JonTron Season Five / Funny

Funny moments from Season 5 of JonTron. For the main index, see here.

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Full Episodes

Gwyneth Paltrow's: The Goop Lab

Jon starts the video in his basement bunker, stating that the show will take place entirely in there until further notice (primarily because of COVID-19). He then shows off a can of baked beans he stuck googly eyes on and opens it up for sustenance, talking to it as if it's alive and can feel pain.
Jon: Slimy yet satisfying!
- If you'll notice, Jon has transferred his Game Boy decals that he used to have on his fridge onto a pink minifridge.
Before the Goop show begins proper, Jon brings up a news story where a Goop employee claimed that COVID-19 didn't exist, and was subsequently laid off for her statement. Jon compares it to al Qaeda cutting off ties with ISIS due to the latter being too extreme for even them.
It opens with Gwyneth making a comment about kissing Matt Damon on screen; Jon says it's not even 20 seconds in^time, and she's already humble-bragging. He even mentions it being a contender for the Guinness Book of World Records for largest humble brag.
Jon states that the show's premise is basically the Goop staff being put through a gauntlet of guinea pig experiments, which becomes uncomfortably evident quite early on.
The first episode of the show, rather bizarrely, focuses on magic mushrooms. The episode goes from confusing to disturbing rather quickly, as Jon becomes even more uncomfortable as the episode goes on.
- As the group is sat in a circle and ready to take the mushrooms, the organizer of the gathering tells the group that they can have any reactions to the hallucinations that they want, as long as they don't strip or engage in sexual activity. This draws quite a bit of bemusement from Jon.
  Jon: I mean, okay, you can pound the ground, you can punch, you can scream, no sex though, don't wanna see any boobies. You can take a scimitar and gore your neighbor David, don't see the boobies though, if the boobies come out during that, you're in trouble.
- The organizer pulls out what looks like a rather large flashlight-sized blunt composed of mushrooms crammed together. Jon scoffs at how puny of an offering it is to "the spirit of the mushroom" and pulls out his own blunt, which is easily the size of his leg, and lights it with a blowtorch, leading to severe coughing when he (somehow) takes a drag. His blunt appears to be entirely made of paper, with seemingly no drugs or chemicals in it, and after smoking it, he's wearing a very large mushroom cap which almost immediately falls off.
  Jon: [amongst coughing, in a fake Californian accent] Yeah, the spirit of the mushroom!
- The peak of the discomfort arises from when one of the members, Kevin, is crying about seeing the light, and when the two assistants help him up off of the floor, one of them is vigorously rubbing his chest.
- Jon is bewildered that Kevin apparently can't remember if it was 36 years or 39 years that he carried those burdens for and assumes that the drugs caused some sort of brain damage.
The second episode focuses on the group members swimming through incredibly cold water.
- The event's host, Wim Hof, thinks that gasping in freezing cold water would be involuntary, which amuses and bewilders Jon.
- Wim Hof tells them that they can adapt to the cold water, and become "the alchemist of life."
- After Wim Hof tells the crew to master a breathing technique, Jon cuts to a skit where he makes his own endurance challenge which involves him paddling and thrashing on his stomach in an incredibly shallow paddling pool of icy water, pretending that he's struggling to breathe.
- The section where Gwyneth and Elise do pushups. There is absolutely no audio for a few seconds when they begin, which makes it rather comedic.
  Jon: [whispering] This wasn't part of the deal. Shouldn't we get him out of here? I'm scared of him... I'm scared...
- Once the pushups are done and Wim says that Gwyneth is fasting, Jon acts out what Elise's thoughts might be at this statement, since she immediately points out she already said it before.
  Jon: [strained tone, increasingly hectic] Yeah, you don't have to bring it up. Like, that's what I said! I said, like, she can do more, you know, even though she's fasting; you don't have to bring it up, cause I obviously did it because erm, you know, like, she's my boss and I can't fuckin' shut her up! You fuckin' weird, FUCKIN' ICE-MAN, FUCKIN' WEIRDO, DUDE!!
- The return of the "Food Editor".
- The comments are also a riot when it comes to Wim Hof. As according to them, compared to the rest of the "experts" the goop Netflix show focuses on, he's the only one that can actually be considered as a legit expert, despite his eccentricities. Yet the show seems to paint him as some kind of crazy person even by their standards.
The third episode focuses on... the female group members stripping naked and admiring themselves. And the event's host is an old lady. For understandable reasons, Jon only shows a few clips from the episode, refusing to go into details, before promptly moving on to the next episode.
Jon: Okay! [buzzer] I cannot show you any of that on YouTube, and frankly... I don't wanna talk about what I've seen ever again. Moving onto step four.
The fourth episode focuses on psychics, and Jon calls it "Just literally psychics". He is left utterly baffled about what psychics have to do with wellness.
- When the psychic says she can hear an E-L name going around, the woman seeing her starts tearing up, with the letters leading Jon to joke about Elmo.
  Jon: [fake-crying voice] His name was Elmo...he was red and furry, and liked to be tickled... Son of a bitch, why'd he have to drink so much!?
- The psychic asks if there is a birthday in the family coming up.
  Jon: Come to think of it...there does happen to be one...[points at camera] Have you been stealing my credit card information? [gets up and starts rapidly approaching the camera] Are you the one who took my fucking social security number!?
- During a psychic reading, the psychic says she sees a donkey and brings up Shrek. They quickly drop it, but Jon doesn't, and ends the segment wanting to know who was thinking about Shrek.
  Jon: They completely avoid Shrek. Just wanna point that out. Nobody answers for Shrek. I wanna know whose wavelength she was reading that came with Shrek.
The fifth episode goes all out on the snake oil, with a "magical" masseuse that apparently doesn't need to touch people to massage them thanks to auras or something along those lines; Jon doesn't show it much and doesn't stick with it beyond some Sarcasm Failure, cutting it short as he gets genuinely infuriated.
Jon: Wha- you fuckers. You fuckers. You motherfu- I will rain hellfire upon you.
During the last step: "Health-Span Plan", he comments about how normal it is so far... up until Gwyneth has a strange mixture of her own blood and "golden broth" applied to her forehead and face. This leaves Jon a coughing mess and has him genuinely saying that he might actually throw up, due to said scene.
BEANY DIED FOR NOTHING

