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Funny moments from Season 4 of JonTron. For the main index, see here.

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"This is Phil Swift with Flex Tape, I'm a prostitute!"

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Full Episodes

     Vanilla Ice: Cool as Ice 
  • The very first shot of the episode is a frozen-over Jon, residing in an ice-covered set. Jon goes on to explain how he tried to emulate Vanilla Ice and be "cool", which quickly took a turn for the literal.
    • Jon then tells the story of how he broke into the Hall of Coolness to find a person to emulate. His options are Stevie Wonder ("Pretty cool, but he can't see. I need eyes.), Rocket Raccoon ("Too topical. Also, not human."), Cher ("The epitome of being dank, but I just- I don- I just don't really wanna be Cher, to be honest."), and Vanilla Ice. He then goes to kill the "guards" of the museum with a hastily drawn katana.
    • Afterwards he has understandable frustration on the whole thing.
      Jon: Alright, the results okay they haven't been stunning. Frankly, I feel like I might be less cool than before. But you just get to a point where it basically sunk cost, you gotta cut the loss... (Punches the framed picture of Vanilla Ice) Stupid piece of shi- Fuck, not even that fucking cool!
  • "How about we watch the literal, actual Vanilla Ice movie I didn't know existed called "Cool as Ice", because our Divine Creator has a sick, twisted sense of humor and doesn't want us to be happy."
  • Jon's reaction towards the intro of the movie where he starts to like it... Until Vanilla Ice comes along.
    Jon: Oh, now that's cool... I'm jumpin', I'm jivin'... (Vanilla Ice finally appears) And... It's gone... It's gone, It's absolutely gone, it's ruined, unsalvageable...
  • Jon's confusion at Ice's brick-like hairstyle.
    Jon: (deep breath) My boy! That shit does not belong on a head, it belongs in an exhibit!
    (cut to Jon dressed in a suit, demonstrating several such hairstyles in the "Hair Museum of Architecture")
  • Vanilla and his posse stop in the middle of the street and block an intersection... for some reason. Jon wonders how you can even write a scene like that.
    Screenwriter: Exterior. Small Town, America. Day. They ride up to the middle of an intersection. Then, they get off. Then, they stand. Do I- Is there more, or do I get my Oscar now?
  • Jon's reaction to the famous "drop that zero and get with the hero" line.
  • Vanilla's rapping is so bad that Jon's eardrums eventually explode. Also counts as Nightmare Fuel.
  • Jon's recreation of the creepy scene where Ice wakes Kathy up with an ice cube to go out for the day. His version has him smashing the bedroom window, and saying, in a high-pitched Southern accent, "Rise and shine, bitch, we're goin' to Disneyland!" He then tosses an entire bucket of ice cubes over the girl in bed, which completely covers her.
    • Bonus points for her visibly trying not to Corpse under the pile of ice.
  • Ice declares his love for Kathy
    Kathy: Oh, yeah?
    Ice: Oh, yeah.
    Jon: Oh, no.
  • "What's it like, you know having parents and all that stuff. Brother...all that...stuff, y'know."
    Alien!Jon: I am simply asking a normal human question out of curiosity not to mine data HUMAAAAANNNNNN.
  • "Straight up FACT."
    Jon: What are you saying, why are words allowed to escape your face?
  • Kathy's father reveals that his real name was Hackett. More specifically, James Anthony Hackett. Or Jimmy.
    Jon: Jimbo, Jim-Jar, sometimes down at the pub they'd call me Dan, but my name isn't "Dan". I was once visited by an alien species. They referred to me as [cue incomprehensible distortion]. I've never been able to unhear or unsee that.
  • Two mafia goons capture Kathy's brother, Tommy, for ransom money from the two antagonists that are pursuing Hackett. The two men force Tommy to make a ransom tape, detailing that they've told the kid some of his dad's more... sordid secrets.
    Jon!Tommy: When they told me about your secret stash of tentacle hentai, I was mainly just surprised. But I really couldn't see you the same way again after they showed me pictures of you tarring Grandma's ashes to your body and doing a Bolivian Rain Dance.
  • At the end of the video, Jon goes to do what he always does between videos: cryonically freeze himself for 6 to 8 months. He gets in the machine and switches it on... only for it to put him back in the Elsa costume instead.
    Jon: Oh, that's funny. Which one of you numbskulls, which one of you fffFUCKIN' RASCALS PUT ME UP TO THIS ONE?! All right?! You know what I meant! I said make me- y'know, I wanna be frozen, like in the beginning, show the beginning. What am- what am I? [takes off wig and angrily throws it to the ground] You're all a buncha FUCKIN' COMEDIANS, aren't you?! YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN HAVIN' TROUBLE AT HOME! I'M INCONTINENT THESE DAYS, I JUST GOTTA GET THE SHOT DONE AND LEAVE!
    • Jon barely keeping a straight face during the rant.
  • "Yeah what's your problem!? You acting like I just jumped a fence on a motorcycle making you fall off your horse, and nearly break your spine!"

