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Characters / Suburban Knights

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A list of characters from the Channel Awesome anniversary special Suburban Knights.

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    Group One 

The Nostalgia Critic as Link

Played by: Doug Walker

  • Becoming the Mask: After spending ages actively averting it, when he's had enough of everything he rants about all the crap that's happened to Link. Although, ranting about his life as the Critic would probably take up an episode of its own.
    • Also done at the end in a sadder way with Ma-Ti, he throws away his tie when he's rushing over and Ma-Ti knocks his glasses off. Those were the last two "Critic" identifiers left.
  • Break the Haughty: Done nicer than in Kickassia (he does get to be a good guy instead of just being willing to commit murder-suicide) but he still gets punished for being greedy. And with his reaction to Ma-Ti's death, it overlaps with Break the Cutie.
  • Call-Back: He reviewed The Legend of Zelda (1989) cartoon in an earlier review.
  • Character Development: From being a greedy asshole to a capable leader who can boost morale with a Rousing Speech. Not only that, but he keeps himself relatively stable compared to how he was in Kickassia. At the end, he even considers going on another quest to resurrect Ma-Ti. He also seems to have gotten his greed under control as he decides to hide the Gauntlet rather than profit from it after seeing the magic it uses is real.
    • The development also seeps into his usual episodes, in both a good and bad way. Good news is that he's learned all actions have consequences and pain is necessary, bad news is that his Miles to Go Before I Sleep side has gotten worse.
  • Cool Sword: The Master Sword, in fact... which unceremoniously (and unexpectedly) breaks in part 6.
  • Despair Event Horizon: Starts ranting about in-character woes when he grows sick of all the magic he's encountering.
  • The Ditz: Although he gets some intelligence back in part five.
  • Face Death with Dignity: Maybe he was Genre Savvy to know he'd get saved, but he looked surprisingly okay with things when Jaffers was about to kill him both times.
  • Flat-Earth Atheist: He refuses to believe in magic after meeting a lightning-spewing witch, but he still thinks a broken chain letter will bring bad luck.
  • Genre Savvy: He's aware of his Bad Boss tendencies in a crossover, and seems to be more receptive to other people's ideas and regrets having said Well, Excuse Me, Princess! to Lupa.
  • Hypocritical Humor: The Critic complains bitterly about the frequent spelling errors in the map. Note that Doug has, in the past, spelt "Nostalgia Critic" incorrectly in his reviews and manages to mess up the spelling in the credits of Suburban Knights.
  • Innocent Fanservice Guy: Until it was pointed out to him, he had no idea that he was wearing such a... revealing costume.
    • Reluctant Fanservice Girl: Genderswapped version. According to Iron Liz, Doug requested strongly on the first day that nobody look up his skirt. But due to wind and an apparently ungainly falling over, everyone did.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Film Brain, Ma-Ti and (to a lesser extent) 8-Bit Mickey get treated badly, but he listens to his team, sulkingly accepts the "lady lessons" Lupa teaches him and worries about the others when he realizes that the Big Bad is tracking them. He's also VERY upset about the death of his comrade.
  • Man in a Kilt: Yes, one more skirt trope.
  • Mean Boss: He starts off like this to everyone but he's nicer when he's with his team. But his treating Ma-Ti badly comes back to bite him in the ass. Hard.
  • Mr. Vice Guy: Oblivious, greedy, bitchy, bratty as hell... but still sympathetic and ultimately a good man.
  • Papa Wolf: After seeing Malachite effortlessly blow up people, he looks back at his team and is the first to confront him. It doesn't work, but it's the thought that counts.
  • Real Men Wear Pink: He claims that his outfit is "a manly costume."
  • Screams Like a Little Girl: Repeatedly, once the Witch shows her Red Eyes, Take Warning. Iron Liz and Linkara's commentary says that they were on the other end of the trail about half a mile away and could still hear him doing it.
  • Stripperiffic: That skirt is mini and the boots are short for no reason. Well, maybe one or two reasons...
    • According to the commentary, Doug was both freezing and sunburned everywhere. So it wasn't practical in real life either.
  • Throw the Dog a Bone: After his Despair Event Horizon, he gets to have a "Eureka!" Moment about the map and then he's one of the happiest to see Suede back.
  • Well, Excuse Me, Princess!: Says this to Lupa, then promptly tells the party to never let him say it again.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: He makes Chester search for the necronomicon because he really is desperate to a) not accept death and b) get Ma-Ti back.

