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Characters / Backstroke of the West
aka: The Star War Gatherings

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Characters from both Backstroke of the West and its Fan Sequels The Star War Gatherings.

Characters Introduced in Backstroke of the West

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    Allah Gold 

Allah Gold / Allah Skywalker / The Peaceful Is Willing To / Line / Roy
"Only guarantee my cuckoldry the safety."
Played by: Hayden Christensen (stock footage)
Originally called: Anakin Skywalker

A Young Hopeless Situation Warrior with great ambitions. Being unwilling to do a mediocre hopeless, he is deeply involved in the Presbyterian Church's war politics, though it's unclear whether he wants the war to continue or not.

  • Achey Scars: He has one, and in The Duplicate Offensive he asks The Plum Of not to kiss it.
  • Almighty Janitor: Apparently, being a mere private makes him eligible to become an Elder.
  • Ambadassador: He's a Hopeless Situation Warrior, and is also involved in some kind of peace negotiations.
  • Amoral Afrikaner: Possibly. The guy's a morally ambiguous caucasian soldier who's said to have been born in Africa, but it's never mentioned which specific country he comes from, presumably Tunisia.
  • Anthropomorphic Personification: He's "the relation of long peace". The Hopeless Situation Parliament does not like him because of this, and punish him by denying him the title.
  • Answers to the Name of God: When you have "Allah" as your first name, this trope is pretty much unavoidable.
  • Artificial Human: He briefly mentions that he was just made by the Presbyterian Church (the sentence ends there) to Ratio Tile.
  • The Atoner: This may be the reasoning for his interest in restoring peace, assuming The Plum Of was right and the war really WAS caused by a mistake he made.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: "Allah Gold" definitely qualifies.
  • Bi the Way: He is romantically involved with The Gets The Rice, but is implied to be having an affair with Speaker D. He also mentions at one point that he hopes to make out with Ratio Tile. However, 'make out' may be slang for 'fight', considering Speaker D said Allah Gold 'makes out quite well' after handily defeating The. This interpretation would imply Allah Gold wants to battle Ratio Tile at some point...which is exactly what happens in the climax.
  • Blue and Orange Morality: Even before turning to the Black Influence, Gold has second thoughts about killing The because "he is not just a prisoner" — implying that killing him in cold blood would've been no problem if he had been a mere prisoner.
  • Boomerang Bigot: Describes the Plum Of as an "unknown white" despite himself being white.
  • Bratty Half-Pint: He was one as a child, outright telling Qui-Gon that he wanted to be a problem.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: Referring to The Plum Of's japor snippet, Allah says he remembers the scene he gave it to her in.
  • Captain Oblivious: When he isn't pointing out the blatantly obvious, he is mostly just asking people what's happening and why.
  • Cuckold: One of the first things he asks from Speaker D following the latter becoming disabled and sick is to guarantee the safety of his cuckoldry.
  • Death Seeker: Claims to be looking for a way to die.
  • Doublethink: He simultaneously wants to start more wars (in order to end war) and is also involved in peace negotiations. He doesn't seem to think there's any contradiction there.
    • Or he simply wants the war to end and is willing to do anything to achieve that, whether it's diplomacy (peace negotiations) or force (start more wars).
  • Do Wrong, Right: Seems annoyed that the war has not done a good job of disrupting the Republic.
  • Dumb Muscle: According to the D, he doesn't even know basic geometry and has to "study the square" — and yet he still manages to destroy Hopeless Situation Warriors.
  • Easy Amnesia: In The Duplicate Offensive, he suddenly forgets who he and Ratio Tile are. He gets better later with no explanation.
  • Hates Being Touched: He begs The Plum Of to not kiss his scar, and flies into a rage when thinking about the time Ratio Tile hugged him.
  • Immediate Self-Contradiction: He has a habit of doing this.
    "The R2 came right away, in a moment."
    "I do not need the child's help. Our baby blesses god'sly."
    "Let me enter the parliament. Do not let me."
  • Law of Disproportionate Response: Whereas in the original film Anakin was motivated via a premonition of Padme dying in childbirth, here the premonition seems to instead depict The Plum Of being upset that their child was abducted shortly after birth, making Allah Gold's decision to turn to the Dark World even more disproportionate than it was originally.
  • My God, What Have I Done?: Has a moment after helping D kill Text How Big.
    "I did what"
  • Not Big Enough for the Two of Us: When confronted by Ratio Tile at the end.
    Ratio Tile: Let me killing your and?!?
    Allah Gold: [coldly] Is not your new empire.
  • Plant Person: He thanks Ratio Tile for cultivating him after revealing that he is an Artificial Human.
  • Raging Stiffie: Apparently his killing off of the Hopeless Situation Warriors in their temples causes him to get "at full cock", as noted by D The Superior.
  • Start X to Stop X: He wants to start more wars in order to end the war.

    Ratio Tile 

Ratio Tile / The Willing to Compares / Ratio Prosperous / The Ratio is Prosperous / Wan Kenobi / Section Ratio General / European Wan / Old Ben / Obi-Wan Kenobi / The Kenobi / Austria Wang Wan Kenobi
"He the my brothers in elephant is similar. I can not do it."
Played by: Ewan McGregor, Alec Guinness (stock footage)
Originally called: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Allah Gold's depraved and foul-mouthed teacher. He is not as politically minded as his student, though he is still very loyal to the Presbyterian Church. He may or may not be a Human Alien, and he may or may not be having an affair with The Plum Of.

