Characters / Postal

Characters from the Postal video game franchise.

The Dude Himself

The Postal Dude

The Postal Dude

"I regret nothing."

"You probably think I'm not a nice person."

^{Click here to see his original appearance in Postal 1} "The air ripens with the odors of the dead and dying. It smells like...victory."

Played by: Vince Desi (Postal, grunts and moans), Rick Hunter (all other appearances), Corey Cruise (Postal III, Paradise Lost, Postal: Brain Damaged and Postal 4: No Regerts), Zack Ward (Postal: The Movie and Postal 4: No Regerts), Jon St. John (Postal 4: No Regerts)

A red-headed, trenchcoated man whose life is filled with violence, insanity and the bizarre shenanigans of the world around him. Never a dull moment for him, it's up to the player to decide how he acts.

---

• '90s Anti-Hero: In Postal 2, he's essentially the epitome of this trope, embodying all the attributes, characteristics, and typical traits you would expect from such an Anti-Hero — including an edgy and sarcastic attitude, a rugged design, personifying badassery, sporting Cool Shades, and of course, his signature long trenchcoat.
• Abusive Parents: Apparently only one reason for the Dude to urinate on his stepfather's grave. When the real Dude Sr. shows up in Postal 4, he turns out to be no better and tries to kill his son to cement his rule over Edensin.
• Adaptational Nice Guy: He's a nice everyman in the movie and the Only Sane Man who always just happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and even makes one last-ditch effort at the end to make peace with everyone pointing their guns at him. It doesn't work, so he's forced to resort to violence.
• Aerosol Flamethrower: In the A Week In Paradise DLC, the Dude can use an can of Axe spray ripoff, aptly named Stynx, and a lighter. This returns in III as the Pepper Spray's secondary attack.
• Affably Evil: In Postal 2. He may be a self described sociopath, but damn if he isn't charming about it.
• Almighty Janitor: The Dude is a fairly good example. An Ax-Crazy Jerkass Deadpan Snarker who lives in a trailer, has a fondness for crack, has a bitchy wife, and poor hygiene... And also an incredibly lethal sonuvabitch when provoked. (Or not).
• Ambiguous Situation: Is the Postal Dude in Postal 2 the same dude as the Postal Dude in Postal? While they're both obviously a bit screwed in the head, Postal 2 Dude seems to be a little bit more mentally stable than Postal 1 Dude. Plus, The Dude makes absolutely no references to the events of Postal 1 in Postal 2.
• Anti-Hero: At his best, but him being a Nominal Hero or a Villain Protagonist depends on your playstyle. While the Dude may be for most part a huge Jerkass, most of the groups he ends up fighting with are asshole victims (including the police), some of them however such as the Survivalists in Paradise Lost are not necessarily evil groups and end up as the Dude's enemies only because he is Mis-blamed for attacking them.
• Awful Wedded Life: Postal 2 does not mince anything with regards to what he thinks of his love life and in Apocalypse Weekend, he notably notes his wife moving back to her mother's place was good news. It more or less gets cemented in Paradise Lost where they more or less are actively killing each other on sight.
• Ax-Crazy: Mostly due to Videogame Cruelty Potential in the Postal series, though the Dude in the original Postal takes the cake for murdering people on his own volition and being genuinely mentally disturbed.
• Badass Longcoat: The Dude is always seen with his long trenchcoat, though what color it is depends on the game (black in 2, brown in III). Zack Ward makes fun of him for it if you come by to thank him for his help fight him at the end of Friday in Paradise Lost.
  • This is semi-averted in Postal 4: No Regerts, where the Dude now starts the game in his pajamas (a purple nightgown) after losing his old threads alongside his car.
• Big Bad: While he is the "protagonist" of the series, the Dude also doubles as this in the first game and it's remake, given he commits mass murder due to his Ax-Crazy mental state.
• Big Eater: Eating food restores your health. You can only stop when your health is full, and you can eat as fast as you can press the Use key. To quote Civvie 11:
  Civvie: "I've been feeding you fast food and donuts all morning, you should be shitting hot tar, but not hungry."
• Character Catchphrase: "I regret nothing."
• Characterization Marches On: A single character trait example. The base game of the second game has the Dude kick Champ for peeing on him. While this does fit with the Dude being a Jerkass with a Ax-Crazy streak, it would be unthinkable for him to do that now, even for him. Come Apocalypse Weekend, the Postal Dude goes out of his way to go to the pound to rescue Champ before he leaves Paradise, Paradise Lost has its entire plot focused around finding Champ, and its now established that Champ is the only person (well, dog) the Dude genuinely and consistently cares about.
• Churchgoing Villain: One mission in 2 involves you going to church to confess your sins, and the Dude wears a cross pin on his lapel in every game since.
• Cool Shades: He is almost never seen without them.
• Cosmic Plaything: Dude NEVER catches a break. Simply getting a package from post office or returning a book to the library become life-or-death battles for him because of completely ridiculous coincidences. By Paradise Lost, he has noticed this pattern and isn't even surprised when a random zombie attack comes out of nowhere.
• Creepy Monotone: In the original and Redux, where he speaks with a low-pitched tone (unless he's taking bullets or is on fire of course). Later games made him a lot more emotive.
• Darker and Edgier: The Dude in the original game only wants to kill and that's it, even considering killing children. Postal 2 and beyond are far Denser and Wackier, leading to Redux coming across as less of a return to form and more of a dark departure from the series' already established status as a darkly comedic franchise.
• Deadpan Snarker: His general personality and him at his nicest.
• Desecrating the Dead: It must really say something about how awful The Postal Dude Sr. was that pissing on his grave is the one sole mandatory use of your pissing mechanic in Postal 2.
• Determinator: Will absolutely stop at nothing to complete his errands in Postal 2 onwards, especially when Champ is threatened.
• Dissonant Serenity: He never loses his cool, even when he's massacring everyone. He even makes deadpan comments about his putting his entrails back in.
• Doom Magnet/Walking Disaster Area: It seems that everywhere the Dude goes, trouble follows in the most spectacular way.
• Driven to Suicide: As a gameplay mechanic if you want to restart. In the first game, it is a mundane pistol shot to the head, which was changed to fit every weapon in Redux. In the second and fourth^note As of the 1.0.5 update, it is eating a grenade (which as of the Steam version of Postal 2 has an achievement for both doing it once and for catching a Taliban fighter in the blast). Both are up to the player. III lampshades this by having the "Emo" achievement, unlocked by damaging yourself.
• Enemy Without: The Postal III Dude in Paradise Lost.
• Even Evil Has Loved Ones:
  • Subverted with the Bitch, whom the Dude is married to and does errands for. At the end of Postal 2, when asked about the rocky road ice cream he forgot, he chose suicide over facing her wrath. He did get better, but had pretty much forgotten about her since. In Paradise Lost, this is averted as the Bitch acts completely hostile to the moment she meets him again.
  • Played straight with Champ the dog. In Apocalypse Weekend, the Dude refuses to leave Paradise without him. The plot of Paradise Lost is all about finding Champ before leaving for good.
• Even Evil Has Standards:
  • He does not appreciate underage killings, as he knows Teen Sniper is clearly wrong.
  • Played for Laughs in the 2014 April Fools' Event, where he will react to digust if the player tries to buy any of the comically overpriced DLC and will stop them from doing so.
• Extremity Extremist: His only attacking move solely with his body is a single kick.
• Expy: Becomes more apparent by the time Postal 4 begins now that he's combined the shades with a bathrobe, but he's essentially the other Dude but on crack. And around several thousand times more deadly.
• Fiery Redhead: Played With. While he can shout out very vulgar things when he is angry, he is for the most part, mostly calm.
• For the Evulz: His reasoning for going on rampages in every game after 1, since he follows your playstyle.^note Make a killing spree and he will say he knows what you're thinking, but also that doesn't even like videogames.
• Going Postal: It is in his name, after all.
• Guest Fighter:
  • He appears as a unlockable character in Oh...Sir!! The Insult Simulator alongside Lo Wang and Serious Sam.
  • Customization options in Unfortunate Spacemen allow for the Postal Dude to be playable as part of a official crossover, voice included (specifically Jon St. John as opposed to Rick Hunter).
• Handsome Lech: He hits on quite a few women throughout 2 and Paradise Lost and all of them are uninterested. He’s also not a horrible looking guy.
• Hates Everyone Equally: Or rather...
  Postal Dude: (after killing a black victim) Please, don't think I'm a bigot. I kill races equally!
• Henpecked Husband: In Postal 2 he is constantly forced into doing errands for his nagging wife.
• His Name Really Is "Barkeep": His name really is The Postal Dude, Jr., named after his father, The Postal Dude, Sr.
• Hyperspace Arsenal: He can carry around an utterly ridiculous number of weapons at all times and not be impeded at all.
• Iconic Outfit: A Badass Longcoat with a grey alien T-shirt underneath that he wears throughout Postal 2, Apocalypse Weekend and Paradise Lost. There's an option for him to wear it again in Postal 4 instead of the bathrobe.
• Idiot Hair: He is sometimes depicted in official art with a loose cowlick or two in front of his forehead, fitting his mentally unstable personality.
• I Regret Nothing: See Catchphrase above.
• Improbable Weapon User: Postal 2 alone has the Dude being able to use a Shovel, picket sign, badger, sex toys and his own urine.
• Jerk with a Heart of Jerk: Many of the good things the Dude does are actually more self-centered than not, for example, killing cannibalistic butchers who kill humans for their meat? He just wants real, not human meat steaks. Kills a terrorist group? He was stealing milk from said terrorist's deli. Frees a duo of soldiers who were held prisonage by the Taliban? Cannon Fodder so he can steal a nuke. That being said, he does genuinely care about Champ; he ventures into redneck-occupied pound in Apocalypse Weekend to rescue him, and the primary plot of Paradise Lost is getting him back.
• Kick the Dog: A literal example. In the second game, the Dude punts Champ after he pees on his foot.
• Kill It with Fire: The Dude is able to use weapons that center around this aspect, like a flamethrower and molotovs in Postal 1, and in 2, he gets a Can of Stynx, gasoline, matches, Napalm and gasoline Piss, and a Napalm Launcher. 4 adds a water gun to his arsenal, which he can fill with gasoline and urine.
• Lighter and Softer: Postal 2 retcons the Dude from being a paranoid and delusional mass murderer to being a fairly regular Deadpan Snarker whose normal errands go comically wrong. Although the game does still try to do all it can to encourage the player to kill civilians over petty slights.
• Lower-Class Lout: Evicted from his shoddy run-down house in 1/Redux and moved to a trailer park with his obese, bitchy wife in 2, and is rude, crass and violent with a fondness for crack. Described by the creators as "white trash". His financial difficulties are implied to be the motivator of some of his antisocial behavior.
  Dude: Guess I'm gonna need to make some more money, but my printer's all out of ink.
• Made of Iron: Survived a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, an 11-year coma, and three separate apocalypses, among other gruesome ways you can potentially get injured in-game, yet shakes it off and keeps on walking.
• Master of Disguise: Even if you get arrested enough times to get thrown into Maximum Security, just a quick change into a cop uniform will make none the wiser.
• Mr. Fanservice: His action figures reveal that his chest is very well built! For bonus points, his voice is also deep and smooth. This is implied to be the reason why his sister-in-law still has feelings for him in Postal 4.
• Never Hurt an Innocent: In Postal 1 and Redux if the player chooses to only kill the various "Hostiles" and none of the unarmed civilians. There's even an achievement for doing it in Redux.
• New Job as the Plot Demands: In Postal 4, his errands boil down to this as an attempt to get money. He can't hold down a stable job longer than he completes the errand.
• One-Man Army: Is able to massacre entire groups of people on his own, and he ends up slaughtering an entire military base all by himself in Apocalypse Weekend.
• Person of Mass Destruction: Dear Lord, is he ever. Just for a bit of perspective, him attacking a terrorist camp resulted in the place looking like it got firebombed. And that's not counting his Doom Magnet tendencies.
• Playing with Fire: Parodied. In Postal 2's New Game Plus the Postal Dude can piss Napalm and Gasoline.
• Psycho for Hire: In Paradise Lost and No Regerts in particular. He's always asked to run errands for people and, if the player wills it, things can get really, really messy.
• Right Man in the Wrong Place: Basically, if something happens that forces the Dude to kill criminals, he will do it, but more often than not, he'll not like it. Especially if he is fighting off rednecks in a gimp suit.
• Significant Green-Eyed Redhead: He has green eyes, reddish hair (the exact coloring depends on the game) and is a Cosmic Doom Magnet.
• The Sociopath: The Postal Dude is at best indifferent to killing a random person for no good reason, and even if he doesn't, he would just tell them to not mind his business. He really cares only about himself and Champ.
• Split Personality: Turns out the Dude in Postal III becomes this in Paradise Lost. Due to the Alternate Dude asking about "a pack of ostriches that have been missing for 17 years" at one point, he's apparently been retconned into having existed in the Dude's mind since all the way back in Postal 1, maybe even being the "one in charge" during the events of it.
• Technical Pacifist: He's this on a Pacifist Run. Severing limbs nonlethally, tasing people and pissing on them while you Kick Them While They Are Down along many other amoral actions doesn't invalidate the run unless they actually die from it, and given the usual hazards in Paradise, playing an Actual Pacifist is near-impossible.
• Throw Down the Bomblet: The Dude's wide array of explosive weapons are sticks of dynamite, Grenades, Jihad Grenades, Krotchy Grenades, Flash Grenades, Rocket Launchers, Grenade Launchers, Cat Launchers, and Napalm Launchers.
• This Loser Is You: Subverted; despite being a massive loser with a capacity for sadistic violence, and seemingly at odds with his job at Running With Scissors, the Dude is explicitly different from the player in one regard: he's not into video games.
• Took a Level in Cheerfulness: While he retains his Ax-Crazy and Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist antics, he is much more chill and relaxed in No Regerts, possibly due to no longer having to deal with the Bitch.
• Tragic Hero: He's portrayed as this in the Manual of POSTAL and in Redux Hard Mode loading screens. He dislikes violence and sees it as a Necessary Evil to cleanse the town from a Hate Plague where he seems to be the only one unaffected. Both games even have achievements if you only kill hostiles in each level, sparing ordinary civilians.
• Urine Trouble: The Dude not only could piss, he could piss blood, vomit, napalm and gasoline and at some point in Postal 2, the Dude contracts gonorrhea and his piss turns green, and he also gets hurt when he pees.
  • Potty Humor: In Postal 2, the Dude can (and, if up to the player, will) piss on everyone and thing he sees fit, including cops, terrorists, soldiers, and Mike J (who dances when pissed on).
• Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: From Postal 2 onward, he isn't actively murderous without the player's input; he's just a random jerk who simply doesn't care what is going around him or terrible things the player makes him do.
• Villainous Breakdown:
  • In the ending of the first Postal, he tries to kill children on a playground. He fires every weapon he has at them, but when he realizes he can't harm them, he crumbles in despair and seems to have lost any little sanity he had.
  • The Redux version plays out a bit differently. Instead, he goes to a church funeral, there is nobody except a priest, whom he is unable to kill, and when the coffin is lowered, he crumbles again as the world around him becomes more hellish, indicating he has completely lost grip with reality.
• Villain Protagonist: In Postal and Redux, as while all future games have him act violent of your own will and potentially try to not kill anyone, the Postal Dude here is a homicidal maniac of his own volition and it’s required to kill people.
• Who Names Their Kid "Dude"?: The Postal Dude Sr., apparently.

