The Phone Call Couch Gags
- One of the first Couch Gags:Gene Shalit: (phoning Jay in the opening credits) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window!
- Another call Jay receives is from his "Inner Child"... who's in the middle of a crime-spree.Jay's Inner Child: Hello Jay, this is your inner child! I've escaped and I just robbed a liquor store! *police sirens* Gotta go!
- In the first episode of Season 2 when the show had been picked up by FOX:Fox Executive: Hey big guy, just calling to say we're thrilled to have you on board! Wait, did I call John Madden or that stupid cartoon critic?
- One of the calls is from Jay's mother Eleanor:Eleanor: Jay, this is your mother. Your father and me are taking you out of our will, we feel you already have enough money. Oh, and happy birthday!
- Another call is from Jay's sister Margo:Margo: Hey Jay, you got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night! Um... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?
- And from Duke:Duke: Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wonder if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. (Jay looks pleased) Bring your jogging shoes. (Jay looks shocked)
The "Coming Attractions" Couch Gags ("It STINKS!")
- Jay is showing a clip parodying the James Bond movies, with a suave secret agent in a tuxedo riding a jet ski with a beautiful young woman... until a large wave knocks off his toupee and dentures, revealing him to be a lecherous old man.note The terrified girl screams and jumps in the water.
- A parody of The Sound of Music, where the camera smacks Maria in the face and she tumbles down the mountain.
- Dennis The Menace II SocietyDennis: Oh, Mr. WILSOOOOON!Mr. Wilson: What do you want?[Dennis pulls out two guns and opens up More Dakka on Mr. Wilson]
- Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers in a similar dance to the "Cheek to Cheek" number from Top Hat... that turns out to be a sequel crossover with Jurassic Park when a T-Rex devours Fred and Ginger.
- Family Affair: The Motion Picture, starring Marlon Brando as Mr. French:Mr. French: Buffy, Jody, for your lunch, I have made peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Buffy: Would you make a sandwich for my doll, Mrs. Beasley?
Mr. French: Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing. (heads toward the kitchen) Of course, I can get together a sandwich for your stupid little doll. Hang on a sec.
- Jay reviews Rabbi, P.I, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. The movie is about a cop who goes undercover as a rabbi.Jay: Because I love you people, I won't force you to watch the musical number. Well, maybe just a little.Ahnold: (Singing) Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel! I made you out of clay!
- Franklin is watching Jay on TV, he puts his foot on the screen:Franklin: On this TV, I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. Look, see? Isn't that incredible?
- Jay and Marty play Escape from the Big Apple.Marty: Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island!
Jay: Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out!
Marty: (As character gets attacked by crowd) And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd)
Jay: Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton!
Al Sharpton: Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah—-(Character withers away to a skeleton, then to dust and "Game Over" appears)
- The ending:
- Jay giving Marty advice about girls.Jay: Son, if there's one thing I've learned, its how to read women. (camera pans to woman who looks grossed out) That woman thinks I'm disgusting. (cut to woman looking shocked) And that woman thinks I'm Bigfoot! (cut to woman standing next to a phone) And THAT woman is wondering if she should call the police to have me thrown out of the school.Woman: (dials phone) Hello, police? Yes, I don't think it's a man, I think it's a bear that likes key lime pie!Jay: Uh-oh, we don't have much time son, you better ask that girl out.
- Jay and Marty being caught in the middle of the "international food fight". The French kids immediately surrender after getting hit with some stray food.
- When Jay is talking about his job to Marty's class, one of the Mexican students mentions that in Mexico, Jay's behavior frightens the viewers, so the network has added a disclaimer that Jay has escaped from a mental hospital. This becomes a brick joke later on when Jay goes to Mexico so he can fly to Cuba and is spotted by a bystander.Mexican: El loco del television!
- Jay taking Marty and his date to what he thinks is a pretentious French film called The Red Balloon, only to find out that it's an Actionized Sequel to the original.
- The movie-goer who keeps punching Jay for his annoying behavior.
- Young!Jay getting beaten up during his days at the New York School for The Performing Arts. Apparently he gave the Christmas pageant a bad review. He said it was "ho-ho-horrible". Bonus points for the fact that he gets repeatedly kicked in the stomach by a ballerina, and his cries of pain are in tune to the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" from The Nutcracker.
- Duke wants to spend five days working on improving Jay's image:Duke: Son, I only spent three days on Bill Clinton, and look at him now!
Jay: Maybe you should've taken four.
- After getting test audience feedback, Jay is apparently worse than Hitler.Duke: No, not worse, just less warm and cuddly.
- In the same scene, two teenagers in a focus group visit the station:Male teen: You know, that dude with the mustache is really gnarly!
Female teen: Is he in a band?
Jay: That's Adolf Hitler! Don't you recognize him?!
Male teen: Oh right, he played the mailman on Cheers. Heh.
- In the same scene, two teenagers in a focus group visit the station:
- Jay has an idea for how to improve his image:Jay: (hands Duke a list) Boss, I had an idea to lighten up my image. A special feature: "Films I Have Loved."
Duke: Okay, but this better not be a list of arty foreign films that nobody gives a crap about.
Jay: Uhh...Let me just revise the list a little. (grabs the list and tears off one tiny square) Eh?
Duke: (reading square) Citizen who??
Jay: (smiling nervously) ...Kane?
- After Eleanor reluctantly agrees to be interviewed by Geraldo Rivera:Franklin: Son loves mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants.
- Geraldo Rivera's conversation with Franklin:
- Geraldo: Franklin, my name is Geraldo. Can you say Geraldo?
Geraldo: Good. Do you mind if we talk?
Franklin: The time for talk is passed. Now is the time for action!
Geraldo: ...I hear you can say your name backwards. Is that true?
Geraldo: What's your favorite food in the whole, wide world?
- Eleanor shows home movies of Jay trying out for the track team. It appears to be overcranked, but...Eleanor: That's not in slow motion.
Geraldo: (wincing) I can still see it when I shut my eyes!
Eleanor: You're not supposed to look directly at it.
- After Jay berates Eleanor:Franklin: (wearing a diaper) You are a disgrace to this family. Now, who wants to boogie with baby '37? (dances to fast big band music)
- Jay sings to Eleanor on TV in an attempt to apologize. Eleanor's watching at home and tells her guard dogs: "Attack on sight." The dogs run at the TV and try to bite the screen.
- The day after Jay berates his mom on national TV:Richard Nixon: (at the next table) Excuse me. I seem to have lost my appetite. My mother was a SAINT!!
Jay: Yes, I'm sure she was unimpeachable. (Nixon grumbles and walks away)
- Jay is at a newsstand when he sees a tabloid paper featuring a false headline about him and Eleanor:"'Critic Jay Sherman Bludgeons Mother With A Bible'? Oh, come on! Who would believe such a thing like—*spotting a sub-headline and reading with excitement* Wow! 'Delta Burke Really A Man'!"
Female protester: Whoomp, there he is! Whoomp, there he is!
- He then sees across the street a congregation of two different groups: one for "Mothers Against Drunk Drivers" and the other for "Mothers Against Jay Sherman". Even better, the latter group is bigger than the other one.
- The ending, where Jay makes up with Eleanor on TV, and is shown to the focus group.Woman: Well... I guess it's a happy ending.
Man: Yeah, but it's not happy enough.
(the entire group votes negatively, causing the arrow to drop to the lowest rating possible. Even after a dancing Franklin and various animals come in while big band music plays, the arrow raises only slightly)
- This scene:Exec: Ahh, my favorite critic! (shakes the critic's hand and slips him a bill) This time we really need something quotable for our ads.
Bribed Critic: How's this? "This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D.!"
Exec: (whispering) I... LOVE it.
Jay: You haven't even seen the movie yet! I'm going to report you to the National Film Critic's Association.
Bribed Critic: (unconcerned) Uh-huh. They're over there at the free buffet.
Movie Usher: Uh, excuse me, folks, this buffet is just for Roger Ebert.
- Jay admits on "Coming Attractions" that he didn't see all of the movie he was suppose to review:Jay: For one glorious minute, I was doing the horizontal bop! (growls)
Eleanor: (watching at home) Oh, there goes my appetite. Would someone please change the channel?
(Shackleford turns the dial)
William Shatner: Hello, I'm... William Shatner, and this... is... Celebrity Autopsy.
Eleanor: (perks up) Oh! That's better.
- Jay, tied to the bed, shouts for help through a wall vent. An elderly woman upstairs hears him, but assumes the voice is one of her many cats talking to her. Hours later, Jay is still talking, and the woman says, "You talk too much, talking cat!" and throws the cat out the window.