  • Anything That Moves: Ratio repeatedly states his desire to have sex with Allah Gold and states that he can have it with somebody's wife if he needs to.
  • Adaptational Villainy: In The Duplicate Offensive, he ominously states he'll pin the blame for the assassination attempts on someone's wife, and attempts to rope an unwilling Django into a scheme against Obi-Wan.
  • Anguished Declaration of Love: Possibly when Allah Gold/The Peaceful Is Willing To says that he will ruin him, where he responds with this.
    "The Peaceful Is Willing To, you the past is my brothers, what I love is you!"
  • Born in the Wrong Century: Vanquish Is thinks so, at least.
  • Camera Fiend: Implied. Ratio Tile claims to be in whole photographing.
  • Change the Uncomfortable Subject: In recapping the meeting that Allah Gold missed, he starts out sheepishly talking about how "the combat report of the other warrior" mentioned his own depravity, then totally drops it and starts going into stuff about the war and the parliament.
  • Complaining About Rescues They Don't Like: His only reaction to both Allah Gold and R2's efforts to save him from the Airship Robots is to say "Good kind of" to both them.
  • Deadpan Snarker: He has his moments, like after the impressive crash-landing that smashed Lemon Avenue into rubble and nearly killed him, his apprentice and the supreme leader of the Gram Republic: he snarks that nobody is there to greet them.
  • Growing Up Sucks: Ratio the Tile comments "I was old" after Allah Gold uses his powers to jump out of an elevator.
  • Handicapped Badass: He claims to be this, though he shows no signs of being handicapped. If he really is disabled, his disability doesn't prevent him from performing any of his badass deeds from the original film.
  • Heroic Self-Deprecation: Even though he displays great physical agility, he refers to himself as "disabled person".
  • Honor Before Reason: When Allah Gold says that Ratio Tile owes him seven times, Ratio reminds him that it's actually nine times; the preceding events don't count for some reason.
  • I Have Many Names: His name is translated in more different ways than any other character.
  • Large Ham: Has his moments.
    "But is I to republic with DEMOCRATIC AND LOYAL TO!"
  • Major Injury Underreaction: Of a mechanical sort. When the Airship Robots start tearing his airship apart, he merely grumbles about how bothersome they're being.
  • Mr. Vice Guy: He's a depraved and foul-mouthed guy who nonetheless believes the best of people.
  • No Periods, Period: Possibly averted, at least if this assertion by The Peaceful is Willing To is to be believed:
    "Your dead period arrived, teacher"
    • Alternatively, he could mean it in the sense it's his period of being dead, which would basically mean "It's time to die".
  • Obliviously Evil: He is very surprised when he is informed that he is depraved.
  • Our Zombies Are Different: It turns out that, despite showing no signs of it, he is a zombie, as revealed when Space General mentions that he died to settle an unspecified struggle.
    • Alternatively, Ratio Tile is actually Reach the Man's disciple, and as a result can use the Original Dint to come back from being incredibly on the hoof.
  • Really Gets Around: In The Duplicate Offensive, Lama Su asks him if he's "Otherwise, the leading member of the Presbyterian Church fuck?" However, it's not until Backstroke of the West that he realizes just how depraved he is.
  • Related in the Adaptation: He now seems to be the father of the "pathetic people".
  • Rousseau Was Right: He believes that everybody is good.
  • Screw Yourself: His claim that he "did [Allah Gold's] teacher" becomes disturbing, considering he's apparently describing himself.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Is responsible for all four of the movie's Precision F-Strikes.
  • Skewed Priorities: He has a real problem with this.
    • Despite needing R2 to activate the elevator, his first priority is to find out if he "is fucking".
    • Instead of being relieved not to have died when Space General's airship nearly crashes, Ratio Tile complains that "the nobody greets" when they land. Could just be an example of dry post-danger wit.
    • His first action in the wake of the massacre at the Hopeless Situation temple is to change the password on some random piece of equipment.
    • When being told that The Plum Of is dying, Ratio Tile is only worried with whether she'll die quickly or not. Though this could be out of concern, as she's clearly suffering.
  • Spell My Name with a "The": While being rescued in The Novelty Desire, Princess Leah calls him "The Kenobi".
  • Time Travel: He's been able to escape by jumping to a day after the fair.
  • Tomato in the Mirror: He is surprised to discover during a briefing that he is apparently depraved.
  • Transgender: Possibly. He is a man, but his period arrives during his fight with Allah Gold. Ghost the Threat supports this by having Qui-Gon mention his "transition".
  • Troll: Uses his Hopeless Situation Mind Trick to make a ST ER ORMTROOP say "They can not robots we do fuck."
  • Unexplained Recovery: According to Space General, he has already died. This does nothing to slow him down.

    D the Superior 

D the Superior / The Pudding / Dark Improbity / Merkel / Map / Jehovah the West Four
"You are already at full cock now. Spread all over the place, the empire."
Played by: Ian McDiarmid (stock footage)
Originally called: Sheev Palpatine

The Supreme leader of the Gram Republic, and secretly the West Emperor of the Dark World as well. He has a fondness of constantly giving himself new titles, and is also a notorious Dirty Old Man, which the Hopeless Situation Parliament plans to exploit in order to usurp him.

  • Adaptational Anti-Villain: Revenge of the Sith heavily implies that Palpatine was the apprentice who murdered Darth Plagueis; here, Reach the Man was killed by his land, not by the D. It's also said that the war wasn't started by him, but by Allah Gold, meaning that The D might genuinely be a Well-Intentioned Extremist doing what he feels is necessary to end the conflict. However, it's still undeniable that he's not a good person: he causes the destruction of the Hopeless Situation Warriors, and he's every bit as ambitious and power-hungry as Palpatine, wanting to be aller strong and big than anyone.
  • Ambition Is Evil: Just like his original incarnation, and perhaps even more so. Instead of complimenting Allah Gold's power before his fight with Vanquish Is, he crows that he will be "aller strong and big than anyone."
  • Badass Boast: His address to the parliament after his assassination attempt:
    "Want to assassinate my person, to leave the scar became me disable and sick. However my power has always been. to have no like. For insuring the future safety with prospers . . . the Republic organizes afresh, become THE EMPIRE OF THE FIRST CHOICE! This is for the sake of a more safe the society . . ."
  • Badass Gay: Implied. He never shows any sexual interest in women, and the Presbyterian Church specifically sends a handsome young man to seduce him, and he's capable of going toe-to-toe with two of the strongest Hopeless Situation Warriors in the galaxy. The way he describes Emperor Reach The Man is also rather homoerotic.
    "He is so strong and big."
  • Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head: In "Hopeless Situation Returns", D calls Gospel a "Baby idiot." before he attacks him.
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: While all of the characters can come off as this thanks to the incomprehensible dialogue they all bring to the table, the Ice-Cream Koan D uses to describe the Dark World is so utterly bizarre that Allah Gold can only respond with a stunned "You say what?"
  • Composite Character: Maybe. The translation doesn't make any real distinction between "The Emperor" (Darth Plagueis, who is implied to still be alive) and "The West Emperor" (Darth Sidious), so it's possible that they are the same person. Unless Darth Plagueis is R2.
  • Dirty Old Man: He's apparently notorious for being this, as the Hopeless Situation Presbyterian orders Allah Gold to spy on him in order to learn more about his sex life. However, the D instead seduces Gold into having an affair with him, and casually dishes out lewd comments such as informing Gold (then Reaching the West of Reaches) he is "at full cock" and urging him to "spread all over the place the Empire." Guess they don't call him "The D" for nothing.
    • Dirty Old Monk: Gives off this impression. He's never actually said to be a man of the cloth, but he is a religious Dirty Old Man dressed in monk-like robes.
  • The End Is Nigh: Claims this at one point:
    "The judgment day of world come quickly, general"
  • Evil Counterpart: Palpatine was already one to both Obi-Wan and Yoda in canon, but D is primarily one to Ratio Tile: Both are extremely perverted and make advances towards Allah Gold at multiple points.
  • Evil Is Bigger/Large and in Charge: His stated ambition is to be stronger and bigger than anyone else.
  • Fire/Water Juxtaposition: He seems to see the Wish Power as this. He says that the Dark World is like "the fire of water".
  • Gratuitous German:
    "I would be aller strong and big than everyone."
  • Handicapped Badass: Claims to have been left disabled and sick by his fight with Text How Big, but he still has little trouble seeing off Vanquish Is when they battle.
  • Like Is, Like, a Comma: "The Presbyterian Church, like, enjoys you not".
  • No, You: His response when Text How Big says that he failed is "Not. Not- You just failed."
  • Pet the Dog: Speaker D outwardly admits that he had used Allah Gold to kill Text How Big, and that he has no more use for him... before offering Allah Gold a chance to be his student anyway for no reason other than apparently having grown fond of him.
  • Popularity Power: One possible interpretation of his power having always been "to have no like" is that this is Inverted, and if so, he may gain power from having a 0% Approval Rating.
  • The Power of Hate: Claims that his power has always been "to have no like". This may also be interpreted as Blessed with Suck, depending on who's doing the liking.
  • Power of the Void: He apparently taps into a "great void" for his power. During the crux of his duel with Text How Big, his great void grows weak, preventing him from overcoming the Hopeless Situation Elder before Allah Gold intervenes.
  • Power Perversion Potential: He suggests Allah Gold to "study the dark power in usage with me".
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Another thing that sets him apart from Palpatine. He treats his close allies fairly well, considering he let South Host go on vacation.
  • Refuge in Audacity: He simply, and bluntly, orders the Republic Troopseses to kill the Hopeless Situation Warriors once their time runs out. Rather than question this order, they immediately comply.
  • The Reveal: After everything he does to make religion legal in the Milky Way and all the events that follow, he reveals to Gospel that he was an atheist all along and was only using religious beliefs to further manipulate the galaxy.
  • Royal "We": Briefly lapses into this while assuring Allah Gold that he's fine upon being rescued by Gold and Ratio Tile.
  • Screw the Rules, I Make Them!: His Establishing Character Moment from Ghost The Threat, with an unusual emphasis on the "screwing" part.
    West Emperor: I want to fuck it into law.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: Oddly mashes together Flowery Elizabethan English and Valley Girl syntax in the line "The Presbyterian Church, like, enjoys you not."
  • Then Let Me Be Evil: Some of his dialogue suggests that he tried to do the right thing at first, but constant attacks by the Presbyterian Church (which were implied to be motivated by bigotry) eventually drove him to unleash his ambitions, destroy them, and take supreme power.
  • Token Good Teammate: He claims to be this, as he reveals that he also belongs to the Hopeless Situation Presbyterian, despite disapproving of their plot "to rule." Though this might be mostly because he is already the Prime Minister / Governor / Speaker / West Emperor / Big King, and simply fears that the other Hopeless Situations will betrayal him.
  • Undying Loyalty: To the Black Influence. At some point in time, he needed it to save himself from something, and as such holds it in high regard.
  • Villains Want Mercy: In a scene relatively unchanged from the original, he beseeches Text How Big to show mercy, and for Allah Gold to save him when Text How Big is clearly not in a giving vein.
    Speaker D: (terrified)!
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist:
    • Paints himself as this, notably before his battle with Text How Big.
    • In Ghost The Threat, he's willing to offer sexual favors to make religion legal in the galaxy.
  • Working Through the Cold: Has an intense duel with with Vanquish Is mere hours after telling the Parliament that he became disabled and sick.

