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NCIS is a Long Runner because most episodes are filled with Crowning Moments of Funny.

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    Season 1 
  • Early in the first episode, with Ducky and Tony scrambling to get photos at the President's desk, while Gibbs isn't looking (even though he's well aware of it).
    • And even though Gibbs calls them out on it, a second earlier he went into the President's lavatory to relieve himself.
    • Also, the fact that they practically stole Air Force One!
      • Part of this episode shows how much Fornell and Gibbs are alike when Fornell finds Tony in the body bag they had grabbed from the plane. Tony is thrown from the car and has to make his own way home.
    • NCIS getting no respect from any other government agency, including the TSA, which has to look them up before allowing them to bypass the metal detector, but everybody recognizes Ducky on sight.
      • The guy in question is so clearly green that he doesn't even know that "LEO" means "Law-Enforcement Officer".
    • Abby jumping for joy in the lab when she finally gets a positive match on the poison used to kill Secret Service agents, the first of many Genki Girl moments she has. (It even makes it into the opening credits of the first season!)
  • "Hung Out To Dry":
    • We see the humble beginnings of Gibbs' phone-killing tendencies. It's the anniversary of his third failed marriage and his ex always gets drunk and calls him repeatedly. When Tony walks in on his basement, Gibbs has taken his landline off the hook and submerged his mobile in his beer, drowning it along with his sorrows... and annoyance. (Ducky had to mail him a new one.)
    • Gibbs's monastic refusal to use power tools as he works on a boat.
    Gibbs: I use my hands.
    Tony: (to himself) Guy's a weirdo.
    • Gibbs gifts Kate with an NCIS cap and work boots.
    Gibbs: Can't work the field in high heels.
    Tony: Depends on what kind of work you're fielding.
    Kate: Your mind, DiNozzo, runs the line of X to triple X.
    • Tony gets knocked out of an airplane with a parachute. Gibbs just calmly watches on.
    Gibbs: Good-bye, Agent DiNozzo. (cut to Tony falling with the chute deployed)
    (sound of Tony distantly whooping with excitement)
  • From the episode "Sea Dog":
    Tony: (tries to speak sign language)
    Gibbs: You should wash your hands with soap for saying that.
    • Actually has some basis in fact; making up signs is considered very rude by the deaf community.
    • From the same episode, Gibbs and Tony are first seen scouring the crime reports to find something important enough to investigate. Kate realizes this is because if they don't have a case by 9:30, they'll have to go to a sexual harassment seminar. Tony is actually happy when a Navy Commander washes up on a beach.
  • There's Tony's fashion (ahem) suggestion to Kate.
    Kate: You got me, a bikini.
    Tony: [grinning] Two piece.
    Kate: A bottom...and a hat.
    Tony: Puerto Rican style.
    • What makes it better is Gibbs encouraging her to try it on.
  • In "Minimum Security"...
    • Tony, sleeping in the buff, wakes up to an iguana on his pillow. He freaks out, jumps out of bed to grab his gun, and shouts "Halt!". It gets even funnier when Gibbs and Kate come bursting in with guns at the ready (alerted by his screams and assuming he's in danger). Tony hurriedly puts a chair in front of him to conceal his nudity, while Kate's reaction indicates that she's genuinely impressed with what she sees, despite her constant sarcastic rebuffing of his advances.
      • Gibbs' reaction to all this is to mutter "I need coffee" and make a beeline for the kitchen.
    • In the scene before that, Kate and Tony were arguing over who gets to have the bedroom whose private bathroom is the only one that has a bathtub. Gibbs ends the argument simply by taking that bedroom for himself. As a kicker, he throws the bags Tony and Kate were using trying to call dibs by putting them in the room out into the hallway.
      Tony: Any preference on the remaining bedrooms?
      Kate: No. They're both equally crappy.
    • When Abby is inspecting the porn on the suspect's hard drive, she remarks to Ducky that sex is usually between members of the same species. A few moments later, Ducky quips that the file sizes aren't the only thing that is "too big".
  • The joke about Tony shooting the paper hostage's ear off...and at the end of the episode we see the same situation with the same result in real life (the hostage seems more focused on the fact that he's seeing his family again and being, y'know, alive).
  • Then there's this:
    Suspect: You're wrong!
    Gibbs: I try so hard not to be wrong, don't I, Kate?
    Kate: You're very conscientious in that regard, Gibbs.
    Suspect: What, you're insinuating I had something to do with Tom Eagen's death?
    Gibbs: I try so hard not to insinuate, don't I, Kate?
    Kate: You rarely insinuate, Gibbs.
  • This exchange in episode 12:
    Tony: Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime?
    Kate: [rolls eyes.]
    Tony: C'mon, don't tense up... Starts with 'M'.
    Kate: Murder.
    Tony: No, motive.
    Kate: Murder is a motive.
    Gibbs: [walking in] What do you have?
    Tony: Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime.
    Gibbs: DiNozzo.
    Tony: That's seven letters.
    Gibbs: Works for me.
  • Tony is having trouble with chopsticks, so he asks if Kate got soup. She hands it to him, he starts sipping ...and Gibbs comes in stating that better not be his.
    Tony: [panicked expression] Gibbs ordered soup?
    Kate: [nods, smiling]
    • In the same episode...
      Gibbs: Reminds me of your place, DiNozzo. Except for the minty-fresh urine smell.
      Tony: For your information, I have a maid now.
      Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
      Tony: It's amazing what you can afford when you don't have to pay three alimonies.
      Gibbs : [shines flashlight directly into Tony's eyes.]
    • Even funnier in a meta sense when you consider the Early Installment Weirdness... Gibb's doesn't Dope Slap Tony, and much later we'll learn that Tony has a beautiful apartment that tends to be spotless.
  • Some of the dialogue between Abby and Gibbs can qualify.
    Gibbs: Got anything, Abby?
    Abby: [sets down tool] This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car.note  Notice anything unusual?
    Gibbs: It's inflated.
    Abby: [with a little smile] Is that a guess? Or do you actually know where I'm going with this?
    Gibbs: [with a poker face] What do you think?
    Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
    Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
    Abby: So you don't know.
    Gibbs: I just want to make sure you know.
    Abby: Hm.
    Gibbs: Hm.
    Abby: We should play poker sometime.
    Gibbs: Yeah, we should.
  • A little exchange from episode 20 that pretty much sums up Gibbs.
    Tony: Remember the good old days, Kate?
    Kate: What good old days?
    Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.
    Kate: No.
    Tony: Good, I thought I was the only one.
  • In "High Seas" the urinalysis coordinator is telling Kate how a urinalysis is performed. Kate asks how someone would beat it. She then elaborates, "beat the system." Much to the relief of the coordinator.
  • "Sub Rosa". An emergency blow on a submarine sends Kate flying into Gibbs' arms.
    Kate: "Wow!"
    (Kate laughs, then gives a Death Glare to the crewman smirking at the whole scene)
    Season 2 
  • There's one in the very first episode. McGee is working on something under Kate's desk...then Kate comes and finds him. Her reaction is less than pleased, especially when she notices he's in the exact right position to see up her skirt (he actually doesn't look). Cue chewing out. But the real payoff is later, when Kate has to stand on his shoulders to get on a roof.
    Kate: Are your eyes closed?
    McGee: [eyes tightly shut] Yes!
    Kate: Well, then, open them before you kill us!
    McGee: But you said this morning -
    Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone is kidding with you?
    McGee: I used to, and then I met you guys.
    • And then, in a later episode, the same situation happens with Tony. He's barely kept at bay by her threat to 'drop' the knife she's holding.
  • In the fifth episode, Tony is trolling McGee full throttle. So it's satisfying (and hilarious) when Tony grins, holds out his half-eaten sandwich to McGee, asks if he wants any...and see McGee casually take the sandwich, eat a large bite and hand it back with a 'thanks'. Tony throws it away directly afterward.
  • And in the sixth episode, we have the spectacularly idiotic actions of a teenager under the team's protection. Tony's comment when Kate catches him listening to the girl being chewed out by her parents is just icing on the cake.
    Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al Qaeda assassins; that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
    [Kate gives him a look]
    [Tony gives her a look back]
    [They both put their ears against the door]
  • From 'Call of Silence', when Yost 'escapes'. The team's bland assurances that they'll find him are hilarious to watch when they get chewed out by the prosecutor and they don't really seem to care. Especially funny when McGee says he's keeping an eye on buses, train stations, taxi cabs...walker rentals.
  • Much of season two's "Bikini Wax", including Kate's criticism of Public Exposure in regards to women, just before she starts ogling some men doing the same.
    • Best part is the dialogue:
      Tony: The human body is a beautiful thing, and I think it should be admired.
      Kate: Yeah, right. [opens door] You're right, Tony, the human body is a beautiful thing. *dopey grin* [camera reveals the US Water Polo Team, wearing watch caps, speedos, and a lot of oil]
    • The aforementioned episode ends with Tony finding the photo of Kate in the wet T-shirt contest, which in one of the next episodes he lords over her, much to her embarrassment. At the end of that episode, she reveals a Photoshopped pic (courtesy of Abby) of two dudes in cheesecake poses, one with Tony's head. They agree to delete the pics together...but when they do, Gibbs' e-mail chime goes off twice. Both realize what's happened and beat a hasty retreat. Gibbs, looking a bit puzzled, checks his e-mail. The expression on his face just before the credits is priceless.
      • The scene where Tony discovers the wet T-shirt photo has him breaking into an Evil Laugh.
  • The exchange towards the end of "The Bone Yard", between Gibbs and mob brat Little Ricky.
    • Jimmy Napolitano, local mob boss and Little Ricky's dad, threatens Gibbs with the death of his father, brothers, and uncles (followed by his own after their funerals) if he screws the prisoner exchange they agree to up. Gibbs explains that all the mentioned relatives are already dead (Though in later seasons he's proved to be lying about his father being dead), but if Jimmy likes, he can pass on the names and addresses of his ex-wives...Jimmy hangs up before he can finish.
    • When the team first goes after them, Ricky adds to the Running Gag of people not recognizing NCIS.
      Ricky: Wheat inspectors?
      Jimmy: No, they're Navy cops, you idiot!
    • Early in the episode, Kate catches McGee gawking at her stretching in the gym, shortly before Gibbs has them work out together. The session goes rather cordially until the end, at which point Kate makes him pay for it.
    • Actually, just about the entire episode is back-to-back-to-back CMoFs.
      Gibbs: Some guy tried to outrun a 500-pound bomb.
      Kate: And?
      Gibbs: He lost.
  • Kate singing "Outrageous" by Britney Spears in the shower. And Tony mocking her for it.
  • In the episode "SWAK" the whole team has to take a hazmat shower. Just...look it up.
    Gibbs: [in a slightly sad voice] No card.
  • In the episode "Meat Puzzle" just about every scene involving Ducky's mother is a CMOF:
    • When she first meets Kate. The look on Mrs. Mallard's face is priceless, especially when you add her next lines:
      Mrs. Mallard: Show me your knickers!
      Kate: Um... ma'am?
      Mrs. Mallard: Your underwear, missy. [creepy low voice] One can always tell a woman's intention from her panties.
      Tony: That's always been my philosophy.
    • The scene where Gibbs abandons Tony for more Nanny duty with Mrs. Mallard. Just the tone of voice as he pleads with Gibbs not to leave him there is hilarious. It's like Puppy-Dog Eyes in sound form, except that it doesn't work on Gibbs:
      Tony: NO BOSS!! NOOO BOSS!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! I'm on the verge man!! [Gibbs gets into his car and drives away] I'M GONNA GO POSTAL!!!
    • Also, earlier, Kate finds Tony knows her boyfriend.
      Kate: Steve Adler is your fraternity brother?
      Tony: I'd show you the secret handshake, but then I'd have to kill you.
    • Really, it isn't the words themselves but the way he says them. You just know he's Always Wanted to Say That.
  • Tony and Kate's argument at the beginning of 'Pop Life'. Really, any of their arguments, but this one is especially notable because of the conversation when they try to get a mediator.
    [Tony and Kate come into Autopsy heatedly arguing about Tony stealing part of Kate's lunch]
    Ducky: [cutting in as they start shouting] Excuse me! Show a little respect; this is a place of peace and dignity.
    Tony: That was, before Kate got here.
    Kate: [elbows him in the ribs and walks over to the table] We need a mediator, Ducky. Or I'll have to go to Employee Relations.
    Tony: Which would be tattling.
    Kate: No, going to Employee Relations is not tattling.
    Tony: It's the adult version of 'I'm telling mommy'.
    Kate: You are so juvenile.
    Tony: Am not.
    Kate: Are so!
    Tony: Am not!
    Kate: [takes deep breath] Ducky, we need an unofficial mediator.
    Ducky: Did you try Gibbs?
    [Tony and Kate make faces]
    Ducky: Well, yes, I see your point.
    Kate: We thought of McGee.
    Tony: But we have no respect for him.
    Kate: And then we thought of you.
    Ducky: I see. Third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.
    Tony: Well, we just came from there.
    Kate: She turned us down.
    Ducky: Oh.
    • In the next episode, their bickering is turned Up to Eleven. They actually hiss at each other.
  • Tony and Kate coming to McGee's apartment and ransacking the place. Their comments and general offhand demeanor are hilarious as they mine his geekiness for all it's worth. But the real gut-buster is when, after they've left, a very attractive woman in very short sleepwear comes out of the bedroom calling for Tim. She then proceeds to pick up the headset and resume McGee's computer game.
  • In "Red Cell", Ducky is trying to demonstrate a neck break on Palmer, who goes from perfectly willing to Oh, Crap! when Gibbs takes over, to relieved and giggling (along with Ducky) when Gibbs turns to the decidedly reluctant Tony—who, like Palmer, goes from laughing (when he's going to demonstrate on Palmer) to Oh, Crap! when Gibbs decides to use him.
  • In "Doppelganger", just about all of the team's interactions with their counterparts:
    • This little exchange which is the first hint at how similar the two teams are:
      Not-Kate: Lieutenant, your ex-wife called.
      Not-Gibbs: Which one?
      Not-Kate: The nasty one.
      Not-Gibbs: You're going to have to be more specific.
    • Kate, Tony, and McGee being utterly flabbergasted and weirded out.
    • Kate/Not-Kate shooting down Not-Tony/Tony, respectively. Note the Funny Background Event of Kate smirking and rolling her eyes at Tony's attempt at flirting with her equivalent.
    • Gibbs/Not-Gibbs' annoyance with McGee/Not-McGee's (for added bonus, the latter pair closely resemble each other) geekiness and fumbling—the "Can you believe this nitwit?" look and mutual eye-roll that they share is priceless.
    • The former pair somehow being completely oblivious to their similarities, despite hitting it off immediately.
    • Gibbs drags McGee along when he goes to interview a computer programmer so that McGee can translate the guy's technobabble. The guy ends up needing Gibbs' regular talk interpreted to him.
    • Abby, Kate, and McGee all find important evidence at the same time, and they start fighting over who gets to present their evidence to Gibbs first. Gibbs' exasperated face before whistling to shut them all up says it all.
  • "Caught On Tape".
    • As much as you gotta feel for McGee in these situations, any time he has a run-in with poison ivy sets up a number of these.
    • Especially this first incident, when he reveals to Dr. Mallard that he got it in a somewhat more....personal area.
      McGee: This is, uh...this is kinda embarrassing...
      Ducky: I'm a doctor, McGee. I've seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.
      [McGee drops his pants]
      Ducky: Good Lord.
    • Even better, Palmer walks in, and McGee gets "caught with his pants down."
      McGee: If Tony finds out about this, I'll never hear the end of it.
      Ducky: Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
      Palmer: [walks in] Doctor, I got the new forms you reque—[sees McGee standing in front of Ducky with his pants down] ... I'll come back later... [leaves]
      Ducky: Him, I'm not too sure about.
    • A suspect's dog barks, snarls, and snaps at Kate, only to fall in Love at First Sight with Gibbs—and the feeling is mutual.
    • Tony's failed attempt at emulating Gibbs:
      Tony: I'm just practicing.
      Kate: Practicing what? Annoying me?
      Tony: The creepy way Gibbs used to sneak up on us.
      Kate: What do you mean "used to"?
      Tony: The old man's been wearing Bengay. I can smell him coming a mile away.
      Kate: [gets an Oh, Crap! look and looks away]
      Gibbs: [offscreen] Is that a fact, DiNozzo?
      Tony: [with an Oh, Crap! look of his own] Knee feeling better, boss?
      Gibbs: [leaning out from behind him] Much.
  • "Hearts Afire". When the pretty surgeon who operated on the victim comes to autopsy, Ducky very quickly ends his conversation with Gibbs—"We were done, weren't we, Jethro?", coupled with a sly grin that makes it quite​ clear that he wants to hit on the woman. Gibbs can barely contain his laughter as he agrees with him and leaves.
  • "Forced Entry". The (unknown) e-mails between a perpetrator and his would-be victim being so explicit that they made Gibbs uncomfortable. (It probably doesn't help that he's sharing them with Kate)
    Season 3 
  • "Kill Ari, Parts 1&2"
  • Ziva first going to a crime scene with her new coworkers.
    Ziva: What about me?
    Gibbs: You're coming along strictly as an observer. Hand me all your weapons.
    [Ziva rolls her eyes]
    [Gibbs gives her a look]
    Ziva: [realizing he's serious] Is that really necessary?
    [Gibbs holds out his hand]
    Ziva: Right.
    [hands him her gun]
    Gibbs: [puts gun in his drawer] And your backup.
    Ziva: What backup?
    Gibbs: Left leg.
    Ziva: Oh. That one. [hands it to him]
    Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist.
    [Ziva stares at him, rolls her eyes again and gives him the knife with a "why am I surprised" look]
    Gibbs: [hands it back] You can keep this. I just want you to know that I know.
  • Gibbs asks Ziva about what her observations are at the crime scene.
    Ziva: I am wondering why there is a nine milliliter hole in my hat?
    Gibbs: [beat] Ventilation.
  • The first time Ziva drives the truck — she drives down the wrong side of the road. While the others scream and throw up, and cars honk and squeal in the background, she remains so calm it's hilarious.
    • Although Israelis drive on the right, Ziva says she was just on a six month mission in the UK, which explains her driving on the wrong side. Also, she drives fast because it's the best way to avoid IEDs, and Israelis tend to drive in an offensive, rather than defensive manner.
    • Jenny's delayed warning is telling.
      Jenny: I think she was an eastern European cab driver in a former life.
  • When a murder happens live on a porn feed, Abby has to comb through the rest of it. She has this to say:
    Abby: I have consumed more porn than Tony has in his lifetime.
    Abby: Okay, maybe not, but I have watched a lot of smut.
  • Gibbs fails to show for an award ceremony. His excuse: he was working a case. He fills Jenny in on the details, which don't amount to much.
    Jenny: [W]hy aren't you there?
    Gibbs: I just got the call five minutes ago.
    Jenny: Oh. And the awards ceremony started thirty minutes ago!