- Eleanor is brought on-stage:Eleanor: I think you media jackals are a pack of filthy muck-raking scum! What you did to poor Dan Quayle is a disgrace! I hate you all!!... except for you good people at the New Yorker.
(The New Yorker mascot, Eustace Tilley, is seen in the audience)
Eustace Tilley: Bravo, Mrs. S.
Jeremy: And now, Jay's father would like to say a few words.
Franklin: If I could be a vegetable, I'd be a carrot.
(reporters take notes)
- Later, the newspaper features a side story with Franklin's face: "Carrot Man to Big Apple: 'I Miss My Baby Carrot!'"
- Jay manages to hop the bed to the pantry, and tries to grab a knife to kill his abductor with. When she opens the door, he says "Prepare to die!"... and accidentally pulls out a honey bottle instead. When he realizes his mistake, he tries to cover: "I mean, couldn't ya just die?" (nervously kisses the honey bottle)
- Jeremy watches one of his movies, which features him kicking in the door and brandishing a bazooka:
- Jeremy: So you're the nine liberal judges who outlawed unreasonable search and seizure.note
Female Supreme Court Judge: Souter made us do it! (All point to Souter, who gives a smirk)
Jeremy: You better lock the doors, 'cause we'll be rewriting some laws tonight!
- Before going inside Jay's demented fan's house, Jeremy first buys a gun from a soda machine that sells guns.
- There's also Jay's failed billboard.
- Jay Bookstand: Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!
- The Jay Sherman Video Tape Rewinder sound. "ACKEM!!!"
- When Jeremy pulls the gun on the kidnapper.
- Jeremy: Drop that knife!Jay: Jeremy, you're just an actor, you don't know how to use that thing!Jeremy: It's just a gun, for God's sakes, not a bloody Xerox machine!
- The talking bookstand in Jay's likeness is used to knock out Jay's kidnapper, but then...:
- Jay Bookstand: Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my boo- (Jeremy shoots its head)
Jeremy: (To Jay) Sorry, it had to be done.
Jay: Why? All he said was "Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"
Jeremy:' (points his gun at him)
Jay: I'll be quiet.
- Marty and Jay run into Humphrey The Hippo at the video store, because he's there to promote his new rap video "Hug Da Police".Humphrey: And remember kids, you can be anything you want to be when you grow up!Jay: Except a doofus in a hippo costume, that job is taken!Humphrey: Hey, it's grumpy old film critic Jay Sherman!Kids: BOO!
Humphrey: Why you'd have to eat 10 bowls for that to happen!Jay: Yes yes, and a gallon of chocolate milk, but that's not the point!
- One of the grudges Jay has with Humphrey is that his cereal brand turned his urine pink.
- During her dispute with her mother over going to the ball, Margo asks if Jay thinks she's right in refusing.Jay: Well sure, but it doesn't matter. She'll keep pecking at you until you cry uncle... *cut to outside Margo's treehouse, where Jay is stuck in the entrance and a woodpecker is pecking at his butt* UNCLE! UNCLE!!
- Eleanor tries to arrange a date to escort Margo to the ball, and picks an Upper-Class Twit so inbred he has actual blue blood.Eleanor: He can only receive transfusions from Mrs. Walter Cronkite!
Franklin: What about me?Eleanor: I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with but if you want, you can come.Franklin: Awww, I could have had rubber bands...
- After Margo rejects him, Eleanor still wants to bring him to the dance as her own date.
- While designing Margo's dress, the tailor sends out Eleanor for a moment so he can talk to Margo in private.Tailor: We tailors have a very strict code. Do you deserve to wear viriginal white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off-white, what we call a "hussy white". So what'll it be? White-white..?Margo: Yes!! Umm... *looks guilty* Except for the gloves...
- Before they get into the limousine, Margo has something to say.Margo: Before we get into the car, I'd just like to say that the only reason I agreed to this was to save my horses life.Jay: And I'd just like to say that I had a big Mexican lunch!Driver: Don't worry, I once drove James Coco home after a chili cookoff!
- The woman Jay hooks up with at the ball turns out to be the actress who plays Humphrey The HippoJay: Oh god, I'm about to have sex with the thing I hate most in the world!
Eleanor: Oh dear, I hope she atleast sleeps with him before she kills him.
- Eleanor doesn't think highly of the type of women who are drawn to Jay.
- The reason everyone was at the debutante ball was, according to Franklin, "To see those nitro-burning funny cars! Vroom, vroom!"
- Jay's folks are enjoying the debutante ball until Franklin has a sudden recollection:Eleanor: I forgot what a marvelous dancer you are.
Franklin: And I forgot to turn the oven off.
(Smash Cut to their mansion, which has fire streaming out its windows)
Shackleford: (standing on the front lawn watching his employers' home): Burn, baby, burn.
- How Jay starts off his 1,000th episode:
- Jay shows a clip of his "legendary" interview with Cher. Nothing but fifteen seconds of bleeped out curse words.Cher: (as Jay looks at her disconcerted) You no good [Censor Bleep]! [Censor Bleep] you, you piece of [Censor Bleep]! Kiss my white feminine toned and tattooed [Censor Bleep x4]!Jay: (after clip ends) A very classy lady.
- Duke tells Jay that he's starting to repeat himself and shows a three-split screen video as proof:
- Jay's party celebrating his 1,000th episode flops ("There was a day this room would've been a third full"), but a woman turns up, claiming she's the head of the Sherman fanclub... then asks him to sing the theme from Here Comes the Brides.Duke: Wait a minute, you think he's Bobby Sherman!
- Jay goes along with it, and starts singing to her as Bobby Sherman.
- The scene with Adolph Hitmaker:Adolph Hitmaker: Hmm, where to begin.
Jay: I know, you're going to tell me to lose weight.
Adolph Hitmaker: Dont you dare! If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly, like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh!
Jay: You mean I can eat whatever I want? Wow! You're not just some quack, are you?
Adolph Hitmaker: A quack? Could a quack have escaped from a mental hospital in the Philippines? I don't think so!
(later on Coming Attractions, Jay is morbidly obese)
Jay: Even for a sequel, Refried Green Tomatoes is a deeeelicious treat. Coming up next: The latest from John... Candy? Ooh, don't mind if I do!
(cut to drunk college guys watching the show)
Man: Check it out: Ebert ate Siskel!
(cut to a grotesquely overweight Marlon Brando, who's also watching the show)
Brando: That Adolph Hitmaker does good work.
(cut to a TV salesman presenting a demo to a couple)
TV Salesman: And each TV comes with state-of-the-art digitally enhanced sound.
(turns on all the TVs, which happen to be on the channel airing Coming Attractions, just in time to hear Jay loudly belching, which is so loud the store shakes and results in the couple leaving unimpressed, and the salesman hanging his head in shame)
- When Duke fires a nude JayList in "Eyes on the Prize":Jay: But you can't fire someone like this, it's just too humiliating. Please, Duke, look in your heart. I'm begging you, look in your heart!
(a tabloid reporter bursts in)
Reporter: Mr. Phillips, I'm from a disreputable supermarket tabloid and... (takes photo of the nude Jay kneeling in front of Duke) I won't need a minute more of your time. (leaves)
Duke: Get out.
Jay: Well, all right, but there's one thing you can't take: My dignity.
(Duke throws Jay's clothes out the window)
Duke: Go fetch, nude boy.
- Jay visits his agent, who greets Jay with: "Hey you, my favorite... guy or girl??" Turns out he thought Jay was the ambiguously-gendered Pat from Saturday Night Live.Agent: Is it a man or is it a woman? Who the hell cares? The kids seem to like it... to a point... and what's with airline peanuts? I mean you need a wrench to open the bag!
- Jay's student film, L'artiste est Morte."Prometheus Sherman" (Jay's character): (sits in a meditation pose inside a toy car racing track) I am Prometheus Sherman, the last man on Earth... so alone...so alone... SO ALONE!! (begins to weep)Film: Shows various clips and segments from famous movies, including The Seventh Seal, The Battleship Potemkin and Saturday Night Live(a woman in a wedding dress and holding a bouquet walks into Sherman's room only to see him hanging from a noose)Woman In Wedding Dress: (in an unfeeling, monotone voice) My darling, I've always loved - oh no, Promotheus.Jay: (offscreen) Prometheus! (cue end)
- Blotto's Wine.
- Welles: A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And now, for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (glug, glug, glug)
- The fact that Welles is played by Maurice LaMarche in his Brain voice makes the whole thing a thousand times funnier.
- And who can forget green pea-ness?Welles: Rosebud. Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness ... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Takes a handful and pops a few in his mouth.) Oh, what luck! There's a French fry stuck in my beard! (Eats) Oh yeah.
