Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!):

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[up] I like his style. I can totally see the (possible??) Vyers and Lambadelta vibe coming from them and of their best aspects. Much of his personality reminds me of both Vyers and a bit of Valvatorez mixed in there. Considering that I liked those two, that's a compliment. His philosophy towards prayers and blessings reminds me of the magic philosophy of Lambdadelta's "Certainty Magic" rewarding determination and effort. And then there's his love of screwing with people (like Lambda but less nasty about it). I enjoy gadflies a lot.


For those who critiqued my characters (Votul and Delana), the connected Anti-Villain I mentioned earlier is in that link.
The Deuteragonist from my work turned out as an Expy of Shiro from Deadman Wonderland at some level. Even I did my character before I heard about the manga/anime.

Similarities: An albino girl, with superpowers, regeneration. She's a cloudcuckoolander too.

My character is not as cheerful, instead more angsty and she's a classical antihero. Her regenerations are slower but can heal all the scars (also before she aquired this power she was almost blind), also involves some body horror. She can heal others (in the same manner), has telekinetic powers, and can restore her power by drinking blood. She originally was a fangirl of both identities of the protagonist, later she learns they're the same person and falls in love with him. She's a musician too, mostly a singer, but can play keyboards, and later the guitar. Unlike Shiro she doesn't have split personality, but still has her moments (Berserk Button). Also she's quite promisculous.
And your opinions on Magnum's character?
I'd say I'm being refined

Into the web I descend

Killing those I've left behind

I have been Endarkened
[up] I didn't write a character in that post. I was critiqueing one. tongue The prerequsite critique you mention should be directed at the one I just critiqued (bottom of page 8 I believe).

edited 8th May '13 9:34:55 PM by magnum12

Organized Canine Bureau Special Agent
This other guy is my planned Lancer next to Police Senior Inspector Mark Chen. Doing an Israeli-Filipino character kicks all ass. He's suppose to be an ex-Sayaret Rimon commando, but I thought that Shayetet 13 should have some kinda exposure. Unless someone's against it, of course. Also, I may make a mistake reading the IDF stuff here, so feel free to point them out to me.

Perhaps a few more characters could be a female Korean-Filipino and a a couple of immigrants who move into the Philippines and serve under the NCTAG. I'll probably need to do the unit's commanding officer too.

And since I don't know what the heck is happening in this thread for now, I'll post this up.

Do note that my character (here and in the link) have now character theme songs! evil grin

