One of the standards of sexual prowess for a guy, at least in fiction, is how long sex with him can be expected to last. Thus, a male character's real or alleged inability to maintain a Raging Stiffie long enough for it to provide much pleasure for his partner is a frequent subject for insults, gossip, or self-deprecating humor. Sometimes it has implications of selfishness (if the guy is only interested in his own orgasm and assumes sex is over once it's happened) or inexperience/ineptitude (premature ejaculation also features often here) followed by a swift cry afterwards. Men might Think Unsexy Thoughts during the act to delay their orgasm.
While this can be a problem for men in Real Life, it tends to be exaggerated in fiction, mostly for purpose of comedy. You may also find numerous references to "seven minutes" out there in trope land. Rest assured; seven minutes is actually the median time for an act of human sexual congress, but that doesn't mean a session can't last more than seven minutes!
Something that can be just as much of a problem but rarely gets depicted in fiction is an inversion, when a guy can keep going and going without ever reaching an orgasm himself. In that case a guy can get discouraged with sex, and worry that this inability to climax from sex with his partner will hurt their feelings. It is a more common problem for male virgins who have a lot of experience with A Date with Rosie Palms: they find that actual sex feels different, and that two-way communication is required to figure out an arrangement that pushes the right buttons.
Note that Speed Sex is the norm for many animals, particularly prey species that can't afford to leave themselves vulnerable to attack for longer than a few seconds.
Compare The Loins Sleep Tonight, for when he can't get it up in the first place. If the couple decides to do something else sexual instead, check Technical Virgin. A man ejaculating before he can even get his clothes off is Jizzed in My Pants.
- Funny example in Eden: It's an Endless World!. For his first time, Helena makes Elijah finish in 9 seconds. She timed it with a stopwatch.
- In the Hentai Discipline: the Record of a Crusdade, the male lead becomes hypersensitive from all the action he's been getting, to the point where foreplay with his Love Interest causes him to completely go off. He is cured when his female roommates send him to the nurse's office, who uses a variety of techniques to cure him.
- One of Dave Chappelle's old stand-up jokes was that he was a "speed fucker" and that he had gotten his best time down to a minute twenty.
- The joke about Superman being faster than a speeding bullet, which was used in a MAD magazine satire of Superman II.
- Jack Whitehall managed to work this into a joke: "When it comes to sex, I'm very British: two minutes in the dark, then roll over, curl up into the foetal position and cry for a few minutes."
- A couple goes to a restaurant. Every time the husband tries to order something, his wife interrupts with "You'll have vegetables, won't you dear?" After a while, the waiter says that if he's on a diet, they have some dishes, but she shoos him away, saying "Oh, he's not sick. But as long as he screws like a rabbit, he'll eat like a rabbit!"
- In Watchmen, Hollis Mason recalls a joke about the 1940s "masked avenger" team to which he once belonged, namely that they were called the Minutemen because of their bedroom performance.
- In one The Defenders arc, The Hulk was abducted by Dark Dimension Lord Umar for her bedroom entertainment. Not even he could keep up with her for more than about six minutes. (She wasn't too discouraged, apparently, because she abducted him again in a post-World War Hulk story when he was in full Worldbreaker mode — this time he was equal to the challenge).
- In an issue of Birds of Prey, Huntress makes a joke about Arsenal being bad in bed by saying archers are always "too quick to let fly."
- Likewise, in the issue of New Teen Titans where Speedy first met Magenta, he made sure to inform her that his name doesn't mean he does everything too fast.
- Joked about in an issue of Captain Marvel, where Carol and War Machine try to discreetly leave an Alpha Flight function so they can go have sex.
Captain Marvel: Good point. A moment of your time, Colonel?
Puck: I hope for their sake it's more than a moment.
- In Fright Night (2011), Peter Vincent rags on his girlfriend and stage partner Ginger for being late at one point during the act. She responds with "You were early! In bed."
- In Survive Style Five Plus, commercial executive Yoko sleeps with a man who lasts all of three seconds. She thinks up an ISP commercial based on this.