The Dude's "Close" Ones

Champ

Champ / "El Perro Loco"

Played by: Himself (Postal: The Movie)

The Postal Dude's pet Pitbull Terrier, is a bit of a bitch, but is loyal to his owner.

---

• Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: Dude has to fight Champ's gigantic form before he can shrink him.
• Canine Companion: Champ is, by far, the only living creature that Dude shows any genuine affection towards and he never even considers going anywhere without him.
• Character Outlives Actor: The real Champ, Vince Desi's dog, passed away in 2011 to cancer. Postal 3 and Paradise Lost are dedicated to his memory.
• Dogs Are Dumb: Dude never bothered to train him, so naturally he gets out of control every now and then, pissing at his owner's shoes and munching on people's balls when he can.
• The Dreaded: As "El Perro Loco", the mere mention of his name strikes fear into random passerbies.
• Empathy Pet: Champ's aggressive behavior and penchant for biting people's groins neatly reflects Dude's own savage, violent nature.
• Evil Is Bigger: As a giant Hellhound, he indiscriminately attacks every person (even his owner) on sight.
• Hellhound: Guardian variant, will attack anyone that pisses off The Dude, and even then...
  • Becomes a more standard version of this trope in Paradise Lost, due to radiation from the nuke that Dude detonated at the end of Apocalypse Weekend. Even after he's brought back to normal, he can still occasionally launch glowing green fireballs to blow up anyone who attacks you.
• Team Pet: By default.

Uncle Dave

Uncle Dave

Played by: Marcus Davis (Postal 2), Jim Halstead (Postal III, Paradise Lost), Dave Foley (Postal: The Movie)

"The Good Book told me to make you die, then myself!"

"Stop oppressing us! We're innocent bystanders!"

The Postal Dude's strange uncle, Dave is a religious zealot and the leader of the Cult of Dave. In Postal III, he also owns and runs the Daveland Amusement Park in Catharsis.

