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- At the start of Hercules Games, Jon is talking about Hercules. It then cuts to him playing a Disney Tarzan game.Jon: I'm playing a game based on my favorite Greek legend, Heracles!
[cut to Disney's Tarzan start screen on the television, an instrumental of "Two Worlds" playing in the background]
Jacques: I'm glad to see nothing has changed around here.
Jon: (singing the Tarzan theme) Two worlds, one family...
Jacques: Fuck this shit.
Jon: (heavily slurred) SON O' MAN LOOK TOOOO THE SKY—
- Also, Jacques delivering a laser-guided Take That! to Jon.Jon: I don't wanna stop playing games, or doin' the things I love to do with you, or even making this show!
Jacques: Hasn't stopped you before.note
Jon: I want to become immortal, too, Jacques, just like Hercules: by playing the twelve games of Herc- wait, what'd you fuckin' just say to me? [Stares]
- His introduction to the first game.
- Jon getting killed in the first five seconds of the first Commodore 64 game.Jon: (stares blankly)
Jacques: (chooses that moment to nibble on Jon's ear)
- The cameraman actually chuckled during that.
- Jon Googling "Is Hercules on the Commodore 64 supposed to suck balls".
- "DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD."
- Jon tries playing a Commodore 64 cassette game in a cassette player. It plays loud static as Jon stares ahead with the caption (ACTUAL NOISE IT MADE) at the bottom of the screen.
- His reaction to the shuffling skeleton enemy in one of the games.
- Zeus descending to the surface in Herc's Adventures. Jon is terrified as one of the animation frames shows Zeus in his skeletal form.Jon: Ah! Not yet, I'm too young!
- Zeus' warning of Hades and his minions.Zeus: Hades has many allies. In fact, there a couple of hundred of them just up ahead.
Jon: Couple of what of them?
Zeus: Couple of hundred of them
Jon: Couple of hundred of them.
Zeus: [distorted] COUPLE OF HUNDRED OF THEM just up ahead. (in mocking voice): So, good luck!
Jon: Thank you.
Zeus: Er, I mean...Good luck!
Jon: ...Thank you?
- In the complete opposite of Zeus above, Hades is near-inaudible:Hades: [very quietly] ᴴᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉ⋅⋅⋅ᴵ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ᵈᵉᶠᵉᵃᵗ ʸᵒᵘ⋅ ᵃᶰᵈ ᵗʰᵉᶰ ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᶫᵃᶰᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ⋅⋅⋅
Jon: Excuse me, Hades? Do you think you could speak up a bit?
Hades: ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᶫᵃᶰᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ⋅⋅⋅
Jon: "ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᶫᵃᶰᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ⋅⋅⋅" [Beat] "That's how he talks."
- The Star Wars-like text crawl."How'd that happen?"
- It becomes even funnier when you consider the game is made by LucasArts, which explains the inclusion of the Force theme in the game's soundtrack.
- Jon finds out Herc can eat gyros to get stronger. He goes into an epic opera-ballad about going to buy a gyro from a local Greek food stall. It then cuts to this.
- Jon explaining why he doesn't want to play Herc's Adventures as Atlanta or Jason.Jon: One's a...city in Georgia, THE OTHER'S A REGULAR NAME!
- Hercules Does What Nintendercules.
- "I'll get my suuuuuu-orrrd for you, Danny."
- "We're all livin' the human condition, but he is speakin' it.◊"
- Jon's reactions to Phil from the PS1 Hercules game apparently spouting gibberish at one point (including trying to phonetically spell it out with captions).
- Jon noticing that the Hercules: The Legendary Journeys game on the Nintendo 64 looks an awful lot like another game.Jon: Should have just called it The Legend of Hercules: Ocarina of Time if you catch my cold! Achoo!
- The terrible, grating music of the Hercules: the Legendary Journeys game on the Game Boy Color leads to Jon naming the save file "HLPME".
- "Hercules! Remember the scent of Mother!"
- "Hercules! Beware of Spite and Jealousy!"
- Jon's claims that the games he's reviewing just appear in his house, and the increasing worry in his voice every time he switches from game to game.
- "THESE GAMES JUST KEEP SHOWING UP IN MY HOUSE WHEN I'M SLEEPING, MAN."
- Jon's analysis of people saying they only talk to sailors:Jon: Well if that's the case, then you're probably gonna be pretty much limiting yourself to port towns honestly, and even then they're out to sea most of the time. Why aren't you on a boat? A boat would really be a better fit for you, also what the fuck, who says that?
Jon: Okay, first of all, what kind of occupation is stroller? What kind of town is this? How did anyone learn speech if everyone only talks to sailors and there AIN'T NO SAILORS 'ROUND TOWN?
- "Hey guys, I don't think you should be so rude to Hercules. HE'S THE SON OF ZEUS!"
- Jon talking about how a random NPC is too busy to throw out his seemingly dead cat, while constantly cutting to the NPC in question rapidly jerking his arm up and down in a way that looks like he's masturbating.
- "DEAR KIDS: PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELVES AND THEN SUE ME"
I don't really wanna become immortal that much anyways, it's too much hard work. You gotta keep watching people going in and out of the White House for the rest of time. No thanks, Samuel!
- Followed by this line he says as he kills himself over the assholeish townspeople giving him a hard time.
Goosebumps: Part 1
- The pumpkin with a goofy-looking face drawn on it.
- Jon's candy corn masterpiece: A pile of candy corn.
- "Jon, can you feel it? Magic is in the air. I'm going back in." *unintelligble noises*
- Jon trying to share the Halloween spirit with everyone.Jon: (goes outside) Hey everybody! Isn't it such a wonderful feeling?
Cabbie: Outta the way, asshole!
- Jon counting in Jacques:
- Jon's introduction of the Goosebumps book series, listing off some of the more notable stories, such as...Jon: "The Haunted School..." "The Headless Ghost!" "Y'CAN'T SKYEH ME!" "DEGHEUGHEUCLAKEVDOOM!" "Why I'm Afraid of Bees" — well, that's obvious, innit? "PIANA LESSONS CAN BE MOIDAH." "The Beast...From the East...?" Like, are we talkin', like, Asia, or Philadelphia?
- Being excited about seeing the show again, hoping it will be as good as he remembers:(Jon turns on the TV, the scene of Spidey falling off the stairs from "Say Cheese and Die!" is shown)Jon: Okay, it's horrible!
- Jon's bucket list:[x] Make fun of a kids show.
[_] Laugh at the disabled.
Jon: Man, I am just blazing through these!
- Jon's wonders in technology don't just apply to games: He's able to watch "Don't Go To Sleep!" by shoving the book into his NES.Jon: Get that in there; you gotta do it- you gotta do like a taco, 's a method.
- After Matt's mom says he won't be 12 forever:Jon: Or will he? (dances to Spooky Scary Skeletons)
- Earlier, after Matt's mom shuts down his request to sleep in the attic: "You dirty bitch!"
- "I don't even caaaaare if I stop takin' my meds; I'm not takin' em!"
- Jon noticing the dick-flashlight.
- "Someone wake up the camera man."
- "Endorse? Endorse what?"Jon: I thought sports were played outdorse.
- Jon comparing Matt's tackled scream to his Amiga computer starting up, and then showing the demonstration.
- His attempts to decipher the hockey coach's rambling. YMMV, but this just might be the best caption job Jon has ever done.Jon: We have Hockey Coach Man over here just makin'- OH! -just m-makin' a scene for everyone to enjoy!
- TEN MILLION DOLLARS
- AVADA KEDAVRA
- "Get blown out there, don't be like that guy, fucks like a little kid out there." *Non Specific Orgasm*
- Not to mention his theory concerning his acting:Jon: I feel like they gave this guy specific lines, but he just said "Fuck it." and did whatever he wanted and they were like "(mumbling) Lunch break, (mumbling) I don't care, just leave it."
- It's even funnier if you know the hockey coach is played by Don Cherry, a real life hockey commentator in Canada known for being controversial and being difficult to censor. So Jon's theory probably isn't that far off.
- Jon's growing confusion over the different alternate realities Matt jumps into.
- The moment when Matt's in a reality where he's a renowned doctor that is instructed to do a surgery on a delicate part of someone's brain.
- Jon's even seen wiping his brow with a towel as Matt's instructor states what could go wrong if the surgery ends up botched (and it's very easy to do so).
- One of the surgeons tells Matt that he'll need to remove his hockey skates.
- "IN TROUBLE" IS NOT A LOCATION.
- Jon singing to the tone of Matt's screams when entering the courtroom.
- Jon takes on the use of cinematography in the Reality Court.Judge: [face in extreme close up] Will the defendant please rise?
Jon: [face also in extreme close up] If the judge backs up a bit.
- "I'll be the judge of that." TRUE HORROR
- Matt being punished for hating reality, and Jon's interpretation.17 LIFE SENTENCES
5 LETHAL INJECTIONS
10 DECADES OF FAMILIAL SHAMING
- SURPRISE BUTTSEX!
- His idea of what the moral of the episode is:Jon: The moral of this story is "Never think, or else the secret police might catch you and kill you no matter what." (beyond pissed) It's good for the kids, if it's good for the adults!
Goosebumps: Part 2
- Once again, Jon is able to watch the Goosebumps episodes by shoving them into various video game consoles; he watches My Hairiest Adventure by inserting it into his Super Nintendo, and Ghost Beach by shoving it into his Dreamcast. While doing that last one, though, a random growling hand appears out of nowhere, slowly attempting to grab him.