The Nostalgia Chick as Arwen

Played by: Lindsay Ellis

  • Betty and Veronica: It's in the background, but she's (intentionally done, Lindsay said in the commentary) Ship Teased with Critic, Benzaie and JewWario. As we know, Critic's the femme, bratty, fucked up ball of need, while JewWario and Benzaie both prove to be men she can cling to and offer silent support. But in the end, those two seem to have lost.
  • Bilingual Bonus: In part one, the Chick says a line in gaelic- "pog ma thoin" (kiss my ass) which is translated as "it's cool".
  • Bishie Sparkle: More like Bishie White Flash.
  • Call-Back; In her Top 11 Embarrassing and Nostalgic Dance Crazes video, she puts The Macarena in Number 1.
  • Confusion Fu: Her weaponized montages are this; she circles the enemy, waving her arms and babbling to sufficiently confuse them before punching them in the face. Lampshaded by Todd and Bennet.
  • Dull Surprise: It's especially obvious during the scenes in Doug's house and the elf montage sections.
  • Gratuitous Foreign Language: She arrives in an Arwen costume and starts spouting Elvish words (which no one else could understand, and she had to angrily tell them to read the subtitles). It's not actual Elvish, though, but a mixture of Hindi, Irish, song lyrics, complete gibberish, complaining about her tight her dress is, quoting Lady Gaga lyrics and an odd choking sound.
  • Innocent Fanservice Girl: In her first close-up inside Doug's house (before they all dress up), she showcases quite some cleavage, which Lindsay said to not have noticed before watching.
  • Must Have Caffeine: In all the pre-Arwen scenes, she's drinking coffee.
  • The Stoic: Most of the time she's not really bothered by anything.
    • Not So Stoic: She's visibly distressed by the idea of Malachite getting his gauntlet back ("From the sound of it, everyone's gonna be screwed if he gets a hold of it!"), and is clinging to Jew Wario and teary-eyed during Ma-Ti's funeral.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: With the Critic. Although they're still snarky and Ship Tease-y, they're a lot less belligerent than they have been before.
  • Waxing Lyrical: While doing her "Arwen Montage" and speaking elvish, she inserts the line, "Chickity China/The Chinese Chicken/Have a drumstick/And your brain stops tickin'."

Linkara as King Arthur, as played by Sir Richard Harris

Played by: Lewis Lovhaug

Phelous as Rockbiter

Played by: Phelan Porteous

  • Ax-Crazy: Believes his figurines are alive. 8-bit Mickey thinks he's a little too into character.
    • In Part 2 Mickey questions his belief that his "friends" are alive... to which Phelous replies, "They're more alive than you!"
    • In Part 3 he talks to his "little friends" about killing Bennett... in front of Bennett.
  • Becoming the Mask: To a far greater extent than the others. He truly believes that he's the Rockbiter and that his action figures are alive.
    • Subverted in Part 6; he's just really good at staying in character.
  • Character Development: From Kickassia. He went from gleefully strangling the Critic and telling the others to "have fun" as return for all the idea-stealing, to coming out of a funk to protect him and calls him a friend.
  • Companion Cube: He starts treating a pair of action figures as being alive as soon as he puts on the costume.
  • Consulting Mister Puppet: His "little friends."
  • Heroic BSoD: "They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they?"
  • This Is Gonna Suck: When Malachite walks off an exploding car crash.

Benzaie as Conan the Barbarian

Played by: Benjamin Daniel

  • By the Power of Grayskull!: Attempted; when his sword gets hit by lightning and starts glowing, he shouts "I have the power!"... before the thing "blows up" in sparks.
  • Call-Back: In a previous video, he claimed that Conan was his favorite film of the 1980s.
  • Rage Against the Heavens: When Crom doesn't help in his hour of need.
  • Stealth Pun: Unintentional — he was supposed to say "Crom" when he makes his entrance, but Benzaie said "Come". This fits however with Nostalgia Critic's review of the Conan movies, where he includes a clip of Arnold comparing working out to "cumming".
  • Walking Shirtless Scene: He was going to have a latex chest, but found he couldn't easily move in it.

