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Characters / The Star War Gatherings

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Characters from Backstroke of the West, The Novelty Desire, The Counterattack Collection, and their Fan Sequels The Star War Gatherings.

Characters Introduced in Backstroke of the West

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    Allah Gold 

Allah Gold / Allah Skywalker / The Peaceful Is Willing To / A line / Line / Roy / E Nano Gold
"Only guarantee my cuckoldry the safety."
Played by: Jake Lloyd, Hayden Christensen (stock footage)
Originally called: Anakin Skywalker

A Young Hopeless Situation Warrior with great ambitions. Being unwilling to do a mediocre hopeless, he is deeply involved in the Presbyterian Church's war politics, though it's unclear whether he wants the war to continue or not.

  • Achey Scars: He has one, and in The Duplicate Offensive he asks The Plum Of not to kiss it.
  • Almighty Janitor: Apparently, being a mere private makes him eligible to become an Elder.
  • Ambadassador: He's a Hopeless Situation Warrior, and is also involved in some kind of peace negotiations.
  • Amoral Afrikaner: Possibly. The guy's a morally ambiguous Caucasian soldier who's said to have been born in Africa, but it's never mentioned which specific country he comes from, presumably Tunisia.
  • Anthropomorphic Personification: He's "the relation of long peace." The Hopeless Situation Parliament does not like him because of this, and punish him by denying him the title.
  • Answers to the Name of God: When you have "Allah" as your first name, this trope is pretty much unavoidable.
  • Artificial Human: He briefly mentions that he was just made by the Presbyterian Church (the sentence ends there) to Ratio Tile.
  • Artistic License – Religion: Although his name is Allah, he is appointed to the Presbyterian Church.
  • The Atoner: This may be the reasoning for his interest in restoring peace, assuming The Plum Of was right and the war really WAS caused by a mistake he made.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: "Allah Gold" definitely qualifies.
  • Badass Bureaucrat: Possibly. He's involved in many fights during his time as a Hopeless Situation warrior, and an offhand remark about him in Reply Is Minus implies he held a government job.
    Ahsoka: "Haste, I was the last time I saw him, he was the Chancellor of the Exchequer, was saved."
  • Bad is Good and Good is Bad: He believes that "Heroes is just bad person," which might have influenced his Face–Heel Turn.
  • Blue-and-Orange Morality: Even before turning to the Black Influence, Gold has second thoughts about killing The because "he is not just a prisoner" — implying that killing him in cold blood would've been no problem if he had been a mere prisoner.
  • Boomerang Bigot: Describes the Plum Of as an "unknown white" despite himself being white.
  • Bratty Half-Pint: He was one as a child, outright telling Kui Tribute that he wanted to be a problem.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: Referring to The Plum Of's japor snippet, Allah says he remembers the scene he gave it to her in.
  • Captain Oblivious: When he isn't pointing out the blatantly obvious, he is mostly just asking people what's happening and why.
  • Casual Kink: Suddenly asks Pair of Lady Microphone "If I want a lot of pain, please tell me."
  • Combat Sadomasochist: Apparently his killing off of the Hopeless Situation Warriors in their temples causes him to get "at full cock", as noted by D The Superior.
  • Death Seeker: Claims to be looking for a way to die. Given many of his beliefs and decisions through the film, this explains a thing or two.
  • Doublethink: He simultaneously wants to start more wars (in order to end war) and is also involved in peace negotiations. He doesn't seem to think there's any contradiction there. Maybe he simply wants the war to end and is willing to do anything to achieve that, whether it's diplomacy (peace negotiations) or force (start more wars).
  • Do Wrong, Right: Seems annoyed that the war has not done a good job of disrupting the Republic. This might have been his mission all along.
  • Dumb Muscle: According to The D, he doesn't even know basic geometry, as he has to "study the square" — and yet he still manages to destroy Hopeless Situation Warriors.
  • Easy Amnesia: In The Duplicate Offensive, he suddenly forgets who he and Ratio Tile are. He gets better later with no explanation.
  • Give Him a Normal Life: He evidently doesn't want his child growing up to be a Hopeless Situation Warrior, even assuring The Plum Of that he won't need the child's help.
  • Hates Being Touched: He begs The Plum Of to not kiss his scar, and flies into a rage when thinking about the time Ratio Tile hugged him.
  • Immediate Self-Contradiction: He has a habit of doing this.
    "The R2 came right away, in a moment."
    "I do not need the child's help. Our baby blesses god'sly."
    "Let me enter the parliament. Do not let me."
  • Law of Disproportionate Response: Whereas in the original film Anakin was motivated via a premonition of Padme dying in childbirth, here the premonition seems to instead depict The Plum Of being upset that their child was abducted shortly after birth, making Allah Gold's decision to turn to the Dark World even more disproportionate than it was originally.
  • Meaningful Name: His name is The Peaceful Is Willing To and he seems to be involved in some kind of peace negotiations and at the same time, seems to be willing to start more wars in order to ''end'' the war.
  • My God, What Have I Done?: Has a moment after helping The D kill Text How Big.
    "I did what"
  • Not Big Enough for the Two of Us: When confronted by Ratio Tile at the end.
    Ratio Tile: Let me killing your and?!?
    Allah Gold: [coldly] Is not your new empire.
  • Plant Person: He thanks Ratio Tile for cultivating him after revealing that he is an Artificial Human.
  • Religious and Mythological Theme Naming: Allah Gold later has a son actually a daughter named Gospel of Luke.
  • Start X to Stop X: He wants to start more wars in order to end the war.
  • That Came Out Wrong: Several times. He instantly corrects The Plum Of's assumption that he was talking about some kind of bondage in his declaration of love, and later says "I do not need the child's help", quickly adding that the baby "blesses god'sly".

    Ratio Tile 

Ratio Tile / The Willing to Compares / Ratio Prosperous / Card Ratio / Section Ratio General / The Section pulIs the Ratio / The compares the willing to Ratio / European Wan / Old Ben / Wan Kenobi / Obi-Wan Kenobi / The Kenobi / This / Austria Wang Wan Kenobi / Values Include
"He the my brothers in elephant is similar. I can not do it."
Played by: Ewan McGregor, Alec Guinness (stock footage)
Originally called: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Allah Gold's perverted and foul-mouthed teacher. He is not as politically minded as his student, though he is still very loyal to the Presbyterian Church. He may or may not be undead, and he may or may not be having an affair with The Plum Of.

  • Anything That Moves: Ratio repeatedly states his desire to have sex with Allah Gold and states that he can have it with somebody's wife if he needs to.
  • Adaptational Villainy: Ratio is still a benevolent character who tries to aid Allah Gold, but he is now also a sexual maniac and a faithful member of a racist, warmongering organization. In The Duplicate Offensive, he ominously states he'll pin the blame for the assassination attempts on someone's wife, and attempts to rope an unwilling Django into a scheme against Obi-Wan. Not an improvement over how evil the Presbyterian Church in general seems to be.
  • Anguished Declaration of Love: Possibly when Allah Gold/The Peaceful Is Willing To says that he will ruin him, where he responds with this.
    "The Peaceful Is Willing To, you the past is my brothers, what I love is you!"
  • Born in the Wrong Century: Vanquish Is thinks so, at least. Considering Tile is a zombie, this might imply a lot of time passed between his death and his resurrection.
  • Camera Fiend: Implied. Ratio Tile claims to be in whole photographing, possibly for erotic purposes given his penchants.
  • Change the Uncomfortable Subject: In recapping the meeting that Allah Gold missed, he starts out sheepishly talking about how "the combat report of the other warrior" mentioned his own depravity, then totally drops it and starts going into stuff about the war and the parliament.
  • Complaining About Rescues They Don't Like: His only reaction to both Allah Gold and R2's efforts to save him from the Airship Robots is to say "Good kind of" to both them.
  • Deadpan Snarker: He has his moments, like after the impressive crash-landing that smashed Lemon Avenue into rubble and nearly killed him, his apprentice and the supreme leader of the Gram Republic: he snarks that nobody is there to greet them.
  • Easy Sex Change: Possibly. He is a man, but his period arrives during his fight with Allah Gold. Ghost the Threat supports this by having Qui-Gon mention his "transition".
  • Growing Up Sucks: Ratio the Tile comments "I was old" after Allah Gold uses his powers to jump out of an elevator. He might be referring to his life before coming back as a zombie.
  • Handicapped Badass: He claims to be this, though he shows no signs of being handicapped. If he really is disabled, his disability doesn't prevent him from performing any of his badass deeds from the original film.
  • Heel Realization: He is surprised to discover during a briefing that he is apparently depraved (something that had always been obvious to the audience, though.)
  • Heroic Self-Deprecation: Even though he displays great physical agility, he refers to himself as "disabled person".
  • Honor Before Reason: When Allah Gold says that Ratio Tile owes him seven times, Ratio reminds him that it's actually nine times, though the preceding events don't count for some reason.
  • I Have Many Names: His name is translated in more different ways than any other character.
  • Large Ham: Has his moments.
    "But is I to republic with DEMOCRATIC AND LOYAL TO!"
  • Lovable Sex Maniac: He seems to be a honorable, heroic being, but he has a serious problem with sex, to the point he talks about it constantly, is into erotic photo as a hobby and has illegitimate children all around.
  • Major Injury Underreaction: Of a mechanical sort. When the Airship Robots start tearing his airship apart, he merely grumbles about how bothersome they're being.
  • Mr. Vice Guy: He's a depraved and foul-mouthed guy who nonetheless believes the best of people.
    "Everybody is good."
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Not counting his personality quirks, he's apparently a transexual zombie Hopeless Situation Warrior.
  • No Periods, Period: Possibly averted, at least if this assertion by The Peaceful is Willing To is to be believed:
    "Your dead period arrived, teacher"
    • Alternatively, he could mean it in the sense it's his period of being dead, which would basically mean "It's time to die."
  • Obliviously Evil: He's very surprised upon being informed that he's apparently depraved.
  • Our Zombies Are Different: It turns out that, despite showing no signs of it, he is a zombie or some kind of lich, as revealed when Space General mentions that he died to settle an unspecified struggle. Alternatively, Ratio Tile might be actually Reach the Man's disciple, and as a result can use the Original Dint to come back from the brink of death.
  • Really Gets Around: In The Duplicate Offensive, Lama Su asks him if he's "Otherwise, the leading member of the Presbyterian Church fuck?" However, it's not until Backstroke of the West that he realizes just how depraved he is.
  • Related in the Adaptation: He now seems to be the father of the "pathetic people." Considering he is some kind of unholy being yet has sex with everybody, it's pretty understandable that he has a lot of children who don't carry the best genetics.
  • Rousseau Was Right: He believes that everybody is good.
  • Screw Yourself: His claim that he "did [Allah Gold's] teacher" becomes disturbing, considering he's apparently describing himself. This implies he's a sex addict, so much that he does himself whenever he cannot find a suitable partner.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Is responsible for all four of the movie's Precision F-Strikes.
  • Skewed Priorities: He has a real problem with this.
    • Despite needing R2 to activate the elevator, his first priority is to find out if he "is fucking?"
    • Instead of being relieved not to have died when Space General's airship nearly crashes, Ratio Tile complains that "the nobody greets" when they land. Could just be an example of dry post-danger wit.
    • His first action in the wake of the massacre at the Hopeless Situation temple is to change the password on some random piece of equipment.
    • When being told that The Plum Of is dying, Ratio Tile is only worried with whether she'll die quickly or not. Though this could be out of concern, as she's clearly suffering.
  • Spell My Name with a "The": While being rescued in The Novelty Desire, Princess Leah calls him "The Kenobi."
  • The Strength of Ten Men: He claims to fight with the strength of a dozen during his final fight with Reach the West.
  • Time Travel: He's been able to escape by jumping to a day after the fair.
  • Token Good Teammate: The Hopeless Situation Warriors are evil in this continuity, but Ratio Tile seems to be a well-meant guy who cares for Allah Gold, even if he's a bit sex-crazy.
  • Troll: Uses his Hopeless Situation Mind Trick to make a ST ER ORMTROOP say "They can not robots we do fuck."
  • Unexplained Recovery: According to Space General, he has already died. This does nothing to slow him down.

