Villain Critique Thread (Because Its About Damn Time!)

He was deemed too much of a threat by the antagonist. If Herrick decided to join the protagonist, he would be screwed. He was too strong and keeping him around would mess up the power balance of my story. After all, the protagonist and the antagonist had to join forces just to beat him, and even then it was a hard battle.

Now then, the ubiquitous evil force from the still unnamed "Golden Sword story"

• Name: The Pariahs

• Age: They have been a plague upon the continent of Mareaubia for over 235 years. Individually, they are immortal unless slain by violence.

• Appearance: Pariahs come in different shapes and sizes, though certain features are universal. All Pariahs possess strange lattice-like flesh, and are bright crimson red in color. Writhing tentacles and multiple pairs of muscular arms ending in clawed hands are used to grasp and kill prey. All possess more than one mouth; some have heads devoid of features except rows of gnashing teeth, while others spout lamprey-like openings all across their bodies. Some Pariahs are vaguely humanoid while others have forms more resembling giant worms, insects or cephalopods. All of them tower well above mortals; the smallest Pariahs measure over 28 feet tall. When starved for Essence, their bodies become blurred and indistinct and their color fades.

• Personality: Pariahs are mostly mindless monsters, showing no signs of intelligence or emotion other than a ceaseless hunger for Essence. Because Essence exists in all living things, Pariahs ravage the world around them, draining the land itself until they have rendered it barren. Only then will they move on to another fertile spot, repeating the process again and again. They crave the Essence of mortals—particularly sentient mortals—more than anything, and if one is nearby, they will relentlessly pursue until killed or obstructed. Despite usually being unintelligent beasts, a single Pariah will sometimes begin to devour others around it for unknown reasons. This results in a gradual fusion, creating an entity known as a Union Project. Union Projects possess great intelligence, strength, and an ability to command lesser Pariahs. These leaders will invariably lead their armies towards the domed kingdoms to feast on the mortals sheltered beneath.

• Abilities: Pariahs can tear through stone, steel and wood like mere paper. Their size lends them an immediate advantage when dealing with mortals; fleeing prey is easily caught, and any damage inflicted on them is lessened by the sheer length and width of their bodies. Despite having mouths, Pariahs can drain the Essence from their prey merely by making contact—grass and trees wither at a simple touch and bodies rot long before they reach their predator's teeth. Though some are more heavily armored than others, all Pariahs have naturally tough outer skin, which can only be penetrated by artillery fire or the great-swords of the Black Knights. Even wounded, they are quickly able to regenerate their injuries, though this depends heavily on the individual and the wound in question. Their numbers are seemingly endless, preventing any mission to exterminate them from having a chance of succeeding. Despite voracious feeding on Essence, they don't actually need it to survive, and will simply go dormant if none is readily available.
  • Union Projects possess all of these traits, coupled with shrewd intelligence. They can dominate the minds—such as they are—of other Pariahs and force them into defined attack formations, and each is equipped with their own unique powers.

• Weaknesses: The Essence-draining abilities of Pariahs are useless against anyone wearing armor that contains a shard from the remains of a Hero's crystallized body. Similarly, their hardened skin and regenerative abilities cannot keep up with the damage inflicted by the Golden Sword and its current wielder. Weapons touched by the Hero have a similar, if lesser, effect. Because they are mostly mindless, Pariahs are easy to deceive by using bait and luring them into traps. When a Union Project is destroyed, a temporary instinct to flee will overcome the Pariahs. They will scatter away from the spot where their leader fell, no matter how many tasty mortals are nearby.

• Goals: To devour the Essence of every living thing on Mareaubia until nothing is left alive.

• Motivation: Unknown. Common dogma holds that they were created by the Deep God, the evil twin of the High God to destroy the High's children—mortals—due to jealousy that his twin was ignoring him in favor of spending time with the fledgling world. However, since they can be created from mortals, this is called into question.

• Role in the Story: The "unquestionably evil" faction of the story. They are the force around which the conflict revolves. Later revealed to be tools of a much larger conspiracy, and perhaps victims themselves.

• Backstory:

No one is sure where the Pariahs came from, or how they arrived; only chaotic stories depict their arrival. Two centuries before the current events of the story, Mareaubia was ruled over by a powerful civilization known as the Ruskis Pact—a powerful alliance between a collection of human kingdoms and the underground dwarven kingdom of Tenug-Under-The-Earth. The Pact's military might struck fear into the marauding bands of goblins and served to keep peace between the warring elven clans. At the same time, cities under Pact control were architectural marvels, and hubs of culture. Crime was prevalent in these places, but so was the harsh response to any wrongdoing. Toward the end of this idealized "Golden Age", war broke out within the dwarven half of the Pact when the King's two sons could not agree over who would rule their father's holdings. All of Tenug-Under-The-Earth was dragged into it, and eventually communication with the underground empire was lost.

Two years into the conflict, hordes of terrified dwarven refugees began pouring from Tenug-Under-The-Earth's exits to the surface. They were nearly mad with terror and refused to return to their homeland, or even name the horror that had driven them to the usually-disdained surface. While some fiendish new weapon of dwarven ingenuity was suspected as the culprit, soon the refugees began to include soldiers rather than simply women and children. Unrest and fear spread through the Pact, already weakened by the loss of its other half.

The Pariahs invaded with no warning.

The above-ground entrances were destroyed as the monsters burst from the earth, slaughtering the refugees and anyone else nearby. No one knew what they were, only that these were the things driving the dwarves from their underground kingdom. The human kingdoms banded together, but their armies were routed and slaughtered, many without even managing to bring down even one. The horde was endless and it seemed that they would never stop pouring out from the ground.

The mortal races tried to join together, but years of division stood between them and a meaningful alliance. It seemed that all would be destroyed before long. It was then that a warrior named Samuel Landry appeared to the rulers of the surviving civilizations. He bore a strange, decaying broadsword with a golden hilt, and shocked the assembly by telling them that this was mortal-kind's last hope. He had received the blade, from his deity, the High God, and he came up with a plan—-the surviving dwarves would build large domes while mages would reinforce those structures with magic. They would be large enough to house whole countries. He would hold off the Pariahs in the years it would take to construct them.

Before anyone could agree or disagree, Landry impaled himself through the heart with the Golden Sword, transforming into a being that the mortals would come to know all too well.

• Relevant Tropes:

• 0% Approval Rating: Everyone hates them, and with good reason. In fact, the conflict between the Black Knights and the rest of the Crusader Order is based on just what method to use against them. The idea of negotiation or anything less than extermination never comes up.

• Agony Beam: Being drained of Essence by a Pariah is described as a pain greater than any known to mortal man, coupled with a nightmarish feeling of violation and despair that swamps the mind. While the draining itself ruins a person's body, this latter aspect often shatters their psyche. For a more traditional aspect of the trope, the Union Project Ren "Of the Ceaseless Scream" could stimulate the pain receptors throughout the bodies of its enemies, thus its namesake.

• Always Chaotic Evil

• Armor Is Useless: Played with. Armor by itself does nothing against the Essence-draining touch of a Pariah; armies of warriors clad in armor made by master smiths have been decimated in seconds after engaging the monsters in battle. On the other hand, armor that has even a single shard of a Hero's remains embedded in it somewhere extends protection against having your Essence absorbed. However, the stronger Pariahs can pull a person's Essence out with sufficient effort, and the fewer shards within the armor make it less effective.

• Awful Truth: After the final confrontation with Marlene Landry, several ugly facts come to light about the entire situation. The first is that they are mortals—or at the very least mortal souls that have been separated from their bodies and given semi-physical forms while their physical body slumbers. The Golden Sword that drives out the Incursions is enchanted to only do that—-it was never meant to do anything except keep the status-quo going strong. Worse still, Marlene's Pariah was created by the Sword, leaving a horrifying case for their first appearance during the dwarven war...

• Bigger Is Better: Pariahs tower over mortals; the smallest are usually the size of a two story house while the larger ones tend to be several stories tall. That, combined with their Collision Damage effect makes it a horrific disaster when even one appears within a populated area.

• Collision Damage: The moment a Pariah makes contact with a mortal it will begin siphoning their Essence from the victim's body and into their own, causing catastrophic damage to the body and mind of the unfortunate prey. Those sucessfully rescued from the clutches of a Pariah are never the same afterwards, their health declines and they often die only months after the assault. Worse still, their minds are always broken from the suffering they endured. Thus it is common for many to simply abandon snatched victims to their fates or perform a Mercy Kill.

• The Disembodied: Marlene's case sheds light on the process by which Pariahs are made. Her soul separated from her body when she impaled herself with the Golden Sword...whereupon it grew and distorted into a Pariah.

• Combat Tentacles: Many of them have masses of writhing tendrils somewhere on their bodies, used for capturing prey.

• Eldritch Abomination: They are hideous incomprehensible entities that burst forth from beneath the ground, toppled an empire and hunted mortals on Mareaubia to near-extinction within a few short years. They are impossible to communicate with or understand, and they don't even need the life-force they steal from people. Common belief is that they were created by a malevolent deity for the sole purpose of destroying the world. Later subverted—they are monstrous but not at all eldritch. Their origins are all-too-mortal.

• The End of the World as We Know It: Their arrival on Mareaubia destroyed the age of the Ruskis Pact and threw the mortal races into a nearly fatal downward spiral. It was only through the intervention of Samuel Landry that the people of Mareaubia were able to survive long enough to build the domes and recuperate as a whole.

• Eyes Do Not Belong There: Many have eyes placed at random locations, certainly few have eyes strictly located on their heads.

• Foreshadowing: The Pariahs provide an interesting window not only into their true nature, but into their origins by performing a single seemingly inconsequential action—they attack Marian, who is a "fragment" of the Deep God. If the Pariahs were created by the Deep God to destroy mortals, then why would they try to feed upon his "child"? Because they weren't created by the Deep God.

• Healing Factor: It varies between individuals, but Pariahs can mostly recover from their wounds—including missing limbs or digits—within a few minutes. Weapons touched by a Hero can slow this recovery down, sometimes making the injuries last for hours...but they always heal perfectly, unless killed.

• Make Them Rot: The process of having one's Essence drained by a Pariah causes the victims flesh to decay while they are still alive. Sometimes they corruption is "wet" and flesh will literally putrefy and drip off the bone while other times the tissues seem to dry out and desiccate.

• Multi-Armed and Dangerous: The more humanoid Pariahs have at least four arms on their bodies; two pairs. These are used for anything from battering down walls to grabbing people and crushing the life out of them while draining them dry.

• Nigh-Invulnerable: Their skin is hard enough to shatter poorly made swords and repels most bullets. It takes artillery shells or the swords of the Black Knights—which are essentially massive slabs of sharpened steel on sticks—to blast or cut their bodies. Worse still, some of them possess armor plating, making the job even harder.

• No Body Left Behind: Their bodies turn gray and dissipate like smoke when finally brought down. Strangely, when starved of Essence, they become grayish and unsubstantial but never show signs of fading completely.

• Villainous Glutton: Apart from Union Projects, they are driven solely by a mindless hunger and nothing else. They show no signs of moderation or even thought for what will happen when their prey is hunted to extinction, and "eat" with animal abandon.

• Walking Wasteland: Wherever the Pariahs invade, vegetation withers and dies while land animals flee and rivers become choked with dead fish. Whole areas have been devastated by the endless march of the Pariahs, causing many within the domed kingdoms to dub the outside world "Dead Mareaubia. Marlene's Pariah manifests this trope in an unusual way: its body was wreathed in the white fire of the Golden Sword. Combined with its size and movements, this set the land on fire for miles around it.

• Wound That Will Not Heal: Even being partially drained is a life-altering—and most likely life-ending—catastrophe. The rotting tissue never heals, and if the damage has spread too far, one will die. Even if one survives, they will never be as strong or vital as they once were, and are prone to disease and infections. Not to say anything of their mental state...

edited 27th Jan '16 9:36:00 PM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace

@Ikedatakeshi - I think I've only mentioned that in Hero CT when putting one of the gods on display, but gods don't have much in the way of powers down in the Beneath, so what they did to the First Men was roughly the equivalent of a cleaner shoving dust under the cupboard in hopes it won't crawl out. As for why they don't deal with them during the incursions, Skarah resulted in period roughly equivalent to nuclear winter^note Gods have two modes of operation: through squishy humans, or waaay OP, so they figure stopping a small pack of First Men is not worth setting mankind hundreds of years back in development as it happened the last time.

On your villain - I agree with Swordofknowledge in that he's Badass and awesome, and I must say I don't really see how ambition to get some land to himself and his men to retire in peace warrants and Enemy Mine situation. With how downright heroic Herrick is, I must admit it would be more satisfying to see him having Enemy Mine with the heroes.

@Swordofknowledge - wow, the Pariahs are certainly awesome magic kaijus, and great "old threat" for heroes to fight against. I also love the backstory you gave - the tale of humanity losing contact with dwarves only to see them run away from something unseen at first has a really horror movie-like atmosphere that fits perfectly with Pariahs' overall "feel". The Awful Truth has a suitable Wham potential, and the Pariahs on their own (especially Union Projects) are just freaking scary. So long story short - great.

edited 27th Jan '16 11:02:47 PM by Kakai

Rejoice!

It's because he is a mercenary. He works for money, not out of any heroic values. Since both my hero and antagonist both intend to conquer the continent, he is considered too strong to allow anybody else to gain his service. While the hero intended to find a way for him to join his side, Herrick already assumes that the antagonist was responsible for his daughter's death, thus the antagonist chooses to execute him as quickly as possible. Though he is heroic in his actions, he is still not a good person. He is listed as a villain because he once worked for villainous masters, and while he disagree with their actions, he did nothing out of consideration for his men's safety, and he has engaged in battle multiple times with the protagonist.