---

• A Birthday, Not a Break: Uncle Dave's compound ends up being besieged and later stormed by the ATF on the day of his birthday.
• Blatant Lies: Claims at the start of the ATF siege that he and his cult are just innocent bystanders. The ATF don't buy it all.
• Cool Uncle: Dave is the Dude's uncle, and is nice enough to his nephew that he goes out of his way to give Uncle Dave a birthday present. He's also the only known member of the Dude's family who seems to be on good terms with him.
• The Dragon: To Mayor Raul Chomo and Bin Laden in Postal III.
• Dual Boss: If you take the Good Path in III, he, along with Chomo and Osama, serves as the penultimate boss.
• Even Evil Has Loved Ones: He may be a religious cult leader, but he's by far the only member of the Postal Dude's immediate family that seems to be on good terms with him. When they meet again in Paradise Lost, Uncle Dave seems happy to see him.
• The Fundamentalist: His appearance in Postal 2 has him as a crazed religious leader that uses Christian imagery, complete with his own cult compound. By the time of Paradise Lost, he's mellowed out and moved to growing marijuana.
• Lovable Sex Maniac: In the Postal movie, he used the cult as an excuse to get laid. The Dude says as much in Postal III's intro.
• New-Age Retro Hippie: He survived the assault on his compound and the Apocalypse in Postal 2. In the interim 11 years between P2 and Paradise Lost, he's disbanded the cult and converted his compound into a greenhouse complex for growing pot.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Well, a certain kind of "celebrity". Uncle Dave is loosely based on late cult leader David Koresh. Both are enigmatic cult leaders who end up in a standoff with the ATF outside their cult compound, though Uncle Dave survives the events of Postal 2 while Koresh died in the Waco Siege.
• Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Managed to survive the ATF raid on his compound, the Apocalypse and the nuclear blast from Apocalypse Weekend all on his own. By the time the Dude encounters him in Paradise Lost, he's no worse for wear.

The Bitch

The Bitch

"When you're done screwing around, I made a list of errands for you on the fridge."

Played by: Victoria Bell (Postal 2), Wendy Carlson (Paradise Lost, normal form), Ashley Maina (Paradise Lost, demon form)

The Dude's nagging fat wife who constantly has him doing errands for her. After the Dude tries and fails to kill himself to no longer listen to her bitching at the end of the second game, she leaves him behind and moves back in with her mother. She returns in Paradise Lost, where she has lost most of her weight and is about to marry Mike J.

---

• Action Girl: She becomes one in Paradise Lost, where she is able to wield a katana and use it efficiently thanks to losing all that weight. Unfortunately, she is still pretty pissed at the Dude.
• Arch-Enemy: By the time of Paradise Lost, she grows to hate her husband so much that tries to kill him on sight.
• Beautiful All Along: In Paradise Lost, she reveals that she went on a diet for the past 11 years and slimmed down considerably. Turns out, she is quite the looker, not that it takes long before she gains her weight back.
• Big Bad: Of Postal 2, ultimately, and a very interesting example. She initially starts out by nagging and bickering the Dude into running errands everyday to the point that he kills himself so that he doesn't have to put up with her anymore. In Paradise Lost, the Bitch first appears as The Dragon for Mike J on Wednesday, however, as the game progresses, The Bitch loses her looks and Mike J, who is part of the plot only due to "the hot chick he wants to marry", loses his interest and leaves, leaving The Bitch as the last villain.
• Boss Battle: The only mandatory, story-related boss in Paradise Lost.
• Defiant to the End: She keeps talking down to Dude about how worthless he is, completely ignoring the Dude setting the timer on his IED in order to finally kill her.
• Domestic Abuse: Can be read as this, as she's extremely verbally abusive to the Dude and even goes as far as to lock him out of their trailer all day long.
• Fan Disservice: During her second boss battle, you can occasionally see under her wedding dress and see that she's not wearing any underwear.
• Fat Bitch: Never shown in the original game, though the movie went for this. Paradise Lost confirmed it was the case, and even though she's not one anymore, she becomes one again before the day is out.
• Final Boss: She serves as the final boss battle of Paradise Lost.
• Hate Sink: She single-handedly turns Dude's live into living hell in the original Postal 2 and somehow even managed to use his attempted suicide as an excuse to nag at him. In Paradise Lost, she takes her bitchness to a whole level and essentially becomes an Arch-Enemy for the Dude, even trying to abduct his dog just to spite him.
• Heel Realization: If you get through Paradise Lost without a single kill on your criminal record and beat the final boss, the Bitch admits that she is wrong about the Dude and how horrible she has been to him, and begs to have him back. The Dude responds by coldly rejecting her, leaving her a sobbing mess.
  The Bitch: "Oh I can see it all now. I was wrong. It wasn't the demonic mad cow zombie I was in love with. It's you I loved all along. Will you take me back? You gotta take me back! What will I do? How can I possibly live without you?"
  Postal Dude: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit."
• Jerkass: Constantly treats the Dude like complete and utter shit for no apparent reason and shows no appreciation whatsoever for the effort he puts into running her errands while she does nothing but stay in the trailer.
• Kick the Dog: A literal example when she kidnaps Champ to force Dude to fight her.
• Knight of Cerebus: Contrast to the Black Comedy atmosphere of the games, her bitchiness is taken very seriously, to the point where Dude would rather die than be in her presence.
• Never Learned to Read: If the Dude is telling the truth, not only did she not bother to read Catch Her in the Rye, she can't even read at all.
• One-Winged Angel: She turns into a giant, fat Humanoid Abomination in her final battle against the Dude.
• Only Known by Their Nickname: Her name in the credits is simply the Bitch, though given she's married to a guy named The Postal Dude, Jr., it could be her real name for all we know. This notion being reinforced by the fact that it's the name given on her health bar during the boss fights against her and even her new husband referring to her as "Bitch"..
• "The Reason You Suck" Speech: In Paradise Lost, she gives one to the Dude after her One-Winged Angel form is defeated, going on at the Dude, freshly reunited with Champ, about how worthless he is. The Dude then shuts her up by hurling his spare IED into her mouth and blasting her to kingdom come.
  The Bitch: "You asshole! You spineless worm! You think you won here? You haven't won anything! You haven't achieved a single thing in your worthless life. Nothing but a deadbeat. You were a terrible husband, you couldn't hold a job, you couldn't peform in bed, you couldn't even complete a simple list of chores! And worst of all: YOU NEVER GOT ME MY ROCKY ROAD!"
  • Unless you have no kills on the criminal record, in which she gives the opposite kind of speech. See Heel Realization above.
• Serious Business: Even after 11 years, she still hasn't forgotten that damn Rocky Road.
• Trademark Favorite Food: Rocky road ice cream. So much that the Dude would rather kill himself than face her wrath for forgetting it, an errand for Wednesday in Paradise Lost foreshadows her return with getting donations for her chocolate addiction, and after her Final Boss fight, she is still pissed at the Dude for forgetting her rocky road after all these years.
• Ungrateful Bastard: Despite constantly helping her out with her errands and providing the money she needs to survive, she shows absolutely no gratitude to the Dude. Instead, she just complains to him how miserable and worthless he is.
• Unseen No More: Throughout the base Postal 2, the Bitch is only heard arguing with The Dude and moves back in with her mother by the time of Apocalypse Weekend, but she finally makes an in-person appearance with her own character model in Paradise Lost.

Running With Scissors

Played by: Marcus Davis (staff), Stacy Treumann (POSTAL babes)

"Vince needs to see you, Dude."

The video-game developer responsible for the very existence of the POSTAL franchise.

---

In General

• Action Girl: In Paradise Lost, POSTAL babes will fight just as well as the male developers.
• Badass Bookworm: RWS staff are almost always armed with assault rifles and are some of the toughest NPCs in the game who can withstand about as much punishment as a SWAT or National Guard member.
• Celebrity Paradox: One of the missions in Paradise Lost requires you to deliver and install a game to the local arcade. The game in question is POSTAL Redux.
• Creator Cameo: It's not everyday that you see dev-team's members are also characters in the very game that they created. Turning on the subtitles will reveal that every in-game RWS member is modeled after a real employee and will display said employee's first name in the captions. In Paradise Lost, this is taken further, with many new dev-team members having their own unique face models of their own.
• Color-Coded for Your Convenience: They wear either black shirts with their company's logo on the back, or red or blue ones with I Regret Nothing written on them, as well as baseball caps with the RWS logo.
• Law of Disproportionate Response: They can tolerate a few shots of friendly fire without attacking. On the other hand, flipping them off will turn them hostile instantly.
• Ms. Fanservice: The POSTAL babes serve this specific purpose, both in and out universe.
• Red Shirt: They are the only genuine allies Dude has in Paradise, and will always defend him from any attackers. Of course, this doesn't apply if you play on "They Hate Me" difficulty or higher.
• The Smurfette Principle: In Paradise Lost, Simone McDermott is shown as the only female dev-team member.

