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* One of Duke's attempts to make the show funnier: bringing on [[AsHimself Kareem Abdul-Jabbar]] and having Jay portray a ventriloquist dummy on his lap.
-->'''Kareem:''' Welcome to ''Coming Attractions''. I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and this is Little Knothead.\\
'''Jay:''' This is so demeaning. I have a [=PhD=] in film.\\
'''Kareem:''' Okay, "Doctor" Knothead. Why don't you sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink a glass of water?\\
'''Jay:''' ''[singing, as Kareem drinks]'' "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! That's my name, too!" I spit in the water!\\
'''Kareen:''' ''[spitting up]'' [[IAteWhat Knothead!]]


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** D.T. coughing up a very much alive cat.
--->'''D.T.:''' I don't know when I ate that.


--->'''Orson Welles:''' Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -\\

to:

--->'''Orson -->'''Orson Welles:''' Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -\\mystery--\\



'''Welles:''' Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ... '''''THE LIVING WILL!''''' ''(Laughs evilly)''

to:

'''Welles:''' Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ...you... '''''THE LIVING WILL!''''' ''(Laughs evilly)''


--->'''Welles:''' [[Film/CitizenKane Rosebud.]] Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness ... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. ''(Takes a handful and pops a few in his mouth.)'' Oh, what luck! There's a French fry stuck in my beard! ''(Eats)'' Oh yeah.

to:

--->'''Welles:''' [[Film/CitizenKane Rosebud.]] Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country [[CountryMatters country]] goodness and green pea-ness ...[[InnocentInnuendo pea-ness]]... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. ''(Takes a handful of peas and pops a few in his mouth.)'' Oh, what luck! There's a French fry stuck in my beard! ''(Eats)'' Oh yeah.



--->'''Jay:''' ''(dancing in a disco, complete with a 70s polyester suit)'' I'm a maniac, maaaaniaaaac on the floor! And I'm dancing like I never danced before! ''(he accidentally stomps through the glass floor, losing his shoe in the process, then turns to an attractive woman, showing off his Pultizer hanging around his neck in a chain)'' Hello baby! You know what this is?\\

to:

--->'''Jay:''' -->'''Jay:''' ''(dancing in a disco, complete with a 70s polyester suit)'' I'm a maniac, maaaaniaaaac on the floor! And I'm dancing like I never danced before! ''(he accidentally stomps through the glass floor, losing his shoe in the process, then turns to an attractive woman, showing off his Pultizer hanging around his neck in a chain)'' Hello baby! You know what this is?\\

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* Jay's dad Franklin helps him train for the marathon, and one of the excersizes he has Jay do is run along the beach to a lighthouse. Cut to several hours later when two men show up with an exhausted Jay lying on a flatbed truck.
--> '''Man''': We found him lying by the side of the ocean. We're doing our best to keep him moist.
--> '''Franklin''': My son is not a whale!
--> '''Man''': Well whatever he is, he just ate a bucket of chum!


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* ''Jay Sherman: Around The Block In 80 Days!''
--> '''Reporter''': We're still waiting for runner Jay Sherman, 16 hours after the race started, which is ironic, [[EpicFail because to walk the route only takes 13 hours.]] In fact, this 78-year old man has just finished the race while pulling a bus with his teeth!
--> '''Old Man''': I did this to show that instead of putting old people into nursing homes, they should turn us into slaves and pack animals!
* One of the participants is running the race with a live ferret in his pants.
--> '''Runner''': It's not by choice.
** He later reappears as one of the last runners to reach the finish line.
--> '''Margo''': There he(Jay) is!
--> '''Shackleford''': No, that's the gentleman with the ferret in his pants.
--> '''Runner''': Hey, they laughed at Christopher Columbus too!
--> '''Shackleford''': No they didn't.
--> '''Runner''': Well they would have if he had a ferret in ''his'' pants!


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* At the doctors office, Duke is horrified when he's told he's dying despite his otherwise excellent health.
--> '''Duke''': You mean this guy(Jay) is going to live longer than me?!
--> '''Doctor''': Yes, but he will have years of chronic back and joint pain before he finally chokes on a ham sandwich in his bathtub.
--> '''Jay''': Ohh, can the sandwich be olive loaf?
--> Doctor''': I suppose so.
--> '''Jay''': Yes! *fist pumps*

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* Jay sings to Eleanor on TV in an attempt to apologize. Eleanor's watching at home and tells her guard dogs: "Attack on sight." The dogs run at the TV and try to bite the screen.