    The Plum Of 

The Plum Of / The Gets The Rice / Pair of Lady Microphone
"At the time of we still canning make leave the all these."
Played by: Natalie Portman (stock footage)
Originally called: Padmé Amidala

Allah Gold's lover. She blames him for starting the war, and believes herself to have suffered a miscarriage. Fortunately she turns out to be wrong, meaning that she will still give birth to children which will help her clean the house while she feeds it.

  • Bizarre Alien Biology: Apparently, whatever species of Human Alien she is should not be capable of shivering.
    Allah Gold: Are you o.k.? You is shivering. How?
  • Bondage Is Bad: She misinterprets Allah Gold's declaration of love, thinking he wants her to tie him up, and seems disturbed by the thought.
  • Covert Pervert: In the Bondage Is Bad example, she's the one who, totally out of nowhere, suggests that Allah Gold wants her to tie him up. He seems embarrassed by the idea.
  • Did You Die?: She asks The Peaceful Is Willing To this question.
    The Plum of That: Hear of you is killed.
    Allah Gold: I did not die, is not.
  • Eats Babies: She seems worried that her child will be sent to the slaughterhouse.
    The Plum Of: Is that baby on the hoof?
  • Face of an Angel, Mind of a Demon: When they first meet, The Peaceful Is Willing To calls her a "beautiful monster".
  • Hates Being Touched: She tells Bottle that she doesn't want to hold him.
  • The Maiden Name Debate: On her deathbed, she mentions that she is not "Line" (and presumably not a "Willing To" or a "Gold" either.)
  • Not So Different: Allah Gold accuses her tone of resembling the Abruption Doctrine.
  • Run, Don't Walk: A rare example outside of a video game. She can't walk on a road meant for running about.
  • That Makes Me Feel Angry: After learning The Peaceful Is Willing To has joined the Dark World, The Plum Of tearfully tells him "You let me feeling sad!"
  • Vow of Celibacy: Has apparently taken one. It obviously doesn't stick, given that she ends up pregnant with Allah Gold's children.
  • Your Cheating Heart: She and Allah Gold both accuse each other of cheating with somebody else, and at least The Plum Of seems to be right, as the Presbyterian Church has sent Allah Gold to seduce Speaker D.

    Vanquish Is 

Vanquish Is / Particularly Reach the Master / Sir Yoda / Master Judas
"We must ruin the west."
Played by: Frank Oz (stock footage)
Originally called: Yoda

An elder of the Hopeless Situation Parliament. He attempts to ruin the West by feigning surrender and fighting The D, but the powers of the Dark World are too strong and big for Particularly Reach the Master, forcing him to leave the country.

  • Adaptational Nice Guy: He was mostly just a Hero Antagonist in Revenge of the Sith. Here, on the other hand, Vanquish Is is significantly more supportive of Allah Gold than Yoda was of Anakin, defending him as "a right candidate" when Text How Big distrusts him and later noting his "experience" as a reason to give him the mission of finding Space General (though this is overruled).
  • Adaptational Villainy: In The Duplicate Offensive, after Camino has been found, he tells Ratio Tile to delete all files related to it, suggesting the Hopeless Situation Warriors were using the planet for some sinister purpose.
  • Artificial Alien: The D calls him a mannequin before their battle.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: He can't seem to focus on helping Ratio Tile find Camino, talking instead about finding "fuck and wan planets", then bringing up his past relationship with someone named Sarah.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: VANQUISH IS. And just in case someone starts to think the little green space goblin having a name like that is an example of Deathbringer the Adorable, all he has to do is pull out his lightsaber to prove them dead wrong.
  • Captain Obvious: At one point, he notes that “The current time arrived.
  • Cross-Dressing Voices: He is clearly voiced by a woman, leading to some Larynx Dissonance.
  • Destroy the Evidence: He encourages Ratio Tile to "delete the email", but soon realizes it can't be done.
  • Dirty Old Man: He appears to encourage the younglings to look for sex.
  • Drugs Are Bad: He seems to be worried that the Hopeless Situation Warriors will become addicted to cocaine.
    "Wait until the gram the person discovers. Will use very long hours."
    • Considering The Plum Of's comment to Allah Gold about him being too high, perhaps these worries aren't entirely without merit.
  • Emotionally Tongue-Tied: When he says goodbye to Drag Along, he tells him "I will miss your—", but can't finish the sentence and leaves without saying anything else.
  • Healing Hands: In The Counterattack Collection, he causes the "cancellation" of Gospel's "heart problems".
  • I Surrender, Suckers: He sneaks into The D's chambers late in the film this way:
    Speaker D: Vanquish Is. You surrendered.
    Vanquish Is: Surprise.
  • Know When to Fold 'Em: Decides to Run for the Border when The D overpowers him at the end of their fight.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: In The Counterattack Collection, he urges Gospel to "destroy all".
  • The One That Got Away: Sarah, as mentioned in The Duplicate Offensive, though his vague, defensive statement that "Sarah happened" suggests some kind of unpleasant Noodle Incident figured into the breakup.
  • The Paladin: Taken even further than in canon, as he actually holds the title "sir".
  • Pragmatic Hero: Perfectly willing to use dirty tricks in his efforts to ruin the west.
  • Run for the Border: States that he must leave the country after being defeated by The Pudding.
  • Sex–Face Turn: He plans a Fan Disservice variant when he insists that “[he] must hold tight the Space General” to end the war.