    Waterproofing My Life With FLEX TAPE 
  • The very start of the video deserves a mention.
    (Blood bag bursts)
    Jon: Agh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood from my blood bag is spilling on my computer AAAAAGHHH! If only there was some way to fix this!
    (A hand comes out of nowhere and sloppily slaps flex tape onto the hole)
    Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!
  • "FLEX TAPE! Okay, you heard about this stuff! I mean, this is basically— have you heard of JESUS?! WELL EVEN HE COULDN'T DO AS MUCH AS FLEX TAPE, APPARENTLY!"
  • After Phil Swift dramatically slaps Flex Tape over a leak, Jon replays the clip, sets it to the crescendo of "Ghost Love Score", and inserts an audio clip of The Tourettes Guy yelling "OH SHIT!"
  • Jon notices that a lot of these infomercial hosts have similar all-American names.
    Jon: You gotta love— It's always a guy like "Phil Swift", "Johnny Starr". You never get a guy comin' out like, [speaking in Russian(?) accent with large mustache superimposed on his face] "It's me, Josephi Krakowski, with Flex Tape!"
  • Along with RVs and roofs, Jon suggests using Flex Tape on an artery during open heart surgery.
  • Phil Swift uses a length of flex tape to lift a 45 pound weight with one hand.
    Phil Swift: Flex Tape is super strong!
    Jon: Flex Tape ain't super strong, Phil, you're super strong!
    Phil Swift: And once it's on, it holds on tight!
    Jon: I got a couple pictures of Phil, uh, in my house on the wall. May or may not have Photoshopped his undies off. Might- may or may or may not have Photoshopped his wiener on. (Corpses) I've done it though, really, it's serious. It's a problem.
  • When Phil Swift is advertising Flex Seal, he demonstrates by using it to seal up a colander. Jon questions the practicality.
    Phil Swift: Phil Swift here for Flex Seal, the easy way to stop leaks fast!
    Jon: That's a colander, Phil. It's supposed to have holes and leaks. What you've done is you've essentially made a bowl.
    Phil Swift: The easy way to stop leaks fast!
    Jon: Phil, you make me angry, Phil! (Grabs a pot) Could've just grabbed one of these, Phil! Don't need Flex Seal! Look at its curvature! The easy way to have a bowl without creating one out of a colander!
  • Flex Seal can apparently be used to create rubber handles for your tools by dipping your tools in it, a utility which catches Jon off guard.
    Phil Swift: Even dip all your tools...for a tough no-slip grip!
    Jon: Even dip all your tools!? I can understand the other two, like there's some application, but how do you go from, like, "You can stop water from going through cracks! Weatherproof some of your outdoor materials! Dip your tools in this shit, I dunno!"
    • Jon then proceeds to dunk an entire functioning power drill in Flex Seal. Then he demonstrates how Flex Seal can be used to cure alcoholism by sealing all of the liquor bottles shut so that nobody can open them.
    Jon: Grandpa hitting the sauce a little too much, think he's a little too old for that? *dips the bottle* Done. He ain't gettin' in there.
  • The first time Phil stabs a bucket:
    Phil: (grunting with each stab) That's a lotta damage!
    Jon: That's a LOTTA DAA MIDGE
    Phil: That's a lotta damage!
    Jon: That's not that much damage, really, Phil. That's not—it could be worse...
  • In the last infomercial, Jon thinks Phil has gone completely off the deep end with his demonstrations (especially since this time, Phil is holding a knife and has a chainsaw on hand), and he notes that the vehement "Don't Try This!" warnings (which notably omit the "at home" part) seem to agree.
    Jon: "Seriously, do not tr-never attempt this! Phil has gone too far, he has sniffed too much Flex Glue, and now all he can see is Martians!!"
  • Jon notes that the spray Flex Seal is rather inefficient at patching holes, which even the company acknowledges by mentioning that many coats may be needed, and he says at that rate, there's going to be more Flex Seal than bucket at the end of a patch job. Cut to Jon, labeled "MAN WHO SPENT $356.87 ON FLEX SEAL", with a heavy bucket filled with solid Flex Seal about one inch from the brim. He then demonstrates the seal and asserts that there is no detriment to the bucket's volume or weight from the repairs and claims it is superior to just buying a new bucket.
  • Jon acts as though Phil's analysis of the bucket's damage is a graphic live autopsy and begs consideration for the poor bucket's family, who shouldn't have to watch such violence on TV.
  • Jon begins stabbing a bucket with a knife like Phil Swift, then quickly realizes it's a bad idea.
    Jon: Yeah I bet you wish you were a little nicer to me now, huh? Used to call me Eduardo Squidwardo behind my back, you think I didn't notice, huh!? I'm gonna give you lotsa damage! (Stops stabbing the bucket and turns to the camera) I feel like I could actually- actually kill myself this way by stabbing directly into my heart, so I'm gonna prob- I'm gonna stop, for real.
  • The Stinger of the video has text that reads "THIS IS A CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD, TURN THAT GREEN DAY AND SNOOP DOGG OFF IMMEDIATELY".
  • Jon's constant lampshading of Phil Swift's over-enthusiasm about the Flex products, to the point of almost Crossing the Line Twice territory.
  • "Oh Phil, our Prometheus. What fire of knowledge do you bring to us mortals today?"
  • The ending. It starts with Jon slapping a piece of Flex Tape on his ass and ends with, well, the image above.
    Jon: If you do the thing, and you do it right, and you don't fuck it up, it works! It just works! Slap it on my butt, keep that poo in for as long as you can. When it finally comes out, by golly that's gonna feel like the best shit you've ever taken!
  • The Stinger of the video, where Jon has apparently taken the above ending to its logical conclusion and made himself invincible with Flex Tape, is as hilarious as it is disturbing.
    THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO PLAY GOD! *Echoing scream*
  • The Running Gag of Phil using Flex Seal products to build boats, and JonTron's staunch refusal to believe that only Flex Seal is holding the boat together.