@Swordof Knowledge- I assume Samuel Landry was part of the conspiracy that ties in with the origins of the Pariahs. While it isn't a unique concept, it is still one that isn't widely used(Unlike monsters from the Earth, created by evil gods and aliens), and definitely has potential. The powers of the Pariah, while terrifying, still give the impression that they can be defeated, which is a plus since you don't want to build them up as invincible monsters. Please don't tell me someone will have the ability to turn into a Pariah freely to combat them, because that would be cliche.

Now, to introduce the generals from Cyrus, the main villain. These two are twins and rarely appear separately, so I will introduce them together.

Name: The twin pillars, Ryker and Eggthel Cenehard

Age: 32

Appearance: Though many assume they have the same appearance when they heard they were twins, they were quickly proven wrong. Since they are fraternal twins, they look pretty different. Eggthel is massive, standing at 7'6, while Ryker is 5'1. Eggthel is extremely buff, though just looks fat when wearing thick clothes. Ryker appear more lean and skinny, but also hides a pretty impressive physique. Eggthel is bald with thick eyebrows, while Ryker has long, flowing hair and a thick moustache.

Personality: Eggthel is the stoic and quiet one, while Ryker is rash and impulsive. Both of them are extremely loyal, willing to sacrifice themselves for their lord. Ryker is more hot-headed, prone to get into arguments with others, especially when they mock his height, while it is almost impossible to get Eggthel to talk when he isn't working. Ryker usually speaks for Eggthel, due to knowing each other so well, and is fiercely protective of the more slow-witted Eggthel, which Eggthel reciprocate when Ryker get himself in trouble.

Abilities: They are considered the best generals under Cyrus. Being the children of a famous general, they are educated in warfare since young. Their battle styles are completely different, with Eggthel focusing on taking hits and looking for an opportunity to counter attack, while Ryker likes to overwhelm his opponent with constant attacks, which corresponds with the tactics they use in warfare. Eggthel wears extremely bulky armor, with magically enhanced durability and a big mace. Ryker wears leather armor, and uses two falchions. Afterwards, when Cyrus wanted to convert his most loyal soldiers to demons to increase the power of his army, they were the first to volunteer. Eggthel becomes a 15 meter tall giant that is heavily armored, while Ryker gains wings whose feathers can be used as projectiles.

Weaknesses: Eggthel is extremely slow, a weakness that doesn't change even in his demon form. His armor is also less armored at the joints, which can be easily exploited by a faster opponent. Ryker lacks defense, and can be easily taken down by a direct hit. Eggthel's predictable fighting style can be countered easily, while Ryker's impulsive personality means he will charge at his enemy recklessly.

Goals: Help Cyrus with his plans to conquer the continent.

Motivations: To live up to the fame of their father and out of gratitude for Cyrus.

Role in Story: They serve as the muscle for Cyrus's army.

Backstory: Their father was an esteemed general that serve loyally to the king, who was the one who taught them the importance of loyalty. The two admired their father, and trained hard to live up to his legend. Unfortunately, their father was less adept in politics, which led to his execution along with his family. They managed to escape, but had nowhere to go. Cyrus, recognizing their talent, asked them to join him. He tells them about his plan to dispose of the current king and establish himself as ruler. Feeling betrayed by the king for ordering their family's execution, they agreed to work for Cyrus. Operating under fake names, they served Cyrus in secret until he successfully became king. Admiring Cyrus's ability, they continued to work under him.

Relevant Tropes:

Berserk Button: Threatening Cyrus or the other brother. For Ryker specifically, his height.

Beware the Quiet Ones: Eggthel. When one can smash through concrete with a single punch, you do not wish to be on the receiving end.

The Big Guy: Eggthel, in both height and width.

Mighty Glacier: Eggthel's agility and speed is basically non-existent.

Sibling Yin-Yang: The opposite of each other.

Super-Strength: Eggthel can throw a fully armored man 20 meters away with one hand.

The Stoic: Eggthel. Alongside The Quiet One.

Curb-Stomp Battle: On the receiving end by Herrick. Ryker was knocked out with one hit. Eggthel was literally thrown off the castle.

{{Attack! Attack! Attack!}}: Ryker's battle style.

Undying Loyalty

{{Achilles' Heel}}: There are gaps in Eggthel's armor.

The Juggernaut: Eggthel.

Morphic Resonance: There are still noticeable similarities when in demon form.

Nigh-Invulnerability: Eggthel's armor is near unbreakable. Even Herrick can't break it, which is why he chose to throw him off a building. Even then, he still survived, though unconscious.

No-Sell: If you don't target the gaps, he won't be affected by attack from any weapon. Even cannons.

Curb-Stomp Cushion: Ryker managed to hit once against Herrick.

Deadly Dodging: Ryker's agility allows him this.

Fragile Speedster: Ryker can't take a hit.

Feather Flechettes: Ryker. Along with Razor WIngs

Super Mode: Their demon form.

edited 28th Jan '16 3:27:23 AM by Ikedatakeshi

Ikedatakeshi - alright, I can understand this now. I'd still like to see him strike an alliance with the hero, but I get why it's the other way round.

...am I Draco In Leather Pantsing a character of an unwritten work? Maybe I am.

Regarding the twins: I must admit that name "Eggthel" kind of throws me off the "villain" track - sounds like cross between "egg" and "Ethel" - but that's just me. Apart from that - the Cenehards have a really great sibling dynamic going for them, and even if the Polar Opposite Twins is exploited to the max in their fighting styles and personalities, I personally like the trope, so I see no problem. Overall, they're good, though I think their desire to match their father's reputation could be underlined a bit more - perhaps in their demeanor or pressing for more high-profile actions? Focusing on slaying the heroes more than they probably should? Not certain.

---

From me, the Big Bad of the story. She's one of the Men Beneath I've posted above.

• Name: Huntress of Ishrii
• Age: roughly 3,200 years
• Appearance: She's bigger than humans, but with leaner frame. She has black, shoulder-long hair and grayish skin. Her face is always covered by a skull of some animal with ram's horns, with her black pits of eyes invisible unless one comes too close. She wears silver-and-rusty, blood-splattered carapace armour with small fire-serpent^note A heraldic animal, it looks like snake with its back drawn in shape of flame or storm waves markings all over it. Its skirt is made of dried human head skin. She wields akhuzeh, which looks like two-sided Blade On A Stick^note As in, a stick with a blade on each end.
• Personality: She's rather quiet and reserved, preferring to observe and listen rather than talk. She's calm, pragmatic and ruthlessly efficient in execution of her schemes, and doesn't give in to whims or boiling-over rage. She's extremely patient and an adept player of the Long Game. While she loathes humans and considers them inferior, she doesn't underestimate their combat capability, whether alone or in group. She revels in hunting and preying on the weaker, and prefers to fight her battles against people who aren't able to defend themselves, although she likes human hunts for giving her a thrill. While she doesn't refuse to play the betrayal game of the Beneath, she discourages it among her subordinates and rewards usefulness with protection.
• Abilities: With her experience, she's a close-combat monster, and her armour makes her really tough. She's an adept planner and has a head for connecting facts, she also knows a great deal of history and possibly-plot-important info. She has a large army of both thralls and First Men, who trust her and support her more than it's usual thanks to her policy of treating them.
• Weaknesses: While she's close to One-Woman Army, she's not it, and she has very little experience with guns and other weapons, which makes them a huge blind spot in her calculations. She's hardly beloved by other Lords, and even if she respects human combat prowess, she doesn't respect their intelligence, which comes back to bite her.
• Goals: To find and kill god Inandin so that his corpse can provide enough magic boost for the First Men to be able to break out of the Beneath and raid the human world for slaves and stock whenever they please.
• Motivation: Her hatred of gods and humans, as well as desire to regain at least part of First Men's glory from before Skarah.
• Role in the story: The Big Bad
• Backstory: Back when the First Men ruled over the Second Men, the Huntress was a mid-rank member of Ishrii clan, spending her days hunting humans for sport and taking part in First Men's gladiator games^note Have you heard about those supposed shows in ancient Rome where slaves were being eaten by lions? It was like this, only there was a First Man instead of a lion and humans had sticks to, uhm, put up an illusion of defence. During the Second Men's uprising, she led one of the armies running brutal repressions of slaves to put the rebellious ones down. After Skarah and the resulting civil war nearly wiped out the Ishrii, the Huntress threw away the name she used to have and spent several centuries as a sell-sword, killing in the wars of the Beneath and raiding the human realm for whoever paid her best. She got a reputation of not betraying her employers until her contract was over and so quickly amassed some wealth and her own personal force. After a while, she forgone the job of a mercenary and proved herself in a duel to obtain a status of a Lord, with her subordinates being her clan, the Ha'Ishriik^note lit. New Ishrii-folk. As years passed, a plan to return her kind to glory started to form in her head. It cristallized after capture and interrogation of an Inandilos^note Quick reminder from Hero CT: blessed servant of god Inandin, berserker. Unknowingly, all Inandiloi have the path to their god - who's lost in the Beneath - hard-coded into their minds, whenupon she realized that her plans could come to fruition if she found another one who'd live for long enough to provide her with information she needs. Since then, she had been building up her military power and influencing dozens of human death cults to find one sane enough for her purposes and have enough "push" to go through with her plans whether the others want it or not.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • 0% Approval Rating: Not among her own men, but other Lords hate her utterly for "stealing" men from their clans to create her own, and because of unusually-underhanded way she won her Lord-Maker duel^note See Trying To Catch Me Fighting Dirty for what this was about.
  • 24-Hour Armor: She's never seen without it.
  • A Father to His Men: While she's cold towards her men and doesn't shy away from throwing them into a meat-grinder, she'll never do this for her own amusement, and she doesn't murder them in fits of rage, for not meeting her expectations or simply to warn others, which practically makes her this trope in the Beneath.
  • Animal Motifs: Fire-serpent decorating her armour. Her fighting style is also called - when translated - "serpent-war"^note First Men's fighting styles are called "wars" the way we'd say "Fu", so it's serpent-war, iron-war, shield-war etc.
  • Aristocrats Are Evil: She was brutal in her prosecution of slaves and hunted and killed them for sport.
  • Armor and Magic Don't Mix: While she hires many warlocks, she doesn't have any magic herself, and no horns either.
  • Badass Princess: She's a princess of sorts, and she kicks ass at the frontlines.
  • Betrayal Insurance: She fully expects The Dragon to betray her, and has made plans for that. He knows it, too.
  • Big Bad: Yep.
  • Black Eyes of Evil: Her eyes are completely black, a mark of her old age.
  • Blade On A Stick: Her akhuzeh is a blade-on-each-end version.
  • Blood-Splattered Warrior: She only washes blood off the parts where it'd compromise its functionality. Everywhere else? It's like paint.
  • Designated Girl Fight: Guess whom she ends up fighting in the finale. Though to my defence, Tannya only joins in after Massim is taken down, and the two end up killing her together.
  • Four-Star Badass: As a Lord and commander of an ex-mercenary army.
  • Genre Savvy: She doesn't try to re-establish First Men's rule over humans, as she lived through what happened the last time something like this was attempted. She also respects humans because she figures that as underdogs, they might actually be better fighters than her, even if they're weaker.
  • Glory Days: She remembers the times when her kind ruled Terra Illuminata quite fondly.
  • God Guise: To various death cults she had her warlocks set up, she's an avatar of something divine.
  • Hunting the Most Dangerous Game: She loves hunting humans, though she's much more practical about it now than in her youth.
  • Impoverished Patrician: After Skarah and first round of civil wars, she was the last noble left of her clan.
  • Kill the God: Her plan is to find and murder god Inandin.
  • Long Game: She doesn't mind spending ages for her plan to unfold - in fact, she'd been hunting and waiting for the last part of it to fall into place for the last six centuries.
  • Malevolent Masked Men: She never remove her mask. After she's killed, Tannya resolves not to take it off, as her face would probably be a letdown anyway.
  • Motive Decay: Defied - even as a mercenary, she always pushed to become relevant enough to be able to pay mankind and gods back for Skarah.
  • Mysterious Watcher: Acts like this towards Massim and the Guerras for a while before making her move.
  • Never Live It Down: Other Oldborn Lords like to point out that she wasn't there where the Sixth Divine was slain. Might be part of how her current plan came to her mind.
  • One-Woman Army: The closest to one this story has. It takes two other almost-One Man Armies to take her down.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: Her name is lost to ages.
  • Really 700 Years Old: She's one of the Oldborn, the First Men who were born before Skarah.
  • Serrated Blade of Pain: The blades of her weapon are serrated.
  • She Is the King: The Lord being the only title for what passes for nobility in the Beneath, she's not a lady of any sort.
  • The Faceless: Her face behind the mask is never seen.
  • The Reliable One: Got this reputation both among her men and people who used to employ her - she won't betray you or feed you to proverbial wolves as long as she works for you or you work for her.
  • The Quiet One: She rarely speaks, preferring others to speak to her.
  • To Serve Man: She eats what she hunts.
  • Statuesque Stunner: While rather normal-sized for a First Man, she's still 2,2 m tall.
  • Suicidal Overconfidence: While she respects humans as fighters, she's never seen them in any manner other than as cattle/slaves, escaping prey or people frantically trying to stop her, so she doesn't respect their intelligence or tactical skills. She's also way too confident about the below trope.
  • Trying To Catch Me Fighting Dirty: She fights dirty. Even for "formal" duels, she coats akhuzeh's blades in hallucinogenic substance to confuse and weaken her enemies. Pity the god-blessed have built-in immunity against poison...
  • Undying Loyalty: By Beneath standards, the Ha'Ishriik have this for her, though humans probably wouldn't call it this way.
  • Visionary Villain: In the world full of Blood Knights and politickers, her aim is returning her kind to glory.
  • You Can't Thwart Stage One: She manages to pull the map to Inandin out of Massim's mind and gets a huge head-start over the heroes.

edited 28th Jan '16 10:26:32 AM by Kakai

Rejoice!