    Gibbs: Well, you know me, I like to get a head start on things.
  • Abby's take on They Call Me Mister Tibbs:
    Abby: Thank you, sir.
    Gibbs: Don't call me "sir".
    Abby: Thank you, ma'am. [walks off]
    • Topped off with the chuckle Gibbs gives a moment later; you just know she's the only person on Earth who could get away with that and not get Gibbs Slapped into oblivion.
    • Same episode has a security guard call Ziva "ma'am". She is not amused.
  • When Tony is framed for murder, all the evidence seems to point to him, much to Abby's displeasure. When she finds contrary evidence, she perks right up.
    Abby: [With gospel preacher accent] For a moment, ah lost my faith in...But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And ah will rise up, and find the man who did this to Tony [voice spontaneously echoes] and ah will CRUCIFY HIM!
    [Abby's assistant turns away from her slowly with a freaked out expression — because he did it]
    • Almost as funny is her apology a few episodes later — black roses.
      Tony: [reading the card] 'Get Well Soon'?
      Abby: They didn't have a card that said 'Sorry I Almost Sent You To Prison' at the flower shop.
      Tony: 'Almost'? You actually did send me to prison.
      Abby: [wincing] Well, not for good.
  • Headslap by proxy: Tony makes a smart remark while Gibbs is across the room.
    Gibbs: Slap him, Ziva.
  • "Light Sleeper":
    • Tony says that the house where the two murdered Korean-born women were found reminds him of his cousin's house minus all the blood. Unless you counted that Thanksgiving back in 1998.
      Jimmy: I always say, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family!
      Ducky: There's a touch of the poet in you, Mr. Palmer.
      Tony: I'd say you're just more touched.
    • One of the women who found the bodies also happened to have her baby daughter with her at the time. So when the baby gets hungry, the mom hands her to McGee so she can find the bottle in the diaper bag. McGee has obviously never held a baby before, because he holds her at arm's length and doesn't know how to get her to stop crying.
      McGee: [turns her slightly so she can see her mother] Look, look, look, your mom's right there. Right there. [baby's crying gets louder]
      Gibbs: [slightly amused] You ever hold a baby before, McGee?
      McGee: [with a "please help me" look] No.
      Gibbs: I didn't think so. [gestures for McGee to hand him the baby. She quiets down once in Gibbs' arms, much to McGee's confusion].
  • From "Head Case":
    Tony: ...It looks like this guy did an episode of Trading Spaces with Satan.
    • When Gibbs and Ziva find the severed head in the stolen car, Gibbs does a really funny Eye Take.
  • Gibbs puts the deadpan in Deadpan Snarker.
    [Gibbs is staring at McGee as the team gets in the elevator]
    McGee: Something wrong, Boss?
    Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow.
    • In context, it's even funnier.
    • In the same episode, Gibbs pets Tony's head. It was mostly sarcastic, but there's really no way to watch that without cracking up.
    • There's a lot of odd touching in that episode.
      Gibbs: DiNozzo, why are you touching [McGee's] face?
      Tony: I dunno, Boss. Feels good though, kinda like a bunny rabbit -
      [Gibbs Slap]
    • Gibbs then sees that McGee has gone without shaving to deflect Tony's comments about him possibly being gay. His response is to give McGee a can of shaving cream.
      "You're trying too hard."
    • The same episode has Team Gibbs dealing with the Manassas chapter of LVM (La Vida Mala). One of the lieutenants is a heavyset fellow who acts like he's in charge...until Gibbs gets in his face.
      Gibbs: You're not el jefenote .
      LVM Member: Who am I?
      Gibbs: El gordonote .
      (everyone else chuckles)
  • In the Season 3 episode "Bloodbath", Abby is kidnapped by a stalker posing as a federal agent. Gibbs and DiNozzo run towards the van where she is being held, hearing (Narm-y) muffled screaming. The doors open to reveal... the screaming was from Abby tasing the captor.
    Abby: And don't look up my skirt!
    • In that same episode, Abby gets drunk while hiding out in Gibbs' basement. On top of her slurred ramblings, his expressions as she clumsily swings his sharp tools around, then breaks off a piece of his boat, are priceless.
    • There's also the Running Gag of the team being surprised about Abby having an enemy, and comments that if it were Tony, well, that wouldn't be out of the ordinary...
    • Also, this exchange after the team finds out that Abby has a stalker ex-boyfriend that she had to file a restraining order against.
    Gibbs: Why didn’t you tell me about this?
    Abby: Because, Gibbs... I wanted him restrained, not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.
  • In the episode "Under Covers", the armed confrontation between the FBI and NCIS agents, which took about 10 seconds of inaudible yelling and screaming before they all suddenly go silent when they realize who each other are.
    • While pretending to have sex, we get this exchange between Tony and Ziva:
      Ziva: You think they bought it?
      Tony: I did.
      Ziva: That's fairly obvious.
      Tony: For your information, that's my knee.
      Ziva: Whatever. You can get off me now.
      Tony: It's only been ten minutes. I have a reputation to protect.
      Ziva: We're not even sure if we're under surveillance yet, Tony.
      Tony: Can't be too careful when you're undercover. Let's give it another forty minutes. Just to be realistic.
      Ziva: Realistic, huh? In that case... [rolls to the side so she's on top of Tony] I prefer it on top.
      Tony: I can live with that.
      Ziva: [gives a surprised then disgusted look and then punches Tony hard]
      Tony: What was that for?
      Ziva: Because that...was definitely not your knee.
    • "Under Covers" also gives us Tony and Ziva's first night sharing a bed under said FBI agents' surveillance. At first it seems Tony is a very loud snorer, but a second later it is revealed to actually be Ziva, with Tony not even being able to sleep due to her snoring.
    • Also, the FBI agents spying on Tony and Ziva are convinced that the two of them actually did have sex. This makes McGee wonder if Tony and Ziva actually did do it while undercover.
    • The next morning, when Ziva wakes up Tony by pouring water on his head, Tony (wearing nothing but his boxers) leaps up into a combat-stance on the bed calling out "Getting into position, boss!" before remembering where he is.
    • After the armed confrontation, Fornell shows up, incensed because the married assasins were technically the FBI's jurisdiction. Gibbs, just as angry, demands that the two of them head to their usual conference room. The agents from both sides wince, knowing this will probably get really ugly. Once in the elevator, it turns out both Fornell and Gibbs were putting on an act for the sake of politics and they quickly hammer out a cooperation agreement.
    Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
    Gibbs: Only because they know us.
  • Gibbs catching a fleeing murderer by shooting him in the butt with a rifle.
  • In "Hiatus part 1", Abby manages to get into the ICU by rambling hysterically to the head nurse about, among other things, how long it took to get there, how she and Gibbs are closer than family, and how the picture on her ID is definitely, definitely her, all while emptying a bizarre array of objects out of her purse in search of her ID. All below, said in a manic babble.
    Abby: McGee said that Gibbs was in a bomb blast. He tried to sound really calm, but I could hear the fear in his voice and he should be afraid, for Gibbs to be brought to the hospital in the ambulance could not be good. I had to come see for myself and my hearse got a flat as usual so, um, I got in a cab to go to the airport and then I realized that, that by the time I got to the terminal and, and I bought a ticket and then I went through security and then I flew to Norfolk and then I got a cab here it would be better just to stay in the cab that I was in so I did that, it cost a lost of, you know what it doesn't matter what it cost because this is Gibbs we're talking about. I can't believe that he's hurt he is never hurt, not hurt enough to go to a hospital. He has to be dying to even go see a doctor. Oh my God. He isn't dying is he? I dunno what I would do. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. Okay, I know the rule is that you have to be family to go into Emergency, at least that's what they said when Uncle Charlie got his leg caught in a nurtia trap, but Gibbs and me, we're tighter than blood. I know you need ID, I have ID in here. Um, I work at NCIS, uh, forensics, and, uh, ballistics, chemical analysis and DNA typing. Uh, here, um, that's me, I promise, I just, I had to be in court that day but I swear, that is me.
  • A flashback from when Gibbs was Franks's probie:
    Franks: My brother and I married the same woman twice.
    Gibbs: Twice?
    Franks: She was a hell of a woman, Probie!
    • In the same episode, Abby and McGee are discussing how horrible it would be to lose 15 years of your life.
      McGee: I'd still be in high school!
      Abby: [grimacing] Ugh! Yuck! Zits, braces, raging hormones...
      McGee: Yeah. I used to walk around all day with my notebook in front of my—
      [abruptly falls silent as Abby looks very interested]
      Abby: In front of your what, McGee?
      [McGee quickly changes subjects]
      Abby: So, was it one of those tiny spiral notebooks, or one of those big three-ring binders, Timmy?
      McGee: And where were you, fifteen years ago, Abby?
      [Abby quickly changes subjects]
  • How does Ziva jog Gibbs' memory? Takes his hand and uses it to slap herself on the back of the head. It somehow manages to be funny, heartwarming, and tear-jerking all at the same time.
  • Further flashbacks showing Gibbs as the put-upon, dope-slapped "probie".
  • Ducky brings his mother to work. Hilarity Ensues.
    Season 4 
  • The first episode gives us a hypercaffeinated Abby. McGee advises on her sugar intake, whereupon she comments she's now eating for two. The look on McGee's face is priceless, even if she didn't mean it like that.
    • Plus, Abby's painfully awkward lie about nuns. Bowling nuns. That later turns out to be true.
    • One that hits home for us tropers:
      [Ziva gives background on a former Mossad colleague of hers]
      Gibbs: Who's supposed to be dead.
      Ziva: Apparently, he's gotten better.
  • Abby's delayed reaction to realizing Gibbs is back.
    • After they have a short conversation, Gibbs turns to the camera in the lab and asks 'Unless the three of you have any suggestions?' Cut to the squadroom, where Tony, McGee and Ziva are watching the lab feed with hilariously startled expressions on their faces.
      Tony: Ah — [switching to callscreen] Hey. We were — we were just, ah, eavesdropping like little girls — but we do have suggestions!
    • Then Abby gets so paranoid that Gibbs will leave again that she takes drastic measures. As in, handcuffing herself to him.
    • Also in the same episode, Tony hits on a comparing their situation to The Fugitive. What sells it is Ziva walking in in the middle of his comparison and whispering to McGee.
      Ziva: What happened? We've been avoiding the word 'fugitive' for the last two days.
      McGee: He made the connection himself.
    • Everything about McGee's overbleached teeth, including Gibbs telling him to gargle a Caf-Pow before he makes everyone else go snow-blind.
  • In "Dead and Unburied", the victim turns out to have two fiancees. When the ladies find out about each other, they're not too pleased and proceed to attack each other in the bullpen. While Ziva and Gibbs rush over to break them up, Tony and McGee react like how teenage boys would; the former shouts "CHICK FIGHT!", the latter records the whole thing on his new camera phone, and both of them are grinning.
    • Later, Abby laments that she missed seeing the fight, so McGee takes his phone out so she can see it. They have fun switching between reviewing the evidence and rewatching the fight until Gibbs catches them goofing off.
      Abby: This is my favorite part.
      Gibbs: [peering over their shoulders to watch the video with them] Which part?
      [McGee and Abby straighten up with Oh, Crap! expressions.]
    • The ending, which reveals the victim had a third fiancé. Gibbs’ face just screams You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!.
  • There's Ziva's comment on Tony finding evidence.
    Ziva: Tony just put his hand in another man's pocket and it made him very happy.
  • In "Singled Out", Ziva goes undercover as a geek at a speed dating session. Among other things, she tells one of the speed daters that her brother told her she was attractive, and she can't seem to get a grasp on how to act appropriately geeky. Of course, Gibbs (watching from MTAC) and DiNozzo are enjoying watching her goof up.
    Gibbs: And do turn up the charm, Ziva David. You're a geek. Not mentally deranged.
    • In the same episode, the team gets ahold of software that can meld a man and a woman to approximate their offspring's appearance. Naturally, they can't resist combining Gibbs and Jenny, just in time for Gibbs and Abby to walk in and see.
      Abby: and the director make nice Gibb-lets, Gibbs.
  • The first scene we see Palmer and Agent Lee together — and we immediately see they've apparently been together before and enjoy it immensely.
    • In "Friends And Lovers", we get a normal conversation between Gibbs and Ducky, discussing the victim, how he died, the message the killer left behind, how the method of death could mean there are potentially dozens of at-risk targets, and so on. They then leave — and Palmer and Lee come out from under a covered autopsy table where they were squeezed together for the entire time.
  • The first encounter with Army CID Colonel Hollis Mann.
    Tony: What's happening?
    Ziva: Gibbs just met his fourth ex-wife.
  • Tony's snarky excuse to Ziva about a call from a hospital. A million Yaoi Fangirls squealed their heads off.
    Tony: I'm pregnant. McGee's going to be very proud.
  • From "Smoked", which revolved around a body found in a chimney in said condition.
    Ducky: Well, as the moisture was lost, the victim's tissue — which protected the vital organs — shrank. You see these little black dots?
    Fornell: Um... um... Oh, yeah.
    Ducky: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.
    Fornell: With what? A safety pin?
    Ducky: As I just explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an ice pick or a Phillips-head screwdriver.
    • Actually, the whole set up around this is hilarious once you stop to think about it. Fornell has arrived at NCIS with an official notification that the body in question, being a serial killer the FBI has been after for years, is to be handed over to them, even though NCIS found the body. He goes to Jenny, who acknowledges that everything looks in order and she looks to Gibbs. He invites them to go down to autopsy, where Ducky proceeds to reveal the method of death. Death by screwdriver means that the killer was killed on a marine base, and thus is under NCIS jurisdiction. Jenny proceeds to tear up Fornell's notification. The looks between Gibbs and Jenny indicate that they were already aware of how the guy died, but instead of just telling Fornell, they make him jump through their hoops, pretty much just for shits and giggles.
    • Earlier in the same episode:
      Tony: Guy looks like a piece of beef jerky, Duck.
      [some non-relevant dialogue]
      Gibbs: How'd he die?
      Ducky: Well, the "how" I'm still working on... It's made particularly difficult by the means by which his body was preserved. He was, quite literally, smoked inside that chimney.
      Ziva: Smoked?
      Ducky: Yea, like a fine cut of meat.
      Tony: ...So he really is a beef jerky.
  • This clip from "Suspicion".
    McGee: Where the hell is Edenvale?
    Tony: Keep scrolling, probie.
    McGee: I am scrolling, I'm telling you I can't find it.
    Tony: It's not on the map.
    McGee: Boondocks.
    Tony: Boondocks, Boss!
    Gibbs [walking into the office area with Ziva] Pack a toothbrush.
    Ziva: What are boondocks?
    [Tony and McGee stare at each other]
    Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.
    McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.
    Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.
    McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.
    [the two continue to imitate "Dueling Banjos" for the entire ride there]
    • Made funnier from Ziva's look of "This does not answer my question. What the hell are you doing?" and Gibbs' look to Tony of "You're gonna do that the whole ride up there, aren't you?"
    • Tony's date with Jeanne in the same episode. He comes to the hospital, and upon finding out she can't leave that night, pulls everything to make a nice date out of his car (chairs, table, rose, wine, food, cutlery, etc.).
      Jeanne: This is like a scene from an old movie.
      [Tony suddenly looks away shiftily]
      Jeanne: Wait a second. Is this a scene from an old movie?
      Tony: Ah. Well, that — really depends.
      Jeanne: On?
      Tony: Have you ever seen a movie called Strangers In The Night with Carey Grant?
      Jeanne: I don't think so.
      Tony: Then no, this is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself.
  • In "Cover Story," McGee is showing his writing process to Tony, who is busy being Tony. McGee demonstrates the technique of free-writing, i.e., writing whatever comes to mind, stream of consciousness style... while Tony stands over him, continuing to goof off. What does McGee free-write? "He loomed over me like a grotesque clown, his breath reeking of garlic as he tried to discern my thoughts."
  • The reaction of the first person to go into Gibbs's basement after he has finished and removed his first boat.
  • While they are driving to someone's house, Tony and Ziva have one of their usual conversations where Ziva gets confused by a metaphor. At the end, they get out of the car at their destination, still arguing. Then Tony looks confused at the turn the conversation has taken.
    Ziva: After we find the pirate's copy of Ares.
    Tony: Pirated.
    Ziva: That's what I said.
    Tony: No you said pirate's. A pirate's a person like Captain Jack Sparrow.
    Ziva: Who's Captain Jack Sparrow?
    Tony: Johnny Depp.
    Ziva: [in a dreamy voice] He's a pirate?
    Tony: No, he's a...How did we get here?
    Ziva: I drove?
  • Season four episode "Driven" begins with Team Gibbs attending a sexual harassment lecture and demonstrating why — between Abby hugging people with her mind, Ziva licking Tony's ear, and nobody quite having the guts to mention Gibbs's fondness for the Dope Slap — it's generally for the best that they usually manage to skip these lectures. See it here.
    • Jimmy Palmer is the scene-stealer. "WHY are you touching dead naked people?"
      • He also inadvertently owns her in that scene, too, responding to her accusatory question with "Well, I work in autopsy, so..."
    • Later, when Abby gets pulled from a trap in a vehicle, even after being in serious danger, she asks, "Permission to hug?"
      • Which switches to Heartwarming when Gibbs tells her she never has to ask.
    • Also, at the start of the scene, as the camera pans around you can clearly see a male agent by the door who is fast asleep.
    • And when they do end up leaving for a case, Jenny Shepard, the director, in a tone that indicates EXACTLY what she thinks of the situation anyway, says she "will take EXCELLENT notes."
    • Generally described as "Team Gibbs meets Sensitivity Training. Team Gibbs wins."
    • And from later in the episode, Tony going undercover as a homeless guitarist. Including reporting what he observes through improvised reggae songs.
    "Hey, boss. I think I've been made now."
  • At the beginning of "Escaped" we learn that McGee overbleached his teeth the night before. He spends the entire episode keeping his mouth as closed as possible so his teeth are never seen, with Tony trying to get a look and the rest of the team offering tips on how to darken them. Finally, at the end when they arrive at work to see Gibbs has returned from his 10-Minute Retirement, the camera pans across the stunned faces of Ziva, Tony, until it comes to McGee with a big goofy grin on his face, showing off the brightest teeth ever. It even gets a joke in the "grey-out," complete with a Twinkle Smile and an Audible Gleam. See it here.
  • In "Twisted Sister," Gibbs goes to Abby's lab, where Director Shepard is helping Abs out, due to a staff shortage. Gibbs starts to gripe about how much Shepard has been pulling DiNozzo away from the team. Abby interrupts, going into a letter-perfect imitation of both Gibbs and the Director arguing. Even better, Gibbs and Shepard's expressions make it clear that Abby guessed exactly what they were going to say. Abby finishes it with, "The kids don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight."
    • And speaking of Tony, the mere fact that he's surprised that McGee never mentioned having an incredibly attractive sister. Really, Tony?