  • Name: Segen * Amit Valeza
  • Age: 28 (Going to be 29 in a few months)
  • Personality: Proud of his Filipino and Israeli heritage, Amit is an interesting character since he has lived in both the Philippines and Israel, having a chance to be immersed in both of their cultures. Unfortunately, he has fallen victim to discrimination when he was bullied due to his heritage. Even though Amit gets into fights a lot in his high school days, Amit is portrayed to be the victim of such cases even though he tells the authorities that he doesn't want any of their pity. He loves his mother dearly that Amit decided to return with her to the Philippines after his father passed away. Amit is * a perfectionist that he strives to be one, due to his successful record with Shayetet 13, the Israeli Navy's special forces unit. Amit is an eager volunteer to get into a combat operation, which makes many wonder if Amit is a warfreak or something of a similar nature. Though he denies it and insists that he volunteers because he can put the skills he learned in Shayetet 13 into good use. In his trainer days with the Philippine Navy, he is seen to be a nasty drill sergeant, which is from his days in Shayetet 13 since it's one of the toughest Sayeret units to get into.
  • Abilities: Due to his time with the Israeli Defense Forces *, Amit is familiar with handling small arms, CQC and special forces tactics. He is also fluent in speaking English, Hebrew and Tagalog fluently. Amit can drive all land vehicles, but the Filipino-Israeli is more proficient in handling motorcycles when Amit had additional joint training to handle motorcycles in urban areas under the Israeli Police's Special Police Unit * aside from what he learned from the navy. Amit is seen most of the time using motorcycles as his personal mode of transport more than the cars provided by NCTAG.
  • Weaknesses: Since Amit is 100% human, he has little chance of living another day when he engages against a person who is fully cyberized unless weapons that can kill cyborgs are used. He tends to simply fight by bringing the offensive to the enemy, even though he is advised against doing it due to the possibility of either civilians or teammates being hurt or killed unless a good strategy is planned out. Also tries to put his perfectionist thoughts to the team, which is due to his success rate with Shayetet 13, which sometimes lead to inconsideration of the others when planning for an op.
  • Goals:
    • Spend time with his Filipino mother after leaving the Israeli Navy.
    • To make sure his "boss" on the field doesn't do anything stupid to get himself killed.
    • To serve and protect the people living in a post-cyberpunk Philippines.
    • Train prospective Philippine Navy commandos in his off-duty hours.
  • Motivation: Amit joined up with the NCTAG's elite anti-crime/terrorist unit after moving back to Manila from Tel Aviv to do something to contribute to his mother's native country, since he felt that he did a lot in the Israeli Army. He joined the unit at first as a means of getting a job and income in the Philippines, which was easy for him due to his special forces experience. But he learned to appreciate being a special agent for NCTAG as time passes.
  • Role in the story: Amit serves as the second-in-command of the NCTAG's elite anti-crime/terrorist unit, effectively making him the Lancer alongside Mark Chen.
  • Backstory: Amit is the son of an Israeli father (Military attaché at Israeli embassy) and a Filipino mother (A housewife). He was known then as Amit Eilat, he was born in Makati when his father was posted for a few years at the Israeli Embassy with dual citizenship. First learning English and Tagalog, Amit moved to Tel Aviv with his family when his father's time in his embassy post was complete, where he eventually learned to speak fluent Hebrew. Amit signed up at the age of 17 with parental consent to be conscripted into the Israeli military. He joined up with the Israeli Navy with the rank of Rav Turai * and spent three years with the desire of entering Shayetet 13, being a prestigious special forces unit while he advanced through the ranks. A family friend suggested to Amit that he needed to prepare himself physically and mentally to ensure his success in finishing Gibush without any failures. Amit then participated in Yom Sayorot when he was a Rav Samal Mitkadem * and did well before he was offered a place in Gibush Shayetet, which he passed with success. He entered Shayetet 13 when he turned 20, where he spent his military service while Amit worked through the ranks once more. Amit participated in several Shayetet 13 ops both in Israel and abroad, with a few of them under several UN peacekeeping missions (with a few S13 war operations remaining classified). Prior to becoming a commissioned officer, Amit studied at the Haim Laskov Officer Candidate School in the Negev Desert. Amit left S13 with the rank of Segen a few weeks after his father died of natural causes. He made the decision to move back with his mother to the Philippines, leaving his adopted homeland behind. Prior to joining the NCTAG's anti-crime/terrorist unit, the Philippine Navy recruited him to help train prospective Naval Special Warfare Group commandos. Amit still assists NAVSOG in training prospective commandos in his off-duty hours. There are rumors suggesting that Amit is a nasty drill instructor in weeding out NAVSOG commandos who are unfit for special forces duty. He changed his name from Amit Eilat to Amit Valeza as a means of being close of his mom.
  • Relevant Tropes:
    • Attack! Attack! Attack!: A usual suggestion for Amit whenever the unit is tasked to go after a criminal or terrorist for arrest/detention when the suggestion would work when the team would expect to be in a gunfight. Sometimes goes to Running Gag since the CO/Mark will usually shoot down his suggestion. This is due to his special forces experience in dealing with terrorist plots or from his time in the war, which is resolved by bringing the fight to the enemy before Israel could be attacked.
    • Badass Israeli: To be expected of Amit.
    • But Not Too Foreign: Product of an Israeli father and Filipino mother. Amit has most of his looks due to his mother, with his brown eye color from his father.
    • Cool Bike: Amit owns and uses a 2017 BMW R1200R as his main mode of transport, whether at work or off-duty, wiht a Sapphire Black Metallic finish.
    • Cool Guns: Armed with a FN Five-seven MK2 pistol.
    • Combat Pragmatist: Like Mark, Amit applies this when fighting against armored bad guys, including those who used military/black market-made prosthetics to commit criminal/terrorist activities.
    • Determinator: He is this from his time in Shayetet 13.
    • Don't You Dare Pity Me!: How Amit deals with the bullying problem by taking it on himself. However, it doesn't go his way.
    • Drives Like Crazy: Considering that Amit uses a motorcycle for everything, including intercepting armed bad guys on foot/on vehicles and shooting them up after being shot at usually. *
    • Drill Sergeant Nasty: How most of the prospective NAVSOG commandos see him as.
    • Israelis with Infrared Missiles: Amit served in the Israeli military prior to returning back to the Philippines to be with his mom. Specifically, with the Navy's Shayetet 13.
    • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Amit is this, going through discrimination by some Israelis due to his heritage. He got into fights because of bullying and from racism, which lead to his jerk-like status before and after he left the military. Mark and the others try to help Amit come out of it though. Amit still cares for his mother and his immediate family, as well for Mark's welfare after hearing about the disastrous SAF raid.
    • Meaningful Name: Amit means "A friend" in Hebrew.
    • Momma's Boy: Some has teased him for this, but Amit won't have any of it since his mom is his only immediate living relative left after his father passed away of natural causes.
    • Nice Hat: Usually sports a Shayetet 13 ballcap (When on-duty/training with NAVSOG) or a toque (when off-duty).
    • Omniglot: Amit speaks English, Hebrew and Tagalog fluently.
    • The Lancer: His role to Mark Chen's The Hero, especially since the latter wants to take down True Anonymous for what they did to his SAF unit.
  • Theme Song:

