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The Main Cast
The Professor
The Professor
Played by: Shane Madej
Welcome one and all to Puppet History!
Our Beloved Host, a small puppet with a love of history.- Ambiguously Evil: It's hard to say exactly if he is. The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular has God saying that the Professor is genuinely not a good puppet and is bringing inanimate objects to life with little regard for the repercussions and the audience to his funeral buys into it. However, the Oars are of the belief that the aforementioned action doesn't necessarily make him evil, thus putting into question who is right, if at all.
- Ambiguously Human: Considering the effects of his jellybeans, it's entirely possible that the Professor may have been human at one point.
- Amnesiac Hero: Implied. When Ryan asks him whether he has a family (or used to have a family), he looks genuinely haunted by the question and says that he doesn't know.
- An echoing voiceover of a young child asking "Papa" for a jellybean suggests that he did have a family at some point, though it's unclear whether the child's voice belongs to The Professor himself or a son that he has forgotten about.
- Back from the Dead: At the beginning of Season 5; it’s left deliberately unclear exactly HOW. Turns out to be something of a Double Subversion: the Season 5 host is an imposter, but the real Professor is still Back from the Dead.
- Berserk Button: People not taking his lessons seriously, though he's able to keep it under wraps.
- He also doesn't care for people referring to him as if he were Shane, or comparing him to any of the Muppets.
- Milking jokes for too long is one of the quickest ways to try his patience.
- Genies. He'll even on occasion turn a question into a 50/50 shot because one of the three options will be a long angry tirade against a hypothetical Genie that has been ruining his life.
- Catchphrase: His is the spiel that opens every episode.
- The Professor: Welcome one and all to Puppet History! Today we'll be taking an ever-winding look at YET ANOTHER CHAPTER in the heavy, heavy book we call history while our guests ruthlessly compete for the coveted title of History Master! I am obviously your beloved host, The Professor! Ryan Bergara, are you ready?... ... Special Guest (guest name here), are you ready?... ... Then let's crack in!
- Character Development: Throughout most of the four seasons he often disregard or berate Ryan when he doesn't take his lessons seriously, as he always never give Ryan a trophy even if he has more history points than the special guest of the day. In "America's First Black Aviatrix", his adoptive parents give him some understanding comments of the reason behind Ryan's behavior to him, making him to consider to forgive him. He does so when he reunites with Ryan in the season's final episode.
- Cool Teacher: He tries to be, but sometimes when the topics veer into things he doesn't get, like sports, he falls flat.
- Creepy Good: He's a genuinely nice person whose only real desire is to teach people about history. That being said he says some pretty messed up things and raises spiders as livestock.
- Demonic Possession: A victim of this in the Season 4 episode "The Demonic Possession of Loudun" as its purpose is to rescind his previous wishes and to get him killed.
- Dreadful Musician: He finally steps up to the plate and sings in The Story of St. Nicholas after the musical guest for the evening refuses to. Predictably for someone whose main focus is the lecture part of the show and not the song, he's awful at it. Ironically, his evil hologram replacement is a much better singer than he is.
- Ziryab: The World's First Rock Star shows that this only extends to singing. He's actually pretty good at the guitar.
- It's completely subverted by the season 5 finale where he sings an emotional song when the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs is about to hit.
- Fish out of Temporal Water: The Genie and Satan send the Professor to the Cretaceous Period in an attempt to kill him. It worked, albeit briefly as the Professor Came Back From The Dead and Ryan wished him to be brought back to the present.
- Happily Adopted: When trapped in the Cretaceous Period, he's taken in by two (puppet-fied) dinosaurs who raise him as their son. Despite missing Ryan and his own time, The Professor quickly grows to love his dinosaur parents, happily referring to himself as their son and telling them all about history and his various adventures.
- Hypocrite: He condemns consumerism in the Hatshepsut episode, but is happy to shill out his own merchandise. He at least acknowledges it as Dirty Business since he needs to keep the theater solvent.
- Innocently Insensitive: In the first episode of Season Four, after the show started being able to film in person again, he remarked that he forgot how big Ryan and Kate are in comparison to him. Ryan remarked that he's never been called big before... and Kate laughs and says she has, and she doesn't like it. The Professor immediately apologizes.
- Interspecies Adoption: After his rebirth in Season 5, the Professor is taken in by Dinosir and Dinosara, a pterodactyl and t-rex respectively and treats the ordeal as Happily Adopted.
- Jerkass to One: Incredibly downplayed. The Professor does view Ryan as a friend and also snarks at the guest's expense, but he blatantly rigs the history showoffs against Ryan and is more sarcastic toward him. While he's stuck in the Cretaceous Period, he has a Heel Realization about this.
- Killed Off for Real: Played for Laughs. After getting eaten by a dinosaur at the end of Season 4, the Professor is referred to as “canonically dead FYI”. However, this is ultimately subverted in season 5 when it's revealed he survived getting eaten and was passed out as an egg which later hatched.
- The Nicknamer: He wound up coining the nickname "Beef Boy" for Ryan when he needed to tell him apart from another Ryan.
- Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: He and Ryan are a more amicable version of this than most. The Genie on the other hand...
- Sweet Tooth: His Trademark Favorite Food is jellybeans.
- Time Machine: It's implied that something in his possession was enchanted by a Genie to be one of these, but it hasn't been made clear just what that item is. Yet.
- The season three finale implies that it's his satchel, or at least an unseen object inside his satchel.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Jellybeans, which he keeps a considerable amount of around and hands out as prizes. He's also particularly fond of spiders as a source of protein.
- Vague Age: Due to being a puppet, it's not exactly clear how old The Professor is. He's old enough to have graduated from a university and possibly old enough to consider retirement, but it just hasn't been made clear. His Time Travel and later rebirth in Season 5 further muddy things.
- The Virus: The tyrannosaurs that ate him was transformed into a puppet herself after doing so, as was her pteranodon mate mid coitus.
- Wholesome Crossdresser: For the 1904 Olympics episode, he dresses up in a feminine gymnast's outfit, saying that he likes to express himself freely through his wardrobe.
- Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: As seen in the Kate Warne episode, he is very afraid of cats.
- Except for Sara Rubin's cat in 3.01, whom he calls "a real handsome fella".
Ryan Bergara
Ryan Bergara
Appears in: All Episodes
I can't believe I'm normalized already to talking to this blue creature.
The Professor's most persistent and difficult student.- Actually Pretty Funny: Ryan often appears bored or annoyed during the musical numbers and fully admits he isn't fond of them, but the odd moment within one can get a snicker out of him, such as when the Beast of Gevaudan reveals himself to be a cartoony wolf puppet in a beret or when the horse in "The Great Molasses Flood" starts singing about hoping his wife's dead so he can be with her in the afterlife in his duet with God. In an especially notable instance of this, when trying to suck up to the Professor in Season 4, he forces himself to fake amusement. Yet when the Emu interrupts the Baby Wheat's Sickeningly Sweet song with a peppy track of their own, he's genuinely delighted and consistently bouncing along.
- Berserk Button: He hates seeing The Professor hand out what he sees as "undeserved" history points.
- Character Development: Come Season 5, he's a lot more emotionally numb due to The Professor's death in Season 4, having come to regret it due to being duped by The Genie and The Devil. He spends a good chunk of the first episode with a Thousand-Yard Stare and much more muted, nervous reactions to the happenings in the theater. He's also looking into reports of The Professor's fossilized remains and an auction for what seems to be The Genie's lamp, implying that he's now got his own scheme. After Concupiscence ties him up and plans to kill him, he looses his previous demeanor and becomes determined to bring back the Professor. He even puts up a fight against Concupiscence for the lamp to bring the Professor to the present day. It works, and he is very delighted to see the Professor again as they apologize to each other.