  • "Witch Hunt". The backstory on this moment is that a little girl had been kidnapped, with one of the kidnappers remaining with mother, posing as her sister. The instant the woman gets word that her daughter is safe, she turns on her 'sister' and knocks her to the ground, telling Gibbs and the team the truth. Then she kicks the kidnapper again. And again. Note the Oh, Crap! look on the kidnapper's face just before the ass-kicking begins, and how Gibbs and McGee are so dumbfounded that they just stand there and watch, with Gibbs even scrambling to hide against the wall to get out of the way.
    Gibbs (to the group, after finally restraining the mother): "Apparently, she doesn't have a sister."
    • Tim and Tony drooling over Abby in her Halloween costume, to the point where Gibbs has to simultaneously Dope Slap both of them to snap them out of it.
    • The suspect at the Halloween party is dressed as a Klingon. And, naturally, McGee is the only one who can translate his insults.
  • In "Blowback", the team trolling the Israeli Arms Dealer while tricking him into thinking that they're flying him to Zaire, where the people have a serious bone to pick with him.
  • "Trojan Horse". Only four seasons in and we get Gibbs' most epic Right Behind Me moment ever, with him pulling this even though he's not even in the room—Abby and McGee are in her lab, discussing the case, and turn towards the door, obviously anticipating this, with McGee commenting, "Gibbs has been a little off his game since he took over for the director."
    Gibbs: "Is that so, McGee?
    [Abby and McGee turn around to see Gibbs glaring at them from the video com-link]
    Season 5 
  • Everyone fessing up to raiding Tony's things after his supposed death mere hours before in "Bury Your Dead."
    Abby: Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva.
    Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little hastily.
    Tony: That's my letter opener.
    Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I've always admired it.
    Tony: Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
    Abby: Palmer.
    Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
    Abby: Ducky... Hey, Ducky.
    [Ducky is attempting to stealthily return the stapler when he's spotted]
    Ducky: My dear fellow, I never believed it for a moment. Welcome home.
  • From the episode "Ex-File":
    • We have Colonel Hollis Mann (current girlfriend), Jenny Shepherd (former lover), and Stephanie Bronwyn Flynn (ex-wife number 3). Any scene between the three of them and Gibbs.
    • Abby uses her tax refund to get everybody on Team Gibbs new iPods, which leads to some funny moments in the first bullpen scene:
      • Tony walks into the bullpen, singing along to Sinatra. He only stops when Ziva gives him a cut-it signal so he wouldn't get on the bad side of Gibbs.
      • McGee is listening to an MIT lecture about how Alpha Males project power through their body language... and then Gibbs perfectly demonstrates it to get McGee to stop listening to it while he's at work.
  • Gibbs drinks a lot of coffee...
  • In 'Identity Crisis', the team is being briefed of a terrorist they're after, but Tony is behaving even more juvenile than usual; poking Ziva's ear, musing on the abundance of 'K's in the terrorist's name, making a comically dismayed face when told to shut it...Really, the whole scene.
    • Ducky storms off to confront the ME who failed to do an autopsy on the body of a murder victim. . .and goes completely slack-jawed and wide-eyed upon discovering that it's a very attractive woman. Gibbs, who has watched the whole scene with considerable amusement, can't resist snarking at him as they leave:
      Gibbs: Gee, I hope she recovers from that tongue-lashing.
    • Tony's completely one-sided conversation with Gibbs after the latter points out a too-curious bystander. Tony makes a crack about how pretty she is, only to instantly realize—thanks to Gibbs' look—that that's not what he was getting at.
    • The episode starts out with McGee looking at animal rescue websites, because he's thinking of getting a puppy. Ziva and Tony are at his desk to help him look over what kind of dog to get. Then Gibbs comes in, sees what's going on, and suggests that McGee get a Australian Shepard... because they're working dogs. The team gets the hint that they should get back to work.
      • Then Gibbs goes down to autopsy, and McGee, Tony, and Ziva start to get up from their desks to follow him. Here's how Gibbs orders them to stay in the bullpen.
      Gibbs: Sit. [They do so] Stay. [Smirks as he walks towards Autopsy] Roll over.
    • This exchange when Ziva once again doesn't get an American idiom:
      McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back onto that horse.
      Ziva: Are you getting a pony?
      Tony: It's an adage.
      Ziva: I'm not familiar with that breed.
      Tony: Yes, well, they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.
  • Phone conversation between Abby and the others, who are investigating aboard a rat-infested and possibly haunted naval vessel:
    McGee: I'm dealing with my boat phobia, Tony's dealing with his rat phobia, and Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
    Abby: What's Gibbs dealing with?
    Gibbs: [snatching phone from McGee] Them.
  • In "Leap Of Faith", where DiNozzo and McGee are caught in an awkward position by a therapist...who thinks they're in for marriage counseling. Even better as Tony rolls with it.
    Doctor Fleming: Aren't you the couple that called about marriage counseling?
    McGee: Couple? No, no—
    Tony: Timmy, Timmy, it's all right. We're in a safe place; we can be ourselves here.
    • "I love you, McGee."
    • In the same episode, Abby's impersonation of Gibbs. While at his desk, wearing his reading glasses. And then the camera pans over to reveal him behind her, which she realizes without any indication at all because....well, it's Gibbs.
      Abby: You're. . .standing behind me, aren't you?
      Gibbs: Yep. Feeling real secure about your job there, Abbs?
      Abby: Um, not so much anymore.
    • It's especially funny since unlike most foolhardy examples of this trope, she clearly looks around before she starts mimicking him, only to get caught anyway.
  • From "Requiem", Even distraught Tony, having just saved Gibbs from drowning, attempts to avoid administering CPR.
    Tony: Don't do this to me! Don't make me kiss you, Boss!
    • Later in the episode, a more-than-usually flustered Abby shows up at autopsy to collect a dead Marine's clothes and fingernail scrapings, and tries to shoo Ducky and Gibbs out of "[her] lab" so that she can get on with the processing. Gibbs and Ducky exchange a look as it slowly dawns on Abby that she isn't in her lab.
  • Ziva fails to read between the lines that when Washington PD says they're hand-delivering evidence, it really means they'll invite themselves in on the investigation. After detectives have arrived and set up in the squadroom and the predictable (half-whispered) argument between Tony and Ziva:
    Ziva: [whispering to Tony and looking rather annoyed/amused at his accusations] This is not my fault!
    Tony: Will Gibbs see it that way?
    [Ziva suddenly looks slightly apprehensive.]
    • Later, Tony and Ziva get to a remote place and are fighting over the map.
      [both grab the map, pull it back and forth for a few seconds and glare at each other]
      Ziva: I am a trained navigator, Tony.
      Tony: Yeah, well, I got an 'A' in Geography. [Ziva gives him a 'what?' look] Plus, I'm Senior Field Agent. I'm pulling rank.
      [both tug at the map again and Ziva glares at him]
      Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin. Hm?
      Tony: We'll shoot for it.
      Ziva: Best two out of three.
    • Tony wins. And goes off in the wrong direction.
  • Season five's "Corporal Punishment": "My fingers are finging."
    • And the beginning of that episode with Tony quoting from The Fugitive.
      Tim: Hey! The "Tommy Lee Jones Speech", every time we have a fugitive, really?
    • In the same episode, when Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the stomach.
      Tony: Go ahead.
      McGee: As hard as she can.
      Tony: As hard as she can.
      McGee: You know, that's how Houdini died.
      Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
      Ziva: It is possible; I do not remember all their names.
      • Before they head off to the Navy mental institution, Ziva readies an ambush attack... then purposely stops short of Tony's stomach, leaving him wincing and her laughing her head off.
  • In "Tribes", Gibbs' meeting with Agent Langer, an old buddy of his, and actually reacting the way other people do when meeting old friends. Just seeing Jenny's face as he laughs and jokes along with the previously stone-faced FBI agent is hilarious. It's rather jarring to see him acting like, you know, a normal person.
    • Paired with "Heartwarming", as he teasingly calls the guy "Newbie" or "Probie", just like Mike Franks does with him.
  • In "Dog Tags," McGee is attacked by a seemingly vicious dog, while the rest of the teem looks at the Crime scene inside. Then McGee's gun fires. They run outside and find McGee getting up while the dog is whimpering on the ground. During this whole scene a really loud and obnoxious song. While were looking at the wounded dog, the last lines of the song before the opening credits are "Bad dog, no biscuit!"
    • Also from "Dog Tags," when the dog lovingly named Jethro escapes from Abby's car, he makes a run for the forest and she chases after him. This dialogue follows:
      Abby: Jethro! JETHRO!!
      Two jogging marines passing by: I'm Jethro!
    • Four words: "Good boy... BAD McGee!"
  • While the team is under investigation, Abby is being questioned. Hilarity Ensues.
    Fornell: Abby -
    [Abby hold up finger and takes a loooong slurp of Caf-Pow! while Fornell looks slightly exasperated]
    Abby: [sets down soda] Mighty generous.
    Fornell: I've gone over your results regarding the case in question -
    Abby: There's a problem with your theory of the crime. Like, a big hole. I could drive a truck through it. Well, I — I may not be able to drive a truck through it because I was never that great with a double-clutch, but — but a truck driver could just — [motions with hand]
    Fornell: Care to share?
    Abby: Well, it's obvious. I — I mean you think there's a murder here, like right underneath Gibbs' nose. That whatever took place took place without Gibbs knowing.
    Fornell: And that could never happen.
    Abby: I'm gonna share a secret with you. It's a theory, that I've been working on. Off the books.
    [Looks around in an exaggerated manner while Fornell tries not to roll his eyes]
    Abby: [half-whispering] Okay. The magic. Like, dark magic. He has eyes and ears everywhere. He — he appears like a [motions] mist. And whenever I get a clue, he just...[motions again] materializes.
    Fornell: [leans forward and trying not to use a condescending tone] Maybe he bugged your lab.
    Abby: No. [beat, smiles mischeviously] I checked.
    Fornell: [stares for a moment, then visibly decides to change track] What's that like? It sounds aggravating.
    Abby: No.
    Fornell: Does he ever get angry?
    [montage of Gibbs Dope Slapping the team and demonstrating a nasty-looking Neck Snap technique on Tony and McGee]
    Abby: Never.
  • Ziva performing Percussive Maintenance.
    Ziva: [kicks copy machine] DIE, you stupid machine!
    McGee: [watching from a safe distance] She seems unfazed.
    Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy-machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.
  • In "Judgment Day, Part 1", Ziva and Tony are away guarding Director Sheppard at a funeral, and Gibbs is in another part of HQ. McGee comes in late... and sees Abby at Ziva's desk and Ducky at Tony's desk, impersonating them both, including a fake accent and Ducky putting his feet up on the table. When McGee asks where Gibbs is, Palmer rushes in with a perfect Gibbs impression... after which Gibbs actually arrives. It turns out that autopsy and forensics had been closed for a random bug sweep and Abby, Ducky, and Palmer just had nothing else to do.
    Season 6 
  • "Last Man Standing". Gibbs' utter misery in dealing with his inept new team, particularly his massive eye roll after the elevator doors close with him not on it.
    • The equally annoyed McGee essentially being Gibbs in his new assignment, complete with terse conversations with his intimidated, fumbling underlings. Until Gibbs himself shows up and he goes right back to being McGee.
    • On examining the badly decomposed body, Gibbs asks Ducky if there's any indication that the man had sex before he died.
    Jimmy: "Well, he did come to a sticky end" (cringes at the dual Death Glare from Ducky and Gibbs) "I'll go get the gurney."
  • Abby filling Tony in on what he's missed during his time as Agent Afloat.
    Abby: Sister Rosita bowled a 260 last week! And I finally watched The Titanic. It sinks at the end — very weird.
  • Abby's hunt for the person who ate her cupcake. The suspects: Tony, Ziva, McGee, Gibbs, Ducky, and Therman Addeberry, the night watchman.
    • Then the comes the reveal about who it was: Tim ate it because he was hungry and the vending machine was out. Both Tony and Ziva Dope Slap him for it.
  • In "Heartland", which is the investigation takes place in Gibbs's hometown, it is discovered that Gibbs has a father leading to this hilarious scene where Tony, Ziva and McGee speculate on how Gibbs came to this world.
    Tony: So many questions! My mind is... [spins office chair] spinning with questions! I mean, have you ever thought about it? He actually came from somewhere! He didn't just appear, y'know; he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy, and then he grew!
    Ziva: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics!
    McGee: That's funny, I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule, after his home planet exploded!
    Ziva: [laughs] No, he burst forth, full grown, from the mind of Zeus!
    McGee: Nice.
    Tony: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh. He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here!
    • With the team needing to pursue a lead in Gibbs' hometown, Team Gibbs is preparing to hit the road... with one exception.
      Gibbs: DiNozzo!
      Tony: On your six, Boss!
      Gibbs: Follow up with the Taylor family.
      Tony: [stopping in his tracks] But I... [resigned] On it.
      [Ziva and McGee grin smugly as they join Gibbs in the elevator]
      Tony: I hate you. [Ziva and McGee grin wider as the doors close] Take l- take lots of pictures!
    • And in the same episode:
      Ziva & McGee: Gibbs has a father!
      Abby & Tony: Tell me everything!
  • In "Nine Lives":
    • When McGee fills in the team on a suspect, you can see Tony trying to pronounce 'Mepolizumab' over and over.
    • Ziva misremembers yet another idiom.
      Ziva: No wonder he is keeping his cards so close to his breasts.
    • The team grabs their gear, follows Gibbs and Fornell toward the elevator, and -
      Gibbs: [as door closes] Let me know if he moves.
      Tony: Probably best if we hang back.
      Ziva: Same thing I was thinking.
      McGee: Couldn't agree more.
    • Ziva going on a Foreign-Language Tirade that makes Tony ask her if her "Men of Mossad" calendar got lost in the mail. Or is it her "Women of Mossad" calendar?
    • But the true CMoF of the episode has to be this line:
  • From "Murder 2.0":
    [Taking photos of a shower that dispensed blood]
    Tony: My mother isn't quite herself today.
    [Ziva gives him a weird look]
    Tony: Psycho.
    Ziva: You certainly have your moments.
    Tony: Mother...blood. Blood!
    Ziva: [to Gibbs] Psycho.
    Gibbs: He has his moments.
    • The team's reaction to the Numa Numa guy.
    • Tony's Digging Himself Deeper comment.
      Vance: You must have really pissed someone off[, Gibbs].
      Tony: That's not a short list. [Gibbs looks at him] — of people that — that you've angered — just because you have rock-solid principles so it's easy for people to misunderstand that — and — misconstrue — cause, y'know — people don't -
      Vance: Why don't you quit while you're behind, DiNozzo.
      Tony: I'm trying.
    • Tony's "You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!" face when the pretty blond girl falls for Gibbs.
  • Tony's interrogation technique.
    Tony: I know a little about suits, and that one's pretty expensive, huh?
    Suspect: You brought me here to compliment me on my suit?
    Tony: How'd you get those teeth so white? You cap 'em? You like to use those whitening strips?...How about the mouth guard with the gunky gel in it? You use one of those? How do you do it?
    [Suspect pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation, camera switches to McGee and Dwayne in observation]
    McGee: Tony has his own style. Sort of Dirty Harry meets Keystone Cop.
    Suspect: You got a serious question for me, Agent DiNozzo?
    Tony: Yeah. How's business, Paul?
    Suspect: Fine.
    Tony: [randomly paws at his ear] Ah. [grabs both his ears and pulls] Oh. [grins] That was a big one. Lies make my ears itch. You should know that.
  • In "Collateral Damage":
    • When Vance walks into Tony stealing from the break room:
    Tony: ...inside man did an inside job! [smacks a vending machine, which drops a chocolate bar]
    [Vance and a new recruit enter the room right at that moment]
    Tony: Director Vance, I was just-
    Vance: Explaining your theory of theft in the workplace? Which is certainly an epidemic.
    Tony: ...and very wrong.
  • From "Cloak":
    Ziva: What is this place?
    Soldier: It's classified.
    Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
    Ziva, Tony, and McGee [in unison]: Unicorn!
    • Abby unexpectedly locking her lab door.
      [crack from door]
      McGee: Ow!
      Abby: [starts frantically hiding things] Just a second! I'm — in the shower!
      [finishes and opens door]
      McGee: [holding his nose] I hit my face on your door.
      Abby: Why'd you do that?
      [crack from door]
      Tony: Ah! Abby!
      [much later]
      [crack from door]
      Palmer: Ah! Ow. Abby? [door opens] Hey, your door's locked.
      Abby: I change one little thing, and you all lose your minds.
    • The team's argument on how to break into a highly secure facility to steal top-secret war plans.
      McGee I say we go with a fire drill.
      Ziva: Please stop pitching the fire drill.
      Tony: Oh! Oh, I think I got it.
      McGee: We are not digging a tunnel.
      Ziva: Or building a catapult.
      McGee: Or setting up a series of pneumatic tubes — although I am partial to the concept.
  • Abby's concern over what to get Gibbs for Christmas.
    Abby: What do you get for the man who has nothing and wants nothing?
    Ducky: Squeaky shoes.
  • "Road Kill":
    • Tony is participating in a "Best Deep-In-Thought Face" conest on a social media website where people take videos or pictures of themselves to win "best whatever" contests. Ziva dismisses it as childish and tries to get McGee to back her up, but she then looks over and sees him trying out for the "Best Psycho Face" contest on the same website. Then Tony goes over and puts his fingers on Tim's face in an attempt to contort his face into a good one.
    Gibbs: [Walking into the bullpen] Would you two like some alone time together?
    McGee: Uh, no boss, we were just—
    Ziva: Acting like children.
    • Later on, Ziva downloads the crime scene photos from one of the cameras and sees that Tony used it earliet for Air Guitar contest on the website. It then comes up on the Plasma during the debriefing on the case, causing Gibbs to see it.
  • From the episode "Caged":
    Tony: You know McGee, sometimes a man can be loved more for his weaknesses than his strengths.
    Gibbs: [walks in] Well then DiNozzo, you must be one very well-loved man.
    • A little while later, McGee is sent to get the confession from a hardened suspect. Tony, of course, needles him about failure. Ziva supports him and expresses faith that he'll get it, citing that he's rather persuasive when he wants to be. After McGee leaves:
      Tony: He's toast, isn't he?
      Ziva: Oh yes. Burnt toast.
  • When Ducky's in the hospital in "Broken Bird", Abby lampshades how often the team is in danger:
    Abby: If I keep going to Crazy Town every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to get my mail forwarded.
    • And, as usual, Tony:
      Tony: Your head really is shaped like an egg, you know that?
  • Gibbs inexplicably teleporting a Caf-Pow! into Abby's fridge.
    Abby: I don't know how you did that and I don't care! Thank you, Gibbs!
    • Claire.
  • Tony comes in with a hangover after taking some Japanese agents out for sake bombs. He keeps digging himself deeper accidentally.
    Dinozzo: Remind me to never have a hangover in Israel.