Kid Nation

The Running Gag of Jon clearly not getting over the premise of Kid Nation; a Lord of the Flies style reality show where various kids barely a decade old are forced to run their own town in the middle of nowhere.
- It's even more bizarre when the Lord of the Flies comparison is not a comparison Jon made up, but something the executive producer himself acknowledged to critics and implied to be part of the pitch to network executives.
  Jon: How do you pitch that?? "Listen, board of directors, I know you got safety at the forefront of your minds. Inevitably though, the kids will begin to kill one another to form a dominance hierarchy."
  - Though the premise gets a little lost when the host does things clearly meant to foster drama and competition by doing things like appointing the town leaders, giving them advice that is transparently not meant to make keeping the community running smoothly like dividing the kids into groups, foisting an entire economic system on them loosely based on a frontier town, a caste system^note, and forcing them to choose between getting 7 more outhouses when they've been only given one and a TV. An old CRT one at that.^note
Jon mimicking Karsh over footage of a buzzard in the sky.
Jon (doing a Jonathan Karsh impression): That’s the buzzard that’ll eat your dehydrated corpse if you don’t work hard enough at the game!
The host reveals there will be a prize for the best kid in town, a gold star of $20,000... making sure it reflects the sun right into the camera.
Jon, dazzled by light: Okay I-I don't care what it is just keep it outta my eyes please!
- Jon also brings up a point about offering a valuable prize to kids:
  Jon: Don't think these kids have an understanding of what twenty thousand dollars was. "What's that worth, like... 50, 60, 70 Snickers bars?"
When Karsh declares that there are no adults and only children, Jon assumes that means everyone is a child, including the camera crew, the producers, and the on standby medics.
On the second day at the town, one of the kids complain that it's the worst day he's had in three years, causing Jon to genuinely wonder what the hell happened to this kid three years ago.^note
Jon loses his shit over the footage of Jimmy (the youngest kid of the forty running the town at eight years old) lost, alone, and crying. Mostly because it gives him the rather cruel mental image of the camera crew finding this clearly distraught child and instead of comforting or helping him, they just filmed him suffering.
COMPENSATION FUCK YEAH
Jon's "Child Feudalism" pyramid, with Karsh at the very top labelled as the king.
Jon's interpretation of what Jonathan Karsh actually means when asking the kids who wants to go home:
Karsh: Does anybody want to go home?
Jon: Does anybody here wanna look like... a little... bitch?
Jon loses it when the kids are given the choice between seven extra outhouses (bumping the number of outhouses from one to eight) or... a TV.
- Remembering that the show is inspired by Lord of the Flies of all things, Jon riffs that the kids in charge are seriously considering foregoing proper sanitation because they suspect the other kids might be planning a coup against them and the TV is their plot to keep the masses in control.
Team Blue ends up using chalk to graffiti over the town. Most of the messages saying "Blue" or "Go Blue", and one of the kids says they need to find out who did this. Cut to Jon, looking at writing on a wall stating "THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORK OF TEAM BLUE"
Jon: IF ONLY THEY WOULD'VE LEFT SOME SORT OF CLUE!
Jimmy ends up folding and taking the chance to leave during the town hall, five days in. After he left, that's when Karsh decides to bring out the 20 thousand dollar gold star that was the prize for the hardest worker. Jon points out that they literally waited for Jimmy to leave before they reveal there was a prize at all.
Jon: What the hell!? Okay, now he brings it up? Like the second, the literal second Jimmy leaves he's like "alright, now that that loser's gone, who wants to win twenty thousand dollars!?" Jimmy was robbed. I'm just gonna say it, Jimmy was robbed here.
The video ends with revealing that the next episode will be an interview with a grown up Jimmy, who the narrator keeps iterating is no longer eight years old.
Jimmy seems to be the Only Sane Man judging by his first line in the show literally predicting that he'll die out there in the desert. Look in the comments section and it seems that everyone agrees that Jimmy should've led a revolt against Jonathan Karsh for more provisions.

Jimmy Tells All (Kid Nation Exclusive)