Obscurus Lupa as Snow White

Played by: Allison Pregler

  • Action Girl: During the battle with Jaffers' group.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: She stays in character most of the time, but gets scary once she's pissed off.
  • Blithe Spirit: At least when in-character.
    Lupa: I'm just gonna hang back here and be enchanted and shit.'''
  • Contractual Genre Blindness: Argues that due to her choice of character, she is required to be useless in battle.
  • Deadpan Snarker: "Oh yeah, fairy tales are SO based on reality."
  • Dude Magnet: We can add Sage, Joe and Critic to the list of guys who are attracted to her.
  • Dude, She's Like, in a Coma!: Sage and Critic fight over who gets to pull this on her, but she wakes up before they can.
  • Fainting: Does so in battle.
  • Fiery Redhead: "YOU'RE GONNA BE A LADY AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!!" (flawless smile)
  • Hell-Bent for Leather: Wears a black leather jacket after really getting into the action in the final battle. For Lupa herself, it was a practical move given the heavy wind.
  • Let's Get Dangerous!: In the battle against Jaffers.
  • Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy: With the Critic when she's not being princess-y. Eventually, he's learned his "bending like a lady" lesson while she's most happy with a gun.
  • More Dakka: Borrows an SMG from Joe when she decides to cut the crap.
  • Necktie Leash: Pulls this on the Critic a couple of times.
  • Tsundere: Type B. She's trying so very hard to be delicate and princess-like, but The Critic's brattiness isn't exactly easy to put up with.

Bennett the Sage as Aslan

Played by: Bennett White

Handsome Tom as Willow

Played by: Thomas Hanley

  • A Day in the Limelight: In Part 4 he defeats a witch by pepper-spraying her in the face as she rains down lightning bolts.
  • Demoted to Extra: He's had three lines, one spoken three times, in six episodes.
    • In the commentary, other cast members said he was to have gotten a slightly bigger role, but he begged off, saying "I'm just here to have fun" and doesn't think he's an especially good actor.
  • Fastball Special: Attempts to throw Mickey into battle. Emphasis on "attempts".
  • Lampshade Hanging: His "I'm Willow" lampshades the fact that most viewers probably aren't familiar with the film.
    • Or that those who are familiar with it wouldn't expect him to be well over six feet tall.
  • Nerves of Steel: When everyone else is freaking out about he Witch, he calmly walks up and pepper sprays her.
  • Precision F-Strike: When the Critic reveals that they've been following a chain letter, he simply says "You fucker".
  • Running Gag: "I'm Willow." (in a video, he even lampshades saying "Basically my only line in this is 'I'm Willow'")

8-Bit Mickey as Peter Pan

Played by: Michael Paradis

  • Ascended Extra: This movie gives him so many more lines, and showcases the emotions he goes through, than in Kickassia. His My Friends... and Zoidberg running jokes from the two first specials is all but forgotten.
  • Berserk Button: Don't point out how similar (i.e. short) he is to Peter Pan or comment on him never growing up.
  • Butt-Monkey: In order to get rid of him, The Critic tells Mai-Ti that Mickey has erectile dysfunction and can only get off to goats.
  • Don't Explain the Joke:
    Lupa: [addressing The Critic] Listen here, you skirted little green fairy!
    Mickey: It's funny because she isn't talking about me.
  • Fastball Special: Tries to have Tom use him for this. It fails miserably.
  • Non-Action Guy: So much that after flying around the villain, he says "That's all I got". (though he tries to fight Jaffer's team with a dagger, but the Critic is forced to "borrow" it...)
  • Non Sequitur, *Thud*: After the attempted Fastball Special with Tom.
    Mickey: The current time is 3:55. Thank you for flying Painful Airlines. *thud*