- Jon doesn't like Larry.Jon: (cheerfully) Oh, Larry. You jus- a- st- you're a fucking asshole.
- The Chinese "captions" displayed when Lily speaks can translate as "Special course to use water to boil and then after that easy to use."
- Stroke that cat. [Beat] STROKE THAT CAT.
- The "undoctored footage" of the enthusiastic keyboard kid.
- Jon noticing how excited Larry is about the Instant Tan Lotion.Jon as Larry: (creepy voice) MM. YEAH. 'S MINE.
- STOP! STOP! STOP!
- The conversation between Larry and Lily about whether or not she has "new hair" in "unexpected" places leads Jon to joke that he'll be Mistaken for Pedophile soon.
- Leading to an edit of Larry Boyd looking at his... er... "new hair."Larry: [screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
Jon: (singing, holding operatically on a high C note) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
(An FBI warning screen spoof pops up with a sustained off-air bleep)
[YOU SICK FUCK: This program has been suspended indefinitely.]
- Leading to an edit of Larry Boyd looking at his... er... "new hair."
- This moment is disturbing as hell, but also hilarious.
- Larry's doctor acting unsure about his condition.Jon: Now, where did I put that "M.D."?
- "The moral of the story is real good on this one — it's 'Don't be unlucky and be a dog.' ... Thassa good one."
- DA GHOOOOOOOOST BEECH.
- The protagonists of "Ghost Beach", Jerry and Terri, are... unsympathetic.Jerry: Aw man, you and your dumb hobbies.
Jon [voiceover]: Yea, fuck you for being interested in things, you stupid bitch!
Jerry: Who makes wax rubbings?
Terri: [smugly] I do, because I'm interested in things.
Jon [voiceover]: Okay, first, I was kinda advocatin' for you 'cause he was bein' a dick for no reason, thought you were the victim, but now I can basically see that you're both pretentious fucks.
- Jon's reaction to one of the kids from Ghost Beach in a monster costume.Jon: Oh God, it's Whoopi Goldberg!
- "[Terri] could make Gandhi sound pretentious." (cut to a picture of Gandhi, now wearing blueblocker sunglasses and a fedora)
- Just like the last Halloween special, evil scary forces don't faze Jon.Jon: I'm going to enjoy this Halloween even if it kills me.
Pumpkin: (Voice of the Legion) And it WILL kill you, Mr. Tron!
Jon: (pissed) Shut up, scary jack-o-lantern, I don't give a fuck about your shit right now!
Pumpkin: (slightly embarrassed) I'm sorry, man, I didn't really realize you were going through a thing like that.Jon: (calmer) That's okay, just... think about how I feel next time, maybe.
- Jon's Gilligan Cut reaction to the creepy skeleton faces on Ghost Beach:Terri: (screams)
Jon: Oh, come on, Terri, lighten up, what are you screaming at?
Louisa: Stay with us, cousins!◊
- Jon compliments the nature of the Goosebumps series while mutilating the books in various fashions.
- Jon finishes the review with a pint of frothy brown ale, which Jacques tries to sip at.Jon: You can't drink that. Issch gonna be like the scene in A.I. where Haley Joel Osment eats th'spinach. Because his older brother is taunting him. [muffled] And also because you're a bird so you'll die of alcohol poisoning.
- The start of the review:Jon: Nothing like the smell of nog on Christmas Eve, eh Jacques?
Jacques: That's racist.
- Prior to this, we have Jon preparing his drink by cracking an egg over a glass of eggnog and using the shell as a garnish.
- Jacques' interpretation of the term "get nuts."
- Hearing Jacques' Machine Monotone voice saying "Hell yeah, boyee. Let's get nuts."
- There's also the adorable "Oopsie" when Jacques drops his nut.
- Jon cooking nuts.
- First, when he seasons the nuts, his pepper shaker sneezes.
- Then he starts singing, obviously intoxicated by the deadly toxins emitted by the nuts.
- Then later (a few days, or not, later) another nut explodes.
- Jon's analysis of the Home Alone face◊ throughout each of the movies.
- Jon's reaction to when the robbers start going exclusively after Kevin.
- Jon's reaction to what he believes is a potato as one of the traps.note Jon: Did I just pick up a fucking potato to stop robbers? (passes by a lightbulb trap) Oh, well, there's the lightbulb for it, at least, that's good. Now I can knock 'em out with my impressive science skills! (with potato-powered lightbulb) BRINKS NEW HOME POTATO SECURITY!
Jon: Are those... are those nails? Why can't I pick these up? There are real robbers in my house. There are real, hardened criminals in my house and about. I'm pretty sure nails would be infinitely more useful than potato.
- Then he expresses frustration at being unable to pick up the nails:
- After Kevin stops a robber with a trap when the robber is mere inches away from him, only to then moonwalk away from the scene.Jon: Did I just trip up that robber... with a spider... and then do a moonwalk? (drops controller) THAT'S IT! THIS IS THE BEST GAME EVER! CUE THE SONG AND DANCE! (pops open bottle to have a rainbow come out; the entire screen is filled with rainbow as Jon drinks while chiptune music plays in the background)
- After Kevin gets caught, the Game Over screen is merely a cloud that says "Oh no!"Jon: Ah, yeah. That's just- that's just about right! That's appropriate, a boy is captured and will likely be found dead in the coming weeks, and all you got is "Oh no." That's good, it's a good message.(A newspaper appears with horrifying music, headline reading "BOY FOUND IN SHALLOW GRAVE" while the picture is the "Oh no!")
- Jon's overall "review" of the game:Jon: Okay, even though this just- mmm, ah, one of the most sublime games ever created, I'm gonna go ahead and try to nitpick a bit. I think I'll start with what the hell is going on with anything?! The perspective is completely bonkers. What's this? What am I standing on? Is that my house? Is that another house across the street or is that a subterranean lair?
- "I dunno, waddya put on goiter? SAAAAAAAAALVE!? (Beat) (begins rubbing arm) SAAAAAAAAAA-
- Jon's sudden excitement at being able to powerslide in-game, and getting caught up trying to name powerslide scenes.
- Jon's insistence that the elderly woman enemy from the NES Home Alone 2 game is a witch. Why? Her jump arch is a parabola. And only two kinds of elderly women can do that: retired Russian Olympians and WITCHES!Jon: Only a witch can pull off a parabola of this nature.
- Jon's pronunciation of witches: "HWIT-ches!"
- Jon also claims he's speaking from experience.
- The cartoonish mobster in the SNES version.Jon: Who is this cartoon mobster here, and why does nobody care that he's in my house? Is he just a weird family member? Is he my dad? Is that my- Is that my game dad?
- The sound the water gun makes in the SNES version of the game.
- Jon saying that the mobster in the Game Boy Home Alone game becomes Michael Jackson Moonwalker when you shoot him, complete with 16-bit Smooth Criminal.
- Noticing how dark the game over screen is, with the robbers taunting Kevin. He then lampshades it.
- Jon pointing out the high-as-balls teddy bear in Home Alone 2 for the SNES.
- Home Alone on the PS2, with its atrocious artwork and little connection to the film.Jon: Oh! OH! Are you serious? Is that something that someone who calls them-self a professional artist made and handed it to their boss and the boss went "Yeah, that looks good, do that."
>"Yeah, that looks good, do that." -Someone bad at life
Jon: Don't you remember these iconic characters from the film? Kelly? Carl? Carly? My-my favorite scene with them was this one.
- How the review ends: after Jon finds some good Home Alone gamesnote , Jon tries to wake up Culkin from the stove corn... only for a realization to occur:
Bootleg Pokémon Games
- His reaction to a pretty creepy-looking, vaguely crustacean enemy in "Pocket Monsters" AKA "Pokemon: Pikachu Edition" AKA "Picachu" (sic).Jon: Ech! Aw! S'disgusting! What is that? That's rancid! Is that a... is that a tap dancing crab demon? (horrified whisper) Is that nightmare? Is that true nightmare?
- "There's a lot to see in this life. I'm not wasting it here..."
Jon: You can see Beedrill, Porygon, Monkey, Mario Dinosaur, Poop, Abomination... WHAT IS THIS? Is this what happens when illicit Pokémon breeding goes unchecked? I'm looking at this from every goddamn angle there is, I can't tell where it starts and where it ends.
- "Keep going, Pikachu... or it's back in the ball for you."
- "It's hot."
- Jon listing off all the Pokémon enemies in the game.
- Curly Howard, is that you? Did you come back? Did you come back from the ground mausoleum?
- His excitement for Pokémon Adventure, a hack of a hack (Sonic Adventure 7), on the Game Boy Color until he finds out what the game is actually like."Yup, that's Son— That's Sonic. It's So— IT'S SONIC!!!"
"What happened to— What happened to 3 through 6!?"
- He realizes that this could be "the world's very first double-hack", and proceeds to act out the "double-hacking" by typing on two computers at once... and looking a little TOO pleased with it.Jacques: Warning, Jon. You are in danger of reaching hack capacity.
- "Welcome to the game. That's the one thing you can see. Fuck you."
- Jon's first moments of gameplay."Wha-what's happen—ah, nope, goddamn—FFFFUCK!
(cut to Jon facepalming and fed the fuck up)
"Can I just have a break? Can I just have one break?"
- He realizes that this could be "the world's very first double-hack", and proceeds to act out the "double-hacking" by typing on two computers at once... and looking a little TOO pleased with it.