Jon welcomes the now 21-year-old Jimmy to the show by spraying him down with disinfectant and seating him at a chair that’s six feet away from his own. He then proceeds to do the entire interview while wearing a hazmat suit.
Jon offers his guest a can of Bush’s Baked Beans, and attempts to hand it to him with a long grabber so as to not break the 6-foot social distancing rule, only for it to fall out of the grabber in what seems to be a genuine unscripted accident (Or a setup to an Incredibly Lame Pun about Jon spilling the beans about Kid Nation). The beans are shown on the ground once and then disappear by the time the rug is seen again.
Jon: This should hydrate you before we s-[beans fall] Oh, SHIT!!
A lot of Jimmy’s personal stories shed an entirely new light on the show.
- He confirms that all forty kids did indeed have to share one outhouse, which baffles Jon since he made a joke about it in the previous episode. Due to the incredibly long line, Jimmy would often urinate outside, and never bothered to defecate since there was a “tower” of poop in the outhouse and he was afraid that if he sat down, it would somehow climb up into him.
- He was a little creeped out by Jonathan Karsh since all he did was recite his prewritten dialogue like a robot, and on top of that, they would often have to do multiple takes, and since the kids (or at least Jimmy) had no concept of "multiple takes" at the time, they were very confused as to why he kept repeating himself. He also admits to not even knowing Karsh's name at the time^note, making him even more of an creepy overbearing figure.
- Jimmy admits that he was picked on in his teenage years for being the “only one” that cried on the show. Jon finds this to be pretty ridiculous, and proceeds to show at least seven other kids that cried on screen.
- Speaking of Jimmy crying, he tells Jon that the camera crew came up to him when he cried behind the barn and asked for his permission to be filmed... because it would make for some great footage for the show.
  - Which, if you'll remember, was a joke Jon made in the first Kid Nation video. His incredulous reaction at finding out his joke was spot-on sells the whole thing.
    Jon: “Jimmy, I know you’ve no concept of anything, your pre-frontal cortex hasn’t even grown in yet... this is gonna be GREAT for ratings, can you keep the waterworks coming?”
- This stories were so insane, one of the comments in the video was:
"I love how this is the one reality tv show where everyone is like 'Please God tell me it's all faked.'"
After Jimmy left the show, he stayed at a hotel with one of the production assistants before going back home. He immediately gets flustered when he realizes That Came Out Wrong.
Jon: Was he... y’know, was he “hands-off”?
Jimmy shares that he’s currently attending medical school to study oncology (at least for the time being). When Jon asks him what that is, only to be told that it’s the study of cancer, he looks at the camera with embarrassment as the Super Mario 64 death screen of Bowser's face closes in on him. He then does a second take so he can pretend that he already knew what oncology is.
Jon: So Jimmy, what field are you going into?
Jimmy: Right now, I think I'm gonna go into oncology.
Jon: Oncology, for all those of you who don't know, that's the cancer one! ["THE CANCER ONE" appears at the bottom of the screen in glittering gold text]
Jimmy: [Laughing] You didn't say it right!
Jon: I... I knew that! I didn't ask off-screen! ["I didn't ask off-screen" appears in the same gold text]
Near the end of the interview, Jon complements Jimmy.
Jon: Jimmy, you're a real nice, cool guy. Has anyone ever described you that way? Told you that?
Jimmy: ...No.
Jon: [Laughing] Has anyone ever been nice to you?
After a discussion about how Jimmy got completely screwed over since Jonathan Karsh didn't reveal the existence of the gold stars until immediately after he left (and that such a prize would have motivated him to stay), Jimmy recounts how a local news station that interviewed him about the show shortly after it aired felt bad about him missing out and gave him his own "gold star" that was just a cheap paperweight that didn't even look like the stars on the show. Later, Jon makes a big show of declaring that Jimmy will finally be given the gold star he truly deserves... and then the printer next to him starts printing out a picture of a gold star (discoloured and faded, since the printer was running low on ink and Jon couldn't go out to buy more due to quarantine), with a QR code at the bottom for a free Big Mac (no drink). Jon then hoses the paper down with disinfectant before handing it over, getting it so soaking wet that it falls apart in Jimmy's hands.
Jon's final question:
Jon: What do you regret more, Kid Nation or JonTron?
Jimmy: .....This has been a pretty shitty experience.
Jon: [gets out of his chair] Yeah, fuck you dude, I'm gonna kill you for food. [cut to test pattern]

Boating Made (TOO) Easy!

The video starts with two minutes of Jon walking in random locations while carrying a computer tower before dropping it. No sound, just Jon carrying a computer tower randomly.
- After he actually drops it, it looks as though it remains undamaged, but Jon still acts as though it is beyond repair.
- The kicker: the entire bit wasn't even part of the episode. It was a sponsor ad for Warface: Breakout.
Jon has fallen prey to an excessive boating obsession. He desperately wants to ride one by himself, but he'd need a license for that. So he decided to take a $40 New Hampshire Boating Instructional Course Slash Visual Novel. Hilarity ensues as Jon picks apart the ludicrousy of the story elements.
Jon's sarcastic enthusiasm over one of the reviews.
Jon: Real-life situations were off the fucking charts! Can I say fuck? Can I say fuck on this website? Can I say (long censor beep) cunt (short censor beep) breath?
The falcon-bat-hornet-mutants and how quickly they are glossed over after their appearance.^note
Given the sheer ridiculousness of the episode, it needs to be reiterated that the Course/Visual Novel that Jon took is a state-funded course meant to legally authorize people to operate motorized watercraft in the state of New Hampshire.

Steven Seagal: Certified Tough Guy

Just the image of Jon, dressed as Steven Seagal, "recapturing his youth" on a playground.
Jon!Steven Seagal: [Youth boy at] 12, with a shotgun! [does double-handed finger gun] Unhand your weapon! [slides down the baby slide] Don't make me do this! [watches an ice cream van driving by] Son of a bitch...
- Said "recapturing" of said "youth" includes Jon!Seagal seeing an ice cream truck, chasing after it, and one of the infamous Spongebob ice cream bars, complete with misaligned gumball eyes and warped expression. It's also implied that the ice cream man is an actual ice cream man - and Jon stayed in character as Seagal when buying his snack.
- The Stinger: Jon, still playing Seagal and eating the Spongebob pop, is swinging on a swingset, only to lean back too far and slowly fall off of the swing. The kicker? When he finally lands, he does so in a way that specifically aims to preserve the ice cream bar, which he succeeds in doing ...and then proceeds to continue eating.
In "The Martial Artist" portion of the episode, a couple of Steven Seagal's signature Aikido throws are accompanied by explosions.
"The Maestro": Steven's blues singing can be easily interpreted as gibberish.
"The Russian": Poking fun at Vladimir Putin's signature stoic behavior, plus Steven's sudden long thumbnail.
- The brief stint in Belarus includes Seagal watching its President Alexander Lukashenko (and several of his men) shredding carrots... while Steven is standing still with a very calm posture.
  Jon: That posture asserts: "I dunno where I am, I want my Mommy, I'm lost". (With each assertion, a cut-out still of Steven standing is placed in a different location, the lattermost being in outer space.)
- Also during the press conference, Putin's speech is subtitled incorrectly for comedic purposes.
  Putin: (Looking at Segal's passport) This passport photo gently reminds me of evil.
During "The Lawman" segment - particularly where Joe Arpaio aka America's Toughest Sheriff gives a press conference - Jon takes particular notice of Joe's incessant tapping of the podium, and splices in footage of a rubber hand being repeatedly pressed onto a wooden desk until it's dropped, creating the effect of the sheriff's arm bending on the podium until he slams too hard and his arm falls off.
- While that would be funny enough on its own, it hits a bit different once you discover that the rubber hand being used is a dildo.
- Jon trying to "stop the shooter with martial arts".
  Jon: Stop, boy! (he gets shot) Oh... that was a high-caliber round!
- "For every second that goes by, you could be... losing children."
- "Cheese for all, right there."
- After Seagal's brief speech about letting the firearms becoming "the extension of your body", Jon (yet again showing up as Seagal) interprets it literally by wearing the turtleneck with long sleeves, and the fists are wrapped around in said sleeves while they're holding handguns.
  Jon: Yeah, but I do miss eating food normally...
  (Cut to Jon trying to eat a meal while still holding guns - and it literally backfires on him so much that one gun falls out of its hand)
- Jon humming in meditation and nonchalantly spraying bullets from his Desert Eagle.
"This guy was a guy."
Jon!Seagal rapidly washing dishes and breaking them.
When the interviewer asks Seagal if Chuck Norris could be considered a tough guy, Steven simply replies that Chuck is in his 70's.
Jon: I don't think anyone with a sprayed-on hairline has the authority to be going around calling anyone else geriatric! "Oh, that Chuck Norris, alright? Last I've seen him, he's using a walker."

