I see potential in Cecil. I like the well thought out backstory.

Name: Ralph Evans

Age: 19

Personality: He's a quiet/awkward guy. When he does talk, he's a good joker; dark humor and wisecrack insults are his go-to for comedy.

He's a rule breaker. Every Friday night, he goes dumpster diving at the local mall. If something doesn't go his way, he can get loud. Controlling his anger is something he has had trouble with for most of his life.

He's unproductive. Most, if not all, of his day is spent hiding in the privacy of his room, he struggles with hygiene, he's unemployed, and goes to community college since his high school grades were subpar. Video games, comics, and action figures are his favorite hobbies.

Abilities: He's learned how to use weapons from media, is a problem solver, and is good with animals as his grandfather is a retired zoologist.

Weaknesses: He has poor agility since he doesn't exercise much and prefers junk food, and is scared of heights.

Goals: His group has been sent off to travel to Oregon and eliminate the Ernest Organization. Ernest is a scientist legion with a project of creating a superhuman and wiping out their area's population to implement libertism: an economic system getting rid of money, thus abolishing the concept of greed.

Motivation: After convincing his English professor, Chloe Jackson, to go with him dumpster diving, he finds documents from Perry Ernest, the founder and CEO of Ernest Organization. Hori Maki, the owner of a Japanese restaurant in the mall, catches them, then is shown the documents. The next day the 3 of them report their find to the police, where they find out that Perry Ernest is one of the US' most wanted criminals. The organization's headquarters are located deep in a wilderness filled with dangerous animals. They've built sentry guns that not only kill tresspassers on sight, but also detect if an intruder is from law enforcement or military, and switch to deadly explosives. Ralph goes on the journey since not only would this ensure he's made an impact when he's on the deathbed, but Seattle, his dream home, is just above the Oregon headquarters.

Role in the story: Main protagonist

Backstory: His childhood was mostly uneventful. He didn't have many friends, but never really got bullied. His parents, Geoffery Ernest Evans and Linda Isabelle Evans, loved and cared for him, a bit too much since his discipline was very mild.

Relevant Tropes:

Bad Boss: The trio hates each other at first.

Berserk Button: He can dish it out, but can't take it.

Big Eater: Still hasn't grown out of hating nutritious foods.

{{Brilliant, but Lazy}}: His dream job before the journey is game developer, unfortunately, he hasn't put in the time and effort into researching the job

Competition Freak: Gets aggressive when losing a game.

Deadpan Snarker: Not afraid to jokingly insult others.

Delinquents: His clearest memory is, in 4th grade, spending a day in the kindergarten class after a tantrum over not getting 100% on a vocab test.

Desperately Looking for a Purpose in Life: One of his worst fears is dying and being forgotten.

Extreme Doormat: Still lives with his parents.

Innocently Insensitive: Not everyone takes his insults humorously.

Loser Protagonist: In case you haven't caught on by now, he isn't society's best.

Manchild: Isn't willing to talk serious adult stuff, like politics or religion.

There's probably like 100 other tropes to describe him, but I'm getting tired of writing. I think you can tell what kind of character he is.

Edited by ThunderEagle45 on Jul 22nd 2019 at 10:23:53 AM

Hey, you’re supposed to critique to the one above you before posting yours.

My bad, fixed

Anyway, Ralph sounds like he could be a fun character; Someone with clear obstacles and flaws to overcome, while still being competent.

So, here's Warren, from the same story as Silver:

Name: Warren Kidd

Age: 25

Personality: He's a sweet, caring, intelligent and hard-working person, who also happens to be constantly stressed and paranoid, quite sarcastic, and isolated. He has a major soft-spot for kids and is extremely protective over them, but he's a big softy in general. As the leader of the rebellion, it's expected for him to be stern, focused and bold, but he's actually very insecure, nervous, and inexperienced. Despite this, he tries his best in all things, and tries especially hard to be a good leader...despite that most people don't think he's a worthy successor to the previous leader, Gerard. He is remarkably good at putting up a cool and professional mask, but breaks character easily around people he knows on a personal level.

Abilities: He's extremely intelligent, in the way that he's a rational thinker with an eye for detail and a good understanding of other people. He earned his position as the rebellion's leader through his brains alone, and constantly proves that he's, if nothing else, a very strategically-oriented person.

Oh, and he can cook. He's a highly talented chef, who would be spending his time in a restaurant if any restaurants would hire someone so low on the social totem pole. He's also a skilled liar, quite good with persuasion, and good at staying in-character as an ordinary, unassuming servant.

Weaknesses: What he has in brains, Warren lacks in physical ability. He's not weak, necessarily, but all of his skill lies in behind-the-scenes work, so he never goes out into the field and struggles with working with the rebels that do go into the field.

Warren can also be quite cowardly, afraid of making big moves for fear of the worst, an issue that he gets repeatedly criticized for. This extends even into his personal relationships, which caused a major falling out with his ex-boyfriend when he was finally unable to handle the secrets he was keeping.

Finally, he can be too nice. He cares so genuinely about other people that he'll go out of his way to try and help them— adding more stress to his day-to-day life and making it all too easy to betray him.

Goals: As the leader of the rebellion, his goal is to see said rebellion come to victory in a way that has minimal consequences for innocent people. He wants to create change and have a world where people can live safely and freely, and most of all, as equals under the law.

Motivation: Warren himself was and still is badly abused by people with power and money; in this setting, servants are essentially slaves with a paycheck, having very few rights and absolutely no respect from anyone with more social power than they do. Having grown up in this life, Warren understands just how important it is for this sort of thing to not happen to others.

Role in the story: He, of course, leads the rebellion. He first has to juggle his leader work and his servant work, living in isolation and being regularly insulted by his bitter rebel ex-boyfriend, Emory. After much struggle, he talks an old friend into taking out his boss, fixes his relationship with Emory to the point where they can be friends, frees an entire house of abused orphan workers, and moves to Denver.

In Denver, he continues his work, becoming closer to his other rebels and taking more risks. He decides to take the rebellion in a creative direction, promoting Emory to his partner, becoming allies with his friend-turned-rival and her own followers, and taking great strides in pushing the rebellion forward. Of course, it isn't at all easy, and things always go south just as soon as they seem to be getting better...

Backstory: When he was seven, Warren's parents were spontaneously arrested for mocking the God of the ruling cult. He was forcibly taken to what is known as a "kid's home", where he became a child servant for a very wealthy, powerful, and crazy man with insane religious beliefs. While there, he became friends with a little girl named Ki Sang-Young, who was also this man's servant. She wanted to run away, and he was too afraid, so she left without him, and he was nearly killed trying to lie about what happened. He grew up and eventually became old enough to move into his own place as an adult, but was never able to leave his work as a servant- nobody would hire him elsewhere.

One day, he was ambushed by a rebel named Macie, who convinced him to join in. Not long after, Warren started supplying the rebel leader, Gerard, with information about the cult. Things changed when Gerard had him partner with a new rebel from England, named Emory. Warren and Emory hit it off and became friends, eventually romantic partners, which infuriated Gerard because Emory was from a wealthy cult family, and was still a member of the upperclass.

Gerard saw Emory as nothing more than a loyal, gullible tool to eventually get rid of, and Warren was well aware of this. He and Gerard would get into fights over it all the time, with Warren defending his boyfriend faithfully, but being too afraid to actually tell Emory the truth. Eventually, this began to eat away at his psyche, and one night it was all too much for him, so he broke up with Emory to avoid having to tell him the truth, for fear that the truth would be more painful. Emory became embittered, and Warren was alone, made out to look like the bad guy by Gerard.

Then, Gerard died, and left Warren as the leader of the rebellion. This wasn't expected, as Macie was his favorite, and Gerard and Warren had despised each-other...but if the rebellion was going to die as a result of his death, he wanted Warren to take the fall for it. That didn't happen; Warren managed to survive the ensuing chaos, and the rebellion stayed afloat, but went quiet for a while to recover. This is where the story starts.

Relevant Tropes:

• The Chains of Commanding
• Deadpan Snarker
• Dude, Where's My Respect?
• The Insomniac
• Insurrectionist Inheritor
• The Leader
• Motor Mouth
• Must Have Caffeine
• Nice Guy
• Non-Action Guy
• Papa Wolf
• Pair the Smart Ones
• Sherlock Scan
• Smart People Play Chess
• The Strategist
• Supreme Chef
• We Used to Be Friends

Edited by WarJay77 on Jul 25th 2019 at 5:13:55 AM

Let's see - Warren is an interesting character to me. Not all heroes need to be super strong or have incredible powers to do good. Simply being a good commander can be enough. I always come to respect strategists smart enough to lead their forces to victory and not to certain and needless death. Keep working on him.
Anyway, I wanted to show you two characters for my planned My Hero Academia fanfiction, Asuka "Byakko" Tanikawa and Shido "Azure Knight" Minegishi:

• Names: Asuka Tanikawa and Shido Minegishi
• Age: Both 15 at the start of the story; 19 after Time Skip
• Appearance: Asuka on the left, Shido on the right: [1]
• Personality: Both Shido and Asuka are aspiring to become great heroes. Although both were inspired by the likes of All Might, Best Jeanist or the Pussycats to use their Quirks for the good of all, they have different motivations. Asuka wants to follow the footsteps of her idol, Rabbit Hero: Mirko (whom she she idolizes as much as Izuku idolizes All Might), while Shido on the other hand wants go redeem his family's name after his father, a former Pro Hero, became a Villain. Both have the same goal of refroming Hero Society from the inside, as they are disappointed at how many heroes care more about popularity than serving the common good. They want to become Heroes not because of the lust for fame or money, but from a sense of duty and wanting to help others.
  On one hand, Asuka is an extroverted, fun loving and courageous Catgirl, who would never back down from a fight. The tougher the opponent, the more thrilling the fight. On the other hand, she is also a kind-hearted and caring girl, who would willingly listen to other's problems and help them however she can. This comes from a fact, that she often had to take care of her younger brothers when her older sister or parents weren't available. Her brothers, as well as most of class 1-A, see her as a Cool Big Sis.
  Shido is well-known in U.A for his no-nonsense demeanor and sharp tongue. He won't hesitate to call out and criticize someone for their un-heroic or bad behavior, like Bakugo's explosive temperament and bullying of Midoriya, Mineta's perversion or Monoma's obsession. But, deep down, he's a caring individual who wants his fellow heroes in-training to grow and improve. He usually helps others in studying out of his own volition. One of his greatest assests is his ability to remain calm even in the most dire situations and use his analytical skills to overcome any obstace in his or his friends' path. He rarely shows his true emotions. Only when he's around people he trust or someone pushes his Berserk Button, being the fate of his parents.
  Asuka and Shido are very close friends. So close, that many people think they are dating. While they deny being a couple and had expressed interest in their classmates (Asuka with Midoriya and Shido with Momo), they can't deny that they are to a certain extend in love with each other.
• Abilities:
  • Asuka's Quirk is Tiger. It's a Mutant-type Quirk, which gives her cat-related abilities. That includes: cat ears and tail, improved senses (including sight, hearing and smell), increased strength and agility, very sharp claws and fangs. In addition to that, she is an expert in close quarters combat. She was taught wrestling moves by her father (since he is a prowrestler) and mixed martial arts (a mixture of boxing, kick boxing and vale tudo) by her older sister.
  • Shido's Quirk is Ether. It's an Emitter-type Quirk, which allows him to generate a substance called Ether. Shido can use this substance to create durable constructs or to fire concussive blasts of similar power to Bakugo's explosions. The Quirk is very versatile, allowing Shido to adapt quickly to almost any situation. In addition, he was taught martial arts to help him master his Quirk.
• Weaknesses:
  • Asuka is a Close-Range Combatant. If an enemy excells at long range and/or can keep distance from her, she can't do much. She tries to overcome this by improving her speed or learning how to jump higher.
  • Shido's Quirk requires food to generate Ether. The more he uses his Quirk, the more hungry he gets. Because of this, he performs poorly at prolonged combat. To somewhat alleviate this, he carries with himself snacks to quickly refuel himself. The best hope for his enemy to prevail is to aim at Victory by Endurance.
• Goals:
  • Shared: Reform the Hero Society from the inside
  • Asuka: Succeed Miruko as the greatest female Hero in Japan
  • Shido: Redeem his family name, put an end to his father's criminal activities
• Motivations: A desire to become great Heroes, create a better future
• Role in the story: Protagonists of story arc post-Time Skip
• Backstory: Shido was a son of a great Pro Hero duo from Nagoya. He always dreamed of following in their footsteps. But, that dream was crushed when his mother died because of one reckless Pro Hero and his father became a Villain because the hero responsible for this tragedy avoided persecution. Shido was taken in by his father's now former friend Akira Yamamoto, a respected Pro Hero from Tokyo.
  The pain of losing his mother, combined with the bullying from his peers for his dad becoming a Villain broke Shido. He became a shut-in and refused to use his Quirk. No matter how hard he tried, Akira couldn't convince the young boy to leave the house or to reconsider becoming a Hero as he had always dreamed of.
  That changed one day, when Shido first met Asuka. She came to visit with her mother, who was a key member of Yamamoto's Hero Agency. When their parents discussed important Hero matters, Asuka and Shido surprisingly got along fast. She managed to do the impossible and convinced Shido to leave the house to play with her! Seeing it as a good sign, Akira asked Asuka's mother to visit them more frequently to help Shido. Suffice to say, the plan worked. With the newfound motivation and loyal friend by his side, Shido once again planned to become a Hero. This time, however, his motivation was different. Under Asuka's suggestion, he plans to become an Internal Reformist and change the Hero Society. He won't allow the tragedy that almost crush his dreams happen to anyone else.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Asuka:
    • Cain and Abel: She will become this with her older sister, who will become a Villain just before a Time Skip
    • Catgirl: Her Quirk turned her into this
    • Wrestler in All of Us: She sometimes uses wrestling moves during combat.Justified, as she was taught wrestling by her prowrestler father. She admitted, that if she failed at becoming a Hero, she would follow her father's footsteps
    • Cool Big Sis: She is this to her younger siblings and most of class 1-A
    • Violently Protective Girlfriend: Harm Shido under her watch and she will turn you into a scratching post or training dummy. Toga and Monoma learned that the hard way.
    • Close-Range Combatant
    • Broken Pedestal: She looked up to her older sister. After becoming a Villain, Asuka started to hate her.
    • Heroic BSoD: She almost quit becoming a hero after her sister's Face–Heel Turn and No-Holds-Barred Beatdown she put Asuka through.
    • Curb-Stomp Battle: She inflicts one on Himiko in her solo episode around Remedial Course Arc and most of the girls from 1-A during combat sparring. She was on the receiving end of this trope from Ochako (during the mentioned sparring), her older sister (during her Face–Heel Turn) and a new villain named Jester (post-Time Skip)
    • Arch-Enemy: At first it will be Himiko, but later that role will belong to her sister and Jester, a female Villain with electric Quirk from a rival faction to League of Villains.
    • Bully Hunter: She defended Shido from bullies after he started attending school again and often defends Izuku from Bakugo.
  • Shido:
    • Berserk Button Trauma Button: Mentioning his parents can drive him to tears or make him extremely aggressive
    • Big Eater: A result of his Quirk
    • Archnemesis Dad: His father. Shido promised to bring him to justice for his crimes
    • You Are Better Than You Think You Are: That's how Asuka managed to help him recover from his Heroic BSoD after his mother's death and his father's Face–Heel Turn. He would later repay the favor by doing the same during her Heroic BSoD moment.
    • Broken Ace: On one hand, he's one of the few people who can fight Bakugo in a 1-on-1 fight to a standstill. On the other hand, he still carries some heavy emotional baggage.
    • Shaping Your Attacks: He can shape Ether he produces into sturdy constructs. He can create gauntlets, claws, blades, shields, whips or armor. This, combined with his Hand Blast ability makes his Quirk very versatile.
    • Victory by Endurance: Yeah, because of how his Quirk works, he must finish his fights quickly before collapsing from exhaustion and hunger.
    • Closet Geek: He's a big fan of Gundam, with Mobile Suit Gundam SEED being his favorite, but he doesn't want anyone to know this. So far, only Asuka, Deku and Kaminari know this.
    • Brutal Honesty: When he criticizes someone, he does not mince words.
    • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Despite his no-nonsense demeanor and sharp tongue, he cares for others and wishes his peers to be like All Might or even surpass him in being better heroes. That includes Monoma, who intentionally pressed his Berserk Button to provoke him and get him into trouble. However, that excludes Mineta, as he lost all respect to him (if there were any) when he attempted to peep on girls during School Trip Arc.
    • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: He gave a rather harsh ones to Bakugo, Monoma and Mineta. Only the former two took it seriously.
    • Not So Different: To Stain, as both want to get rid of fake Heroes and reform the society. However, Shido wants to do it peacefully, by being an Internal Reformist. Just in case, he asked Midoriya, Todoroki, Iida, Asuka and his adoptive sister to stop him if he ever went crazy like Stain did.

Edited by ArcticDog18 on Aug 19th 2019 at 1:40:30 PM

Bump.

Are my characters that bad, or do you guys don't have any heroes you want to have critiqued at the moment?

Don't worry, your characters are fine. These critique threads just haven't been as active lately.

Anyway, I'm not all that familiar with MHA, but these are some great characters. They make a good duo, with their personalities (and even their powers, to some extent) playing off each other pretty well. I already want to read more about them, especially Shido.

As for their designs, Asuka looks pretty good, although you might want to make her gloves match her boots more, since the rest of her outfit is mostly white. Shido looks alright (from what I can tell at the angle he's standing at in the image). I've got mixed feelings about those shades of blue and gray together, but otherwise, nice work.

Name: Asther (pronounced "aster")
Age: Goodness knows.
Personality: Asther is fond of making mischief and outfoxing anyone who gets in her way. She takes great pride in what she does, and seeks to increase her capabilities.
Abilities: She's a fae, which in this setting is very similar to a demon. She can fly, do magic, and possess people (although she can be resisted, since she's relatively weak) and can't be harmed by conventional weapons (but see Weaknesses below). As a magical creature, she is able to tap into the setting's Background Magic Field, which is how she enables her mage companion to cast spells. She specializes in curses that may not pack as much of a punch as just blasting something in the face, but can have a variety of nasty effects.
Weaknesses: A weapon made of a material known as Cold Iron can harm her and hinder her magical abilities. She's also a bit lacking in direct attacks, having only a couple of rather weak spells for that. Also, if she and the mage are at odds while the latter is attempting to cast a spell, it's unlikely to work. And she can be a bit overconfident at times.
Goals: Asther wants to become more powerful so that she can do more with her tricks than just mess with people. She (initially) uses the mage as a pawn.
Motivation: She's doing this partly out of pride, and partly out of boredom. Eventually, she starts feeling good doing good.
Tropes:

• Anti-Hero: Starts out closer to an outright villain, but her deal-turned-friendship nudges her in this direction. She still has her moments, though.
• Bad Powers, Good People: For a given value of "good," anyway. She specializes in curses, much to the chagrin of her much-less-malicious companion, who encourages her to dial it back.
• Curse: Most of the spells she does. The fact that they're better for incapacitating than outright attacking, and her friend's reluctance to use them, means the duo has to get creative.
• Deal with the Devil: Half the premise of the story. A mage makes a deal with Asther to help increase her power in exchange for sharing it.
• The Fair Folk / Our Demons Are Different: She's a fae, which in this setting is effectively a demon.
• Fire-Forged Friends: The other half of the premise. Both protagonists initially make the deal for selfish reasons, but eventually become genuine friends.
• Genre Savvy: She's been around awhile, so of course she knows a thing or two. Expect loads of lampshading.
• Noodle Incident: How she acquired the skull she wears as a mask is never fully explained.
• Parrot Pet Position: She's about the size of a house cat, and perches on her friend's shoulder or head while traveling.
• Snarky Non-Human Sidekick
• Too Clever by Half: In a nutshell.
• The Trickster

Edited by AgentKirin on Oct 6th 2019 at 3:08:21 AM

Bumping the thread due to inactivity.

Name: James Caesan

Age:24

Personality: A bit thorny initially but as he gains new friends and realizes the world isn't as harsh as it appears he opens up more. A bit of a lust for treasure with a hint of Kleptomania here and there.

Abilities: James is what is called a magi, a race of magic-using humans so naturally he can cast a few spells. He's more proficient with a straight sword however and tends to use it while having his magic support him. He also is quite proficient at scavenging, a given being a relic hunter. Desert survival skills are present too due to living in such a location.

Weaknesses: The standard array of human weaknesses. Specific to him though is him being prone to kleptomania and as a magi running the risk of death by exhaustion via mana consumption.

Goals: Short-term he just wants to get rich, long-term however he wants the betterment of the world around him.

Motivation: Monetary gain typically, but he's not above helping others because it's right.

Role in the story: Main Protagonist, the leader of his soon to be 3-man group.

Relevant tropes: Only in It for the Money (downplayed), The Leader, Heroes Prefer Swords, Magic Knight, Friend to All Children, Had to Be Sharp

Not much to go on, but I can tell he's basically a classical Anti-Hero, not motivated exactly by what a conventional hero would be, but ultimately willing to do what's right.

I like him but I wish there was more material to go on.

Now here's someone I've written about a bit, and who's featured on the Magic the Gathering Create a Card thread. Kind of an odd fit.

• Name: Rick Samuels / Kerrick IX the Rogue.

• Age: Apparently about 21.

• Personality: "The only thing predictable about me...is that I'm unpredictable." Introduced as a shadowy agent helping the Weatherlight Crew escape from the captivity of a group of xenophobic elves on Dominaria, Rick comes off like every bit the dashing rogue, suited for spying, covert operations, smuggling and so forth for the heroes. The reality is a bit more complicated. He originates from New Phyrexia, a Sleeper created in one of the old models with influence from the Red faction. This makes him a deal more empathic, impulsive, emotionally driven and socially driven than the old Kerrick. He is however also still a fundamentally selfish, coy, Double Reverse Quadruple Agent answering to several masters. He's an utter flirt, enjoying teasing people, and its never quite clear where his loyalties really lie. He passes up opportunities to backstab the Crew, but all his good deeds have underlying selfish motivations...

• Abilities: He looks to be a mostly normal human. In reality, he's a Sleeper equipped with a "Phyrexian Battle-Suit", which augments his abilities. He is equipped with a large number of hidden weaponry, not the last being a pair of curved swords capable of slicing through metal easily. These weapons include "Slaying Spheres", exploding harpoons, grappling hooks, potent black mana spell bombs, a flamethrower, and a few others.

• Weaknesses: His nature plus so much as his name makes it difficult to trust him. He's also not exactly the most powerful physically. Having oil blood and being a Phyrexian means white mana healing won't work on him and will in fact harm him.

• Goals: "Whatever I set out to do, I do." He seems to set his goals based on need at the moment, with some vague personal motives.

• Motivation: He claims that something...happened...on New Phyrexia that set him on his current trend. It turns out, he and a Blue Phyrexian named Elga Zol had a rather...odd relationship. She was supposedly just testing his weaponry and equipment. An Angel named Jiroah took offense - perceiving this as "flesh corruption", and killed Elga Zol. Kerrick realized he'd cared for her, beyond her function as his test partner. So while he was selected for use of an "Ur Ambulator", he's not feeling particularly like he's bound to the whims of the current leadership.

• Role in the story: Enigmatic Lovable Rogue. He's the stealth expert, naturally.

