10 Reviews in 10 Minutes
- The second episode sees a fake LEGO set, sending Stu into hysterics as to how he'll build it in a minute. He only gets to assembling the minifigure before the time runs out after spending a good third of the time limit trying to get it open ("Packaging by Fort Knox"). The next item is a package opener.
- The stinger features the fully-assembled set (a tractor), which is so cheaply designed that the figure can't be put inside.
- Dan in the post-stinger stinger, making fun of the posh way Ashens says "Hello!" at the start of his videos.Dan: [in affected Received Pronunciation] Hellew! It's Stuart Ashens heah! And I'm gewing to reveew some tat!
- In the third "10 Reviews" video, one of the items he reviewed was a dummy (or pacifier, to those in the Americas), marketed as an "appeasing nipple". Also featured on the packaging was one of the most bizarre, meaningless, but undeniably magical bits of Engrish, "Kind mothers surely will have MUMLOVE!" Stu and Dan broke down into hysterical laughter at this complete nonsense, and really, who could blame them?
- The fourth "10 Reviews" video has a "Set Funny Pony". Of course, it's a pink pony toy with an oversized forehead, and the box has a bunch of stolen "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" art on it. Stuart decapitates it with a hunting knife.
- Stuart: I always wanted a My Little Pony abattoir set.
- In "10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 5", after Dan carefully sets down a fragile-looking (but creepily deformed) doll, Stuart (quite methodically) looks at it, places it at the back of the sofa, asks Dan to retrieve a nearby crowbar, and proceeds to smash the everloving hell out of it. And he still ends up with about 20 seconds left!
- In "10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 8", item #9 is a cheap Hungry Hungry Hippos knockoff for only two players. Stuart and Dan start playing it... which only lasts about two seconds before Stuart's hippo gets irreparably jammed.
- 10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 13 starts off fairly ordinary, until the plastic radio is played, and it happens to trigger YouTube's copyright. QUACK QUACK. ITALIAN MUSIC. QUACK QUACK QUACK. ITALIAN MUSIC.
- His 'unprofessional' Spit Take reaction to the Creme Egg-lookalikes is hilarious in its own right. But funnier still was the sobering silence when he realized that, lying in one of the cubicles of the package, was a maggot.Ashen: What do they taste like, he regrets asking. (chewing sounds) Oh, Christ!!
- The maggot turned out to be fake.
- When he notices the maggot and stops talking mid-sentence.
- And now the ending of the second episode of Ashen's Tech Dump!Ashen: There must be something you can do it wouldn't.. be a game... don't look at me like that, what's going on... He's crying or something... go on, move- oh my goodness, stop that. Stop that! Oh that's horrible... he's in a corner weeping, that's horrible. No, no, c'mon, Vinnie, we'll find a- is that a gun? Is that a- NO, NO, VINNIE, NO, DON'T DO THAT NO!YOUR FAULT.
- C:\> REBOOT
- REBOOTY PARTY
- The unveiling of Chef Excellence.
- The constant running gag throughout the "Chef Excellence Showcase".
- 'An Excellent Running Gag'
- Pasta Excellence.
- The constant running gag throughout the "Chef Excellence Showcase".
- He ends his POPStation review by turning the device off because "it's making my ears bleed".
- He begins his Neo Double Games review by introducing himself as a "failed psychologist and Internet cunt."
- Before actually booting the device up, he puts on a protective mask and goggles on and declares that "this time, it won't make my ears bleed." Apparently, earplugs aren't enough for the job.
- Pretty much anytime Stuart makes fun of himself counts.
- "This apparently is Street Fighter. Ryu and Ken do not live here."
- Finding out that the "Soccer" game is actually just not-Street Fighter with different graphics, rather than the soccer game in the POPStation.note
- "Overall, I give it an 8 out of 10, but only because it was Made In China and I am terrified of their government."
- From his Gamestation review: He finds himself faced with one of those notorious plastic clamshell packagings that are practically impossible to open up. He decides to go Half-Life and whack at the packaging with a crowbar. It doesn't work. ("For God's sake, doesn't anything in video games work in real life?!") He then resorts to "the Doom method": grinding a chainsaw against the casing.
- From the review of his LEGO set:Ashen: A bag full of LEGO, obviously. Or LEGOs if you're American. Don't know why they say LEGOs instead of LEGO; perhaps that's where the "s" on the end of "Maths" went.
- "I did not hit her! It's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not!...Oh, HaiPad"
- Ashen getting weirded out by a knockoff Transformer, firstly because it turns out to have extra stumpy arms and legs after he rips the first ones off, then because its head flies off to reveal a smaller one underneath.
- Ashen's tvtropes checklist.
- Ashen makes up his own backstory for Chef Excellence, which, as he puts it, sounds like an 80's cartoon, only rubbish.Chef Excellence is some kind of superpowered being from another dimension who has been brought across to our world in order to fight his evil nemesis, Chef Ineptitude. Now, Chef Ineptitude is scouring the world to try and find his three dark liutenants: Chef Tongue, Chef Hair & Chef Rude. Now, the thing is, if he manages to get hold of all of them, he will absorb their souls and form the incredibly destructive creature - Chef Pestilence, who will destroy the world in a wave of overly poncy and extremely antisocial nastiness. Meanwhile, our hero, Chef Excellence, will, of course, go along, capture them first and store them in his special bags he's produced for the purpose - Stay Fresh Evil Bags.
- The One-Armed Colour-Blind Children With Contrasting Jumpers who are apparently the target audience for the board game version of Donkey Kong.
- Also, the ending, where it's revealed that there's no rule for breaking ties.
- His review of the Pac-Man board game, which starts off with a disclaimer stating that we're about to watch "actual footage of grown men playing a children's board game."
- Threatening his friend Larry with bodily harm for stealing his only-sees-his-hands gimmick.
- The description of the game's premise (and pieces):Stuart: What lurks inside...why, lots of gaudy plastic tat—basically, the idea of the game is you take control of this terrifying serrated-teeth Pac-Man or one of his four equally gaudy friends, to avoid the green ghosties and steal as many marbles as possible.
Larry: So basically, Stuart, it's "Hungry Hungry Hippos: Mensa Edition".
Stuart: That works for me.
- His video detailing his adventure with a spy pen:Stuart: I'm not recording this, you know.