@ Kakai: I think I'm becoming a fan of your work; I like the explanations and cosmology of this world.

You've made a pretty good Big Bad in the Huntress, there. I think what I like the most about her is just how driven she is. She has a plan and she will not deviate from it, no matter what. Of course, most villains are like that—it's what makes Heel Face Turns so difficult—but I think what I'm trying to say is that I enjoy how the Huntress sticks to her principles and the ideals of her race, even if they are vile. One has to respect that. While the other First Men seem to have sunken into (deeper) depravity and degradation, becoming nothing more than barbarians, she has kept her understanding of what they once were, and will have it regardless of what the cost.

Her physical powers aren't lacking either; I can only imagine just how powerful one would be after training for millennia against others, not to mention her habit of poisoning her blades. I'm surprised that she and her minions managed to get Massim's information out of him, especially when I remember not only the savagery he and his ilk are capable of, but his natural and divinely-enforced hatred of the Men Beneath. Honestly he seemed like the type who would bite his own tongue off rather than speak to them of anything that would help.

About the Pariahs, I was honestly afraid of how to treat The Reveal, since it had the potential to be really jarring or just really a let down. And I'm glad you find them scary! Since I imagined the Golden Sword story to be a web-comic—-if I could ever find an artist of Unsounded's caliber to partner with—I try to make them as visually ugly as I could.

@ Ikedatakeshi: Well...Samuel Landry wasn't part of the conspiracy, but he knew all about it, and saw the futility of trying to stop it. Helping set up the domed kingdoms and the system with the Golden Sword and Heroes was his attempt at trying to preserve at least some semblance of life and peace in the world. And no...thankfully there isn't anyone who can turn into a Pariah at will—that'd be a little too Attack on Titan for me...especially since I imagine that the Pariahs combine the worst of the Titans, the Darkspawn, and the monsters from Pacific Rim. There is someone who has the power to fight them far more easily than others, but nothing like that. I'll put her in the Hero CT later.

edited 28th Jan '16 5:44:04 PM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace

Probably should add Wrong Genre Savvy to her tropes, considering she chose to underestimate what actually makes humans better than most beings, that we are more cunning and intelligent than we may appear. She is a solid character, and being smart enough to avoid most of their race personality flaws makes it her more threatening.

About the name, I aim to more realistic to an extent, so while it may be ridiculous as a real name, it doesn't give off an obvious villain vibe. Otherwise I would name him Typhous or something. After all, what parent would give them an obviously evil name? They are more enthusiastic compared to most, eager to gain more accomplishments and would often volunteer for more battles. After facing Herrick, they mellowed out such behavior, since they don't want to risk their lives needlessly.

Quick question, why is poison considered evil?

Thanks, everyone! Glad she came out fine.

@Swordofknowledge, Huntress' Dragon has Mind Rape powers. I'll explain in-depth when I'll put him here.

@hellomoto, it's not about poison, it's about it being hallucinations-inducing. The behaviour of person affected is quite... disgusting to watch, so it's like robbing the man already beaten of what remains of his dignity. Distasteful.

@Ikedatakeshi, you're right about Wrong Genre Savvy. As for your explanations, they make sense, and while I'm still unconvinced about Eggthel's name, it still beats something Obviously Evil.

edited 29th Jan '16 2:17:03 AM by Kakai

Rejoice!

I''' try to find a better name, but I'm just going with Eggthel for now.

If you remember Lorenz, this will be his brother, Leandre, that I mentioned on his entry. He isn't technically a villain, but I only intend to put the protagonist and his group on the hero critique thread, so this is the only place I can put it.

Name: Leandre Angus Liewellyn

Age: 29

Appearance: Leandre is a man standing 6'1", with wild amber blond hair, deep brown eyes and muscular build. Being the prince, he has to wear formal clothes, but is usually seen in his armor.

Personality: Extremely hot-blooded and boisterous, he seems to never run out of energy, even after fighting in numerous battles. He is a determined person, never giving up on a goal or break his promises. Enjoys wrestling, especially with opponents larger than himself, which are mostly bears. He seems to be fearless and blindly confident, to the point that people call it stupidity, but these are merely devices to inspire his men. He is fairly insightful in matters, often using other impression of him as a way to mask his true intention, and is able to hold back his Blood Knight and Leeroy Jenkins tendencies during war. He is willing to trust his life to his companions, knowing that they are more capable than him. He is blunter than a sledgehammer and denser than a brick in normal matters, and often speak out of turn, oblivious to his own rudeness. He is an excellent brother, forgiving of his fellow siblings, even after multiple assassination attempts. He values talent above all else besides character, and would even show respect to his enemies if they are capable.

Abilities: In hand-to-hand combat, he is without equal. He is capable enough to wrestle bears without armor or magic, using only muscle and skills. With magic, it boosts his strength even further. His excellent reflexes and his vast battle experience allow him to parry blows faster than the eye can see by reading muscle movement and block even before the attack start. In terms of intelligence, while he is lacking in strategy and tactics, he is a good judge of character and talent, employing trustworthy and talented men. He is smart enough to trick others with the Kansas City Shuffle.

Weaknesses: He is too trusting of those close to him, letting his relationship with them cloud his judgement. He is not used to weapons outside of his sword, and since punching is less effective in the battlefield, he can't fight well without his sword.

Goals: Take back their lost country and rebuild their kingdom.

Motivations: It is both his father's dying wish and his own sense of duty to his kingdom and its people.

Role in story: He is a relatively minor character, barely interacting with the main cast and will be killed after a few appearances. His role is to set up the rival faction alongside the main villain and the protagonist.

Backstory: Born as the first child, thus the crown prince. He was told since young how important the role of a ruler is, the greatness of his kingdom and the need to ensure the people are happy. While most would be more motivated to become a better ruler, Leandre instead thinks he is not good enough to be the ruler, and would rather have someone who is to take charge. Unlike his siblings, he has no desire for power, only was is good for the kingdom. Rather than waste time and effort on something he has no talent for, he rather pass the job to someone who does have talent and focus on what talent he have that would benefit the kingdom. On the streets, he heard rumors of a thief who managed to outsmart all the local authorities. Leandre thus laid a trap to capture the thief, which managed to succeed. However, it turned to be a child the same age as he was, who would become his sworn brother, Merrick. Being an orphan, Merrick had no choice but to steal to survive. Pitying him, while also recognized he had potential, Leandre offered to take him in. Not long after, they became close friends, and became sworn brothers through a blood oath. However, a plague broke out across the continent. Then, came the cult's rise to power and the war with the church. Alden, the sage who ended this war and taught the prodigious denary, traveled across the continent helping those affected. Leandre, spotting the chance, requested Alden to take Merrick as his student, since he had to stay behind due to being the prince. A few years later, their country was invaded, and the royal family had to flee. Leandre had to take command as the king since his father died. Merrick, intending to help, sent a letter offering his assistance. Leandre, figuring that it would be too difficult to attempt a revolt, told Merrick his plan to escape. Merrick understood, and immediately left for the country Leandre wanted to conquer to prepare. You know what happens next when he succeeded...

Relevant Tropes:

Badass Normal: Without magic, still can wrestle bears and come out on top.

Bash Brothers: With Merrick. Leandre is closer with him than with his actual brothers, and would trust Merrick with his life. Merrick, has Undying Loyalty towards Leandre. They are both Badass in their own way, and compliment each other.

Big Brother Instinct: He values his younger siblings very much, despite multiple assassination attempts. He eventually won them over, and they were devastated by his death.

BFS: His primary weapon.

Blood Brothers

Boisterous Bruiser

Combat Pragmatist: He doesn't find it dishonorable to use more underhanded tactics in fights.

Cool Big Bro: He acts like this to most people, even those older than him.

Brutal Honesty: He has zero tact and subtlety, which is why he leaves negotiations to Merrick.

Determinator: On his death bed, he got back up while suffering from intense pain to give a Rousing Speech to his men, wanting them to focus on retaking their country and not his death.

Fearless Fool: A way to further inspire his men, since despite appearing like this, he still win battles constantly and leads them to victory.

Final Speech

Genius Ditz: He knows how the world around him works, but is still quite an idiot.

Genre Savvy: Recognizes that he is a red oni and require a blue oni to balance him out. Knows that being a Blood Knight can lead to stupid decisions, plus his Brutal Honesty is not useful in negotiations, so he passes that job to Merrick.

Hidden Depths: While he may appear fearless, he is actually just as afraid as anyone when facing crisis, but he acts tough to inspire those around him, to give confidence to those he has faith in. He doubts himself and his own ability, is afraid of failure and disappointing others. Even on his death bed, he still had faith in others rather than himself, believing Merrick and Lorenz will succeed even with him gone.

Hope Bringer: Wants to be this.

Hot-Blooded

Inspirational Martyr: Why he pulled himself out of bed despite suffering intense pain.

Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Kind of a jerk, but means well.

Leeroy Jenkins: He knows he is this if he is given free rein, so he won't do anything without Merrick's approval.

Rated M for Manly

{{Red Oni, Blue Oni}}: Red to Merrick's blue.

Rousing Speech: What he's good at.

Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: The manly one to Merrick sensitive guy.

Stepford Smiler: Merrick knows that Leandre is this.

Ho Yay: Few moments with Merrick, but both are happily married.

{{I Love You Because I Can't Control You}}: Submissive women are a turn off to him.

Another pretty Badass character. I had to read the note above that he wasn't technically a villain, since it made little sense otherwise. Leandre's backstory is pretty amazingly well thought-out, and combined with his personality and powers, he reminds me of Conan the Barbarian within a Game of Thrones/Song of Ice and Fire setting. The determination he showed in getting off his death bed—-I haven't read the other characers, so I'm not sure what was killing him—to give a speech shows just how much he valued the image he crafted for himself. Certainly a formidable person to have among the cast, even if he doesn't last very long.

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace

Golden Sword story villains again! This is another "faction post"; I'll probably start with actual characters again after this.

• Name: The Children of the Outer World

• Age: They have been active within the domed kingdoms for 30 years. As a whole their member ages differ; the oldest encountered is 72 years old and the youngest is, disturbingly, a 6 year old child.

• Appearance: When actively carrying out duties and missions for the cult, the Children of the Outer World wear identical gray hooded cloaks with intricate crimson markings. Steel masks cover their faces, carved into elaborate and ugly caricatures. The masks completely cover the features, hiding their identities. When not dressed in the cult's uniform, they are indistinguishable from the other humans, dwarves, elves and goblins that populate the domed lands.

• Personality: Simply put, the Children of the Outer World worship the Deep God. Rather than view him as mortal-kind's enemy, they see the deity as a harsh but ultimately rewarding master. To hear them tell it, the Deep God is the true creator of the world and everything in it. They believe that the plague of Pariahs that has cost mortals their freedom and land is a punishment for a terrible sin committed in the age of the Ruskis Pact, and nothing less than complete atonement will banish the monsters. They see the populace of the domes as blasphemers for their worship of the "High God" and Golden Sword's hosts, and blame the periodic Pariah Incursions on their heresy. The Children have slowly divided into two factions. The first are militants who wish to "earn" a reprieve by destroying the Crusader Order and its masters, House Landry. The others are willing to trust in the Deep God's compassion and simply wait in prayer for the Pariahs to go away. Both groups and greatly secretive for fear of what will happen if their religion is discovered, and this shared terror of torture and execution at the hands of the Crusaders keeps their infighting to a minimum.

• Abilities: All "active-duty" Children wield curved and serrated gold swords, the color of the blades meant as an intentional mockery of the Golden Sword. Their skill level varies from wild flailing to expert blade-work that can leave opponents fighting for their lives. They also possess a variety of other abilities such as knife-fighting, marksmanship and hand-to-hand combat, and bomb-making. Listeners, priests of the cult who claim to be able to hear the Deep God’s whispered words, can steal the Essence from victims through the use of a special ritual. They can then "paint" targeted objects and creatures with the stolen Essence, fooling Pariahs into attacking the painted object. By painting other Pariahs with Essence, they can trick them into eating one another and creating a Union Project, increasing the likelihood of Incursions. The Children have a potent intelligence network made up of both paid informants and the genuinely faithful. These spies operate throughout the domed kingdoms and keep the cult informed on nearly everything they need.

• Weaknesses: The Children are made up of individuals, and despite their shared beliefs, all are not equal. They are often arguments between members over courses of action, and sometimes distrust and unrest ferments between mere followers and the Listeners due to the mysterious nature of their magic, and their supposed ability to hear the Deep God. Those smaller conflicts pale in comparison to the schism between the moderates and the militants. They view one another as fanatics and lukewarm apostates respectively. Because of the secrecy involved in their very existence, the Children have never reached numbers that would pose a military threat to the ruling establishment, since recruiting always poses a danger. Their method of creating Union Projects can accidentally birth an extremely powerful and intelligent monster, which can scatter their plans.