- Deadpan Snarker: Once he's resigned himself to losing, he tends to retreat into this sort of behavior.
- The Dog Bites Back: Ryan finally gets one-up on the Professor after losing every show in a game rigged against him by making a deal with the Genie behind the Professor's back and winning a Coveted Cup, but clearly regrets his decision when he is informed that the Professor died as a result of it.
- Easily Forgiven: Zig-Zagged. Ryan is forgiven by the Professor at the start of season five for supposedly killing him, even if the Professor continues to rib him about it and Ryan understandably doubts the sincerity. This is subverted when Connie reveals his true colors as an imposter and wants to murder Ryan, although the actual Professor had long since forgiven Ryan when they reunite after having some time to himself to dwell on it.
- Embarrassing Nickname: He accepted the nickname "Beef Man" to avoid being referred to as "Arby's", only for it to mutate quickly into "Beef Boy," which he hates just as much. Naturally, "Beef Boy" sticks and the Professor keeps using it long after the episode in which it originated.
- Everyone Has Standards: Despite his sardonic attitude during the lectures, he can't bring himself to snark when something extremely tragic occurs.
- Explain, Explain... Oh, Crap!: After Connie reveals his Evil Plan and says he needs to skin Ryan to be able to rub the Genie's lamp, Ryan says that he can't because he was outbid for it online. He then realizes who outbid him, with Connie mockingly rewarding him with a history point.
- Failure Is the Only Option: While it didn't necessarily start out this way, it's now a running joke that Ryan never wins the History Master cup, either due to the Professor's (increasingly transparent) machinations and/or the guest happening to get the most points. Finally subverted in the Season 5 premiere, when Ryan finally wins... which (of course, what would you expect?) means that he is in terrible danger.
- My God, What Have I Done?: Less than a minute after he learns that Satan lied about The Professor surviving the Genie's plan, he clearly regrets selling him out to claim the Coveted Cup.
- Not So Above It All: Despite his role as the Straight Man, sometimes he can't help but indulge in the goofier side of things.
- Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: "Class dismissed, you little blue ball sack." *proceeds to throw the Replacement out the Example Window*
- Straight Man: His dry personality in the first season causes him to fall into this role often. Come the second season, he's acting more antagonistic towards The Professor and this trait is downplayed.
The Guests
Kate Peterman
Kate Peterman
Appears In: Stealing The World's Most Expensive Necklace, How America's First Female Detective Saved Abe Lincoln, The Story of St. Nicholas, The War of the Golden Stool, The Great Emu War, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
The second guest on the show, later a recurring guest who shows up once or twice a season to defend her title.- All Girls Like Ponies: Says in her first appearance that she was and still is very into horses, which makes a "HORSE GIRL ALERT" flash on the screen.
- Brainy Brunette: Has won the Coveted Cup of the History Master multiple times.
- Cute and Psycho: Her first suggestion for a gift the Professor can give to Saint Nicholas is to be his friend. Her second suggestion is the Professor's firstborn child.The Professor: Jesus Christ, Kate.
- Cuteness Proximity: Nearly bursts into tears at the sheer adorable appearance of the Wheat.
- Genki Girl: She is vocally enthusiastic and game for whatever the Professor throws at her and Ryan.
- Locked Out of the Loop: In "The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular", she's blissfully unaware that the Professor is canonically dead, and thinks she's recording a message for his birthday party.
- One of the Boys: Dips into the well of Toilet Humor almost more often than Ryan.The Professor: Ah, Kate, you fit right in here.
- The Stoner: Admits in her third appearance that she’s “gotten a lot more into weed than the last time we hung out.”
The Musical Guests
Death
Death
Appears In: Life During The Black Death Pandemic, The Great Molasses Flood, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Tell ya what I think, it sure is fun/To make people die/You should see how friggin' funny you look/When the lights go out of your eyes!
The Grim Reaper himself, performing his song "Plague Days (Y.O.D.O.)".- Affably Evil: He's genuinely nice; it's just he's you know, Death.
- Dem Bones: Downplayed, since the black bits are implied to also be part of his body, but his skeleton is front and center.
- Nightmare Fetishist: He honestly found everything about the Black Plague, from the catastrophic casualties to the fact that pigs were eating corpses, "a hoot".
- Nothing Personal: Despite his cheerful nostalgia for one of the worst pandemics in history, he makes it clear in his song that he didn't have any malice in his actions.
- Punch-Clock Villain: Reaping the dead is ultimately just a job to him and the Bubonic Plague netted him one hell of an overtime check.
- Surprisingly Creepy Moment: When he gets to the point in his song where he talks about how funny people look when they die, his eyes start glowing, everything becomes high contrast and the song slows down dramatically. It snaps back soon after.
- His cameo in The Great Molasses Flood counts, as he zips by right before the titular event kills the original musical guest.
The Pile of Diamonds
The Pile of Diamonds
Appears In: Stealing The World’s Most Expensive Necklace, The Dancing Plague, The Story of St. Nicholas, The Great Emu War, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Hey everyone!
The pile of diamonds pried from the 2,000,000 livre Diamond Necklace that was at the center of the Affair of the Diamond Necklace, singing his song "Pricy Ice". He returns in "The Story of St. Nicholas", singing "Love on a Shelf".- Catchphrase: By his own admission, "It's me, that big pile of diamonds!"
- Cold Ham: He never raises his voice much, but he devours the set like a champion.
- Conspicuous Consumption: His suggestion to the Professor for what to give as a gift and his gift-giving philosophy in general is go expensive.
- Cool Uncle: His song notes that he has nieces who were devastated when he was pilfered from the necklace.
- History with Celebrity: He's apparently pals with Drake, who he knows through his anklet sister-in-law.
- Porn Stache: He sports a rather prominent one to compliment his lounge singer persona.
- Warning Song: Pricy Ice, while touching on the singer himself, is also a cautionary song about getting catfished in the worst way.
- Who's Laughing Now?: He's not particularly fond of Marie Antoinette for not wanting him and calling him ugly, so he snidely remarks in his song that he's not the one who got their head chopped off.
The Propeller
The Propeller
Appears In: Surviving The Titanic: History's Luckiest Woman, The Terrifying Eruption of Mt. Vesuvius, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Well I’m a propeller, I ain’t a violent feller!
The Propeller of the HMS Britannic that was accidentally involved in turning a good deal of the people trying to escape its sinking into human flotsam. His song is "Propeller's Lament".- Blood-Splattered Innocents: His song alludes to the fact that he was used as an accidental giant blender for people and experiences a PTSD flashback mid song about the experience.
- Propeller: HOW'D THIS BLOOD GET ALL OVER ME?!
- Catchphrase: "Well I'm a Propeller, an awful X feller!"
- Mental Health Recovery Arc: Downplayed as he's only appeared twice, but the second time the Propeller shows up, his mental state has improved vastly due to channeling his creative talents and taking filmmaking courses on Skillshare.
- My God, What Have I Done?: His song is basically him expressing immense regret for accidentally killing several people.
- Shell-Shocked Veteran: The ship he belonged to (the Britannic) was a hospital ship during World War I, which was sunk by a German U-boat. He's also very clearly traumatized by and horrified at his accidental mulching of the Britannic's passengers, exhibiting symptoms of PTSD and saying the war ruined his life.
- Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: Commodore Charles "Iceberg Charlie" Bartlett, for putting him through the nightmare he went though.
- Turbine Blender: What he accidentally did to those unfortunate passengers.