    D the Superior 

D the Superior / The D / The Pudding / Dark Improbity / Merkel / Map / Jehovah the West Four / Paul / Pa El Pattinson / Mahler T / Parkinase
"You are already at full cock now. Spread all over the place, the empire."
Played by: Ian McDiarmid (stock footage)
Voiced by: Benjamin Norman Pierce
Originally called: Sheev Palpatine

The Supreme leader of the Gram Republic, and secretly the West Emperor of the Dark World as well. He has a fondness of constantly giving himself new titles, and is also a notorious Dirty Old Man, which the Hopeless Situation Parliament plans to exploit in order to usurp him.

  • Adaptational Nice Guy: Revenge of the Sith heavily implied that Palpatine was the apprentice who murdered Darth Plagueis; here, Reach the Man was killed by his land, not by The D. It's also said that the war wasn't started by him, but by Allah Gold, meaning that The D might genuinely be a Well-Intentioned Extremist doing what he feels is necessary to end the conflict. However, it's still undeniable that he's not a good person: he causes the destruction of the Hopeless Situation Warriors, and he's every bit as ambitious and power-hungry as Palpatine, wanting to be aller strong and big than anyone.
  • Adaptational Sexuality: Implied to be gay. He never shows any sexual interest in women and the Presbyterian Church specifically sends a handsome young man to seduce him. In The Counterattack Collection, he tells Lord Bader "I need a new man." The way he describes Emperor Reach The Man is also rather homoerotic.
    "He is so strong and big."
  • Ambition Is Evil: Just like his original incarnation, and perhaps even more so. Instead of complimenting Allah Gold's power before his fight with Vanquish Is, he crows that he will be "aller strong and big than anyone."
  • Anti-Villain: He orders the massacre of the Hopeless Situation Warriors, but he actually has a lot of reasons to act against them: they were openly racist towards him for being from the West, to the point they tried to compromise his career by a Honey Trap, and according to him it was one of them, Allah Gold, who started the war, possibly on their orders. In general, he comes off rather as a Noble Demon who was left simply no other option.
  • Badass Boast: His address to the parliament after his assassination attempt:
    "Want to assassinate my person, to leave the scar became me disable and sick. However my power has always been. to have no like. For insuring the future safety with prospers . . . the Republic organizes afresh, become THE EMPIRE OF THE FIRST CHOICE! This is for the sake of a more safe the society . . ."
  • Bad Guys Play Pool: He admits to playing billiards in The Emergence of the Weather by the Rows.
  • Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head: In Hopeless Situation Return, The D calls Gospel a "Baby idiot" before he attacks him.
  • The Bully: Apparently, his motivations were to "bully and decieve death."
  • Cloud Cuckoolander: While all of the characters can come off as this thanks to the incomprehensible dialogue they all bring to the table, the Ice-Cream Koan D uses to describe the Dark World is so utterly bizarre that Allah Gold can only respond with a stunned "You say what?"
  • Corrupt Corporate Executive: Describes the Dark Force Face as a company when talking to Kellog in The Emergence of the Weather by the Rows.
    "Dark Force Face This is a company."
  • Dirty Old Man: He's apparently notorious for being this, as the Hopeless Situation Presbyterian orders Allah Gold to spy on him in order to learn more about his sex life. However, The D instead seduces Gold into having an affair with him, and casually dishes out lewd comments such as informing Gold (then Reaching the West of Reaches) he is "at full cock" and urging him to "spread all over the place the Empire." Guess they don't call him "The D" for nothing.
  • Dirty Old Monk: Gives off this impression. He's never actually said to be a man of the cloth, but he is a religious Dirty Old Man dressed in monk-like robes. Subverted at the end, when he reveals all his religious outlook was all facade.
  • Drunk on the Dark Side: Subverted: rather than crow about 'UNLIMITED POWAAAAAAH' as Palpatine did, D simply gives Text How Big a final cruel taunt... at least it might have been a final cruel taunt before hurling him out the window.
    D: Get to say with you that part... FOREVER!
  • The End Is Nigh: Claims this at one point:
    "The judgment day of world come quickly, general"
  • Evil Counterpart: Palpatine was already one to both Obi-Wan and Yoda in canon, but D is primarily one to Ratio Tile: both are extremely perverted, claim to be disabled though show no outward signs of any disability, and make advances towards Allah Gold at multiple points.
  • Evil Is Bigger: His stated ambition is to be stronger and bigger than anyone else.
  • Fire/Water Juxtaposition: He seems to see the Wish Power as this. He says that the Dark World is like "the fire of water."
  • Gratuitous German:
    "I would be aller strong and big than everyone."
  • Handicapped Badass: Claims to have been left disabled and sick by his fight with Text How Big, but he still has little trouble seeing off Vanquish Is when they battle.
  • I Am the Noun: Combined with Double Entendre, he says that he's the "member" of the Senate.
  • Interplay of Sex and Violence: A firm believer in this, telling Allah Gold that he "makes out quite good" after seeing him defeat and kill The and later praising him for achieving "full cock" by slaughtering all the Hopeless Situation Warriors in the temple, and he uses "strong and big" as a euphemism for "powerful."
  • Legacy Character: Maybe. The translation doesn't make any real distinction between "The Emperor" (Darth Plagueis, who is implied to still be alive) and "The West Emperor" (Darth Sidious), so it's possible that it is a title that passes from master to apprentice. Or maybe that D is lying in his tale and they are actually the same person (unless Darth Plagueis is R2).
  • Like Is, Like, a Comma: "The Presbyterian Church, like, enjoys you not."
  • Meaningful Name: "The D" is common slang for the male genitalia, especially on the Internet. So it doesn't come as a surprise that the man commonly known as "The D" is not only a Dirty Old Man, but also kind of a dick in general, to put it mildly.
  • Noble Demon: He is definitely more honorable and well-meant than the Hopeless Situation Warriors, if still ruthless and power-hungry.
  • No, You: His response when Text How Big says that he failed is "Not. Not- You just failed."
  • Pet the Dog: Speaker D outwardly admits that he had used Allah Gold to kill Text How Big, and that he has no more use for him... before offering Allah Gold a chance to be his student anyway for no reason other than apparently having grown fond of him. He also doesn't seem to resent Allah Gold for starting the war, probably guessing that Allah Gold was being manipulated by his superiors the same way.
  • Popularity Power: One possible interpretation of his power having always been "to have no like" is that this is Inverted, and if so, he may gain power from having a 0% Approval Rating.
  • The Power of Hate: Claims that his power has always been "to have no like." This may also be interpreted as Blessed with Suck, depending on who's doing the liking.
  • Power of the Void: He apparently taps into a "great void" for his power. During the crux of his duel with Text How Big, his great void grows weak, preventing him from overcoming the Hopeless Situation Elder before Allah Gold intervenes.
  • Power Perversion Potential: He suggests Allah Gold to "study the dark power in usage with me."
  • Reasonable Authority Figure: Another thing that sets him apart from Palpatine. Excessive formality and groveling from his underlings seems to annoy him on some level, such as when he bluntly tells the kneeling, newly-christened Reaching The West Of Reaches to "Get up." after the latter pledges his loyalty. After killing off the Abruption Doctrine leaders on the wood method star, Allah Gold responds to The D's new orders with a casual "All right, Host.", and D seems entirely okay with it. Later in his reign he treats his close allies fairly well, considering he let South Host go on vacation.
  • Refuge in Audacity: He simply, and bluntly, orders the Republic Troopseses to kill the Hopeless Situation Warriors once their time runs out. Rather than question this order, they immediately comply.
  • The Reveal: After everything he does to make religion legal in the Milky Way and all the events that follow, he reveals to Gospel that he was an atheist all along and was only using religious beliefs to further manipulate the galaxy.
  • Royal "We": Briefly lapses into this while assuring Allah Gold that he's fine upon being rescued by Gold and Ratio Tile. Being secretly an Emperor of the West, it's natural.
  • Screw the Rules, I Make Them!: His Establishing Character Moment from Ghost The Threat, with an unusual emphasis on the "screwing" part.
    West Emperor: I want to fuck it into law.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: Oddly mashes together Flowery Elizabethan English and Valley Girl syntax in the line "The Presbyterian Church, like, enjoys you not."
  • Then Let Me Be Evil: Some of his dialogue suggests that he tried to do the right thing at first, but constant attacks by the Presbyterian Church (which were implied to be motivated by bigotry) eventually drove him to unleash his ambitions, destroy them, and take supreme power.
  • Token Good Teammate: He claims to be this, as he reveals that he also belongs to the Hopeless Situation Presbyterian, despite disapproving of their plot "to rule." Though this might be mostly because he is already the Prime Minister / Governor / Speaker / West Emperor / Big King, and simply fears that the other Hopeless Situations will betray him.
  • Undying Loyalty: To the Black Influence. At some point in time, he needed it to save himself from something, and as such holds it in high regard.
  • Villain Respect: He calls Ratio Tile "prosperous" for training Allah Gold well enough to defeat The in single combat.
  • Villains Want Mercy: In a scene relatively unchanged from the original, he beseeches Text How Big to show mercy, and for Allah Gold to save him when Text How Big is clearly not in a giving vein.
    Speaker D: (terrified)!
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist:
    • Paints himself as this, notably before his battle with Text How Big.
    • In Ghost The Threat, he's willing to offer sexual favors to make religion legal in the galaxy.
  • Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds: You can hardly blame him for being evil since his power has always been to have no like.
  • Working Through the Cold: Has an intense duel with with Vanquish Is mere hours after telling the Parliament that he became disabled and sick. He might have been exaggerating to invoke their sympathy, but he does look a bit physically ravaged.

    The Plum Of 

The Plum Of / The Gets The Rice / Pair of Lady Microphone
"At the time of we still canning make leave the all these."
Played by: Natalie Portman (stock footage)
Originally called: Padmé Amidala

Allah Gold's lover. She blames him for starting the war, and believes herself to have suffered a miscarriage. Fortunately she turns out to be wrong, meaning that she will still give birth to children which will help her clean the house while she feeds it. She did shout "Do not want" before her lover did.

  • Bizarre Alien Biology: Apparently, whatever species of Human Alien she is should not be capable of shivering.
    Allah Gold: Are you o.k.? You is shivering. How?
  • Bondage Is Bad: She misinterprets Allah Gold's declaration of love, thinking he wants her to tie him up, and seems disturbed by the thought.
  • Covert Pervert: In the Bondage Is Bad example, she's the one who, totally out of nowhere, suggests that Allah Gold wants her to tie him up. He then seems embarrassed by the idea.
  • Did You Die?: She asks The Peaceful Is Willing To this question.
    The Plum of That: Hear of you is killed.
    Allah Gold: I did not die, is not.
  • Eats Babies: She seems worried that her child will be sent to the slaughterhouse.
    The Plum Of: Is that baby on the hoof?
  • Face of an Angel, Mind of a Demon: When they first meet, The Peaceful Is Willing To calls her a "beautiful monster."
  • Hates Being Touched: She tells Bottle that she doesn't want to hold him.
  • Run, Don't Walk: A rare example outside of a video game. She can't walk on a road meant for running about.
  • That Makes Me Feel Angry: After learning The Peaceful Is Willing To has joined the Dark World, The Plum Of tearfully tells him, "You let me feeling sad!"
  • Vow of Celibacy: Has apparently taken one in The Duplicate Offensive. It obviously doesn't stick, given that she ends up pregnant with Allah Gold's children.

