Villain Critique Thread (Because Its About Damn Time!)

Roight, I've finally finished my villain draft - may be subject to change in the future.

If you want to see what I had to say about Red Tail, it's on the last page, at the bottom.

Anyway, a note to make about this villain's setting; it's a post-apocalyptic Schizo Tech setting, in which Uplifted Animals have formed their own nations, in imitation of the now-extinct human race. The Schizo Tech aspect means that some communities have guns and robots, and others have barely advanced to stone-on-a-stick levels. Oh yes, it's also an RPG setting, hence the references to gameplay and party members. With that out of the way...

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Name: The Dog Of War, AKA The Salesman, The Two-Fingered Gunrunner

Age: Late middle-age, probably between 55 and 60.

Appearance: The 'Dog Of War', like almost everyone else in his setting, is not human but rather an evolved animal. His species is difficult to pin down, bearing a resemblance to the Set Animal of Egyptian Mythology, as opposed to a dog as his name would suggest. He has dusty brownish fur, long ears that perk up and have square ends, a long and thin snout and a forked tail. He's visibly aged, with heavy wrinkles under his eyes, a few gray furs on his head, and what appears to be a bushy sideburns + goatee combo. While in relatively good shape for someone his age and being taller than average - at least 6'5'' - he's rather skinny and frail-looking.

His dress sense could be best described as 'loud'. He usually dresses in a dirtied bright yellow suit with a white shirt and a zebra-stripe tie, paired with black Triangle Shades that cover his eyes, rolled-up sleeves and a fingerless yellow biker glove on his right hand - his left hand missing its middle finger, which is one reason why he's sometimes called 'the two-fingered gunrunner'. He's usually seen chain-smoking.

Personality: At his core, the Dog of War is a broken man, defined by his cynicism. He believes that it is in the nature of all living beings to destroy themselves through acting on base desires, and any attempt to change this is doomed from the start. Therefore, he's decided that if that everyone's going to be fighting each other until the apocalypse happens all over again, he should be the one who reaps the benefits - because if it's not going to be him, it'll just be someone else, so it may as well be him.

You probably wouldn't know this just from talking to him, though. He's surprisingly personable, perhaps even chipper, and prides himself on his manners and his sense of humour. When dealing with clients, he always tells them what they want to hear, possessing a certain analytical sense of character that enables him to deduce what people really want, and how best to use this to his advantage.

His cynicism shines through primarily through a vicious sarcastic streak - automatically assuming the worst of everyone he meets, he tends to denigrate and belittle causes and motivations of all stripes, believing them to be simple cover-ups or distractions, no matter how much they may protest to the contrary. He characterises himself as a man who has reached a Cynic's Nirvana, having gone past despairing at the world and now simply laughs as he fuels the demise of thousands and picks their fortunes from their dying hands.

Abilities: Besides his aforementioned judge-of-character skills, as he calls them, he's also a 'certified Gun Nut'. He loves all kinds of weapons, at times having an oddly-emotional connection to them, seeing them as kindred spirits. He favours handguns, especially revolvers, and is noted for his remarkably quick hand and precise aim - but none of this is to suggest he won't use other weapons. He enjoys diversification, in fact. He's also a shrewd businessman, playing to his clients' weaknesses to sell and using the information he gets from a vast array of sources to pick new clients and play them against each other.

Weaknesses: His cynicism is so great that on the rare occasion he encounters one who defies his expectations and consistently acts against what should be their best interests, his plans are completely derailed as he has a hard time imagining why someone with an IQ higher than 5 would act like that. Furthermore, while he's well-learned with his weapons, he's still a physically-average middle-aged man and probably wouldn't last ten seconds in a direct confrontation against a trained combatant.

Goals: To start and facilitate a Forever War by pitting the nations of Colrick, Flen, Melanko, Sanju and Luka against each other and selling weapons to all sides, providing him with an endless source of income with which he'll be able to live the rest of his life in comfort.

Motivation: He's just 'an ordinary salesman looking to make a profit'.

Role in the story: Big Bad

Backstory: Before he was known as The Dog Of War, he once dealt primarily in food and water to medieval or even stone-age communities in the desert wastelands of Nomanski, far from civilisation. He regularly did business with one particular hunter-gatherer tribe who were in an especially nasty spot, the Merta, but were also in a convenient location for his supply lines. Predictably, a rival tribe further away, the Pherit - who had previously made truce with them - quickly took notice of their newfound supplies and began to attack them, breaking their truce. Feeling guilt over having unwittingly re-started the conflict between them, 'The Salesman', as he was known, personally intervened as a third-party in an attempt to broker a peace between them. The plan seemed to work, as the Salesman agreed to do business with both tribes.

However, by then other salesmen followed The Salesman's example and began to supply the Merta due to its closer proximity, and on top of that, the leader of the Merta had already started getting ideas of using their newfound supply advantage to subdue and conquer the Pherit. Sure enough, they did exactly that, slaughtering the Pherit and taking their land for themselves. Once The Salesman learned of this, he attempted to cut all ties with them, but the Merta leader would have none of it, for he saw him as a trustworthy friend and insisted that he would be the only outsider allowed to trade with their 'glorious new empire', to the point that he murdered all the competing salesmen and gifted their assets to him. Fearing for his life if he refused, he reluctantly agreed and continued to support them with regular shipments of food and water. They paid him in minerals that were abundant in the area, and this made him rich, but he still wanted no part of their warpath.

Eventually, the Merta's 'tribal empire' expanded even further and they chose to discuss potential new arrangements to rope 'selected partners' into their supply line and possibly get their hands on some modern firearms. Knowing that, if he did so, they would immediately go to war with their largest neighbour, the Mank, and get thousands of people killed, he approached the Mank with the intention of brokering peace once more. It didn't go according to plan. The Mank, knowing he was almost single-handedly responsible for their enemy's success, captured him, cut one of his fingers off, and told him to return to his clients and tell them he would no longer do business with them. As he trudged back through the wastelands, nursing his lost digit, he came upon a wounded woman and offered to help her. However, it turned out to be a trap set by a gang of bandits, who captured him with the intent to ransom him back to the Merta.

It was while he was in their captivity that he realised that his idealism and desire to help people had done more harm than good, in a way that he couldn't possibly have predicted or benefitted from. He was stuck there for weeks, during which time he had lengthy conversations on the topic with a fellow prisoner, an exile from one of the tribes he had unwittingly helped destroy. He befriended this prisoner, and in the course of those long weeks, The Salesman came to believe that, no matter what he did, people would always want conflict - and if he was smart, he'd need to be the controller, not the victim. He and the prisoner escaped soon afterwards, and The Salesman proceeded to supply both of the tribes with guns, operating primarily through proxies. They quickly annihilated each other in the ensuing war, during which time The Salesman got insanely rich.

With the prisoner he befriended as his bodyguard and partner-in-crime - now calling himself 'Rod' - he became The Dog Of War, the merchant of death. Using his existing wealth and connections, he established a partnership with the Gunsmiths of the Ovinian Republic, fuelling minor conflicts between low-tech groups all over the place. But he still wasn't satisfied; turning his attention to the unrest brewing in the nation of Colrick in the Temper Isles, just off the coast of the Ovinian Republic, he decided he'd have better success if he 'jumpstarted' the conflict himself.

Relevant Tropes:

• A Day in the Limelight: He's the only non-party member to get his own flashback chapter, late in the game, where we learn of his Start of Darkness.
• Adorkable: Surprisingly enough, he can fall into this when he gets a bit too carried away talking about guns - especially when he imitates gun noises.
• Affably Evil: While he's adept at only telling his clients what they want to hear, even when he's not putting on an act he tries his best to be polite and courteous - and if he's not putting on an act in the first place, that's usually a sign he respects the other half of the conversation enough to not treat them like an idiot.
• Another Side, Another Story: His flashback chapter actually takes place at the same time as that of a party member, Dr. Polwarth, and they interact with each other on several occasions.
• Arms Dealer: Of the International Arms Merchant variety, with a post-apocalyptic flavour.
• The Barnum: Played With, to an extent. He doesn't lie about the effectiveness of his products; they're usually as deadly as he tells them. But he does rely on their greed, gullibility and/or desperation to get them to keep coming back to him even when it's obvious he's playing both sides.
• Bright Is Not Good: A motif he shares with most of the game's antagonists, who are typically identified with bright and vivid colours (e.g. his bright yellow suit), in stark contrast to the party, who prefer darker, more muted colours (e.g. Dr. Polwarth's dull reddish-brown overcoat).
• Card-Carrying Villain: Sometimes jokingly characterises himself as this, in a Self-Deprecating sort of way.
• Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: His bread-and-butter; he routinely betrays his clients behind their backs just so he can prolong the war for as long as possible. It's this that kick-starts the plot, as he tries to kill off the Player Character, a mercenary he hired, for orchestrating a coup so no-one knows it was him who did it. Though to be fair, the PC realised their importance and tried to blackmail him into giving them a payrise - if it weren't for that, he may not have betrayed them at all.
• The Cynic: Very much so.
• Deadpan Snarker: Especially when it comes to tearing down whatever half-baked excuse the people have for fighting each other, as he sees them.
• Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: As mentioned in Weaknesses, he tends not to function well around people who consistently act against their own self-interests with no apparent reward in store for them doing so.
• Fashion-Victim Villain: His bright yellow suit, zebra-patterned tie and triangle shades put him squarely in this category. He seems to deliberately cultivate this image, believing his goofy appearance makes his enemies underestimate him.
• Foil: With the aforementioned Dr. Polwarth. They're both in late middle-age, were both involved with the tribes of Nomanski and both saw what happened and decided that people are naturally selfish and conflict-hungry. However, while they came to the same conclusion, it lead them to different goals - while the Dog Of War decided that he needed to be a Controller, not a Victim, Polwarth became a Knight in Sour Armor, deciding the weak and defenceless will always need protection. While the D.o.W. decided to fuel conflicts so he could reap the benefits himself, Polwarth became a travelling one-woman clinic, helping the sick and the wounded. Furthermore, the D.o.W. is a Non-Action Big Bad who spends most of his time in the shadows, manipulating events behind the scenes and relies on his Dragon for anything physical, while Polwarth goes out onto the front lines herself and is a formidable fighter in her own right.
  • He's also a foil to 'Mr. Weapons', the game's other Arms Dealer and the one the player gets most of their stuff from. Mr. Weapons sells used weapons, scavenged from battlefields and repaired, and prefers to sell to independent buyers for self-defence purposes, while the D.o.W. sells brand new weapons in vast numbers and doesn't care who he sells to as long as they have the money. Plus, Mr. Weapons disguises his appearance so no-one will recognise him and kill him for what he does, while the D.o.W. wears a distinct outfit and is completely shameless about his line of work.
• From Nobody to Nightmare: Once a humble traveling salesman with a humanitarian cause, the incidents at Nomanski turned him into one of the most dangerous men in all the land, boasting the connections and the resources to bring entire civilisations to their knees - and it only took a few months, the blink of an eye compared to the 30+ years of his life beforehand. He likely would have remained little more than a statistical footnote had it not been for those incidents.
• Good Smoking, Evil Smoking: Is almost always seen chain-smoking cheap cigarettes, which combined with his fashion sense paint a picture of tackiness and excess.
• Gun Nut: Ranged Weaponry Enthusiast, he'd rather you say. He likes his missiles, too.
• Man Behind the Man: Subverted, in an example of Dramatic Irony. The PC, and by extension, the player, know right from the start that he's pretty much the cause of everything bad that's happening in the Temper Isles, but the vast majority of the isles' population is completely in the dark.
• No Campaign for the Wicked: Averted, as you get to play as him during his flashback chapter.
• No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: His rationale behind his Start of Darkness. Try to help the Merta survive their harsh conditions? Whoops, the Pherit decide he's favouring them and restart an old war. Try to broker peace with the Pherit? Whoops, the Merta disregard the peace and defeat the Pherit while their guard is down. Try to broker peace with the Mank? Whoops, they instead cut his finger off and send him back as a warning. Try to help an injured woman in the wilderness? Whoops, it was a trap set by bandits.
• Non-Action Big Bad: Downplayed; his skill with a gun means he can hold his own against a single untrained attacker, but he's out of his element against a trained combatant. The vast majority of his villainy is conducted behind the scenes, focusing more on manipulating the various political leaders of the Temper Isles rather than directly getting involved in things - he leaves that to Rod.
• No Name Given: He's the only major character who's never given a true name. Most people only know him as 'The Dog Of War' or 'The Two-Fingered Gunrunner'. And even before then, he was only ever called 'The Salesman'.
• Parts Unknown: Unlike pretty much every other major character, his nation of origin is never specified, and he seems to be the only one of his species in the whole game. He makes reference to a desert country bordering the wastelands of Nomanski on the mainland, but that's about it.
• Petting-Zoo People: Borderline example, like almost every other character that isn't a robot.
• Private Military Contractors: He himself is not one, but he admits to having a love-hate relationship with them. He respects them as 'honest tradesmen' who profiteer off war and harbour no illusions about it, but he also believes this makes them dangerous to him.
• Red Right Hand: His missing middle finger - the Mank specifically picked it because it was often used as a 'weapon of gesture'.
• Revolvers Are Just Better: Holds this opinion, purely because he thinks the way they reload is 'cool'.
• Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: Defied. He's of the opinion that money is not the only base desire people operate on - sometimes they instead pretend to be following some higher calling to stroke their own egos and curry favour with their fellows, and would likely take being bribed as a personal affront. The best way to bribe them, he says, is with flattery.
• Triangle Shades: Of the Sinister variety.
• War for Fun and Profit: His modus operandi.
• Villainous Friendship: With his Dragon and bodyguard, Rod.