God
God
Appears In: The Dancing Plague, The Great Molasses Flood, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!, How A Pope's Nepobaby Became One of the Worst Tyrants in History
I'm God, okay?
The capital "G" God of the Abrahamic religions, singing "Didn't Make 'em Dance". He also shows up at the end of season 3 to sing "Clip Clop Into The Light" with The Horse to ease him into the afterlife. Later, in Season 6, he pops in while the Pope’s Hat is singing to express his confusion and disappointment.- Cannot Tell a Lie: Or Cannot Sustain a Lie, because he gives up and admits that he did cause the Dancing Plague halfway through his song.
- Eldritch Abomination: Downplayed. He's bizarre to look at, but not mind-shattering.
- Everyone Has Standards: He pulled the plug on the Dancing Plague after people actually started dying from it. He also takes time out of his day to comfort the souls of the horses who died in the Great Molasses Flood and considers being bigoted a cause for damning a soul.
- Glad I Thought of It: He takes credit for basically everything that's ever been during his song except the Dancing Plague, at least until he can't keep up the lie any longer.
- The Gods Must Be Lazy: He states that despite being the creator of everything, he’s only "paid, like, 8 minutes of attention to Earth". In fact, he doesn’t even know who The Pope is.
- Informed Attractiveness: At least the Pile of Diamonds finds him attractive.
- Jerkass Gods: He created the Dancing Plague for a chuckle and before that tormented the people of Strasbourg for years by devastating their crops. He also caused The Great Molasses Flood, presumably just because he could.
- King of All Cosmos: A bizarre version of God that’s very much Played for Laughs.
- Never My Fault: He spends half of his song denying any fault in the Dancing Plague.
- Patter Song: His song consists of him talking very quickly over music.
- Pet the Dog: He keeps the puppets in a sort of purgatory until he and the Devil can figure out what to do about the whole situation, but he lets them do whatever they like in the meantime, even giving them resources to make their own shows and admitting to genuinely liking at least one of them. As far as purgatories go, that's not so bad.
The Train
The Train
Appears In: How America's First Female Detective Saved Abe Lincoln, José Rizal: The Philippines’ Reluctant Revolutionary, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
All abooooooard!
The train that was supposed to transport Abe Lincoln to Baltimore, at least until the secessionists tried to assassinate him. His song is "Chugga Chugga Boo Hoo".- Broken Tears: He breaks down crying over losing his one shot at a more exciting day in his life and gives up singing at the end of his song.
- The Bus Came Back: He returns to do the Puppet Pop-In for José Rizal: The Philippines’ Reluctant Revolutionary.
- The Eeyore: His job is so monotonous and boring that he's perpetually down.
- Hope Spot: The one time he got an exciting assignment, it got ruined by a secessionist assassination plot.
- Patriotic Fervor: He's enough of a patriot that the idea of hauling Abraham Lincoln to Baltimore was genuinely exciting for him.
- Recovered Addict: In his Puppet Pop-In, he claims to have been a very heavy drinker in college.
Mt. Vesuvius
Mt. Vesuvius
Appears In: The Terrifying Eruption of Mt. Vesuvius, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
- Apologetic Attacker: He accidentally destroyed a lot of the Italian countryside when he erupted, but he makes it clear in his song he's really sorry about it.
- Bread and Circuses: He tries to keep the song going even as it becomes very clear to him his eruption has annihilated Pompeii.
- Nothing Personal: He begs the people of Pompeii to believe that there's nothing personal about their destruction and it's all on accident.
- Potty Emergency: The Pompeii Circumstance is framed as a bowel movement gone horribly wrong, and Vesuvius himself admits that it could've been prevented with a lot of antacids.
Goose Mummy
Goose Mummy
Appears In: Hatshepsut: The Forgotten Pharaoh, The Story of St. Nicholas, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Hat-shep-sut!
One of the mummified geese buried in Hatshepsut's tomb who has quite a lot to say about the forgotten Pharaoh. Their song is "Hatshepsut". They return in "The Story of St. Nicholas", singing "Mummified Goose".- Ambiguous Gender: Ryan refers to them by female pronouns at one point, but they never confirm or deny if they're a guy or a girl.
- Cloudcuckoolander: When they show up to offer a song with advice to The Professor on what to get St. Nick, they're up against the Pile of Diamonds' Conspicuous Consumption and the Oars' sentimentality. What do they offer as a suggestion? Mummified Goose!
- Due to the Dead: Hatshepsut is all about this, imploring viewers to spare a thought to Hatshepsut so she can have her proper afterlife.
- Mummy: Clearly, but somewhat unique in being an animal instead of a person.
- Undying Loyalty: Quite literally since they're undead, but their loyalty to Hatshepsut shines through in their song.
The Olympic Torch
The Olympic Torch
Appears In: The Disastrous 1904 Olympic Marathon, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
YOU'D BETTER GET THAT FUCKING GOLD
The famous torch that carries the Olympic Flame to the Olympics. His song is "Choke For The Gold!"- Ax-Crazy: He demands that Olympic athletes break their bodies and sell their souls to win and frames the nightmarish happenings of the 1904 Olympic Marathon as just how far athletes are willing to go to bring home the gold.
- Competition Freak: He's pretty damn intense about the Olympics, with his hypothetical lengths for athletes to go to varying from dangerous to outright suicidal.
- Large Ham: He's the hammiest musical guest in the show so far.
- Man on Fire: As it turns out, being a living torch does not mean he doesn't feel the pain of being on fire. He takes a break mid song to curse whatever being gave him sentience. According to him, sleep is the only respite he gets.
- Patriotic Fervor: He encourages athletes to act this way, saying that they'd be a national disgrace if they don't win.
- Precision F-Strike: He's the first musical guest to outright drop "fuck" in their song.
- Torch: Would you scoop out both your eyes/just to win that fucking prize?
- Second Place Is for Losers: Outright says that there's no such thing as second place for a proper athlete, and that they'd be their country's disappointment for doing so.
The Coin
The Coin
Appears In: Isaac Newton's Nemesis, Mansa Musa: The Richest Man Who Ever Lived, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Every day/Bit by bit, whittle me down/Little pieces of me/All over this town
An old hand-struck silver coin with a talent for the blues, feeling down due to losing pieces of himself to forgery scammers. His song is "Pieces Of Me".- An Arm and a Leg: Or whatever the equivalent is for a being with no limbs, as pieces of him have been clipped off to be melted down and made into fake coins by scammers.
- The Bus Came Back: He returns to do the Puppet Pop-In for Mansa Musa: The Richest Man Who Ever Lived.
- Cool Shades: Sports a pair of snazzy sunglasses in his Puppet Pop-In cameo.
- The Eeyore: He's lost pieces of himself to forgery schemes and he's really down about it.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: His appearance and vocal style are seemingly an homage to Randy Newman.
- Penny Shaving: His current fate is a result of this.
- Throw the Dog a Bone: In Season 3, it’s revealed that he’s dating a human podiatrist and is genuinely happy, so things are looking up.
- Tragic Dream: Of the "achievable but inadvisable" variety. He's lost so many pieces of himself he hopes one day he'll be nothing but silver dust that can float up above the clouds before settling down to truly be "all over this town".
- The Woobie: It's really hard to not feel for the poor guy after you hear about everything he's been through.
The Oars
The Oars
Appears In: The World's Greatest/Rudest Samurai, The Story of St. Nicholas, America vs. Smallpox: How Vaccines Saved The Nation, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
We were in love once/Oar, weren’t we?