    Vanquish Is 

Vanquish Is / Particularly Reach the Master / Dada / Sir Yoda / Master Judas / Master Ioda / Master Ayoda / Master Iodine
"We must ruin the west."
Played by: Frank Oz (stock footage)
Originally called: Yoda

An elder of the Hopeless Situation Parliament. He attempts to ruin the West by feigning surrender and fighting The D, but the powers of the Dark World are too strong and big for Particularly Reach the Master, forcing him to leave the country.

  • Adaptational Jerkass: Yoda could sometimes be an insensitive hardass, but Vanquish Is is downright psychotic, in addition to underhanded and amoral. He has still redeeming qualities, though. Swears a lot in the Counterattack Collection.
  • Adaptational Nice Guy: From Anakin's perspective, Yoda was mostly just a Hero Antagonist in Revenge of the Sith. Here, on the other hand, Vanquish Is is significantly more supportive of Allah Gold than Yoda was of Anakin, defending him as "a right candidate" when Text How Big distrusts him and later noting his "experience" as a reason to give him the mission of finding Space General though this is overruled.
  • Adaptational Villainy: Aside from being a psycho, he's here an high-ranked member of a racist, manipulative organization with questionable activities and which possibly started the war. In The Duplicate Offensive, after Camino has been found, he tells Ratio Tile to delete all files related to it, suggesting the Hopeless Situation Warriors were using the planet for some sinister purpose.
  • Ambiguously Alien: The D calls him a mannequin before their battle, implying he is some kind of animated artificial being. Hardly surprising if we consider the Hopeless Situation Warriors already have a zombie and a giant Midi-chlorian in their staff. However, it could also be simply The D taunting him.
  • Anti-Villain: He's manipulative, violent and part of an evil organization, but he still cares for Allah Gold and is firmly against drugs (which might even be the reason why his order started a war to damage the Gram Republic in the first place), and it's implied that at least some of his villainy might come from a troubled personal life.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: He can't seem to focus on helping Ratio Tile find Camino, talking instead about finding "fuck and wan planets", then bringing up his past relationship with someone named Sarah.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: VANQUISH IS. And just in case someone starts to think the little green space goblin having a name like that is an example of Deathbringer the Adorable, all he has to do is pull out his lightsaber to prove them dead wrong.
  • Ax-Crazy: Even if his previous goals seemed to be ultimately well-intentioned, he openly tells to Gospel to destroy everything.
  • Captain Obvious: At one point, he notes that “The current time arrived.
  • Cross-Dressing Voices: He is clearly voiced by a woman, leading to some Larynx Dissonance.
  • Dark and Troubled Past: Apparently related to an ex named Sarah.
  • Destroy the Evidence: He encourages Ratio Tile to "delete the email", but soon realizes it can't be done.
  • Dirty Old Man: He appears to encourage the younglings to look for sex.
  • Driven to Madness: Possibly. He used to be a sort of Well-Intentioned Extremist back when the Presbyterian Church still existed, but when Gospel finds him, he has devolved into an Omnicidal Maniac. It's thus implied that the destruction of his organization and his long exile abroad made him lose his head over the years.
  • Drugs Are Bad: He seems to be worried that the Hopeless Situation Warriors will become addicted to cocaine.
    "Wait until the gram the person discovers. Will use very long hours."
    • Considering The Plum Of's comment to Allah Gold about him being too high, perhaps these worries aren't entirely without merit.
  • Emotionally Tongue-Tied: When he says goodbye to Drag Along, he tells him "I will miss your—", but can't finish the sentence and leaves without saying anything else.
  • Healing Hands: In The Counterattack Collection, he causes the "cancellation" of Gospel's "heart problems."
  • Ironic Name: He's sometimes called Master Judas, a very ironic name for someone who was betrayed by a disciple named Allah Gold.
  • I Surrender, Suckers: He sneaks into The D's chambers late in the film this way:
    Speaker D: Vanquish Is. You surrendered.
    Vanquish Is: Surprise.
  • Know When to Fold 'Em: Decides to Run for the Border when he fails to beat The D in their fight.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: In The Counterattack Collection, he urges Gospel to "destroy all."
  • The One That Got Away: Sarah, as mentioned in The Duplicate Offensive, though his vague, defensive statement that "Sarah happened" suggests it's not a topic he likes to discuss. Maybe she was a bad enough partner to have been a human disaster for him and/or some kind of unpleasant Noodle Incident figured into the breakup.
  • The Paladin: Taken even further than in canon, as he actually holds the title "sir."
  • Pragmatic Hero: Perfectly willing to use dirty tricks in his efforts to ruin the west.
  • Run for the Border: States that he must leave the country after being defeated by The Pudding.
  • Sex–Face Turn: He plans a Fan Disservice variant when he insists that “[he] must hold tight the Space General” to end the war.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Particularly in The Counterattack Collection.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Implied. If the Gram Republic is a narco-state as it sounds like, then it would be natural for an anti-drugs figure like Vanquish Is to act against it.

    Text How Big 

Text How Big/Mike/Hammer
"Adult, you were caught."
Played by: Samuel L. Jackson (stock footage)
Originally called: Mace Windu

A powerful black Hopeless Situation master who tries to have Speaker D caught fucking. Tends to be fairly rude to most people he encounters. Really dislikes foolish people, young people, grown-up people, and black people.

  • Adaptational Jerkass: The original Windu was already a blunt jerk, but Text How Big makes him look sweet by comparison.
  • Adaptational Villainy: Like Vanquish Is and the rest of the Presbyterian Church.
  • Big Good: Seems to be, as The D considered him the biggest threat around, although Text's faction makes it more of an Evil Versus Evil affair.
  • Boomerang Bigot: Seems to be his schtik. He's against the notion of compromising with black people despite himself being a black person, and also dislikes The D for being an adult despite being portrayed by an actor in his fifties.
  • The Comically Serious: While most of the cast is this to a certain extent, he's especially notably due to being The Stoic.
  • The Dreaded: The D doesn't even consider putting his plans into action as long as Text How Big is around: he outwardly admits to Allah Gold that his sole interest in the boy (at least at first) was because he could use Allah Gold to get Text How Big out of the way.
  • Entendre Failure: Doesn't get the innuendo behind The D's statement that he's the "member" of the Senate, judging from his response that he's not the only one.
  • Hates Everyone Equally: Including himself.
  • Knight Templar: He decides to kill The D rather than have him stand trial because he believes The D is so powerful he will pull a Karma Houdini. This causes Allah Gold to turn to The D’s side and gets Text How Big killed.
  • Odd Name Out: While Text How Big is a pretty normal name by the standards of the Presbyterian Church, Mike is definitely an odd name among Vanquish Is, Ratio Tile, and even his own alternate names.
  • Properly Paranoid: Expresses doubt that Allah Gold can handle the mission to spy on Speaker D. He turns out to be absolutely right, but it makes no difference in the end: Speaker D's plan goes off without a hitch, Allah Gold goes to the Dark World, and Text How Big goes careening out the window.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: This gem, from Ghost The Threat.
    Text How Big: This will put pressure on alliances to broaden the fuck confrontation.
  • Special Person, Normal Name: Is occasionally called 'Mike'.
  • Underestimating Badassery: Zig-zagged. When Allah Gold tries to warn him about The D's power, Text How Big dismisses his concerns as foolish. He ends up losing the three Hopeless Situation Warrior accompanying him in seconds after the battle starts, but he still manages to get D on the ropes: if Allah Gold hadn't betrayed him, he would have won.
  • We Have Reserves: Averted. He specifies that only specific "troopseses" whom The Master Of is helping should be sent into battle, and not anyone else.
  • Worthy Opponent: He praises Space General as being very successful and crafty. This dynamic between them is notably not present in the original, where he denigrates him as a coward who runs and hides.
  • You No Take Candle: "I feel that this child cans not handles. I distrust him."

    Space General 

Space General / General Space / The Space In Not the General
"Sir, you came finally. I always at expect your come."
Originally called: General Grievous

A very deceitful, skillful former Hopeless Situation warrior who turned to the Black Influence, becoming a Big. He is quite obsessed with Ratio Tile, is very respectful to Ratio Tile and threatens to punish his robotic minions by feeding them dog.

  • Adaptational Badass: In the original movie, he was trained by The in lightsaber combat. Here, his dialogue hints that he was at one point a full-fledged Hopeless Situation Warrior! Text How Big also remarks that the Space General will always succeed to succeed, as opposed to the original line in which his counterpart disregarded General Grievous as a coward who would run and hide.
  • Adaptational Nice Guy: Space General is also consistently nicer to his underlings in this version, besides a one-off threat to feed them all dog. When the Abruption Doctrine leaders question his ability to keep them safe, he begs them to believe him rather than threaten them as he did in the original work, and when it looks like Ratio and Gold will escape capture on his airship, he urges his troops to escape.
  • Affably Evil: Unlike Grievous, Space General's worst moment was a one-off time he threatened to feed dog to his troops after their failure. Other than that, he doesn't come across as that bad a guy, being impeccably polite even to his enemies and A Father to His Men.
  • Ambition Is Evil: He may be motivated by this, as he may be plotting to betray the leaders of the Abruption Doctrine and seize power for himself.
  • Benevolent Boss: He threatens to feed dog to his troops, who are robots, but aside from this, he seems to care for them, twice taking on his enemies personally so that they have a chance to escape.
  • Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head: For all his menace, he sure as hell can't trashtalk: his response to Allah Gold insulting him is to call him a "smelly boy."
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: A fallen Hopeless Situation Warrior planning to betray his new Abruption Doctrine allies for his own gain. Lampshaded by Text How Big.
    Text How Big: "He's very deceitful!"
  • Crazy-Prepared: Apparently he anticipated that The D would ask him to transfer his troops to "the wood method star", because he tells D "That has completed, my host" when he makes the suggestion. Of course, this might just be an example of how he's "very deceitful" and he lied about it to impress The D.
  • Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: When Allah Gold and Ratio Tile escape, he orders his troopers to "batter to death them!"
  • Divide and Conquer: According to Speaker D, his plan is to "splits up the Doctrine Alliance leads."
  • Dragon Ascendant: Going by the above, he may be trying to do this.
  • Eating Machine: His Mooks might be this.
  • Evil Is Hammy: Very much so.
  • Evil Is Sexy: invokedSeems to think this:
    "Beat, we are great and black influences."
  • A Father to His Men: Aside from a one-off threat to make his troops eat dog (which he almost certainly didn't intend to actually do, if anything because they are robots), Space General is nothing but caring towards them. This is shown whenever a Hopeless Situation Warrior enters the fray. When Ratio Tile and Allah Gold get their lightsabers back, he holds them off to give his subordinates time to escape, knowing they're hopelessly outmatched. Later, when Ratio tracks him down, he insists on fighting him personally, and later runs off to draw him away from the troops.
  • Forgot About His Powers: Despite at one point being a Hopeless Situation Warrior, at no point does he use the Wish Power on Ratio Tile during their fight. Considering how close the battle was, it's not unreasonable to think he could have won outright if he had. May be a Fridge Brilliance if you remember that in the original movies, one's ability to use The Force is directly related to the amount of Midi-chlorian one has in his/her body and Midi-chlorian can only survive within an organic host, and since Space General is probably about 95+% machine it's understandable that he can no longer use the Wish Power.
  • Forgotten Friend, New Foe: He may have once served alongside Ratio Tile, as he reveals that he was once in the latter's "Hopeless Situation encampment."
  • Heroic Sacrifice: He distracts and duels Ratio Tile so Ratio won't harm his minions, which could be seen as one since he dies in that duel.
  • Know When to Fold 'Em: Considering he used to be one himself, Space General is well aware of how powerful Hopeless Situation Warriors are: as soon as Allah Gold and Ratio Tile get their lightsabers back, he decides getting his troops out alive is more important than recapturing The D.
    "Leave he! Run, quickly!"
  • Large Ham: His voice actor clearly has a lot of fun with the role in the dubbed version.
  • Minion with an F in Evil: More Dragon with an F in jackassery, but he totally sucks at threats and insults: the best punishment he can think of for his troops is to feed them dog (likely because he's so caring towards them normally), tells them to "batter to death them" three different times, and goes with "smelly boy" when insulting Allah Gold.
  • No-Nonsense Nemesis: He immediately orders his troops to kill Ratio Tile and Allah Gold when they infiltrate his airship, and as soon as he sees his elite guard go down, he decides to get the rest of his men out of there, knowing they will not stand a chance.
  • Oh, Crap!: When Ratio and Allah Gold get their weapons back, he immediately orders his MagnaGuards to batter to death them, and when they go down he orders a hasty retreat for the rest of his forces.
  • Old Soldier: Refers to himself as an "old man", but as he has an uber-powerful cyborg body, is fully capable of taking on Ratio Tile.
  • Out-of-Character Moment: Inverted, in a way. His first onscreen interaction with his troops is when, in a moment of frustration, he threatens to feed them dog. The rest of the time, he's far more concerned for them.
  • Polite Villains, Rude Heroes: In contrast to his original incarnation, Space General is surprisingly polite, especially compared to his pottymouthed nemesis Ratio Tile.
  • The Starscream: Apparently, he is this to the leaders of the Abruption Doctrine.
  • Villain Respect: Seems to have a degree of this for Section Ratio, referring to him as "Sir" during their meeting on the airship and then, on the Pimping Mainland, complimenting him as a day of brave before commanding his troops to killed him.
  • Wild Card: The D suggests that he is planning something against the leaders of the Abruption Doctrine, whom he is supposedly fighting for.

