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    B 
  • Bad Boss:
    • This customer claims that the cashier (OP's mom) gave him incorrect change. The manager immediately believes him and yells at her to give him the "correct" change, saying that "women are so bad at math". At the end of the day, the cashier's till is short by the exact amount the customer was given and she is fired, with the manager not considering this incident and realizing that she was actually correct.
    • This customer orders one item at a drive-thru, is asked if that will be everything and says yes, then whines when the cashier politely asks him to continue his order at the till if he wants to add more items. He promptly complains to the manager, who apparently takes every claim he made at face value and threatens to fire the submitter for their nonexistent "bad attitude".
    • This sales VP, who likes to boast about her wealthy lifestyle and treats people who work for her like servants, is returning from a conference and finds that one of her "underlings" on the same flight as her has used air travel points to upgrade to first-class. Incensed that someone beneath her on the corporate ladder should have a better seat (which, again, he paid for with his own points), she demands that the flight crew swap their seats. Unsurprisingly, they refuse, and eventually have to threaten her with removal from the plane to get her to back down.
    • Not Always Working is, in part, dedicated to examples of terrible bosses.
  • Bad Liar: This doctor was way too eager to try to throw off the stop setter, seeing how all the sentences contradict each other. Not to mention that the stop setter hadn't actually gotten around to mentioning the dogs yet.
  • Bad People Abuse Animals: Many stories that take place at a veterinary office or pet store.
    • This woman is willing to kill newborn puppies with lethal amounts of flea medicine so they don't infect her purebred Yorkshire terrier.
    • This horrible woman. When a pet store owner informs her that they don't sell feeder mice for snakes, she gets her boyfriend/husband to purchase a mouse from the store, then takes photos of herself abusing the mouse just to spite the store owner, including ones that show her dangling it over boiling water, holding it above her dog's mouth, using it as a ball in a game of catch, and throwing it in the toilet. Thankfully, the mouse survives and the submitter keeps it as a pet, while the woman is arrested, and ultimately sentenced to community service and a month behind bars.
    • This nurse, who hates bats and considers them filthy and diseased, admits that when she was young, she and her friends made a game out of knocking bats out of the air with badminton racquets and stomping on them.
    • In this story, a woman roughly drags her puppy around on a choke chain and kicks it when it won't get out of her car. She then thinks the submitter 'hexed' her dog when the submitter got the puppy to behave just by being nice and understanding. The woman is arrested for animal abuse and the submitter's dad's girlfriend kept the puppy (unsurprisingly, the dog's issues were mostly related to being dragged around on a choke chain, not its attitude) and treated the poor thing much better.
    • The man in this story has evidently never bred (nor even owned) dogs before. The man walks into the pet store looking for "puppy formula" (which doesn't exist). The man cites an unknown article on Google that says that dogs can't eat solid food until they're two years old. This isn't true (the submitter confirms they can eat solid food as early as four weeks old). The dogs in question are seven weeks old and have apparently been weaning off their mother's milk for that entire interval. The man wants the puppy formula because the mother has been milked dry from the unnecessarily long weaning period and he also asks for cream because her nipples are bleeding. As the submitter puts it, "some people shouldn't be allowed to have pets."
    • This woman ends up getting her son's bird's wings clipped. The issue is that she refuses to allow the bird ample time to heal (there was some bleeding), but she tries to blame the store for "traumatizing" the bird. The woman is definitely to blame for her stupidity.
    • This woman is at a garden store and is purchasing a box. The worker asks what the box is being used for and the woman responds: decomposing. What? It turns out that her dog is dead and she's planning on using it as compost to which she asks if it's legal to compost pets. She said that the dog was useless in real life but can be useful in death. It gets worse though. It becomes apparent that she has the dead dog in a bag in her other hand.
  • Badass Adorable: Anytime a young child sets an adult (who should know better) straight or comes to someone's rescue. Such as this one.
    • The martial arts student in this story flattens a man who was sexually harassing some teenage dance students, then follows up by kicking him in the crotch until he's too crippled by pain to move. Then asks if she can buy an ice cream.
  • Badass Teacher: This editor's wife. Primary school trainer and judo master all in one? Why not?
  • Bait-and-Switch: A narrator-based example here. A lifeguard disciplines some kids who are acting up, and the girl yells that she's going to tell her father. True to her word, the father comes up, described as "rather large and intimidating". You might expect him to yell at the lifeguard something like "how dare you talk to my little girl like that"... but nope, he just apologizes for his daughter's behavior, and furthermore tells the head lifeguard about the whole thing, which results in an official commendation for the lifeguard.
  • Based on a Great Big Lie: At least, this is what you hope about some of the entries; but it's impossible to know exactly how many are fakes.
  • Bavarian Fire Drill: This idiot is the victim of a particularly bizarre one - a person in plain clothes barged into their home, took their DVD player on the basis that the company they work for no longer sells DVD playersnote , and directed the victim to a company that never sold DVD players in the first place. The submitter's coworker advises the idiot to call the police.