- Jay reminiscing about the first time he won the Pulitzer Prize.
- Jay: (dancing in a disco, complete with a 70s polyester suit) I'm a maniac, maaaaniaaaac on the floor! And I'm dancing like I never danced before! (he accidentally stomps through the glass floor, losing his shoe in the process, then turns to an attractive woman, showing off his Pultizer hanging around his neck in a chain) Hello baby! You know what this is?
Woman: Your dog tags from the Battle of the Nerds?!
Jay: (sadly) You're mean...
- Jay as a frontman for English for Cab Drivers:Jay: Hello, I'm Jay Sherman. This morning on English For Cab Drivers, I was going to teach you how to say "He was already dead when I hit him."
- At the Pulitzer Prize ceremony, the host mentions the following:Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for $3,000. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!
- And of course, the Rousing Speech about how "If the movie stinks, just don't go!" The speech was awesome, with viewers joining in, but crosses here when...
- Franklin hears it differently.Franklin: If the movie stinks, do-si-do!
Shackleford: Allemande left, sir. (They both square dance)
- Arthur 3: Revenge of the Liver:Female Doctor: Arthur, I'm afraid you have... acute cirrhosis.
Arthur: And you have a cute little butt! (raspy laugh)
Female Doctor: No, you don't understand. Your pancreas is swollen to the size of a basketball!
Arthur: Oh no wonder I dribble so much! (raspy laugh)
Female Doctor: This is very serious! You have less than a year to live!
Arthur: (noticing a jar of tongue depressors) Oh don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles. (raspy laugh) Why, there's a piano. (sits down and starts playing, singing) "I've got a liver the size of coconuts..."
Jay: By the end of this film, you'll feel you've really shared something with Arthur: The dry heaves!
- "Howard Stern's End":Man: I wish to stay in Howard's End forever.
Howard Stern: (appears in window) You mean Howard Stern's End. I just bought the deed; whaddya think of that?
(man spits out coffee)
Howard Stern: Which one of you girls wants to take your top off?
Woman: (offended) Well, I say!
Howard Stern: You say, but you never do. You never put out; you're like my wife!
- Doris and Jay decide to go to a Broadway musical production that Jay got free tickets for, but are clear that its not a date.Jay: If anyone asks, you're a wealthy widow and I'm running through your money.Doris: And I'll tell everyone you're a troll I found under the Brooklyn Bridge.
- When Jay accompanies Doris to her apartment, it turns out to be HUGE and elegant, the kind you usually see being owned by millionaires. Turns out its subject to an insane amount of "Friends" Rent Control, and only costs 100$ a month due to having been rent controlled since 1946.Doris: A hundred dollars a month. Put down the candle stick.Jay: (is suddenly brandishing a candle stick) Huh?Doris: You were going to kill me and take my apartment.Jay: (Genuinely surprised) I was?!Doris: Don't sweat it honey, I've seen it take over stronger men than you.
- Ike Turner: My StoryIke Turner: Tina, I love you, but if you need to go solo to satisfy yourself artistically, I understand. I more than understand. I respect you for it.
Tina Turner: You are the greatest lover who walked the planet! I'll always love you, Ike!
Ike Turner: My work is done here. Now Rick James and I are going to go found the National Organization for Women.
- After Jay is dragged out of the burning building by Doris, a news anchor approaches:Anchor: You must be very appreciative of this woman. She's like the mother that lifted the Volkswagen off her child, except you are the Volkswagen, and the child is the child in all of us.
Jay: What are you talking about?
Anchor: I don't know. I was hired for my looks. (gives a vain smirk)
- Duke tries to get Jay to wear a Webster shirt during the marathon in return for sponsorship.Duke: Jay, you gotta help me, I thought I was buying Diff'rent Strokes!
- Jay arrives at L'ane Riche.Jay: Hello Vlada. (snaps fingers twice) Tonight, I'm on a diet.
Vlada: (picks up the phone in disappointment) Tell Vlada Jr. no Harvard.
Jay: In fact, I may just have coffee.
Vlada: (sadly back to phone) Pull the plug on Mama.
- Jay's dad Franklin helps him train for the marathon, and one of the excersizes he has Jay do is run along the beach to a lighthouse. Cut to several hours later when two men show up with an exhausted Jay lying on a flatbed truck.Man: We found him lying by the side of the ocean. We're doing our best to keep him moist.Franklin: My son is not a whale!Man: Well whatever he is, he just ate a bucket of chum!
- At the start of the marathon, Jay is leading the pack of runners, prompting Bob Costas to exclaim, "Do you believe in miracles?!" But immediately after, Jay is trampled by the other runners.
- Two movie employers in Hollywood celebrate over The New York Chronicle reporting Jay missing and feared dead while running in the New York marathon.Female Movie Executive: Woohoo! Sherman's gone!
Male Movie Executive: Let's release that unwatchable Steve Guttenberg movie, quick!
Female Movie Executive: Uh... which one?
- Jay getting a runners high during the marathon and hallucinates an elaborate dance number.
- During the marathon, an exhausted Jay collapses right onto a Chalk Outline. The coroner approaches and says, "From the stench, it's obvious he's been dead for several hours. The deceased appears to be about seventy years old." Jay gets up and tells him, "I've been declared dead by better coroners than you."
- Jay Sherman: Around The Block In 80 Days!Reporter: We're still waiting for runner Jay Sherman, 16 hours after the race started, which is ironic, because to walk the route only takes 13 hours. In fact, this 78-year old man has just finished the race while pulling a bus with his teeth!Old Man: I did this to show that instead of putting old people into nursing homes, they should turn us into slaves and pack animals!
- One of the participants is running the race with a live ferret in his pants.Runner: It's not by choice.
Margo: There he(Jay) is!Shackleford: No, that's the gentleman with the ferret in his pants.Runner: Hey, they laughed at Christopher Columbus too!Shackleford: No they didn't.Runner: Well they would have if he had a ferret in his pants!
- He later reappears as one of the last runners to reach the finish line.
- Jay has a daydream about being a hero in Quebec, and ends with a group of Quebec citizens chanting "Viva Jay Sherman! Viva Quebec!" Jay chants this to himself as the daydream ends, until being slapped on the back of the head by Jeremy Hawke.
- Scent of a Jackass:Jay: Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino in Scent of a Jackass
Slade: Hoo-hah! Charlie, you pimply little preppie, I'm going to kill myself.
Slade: I mean it, you MTV-watching mama's boy. I'm gonna pull the trigger.
Charlie: Fine, if it'll shut you up.
Slade: You're going to miss my "hoo-hah", my tangoing, my blind driving, my "hoo-hah"...
Charlie: You said that already!
Slade: I say that a lot. Hoo-hah!
Jay: Talk about overusing a Catchphrase! HOTCHIE MOTCHIE! It stinks!
- Jay tries to use a thigh master.Jay: Nobody called about my script... Maybe a little exercise will take my mind off it.
(The thighmaster violently reopens, forcing Jays leg into a split position, causing Jay to scream in pain)
- Jay gets a director's chair with his name on it, but when he sits in it, his name sticker falls off to reveal Andrew "Dice" Clay's underneath.
- When Jay is in Hollywood, there's a brief scene of a silhouetted Ahnold walking in front of his window. He takes off what looks like his shirt but is revealed to be a fake set of muscles, leaving a supremely skinny guy with a deep voice saying, "No one must know."
- Jay getting caught in an earthquake while visiting a managers office, and eating all the emergency pudding rations from an earthquake survival kit.
- Jay noticing a magazine cover with his current producer (who has no idea what the word "plot" means) proclaiming him The Smartest Man In Hollywood.Jay: Uh-oh...
- "Vive de Sherman. Vive Quebec. Vive de Sherman. Vive Quebec."
- Jay's producer tries to outrun him in a car chase rather than give an honest opinion on Jays terrible screenplay. It doesn't end until Jay manages to corner him in the L.A basin.
- Apparently the original Ghostchasers films didn't do very well in Italy. Turns out that's because they, for some reason, translated the title to "Your Mother Has a Hairy Back"*angry Italians riot and attack the theater*
- Jay being annoyed with the one assistant, Chas, for having no ambition beyond getting up at 8 a.m. to shave cinnamon for a cappuccino. He then says that if he applies himself, he'll go up in the world to which he counters that he won't for a good reason: he used to be Vanilla Ice.
- Jay can't even escape Ghostchasters 3 in prison, as it's been shown to the male inmates, who are also being given experimental fertility drugs and are all pregnant.Prisoner: (in gruff voice) I'm dilatin' like there's no tomorrow!