- His theory on how Moemon came to be, which Crosses the Line Twice:
- During the review of Pokémon Diamond* and Jade, Jon notices an... interesting formation in the trees in one part of the game. He suspects that it might be the guy who made Moemon.Jon: Talk about rockin' out with your cock out!
- Jon reviews Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal. The Blind Idiot Translations are astounding.
- Jon's reaction to the scoreboard on "Picadance".
- What about the Episode Title Card itself? It's Jon hiding Pokéballs and cartridges under a coat.
- The Stinger. Jon has been sucked into the game, and the camera pans over to Jaqcues, who says "Boobs" before a picture of a topless fat man and an udder are shown.
- Jon's framing device for Foodfight! is a parody of film noir, with Dex's face inexplicably in a heart-shaped locket. Jon later questions why he put Dex's picture in the locket when he never liked the movie in the first place.
- How he finds the DVD (in a meta callback to his Birdemic review)...Jon: How long have you had this thing?Clerk: One million year.Jon: I'll take it!
- This quote is especially funny once you consider the movie was released in 2012.
- As soon as Jon opens the DVD, the disembodied head of Charlie Sheen pops out and projected the movie into the TV while quoting from his infamous 2011 interview.
- Jon's frustration at the movie doing a joke about Mr. Clean getting dirty before the intro is even over.
- Jon's list of Daredevil Dan's character traits: "Broken motion capture and making Wayne Brady seem like he's not an actor".
- "That's the only 10 this movie's gettin'."
- Jon trying to stop the movie viewing by unplugging the TV. The plug just re-plugs itself back into the outlet, much to Jon's displeasure.
- Dan crying chocolate, with emphasis placed on the sound of his gooey tears and his sobbing.Jon: (clipped recording) Am I dead yet?
- How Jon handles the timeskip deserves a mention:Daredevil Dan: Don't worry, it ain't like it's the last time we're ever gonna see Sunshine again.SIX MONTHS LATERJon: Ah GHKCHH—
- "Is this like Toy Story rules? Or is this like The Fountain rules? Where there's no rules?" (Back to Jon) "Oh God help us, I think this is Fountain rules!"
- "Hey, like I said, this is Fear and Loathing rules, it's no rules! COME ON!
- Daredevil Dan's legs. "It's like if FDR came back to life and tried to show everyone what legs do."
- Hell, any time he points out the film's Special Effect Failures.
- His reaction to Cheasel T. Weasel.Cheasel: [Later, in an INCREDIBLY uncomfortable close-up] ...you despise me, don't you?Jon: BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! STRANGER DANGER!
- Jon tries to protect Jacques' eyes from seeing breasts on a bird, but Jacques protests.Jacques: You monster. Let me see those melons!
- "Now that is some dancing that's gonna get you laid, let me tell you about it."
- He reacts to the film's emphasis on product placement by inserting some product placement of his own.
- The skit where Paul Ritchey emerges from the DVD, and is followed by an aggressively clean Mr. Clean (played by Brentalfloss).Paul: Oh, God! It's him, it's him! ... NO! That's what he does! He raises your level of cleanliness to impossible levels of upkeep! ... Banana split, let's blow this Popsicle stand! Kumquats, I don't know, whatever!(sprints out of Jon's house, chased by Mr. Clean)Jon: (after both men leave) Well, that just sorta happened to me, I mean, I didn't even participate in that...(beat)Jacques: It was cool, though.
- Every time a title-drop is made, with the last one accompanied by a half-hearted throw of confetti, still in the bag.Jon: Oh, we're doin' this again? I gotta... bag a' confetti saved up- WOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!
- "Also, she's a Nazis. And a Star Wars."
- The scene with Mr. Clipboard is hilarious on its own, but Jon's commentary makes it even funnier.[In the movie, Mr. Clipboard gangles into the supermarket while making strange gurgling noises.]Mr. Clipboard: You must be Leonard...Jon: Y'know I'd make a comment here, but I'm genuinely worried that he might actually have a disability — and then who looks like the bad guy, I mean, this guy, still a little bit, because he's the bad guy in the movie, but mostly me! Mostly Jon!
- The brand-icon characters in the movie somehow travel to the "real world" — where humans are apparently hideously ugly.Jon: Oh! Oh God! OH GOD! Real world's horrible, go back to the supermarket world![Daredevil Dan immediately ends up face to face with an equally hideous Brand X mascot]Jon: I made a huge mistake, supermarket world's just as bad—
- "Ugly people never win!"
Conan the Barbarian
- Starting off the video reenacting the famous scene from the movie.JonTron! What is best in life?Jon: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.Wow, I was gonna say a day at the beach, but what did you say? Something about maiming? Jesus Christ!
- After summing up Conan's backstory, Jon enthusiastically blurts out this while he is not even facing the camera:Jon: That's fuckin' metal as fuck, dude!
- Jon's reaction to the one long note on the Conan: Hall of Volta title screen.
- Conan: Hall of Volta, "presented by a bunch of white guys named Eric".
- Seeing that one of the characters in Hall of Volta is an "Avian Ally," Jon tries to call Jacques over, but then remembers he left him upstairs. It then cuts to Paul Ritchie coming into Jon's house with life-saving medicine, and getting killed by lasers fired by Jacques.Paul: Hey Jon, it's me! I brought your life-saving medicine!
Jacques: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL...
- His reactions to some of the unhelpful Game Over messages.
- During his review of the MS-DOS game, his over-the-top reaction to an attractive woman leaning out a window with her cleavage showing.*sophisticated accent* "Oh, good morning, madam. You are looking full and robust today. You are blossoming like the most beautiful flower in all of Cimmeria. *normal voice* Oh yeah, one more thing — your tits are fucking fantastic."
- The camera zooming through space to get a closeup on her breasts is a nice touch.
- His increasingly enraged rant about the NES game's ridiculously cryptic gameplay, which he finishes by uttering Chevy Chase's immortal line:"HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT!!"
- Before that is his rant about the controls.Jon: But you better make sure that you hit A and then down a bit after that, because if you just hit down, you'll jump to a fiery death because DID I MENTION THAT DOWN ALSO FUCKING LONG JUMPS?! *furious* WHO DID IT? WHY'D THEY DO IT? ARE THEY- ARE THEY STILL ALIVE? Can I find 'em? We're gonna... we're gonna go find 'em.
- Before that is his rant about the controls.
- Jon interrupting his rant to enjoy the Myth loading music while strumming it on his sword.
- Jon praying to Crom for a good Conan game is amusing in its own right:Jon: I have never prayed to you before. I do not have the tongue for it. No one will remember, not even you, what games were played, what systems they were on, which ones were written by two Erics. All that matters is that one man played many, many terrible Conan games. So grant me one request. Grant me one good game. And if you do not listen... (breaks character) Oh, come on, man, that's freakin' rude. (returns to character) And to hell with you.
- The ending of the episode ends with Jon playing a modern Conan game that he actually likes, when it suddenly cuts to Jon pointing at a jar of horseradish.Jon: (talking very fast) There's a jar of horseradish up there I don't know what it is but it's scary.(Epic music plays while the camera zooms in on it.)
- Even better when you know what inspired it: It was an actual jar of what was assumed to be horseradish that happened to be there in the basement. Not even the owner knows why it was there, saying it came with the house.
- What Jon surmised after the famous Takeshi Kitano tried his hand at video game design.Jon: After that, the sea floor split open and swallowed the Caribbean. Earthquakes ravaged the west coast of America and goblins were still really, really scary! (cut to Jon) Ew, I don't like 'em! I don't like goblins! ...Waaaaugh!
- How Jon first describes Takeshi.Jon: Mission briefing: Takeshi Kitano, otherwise known as Beat Takeshi, Japanese film director, comedian, singer, actor, author, screenwriter, poet, painter — okay, what wasn't this guy? — and one-time video game designer. Yeah, ya hear that? One time; cuz one time was all he needed.
- When he finally begins showing off the game:
- A small bit of humor: when Jon is made aware of the Famicom's small controller cord length, he tugs at it for a few seconds, says "Fuck it.", and grabs the whole thing.
- Prior to starting the game proper, Jon decides to show off an... unusual Non-Standard Game Over. Which can be done by punching the man at the password screen.
- After getting yelled at by the video game boss:Jon: Oh, yeah? You gonna yell at me? Well, this is a video game, I can do what I want! (punches the boss)
- Jon gets the first hint that the game isn't quite going to be a thrilling, saccharine ride.Jon: (notices a sales chart that bottoms out past the bottom of the graph) (voice trailing off as the music gets distorted) Oh... Merry Christmas, Japan, 1986...
- Even better is that he stopped the game character in such a way that he has the silliest face.
- His reaction to the "Grilled Mormons" shop:Jon: Grilled Mormo—Mor—MORMONS?! (drunk-sounding) Oh what's going on, I didn't know it was alright to eat those guys... B-better should check the Broble, make sh- make sure that's okay.
- "Well, I already have no idea what to do. So I guess I'll do what I always do when I'm lost: drink heavily! Lots of drinks! Way... absolutely above the margin of necessary- Mom is scared."
- After Jon learned (via in-game text) that he was taken to his in-game home after passing out drunk:Jon: Well, this explains quite a b- (cut back to game)
- "Also, I'd just like to point out that THERE IS A LICENSED NINTENDO GAME WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN IT!!!"
Jon: (almost speechless) You can literally murder your wife and children! LITERALLY, murder your children, I think I need to repeat that, 'LITERALLY, MURDER YOUR CHILDREN!' (hushed) If the walls could talk, they'd say really bad things about that guy.