     TURDUCKEN CHEF 
  • "True story, this is a dish so vile, that PETA made a video condemning it". Cue Jon showing the video in question.
  • Jon shows off the chicken, which came from FreeBird. "In the Arms of an Angel" starts to play, while a quote from the chicken, "Free at last!", flashes onscreen.
  • Even the mission statement for the video's gold.
    Jon: So now I, with uh, literally zero training, am about to try to cook this thing. As you can see the level is advanced... baby, I burn eggs.
  • Jon accidentally cuts himself while deboning the chicken, leaving him wondering:
    Jon (concerned): Can I get salmonella in the blood stream? (Cue the editor clarifying that no, he can't, but also stating that he CAN get AIDS)
  • "THAAAAAAT'S A LOOOOOOOTTA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAGE"
  • Jon's story of how he got the duck.
    Jon: Now if you wanna know about this bad boy, I went to my local meat market that sells "hard-to-find game" here in New York City, and I said "You got duck?" And they said "We're all out of duck. The last guy just bought it." And I said "Are you fucking kidding me, this is what always happens to me, fuck my life. Is there anywhere else here that sells duck?" And he says "Duck? In this city? No way." Apparently he hadn't ever head of Chinatown! Cause I took the subway, I took the one line straight down to Chinatown, baby! Peking Duck! An emotionless Chinese man sold that to me, by golly! I don't if that's safe to eat! Listen, I love Beijing, I love the Chinese, but I'm a little skeptical of your duck.
  • "PAULA DEEN IS THE REASON ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD!!"
  • The ending quote
    "The latest episode of JonTron has convinced me that comedy might be dead, and I've seen John Oliver. ~Forbes"
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    Weird Workout Videos 
  • While working out in Central Park, Jon brags about how he's so fit and in shape that he's free to eat a hot dog without any worry of fatigue. The second time we see him go to a hot dog stand, the vendor refuses to give him any more because he's been going there every fifteen minutes.
    Jon: The strange hot dog wizard was clearly sick of seeing me succeed. How can he understand...?
  • One of the things featured is Zuiikin' English, the Japanese workout/educational TV show most infamous for its "I have a bad case of diarrhea" routine. And yes, that very routine was featured in Jon's video.
    • Jon pointing out that Zuiikin' English was one of several oddities broadcast in the wee hours on Fuji Television, who wanted to use those slots to crank out fresh new ideas. To quote the show's Wikipedia page: "One such program tried to help viewers to fall asleep while another showed an actor reading out a well-known novel and nothing else."
    • A woman is robbed by two English speaking robbers, and one of them has the brilliant disguise of a single piece of cloth around his head with the knot under his nose. It doesn't cover very much.
    Jon: So who am I, huh, I'm just friendly Jon. (Ties cloth around his head in the same way) Who am I now? Who am I now? It could happen just like that. (Pulls out a revolver) You wouldn't even see it coming. (Pulls out a cake stirrer which makes knife noises) That's why you gotta be careful. You better have watched Zuiikin English, so you could figure out how to respond to this. Even we don't know, we speak the language.
  • As he starts seeing the poodles in Mariko Takahashi's Fitness Video, Jon's apartment slowly descends into what is presumably Hell as he stares on in horror.
    • Jon decides to follow suit with the regiment set by the video. Which means he's doing exercises with real life dogs running around.
      Jon (giggling): Where you going? Huh? We're gonna work out.
  • Jonny Jon's Gamer Zone, with Jon as an obnoxious sexed-up parody of Mark Wahlberg.
    • Jon genuinely losing his shit when Mark Wahlberg randomly screams out "POW!"
    ES DE MUNKE DEE COCK DEE
    • "OH GOD, IT'S SELF-AWARE!"

    Saban's VR Troopers 
  • Jon starts off the episode by showing off what actual virtual reality has become... a player with a thick foreign accent and a Piglet avatar suggestively asking Jon to touch his ears, and then to commit suicide with him by jumping off a cliff.
    Text Overlay: WE STRAY FURTHER FROM GOD WITH EACH PASSING DAY
  • Jon's first VR Headset is just a Virtual Boy that he tapes to his face. He doesn't even bother cutting the tape and leaves the roll dangling.
  • Jon repeatedly pokes at actor Julian Combs' constant depressed expression and deadpan delivery as the Professor, once again referring to The Tourettes Guy to make his point.
    Danny's Son: Dad, I heard he killed himself.
    Danny: I'd kill myself too if my last name was... COOOOOMBS!note 
  • Jon inserts himself into the title sequence of "VR Troopers" dressed as a chef with a fake mustache, turning around to flip off the camera with a grin. The credit is given as "Casey Ryback as Chef La Merde".
  • The Running Gag of pointing out how many times the Professor has his face too close to the screen.
  • TARGET IS GAYnote 
  • Jon mocks the use of an incredibly conspicuous greenscreen by trying to run to the bridge via greenscreen himself. He breaks through the greenscreen immediately. Cue "Mad World."
    ONE SEEKS THE TRUTH BUT KNOWS NOT THE DANGER
  • When Jon gets his own VR headset, he instead gets several rather revealing scenes from Dead or Alive Xtreme.
    • Soon, he starts seeing the reality barrier...
      Jon: Okay, turn the— turn the virtual reality off, that's a— that's a little too much virtual reality.
  • When he's knocked out, Ryan has a flashback to when he was a kid. Jon thinks that the accident somehow turned him into a baby.
    Ryan: I tried my best, but I'm not good at this. I'm a ferrier.
    Jon: You're not a ferrier son! You're just a regular old run-of-the-mill failure! Don't be so easy on yourself!
  • When Jon learns the protagonists can use a floppy disk to contact Professor Hart on any computer, this causes him to reminisce about his own disk, though he remembered things a little differently. Cue Jon inserting a crudely labeled disk into a PC, resulting in an Asian man with a bad case of Asian Speekee Engrish appearing on screen. Jon's reaction is priceless.
    "GODDAMN EBAY CHINESE KNOCKOFFS!!" *kicks monitor*
  • When the villain of the VR Troopers says "What's the name of this game? I WIN!", Jon pulls out a board game called "I Win", with a big picture of his face on the front, and plays a game, which consists of moving his piece directly from the start square to the only other square, a square that says "I Win!" on it, again with his face on it.
    Jon: Man, I remember that being a lot more fun when I was younger.