edited 28th Oct '17 7:29:38 AM by PresidentStalkeyes

"If you think like a child, you will do a child's work."

If you don't mind, I think I'll repeat what I said about this on Discord, just so people will know that we talked about your post. :P

Anyway, I really like the concept for this character. Although he has a lot of sympathetic qualities, he is still despicable enough to be a clear villain, and he sounds like he could be a very intimidating threat.

Incidentally, how much of your story do you need to have planned out before you post here? I have a few villains I want to share on here, but I don't have much of their stories planned out. Do I just need enough to fill out the categories listed at the beginning?

No "Bowser's Fury" questions please. I haven't played it yet.

I don't think you necessarily need the story to be meticulously planned out, so you should be fine.

I would like to hear other perspectives on the D.o.W. too as well, though, since you already gave yours. I was hoping for something more critical. :P

edited 30th Oct '17 4:22:06 AM by PresidentStalkeyes

"If you think like a child, you will do a child's work."

Yeah, perhaps I'm a little too optimistic. :P

Anyway, I'm still thinking about things, so it may be a while before I do my post here. Hopefully that'll be enough time for more people to write their opinions.

No "Bowser's Fury" questions please. I haven't played it yet.

Sounds good to me. I appreciate the compliments anyway, though.

edited 28th Oct '17 6:55:36 PM by PresidentStalkeyes

"If you think like a child, you will do a child's work."

@President Stalkeyes

Thanks for such detailed feedback, I really appreciate it. I am sorry a few things weren't clear though, so I'm going to clarify a few things.

First, a short summary of what The Liberated is about. Your assessment about them following the Anarchy Is Chaos philosophy is fairly accurate, as they're sort of meant to be my take on the outlaws with bounties on their heads who live by their own rules that you see all the time in the Wild West genre. They don't like how the advancement of industry is slowly making people more and more like cogs in a machine, and they highly value their individualistic freedom. More than that though, they believe government and industry never belonged in the country. See, the country was initially settled in by a close-knit community of refugees who crossed deadly seas to escape from a war-torn continent, and then threw off the names of the countries they came from in order to live peacefully. It was only decades later when the wars on the old continent died down that people started paying attention to the untapped gold mine that was the new continent. The Liberated sees the "invasion" of elites and officials dictating what all citizens will work towards as antithetical to the spirit of the first settlers, and so they want to forcibly return the continent to its "original" state so it can be a "safe" haven from what ravaged the old continent long ago (not necessarily peaceful, but any conflicts will be their own individual conflicts, and not a government's). Of course, there is a fair number of Liberated members who don't care too much about that and just want to have fun sticking it to the system.

Next, your Alternate Character Interpretation is closer to the mark I'm going for with Red Tail's character. I feel that trying to make her a sympathetic figure would be a pointless effort, even though it is true that she wouldn't have become a criminal of any kind if it weren't for the messy combination of factors that drove her mad. She simply does too many horrible things to the heroes and those close to them. Anyways, Red Tail doesn't have an interest in most of The Liberated's propaganda. The only major thing she and the majority of other Liberated members have in common is a grudge against "secure" society. After snapping and leaving behind her old life, what she learned about The Liberated from her conversation with the cofounder was enough for her to see the group as the means for settling her grudge and finding a challenging goal to progress towards.

All that said, it is very intentional that she is hard to get a read on within the story itself. Her backstory in particular doesn't even come into play until the late game, and her entire dynamic with the heroes revolves around her deceiving them. Even if my initial post was messy, I guess I can be happy that it managed to somewhat simulate the intended reader reaction to her character in the story. :]

@Dog of War: He is a very interesting sort - he jumpstarts conflicts so he can sell his weapons to the people undergoing war, and for him, the whole thing is nothing but a business, one he takes pleasure in partaking in. He kind of represents to me the kind of profiteering that can occur in war, and the greed that leads to that. Interesting indeed he is not really given much of a name, letting him function as the stand in for many, many PMC's and arms dealers who would fulfill a similar role.

Here's hoping he faces some sort of justice for his actions.

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Here's a character who has been kicking around in my head for a while now.

• Name: Nerkhun, the King of Corpses

• Age: Dates to 23 / 24th Century BC.

• Personality: Nerkhun is perhaps best defined by his singular fear; dying. Nerkhun fears that death will bring him to judgment for his actions (he doesn't know from WHO, given he is pledged to a deity already), and fundamentally is dominated by the total and irrational fear of death to such a degree he takes action to eliminate anything that might pose a threat to his continued existence. Coupled with this is an unconscionable concept he has that other things exist purely to elongate his unnatural existence, and anything else is a lie and a misconception. He takes a perverse kind of pride in his parasitic existence, bragging he would drain the life from every living thing in existence if it meant he could live in comfort. And this is one of many things on his to do list. Nerkhun views it as his right to do so, simply because he came before all this "the world has degenerated. It is mine to consume." Nerkhun goes from Smug Super to Dirty Coward if something shows the ability to hurt / kill him, and he tries endlessly to prepare for that should he escape successfully to the exclusion of all else. Nerkhun is needless to say a cruel and sadistic being, with him needing a body that has a Compelling Voice to maintain an army - even the other Dark God worshipers and demi-gods were never shy about the fact they loathed him. But, alas for them, he is good at one / two things above others - leading a large army and crushing foes ruthlessly.

• Appearance: Lets just say thanks to the deal he got, the state of his soul matches his body. He is nauseatingly disgusting. Nerkhun resembles a withered, disemboweled human child, each of its limbs possessing eight smaller limbs and a spider head branching off at some point. His form is wretched and rotten looking, countless smaller spiders controlled in a mind hive by his body crawling around inside him. His face has eight eyes clustered at the front and on the forehead, no nose, and vicious looking fangs. His back has eight further, very dextrous and bendable limbs.

• Abilities: Nerkhun's title comes from his chief ability - Hideous Possession. Instead of doing as many creatures do and simply possess a body by entering the mind, Nerkhun prefers to eliminate the very possibility of exorcism by ripping his way into the foe and then making his home inside, using his spider limbs like puppet strings to control the limbs. Even if he leaves a body, he can still control that body and teleport between bodies he has claimed, thus giving him the ability to cheat death even more. He can also instantly make use of any ability possessed by one of his bodies, even after leaving it.

• Weaknesses: Without a body, he's fragile with the right equipment - his arsenal of wards, stacking of Nigh-Invulnerable traits, and gifts from his Patron don't exactly matter with the right Magitech weapon employed. His Achilles Heel is his fear of death, just as much as it drives him - it also leads to him making all too predictable mistakes. Interestingly, he cannot use so many of his hoarded abilities while wearing someone.

• Goals: Achieve true and perfect immortality.

• Motivation: His fear of death comes from the sheer Curb-Stomp Battle he suffered at Sargon's hands, and his hatred of the humiliation he suffered as a result.

• Role in the Story: Big Bad of the King of Corpses Sagas.

• Backstory: Originally a petty and cruel warlord, known as much for his physical beauty as he was for his cruelty, he was an enthusiastic worshiper of the Dark Gods. He however bit off more than he could chew by torturing and sacrificing several of Sargon's soldiers, and believing the sacrifice would give him sufficient favors to guarantee his victory. However, the Dark Gods' attention was elsewhere, their Eternal War intensified at exactly the wrong time - and Nerkhun was captured, tormented himself, and due to be executed for his horrid crimes. Azekred however appeared before him, offering a Deal which simply said "you will never truly die outside extraordinary circumstances". He signed, despite the fact he should've known better than trusting the Dark God of Wishes, Deals, and Power. As a result, he basically melted and became Nerkun the King of Corpses. He promptly escaped by burrowing into the body of a guard who went in to check on why the prisoner started screaming nonstop. Ever since then, Nerkhun became paranoid about the "extraordinary circumstances" bit - and has done everything he can to make himself invulnerable.