    Commanding Officer 

Commanding Officer
"Unfortunately of is great majority city all. On the pimping mainland in this area..."
Played by: Temuera Morrison (stock footage)
Originally called: Commander Cody

A Republic Troopseses officer who... well... holds the title of Commanding Officer for Section Ratio General's unit of Troopseses.

  • Blind Obedience: He immediately, and without question, complies with D The Superior's orders in killing off the Hopeless Situations, once their time runs out.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": An army commander named Commanding Officer.
  • Face–Heel Turn: Speaker D orders him to kill off the Hopeless Situation Warriors because time has run out. He immediately complies by having Ratio Tile, who is a Hopeless Situation, gunned down.
  • Mook Lieutenant: For Ratio Tile's Republic Troopseses, and later, one for Speaker D once the Hopeless Situations' time runs out.
  • Race Against the Clock: He was apparently working on a timetable to resolve Speaker D's conflict with the Hopeless Situation Warriors. Speaker D tells him "time is up" before ordering him to kill them off immediately.
  • Satellite Character: All of his scenes are him serving under Section Ratio General, and later, trying to have him killed under D The Superior's orders when "time is up."


R2 / Reach the Man / R2-D2 / A map / Atu
"Reach the man, beat it in the in-between eye."
Played by: Kenny Baker, Jimmy Vee (stock footage)
Originally called: R2-D2

Allah Gold's foolish Robot Buddy. Despite his helpfulness, most people never really treat him with any respect. He may or may not be the same person as the former emperor of the West.

  • Adaptation Name Change: The sole aversion of this in the entire dub, at least when he isn't referred to as Reach The Man.
  • Ambiguous Gender: He's usually referred to as male, but at one point in The Novelty Desire Blow the Skin calls him her wife.
  • Ambiguous Situation: It's not clear if he really is the former West Emperor or if he just happens to have the same name. Also R4-P17 is called "R2" in Backstroke of the West.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: Allah Gold twice instructs him to be "foolish", suggesting that he is good at pulling this off.
  • Official Couple: Is outright stated to be Blow The Skin's wife in The Novelty Desire.
  • One Steve Limit: Averted. Not only does R2 share his name with all the other astromech droids, he's also referred to as "Reach the Man", which is also the name of... the original film's Darth Plagueis.
  • The Reach the Man Behind the Man: This translation suggests that R2 is a Sith Lord, given that both he and Darth Plagueis are referred to as "Reach the Man".
  • The Voiceless: Unlike most other characters, R2 gets to keep his "voice" from the film.
  • Younger and Hipper: Apparently. He and Blow the Skin are referred to as "childses" by Senator.


"Execuse me particularly reach the master."
Played by: Jimmy Smits (stock footage)
Originally called: Bail Organa

A senator who takes Ratio Tile and Vanquish Is to Governor D's city, and also helps the latter leave the country afterwards. As thanks for his trouble, Blow the Skin is later offered to Senator as a wife.

  • Brutal Honesty: Tells Ratio Tile in the bluntest manner possible that most of his comrades have been killed.
    "Look, your loss very miserably heavy."
  • Captain Obvious: Perhaps. Upon witnessing a young Hopeless Situation learner attempting to fight off a squad of troopseses, he shouts at the young Hopeless to run — after he'd already been shot dead.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": He's consistently addressed as merely "Senator."
  • Exotic Extended Marriage: While he proudly declares Blow the Skin to be his wife, he's shown with a human wife a little later, suggesting that human/droid Polyamory might be common on his planet.
  • Luke, I Am Your Father: Maybe. Blow The Skin calls R2 "my kid", while at the end of the film, Senator reveals that Blow the Skin "is [his] wife." It's perfectly possible that in this version of Star Wars, Bail Organa is the father of R2-D2.
  • Robosexual: Might be this, as he takes Blow the Skin as his wife. In fact, one could infer from his line "I will take the girl with the wife" that the only reason he even agrees to adopt See is so that he can get his hands on Blow the Skin as well.

    Blow the Skin 

Blow the Skin / C-3PO / I Occupy To Walk First / Professor Xu / Picard / Saint Leather Austria / Blow Pio / Blowing the Skin
"Where does he want to go? Do you must walk?"
Played by: Anthony Daniels (stock footage)
Originally called: C-3PO

A Fembot in the service of The Gets The Rice, and also the mother of Reach The Man or R2. She is eventually given to Senator as a wife.



The / Drop / Master Pulling Augustine
"Even since you I seperate I has been hating you."
Played by: Christopher Lee (stock footage)
Originally called: Count Dooku

A psychotic Big who harbors a burning hatred for Allah Gold. He tries to kill Ratio Tile and Allah as a tribute to Speaker D, but is himself defeated and executed by Gold.

  • Adaptational Jerkass: He is not much more evil than Dooku, but surely manages to be more savage and unstable.
  • Ax-Crazy: His madness is only vaguely hidden by the thinnest air of calm sophistication. Every word out of his mouth revolves around how much he despises Allah Gold and wants to kill him in the name of his master.
  • Blood Knight: Orders Allah Gold and Ratio Tile to draw their swords, chomping at the bit for the chance to kill them in D's name. Is "surprised and pleased" to learn Allah Gold had his force promoted twice since their last encounter, clearly relishing the opportunity to fight a stronger opponent.
  • But for Me, It Was Tuesday: Inverted. He says that he "has been hating" Allah Gold since they "separate", indicating their previous encounter in The Duplicate Offensive, even there though The spent most of that encounter fighting with Ratio Tile and then Vanquish Is.
    • Alternatively, it could suggest The was formerly in a relationship with Allah Gold.
  • Cassandra Truth: Despite outwardly declaring who his master is right to Allah Gold and Ratio Tile, the two ignore it as more of his crazed rambling.
  • Death Seeker: Ratio speculates that The was this, thus explaining his eagerness to fight especially strong opponents.
    "The ever since that time willing to dies."
  • Dirty Old Man: Like teacher, like student. He disguises his intention to sacrifice Allah Gold and Ratio Tile to his master with a Double Entendre.
  • Establishing Character Moment: Delivers one on behalf of the West, ensuring that the audience knows what they're about with his first line.
    "Pull out your sword. Dedicate the body for your Speaker."
  • Human Sacrifice: He considers the act of killing Allah Gold and Ratio Tile a sacrifice to The D.
  • It's Personal: He and Allah Gold have a history, and it's clearly not a good one. According to The, he's hated Allah Gold ever since they last saw each other.
  • No-Nonsense Nemesis: Tells Allah Gold that he'll cut him up rough. Of course, in the end, it's he who gets cut up.
  • No Pronunciation Guide: Its not clear whether you're supposed to pronounce his name as The (i.e. The The) or The (i.e. The The).
  • Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: "You are a sacrifice article that I cut up rough now." It backfires.
  • Psycho Supporter: Has hints of this: he's so doggedly loyal to The D that he considers killing Allah Gold and Ratio Tile a sacrifice to his master. Considering The D's distaste for excessive groveling and flattery, and the fact The outwardly boasted about serving The D right to Allah Gold and Ratio Tile's faces, he probably treasured the moment The finally outlived his usefulness and he could at last be rid of the lunatic.
  • Spell My Name with a "The": This version of Count Dooku is possibly the most triumphant example of this trope ever created, as he's simply renamed to "The" (although Ratio Tile also addresses him as "Drop" once).
  • Token Evil Teammate: To the Abruption Doctrine, as he displays none of the Adaptational Nice Guy treatment that D and Space General got and has hated Allah Gold since he cut off the young Hopeless Situation Warrior's arm despite spending more time fighting Ratio Tile and Vanquish Is in that battle and swears to cut him up rough.
  • Unexplained Recovery: According to the extended version of The Final Hopeless Situation, he, somehow, survived his battle with Allah Gold and fled.
    • The fourth episode of The Mendelsohn also implies that Mendel may actually be The under his helmet.
  • Villain Respect: Even though he says he "has been hating" Allah Gold, he still pronounces himself "surprised and pleased" to hear that Gold got a promotion (assuming he wasn't being sarcastic), as it means he will be a stronger adversary.
  • You Are What You Hate: He asks Ratio Tile to help him destroy the Big, despite being a Big himself. As in the original, he was probably lying at this point.

    Ray Gun 

Nuts Gunray / Ray Gun / Mr. President
"Is the Lord legal?"
Played by: Silas Carson (stock footage)
Originally called: Nute Gunray

A war-hungry president allied with the West. He is responsible for the invasion of South Korea, and later joins the Abruption Doctrine. He is finally killed by South Host once he outlives his usefulness.

  • Adaptational Jerkass: The original Gunray was a cowardly executive who blocked Naboo in the search of corporate benefits. Ray Gun, on the other hand, invades South Korea explicitly for his own amusement, with any other benefit being a secondary goal at the best.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: "Ray Gun" sounds like the type of name a '90s Anti-Hero would sport.
  • Badass Boast: "I do not know failure."
  • Card-Carrying Villain: He states that "invasion is my primary calendar."
  • Embarrassing Nickname: "Nuts" Gunray isn't likely to strike fear into the heart of the enemy.
  • Meaningful Name: A space warmonger named Ray Gun. Hard to be more explicit.
  • Must Have Lots of Free Time: The Plum Of implies that he is invading her home country out of boredom.
  • One Steve Limit: Not to be confused with Rey, also known as Eyebrows/Swiss/Thunder.
  • President Evil: Very much so.
  • Take That!: An evil president named Ray Gun? Hmmm... (Of course, the original character has been speculated to be a pisstake at Reagan ever since The Phantom Menace came out, but it's never been quite this blatant.)
  • Underestimating Badassery: In Ghost The Threat, he tells the captain of the Battle Droids who land on South Korea "be careful. As a Jedi is worthless." This despite having seen the aforementioned Jedi hacking down droves of droids (except for droidekas) on his ship.