A pair of oars, one of whom was whittled into a sword by Miyamoto Musashi. Their song is "Gore On The Shore". They return in "The Story of St. Nicholas", singing "Either Oar". One of them does an ad-read in "America vs. Smallpox: How Vaccines Saved The Nation".- The Big Damn Kiss: Their song almost averted this, but they wound up going for it. Then they went a little further.
- Blood Knight: The sword-oar says in the two's first duet that he's taken to the desire "to slash and to swoosh and dismember". He seems pretty mellow when he's with his partner in their subsequent appearances, but the Professor nonetheless sees fit to distinguish between the two by referring to the latter as "the chill oar".
- The Generic Guy: The non-sword oar describes himself as "just a regular guy who happens to be an oar" and says he doesn't have any of the wacky gimmicks of other characters on the show.
- Pungeon Master: Despite the melancholic, pining nature of their song, they also go out of their way to replace every use of "or" with "oar".
- Right Through the Wall: After their song "Gore On The Shore", you can hear them scraping against each other offscreen.
- Sickening Sweethearts: They're absolutely tooth-rottingly in love with each other as of their second appearance.
- Star-Crossed Lovers: Their song is all about how Musashi turning one of them into a sword made them part of two different worlds.
- Walking the Earth: As of The Story of St. Nicholas, they've been on a grand romantic tour of the world. The one place they've been purposefully avoiding is St. Peterburg.
- Will They or Won't They?: Their entire song is an example of this. They do.
Policarpa's Spool
Policarpa's Spool
Appears In: Policarpa: The Revolutionary Teen Spy, The Bloody Revenge of Saint Olga of Kiev, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Snitch on the rich!
The spool Policarpa used while undercover as a seamstress. His song is "Snitch on the Rich".- The Bus Came Back: He returns to do the ad read for "The Bloody Revenge of Saint Olga of Kiev".
- Eat the Rich: It's not clear if he means it figuratively or literally, but he alludes to the term multiple times in his song.
- La Résistance: He not only approves of the idea, but encourages it.
- Paranoia Fuel: He encourages invoking this on the upper class by spying on them.
- Torches and Pitchforks: He alludes to this as being the end result of people having had enough.
The Snowman
The Snowman
Appears In: The Grisly Journey of The Donner Party, The Bloody Revenge of Saint Olga of Kiev, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
(unpleasant bone sounds)
A snowman that was made on the shores of Donner Lake, with everything that implies. His song is "Snow Bones About It".- Belly Mouth: His mouth is on his stomach instead of on his head.
- Body Horror: He's full of bones and viscera from the dead members of the Donner party, though the only parts you can see are the bones that make up his arms as well as his eyes and teeth.
- The Bus Came Back: He presents the question in the Puppet Pop-In for "The Bloody Revenge of Saint Olga of Kiev".
- Creepy Good: He's a genuinely nice guy, it's just what he's full of is horrifying.
- Dissonant Serenity: He switches from talking about veggie-trays to the Horse 'being condemned to Hell' with no change in inflection.
- Humanoid Abomination: He's a snowman full of gore and bones and his mouth is not where it should be.
- Lyrical Dissonance: His song's a cheerful song about being a snowman. Oh, and also the fact that he's full of gore.
- Mix-and-Match Man: He has mismatched eyes, an extension of him containing an indiscriminate mélange of various people's remains.
- Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant: He's completely unaware of how heinous his existence is since he has no idea where the guts and bones he's full of came from. According to his song, he sure thinks they're magical, though!
- Voice of the Legion: His voice gets a reverb effect when he calls for the audience to "chatter with me!"
The Beast of Gévaudan
The Beast of Gévaudan
Appears In: The Beast of Gevaudan, Ziryab: The World's First Rock Star, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
FRENCH HEADS!
The infamous wolf that (allegedly) terrorized the French countryside for roughly over three years in the 1760s, slaughtering dozens in the fields. His song is "French Heads".- Ambiguous Situation: It's not clear in real life if the Beast was actually a wolf, multiple wolves, or some other creature like a lion or a hyena. The idea is even floated in-episode that it might have been a Serial Killer using lack of oversight and the idea of beast attacks as a cover.
- French Cuisine Is Haughty: Invoked; he mentions several French dishes at the beginning of his song and talks about the "local delicacy" in southern France (the heads of young shepherds) like a typical snooty gourmet.
- French Jerk: He wears a beret, has a mustache, and sings with a slight French accent, and revels in killing and eating his victims, something he shows no regret for.
- I Am What I Am: His song makes it clear that he's aware he's a murderous, people-eating beast... and he doesn't care.
- Beast: Go on and shame me/Ah, but you made me/it's what ya get/when you're hangin' with a wolf/in the quiet low valleys/of the ecotone
- Lyrical Dissonance: "French Heads" is an energetic 70s/80s Euro-Ska song in the style of bands like Madness, with a touch of Talking Heads thrown in with the vocal style... about killing and eating terrified French youths.
- Savage Wolves: Though the actual species of the Beast of Gévaudan is unknown, he’s portrayed as a wolf here, which is the most common hypothesis for what it was. And he’s certainly savage, on account of being a man-eating monster.
- To Serve Man: Not only is he openly fond of eating people, he sings about it in a way that makes him sound like a foodie.
- Vegetarian Carnivore: When promoting Bright Cellars, a service that sells wine based on one's taste in food, The Professor asks what he pairs with that wine, expecting him to say "people". He then says he doesn't eat people anymore and has gone vegan, so he eats a lot of "eggplants and stuff".
The Golden Stool
The Golden Stool
Appears In: The War of the Golden Stool, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
A STOOL OF GOLD
The sacred Golden Stool of the Ashanti people, passed down from ruler to ruler. His song is, unsurprisingly, "A Stool of Gold".- Eye Beams: During the trippier parts of his song, he shoots a laser light display out of his eyes.
- Gold-Colored Superiority: As the most important relic of the Ashanti people's culture, hell yes.
- Large Ham: He devours the scenery during his song, despite only having one lyric.
- Limited Lyrics Song: His song literally only has one lyric "A stool of gold" sang with different stresses on the words and different lengths. The trippy visuals and the delivery make it avoid Stylistic Suck like The Professor and Santa's song.
- Mundane Made Awesome: His song is literally just about him being a golden stool with supposed supernatural powers. He makes it work.
- One-Word Vocabulary: Is apperently physically incapable of saying anything other than the phrase "A stool of gold".
Ziryab's Oud
Ziryab's Oud
Appears In: Ziryab: The World's First Rock Star, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
It's a good song.
The Oud
of Ziryab, potentially history's first "rock star". Much like his owner would've done, he's used a… questionable method to write his song, "Elroy Squirt III".- Borrowing the Beatles: His personality and voice are meant to invoke The Beatles.
- Disco Dan: The furthest he's advanced his music past the 9th century is to the time of The Beatles. He also hasn't updated his songwriting style at all.
- Intoxication Ensues: How he wrote his song, getting drunk and getting a woman to memorize what he saw in his dream, much like his owner Ziryab.
- Small Name, Big Ego: He's convinced that his song is the greatest song that anyone's ever heard, clearly unaware that music has advanced since Ziryab's time.
- True Art Is Incomprehensible: Absolutely nothing about his song's story makes sense, given it's a retelling of an acid trip of an intoxicated dream. He's also convinced it's high art.
The Bye Bye Brothers
The Bye Bye Brothers
Appears In: The Affair of the Poisons, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
We're the Bye Bye Brothers and we came to say, If anybody asks you didn't see us here today!
A pair of murderous bottles of poison and perhaps the least moral musical guests ever on the show. Whether the Professor wants them there or not, they perform their song "Bye Bye Juice".- Alliterative Name: The Bye Bye Brothers. Likely meant to invoke their inspiration, Beastie Boys.