That Dude in the Suede

Played by: William DuFresne

    Group Two 

The Spoony One as Gandalf

Played by: Noah Antwiler

The Cinema Snob as Indiana Jones

Played by: Brad Jones

  • Call-Back: His intro illustration shows him holding a Crystal Pepsi.
  • The Cast Show Off: Rob and Doug chose the role because Brad kept on imitating Indy during filming of both the Leprechaun crossover and Kickassia
  • The Charmer: Effortlessly talks a random person into letting a group of 9 oddly dressed strangers into her house, even after Joe messed things up first.
  • Don't Make Me Take My Belt Off!: Airport security forced him to adopt this as opposed to the expected Whip It Good.
    • Which is hilarious when you learn that he actually arrived for the shoot by train.
      • Doubly hilarious when one recalls that he hates flying.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: This is his reaction to seeing Malachite do a fancy staff kata.
  • Stealth Pun: His real name's Brad Jones.
  • Theme Music Power-Up: An 8-bit version of... the "Raider's March", of course.
    • Brad said it is his cellphone ringtone, and even speculated that if it rung on the train (where he was in full costume), people would think "That's the biggest Indiana Jones fan ever!".

Angry Joe as Inigo Montoya

Played by: Joe Vargas

Marzgurl as San

Played by: Kaylyn Dicksion

Film Brain as Harry Potter

Played by: Mathew Buck

  • Always Someone Better: Luke is this as far as he's concerned.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!
    Cloak #1: Oh, look, a butterfly.
    Film Brain: WHERE?!
  • Brainwashed and Crazy: But he gets better.
  • Butt-Monkey: Though to a lesser degree than Ma-Ti.
  • Crazy Jealous Guy: Toward the Nostalgia Critic.
  • Distressed Dude: Got left behind and captured by the cloaks.
  • Hidden Depths: He tried to add a darker side to the overtly happy character, by having fights with Luke and such.
  • The Load: To the Cloaks. You can't really blame them for ditching him.
  • Pity the Kidnapper: Film Brain as Cloak 4 is so incredibly useless (including having to be carried at some point) that the Cloaks end up ditching him for being more trouble than he's worth.
  • The Pollyanna: He's always with a smile in his face. Which can be rather unnerving when he's obviously angry.
  • Screams Like a Little Girl
  • Weak-Willed: The Cloaks easily hypnotize him to their side.
    Cloak: Look into my eyes.
    Film Brain: I can't see your eyes! They're covered up!
    Cloak: Oh. Well, pretend you can see my eyes.
    Film Brain: Okay!
    Cloak: LOOK INTO THEM!
    (Film Brain lets out girly scream)
  • Yandere: As he sees Luke with The Critic.

Luke Mochrie also as Harry Potternote 

Played by: Kinley Mochrie

  • Canada, Eh?: She's a Canadian playing a Brit. She doesn't see the difference, but Film Brain...
    Film Brain: [Being Canadian]'s as British as being Turkish, you tit!
    Luke: What are you talking aboot?
    Film Brain: It's "about," you twat!
  • Costume Copycat: Debatable. If you look closely, Film Brain wears the costume seen in the first two films, Luke wears the uniform from the remaining films.
  • The Rival: For Film Brain.
  • You Would Do the Same for Me: Says this after saving Film Brain, marking the point where their relationship starts to thaw.
    Film Brain: Well now I would!

JewWario as Jareth

Played by: Justin Carmical

Paw Dugan as Profion

Played by: Paul Schuler

  • Anachronism Stew: Despite portraying a character from a medieval setting, he still retains his iconic headphones.
  • Ascended Extra: Technically not an extra, but he arguably had the smallest part in Kickassia. Here, he gets plenty of opportunities to ham it up.
  • Batter Up!: He does so with a tree branch to the Voice of the Ancient World.
  • Becoming the Mask: Not quite at the level of Phelous, but does seem to be rather concerned with gaining everybody's rage. Including that of the trees.
  • Call-Back: Obviously to the "Dungeons and Dragons" reviews on the site.
  • Evil Is Hammy: Normally Paw would be the more mellow of the reviewers, but he dishes out the ham like no other when in costume.
  • I Am Not Leonard Nimoy: Luke calls him "Jeremy Irons" rather than the character's name. Averted when Paw himself says "Home run for Profion!"
  • I Know Madden Kombat: Uses his staff to perform a "home run" on the Voice of the Ancient World.
  • Large Ham: Seems to be trying to one-up Jeremy Irons' hamminess in his take on the role.
  • Simple Staff: It's actually just a tree branch.
  • Verbal Tic: Tends to end his sentences with "AHHTSTSTSTS."