    Flex Tape II: The Flexening 

     Soulja Boy Makes A Video Game Console 
  • At the beginning, Jon tells an unrelated story, saying he bought a pair of white dress pants for an event, but that the anti-theft ink tag wasn't removed upon purchase. Because going back to the store with the tagged pants to ask for the tag's removal will make him look like the world's dumbest shoplifter, he is unsure if he will just have to go to the event with the tag still on the pants.
  • Jon's frustration with the SouljaGame not just being called the SouljaBoy, and later being pleased to see another console is.
  • About the entirety of the video is just Jon cracking up about every consecutive bit of information given out about Soulja Boy's console.
  • "MOVE OVER ELON MUSK!" [smacks away a picture of Musk smoking a joint]
  • The Overly Long Gag of Jon slapping JonTron logos on various objects.
    Jon: (slaps a logo on his refrigerator) I make fridges!
    (slaps a logo on a fire extinguisher) I make fire extinguishers!
    (slaps a logo on a thermostat) I make thermostats!
    (slaps a logo on a ceramic Christmas tree) I make Christmas! (logo falls off) Oh shit.
    (slaps a logo on a picture of a cat) I make cats!
    (slaps a logo on a picture of chips and salsa) I make salsa!
    (slaps a logo on a picture of the Danish flag) I make the Danish!
    (slaps a logo on a picture of Danish pastries) I make the Danish!

     Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Skull Vodka 
  • The opening skit is a simultaneous Take That! at Late Night Talk Shows, YouTube's current algorithms, and Ghostbusters (2016), with Jon referring to the former as a specter desperately trying to regain relevance despite getting the Trending tab on YouTube, and the latter being implied when he wonders if there are any other Ghostbusters he can call after realizing only Dan Aykroyd of the original Ghostbusters will likely answer him...only to immediately go bug-eyed and state Dan'll have to do.
  • Jon leaves his apartment and the haunted TV starts vomiting ectoplasm everywhere. Jon promptly walks back in to specifically ask that the ghost not spew ectoplasm everywhere and groans when he sees what’s happened.
  • "Ayyyyyyyyyy-kroyd."
  • Jon explaining why the vodka is special.
    Jon: But anyways, this vodka is very special. Mainly because Dan Aykroyd is 100% butt-fuck insane.
  • The fact that Aykroyd takes almost five minutes to get to the point of his own advertisement, namely the vodka he’s selling. He spends the first chunk of the ad going on a long-winded and bizarre speech about the paranormal that leaves Jon questioning Dan’s sanity.
    Jon: (ringing a loud bell) Four minutes and fifty six seconds! That's four minutes and fifty-six seconds this man took to say the word VODKA in this commercial about VODKA!
  • Jon poking fun at the fact that Dan had "demanding specifications" when designing the skull bottle, which leads into this bit:
    (Cuts to three people being tied up in what appears to be a cellar)
    Aykroyd!Jon: (holding a clearly fake, misshapen skull) You charlatans dare call this a skull!? My specifications were demanding, I tell you! Demanding! I don't recall asking for Sloth from the Goonies!
    Employee: We're sorry Mr. Aykroyd, but that's what your nana's skull looks like!
    Aykroyd!Jon: SILENCE!
    *Cue the Ghostbusters theme, with everyone turning away in horror*
    • While discussing the concept of crystal skulls, Dan brings up the Navajo people. Jon suggests that Dan not bring the Navajo into this, saying he’s fairly certain that their mythology is far more sensible than the crap Dan’s talking about.
    • Dan also mentions how one of the real life crystal skulls is purported to be haunted by its owner, who keeps it stored away in a closet. Jon immediately starts cracking up at the thought of a priceless artifact being flung into a coat closet with a bunch of junk because it's haunted.
  • Throughout the video, Jon repeatedly points out the absurdity of Dan Aykroyd selling vodka in a bottle shaped like a skull.
    Dan: The obvious question is: why did we do this?
    (cut back to Jon, head in his hands, shaking with repressed crying/laughter)
    Jon: (ringing a loud bell) Yes, Dan, indeed you've done it! That is the question of the hour!
  • When Aykroyd gives the word over to his business partner, "Phil Power", of the Newfoundland Liquor Corporation, Jon appears in the role of Arnold Cafferty, a Canadian distillery owner "unacquainted with Dan Aykroyd", who is scared and confused as to why Aykroyd insisted on setting up operation in his distillery and calling him "Phil Power":
    Arnold Cafferty: Listen! I do not know this man! I do not represent his vodka! All I know is that one day he bursts in here! He just— Like this; he just goes: (kicks a barrel repeatedly) "MY VODKA! I WANT MY VODKA!"
    • Arnold Cafferty then begs any viewers to contact his son Thomas on his "webzone", if they know how he can get out of the deal Aykroyd has apparently forced him into. A shot of said webzone includes a written testimony from Arnold Cafferty, who at first thought Aykroyd was some disgruntled costumer or a homeless man who had wandered in from the street:
      Arnold Cafferty: I have never been so scared of anything in my life. I duck-dived as quickly as fast as I could for my "Moose-Elimination Rod" to try and defend myself, but it was too little, too late. By the time I got hold of it, Dan had already converted my plant to a "Ghost Bottling Plant" and also began sending his emissaries to colonize the Netherlands. Overall, this was one bad weekend...
  • When Aykroyd throws some shade at the urban pollution of New York, Jon gets mad and decides to go for a leisurely walk to embrace the city he loves. Cue Jon coming across garbage, potholes, broken payphones and Penn Station all the while choking and coughing from all the crap in the air. It climaxes with him asking a homeless man for a sip from his bottle to clear his lungs:
    Homeless Guy: (patting Jon on the back) It's all right. It's all right.
    Jon: (pushing him away and stealing his bottle)'' GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YOU STUPID HIPSTER!
    • Jon’s reaction to the statue at Penn State also deserves mention, just for the sheer nonsensical image going through Jon's head when he comments on it.
      Jon: (coughs and gags) What is this?! Two guys from Minecraft fucking!?
    • What seals the moment is that he asks this loud enough that one of the two people in the background turns towards him, likely in confusion or baffled by what Jon just said.
  • Jon appears a little unnerved that the vodka is quadruple-distilled.
    Jon: (writes on a whiteboard) Squared and cubed to the power of four... that's too much distillation, guys. What are you, crazy? You think the world's ready for this? We just got used to pop-punk.
  • After the ad claims that Dan’s vodka is filtered through diamonds, an incredulous Jon begins questioning this, which eventually spirals into him doing complex math equations, complete with an animated educational-video segment to discern how many carats of diamonds Dan Aykroyd is worth.
    Jon (as Phil Powers): I turned to him and I said "Dan? What the actual fuck did you just say to me right now? Get out of my... sight. Get out of my sight."
    • Jon starts taking the whole thing a bit too literally and begins trying to filter vodka through a cardboard cutout of Dan Aykroyd whilst talking to it as if it's the real deal, all while in a room which resembles a filthy basement meth lab. He even goes through the effort of handcuffing the cutout to a boiler, as if it’s going to try and escape. At this point he's basically channeling Mr. Plinkett!
    • Not to mention that all of this is set to the background of a horribly distorted and barely recognizable version of the Ghostbusters theme song.
    • After all the trouble he goes through, the matter is immediately rendered pointless when the ad casually reveals that they didn’t use literal diamonds, they used Herkimer Diamonds, which are actually a type of quartz that are "double-terminated." Jon gives a "well, of course"-style reaction and it cuts to a Terminator-esque skit.
      Jon: (dressed as the Terminator) Prepare to be double-terminated! (shoots a block of quartz until it explodes, with the title Herkimer 2: Filtration Day appearing in the Terminator font)
  • At the end, Jon shows various interviews Dan Aykroyd did to advertise the vodka; in almost every single one, the interviewers seem either mildly creeped out by him or to be subtly making fun of him. Special mention goes to Larry King, who does a visible Double Take when Dan is weirdly insistent that the vodka contains no glycol.
    • Jon makes a joke about Dan’s vodka tasting like shit and Larry King being too nice to tell him so... then backpedals and admits that it’s actually pretty good.
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     Workplace Safety 
  • The music used in the transitions to each safety video is an 8-bit rendition of "Safety Dance".
  • The video begins with Jon demonstrating what a typical work safety video tends to look like; he touches the side of a boiling kettle, recoils in pain, and shouts "OW! HEAT WAS HOT!" with the most surprised expression imaginable.
    Text: [with sad music playing] THIS PREVENTABLE TRAGEDY STRIKES MILLIONS YEARLY WORLDWIDE
  • The first video Jon watches, “Think About This”, has people dying in (unintentionally) Bloody Hilarious ways while a mind-numbingly horrible singer shrieks out a song about workplace safety. Jon takes particular bemusement from the part where a worker drops a wrench off a balcony for no readily apparent reason and the wrench impales another worker below through the head like a spear, with the victim screaming like he sprained his leg instead of immediately dying.
    • One of the deaths isn't even an accident; the guy goes into a potentially radioactive room without wearing a hazmat suit because it's hot outside. Jon is quick to note that work safety rules do not cover blinding stupidity.
      Jon: What the fuck you think was gonna happen!?
    • For all his criticism, Jon does give the video one point of praise; it doesn’t pussyfoot around the message and pretty much commands you to not die at work. This is followed by a skit of a foreman furiously screaming at a dead body impaled on a rebar pipe and calling it a terrible employee for dying on the job.
      Foreman: WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR?! WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR?! [kicks body] YOU'RE LITERALLY LESS THAN USELESS! MY PARAPLEGIC GRANDMA CAN DO MORE THAN YOU, GOD DAMMIT!
    • When he first hears the singing, Jon starts to meditate, since it's so off-key it sounds like spiritual music.
    • Later, he starts imitating the singing.
      Jon: Dooon't die, doon't die, please don't die, you were alive before you dieeeed!~
  • "Coughs And Sneezes" treats a guy sneezing like it’s the most rude, disgusting, and horrifying thing on Earth, culminating in the narrator ranting at him viciously to use a handkerchief. As he does so, the sneezer inexplicably starts crying as if in horrible pain, leaving Jon feeling like he just watched a man get Mind-Raped.
  • After seeing a safety video about safe lifting of objects, Jon is baffled by the bizarrely stiff demonstration and decides to do it better, with a ridiculously sensual butt-heavy lifting video. It being set to Mariah's theme is on another level of comedy that makes far too much sense.
  • Jon’s onscreen screw up of confusing Sebastian the Crab for Sylvester the Cat, complete with an image of Sebastian’s head on Sylvester’s body. The look of confusion on Jon’s face and his realization he screwed up sells it all.
  • The entirety of the food handler safety video, from the health inspector's critiques towards one of the employees making it seem more and more like that employee is trying to cover up a murder, to the revelation that that same employee didn't even actually work there and was only there to steal some food. That bizarre plot twist was not added by Jon in any capacity.
    Jon: Harry got away with the watermelon scot-free! You gotta be ffffffuckin' kiddin' me! He got away this whole time! You bastards! You've been hoodwinked!
    • When Harry is criticized for blood being on the lettuce, Jon is surprised, since it seems like his suspicion of a murder scene is coming true. Cut to Jon as a health inspector finding even sketchier things.
    Jon: Now, Harry, hwat is going on here? *pan to fingers in a plate of greens* You got fingers in the spinach, *pan to a foot in another pan of greens* a foot in the arugula... *pan to Jon pointing at a head in a third pan, with lettuce in it* and that's just bringing a whole new meaning to "a head of lettuce"!
  • The Air New Zealand Safety Video, which uses characters from the Lord of the Rings movies, has a moment in which Jon deconstructs the ridiculous nature of seeing these fantasy characters putting on an oxygen mask. The funny part is that the way he portrays it makes it sound like he’s pointing out a glaring plot hole in the story.
    Jon: I’ve seen an elf woman make a wall of horse water destroy a bunch of ringwraiths, and I’m supposed to believe she needs a gas mask? She’s immortal, God dammit!
    • Then there's the instruction segment about where life jackets are located, depending on the seating.
      Jon, in a New Zealand accent: And if you're a peasant in economy class, your life jacket's up in Isengard. Ha-ha, just kidding, you don't have one!
  • Jon being completely stunned to learn that a company is charging almost $500 for a 16 minute video about staying in the shade and drinking cold water. He also learns that it's the company's best-selling video, above a more important video about critical water supply safety.
    • Said heat video, while listing various heat related ailments, mentions heat syncope (i.e., fainting due to excess heat). Jon doesn’t know what that is, and he suspects the creators don’t know either, since it’s represented in the video with a guy saying “I don’t feel so good” instead of listing or depicting any symptoms.
      • The Infinity War memes in the comments that line inspired are even funnier.
  • A scene of a man tripping on a pen in one video is edited to make it seem like the pen goes flying off and destroys a building while Jon shouts "Oh, the Humanity!" before the pen blows up him as well.
  • One video, "The Fatal Half-Inch", encourages viewers to be hyper-vigilant at all times of even the slightest change in altitude, lest you trip and die horribly. Jon compares to a crazy conspiracy theorist’s YouTube video and begins jokingly claiming that tripping is actually caused by "Reptoids". To demonstrate, he even shows a documentary-style camcorder video of himself inspecting a crack in the sidewalk and immediately seeing a man with a lizard head...whereupon Jon immediately chases him to warn him about the crack in the sidewalk in front of him.
  • As a result of all the videos, Jon shows them being applied in his workspace in his own safety video. Such scenes include his employees shuffle-crawling delicately across a "death trap" tiled floor, and an editor getting swatted for downloading a Britney Spears clip. At the end, the pen comes back and flies at the camera.
    Jon: And that's why at JonTron Incorporated, our motto's always been... "We Can't Afford Another Lawsuit!"
    • Right before this, Jon and Mike (the guy sent in to remodel the toilet) flail around with a jackhammer and a chainsaw, respectively.
    • Not to mention the pen strike damages the camera, which turns out to be mounted on a drone... that also got damaged and starts falling towards the group, who immediately run away.
     Dr Ho: License to Practice 
  • Jon starts out the video doing the Bond Gun Barrel opening, but throws out his back during the turn. We get the intro, then cut back to the same shot of Jon in pain.
    Jon: What? What, just cause the flashy intro played, you think I'm suddenly gonna be magically okay? I'm gonna be outta here? No! News Flash: I'm still in extreme pain! So, if you'd like to help, do it now, or forever rest your fucking peace, man. Oh my god, that's-that is a gun barrel pointed at me!
  • At the beginning, Jon notes that publicly-unknown doctors always have a large, perhaps excessive number of framed diplomas and certificates behind them on the wall since they have the least credibility and need to prove they're legit. Cue Jon as a doctor filming his own infomercial in front of three certificates on the wall, then asking the cameraman to move down the wall to film instead, where there is a larger group of certificates. He talks about how his patients are never satisfied, saying it's not his problem as he opens a door into a hallway that is covered walls, floor, and ceiling in endless framed certificates. The cameraman then steps on one, breaking the frame's glass, and Jon shrugs it off, since it was only about 2 bucks online.
  • A small running gag that pops up in the video involves Jon, in response to his “back pain”, yelling at children, one of them is even crying as Jon is yelling. A fine example of Crossing the Line Twice.
    Jon: Have minor shooting pains changed your character to the degree that you will just hurt someone you love who you wouldn’t have hurt before. STOP IT, JIMMY!
    Jon: Just Googling something-OH, IT STRIKES! STOP IT, JIMMY!
  • Jon concedes that while Dr. Ho's products are almost certainly a scam and don't work, at least he actually sent them to Jon unlike Soulja Boy.
  • The testimonials they got for this ad are beyond awkward and unconvincing.
    • The first guy's testimonial is very awkwardly short and has a weird pause, made even more awkward by Dr. Ho's Idiosyncratic Wipes.
      (DR. HO'S PAIN RELIEF EXPERT)
      Man: I have...no pain and I feel great.
      (DR. HO'S PAIN RELIEF EXPERT)
      Jon: (laughing) Thanks, man. Glad you could come on.
    • Next is a woman who completely fumbles her words and gets hit in the face with a wiffle ball.
      Woman: I have no back— Lower back pain when I'm— I have this belt on.
      Jon: "I'm— I have no back pain— No no, ah ah. Okay, all gone. I got no pain, no."
      Woman: —I have this belt on, playing with the kids, and I feel like—
      (video shows her throwing a wiffle ball to her son, who hits it with a bat and it comes flying straight at her face and she recoils)
      Jon: OH MY GOD! She got freaking decked in the face! They left it in, they left it in! "Back pain's all gone, but I'm working on the eye socket. I need a compression belt for, you know, this part of my cranium!"
  • While making a joke, Jon holds up his wireless keyboard, then throws it on the floor. Immediately after, he realizes that doing that probably wasn't the best idea, and finds out his keyboard is broken.
  • Jon breaking down when he hears a woman say that embracing her daughter and showing her love was "impossible" without the belt.

