Funny moments from the RiffTrax of standalone feature films. (NOTE: funny moments from entries in popular film franchises go on this page. If you're adding a riff from a film not listed below, be sure to check whether or not it is listed under "Film Franchises".)
Released as both an Mp3 and VOD:
- The guys start noticing a similar sifmilarity between Birdemic and a certain other film.Bill (as Tommy Wiseau): Oh, hai, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent that's trying to horn in on my business!
Mike (as Tommy Wiseau): Oh, hello darkness my old friend. Hahahaha!
- The spontaneous, ahem, "forest fire:"Kevin: Help, it's a strangely localized forest fire!
Bill: With small pinpoint blazes that are not spreading in the least! Help!
Mike: And which are handily contained to tiny patches off the road itself making safe passage quite easy! Help!
Kevin: It's not a forest fire. It's a bunch of Buddhist monk chipmunks doing a simultaneous self-immolation to protest!
Bill: To protest global warming?
Kevin: No, this movie!
- Bill: Sadly, that night the only inconvenient truth was in Rod's pants.
- Mike: Due to the cloudy day, Mass Solar's stock drops 90% and Rod is ousted by the board.
- Bill's Cluster F-Bomb during the credits at the cast, filled with censor bleeps, followed by Mike when Kevin brings up spruce bark beetles.
- During an exceptionally bad bit of Special Effect Failure.Mike: We're going to make this look good in post, right?
Bill: Hell is post? Keep flailing!
- After an eagle manages to divebomb a filling station.
- The guys have fun with the "Blind Idiot" Translation script:Rod: Watch football. Especially the 49ers. Part-times note Eagles fan.
Mike (as Rod): Oh, hang on. I said "part-times Eagles fan."
Kevin (as movie director): Keep rolling!
- When Rod and Nathalie visit her mom:Mike (as Rod): So is there anything I should know about your mom? Anything ridiculously unexpected that might catch me off guard?
(Rod rings on the doorbell.)
Bill (as Jabba the Hutt): Salacious, can you get that?
Kevin: (laughs crazily like Salicious Crumb)
- Soon followed up with Mike speaking for the mom and saying, "I just finished encasing a bounty hunter in carbonite."
- One word: "Slrpnls." Nobody knows just what a slrpnl is.note Executive: Is there a patent?
Rod: Yes; Mass Solar owns the patent to this technology.
Kevin: And, what are you calling them again?
Kevin: What are you—
Kevin: Perhaps if you slowed down—
- The crew's reaction to Rod's....truthfulness.Ramsey: Where's Becky?
Rod: She's taking a sh*t.
Mike: (bemused) He really said that, didn't he?
- The crew repeatedly exclaiming "SHOCK! And TERROR!" at slow scenes in the movie (which is often)
- After the first bird attack:Nathalie: Why would birds do something like that? I mean, why would they just attack?
Kevin: Maybe green pigs stole their eggs.
- As the "heroes" constantly miss the birds with their automatic weapons.Kevin: Wow, they're terrible at this. I'm surprised a dog hasn't popped up and sniggered at them. (hee hee hee)
- Then there's these references to other Rifftrax movies:Kevin: Okay if this pans across Golden Gate Bridge, I'm leaving.
- Later, while Rod and company wander through the woods:Kevin: Okay, if we start seeing Thumbelina, I'm leaving.
- Later, while Rod and company wander through the woods:
- This exchange:Nathalie: Oh my God! She's dead! Rod! ROD! BECKY! SHE'S DEAD! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! SHE'S DEAD!
Mike: (nearly guffawing) Sincere expression of remorse! "I didn't do anything!"
Bill: (mock wangst) "Mistakes were made!"
- On an over-long restaurant scene:Mike: I think they hired James Nyugen to make a local ad for their restaurant and he just went way way over budget.
Kevin: Sadly, no he didn't.
- On a very oddly-carved giant pumpkin:Bill: Evil Teddy Roosevelt, sure.
- At the end, Alan Bagh once again is painfully aware of the camera.Mike: He's doing his best Frankenstein impression.
Bill: (growling) Fire bad! Stock options good!
- When the Persian messenger arrives:Leonidas: What message do you bring?
Persian Messenger: Earth and water.
Leonidas: You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water?
Bill (as the messenger): Well, I lost some of the message along the way...
- When Leonidas dispatches the Persian messenger's party, and decide to run the THIS! IS! SPARTA! gag straight into the ground:Bill: Well, I certainly think he proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA!
Mike: His kids make fun of him because when he's handing out stuff on the Fourth of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!"
Kevin: Or when he's giving his car a tune-up, and his kid asks, "Hey, dad? What's that small, white thing with metal at each end?" And he always replies, "THIS! IS! A SPARK PLUG!"
Bill: Or...when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal—
Mike: Uh-oh, where's he going with this?
Bill: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS! 'SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!!!"
Mike: Wow, you pulled it off! Nicely done!
- Leonidas sitting down next to his son after a sparring session, "Hey, wanna beer, kid?"Son: Um, Dad, why are you Scottish?
- When Leonidas meets with the Persian messenger:
- "Jog, men! Jog casually into battle! JOG!!!"
- (seeing the Rain of Arrows) "Aw, relax; they're probably not even meant for us..."
- When the 300 are preparing to leave:
- After a shot of the massive Persian fleet:Mike (as Delios): And so Xerxes and Jimmy Buffett assembled the largest boat-to-boat party in history.
- "Kid, how'd you get so dirty?! You were outside for, like, five minutes!"
- "Uh, I don't like this new 'extreme' image for The Giving Tree —it was fine the way it was."
- "March of the Penguins had less marching!!"
- "Man, that is one angry cow!"
- "My best hoof!"
- Leonidas meeting Xerxes for the first time:Kevin: (as Xerxes puts his hands on Leonidas's shoulders) Mmmm...you're so tense...
Xerxes: It's not the lash they fear...
Mike: Oh, no...it's turning into one of these... (all three start imitating porno music)
- And later in that scene:
- "Muffin out your chests, men!"
- "Alright, men, ready your six-packs! And if you haven't done so already, oil up those pecs!"
- (imitating Roger Rabbit) "Ahem. Attention, Spartans!"
- When the messenger tells the Spartans to lay down their spears.Bill: Hey guys we took a vote, and we decided to lay down uh, one spear. *cue messenger being impaled and thrown to the ground by a single thrown spear*
- During one of the many battle scenes:Delios: We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do.
Bill: What we were cast, costumed, and choreographed to do.
Mike: What we were blue-screened and digitized to do.
Bill: What we were shaved to do.
- And in another battle:
- When they start throwing bombs at the Spartans:Delios: (narrating) When muscle failed, they turned to their magic...
Bill: To their Ku Klux Pimps!
- "Alright, we're finally here. The movie has finally taken us quite literally to hell."Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been The Importance of Being Earnest.
- When the evil senator essentially rapes Queen Gorgo:Disembaudio: Hey, guys, baked you some snickerdoodles—Goo-ood Lord! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!?!
Mike: No-no, no, Dis, it's—
Disembaudio: Is this the kind of filth you put on when I leave the room?!?! FOR SHAME!!!
Kevin: No, but Disembaudio, it's—
Disembaudio: No! No!!!! NO!!!
- "Kneel before the soundtrack!! SUBMIT TO IT!!!!!"
- The Immortals approach.Delios: The deadliest fighting force in all of Asia....
Kevin: The Russian vollyball team?
Delios: They have served the dark will of Persian kings for five-hundred years...
- Also referring to the Immortals:
Bill: They deserve a raise!
Mike: Or, as they're now known, "the Incredibly, Perhaps Even Extra Mortals."
- And once the battle starts:
- During Xerxes' rebuttal to Leonidas turning down his offer to submit to Persia's will:Mike: HAM ALERT! HAM ALERT!!! (imitates klaxon)
- Right before all the Spartans get killed:Delios: (narrating) [Leonidas's] roar is loud and long...
Mike: His teeth are bleached and capped...
- After Leonidas throws his spear at XerxesKevin: But Xerxes is usually glad to see a spear headed into him...
(The spear clips his face, making him bleed, and sticking in the back of his throne)
Bill: (as Xerxes covers his face) How tacky!
- The Slo-mostrians are coming!
- Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?!
Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!
Mike: And I'm a flower arranger!
- "Remember, only you can prevent sickly babies from diluting the strength of our race! Freeedooom!"
- The guys have a lot of fun with the Ephors and how utterly revolting they are. Such as when Leonidas reaches the Ephors' hangout:Lead Ephor: Welcome Leonidas. We have been expecting you.
Bill (as Lead Ephor): But since you're late, your bowl of puss is cold!
- Every time they remember the fact the Queen's name is Gorgo."Ah, my beautiful and delicate wife, GORGO"
- The entirety of their mocking of the obnoxious narrator.
- During the "His shield/helmet is heavy/stifling" scene:Bill: Ok lets get ahead of this, "His cape is scratchy, his sandals are itchy, his beard is smelly, and his warrior panties are crunchy"
Mike: "His spear is... uh... pointy. Sharp kinda... at the end..."
- During the "His shield/helmet is heavy/stifling" scene:
- Upon seeing Ephialtes ridiculous persian uniform:Mike: I WANT A BETTER UNIFORM!
- This great jab at social media (though now it would surely be Facebook):Ephialtes: I want it all: wealth, women—
Bill (as Ephialtes): my own Myspace page, with lots of quote-unquote friends!
- As Xerxes lays dying, he declares his love.Leonidas: My queen!
Mike: He finally declared his loyalty to Xerxes!Leonidas: My wife...
Bill: I don't think Xerxes asked that much of him.
- The riffers make Stelios even more Axe-Crazy than he is in the film proper, to the point that nearly every conversation someone has with him becomes an Alone with the Psycho scene.
- Grace: Who'd you expect, numb nuts?
Bill: Thoughtful nickname for a guy who is crippled from the waist down.
- The scene where Jack tries to keep the doglike creatures away with a torch.Mike: This how it is going to feel like for anyone who dresses as a sexy Na'Vi at Comic-Con this year.
Kevin: Hey, now! Don't try to talk me out of it!
Bill: Gungan! Kill it!
Kevin: Meesa... senet... tar...
Bill: (whisper) Kill it more!
- During the destruction of the Home TreeSoldier: Yee-ha, baby! Get some!
Bill: Did I just tell a tree to get some? Man, I need shore leave.
- Jack: Look where we are, Grace.
Mike (as Grace): In a nice, clean hospital with a crack surgical team? Oh, I guess this is good too.
- Bill: Come my peaceful brethren, LET'S KILL THEM ALL!
- "Blue llllladies, blue llllladies, blue dudes who are nearly indistinguishable from the blue lllladies!"
- Mike's "Robot Knife Fight" song.
- After the final duel between Quaritch and Jake, Jake is back in his human body and struggling to grab a breath mask:Mike: Yeah, it kept falling out so somebody stapled the emergency mask into the case...
- Neytiri, after she meets Jake: You are like a baby! Always making noise, don't know what to do.Bill: Poopin' in da Huggies, eatin' da strained peas!
Kevin: Listening to Raffi and watchin' da Max and Ruby!
- The very last joke: "Morning wood!"
- It keeps them laughing even after the credits start rolling.
- After the failed ritual to transfer Grace into her Avatar:Moat: Her wounds were too great. It was not enough time.
Kevin: Also our religion is bullshit.
- The 'Informer's rendition was short but hilarious.
- After Jake prays to the Great Mother for aid.Neytiri: The Great Mother does not take sides.
Mike (as Neytiri): She's an amoral psychopath.
- Kevin: 6-legged, anteater horses.
Mike: George Lucas slowly nods his silent approval.
- Probably the most involved Kansas City Royals joke in Rifftrax history while Jake fights the six-legged dogs:Kevin: A desperate man in blue, confused and frail, lacking necessary skill and training, called up to the big leagues before he was ready, swinging wildly at his more powerful opponent, a single disinterested spectator idly looking on from a distance... eerily reminiscent of a Kansas City Royals game.
Mike: I believe you covered three entire city blocks before you got to that one.
Kevin: I try.
- Any reference to Quaritch's supreme badass-itude.Mike (as Quaritch): Oh, yeah. "Breathing". I suppose some of you pussies need to do that...
- Speaking of the six-legged dogs: "I've heard those things play a very large part in Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. Yeah, the series takes a bit of a dark turn."
- Bill (as Tommy Wiseau): Oh hai, science.
- On the design of the Hometree:
- When Neytiri brings Jake to the Tree of Voices and tells him he can hear the ancestors of the Na'viJake: I can hear them!
Mike: Even in death, your people are annoying and self-righteous.
- The Amway sketch, which takes place when Jake is being chased by a thanator.
- When Eywa sends a thanator to help Neytiri...Mike (as the thanator): (meekly) I killed a pigeon and left it in your bed.Bill (as Neytiri): Awwww.
- During the Opening Scroll:Bill: Psssh. 3000. What has the year 3000 ever done for us?
- "I used to like the color blue. Now it's dead to me. Cram it, Smurfs. Piss off, ocean. Screw you, sky."
- During the final air battle:Mike: So...these jets were all fueled, and tuned up, and ready to go after A THOUSAND YEARS?!
Kevin: Yes, Mike.
Mike: And a bunch of knuckle-dragging cave dwellers with spears took a break from picking nits off each other and eating them for a few days and taught themselves to become top-level fighter pilots?
Bill: Yes, Mike.
Mike: And that, somehow, these exact same weapons - well maintained and on alert, mind you - did NOT save the human race from the aliens one thousand years ago, when the humans who actually MADE these weapons were alive? You know, the humans that did NOT wear goat skins, and sacrifice goats, and smell like goats, and marry goats?
Kevin: Yes, Mike.
Mike: And is there any reason that I should not dedicate my LIFE to building a time machine, so that I can eventually travel back to the set of Saturday Night Fever and infuse the heels of [John] Travolta's disco shoes with nitro glycerin, so that he is eliminated from history and this movie NEVER GETS MADE?!?!
Bill: Um...no, Mike. Go nuts. (Beat) ...I think you just did.
- And soon after that fight...
- "You know, this movie seems kind of silly."
- Their reaction to Terl's infamous scenery chewing.Terl: While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME
(the guys start cracking up)
Terl: I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES!
Bill: Wow, you're really going to go with that performance huh?
- This exchange:Kevin: So, our story so far: Aliens from some death metal planet conquered the Earth then enslaved mankind for a thousand years.
Kevin: Then they sent Travolta, who's going to whiz the entire planet down his leg in a few short days.
Bill: Right again.
Kevin: And somehow this movie is supposed to make us feel good about Scientology?
Mike: Yeah, I think in the same way Birth of a Nation endeared us all to the Klan.
- After the final battle, John looks over wreckage while covered in filthMike: LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE WON! ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?
- The very last riff:Mike: (almost bored) Aaaaand center wipe.note
- The harp-playing scene in the mead hall, where the crew proceeds to interject "What If Thor Was One of Us" and "Shorty Got Low" into the song.
- During the battle with Grendel:Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken.
Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling.
Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs.
- Upon Beowulf stabbing his way out of the eye of the Kraken/Loch Ness Monster/what have you and yelling his name as a war cry:Mike: Guys, If I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"
- When King Beowulf admonishes Unferth for beating his slave, Mike cuts in:Mike (as Beowulf): Unferth, how'd you even get a slave? Why don't I have one?!
- During a massively long zoom-out from the camera:Mike: We interrupt our movie briefly to give you a ride on a skilift.
- Anything and everything pertaining to John Malkovich. Example:Mike: (upon seeing Malkovich) GAH! A creepy, hollow-eyed John Malkovich!...In other words, John Malkovich.
- And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:Kevin: GAH! A hideous sea creature!
Mike: No no no no, it's just John Malkovich.
Kevin and Bill: GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
- And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:
- In regards to Beowulf's burning pyre boat...thing:
- At the burial of some fellow soldiers:
- Kevin can't help noticing something very familiar about the tone and cadence of a poem one of Beowulf's soldiers starts singing in the mead hall:Kevin: The biscuits in the Army, they say they're mighty fine! One rolled off the table, and killed a friend of mine!
All: OHHH, IIII DON'T WANT NO MORE OF AR-MY LIFE! GEE MOM, I WANNA GO HOOOOOOME!
- After Jason has knocked out two policemenBill: Guess I'll have to arrest myself. All right, drop my weapon! I have a right to remain—hey, come back here, me! STOP ME!
- "I hope there's a can on this floor. I've got more gas than the Homer Simpson balloon."
- "Well, apparently I'm a Euro-dick who's too good to answer my own door!"
- When Castel jumps out of the apartment windowBill: AHA, I've ESCAPED! ...Oh, that was dumb!
- "Eamon's starting to breathe on the windows and write dirty words."
- "Dude, you shot my ween! That's just not cool!"
- "I was LYING about my ween, for you see, I do not have one!"
- Right off the bat:Narrator: With the coming of the second world war...
Bill: Switzerland...did nothing.
- Rick: Not a bad story...
Kevin: But it could use a sparkly vampire.
- During Rick's famous introductory scene:Bill: Ah, a classic film character is about to be introduced!
Kevin: Jar Jar Binks?
Bill: Go to so much Hell it's not even funny!
(Rick appears, smoking a cigarette)
Mike: Hey, don't Bogart that cigarette.
Bill: Mike, go join Kevin in Hell!
Mike: (Beat) Will do.
- As the plane flies off at the end:Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to weather conditions we're going to have to reroute to Berlin.
- Making a Running Gag of Laszlo being completely oblivious to Rick and Ilsa's previous romance.
- "Welcome back to the finals of Olympic Open Field Tag. Daniel Craig is currently 'It,' but may not be for long."
- The random yet hilarious reaction to seeing Daniel Craig's face in the opening credits.Mike: A GUINEA FOWL! Oh wait, it's just Daniel Craig.
- "Oh, I get it now. This guy is the missing Mario Brother." "Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia."
- BOND SMASH!
- ENGLISH GUY!
- "The English Guy doesn't so much leap as he plummet."
- "Spies have been reduced to stealing ringtones for Eastern Bloc countries. A clean Schnappi can bring as much as $3 on the black market."
Kevin (as Bond): Ha! Now I get his toaster strudel!
- After Bond steals a bad guy's backpack and starts rifling through it:
- "Finally, he's got some time for Second Life—he can get back to being a foxy blue-skinned woman with green hair."
- "I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy McMoneygone, and Mr. E. Z. Mark."
- "Setting off the sprinklers is a very serious offense. If convicted, you're forced to fly Northwest."
- "So these are the people behind-the-scenes at the airport making sure your flight is delayed, your luggage is lost, and that the restaurants are always closed when you're hungry."
- When Skyfleet's "World's Largest Airliner" is unveiled:Mike: And of course, this is the day the President is scheduled to go up in the all-new space shuttle—
Kevin: With all the other leaders of the free world—
Mike: Of course. And 300 orphaned children from Kosovo—
Kevin: And Oprah Winfrey!
Mike: Sure, throw in Oprah Winfrey!
- Mike and Kevin's bantering impressions of air traffic controllers.