** "That's my son! '''''[[{{Gasshole}} BEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!]]'''''"

to:

** * "That's my son! '''''[[{{Gasshole}} BEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!]]'''''"


'''Jay (to Duke):''' You're the reason that we're in this pickle!\\

to:

'''Jay (to Duke):''' You're ''You're'' the reason that we're ''we're'' in this pickle!\\


** That's my son! '''''[[{{Gasshole}} BEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!]]'''''

to:

** That's "That's my son! '''''[[{{Gasshole}} BEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!]]'''''BEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!]]'''''"

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** That's my son! '''''[[{{Gasshole}} BEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!]]'''''

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--> '''Pikachu''': ''(in lower voice)'' So... are you free for dinner?

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* After Eleanor reluctantly agrees to be interviewed by Geraldo Rivera:
--> '''Franklin''': Son loves mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants.

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* During her dispute with her mother over going to the ball, Margo asks if Jay thinks she's right in refusing.
--> '''Jay''': Well sure, but it doesn't matter. She'll keep pecking at you until you cry uncle... *cut to outside Margo's treehouse, where Jay is stuck in the entrance and a woodpecker is pecking at his butt* UNCLE! ''UNCLE!!''


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** After Margo rejects him, Eleanor still wants to bring him to the dance as her own date.
--> '''Franklin''': What about me?
--> '''Eleanor''': I was just going to give you some rubber bands to play with but if you want, you can come.
--> '''Franklin''': Awww, I could have had rubber bands...
* While designing Margo's dress, the tailor sends out Eleanor for a moment so he can talk to Margo in private.
--> '''Tailor''': We tailors have a very strict code. Do you deserve to wear viriginal white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off-white, what we call a "hussy white". So what'll it be? White-white..?
--> '''Margo''': ''Yes!!'' Umm... *looks guilty* Except for the gloves...

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* Eleanor tries to arrange a date to escort Margo to the ball, and picks an UpperClassTwit so inbred he has [[NotHyperbole actual blue blood]].
--> '''Eleanor''': He can only receive transfusions from [[TakeThat Mrs. Walter Cronkite!]]

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* Marty and Jay run into Humphrey The Hippo at the video store, because he's there to promote his new [[RatedGForGangsta rap video]] "Hug Da Police".
--> '''Humphrey''': And remember kids, you can be anything you want to be when you grow up!
--> '''Jay''': Except a doofus in a hippo costume, that job is taken!
--> '''Humphrey''': Hey, it's grumpy old film critic Jay Sherman!
--> '''Kids''': ''BOO!''
** One of the grudges Jay has with Humphrey is that his cereal brand turned his urine pink.
--> '''Humphrey''': Why you'd have to eat 10 bowls for that to happen!
--> '''Jay''': Yes yes, and a gallon of chocolate milk, but that's not the point!
* Before they get into the limousine, Margo has something to say.
--> '''Margo''': Before we get into the car, I'd just like to say that the only reason I agreed to this was to save my horses life.
--> '''Jay''': And I'd just like to say that I had a [[{{Gasshole}} big Mexican lunch]]!
--> '''Driver''': Don't worry, I once drove James Coco home after a chili cookoff!
* The woman Jay hooks up with at the ball turns out to be [[spoiler: the actress who plays Humphrey The Hippo]]
--> '''Jay''': Oh god, I'm about to have sex with the thing I hate most in the world!
** Eleanor doesn't think highly of the type of women who are drawn to Jay.
--> '''Eleanor''': Oh dear, I hope she atleast sleeps with him before she kills him.


'''Reporter:''' Mr. Phillips, I'm from a disreputable supermarket tabloid and... ''(takes photo of the nude Jay kneeling in front of Duke)'' I won't need a ''minute'' more of your time. ''(leaves)''\\

to:

'''Reporter:''' Mr. Phillips, I'm from a disreputable supermarket tabloid and... ''(takes ''([[NotWhatItLooksLike takes photo of the nude Jay kneeling in front of Duke)'' Duke]])'' I won't need a ''minute'' more of your time. ''(leaves)''\\

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