- The first arc of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Stacy and Mike Damone hook up with each other to have sex, but it lasts for less than a minute as Mike ejaculates inside Stacy several seconds into the act and he soon dresses himself back up and leaves. Even worse is that Stacy gets pregnant from it.
- Jim's webcam encounter with Nadia in the original American Pie. Bonus points for it happening twice in as many minutes.
- Gwen's boyfriend Richard in Van Wilder orgasms in 15 seconds when having sex with Gwen and 10 seconds when cheating on her with another girl. He then blames it all on stress. Gwen pays him back by mentioning his "problem" in her article.
- In Mallrats, Brodie gets on an elevator with René, and they manage to have frantic sex before the doors open back up.
- Justified in Once Bitten, in which the young couple has less than a minute to render the guy unsuitable for a virgin-hunting vampiress to prey upon.
- Happens in A Night at the Roxbury; when the two protagonists finally meet two women willing to have sex with them, they each last less than a minute.
- Brazilian movie Cilada Dot Com starts by the protagonist becoming a national mockery once his girlfriend, retaliating for a public betrayal, uploaded on YouTube a "loving night" that lasts less than one minute.
- In The 40-Year-Old Virgin, the eponymous virgin finally gets to consummate marrying a woman he loves, only for his first time to last...a whopping 60 seconds.
- In The Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan's first time having sex with Naomi lasts all of 11 seconds. How do we know it's 11 seconds? Because Jordan actually narrates the scene to tell the audience about it. It's subverted, though, because he still has an erection and is able to continue.
- Enforced in No Strings Attached when the lead characters first get it on. Emma has to get to work in ten minutes and doesn't want her roommate getting suspicious, so she tells Adam he has "45 seconds to make both ends meet". He manages to get her yelling in about twenty.
- Mentioned during Lily von Schtupp's performance in Blazing Saddles, about how men are "always coming and going and going and coming, and always too soon".
- Gender-flipped in Step Brothers. Whenever Alice has sex with Dale because he punched out her Jerkass husband, she climaxes before Dale even realizes what's happening.
- Mark, in The Sessions has never had sex, and his sex therapist is played by Helen Hunt. Needless to say, he does not reach his goal of simultaneous orgasm before the imposed limit of six sessions.
- In Friends with Benefits, Jamie brings this up when she parodies how men act during sex: "Oh, yeah, baby, come on, now. Say my name. Yeah... I'm done. How was I?"
- Twice in Revolutionary Road, once when April Wheeler (Kate Winslet) with her husband (Leonardo Dicaprio) on a kitchen counter, and with a neighbor (with similar stamina) in a car. Each 'one take' scene is portrayed as usual and April's character doesn't seem to react to the duration.
- In Can't Hardly Wait, when alt-girl Denise and wannabe 'Kenny Fisher' (Seth Green) hook up in an upstairs bathroom. After the act, she comments "It gets better...It can last longer next time".
- In Loaded Weapon 1, Colt and Destiny eventually end up in bed together. Just as they get going, the camera pans to the left over some brand-new lit candles and finally comes to rest on Colt's clock radio, which switches to the next minute barely a second later. When the camera pans back immediately afterwards, the candles have burnt down to tiny stumps, and Colt and Destiny are lying beside each other, smoking. It's actually a subversion as Destiny reveals the two of them did nothing but smoke in that time frame.
- In City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly's Gold, Mitch does this with his wife when he notices a piece of paper tucked away in Curly's cowboy hat. While his wife goes into the bathroom after the sex, Mitch pulls it out and notices that it is a secret treasure map.
- In Blockers, Sam's prom night date prematurely ejaculates before he can even get inside of her and promptly falls asleep. Sam is actually relieved, however, because she's a closeted lesbian who was trying to lose her virginity to a guy only because her two other girl friends were planning to do the same.
- The Burning: When Glazer finally manages to convince Sally to have sex with him, the resulting tryst takes about thirty seconds before he is finished. Sally isn't all that impressed ("That's all?"), but she is willing to let him try again later. Too bad for them, since they are killed by Cropsy soon afterwards.
- In Stephen King's It, Beverly's friend, Kay McCall (a feminist writer) says this about her ex-husband: "Two pumps a tickle and a squirt, that was ole Sammy's motto. The only time he could keep it up for longer than seventy seconds was when he was pulling off in the tub."