- When the police show up late to the airport chase scene, "Sorry! We went to the wrong airport. We should be there inside 30 minutes tops!"
- Kevin singing the James Bond theme and segueing into the Indiana Jones theme as Bond punches out an evil truck driver during the airport chase scene.
- (As Bond looks at his tuxedo'd self in a mirror) "Yeah! My God, I'm hot! This tuxedo would look best on the floor! ...Seriously, though, I'd do me in a heartbeat."
- Mike and Kevin's impressions of a guy who doesn't understand poker and a frustrated croupier, respectively:Mike: Hit me!
Kevin: Sir, you can't do that!
Mike: Double down!
Kevin: Sir, that's Blackjack!
Kevin: Sir, now you're just reading the back of the cards!
- "Mr. Bond, I have a message for you from a Mr. Le Chiffre. It reads, 'Mr. Bond, your missing $10 million dollars has been found, quote: "somewhere in my huge pile of money" and you can pick it up at "my butt." Burn, burn, ROFTLMAO, pwned, love, Le Chiffre.' You know, I really should look these things over before I read them over the intercom."
- ...This:Vesper: (whispering) You can have me anywhere.
Mike (as Bond): (rather gleefully) Really, like on a bakery counter? Or onstage at a political rally?
- "It's been six minutes and we haven't done it—I wonder if he's impotent..."
- "The people of Venice know about land, right? And how it makes an excellent foundation for buildings?"
- During the climactic scene where Vesper drowns:
- This scene near the beginningSpyros: Something is not right.
Bill: Yeah, your family has three different accents.
- ANCIENT MALIBU!
- "Up is pretty!"
- Bill: (about Perseus's tunic) That little girl's dress was longer than his!
Hades: Argos will be swept from the earth, and all of you with it.
Mike (as Hades): Don't leave town or anything, that would be cheating.
- If you know Greek mythology, this bit is hysterical.Zeus: He's no different than any of the others that have turned their backs on us.
Kevin (as Zeus): How many rapes does a guy have to commit before he gets some respect?
- When Perseus is denying that Zeus is his fatherPerseus: My father was killed by a god.
Mike: The god of falling asleep drunk on railroad tracks.
- Kevin: And to Zeus, "NOOOO!" means "YEEESSS!"
- Bill: (when the Kraken takes literally several minutes to fully surface) STILL surfacing?! Try to get all the way out before the birth of Christ, okay?
- Oh hai Hades!!
- When Perseus finds the sword:Mike: Sweet, free glowy thing.
- When Jason and the Argonauts are getting ready to leaveMan: Good news!
Bill: Professor Farnsworth?
- As Andromeda watches the Krakken emerge:
- Our first introduction to the monster:Mike: You're about an hour late, monster!
Kevin: We're only 18 minutes in, Mike.
Mike: I stand by my statement.
- "The first plot point is stuck in traffic."
- When the citizens take pictures of the fallen head of the Statue of Liberty:Kevin: Ms. Liberty! Over here, Ms Liberty!
Mike: Ms. Liberty, is it true you're parting with Mickey Rourke?
- "Then again, the upside to destroying New York...no more David Blaine."
- "Wow, you're right! Destroy away, monster! Look for a smug guy with a deck of cards."
- While the protagonists are running to the subway station:Mike: Oh, zoinks! Let's get out of here, Scooby!
- As the protagonists venture into a wrecked building to find their friend:Mike: The Kool-Aid man did this. I'd recognize his work anywhere.
Bill (as Kool-Aid man): OH YEEAAAH!!
- "My name is Robert Hawkins..."All three: (In unison) His name is Robert Hawkins!
- The camera is focused on a set of TVs in a radio store, with one of them playing an episode of Spongebob SquarepantsBill: Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: Sandy Cheeks is dead!
- A panicky Beth calls Rob:Beth: Rob? Rob!
Kevin (as Beth): Rob, I'm at the after party and I don't know anybody here!
- After Marlena is bitten by a monster and explodes, the gang runs into Beth.Mike: Hey, Beth? Remember the Mr. Creosote sketch? Tangentially, remember Marlena?
- In the very beginning;Narrator: Every five hundred years, a young woman is born.
Mike: Sometimes even more frequently than that!
- After the young boy is left alone with the old man and he starts walking towards him;Mike (as kid): Oh boy, special page in the yearbook, here I come.
- After a bit of exposition:Boy: What are you talking about?
Mike: (with straightforward sincerity) Thank you.
- Less than five minutes later:Korean Leader: What are you talking about?
Mike: Again, thank you.
Kevin: It's telling that he's the second character to ask that and we're not even ten minutes in!
- Less than five minutes later:
- When Mike impersonates Al Pacino near the end.
- Kevin's summation of the ending:Kevin: Okay, so; our heroine: dead. Los Angeles: devastated. Our hero: left to die without food or water in some sort of forgotten realm.
Bill: What about Bruce?
Kevin: I'm sure Bruce is fine, Bill.
- Two of the film's more extreme plot-holes - the endless running away from the dragon and the way the characters appear in some kind of fantasy realm with no explanation whatsoever - collide, nearly driving Mike over the edge:Hero: "Come on, let's get out of here.
Mike: WHERE IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU SUGGEST WE GO?!
- All right, we're back. And... it hurts already.
- "I would seek justice, one way or another. I would become Batman! Until some rich idiot in Gotham city sued me for naming rights..."
- "I'm gonna get so, so naked, and then I'm gonna sit my fat bubbly ass right on Affleck's head!"
- All of the jokes pertaining to Ben Affleck being Matt Damon's best friend.
- Whenever Kevin tries to shoehorn in any "Daredevil" jokes.
- "What the hell are you doing? Get it?"
- "Being blind, physics no longer apply to me!"
- After Bullseye gets both of his hands shot;Mike: (in phony Irish accent) They got me drinking hand and me drinking hand!
- After Kingpin reveals that he is from the BronxMike: (mimicking Michael Clarke Duncan's gravely voice) Don't be fooled by the rocks I got, I'm still Michael from the block.
- "This man needs a rabbi!"
- "Stop playing Wii Voodoo and help my son!"
- This hilarious scene occurs during the credits.Bill: Tommy Wiseau!
Mike: (in Wiseau's accent) Oh hai, Hell! Hahaha...
- There's another The Room reference as Christine and Clay are in the fortune teller's office.
- "Clay, you always play psychologist with us! Hahahah..."
- "Ga-gal-ba-tor-ix? Did George Lucas guest-name that character?"
- "E-ragon. The online Ragon merchant that you can trust!"
- In the beginning, when Ayra is magically transporting Saphira's egg.Kevin: Melon?
(The egg vanishes in a burst of light)
Kevin: Magic melon!
- The Riffers constantly pointing out how Eragon's family members are never introduced properly.Roran: Hail Eragon, the mighty hunter!
Mike: Hail sweaty guy who kinda looks like me.
- LaterKevin: So, why does he feel the need to keep this from his wrestling parter and Hat Guy. You know, the one with the hat?
Mike: Well, clearly because that's a blue thing. It's blue.
Kevin: Ahh, right, of course.
- Culminating in:As Roran leaves the farm
Mike: Goodbye, brother-cousin-friend-fellow-farmhand.
- "Ah Jeremy Irons. The guy you call when you think, 'How can I make my movie a lot creepier?'"
- The Riffers giving baby Saphira the voice of an alcoholic.
- "It's dry over here in the next scene!"
- Mike lets Disembaudio take over for the credits.
- Over a shot of a medieval villageKevin: HUZZAH! Welcome one and all, to the Renaissance Festival!
Mike: Carolingian or Byzantine Renaissance?
Kevin: I don't know, HUZZAH!
- After the third fake ending:Mike: Come on, throw one more random image at us — we can take it!
- Kevin singing "The Hills are Alive" during a sweeping shot of Scenery Porn.
- The numerous references to how the movie is just Star Wars meets The Lord of the Rings.
- When Eragon assumes that baby Saphira had abandoned him just like his parents:Eragon: She's gone.
- "Halt and be FABULOUS!"
- Right off the bat, the reaction to the "Original Film" cardMike: "Original Film", a division of "Bitterly Ironic Studio Names, Inc."
Kevin: Yes, Original Film presents the third sequel in under a decade to a movie that ripped off its plot from Point Break (1991)!
- During the opening scene, the mini-semi flips around and starts driving backwards.Kevin: Oh, it's Cameron's dad's car from Ferris Bueller, they have to run the miles off before they return it.
- After Dom catches a bullet in his back and barely even flinchesKevin: Haha! Now you see that your bullets are useless against him!
- "Offer him coupons! Drug lords love coupons!"
- O'Connor gets the name "David Park" out of a low-ranking gang member. One of his fed buddies complains that he could throw a fortune cookie out the window and hit a dozen David Parks. When another agent informs him that "Park" is a Korean name rather than a Chinese one...Kevin (as agent): Fine, I'll throw a barbecued dog out the window, ya happy?
- The running gag of Dom thinking 46 is the biggest number there is. One such instance late in the movie:Dom: You can't buy your way out of this one.
Mike (as Dom): Unless you have 46 dollars.
- A lot of fun is had at the fact that the characters are extremely reliant on GPS to, uh, do anything.Mike: How did guys even drive before GPS?
Kevin: Yeah, it's like they would have had to look ahead of their car to know when a turn is coming up.
- Compos talks about how O'Connor's undercover story involves him having "just got out of County."Mike (as Compos): County spelling bee! That was a tough elimination, homes.
- "Bloodthirsty, ruthless... yet pissy."
- As the Diva sings:Mike: The very moment he saw her, Papa Smurf called Lawsuit Smurf, and they sued the living shit out of her.
- When Nick meets Philippe, the French Secret Service agent:Philippe: I thought you might like to know that your American friends have decided not to look look for the creature's nest.
Nick: What? Are you sure? How do you know that?
Philippe: We know.
Kevin: "Oui no"? That's French for "yes no"; how does that help?
- The entire scene in the beginning where Michael Myers is wandering around the house and Kevin and Mike are playacting as John Carpenter and his wife "Debbie."
- Also, an annoyed Mike responding every time a character calls out to Michael.
- All of the jabs involving how Laurie's friends all seem to dislike her.
- The duo's increasing frustration with Michael as the buildup to the first murder ends up encompassing more than half of the film's runtime.
- "I hear there's a nightmare over on Elm Street. A Ring of Devil's Rejects have been holding a Grudge since Friday the 13th and they seem to know what you and others did last summer!"
- The movie opens up with a cloudy sky:Kevin: The Haaaappeniiiiing...
Bill: Die die die die d-death death death d-diediediedie!
- 'A construction worker has fallen to his death:Worker: David?
Mike: David Blaine? Are we rid of you at last?
- At the construction site:Kevin: It's raining men, hallelujah!
- This Actor Allusion:John Leguizamo: Wanna come to my mother's for dinner?
Bill: We're having ground sloth!
- During the scene at Princeton:Mike (as Julien): (yawns) Man, so tired. I could just kill myself...
- One of the fellow survivors begins to panic and Julien tries to calm her down with math problemsJulien: I'm going to tell you a math problem!
Mike: Okay, if five people have four bullets...
- One of the fellow survivors begins to panic and Julien tries to calm her down with math problems
- During the lion attackKevin: Tis but a scratch!
- The lions become a Running Gag for a moment:Mike: Okay, now I just gotta find me some lions. Then I'll finally be on TV like I always wanted.
- The lions become a Running Gag for a moment:
- Mark Wahlberg's character notices a soon revealed to be plastic plant...Mike (as plant): Put a piece of glass in your eyyyyye...C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself? Oh, God, I'm terrible at this!
- One of Rifftrax's many memorable song covers:Kevin: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike!
Mike: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind.
Bill: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark.
Kevin: Really? Which part?
- "Hawt dogs..."
- The boys singing over the creepy siblings' audition song. Including "Short People", the theme to The Facts of Life, "Man! I Feel Like a Woman", "London Calling", "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown", and "Suffragette City".
- Kevin deciding that "Get Cha Head In the Game" means "If you want Head, you should get it In The Game."
- Kelsi trips:Kevin: MY QUIRKINESS!
- A boy does some ballet:
- Troy's reaction after Gabrielle volunteers to audition, complete with wheezing.
- Stick To The Status QuoKevin: The Disney Channel. High schooler's repressed secrets are "I like rap" instead of "Dissecting a fetal pig gave me a boner".
Bill: The most kick-ass cello solo that doesn't involve the phrase "Yo-Yo Ma's drunk again."
- Later, after the song.Chad: Oh let's see, um you miss free period workout yesterday to audition for some heinous musical, and now suddenly people are confessing. Yeah Zeke, Zeke is baking. Crème brûlée.
Troy: Oh. What's that?
Zeke: Oh, it's a creamy custard-like filling with a caramelized surface, it's really satisfying.
Troy: Yeah, cool.
Chad: Shut up, Zeke!
Bill: Zeke would blind him with his pastry torch the very next day.
- "Look at me, and what do you see?" "On the other hand don't answer that!"
- Later, after the song.
- During Chad's first appearance.Chad: (to Troy) Because in two weeks we're going to the championships. With you leading us to infinity and beyond.
Bill: And Disney finally sues Disney.
- "Help!" - A message from the film's editor. Poor bastard never had a chance.
- "If Troy can tell his secret, then I can tell mine. I bake... every night, while watching [adult swim]"
- "Gah! A velociraptor!"
- Kevin's addition to Gabriella's song:Gabriella: Why did I let myself believe/Miracles could happen?
Kevin: And miracles, speaking of those/How do magnets function?
- There's a Running Gag where they frequently joke about how Ms. Darbus is actually a man.
- This scene between Gabriella and TaylorGabriella: What do you know about Troy Bolton?
Mike (as Taylor): That blonde chick with the big eyebrows?
- "His name is Mr. Giggles. He lives inside my head and tells me to set fire to things."
- "Just a friendly warning to the two of you; if either of you ever 'scoot around the corner' in my presence, I will gut you like a trout".
- Bill's Wade the Janitor sketch, which he gets a little too deep into:Bill: Oh, eat me, Nelson!
Mike: Woah! Was that you, or was that Wade the Janitor?
Bill: I...I don't know!
- "YOU go to hell!"
- "This is the moon, on behalf of all natural satellites, please SHUT THE HELL UP."
- The crew making fun of how the main character's accent sounds like Tommy Wiseau's.Kevin: Oh hai-lander!
- Once again making fun of Connor MacLeod's accent.Officer: Where you from?
Connor: Lots of different places.
Kevin: But mostly Switzer-France!
- After Ramírez tells Connor he can't have children.Ramírez: (about Heather, Connor's wife) You must leave her, brother.
Bill: I'm not banging her brother, I'm banging her!
- The numerous references to how much this film resembles Twilight.Bill (as Katniss): Just meeting Edward Cullen, here.
Kevin: Nope, wrong young adult-lit phenom.
Bill: But— but— there's no vampires in this?
Bill: Werewolves? Surely there's werewolves.
Kevin: Nary a one.
Bill: Then what the hell is the point?!
- As the crowd from the Districts assembles for the Reaping:Kevin: The grave look of people going to a Nickelback concert.
- As Rue lies dying:Rue: Can you sing?
Mike (as Katniss): "Shot through the heart/and you're to blame..."
Kevin: Bad choice.
- After Primrose is reaped;Mike (as Primrose): Screw it, I'll see all you Sarahs Plain and Tall in hell.
- The Stinger after Haymitch Abernathy's "Embrace" speech:Haymitch: Embrace the probability of your imminent death, and know, in your heart, that there's nothing I can do to save you.
Kevin: That's how the hostess greets you at Denny's.
- During the ceremony, once all the tributes are in the circle:Mike: So, now the Sorting Hat makes out with the Goblet of Fire, right?
- After the ceremony, backstage:Bill: So can we take off the "X-Men join the Ice-Capades" outfits yet? Or...?
- When Katniss is introduced to the cheering crowd:Mike: Your death better be entertaining!
- When Effie Trinket is picking the male tribute:Effie: And now... for the boys.
Kevin: Come on, girl, that's your cue to shake what your mama gave ya!
- All of the jokes pertaining to "Peeta" being a mispronunciation of "Peter."
- The scene in the training room with the one tribute hanging from the rafters:Mike: Gah! Ceiling Cat has assumed human form!
- "Now excuse me, I need to get back to my shift in a freaky Japanese cartoon."
- The return of the Volturi's "Frankenfurtur moans," applied here to the council.
- While Katniss is trudging through the forest:Kevin: (singing) I believe the children are our future...
- As Katniss' group is ganged-up on by another group of other tributes in the clearing:Bill: I assume the blonde ringleader is a Malfoy of some sort?
- After Katniss points out the improbability of her winning to Gale:Katniss: There's 24 of us, Gale, only one comes out.
Kevin: That's what I scream every time I get on a bus.
- On President Snow, first seen sitting down in a balcony:Kevin: Well there's Waldorf, where's Statler?
- When Katniss shoots the bag of apples, causing them to tumble out:Kevin (as an apple): Freedom!
Mike (as an apple): I'm gonna compare myself to an orange!
Bill (as an apple): I'm gonna stuff a pig in MY mouth!
- And before that:"Apples. The missionary position of the fruit world."
- And before that:
- As she cuts off the tracker jacker-nest:Mike: Well gentlemen, I suppose we better...
Kevin: Yep, nothing for it...
Bill: Agreed guys, okay, on three, one, two, three...
All three: NOT THE BEES!!!!!!!
- As Katniss and Peeta are being chased by the large dog-like creatures towards the end:Bill: Yeah, in the books these things are called "muttations". Not a joke, yet funnier than anything we'll say.
- This moment with Effie Trinket (of which there are many):Effie: Manners!
Bill: Says the woman dressed like Zombie Drag Queen Willy Wonka.
- When we're first introduced to her:Mike: Albino Prince, ladies and gentlemen.
- As she opens a note and reads it:Kevin (as Effie): Ah, hm, let's see... "You look like slutty Mozart." The HELL?
- When we're first introduced to her:
- As they're in the train, coming up on the Capitol, in a nice throwback to the Star Wars riffs:Kevin: It looks like the city where Anakin Skywalker denounced sand!
- The guys singing "I Hope I Get It" as Katniss waits to see the council.
- The entirety of Bill Corbett's rant about Lost.
- The dream where Paris starts to fold:Mike: All this caused by one French mime pulling an invisible rope.
- As Cobb toasts Fischer Sr:Cobb: To your father.
Mike (as Cobb): And may nobody break up his empire. (exaggerated cough)
- There's a Running Gag with the crew making Titanic jokesArthur: (about Mal) What's she doing here?
Kevin (as Cobb): ROSE!?'
- There's another running joke where the crew picks on Ellen Page's character Ariadne by mimicking her way of speaking in Juno.
- "Honest to blog?"
- "I hope my teen pregnancy won't be an issue, yo yo yiggidy yo!
- There's an awesome Shout-Out to a certain infamous movie when Fischer puts a gun to his head within the second dream.
- "Everyone betrayed me!"