- And how does Jon follow up something like that?
- Jon putting on a suit to properly play the game, backed up by a remix of his theme and capped off with him passing a hand through his hair and winking audibly.Jon: Let's beat Takeshi at his own game, goddamn it!
Jon: Now, at this point most people, like ninety nine percent of people, would do this:
- Before that, there was this:
(cut to him dropping the Takeshi's Challenge cartridge into the trash, and then dropping a lighter into the trash, setting it aflame)
Jon: *wielding a Crucifix* OUTTA THIS HOUSE! OUTTA THIS HOUSE!
Jon: *now burning incense* Spirits begone from this house!
- Partway through, Jon ends up becoming frustrated to the point of shouting "This is ridiculous!", only for the Famicom microphone to pick up what he said. The game then responds.Jon: THIS IS RIDICULOUS! (sound waves radiate from his mouth)
Famicom: (picks up sound waves on microphone)
Jon: (reading on-screen text) "'Shut up, you dick'?!"
(Jon slowly turns to the Famicom, and picks up the second controller)
Jon: You're supposed t—you're supposed to yell into the microphone...(losing composure)...on the second controller...(lets out a pained/strangled sounding laugh)
- Jon makes a revelation late into the game.Jon: Y'know, It's only just dawned on me right now, but do you realize that this is a Nintendo game in which you quit your job, divorce your wife, and go treasure hunting? ... TEN OUTTA TEN. TEN OUTTA TEN, HUNDRED OUTTA HUNDRED. BEST GAME. BEST GAME.
- His reaction to the game's ending: Writing a letter to Takeshi Kitano asking him why he made Takeshi's Challenge, even saying he's going to mail the letter when he's finished recording, in the letter. In Japanese.
- "*unintelligible* Bad game! Two outta ten!" (flashing GameSpot logo accompanied by heavy metal)
- "Never in my life have I said 'God damn it, I shot the wind again!' And meant it."
- The opening of the episode.Jon: Oh my God! Summer's almost here! But I haven't lost my winter weight![Jon glances over to a bikini hanging up in his closet]Jon: Ahh! I can't look. Jacques, what am I gonna do to lose all this weight?Jacques: Stop inventing and eating things like cheesecake pizza.Jon: Oh, that was in the past, Jacques, cheesecake pizza's in the past! I suppose I should bring up your shortcomings as well! [Jon nonchalantly bites into a piece of cheesecake pizza]Jacques: You're a regular Lucille Ball.
- And when Jon mentions he's going to do something to lose his weight, Jacques retorts with: "Actually go outside?"
- This part:Jon: California Games was made to capture and emulate the rhythms of the sun-bleached Pacific Coast. [snapping into his New York accent] If- First up, traffic on da 405 freeway, HA!
- The way Jon puts the game into the NES: he places it on a skateboard, which zooms toward the NES, and the game just hops into the slot.
- "Waddya- Waddya like? STREET HOCK?"note
- Jon laughs at how the girl in the roller-skating game trips over anything... well, almost anything:Jon: This girl falls over everything. Cracks in the cement, tiny tufts of grass in the sidewalk, sand particles.(The girl successfully skates over a chalk drawing in the sidewalk.)Jon: Oh, she made it over the chalk on the floor. Gotta be honest... didn't expect her to clear that one.
- For some weird reason, Alcatraz Island is in the background of one of the games, which Jon proceeds to riff on.Jon: Oh man, I mean, when I think of the beauty and majesty of California, the first thing, the first thing I think of is the maximum security correctional facilities. Gotta see it.
- It's even more funny when you realize that Alcatraz was made into a tourist attraction before this video was made.
- Jon's various issues with BMX are nothing short of hilarious, especially towards the comments given from the game itself like "dorky" or "try slowing down."Jon: Oh- oh yeah? Well- I-I got one for you, how 'bout you try and hire a real programmer?! That'll get us through these hurdles, I'ma clip-clap like a horse!
- This little moment.
- Jon playing the frisbee game:
- Jon reads a text bubble that says "Let's drop in on a grommet." His over-the-top response is hilarious.Jon: Oh! "Grommet"! I used to say it all the time back in Cali! You couldn't stop me saying this word! Grommet this! Grommet that! THE FUCK DOES GROMMET MEA-note
Jon: "Vertical Hunger." Yes, absolutely. Because Horizontal Hunger IS FOR GROMMETS!
- This joke comes back when Jon sees some graffiti in the skateboarding part of the game.
- Jon's reaction to one of the graffiti phrases in the game.Jon: Oh, and all our favourite Cali phrases are here too, such as "The Most Smooth", "Raaad" and "Sw-" ohhh... "S-"... "Swood"? THEY JUST COULDN'T STAP ME! I'M GOIN' ALL UP ON DA ROOFTOPS, SWOOD THIS! SWOOD THAT! [leans back] Just...fuck it, y'know? I don't give a shit, it's a fuckin' show... [pulls down part of the lighting] What's the... fuckin' light.
- It should be noted that what it actually says is "SWOOP".
- Jon decides he doesn't need these depressing-ass games, and goes to have fun by himself outside... what follows isn't something that can be put into words, but it's most definitely a jewel of Cringe Comedy. Jon's gleeful laughter doubles as both a Crowning Moment of Funny and a Most Wonderful Sound.
- His reactions to how dark and graphic the death scenes are.
- The fact there even are death scenes in a game like this. Especially the skateboard one. In Jon's words:*Shocked laughter* ...I died! For real! Funeral and all! My God... these people are really affected by this! That musta been one swood guy...
- The fact there even are death scenes in a game like this. Especially the skateboard one. In Jon's words:
- Whilst playing the surfing game, a shark appears:Jon: That is the cutest goddamn shark I've ever seen, I love him and he's mine now.
- "Oh no, there goes Grandma!"
- When Jon wipes out in the second game, we are treated to a scene of the surfboard washing up on shore, with music implying that the surfer died. What then makes this scene unexpectedly humorous is that apparently, if you wait long enough, the upbeat level music starts back up again. Cue Jon Corpsing.
- The Los Angeles Dinosaur.note
- The Stinger:Jon: But to keep-Jacques: SQUAWK!Jon: But to keep the show free and-... but, to-Jacques: SQUAWK!(Beat)Jon: ...but, to keep the show-Jacques: SQUAWK!Jon: ...are you fucking serious?
- Jon briefly goes over Titanic: Adventure Out of Time, which Jon describes as having that "old, quirky, 90s' PC game vibe", complete with cutscenes that involve cutouts of live-action people animated in a surreal manner. During these cutscenes, Jon is actually seen in one of them, digitally edited in unexpectedly well.Man on ship: It is good to see you up and about; you've been in your cabin the whole voyage.Jon: I bought the ticket, I'll do what I want!
- Jon compares making a game about the Titanic, one of the greatest maritime disasters ever, to making a game about the destruction of PompeiiJon: Tap A quickly to not die as fast!
- After playing another bad Titanic game, Jon shows relief that there won't be more.Jon: So thank God that's over! (laughs) I mean, it's over, right? There's not- there's not more, right? I mean, surely there weren't two companies crazy enough to do something like this... right?
- The title, Titenic, isn't a typo. The second game he plays is deliberately named "Titenic" to avoid copyright, even though they directly stole the likenesses of the film's two leads.Jon: Oh my God, what is that?!
- Then he takes jabs at the video's title:Jon: I bet you thought that was a typo, huh? The name of the episode? "Hey guys, look! Jon made a mistake on the Internet!" I bet there's a bunch of comments down there already about it, but I'll tell you what... I wish that was a typo, because no one wants something like this for mankind. The fact that this exists... means we already lost.
- The poor translations of the backstory.Narration: He lighted on her life.Jon: Based on that car scene from the movie, I think he might have "lighted" on a couple of her other things too.
- His reaction to the fighting:Jon: Oh, the first thing when I saw the movie, the first thing I said out the theatre, I interrupted the whole group, I said... "Where's the fightin'?"
- Apparently, chefs are natural pacifists according to Jon...
- A horrified revelation:Jon: (referring to the Game Over screen of the first game, showing a sinking Titanic) I have never experienced a continue screen that made me feel that guilty! I mean, it's my fault that happened! I did the Titanic!
- His great Meat Loaf impersonation when he first loads Titenic up.
- Before that, there's the way he says the name of the game. He tries saying it about three times, each more baffled-sounding than the last, until he finally says the entire name. sounding more baffled than before. And the way he keeps moving the title picture as he does so, especially zooming in on the title itself before bursting into the Meat Loaf impression.
- "Man, 1910 times were weird."
- "Can't forget the flying eeegggplaaant!""Man, 1910 times were scaaaary!"
- The healing items in Titenic are lobsters and wine. Cut to Jon in a stereotypically fancy outfit, complete with monocle:Jon: The bourgiest of beat-em-ups!
- His referring to an enemy as "a mix between Mr. T and Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."
- The ending:
- Now, how would you expect Jon to play these two games in this episode? If you said by putting them in his Famicom and then dropping the Famicom into his fishtank, then you're clearly aware of Jon's shenanigans by now. This is made even funnier by Jon revealing at a Q&A that he didn't empty the Famicom out first before dunking it, much to the annoyance of fans.
- Jon reacting to the pendulum in the grandfather clock.Jon: Uh, excuse me, Titenic management, I think you have a well-endowed man standing in one of your grandfather clocks, I just thought I'd warn you.