    Text How Big 

Text How Big
"Adult, you were caught."
Played by: Samuel L. Jackson (stock footage)
Originally called: Mace Windu

A powerful Hopeless Situation master who tries to have Speaker D caught fucking. Tends to be fairly rude to most people he encounters. Really dislikes foolish people, young people, grown-up people, and black people.

  • Boomerang Bigot:
    • Is against the notion of compromising with black people, despite himself being a black person.
    • He also dislikes The D for being an adult, despite being portrayed by an actor in his fifties.
  • The Comically Serious: While most of the cast is this to a certain extent, he is especially notably due to being The Stoic.
  • Hates Everyone Equally: Including himself.
  • Properly Paranoid: Expresses doubt that Allah Gold can handle the mission to spy on Speaker D. He turns out to be absolutely right, but it makes no difference in the end: Speaker D's plan goes off without a hitch, Allah Gold goes to the Dark World, and Text How Big goes careening out the window.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: This gem, from Ghost The Threat.
    Text How Big: This will put pressure on alliances to broaden the fuck confrontation.
  • Underestimating Badassery: When Allah Gold tries to warn him about D's power, Text How Big dismisses his concerns as foolish. He would soon regret not listening to him.
  • We Have Reserves: Averted. He specifies that only specific "troopseses" whom The Master Of is helping should be sent into battle, and not anyone else.
  • Worthy Opponent: He praises Space General as being very successful at succeeding. This dynamic between them is notably not present in the original, where he denigrates him as a coward who runs and hides.
  • You No Take Candle: "I feel that this child cans not handles. I distrust him."

    Space General 

Space General
"Sir, you came finally. I always at expect your come."
Originally called: General Grievous

A very deceitful, skillful former Hopeless Situation warrior who turned to the Black Influence, becoming a Big. He is quite obsessed with Ratio Tile, and tends to punish his robotic minions by feeding them dog.

  • Adaptational Badass: In the original movie, he was trained by The in lightsaber combat. Here, his dialogue hints that he was at one point a full-fledged Hopeless Situation Warrior! Text How Big also remarks that the Space General will always succeed to succeed, as opposed to the original line in which his counterpart disregarded the Space General as a coward who would run and hide.
  • Adaptational Nice Guy: Space General is also somewhat nicer to his underlings in this version (threats to feed them dog aside). When the Abruption Doctrine leaders question his ability to keep them safe, he begs them to believe him rather than threaten them as he did in the original work, and when it looks like Ratio and Gold will escape capture on his airship, he urges his troops to escape.
  • Affably Evil: Unlike Grievous, Space General's worst moment was a one-off time he threatened to feed dog to his troops after their failure. Other than that, he doesn't come across as that bad a guy; consistently polite even to his enemies and A Father to His Men.
  • Ambition Is Evil: He may be motivated by this, as he may be plotting to betray the leaders of the Abruption Doctrine and seize power for himself.
  • Bad Boss: He threatens to feed dog to his troops — who are robots.
    • Benevolent Boss: Aside from this, he seems to care for his men, twice taking on his enemies personally so that they have a chance to escape.
  • Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head: For all his menace, he sure as hell can't trashtalk: his response to Allah Gold insulting him is to call him a "smelly boy".
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: A fallen Hopeless Situation Warrior planning to betray his new Abrubtion Doctrine allies for his own gain. Lampshaded by Text How Big.
    Text How Big:"He's very deceitful!"
  • Crazy-Prepared: Apparently he anticipated that D would ask him to transfer his troops to "the wood method star", because he tells D "That has completed, my host" when he makes the suggestion. Of course, this might just be an example of how he's "very deceitful" and he lied about it to impress D.
  • Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: When Allah Gold and Ratio Tile escape, he orders his troopers to "batter to death them!"
  • Divide and Conquer: According to Speaker D, his plan is to "splits up the Doctrine Alliance leads."
  • Dragon Ascendant: Going by the above, he may be trying to do this.
  • Eating Machine: His Mooks might be this.
  • Evil Is Sexy: Seems to think this:
    "Beat, we are great and black influences."
  • A Father to His Men: Aside from a one-off threat to make his troops eat dog (which he almost certainly didn't intend to actually do), Space General is nothing but caring towards them. This is shown whenever a Hopeless Situation Warrior enters the fray. When Ratio Tile and Allah Gold get their lightsabers back, he holds them off to give his subordinates time to escape, knowing they're hopelessly outmatched. Later, when Ratio tracks him down, he insists on fighting him personally, and later runs off to draw him away from the troops.
  • Forgot About His Powers: Despite at one point being a Hopeless Situation Warrior, at no point does he use the Wish Power on Ratio Tile during their fight. Considering how close the battle was, it's not unreasonable to think he could have won outright if he had.
    • May be a Fridge Brilliance if you remember that in the original movies, one's ability to use The Force is directly related to the amount of Midi-chlorian one has in his/her body and Midi-chlorian can only survive within an organic host, and since Space General is probably about 95+% machine it's understandable that he can no longer use the Wish Power.
  • Forgotten Friend, New Foe: He may have once served alongside Ratio Tile, as he reveals that he was once in the latter's "Hopeless Situation encampment".
  • Heroic Sacrifice: He distracts and duels Ratio Tile so Ratio won't harm his minions could be seen as one, since he dies in that duel.
  • Know When to Fold 'Em: Considering he used to be one himself, Space General is well aware of how powerful Hopeless Situation Warriors are: as soon as Allah Gold and Ratio Tile get their lightsabers back, he decides getting his troops out alive is more important than recapturing The D.
    "Leave he! Run, quickly!"
  • Large Ham: His voice actor clearly has a lot of fun with the role in the dubbed version.
  • No-Nonsense Nemesis: He immediately orders his troops to kill Ratio Tile and Allah Gold when they infiltrate his airship, and as soon as he sees his elite guard go down he decides to get the men out of there.
  • Oh, Crap!: When Ratio and Allah Gold get their weapons back, he immediately orders his MagnaGuards to batter to death them, and when they go down he orders a hasty retreat for the rest of his forces.
  • Old Soldier: Refers to himself as an "old man", but is fully capable of taking on Ratio Tile.
  • Out-of-Character Moment: Inverted, in a way. His first onscreen interaction with his troops is when, in a moment of frustration, he threatens to feed them dog. The rest of the time, he's far more concerned for them.
  • Polite Villains, Rude Heroes: In contrast to his original incarnation, Space General is surprisingly polite, especially compared to his pottymouthed nemesis Ratio Tile.
  • The Starscream: Apparently, he is this to the leaders of the Abruption Doctrine.
  • Villain Respect: Seems to have a degree of this for Section Ratio, referring to him as "Sir" during their meeting on the airship and then, on the Pimping Mainland, complimenting him as a day of brave before commanding his troops to killed him.
  • Wild Card: D suggests that he is planning something against the leaders of the Abruption Doctrine, whom he is supposedly fighting for.