- Randy and Amy's first time in Cryptonomicon is over as soon as it begins, mostly due to the fact that the encounter was one of the first things Randy did after spending several weeks in jail. He's horrified as to what Amy will say about this, but she thinks it's funny and just tells him to go shave.
- The first time that John Kelly and Pamela Madden make love in Without Remorse, Kelly isn't able to last very long due to the fact he hasn't gotten laid in a while. Pamela, being the Hooker with a Heart of Gold, doesn't mind and the second time he does much better.
- The first time we read of Mack Bolan having sex in the first The Executioner book, this happens, but his partner, another Hooker with a Heart of Gold, also doesn't mind commenting that "You guys always come back full of TNT or something" and gives him another opportunity to do better.
- In the Belisarius Series, Rao has wanted Shakuntala so long and so hopelessly that their first time on their wedding night winds up being this. Things improve after that, though not before Shakuntala takes the opportunity to tease him mercilessly for it.
- A gender-reversed version happens to Remo in The Destroyer repeatedly after he masters the Sinanju art of pleasing a woman. Inevitably, the woman orgasms before Remo even starts to have sex with her.
- The episode of The West Wing where Abbey tells Bartlet his health is good enough to have sex again for the first time since he was shot.
Abbey: We'll coordinate our schedules and find a free hour.
Bartlet: I don't think it's gonna take more than a couple minutes, but I appreciate your confidence.
- In an episode of Have I Got News for You they're talking about good songs to have sex to (because of Alan Clark's sex scandal) and Paul Merton says his would have to be the Minute Waltz.
- Home Improvement had a similar Minute Waltz joke.
- In the episode that flashes back to the night Monica and Chandler hooked up, we see that once they agree to have sex, Chandler undressed really quickly. Monica remarks on this and Chandler replies, "It bodes well for me that speed impresses you."
- In one episode, when the others thought that Chandler was cheating on Monica because he was in a house with a woman for forty-five minutes (she was actually a realtor showing him around the house), Joey didn't think it made sense because he couldn't believe that Chandler could go forty-five minutes.
- In a flashback episode, Rachel finds it romantic when her then-boyfriend promises that the next time they have sex, it'll last a whole song.
- Al Bundy from Married... with Children is constantly mocked for his "5-second sex". This was taken Up to Eleven after Al had to abstain from sex for a month due to a mix-up at the hospital giving him a circumcision - it lasts two seconds, but the impact is enough to shake the house.
- And averted in the episode "Til Death Do Us Part" where Al, tired of being mocked for this trope, manages to get his stamina to a point where he and Peg have sex for two full days.
- One episode had Kelly put on toast as Al and Peg were walking upstairs to have sex. They undressed, had sex, got dressed, and were walking down the stairs in the amount of time it takes to toast bread.
- In the That '70s Show episode "The Velvet Rope", Jackie and Kelso are shown kissing and laying down on her bed. The camera then shifts to a 1970s-style digital clock as it ticks away... two minutes.
- Blackadder had several examples, such as a "time passes" fade to the post-sex cigarette with a title card reading "Two Minutes Later."
- The Golden Girls: This and being an incurable skirt-chaser are the defining traits of Dorothy's ex-husband, Stan. In fact, Stan's lack of stamina is mentioned more than his infidelity by Dorothy, specifically, the night that resulted in her Shotgun Wedding was retold as "It took three seconds. I wasn't sure we did anything... until nine months later when the baby came."
Sophia: You know what they're doing.
- The crowner was in an episode where Blanche starts dating Stan. Blanche insists nothing is happening, but Dorothy doesn't believe her. When they're out very late one night, Dorothy asks what they could be doing.
Dorothy: I also know Stan, we were married for 38 years. And if you add up all the time we did what they're doing right now, Blanche still should have been home 15 minutes ago.
- In an episode of Frasier that had a running gag of characters making Innocent Innuendo and being overheard and misunderstood, Niles walks in just in time to completely misinterpret Roz lamenting how an elderly friend in a retirement home died, and so gives a suspiciously indignant reaction...