- Jay does a report from Cannes, and claims to see stars nearby:
- A scene from Jurassic Park 2: Revenge of the Raptors (the actual sequel was released three years after the episode):John Hammond: You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!
Raptor: (speaking in an English accent, holding a pipe) I beg to differ. For you see, the other raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd-jobs under the name "Mr. Pilkington". But perhaps I've said too much... (smokes pipe)
- Duke's kaleidoscope vision.
- Jay asks Duke if he's thought about seeking religion in his dying years, and Duke replies that like most in the entertainment industry, he worships Pan, the Goat God
- At the doctors office, Duke is horrified when he's told he's dying despite his otherwise excellent health.Duke: You mean this guy(Jay) is going to live longer than me?!Doctor: Yes, but he will have years of chronic back and joint pain before he finally chokes on a ham sandwich in his bathtub.Jay: Ohh, can the sandwich be olive loaf?Doctor''': I suppose so.Jay: Yes! *fist pumps*
- The Jay Sherman Roach Spray, which just makes the roaches look like Jay Sherman. And they constantly cough "Ach-um Ach-um Ach-um!"
- Duke promised to pay $100 to anyone Jay couldn't make laugh within a month... and a legion shows up at Duke's building to collect, including Jay's parents.Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
Eleanor: No, Franklin, that was the Road Runner.
Jay: (Shamefully) No, that was me.
- And how does Duke get out of having to pay this? Jay's Goofy Print Underwear (in this case, Rear Window).
- The song the crowd of people suing Duke sings, to the tune of "Take Me Out the Ballgame", since the class action suit had so many people that the judge housed it an LaCoy Stadium.Crowd: We're all suing Jay Sherrr-man, we want damages too! We're going to take him for every nickel...
Jay (to Duke): You're the reason that we're in this pickle!
Duke: Shut up!
- "Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul!"
- He appears a couple scenes later playing guitar and demonically singing "Big Girls Don't Cry".
- "That's my son! BEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!"
- Duke claims that anybody could do Jay's job, and points to various crew members. Doris pipes up:Doris: Or me?
Duke: No, not you.
Doris: (annoyed, goes back to reading the newspaper) Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.
- Duke has trained a seal to run away by merely saying, "Last Action Hero."
- Jay's brief stint as a trucker is mainly memorable for the fact that his 'How Am I Driving?' bumper sticker gave the number of his car phone.Jay: (answering phone): Hello! You don't like Mr. Sherman's driving? (twiddling the wheel) Is he weaving from side to side? (pumping the brakes) Is he braking suddenly? (rolls down the window, cup in hand) Is he throwing a vanilla shake at you??
- A Take That!: While Jay is driving the semi he spots a shooting star and makes a wish. A nearby billboard for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is then destroyed by a meteor. Jay drives by it and says, "Thank you, God!"
- Jay and his trucker pals see Ultimate Force, which isn't an action movie like they thought, but a boring science documentary hosted by an Expy of Stephen Hawking.Scientist: (in robotic voice) And now, to quote a joke I once heard: "Planck's Constant is neither." Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.note
- Jay returns to his old job at the end; Duke immediately gives it back to him, claiming he can't stand Rex Reed any longer.Rex Reed: (singing) Yuuuuum-my, yummy yum yum!
Duke: He doesn't review movies; he just sits there singing that stupid song! Every time he does, I have to pay some Navajo fifty bucks!
- At the end:Jay: Well, that's our show for tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry, but there just aren't any trucking books out there. However, for a transcript of this episode, write to "What Was the Point?", in care of your local station. Thank you, and good night!
- The Pinocchio parody at the beginning, with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Geppetto:Geppetto: Yah, that's good. Time for sleep. (to dummy) I'll be back.
Fairy: Whoo, I just flew in from San Francisco, and boy, are my Judy Garland records tired. (morphs into judge) For shame you befouling the child's cartoon with evil thoughts! (morphs into Spock) Captain, I'm getting some evil thoughts. (splits into Captain Kirk) Evil thoughts? Spock, get that tribble out of your pants!
- And Robin Williams Note as the Beige Fairy:
- Jay commenting on the bad animation in the film: "They just recycle the same mouth movements without moving the characters. It's AWFUL, I tell you, AWFUL." (mouth keeps moving after he's done talking)
- Jay reviews Barney: The Motion Picture, starring one of America's best actors:Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose a hundred pounds to play a dinosaur? Cant even see through the eyeholes on this thing. (crashes into a wall) Whoa! (and falls over, grunting)
Kid: Hey, Barney's being funny!
Brando: No I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since The Freshman, that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking making that picture, let me tell ya.
- The hunky grocery delivery man comes onto Eleanor by "accidentally" ripping off his shirt and slathering oil all over his bare chest. She's not phased, though.
- Eleanor is depressed, so Franklin goes to Wilson for advice. However, "Wilson" is just a scarecrow with a frog perched on its shoulder, so Franklin takes its advice to mean that he should convince his wife to "Rivet, rivet, rivet." Cut to Eleanor high on a construction site riveting into a girder:
- Eleanor: Franklin, this just isn't working out.
Franklin: (With nothing under him, he is holding on to his hard hat, which is glued onto the bottom of a beam) Forget the rivets, darling, Krazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's Kraaaaaazy!!
- Later:Franklin: Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again!
("Wilson" is actually a scarecrow with an owl perched on its shoulder)
Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.
Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.
Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. (continues into the night...)
- Jay even closes the episode with, "Goodnight, Critic fans. And a special goodnight to those of you just tuning in for Home Improvement." (At the time, this show was that show's lead-in.)
- Jay's nightmare of being attacked by his ever-growing dog, which starts off as a parody of Jurassic Park.
- Franklin speaks to an oversized plush doll of Eleanor's book character The Fat Little Pig, thinking it's Jay.
- When everyone realizes the pig is an expy of Jay, Duke shouts, "Make him SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLL!!"
- Eleanor getting her idea from Jay singing in the fridge
- Jay: Honey, yeah sugar sugar. Where is my candy bar? I think it was a Charleston Chew. THERE IS IIIIIS! I'M GONNA EAT TONIGHT!
Jay: Achem, Achem, ACHEM, ACHEM, ACHEM!
- Shortly followed by Jay eating said candy bar.
- Jays mother Eleanor talks about the difficulties she has with making friends, and that the last friend she had was her old chaffeur, who turns out to be Holt from Driving Miss Daisy, except Holt quickly gets sick of her.Holt: From now on, my name isn't Holt, its Malcolm H! And when the revolution comes, you will not be spared! (abandons the car with Eleanor in it on a train track with the train approaching)Eleanor: (end of flashback) He was my best friend...
- The Ted Kennedy cameos, both Young Ted Kennedy at Franklin and Eleanor's wedding in '55, and "present day" Ted Kennedy appearing at a square dance hosted by the Shermans.Ted: I, er, didn't come here with pants, and I'm not leaving with pants!
- At the event honoring Eleanor's book, the crowd spots Jay and begins harassing him over the comparison to the main character.
- From A Few More Good Men, starring Christian Slater and William Devane:Christian Slater (as Kaffee): I want the truth!
Jack Nicholson (as Jessup): You can't handle the truth!
Christian Slater: I can handle the truth!
Jack Nicholson: The truth is, you talk like me, you act like me, you don't have an original bone in your body.
Christian Slater: That's a freakin' lie!
Judge: Could the stenographer read that last part back?
William Devane: What am I, a freakin' mynah bird?
- After a clip from Forrest Gump 2, Jay remarks how he loved the free shrimp given out at the premiere. He then wolfs down a bucket of shrimp while saying "ACHUM!" over and over. But he realizes he's allergic to shrimp, and his head instantly puffs up.Jay: Make up!
- Jay has an... uneven first meeting with Alice and Penny Tompkins when they share a taxi in the rain. Alice sprays pepper spray in his face. Jay is unfazed: "Mmmmm. Jalapeno!"Jay: I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC... for about a week. (gets into taxi with Alice and Penny)
Alice: I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter, Penny.
Penny: You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (punches Jay in the nose)
Alice: (surprised) Penny!
Jay: It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.
Penny: (smiling apologetically to Jay) I'm sorry. (kisses him on the nose)
Jay: Aww. Rex did that, too.
- When Alice asks Jay when a woman last dressed him, we see a flashback of a 14-year-old Jay getting on a bus to summer camp, dressed in a "Little Boy Blue" outfit complete with blonde curls peeking out of the hat:Eleanor: Have fun at summer camp, son. (kisses him goodbye; Jay gets on the bus, and as it pulls away, Franklin sees the words "ATTICA PRISON" on the back)
Franklin: Sweetie, I think that was the bus to Attica prison.