- At the end of the film when Cobb tries to test out his totem:Bill (as Cobb): Ah, dammit! Why did I pick a totem with such a long dramatic reveal time?
- Regarding the film's ambiguous ending:Kevin: Wait, so was it still a dream or not!?
Mike: Kevin! The important thing is that no matter how you interpret the ending, you can be called a "homo" on a internet message board for believing it.
Bill: It already happened to me! Twice!
- Why all of humanity on Earth can't live together in peace: Bill O Reilly.
- During the "to nuke or not to nuke" discussion:Mike: Yeah, they're pretending that the subject of nuking Americans doesn't come up pretty much every day on Air Force One.
- Then there's Mike basically name-dropping every American Conspiracy Theory ever.Julius: There was what, in the 1950s, you had the spaceship. The spaceship that you found in New Mexico! Roswell, New Mexico yeah! No, you had the spaceship, and you had the bodies. They were all locked up in a bunker—Area 51!
Mike (as Julius): And then you have the Rothschild, and the Bilderbergs, and The Illuminati, and the Carlyle Group, and the Project for a New American Century, and the Jews controlling the banks, and AAH, I don't know!
- Then there's Mike basically name-dropping every American Conspiracy Theory ever.
- "Why should I listen to you non-tan little pussies?"
- When Will Smith lands hard with a parachute:Kevin: (laughs) Nice landing, if you happen to be a bag of gravel.
- Vice President Stringy-haired Rocker Dude.
- "Hey, it's Adam 'No I'm Not A Baldwin Brother' Baldwin!"
- The guys noticing the strange treatment of Belgiums in the movie.President Whitmore: Today won't just be an American holiday!
Mike: It will be Belgium, too!
- "Find out if they got any superpowers in the blast, 'cause that'd be awesome!"
- When the title shows up:Mike: Finally, the ESPN biopic on Ron Jaworski that I've been clamoring for!
- Kevin's opera note as wrong!shark's mouth is pulled open.
- As the town meets over the recent shark attacks, and Quint scrapes the chalkboard with his nailsBill (as Quint): Attention. I dropped a rolo and I can't find it. So if you find a rolo, it's MINE!
- As the Trio are about to set off to hunt the shark, and Brody is kissing his wife:Quint: Break it up, will ya chief!! Daylight's wastin'!!
Kevin (as Quint): AND YA PROMISED YOU'D SAVE YOUR TENDEREST KISSES FOR ME! YOU BIG GAY YA!
- As the shark pulls Quint under:Bill: Quint? You okay man?
- The shark bursts through the wall:"Oh Yeah!"
- "Thirty-eight colorful and barely coherent Quint stories later..."
- "Day Two; or, as it would come to be known: The day Quint ate Hooper."
- This exchange:Hooper: I should get out of the shark business and chase my real dream of winning the World's Worst Head-Hair, Facial-Hair Combo Award!
Quint: (in the cab of the boat) I'll bet that Hooper kid is anglin' fer my World's Worst Head-Hair, Facial-Hair Combo Award. Be damned if I'm givin' up the throne!
- Quint is being devoured by the shark:Kevin: Well, at least he didn't suffer.
Quint: (screams in pain and coughs up blood)
- The shark pulls away the harpoon Brody was using to stab at it:"I only wanted it because you wouldn't let me have it."
- "The blood of the one shark would draw dozens more from miles around. Once they feasted on Brody, they assembled like Voltron to create a massive super shark which terroized Amity Island by launching smaller sharks at the citizens with its shark-cannon, which was made of even smaller sharks. It was still far less stupid than anything in Jaws The Revenge".
- After the shark is blown up;Brody: Can't wait to rub this in Widow Kintner's face when I show up to collect that award!
- Just after Sokka pops up, we get this gem:"Insta-Douchebag!"
- Iroh: When you wake we'll have tea together before we start the engines, eh?
Bill: Let's go get something to eat, HUUUUUUH?
Aang: YOU'RE LYING!
- Another Room reference occurs soon after the first;
Bill: (in Tommy Wiseau's accent) I never hit you! You are tearing me apart... I don't know, Harpo?
- Kevin (as Pakku): (fending off the Fire Nation with some less than impressive waterbending) Behold the awesome power of my grand-niece's Super Soaker!
- Mike (as Katara): Just F.Y.I., that big flying panda thing of yours... he drowned.
Bill (as Aang): (cries)
Mike (as Katara): And your flying monkey cat.
Bill (as Aang): Yes?
Mike (as Katara): He lived.
Bill (as Aang): (cries harder) Oh dammit! Dammit!
- A soldier walks up and whispers to Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi:
- [When Zuko talks to the boy in the Fire Nation colony]Zuko: You seem like a smart boy.
Bill: I LIKE TURTLES!
Kevin!Zuko: Okay, maybe not...
- Aang: We were forced under the water of the ocean.
Bill: The water of the ocean, much like the air of the sky or the flame of the fire.
- And of course, the obligatory Harpo jokeMike: Wait, that's... I'm ashamed to know this, but that's the Harpo guy from Twilight isn't he?
Kevin: I'm ashamed to confirm, but yes.
Mike: Our shame is great.
Kevin: Perdurable shame.
- An old Earth Kingdom man leads Aang to a shed:Old Man: These are all tools related to bending.
Kevin: Well Harpo's a tool and he's related to a bender.
Bill: Lock him in the shed!
- As the boy narrates Zuko's BackstoryBoy: Fire Lord Ozai burned his son, to teach him a lesson.
Mike: The lesson: Never put the pizza box in the fridge if there's only one slice left.
- As Admiral Zhao confronts the Blue Spirit:Zhao: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
Bill (As Zhao): I mean, I know you're a cosplay character from some lame Anime series, but I can't place you.
- As Zhao briefs Ozai on the Avatar's rescue:Ozai: And you think. My son is this... person they are calling THE Blue Spirit?
Mike: (As Zhao) I don't know where you got that from, sir. Mostly they call him "The Masked Homo".
- Zuko in the Southern Water tribe:Zuko: BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!
Mike (as Zuko): I NEED THEIR PREPERATION H FOR MY FACE OWIES!
- Zuko: Don't even try to escape, THIS IS A WARSHIP!- [Aang flips over a table]
Bill (As Zuko): Ah, in hindsight maybe we should have tried something stronger than saying "Don't even try to escape" at least handcuffs! Something!
Mike (As Iroh): Hey, don't beat yourself up, you said "Don't even try to escape". Who knew he would try to escape despite your saying that? It's not your fault.
Bill (As Zuko): Hmm, thanks man, that really helps.
- "Hello, plot? Motivation? Audience Interest?"
- As Zhao is describing his plans to the king...Zhao: With this information, we can bring down the water tribe city.
(Ozai's actor looks toward the camera)
Kevin (as Zhao): King? King, YO! I'm over here king!
- PEBBLE DANCEKevin: Let us never speak of what just happened again.
- A bunch of fire nation soldiers running awayMike: Those guys aren't running from Aang, they just got accused of eyeing some lady's lemon drink back there.
- Several Scenes Later.Kevin: Oh no, it's the wind from The Happening.
Mike: What? Ma'am, no, not the wind!
- Several Scenes Later.
- Aang practicing waterbendingMike (As Aang): Oh great water god Matthew McConaughey, grant that I may remain forever shirtless.
Bill: (in southern accent) Well, alright...
- Yue doing her thing.Bill: Almost as dramatic as the time the earth princess sacrificed her life for the dead ficus tree.
- Oh,sure his light up tattoo looks fancy, but it's just there to remind him where his nose is.
- The whole practice area sequence
- Also, airline safety dance.
- Introducing Zhao: The Daily Show's Senior Taking-a-Role-for-the-Paycheck Correspondent. And also:Zhao: (spotting Zuko's ship) The banished Prince. Let's offer him lunch.
Mike: Which one of you two can yell the loudest?
- Run! M. Night's making his cameo back there!
- Kevin (as Zuko) I have no time to think about girls when I'm obsessing over a 12-year-old boy. Wait. That Came Out Wrong.
- As Zhao dies a watery death:
- "Hey, Mr. Avatar, you're causing all the toilets in town to back up."
- Any time Aang is referred to as a Jawa.
- Iroh's first appearance:Kevin: Hey, man, like, what have you done with Cheech, man?
- Iroh tests Aang's Avatar abilities by pouring water on the table:Bill: When the blind serve drinks.
- Zhao sees Zuko again:Zhao: I killed you!
Mike (as Zuko): I got better.
- After knocking Katara out:Zuko: I'm not allowed to go without him.
Kevin (as Katara): (perkily) That's nice; I'm unconscious!
- One of the title cards:Mike: You know, I tried reading the Water book; I found it a little dry.
- "So do you think they mean 'bender' the way British people use it?" "Google it, folks!"
- Kevin vocalizing Aang's Dull Surprise while entering the Northern Water Tribe.
- When a Firebender looks up at the wave caused by Aang, turns around and points to it - "Frag One!"
- After Zhao removes his cape and nervously puts it down - "I'll take off more. Don't think I won't take off more!"
- During Katara's opening scene, showing her waterbending."Ultimately BP resorted to witchcraft to clean up the Gulf."
- As Aang fights off a horde of Fire Nation soldiers in a stone dais thing:Bill: ''(thoughtfully)' You know, that looks like a lot of effort. He should just get a gun.
- When Zhao is about to kill the moon spirit and asks Iroh why the gods insist on giving themselves such vulnerable physical forms:Iroh: To teach man kindness and humility.
(Close up of the sack holding the soon-to-be-dead moon spirit)
Kevin: Workin' out great.
- As all the soldiers/citizens stop to watch the tidal wave rising up over the city during the climactic final battle:Mike: You know, if it were me, I'd try and resist the urge to look up in wonder and just go around stabbing the other guys until they caught on to me.
- Kevin singing Macarena as Aang is doing martial arts (sorta).
- The attempt to practice water-dancing is interpreted by Mike and Kevin as them trying to act like flight attendants doing the safety demonstration.
- At the very beginning:Kevin: This looks familiar... Oh yeah, it's footage from my vacation to Hell.
Bill: That's El Paso.
Kevin: Like I said, Hell.
- Many Take That! riffs aimed at Texas ensue.
- On another scene of The Master showing his robe.
- At one point, The Master's dog stares directly into the camera.Kevin (as Demon Dog): I miss Michael Vick.
(During the Live Show, the audience loudly groaned, evoking a "What? WHAT?" from Kevin.)
- Peppy, the family's little dark-haired poodle, is found dead. Response?Mike: Well, I guess it's true: The black character always dies first.
- The nighttime scene of the two teens making out gets depicted as "white trash" version of Twilight. At the Live Show, the Crew took a bow to thunderous applause after the riff.
- When Debbie is revealed as one of The Master's future "wives", naturally the Rifftrax crew reacted in horror, but subverted by Bill admitting it wasn't nearly as creepy as Toddlers & Tiaras.
- The Awkward Silence and Meaningful Looks were allowed to play without riffing (which was only accompanied by the natural unscripted chuckle by one or more of the riffers), to great comedic effect.
- The end of the "Peeping Torgo" scene, after the expected jokes regarding Torgo's pervy peeping, when Margaret turns to see the window empty and Torgo-less.
- When the Master starts beating the First Wife and tearing her clothes off.Kevin (as wife): Go ahead, lightly slap me and spread jelly on my cheek! And take my... toilet paper ration or whatever that was!
- The Running Gag involving Burt's the motel manager's missing pet raccoon.
- "SHIRTS! SHIRTS! THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!"
- At the end of the film:Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, and welcome to Rifftrax...
- "MEMENTO: HOT, BACKING UP ACTION, PULLING CAREFULLY FORWARD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!"
- When Nestor returns home as Roger Miller sings:Mike (as Nestor): Guy that beat me and killed my mother, you're my best friend of all!
- Mike and Disembaudio arguing over the appropriateness of Mike using the word "ass" to describe the donkey narrator.
- "A belt and suspenders? His pants must not just fall down, they must try to run away!"
- When Michael's having a go at driving and can't keep from jostling the rig:Hawk: "Hey, way to go, son! You know, I always wanted to be a milkshake!"Mike!Hawk: "But I didn't even have the grades for that!"
- Mike's quip when Hawk is visited in jail by his son:"Don't worry, Michael; I've been saving up a special Monopoly card for just such an occasion."
- The question Mike poses at the very unpleasant close-up of Bull Hurley's sweaty gourd:"Bull's face, or a bull's ass?"
- The repeated shrieks from the group when they think they are supposed to be scared (i.e. seeing the keys have been knocked on the floor) and their general resentment of the rest of the film is pure gold.
- Kevin being so nauseated by the prospect of the two characters having sex, he declares whenever he thinks its going to happen, he will instead think of Tommy Wiseau and his "Gristley Ass" in the sex scenes of The Room, much to the horror of the other two who begin to see it themselves.
- The riffers making fun of, among other things about Micah, his name:Micah: Show yourself!
Mike: When guys named "Micah" try to act tough, we all lose.
Kevin: Parents, more evidence that naming your child "Micah" never ends well.
Mike: By the way, guys, just wanted to correct a little error I've let go for too long: my name is spelled M-I-K-E, but it's pronounced "Meek".
Bill: Yeah, don't trash-talk the phantoms when your name is "Micah"; it's not gonna work.
- (Doorbell rings)
Bill: Demon~! I'll just leave 'im on the porch, okay?
(Katie answers the door)
Bill: (growly, demonic voice) '"COME WITH ME TO HELL!!!"
- (Pretending to read with the planchette on Ouija board): T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S
- Micah: You got a problem?
Kevin: Yo, I'll solve it...
- The riffers' reaction to the ridiculously small areas where Micah puts powder on the ground to pick up the demon's footprints:"And, provided the thing can't jump or take an average sized stride, we WILL catch it!"
- The talk the riffers have about a Hollywood adaptation of Goodnight Moon, in which they believe Shia Leboeuf is destined for the role as the bowl of mush.
- Mike: So let me introduce you to someone who IS familiar with demons; his name is Michael Bay.
- Micah: Hey, we haven't had anything interesting happen in a while!
Bill: Wow, he's doing our job for us.
Mike: This might be our first self-riffing movie!
- And this:Micah: [Demons] stalk people for years, like, decades. Sometimes they're really intelligent in the way they do things.
Bill: So intelligent that they could put your keys on the ground or even move a door.
- Upon seeing the shipwreck in the beginning:Mike: Shia Labeouf Buys A Yacht, Day One.
- "Mmmm... would you like some dignity, sir?"
- When Captain Barbossa dies and his apple falls to the ground:Kevin: Dibs! Wait... you don't think that apple's cursed, do you?
Mike: Uh... no.
- "His walk is John Wayne plus Carol Channing divided by Daffy Duck.
- The references to Bill's lost year in Colonial Williamsburg.
- On a character named Gillette: "Are you really the best a man can get?"
- "Hmm, I would like to visit Kira... Nightly, in fact".
- Bill's constant mention of Keira's lack of breasts.Bill: (is feeling Elizabeth's chest) There's literally nothing there! (Elizabeth takes out her necklace)
Kevin (as Will): Oh, that was the lump I felt.
- After Blain spits some tobacco on Dillon's shoe:Dillon: That's a nasty habit you have.
- Dillon: What the fuck?
Mike: —is what Minnesotans said when they woke up the next morning to discover they elected him governor.
- After emptying the ammo bin on a minigun.
- Dillon looking up after one of the other teammates gets his head vaporized.Mike: Dillon is suddenly struck with the urge to watch Scanners when he gets home.
- Mike lampshades some good ol' Rock Beats Laser.Mike: So their species managed space travel and invisibility cloaking despite the fact that they're utterly befuddled when the enemy covers themselves in filth? Our earthworms could conquer their planet inside of ten days!
- Wade narrates about Hailday over some rather unflattering press conference footage:Wade: [Hailday] was like a god...
Mike: A slack-jawed god, who caught flies in his mouth and reeked of BO...
Hailday: Maybe we should stop talking about it, and start, uh, showing it. If you all reach under your, uhm, seats, you'll find that... there is nothing there. (awkward chuckle)
Kevin: He was like a god! ...Of bad wedding-toasts, Lord of Dad-jokes!
- The race for the first key begins and involves a motorcycle:Mike: Some fanboy just got a boner wondering if that might be Ghost Rider.
Bill: (exasperated sigh) It's, uhm... It's an involuntary response, Mike!
- King Kong appears atop the Empire State Building:
- Art3mis makes a last desperate shot at getting to the finish line of the race:Wade: She's not gonna make it!
Mike: Oh, no! (panicked) She'll have to try again tomorrow!
- The Riffers are not very impressed by Art3mis's avatar:
- When Wade and Art3mis try testing each other's knowledge on Haliday, Kevin makes the following dry, but succinct comment:Kevin: Gatekeeping: The Motion Picture!
- At end of said conversation:Mike: Can we go back to "grown man whose favorite restaurant is Chuck E. Cheese"?
- At end of said conversation:
- Wade explains in his Internal Monologue how he got his name:Wade: "Wade Watts"... My dad picked that name, because it sounded like a superhero's alter ego...
Kevin (as Wade): He was emotionally unprepared for fatherhood.
- Another popular 80's pop song begins playing before a cutaway:Kevin: Anyway; here's another beloved song to make you think that what you're watching is better than it is.
- Wade sees a recreation of a moment from Hailday's past:Hailday: I'm a dreamer. I build worlds.
Bill (as Hailday): Worlds where men in their 40s pretend to get Knuckles pregnant.
- At the end of the recreation, Wade realizes that Haliday left a clue inside it:Hailday: Maybe we should go backwards... Really put the pedal to the metal! (laughs) Bill and Ted did it...
Kevin (as Wade): That's it! I've got to kill Alex Winter!
- At the end of the recreation, Wade realizes that Haliday left a clue inside it:
- It is lampshaded how unlikely it is that the secret to win the race was to drive backwards went undiscovered for 5 years.Kevin: People compete for years to shave off half-a-second from the Metroid World Record, but, sure, nobody thought to drive backwards!
- As Wade cross the finishing line to the race:Bill: And, of course, he's hit by a Blue Shell.
- Anorak tells Wade to "get a clue", and points him towards a scroll:Mike: The clue just says: (nerdy voice) "Y-you remember Goonies?"
- Wade goes on a shopping spree and buys an immersion-enhancing bodysuit, Mike cannot help but bring up a rather disturbing quote from the book:Wade: An X-1 hepatic bootsuit!
Mike (as Wade): (overjoyed) God, I hope it has more discreet openings than a boy can ever dream!
- Mike's description of Sorrento's avatar:Mike: He said: "Make my avatar look like the child of Patrick Warburton and Robert Z'Dar."
Bill: That's extremely accurate.
- Wade looks up information about Haliday's first date:Art3mis: What? Hailday actually went on a date?
Bill: (scoffs) "Date"? Yeah, he wacked it to Next Generation fanfic. Same thing.
- Art3mis: H-hold the phone! Hailday went on a date? With Ogden Morrow's wife?!