Vince Desi

Vince Desi

Played by: Vince Desi (Postal 2, Paradise Lost, Postal: The Movie, and Postal 4)

"Nothin' personal, man, but you're fired."

"Your check is on my desk. Go get it!"

^{Click here to see his appearance in Postal 4} "We know you've been two-timing us with the city. Don't screw with the family!"

The head of Running With Scissors and a supporting character in the games and movie. After the collapse of Paradise at the end of Apocalypse Weekend, he became the leader of the Church of the VC Clan, comprised of former RWS employees. By the time of Postal 4, he's emigrated to Edensin and now works as the leader of the enigmatic Syndicate, employing the Postal Dude on Thuesday.

---

• Adam Westing: He's the lead dev of the series who portrays an exaggerated parody of himself.
• And Then John Was a Zombie: He gets infected when the zombies attack the church in Paradise Lost.
• Badass Boast: Has one as a zombie that is a Call-Back to the very first thing he says to the Dude.
  "Nothing personal dude, but you're fired...from life!"
• Bad Boss: Vince's Establishing Character Moment is firing the Dude, who just started his job not too long ago. On Saturday, he lets the Dude into the publisher's building by sending one of his employees as a suicide bomber. Apparently, he has a habit of firing lots of people too, especially considering he interprets the horde of zombies attacking his house at the start of Sunday to be "pissed off ex-employees" - at least eighty of them. This carries over to Postal 4 as well as he constantly berates the Dude when they're reunited and during the day.
• Brooklyn Rage: He's a New Yorker with Italian heritage and has an accent so thick he wouldn't look out of place in a mafia movie. His in-game avatar parodies this by making him very Hot-Blooded and ruthless, even ordering the Dude to attack his competitors on two occassions. Postal 4 concludes this by making him an outright gangster.
• Corrupt Corporate Executive: Even if he's not as crooked as Bullfish or PU Games, his ways of doing business are rather questionable. He orders the Dude to wipe out his competition twice, and apparently doesn't care about collateral damage he can cause.
• The Dragon: To "The Boss" in Postal 4. The Dude even expresses some surprise when Vince mention he even has a boss.
• Creator Cameo: Along with the rest of the Running With Scissors team.
• Cult: During the interim 11 years between Postal 2 and Paradise Lost, RWS has moved from their office studio to the abandoned Catholic church and formed the "Church of VD".
• Establishing Character Moment: The first time we see Vince, he fires you for no good reason at all. This establishes him as the series' premier Bad Boss and a mean jerk to boot.
• His Name Is...: Just as he is about to tell Dude how to cure Champ, the church gets attacked by zombies and he gets infected.
• Ink-Suit Actor: Modelled on, voiced by, and named after the real Vince Desi.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He eventually comes across as this by treating the Postal Dude to a night of absolute luxury after doing a bunch of errands for him and the Syndicate in Postal 4. It's probably the first time the Dude in Postal 4 finally gets a good reward from the boss he does errands for.
• The Mafia: Acts as the head of the Syndicate in Postal 4.
• The Man Behind the Man: To Mike J in Postal 4, indirectly. Mike might be Edensin's mayor, but as the leader of the Syndicate, the organization running Edensin's gambling circuit, Vince is really the one controlling the city behind closed curtains.
• Unexplained Recovery: In Paradise Lost, despite becoming a zombie at the end Tuesday, he is perfectly fine when you after him during the apocalypse.

Mike J.

Mike Jaret

Played by: Michael Jaret-Schachter (Postal 2, Apocalypse Weekend, Paradise Lost, and Postal 4)

"I AM MIKE J, KOSHER MAD COW ZOMBIE, GOD OF HELLFIRE! ALL BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP MY ASSCOCK!"

"Vince is in his office. You better go see him."

^{Click here to see him as a Kosher Mad Cow Zombie} "YOUR CHIN, MY BALLS!"

^{Click here to see his appearance in Postal 4} "Dude, the world is my bathroom!"

A Producer at Running With Scissors, Mike J appears in the game as just another worker in the Running With Scissors office. However his role gets expanded in Apocalypse Weekend, where he contacts mad cow disease early on Sunday and becomes a Kosher Mad Cow Zombie. He also appears in Paradise Lost as the leader of the remaining Mad Cow Zombies, holing up in both the cemetery and the junkyard. Years later, in Postal 4, he's emigrated to Edensin and found himself a new job: its mayor. After extraditing the Postal Dude back into Edensin, he gives him a list of errands to do on Wednesday.

---

• As Himself: Much like the rest of the Running With Scissors team in Postal 2, he plays himself. Until he gets mad cow disease and turns into a giant monster.
• Attack Of The 15-Foot Kosher Mad Cow Tourettes Zombie
• Benevolent Boss: In Postal 4. Compared to Vince, he's a lot more cordial with the Dude during their reunion, even when he should have every reason to hate him for ruining his marriage.
• Big Bad: Of Apocalypse Weekend. He is the one who has been controlling all those zombies.
  • Subverted in Paradise Lost. It initially seems that he is going to be the big bad of the story, all the more so after the Dude's actions cause the Bitch to gain weight. However, as he has no hot girl to marry anymore he starts to lose interest until finally, after the Bitch has her One-Winged Angel moment, he decides to leave the plot entirely. That said, if you choose to (attempt to) thank the various faction leaders for their help at the end of the game, he does become one of the final bosses.
• Butt-Monkey: When you first see him in the game, his office is in a bathroom. Not to mention he gets infected and becomes the god of the zombies.
• Corrupt Politician: Does some... questionable things as Edensin's mayor in Postal 4. He sends the Postal Dude to crash the opening of Kunny Isand so that he can build his third mansion there. He also triggers a religious turf war with the Wipe Militant by sending the Dude to storm the Wipe Compound and install some bidets, potentially killing everyone in the compound as well.
• Creator Cameo: Like every other RWS employee.
• Evil Is Hammy: As the Kosher Mad Cow God, all of his dialogue is bombastic.
• Final Boss: He serves as this in Apocalypse Weekend. This comes as a surprise because his infection with mad cow and disappearance is only talked about in a throwaway line, and he is otherwise not present for that expansion.
• Greedy Jew: Paradise Lost plays into this by sending Dude to beg for money to fund his wedding and also requests a kosher model breast-pump to peddle his mutant milk to the crowd.
• Happy Dance: Unlike everyone else, he dances when the Dude pisses on him.
• Hollywood Tourette's: Much like the other zombies in the game. He seems to have gotten past it in Paradise Lost, as he is at least able to get through a few lines without using swears as punctuation.
• Humanity Ensues: After being a demon-cow-zombie for about a decade, he somehow goes back to being a human in No Regerts. The Postal Dude tries to question him about this, but it's quickly ignored.
• Humanoid Abomination: As the Kosher Mad Cow Zombie. A generally-human-shaped head and torso, but with a pair of extra spider-like appendages coming out of his back, and the hind legs/udder of a cow. Seems to have recovered as of Postal 4 if his role as the town's mayor is anything to go by.
• Informed Judaism: A gag stemming from the real Mike J being Jewish. He specifically introduces himself as the "Kosher Mad Cow Zombie". One of the errands he sends the Dude on in Paradise Lost is to get a breast-pump to milk himself, and he specifically asks for the "kosher" model. However, this is apparently because it is more gentle on the, uh, cow it's attached to, than because of him being Jewish.
• Maybe Magic, Maybe Mundane: It was hard to tell whether he was real or just another one of the Dude's hallucinations, until Paradise Lost.
• Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: A zombie with elements of a demon and a cow.
• No Indoor Voice: Not a single line of his as the Kosher Mad Cow Zombie is spoken below a shout. This in contrast to his voice in his regular form, after post-2012 patches where he gets to voice himself, where even complaints at friendly fire never go beyond a "what the fuck?" uttered in a conversational tone. By the time of Postal 4, he returns to his older cadence''.
• Toilet Humor: His office in Postal 2 is literally the RWS bathroom. Pissing on him makes him have a Happy Dance. He literally becomes obsessed with bidets in Postal 4: No Regerts, even petitioning for the installation of bidets across the city and having the Dude assault a compound of toilet paper users. His estate is even crowned by a gigantic bidet. If he isn't associated with this in your minds, you likely haven't paid much attention to him personally.
• Unexplained Recovery: In Postal 4, he's no longer the Kosher Mad Cow Zombie. The Postal Dude at least tries to subvert it by asking him how he's a human again, but Mike quickly brushes him off.

Celebrity Guests

Many famous figures find themselves in the weird universe of Postal.

