Funny / Atop the Fourth Wall 2023 Episodes 713 - 732

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713: Star Wars #1-6

• Linkara starts the review by looking at the first issue's cover; he points out that the scans he's looking at are coming from a re-released version that restored the original coloring, marked by the Legends logo at the bottom deeming it non-canon:
  Linkara: Although, that's hilarious that it's being applied to the adaptation of the first movie; to me, that means the "Macklunkey!" cut is the official canon version, and everything without it apocryphal.
  • Linkara can't help but notice Darth Vader in the background looking a little... off-color:
    Linkara: A prank that the stormtroopers like to pull sometimes whenever Vader's in his healing tank is to paint his helmet green; he's actually a pretty good sport about it and says it's his way of supporting eco-friendly superweapons.
    • Finally, the captions:
      Captions: Enter: Luke Skywalker! Will he save the galaxy — or destroy it?
      Linkara: Eh, could be either, depending on who you ask about The Last Jedi.
• The first issue opens in the same spot as the movie, with the Star Destroyer Devastator chasing down the CR90 corvette the Tantive IV before immobilizing it:
  Captions: It is a period of CIVIL WAR in the galaxy. A brave alliance of UNDERGROUND FREEDOM FIGHTERS has challenged the tyranny and oppression of the awesome GALACTIC EMPIRE.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Since they're operating underground, though, they're finding it really hard to fight spaceships.
  Captions: To CRUSH the rebellion once and for all, the EMPIRE is constructing a sinister new BATTLE STATION. Powerful enough to destroy an entire planet, its COMPLETION will spell CERTAIN DOOM for the champions of freedom.
  Linkara: [as the captions] But also spells a lot of tax benefits for the contractors.
  Captions: Striking from a fortress hidden among the billion stars of the galaxy, REBEL SPACESHIPS have won their first victory in a battle with the powerful IMPERAL STARFLEET.
  Linkara: Eh, don't be too impressed; it was just them deciding where to go to lunch afterwards.
  Captions: The Empire fears that ANOTHER defeat could bring a THOUSAND MORE solar systems into the rebellion, and IMPERIAL CONTROL over the galaxy would be LOST FOREVER.
  Linkara: [as an Imperial official] Okay, so here's the plan: all the main systems defect to the Rebels, too, and since we're all there anyway, we just become the new Empire!
• As stormtroopers board the corvette and have a shootout with the Rebels, two droids named See-Threepio and Artoo-Detoo try to sneak their way past them:
  Threepio: [to Artoo] This is all your fault! I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized thermo-capsulary dehousing assister...!
  Linkara: "Dehousing assister"? Artoo-Detoo helped take away people's homes?!
• We next cut to a deleted scene from the film, serving as an early introduction to the protagonist, Luke Skywalker, as he observes the space battle above his home planet of Tatooine:
  Captions: Luke Skywalker lowers his macrobinoculars, standing transfixed for a moment.
  Linkara: [as Luke] Whoa, man... Think the blue milk's starting to kick in!
• Back aboard the ship, a very blue Darth Vader makes his first appearance as he lifts a red and green Rebel by his neck:
  Linkara: The Rebellion is very festive; around this time, they say "May the Claus be with you."
  Vader: Where is the data you intercepted?
  Rebel: W-We're on a diplomatic mission—!
  Vader: Liar!
  Linkara: [as Vader] I was freaking there when I killed half you guys in a hallway as you passed it off. Hell, I don't even have to be holding you up by my arm if I wanted to; I have got space magic that would let me do it!
  Captions: Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, tightens his fingers on the Rebel officer's throat. But, he still receives no answer...
  Linkara: Huh, I wonder why he'd be receiving no answer while choking the dude.
  • After failing to glean any information from the Rebel, Vader kills him by snapping his neck:
    Vader: The fool is dead! Start tearing this ship apart, piece by piece, until you have those tapes!
    Linkara: Vader will go to extreme lengths to recover his Duran Duran tapes.
• Threepio catches up with Artoo as he has the Death Star plans uploaded to him by Princess Leia Organa:
  Captions: The unknown girl who kneels by the smaller robot is probably beautiful by human standards...
  Fourth Doctor: You're a beautiful woman, probably...
  Captions: But, Threepio, being a robot himself, takes scant notice of her...
  Linkara: Even if Threepio did give a crap about beautiful women, why would he care about that when they just got boarded by the space Nazis?
  • As Artoo and Threepio board and launch an escape pod, a group of stormtroopers manage to find Leia:
    Stormtrooper: There's one of them! Set weapons for stun!
    Leia: I've set mine to kill!
    Linkara: [as Leia] Man, screw the Senate; killing things is much cooler!
• Back on Tatooine, Luke arrives in Anchorhead to talk with his friends Camie and Fixer about the space battle above, but is surprised by the unexpected return of his other friend, Biggs Darklighter:
  Luke: Hey, what happened? Didn't you get your commission?
  Biggs: Why, uh — of course I got it! Signed aboard the Rand Ecliptic last week. First mate Biggs Darklighter at your service!
  Linkara: Okay, what actually tells me that you're lying is that you said your name was "Biggs Darklighter".
  • Luke tries to show his friends the space battle above, but by this point, the battle is over and they can't spot anything, leading them to the conclusion that Luke is exaggerating:
    Fixer: I keep telling you, Wormie — the Rebellion's a long way from here; I doubt if the Empire would even fight to keep this system.
    Linkara: Yeah, I don't see this franchise ever coming back to this dump of a planet.
• Back aboard the corvette, Leia is taken to Vader:
  Leia: Lord Vader! I should have known — only you could be so bold! Well, the Imperial Senate will not sit still for this! When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic—
  Vader: Don't play games with me, Your Highness!
  Linkara: [as Vader] I literally saw this ship ten minutes ago over Scarif! Geez, you think I'd forget that?!
  • Actually, Vader states that the ship passed through a restricted system:
    Vader: Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by spies, who are now unfortunately dead.
    Linkara: [as Vader] But we'll still milk a Disney+ series or two out of them.
• Vader orders Leia to be taken away; an Imperial officer says she should be killed instead, but Vader refuses, saying she is their only link to the location of the Rebels' hidden base. Sensing the political fallout from the battle, Vader orders a fake distress signal to be sent talking about a sudden meteorite storm, and for the corvette to be vaporized:
  Vader: I've been informed that a repair pod was somehow jettisoned during the fighting.
  Linkara: [as Vader] I think the officers need to get their eyes checked, because there's a difference between an escape pod and a repair pod.
  • Vader surmises that the data is on that pod, and they need to head to the surface to retrieve the tapes:
    Vader: So send a detachment down to retrieve them, without attracting attention.
    Linkara: [as Vader] I'd go down myself, but, you know... sand. Plus, I don't want to run into my relatives; they get on my back for not calling them enough.
• We once again return to Tatooine:
  Captions: Below: in the place called Jundland, or No Man's Land—
  Linkara: We could just call it that, but some cartographers were feeling extra that day...
  • Artoo and Threepio emerge from the pod and make their way towards some kind of civilization, with Threepio complaining every step of the way:
    Threepio: What a forsaken place this is! We seem to be made to suffer.
    Linkara: Man, how bad have the last 20 years been for him, considering he doesn't even remember all the crap he went through in the prequels?
• Back in Anchorhead, Biggs tells Luke that he plans to defect to the Rebels once the frigate he's on goes to one of the central systems; Luke bemoans how he wants to join, but he's stuck on Tatooine for another season:
  Biggs: What good is all your uncle's work, if he ends up merely a tenant soon — slaving away for the greater glory of the Empire?
  Linkara: Yeah, I mean, the Empire is really taking advantage of all that... moisture he farms. [shrugs]
• Having had our fill of the good guys, we next check in on the Imperial side:
  Captions: While, in a soulless Imperial conference room, somewhere in the galaxy...
  Linkara: Well, if they'd just put in the decorative fern like I recommended, it wouldn't be quite as soulless, now would it?
  • While Admiral Motti argues with General Tagge about how their raid on Leia's corvette will foster support for the Rebellion in the Senate, Grand Moff Tarkin and Vader enter with news:
    Tarkin: The Imperial Senate is no longer of any concern to us, gentlemen.
    Linkara: [as Tarkin] The filibuster rules are intact.
    Tarkin: I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council — permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away. The regional governors now have direct control over their territories.
    Tagge: Impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?
    Linkara: [as Tagge] And what are we going to do with the big room with all the floating, spinning disc platforms?!
    Tarkin: Fear will keep the local systems in line — fear of this battle-station which nears completion.
    Linkara: [as Tarkin] We're going to make a big TV special touring it with celebrity guest stars and encouraging tourism via the recreation deck. How does everyone feel about little Death Star-shaped malted milk balls as a signature snack?
    Tagge: If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical read-out of this battle-station, it is possible — however, unlikely — that they might find a weakness and exploit it.
    Linkara: [as Tagge] Or worse, they'll start selling bootleg versions of it for suckers to buy, thinking they're the real thing!
    • Motti, however, confidently states that the Rebels are doomed to fail regardless of the plans they found:
      Motti: This battle station is now the ultimate power in the universe!
      Vader: Don't become too proud of this technological terror you've created, Admiral Motti. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the cosmic Force!
      Linkara: Ehh... Is it, though? Just saying; I'm not seeing you guys building any planet-destroying superweapons by plugging a Jedi in as its battery.
      Motti: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader! Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't helped you conjure up those stolen data tapes—
      Linkara: [as Vader] "Ancient"? It was, like, 20 years ago; hell, we were still hunting rogue Jedi, like, 10 years ago!
      Linkara: [as Motti] The nostalgia cycle has left you behind, Lord Vader; just accept that you're not cool anymore!
      Linkara: Vader does the Force Choke on him.
      Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
      Linkara: I find it more disturbing that, in these panels, we see him levitate a coffee cup over to himself and still be holding it. Can he seriously drink through that thing? I'm just saying, that was a parody thing done in Spaceballs.
• Back on Tatooine, Artoo and Threepio are reunited inside the Jawas' sandcrawler, later being led out to the Skywalker homestead alongside other droids:
  Aunt Beru: Luke— Tell your Uncle Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks "Bocce"!
  Linkara: Luke screws up and gets a droid that speaks Lacrosse instead.
  • Owen skips over Artoo, but picks up Threepio due to his ability to speak Bocce and another astromech droid, R5-D4:
    Uncle Owen: Luke, take them to the garage and clean them up.
    Luke: But I was going into Toshi Station to—
    Uncle Owen: After you've finished your chores!
    Linkara: Aw, he didn't let him finish the sentence about picking up power converters! [beat] Which was code for "buy space drugs"!
• As the droids are being led to the garage, though, R5-D4 suddenly blows its top and shuts down:
  Luke: Uncle Owen — This R2 unit has a bad motivator.
  Linkara: Well, when the director's instructions are just "walk five feet and explode", would you have good motivation for the scene?
  • Threepio takes the opportunity to recommend Artoo as a replacement, which Owen begrudgingly accepts:
    Threepio: Don't you forget this, Artoo! Why I stick my neck out for you is beyond my capacity to—
    Linkara: [as Artwo] Asshole! I got rocket jets in my legs! I was planning on leaving your golden ass behind regardless of where we ended up!
• As Luke grumbles on how he'll never get away from Tatooine while repairing Artoo, he notices something jammed into the droid and accidentally activates it, revealing a hologram of Leia:
  Luke: What's this?? A three-dimensional hologram — and she's beautiful!
  Linkara: [as Luke] Wow, I sure hope I don't regret this boner later!
  • The message repeats "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi", and Artoo claims that he is the property of Obi-Wan; Threepio has no idea what Artoo is talking about (because of the memory wipe he received at the end of Episode III):
    Luke: I don't know any Obi-Wan, but there's an Old Ben Kenobi who lives out beyond the Dune Sea... sort of a hermit.
    Linkara: [as Luke] And his last name isn't something ridiculous like "Sunshaker" or whatever, so it must be him!
• During a family dinner, Luke brings up the hologram and Obi-Wan, which leaves Owen particularly incensed:
  Uncle Owen: It's a name from another time, that can only mean trouble!
  Linkara: [as Uncle Owen] Things from the past are evil and troublesome! Strike them down, Luke!
  Uncle Owen: You stay away from that old wizard, do you hear me? He's dangerous!
  Linkara: Geez, what the hell happened in Obi-Wan Season 2 that got this reaction?
  • Owen orders Luke to wipe the droids' memories and says that Luke can't join the Imperial Academy before the harvest, but he can do so next year; Luke grumbles that he's made that promise before and sullenly walks off to the garage:
    Aunt Beru: Owen, we can't keep him here forever! Most of his friends are gone...
    Uncle Owen: I'll make it up to him next year ...I promise.
    Linkara: [as Uncle Owen] May I become a charred skeleton if I don't.
• Luke returns to the garage and discovers that Artoo has gone off on his own to find Obi-Wan since his restraining bolt was removed; Luke and Threepio try to look for Artoo outside, but to no avail:
  Luke: No sign of him, even with these electrobinoculars!
  Linkara: Because... you know... we're in space. Man, Luke, you really should trade in those electrobinoculars for a bus ticket on Coruscant.
  • Threepio asks Luke why that can't go after him now:
    Luke: Not at night! It's too dangerous with all the Sandpeople around.
    Linkara: [as Luke] Damn Fremen!
• The next morning, Luke and Threepio hop into a landspeeder to search for Artoo while a squad of stormtroopers come upon the crashed escape pod:
  Stormtrooper: This small piece of metal I found in the sand—! Droids!
  Linkara: Little-known fact: droids poop metal.
  • Luke and Threepio manage to find Artoo, but begin to worry when he says several creatures are approaching:
    Luke: Sandpeople! —Or worse!
    Linkara: [as Luke] Insurance salesmen!
• The second issue begins with Luke being rescued by Obi-Wan, who chases off the Tusken Raiders attacking Luke by making an echoing, moaning noise; after regaining his senses, Luke brings "Old Ben" up to speed:
  Luke: He claims to be the property of someone called Obi-Wan Kenobi.
  Obi-Wan: Obi-Wan...?! Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long while!
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] And that asshole owes me money.
  Linkara: Much as I liked the Obi-Wan series, it is kind of weird that he says he hasn't heard the name in a while when it really wasn't that long ago.
  Luke: I think my uncle knew him; he says he's dead.
  Obi-Wan: Oh, he's not dead, not yet... not yet. He's me! But I haven't gone by the name Obi-Wan since before you were born.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Insurance fraud's a hell of a thing, Luke.
  • Luke and Obi-Wan find Threepio, having lost an arm after falling over a cliff during the scuffle with the Raiders:
    Threepio: Where am I? Oh, I'm sorry, sir... I must have taken a bad step.
    Linkara: [as Threepio] Quickly, replace my arm with a red one!
• Inside Obi-Wan's hut, Artoo is repaired enough that he can play Leia's message in its entirety:
  Leia's Message: General Obi-Wan Kenobi — I present myself in the name of my father Bail Antillies, Viceroy of Alderaan. Years ago, Commander, you served the Old Republic in the Clone Wars...
  Linkara: [as Leia's Message] And since everyone seems to like that show, we need you to come back and save us all again.
  Leia's Message: Information vital to the survival of the Rebel Alliance has been placed in this droid. Please see this R2 unit delivered safely to Alderaan! You are our last hope...
  Linkara: When you get right down to it, Obi-Wan basically retired to become a delivery boy.
  Luke: Whoever she is — she's terrific!
  Linkara: [as Luke] She did a phenomenal job of standing there, begging for help!
  Luke: You fought in the Clone Wars?
  Obi-Wan: Oh yes. I was once a Jedi Knight — just like your father!
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] But way cooler; for instance, I actually could grow a beard.
  • Obi-Wan elaborates on Owen's relationship with Luke's father:
    Obi-Wan: Your uncle Owen didn't agree with your father's ideals—
    Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Was really against child murder, for some reason. [shrugs]
    Obi-Wan: —thought he should have stayed here on Tatooine, and not gotten involved.
    Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] In the ten minutes that he met him, he really sussed out your father.
• Obi-Wan gives something important to Luke, which turns out to be his father's lightsaber; when Luke activates it for the first time, Linkara remarks how the blade is not blue, put rather pink, in keeping with the comic's off-kilter color scheme:
  Zordon: Too much pink energy is dangerous!
  Obi-Wan: Your father's lightsabre — the formal weapon of a Jedi Knight! The Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic, and—
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Just don't ask us to free any slaves.
  Luke: How did my father die, Ben?
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Uhh...
  Anakin: You turned her against me! / I HATE YOU!! / [screams in pain while being burned by lava]
  Vader: I am... what you made me.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] ...He tripped and fell on his lightsaber. Important safety tip, Luke; they should put a warning label on these things.
  Obi-Wan: He was betrayed and murdered by a young Jedi named Darth Vader— —a boy I was training — one of my brightest disciples, my greatest failure!
  Linkara: Somewhere, Vader is looking up and grumbling, "I am not your failure, Obi-Wan..."
  Obi-Wan: Darth Vader used the power of "the Force" for evil — to help the Empire hunt down and destroy the last of the Jedi Knights. Vader was seduced by the dark side of "the Force" — and it consumed him.
  Luke: "The Force"?
  Linkara: [as Luke] Why do you keep saying it with quotation marks, Ben? It makes it sound like you're being sarcastic.
  Obi-Wan: "The Force" is an energy field created by all living things; it surrounds, binds the galaxy together. Knowledge of "the Force" is what gave a Jedi Knight his power.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] There's also the midi-chlorians and the Whills, but we'll get into all that when you're ready for the advanced Jedi classes.
• Later, Luke, Obi-Wan, and the droids spot a Jawa sandcrawler that has been destroyed and left to rot; based on the evidence at the scene, Luke surmises the Jawas were attacked by Tusken Raiders:
  Luke: But, we never heard of them hitting something this big!
  Obi-Wan: They didn't, Luke... but we were meant to think so.
  Linkara: Yeah, I mean, imagine someone thinking that the Empire was doing something evil otherwise!
  Obi-Wan: Look at these blast points! Only Imperial stormtroopers are this precise.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Oh man, I can't believe I actually said that with a straight face.
  • Luke then realizes that these Jawas were the same ones who sold him Artoo and Threepio, which means that if the stormtroopers were able to track the droids to this sandcrawler, then they would be able to track them to the homestead as their next target; against Obi-Wan's objections, Luke speeds off to the homestead, only to find it engulfed in flames:
    Captions: Then, he suddenly sees two smoldering piles which had once been human beings...
    Linkara: Oh, good! Owen and Beru were able to kill two stormtroopers!
    • Luke reunites with the others, and resolves to help Obi-Wan accomplish his mission:
      Luke: Ben — I want to go with you to Alderaan! There's nothing here for me now.
      Linkara: That's not true! You still got Tosche Station and power converters!
• Our heroes decide to find a ship willing to take them to Alderaan at Mos Eisley Spaceport:
  Obi-Wan: You won't find a more wretched hive of villainy!
  Linkara: I can name, like, five places in Star Wars off the top of my head filled with worse people than Mos Eisley; get out of the house sometimes, old man!
  • Obi-Wan uses a mind trick to get the group past a checkpoint of stormtroopers who want to see some identification, where he explains to Luke how the Force can be used to influence the mind:
    Obi-Wan: A powerful ally... ...though you will discover it can also be a danger.
    Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] The Force hits you with microtransactions faster than you would expect.
• Luke and Obi-Wan enter a nearby cantina, where Luke gets hassled by two wanted criminals; when the interaction turns violent, Obi-Wan pulls out his own lightsaber to quickly end the fight:
  Captions: —Ben's own lightsabre comes suddenly to life— —and a wide-eyed Luke Skywalker is abruptly reminded that Old Ben Kenobi was once Obi-Wan Kenobi— —a Jedi Knight!
  Linkara: [as the captions] He's been killing people in bars long before Luke was born!
  Captions: Only when the two aggressors lie in sections on the floor does the old man's body appear to relax... or the suggestion of a sigh escape him.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Ugh, God, I need a death stick and to rethink my life...
  • Obi-Wan then introduces Luke to a Wookiee named Chewbacca, who leads them to his partner, a smuggler named Han Solo:
    Han: I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon; Chewie tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system.
    Obi-Wan: If it's a fast ship.
    Han: Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
    Palpatine: What the hell is an "aluminum falcon"?!
    • When Obi-Wan brings up the need to avoid the Empire, Han asks for an upfront fee of 10,000 credits; Obi-Wan says they don't have that much money with them, but he'll be happy to pay 2,000 credits now, with an additional 15,000 once they reach Alderaan, totaling 17,000 credits:
      Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Let's just say their leader owes me a big one for rescuing their daughter, who is also currently captured. [beat] Come to think of it, bet I can get another 20,000 if I rescue her again...
• With transport to Alderaan secured, Luke and Obi-Wan rush to cover their tracks:
  Obi-Wan: I'm afraid you'll have to sell your speeder, Luke.
  Luke: It's all right. I don't think I'll ever come back to this planet, anyway!
  Linkara: Yeah, just imagine if somebody symbolically buried you here on this dung heap of a planet that you hated and never wanted to come back to; would be pretty disrespectful and missing the point entirely, wouldn't it?
• In a deleted scene that would be restored in the Special Edition, Han and Chewie meet with Jabba the Hutt at the docking bay before prepping the Falcon for launch; among the myriad of differences in the comic compared to the movie, including Jabba's appearance as a yellow-skinned, walrus-looking bipedal creature, are Han's final words to Jabba:
  Han: I'll pay you, Jabba, but not because you threaten me. I'll pay you because... it's my pleasure.
  Linkara: Ugh, does Han want to get into the gold bikini in this version?
• Unfortunately for the heroes, they get ratted out by a spy, causing them to get into a shootout with some stormtroopers before launching the Falcon; when they escape into Tatooine's orbit, they're suddenly attacked by three Star Destroyers:
  Luke: Can't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast!
  Linkara: Luke Sky-Whiner.
  Captions: Just then, the entire spacecraft shudders — as a blinding explosion flashes just outside the viewports— —and even a near miss almost overcomes the phototrophic shielding!
  Linkara: And if this ship was a plant, those words would mean something.
  • Han prepares to make the jump to light-speed, but warns that it will take a few minutes to calculate the coordinates:
    Han: Without the proper calculations, we could pass right through a star, or bounce too near a supernova...
    Linkara: [as Han] Or slam right into one of the Star Destroyers, which would be cool and all, but probably an impractical strategy given the cost of a ship, the size of a projectile necessary to actually do damage to it, the risk of being blown out of the sky before you can do it, and also because, apparently, we haven't invented autopilot in this universe.
• In the third issue, Obi-Wan lets out a groan of pain as he feels the effects of Alderaan's destruction through the Force:
  Obi-Wan: I felt — a sudden great ebbing in "the Force," Luke.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Wait, no, it's just that salad I got at the cantina; what was in that dressing?
  Luke: "The Force"? You mean, that thing you talked about — the energy that's given out by all living things?
  Linkara: No, the T-Force, Luke. What do you think?!
  Obi-Wan: Yes. It was like the cry of a billion beings — stopping all at once!
  Linkara: Well, hey, a billion people stopped crying! That's good, right?
• Nearby, Artoo and Chewie play a round of holochess; Artoo wins, causing Chewie to fly into a rage. Han says it's not wise to upset a Wookiee, since that could lead to someone's arms being ripped out of their sockets, so Threepio offers some sage advice:
  Threepio: I suggest a new strategy, Artoo. Let... the Wookiee... win!
  Linkara: Maybe his nickname should be "Cheater", then.
• Obi-Wan trains Luke how to wield a lightsaber with a remote, but Luke struggles with evading its shots; Obi-Wan then puts a thick helmet on Luke so he can't see:
  Obi-Wan: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them! Remember, a true Jedi Knight such as your father and I were can feel "the Force" flowing from him.
  Luke: You mean that it controls your actions?
  Obi-Wan: Yes — but it also obeys your commands.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] The Force is a Switch.
  • Thanks to Obi-Wan's advice, Luke is able to deflect the remote's lasers, with Luke even remarking that he could feel something while he did it:
    Han: Hocus-pocus religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side, kid.
    Obi-Wan: Ignore him, Luke. He doesn't believe in "the Force."
    Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Blasters will do you no good against the powers of darkness. Here, let me tell you about the time I defeated General Grievous; I-- Wait...
• The Falcon arrives at where Alderaan should be, but the ship is caught in the planet's debris field upon exiting lightspeed; Han scans the area and realizes the planet has been destroyed. Han and Luke then spot a TIE fighter and try to destroy it, but see that it's heading for what appears to be a small moon:
  Obi-Wan: That's no moon, Mr. Solo. It's a space station.
  Gawain: It's only a model.
  • The Falcon is caught in the Death Star's tractor beam and is brought to a hangar; the heroes hide from the search party in the ship's smuggling compartments and decide to shut down the tractor beam and make their escape, with Obi-Wan volunteering for the task. First, though, Han and Luke knock out some stormtroopers to steal their armor and blend in:
    Linkara: So I decided to see if there was an Expanded Universe story about what happened to the stormtroopers' bodies, or if they, you know, woke up and wandered out later or something... and instead, I discovered that one of said stormtroopers was having a secret love affair with Tarkin. [beat] The Expanded Universe is wild, people!
    • In a security office, Artoo hacks into the computers and locates the tractor beam's power reactor for Obi-Wan; after Obi-Wan heads out, Artoo finds Leia in a cell, and Luke and Han argue about whether to rescue her or not:
      Luke: But, I've seen her, Solo! She's beautiful!
      Han: So's life.
      Luke: She's rich!
      Han: So's — huh? Rich?
      Luke: Yes — and if we rescue her, the reward'll be more wealth than you can imagine!
      Han: I don't know! I can imagine quite a bit.
      Linkara: [as Han] Even out here, I know about swimming in money Scrooge McDuck-style.
• Han and Luke sneak into the detention center under the guise of bringing in Chewie as a prisoner; they set him loose and take care of the security stationed there. While Luke rushes to get Leia out, Han has to deal with an incoming transmission:
  Stormtrooper: [through the intercom] Come in, security center!
  Han: Uh... Everything under control. Slight weapon malfunction.
  Stormtrooper: [through the intercom] What happened?
  Han: We're all fine, thank you. How about you?
  Stormtrooper: [through the intercom] We're sending a squad up!
  Han: Uh... Negative! Reactor leak — give us a few minutes to—
  Stormtrooper: [through the intercom] Who is this? What's your operating—
  Linkara: ...And he shoots the console.
  Han: It was a boring conversation, anyway.
  Linkara: For you, maybe, but for the guy on the other side of the line, this was the most action he's had in months!
  • Luke opens up Leia's cell and gets his first proper look at her:
    Luke: Y-You're — even more beautiful — than I—
    Linkara: OH, MY GOD, COMIC, I GET IT!! YOU WERE WRITTEN BEFORE LUCAS DECIDED THE TWO WERE SIBLINGS! PLEASE STOP!!
    Leia: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
    Linkara: Aren't you a little judgmental on people's physical appearances for a member of a resistance movement fighting fascism?
• The cover of the fourth issue is the most striking Linkara's looked at so far, with a giant Vader looming in the background as he prepares to play with our heroes...
  Colonel Sandurz: I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
  Dark Helmet: GOOD!
  • ...as well as Leia wearing ruby slippers and Obi-Wan in a lime green cloak:
    Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] I am in exile from the Empire; I'd better wear something inconspicuous...
• Luke desperately tries to contact Artoo and Threepio about an escape route while he, Han, and Leia are pinned down by blaster fire:
  Leia: This is some rescue! When you came in, didn't you have a plan for getting back out?
  Linkara: Well, you know, what's really helping is whining about it! Is this just a Skywalker thing?
• While Luke, Han, and Leia go through their ordeal in the trash compactor, Obi-Wan begins shutting down the tractor beam:
  Captions: Now he, like the others, is a fugitive on board this sprawling battle-station... And, even as he makes certain adjustments in a computer terminal, and several lights change from red to blue...
  Linkara: Obi-Wan's brilliant plan? Mess with colorblind people.
• After escaping the trash compactor, Leia fights with Han over who should lead the group; our heroes soon reach an observation deck over the Falcon and try to figure out a way to safely return to the ship:
  Han: Y'know, kid — getting back to the Falcon's going to be like flying thru the Five Fire Rings of Fornax!
  Linkara: Huh. Guess they were saving the explanation for that one for Solo 2.
• Obi-Wan makes his way back to the Falcon, only to run into the last person he wanted to see just outside the hangar — Darth Vader:
  Vader: I have been waiting for you, Obi-Wan Kenobi; the circle is now completed. When I left you, I was but a learner; now, I am the master.
  Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] Are you seriously still angry about not getting that promotion to Master? That job doesn't even exist anymore, man!
  Obi-Wan: You still have much to learn.
  Linkara: [as Vader] Oh, I don't know; I mean, you don't have the high ground now, do you?
  • The two activate their lightsabers and begin what would become their final duel:
    Vader: Your powers are weak, old man! You should never have come back!
    Linkara: [as Vader] No cheating with a bunch of rocks this time, asshole!
    Obi-Wan: You... only know... half "the Force"... Vader...! You perceive its full power... as little as a spoon... perceives the taste of food!
    Linkara: [as Vader] Well, thanks to you, I can't use spoons or food, so go to Hell, Obi-Wan.
    • As the rest of our heroes reach the Falcon, the duel between Obi-Wan and Vader moves towards the hangar, catching the attention of both the good and bad guys:
      Obi-Wan: This is a fight you cannot win, Darth — for, I have grown much since our parting...
      Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] For instance, I've come to realize how stupid a statement "Only a Sith deals in absolutes." really is.
      Obi-Wan: If my blade finds its mark, you will cease to exist. But, if you cut me down — I will only become more powerful...!
      Linkara: [as Obi-Wan] I'll grow back like a worm, and then there'll two of me! It's an old Jedi technique.
      Obi-Wan: Heed my words!
      Vader: Not this time! I am the master now! I— —DARTH VADER!
      Linkara: And yeah, unlike the movie, Vader actually does properly hit him, and he, like... zaps! Uh... yeah, check out that expression; I think there might be a bit of pain before the whole "more powerful than you can imagine" bit. "There is no death; there is only the Force"? No, this—this looks like death.
• In the fifth issue, after Luke and Han celebrate shooting down a group of pursuing TIE fighters, Leia speculates that the Empire let them escape; this is confirmed when Tarkin and Vader talk aboard a homing beacon placed on the Falcon to track them to the Rebel base:
  Vader: This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of the last of the Jedi Knights— And soon, very soon, it will see the end of the Rebellion itself!
  Linkara: [as Vader] I've got a good feeling about today, Tarkin; drinks on me when this is all over.
  • Han argues this with Leia back on the Falcon, him saying he doesn't care about the Rebellion and just wants the reward for her safety; Leia begrudgingly accepts the terms of the deal as Luke goes to talk with Han:
    Han: I don't know, Luke... Do you think it's possible for a princess and a guy like me—?
    Luke: No.
    Linkara: And geez, just look at how pissed Luke is in this version.
    Linkara: [as Luke] It's Leia and I that are clearly getting together, Han; there is nothing that could possibly prevent that from happening!
• Our heroes finally make it to the Rebel base on Yavin IV, and quickly hand over the Death Star plans for analysis; in a briefing, General Jan Dodonna explains that the Death Star is designed to fight off large-scale assaults, but smaller craft can breach its defenses easily, even if they can't do much damage:
  Dodonna: An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia [pronounced "Lee-a"]...
  Linkara: [as Luke] Uh, wait, do you mean "Leia" [pronounced "Lay-a"]? She's, like, a bigwig in the Rebellion and was a senator; how could you get her name wrong, dude?
  Dodonna: There is a small, unshielded thermal exhaust port that runs directly into the reactor system. A direct hit on it should set up a chain reaction that will destroy the station.
  Linkara: [as Dodonna] Let us bow our heads in remembrance of Galen Erso and the Rogue One team for making all this possible.
  Linkara: [as an offscreen listener] What about Kyle Katarn?
  Linkara: [as Dodonna] Who?
  • Making this attack difficult is that the aforementioned port is only two meters wide and they're approaching it from a weird angle, not to mention how they have to hit it precisely using proton torpedoes:
    Dodonna: And remember — only a direct hit has a hope of destroying the Death Star— —before it destroys this moon — and the hope of the Rebellion!
    Linkara: [as Dodonna] Now, you all go on the dangerous mission while the rest of us all sit around not evacuating everything in case things go wrong.
    Dodonna: Now, man your ships— —and may the Force be with you!
    Linkara: [as Luke] Um, excuse me! It's "the Force", in quotation marks!
• After Luke tries and fails to make Han stay, he runs into his old friend Biggs, who introduces him to Blue Leader while vouching for his skills as a pilot despite never having flown an X-wing before:
  Blue Leader: Outer Rim? Skywalker— Of course! I met your father once, when I was just a boy!
  Youngling: Master Skywalker! There are too many of them! What are we going to do?
  • Luke and Artoo get settled into the X-wing and launch with the other fighters to end the fifth issue:
    Blue Leader: Blue boys, this is Blue Leader!
    Linkara: [as Blue Leader] I'm blue, da ba dee da ba di, over!
• The final issue begins with the Rebel fighters closing in on the Death Star:
  Captions: Thirty minutes! That's how long the main Rebel base has before the Death Star, gigantic battle-station of the Galactic Empire, will be in a position to destroy it.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Or their pizza's free. [beat] But the base will be gone, so they can't do delivery.
  • Eventually, Vader orders all pilots aboard the station to man their fighters, with him deciding to enter the fight as well; eventually, the TIEs begin picking the Rebels off one by one, including one Jek Tono Porkins:
    Biggs: Porkins! Do you read? Eject! Eject!
    Porkins: I-I'm okay! I can hold her! Just—
    Captions: Those are the last words ever uttered by the man Luke Skywalker knows only as Blue Six.
    Linkara: Where is my Disney+ Porkins series, dammit?!
    Captions: But Biggs has fought beside Lt. Tono Porkins for long weeks and months, and he knows suddenly what it means to lose... a friend.
    Biggs: [thinking] So long, Piggy. You will be avenged!
    Linkara: Damn right! I'm sure Biggs has a long future ahead of him, where he gets vengeance for Porkins!
    • Blue Leader attempts to shoot his torpedoes down the exhaust port, but fails, leading to him getting shot down in return by Vader in his TIE Advanced x1 fighter:
      Linkara: Ah, the tragic irony that he was blown away by that pilot he met as a boy...
• Eventually, it comes down to Luke, Biggs, and another pilot named Wedge Antilles to make their run down the trench and destroy the exhaust port; as they descend, Luke hears Obi-Wan's voice ever so briefly:
  Captions: It is a young-old voice which sounds in his ears...
  Linkara: The hell does "young-old" mean?
  Luke: [thinking] Ben! Ben Kenobi! Then — maybe he wasn't killed by Darth Vader's lightsabre, after all! Maybe he merged, somehow, with "the Force" — and he's here with me in spirit — right now!
  Linkara: [as Luke] ...Or, looking at my screen, it seems I am leaking oxygen right now; Artoo, can you fix that before I start hearing Uncle Owen's voice, too?
• As the three pilots make their way down the trench, Vader catches up to Biggs and opens fire, killing him:
  Linkara: [as Vader] Now, this is podracing.
  • Wedge's ship gets damaged, forcing him to pull out and leaving Luke all alone; Vader begins locking onto him, but suddenly, a shot from above destroys one of his wingmates:
    Vader: By the immortal gods of the Sith!
    Linkara: Ah yes, Vader's classic catchphrase.
    • Of course, the Millennium Falcon comes in out of nowhere to save the day:
      Captions: The Falcon's intervention causes Vader's wing-man to veer off suddenly, striking his lord's ship as he goes!
      Linkara: [as Vader] Dammit! We need to exchange insurance information!
• As Vader finds himself careening out into deep space, Han calls out to Luke:
  Han: You're all clear, kid! Now blow this thing, so we can all go home!
  Linkara: [as Han] This review is, like, an hour and a half long, and we need to wrap it up already!
  • Seeing his chance, Luke turns off his targeting computer and uses the Force to guide his proton torpedoes down the Death Star's thermal exhaust port, creating a massive explosion as he flies away:
    Captions: The collapsed residue of the Death Star will continue to consume itself for several days— —forming, for that brief span of time, the most impressive tombstone in this corner of the cosmos.
    Linkara: [as the captions] And, of course, engraved on it: "This one's for Porkins."
• The story ends with a ceremony honoring Luke, Han, and Chewie for their part in destroying the Death Star, with narration promising plenty more to come:
  Captions: Next issue: A NEW ADVENTURE of the STAR WARRIORS!
  Linkara: Wait, "Star Warriors"? Weren't those the guys who made Superman fight Muhammad Ali?
• The first post-credits stinger:
  Luke: No sign of him, even with these electrobinoculars!
  Linkara: That's funny; "Electrobinoculars" was also the last name of one of Luke's friends.

