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Vanilla Ice: Cool as Ice
- The very first shot of the episode is a frozen-over Jon, residing in an ice-covered set. Jon goes on to explain how he tried to emulate Vanilla Ice and be "cool", which quickly took a turn for the literal.
Jon: Alright, the results okay they haven't been stunning. Frankly, I feel like I might be less cool than before. But you just get to a point where it basically sunk cost, you gotta cut the loss... (Punches the framed picture of Vanilla Ice) Stupid piece of shi- Fuck, not even that fucking cool!
- Jon then tells the story of how he broke into the Hall of Coolness to find a person to emulate. His options are Stevie Wonder ("Pretty cool, but he can't see. I need eyes.), Rocket Racoon ("Too topical. Also, not human."), Cher ("The epitome of being dank, but I just- I don- I just don't really wanna be Cher, to be honest."), and Vanilla Ice. He then goes to kill the "guards" of the museum with a hastily drawn katana.Jon: Those were not real men. Those were mannequins. Ooh, why do I lie?!
- Afterwards he has understandable frustration on the whole thing.
- Jon then tells the story of how he broke into the Hall of Coolness to find a person to emulate. His options are Stevie Wonder ("Pretty cool, but he can't see. I need eyes.), Rocket Racoon ("Too topical. Also, not human."), Cher ("The epitome of being dank, but I just- I don- I just don't really wanna be Cher, to be honest."), and Vanilla Ice. He then goes to kill the "guards" of the museum with a hastily drawn katana.
- "How about we watch the literal, actual Vanilla Ice movie I didn't know existed called "Cool as Ice", because our Divine Creator has a sick, twisted sense of humor and doesn't want us to be happy."
- Jon's reaction towards the intro of the movie where he starts to like it... Until Vanilla Ice comes along.Jon: Oh, now that's cool... I'm jumpin', I'm jivin'... (Vanilla Ice finally appears) And... It's gone... It's gone, It's absolutely gone, it's ruined, unsalvageable...
- Jon's confusion at Ice's brick-like hairstyle.Jon: (deep breath) My boy! That shit does not belong on a head, it belongs in an exhibit!(cut to Jon dressed in a suit, demonstrating several such hairstyles in the "Hair Museum of Architecture")
- Vanilla and his posse stop in the middle of the street and block an intersection... for some reason. Jon wonders how you can even write a scene like that.Screenwriter: Exterior. Small Town, America. Day. They ride up to the middle of an intersection. Then, they get off. Then, they stand. Do I- Is there more, or do I get my Oscar now?
- Jon's reaction to the famous "drop that zero and get with the hero" line.[Trumpets] ''"MEDIOCRE BURN AT BEEEST!"'
- Vanilla's rapping is so bad that Jon's eardrums eventually explode. Also counts as Nightmare Fuel.
- Jon's recreation of the creepy scene where Ice wakes Kathy up with an ice cube to go out for the day. His version has him smashing the bedroom window, and saying, in a high-pitched Southern accent, "Rise and shine, bitch, we're goin' to Disneyland!" He then tosses an entire bucket of ice cubes over the girl in bed, which completely covers her.
- Bonus points for her visibly trying not to Corpse under the pile of ice.
- Ice declares his love for KathyKathy: Oh, yeah?Ice: Oh, yeah.Jon: Oh, no.
- "What's it like, you know having parents and all that stuff. Brother...all that...stuff, y'know."Alien!Jon: I am simply asking a normal human question out of curiosity not to mine data HUMAAAAANNNNNN.
- "Straight up FACT."Jon: What are you saying, why are words allowed to escape your face?
- Kathy's father reveals that his real name was Hackett. More specifically, James Anthony Hackett. Or Jimmy.
- Two mafia goons capture Kathy's brother, Tommy, for ransom money from the two antagonists that are pursuing Hackett. The two men force Tommy to make a ransom tape, detailing that they've told the kid some of his dad's more... sordid secrets.