• Goals: All of them wish to earn mortal-kind's forgiveness for the sin which they believe brought the Pariahs into being. The moderates want to simply pray with all their might and live righteous lives, while the militants hope to bring this about by destroying the Crusaders and House Landry through inducing multiple Incursions. The real goal of the cult is to leave the Golden Sword without suitable hosts forever by forcing House Landry's male heirs to all become Heroes. However only the two founders, who come from a mysterious "Big City" outside the domes, know this.
  • After Marian reveals herself by ending the 23rd Incursion, the two founders dedicate their resources to taking her from the Crusaders and bringing her to the "Big City", for fear of what will happen if she remains beneath the domes.

• Motivation: All members wish to see mortal-kind freed of its domed prison, and embrace a true fellowship with their god. The cult's founders were ordered into the domes as sleeper agents by whatever authorities exist in the "Big City" and are attempting to disrupt the plans of the Makers, the mysterious faction which created the Pariahs 235 years ago.

• Role in the Story: They are the first villains encountered by the heroes. At first they appear to be the stereotypical "fantasy evil cult", but are revealed to be pawns of a faction of survivors that is independent of the domes. Their actions caused the 22nd and 23rd Incursions, making them responsible for the deaths of Godric and Joel Landry and millions of people. Their existence drives the persistent Witch Hunt the Crusaders have been carrying out for years.

• Backstory:

33 years before the start of the story, Kajack Invarra and Vania Calnell were chosen as agents of a plan by the "Big City's" ruling council to infiltrate the domed lands and destroy the Golden Sword. The two teenagers were given full discretion with how they wanted to carry out their mission and equipped only with a lengthy instruction manual on domed society and its ways. While making their way through the Pariah-infested wastelands of "Dead Mareaubia" between the settlements, they argued constantly about how to carry out the plan. Kajack wished to simply attack and slaughter the entire Landry family while Vania wanted to play the long game, using stealth to locate and take out the Sword. This argument did not resolve until they had arrived at the domes.

The pair arrived on the heels of the 20th Incursion; Hermann Landry had just destroyed the Union Project Afikel and the two of them watched the monsters flee before the radiant Hero as he then crystallized and shattered apart. They then used the confusion to infiltrate the entrance to the Southern Dome and settled there. Together they witnessed and experienced the years hardship faced by the citizens as they mourned the dead and tried to tend the ravaged land, and that was when Vania had an idea.

He had noticed the discontent and anger among even the most faithful worshipers of the High God and in this manner, he slowly struck up conversation with Silas, a goblin priest of the High God's temple in the city of Ralwat. He slowly introduced him to a new idea of religion, a worship of the Deep God mortals feared and hated so much. This new idea comforted many people as Silas spread it, and soon a great many people began to break away from the High God's worship, though many more stayed.

Slowly but surely, Vania introduced a new idea through his pawn, Silas. The radical idea that Sword was the enemy rather than a help, and that its use was blasphemy. While Kajack irritably waited, Vania and Silas encouraged their followers to view the Cargo Cult of the Sword as the reason for the Incursions...and of course, what better way to fight fire than with fire?

• Relevant Tropes:

• Anti-Villain: All of them in a way. Though the militant groups are responsible for two Incursions that resulted in thousands of deaths and much destruction to the land, all of them were people who have suffered terribly and feel let down by the High God's religion and worship of the Golden Sword and its Heroes. Kajack and Vania are a more questionable example, since they feel little to no guilt for what they've done, but they're trying to stop whoever or whatever created the Pariahs, so their motivation isn't evil.

• Apocalypse Cult: Sort of. The militant branches of the Children of the Outer World attempt to increase the Pariah invasions which kill thousands of people and cause untold destruction before they are eventually routed by a Hero. Not to mention that the shortening spaces between Incursions are causing more damage than the people can recover from. However they are doing this to destroy House Landry and earn "forgiveness" from the Deep God, so the destruction caused is a side-effect and not the goal itself.

• Badass Preacher: The Listeners can tear mortal life-force from the bodies of their victims, if allowed to carry out a ritual process, something unheard of by the official Mages Guild. They are also well-versed in swordsmanship and taking one on without proper training will result in a quick and painful death. They even look more threatening; their cloaks are a darker color than the usual cultist, and their masks are deep crimson red.

• Church Militant: The more well, militant members are this in spades. Though they exercise a sort of slow but destructive campaign of felling their "heretical" enemies rather than go at them head on.

• Cool Mask: Their steel masks are ugly, twisted caricatures of whatever race the wearer belongs to—such as elves with twisted too-long ears, goblins with overgrown teeth and bulbous eyes, humans with too-large heads or noses, and dwarves with no beards. They wear them during their gatherings to represent the ugliness of mortal nature and their need for the Deep God's forgiveness. They also function as covering for their identities, making it difficult for them to name one another if captured.

• Cult Colony: Lejna is a slum in the city of Murok and is located where the city connects with the Underground—a vast labyrinth of tunnels that run beneath the domed lands. When the Children of the Outer World arrived there, they either killed or converted every man woman and child. By the time the kidnapped Hope Landry is taken there, it is still run-down but is quite clean and freed of the crime and debauchery that ran rampant in its streets.

• Evil Stole My Faith: Vania's created religion spread like wildfire in a land that had just been brutally reminded of the horrors that waited outside the crystal domes that enclose the only areas mortal-kind can live anymore. The people worst affected by the 20th Incursion embraced something that would let them abandon the High God and yet feel connected to some higher power.

• Foreshadowing: Silas tells Glenn to cling tightly to his willpower, determination and courage because the Deep God has told him the domes "will soon become a boiling cauldron". Only a little while after the cult has been mostly put down, Marlene turns on the Black Knights and has Marian and Hope abducted sparking a civil war between the enraged Black Knights and pretty much the rest of domed society.

• Hearing Voices: Some members start hearing whispers that grow stronger over time, until it infiltrates their every thought, and echoes in their dreams. Eventually they will reach the point where they can almost begin to understand these words and make out meaning in them. These people will be elevated to the position of Listeners, and are venerated not only for their ability to hear the Deep God's voice, but because it is believed that their souls are purer than most, thus being able to hear their god's words. In actuality, this is merely due to Vania's magic, and the Listeners are chosen at random when he thinks they need leaders.

• He Knows Too Much: This is why it is so difficult for the Children of the Outer World to recruit. Once they have given their reasons that one should join them, the potential adherent must either say yes or be killed, since they will obviously report what they have heard to the nearest White Knight officer. This is also why they kill those who work for them only for the money, since they know greed can be turned both ways, both for and against them. In fact, there have been instances of members begging their Listeners not to force them to attempt recruitment of friends and family members, just for this reason.

• High Priest: Silas, the former High God priest who Vania and Kajack converted was the first member of the Children of the Outer World, and due to his priestly background became its first priest. He commands both the moderate and the militant branches, trying to foster some balance of harmony between them...though it is clear he favors the moderates. He is slightly aware that the two Rock Elves are hiding something and are a force behind the militants, but he still views them as the people who opened his eyes to the truth. Even when being tortured nearly to death by Glenn and Kiera, he refuses to give up his secrets until his son and grandchildren are threatened.

• Hoist by His Own Petard: Kiera Mavelon of the Black Knights manages to learn the Essence-painting ability and uses it on a large group of soldiers to lead a swarm of Pariahs towards the fleeing Kajack and Vania in order to rescue Marian.

• Human Sacrifice: The Listeners tear the Essence from living victims and use it to paint Pariahs to encourage cannibalism and the formation of Union Projects. They hold elaborate services when bringing out these doomed people, and the service is actually a celebration and heartfelt thanks for the gift being given by the victim.

• Illegal Religion: Worshiping the Deep God is...frowned upon in domed society. Members of the cult would face scorn, torture, and execution if discovered.

• Irony: Marian was a courier who operated in Murok's Underground and interacted with members of the cult branch there regularly when she took jobs for them. It wasn't until they ushered in the 23rd Incursion that they viewed her anything other than another sinful mortal.

• La Résistance: Zig-zagged. By themselves the Children of the Outer World are not a resistance movement as much as they are a religious one. However, as the Crusaders began cracking down on anyone they suspected of being a Deep God worshiper following the 22nd Incursion and Marlene Landry's appointment as Guardian-Knight, many have fled to the cult as a means of protection and stayed after being swayed by their ideology. Vania and Kajack play this trope straight, since the "Big City" is engaged in some sort of resistance against the Makers, and their actions in the domed kingdoms support that effort...somehow.

• The Mole: The cult operates through a spy network that stretches throughout the domed kingdoms. Some of these informants are genuine believers in the Children of the Outer World's ideology, and others are paid great sums of money to do their work for them. The servant who drugged and kidnapped Hope Landry is an example of this latter category. Those who are paid to provide the cult with information are usually used as fuel for the rituals once their usefulness to the cause has ended.

• Oh, Crap!: The Children's method of "painting" Pariahs with Essence and bringing about the creation of Union Projects backfires horrifically when they created Rakzal the Boundless Gale. Rakzal was a powerful monster that immediately deviated from their "controlled Incursion" plan, and without Hope to take up the Sword, everyone would have died...if not for Marian.

• Master Swordsman: Members who actually take the sword they bear seriously are these. Once the war between the cultists and the Crusader Order begins in earnest, those skilled in the art of the blade begin to attack the White Knights, at times making them retreat for backup. Yes, that's right, men and women wearing cloth robes and little armor force fully armored soldiers backwards with their pure ferocity.

• Meaningful Name: The name "Children of the Outer World" denotes their desire to return to Mareaubia outside the domes and live there under the protection of the Deep God. It also describes the fact that their founders come from outside the domes.

• Not Afraid to Die: Most of them would rather die than reveal the cult's secrets, locations and members. The Crusader Order's higher ups order lengthy torture for every member who is discovered—including children—and yet they get nearly nothing for their efforts.

• Path of Inspiration: The cult was created by two teenage Rock Elves from a colony that exists outside the domes, for the sole purpose of weakening House Landry's control over the citizens they ruled, and allowing them to deprive the Sword of hosts. The new religion spread rapidly among people who had lost their faith due to the horrors of the Pariahs and its current split into factions was far beyond what they expected or planned. Still, they retain a great deal of control over the Children and pull the strings of the more militant groups behind the scenes.

• Religion of Evil: The Crusaders, both the White and Black branches, believe that they are this...not that they actually are aware that they exist at first. They just believe that anyone who would hypothetically worship the Deep God must be evil and insane. In practice however, their religion is mostly tame and remarkably similar to the services performed by the High God's temples—which makes sense, because their religion blossomed from disillusioned High God followers.

• The Sacred Darkness: Just like the High God worshipers, they believe the Deep God exists deep beneath the earth and that those chosen by him can hear his whispers as they carry to the surface. Due to it being very dark underground, many of their places of worship are kept intentionally dim—or in some cases completely pitch black—to simulate the lack of light beneath the ground.

• Spanner in the Works: Marian was one of these not only for the cult, but for every faction operating on Mareaubia. No one knew what she was, only that she is powerful and has the ability to absorb Pariahs. The plans to destroy the Crusaders and House Landry to leave the Golden Sword without hosts were put on hold in favor of gathering information about her and then deciding on a course of action.

• Stunned Silence: The group of cultists that created the disastrous Union Project Rakzal are present when Marian absorbs the monster into her body, and just like everyone else present, citizen and soldier alike, stand there in a mixture of reverence and absolute confusion and horror.

• We ARE Struggling Together: The moderate believers view the militants as crazed fanatics who threaten the lives of everyone within the domes with their attempts to destabilize the government and their creation of Union Projects. For their part, the militants look at the moderates with disdain and think of them as lukewarm, and worse than heretics for knowing what must be done to achieve forgiveness from the Deep God and still doing nothing. That said, neither side will go beyond harsh debates, and they would never turn any of their number over to the authorities, no matter how bitter their differences.

• Witch Hunt: The moment Marlene took the throne of Guardian-Knight after her brother Joel had quelled the 22nd Incursion, she gave full vent to her suspicions that someone within the domes was somehow worsening the Pariah activities. She implemented procedures, such as outlawing of all magic unsanctioned by the Mages Guild, mandatory High God worship, and the right of the White Knights to detain, interrogate and even torture those they felt were suspicious. These draconian policies did inconvenience the Children, but they were able to continue their work, and some were driven into their ranks due to the persecution of the Crusaders.

• Wouldn't Hurt a Child: This is why Hope wasn't outright murdered when he was kidnapped by the Children who had planted an agent in Six Towers. The group that abducted him felt uneasy about the morality of outright poisoning a minor, even a member of the hated Landry family, and so they kidnapped him and then planned to give him to a more militant group who would kill him, as a way of doing their part but passing on the actual dirty work. .

edited 31st Jan '16 6:41:07 AM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace

This is going to be a webcomic, do I recall correctly? Because if so, I really dig the cults' look. Awesome.

Moving on: Vania's pretty sneaky. The Children look like something that could indeed flourish in a society harassed by the Pariahs and the Sword. They make the world you're creating so much deeper with showing the "underbelly" of the entire Domes society, and there's something... esoteric, I would say, in their beliefs. They're evil, but in a more misguided way, look very creepy while being so, and their part in the whole story is good and well-thought out - not to mention that the moment they're revealed, the great game of "Who's The Cultist?" can begin. It would be fun to see someone really trusted suddenly reveal themselves as a member of the Children - to the audience, if not the characters in-story.