Roz: One minute he's lying in bed, smiling and happy, and ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: Oh for heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life! Why can't you women take it as a compliment?
- In Misfits, Nathan ejaculates within seconds after a scene of intense foreplay involving kissing, removal of clothes and intimate touching. Ruth laughs - not at Nathan's sexual mistake but at the face he pulls during orgasm. Thankfully, she lets him have another go, but unfortunately turns into an 82-year-old woman (her true form) as she orgasms. The other characters find out and mock him, particularly as it becomes apparent he went down on her.
- The New Statesman (the tv series, not the newspaper) has a Running Gag that, in addition to his Teeny Weenie, sex with Alan lasts 30 seconds: in one episode he and his wife use sex as an egg timer. Strangely, his frequent talk of his sexual prowess often includes references to his lack of stamina, and he seems to consider it a point of pride that he's "getting quicker". But then, expecting Alan B'Stard to be a considerate sexual partner...
- The Secret Life of the American Teenager: According to Amy, her first time with Ricky was "like two seconds". He must have just been having an off night, since he's shown to be quite the ladies' man with everyone else and when he and Amy get together officially, they have great sex.
- House: The episode "Nine to Five" shows Cuddy and her boyfriend having (at his insistence) sex for anywhere from one to a whopping two minutes.
- Parodied several times in Le Cur a ses Raisons. One occurrence had Brett and Criquette "making love" solely by bumping their nether regions together while still fully clothed, and another lasted approximately the time of a quick camera swoop, unclothing time included.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Faith can't resist getting in a snarky line upon meeting Xander's new girlfriend. (Xander was a virgin when Faith slept with him, so was rather inexperienced, though to be fair Slayers are also considered something of a Sex Goddess so she should really cut him some slack).
Anya: We were going to light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.Faith: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
- In Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Rhaskos is not considerate of his partner's pleasure. Whenever he has sex, he pumps as hard and fast as he can until he orgasms then stops and pulls out.
- Averting this trope is a plot point in the episode "Whore." Spartacus has been contracted by a high-class Roman woman for something more intimate than a standard gladiator match, and Lucretia points out that Spartacus has been bereft of female companionship for quite some time, and might not be up for this particular challenge. When they send another slave to make sure Spartacus has some stamina, and she explains this, he replies "The notion offends me."
- In 24: In the penultimate episode of Season 5, Martha Logan is forced to seduce Charles Logan as part of a ploy to expose his actions. The episode ends with them undressing the next one (roughly 2 minutes later) starts with them putting their clothes back on. Good People Have Good Sex?
- Saturday Night Live. One sketch plays with this when a speed reader (Will Forte) succeeds in a bar patron (Halle Berry) wanting to get with him and then quickly exits the scene.
Patron: (sultry) Enough with the talk, let's do this thing!
Speed Reader: Ohhh, we just did - twice! Yeah, I am that fast! And, don't worry, it was good for me, too. Good night, my lady!
- In an episode of Spin City, Paul uses sex with his wife as part (albeit a very short part) of an alibi.
Mike: And how long did that take?
Paul: I don't know. How long is "the Hollywood Minute"?
Mike: All right, well, I'm satisfied. Claudia probably less so.
- Subverted in The Flash (1990). Sometime after Barry Allen acquires his super-speed powers, we see him in bed with his girlfriend Iris. She's expressing her disappointment that "it" over so quickly. Barry agrees — because they were talking about a pay-per-view boxing match on TV, that lasted only a minute or so.
- Smallville: In "Instinct" Maxima arrives on Earth in search of a Kryptonian to be her perfect mate. Her dialogue implies she's too much of a Sex Goddess for anyone to handle her for long, as mere kisses from her cause normal men to Jizz In My Pants. When Clark proves his strength to her, she's thrilled.
Maxima: Finally. A man with some fight in him. None of the men on my planet have the stamina to keep up.
- You: Stalker with a Crush Joe watches Beck and her boyfriend have sex and smugly notices that it didn't last long and the boyfriend failed to make her orgasm. But when Joe finally gets the chance to sleep with Beck he lasts all of eight seconds, leaving her very unimpressed with him. It turns out to be a one-time thing for Joe, and he and Beck end up having a very satisfying sex life (he's a stalker and a murderer and genuinely disturbed, so, you know, it's not a great relationship).