Mike: Almost as shocking a revelation as: "Hailday had his own Brony Jar."
- Aech warns Wade not to take his cyber-date with Art3mis too seriously:Aech: She could be a dude too, dude!
Bill (as Wade): You take that back! (crying) Nobody's ever lied on the Internet!
Aech: "She" could actually be a 300-pound dude living in his momma's basement in suburban Detroit. And "her" name is Chuck.
Kevin: Well, now he's turned on.
Aech: Think about that!
Bill (as Wade): "Chuck"? Mmmmmm...
- I-R0k sits down at a booth in the bar, and tells its occupants, three female avatars to "Get out of here."Kevin: Well, that would also be my advice to any women when T.J. Miller walks into the room.
- Wade, smitten with Art3mis, asks her about her real name:Kevin (as Art3mis): Okay, fine! I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson!
- Art3mis and Wade discusses online relationships:Art3mis: You only see what I want you to see! That's what you're in love with!
Kevin: That, and correcting strangers online, when they get a detail wrong about Darkwing Duck's origin story.
- Art3mis then calls Wade out on his easygoing attitude:Art3mis: This isn't a game, Z!
Bill (as Wade): Are you sure? 'Cause it really looks like one!
- Art3mis then calls Wade out on his easygoing attitude:
- Sorrento tries to bribe Wade, telling him that he can even get him the Millennium Falcon if he joins up with IOI:Mike (as Wade): Nah, the Millennium Falcon is in, like, eight movies a year now. Who cares?
- Wade and Samantha are speaking quietly together when:Samantha: (in sudden realization) OH, SHIT!
Bill (as Samantha): I'm falling for a vapid doofus!
- When inside The Shining simulation, the Grady twins addresses Aech as "Danny":Mike: Eh, easy mistake. Aech does look just like a five-year-old riding a tricycle.
- The Shining simulation suddenly goes seriously Off the Rails:Mike: Ah, yes, the famous "Old-Lady-knife-fight"! Classic scene from The Shining!
- And then a giant axe-wielding version of the Woman in Room 217 appears:Bill: Interesting decision to pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick by reimagine his movie as outrageously stupid.
- Art3mis points out that maybe the simulation isn't supposed to be like the original film:Bill: Then what THE HELL IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!
- And then a giant axe-wielding version of the Woman in Room 217 appears:
- The ballroom with dancing zombies scenes:Bill: The Walking Dead has kinda lost its focus, don't you think?
Kevin: (chuckles) Yeah.
- Mike: Hailday loved this girl so much that he created a simulation of her being eternally haunted by dancing zombies ghosts. It's very touching... Uh, creepy. I mean, it's very creepy.
- Art3mis gets her hands on the scroll containing the clue to the final key:Mike: I'd say there is a 30% chance the next clue is just the lyrics to "Walk the Dinosaur".
- IOI tries their hand at winning The Shining simulation. This is being shown as a room full of screaming IOI employees:Mike (as Sorrento): Would you please stop hiring recent trauma victims!?
- When the IOI raids the resistance compound, Samantha leads Wade to an escape hatch:Samantha: (opens hatch) This leads right to the ally!
Wade: You first!
Samantha: I'll be right behind you! Go, now!
(Wade enters the hatch)
Kevin (as Samantha): HA! Incinerator, you idiot! BURN!
- Shoto's real life identity of an 11-year-old Chinese kid is revealed:Bill: (exasperated sigh) Motion to just call him "Short Round" and be done with it?
- I-R0k and Sorrento meet once more:Sorrento: I-R0k, how are we doing?
I-R0k: (deep inhale) To be honest, I think I need physical therapy, because—
Sorrento: Is the orb ready?
Bill: Even this movie is tired of T.J. Miller's schtick... (whispers) And they hired him for it.
- Sorrento sits in his VR chair with a smug expression on his face:Kevin (as Sorrento): Ah! I gotta be honest; installing a toilet in this thing was the best decision I ever made.
- Wade and Toshiro confronts Sorrento in person at gunpoint:Wade: Where is she?
Sorrento: How'd you get in here?
Wade: Samantha Cook! Where is she?
Bill (as Wade): And don't pull that "the princess is in another castle" crap on me!
- Sorrento tries to call Wade's bluff:Wade: You killed my mom's sister! ...You think I won't kill you?
Mike: (bemused) "My mom's sister"? One day we will come up with a word for that.
- Sorrento tries to call Wade's bluff:
- Wade instructs Samantha on how to escape from her IOI cell by using the manual release handles:Mike: See? This is why I never install release levers inside the writing cells here at RiffTrax.
Kevin: (whispers) Mike! Don't say "cells"!
Mike: Uh, offices!
Mike: I said "offices"! (whispers) You're the one who said cells, not me...
- Samantha opens her IOI cell.Automated system: Loyalty Pod 418, you are on an authorized break for 10 minutes.
Bill: Apple's Chinese employees are in awe over these generous perks.
- Samantha opens her IOI cell.
- Samantha asks Wade for Sorrento's password:Bill (as Samantha): Wait, dumb question. As a CEO he clearly uses Two-step Authenticat— Eh, no? No.
- Samantha looks through Sorrento's files:
- Wade makes his "World of Cardboard" Speech:Wade: ...And yes. I know it's kind of a groaner... I found love.
Bill (as Wade): Well, uh, I-I met her yesterday... But she's really swell!
- Three cuts later and...Kevin: Oh, god! He's still talking!?
Bill: What a windbag!
- Three cuts later and...
- Helen activates the Iron Giant in her workshop:Bill: Yeah, noted implement of violence, the Iron Giant.
Mike: Next, Art3mis charges her avatar to a shirtless, asskicking Ghandi.
- As the Grunter army rallies behind Wade:
- The IOI company is running out of Atari games to test:IOI lieutenant: One minute into Sword Quest, the ice broke.
(IOI researcher crossing out Sword Quest on a board with many other game titles)
Mike (as IOI researcher): (resigned) Well... Time to try Custer's Revenge...
- Aech tries to help out Wade:
- Sorrento activates his Mechagodzilla:Art3mis: It's Mechagodzilla!
(Mechagodzilla roars triumphantly)
Mike: A reminder: Sorrento is sitting in his chair, roaring.
- Daito decides to counter Mechagodzilla by activating his Gundam, and the two mechs duke it out:
- Sorrento finds out that Samantha has been sabotaging him:Sorrento: (to his underlings) She never left! She's still here!
Bill: Yeah, those are synonyms. Be a more efficient CEO, huh?
- Wade explains the Easter Egg in Adventure:Wade: You don't find it by winning. You find it by wandering around in a dark room!
Kevin: Also how the script for this film was written.
Mike: (laughs heartedly)
- Wade: I will never let the future of the Oasis rest in your hands, Norlan Sorrento!
Kevin: Thanks for stating character names once every hour in this thing! (whispers) ...Are we in hour five yet?
Bill: (whispers) I-I assume so...
Kevin: (whispers) I'm so lost!
- Sorrento recovers in the real world after getting kick in the crotch by Wade:Bill: Script reads here: "Billionaire CEO rips off plastic codpiece, hands it to assistant."
Kevin: (shudders in disgust)
- A subverted Title Drop, when it turns out that Wade survived the explosion:Karatsu: See! He is still alive!
Bill: You might say that he is Player One and he is... all set? Uh, expectant? I can't think of any other way to say it.
- The Doritos Product Placement:Kevin: Doritos! Because if you've watch this far, you're clearly a fan of garbage!
- Samantha being strangely apprehensive upon seeing Helen in real life:Helen: Yeah... I know. Not what you're where expecting, huh?
Samantha: (trying to play her surprise off as a joke) Yeah, I wasn't expecting a late '30s-model postal van.
Kevin (as Samantha): I am deeply racist, though. So this isn't gonna work.
- Samantha being surprised upon discovering that Wade is still in the game:Samantha: How come you're still playing?
Wade: Extra life. Long story. Sorry I shot you.
Bill (as Wade): Hack author. Deus ex machina. Cybersex later?
- Samantha is also surprised by Shoto/Karatsu's real life appearance:Mike: Why does everyone react with gape-mouthed shock when they meet an 11-year-old boy who likes video games?
- Wade later exposits on a livestream about how the Easter Egg in Adventure works:Wade: You just had to blindly play, searching around in rooms for an invisible dot.
Mike: Oh... Sounds aimless and unsatisfying. A perfect fit for this movie!
- Wade then dramatically reveals what the Easter Egg itself is:Wade: ...And that's where you found the first Easter Egg ever put in a video game: the creator's name.
Kevin: Prompting kids who found it to say: "Big deal!" and "This guy sure is full of himself, huh?"
- Wade then dramatically reveals what the Easter Egg itself is:
- Halliday as Anorak heavily slurs his words as he tries to speak dramatically:Kevin: Why is the Chessmaster so drunk?
- Anorak asks Wade to sign the paper that makes the Oasis his. Wade sits with the pen in his hand and hesitates:Bill (as Wade): (apologetic) Oops... I never learned how to write in cursive...
- Wade guesses that the contract Anorak asks him to sign is another test. Anorak tells him that he is right:Anorak: Oh, good. I just need to be sure.
Mike (as Anorak): ...And to complete the Willy Wonka rip-off.
Kevin: Jeez! And we didn't even get a "You lose! Good day, sir!"
- Wade guesses that the contract Anorak asks him to sign is another test. Anorak tells him that he is right:
- Halliday drops the Anorak disguise and takes Wade to a simulation of his childhood room:Wade: (amazed) This is where you grew up!
Bill (as Wade): (in the same amazed tone) You were a privileged, upper-middle class, white guy and yet you overcame it all!
- Halliday remarks on the presence of his younger self in the simulation:Halliday: Oh, that's just me, a long time ago. I like to have him around from time to time...
Mike (as Young Halliday): Please help! Teach me some sports!
- Halliday points a Big Red Button to Wade:Halliday: This is the button. If you push it, the whole simulation shuts down...
Kevin: Ooh, including that Rush poster behind you?
Bill: PUSH IT! PUSH IT NOW!
- And Bill gets an extra dig in:Halliday: I created the Oasis, because I never felt at home in the real world.
Bill: Yeah, again, the Rush poster makes that kinda clear.
- And Bill gets an extra dig in:
- Halliday's avatar struggles to actually remember where he put the Egg that would make Wade the official owner of the Oasis:Kevin: If the rest of the movie was him looking for the Egg and muttering, it would be art.
- Halliday remarks on the presence of his younger self in the simulation:
- Halliday hands Wade the Egg, making his suit's hand glow with a golden light:Mike: Huh, impressive! His moment of triumph looks lame in the real world and the imaginary world.
- Wade has some last questions for Halliday:Wade: Mr. Halliday... You're not an avatar are you?
Bill (as Halliday): You think I chose this look?
Wade: Is Halliday really dead?
Mike (as Wade): Does that mean it will be okay for us to... kiss? (hastily) I'm just curious!
- The Riffers question the presence of the young Halliday:Bill (as Wade): Uhm... Why the boy version of you...?
Kevin (as Halliday): I just don't seem twisted... I really am!
- Wade has some last questions for Halliday:
- As the triumphant High Five group is cheer by a crowd:Bill (as Crowd Member): We're cheering because a corporation charged ownership!
Mike (as Crowd Member): We love acquisition deals! Yes!
Kevin (as Crowd Member): Yaaay!
- Wade realizes how much Halliday treasured his friendship with Ogden Morrow:Wade: It was you, Mr. Morrow! I mean... You were the Rosebud.
Mike (as Odgen): "Rosebud"? That's not from the 80s! I don't know what that is, and I won't respond to it!
- Odgen considers Wade's words:Odgen: You know, Jim used to say that the Oasis was never supposed to be a one-player game.
Kevin (as Odgen): ...But then, he also said that his favorite restaurant was Chuck E. Cheese's, so...
- Odgen considers Wade's words:
- The Riffers tries to consider the (Broken) Aesop of the film:Mike: Okay, so the message is: "It's good to be obsessed with the stuff you're obsessed with, and you should be rewarded for it, but you should also feel bad because it doesn't really matter"?
Kevin: As clear as a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi!
Bill: I'm really not sure what happened here, guys...
- ♪"I fell in to a burnin' Reign of Fire!/ McConaughey peeled off his shirt/ and the flames got higher!"♪
- When a man and a boy explore a cave:Man: (to Boy) Why don't you go inside and have a wee look?"
Kevin (as Man): That way, when I hear your muffled screams, I'll be able to estimate the size of the cave-in."
Mike: Well, they drilled right into the side of the Batcave, killing Alfred and Robin instantly. Batman remains in intensive care.
- (As a child) "YAY!!! I get to sleep in the same room with a depressed, hairy man!!!!"
- "My ugly senses are tingling!"
- (About the dragon) "Are we gonna get a bigger boat? We need a bigger boat."
- "INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING!!!" "Yeah, well, INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING BACK AT YOU!!!!!"
- This moment:Kevin: That's right men—vigorously defend our smelly crap-hole!
Mike (doing a damn good Winston Churchill impression): We will fight to the cistern. We will fight to the garbage-strewn towers. We will fight to the dank, rat-infested basement. We will NEVER SURRENDER!!!...Probably.
- "Alright, just like we practiced men: panic and scatter. Panic and scatter!"
- Any scene where they make fun of Matthew McConaughey (there are too many to list).
- "Brian Cox hasn't seen apes this organized since he faced Johnny Chimpo in Super Troopers!
- The entire monologue about "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!". "Do you still keep in touch with them? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it purely sexual?"
- When the line, "That guy over there is fucking Dalton!" is said, Mike says, "Well, stop him then!".
- Dalton: Nobody ever wins in a fight.Mike: I learned that in my Zen Bullshit class.
- Every sex scene is greeted with horror by any who watch them, but especially when Kevin sees Tommy Wiseau's pasty white rear end.Kevin: DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock)
- Lisa orders a pizza:Lisa: Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese.
Mike: Ah yes, Domino's WTF-special.
- Kevin and Bill singing "There's a Hole in My Bucket", and taking it too far.Mike: No, NOT HAMBONE!
- The mention of Loverboy gives Mike an Earworm of Working For the Weekend.
- The Disembaudio sequences during the movie's sex scenes. This movie manages to destroy the lives of Disembaudio and all of his friends and family.
- Though with the exception of Dis's Grandmother and G-Dimes, and we guess Walter, they were all pretty horrible people and kinda deserved it. When the joke achieves Brick Joke status at the fourth sex scene, and becomes an obvious set up that Mike, Kevin and Bill know is coming, when "Nana Baudio" enters, it's just riotous.
- Disembaudio's rant about his addiction to horse tranquilizers and the fact that he's committed several murders recently will probably bring tears to your eyes. That becomes a Brick Joke as well.Bill: Why don't you let me just inject horse tranquilizers right into your eye.
Disembaudio: (popping in) Is that an open offer?!
Mike: Please leave.
- The running gags on the football motif, the mom's cancer everytime she is mentioned or shown, and Johnny saying "Oh hai" to everything. There's more.
- When Denny goes into the bedroom before Johnny and Lisa's sex scene...Mike (as Johnny): Oh hi, Denny.
- During the rooftop conversation scene...Bill (as Johnny): Think I'd miss a chance to say, "Oh hai, Movie Theater!"?
Mike (as Johnny): I guess what I'm saying is, "Oh hai, Denny".
- Followed later by...
- When Johnny returns home...
- When Johnny arrives back at the apartment and sees Michelle as she's leaving...Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Michelle!
- After she leaves and Johnny looks at Lisa...Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Lisa!
- After she leaves and Johnny looks at Lisa...
- "Don't talk like that."Kevin (as Johnny): Talk like me. "Oh hai, Denny".
- During the "me underwears" scene in the alley...Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Underwear Story!
- When Johnny sets up a recorder next to the answering machine so that he can "record everything"...Bill:Look at the concentration on his face, you can almost hear his mind working saying, "Oh hi, Answering Machine!".
- When Mark arrives while Johnny talks with Peter the Psychiatrist...Johnny: Oh hai, Mark, come in.
Mark: Oh, hey, Johnny.
Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Mark, again.
- As Johnny goes to a cafe and passes a reservoir...Kevin: It's a reservoir dog, now with actual reservoir.
Mike: And real dog.
Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Doggie.
- When Michelle and Lisa have another talk...Mike (as Lisa): I try to, but he just kept greeting me!
Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Lisa!
- On a shot of a random building in San Fransisco...Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Building!"
- As Johnny walks home and there's a shot of the Ferry Building...Bill (as Johnny):Oh hai, Embarcadero! Do you know that I love Lisa so much? She's so beautiful and sexy.
- Before Johnny enters a darkened room where his birthday party takes place...Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Darkness!
- When Johnny commits suicide...Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Gun Barrel!
- After Johnny's suicide...Bill (as Johnny): A gloomy peace this morning with it brings. The sun... or sorrow — Oh hai, Mark!
- As everybody cries over Johnny's corpse after his suicide...Mike (as Johnny): Oh hai, Mark, hai, Denny, hai, Lisa, I'm dead, you know, hahaha... Now that everyone betrayed me, I'll come back to haunt you while you sleep or shower, haha. Okay, bye-bye doggie.
- And at the end:Bill: Oh hi, Mike!
Kevin: Oh hi, Bill!
Mike: Okay, enough already. Join us again next time at RiffTrax.com!
Kevin: Oh hi, RiffTrax!
- When Denny goes into the bedroom before Johnny and Lisa's sex scene...
- After Johnny commits suicide:Lisa: I lost him, but I still have you, right? Right??
Mike (as Mark): Yeah... about that, um—
Mark: You don't have me. You'll never have me.
Bill (as Mark): I'm unhaveable! I am Mark!
- After one bizarre and inexplicable piece of dialogue after another between Peter, Johnny, and Mark:Bill: We have fully descended into madness, gentlemen, and we're not even at the one hour mark.
Kevin: I can't take anymore!
Mike: Really? CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP Chicken, Kevin. You're just a little chicken. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!
- Kevin compares Tommy Wiseau's multiple production credits as producer, writer, director, and actor as a modern M. Night Shyamalan. Mike tells Kevin not to insult Tommy Wiseau with that comparison.
- The riff about of Lisa and her friends discussing which one of them is Edward Cullen's wife
- When Lisa leaves Johnny:Bill (as Johnny): So, no birthday presents? (pause) Y-You know I was really hoping that I'd get a flowbee. Nothing...?
- When Johnny wrecks his room:
- When Johnny says something unintelligible:Kevin: He's speaking in tongues!
Mike: Oh no, I clearly heard him say (says some gibberish).
- When Johnny smashes his mirror:Kevin (as Johnny): I hate you, guy who looks like me!
- When Johnny commits suicide:Bill: Oh hai gun barrowuhl!
- After Johnny's suicide:Kevin (as Denny): JOHNNY, WHERE DID YOU PUT THE FOOTBALL?!?!
- A Call-Back to, of all things, Prince of Space! "I like you VERY MUCH!"
- After Johnny and Mark fight:Johnny: It's not over! Everybody betrayed me! I'm fed up with this world!