edited 21st May '13 2:27:20 AM by Ominae

"Exit muna si Polgas. Ang kailangan dito ay si Dobermaxx!"
Omit's character: pretty cool, I don't see much problems with it. I looking foward on how it'll be made into the story.

Magnum's character: If you handle the turn from anti-villain to anti-hero in the story (no plotholes), she could be a good character.

In addition to mine:

  • Motivation: At first almost nothing, but after joining The Brotherhood (a secret society in my universe) she helps the protagonist. Later she wants himto stop his vigilatism and self-destruction, even if he needs to leave his country. She also wants to being closer with him, but our protagonist has his long-lost lover, this awakes her yandere tendencies. After her failed suicide (she's nearly immortal), she changes a lot.
  • Weaknesses: Her regeneration skills has many flaws. It's a bit slow, painful, if she suffers a fatal damage she can die, also it's drains her powers. She also refuses to kill even if it's neccesary, this causes troubles to her and her teammates, if she accidentally kills someone she gets shocked and depressed. Due her albinism she gets sunburns a lot.
207 ironcommando12th May 2013 12:36:15 AM from Terra 102 , Relationship Status: Abstaining
Not really about a hero, but of an ability. Many of my heroes (and villains) in my universe can use this ability. I need to know how broken it is.

How broken would a Thought-Controlled Power be for a magic user? The character doesn't need to do any incantations or gestures or stuff, they need to put their mind to it enough and bam! Instant spell cast.

This only works for weaker spells, stronger ones would need an Energy Ball Hand Blast and stuff. There's also the Required Secondary Power of spatial reasoning, in order for the character to cast the spell in the correct place.

(The enemies they fight have powers that do not require gestures as well- they "execute" a program that causes a similar effect as a magic spell)

edited 19th Aug '13 11:34:09 PM by ironcommando

Ironcommando: This has a very good potential in it, but if misused it'll give the feel that the person is cheating.