    Gibbs: DiNozzo.
    Dinozzo: Not that I have a hangover now, boss. You know I would never drink alone on a school night.
    Gibbs: Where were you last night?
    Dinozzo: ...Drinking.
    Gibs: You alone?
    Dinozzo: Of course not. [beat] Not that there's anything wrong with drinking bourbon your basement...with a boat...
  • In "Bounce":
    • The team's reactions to Tony being the boss.
      McGee: He walks around with that peacock strut, and that smirk. It's like...heh, he's behind me, isn't he?
      Tony: Smirking.
      McGee: Good timing. How long were you standing back there?
      Tony: About two minutes.
    • Also
    • Since Tony is taking over Gibbs' position, Gibbs' essentially takes over for Tony—snarky comments, teasing Tim and Ziva, etc.
    • Gibbs is also more talkative, but also more soft-spoken, than he usually is. This throws Tim and Ziva for a loop.
  • In "South By Southwest," Tony has a conversation with a local sheriff, played by Lance Henriksen. Afterward, he does a jaw-droppingly perfect imitation of Henriksen's distinctive voice.
    • Tony's unfamiliarity with horses. Granted, many of us wouldn't do all that much better, but it's still laughable.
  • Palmer's Captain Obvious moment in "Knockout".
    Palmer: It's not likely he was killed by a bird.
    • Note that the guy was shot.
    • From the same episode:
      Ziva: You can't make an omelette without breaking a few legs.
      Tony: You're never making me breakfast.
      Ziva: Then make it yourself.
  • In "Hide and Seek", the team learn that the murder weapon of the week was bought from a pawn shop by "Eddie Felson". Tony immediately asks, "'Fast Eddie' Felson?" McGee, not getting the reference, runs a database search on "Fast Eddie Felson"... and gets his character page on the Internet Movie Database.
    • Team Gibbs' involvement starts with Abby coming into the squad room and telling the team about the gun that a woman found among her son's things, trying to mobilize them while doing her impression of Gibbs, complete with coffee in hand (which she doesn't seem to like). No matter what she says, nobody on the team thinks that it's worth investigating—until Gibbs walks in and tells them to get moving, which they promptly do.
      Abby: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip; only you can drink the swill.
    • Gibbs assigns McGee and Tony to follow the three boys who found The Body Of The Week into the woods so they can document the crime scene. During the trek, McGee reminisces on how he used to be like these kids as he grew up in navy base housing as well. Tony then asks, "Which one were you? The skinny one, the quiet one, or the one with the hot mom?" That's when the moms (who are accompanying them so they can comfort their kids) show up behind him. Tony quickly runs to catch up with the boys.
    • McGee has accidentally run over a custom made set of golf clubs borrowed from Ducky, and spends the episode scrambling to buy a replacement set on eBay. Eventually, Tony snipes an auction with a $1200 bid, and offers to sell the clubs to McGee for $1300... except the clubs are left-handed, and Ducky is right-handed. Tony tries to blackmail McGee into buying the clubs anyway by threatening to tell Ducky what happened to the original... while Ducky is standing right behind him. Ducky tells a horrified McGee they can consider themselves even, as the autographed copy of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythm he borrowed from McGee has also met an unfortunate yet unspecified fate.
    • Abby becoming attached to the maggots that were feeding on the dead body. She even changed her music for them! And gave them all cute names.
  • Gibbs meeting Kort and finding two dead bodies with him is darkly amusing.
    Kort: I think they shot each other.
    Gibbs: That's your story?
    Kort: One I'm sticking to.
    • Then the team notices he's missing, and Ziva checks his computer calendar... while Tony and McGee watch the stairs and elevator, naturally.
      McGee: Maybe something happened to him? He does live alone.
      Tony: [newsreporter voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat and an even larger bottle of bourbon. Film at eleven.
    • "You lied to me, Wall."
  • From "Toxic":
  • "Love And War", McGee finds a talking teddy bear at a crime scene and rigs it to talk like Gibbs. Everyone finds it hilarious until the usual happens.
    Teddy Bear: "Sorry, boss."
    Season 7 
  • The Season 7 premiere, "Truth or Consequences", has a hilarious pseudo-dream sequence as Tony explains to his (and Ziva and McGee's) captor, Saleem Ulman, that business as usual lost all meaning when the team thought Ziva had gone down with the Damocles.
    [the following are all delivered against an out-of-focus background and with heavily echoed voices]
    McGee: Blah blah blah, computer stuff. Blah.
    Ducky: [plops a file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report.
    Abby: Words. There's so many... words. And feelings... and stuff... and emotions! Thanks for listening.
    Gibbs: We got a dead Marine. Grab your gear. [cut to later] Missing kid. Grab your gear. [cut to still later] Some idiot smuggled a koala onto a submarine. Grab your gear.
    • And how did they track down Saleem Ulman? He mentions a caffeine addiction offhand early in his interrogation of Tony. It emerges that, while a Yale undergraduate, he developed a fondness for one beverage which, since it is unavailable in Europe and Africa, he is now using his supply network to import from the United States: Caf-Pow. The sight of the bright red soft drink pouring out of his canteen when he throws it across the room in a rage is priceless.
    • McGee's Not Listening to Me, Are You? moment.
      McGee: Been thinking about buying some tight red leather pants. You know, something that really cradles my butt.
      Tony: It's not normal.
      McGee: I'm kiddding, I'm not really gett -
      Tony: It's not normal that we haven't heard from Ziva.
  • From the "Reunion":
    • The stripper's manager - a rather sleazy-looking guy - offers the team his card. McGee takes it with a pair of tweezers.
    • The team gets ahold of a video where a woman takes off her coat to trendy music in a seductive manner, then the camera cuts to Tony and McGee's faces as it continues.
      Tony: [looking as if he's thoroughly enjoying himself] That's illegal in most states.
    • Tony and Ziva meeting, which McGee extracts himself from as soon as possible.
  • In the third episode:
    • Tony, Ziva and McGee taking bets on what interrogation technique Gibbs will use.
    • Tony attempting to help McGee get out of a polygraph by trying to talk him into taking a picture of himself in a coffin and convincing the testers he's dead. McGee actually looks like he's considering it before the mortuary director comes back.
    • When stealing info from a car lot, Tony assures McGee several times that there are no dogs. You can guess what happens next.
  • In a callback to "Escaped" above, the end of "Code of Conduct". Well, this whole scene is a CMoF beginning with Abby rigging McGee's keyboard to foam and ending with Ziva tainting Tony's coffee to turn his teeth blue, a joke that, like McGee's overbleached teeth, continued into the "grey-out." Can't believe she pulled it off with a straight face.
  • From "Outlaws And In-Laws":
    • The team's argument over Ziva becoming an American citizen, which devolves into this:
      McGee: Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
      Tony: You bet your ass I do. I'm talking about the American Dream.
      Ziva: What do you know about the American Dream?
      Tony: Well, let's see. I'm a white male between the ages of 18 and 49 with a loud mouth and a gun. I am the American Dream.
    • Gibbs finished his boat a few years back, and when it reappears as a crime scene, what's Abby's priority?
      Tony: That's...
      Abby: Uh-huh.
      McGee: It's no longer in...
      Abby: Uh-huh.
      Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.
      Abby: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence and now it is mine. It is aaaaaaaaaaall mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
      McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
      Ziva: Or who killed them?
      Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat?
      Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.
    • When Tony and Ziva are assigned to guard Mike Franks.
      [Tony comes in the door to a gun pointed at his face]
      Franks: DiNozzo! [lowers gun] Should have told me you were coming.
      Tony: [glaring] I called and you didn't pick up.
      Franks: I'm not gonna answer the phone; I'm a fugitive!
      Tony: So what do you want me to do?
      Franks: Knock.
      Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door.
      Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun?
      Tony: Why would somebody be standing on the other side with a gun?
      Franks: Because there's no lock on the door.
  • This little gem from "Endgame":
    Abby: [after giving Gibbs her usual report] What are you hiding?
    Gibbs: [holds up a Caf-Pow]
    Abby: Oh, no! It's too late; I can't.
    Gibbs: [holds up a "No-caf Caf-Pow"]
    Abby: Gibbs, you are an enabler. And I love you for it. [takes Caf-Pows]
  • The entire scene with McGee and Ziva trapped in the elevator in "Power Down."
    • Tony starts joking about how Gibbs will feel perfectly comfortable during the crisis:
    Tony: You don't need electricity to use hand tools and drink Bourbon.
    (pause as the trapped McGee and Ziva, who can't see Tony at all, exchange knowing looks)
    McGee: He's standing right behind you, isn't he?
    (cut to Tony with Gibbs behind him)
    Tony: (quietly) Yes, he is.
    • "Book 'em, Dan-ozzo."
    • Tony clicking the remote that controls the electronic screen to get McGee to put up the information.
    • Tony, McGee, and Ziva all staring at the copy-making thing (called a "mimeograph," in case anyone's interested) with no idea how to make it work—until Gibbs comes in and calmly shows them how it's done.
    • The gaming nerd calling for his mom.
    • At the end, Gibbs watching his team go to town on their computers now that they have power again for the first time in days, then reaching out and turning his own monitor off with the most smug, self-satisfied expression ever.
  • From the episode with the savant girl who put the military signal in a collage:
    DiNozzo: [staring at the collage in question] It's like one of those hidden eye posters where if you stare at it for long enough it makes a picture...[Gibbs comes in and dope slaps him] That's it! It's out of focus! [camera focuses on his face; his eyes are unfocused] It's dolphins! In moonlight!
    • "Ziva, get on DiNozzo's shoulders."
  • From "Ignition," when Ziva gets frustrated over the Internet:
    Ziva: There is nothing good on the Internet anymore.
    McGee: Yeah, I think that Internet thing has just about run its course.
    Ziva: Pop-up ads, banner ads, video ads...I think this whole page may be an ad.
    McGee: An ad for what?
    Ziva: Hair-loss pills? This is a pill that makes people lose their hair?
    Tony: It's for growing hair.
    Ziva: Why would I need more hair?
    Tony: Not you. Men.
    Ziva: Like I need more men?
    • Palmer gets to do his first solo autopsy...on a squirrel.
      Palmer: Doctor Mallard, I am suddenly overcome with the desire to share a story of only a peripherally relevant nature.
      Ducky: Hazard of the profession, Mr. Palmer.
    • McGee spends the whole episode McGeeking out over jet-packs. He even shows a video he made under his pen name, Thom E. Gemcity.
    • Tony's imitation of McGee's voice when describing a conversation they had.
  • Tony is absent from a crime scene — so Ducky has to make the obligated movie reference.
  • From "Masquerade":
  • "Jack Knife" had a running gag where McGee keeps trying to catch up to Gibbs, but keeps falling asleep in all the wrong places as a result. But then at the climax he drinks a coffee with lots of sugar and turns into a Motor Mouth.
    • After one such falling-asleep incident, he wakes up to find Tony and Ziva standing in front of him. He (quite justifiably) comes to the conclusion that they did something to him.
      McGee: [looking at cup] Did you try to put my hand in this water?
      Tony: That's a little juvenile.
      McGee: You drew on my face, didn't you? You drew on my face.
      Tony: [with a perfectly deadpan expression] No. I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to Autopsy so that when you woke up you'd think you were dead. [beat] But Ziva thought it was in poor taste.
    • If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the soundtrack plays an off-kilter version of Brahms' Lullaby whenever McGee nods off.
    • Earlier in the episode, a sleep deprived McGee interprets an Accidental Innuendo out of a Gibbs request.
      Gibbs: Get Ziva and Dinozzo out of bed.
      McGee: What?!
      Gibbs: Wake 'em up.
      McGee: Right, um get them out of bed, because it's the middle of the night and they're asleep.
      Gibbs (annoyed): Yes.
      McGee: Individual beds. Get them out of individual beds. I was confused. I thought we were talking—
      Gibbs: Need some sleep yourself, do you, McGee?
  • The entirety of Tony and McGee's Break-Up/Make-Up Scenario subplot in "Guilty Pleasure". Bonus points for just dripping with Ho Yay.
  • After Abby has spent most of the episode drinking highly caffeinated drinks:
    Abby: Abby has to pee. [runs out of room]
  • Palmer mentions that whenever he is around sand, he gets a psychosomatic itch. He explains it's from when he played in sand that was going to be used for cement as a child, making him break out in welts.
    Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
    Palmer: Sand might what?
    Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
    Palmer: Sand bites?
    Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
    Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
    • And then he gets even worse welts on his back from a henna tattoo. And then begs either Tony or Ziva to rub lotion on his back while they make themselves scarce. And he chases them into the elevator still begging and them still refusing.
  • "Moonlighting" has Gibbs' first and only polygraph. The idea is amusing enough, but two words seal the deal: "sphincter sensor." It's impossible to tell if it's Fornell or his actor who's Corpsing.
    • And in response to Fornell's giggling, the test administrator admonishes him:
    "We don't want to make the testee nervous"
    • At which point both Fornell and Vance (or their actors) can barely keep it together. How Mark Harmon managed not to lose it is a mystery.
  • "Borderland": Abby performing a forensic Sherlock Scan on a bitchy policewoman...
    Abby: One orange tabby and two calicos. You're allergic to citrus. You went bowling last night, you're Vitamin D deficient. Oh, and you're ovulating. [class laughs]
    • From earlier in the episode, Tony random-chatting with pretty girls, only to be quickly rejected each time. He tries to make things interesting with gag glasses/nose—just as Gibbs walks in.
    Season 8 
  • "Worst Nightmare":
    • Tony describes Gibbs' tendency to pull Right Behind Mes to the college interns that are shadowing the team for a week, just as Gibbs does exactly that to him.
    Tony: See, I'm not gonna answer that question, because if I do, he's gonna walk up and stand right behind me and make me regret it, because that's the way he works. He slithers through the grass like a snake. He's not friendly. He's oily—
    [Gibbs Slap]
    Gibbs: Done, DiNozzo?
    Abby: Also, you are not to touch my computer, my lab equipment, my MP3 player, my Caf-Pow!, my desk, or Burt, my farting hippo without my express written consent.
    Intern: Well, how am I going to do anything?
    Abby: And there's no cameras or flash photography.
    Intern: Oh, I don't have a camera.
    Abby: And if I accidentally turn my back to you, you're to immediately move back into my eyeline.
    Intern: Why don't I just wear bells?
    Abby: [cocks head and eyes widen] That's a really good idea. [starts rummaging around] I mean, I'm sorry about this. I mean, Darren worked out, but I just had problems with people that have been assigned to my lab. [holds out collar of bells] It'll just be better this way.
    • Gibbs gets annoyed by the sound of the bells and levels his classic Death Glare at the guy. . .and he doesn't even flinch, telling him, "She scares me way more than you do." Paired with "Awesome" when you consider how many hard core criminals have wilted under that look, yet this wimpy guy isn't phased in the slightest.
  • Gibbs delivers a Gibbs-smack to a cardboard cutout of Tony. Real-Tony flinches as if struck.
  • From "Royals And Loyals"
    • Tony makes to give McGee a smack, but he ducks — and then Gibbs smacks Tony.
    • On the Royal Navy ship that keeps trying to leave while the team is investigating a murder on board, Ziva and Tony are being escorted off when sirens start going off to signal some kind of engineering problem and delay the ship's departure until everything's checked. And then Gibbs pops out of a door holding a massive wrench...
    • After Gibbs provides the aforementioned delay:
      Ziva: What did Gibbs say we were looking for again?
      Tony: Pixie dust.
      Ziva: We are looking for drugs now?
    • Ziva's new security system on her computer — when Tony tries and fails to get into her email, the video camera records him and alarm bells begin to blare at top volume.
  • From "Dead Air," after a bomb that was hidden in a barbecue grill at a softball game has exploded, and, in the process of ducking for cover, Ziva has rolled on top of Tony.
    Tony: I miss the old Ziva.
    Ziva: I can tell.
    Tony: Don't flatter yourself. That's my knee.
    • Tony trying to interrogate an explosives dealer while his own voice was giving out, talking while on helium level of funny. He actually has to call Gibbs to stand in for him.
    • Shortly thereafter, Ducky examines Tony and says that Tony should be just fine... provided that he refrain from talking for 24 hours. Then Ziva and Ducky have waaayyyyy too much fun trolling Tony over this.
  • From "Cracked":
    • It Makes Sense in Context, we swear. Sort of.
      Tony: No, Boss, I'm sure you would never wear a leotard. But if you did, you could pull it off.
    • Role-play.
    • Tony's new flame is named Ethel, a name so old-fashioned and bland it screams "granny". Ziva and McGee go to town on that one. Especially their curmudgeonly first impressions of her:
    McGee: "I've fallen and I can't get up?"
  • In "Enemies Foreign", we get Tony (of course) being attracted to a female Mossad agent and trying to find out if she's available.
    Tony: How long have you and Liat been together — as partners? You must be her first. [beat] Partner, I mean.
    [Tony doesn't seem all that bothered about masking the innuendo and Malachi gives him a look that clearly states he knows what they're talking about]
    Malachi: She is young. When she lacks experience she makes up for with a passion I have never seen.
    Tony: [smiling] Am I...sensing something between the two of you?
    Malachi: [same little smile] Nothing serious.
    Tony: You haven't slept together, then.
    Malachi: No, of course we are sleeping together, it's just nothing serious.
  • From "Enemies Domestic": The flashback to 1999 of Vance talking about getting the office's computers ready for Y2K.
    • In the same episode, Eli David tells a bit of his history, including building a particular bomb.
      Abby: He knew how to do it. He just confessed to knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, come on. How many people know how to build a homemade claymore mine?
      Malachi: In this room?
      [Malachi, Liat and Ziva raise their hands]
      Abby: Okay. [raises hand] Fine.
    • Gibbs somehow getting a knife past hospital security.
  • From "False Witness":
    • The NWTFDNAD: National Wild Turkey Federation DNA Database.
      Abby: They really need a new acronym.
    • Gibbs' reaction to the fact that there actually is a database for turkey DNA.
    • The witness in the murder case managing to effortlessly see/deduce deep psychological traits in the team members, and thoroughly pissing off/disturbing them in a casual conversation. The best part is how he doesn't seem to know (or care) that he's doing it. At the end of the episode, Ziva and McGee come across Palmer sobbing to himself in a corner.
      McGee: Palmer, what's wrong?
      Palmer: [points toward witness] Jerry...
      McGee: Ah. [they walk on] Told him not to talk to him.
  • When Abby is surrounded by at least seven empty Caf-Pow! bottles:
    Borin: Wow, Abby. Is this a record?
    Abby: No, we don't talk about the record. It got ugly.
  • "Recruited" We'd expect nothing less from Tony, as they're going to a high school, to start singing "The Wheels On The Bus". But for Gibbs to join in...
    • (It gets even funnier if you note the inflection. Tony's doing it in his typical goofy manner, while Gibbs is of course, deadly serious.)