---

In General

• Actor Allusion: There are many references to the celebrity's careers such as Gary Coleman's catchphrase from Diff'rent Strokes, and Zack Ward listing all the films he did, as well as his debut role as Scut Farkus.
• Adam Westing: In essence, celebrity guests are highly exaggerated parodies of their real selves.
• As Himself: They are always modeled after and voiced by their real-life counterparts.
• Rank Scales with Asskicking: They are always much tougher than the average NPCs and in some cases, like Zack Ward, are outright bosses.

Gary Coleman

Gary Coleman

"If see you selling this on eBay, I will come to your house and kick your narrow ass!"

"I got yer 'Willis' right here!"

The former child star himself, Gary appears on Tuesday to attend a book signing of his autobiography, "What I'm Talkin' Bout." He's not thrilled with the idea of people selling his stuff on eBay.

---

• Bodyguarding a Badass: He's one of the toughest NPCs in the game, and has a trio of bodyguards with him during the signing.
• Boss in Mook's Clothing: He has the highest HP of any civilian, barring Krotchy. In Paradise Lost he's a full-on boss with matching health, though only fought in the "Take Over Paradise" ending.
• Celebrity Cameo: The first-ever celebrity to appear (and voice themself) in a Postal game.
• Disney Villain Death: Falls off a cliff in Paradise Lost, twice.
• Fake Shemp: Paradise Lost came out one month shy of five years after his death, so his only lines are stock lines that had already been recorded for the original game 12 years prior. Everything plot-relevant that he didn't already say back then is instead delivered by Big McWillis.
• Mister Big: He's only 4ft tall, but has an implied criminal history and can kill many cops with ease.
• Nice Character, Mean Actor: In the Postal universe, Gary Coleman is a Jerkass who shoos away fans after giving them his autograph and straight up threatens to kick the Postal Dude’s “narrow ass” if Gary sees him selling his autographed book on eBay.
• Skippable Boss: When the police start a shootout with him, the player has the option to completely ignore him and just leave with an autographed copy of "What I'm Talkin' Bout".
• Unexplained Recovery: Comes back for more no matter how many times you blow his brains out. The full list: He (very likely) dies at the book signing, either by your hand or to the police coming for him. On Friday he (and Krotchy) can be found in a jail cell armed to the teeth for no apparent reason. He comes back for Apocalypse Weekend, which, even when you're assuming that you didn't kill him for no good reason, multiple times even, ends with the entire town getting nuked. He comes back again for Paradise Lost, gets thrown down a bottomless chasm, gets in a drill vehicle to try and kill you, only to fall into the previously mentioned chasm again and if you choose to stop by all the faction leaders' hideouts before leaving the city at the end of the game he's back yet again to fight you.

Zach Ward

Zack Ward

"What the fuck is the difference between a duck anyway?"

"I'll shoot your eye out for that!"

The former child star who portrayed the Dude in the Postal movie, and the head of the Gingers. He rolls into Paradise on Wednesday. The Dude can optionally head to the Police Station to fight him on both Wednesday and at the end of Friday.

---

• Adam Westing: Refers to himself as "the great Zack Ward" and a "world-renowned actor extraordinaire", only to learn that the game is playing off from the perception that nobody remembers anything he's done since his child-star days. He even gives off The Long List of various roles he's had in his adulthood, like Titus, Almost Famous, Mike & Molly, and NYPD Blue, only for the Dude to comment that he's not familiar with any of them. Amusingly, the Dude himself goes even further and is even unfamiliar with A Christmas Story.
• Berserk Button: Bringing up his yellow eyes.
• Boss Battle: Most likely the first boss the player goes up against in Paradise Lost.
  • Optional Boss: Twice over, being technically optional for both gaining the required money to fund the wedding on Wednesday and thanking him for his "help" at the end of Friday.
• The Bully: Just as much as one as Scut Farkus was; he'll taunt you during either battle with him.
• Casting Gag: Is one of himself. When you meet him on Wednesday, he lists off a large chunk of roles he's had in his adult life up to that point, but doesn't bring up Postal. Hell, he's even outfitted in Scut's coon hat and wool coat. When you head back to him on Friday, he then adorns his outfit from the movie, declaring himself the "real" Postal Dude.
• Celebrity Paradox: While Postal was never known for canon consistency, the Postal Dude would get Zack Ward as a voice option in Postal 4: No Regerts, despite Zack Ward not only appearing as himself in Paradise Lost, but also having a silent cameo in the intro of 4.
• Guns Akimbo: He dual wields a pair of M16s.
• Palette Swap: His model is, save for a different body, the regular Dude's model retextured to resemble Ward.
• Psychopathic Manchild: His in-game parody's personality and appearance is taken entirely from Scut Farkus, his debut role his did when he was only 13. And he's psychopathic enough to try and kill the Dude out of pettiness.
• Skippable Boss: His fight can be circumvented entirely in Paradise Lost if the player decides to just do the (deliberately tedious) scam charity task, or the player can just take Zack's money and leave without engaging in a fight.
• There Can Be Only One: He says something to this effect if the Dude confronts him on Friday.
  "I'm the real Postal Dude, and I'm ready to kill you to prove it!"

Ron J

Mayor Raul Chomo/Ron J

"Good to meet'cha kid, you're hired."

The mayor of Catharsis (as Chomo) and owner of Porn World (as Ron J). A shady character through and through, he hires the Dude for his first major job.

---

• Actor Allusion: His "Ron J" disguise has a Mario-esque moustache and cap, a not-so-subtle nod to Jeremy's role as the title character of the Super Hornio Bros. porn parodies.
• Big Bad Ensemble: Of the Good Path, along with Dave and Osama, in Postal III.
• Boss Battle: One of the final bosses of the Good Path in III.
• Corrupt Politician: He's far from the best mayor Catharsis has had.
• Dual Boss: You fight him along with Dave and Osama.
• Punny Name: "Chomo" is a slang term for a child molester.

Jennifer Walcott

Jennifer Walcott

"It's important that nobody dies during this event, so make sure any lethal weapons stay in your pants."

The head of the Postal Babes, she allies herself with the Dude as the story progresses. Eventually, she sets up a security force and assists the Dude periodically during the Good Path.

---

• Doesn't Like Guns: Played with; she stresses how important it is for the Dude to avoid using firearms during her promotional shoot, but outside of that they're all fair game.
• Undercover Cop Reveal: In either path's Daveland, like Randy, she ends up becoming a federal agent.

Randy Jones

Randy Jones

Formerly one of the Village People, Randy Jones has taken up residence in Catharsis as the leader of a segway biker gang, though there's a bit more to him than meets the eye.

---

• Undercover Cop Reveal: In either path's Daveland, he turns out to be a federal agent.

Civvie 11

Civvie 11

"Great, and don't get assprints on my door."

"Quit wasting my time!"

The owner and operator of Edensin's local crack dens.

---

• Fat Bastard: He's about as dismissive to the Dude as almost every other denizen of Edensin, as well as his customers, and his model certainly does have a heft to it.
• Hypocritical Humor: Wears a shirt with the old anti-drug slogan "Say No To Drugs"... while running a crack den.
• Iconic Item: Wouldn't be Civvie if he wasn't running around with his makeshift colander helmet.
• Running Gag:
  • His appearance here as the operator of a crack den pretty much continues the running gag and Self-Imposed Challenge of his Postal 2 playthroughs where in he has the Dude get addicted to crack as soon as possible. Further increasing the hilarity of this gag is the sheer fact that he's selling crack at a surprisingly cheap price of ten dollars, meaning the Dude could get his addiction early and keep it coming by going to Civvie's crack den. invoked
  • Another running gag that is borrowed from his web series is Civvie's video game self getting horribly murdered, with the Wednesday trailer actually showcasing the in-game Civvie getting gunned down after not signing the Dude's petition.

Hate Groups

RWS Protesters

Parents for Decency/ The RWS Protestors

"Games are bad! They make you mad!"

Played by: Marcus Davis (Male), Stacie Treumann (Female)

The Parents for Decency (also known as the RWS Protestors) are the first hate group to appear in the game, where they protest outside the Running With Scissors' HQ at the same time the Dude goes to get his check. When the Dude ends up getting said check, they attack the building in an attempt to overrun RWS.