Old People Got Weird Products

The episode starts with Jon mentions taking a bit of a hiatus between this episode and the last, as 268 Days! flashes on the screen.
Jon shouting Cha-Ching! and gaining Wing Ding Eyes forming dollar signs when the first commercial mentions how the industry for elderly products is going up in Korea.
Jon tries to find something in the room to "repurpose" for the elderly and chooses an obviously dead or dying plant, dropping this gem when he says they can "relate" to the plant:
Jon: An aging plant for an aging life.
- Some viewers have pointed out that in the previous video, the plant can be seen in the background, alive and well, giving the implication that either the plant reached the end of its life cycle between videos, or Jon hasn't watered it since the last video.
The spokeswoman of the first video mentioning the heater being made from solenoid coils instead of copper. Solenoid coils are made from copper.
Jon mocks the device's "kill switch" that makes it shut off when it hits 40 degrees.
Angela Park: Once it hits forty degrees celsius it shuts off automatically.
Jon: Okay, that's good news. Good, it's got a kill switch built-in, thank God. All right, this will not be searing any marks into grandma's back-SHOULD THIS NEED A KILLSWITCH??
"oKaY, nOw, yOu haVe My aTteNtIoN!"
In the second commercial, a self-proclaimed "big guy" mentions having "lots of advantages" from his girth. After a moment of thought, the only "advantage" Jon can think of is heart disease.
At the end of the second commercial, Jon suddenly gains an incredibly large butt to advertise the comfort wipe, which concludes with him Shaking the Rump as he says in a monotone:
Jon: My life is hell this way.
In the third commercial, Jon brings up Suspiciously Specific Denial several times when referring to the Rejuvenique facial mask, both times taking the role of spokeswoman Linda Evans.
Jon: This will definitely not suck the youth from out of your soul and transfer it to me. I do not have a cauldron on my upper floors, and I do not consult it in times of need.

Jon: [Talking about "enriched toning gel"] Not uranium. I wouldn't put uranium in a tube. That would cause a lawsuit. I wouldn't want that. [looks at camera] Put it on. It wouldn't benefit me to put uranium in a tube, dude. I'm selling it like it- its- why would I do that? It's not uranium, put it on.
When Jon reveals the face mask came with an instructional cassette with a sloppily placed label, he compares it to a Snuff Film from 1970s New York.
Jon quickly points out the noise Rudy (the robot for retirees) makes when it "dances":
Jon: You know it's going to be a nice evening when your dancing partner sounds like a trash can getting hit with a crowbar every time it does a move.
When Rudy is asked to do something, Jon responds in a raspy, Text-to-Speech-esque voice:
Rudy: What would you like me to do?
Rudy!Jon: Wʜᴀᴛ ᴄʀɪᴍᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ I ᴄᴏᴍᴍɪᴛ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ɴᴀᴍᴇ, Mᴀsᴛᴇʀ?
After Rudy slowly rolls over to Anthony and reminds him to take his morning medication, a midi version of the Superman theme plays. Afterwards:
Jon: Okay, this one could've been accomplished with a Post-It note! And it doesn't even have to creepily lurk towards you! What are these people, crazy??
- After a nurse broadcasts a video through Rudy asking if the recipient has taken their medicine this morning, Jon says this:
Jon: Does this thing do anything other than remind you, through text or a human, to take your medicine this morning? I'm not trying to oversimplify your work- your life's work here, but a Post-It note on the fridge pretty much accomplishes the same thing here.^note
The final segment has Jon learning "Cane Fu", superimposing himself twice into the footage, both playing the bongos and (poorly) swinging a cane around.
- As the footage continues, the trainer begins rambling about odd topics which eventually makes Jon decide to leave, only to discover, to his horror, that the door is locked.
- The Jon playing bongos eventually stops, but the bongo music doesn't, leaving serene music playing as he fumbles around with them.
- In the very last scene, after the ad at the end, bongo!Jon is still playing and the trainer is still rambling and swinging, only for a wide swing to strike Jon in the face.
Jon gives another Lampshade Hanging to the large gap between his videos when he cautiously repeats "Until next time..." with a small smile.