    Reaching The West Of Reaches 

Reaching The West Of Reaches / South Host / Reaches of Come / Dark World / Lord Vader / Darth Bader / Lord Bader / Mr Current / Lord Gift / Reach The West / Mr. at a head / Mr. Feder / Darth Vidal / Darth-Weed / Minister Vida
"Impossible. I can feel she return on the hoof."
Played by: Hayden Christensen, David Prowse (stock footage)
Voiced by: Tom Schalk
Originally called: Darth Vader

A new persona taken up by The Peaceful Is Willing To after he enters the Dark World. He plans to overthrow D the Superior and take his Empire Of The First Choice for himself. Is also famous for not wanting.

  • Big "NO!": Or in this case, Big "DO NOT WANT!", which he screams after being told that he killed The Plum Of in his exasperation.
  • Defiant to the End: Tells Ratio Tile that he'll ruin him even as he lies on the ground wincing in pain from potentally lethal injuries.
  • Evil Chef: He's never actually depicted making any food, but we know he's enough of a foodie to gush over an "amazing and neat cooking tool" in The Counterattack Collection.
  • I Have Many Names: Combined with the many names he had as Allah Gold, Reaches has enough names to rival even Ratio Tile.
  • I'll Kill You!: Manages to combine this with Never Say "Die" when he screams that he'll ruin Ratio Tile.
  • Immediate Self-Contradiction: His penchant for this back in his Allah Gold days continued under his new identity, as in this example from The Counterattack Collection.
    He can destroy the emperor. I think it's him.
  • Malicious Misnaming: Refers to Kunnic as a mere secretary to show how lowly he regards him.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: His full name, "Reaching The West Of Reaches", is only ever said once by The Pudding in the entire series. The rest of the time it's shortened to "Reaches" or "Reach The West" or another name entirely.
  • Pulled from Your Day Off: The Rebels just had to attack the Second Station Wagon during his first day of vacation.
  • Sincerest Form of Flattery: Believes this. "If you are us, we will be honored."
  • The Slacker: When the Station Wagon plans can't be found aboard the ship at the start of The Novelty Desire, he tells his men that "we will not work this time." In Hopeless Situation Return, he decides to take a vacation although the Rebels/Union interrupt by attacking the second Station Wagon.
  • Surprise Incest: He was previously in a relationship with Leah before he decided to torture her. Also a case of Parental Incest.
  • Totally Radical: Judging from how he reprimands someone in The Counterattack Collection for using a term from "the hippie decade", the use of outdated slang seems to be a pet peeve of his.

    Drag Along 

Drag Along / Vaca / Tsui / Chui / Baca / Chubaka / Chewie / Chuy / Chevrolet / Chevron / W
Played by: Peter Mayhew, Joonas Suotamo (stock footage)
Originally called: Chewbacca

An alien warrior serving under Particularly Reach the Master. He helps the Hopeless Situation Master get to an airship so he can leave the planet and combat The D.

    This With In 

This With In / Captain Antilles
"We do not spread disease."
Played by: Rohan Nichol (Backstroke of the West), Peter Geddis (The Novelty Desire), Tim Beckmann (Grand Theft Auto) (stock footage)
Originally called: Captain Antilles

    Gospel of Luke 

Gospel of Luke / See Me / Who / The Main Road / Master Gospel Gospel / Peter / Luke Skywalker /The Empress of Tokyo / No Need / Samurai Master Lucas Godwalker / Look Skywalker / The Way To Increase Teachers / Luke Day Trip
"Coming soon. What is the difference between a father and a son?"
Played by: Aidan Barton (baby), Mark Hamill (adult) (stock footage)
Originally called: Luke Skywalker

The son of Allah Gold and The Plum Of, twin brother of Bong Day (aka See). He was separated from his sister as a baby and raised in Africa, hidden from Reaching the West of Reaches.

  • Adaptational Nice Guy: A minor case. In The Final Hopeless Situation he tells Swiss to do what she thinks is impossible, as opposed to the original movie, where he tries to stop her.
  • Astrologer: Eyebrows/Swiss/Thunder refers to him as "The Master of Astrology."
  • Authority in Name Only: Is referred to as "Mr. President", despite only being a farmworker. Perhaps his farm is legally a company?
  • Bifauxnen: Looks like a young man, but is actually female.
  • Catchphrase: Says "Do not want" more than any other character. Given that both of his parents said it in Backstroke of the West, it might actually be hereditary.
  • Dub Name Change: Luke's name was apparently misinterpreted by the translator as "look" (in the way that a person might say "look at me!"), resulting in the name he has in Backstroke of the West.
  • Eunuchs Are Evil: A subversion. He lacks a package, which he envies Thoreau for. However, he's always on the side of the Rebellion. His worst moment is refusing to train Swiss or help her redeem Kellogg, and even then he relents and uses the Wish Power to project himself on Crait to distract Kellogg so the Resistance can escape. Subverted even further in Hopeless Situation Return, as it turns out that Gospel is female.
  • Heroic Self-Deprecation: Calls himself "a failed terminator" in The Counterattack Collection.
  • I Have Many Names: Just like Allah Gold.
  • Lady Looks Like a Dude: Definitely. Gospel even has a beard in Final Hopeless Situation.
  • Love at First Sight:
    Gospel of Luke: Who is she? She is very sex appeal.
    • He may also have feelings for Eyebrows/Swiss, given that his immediate reaction to meeting her is calling her his wife. It's also possible that he believes Swiss has feelings for him, but he cannot return them.
    Gospel Of Luke: I cannot like her as needed.
  • Meaningful Name: His father was named Allah, while he is Gospel of Luke, two Abrahamic concepts.
  • Our Zombies Are Different: Leah tells him that he died when she was very young.
  • Raised as the Opposite Gender: He was raised as a boy up until adulthood, despite his lack of male genitalia. Hopeless Situation Return reveals that he's always been a girl.
  • Theme Twin Naming: His original name is See Me, and his sister's is See.
  • Unexplained Recovery: According to Bong Day, she died when he was very young. This does nothing to slow her down.

    Bong Day 

Bong Day / See / Princess Leah / Princess Leia / Reiah / Liya / Elijah / The Imperial Senate / Rhea / Ria / Li Asia / Lia / Levine / Oro O'Ghanner / Leah O'Garner
"I am a mysterious magician, I am a great lighter."
Played by: Aidan Barton (baby), Carrie Fisher (adult) (stock footage)
Originally called: Leia Organa

The daughter of Allah Gold and The Plum Of, twin sister of Gospel of Luke (aka See Me). She was separated from her brother as a baby and adopted by Senator to hide her from Reaching the West of Reaches. Reach the West claims her as his ex.

  • Actually a Doombot: During the escape from the First Order's boats, she says this time she was a robot, implying she left a decoy to trick the First Order into believing she perished with the base.
  • Adaptational Villainy: Is now a "black imperial agent fuck" who has been spying on the Rebellion, although she makes a Heel–Face Turn and joins Gospel and company.
  • Beyond the Impossible: Managed to give birth to Kellog despite being a man in this continuity.
  • Dub Name Change: As her brother's name was misinterpreted as "look" by the translator of Backstroke of the West, her name seems to have been misinterpreted as "leer."
  • Dude Looks Like a Lady: Leah is actually male, as Hopeless Situation Return reveals.
  • Happily Adopted: See gets adopted by Senator, although it's left a little ambiguous as to whether he just agreed to this so that Blow the Skin would be thrown in as well.
  • Heel–Face Turn: In The Novelty Desire, despite starting off as an Imperial agent, she winds up joining the Rebellion out of mistreatment by Reach the West. Crosses into High-Heel–Face Turn by being the only female Imperial mook shown.
  • Honey Trap: Implied to be her main modus operandi, with her being a "black imperial agent fuck" and all.
  • Mistreatment-Induced Betrayal: Why she properly joins the Rebellion.
  • I Am the Noun: Claims to be the Imperial Senate, rather than just a member of it. (Ironic, given that the opposite thing happened to one of Palpatine/The D's lines.)
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: 'Bong Day' was only mentioned by Blow the Skin in The Novelty Desire and not in subsequent dubs. She or he is known by other names, most predominantly 'Princess Leah.'
  • The Stoner: Being named "Bong Day" and calling herself "a great lighter" strongly imply that she counts as one.
  • Raised as the Opposite Gender: She's portrayed as a princess all throughout the series even after Hopeless Situation Return reveals she's actually male.
  • Related in the Adaptation: She might know the Good Elephant, as she yells about the day after the fair to Gospel.
  • Theme Twin Naming: Her original name is See, and her brother's is See Me. Kind of poetic if one thinks about it.
  • Surprise Incest: As remarked by Reaching The West Of Reaches - she was his ex.

    Uncle Owen 

Uncle Owen
"Now I will go to school next year."
Played by: Joel Edgerton, Phil Brown (stock footage)
Voiced by: Archie Macmillan
Originally called: Owen Lars

  • Extreme Omnivore: Despite his claims of needing a translator, he says he only bought Blow the Skin and R2 so he could eat them.


Governor Darkin / Tarkin
"We did landline the local system terrorized."
Played by: Guy Henry, Peter Cushing (stock footage)
Originally called: Wilhuff Tarkin

  • Meta Guy: He seems to have a high level of Medium Awareness. In The Novelty Desire, he points out that the argument his allies are having on the Station Wagon makes no sense. In Reply is Minus, he invokes Pandering to the Base by explaining to Governor Pryce that a particular plot development was done to "give audience the treat".
  • No Respect Guy: At one point in Reply is Minus, Pryce bluntly calls him an idiot, and in The Novelty Desire Tagge tells him to get banged. Despite being of higher rank than them, he just sits there and takes it.
  • Poke the Poodle: He announces during a meeting that he's making threatening phone calls to local systems.

    Aunt Voru 

Aunt Voru / Aunt Sefrou
"Gospel of Luke the gospel of Luke!"
Played by: Bonnie Piesse, Shelagh Fraser (stock footage)
Originally called: Beru Lars

    Reach The Man 

Reach The Man / Reaching the Man Cloth Space / The Emperor

Originally called: Darth Plagueis

A strong and big West Emperor who could come back from the brink of death and create life using the original dint. He was supposedly killed by his land at least once, but he might still be out there somewhere.

  • Ambiguous Situation: R2 is sermingly named after him, but which connection they share is unknown.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: Reach is the man.
  • Death Seeker: Might have engineered his own (temporary) death so he could sleep.
  • The Emperor: Is said to have held this title. Apparently The D inherited this title, as he is called the same way.
  • Evil Is Bigger: Speaker D said he was big.
  • Gaia's Vengeance:
    • One possible interpretation of The D's claims that Reach the Man was killed by "his land", presumably due to him creating life.
    • It's also possible that it was precisely this experiment which gave his land sentiency in the first place, making it a case of Turned Against Their Masters.
  • Genius Bruiser: He was a master of Wish Force who could weave life at his whim, and apparently also a big, strong dude as well.
  • The Ghost: As in the original, he does not appear onscreen (unless R2 really is him...). However, given that he already resurrected himself once and that D speaks of him in present tense, it is implied he is actually alive somewhere.
  • The Insomniac: He apparently had to be killed by his land before he could go to bed. Could also be an example of The Sleepless.
  • Mercy Kill: Possibly. Speaker D claims that Reach the Man was killed by his land so he could go to bed.
  • Orcus on His Throne: Dialogue both hints and implies him to be alive during the events of the series, but he has no presence in them, possibly because he preferred to pass his title and role to Speaker D.
  • Retired Badass: D is now the Emperor, just like Reach used to be, which implies he passed on his title to him and then retired from activity.
  • The Strength of Ten Men: D compares his Black Influence understanding to that of "Many Supermans".
  • Unexplained Recovery: He apparently lost his power and died at some point, somehow got better, and then was killed a second time so that he could go to bed. It's even possible that he is alive yet again now, since The D refers to him in present tense. Though Allah Gold did say that he could "come back from the brink of death," so nothing of this should be surprising.