  • "Freedom":
    • Tony, Ziva and McGee's expressions as McGee opens a mystery package on his desk — and a hula girl balloon inflates out of it. Then Gibbs comes by and tells McGee to deflate his girlfriend.
    • Palmer, who seems to be picking up Ducky's propensity for talking about incidents only vaguely related to the matter at hand.
      Palmer: [looking at a body in a bush] Guess I'm not the only one who kills plants. Back in college my friends used to call me 'Black Thumb'. They still do, actually. But now it's because I work with dead people... [notices looks from team] So not important.
    • When McGee worries about an identity thief, he starts wondering - only half-jokingly - if he'll have to change his name. Tony's face lights up, and McGee's face is a combination of Oh, Crap!, This Is Gonna Suck, and Implied Facepalm all rolled into one. He tries to prevent what's coming... and Tony starts rattling off a stream of McNicknames, Ziva holds back a laugh, and McGee resigns himself to it, clearly thinking, "I should've seen this coming."
    • The Reveal of who stole McGee's identity — a twelve-year-old version of Tony.
  • Tony imitating a horse dance in "A Man Walks Into a Bar...". While the doctor who will do his psych evaluation is right behind him. Vance witnesses the whole thing and McGee tells him to stop imitating a jackass... in other words, quit imitating his usual self. And as Tony heads out with Gibbs and co to investigate a murder, Vance gives him the stinkeye.
  • In "Defiance", Tony has his eyes on the pretty young woman they're protecting—except that she's got her eyes on McGee.
  • From "Kill Screen", an episode about PC games (subgenre zombie-shooter):
    Ducky: I'm not sure I follow. You kill the zombie...
    Palmer: And then, you kill their brains.
    Ducky: Wouldn't hypovolemic shock render the second step unnecessary?
    Palmer: No, no, no, because when you shoot a zombie in the head, sometimes the brains sneak out through the hole. And then, you have to kill that separately.
    Ducky: I see. I think.
    • Gibbs smacking, then hitting his computer monitor with a baseball bat to 'fix' his computer while McGee tries to fix it.
    • Gibbs is in front of the computer that is trying to bring down the Pentagon's firewalls, and McGee tells him he will have to use the command console. Gibbs decides to Cut The Knot and shoot the computer. He then says "Game Over" in a hilarious tone. Which is multiplied when another screen starts working again and Gibbs shoots it.
    • Palmer noting that a purse is a knockoff and going into great detail about it. It earns him the typical "looks" from the rest of the team, although Tony undercuts it by not only sincerely thanking him for providing them with what could be relevant information, he actually seems genuinely impressed.
  • Near the end of "One Last Score", Tony is looking over the partition at EJ's workspace and remarking to Gibbs that apparently EJ likes to shower before she goes home.note  His daydreaming earns him a Gibbs slap... which he doesn't even notice.
    Gibbs: Hey! Did you hear me!?
    • In the same episode, McGee's presentation that is delivered entirely in Writer Speak.
  • In "Two-Faced", the team is yet again discussing Ziva's offscreen boyfriend Ray. Tony, of course, keeps prying for more details.
    Ziva: I'm not hiding anything. Ray knows all about you.
    Tony: Again: Why haven't we met him?
    Ziva: Because Ray knows all about you.
  • When McGee is complaining about Barret's team, and asks Tony if it bothers him.
    Tony: My life was a lot simpler before she got here.
    McGee: How so?
    Tony: Eh, Gibbs is giving me grief about sleeping with her.
    McGee: You're sleeping with Special Agent Barret?!
    Tony: Catch up, Tim. Whole Navy yard knows about it.
    [leaves McGee behind with a dumbfounded look on his face]
  • Tony's first flashback to his days as a cop in "Baltimore."
    Tony: Friday is crazed-PCP-addict night, Saturday is hooker night! Where are the hookers? [sees a couple of said "ladies" being escorted into the squadroom] I mean, call girls. Hello, Sapphire.
    Season 9 
  • The gang (except for Gibbs) check a surveillance footage of Tony in "Nature of the Beast" when McGee suggests that Tony's secret mission is to kill Johnny Depp, who Ziva likes as her favorite actor.
  • "Restless":
    • Ziva and McGee notice Tony's been moping, so they each decide to get him presents to cheer him up. Ziva gets him two tickets to see female mudwrestling. McGee does the same.
    • McGee and Ziva are following a blood trail to see where the victim was stabbed. They come near the end and see a cell phone — which is promptly eaten up by a street sweeper truck.
    • Palmer mentioning that he was elected Homecoming King — due to the fact that the other eleven students in his class were girls.
  • From "The Penelope Papers"
    • Palmer is being overwhelmed with his wedding preparations and asking for advice.
      Palmer: What do I do?
      Gibbs: Give her what she wants.
      Palmer: I have no idea what that is.
      Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life, Jim-boy.
    • Despite McGee's justifiable dismay at his grandmother being involved in a case, this snippet deserves mention.
      McGee: She's lying.
      Tony: Some grandson you are.
    • Red pumps. Especially McGee's face when he realizes Tony and Ziva know about it.
  • "Enemy On The Hill":
    • A possible target for assassination finds the idea that someone wants to kill him ludicrous, and brushes off Gibb's advice to move to a safehouse. He even declines the offer of an agent simply guarding him — until he notices Ziva and, apparently rethinking the notion, asks who would be guarding him.
    • Tony measuring a wall, using himself as a ruler.
      Sportelli: [seeing Tony placing himself flush to the wall with arms outstretched] What is DiNozzo doing?
      Gibbs: I don't know.
    • A great nonverbal one: Much to Tony's delight, the lawyer he and McGee are visiting turns out to be female. He comes around to her left, and while she talks to McGee leans back a bit to check her out. He then excitedly motions to McGee that there's no ring on her finger.
  • "Safe Harbor":
    • Agent Borin shows up again, and Tony expresses the belief that she and Gibbs would be perfect for each other. Overhearing, Borin comments that she doesn't think the same. Tony needles her to have one of his steaks grilled over the fireplace while watching black-and-white tv, which admittedly sounds like something Gibbs would do. She dryly declines, whereupon Tony says it's more charming than you'd think. Leading to the inference that Tony and Gibbs have done that before.
    • When Vance catches Tony bending over and Borin intently scrutinizing his behind.
      Vance: Special Agents Borin and DiNozzo. (everyone freezes) Please stop doing whatever it is you're doing.
    • We are also given this gem, while in the middle of the squadroom:
      Abby: Tony, take your pants off.
      Tony: What?
      Abby: Just take your pants off. Now.
  • "Devil's Triangle":
    • Finding out that Tony is so vain that he counts the hairs in his shower drain to make sure he's not going bald. And he's been doing it for a long time.
      Ziva: Every day?
      McGee: For the past twelve years?
      Tony: You say that like it's not normal.
    • Ziva immediately ridicules Tony (and McGee, once Tony infects him with worry about hair loss) about their concerns being petty, and mentions it's not like they're going grey. No points for guessing who's behind her.
      Tony: I'm so glad that wasn't me.
      • Her attempt to recover from that is also pretty hilarious:
        Ziva: Gray can be really sexy.
    • When Gibbs' and Fornell's ex-wife is asking for their help, we get this.
      Diane: Look, I know there's no love lost between us...
      Fornell: Well, that's not -
      Diane: Zip it, you.
    • Not ten seconds later, Gibbs hold up a finger, puts a hand on the doorknob — and opens it to reveal Tony, McGee and Ziva huddled up against it.
  • Tony's "Bucket List", including such items as "Date a Bond Girl and/or Miss Universe", "Develop a Catchphrase" (if "On it, Boss!" doesn't count already), " Ride a Ferris wheel naked" (which, apparently, he's done) "Experience a Wonder of the World (besides Gibbs), "Find Jimmy Hoffa, damnit" and "Tell Dad it's okay".
  • Tony's ultimate fear — toddlers.
  • "Sins Of The Father":
    • Tony's dad is a susect in a murder case. Obviously, Tony is banned from the case. However, he wants to talk to him. How does he get past the agent guarding him? First, bribery with cake. Then reasoning. Then:
      Tony: Well, then, I guess I'd have to tell [Gibbs] about your little antics at the Halloween party last month with Susan Grady from Polygraph, down in the copy room? Huh? She was dressed as a nun, and you were dressed as — Leroy Jethro Gibbs, with a little silver wig?
      Dorneget: Nobody knew about that.
      Tony: I know.
    • Somewhat odd when we get a certain confession a few episodes later. What, exactly, did those two do?
    • Later, Tony wants information on the case from McGee. He tries intimidation, then, when that fails, snatches the file from McGee's hands and fends off his attempts to get it back while reading it. Many a viewer had flashbacks to holding something above their sibling's heads so they couldn't reach it.
    • Gibbs' advice on how to handle DiNozzo Senior.
      Gibbs: If he gives you any trouble, shoot him.
      Dorneget: He's joking. [beat] I think.
    • Comes back for a Brick Joke.
      Tony: Where's my dad?
      Gibbs: The morgue.
      Tony: You shot him.
  • In the Christmas Episode "Newborn King", the entire cookie interrogation scene. It works, and their suspect eventually crushes a cookie in his fist out of frustration.
    Tim: [sadly] Aw, not the frosted cut-outs...
    • In the same episode, when Lt. Reynolds goes into labor, she manages to keep a positive attitude via the power of snark:
      Lt. Reynolds: My water just broke. I'm going into labour. ... Oorah?
    • Gibbs, a former US Marine sniper and experienced federal agent, looking absolutely terrified at having to deliver a baby. He gets over it immediately and does his job, but the split-second Oh, Crap! look is priceless.
    • Palmer's father-in-law-to-be annoys Abby, so she puts him and Palmer in time-out. As in, she locks them in the back half of her lab for who knows how long.
  • In Life Before His Eyes, if you look at the foreground carefully, you can see Ari and Leon Vance playing chess.
  • McGee is thrown by Tony acting mature and supporting for once.
    McGee: Your sincerity is disconcerting.
    Tony: You prefer I'd attack you with some sort of sarcastic, hostile remark?
    McGee: Sort of, yeah.
  • "Secrets":
    • It finally happens — Ziva gets a speeding ticket. For going eighty in a forty. It's also tempting to call the cop who was unfortunate enough to pull her over to have had a Moment of Awesome for pulling her over and surviving.
    • After a head-smack to Tony...
      Ziva: Do you ever think he actually LIKES being smacked in the head?
      McGee: I try not to think about it.
    • Upon finding out that Gibbs and a female reporter know each other:
      Vance: Oh, please tell me that you weren't married.
      • They weren't — but Tony and her almost were.
  • McGee's blithe signing of a form — with a dead-on forgery of Tony's signature. While Tony is right in front of him. Tony is not happy to find out he's apparently been doing it for years.
    Dorneget: I don't know if I can use this...
  • Ducky meeting Dr. Ryan, and immediately being enamored with her. Gibbs' reaction may actually constitute as jealous!
  • In "Rekindled", a mood change occurs when Tony was the only agent ordering pizza for everybody in the bullpen while the others were taking security calls. Then it turns out that Gibbs regards Tony's call as equally important to the others'.
    • Abby watching Mythbusters for research.note 
      Gibbs: Pyromaniacs.
      Abby: Scientists. Well, yeah, and pyromaniacs.
  • Palmer is desperate to learn what Abby has planned for the bachelor party. Noodle Implements abound, and her chosen party outfit is something along the lines of a skeletal circus ringmaster frenchman with a cattle prod and handcuffs.
  • At the end of "Engaged, Part 2", Vance tells Gibbs to "take a vacation​, do something fun". Gibbs reacts as if he literally has no idea what those words mean.
    Season 10 
  • In "Recovery," Tony and Ziva interrogate a bigoted, misogynistic witness about a missing NCIS worker; he'd been interviewed for a job at NCIS shortly before she disappeared. He insults Ziva early on, and Tony jumps to her defense. Then:
    Witness: Wow. Talk about de ja vu. It's like the same interview, right down to the whipped boyfriend.
    Tony: [frowns] Whipped?
    Ziva: Boyfriend?
  • "Phoenix":
    • Tony, McGee and Ziva...asking...Palmer for information on why Ducky exhumed a body.
      Ziva: [cracks knuckles] Close the blinds.
    • Abby's frustration when she accidentally set off ear-shattering Klaxon alarms that could be heard from Autopsy.
      Abby: I don't know if you noticed, but my radiation alarms went off.
      Gibbs: Abbs, the dead guys in autopsy noticed.
    • A suspect's first words upon seeing the team in his house pointing guns at him:
      Suspect: Not this again! Bloody hell!
  • Ziva tells Agent Borin that Tony and McGee can't come to take drinks 'cause they'll play with themselves and later, with each other. That doesn't go so well with the two.
  • "Namesake":
    • Finding out that Jimmy and Breena had their first fight because she asked him what he thought of her new hairstyle, and he was honest.
      Palmer: What do you think I should do?
      Ducky: I am the worst person to ask about marital advice.
      Gibbs: [walking in] No, I am.
    • The obnoxious owner of the Ferrari, who clashes with Abby.
      Abby: He wears $3,000 Italian sunglasses and has Justin Bieber on his hard drive; can't we arrest him for that?
    • In a move similar to the one he pulled in "Sins Of The Father", Tony steals McGee's food and frantically eats it as McGee tries to get it back. Ziva doesn't even blink and just keeps working.
  • Ziva and McGee playing with Tony's boarding school picture.
    Tony: I'll have you know, that was a very cool look in the day -
    McGee: Yeah, for a Bible salesman.
  • "Gone":
    • The entire conversation about Ziva's friend Shmeil in the beginning. And when he shows up at the end.
    • Gibbs confronting a suspect, who proceeds to spit on his boot. Gibbs punches him in the face (one gets the feeling more out of the guy preying on teenaged girls than the spitting)
      McGee: [running up] Boss, I thought you said you'd wait for me.
      Gibbs: Yeah. I tried. [hands McGee the cuffs with a "what can you do" shrug]
    • Tony attempting to impersonate Ducky over the phone. He does laughably bad, earning him a Dope Slap from Ducky.
      Ducky: I do not say 'cheerio'.
    • Abby knocks out an attacker who had been struggling with Ziva with a frying pan, immediately remarking upon the cliche.
      Ziva: Works for me.
  • "Devil's Trifecta":
    • When Gibbs finds out in the beginning that Fornell survived his shooting because he was too tired to take off his bulletproof vest from work.
      Gibbs: Not too tired to shoot back.
      Fornell: He ruined my favorite jacket. I'd have shot my own mother.
    • EVERYTHING concerning Fornell and Gibbs' interaction with their ex-wife, Diane. EVERYTHING. Upon finding out she was doing something that required the use of aliases, Fornell remarks:
      Fornell: More likely she finally hired that hitman she's been talking about for years to take me out.
      [Everyone looks at him]
      Fornell: [chuckles] No! No...[beat, looks slightly worried] But we should put a pin in that.
    • The looks on Gibbs' and Fornell's faces when they find out that Diane is now a federal IRS agent with a badge. Followed by the looks on all three of their faces when Vance announces that the three will be working jointly on the investigation. Especially Gibbs, whose eyes narrow into the dirtiest look he has ever given to Vance.
      • Vance being Vance, he isn't phased in the slightest.
    • To keep Diane safe, Gibbs and Fornell have her stay over at McGee's. There, they have an argument which ends with them sharing an awkward hug and falling asleep on the couch. As if that weren't hilarious enough, Gibbs and Fornell find them like that in the morning.
      Fornell: Holy f—Fourth of July weenie roast! What the hell am I looking at?
      McGee: Boss, this is not what it looks like!
      Gibbs: What does it look like?
      Diane: We were talking and we fell asleep on the couch.
      Fornell: Intertwined like horny rabbits!
    • Of course, the team teases McGee for this. But for Gibbs and Fornell, the NCIS agent has been warned that the two men have the "propensity for violence."
    • Ziva's response to what Abby finds when dissecting evidence. Imagine Ziva's lines below said in a perfectly deadpan voice.
      Ziva: Is that a cell phone?
      Abby: Yup!
      Ziva: There is a cell phone inside the fish?
    • After the case is closed, Vance comments that it worked out so well, he's thinking of having the trio as a permanent team whenever the three agencies need to work together. All three of them flee the office before he can finish making the offer.
  • "You Better Watch Out":
    • Tony's visible panic when his dad says he'll be staying at his place for Christmas.
    • Finding out Tony talks to his goldfish (who is named Kate)
      Tony: [dropping some fish food in] You hungry? There you go. There's some treats, that's my good girl. Heh heh, you're gettin' fat. [remembers his dad is there and straightens awkwardly] My goldfish.
    • McGee cracking Tony's back for him. Honestly, if you just listened to the audio, it would sound like a rather different situation...
    • McGee's college friend Stewie, a Keet who's cheerfully happy to be working in a landfill instead of teaching computational evolutionary biology at a university. He reveals some prime dirt on McGee, making Tony ecstatic.
      Stewie: Did he tell you he was the school mascot?
      Tony: No. What was the MIT mascot?
      McGee: Really doesn't matter.
      Tony: Oh, yes it does. Stewie?
      Stewie: A beaver! He was 'Tim the beaver' our senior year.
      Tony: Please tell me you dressed up like a beaver.
      Stewie: Of course he did!
  • From the otherwise dark Tear Jerker two-parter "Shabat Shalom"/"Shiva":
    • McGee is in MTAC, talking to a very attractive Israeli agent named Gavriela, who spends the whole conversation flirting with "Timmy." When Tony tries getting in on the sweet talk, what does she say? "Oh, hello, Special Agent DiNozzo." And goes right back to flirting with McGee. The look on Tony's face...
    • Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar storms into NCIS and begins making demands.
      Bodnar: I want answers!
      Ducky: Take a number.
      Bodnar: Excuse me? And whose grandfather would you be?
      Ducky: That depends. Who's your grandmother?
  • From "Canary".
    Kev: [shouting angrily in Arabic]
    Tony: You can stop the act now, Kev.
    Kev: I only said "How was that for improv?"
    • Earlier, there's Ziva and Tony's bickering about their undercover roles.
      Ziva: Next time, you can wear the heels!
      Tony: Okay!
  • "Detour"
    • How do Ducky and Jimmy determine who will drive the van on the way back to NCIS from a crime scene? They flip a finger bone.
    • Jimmy telling Ducky that he wants to dissect his brain after the older M.E. has passed away.
    • Gibbs walks into the empty autopsy room with his signature, "Duck, talk to me" and it takes a second for him to realize he's talking to himself.
    • Ducky asks one of the kidnappers if he could please stop pointing his gun at his back. He responds by pointing it at Jimmy's back.
      Ducky: My bad.
    • Gibbs' thoroughly annoyed "Geez" when he realizes that their prime suspect is not only innocent, but has an utterly mundane and legitimate excuse for his presence at the crime scene.
    • When on the run in the middle of the woods at night being chased by angry terrorists with guns:
      Jimmy: Oh my God!
      Ducky: What?!