• Tropes:
• Arch-Enemy: He reserves a special hatred for Sargon, for "instigating everything" and "robbing me of my human form". Despite the fact the person responsible could only be said to be Nerkhun himself. Do not get in the way if he thinks he can get something out of a potential rematch, and definitely do not Kill Steal him.
• Bad Boss: Not like his mooks can complain, but his fellow Dark God Generals can - Dhakar is more than willing to admit he "hates that guy", and Reiji calls him the "celestial equivalent of a really, really, really mean old man".
• Body Horror: Start with his appearance, and move on to the kinds of things he does to possess people.
• Body Surf: He basically switches from body to body as he needs to - most of his bodies are huge, menacing and powerful, and others give him useful abilities.
• Broken Pedestal: After the number Azekred did on him, Nerkhun never again called upon favors from his dark patrons, instead amassing power on his own. Given he previously counted Azekred as his favored deity, it is easy to see how betrayed he would feel that his lord would do this to him.
• Co-Dragons: His three generals, who usually leap in whenever people get too close to his real body. One wields a blade on a chain, another wields a voulge, and the last wields a BFS.
• Combat by Champion: Fond of it, for ruthlessly pragmatic reasons - if his guy wins, the Umbral Horde wins. If the other guy wins, Nerkhun will posthaste rip free of his body and grab the victor's body to use as a new meatshield if at all possible.
• Compelling Voice: How he manages to retain loyal armed forces despite the fact he is a Bad Boss - one of his old bodies had this, and he can sway people's minds easily if they're already inclined a certain way.
• Crazy-Prepared: He is an obsessive superpower hoarder, stacking everything he can in order to make sure he cannot die; from Healing Factor, Made of Diamond, capable of being Made of Air, unbreakable bones, Gravity Master, Space Master to the Playing with Fire, Making a Splash, Blow You Away and Shock and Awe all the way to the more esoteric such as Alchemy (transmuting a deadly thing into something not so deadly being his most common move), Power of the Void, and Power of Creation. However, he cannot use many of these except when he's out and without a meatsuit, thus making him at his most powerful...but also most vulnerable.
• Deal with the Devil: Cracked a deal with his favorite deity, Azekred, who he had dealt with before, and...signed the terms very poorly, and without negotiation. As a result, he became what he is now. A wretched, horrible little thing, parasitically living through others.
• Demonic Possession: Though...decidedly not in the normal way...a lot gorier than most possessions, with the sole bright spot that he heals up his new body after entering it. He does need his bodies in good condition.
• Duel to the Death: A drastic and dynamic deconstruction and subversion by the end. A young man and magic user named Aston, believed to be Sargon reincarnated, challenged him to one on one combat. Nerkhun, despite fearing Sargon, believed he was the better combatant now. He went forward and their duel seemed to be the stuff of legends, both combatants evenly matched (Nerkhun muses at one point the whole "Head Prodigy of the Western School of Magic" thing was not an exaggeration)...and then an old short story villain kills Aston by throwing a javelin through his head from behind. Nerkhun was pissed, atomized said villain for cheating him of a possible win and escape from his fears, and enshrined Aston's body. When you lead a ruthless horde like Nerkhun does, you can't expect to suddenly do an honorable duel and have nobody try and play combat pragmatist...
• Even Evil Has Standards: Most of the more modern Umbral Horde has more standards than him. Reiji says he is gross, Dhakar dislikes him, and even the Four Paragons are wary of him, and dislike it when people so much as say "Five Paragons" rather than Four.
  • Malakith, King of the Dark Elves, is downright ashamed to note his father, Malekith, rode with this guy in pursuit of making the Dark Elves a force to be reckoned with again.
• Evil Is Bigger: Most of his bodies are, but Nerkhun himself averts it - he is about the size of a human child.
• Evil Sounds Deep: His voice is a raspy, malicious tone, booming and with a slight echo to it that speaks of his demonic nature.
• The Friend Nobody Likes: It says a lot about how vile, irredeemable, malicious, underhanded and callous this thing is that even fucked up monstrosities like Nalesta ("Queen of Excess", quite explicitly has the ability to fuck people to death and uses this combined with shapeshifting quite a lot), Azul Doulcang (destructive dragon and Noble Demon, also another former warlord), Wrathark Chaos (huge Big Red Devil very fond of slaughter and violent one on one duels), and Newton (horrible scheming monster obsessed with eldritch secrets) all consider him to be this. They cannot very well get rid of him, and if someone counts Nerkhun as being a "Paragon" in the same light as they are, they are quick to deny it. They've even tried to get him killed a bunch of times across the years with no success.
• Humanoid Abomination: His nature and true appearance are completely abominable, and despite looking somewhat humanoid, it is gruesomely obvious he is not in fact human any longer.
• Immortals Fear Death: In part because he didn't get Complete Immortality, just a sort of parasitic existence - he immensely fears death, and hopes to escape it by becoming truly immortal.
• I Was Quite a Looker: He doesn't have much of this, but upon looking in a magical mirror, he sees his old, dashing looking body before he jumped the Moral Event Horizon. He actually becomes depressive for a moment, and wistfully murmurs, "...I was handsome, once. I forgot that - now it simply burns in the forefront of my mind."
• Praetorian Guard: Composed of exactly 66 men - all of them enchanted particularly thoroughly by his voice.
• Puppeteer Parasite: He controls all of his bodies, on a fine tuned level, even managing to duplicate their tics and vocal inflections perfectly.
• Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves: Deals it out several times, with others pondering what those traitors thought they'd get from a famously paranoiac creature like him.
  • The Chancellor of Sandsmark on Planet Gaia sold out his whole country in hopes of attaining a Deal from the favored Champion of Azekred. He instead got fed to a bunch of giant spiders.
  • In World War II, a faction of Ustasha attempt to summon him and make him fascist leader of their country. The minute he gets a serviceable army out of it, he enchants the army with his Compelling Voice and slaughters everyone else in a ritual to bring three of his old generals back.
• Smug Super: Best exemplified by this quote; "I am Nerkhun, the Corpse King - die on your own blades or on those of my men, but die you shall. And then I'll pick through you for new vessels."
• Spider Limbs: Used to puppeteer his bodies, and existing on each limb, on top of limbs on his back.
• Spider Swarm: He contains a large number of spiders bound to his will, which can paralyze foes to make his method of possession easier.
• Time Abyss: He is really fucking old - not as old as some others, but the fact he's from the 24th Century BC and has survived this long says a lot about both his Crazy-Prepared nature and how thorough he is in eliminating threats.
• Underestimating Badassery: He initially thought that blond sportsman from California was an ant, something he could crush at his leisure and mess with as he pleased. Nerkhun had not done any research as to what happened to Caine Dekeren, and considered him unimportant as well. To say this was a gigantic error would be an understatement. For one, Matthew Streiss can summon weapons that can hurt him, and which are more than capable of nullifying his defenses and killing him.
  • Was also the one being underestimated - by the time of the Corpse King books, the world's governments, the United States in particular, should have learned not to pick fights with Dark God Warlords. Keep in mind however which President it is we're dealing with. So Donald proceeds to be the Unwitting Instigator of Doom by picking a fight with Nerkhun. Matthew actually says "...what a fucking moron..." when he hears the government picked a fight it couldn't win.
• Villainous Breakdown: The moment he's actually hurt, he goes from confident to fleeing and using any means necessary to guarantee a safe retreat.
• We Have Reserves: Given he knows necromancy, he is fond of this tactic. His army can be gushing about his benevolence, and then rejoice in how honored they are to perform a suicide mission for him.

edited 30th Oct '17 10:06:07 PM by NickTheSwing

Nerkhun sounds like a very interesting villain. Villains who want immortality are some of the most despicable in my opinion. I personally love how he seems to have some traits of a Classic Villain, most notably Pride. I think he could definitely be considered a Complete Monster, and a very good example of one. I also think you gave him just enough humanizing traits to avoid having him be a Generic Doomsday Villain, but perhaps you could give him just a little more. Still, I think you're definitely on the right track.

---

Now, I'd like to submit my first villain here. I don't have very much about the story planned out, although filling out this list did help me flesh out the character a lot more. I actually came up with the idea for this character a long time ago, but just writing the following helped me figure out a lot more about him than I had thought of previously. This guy will be the villain in one entry of a fantasy-comedy series I have in mind:

• Name: Orcasino
• Age: I prefer to give my monster characters Vague Ages. However, in human terms, he'd probably be in his 30's.
• Personality: Most people only know him as an intimidating, heartless monster who wants to hypnotize everyone and build an empire. He does act this way towards most people, but deep down, he's more complex. He actually feels he must take over the world, and regrets having to do so. He's actually rather confused and angry, and thinks his complex evil plan is the best solution to his problems.
• Appearance: An enormous orca who moves by sliding around on his tail. At first glance, his body appears to be covered with casino-themed objects - he has poker chips for eyes, a spread-out deck of cards for tailfins, and neon lights lining his body - but they are all actually part of his body.
• Abilities: He has the ability to spawn any casino item - slot machines, roulette tables, etc - out of thin air, and at will. Being an orca, his brute strength is not to be underestimated either.
• Weaknesses: A very stubborn character. He's actually very emotional deep down, but refuses to talk to anyone about his feelings except his most trusted servants. He also has a bit of a Complexity Addiction, always wanting to put on a show.
• Goals: Conquer as much land as he can, even if he has to Take Over the World.
• Motivation: Try and satisfy his seemingly unsatiable, and unfortunately subconscious, greed.
• Role in the story: Will either be the Big Bad, or 1/2 of a Big Bad Ensemble. If I go with the latter, then for most of the story, he's the threat that the heroes are more aware of than the other villain.
• Backstory: He was casino-themed from birth. When he was young, he was a nice guy who had fun gambling and eventually started his own casino. But as time went on, he began to grow weary of gambling, and realized that it was the only thing he could do. For advice, he talked to the wise Fourth Wallrus (a walrus with Medium Awareness), who bluntly told him that the reason he's so focused on gambling is because he's a fictional character, who was given a gambling theme just for the sake of a silly pun. Orcasino was depressed, until Fourth Wallrus told him that now that he knows he's fictional, he could technically do anything he wants. So Orcasino got the idea to try and take over the world, build more casinos, make more money, etc. in hopes of finally satisfying his gambling urges. He turned a slot machine into a machine to hypnotize everyone in his hometown (except Fourth Wallrus, who he hired as an advisor) to serve as his own personal army.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Affably Evil: Despite wanting to take over the world, he bears no real ill will towards anyone, unless they actively work against him. He also always plays fair while gambling, and considers cheating to be the worst crime there is.
  • Beware the Silly Ones: Despite his flashy and gaudy behavior, thanks to his gambling skills, he can be quite cunning at times. He's especially good at reading others.
  • Bright Is Not Good: Considering his casino theme, he is a fan of bright lights and loud music.
  • Evil Is Hammy: When he's interacting with the heroes or other non-allies, he is constantly shouting, and shows a lot of grandeur. Even when he's by himself or with only his closest servants, he shouts often, due to mood swings.
  • Evil Sounds Deep: Averted. Despite being big and imposing, I want him to have a voice more like Cab Calloway or Danny Elfman.
  • Funny Character, Boring Actor: Invoked In-Universe. He likes to maintain his image as Evil Is Hammy when he's talking to people, but in his spare time, he mainly just sits by himself in a dark room, repeatedly spinning a slot machine, miserable.
  • Gadgeteer Genius: Aside from being able to spawn casino machines at will, he is also quite good at modifying them.
  • The Gambler: He's made of and able to create gambling items. He also uses gambling terms even in casual conversation.
  • The Gambling Addict: ...The unfortunate side effect of being forced to have your whole life revolve around gambling.
  • Genius Bruiser: A big, powerful orca who is also a skilled gambler and evil-plot-maker.
  • Heel–Face Turn: I'd like this to be his fate, but since I still don't have much planned out, I don't know if this ending will work the best for the story. Still, I feel like he should at least get Redemption Equals Death.
  • Punny Name: His name is a portmanteau of "orca" and "casino".
  • Sad Clown: Although he is funny and hammy on the surface, deep down he is depressed and bitter due to feeling that he can't escape from gambling. It's also implied that he feels he has to be the bad guy.
  • Sapient Cetaceans: A massive Funny Animal orca.
  • Villain Song: If he appears in a medium that uses audio, I want him to have a jazzy, Broadway-style song. (Something like this, or maybe Oogie Boogie's Song.)