- All the more hilarious when you consider the footage is a real conversation between Stuart and his plumber.
- The "Meet the Team" portion of his GI Joe Knock-Offs/Cheap Army Figures review.
- WILL YOU KEEP THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP IN HERE!
- The intro to the first Poundland Food Special, and the reason Chef Excellence wasn't part of it.
- While he's putting together some knock-off Constructicons:Eeeh there he is, with his erect...Moving swiftly along!
- Ashen mispronouncing "Amazon" a few times (A-may-zon instead of A-mah-zon), then stating that he deliberately mispronounced it "to see if there are any idiots watching who, rather than watching the rest of the video, will instead immediately jump into the comments on YouTube going, 'You pronounced 'Amazon' wrong ra ra ra and also I have never kissed a girl.'"
"If you're in China and you need to say that, you should probably get the hell out of China as quickly as you can, because something has gone horribly wrong."
- From the same video: Stuart discovers an English-to-Chinese translator on the device, and uses it to see the Chinese translation for "a bag of bones."
- The intro sequence for his review of the Dingoo A320 is a bit different from other episodes as the drawing of Ashens suddenly starts headbanging to heavy metal guitar thrashing."Well, that was different."
- Ashens suddenly dropping the package of a fake Darth Vader toy and letting loose a long string of curse words after it shines an LED right directly in his eye.
- The horror of the Little Princess doll.
- An Excellent MaulingAshens: (long lingering death glare)Chef Excellence: Oh Shit.Ashens [to dog]: Oscar... Kill.
- The conclusion to the Karting Grand Prix review.
- When reviewing the knockoff "iPhone 5G," he discovers the stylus slot for the phone. It's actually a slot for a hidden aerial. This itself is funny enough, but the eternally-cool Ashens completely loses it at this discovery, and laughs so hard he has to jump cut over it. And then it gets so bad, he stops and says a prayer to Zeus thanking him for how absurd the knockoff phone is. It's especially funny when you consider the actual iPhone 4's notorious signal problem.
And if you want to know what a picture taken with this looks like, it looks like this:Cut to a black screen with text reading "I was going to put a photo here, but it turns out you can only save them to the internal memory and there are no options for transferring them..."
- Even better: Later, while filming in the dark to capture the screen better, it takes him completely unaware and pokes him in the eye. Yes, it's a bit schadenfreude-ish, but that just serves to highlight how ridiculous the TV antenna is.
- Not nearly as funny as the aerial, but his increasing irritation at the 'nature' noises the phone keeps making is worth a few chuckles.
- The camera's capabilities, or lack thereof
- I'm tempted; VERY tempted. In fact, I'm dual wielding."
- "By the power of Poundland! I can't hold my accessories!"
- On a cheapo wrestling figure that had long hair, a beard, and a championship belt: "I am the son of God and you cannot beat me at wrestling."
- In his 2011 Christmas Special he reviews a Santa figure that is made out of wooden beads. There are strings going through it (slack=collapsed Santa, tight=assembled Santa), which he plays with.Ashens: Santa's alive, Santa's dead. Santa's alive, Santa's dead. Tell you what... (pulls out a pair of scissors and beheads the figure, making the beads scatter)... now we know for sure he's dead. Take that, you festive bastard, playing with our emotions like that.
- From the Royal Wedding video, he says that in a picture of the Royal couple, they may be looking at a fox levitating and shooting lasers out of his asshole.
- In his headphones and hands-free device review, he looks over the back of a box of headphones branded 'The Carpenter' and reads over it, finding it to be gushy lifestyle stuff filled with horrible puns.Ashens: You know what? Fuck you, and fuck your headphones! That's the most sickening crap I've ever read!
- In his review of a few knock-off figures, he comes across MMA-style "Fight Club" figurines with loads of unintentional innuendo and a severe lack of quality control. One package is mislabeled, one figurine's arm is on backwards and the paint on the face of both figurines is completely wrong. Ashen's reaction is priceless.
- In his Valentine's Day 2012 review, Chef Excellence gets to direct his own sequence, and does it as a black and white silent film with his brooding descent into alcoholism as a real celebrity has taken over fronting the Stay Fresh Bags product line. After it cuts back to Ashens, he reflects: "Bloody hell. I knew I shouldn't have taken him to see The Artist."
- His reaction to the "Welcome Park" in his PS Vita review.Narrator: Oh! Somebody's at the door!Ashen: Oh, fuck off! I'm not six years old! (begins laughing) What the hell...? (mockingly) There's somebody at the door! It's your friend Bob! He's come to tell you about the PS Vita!
- Ashen reeling off a list of ridiculous names from Star Wars, ending with "Rick Santorum".
- His painting Easter eggs in "the traditional British style" - painting "PISS" and "ARSE" on them and holding those two together respectively.
Ashen: (switches them around) Now it's Christmas!
- Then right after:
- From his attempted review of the Barcode Battler:Ashen: (after having lost a battle) Well. That could have gone better. Perhaps having the instructions would—(gets interrupted by his cell phone) Oh, who's that?
- The angel tree topper that uses its halo to garrote the other toys. (From his 2010 Christmas Special)
- In his review of the PCP-8063 model of the PCP Station, he plays Space-Time Tercel for a while before suddenly shutting off the system and ejecting the cartridge, all while unconvincingly claiming he did it on accident.
- Ashen attends Gamescon and offers what seems like the average questions to people fielding questions for Ubisoft's titles. However, he occasionally tosses in a reference to the "God-monster of Indian Flats." No one bats an eye.
- From his review of the Peeing Pooch, the unchoreographed fall the dog has:Ashen: When it cocks its leg, it drops some water out—(dog falls over) then it falls off—(dog cocks its leg and urinates) and sprays piss all up the carpet.
- In his video about Green Lantern action figures, Ashen reads the description for Kilowog and comments that his name sounds like "the SI unit of racism".
- In the same video, his reaction to Galius Zed's utterly ridiculous character design.
- In "Cheapo Toy Soldiers and Fake GI Joe", Ashen's paranoid reaction at unwrapping an action figure that resembles himself.
- From his Pre-Winter Clearout Special, recounting his experience with novelty bath jelly with accompanying pictures.