• Backstory: Created in the same model as an old Sleeper Agent from the Old Phyrexia as part of a new round of Sleepers brought on by the arrival of someone called "the Shadow Blight", Kerrick was brought to a Blue Phyrexian named Elga Zol to test new weapons and items. Something started to happen there, despite Elga Zol maintaining nothing did. Ultimately however they were spied upon and an Angel named Jiroah made a "urgent judgment" that Elga was corrupting the young Sleeper's purpose. So Jiroah brutally killed Elga Zol, earning Kerrick's anger and the realization of emotion. He was selected for use of a prototype Ur Ambulator, created by study of a Planeswalker Spark. It promptly threw him right to Dominaria...on a stranded ship, just outside the Tolarian Ruins. He drifted and ultimately found himself at just the right place at just the right time.

• Relevant Tropes:
• Absurdly Sharp Blade: His twin swords. They're capable of cutting through Lazotep and a number of other things.
• Adaptive Ability: Some things stay the same - Kerrick is best described as highly adaptive. He doesn't stay flatfooted very long.
• Ambiguous Situation: His memory situation. He has an immediate reaction to seeing Jhoira - something almost like regret. But he can't place where he felt it from.
• Asshole Victim: The Lord High Supreme was a member of an Elven sect of supremacists, and implicitly involved in some downright heinous eugenics type stuff. Pretty good that Rick blew that guy up...
• Call-Back: His custom card design references K'rrik, Son of Yawgmoth - letting you once per turn replace the colored mana in any card's casting cost with Phyrexian Mana.
• Deadpan Snarker: Possesses a dry wit, often remarking on the follies of people who he'd gotten the better of;
  • "What happened with the Lord High Supreme? Oh, he's perfectly in pieces."
  • "...Belzenlok, something tells me you'll take credit for me stubbing my toe this morning."
  • "I'd ask what got you so blue, but maybe its your choice in underlings." (in reference to the Eternals)
• Determinator: Even getting burned by white mana "healing" doesn't make him give up anything. Least of all his recent acquaintances.
• Double Reverse Quadruple Agent: He's ultimately on exactly one side; his own. He plays at loyalty to a lot of people, but ultimately his interests and the new Weatherlight Crew's interests align. He also has sympathy for the circumstances of Red Praetor Urabrask. That said, he does pass up a lot of opportunities to backstab the heroes.
  • Making it even clearer, it becomes obvious the Phyrexians need the Ur Ambulator back to get a handle on how it works so as to properly spread, as other attempts have utterly failed. Kerrick asserts he's "still working" and puts trying to go back to New Phyrexia off. Over and over and over again.
• Everyone Has Standards: Slippery, Phyrexian Customer he may be, but he outright decided to ruin the Elf Sect when they implicitly asked him to deliver slave cargo to them.
  • "I value my freedom. And I'll never take that away from someone else."
  • He does seem to dislike what his past iteration did.
  • He staunchly rejects serving Nicol Bolas at all. "Don't much care for his short leash approach. I get enough of that back home!"
• From Bad to Worse: His experience in the Ravnica Arc. He gets dumped on the Plane by his Ur Ambulator acting up, and is framed for the death of Isperia. His name is cleared, but only because he's being pursued for other things, including by minions of Bolas who want to know about that Ur Ambulator. He's almost captured and put into an Azorius Detention Camp, he gets "healed" by a pair of agents working with Dovin Baan, and still refuses to cough up the info. Rick escapes, and then promptly gets sucked into the War of the Spark.
• Hot-Blooded: Many of his missions are passion driven and he very much invokes passion combined with self interest.
• In the Hood: His Hood seems to have an additional magical effect - he can disguise himself with it as anyone with a thin illusion spell while its up. Contact with living things disrupts it, so he needs to be careful.
• It's Personal: Played with; Karn understandably is among the most wary of him, considering his affiliations and such, but is surprised by his individuality and how steadfast he is with Weatherlight.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Deep...deep down there.
  • He certainly didn't have to stay loyal when confronted by
• Lovable Rogue: Played with; he puts on the act well enough, being coy, flirty and a damn good rogue, but again, he's a Phyrexian and named for an infamously treacherous character.
• Mr. Fanservice: Rick is, keeping with the book description, much like the original model in human form - a blond, muscular Adonis. He is also a consummate flirt and prone to using his looks for his advantage as a spy.
  • Jhoira: I'm not falling for his charms twice.
• Redeeming Replacement: To a degree. He's with the heroes, but he's still a shady customer by necessity.
• Token Heroic Orc: Of a sort. He's...decent-ish. He and the heroes' goals converge, and even though he obviously grows attached, his first concern is his own ends. They just so happen to for now involve liking the Crew's presence.
  • He is also this in light of being black and red, mostly identified with the Rakdos Cult.
• Venturous Smuggler: How he made his living up until crossing paths with the Weatherlight Crew. "Name's Rick. I get things where they need to be, whether the powerful people like it or not!"
• What Is This Feeling?: In contrast to most of his kindred, being influenced by black and red mana, he is at once free-spirited, selfish, passionate and driven to acquire more than just what's ordained for him.
• Yank the Dog's Chain: Just when it seemed like after Belzenlok was dust that he was making real headway and realized "I feel like I kind of belong"...then his Ur Ambulator acts up and he's in Ravnica, a stranger in a strange land, and pursued for something he didn't do.

Edited by NickTheSwing on Nov 10th 2019 at 10:38:48 AM

Let's see. Rick Samuels, a.k.a Kerrick IX the Rogue. I'm not familiar with Magic the Gathering AT ALL, so don't expect a high quality critique here, especially regarding his abilities. All things said, I find him interesting personality wise. A rogue with a flirty streak and Double Reverse Quadruple Agent? That's not something you see everyday. A character with such an allegiance and role gives you flexibility in developing them, but be careful to not overdo it. Also, his weaknesses are logical.
Too bad no one with better knowledge on Magic the Gathering posted a critique on Kerrick, but the thread was dormant for so long, that I decided to step in. I wish I did a better job, Nick The Swing.

Anyway, I'll be showing you a reworked version of one of my previous heroes I posted here on Hero Critique Thread. Shinjiro Kusanagi, the protagonist for my planned High School Dx D / Shin Megami Tensei crossover. I know it's the second rework, but I want to improve the character as much as I can.

• Name: Shinjiro Kusanagi Real Name: Shinjiro Daidouji
• Age: 17
• Personality: Shinjiro is calm and friendly adolescent, who is well known for taking his responsibilities (both school and demon-related ones) seriously and keeping his head cool even in most dire situations. That, combined with him being one of very few males in Kuoh Academy who is not a complete pervert like Issei makes him very popular with the girls. Although he sees his popularity as a slight annoyance, he often uses it to ask girls about rumors going around in Kuoh, as some of them may be demon activity.
  
  When dealing with demons or other supernatural entities, he keeps his friendly and calm attitude, even when dealing with hostile ones. But, towards those he dislikes or even hates, he acts incredibly flippant, casually mouthing them off and showing enjoyment at taunting and humiliating them. Most of the time, he gets what he wants from the demons through his negotiating skills alone, be it demon recruitment, getting vital information or obtaining Macca. Because of his friendly approach, all of his demons are very loyal towards him, to the point where they would still follow him even if their contract binding them together was nullified.
  
  Among his most loyal demons (and the most commonly used) are Genma Frost Ace, Fairy High Pixie, Femme Lilim and Tyrant Amon. Frost Ace and High Pixie were formerly normal Jack Frost and Pixie respectively and Shinji's first demons. They evolved on their own to help their master avenge his master and Parental Substitute. Lilim's devotion comes from her love towards Shinjiro. While he treats her like most trusted friend, she wished they were more. But, seeing that she is a demon, she understands why their relationship isn't meant to be. If she could, she would become a human or a true Devil, not an "imitation" made out of Magnetite. Amon on the other hand formerly belonged to Shinji's master. But as a result of a tragedy that ended their master's life, Amon formed a contract with Shinjiro to protect him and help him grow stronger, so the boy could claim his revenge. From time to time, Amon tries to convince Shinji to become a Devil to claim even more power, but the boy always refused the offer. They still both respect and care for each other.
  
  Some people question his friendship with Issei, as they are polar opposites. There are rumors that Issei is blackmailing him and is trying to use his popularity to get the girls. However, the truth is much different - friendship between them is genuine. They became friends after Issei saved Shinjiro from a drunk driver. While Issei tries to infect Shinji with his perversion and the other wants to the opposite, they still trust each other. Regardless of the rumors, people can see Shinjiro's good influence on Issei by seeing the latter's improving grades.
• Appearance: Like this: [1] (Also pictured: his Lilim. Notice how she looks different from other SMT Lilims)
• Abilities: Like all Kuzunoha summoners, Shinjiro was trained in the arts of the Demon Summoning, swordsmanship and marksmanship. In addition, he's also trained in judo and boxing. Shinjiro is also good at improvising, whenever it is at school or in combat. What makes him stand out from his fellow Summoners is his unnaturally high Magnetite aptitude [to the uninitiated - Magnetite is a substance that the demons are made out of and humans are a rich source of it], allowing him to command demons stronger than him and his Sacred Gear - Demonic Vessel. It allows him to channel or trap demons within his body and use their powers as his own with almost no risks or downsides. Aside from the abilities, he'll also gain the elemental resistances of a demon or other supernatural entity inhabiting his body. As of now, being a host of Tyrant Amon grants him resistance to Physical, Gun, Light and Dark-type attacks, immunity towards Charm ailment and heal from Fire attacks. As for the skills, he gains access to plethora of Amon's devastating skills, including Megidolaon and Megido Fire.
• Weaknesses:He's still a human. By taking out his demons, you will limit his combat capabilities. Additionally, his Sacred Gear is a double-edged sword. He not only gains the demon's resistances, but also their elemental weaknesses. Thanks to Amon, Shinjiro is vulnerable towards Ice attacks. Not to mention, Shinjiro must first build up more stamina to use more powerful skills gained from his Sacred Gear, like the aforementioned Amon's Megidolaon.
• Goals: Defend Japan (and in extension, all of humanity) from the supernatural threats, avenge his adoptive father's death
• Motivation: A sense of duty (protecting Japan); his love for his adoptive father and burning anger towards his murderer (Vengeance).