Todd in the Shadows as The Dread Pirate Roberts

Played by: Todd Nathanson

  • Blind Mistake: A common result of his mask.
  • Cool Mask: Which somewhat restricts his vision during the fight scene.
  • Dark Is Not Evil: Just as how it was in the original Princess Bride.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Like most of the cast, but he's pretty much the Only Sane Man on his team.
  • Playing with Fire: Was the one who dealt with the cremation.
    Nostalgia Critic: We'd like to thank Todd for handling the cremation, even though I don't think any of us want to know how, or why he did it.
    Todd: *holding a lighter* Yeah, it's probably best you don't ask.
  • Recognition Failure: At first, he thinks the cast didn't know who he was dressed as (even though they have an Inigo Montoya). Then he notices that they aren't recognizing Todd. Presumably the hoodie was his sole identifying mark to them.
  • Translator Buddy: Translates Spoony's high-flown fantasy dialogue into mundane terms for the rest of the group.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Apparently with the entire cast. When the Cloaks attack, he tells them to stop because:
    Todd: I barely know these guys, I just do music reviews! I don't even like these people!



  • Badass Longcoat: He might be evil, but he's got a kick ass coat- long, leather, and still manages to flap in the wind.
  • Berserk Button: His hatred of technology and all those who use and depend on it.
  • Big Bad: The main antagonist of the movie.
  • Black Eyes of Evil: It's a side effect of using too much magic without the gauntlet, as magic drains its user's life force.
  • Brought Down to Normal: A follow-up vid reveals he has been stripped of his powers and banished to a cafe in Wisconsin where he now works as a server.
  • Bullet Catch: Done with Linkara's gun.
  • Cast From Hitpoints: Magic drains his life force. He starts feeling the effects in Part 5.
  • The Cast Show Off: Orlando Belisle, Jr. is an accomplished martial artist and is able to showcase a lot of his moves in Part 7.
  • Catchphrase: "What do you think of the 21st century?" Usually said whenever he's talking to someone who refuses to stop using their technological gadgetry.
  • The Chessmaster: Malachite set everything in the story into motion and everyone dances to his tune.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: At least in regards to Stupid Evil below.
  • Cool Shades: Always wears sunglasses. He uses them to hide his Black Eyes of Evil.
    • Scary Shiny Glasses: Which the cast note in the commentary for the special, often shows the reflection of the cameraman in front of him.
    • Sinister Shades: Since he is the villain, they give him an air of menace.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: Does this to both Jaffers and his group and the TGWTG crew. Of course, they're a bunch of geeks with barely a real weapon between them and he's an immortal Magic Knight.
  • The Dreaded: Jaffers and his friends are doing their best to prevent Malachite from reclaiming his gauntlet.
  • Establishing Character Moment: He is walking in an open field and tries to hitch-hike. He is picked up by a very flighty, materialistic guy, which prompts him to complain about the effects of this century's modern technology on humanity, and eventually kills him with supernatural powers.
  • Evil Luddite: Given his backstory, it's no wonder he loathes all technology.
  • Evil Mentor: Malachite taught Jaffers magic when he tried to trick Jaffers into finding the gauntlet for him.
  • Fate Worse than Death: Malachite was not destroyed. Instead, he was banished to a little corner of Hell known as... the All Around Cafe, in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin, where he is a barista and the owner's resident Butt-Monkey.
  • The Gift: According to Atop the Fourth Wall, normally any wizard who became evil would eventually lose all powers, but Malachite is one of the few exceptions able to somehow ignore that weakness. The wizard who explains this also points out that Malachite was already ancient when the modern form of magic was young; modern wizards just aren't in his league.