    Commanding Officer 

Commanding Officer
"Unfortunately of is great majority city all. On the pimping mainland in this area..."
Played by: Temuera Morrison (stock footage)
Originally called: Commander Cody

A Republic Troopseses officer who... well... holds the title of Commanding Officer for Section Ratio General's unit of Troopseses.

  • Blind Obedience: He immediately, and without question, complies with D The Superior's orders in killing off the Hopeless Situations, once their time runs out.
  • A Dog Named "Dog": An army commander named Commanding Officer.
  • Face–Heel Turn: Speaker D orders him to kill off the Hopeless Situation Warriors because time has run out. He immediately complies by having Ratio Tile, who is a Hopeless Situation, gunned down.
  • Mook Lieutenant: For Ratio Tile's Republic Troopseses, and later, one for Speaker D once the Hopeless Situations' time runs out.
  • Race Against the Clock: He was apparently working on a timetable to resolve Speaker D's conflict with the Hopeless Situation Warriors. Speaker D tells him "time is up" before ordering him to kill them off immediately.
  • Satellite Character: All of his scenes are him serving under Section Ratio General, and later, trying to have him killed under D The Superior's orders when "time is up".


R2 / Reach the Man / R2-D2
"Reach the man, beat it in the in-between eye."
Played by: Kenny Baker (stock footage)
Originally called: R2-D2

Allah Gold's foolish Robot Buddy. Despite his helpfulness, most people never really treat him with any respect. He may or may not be the same person as the former emperor of the West.

  • Adaptation Name Change: The sole aversion of this in the entire dub, at least when he isn't referred to as Reach The Man.
  • Ambiguously Evil: It's not clear if he really is the Emperor or if he just happens to have the same name.
  • Ambiguous Gender: He's usually referred to as male, but at one point in The Novelty Desire Blow the Skin calls him her wife.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Allah Gold twice instructs him to be "foolish", suggesting that he is good at pulling this off.
  • Official Couple: Is outright stated to be Blow The Skin's wife in The Novelty Desire.
  • One Steve Limit: Averted. Not only does R2 share his name with all the other astromech droids, he's also referred to as "Reach the Man", which is also the name of ... the original film's Darth Plagueis.
  • The Reach the Man Behind the Man: This translation suggests that R2 is a Sith Lord, given that both he and Darth Plagueis are referred to as "Reach the Man".
  • The Voiceless: Unlike most other characters, R2 gets to keep his "voice" from the film.
  • Younger and Hipper: Apparently. He and Blow the Skin are referred to as "childses" by Senator.


"Execuse me particularly reach the master."
Played by: Jimmy Smits (stock footage)
Originally called: Bail Organa

A, well, senator who takes Ratio Tile and Vanquish Is to Governor D's city, and also helps the latter leave the country afterwards. As thanks for his trouble, Blow the Skin is later offered to Senator as a wife.

  • Brutal Honesty: Tells Ratio Tile in the bluntest manner possible that most of his comrades have been killed.
  • Captain Obvious: Upon witnessing a young Hopeless Situation learner attempting to fight off a squad of troopseses, he shouts at the young Hopeless to run — after he'd already been shot dead.
  • A Dog Named "Dog": A senator named Senator.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": He's consistently addressed as merely "Senator".
  • Exotic Extended Marriage: While he proudly declares Blow the Skin to be his wife, he's shown with a human wife a little later, suggesting that human/droid Polyamory might be common on his planet.
  • Luke, I Am Your Father: Maybe. Blow The Skin calls R2 "my kid", while at the end of the film, Senator reveals that Blow the Skin "is [his] wife." It's perfectly possible that in this version of Star Wars, Bail Organa is the father of R2-D2.
  • Robosexual: Might be this, as he takes Blow the Skin as his wife. In fact, one could infer from his line "I will take the girl with the wife" that the only reason he even agrees to adopt See is so that he can get his hands on Blow the Skin as well.

    Blow the Skin 

Blow the Skin / C-3PO / I Occupy To Walk First / Professor Xu / Picard
"Where does he want to go? Do you must walk?"
Played by: Anthony Daniels (stock footage)
Originally called: C-3PO

A Fembot in the service of The Gets The Rice, and also the mother of Reach The Man. She is eventually given to Senator as a wife.



The / Drop / Master Pulling Augustine
"Even since you I seperate I has been hating you."
Played by: Christopher Lee (stock footage)
Originally called: Count Dooku

A big who has been hating Allah Gold for quite some time. He tries to kill Ratio The Tile and sacrifice Allah to Speaker D, but is himself defeated and executed by Gold.

  • But for Me, It Was Tuesday: Inverted. He says that he "has been hating" Allah Gold since their previous encounter, (in the previous movie in the real series), even though he spent most of that encounter fighting with Ratio Tile and then Vanquish Is.
  • Death Seeker: Ratio speculates that The was this:
    "The ever since that time willing to dies."
  • Human Sacrifice: He tries to have Allah Gold sacrificed
  • It's Personal: He and Allah Gold have a history, and it's clearly not a good one. According to The, he's hated Allah Gold ever since they last saw each other.
  • No-Nonsense Nemesis: Tells Allah Gold that he'll cut him up rough. Of course, in the end, it's he who gets cut up.
  • No Pronunciation Guide: Its not clear whether you're supposed to pronounce his name as The (i.e. The The) or The (i.e. The The).
  • Pre Ass Kicking One Liner: "You are a sacrifice article that I cut up rough now." It backfires.
  • Spell My Name with a "The": This version of Count Dooku is possibly the most triumphant example of this trope ever created, as he's simply renamed to "The" (although Ratio Tile also addresses him as "Drop" once).
  • Unexplained Recovery: According to the extended version of "The Final Hopeless Situation", he, somehow, survived his battle with Allah Gold and fled.
  • Villain Respect: Even though he says he "has been hating" Allah Gold, he still pronounces himself "surprised and pleased" to hear that Gold got a promotion (assuming he wasn't being sarcastic).
  • You Are What You Hate: He asks Ratio Tile to help him destroy the Big, despite being a Big himself.

    Ray Gun 

Nuts Gunray / Ray Gun / Mr. President

Played by: Silas Carson (stock footage)
Originally called: Nute Gunray

A war-hungry president allied with the West. He is responsible for the invasion of South Korea, and later joins the Abruption Doctrine. He is finally killed by South Host once he outlives his usefulness.

  • Badass Boast: "I do not know failure."
  • Card-Carrying Villain: He states that "invasion is my primary calendar."
  • Embarrassing Nickname: "Nuts" Gunray isn't likely to strike fear into the heart of the enemy.
  • Must Have Lots of Free Time: The Plum Of implies that he is invading her home country out of boredom.
  • President Evil: Very much so.
  • Take That!: An evil president named Ray Gun? Hmmm... (Of course, the original character has been speculated to be a pisstake at Reagan ever since The Phantom Menace came out, but it's never been quite this blatant.)
  • Underestimating Badassery: In Ghost The Threat, he tells the captain of the Battle Droids who land on South Korea "be careful. As a Jedi is worthless." This despite having seen the aforementioned Jedi hacking down droves of droids (except for droidekas) on his ship.