• Relevant Tropes:
  • Legacy Character: He's the 22nd of the demon summoner line to inherit the title "Geirin Kuzunoha", one of the Four Great Summoners of Kuzunoha Clan
  • Reports of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated: Fallen Angels thought he died due to his Sacred Gear's Power Incontinence. Suffice to say, they were wrong.
  • The Musketeer: Good enough with a blade to beat Xenovia and Yuuto, and deadly with a revolver.P
  • Dangerous 16th Birthday: He was also affected by the Daidouji curse
  • You Killed My Father: Adoptive father, but still. Because of this, he greatly dislikes Fallen Angels. Particularly, Raynare (for murdering his adoptive father, attacking Issei and trying to steal Asia's Sacred Gear) and Kokabiel (who ordered Raynare to kill Shinjiro's father)
  • It's Personal: Rescuing Asia became this once he learns that Raynare wants to steal her Sacred Gear (and kill Asia as a result).
  • Restrained Revenge: Towards Kalawarner, who was also a part of Fallen Angel ambush in which his father died, and Azazel, who wanted to kidnap him to study his Sacred Gear. Kalawarner became his and his cousin Asahi's maid, while Azazel had to make him a new revolver (his previous one... exploded while trying to kill Kokabiel. See Dangerous Forbidden Technique below why it exploded)
  • Symbiotic Possession: Relationship between him and Amon in a nutshell
  • Combination Attack: His demons can infuse his sword or gun with magic, giving them elemental attribute and increasing damage done. The most commonly used are Ice Shot (Frost Ace), Shock Slash (High Pixie), Wind Blast (Lilim) and Inferno Shot (Amon)
    • Dangerous Forbidden Technique: An experimental Combination Art developed with Amon, called Armageddon Shot. Shinjiro infuses his gun with Megidolaon or other high tier Almighty-type spell. Although it drains a lot of SP and there is a high risk of blowing up the gun AND his arm, the shot is deadly. When he tried to use it on Kokabiel, his revolver exploded and almost lost his right hand. But, he almost killed the Fallen Angel. If it weren't for demons supporting Kokabiel, he would've died shortly after.
  • Broken Ace: Like Kiba, he's strong, smart and popular. And, also like him, his obsession about revenge almost destroyed him. Thankfully, Amon kept his temper in check.
  • Mr. Fanservice: He has an athletic build. Just look here (also pictured: Setsuna): [2] No wonder girls at Kuoh Academy have a crush on him.
  • Only Sane Man: One of very few students who is not a pervert or can at least control their urges. He's almost always the first to pull Screw This, I'm Out of Here! to not get dragged into Issei's antics. Also, he would never participate in "Grabbin' Dragon", even if he was paid a billion Macca.
  • Submissive Badass: To Yamato and Miyako Hotsuin, out of respect and shared goals
  • Chick Magnet: He rivals Kiba in terms of attracting girls. He knows this and dreads the Valentine's Day because of this.
  • Unwanted Harem: Much to his dismay, he's got several suitors (in chronological order): Setsuna (on the second picture), Kalawarner, Momo Hanakai, Tsubasa Yura, Sona Sitri, Miyako Hotsuin, Kuroka, Seekvaria Agares.
  • She's Not My Girlfriend: His usual reaction when asked about this relationship with either Miyako, Sona or Setsuna. Especially Setsuna. No one buys this, even Issei, much to his (and Miyako's) chagrin. It get downplayed in later chapters, as he would admit he wouldn't mind dating one of them.
  • Foil: To Issei. They would both admit it during one of their serious conversations (as in, Issei not talking about girls at all).
  • Odd Friendship: With Issei and Mittelt
  • Loophole Abuse: How he managed to enter Rating Game against Riser without becoming a member of Rias' peerage. King's Pact Magician can participate in stead of another member of the peerage if they don't participate for some reason. As Gasper wasn't available at the time, Shinjiro took his place.
  • Team Dad: He sorta took this position for the Occult Research Club
  • Honorary True Companion: To Rias and Sona's peerages. He can't join either of their peerages due to his respon
  • Parental Abandonment: His real parents have died shortly after he was born. They were devoured by a hungry demon. His high Magnetite aptitude attracted it like magnet attracts metal. The revelation put him through a Heroic BSoD. Thankfully, Issei and Setsuna helped him recover
  • No-Sell: During Rating Game, Yubelluna couldn't even scratch him. Her Fire magic was rendered useless, thanks to Amon inhabiting his body.
  • Oh, Crap!: That was Riser's reaction once he realized that Amon, demon inhabiting Shinjiro's body, wasn't lying about being THE Amon, Pure-Blooded Devil that fought during the Great War and the progenitor of Amon clan, when he saw Shinjiro manifest the clan symbol during Rating Game.
  • Groin Attack: He threatened Diodora to castrate him if he even tried to get close to Asia. He ALMOST did that with his katana, but Rias stopped him mid-swing to interrogate him about Old Satan Faction
  • Power Fist: He hides knuckle dusters in his pockets as emergency weapons. Freed learned that hard way, with a few lost teeth.
  • For Want Of A Nail: Because of his involvement, some characters avoid their canon deaths. That includes: Kalawarner, Mittelt and Dohnaseek (it helps that they are Adaptational Nice Guy), Asia (but she is still reincarnated as Devil), Asahi, Kaga, Boss (Asahi's father) and Nikkari.
  • Long-Lost Relative: He is this to Asahi Daidouji in the crossover
  • Replacement Goldfish: He's this to Amon, as he reminds him of his deceased son
  • Shout-Out: When Issei was told he was reincarnated as a Devil, Shinjiro told him this:

@Daidouji

Please bring back Raidou Kuzunoha, Atlus, we miss him...

In all seriousness, cool character. Usually, I'm not the biggest fan of fan characters basically filling in for canon roles, but you managed to make it work, considering everything you've told me about the setting (the Akashic Records crashing, universes colliding, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria). It's Justified: he's Issei as Issei could be in another universe, and since the two of them are sharing the 'verse', it avoids the lazy pitfall I see of just having a fan character going through the same actions as the canon character, dialogue and all.

Holy fuckaroni, I hate that.

So long as you avoid that pitfall and make sure Daidouji is his own character and not just Issei with thin layer of paint, he has a lot of potential. If he's really similar to Issei, the uncanny resemblance at times could lead to some existential horror of a truly hilarious kind if you so choose to take it in that direction.

As for characterization, it's nice to see a Broken Ace, those are always interesting. He and Issei can bond over their hatred of Fallen Angels: yay Fantastic Racism! Again, he strikes me as Issei without the perversion holding him back, but with a slew of other problems in its place. I also find it kind of ironic that Amon is the one pulling him back from blind, raging vengeance when Amon represents Wrath in the event Satan isn't available.

So that's my review: here's my writeup for...well, if all goes well, it won't be a Daily Life with Monster Girl story. I'm using it as a jumping-off point, but I hope to make it its own 'verse' at the end of the day. The entry has two characters, and I'm not sure if that's breaking the rules of this forum; unlike Hel and Heimdall on the Villain Critique Thread, the two aren't The Dividual. But their interactions are so core to their arc that their profiles wouldn't make much sense unless you can compare them.

So the setting is...well, you could call it 'Post-Interspecies Exchange Bill'. At this point, extraspecies are so ubiquitous that no one gives a Lamia slithering down the street a second glance. We have marriages and no one bats an eye. The issues and events that the characters go through won't be the wacky, fanservice-y hijinks like in Okayado's work, but day-to-day, remarkably human drama.

Alright, enough rambling. Without further ado, Jackie el-Shakir and Praline LaCroix.

Name: Laaiqa 'Jackie' el-Shakir

A 27-year-old anubis (jackal-girl) from Suez, Egypt. An avid hunter and fisher for as long as she can remember, she practically leaped at the chance to be an Interspecies Exchange Student over in the United States, seeing this as her chance to fulfil her lifelong dream of being an American citizen, and challenge herself against the local game in the meantime. She works at Frank's country store as a butcher.

Relevant Tropes

• Adorkable : When her stoic demeanor drops and she gives those awkward little grins of hers. And when she's nerding out over her collection.
• Aloof Dark-Haired Girl: Soft-spoken, but friendly nonetheless if approached.
• Armor-Piercing Question: "Would that make you happy, Praline?"
• Armor-Piercing Response: When Praline is demanding to know why Jackie, a Republican, is being so nice to her all the time. When Jackie sincerely replies that Praline looked lonely, Praline is cut to her very core.
• Attempted Rape: On the receiving end of this from Tia: if Praline hadn’t distracted the dragonewt, Tia would have been successful.
• Badass Adorable: Hot and a crack shot with a rifle.
• Berserk Button: Gets comically annoyed whenever someone says something inaccurate about guns: the term 'full semi-automatic' gets her goat quite nicely.
  • Illegal immigration: being an immigrant herself, she feels illegal immigrants cheat the system and try to take the easy way, when she busted her ass to get naturalized the proper way.
• Black Republican: A gun-totin', truck-drivin', meat-munchin', flag-flyin' conservative...from Egypt.
• Bleed 'Em and Weep: Jackie has killed hundreds of animals in her life, and touches death constantly as part of her job as a butcher, but nothing could have prepared her for the emotional toll of taking the life of another person, even someone as horrible as Tia. As the adrenaline wears off, Jackie breaks down sobbing both from what she did and the fate she just narrowly avoided by doing so.
• Classical Music Is Cool: Loves classical music, and often listens to it when butchering a kill, her favorite being Shostakovich's Piano Concerto #2.
• Crazy Survivalist: Subverted: at first, her colossal collection of firearms pegs her as this, but in reality, she's just a gun nerd.
• Cute Bookworm: Less 'cute' and more 'sexy', but Jackie's an avid reader of Field and Stream and a big fan of Tom Clancy (her favorite being Rainbow Six). We can thank Agent Bloch for introducing her to Clancy's works.
• Daddy's Girl: Her father Ajej taught her everything she knows about hunting and fishing: she idolizes the man.
• Deadpan Snarker: Not often, but when Jackie gets angry it manifests as calm, soft-spoken, razor-sharp sarcasm.
• Death Glare: The last thing Tia sees is Jackie staring down the sights of her Guardian 9mm with a glare that could fell a tree.
• Do Not Call Me "Paul": It's Jackie now, not Laaiqa, and she gets a little annoyed if people don't call her by her new name.
• Flawless Token: Averted. Despite being one of the only women at the lodge and (apparently) the only extraspecies, Jackie is no better or worse than any of the men: she's got triumphant moments and not-so-triumphant moments. She's not superhuman (disregarding her incredible sense of smell), but perfectly competent and can pull her weight as a member of the lodge.
• Feminine Women Can Cook: In spite of her more masculine hobbies, Jackie definitely leans more toward the feminine in her mannerisms and dress sense, and she knows her way around a stove, usually cooking up what she herself has hunted.
• Furry Reminder: Often sleeps curled up in front of the fireplace like a dog.
• Girly Girl with a Tomboy Streak: A masculine love of baseball, hunting and fishing, but wears dresses off the trail and has more feminine mannerisms.
• Great White Hunter: Well, she's not white, but she loves hunting and is damn good at it. She shows great respect for her quarry: when she accidentally hits a deer with a badly-placed hip shot that would condemn it to a slow, painful death, she's dour and depressed for the rest of the day for embarrassing herself in front of her hunting buddies.
• Gun Nut: Jackie. Loves. Guns. She carries a Dan Wesson Guardian 9mm, goes dutifully to the gun range twice a week, she will talk your ear off about the minutia of firearms if given cause, and most of her spending money goes to furthering her already rather impressive arsenal.
• The Idealist: A firm believer in The American Dream, and usually if not always gives others the benefit of the doubt. This puts her in contrast with Praline, who is cynical to the point of paranoid.
• Immigrant Patriotism: Despite being born and raised in Egypt, Jackie is a red-blooded American at heart: she's not boorishly 'Murican, though, and delights in showing off by cooking recipes from Egypt for the lodge.
• Intergenerational Friendship: With Mike, a grizzled old hunter who frankly reminds her of her dad. Turns out that as a zombie, Mike is even older than he looks.
• Innocently Insensitive: When she starts going on about her gun collection, she's so into it she doesn't notice Praline cringing away from the firearms like they're covered in roaches.
• Knife Nut: Subverted: she uses a folding karambit for her hunting knife, but it's pure utility: she finds it gives her a steadier, safer grip when field dressing an animal.
• Leitmotif: Ashokan Farewell, a soothing, melancholy violin and guitar tune perfect for the calm, quiet-living anubis and a counterpoint to Saoirse's similar, upbeat theme that incorporates the same instruments.
• Light Feminine and Dark Feminine: Dark to Praline's light, being taller, slimmer and dark-haired/furred, and having more masculine hobbies like hunting and meatcutting.
• Motor Mouth: Tends to talk very quickly when showing off her arsenal.