Eleanor: Oh. Well, Jay can be their little mascot! (cut to Jay peering gloomily through the back window)
Jay: (end of flashback) (sadly) In every boy's life, there's a summer of '72... (this gets even funnier when we later get a second flashback and find out that Jay spent most of his time in Attica entertaining the prisoners by singing commercial jingles)
- Madonna's appearance on Humphrey The Hippo a few months after her appearance on David Letterman.
- Duke's hospital statue across the street:Duke Statue: ALL HAIL DUKE! DUKE IS LIFE! ALL HAIL DUKE! DUKE IS LIFE! (a pigeon flies into the statue's mechanized mouth)
Duke: Pigeons really like the sound of my- (a pigeon flies into the real Duke's mouth)
- While talking to Jeremy about how Alice has turned his life around, Jay has a Love Epiphany; Jeremy encourages him to act on it as only Jeremy can.Jeremy: I want you to go to that woman's house tonight, and tell her how you feel about her!
Jay: (pounds table with resolve) I'll do it!
Jeremy: In the words of the poet, carpe canem!
Jay: (stands up) YES! (leaves, then returns) "Carpe canem"? Seize the dog?
Jeremy: You heard me!
Jay: YES! (cut to Jay marching down the street to Alice's building) Seize the dog. Seize the dog. (picks up a dog; in same vocal inflections) This can't be right. This can't be right.
- After Jay plays the accordion to thwart Cyrus:Jay: (To Alice) Look, I don't know what this looks like to you. I've lost my ability to tell between what's cute and what's idiotic.
- When Alice asks Jay when a woman last dressed him, we see a flashback of a 14-year-old Jay getting on a bus to summer camp, dressed in a "Little Boy Blue" outfit complete with blonde curls peeking out of the hat:
- Jay listening to his answering machine:
- Gene Siskel: Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
Roger Ebert: Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
Rex Reed: Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner. (monkey screeches) That's right, Pauline Kael!
- Prior to this, we had the brief Running Gag of Jay tracking them down with a creepy "Hi, guyyyyy!", including both a jet and "The Birth of Venus".
- The opening scene from Soft Copy's look back at the start of Siskel and Ebert's careers. Two kids are watching the original Mickey Mouse Club.
- Narrator: "It is the 1950s. Americans are finding Communists everywhere."
(Boy dances in) "I'm Bobby!"
(Girl dances in) "I'm Anette!"
(A grown man with a bushy moustache dances in) "I am Igor Theodorvich Kropotki- I mean... Skippy!"
- Soft Copy goes on to report that two TV movies were made about the split of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert. This scene is from the FOX version."Booty booty booty! YEEEEAAAAH BOY-EEEEEE!"note
- We are treated to a flashback of Jay interviewing Willy Wonka:Jay: So tell us about your film, Mr. Wonka.
Willy: We have a fascinating kind of candy that turns wicked children into giant blueberries. Hm, where did it go?
Jay: (suddenly puffed up like a blueberry) I have no idea.
(Jay's falls onto the floor after his chair breaks. Duke then walks on-stage)
Duke: (as he rolls Jay away) Son, you've got a date with Mr. Smucker.
- One of the film clips Roger Ebert presents to a potential film critic has Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Arnold: I am Frau Doubtfire.Wife: No, you're not. You're my husband in a dress.Arnold: I am so a woman. Look at my fake bosoms. They are really grenades. (BOOM!) They'll be back.(Potential partner's face melts off a la Raiders of the Lost Ark.)Ebert: (cheerily) And this is from Stallone's new film Yo, Godot! I'm Waitin' Here!
- Meanwhile, Siskel interviews his own replacement:Reviewer: Tim Allen gives that same likable performance we always love, once again proving Disney Pictures have the magic touch that may not win awards, but keep America smiling. How was that?
Siskel: ...You're Satan, aren't you?
(reviewer transforms into Satan)
Satan: You win another round, Siskel, but we shall meet again!
- The twice-done joke of Franklin destroying priceless artwork:Franklin: (crashing helicopter through a ceiling with "Birth of Man" painted on it) Take THAT, Birth of Man!
- After the episode, Siskel and Ebert review the episode, saying it didn't make much sense. At that moment, Blueberry!Jay rolls by happily. At that point, both of them adopt a Screw This, I'm Outta Here! attitude and leave.
- The episode revolves around Jay having a romance with Jeremy's visiting sister Olivia.
Narrator: This is the constellation we call "The Goddess".
- On their date, Jay takes Olivia to the planetarium. The building has a banner hanging on the front that reads "Like Star Trek, only it sucks!"
(An image that looks like Olivia is highlighted on the star sky. Jay and Olivia smile at each other.)
Narrator: This one is called "Kreplach, the Bald Ogre".
(An image of Jay appears on the sky. The crowd gasps in surprise.)
(The two constellations move closer together and touch lips.)
Narrator: But they share a common star, bound together forever, in eternal harmony.
Waiter: Its the monster with many mouths! KILL THE LIGHTS!!
- While giving Olivia a tour of New York, they pass by a Chinese buffet, and Jay hungrily looks in through the window. The staff's reaction makes it clear that Jay has visited before.
Olivia: Jay, you make me laugh and scare me all at the same time. I love you. Tell me you love me, too.Jay: Well, I-Alice: Jay, you bewitching little booger, I got something to say! I love you, and I need to know do you love me.Jay: Well, I-Queen Latifah: Baby, I love you the most, and now you gotta be straight. Do you love me?Jay: Uh, Queen Latifah?!Queen Latifah: Whoops, wrong office!
- At one point, both Olivia and Alice declare their love for Jay, and Jay doesn't know who to choose. We get this exchange.
- Duke observes the tension between Jay and Alice, and wonders when the two are going to confess their love for each other. Doris agrees, and decides to confess her love for Duke, including saying that every thirty seconds she has an erotic fantasy about her and Duke. Freaked out, Duke heads for the elevator. Doris warns him that it's an empty shaft, and Duke keeps walking: "It's quicker!" (falls down the shaft)
Duke: I know that Olivia chick. She gave me the wildest night of my life. Then, when I woke up, she was gone. She didn't even stay to cuddle! (cries)
- This exchange occurs later:
Doris: I'd never walk out on you. (growls seductively, but her dentures fall out) ...That wasn't very sexy, was it? (Duke shakes his head)
- Franklin the Sailor Man. Supposedly, this is one of his more accurate memories.
- Everything about Star Trek Generation X.Keanu Reeves: Space, big deal!
Captain Picard: Alright, you two, who wrote Beavis And Butthead Rule on the back of my skull?!
Christian Slater: Not us, man! (Reeves and Slater laugh like Beavis and Butthead)
Keanu Reeves: Hey, aren't you the dudes from that TV show? Y'know, that "space" thing?
Captain Kirk: Will you please try and stay in character?!
- A great "horrified realisation" gag:Jay: (Getting dinner from the fridge) What's that sulfur smell coming from the egg bin? Oh, it must be the eggs have ripened. Wait a minute ... Eggs don't ripen! EGGS DON'T RIPEN! (Monstrous chickens hatch from the eggs, causing Jay to slam the refrigerator door shut.)
- Franklin's line: "You know, I was a model prisoner. Modeled lingerie, mostly."
- Eleanor wants to hire a new butler after their old one jumped ship for Johnny Wrath's. This leads to Franklin dressing as Mrs. Doubtfire:Franklin: (falsetto) Hello, I'm Mrs. Doubtfranklin. Watch me lose my false teeth and set my bosoms on fire! (laughs)
Eleanor: Oh, Franklin, you're not fooling anybody.
Franklin: (normal voice) Oh, I'm sorry dear. I just did this because I wanted to see the children.
Eleanor: You can see them anytime.
Franklin: Well who wants to do that?!
- Eleanor and Franklin are kept up all night by Johnny's guitar playing next door.Franklin: Y'know, as long as we're both awake, we could...
Eleanor: Well, you have to come to me.
(Franklin turns on the light, revealing Eleanor's bed is surrounded by barbed wire and growling guard dogs)
Franklin: (turns light off) Maybe tomorrow night.
- Eleanor disapproves of Johnny and Margo getting chummy:Eleanor: First, he [Johnny] stole my butler, now he's stealing my daughter.
Franklin: Well he won't steal the silverware; I've glued that to the ceiling.
(a dog is also shown on the ceiling)
Jay: Uh, Dad, I understand the silverware, but why the dog?
Franklin: You understand the silverware? Hehe... cuckoo!
- Jay does a total 180 on all his Fox jokes from the ABC run by kissing up to Fox:Jay: They're [the other networks] all pretty crummy, except for Fox, the last bastion of quality programming. (to Fox logo) God bless you, little logo. (logo stays on screen for a couple seconds then fades)
- Alice is looking for a preschool for Penny. One of their stops is a seemingly normal preschool.Alice: I'm interested in your preschool for my daughter Penny.