Kevin: I'm going back to BrazilaRomaniSlovakia...Stan.
- When Denny goes to the rooftop to talk with Johnny:Mike (as Denny): Hey, are my drug problems over?
- During Johnny's birthday party.Bill: All right, now where's the monster from Cloverfield when you really need it?
- "Denny: named after the restaurant where his mom gave birth between dishwashing shifts."
- "Eurotrash infesting your bathroom? Call 1-800-EU'RE-OUT!"
- During a moment between Lisa and Mark:Lisa: This is between you and me.
Mike: And Denny, who's videotaping us from the window
- After Johnny and Denny talk and the scene suddenly cut to Alcatraz for some reason:Kevin: Denny was sentenced to 50 years in Alcatraz and died in prison.
- "Just so I'm not blindsided, help me with the five senses: there's sight, smell, touch, taste, and the ability to control thunderstorms, right?Bill: No no, sight is not one of them.
Bill: Scratch that off and add the ability to calm an angry German.
Mike: Uh, where does that leave everybody's naturally occurring Christopher Walken impression?
Kevin: I think that is the Sixth Sense that is the subject of this movie.
- "I got flowers, but I paid a bum to eat them."
- "You're not a freak."Mike: You're an abomination.
- At Cole standing alone in the street in front of his school.Kevin: Look familiar, Mike?
Mike: What do you mean? He's not on the ground being kicked and taunted.
- Cole, while riding a bus, passes by a cemetery and is cheerfully greeted by everyone buried there. Well one of them isn't so nice:Bill (as Ghost): You suck, Cole!
- The entire wake scene is full of glorious Black Comedy.
- When they see a woman crying her eyes out:Man: Can you get some water?
Kevin: She's gonna gargle the Star Spangled Banner.
- "I believe funeral etiquette requires a lllladies."
- They have one of the mourners reveal that he's only there to take advantage of vulnerable women.
- "Let's see, snuff film, snuff film, snuff film...AH! Various episodes of Suddenly Susan?!"
- They make it so Cole is selling candy rather than searching for Kira's father while holding a box that contains evidence of her murder.
- "She would've been hot, sir. In seven or eight years, I would've been all up in that. So sorry about your loss."
- "What stings even more? That he's a salesman for Pinesol."
- Cole gives Kira's sister her favorite puppet:Cole: You liked it, she said.
Mike (as the Sister): Yeah, I was just being nice.
- When they see a woman crying her eyes out:
- "If you remarry I'll drop a piano on his head."
- The return of this Running Gag:Anna's Boyfriend: You don't need a guy with a Master's degree, you need a wrestler with a neck as big as his head.
Anna: No, I need a wrestler with a Master's.
Bill: BOOOOONESAAAAAW'S GOT A MASTER'S!!!
- After the Roughnecks find out the distress call was a trap...General Owen: We're gonna die! Don't you understand?!
Mike: That was me 10 minutes into Transformers 3.
- "SMILE-TRON 4000 ENGAGED."
- When Carmen pilots her ship for the first time: "Steady as she goes, Number Two"Kevin: AS she goes number two?
Bill: Yeah, that'll be points off on the exam...
- During the Battle of Klendathu:Mobile Infantry Squad Leader: Follow me!
Kevin: Follow me, but try to be original okay?! Make the war your own!
- After the extraction from the base where the distress call was a trap:Zander: (to Carmen) I think you should know...
Mike (as Zander): ...you're gonna be the worst Bond Girl.
- During the shower sceneMike: I'm throwin' my lot with the bugs. How bout you guys?
Bill: Mike, you can't sell out humanity for a few man asses.
Bill: You know what? Go Bugs.
- Afterward, during the video call when someone moons the camera:
Kevin: Go Bugs.
- During Rico's administrative punishment.Bronski: (Whipping Rico) One!Kevin: Singular sensation! Every little step she takes!Mike: Not a good time Kevin!
- April tries desperately to explain the existence of the Turtles to her boss without sounding completely delusional (and failing miserably):Bernadette Thompson: I just want to be clear. You are now telling me that there are four six-foot talking turtles walking around New York City, and no one has seen them but you?
Bill: Well, me and David Icke.
- "Oh, no. My worst fears have been realized."Mike: I'm Tony Shalhoub, and I'm voicing a rat.
- April stands on of a New York rooftop:Mike: Ooh, be careful a Michael Jackson music video can break out any minute.
- "She's somehow the least realistic thing in this scene."
- "Heheheh, your sons? You think you're their father?"
- "'Where is the fourth?' and 'Destroy this place' are the things I said right before and right after Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull...figure that one out."
- "Inside those turtles is the most precious compound on Earth."Bill: Half-digested delivery pizza.
- "Michael." (Kevin cracks up)
- The guys compare the Turtles' yells to women in the middle of giving birth, which results in a chuckle every time the Turtles scream in the final battle.
- "Grunting equals drama."Bill: NUH!
- Capt. Smith as the Titanic sets off.Kevin: I'm going to sink this bitch!
- Also counts as a CMOF for Mystery Science Theater 3000, as this line was also used when Mike and the 'Bots viewed clips of Titanic during an Oscar special.
- As Rose, Ruth, and Cal admire the Titanic:Ruth: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.
Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship.
Deckhand: Sir! Sir!
Bill (as Deckhand): Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing!
Jack: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?!
Bill: Aw, man, Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!
- When the camera zooms in on young!Rose's and then zooms in then out, seguing into old!Rose's eye, the cast hum soothing, romantic music, until the eye starts to change, when they go "AAARGH, GRRRRRGH URGH, OH-OHMYGOD!"Mike (as Old Rose): He drew me for 70 years.
- As the flashback starts to the ship:Kevin (singing in a soprano voice): ♪CGI! CGI! CGI...SHIP!♪
- Jack: Come on!
Bill: Into Molly Brown's changing room... OH MY GOD!!! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!
- The riffers give voices to that happy pod of dolphins that Jack sees.Kevin!Dolphin: YOUR PROPELLERS KILLED MY FAMILY! I VOW REVEEENGE!
Mike!Dolphin: I join your quest for revenge!
Bill!Dolphin: Let's tow an iceberg into the path of this MURDER SHIP!
Kevin!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!
Bill!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!
Mike!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!
- At the end when the camera pans from 1997 Rose past a series of pictures of her in her cabin meant to show her life after the Titanic accident they point out how narcissistic it makes her look and have her talking about her cropping other people out of her pictures and objecting even to the presence of a horse in one.
- During the dinner scene, whenever Rose's mother appears talking, they start humming and whistling a circus style music.
- On the scenes that sets the people in the high-class area, and the people on the basements, the three start to chatter on "business" and "gambling", respectively, and in the same manner on both scenes.
- During some of the dialogue between Jack and Rose:Mike: This is almost like Shakespeare! ...never existed, and instead we got the lady who wrote Twilight.
- Singing "Poker Face" to the tune of "Nearer My God to Thee."
- After saying "I regret nothiiiing!" several times in regards to the people falling off the ship, this happens:Kevin: I regret— OOOH!! Hitting the propeller! WOW that hurt!
- As a passenger falls to his demise on the capsizing Titanic:Mike: Hey Todd, I bet I can count to 15 before I hit! 12345678910 11 12 13 14 15! I win!
- "I've got to admit, I totally saw that coming."
- Bill: (in a snooty tone of voice) Time for a crunk party. ...Bitches.
- Disembaudio's rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." He gets a little too into it...
- "Dear diary...I saw boobs today."
- There's a Running Gag where they rag on how young Leonardo DiCaprio looks.Mike (as Jack): I'm twelve!
Bill (as Jack): Okay, I'm actually nine, but I have a candy cigarette.
Mike (as Angry gambler): You're only seven!
Bill (as Jack): Wow, next year I'll be in fifth grade! I'm a BIG boy!
Jack: I remember when I was a kid...
Kevin: Wait, when I was a kid?!
Jack: Well, I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it.
Kevin: After all, I'm almost twelve!
- Frequent jabs are given to Cal Hockley for his effeminate appearance.Officer William Murdoch: (talking about getting in the lifeboats) Anyone else?Bill (as Cal): Will it smudge my eyeliner? I don't want that.
- As people are falling down the sinking ship:Kevin: IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!
- When Cal wrecks the table at breakfast on the last morning of the ship:Kevin: Guess he didn't like the muffins.
- Mike (as Molly Brown): You dirty birdy!!
Bill: Unsinkable, maybe. Un-p'wnable, apparently not.
- After Rose rediscovers her old mirror:Rose: The reflection's changed a bit...
Mike (as Rose): I was a pudgy teen then. Now I'm a stone-cold fox.
- When Rose's granddaughter tries to get her to rest:Rose's granddaughter: Come on, Nana...
Mike (as Rose): You just want to be the only hot chick in the room!
- Tommy: Will you give us a chance to live, ya limey bastard?!
Bill: Heh, I yelled that outside a closed liquor store before.
- When Lovejoy doesn't allow Jack to attend the mass in first class:Mike (as Jack): I hope you get shut out at the valet awards.
- Mike ruining the "I am flying" scene:Jack: (singing softly) Come Josephine in my flying machine, going up she goes...
Mike (as Quint): Oh I love to go swimmin' with bow-legged women and dive between their knees! Arrr!
- Spotting a strange object on one of the lifeboats:Bill: Is that a lightsaber next to her head?
Mike: Yes, Kit Fisto's great-great-great grandfather was on board. Hieronymus Fisto.
Bill: (skeptically) Hieronymus...
Mike: Fisto, yes. Hieronymus Fisto.
- When Cal shows Rose the diamond necklace:Cal: And they called it Le Coeur de la Mer.
Cal & Rose: (together) The heart of the ocean.
Mike (as Cal): Originally it was called Le Poulet de la Mer, or Chicken of the Sea.
- Toward the end, as 1997 Rose finishes her story to Lovett and company:Mike (as Rose): ...and that's the story of how Deputy Dawg saved Christmas. I mean, of the Titanic.
- Kevin's Shane Mac Gowan impression, found at 5:34 here.
- When Rose tells Cal off:Rose: I'd rather be his whore than your wife.
Mike (as Rose): So, take that—wait, I just called myself a whore, didn't I?
Cal: No! No! I said no!
Kevin (as Cal): I'm going to be his whore!
- "Set this bad boy to 4:20 just in case a pothead leads the salvage expedition."
- "One of the dead bodies is whistling! Let's get outta here!"
- "Drew has broken free! He's trying to flee the set!"
- At the beginning of the movie:Grampa Seth: Goblins still exist!
Rich Kyanka: I fought them in World War 2 just yesterday!
- "Uwe Boll presents 'Uwe Boll's Donkey Kong'!"
- The infamous bike scene:Edward: Get off the bike.
Mike (as Sister Rose): It's a girl's bike.
Edward: Get off the bike!
Kevin (as Sister Rose): I said, "it's a girl's bike."
Edward: (pulls out his gun) STEP AWAY... FROM THE BIKE.
Mike (as Sister Rose): Fine, if you want to look like an idiot on a girl's bike.
- And school girls' Straw Feminist rant.
- Pretty much every time the ridiculously masculine Sister Beech is on screen, expect to crack up like a lunatic. She's obviously their favorite thing about the movie.
- For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:Kevin: Well, the 'never strike a woman' rule is still intact, it being Sister Beech and all
- Late in the movie, when Mike mistakes her for Kevin James.
- For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:
- "When I think of getting jumped by Leelee Sobiesky, it's a little different."
- "Academy Award winner Ellen Burstyn, folks! Looking like a cross between Mother Nature and Braveheart."
- "Sport coat and slacks!"
- The intro includes a fantastic Shout-Out: Disembaudio challenging guest-riffer Neil Patrick Harris to a Slap Bet.
- "Nintendo Sixty FOUUUU-I mean a Golden Ticket! Yippie!"
- Chemistry class:Mike: Neil, can I ask you to go ahead and mix together some of my special chemicals I brought into the studio today?
Neil: Of course, Mike. I see no reason whatsoever not to mix together whatever chemicals I'm handed at any given time.
Mike: That's what I like to hear.
Disembaudio: Mike, you've blown up stage, screen and television actor Neil Patrick Harris!
- When the news reports that two of the five tickets have been found:Reporter: Whatever corner of the globe we're in, which ever of the five continents we're on...
Neil: So they go nuts for Wonka Bars even in grim, socialist, dystopian societies?
Disembaudio: Oh? Is this set in France?
Mike: Disembaudio~ once again coming out of nowhere to spank the French!
- "Mom saw a dull flicker of hope and snuffed it out right at the source. Way to go, mom."
- Math class.Mr. Turkentine: Today, we're going to learn...(draws a circle on the black board)
Mr. Turkentine: ...about percentages. (talks for a while — shot of the class groaning)
Mike: (imitating children's voice) THIS IS HISTORY CLASS!
- "Where have I seen that deluded look of hope before—oh, yeah! A craps table at 4:00 a.m.!
- When Charlie and his grandfather pine over a Wonka bar that may or may not have the Golden Ticket inside:Mike: Neil, I don't want to know what happens next, but just tell me this...are dreams crushed?
Neil: Obliterated. Not an atom of hope or joy anywhere to be found.
- Grandpa Joe finds that he is able to walk again:Neil (as Joe): ...And it's off to the brothel!
- Just before they enter:Mike: Joe's pointing out all the people that couldn't vote the last time he was out of bed.
Veruca Salt: I want to go in first, before anyone else!
Mr. Salt: Anything you say, sweetheart.
Neil: I can't believe I forgot mah bloody flask.
- In the very tiny room, just before the factory itself:Mr. Salt: You're a bleedin' nut, Wonka! No one can get through there!
Neil: Sam-B would have to a~gree!
Mike: Disembaudio! You just slapped Neil Patrick Harris!
Disembaudio: Hey, I just did what we were both thinking. I keeps it real, Neil!
Neil: Ouch Yes, I get it—very real.
- When Willy Wonka sings for the first time:Mike: Hey, I wore nearly that identical outfit to prom.
Mike: Now that I think about it, though, my tie wasn't nearly that subdued.
- When the kids are licking the walls:Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
Mike (as Wonka): (turns Salt's head toward him) Look, Salt, I swear to god, I will cut you!
- When Willy Wonka starts shouting during the Creepy Tunnel Scene from Hell:Neil: And if you're ready Mike, may I offer you a wide-awake nightmare?
Neil: I don't mind if you do!
- Neil: This is for all the eight-year-olds who dropped blotter acid before going to see the film.
Mike Salvador Dali took one look at this scene and said, "Hey, man! This is too weird even for me!"
- Neil: Yes, kids love candy, whimsical characters... and... (cue the chicken beheading) animal slaughter.
- Wonka: (singing) There's no earthly way of knowing....which direction we are going...
Mike: You know what would be funny — if you were an airline pilot and get on the intercom and do this exact thing.
Neil: This is what I imagine it's like to spend time with Tim Burton.
- Wonka: Not a spec of light is showing, so the danger must be growing.
Mike: He's either insane, or he pounded a couple of Rockstar energy drinks, forgetting that he'd already had a bowl of chocolate-covered espresso beans for lunch.
- After drinking the special soda:Mike: You think this is a metaphor? You know, for...getting high?
Neil: ..."metaphor"? Heck, no! I think they were high when they filmed this! And when they wrote it, filmed it, screened it, ate lunch, slept, took showers. There was more THC passing through that movie set than through the whole Burning Man festival.
- During Veruca's "I Want It Now" song:Mike: Neil, do you ever do this on the set of How I Met Your Mother? Just dance around, singing a song of your contractual demands?
Neil: Yeah. Just the other day I knocked em' dead with a five minute show-tune about the kind of cold-cuts I demanded to have in my trailer. Standing-O, my friend. (as Veruca Salt trashes the room) Gosh, I didn't do this exactly; during my dance break, I ran around punching crew guys and lighting small fires.
- Then Mike talks about how if he had to do a musical number he probably wouldn't be able to come up with anything too flashy.Mike: You know, if I were gonna sing a big production number on what I want, I'm not sure if I could come up with anything too flashy. (singing) I want a sandwich, a nicely prepared ham sandwich! If you could put a pickle on the side I'd really appreciate it, but don't go through any trouble. (speaking) You know, that sort of thing.
Neil: That's nice. I—
Mike:' (continues singing) I'd like some tube socks! Some good fitting tube socks! Socks that are reasonable priced with good lastic! Socks that don't have a thick seam where my toes are!
Neil: Wonderful, just one small request: Please never sing again.
Mike: (Beat) Request granted.
Neil: Thank you.
- Then Mike talks about how if he had to do a musical number he probably wouldn't be able to come up with anything too flashy.
- "A stiff thumbs-up shows the kids today you're 'down' with the 'music' and the 'scene' and the 'Pogs'."
- The confusion over which country the movie takes place in, including "Maybe it's set before the American Revolution" and "Hope he doesn't get mugged on the mean streets of Englameripoland."
- During "Pure Imagination":Wonka: If you want to view paradise...
Neil: (finishing the lyric) Simply watch another movie!
- During the Lollipop Guild scene:
- And during the "Ding-Dong The Witch is Dead" scene:Mike: Aw, cutest blitzkrieg ever.
- At the entrance to the Emerald City.Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion: (in unision) Bell out of order. Please knock.
Mike, Kevin, and Bill: (in unison) Reading in unison is a capital offense.
- During the "Lions, and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" scene:
- As the Tin Man rusts in the poppy field, Bill responds in a overly sneering tone that tin does not rust. (Which is true; tins cans do rust but are mixed with iron.)
- When the Wizard tells Dorothy about himself.Oz: I'm an old Kansas man myself!
Mike: Just like you, I'm an old Kansas man.
- During the Cowardly Lion's debut, as he challenges the others to fight him:Lion: I'll fight ya with one paw behind my back! I'll fight ya on one leg! I'll fight ya with my eyes closed!
Kevin (as the Lion): I'll fight ya while suffering from feline diabetes, which I have!
- Every time the riffers add or alter song lyrics. Every time.
- When Glinda returns at the end:Bill (as Glinda): The Wizard got sucked into a jet engine. I call the shots now.
- After Dorothy is captured by the Wicked Witch:Dorothy: Oh, please give me back my dog!
Bill: No, no, it's more like, "GIVE ME BACK MY DOG!"
- Their shock at the fact that during he scene of our heroes heading to the wicked witch's castle, the scarecrow is shown carrying a gun.
- Which leads to a Why Don't You Just Shoot Him? moment when the Flying Monkeys attack.
- When the group tries to get Oz to grant their request, where the hologram has a lot of fire surrounding it:Oz Hologram: But first, you must prove yourselves worthy... by performing a VERY SMALL TASK.
Mike (as Oz): Put out these fires!
- They make a lot of jokes at the Munchkin Lollipop Guild, which ultimately leads to, after Dorothy and the others kill the Wicked Witch and acquire her broom to present to Oz...Mike (as Oz): Uh, go kill the Lollipop Guild, too!
Video On Demand Riffs
- During one of Bibi's songs.Mike: (singing) ♪ What's the name of that movie, where the sequel had a cruise ship? It was awful, really awful. ♪
Mike: Oh, right, right. Yeah. Strange that I would forget that.