714: PATREON: Marvelman Family's Finest #1

• The cover of the issue is rather simple, featuring Marvelman, a swirl of particles behind him, and the Moon:
  Linkara: [holding his hands up to the sky] HIS THRONE.
• The first story is titled "Marvelman and the Acid Vapour!":
  Linkara: Well, they appear to be in space, so... that takes care of that, I guess!
  • A crack in the universe reveals the villain of this story, a mad scientist named Gargunza:
    Gargunza: Huk-huk! I'm here again, folks. A big headache for that blue baboon, that big blue goon - Marvelman!
    Linkara: Given the color emphasis, Marvelman is either the Blue Meanie or a member of Blue Man Group. [beat] Or he's Blue Leader from the Star Wars comic last time.
    • Also in the preview, Marvelman stares in horror at the hole punched through the center of the Moon:
      Linkara: Okay, Chairface, I think things might have gotten a little out of hand.
      Marvelman: Holy Mac! Holey Moon!
      Linkara: [as Marvelman] My God! What did they do to Mac Tonight?!
      Captions: Once more Marvelman finds himself at grips with that evil genius Gargunza......
      Linkara: I don't know; he can't be that smart if he decided to keep the name "Gargunza".
• We see that Gargunza is reading a book discussing the effects of acids on rocks:
  Gargunza: Huk-huk! This time I'm going to do great things. I'll be paid millions for my invention. All I have to do is invent it.
  Linkara: Gargunza has a bright future as a Silicon Valley tech bro.
  • In a monologue, Gargunza states his goal is to remove mountains:
    Gargunza: Mountains are a curse to mankind in most cases.
    Linkara: Eh, not to William Shatner.
    Shatner: He wants to make love to the mountain.
    Gargunza: They get covered in snow, which melts, and the water rushes down, flooding towns and villages... They cause clouds of vapour to rise and pour down rain.
    Twin Clone of Hitler: Of course. Don't you know anything about science?
• Gargunza tests out his acid on a mountain, and within an hour, he is elated to see his experiment work... only to become horrified when the vapors from the acid are still going:
  Gargunza: Yipes! It's reached the molten areas below the surface! Wow! I've ruined the world.....
  Linkara: [as Gargunza] Gonna have to be very careful about how I market this... Ooh! "Exfoliant for the planet!"
  • He soon beats a hasty retreat as molten rock and flames start bursting from the hole he made:
    Gargunza: The world is doomed. But that means I'll perish with it, that's bad!
    Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
• After Gargunza realizes he needs Marvelman's help to save the planet...
  Captions: The telephone rings in the editor's office of the "Daily Bugle".
  Linkara: [as Jameson, on the phone] Marvelman?! Who gives a crap about him?! Now, if you've got pictures of Spider-Man, then we'll talk!
  Editor: What? Some scientist has released a vapour that's eaten into the Earth's surface and released the Earth's molten core?
  Crow T. Robot: "Repeat what you say to provide exposition?"
• Marvelman arrives at the scene:
  Marvelman: Holy macaroni!
  Linkara: Eh, feels like that should be "Holy Marvel-roni".
  Marvelman: If there's some sort of vapour eating into the Earth, the first thing to do is to trace it, and get rid of it!
  Cyber-Leader: Your logic is correct.
  • Thinking quickly, he creates a tornado that funnels the vapor, smoke, dust, and lava into the vacuum of space:
    Marvelman: That's that. But the huge crater is still there.
    Marv: Wow... What a hole.
    • He then decides to plug the hole back up:
      Marvelman: Well, I guess there are enough meteorites out here in space to use to fill up that crater!
      Linkara: [as Marvelman] It's a good thing the meteorite sales truck was early today!
• Later, Marvelman returns to Earth to survey the damage:
  Marvelman: Well, that's that. The landscape doesn't look very pretty now, but at least the danger is over.
  Linkara: [as Marvelman, on the phone] Hello? Bob Ross? I need some happy little trees here, stat!
  • Marvelman quickly deduces that Gargunza was responsible and flies over to apprehend him:
    Gargunza: Always glad to see you, ol' pal. Do come in and sit down..
    Marvelman: Right! And we can chat about your latest evil escapade...
    Linkara: [as Marvelman] You scamp! Put on a pot of coffee, and we'll talk about you almost destroying the Earth.
• That evening, Marvelman notices the hole in the Moon thanks to the vapors, so he plugs the hole and leads the vapors into the Sun:
  Marvelman: That's dumped the vapour in the Sun, where it will be consumed without ill effects.
  Linkara: The next morning, the Earth finds itself in an endless night because the vapor ended up consuming the Sun.
  Marvelman: It shows how careless scientific experiments can endanger the world.
  Linkara: Hear you loud and clear, Marvelman: throw all scientists into the Sun, because they may try to melt mountains, and instead blow up the Earth. [beat] You may not be Captain Marvel, but you truly have the Wisdom of Solomon.
• We move on to the second story:
  Title: "The Young Marvelman Meets Young Nastyman"
  Linkara: [as the title] They formed a band the likes of which had never been seen! And they called themselves "Tenacious D"!
  • The captions provide the setup:
    Captions: On the far distant planet of Victo, a youth named Pontag lounges idly while other youths train for the forthcoming Victon Games.
    Linkara: [as the captions] Soon, all of them would be involved in a steroid abuse scandal.
    Athlete 1: [to Pontag] Like a turn at throwing the discus?
    Athlete 2: He would not! Too energetic for Pontag - and how!
    Linkara: Young Lazyman.
• Angry at the athletes, Pontag draws out a potion:
  Pontag: I'll show them! I'll try this potion the hermit, Nastyman gave me!
  Linkara: I know this should be obvious, but any kids out there watching, do not take potions given to you by people openly named "Nastyman"!
  • Pontag ingests the potion and, after repeating Nastyman's name, emerges transformed:
    Young Nastyman: Aha! I, Pontag, am now Nastyman!
    Linkara: [as Young Nastyman] Hello, Ms. Jackson.
    • Young Nastyman tests out his new powers by beating up the athletes:
      Young Nastyman: You didn't think Pontag could throw the discus - but I'll go one better.... I'll throw the discus - and the discus throwers! Hek-hek!
      Linkara: Yet, he still only gets the bronze; go figure.
• As Young Nastyman destroys the stadium, some athletes get the bright idea to rush him all at once:
  Young Nastyman: Come any near and I'll bounce this column off your heads. Don't you realise I am the Young Nastyman?
  Linkara: Yeah, but you bought your verification mark.
  • He then goes on a rampage until he comes across an old wise man:
    Young Nastyman: They say you're the wisest man on Victo! Guess you aren't wise to this armlock though!
    Jack Burton: Are you crazy? Is that your problem?
    • After the old man tells him about Young Marvelman, Young Nastyman flies off to confront him:
      Young Nastyman: Young Marvelman! Bah! I'll make hamburger of him.
      Linkara: Just add that to our list of things that Victo has on it: human-looking aliens, discus throwers, Speedos... and hamburgers.
• In Balahoo City, U.S.A., the police chief Captain Regan gives Dicky Dauntless (the civilian identity of Young Marvelman) a ride to police headquarters to help answer some phones when they are intercepted by Young Nastyman:
  Captain Regan: Holy dabs! A jaywalker! I can't miss him!
  Linkara: [as Captain Regan] Thirty points, Dicky!
  • Dicky changes into Young Marvelman and arrives just in time to save a woman from becoming target practice for Young Nastyman's knife throws, punching Young Nastyman square in the face:
    Young Marvelman: [to the woman] If you meet a doc on your way, send him along. He'll be needed pretty soon!
    Linkara: [as Young Marvelman] Not for the fight, though; I've just been having this weird rash on my arm lately...
• Later, Doc Malone arrives to examine the unconscious Young Nastyman:
  Doc Malone: This guy is a drug taker - taken an overdose! Look! This phial has fallen from his pocket.
  Linkara: [as Doc Malone] Wait a second; this is garlic powder.
  Doc Malone: Hm! As I thought. Nictobarbonic-phrenoherpescular sodium-sicrate. Fortunately I have the antidote here.
  Linkara: Oh yeah; all you need is some soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide. [grins]
• After a series of misadventures, a now-depowered Pontag is finally apprehended, with the story ending on Captain Regan remarking to Dicky on how Young Marvelman resolved the situation in two hours:
  Linkara: And now, Pontag is stranded on an alien planet where, no doubt, the government will take him and dissect him when they realize he's an alien. Happy ending all around!
• The next story introduces the final member of the Marvelman Family, Kid Marvelman:
  Linkara: What's he supposed to do when he becomes an adult? I'm betting he becomes a normal, well-adjusted person who doesn't go on any murder sprees; wouldn't you agree, Alan Moore?
  Captions: Johnny Bates is a new member of the Marvelman Family. He has been appointed by Marvelman himself, to help in the great fight against evil, injustice, and inhumanity.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Still, he hasn't been put in the company healthcare plan yet.
• Some bullies interrupt Johnny's game of tag with his friends by overturning some food carts:
  Captions: Then Patrolman Kelly arrives...
  Kelly: [thinking] Hello! What is this? Looks like a riot!
  Linkara: Apropos of nothing, you guys ever notice that time is a flat circle?
  Kelly: [thinking] By Hackenslack!
  Linkara: Okay, goofier catchphrase: "By Hackenslack" or "holy macaroni"? You make the call!
  • After Kid Marvelman apprehends the real culprits behind this latest string of crimes, Kelly apologizes to Johnny:
    Kelly: You kids sure turned up trumps. I'll remember that.
    Johnny: Thanks, Officer! Also please remember, boys will be boys.
    Linkara: "Boys will be assholes and morons". Got it.
• The fourth story features the whole cast:
  Title: "Marvelman Family and the Giant Marrow"
  Linkara: [as the title] The Marvel Family learns about bone marrow transplants for giants.
  Captions: When the king of Vegetable Land became annoyed with the antics of two villagers, the resultant trouble needed the combined efforts of the Marvelman Family - to clear up the threatened catastrophe.
  Linkara: What kind of a king of Vegetable Land are you if you need to recruit outside citizenry to deal with your internal problems? [beat] Next election, I'm voting for Anton York.
• Micky Moran, the civilian identity of Marvelman, goes to the village of Hogsworthy with an agricultural correspondent to observe a contest between two neighbors and rivals, Enoch Eaggot and Uriah Rake; as they examine Enoch's vegetables, Micky feels something hit the back of his head:
  Micky: Wow! What on Earth was that?
  Scott: It's a gourd, bitch.
  • As it turns out, the rivalry has gotten so heated that Enoch and Uriah regularly come to blows, and it takes the intervention of Marvelman to finally break them up:
    Uriah: You keep out of our business.
    Enoch: Yeah! You keep out of this, blue boy! You're an outsider.
    Civilian: That's right. Let's throw the big guy out...
    Linkara: Nothing brings assholes together better than hating an outgroup!
    Captions: Meanwhile, these events are being followed with keen interest in a strange land - a very strange land - the land of the King of the Vegetables......
    Linkara: [as the captions] It is only his land, though, because who gives a crap about the other vegetable people?
    King: I'm tired of these puny mortals trying to grow giant vegetables and squabbling about it!
    Linkara: Call us puny all you want, dude, but you're the one who ends up on my pizza.
    King: Men of Vegetable Land! Speed the word! To Earth and inject all plants so that they grow to gigantic proportions.
    Linkara: [as the king] Humanity argues too much about the size of their vegetables; let's stop them by making them even bigger!
    Gen. Patton: Magnificent bastard, I read your book!
• The Marvelman Family comes together to compare notes and mitigate the damage from the vegetables' attack:
  Young Marvelman: What can we do with these masses of vegetation?
  Marvelman: Dump it in the sea.
  Linkara: [as Marvelman] Screw practical uses for this oversized food; let's make it the fishes' problem, instead.
• After the crisis is resolved, the contest resumes; Uriah and Enoch begin to argue yet again, but Kid Marvelman brings in the biggest marrow from Vegetable Land he can find to put theirs to shame:
  Uriah: Very droll! To think we were squabbling and all the time Marvelman was growing a real beauty..
  Linkara: [as Uriah] Well, grab a pitchfork, and we'll stab him instead!
• The final story in this anthology is the first part of a serial:
  Title: "Marvelman and the Great Gargunza Mystery, Part 1: 'Gargunza is Kidnapped'"
  Linkara: Whoa-ho-ho! Spoilers, comic!
  Captions: Gargunza, the money-mad scientist, and enemy of Marvelman, has been released from prison on parole.
  Linkara: [as a clerk] Well, let's see; your acid vapor almost destroyed the Earth, and cut a hole in the Moon... But, you have been on good behavior since you got here... [shrugs]
  Gargunza: [thinking] Money, money, money! I must have money! Tons of it. I must think of a way to make some.
  Linkara: Behind the scenes of Activision Blizzard.
  • Almost immediately, though, some goons kidnap Gargunza and take him to the distant country of Boromania:
    Linkara: Eh, Spiromania still has more prestige.
    Bone Button: Spiromania is running wild!
• Marvelman tracks down the ringleader, Relti, and fights off his men before flying away to the Central Laboratories:
  Marvelman: [thinking] Something big is going on without a doubt.
  Linkara: [as a scientist] Men, we've done it; we've finally invented the first hemorrhoid cream you can swallow!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Captions: What is this weapon the evil Gargunza has invented?
  Linkara: A lawsuit; seems to be the thing it always comes back to with Marvelman.