- Jon's reaction to the very existence of the first game is somewhat hypnotic.Jon: Titanic came out in 1997, I mean the N64 and the PS1 were already out, who was this meant to be marketed to, really? Moms? Kids? Anyone? Uh, iceberg fans? Anyone at all?! [turns and shouts at someone off-camera] WOULD YOU BUY THAT?! NO, Y'ALL WOULDN'T BUY THAT, YOU'RE NOT FUCKIN' STUPID!
- "Hey, game journalists, look at that! They're not sexualizing your women for once! Isn't it all you hoped for?"
Japanese Shoot 'Em Ups
- Many, both from the games themselves as well as Jon's reactions to them.
- When Jon mentions that a shoot-em-up with an artichoke shooting SCUD missles would sell in Japan during the intro, he briefly recounts how it actually exists, and even pulls out its box * :Jon: Ahhh, the memories with this one, I still have the nightmares.
- When comparing Opa-Opa to the Sega mascots, he mentions Alex Kidd, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Billy the Sex Offender.Jon: What, you forget about that guy? (camera zooms in on Billy's face) Well I didn't. I'll never forget, Sega.
- Also, that guy? He's real, but JonTron lied about him. His name's actually Donald.
- Harmful Park.
Jon: Okay, you've got pies, where you throw pies at people, Ice... Yeah, that's definitely ice there... Potato? Okay — Er... "Jerry"? "JERRY"?!
- Jon actually enjoys playing Harmful Park, in spite of its rather roundabout title (and alt-title, "high-brow gag and pure shooting"), leading up to this joke:
- The weapons used in the game leave Jon a bit baffled, to say the least.
(cut to Jon)
Jon: JON'S GETTIN' UPSET!
Jon: That Frankenstein just flipped me the double bird, and then lasers came out... Two can play at that game!
- After being killed by an attack that involves flipping the double bird* and shooting lasers, Jon doesn't wanna be one-upped and brings his own version of the attack: Jacque and Cinnamon shooting laser beams from their eyes.note
- The lengthy and rather slow-paced expositional Info Dump prefacing Keio Flying Squadron.*cut to Jon taking notes* "Is that gonna be on the test?"Jon: Oh, I get it now. History Science!
Rami Nana-Hikari: HYPER CUTIE BUNNY CHANGE!Jon: I'm scared, I'm moving on!
- Also, in the same portion....
- When he's reading the intro crawl for Samurai Zombie Nation, and it speaks about Darc Seed's "horrible powers":Jon: Oh, alright, we're fine then! They just said his powers suck!
Jon: "1999: A harmless meteorite — yeah; I don't think "harmless" would be a good term to describe that — crashing in the Nevada desert turned out to be Darc Seed... Oh no. Not... him."
- There's also his Dull Surprise moment during the game's intro:
Jon: But what Darc Seed didn't know was that the Statue of Liberty was too big to do inside people things, so he had to settle with doing his own laundry most of the time!
- At another point in the intro, it mentions Darc Seed bringing the Statue of Liberty to life to "do his dirty work".
Jon: (with a heavily distorted and slowed down voice while Beethoven's Ninth and a fireworks show play in the background) "Whah de fhaaaaaaaaaak?"
- And then the game itself begins... Jon's reaction has to be seen to be believed.
Jon: If this is what the good guy is doing... then what is the bad guy doing? I need to see that shit!
- At one point, Jon points out that the character that's supposed to be the good guy is causing all sorts of mayhem and destruction.
Jon: How many eyeballs that guy got in his eyes? I'm no eyeball scientist, but I don't think you get to have that many eyeballs...
- The endless stream of projectiles (which are eyes and pieces of flesh):
- When Jon is introduced to the samurai head:
- Cho Aniki. Complete with 2001: A Space Odyssey references.
Jon: What did I just see? Was that Arnold Schwarzenegger with a comb-over sticking out his H. R. Giger dick?
- Jon's encounter with the game's first boss leaves him a bit... unnerved.
(cut back to the boss)
Jon: (while shielding his eyes) I'm not looking again!
(he looks back again)
Jon: OHHHHHHH, that's what it was! OH, that's what it is! That's the last one! It's over!
Can I go back in the Kubrick?
- "I have fallen! AND I CHOOSE NOT TO GET UP!"
- After encountering an attack from one of the game's bosses that looks like a glitch, he decides that he's lost faith in the game and declares the review over.
- "JonTron is free to watch, but here's a list of things that aren't free: FOOD!"
- The episode opens with Jon (and Jacques) looking at the wall and wondering if there's something off about his pictures. For the record, his pictures are (going clockwise) John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and ALF.
- The beginning: Jon finds out Jacques has been doing "seed".Jacques: Back off old timer, this is cool stuff.
- Jon decides that Jacques needs to get straight. Scared straight, that is.
- An anti-drug ad involves a doctor smoking weed during an operation procedure. Jon concurs that it's bad, but adds, "Here's a list of other things I wouldn't want him doing: ANYTHING ELSE BUT MY FUCKING SURGERY."
- His take on the classic ad This Is Your Brain On Drugs (the one with the egg):Announcer: Any questions?
Jon: Yeah, I th-I think I got a few: so you're telling me that my brain on drugs is a healthy, nutritious breakfast that helps my brain grow? I guess I should do some drugs!
- Jon's reaction to one of the anti-drug commercials.Snake: *features becoming reptilian* Do I look like the kind of guy who'd do that to a kid like you?
Jon: YOU LOOK LIKE A SNAKE!
Jon: WHAT!?... WHAT THE FUCK?!
Jacques: I'm basically half-reptile, so he just reminds me of one of my brethren.
- Then he explores the message behind the game NARC as he plays as a narcotics officer (named Max Force) that fights drug abusers with machine guns and rocket launchers.Jon: This woulda put a tear in ol' Ronnie Reagan's eye.
Jon: Well, alright, maybe those guys were just resisting arrest, y'know? I mean they had to be dealt with. After all we're just going in there with enough firepower to protect ourselves...
<Montage of Max Force blowing up criminals>
Jon: NOT. EVEN. ONCE.
Jon: That... was amazing.
Jon: Cocaine is really popular with... um... the same guy.
- Let's not forget this statement about the enemies:
Jon: Too little, too late, talking leg.
- At one point, one of the Mooks Jon's taking down says "I GIVE UP!" Who does Jon assign this statement to? Well...
Jon: (Holds up a '10' scorecard) Ten...
- According to Jon, Mr. Big's a really good Tokyo Drifter.
- Also, when Jon blows up Mr. Big's wheelchair and sends him flying: note
Jon: He's got a picture of himself labeled "Me". There's so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to begin.
- At one point during the fight with Mr. Big, Jon sees something... telling about Mr. Big's character.
Jon: ...I've never seen a game go from a perfect zero to a perfect ten this quickly. Is this real life?
- Jon's face when he sees the final boss is a giant Mr. Big's-head roomba. It looks like a cross between "Oh my god this is amazing" and "WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?!" We then get this gem when Mr. Big's head proceeds to explode and reveal a Terminator-like skull on a telescoping neck that continues to fight...
- Jon plays Wally Bear and the NO! Gang... and is distraught at Wally's dad's lack of leg fashion.Jon: Ah, hey, Dad, uh, I know you like to live your life on the free-and-easy, but you think you could-uh, do away with the whole "no pants" thing 'til after I leave?
Jon (while lying on the couch stiffly and sporting an odd face): Oh. My favorite.
- Followed by this:Jon: Yeah, Wally, I know how you feel. My dad doesn't wear pants either...
Cut to an urn falling over, spilling ashes everywhere
- After mentioning that all of the levels in Wally Bear have platforming with the equivalent of ice physics:
Jacques: This is madness. Why is that bear not wearing a helmet on his skateboard?
- Jacques' reaction to being shown the game cartridge:
- Followed by this:
- Jon finding the game was given a perfect score in Gamepro... and being uninformed about a Nightshade competition they hosted.
- Jon's reaction to Wally going through various increasingly bizarre places just to get to his Uncle.Jon: How many subway connections I gotta make to get to my uncle's house? Maybe my parents could have given me a ride if they weren't so busy mauling each others' privates! Hanes! LEVI'S! DOCKERS! TAKE A TRIP TO THE GAP, DAD! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!
Jon: It feels like I'm getting a contact high from this.
- He also gets worked up with the game's "M. C. Escher-style garages" in which some of the cutscenes take place, leading to this:
(Distorted music begins to play as Jon and a trippy background fade in)
Jon: (while holding up his (handless!) arms) Where's my hands?
Jon: What the fffuck is this supposed to BE? This game has a chronic condition of never explaining anything! Two minutes ago we were in the suburbs, now we're, what, taking a stroll through Nikolai Tesla's secret underground LAIR!?
- It all culminates into a series of magnificent rants when he encounters, in his own words, a demon fortress in the middle of a subway. The way Jon delivers the line is funny by itself.
Jon: "Watch out for a man giving away candy." Uh, are- are you aware that our city has an underground, DEMON FORTRESS in it!? And- a- ehg- apparently, the subway... just passes right through that shit! G- g- gimme the man. Gimme him right now. I- I'll take the fucking candy right off his hands. 'S amazing compared to what I've just been through!
Jon: What 'da fuUUuck?... I promise I'll never do drugs again, Dad.
- Yet even that fails to compare with what's next, when Jon finds himself in some ...inexplicable room with giant sneering yellow faces on the walls.