- From later in the same song (an overextended...something involving America and drugs):Bill: (singing) ♪ So snort the Constitution! Inject Mount Rushmore into your sac! Freebase freedom off Francis Scott Keeeeeeey! ♪
- From later in the same song (an overextended...something involving America and drugs):
- Late in the movie, we are treated to a first person shot of a hairy bum.Mike: I just spit-washed your face, give me a quarter!
- During yet another song:Boogalow: ♪ Life is nothing but show business, the world a cabaret! ♪
Bill: Oh man, I am sending Joel Grey over there with a katana!
- It's established early on that Ator is in love with his adopted sister, who he thinks is his blood relative. The horrified riffers proceed to chastise him about it for the rest of the film.Bill: Ator, you sick, naughty fighting eagle, you!
- "Well, they're dumb, inbred creatures. Uh, speaking of that..."
- According to Kevin, Ator's reaction to learning Sunya isn't his actual sister: "What? But that's not hot!"
- "Could you put on a shirt that says, 'I'm related to you'?"
- After the title comes up:Kevin: Oh, boy! This must be the prequel to Angry Birds!
Mike: Yeah, back when they were just called "Birds." Then they found out some people prefer Peanut Butter Crunch to original Cap'n Crunch.
Kevin: What's wrong with that?
Mike: THOSE PEOPLE ARE MORONS! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!
- During the exposition narration:Narrator: A man will come to promise a different way, and he shall be named—
Bill: What?! Oh, Torin?! What the hell?! I'm already so confused.
- "I brought a rake."
- Griba uses a name found in another, more beloved property.Griba: Now, you must go to the Volcano of Shadows and take possession of the Shield of Mordor.
Kevin (as Griba): Uh, a Mordor so different than other Mordors, there's no reason for any estates to sue us. [nervous laughter]
Griba: Then you will fulfill your destiny in the Temple of the Spider.
Mike (as Griba): But careful because this female spider is known to throw items. Yes, she lobs things at you. Beware of the she lobs.
- Throughout the movie, the riffers have a Running Gag of changing the theme song's chorus, which always ends with the character's name, Buffalo Jones. Mike delivers one version ending with "Rashida Jones", but Kevin, as always, pulls off an Overly Long Gag leading up to the phrase Mark Ruffalo's phone. As expected, Bill and Mike are ready to kill him for this.
- The riffers also repeatedly point out how stupid and impractical riding a buffalo would actually be:Buffalo Jones: Yeehaw!
Bill: "Yeehaw!" is actually Cherokee for "Oh, dear God! I've made a horrible, costly mistake!"
- When the title pops up:Bill: Screw you, Affirmative Action!
- Kevin is surprised to hear that they're doing a movie made in the very early 1990s, with a title that references cold, starring an annoying-as-hell white guy with a really stupid haircut whose career died immediately after it came out, and it's not Brian Bosworth vehicle Stone Cold.
- At one point, one of the mobsters staking out the female lead's family's house throws up a little while talking to Ice, and it honestly looks like the guy really threw up and they used the take anyway. It's funny without riffing but the incredulity of the riffers adds to the hilarity.Kevin: (after a few seconds of Mike, Bill, and himself scoffing) He's puking what we're all thinking!
- Repeated mention is made of the fact that this movie's Director of Photography, Janusz Kaminski, is better known for most of Steven Spielberg's movies, including Schindler's List.
- The Running Gag of Ice being confused with other white rappers of the same period, especially Snow.Kevin (as Monique): I love your song "Informer"!
Bill (as Vanilla Ice): Dammit!
Kevin (as Monique): Call me when we can "licky boom boom down."
Bill (as Vanilla Ice): I'm not Snow, dammit!
- "Hide your Queen samples!"
- This nice little Take That!:Vanilla Ice: It was, uh, very pleasant meeting you...m'am.
Mike (as Mrs. Winslow): Yeah, you're real shocking, I'm gonna go sing along with Straight Outta Compton while I vacuum, even the n-words, 'kay?
- As Kathy stares pensively, clearly thinking about Vanilla Ice:
- Across town, Vanilla looks equally pensive:Kevin (as Vanilla Ice): Do egg rolls have actual eggs in them?
- During the end credits, Disembaudio starts rapping along with Ice, using the same vocals.
- This bit:Vanilla Ice: Chillin' with Kat.
Bill: That's what Jon Arbuckle tweets every night.
- Another bit:Vanilla Ice: Yep yep, she likes me.
Kevin: Yep Yep T-shirts now available in stores, kids!... This just in: All pallets of unsold shirts have been shipped to Africa... and burned.
- "Cows: Man's 'f**k you' to natural selection."
- "He looks like someone who's considered duct taping an M80 to a live raccoon. Maybe not followed through, but considered."
- The sweet and sorrowful ode to Arnie at the end.
- "Don't worry, he comes back later as Arnie the White."
- Mike making fun of a character's clearly fake Britishness.
- Seeing a scorecard in the Sheriff's office labeled "Flies 2; Me 50"Bill: Wait, did the flies kill the previous two sheriffs?!
- The website (accurately) compared this film to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, in that it was cheap film with a clumsily added on Framing Device, with tons of Padding and No Ending.
- On seeing the credits:Kevin: Ah, Marker Felt font. You're like Comic Sans, only older, fatter and balder.
- When a 70's, shaggy-haired, small-mustachioed, clueless logger comes on camera:Kevin: Well, this guy can't look nearly as backwards as— (logger turns around) YAGH!!!
Bill: He looks like a police sketch of himself.
- The Nick Nolte Running Gag will have you in tears:Mike: (gravelly) Psst. It's me, your old pal, Nick Nolte. Look, I passed out down here last week. No time for details, but basically, I fell in while fighting a stray dog for half a bag what I thought was Franzia. Anyway, I guess I got to hacking up lung butter while I was snoozin', formed this hard coat all over me and now I'm stuck. Before you ask, no, this ain't the first time.
- Mike: (gravelly) Can you peckerheads hurry it up? I'm startin' to fade in here. Ah, the hell with it. Time to settle on into a vegetative state til something warm comes close for me to leap up and suck some life essence. It's a little trick I learned from my good friends ticks and bedbugs. Before you ask, no, this ain't the first time.
- Kevin: (shocked) WHOA! It WAS Nolte under there!
Mike: (gravelly) Tried to tell you boys. Now, somebody hose me off and get me some of that "Chicken In a Biscuit" crackers. I got a hankerin' you wouldn't believe. It's daytime now - I'M MAKIN' THE RULES!note
- Towards the end, the movie doggedly insists that a scene is set at nighttime despite it clearly being a very sunny day.Mike: The moon is searing my retinas and offering two scoops of raisins!
- Then when one teen comments it's hard to see in the dark.Kevin: (enraged) STOP LIVING THIS LIE!
- Then when one teen comments it's hard to see in the dark.
- When the unfortunate Norman tries unsuccessfully to convince the others that he saw the mummy move:Bill: Come on, guys, it's flipping me off! Oh, now it's writing 'Norman sucks' in the dirt; will you just look?
- Bill nearly being driven mad by the padding:Bill: (progressively more agitated) Yes, folks - guys slowly scaling rocks at a modest incline, a tedious activity you witnessed for an extended period of time not one minute ago resumes in all it's glory, buuuUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuut in the opposite direction... DEAR GOD WHO DIRECTED THIS MOVIE?! A STOOL SAMPLE FROM A GOLDEN RETRIEVER?!!
- As one of the students descends into the cave:Mike: Hey guys, which are stalagmites and which are stalactites and my God, a bat is trying to mate with my head!
- Early in the film, a lab technician is showing a group some of their inventions. He picks up a baseball cap:Man: Baseball cap?.... Yeah. (Mike chuckles) But in reality...
- When the protagonist walks into a bar, there is a hairy, chunky, be-mulleted figure who looks suspiciously like....
- Early in the movie, when a bunch of people, including a guy with a video camera, are standing around an old man in a bed:Kevin: They're gonna document the exact moment he gets morning wood.
- The guys' many riffs on Lash La Rue's way of slurring his words that make him constantly sound like he's at least half drunk, and his overall ineffectuality as an Action Hero.
- As a fat guy in a sombrero carrying a bunch of boxes enters a door:Mike: Ah, at last; the movie's dignity is here!
- After one of the Toltec zombies kills the leader of the group of sleazy, racist Asshole Victims.Bill (as Toltec zombie): We got him! Now to form GWAR.
- Kevin's explanation for the reporter's attraction to Lash (who looks old enough to be her grandfather).Mary: I'm just fascinated by interesting men.
Kevin: Oh, I get it! She thinks he's the Dos Equis guy!
- When Lash and one of the zombies get into a final "duel" that consists of them standing in place and cracking whips at each other for several minutes:Mike: They're both determined to keep it up until one of them admits his name is Toby.
- Mike, Kevin and Bill are begging for the main hero to put on some clothes every time he kills one of his pursuers.
- Our hero is saved by someone pulling a HeelFace Turn and his hands move to his chest in confusion:Kevin: Did I just shoot out of my boobs?
- As our hero goes through a Lock and Load Montage:Mike: Ah, okay. Shoes, at last. Now, please. Please, tell me that somewhere in this house of his there is a shirt.
Kevin: There's gotta be...
(Hero marches out in his gear and...)
Mike: Update, guys: there was no shirt.
- The first credit, "Serafim Karalexis presents".
- "Death Promise, also a very unsuccessful brand of margarine!"Thematic Theme Tune: That's a promise!
- The Big Bad, Alden, leaves the introductory meeting of the Quirky Miniboss Squad of slum lords, to report to his mysterious backer and his Right-Hand Cat.
- "'Double Dragons Karate Academy', Billy Lee, proprietor."
- Alden engages in a long bout of Repeating so the Audience Can Hear in the aftermath of the strangely baroque murder of the first member of the slum lord ring (tying him behind an archery target so his Number Two for Brains can kill him):Mike: (as Alden) Shot through the heart, Jake? And you're to blame?
- While planning the murder of the corrupt judge, Charley states that he's going to use an "old assassin's trick."
- Later still, when Charley's Black Best Friend and sidekick Speedy demands the right to kill the black, drug dealing slumlord for what he did to Speedy's brother and black people in general:Kevin: Gonna give him an Uncle Tom stabbin'!
- Several jokes about the strange and overacted Kiai during the fight in Alden's boardroom:Bill: He learned the fighting style of a fussy toddler at bedtime!
Kevin: (laughs) They trained under sensei Sam Kini-san!
Mike: I do appreciate that every guy has his own style of annoying sounds to make.
- During the stairwell chase in the finale, when the hero Charley throws a shuriken into the back of a fleeing Alden:Alden: Oh my God!
Bill: Fakest scream ever!
(Alden stumbles out the door, and immediately gets a katana in the gut.)
Alden: Oh, NOOOO!!!
Bill: (impressed) I stand corrected!
- There's an underwater explosion.Kevin: Well, there goes the last Snork!
- When Betty is going towards the island on a rowing boat:Man: Go back, Betty!
Kevin(to the tune of Black Betty): Go back, Betty/ Turn around!/ Go back, Betty/ turn around!
- "Animation by Ray's idiot brother Ralph Harryhausen.
- Everything involving Dumpy.Mike: "From the way he acts, you'd never believe that Dumpy won consecutive Nobel Prizes in physics."
- During one of their tedious conversations
- Bill's growing nerd rage as the contradictions with the series grow, causing him to be restrained and sedated by the other two.
- As the Daleks capture the main characters:Mike (as the Black Dalek): WELCOME TO THE ISLAND OF MISFIT SEX TOYS!
Kevin: Ugh... studded!
- The running gag that every single Dalek is named Carl.
- When a Dalek enters the prison cell while Ian is doing a sarcastic curtsey while describing a key part of their escape plan:Blue Dalek: MOVE-BACK-FROM-THE-DOOR!
Kevin (as Dalek): AND NE-VER, E-VER, MINCE AGAIN!
- At the end, when the heroes trick the Daleks into blasting each other:Kevin (as a blasted-Dalek): You knew that was me, Carl! YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE!
- As Dr. Who explains how TARDIS works:Dr. Who: When I push that lever, this room and everything in it will dissolve into their respective component electrical charges.
Bill: I'm about to kill us, is what I'm saying.
- This exchange while the loser-cop-hero and the female lead are fleeing the Daleks:Bill (as the cop): Perhaps human sex destroys them?Kevin (as the girl): No! You've suggested that four times!
- "Get some sleep." "That's what he WAS doing, before you came in and spouted exposition to him."
- When lampshading the repetitive nature to the movie:"Am I in Groundhog Day?"
- Wondering why a boy is dressed as Napoleon.
- (pointing out a pale guy in the background wearing a top hat and sporting a thin mustache) "Is that Ghost Magician Hitler?"
- One of the villains is disguised in a black religious cloak. They riff that he's appearing in an upcoming Dan Brown novel.
- Observing how all cars and boats in Malta are apparently made of bombs.
- During the bar fight, they riff that unlike Harrison Ford, who "wimped out" when he got sick while filming Raiders of the Lost Ark, Joe Don Baker fights through the pain.
- "He looks like if Woody from Toy Story wished to be a real boy on a monkey's paw."
- Many, many jokes involving Chris Lemmon, his utter lack of appeal, and how he rode his dad's coattails into Hollywood.(Hart mugs a very familiar wry look to Vaughn)
Mike: Shameless impression of my famous father, annnnnd... done.
Vaughn: I've paired you with Agent Buchanan.
Mike: Walter Matthau's daughter! Looks just like him, too. Very unfortunate.
(Closing lines as the credits roll)
Kevin: And, as we sit here, truly humbled to have seen the origin of the great hero "Firehead", I think we can all agree — Jack Lemmon should NEVER have had children.
Mike: (Quietly) Wow...
Bill: MAN, Kevin...
Bill: But yeah, agreed.
Mike: Totally, totally agreed.
- The guys gets a lot of mileage out of the little girl playing Smith, who recites her lines in the very flat, enunciated way that most bad child actors do, but louder:Smith: SERIOUSLY, LISTEN! I'VE GOT THE ALDEHYDE REACTION GOING, BUT WHEN I —
Bill: Oh, they did it... they invented a kid more annoying than Jake Lloyd! I didn't think it was possible!
Smith: THANKS! WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING?!
Kevin: Gah! Stop yelling!
Smith: IT LOOKS LIKE THE HEAT-SHIELD HOUSE FOR THE M-X!
Mike: Her voice just shattered a car window in Perth, Australia.
Smith: YEAH! THEY'RE MADE OUT OF GRAPHITE, AND THEY'RE SHAPED FUNNY LIKE THAT TO FIT THE EXHAUST VENT!
Bill: Kid, shush! You're causing planes to drop out of the sky!
Smith: YOU SEEM KIND OF TENSE. YOU WANNA PLAY LASER MAZE?
Mike: I PROMISE IT'LL BE A SOOTHING AND PLEASANT EXPERIENCE!
- Kevin's falsetto disco song, performed over 90 seconds of absolutely nothing disguised as stealth."He's got the pleat-front khakis, and the pale blue shirt, the douchey New York Yankees hat! Uh-huh! We'd tell you more about him, but that's pretty much all we haaave — the aforementioned khaki pants, and that terrible awful hat!"
- Near the end, when the hero reads out the word "Bzapp" from a Batman comic:
- As the body of Martin Landau's character is discovered:
- This excellent exchange during the opening credits, gradually building up to screams:Mike: Those are Chinese characters, not naked ladies. This isn't a Bond movie.
Kevin: Well then why do I have a Goldfinger?
Mike: I told you to go to a doctor about that two weeks ago!
Kevin: I can't drive! My eyes haven't been able to focus since it turned gold!
Mike: Don't point it at me!
Kevin: It points on its own now!
- Chen's fellow students are haranguing him for fighting back against the rival school, thinking it prompted more attacks:Student: Now see what you've done! You act the hero, and this, this is what they do to us. You should have told us what you were going to do!
Kevin: (as Chen) I see your point. But may I remind you that I'm BRUCE (Bleeping) LEE??
- The overweight, middle-aged master of the karate school squares off against Bruce Lee:Bill: "This looks like a fair and even fight."
- After Chen (Lee)'s first attack on the Japanese school:Mr. Wu: (smugly) I know him. We've met before. His name is Chen. They say he's the school's best boxer...
Bill: (same) I provoked the whole thing by slapping him.
- The film's infamous lack of effort to avoid including contemporary fashions provides plenty of fuel for riffs. For example, the establishing shot of the "No dogs or Chinese allowed" park, which has a mullet-ed man in sunglasses and a hideous tie walking alongside a woman with a Funny Afro:Mike: Isn't living in early 20th-century China groovy, dear? I know I can dig it.
- Petrov's 'fro also doesn't escape — it inspires a sketch turning the first half of his appearance at the Japanese dojo into being a "martial arts birthday clown".Bill: (as karate student leaping onto Petrov) We love you, Karate-o the Clown!
Kevin: (ditto) Yeah! Now throw us! Break our spines! Whee!
Mike: (As Petrov, after throwing both students off) Thanks, kids. Now I'll break some balloons for you, and chop your cake in half.
- Petrov's 'fro also doesn't escape — it inspires a sketch turning the first half of his appearance at the Japanese dojo into being a "martial arts birthday clown".
- During the dramatic scene in the graveyard between Chen and his fiancee Yuan:Yuan: Chen, why don't you speak?
Bill: (As Chen) I find words difficult, because I can't punch them!
- One of the characters has a Hitler mustache. Bill declares it a bold choice to go with that mustache: "It speaks to their deep admiration of Hitler."
- During the climactic fight scene, Bruce Lee says "Whaaaaaa..." in a raspy voice. Mike riffs, "Nice parrot impression."
- When the off-key kids and adults start singing, Bill gasps, and says under his breath, "Oh, God..."
- During the opening theme:Bill: Yeah, that rhyme kinda- don't dwell on it. Let's move on.♪
- Storyteller: She was so lovely that her parents decided to give a large party for all the lords and ladies of the land.
Kevin: He would then lock the doors and kill them all. It was the reddest party in the land.
- When the kid in pajamas stands away from the camera in front of a small billboard, it looks frighteningly similar to another film's ending.
- Bill makes a terrible mistake while they watch a mediocre ballet.Bill: [As the action stops] Encore!Kevin: No![The dance resumes after a brief pause]Kevin: Bill, you monster!Bill: I'm so sorry...
- The dark conversations they imagine between the boy and the undersea king.Mike: [As the boy, nervously, as "sea creatures" stand around awkwardly] Um, what are y-...what do you want, I don't even...Kevin: [As the king] Let's uh, maybe I can-Mike: What should I-?Kevin: Just get outta it.Mike: But what was that? I...Kevin: Let's just put it behind us.Mike: That was odd, I don't even...[A hideous lobster approaches]Mike: Uh, mister, i-it's happening again.Kevin: [Disenthralled] I don't know what to tell you, kid.Mike: ...can I leave?Kevin: [Confused] I don't know!