- Arms Dealers: A combination of this and Professional Killers. They advertise their services providing poisons to kill their client's enemies, but since they're also living poison vials they're also technically hitmen too.
- Ax-Crazy: They gleefully encourage cold-blooded murder.
- Disproportionate Retribution: And how... if your dentist is advising you to cut back on sugary treats, assassinate him for criticizing you!
- The Most Wanted: Their rap makes it very clear that the police are actively looking for them given their murderous nature, with multiple warrants out on them.
- Murder Is the Best Solution: Their suggestion on how to handle anything from serious problems to petty grudges? "POISON THEIR ASS!"
- Poisonous Person: By nature of being living flasks of poison.
- Rattling Off Legal: In the middle of their song a disclaimer zooms by to make it very clear the Puppet History theater does not approve of their message.
- Shout-Out: Their lyrical style of Call-and-Respond rap evokes Beastie Boys.
The Boat
The Boat
Appears In: Ching Shih: The Pirate Queen, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
She's gotta be what she's gotta be.
The Flower Boat that Ching Shih worked on before she was abducted by Cheng I to be his wife, singing a song titled "Ching Shih".- Big Fun: By virtue of being a decent sized floating bar. His song on the other hand shows that he's hurting inside over missing Ching Shih.
- City Slicker: By his own admission, he's only good for "city livin'" and wouldn't be able to make it in a life of piracy.
- I Want My Beloved to Be Happy: He clearly has some wistful memories of Ching Shih, but understands that in the end a life of piracy was the one for her.
- Real Men Wear Pink: He's covered in flowers and sings an emotional power ballad.
The Horse
The Horse
Appears In: The Great Molasses Flood, Mansa Musa: The Richest Man Who Ever Lived, José Rizal: The Philippines’ Reluctant Revolutionary, The Bloody Revenge of Saint Olga of Kiev, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
- Bait-and-Switch: His ska song he'd been hyping up the whole season lasts about a minute before he dies and the actual song becomes a jazzy piece about moving on after dying.
- The Bus Came Back: Throughout Season 4, he cameos in various Puppet Pop-In segments. He ended up stuck in Hell and attempted to warn The Professor about Ryan's pact with Satan and The Genie.
- Covered in Gunge: Post-mortem, he's absolutely covered in molasses, and it drips off of him as the song goes on.
- Cruel and Unusual Death: He died suffocated in literal tons of molasses.
- Early-Bird Cameo: He appears in several ad-spots throughout Season 3 to hype up his appearance in the finale.
- Happily Married: One of the things he's torn up about after dying is leaving behind his wife, at least until he learns that she probably died in the flood too.
- Inelegant Blubbering: He's understandably upset at having died and spends a good chunk of time in God's presence sobbing.
- Killed Off for Real: He's explicitly stated to have died during his performance.
- Tempting Fate: His last line before the accident that kills him is "I'm gonna live forever!"
- He also claims in one of his Early Bird Cameos that his song is going to "slay". He was right, just not in the way he thought he was.
- Together in Death: The revelation that his wife and family are all probably dead too snaps him out of his funk, allowing him to accept his death and move on since he'll be moving on with them instead of ahead of them.
- Walking Spoiler: It's kind of hard to discuss the guy without bringing up the fact that he dies a couple verses into his song.
- Wide-Eyed Idealist: During his song he's whimsically recounting what his life is like and how awesome it is. He loses this when he dies right up until God lets him know that all the people he'd miss are likely all dead too.
- Yank the Dog's Chain: After dying in extreme pain, the Horse arrives in Heaven and is comforted by God… but Season 4 reveals, for trampling a family of mice, he’s been sent to Hell.
Wheat
Wheat
Appears In: The Great Emu War, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Ain't I sweet?
A piece of hilariously twee wheat from an Australian field, singing Six Feet Down Under. The first thirty seconds at least.- Eaten Alive: The Emu eats him alive less than a minute into the song and takes over.
- Stylistic Suck: His lyrics are uninspired and cutesy, focusing more on the "awww" factor than anything else. Mostly because he's a Bait-and-Switch for the real singer.
The Emu
The Emu
Appears In: The Great Emu War, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
- Big Eater: The entire cause of the "Emu War" was he and a horde of other emus finding the Australian farmers' wheat to be a feast they couldn't possibly pass up.
- Boisterous Bruiser: He refuses to back down from his feast of wheat, even under threat of death.
- Bring It: Part of Six Feet Down Under involves him daring humans to kill him and his fellow emus before boasting that it still won't stop them from eating their fill.
- Patriotic Fervor: His song turns Wheat's cutesy song into a bombastic war propaganda song.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Wheat, much like every other Emu from the "Emu War".
- Worthless Yellow Rocks: Calls the farmers' wheat "worthless", either indicating this trope or referencing the government's refusal to fix prices during the Depression.
A Fraction of Mansa Musa's Fortune
A Fraction of Mansa Musa's Fortune
Appears In: Mansa Musa: The Richest Man Who Ever Lived, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
- Brutal Honesty: He admits flat out at the beginning of his song that he lacks a brain and his advice might not exactly be reliable.
- Money Dumb: He has no idea how money works and so promotes unhealthy grind mindsets and never being content with what you have.
- Rich in Dollars, Poor in Sense: The entire point of his song is about how it's easy to overcome sorrow in life as long as you're the richest man in the world. He actually has no idea how to do that, just that you should.
Scabs n' Pus
Scabs n' Pus
Appears In: America vs. Smallpox: How Vaccines Saved The Nation, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Scabs n' Pus!
A living glob of pus and his buddy, Scabs in a Walnut. They sing You Got The Pox!- Brutal Honesty: Nice guys they may be, but they're not exactly mincing words with the subject of their song about how fucked they are statistically.
- Creepy Good: They're again, a living glob of pus and a walnut filled with scabs that have formed into a gory skull. They're also dead-set on trying to help people with Smallpox make it through.
- Nice Guys: They're genuinely helpful and polite, just also disgusting.
Book
Book
Appears In: José Rizal: The Philippines’ Reluctant Revolutionary, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
You'll never grooow... Just knowin' whatcha already know.
One of the many, many books penned by José Rizal, singing Read, Please!- Bookworm: His song is encouraging the listener to go become one to expand their knowledge and grow.
- "Reading Is Cool" Aesop: The whole gist of his song.
- Tranquil Fury: By the end of his song, it's pretty clear he's steamed about how his author met his undeserved end.
- The World Is Just Awesome: He very much enjoys learning the little facts about the world and encourages the audience to go out and learn more about it through reading.
Birch Trees
Two Birch Trees
Appears In: The Bloody Revenge of Saint Olga of Kiev, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
She'll catch you when you're unaware/Pour acid down your underwear/And laugh because she's Joker-fied that way!
The twin birch trees that Olga of Kiev's husband Igor was split in half with. They sing OLGA! as a cautionary tale about how that was a bit of a bad idea.- Bloody Hilarious: Igor's remains are still strung up between them, but because his bisected body is represented with a pipe cleaner puppet it looks goofy rather than horrifying.
- Karma Houdini: By their own admission, given how everyone and everything involved in Igor's death met a brutal end by Olga's revenge the trees are amazed that she never chopped them down.
- To the Pain: A good chunk of the song is them listing off various horrible things Olga could do to the listener should they cross her.
- Villain Song: Of the "sung by someone else" variant. Their entire song is a fearful tale of Olga's brutal, bloody revenge for her husband's death, cautioning the listener to never cross her.