- Afterwards, he tells viewers that they can see more photos at "xxx.ashens.com." Until March 2016, it actually existed. No, it did not actually lead to a site with nude photos.
- In Poundland Is The Best Thing About Christmas, Stuart and Chef Excellence give each other presents. Both of them get a form of Stay Fresh Bags, but while Chef Excellence gives Ashens his Stay Fresh Fruit and Veg Bags, Ashen jokingly gives Chef Excellence the Max Hoffman Stay Fresh Cheese Bags. Excellence proceeds to go apeshit crazy, scaring and forcing Ashen to call the Chef Control. A man barges in and holds Chef Excellence down, Ashens proceeds to fill a needle with Tesco Value Gin, and injects it into Chef Excellence, knocking him out.
- His complete and utter skewering of a letter from known con-artist Peter Popoff.He hasn't even got his name at the top [of his own address]. I mean, even I put "Ashens" before my P.O. Box, and I'm basically the most evil man that ever lived.
- In the middle of reading the letter, he is distracted by a sentence telling him to put up an included poster on the wall. "It's not a picture of you in a thong, is it? God!"
- He also riffs on the letter being underlined and written on, a la some kind of Conspiracy Theorist:
- "Look at the coincidences... 9/11 happened on the day of the 11th, and 11 is the number of my sister's house! SHE IS THE DEVIL!"
- "Lady Gaga is the Snake God, it's all so obvious..."
- The kicker is when Ashens opens the envelope marked "Do not open." It's a pencil eraser.
- In his WoPad Review he bashes the popularity of Angry Birds. He got quite a few cheers in the comment section.
- "Hello! I betrayed the Sicilian Mafia and look what happened to me!".
Don't judge me. Life's too fucking short.
- From the same vid, he solves a steel novelty puzzle... with bolt cutters.
- From his Fake Knock-off Action Figures video, "The Incredible Hulk...being a little bit less incredible than usual. The "Fairly-Believable Hulk". The "Slightly Mundane Hulk". The "Cheap Weird-Thing-Going-On-In-The-Chest-Cavity Hulk"...The "Bare Arse" Hulk..."
- From the same video, he has two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles knock-off figures with headbands that are clearly different colours. Within a fairly short space of time, he refers to them both as Donatello.
- His "endorsement" of Hunger Breaks Chicken Tikka:
- In one of his Extra Ashens reviews, Ashen is profoundly disappointed by a Spider-Man blind-bag toy that is so cheap it could easily be outdone by Happy Meal toys and cereal-box prizes thirty years ancient. He attempts to Kill It with Fire, as is his wont with blind bag items that displease him, but the plastic junk refuses to ignite, instead emitting novel green flames. The combination of resignation, disgust, and snark in his voice when he realizes this just seals the deal."Ugh. Even the fire doesn't want it."
"Oh, yes it does!"
- Made all the more fun by his obviously improved mood when the darn thing finally starts to burn, ever so slightly.
- Stuart and Guru Larry playing the Turbo board game, and deciding that ice is capable of rendering physics inert, and eventually interpreting the ice field as some kind of eldritch dimensional plane where the laws of reality no longer apply. This even extends to this short follow-up video Stuart made, explaining how the cars move.YOU HAVE SHOWN THESE HUMANS TOO MUCH.
- While reading the instructions to a toy figurine which is encased in a container full of goo:Ashen: In case of stains, immediately remove excess goo material then wash with warm water and white vinegar. Yes, I remember puberty too.
- His hilarious reaction to THE GOOSE for his Easter 2013 video, breaking his unflappable English demeanor out of pure startled bemusement, particularly at the bizarre choice of music it was playing.
- If you go to the official music video for the song ("I Like It" by Solid Base) that was put into THE GOOSE there are lots of commenters who were brought there by Ashens' video. They have a lot of fun quoting Ashen's review, confusing the people who have no idea who Ashens is or what's going on.
- In his "Stupidly Long Crap Food Special", he and Dan (Dan, mostly) are preparing some of Larry the Cable Guy's beer bread. At one point Stu realizes that he hasn't got a bread pan because his girlfriend had taken it. He then remembers that he hadn't checked the oven and Dan sees if it's in there, and when he says that it was, suddenly...Dan (Through laughter): No, I hadn't. (Sees what it is) There's a couple of computer chips in the oven! What is that?Stuart: It's a Double Dragon arcade board; I ran out of places to store these damned things, and I never used the oven, so I stuck it in there.
- Ashen also misreads the "Git-R-Done" slogan on Larry's hat as "Guitar Dome" and thinks it would be A Good Name for a Rock Band.
- The unintentional Running Gag of Ashen and Dan talking up how terrible all the food items are, only for each one to turn out to be So Okay, It's Average in an Anticlimax.
- Their bewildered reactions to Larry in general, as well as the American legal drinking age are pretty hilarious, too.Stuart: (perplexed) "Of course, you have to be 21 or older to drink it," what the fuck? Where does he live, Saudi Arabia?
- In the video on 25-Year-Old Microwave Cake Mix, Ashens calls Chef Excellence by phoning him up on a special superhero-style phone. Unfortunately, he phones him up really early in the morning.Ashen: Well, I think there's only one chef in the world drunk enough to take on the challenge of trying to cook a twenty-year-old microwave horror cake. [grabs a phone with "An Excellent Hotline" written on it haphazardly in biro pen][Batman (1966)-style transition][klaxon sounds]Chef Excellence: [bolting awake] What the f- [switching the light on] What the fuck?! It's 3AM! You fucking idiot! Oh, for fuck's sake, you fucking idiot, why are you doing this at 3AM in the fucking morning?! Oh, Stuart!
- How incredibly easily the action figure from a Spider-Man toy collection breaks apart, with hardly any pressure at all. It could very well be the cheapest, most fragile action figure Ashens has ever reviewed.
- Due to technical difficulties, Ashens decides to review his hotel room thanks to him not being able to get the actual video he wanted up. He talks about how he never used the provided kettle, and he reveals why at the end. It turns out, when he first went in, resting on the kettle, was some pubic hair.
- Randomly stabbing an inflatable toy of a 2012 Olympic mascot in the eye.Ashen: You go and stand over there Mandeville and I'm sure no harm will come of you... (stabs the toy and pulls it off of the knife) I may have lied about that last bit.