  • Be Careful What You Wish For:
    • A man in full prayer garb refuses to pay for the pornographic television on his hotel bill. He claims that he flipped to that channel "by accident", despite the bill stating that he watched at least two hours of said porn. He continues to rant that a religious man like him would never willingly expose himself to such filth, but eventually gives up and angrily throws a wad of money at the receptionist. The next day, the religious man calls back with another complaint, but the receptionist simply says that all pornographic channels are now locked so he will no longer "be exposed to such filth", just like he asked.
    • This woman demands a full refund from a website because they "lied to her" and "are an unethical company" ... because they sent her an email stating that they were able to get the delivery done two days ''early''. The woman not only demands a refund, but states that she does want the delivery early, and that she doesn't want to give it back in any way. When the submitter refuses (since the submitter notes that the woman has given no reason to give a refund and that the call is being recorded, preventing any dispute from the bank), the caller hangs up and then calls back 29 times to get the submitter fired. The company gives her the refund, and then redirects the order back to them, blocks her account, address, credit card number, phone number, and IP address from being able to order from the system, and bans her from the site.
    • "I demand to be refunded everything I paid for my phone line during your outage!" "I've applied a refund of 6c to your account."
    • Combined with Mugging the Monster here. The rude customer here first throws his ID at the clerk (it lands on the desk), and when offered a manger or supervisor, instead insists on speaking to (read shouting at and insulting) the house-keeping staff, who were short handed due to a flu outbreak. He quickly changes his mind when house-keeping arrives and has heard how [Clerk] was treated.
    • This entitled woman goes to a grocery store with a long list of generic groceriesnote  and demands that the staff do her shopping for her because she's in a hurry. Two and a half hours later, the staff have gotten her shopping... but since she failed to specify brands, they've gathered the most expensive brand of everything, bringing her total up to $1,400.
    • This hotel, owned by a person who is very strict about hygiene, has a policy in place for guests who can't wear masks during the COVID-19 Pandemic for health reasons. It boils down to reducing the guest's contact with other people via having curbside check-in, the restaurant's food being for in-room dining only, no housekeeping for the entire stay and being fine with the customer wearing a face-shield instead. One of the policy's side effects is driving away people who are only pretending to have health reasons so they can get away with not wearing a mask for ideological reasons, as they usually take issue with some combination of not having any housekeeping, not being able to dine in the restaurant and being expected to wear a face-shield.
    • A judge at a 4H fair's vegetable contest is harassed by a contestant's mother, insisting that her son's tomatoes are not second-place tomatoes, and the judge will change the ribbon because she's married to the fair board secretary and always gets her way. So the judge exchanges the second-place ribbon for a "participation" ribbon, meaning that instead of winning second place, the son's tomatoes don't place at all (though he doesn't visibly care).
  • Beat: Sometimes precedes a customer realizing his or her own stupidity. For example, after failing primary school level math problems.
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Ask in the nearest bookstore. In the history section. Also, the role of Captain America in World War II is sadly understated.
    • Batman hides out in Tennessee these days. Thankfully, this came from a child.note 
  • Belief Makes You Stupid: Tons of people who would give even Pat Robertson a run for his money in the sheer insanity department, if not the asshole department. Half of them go into Fridge Horror because they are showing signs of dementia and/or Alzheimer's.
    • Then there are the more benign, but still insane, ones like this person, who is the polar opposite of a young-earth creationist.
    • A fundamentalist alum of a certain college tries her hardest to "justify" the stupidity. "You don't need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you."
    • Those people have nothing on this lady, who, because of her beliefs, winds up falling for a Paper-Thin Disguise, half of which wasn't even part of the disguise.
    • How about this lady? She doesn't seem to understand the point of there being other religions besides Christianity.
    • For this customer, a "photo converter" apparently means converting "devil worshippers" into Christians.
    • And for this customer, computer wizards are as vile as "real" wizards are, even if they're only connected by name.
    • This person bought a toy sword, armor, and shield set for their son, and demanded a refund for it. What happened? The son started playacting like any kid with a toy sword, armor, and shield would do. The customer is convinced that means the toy is possessed, rather than believe that their son was just being normal.
    • This mother believes her son had a seizure, despite the son himself admitting he was doing something else, because "he's a good Christian boy and would never touch himself in such a horrible way". She adamantly demands that he be taken to the ER and the EMTs present eventually relent. Hope the medical bills and trauma were worth it, lady.
    • A customer believes her church when they say Doctor Who is evil. Somehow, this entitles her to demand the person watching an episode of the show, on their smartphone, with headphones on, and otherwise minding their own business, to turn it off. Apparently, even with that level of non-disturbance, she still felt threatened by it.
    • This lady somehow can't even tell the difference between a star shape and a pentagram.
    • Inverted here, where a customer asks the cashier (who is wearing a small cross necklace) about her religious beliefs, and then goes off about how Christians have "centuries of blood" on their hands and demanding a refund simply because that cashier touched the drink he ordered.