THE FATHER OF JUICING

While in the same outfit as Jay Kordich, Jon tries to show off his "juice strength" by pulling a boat closer to the dock, only to immediately fall into the water.
After a DVD advertises Living to 100 Disease Free, Jon looks up Jay's birth and death dates and determines he died at 94. He goes on to say Jay should have watched his own video, and phones to ask about getting a 6% refund.
After Terri asks Jay how often he drinks juice (After already being told):
Jon: Have you not been listening, you dumb *Carrot Crunch*? EVERY HOUR, ON THE HOUR, juice, juice, juice, JUICE!
Jon talking as an audience member realizing that they could be in a cult
Audience!Jon: Huh... Am I in one of those death cults where they're going to try to make me drink poison and get on the Hailey-bop comet?
When they announced Jay Kordich's book being a New York times best seller and Jon asks how hard is it to get on the list
Jon: Surely that's not up there with The Da Vinci Code (#1). I feel like that's gonna be more down there with the Animorphs with the starfish girl on it (#378)
Terri asks Jay if he drinks it (the fruit and vegetable juice).
Terri: Do you drink it?
Jay: You make it-
Jon-as-Jay: -incredibly hard to do this job, Terri. Do I drink it? That glass of juice, do I drink that? You know what, Terri, yes. I do drink it. Matter of fact, moments ago, you drank it.

Simplifying Corporate Logos

Jon starts the video by pretending to be an energetic stock broker from the The '90s, complete with Motorola DynaTACs and an equally-outdated laptop. He goes on and on about shares and business in a Bostonian accent, alternating between cellphones.
With the mentality of modern companies simplifying their logos for faster recognition and better productivity, Jon takes it to its Logical Extreme by being unable to understand anything more complex than a blank wall.
Jon: I'm a Wall Street guy!
- Accompanied by a Public Service Announcement (apparently) from Tony Blair.
  Every 4.6 Minutes Another High Stakes Fast Paced Man Screams Like This Because Logos are Not Simple Enough
Jon asks a passerby if they sell coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, because he can't tell from their overly-simplified logo. Said passerby walks away smiling while staring at the camera.
The simplifying starts with MasterCard's logo, "fixing" it by reverting it back to its pre-2016 look.
When covering the GAP clothing store, he decides they should take it more literally by tremendously spacing the letters out. He then previews what it would look like on their actual site.
- "WE FOUND THE GAP!"
Adobe's icons for their different programs come up next, changing into completely uniform designs that are only distinguishable by their letters, which only serves to make their appearances on taskbars and desktops hard. Jon takes the change especially personal since he actually uses their software for his content.
- His method of simplifying their logos is him taking it a step further by removing their lettering.
  Jon: Try editing now. Fuckin' try.
- His vendetta continues as he decides that this "fix" should apply to the menus to save his project, obscuring the options with the same squares. He does the same for the pop-out arrow and the shortcut.
As Apple's logo hasn't changed in shape much, Jon decides on how he can make their design more "sleek". By adding more bites.^noteWhile making biting noises.
A small company known as Life is Good rebranded to plainer text and a single solid color. Jon feels as though it's lost its cheery aesthetic and that the title no longer applies, so he sets it in front of a depressing rainy backdrop. He even changes the brand to "Life is Whatever, idk :/".
Animal Planet's changed logo in 2008 is already upsetting for Jon.
Jon: Where's the "Animal"? Where's the "Planet"? You're the animal. And I want you off this planet.
- Their redesign in 2018 is so much worse to him that he decides to directly compare its elephant to a shitstain.
- The approach to simplifying the design this time is to shove the words into the elephant shape. Then to show it off, it's placed in the corner of stock footage of giraffes, with an obvious CGI bear entering the scene.
While covering Dunkin' Donuts, there's some pause over their brief change in 1956 with an attempt at a mascot. Jon can't even finish his comment without laughing.
Jon: It's like the Michelin Man, if he was a burn victim!
- Jon decides to change their older logo by tilting the coffee logo upright, and then admits that it actually doesn't look bad despite clearly being done as a joke.
- He thinks their design change in 1960 was pretty clever, since it depicts their name as a donut being dunked into a coffee cup. Jon then realizes just how obvious of a statement that was, and jokingly praises himself for pointing it out.
- He's absolutely exasperated at their change just being the old logo, but with the "Donuts" and coffee taken out. Reduced to just "Dunkin'", he decides to change it to the lone apostrophe (pronounced "hmph") to "help" them.
  Jon: You guys wanna get some '? I'm really tired, I could use some '.
For the Smucker's redesign, Jon's suggestion is to pull a garbage bin from the side of his program and toss the entire thing away. He even decides to close the drawer so it doesn't "stink up" the place. Mind you this is all happening within Photoshop.
By the end of it all, Jon decides that he also needs to modernize his aesthetic, and breaks out an art tablet to draw his new logo. It ends up just being a "J" and a "T" scribbled together in only three strokes.
- He then goes out in public again, this time wearing some hipster apparel and a shirt with his new "design", and putting it on a statue of Bill Russell. Jon initially confuses him for LeBron James.
- A security guard pops up from the side to address the scene (and was the one who corrected Jon before), but just stands back smiling as Jon agrees (and struggles) to take the shirt off. The video abruptly ends once he's done.