- In his Fake Avengers figures, he comes across a Thor figure that Looks Like Jesus and proceeds to theorize that Jesus must have stolen one of Joseph's carpentry hammers and used it to fight aliens. Then he acts out the dialogue between them. To call it surreal would be a bit of an understatement.Joseph: Jesus, look at this! I lend you my good hammer, and it's all scratched the way you've been hitting futuristic warrior aliens! I can't trust you with anything!
Jesus: Oh, shut up! You're not my real dad anyway!
Joseph: All right, well why don't you go live with your real father in his metaphysical sky-paradise, then, he won't even give his millions of followers the slightest hint he exists, so I can't see him giving you and your mates a lift to basketball practice every Thursday night, can you?
Jesus: I hate you! You don't understand me or my music! I'm going to my room!
Ashen: Man, I don't know where I was going with that. Now I've confused myself. (laughs)
Ashen: Time for the real sexy lady, Scarlett Johansen... who hasn't turned up, so this man has instead.
- Before that:
- Every time his handwriting is turned into something else in the Apple Newton MessagePad 100 review is hilarious, but arguably the best is when he inputs "Norwich" as a town name, and it's translated to "Worcester."Ashen: What is it gonna change that to? Worcester, for FUCK's sake! I mean, that's beyond fucking a joke now, isn't it? How the fucking hell do you get from Norwich to Worcester?!
Ashen: It certainly has struck when you're using this...
- (The obvious answer, of course, is by way of Birmingham and Peterborough.)
- His "punishment" for the Newton is to write down a bunch of town names that, like Worcester, has counter-intuitive pronunciation, namely Happisburgh, Postwick, Stiffkey, and Costessey. The Newton, of course, recognized none of them; they were respectively changed to Hanoi, "Boston Big", "H", and "East."
- Also, the Newton's rather ironic rendering of the email address "firstname.lastname@example.org" as "useless strikes".
- In "32 Year Old Chili and 38 Year Old Beer", Stuart reads the slogan for Prinz-Bräu beer.Stuart: It's the only one brewed with pure Alaska water, you FUCKING hear that? I know what you're doing, running up and down the road, speaking to your mates, going, "Ooh, there are three beers brewed with pure Alaska water!" You're full of shit! This is the only one! The only one! You FUCKING hear me? There'll be trouble! There will be trouble if you keep repeating it!
Stuart: That was the tagline for Prinz-Bräu beer. It was seen at the time to be quite explicitly confrontational, and was too large to fit on the posters, but they went with it anyway, and that could be why the Prinz-Bräu brewery went bust after three years.
- Stuart opens the beer and it foams up.
- In his review of the MB Games Microvision, he starts making stupid noises in frustration of playing Blockbuster. Stuart comments on the difficulty where Blockbuster makes Dark Souls look like Metal Gear Solid.
- His reaction to the Polly Pocket Cutant toys.
- The marvelous Bait-and-Switch stinger at the end of "World of Warcraft Mega Bloks." After Stuart goes on a rant about Mega Bloks's laziness in not making actual buildable figures for the World of Warcraft set, he laments that since this isn't a Blind Bag video, he can't burn the figurine. Cue a suspiciously early appearance of the end Title Card...Ashen: Ah, fuck it. For the Horde! (sets an assembled figurine on fire)
- Stuart's reaction to a T-1000 action figure that turns its buttocks into a missile launcher.
- Stuart's reaction to a troll doll with a bizarre face. He just can't contain himself.It looks like he just walked in on his mother having sex with Hitler or something.
- From the Halloween 2013 special:Halloween cracker label: Turn base in the direction of the arrow until contents eject.Stuart: Ooh, just like sex.Halloween cracker label: Do not aim towards the face.Stuart: Again, just like sex.Halloween cracker label: Dispose of container safetly after use.Stuart: I'm not going to make that joke three times, but it still works.
- From his Dryathlon-Cancer Research UK video, when listing the types of non-alcoholic drinks to order at a bar:Ashens: (pointing at his counter when each drink pops up with muzak playing in the background) Ginger Ale, Lime and Soda, Orange Juice and bitter lemon, black currant and lemonade, cola, orange juice, Virgin Mary, Lemon lime and bitters, Gunner's Quench, non-alcoholic lager. (Beat) (Knocks the lager off the counter, muzak stops) Okay, not the last one.
- The 2013 Winter Clearout special has his reaction to a Boys Toys Bratz knock off. That is, a doll with a freakish head and nearly tiny legs. Ashen then proceeds to romantically pair her with Galius Zed (a Green Lantern alien who likewise has a huge head and tiny legs).
- In his "Violin: Wonderful Sound Strange Shape" review, Ashen notes that he actually had to start over. Thankfully for the rest of us, he posted the reason why on his Extras channel, in which he busts a gut laughing at the "translations" of the names of famous violin manufacturers. He spends a whole minute (probably longer) laughing his arse off before deciding he cannot continue.
- Stuart's reaction when the toy violin suddenly starts playing the Angry Birds theme. Then he presses a button and changes the music to Ievan Polkka.
- The other reinterpretations of people's names - Nicola Amati becomes "nicolas, Marty", Antonio Stradivari becomes "Antonio Stella bottom tile", and Giuseppe Guarneri becomes "ji plug pu . melon nai". If it sounds like nonsense, that's cause the company translated the Chinese phonetic guides.
- Speaking of Antonio Stradivari, the Wikipedia article about him has been edited numerous times to replace his name with Antonio Stella Bottom Tile. Since these edits basically count as vandalism, they are always reverted, but they are still available in the edit history. Here's one of them.
- "the 6 act or talk like a fool key".
- When reviewing the old Matchbox Linkits toys, he decides his intro needs "A dash of 80's." He gets... way more than a dash.
- In a bit of meta-hilarity, he breaks open one of the old toys to get at an ancient promotional cassette tape packaged with it, and even produces an old tape deck so he can find out what, exactly, is recorded on it. He fast-forwards through the tape to find amusing bits. The meta-humor? Several of his younger viewers express their utter shock in the comments that that sped-up tape recorder sound is real.
- The end of this video, in which Ashen unleashes his destructive inner child.
- Also, his inner Benny.