    • Played straight VS Averted squares off here, where a lady tries to use religion to discriminate against a man born of an Islamic family (who himself is not even Muslim, but Catholic), who explodes on her with a massive "The Reason You Suck" Speech. Though the end of the story implies she was just a dime-store bigot using religion as a justification for it, since she later threatens violence against a Japanese exchange student presumably working his way through college (which gets her arrested).
    • This woman demands that a store take down signs wishing people a happy Diwali, because apparently acknowledging religious holidays other than the ones she observes is "racist".
    • Other religions are starting to get in on the act. A woman in clearly Islamic garb walks into a bakery and orders a ham and cheese sandwich. The cashier, knowing Muslims can't eat pork asks her if she is, in fact, a Muslim as ham is made of pork. She flies into a rage and accuses the submitter of being racist by questioning her religion and demands that he get her the ham sandwich. Once she gets the sandwich and bites into it, she brings it back to the cashier demanding that he be fired for giving her the sandwich with pork that she ordered. When the manager arrives on the scene, and learns what's going on, she begins shouting at him in Arabic. He says something back to her in Arabic that causes her to become very angry and storm out. What did he say?
    "You clearly have ears and a brain, but it will take you years to learn how to use them."
    • This woman thinks that a guy got injured because he said a swear word, and not because of the paint can that fell on his head which caused him to swear in the first place.
    • Another self-proclaimed Muslim here. The caller complains about a sandwich having a "bacon" taste, saying that Muslims can't eat pork, and accusing the workers of not cleaning the grill before swapping out meats... when ordering a sausage and egg sandwich. Unless specified otherwise, like "turkey sausage," sausage is also made of pork.
    • This customer seems to believe math and money are the work of the Devil, although the submitter suspects he could have been using that as an excuse to get free stuff.
    • This woman believes anyone who works in retail is part of the "servant class", whose entire purpose is to serve people like her for life and are not allowed to rise from their station. The worker who's serving her, a university student, is not only shocked but offended that she tells him to stop studying and stay working retail, and asks for someone else to cover the lady's purchase while he calms down.
    • This Mormon customer seems to think all employees who work at the Mariott Hotel chain are all Mormons and take orders from the Mormon Church. He goes mad at the submitter, a Mariott employee, for breaking Mormon religious rules by drinking beer even though the submitter is not a Mormon which the customer refuse to believe. And when the customer demands a manager to punish submitter, he freaks out when he learns the manager is an Arab Muslim, accusing everyone in the hotel as heathens before presumably leaving the hotel to find another one that matches his criteria.
  • Benevolent Boss: Many of the managers included in these stories fall under this trope by backing up their beleaguered employees; those who don't usually end up on Not Always Working instead.
  • Berserk Button: For a good number of the customers, not getting their way is enough to get them to fly off the handle, sometimes to the point of attacking someone.
    • A woman who thought she got shortchanged proceeds to light a cigarette and set the merchandise on fire only to realize she had the correct change and runs away.
    • This man attempts to donate some parrots to a second hand store because he doesn't want to deal with cleaning the mess they make anymore. The man gets angry when they refuse to take them and then proceeds to open the cage and release the birds. Needless to say, the birds proceed to literally rain hell by shitting all over the store. After the parrots are finally put back in the cage, the manager has to call an animal shelter and the employees are stuck for over three hours past closing cleaning up the mess.
    • This teenage boy gets caught trying to shoplift a movie. The LP officer catches him and his parents proceed to attack the officer when they hear their son shriek. They all proceed to get into a huge wrestling fight and security ends up arresting all three of them!
  • Beware the Nice Ones: As phrased by her toddler: "Uh oh. Mama MAD."
  • Big Brother Is Watching: This woman apparently believes traffic cameras work in this manner.
  • Big Damn Heroes: Many stories involve another person stepping in to stand up to particularly nasty customers, whether it be a boss, a coworker, or even a fellow customer.
  • Big Eater:
  • Bilingual Backfire: Happens twice over in one story: not only does the subject of the remark understand, so does a nearby bartender, making this a double backfire.
  • Binary Suns: Surprisingly enough, our solar system doesn't have this feature, to the dismay of a tourist who traveled to Norway to see the "midnight sun" but didn't quite understand what that meant.
  • Birds of a Feather: A rather disgusting example here. A woman urinates on the floor and smears her feces onto several books when she doesn't get her way. Her boyfriend does the same when the police arrest her.
  • Black Comedy: This.
    Old Customer: I need to return this.
    Submitter: Okay. Was there something wrong with it?
    Old Customer: No, but it says that it lasts for 14 years. I’m not going to live that long!
  • Bland-Name Product: With very, very, very few exceptions, any trademarked item that gets namedropped in a story will have that name excised in favor of a generic "[Brand Name]" or "[Item]" or similar label. Sometimes people in the comments are able to figure out company names and locations from very few context clues provided in the story.