Principal: We have room for your daughter.
Alice: Wonderful! But I'd like a tour first.
Principal: A tour? Uh, yes, of course...
(principal opens a door to a dungeon room with a bunch of kids turning gears while moaning in agony)
Alice: This is child labor!
Principal: Well, yes.
Kid: Sir, have we made enough Simpsons merchandise yet?
Principal: Come on in. It's nap time.
- At (Nightmare on) Elm Street Preschool:
Penny: I don't want a nap!
Principal: (transforming into Freddy Krueger) You WILL nap, or be eaten by the worm from Hell!
Alice: I don't like this school.
Principal: Which part didn't you like? It's the "worm from Hell", isn't it? (worm appears) He's not so bad once you get to know him.
- After Prince Charles is thrown out of a preschool:Guard: Your kids are brats, Prince Charles! Get out!
Prince Charles: I'll have your heads for this!
Guard: Who died and made you king?
Prince Charles: (sniffing) Nobody.
- Duke's soft-serve ice cream maker.Jay: Could this possibly be any more disgusting?
Duke: You should see the muffin shooter.
- The cutaway featuring Sean Connery having dinner with his folks.Sean Connery's dad: So when are you gonna settle down with that nice Miss Moneypenny?
Sean Connery: For the last time, dad, it's just a bloody movie!
Sean Connery's mom: Pipe down, and eat your haggis!
- Alice takes Penny to a more fancy preschool and is immediately rejected. Jay proves unable to help, so he goes to Duke, who quickly starts making demands.Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and I want you to put this little girl in your school pronto!
Mr. Jordell: Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Leghorn, but we don't have an opening.
Jay: You know what he's saying, Duke? He's saying that you can't get the daughter of the assistant to one of your most expendable employees into this preschool.
Duke: Is that a compliment or an insult?
Jay: An insult.
Duke: [Mr. Jordell] I've never been so insulted in my life!
- D.T.: The Drunken Terrestrial.Kid: D.T., I don't think we should do this right now.
D.T.: I fly better when I've had a few! [falls out of the bike's basket and hits the ground] Ow...
- The new politically correct version of James Bond in On His or Her Majesty's Secret Service.Bond: Well darling, thanks to my efforts, Blofeld's army will now admit homosexuals, the blind, and midgets.
[A gay, blind midget assassin enters]
Assassin: Die, Bond! Die!
Bond: Uh, Mr. Bond is next door.
Assassin: Oh, silly me.
- At Johnny's rock concert:Johnny: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Woman in audience: Not yet, Brad's tying his shoe!
(band goes silent as they wait)
Brad: Okay. (music stars back up)
- At one point during Coming Attractions, a singing beer bottle for Bloat Beer walks on the show and plugs the brand, only for an annoyed Jay to shove it off the stage. Angered, she smashes the real glass of her top and advances on him, saying "I'll cut ya, man! I'll cut ya!" Backstage meanwhile, Duke looks at the monitor in disgust and quips, "This is the last time I hire Sean Young!"note
- Speed 3: Speed Reading.Jay: That wasn't a clip, that was the entire movie.
- When Alice meets Jay's ex-wife Ardeth for the first time, Ardeth proceeds to give Alice several spooky warnings before Jay reminds her the divorce judge told her she couldn't do that. Ardeth then pulls out a skull-tipped staff and starts shaking it before Jay says "and no hexes, either!"
- Marty is told he needs to go into remedial gym. The principal opens the door to the classroom, and we hear pained groans coming from inside, at which the principal remarks, "Oh, no, that's remedial choir."
- The exorcism camp.Camp leader: Sound off.
Children: (moaning while their heads spin around)
Camp leader: Sound off.
Children: (more moaning/head spinning)
- Another "delayed realisation" gag:Jay: (During his review of The Cockroach King) The only good thing about this film is the edible chocolate roaches they gave out. (Eats one) Mm-mmm!
(The "chocolate" roaches suddenly crawl away)
Jay: Wait a minute ... Edible roaches don't crawl! EDIBLE ROACHES DON'T CRAAAAWWWWLLLL!... Anyway, our next film is the latest from Belgian kickboxer Jean Paul LePope.
- A clip from Jean Paul Lepope's latest action movie is then shown, which is ridiculously stupid. A robber disguised as a bag boy tries to shoot Jean's character, but he kicks the robber into a grocery shelf. Various groceries keep falling on his head until an anvil knocks him out. Jean's character casually steps up to him and asks, "Now, what kind of body bag do you want? Paper, or plastic?" DUN DUN DUN!!!
- He does this again while mentioning how he sat through all of William Shatner movies, including Kingdom of the Spiders:Jay: Although they did give me these edible chocolate spiders! (eats one) Mm-mmm! (the spiders crawl away and Jay groans in disgust)
- The exorcism camp.
- Duke hires Jay a protection posse after getting the threat for Jean Paul Lepope. One of them is Mr. T.Mr. T: I pity da fool who messes with the J team!
Duke: I'm cool, I'm cool. Dukey Duke don't diss a man when he's chillin' with his homies!
- Just the way Jay exclaims about Marty, "Oh no, he's fat again!"
- Also in the last scene, when a now-fat Marty is causing damage by swinging all over the stage:Penny: Mama, I'm scared of Peter Pan!
Alice: We all are, honey.
- Jay tries to hop into his chair, misses... and the floor promptly breaks under him. As does the next floor... and the next, causing him to knock Humphrey the Hippo out and become trapped between floors, with only his lower half poking out of the hole.Duke: Jay, I want a word with you.Jay: Oh, this is embarrassing enough. Couldn't you speak to me face to face?Duke: Doris?(Doris draws a crude cartoon on Jay's butt. A photographer enters)Photographer: Mr. Sherman, I'm here for your publicity photo?(Takes a photo of Jay's butt focused on the cartoon)Photographer: Gotta go! (leaves)Duke: Jay, you've become an embarrassment to this network. And wipe that silly smile off your face! (Jay shuffles so the cartoon's frowning) You have to lose weight.Jay: Have you ever considered that you might have cheap, shoddy floors?Duke: Hey, Rush Limbaugh's three floors up, and he hasn't had any problems!(Floors crack, one after another, and Limbaugh screams as he keeps falling until he smashes Jay and both fall further)Jay: Hey Rush, race you to the lobby!Limbaugh: I accept your challenge, liberal creampuff! Mmm! Liberal creampuff! (Cue more floor cracking)
- By the by, when Jay knocks out Humphrey, the kids are overjoyed and escape the studio.
- Jay accompanies Marty to his school, and asks Doris to make him presentable. Instead, she paints "I love farm animals" on the back of his head. When he gets to school, all the kids are making animal noises to him, including Principal Mangosuthu.Jay: Principal Mangosuthu, do you know what's gotten into these kids?
Principal Mangosuthu: I have no idea. (sees the back of his head) Cock-a-doodle-doo! HAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
- Ronald Reagan: "I do solemnly swear that, as your President, I will goof off and eat candy.""Four more years! Four more years!"
- When Jeremy played a US President.
- Duke takes Jay to his presidential museum, which has robots saying doctored sound bytes of famous quotes ("Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Duke Phillips."). After some dialogue, Jay notices that JFK is kissing a Marilyn Monroe robot.
- Duke's inexplicable Irish bashing in his presidential campaign, including a poster of him kicking a leprechaun with the caption "Irish Suck. Vote for Duke".
- Duke asking his campaign workers to sell people his book series History Of Western Meat when they call.Duke: Volume one, Pressed Ham, is free for 30 days.
Jay: And the cover's made of pressed ham!
Duke: No, it's not!
Jay: Oh... (shrugs and takes a bite out of it anyway)
- Duke asking his campaign workers to sell people his book series History Of Western Meat when they call.
- In the B-plot, Marty runs for class president, and his platform is that he's the "regular kid candidate". When he announces this, two kids in the audience, who look and sound almost exactly like Marty, give an intrigued, "Hmm!"
Perot: If we don't deliver this pizza in thirty minutes, it's free! What's the hold-up?
- Marty attempts to finish his class homecoming float by himself. It was supposed to be a man on horseback, but just ends up being a giant horse's ass. Which is then accidentally set on fire during the parade.Jay: It's a giant horse's ass! (to camera, smiling) You're watching Fox. Give us ten minutes, we'll give you an ass.
- Also funny is Principal Mangosuthu's reaction: "A flaming horse's patoot!"
- Eleanor trying to help Jay decide if he should fire his father from the campaign or not.Eleanor: Jay, sit on my lap. (crushing noise) Get OFF my lap!