715: Superman/Aliens #1

• The story begins in Earth's orbit:
  Captions: Not so long ago in our history, events that transpired in the silent vacuum of space went unnoticed by Man.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Like an acid vapor putting a hole in the Moon. Thanks, Marvelman! [gives a thumbs-up]
  Captions: Times change.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Now we stare in space like a creepy voyeur.
  • As a LexCorp satellite looms overhead, something rapidly approaches the planet's atmosphere:
    Captions: Satellites were launched into orbit to act as sentries— —ever alert for approaching interlopers. The mission was a simple one.
    Linkara: [as the captions] And still, they managed to screw it up! You had one job!
• Clark Kent and Lois Lane are called to LexCorp to meet with the head of the company's space program, Dr. Cheryl Kimble:
  Dr. Kimble: I am Dr. Cheryl Kimble, and I am about to give you the story of the year.
  Linkara: [as Dr. Kimble] Helicopters that can go into space!
  Linkara: [as Clark] But, how do the helicopter blades keep them moving out there?
  Linkara: [as Dr. Kimble] LexCorp helicopters can now move space air!
  • Actually, they've intercepted an object falling from the atmosphere and are on their way to the calculated impact site:
    Clark: But, Doctor! What if this... object has hostile intent?
    Dr. Kimble: Science and research should never be regarded in terms of benevolence or malevolence! The only thing that matters is discovery itself!
    Linkara: So when the alien killing machine bisects you along the waist, you should feel happy about what amazing discoveries you've made!
    • Dr. Kimble explains that the object is emitting various transmissions:
      Dr. Kimble: It's garbled, almost unintelligible, but I think you might find it interesting.
      Linkara: [as Clark] "Drink... more... Ovaltine."
• Clark, using his heat vision, causes a distraction that forces the helicopter to land; as he rushes towards the object over the pilot's objections, Lois explains to the pilot that when Clark sets his mind on something, he does it:
  Linkara: [as Clark] Lois, I've set my mind on investing in Quibi; I think now's the right time.
• Clark changes into Superman and catches the object as it falls into the ocean, setting it down on the deck of a LexCorp ship:
  Crewman: Uh, LexCorp has official rules that says we ain't supposed to talk to you. But I gotta say that it's a real honor to have you on my boat!
  Linkara: [as the crewman] Though, I wish you weren't putting the garbage we just dumped in the ocean back on it.
  • After Superman learns of a surviving Kryptonian city from the object, Dr. Kimble and Lois arrive:
    Dr. Kimble: Superman, what the hell have you done to my discovery?
    Linkara: [as Dr. Kimble] Since you touched it, I can't even claim it was damaged in shipping!
• Superman and Dr. Kimble work out an arrangement that allows him transport to the city as long as she gets first look at the technology he brings back:
  Superman: [thinking] I agree— —praying I won't bring back anything LexCorp can turn into weaponry.
  Linkara: Superman successfully brings back a Kryptonian bidet.
  • As Superman prepares to leave, both Dr. Kimble and Lois beg him to let them join him, but he insists he has to do this alone:
    Dr. Kimble: LexCorp and Superman have never been the best of friends, but still— —I wish you success.
    Linkara: [as Superman] Well, thank you, Doctor. [beat] Okay, I guess I can bring you back one laser gun...
• Superman arrives at the city and finds it utterly desolate, with no sounds or power generation coming from it; after inspecting some damage, he comes upon a vehicle:
  Superman: [thinking] A bus? Looks like it tried to crash its way out— —and ended up doing a high dive off Dead Man's Curve.
  Linkara: Geez, you tell the driver he's running two stops behind schedule, and he takes it personally.
  Superman: [thinking] So what were they running from? Blood.
  Linkara: [as Superman] They were running from blood! Of course!
  Superman: [thinking] I'm not the first one who's been here.
  Linkara: [as Superman] Someone's already licked up most of it before I could...
  • After helping a group of survivors escape to safety, Superman notices the corpse of a facehugger:
    Superman: [thinking] Interesting. Some kind of crab.
    Linkara: [as Superman] Bet this would go great with butter...
    Superman: [thinking] Even though this entire rock has a delicate atmosphere... the city itself probably has a more delicate one. I don't want to upset it by crashing my way in. The indirect approach seems more practical. I'll tunnel my way right under the barrier— —and into the middle of the city.
    Linkara: [as Superman] This place is very delicate; I'd better smash my way through a part of it!
• As Superman digs his way through the ground, he finds a cavern filled with Xenomorph eggs:
  Superman: [thinking] Some kind of strange rock formations? Systematic in organization— —yet organic in appearance.
  Linkara: ...Yeah! Because they're organic eggs! [angrily taps his head]
  Superman: [thinking] Nothing like that on the Krypton I've learned about.
  Linkara: [as Superman] I mean, maybe in the red-light district...
  Superman: [thinking] More and more this place seems to reek— —of death.
  Linkara: Really, Superman? What was the first hint of that? The dead bodies, perhaps?
  • He eventually finds himself attacked by a Xenomorph, but he manages to toss it aside:
    Superman: [thinking] No matter, though. Looks fairly harmless.
    Linkara: Okay, between this and the rocks thing, I'm starting to think his eyesight is starting to go along with his powers.
    • Superman eventually decides to talk to the alien creature:
      Superman: Wait! I know you've never seen me before, but I'm no threat! I'm here looking for other beings who look like me!
      Linkara: Well, cool, Superman, but according to the artwork in this panel, that means you're looking for Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
• After getting slashed in the chest by the Xenomorph, Superman is left with no choice but to fight it off again, eventually holding its jaw open and getting a look at its second mouth:
  Superman: You should have quit while you had the chance! I can keep your jaws propped open until— —Until—
  Linkara: [as Superman] My God... Your dental work is amazing!
  • Superman is eventually rescued by a Kryptonian woman with a flamethrower, later revealed to be Kara Zor-El; after getting to know each other a bit, as well as adjusting to Kara's Kryptonian dialect, Superman says he received the city's distress buoy:
    Kara: <You mean one of those things finally worked?! Those were launched years ago!>
    Linkara: [as Kara] I don't suppose you kept it, did you? One of those goes for hundreds on Space eBay.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Kara: <This place was called Argo City.>
  Superman: <Argo?>
  Linkara: [as Kara] Yeah, that movie came out, and everybody went wild for it; I prefer the original name, "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time City".

716: PATREON: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

• Linkara jumps right into the game's first case, fittingly titled "The First Turnabout":
  Linkara: As long as it isn't Star Trek's "Turnabout Intruder", we're fine.
  • The intro shows a young woman having freshly been murdered by a man wielding a miniature "Thinker" statue:
    Linkara: Ah, good; since we know the murderer already, it looks like we're Columbo-ing this one. I'll start saving up my "Just one more thing..."
    • The murderer looks shocked at what he just did, even though he came wearing gloves to hide his prints:
      Linkara: Maybe he's just horrified that his Hitman playthrough was supposed to have no non-target kills, and he screwed it up quickly.
• We are quickly introduced to novice attorney Phoenix Wright, having been hired to defend the man accused of the crime... his best friend, Larry Butz:
  Linkara: If this were a Batman comic, Larry would be destined to be some kind of butt-themed supervillain.
  • Phoenix's boss, Mia Fey, is impressed with how quickly he decided to take the lead on the case:
    Mia: Not everyone takes on a murder trial right off the bat like this.
    Linkara: [as Mia] Especially since you're a tax attorney.
    • As for Larry...
      Butz: Dude, I'm so guilty!! Tell them I'm guilty!!! Gimme the death sentence! I ain't afraid to die!
      Linkara: [claps] Well, hey! Easiest case ever! And you were worried, Phoenix!
• The judge has so little confidence in Phoenix's abilities that he is forced to ask him to state the name of the defendant:
  Linkara: [as Phoenix] Easy! "Court Record"!
  Mia: You did pass the bar, didn't you?
  Linkara: [as Phoenix] No, I tripped over it! Call OSHA!
• The prosecutor, Winston Payne, elaborates on how Larry and the victim, Cindy Stone, used to date but then broke up, and that she used him as one of her "sugar daddies" to pay for her expensive trips:
  Payne: She took their money and used it to support her lifestyle. We can clearly see what kind of woman this Ms. Stone was.
  Linkara: We can clearly see what kind of pain you are, dude.
• After cross-examining the witness, Frank Sahwit, and catching him off-guard by revealing a contradiction in his testimony, Phoenix is rewarded with a toupee to the face:
  Linkara: [as Phoenix, with a wig on his face] Your Honor, I move to declare him a hostile witness...
  • After some encouraging from Mia, Phoenix figures out that the reason the time on the Thinker clock is off is because it was actually set to nine hours ahead, as Cindy used it during her last vacation to Paris:
    Phoenix: Proof enough for you, Mr. Sahwit? Or should I say... Mr. Did It!
    Linkara: OBJECTION! Don't be stealing my dumb jokes, Phoenix! I have nothing else that distinguishes me out there if I'm not making snarky, basic comedy in the things I review!
• In the second case, "Turnabout Sisters", tragedy strikes as Mia is found dead, and Phoenix has to defend her younger sister Maya; she elaborates on how she comes from a family of spirit mediums, and how after her mother Misty had her reputation take a hit after accusing an innocent man of murder 15 years ago, she went into hiding:
  Linkara: [as Maya] And after the incident with my mom's ESP, let's not even talk about my other sister Sadako and what happened to her; on an unrelated subject, don't ever own a VCR, Mr. Wright.
• The trial introduces us to another longstanding character in the series, prosecutor Miles Edgeworth; his willingness to play dirty is demonstrated after a hotel bellhop admits that he was ordered by Edgeworth to not mention that someone was staying with the main witness to the crime, April May, in the hotel across the street from Mia's office:
  Linkara: Miles Doucheworth.
• Phoenix follows the clues to Redd White, an information broker who also happens to have leaked the information about the botched reading 15 years ago to the press; what makes this character unique is his... peculiar way of speaking:
  White: I was just inquirably asking the title that you go by.
  Linkara: "Inquirably"?
  Benoit Blanc: It's not a word. [...] It's not a real word. It-It kind of sounds like one...
  White: I'm Redd White, CEO of Bluecorp. You know, Corporate Expansion Official?
  Linkara: "Expansion"?
  Benoit Blanc: —now, well, that... That is a word, but it's the wrong word.
  White: So I'm afraid I am not used to conversing with the wordily challenged.
  Benoit Blanc: A veritable minefield of malapropisms...
  White: She does gather information for us as part of her duties. But, I assure you, we do not condone illegal methods!
  Benoit Blanc: ...and factual errors.
• Thanks to White's finagling, Phoenix is the new prime suspect in Mia's murder and is about to stand trial; Maya learns that Phoenix and Edgeworth have a history together, and that the trial is a sham due to the judge being in White's pocket, leading her to ask Edgeworth how he can torture an innocent person:
  Edgeworth: "Innocent"...? How can we know that? The guilty always lie, to avoid being found out. There's no way to tell who is guilty and who is innocent!
  Linkara: ...Yeah, there is! You're an idiot!
  Edgeworth: All that I can hope to do is get every defendant declared "guilty"!
  Linkara: All I'm hearing here is that you're not actually interested in doing the legwork necessary to determine who is guilty and who is innocent. Well, I'm sorry, Miles; clearly, we interrupted your hair-coiffing session to get it to properly part like the Red Sea.
• As Phoenix's trial gets underway, White gets called to the witness stand, and as Phoenix repeatedly points out the inconsistencies in his testimony, Linkara reaches an epiphany:
  Linkara: You know, I was expecting the grand mastermind of this whole affair, this guy who holds politicians and judges and law enforcement in the palm of his hand, this evil genius who seems to hold all the cards in his hands, to outmaneuver and destroy me with swiftness and ease. Then I realized one important fact of this whole case: Redd White...
  Benoit Blanc: --is an idiot.
  • Just before Phoenix can nail White for the murder, Edgeworth interjects and convinces White to plead guilty to the charge of wiretapping Mia's office so he can face punishment for a lesser crime; as Phoenix worriedly mulls over his next steps, he suddenly sees Mia's ghost:
    Linkara: And you guys thought I was kidding when I brought up Sadako!
    • As it turns out, seeing Phoenix about to give up was enough for Maya to tap into her spirit medium powers and channel Mia; this means that she takes on Mia's physical appearance and voice, including her considerable bust poking through Maya's robes and revealing her cleavage:
      Linkara: This is a very horny trial court.
• The third case is titled "Turnabout Samurai":
  Linkara: One of Kurosawa's lesser efforts.
  • One month after Maya joins Phoenix in his law office, the two are called in to represent Will Powers, star of the Japan-inspired children's action show The Steel Samurai, after he is accused of killing his co-star, Jack Hammer, AKA "The Evil Magistrate"; in fact, the preview for this case is a clip from the show's latest episode:
    Evil Magistrate: The pale moon in the sky cries for your blood!
    Linkara: [holding his hands up to the sky] REJOICE.
    Steel Samurai: The moon? No, it is you who should gaze upon the moon...
    Linkara: [as the Steel Samurai] There's a big hole in it because of Marvelman!
• Edgeworth isn't bringing his "A" game in the first trial day, becoming flustered when the witness, an elderly security guard named Wendy Oldbag, openly flirts with him and asks him to call her "grandma":
  Linkara: What he won't admit to is that he's actually into it; it's just, he's too much of a professional to indulge in that sort of thing during a trial.
• Phoenix and Maya meet with the show's director:
  Linkara: OH, MY GOD, IT'S GRAHAM LINEHAN! No, no, no, no... Fortunately, we're luckier than that; it's "Sal Manella". [beat] That's actually his name. [beat] If this game was made in 2020, I imagine we'd meet a virologist named "Cole Vidd".
  • They also talk to a kid who snuck onto the show's set, Cody Hackins, who only gives up what he knows after giving him some Steel Samurai trading cards:
    Linkara: But who cares about those? Does a single one of them have Mr. T on them? I think not.
• During the second trial day, Manella testifies that the cast and crew took a 15-minute break during the shoot, which could conceivably be enough time for one of them to murder Hammer:
  Manella: But it was only 15 minutes! 15! That's only 13 in Base 12!
  Linkara: And that's terrible. [grins]
• After the trial's conclusion, Edgeworth meets with Phoenix to talk about him assisting in uncovering the truth behind Hammer's murder:
  Edgeworth: In retrospect, it would have been better had we not met. Thanks to you, I am saddled with unnecessary... feelings.
  Linkara: [as Edgeworth, crossing his arms and looking away] It's not like I even like you, Phoenix, b-b-b-baka.
• The fourth case, "Turnabout Goodbyes", finds Phoenix taking the case of none other than Edgeworth, who is accused of murdering a man in the middle of Gourd Lake on Christmas Eve; Edgeworth, naturally, does not take this well:
  Edgeworth: Help me? You? Don't be ridiculous.
  Phoenix: Sorry...?
  Edgeworth: You're a novice! You've only been in three trials!
  Linkara: [as Phoenix] Well, somebody needs to get more into the Christmas spirit, it would seem! Come on, Miles; we'll drink eggnog and talk about your impending murder trial! Or do I have to call David Copperfield and Maureen McGovern to cheer you up?
• Among the several complications in the case, such as Edgeworth's father Gregory being the victim of the case Misty Fey was asked to help solve (DL-6) and a reporter named Lotta Hart claiming to be a witness to the murder, the media is in a frenzy regarding a Loch Ness Monster-style creature being spotted in the lake, nicknamed "Gourdy":
  Linkara: Which is neat and all, but does this Gourdy have pig power in the house?! [plays a clip from the "Pig Power in the House" music video]
  • And another one — the statute of limitations on the DL-6 case expires in three days, meaning if someone isn't arrested and tried for Gregory's murder before time runs out, justice will never be served:
    Linkara: On the third day of Christmas, we apparently got no justice; bummer.
• During the second day of investigation, Phoenix and Maya visit a boat shack out on the lake, home to a senile old man who thinks he's running a pasta restaurant:
  Linkara: Personally, I thought the boats tasted fine, but Gordon Ramsay had a different complaint.
  Gordon Ramsay: WE COOK SPAGHETTI TO ORDER!
• During the trial, the prosecutor, Edgeworth's mentor Manfred von Karma, makes a bold claim:
  von Karma: A prediction! Today's trial will end three minutes from now!
  Linkara: Well, I can just sit here and not advance the story for four minutes, so... I win, dude.
• Through some sleuthing, Phoenix and Maya conclude that von Karma was involved in framing Edgeworth for the crime; this stemmed from a grudge against Gregory after he managed to sully his perfect win record in court. After Phoenix and Maya stumble into von Karma in the police station's records room, he shocks them with a taser, later stealing the DL-6 file and the letter he wrote marking his involvement in the current case:
  Linkara: Don't worry, guys; I know things look bad, but I've got another lawyer on standby to help!
  Scott: Your Honor, can I win now?
  Judge: No.
  Scott: Okay.
• The bonus fifth case, "Rise from the Ashes", ends with Phoenix forced to present evidence seemingly obtained illegally:
  Phoenix: ... Before I do that... there's just one little thing I have to clear up.
  Linkara: [claps] Columbo moment achieved!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Sahwit: Y-you with your "objections," and your "evidence"... Just who do you think you are!?
  Linkara: Well, given he doesn't know what cross-examination is, not a lawyer, apparently.

717: PATREON: Hellblazer #41-46: "Dangerous Habits"

• Issue 41 opens on John Constantine in a café:
  Constantine: [narrating] Springtime. Everything wakes up and gets on with it. Everything carries on living. All except for me. I'm dying.
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Mostly because I ordered food three hours ago and still nothing. Where's my waiter?!
  Constantine: [narrating] I never thought it would be like this.
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Still, paralytic poison in my coffee; points for me not seeing that coming.
  Constantine: [narrating] I mean, not for me. Not for John Constantine. I'm the one who steps from the shadows, all trenchcoat and cigarette and arrogance, ready to deal with the madness.
  Linkara: [as Constantine] My first day working at the daycare was wild.
  Constantine: [narrating] Oh, I've got it all sewn up. I can save you. If it takes the last drop of your blood, I'll drive your demons away. I'll kick them in the bollocks and spit on them when they're down, and then I'll be gone back into the darkness, leaving only a nod and a wink, and a wisecrack.
  Linkara: Dude, all I said was that the grocery store price hikes were a little extreme!
  Constantine: [narrating] I walk my path alone... Who would want to walk with me?
  Linkara: I don't know; maybe if you were played by Keanu Reeves?
  • Yes, Constantine is, in fact, dying, and he's none too happy about it:
    Constantine: [narrating] I should die as I lived. Someday I would push it too far. Get too clever. The jaws of Hell would snap shut and for once I'd be that little bit too slow. My death would be unique.
    Linkara: [as a random guy] I tell you, Steve, I never seen someone die from being drowned in gophers before, but first time for everything, I guess.
• His first clue something was wrong with him came in the form of a fit of vomiting one morning the previous week:
  Constantine: [narrating] I'd just spat a piece of myself into the sink.
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Hey, my gall bladder! I've been looking for that!
  • After a trip to the doctor, Constantine learns that, thanks to his smoking habit, he has terminal lung cancer:
    Constantine: [narrating] Few people really think about dying... Paranoids worry about it without really understanding it. Victims of fatal accidents and murder don't have time to think.
    Chris Knight: I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said... "I drank what?"
    Constantine: [narrating] You only really think about it if you take the time to. And you only take the time if you know it's going to happen. That's when the thought of death takes up your every waking moment... What else is there to do?
    Linkara: [as Constantine] In retrospect, I really should've taken up some hobbies...
    • Last night, Constantine had a nightmare in which he was attacked by the ghosts of his past:
      Constantine: Oh, Christ! Holy Jesus Christ! Come on, come on! Where the hell— [puffs on a cigarette] Hhhhhh...
      Linkara: [as Constantine] Oh, boy... I can't wait for that to come true! Kill me faster, cancer!
• After taking a tour of a nearby cancer ward to see what lies in store for him, Constantine realizes he doesn't want to die like this:
  Constantine: [narrating] I was left alone then, in the sudden silence of old men dying before their time. Or dying men old before their time.
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Or time dying old before their men.
  Constantine: [narrating] I won't die like this, I thought. Coming here was a mistake, as if I expected some easy way out. Some calm and quiet death. I'd be better off cutting my throat.
  Linkara: Yeah, how dare the hospital try to provide comfort and dignity as they die; really should just slice their throats then and there. [shrugs]
  • As he researches alternative solutions for his condition, Constantine gets a phone call from the doctor:
    Linkara: [as the doctor] Yeah, sorry, Mr. Constantine; we accidentally mixed your test results up with a guy named John Kramer. Nice guy; I'm sure he'll understand.
    • It's only after realizing in horror and anger that the doctors were examining the demon blood put into him three years ago that Constantine decided to go the the café:
      Constantine: [narrating] I've been here two hours, now. It was meant to be a planning session, but... ...the anger's gone, and the fear's come back.
      Linkara: [as Constantine] I need to pee, but I don't want to use the public restroom, and it's getting worse...!
• In issue 42, Constantine takes a trip to Ireland to meet his friend and fellow mage Brendan Finn for help, only to learn he is also in terminal condition; as his last act of friendship, Finn shows him a pool of holy water left behind by St. Patrick that he likes to transmogrify with:
  Finn: Jesus changed it into wine, but I've all the wine I could ever want.
  Linkara: [as Finn] So I'm making Capri Sun.
  • Actually, Finn makes beer with it, which Constantine finds to be quite delicious:
    Constantine: Gorgeous as it is, mate, you must be off your head... I mean, magic's not meant to be for this. You'll get yourself in trouble...
    Finn: So what is magic for, would you tell me? Come on, like. I can just see the Devil comin' to get me for makin' magic stout.
    Linkara: He would; he actually owns the patent on the process.
• After Finn dies, Constantine prepares to leave, but is met at the door by none other than Satan himself, AKA "The First of the Fallen", who has come to claim Finn's soul as payment for "the power to amass a collection of the finest drink ever tasted":
  Linkara: Of course... Diet Sunkist Lemonade.
  • The First also says that he has to collect the soul by midnight on the night of his death, or else the arrangement is null and void:
    The First: I imagine he thought himself a great man indeed to bargain with the Devil.
    Linkara: [as the First] But honestly, I usually only steal people's marriages.
    • The First says Finn hoped to outsmart him, but balks at the idea:
      The First: But they don't outsmart me. And I'll tell you why. They're mortal. And to be mortal is to be stupid, proud, conceited — and ultimately pathetic.
      Linkara: [as the First] Unlike me, the Devil, who is truly not proud or conceited at all!
• The next issue sees Constantine visit a succubus named Ellie for advice on his next steps:
  Ellie: He knows you're dying, John. He's just sitting down there and waiting, and when he shows up he's going to rip your soul to pieces. Very slowly. I mean, usually he doesn't get his hands on the ones he really hates, does he?
  Linkara: [as Ellie] He was really banking on Mr. Rogers screwing up in his last few years, but you saw how well that went.
• Before Constantine goes to meet "the Snob" at his club, Constantine returns to the cancer ward to visit Matt, a patient he befriended his first time there:
  Constantine: If someone told you you were going to die, okay—
  Matt: Someone has.
  Constantine: Yeah, but if you were... uh... a bit more determined to live... ...wouldn't you try everything? No matter how daft or weird or whatever?
  Linkara: [as Matt] I did; just a heads-up, washing yourself with squirrels instead of soap does not help.
  • During the chat, Constantine describes the Snob:
    Constantine: A complete arsehole, is who he is. This stuck-up tosser who looks down on everyone — I mean everyone — and then expects them to kiss his arse all the same. Total bastard.
    Linkara: [as Constantine] You know, a YouTuber!
• And so Constantine begrudgingly heads to the Snob's club:
  Constantine: [narrating] I hate this place. I hate everyone in it. Stupid relics of a bygone era that have far too much influence on this one.
  Linkara: Ah... Congress.
  • Constantine uses some magic to get past the club's doorman:
    Constantine: [narrating] Not really supposed to do things like that, but I'm in no mood to piss about. Screw the rules.
    Linkara: But you don't have any money...
• Constantine meets with the Snob — actually the archangel Gabriel — but the conversation goes poorly; namely, Gabriel claims that he owes him nothing, so Constantine demands an explanation:
  Gabriel: You are dying of lung cancer because you have been smoking thirty cigarettes a day since you were seventeen years old. And you are going to Hell because of the evil you have done.
  Linkara: [as Gabriel] Mostly wearing socks with sandals; it's like the Eleventh Commandment.
  • Naturally, Constantine does not take this well, but according to Gabriel, the matter is out of his hands:
    Constantine: Oh, I see. There's some twat sitting somewhere with a pair of scales, is there? Measuring up good and evil in ounces?
    Linkara: No, no, no, no, John... According to The Good Place, it's actually a full accounting office keeping track of points!
    Neil: For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding. -1,200 points.
• After a much-needed drinking session at the bar, Constantine gets an idea:
  Constantine: [narrating] I'm running about the place, looking for help from other people... but... But I usually rely on myself, don't I...?
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Okay, me... Cure cancer!
• The next issue finds Constantine staying with his sister Cheryl, who he informs about his diagnosis, lamenting that his niece Gemma will have to cope without an uncle:
  Cheryl: This has something to do with... what you do, hasn't it? I never really thought about it before, but that must be it. I remember when you were growing up, and all those weird books you had... full of stuff about these things.
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Listen, Cheryl, Twilight wasn't as bad as people made it out to be; people just hate on things that teenage girls like!
  Linkara: [as Cheryl] True enough on that last point, John, but... No, they were still very, very bad.
• On the eve of his death, Constantine performs a ritual that summons the second Lord of Hell:
  Second Lord of Hell: John Constantine. One day we would meet, this I knew. Your reputation precedes you.
  Linkara: [as the second Lord of Hell] Is it true that you can fit, like, fifty cigarettes inside your mouth all at once? I'm a demon from Hell, and even I find that impressive.
  • After making an offer to the Lord of Hell, Constantine muses over his next steps:
    Constantine: [narrating] Can you see me now, all you friends I've lost and betrayed? Do you wish me well, then, or are you praying I'll be with you soon?
    Linkara: Eh, not really; they're happy you're going, but all the good torture is reserved for higher-ranking demons. It's all office politics down there.
    • Constantine restarts the ritual, this time summoning the third and final Lord of Hell:
      Constantine: [narrating] This one's a shape changer. I mean, they all are, but this one enjoys it. Got quite an imagination, too. I fight back nausea as we talk, and bargain, and deal.
      Linkara: [as Constantine] Oh, God, why are your nipples little Jake and Logal Paul faces?!
      Linkara: The third agrees to the deal.
      Constantine: [narrating] It's beginning to get a bit much. That was something I shouldn't have looked at as closely as I did...
      Linkara: [as Constantine] How is it peeing Andrew Tate out of itself?!
• After Constantine imbibes one last drink and speeds up his death by slicing open his wrists, the First appears to claim his due:
  The First: Suicide, Constantine? Not seeing it through to the bitter end?
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Well, I already finished the bottle, and in five minutes, I'm going to need to use the bathroom, so... [shrugs]
  The First: Look at me, Constantine. Look at my garb. I bring you damnation.
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Wait, what the hell is that?
  Linkara: [as the First] Huh? Oh, sorry; this is one of Linkara's t-shirts you can purchase from Shark Robot or Teespring. I forgot to change before coming up here; give me a minute.
• Issue 45 opens with Constantine remarking how the room is getting darker, and the First is surprised by the sudden appearance of the second Lord of Hell:
  The First: You! Trespass!
  Second Lord of Hell: Trespass indeed — right is the accusation, wrong the accused. Mine this one is. By right, mine.
  Linkara: [as the second Lord of Hell] And frankly, I'm kind of annoyed because I was just here an hour ago, and then I had to turn right around as soon as I got back!
  • The figure, Azazel, claims he wrote up a contract with Constantine:
    The First: Contract? He sold you his soul? He is mine by right of insult!
    Linkara: Man, Hell needs some anti-SLAPP laws.
    • They are soon joined by the third and final Lord of Hell, Beelzebub, who also claims to have formed a contract with Constantine:
      Azazel: This right of insult you claim — he has dealt you an insult? What has he done?
      The First: That... I... It need not concern you.
      Linkara: [as Azazel] Oh, my God, did he pull a Stingy Jack on you? What did he have you turn into before placing you next to a crucifix?
• Constantine explains his plan to the demons, causing Azazel and Beelzebub to laugh about it:
  Beelzebub: Did he innvite you to a churrch? And did you go willingllly, thinking it a shrine to yoursself not yet dessecrated? Here, he sssaid, trrry a glass of thisss! It only lookss like holy water!
  Linkara: [as Beelzebub] But in reality, it was... Sssprite!
• The final issue in the storyline begins with Constantine celebrating having his cancer removed by tricking the Satanic Triumvirate:
  Constantine: [narrating] No one's ever done that to the Three. No one. I mean, it's unheard of. You just don't do it. Can you imagine the insult they felt? Immortal rage at mortal insolence? The first man to beat them is nothing more than a cheap, flashy little crook?
  Linkara: Eh, I don't know; Daniel Webster might raise an objection at that.
• The story ends with some lyrics from The Pogues' "Rainy Night in Soho":
  Lyrics: We watched our friends grow up together/And we saw them as they fell/Some of them fell into Heaven/Some of them fell into Hell.
  Linkara: And then some of them stayed on Earth because they knew how to trick demons.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Linkara: [as Constantine hugs Kit in the pouring rain] You know, John, if you really want to prevent any kind of war in Hell from your death, maybe move out of the torrential rainfall that's either going to drown you or lead to pneumonia or something?