    • An example of exception is here, where both Bath & Body Works and Bed Bath & Beyond are mentioned by name due to a customer conflating the two names — the story would not make sense if the names were rendered generic.
  • Blatant Lies:
    • Numerous accounts of customers trying very poorly to bullshit their way out of paying for something, as well as employees going along with crazy or stupid customers' misconceptions or conspiracy theories in order to get out of the conversation.
    • Most complaints filed during or after stories are also wildly embellished. For example, cashier refusing to take a return on a $3 kazoo because it was not defective as the customer claimed somehow means the cashier "threw a kazoo at her", and a dollar-off coupon being invalidated due to the customer returning the goods that got her that coupon means the cashier "threatened the life of her and her child" and "chased her out of the store".
  • *Bleep*-dammit!: NSFW language in stories is censored, but not necessarily all of a compound word. Exactly what gets censored and how (e.g. "ass-h***" versus "a**hole") varies, due to the number of different submitters' styles.
  • "Blind Idiot" Translation: There's a whole category for it - "Lost In Translation".
  • Book Safe: What this customer apparently was looking for.
  • Bothering by the Book: This chef shuts down a homophobic bigot by listing off a good half dozen Bible verses that she failed to follow.
  • Bowdlerize: Possibly the only site on the Web that stars out "hell" and isn't explicitly Christian. Martha Stewart uses saltier language. You get used to it, though.
    • It got worse after the switch to Disqus, as afterward swears in comments were as heavily censored as in the stories.
  • Brand Name Takeover: "By 'Coke' I meant 'soda!'" This is actually a regular part of the dialect in parts of the American South, especially the Atlanta area.
  • Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:
    Boy 1: Look! There's my mom!
    Boy 2: This [theater] has previews!
    Boy 3: This [theater showing a sex scene] has BOOBIES!!
    (We managed to distract them with a scary story, and luckily the parents were very understanding. I’m just glad they didn’t see anything below the waist!)
  • Buffy Speak:
  • Bully Hunter: Many stories involve a third party (sometimes a fellow workmate, sometimes themselves a customer) who, upon encountering an unreasonable character trying to bully a server into getting what they want (or even just to be a Jerkass), feel the need to intervene.
  • Bullying a Dragon: Don't mock a bunch of guys with swords, especially at a Renaissance festival.
  • But I Can't Be Pregnant!: Multiple customers attempt to return used pregnancy tests (which no store allows, of course) when they get positive results under the belief that they could not possibly be pregnant. Why would they be using the tests in the first place if they "can't" be pregnant? Examples include: here, here, and here.
    • This girl insists she cannot be pregnant because she's a lesbian. She is not attracted to women. She has a boyfriend. She just "knows" lesbians "can't" get pregnant, and therefore declared herself one.
    • This mother insists that her daughter's pregnancy diagnosis is obviously false because her angel of a daughter is obviously a virgin, despite the implication that said daughter was in an intimate situation with her boyfriend and the mother knew it.
  • Buxom Is Better: According to these customers, it is, to the point where the employee's C-cupsnote  are "tiny" to them.
  • By "No", I Mean "Yes": All the time.
    • Frequently literal variations, such as a bacon cheeseburger with no bacon, but not a cheeseburger which becomes the same bacon cheeseburger upon adding, you guessed it, bacon. Frequently a Pyrrhic Victory for the customer as well, as the typical customer's "cashier is always trying to cheat me" attitude makes them blind to the above logic and they insist on paying for the more expensive thing without including the ingredients that make it more expensive.
    • Also, the hamburger with cheese that is absolutely not a cheeseburger, and its opposite, the cheeseburger without cheese that is absolutely not a hamburger.
    • A subversion: An iced coffee without the coffee is not milk and ice, but milk, ice, and tea.
    • "We'll have the cheese eggs with no cheese, and regular eggs with cheese." And then they get upset when they are charged for one lot of cheese eggs and one lot of regular ones, even though — however you look at it — that's exactly what they ordered.

    C 

    D 

    E 
  • Eagleland: Some customers are more AMERICA! than Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series. Examples here and here. And those are the milder examples. The site also has non-Americans assuming that all Americans are Type 2, only to get proven wrong by the Americans they're trying to scam/talk down to.
    • This visitor to a Canadian theme park seems to think that VIP lines for Americans exist for some reason.
    • Unfortunately for this couple, not all Americans are idiots.
    • This is a classic example of a Type 2 Eaglelander. Thinks Canada is simply another part of the great United States? Check. Treats anyone who isn't immediately identifiable as "American" as an "immigrant (who probably came here illegally)"? Check. Has a prominent Texan accent? Check.
  • Early Installment Weirdness:
    • For much of the site's early life, only certain stories were tagged by theme (e.g. "Geeks Rule" or "Bigotry"). Nowadays, every story is (albeit sometimes with dubious applicability).
    • Many early stories are grab-bags of assorted customer quotes with a common theme, which was gradually phased out in favor of one-shot anecdotes.