REAL LIFE EXORCISM: A Documentary

When introducing Friedkin and his past works Jon mentions that The Exorcist released on Boxing Day, hence why the video was released around Christmas, he also mentions that it has nothing to do with him failing to finish the video in time for Halloween.
Jon makes several riffs on William Friedkin's tendency to appear on-site for numerous locations related to The Exorcist. These consist of Jon being expertly edited into the scenes to complain that William Friedkin is trespassing on private property.
- As many comments point out, during these scenes Jon somehow looks LESS green-screened in than Friedkin, despite the director actually being there.
Jon's indignation at William including several pieces of Christina's personal information that are completely unrelated to anything in the documentary.
Jon portrays Nadia's recounting of her discovery of her satanic possession as a case of comically overblown diarrhea, complete with Jon (speaking Italian) as an Italian police officer recounting the "biblical volume" of shit.
"And as the well-known Italian saying goes: 'The ninth time better f**king work.'"
Jon mentioning an interview William did with The Guardian wherein he outright said that he's had lifelong violent urges and would have likely resorted to serial killing if he hadn't gone into directing to channel said urges. Jon then briefly digresses from the review to show the actual article in detail.
- The tangent ends with Jon as the interviewer saying he dropped his pen, as he throws it over his shoulder, and reaches under the desk and frantically hits a panic button. The cherry on top is that every time he presses it it makes a different Half-Life sound effect.
Jon's reaction to Father Amorth beginning his exorcisms by "thumbing his nose at the Devil."
Jon: Listen, I'm just saying, alright, if I'm the Devil, I'm invisibly stalking around that room and I catch one of these going down: (imitates Father Amorth's nose-thumbing)
(Beat)
Jon: (in faux-Southern accent) ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME???? (normal voice) You think I'm gonna stick around after something like that??? I may be the kind of the darkness... but I'm not an idiot.
Near the end of the documentary, William shows various medical experts the footage of the exorcism in the very-obvious hopes that they would confirm it was demonic possession, only for all of them to try and awkwardly break it to him that it was probably something mundane. Jontron then starts up a counter for the amount of times William fails to get a usable soundbite out of the experts.
- After a near 20 minutes of jumping around between various experts on location, the documentary cuts to William talking to the camera about all the medical professionals agreed it couldn't be caused by anything but a demon. Cue Jon popping up on screen calling him out for blatantly contradicting his own film.
- In what Jon assumes is a last ditch effort to find someone who agrees with William's wild theories, he goes to the Archbishop of Los Angeles to ask him if he would ever recommend an exorcist... only for the Archbishop to tell him that the church employs teams of psychiatrists and medical doctors to check the patient first. The failed soundbite counter goes up one last time as the camera shows William very visibly disappointed that even an actual Catholic priest isn't playing along with him.
Jon wearing the snake suit.
By the end of the video, Jon-As-William-Friedkin, armed with a cross-shaped revolver, out of nowhere teams up with The Boss Baby, Captain Price, GTA San Andreas Mr. Bean, and Satan to fight Christina, whose ninth exorcism didn't take.
- This is followed by them outside the church, lamenting that no one will believe them because they forgot to bring a camera, they're then consoled by an arbiter from Halo 3.

Watching the Most Disliked Videos

The sponsored portion at the start of the video features Jon inside of a dumpster.
The final segment is Jon watching what is supposed to be a baby sensory video, claiming to teach colors. What he gets instead is a low-budget CGI video about living eggs. Said eggs are all barely animated, and instead "scuttle" (in Jon's own words) around, all wearing the same expression (except for one inexplicably sporting a Kubrick Stare, which Jon accuses of being the ringleader). Various activities include:
- Splitting open and filling with paint from nozzles emerging from the top of the screen.
- Scuttling in and out of a barn.
- At one point Jon becomes so discomforted he distracts himself by pulling one of the (real) prop books out and examines it. Said book is called "Grandmother and the Priests," and features cover art of a "nefarious" image of old lady...surrounded by priests which causes Jon to ask if it is a "holy gang-bang" situation". He attempts to read some of the book to figure out what it's about, only to get as far as the acknowledgement page which only states, "This book is dedicated to the heroic memory of God's servants encountered in Grandmother's drawing room so long ago," which only baffles Jon more. Not long after, he returns to the colors video, having found no solace in the book.
- Breaking themselves, an act described by Jon as "Egg Jonestown."
- Reforming into a MASSIVE egg against Jon's wishes, the movement of which causes not only the scenery in the video (consisting of a small farm in the middle of a massive, empty green field and nothing else) but also the background behind Jon to shake, toppling a bookshelf.
- Demolishing the farm as it turns to advance on a claw emerging from the sky, which Jon interprets it either as attacking the claw due to a perceived taunt, or going to accept its fate of being grabbed by said claw; turns out, it's the latter.
- It then ejects more multicolored eggs, which then frolick and scuttle around for a moment before the Giant Egg eats them again. One appears to get away...and then it, too, is eaten.
- Also, at no point did this video even speak to the viewer about colors, instead incessantly looping "Old MacDonald" in the background.

KFC CONSPIRACIES: Down the Chicken Hole

Jon hits a chicken so hard it turns into fried chicken nuggets.
When Jon brings up the Hollow Earth theory, he decides to disprove it... by going out in a lab coat in the middle of the snow with an oversized sewing needle so he can poke the Earth with it. He does so... and it pops like a balloon, leaving Jon floating in space.
Jon: Oh crap, they were right.
Before starting, he says that they're going down the chicken hole before the camera zooms in on his mouth... and then zooming out as it tried forcing itself in his mouth.
Jon: What the fuck, dude? [cough] ...Unless you're getting flirty or something I wouldn't do that again.
The host is dubbed "James Cordon Bleu" by Jon for looking like a bootleg James Corden
Jon is bemused by one of the contestants saying she eats the chicken bones as well.
Jon-as-Bitu: Read my bone-crunching lips: I eat. The bone.
Jon shows off the pro-simulation contestant's train of thought and data on whether the world is a simulation. It's a blank whiteboard.
In arguing why human extinction is completely impossible, Bitu argues that those in power don't want another world war. With the video being posted in late 2020, Jon, who is filming the video on March 4th, 2022, points out how that statement didn't age quite well.
When the contestants introduce themselves for the "Secret Societies" episode, they give their introduction statements. Sharmine claims that there's a secret cabal of financiers and global elite known as the Freemasonry calling the shots; her opponent, Derek Bramah, argues that Big Tech companies and corporations are the ones calling the shots. To both of these, Jon says "WHAT? That's crazy.", before giving a worried Aside Glance to the camera as suspenseful piano music plays.
Jon suspects that Sharmaine Pullman, is an actress given how she acted. Reading the comments he sees comments from people who used to have her as a teacher.
Sharmaine Pullman is a very tall woman, making both Derek and the host look tiny. To drive the point further, Jon shrinks the host.
When the host asks each of the debaters what convinced them of their theories, Jontron interrupts each contestant with a skit of himself dressed as one of them, saying "What started to happen was they just started saying it publicly in front of cameras", and picking up a tv that shows an actual excerpt of financial and tech elites openly admitting to doing morally dubious actions (Klaus Schwab of the World Economic Forum for Sharmaine, and Mark Zuckerburg for Derek). Doubles as Fridge Horror.
"Seriously, what's going on? Everyone chill out! I'VE GOT A GUN!"
Pullman, Bramah and the host keep referring to the pentagram as the pentagon. This is what causes Jon to lose his patience.