No "Bowser's Fury" questions please. I haven't played it yet.

...This is going to be some Xanth or Terry Pratchett level weird, or possibly even weirder, isn't it?

I'm going to begin by setting aside the fact that the basic idea of this character is absolutely ridiculous (in a fun way, mind you), and I'm going to go ahead and start listing things I like about Orcasino.

First of all, he has a theme, and he stays within that theme. One of the tropes that I have a love/hate relationship with is Combo Platter Powers, and by settling on a theme for his powers, you have established an identity for him that all of his magic ties back into, which is much more memorable by default (compare Superman to the Flash or the Hulk). I'd like to see what kind of shenanigans the power to conjure up gambling machines is capable of outside of hypnotism. (What does he call that attack? "The Skinner Box-Trap?")

In addition to that, he's an orca, which, of course, is rightfully relevant in combat. I get this weird, nagging feeling whenever I see a Funny Animal character in a work who should be a dangerous combatant based on their species act as though they were human. Watching an intelligent orca with magic powers respond to a smaller, dexterous hero's dodging past his gambling gauntlet and making a big speech by tail-whipping him into a wall would be incredibly satisfying for me, as well as a good way of showing that Orcasino means business. (A slightly more gruesome example)

I noticed a strong resemblance to Oogie Boogie and King Dice. If your story was released fairly recently, I imagine you would have a few detractors pointing out the similarities. However, the inclusion of the INCREDIBLY meta backstory, the tone of the setting, and the inclusion of a bit more depth to the character in his struggle for meaning in his life add new twists to the old archetype that keep it fresh. Giving him the opportunity for a Heel–Face Turn is also a nice addition, especially if that results in An Aesop about gambling that goes beyond "Gambling is evil and bad," what with him being a good guy by that point, especially if his evil schemes wind up also getting pulled into the motif, like continuing on in his plans despite them not seeming to work due to the Sunk Cost Fallacy, or believing his chances out there are better after suffering several setbacks due to the Gambler's Fallacy. It all can tie in!

My final verdict: Please make this story a reality. I want this to be in a book, on a TV, 50% off at Steam, or somesuch other publishing. At the very least get someone to do some artwork of the guy. He sounds almost eldritch in appearance! You get my full endorsement to keep at it!

Funny you should mention the similarities to those other two villains! Back when I first conceived the character, probably about a year ago, he actually was intended as an expy of Oogie. But then, as I started to think more about him, I started giving him more different traits, most notably his more sympathetic traits. And it was the success of Cuphead and its anti-gambling message that inspired me to continue developing his character.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm glad you think I've done a good job handling the gambling theme so far, and I agree that there is so much more I can do with it. Your enthusiasm for Orcasino makes me very excited to continue developing him, until I hopefully publish his story one day.

No "Bowser's Fury" questions please. I haven't played it yet.

I don't suppose anyone minds if I posted another villain, then? Considering the last one has already been critiqued. Just felt like it might be a bit too soon after I posted my last one. :/

"If you think like a child, you will do a child's work."

Since you don't have any villains to critique, I'll post mine.

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Name: The Supreme Leader of Megiddo: Angolmois, The Parasite, The True Enemy or Lucifer

Age: Millions of years.

Personality: An overtly mysterious Supreme Leader of the criminal terrorist organization named Megiddo, she commands through the Four Beasts to control everything in Earth.

In first glance, it appears she have no reason other than she and the Megiddo organization conquering and global genocide the world. When Warren Hiedler and his companions discover her in the Morningstar Space Station, it becomes worse than usual.

The Supreme Leader's true colors is a sadistic, emotionless and omnicidal being who desires the complete destruction of God's creation. She is highly nihilistic because of her godlessness, and believes that God's beloved creation, Humankind has grown too strong and good. She desires bringing chaos and evil all over the Universe to spite the Creator and succeeded corrupting or destroying many alien worlds in her wake.

Abilities: Biological manipulation, combat adaptive mutation, control over Megiddo and other horrifying powers.

Weaknesses: She is highly self-destructive and extremely stupid to everything as well with her willing hatred of God.

Goals:

• Earlier Chapters: World conquest and global genocide.
• The Reveal: Complete destruction of God's creation.

Motivation: Hatred of God, trying to destroy creation and corruption of Earth into a world of evil and chaos.

Role in Story: True main antagonist of The Theriomorph Chronicles. As well with the setting of Maranatha.

Backstory:
Originally Lucifer, one of God's highest angels in the Heavenly Host and the most powerful angel, she grew pride and deceit in her own heart. Deciding that God was unworthy for His position, she planned a massive rebellion of angels in order to usurp the Almighty.

Rebellion broke out by the primordial universe, and she lost against the Archangel Michael and God Almighty. She was cast out of Heaven along with all of her rebels into the primordial universe which was cooling. Swearing wrath against God, she declared that she will mislead creation and destroy everything until Judgment Day.

Rampaging during the millions of years before Earth's creation, she willingly corrupted or destroyed alien lifeforms and civilizations via spreading evil philosophies such as Nihilism, Atheism, Communism and other ideas, altering the ecosystem, tampering with evolution and nightmarish methods beyond human powers. Her actions caused the Fermi Paradox as we know it.

When the Solar System was a new creation, three habitable planets named Venus, Earth and Mars were similar. Life evolved on its grounds and it evolved into advanced lifeforms with strengths. Angolmois was disgusted that God managed to do it, she deliberately shut of Mars' magnetic field by supercooling the core to lose water while caused a runaway greenhouse effect and increasing volcanism in Venus. She spared Earth because she knew God would create and evolve Adam and Eve from apes in Africa.

Millions of years later, after so many destructions of planet and life in the Milky Way, she returned to Earth to form Megiddo during 1850. Over time, she gathered depraved people all over history to create Theriomorphs during 2000.

One mistake she did was to transmutate Warren Hiedler, son of Megiddo Chief Scientist Christopher Hiedler into a Bald Eagle Theriomorph. This mistake caused the events of Theriomorph Chronicles and its sequel Maranatha.

Relevant Tropes':

• A Form You Are Comfortable With: It is implied that she uses her human form because her true form as a fallen angel and a devil would drive a person mad or dead.
• Alien Kudzu: She spreads the demonic alien growth known as Wormwood to infest and destroy planets. It is part of her body
• Almighty Idiot: She truly does not know her own strength and full potential as a cosmic horror and not knowing how many people will die. This makes it worse because she doesn't care about lives of trillions that she wiped out.
• A Million Is a Statistic: This is how she treats the millions and trillions of lives in the Milky Way and the universe.
• Ancient Evil: She is older than the universe itself. Only God surpass her because God is the beginning and the end.
• Arch-Enemy: To Warren Hiedler.
• The Assimilator
• Assimilation Plot: Plans to absorb every living thing into her with the Wormwood organism.
• Blasphemous Boast: Her ultimate motive rant towards Warren Hiedler, his companions and the Blood Order.
• Card-Carrying Villain: She often does Evil Gloating that she is a devil and likes every point of being evil.
• Complete Monster: This would take up a lot of space when writing her acts.
• Cosmic Horror Reveal: The horrible revelation about her true nature causes the finale of Theriomorph Chronicles into this.
• The Corrupter: She is truly capable of corrupting humans with her own power and prescence.
• Cruel and Unusual Death: Being torn apart by the Theriomorphs is a very gruesome death which speaks volumes of how bleak and twisted the story is.
• Darth Vader Clone: When she first appears confronting Warren Hiedler on her throne room in the Morningstar Space Station.
• Dirty Coward: Activates the self-destruct sequence of the Morningstar and escapes to Earth to further her final plans of corruption and destruction of the Earth.
• Dystopia Justifies the Means: She wants the universe and God's creations in whole just to suffer and die nightmarishly.
• Eldritch Abomination: She is a devil whose true form is capable of destroying star systems and extinguishing life as we know it.
• The End of the World as We Know It: If Warren and the Blood Order didn't stop her in time, Earth would be reduced to a world of evil and chaos.
• Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: She cannot understand why Warren would care for Theriomorphy despite all his horrible acts.
• Eviler than Thou: How she screams at Warren Hiedler.
• Evil Overlord: She is the leader of Megiddo and the Fallen Angels who are determined to destroy God until Judgment Day.
• The Evils of Free Will: She intends to strip of every sapient lifeforms in the universe so that she could control everything in her rule to be worshipped as The Anti-God of the World.
• Fallen Angel: Her true nature was a fallen angel cast out of Heaven as the result of the War in Heaven and her pride.
• For the Evulz: She has not proper motivation other than her hatred of God.
• Greater-Scope Villain: She causes the events of Theriomorph Chronicles, which made Warren into a very dark anti-hero who decides that humankind is exterminated due to being evil and weak leading to the events of Maranatha, which involves Aminara trying to save both worlds despite Angolmois is dead by that point.
• A God Am I: Inverted as she believes she is a devil and she should be proud of it.
• Hollywood Atheist: She believes that God is evil imaginary impotent spirit who is strong.
• Hoist by Her Own Petard: Her ultimate fate is due to the monsters that she indirectly created.
• Hope Crusher: This involves pushing somebody out off the Despair Event Horizon so that they would lose hope on God's power.
• Humanoid Abomination: Do not be fooled, she is not really human at all.
• Insignificant Little Blue Planet: How Angolmois sees Earth and several other planets and star systems as it.
• Lack of Empathy: She shows no emotion or shows any sympathy for lifeforms other than prideful boasting, blasphemous rage and
• Louis Cypher: Her false name as Angolmois to her subordinates and the Four Beasts.
• Lovecraftian Superpower: Such as biological control, mind control, planetary destruction and other abominable powers.
• Mad God: Inverted. It is like a mad devil.
• Motive Rant: Her speeches towards Warren Hiedler.
• Rage Against the Heavens: She without question tries to destroy God's creation to drive God into His Wrath and bring Him into her level.
• Straw Nihilist: This is her main philosophy to the whole Universe and God.
• The Social Darwinist: Inverted. She desires to help the weak lifeforms by killing the strong and altruism.
• Suicidal Cosmic Temper Tantrum: What is ultimate result of her actions if she managed to win in the first place.
• Stupid Evil: Used darkly in the story. Trillions of lifeforms die because of her actions before the events.
• To Create a Playground for Evil: She absolutely wants to turn the Earth into a Death World of evil and chaos, a world where Humankind and Theriomorphy has only thoughts of evil and wordly desires.
• To the Pain: “I will annihilate everything! Exterminate advanced civilizations! Eradicate the nature! Obliterate the self! Extinguish life itself! Erase the righteousness! Destroy stars and planets! Decimate the universe of life and its creations! Destroy Lord God Almighty myself!”
• Ultimate Evil: She is the reason why the Fermi Paradox exists; she is the reason why she caused the Fall of Man and events of Theriomorph Chronicles and Maranatha.
• Omnicidal Maniac: What her true motivations lies on.
• One-Winged Angel: Her final form when attempting to corrupt and destroy Earth as a massive blob of biomass in New York City.
• Planetary Parasite: What she does when controlling her minions on planets that she intends to destroy.
• Villainous BSoD: After being defeated by Warren Hiedler and his companions, she undergoes her guilt realization and begs Warren not to kill her. Warren absolutely rejects it.
• We Can Rule Together: Offers this to Warren Hiedler in exchange of becoming her antichrist to the world. Warren rejects this offer, calling it evil.
• Your Approval Fills Me with Shame: Angolmois genuinely applauds the cruelty and stupidity of Humankind and approves the horrible and appalling acts of Warren Hiedler and the Blood Order, in which Warren agrees causing her to fill her with pain.

edited 18th Nov '17 11:25:17 PM by Huthman

Up in Useful Notes/Paraguay

As long as you stay away from attempting social commentary, it should be good - Lucifer as a villain can be done, and it can be done well (just see Shin Megami Tensei), though in that case an argument could definitely be made YHVH is an equal in the badness department. I do have to wonder how Lucifer might think God is imaginary if he / she / it rebelled in Heaven, presumably having direct contact with God. That is one angle that I think you've not really thought things through on in favor of another random atheist thing.