    • A few early stories are copied verbatim from other sources, most often Rinkworks' Computer Stupidities or Things People Said pages. The site now stresses that any submitted content must be original.
  • The Easy Way or the Hard Way: Saying this doesn't work all that well in real life when you're just a teenager.
  • El Spanish "-o": This man offers to "translate" because his buddy (supposedly) doesn't speak English.
    Police Officer: Okay, then… ask him where he got the tire.
    "Translator": Where-o get-o el tire-o?
    Police Officer and Buddy: staring in disbelief
  • Elvis Has Left the Planet: And gone to Vegas, apparently.
  • End of the World as We Know It: Which means warranties will be worthless.
  • Engaging Conversation: Here; also counts as a Geeky Turn-On.
  • Enhance Button: Customers seem to expect photo labs to have one of these.
  • Entitled Bastard: Arguably the most common trait of customers in these stories. If even a fraction of them are factual, there is a depressingly large number of customers convinced that rules and laws (even laws of physics) don't apply to them. A very common variant is customers demanding that they get something entirely free of charge if even one inconsequential thing goes wrong in the process of purchasing it (or sometimes even when it doesn't). Add stores where there actually are discounts extended to employees or through some other metric that very few people can apply for and things turn sour very quickly.
    • And then there's this woman, who seems to think that spending a lot of money at a store entitles her to be able to flag down any of its employees and have them taxi her about.
  • Epic Fail: Some people go above and beyond mere eccentric or obnoxious behaviour to true failure:
    • The woman who tells her boyfriend he'll be sleeping on the couch, but they don't actually live together. That's just the start of a downward spiral; it leads to the boyfriend and the cashier getting engaged.
    • Two underage teenagers try to buy cigarettes, but are obviously turned down. After trying to fool the cashier with a learner's permit (which has expired, has no picture on it, and clearly proves they're underage), they beg someone else to buy them cigarettes... a uniformed police officer, to be specific. Luckily, they gave up after that.
    • This man uses a car wash to wash his clothes, and demands a refund when it doesn't work! Using a service to do something it was never meant to do, and then complaining when it doesn't do that thing... way to go, guy.
    • This woman: upon having the concept of defragging her computer explained as "basically cleaning up your computer," she comes to the conclusion that this means put the thing in the dishwasher.
    • The stories filed under "extra stupid" tend to fall under this.
    • A scammer claims to be part of the government. For some reason, they called a government-operated center to attempt this.
    • This drunk man hits on a girl at a bar. She's already married. He says he could probably beat up her man. She smiles and doesn't disagree with the drunk, but when he tries it, she floors him. Drunk gets up and asks the bartender to throw the woman and her husband out, and when the bartender refuses, the drunk claims to be the owner's brother... whereupon the bartender reveals that she's also the owner and that while she doesn't have a brother, that woman he was just harassing and got punched out by is her little sister. And the cherry on top? He was finally thrown out by the bouncer, a.k.a. the husband of the bartender! Epic fail times four!
    • This woman is looking for doorknobs ... at a pool supply store. The submitter explaining this is being "rude" because he supposedly refused to sell them (as opposed to not having them at all). The person that the woman complains to minutes later? The submitter, who is also the manager. Upon finding this out, the woman speeds away and is pulled over by a police officer whom she cut off.
    • This woman complained about her lawnmower suddenly catching on fire and wanted a refund. This is certainly an issue, but it becomes clear that this woman has made a grievous error: While, it's true that lawnmowers run on oil, that doesn't mean any type of oil. This woman apparently poured vegetable oil rather than motor oil into the gas tank "because it's oil." So in the end, she wrecked her own lawnmower by her own stupidity.note 
    • Back from when professional-grade copy machines were much harder to work on, we have this story of a medical office getting an error message on a Friday afternoon that will require a service call on Monday morning. On Saturday, their maintenance man announces that he "knows" how to fix the problem and ends up literally spraying toner and developer powders all over the office. When the service rep shows up Monday, he tells the staff (which has been trying and failing to clean up the mess since Saturday) what type of mask they should be wearing to prevent health issues, then confirms that the maintenance guy completely killed the copier ... and probably three office computers as well. The doctor informs the maintenance company that since their guy destroyed the equipment by doing unauthorized work, they will be paying for all the repairs.
    • When trying to buy ice cream for the sale price... 1) make sure you have the correct size container of ice cream, 2) make sure the sale is current, 3) make sure you are in the correct store. And when you fail on all three points, don't yell at the cashier.
  • Eskimos Aren't Real:
  • Eskimo Land: Some tourists seem to think Canada is this. Most Canadians just play along to get the ignorant customer out of there.
  • Especially Zoidberg: Here:
    Customer: Can I buy some spray paint to get high on?
    Cashier: No, sir. That is illegal.
    Customer: Even during Sundance?
    Cashier: Especially during Sundance!
    Customer: Buzzkill! [walks out]
    Elderly customer referring to another customer throwing a childish tantrum: If that were my daughter I'd slap her!