    The Good Elephant 

The Good Elephant

Originally called: Not in original film.

A mysterious figure connected with the Hopeless Situation, mentioned several times but never seen. Knows how to fly airships. Could be some sort of sacred animal for the Presbyterian Church. May be owned by The Plum Of (Allah Gold talks to her about "your elephant"). Might have had some involvement with the fair that happened the day before the film started.

  • Canon Foreigner: Introduced into the story thanks to a translation glitch in the subtitles.Explanation 
  • Dung Fu: Seems to be skilled in this, probably for being an elephant and well, producing a lot of dung.
    Allah Gold: The Good Elephant in airship dropped what things?
  • Face–Heel Turn: He's mentioned in The Novelty Desire by Mr. Thoreau as working for the Empire. Although, he doesn't seem to have changed otherwise.
  • The Ghost: Allah Gold, Ratio Tile and The D all talk about the Good Elephant, but we never actually see him.
  • Honorable Elephant: Very much regarded this way.
  • War Elephants: With the twist of being involved in airship combat.
  • You Killed My Father: After turning to the Dark World, Allah Gold suggests the Good Elephant caused his mother's death.
    Allah Gold: I can't lose again. Your elephant loses my mother so.
    • Maybe he assigned the elephant to guard his mother, but he failed to protect her?

Characters Introduced In The Novelty Desire

    Mr. Thoreau 

Mr. Luck Thoreau / Chinese / Korea / Hunt / Han Cable Luo
"Our passengers must be hotter than I imagined."
Played by: Alden Ehrenreich, Harrison Ford (stock footage)
Originally called: Han Solo

Captain of the Falcon Millennium, a boastful starship pilot hired by Ratio Tile to transport himself, Gospel and the robots to Alderaan. His copilot is Drag Along.

  • Ambiguously Bi: In The Novelty Desire, he asks Gospel of Luke "Do you think guys like me?" Gospel shuts down the discussion with a curt "Do not want!"
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: "Luck Thoreau" could qualify.
  • Busman's Holiday: His vacation on Hose is disrupted when the Empire invades.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Sarcastically asks an unconscious Gospel of Luke for an autograph while rescuing him in The Counterattack Collection
    • Somehow manages to make the Roman numeral "XIV" sound sarcastic.
  • Do Wrong, Right: Tells his son to trust Snooker/Snoopy because he's abusing his power.
  • Hollywood Atheist: Refers to Luke as "Gospel crazy" to Drag Along. Possibly subverted in Flies Are A Sober Force, where he proclaims his knowledge of the Gospel.
  • Last-Name Basis: No one ever calls him by his first name, even after he reveals it in The Novelty Desire.
  • Odd Friendship: May have one with Snooker/Snoopy, given the fact that he urges his son to trust the former. However, he also tells him that Snoopy is abusing his power
  • Related in the Adaptation: Is the child of Java in this version.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: His immediate reaction to the presence of mynocks on the Falcon Millenium is to attempt to abandon the ship.
  • The Mentally Disturbed: Admits that he suffers from depression in Ranger Soro.
  • Took a Level in Jerkass: In The Counterattack Collection, he's completely indifferent to the rebels' cause, preferring to take a vacation instead of helping them with the war effort. He also acts disgusted by Bong Day and taunts her in the hallway. On board the Falcon, he also threatens to have Blow the Skin terminated if he doesn't shut up. He even calls himself a villain to Bong Day when they're on the Falcon.
    • He agrees to do "nothing" to help his son in Flies Are A Sober Force. He even plans to abandon him when he's clearly under duress.

    General Dodonna 

General Dodonna
"Then you can fold, it is a person's strength."
Played by: Alex McCrindle (stock footage)
Originally called: General Dodonna


"Repeated smooth sleeves."
Played by: Denis Lawson (stock footage)
Voiced by: Jeffrey Foley
Originally called: Wedge Antilles


"This R2 unit has a crime motive. example."
Originally called: R5-D4


Biggs / Bix
"Jazz, who bitch pilots?"
Played by: Garrick Hagon (stock footage)
Originally called: Biggs Darklighter

    Red Leader 

Red Leader
"Reports in all aspects."
Played by: Drewe Henley (stock footage)
Originally called: Garven Dreis

  • Skewed Priorities: As in the image to the right, he does order a fellow pilot to stop talking, but only in order to speed up the offensive music.


"Gold is the leader."
Played by: Angus MacInnes (stock footage)
Voiced by: Archie Macmillan
Originally called: Dutch Vander

  • One Steve Limit: Gold Leader is called Jinling, as is someone from Hopeless Situation Return who's told to reproduce.


Java 7 / Java 5 / Advanced Java
"As long as my child, you let me down."
Voiced by: Archie Macmillan
Originally called: Jabba the Hutt

    General Tagge 

General Tagge
"Rebel Alliance has good arms."
Played by: Don Henderson (stock footage)
Originally called: General Tagge

    Admiral Motti 

Admiral Motti
"This way your medicine men, we do not surprise Lord Vader."
Played by: Richard LeParmentier (stock footage)
Voiced by: Archie Macmillan.
Originally called: Admiral Motti

  • Drugs Are Bad: Inverted. During his discussion with Vader, he suggests himself and his aides to medicate themselves in order to improve their dialectics.


"a day after the fair!"
Voiced by: Archie Macmillan.
Originally called: Greedo

Characters Introduced in The Counterattack Collection and Hopeless Situation Return

    Lang California 

Lang California / Carly / Lanta / LAN·card Swiss SIM / Carrisin / Rondo / Rando / Lando Cary Louisiana /Ran'o
"You look absolutely bright."
Played by: Donald Glover, Billy Dee Williams (stock footage)
Voiced by: Eli Harris
Originally called: Lando Calrissian
An old friend of Mr. Thoreau, California is in charge of an "Empire of Love" despite claiming to be the manager of a factory.

    Pakistan Fee Special 

Pakistan Fee Special
"If not, where do you live? I'll send him a lot of things."
Played by: Jeremy Bulloch, Daniel Logan, Temuera Morrison (stock footage)
Originally called: Boba Fett

  • The Sleepless: Implied. Reach the West makes a point of singling him out, saying "No, you can not collapse."


"There are thousands of wild geese on the trail."
Played by: Michael Sheard (stock footage)
Originally called: Admiral Kendal Ozzel

Admiral Ozzel is - if Reach the West is to be believed - "like a clumsy man." This Imperial officer is argumentative and overconfident, and generally refuses to listen to any advice, regardless of where in the command-chain it comes from. He is eventually executed by Reach the West for his many failures.

    The Head of the Medical Group 

The Head of the Medical Group / Admiral
"Thank You Lord Gift."
Played by: Kenneth Colley (stock footage)
Originally called: Firmus Piett

A competent and loyal officer on the Executor who gets promoted as commander of the operation after Ozzel is choked to death.

  • Character Death: Killed as a Rebel/Union boat crashes into his boat.
  • Cowardly Lion: Has that face in The Counterattack Collection as he serves under Lord Bader.
  • Disease Bleach: He is disgusted as Lord Bader brought in Bounty Hunter.
    The Head of the Medical Group: Bounty Hunter. We do not need their garbage.
  • Obliquely Obfuscated Occupation: He is called "The Head of the Medical Group" in The Counterattack Collection, but in that movie and Hopeless Situation Return, there is never a scene where he commands medical operations.
  • You Are in Command Now: Bader puts him immediately in command after choking Ozzel.

    Lord Vader 

Lord Vader
Played by: Michael Pennington (stock footage)
Originally called: Moff Jerjerrod

  • Ambiguous Situation: Either he just happens to have the same name as Reach the West, or he's attempting to impersonate Reach the West while standing right in front of him. Maybe it is some kind of watchword he and Reach the West share?
  • One Steve Limit: Is also called Lord Vader, a name shared with Reach The West/Lord Bader.


"And taking backup client jazz master chamber."
Originally called: EV-9D9

  • Villainous Crush: Expresses awe at Blow the Skin's looks. He even demands that she join his jazz band.

Characters Introduced in Ghost The Threat and The Duplicate Offensive

    Kui Tribute 

Kui Tribute / Qui-Gon
"You fuck my young apprentice, a lot to learn."
Played by: Liam Neeson (stock footage)
Originally called: Qui-Gon Jinn

A Hopeless Situation Master sent from Earth to deal with the crises on South Korea. Is also Ratio Tile's teacher, and the one to discover The Peaceful Is Willing To's potential. He is unfortunately killed by The Main West at the end of Ghost The Threat, but it's later implied that he has managed to live on in "another world".

  • Ambadassador: He and Ratio Tile are the best ones there are, in his own humble opinion.
  • Ambiguously Human: Although he looks human, he claims to be a MIDI chlorian. Nothing weird by the standards of the Hopeless Situation Warriors, though.
  • Handicapped Badass: He reveals to Allah Gold at dinner that he's blind.
  • Human Aliens: He looks indistinguishable from a normal human, despite possibly being a MIDI chlorian.
  • Jive Turkey: Uses this to talk down to Bottle when they first meet up.
    "I said. You do not intelligent the speak."
  • Misery Builds Character: He believes it, claiming that "Hurt provide benefits to us."
  • Named by the Adaptation: Zig-Zagged Trope. Backstroke of the West literally cut out the only mention of his name, leading to Ratio Tile mouthing it silently in the dub. The fan prequel Ghost The Threat restores his original name.
  • Napoleon Delusion: Downplayed Trope. He briefly believes himself to be the queen (of South Korea, presumably) after running and then having a big sword fight in the middle of the hot desert, but he gets over it before he has time to mention it to anyone.
  • Skewed Priorities: Takes a detour from an important mission just to get tattoos.
  • Teacher/Student Romance: Is implied to have had one with Ratio Tile. At the very least, he taught him the art of fucking (and possibly swearing, too). It might also have been what Ratio meant when he said that he "did" Allah Gold's teacher during the latter's youth.
  • Tomato in the Mirror: While in Africa, he realizes that he is a "MIDI chlorian."


Bottle / Soldiers Augsburg
"Bottle ice paragraph. Mesa your humble servant."
Played by: Ahmed Best (stock footage)
Originally called: Jar Jar Binks

  • The Alcoholic: He's nicknamed Bottle and clearly looks a bit off through the entire film.
  • Innocently Insensitive: He asks The Plum Of if her name is Hussein — which is a male name. She doesn't seem to mind.
  • Likes Older Women: In his words, he's "DOEN [sic] a housewife!"

    Climbing nak 

Climbing nak
At least his name no longer sounds like "pancake."
Played by: Hugh Quarshie (stock footage)
Originally called: Captain Panaka

  • Captain Obvious: When Ray Gun plans to invade South Korea and cuts off all external communication, he tells The Plum Of "This is a situation, Your Highness."

    Mother of Gold 

Mother of Gold
"You have brought shame."
Played by: Pernilla August (stock footage)
Originally called: Shmi Skywalker

  • Fantasy-Forbidding Father: Rather than happy, she is inexplicably ashamed of Gold's victory in the race, implying she considers the whole thing a disgraceful pastime for Gold to partake in.
  • I Have No Son!: Inverted. Her son disowns her when he leaves Africa, saying "I have no mother. I promise." This is partly because she's ashamed of him for winning the Ford race.
  • Missing Mom: Allah Gold tells The Plum Of that the Good Elephant lost her.