    Reaching The West Of Reaches 

Reaching The West Of Reaches / South Host / Dark World / Lord Vader / Darth Bader / Reach The West / Darth Vidal
"Impossible. I can feel she return on the hoof."
Played by: Hayden Christensen, David Prowse (stock footage)
Voiced by: Tom Schalk
Originally called: Darth Vader

A new persona taken up by The Peaceful Is Willing To after he becomes Dark World. He plans to overthrow D the Superior and take his Empire Of The First Choice for himself. Is also famous for not wanting.

  • Defiant to the End: Tells Ratio Tile that he'll ruin him even as he lies on the ground wincing in pain from potentally lethal injuries.
  • I'll Kill You!: Manages to combine this with Never Say "Die" when he screams that he'll ruin Ratio Tile.
  • Malicious Misnaming: Refers to Kunnic as a mere secretary to show how lowly he regards him.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: His full name, "Reaching The West Of Reaches", is only ever said once by The Pudding in the entire series. The rest of the time it's shortened to "Reaches" or "Reach The West" or another name entirely.
  • Pulled from Your Day Off: The Rebels just had to attack the Second Station Vagon during his first day of vacation.
  • Sincerest Form of Flattery: Believes this. "If you are us, we will be honored."
  • Surprise Incest: He was apparently in a relationship with Leah long before he found out that he was her father.

    Drag Along 

Drag Along / Vaca / Tsui / Chui / Baca / Chewie
"I will miss your."
Played by: Peter Mayhew (stock footage)
Originally called: Chewbacca

An alien warrior serving under Particularly Reach the Master. He helps the Hopeless Situation Master get to an airship so he can leave the planet and combat The D.

    Captain Antilles 

Captain Antilles / This With In

Originally called: Captain Antilles

    Gospel of Luke 

Gospel of Luke / See Me / The Main Road / Master Gospel Gospel / Luke Skywalker / Samurai Master Lucas Godwalker

Played by: Aidan Barton (baby), Mark Hamill (adult) (stock footage)
Originally called: Luke Skywalker

The son of Allah Gold and The Plum Of, twin brother of Bong Day (aka See). He was separated from his sister as a baby and raised in Africa, hidden from Reaching the West of Reaches.

  • Asexual: Possibly (although likely not Aromantic since he finds Leah attractive). His line "I cannot like her as needed" implies that he either cannot or is unconfortable with the idea of participating in some forms of a relationship with Eyebrows/Swiss.
  • Authority in Name Only: Is referred to as "Mr. President", despite only being a farmworker.
  • Catchphrase: Says "Do not want" more than any other character. Given that both of his parents said it in Backstroke of the West, it might actually be hereditary.
  • Dead All Along: Leah tells him that he died when she was very young.
  • Dub Name Change: Luke's name was apparently misinterpreted by the translator as "look" (in the way that a person might say "look at me!"), resulting in the name he has in Backstroke of the West.
  • Eunuchs Are Evil: A subversion. He lacks a package, which he envies Thoreau for. However he is always on the side of the Rebellion. His worst moment is refusing to train Swiss or help her redeem Kellogg, and even then he relents and uses the Wish Power to project himself on Crait to distract Kellogg so the Resistance can escape.
  • Love at First Sight: As in the original film, he has this for Leah. It's taken even further here, though. (Mind you, they are still siblings...).
    Gospel of Luke: Who is she? She is very sex appeal.
    • He may also have feelings for Eyebrows/Swiss, given that his immediate reaction to meeting her is calling her his wife. It's also possible that he believes Swiss has feelings for him, but he cannot return them.
    Gospel Of Luke: I cannot like her as needed.
  • Raised as the Opposite Gender: He was raised as a boy up until adulthood, despite his lack of male genitalia. Hopeless Situation Return reveals that he's always been a girl.
  • Theme Twin Naming: His original name is See Me, and his sister's is See.

    Bong Day 

Bong Day / See / Princess Leah / Princess Leia / Liya / Elijah / The Imperial Senate

Played by: Aidan Barton (baby), Carrie Fisher (adult) (stock footage)
Originally called: Leia Organa

The daughter of Allah Gold and The Plum Of, twin sister of Gospel of Luke (aka See Me). She was separated from her brother as a baby and adopted by Senator to hide her from Reaching the West of Reaches.

  • Actually a Doombot: During the escape from the First Order's boats, she says this time she was a robot, implying she left a decoy to trick the First Order into believing she perished with the base.
  • Adaptational Villainy: Is now a "black imperial agent fuck" who has been spying on the Rebellion.
  • Dub Name Change: As her brother's name was misinterpreted as "look" by the translator of Backstroke of the West, her name seems to have been misinterpreted as "leer".
  • Happily Adopted: See gets adopted by Senator, although it's left a little ambiguous as to whether he just agreed to this so that Blow the Skin would be thrown in as well.
  • Heel–Face Turn: In The Novelty Desire, despite starting off as an Imperial agent, she winds up joining the Rebellion out of mistreatment by Reach the West.
  • Honey Trap: Implied to be her main modus operandi, with her being a "black imperial agent fuck" and all.
  • I Am the Noun: Claims to be the Imperial Senate, rather than just a member of it. (Ironic, given that the opposite thing happened to one of Palpatine/The D's lines.)
  • Mistreatment-Induced Betrayal: Why she properly joins the Rebellion.
  • Raised as the Opposite Gender: She's portrayed as a princess all throughout the series even after Hopeless Situation Return reveals she's actually male.
  • Theme Twin Naming: Her original name is See, and her brother's is See Me.

    Uncle Owen 

Uncle Owen

Played by: Joel Edgerton, Phil Brown (stock footage)
Originally called: Owen Lars

  • Extreme Omnivore: Despite his claims of needing a translator, he says he only bought Blow the Skin and R2 so he could eat them.


Governor Darkin / Tarkin

Played by: Peter Cushing (stock footage)
Originally called: Wilhuff Tarkin

  • Meta Guy: He seems to have a high level of Medium Awareness. In The Novelty Desire he points out that the argument his allies are having on the Station Wagon makes no sense. In Reply is Minus he invokes Pandering to the Base by explaining to another character that a particular plot development was done to "give audience the treat".
  • Poke the Poodle: He announces during a meeting that he's making threatening phone calls to local systems.

    Aunt Voru 

Aunt Voru / Aunt Sefrou

Played by: Bonnie Piesse, Shelagh Fraser (stock footage)
Originally called: Beru Lars

    Reach The Man 

Reach The Man / Reaching the Man Cloth Space / The Emperor

Originally called: Darth Plagueis

A strong and big Emperor who could come back from the brink of death and create life using the original dint. He was supposedly killed by his land at least once, but he might still be out there somewhere.