• Noble Wolf: She's a jackal-like anubis, and easily the most well-balanced and mature of the three main characters.
• No Sense of Humor: Not in the sense of being a killjoy or overly dour, but it's almost impossible to get a laugh out of Jackie. Jokes at her expense bounce off harmlessly, and she almost never makes quips of her own.
• Not So Stoic:
  • After messing up on a deer hunt and hitting her target with a hip shot: a slow, agonizing death. It's only through great effort that she doesn't start crying after embarrassing herself in front of the lodge.
  • After shooting Tia, Jackie holds it together long enough to call 911, check to see if Praline is alright and reassure her that she'll be fine. Then she calmly walks to the bathroom, pukes her guts up and breaks down sobbing as the adrenaline wears off and the weight of what nearly happened to her and of killing another person for the first time hits her in full.
• Odd Friendship: On one hand, Praline is hot-blooded, outgoing, left-leaning, politically active and proudly gay. Jackie is shy, stoic, conservative, disinterested in politics and drama, and straight. Ultimately, they become best friends. The two end up learning from each other as they interact: Jackie learns to stand up to those who abuse their power, even if she's not affected by them right away: injustice is injustice, and eventually injustice hurts everyone. Meanwhile Praline learns to calm down and see the nuance of situations instead of rushing in in a righteous rage trying to fix injustice that may not be there.
• Oh, Crap!: In the split-second when she realizes that her breathing is off and she's about to miss a once-in-a-lifetime shot, but she's already committed to pulling the trigger.
  • Later, after Tia deflects three 9mm bullets with her armored scales and knocks the gun from Jackie's hands.
• One of the Boys: Not overtly tomboyish, but her love of baseball, hunting and fishing is traditionally masculine and she's perfectly comfortable around the male members of the hunting lodge.
• Patriotic Fervor: She's a proud American...one who just happens to have been born and raised in Egypt.
• Petting-Zoo People: Anubis are a kobold subspecies native to the Middle East. Like their cousins, they have coarse fur covering their entire bodies, pads on their palms, and wolfish noses, ears and tails.
• Scars Are Forever: Has a small scar through her right eyebrow, leaving a bald patch in her fur. It's from when she was seven: she scoped herself with a .308. She points it out to make Praline feel better after the catgirl got a similar injury at the gun range.
• Smoking Is Not Cool: Finds smoking incredibly distasteful for a personal reason on top of the obvious health issues it causes people: her powerful nose makes the smell of it unbearable, even more than it would be for non-smoking humans.
• Sniper Rifle: She's the proud owner of an impressive arsenal, but her favorite is a suppressed Savage Arms 10SBA bolt-action rifle.
• Stating the Simple Solution: Has a tendency to do this (suggesting Praline gets a gun if she feels her sexuality puts her in danger). It sometimes comes off as insensitive, but many times it's what someone needs to stop overcomplicating something and take action.
• The Stoic: Usually straight-faced and unreadable. Her awkward little smiles are the rough equivalent of ear-to-ear beaming.
• Super-Senses: She's quite proud of her nose. Anubis have incredible senses of smell, even among the Kobold species, making her bar-none the best tracker in the entire lodge.
• Tomboy and Girly Girl: Has this dynamic with Jackie: while Jackie's femininity is counterbalanced by her love of hunting and enjoyment of meat-cutting, Praline is a patissier and girly through and through.
• Trademark Favorite Food: Meat. More specifically hearts, particularly deer heart.
• Tranquil Fury: Jackie doesn't raise her voice: when she gets angry, she gets deathly calm and brutally sarcastic.

• Wall of Weapons: Not just the one wall: one of the rooms in her house looks like it was displaced out of an actual gun shop.
• Werewolf Theme Naming: She's a nonhuman with canine features, and while her original name, Laaiqa, doesn't mean 'wolf' or anything like that in Arabic, it's a homophone for 'lyca', as in 'lycanthrope'.
• What the Hell Is That Accent?: An unfortunate result of Jackie living in Vermont for five years is the slow mutation of her Egyptian accent to a weird hybrid. Whatever it is, Praline practically melted the first time she heard it.
• Where Are They Now Epilogue: Her photos are her continuing to work at Frank’s, getting naturalized as an American citizen, welcoming her father as he comes to visit the States, and the two going on a big cross-country hunting tour together.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: As much as Jackie loves the great outdoors, there's one thing about them she could do without: she is utterly terrified of bees and wasps. She's not overly fond of needles either.

Name: Praline LaCroix

A sheltered, excitable 23-year-old Cat Girl whose family immigrated to Vermont from Paris, France. While big-hearted and empathetic, these same qualities often work against her when combined with her rashness, relative naivete and black-and-white thinking. Her entrenchment in identity politics is challenged by a growing crush on her co-worker Jackie, who represents everything Praline (apparently) hates.

Relevant Tropes

• Achievements in Ignorance: Despite getting a nasty black eye from scope bite and the recoil knocking her on her ass, Praline's attempt at shooting at a target depicting a terrorist with a pistol hits, by pure luck, right up the barrel of the terrorist's gun.
• Act of True Love: Attacks Tia with zero regard for her own well-being in order to stop her from raping Jackie. It gets her a set of broken ribs, but the act distracts Tia long enough for Jackie to grab her gun off the ground and put the dragonewt down for good.
• Aroused by Their Voice: She finds Jackie's accent incredibly sexy.
• Be Yourself: A major Aesop of her arc: between feeling she needs to buy into every lesbian stereotype to be 'valid' and trying to get into firearms (which she hates) in order to impress Jackie, Praline truly becomes happy only when she starts following her heart and acting as she feels she should.
• Broken Bird: Subverted. Praline's life isn't all that bad, but she considers herself this because her 'friends' online are picking away at her psyche, convincing her that the world sees her as broken and strange. Notably, it’s when she stops being cold, bitter and needlessly confrontational that she becomes more genuinely confident and strong, to the point she saves Jackie from Tia.
• The Cynic: To the point of paranoia: she expects the absolute worst of everyone around her and is excruciatingly slow to trust others. Despite her bluster and pretense at being fine as she is, it's clear that she's starved for friendship, but too scared to pursue it.
• Doesn't Like Guns: She doesn't just have a distaste for them: Praline is straight-up hoplophobic. She's terrified of guns and the people who wield them, thanks to her 'friends' online stoking her paranoia and feeding her the idea of gun-owners being trigger-happy, homophobic psychopaths. Her attempt at getting over this to impress Jackie only made it worse, as she ended up giving herself a wicked case of scope bite (a very painful black eye from putting your eye too close to the scope: the recoil will cause the scope to lurch back and dig into the shooter's eye), and she ends up running out of the range wailing about how much she hates guns.
• Eagleland: Sees America as a whole as The Boorish, though ironically her own personality puts her in that category, being an insufferable SJW (at first).
• Edible Theme Naming: She, like most other catfolk in the story, is named after a confectionery. Her parents are likewise named after sweets: her father is named Mendiant and her mother is Madeleine.
• Elegant Classical Musician: Plays the piano: this is one of the things that initially she and Jackie manage to connect with.
• Expy: Between her name, species and occupation, Praline is basically a Nekopara character.
• French Jerk: At first. As people finally start showing her the affection and kindness she had been starved of, she mellows out.
• The Friend Nobody Likes: At first. Her virtue signaling and Gayngst irritates her co-workers to no end. As Jackie reaches out to her, Praline slowly mellows out and makes other friends in the shop.
• Furry Reminder: Kneads her pillow before going to sleep.
• Gayngst: Actively tries to invoke this: thanks to her Poisonous Friends online, she's got it in her head that Gayngst is a rite-of-passage and she's somehow not a 'proper lesbian' without it. This results in her finding homophobia in literally everything and coming off as an irritating, Wangsty, buffoonish Conspiracy Theorist to gay and straight people alike in her antics. It does become a little bit more justified when Jackie turns her down, but her rash, angry act of ranting about it online to her ‘friends’ ends up blowing up in a way she never intended.
• Heal the Cutie: Initially an embittered, taciturn, Gayngst-riddled wreck, Praline slowly comes out of her shell through her friendship with Jackie: by the end of the story she's confident, cheerful and friendly.
• Hidden Depths: Jackie is absolutely stunned when she hears Praline sing for the first time: she has the voice of an angel. She also turns out to be terrifyingly good with the Thousand Sons after Saoirse introduces her to the game (disclaimer: the fact the Thousand Sons have an Egyptian motif is entirely coincidental and irrelevant).
• I Just Want to Have Friends: The underlying crux of her issues is her social ineptitude keeping her from having friends. The 'friends' she finds online turn out to be the worst sort of medicine for this, keeping her in a perpetual victimhood mentality and pushing her further into isolation and bitterness in a vicious cycle.
• Jerkass Realization: The biggest moment that began Praline's Character Development is when she tried to manipulate Dean, the owner of the local gun shop and a friend of Jackie, into discriminating against her for her sexuality. It resulted in Dean obliviously trying to help her find a pistol for Praline's nonexistent girlfriend; Praline is so embarrassed by her miscalculation that she runs out of the store, and is approached later by a furious Jackie, who realized what Praline had been going for. Praline asks to be taken home: she wants to be alone to take a hard look at herself.
• Incompatible Orientation: Has a huge crush on Jackie: if Jackie does swing that way, she's not interested in Praline romantically.
• Leitmotif: Debussy’s Clair de Lune: it’s her favorite song, the one she’s best at on the piano and the one she initially plays on it in the story, and her ringtone.
• Light Feminine and Dark Feminine: The light to Jackie's dark: she's shorter, curvier and lighter in skin and hair than Jackie, and more traditionally feminine in personality.
• Lipstick Lesbian: A prim, proper and ladylike lesbian.
• Magical Queer: Subverted, subverted, SUBVERTED, as much as she believes herself to be this initially.
• Moral Myopia: Overcoming this is the key to her becoming a better person. After seeing her online 'friends' go after Jackie, who treated her well despite being on the opposite political and sexual spectrum, Praline finally has a Jerkass Realization as it sinks in that doing horrible things to people you disagree with is very rarely justified.
• My God, What Have I Done?: When she realizes that she made Jackie a target for Tia after ranting about how the anubis turned her down to her: namely, when it sinks in how utterly deranged Tia truly is.
• No Social Skills: Jackie realizes that this, rather than malice, is Praline's problem. The catgirl’s sheltered upbringing and toxic advice from her online social circle causes her to lash out and makes it difficult to connect to others, so Jackie keeps at it, showing her basic kindness and trying to befriend her, until Praline can't ignore her cognitive dissonance and realizes that not everyone on the 'other side' is a strawman bad person.
• Odd Friendship: On one hand, Praline is hot-blooded, left-leaning, politically active, incredibly sensitive and proudly gay. Jackie is shy, stoic, conservative, disinterested in politics and drama, has a tendency to be brutally blunt, and she's straight. By the end of the story, the two are best friends. They end up learning from each other as they interact: Jackie learns to stand up to those who abuse their power, even if she's not affected by them right away: injustice is injustice, and eventually injustice hurts everyone. Meanwhile Praline learns to calm down and see the nuance of situations instead of rushing in in a righteous rage trying to fix injustice that may not be there.
• Open Mouth, Insert Foot: She gets so wound up during her first argument with Saoirse that she blurts out her big secret without thinking. Granted, she thought that Saoirse already knew.
• Parental Neglect: Praline's wealthy, hard-working parents don't give her nearly the attention she needs, worsening her condition.
• Poisonous Friend: Has a whole bunch of them on social media. Breaking away from them in favor of real friends and standing up to their ringleader Tia is Praline's ultimate redemptive moment.
• Punched Across the Room: Her attempt to attack Tia from behind earns her a rib-shattering punch that sends her tumbling across the floor of Jackie’s place.
• Sour Outside, Sad Inside: Despite Praline being a raging Jerkass, Jackie realizes that beneath Praline's anger and bluster is a scared little girl crying out for help and affection.
• Supreme Chef: Works as a baker in a country store, and is damn good at it.
• Tomboy and Girly Girl: Has this dynamic with Jackie: while Jackie's femininity is counterbalanced by her love of hunting and enjoyment of meat-cutting, Praline is girly through and through.
• Took a Level in Kindness: Through her friendship with Jackie, Praline slowly allows herself to be vulnerable again. As she learns that the vast majority of the people she meets don’t really care about her sexuality, and are in fact willing to be friends with her, Praline slowly realizes that the world’s not out to get her, and becomes accordingly a lot nicer to others now that she no longer feels like she’s at war with everyone around her.
• "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue: Her photos depict her continuing to work at Frank's and hanging out with Jackie and Saoirse, and later an unidentified catgirl. The pictures of her and the other catgirl slowly get more romantic in nature until finally, there’s a series of photos of the two getting married.
• Wolverine Claws: Her nails are protractible, and can extend into claws at will.
• Wrong Genre Savvy: Seems dead-certain she is in the most clichéd tragic Queer YA novel about a lesbian who is horrifically mistreated by everyone around her for her sexuality, whereas she's actually in a cheery Slice of Life story where the only one who really gives a damn either way about the fact she's a lesbian is her. Unfortunately, her hyper-vigilance toward keeping herself in the closet and misattributed bitterness toward everyone around her cause her no end of problems.
• You No Take Candle: She’s only just getting a hang of English by the beginning, and it shows: she has a hard time with grammar, syntax and pronunciation. At one point when screaming at Jackie, she gets so wound up that she gives up and lapses completely back into French (at which point Jackie just kind of waits for her to get it out of her system). She gets much better as time goes on and she’s exposed to the language, and by the end all that’s left is the accent.