If I may give a word of advice, play up the cult-ey, creepy and esoteric aspect of the Children. Also, I'm not quite certain if there's a point to the militant/moderate split if they still co-operate - perhaps those could simply be two "departments" of the same faction? It seems like it wouldn't change a thing story-wise, but would explain why they work together despite not "being" together.

Also, regarding the name: why not just call the Golden Sword story "The Golden Sword"? That's what it's basically about, isn't it?

---

And The Dragon to Huntress' Big Bad, the last character of Great Importance to the story. Which means that soon I'll have to sit and write the thing... *Lock-and-Load Montage* Alright, let's slay this beast.

• Name: S'hazesh
• Age: ~740
• Appearance: S'hazesh is a bit shorter than Huntress, but still taller than humans. He wears carapace armour, but hides it under an ashen-brown long cloak/robe, which makes him look broader than he actually is. His left glove has no fingers, and his face is covered by a silver screaming demon mask, but a pair of straight horns on his head is still visible. He has long black hair and ashen skin, and usually carries with him a warlock staff with vials of blood hanging from it and a nasty blade on top.
• Personality: S'hazesh is rather talkative and concerned with day-to-day affairs, but also careful and suspicious of anything that comes his way. He's thorough and thoughtful, with habit of picking even most minor nits in any plan and scheme, and can spend hours tweaking small details in hopes of achieving his ideal. His loyalty to the Huntress goes only as far as her plan and he has no great attachment to her cause, being more concerned with his personal advancement. He fully plans on murdering his boss when her aim is achieved to take the spoils of the victory for himself. He also knows that she knows about it, and the fact that he doesn't know what she plans to do with him stresses him out immensely. He's ambitious, ruthless and merciless in prosecution of his goals, but doesn't harbour any resentment or hatred for humans, seeing them as little more than means to an end and moderately valuable resource. He treats other First Men with something of a disdain, which doesn't win him over many supporters - the fact he's not overly concerned with at the moment.
• Abilities: As a warlock, he can conduct many offensive spells through his magic and can use target's blood to Mind Rape them, pulling thoughts out of their minds against target's will. He can also set up and perform various rituals and whisper from the Beneath into minds of sleeping humans - provided the humans are corrupted enough - influencing them this way. He's one of the most skilled warlocks in the Beneath, leaps and bounds over the usual stuff humans have to deal with.
• Weaknesses: His overt ambition, disdain for his peers and paranoia regarding Huntress' plans for him. He also can't do much in the way of magic when not having any blood, and isn't all that good physical fighter.
• Goal: To take Inandin's powers all for himself to become the most powerful warlock of the Beneath.
• Motivation: The above would allow him to restore the old Chapter, with himself as the Lord Commander and all the First Men's warlocks serving him. The sheer power he'd achieve would, in his opinion, ensure he wouldn't be dethroned^{spoiler note} He is correct - if he managed to take Inandin's entire power for himself, rather than spread it out for all to use like Huntress wants to, he'd become so idiotically powerful the Five themselves would start paying attention.
• Role in the story: The Dragon for the Huntress, and something of an enabler for the finale, as if it wasn't for her having to deal with him, the heroes wouldn't make it in time.
• Backstory: S'hazesh comes from Fras'ha clan of the Beneath and was a low-rank member until he begun to manifest warlock powers, whereupon he became one of several apprentices to the senior warlock of Fras'ha. Having ambitions to become the next senior, he both trained the hardest and murdered his fellow students. Finally, tired with waiting for the old teacher to get herself killed, he had her assassination arranged and, being literally the only warlock Fras'ha had left, assumed the position. Looking through old warlock's documents, he found information on the Chapter, organization that once gathered all First Men's warlocks under one command, and started to dream of reinstating it and becoming the Lord Commander. The opportunity happened when the Huntress murdered the Lord of Fras'ha to become a Lord herself and begun to dismantle the clan. S'hazesh was quick to betray his old masters and swear his loyalty to her, and when she brought him in on her plan, he realized that his dream might be more possible than he had ever thought.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • 0% Approval Rating: Pretty much no-one in Ha'Ishrii likes him, but everyone needs him.
  • Ambition Is Evil: Not the ambiton per se, but he kills a whole lot of people to achieve his goal and his endgame is ruling over all warlocks.
  • Badass Long Robe: As a warlock, he's qualified to have one.
  • Bad Powers, Bad People: The Dragon with Blood Magic.
  • Blade On A Stick: His warlock staff has a long blade at its end and can be used as a weapon.
  • Blood Magic: Like all warlocks, he needs blood to perform his magic.
  • Can't Kill You, Still Need You: Huntress' attitude towards him and vice versa. He can't kill her just yet, because she's his best bet on reaching his goal; she can't kill him yet because he's the only one skilled enough to pull of what she intends.
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: First his fellow students, then his master, then his clan, and now Huntress.
  • Control Freak: Things have to be in order and every little detail taken care of for him to be at peace.
  • Dragon with an Agenda: He only works for Huntress because it aligns with his own goal.
  • Dream Weaver: He can sneak into corrupted people's minds and whisper to them, steering them on the path he wants them to take.
  • Elemental Powers: Blood. If somebody's wounded and bleeding, he can literally rip blood out of them thorugh the wound. Doesn't work on gods' chosen, though.
  • Enemy Civil War: Him and Huntress have a Civil Cold War going, and it finally boils over when he tries to out-gambit her.
  • Evil Counterpart: To Largo, good guys' sorcerer.
  • Fan of the Past: He has a huge collection of tomes from the time where First Men were ruled by the Chapter.
  • Geometric Magic: The rituals he performs require this.
  • Hellgate: He can open gates into Beneath, but only when he's in human world.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: He plans to dispose of Huntress by letting the heroes come close to distract her while he leeches off Inandins' power. He ends up getting impaled by Largo.
  • Horned Humanoid: He has a pair of antelope-like horns on his head, marking him as a warlock.
  • Human Resources: He uses human blood in large quantities to fuel his powers.
  • Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: Largo impales him on his own staff.
  • Instant Runes: He can draw magic symbols in the air thanks to his control over blood, although they're less powerful than ones drawn on material substance^note That's because just keeping them afloat takes up some part of their power.
  • Insufferable Genius: He's a Jerkass with Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, but he's literally the best at his job.
  • It's All About Me: He doesn't care for anything but his own personal advancement.
  • Jerkass: Not on purpose, but the way he treats his fellow First Men screams this.
  • Malevolent Masked Men: He wears a demon mask akin to that of Japanese samurai.
  • Manipulative Bastard: He masterminds a dozen or so death cults on Terra Illuminata.
  • Mind Rape: He can enter people's minds and pull memories and information out of them, although it's extremely difficult. He can also whisper in dreams of people who're already somewhat corrupted away from the Five.
  • Mr. Exposition: He's one of POVs, so he exposits to the readers about Blood Magic, the Beneath, the First Men and actions of the villains.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain: If he didn't purposefully let heroes come close to the Huntress, they wouldn't be there on time.
  • Nothing Personal: He doesn't hate humans or loathes them for what they did, but he still kills them and uses their blood to get what he wants.
  • Number Two: To the Huntress. He's her chief warlock and the key element of her plan, as well as her administrator, thanks to his Control Freak tendencies.
  • Out-Gambitted: The Huntress has known about his plans all along and has planned accordingly.
  • Paranoia Gambit: The Huntress let it be known that she knows he plans to backstab her so that his paranoia would drive him to be less careful, making it easy to guess his true intentions.
  • Squishy Wizard: Underplayed, but in terms of sheer physical power, he's the second weakest character in the story.
  • Take Over the World: If he managed to reinstate the Chapter, he'd be able to force all the Lords to bow to him, essentially "uniting" the Beneath underneath him.
  • The Corrupter: He uses his Dream Weaver powers to set up variety of cults for Huntress and himself.
  • The Cynic: In his head, he mocks Huntress' vision, as he doesn't believe that the Lords won't use the result of her plan for anything else than more infighting.
  • The Paranoiac: He sees assassins in every corner and spends his waking hours trying to figure out Huntress' plans for him.
  • Vetinari Job Security: He keeps his job because he's the only one capable of Mind Raping an Inandilos.
  • Villain Protagonist: Not a protagonist, but he's the POV of villainous parts of the narrative.
  • Your Soul Is Mine!: He can steal life energy via blood.

edited 31st Jan '16 7:48:52 AM by Kakai

Rejoice!

It is ironic that the cult that worship Eldritch Abominations was less willing to torture children than the group that claims to be noble, even when they literally have their primary target right in their grasps, while the Crusaders are doing it to random people. Though their attempt to mock the golden sword is nice, those sword better have some super magic abilities, since gold aren't the best nor the cheapest material to craft a sword with. They do resemble actual cultists in real life, and their beliefs are similar to what some extremist religious cults believe in, so they won't appear as generic bad guys. The reluctance to allow their own family members in show that they are more morally upright than even real life cultists, which make them more deep and easier to sympathize with.(there are people who abuse their love ones for not joining their cult) They are more unique when compared to most cults in fiction, and the moral ambiguity is much better than showing them as one-dimensional fanatic nutjobs. I am actually deeply interested in them and their role in the story.

S'hazesh seems to be the odd one out of the First Men, along with the Huntress, since he doesn't hate the humans and actually view his own kind in a lower light. He may make for an interesting POV for the side of the First Men, and his paranoia, plan and dickish behavior would make for a more interesting read. He seems to be a guy even worse than the Huntress, but seems to be less naive(when your kind is defined by their trait to betray each other, what would giving them more power do?), which is a trait more likable for villains.

Now I would introduce the cult in my story

Name: I haven't thought of one yet.

Age: While the arts they practice existed for a long time, it never grew into size into it was now to the power of the church.

Appearance: The members of the cult consist of mostly humans of all ages. At the prime of their power, they done black cloaks with symbols of the demons they worship inscribed on them. However, ever since they lost their war against the church, they lack a common uniform, if they decide to even wear one. As demons, their forms vary greatly, from Eldritch Abominations to humanoid to beast-like, which may be due to desires, personalities or even by random chance.

Personality: They are divided into multiple divisions. The true believers are those that actually worship the demons and regard them as the true gods, engage in rituals, orgies, tortures and other acts which they believe it is their god's will. Then there are the bastards who chose to enter the cult for the power that the cult provides, using it to commit atrocities. Then there are those who are forced into it, either by life circumstances or by their loved ones.

Abilities: They mostly rely on turning into demons to fight. Only those who possess the Nigrum Libro can convert people into demons, though there are exceptions. Since demon forms vary from person to person, so do their abilities. Common traits are enhanced strength, speed and durability, as well as reflexes and senses. Through rituals, they can draw the soul of individuals to feed on, becoming stronger. Through devouring another demon, they can gain their abilities and traits. Those who possess the Nigrum Libro possess the ability to use Black Magic, such as mind control, Blood Magic, creating cursed weapons and summon demonic beasts.

Weaknesses: Every time they turn into their demon forms, they become much more aggressive and uncontrollable, which isn't qualities for an actual army. Only the most disciplined can resist the effects, but not for a long period of time. Each transformation chips away their sanity, until they become uncontrollable monsters. While in demon form, there will be a spot on their body that still look human, which when attacked would kill them immediately.

Goals: For most of the cult, no goal whatsoever beside spreading the cult. Only those who actually read the Nigrum Libro would know the true purpose, which is to revive the demon Baphometh, who was sealed away. The Nigrum Libro summons small parts of its body and infuses it into humans, and each demon created weakens the seal little by little.

Motivations: The true believers want to revive their god, the other faction intends to spread their influence.

Role in story: They act as the elite mooks for several warlords, while their leaders are The Man Behind the Man.

Backstory: Baphometh, a great demon, was sealed away the other spirits due to its desire to, what else, rule the world. Due to its great power, it can still transmit its thoughts into some individuals, pretending to be the voice of god. By his orders, they start writing the Nigrum Libro, the holy book of the cult. Christianity, unlike in our world, is formed as a counter against the cult by the spirits to prevent the cult from gaining influence over the humans. The cult existed in only small group of devotees, while the church organized Witch Hunts for them. This remained the status quo, until the bubonic plague happened. Due to the church also destroying all sorts of magic in their efforts to find the Nigrum Libro, they couldn't use magic to get rid of the plague. Figuring out that the plague was related to rats, they helped spread them across the continent, especially in churches. Then, they advertised themselves as the true followers of god's will, using their resistance to the plague as proof. Having no choice, many started joining the cult in order to survive, while the nobles started working with them to increase their own power. In order to prevent the cult from spreading even further, a holy war was declared on them. As the church was losing after being weakened by the plague and long periods of war, Alden decided to step in on their side, helping them achieve victory. To make sure the cult could not rise up again, they specifically targeted the true believers, since the others do not know the true purpose of the cult. They were not destroyed completely, but with most of their leaders gone, they were unable to rise to power as they did before. They decided to change their approach, using the warlords who rose to power due to the power vacuum and the countries weakened by the war by offering them the powers of the Nigrum Libro.

Relevant Tropes:

Hearing Voices: Baphometh's way of communicating, While starting of small, they began to take over their lives, alongside visions and nightmares,

Human Sacrifice: To strengthen their forces or weaken the seal.

Illegal Religion: Before and after the war, they are deeply persecuted by all nations, where members are tortured, scorned or executed.

Not Afraid to Die: Only the true believers, the remaining are mostly cowardly.

Religion of Evil

We ARE Suffering Together: Averted. While the true believers don't like the others who joined the cult for power, they still tolerate their existence.

I will add more later.