Jay: But it's so comfortable.
- Franklin's opening speech as Duke's running mate.Franklin: As the first black female head of the Ku Klux Klan, I'd just like to say AMERICA STINKS!
Duke: This may hurt us more than it helps us.
- This:Female Reporter: Welcome to Decision '96. It's eighteen months 'til the election and tonight we'll focus on the Vice Presidential candidates. Since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be inserting clips from Baywatch.
Woman: Help, help! An octopus stole my bikini top!
Mitch: I'll get it, but first, I better put on my octopus repellent. (slathers it on his chest seductively) Ooh, oh yeah, that's goood octopus repellent.
- Ross Perot and James Stockdale as pizza deliverymen.
Stockdale: Grrrrridlock! (cut to the two stuck in traffic)
Jay: Well, that's our show for tonight, folks. We didn't review many movies, but tune in next week when we have Gentle Ben maul Newt Gingrich. Good night, everybody!
- Duke responding to an unwelcome question from a reporter after Duke announced he just married June Lockhart.Male Reporter: Mr. Phillips, what do you say to those who claim this marriage is just an outrageous publicity stunt?
Duke: I SAY GAZE INTO THE HYPNOTIC POWER OF MY EEEEEVIL EEEEEYE!!
(the reporter is suddenly standing still)
Duke: Is there a follow-up question?
Male Reporter: (robotically) How may I serve you, evil one?
Jay: Listen Duke, I'm starting to have my doubts about this whole campaign. The phony June Lockhart wedding, the unmotivated Irish bashing, your use of the eeeeeevil eeeeye...
- Jay later brings this up.
- Apocalypse WOW.
- VOTE FOR DUKE. VOTE FOR DUKE. VOTE FOR DUKE.
- ...VOTE FOR DUKE!!!Jay: (Annoyed) Get that off my show.
- Duke Phillips shows off his political "skills" after Jay quits as his speechwriter.Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
Ronald Reagan: (watching Duke on TV with Nancy Reagan) Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
Duke: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about! California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
Queen Elizabeth II: (watching Duke on TV) Eww, I don't want that.
Prince Charles: (comes in with a tray of tea) MORE POISON!? I MEAN, TEA!?
Queen Elizabeth II: Ah, don't mind if I do. (looks in the cup) You almost had me there. (whacks him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious)
Duke: Well, that's my speech. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. (gets on his horse) Vote for Duke. Good night. (rides off)
- The ending, where June Lockhart sics Lassie on Duke, and tells Lassie, "Bite 'em where it hurts!" The funny part is how Jay addresses the camera as the mayhem unfolds behind him.
- Marty attempts to finish his class homecoming float by himself. It was supposed to be a man on horseback, but just ends up being a giant horse's ass. Which is then accidentally set on fire during the parade.
- The clip of Beverly Hills Robo K9 Cop and a Half 2:Police Chief: Listen Callahan, your partners have a way of dying on you. So I got you a new rookie fresh from the academy.
Rookie: Hi. (Explodes)
Callahan: That's a new one on me.
Police Chief: Alright, Callahan, I've got some new partners for you: a woman, a cute little kid, an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.
Leprechaun: I'll be your lucky charm! (Explodes)
- Inside Callahan's car.Callahan: Now look, you don't like me and I don't like you. But we're in this together. Any questions?
Kid: Can I go potty?
Callahan: For the last time, no!
- Later, Arnold Schwarzenegger appears...while they are at a truck stop restroom.Arnold: You think you've got problems? I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, Siamese twins, a sofa, and a second-rate mime.
Mime: Hey, I'm stuck in a box! I can't get- (Explodes)
- Inside Callahan's car.
- Duke wants a new sound byte for his network, PNN, so he wobbles his finger over lips while making a blubbering noise. The joke returns immediately:Announcer: This, is PNN. (blubbering noise) Duke, stop that! (Duke chuckles)
- When Jay sends Duke a message via rat to help him get out of prison in Baghdad, Duke just throws the rat into a bin titled "Rats from Jay", revealing that Jay had sent him other rats over the years, all of them having a message attached and unread.
- Duke: (Sorting through his mail) Junk mail, junk mail, junk mail, rat from Jay.
- When a helicopter comes to rescue Jay from the prison camp but can't hoist him out.Chopper's pilot: I don't get it, this thing's supposed to lift a tank.
Jay: Could you speak a little louder? I think a couple of guys in Jordan didn't hear you!
Off-screen voice: Yes, we did!
- The newspaper headline that outright states that George Bush, Sr. lost re-election because of a photo of him shaking hands with Jay after the latter's successful escape from Gulf War Iraq, due to film critics being "the most despised profession there is - except for pre-op groin shaver." The headline: "Bush Loses!" Made even better by the sub-headline: "Fat, Lecherous Hillbilly Elected."
- Arthur Bach reappears as one of the prisoners liberated by Jay from the Iraq POW camp. Because he's too busy coming up with observational quips he falls behind and loses sight of the others, whereupon he starts cracking jokes to the vulture that approaches him. "You are the ugliest flamingo I've ever seen!"
- Jay and company's encounter with the riddle master at the Sphinx.Riddle Master: Before you pass, you must answer the Riddle of the Sphinx; Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?Jay: He wanted to see time fly.Riddle Master: Alright, alright alright, that was an easy one.(Cut to later, as the Riddlemaster pulls a paper cup out of the Sphinx's nose and reads it)Riddle Master: When is a door not a door?Enoire: When it is ajar.Riddle Master: (Angrily crushes the cup) Okay, okay okay, one more.(Cut to night, where everyone is asleep and Jay looks bored)Riddle Master: What is green and sings?Jay: Elvis Parsley.Riddle Master: I also would have accepted "Fred Asparagus".Jay: Oh, what is the point of all this!?Riddle Master: (Sadly) I'm so lonely.
- An old 1950's newsreel is shown at Frank and Eleanor's anniversary. One of the clips involves Frank, Ted Kennedy, and Albert Einstein:Narrator: Franklin, a Rhodes scholar who's never had a drink in his life, samples the punch whipped up by young Ted Kennedy.
(Franklin drinks it and immediately drops to the floor, spinning around and around)
Ted Kennedy: Shut up, you chowderhead. (pulls Frank up by sticking his fingers in Frank's nose)
(Albert Einstein laughs)
Ted Kennedy: What are you laughing at, Einstein?
(Ted rips a lock of Einstein's hair out; Einstein retaliates by throwing a pie at Ted, but missing and hitting Eleanor Roosevelt.)
Eleanor Roosevelt: Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.
(hit with two more pies and falls down)
Narrator: (chuckles) Take that, Mrs. Roosevelt.
- Also, Elizabeth Tayor and Marlon Brando are shown chowing down at the reception. "They eat and eat and never gain an ounce!"
- Orson Welles's Video Will:
- Orson Welles: Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -
Lawyer: Mr. Welles, this is a video will.
Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this, I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour. (Walks away but then comes back) Oh what the hell, I need the money. (Sits back down) What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries, and GOBLINS!
Lawyer: Mr. Welles!
Welles: Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ... THE LIVING WILL! (Laughs evilly)
- As well as:Welles: And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs. Pell's.
Lawyer: (Off-screen) This isn't a commercial.
Welles: I know, that was just a declaration of love. (Eats one) Yes. Oh, yes! They're even better raw!
- Later, his ghost appears to Margo:Welles: Yes, they're alive. But I have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's fishsticks! (eats them) Yes, oh, yes! They're even better when you're dead!
- In a scene from The Bodyguard 2:(Kevin Costner is simultaneously carrying The Three Tenors in his arms, trying to keep his balance while he carries them out the back door of a theatre)
Three Tenors: (singing) Weeeee-HEE-heeeee-HEE-heeee will always love yoooooooooou!
(Costner suddenly falls, and the weight of the three causes his back to break)
Luciano Pavarotti: Boy, this guy can't carry a tune.
(All three tenors laugh)
Luciano Pavarotti: (seriously) Hey fellas, (lays handkerchief on Costner's face) I think he's dead.
(All three tenors laugh)
- Another "horrified realisation" joke: Penguins can't fly!Franklin: A penguin! (Grabs bottle of Johnny Swagger brand alcohol) And he's been drinking! Wait a minute ... Penguins can't fly! PENGUINS CAN'T FLY! (Plane goes down)
- Margo is listening to the black box from the plane, and hears the following exchange:Franklin: Help! Our plane's going down, and our pilot's a penguin!
Franklin: No I will not "pray with you"!