- At the end of the video, Jon goes to do what he always does between videos: cryonically freeze himself for 6 to 8 months. He gets in the machine and switches it on... only for it to put him back in the Elsa costume instead.Jon: Oh, that's funny. Which one of you numbskulls, which one of you fffFUCKIN' RASCALS PUT ME UP TO THIS ONE?! All right?! You know what I meant! I said make me- y'know, I wanna be frozen, like in the beginning, show the beginning. What am- what am I? [takes off wig and angrily throws it to the ground] You're all a buncha FUCKIN' COMEDIANS, aren't you?! YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN HAVIN' TROUBLE AT HOME! I'M INCONTINENT THESE DAYS, I JUST GOTTA GET THE SHOT DONE AND LEAVE!
Waterproofing My Life With FLEX TAPE
- The very start of the video deserves a mention.(Blood bag bursts)Jon: Agh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood from my blood bag is spilling on my computer AAAAAGHHH! If only there was some way to fix this!
(A hand comes out of no where and sloppily slaps flex tape onto the hole)
Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!
- "FLEX TAPE! Okay, you heard about this stuff! I mean, this is basically— have you heard of JESUS?! WELL EVEN HE COULDN'T DO AS MUCH AS FLEX TAPE, APPARENTLY!"
- After Phil Swift dramatically slaps Flex Tape over a leak, Jon replays the clip, sets it to the crescendo of "Ghost Love Score", and inserts an audio clip of The Tourettes Guy yelling "OH SHIT!"
- Jon notices that a lot of these infomercial hosts have similar names.Jon: You gotta love— It's always a guy like "Phil Swift", "Johnny Starr". You never get a guy comin' out like, [speaking in Russian(?) accent with large moustache superimposed on his face] "It's me, Josephi Krakowski, with Flex Tape!"
- Along with RVs and roofs, Jon suggests using the Flex Tape on an artery during open heart surgery.
- Phil Swift uses a length of flex tape to lift a 45 pound weight with one hand.Phil Swift: Flex Tape is super strong!Jon: Flex Tape ain't super strong, Phil, you're super strong!Phil Swift: And once it's on, it holds on tight!Jon: I got a couple pictures of Phil, uh, in my house on the wall. May or may not have Photoshopped his undies off. Might- may or may or may not have Photoshopped his weiner on. (Corpses) I've done it though, really, it's serious. It's a problem.
- When Phil Swift is advertising Flex Seal, Jon notices that he created a bowl by using Flex Seal to plug up the holes in a colander.Phil Swift: Phil Swift here for Flex Seal, the easy way to stop leaks fast!Jon: That's a colander, Phil. It's supposed to have holes and leaks. What you've done is you've essentially made a bowl.Phil Swift: The easy way to stop leaks fast!Jon: Phil, you make me angry, Phil! (Grabs a pot) Could've just grabbed one of these, Phil! Don't need Flex Seal! Look at its curvature! The easy way to have a bowl without creating one out of a colander!
- Flex Seal can apparently be used to create rubber handles for your tools by dipping your tools in it, a utility which catches Jon off guard.Phil Swift: Even dip all your tools...for a tough no-slip grip!Jon: Even dip all your tools!? I can understand the other two, like there's some application, but how do you go from, like, "You can stop water from going through cracks! Weatherproof some of your outdoor materials! Dip your tools in this shit, I dunno!"
- Jon then proceeds to dunk an entire power drill in Flex Seal. Then he demonstrates how Flex Seal can be used to cure alcoholism by sealing all of the liquor bottles shut so that nobody can open them.
- "That's a LOTTA DAA MIDGE"
- In the last infomercial, Jon thinks Phil has gone completely off the deep end with his demonstrations (especially since this time, Phil is holding a knife and has a chainsaw on hand), and he notes that the vehement "Don't Try This!" warnings (which notably omit the "at home" part) seem to agree.Jon: "Seriously, do not tr-never attempt this! Phil has gone too far, he has sniffed too much Flex Glue, and now all he can see is Martians!!"