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Feb 14th 2022 at 12:16:51 PM

Thank you for your kind words. But, Shinjiro is much different from Issei. Sure, he has an Unwanted Harem. However, he deep down hates this. Unlike Issei, he's aware of girls' feelings for him, but he thinks their love is not genuine. In his eyes, their feelings for him are shallow, they are simply infatuated with him. An important part of the story will be about girls proving that their love to him is genuine. Starting with Setsuna. And, even then, he wouldn't go for Marry Them All route, unless I decide to go with Reincarnated Devil route (technically Chaos route) for the story. But, if this was a game, this ending would be a Guide Dang It! situation (the key to it all is Setsuna).
Regarding Amon. He wants to prevent Shinjiro from repeating his mistakes and tries to teach him how to properly channel his wrath. How to change his animosity into power and unleash it (Arsene, Persona 5).

In truth, I wanted him to be SMT counterpart of Yuuto. Both are called at Kuoh "Price Charming", both are expert swordsmen, both are Broken Ace and both have access to powerful swords (so far, I've decided to let Shinjiro get Kusanagi-no-Tsurugi and Red Rider's Terror Blade). They have more in common, but I don't think it's now the time to list all of it.

If no one in week's time write a critique of your characters, I'll do it. I have a certain Technopath to work on.

Now, to fulfill my promise. I know, late, but it's better than never.
Because I wasn't all that interested in Daily Life with Monster Girl, I didn't know what to write at first. But, now I'm ready.
I find the chemistry between Jackie and Praline to be an interesting one. I especially like Praline's whole Character Development and her accepting the Incompatible Orientation with Jackie. Both characters have well balanced personalities. I like how their story is going to be mature and have good proportion between sweet and tearjerking. I wish my critique was of better quality, but I don't know what else to write.
Now that's out of the way, it's time to fulfill the other part of the promise - present the Technopath for my novel - the slightly cynical, yet still heroic Pavel (or Paul) Orzechowski.

• Name: Paweł Orzechowski (people call him Pavel or Paul)
• Age: 22 during Eurasian War, 24 during Japan storyline (the main focus of the critique), 32 during Arcadia Island storyline
• Personality: Paul is a slightly cynical Parahuman from Poland, who despite believing that Humans Are Bastards and the world is a Crapsack World, he still fights to make a change, be it with goodness or violence. He can be at times rude, but he means well in the end. Loves listening to music, metal in general (with the likes of Iron Maiden, BABYMETAL and Judas Priest being among his favorites) and dislikes politics in general, blind obedience and any kind of discrimination. He used to be an Extreme Doormat towards his family, but something inside of him snapped after getting fed up with his brother. As a result, he avoids his family. That, and because he thinks of himself poorly because of missing right eye and arm.
  Before the war, he was a bit of a coward, who was afraid of dying senselessly. But, as consequence of losing his eye due to grenade shrapnel, losing his right arm in a terrorist attack and being forced to witness his comrades die during Eurasian War, he no longer cares if he dies or not. He might be even secretly yearning for death. As a result, he became even more dangerous than ever. To defeat someone, he's ready to sacrifice his life to accomplish his goal.
  He most of the time acts neutrally. But, those he deems trusted friends, have seen his kinder side. If someone wants to talk with him about a topic he likes and knows a lot, he'll become very enthusiastic and friendly. For this particular reason, he bonded with his ward, a Chuunibyou Haruka Kobayashi (despite disliking her mannerisms).
• Abilities: Paul is a powerful Technopath (a variant of Psychic Powers). He can reprogram machines, control them through commands, possess them (taking direct control over them), empower machines with his powers, cause machinery to go haywire. Regarding his hacking powers, they are almost undetectable. If given a chance (like a good hiding spot where he can rest), he could hack into Pentagon and no one would've noticed until it was too late. In addition to this, he is naturally a fast learner when it comes to piloting vehicles. He learns how to operate much faster than others due to natural affinity to technology in general.
  In addition, he's a decent sharpshooter and knows how to use a sword thanks to being a member of HEMA (Historic European Martial Arts) before the war. He favors Polish Saber the most.
• Weaknesses: His powers can be easily countered by usage of EMP. Parahumans with Psychic or Electromagnetic powers can easily neutralize him. Psychic assaults can prevent him from using his powers, while electromagnetic powers can shut down machinery he controls (for example his drones or robots). In addition, using too much of his power can cause severe migraines or even make him lose consciousness. He needs to take naps to recover.
• Goals and motivation: Repay Kobayashi family for providing him with prosthesis eye and arm by serving them, destroy Pure Humanity Army terrorist group to avenge his fallen comrades and pay them back for the missing eye and arm, stop the conspiracy attacking Kobayashi and his political party to prevent the resurrection of Imperial Japan and the consequent war.
• Backstory: Paul was among many Parahumans who were conscripted into military during Eurasian War. He served with 3rd Parahuman Company as resident saboteur. His job was to sabotage Russian communications and hack into their computers to gain access to their battle plans. He did not participate in the last battle of his company against the mysterious mercenaries aiding the Russians (thus avoiding the contact with the gas that makes Parahumans lose control over their powers), as we was severely wounded during his last mission. He ended up losing his right eye due to a grenade shrapnel. He blamed himself for the deaths of many of his comrades from the company, believing that if he was present that day, he would've prevented the gas attack.
  After the war, he was tried his luck as story writer and voice actor in a video game company. He accidentally ended up being caught in a terrorist attack. He lost his right arm in an explosion. Driven by Survivor Guilt and strong desire for vengeance, Paul resolved to destroy those responsible for all of his suffering - Pure Humanity Army. When he received an offer from his friends from 3rd Company, Matthew and Nicole, he came to Japan to work for Kobayashi family as a bodyguard. In return for his services, Kobayashi family provided Paul with prostheses he needed. Paul was eager to work for them, as the conspiracy targeting Kobayashi family and their political party was supported by Pure Humanity Army. PHA and any of their allies will feel his wrath.
• Role in the story: Resident Knight in Sour Armor Anti-Hero. Sixth Ranger
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Knight in Sour Armor: This the basis of his personality.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He can be very rude at times, but he does mean well.
  • Cruel to Be Kind: At times, he is rude to others or even puts them through a world of hurt to help them in the long run. For example, he wiped the floor with a class full of Parahuman students, including his employer's eldest son Akimitsu Kobayashi, to show them that they wouldn't stand a chance against Pure Humanity Army terrorists and to demonstrate how much they have to learn, starting with cooperating.
  • Adorkable: Has his moments, especially when teaching Haruka and her friends about European history (on their request)
  • An Arm and a Leg: He's missing a right eye and arm. A source of Gallows Humor from him.
  • Not Afraid to Die: What makes him scary to his enemies. He laughs at death threats and is willing to get himself killed to secure a victory. He's a borderline Death Seeker
  • Survivor Guilt: He often asks himself why he is still alive, while a lot of people around him died.
  • Technopath: His powers
  • Odd Friendship Intergenerational Friendship: With his ward, a Chuunibyou Haruka Kobayashi
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: At the beginning of the story, he pretends that he doesn't understand Japanese. While he needs practice with speaking the language, he understands it well. Some of Akimitsu's classmates tried to make fun of him by Hiding Behind the Language Barrier. During the sparring match against the whole class, he made it absolutely clear he heard everything.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: He wiped the floor with Akimitsu's classmates, using the training robots school used for combat training.
  • Attack Drone: Relies on those in combat
  • Mecha-Mooks: He often takes control of them too
  • Artificial Limb: His prostheses eye and arm practically restored him.
  • Electronic Eyes: His prosthetic eye is extremely useful
  • Autobots, Rock Out!: At times he loves to blast metal music to motivate himself and discourage enemies. Once, he used it to combat Pop Idol twins, who had the powers to hypnotize people by using music
    • No-Sell: The reason why he beat them aside from drowning out their music with metal (either The Hellion/ Electric Eye or Painkiller by Judas Priest)? He thought their music was utter crap! (being a Parahuman of Psychic category also helped)
  • Instant Expert: Downplayed. He can learn quickly how to pilot almost any vehicle, but he needs practice.

Edited by ArcticDog18 on Mar 8th 2020 at 11:14:34 AM

Ooh, a Technopath! Whenever I think of them, I'm immediately reminded of that one girl from Sky High. With technology becoming more and more ubiquitous in modern life, it's probably one of the more devastating powers someone can have, lending itself to both subtle and overt methods of getting the job done.

I do have a question regarding the extent of his powers: he can pilot almost any vehicle with practice, but does that extend to other machinery? Does he have an innate understanding of how home appliances work, so that he can easily use them without forcing them to do weird things with his powers? Stuff like that: once the war ends, he could get a job as a programmer or repair man.

You mentioned there were more tropes: I'll probably come back to this guy once I know a little more about him. He definitely has potential.

Now, on my end, a third character in the story with Praline and Jackie, and one I genuinely never expected to evolve from a side character to a major one: Saoirse the Banshee

Saoirse O'Dowd

A 24 year-old banshee from Galway, Ireland who works the register at the same country store as Praline and Jackie. Sharp-witted and an incorrigible rumormonger, she nonetheless has a good heart and is popular among the store's regulars for her friendly, charismatic demeanor, a rarity among banshee kind. She's working her way through college, and she likes tabletop games, video games, and anything that comes in a mason jar.

• Personality: Cheerful and friendly, sometimes overbearingly so. Talks quickly and kind of loud. Can be serious and responsible when the situation calls for it.
• Abilities: Precognitive abilities that trigger on their own accord when major disaster is about to strike. Can scream at deafening volumes. Never Gets Drunk.
• Weaknesses: Rash and too curious for her own good. Often sticks her nose where it's not wanted and gets herself in trouble.
• Goals: Get her Bachelor's Degree, become an oil rig inspector.
• Motivation: Wants to be a productive member of society, and in doing so become financially secure enough to get rid of the Shitemobile and get a better car.
• Role in the Story: Tritagonist: a close friend of Jackie and later Praline who hangs out and has fun with them.
• Backstory: Born in Galway, Ireland to a banshee mother and a human father. Eventually became an exchange student in Essex, Vermont before deciding she liked it and decided to live there full time. Met Jackie by chance not long after her arrival in Essex when the anubis found her on a back road, the Shitemobile having broken down. Jackie kept her company while they waited for the tow truck, then gave her a ride back to town and took her to Frank's while they waited for the Shitemobile to get fixed. Saoirse ended up really liking the food, and started coming in more often: it was about this time that she and Jackie actually became friends. Saoirse decided to get a job at Frank's not long after this, and has worked there ever since, trying to pay for college and basically just being your average young adult.