I apologize for not getting to this sooner.

The cult sounds like a formidable force, and I'm interested to see what name you come up with. Similar to your comments on my cult, I like that you didn't just create "generic crazies" and instead chose to populate this organization with people from all walks of life, just as in reality. All motives are just as unique as the people they originate from.

Their ability to turn into demons themselves reminds me of the Apostles from the Berserk manga, and the variation in their forms makes the usual One-Winged Angel trope rather unique, since they don't all simply look the same. Plus the idea of all of them being "vessels" of a sort for their demonic/Eldritch Abomination of a "god" is suitably creepy and instills a sense of urgency for the heroes—especially since there seem to be so many of them. I honestly wonder if the guys who went into this for power really know what they're getting into.

Also, that backstory...it's a pretty engaging tale of how those who tried to combat this scourge pretty much just shot themselves in the foot and helped it spread, along with killing a whole bunch of people who wouldn't have to get sick and die. I approve wholeheartedly; the story this goes along with will be great. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the same tale about the demon who is a protagonist and a former Evil Overlord?

edited 31st Jan '16 4:17:13 PM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace

Actually, they are from the story where Cyrus, Herrick, Lorenz and Leandre comes from, where warlords are fighting over dominance with magical armies. The story where the protagonist is a demon don't actually have demons, but are just called such by the church to justify killing them. The demons just accepted the term since they don't have a name for themselves. Baphometh is a single demonic spirit, and is the only true demon in the series, while any other are just pieces of his body.

• Name: Medraut, the Exalted Traitor

• Age: Looks like a somewhat handsome guy in his late 30s but is actually about 1500 years old

• Personality: Very, very tired of living. Resigned, and extremely patient. He does not hate his opponents (other than the petty ones), basically a Tragic Villain/Hero Antagonist

• Abilities: Think of the main protagonist, but 1500 years older and much more powerful. Skilled in many forms of combat as well as some knowledge of magic (And mages are very rare in this setting. There is a mage's academy... you can count the staff and students on two hands. And it will not reach ten.). His immortality (specifically the reason for it) makes his nature similar (but not exactly) divine

• Weakness: The Heir's Shear. His old sword, which can literally screw with fate and causality (As in, remove you from the timeline)

• Goals: To kill the main protagonist

• Motivations: To prevent her from ending the world as destiny has decreed (And due to how the world works, it's guaranteed to happen).

• Role in the Story: Sixth Ranger Traitor

• Backstory: Wow, this will be difficult, since there are actually legends told about him. Basically, over 3000 years ago, an ancient horror threatened the world and there rose up five heroes to banish it back to the Void.
  • Lancelot the Rook, a warrior who represented the "virtues of man" and chosen by the Sun (the god of humanity) for it.

  • Myrridin the Bishop, the first Wizard (a title for extremely powerful mages) and chosen by the Moon (the god of magic and creativity).

  • Galahad the Knight, who, despite being named after the purest of King Arthur's knights, was basically an honorable (yes, that does make sense) assassin with magic superpowers and chosen by the Archon (The god of death who ascended to godhood as part of a curse)

  • Gwenhwyfar the Queen, who possessed all of their powers (And favored by all three gods for her innocence and incorruptibility and- look she's supposed to be a very dark Parody Sue) and was meant to be an embodiment of hope for mankind.

But there arose a new hero, from the Pawns. The King, who, though weak, was anything but unworthy.

Together these five banished this ancient horror back into the Void. The Gods gave the King dominion over the known world, starting the end of the Golden Age and the beginning of the Silver Age and all was well...

...for about 2000 years.

No one is sure what happened, but there were reports that the King went "mad with power" and basically tried to destroy the world. Perhaps it was because of disagreements, or perhaps there were other, much more disturbing reasons for the King's madness, but whatever it was the other heroes were powerless to stop it. Only when Medraut, once a young, bright boy who genuinely put faith in these heroes, came forth and became a King, did the destruction subside, and all was well once more. The Old King, as he was now called, was slain.The Gods offered Medraut the world but unlike his predecessor, he declined, fearing his power would corrupt him, and grew disillusioned with the idea of heroism in general. The Bronze Age began, and the Four Houses were established, with central government to regulate their affairs (This did not work out). The other Four eventually killed each other, around a 1000 years later (and 500 years ago), leaving behind Medraut.

Now Medraut wants to keep this catastrophic destruction of the world from occuring once more. And the only way to do that, is to keep the next King from fulfilling her (yes, her, even she lampshades how weird it sounds) destiny.

• Relevant Tropes: Set Right What Once Went Wrong, Knight in Sour Armor, Tragic Villain, Hero Antagonist

edited 24th Feb '16 9:12:54 PM by SephirotAero

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but for posterity’s sake I’ll say it again: one of the best compliments you could hear from me is if I call something “interesting”. And as such, I’ve got no problems saying that Medraut — and presumably, your story at large — is interesting.

You’ve certainly piqued my curiosity. It would’ve been easy to just make him an evil overlord and leave it at that, but a guy who’s more or less out to do the right thing? That’s cool, too. It’s not hard to see why he’d do the things that he does; I’m guessing that someone his age has seen even more of mankind’s “finest moments” than what you’ve mentioned here, so the fact that he’s even trying to do something semi-noble says a lot about his character. He’s tired of living, yet presses onward regardless — and to save the world from destruction, no less; that’s an interesting dynamic, especially if there’s more evidence in Medraut’s favor instead of the protagonist/the king. It makes me wonder just how malleable fate and destiny are in your story.

That does kind of feed into my next point, though: what sort of means does Medraut use to try and stop the next king? Or, alternatively, how does he accomplish any of his goals? Is he taking matters directly into his own hands, or sending in minions on his behalf? More importantly, is he content with using force to coerce, or would he ever consider talking things over with the king? I can’t help but wonder, because the way I see it? It could determine whether he makes a beeline towards changing destiny, or inadvertently helps make that destiny — the worst-case scenario — come to pass.

I’m not saying that that (or anything you’ve got here, really) is a problem or a con. I just can’t help but wonder, because there are plenty of ways you could take this character. Is he the villain if he’s helping to save the world? Is he the hero if he’s willing to sacrifice a potential threat? I’m guessing you’ve got everything planned out already, so far be it from me to tell you how to make the story — BUT I can say that the possibilities are there. As a wise man once said? All right! That’s cool!

Also, the idea of a sword that removes things from the timeline sounds sick.

Well, hope that helped you out. Rest assured, I’ll be sure to get one of my guys up here soon. We’ll see if that’s a cause for concern.

My Wattpad — A haven for delightful degeneracy

Regarding your question about the malleability of fate and destiny.... It isn't. It isn't malleable at all. At least, without the Shear. that is. And only if you use it on people (since that is all fate and destiny affect).

No, he does not send out minions or anything like that, but he isn't above delving into a a darker shade of gray (He believes that great power and great responsibility [I used that term in particular to reference Uncle Ben from Spiderman] are burdens of their own, not so much the temptation of power, as the weight of responsibility, mostly from being forced to kill his former idol). He also does not have any desire to talk things over, since he's literally seen things come to pass the way they did. Also, he knows that, as a King, he is liable at any time to further the destruction of the world as much as the protagonist is, so he's actually unsure whether his actions are actually helping or not, which I believe highlights some of the themes of the story

Honestly, I'm still questioning whether one could call him the main villain, if all he's trying to do is save the world by committing an act that is is only reprehensible from the protagonist's perspective. She doesn't want to die, but at the same time, she's destined to slay the last King who existed. Who just so happens to be Medraut. And should she follow her destiny, she'll save the world, but eventually destroy it, as per that ancient horror's doing, as this was it's curse on the world after it's defeat.

Yeah, a whole year of work really, really paid off!

edited 11th Feb '16 11:20:40 PM by SephirotAero

The Shear only works on people, huh? That's an interesting detail. I mean, it kind of calls into question how far fate/destiny extend; some trees are destined to fall, and some animals are destined to catch a fish. Then again, taking the concept too far could lead to a Story-Breaker Power, wherein it's possible to remove events from the timeline (like stopping an earthquake from happening...or maybe the entire plot, if whoever wields it is smart enough). Then again (again), the Shear is probably strong enough on its own. Anyway, my takeaway from it is that it's cool as hell, and I kind of want one IRL. To, uh, hang it on a wall or something.

In any case, I promised I'd toss up one of my guys, so I'd better have at it. Stuff's subject to change, naturally — his theme song chief among them, because I went back and forth like eight times — but here's what I'm thinking so far. Enjoy.

Name: Niels Sigurdsson

Theme Song (because it's fun): “My Last Odyssey” by Darktribe

Age: 20

Appearance: 5’9”, with green eyes and blonde hair (usually worn in a short braid). VERY handsome — lithe body, fair skin, and eyes you could get lost in. Tends to wear light, Viking-style armor; eschews the heavy gear/helmet for cloth and leather. He almost always wears the insignia/colors of his home country (black and gold), typically with a matching scarf.

Personality: Unusually kind and polite, given his role as a globetrotting/seafaring overlord. He’s the type to speak softly and carry a big stick (well, technically it’s a lance); he’ll show limitless respect and concern for his comrades/family, and bring the pain to his foes — though even then, he’ll show his nobility if the situation calls for it. EXTREMELY loyal to his adoptive father and campaigning emperor, Magnus (even if Magnus is less than altruistic).

Similarly, he’s devoted to making sure his younger sister Sylvi stays safe and happy, which is part of the reason he fights on Magus’ behalf. However, underneath his noble persona lies an untapped wellspring of anger, ruthlessness, and hatred — which, naturally, gets brought to the forefront thanks to his interaction with the story’s heroine — and his comrade in conquest — Julia. Note that this is despite her being nearly ten times his size. I talked about her in the hero critique thread, so you can read up on her there if you want. Alternatively, I’ll save you a step and link to the appropriate song.

Abilities: Niels may act like he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but he’s an elite soldier in Magnus’ army for a reason. His skills with a lance are practically unrivaled, letting him strike at enemies from a safe distance away. On top of that, he’s adept with magic; though he can use numerous kinds, he specializes in light-elemental stuff, and primarily uses it in two ways. He’ll call down beams to hammer foes from above, or (more often than not) create chains that give him enhanced mobility. It’s extremely important to make use of the latter, because he has to fight giant monsters (and Julia, eventually) on a regular basis.

Any match that pits Niels and/or his forces against a Kaiju is a rough one — if not a losing one — but early on the young overlord develops a last resort: with enough time, he can channel both his mana and the world’s to create a massive suit of armor for him to control. In this form, he can not only fight on semi-even terms, but also use magic-based weapons — a lance, a shield, a bow, and of course a sword.

Weaknesses: Niels may have lots of tools for his offense and mobility, but his defense is comparatively weak. He can’t take hits like others can, even from normal human enemies — but because he takes on armies, giant monsters, and other magic mechs frequently, he has to constantly put himself at risk at getting swarmed, crushed, or otherwise destroyed in seconds thanks to one bad move. And sure, he CAN summon that mecha form of his, but the problem is that it takes time and energy to get ready, not to mention that he’s still at risk (it’s very possible to tear him out of the suit, or otherwise do massive damage to his body). Plus he’s not the only one who can make magic mechs, AND he finds out that using it has a pretty steep price. So, you know, there’s that.

But in terms of emotional weaknesses? Niels’ kindness, optimism, morals, and the like — basically, all of the things that would make him a good guy, ESPECIALLY love — end up being his downfall and eventually secures his turn to villainy. Everything falls apart for him as things progress, and most of his problems stem from Julia (once she goes rogue) progressively making his life a living hell…though to be fair, it’s because he opened his heart and extended a hand that so much goes wrong. He pays for his naiveté big time, and as a result becomes a shell of his once-noble self. And by extension, a dozen times more vicious. Whether or not he reclaims it in the end is up for debate, but the important thing is that Beware the Nice Ones is in full effect.

Motivation: He’s out to fulfill Magnus’ goal of world domination — because even if he’s an awful person, their world is in DIRE need of unification. It’s as much an expression of loyalty as it is a means to legitimately make the world a better place, albeit through unpleasant means. Altruism aside, Niels is doing it to make his “family” happy; Sylvi is his only blood relation, but Magnus plucked them both from the streets when they were little kids (a gesture that would save both their lives). He’s also out to win the favor of Balder, his older step-brother and Magnus’ biological son. It hasn’t gone well.

Role in the story: Starts off as a young conqueror sailing the seas, alongside Balder — as much as the older brother/conquest leader reviles the idea — and using the more-or-less enslaved Julia as gigantic muscle. Obviously, Niels isn’t the most malevolent person in the story, but his kindness helps facilitate several plot developments; it was his idea to “recruit” Julia rather than kill her outright, for example. More importantly, however? Magnus, the guy who’s built up as the main baddie, ends up getting killed early on by Julia’s hand — and Niels is forced to ascend to the throne. Lots of responsibility gets dropped on him in a single moment, and as such he has to do what he thinks is right…and see to it that Julia dies before she becomes an even bigger threat than she already is. That’s no exaggeration, by the way.