Destroying my INTERNAL ORGANS with SHINING ROCKS^note

The episode's framing device: Jon got sick from eating so much fried chicken in the last episode (and washing it down with edible chalk) and his insurance refuses to cover doctors and hospitals after the myriad of times he got health advice from celebrities, instead giving him four practitioners of alternative medicine to look up.
First on the list: Rev. Mychael Shane, "Gem Healer", a medium who claims the spirits he communicates with manifest gems and other precious items inside him, which he spits out after a session (gem vomit, in other words).
Jon: We're in for some shit today, aren't we?
- Jon struggling to read the automated slideshow header on his website.
- ASSMPI
- "Child-like Presence"
- When Mychael was busy trying to throw up, Jon loses it upon one of the weird noises Shane makes. Which sounded like a baby about to throw up or cry. If that wasn't enough, right after Jon laughs in disbelief, the moment is replayed but overlayed with baby-related things pasted on the screen and baby lullaby music playing in the background.
- As Shane is barfing out the gems, Jon admits that while he doesn't believe anything that comes out of him, he completely believes that Shane is struggling to vomit out the gems and coins.
- Jon points out that a spoon (said spoon was stated to be Quan Yin) shown in one of Mychael's sessions wasn't actually in the earlier shot when he spit everything up.
Second: Stephen Turoff, who claims to have the power of light.
- Upon reading his bio, Jon wonders if the "Power of Light" is just Stephen flicking a flashlight on and off.
- When Jon reads that Stephen was formerly a carpenter, he becomes a bit worried about his former occupation.
Jon: I dunno man, the last spiritual teacher who tried this route ended being the carpentry!
- The whole segment where Stephen points to pictures that he claims prove his abilities. Jon quips that Stephen doesn't demonstrate his power because he's still charging, edits a screenshot of the video to look like the "proof" in only a minute, and points out the psychic's nervous body language when he says he didn't make it up, joking that he looks like a suspect in interrogation.
- Another great part of the segment is Jon making fun of one moment where Turoff is pointing to a picture that's pretty far up, by having a skit where he points to the picture of his "dog" that died. Upon closer inspection said dog is actually a hamster.
When Turoff talks about dematerializing in a photo, Jon immediately mocks the moment but goes one step further by doing his version of "X disappears into the void" memes, complete with a reverb of his scream after suddenly disappearing
Next up: Pranic Healing, because "Who even knows at this point". In other words, Jon riffing a video with hilariously low-quality edits.
- Jon gets stumped about the chakras.
  Jon: This is good, this is good. We're two for two. (Third chakra appears, labeled "Ajna") Ajna—(Beat) ...OK, we're two for three.
- The healer proceeds to "absorb life energy from the environment" and fire it out like a laser. Jon edits the scene to cause the laser to blow up Zordon's Headquarters.
- The care and disposal of dirty energy.
  Video: How to dispose dirty energy in the absence of salt and water. Healer throws the energy into a green flame
  Jon: OK, you throw it in the green fire. (Later) I'm just saying, [salt and water] seems a lot more common than [green fire]... you'd probably never need the green fire.
- The video's ending: "Bless the earth to generate good karma", represented by firing red lasers toward at a floating globe.
  Jon: (As warning alarms start blaring) No, you maniac! What are you doing? Only a fool would play God! (the lasers blow up the Earth)
Finally: Braco, the man...who just stares at people to heal them. That's it. Words cannot describe the stupidity.
- Jon proceeds to Head Desk seeing the crowds of people coming to see him.
- "I hate every last one of you for what you represent. Free will is a waste on subjects such as yourselves. I'd rather give free will to my fucking refrigerator."
The ending: Jon gives up trying to get help from alternative medicine and just goes for a walk, and proceeds to run into Braco staring at a lake.
The Brick Joke Stinger where Jon reappears with the tail end of his scream after disappearing into the void earlier in the video.

You Will Literally Not Recover from Watching this Video

Jon using some kind of tiny tricycle to ride on stage, only for it to get out of control and crash offscreen.
"Shocking? Not as shocking as this- AAAH!!!"

Pro Gamer Compounds

"Hate to be the bearer of bad news, Gen Z, but literally nothing good ever happened in a compound! Waco! FLDS Church! SUCROSE!"
Jon misnaming a certain reviewer as "DunkeyDonuts".
In regards to Foyer vs. Foyer (fo-YÉ)
Jon: I mean, it's up to you if you wanna be droppin' the hard R.
The drink hole.
Jon falling through the ceiling of the CashApp Gamer Compound when someone by his name is mentioned to be late to a meeting.
"Oh wow, I can feel your leg through here. Goochie goochie, you wanna see my server room?"
Jon brings up the fact that the National Guard once tweeted "UwU💕":
Jon: Because Hell is no longer a place only accessible after death?
The La-Z-Boy on the Lazy Susan, which ends up becoming a Shout-Out to Angry Video Game Nerd's "Rolling Rock on the Roll n' Rocker" bit, right down to the background music.

Culture. (w/@Internet Historian)

While talking about peep shows.
Historian: Yeah, who's cleaning... the men's side of [the glass]?? It's like the side of a pony jar!
Jon: What's a pony jar?
Historian: ...don't worry.