Asmodeus
Asmodeus
Appears In: The Demonic Possessions of Loudun
- Demonic Possession: An easy feat for a powerful demon like him. Just ask the Professor.
- The Dragon: According to his song, he's Satan's. It's also Five-Second Foreshadowing to what his true role in the show is.
- Knight of Cerebus: After his song he suddenly possesses the Professor and reveals himself to be in league with The Genie.
- Multiple Head Case: He's got three, all with different shapes. They speak in unison.
- Large and in Charge: He's easily the biggest puppet in the show, almost not fitting in the theater.
- Punch-Clock Villain: He only possess the Professor on orders from Satan and treats the whole affair as a one-n-done job, leaving once he's finished.
- Villain Song: His song is about Demonic Possession and the fact that he's, in his own words: "Goddamn Odious".
- Walking Spoiler: It's kind of hard to discuss him without bringing up the fact that he's part of a conspiracy to murder the Professor.
The Hippo
The Hippo
Appears In: How Hippo Meat Almost Saved America, The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon
Well, I'm juicy and all yours/This water puppy's beggin' you on all fours!
A hippo who's on board with the plan to import hippos to America and use them to stabilize the meat market...maybe a little too on board.- Casual Kink: He's... a little too into the idea of being eaten, to the point where he winds up making Ryan uncomfortable.
- Consuming Passion: His song is about wanting to be cooked up and served as a dish, but sounds an awful lot like a sultry Intercourse with You song. He calls himself a "sexy piece of ass" at one point, and at another point, promises he “won’t tell your wife”. And then there's all the Double Entendre present in the song...
- Edible Theme Clothing: Wears a hamburger bun with lettuce as a hat.
- Huggy, Huggy Hippos: A cheerful, friendly hippo. Subverted upon the reveal that he's just a disguise for the Replacement, who is decidedly not as friendly.
- Let's Meet the Meat: Of the "Eat Me" variant. Desperately wants to be eaten, and spends the whole song begging Ryan and Sarah to do so.
Window
Window
Appears In: The Defenestrations of Prague, The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon
Tell your god it's time to meet/Come on Prague, it's time to yeet!
A stained glass window who's supportive of the defenestrations taking place in Prague.- Destination Defenestration: His song's all about it and Prague's love affair with the technique for dealing with religious politicians.
- More Teeth than the Osmond Family: His mouth gives off the appearance of being a maw of fangs due to being made of shattered glass.
- Special Guest: An in-universe stand-out example; Brian is shocked that the show managed to book Window, claiming that he's "super busy these days," and holds up a sign during his performance that says he's the number one Window stan. This turns out to be Foreshadowing that the Window who shows up in the show isn't the actual Window; it's just one of the Replacement's disguises.
Infinitiger
The Infinitiger
Appears In: The Vietnamese Sisters Who Fought An Empire, The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon
INFINITIGER RIP
A supposedly invincible white tiger killed by Trung Trac, furious about his defeat at her hands.- Failure Is the Only Option: The history point opportunity for killing him is shown to be so impossible that it's likely it was.
- Great White Feline: A deific white tiger who was believed to be invincible and reigned for a thousand years.
- Third Eye: He has one on his forehead to call attention to his supernatural nature.
- Weaksauce Weakness: Subverted. He's allergic to Kale but it's a very mild one, so Maya's attempt to exploit it just leads to failure.
The Cloud
The Cloud
Appears In: America's First Black Aviatrix, The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon
- Blush Sticker: Has a pink one on each side of his face, despite being a cloud.
- Fantastic Racism: He indirectly indulges in this by indirectly implying he thinks living on the ground is a lesser form of living.
- Surprisingly Creepy Moment: He saw the JFK assassination and knows who did it, but he's not telling. Given what he turns out to be, he's probably lying.
- Yandere: He comes off as really really obsessed with more people flying, to the point of being creepy about it.
The Meteor
The Meteor
Appears In The Dreadful Demise of the Dinosaurs
Hello there, nice to meet 'cha. I'm, uh, a rock.
The Meteor that hit the Yucatan Peninsula in the Cretaceous Period, killing most of life on Earth. One of the only guest singers who arrived on his own rather than being invited by the Professor.- Face Death with Dignity: By the end of his song, he's seemingly come to terms with his fate, and is says that if he has to stop anywhere in the universe, Earth is a wonderful place to do it.
- Innocent Inaccurate: Thinks that the screams of terror and rage as he approaches Earth are just people being excited that he's finally arrived.
- Non-Malicious Monster: Has absolutely no animosity towards the Earth or anything living on it; if anything, he's awed by its beauty and hopes that he won't be too much of a nuisance to it. Unfortunately, as the Professor is aware, his collision with it will cause one of the largest mass extinction events in history.
- Not Afraid to Die: Subverted; he at first tries to say that the thought of what will happen when he reaches the end of his journey and collides with something just makes him 'a little nervous', but quickly admits that he's actually completely terrified.
Instrument Prototype 73
Instrument Prototype 73
Appears In The Unkillable Weirdo Who Invented The Saxophone
OH BABY, I SOUND BAD!
A musical instrument invented by Adolphe Sax that was scrapped due to his horrible, cacophonic sound.- Bizarre Instrument: He has tubes and valves all over the place, and the sound he makes is... odd, to put it nicely.
- Brown Note: Hearing him play caused one woman to throw up into someone else's lap.
- Dreadful Musician: His entire song revolves around how awful he sounds. He compares his "singing" voice to "a cow with hemorrhoids attempting to poop". In fact, when he was first played for an audience, the audience hated it so much that they threw him into a river.
- Flawed Prototype: He's a prototype for a new musical instrument that sounded so terrible that he was scrapped.
- Sensory Abuse: We get to hear the sounds he makes midway through his song, and they are just as bad as he claims.
- Suckiness Is Painful: He states the noise he emits will make you beg for death.
The Dragon
The Dragon
Appears In The Concubine Who Killed Her Way To The Throne
We had sex on a booooooaaaat!
A mythical dragon who had a fling with Lady Yang and fathered Wu Zetian.- All of the Other Reindeer: The other dragons judge him because he wants to please his lover and not fuck her like an animal would.
- Daddy Had a Good Reason for Abandoning You: Played for Laughs- He never contacted his daughter after knocking up her mom because he couldn't fit inside her house.
- Human Mom, Non-Human Dad: The non-human dad to Lady Yang's human mom.
- Interspecies Romance: He prefers the company of humans to other dragons.
- Our Dragons Are Different: A classic Chinese dragon.
- Parental Love Song: While his song is initially about that time he had sex with Lady Yang on a boat, it transitions into becoming a song about his daughter Wu Zetian and how proud he is of her.
- So Proud of You: He's incredibly proud of his daughter for ascending to the throne and taking down anyone in her way.
Cupid
Cupid
Appears In The Scandalous Life of France's Bisexual Opera Icon
I’m tired and I need a break, won’t you settle down for Cupid’s sake?
The Roman god who uses his arrows to make people fall in love.- Cupid's Arrow: As he states himself: "I spot a match I think is cute, pull my arrow back, and let 'er loose!" Unfortnately, he can't control how long these relationships end up lasting.
- Famed In-Story: The Professor is impressed that they could get "a big celebrity like him" on the show.
- Love God: The Trope Codifier, who machinates the romantic feelings between people.
- Master Archer: He has perfect aim, and never misses his target.
- The Matchmaker: Sets up potential couples with each other using his arrows. However, he becomes aggravated with Julie D’Aubigny and her revolving door of lovers, wanting her to just settle down with one person so he can relax. He comes to be impressed with her sexual appetite, though.