- Jon notes that the spray Flex Seal is rather inefficient at patching holes, which even the company acknowledges by mentioning that many coats may be needed, and he says at that rate, there's going to be more Flex Seal than bucket at the end of a patch job. Cut to Jon, labeled "MAN WHO SPENT $356.87 ON FLEX SEAL", with a heavy bucket filled with solid Flex Seal about one inch from the brim. He then demonstrates the seal and asserts that there is no detriment to the bucket's volume or weight from the repairs and claims it is superior to just buying a new bucket.
- Jon acts as though Phil's analysis of the bucket's damage is a graphic live autopsy and begs consideration for the poor bucket's family, who shouldn't have to watch such violence on TV.
- Jon begins stabbing a bucket with a knife like Phil Swift, then quickly realizes it's a bad idea.Jon: Yeah I bet you wish you were a little nicer to me now, huh? Used to call me Eduardo Squidwardo behind my back, you think I didn't notice, huh!? I'm gonna give you lotsa damage! (Stops stabbing the bucket and turns to the camera) I feel like I could actually- actually kill myself this way by stabbing directly into my heart, so I'm gonna prob- I'm gonna stop, for real.
- The Stinger of the video has text that reads "THIS IS A CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD, TURN THAT GREEN DAY AND SNOOP DOGG OFF IMMEDIATELY".
- Jon's constant lampshading of Phil Swift's over-enthusiasm about the Flex products, to the point of almost Crossing the Line Twice territory.
- "Oh Phil, our Prometheus. What fire of knowledge do you bring to us mortals today?"
- The ending. It starts with Jon slapping a piece of Flex Tape on his ass and ends with, well, the image above.Jon: If you do the thing, and you do it right, and you don't fuck it up, it works! It just works! Slap it on my butt, keep that poo in for as long as you can. When it finally comes out, by golly that's gonna feel like the best shit you've ever taken!
- The Stinger of the video, where Jon has apparently taken the above ending to its logical conclusion and made himself invincible with Flex Tape, is as hilarious as it is disturbing.THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO PLAY GOD! *Echoing scream*
- The Running Gag of Phil using Flex Seal products to build boats, and Jontron's staunch refusal to believe that only Flex Seal is holding the boat together.
- "True story, this is a dish so vile, that PETA made a video condemning it". Cue Jon showing the video in question.
- Jon shows off the chicken, which came from FreeBird. "In the Arms of an Angel" starts to play, while a quote from the chicken, "Free at last!", flashes onscreen.
- Even the mission statement for the video's gold.
- "THAAAAAAT'S A LOOOOOOOTTA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAGE"
- Jon's story of how he got the duck.Jon: Now if you wanna know about this bad boy, I went to my local meat market that sells "hard-to-find game" here in New York City, and I said "You got duck?" And they said "We're all out of duck. The last guy just bought it." And I said "Are you fucking kidding me, this is what always happens to me, fuck my life. Is there anywhere else here that sells duck?" And he says "Duck? In this city? No way." Apparently he hadn't ever head of Chinatown! Cause I took the subway, I took the one line straight down to Chinatown, baby! Peking Duck! An emotionless Chinese man sold that to me, by golly! I don't if that's safe to eat! Listen, I love Beijing, I love the Chinese, but I'm a little skeptical of your duck.
- "PAULA DEEN IS THE REASON ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD!!"
- The ending quote
Weird Workout Videos
- While working out in Central Park, Jon brags about how he's so fit and in shape that he's free to eat a hot dog without any worry of fatigue. The second time we see him go to a hot dog stand, the vendor refuses to give him any more because he's been going there every fifteen minutes.Jon: The strange hot dog wizard was clearly sick of seeing me succeed. How can he understand...?
- One of the things featured is Zuiikin' English, the Japanese workout/educational TV show most infamous for its "I have a bad case of diarrhea" routine. And yes, that very routine was featured in Jon's video.