  • The Emperor: Is said to have held this title.
  • Evil Is Bigger: Speaker D said he was big.
  • Gaia's Vengeance: One possible interpretation of D's claims that Reach the Man was killed by "his land". Presumably, this is due to him creating life.
  • The Ghost: As in the original, he does not appear onscreen. (Unless R2 really is him...)
  • The Insomniac: He apparently had to be killed by his land before he could go to bed. Could also be an example of The Sleepless.
  • Mercy Kill: Possibly. Speaker D claims that Reach the Man was killed by his land so he could go to bed.
  • The Strength of Ten Men: D compares his Black Influence understanding to that of "Many Supermans".
  • Unexplained Recovery: He apparently lost his power and died at some point, somehow got better, and then was killed a second time so that he could go to bed. It's possible that he is alive yet again now, since the D refers to him in present tense. Though Allah Gold did say that he could "come back from the brink of death."

    The Good Elephant 

The Good Elephant

Originally called: Not in original film.

A mysterious figure connected with the Hopeless Situation, mentioned several times but never seen. Knows how to fly airships. Could be some sort of spirit animal for the Presbyterian Church. May be owned by The Plum Of (Allah Gold talks to her about "your elephant"). Might have had some involvement with the fair that happened the day before the film started.

  • Canon Foreigner: Introduced into the story thanks to a translation glitch in the subtitles.Explanation 
  • Dung Fu: Seems to be skilled in this.
    Allah Gold: The Good Elephant in airship dropped what things?
  • Face–Heel Turn: He's mentioned in The Novelty Desire by Mr. Thoreau as working for the Empire. Although, he doesn't seem to have changed otherwise.
  • The Ghost: Allah Gold, Ratio Tile and D all talk about the Good Elephant, but we never actually see him.
  • Honorable Elephant: Very much regarded this way.
  • War Elephants: With the twist of being involved in airship combat.
  • You Killed My Father: After turning to the Dark World, Allah Gold suggests the Good Elephant caused his mother's death.
    Allah Gold: I can't lose again. Your elephant loses my mother so.
    • Maybe he assigned the elephant to guard his mother, but he failed to protect her?

Characters Introduced In The Novelty Desire

    Mr. Thoreau 

Mr. Luck Thoreau

Played by: Harrison Ford (stock footage)
Originally called: Han Solo

Captain of the Falcon Millennium, a boastful starship pilot hired by Ratio Tile to transport himself, Gospel and the robots to Alderaan. His copilot is Drag Along.

  • Awesome Mc Coolname: "Luck Thoreau" could qualify.
  • Busman's Holiday: His vacation on Hose is disrupted when the Empire invades.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Sarcastically asks an unconscious Gospel of Luke for an autograph while rescuing him in The Counterattack Collection
  • Hollywood Atheist: Refers to Luke as "Gospel crazy" to Drag Along.
    • Possibly subverted in Flies Are A Sober Force, where he proclaims his knowledge of the Gospel.
  • Last-Name Basis: No one ever calls him by his first name, even after he reveals it in The Novelty Desire.
  • Odd Friendship: May have one with Snooker/Snoopy, given the fact that he urges his son to trust the former, however he also tells him that Snoopy is abusing his power
  • Took a Level in Jerkass: In The Counterattack Collection. He is completely indifferent to the rebels' cause, preferring to take a vacation instead of helping them with the war effort. He also acts disgusted by Bong Day and taunts her in the hallway. On board the Falcon, he also threatens to have Blow the Skin terminated if he doesn't shut up. He even calls himself a villain to Bong Day when they're on the Falcon.

    General Dodonna 

General Dodonna

Played by: Alex McCrindle (stock footage)
Originally called: General Dodonna



Played by: Denis Lawson (stock footage)
Originally called: Wedge Antilles



Originally called: R5-D4


Biggs / Bix

Played by: Garrick Hagon (stock footage)
Originally called: Biggs Darklighter

    Red Leader 

Red Leader

Played by: Drewe Henley (stock footage)
Originally called: Garven Dreis



Played by: Angus MacInnes (stock footage)
Originally called: Dutch Vander

  • Name's the Same: Gold Leader is called Jinling, as is someone from Hopeless Situation Return who's told to reproduce.


Java 7 / Java 5

Originally called: Jabba the Hutt

    General Tagge 

General Tagge

Played by: Don Henderson (stock footage)
Originally called: General Tagge

    Admiral Motti 

Admiral Motti

Played by: Richard LeParmentier (stock footage)
Originally called: Admiral Motti



Originally called: Greedo

Characters Introduced In The Counterattack Collection and Hopeless Situation Return

    Lang California 

Lang California / Carly

Played by: Billy Dee Williams (stock footage)
Originally called: Lando Calrissian

    The Pets 

Django Pets / Taunus and his son

Played by: Temeura Morrison and Daniel Logan (stock footage)
Originally called: Jango Fett and Boba Fett

  • Awesomeness by Analysis: His ability to "note" allows him to navigate an asteroid field.
  • Boxed Crook: Ratio Tile tries to make him go along with a scheme against Obi-Wan, which involves getting close to him for weeks. The conversation then turns to details about his previous job, suggesting Ratio Tile is trying to blackmail him with that information.
  • No Respect Guy: Django isn't well-thought of by the Caminoans, who disparagingly refer to him as a "so-called bounty hunter." What we see of his fighting ability sharply contradicts this.



Played by: Michael Sheard (stock footage)
Originally called: Admiral Kendal Ozzel

  • Adaptational Dumbass: Somehow accomplishes this by taking the entire Imperial Fleet into a time travel joyride to the future while they're supposed to hunt down the Rebels. To the absolute surprise of no one, this gets him killed by Reach The West. At least the original Ozzel's mistake could be taken as mere clumsiness rather than outright idiocy.
  • Skewed Priorities: Takes the whole Navy to the future instead of doing his job.
  • Too Dumb to Live: As said above, he was just asking for Reach The West to kill him with all his shenanigans.

    Lord Vader 

Lord Vader

Played by: Michael Pennington (stock footage)
Originally called: Moff Jerjerrod



Originally called: EV-9D9

  • Villainous Crush: Expresses awe at Blow the Skin's looks. He even demands her to join his jazz band.

Characters Introduced In Ghost The Threat and The Duplicate Offensive



Played by: Liam Neeson (stock footage)
Originally called: Qui-Gon Jinn

A Hopeless Situation Master sent from Earth to deal with the crises on South Korea. Is also Ratio Tile's teacher, and the one to discover The Peaceful Is Willing To's potential. He is unfortunately killed by The Main West at the end of Ghost The Threat, but it's later implied that he has managed to live on in "another world".

  • Ambadassador: He and Ratio Tile are the best ones there are, in his own humble opinion.
  • Dub Name Change: A notable aversion. He's only referred to by his real name from the movie.
  • Handicapped Badass: He reveals to Allah Gold at dinner that he's blind.
  • Jive Turkey: Uses this to talk down to Bottle when they first meet up.
    "I said. You do not intelligent the speak."
  • Misery Builds Character: He believes it, claiming that "Hurt provide benefits to us."
  • Named by the Adaptation: Zig Zagged Trope. Backstroke of the West literally cut out the only mention of his name, leading to Ratio Tile mouthing it silently in the dub. The fan prequel Ghost The Threat restores his original name.
  • Napoleon Delusion: Downplayed Trope. He briefly believes himself to be the queen (of South Korea, presumably) after running and then having a big sword fight in the middle of the hot desert, but he gets over it before he has time to mention it to anyone.
  • Skewed Priorities: Takes a detour from an important mission just to get a tattoo.
  • Teacher/Student Romance: Is implied to have had one with Ratio Tile. At the very least, he taught him the art of fucking (and possibly swearing, too). It might also have been what Ratio meant when he said that he "did" Allah Gold's teacher during the latter's youth.
  • Tomato in the Mirror: While in Africa, he realizes that he is a "MIDI chlorian".