- "Hey Wally, don't forget to take the shortcut to Uncle Gary Grizzly's through the snake cave! It's right after the — it's just coming to me — it's the bomb ghetto? Yeah, you'll find it, don't worry 'bout it."
- Jon's bored, casual reaction to meeting Larry Lizard.
- And the end, where Jon gives up on trying to get Jacques off of seed, and just gets high while watching Buzz Aldrin punch Bart Sibrel.Jon (slurred): That guy went to the moooOOOooon.
- After Jacques brings up the Scissorman:Jon: (horrified gasp)...not the Scissorm'n.Jacques: Well, I didn't realize you were going to go apeshit.Jon: (close-up) MMM, SCISSORM'NJacques: Please stop.
- CLOCK TOWEL
- "Clock Towel? That's not very scary."
- CLOCK TOWER "OH, GOD!!"
- "Clock Towel? That's not very scary."
- Jon Tron saying that "ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGHT AND SOLD FOR THE RIGHT OIIIIIILLLLL".
- He's wearing a "proper gentleman" tuxedo and hat while saying this, and squeezing oil in between his gloved fingers.
- "From now on, what kind of place will we be living in?" "That's the fifth time you['ve] asked!"Jon: Yeah, well, maybe it'd be the last time if you just fucking told me!
- Jon's first action when the game gives him control of Jennifer is to run away from the situation when he notes the sudden change in music. Even funnier is that Jennifer, with no buildup or tells, just suddenly bolts. In her walking animation.
- Cue the sound of the hundred footsteps it takes for Jennifer to walk the other side of the room compressed into a span of 3 seconds.
- The house's... strange decorations:Jon: Ah yes, there's nothing like a portrait of a skull with no eyes to really bring a home together!
Jon: This is actually an original Vincent Van Ghoul! ...people don't come over anymore.
- Followed by Jon having a similar painting on his own wall:
- I'm being strangled by the man in the mirror! AHHHHGH!!!
- When Scissorman first appears, Jon runs away, only run back when he thinks Scissorman might be Angus Young.
- And immediately before the Scissorman's first appearance, Jon says "I'm getting a bit sick of these dead ends, I just want the plot to progress already!"
- He hides from Scissorman by climbing up a ladder to a heightened area, and Scissorman walks away... Only to drop down from the ceiling directly above him seconds later.Jon: I did not factor in the Warp ability!
- The various times throughout when Jon attempts to leave the haunted house. Especially when he finds a car and the dialogue prompts him to stay to save the others left in the mansion.
- When Jessica gets surrounded by bugs after opening the fridge:Jon: Okay, well... this is unfortunate. Now I gotta play the rest of the game as Pigpun- Pigpen frudda p- from the PEANUTS!
- Jon remarks that it would be funny if someone were hiding behind the drapes... and no sooner as he approaches them, the Scissorman appears.Jon: Really? There? Scissorman, what are you, fucking seven? Actually, I think- actually, you are seven, aren't you? Alright, checks out.
- Also Hilarious in Hindsight that Scissoman from SNES Clock Tower is eight, meaning Jon got his age wrong by one year.
- Jon is so disturbed by what he finds behind the curtain (a giant purple... thing), he vomits candy corn... which promptly breaks the scene, causing he and Paul (who is working the camera) to start corpsing. His second reaction is just as good:Jon: So can I start therapy now, or should I wait until the nightmares set in?
- The ending of the video:
- Jon being relieved after finishing the game, at peace with the fact that the game isn't actually real because, as he knows, scissors don't actually exist.
- Jon is horrified to find an article reading "SCISSOR ENTHUSIAST ESCAPES FROM ASYLUM - HEADING TO JONTRON'S HOUSE RIGHT NOW!"... Because the article was cut out with scissors.
- There's also the picture caption: JONTRON's HOUSE AND SOON TO BE MURDER SITE
- Jon trying to ward off the Scissorman... with Caution tape.Jon: (after the Scissorman cuts the tape) Oh no, that's all I had!
- Jon fights off the intruder with the ham he retrieved earlier in the video.
- He then stuffs the ham into a holster, only to question why he even has a holster since he doesn't have a gun. That second, a skeleton with a gun bursts from the closet and shoots wildly at Jon.Skeleton with a gun: I've got a bone to pick with you! (laughs wildly and shoots into the air)
- Which is doubly funny if you recall from the "Offical JonTron MERCH!!" video that he found a gun in his coffee can. More than likely, it's the same gun.
- Finally, we have Jon's reaction to said skeleton:Jon: People haven't come over in several years. That was the last one, and he's dead now.
Are You Afraid of the Dark? Part 1
- Jon gets a little upset at not being able to tell his story to the 11PM society (because midnight is too late).Jon: Can I please just tell the story? I didn't pretend to have been in Vietnam in multiple bars across the country to be treated like this.
Jon: OH JESUS OH... whozthat? Is this manganese!? I think I just got flashbanged! I can only see white... is that God?11PM Society: (leaves in disgust)
- Well, to be fair, at least one of them has a reason to be upset:VCR Taker Guynote : He said he had a bunch of free VCRs out here for us. And I though you may have been confused and meant to say DVD players, or maybe you didn't understand what you had. And I was coming to take that from you. So, pretty much, where's my shit?
- Followed by:Real Ghost Guynote : Hey, you guys want to see a picture of a real ghost? (holds up a box of Boo Berry cereal) (VCR Taker Guy flinches)
- And then him trying to stoke the flames by throwing dust on it... and discovering the hard way that the dust he brought may not have been dust...
- And once he stops being blind (twenty minutes later):Jon: (happy) Hey, hey, hey, it's wearing off! Guys, I'm not blind anymore! (sees that everyone left) ... (disappointed) Now I wish I was...
- Well, to be fair, at least one of them has a reason to be upset:
- WOLF DISS
- This conversation when the boys meet the Cabbie in the woods:Kid: Are you a park ranger?The Cabbie: *chuckles* No, not me (Jon voicing over: I'm a serial killer).
- Jon later continues to refer to the Cabbie as "the serial killer".
- Jon's reaction to the cabbie saying he "sorta died"Jon: I don't think there's really an in-between on that.
- "Damn, I've never been burned that bad before by a piece of wood."
- Jon mocking the children screaming.
- "They're dead. Two kids gonna die tonight." And later...Vink: (spins around in chair with eerie music) ...There is one way.
Jon: TWO KIDS GON' DIE TONIGHT!
- Jon pointing out some of the showmakers' names at the starting credits, and their rather severe case of No Pronunciation Guide.Jon: Re-Real... Proulx? Oh thank god we got the real one here, I'm sayin' — yeah, yeah! I see you, Fake Proulx. You get outta here!
- Jon mocking the Soundtrack Dissonance while the younger boy is hanging from a cliff.Jon: I have a feeling the musical direction for this scene went a bit like this: "Oh okay, so the kid could possibly die in this scene, fall off the ledge, make a big splatter, so it's real morbid, it's real scary, y'know, just noodle around on the guitar a bit, (imitates guitar noises) Yeah don't worry about it, here's a loonie for your time, a toonie for your wife, our money's cartoon, OUR MILK'S IN BAGS- SCREW IT, I'M OUTTA HERE! (door slams)"
"I shoulda let you- what the fuck?"
- Then when the older boy says "I shoulda' let you fall," Jon's reaction is priceless.
- "Canadian Hagrid" showing the boys a hand in a jar, which is Censored for Comedy.
- And every subsequent time the hand is mentioned, the word gets censored.
- The riddle involves something that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye, and when it is put in a barrel, the barrel becomes lighter. It's a hole.Jon: Halloween, it's gotta be candy, Three Musketeers, lightest candy bar, fuck you.
- When the kids try to answer the riddle the first time...Older Kid: I HATE riddles. (Jon comments: It's right up there with thinking for you, isn't it?)
- When Jon points out that the younger boy's mouth movements barely match up what he's saying, he shows a clip of the boy talking, then adds, "I'm not sure what you're talking about", while his mouth movements hardly match what he's saying.
- And the episode's ending...Jon: See you later! I got a date with a rope, some anti-aging cream, and a pumpkin. (Stammers) It's not what it sounds like, I swear.
Are You Afraid of the Dark? Part 2
- Jon interprets the "creepy guy who tells riddles to kids"'s line as "BRAIMYUMLEAH."
- Also, you have Josh, Kathy, and Weegee.Jon: So Josh wins the dare, and... (sputters for a bit) Weegee, why is his name Weegee? This is not a name!
- At one point, the kids are reading from newspaper articles about a fire. Jon calls this out as reading from the script, while simultaneously reading a script that is shown to the viewer.
"Ew, what a weird old guy. He died."
- Jon's impersonation of Kathy.
- The end of the "Laughing in the Dark" has Josh giving Zeebo a peace offering of cigars alongside the nose.
- Jon's reaction to the second basement scene:Jon: Alright, alright, c'mon, this isn't scary at all! I mean, how many times is he gonna dick around in the basement before something actually hap- (Sees the doll) WOOH!
Doll: Hi, Andy. Won't you come play with me?
(Jon uses remote to raise the brightness on his TV, then does the same pointing at himself, which raises the brightness of the video.)
- Not to mention the tiny, panicked scream he makes with a completely deadpan face.
- The third scene in the basement:(Generic stock music changes to weird clown music. Andy moves to the radio and tries adjusting the frequency.)
Jon: Aw yeah, weird clown music! Turn it up!
(A man wearing circus clothes appears through the doorway)
Circus Presenter: Aww... Don't stop now, son. You're almost HERE!