- In Gilmore Girls, when Rory and Jess start dating, Luke tells Lorelei not to worry about any funny business, because he never leaves them alone for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Lorelei comments that fifteen minutes was about how long it took her to make Rory in the first place, including freshening up afterward.
- Combining this with Jizzed in My Pants, in one episode of The Big Bang Theory Penny gets drunk and winds up in bed with Raj, of all people. She doesn't remember what happened, and he explains later that he, *ahem*, finished as she was helping him put on the condom.
Penny: So, we didn't...?Raj: I did. It was beautiful.
- Whose Line Is It Anyway?: One Scenes From a Hat suggestion was "Songs about life's most embarrassing moments".
Wayne (singing): We made love at 5:06 and I was done by 5:07!
- Flight of the Conchords' song Business Time discusses this.
Making love for
Making love for two
Making love for two minutes
(When it's with me, you only need two minutes, 'cause I'm so intense)
- According to his autobiography, Violent J is a self-described "minute-man". He explains that this is because he gets way too excited during the first round of sex with a new groupie, but that the second time around he averts this trope decently enough after getting "used" to her. He also says that the reason he put this embarrassing bit of info in his autobiography, which might or might not be mostly fictional, is because he's "sure a bunch of the women [he's] slept with have already posted it on several 'celebrity slam sites' anyway".
- Lily Allen's "It's Not Fair" is about resenting her (otherwise very decent) boyfriend for being crap in bed:
I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you
But then you make this noise, and it's apparently all over
- Swedish rock singer Magnus Uggla's "4 sekunder" ("4 Seconds") is about a guy with this problem.
- The Lonely Island / Akon's "I Just Had Sex". "Best thirty seconds of my life!"
- The Macc Lads had a song called "Two-Stroke Eddie" which is pretty self-explanatory. "He just made a mess / All over me dress..."
- Inverted in the infamous "Make It Last All Night", featured in For Your Eyes Only.
- J.B.O. made a "Smells Like Teen Spirit" parody titled "Ejaculatio praecox" which is about just this. The singer's solution: listen to music while doing it, more specifically, listen to Nirvana.
- "One Minute Man" by Missy Elliott is all about expecting the guy to do better than this trope.
- Ninja Sex Party has "Three Minutes of Ecstasy", which according to the song, is the longest Danny can last.
- Grinderman's "Worm Tamer":
Well, my baby calls me the Loch Ness Monster
Two great big humps and then I'm gone
- The Dragon Magazine article "The Ecology of the Catoblepas" attributes that D&D monster species' very existence to this trope. It attests that the catoblepas is an example of Bizarre Sexual Dimorphism, in which the females are bulky long-necked quadrupeds with a deadly breath attack, while the males are speedy kangaroo-like grazers. The males wait until a female has her head underwater, grazing on swamp vegetation, then rush up and mate very quickly before she can lift her long neck above the surface.
- Near the beginning of Next to Normal, Dan teasingly complains to his wife Diana that he's going to be late for work because they were having sex. Her sarcastic reply goes largely unheard.
Diana: That'll teach you to take a whole seven minutes.
- Zero Punctuation - When Yahtzee isn't making fun of everyone else (Your Mom in particular) or pointing out how not gay he is, he's joking about his atrocious sex life.
[On Modern Warfare] The single-player mode is short as fuck, and let me tell you when I'm around fucks are legendarily short. [Two pairs of eyes in darkness with the speech "Sorry".]
- The punchline of this xkcd strip.
- And also the punchline of this one.
- Ménage à 3:
- Didi has had several boyfriends but never experienced an orgasm due to this trope. It happens to every guy who has sex with her, because of her supreme beauty.
- And then there's Gary, who lasted a whopping 43 seconds on his first time. Luckily he makes it up to Kiley by eating her out. #536 - #545
- Corbin from +EV can do it twice in five minutes!
- In this Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal strip this happens due to God's different conception of time.
- Bug Martini: In one strip, the author decides to take Speed Dating to the next level, speed relationships. This includes sex. It ends up getting Gender Flipped though.