- In his Ancient Tabletop Games video, he makes a point of noting that Bambino Boxing refers to a game he's reviewing, and not, in his own words, "some Italian babies beating the shit out of each other."
- During the opening to the Intergalactic Cage Match video, he describes the golden age of wrestling and references key characters such as Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant... and then immediately goes off point and lists Fisto from He-Man, and Simply Red's Mick Hucknall.
- All of the Playmobil Advent Calender videos, mainly because of how insane it all becomes, especially regarding the grass masks. And his reaction to the wicker basket.
- Ashens reviews a Gangnam Style robot that doesn't work properly. He then bitch-slaps it...
- The sample the robot plays is so bitcrushed that it sounds like it's groaning in pain.
- In his Loot Crate June 2014, he tries one of the Warheads candies in the box. (For those outside of the US: Warheads is a brand of extremely sour candies. And we do mean extremely sour.) Ashen's response? "Crikey! That'll draw yer arse up to your elbows."
- A video announcing a screening of Ashens and the Quest for the Game Child has two stingers, which is a touch odd, but for good reason. It's the second stinger that's good for a laugh, as the camcorder's facial recognition software, which has long been one of Ashens' banes, manages to recognize a face...where there really isn't one."I'd also like to point out that the facial recognition on this camcorder has picked up the egg bird thing, which is literally the only item here which doesn't have a fucking face."
- His and Dan's reaction to finding out that the canned "Trekking Burger" includes a bun in the can, which causes Stuart to jokingly say Screw This, I'm Outta Here!, since there's nothing else he can add to that. He subsequently implies it to be the absolute worst thing he's ever tasted on the show, aside from the various foodstuffs that are several years out of date.
- "I like vaggie."Stuart: A lot of us do, but we don't write it on fucking tins.
- Him and Dan trying the "Bean Boozled" Jelly Bellies. In particular, the black "skunk" flavored beans, since, being native Brits, they're not familiar with the... unique... smell of skunk. Dan has no idea how to even describe it, other than it's pure, unadulterated Nausea Fuel.
Stuart: Hmm... I got the peach one... I don't think Dan did...'
- When they try the peach/vomit ones, Dan starts gagging and coughing...
- Ashens attempts to play Minecraft with his friend Guru Larry, and manages to get murdered in bed by a zombie in the first five minutes of his very first time playing the game. It's hard not to laugh along with Guru Larry at both the absurdity of the situation and Ashens' incredibly confused reaction to it all, as he was under the impression that Minecraft was purely an exploring and building game with no hostile entities.
Sound of a Creeper going BANG.Ashen: Piss.Larry: Are you dead?Ashen: Yes.
- And notably, one encounter the two had with Creepers as they attempted to get home:
- His review of the Face Bank piggy bank. He's too frightened to actually say anything during the review; he just puts a coin in it and then smacks it off the sofa.
- Every second of his review of The World's Sharpest Knife.
Stuart: I'm worried that it's so sharp if I drop it pointing down it will just carve through to the Earth's core.
- ATTENTION: SHARP BLADE
- This comment:
Stuart: I can feel its power... I am now unstoppable! Nobody can get in my way! [...] I FEAR NO MAN NOW THAT I HAVE THIS IMPERVIOUS LADDER OF STEEL, THIS-THIS GOD OF BLADES, THIS MOTHERFUCKING EXCALIBUR! Come on, my beauty.. LET US DEMONSTRATE YOUR OMNIPOTENT POWER AND CLEAVE THIS HIDEOUS EARTH IN TWAIN!!
- His bizarre rant in the middle:
- Followed by a montage of him slicing things up with the knife, set to Ominous Latin Chanting.
- Several of the viewer comments are pretty good too."When Ashen is on his deathbed, someone needs to take this and throw it back into the lake."
"Sharpness: 999999. Durability: 50. Rarity: legendary. Defence: 80."
"But can it cut through a Nokia?"
- The story on the back of a pack of knockoff Batman cards is full of hilarious bad translations by itself, but it passes the threshold when Bruce Wayne becomes Spider-Man:When being a child, Bruce Wayne had witnessed with his own eyes the fact his parents of millionaire were killed cruelly, so affected his strong desire of revenging his parents. However, God had never given him a chance to fulfill his will. Following the advice of Ra\'s Al-Ghul, the chief of Ninja Group, Bruce come to Gete, which was a corrupted city filled with various crime groups. Bruce found a basement under his villa, in which the equipment turned him into another person: Spider-Man. With this mask, Spider-Man stroke all criminal activities and criminals everywhere, such as Tougon, the chief of Mafia, Doctor Jackstraw, the abnormal drug trafficker, even a mysterious opponents quite familiar with him—Batman Begins.
- STAR WART, featuring a card of "Admlral Ackbar" note .
- This gem from his review of the Game Child:Ashens as child: But mother, why did you buy me this, and not a Gameboy?Ashens as mother: Because we're poor and I hate you.
- This Poundland special has him talking near the end about all the nice things you can find at Poundland...and then he pulls out a copy of Foodfight!"Oh, for fuck's sake. It was going so well..."
- His reaction to the "new" Sad Onion on the package of Loom Bands.
- His review of the infamous Top Trumps: Space Phenomena. Particularly the utterly ridiculous "years of discovery" suggesting the Moon wasn't discovered until 1651, the Sun wasn't discovered until 200 BC, and Venus wasn't discovered until 1990."On the plus side, if you turn the cards over I've discovered you can form a big picture of Mars...which is going to be discovered next Thursday, so keep an eye out for that."
- Also, Halley's comet apparently has negative mass."It exists in another fucking dimension, does it?"
- Also, Halley's comet apparently has negative mass.
- Ashen's reaction to the 'I love you balloons' was that they looked like condoms in the 2015 Valentines Special.
- Also in the same video, when blowing up the heart shaped balloons, it suddenly popped making him yelp.
- The expression on the polar bear from the Deadly 60 blind bag, and Ashen's reaction to it.
- In "Pirate DVD Showcase", one of the bootleg DVDs Ashens reviews is a version of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones with several errors on the box, such as "Episode II" being misspelled as "Episo pe II". And when he gets to reading the severely mistranslated description on the back of the box, he decides to do an imitation of the classic Star Wars opening text crawl.