"Not my very blame. Sebulba flashed me with his hole."
Originally called: Sebulba

An alien Ford Racer pilot and one of The Peaceful Is Willing To's biggest rivals. He seems to be quite a Jerkass.

    God Hammer 

The Main West / God Hammer
"What's up?"
Played By: Ray Park (stock footage)
Originally called: Darth Maul

A Big sent to Africa by the West Emperor to hunt down the Plum Of and the two Hopeless Situations protecting her. Later, he partakes in the battle of South Korea, where he kills Qui-Gon and seemingly dies by Ratio Tile's hand.

    Las Vegas Cliegg 

Las Vegas Cliegg
Must say, 'Las Vegas Cliegg' is a pretty cool name.
Played by: Jack Thompson (stock footage)
Originally called: Cliegg Lars

  • Dub Name Change: Downplayed. He gets to keep his first name, but its becomes his last name while his first name is changed to Las Vegas. Unless that’s a nickname.
  • The Gambling Addict: Judging by his nickname.


"Hello, Dexamethasone."
Originally called: Dexter Jettster

    Django Pets 

Django Pets / Taunus Pulling (To One Bodgen)
"I was called Taunus pulling to one Bogden hiring satellites."
Played by: Temuera Morrison (stock footage)
Originally called: Jango Fett

A bounty hunter, and the father of Pakistan Fee Special.

  • Ambiguous Syntax: It is unclear whether his job was hiring satellites when his name was Taunus Pulling To One Bogden, or a satellite hirer named Bogden nicknamed him Taunus Pulling.
  • Awesomeness by Analysis: His ability to "note" allows him to navigate an asteroid field.
  • Boxed Crook: Ratio Tile tries to make him go along with a scheme against Obi-Wan, which involves getting close to him for weeks. The conversation then turns to details about his previous job, suggesting Ratio Tile is trying to blackmail him with that information.
  • Given Name Reveal: Tells Ratio Tile what his old name was in a dramatic way.
  • Honey Trap: Implied to be the job Ratio Tile wants him to do with Obi-Wan.
  • No Respect Guy: Django isn't well-thought of by the Caminoans, who disparagingly refer to him as a "so-called bounty hunter." What we see of his fighting ability sharply contradicts this. However, if we consider that the Caminoans breed entire armies, maybe they simply don't believe a single soldier can serve a purpose regardless how badass he is.
  • Unfortunate Names: Going by the surname "Pets" is possibly the reason why the Caminoans consider him unworthy of being a bounty hunter, as he otherwise proves to be a skilled fighter.



Originally called: Sifo-Dyas

  • Adaptation Name Change: Possibly the most bewildering one in the whole series.
  • The Ghost: Ratio Tile talks of him as if he was alive, unlike the real movie where he was a Posthumous Character, but he still doesn't show up.
  • One Steve Limit: Don't confuse him with Ratio Tile, who was called Obi-Wan in the original franchise. He's a different character.
  • Spared by the Adaptation: He is still alive in this version, as Ratio Tile orders Django to get close to him over the next few weeks. This never goes anywhere, as Django won't follow his script and makes a run for it with his son.

Characters Introduced in Flies Are A Sober Force, The Final Hopeless Situation and The Emergence of the Weather by the Rows


Eyebrows / Swiss / Thunder / Wait / Shooting Line / FireWire / Ray Iraq / Lei
"I am Jedi Wushi."
Played by: Daisy Ridley (stock footage)
Originally called: Rey


Thoreau Jr. / Kellogg / Classes / Cairo / Bansoro / Carlo / Solomon class / Ronaldo / London Kellogg / Kellogg-Jan / Padin / John R. Jenkello / Karen / Book
"Black face. This is our nature."
Played by: Adam Driver (stock footage)
Originally called: Kylo Ren
The son of Thoreau and Leah (somehow), he is the apprentice of Snooker and the leader of the Regime, who want to eliminate sex.
  • Adaptational Wimp: Kylo in canon is a moderately trained lightsaber wielder and only lost to Rey due to outside factors crippling him; Kellogg lost to Swiss even though she never grabbed a lightsaber, simply by hitting himself with his own lightsaber, although that could just have been Snooker gaslighting him.
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: He's Gospel's nephew and Reach The West's grandson, so of course he gets to drop at least one "Do not want!" in The Final Hopeless Situation.
  • Brutal Honesty: Tells Wait through their Wish Power Bond that her parents abandoned her way earlier than he does in canon.
  • Cannot Talk to Women: Although, in his own words, he has heard a lot about them.
  • Celibate Hero: Inverted. He's the supreme readers of the Regime, but gets mad at Eyebrows/Swiss/Thunder for not following the Hopeless Situation standards.
    Kellogg: You are jedi... But you keep cumming other.
  • Death Seeker: He abruptly tells Eyebrows that she has to kill him during her interrogation.
  • Epic Fail: He lost to Swiss not because she beat him in a lightsaber duel, but because he beat himself with his own lightsaber and knocked himself unconscious.
  • Evil Eyebrows: His are noticeable enough that Supreme Readers Snooker points them out.
  • Invisibility: Might have this, as Eyebrows comments to Gospel that his body is no longer visible.
  • Just Following Orders: Tells Mr. Thoreau that he was assigned. However, he also states that he wants the pain of freedom.
  • Meaningful Name: He leads the Regime, which wants to eliminate sex, and carries the name of John Harvey Kellogg, a real life American doctor (yep, the one of the corn flakes) who endorsed male circumcision without anesthetics as a mean to eliminate masturbation.
  • Politically Incorrect Villain: Urges Eyebrows/Swiss/Thunder to do Blackface with him multiple times.
  • Shipper on Deck: After being berated by Snooker for losing to Swiss via hitting himself with his own sword and then destroying his helmet, he claims that "he's ready to ship", meaning it's either this trope or he also works at a delivery company.
  • The Unintelligible: Just like in the original film, Marry/Poe has a hard time understanding him. Ironically, he now mentions this in a completely different sentence.
  • Unexplained Recovery: According to himself, he was killed along with his twin son. This does nothing to slow him down.

    Feet of People 

Feet of People / Pin / Finland / Needle / Finnish Syrians
"What? No, no, no. I want to destroy you."
Played by: John Boyega (stock footage)
Originally called: Finn

  • Captain Obvious: Shortly after meeting Jenner, he informs her that "You are you."
  • Disabled in the Adaptation: Ross instructs him to turn on his machine foot during the battle of Crait, implying that unlike his canonical counterpart, Feet of People is an amputee.
  • Has a Type: Upon meeting Ross for the first time, he tells her that he "can not resist a hero."
  • Heel–Face Revolving Door: Whether or not he's on Marry's side or the First Order's seems to vary from moment to moment.
  • I'll Kill You!: He takes Marry aside to tell him he wants to destroy him.
  • Leaning on the Fourth Wall: Notes that "Everything here is very ridiculous."
  • The Starscream: Shortly after defecting, he declares that he and Marry can be the First Order.


Marry / Wave / Daimlun / Slope / El Paso / Singapore
"I'm a bit unlucky in Jimmy."
Played by: Oscar Isaac (stock footage)
Originally called: Poe Dameron
An IRA terrorist that has joined up with the Resistance.
  • Anti-Hero: Apparently works for the IRA, yet is with the heroes in the film.
  • Depopulation Bomb: Anguishly announces that he has let "everyone be eliminated" as that was a way to save the world.
  • The Fatalist: Shortly before starting their mission to Ike's World Gaelic, he tells the members of the rebellion that "for everyone, we are lost."
  • Flat "What": His response to Holdo's speech is to ask his robot "What is that?"
  • Honest Corporate Executive: He's apparently on the Resistance Board of Directors.
  • The Oldest Profession: His previous job apparently consisted of being a "hot girl."
  • Only Sane Man: He's one of the few characters that realizes how weird everything around him is while discussing Holdo's plans. However, he doesn't show this side of himself again.
  • Porn Stash: He apparently has one which may or may not include pictures of Finland. He gets annoyed with BB-8 when he thinks the robot burnt it all.
  • Stepford Smiler: May be one, since he mentions that the attack on Jiajia's boat is sad.
  • The StoryTeller: Tells Thoreau Jr. that he wants to tell him a story once he's done telling his.
  • Token Evil Teammate: Is in the heroes' side, yet he seems to be an IRA terrorist.

    Supreme Readers Snooker 

Supreme Readers Snooker / Snoopy / Snooker Supremo / Top Leadership / Sri Lanka Knox
"Hey, you hurt you."
Played by: Andy Serkis (stock footage)
Originally called: Supreme Leader Snoke
The Supreme Readers of the Regime, Snooker is Kellogg’s master and revealed to be Speaker D’s puppet.


Pictured: BB-8 Zhu Microblogging
Originally called: BB-8

    Hussein Hess 

General Hux / Hussein Hess / The army of Herkus
"The regime ended intolerance!"
Played by: Domhnall Gleeson (stock footage)
Originally called: General Hux

"You are a system of pests!"
Played by: Gwendoline Christie (stock footage)
Originally called: Captain Phasma


Maas / Maz
"And now, I'll give you a call."
Played by: Lupita Nyong'o (stock footage)
Originally called: Maz Kanata

  • Skewed Priorities: When everyone is worried about finding the West Emperor, she apparently gets bored and decides to go on an egg hunt instead.


Ross / Rose
Played by: Kelly Marie Tran (stock footage)
Originally called: Rose Tico


"I talk about condition."
Played by: Benicio del Toro (stock footage)
Originally called: DJ

  • Adaptational Jerkass: The original was implied to be just a scoundrel who stole to make a living in his daily life; his decision to betray the Resistance, while morally questionable, was his only way to save himself at the time, and he was visibly not proud of it. This version of him, meanwhile, is a ruthless businessman who profits from slavery and other shady activities, and he openly states he goes around screwing up people without provocation, hinting he was thinking on selling Feet and Ross all the time.
  • Card-Carrying Villain: Has no problem revealing he goes around selling good people as slaves.
  • Corrupt Corporate Executive: Implied to have been one in any case. He talks about exporting citrus fruit (possibly a parallel to the United Fruit Company) and has dabbled in the slave trade.
  • The Don: Possibly.
  • Evil Cripple: A slaver and powerful businessman who claims to suffer from an unspecified medical condition. He might be referring to the original character's stutter, only he doesn't show it this time.
  • Evil, Inc.: He runs either one or possibly a criminal syndicate that uses a legitimate fruit company as a front.
  • Greed: More so than the original. As far as we know, he's powerful enough to be able to manage his citrus fruit business in prison, and also seems interested in expanding to oil drilling. Clearly he's got all the money in the world and yet still goes as far as to betray allies and sell people into slavery.
  • Might as Well Not Be in Prison at All: While in prison he talks about blocking his fruit exports in present-tense, implying he's still running his fruit company even behind bars.
  • Mistaken For Royalty: By the First Order.
  • The Rich Want to Be Richer: By his own admission, he is already a wealthy businessman, yet he's capable of horrible things only to gain even more money.
  • Slavery Is a Special Kind of Evil: Apparently sold 'a good man' into slavery.
  • Token Evil Teammate: For the duration of the time he's helping out Finland and Ross, seeing as he openly admits to selling people into slavery even before he betrays them.

    Captain Jiajia Di 

Captain Jiajia Di
"Install automatic guns?"
Played by: Mark Lewis Jones (stock footage)
Originally called: Captain Moden Canady

The Captain of a fearless boat in the First Order.