(Circus presenter is suddenly a skeleton and reaches out and grabs Andy's wrist)
Skeleton: What's the matter, Andy? Don't you wanna have some fun? Hahagnyahahaha!
(Cut to scene overlaid with skeleton GIFs with an over-amplified "Spooky Scary Skeletons" playing in the background)
Skeleton: Oh yeah!
- "No! Anything but Screamo!"
- The ending of the video. The ending of the third episode, "Tale of the Dark Music", turned out to be legitimately terrifyingnote , and not just Nightmare Retardant like the last two. When the last episode had a moment that was almost scary, only to be made ridiculous moments later, Jon's reaction was "they blew it". So this time?Jon: Wait, what's this? He's got a new bike now? Well that doesn't make any sense. I mean, how did it- (watches the ending in Stunned Silence) They didn't blow it.
Plug and Play Consoles
- Jon analyzing the appeal of the Plug-and-Play concept craze:Jon: Of course people were gonna be like "You're telling me there are ten classic Namco video games in this one small box that looks like a tiny version of the box it used to be in! WELL, SIGN ME AND THE REST OF AMERICA UP! We got a couple years before the housing crisis, let's have some fun!"
- Jon's comments on the various designs and kinds of plug & play consoles:Jon: [about a Spider-Man console primarily consisting of a large joystick] A lot of these are just a penis. This one— thi-this one is Spider-Man's penis. [grips the joystick and presses a button on the tip] Bombs away.
[about one that looks like The Thing, with a suggestively placed joystick] This one is, uh, Fantastic Four's, uh, creepy golem penis. Okay. [fiddles with the joystick] Is this good? is this bad? I-I'm sorry man, I kinda have to do this.
[about a console where the tip of the joystick is Spider-Man's head] Oh my goodness, that's a bit barbaric, isn't it? Poor bastard...
[about a Shrek-themed one with an ogre-eared joystick] Weird! Gross! Ewww! This is the— that's the Shrek one.
[about yet another Spider-Man console which looks like a regular controller, but has a Spider-Man figurine mounted on it in a rather interesting pose): This one is my personal favorite. Spider-Man po-points at your dick while you play. You can't make that up. That's really how they designed this. What the hell were they thinking?
[about a Deal or No Deal console] Deal or no deal? NO DEAL!
[about a Scooby-Doo console shaped like the Mystery Machine, with a Scooby figurine hanging off the back somewhat suggestively] Scooby's really, uh, goin' to town on the back of the Mystery Machine here, and Fred's like, uh, "Oh, Scoob! No! It's a kid's show, don't!"
- When looking at various bootlegs, he stumbles over one of the Justice League:
- The first ripoff console Jon looks at, the "GameFillip", advertises as a selling point: "NEW version with audio/video cable".Jon: Whoa hold on... 8-bit game? I thought you said dazzling 3d-graphics. Phillip, make up your goddamn mind!Jon: This thing has the audacity to promote, as a selling point, that it comes with AV cables. Yeah, don't even get me started on the previous version.
(Cut to Jon taking down a box labelled "Old GameFillip", and opening it to reveal some crayons, a dead fish with cigarettes in and around its mouth, and a mixtape labelled "Booty Jams")
Jon: (nods) I can make this work.
Jon: (in an announcer's tone) Ladies and gentlemen, may I present... a-are you sitting? GameFillip.
- Oh, and there's also a kit labeled "Human Organ for transplant" in the background of the shot.
- There's also how Jon introduces the console:
- For the first console, Jon's crack about the unfortunate angle of the picture of the child on its front cover, which makes him appear to have no neck.Jon: Perfect for children with no necks!
- Followed by him pretending he has no neck and saying "Finally, a game system for me!"
- When Jon plays the GameFillip, one of the games he plays is Small Mario. When he plays it, he gets sent to a completely different game than he expected to.
- The Power Kracker console makes the ridiculous claim to have 76000 games on it. The thing is though, that as far as we can tell, it actually does.Jon: Oh my God... there really are 76000 games on this thing... I guess I'll order some take-out.
- One of the games on it is called "Toy Story". It turns out to be a completely different game entitled ''Circus Charlie''.Jon: Circus Charlie, huh? I don't remember this from the movie.
- It reaches its peak moments later.Jon: Mad? Who, me? No, I'm not mad. Who's mad? I could I be mad when I bought a video game console that has Circus Charlie under FIVE THOUSAND FUCKING DIFFERENT NAMES, I'M FINE!!!
- Him destroying the Power Kracker controller afterward is both this and a Moment of Awesome.
- It reaches its peak moments later.
- When Jon opens a bootleg that says "Mario Bros.", the title screen instead reads "Mr. Mary".Jon: I have several questions.
- Jon gets annoyed when he founds out the Power Kracker has even more NES games, which leads to him going almost insane (if he wasn't already) at the end of his "review" on the Power Kracker.Jon: Again, this is just a bunch of mislabeled titles from the NES! I mean, there's not a single original game in here. What kind of human being does this, I mean, why did they stop at 76000? Why didn't they say a 1,000,000 games, a 1,000,000,000, infinity, SKY'S THE LIMIT WHEN YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!
- "And just like that, it's gone...like an angel's kiss."
- His note of the monkey peering over the Hitting Mices logo on the first game of the Pro Player Games' title screen. Which would hint at his reactions to the certain other games on the console's title screens later on:
- He then describes the animal cruelty in Hitting Mices:
- Exist leaves Jon feeling rather philosophical.Jon: A good game poses a philosophical question. A masterpiece does it right in the title.
- Not to mention Exist's copyright date: 200518784.Jon: It's gonna be a while before fair use kicks in on this one.
- Corr Idor has Jon give us this gem:Jon: What a beautiful name she has! Too bad she's gonna lose her pretty face soon becauseshe'sgoingheadlongatthegoddamnspeedoflightintoabunchofbullshitHELP!!
- Cute Fish gives Jon quite an experience, starting with the rather angry fish on the title screen.Jon: OH GOD! Cute Fish? Where is he? You mean this guy? I don't think you mean this guy.
Jon: (after selecting a piece of cheese with a hook and moving it across the water) I see. Yes, I uh, I certainly do understand what is going on here. *finally begins to control game* Oh, oh, oh-okay, yeah. Cute...Fish...I get it. *guttural intake of breath* I don't get it.
- Jon's complete confusion at how to play.
- While playing Xmas Gift, the kid turns into a skeleton after being struck by a lightning bolt.Jon: Oh my God! *desperately snaps fingers at kid* Uh...♪ Meee-ry Christmaaaas! ♪
- Jon's take on an ancient German Christmas tradition.Jon: [bad German accent] Ve go owt in ze snow vit ze frying pan and try to catch Sinterklaas's eeevil gifts from the sky! Eet iz a greet time furr oooll kinder in Deutschland!
- The title screen for Edacity Snakes has a Kaa clone on it.Jon: That's just the snake from The Jungle Book! That's Kaa! They used the same exact snake except that this time he looks like he peed on the rug and got in trouble for it. Bad snake! Bad! You're copyrighted!
Jon: It's Snake.. it's fucking.. it's FUCKING SHITTY ASS SNAKE!!! (door slam) OK, I am not leaving until somebody tells me where "edacity" fits in to all this. Better move on to the next game before I get a goddamn coronary.
- "You talking about edacity or edis city?"
- His reaction to the game itself being a Snake clone:
- Followed by him turning on the game Pop Monster, with its rather creepy monster in the title screen.
- Trooper. Jon notices that this game's title screen is abnormally glitchy.Jon: I think the only trooper I see here is the title screen itself. Hang in buddy, we're sending backup!Jon: In this game, everyone is falling to Earth, and it's your job to...murder 'em all...
- Jon playing Brave Boy.Jon: *Holding up a super-deformed plastic version of Shadow Dragon's Falchion* "I'm a brave boy."*Cut to a shot of the protagonist chained to the wall... by his neck... giving the monster a bath... in his UNDERWEAR.*Jon: *Tosses Falchion over his shoulder* "Not a brave enough boy for THIS!"
- Germ Killer depresses Jon and leaves him bawling.
- Jon pointing out Stub Game, or as he likes to call it: "STACKING FUCKING CANS".
- Jon's reaction to Huarongdao, a game he thought was about Ancient Chinese warfare.Jon: (practically begging)Just gimme this one! Just this one!
- And the actual content of this particular game? Yet another shitty puzzle game. This one with REALLYcreepy looking generals.Jon: It's... it's awful. It's all fucking awful! All of it! All of 'em! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM SUCKS!
- Jon's reaction to a game called Magical Kitchen:Jon: Surprise! It's hell on earth! It's bouncing suicidal fruit and a spatula NECKST!"
- Jon noting the smug-looking bear on the title screen of Boxes World.
- Way Out disappoints Jon since he doesn't get what it promises.Jon: This game better just be a loaded gun or a noose — you promised me this!
- Boxing Werstle. Just... Boxing Werstle:Jon: This is the werstle game I've ever played. *look of utter despair* neeeeeEEEEXT!!!
- After realizing that the only playable game thus far, X Treme Robot, is a ripoff of Contra:Jon: Im gettin a little worn out at this point. I think I gotta take a rest. How about we book a room at the Oto-ototel and have a nice NaNaNaNaNAP!
- Listing off all of the ripoffs, we get this in the middle:Jon: Horrible Area? Ya got that right!
- The ending: Jon himself becomes a bootleg master with the help of Bootleg Michael Jackson.