- After that, he looks at pirated versions of King Arthur and his own movie; both are actually pretty professional efforts for the most part, aside from the fact that the former advertises Keira Knightley as playing "Sir Lencelot," while the latter squishes the movie to a roughly 5:1 aspect ratio and has a made-up credit list that for some bizarre reason claims that Ashens and the director also did make-up effects.
- Finally, he checks out a Die Another Day bootleg that causes him to corpse uncontrollably at least three times due to the all-around Epic Fail involved. The disc misspells the film's name as "Die Another Da," while the film itself is such a poorly-framed camcorder copy that its title appears to read "Other Day." On top of that, the plot synopsis starts out by saying "The film's plot is currently unknown," before going into a plot summary that would be spoilerrific as hell if not for the fact that it confuses North Korea with Hawaii, seems to think that the Big Bad and The Dragon are actually the same character, and that said character uses a facial mutation device to "turn into Stephens", which Stuart takes to mean that the device can make you look like anyone whose name is "Stephen".
- They return, and the results are even better. There's a Star Wars: A New Hope bootleg that actually doesn't look too bad, until one looks closer and finds out that now only does it say The New Hope, but all of the images are from pretty much every other Star Wars film except the one they're trying to sell! Also one of the images is an old fan render for ships that don't appear in the films.
pack your bogs, and load up the cmping gear, it's time to answer STUART UTTLE 3: CALL OF THE WILD.
- Next after that is a copy of Batman Begins; an impressive copy for the most part, except for the blurb on the back...which has been taken from a review of the tie-in game instead of the movie itself. Then there's one for Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, which is mostly stock fonts and stretched images, and has renders of official merchandise on the cover.
- What sells the video, though, are the next three bootlegs, which are of such low quality it's almost kind of impressive; a Star Wars Episode II copy that is a very adhoc home print where the footage itself is a cam recording, The Prince with about 10 other films on it and smooth jazz in the menus. And then, Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild, which has a blurb so incomprehensible it sends Stuart and Alec into hysterics before long. Here is the first line of the blurb, to give you an idea how bad it is;
- In the end, the blurb just calls him Stucel Uttle. Finally, a copy of Catch Me If You Can ("A True Story of a Real Fake"), another decent rip except for the blurb, which is another review rip, though at least for the film itself. And then giving the name of the Director as "Fredrick Knott" and the utter nonsensicality that is "Dreamworks product a Steven Spielberg filmwriting".
- Third time's the charm. It starts off with a DVD for the movie G, which is a pretty impressive copy of the original DVD, but the description on the back has the nonsensical line "Complex triangular relationship break!".
- It gets better with the DVD for The Dark Knight:
- The quote "Bought it for son as he request" on the cover;
- Mostly using pre-release promo imagery as the artwork;
- The spine calling the film "Batman the Dark Knight";
- The description talking about Batman: The Animated Series rather than the film;
- And the credits and special features taken from Zodiac, containing spelling errors resulting from OCR software misreading certain letters (such as "Commentary By Diroctor David Finchor"), which make Stuart and Alec laugh. They lose it pretty badly on "This Is The Zodiac Spoaking".
- To top it all off, it's a terrible camcorder copy of the film.
- Then comes Jaws 2, which has the DVD artwork taken from the American release and contains a bunch of lies, like having a digital copy, when it in fact doesn't have one.
- After that, it's the pirated DVD for Cloverfield, which, like G, is an impressive copy of the original DVD, and the description on the back seems to be someone's review, and there's an inlay within the inlay.
- And last, but not least, the DVD for Taken. The cover is similar to the UMD movie releases, except saying "DVD Video" instead of "UMD Video". The back of the box claims to have "Japanes" subtitles, but they're actually hardcoded Korean subtitles. The disc is pure Epic Fail, as it's a blank DVD disc with a tiny, poor quality sticker of the DVD cover stuck on it.
- It gets better with the DVD for The Dark Knight:
- The FUCKING INFLATABLE FUCKING CROWN! and all references to it in his April Loot Crate review.
- The Poundland Special: Wine Ear Panda Audiobook has him, among other things, looking at a 'Wine Monkey' which is a sock with button eyes made to look like a monkey, which you can stuff a wine bottle into it. Ashens tries it out as an actual sock puppet, leading to this:Wine Monkey: Hey there, Stuart! Let's have some fun with Poundland - J-JESUS! YOUR FUCKING HAND'S IN MY BRAIN!!! *dies*Ashens: And that's why I'm not allowed on children's television anymore.
- And immediately afterward:Ashens: Anyway, enough weird animals, let's have a weird animal instead.
- And immediately afterward:
- From the Horrible Histories Mystery Bag video, Ashens ends up getting the Tudor executioner figure...which doesn't have the head attached for some reason."Oh, bollocks, I think it's the executioner. Looks like someone else got to him first. (laughs)
- The weird gasp of breath he makes when he finishes reading the Thunderbolt Airplane instructions in the Palm Game Electronic review.
- His "review" of a dancing Jar Jar Binks figure. He spends nearly all of it trying to destroy it with two hammers before finishing it off with a blowtorch.Ashens: WHY...WON'T YOU DIE?!?!
- Just when he thought the contents of a Loot Crate couldn't get any cheaper, the May crate offers him easily the cheapest lot in LC history, cool Power Rangers T-shirt notwithstanding: a Rick and Morty puzzle, an Avengers ice cube tray, Team Fortress 2 buttons, and worst of all, FUCKING! SHOELACES! He's completely exasperated and stunned, and it's hilarious.
- At the end of his Viewmaster Stereoscope review, he shows slides from a travelogue disc of a port town near where he lives. He makes up ridiculous stories about the rather boring locations depicted in the slides. Of particular note is "'Water Frolics' at Potter Heigham", the photo of which contains two women in the foreground wearing ugly black hats:"The 'Water Frolics' is actually referring to the Shit Hat Competition. This is of course a famous year where there was a horrible draw. Two women, you'll notice there, both have the same shit hat. And, uh, yeah, they both kind of were tied for first place and...cut a long story short, they murdered everybody in this picture.
- The Minions Mystery Bag episode had him examine a Minion toy, and he declared it good enough to go up on the Shelf of Interesting Items, with the usual zoom-in and triumphant music... PSYCH! The screen abruptly cuts to black and a Minion scream is heard. The screen cuts back in to reveal that the Minion was chopped in half with a lightsabre.