718: Youngblood: Strikefile #4

• Linkara mentions how, like many people back in the 90's, a lot of viewers were disappointed with the first three issues of Strikefile; of course, some complaints hold more weight than others:
  90's Dude: DUUUUUDE! The only way that I was disappointed is that there weren't more GUUUUUUNS!
• The issue opens in...
  Captions: Washington, D.C. A federal research facility not far from the Pentagon...
  Linkara: [as the captions] Also known as "a bar".
  • Shaft, Badrock, and Diehard have been called to this facility by a scientist, Dr. Petersen, who has been working on a particular project that Badrock does not approve of:
    Shaft: Quiet down, 'Rock... I want to wait until we've had a chance to see what's going on down here before jumping to any conclusions.
    Linkara: [as Shaft] Then we'll jump to conclusions; there's an order to this, young man.
• As it turns out, the project involves bringing back an old foe:
  Dr. Petersen: ...Take a good look! What you see before you is the new, improved OVERTKILL!
  Linkara: [as Dr. Petersen] We've added a cup holder!
  Badrock: [aside] Wow, he's even bigger than I remember.
  Linkara: Yeah, but Liefeld characters tend to inflate like balloons, so that isn't saying much.
  Shaft: Yes, he's pretty impressive, Dr. Petersen, but unfortunately, it's my turn to cast doubts on all of this.
  Linkara: [as Shaft] I mean, this seems like a lot of extra bells and whistles for a colonoscopy...
  • Shaft demands to know how they'll make sure Overtkill won't cause trouble like in their last encounter, but Dr. Petersen explains that he has a personal stake in making sure his reactivation goes smoothly:
    Dr. Petersen: Overtkill was one of my greatest creations, as well as being one of my most dramatic failures. No one was more disheartened than I when we learned he was destroyed on only his second mission.
    Linkara: [as Dr. Petersen] Then I was able to write him off on my taxes, and that made me feel better.
    Dr. Petersen: And no one was more appalled when Overtkill reappeared several months later, rebuilt and reprogrammed by Sicilian mob boss Luigi Bartino!
    Linkara: Eh, I don't know; I think all the people that he killed might be a bit more appalled.
• One week later, in Overtkill's repair lab...
  Captions: With the exception of a few superfluous accessories added on here and there, Overtkill's condition remains relatively unchanged.
  Linkara: [as the captions] They did add a cool flame decal that they think makes it look more rad.
  Captions: Despite the endless hours of labor dedicated to refurbishing his charred and battered frame, he remains as motionless as the day his fractured body was brought into the lab.
  Linkara: Turns out Apple's anti-repair safeguards existed back then, too.
  • Suddenly, Overtkill reactivates and frees himself, killing the guards outside the lab:
    Overtkill: HA! What pathetic fool was ignorant enough to rebuild me before lockin' me up? Talk about STUPID!
    Linkara: Honestly, a more accurate tagline than "The Next Generation of Heroes".
    Overtkill: Whatever. I guess the important thing is that I'm back. Ya hear that, folks? OVERTKILL IS BACK!
    Tom Servo: I didn't even know you left.
• After being briefed on the situation via communicator, Badrock rushes to the scene, repeatedly punching Overtkill in a fit of rage:
  Badrock: YEEARGH
  Linkara: I mean, I know this was all painful for me, but I didn't know the same thing was true for them.
  • The fight continues, with neither combatant showing signs of slowing down:
    Overtkill: Y'know, this is really startin' to get kind of old, so how about we hurry up and get this over with?!
    Linkara: The attitude of most people reading this.
• Shaft arrives with Diehard and shoots acid arrows at Overtkill, causing his body to rapidly disintegrate; seeing no other option, Overtkill makes his escape by... ejecting his head, which can somehow fly on its own:
  Overtkill: Now, if you'll all excuse me... ...I think it's about time I "head out"!
  Linkara: ...Okay, comic, you get one point for that pun.
  • This then leads into a now-expected rapid-fire series of jokes:
    Linkara: Shaft's face right here kind of says it all, doesn't it?
    Linkara: Was this a feature that Petersen put on him? Why?
    Linkara: Geez, Overtkill, enough of these head games!
    Linkara: Hey, look; Rob Liefeld found an even lazier way to draw a character!
    Linkara: What's actually acting as the fuel for him to fly like that? Is he using up bits of his brain for this?
    Linkara: How is he navigating like this? Are his teeth just, like, controls that he operates with his tongue?
    Linkara: What's great is that if Overtkill has an action figure, the head popping off like this just means it's comic-accurate.
    Linkara: You think he ever knocks his own head off while he's brushing his teeth?
    Linkara: Even better, can the body move independently of him? Can he control it remotely?
    Linkara: You've heard of "Arms-Fall-Off-Lad"; now meet his cousin, "Head-Fall-Off-Man"!
    Linkara: Overtkill used to have hair, but he accidentally lit it on fire from his propulsion jets.
    Linkara: Whoa now, Overtkill! I don't want you to get ahead of things!
    Linkara: You know, if Youngblood defeats him again, they can put his head on a board as a trophy really easily.
    Linkara: Man, when Petersen finds out what happened, heads will roll. [beat] Or fly.
    Linkara: He really should be wearing a football helmet or something for safety; how do you think he lost that eye?
    Linkara: Geez, when he said "a little off the top", I don't think this is quite what he meant.
    Linkara: And finally...
    Linkara: Hey, everybody, I just wanted to give you the heads-up on this character! [beat] I have been doing this for 15 years!
• Back at the skyscraper of Mafia don Antonio Twist, he sends out his secretary to find Dr. Petersen's brother Kendall for information on Overtkill's whereabouts:
  Twist: Hmmph! Bubble-headed techno-geek. If that clown doesn't have a reasonable explanation, I'm going to have him killed so many ways he'll wish he was—!
  Linkara: Eh, he says that, but I bet he gets bored after the third way of killing, and the rest are just variations of stabbing him.
  • The issue ends with Overtkill's head crashing through the roof and landing on his desk:
    Overtkill: Long time no see, Mister Twist... ...We need to talk!
    Linkara: [as Overtkill] I'm that paperweight you abandoned at your old office!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Overtkill: Long time no see, Mister Twist... ...We need to talk!
  Linkara: [as Overtkill] But first, I really hate to ask, but my nose has been itching for the last hour, and, well...

719: What Dreams May Come, Part 1: The Sandman #1-20

• The first issue introduces us to Unity Kincaid, a girl in 1916 who dreams of a tall, dark man, with eyes that "burn like twin stars":
  Linkara: Unity dreams of Abe Vigoda.
  • After a botched summoning ritual led by black magician Roderick Burgess, Kincaid, along with many other children, have been put into a deep sleep, with Kincaid specifically being forced to sleep for 20 hours a day:
    Linkara: And dammit, they're not going to invent Mountain Dew for another 30 years!
• In 1930, Burgess' second-in-command, Ruthven Sykes, splits away from Burgess' order, taking several followers and artifacts with him:
  Caption: Magical war is declared.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Confusion erupts as both sides use the rallying cry, "Pick a card, any card!"
• In 1947, Burgess rants at his captive, Dream of the Endless (hereafter referred to as "Morpheus"), about how he hasn't said a word or taken any deals since the ritual, which gives way to an emotional breakdown:
  Burgess: I - <ahhah> - I didn't have to get so old. I shouldn't have had to get old.
  Linkara: I don't know, man; you managed to capture one of the Endless. It's frankly on you if you couldn't figure out some way of using magic to extend your life.
  Morpheus: [thinking] Watch my captor grow old and die. No satisfaction. Still here.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] I mean, it's good for a chuckle, at least, but that's the first in, like, 30 years; it's like you're starving to death and you get a single jelly bean to eat.
• In 1988, Burgess' son Alex, now old and decrepit himself, accidentally spins his wheelchair into Morpheus' containment circle, damaging it, though the guards don't seem to notice:
  Guard 1: Boy, the old man's stroppy today. Anything happening, then?
  Guard 2: Nah. Same old rubbish.
  Linkara: [as Guard 2] Says here that the Nemesis Statue is crashing near Windsor Castle; same old, same old.
  • Taking advantage of a distraction, Morpheus breaks free and returns to his realm:
    Morpheus: [thinking] It feels so good to be back... I left a monarch. Yet I return naked, alone... Hungry.
    Linkara: Yeah, not enough politicians have that end up happening.
    • To feed himself, Morpheus has to go into a dream and steal a bucket of chicken from an image of Colonel Sanders:
      Morpheus: [thinking] My first food in seventy years... I'm so hungry I don't even taste it.
      Linkara: [as Morpheus] Going back to him later for popcorn chicken, though...
• After Alex goes to sleep, Morpheus appears before him and gives him a thorough dressing-down:
  Morpheus: There are offenses that are unpardonable. Can you have any idea what it was like? Can you have any idea? Confined in a glass box for three score years and ten. A human lifetime. Time moves no faster for my kind than it does for humanity, and in prison it crawled at a snail's pace...
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] I asked for one goddamn rubber ball to bounce against the wall like Steve McQueen! That's all I wanted!
  Morpheus: You barred me from my realm with your foolish circle... You threatened, cajoled and pleaded for gifts that are neither mankind's to receive nor mine to give. You had no thought for the harm you must have brought to your world...
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] The Paul brothers are your fault, you know!
• The next issue introduces us to Cain and Abel (yes, that Cain and Abel), whose exploits usually end with Cain murdering Abel, then Abel coming back none the worse for wear; on one occasion, Cain murdered Abel after he was gifted a gargoyle that he named Irving, but claims that gargoyles' names are supposed to start with the letter "G":
  Linkara: I see Cain doesn't like dark Disney cartoons featuring Star Trek: TNG actors, then. [shrugs]
• Morpheus goes to the Three-in-One for assistance in locating his tools, and thanks them for their help:
  Maiden: You don't thank the Fates, Dreamkin!
  Mother: Ahahahahahaha! Heeee! We haven't helped you!
  Crone: Your troubles are only just beginning!
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] Ugh. Nice ladies, but they are going to be the death of me...
• In the third issue, Morpheus tracks down his pouch of sand to its most recent owner, one John Constantine, and demands he give it back:
  Linkara: [as Constantine] Well, I would, but you see, I already sold the pouch to two other members of the Endless...
  • After Morpheus helps him put his ex-girlfriend Rachel to rest, Constantine asks for one last thing:
    Constantine: It's just — ever since Newcastle. The last ten years... Ever since Newcastle I've been having these nightmares... Bad ones. Most nights. And... I wondered if you could...?
    Morpheus: I understand. Very well.
    Linkara: [as Morpheus] Your nightmares shall be intensified, per your request.
• In issue 4, Morpheus visits Lucifer Morningstar in Hell to talk about getting his helmet back from a demon:
  Linkara: If this was really Hell, you just know that Lucifer would make him fill out, like, a thousand different forms to requisition it back, and then deny the whole thing because of an un-dotted "I".
  • Lucifer describes how things have changed in Hell since Morpheus was captured, mainly that he now rules as part of a triumvirate, along with Azazel and Beelzebub:
    Lucifer: Some years ago the Dark, the shadow creature, came forth to challenge Heaven. The episode ended in... perhaps a stalemate. But the civil war in Hell that ensued tipped the precarious balance of power. We rule in coalition now, Azazel, Beelzebub and I.
    Linkara: [as Lucifer] I'm sorry, Morpheus, but we can't help you; it's an election year.
    • Morpheus claims he doesn't know the name of the demon who has his helmet, but Lucifer proposes a simple solution:
      Lucifer: Then let us summon all of them to tell, and meet them on the vasty plains of Hell!
      Linkara: Ugh, summoning everybody around here for an in-person meeting? This is Hell.
• At the meeting, Morpheus identifies the demon who took his helmet as Choronzon, who claims he got it in a fair trade; to settle the matter, Morpheus has no choice but to challenge Choronzon:
  Choronzon: Ssssso. As the challenged, I choose the battlefield. I assert reality.
  Linkara: [as Choronzon] Virtual reality! As a demon from Hell, I'm a big fan of the Virtual Boy.
• The fifth issue begins with John Dee, AKA the supervillain Doctor Destiny, escaping Arkham Asylum:
  Linkara: Someone escaping from Arkham Asylum?! Now we know this is fantasy!
  • Dee holds up a woman named Rosemary and forces her to drive him to the ruby's location at gunpoint, explaining his backstory and motives along the way:
    Dee: People think dreams aren't real because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes...
    Linkara: [as Dee] Also, sometimes, they're made of string cheese, and other times, made of traffic cones. I know, I don't get it, either; I didn't really have a lot of time to study it before I became a supervillain.
• In issue 7, Dee tries to use the ruby to drain Morpheus of his power, but ends up shattering it, leaving him trapped in a white void:
  Dee: So. Now I rule the Dreamworld. I will hide in dreams. I'll never go back, never leave here for the real world where people hurt you, where they don't care...
  Linkara: Spoken like someone who's never dreamed of showing up to class naked.
  • Actually, he's actually in the gigantic hand of Morpheus... who for some reason has decided to dress rather casually:
    Morpheus: Thank you, John Dee.
    Linkara: [as Morpheus] Finally, my casual slacks and beige t-shirt; truly, vestments fit for a king.
• The next issue opens with Morpheus meeting up with his sister Death, a pale goth woman wearing an ankh necklace:
  Death: What are you doing?
  Morpheus: Feeding the pigeons.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] One of the lesser duties of the King of Dreams, but I've been neglecting it for the last 80 years.
  Linkara: She quotes Mary Poppins at him.
  Death: I love that movie. You ever see it?
  Morpheus: No.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] I don't know if you've noticed, sister, but I was kind of gone for 80 years; I missed a lot!
• Issue 9 opens with an African chieftain telling a story to his son about Queen Nada, who found a potential husband in a stranger who arrived one day, but vanished without a trace; she decided to go to the next best place to locate him:
  Chieftain: She went into the forest, until she found the King of the Birds.
  Linkara: Who, Darius? I wouldn't talk to him; he's got that weird skull thing.
  • It turns out the stranger was Morpheus, who decided to consummate his love with her, no matter the consequences:
    Chieftain: When the Sun rose that morning, and saw the two of them together, it knew that something that was not meant to be had happened. And a blazing fireball fell from the Sun and burnt up the city of glass, razing it to the ground, leaving just a desert.
    Linkara: The Sun is an incredibly petty douchebag who murders an entire city full of people because their queen got laid; this justifies my lifestyle choice of being a pasty nerd who reviews comic books in his basement.
• The first part of "The Doll's House" opens with Rose Walker and her mother Miranda traveling to England to meet with Unity Kincaid, Miranda's mother, who wanted to meet her long-lost daughter after waking from her curse:
  Linkara: Aww, ain't that sweet? [beat] So anyway, this storyline is actually about a living nightmare who's a serial killer.
• The next issue sees Rose moving into a boarding house in Florida; among its inhabitants are Barbie, Ken, and two women wearing wedding dresses and veils named Zelda and Chantal:
  Chantal: Zelda and myself have lived here for two years... We possess the largest collection of stuffed spiders in private hands on the Eastern Seaboard.
  Linkara: Yeah, well... I have a ton of Bulbasaur plushies! [holds up a Bulbasaur plushie] And Cybermats! [holds up a Cybermat toy] Beat that!
• In issue 14, Rose and another tenant, Gilbert, have their car break down and stay in a hotel, which is hosting, of all things... a "cereal convention":
  Linkara: Cap'n Crunch was the guest of honor, trying to teach people new strategies to keep the Soggies from ruling.
  • Actually, the spelling is quite misleading, as this is, in reality, a convention... for serial killers:
    Linkara: And Cap'n Crunch would be totally inappropriate for that; killing in wartime like he did isn't really the same thing.
• After Morpheus saves Rose from a child molester, he heads into the assembly hall, where he sees his creation, the Corinthian, giving a speech about how awesome serial killing is:
  Morpheus: You disappoint me, Corinthian.
  Linkara: Man, imagine your dad showing up when you're making a big speech and proclaiming to the crowd how much you suck.
  • Morpheus bemoans how the Corinthian was supposed to embody all of the negative aspects of humanity, only to relegate himself to being a lowly serial killer:
    Morpheus: You've told them that there are bad people out there. And they've known that all along.
    Linkara: [as Morpheus] But not me, because I have done nothing bad, ever.
• In issue 13, we flash back to 1389, with Morpheus hanging out in a pub as Death tries to teach him more about humanity, when they overhear Hob Gadling say that nobody ever has to die; rather, they do it because everyone does it and goes along with it:
  Linkara: You hear that, decapitation victims? It's on you. Yeah, I remember back in the 90's when it was really trendy to die; just the biggest fad in the world, right alongside Beanie Babies.
  • Hob and Morpheus strike a deal where Hob is given immortality and asked to report what he experienced to Morpheus every 100 years; by the 17th century, Hob's life has taken a nosedive, and Morpheus asks if he wants to die yet:
    Hob: Are you crazy? Death is a mug's game. I got so much to live for.
    Linkara: [as Hob] So many new places on the streets to urinate! So many new rats to try to hunt down and eat!
• In issue 17, we learn of how the Muse Calliope is being held prisoner by a writer named Richard Madoc to boost his writing career; he eventually attains fame and success such that he is a frequent presence at parties:
  Woman: I loved your characterization of Aileen. There aren't enough strong women in fiction.
  Madoc: Actually, I do tend to regard myself as a feminist writer.
  Linkara: Ah, I see we accidentally started reading a Joss Whedon biography.
• Issue 20 focuses on Element Girl, an occasional ally of Metamorpho, who has similar powers as him thanks to the Orb of Ra:
  Linkara: So of course, this tragedy is the fault of our long-standing foe, ANCIENT EGYPT! [cue the Imperial March over the pyramids]
• The post-credits stinger:
  Choronzon: I am a dire wolf, prey-stalking, lethal prowler.
  Morpheus: I am a hunter, horse-mounted, wolf-stabbing.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] Naked for some reason, riding on horseback. [beat] I think I just defeated myself.

720: What Dreams May Come, Part 2: The Sandman #21-40

• In the recap, Linkara accuses Morpheus of being a shitty boyfriend to all of his exes, before adding that he personally still ships Morpheus and Hob Gadling.
• In issue 21, Destiny calls the other Endless (Morpheus, Death, Desire, Despair, and Delirium) together for a meeting:
  Destiny: I suppose you must be wondering why I called you all here.
  Linkara: [as Destiny] To destroy Superman.
  • Desire brings the topic around to Morpheus' past relationships:
    Desire: How's your love life? Killed any girlfriends recently? Or sentenced anymore of them to Hell?
    Sam Wilson: He's out of line... but he's right.
• After being called out by Death for condemning his old flame Nada to Hell after she rejected him, Morpheus swallows his pride and prepares to go to Hell to rectify his mistake:
  Death: Don't do anything stupid.
  Morpheus: I am afraid it is too late for that admonition.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] It's kind of my new name: "Dumbass of the Endless".
• Issue 22 sees Morpheus inform the other Endless of his trip to Hell, and that he may not make it back:
  Linkara: Hey, Morpheus, some dude in power armor dropped off a big shotgun; said to take it with his compliments. [beat] Well, actually, he said "rip and tear" over and over, but I think I got the gist of his meaning.
  • As part of his farewell tour, Morpheus visits Hob Gadling in his dream and shares a bottle of wine, to which Hob makes a toast that lends this storyline its title:
    Hob: "To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the Devil his due."
    Linkara: Yeah, I repeat that line to myself whenever I have to think about One More Day.
• After Cain approaches Lucifer as Morpheus' representative to announce his arrival, Lucifer rants about how other demons keep trying to usurp him, but he only acknowledges God as his true superior, who he never talks to anymore:
  Linkara: Well, you know, there's nothing stopping you from extending the olive branch, dude. You never know; don't let pride get in the way of reconciliation.
  Lucifer: Still. "Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven." Eh, little brother-killer?
  Cain: Suh-Certainly, Lord Lucifer. Whatever you say, Lord Lucifer.
  Lucifer: We didn't say it. Milton said it. And he was blind.
  Linkara: You saying blind people can't rule Hell?
• Issue 23 begins with Morpheus arriving in Hell to find... nothing; Lucifer appears and announces his resignation as the ruler of Hell, after realizing that his being relegated to torturing the souls of the damned after his failed rebellion against God was all part of the plan, and he now wishes to retire to a beach and learn how to dance and play the piano:
  Linkara: I mean, he's already mastered the fiddle; he's got to expand his musical repertoire.
  • News of this event reaches the ears of the Norse god Odin, who goes to recruit his adoptive son Loki, currently trapped in a cave with poison dripping on his face:
    Loki: Why... Why have you come here... Glad-of-War? To gloat at my... misfortune? To.. pass the time...?
    Odin: No, Loki Sky-Walker.
    Linkara: Aw, great; first Rey, and now Loki?! Who isn't a Skywalker, at this point?!
• Morpheus, now the sole proprietor of Hell, calls Death for advice, who is currently dealing with the small matter of the dead rising from their graves:
  Linkara: Damn it all, Lucifer! If you had just waited another year, Danny Chase could've survived!
• In issue 26, Morpheus meets with representatives from Norse, Egyptian, Japanese, Judeo-Christian, and European mythologies to discuss what will become of Hell, with Cluracan of the Faeries offering his sister Nuala to him as a token of good faith:
  Linkara: I mean, for crying out loud, he can conjure up beings whenever he wants; he doesn't need servants offered to him. I'd have given him, like... a gift card to a salon so he can style his hair. Or socks; when you get older, you really appreciate getting socks as a gift.
  • Shivering Jemmy, the representative of the Lords of Chaos, threatens Morpheus with war if they aren't given Hell, but she admits she was just kidding, and even gives him her balloon:
    Linkara: He got something that he was not expecting; that's how you make an interesting offer!
• Issue 27 begins with Morpheus reaching an epiphany:
  Morpheus: They all want it; I don't. I never thought that disposing of the unwanted could be so hard.
  Linkara: Hell, Batman could've told you that. [snaps his fingers]
  Batman: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!
  • After being forced to cede control of Hell to the angels Remiel and Duma, Morpheus fights an enraged Azazel and frees Nada, their duel ending with Azazel trapped in a glass jar in Morpheus' realm:
    Morpheus: This is my home, Azazel; my place of power. This is the Heart of the Dreaming. Reality here conforms to my wishes; it is what I wish it to be — no more, no less.
    Linkara: [as Morpheus] And you will make one hell of a lava lamp.
• Issue 31 is titled "Three Septembers and a January":
  Linkara: Also known as "How Long It'll Take For Me to Get Back on Schedule".
• In issue 32, we are re-introduced to Barbie from "A Doll's House", who we learn likes to paint makeup on half her face in a chessboard pattern:
  Linkara: This is a weird new entry in The Crow franchise.
  • After a traumatic incident involving a creature from her dreams appearing in the real world and getting shot and killed by police, Barbie discovers her dream powers have come back by summoning a flock of birds, one of which is grabbed by one of her neighbors, George... who then swallows it whole:
    Linkara: Dude! [beat] Show some restraint! That could've lasted you, like, three whole meals!
• Linkara wryly muses that despite how massive the Dreaming is, the cast constantly end up knowing each other or being connected to one another somehow.
• Issue 35 sees Barbie return to the land of her dreams (simply called "The Land"), and while traveling with her animal companions, she reads a scroll she collected from a corpse that contains photos of her in face paint; she explains that she didn't want to get something as permanent as a tattoo, and painting her face allows her to "be a different person every day":
  Linkara: And that day, you felt like being a chessboard; go figure.
• In issue 36, the witch Thessaly and lesbian couple Hazel and Foxglove, also Barbie's neighbors in her apartment block, follow Barbie in her dream; Thessaly is tricked by the evil entity du jour, the Cuckoo, into killing the wrong person so she can use her hypnotic voice to control the group:
  Linkara: Bang-up rescue, ladies! We're going to call you the "Dream Team" from now on!
• Issue 38, "The Hunt", concerns a grandfather telling a fairy tale to his disinterested granddaughter while she keeps critiquing aspects of it:
  Linkara: So, you know, me, but a teenage girl.
• In issue 40, an anthology issue, we are told about the mysterious concept of a "parliament of rooks", where said rooks will gather in a field while one of their number caws at the rest of them for hours on end; then, either the remaining rooks all leave, or they descend on the cawing bird and peck it to death:
  Linkara: Either way, a more productive Congressional session than human ones.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Cain: So here we are, all three of us. Just like the old days. And we've even got an audience. Let's tell stories.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, Cain tried to tell the story of Marville, and everyone murdered him for a change.