- Kevin: (as the boy in golden lame bikini briefs runs around chased by someone in an awful lobster costume) Okay, it's official: this is now my favorite movie ever!
- When the kids are singing "Old McDonald's Farm".Kids: With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there, here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink...
Kevin: "Everywhere an oink oink." These little thugs just hate the cops!
- The parade sequence, comprising actual archival footage of the actual 1964 Philadelphia Thanksgiving parade, is perhaps one of the highlights of the entire Rifftrax library of work. They get a ton of mileage out of the parade's narrator, who sounds like she's simultaneously drunk, high, horny, and undergoing a psychotic break.Narrator: OoooOOoOOooOOoohhhh noooOOOOOOOoooOOOOooOOoo!
Bill: (chortling) Okay, the peyote is really kicking in now!
- Mike: Seems we lost our narrator too.
Kevin: I'll fill in. Here's a band, oh man, with a plan! Horns in their hands and some flan in a pan. I'm secretly in love with my ex-mailman Stan! I keep clumps of his hair in an old coffee can!
Mike: Huh. Spot on, thank you.
- The crew also get a lot of mileage out of her constant use of the word "gay" to mean happy.Mike: Everything is gay with this lady.
- Narrator: Hickory-dickory-dock...
Kevin: Andrew Dice Lady!
- Later:Mike: She's full-on Nursery Rhyme Word Salad about now!
- The parade itself is bizarre and poorly organized enough to be riff-worthy even without the narrator. When some majorettes appear without a clear place in the parade:Mike: These two are ronin majorettes, exiled, forced to twirl batons without a drum corps to call home.Bill: A noble yet tragic calling.
- The entire..."guessing game" at the end of the film, in which the narrator explains the rules, and then proceeds to do, for lack of a better term, something else.Kevin: Quit moving the goal post, lady!
- "Phooey!"Kevin: Phooey!Bill: Yay-yay!Kevin: Are we winning?Bill: [Panicked] I don't know!
- Narrator: Say, "Hello, fat hippo!"
Mike: Wait til your mom's friends are around.
- Kevin: (whining) I WANT MY MOMMY!
Mike: Yeah, that's what the kids would say at this point.
Kevin: WHAT KIDS?!?!
(Mike chuckles nervously.)
- "Ladies and gentlemen, Katy Perry without autotune!"
- At one point in the parade, car with a loudspeaker drives past the camera:Mike: WAR IS PEACE! FREEDOM IS SLAVERY! IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH! KILL A HOBO! Oh, wait...
- At the end, Bill says what everyone is thinking:Bill: (whispering) Okay, seriously, what the hell was that?!
- Covers Always Lie: Seriously, this cover has to be the one of the most blatant lies for any movie. Ever.
- Mike and Kevin's Dude, Not Funny! reaction to Bill's David Carradine joke.
- Early in the movie Bill has a lot of fun with the fact that Tucker is an agent of "C.O.P.S.", the Civilian-Operated Police System. He's gonna have to file a R.E.P.O.R.T. and drive home in his C.A.R., but he's excited for his upcoming T.H.R.E.E.W.E.E.K.V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N. He explains all of those acronyms, none of them making any sense.
- The opening scene introduces the audience to the "C.O.P.S." concept — but calls the organization "Civilian Operated Police Incorporated", leading to a Running Gag of referring to them as "C.O.P.I."
- When the film's fascination with showing Tucker drive places has gotten out of handMike:Driving scenes: the cinematic equivalent of sawdust.
Kevin: Driving scenes: without them your crappy movie would be like 20 minutes long.
Mike: That sounds great, actually.
Bill: Yeah! I hate you, driving scenes!
- As a big muscular guy scrawls something on a chalkboardMike: Just have to write down how much I hate NEEEEEEEEEERDS!
- On that note, as the camera pans across the C.O.P.S. office, showing Tucker's co-workers to be gun-toting bodybuilders, Bill compares the scene to a Rifftrax staff meeting.
- WANTED: PETER SPRINGKevin: Ironically, David Carradine owned a number of peter springs.
Mike: What is a pe-Nevermind.
- The Big Bad and his Dragon use heavy machinery to murder a lackey in the dead of night. It's extremely loud and takes a good long while.Bill: (as thug, yelling over the noise) I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO GO WITH AN INCONSPICUOUS MURDER PLOT, BOSS!
- When said Dragon is hacking into computer files to frame a troublesome reporterMike: So, you hire a big muscley psychopath thug to do your dirty work...
Kevin: I do.
Mike: Then when you need someone whacked, he walks four feet over to a computer and types in a few things.
- The movie really fails to deliver an atmosphere that suggests the future in any way, and in fact looks appreciably older than its 1989 vintage. This does not go unnoticed at all. For instance, during a chase scene where Tucker is trying to shake a helicopterMike: I'm sorry, this chase is just too futuristic. They're asking us to accept too much.
- And laterBill: Okay, there can't be that much movie left, so when the Hell are they gonna go through the time portal that takes them to the future?
Kevin: Well, what about this junkyard full of 70s cars and guy loading an antique pistol doesn't say "future" to you?
- "The evil priest's henchman has a pegleg, sure." Said very matter-of-factly to highlight how ridiculous it is.
- "Call me an animal again and I'll shed my winter coat and eat my young!"
- As the film ends, it settles on a shot of our slovenly hero driving his beat-up truck into the grimy downtown LA distance as Kevin wonders if the shot can get any more undignified. With perfect timing, a Budweiser truck zooms through, obscuring the shot completely.Kevin: Touche, Budweiser truck. Touche.
- During Tucker's fight with the villain's henchman:Henchman: Come on! I want some more of your ass!
Bill: Uh...do you maybe want to rephrase that?
- The crew get a lot of mileage on pondering how Future Force merited a sequel at all.
- On seing the title card "David Carradine Entertainment".
- When Tucker breaks out his robot glove:Kevin: Ah ha ha! There she is! Like Indy's whip, Wolverine's claws, this glove is an iconic movie weapon fans recognize as a...
Villain: (trying to start his engine) Lousy piece of shit!
Kevin: Yeah, pretty much.
- The Running Gag in both movies about how using the glove more often (namely, all the time) would solve all of Tucker's problems much more quickly and with comparatively less loss of life. He really comes across as an utter bonehead for not wearing it all the time.
- Despite Bill's line about a time portal in the riff of Future Force, the fact that Future Zone actually does involve a time portal doesn't go over well with the guys due to the ridiculously flimsy way it's introduced ("Some friends of mine built a time portal...")Bill: There you have it, folks, the thinnest premise in movie history.
- It's a while before they stop making fun of that detailTucker: Let me get this straight...
Mike: A *bleep* TIME PORTAL?!
- It's a while before they stop making fun of that detail
- Carradine's real wife says in the film, "He had his kinky moments." This does not go unnoticed by the crew.
- After Tucker's house blows up, Tucker storms off. When ask where to:Tucker: I'M GOING TO GET DRUNK!
Kevin: You don't say!
- As a bad guy in a van fires on TuckerKevin: This van is reminding me of The A-Team. Specifically the episode where they watched Future Zone and were like "This movie seems terrible!"
- The guys take a few cracks at the horrid motif/calling card given to the ghost, but the most awesome one is when Kevin turns it into a full on drinking song. It ends:Kevin: To the Ghost House!
Chorus of voices: To the Ghost House!
Bill: GAH! Kevin, how'd you do that?
Kevin: It's the ghosts, Bill. They can't get enough of that stuff.
- He's Jim Dalen. He's staying here on vacation with a camper in the yard. His brother and his girlfriend are here too, as is his sister Tina. And his intro will out live him.
- Nick Nolte is apparently hiding out in the Ghost House.
- When Jim Dalen, who's here on vacation with a camper in the yard along with his brother and his girlfriend (oh, and his sister Tina) asks the little girl haunting the place and her clown doll what they want:Mike (as Girl): Chicken finger Happy Meal.
Kevin (as Clown): Same.
Jim Dalen: For God's sake, somebody help me!
Mike (as Girl): You want my fries?
Kevin (as Clown): You know it!
- Bill: As you're about to toss a lit match into a gasoline drenched coffin, you've got to question some decisions you've made in life.
- When Mark chases the knife-wielding psycho into the basementMike: (as Mark) Acid washed, you on it?
Kevin: (as Mark's denim jacket) Ready, sir. Bandana, you know the drill?
Bill: (as Mark's neckerchief) Got it. Feathered hair, you take the lead.
Mike: (as Mark's hair) I'm on it.
(Mark enters the basement)
Kevin: (as Mark's denim jacket) Feathered hair, you go left.
Mike: (as Mark's hair) Way ahead of you, buddy.
- As Tina approaches a room and puts down the toy skeleton arm she found:Kevin: Oh no, she's going in there... unarmed! (laughs) Woah-! (loud crashing noise) ...Gee, Bill you actually hit me with a piano.
Bill: Yeah, and I've got another one here, so watch yourself.
- Everything involving Harry:
- Especially his very odd speech patterns:Harry: I'm HERE to see Al Connors.
Kevin (as Harry): I'm HOPING he can HELP me control the VOLUME of my VOICE.
- While the hero is talking to him over the phone.Mike: I would kill a man to hear Harry's side of this conversation.
- Harry: I came to see you today for two reasons. Two very important reason to me and my happiness. One...is...is kind of personal.
Mike: (shaking with laughter) He ran out of momentum fast that time.
- When Al demands $25,000 for the job and Harry casually tosses him an envelope of $5,000 to start with:Kevin: I carry envelopes of all denominations on my person. One's full of blood diamonds! You really should have aimed higher.
- Called back a few minutes later:Bill: He walks slowly because he's carrying the equivalent of Brazil's GDP at all times.
- Especially his very odd speech patterns:
- Al orders room service:Al: This is suite 304. We'd like to have two New York strip steaks. Well done.
Kevin (as waiter): Are you insane, sir? What kind of idiot orders a New York strip well-done?!
Al: And bring a bottle of some scotch. J and B.
Kevin (as waiter): What the...? Sir, would you like a real scotch? J and B is literally the worst... (Al hangs up)
Bill (as Al): I hope you like really tough, burnt meat and shitty scotch!
- The massage scene:
- The fact Jack Palance calls someone who looks almost the same age his father.Mike: Eldest son?! Did he have him when he was three?!
Hawk: (calling from outside) Father?
Kevin: Is Almost Father with you?
- When Palance is particularly hammy:
- During a battle sequence, Bill sums up the film's Moral Dissonance:Bill: "Meanwhile the comic relief dwarf is messily devouring the heart of a fallen enemy, forcing his captive comrades to watch while cackling that 'they're next!' You know, fun."
- At the very end, they have "the poorly animated hawk" handing out some announcements during the credits. All is going fine until the very end where it starts on a personal message:Bill (as the hawk): Folks, things aren't always black and white: Hitler had some good ideas too...
Mike and Kevin: (sounds of panicked scrambling) "KILL THE MIC! KILL THE MIC!
- When the kids first arrive in Finland, the girl questions the boys logic in attempting to find Santa by blindly wandering around in the woods.Bill: Women, right? Always like, this seems fatally stupid, bla bla bla...
- Santas sleigh winds up right alongside the wing of a jumbo jet.Kevin: ...And into the jet engine they go. [makes grinding noises]
- The Running Gag about "Golden Corral's new slogan" reaches its zenith during this film, when it's delivered in response to an extended shot of a man vomiting to death.
- When Sam is dunking his son in the antifreeze so that Jack Frost's hand will die, they observe that the town has a weird baptism ritual.
- "Fearsome tarantula at your service! Now where's the worm or small lizard that you want dead?"
- "I-I honestly don't know that to do here. Is there a beetle on this lady you want me to eat?"
- The girls are wondering where one of their (unknowingly murdered) friends went:Chris: El Creepo seems to have vanished into thin air.
Bill: Terry Richardson spontaneously combusted?! Hooray!
- After seeing a Sesame Street poster on the bedroom wall:Bill: This poster showing up in such a terrible movie may have been what killed Mr. Hooper.
- The Running Gag of how this Christmas movie takes place at neither a time or place that one associates with Christmasnote .
- The riffers treating Ichabod the turtle as the movie's Only Sane Man.Mark: (Pulling Ichabod out of a drawer) Wake up, Ichabod!
Bill (as Ichabod): Hey, kid, you know that turtles occasionally need food, air, and exercise, right?
Mark: C'mon, wake up!
Bill (as Ichabod): I am about to die, You Monster!!
- When Bumbling Dad Henry exclaims, "Good grief!"Mike: Charlie Brown and Lucy: The Married Years.
- The idea that Henry can only see trees that he planted and the warning that he should probably never go skiing.
- The Running Gag of the family doing nothing to prepare for any upcoming holiday until it's nearly too late, culminating with voicing the mother's plans to buy Mark a Halloween costume on Christmas Eve.
- Every riff that turns the magic Christmas tree into a Memetic Molester.
- The baker chasing one of his workers in order to throw a pie into her face.Kevin (as the worker): You don't understand, he's vowed to murder me!
Bill (as the baker): I'm going to murder you!
- Henry searches the ground for any clues on what made the Christmas tree vanish from the back yard.
- The Bond villain voice Bill uses to address Santa Claus.
- It Makes Sense in Context:Mark: I am not your little boy!
Giant: You are my little boy!
Bill: Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Magic Christmas Tree: Well, boy, it looks like this is the end of the line for us.
- "When Mormons go speedboating."
- When McBain chastises his old war buddy for not wanting to join him on the mission, the argument he uses is that, despite being really wealthy, he's still not happy and helping out an old friend would do so. He notes that he has a bunch of fancy cars and a beautiful woman swimming in his pool, and yet all he seems to do is drink while looking at the ocean. "You having fun yet?"Mike: (as friend) "It's 8:15 AM! You want me to be blowing lines off strippers?!"
- When a scene has background music similar to the theme of The Great Escape:Mike: Soundtrack from The Kind-of-Meh Escape.
- "It's Barry Gibbo the Clown!"
- After doing a tank simulation.Zara: Well, Commander. Perfect score. What else would you like to see me do to prove I'm ready to go on this mission?
Kevin (as Ace): (solemnly) Computer - load Battletoads.
- The introduction of our, ahem, hero.
- While Neutron and Dr. Caronte wrestle in his lab.Bill: Hey, hey, Neutron. Do you ever feel we resolve our conflict this way not because we choose to, but instead due to some cultural expectation put upon us because of the way we're dressed? Like, do we wear these masks or do these masks wear us? Y'know?Mike: I hear what you're saying, and, friend, while I do respect your analytical perspective, it's impossible to ignore the underlying issues of PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH!
- Kevin then ponders why no one is using the gun that was brought into the lab.Mike: This fight choreographed by two eight year olds mashing the "A" button over and over again.
- Kevin then ponders why no one is using the gun that was brought into the lab.
- When Dr. Caronte attempts a lame We Can Rule Together ploy on Neutron:Kevin: Hm, not working. Why not try a "We're Not So Different, you and I"?
- "Hi, Mark."Bill: Oh please, the only proper way to greet a Mark is: "Oh, haaaaaiiiiii Mark!"
- When dwarf Nick is leading the, ahem, "robots":Mike: This movie would be 5,000 percent better if Nick referred to the robots as "his bitches".
- Kevin: So far, this has more laughs than Nacho Libre.
Bill: I don't think it's a comedy.
Kevin: I never said it was.
- Mike's translation of the heroine's singing, which switches wildly from lamenting her dead goldfish to trying to decide what car she should buy to claiming that all Belgians are secretly lizard-people and should be shot on sight:Kevin: (sobs) Poor little goldfish...
- Another translation:Mike: Oh, she's calling her sister a fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. (sings) Fat sack of gaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaarbage!
- By the third time, Bill has given up and is whispering to Mike during his translation, "That's nice, Mike. What else?"
- Another translation:
- When the police chief asks if they heard of any news, Kevin unleashes an almost deadly Incredibly Lame Pun.Kevin: Sir, this is hardly the time to worry about the state of a herding subspecies of the antelope family.note
Bill: (under his breath as Kevin giggles at the badness of his own pun) Oh... man... whew.... hate you...
- The ending seems unusually bleak:Inspector Lozano: Well, boys, what do you think Neutron would say about this?
(All three silently fidget as the music swells to a crescendo)
Mike: (Confused, prompting) Huh? Wh-what do you think he'd say? Maybe just... sit uncomfortably, not even a smile for the audience — maybe just sorta let the movie slowly s-sputter out and, and die?
(Title card "THE END" appears)
Kevin: Huh. Well.
Bill: ...Ssssee you next time, everybody?
- A familiar looking character steps out of the mist.
- On Mad Scientist Dr. Madison:Mike: He has a "just put the last stitch in The Human Centipede" look about him.
- On the Lost Universe's landscape.Kevin: You gotta imagine this place is just swarming with Gorn captains.
- The astonished crew reacts to Dan blatantly putting his hand up Carrie's skirt to booster her (Mike: "HOLY! Right UP there!"), then, the camera follows Carrie climbing from below:Mike (as Dan): Any other perving opportunities? Ah, I know. Look up straight up.
Bill: This short clip has its own website, a Twitter account with three million followers, and a seven picture Hollywood deal.
Kevin (as Dan): Eh, shame that I saw her wang. Well, jumping off the cliff I guess.
(after Carrie reaches the top)
Mike: Creepy middle-aged American men stand up and applaud!
(Bill starts clapping)
Mike: Bill, why are you...?
Bill: Oh, I thought that was an imperative sentence.
- During the opening credits:Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!
Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!
Mike: Uh, R.O.T.O.R.?
Kevin: Exactly. (sings, trilling) rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRR.O.T.O.R.!
Bill: So what you're saying is...
Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!
- During the opening credits:Mike: Visual effects, huh? Well, so long as it isn't that creepy baby from Twilight.
Kevin: That was technically a visual defect!
- During an aerial shot:Helicopter reporter: Hey, good buddy! Things are really getting jammed up down there.
(helicopter shows very light traffic)
Kevin: No they're not!
Helicopter reporter: Traffic is backed up all the way to LBJ.
Bill: Demonstrably not true!
- As the skeleton of R.O.T.O.R. dances:Mike: (robot voice) Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe, Dietrich and DiMaggio...
- Coldyron: That's about as far as you're gonna stick it, Earl!
Bill: WHOA! I'm glad they're not in the same room, anyhow!
- Mike reacts to Shoeboogie's name.Mike: Shoeboogie?! Is he a long, lost Cosby kid?
- Mike: The hillbilly jumped on a plane now?!
Kevin: (hick voice) Hoooo-weee! Wings don't fail me now! Golly gee howdy!
- Coldyron: It stops felons, judegs the crime, and executes sentence. Justice served, C.O.D.
Bill: (chuckling) I don't think any cash changes hands!
- Kevin: Hey, that's not a R.O.T.O.R.-y phone!
Bill: (outraged) I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, MURPHY!
- The ending in which Coldyron gets gunned down by Bugler.(Mike, Bill and Kevin guffaw)
Bill: (laughing) Or we could end the movie this way!