    Cashier: Even at her age?
    Customer: Especially at her age.
  • Et Tu, Brute?: There are numerous stories where the manager will break policy, berate the OP for not doing so, or otherwise side with the entitled, unreasonable "Customer." Sometimes even costing the store money in the process. A particularly glaring example here where Manager initially sides with OP in upholding the restaurant's policy regarding the "to go" salad bar, until Customer specifically targeted OP at least three days in a row, buying the "to go" salad, and demanding a refund for not getting the lid, in advance, until Manager turns on and blames the employee for the refunds, and then Customer, "thanks" OP by overfilling the lid, and spraying cottage cheese around while trying to close the plate onto the lid, which OP then has to go and clean up.
  • Everybody Hates Mathematics: "Nonplussed Customers" And 1.5 - not one and a half!
  • Everything's Better with Dinosaurs: Watch Out For The Pansysaurus!
  • Everything Is Racist:
  • Evil Brit: This woman seems to believe that terrorists can instantly adopt British accents if needed.
  • Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: "Why would you help people if you're not getting paid for it?"
  • Evil Is Petty: This woman first goes to the newly hired, first job, sixteen-year-old employee to purchase the "to go" salad, rather than the all you can eat. When she demands the lid, in advance, knowing full well this is in violation of the written policy, because the lid is clearly bigger than the plate meant to go with it, she badgers the employee, who stands by store policy. Not being able to get OP to budge, she slams the plate down and demands a refund. Manager provides refund, tells OP was correct. Woman leaves. End of story, right? WRONG. The woman returns and specifically targets the same employee, ignoring other cashiers, even if their lines are empty, including the manager, at least three more days in a row, until the manager, despite seeing the woman's behavior first hand, turns on and blames the employee for all the refunds and says "just do whatever it takes to make the customer happy." Lo and behold, the woman not only fills the lid to overflowing from the salad bar, but to add insult to injury and injury to insult crushes her salad with so much force that it squirts cottage cheese over the salad bar, and the floor, which then OP has to go and clean up while spewing "There. Now that wasn't so hard, was it? You have a nice day, sweetie!" to never return.
  • Evil Twin: This story features twin sisters who work as cashiers at the same grocery store. One is polite and courteous while the other is snobby and judgmental, treating a woman rudely for having a young daughter and being on welfare, even though (as her sister points out) she had her own son when she was 15.
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin:
  • Exact Words: But I didn't damage the pans with a hammer and chisel!
  • Exiled to the Couch: This woman tries to exile her boyfriend to the couch after he takes the side of a shop assistant over her. It doesn't quite work out... not least because they don't actually live in the same house. Hard to believe, but it actually gets worse for her from that point.
  • Extreme Doormat: Generally speaking, managers who cave in to bratty customers' demands (whether out of worry over losing the customers' business (especially if they're large spenders) or just to get them to shut up) occur in the stories on such a regular basis that some users on the website claim that they warrant their own category on the website.
  • Extreme Omnivore: Mmm, tickets.
  • Eye Scream: A customer assumes a clerk's eye patch is a fashion statement. She is quite wrong.

    F 
  • Face of a Thug: The worker in this story who not only helps a little girl find her mother, but recovers her dropped teddy bear.
    Girl: “You’re scary… but nice.”
  • Face Palm: Frequently a response of the staff in these stories. A search for "facepalm", in fact, currently brings up ten pages worth of stories where the reporter uses that exact term, usually at the end. Reading them all in succession is fun, as it turns into a Running Gag of sorts.
  • Failed a Spot Check: Most commonly manifests as either not noticing signs or ignoring evidence for why a door is locked in their determination to enter.
    • The only explanation for these examples.
    • And here, we have a critical failure.
    • Normally, seeing a man walk out of a store, gun in hand, would be cause for concern. But not in this case — it's a gun store.
    • Bigotry misplaced is bigotry mocked.
    • This woman somehow managed to miss that the register was dismantled, the screen was off, and the three signs saying it was out of order. And when told it was undergoing maintenance, she accused the manager at it of being lazy. Especially amusing, given how much the manager had just assumed no one would be stupid enough to do so.
    • This guy, upon learning that a store is unable to accept credit or debit cards at the time, tries to claim that "Y'all need to have signs up for that." As the cashier points out, there are no less than three such signs, including one right in his face, that he is failing to notice.
    • This guy tries to enter a gym, but is unable to because the doors are locked. There is a sign on the door stating they are closed for a week for renovations, and he can clearly see people inside repainting the walls. He still calls their number and has to ask them if they're open.
    • This customer fell for a string of Insane Troll Logic about the clerk being ginger and therefore immune to having their soul devoured for not giving the customer a discount. The clerk in question is blond.
    • This guy walked into a burger joint thinking it was a coffee shop, despite the pictures of burgers on the walls.
    • This woman can't tell that the coffee and doughnut shop is under construction and not operational.