- After creating a hut, Franklin made a signal fire that spells out "NEED RUM". The funniest part? The pilot of a passing plane notices this and presses the "Rumdrop" button, which, well, drops a bottle of rum, which has its own parachute.
- In their video will, Franklin reveals that, when Jay was a child, he dropped him on his head ... for a whole day!
- Jay, the beneficiary of Franklin and Eleanor's estate, goes on a tour of the various Sherman-owned industries. They're all various evil industries, including a cigarette company that markets to children. The executive shows Jay and Alice an episode of Humphrey the Hippo:Humphrey: (who is smoking a cigarette) Hey kids, have you been smokin' like I asked you to?
Little girl: (with a really hoarse voice, provided by Doris Grau) Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day!
(the girl holds the packs up proudly)
Humphrey: Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed:
(all the kids gasp in shock)
Humphrey: (holds out an ice cream cone) You get ice cream!
(the hoarse-voiced little girl then coughs pretty heavily)
Little girl: (tiredly) Yay!
Jay: That's it! I'm shutting this place down!
- And right afterwards, when the Corrupt Corporate Executive of the factory finds out he's being shut down:
Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?
Jay: You're a bad man.
Executive: Hey, if it's a crime to encourage children to smoke and have sex, then lock me up.
(Gilligan Cut to him locked up in the back of a police van)
Executive: (dejected) I need a hug.
- Another "horrified realisation" joke: Penguins can't fly!
- Jay and Alice dressed up as Homer and Marge Simpson for Duke's costume ball.
- Alice: Jay, where'd you park?
Jay: I left my car with the valet.
Alice: There's no valet!
- A few moments later:Jay: Hello, Duke...
Duke: What are you dressed as? The Bald Gay Man?
Jay: (Sarcastically) Yes, that's it. The Bald Gay Man.
Duke: Attention everybody! We have a winner for the best costume. Jay Sherman as the Bald Gay Man! All you other Bald Gay Men can go home!
(Cue several actual bald, gay men angrily murmuring as they storm off, one of whom is Harvey Fierstein)
- Also at the party, after Franklin transforms into The Mask and behaves erratically:
- Alice reveals her sister Miranda was named after the character from The Tempest, and that she was named after Alice Cramden from The Honeymooners.
- Randa: We were both lucky compared to Brother Bisquick.
- Randa gets a job doing deliveries for Mattress In An Hour.
- Randa: I'm so exhausted! Today I had to deliver a mattress to Madonna! Then another one! Then another one! Then another one!...Then another one!
- When Duke breaks down crying on Coming Attractions.Male TV Announcer: (talking fast-paced) Viewer Disclaimer: Duke Phillips is not himself. He has been mixing NyQuil and DayQuil.
- When Doris lies and convinces Duke that she was the Southern Belle from his costume ball:Jay: Duke, this is crazy. She's not from the South.
Doris: I'm from Alabama.
Doris: Just barely.
(later that night at Duke's mansion)
Jay: Doris, you are not from the South.
Doris: I told you, I'm from Alabama.
Doris: No, I use Denture Grip.
(later, when Miranda finally reveals herself, after refusing to meet him because she had a single crow's foot)
Miranda: You don't mind my wrinkle?
Duke: Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.
Doris: (dully annoyed) Good one, Duke.
- The Rabbi P.I. joke is revisited in the final episode:
- Jay: Arnold specifically asked me not to show the clip of his musical number. So here it is! (same clip plays)
- And immediately after the clip, Jay announces that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the next guest. But he doesn't come through the door. A skinny, nebbish man comes out and says, "Arnold's not coming. You made him cry." and leaves. Jay improvises: "Uh... Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody! Wasn't he great??"
- Milton Berle's appearance.Milton Berle: (reads from his book "More of the Best of Milton Berle's Private Joke File") Here's a gag for you, Jay. "I saw a movie that was so bad, people were waiting in line to get out."
- In the first webisode, Jay recalls how, between his stint on Fox and this episode, he was briefly Regis Philbin's co-host on Regis and Kathie Lee.Regis: You call that a sidekick? I wanted a middle-aged woman with big knobs! (to henchmen) Take him out, mess him up.
- "Oh Jay, you bitch! It's the internet. I can say 'bitch!'"
- In the second webisode, the Mission: Impossible II parody. Specifically, how Tom Cruise can take giant tank artillery to the chest (it bounces right off) and can run through machine gun fire without getting hit. Then he flips his hair and gives his trademark smile to the camera. The caricature is just fantastic.
- Also, this bit, referencing Anthony Hopkins's role as Commander Swanbeck:Swanbeck: Mister Hunt, your mission is to find a deadly virus while engaging in a maximum of daring-do. Can I have my money now?
Swanbeck: To help you, I'm assigning you three partners who will sit around... and do nothing. Can I have my money NOW?
- Jennifer admits that she's reluctant to get in another relationship because after she has sex with a guy, "it's so good, they become fixated with me." Jay assures her, "Well with me, it wouldn't be that good."
- Also, this bit, referencing Anthony Hopkins's role as Commander Swanbeck:
- The third Webisode had a genuinely funny bit of Pikachu being outed by Jay, and when his sexy makeup lady walks out on him, Pikachu returns and hits on Jay.Pikachu: (in lower voice) So... are you free for dinner?
- In the fourth webisode, Jay complains that he was out of work from 1995 to 2000, so he missed out on criticizing numerous films, such as The Sixth Sense.Jay: "I see dead people"; are we supposed to believe that?
(the ghosts of John Wayne and Walter Brennan appear behind him)
John Wayne: Say, 4x4, are you gonna finish those fries?
Walter Brennan: Eh, come on, Duke, we can always bum some food off of Shirley MacLaine.
John Wayne: Yeah, but then you gotta listen to her.
- The fifth webisode had Jay do an Oscar special.Jay: Tonight, we pay tribute to the Oscars, a spectacle based on the fallacious premise that each year Hollywood has a best picture. Who could forget films like Raging Bull, E.T, or Citizen Kane? The Oscars, that's who! They all lost, but let's look at some of the crap that won—like Out of Africa.
Jay: (annoyed) What do you want? It's the internet; we've got no budget!
- Said clip involves Denys pampering Karen by shampooing her hair, doing her toenails... and performing liposuction surgery on her. With a monkey in nurse garb assisting.
- The Jay Sherman Dancers consists of just one old, fat woman doing a kick.
- The clip of On the Waterfront, which Jay calls "the greatest scene in Oscar history":Terry: I coulda been somebody. I Coulda Been a Contender!. Instead, I'm gonna make a lot of bad movies, then have a comeback in The '70s, and let an Indian accept my award. Then I'll make more bad movies, and get really fat, and kiss Larry King on the mouth.
Charley: I can't take it anymore! (leaves the car)
Terry: Hey, where ya goin'?! The car's still movin'! Oh well. Take me to Krispy Kreme.
- In the sixth webisode, Jennifer looks at the audience to talk to "all of you women out there on the internet," but then assumes "which is about three of you."
- The seventh webisode had a parody of Cast Away, with Tom Hanks burning his numerous Oscars to keep warm, and eating some of them, too.
- In the eighth webisode, Jay tells Jennifer that New York is a lot nicer than it used to be. To prove his point, a mugger approaches and congenially asks for Jay's wallet. Jay gives it to him, and the mugger asks, "Would you like a receipt?"
- Jennifer shows Jay her bedroom, which has her children sleeping in it. Jay asks the viewers at home to vote on what he should do next: "(A) Run like hell", "(B) Tell her I love her, show her my vulnerability", or "(C) Sleep with her anyway, wear two condoms, double-bagged for my protection." The votes come in: 93% voted for sex. Typical internet.
- In the ninth webisode, Jay and Jennifer see a Broadway play called Copenhagen, a "riveting drama based on the laws of subatomic physics." Cue the show, where one of the actors says "It is impossible to simultaneously determine the angular momentum and position of an electron!" Everyone in the audience is asleep.
Jay: Wow, everything's big on him, except his ego!Jerry: Biff, Happy, where are my sons? And why do they have names like laundry detergents??
- The Broadway version of The Graduate, with the part of Mrs. Robinson played by Jon Lovitz. Everyone is grossed out when Lovitz enters the scene nude ("Benjamin, don't go. I know you want me."), except for Jay:
(Kramer does his trademark entrance; George also enters)
George: I tried out for the football team; you know what they told me? I'll tell you what they told me: Too Jewish!
Jay: (in audience) There's such a thing as too Jewish??
- The tenth webisode: The revised version of Pearl Harbor for Japanese audiences:General: They [the U.S.] may win the war, but they can never match our fuel-efficient cars, and state-of-the-art stereo equipment! (he and his soldiers laugh, as "Toyota: What a Feeling!" flashes on the screen)