- One unfortunate man in Oglaf was cursed to give his partners instant orgasms. Problem is, they fall asleep immediately afterwards. And he can't even jack off because then his hand falls asleep on him.
- Jane from Nerf NOW!! tries to apply Speedrunning to life, which annoys Morgan. When Jane wants to get intimate, Morgan invokes this by going straight to climax before Jane can get started, telling her they can go back to regular sex when she drops her speedrun.
- The Simpsons:
- "And Maggie Makes Three", has a joke about this and Maggie's conception. Homer and Marge are kissing in bed; cut to a "Seconds Later" title card, and a mini-Homer sperm joins an egg saying "Woo-hoo!".
- In the episode "Life on the Fast Lane", after Marge & Homer have resolved their Marriage Problem of the Week, Marge surprises Homer at work:
Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're here to see me, right?
Marge: Of course! (cuddles and kisses him on the cheek)
(Homer picks her up and carries her past his cheering co-workers ["Way to go, Homer, Way to Go!"])
Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
- In a "Treehouse of Horror" episode, Marge gets abducted by Kang and Kodos to be impregnated. After selecting The Alley Behind a Porno Theater from a list of "common human spawning locations (the other options were the backseat of a car and a friends wedding):"
Kang: Look behind you! (Marge looks, Kang fires a green ray at her) Insemination complete!
Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick.
Kang: What are you implying?
Marge: Nothing... Nothing...
Kang: (checks imaginary watch) Oh, look at the time, I've got to go. You're a super gal, though. Call you some time! (Dumps Marge out of the spaceship)
- In "22 Short Films About Springfield", Apu intentionally provokes this: It's over in two seconds, as he's in a hurry.
- Family Guy:
- In the episode "PTV", the FCC starts censoring real life. When Lois and Peter are about to have sex, a guy from the FCC appears:
FCC man: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Those actions are highly inappropriate.
Lois: What? Wait a minute. We're not allowed to have sex?
FCC man: Oh, you can have sex, just no moaning, no tongue-kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.
Lois: Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...
Peter: I'm done. 'Night, Lois. (falls asleep on top of her)
- In the movie, Stewie arranges his loser future self, Stu to lose his virginity to his co-worker, Fran, which turns out badly:
Stu: I'm sorry. That's, um... That's never happened to me before.
Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex, or the 40 minutes of crying?
- The episode Blind Ambition had a scene where we could hear Peter and Lois having sex with the sound of all the coins Peter has ingested jangling around inside him, which lasts about ten seconds.
- In a cutaway sequence, Peter is surprised to find Superman playing cards in hell. Superman replies that he killed a hooker after she made the well-worn "faster than a speeding bullet" crack.
- Happened to Spider-Man in another cutaway, except in his case, he accidentally sprayed webs all over his unfortunate partner.
- This is something of a Running Gag with Peter, especially how unsatisfied Lois is with his lack of staying power.
- In the episode "PTV", the FCC starts censoring real life. When Lois and Peter are about to have sex, a guy from the FCC appears:
- Joked about in Justice League, much like the above old joke about Superman.
- Batman: The Brave and the Bold has a similar joke in an episode where Black Canary, Huntress and Catwoman sing a very innuendo-filled song about various male heroes:
"Flash's foes, they finish last
Too bad sometimes he's just too fast!
- A Running Joke in Bojack Horseman is BoJack's total lack of staying power.
- Duckman considers 40 seconds to be impressive.
- American Dad! had an unusual variation in "Poltergasm". Rather than being physically unable to keep going, Stan had started seeing sex as one of his missions, where the "target" was all that mattered. Since Francine didn't want to hurt his feelings, she was unable to tell him that she wasn't getting off that way, a situation that got worse to the point that a poltergeist phenomenon was created from her repressed sexual frustration.
- Robot Chicken: Used in one of the home movie clips from the "Bloopers" segment. In this case it was a clip from a hidden camera set up by the man in question, who's also one of the writers for Robot Chicken. He lasted about two seconds.
Girl: You have failed me as a boyfriend, and you have failed yourself as a man, Robot Chicken co-head writer Douglas Goldstein!