Relevant Tropes:

• Bishōnen: Boy, is he ever! He’s downright beautiful even when decked out in full armor (and when he isn’t, oh baby), and as a result has plenty of women fawning over him. The downside is that it leads to his comrades tending to belittle him for looking so unsuited for battle, i.e. lacking the Heroic Build that guys like Balder have. The plus side is that his beauty facilitates an arranged marriage…that doesn’t end well.
• Bathing Beauty: Fond of baths and hot springs, and invites others to join in. It’s a bonding exercise, probably.
• Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: Arguably slides into Blond Guys Are Evil, but even after his fall from grace he may still have that sense of goodness inside him.
• Indifferent Beauty: Reluctantly accepts that he’s a stunner, but cares more about world unification than admiring himself in the mirror.
• The Paladin: He’s a man who fights for goodness, peace, justice, and the like — despite the grisly methods — and believes steadfastly in them, even if his comrades don’t. With that said…
• My Country, Right or Wrong: Doesn’t always approve of Magnus’ methods, but even a bastard like him brings up a legitimate point: their world has been besieged by war and chaos for years, thanks to fractured countries and races. And that’s not even taking into account the giant monsters that roam the land, which need a more concentrated effort than “we’re working on it” or “we’ll handle them as they come”.
• Undying Loyalty: To Magnus, Balder, and the cause. It’s just a shame that Magnus acts like he barely registers Niels’ presence, Balder treats him like a nuisance and not a partner, and “the cause” is more than enough to birth serious internal strife. But hey, at least he’s got his sister Sylvi.
• Big Brother Instinct: Intensely loves his little sister (well, she’s 18, but she’s still younger). Niels is out to make sure Sylvi has a safe world to live in, despite her being holed up in Magnus’ stronghold 24/7. Part of the reason is that Sylvi is paralyzed from the waist down, and isn’t exactly ready for conquest. At least, one would think…
• Sibling Rivalry: Has this with Balder, to an extent. Niels sees it as something more innocent and inspiring, while Balder seems to actively hate Niels (especially since Magnus chose him to rule…or even picked him up from the streets). Notably, the more traumas Niels endures, the more Balder comes to respect and even support his adoptive little brother.
• Blade On A Stick: His typical weapon of choice, combined with some pretty potent magic.
• Variable-Length Chain: The most common application of said magic. In doing so, he’ll maneuver around areas quickly, and reposition to attack the weak points of towering beasts. Wonder where he got the idea from…
• Humongous Mecha: Can create one of these, albeit after consuming a hefty amount of time and resources. Notably, the mech he creates can be bigger or smaller, depending on how much mana he uses — and depending on his mental state, it can appear as a proud warrior or a haggard savage.
• Guile Hero: Not afraid to step onto the battlefield, but he's smart enough to craft strategies and traps that make fighting enemy armies/giant monsters a whole lot easier on him. Coupled with his natural intuition, he's a tough one to beat.
• Captain Smooth and Sergeant Rough: Has this relationship with Balder, who comes off as a brute with a bad temper (though he has his moments). As the story progresses, the two of them basically end up switching roles.
• Oblivious to Love: Acts like this, and for the most part maintains the image when dealing with other women. That said, the illusion falters when he’s dealing with Julia.
• Villainous Crush: He’d never admit it — as easy as it is to spot — but he’s in love with Julia, and sees her as much more than a slave-turned-soldier. Of course, being 12 years his senior and forcibly widowed by Magnus’ campaign, she tends to see him as a clingy, annoying child. To be fair, she sends some mixed messages by still being one of the few people that shows kindness (or at least a shallow version of it to earn his trust) to him.
• Amazon Chaser: Part of the reason why he starts falling for Julia is that she’s inhumanly strong — and that strength can help him create an ideal world. Well, in theory. Maybe he just likes power for the sake of power.
• Face of an Angel, Mind of a Demon: Downplayed. Niels is a nice guy (and impossibly handsome), but every so often, he makes it plainly clear that there’s a pragmatic, darker edge to him — even if he suppresses it most of the time. Which makes him the perfect…
• Unwitting Pawn: Magnus purposely puts Niels out in the field — and in his will, names him as the successor to the throne — as a means to bring out the worst parts in him. His plan is to make the young conqueror experience pain and cruelty to break him…which in his eyes will help make him the greatest ruler the world has ever seen. Jury’s out on the “greatest” bit, but for the most part? Despite his death (or maybe because of it), everything goes just as Magnus planned.
• Trauma Conga Line: Very few things in Niels’ life go right. To wit: his adoptive father gets killed, his sister gets killed, he loses men left and right, his “loyal subjects” turn their back on him, he’s betrayed by his fiancé (who was ALSO just using him as a pawn), his home gets left in shambles, and Niels himself consistently takes grievous damage in battle — to the point where he ends up scarred and losing a couple of limbs, necessitating some painful magical prosthesis. I’d say he has every right to have a Start of Darkness.
• Madden Into Misanthropy: Shunned, scorned, and scarred, Niels becomes a much harsher character over the course of the story...and more than a little unhinged.
• Hero Antagonist: One could argue. Nearly everything above is caused by Julia — who, as a giant monster (and an increasingly-giant one, no less) stomping her way across the earth to fulfill her own noble(ish) ambitions, isn’t exactly someone the people sympathize with. He’s rightfully convinced that she needs to be stopped.
• Big Bad Slippage: Of course, you could also argue this.
• You Are Not Alone: The Arc Words first spoken by Niels. Tragically, the further into the story he goes, the more alone he gets — to the point where his last words are basically an Ironic Echo.

Well, there you go. Kind of funny how the villain before mine was also something of a hero antagonist, but it's fine. Nothing wrong with a little serendipity, I hope.

edited 12th Feb '16 9:37:31 PM by Voltech44

My Wattpad — A haven for delightful degeneracy

• Name: Comedy Mask Ashley Tillesbury and Jack Tillesbury

• Age: ??? 18 and 27

• Personality: The Comedy Mask Murderer or alternatively the Harbor Butcher is a cruel and relentless serial killer, the complete mundanity of their abilities only amplifying the cruelty and extent of the crimes. By all accounts an extremely capable assassin, they are a terrifying, manipulative monster who takes utter joy in targeting the defenseless. The Comedy Mask Killer specializes in killing transgender women and men, anyone who deviates from the strict view of "what is Man and what is Woman" they believe in, and strangely enough, also killing those who have some form of moral failing or societally frowned upon behaviour. Ashley is a seemingly subservient "Good Christian Girl" who married into wealth, but who masks her disgusting sadism behind doing things for her husband's "own good". She believes she is entitled to kill so as to deal with her "Stepford Stress", and that people who "aren't fit for society" don't even count as sentient. Her brother is worse. He was kicked off of a team of SEAL's for...something. He is a very gifted soldier and ace in almost everything he does, to a degree the head detective calls him "a sociopath of the Heydrich type - excellent at everything he does, and good at using those skills to hurt others for his own gain". He is utterly proud of his bodybuilder-like form, seeing his strength as justification for bullying and forcing his way on others, while publicly being an utter Nice Guy so as to make any accusations of untoward behaviour seem outlandish and libelious.

• Abilities: The Comedy Mask Killer is obviously very skilled at what he does, and even slaughters a team of police sent into a house after him. This is because Jack trained his sister the same way he was trained. There is also their familial wealth, and Ernest Tillesbury, the Family Head, may not be a serial killer himself but "I'm not gonna lose sleep over my kids slaughtering some freaks and idiots". He also uses his wealth to cover up their crimes, including bribing detectives and threatening their families...did I mention this guy is a United States Senator and heavily favoured to run for President in two years?

• Weaknesses: As with many Serial Killers, the ego and need for the crimes to be publicized and the results seen can distract them from their usual precautions.

• Goals: Hit the "five hundred mark". That is, kill 500 people.

• Motivation: For Ashley it is "I had to watch my fit, handsome husband's body go to pot! Now he's fat and ugly and I've got some stress that can only be relieved by some murder." Her brother Jack's? "They kicked me off! I was almost SEAL Team 6! How dare those things do that to a handsome work of art like me!!"

• Role in the story: villains of an entire meta arc in a crime and investigation RP I take part in off-forum. I may make said RP on here if there is enough interest.

• Backstory: Next to nothing is known about the Comedy Mask Killer.

• Relevant Tropes:

• Arch-Enemy: Ashley is female detective Meredith's archfoe, and her opposite in a number of ways. Jack is Carter's, the two both being former members of the armed forces and both rubbing shoulders a number of times before the ultimate reveal.
• Ax-Crazy: Always laughing during a crime at some point. Quick to point out they enjoy the crime tremendously.
• Bald of Evil: Jack in some flashbacks, especially when "handling" those "suspected Afghani Terrorists". He notably hated this look, ranting "I had beautiful fucking hair! I was a work of art! Then you fuckers shaved it to this!"
• Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Jack, publicly. In the public eye he's a charming nice guy who helps at risk youth, gives money to schools for Theatric Pursuits and other such things. Behind closed doors? A spiteful, cruel psychopath utterly full of himself.
• Brother–Sister Incest: Without even really giving it any thought, Ashley offers to "give Jack a handy" after he came back home frustrated and its implied she "calms him down" like this often, though nothing more...penetrative happens, thank goodness.
• Calling Card: Removing an eye and putting it on the table.
• Catchphrase: "Did it get any better?"
• Cold-Blooded Torture: Tortured a rookie cop to death just because.
• Couldn't Find a Pen: Enjoys leaving messages for people to find written in his victims' blood. Its sometimes a riddle leading to his next victim (unless the killer decides its actually a lie) and sometimes its just a cryptic poem.
• Criminal Mind Games: Indulges in this with the police and even the FBI.
• Cruel and Unusual Death: The Comedy Mask Killer visits these upon the victims, believing in their own warped, sociopathic view that the victims deserve it.
  • Drawing and quartering as mentioned...
  • Ripping someone to pieces to such a degree that identifying the body as human was initially difficult.
  • And many, many more.
• Dark Is Evil: Dresses in all black, except the stark white comedy mask.
• Emotion Eater: The Comedy Mask Killer enjoys "eating" the victims' fear, desperation and despair.
• Evil Genius: Not too surprising considering the Killer is literally two evil geniuses but it is especially notable considering that the Comedy Mask Killer outlasts about three other serial killers.
• Evil Is Sexy: Though Fan Disservice heavily applies - Jack is an extremely well built, handsome man with nice hair and Ashley is a beautiful athletic woman with long, silky hair.
• False Reassurance:
  • Comedy Mask: Don't worry, Tucker, I won't stab you or slash you any more...
  • Tucker: I-I...please...let me go...I can't help how I'm bo—-
  • Comedy Mask: -slits his throat- Oops, I lied. And fags aren't born, they recruit.
• Fallen Hero: Averted with Jack. Meredith points out he wasn't any more heroic or good when he was military according to the records.
• For the Evulz: I do not do what I do for righteousness nor sanctimony nor any sense of revenge. For what I do, I do for enjoyment.
• Greater-Scope Villain: It is through Jack's tutelage that Jason Kodel becomes a murderer, and its implied either the siblings or their father were involved in a series of other crimes.
• Hair-Trigger Temper: Some days more pronounced, other days less so; Jack has a vile, malignant temperament, while Ashley tends to have short bursts of anger.
• Heteronormative Crusader: The Comedy Mask Killer engages in crimes of this sort, usually using some morbid and direly unfunny pun, such as dragging a drag queen to pieces via old fashioned drawing and quartering, or "forcibly closeting" a young lesbian woman via killing her and stuffing her on to the top shelf of the closet.
• Horrifying the Horror: Horace Wenwright, another Serial Killer, but one who explicitly spares children of (physical) harm, calls The Comedy Mask Killer "a terrible, horrible individual. He frightens me. He really does."
• Hot Guys Are Bastards: Hooboy. Jack is a muscular guy, tanned, classically handsome. He's also a conscience-less psychopath with no impulse control and a tendency to do whatever he feels like. Extra points for volunteering while still unknown to serve as Meredith's teenage sister's "birthday party male stripper".
• Hypocrite: Neither of them are very good people despite declaring themselves "moral paragons of this country", and Jack despises homosexuals despite his incident described under Your Cheating Heart. Justified, given their utter psychopathy.
• Knight Templar Big Brother: Jack to Ashley. He claims he's the only man worthy of REALLY being in her life, and immediately disdains anyone else she's in a relationship with.
• Lack of Empathy: The Comedy Mask is said by Carter to be "without empathy, no ability to put him or herself in anyone else's shoes. Life for them...is a series of exploitations." Jack and Ashley are both equally lacking in empathy.
• Malevolent Masked Men: Technically two of them.
• Moral Myopia: Crimes against them are heinous and deserving death. Their own mistakes and issues? Why make a mountain out of a mole hill? It wasn't that bad!
• Mr. Fanservice: Jack has a lot of shirtless scenes, and outright flexes his muscles in a bodybuilder routine trying to tempt Meredith into wanting him sexually.

Ms. Fanservice: And Ashley similarly tries to seduce Carter, being a very beautiful, vivacious woman who uses her gifts to further her little "hobby".