---

• Didn't Think This Through: They attempt to overrun The Running With Scissors HQ to "stop violent video games" and are slaughtered by The RWS Staff and (optionally) the Postal Dude. Justified as no one expects a bunch of random indie game developers in the middle of Arizona to be heavily armed.
• Hypocrite: They're protesting against a video game studio that makes violent video games, and resort to violence to try to take it down. On Thursday three of them can be seen playing at the Quarter Vortex arcade.
• Suspiciously Similar Substitute: They are replaced by the L.A.M.E. Protestors in Apocalyse Weekend and the H.A.A.T Protestors in Paradise Lost. Both of them are jabs at PETA.
• What Happened to the Mouse?: They are nowhere to be seen during the entirety of Apocalypse Weekend and Paradise Lost. They either died during the Apocalypse that happens on Friday or died during the Nuclear Blast in Apocalypse Weekend.
• Zerg Rush: They attempt to overwhelm the Postal Dude and the RWS staff with their superior numbers. Even if the Dude doesn't interfere, the RWS staff will always manage to kill the Protestors because they have a large amount of health and are much more heavily-armed.

Book Protesters

Book Protestors

"Save a tree! Burn a book!"

Played by: Marcus Davis (Male), Stacie Treumann (Female)

"Let's burn some books!"

The second hate group to appear, they storm the library while the Dude is returning his book. They burn down the whole library and kill (mostly) everyone inside.

---

• Asshole Victim: They burn down an entire library full of innocent bystanders to "save the trees". This makes it much more satisfying when the Dude is forced to gun them down.
• Combat Pragmatist: Two of them attempt to ambush the Dude on his way to the Church, and take up defensive positions on a balcony instead of directly confronting him like the rest of the Book Protestors do.
• Hitler Ate Sugar: One of their protest signs reads "ACHTUNG! Hitler wrote a book!". Not taking into account that the Nazis themselves burned books.
• Hypocrite: You can potentially see one of their members standing in line for a Gary Coleman autobiography book.
• Kill It with Fire: Their method of getting rid of books.
• Palette Swap: They are basically the Parents for Decency but with a hatred towards books instead of violent video games.
• What Happened to the Mouse?: Just like the Parents for Decency, they are nowhere to be seen in Apocalypse Weekend or Paradise Lost.

Rednecks

Rednecks

"You fight like a little girly-girl!"

Played by: Timothy Kuder

"Imma make him squeal like a chicken!"

The third hate group to appear in Postal 2, they either knock-out the Postal Dude while he's pissing on his dad's grave or attack him for getting their Christmas tree. They stand out from the other hate groups as the only one to appear in all of Postal's expansions.

---

• Adaptational Heroism: Their counterparts in Eternal Damnation are considerably less evil than their Postal counterparts. They defend John Murray from some zombies and unlike most of Hasselridge's inhabitants, they don't call John a psycho and inform him of the zombie outbreak. Unfortunately, while trying to defend themselves from the zombies they accidently cause an explosion that makes some rocks crush them.
• Bestiality Is Depraved: When the Dude goes to the pound to rescue Champ in Apocalypse Weekend, he finds out that the Rednecks have taken over the pound and have outfitted the cats and dogs in Gimp Suits. One of them even tells a dog that "he will be a great addition to the harem". Unsuprisingly once the Dude finds out what's going on they trap him inside the pound and attempt to kill him.
• Demoted to Extra: They start off as the third hate group encountered in Postal 2. In Apocalypse Weekend, they only appear towards the end when the Dude searches the pound for Champ. In Paradise Lost, they only appear once when the Dude buys some chemicals for Gary Coleman and unlike before, fighting them is completely optional and even if the Dude steals the chemicals from them, they won't even become a hate group.
• Department of Redundancy Department: If the Dude runs from them, they taunt him saying "You fight like a little girly-girl"
• Depraved Homosexual: They kidnap the Postal Dude while he's pissing on his dad's grave and put him in a Gimp Suit. Once the Postal Dude wakes up he overhears the rednecks arguing over which one is going to rape him first.
• Disproportionate Retribution: Their response to the Dude getting their favorite Christmas tree is to try to murder him. After he kills a few (or all) of them, the Rednecks kidnap him, dress him up in a Gimp Suit and attempt to rape him. It's a good thing The Postal Dude regains consciousness before they could do anything else to him.
• Early-Bird Cameo: The Rednecks can actually be encountered as early as Monday, some of them are playing video games at Grossman's Arcade and others are seen roaming around Chicken Queen Estates.
• Inbred and Evil: They are Rednecks after all, and they will make references to being inbred.
• Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping: Their counterparts in Eternal Damnation don't sound Southern at all and instead have Swedish accents. To quote Civvie 11:
  "Civvie 11: Okay sure that guy's about as Southern as a diverse gene pool"
• Pet the Dog: When they meet John Murray, they don't call him a psycho and actually show concern for his well-being despite the whole zombie outbreak going on. Too bad they don't last long...

Butchers

Butchers

Played by: Marcus Davis

"What are you doing here?"

The fourth hate group encountered, they are employees of Meat World who turn out to be making steaks and meat out of humans. When the Dude catches them in the act while looking for some steaks, they attack him in an attempt to silence him.

---

• Early-Bird Cameo: They appear primarily during Thursday but they can be encountered as early as Monday.
• He Knows Too Much: Their reason for attacking the Postal Dude is because he finds out their meat is made from humans and don't want that information to get out.
• I'm a Humanitarian: It turns out that the meat they have been selling is made out of people. This is probably why the Police and SWAT raid the place once the Dude retrieves the steaks.
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast: They are known in the source code as "Slaughterers", befitting their status as blood-stained cannibals.
• Villain Ball: Their secret wouldn't have been found out if they had just locked the door or just had somebody at the front desk to give the Postal Dude his steaks.
• What Happened to the Mouse?: While Meat World can be found in Paradise Lost, it is completely abandoned and the Butchers are nowhere to be seen. They are instead replaced by the Food Technicians.

Carriers

Carriers

"Let's see here...yes, Mr. Dude."

Played by: Marcus Davis (Male), Stacie Treumann (Female)

The fifth and last hate group (at least for Postal 2). They are Postal Service workers, thankfully they don't go postal. Instead they attack the Postal Dude when it turns out his package is explosive or when he forcefully breaks into the Parcel Center.

---

• Demoted to Extra: Their only appearance in Paradise Lost is the corpse of a female carrier inside a bathtub of a house at Chicken Queen Estates.
• Going Postal: They are heavily armed, aggressive post office workers who try to kill the Dude.
• Instant Emergency Response: Implied. The Postal Dude is halfway through the facility and immediately SWAT troopers start dropping in from helicopters.
• Ms. Fanservice: The female carriers have quite revealing clothing.
• Schmuck Bait: The package is sent from "Osama Middle School, Kabul, Afghanistan". There are also numerous spelling errors on the package. It doesn't help when the player encounters numerous packages like this inside The Terrorist Training Camp in Apocalypse Weekend.
• Too Dumb to Live: In addition to the numerous red flags on the package itself, there are multiple posters inside the Parcel Center warning people not to accept packages like the Postal Dude's. Yet they still do anyway.
• What Happened to the Mouse?: Apart from their aforementioned cameo, the Carriers are nowhere to be seen in Paradise Lost. Their Postal Service Center has been turned into a Bandit hideout where some leftover posters connected to mail are seen. It is implied they fled Paradise.

Terrorists

Terrorists / Taliban / Al Qaeda

"Ulalalalala!"

Played by: Joe Cernigalia and Ryan Mckenzie

"We claim this holy land in the name of Allah! Prepare to die infidels!"

A local terrorist infestation in Paradise, they are responsible for the various terrorist acts occurring inside the town. Despite not being an official hate group in Postal 2, they are encountered frequently throughout the week. They finally become an official hate group in Apocalypse Weekend, when the Postal Dude storms their Training Camp. In Paradise Lost, they have started to smoke Marijuana and as a result have renounced their violent ways. They now aid the Postal Dude in his quest to save Champ despite previous incidents.

---

• Absurdly Spacious Sewer: They have seized control of one named the "Obligatory Sewer Complex" that is located just behind the Postal Dude's house. It turns out to be the lead-up to their hidden base near the side of a mountain that houses several of their elite members. Said elite members are also packing nuclear weapons and rocket launchers.
• Battle Cry: All of the terrorists will ululate upon spotting an enemy.
• Devil in Plain Sight: Are able to infiltrate Paradise pretty well despite it being very obvious that they're terrorists and up to no good. Some of them are also running as candidates in the local election.
• Drugs Are Good: They have considerably mellowed out in Paradise Lost as a result of smoking marijuana. Backfired when it turns out that due to persistent drug use they have stopped doing any work at the Medicinal Herb Farm.
• The Fundamentalist: As expected from Islamic terrorists, they like to call other people infidels and later storm a church to claim it "in the name of Allah".
• Heel–Face Return: In Paradise Lost, they have renounced their violent ways and have become peace-loving New-Age Retro Hippies who assist the Postal Dude... at least until he accidentally reminds them of the whole "72 virgins" thing, which is enough to convince them to immediately go back on the warpath.
• New-Age Retro Hippie: In Paradise Lost, after renouncing their violent ways in favor of drugs.
• Off with His Head!: A few terrorists inside the Lucky Ganesh on Thursday are preparing to execute with a machete while he begs for his life. Sooner or later, one of them will decapitate the poor guy.
• Villains Out Shopping: A lone terrorist can be spotted reading books in the Library on Tuesday. Books about how to make bombs nonetheless.
• You All Look Familiar: The male and female terrorists all share the same model, with the male terrorists all resembling Osama Bin Laden.