    JONNY NEW ENGLISH 
  • Jon's cooking skills cross the line between Supreme Chef and Achievements in Ignorance.
    • First, he makes clam chowder by throwing some whole clams (including shells) into the pot, along with a big rock he thinks is just a weird-looking clam, some onions, celery, clam juice, and something he can't even identify but guesses is crumbled up Cheerios. Note the complete lack of broth in the recipe. Yet the chowder turns out fine.
    • Second, he makes baked haddock, and warns that it's a difficult recipe so it's okay if you don't get it right on the first try. He then chops the raw haddock twice with a knife and it's instantly fully breaded, cooked, and garnished in front of him.
  • Then there's actually getting the ingredients for the two above. Fumbling among the rocky coast for clams and treating a Walmart like a Navajo gathering site is already amusing enough as is, but then he goes to an actual fishery, and starts channeling Eric Andre in terms of sheer weirdness when he begins interviewing the workers. And a lobster.
    Jon: Now, is this a consensual relationship between you and the fishmongers?
    Lobster: *complete and utter silence*
  • Taking a break from cooking, Jon visits Fort McClary State Park. Hilarity Ensues.
    Jon: Nothing gets my appetite going like the thought of thousands upon thousands of young British soldiers killing each other over what I would consider petty squabbles.
    • Jon lists the various colonial era wars the fort was part of and in the process, learns that there was a Spanish-American War. Cue him awkwardly admitting that he genuinely didn't know it happened.
      Jon: I guess... we won.
    • Visiting a rifleman's house, Jon calls out people from 1808 for not knowing how to build houses.
      Jon: [regarding the door being so high off the ground that you need to stand on a rock to reach it] I mean, really. What the fuck is this shit? [inside the house] There's no- there's no roof in here. And it's just strai- it's just straight up ground. I wouldn't wanna be the rifleman, man, he had a bad gig. Nice window, though, I guess. If you wanna fuckin' die of exposure.
  • At the end, the meal was ready, and he was telling everyone to dig in, then all of a sudden:
    Jon: [stops smiling] Hold on, actually now- now that I'm looking at it from this angle, it's all wrong! [handles the vegetables] It's all wrong! I-I don't understand like- [scoops up the chowder] Nobody from around here would eat this! Freaking settlers wouldn't have eaten this! They don't have any food, man! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE USED MORE CLAM JUICE! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE USED IT! I'M A FAILURE! [darts out of the kitchen, then walks towards a bog]
    Narrator: In his despair, Jon realized there are few things unforgivable in this world. Unfortunately, a poor clam chowder is one of them, so Jon returned to the sea from whence he came. [a splashing sound as Jon enters the water, cuts to Jon's colonial hat floating in the water] Join us next time, as we explore the dense jungles of Borneo, the smoldering pits of Mount Vesuvius, and the bombed-out wastelands of Atlantic City, New Jersey. Thank you, and goodnight!
  • In The Stinger, Jon decides to film a quickie about the house he and the crew are currently staying in. Mainly that the owner seems to have an odd obsession with decorating the house with paintings of wounded, dying or dead birds. Things get more disturbing for Jon as he comes across more and more artwork of injured animals like beached narwhals and whales.