      Jimmy: I just realized that I missed my nine-month wedding anniversary. Breena is going to kill me!
      Ducky: ...You do know I have a heart condition.
  • "Seek" has a really funny one involving Dobermans and their owner who mistook Tony and Tim for people from the bank (Pitt was late on a loan payment).
    Pitt: You boys have four seconds.
    Tony: Excuse me. Four seconds for what?
    Tim: [after sporting a brief Oh, Crap! expression] Tony, RUN!!
    [cue dogs chasing down the agents, Tim locking himself in the car, Tony leaping onto the roof of the car and in through the sunroof headfirst]

    Tony: Way to be a team player, McGee!
    Tim: I'm sorry! I panicked, okay?
    • Tony even squeezes in a Magnum P.I. reference during the dog chase!
    • Vance is interviewing prospective nannies for his kids. One is a woman with a British accent carrying an umbrella. And blonde. Who plans on singing with them.
    • Gibbs is musing about the evidence in the case. The camera pans over to reveal that he's addressing...Dex, the bomb-sniffing dog, whose expression indicates that he's genuinely listening.
      Gibbs: Why am I telling you this?
      [Dex cocks his head and whines like he wants to answer him]
  • In "Damned If You Do", McGee has just engaged in epic hackage, part of which involved cozying up the a "DOD beauty" name of Delilah.
    Tony: So proud of you. [hugs McGee and kisses him on top of the head]
    McGee: Please don't do that, ever again.
    • Abby playing a shooting game with Parsons as the target.
    • Despite the circumstances, it's greatly amusing to see the entire cast except Gibbs stuffed into the elevator that is often referred to as Gibbs's office. Abby suggests regular elevator meetings from now on.
    Season 11 
  • "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot": Upon being confronted with a now on-their-side Parsons, McGee and Tony both say "I want my badge back" in unison, with the exact same inflection, while giving him matching Death Glares.
  • "Past, Present and Future": Tony shows the team Ziva's list of childhood aspirations through MTAC. McGee's comment: "I will be a ballerina? Shouldn't that say ninja or something?"
  • "Under The Radar": McGee lost his ID badge, and there's a cop who is actually giving their IDs a thorough examination at the crime scene. His solution? Grab everything he can carry in both hands, stuff a pad in his mouth, and make various muffled noises. The cop lets him through.
  • Eleanor Bishop joins Gibbs' team and DiNozzo and McGee proceed to show her what it means to be a probie.
  • Tony in the beginning of "Gut Check". He's all alone in the squadroom, so he tries to make conversation with a random coworker. First he tries a Not Listening to Me, Are You? move, then when she finally starts talking to him he tries to get her to give him 'a jibe, a scoff, a little stinkeye'. When Gibbs finally comes in and scoffs, Tony turns to the coworker with a big smile and says "See?"
  • Tony again in "Monsters and Men" when Gibbs caught one of Parsa's men in an airport.
    Tony: Okay, let this be a lesson to everyone here. When we say no liquids past this point, we mean it!
  • Before that, Tony and McGee are coming off a tense encounter with Vance while trying to avoid Gibbs.
    Vance: Do I look like Dr. Phil to you, Agent DiNozzo? (It Makes Sense in Context)
    Tony: You've got the mustache.
    Vance: (Death Glare)
    Tony: Just getting back to work, sir.
    Vance: (leaves)
    Tony: You can unclench now, Tim, we're in the clear.
    [McGee and Tony sense someone right behind them and slowly turn around. It is, of course, Gibbs]
    McGee: Hey boss.
  • "Devil's Triad":
    • Diane bursts into the NCIS conference room to confront Gibbs (1st husband), Fornell (2nd husband and current lover), and Eddie (most recent ex and undercover Secret Service agent) only for all three men to turn it around on her before she can collect herself and dominate the room like she usually does.
    Eddie: Hello, Diane. Oh, I heard we broke up. Sorry about that. Oh! And I'm a Secret Service agent.
    Diane: I heard. What's with the attitude?
    Eddie: I don't know? Maybe it's because you were sleeping with your ex-husband while we were dating.
    Fornell: Hey! [beat] The man has a point.
    Diane: Oh! So you guys are buddies now?
    Gibbs: Yeah. We're thinking about starting a club.
    Diane: Yeah? Well watch it, boys. I know something about each and everyone of you that you don't want anyone to know. And I've got a Twitter account!
    • Gibbs seems almost smug in this scene, finally being able to be the one to gang up on an ex rather than being the one ganged up on.
    • "Devil's Triad" is full of hilarious moments, everything from Fornell and Diane trying to use Gibbs as a relationship sounding board (and Gibbs' predictable lack of desire to be used as one—to the point where he tries to run out of his own house when they both show up seeking his blessing) to Fornell's and Diane's daughter's reaction (and how she knew) to Fornell's reaction to the possibility that her ex was a serial killer.
      • Emily Fornell's attitude is what makes it all. First she shows up in Gibbs's house, telling him she won't live with either of them if they get back together, then, after seeing them at NCIS HQ, she looks to Gibbs and requests asylum.
      • It turns out that she found out about the two of them trying to get back together again because she put a keystroke logger on both of their Facebook accounts.
    Fornell: You need a warrant to do that!
    • Abby excitedly comes rushing into the bullpen, telling Gibbs about the extremely kinky text conversations that she found on Eddie's phone between him and Diane... and she doesn't realize that the two of them and their daughter are there until it's too late. Then Fornell rushes to the lab to look at them, Diane rushes after him to prevent him from doing so, and Abby rushes after them to save her computers from potentially being destroyed.
      Abby: Don't you touch my babies!
      • Made all the better by Gibbs and Bishop quietly watching what's going on. Bishop's face says, "Okay, does this happen all the time around here??" while Gibbs's face says, "Nope, I'm not getting in the middle."
    • Gibbs gets so tired of interruptions from Fornell, his ex-wife, and a babbling Bishop that he shuts Bishop up with a glare, while taking the lid off his coffee cup and chucking his phone in it. Then he very calmly asks for more information while the phone sizzles in the cup.
  • In "Bulletproof", Abby sets up her lab to look like a schoolroom, dresses as a schoolteacher, and gives the representative of an weapons company who had made defective body armor a timeout.
  • Tony making fun of McGee playing the role of a homeless man in "Shooter" by making him smell bad (with bottled cat urine) to the point of using it whenever McGee tells Tony to stop making fun of him.
  • "Crescent City: Part 1":
    • As Gibbs and Pride confront a suspect, he makes several rude, snide comments about the victim, angering Pride, who deeply respected him.
      Pride: Uh, Gibbs...
      Gibbs: Oh, yeah. I know. Making room.[steps back]
      Pride: [to suspect] I think you're being a little disrespectful.
      Suspect: I think he (the victim) deserved it.
      Pride: [grabs ahold of him]
      Gibbs: [cringes] Uh oh.
      Pride: [throws the man over the hood of a nearby parked car]
    • Later, in interrogation, they unnerve the guy by completely ignoring him and playing Go Fish.
    • Pride and Gibbs bickering over who came up with the elevator trick:
      Gibbs: [stops the elevator]
      Pride: You stole that move from me! I used to be the one who stopped elevators!
      Gibbs: Stole, my ass!
      Pride: I'm honored!
  • "Crescent City, Part 2"
    • Agent LaSalle is enjoying a cup of coffee at a local bar when a kid tries to rob the place.
    LaSalle: "Federal agent (pulls back his jacket to reveal his badge and gun) Put down the gun." (continues to sip his coffee without even looking up)
    Kid: (scoffs) "You Wouldn't Shoot Me" (reaches for the money)
    LaSalle: (disarms him in two seconds and pins him to the wall) "I didn't shoot, but I should take a belt to your punk-ass."
  • In Episode 20 "Page Not Found" Tony gets away from McGee to take a call in private, hiding in a closet. He turns on the light to find...himself. Specifically, the cardboard cutout of him from season 8.
    Tony: Who put you in here?
    Delilah: You alone?
    Tony: [eyes the cutout] In my own way.
    • Tony being asked who he was talking to when discovered in the closet, then saying he was having a conversation with himself (cardboard Tony).
  • "Kill Chain"
    • When Hollis Mann shows up:
    Vance: It's not another one of your ex-wives, is it?
    Gibbs: (ruefully) Close enough.
    • As she and Gibbs bicker over who should lead the investigation:
    Gibbs: Hollis, my boss is right here. (points to Vance)
    Vance: Leave me out of this.
    (bickering continues)
    Vance: Are you sure she's not an ex-wife, Gibbs?
    • Upon hearing that Mann has returned, Tony says, "Let's do the thing", at which point, Tim pulls up the screen with all the details of Gibbs' exes.
    • Later, in Abby's lab:
    Abby: Hey, Gibbs! I heard! She's back! Does she look the same? Did you guys get to talk? Was it totally awkward?
    Gibbs: It is now. (steps aside to reveal that of course, Hollis is right behind him)
    Abby: (to Hollis) Oh. . .hey there. . .(to Gibbs) You could have told me!
  • In "The Admiral's Daughter", Abby vents to Gibbs about having to crawl into a septic tank. Gibbs tells her it could have been worse: "I could have to get in there with you,"... and he starts cracking up as he says it. That's right, Gibbs was trolling Abby... with a joke you'd expect DiNozzo to make.
    Season 12 
  • In "The San Dominick", there's a time bomb counting down and the crook has a hostage at gunpoint. Gibbs makes an ultimatum: either the crook puts down the gun and Gibbs defuses the bomb, or Gibbs will shoot him and then defuse the bomb. The crook relents to putting his weapon down...and Gibbs makes no move towards the bomb, as Tony and Borin scream at him to take care of it. Then the timer reaches zero...and Gibbs just holds up a fuse; he'd actually defused it as soon as he found it, before anyone else was there.
  • In "Parental Guidance Suggested", Bishop's attempt at breaking down a door, particularly when they had a master key to open the door.
  • "Grounded":
    • Shortly after meeting Ellie's husband Jake, they and Tony encounter a rude airline passenger:
      Tony: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
      Jake: [makes a face]
      Tony: Your name's Jake. You never heard that?
      Jake: [rolls his eyes, sighs wearily] All my life, Mr. Mulwray.
    • Tony providing Jake and Ellie his analyses of various passengers, both singles and couples. Including "Daddy-Issues Debbie" and "Marty Midlife", who Jake thinks are father and daughter until "Debbie" kisses "Marty's" hand in a clearly romantic way.
      Jake: I stand corrected. And... disturbed.
    • Abby spends the entire episode pestering the crew about making snow angels:
      Palmer: How about you, Agent Gibbs? When's the last time you made a really good snow angel?
      Gibbs: [Death Glare]
      Palmer: Because. . .it''s. . .snowing. . . [nervously clears his throat]
    • Jake and Ellie practically mooning over each other, with him awestruck at her newfound skills—over a dead body.
      McGee: [over the phone] You guys know I'm still here, right?
      • Jake's squeamishness during this scene is pretty amusing to those who remember that his actor, Jamie Bamber, spent several years playing a cop on Law & Order: UK.
    • Tony gets suspicious of a sloppily dressed passenger who doesn't want to go through security again and snatches his hat to search through it. The look he gives him when he finds a stash of marijuana screams Dope Slap.
      Passenger: That's not mine.
      Tony: [throws pot away and flings cap at him] Go get rescreened!
    • As the crew prepares to leave, Abby raises the snow angel issue again. After much deliberation, Gibbs agrees. In true Gibbs fashion, of course:
      "I'll give you one".
      [cue astonished looks from Abby, Ducky, McGee, and Palmer]
  • The MCRT finally upgrades their old CRT monitors with LCD models that were discovered in a storage closet. McGee is none too pleased when he sees the receipt and realizes that the new monitors had been ordered and delivered back in 2007note !!!
  • "Check"
    • Kicks off with Jimmy informing the other agents that Gibbs is off caffeine:
      Jimmy: The guy's scary enough when he's properly medicated. Can't imagine what he'd be like with caffeine withdrawal. Can only imagine someone taking away King Kong's bananas. [laughs, then sees everyone else's Oh, Crap! faces and cringes] I'm not going to turn around.
      Gibbs: Good idea.
    • Gibbs staring at Abby's Caf-POW! with a look that can only be described as yearning.
    • Gibbs has to deal with TWO ex-wives at a crime scene. The rest of the team don't bother hiding their disinterest in investigating the crime and take copious notes as Gibbs tries to get Diane and Rebecca (Ex-wife #2, whom nobody in the team had ever seen or known anything about prior to this) to leave.
    • When they show up, and Gibbs identifies them as his ex-wives, the cop standing outside gives him a look that's a cross between "You have my sympathies" and "Sucks to be you."
    • Gibbs reaction to them, period. Already none too pleased to see Diane, as usual, he looks flat out terrified when Rebecca appears, and even moreso at the realization that the two have become friends.
    • Gibbs is interrogating Rebecca and her fiance/lawyer (who happens to be the man she cheated on Gibbs with) as the entire cast, sans Vance (who's away at a conference) watch from the other side of the mirror, with Jimmy and McGee sharing a box of Milk Duds.
    • Gibbs and Rebecca end up platonically spending the night together and are discovered by McGee and Diane the next morning. Diane proceeds to go into the same spiel Fornell said when he and Gibbs discovered that McGee and Diane spent the night together several seasons previously.
      Diane: Holy Fourth of July weenie roast! What the hell am I looking at?!?!
    • McGee's utter desperation to get out of there is hysterical.
      McGee: Oh, look! There's. . .a cat outside. I think I'll go help it.
    • Gibbs is under orders from his doctor to go three days without any coffee, and is rather obviously suffering from caffeine withdrawal while dealing with the stress of having two of his exes around. Finally during the scene where he interrogates Rebecca, he cracks, grabs her lawyer's (also her fiance and the man she cheated on Gibbs with) coffee, and downs the whole cup in one pull.
      Ducky: There goes the coffee restriction.
  • In "We Build, We Fight", Tony for once not getting a reference, pronouncing a dog's name as Locky, when it was really Loki.
    • Jimmy and Breena finally having their baby makes a humorous and heartwarming subplot in an otherwise serious episode.
    • Tony's baby shower gift to Jimmy and Breena is a basket containing: industrial-grade earplugs, a bottle of wine, and a hundred dollars in cash.
    • Jimmy's preoccupation with Breena and their baby's health has been driving Breena crazy. She begs the team to keep Jimmy busy long enough for her to sneak off for a cheeseburger.
    • When Abby tells Palmer that his wife is going into labor, his brain completely locks up until Gibbs reboots it with a Dope Slap.
      McGee: Think you broke him.
      Abby: What do we do?
      Gibbs: *Whack!*
      Palmer: Baby go-bag! I need my baby go-bag! This is not a drill! Impending father coming through! [runs]
    • In the hospital McGee notes that Jimmy has a broken finger. As it turns out, Breena is one of the few women on whom epidurals have no effect. She dealt with the pain by squeezing Jimmy's hand as hard as possible. And Jimmy notes that she didn't just break one of his fingers, she broke two!
  • In "Cabin Fever", Abby has a moment of Genki Girl self-awareness when she calls the bullpen while Gibbs is away with Fornell.
    "Which one of you wants to be 'Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs'?"
  • Gibbs once did undercover work... as an IT specialist. The team tries to make him reuse his old cover identity, only to run into the fact that all his tech experience was back in the days when DOS was cutting edge.
    • The same episode provides another example of Gibbs' lack of tech-savviness when McGee gets him a new smartphone. One scene transition later, Gibbs has already smashed it.
    • The episode ("Blast From the past") starts with some very Black Comedy when the Victim of the Week is shot as he's driving up to a meet. As he crashes and dies, his GPS navigator tells him "You have reached your final destination." No kidding!
  • In "Patience", Tony and Bishop go undercover as a couple to look at a doctor's computer, at supposedly a pregnancy therapy session, but it turns out to be couple's intimacy therapy instead — their reactions, as well as those of Gibbs and Vance (watching from MTAC) is very funny.
    • Earlier in the episode, McGee and Abby's reactions to finding out Gibbs and Tony had been working a cold case without them knowing — their reaction is like they were cheated on.
  • McGee got chosen to be the new face of NCIS in their recruitment materials, causing Tony to go all Green-Eyed Monster. When Tony finally gets over it at the end, McGee looks at him and says "Happy April Fool's Day". After sputtering over how the whole thing (Including some very realistic looking fake recruitment materials with Tim's image on them) was an elaborate prank until his coworkers are out of earshot, Tony admits to himself that he's proud of how well he was set up.
  • In "Cadence", Jake and Ellie arrive at work in their sweaty gym clothes. When Gibbs announces that they have a case and the team rushes out, with Ellie hurriedly declaring that she'll change in the car:
    Jake: [kisses her goodbye] Good luck. Be careful. [does a Double Take] Wait. You'll what?!
    • Jake ends up stuck having dinner with Gibbs alone (Tony and Ellie can't make it as they're working on the aforementioned case, and Tim chickens out). The next day, Jake reveals that he and Gibbs hit it off, gushing about how "he's so easy to talk to!", earning utterly flabbergasted looks from Tony and Ellie. From then on, Tim and Tony's reactions to their friendship can only be described as jealousy.
  • "Kill The Messenger":
    Francis: Can I ask you something, Bishop? You enjoy working for Gibbs? I mean, I heard he's tough, a real hardass.
    Bishop: Um. . .
    Francis: [realizes] He's standing right behind me, isn't he?
    Bishop: [nods] Yeah.
    Gibbs: [grins] Don't you have somewhere else to be, Francis?
    Francis: [meekly] Yes, sir. [leaves]
    • Snoopy Tony picks up Tim's phone, just as a naked Delilah calls for a video chat. Cue simultaneous shrieks of horror.
    Gibbs: That'll teach you not to answer other people's phones, DiNozzo.
  • In "The Lost Boys", Abby has information for Gibbs but can't deliver it herself, so she has Tony and Ellie do it for her - with a script to read from. It even includes her customary "Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs!" intro, and the part where Gibbs says "Skip to the part I care about" - which, of course, he does.
  • "Troll"
    • Jake returns a tool to Gibbs:
    Jake: 'Thanks. It really helped with our bedroom door. It kept swelling and sticking and jamming."
    Tony: "So many set ups to so many jokes that I can't say out loud."
    • Tony and Tim's visible jealousy over Jake and Gibbs' friendship, to the point of relentlessly pumping Ellie for information like a couple of high school girls.
    Season 13 
  • "Incognito": Ducky on fitness bands.
    Ducky: Thirty years ago, if somebody told me that a device contained in a bracelet could send me an email about my performance in bed, I would have said... [cue Gibbs walking in unseen] what the blazes is an email?
  • In "Double Trouble", Vance asks to ride along with Gibbs on a case. Gibbs agrees more quickly than Vance predicted - and wastes little time in calling him "Probie".
    Ducky: Be Careful What You Wish For, Director.