721: What Dreams May Come, Part 3: The Sandman #41-60

• In issue 41, during her search for the missing seventh member of the Endless, Delirium runs into Desire, telling a woman who hits on them to seduce another woman so thoroughly that she obsesses over her, no matter who gets hurt:
  Linkara: Douche-sire.
• Despair reminisces about the time of the bubonic plague, where she caught up with the seventh member of the Endless, Destruction; he remarks on how things are changing, but she disagrees:
  Despair: Some things are changeless. People love, and die, they dream, destroy, despair, go mad. They fulfill their destinies, live out the course of their lives. We fulfill our function, as they fulfill theirs...
  Linkara: True, but there are also a bunch of periods where they're just bored; where's the Endless when you're just sitting on your couch, lazily eating potato chips and flipping through channels?
• Issue 42 sees Morpheus break off a relationship yet again, letting it rain in the Dreaming while ordering the chief librarian Lucien to erase the suite of rooms made for the woman:
  Morpheus: I would appreciate it if the palace staff would be so kind as to refrain from mentioning her in the future when in my presence.
  Lucien: Very good, Lord.
  Linkara: [as Lucien] No one ever really knew her name anyway, so it won't be hard.
• Delirium remembers when she was once called Delight:
  Captions: The moment she realized what was happening, that the universe was changing, that she was growing older... She was no longer Delight.
  Linkara: [as the captions] You can't delighten things as you get older; sucks, but them's the facts.
• In issue 44, Morpheus flashes back to hundreds of years ago, where met Destruction while on a walk with the Corinthian; after a pickpocket tries and fails to pilfer his ruby, Morpheus threatens him with dreams of him being hanged every night:
  Destruction: You could simply have taken it back from him. You did not need to do that.
  Linkara: Morpheus, Prince of Pants-Crapping.
  • While Morpheus and Destruction discuss the ever-changing state of the world, the Corinthian eats the eyeballs of a caveman being dissected:
    Linkara: Without any seasoning or anything?! Ugh, you are a nightmare!
• Issue 45 begins with Delirium leading the police on a high-speed chase:
  Delirium: Why is that car making that noise, whoo-oop, whoo-ee-oop, and flashing its lights at us?
  Morpheus: I have no idea. Perhaps the driver wishes to talk with you.
  Linkara: Prince of Stories, except for any that feature the police, I guess. [shrugs]
• In issue 47, Destruction tries his hand at cooking as a form of art, with his talking dog companion, Barnabas, doubtful of his chances:
  Linkara: I really hope this isn't the only thing he's been doing for 300 years; artistic skill does take time to develop, and I would've thought he'd have made some progress in that time. [beat] Oh God, Destruction's going to get into A.I. art, isn't he?!
• Morpheus and Delirium decide to visit Destiny for information on Destruction's whereabouts; we are told through narration that Destiny's realm is entered through a maze, and that all labyrinths are one and the same, and one need only reach the center:
  Linkara: Unfortunately, along the way, you tend to run into minotaurs and the frozen body of Jack Torrance.
• In issue 48, Morpheus and Delirium finally find Destruction, who reveals that he had abandoned his post; Morpheus admits that initially he wanted to keep Delirium company, but after their chauffeur Ruby was killed because of their search, he endeavored to make sure she didn't die for nothing:
  Destruction: 300 years ago you would have told me that she was simply mortal, and would have died later, had she not died then.
  Morpheus: I doubt I have changed that much.
  Destruction: I suppose I had vaguely hoped that you had changed, my brother. That you'd noticed that there were other people in the world. That you had begun to see people as other than things that dream, as creatures of stories.
  Linkara: [as Destruction] Or at least that you had finally figured out what the police are.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] There's that word again; what does it mean? I-Is it those things with the flashing lights on top of it, or is it what those women in the strip club were doing?
  • Destruction admits that the deaths Morpheus and Delirium encountered on their journey were the result of automatic safeguards he put up in case someone wanted to find him:
    Morpheus: But the people who were hurt...? Some of them had been your friends...
    Linkara: Douche-struction.
• Destruction recounts how he spoke with Death about feeling tiny and insignificant after looking at the stars; she tells him that everyone is capable of knowing everything, and people pretend they can't to make life more bearable:
  Linkara: It's a fair point; if I knew everything, that would mean I knew everything about Marville, and there are some things that Man is... not prepared to know.
• Destruction tells the two he is leaving for good, and asks Barnabas to accompany Delirium from now on:
  Linkara: Just as well; he kept being kind of a dick about his artwork. Constructive criticism is one thing, but you probably should find a dog that's a bit more supportive of your efforts, man.
• After Destruction floats off to parts unknown, Morpheus has one task left to accomplish — killing his son:
  Linkara: Geez, Morpheus, did you learn nothing from this trip?! It's all work with you!
• In issue 49, Morpheus talks with the disembodied head of his son Orpheus:
  Morpheus: You asked for a boon, Orpheus. I can grant it.
  Linkara: [as Orpheus] My nose has been itchy for 500 years, Father! Please help me!
  Linkara: No, the boon is for him to finally die. I would have asked for a new body, but sure; just have your dad kill you. That works, too.
• Despair pops by to talk with Morpheus and Delirium about how Destruction was doing, happy that he spoke fondly of her:
  Delirium: He wasn't wearing his beard anymore either.
  Despair: I... liked the beard.
  Linkara: Listen, he probably originally thought it was part of his responsibilities to, and was just happy he didn't have to deal with the itchy thing anymore; is nothing ever good enough for you people?!
• After acting uncharacteristically nice to everyone at his palace, Morpheus retires to his room to grieve:
  Linkara: Dude, I totally relate. Order up some ice cream, queue up some episodes of Bluey; you need the day to yourself now.
• The 50th issue features a bonus gallery of artwork from various creators, including one featuring a shirtless Morpheus and Bast:
  Linkara: Damn, must be a cold night in the desert there, with them Dream nipples. I'll take "Phrases I Never Thought I'd Say When I Started Doing This Job 15 Years Ago" for $200.
• In issue 51, we are told the tale of a lowly office worker who comes across Morpheus on a train:
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] Goddammit, Farrell; I know it cost you a fortune to get that old car back, but I feel like forcing me to take a train on my next trip is just petty.
  • The worker takes a strange trip through "the city's dream", eventually moving out to the country in fear of what happens if the city wakes up:
    Linkara: Eh, if it's anything like me, groggily stroll over to my computer at three in the afternoon and see what's up on Twitter.
• Issue 54 features a reinvention of the comic book Prez (1973) where, after he dies and is saved from a life of servitude by Morpheus, Prez goes forth to save other Americas in other realities:
  Linkara: Unfortunately, his first stop is to the Earth from THE MONUMENT MYTHOS, and he quickly decides that maybe some Americas are too far gone, and decides to retire again.
• Issue 57 begins with the Fates discussing how the end is nigh and how people always complain about the sorts of stories they want and don't out of things:
  Crone: It's never what they want, and if we give them what they think they want they like it less than ever.
  Linkara: It's a fair point, but sometimes, the problem is the storyteller not actually delivering what the audience wants; just what they think they want. [beat] Although, other times, yeah, there's no pleasing some people... or you take an insanely long time to finish what you wanted to tell, because it feels like the universe is conspiring against you, TRYING TO TELL A STORYLINE IN YOUR COMIC REVIEW SHOW, AND--
• Meanwhile, Morpheus is recreating the Corinthian:
  Morpheus: Imagine that you woke in the night and rose, and seemed to see before you another person whom slowly you perceived to be yourself. Someone had entered in the night and placed a mirror in your sleeping place, made from a black metal. You had been frightened only of your reflection. But then the reflection slowly raised one hand, while your own hand stayed still...
  Linkara: Oh yeah, that's creepy and all, but, uh... my eyes are not made of teeth, so I know it's not me.
  Morpheus: A dark mirror... That was always the intention... But the gulf between conception and execution is wide, and many things can happen on the way.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] For instance, I was going to put a nose where his mouth would be. [beat] That didn't make it past the design phase.
• Lyta Hall goes to meet with a man offering her a job, whose description isn't all that clear:
  Man: Marketing. Interactive media. Production. Management. The whole shebang.
  Linkara: Lyta, this is starting to sound like you're going to be shilling NFTs; leave now!
• In issue 59, Loki and Puck are revealed to be the ones who abducted Daniel Hall, and stuff him inside a fireplace:
  Linkara: Uh... guys, that is not how you make baby back ribs!
• After Morpheus converses with Hob following the death of his girlfriend, Hob says he smells the stink of death around Morpheus, so he should take care of himself:
  Morpheus: Thank you, Hob. I shall.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] A stronger deodorant, I must invent.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Morpheus: It is nearly completed. What do you think?
  Matthew: It looks... like the last one did.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] Yeah, I tried some variations on the design — teeth nipples, teeth fingers — but... honestly, I got it right the first time, and we're going with it.

722: What Dreams May Come, Part 4: The Sandman #61-75

• In issue 61, the Gorgons Euryale and Stheno attempt to turn Lyta Hall into Medusa, but she rejects them, saying her revenge is more important:
  Linkara: Also because her hair is being transformed into snakes, and she really doesn't need any pets right now.
• Rose visits Zelda in hospice care, where she is given a message from Kincaid that if she returns to England and to the place where she used to sleep, she'll "give her back her heart":
  Linkara: She says that, but you know it's just a ploy to get her granddaughter to come back to her because she never visits.
• Loki catches up to Carla and burns her alive, saying he refuses to be beholden to anyone, including Morpheus:
  Linkara: Loki of Asgard, burdened with glorious douchebaggery.
• In issue 63, Odin goes to Morpheus' palace and asks for an audience with him:
  Guard: And who are you, then, to demand entry?
  Odin: I do not demand entry. I do not enter the houses of my enemies. I demand only that your master come out and talk.
  Linkara: I became a vampire. [beat] Weird, I know, but weirder things have happened in Norse mythology.
  Odin: As for who I am? I am called Grim, the Death-Blinder, the High One, the Gallows-God. I am called Gondlir the Wand-Bearer, and I am Grimnir the Hooded One, the Terrible, the Wakeful.
  Tim the Enchanter: There are some who call me... Tim.
  • Morpheus does come out to talk, and Odin tells him about his concerns with Loki, following up by asking him a particular question:
    Odin: Are you a spider, who's spun a web of cunning and deceit and now waits patiently for his prey to come to him; or are you a deer, frozen by the light of a hunter's flame, as disaster comes toward you?
    Linkara: [as Odin] Or are you the bored office worker who comes home on Friday night, puts his feet up, and turns on reruns of MasterChef because who wants to use their brain right now?
• Thessaly, now going by "Larissa", takes Lyta back to her place and begins setting up various protection spells:
  Larissa: So... It's wash off the blood and sleep on the floor, or skip the bath and sleep in the tub. Choices... Always choices...
  Linkara: [as Larissa] First choice: Order pizza or order Chinese, because we're going to be in this for the long haul and you could probably use some food.
• In issue 64, Morpheus takes a break from his lordly duties to feed some pigeons at a public park:
  Captions: He walked across the park, and watched an open-air performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream. He was mildly disappointed by the translation.
  Linkara: [as the captions] It was much better in the original Klingon.
  Captions: He was, however, extraordinarily amused by the performance of the actor playing the part of Bottom.
  Linkara: Behold, the face of a man who is extraordinarily amused!
• Delirium stops by to ask for help in locating Barnabas, but Morpheus says he can't as he is too busy with his responsibilities:
  Delirium: You use that word so much. Responsibilities. Don't you ever think about what it means? I mean, what does it mean to you? In your head?
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] Eh, mostly stuff about Spider-Man. I really like Spider-Man, dear sister...
• Morpheus calls Matthew and the Corinthian for a progress report on their search for Daniel; the Corinthian reassures him that they'll find the boy soon:
  Morpheus: I have a certain amount of faith and confidence in both of you. It would disappoint me exceedingly to find that it had been misplaced.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] I mean, after the Kindly Ones have destroyed everything, I won't have any other employees aside from you two, so it'd be really awkward to fire you.
• Issue 65 sees Matthew and the Corinthian storm the castle Daniel is being held in, only to run into... Morpheus:
  "Morpheus": Matthew, you and your friend have done well. I am proud of you both. You have won through all the trials and travails that I created to test your loyalty. You may both now return to the Dreaming to receive your reward.
  Linkara: [as "Morpheus"] Yes, this was totally a test of loyalty... being who has been loyal to me for several years and has done nothing to cause me to doubt that. You can count on me, uh... [glances at a notecard] "Drim of the Endless".
  • The Corinthian doesn't buy this for a second:
    Corinthian: Then uncreate me now, if you have the power. For I shall stand against you. I am young, true. But I have age within me. And you are not my lord.
    Linkara: Man, Morpheus should've made a 2.0 of the Corinthian sooner; his lines are a hell of a lot better than his stupid speech to the serial killers.
• In issue 66, Merv Pumpkinhead organizes some of the inhabitants of the Dreaming to fight the Furies, which predictably goes poorly:
  Mother: You? What are you?
  Merv: Me? Lady, I'm your worst nightmare — a pumpkin with a gun.
  Linkara: This is how Halloween looks to people who don't like the holiday.
• Moving into issue 67, after mentioning that Cain is still immune to the Furies due to being under the protection of God, Linkara comes up with a brilliant plan:
  Linkara: Okay, what we've got to do is duct-tape Cain to Morpheus, and he'll be okay.
• Matthew and the Corinthian bring Daniel back to Morpheus' palace, intending to take refuge there as long as Morpheus' protections are still active:
  Servant: There were to be apartments built for you, in the castle, Corinthian. But they were never constructed. And now there is no one left to construct them.
  Linkara: [as the servant] I know this makes your job less and less appealing, but I promise you, you'll still be getting free dental, which, you know, you should really appreciate.
• Morpheus goes to make final preparations for his confrontation with the Furies:
  Morpheus: [narrating] Rules and responsibilities: these are the ties that bind us. We do what we do, because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves. I will do what I have to do. And I will do what I must.
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] And what I must do is... Run away! Sucks to be you, Lucien! [runs]
• In issue 68, Morpheus explains that the emerald he had while talking to Daniel is a Dreamstone, one of twelve gems he created a long time ago, along with the ruby he had at the start of the series:
  Morpheus: There were others — a Rose-Quartz I gave to poor Alianore...
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] And she went off and did her own thing, founded a rebellion; i-it's complicated. Just watch Steven Universe, Matthew.
• During her search for Barnabas, Delirium winds up in Lucifer's piano bar:
  Linkara: Where the Devil has been contemplating returning to Hell because all night, people have been requesting "Piano Man" over and over.
• Death arrives at Morpheus' castle, where the Corinthian warns her he will protect Daniel from her touch at any cost:
  Linkara: Ugh, Morpheus, this model of the Corinthian sucks, too; he's supposed to be a dark mirror of humanity, but he's self-sacrificing. Take him back to the shop!
• As the Furies arrive, Morpheus sends Matthew to safeguard his pouch of sand and helmet and to retrieve his sister, while he takes off his cape, gloves, and shirt:
  Linkara: [as Morpheus] Well, Furies, can you really kill a body this good?
• Issue 69 sees everything change forever as Morpheus dies and Daniel becomes the new Dream; the Furies reflect on what they've done:
  Maiden: What did we make? What was it, in the end?
  Mother: What it always is. A handful of yarn; a little weaving and stitching; some embroidering perhaps. A few loose ends, but that's only to be expected... It's the same old story... Whatever it turns into on the way, whatever it is you originally undertake to spin or knit or weave, keep it going long enough and, in the end, my lilies, it's always a winding sheet...
  Linkara: Okay, but I was kind of hoping you were making a sweater...
• Issue 70 sees various characters fall asleep as the other Endless prepare for Morpheus' funeral, including Nuala, Rose, Lyta, Alex Burgess, Hob, and Richard Madoc:
  Linkara: Oh boy, it's going to be awkward having Lyta there. "Hey guys, I'm the one responsible for his death! Uh, no hard feelings, though, right? Heh... Say, where are the hors d'oeuvres?"
• In issue 71, Calliope offers her testimonial about Morpheus:
  Calliope: When we made love it was like a flame...
  Linkara: [as Calliope] Incredibly painful, but useful for boiling water.
• Rose runs into Lyta at the wake:
  Rose: You know, I'm pregnant. Not hardly very pregnant at all, but I am.
  Lyta: Really?
  Rose: Uh-huh.
  Lyta: Kill it, Rose Walker. Kill it now. Kill it before it breaks your heart.
  Linkara: [as Lyta] Or become Medusa; in retrospect, I really should've taken that job offer...
• Matthew asks Lucien why Morpheus let himself die:
  Lucien: Charitably... I think... Sometimes, perhaps, one must change or die. And, in the end, there were, perhaps, limits to how much he could let himself change.
  Linkara: [as Lucien] He knew something was wrong when he started filling his wardrobe with retro tees depicting old Disney movies.
• In case you forgot this series takes place in the DC Universe, Clark Kent, Batman, and Martian Manhunter are also at the wake, discussing their dreams:
  Clark: The one I hate is where I'm just an actor on a strange television version of my life. Have you ever had that dream?
  Batman: Doesn't everyone?
  Linkara: [as Batman] Although, there is also that dream I had where my parents were killed by Xenomorphs; you ever have that one?
  Martian Manhunter: I don't.
  Linkara: Eh, give it a few years, J'onn, and then you'll dream you're David Ogden Stiers.
• In issue 72, Rose and her brother are seated between two rulers, Emperor Norton... and Darkseid:
  Linkara: [as Darkseid] Darkseid... does not approve of these pews; not as comfortable as they should be.
• Wesley Dodds gives his eulogy:
  Dodds: I only met the dead gentleman once.
  Linkara: [as Dodds] I heard he refused to rescue me from a fake Ragnarök; thanks, jerk.
  Dodds: We, uh, didn't talk.
  Linkara: [as Dodds] He sued me for copyright infringement.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Crone: We are the Kindly Ones. We are the Eumenides.
  Merv: Yeah? Well, Eumenides this!
  Linkara: No, no, no, Merv, like this: "Eumeni-deez nuts!" [beat] Got 'em! [beat] They'd probably murder me harder.

723: Animax #2

• Linkara gives an update on where things stand on his videos:
  Linkara: We just finished up a massive retrospective; it took a lot to write and edit it. A story about stories; dreams; imaginative fantasy scenarios; engaging, deep characters; and heavy adult themes. [beat] So today, let's talk some more about a failed toyline and its equally failed tie-in comic!
• As Linkara gives a description of the issue's cover, the events depicted make one thing clear:
  Cover: It's— WAR!
  Linkara: If only they'd given the sanctions more time!
• The comic proper begins with Max Action getting dropped off at the edge of the Living Jungle by Tiger-Trakker:
  Captions: It is the time of Earth's future—
  Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme Song: Next Sunday A.D.
  Captions: —a time when the human race lives on the LiteSide...
  Linkara: [as the captions] The low-calorie side.
  Captions: ...when evil lives on the NiteSide...
  Linkara: Yeah, but the rent's better there.
  Captions: ...and when Man's only defenders were half machine half animal!
  Linkara: [as the captions] And lacking commas, so "half machine half animal" is all one phrase.
  Captions: It is the time... of the Animax!
  Linkara: [as the captions] Exactly 6:37 PM Eastern Standard Time.
• Deep in the jungle, Jungle Max finds the Dragway of Doom, a cybernetic-looking road that floats off the ground:
  Captions: The road that every Animax must one day travel waits for its riders with infinite patience.
  Linkara: Christianity? Islam? Hinduism? [scoffs] Nope! They all got it wrong; turns out the ultimate answer is a road for cyborg animal cars.
  Captions: Like a siren the road calls... ...and caught in that enchanted spell, the rider glides effortlessly out of the waking world and into a dream.
  Linkara: Dream of the Endless quickly turns around and proclaims, "Nope; this is too goofy, even for me."
• Back in Peoplopolis, the citizens begin to worry as a thunderstorm brews overhead:
  Child: What is it, Mother? I've never seen anything like it! What's happened to Weather Control?
  Mother: It's a terrible thunderstorm, darling, and it can only mean one thing!
  Linkara: [as the mother] Hail damage! I'd better call my insurance!
• Max reaches the Dragway of Doom thanks to the newly-introduced Ani-Minis, who are obviously frightened by it; he gives them words of encouragement, but some doubt still lingers in his mind:
  Max: [thinking] Because even though I feel like I'm the same Max Action as before, I know that I'm brand-new, untried, untested.
  Linkara: [as Max] Technically speaking, I have never eaten, peed, or pooped in my entire life.
  Max: [thinking] I have the thoughts and skills of Max Action but do I have his soul?
  Linkara: Given the state of the world and the fact that you're currently using those animals as rollerblades, I think we need to question if anything has a soul in this world!
• Outside Peoplopolis, the leader of the Motor Mutants, X-Tinctor, calls out to the RoadTrainers and their Animax, saying they should switch sides if they want to be on the winning team:
  X-Tinctor: I'm only making this offer once!
  Linkara: [as X-Tinctor] Full bennies package and 3% raise every six months!
  Rhinox: Great, then we'll be spared the trouble of hearing it again! Why don't you go play in traffic, X-Tinctor?
  Super Kami Guru: We don't even have those!
• Upon reaching the Animax Graveyard, Linkara is rather taken aback by the rather morbid depiction of the numerous skeletons of dead Animax cars at the bottom of a chasm.
  King Arthur: Jesus Christ!
• Max catches up to Jungle Max and puts on his Animental Lion Helmet, stopping Jungle Max before he falls into the Animax Graveyard:
  Max: Uh, listen, old boy, do me a favor and let's never do this again, okay? You know, there were times when I thought you were the handsomest Animax in the pack, but you never looked better to me than you do right now!
  Linkara: Well, it ain't a traditional marriage, but somehow, they make it work.
• X-Tinctor manages to break through the walls of Peoplopolis, already declaring victory:
  X-Tinctor: Blind fools! My Motor Mutants and I have already won! Follow me, you fighting scum, to victory or death!
  Linkara: You know, you're trying to be a motivational boss, but you just referred to your employees as "scum"; I don't think that's good for workplace morale.
  • Fortunately for the city, Max arrives to save the day and drives the Motor Mutants out:
    RoadTrainer: Max? I can't believe it. I thought... We all thought... You were dying! You were dead!
    Linkara: [as the RoadTrainer] And honestly, I-I was kind of hoping you would stay dead; I already started moving my stuff into your bigger apartment.
    Linkara: He explains how the museum caretaker saved him.
    Max: Besides, if I were gone, Jungle Max here wouldn't have anybody else to play with. I just had to come back.
    Linkara: [as Max] The rest of you can go to Hell, though; I only care about my car.
    • Heater Delight, the daughter of the caretaker who cloned Max, arrives and shows her gratitude to Max by kissing him on the cheek:
      Rhinox: You smell something burning, Tiger?
      Tiger-Trakker: I think it's Max's complexion.
      Linkara: ...Actually, he's literally cooking and is about to melt; the cloning process isn't really perfect.
• Max and the other RoadTrainers head out in search of fuel for Jungle Max, as he thinks to himself about how he can't let his self-doubt over being a clone damage the team's faith or morale:
  Max: [thinking] I have to be Max Action. Max is dead; long live Max!
  Linkara: And again, connecting this to The Sandman, another aspect of Max Action has come about... just with the same fashion sense.
• Elsewhere, X-Tinctor grumbles about his defeat, but claims he already has a plan in motion:
  X-Tinctor: Because I've already conceived a plan so ingenious, so dastardly, that only the twisted mind of X-Tinctor could have given birth to such a heinous thought!
  Linkara: [as X-Tinctor] Bake sale!
  X-Tinctor: The time has come for Retread to walk the LiteSide!
  Linkara: Oh, my God...! Crossover with US-1 incoming!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Max: That's it, we've reached the Animax Graveyard!! Gun it, guys!
  Linkara: [as Max] I'm gonna beat a world record jumping that thing!