- Matchmaker Failure: His entire song is about this, with all the relationships he tries to set up for Julie ending with her dumping them when she gets bored and running away.
- Putto: Goes with the typical modern "flying toddler" design of Cupid, rather than the older Greek and Roman depictions where he’s an adult man.
A Pope’s Hat
A Pope’s Hat
Appears In How a Pope's Nepobaby Became One of the Worst Tyrants in History
Baby, there ain’t no life that’s quite as dope/As the one you could be leading as the goddamn pope!
A jewel-encrusted hat on a dead pope’s skull, who espouses the benefits of being The Pope.- Corrupt Church: Says Popes can get away with anything and lord their power over anyone they want.
- Dirty Old Monk: Even though Catholic clergymen are supposed to be celibate, he states that when you’re the Pope, you can have sex with whoever you want because, well, who’s gonna question the guy with a direct line to God?
- False Prophet: He claims to grant his wearer the ability to talk to God whenever he wants. Apparently, God himself says that he doesn’t even know what popes are, so his "communication with God" is all fake.
- Hat of Authority: One of the most famous Real Life examples (the tall hat that the Pope wears) espousing the benefits of being in charge.
- Living Hat: A living Pope hat.
- Screw the Rules, I Make Them!: His entire song revolves around how when you’re the Pope, you can break any religious doctrine you like, because you rule over the church and supposedly have a direct line to God.
Other Characters
Santa Claus
Santa Claus
Appears In: The Story of St. Nicholas, The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!
Season's greetings child!
The Patron Saint of Children himself, Saint Nicholas. The Professor booked him for the show, but he's not quite in the best of moods...- Ax-Crazy: He implied that he killed the butcher who murdered and pickled the children he resurrected in one of the stories of the miracles he performed and a slip of the tongue has him imply he killed them in the first place.
- Composite Character: Of a sort. He's the remains of a Saint who may or may not have existed filling the role of the folklore figure he inspired.
- Dem Bones: He's quite literally a pile of Saint Nicholas' bones with a beard and Santa hat.
- The Grinch: He refuses to sing at first because he's understandably upset at being a pile of decomposing bones. After the Professor sings to him, he shifts his tone and acknowledges he was being this, even name dropping the Trope Namer.
- Magnum Opus Dissonance: St. Nicholas was revered for a good many miracles, acts of charity and goodwill to his fellow man, but all he really wants to talk about once he starts singing is how he resurrected three boys that a mad butcher had killed and pickled.
- Necromancer: Even if by holy miracle, he did resurrect three boys who had been long dead and, based on their appearance during his guest appearance, they Came Back Wrong. He goes so far as to muse that maybe he shouldn't have tampered with the realm of death.
- Piss-Take Rap: Once he actually starts singing, it turns out he's even worse than The Professor despite being the highest-profile guest the show's ever had. His song brings up the things everyone knows about Christmas and Santa in the first couple sentences before shifting into nothing but praising himself for saving "the pickle boys". It even has the infamous "My name is X and I'm here to say" line.
The Devil
Satan
Appears In: America vs. Smallpox: How Vaccines Saved The Nation, The Demonic Possessions of Loudun, The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon
The Devil first appears in the Puppet Pop-In! of America vs. Smallpox: How Vaccines Saved The Nation, where he mentions that one of his minions will appear in the Season 4 finale.- Amazing Technicolor Population: He has red skin.
- Back for the Finale: He returns for the Season 4 finale, as part of the conspiracy to murder the Professor.
- Big Red Devil: Obviously.
- Early-Bird Cameo: He first made a brief appearance in the season 3 episode "The Affair of the Poisons" when discussing the satanic rituals some people were practicing at the time.
- Evil Counterpart: Presumably to God. Though, considering how God acts…
- Horned Humanoid: As befitting The Devil.
- Red and Black and Evil All Over: He’s got red skin and black clothing, and he is The Devil.
- Red Herring: It's hinted throughout Season 5 that he's the fake Professor, but it turns out he auditioned between seasons and was terrible at the job and so didn't get the callback. The real truth is far more bizarre.
The Genie
The Genie
Appears In: The Grisly Journey of The Donner Party, The Great Molasses Flood, The Demonic Possessions of Loudun, The Dreadful Demise of the Dinosaurs
Played By: Shane Madej
Ho hooooo!~
A genie who The Professor met and made a wish to prior to the series starting. He's a prick.- The Bad Guy Wins: He manages to deal with The Professor in the season 4 finale by using Asmodeus to make him take his wishes back and send him to the cretaceous period, as well as turning all the puppets back into ordinary animals and objects.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: The Professor word-for-word states this is the end result of getting a wish from him, due to him being a prick.
- Been There, Shaped History: As part of chasing the Professor through time. In particular, apparently used his magic to effortlessly clean up the damage from the Boston Molasses Flood of 1919 in exhange for the citizens of Boston handing over the Professor, though he narrowly escaped.
- Early-Bird Cameo: He makes several vocal appearances throughout the second season before making a physical appearance in a flashback during the finale.
- Evil Debt Collector: According to The Professor's rants, apparently The Genie insists that The Professor "owes him" and intends to collect. Downplayed in that The Professor allegedly already paid the debt off, The Genie's just being a dick.
- Hero Antagonist: Possibly. The season 3 finale seems to indicate that the reason he's going after the professor is to stop his time traveling as it causes creatures and objects to turn to puppets.
- Jackass Genie: He granted The Professor's wish for an item to allow him to time-travel, but apparently that wish caused him to be a total prick about it. As of the season 3 finale, this may actually be subverted. He seems to just be upset by the Professor screwing up history and turning people into puppets.
- Swung back around in the season 4 finale, where he orchestrates a plan to get Ryan to weaken the Professor allowing Asmodeus to possess him. The twist is that he neglected to tell Ryan part of the plan was murdering the Professor.
- He also falls into this for the season 5 finale, where he absolutely succeeded in saving The Professor and his Dinosaur parents from the mass-extinction event, but lies and tells Ryan he failed for no reason other than to fuck with him.
- Large and in Charge: Every shot of the guy makes him seem enormous. though it turns out that he's only so in comparison to The Professor. His first true "physical" appearance in Season 5 shows that he's a full head shorter than Ryan with an appropriately puny body.
- Living Macguffin: In addition to being responsible for the Professor's time travelling abilities in the backstory, Season 5 has his lamp being sought by both Ryan and the Replacement to make use of his powers, for different reasons.
- Paranoia Fuel: Any mention of him is often accompanied by smug spectral laughter, implying he's watching.
- Punch-Clock Villain: Seems to consider his feud with the Professor settled after removing his time travelling powers and sending him to the Cretaceous Period. In the Season 5 finale, when Ryan wishes the Professor back to the modern day, the Genie does so with no (apparent) objections, other than briefly trolling Ryan that it didn't work.
- Sealed Evil in a Can: Twice! His lamp was stashed in a cave so small that only a puppet-creature like The Professor could reach it, not because he's particularly dangerous but because he's just a total jackass.
- Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: The Professor hates him, and as shown by his scene in the Season 3 finale, it's very mutual.
- Soft-Spoken Sadist: In contrast to the Professor's bombastic nature, the Genie speaks in a low, intimidating whisper.
- Wild Card: He seems to grant the wish of anyone who has his lamp, even if they seem to clash with his previous actions, as despite his previous animosity with the Professor, he still brings him back when Ryan wishes it.