• Narcissist: The killer obviously thinks highly of himself, as Carter points out - he leaves messages glorifying himself at the crime scenes. Jack and Ashley are both this. Jack has a tremendous ego, believing himself the handsomest man on the earth, getting enraged when this view is not supported. Ashley is a malignant woman who sees her life style as the most pleasant and desirable one anyone could want, and thus thinks people who don't live up to her standards "can just as well die."
• Politically Incorrect Villain: Comedy Mask enjoys his crimes not the least because he likes "hurting people society's already pinning down - that's what he means by Did It Get Any Better - he's taunting them. Deliberately turning their lives into hell one last time." Jack only uses such a persona to hurt people, as he is a hedonistic psycho who would just kill anyone who gets in his way. Ashley on the other hand feels as a rich girl, she's entitled to kill the less fortunate "Why did I kill you? Because I don't like seeing my lessers, that's all."
• Sadist: Obviously enjoys hurting and murdering people painfully.
• Serial Killer: Without saying - but the Comedy Mask Killer goes further than most others! By the time the story starts, the body count is almost at 300.
• The Social Darwinist: Uses this as a justification in police letters, saying these people deserve to die for being "defective" and "not deserving to live" due to "impeding Darwinian selection".
• The Sociopath: Blatantly. Jack is a more hedonistic and nihilistic type, believing that life is short and "one should do whatever he finds most entertaining any given moment". Ashley on the other hand is totally self centered, and has a strong hatred for anyone not living the way she thinks they should live.
• Sociopathic Soldier: Jack is disgraced ex-military. Heavily disgraced. As in, the only thing that kept him from being convicted for "something deadly serious" was daddy's money and contacts.
• Voice of the Legion: Uses a specialized voice changer that results in a Legion-esque voice, which sometimes narrows down to one altered voice before shifting back to many concurrent ones.
• Wicked Cultured: The killer gives some slight vibes of this, quoting an obscure 1600's play while torturing a victim. Both Jack and Ashley cannot help but live extravagantly and their father keeps heat off them because he knows that Interpol would be able to track them by their expenditures if things got bad enough.
• Would Hurt a Child: The Comedy Mask Killer is not above murdering children for not "conforming".
• Your Cheating Heart: Ashley cheats on her husband with every fit man she can find, and rubs it in his face, telling him he has no ability to stop her. When he gets pissed and slaps her, she gets back up and...starts making out with him?
  • Jack is likewise promiscuous, not even limiting his "affections" to the opposite sex - which only serves to highlight his self-serving morality and how he doesn't actually care for even his own murderous creed.

edited 19th Feb '16 9:24:49 PM by NickTheSwing

Well, Nick The Swing forgot to critique Niels, so I suppose I'll critique both him and the Comedy Mask Killer.

Quite an interesting and, dare I say it, likeable Hero Antagonist you've got there! I could easily see him as the Hero of Another Story, in fact.

Well, if you set out to create a disturbing Complete Monster, you've succeeded, my friend. My only quibble is their motivation: I've never been a fan of For the Evulz as a trope, because on the face of it, it's just saying: "this character tortures people, because that's just what evil people do for fun, right?" So maybe you could further flesh out what made them such a murderous Heteronormative Crusader than just, "they're privileged sociopaths."

Anyway, I thought I'd drop the Big Bad of a Dungeons & Dragons game I'm running, who is loosely based on a character from one of the players' stories (with said player's consent).

• Name: Bane Shadowblade.
• Age: Undetermined, but in the 400-500 range, equivalent to early thirties for humans.
• Physical Appearance: Bane is a tall wood elf with pale Caucasian skin, sharp teeth, a pointed chin, handsome features, and wavy, swept-back hair. His default facial expressions are usually a charming smile or Psychotic Smirk. In terms of clothing, he wears leather armour that basically resembles the Renaissance equivalent of a 1950's biker outfit.
• Personality: Charming and amiable, Bane is very capable of forging friendships and alliances both on the battlefield and off of it. However, most of that is just a front. In truth, his suffering at the hands of his enemies has made him cruel, sadistic, and cunningly ruthless in achieving his goals. He revels in combat, treating battles of life or death as fun and games until someone hits a Berserk Button. The only person he ever shows genuine care and affection for is his sister Ebony, and he will attempt to keep her safe by any means necessary.
• Abilities: As an elf, Bane is immune to magical sleep-inducing effect and is resistant to Charm Person and similar magic. His wood elf military training also has made him proficient with various weapons, particularly swords and bows, and his experience in his people's war agains the drow has left him a shrewd military strategist. What really makes Bane a dangerous foe however, are his powers as a warlock. Of the various spells he has access to, he can fire blasts of eldritch energy, charm unwary victims, create areas of darkness, and even raise the dead. Furthermore, summon weapons of spectral energy to his hand, and the source of his magic being an ancient lich makes him resistant to all illnesses and renders undead beings unwilling to attack him. Lastly, his lich master has granted him an imp familiar named Iago, with whom he shares a telepathic bond, and whom grants Bane a degree of magic resistance when they are within close proximity.
• Weaknesses: Being a warlock, Bane lacks a large amount of spell slots, so he mostly relies on his eldritch blast cantrip for magical attack. Furthermore, while less of a Squishy Wizard than other arcane casters, he's still squishier than non-casters. Also, while seeming unflippable, if someone does manage to piss him off, he will fly into a blind rage with no regard for strategy or reason.
• Goals: To restore his dead family back to life and see the drow pay for the atrocities they committed during the war.
• Backstory: Born into a military family, Bane was just barely old enough to fight when the Deep War began. A shrewd strategist as well as a powerful caster, he quickly rose through the ranks, eventually becoming commander of his own platoon. However, Bane changed when the drow army sacked his hometown, killing most of his family and friends. The once kind and loving elf grew cold and merciless, only wearing a mask of amiability. But what truly broke him was the day his nation was to negotiate peace with the drow, and to add insult to injury, Matriarch Althea Webweaver, who had led the attack on Bane’s home, would be negotiating on the drow’s behalf. Enraged that his hated enemy would not be made to pay for their atrocities, Bane set out the night before the peace talks and attacked Webweaver’s encampment, slaughtering every drow he could find there. However, when he was about to deal the killing blow against Althea, his magic left him, allowing him to be captured and delivered to his superiors for court martial. Stripped of his rank and abandoned by his ancestors, Bane almost gave into despair when, in a dream, a far darker and more powerful ancestor of his contacted him and promised him not only vengeance, but the power to tear through the veil between Life and Death and see his family again. Bane did not even hesitate. With his newfound power, he slipped from his quarters in the dead of night and slew Althea Webweaver, taking from her corpse an artifact needed to enact his new patron’s will…
• Relevant Tropes:
• Anti-Magic: As well as an outright immunity to sleep magic, when Bane in is the presence of his imp familiar, all types of magical effects have a hard time affecting him.
• Berserk Button: Harming his sister or sympathising, or gods help, allying with the drow.
• Blood Knight: Bane LOVES life or death combat, revelling in every blow he takes or inflicts, to the point where many accuse him of not taking these battles seriously.
• The Charmer: When he needs to be, Bane can be very amiable and persuasive, and has recruited many friends and allies to his cause this way. Should he fail to smooth talk someone to his side, however, he tends to use a different kind of charm.
• Deal with the Devil: Standard issue for warlocks.
• Fallen Hero: Before his disgrace, Bane was a seasoned war hero. Now, a merciless killer is all that remains of the elf he once was.
• Fantastic Racism: As far as he's concerned, the only good drow is a dead drow.
• Freudian Excuse: He may be a borderline Complete Monster now, but the drow did kill most of his immediate family.
• Guilt-Free Extermination War: How he sees his campaign against the drow. In practice, it's more like Van Helsing Hate Crimes.
• I Let Gwen Stacy Die: His platoon was assigned to protect is hometown when the drow sacked it. This is one of the main reasons for the lengths he goes to in order to bring them back.
• Knight Templar Big Brother: He will not show mercy to anyone he sees as harming his sister. Unfortunately, this happens to include the other party members, who, in Bane's eyes, continue to put Ebony in harm's way...
• Morph Weapon: His pact weapon can take the form of nearly any melee weapon, although he prefers the shape of a longsword of elven make.
• Necromancer: Having the Undying patron for his warlock pact, he has quite a few necromancy spells in his repertoire.
• Spontaneous Weapon Creation: One of his powers as a warlock.

edited 20th Feb '16 9:45:20 PM by MapleSamurai

Bane seems like an interesting villain, but I couldn't help but feel his potential is a bit squandered. Unless you're planning on having the players discover his background bit by bit, they'll probably end up thinking he was just another Generic Doomsday Villain. Another issue is mechanics: if you make Bane too weak, it'll just be a disappointment, though considering the system (D&D 5e, right?) that wouldn't be that much of a problem.

Anyway, here's the "main villain" of sorts of my story, which is set in a Constructed World of sorts. As Ambar Sonof Deshar once said: "The story's set in a world that isn't all that different from our own, at least when it comes to culture, social mores, and technology (if you were to look at a map though, you'd get very confused, very quickly)." However, there are some major differences; namely, the existence of the CARDs, mysterious artifacts capable of generating specialized Magitek Power Armor for the user. Each CARD has a special power, ranging for mildly useful (enhanced hearing, minor Super-Strength) to game-changingly powerful (creating Bullet Hell in a blink of an eye). Curiously, however, there's only about 54 of those CARDs, and two of them are the Jokers, which outpower any other CARD in existence, and have some degree of sentience.

And recently, more and more CARDs come in the hands of the dysfunctional students of Excalibur...

• Name: Black Joker: Cosmic Nihilus
• Appearance: Here◊
• Age: Your guess is as good as mine
• Personality: The Black Joker is basically a blob-thing with an humongous axe to grind to reality itself; he feels like every living being is an affront to his existence. This manifests in constant hatred against everybody, and since he’s the sole remaining shard of an evil god, this hatred is the only thing he can feel, and even to its hosts, it’s an A-level douchebag.
• Abilities: The Black Joker’s default form is an amorphous blob, but it can transform into a special CARD, which immediately bonds itself to the first person who picks it up, forming an unique psychic link with them. This also grants the Black Joker the ability to create Magitek Power Armor, a CARD, for the host to wear, as well as the ability to Mind Rape the hosts. You can find Cosmic Nihilus’ powerset here. It’s at the very bottom of the document
• Weaknesses:
  • Powerful as it is, the Black Joker barely has any knowledge of fighting or strategy besides “shoot void until the enemy stops existing” or “channel void through blades and hack away until the enemy stops existing”, making him Unskilled, but Strong. In addition, he could only access the memories of his host if the host consents to it, which isn’t very often, limiting his Mind Rape options.
  • In addition; the Black Joker is or becomes the top target of all the factions; it and its host doesn’t have any allies, and while getting temporarily knocked out of transformation isn’t that damaging for it, it runs the risk of killing the host and having to start from square one again.
• Goals: Destruction of everything.
• Motivation: Basically, he’s triggered by the very existence of living beings
• Backstory: Nobody knows the true origins of the Black Joker, and it isn’t important for the story as a whole. It was, however, revered as the holy grail of a doomsday cult, and was meant to be used by the main protagonist, before the cult was discovered by the Inquisition (which, in the period that the story is set in, was more of a FBI focused on magic) and dissolved. Since then, the Black Joker switched owners for a long time, before it was eventually found and used by a curious Excalibur student...
• Role in the story: Big Bad.
• Relevant tropes:
  • As Long as There Is Evil: Subverted; despite its claims to the contrary, the Black Joker isn’t something that should exist, and killing it is very much possible.
  • Eldritch Abomination: It wasn’t made, or born; it just sort of came into existence
  • Evil Is Petty: Once literally punted a puppy out of the way.
  • Feeling Oppressed by Their Existence: By existence in general, natch.
  • Flat Character: He’s kind of one-note; the interesting part comes when he’s forced to possess someone with morals.
  • Humans Are Bastards: Most of its Mind Rape consists out of convincing the target that humanity as a whole is evil and deserves to die.
  • "It" Is Dehumanizing: Most characters refer to it as it. Justified, because it’s clearly not something that should even exist.
  • Mind Rape: Inflicts this to everybody who uses him; basically, think of verbal abuse amplified a million times.
  • Omnicidal Maniac
  • Really Gets Around: He swaps around hosts like someone switches outfits, though he prefers to stick with one host.
  • Too Spicy For Yog Sogoth: Ryall managed to actually overpower the Black Joker and bend it to her will, though it’s also because at this point, Ryall’s goals were pretty much the same as the Black Joker’s.

edited 23rd Feb '16 9:53:02 AM by handlere

Seen in the profile picture: the Gundam Flauros Rebake Full City, piloted by McGillis Itsuka, captain of the Turbines

Hey, thanks for the kind words. I've taken a shine to Niels — and Julia, even more so — recently, but I know for a fact that they still need a lot of work. (Don't even ask how many revisions Julia's been through.) Still, good to know that I might be on the right track.

But I have to admit it: the idea of Niels being the hero of his own story is pretty interesting. Maybe I can use the concept to guide my thoughts/brainstorming from here on.

Whatever the case, I'll be sure to do some more critiques soon. It's the right thing to do — which seems ill-fitting given that this is a thread discussing villains, many of whom aren't exactly of a sound moral fiber. But let's not dwell on the details.

My Wattpad — A haven for delightful degeneracy

@ handlere Hmm, the Black Joker makes for an interesting Big Bad. It's intriguing that he doesn't have any sort of set origins; it allows the reader/viewer to interpret how and why it came to be and why it has such a bone to pick with the universe itself. I had to read this twice to realize that it wasn't an evil Empathic Weapon but a creature in its own right that was...in the form of a weapon, I think? Anyway it's ability to possess multiple hosts in rapid sucession is pretty bothersome for the protagonists trying to stop it, since it has an endless supply of bodies if its current one is destroyed. Above all, Black Joker's personality seems sour, destructive and just malevolent, and not in a cool way, which is new. Instead it comes off as a cranky vicious curmudgeon on a cosmic scale and tosses aside any chance of being admired.

My only issue with it is just that it seems like Black Joker would have been better as a character rather than as a living weapon, but that's not exactly a design flaw, just a story choice, which is your right as the writer of course.

edited 25th Feb '16 4:10:13 PM by Swordofknowledge

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake. — Edgar Walllace