Other Weirdos

Paradise

The Therapist

The Therapist

"We may never know what exactly set him off, but rest assured, we will have plenty of time to study him."

Played by: Uncredited (Postal), Corey Cruise (Postal Redux)

A psychiatric ward doctor who oversees the Dude's post-rampage state at the end of the first game. In Redux, he narrates the endings of the Campaign and Rampage modes.

---

• Bedlam House: He seems to work in one if the ending is any indication, at least from Postal Dude's perspective.
• The Voice: He is never seen on-screen, only narrating reports about the Dude's shattered psyche.

The Marching Band

The Marching Band

*Stars and Stripes Forever playing*

"A glorious symphony of slaughter! 76 tromboners led the death parade..."

—The Postal Dude

A marching band that strolls through Paradise in the first two Postal games and Paradise Lost.

---

• Butt-Monkey: Things rarely go well for them. In Postal 2 alone, they get attacked by a Taliban suicide bomber and attacked by belligerent elephants, and this is without Postal Dude having any interference. In Paradise Lost, they turn out to have been zombified offscreen.
• Innocent Bystander: Even back in Postal 1, they're not classified as hostiles and won't attack the player. They later become victims of a Terrorist attack and will get attacked by belligerent elephants in Postal 2.
• Leitmotif: Stars and Stripes Forever in both of their appearances. They end up playing a much more distorted version in Paradise Lost, owing to them being zombified.
• Throw the Dog a Bone: You can save them from the aforementioned Suicide bomber in Postal 2. You even get an achievement for it.

Krotchy

Krotchy / The Wise Wang

"Krotchy ain't got no cojones. Krotchy IS cojones, bitch!"

Played by: Marcus Davis (Postal 2 and Postal III), Greg Blackman (Paradise Lost), Vince Desi (Postal Movie)

"You think you can take Krotchy down?"

The mascot of the wildly popular Krotchy Doll, which is modeled after a giant human scrotum. He first appears on Thursday to advertise the Krotchy and Larry the Crab dolls before reappearing in Paradise Lost as the "The Wise Wang".

---

• Beware the Silly Ones: He's one of the goofiest characters in the series, yet despite that he boasts a ton of health and carries around a rocket launcher!
• Boss Battle: Unless you bribe him (see Skippable Boss below), you'll have a battle with him in the Toy Store after acquiring the Krotchy Doll. In Postal 3, you fight him as a boss near the end of the "Insane" story path.
• Demoted to Extra: In Postal 4: No Regerts, he never appears physically, with his presence being reduced to collectable plush dolls, his face as graffiti, and on a few televisions.
• Goofy Suit: Can't get much goofier than a suit of male genitalia with a smile painted on it.
• Immune to Bullets: In Postal 2 he's bulletproof, but takes damage from everything else, including explosives, melee weapons, and thrown scissors. In Postal 3 he loses this attribute but has a huge amount of health instead.
• Mascot: Parodied. He's the mascot for a scrotum toy. Amusingly, aside from the Dude himself, he's probably the most recognizable character in the franchise.
• Mr. Exposition: Serves this purpose as the Wise Wang in Paradise Lost. Funnily enough, you aren't forced into sitting through his exposition and he'll call you out for disrupting it.
• Skippable Boss: You can avoid fighting him on Thursday by bribing him for the last Krotchy Doll with either all your currently carried cash, or Gary Coleman's book.
• Stuff Blowing Up: His preferred weapon is the Rocket launcher (which he fires homing missiles with), though he will switch to a Machine Gun if you get too close for comfort.
• Unexplained Recovery: Like Gary, even if you kill him, he'll (somehow) be in prison on Friday, sharing a cell with Gary.

Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden

Played by: Michael Jaret-Schachter (Postal III), Marcus Davis (Paradise Lost)

The terrorist leader of Al Qaeda. Most of his group are stationed in Paradise's sewers and Catharsis' soup kitchens.

---

• Big Bad Ensemble: In Postal III, with Dave and Chomo.
• Boss Battle: One of the final bosses of the Good Path in Postal III.
• Dual Boss: You fight him along with Dave and Chomo.
• The Ghost: Despite being mentioned multiple times and being responsible for the staggering amount of Paradise-based terrorists in Postal 2, he doesn't actually appear at all in the game. He actually shows up in Postal III and Paradise Lost, however.
• New-Age Retro Hippie: In the 11 years between Apocalypse Weekend and Paradise Lost, he and the rest of Al Qaeda started smoking weed, leading them to renounce their violent ways. However, all it takes to bring him and his followers back on the blood path is a reminder of the promise of 72 virgins in heaven for it.

Yeeland

Yeeland

"You have spunk, I like that. Tell you what, meet me in the backroom and maybe we could work out a deal."

Played by: Marcus Davis (Paradise Lost)

The owner of Yeeland's Funland, an arcade at the Paradise Mall that's a front for an arms smuggling operation.

---

• Arms Dealer: He runs an arms smuggling operation behind the scenes. He requests that the Dude donate weapons Yeeland needs for the operation in exchange for getting Vince Desi's new game in Yeeland's arcade.
• Cutting the Knot: Of course, you can just blow his head off and install those motherboards without sacrificing your weapons. Do so at your own risk, however. Not only is he packing a Rocket Launcher, his security guards will come swarming in and they will not let up until your business is done at Yeeland's Arcade and you get the fuck out of there.
  • Don't enter his office, either. Not unless you have some armor, some Health Pipes, and a surplus of ammo to burn.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Yeeland was based off of Leland Yee, a California State senator and gun-control advocate who was charged with crimes relevant to arms trafficking and passed a bill that criminalized the sale of M-rated video games to minors (which was later found to be unconstitutional).
• Palette Swap: He's practically Phraud Hogslop from Apocalypse Weekend with a green and orange suit adorned with dollar signs and a nasally New Yorker accent.

Edinsin

Joseph Bellows

Joseph Bellows

"Ah, a new client! Come in, come in! Make yourself comfortable... maybe loosen your belt a little."

Played by: David Eddings

The owner of the local employment agency in Edensin, and the first person the Postal Dude contacts while looking for a job. He gives the player their errands to do on Monday.

---

• Ambiguously Gay: Some of his lines toward the Dude are very implicit sexual favours.
• Fat Bastard: Downplayed; he's not that bad a guy, but he's definitely got the gut.
• Nice Guy: He's one of the few people in Edensin to act cordially towards the Dude despite his looking like a hobo.
• Put on a Bus: He leaves the plot on Tuesday owing to some business across the border, directing the Dude to work for his associate, El Plago, for the day. This ends up saving him on Friday when "The Boss" tasks the Dude with killing his previous employers.

Kunny

Kunny

Played by: Mc Kinlay Jaret-Schachter

The Distaff Counterpart to Krotchy, Kunny is the newest mascot unveiled by KrotchyCo, who are opening a theme park in Edensin.

---

• Boss Battle: Fought with or without Carter Cruise on Wednesday if the Dude destroys Kunny Island's power boxes without bribing either of them or killing the other boss first.
• Distaff Counterpart: KrotchyCo's official female counterpart to their beloved Krotchy.

Tinklage

Tinklage

Played by: Jake "The Voice" Parr

The leader of the Wipe Militants, a religious group in the town obsessed with toilet paper. He is first encountered on Wednesday when Mike J sends the Postal Dude to dismantle his cult.

---

• Boss Battle: Fought by the Dude on Wednesday, and the first major boss battle in Postal 4.
• Depraved Dwarf: Tinklage is a dwarf and also the leader of a cult obsessed with toilet paper.
• Expy: Clearly based on Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones.

Skeevy Hotel Owner

Skeevy Hotel Owner

Played by: Justin Hill

A mysterious person that the Postal Dude encounters throughout his journey through Edensin.

---

• Angel Unaware: Possibly. Should you beat the game without killing anyone, he provides the Dude and Champ with their trailer for free, saying that their mercy impressed him and another unspecified party. As soon as the Dude's back is turned to him and he mentions that his guardian angel might be overlooking him and Champ, the man sprouts black angel wings and flies away.
• Expy: Of the G-Man. Both are mysterious humanoid figures that observe their respective protagonists on their journey and talk in an Accent Upon The Wrong Syllable. By the end of their respective games, everything surrounding them remains a mystery.
• Greater-Scope Villain: It is implied that he was the one who stole the Dude’s trailer at the start of the game, given the title screen shows his silouette looming over the trailer, and the fact he generously and suspiciously gives it back to him.