Jon: So who am I, huh, I'm just friendly Jon. (Ties cloth around his head in the same way) Who am I now? Who am I now? It could happen just like that. (Pulls out a revolver) You wouldn't even see it coming. (Pulls out a cake stirrer which makes knife noises) That's why you gotta be careful. You better have watched Zuikkin English, so you could figure out how to respond to this. Even we don't know, we speak the language.
- Jon pointing out that Zuikkin' English was one of several oddities broadcast in the wee hours on Fuji Television, who wanted to use those slots to crank out fresh new ideas. To quote the show's Wikipedia page: "One such program tried to help viewers to fall asleep while another showed an actor reading out a well-known novel and nothing else."
- A woman is robbed by two English speaking robbers, and one of them has the brilliant disguise of a single piece of cloth around his head with the knot under his nose. It doesn't cover very much.
- As he starts seeing the poodles in Mariko Takahashi's Fitness Video, Jon's apartment slowly descends into what is presumably Hell as he stares on in horror.
- Jon decides to follow suit with the regiment set by the video. Which means he's doing exercises with real life dogs running around.Jon (giggling): Where you going? Huh? We're gonna work out.
- Jon decides to follow suit with the regiment set by the video. Which means he's doing exercises with real life dogs running around.
- Jonny Jon's Gamer Zone, with Jon as an obnoxious sexed-up parody of Mark Wahlberg.
ES DE MUNKE DEE COCK DEE
- Jon genuinely losing his shit when Mark Wahlberg randomly screams out "POW!"
- "OH GOD, IT'S SELF-AWARE!"
Saban's VR Troopers
- Jon starts off the episode by showing off what actual virtual reality has become... a player with a thick foreign accent and a Piglet avatar suggestively asking Jon to touch his ears, and then to commit suicide with him by jumping off a cliff.Text Overlay: WE STRAY FURTHER FROM GOD WITH EACH PASSING DAY
- Jon's first VR Headset is just a Virtual Boy that he tapes to his face. He doesn't even bother cutting the tape and leaves the roll dangling.
- Jon repeatedly pokes at actor Julian Combs' constant depressed expression and deadpan delivery as the Professor, once again referring to The Tourettes Guy to make his point.Danny's Son: Dad, I heard he killed himself.
Danny: I'd kill myself too if my last name was... COOOOOMBS!note
- Jon inserts himself into the title sequence of "VR Troopers" dressed as a chef with a fake moustache, turning around to flip off the camera with a grin. The credit is given as "Casey Ryback as Chef La Merde".
- The Running Gag of pointing out how many times the Professor has his face too close to the screen.
- TARGET IS GAYnote
- Jon mocks the use of an incredibly conspicuous greenscreen by trying to run to the bridge via greenscreen himself. He breaks through the greenscreen immediately. Cue "Mad World."ONE SEEKS THE TRUTH BUT KNOWS NOT THE DANGER
- When Jon gets his own VR headset, he instead gets several rather revealing scenes from Dead or Alive Xtreme.
- Soon, he gets genuinely scared by how long he's been in the game and freaks out.
- When he's knocked out, Ryan has a flashback to when he was a kid. Jon thinks that the accident somehow turned him into a baby.Ryan: I tried my best, but I'm not good at this. I'm a ferrier.Jon: You're not a ferrier son! You're just a regular old run-of-the-mill failure! Don't be so easy on yourself!
- When Jon learns the protagonists can use a floppy disk to contact Professor Hart on any computer, this causes him to reminisce about his own disk, though he remembered things a little differently. Cue Jon inserting a crudely labeled disk into a PC, resulting in an Asian man with a bad case of Asian Speekee Engrish appearing on screen. Jon's reaction is priceless."GODDAMN EBAY CHINESE KNOCKOFFS!!" *kicks monitor*
- When the villain of the VR Troopers says "What's the name of this game? I WIN!", Jon pulls out a board game called "I Win", with a big picture of his face on the front, and plays a game, which consists of moving his piece directly from the start square to the only other square, a square that says "I Win!" on it, again with his face on it.Man, I remember that being a lot more fun when I was younger.