Relevant Tropes

• The Ageless: Like other Fae, Saoirse will stop developing in her prime and will never die of old age.
• Our Banshees Are Louder: Banshees are a type of Fae native to Ireland. Their uncanny attunement to impending disaster coupled with a species-wide shy streak left them with a bad reputation as omens of death, as they appeared when misfortune was imminent but couldn't muster the courage to warn the would-be victims. They possess powerful voices (the strongest recorded banshee shriek clocked in at over 240 db, though Saoirse describes said banshee as a 'freak of nature') that they can unleash in glass-shattering screams, and are prone to random fits of crying once or twice a month that last about 30 seconds.
• Berserk Button: If she hears you diss The Witcher, MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL. Saoirse is absolutely obsessed with the franchise, and takes it very personally if someone badmouths it, especially her husbando Geralt.
• Big-Breast Pride: Her F-cup makes her the bustiest between herself, Jackie and Praline, and she's quite proud of them.
• Big Eater: Has a voracious appetite: just look at her signature order.
• Black Eyes of Crazy: Banshees have black sclera and red irises. Of course, Saoirse, and for that matter the vast majority of banshees aren't crazy at all.
• Character Tic: Two: clapping her hands and pointing at who she's talking to, usually when she has a "Eureka!" Moment or is about to drop a drama bomb, and combing or otherwise playing with her hair when she's anxious.
• Fangirl: As far as fiction goes, she particularly likes Dark Fantasy like the prior-mentioned Witcher series or the below-mentioned Warhammer 40K: the darker and more fantastic, the better.
• Game Face: When particularly angry or stressed, or if they really want to scare someone, banshees 'skull': their face goes even more gaunt and skeletal, to the point they look like they have a Skull for a Head. Banshees consider it childish and incredibly bad manners to skull out of anger: needless to say, when Saoirse calms down after her first argument with Praline, she's deeply ashamed at having done so.
• Gamer Chick: A huge fan of video and tabletop games: a lot of her spending money goes to growing her Warhammer 40,000 armies (Word Bearers primarily), and she plays competitive Gwent.
• Genki Girl: Not by our standards, really, but Saoirse is cheerful and personable, which by her species' standards makes her the banshee equivalent to Pinkie Pie.
• Gossipy Hens: Saoirse's naturally curious, people-oriented personality combined with her ability to sense misfortune and disaster around people causes her to stick her nose in their business, often without realizing it.
• Half-Human Hybrid: Banshees, being a One-Gender Race, need to interbreed with other species to introduce. In the olden days, they mated with other Fae species, but with extraspecies living amongst humans in modern times, half-humans are becoming more common: Saoirse is one of them, with a human father back in Ireland.
• Hidden Depths: It's not something you'd assume by looking at her, but Saoirse is surprisingly industrious and enjoys working with her hands: she buys all of her 40K models fresh both to save money and because she enjoys building and painting them. She also has a lucrative side business selling homemade candles out of the tallow that Jackie donates to her.
• Irish Accents: Has one: many regulars at Frank's consider it one of her charm points.
• Leitmotif: The Farmer's Frolic, a cheery, energetic Celtic violin and guitar theme that serves as a counterpoint to Jackie's theme, which uses the same instruments but is far more calm and subdued.
• Massively Numbered Siblings: Saoirse is the second of five sisters: Siobhan, Saoirse, Lile, Roisin and Aisling. An impressive number by human standards, and even more astonishing by Fae standards.
• Miss Fanservice: Has a huge chest and her casual dress sense is far and away the most provocative of the cast's, with a short skirt and Cleavage Window.
• My Instincts Are Showing: Her hair-combing nervous tic.
• My Species Doth Protest Too Much: Much like their cousins the dullahans, banshees are brooding, morose and dramatic, and often find it difficult to connect to others due to their innate shyness. Compared to most of her species, Saoirse is an obnoxiously-cheerful, overly-energetic Disney princess.
• Mystical White Hair: Her blood-red hair is dyed: like all banshees, Saoirse's natural hair color is silver. Saoirse doesn't like it, claiming it makes her look like an old lady.
• Never Gets Drunk: Another Fae attribute: she has the highest tolerance among her friends.
• Nice Girl: Her friendliness can be a bit overbearing at times, but there's no doubt that Saoirse is an absolute sweetheart.
• Nice Hat: Off work, she's usually wearing a black bowler with wilted-looking fake roses adorning it.
• Our Fairies Are Different: A common misconception about banshees is that they're some manner of ghost or undead, when in reality they're flesh-and-blood, perfectly alive, and classified as Fae, or Sidhe in her language, related to dullahans and elves.
• Perky Goth: Banshees are ashen-skinned with nasty bags under their eyes, with a proclivity for dark clothing, but Saoirse is still a friendly young woman with excellent customer service.
• Pointy Ears: Another sign of her heritage and a calling card of the Fae.
• Rapunzel Hair: It reaches down to her knees.
• Sand In My Eyes: Every so often, banshees will start crying out of nowhere, and Saoirse is no different. Despite understanding from her friends and the regulars at the store, she still finds it incredibly embarrassing.
• Sir Swears-a-Lot: Bar none the most trashmouthed character in the story, with a particular fondness for 'feckin' and 'shite', not to mention the flood of Gaelic swearwords she unleashes when she's truly pissed off.
• Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: Is the first to become sick of Praline when the catgirl first joins the team, thanks to Praline's incessant virtue signaling. Eventually, the two become bitter rivals. They slowly reconcile as Praline goes through her Character Development and eventually become friends.
• Spider-Sense: Banshees have the ability to keenly sense impending disaster, making them invaluable for security work and as inspectors for high-risk jobs such as mining. Saoirse is clearly ill-at-ease as Tia approaches Essex, and when the dragonewt actually enters the store she nearly has a panic attack from the overwhelming 'danger' she senses.
• The Alleged Car: 'The Shitemobile', an ancient, clattering, rusting Volkswagen Derby that she longs to get rid of. Her very first appearance, before she's even named, is Praline walking to work and seeing the Shitemobile spewing smoke under the hood by the side of the road, Saoirse kicking it and furiously cussing it out in Gaelic.
• Trademark Favorite Food: More a signature order: whenever she gets something from the store's grill, it's almost guaranteed to be 'pulled pork sandwich with lettuce and onions, side of fries, ketchup and mayonnaise to make fry sauce, coleslaw, small Dr. Pepper'.
• Undeathly Pallor: Banshees being undead is a common misconception, but Saoirse has unnaturally gray, ashy skin: she's joked that she's pale by Irish standards.
• "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue: Saoirse gets a series of pictures depicting her graduating from college, winning the Gwent nationals and using the prize money from said nationals to buy a new car: the last one is her taking a selfie in front of 'the Shitemobile' being hauled away on a junkyard magnet.
• You Gotta Have Blue Hair: Blood-red with black tips. It turns out to be dyed, but her normal hair color isn't all that natural either: silver, like all banshees.
• Your Makeup Is Running: Or at least, it looks like it: banshees have Facial Markings that look like dripping mascara.

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Mar 6th 2022 at 4:16:43 AM

To answer your question - he can quickly understand how all kinds of electronic machinery works by "scanning" them with his powers. This way, he can quickly understand how they operate even without a manual (but, he still prefers to read the damn thing). The more advanced device, the more easier it is for him to understand what makes it tick and use it.
As for his desired job, he'd rather have one where he DOESN'T have to use his powers. He wanted to be a voice actor or writer, as he wanted to create a novel or a video game. But, eventually, he would try to join rescue services and use his drones to save lives.

Steve Lewis

He's a self destructive Jerkass teenager who is very foul mouthed, treats everyone like crap and is an alcoholic. He also has a very difficult life. His parents are abusive fucks who hate him for ruining their lives (though his father does genuinely care about him), he's constantly upstaged by his cousins (particularly child prodigy Helen), has no real friends outside of David (and even then, David only hangs out with him out of pity), is bullied and mocked by his peers and can't find true happiness or meaning in ANYTHING. Steve is sick of his cynical life and feels doomed to be always trapped in this cycle.....

Until during a freak accident, he becomes a demonian (half human, half demon). He obtains abilities such as super strength and speed, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, laser vision, etc. Steve is initally horrified by his powers and an accidental murder of a fellow student, but decides to use them to be a Serial-Killer Killer, murdering criminals and supervillains left and right, along with David. Though Steve claims he wants to save people, his real motive is the thrills he gets from killing and being truly happy and free whenever he does it. He also finally gets approval from everyone around him, something he almost never receives. However, Steve does have one long lasting enemy, Vincent Carter. He's a businessman who secretly is another demonian, the ruthless Flame King, who wants to rule over the world as a god and make it more logical and by that, we means a dictatorship. Steve tries to kill Vince and vice versa, but they can't, due to a lack of demon weaknesses and not knowing each other's secret identities.

Edited by MisterSnuffy on Mar 19th 2020 at 7:05:54 AM

Hey, there is a rule on this thread - you want to get the critique of your character, you write the critique of previously posted character (in this case, Saroise O'Dowd, made by krimzonflygon2).

Just a friendly reminder.

Oops my bad lol

Anyway, that character is really good. Can't think of much to improve em

krimzonflygon2 didn't really get a review, so I'll go ahead and do Saoirse O'Dowd.

Forget banshees, charisma is a rarity among register clerks. I feel like you can get a lot of mileage from the sensing impending doom thing. "Oh, nuts. Don't look now but we're going to need a clean up on Aisle 5." And it's amusing that this supernatural being is introduced via her car troubles. I guess even fae can't afford the down payment in this economy. I'll admit, I was pleasantly surprised to see a married character but then I realized that "husbando" probably implies that Geralt is a character from the video game. Pity.

You didn't include most of the character sheet, so there's only so much I can say beyond discussing whatever attributes that can be gleaned from the trope list. I'm guessing this character is something of an author avatar? Very specific favorite video game and RPG makes it seem that way. Saoirse sounds like a fun person to be around at any rate.

Saoirse. Sa-o-ir-se? Sao-i-rse? Sa-oi-r-se?

• Name: Anani Simone Pelosi Patel
• Age: 15
• Personality: Quiet and taciturn to most people. Close family and friends know she is easily angered and prone to bursts of rage when in private. She is fiercely loyal and thorough in everything she does. She has an acidic sense of humor.

• Abilities: Does Tai Chi count? Physically unimpressive, though she does know some martial arts for self-defense. Her real strength is in her mind. Having poured over her studies in her youth and being very attentive to the political intrigue around her, Anani is an expert in navigating the backstabbing imperial court and, on paper, has vast military and historical knowledge.

• Weaknesses: You can escape her wrath by jogging a little. Anani had the bad luck to be a toddler during the Twin Plague Crisis: a pandemic that, while it didn't kill her, left her body in a bad state that required years of hospitalization and therapy to finally even walk again. Too much exertion can leave her knocked out for hours. She carries a scepter less to look regal and more to disguise the fact that she needs something to help her walk.

• Goals: Initially to ensure the successful reign of her sister, Queen Selah. When that fails, survive the revolt, destroy her enemies, and secure the throne for herself.

• Motivation: Anani's world revolves around Selah, who looked after her when she was ill and protected her when their parents were assassinated. Whenever Anani became too frustrated with her own weakness Selah was there to bring her back to her senses and channel that anger into something constructive. For years while Anani was bedridden Selah was her only friend. Because of that Anani worships her sister, and her goals are Anani's goals. When Selah made a play for the throne, Anani did everything she could to support her. After Selah was killed, Anani swore to carry on her legacy. Also, as the sister of the most recent deposed monarch she's going to be targeted as a potential rival to the throne anyway. So she might as well do what the other warlords are going to kill her for anyway.

• Role in the Story: Supporting character to her sister in the first half of the story. She plays off her upbeat, charismatic, and spontaneous sister as a grumbling advisor and the one who handles the more cerebral matters in the background. Get promoted to one of the main characters after Selah is killed where she spends much of her time running for her life, crafting elaborate plans to take the throne back from the usurpers, and fighting one enemy after another to maintain that throne, all the while trying to control her own rage issues which threaten to derail everything she worked to build.