    BUYING DUMB THINGS ONLINE 

    JT FITNESS: Sweatin' it out with OJ 

    Regis Philbin's Epic Workout 
  • For whatever reason, Jon films the "This is part 2" bit at the start in his bathroom... with his camera on his tub as he is crouched in a far off corner.
  • The section before he checks out Regis Philbin's video is full of laughs.
    • After the intro, it is revealed that on Day 21 of his fitness regime, Jon apparently overworked his arms to the point they don't work properly. This culminates in a few amusing physical gags such as talking on the phone by balancing it between his cheek and shoulder, missing the cradle when hanging up the phone, and smashing a fine china pot of artisanal coffee on the floor when he attempts to pour it (prompting an Atomic F-Bomb).
    • On Day 25, Jon goes to retrieve a pair of scissors from a drawer and ends up spontaneously suplexing the entire desk with one arm. Jon's reactions make it even funnier. He eventually retrieves from the drawer... a stapler.
      Sergio: ...But I asked for scissors.
      Jon: Ask, ask, ask! That's all you're doin'! "Can I have this? Can I have that?" How about you consider others for once?!
  • Jon mocks how Regis seems weirdly enthusiastic about how great walking is, as if he'd never experienced having to walk in his life.
    Jon: It's unbelieveable! It's like they just sprouted out of my torso or something! It's unbelievable what I'm doing!
  • Jon's body begins getting into shape and he becomes an Arrogant Kung-Fu Guy who tries to crush a coke can against his head but fails to. His crew quickly get sick of and hurt by Jon's new attitude and Sergio still hasn't gotten his scissors.
  • Everyone has had enough of Jon's arrogance, so they decide to help him gain back his fat. Sergio delivers a large bag of McDonalds to Jon's house with a hidden camera watching him eat. Jon discovers the hidden camera through the hole in the bag. Also because it's a giant professional camera with a large scope poking out of the bag.
  • Jon is heartbroken that his friends sabotaged his diet, and also confused because he somehow gained all of his fat back despite only eating one chicken nugget. It's then revealed that everyone had sabotaged him in little ways, such as mislabelling the whole milk as 1%, injecting his lunch with several fluid ounces of melted butter, and replacing his diet cola with regular cola and then adding even more sugar to it for good measure.
    • Said sugar causes the cola to start reacting volatile and the scene suddenly gets real as the guy pouring the sugar attempts to stop a mess from happening.