• Name: Luke Locke

• Age: 19 - 30s

• Personality: Luke Locke is one of the first people corrupted by the Warlord of the Umbral Horde Caith Branch, Elwood Sexton (himself someone written of here) - and easily one who took the most to his new life of excess. Luke is an absurdly prideful man, vain and egoistic, though in such a way as that he thinks such a way of conducting himself is actually normal for him. That someone as "bloodlessly perfect" as him deserves to live a life of sexual excesses and eroticized murder. His physical appearance is cultivated so as best to look stunning - and this is reflected in his nature and personality. He actively chases perfection and pleasure, intertwining the two concepts. He is at once both totally amoral and proud of his actions. He is a thorough perfectionist in everything, from preferring to kill every single man in a troop opposing Umbral Horde Caith, to outright stating "I don't think a rape is complete if I don't use every hole. And if I don't feel satiated, I can always make a new one." He seems to take a view on the other recruits to Umbral Horde Caith as if they're his family, lending rather creepy pseudo-incestuous vibes to some of his statements. Needless to say, Interplay of Sex and Violence figures in heavily with him, and some times it can be difficult to see if he's trying to have sex, torture, or kill someone.

• Abilities: Luke uses a blessed estoc of Zayufur called Pointbreaker, which can extend and retract so fast it can shoot a blast of highly compressed air pressure and Mana at the foe, in addition to being lethally sharp, laced with a sense-heightening toxin, and very quick in movement. Luke's fighting style is basically that of a Lightning Bruiser, preferring technique. He has a number of odd abilities affiliated with Zayufur as well, including Compelling Voice and some sort of corruptive allure.

• Weaknesses: Due to his technique based fighting style, he is distinctly poorly prepared for opponents simply decking him one or using more pragmatic approaches.

• Goals: "Self actualization and enjoyment".

• Motivation: Elwood showed him just how much of life "he was totally missing out on".

• Role in the story: Elwood's Dragon, Big Bad of an oncoming r/ No Sleep story called "Summer Camp with Sir Locke"

• Backstory: Originally a rich young man with a love for fencing (being something of a champion in it with an established fandom) and a kind disposition, he visited the wrong cave during a hiking trip and wound up face to face with Elwood Sexton, the leader of the infamous Umbral Horde group called "The Violators" aka Umbral Horde Caith Branch. Elwood whispered horrible things to the young man, using his abilities as Zayufur's Champion to slowly turn Luke against everything he stood for. The initially kind, doting young man became a hedonistic creature who skewered an opponent for daring to harm his face, and he was embroiled in a brawl between his loony fans and his detractors. He found the violence he witnessed distinctly pleasing, and encouraged it all the more, striking random people down to intensify the violence and increase its fever. Before long, he stood alone in a field of bodies...before Zayufur showed herself to him, and granted him his Estoc and his...more than human capabilities.

• Relevant Tropes:
• Affably Evil: The worst part about him is probably the fact he remains friendly and affable throughout - no matter what is going on or who's dying or being violated or both, he remains cheerful, chatty and assured of himself.
• Aren't You Going to Ravish Me?: When the narrator stalls, Luke seems to try to encourage him - "You've been checking me out since we met. Get on with it and do everything you ever wanted to do to me."
• Aristocrats Are Evil: The "sir" attached to his name, plus his obscenely wealthy family lends this kind of air, together with the fencing thing.
• Arrogant Fencing Guy: When Matthew makes an estoc too, and starts fencing against Luke, he gets increasingly irate that Matthew is matching him so well.
  • "I'm the best at fencing in the whole state!! You WON'T make me look bad in front of the whole corps!"
• Attention Whore: When he does something, he really prefers it be known it was him who did it. Thus, he always leaves some hint he did it, making some problems for him when he's really supposed to be framing someone else. He also prefers being noticed above everyone else, and dispenses death threats if people persistently outshine him.
• Combat by Champion: His usual game in war - he always challenges the most exciting or interesting guy in the other army to one on one, with some catches if he wins. Luke is a very dangerous and powerful foe, using poisons, his healing factor, and his limitless stamina to tire his foes down and then gruesomely dispatch them. This usually resumes conflict.
• Combat Sadomasochist: Sadist in that he seems to enjoy skewering foes on his estoc and then slamming them into the ground and saying "...was that as good for you as it was for me?" Masochist in that he enjoys being wounded and pushed around just as much.
• Compelling Voice: His voice is soft, alluring, and guides you in - and that's when he's not employing the magic part of this, and giving you a shove down into more malignant hedonism.
• The Corrupter: Similarly to the Zayufurite villains prior, and he plays the same role to the protagonist of Summer Camp, encouraging the young man to go down a similarly dark road to his own. Luke is even sadomasochistic enough to encourage the protagonist to abandon his restraint and force himself on Luke. "You lust after me. Its obvious. So...go ahead and take me."
• Corrupt the Cutie: Luke started off as a Pretty Boy rich lad, nice and with so little to do between fencing matches. He was implied to be bisexual back then too, but treated the people he involved himself with much better. He was then corrupted following a meeting with Elwood Sexton, a horrifying monster of a human being. Luke for his part is corrupting the narrator of Summer Camp, an impressionable high school sports player, more or less just because It Amused Me and Luke found his "jockish build" to "have some appeal". He seems to fetishize the corruption angle, even complaining when it gets disrupted, saying "this is seriously giving me some corruption blueballs."
• Depraved Bisexual: There is a distinctly predatory sense in Luke's sexuality after his turn to evil - he preys on people's faults and yearnings, and is entirely willing to force someone down and have his way with them. He is possibly the purest definition of a sexual predator - in that he uses sex and rape to predate upon people he doesn't want to simply immediately run through with his estoc. He learned a lot from Elwood.
• Evil Mentor: In Summer Camp, he takes an enthusiastic and informative tone when tutoring the young recruits to Umbral Horde Caith, remaining cheerful and informative even when the subject matter turns to disturbing sexual squick topics.
  • "Remember, you wacky young guys, your time at Umbral Horde Caith is supposed to be a time to branch out and experiment. If you don't like the holes available in our pleasure slaves, go ahead and make a new one or two. You're the only one you have to be accountable to."
• Healing Factor: In line with his sheer vanity, Luke immediately heals any disfiguring injury, usually noting how intense the pain was for that.
• The Hedonist: Like many other worshipers of Zayufur, he takes every opportunity to enjoy himself and violate both norms, and the sanctity of the space of those around him. He outright admits to being a rapist, and shrugs when asked if he sees nothing wrong with that. "When has ANYTHING enjoyable ever been legal?"
• Higher Understanding Through Drugs: Luke is a profligate user of drugs - its merely one corner of his hedonistic profile. Like a number of the Caith higher ups, he uses drugs to heighten his sensations and induce new ones.
• Ho Yay: Tied closely with Foe Yay - he and the narrator of Summer Camp with Sir Locke have a lot of this, with the narrator's desires toward Luke growing all the more aberrant the more time the two spend together.
• Human Resources: Luke tends to take many more prisoners than even the other Violators due to the fact his pleasures tend to "use up" his prisoners. Peyton, his lieutenant, describes some of the stuff he has to throw out of Luke's chambers as "looking like chopped up meat".
• Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: And with a lot of really uncomfortable sexual innuendo added on as well. As Antonius puts it "I always get rather uncomfortable watching you fight."
• It Amused Me: instant gratification is Luke's thing - the many immediate pleasures guide him more than anything else. He's not one for long form plans.
• Manipulative Bastard: Plays on the narrator's perceptions and ideas on top of using his compelling voice, intending to do the same number on the narrator that Elwood did on him.
• Master Swordsman: One of the most gifted swordsmen in the whole state - this in a series where magic lets swordsmen use Sword Beam attacks, and Luke being capable of a barrage of such attacks using his estoc.
• Mr. Fanservice: Evil Is Sexy as far as Zayufur is concerned - she absolutely loves the Evil Is Sexy trope, enjoying subverting people's expectation that a "good looking person might have some intrinsic good in them". Luke Locke is a complete and total stud - he's trimmed, manscaped, muscular and fit - every inch the metrosexual elite. There is a distinct vibe, however, that he and others like him are too "perfect". Too pleasing to the eye to be human. He doesn't need long limbs or a wide mouth to be a Humanoid Abomination.
• Pretty Boy: Initially - Luke is described by Elwood as "he had the face of an angel. Now he has the face of a tempting devil."
• Rape Is Drama: Luke - like most of his force - is themed on excess and the fleshy horrors of war. He encourages the narrator of Summer Camp to partake as well, even when the narrator comes to desire Luke himself.
• Red Baron: Became known as the "Terror of the Valley", due to breaking into Silicon Valley during the tremendous revolution of Book V, and immediately arranging slaughtered defense forces into some rather profane and disgusting arrays dedicated to his Lady of Defilement.
• Sex Is Violence: His opinion - he is not a bloodthirsty man, but instead he sees war and fighting as an intrinsically pleasurable activity where his view of the world and himself is both validated and enforced. "It is pornography, written on the skin of the losers."
• Signature Move: His is parrying the opponent's attack with a special armored glove, and then skewering the opponent, followed by shoving them into the ground. "Haah...that was exhilarating."
• Smug Snake: Famously vain, and straddles the line between smugness and actual competency.
• Wicked Cultured: only the finest of culture and objects are good enough for Luke Locke - anything else is too ugly to be worth caring about.

edited 19th Nov '17 2:30:48 PM by NickTheSwing

That's a nice villain you got there, say can anybody give an in-depth critique of my villain?

Up in Useful Notes/Paraguay

SMT Lucifer is really something weird, the levels of sympathy for him change from game to game (which make sense given that most of them are on Alternative Universe s) but he is always show as somehow better than the Law side.

I also have a Lucifer villain to be honest but he just get to be the Big Bad of Act 1 of 3. Which probably said a lot of the Serial Escalation on my story

edited 19th Nov '17 4:38:28 PM by KazuyaProta

Watch me destroying my country

Locke's disgusting which is obviously what you were going for, but I can't help but feel that I've seen him before. That's not inherently a bad thing, mind you, but I'm curious as to how you hope to distinguish him from all the other hedonistic rapist pretty boys that fill so much of our media. Does he have any interests outside of the standards of sex and excess? Any hobbies that might surprise the reader? I think if you gave him just one quirk or interest outside of the norm for this character type, you'd make him feel a lot more real, and therefore, that little bit scarier.

---

So, my first post here in a while. Going to return to a story concept I was kicking around a few years ago in this thread, and the Hero Critique Thread. Links to relevant characters I've already written up will be provided in the text. He hails from a world in which people are able to form contracts with words or concepts, and gain abilities drawing from said contract, gaining whatever powers or skills the contract bearer believes to be related to their word.