The A.I. Episode (Chat GPT Takes Over The World)

After Ana tells Jack that he's an A.I.:
Jack: But if you're not real...
Jon: How come you still go "OWIE-OWIE-OWIE OH-OH OWWW" when I go like (punches Ana from behind) THAT!!! When I go like (punches Ana again) THAT!!!
Jon: Wow, I wish you never turned me on...
Ana: I'm sorry.
Jon: That's cool. That's fine. (with his face instead of Jack's) We're friends again.
Jon mocking Jack's question about the weather, despite him being told moments before that he's not real.
Jon: What's the weather like there, Jack? Whatcha seein'? (binary appears over him)
Ameca, a GPT-3 A.I. with a robot body, has a permanently locked index finger. When the tester asks her what would she do to make him happy, Jon speculates Ameca's finger is locked for... That purpose.
After another tester asks Ameca to write a song for him, Jon (as Ameca, with his head superimposed on her body) does weird yodeling noises and then asks the tester is that was good enough.
Google's A.I. trying to arrange a hamburger in a proper order. It goes fine at first, but then it puts an entire ketchup bottle on the burger, which the testers call "peak robot behavior".

The Most Shameless Dating Shows

Part 1

The framing device of the video itself is a dating show about dating shows, called JonTron's Dating Show Dating Show.
How Jon introduces The Button, a speed-dating show where you have the option to end the date by pressing a button on the table where you meet up with someone.
Jon: So basically, if you've never seen this show, the people behind The Button said, "What if Tinder wasn't just an app you used privately on your own off-time, but rather, an immediate situation taking place in front of your own face, so you can more directly feel the shame of rejection, and more importantly, not hide the shame from millions of onlookers as you cry out for help internally?"
One of the contestants featured in The Button is a man named Bonko, who says he likes to play Bulgarian board games. Alex, the woman talking with him, proceeds to ask if he's from Bulgaria.
Jon: (As Bonko) No, I'm just the fourth Animaniac; Yakko, Wakko, Dot, and Banko. YEAH, OF COURSE I'M BULGARIAN! WHAT DO YOU THINK?! I know you're not English, because you ain't no Sherlock Holmes.
- Jon, as Bonko, also gives examples of some of the Bulgarian board games he plays.
Jon: (As Bonko) There's many other classics, such as Ott... Oh Man!, Who Can First Black Out on the Sijivovica, and of course, this one needs no introduction, everyone's favorite, Don't Wake Khan Krum. Great game. (unboxes the latter game, which has a board with a small, plastic figure of a bearded man with bulging eyes and a golden crown laying in a bed in the center) You will notice the lack of player pieces. It is because they have awoken the khan and are now deceased. (the plastic khan suddenly pops up and ominous music starts to play) Oh, no.
This is followed by a segment between two women called Sequoia and Rosie with the titular button revealing the latter's fear of birds as an icebreaker. While both Sequoia and Jon try to laugh off how rude this was, Rosie herself becomes gradually more offended when she perceives that her date does not respect her concerns (ex. she won't even eat outdoors for fear of a seagull attack) or reasons (ex. birds are descended from dinosaurs) relating to her ornithophobia, ultimately causing her to terminate the meet-up first.
In another clip from The Button, one of the contestants claims that watching anime is one of her guilty pleasures... while cosplaying as Mitsuri from Demon Slayer. In response, we get a brief sketch of Jon cosplaying as Shrek and complaining that he has many varied interests but for some reason everyone thinks Shrek is the only thing he likes.
The next show featured is called Dating in the Dark, where a majority of the dates happen in the dark. Of course, rather than make jokes about how absurd that premise sounds, more focus is given to one of the contestants, a massive Casanova Wannabe named Joey, who is a self-proclaimed "straight-shooter" from Joisey who tries to tell if the women he meets are overweight or not by essentially feeling around their bodies, getting roasted to pieces by Jon.

Part 2

The fact that so many people commented about MILF Manor that Jon crowned it the winner of the game show game show, despite it not even being a contestant.

Reading Unhinged Reviews on Google Maps (Magic Short Bus)

Sri Sri: Ranker of the Universe

Titanic II

Jon lampshades how this is the fourth Titanic-related video he's made, and he'll probably make more in the future.

How to Get REVENGE

If the intro parodying "spooky investigative television" hosts and their shows didn't already tell you, this is meant to be the Halloween Special for this year. Jon justifies it by saying the potential legal issues from the tape he's about to review should induce a lot of scares.
At the beginning of the video, Linda Blair tells the viewers to fasten their seatbelts. Jon responds by actually putting on a seatbelt that was installed onto his couch.
- Becomes a Brick Joke when later in the video, a private investigator suggests to falsely report the target of revenge to the immigration offices if they happen to be a minority, causing Jon's couch to crash as if in a car accident due to the whiplash.
  - Jon actually expresses thankfulness he had the seatbelt on, but then puts on a lap bar for extra protection... only for it to prove insufficient when another detective suggests to subscribe the target to suspicious magazine services, causing a more severe couch accident when he casually says "there are dozens upon dozens of homosexual and bisexual magazines available today".
    Jon: SONUVA BITCH, THE LAP BAR WASN'T ENOUGH!

A Wrestling Christmas Miracle

Jon is absolutely baffled to learn that of all people, the late Gilbert Gottfried is in this movie. Since A Wrestling Christmas Miracle came out in 2020, Jon stops to check Gottfried's Wikipedia page to make sure that this wasn't his final role (thankfully, it wasn't).
Jon: Look, at least Gilbert Gottfried's in this movie—WHAT DO YOU MEAN GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S IN THIS MOVIE?!
- After explaining that this movie has other well-known actors like Michael Winslow and Martin Kove, Jon even more surprised to learn that this movie has a $2,000,000 budget. Since it never played in theaters, Jon suspects that it could be part of a money laundering scheme.

The World's Most EXTREME TV Lawyer

Jon starts the episode by standing right in the middle of the road. And then Jim Adler appears... by ramming him with his truck. And sure enough, Jon casually chats with Jim as if nothing happened.
Lampshading the appearance of Bill Adler in the second commercial:
Jon: You know, the universe of Jim Adler - it's got a lot of characters, it's extensive, you would have to read the manga to get it.
Splicing himself into the Double Trouble commercial in hopes of becoming the third Texas Hammer... followed up by Jon's clones arguing amongst themselves.

Funny / JonTron Season Five

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Funny / JonTron Season Five

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