    • "About fifty computers and the same amount of phones are not working. You have nine and a half minutes to get it working." "How many people are working in the building right now?" "There is me, two security guards, and a couple of men replacing the generators."
    • This guy is too stupid to realize that a store with the lights off, no customers, and a locked door is CLOSED, and that the correct way to solve this problem is not to throw bricks at the door. And he still attempted to make an order after being directly told that the door was locked and the store was closed.
    • This woman believes that the submitter is being lazy because he wasn't allowing anyone in, failing to recognize the strong odor from the sewage that had leaked into the room.
    • "Good luck proving (her assault on a worker) without any police around!" Said to two uniformed police officers.
    • This woman failed the Spot check to notice that the bakery she was ordering a wedding cake from didn't sell pastries, and failed several Listen checks when the submitter tried three times to tell her that she was asking for services that they didn't give and attempting to point her in the direction of someone who could. She never realized that she was wrong, and raised a serious fuss over it, but luckily everyone she sent to argue her case (including her daughter and her four attorneys) paid more attention than she did and upon having the situation explained to them, promptly apologized and dropped it.
    • Possibly a case of failing memory, but the elderly woman in this story mistakes her own husband for a stalker.
    • Both the woman and her husband failed to notice that the hose is clearly labeled, a different color, and clearly doesn't fit in the car's nozzle slot properly when they decided to fill the tank with Diesel instead of regular gas, and then accuse the OP of laughing at them for not telling them that they were using the wrong type of fuel when the OP was helping other customers and can't see the pump from where the register is in any event.
    • This woman was donating some "clothes" to a thrift store and hands the cashier several large black trash bags. When the submitter inspects the bags he finds that they're full of grass clippings. A coworker got rid of the grass while the submitter tries to process if the woman legitimately mixed up her clothes and grass clippings.
    • This man is upset that a fast food store won't turn up the thermostat (which is impossible for them to do since it's controlled from another state). After threatening to come behind the counter and sort it out himself, and interpreting the manager's justified response to bring up calling the police as a threat against him, he demands the number to corporate. The manager actually gives him the store's number instead, and goes into the back room to answer the subsequent call. While the submitter can hear both halves of the conversation, the angry customer is oblivious to the fact he's still talking to the same person.
    • The customer in this story is outraged that a store greeter is sitting down and won't walk her to the product she wants, chalking it up to millennial laziness... until her own husband points out the greeter's crutches.
    • This man has failed to notice there's a 29th of February every four years for so long that someone telling him it's February 29th rather than March 1st triggers a boomer rant about millennials being so lazy they need to invent new days. His wife implies that a youth mostly spent tripping on acid is responsible.
    • Apparently this copy shop was dealing with people (even tech-savvy ones) having trouble understanding one particular step. These people are so incapable of reading printed instructions even when the step is printed in bold and there's a picture with the step circled.
    • This woman called the wrong number (she was looking for a vacuum parts business) and completely misses the fact that the "hold music" is just an amalgamation of pest control ads and bug jokes.
    • This man starts shouting and swearing at the cashier because he was unable to find the brand of laundry detergent they have on sale, claiming he has "searched this whole d*** store" and, as par for the course, blaming the cashier for the store "falsely advertising s*** you don’t have". All the time, he is just three feet away from a huge display of the stuff — something he would have known if he'd just let the cashier get a word in edgeways.
    • This restaurant owner is enraged that he ordered a white kitchen and instead it's all blue; the customer service representative asks if this was before or after he removed the blue protective wrap from the doors and almost immediately gets hung up on.
    • A meta version occurs in this story. The OP says that th shirt in this story was brought at a local chain, but they not only provide the price in Euros instead of pounds (the story takes place in the UK), but they use American clothing sizes instead of British.
    • This woman complains about the submitter's "fake" New Jersey accent, failing to notice that the submitter's car has New Jersey license plates and that the reason they have a New Jersey accent is because they are from New Jersey. She seems to think New Jersey only exists on television.
    • This female submitter spent six years of her life being mistaken for an employee about a third of the times she went shopping. Those years? Nine to fourteen, and it stopped out of nowhere around the time she turned fifteen. The first time it happened, she was in a school uniform and looking at a product intended for children. It still took her mother getting involved for the customer to believe she wasn't an employee.
    • This girl goes to the beach, gets mad about fish in the water, and is dumbfounded when the lifeguard says that fish live in the ocean. "Wait, this is the OCEAN???"
  • Fake-Out Make-Out: That was fast.
  • Fake Russian:invoked This cop actually has a slight Russian accent, but he exaggerates it to scare off some pervert.
  • Fake Static: "You’re breaking up! Khhrrrrrrrtzzzzz!"
    • This customer tries the "you're breaking up" variant... on a land line.
  • Family Disunion: This cashier meets their stepmother as a customer The stepmother first correctly identifies the cashier's brother, mother, and estranged father. Then lets slip that the reason the cashier's father divorced their mother is that their mother had an affair with their stepfather. The revelation that this woman is the stepmother and the information she just told causes the cashier to stare speechless and the other customers to gasp in horror.