724: The Dome: Ground Zero #1

• Linkara starts the episode by introducing DC's short-lived Helix comics imprint, which focused mainly on science fiction and science fantasy stories, including cyberpunk dystopias, a group of time travelers who seek to create paradoxes, and a take on Romeo and Juliet about a genetically augmented woman falling in love with a sentient asteroid:
  Linkara: Weirder or more relatable than Animax from last time? You make the call!
• The story begins in the far-off future of 1999:
  Linkara: Just a tip, but maybe your story, which will depict a few bits of futuristic technology and culture, should not be set a single year after it's published? Remember in 1999 when we were all smooth and naked big-headed dolls walking around aimlessly?
  Man: It is time. The millennium is hard upon us. The prophecies are fulfilled.
  Linkara: [as the man] Prepare your Beanie Babies for the Great Ascension!
  Man: Pestilence, famine and plague stalk the planet...
  Linkara: [as the man] And they haven't even posted their tour schedule yet!
  • The U.S. military has developed a new type of bomb, the "quantum bomb", and the man talking at the beginning of the issue, televangelist Elias Walsh, speaks out against it:
    Walsh: And I say that the First Church of Christ Ecologist will not allow this perversion of science to pass unchallenged!
    Linkara: [as Walsh] We believe that Jesus was no carpenter; yea, he was a botanist!
    • To that end, he sends some "Earthangels", a group of followers that can fly with hang gliders, to harass a submarine carrying the bomb to a remote testing site:
      Walsh: Our Earthangels will be on hand, once again willing to martyr their bodies to shame the wicked... secure in the knowledge that their souls shall soon be redeemed.
      Linkara: Oh yeah, historically, if there was anyone able to shame the military... it's people in hang gliders; it's the purest symbol of American humility and goodness.
• The quantum bomb proves to be more powerful than expected, with its shockwaves causing devastating tidal waves and tremors in Japan:
  News Anchor: A spokesman for the First Church of Christ Ecologist predicted the shifting of the San Andreas Fault and forecast a catastrophe of biblical proportions in Southern California.
  Linkara: It never rains in Southern California, but it does lead to dogs and cats living together.
• After a massive dome appears in the blast site, we are introduced to one of the protagonists, Adam Berg, a geologist who conducted a survey of the bomb testing site before detonation:
  Adm. Krauss: So, you're the world expert on rocks — what've we done here?
  Linkara: [as Berg] ...Made something that isn't a rock; am I the only scientist you people consulted with?
  • The other protagonist, code and cipher expert Lt. Elizabeth Lopez, detects something on the communications frequency her colleagues are skeptical about:
    Lopez: Why don't you both just shut up and listen?
    Colleague: Hey, take it easy, baby...
    Lopez: I'm not your baby — and I said listen!
    Colleague: [after putting on headphones] AAAAA!
    Linkara: [as the colleague] Is that... Kid Rock?! Why are you making me listen to this?!
• After Lopez interrupts Berg's meeting to report her findings, Berg decides to visit the test site to see what's changed; Lopez volunteers to accompany him:
  Officer: Sir... out there is no place...
  Lopez: For a woman?
  Linkara: [as the officer] Actually, I was going to say "for CGI characters", but... I just realized we're kind of past that point already.
  Linkara: Admiral Krauss says Berg can go.
  Adm. Krauss: I'll keep everyone's finger off the trigger for twenty-four hours.
  Linkara: [as Adm. Krauss] Just make sure you bring back a souvenir for me.
• As Berg and Lopez's squad approach a mysterious landmass in the center of the dome, they are attacked by a flying saucer; Berg tries to save Lopez, but she yells out that she swam for her college:
  Linkara: It's a good thing they established that, since otherwise, women aren't known for being able to swim, especially if they're in the Navy. [angrily taps his head]
  • After the survivors hide in a cave to escape the saucer, Berg pulls out a compass to get some headings, where the needle points towards the center of the landmass:
    Soldier: Okay, let's move out. We got a job to do... and a long march ahead of us!
    Linkara: [as the soldier] And since our character models are incredibly stiff, it is not going to be a fun hike!
• The team comes upon the wreckage of the special ops team's helicopter, where Lopez finds a manifesto for the First Church of Christ Ecologist:
  Linkara: And lo, did God proclaim to Noah... "Give a hoot, don't pollute!"
• Twelve hours after Berg and Lopez's team is sent out, Admiral Krauss consults with the President about the dome, which is currently expanding at a quarter-mile an hour:
  Adm. Krauss: Twelve hours, Berg.
  Officer: The President might not even be able to wait that long, sir. If the San Andreas fails...
  Adm. Krauss: Hmpf. Or the Martians arrive.
  Linkara: [as Adm. Krauss] Or if the computer rendering us crashes before it finishes the job.
• The remains of Berg and Lopez's squad enter a massive alien structure in the center of the island, where they are met by... Elias Walsh:
  Walsh: Don't you see? This is greater than mere science— Do you not sense the workings of the divine... the fulfillment of destiny?
  Ace Hunter: That's totally inapplicable to anything that's going on in here... and it's dumb.
  • As it turns out, Berg and Walsh attended Caltech together before Walsh founded the Christian Ecologists, with Walsh interpreting their reunion as the will of God:
    Walsh: We have been brought here, by our various paths, to witness His mighty works!
    Linkara: So God invented flying saucers and robots? Man, I'm already a Christian, but I'm kind of getting on board with this version.
    Walsh: His chosen mechanism may be mysterious, but it is His message we should seek to understand!
    Linkara: Boy, is he going to be disappointed when it turns out to be God's recipe for pan-seared chicken.
    • Walsh claims they have been sent for healing and regeneration, but when the soldier remarks on how his men have died because of the island, Walsh has no answer other than "It is only human to doubt.":
      Linkara: And, see, I doubt the divinity here, because what the hell is going on with your body proportions in this panel, dude? Huge hands and a tiny head. Is it compensating for the fact that in the previous panel, your head was this massively beefy thing that took up most of the space? And with apologies to Civvie 11...
      Betelgeuse: Nice fuckin' model! [grabs his crotch] *HONK HONK*
• Walsh leads the group to Major Henderson, alive and healed by the island's mystical plants; after the sergeant briefs Henderson on the mission and how he wants to blow the island up, Henderson agrees:
  Walsh: No! — You mustn't!
  Maj. Henderson: Oh, but we must... Once we're in control here, this will all be ours for the picking.
  Linkara: Ah yes, all this scrap metal and rubble will be yours.
  Walsh: Even granted new life, you still cling to the way of sin and death? Very well, but be certain — I shall do all within my power to stop you and denounce you to the world!
  Linkara: [as Walsh] My ranting about you on cable access will bring about strongly worded letters, Major! STRONGLY WORDED!
  Maj. Henderson: In that case, Walsh, you'll have to go to Heaven a little sooner than you'd planned... Shoot him, Sergeant.
  Jack Burton: Are you crazy? Is that your problem?
  Linkara: Both Berg and the sergeant are like, "Wait, what?"
  Maj. Henderson: I'm giving you a direct order, Sergeant. I'm recording this and if you disob—
  Berg: Recording?
  Linkara: Ah, good; recording proof that you... ordered someone to be murdered in cold blood. [beat] So out of curiosity, did you happen to, uh, hit your head when your helicopter crashed?
• Lopez leads the group into the structure's control center, where Berg theorizes this is a colonization ship, an automated craft sent to terraform planets before the aliens arrive:
  Walsh: Glory be! The hosts of Heaven — just as the scriptures foretold!
  Linkara: And thus did King Solomon dispatch his automated spaceships to suitable worlds, wherein the glory of the Lord could step upon its soil.
  Congregation: All power to the engines!
  • Suddenly, a giant purple alien materializes; Walsh runs up to it to learn of its divinity, but the alien uses telepathy to speak through him:
    Alien: Apologies. Uncounted apologies. Across great space ancestors' machines scattered... to alike worlds for living...
    Linkara: [as the alien] Product defect found long ago. Issuing recall and refund.
• The alien begins a countdown to the ship's self-destruct sequence, and Henderson orders Lopez to disconnect the machinery; as Walsh charges at her to get her to stop, Henderson grabs Lopez's gun and shoots Walsh, leading to him getting zapped by the ship's security system:
  Walsh: It's <kof> God's will, my boy... Don't you see...? I am the chosen one! Abused and mortally wounded by <kof> the wicked... I shall be transported to Heaven... and <kof> healed by the angels of the Lord! And <kof> then, reborn, I shall <kof> descend once more...! Don't you see...? I am the new Messiah!
  Cyberman: Is this the human condition of "madness", Leader?
  Cyber-Leader: It is.
• Berg and Lopez manage to escape the dome before it explodes, leaving them to wonder what happens next:
  Lopez: So, what do we do now? What do we tell the world...?
  Linkara: Well, first, that the new Messiah of the Christian Ecologists is a bit extra-crispy now.
  Berg: Hmm... Good question. The truth, I guess. If they let us — if they'll listen... because even with the alien ship and all its works gone, our Earth has been altered forever... Now, we know something that puts the world's petty squabbles into perspective—
  Dr. Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that Man is a feeling creature...
  Captain Tom Robbins: He tampered in God's domain.
  Ned "Scotty" Scott: Keep looking. Keep watching the skies!
  • The issue ends with the two of them being airlifted on a helicopter as the Sun rises:
    Linkara: Unfortunately, it turns out the Sun is also a terraforming project and they forgot to switch that one off, and it soon explodes.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Walsh: And <kof> then, reborn, I shall <kof> descend once more...! Don't you see...? I am the new Messiah!
  Wayne: Oh, get off the cross; we need the wood.

725: PATREON: Action Comics #1 (The Non-Superman Stories)

• Linkara reminds us that the plot of the first Superman story involved foiling a dastardly scheme to get the United States involved in what would become World War II:
  Linkara: [with the Superman theme playing] Superman! Not interested in stopping Nazis!
• The first non-Superman story involves a cowboy named "Chuck" Dawson:
  Captions: When Charles Dawson, owner of the Circle-D Ranch is killed in a bloody Texas range war, his young son and only heir goes to live with an uncle, a horse raiser in Wyoming.
  Linkara: [as the captions] But he would return after hiring the A-Team.
  Captions: The boy, known as "Chuck", grows to manhood, with the build of an athlete and an almost uncanny skill with the rifle and six-gun.
  Linkara: [as the captions] A pity he was as dumb as a sack of rocks.
  Captions: Chuck, now, begins to think about taking up the fight against the crooked cattlemen who killed his father...
  Linkara: [as the captions] First by suing them in civil court.
• Chuck rides into the town of Red Gulch to reclaim his father's range, running into a troublemaking cowboy named Notch Logan:
  Notch: Hey, you! Git in thar with the rest o' them cow nurses!
  Linkara: Showdown at the farm veterinarian.
  • Chuck refuses, dodging Notch's punch:
    Captions: Escaping the puncher's vicious swing by the fraction of an inch, Chuck leaps over the hitch rack and lands a crushing blow to the bully's bristling chin.
    Chuck: How do you like this?
    Linkara: Oh yeah, I've been streaming Red Dead Redemption II at the time of this episode's release, so I'm used to this happening every five minutes.
    • A defeated Notch rides out of town, vowing revenge on Chuck:
      Sheriff: Look here, I'm the sheriff and I'm not partial to strangers comin' here and stirrin' up trouble!
      Linkara: [as the sheriff] Only locals like Notch are allowed to stir up trouble.
• John Burwell, the owner of the 4-G Ranch, orders his lackeys, Trigger and Butch, to follow Chuck and eliminate him, planning an ambush at a restaurant Chuck is eating at:
  Trigger: I see him. He's still eatin'.
  Linkara: [as Trigger] My God, that's, like, his fifth plate of pork and beans! What were they feeding that kid in Wyoming?!
  • As Chuck leaves, Trigger tries to start a fight with him, but Chuck shoots the gun out of his hand and lays into him:
    Chuck: Now then, take that. And a little jiujitsu.
    Linkara: A cowboy who knows jiujitsu? That old Wild West cliché?
    Chuck: Anyone can fight — with a gun!
    Linkara: It's true. Just ask Wyatt Earp; he'll beat your ass with it. [plays a clip from Tombstone showing Earp stealing someone's gun and whacking them on the head with it]
• The next story features the very first appearance of Zatara, father of the popular Justice League of America character Zatanna:
  Title: Zatara: Master Magician
  Linkara: [as the title] Sells these little enamel pins with his face on them.
  Captions: Champion of law and order, the world's greatest magician and his faithful assistant, Tong, have dedicated their lives to wiping out the forces of outlawry led by the beautiful woman criminal and Zatara's arch-enemy, "the Tigress".
  Linkara: [as the captions] But only the criminals led by her; all the other ones are fine.
  Captions: Now, they are attempting to solve "The Mystery of the Freight Train Robberies".
  Linkara: We see Zatara and Tong talking about the robberies.
  Zatara: This is serious, Tong.
  Linkara: [as Zatara] So, could you please put on a shirt?!
  • Zatara briefs Tong on the particulars of the case:
    Zatara: In the last few weeks two railroad detectives have been killed, a brakeman murdered, and $200,000.00 taken in loot!
    Linkara: [as Zatara] And yet, they're still stopping the railroad union from striking!
    • Zatara consults his crystal ball:
      Zatara: The crystal has never been wrong — I can plainly see that another attempt will be made to rob the train.
      Linkara: [as Zatara] Hmm, this link I got from a friend on Discord says I should input my Social Security number. [beat] Well, the crystal's never been wrong before, so...
• Zatara and Tong board the train with their detective friend Brady, who brings along another detective as backup; said detective winds up getting shot by one of the robbers, with Tong managing to save him from falling off:
  Captions: The detective is merely stunned and Zatara gestures with his hands, producing a first-aid kit!
  Linkara: And Zatara proves himself to be a better sorcerer than Doctor Strange, because HE CAN ACTUALLY USE BOTH MAGIC AND MEDICINE TO HEAL A BULLET WOUND! Then again, bullets from the 30's apparently "merely stun" you, so maybe it was less of a big deal.
• Brady is revealed to be working with the robbers the entire time, his betrayal being rewarded with him getting thrown from the train; after Tong gets the engineer to stop the train, allowing the state police to come in, Zatara tells one of them, Captain Kennedy, how shocked he is at Brady being involved with the criminals:
  Zatara: But, Captain Kennedy, I'm sure Brady wasn't connected with this mob.
  Linkara: [as Zatara] He's connected to a completely different mob! Why would he be double-dipping like that?
  • Zatara and Tong's investigation reveals a symbol drawn on one of the train cars:
    Zatara: Look — a chalk mark! And this is the car from which Brady was thrown to his death.
    Linkara: Wait, isn't that the Operator Symbol? [beat] Holy crap, did Slender Man kill Brady?!
• Babcock, the train inspector, tells Zatara he wouldn't be surprised if he was in on the robbery like Brady:
  Zatara: Babcock is the man who holds the solution to this mystery!
  Linkara: [as Zatara] I know that because I'm magic; I don't have to explain it.
• Zatara sets up a trap for the Tigress and her gang, spreading valuables all over the train:
  Tong: Master, I saw many evil looking men go into a shack back there!
  Linkara: [as Zatara] Ah, the NFT salesmen have arrived.
  • The Tigress sees Zatara using his magic to hypnotize the robbers, pistol-whipping him on the back of the head:
    Linkara: As with Chuck Dawson, utilizing the Tombstone technique. [plays another clip showing Virgil Earp knocking out another cowboy the exact same way]
    • Zatara frees himself from the Tigress' attempt to burn him alive and rescues Tong; after spotting Babcock emerging from a building and commenting how they're finally rid of Zatara, Tong restrains him, allowing Zatara to hypnotize Babcock and confiscate his pistol:
      Zatara: Guess I can use this myself!
      Linkara: [as Zatara] The real magic is guns! [holds up a prop pistol]
• Zatara makes his way back to the train he was going to use to trap the Tigress, spotting another symbol on the roof:
  Zatara: Here's a mark! My trick is working well so far.
  Linkara: [as Zatara] Wait... No, that's the Everyman HYBRID symbol. I got on the wrong train!
  • After some robbers empty the cars marked with the symbol of their wares, they spot Zatana and get into a shootout with him:
    Zatara: Your aim is very poor, my friend!
    Linkara: [as Zatara] Zatanna, my daughter... someday, you will encounter many hellish, supernatural creatures in this world. [beat] Make sure you're always packing heat! [holds up the prop pistol again]
• In the end, the Tigress escapes, but the robbers are arrested, the cargo is recovered, and Brady is proven innocent; all Zatara and Tong can do now is keep watch for whenever the Tigress pops up next:
  Tong: This humble person seeks a bit of sleep before the next "Tigress" hunt!
  Linkara: [as Tong] I mean, my eyes were so tired, I couldn't tell if she had anything remotely tiger-related about her appearance.
• Next up is a comedy story featuring "Sticky-Mitt Stimson":
  Linkara: You know, they make a cream for that now.
• The next big story is the first part of "The Adventures of Marco Polo", where a 17-year-old Marco travels from Venice to the Orient with his father Niccolò and uncle Maffeo, their first stop taking them to Armenia:
  King's Emissary: Our king has just received word from the newly elected Pope requesting your immediate appearance at his residence at Acre.
  Linkara: [as the emissary] He kept calling out for you, just yelling "Marco!" without any response.
  • After getting caught in a sea battle between the Armenians and the Babylonians, the Polos travel through the Dasht-e Lut desert:
    Linkara: Where Marco becomes lost in a soft place and gives some water to Dream of the Endless, which, despite not being great, in my opinion, was still more interesting than this story.
• Going back to more action-oriented fare, we are introduced to "Pep" Morgan:
  Captions: Pep Morgan, versatile young athlete is fighting Sailor Sorenson for the coveted light heavyweight championship.
  Linkara: Man, I know they added a bunch of new Senshi for Season 5 of Sailor Moon, but "Sailor Sorenson" just seems like a silly name.
  Captions: Pop Burkett, Pep's trainer and pal is in the fighter's corner...
  Linkara: No punctuation to separate the sentences.
  Captions: Sailor is managed by the unscrupulous Doc Lowry.
  Linkara: And yet somehow, I don't expect either of these people to tell their fighters to "eat lightning and crap thunder".
  • Pep gets blinded during the fight, but still knocks Sailor out to become the new champion:
    Pep: What was it that blinded me for a while, Pop?
    Pop: Was only liniment, Pep. Doc Lowry rubbed some on Sailor's gloves!
    Linkara: Which is why they ban Icy Hot in professional boxing.
    Man: Yeah, Doc Lowry. He's no good. Dey won't let him practice medicine on account of he's so crooked!
    Linkara: [as the man] Although, it might also be because he recommended to a cancer patient to just "punch the tumor".
• Up next, "Scoop Scanlon, Five Star Reporter":
  Linkara: You would think with that name, he was always destined to be a journalist, but actually, his parents intended for him to drive construction excavators.
  Captions: Scoop Scanlon, ace reporter of the Bulletin, rouses his sleepy-eyed pal and photographer, Rusty James, and plans to go into action—
  Linkara: "Action" being the name of the bar down the street.
• While waiting to report on the extradition of a notorious jewel thief, Scoop and Rusty get caught in a shootout with some mobsters; the thief makes a break for it in the confusion, and our heroes give chase:
  Captions: Scoop grabs up a deserted tommy gun and leaps into a cop-pal's car.
  Scoop: Step on it. They're getting away!
  Linkara: [as Scoop] Call the papers and tell them I've got a better headline: "Reporter Mows Down Jewel Thief Gang"!
  • Scoop disables the thief's car, forcing the criminal and his fellow mobsters to surrender:
    Scoop: Keep 'em up, you two, or I'll make this little "typewriter" talk!
    Linkara: Is that why Scoop leapt into action with that thing? He thinks that's a typewriter?!
    CollegeHumor Batman: This is a gun?
    • The story ends with Rusty asking for his share of the credit, since he punctured holes in the car's gas tank to make it slow down:
      Scoop: Rusty, you're the hero of the day!
      Linkara: [as Scoop] Here, this tommy gun is for you!
• We arrive at last at the final story, "Tex Thomson":
  Captions: Having struck it rich in the oil fields of Texas, Tex Thomson has left his native country to tour the world.
  Linkara: [as the captions] Antarctica proved to be a poor first choice for his world tour.
  Captions: As our story opens we find Tex in a small town in England. The inactivity is beginning to bore him...
  Linkara: [as Tex] God, it's so boring here in England in 1938! And I bet it's gonna stay that way for the next few years!
• After finding a dead body on the side of the road while accompanying a young boy named Robert, Tex sends Robert out to get help; Tex is then accused by a passing woman of murdering the man, with the local sheriff being forced to follow procedure:
  Sheriff: I'm sorry, son, but I'll have to hold you on suspicion of murder!
  Captions: Realizing that unless Bob returned, the circumstancial evidence would be against him — fearing that something might have happened to the youngster, Tex decides to go looking for the boy himself!
  Linkara: ...And he punches the sheriff. I'd say this is an incredibly stupid thing to do... buuut he is a rich white guy, so he'll probably get away with this.
  Woman: You — You — Murderer! You've probably killed this man too!
  Linkara: [as Tex] Yeah, this is starting to stack up. Welp, you're next, lady!
  Tex: Don't worry, Miss! He'll be all right in a little while.
  Linkara: [as Tex] I used the Texan nerve pinch on him, AKA hitting him.
• Tex tails the woman to a remote shack, eavesdropping on the people inside to learn that they were the ones who killed the man and planned to accuse the first person who discovered the body of the crime; also, the criminals found Robert and kidnapped him, with the woman, Sonja, ordering the goons to kill him:
  Tex: So that's why Bobby didn't come back. Well, I'll have to get him out of this mess.
  Linkara: [as Tex] I know! I'll be like Johnny West and hand over a pair of cowboy boots to him! That'll get him out of this scrape! [beat; normally] Do any of you even remember Johnny West? I've been doing this for 15 years, and I understand if the footwear-based characters from Comic Book Quickies fall by the wayside.
  • Tex gets captured by the gang as Robert escapes, running into his friend Betty and asking her to bring the sheriff to the shack; after he frees Tex, Robert distracts the gang:
    Sonja: Look out! The American is loose!
    Tex: You said it, sister. I'm loose — and I'm mad!
    Linkara: [as Tex] The laxatives kicked in at a most inopportune time!
    Captions: Mad as an aroused bull...
    Archer: Why are we still not doing phrasing?
    Captions: ...Tex sails into the gang — oblivious to the fact that he is outnumbered!
    Linkara: And oblivious to the motion lines cutting his head into a triangle! Geez...
    • Thankfully, the sheriff arrives with reinforcements and escorts the criminals to jail:
      Tex: I'm sorry for that punch I gave you Sheriff.
      Sheriff: I deserved it!
      Linkara: Yes, how dare you... want to bring someone potentially involved in a murder in for questioning, I guess. [shrugs]
• The post-credits stinger:
  Captions: The red flame of gunfire stabs the darkness and Detective Brown slumps forward... [...] The detective is merely stunned...
  Linkara: It's a good thing his handgun was set on "stun". [shrugs]

726: PATREON: The Transformers UK #132-134

• Issue 132, "Kup's Story", begins in deep space several hundred years ago, with Kup regaling an unseen presence with one of his trademark tales:
  Kup: [narrating] Combat fatigue the medics called it.
  Linkara: [as Kup] Then General Patton got really pissed off about it.
  Kup: [narrating] After millions of years in the firing line you begin to lose your fighting edge. Your timing goes, you start making mistakes. End result — you become a liability to your fellow Autobots.
  Linkara: [as Kup] Although, just between you and me, I shot Huffer deliberately, little smartass.
  Kup: [narrating] These war veterans are put out to pasture — given a spacecraft and allowed to drift through their remaining years alone.
  Linkara: The heroic Autobots! ...who take their old and war-weary and shove them in a spaceship and tell them to piss off. Wow.
• Once upon a time, Kup was one of the Autobots' best soldiers, but eventually, he began to get sloppy:
  Kup: [narrating] Battles began to blur into one another — just ceaseless combat, day in day out.
  Linkara: [as Kup] Car Wash of Doom? Indistinguishable from the time we fought the space circus, or when Optimus Prime fought in a video game.
  • To avoid risking the lives of his fellow Autobots, Kup elects to go into self-imposed exile:
    Kup: [narrating] Drifting through space from one dead-end planet to the next. Seeking nothing and finding less.
    Linkara: [as Kup] I was so bored, I ate some old ketchup packets the other day. [beat] Honestly, it wasn't an unpleasant experience.
• Suddenly, Kup comes across two alien ships firing at a smaller one near them, toying with their prey before going in for the kill; bitterly reminded of how the Decepticons operate, Kup wants to intervene, but stops himself:
  Kup: What am I saying?! Once I might've been able to help him, but not now! I'd probably miss and end up shooting him out of the sky myself!
  Linkara: Don't be ridiculous, Kup. [beat] You'll just accidentally shoot yourself, instead!
  • Kup makes his decision and blasts the alien ships:
    Kup: [narrating] And for a moment it seemed as though I'd never really been away! But only for a moment!
    Linkara: [as Kup] Turns out there was a fuel leak inside the ship, and I was hallucinating all this.
• After Kup suffers from a bout of PTSD, the pilot of the other spaceship thanks him for the rescue and asks for permission to come aboard his vessel since his own ship is breaking up:
  Kup: [narrating] Company was the last thing I wanted, but what option did I have? Having gone to the trouble of saving him, I could hardly let him perish with his craft.
  Linkara: [as Kup] Plus, we needed to exchange insurance information.
  • The pilot is beamed aboard Kup's ship, and is revealed to be... Hot Rod:
    Hot Rod: Hey — I don't believe it! You're an Autobot, just like me!
    Linkara: Space is really big. There's more room for coincidences that way!
• As Hot Rod hijacks Kup's ship to perform a rescue mission on the planet Tyroxia, Kup is reminded of someone he used to know and respect, namely himself:
  Kup: [narrating] At one time I'd have been there — living life on a knife edge, fighting against impossible odds in the name of the Autobots.
  Linkara: [as Kup] You know, trying to do something incredibly stupid!
  • After Hot Rod rescues his comrade Blurr from captivity, he runs into a Tyroxian, who begins to thrash him severely:
    Tyroxian: Hmm, all the fight seems to have gone out of you! I weary of this game.
    Linkara: [as Kup] Autobots, I have developed combat fatigue and must now go into exile; good luck with everything. [leaves]
    • Kup suddenly barges in, shooting the Tyroxian in the back:
      Kup: You thought I was beaten, didn't you? Thought I was just a washed-up old has-been! You told me only a strong-willed person could make it back!
      Linkara: [as the Tyroxian] I... feel like I'm missing some context here, Autobot...
• The next issue, the first part of a two-part story titled "Headhunt", takes place on the planet Scarvix, in the year 2007:
  Linkara: Somewhere, an idiot decides to start writing text reviews of awful comic books, and all the horrors that follow from such a choice.
  • The Decepticon Blot approaches the bounty hunt— er, "freelance peacekeeping agent" Death's Head with an opportunity to assassinate Rodimus Prime, but he isn't interested:
    Blot: We offer you revenge!
    Death's Head: And where's the profit in that, eh? Revenge may be satisfying on one level, but it doesn't pay the rent, right?
    Linkara: And this is why bounty-hunting can be such a rewarding profession: you can potentially get revenge, and be paid for it!
    • Naturally, once money is put on the table, Death's Head is more than happy to take on the job:
      Death's Head: Now you're talking a language Death's Head understands!
      Linkara: [as Death's Head] Esperanto!
      Death's Head: Rodimus Prime is as good as dead, yes?
      Linkara: I mean, you're the freelance peacekeeping agent; shouldn't you know?
• A week later, Rodimus is asked to make a tour of the Autobots' trench fortifications, but he grows annoyed and thinks everything is already as secure as it's going to be:
  Rodimus: [thinking] I should be out there fighting a war that's dragged on for far too long as it is! That's if you can really call it a war anymore! With both sides so evenly matched, the Autobots' conflict with the evil Decepticons has become little more than guerilla warfare... Scattered, messy engagements with the enemy, and no end in sight!
  Linkara: See, this is why you're not as good a leader as Optimus, dude; considering historically, the Autobots have been in a desperate struggle to survive, the war being reduced to a few minor skirmishes means less death and less old Autobots being exiled into space.
  Rodimus: [thinking] At this rate, the war could drag on for another four million years. If this stalemate doesn't end soon, I swear I'll crack up!
  Linkara: Which makes it sound more like you're bored, dude.
  Rodimus: [thinking] I can't help yearning for simpler times! When I was just Hot Rod, war was a game — one to be played and enjoyed...
  Mike Nelson: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
• At the Decepticons' base, Cyclonus and Scourge, former lieutenants of Galvatron, are angry at Shockwave for hiring Death's Head to deal with Rodimus, robbing them of the chance to pay him back for their last encounter:
  Shockwave: You two seem to think that because you were created by the planet-devourer, Unicron, you are in some way superior to your fellow Decepticons. Including me!
  Linkara: Now, if it was Soundwave we were talking about, then it'd be true.
  Soundwave: SOUNDWAVE SUPERIOR.
  • Cyclonus and Scourge proclaim they'll deal with Rodimus by themselves, and they'll rule the Decepticons once the job is done, but Shockwave just laughs them out:
    Linkara: Shockwave may not have a face, but he's got a smile in his heart.
• As Rodimus performs his inspection, he suddenly begins to feel uneasy, a feeling soon proven correct when his escorts are stealthily beheaded by Death's Head:
  Death's Head: I'm disappointed, yes?
  Linkara: Uh, no, you're not! [beat] Got you there!
  Death's Head: Hoped you'd be a more elusive prey. But no. You surround yourself with weak, ineffectual warriors. Despatched in no time, they were! Then, like some amateur, you allow yourself to be panicked. Left wide open for attack, yes?
  Linkara: [as Death's Head] Why aren't you being paranoid at every single moment of your existence, which is certainly a sign of calm and not of panic at all, yes?
  • During their fight, the two fall into a sewage line, where Rodimus manages to slip by Death's Head:
    Death's Head: Lost axe. Pity. Great sentimental value attached.
    Linkara: [as Death's Head] Plus, it'll cost me, like, another 800 bucks to get one on Space eBay; sucks, yes?
    • Death's Head catches back up with Rodimus, equipping a titanium shott blaster in place of his axe:
      Death's Head: No hard feelings, Prime. For what it's worth... ...this is just business, yes?
      Linkara: [as Death's Head] You can tell by the very neutral expression on my face that this isn't personal at all, yes?!
      Captions: A few short hours ago Rodimus Prime could not see an end to the war that is his life... Right at this moment, however, an end... ...is all he can see!
      Linkara: [as the captions] Without Rodimus Prime, a lasting peace accord between the Autobots and Decepticons was finally reached.
• The final issue in the review picks up where the last one left off:
  Captions: Cybertron, Earth date: 2007.
  Linkara: [as the captions] The first live-action Transformers movie is released. Hell comes with it.
  • As it turns out, Death's Head was shot by Scourge to prevent him from killing Rodimus; Cyclonus berates Scourge for not waiting until Rodimus was killed:
    Cyclonus: Listen — You weren't the one Death's Head once blew a big hole in.
    Linkara: He doesn't want to say it out loud, but what he means by that is that Death's Head broke his heart!
• Rodimus manages to escape, but struggles to go on, thinking that since he felt relief when Death's Head prepared to kill him, maybe he should accept the inevitable:
  Rodimus: [thinking] I'm tired, so very tired of this endless war...
  Linkara: Last time, it wasn't the war you were tired by; you were tired by the lack of war going on!
  Rodimus: [thinking] But if I die, what then?
  Linkara: [shrugs] Arise, Grimlock-imus Prime?
  • As Cyclonus and Scourge approach, Rodimus hides in a sewer grate waiting for them to pass:
    Rodimus: Guhh... Not the healthiest of hiding places, but at least I'm still alive!
    Linkara: Ugh, probably not for much longer, given the amount of sewage you took in... He realizes he can't just give up.
    Rodimus: I can't give up — I can't just lay down and die. Not while I carry the Creation Matrix — the Autobots' sacred life force — within me... I am perhaps the only one who can stop the Decepticons — I have to live!
    Linkara: Eh, he says that, but give it five minutes, and somehow, Optimus will be back to life.
• Meanwhile, Death's Head catches back up to Cyclonus and Scourge:
  Death's Head: Sloppy. Should've checked, eh? Made sure. Shield took the blast, yes? Impact just stunned me.
  Linkara: You'd think these two, of all Transformers, who were reformatted from others left for dead, would have learned to double-tap.
• Rodimus comes across a wall with a red "A" written on it:
  Linkara: That wall is an adulterer?!
  • Death's Head is lured into the Autobase, where he finds himself at gunpoint from Rodimus and his fellow Autobots; Rodimus then shrewdly hires him to eliminate Cyclonus and Scourge instead, even paying him 10,000 Shanix up front:
    Linkara: Our hero, everybody! Hires an assassin to kill his enemies!
• The post-credits stinger:
  Rodimus: Did you hear that?
  Autobot: No, Commander. What was it?
  Rodimus: I... No... It was probably nothing. Just my imagination.
  Sixshot: I'm the ninja consultant for the Decepticons!