The Substitute (Unmarked spoilers)
Concupiscence “Connie” McNasty
Appears In: The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!, How Hippo Meat Almost Saved America, The Defenestrations of Prague, The Vietnamese Sisters Who Fought An Empire, America’s First Black Aviatrix, The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon, The Dreadful Demise of the Dinosaurs
I'm gonna make one hell of a me out of the pieces of you!
- A.I. Is a Crapshoot: He was designed to make purgatory better for the puppets, but he quickly goes insane out of a desire to gain a corporeal form once on Earth. Even worse, his plans after becoming corporeal involve using the Genie to give himself a soul, turn all food in the world into jelly beans, and turn all living beings on Earth into puppets.
- Arc Villain: The penultimate episode of Season 5 reveals him as the season's big villain.
- Ascended Extra: He’s initially a minor character in The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular! (so minor that it wasn't even clear at first if he was sapient). In Season 5, he takes over as host of the show.
- Ax-Crazy: Technically his planned killing of Ryan would serve a further (if selfish) purpose, but he's so ecstatic about doing it that he bursts into song.
- Become a Real Boy: He is motivated to skin Ryan so he can properly touch and feel things, more specifically, the lamp.
- Berserk Button: He both Hates Being Touched and snarls and hisses whenever someone mentions his mysterious box. Considering what he is, it would ruin his masquerade.
- Canon Character All Along: All the Season 5 musical guests? Yeah, they were just him in disguise. It applies to him too since it turns out he's the hologram from The Puppet History Holiday Spectacular!.
- Cute and Psycho: He keeps mentioning how adorable and small he is, juxtaposed with the fact he is saying this within context of how cute he'd look while skinning Ryan alive.
- Dark Reprise: The Reveal comes along with him performing a twisted version of The Professor's Catchphrase.Concupiscense: Welcome one person to your demise! Today we're taking an ever-winding look at how RYAN BERGARA is going to die, so I can inhabit his flesh! Leeeet's crack in!
- Destination Defenestration: After Ryan and the Professor reunite in the Season 5 finale, Concupiscence tries to go for one final attack, but Ryan throws him out the same window he repeatedly mentioned in the ''Defenestrations of Prague'' episode.
- Dreadful Musician: Subverted. He's actually an excellent singer, which would have been the biggest hint towards his nature as an imposter if it hadn't come after The Reveal.
- Electronic Speech Impediment: Mostly averted, but comes out in full force once he stops pretending to be the actual Professor in episode 5, with his lines (and song!) overlaid by electronic echoes and stutters.
- Even Evil Has Standards: He might be a murderous hologram trying to make a skinsuit out of Ryan, but even he's disgusted by the racism Bessie Coleman faced during her career and makes a point of tearing into one particularly insulting article written after her death during America's First Black Aviatrix.
- Evil Counterpart: Even at his most malevolent, the real Professor would never deliberately harm Ryan. Concupiscence will gleefully sing about killing him.
- Faux Affably Evil: He shares much of the Professor's enthusiastic personality and refers to Ryan as a friend, but once he reveals his true motivation, he shows that he's also gleefully murderous and takes on a more mocking tone.
- Given Name Reveal: In The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon, we finally learn his name.
- Grand Theft Me: His ultimate plan is to kill Ryan and inhabit his flesh. Notably it's Ryan's organic nature he covets and not his identity, in a twist on the trope.
- It's Personal: Some of his dialogue indicates that he holds a grudge against Ryan for getting the real Professor killed.
- Jerkass: In addition to being a murderous imposter, he's also an Ungrateful Bastard when he calls the other puppets stupid for choosing to bring him back to Earth.
- Kick the Dog: He insults all the puppets still stuck in purgatory after they chose him to send back to Earth to bring themselves back.
- Large Ham: The largest in the show so far, particularly after revealing his true nature.
- Laughing Mad: Descends into this by his final episode, spending his entire attempt to murder Ryan cackling loudly, interspersed by unintelligible gibbering made worse by his Electronic Speech Impediment.
- Meaningful Name: His name begins with “Con”. Fitting, since he spends most of his screentime pretending to be someone else.
- Projected Man: He’s a living hologram. This also applies to his "guest" disguises.
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: He’s got red eyes, and you better take warning.
- Smug Snake: Once he's got Ryan tied up he's 100% sure nothing can save the Beef Boy to the point where he gets sloppy. This leads to him even leaving the ether-infused vape lying around, which Ryan uses to slow him down during their fight.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Just like the real Professor, he loves jellybeans. One of the reasons he wants to become corporeal is so he can actually eat them. He also plans to use the Genie to wish that all food in the world be changed into jellybeans.
- Villain Song: He gets a rather graphic one in The Bloody Life of England’s Fastest Surgeon. It's all about how he wants to skin and wear Ryan.
- Walking Spoiler: It’s hard to discuss him since his mere existence spoils that the Professor dies at the end of Season 4 and The Reveal of Season 5.
The Parents (Unmarked spoilers)
Dinosir & Dinosara
Played By: Garrett Watts (Dinosir) & Joyce Louis-Jean (Dinosara)
Appear In: The Vietnamese Sisters Who Fought An Empire, America's First Black Aviatrix, The Dreadful Demise of the Dinosaurs
What isn't fair is that I spent so much of my dumb dinosaur life not having a wonderful little blue son.note
A couple consisting of a pterosaur and a tyrannosaurus - the very one who devours the Professor as a result of Asmodeus wishing him away to the Cretaceous Period at the end of Season 4. When our beloved host finds himself reborn afterwards through an egg laid by Dinosara, he likewise finds himself with two brand-new loving, if eccentric, reptilian parents.- All There in the Manual: They haven't been named on-screen, with their names instead coming from the subtitles.
- Black Comedy Cannibalism: In an aside at one point in "The Dreadful Demise of the Dinosaurs", Dinosir suggests to Dinosara that they have a pterodactyl for dinner. When the Professor points out with uncertain amusement that he is a pterodactyl, he casually returns that "We're cannibals; it's fine!"
- Fish out of Temporal Water: Ryan's wish to save the Professor from the Cretaceous Period results in the two being brought with him.
- Good Parents: Despite their eccentricities, they're both very understanding and kind parents to The Professor, immediately accepting him and loving him with all their hearts.
- Happily Married: Or whatever the dinosaur equivalent is. They're quick to praise and declare their love for each other, and they respond with pride to compliments on the health of their relationship.
- Interspecies Romance: They are of very conspicuously different species, pterosaurs not even technically qualifying alongside T-Rexes as dinosaurs. They also used to be in a polyamorous throuple with an unspecified invertebrate.
- Lovable Sex Maniac: Dinosara. She's implied to have been in a sexual relationship with Dinosir before their conversion into puppets, talks about sex candidly all the time and her first action upon reaching the future with her husband and son is casually hitting on Ryan. The Professor even calls her his "horny mom" while they were waiting for the meteor that killed the dinosaurs to strike. She's also a wonderful mother who comforts The Professor when it looks like they're all about to die.
- Obsessed with Food: Much of their commentary is related to food, and they can be easily distracted when it's brought up. When the Professor talks about the horrific ways the dinosaurs who experienced the asteroid impact died, they are only focused on how much food so much carnage would leave them with at first, but they do stop once the lesson goes on and the severity of the situation becomes more clear to them.
- Walking Spoiler: Discussing them almost inherently requires the context of the Professor's actual ultimate fate post-"The Demonic Possessions of Loudun".
The Horse's Wife
Melvin's before-mentioned wife, who survived the Great Molasses Flood. She mainly appears in the Season 5 mid-episode promotions, having sought out some of the products to ease the pain of losing her beloved husband.
- Tertiary Sexual Characteristics: Her puppet is the exact same as Melvin's, but she has lipstick instead.