Spoiler Characters (Unmarked Spoilers)

The Boss

"The Boss"/The Postal Dude, Sr.

"I regret nothing. Except you."

Played by: Corey Cruise^note if the Dude is voiced by either Ward or St. John, Rick Hunter^note if the Dude is voiced by Cruise, or Jon St. John^note if the Dude is voiced by Hunter

"We're at the place called climax, and the time called now."

^{Click here to see him before the reveal} "I see all. And I know all."

The enigmatic kingpin of Edensin, "The Boss" controls the town from the top of the ERC Tower. He enlists the Postal Dude's help on Friday to clear up the last loose ends on his list of tasks. When he meets him in person, though, he finds that they've got more in common than he realizes…

---

• Ambiguous Situation: There's a few hints that imply he's the same Postal Dude from the original Postal, such as the red trenchcoat or referencing the Air Force Base loading screen, but it's never outright confirmed or denied, likely intentionally.
• Archnemesis Dad: As it turns out, he's the Postal Dude's birth father.
• Big Bad: Of Postal 4, ultimately. He's been engineering the events of the game in order to bring his son closer to him and manipulates him into solidifying his control of Edensin.
• Expy: The monitor he uses to converse with the Postal Dude in the intro of Friday resembles the one used by Mr. House in Fallout: New Vegas.
• Disney Villain Death: How he ultimately goes out, falling from the top of the ERC Tower.
• Evil Sounds Deep: Before The Reveal, his voice is mechanically filtered to sound much deeper and more threatening.
  • Evil Sounds Raspy: After The Reveal, if voiced by Corey. Averted if voiced by Rick or Jon, as they use the same tones they do when playing the regular Dude.
• Faking the Dead: Remember Senior's grave and how pissing on it was an errand for Wednesday? Turns out the old man wasn't dead after all, and that grave was actually for the Postal Dude's stepfather.
• Final Boss: The final enemy you face in Postal 4 after he makes you deal with all your previous employers. This is averted however if you place a milk carton on the penthouse's table, wherein he drinks it and ends up stumbling over the balcony of his penthouse thanks to his lactose-intolerance without putting up a fight.
• Generation Xerox: Apart from the balding head, wrinkled face, and greying hair, he looks almost exactly like his son.
• The Man Behind the Man: As he confirms in the intro to Friday, he's behind almost everything in the game, even more so than Mike J and Vince. Per his own words, he sees all. And he knows all.
• Subverted Catchphrase: His last words of "I regret nothing. Except you." before his presumed death.
• Walking Spoiler: His mere existence is a massive endgame spoiler; as he is revealed to be the mastermind behind everything that happened in Edinsin, as well as the Dude's real father.
• Weaksauce Weakness: Of all things, milk.

The Other Dude

The Alternate Postal Dude/The Other Dude

"Yes. I cannot be vanquished. Every time you kill me, I become stronger. I am you, and you are me. I'm like a fucking Jungian persona, a cancer at the back of the head, the demon that won't let you sleep at night."

Played by: Corey Cruise (Postal III and Paradise Lost), Rick Hunter (Postal: Brain Damaged)

"Just kidding, kids. Do as I say, not as I do."

^{Click here to see his appearance in Brain Damaged} "We've had this conversation many, many times -and each time I only grow stronger."

The protagonist of Postal III, deuteragonist of Paradise Lost, and the Big Bad of Postal: Brain Damaged. After waking up from his coma, the Postal Dude starts to hear a second voice in his head. At first it just seems to be lingering after-effects of his gunshot wound somehow changing his voice, but it's not long before that second voice proves to be a separate entity.

---

• Ambiguous Situation:
  • He's implied to be the demon from the first game, giving the voice lines for the Dude in that game, seeing how he's referred to as a "demon" in that game and he himself refers to himself as a demon in Brain Damaged. However, it is never confirmed or denied, likely on purpose.
  • He does state that the Dude has already killed him multiple times before, and he always came back. It remains ambiguous if he was simply gloating or was really serious and the Dude killing him in the ending did nothing. As stated above, if the implication that he's the demon from the first game is true, it's possible that he really meant it and, while the Dude is nowhere near as Ax-Crazy as he is in the first game, he will always be a part of him.
    • It's also never made clear if he is indeed the same character in Paradise Lost and Brain Damaged, though for the sake of brevity, the folder on this page will treat them as such.
• Almighty Janitor: A literal example in III, as he works as the police station's janitor in the Good Path before getting recruited by the SWAT team.
• Anti-Hero: In the good route of Postal III; you can be a hero, but you're still a self-centered Jerkass Sociopath who really is only doing this for profit.
• Ax-Crazy: He encourages the P2!Dude (and the player) to take the violent route in Paradise Lost.
• Badass Longcoat: He sports a brown, ankle-length duster in III and keeps it in Paradise Lost.
  • In Brain Damaged, to make himself further standout from his "original", the Other Dude wears the signature black trenchcoat over his hospital gown.
• Boom, Headshot!: How he meets his end. During his speech no less.
• Deadpan Snarker: Wouldn't be a Postal Dude if he wasn't.
• Enemy Without: As of Friday in Paradise Lost, where actively inhibits the regular Dude's progress throughout all three errands. Though subverted by the end as the two make up.
• Earn Your Happy Ending: At the end of a Pacifist Run of Postal III, he uses the gasoline he acquired (and didn't waste by setting people on fire) to get out of Catharsis, marries Jennifer Walcott, sells a book about the second game's events, wins the Lottery and settles down in a huge mansion.
• Even Evil Has Standards: In the opening, he has a noticeably shocked expression when he brings up getting steaks, which lead to him encountering cannibal butchers.
• Evil Twin: Parodied, as a subtle shout out to Duke Nukem: Zero Hour.
  P2!Dude: Who the hell are you? My evil twin?
  P3!Dude: I'm you, genius.
• Final Boss: Of Brain Damaged, both fighting by himself, and then his second phase piloting a mech.
• Hand Wave: How he separated from the Dude in Paradise Lost is completely brushed aside, with III Dude simply saying that he decided to "step out for some fresh air" before he runs off to do the Friday errands.
• Hannibal Lecture: In the ending of Brain Damaged, he gives a speech on how the Dude will never be able to get rid of him, and he will forever be in his mind... only for the Dude to blow half his head off with his shotgun.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Proves to be this by the end of Paradise Lost by saving Dude!Prime from the Bitch's collapsing lair in Hell. The two make up not long after.
• Mirror Match: His first phase in Brain Damaged has him play like the player and use the Dude's weapons, kinda like Jakob from DUSK.
• Mundane Solution: In a Pacifist Run of Postal III, he just uses all the gasoline he acquires throughout the game to fill up his car and drive out of Catharsis when the Venezuelan army invaded.
• Name Amnesia: In the intro to Postal III, he offhandedly mentions that he doesn't know his own real name.
• Our Presidents Are Different: Gets elected in a landslide election in Postal III's Good ending. This instantly backfires when Champ (who is mentioned to be the Vice President) finds a Big Red Button and the Dude, without hesitation, pushes it.
• Palette Swap: His model in Paradise Lost is, save for a different hairstyle, the regular Dude's model retextured to resemble the PIII!Dude.
• Red Eyes, Take Warning: In Brain Damaged, he has glowing red dotes on his sunglasses unlike the Dude. Also, you can briefly see his eyes actually are red, not green, when they fly out of his skull during his death.
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: When Champ gets dragged to Hell, he quickly calls it quits, not seeing the dog being worth saving anymore. When the P2!Dude gets him back, however, he admits he was wrong.
  • He does come back to free the Dude from hell and make amends with him.
• Shout-Out: Several concerning him in Brain Damaged
  • His first phase, as stated above, is a Mirror Match that plays similarly to Jakob
  • When he begins his Hannibal Lecture, he mimics the "THINK MARK" pose Omni-Man does, complete with the "main" Dude being in a similar pose to Mark.
• Split Personality: From Monday till Thursday in Paradise Lost. Subverted on Friday when he becomes an Enemy Without. Although due to the Other Dude asking about "a pack of ostriches" that have been "missing for 17 years" at one point, he's apparently been retconned into having existed in the Dude's mind since all the way back in Postal 1, maybe even being the "one in charge" during the events of it.
• Villain Protagonist: In the Evil route of Postal III. He's so evil in fact that the ending sees him banished to hell.
• Walking Spoiler: An interesting case. First-time players of Paradise Lost are made privy to his existence in the introductory cutscene, but he gets himself a physical body at the start of Friday and starts beating you to the punch of every errand.
  • In Brain Damaged, he himself isn't a spoiler, since he's seen throughout the game, though the ending gives a bit of insight for who he might really be…