    THE HEAD TO HEAD GAME JAM 

    Architecture Tier List 
  • Jon made his views on modern architecture abundantly clear:
    • Going over what Jon calls "The Jenga Building", since he refused to dignify this Manhattan building its actual name:
      Jon': [breaking through the graphic that bricks fall down] Who comes up with it? Build something nice! You see this? [image changes as he claps, this one as a basilica] You see that? [a palace in Nara] You see this thing! [a colorful Hindu temple] That's nice, that's what a nice building looks like! [a row of nice, old apartments like those seen in Manhattan] You are the worst- ugliest thing to pollute the skyline! [firmly gestures the building's image down] F!
    • After gushing about the Gothic Revival splendor that is the Parliament Building in Budapest (putting it in the S Rank), he contrasted it with Scotland's:
      Jon: Speaking of parliament buildings, let's talk about the Scottish parliament building. Wow, uh... you trying to run the government, or are you playing Garry's Mod? All sorts of angles and shit stapled on top of each other. Ah yeah, I guess the old parliament building just wasn't functioning, just looked all- looked crap! The best thing about this building is that it was over budget, over time, and they're thinking about demolishing it. [cue headlines saying about as much] No, I'm not kidding about this by the way. The third thing is probably good news. [gestures just below the F tier] Right here! R-right here! Below, a little bit below F, but not quite, okay, yes! Yes, that's where that belongs!
    • With a few entries left:
      Jon: Every modern apartment building. [cut to him having a look of despair in front of several examples] Every modern office building. [another look of despair in front of several examples, cuts to an image of a Vienna streetnote ] You know what this cool little town in Austria needs? [cuts to Kunsthaus Graz, with Jon screaming and stabbing the image with a katana]
  • And what does Jon put in the S-tier alongside the Hungarian Parliament Building? Notre Dame (after the fire, after giving the one before an A, and the one during a C) and Goofy's house.
  • He puts the "Cathedral of Saint John the Divine", which Ethan called Jon's house much to the latter's confusion, in Goku rank. Which is just a picture of Goku above S, a slightly larger S, and an even larger S.
  • "You can hit the bell icon. I doubt it fucking does anything, but you can hit the bell icon".

    Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop 
  • Linkara's cameo in the crystal ball of the "Psychic Vampire."
  • As if to establish the tone of the video right off the bat, Jon has to point out that the bottle of "Psychic Vampire Repellent" is in fact made by Gwyneth Paltrow.
  • Jon states that the reason Gwyneth Paltrow named her company Goop was because "all big internet companies have two 'O's in their name. Jon then lists such famous examples as Microsooft, Amazoon, and Oople.
  • Jon reads off actual quotes by Gwyneth Paltrow as a distinguished noble reading from a scroll, even using one regarding Harvey Weinstein.
    • With one of the quotes being "I don't think anything that is natural can be bad for you." Jon just stares into the camera as a list of naturally bad things scrolls down, including Anthrax, platypus, salt, and children.
  • One of the commercials has Gwyneth cursing, and Jon tries to call her out on it.
    Gwyneth: This is the shiiiit!
    Jon: Don't curse, Gwyneth-(a train horn goes off in the distance) SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't curse, Gwyneth.
  • Jon reads the ingredients for the Psychic Vampire Repellent, and genuinely stops in shock when he sees that "love" is actually an ingredient. He's so shocked he doesn't even appear to notice that the next two ingredients listed are "chakras" and "moonlight", which are equally if not more ripe for making fun of yet don't even get a mention.
  • Jon quizzes someone by showing two different products and having them guess which one is sold on the goop website. Turns out all of the products he showed in the quiz were being sold on the website.
  • Jon tests out the body sphere, and it pops and deflates under his weight. Jon looks to the camera as a midi version of "Bring Me To Life" plays.
  • After the Theragun commercial plays, Jon edits it to transition into a Doom parody. He sneaks up behind Sergio and startles him at his desk, then puts the theragun up Mike's butt while he's on a ladder, causing him to drop a light and shatter it.
    • When he first looks it over, the vibration is so intense that Jon uses it as a jackhammer to tenderize steak.
  • Jon decides that, to beat an entrepeneur in America, in the arena that is capitalism, he needs to play the same game... and shows up in front of goop's actual fucking store dressed as an old-time Snake Oil Salesman, complete with cart, and starts hawking his wares explicitly comparing them with those being sold in "our competitor"'s store. May double as awesome due to the effort and sheer balls such a lambasting needs.
    Snake oil!Jon: 'tis my strong conviction that every man, woman and child has the right to a decent life, do they not? A life free of struggles and hardship! Free of a bad complexion! Free of clogged chakras, and free of having to read a single science textbook!
    • "Even you're not that stupid!", followed by the camera pointing at a very confused woman giving him a vicious Death Glare.
    • "Here, all the vitamins you could need right... in that snake oil! One ingredient: Crushed snakes. Gotta be vitamins in there somewhere!"
    • "And would you believe, good ladies and gentlemen of this fine country, they would dare to charge you three hundred dollars for a vial of simple hyaluronic serum? Whatever the fuck that is?"

     REAL GHOSTS 
  • As the intro to Haunted Lives plays, one of the doors flying around in it suddenly comes crashing at Jon.
    Jon: What is it with these doors in these shows about the spooky shit?!
  • The whole sequence with Yonny Yonson the farmhand.
    • When the narrator begins describing Yonny, Jon assumes the narrator doesn't like him, as the latter describes Yonny as a "barely literate, emotionally disturbed farmhand". He then theorises that Yonny's real name was Jonny Jonson, but that he couldn't spell it properly due to being illiterate.
    • When Yonny's crush Elizabeth rejects his love and tells him she's getting married in six days, and that he should forget about her, the video zooms into Yonny's head, while a goldfish bowl materializes in his brain and the Zora's Domain music plays.
    • When Elizabeth starts to leave, Yonny hurriedly grabs her and says "Wait, wait, you don't know me!" Jon then points out that that's exactly why she is slowly backing away from him.
    • When Yonny gets angry and starts furiously destroying the firewood with his axe, a crowd of about nine people gather around Jon and, along with him, cheer Yonny on, all wearing giant foam fingers. When Yonny misses the wood and accidentally drives the axe into his shin, everybody stops cheering to gasp in pain.
    • As Yonny dies from his leg wound, Jon, while sipping a cup of tea, scoffs and tells him to get over what is essentially a dent...then he bumps his shin on a table, trips, causes his cup to smash apart, and writhes on the ground clutching his shin.
    Jon: OOOOOOOHHH ssshhhhOOOT!!!
  • "What was once an orchard became a busy toy store. Filled with the sounds of laughter, the hum of cash registers, and the presence...of something else." [SCARY CLOSEUP ON A GIANT TEDDY BEAR PASSING BY THE CAMERA]

JonTron's Happy Hour

     Episode 1 - Heads and Horses 
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