- From Infaceables Update: "Here's Suave Pierre, and here he is in animal mode!" (attempts to change the face, but only managing to succeed in making the face look scrunched up) "And there it is reinflating 'cause he doesn't form... a proper vaccum... for long."
- This Poundland special has him look at, among other things, the same set of super-cheap figures in not one, not two, but four different colors, while claiming to be four completely different types of vehicles (police, fire rescue, combat, and construction). On top of that, some of the vehicles (like the sports cars) don't really fit any of those categories. By the last one he can barely keep a straight face, especially when one of them has a sticker from the wrong set.
- The Ashensbox (his version of a Loot Crate with custom stuff based on his previous works) has Ashens introduced to several card magic tricks in person. His responses are "Burn the Witch!" the first time, and a sound amusingly close to that made by a distressed calf after the second experience.
Spades in similar design to his logo: Silver Skull, Chef Excellence, Ashens, and The Sad OnionHearts representing his movie: Chef Excellence, Ashley, Ashens, and The Game ChildClubs representing the Chef Excellence mysteries cartoon: Guru Larry, Chef Excellence, Ashens, and the Abstruseness AutomobileDiamonds for miscellaneous works: Knighthood and Decoy, The Troll with He-man body (AKA the Internet Troll), Ashens from Ideas Men, and... HUSSSSSSSS
- The introduction of the face cards (listed in order of Jack, Queen, King, and Ace)
- Unfortunately, Ashens isn't doing an Advent Calender this year, because "BOUGHT YOU AN ADVENT CALENDAR!"Ashens: Fuck everything.
- This fake Darth Maul figure has to be seen to be believed.
- The Interactive E.T. review, due to its consant annoying actions and Ashen constantly referring to it as an Eldritch Abomination. The best part? Ashen mentions that the fan who sent him the E.T also provided the original packaging, then shows us the puzzle cube from Hellraiser.
- The LOVELY BABY is so terrifying it's hilarious.
- Ashen demonstrates the notebook included in 2016's love crackers by scrawling "PISSY TITS" on its pages.
- Loot Crate sent Stuart a special package, which they requested he open on-camera. He correctly predicted that it would contain an entire shipment of FUCKING INFLATABLE FUCKING CROWNS.
- And, to top it off, the package also contained a piece of paper with a trollface printed on it.
- A knock-off Minecraft figure he reviewed had a bad case of Engrish on the packaging, including "Be careful of the potential entang ement[sic] hazard with neck, hair of fingers if there are string ,wire, wheels or rolling parts in the product."Ashens: Hair of fingers? Is this aimed at bloody hobbits or something?
- After getting a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (the DX version) in the 90s box in his July 2016 Toy Box/Geek Gear video, he notes that he's had good luck with the retro games he's been getting, then sarcastically suggests E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600 for the next month. Guess what game he gets in the 80s box?
- After featuring Big Clive in the Poundland Technology Video, some people thought that it was his face, rather than Mentski's, that's been featured in Ashens' videos all this time due to the way he segues in and out of Clive's segment (a Batman-style headshot zooming into the camera, first with Clive's face, then with Mentski's face when cutting back to Ashens). Other than being large bald men, they look nothing alike.
- In the "Sonic Man - Fake Robocop figure", due to Youtube's advertiser-friendly video guidelines, Stuart says that his channel will be a swearing-free zone, only to say "Let's have a look at today's motherfucking piss-faced lump of wanky twat-shit" afterwards.
- When he encounters a stupendously creepy hedgehog solar light, he's more annoyed by its poor functionality rather than its headlight-eyes. When he figures out how the solar function works, we get this.Ashens: Ah, now it's a top-quality product and I want fifty of them in my hou- I'm telling lies again...
- His incredulous reaction to the silly-sounding names of the eponymous characters listed in "Yowie Mystery Chocolate Monster Things", to which he thinks—Ashens: Oh, here's all the gang! Boof, Crag, Squish, Rumble, Ditty, and Nap... they sound like, sort of evil counterparts to the Seven Dwarfs, who could possibly come and attack them in a sequel, or something. There we are Disney, get in touch!
DISCLAIMER: "Boof, crag, squish, rumble, ditty and nap" is NOT a set of instructions for a sexual encounter.
- Even better is the video description—
- In "Some Lovely Farm Animals" (2016) he uses a quote ("Hello, Children. Hello!") and a tone of voice from the "Magic Meadow" animations that he made back in 2004 (here and here, these are the YouTube versions uploaded years after they were created for Newgrounds). It's impressive that he'd attempt a Call-Back going so far back.
- Christmas 2016 provides him with, among other things, a cheap jumbo coloring book with surprisingly surrealistic and crappy illustrations. His descriptions/first impressions only make the baffling thing funnier.
- The Aunt May figure, the worst piece of official merchandise he's ever found. He made a follow-up video shortly afterward counting down the top 10 celebrities she resembles... all of them are men.
- "Who Stole My Sofa?", an elaborate YouTube-based Choose Your Own Adventure-type story with multiple guest appearances by other Youtube personalities is rife to the brim with funny moments:
Stuart: (flatly) I want to review the camera. *reaches out for it*
- One of the first options is to not go on an adventure to find the sofa, and instead getting a new one from Dr. Pepper (who also sponsored the video). What Stuart has to do under his new contract is hilariously pitiful.
- Dan's bizarre subplot throughout the entire video, in that not only is he constantly and involuntarily slipping into his role as Chef Excellence from Ashens and the Quest for the Game Child, but Stuart can call back to check on him, only to realize he's been trying to take a bath in Dr. Pepper, somehow going horribly, horribly wrong.
- The entire bit with the ham-tastic Space Gatekeeper named Mavis, played by Kick The PJ. In particular, the second question he asks, "What is infinity?", goes on a weird tangent.Space Gatekeeper: Seriously, I lent you my ruler FIVE. TIMES, Latisha! What were you measuring!? MY PAIN!?
- Also, the bit when Stuart finally gets what he needs and is about to leave, before Mavis' mother shows up to offer them some refreshments.
- When Stuart ends up in a rap battle against Dan Bull, he has three options, all of which are hilarious:
- "Compete in Rap Battle" has him do just that... through a random barbershop quartet proving his backup. Even Dan and his posse are confused.