    • For the rest of the episode, now that Gibbs and Vance are more or less on the same level, they start bickering Like an Old Married Couple.
  • In "Lockdown", Gibbs is going undercover for a supposed deal to sell "one of the deadliest neurotoxins on the planet" to a Latvian crime boss, only to discover that he is selling botox to old women. Cue Gibbs' priceless Oh, Crap! face while he button mashes the panic button to signal his team to rush into the scene as the group of women approaches him like a pack of wolves to a little lamb.
  • Abby's constant over-the-top attempts to butter Gibbs up and beg him to get Accounting to let her switch offices with them. It culminates in Abby giving Gibbs a "field trip permission slip" for him to sign. It's handwritten, and reads, "ABBY'S SOLITARY CONFINEMENT RELEASE FORM -- 21 Oct 2015 -- I as the big cheese/boss/el jefe, hereby give permission to Abby Sciuto to be free on this date of all Earthy (and NCIS related) shackles to visit Celodyne Pharmaceuticals for the expressed reason of seeing the sky and sun at least once this week - and to maximally fulfill her professional crime solving obligations. Time of return: when Abby can stomach the shame of being s subterranean castaway." Drama queen much, Abs?
  • In "Viral", McGee and Delilah are having a lovers' quarrel in the office over what to keep and what to donate/throw out during their move-in together when Tony and Ellie come they start arguing not just in binary but binary shorthand. Only you, McGee...
    Tony: He can't even argue like a cool cyborg.
    • In the same episode, Tony gets a nasty rash from poison oak. McGee, who's has two run-ins with the foul foliage, can't stop snickering.
      McGee: Tony, you were so right. This is so much more fun when you're on the other side of it.
  • In "16 Years", pretty much all of Gibbs's interactions with the Sherlock Consortium.
    • Especially his interactions with Judith McKnight... a Dirty Old Woman with a thing for BDSM who takes a shine to Gibbs. The icing on the cake is Jessica Walter’s gleeful performance. She obviously had the time of her life with this part.
    • Their secret knock is "Shave and a Haircut". Gibbs can't help commenting on this.
    • When Tony gets a splinter in his finger from digging in a tree, Abby helps him get it out - and then recites an apology to the tree. She then makes Tony return the splinter to the tree and recite a similar apology.
    • The whole thing starts after Ellie tempts fate by hoping for a quiet day. McGee and Tony make her break the curse by standing on her desk and loudly praying for a hectic day, much to the applause of the entire bullpen.
  • In "Saviors", Gibbs has been forced to stay at home after fainting in the office and is calling Bishop and Ducky for information on the case. When Ducky urges Gibbs to take a nap, Gibbs's retort is:
  • Day in Court: Even with the heaviness of Bishop learning that Jake cheated on her, the team's reactions run the gamut from heartwarming to mildly chuckle-worthy.
    • Abby's shooting game returns, but this time Parsons' face is replaced with Jake's face.
    • When Bishop returns to the team to work on their case and head out after learning the news:
    Tony: Jake is aware you carry a gun, right?
  • In "Sister Cities," the quoted "break-up bug" that afflicted Jake and Bishop has spread to Tony and Zoe too. Details of how are sketchy— Tony says it was a mature, amicable breakup, but McGee and Team Pride think it wasn't. At all.
    • NCIS New Orleans agent Sonja is looking at photos of Abby and her brother.
      Sonja: Why are they all on Halloween?
      Tony: That's just how she dresses.
    • Abby and Tony are looking for Abby's brother in an amusement park that they had gone to once as children - and absolutely hated. Abby mentioned that Luca didn't speak with their parents for two weeks after they got back.
      Tony: Aren't your parents deaf?
      Abby: Yeah, so he walked around with his hands in his pockets.
    • Director Vance of all people pulling a DiNozzo.
      Vance: I'm thinking we bring in Tony Stark for questioning.
      Gibbs: [stares in stoic confusion]
      Vance: Iron Man? Smug? Tech mogul/ superhero? [beat] My son collects them.
      Gibbs: Guess now I do too.
    • While being interrogated, Luca starts speaking to Abby in sign language. He signs out that there might be a woman involved... unaware that Gibbs knows sign language as well.
      Luca: He knows sign?
      [[Abby and Gibbs both sign out a Blunt "Yes".]]
    • Plus Luca is still in complete denial that his new girlfriend could be evil, despite all the signs.
    • This conversation:
      Luca: You told me the government could track [my phone]. You never told me you could.
      Abby: I am the government.
  • In Deja Vu, there is a massive freeze hitting the DC area combined with serial power outages, so members of the team keep having to crash with their teammates until the heating comes back on. This continues all the through the episode, which ends with the entire team sleeping in Gibbs' living room, because he has a fireplace.
  • The story of McGee's First Kiss: It was allergy season, and he ended up sneezing just before their lips connected. Which meant that he ended up accidentally headbutting the girl, knocking out one of her front teeth.
  • After Hours:
    • Delilah points out that there's a detail that doesn't make sense in the witness accounts of a case the team is investigating, then leaves to go to the bathroom. When she returns, McGee has sculpted their dinner into a reproduction of the crime scene and is picking out more flaws.
    • Later that evening, Tony is serenading his latest girlfriend with "Strangers in the Night". Partway through the second verse he starts seguing into things about the case that don't make sense.
    • As the Plasma isn't currently working, the team improvises with Sticky Notes and stick figures to figure out what actually happened during the shooting. For the woman, Tony draws boobs on that stick figure to distinguish that it's a female. When Delilah and Ellie point out that he could have done long hair or a skirt instead, he draws both of them on the figure... and still leaves the boobs on.
    Tony: Everyone's a critic.
    • Half the episode is the team being unable to let the case go and coming back to solve it in the middle of the night, which results in them closing the case right about the time when they would have been arriving for work normally. And as they're all leaving, Gibbs' phone rings to announce a new incident they have to investigate. Cue the team trying to get the elevator door to close so that they can pretend that they didn't get the call, go home and sleep.
  • Doubles as a Heartwarming Moment, but when Tony has decided who to take on his motorcycle road trip for Italian food in Scope, he chooses Ducky, Palmer and Director Vance. Even funnier and heartwarming since Palmer doesn't have a motorcycle license, so Ducky has him in an old-fashioned sidecar alongside him.
    Vance: [pulls up on a motorcycle next to the others] Gentlemen, let's ride!
  • In Charade, Tony DiNozzo tries the christen the names "USS Peanut" and "USS Brett Favre" on an aircraft carrier. Needless to say, the other guys weren't amused. At all.
    McGee: Whatever comes to your head first. Don't even think about it. Just whatever comes to your head first. What is it?
    Tony: Peanut.
    McGee: What's the second thing that pops in your head?
    Tony: Brett Favre.
    McGee: Okay, does this look like the USS Peanut to you? The USS Brett Favre?
  • During Return to Sender, Tim and Tony pay a visit to Abby's lab and see a coffin propped up against the wall. There stare at it for a while, until Abby shows up behind them and asks if they expected her to be in it. She then admits that she had gone into it earlier, but it wasn't very comfortable.
  • For an otherwise depressing episode, there's a certain funny moment in "Family First", when Gibbs's therapist uses a feelings wheel to gauge his present emotions.
    • On the Fornells' side of things, we also have Emily subjecting her unconscious father to a pedicure, with help from said therapist. When Fornell wakes up, his reaction and Gibbs' easy explanation is priceless.
      Fornell: [notices his watermelon-painted toes] What the...?
      Gibbs: Em.
  • After 13 seasons, we finally get an explanation for Gibbs' copious Right Behind Me moments when when McGee and DiNozzo are standing in a corner, discussing Bishop's marriage, assuming she can't hear them because they're too far away, only for her to reveal that she can, because their voices are reverberating off of the skylight.
    DiNozzo: Wait a second. Is that how Gibbs is always able to—
    Gibbs: [appears out of nowhere] —walk up behind you and finish your sentences?
    Season 14 
  • In "Rogue", after Torres's Woman Scorned leaves in haste, Gibbs takes her seat and asks Torres if he's ready to go. Torres can't leave because his chair is rigged to blow once he gets up. Gibbs is just laughing about the situation.
  • In "Being Bad", the revelation that Gibbs wanted to be a painter.
  • In "Home of the Brave", Abby, McGee, and Bishop try to woo DiNozzo Sr. into handing over Tony's apartment - Abby tries to "Caf Pow" and dine him, McGee gives him a photo book of him and Delilah, and Bishop writes an essay. And in the end, it's Torres that gets the apartment after the elder DiNozzo decides to draw a name out of a hat - Ducky's hat. Though Torres later cedes the apartment to Tim after seeing the photo book.
  • In the Thanksgiving episode "Enemy Combatant", it's revealed that Bishop's gotten over her failed marriage and has started dating again - with a coworker. Her brothers (who are visiting for the holidays) spend the entire episode scouring NCIS trying to identify and Twerp Sweat their sister's new boyfriend.
    • At one point, one of them makes a nuisance of himself as the team is giving victim details. Another of her brothers delivers a Dope Slap to him, without knowing its significance among the team.
      • Unrelated, but Team Gibbs somewhat getting in on the guessing game. According to Abby's statistics, Gibbs himself was the most likely guy Bishop would date!
    • The brothers' reaction at the end when it's revealed to be Qasim Nasir from season 12? "Thank god, we thought it was Gibbs."
  • In "Pay To Play" a teenaged suspect attempts a high-speed getaway in a Driver's Ed car. The would-be escapee got about a hundred yards before the instructor hit the backup brake.
    Torres: You okay, sir?
    Driving instructor: I stare Death in the face every day.
    • And McGee takes the time to correct the driver's posture.
  • Ep 10: "The Tie That Binds" Fornell has been staying at Gibbs' house for months. Emily drops by and uses an air horn to wake him. Gibbs decided not to warn him. Offscreen, Emily persuades Fornell to move back to his own house by having her boyfriend the entomologist plant termites in Gibbs' house. Gibbs decides that the only place he has left to stay while his house is being fumigated... is Fornell's house.
    • The reaction of just about everyone to the nickname the lover of Ducky's late mother used for her: "Bubbles."
    • The first flashback we have of young Ducky is him returning home from a date... only to discover a naked old guy in the closet, thankfully covering his private parts with a hat. Ducky's mom quickly explains the guy is her lover.
      Victoria: Well? Aren't you going to say something?
      Ducky: ...Yes. That's my hat.
  • Ep 14: "Nonstop." What's better than the return of the Sherlockians? Their newest member: Anthony Sr.
    • Better is how he's the "probie" of the team.
    • McGee is asked if he knows about the Internet. "I've heard of it..."
    • Anthony Sr asks if Gibbs and Judith are "still an item." Gibbs nearly chokes on his food, denying it of course; Anthony Sr assumes "a gentleman never kisses and tells." He then asks Gibbs' permission to "woo" her and Gibbs gratefully tells him to go ahead.
      • This comes back to bite Gibbs somewhat when he accidentally walks in on Senior and Judith bathing together.
    • An alarm techician is initially suspected of being the murdered. He clears himself of that suspision by confessing to robbing another house with the same kind of alarm system at the same time of the murder.
      Tech: Ha! Who's the fool now?!
      Torres: Still you, Taj.
  • Ep 19: "The Wall" Reeves clashing with the irascible witness of the week, Henry Rodgers, who keeps attempting to escape custody to no avail. But the real clincher? After roping Reeves into leaving the conference room to get a heat pack for his "aching back," Baxter succeeds at slipping the handcuffs and leaving a note behind: "My back is fine, SUCKER!"
    Reeves: [sees the note] Oh, bloody hell—!!!
  • "A Many Splendored Thing":
    • Torres' tutorial to Team Gibbs about how to pick pockets.
    • After finding a courier for Chen and driving him and his RV to the neighborhood of the crime scene, Reeves lets Bishop know he's in the area... by accidentally hitting the car horn instead of the headlights.
  • "What Lies Above":
    • Black humor at its finest: McGee's reaction to Delilah calling right as he learns that there's been a dead body under the floorboards of his bedroom.
    McGee: [looking just about ready to vomit] I'm gonna let that go to voicemail.
    • McGee worries (correctly) that the the thieves who broke into his apartment may have taken Delilah’s hard drive. Where did she have it hidden? In a hollowed-out copy of ‘’Deep Six’’.
    • It turns out that McGee hasn't told Delilah yet about the triple homicide that took place in the apartment 15 years ago. When Torres tells McGee that he can't lie to her about that forever, Quinn points out it's more like an omission.
    Quinn: It's like if Delilah were to ever say "McGee, has there ever been a triple homicide in this apartment?" and you said "no", that would be a lie.
    McGee: That's right, and she's never asked me that.
    • Nick responds to that by saying what the audience was most likely thinking:
    Torres: [disturbed] Why the hell would she ask that?!
    • Quinn, Bishop, and Torres get into an argument about wheather or not Tim should tell Delilah about the corpse they found underneath the floorboards of their apartment. A good gem comes out of it:
    Quinn: And now that [McGee] knows, why shouldn't Delilah know?
    Torres: Hell, nobody should know! I wish I didn't know!
  • Slightly dark example in "A Bowl of Cherries" when the three victims of the week are all frozen with liquid nitrogen. Ducky and Jimmy spend a full scene drinking tea while watching the bodies thaw—which is all they can do before they can start the autopsies.
  • In "Beastmaster", McGee has the rest of the team go through mandatory pepper spray re-certification, which involves being pepper-sprayed. After everyone else (sans Gibbs) has been through it, McGee tells them that there was a paperwork mix-up, and they didn't have to be re-certified for another year. With Reeves providing them with three cans of pepper spray, they get their revenge...
  • Ep 23: "Something Blue."
    • The three-way tuxedo-off between McGee, Torres, and Reeves.
      • Who wins? Abby.
    • Palmer's "You should smooch" makes for comedy, intermixed with "She Blinded Me With Science."
    • Director Vance's wedding advice to Tim? "Never take [your marriage to Delilah] for granted... And don't screw it up."
    • After the emotional wringer of Delilah's hospitalization from exhaustion fainting, she and Tim get another bombshell from a nurse coming to check in: Delilah's pregnant. It takes a few tries for the nurse to get the point across, but once the news sinks in, it's McGee's turn to pass out.
    Delilah: That's exactly how I imagined it.
    • And then there's Abby's reaction to the news—going back to the office to tell everyone that everything's perfectly normal, even though her face has "I've got a secret" written all over it.
     Season 15 
  • In the midst of all the grimness of "House Divided", we get a Call-Back to one of Bishop's long-forgotten quirks (not to mention DiNozzo's "campfire" sessions) when she gathers the team together to sit on the floor while they discuss a strategy for finding Gibbs and McGee.
  • The body in "Twofer" apparently smells so bad that it causes Gibbs to recoil in shock, and for Ducky to Troll him by prolonging his "welcome back" speech to keep him in the room longer. Quickly becomes a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment when it turns out to be the result of a toxin in the liver that knocks out Palmer.
    • Gibbs shows up early for his 3:00 mandated therapy appointment. Doctor Confalone is shocked and tells her secretary to try to catch and reschedule her scheduled 3:00.
    Gibbs: I thought I was your 3:00.
    Grace: Who knew you'd show up?
  • Tim is thrown when someone digs up his old high school photo with a ridiculous haircut and turns it into a meme. He spends the episode figuring out who did it and eventually the culprit is (of course), Tony from ,Paris. So Tim gets him back by doing a meme of Tony's own regrettable high school photo with the caption "Payback is a Bitch".
  • "Ready Or Not": When Abby and Delilah are on speaker phone calling Tim, who's at a crime scene, to tell him that the latter's water broke and they should meet them at the hospital:
    Tim: How did this happen? I mean, you're not due for another three weeks!
    Delilah: Well apparently, the babies have other plans!
  • "Double Down"
    • The heckling duel between a stand-up comedian doing a USO tour in Afghanistan and an ex-Marine General Senator who was visiting the troops is actually funnier than the comedian's intended routine.
    • The team as a whole is not happy with Bishop signing them up for a case with less than a week to go before Christmas, as they all have plans and this might force them to have to cancel them. Then Abby and Palmer find evidence that that the incident they're investigating wasn't just a drunk guy falling down the stairs, but a deliberate assault/potential murder attempt, meaning they have a serious case rather than just going over what looked like an accident.
    Abby and Palmer: Humbug.
  • From "Keep Your Friends Close":
    • Gibbs bursts into Vance's office, steps ahead of Fornell.
      Gibbs: He's right behind me and you gotta say no.
    • The team goes to see Fornell at his garage P.I. office and are astounded that behind his corkboard is a high-tech viewscreen. Tim even drools sees Fornell's special glove controller. That's right, Fornell is embracing the 21st century while Gibbs still uses a flip-phone.
    • Gibbs handles the interrogation of the two behind getting rid of a body and quickly find they're idiots with one just throwing out information without even being asked and the other snapping at him to shut up.
      Thug 1: Wait, someone stole the van I stole?
      Thug 2: You didn't melt the body? You had one job.
  • From "Keep Your Enemies Closer"
    • Paul Triff, the former occupant of Tony's apartment and serial killer is a comedy goldmine, especially his interactions with McGee.
    • After capturing Hicks once and for all, Fornell leaves Gibbs with a bill for his services, much to the latter's disbelief.
  • From "Death From Above":
    • When the office is on lockdown, a gang of crooks manage to break in for a mysterious theft. A new tech is helping out when McGee realizes the source of a hacking is coming from her computer. The woman pulls a gun with Sloane managing to subdue her.
      Vance: HR is going to have a field day.
    • Trying to escape the locked down lab, Elle and Jimmy accidentally set fire to Abby's beloved Major Mass Spec(trometer).
      Bishop: I think we need to change our approach.
      Jimmy: I think we need to change our names.
    • The fact that Bishop and Jimmy pulled off an awesome Locking MacGyver in the Store Cupboard moment by making a bomb out of the chemicals in Abby's lab in order to break out and tell the others what the bad guys were really after a little too late to matter because the rest of the team had already dealt with them by then.
    • Don't forget how scared they were at the prospect of telling Abby they blew up a refrigerator-sized hole on her lab's wall. You can't blame them for lying through their teeth to her by the end of the episode and say the bad guy did it all.
    • How Anthony DiNozzo Senior managed to convince the bad guy with a gun that Abby was nobody important.
      Senior: Let the girl go. She's just an intern. She doesn't the know the difference between a scalpel and a butter knife.
      Abby: [indignant] Excuse me.
      Senior: Look at the way she dresses.
      Abby: [shrugs]
    • Senior runs back to autopsy with help to save Abby, whom the bad guys locked in one of the storage cabinets for corpses, only to find her sleeping peacefully in there. After her would-be rescuers wake her up, she explains to them that she minimized her oxygen consumption by keeping herself calm, got bored and fell asleep. Then she reminded them that she does sleep in a coffin at home anyway, so it wasn't a big deal for her.
    • The reveal that the secret break room on the roof is Gibbs' handiwork, who managed to keep it a secret for only God knows how long from the team.