  • Fantastic Racism: Allowing hobbits to buy clothes? Outrageous.
  • Fashion Hurts: This girl asks a craft seller to make a pair of huge crystal beads into earrings for her, despite the seller's warning that they're very heavy. About half an hour later, she comes back to the seller's booth complaining that her ears hurt, but refuses to believe that the beads themselves are too heavy, deciding that she must be allergic to the glass or the wire in the earrings. The seller gives up and just asks her if she's heard of the phrase "with beauty comes pain".
    Girl: Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! (skips off)
  • Feeling Oppressed by Their Existence: This customer believes that another customer, quietly reading a book and drinking her coffee, is "offending" and "abusing" him simply by virtue of requiring a walking stick.
  • Felony Misdemeanor:
  • Female Gaze: Completely Immersed In The Lesson, evidently.
  • Female Misogynist: In this story, an inattentive female customer, who was spending so much time talking on her cell phone, paying no attention to the employee, decides he has to serve her right then and there, despite the fact that the employee is coming to the aid of a coworker who is being sexually harassed, and when informed of this, immediately determines that the female coworker did something to provoke the harassment. The owner, who happened to be another customer at that point, gloriously calls her out when she threatens to call "corporate."
    • "I'm just a woman. I can't be expected to know how to do this! Just send a tech!" Said instruction? Plug in a lamp!
    • This one is especially horrendous as it combines with both Frivolous Lawsuit and Too Dumb to Live. The "customer" in this story immediately demands a MAN to work on her vehicle when greeted by a female mechanic. When a male mechanic is not available, she reluctantly lets the female mechanic work on her car, and when said mechanic finds numerous very dangerous issues, completely ignores the mechanic's advice, including the fact that the radiator had no coolant and the SUV was going to be driving in temperatures of 36 degrees celcius. So when the car's engine inevitably blows up, from overheating, the female customer goes and forges her invoice to try and make "the stupid female mechanic" look at fault and sue the oil change establishment for $5000 plus the $400 in towing fees. Needless to say, her own bigotry bites her in the ass when it turns out that the female mechanic is the most experienced, most professional, and most talented of the employees and recognized the fraud immediately, printing another copy of the original invoice that proved her innocence, and the customer's culpability.
  • First Day from Hell: This teen's first day on the job has them find a pair of customers having sex in one of the fitting rooms and having to report them to the manager and see them escorted out. Fortunately another customers saw how traumatized the kid was and convinced their manager to give them a gift card for their troubles.
  • Fluffy Tamer: Deconstructed.
  • For Inconvenience, Press "1": As imitated through a drive thru intercom.
  • Free-Range Children: 8 years old, walking without a guard from the cashier to arcade? Felony Misdemeanor. Same kid, walking without a guard from the arcade to the cashier in the first place? Okay.
  • French Maid Outfit: "Are you wearing a maid’s outfit?" "I can bet money that it’s not the outfit you are mentally picturing right now, sir."
  • Freudian Slip:
  • Friendly Local Chinatown: Defied. This tourist doesn't seem to understand that there are no "Chinatowns" in China itself.
  • Friend to All Children: This store.
  • Friend to All Living Things: This guy.
  • Frivolous Lawsuit: Almost every lawsuit threatened in any story here, really.
    • This guy wants to sue a town, not the town government, but the town itself and everyone in it. By the look of things, he appeared to be under the impression that "Boise Idaho" (without a comma) was a company and not a town.
    • This guy, every year, goes to a family's haunted house, comes out bruised, and sues them for it, never winning from a lack of evidence but wasting a lot of their money nonetheless. He eventually gets his when they install security cameras and catch him injuring himself - his case is immediately thrown out with that evidence, and the family promptly counter-sues him for three times what he wanted from them, making back nearly every penny they had lost fighting his lawsuits.
    • This elderly lady blatantly pretends to have slipped on something wet and threatens to contact her lawyer - after basically proving she made it up, by trying to "recreate" the incident by making movements she could not possibly have done if she were actually injured. Because of this and the presence of security cameras, the manager gives her the store's information in the hopes that she goes through with the lawsuit so he can then get her put in jail over it.
    • This elderly woman tried to scam a department store by faking a slip-and-fall accident. The CCTV footage immediately disqualifies her claims.
    • You'd think this person was the viewpoint character in Weird Al's "I'll Sue Ya" song given how flagrantly they seem to threaten lawsuits against anyone they think is wronging them, to the point of threatening to sue the law firm they are calling so they can sue someone they were in a car accident with just because they only file disability claims.
  • From Bad to Worse: This poor worker. A lady buys $40 of various brands of cat food, and refuses to help the cashier load it up. Then she pays entirely in change. Then she drops the cans all over the parking lot when she realizes that she actually meant to buy dog food.
  • From the Mouths of Babes:
  • Full-Frontal Assault: A cashier at a video game store got attacked by an angry nude customer who wielded a Guitar Hero 3 guitar.
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