  • Hellbent For Leather
  • Hidden Agenda Villain: For most of the story it's hard to tell just what his deal is, killing two people for relying on technology and walking around with an evil Leitmotif, but then helping Group 2 by returning their map. Turns out that Malachite couldn't find the gauntlet on his own, so he used the Channel Awesome crew to find it for him, sending the map as a chain letter and putting a tracking spell on it.
  • Home Run Hitter: A Megaton Punch throws Jaffers away, and a finger flick turns Spoony into A Twinkle in the Sky.
  • Hypocrite: For all his anti-technology preaching and killing people for relying on it, it's later revealed in the last part that he has a smartphone (an EVO 4G specifically). Oddly, he specifically states he's not a hypocrite.
    • It's implied that he doesn't even know what the word 'hypocrite' actually means (and doesn't care to find out).
  • Implacable Man: A car hits him and explodes as he crosses the street. It blows up and he continues on normally.
  • The Juggernaut: Probably the main reason why he's so intimidating. No matter what the critics throw at him during the final fight, he keeps shrugging it and continues to fight.
  • Knight of Cerebus: Any time he's onscreen, things get grim.
  • Ludd Was Right: His perspective is shown to lie here from the very beginning.
  • Magic Knight: In a way. He is a powerful mage, but also a strong physical fighter, and demonstrates several times that he knows martial arts.
  • Meaningful Name: His name is a reference to a green crystal and probably what the crystal that powers the gauntlet is made of.
  • Mundane Utility: Occasionally uses his incredible, earth shattering magic powers to do things like... pick up his fallen hat.
  • Nietzsche Wannabe: He wants to destroy the world and all its technology.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: It's implied a few times that he may not be as hypocritical as Team TGWTG think he is and may have just been after the destruction of the world out of revenge for not being the founder of modern civilization.
  • Really 700 Years Old: He's an immortal wizard from ancient times.
  • Simple Staff: He uses it while walking... and also to block bullets.
  • The Sociopath: He's a very self-centered hypocrite.
  • Sparing the Final Mook: Surprisingly enough, yes. Despite never having shown an ounce of mercy, having murdered people simply for relying on technology while in his presence, and having killed or attacked several members of Jaffers' gang despite them not resisting (Jaffers) or not having attacked him, (the Witch and Cat) when the last Cloak says "Screw This, I'm Outta Here!" and runs away rather than fight him, Malachite just lets him go rather than take a second to finish him off.
  • Spell My Name with an "S": The special shows his name as both Malachite in the actor credit and Malachite elsewhere. Given Doug's propensity for misspelling words, it is unknown at this point which is the correct spelling (though probably "Malachite", which is an actual word and makes it a Meaningful Name).
  • Spin to Deflect Stuff: Done with the bullets shot by Joe and Lupa's machine guns.
  • Stupid Evil: Downplayed. At the very least, he seems to be unaware of his hypocrisy. Stating he's not a hypocrite could mean that he might not even know the meaning of the word.
  • The Unsmile: After he's banished to the All-Around Cafe he's forced to smile for the customers, but is only capable of giving one of these.
  • Vile Villain, Saccharine Show: The world of That Guy With The Glasses is by no means a happy-go-lucky land, and the special is no exception. But he's still a far more imposing and sinister villain than you would expect from the site's productions, and accumulates a fairly large body count to his name.
  • Would Hit a Girl: He's an equal opportunity bad guy. Though in Nostalgia Chick's case, he allows a switch for a stunt double, Nella.