727: Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Robin

• As the cover illustrates, Robin's "costume" in this universe consists of nothing more than a black tank top, black pants, a utility belt, and a red bandana:
  Linkara: Congratulations, you somehow made the Connor Kent Superboy "T-shirt and jeans" look seem like it had way more effort put into it than yours! At least he still has a symbol! I have more effort in my costume, and I'm some dumbass on the Internet!
  • The alternate cover for this issue shows Robin punching a criminal so hard, his hat remains in place:
    Linkara: Maybe that's supposed to be me after I bad-mouth this outfit; even if the costume sucks, he could probably still kick my ass.
• As a reminder, Batman in this universe was born after Wayne Williams was arrested for a crime he didn't commit, training his mind and body to the peak of human perfection during his sentence and becoming a professional wrestler after being released:
  Linkara: We were robbed of a story opportunity where Batman suplexes Vince McMahon.
  • Speaking of Batman, we open on him and Robin fighting on a rooftop:
    Stan Lee's Narration: A strange way to begin our tale, perhaps.
    Linkara: No, two people fighting is a perfectly normal way of opening a superhero comic; a strange way to begin would be Robin declaring, "I was actually made of cocktail shrimp this whole time!", while dissolving into said shrimp.
• During their fight, Batman tries to tackle Robin using his wings, but Robin swings around him with his cord and pins him to the ground:
  Batman: Look, while I catch my breath, level with me. This is some kinda college initiation, right?
  Robin: You couldn't be more wrong.
  Linkara: [as Robin] It's more like a TikTok challenge.
  • After Batman calls off the fight to deal with a shootout, Robin heads down to street-level and goes on his merry way:
    Robin: [seeing a robin in a tree] There's a robin. Funny how I see 'em almost everywhere I go.
    Linkara: [as Robin] Although, I'm pretty sure that's because Batman gave me a concussion...
    Robin: It was on account'a one of 'em that I got my name. I can still remember — those early days at the orphanage...
    [shows a flashback transition from Wayne's World]
• Robin recalls the time he was abandoned on the steps of an orphanage as a baby:
  Man: Seems to be in perfect health.
  Woman: Why would anyone abandon such a great-looking boy?
  Linkara: [as the woman] I mean, if the baby was ugly, I'd get it.
  • Robin got his name from the time a bird flew in and sat on his crib:
    Robin: Lucky for me it wasn't a vulture.
    Linkara: [as Robin] Although, I do feel bad for my roommate, Titbird.
    • To the astonishment of the caretakers, Robin was able to walk and talk after only two months:
      Robin: Personally, I dunno why it took me so long.
      Linkara: Eh, laziness just strikes sometimes, especially when you're a baby. Also, I think the orphanage lady might want to re-evaluate, because that is an ugly-ass baby in this panel.
• Back in the present, Robin is visited by none other than recurring supervillain Rev. Dominic Darrk:
  Robin: How'd you know I'd be here?
  Rev. Darrk: I know everything.
  Linkara: But does he know why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? This is why his religion is wrong.
  • Robin is tasked with breaking into and stealing from the home of an old couple Darrk says are "evil":
    Robin: [thinking] They don't look so evil to me.
    Linkara: Yeah, but that's because you don't see them hawking Chatbot-GPT to replace TV writers.
• After Robin reflects some more on his childhood, Rev. Darrk appears once again:
  Rev. Darrk: I have a new task for you, Robin.
  Robin: You're not gonna ask me to rob a bank now, are ya?
  Rev. Darrk: No, boy. Reverend Darrk does not ask. I command!
  Linkara: [as Robin] So, like, the bank is evil, right?
  Linkara: [as Rev. Darrk] I mean... yeah, pretty sure it is. I mean, they probably committed fraud or something; I don't know.
  Robin: [thinking] When I look into those burning eyes of his... ...there's no way to refuse what he asks!
  Linkara: I mean, how could you? Clearly, he's infected with Spiromania!
  Bone Button: SPIROMANIA IS RUNNING WILD!
  • At the bank, Robin deals with a suspicious security guard by hitting him with a nerve-pinch, allowing him to take the guard as a hostage:
    Robin: Listen up, all of ya. Nobody move! — 'Less you want me to snap his neck like a chicken. [to a frightened customer] Put yer hands down, dummy. I ain't got a gun.
    Linkara: [as the customer] Sorry, man! It's just, Roddy Piper was in here earlier talking about chewing bubble gum and shooting people, so—so I'm kind of on edge!
    • As it happens, Wayne Williams was also at the bank, and decides later that evening to investigate why Robin attacked him as Batman:
      Wayne: It wasn't Wayne Williams the kid was after. It was Batman. And Batman doesn't like unfinished business.
      Linkara: [as Batman] Alfred, can you finish that soup for me? I think it's gross, but I don't like unfinished business.
• In another flashback, after leaving the orphanage, Robin meets a woman on the street who asks if he works for the Clutch Street Gang, only for said gang to ambush the two of them:
  Gang Member: Who's the creep tryin' to move in on our turf?
  Linkara: [as the gang member] Only we're allowed to talk to random women in the streets!
• In the present, Batman catches up with Robin and injects him with sodium pentothal to get him to reveal how he and Rev. Darrk are connected; Robin flashes back to when he came upon a martial arts school with an abusive instructor:
  Robin: This your school, lady? Why d'ya let that butcher beat up on the kids that way?
  Linkara: [as the lady] Look, kid, I don't see how that instructor could sully the good name of the Cobra Kai.
  • Actually, the woman explains that the man scared all the other instructors away:
    Instructor: You got a big mouth, pretty boy. I think I'll close it for you.
    Linkara: No, no, no, no, no; that's not how you do it. Mr. T has got this down. [snaps]
    Mr. T (The "T" in I.T.): You know, you got a lotta mouth, and I got a lotta fist for your mouth.
    • Once again, just like he did back in 2013 & 2015, Mr. T used his Early-Bird Cameo superpower to appear in the review prior to his own review. How does he do that????
• After Robin finishes his story, he and Batman visit the Church of Eternal Empowerment to spy on Rev. Darrk:
  Batman: Freedom of religion is one thing. But Darrk uses it as a pretext to attain his goal.
  Linkara: [as Batman] When in reality, everyone should be worshiping the Bat-God!
  • The two sneak into the church, where they witness Rev. Darrk delivering a sermon to his cult:
    Rev. Darrk: Let us rejoice, for I have created my ultimate warrior.
    Ultimate Warrior: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You can feel it, dude! You can feel it!
    Rev. Darrk: He shall be the first of an army of warriors... ...each prepared to give their lives in the service of our cause.
    Linkara: [as Rev. Darrk] My army of parkour enthusiasts shall be unstoppable!
    Rev. Darrk: Remember ye thy sacred oath:
    Linkara: [as Rev. Darrk] "We got spirit, yes we do. We got spirit, how 'bout you?"
    Linkara: The oath is actually really kind of lame.
    Rev. Darrk: Power is great. Power is all. We are destined to conquer. All others must fall.
    Linkara: Not exactly the Sith Code, is it? Just kind of boils down to "We like having power and we rule; you suck."
    • As Batman and Robin fight Rev. Darrk's minions, a woman in the church hears the commotion and calls the police, causing Rev. Darrk to escape and forcing the duo to flee:
      SWAT Team Member: This is the female who called us.
      Linkara: "The female"? What, are you a Ferengi or an incel, dude?
• The post-credits stinger:
  Robin: Somethin' about him made me feel clammy... ...like I'd stepped on a nest of worms.
  Linkara: [as Robin] Dammit, now these worms won't taste nearly as good!

728: Mr. T and the T-Force #8

• The cover of this issue may be disappointing, but at least it delivers on one critical aspect — a free Mr. T trading card:
  Linkara: [holding the card up to the heavens as the "Hallelujah Chorus" plays, mouth agape; sotto voce] I've touched the face of God...
• The issue starts where the last one left off, with Lester trying to disprove his connection to a discarded shoe:
  Lester: Yeah, like I got the only pair of sneakers in the 'hood. Man, you so tough on the evidence you shoulda been a pig.
  Linkara: Oh, dude, you're lucky Mr. T won't hurt kids; otherwise, I'm pretty sure you'd be eating that shoe right now. Mr. T decides to open his bedroom door.
  Lester: Hey! Hey, what you doin'? Hey, man, don't...!
  Mr. T: ... An honest son makes his momma proud.
  Linkara: [as Lester] "Mom, I masturbate to pictures of Ernest Borgnine. Not even naked ones, either."
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Okay, point taken; honesty is not always the best policy.
  • Inside the closet, Mr. T finds a collection of stolen electronics:
    Mr. T: The answer is... Joliet, Attica, Levenworth...
    Lester: Huh?
    Mr. T: ANNNHHHTT! Time's up. The question is...
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] "Which of these was used for names in the 1997 movie Cube?"
• Mr. T picks up Lester and drags him out of the building by shoving his face into his armpit:
  Mr. T: Guess you need some fresh air by now, huh?
  Linkara: This is either Hell or something that someone would pay good money for to experience with Mr. T.
  • He drops off Lester in an alleyway and declares that from now on, Lester will be his personal hobby:
    Mr. T: You're gonna wish the cops had busted your sorry case! You think you're on the road to easy money. You're on the road to hard time!
    Linkara: Mr. T, you just dragged a teenager out of his own home and tossed him in an alley while he was only in his underwear; are you sure he's the one who's going to be doing hard time?
    Mr. T: Now, I'd tell you to get out of my sight...
    Linkara: [as Mr. T] ...but then that would remind you that I didn't actually have any reason to drag you out like this, and I didn't really have any plan.
• One day, Lester is shoved into a van, where the boss of his gang ties him up with duct tape; the boss tells his bodyguard to floor it, but unfortunately for them, they're not going anywhere:
  Mr. T: You've got something in there that don't belong to you, sucker... And now you belong to me.
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Gimme back my duct tape, fool!
  • This is accomplished by a city worker hooking the van to a tow cable stretching into the sewer:
    Linkara: Man, Pinhead's hit on some hard times after the Hulu Hellraiser reboot.
    • The gang manages to break free from the hook, but Mr. T catches up to the speeding vehicle as it crashes, only for him to be hit hard when it backs into him:
      Mr. T: Heard a couple ribs pop. I don't like that. Not when they're mine.
      Linkara: [as Mr. T] Ah well, I'll just walk off the popped ribs; should be good in ten minutes.
• At the gang's hideout, the boss holds a gun to Lester's head, telling him he's either in or out, with dire consequences for the wrong answer:
  Boss: Either way, you're gonna feel a hundred percent better.
  Linkara: Ah, I see this guy used to work at Activision.
  • Lester complies, and the boss briefs the gang on their next target — a safe on the top of a tall building:
    Boss: They built the building around this baby.
    Linkara: Load-bearing safes were a weird architectural fad in the 80's.
• On the night of the robbery, Mr. T follows the van's oil trail back to the hideout, and politely knocks on the door:
  Bodyguard: Who's there?
  Linkara: [as Mr. T] Kool-Aid Man, suckah!
  Kool-Aid Man: [over a clip of Mr. T kicking in a door] Oh yeah!
• Lester and his cohorts perform the robbery by attaching a chain to the safe, pulling it out of the wall, moving it along a series of rollers, then pushing it through the walls of the building onto the street below:
  Thief: Man, use the house, you said. That's what I like about you, Lester. Thinkin' all the time.
  Lester: Yeah... thinkin'. Thinkin' to myself... How did it come to this?
  Linkara: [as Lester] This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!
  • As the boss prepares to collect the money from the fallen safe, Mr. T intercepts him and lays the smackdown on him:
    Mr. T: Man, you must be community conscious... ...pickin' up all this paper so it don't blow away before the cops get here.
    Linkara: [as the boss] Well... yeah, I don't want the cops to steal it, Mr. T!

729: PATREON: The Dresden Files: Storm Front, Vol. 2: Maelstrom

• The volume picks up where the last one left off, with Harry Dresden naked in the rain after killing the toad demon:
  Linkara: College fraternity rituals are getting a lot more elaborate.
  • Donald Morgan suddenly appears, accusing Dresden of summoning the demon:
    Dresden: I didn't summon that thing — but I damn well sent it back where it belongs.
    Linkara: [as Dresden] Back to its banjo in the swamp! No Rich and Famous Contract for that thing!
    • Morgan tells Dresden that he has convened the White Council for a hearing in two days, where he will make his case that Dresden should be executed for breaking the rules:
      Morgan: I don't usually enjoy my position as executioner, Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden— —but in your case, I'll be proud to fulfill that role.
      Linkara: [as Morgan] I get paid by how many letters are in your full name; it's a weird system, I know, but it's really nice when it comes to guys like you.
• Dresden's partner, Lt. Karrin Murphy, informs him of another murder — that of Linda Randall, an escort Dresden was supposed to meet the same night as his date with Susan Rodriguez:
  Dresden: [thinking] Linda Randall's apartment looked like the trailer of a rock band that did little besides play concerts, host parties, and fall into a stupor afterward.
  Linkara: [as Dresden] Unfortunately, they tended to do all three things at the same time, which made for an awkward concert experience.
  Dresden: [thinking] The kitchenette looked largely used. My own kitchen looked the same a lot of the time.
  Linkara: [as Dresden] Although, in my case, I blame the 24-hour Taco Bell that opened across the street from my apartment.
  Dresden: [thinking] Here had lived someone else who knew that the only thing waiting at home was a sense of loneliness.
  Linkara: Now, that's being unfair, Harry! What about Bob the skull from last time?
  The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra: Sometimes, I even threaten myself just for the attention.
  • Murphy shows Dresden the business card he had given Linda, and suspects that he's withholding valuable information from her, but Dresden only cares about her safety:
    Dresden: [thinking] It was way too easy to imagine the walls of Murphy's office splattered with her life's blood.
    Linkara: [as Dresden] She had already used it once to decorate her dining room; it was weird.
• After an incident involving some of his hair being taken by one of Gentleman Johnny Marcone's goons, Dresden tracks him down to one of Marcone's nightclubs:
  Dresden: [thinking] I considered all the devious means by which I might tilt the situation in my favor. Clever illusions, convenient faltering of electricity or water, a sudden invasion of vermin. But I didn't have time for subtlety.
  Linkara: [as Dresden] HEY, MARCONE! THEY PUT KETCHUP ON YOUR FILET MIGNOOON!!
  Linkara: Yeah, he just bursts in waving his magic stick and breaking stuff.
  Dresden: Little pig, little pig, let me in.
  Linkara: [confused] But... you're already in...
  • Dresden explains to Marcone that one of his bodyguards is working for a rival of his selling the ThreeEye drug; the guard tries to kill Dresden only to get shot in return:
    Marcone: I wanted him alive. He could have answered some questions first.
    Linkara: [as Marcone] Also, his brains are now all over the carpet! I own this club, you know; I have to pay to get that cleaned!
• Dresden reminisces about his father, a stage magician who spent most of his time traveling to support his family:
  Dresden: [thinking] He died in his sleep one night, with a smile on his face. Maybe he'd been dreaming of Mother when he went.
  Linkara: Eh, you don't want to know what he was really dreaming about; turns out your dad was into some weird stuff, Harry. Now, I'm not going to say that it involves clowns and proctologists... but I can't say they didn't contribute.
  • Dresden returns to Linda's apartment, using magic to gain entry:
    Dresden: [thinking] I could smell Linda's perfume and her blood.
    Linkara: [as Dresden] Both smelled like pineapple, for some reason...
• After connecting Linda's murder to the case of Monica Sells from the very beginning of the story, Dresden pays a visit to Monica's house:
  Dresden: [thinking] The street was a quiet one, and it took me a minute to notice most of the houses on it were unoccupied. I could hear no birdsong, no dogs barking. Overhead, clouds were gathering for another storm. Taken together, it had the feel of someplace blighted, a place where a black wizard had set up shop.
  Linkara: Or a place where really predatory housing companies have set up.
  • After Dresden forces his way in and learns Monica's motive for hiring him, her kids enter the room and ask if everything's okay:
    Dresden: [thinking] The girl looked at me for just a moment. Her eyes were too old and too knowing for a child her age.
    Linkara: [as Dresden] SHE'S A WITCH! FIREBALL!
    • Before Dresden leaves, Monica's daughter remarks that she had seen him before "in the Arcane" and hopes that he's a good guy, because they could really use one right now:
      Linkara: 'Course, kid! Trust him; he's got that awesome coat!
• Dresden checks in with a furious Murphy, who acts on a search warrant for his office; frightful of what she might find, Dresden rushes to the scene to find Murphy barely conscious, poisoned by the scorpion talisman Monica gave him earlier. As Dresden tries to call an ambulance, Murphy handcuffs him to her in her delirium, when suddenly...
  Dresden: [thinking] That's when the scorpion exploded from the shadows beneath my desk.
  Linkara: This is what happens when you don't regularly call an exterminator, Harry; you let the problem grow too big, and it's going to cost you now.
  • Dresden drags Murphy to the elevator to make their escape:
    Dresden: [thinking] What the hell was that thing? It wasn't just an insect — it was too damn fast, too damn smart for that.
    Linkara: Also too eight-legged; scorpions are arachnids, Harry, not insects. [beat] It's important to know that right now.
• Dresden decides to take the fight to Monica's husband Victor at his lakehouse, heading to a bar populated by magic users for help:
  Dresden: [thinking] They were the have-nots of the magical community — dabblers, herbalists, holistic healers, kitchen witches.
  Linkara: [as Dresden] Mystical vending machine re-stockers.
  • After securing a car from the bartender, Dresden runs into none other than Morgan:
    Morgan: Harry Dresden. I finally figured it out. Using storms to kill people is insanely dangerous, but you are just the sort of ambitious fool who would do it.
    Linkara: [as Morgan] You know how much collateral damage there is with using storms?! My God, we'll have to call roofers for the entire neighborhood!
• Dresden arrives at the lakehouse, opening his third eye to detect any traps or barriers:
  Dresden: [thinking] And what they revealed was beyond disturbing.
  Linkara: [as Dresden] Oh, my God, he's been mystically teleporting his poop into the spirit realm for years! WHY?!
  Dresden: [thinking] The house itself was a place of power. Dark emotions — greed, lust, hatred — hung over it as visible things. Skulls were everywhere...
  Nazi Officer: Are we the baddies?
  Dresden: [thinking] ...symbols of the death — quite possibly mine — that lay in the house's future.
  Linkara: Yeah, but since it can be any time in the future, it's actually of a death in, like, 80 years where someone slips on the front walk because they never salted it during winter.
  • Dresden begins to become tempted by the power of the house, but snaps out of it after a ghostly presence points out his silver pentacle, an heirloom of his late mother:
    Dresden: [thinking] I was not a murderer. I was not like Victor Sells. I was a wizard...
    Linkara: [as Dresden] I AM A WIZARD! *punch*
    Linkara: [finds a toy spaceship in his hands] Huh... I'm expecting, like, a... magic wand or something, but... [shrugs] Hey, you guys ever play Descent?
    Dresden: [thinking] ...and wizards control their power. They use it to discover, to protect, to mend.
    Linkara: And apparently kill people who step out of line, given the Council's M.O.
• Dresden enters the lakehouse:
  Dresden: [thinking] Things clung everywhere. All of them were unpleasant, hostile, and shied away from me.
  Linkara: [as Dresden] Oh yeah, this place definitely has black mold.
  • He encounters Victor, who performs a spell to try to kill him, and springs into action:
    Dresden: [thinking] That rabbit was a ceremonial representation of me—
    Tim the Enchanter: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!
    Dresden: [thinking] If he managed to gouge out its heart, the same would happen to me.
    Linkara: [as Dresden] If he fed it some rabbit food, I would also be eating it.
    • Victor summons the toad demon to eliminate Dresden, but since he revealed the demon's name in his presence, Dresden frees it from Victor's control, causing it to chase after both of them; they fall over the second story railing, and after Dresden mentions how Monica ratted on him, the demon catches up to Victor and begins to eat him:
      Linkara: That's not even the worst part of Victor's day; he only had one payment left on this cabin.
• Thankfully for Dresden, Morgan arrives to rescue him, having seen Dresden risk his life to stop the killer:
  Dresden: Doesn't mean you had to save me.
  Morgan: You weren't guilty. Technically, I had a duty to preserve your life.
  Linkara: [as Morgan] It's not as if I even like you, b-b-b-baka.
  • During the hearing, the Council is impressed with Dresden's bravery, lifting the Doom of Damocles from him in return:
    Dresden: [thinking] I don't think Morgan ever forgave me for being a good guy — he had to eat crow in front of his superiors.
    Linkara: Okay, you can't use that expression in a book like this; it's possible he'd have to literally eat crows.
• In the aftermath, Murphy recovers from her injuries while leaving her relationship with Dresden strained, Susan agrees to another date, and Toot-Toot the faerie is rewarded for his services with pizza on a regular basis:
  Dresden: [thinking] Hey, I remember my debts — and you never know when a fairy's help will come in handy.
  Linkara: Unfortunately, the faeries soon grew resentful because that particular Pizza Hut never had pan crust available.
  • The story ends with Dresden vowing that while he is potentially a monster because of the temptation to use his powers for evil, that's just the way things will be:
    Dresden: [thinking] When things get strange, when no one else can help you, give me a call. I'm in the book.
    Linkara: Unfortunately, Harry's phone never worked because magic disrupts technology.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Dresden: [thinking] When things get strange, when no one else can help you, give me a call.
  Linkara: Sorry, dude, but you're, like, third in line behind the Ghostbusters and the A-Team.