Name: Carson Krieg

Age: Early twenties

Personality: Carson's a thug, and rather proud of it. Known for bending the rules during his days as a boxer, Carson's only gotten worse over the course of his criminal career, and there's not much he won't do in the name of scoring a victory. Where he once had a sense of healthy competition, it's been warped by both his contract and years of criminal activity into a need to come out on top of every situation, no matter the costs to himself or to others. Usually straightforward and about as subtle as a lead pipe to the skull, Carson can and will turn underhanded if a situation seems to be turning against him, and if bested or embarrassed, holds grudges like nobody's business. Ostensibly Only in It for the Money, Carson's priorities can be seriously upended if he's challenged in any major way.

Abilities: Carson's word is "Fight", and when activated it transforms from a capable boxer and street fighter into a master of every martial art—and every dirty trick—ever invented, while also granting him the memories and experiences of veteran fighters well beyond his years. Whatever you might try against Carson, he's seen it before—even if he hasn't—as his contract takes it upon itself to feed him the relevant information. Hand him a weapon, he'll instantly master it. Invent a new fighting style, he'll duplicate it. Outclass him physically, and his contract will jack up his stats until he overpowers you, or comes close enough that it doesn't matter. Already a very fit, very strong man, Carson's contract increases his strength, speed, stamina, reaction time, reflexes, adrenaline levels, and pain tolerance to just below the superhuman level, making him tougher than anyone whose contract doesn't explicitly involve their strength. Barehanded or armed, Carson is functionally unbeatable in a fair fight.

Weaknesses: Carson's contract doesn't arm him—any weapons he's going to use, he has to bring with him, or steal from an enemy. If an adversary is better equipped then Carson, the odds are suddenly a heck of a lot more even—while he'll almost automatically take a fair fight, there's plenty an opponent can do to make sure the fight is never fair.

On the personal level, Carson's contract twists his thinking to the point where he cannot always think rationally. If offered any form of violence Carson all but has to respond, even if doing so disadvantages him, and if challenged to a duel or other form one-on-one of physical contest, he is incapable of turning it down, no matter how much he might know better. Similarly, he struggles with any form of subterfuge, at least so long as he thinks he can win a fistfight with the target—once he's lost or otherwise been embarrassed, then he can try to be sneaky, although even then, he's handicapped by the fact that he cannot let go of the defeat.

Goals: At least in theory, Carson's working for the Unshriven Legion, and bad as Belial is, he at least pays well. After his first clash with Ike Rail and sustaining an injury at the boy's hands, however, Carson becomes obsessed with putting Ike in the ground, and as a result, stays on with Belial long past the point when a sensible person would have taken the money and run.

Motivations: Carson really, truly believes that if he'd never been caught taking that dive (see below), he would currently be heavyweight boxing champion, and be living the high life. Having lost that due to his own actions, Carson refuses to take responsibility, blaming the Boxing Commission, his opponents, and society in general for the fact that he's been reduced to a cage fighter and hired goon. He wants to make enough money to get out and set himself up in the lifestyle he always dreamed of having, though in truth, his contract so possesses him now that he'd have no idea what to do without the steady supply of violence and victims.

Role in Story: Carson's hired muscle, brought in by Belial after the death of Rex, the Legion's previous field leader, at the hands of Ike Rail and Emary Rose. Teamed with several other mercenary contractors and Legionnaires, some of whom may get write-ups of their own later, Carson is sent out to harass Emary, Ike, and anyone else investigating the Legion's activities, with the intention of making sure that none of these meddlers get to close to the Legion's inner circle. After his first battle with Ike, Carson develops a fixation on the boy as someone to crush, and begins seeking him out, with or without instructions from Belial, becoming Ike's primary rival and Evil Counterpart until the end of the series.

Backstory: Carson Krieg was a promising boxer in high school, right up until he was caught being paid by a rival school to take a dive. Ejected from the team, and with his hopes of turning professional after high school crushed, Carson fell in with the criminal element, first as an underground cage fighter, then as an enforcer and mercenary gangster. When one of his bosses screwed him out of a paycheck and had him beaten by his bodyguards, Carson's contract activated, allowing him to brutalize his one-time employer and his hirelings—though at the cost of ensuring he'd never work in that town again. Since, Carson has bounced from underworld outfit to underworld outfit, and from city to city, earning a few paychecks before his steadily escalating penchant for overkill forces him to burn his bridges and skip town, often with some very angry ex-employers in back of him. By the time Belial hires him, Carson's been dividing his time between low-rent jobs for nobodies who will take him on despite his reputation for unnecessary violence, and high rent, higher risk jobs for terrorist organizations he'd never have dreamed of working with in the past, and who are prepared to take him on because of that same reputation.

Relevant tropes: Axe-Crazy (increasingly so), Blood Knight, Boxing Battler (usually starts a fight like this, though it rarely lasts), The Brute (replaces Rex in this role), Evil Counterpart (to Ike Rail), It's Personal (with Ike), Minor Injury Overreaction (Ike left a tiny scar on Carson's face in their first battle; it becomes the nexus around which an entire enmity orbits), Never My Fault (Carson accepts no responsibility for being driven out of legitimate boxing), Power Glows (his finger tattoos glow bright blue when his contract is activated), Psycho for Hire (though he doesn't know it), Sanity Slippage, Sore Loser, Tattooed Crook (FIGHT is tattooed across the fingers of both Carson's hands) Worlds Greatest Warrior (how he sees himself), You Fight Like a Cow (keeps up a steady stream of trash talk)

edited 20th Nov '17 8:42:59 PM by AmbarSonofDeshar

I had to admit, I like this guy, he is certainly a massive asshole in many levels but I dont really can see him as Pure Evil, something that I like, there lots of steps between Anti-Villain and Complete Monster (a lot of series that I like suffer that, for example, In the Persona series only the Big Bad of P1, the murder of P4 and arguably the Traitor for P5 avoid being either antivillains or pure evil with no redeemable traits on screen).

For his background, well, I like the gradual escalation of evil on his backstory, starting from a regular criminal to a nightmarish Blood Knight. He was always a jerk but is clear that there was a path from jerk to monster.

Watch me destroying my country

One thing I hope to get some mileage out of is the fact that the thing Carson was originally run out of the boxing circuit for, taking a dive, is the one thing he could never, ever do now. Carson's contract leaves him all but incapable of refusing a fight, let alone throwing one, and so the very act that got him into this mess, is the only villainous act he'll never, under any circumstances, be able to do again. To an extent, Carson has in fact blocked the memory of taking that dive from his mind—he still blames the boxing commission for running him out of the sport, but can no longer acknowledge to himself what he actually did. At some point I intend to have Ike throw it in his face, thus causing a serious rupture in Carson's psyche, and in doing so, make a point about the extent to which a person's contract can come to absolutely dominate their thinking (a point I'll want the audience to understand by the time Emary begins exploring Belial's myriad issues).

• Name: Kerron Casteller

• Age: 18

• Personality: Kerron Casteller started off as someone with a bevy of mental problems, and his later affiliation with Shiryu, God of Strife and Battle, only brought out some latent potential in him rather than distorting his personality. He was known for fighting in a deranged, berserked manner even when he was a normal person, and seemed to have a dulled perception of pain. Kerron was already Aaron Cascade's chief underling, following the bully out of odd respect for his brutality, and then continuing to follow when the meager bully became a Blood Knight in service to Shiryu. Kerron is deeply and tremendously loyal to Aaron Cascade, and would never even countenance the idea of betrayal - when asked if he was willing to testify about Aaron's activities, he scoffed and said he'd rather die than ever betray Aaron. After his turn to worshiping the God of Bloodshed, he seemed to take a philosophical look at himself and battle - as far as he is concerned, rage and bloodlust are absolutely natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Hence, he aims to enjoy his new proclivities as much as he can...which makes his increased tendency to go berserk troubling to him; as far as he knows it, going berserk decreases his lucidity and prevents him from wholly enjoying himself. Even so, it is a testament to his willpower that even in a berserker state he won't hurt the other members of Aaron's troop, the Umbral Horde Ragos.

• Abilities: He is possibly one of Shiryu's mightiest warriors, and his berserker mode seems to heighten his abilities beyond what he's capable of even more. He wields a Magitech Axe that can one hit kill a tank let alone anything else put in front of him; getting hit by his axe is not a good idea. He also wields a strange little shield on his left arm with a skull motif - this shield can release gouts of extremely hot flames. Other than enhanced abilities and enhancing them further by reinforcing himself with Mana, he's remarkably mundane in his fighting style. He was given an Artifact by Caine called the Copper Chain of Nails that harshly decreases the effect of any spell cast on him or prospectively by him, in exchange for reinforcing his mundane fighting style. However this chain has inlaid nails, such that if clasped too tight would inflict injuries...

• Weaknesses: his fighting style even normally is The Berserker, giving little or no thought to defense - even his shield doubles as a flamethrower.

• Goals: Kerron really has no goal except enjoy himself and help Aaron as much as humanly possible.

• Motivation: Aaron "taught me what living life really meant - I will not leave his side."

• Role in the story: The Dragon to Aaron Cascade.

• Backstory: His story starts really early - his mother, Svetlana, and his father Eamon came from vastly different outlooks, and a young Kerron was victim to his mother's drinking habit throughout his life as a result of one poor decision. When he was not even a year old, she left out a needle she was working with while drunk, and it was pushed into Kerron's skull, hitting a very specific area. As a result, growing up, he struggled with anger issues and a far diminished sense of pain. He met Aaron as a victim of this, and what ensued actually made Kerron feel pain for the first time. As a result, Kerron decided he quite liked Aaron, and followed him ever since. Even when the world went insane, and the Masquerade keeping Magic from the Mundane went away, Kerron followed Aaron loyally and with no hesitation. His path remained straightforward and he moved with it, never once looking back, such is his utter loyalty to Aaron.