Mike: (laughing) The original ended with Coldyron marrying his girlfriend, but test audiences demanded this version.
- A very poor Special Effects Failure leads to a very wimpy death:Bill: Oh, hey, another slow moving car. No problem, just gently turn the wheel and... (lady in car gives an exaggerated panicky action) What are you...? (Black car gently reaches the other car) What? (Fade to Black as car skid sounds are heard) What?!
(The trio chuckle and laugh, then bust out laughing as we're taken to a graveyard.)
Bill: Cause of death: lightly bruised elbow in car crash.
- During the title screen:
- As a character fiddles with a radio:Mike: (as radio DJ) Youre tuned to K103: all aimless acoustic guitar noodling, all the time.note We have more aimless acoustic guitar noodling next, right after I slit my aorta with a broken Heineken bottle!
- When the lead actress comes across the gator puppet for the first time:Kevin: (as actress) I don't have to f*ck the puppet, do I?
- When Joe Estevez's character looks at a crossword puzzle:
- After the Gator tells a particularly bad joke; Mike just cuts to the point, rather than riffing:Gator: Don't you listen to K-R-O-K?P.J.: You mean K-ROK?Gator: No Krok, like Crocodile! Get it?Mike: Yeah, I do but you're an alliga-look, just go to Hell.
- When a scene goes on for way too long, Bill has a mini-breakdown:Slingshot: She could be gone for hours.Kevin: Uh Bill, we're on the first floor.Bill: DAMN YOU, ROLLERGATOR!!! You have me trapped and you know it! [sobs]
Mike: Ah, shes using reverse psychology. Hey, lets do likewise. (clears throat) Hey scene, I sure hope you dont end. It would be terrible if you suddenly stopped and didnt, in fact, keep limping along like a wounded moose. A horrible, annoying, wounded moose that wont shut up! THAT HAS CLEARLY NEVER MADE ANYTHING LIKE A DAMN MOVIE BEFORE, YOU STUPID WOUNDED MOOSE!!!
- Later on in the same scene, Mike has similar reaction:
- Any time the riffers remind us that Santa is telling the Thumbelina story to the kids, and imitate what his narration for some of the strange/boring/painful parts must be like.Bill (as a kid): Wait, the lady on the loudspeaker is a ground-dwelling animal of some sort? What's going on here?!
Kevin (as Santa): Enough questions! Guy in the gorilla suit, shut that kid up, will ya?
- During the painful sequence where Santa attempts to attach a sheep to his sleigh:Mike: Guys if you close your eyes during these scenes it takes on a whole new context. Give it a try!
Santa: COME ON! OOHHHH! OH, HARDER!
Kevin: (amid mutual groans of horror) Gah! You're right!
Santa: Well, now he is in the wrong way!
Kevin: (now utterly horrified and disgusted) OH, MIKE!!
Santa: Let's get him out again... OHH, HARDER!!
Bill: OH, YOU'RE A BAD MAN MIKE! I'm going to open my eyes now!
Santa: HARDER!! HARDER, ohhhhhh...
Kevin: GAH, I'M STILL SEEING IT!
- And the above is immediately preceded by this bit, after Mike had wondered when Santa had time to go to the bathroom over the course of being in his sleigh for two days.Santa: (as he lumbers out of the sleigh to help attach the aforementioned sheep to his sleigh) Let me see what we can do. (gets out of the sleigh revealing a hideous brown stain on the backside of his Santa costume)
Bill: DEAR GOD! You can start by getting your Santa pants dry cleaned!
Kevin: I guess that answers your question, Mike!
- And later...Bill: OH THERE IT IS AGAIN!
- "Well, back to doing what I do best, sitting here in my filthy pants."
- A little kid brings out a guy in a gorilla suit to dislodge Santa's sleigh. Mike's delivery really sells this:Mike: Keep in mind, this was Plan A.
- During a close up of the Ice Cream Bunny:
- It's Bill's Phantom of Krankor laugh!
- Mike becoming increasingly fed up with Bill's Running Gag about Mr. Digger's Bronx accent. "Now let's go get some nice pastrami at the deli."
- Their riffing on the "Santa":Mike: (as "Santa" stands up to greet the Ice Cream Bunny, directly blocking out the sun to the camera) BOW DOWN BEFORE ME PUNY HUMANS! COWER IN FEAR AS I BLOCK OUT YOUR SUN!!!
- And as Santa seems to fall into unconsciousness after the kids leave:Mike: He-he's dead. The sun killed him.
Kevin: All hail the SUN!
- The group's reaction to the various nightmarish animals that appear:The Frog: What I need is a little girl.
Kevin: GAH! The Woody Allen of frogs!
The Frog: That's what I need, all right! I wonder where my mother is?
Mike: (in a horrified murmer) Man, that is one messed up amphibian!
- Their reaction to the bug/wasp/Cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen (Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.):Kevin: (perfectly calm) Ah, well... guys, if you don't mind, I've got this one.
Mike: Ah great, ok then. Thanks.
Kevin: (inhales deeply) AAAAAARRRGH MYGOD!!! ARRRGRGRGG THISISTERRIBLE!!! AAAIIRRGGH!!! PLEASE GODWHATISIT?!?!?! AAAIIIRRGGHH!!!
- Bill then states he's certain that there's already Fan Fic devoted to them. Kevin pipes in, "Rule 34!"
- Their reaction to the bug/wasp/Cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen (Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.):
- And their reaction to Mrs Mole's "Mole Supremacism":Mrs Mole: (on the subject of the aforementioned frog) Frogs are terrible looking. We moles think they are FILTHY creatures.
Bill: Unlike God's chosen race, the MOLE!
- Mr. Mole is trying to impress Thumbelina:Mr. Mole: And I will show you some very interesting things that I have collected from all over the world.
Bill: I keep them in my pants!
- "Well, that's it. I officially have no idea what we're looking at, why we're here, or even who I am anymore."
- Kevin's Heroic BSoD after the entire Thumbelina story doesn't change a thing in the Santa story. "I'll pull the sleigh! I'll marry Mr. Digger! I'll do whatever you want!"
- As the Ice Cream Bunny drives the kids in his vintage fire engine to save Santa, the guys are left speechless.Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150+ movies, Rifftrax has nothing to say.
Bill: Just this. Enjoy.
- Their theories of what exactly they're seeing and why- ranging from a seriously bad drug trip to the studio exploding and them being in hell while Satan himself considers that forcing them to watch the film might be a little too harsh.
- Their reaction to Thumbelina's criteria for an ideal husband:Thumbelina I just wish there was someone younger, or someone who was handsome, someone who was a human being like I am, (Bill starts giggling) someone who will come and take me in his arms. I would be happy to be his wife.
Bill Human Being. A distant, third priority for her.
Bird: But a mole isn't even the same thing.
- Of course, on the other hand...
Kevin: They should have their own schools!
- "We came through time, space, and the boundaries of fiction to see that?"
- When the kids are gathered around the sleigh at the end:Mike: Yes, they all wanna see the sleigh, but only from the one particular side.
(The sleigh disappears)
Kids: It's gone! It's gone! It disappeared!
Narrator: Like magic.
Bill: Or crap!
- When the kazoo band strikes up "Old Man River", Kevin sings along:Kevin: Ice Cream Bunny, the Ice Cream Bunny! He's made of ice cream, and he's a bunny!
- The entire scene with the witch:Witch: You want me to make you a daughter?
Mike: YES! You've been singing about it for ten minutes! I thought we were clear on this!
- Then the payment:Witch: It will cost you twelve... pennies.
Bill (as the spinster): Twelve pennies for a human life!? I brought the deed to my house just for the down payment!
- After she gives the witch the pennies.Bill (as the spinster): Here you go. Don't spend it all at once. (beat) No, seriously, the cashier will be furious.
- Then the payment:
- After Santa is done telling the story:Bill (as one of the kids): Santa, Santa, I have a two-part question. One, will I ever feel joy again? Two, what did I do to deserve this?
- Bill translating the dog's reaction to the Ice Cream Bunny: "Evil! Evil! It must be destroyed with the Daggers of Megiddo!"
- Thumbelina arrives in the land of the Flower Children:Flower Child: Who are you and what do you want?
Bill: That's also Delta Air Lines' new slogan.
- Lampshading the fact that Surgeons Can Do Autopsies If They Want. "That's my diagnosis as a therapist... surgeon... researcher."
- During a debate over the fate of the deranged killer's corpse:Ron Silver: This isn't right. This is illegal; this is immoral. We have a vegetable laying here on this table that was a human being with a mind as well as body.
Bill: HE WAS A GREAT MAN!
- Before that, repeated comments on how concerned everyone seems to be about the psycho killer's welfare:Chuck: (as the murderer attacks a group of cops with a shotgun) Don't shoot!
Mike: Why not?!
- Before that, repeated comments on how concerned everyone seems to be about the psycho killer's welfare:
- During the inevitable bar fight scene (hey, it's a Chuck Norris movie):Bill: (as biker) Remember, attack him one at a time. We may be murderous bikers but we have some semblance of manners.
- The numerous jokes about Ron Silver's resemblance to Al Pacino.(Silver's character walks into his basement, full of video and photography equipment)
Mike: Ron Silver's gonna train hard, watch some Al Pacino game tape.
- Something that looks like a POV shot closes in on a house, but the villain shows up on screen briefly before exiting the frame.Mike: Okay, he just left the frame so this POV shot couldn't possibly be his... Then, what, a bear? An unusually tall raccoon?
- As in the MST treatment, the trio point out the continuity error where Lamont is shown alive after being killed, leading to these riffs:Mike: I died, but I got better.
Bill: "I enjoyed your funeral, Janet." "Thank you, sir."
- The old man in the next scene:Kevin: Are you here to sell me a reverse mortgage?
- This moment:Dave Ryder: Shit! Son of a bitch!
Bill: Our hero.
- Robber: Screw that business, man!
Kevin: Yelp.com's mission statement.
- Mike: Mommy, why is Mario wearing Dockers?
Kevin: "I don't know, honey; I'm scared too!
- When Mario falls and gets warped to the alternate dimensionMario: (screams loudly)
Kevin: He's actually voicing my one-word review of this movie! (screams for a very long time)
- During one scene with Yoshi:Bill (as Yoshi): (depressed) I turned down Jurassic Park for this. What was I thinking?
- After Koopa is finally defeated and everybody is cheering:Mike: Bob Hoskins would never do another terrible movie again...
Kevin and Bill: HOORAY!!!!
Mike: ...until Spice World a few years later.
Kevin and Bill: (disappointed) Awwww.....
- 2 years prior to the VOD being released, there was a YouTube video of their choice cuts if they riffed it. Moments include:
Kevin: This game is rated "C" for confusing sexual situations.
- During a dance sequence:
Mike: Huh. I guess we could've done this before he killed Toad.
- After Toad gets de-evolved, and after that, when Mario pushes Koopa onto the de-evolve chair:
- "Shigeru Miyamoto's tears?"
- During the club scene:Kevin: There. There's fire here, and there was fire in the games.
Bill: That's a bit of a reach...
Kevin: At this point I'll take what I can get.
- Luigi watching TV:Luigi: Oh, Mario, Mario, right now on "Miraculous World," this guy just found out that he was in another dimension.
Bill (as John Leguizamo): One where audiences like me.
- Many, many comments about how the movie bears NO resemblance to the games:Bill: "The Law & Order font really brings you into the whimsical world of Mario."
- Mike's impression of Yoko Ono singing the Miranda Rights to Mario and Luigi.
- The sudden appearance of a puddle of brown slime during Mario and Luigi's escape from the de-evolution chamber leads to a Running Gag about "patches of D" whenever de-evolution is brought up.
- When Luigi falls down a shaft and seemingly dies:
- On a similar note, during an escape/chase sequence, Bill starts singing the Super Mario theme song... before quickly transitioning to Yakkety Sax.
- Mike mentions how the car chase is just like Mario Kart except for a gigantic list of differences that show how good the MK games are. Then he finishes withMike: On the other hand, no fucking blue shells!
- Possibly one of the oddest, most disturbing bits in the whole show comes while Mario is slow dancing with the gargantuan bouncer lady:Bill: (seductively) I'm going to make the fanart of you and Birdo look like Family Circus cartoons, little man.
- Lena stabs Yoshi in the neck:Mike: And Mario's beloved sidekick is fatally wounded. You're welcome, kids!
Bill: (tearfully) Mama!"
- On Bob Hoskin's career:Kevin: "I don't know, after Mermaids everything just went to hell."
- In general, how about the fact that the riff makes way more references to the source material than the movie itself does.
- "I love that movie where Dennis Hopper put a Bob-Omb on a Bub-Us.
- Two Goombas board an elevator:Mike (as first Goomba): So get this; the boss has me training to throw an endless stream of hammers. You?
Kevin (as second Goomba): Boomerangs. Never ends, does it?
- Seconds into the movie there's an obvious Special Effect Failure.Bill: Man, that bright blue sky is really pouring rain.
- "No matter how many times you hear the 'human cadavers' speech, it never gets any easier, right guys? ...Guys?"
- The extended bit during the opening credits about the complicated story of the eponymous ravens' legal ownership status of the swamp.
- Let's just say the fact that there are zero ravens in the movie (the birds are clearly vultures) doesn't escape notice.Bill: Damn ravens, with their ugly bald heads and their carrion scavenging!
- The "70s action detective show" theme for the leper, set to the rockin' version of the movie's theme songKevin: He's super groovy, he's got some great moves, he's the cat that they call the Leper!
- On the subject of a roadside flower standMike: You call that a flower shop? Where's the fat doggy sitting on the counter?
- The detective chasing Frosta names the tools of his trade to his sidekickDetective: Method and logic...
Kevin (as detective): Those are my favorite rappers.
Detective: Method, and logic.
Kevin (as detective): Their beats be sick.
- An excruciatingly long scene showing a car slowly motoring through the countryside drives Mike, Kevin and Bill so insane that they think the car eases to exist whenever it drives offscreen.
- When the movie's title first appears on-screen:Mike: I think more movie titles could use interrobangs.
Kevin: On the Waterfront!?!
Bill: The Thin Blue Line!?!
Mike: The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford!?!
- Seeing Gene Kelly, Lauren Hutton, and Red Buttons in the credits makes Kevin wonder if a Love Boat episode's about to break out (to say nothing of Leslie Nielsen). Then...Bill: Marjoe Gortner?! NOW it's a movie!
Mike: The original Matthew McConaughey prototype!
- Many jokes at Gene Kelly's expense at having to appear in this schlock.
- Several Running Gags, including Evel Knievel breaking the arm of a writer by repeatedly attacking him with an aluminum baseball bat, and the gratuitous appearances by Frank Gifford at Evel's jumps.
- When Knievel meets the Mexican Governor:Mike (as the governor): And you are the ambassador from...
Kevin (as Evel): Uh, I'm a motorcycle stuntman.
Mike: Damn it! Why the hell are we honoring you?!
- Knievel apparently has a fierce rivalry with Whiplash the Monkey:Frank Gifford: Ladies and gentlemen; the greatest and bravest showman in the world: Evel Knievel!
Mike: Hearing that introduction, Whiplash the Monkey throws his hat on the ground, leaps off his dog's back, and tears into Evel's face like a banana salad!
- As Evel walks up to the mental hospital, an elderly patient in the background sees and clearly recognizes himBill (as old man): It's Knievel McEvel, my favorite hamburger clown!
- As Evel walks over to the cell door to see Will pacing back and forth:
- A Call-Back, of all things, to Birdemic.Kevin: (singing) Just hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my enemies, having ourselves a party!
- There is also a Call-Back to The Room. When the film goes into a softcore Cinemax's style porn scene, Kevin exclaims, "Tommy Wiseau has ripped control of the film!" Naturally, Disembaudio walks in at this moment, just as he did in The Room, and once again calls the trio perverts.
- After the "He touched my breast!" line:Mike: Remember, kids: you can't spell "molestation" without N-E-S.
- A few scenes later, Putnam is talking on a pay phone:Putnam: (muttering) Touched her breast, she doesn't have breasts.
Bill: What's that? You're transferring me to the FBI's 'Mega Creep' devision? Well, alright...
- A few scenes later, Putnam is talking on a pay phone:
- During the Super Mario Bros. 3 tournament.Kevin (as Jimmy): Ah, this game is crap! Where the hell's Bob Hoskins?
- At the Video Armageddon tournament:Mike: God, seriously, this host is like a meth lab Willy Wonka.
- Everything involving Spanky, the huge, gentle trucker who breaks laws at the drop of a hat to help the kids:Mike: (enthusiastically) I do not make good life decisions!
- "Young Tobey Maguire has no pity for dorkness."
- When Jimmy runs into the dinosaur park at the end:Mike: "Wait, Jimmy, there's no consensus in the paleontologist community about whether brontosaurus was a distinct species, don't go in there!"
- Kevin gets a little resentful during the Power Glove scene:Kevin: "Oh, sure; how come when Lucas drives like this, he's awesome, but when I do, it's "do you know why I pulled you over sir?" and "will you step out of the car?" and "why is your backseat full of doll heads?"
- In an early scene, the trio call attention to an oddly drawn picture on the wall in the background, which looks like a combination of a dog and a dinosaur.Bill: Woof-roar.
- Wonder Women was the first Rifftrax VOD to feature topless nudity, which the guys ate up, though Mike admits it would have been sexier had they not been swimming in a pool full of blood.Kevin: Hah! If I had a nipple for every movie that started with topless women...
- A little later:Bill: This movie is its own Rule 34!
- A little later:
- On the Dragon Lady's assistant's smile:Bill: (chuckling) His smile can light up an adult book store.
- During the cockfighting scene:
- As our hero for no reason tumbles down a flight of stairs.Bill: I NEVER FIGURED OUT STAIIIIIRS!
- During the long foot race:Mike: Dude, she's outrunning you in 3 inch heels! You're never allowed to mention your CIA badass status again.
- Then the classic moment during the chase:Mike: Well, it's a dull chase, but at least we're getting a real sense of place, sights, people, lifestyle— (an Asian swamp eel slithers on the sidewalk by the camera) —OH, MOTHER OF GOD WHAT WAS THAT THING?!
Kevin: And why aren't people screaming at the monster that slithered by?!
Bill: Some kind of a land eel or rare delicacy?!
Kevin: A remote controlled gila monster tail?!
Mike: I'm going to go with Cthulhu's dick!
Bill: Seems right - Cthulhu's dick it is.
- As a car crashes into an ox-drawn carriage.
- As Ross Hagen has "brain sex":
- During the closing chess scene:Kevin: He should have known something was up when her eHarmony profile just said, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh-huh?"
Bill (as Ross Hagen): Ah, Blumenfeld's Gambit! Very clever, madam. Allow me to counter with... my penis.
Mike: She's Kristen Stewart in a blonde wig, isn't she?
- The guys show nothing but disdain for the white, slaveowning protagonist of the film and happily welcome the prospect of his being magically brainwashed by the witch Yambao, viewing it as karma for his own misdeeds.