Chuck Jaffers

Played by: Rob Walker
  • Go Mad from the Revelation: He was heard raving about Malachite's Hand in the days leading up to his disappearance.
  • Harmless Villain: Ultimately. When you're so pathetic that you make the Critic look competent in comparison, you know you're in trouble.
  • Hero Antagonist: Jaffers just wants to keep Malachite from the gauntlet and thinks the reviewers aren't worthy guardians. Never mind that he's blatantly incompetent and that the TGWTG crew massively outnumbers Jaffers' group, which means they might have a slightly better chance of guarding the gauntlet.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: He completely misses everyone in Team 1 at point blank range!
  • Knight Templar: After hearing how The Internet Is for Porn, he decides Channel Awesome can't possibly be pure enough for his purposes.
  • Loners Are Freaks: Subverted, he is actually a perfect normal person(even if a little odd due to being from the past), who is perfectly aware Dungeons & Dragons is just a game, and even comments that he started to get suspicious when Malachite seemed to take the search for malachite's hand as real.
  • Madlibs Catch Phrase: "A little too <adjective>..."
  • Posthumous Character: Presumably; he's been missing for just over 30 years before the special began. Turns out he was just sealed in a book.
  • Sealed Good in a Can: Though technically a good guy in that he's against Malachite, he's an antagonist to the Channel Awesome crew for deciding they aren't worthy of finding the gauntlet.
  • Shadow Archetype: Personality-wise, he's the Critic without the likability.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Critics deemed not worthy of protecting the Gauntlet? Kill them all.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?: When Malachite sends Spoony flying into the air, he eventually falls back on the battlefield. Jaffers, meanwhile, never reappears. Then again, he did get shot up instead of at an angle...
    • Also, note that Spoony is only finger flicked into the air, while Jaffers is sent flying with a Megaton Punch.
    • Now we know what happened! He was launched into space, the gravity of various objects in the solar system pulling him into an elliptical orbit. A piece of debris from Turrell's exploded ship knocked him back to Earth five years after the events of Suburban Knights, Cloak 1 cushioning his fall. He was kept alive by a trance spell keeping him in suspended animation. Although it's also suggested he got back long before and Cloak 1 is paying him to fake it for his video.

The Last Angry Geek, Jim Jarosz, and Iron Liz as The Cloaks

Played by: Brian Heinz, James Jarosz, and Elizabeth Skochil
  • Anachronism Stew:
    Cloak 1: Unleash the fire of a thousand arrows!
    Cloak 3: You mean the machine gun?
    Cloak 1: [Beat] Yes.
  • Cast From Hitpoints: Magic drains life energy, causing Cloak 1 to start panting after several lightning balls.
    Cloak 3: Don't use the magic. You know what it does to you! And besides, you're a lousy shot.
  • Distinctive Appearances: Despite being dressed identically, it's possible to tell which Cloak you're looking at. The one played by The Last Angry Geek because of his size compared to the other two, and the one played by Iron Liz due to having boobs and wearing gloves (which were actually driving gloves).
  • Enemy Mine: Kind of. When Malachite shows up they stop fighting the reviewers and go after him instead.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: One of the Cloaks hits Angry Joe when he says Santa doesn't exist to a little girl.
  • Evil Sounds Deep: Their normal speaking voices are whispery, but the howl they give off when angered certainly qualifies.
  • Expy: For the Ringwraiths and possibly the Shadowlords.
  • The Faceless
    Cloak: Look into my eyes.
    Film Brain: I can't see your eyes! They're covered up!
    Cloak: Oh. Well, pretend you can see my eyes.
    Film Brain: Okay!
    Cloak: LOOK INTO THEM!
  • Genre Savvy: They can quote The Princess Bride!
    • Wrong Genre Savvy: On the other hand, they believe the reviewers are honorable opponents...
  • Help, I'm Stuck!: Covered slides were not designed for husky gentlemen like Cloak 1.
  • Honor Before Reason: When the battle of the playground is interrupted, the parties find another playground to resume. As the Cloaks take their places, the heroes just leave and make fun of their "too assuming" adversaries.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: Neither Cloak 1 with his lightning blasts or Cloak 3 with the "fire of a thousand arrows" (a machine gun) are very accurate.
  • Mook Chivalry: Two of the cloaks do this while fighting Malachite. It doesn't end well.
  • More Dakka: When they pull a machine gun.
  • Pity the Kidnapper: After brainwashing Film Brain into their ranks, they spend the next part trying to get rid of him.
  • The Reveal: Cloak 1 is revealed to be the Last Angry Geek as he does his Screw This, I'm Outta Here! moment.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: After seeing Malachite effortlessly beat the other Cloaks and give Jaffers a Megaton Punch into orbit, Cloak 1 does this.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?: Cloak 1 flees the field as the Last Angry Geek, but 2 and 3 are unaccounted for at the end. They aren't shown to be killed like Cat's puppeteer and the witch, nor are they shown being knocked away like Jaffers. They just... vanish.
    • Real Life Writes the Plot: Iron Liz and Linkara's commentary says that while fighting Malachite, he accidentally kicked her in the knee really hard, to the point that she was limping for the better part of a week, so for the rest of the filming of that scene she was inside lying down.
  • You Are Number 6: Refer to each other as Cloak 1, Cloak 2, and Cloak 3.