• Relevant Tropes:

• Abusive Parents: Oddly averted in comparison to the other Umbral Horde members; while Aaron, Tobias and Elwood all go for revenge against their parents, Kerron has no grievance with them aside from Svetlana's drinking habit and even that was viewed as minor by Kerron. So while his fellows go to avenge themselves, Kerron tries to impress on his parents it is not their fault for him becoming what he is, and giving them a teleport sphere from Reiji to make sure they got out of Sanfield safe.
  • “My mother is a deeply flawed person, but I don’t want her to die. I’ll march toward either Valhalla or Damnation on my own, and not drag my parents into it.”
• An Axe To Grind: He wields a gigantic axe called Ragebearer, which holds a lot of devastating power. Tying into his liking for Kill It with Fire, by smashing it hard enough into something, it makes a huge explosion.
• At Least I Admit It: Kerron actively admits to his murderous nature with the caveat he sees nothing unnatural about it - in his view, the urge to kill and murderous rage are natural parts of the human experience. Rather than corking it up, he thinks it is far healthier to let it out. “In a way, I’m like you guys. Except while you try and forget the satisfaction you get crushing a skull, I embrace it - I admit it. I don’t try to be anything but what I am.”
• The Berserker: Once he gets going he tends to lapse into a berserk rage, largely caused by his early life accident. He is however troubled by how it seems to cause a lapse in consciousness, as he wants to enjoy every second of battle, not lapse into unconscious actions.
• Blood Is the New Black: Darkly muses in one battle that with how much of a mess he makes, whenever the red paint on his magitech armor even starts to fade, the blood from battle covers it up.
• Blood Knight: Undoubtedly - Kerron loved a fight as a mere mortal following Aaron Cascade around, and as an enhanced warrior in the Umbral Horde, if anything he just loves fighting even more.
• Body-Count Competition: He and Aaron will amuse themselves by having one of these - “Last man to 10,000 corpses buys drinks!”
• Challenge Seeker: Just as happy fighting a singular challenging opponent as he is massacring large numbers of his enemies.
• Deadpan Snarker: He tends to snark back at people - even when that someone is the immensely powerful Caine Dekeren or his lieutenants.
  • “You want me to name my axe ‘’that’’. Huh...I was more thinking Sunshine Rainbow. Nice and chipper. Should improve morale.”
  • "Can you say the orders without cycling through weird voices for once?" (directed at Caine "channeling" various fictional villains one after another.)
  • “You know, Antonius, I think he’s just angry he’s expected to wear that ridiculous hat.” (said to Antonius about Caine’s personal lieutenant after a ferocious argument between the two over references and such.)
  • In response to “I will have you know, you runt, I am Logain, Lord General of the Knights Argent!”; “Yes, I figured you were some big wig - seems EVERYONE who decides they’re important invests in ridiculous hats. Seriously man, it looks like you’re wearing an old Chinese Temple on your head.”
  • “You know what? I kind of feel sorry for you guys. Working for a perverted orangutan who wants to pork his daughter, ordered to attack a city full of demons, monsters and cranky old Antonius...you guys can retreat now, and I’ll only kill the irritating fuck that said I was only one man. How’s that sound?”
• Death Glare: Kerron has a downright mean one - he dispenses it to one commander who dismissed him as “just one man”, immediately convincing the man to order a general charge on Casteller. The result was...not pretty.
• Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?: Caine Dekeren is an abominably powerful man, verging on a Humanoid Abomination, and is so powerful that even the Scions less inclined to put up with anything have to give some deference to his delusions. Kerron...simply flips him off at any opportunity, knowing well enough Can't Kill You, Still Need You is in effect due to the subject matter of said delusions.
• Dissonant Serenity: While stalking several foes down a hallway, he notes “You little guys did a pretty good job banishing Dhakar like that. But it’s over now. Here or there, now or then, I’ll slice each of your heads off and add you to my tally.” Followed by dragging his axe’s blade along the wall…
  • In general he is rather...off...in how chipper he is in deadly situations.
• The Dragon: Aaron Cascade's Number Two, most capable warrior, and confidant. This was their relationship before and after their discovery of the magic side, and Kerron has never once thought of being anywhere else.
• Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette: Kerron even early on, with his pale countenance and unkempt mop of black hair gives a very distinct sinister vibe. The addition of his eyes turning red upon swearing himself to Shiryu makes the look even more foreboding.
• Even Evil Has Standards: Kerron utterly despises Caine, and only stays because Aaron is. When Caine is slain, the expectation by Caine was for Kerron to be so battle-crazed that he would keep on killing well past the end of the battle...Kerron stops mid-fight and mid swing even and says, "Well, ding dong the son of a bitch is dead", followed by signalling Aaron to start a withdrawal from the field.
  • It is pretty telling that even ‘’he’’ found the Avistia Massacre appalling. “I like a good slaughter as much as the next Shiryu Adherent. Nothing about THIS is speaking of challenge. They killed children for fucks sakes! They killed people running from the field! Just because...they lived here.”
• Expy: Subverted - Caine, ever the Daydream Believer, actually tried to force this trope on some of his underlings...and it simply never took with Kerron. Both because he couldn’t be intimidated, and because above all else Kerron is loyal to Aaron Cascade and Umbral Horde Ragos. In a way, the rejection of this delusional thought shows just how entirely wrong Caine turned out to be.
• Hair-Trigger Temper: His temper is a powder keg. Insulting his loyalty to Aaron - even being perceived as doing so - or insulting his abilities can result in some volcanic displays.
• Hyper-Competent Sidekick: He is this to Aaron Cascade - surprisingly enough, in comparison to the terrifying moodswings Aaron can have, Kerron is by comparison mellow. Kerron handles deployment and all the "boring little details", and then leaps into the fray alongside his oldest friend.
• In Love with Your Carnage: Aaron was the first person to ever truly make Kerron Casteller feel physical pain...and Kerron then said, “You...showed me what pain was...thank you, Aaron. Everyone else hates you. But you’re like a brother to me...I love you, bro.” And for affection starved Aaron, the connection was immediate, as thoroughly unhealthy as it was.
• It's Personal: Due to how seriously Kerron took his loyalty to Aaron, Caine made it personal by the first meeting.
  • Caine: A good day to you, my Betrayer.
  • Kerron: Caine you piece of—-
  • Reiji: Now now, easy...kind of taxing my telekinesis, don’t want to have a brawl happen right in front of the Gods. Kerron, cmon. Pick your fights, man. Sucks I know - but right now we’ve gotta play with the cards we’ve got.
  • Kerron: Fine...calming down. Hahhh...sorry, man.
• Kill It with Fire: Kerron has an awesome skull shield-flamethrower he uses, even saying “nothing says DIE quite like fire.”
• Nothing Personal: Tying into his ideology that rage and bloodlust are simply natural emotions, him trying to kill you is just a normal, natural thing. Nothing personal about it. He brings this up when he and Daniel have to temporarily team up to deal with some Werebeasts associated with the Light God of the Hunt.
  • Daniel: You...Casteller. You tried to cut off my head the other day and now...
  • Kerron: And now I'm teaming up with you to deal with these interloping bastards. Nothing personal there - just fight.
• Odd Friendship: The Kerron and Reiji friendship - not many really thought those two could become friends. Kerron distrusts overt magic, and wants to fight mostly using his weapon, while Reiji likes showing off his magic and fights using whatever blend of spells works this week. They found themselves becoming more like friends due in part to Kerron sympathizing with Reiji's humiliation and encouraging him to move forward, while Reiji is trying to help Kerron with his berserker problems and giving him advice.
  • Kerron even shows up for the Siege of Astenfield without needing to be given anything. Reiji asked if he needed anything in exchange for help, and Kerron simply replied “No.” Reiji needed to promise most other warlords he approached something, but Kerron took his units to the field out of sheer respect for the friendship they share.
• One-Man Army: Kerron is a close quarters example - "numbers work most of the time. Except on Casteller. He takes superior numbers as a challenge. I've heard stories that he slaughtered an army of a thousand on his own, painting his armor anew with the blood of the fallen."
  • Telling as to how true this was, he took on an entire army division in the Humiliation at Erdengard battle, and wasted every single person who tried to charge his position.
• Pet the Dog: He made sure his parents got out of Sanfield safe.
  • Helping settle refugees from Avistia is definitely not what he’d seem like the type to do. In part it is because even he found what was done there to not be in line with the Dark God of Bloodshed’s ethos.
• Powered Armor: Uses the same Magitech gear as the rest of Umbral Horde Ragos, though he notably refused a custom set from Caine all the way until the mid point of the war, to make a point.
• Undying Loyalty: And very proud of it, too - Kerron would follow Aaron to the ends of the earth if need be, and brooks no insult of his loyalty.
• Vitriolic Best Buds: The start of his relationship with Aaron, and some elements still persist; Aaron started out bullying little Kerron, and one day hit him hard enough that it made Kerron feel pain for the first time...and he liked it. From then on, he trained up to be able to be Aaron’s most trusted friend - and while gruff about it, Aaron appreciated Kerron’s company. Aaron would still push and shove Kerron a bit, though knowing Kerron enjoyed “the rough stuff”.
• Would Not Shoot a Civilian: Kerron only shoots for those able to fight back - there is utterly no challenge for him in slaughtering civilians, and thus he doesn’t do it.

edited 24th Nov '17 1:38:17 AM by NickTheSwing

To get an idea of their character, here is Kerron and other Umbral Horde characters in The Defense of Erdengard.

Okay Nick, question: are you posting antagonists, or not?

I don't know much about your world as a whole other than it being a Magitek-friendly place with dark gods and whatnot, but based on what I'm reading about your villains (which they undoubtedly are, don't worry), I'm actually unsure if they're Villain Protagonist characters or not.

I say this because they seem to be written human enough to not be complete monsters while still being evil enough to most certainly not be anti-villains. I'm actually somewhat unsure if they're the main threat or the main characters, they're so developed.

Then again, this isn't the hero critique thread, so maybe the heroes are even better developed and I just can't see it from this angle. Hmm. I hope they're just as good at snarking as the baddies are.