  • Skewed Priorities: He asks his crew if they can install automatic guns... during the Resistance's attack on his ship.
  • Race Lift: Has a Chinese name despite otherwise looking Caucasian.


"I think you are lonely single."
Played by: Keri Russell (stock footage)
Originally called: Zorii Bliss

  • Evil Colonialist: Tells Marry that she wants to colonize when she leaves the planet Jimmy.


"I own all the children."
Played by: Naomi Acker (stock footage)
Originally called: Jannah
A child slaver who joins up with the Resistance, she takes an interest in Feet.
  • Slavery Is a Special Kind of Evil: Tells Feet of People that she was recruited just because she owns all the children.
  • Time for Plan B: When the rebellion is being overpowered by the Western fleet, she announces her plan B, which apparently consists of "touching her hair."


"I will increase their sources of funding."
Played by: Richard E. Grant (stock footage)
Originally called: Allegiant General Pryde

Characters Introduced in Grand Theft Auto

    Piano Prince 

Piano Prince
"Give me only pain."
Played by: Felicity Jones (stock footage)
Originally called: Jyn Erso

    Cassian Andorra 

Cassian Andorra
"There is nothing wrong with it."
Played by: Diego Luna (stock footage)
Originally called: Cassian Andor

  • Mirror Character: To Piano, regarding their relative ruthlessness and amorality in the name of fighting and surviving the Empire. He even straight-up tells her that they're the same before they head to Scarlett.

    Quincy Kunnick 

Quincy Kunnick
"I seem to have heard this sentence."
Played by: Ben Mendelsohn (stock footage)
Originally called: Orson Krennic

  • Adaptational Nationality: Quincy is apparently Australian, as he's mentioned as being the secretary of Queensland. He also uses some Australian vernacular. Fittingly, he's played by an Australian actor.
  • Cut Lex Luthor a Check: Wants to use the Dead Star to destroy... a satellite.
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Claims to want to bring peace and security to the Milky Way.

    Old K 

Old K
"Congratulations. You are being objects including sex workers."
Played by: CGI (stock footage)
Originally called: K-2S0

    Bodhi Luke 

Bodhi Luke
"A bit narrow, but we can squeeze a squeeze."
Played by: Riz Ahmed (stock footage)
Originally called: Bodhi Rook

    Xi Lu Yingwei 

Xi Lu Yingwei
"Pay the money to know the answer."
Played by: Donnie Yen (stock footage)
Originally called: Chirrut Imwe

  • Adaptational Jerkass: The original Chirrut was a benevolent mystic who aided the heroes voluntarily, while here he's just seeking to make a buck.
  • Only in It for the Money: Implied. He demands money from Piano to give her an answer.

    Bazma Blessed 

Bazma Blessed
"He will open the door in prayer."
Played by: Jiang Wen (stock footage)
Originally called: Baze Malbus

  • You Are Too Late: Comments that "[he] feels quite late." It's not specified for what though, as the sentence ends there.


Gregory / Sophie / Soglila / Sorrera / Sogrel / Sogelui / Soglina / Sogui Rui / Guarrera / Guerui La / Soglilla
"I do not have one day..."
Played by: Forest Whitaker (stock footage)
Originally called: Saw Gerrera

    Galen Ursor 

Galen Ursor
"My brains are not as good as before."
Played by: Mads Mikkelsen (stock footage)
Originally called: Galen Erso

Characters introduced in Ranger Soro

    Chi La 

Chi La / Qi
"Han we joust."
Played by: Emilia Clarke (stock footage)
Originally called: Qi'ra

    Baker Beckett 

Baker Beckett
"A fly went on in our heads."
Played by: Woody Harrelson (stock footage)
Originally called: Tobias Beckett

    Kleinden Worth 

Kleinden Worth / Drayden Voss / Durden / de Wright
"If you have an accident, I will be sad and dead."
Played by: Paul Bettany (stock footage)
Originally called: Dryden Vos

  • Obliviously Evil: He's very surprised upon being informed that he's started some fire.
  • Living Emotional Crutch: He reveals that he's unable to break his relationship with Chi La and basically admits that he would commit suicide if she ever had an accident.


"I'm really excited to take this live."
Played by: Phoebe Waller-Bridge (stock footage)
Originally called: L3-37

Characters Introduced in The Mendelssohn


Mendel / Jilgim
"The weapon is a gift of my religion."
Played by: Pedro Pascal (stock footage)
Originally called: Din Djarin/The Mandalorian

A Mendelssohn who worked previously as a designer and now is an accountant who fishes for pleasure and hosts a radio show. Finds The Boy on one of his travels and decides to cultivate it.

  • Adaptational Skill: Apparently worked/works as a designer, accountant, fisherman, and radio host according to different people.
  • Adaptation Relationship Overhaul: Is apparently Graph Loader's wife.
  • Ambiguous Gender: While he is referred to as male most of the time, Graph Loader refers to him as his wife at one point. Could count as Samus Is a Girl if Mendel is indeed female.
  • Composite Character: The final line of Greenhouses seems to imply that he is in truth The. This could just be an aversion of the One Steve Limit, though.
  • Race Lift: Despite being played by a Chilean-American actor, he admits to being white in Greenhouses.
  • Related in the Adaptation: Either The Boy or Kara Kara is his sister.
    • Since Kara Kara mentions that they "grew up together", the most logical reasoning would be that Omera was referring to her.
  • The Stoner: Greenhouses sees Mendel outright tell Omera that he's high, though he seemingly manages to kick the habit once all is said and done.

    The Boy 

The Boy
"Hi! Cut it out."
Played by: CGI (stock footage)
Originally called: The Child

  • Related in the Adaptation: Assuming Omera was talking about him instead of Kara Kara following the showdown with the pirates, the Boy might possibly be Mendel's sister.

    Graph Loader 

Graph Loader
"There is no dishwater."
Played by: Carl Weathers (stock footage)
Originally called: Greef Karga

    A Blanket 

A Blanket
"The path is impossible without a mountain of depression."
Played by: Misty Rosas (stock footage)
Originally called: Kuiil

    Eye- 11 

"The lawyer said I could not be arrested."
Played by: CGI (stock footage)
Originally called: IG-11

  • Determinator: He rids himself of the idea of losing.
  • Eating Machine: Possibly. He refers to the Boy as "food" but it is unclear if he means food for himself or food for others.
  • I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently sees the Boy as food.

    Kara Kara 

Kara Kara Clear The West
"See, they are very high"
Played by: Gina Carano (stock footage)
Originally called: Cara Dune

  • Precision F-Strike: As with other military leaders before her, she yells out "Bull" during the climatic showdown with the pirates and their walker.
  • Related in the Adaptation: She may or may not be Mendel's sister here, depending on whether Omera was referring to her or the Boy.
  • Unconfessed Unemployment: Inverted. She outright mentions that she is looking for a job.

Characters Introduced in Reply is minus


Ezra / Era Bridge
"Ready to Dance!"
Originally called: Ezra Bridger

  • Face–Heel Turn: According to a Hopeless Situation Temple Guard, he'll stop being a Christian and start worshipping the devil in the future.
  • The Illegal: Wants to go to the United States.
  • Hidden Depths: He's a good dancer who also has a worshipper who believes him to be divine.
  • Precocious Crush: Has one on Chicken Jarrus and even wants to fuck him.
  • Skewed Priorities: Hanging from a cliff doesn't stop him from trying to paint the rocks. Also, in spite of looking for advice from Vanquish Is, he also asks him if it's wrong to bathe in the Hopeless Situation.
  • The Slacker: He's one until he decides to work in a planet in "Dark Envelope", he's stopped from this by the Inquisition from the Empire of the First Choice.

    Chicken Jarrus 

Chicken Jarrus / Kanan
"I came on knowledge"
Originally called: Kanan Jarrus

  • The Alcoholic: He apparently is this to the point that Ezra almost calls Alcoholic Anonymous to treat him.
  • Boomerang Bigot: Apparently hates blind people, despite him being blind since his duel with God Hammer.
  • Consummate Liar: Orders Ray Iraq to "spread lies" in the heart of the Hopeless Situation at the climax of The Ninth Gathers.
  • Embarrassing First Name: "Chicken" isn't exactly a name befitting a Hopeless Situation Warrior.
  • Extreme Omnisexual: He once masturbated to Hopeless Situation knowledge.


"You have rights. I do not."
Originally called: Garazeb Orrelios

  • The Fundamentalist: Seems to be concerned whether or not children still praise the lord.
  • Heroic Self-Deprecation: Casually states he has no rights.
    • Though this may be him complaining about the Empire of the First Choice's Fantastic Racism.
  • Will Not Tell a Lie: Possibly. According to Cinderella, his honesty is a Great J-cloth Space, though this could mean the exact opposite, since we have no idea what a Great J-cloth Space is.


"You come on me"
Originally called: Bendu


Ahsoka / Exoka Tano / Ahsuka Tanu / Storage Area
"He almost lost the chess game on the bus, a powerful"
Originally called: Ahsoka Tano

  • Adaptation Explanation Extrication: Due to only appearing in a single short episode in the Gatherings continuity, we have absolutely no explanation for who she is. It is implied that she did once meet Allah Gold, though which relationship they had is unknown.
  • Adaptation Relationship Overhaul: She apparently has sexual relations with Chicken, or at least wants to, judging by this line:
    "Who are we and what we no longer breed?"
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: Says "Do not want!" at one point. Considering that she may have been Allah Gold's disciple, it makes sense.

    General Cinderella 

General Cinderella
"Chairman Mao must mobilize teams better than us"
Originally called: Hera Syndulla


"Don't worry, Sabin. I will lead us to the united states."
Originally called: Sabine Wren

  • Ambiguously Human: States at one point that she was a rock station. It is unknown if she means a station (as in a location) made of rock, or if she was a radio station which played rock music. It could also be a metaphorical way of saying she was the host of a radio station which played rock music.
  • The Illegal: Ezra appears to be helping her enter the United States.

    Rolls Royce 

Rolls Royce
Thus far, that's the extent of his character
Originally called: Captain Rex


"In dental clinics, two progress update"
Originally called: Grand Admiral Thrawn

  • Noodle Incident: He was apparently saved from hell by pirates after being sent there by the rebels, though when and how is still ambiguous.
  • Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Apparently, at one point, the D was overthrown by a new emperor. Thrawn killed this new emperor, and the D is assumed to has taken his job back. This is implied to have happened just before Thrawn first appears.
  • Pet the Dog: Is apparently concerned about the Empire's dental clinics.


"I am the seven fleets"

Originally called: Arihnda Pryce

    Commander Sato 

Commander Sato
"You could be the next target of the united states army"
Originally called: Jun Sato

  • America Saves the Day: Subverted. He's afraid that the rebels will be the next target of the United States Army. Considering that the United States are established to be on the side of the Empire of the First Choice, these fears are not unwarranted.
  • Blasphemous Praise: Says that Ezra is "divinely wise".


"No, you will get your greedy slut, it cannot have a stock to double
Originally called: Hondo Ohnaka

    Hopeless Situation Temple Guard 

Hopeless Situation Temple Guard
"Do the fuck will be discarded"
Originally called: Grand Inquisitor

  • Adaptation Explanation Extrication: Unlike the original version, there is no indication that he was ever a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
  • Celibate Hero: Possibly. He states that "Do the fuck will be discarded" which could mean that Hopeless Situation Warriors who have sex are kicked out of the order.
  • Took a Level in Badass: He seems to think he has, as he states that "[he] was very average was once".

    The Spanish Inquisition 

The Spanish Inquisition
"In our secret mosque, it's going to be"
Originally called: Inquisitorius

Alternative Title(s): The Novelty Desire, Backstroke Of The West, The Counterattack Collection