Backstory:

Anani is the second child of a minor noble family in the Empire, the interstellar monarchy that rules much of the Known Galaxy. In normal circumstances that would lead to a life of privilege and family politicking to secure a rise in status. Unfortunately Anani was born not too long after the Imperial golden age came crashing down in a flurry of familicide and the crown passed to whoever could hold onto it. Noble titles and status only took you as far as they could convince this army or that fleet to support you. Civil strife became the norm as no sooner did one claimant to the throne overthrow their predecessor that they too were overthrown withing a few years. The Empire became a brittle shadow of itself as aristocrats jockeyed for power. This was the world Anani grew up into. Her parents, and later her elder sister, played the precarious game of survival in supporting this would-be king or queen while advancing their interests. For little Anani this was all abstract grown-up stuff though. What was not abstract was the two diseases that swept through the Empire, killing countless people and destabilizing the realm even further. She got both and by all rights should have died. Her survival came at the cost of a nearly impoverishing her family paying for doctors, and a very weak body, depriving her of a normal childhood. Then she was deprived of a normal family after her parents backed the wrong warlord and were murdered, Anani herself barely escaping with her life, watching her mother and father die from underneath a bed.

• Her sister Selah became her parent. And Anani was not an easy child to raise. How much of this was just her natural personality and how much was caused by trauma can't be determined, but young Anani grew a fierce temper, which didn't help with her health as the exertion from merely lashing out could send her to the floor struggling to breathe. Between this and often needing to run from the latest monarch Anani grew up friendless and distant. Not to be dissuaded Selah threw herself into raising Anani was best she could and was eventually able to teach her younger sister to control her temper. Mostly. As a result most people see Anani as the dour little helper of her ladder climbing sister who spends much of her time reading. It was only in private did Anani explode over whatever was angering her. In public, she was such a non-entity that she could gleam useful information just from standing near others and listening to them talk at social events because they usually didn't notice she was there. This proved very useful when her sister became a warlord in her own right and Anani became her unofficial secretary.
• Planning, politicking, alliances and backstabbing came to a head when Selah overthrew the reigning monarch and was proclaimed queen. And thus Anani became a princess. Odd as it may seem this was the most normal her her life had ever been. The teenager explored the palace, entertained guests on behalf of her sister, gossiped with her ladies-in-waiting, and had access to the palace gardens, library, and kitchen.
• This dream life turned into a nightmare when Selah was murdered in a palace coup two years later. The cycle had claimed its next victim and now she was on the list. With a handful of retainers she fled into space while a new king was crowned. So there she was: a deposed princess floating in outer space, no friends, no resources, no home. But Sister didn't raise no quitter. And it was from this rock bottom position that Anani planned to take back the throne that was rightfully her's and rain down vengeance on those who destroyed her family.

Relevant Tropes:

• A Child Shall Lead Them: At 17, she is the youngest monarch of the Empire. This immediately causes issues because no way are the older warlords going to just accept someone who wasn't even born when they started fighting.
• Ain't Too Proud to Beg: Anani used to handle the books for her sister and knows better than most that armies and fleets need money to function. So the first thing she does when planning to to take back the throne is go to a family friend and grovel for cash.
• Anger Is Not Enough: One day Selah just let a 10 year old Anani trash her room and sit there wallowing and sick for hours before coming back and telling Anani that her life will always be this broken and miserable if she doesn't shape up. It had the intended effect.
• Crazy-Prepared: Constant attempts to overthrow or kill her combined with her health and personal issues have forced Anani to plan ahead for just about everything, because in her experience what can go wrong will go wrong. This is critical in her campaigns against various attempted rebellions because she her forces are so brittle a single significant defeat will be the death of her.
• Fury-Fueled Foolishness: Potentially her fatal flaw. Anani is aware of this and her worst fear is being goaded into doing something stupid in a moment of pique. At one point the chance to bring a rival warlord to her side is blown because she killed his captured nephew when her rage got the better of her.
• Hero-Worshipper: Despite their vastly different personalities, Anani idolizes her sister Selah. Her plans to take back the throne and end the constant strife are as much to honor her sister's memory as they are anything else.
• Ill Girl: Spent much of her childhood bedridden and even now still has to take medication regularly to keep her healthy. Too much exertion will make her sick as well so she literally cannot have an active life.
• A Mother to Her Men: She makes a point of visiting the sick and wounded under her command and then checking up on them afterwards because she remembers what it was like to be alone and afraid in the hospital. This inspires great loyalty in her tiny force when she doesn't really have anything to offer them before she retakes the thrown.
• No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: Anani makes a point of being as brutal and crushing of those who oppose her in open combat as possible. Not because she takes any pleasure in it - well, okay, she does, but that not why - but because her "Join or Die" message isn't effective if too many people say, "Make me." Making a few hardcore examples of the defiant and being lenient on those who capitulate quietly gets the message across that join or die really are the only two options.
• Not So Different: There's nothing really differentiating her from any other claimant to the throne except maybe slightly more legitimacy. Realizing this, she seeks to obtain popular support by styling herself as a queen of the people, fighting not for the sake of her title, but to bring peace to the Empire for the betterment of the people.
• The Quiet One: To most people she is this. Rarely speaking, rarely acting, often just observing. This proves very useful in gleaning information for her sister. Even when she becomes queen she makes an effort to be more of a listener than a talker. It's only in private that she becomes a motor mouth.
• Resurgent Empire: Ultimately she is responsible for ending over two decades of political turmoil, centralizing authority, bringing the Empire back on the path to growth and glory, and leaving a stable succession plan to ensure it didn't go to waste.
• The Smart Guy: Her role in her sister's court. While Selah is the inspired one, it's Anani who makes real plans out of her ideas and coordinates the logistics of everything.
• Shame If Something Happened: When she finds out a capricious, but valuable noble is entertaining plots of overthrowing her, she shows up at his mother's house and over tea makes subtle hints to him that she can show up there whenever she wants and do whatever she wants. The plot fizzles out.
• Tame Her Anger: Anani suppresses or redirects her anger to more useful pursuits or daily calming exercises.
• Tantrum Throwing: Something she never truly grew out of, but by the point the story begins it's probably her worst outwards display of anger. She grudgingly accepts the cheap china sets her sister gives her because she knows she's broken them too often for Selah to allow her anything truly nice.
• Teen Genius: Not being able to do much as a child, she became an obsessive reader and made up for her physical weakness by honing her memory and critical thinking skills. The one things that gives her an advantage over the average noble brat is that she actually understands the complex formulations needed to conduct a space battle.
• Terror Hero: Her savagery in battle is less a tactic and more a propaganda strategy to scare lesser enemies into submission. It's also as effective to keep potentially fair weather friends on side. It gets to the point that the mere threat of her retaliation for some insult can make an issue go away.
• Unstoppable Rage: If nothing else her anger gives her iron determination to wreck havoc on her enemies.
• The Woman Wearing The Queenly Mask: Anani forces herself to project the image of a cool and charismatic queen after Selah is killed to rally her sister's supporters and prevent the Empire from falling back into civil war. Because why else would anyone follow the sickly little sister of the latest usurper?

Edited by Parable on Aug 7th 2020 at 10:19:40 AM

@Parable

Sheer-shuh. Seriously, Gaelic, am I right? No way in hell I'd know how to pronounce it if I didn't play Nioh.

Not sure I'd go so far as to call Saoirse an Author Avatar. I do like both series, but it's the level of 'Eh, they're pretty cool'. Definitely toward the bland ol' middle of my likes and dislikes. I'm not obsessed enough to plunk down hundreds of dollars for 40K miniatures. As for Witcher I've played two of the games: she's played all three mainline games and does competitive Gwent, she's read every book, watches the Netflix series, owns a Geralt of Rivia hugpillow...

I mean, in general all of my Original Characters have some of 'me' in them to varying degrees, (ie. Praline's neuroticism) but I try to avoid making them out-and-out extensions of myself.

Glad you liked the 'Shitemobile' thing. She had to choose between 'college loan' and 'car loan' and she figured college takes precedence as long as the Shitemobile can get her from A-to-B without the engine exploding from the hood and rocketing into the stratosphere.

Saoirse is charismatic, but she gets a lot of mileage from it mostly due to where she works: the town the story takes place is one of those small, sleepy places where everyone knows everyone, and Frank's customer base is basically just dedicated regulars with one or two newcomers every month or so, and they often end up regulars in their own right. Since they all go past Saoirse on their way out and she's a bit of a gab, she ends up getting on friendly terms with a lot of them.

I need to work on exactly what her sensitivity to 'disaster' entails, but I don't think she'll be sensitive enough to foresee something as mild as a spill, not unless someone is right about to slip and take a bad enough fall to put them in the hospital. If a banshee's picking up on something it usually involves at minimum grievous bodily harm. There's potential for humor, but I'd have to handle it carefully.

Anyway, glad you like her! I'll work on a critique of Anani in the coming days.

"I'm not obsessed enough to plunk down hundreds of dollars for 40K miniatures."

Not obsessed enough or not rich enough?

Though now it occurs to me that Saoirse could have afforded a better car a long time ago if she didn't spend so much on figurines.

Not obsessed enough. People joke about the price of 40K figurines, but it's honestly in the context of "By the Emperor, THAT much for plastic models?!?" There are some models that run for lodsofemone, but starter sets (army's worth of models, board, codex, paints) are about a hundred and fifty average, and I just have bigger hobbies that I'd rather spend my cash on.

The most expensive part is getting your foot in the door, and Saoirse has been playing since she was 17: the halcyon days when she still lived in Ireland with her parents and could bike everywhere and could spend her money on whatever she wanted (barring the rent her parents made her pay after she got a job). She's got an army that she slowly but surely adds to while setting money aside for the Shitemobile's replacement: she can spare 50 dollars every couple of months for unpainted miniatures.

Honestly she spends more money on repairs to the Shitemobile, a fact she is tortuously aware of.

Edit: "Not obsessed enough." said the huge Word Bearers fanboy as he replaced his avatar with their icon...

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Dec 5th 2020 at 1:38:37 AM

Ah, the story of us poor folk. We spend more on repairs over time than a wealthier person will spend up front for a newer car that won't need as much repairs by the time they get rid of it. I feel kinship to this fae already.

Here's the protagonist of my screenplay:

Name: Autumn Joyce Leeds

Age: Eighteen (turns so at beginning of screenplay)

Personality: Anxious, friendly, spineless, distracted, curious.

Abilities: Can shoot fire from her hands due to being bitten by a crystal monster on her way into the other world. Aside from that, nothing special (except maybe drawing).

Weaknesses: Has no idea how to control her powers, is easily distracted, afraid of large bodies of water.

Goals: To find out what happened to her brother, Floyd.

Motivation: Because nobody will say what happened to him because they still see her as too young.

Role in the story: The protagonist.

Backstory: Born in 2003 as the second child of the Leeds family, moved to Pleasant Valley at 3. Met her friend Liz in Kindergarten, and they became lifelong friends. Little brother Timmy drowned on a beach trip when she was 7. Dad and Mom divorced at 9. Underwent a brief relationship with Liz at 11, but they broke up because Liz met someone else^note and was figuring out that she was trans. Her older brother Floyd went missing at 12, the cause known yet unstated to the townsfolk. Her mother descended into alcoholism throughout.

Relevant Tropes:

• Big Eater: She eats tons, and it (kind of) shows. Almost 3 days without food would be hard for someone like that.
• Fiery Redhead: Kind of. She's a red fox and has fire powers due to a topaz growing on her hand, but she isn't exactly very angry.
• Extreme Doormat: It's hard for her to make a decision for herself, especially around her parents. This allows her to be taken advantage of pretty easily.
• Porky Pig Pronunciation: Only really when under pressure.
• Character Tics: Often scratches behind her ear when she's feeling nervous.
• Fun with Flushing: Her favorite method of getting rid of things she doesn't want.
• An Arm and a Leg: The topaz eating her hand, if shattered or used, will leave her single-handed.
• Fire/Water Juxtaposition: Fascinated by fire and its powers. Afraid of water and its depths.

Edited by TheWhistleTropes on Aug 2nd 2020 at 9:12:57 AM