Played by: Dave Myers

Witch Warrior/The Good Witch Of The Woods

Played by: N. Cardena

  • Affably Evil: Acts like a sweet old lady, even when talking about how she's going to kill everyone.
  • Ambiguously Evil: As pointed out by Linkara, her character wasn't doing anything wrong per se.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: See Affably Evil above. She also tries her best to tolerate being tormented by Critic and the others. It doesn't end very well.
  • Cherry Tapping: Is defeated by pepper spray.
    • She is defeated again in part 6 by a simple punch in the face from Suede.
  • Dark Is Not Evil: Certainly better than the "heroes".
  • Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: She may be relatively pleasant, but she's still a frigging witch. Not exactly smart to push her buttons.
  • "Eureka!" Moment: Gets one when Critic mentions the chain letter, and almost instantly guesses who sent it and why.
  • Fate Worse than Death: Promises that this will happen to the Critic and others when she gets fed up with their teasing, saying among other things that Eldritch Abominations from H.P Lovecraft will eat their eyes.
  • Glass Cannon: She can deal out lightning like nobody's business, but can't seem to take a hit.
  • HA HA HA—No: She takes the abuse of Critic and his team in stride, for a while.
  • I am a Humanitarian: Intends to smash in the brains of the reviewers and drink from their bleeding skulls.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy
  • Mercy Kill: Believes she's doing this to The Critic's group.
    "Oh, oh dear. Perhaps it's better if you die now rather than wait for what's coming. I know what hunts you, and believe me it's much kinder if I just smash your brains in and drink from your bleeding skull."
  • Non-Indicative Name: Unless shooting lightning at people and saying they'd be better off dead counts as "Good".
  • Punny Name: The map refers to her as "Witch Warrior" in order for the riddle to work.
    • Technically it calls her "Wich Warrior", Jaffers forgot the T.
  • Red Eyes, Take Warning: Her eyes glow red when she loses her patience.

The Voice of the Ancient World

Voiced by: James Rolfe


    Supporting Cast 

Ma-Ti (from Captain Planet)

Played by: Bhargav Dronamraju


Played by: James Troken

The Gate Cleaner

Played by: Noah Antwiler

  • Accidental Misnaming: Doug didn't know the character's name, and wrote him in the script as "Dungeon Master." This resulted in Spoony not realizing that he was expected to film those scenes until the main shoot was over, and Doug asked him to get the shots to him within two weeks.
  • Call-Back: He played him in his Nightmare review and one of his Ultima reviews.
  • Doomy Dooms of Doom: He even says he's contractually obligated to start every appearance with "DOOOOOM!"
  • Henpecked Husband: His scene ends when he gets a call from his wife (also played by Noah) asking if he remembered the croutons.


Voiced by: Jason Pullara

  • Jerkass: Crom sees anyone who openly prays to him as a weakling. Benzaie is very lucky Crom didn't smite him on the spot, as Crom has done in those cases.


Played by Elisa Hansen

That Guy With the Glasses

Played by: Doug Walker

  • Catchphrase: Gets two of them in as his first two lines: "Oh, _____, didn't hear you come in" and "That's a very good question".
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: He makes it ridiculously easy for Team B to get both things they want.



Played by: Antonella Inserra
  • Butt-Monkey: It's Nella, what do you expect?
  • Stunt Double: She'll gladly cover the Chick's stunts, even putting her own life on the line!
  • Written-In Infirmity: Lindsay said she would be "my Patsy", but as Nella couldn't get enough time off work, it was reduced to a cameo.

Larry Prince

Played by: Barney Walker