- "Compete in Wrap Battle" is exactly that. Stuart delicately prepares a tortilla wrap using ingredients appearing out of nowhere. Dan is once again reasonably confused.
- "Ignore the Word 'Rap'" simply has Stuart knock Dan upside his head with a giant hammer to tell him where his sofa is.
- Any of the choices with Danisnotonfire and Amazing Phil, all based on the fact that Stuart is so compulsive in trying to review things, even without his sofa.
Phil: But we're not in front of a sofa now, are we? *forcing to restrain Stuart's arms*
Dan: Calm down, this is a nice environment, it's the first time for him!
- In his Fireman Sam Blind Bag opening video, he literally gets the chance to burn an action figure of a fireman. He even name-drops said trope:Stuart: And so, irony of ironies, let's burn the fireman!
- In the same video, he manages to misread Dilys' name as "Oilys".
- During his trip to Hong Kong, Ashens bought a Steve Jobs tribute t-shirt. This appears to be a fairly serious video until it's revealed the text on the t-shirt is a Translation Train Wreck.Stuart: (in a serious tone) For Stevev Jobs - just long. Evcryone has i cercion cdeal. His idcal detceraninst, his ottort, and judgment of direccion.
- His talk about Hareraiser, which he considers the worst game ever made, includes a moment where he asks the audience for who they think the celebrity in on Masquerade was. Someone says "Jimmy Savile" and Stuart responds with a genuinely relieved "Thank goodness, no!"
- Stuart: Although, at the time, that's entirely feasible, but they wanted somebody who was known for their intelligence — not Jimmy Savile — and somebody who also I suppose could be trusted so they could say later "Look, we had a trustworthy person." And as it turns out, that's very much not Jimmy Savile.
- Later on, Stuart gets into the controversy surrounding "Ken Thomas," the winner of Masquerade and creator of Hareraiser:Stuart: It transpires that he has something in common with Sherlock Holmes! And it's not that they're both great detectives, it's that they're both fictional.
- NerdCubed Mystery Box. It's a "lootbox" type that Nerd³ cobbled together for Ashens, specifially being LOL Surprise mystery items (half of which has Ashen incredulous at the sheer expense of it all) and some utterly senseless wacky chocolate bars (like Chip Shop Curry and Chips in Chocolate...as in, literally french frieds and curry sauce in chocolate).Stuart: (unwrapping a snack) Oh man. Oh. This is... This is unholy. WHAT HAST THOU WROUGHT?! ... This seems very wrong on many levels.
- Funnily enough, Stuart reviewed that exact same brand of curry chocolate bar previously, and didn't think it was too bad.
- His second look at a CD/DVD Mystery Box goes relatively mild, and at one point, he's about to start wishing that he'd find more DVDs in the box. Cue a DVD for the first Fred movie! It catches him off guard so much, he can't even properly read the CD before it.
- Stuart takes a look at a 116-year old chocolate commemorating the coronation of King Edward VII. He declares that depending on how the candy looks, he'll either nibble on it, lick it, or avoid eating it altogether. Three guesses how it turns out.Stuart: And here we g—FUCK!!!!
- In the 2018 Valentine's Special, Stuart examines a game spinner from Poundland which has "sexy" commands. He gives it a try, lands on "Tell me your fantasy", and promptly begins describing the plot of Final Fantasy VII in a sultry voice.
Stuart: I still don't feel any different from these pills, so I'm gonna check back in in 20 minutes and tell you how I feel.
- Stuart takes a couple of Viagra knockoff pills, the instructions of which say to take 40 minutes before playtime. At the end of the video, he takes some time to report on their effectiveness:
20 MINUTES LATER
Stuart: I don't feel any different.
20 MORE MINUTES LATER
Stuart: I still don't feel any different.
10 MORE MINUTES LATER
Stuart: My dick fell off.
- When Ashens creates a jingle for the "Delicious Mallows" while he gets it out of its package, lampshading on how gross they and its packaging were:Ashens: (singing to camera) Delicious Mallows! Delicious Mallows! It's fetid and it's sweaty and it makes you want to puke; Delicious Mallows!
- Even before this, he called the green mallow "a breast that dropped off a zombie."
- When Ashens gets a "Microwavable Pizza Snack" in margherita flavor, he reads out the package name, finishing with "wouldn't want to eat ya." After that, he looks at the back of the package in which one of the instructions is literally "heat 60 seconds", making him comment that he doesn't have a microwave that directly heats up time itself.
Ashens: A flying pizza; that's the best kind!
- It gets better when he reveals the next pizza snack in pepperoni flavor, which looks like somebody who "swallowed the contents of an ashtray and then puked them up onto a large biscuit", quoting the doctor himself.
- And just to top it off, when the package is opened, the pizza snack shoots itself away from Ashens and flings itself to the other side of the room.
- In one of the poundland specials:So, what we're looking at here is a dead juggalo being fucked by a silver monkey.Which is, uh, a popular addition to any Canadian circus.
- Stuart tells us about the WoPad's features... by breaking out in song:
- There are two moments in his first Olympic Tat video that could qualify as this.
"I don't know what I would have if I hadn't bought this, probably just cry myself to sleep every - now what the hell?! He's done a big shit in his pants! You disgust me, Wenlock! Not only are you some sort of evil demonic entity but you're incontinent and you're-yaauggh!"
- First, he calls the aquatic sport Wenlock "Mr. Hankey the Olympic Poo", due to it resembling "a metal turd with arms" as he says.
- The next moment is when he notices that his "tail" looks like that he just took a dump in his uniform. Even his reaction to this is hilarious.
- In his look at Look-In Magazine (a British TV/pop culture magazine from the 80s and 90s), he immediately notices a celebrity profile of 'Nino' that lists, among other things, his 'favorite TV Show' and 'childhood Hero'...which are The Cosby Show and Gary Glitter, respectively. Needless to say, Stuart and Paul get a good laugh out of how poorly the profile aged.
- In the 2018 Advent Calendar videos, all of the calendars are German. One, containing food items, is inexplicably named the "pensioner's breakfast". When one day's item (some wafers) have gone off and taste awful:"What did the pensioners in Germany do that upset the young people so much!?""...oh."