Bottle / Soldiers Augsburg

Played by: Ahmed Best (stock footage)
Originally called: Jar Jar Binks

    Climbing nak 

Climbing nak

Played by: Hugh Quarshie (stock footage)
Originally called: Captain Panaka

  • Captain Obvious: When Ray Gun plans to invade South Korea and cuts off all external communication, he tells The Plum Of "This is a situation, Your Highness."
  • Fan Nickname: He is never named on screen in KnifeOfPi2's compilation. The name "Climbing nak" comes from this Reddit Thread.

    Mother of Gold 

Mother of Gold

Played by: Pernilla August (stock footage)
Originally called: Shmi Skywalker

  • I Have No Son!: Inverted. Her son disowns her when he leaves Africa, saying "I have no mother. I promise." This is partly because she's ashamed of him for winning the Ford race.



Originally called: Sebulba

An alien Ford Racer pilot and one of The Peaceful Is Willing To's biggest rivals. He seems to be quite a Jerkass.

    The Main West 

The Main West / God Hammer

Played By: Ray Park (stock footage)
Originally called: Darth Maul

A Big sent to Africa by the West Emperor to hunt down the Plum Of and the two Hopeless Situations protecting her. Later, he partakes in the battle of South Korea, where he kills Qui-Gon and seemingly dies by Ratio Tile's hand.

    Las Vegas Cliegg 

Las Vegas Cliegg

Played by: Jack Thompson (stock footage)
Originally called: Cliegg Lars



Originally called: Dexter Jettster



Originally called: Sifo-Dyas

  • Adaptation Name Change: Possibly the most bewildering one in the whole series.
  • The Ghost: Obviously, given that he was a Posthumous Character in the real movie.
  • Name's the Same: Don't confuse him with Ratio Tile, who was called Obi-Wan in the original franchise. He's a different character.
  • Spared by the Adaptation: He is still alive in this version, as Ratio Tile orders Django to get close to him over the next few weeks. This never goes anywhere, as Django won't follow his script and makes a run for it with his son.

Characters Introduced In Flies Are A Sober Force and The Final Hopeless Situation


Eyebrows / Swiss / Wait

Played by: Daisy Ridley (stock footage)
Originally called: Rey

    Feet of People 

Feet of People / Pin / Finland / Needle

Played by: John Boyega (stock footage)
Originally called: Finn



Played by: Oscar Isaac (stock footage)
Originally called: Poe Dameron



Originally called: BB-8



Played by: Kelly Marie Tran (stock footage)
Originally called: Rose Tico

    Thoreau Jr. 

Thoreau Jr./Kellogg/Classes/Bansoro

Played by: Adam Driver (stock footage)
Originally called: Kylo Ren

  • Adaptational Wimp: Kylo in canon is a moderately trained lightsaber wielder and only lost to Rey due to outside factors crippling him; Kellogg lost to Swiss even though she never grabbed a lightsaber, simply by hitting himself with his own lightsaber.
  • Bi the Way: Casually reveals after his second fight with Swiss that he'll reccomend a breakup with Hux.
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: He's Gospel's nephew and Reach The West's grandson, so of course he gets to drop at least one "Do not want!" in "The Final Hopeless Situation".
  • Brutal Honesty: Tells Wait through their Wish Power Bond that her parents abandoned her way earlier than he does in canon.
  • Cannot Talk to Women: Although, in his own words, he has heard a lot about them.
  • Death Seeker: He abruptly tells Eyebrows that she has to kill him during her interrogation.
  • Epic Fail: He lost to Swiss not because she beat him in a lightsaber duel, but because he beat himself with his own lightsaber and knocked himself unconscious.
  • Evil Eyebrows: His are noticeable enough that Supreme Readers Snooker points them out.
  • Invisibility: Might have this, as Eyebrows comments to Gospel that his body is no longer visible.
  • Just Following Orders: Tells Mr. Thoreau that he was assigned, however he also states he wants the pain of freedom.
  • Shipper on Deck: After being berated by Snooker for losing to Swiss via hitting himself with his own sword and then destroying his helmet, he claims that "he's ready to ship", meaning it's either this trope or he also works at a delivery company.
  • The Unintelligible: Just like in the original film, Marry/Poe has a hard time understanding him. Ironically, he now mentions this in a completely different sentence.

    Supreme Readers Snooker 

Supreme Readers Snooker / Snoopy / Snooker Supremo

Played by: Andy Serkis (stock footage)
Originally called: Supreme Leader Snoke

    General Hux 

General Hux

Played by: Domhnall Gleeson (stock footage)
Originally called: General Hux

Characters Introduced In Grand Theft Auto

    Piano Prince 

Piano Prince

Played by: Felicity Jones (stock footage)
Originally called: Jyn Erso

    Quincy Kunnick 

Quincy Kunnick

Played by: Ben Mendelsohn (stock footage)
Originally called: Orson Krennic

  • Adaptational Nationality: Quincy is apparently Australian, as he's mentioned as being the secretary of Queensland. He also uses some Australian vernacular. Fittingly, he's played by an Australian actor.
  • Cut Lex Luthor a Check: Wants to use the Dead Star to destroy... a satellite.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Claims to want to bring peace and security to the Milky Way.

    Old K 

Old K

Played by: CGI (stock footage)
Originally called: K-2S0

     Bodhi Luke 

Bodhi Luke

Played by: Riz Ahmed (stock footage)
Originally called: Bodhi Rook

     Xi Lu Yingwei 

Xi Lu Yingwei

Played by: Donnie Yen (stock footage)
Originally called: Chirrut Imwe

Characters introduced in Ranger Soro

     Baker Beckett 

Baker Beckett

Played by: Woody Harrelson (stock footage)
Originally called: Tobias Beckett

Characters Introduced In Reply is minus


  • The Alcoholic: Thinks Kanan is this and almost calls Alcohoic Anonymous to treat him.
  • Face–Heel Turn: According to a Hopeless Situation Temple Guard he will stop being a Christian and start worshipping the devil in the future
  • The Immigrant: Wants to go to the United States.
  • Hidden Depths: He's a good dancer, also he has a worshipper who believes him to be divine.
  • Precocious Crush: Has one on Chicken Jarrus and even wants to fuck him.
  • Skewed Priorities: Hanging from a cliff doesn't stop him from trying to paint the rocks, also in spite of looking for advice from Vanquish Is, he also asks him if it is wrong to bathe in the Hopeless Situation.
  • The Slacker: He's one until he decides to work in a planet in "Dark Envelope", he's stopped from this by the Inquisition from the Empire of the First Choice.

     Chicken Jarrus 

Alternative Title(s): The Star War Gatherings


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