      • Even better? The idea that all the times Gibbs has claimed to be "going to meetings at the Pentagon", he's actually been up here.
  • From "The Numerical Limit":
    • Tim tells Gibbs that a motion sensor he put on his front door has just sent out an alarm. Gibbs is less upset about someone breaking into his house than the fact McGee put some technological thing in his house without asking first. Bishop and Torres give "you screwed up" winces to Tim.
    • Elena, a ten-year-old girl from San Salvador that the team has under protective custody, asks Torres something nobody did before:
      Torres: [to Elena, in Spanish] Hello. I'm Nicholas. If you need anything, or you've got a question, here I am.
      Elena: ¿Por qué tu camisa es tan apretada?
      Bishop: [barely resists laughing out loud]
      Torres: [makes a face that just says "fair point"]
      McGee: What'd she say?
      Gibbs: She wants to know why his shirt's so tight.
      Bishop: Don't we all?
    • Bishop and McGee find that someone hid weapons inside an ice cream truck. Bishop claims she could "smell the Rocky Road" just as Abby comes out with an open carton.
      Abby: I did more than smell. I need an intervention. Stop me. (hands off the carton to Bishop).
    • Bishop just shrugs off Tim and Torres' warnings about Abby finding out who wrecked her mass spectrometer in the previous episode. She walks out as Torres sighs "I'm going to miss her." Bishop then sees Abby going wild figuring out clues and "I will soon find the murderer!" causing Bishop to realize she's indeed in deep shit.
    • Palmer is trying to do an autopsy with Ducky on a video screen talking about procedures and one of his usual long stories. Rolling his eyes, Palmer unplugs his side of the feed, meaning Ducky will probably be droning on for a while before realizing Jimmy can't hear him.
  • Torres's little happy dance at the end of "Handle With Care".
  • Gibbs cock-blocking the reporters from getting a scoop in "One Step Forward" goes on the air and becomes sensationalized, leading to Torres to coin the incident "When Gibbs Attacks". Gibbs shoots a piercing Death Glare at that remark.
    • A little later, Vance jokes that he's going to make sure there will be no more future instances of "When Gibbs Attacks" to avoid media scrutiny...
  • "Fallout":
    • Gibbs is attending the memorial service of his friend, Phil, who seemed to be lost at sea. Checking out the basement, Gibbs finds Phil alive and well. It seems someone took a shot at him on his boat so he's been lying low. He's naturally thrown to realize everyone thinks he's dead and talks Gibbs into keeping it up while they investigate. This means Gibbs having to keep this quiet from the guy's "widow", leading to hijinks.
    • The POI Gibbs/McGee tries to interview smashes their unmarked sedan, thinking that they're investors trying to push her to sign away the mall. Gibbs shows his badge and she realizes that she damaged a federal agency's sedan.
    • To get information, the team have to get close to some guys at a golf course. As it happens, Palmer is a member of the club and plays with Torres as his caddy.
      • Torres tells Palmer he's playing too well to get close to the guys and Palmer is outraged at the idea of playing worse.
  • In "Two Steps Back" Abby decides to go after King herself and gets rid of Torres by goading him into entering her coffin-bed and then locking him in.

     Season 16 
  • In "Love Thy Neighbor", Sloane is excited about an investigation taking place at a small neighborhood as she sees it as a "fantastic social study" she compares to research into jungle tribes.
  • Jimmy takes Torres on a "wild night on the town"... which ends up being painting at a studio and drinking wine.
    Torres: So this is what marriage does.
    • And somehow, Torres is able to start a brawl with two homophobic smack-talkers. All while a female model in just a towel sits and watches.
    • We see the duo's mug shots: Palmer with bruises on his face, a black eye and covered in paint while Torres...actually looks pretty good.
    • Three guesses who has to bail the two out of jail.
    • Gibbs punishes Torres for the above in the most lethally effective way: siccing Sloane on him.
      Torres: So, uh, can we have the talk now?
      Gibbs: No. We are not having a talk.
      Torres: We're not?
      Sloane: [from the upstairs landing] Agent Torres, good morning! Come on up. Ooh! Grab me a sprinkle donut if you don't mind.
      Torres: ["Oh please God no" expression]
      Gibbs: [without changing expression] Bye-bye.
  • "Boom":
    • The team investigate a bomb meant for a soldier who's on a "Real Wives of Army" reality TV show. Tim turns out to be a fan because Delilah watches it, and naturally gets needled by the others.
    • The wife is a total diva who at first thinks "this is part of the show" and then acts up blubbering in interrogation before dropping it.
      Tim: The Internet hates Sheba.
      Bishop: I agree with the Internet.
    • The gang find a stalker with a large box they think is a bomb. It's really a full diorama of the man's "vacation" camping with Sheba.
    • McGee is thrown to learn that thanks to a Supreme Court ruling, he can no longer "ping" a suspect's cell phone. He tries to hold to it but quickly cracks, behaving like an addict going through withdrawal.
    • Kasie starts texting Gibbs to meet her in the lab before realizing "wait, he's not a texter."
  • Fornell and Phil Brooks (from last season's "Fallout") spend pretty much all of "The Third Wheel" competing over who's more macho, who's Gibbs' BFF, etc. all while disrupting Gibbs' peace and quiet at his cabin.
  • Ducky explains he had to give up the lecture circuit because "I just can't stand droning on for hours." Jimmy's look is priceless.
  • Ducky is talking via a phone video and going on a long discussion while Gibbs just shuts him off.
    Jimmy: You know how to end a Facetime call.
    Gibbs: What's Facetime?
  • "She"
    • Ziva puts another "Ziva-ism" on the list: "Happy as an Oyster" (describing Palmer), to which Kasie asks if it should be "Happy as a clam".
  • In "Once Upon a Time," an intruder breaks into Tim and Delilah's apartment and Tim is forced to shoot him. As the gang check the scene out, Torres accidentally lets Delilah know about Tim shooting a guy a year before. Delilah is not happy as Tim assures her there's nothing else to know. Cue Palmer entering to ask if they've found "another dead body decomposing in the bedroom" and Delilah freaking out.
  • "Crossing the Line"
    • A trio of high schoolers win an essay contest to tour the NCIS offices. Torres is set up as their "mentor." It goes as well as you'd expect.
    • Gibbs vs teenagers goes even worse.
      • At one point, he makes it clear he has no idea what "K-hip-hop"note  is and the teens just sigh, "Tragic."
  • "Bears and Cubs"
    • Jimmy is forced into a solo investigation involving both his quirky father-in-law, Ed, and Anthony Sr. Hilarity Ensues.
    • McGee, Bishop, and Torres get into a discussion about the various words for fecal matter after they failed to find bear scat in the woods (for context, the Body of the Week was found supposedly mauled by a bear but he was actually stabbed to death). Gibbs then enters the bullpen and says "cut the crap" to get them to focus on the case.
    • After Palmer finally tells Gibbs about the poker ring and Stevie being in danger, Gibbs interrogates Ed to see what he knows. Whenever Ed tries to claim Stevie's not involved in the poker ring, Jimmy, who's watching from behind the one-way mirror, knocks on it. After the second time, Gibbs gets sick of it and shouts at Jimmy to get his butt in the interrogation room.
  • Tim is stunned to discover that Torres has more money saved up for his retirement than Tim does.
  • In "Mona Lisa," Gibbs and Vance have a video call with a Coast Guard officer in his office. They spend a few minutes admiring how the man has a huge tank in his office with a small shark.
    Vance: What rank do you have to have in order to own a shark?
  • Somehow Torres has no idea who George Lucas is. Even Gibbs corrects him on the name.
  • Torres finally discovers Gibbs' romantic history of four ex-wives and astounded. "Does he have a marriage punch card?"
  • Gibbs has to be in the interrogation room. He shuffles in the chair, takes out a knife and uses it to fix it.
    Palmer: Yeah, get the knife from Gibbs before interrogating him if I were you.
    Torres: Why are you looking at me? I'm not going in there. Good luck, Bishop.
    Bishop: Oh, no, nice try. I've cheated death one too many times lately.
    • The gang watch Sloane question Gibbs.
    Palmer: It's like watching John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors at Wimbledon.
    Torres: That is the whitest thing I've ever heard.
  • McGee reciting the Konami Code to the Splendifida HR woman.
  • When it's not hitting you with an emotional gut punch, Gibbs's talk with Doctor Confalone in "Lost Time" gets to this, mostly because Grace has no patience for his crap as he's moping, not for a second believing he really intends to turn himself in for the death of Pedro Hernandez and just keeps pushing and pushing under the stoic-y Gibbs exterior.

     Season 17 
  • Torres says he knows Bishop is lying because "your neck sweats when you do." Bishop claims that's not true even as she wipes her neck constantly.
    • Later, when Kasie shows up, she asks if Bishop's neck is sweating.
  • Jimmy nearly has a full mental breakdown when he hears Ziva is alive.
  • Gibbs has to grin when Ziva declares "do not count your crocodiles before they hatch."
  • Torres, of course, has to size up Ziva.
  • Kasie is just absolutely, completely unimpressed by Ziva to the amazement of everyone.
  • Ziva insists on calling Torres "Nicholas" and Bishop "Eleanor."
  • Ziva pushes Torres to hit her as a distraction. When he refuses, she slaps him a few times and then belts him before easily evading his punches and clearly playing with him in their fight.
  • "I don't kiss and show." "Tell." Oh, Ziva...
  • Gibbs and Sloane can't believe it when an insomniac patient actually falls asleep during her interrogation.
  • Bishop offers to be hypnotized as part of a case but Torres ends up going under instead. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Gibbs tells Bishop to find info on a suspect by "checking his Facegram page or his Instachat."
  • Gibbs' reaction to messaging acronym shortcuts:
    Gibbs: What is that? Is that even English?
  • Torres is dating a woman whose son is "coming home from camp" and gets him some toys. He then finds out it's military camp as the "kid" is a fully-grown Special Forces soldier.
    • Torres and his girlfriend are eating out when the son drops by with his date...Bishop. Cue one awkward meal.
    • Torres' expression at Bishop's wild giggle is priceless.
  • Ducky gives Gibbs a book on Greek mythology, speaking of how happy he is Gibbs is taking such an interest in deep historical knowledge. He's less than pleased when Gibbs says he "hopes there's pictures" and just skims through the book.
  • "Musical Chairs":
    • One thing that Tim is looking forward to during the three days when Delilah and their kids took a vacation to visit family is that he gets to cook fish sticks without Delilah complaining about the smell and getting to watch a "history of tap" documentary.
      Torres: That is the lamest thing I ever heard.
    • Torres decides he wants to learn how to play the piccolo after interviewing one of the Anchor Ensemble's piccolo players. McGee and Bishop are amazed at this because earlier Nick mocked them for having "nerdy" hobbies.
      McGee: Alright, Let Me Get This Straight... you think Bishop and I deserve to be stuffed in lockers, but you spend your lunch break reading up on the piccolo.
  • Investigating the murder of a sailor who was into video games, Tim is upset to realize how far behind he is on the latest games.
    • Gibbs and Torres both spend time complaining about how the youth of today are wasting time on video games. So imagine their reactions when they discover the hardcore gamers they're looking for are the residents of a senior center even older than Gibbs.
    • Gibbs can't quite grasp that finding a video game avatar isn't the same as finding the guy in real life.
    • Picture Tim's reaction when Gibbs' "video game expert" is the eleven-year-old Phineas.
    • Bishop has a hard time wrapping her head around how a man who is a horrible online misogynist coaches his daughter's basketball team.
    • When Torres and Bishop go to bring the aforementioned misogynist in for questioning, they find him in front of his apartment building creepily flirting with a pizza delivery girl (who isn't falling for any of his comments) in an attempt to have sex with her. Then Torres chases the guy through construction scaffolding until the misogynist falls ten feet into a dumpster as Bishop and the pizza delivery girl watch.
      Bishop: I don't think you're gonna be getting that tip.
      Pizza delivery girl: Oh, forget it. That was worth every penny right there.
  • Ziva makes another "Ziva-ism" with "Chewing the lard" instead of fat, even though she had been in the U.S.A. for a long time.
  • It turns out that Palmer was so upset about the fact that he was the only member of the team still around that Ziva didn't stop to visit in her first appearance in the season that on her second, he staked out the forensics lab so he could talk to her when she inevitably swung by.
  • In "Flight Plan", McGee decides to get a vasectomy because he and Delilah have agreed that Johnny and Morgan are the only children they want. While he's reluctant to talk about it, word ends up spreading around the Navy Yard anyway.
    • For one thing, Torres won't stop making a big deal out of it:
      Torres: Damn. What if they, like, snip on the wrong wire?
      McGee: It's not a bomb, Nick.
      Nick: Remember that movie Edward Scissorhands?
      McGee: Why would you put that image in my head?
      Nick: I'm just saying, that's the image in my head.
      McGee: Well, now it's in my head!
      Gibbs: [Him and Bishop show up] What's in your head?
      Nick: Oh, great, you guys made it!
    • When Tim goes to check on the autopsy, he asks Palmer if the "no-scalpel" option (which he chose) is truly no-scalpel. Jimmy reassures him that they just use a clamp and a needle and offers to show him how it’s done on the dead body. McGee declines.
      • This tidbit is also chuckle-worthy.
      Palmer: Don't listen to Torres; he probably read that clickbait horror story online about the guy with the weird complication.
      McGee: What story about the guy with the weird complication?
      Palmer: I wouldn't look it up.
    • McGee initially doesn't want to tell Bishop about the decision, but then she confronts him because she overheard him and Torres whispering about a surgery he’s doing. McGee tries to play it off as nothing to worry about, but Bishop insists on knowing because she feels that she has the right to know if one of her coworkers is having some kind of health crisis. Tim is clearly uncomfortable with trying to go into the details, so he reassures her that it's totally a voluntary, elective procedure, then gets too embarrassed to talk about it anymore and goes to check something out. And then Bishop suddenly realizes what Tim was talking about.
    • Then Vance finds out about it. While it quickly turns into a heartwarming moment when Vance reveals that he also did a vasectomy years prior and is able to give McGee advice on recovery, the way the conversation starts out it pretty funny:
    McGee: [During his debriefing on the current case in Vance's office] Is that all, Director?
    Vance: No. Please close the door.
    [McGee does so]
    Vance: Agent McGee, um, have you... um... [clearly trying to figure out how to approach this] have you been discussing your private medical decisions at work?
    McGee: Uh...once, I brought it up. [Sees Vance's cocked eyebrow] It was actually more like three times... Counting now, this is the fifth time.
    • At the end of the episode, when McGee is having some second thoughts right before his vasectomy appointment, Gibbs gives him some good advice on not letting the possibilities of the future while making a major decision affect you.
      McGee: Boss, you're a member of the cut club?
      Gibbs: Oh, hell no. I wish you luck, though.
  • "Sound Off":
    • Palmer decides he needs an assistant so the B-Plot of the episode is him going through a Terrible Interviewees Montage:
      • The first interviewee is a medical student who's Squicked out at having to work with dead bodies. Both Jimmy and herself quickly agree she's not qualified for the position.
      • The second interviewee is a Nightmare Fetishist who wants the job just for the chance to legally cut up dead bodies. Jimmy is pretty disturbed, to say the least.
      • The interviewee that winds up actually doing well at everything is an exact xerox of Ducky, right down to being Scottish. Yet he refuses the position because he wants to explore so much more.
        McGee: Does Ducky have another younger brother we don't know about?
    • When reaching a room that's locked by a 4-digit code, McGee notes that there are 10,000 possible combinations to get it unlocked. Nick just kicks down the door.
    Torres: I hate math.
    McGee: But you sure love knocking down doors.
  • "Lonely Hearts"
    • Once again, Tim has managed to forget Valentine's Day.
    • A murder investigation leads to Gibbs' old friend, Phil who, thanks to a dating app, is dating a hot JAG lawyer.
    • Said lawyer complains about her last boyfriend trying to prove his masculinity but Phil "just exudes it naturally." Bishop's expression is priceless.
    • The group is stunned to discover Vance has a profile on the app.
    Bishop: Is that a picture of him in his bathing suit?
    McGee: Oh, how do I unsee that?
    Torres: He is fit!
    McGee: It's like a Japanese horror film, we might all die in seven days.
    Gibbs: (Entering the bullpen) Good. Then we can get back to work.
    • Kasie tries to hit an archery target to see how far somebody would have to stand in order to kill a human (the victim was murdered with a broadheaded hunting arrow shot from a compound bow), but she doesn't have much success.
      "I'm from New York. What do I look like, Robin Hood from the hood?"
      • Later on, she finds a hair embedded in the fletchings of the arrow found in the murdered body, and when Jimmy wonders how that could happen, she offers to show by drawing the bow and arrow back but ends up pointing it at Jimmy and McGee. They both hit the deck and quickly insist that Kasie just tell them instead to prevent any I Just Shot Marvin in the Face scenarios.
    • Gibbs referring to the dating app as "love connection thingamaggiers."
    • Phil insists his girlfriend is innocent, claiming "I'm a great judge of character."
    Gibbs: (Exasperated) Phil...your ex-wife cheated on you with the same guy who tried to murder you!
    Phil: Okay, fair point, forget I said that.
    • Phil wants to take part, citing his "help" the previous year.
    Phil: I'm practically an agent.
    Gibbs: You are an accountant! You fell off the trail and you got Fornell shot!
    Phil: God, I wish you didn't have such a good memory. Forgot about that too.
    • While it doubles as an awesome moment, Phil delays the bad guy from killing him and Stacy when he sees the NCIS agents are getting ready to come in to save both of them by asking the bad guy if he has estate money set up for his favorite nephew.
  • The gang run into a rare coin expert in "Ephemera"
    Woman: I take it none of you are numismatists?
    Torres: I was raised Catholic.
  • In "Schooled", it's revealed that Tim and Delilah had started potty-training their twins, and apparently Bishop and Toress overheard McGee making up potty-training songs for them in the NCIS breakroom.
    McGee: You guys heard that?
    Bishop and Torres: [singing in harmony] When you feel the urge...
    McGee: Okay, okay, you guys heard that.
    • The Victim of the Week's body was found in a river by two teens at the same time a rubber ducky race was being held, prompting this exchange.
    Jimmy: I had a dream once that started this way. I was swimming naked in a lake, surrounded by thousands of rubber duckies—
    McGee: Then you realized you should stop telling this story?
    Jimmy: Yes, I very much did.
  • "Blarney" takes place on St. Patrick's Day, and Torres tries to turn down celebrating it when Bishop suggests going to the bar after work.
    Torres: Y'all know I don't do St. Pats.
    Bishop: Uh, yeah, you do. You're wearing green.
    Torres: Yeah, enough green to keep the crazy Irish people like you from saying [mocking voice] "you're not wearing green".
    Bishop: Who is so crazy? And I'll have you know, I'm only one-quarter Irish.
    Torres: And I'm four-quarters not Irish at all.


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