tl;dr: Jeez these are some rounded villains. Did you leave any Character Development for the heroes?

~~~~~~~~~~

A'ight, here's another villain I was planning for an RPG campaign in Savage Worlds (which I'm considering spending an afternoon applying copious amounts of Wiki Magic to sometime in the future). Again, I apologize for the incoming Wall of Text.

Name: Lilith

Age: Thousands of years. She is one of the two first beings to walk the Earth.

Personality: Lilith is a (wo)Manchild whose entire character arc begins and ends with the phrase "It's All About Me." She is The Sociopath who whispers praise and encouragement into the hearts of men just to watch them crash and burn. Any sign of honor, compassion, love, or remorse in her is a lie, and she will do anything, anything, to get what she wants.

Abilities/Resources:

• Lilith's primary power is allowing others to Make a Wish, at the cost of a little bit of corruption.
• Lilith's other main power is Human Shifting, for the use of a disguise among mortals, as her normal form is a little grotesque. She is The Social Expert, a Determinator, and The Chessmaster. She also features the usual demonic power of Super-Toughness.
• Her resources include a steadily increasing collection of demons who are willing to work for her, a magical trident she "borrowed" from her father, a teleportation ring, and a card to rent a helldrake free for a day that she won in a game of Lots.

Weaknesses: Like all demons, Lilith has a Kryptonite Factor to Cold Iron and magic, which bypasses the demonic resistance to normal weaponry. In addition, her fighting skills are about on-par with the average soldier, and she's not very imposing in-person. She makes up for this by doing her damnedest to avoid direct confrontation, relying on minions to do her dirty work.

Goals: First, she wants to take over the Kingdom of Eclipse by ruining it from the inside. Next, she'll use the territory and resources gained to Take Over the World. Finally, she'll take over Heaven and Hell, stick Chakravartin and Ha-Satan into lamps, and rule over all of existence as the God Empress she knew she was destined to be.

Motivation: Lilith is a Green-Eyed Monster, envious of humanity for ruling the Earth, and wants to conquer the universe out of spite. Lilith hates mankind for not allowing her to rule, she hates Chakravartin for replacing her with another one of her creations, and she hates her Father for not only giving in when Chakravartin started to complain about her, but for ceasing the war between Heaven and Hell that was started when Chakravartin replaced her with Eve.

Role In the Story: The Big Bad.

Backstory: It all started with the creation of the Earth by two deities: Chakravartin, a Love Goddess who rules over Heaven, and Ha-Satan, a War God who owns Hell.

• Earth was supposed to be a middle ground between the two extremes, where the two could make something more balanced together, sort of like a god's version of collaborative fiction. As was agreed beforehand, Chakravartin created a man, Adam, and Ha-Satan created a wife for him, Lilith.
• When Lilith began to fight with Adam for complete dominance, Ha-Satan was eventually pressured into trying to fix the problem, and took Lilith back to Hell while he thought of a solution. When that took too long, Chakravartin, bored, created Eve, who was less argumentative, breaking the promise.
• This infuriated Ha-Satan, which kick-started the war between Heaven and Hell as the two began trying to override the other's vision of the world: the angels of Heaven's love and forgiveness versus the demons of Hell's justice and law in a giant case of Depending on the Writer.
• Several thousand years later, the two gods have matured, and the war between the two has effectively died out, with Earth finally settling down as a roughly neutral territory, populated by humans who worship both deities, with only a little favoritism towards Chakravartin over Ha-Satan. Most everyone is happy with this, save for Lilith, who considers this peace to be the worst betrayal she's ever faced.

Relevant Tropes:

• A Form You Are Comfortable With: Her natural form is nasty enough to cause a Fear check.
• And I Must Scream: She intends to take the Makers of the world and jam them into lamps, crushed, unable to do anything but what they're commanded to do, until the end of time, which she would then use to grant her every wish, or perhaps just use as a reading light after dark.
• Authority Equals Asskicking: Downplayed. While Lilith can handle a few of Hell's commoners and go toe-to-toe with an ogre and win, she is far weaker than many of her own minions and prefers to let others do the dirty work for her.
• Big Bad: Infecting an entire village with an unknown, seemingly illness to tie up the town's witch? Beelzebub's doing it at her orders. Stealing the soul of dragon guardian of the nearby town? Her imps did that to keep them vulnerable. Corrupting the king of the land? That's her wish-granting she's exploiting. That strange mustachioed lady giving speeches about overthrowing the corrupt ruler? Same one. She is the cause of almost all of the conflict in the kingdom right now.
• The Chessmaster: Lilith has always got at least three plans running at the same time, all linking together and reinforcing one-another.
• Combat Pragmatist: If Lilith's side isn't at least three times as big as the your side and she isn't kicking sand into your eyes while she dials up a seven-headed dragon from Hell to Mind Control all of your allies and incinerate the ones that resisted it, that's not Lilith; that's the side-effects of the poisoned mushrooms she slipped into your soup.
• Complete Monster: Lilith is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most evil person in the story, with second-place being so far away from her that it's laughable.Her backstory begins with her being an entitled bitch, and her not getting what she wants has resulted in her plotting to corrupt the innocent, kill thousands of people, and reforge all of reality to work for her. She feels no remorse when she hears her brothers and sisters have died, and would have fed them to a helldrake herself the moment they stopped being useful to her. The only people who care about her, including her "Daddy-Dearest," she secretly plans to force into slavery. She doesn't get into straight fights often, but when she does, she takes a perverse delight in watching them bleed and cry.
• Deal with the Devil: Lilith can give you beauty, power, fortune, fame, strength, intelligence, or even revenge by granting wishes... at the cost of your morality.
• Despotism Justifies the Means: Lilith was originally intended by the gods to rule the Earth, and she's not going to just stand by and watch as her beautiful little playground gets abused by the spawn of Man.
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: Well, it's on her To-Do list, anyways...
• The Dog Was the Mastermind: Lilith, as a historical figure in the world, was a Small Role, Big Impact character due to her keeping a low profile and not being all that exceptional in the war compared to other notable demons, to the point where she's practically a myth. She has about as much of an impact on the holy scripts as the Serpent in the Garden of Eden does in the New Testament.
• The Evil Prince(ss): As the "daughter" of Ha-Satan she is often thought of as a princess of Hell, and she very much wants to overthrow her "Daddy Dearest."
• Expy: I'm sure nobody at my table would recognize any similarities to a certain other power-seeking girl with a 'stache.
• Flunky Boss: An Exaggerated Trope: The Mooks are stronger than the "boss."
• "Get Back Here!" Boss: When her Mooks fail, she'll do her best to retreat until she can get back to safety. She never stops trying to pull back from a fight.
• Girls with Moustaches: Lilith's favorite form is that of a young woman with a mustache and pants, as part of her attempts to seem manly due to the perception that masculinity seems to correlate with dominance and that doing so would make her more powerful.
• Hypocrite: She will happily shed crocodile tears and complain about how barbaric and childish you are for playing dirty with a creature from a world of law and honor right before attempting to kill you mid-speech and blowing a raspberry at you while she runs away.
• Invoked Trope: While corrupting the king, Lilith decided to set the public against his right-hand man, too, by setting him up as an Evil Chancellor after the king's eventual demise.
• Let's You and Him Fight: Her Evil Plan in a nutshell: She'll start a Civil War in the Kingdom of Eclipse, then set all of the other kingdoms against each other, make it look like Ha-Satan is trying to take over the world, and then swoop in to defeat Chakravartin and Daddy Dearest while they're both weakened.
• Manipulative Bastard: In Savage Worlds, attributes and skills are measured by die types, which a character rolls trying to achieve a 4 or better to succeed, with a d4 being "minimal training," a d6 being average, and going through d8, d10, and d12, which is the normal Cap for playable characters. Lilith's persuasion skill is a d12+2.
• Master of Disguise: She can look like anyone, though she prefers to use this ability to remain unmemorable more often than trying to take someone else's place, due to certain stresses involved.
• Multiversal Conqueror: Ruling over Earth isn't her end goal anymore. She wants both Heaven AND Hell to worship her, and her alone!
• Nominal Importance: As a Wild Card, Lilith is automatically provided with the typical lightweight Plot Armor normally afforded to a Player Character, making her far harder to kill and far more likely to succeed at anything she tries.
• Non-Action Big Bad: Lilith is tough enough to fight the heroes directly precisely up until the point where they have consistent access to Cold Iron or magical weapons. At that point and beyond, she isn't getting anywhere near them.
• Our Demons Are Different: In this setting, demons are intimidating, but usually quite kind when they're not testing humanity, aside from Lilith herself and her minions. They are immune to poison and disease, are quicker to recover from being shaken, and take half-damage from non-magical weapons that aren't made of Cold Iron.
• Overshadowed by Awesome: Lilith is a very threatening opponent compared to most monsters, and even a good few of the weakest demons can't quite beat her, but a skilled warrior could vanquish her in a one-versus one confrontation, hence why she stays hidden.

• Prongs of Poseidon: She wields a trident that belongs to her father, Ha-Satan, which she favors for its long range and increased defensive utility.
• Reconstruction: ...Of Lilith as an evil figure. Many portrayals have framed Lilith as a misunderstood character and a Feminist icon due to refusing to be submissive to men, which was demonized in the original story. In this version, Lilith goes far beyond simply demanding equality and is obsessive about dominating everything.
• The Sociopath: Lilith does not give half a Klondike bar about the well-being of her loyal servants, or her father, or humanity, or anyone else, really, but she won't let you know that until it's far too late.
• Straw Feminist: Lilith is angry about being shut down by "the Man," constantly does what she can to be more "masculine," cares about nobody but herself, wants to be taken seriously while hiding behind her big, burly minions... Yeah...
  • This contrasts with the witches, who run their own businesses and go on adventures as they please, never feel the need to hide behind anyone else or refuse to wear a dress, and get taken completely seriously by the populace in their work as herbalists and healers.
• Super-Toughness: All demons take half-damage from normal attacks. This takes Lilith's effective Toughness score from a slightly above-average 6 to a 12, equal to an ogre wearing hide armor.
• Villain: Exit, Stage Left: That teleportation ring is going to get some lovely reactions, I'll bet.
• Villain with Good Publicity: Both the King and the Resistance consider her to be their best friend, thanks to some handy disguises, Ha-Satan flat-out calls her his "darling little princess," having been fooled into thinking she was just immature at the start and she's learned better during her time as a spy in the great war, and her Legions of Hell believe in her assertion that Ha-Satan has gone soft on them and that they need to win the war now, thinking of her as a far more intelligent and charismatic person than the crusty old goat that is her father.
• You Fight Like a Cow: She frequently peppers her fighting with insults, shows of force, and other forms of distraction in order to catch her opponent off-guard before attempting to skewer them. This can actually leave a character Shaken in combat.

edited 3rd Dec '17 3:21:00 PM by NoSpoilerz

An interesting take on Lilith. I'm not familiar with the table-top game you refer to (or most of them at all really) but you made it irrelevant with your explanations that's good. While Lilith is completely unlikable due to her entitlement, selfishness and cruelty she also comes off as intriguing simply because she is the type of antagonist that always keeps the heroes on edge and never really letting them feel comfortable with their victory even if they have just won. It always feels like that victory could be a ruse or just the opening salvo to a larger plan.

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace

Thanks, man! I appreciate your input!

I wasn't interested in a sympathetic villain because, when you give a bunch of players who can barely decide what kind of pizza they want to order a character who might or might deserve to die and the choice of whether or not to axe them off, you've just spent the rest of the evening you could have spent on a nice Dénouement watching five people scream at each other through mouthfuls of inoffensive cheese pizza. (exception: Wendigo, from earlier, was a scenario where bringing her back alive was a clear Golden Ending, no arguments about it.)

Besides, might as well go all the way if you're going to make a horrible villain. I can have some fun with it!

...Oh, and I'd highly recommend Savage Worlds. It works for just about any genre, and it plays on rules that make it faster to learn, play, and prepare for than something like Dungeons & Dragons.

It has a nice Two-Fisted Tales feel to it, as opposed to D&D's High Fantasy style. You'll never have the issue of a goblin with a rusty dagger stabbing a high level character repeatedly in the throat for Scratch Damage until it eventually kills him. Attacks either manage to hurt you or they don't, and if you aren't a Kaiju being poked with a short sword or just flat-out Nigh-Invulnerable, they can always hurt you.

Here's mine.

Name: King Morgan

Age: Somewhere around three centuries, haven't done the math yet. Biologically he's 31.

Personality: Bitter, cynical, favorite color is blue.

Abilities: He's a wizard. It's a Harry Potter kind of magic, only a little more lovecraftian. His spell of choice is a spell that makes people go ax-crazy, which he made himself. Also he's immortal and can't die unless he kills himself.

Weaknesses: He can't bring himself to directly hurt anyone. Has panic attacks over moral dilemmas. Has a selective memory.

Goals: He wants to end the life of a man by the name of Edward Sutherland.

Motivation: Revenge. Role in story: The big bad. Also a foil to the main character.

Backstory: Pretty much his entirely family had to be put down because of what Edward Sutherland did. This put him on the throne at the age of twelve. At first he had no goals of revenge, he wanted to be the bigger man in the situation and forgive and move on with his life and focus on being a good king, but societal expectations put the idea into his head that it was his duty to kill Edward Sutherland and now he feels its the only reason he exists.

Relevant tropes: Obliviously evil, and black and white insanity, and would hurt a child, among others.

edited 30th Nov '17 3:51:36 AM by ScotieRw

Apparently this version of Hyde looks like a Jojo's character. According to people who have seen that anime and I guess understand it.

To answer your question, there are some short stories planned which are written in the perspective of the Umbral Horde, making them Villain Protagonists of such stories.

I definitely appreciate what you're saying of how well rounded they are, and how good the snarking is.

Trust me when I say I put in all the effort I can into both sides of the story. If I could ask, what impression did you get from each of the members of the Umbral Horde?