730: PATREON: Captain Marvel Vol. 10 #12-16: "The Last Avenger"

• In the opening, Linkara points out how Carol Danvers hasn't had the best track record on his show, between The Avengers #200, Civil War II, and being unsure of how to represent her for Secret Origins Month, which is why the episode's sponsor wanted him to review a storyline that paints her in a more positive light:
  Linkara: So hey, what's the best way to make people like Carol Danvers again than... a story about how she needs to murder the Avengers? We're off to a rough start.
• Issue 12 opens in low-Earth orbit, with 21 hours remaining until... something happens:
  Captain Marvel: [thinking] You never know what waits for you. No matter how much you prepare. In fact, preparing is pointless.
  Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] What fresh hell does Twitter have for you this morning?
  • As Thor is clearing ice from Avengers Mountain in Antarctica, he is suddenly attacked by Captain Marvel, dressed in a sinister red-and-black costume:
    Captain Marvel: [thinking] I have been so many things... ...but I always thought, no matter what... ...in the end, I'm the hero.
    Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] I'm pretty sure Thor was going to half-ass that de-icing job; I have saved the Avengers from a lawsuit!
    Captain Marvel: [thinking] That dream is over now.
    Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] Still better than that one where I showed up at the Avengers meeting naked.
    • Thor summons Mjolnir and hits Captain Marvel in the head, knocking off the suit's helmet to reveal that it is, in fact, Carol Danvers he's fighting:
      Thor: C-Captain Marvel? Carol? What madness is this? What black magic has so bewitched you?
      Linkara: [as Thor] Are you on "the drugs"? Captain America warned me about this!
      Captain Marvel: [thinking] I need you to trust me. I need you to forgive me. I need you all to forgive me.
      Linkara: Ah, just give it a couple of years, Carol; superhero universes have a surprisingly short memory.
• After seemingly managing to kill Thor, Captain Marvel travels to New Arctilan, former home of the Inhumans on the dark side of the Moon, and delivers Thor's head to the villain of the arc, Vox Supreme:
  Vox Supreme: Excellent. Yes, this will do nicely, Captain.
  Linkara: [as Vox Supreme] I have been wanting a new centerpiece for my dinner table; we can even hollow out the skull and fill it with candy!
• It's only by reading the next issue's opening summary that we learn any details about Vox Supreme:
  Summary: But that was before she murdered Thor and presented his decapitated head to Vox Supreme — a mutated Kree who recently wiped out almost the entire Inhuman race. Vox Supreme has given Carol 24 hours to kill the core Avengers.
  Linkara: [as the summary] I'm sure you would've enjoyed seeing that revealed in-story, but that would've gotten in the way of the fight scenes.
• In issue 13, Captain Marvel attacks Tony Stark while he's brushing his teeth, forcing him to summon his Iron Man armor to fend her off; Captain Marvel narrates how Tony had to be her next target because of his connections to everyone:
  Captain Marvel: [thinking] Like with Thor, it has to be fast and furious.
  Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] Dominic Toretto is ready in the streets to attach Tony to a rocket-powered sports car while nodding and saying, "Family."
  Tony: Carol?! Is that you?!
  Linkara: [as Tony] Goddammit, Carol, we did this in Civil War II already! Are you really killing me again?!
  • Captain Marvel exploits Iron Man's attraction to her by goading him into shooting her with an energy blast so she can power up; she follows this up by dragging Iron Man into space:
    Iron Man: Hnnng — Carol — I don't know what's happening... but you can't win this. Even if you can get past me... and you can't... you think the rest of the Avengers won't tear you apart?
    Nil: People you know and care about are trying to kill you. Have you noticed?
    • Captain Marvel responds by crushing his windpipe and removing his armor, sending him hurtling into deep space:
      Captain Marvel: [thinking] Another "win," but at what cost?
      Linkara: Eh, your outfit seems to be self-regenerating, so probably no more than a few bucks for coffee and lunch, I imagine.
• After Thor and Tony are revealed to still be alive and hiding inside a living pocket dimension named Singularity, Captain Marvel tells them how she was captured and placed into her new suit by Vox Supreme after she finished touring a Kree refugee camp:
  Vox Supreme: I am Vox Supreme. And I am the future.
  Linkara: [as Vox Supreme] The future is black and green; cyberpunk-y, but also black goo.
  • She is given the task of killing the core Avengers within 24 hours, or else he will blow up the camps; as part of her plan, she heads to an abandoned S.H.I.E.L.D. facility for "Project Gemini":
    Captain Marvel: [thinking] I told them to burn this place to the ground when I found out about it.
    Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] I mean, an entire S.H.I.E.L.D. facility dedicated to that 70's show that became Riding With Death? Or the Will Smith movie? Either way, burn it all down.
    Captain Marvel: [thinking] Actually, I think "nuke it from space" was the exact phrase.
    Linkara: Ah, never mind; S.H.I.E.L.D. was trying to make Xenomorphs. [beat] That figures.
• In issue 14, Thor is furious at finding out that he was cloned, but becomes puzzled at one particular quirk concerning the specimen Captain Marvel found:
  Thor: ...They only cloned Thor's head? What has happened to my beautiful and majestic body?
  Linkara: Well, you see, there was a very lonely intern, and... well, she... didn't like the beard and decided she didn't really need the head, so... [shrugs]
  • Before Captain Marvel leaves, she opens up a closet inside Singularity, where the bodies of the clones she collected spill out:
    Tony: <GASP>
    Captain Marvel: Don't be babies. Like you haven't seen things a billion times more horrific than a bunch of dead clones of you and your best friends lying on the ground? C'mon.
    Linkara: [as Tony] It's not that, Carol; I just realized that my clone has a bigger penis than me! How does that happen?!
    • Thor is confused why she has a clone of Hawkeye, since his slot on the team is currently filled by the Robbie Reyes Ghost Rider:
      Captain Marvel: There was no clone of Robbie in the S.H.I.E.L.D. bunker. I brought the Hawkeye clone just in case.
      Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] I'm hoping that this guy is a bigot against humans and, like, can't really tell the difference.
• Captain Marvel takes her leave with the Tony clone, tasking Tony and Thor with thinking of a better plan while she's away:
  Thor: We do not even have any charming mortal board games with which to amuse ourselves.
  Linkara: [as Tony] Welp, we have no choice, then, Thor; let's play puppets with the corpses.
• Captain Marvel delivers the clone's corpse to Vox Supreme, who tells her to pick up the pace; she tries to get him to reveal his plans, but he refuses to take the bait:
  Vox Supreme: All I'll say is this, Captain: my goals are noble.
  Linkara: [as Vox Supreme] My goals are noble, which is why I'm forcing you to murder your friends so I can harvest things from their corpses, and threatening to blow up innocent people; when you get right down to it, I'm the hero of this story, frankly.
  • After Captain Marvel leaves, Vox Supreme turns his attention to the Thor head he's currently dissecting:
    Linkara: [as Thor] Oh—Ohh, dear... Uhh, sweet rabbit! I don't suppose you have a spare body somewhere you can give me?
• Captain Marvel tracks Black Panther to Palo Alto, California, where he blasts her with an unknown beam of energy:
  Black Panther: Did you think I was going to continue to let you pick the Avengers off one by one? That I was going to just wait around until you made your way to me?
  Linkara: [as Black Panther] I want to be next, dammit; I always get picked last!
• Issue 15 begins where the last one left off, with Captain Marvel about to carry Black Panther to Singularity before being interrupted by She-Hulk:
  Captain Marvel: [thinking] With the others, there was always an edge that I could take away. Thor's hammer. Tony's robots. T'Challa's suit. With Jen there's just... ...Jen.
  Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] I must take Jen away from Jen!
  • While fighting She-Hulk, Captain Marvel pieces together how Vox Supreme is blowing up the camps:
    Captain Marvel: [thinking] People. Vox Supreme put his bombs in the actual Kree refugees themselves!
    Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] I knew those free appendectomy giveaways to Kree refugees were too good to be true!
• Captain Marvel delivers Black Panther and She-Hulk's clones to Vox Supreme:
  Vox Supreme: Why are they all coming to me naked?
  Linkara: [as Vox Supreme] And why do they all have clone juices dripping off of them?
  Captain Marvel: You asked for Avengers... not their tech. You get what you demanded and nothing more.
  Linkara: [as Vox Supreme] I feel like you're using the letter of the law to defeat the spirit of the law here, and probably not a good idea to be pedantic with the guy who can blow up refugees.
  • Captain Marvel takes her leave, with the two beings making up Vox Supreme agreeing to kill her during their next meeting:
    Captain Marvel: [thinking] My next Avenger would be the first to admit that I'm stronger than he is... and yet I think perhaps I've dreaded this one more than any of the others.
    Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] We meet again... Two-Gun Kid.
• Her next target is Captain America, who asks her if this is truly the way things have to be; when she says yes, Cap drops his shield and surrenders:
  Linkara: [as Captain America] Look, Carol, I've had a long day. Nazis, white supremacists, a guy calling himself "Captain Crypto" who wanted to somehow kill people with NFTs... I just want to die, okay?
  Linkara: No, he trusts her play and won't waste her time.
  Captain Marvel: I have to punch you now.
  Captain America: I thought as much.
  Linkara: [as Captain America] Said the same thing to the Nazis, white supremacists, and Captain Crypto.
• With all the heroes now gathered within Singularity, Tony briefs the group on an idea for how they can save the day:
  Tony: Like with all things, we shall turn Vox's greatest strength into his greatest weakness.
  Linkara: [as Tony] His color scheme.
• Captain Marvel returns to Vox Supreme to deliver the clones of Captain America and Hawkeye:
  Vox Supreme: I asked for Captain America — who is this other one?
  Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] Sorry, I fought them in a different comic with a bad artist who drew the two blonde-haired white guys exactly the same, so I couldn't tell the difference.
  • As expected, Vox Supreme ultimately turns on Captain Marvel so he can harvest her DNA, strapping the collected bodies to slabs centered around a vat full of green liquid:
    Vox Supreme: Ah, Captain. Your efforts were valiant, but you are a misguided fool with a limited and disappointingly human view of the world.
    Linkara: [as Vox Supreme] Your people did not understand the full potential of Mountain Dew. I SHALL HARNESS IT!
    Vox Supreme: You view us as a villain, but we are not villains, we are architects.
    Linkara: [as Vox Supreme] Brutalist McDonald's? That was us.
    Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] See?! You are villains!
    Linkara: He says that the Kree pretended to be a great race for millennia, but really, they're just a rough draft.
    Vox Supreme: We — a Vox who survived the odds to merge with the best and brightest fragments of the original Supreme Intelligence and create the greatest version of our own selves — we will birth a master race.
    Linkara: Definitely a good guy, people; historically, anyone who talks positively about a master race is a hero, right?
• In issue 16, as Captain Marvel fights Vox Supreme, she gets knocked into the vat of green liquid, causing it to pour all over her; through Vox, the Supreme Intelligence tells her that she will transform into something new, as they were harvesting not only DNA, but experiences and memories:
  Supreme Intelligence: They harvest the very heart of what makes us spectacular. Best of the best.
  Linkara: [as the Supreme Intelligence] For me, they get my magnificent hair.
  • To make a long story short, Captain Marvel temporarily turns into a mutant version of herself to take down Vox Supreme, leaving quite the mess when the other Avengers arrive:
    Thor: Why... is there puke... everywhere?
    Linkara: [as Thor] Oh, gods, did Mjolnir hit you in the stomach when you first summoned it? That happened to me the first time I tried it.
    • After destroying the ruins of New Arctilan, Captain Marvel thanks Singularity for her help and hugs her:
      Linkara: More comic books should feature people hugging sentient pocket dimensions.
• After dropping off Vox Supreme at the Raft, Captain Marvel reflects on the ordeal and how it made her feel better about herself:
  Captain Marvel: [thinking] This one pushed me as far to the edge as I've been in a long time. Forced me to feel the full depth of the human experience in an extremely concentrated dose.
  Linkara: Nothing quite says "the full human experience" quite as much as "breaking Iron Man's throat".
  • The story ends with Carol collapsing on her bed, with her pet Flerken Chewie asking for dinner before she sleeps:
    Linkara: Given how many times my cats come onto this show wanting attention — got one right here — I sympathize, Carol.
• The post-credits stinger:
  Singularity: Always help friends.
  Captain Marvel: [hugging Singularity] Yes. Always help friends.
  Captain Marvel: [thinking] And apparently hit them a lot and be really, really grateful when they decide to be gracious and forgive you without a lot of groveling.
  Linkara: [as Captain Marvel] And promise to polish Mjolnir for the next month because there are puke stains on it; my bad.

731: PATREON: E-Robot Chapter 1

• Linkara points out that the Longbox of the Damned review of Uzumaki got him a genuine copyright strike and calls out Moarte for it:
  Linkara: So, thanks, jackass! Your videos are my downfall!
  Moarte: Can't hear you, reviewing Longbox Bumper Contest entries! And bring back Late Night Double Feature or I'll make you lick my skulls!
• We open on a scientist giving a lecture:
  Scientist: What will save this world... ...is the erotic!!
  Linkara: Okay, an unusual way of stopping Hellstar Remina, but I'm willing to hear you out.
  • Naturally, the audience does not take kindly to this, throwing books and pencils at him and calling him a pervert:
    Scientist: P-Please, just listen to me!!
    Linkara: [as the scientist] If Tumblr just brings back the porn, we'll have a unified social media platform!
• The title page gives the name of this chapter as "Explosive! Ai's Love Missile!":
  Linkara: Now I'm just envisioning A.I. art pushing out an image of a missile with a heart on it... and yet still putting terrible-looking hands on it.
• We truly begin the story with two high-school boys spying on the most popular girl at school as she walks into class:
  Boy: It's Hikari Shirahama. She's brainy... She's great at sports... To top it off, she's cute, cheery and kind. A triple threat cherished by all...
  Linkara: [as the boy] All will love her and despair! Gaze upon her radiant beauty, and have your flesh turn to stone like a Gorgon!
  • One of the boys, Yuuki, tries to confess his love to Hikari, but bungles the conversation; his friend then has a crazy idea to try to improve his social skills:
    Boy: Hold up... Yuuki. Your father... He works with robots, yeah?
    Yuuki: Y-Yeah...
    Enrico Marini: Yeah.
    Boy: Get 'im to make you one!
    Linkara: [as the boy] Get him to make you a new father!
    Boy: The ultimate cute girl robot! Then you can practice your confession!
    Linkara: I mean, you could probably get the same effect by buying a Furby and practicing on that instead...
    Boy: She could even be super erotic!!
    Linkara: As opposed to the regular amount of erotic.
    Yuuki: Are you stupid?!
    Linkara: [as Yuuki] What creeper of a dad is going to give his teenage son a sex robot?!
• Yuuki sees a cat in the middle of the road about to be hit by a truck and rushes into action; however, he is interrupted by a pink-haired robot girl who stops the truck with... her breasts:
  Caption: BOOB BARRICADE!!
  Linkara: [having none of this nonsense] ...Okay, we're doing another one of these, but under protest.
  Caption: BOOB BARRICADE!!
  Linkara: Rack Roadblock! Oppai Obstruction! Stacked Stockade! Busty Bulwark! Melon Immobilizer! Mammary Mitigator! Bosom Blocker!
  Yuuki: She stopped the truck with her chest?!
  Linkara: When you say it like that, it sounds like she flashed him.
  Robot: My chest... ...is both flexible and durable.
  Linkara: So you're saying what are truly indestructible are robot boobs?
  Robot: It's the ultimate armor!
  Linkara: Okay, this is not what people mean when they talk about boob armor.
  Linkara: So in this universe, Iron Man made a suit out of robot boobs?
  Linkara: And the scientist's idea for stopping war was to build a robot whose breasts could halt an explosion?
  Linkara: And finally...
  Yuuki: She stopped the truck with her chest?!
  Linkara: [in a Groucho Marx impression] Well, they do say that airbags save lives! [beat; normally] Why did I agree to this review?
  • After getting knocked out by the robot girl accidentally slamming into him with her butt, Yuuki wakes up in his room, where the robot girl admits to him that her butt is strong enough to dent steel:
    Linkara: This robot was made by someone who really wanted to be with Android 18 from Dragon Ball Z, but also wanted 100% authenticity in the design.
    • The robot introduces herself as Ai Roborovskii, but Yuuki is left even more confused:
      Yuuki: [thinking] And what's on her ears?!
      Linkara: Eh, the same things that end up on a lot of Rob Liefeld characters: cyborg earmuffs.
• Viga drops in partway through to explain the ecchi subgenre, then tries to rope Linkara in for more anime discussions. When he continues to refuse (with a forced grin on his face), she finally gets the hint and dejectedly walks away... then chucks a rainbow alpaca plushie at him.
• Yuuki gets a phone call from his father, the scientist from the beginning of the chapter, who explains why Ai was created:
  Scientist: Even today, this world is full of unending wars. If someone makes a weapon capable of killing one hundred people... ...someone else will create one that can wipe out a thousand.
  Linkara: Dude, I think you're severely underestimating the amount of people some weapons can kill these days.
  Scientist: It's a never-ending vicious cycle of killing. So in order to break that circle... ...I poured years and years of my life... ...into developing a certain weapon.
  Linkara: [as Yuuki] The robot girl?
  Linkara: [as the scientist] What? No, I made a chemical weapon that can kill all life at once. Beat that, murder cycle!
  • The scientist continues:
    Scientist: Every part of her is perfectly erotic.
    Linkara: [as Yuuki] What about her ears?
    Linkara: [as the scientist] NO! People who are into ears are fricking degenerates, and I will not be catering to them! Now, let me tell you about her erotic nose hairs...
    Ai: Mr. Yuuki! Please don't look down on the perverted!
    Linkara: Look, I'm not trying to kink-shame here; you build a sexbot and you have a fetish for a particular body part, fine. What I am questioning is something that probably should've been brought up in the design phase, because I fear it caters to certain perverts who should never be catered to: THE AGE THING!!
    Scientist: Ai's astounding "eroticism"... ...will usher in world peace!!
    Linkara: Oh, yeah, drop this thing into North Korea at 7 AM, and you will be partying by noon.
    • Yuuki is asked to "make use" of Ai:
      Ai: Mr. Yuuki. Please help me... ...as I explore the limits of perversion!!
      Linkara: Well, considering there is no actual sex or nudity on this comic, I'm pretty sure I found said limits.
• Yuuki and Ai learn of a hostage situation at a nearby bank, with none other than Hikari among them; the two rush to the scene, stopping in front of the police barricade:
  Officer 1: Get back! This is dangerous!! By the way, is that girl super cute, or what?!
  Linkara: [as another officer] Steve, I'm gay! How many times do I have to tell you that?!
  Officer 2: She sure is!
  Officer 1: Might even say she's erotic!!
  Officer 2: She sure is!!
  Linkara: Might even say that you two have skewed priorities and are kind of awful!
  • To get past some closed shutters, Ai performs an erotic dance; this causes the cops to develop nosebleeds, forcing them to pull back:
    Linkara: Meanwhile, Gary the asexual cop is looking at all the others and being all, "The hell is wrong with you people?!"
    • Yuuki and Ai take advantage of a momentary opening and slide into the bank, where the robbers draw their guns on them; thinking quickly, Ai pulls a Marilyn Maneuver, flipping up her skirt:
      Robber: Not even a breeze in here, but her skirt's flapping all on its own... It's skirting the thin line between covering up and exposing it all!!
      Peter Venkman: And you don't want us exposing ourselves!
• The robbers beat a hasty retreat while Yuuki rescues Hikari:
  Robber Boss: Hey! Pull yourself together!!
  Robber: Right, Boss!! Even if we gotta forget about those partially visible panties... No way I'm forgetting about this fully visible money!!
  Cyber-Leader: There is... logic in what he says.
  • The boss fires at Yuuki and Hikari, but Ai jumps in the way, deflecting the bullets with her breasts:
    Linkara: Fifteen years of this job, and I'm still finding new sentences I've never said before...
    Robber Boss: Who is this kid?!
    Ai: I'm... ...the ultimate... ...erotic weapon.
    Linkara: [as Ai] I'm basically a taser with jiggle physics.
    • While the robbers themselves have been taken down, Yuuki and Ai soon discover a hidden bomb about to detonate as a contingency plan; with no time to lose, Ai forces Yuuki to grope her breasts, causing her to... launch missiles from her chest:
      Linkara: Here's some more puns that Viga provided me for this moment. Uh... "D-Cup Deterrent". "Bosom Barrage". "Victoria's Secret Compartment".
• The post-credits stinger:
  Scientist: What will save this world... ...is the erotic!!
  Bill McNeal: Your confusing thesis has captured my attention. Tell me more.

732: PATREON: Overwatch #7-8

• Linkara describes Overwatch as G.I. Joe, but with a talking gorilla.
• The first issue in the review opens with the protagonist, Ana Amari, taking up a sniping position in a decimated apartment:
  Ana: [thinking] I've done this job proudly since the Omnic Crisis. But... I have grown weary.
  Linkara: [as Ana] Shooting cockroaches with a sniper rifle seems like overkill, is all.
  Ana: [thinking] I don't know how much longer I have in me. A new recruit just approached me the other day. He looked at my rifle stock... all the notches... ...and asked me how many people I've killed.
  Linkara: [as Ana] But then I told him that the notches were actually just to make the bullets go faster, and he fell for it.
  Ana: [thinking] I'm considered one of the finest snipers on the planet. My cybernetic eye makes my vision six times greater than normal. My scope brings that to six hundred times. I rarely even need the scope.
  Linkara: [as Ana] But it's weird taking my eye out and putting it on the gun in place of it.
  Ana: [thinking] My rifle is a Kinamura. Today I'm using .338 rounds. Accurate to 2000 meters. Bullet travels at 980 meters per second.
  Linkara: [as Ana] Yet it can't be bothered to stop and pick up some groceries for me.
  Ana: [thinking] I could do with less. But enemies don't get up from this.
  Linkara: Ironically, in the game itself, Ana is actually a support class; her rifle shoots out either healing syringes for teammates or poison for the enemy.
  • Ana is assisting a team led by Jack Morrison, later known as the vigilante Soldier: 76, in rescuing some hostages; due to her age, she regards herself as a mother figure to the unit, even though the agents each have someone they're looking after:
    Ana: [thinking] But I also know that every target... ...no, every person... I kill has someone who cares for them as well.
    Linkara: [as Ana] Really should find a better way of distributing these commemorative gift bullets...
    • Ana remarks how some snipers wound their targets to draw out more soldiers to kill, but the concept doesn't sit well with her:
      Ana: [thinking] I think of my daughter — my Fareeha... I won't do that to other people's children.
      Linkara: You won't give them jetpacks and rocket launchers like she has?
• The team soon finds themselves under attack from an enemy sniper; Ana takes a shot and damages the other sniper's helmet, revealing her to be Widowmaker:
  Ana: [thinking] Amélie Lacroix?! Impossible. She was kidnapped after her husband's murder.
  Linkara: [as Ana] And it looks like she's tried some of Willy Wonka's chewing gum!
• The next issue opens in Giza, where Soldier: 76 is actively looking for Ana despite a bounty being placed on her:
  Civilian: Hakim's offering good money. This one's been causing him and his associates a lot of problems. Now me, I normally wouldn't turn on one of our own, but if the price is right...
  George Gray: A new car! [cheering and screaming]
• Soldier: 76 arrives at Hakim's compound and begins taking down the guards stationed there, only to get ambushed by his old associate, Reaper:
  Reaper: Always rushing in. I know your every move before you even think it. Always have. Always will.
  Linkara: [as Soldier: 76] So... you say you're not going to kill me, then?
  Reaper: I've been looking for you since Switzerland. Knew it'd take more than that to kill you.
  Linkara: [as Reaper] Which is saying something, because my guns are Liefeldian in how huge they are!
  • Suddenly, Reaper is shot by Ana, who in turn gives Soldier: 76 a healing syringe:
    Soldier: 76: The pain... It's gone...?
    Linkara: Man, the opioid crisis in the future has gotten so bad that people are just shooting each other with pain meds now.
    • Ana tries to shoot at Reaper again, but he teleports behind her, easily avoiding her sleeping dart:
      Reaper: Hakim's been trying to draw out the one who's been sabotaging our operations. I never expected that it'd be you... A real ghost.
      Linkara: [as Ana] Yeah, well, what I just injected you with will kill you in seven days, so bite me.
      Reaper: Not to mention him. Guess we old soldiers are hard to kill. But I should have known. You always took his side.
      Linkara: Can this marriage be saved?
• Eventually, Ana manages to unmask Reaper, leaving her in shock from what she sees:
  Ana: What happened to you...?
  Reaper: He did this to me, Ana.
  Linkara: [as Reaper] Bet me fifty bucks I couldn't fit my whole head in a deep fryer, and we were both drunk, so...
  Reaper: They left you to die. They left me to suffer...
  Linkara: [as Reaper] They left me to become the ultimate edgelord, Ana! Linkin Park is playing 24 hours a day in this thing!
• Soldier: 76 and Ana reunite, where she admits that after their last mission together, she felt that she failed everyone and it would be better if she became a ghost:
  Ana: But I realized even a ghost can protect those who need it.
  Linkara: Casper the Friendly Sniper.
  • She says she doesn't care about Soldier: 76's war, but she does care about him, and he needs someone to watch his back:
    Soldier: 76: And here I thought I was supposed to be recruiting you.
    Linkara: [as Soldier: 76] Yes! I don't have to pay you the benefits package if you're volunteering!
    • Before they leave, Ana has one last question:
      Ana: What are you going to do when the fighting's over?
      Soldier: 76: I'm a soldier, Ana. Our war's never over.
      Linkara: [as Soldier: 76] Or at least, until I can get that damn severance package that Overwatch was supposed to provide; that's the real reason the team disbanded.

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