- His book pick of the month for Audible: Fifty Shades of Grey.Jon: "Oh, Crap!. That's not the right book."
- A meta example in the comments, regarding the final game shown:STAR_: You spoiled the big reveal. I'm America's 51st state.
- The thumbnail to this review is either really funny or really creepy, depending on who you ask.
- Jon's opening lines.Jon: It's Christmas time. A time to spend with friends, family, and of course little baby JC over here! How you enjoying your birthday, buddy? You ain't go much time left, so live it up now, I mean they do some fucked up shit to you! Like, they fuck you up, dude.
Song: ~Because they're coming straight for you~
- Followed by him declaring that he's gonna sit back and play a Nintendo game so he can have a well-deserved break. Smash Cut to a scene of a horse climbing into a cannon and launching itself across the horizon.
(cut back to Jon as the camera slowly zooms in on his face while "Christmas Time Is Here" plays in the background)
Jon: There's no rest for a JonTron... Is there?
- The game's opening cutscene, which is probably worse than even Foodfight!! (graphically and writing-wise), involves a librarian coercing an avid reader of the Bible, telling him that he reads too much (remember, this is coming from a librarian). Reuben the bible-reader seems like the Only Sane Man, until he suggests that they start racing inside the library, and then abruptly, with no explanation, everyone in the library suddenly turns into animals."What else could ever happen to us, today?" ~Horse
Jon: Lady, you just got turned into a horse! I'm 'onna say sky's the limit!
- That cutscene just has so many moments that fall into this, including the "hand of a defeated man", the SICK BURN given to the Bible reader (followed by UNWARRANTED SELF-LOATHING), and the Bible reader slowly popping up from behind his desk with drainage pipe sound effects. Jon admitted he had been actually rendered completely speechless by that last one.
- "I shit back here!"
- When Reuben starts running, Hannah is shown with an attempt at a shocked expression. Cut to Jon imitating Hannah, complete with glasses.
- "Now, Reuben, you know that's a loaded question!"
- His creature party song is priceless.♫~ Jewish rhino, top hat pig, dancin' lamb dusn'no he's bout to get slaughtered! I don't know what- that- is on the right, I think- it might be a PHARAOH GOAT! ~♫
- Jon reads the character descriptions, which includes "warrior", "courageous", and..."swim champion".Jon: One of them fought and died for their cause. The other one, ehh-did a mean backstroke at summer camp.
- He notices that a specific credit was given to the person who modeled Tamar the Tiger. His reaction when he sees Tamar "dancing" makes it funnier.Jon: Oh, I take it AAAAALLLLL back! I can see now that an explicit credit was necessary!
- When the race begins in a walled environment:Jon: This is like a bad day at the Bronx Zoo...
- His reaction to his character falling at a... disturbing camera angle.Jon: Ooooohhh...
(The camera adjusts to an uncomfortable view of the pig's face as he falls down the waterfall.)
Jon: OOOOOOHHHHHHH! BOAT! (wild screams) Is this a glitch?! What the fuck!?
- Jon commenting on the graphics:
- The victory "cutscene" (If you can even call it that), with a build up of Jon begging for it not to happen.
Announcer (low-pitched and slurred): Give thanks to God in Heaven.Jon: Wanna run that by me one more time, maybe this time with one less Vicodin jammed down your throat?
- As Jon points out, there seems to be no actual goal of the game other than winning the race and watching Noah doing his magical firework dance.
- At the victory cutscene:
- There's also this gem:
- Jon poking fun at Noah's position at the end of a race:Jon: (As Noah) All the gold is yours now! Also I'm the Lincoln Memorial with gold or banana peels! The graphics aren't good enough to tell! ...you still get to stare at my dick though.
- "EVERYBODY'S UP FOR A NOAH PARTY"
- Jon questions the game's affiliation with God.
- Jon's ascending to Heaven ("Oh, I'm coming Lord!") due to his sheep driving a flying steam train into a John 3:16 billboard where each boxcar instantaneously explodes into fireworks upon impact — and yes, this actually happened in the game!! As this text helpfully points out:
- Jon pondering what the parents of the game's creator had to do to him so that he could create a game like this.
- Jon trying to sing a song about the in-game environment.Jon: (singing) I don't even know what the fuck is your problem, there's a cocaine police boat! ...FROM MIAMI. But that's OK, 'cause WHY NOT? I did a bunch of coke before I made this game!
- Jon mocks the juxtaposition of random-ass visuals and overtly religious background vocals.Womans Disembodied Voice: Praise the Lord!
Jon: *in the same breathy saccharine tone* Praise the Lord! And by praise the lord I mean look at this bridge filled with dinosaurs, pterodactyls, and a teetering station car. If that doesnt get the point of the Lord across, I just dont know what will!
(Cut to Jon praying into heavenly light)
Jon: Lord please just give me a sign. Where you going with this shit?
- Jon just trying his best to find the words to his reaction of a goat riding a missile. And then his reaction to the fact they're ''heading towards the moon.''Jon: Y'know, to the moon though. To the moon. To the moon! TO THE MOON THOUGH! YOU'RE JUST TAKIN' ME TO THE MOON!!!(subtitle: YOGURT'S TAKIN' ME TO THE MOON!!!)
- The ending: Jon calls the United States Government so they could cancel Christmas. They put him on hold to transfer him to the governments of other countries so he can cancel Christmas worldwide.
JonTron State of Affairs
- "JonTron State of Affairs", aside from being a reassurance that he hasn't stopped unannounced, also contains some funny moments, both scripted and non.
- The video starts with Jon staring straight ahead as the screen is overwhelmed with comments complaining about Jon's lack of activity and Jacques tries to chew on Jon's lip. Then, absolutely out of nowhere, Jon begins belting out "Nessun Dorma" (with Jacques hanging on for dear life from his shirt), transitioning outside and buying food from a Halal food stand. When the music ends, the stand owner then comments that Jon buys from him every day.
- Jacques attempts to bite Jon's lip repeatedly. Once he gets tired of it, he moves him to his hand. Where he then poops. Jon moves him to the computer monitor, citing that he can't cause much trouble there. Jacques proceeds to flutter off of it and behind the computer. Jon just gives up and doesn't have him in the rest of the video.
- At one point Jon is interrupted by Jacques plummeting from the monitor, next shot is of Jon's back to the camera as he says in a pseudo-baby voice, "Did ya fall down over hurr?"
- "I wanna make the videos for ya, but I'm not fast enough, daddy, stop beatin me, please!"
- "YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT YOU WILL PAT FOR THIS"
- "You know, I'm the little guy! I'm the Mom-and-Pop shop, that's who you're yelling at! You're going to Mama Roroso's at the corner bakery and saying 'Fuck you! Not as much pepperoni on this pizza as the other place, Pizza Hut!'"
- The video opens with Jon having David Tennant over for Jesus' birthday... and then attacking and killing Matt Smith over what he did to David in "The End of Time". There's also the fact that they're all cardboard cutouts.
- Trying to get David to say "Allons-y!"... by smacking his crotch.
- His decision to sing "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" as he begins cutting up Matt's body in the shower.
- Just the fact that the video abruptly cuts from Jon dumping a duffle bag containing Matt in the river to Jon announcing he's going to Magfest.
- "I also have a Kim-Jong Il one; I didn't use him for the video." (draws a Hitler mustache on it) (punches him in the face)
Diablo III Hardcore!
CONKER IS TOTALLY BACK GUYS
- Jon's reaction to Conker appearing in Project Spark. All of it. Laughing the entire time, he vomits blood, flushes his X-Box games down the toilet and then proceeds to stab his X Box One in its box with a kitchen knife to the finale of Stravinsky's Firebird while sobbing "I love you! I love yo~o~o~ou!..."Jon: I been waitin' for ya to come home, baby.Conker: Guess we'll have to make our own [game]!Microsoft Studios: Actually Fuck You
How to Play Valiant Hearts
- Despite being a sponsored video, the Valiant Hearts video is still unbelievably hilarious.
Narrator: After the assassination of Prince Franz Ferdinand...
- Prince Franz Ferdinand:
Jon: That's horrible, I don't like that band that much anyway, though.
Jon: First step: Don't g- don't go to war. Not a good idea.
- The first in-game step:
Jon: I don't even have to listen to you, do I? You're just gonna keep doing that, alright, I'm going the other way [turns around, walks away from building] Fuck this, I'm not doing the war, fuck you! Yeah, step four, didn't change, don't go to war! I'm serious! Get outta here, this is not- this is- [reaches invisible wall] oh nooo...! [beat] Step 5: You gotta go to war.
- Or this bit:Narrator: The German Empire declares war on Russia.Jon: Heh. Yeah, what else is new.Narrator: France is preparing for conflict.
Offical JonTron MERCH!!
- Jon wakes up and brews a cup of JonTron Coffee. The blend? The "ECH Roast".
- The coffee commercial being abruptly cut off with Jon's face suddenly falling and a record scratch.Jon: Aw, crap. This commercial is supposed to be for that shirt over there...and that other shirt...and that exclusive shirt that girl is modeling right now...
- Jon realizes he doesn't even own a coffee company. Now curious he reaches into the can of ECH Roast...Jon: Wait a second. I don't even own a coffee company. *Slowly pulls a gun out of the coffee can* There's just a g--there's a gun in here...
- A bit meta, but this tweet from the site hosting said merchandise after the video launched.''We're sorry, @JonTronShow dropped an EchBomb on our server. We're bolting everything down."
A JonTron's Winter Tale