In my universe some characters does have this kind of power activation. Eg. the hero can set on fire things just concentrating at the target and not using anything else (alrought it needs time depend on the distance, the inflamibility of the object, and the speed if it's moving), while most of his other powers require Rule of Cool moments.

Also if pulled out right it could be used for tactics, like in my universe.
209 TheMuse14th May 2013 04:24:54 AM , Relationship Status: Browsing the selection

  • Name: Evan Fare
  • Age: 49
  • Personality: He is known for being a good leader and fighter. He is very determined to achieve his goals and can be very stubborn about it. He is capable of making friends easily among people who share his interests, but it takes a very long for one to reach a level of emotional intimacy with him. He is very loyal to his family, even his wife, whom he has a strong sense of duty towards, despite the fact he feels little (romantic) affection towards her. Activities he enjoys are rarely complicated; drinking and hanging out, athletics, he even enjoys the occasional spirited debate.
  • Abilities: Has been formally trained for combat, also has several years of experience in various leadership roles. Received some education in a setting where very few people are formally educated.
  • Weaknesses: He tends to ignore and postpone dealing with problems that don't have direct relevance to his present task, which can lead (and does) to some serious problems. His literacy skills are quite lacking due to a reading disability. He can be very stubborn, and sometimes treats people he meets callously before he gets to know them. He isn't particularly 'book smart.' He is terrified of showing weakness to others, which leads to him getting 'emotionally constipated' and other problems at least once.
  • Goals: To win the war against the Evil Empire and to maintain his status as a well respected leader of the resistance's army
Motivation: He wants to keep his family safe and fears of moving down in society
  • Role in the story: A main character who isn’t introduced until slightly later in the story. Gets a few of his own character arcs.
  • Backstory: He was raised by two highly devout parents, whose personal/religious beliefs (as well as those in his surroundings) dictated that intellectual pursuits were of utmost importance and that practice of other ‘lower pursuits’ (such as hard labour, athletics and such) were below their station and socially unacceptable. During education as a child, it quickly became apparent he had a reading disability (at the time, he mostly chalked it up to 'not being normal') In this setting, medical/etc. knowledge wasn't developed enough to the point that it would be recognized or treated effectively, so he was treated as if he was an idiot and was bullied by his peers. He channeled his abilities into other areas, mostly physical dexterity and combat related skills. In his teens expressed a desire to join the military, but his parents were displeased, but made the exception that he could if he took a job where he worked in strategy and leadership roles. He began to be educated for this and did quite well, with the exception of tasks that required literacy. The times when these were necessary, for the most part, were minimal; so he passed these courses by bribing others to do his coursework for him.
    • Shortly after he completed his education, at the age of 19, his parents married him off in an Arranged Marriage. He stopped formally practicing his parents' religion shortly after that. The marriage wasn't particularly successful, but they had four children (who are all adults/late teens as of the beginning of the story) He became the head military organizer in his region and was assigned a young assistant, Thomas, who was intended to assist him in organization and other tasks. He soon realized that he could assist him in tasks that involved reading and writing, and, to this day, Thomas is the only one who knows of his disability, and has also became one of his closest friends.
Relevant Tropes:
  • A Father to His Men
  • Arranged Marriage: ended up in one of these marriages as a young man. It's since hit the Relationship Ceiling.
  • Book Dumb:
  • Broken Ace: At first glance, he appears to be an extremely successful father, husband, warrior and military leader. But he actually has his fair share of problems and mostly puts up this front to avoid showing vulnerability.
  • Heterosexual Life-Partners: He and Thomas have this kind of relationship (despite the fact that Thomas is gay and there may be some hints that their relationship could grow into something not platonic)
  • Jerk Ass With A Heart Of Gold
  • Klingon Scientists Get No Respect: He grew up in a society where non-intellectuals were looked down upon.
  • Never Learned to Read: a complicated subversion. He was taught to read as a child, but it didn't stick very well, due to the difficulties caused by his Dyslexia. He usually is in situations where he can avoid it, but if necessary, he can read/write up to a moderately difficult level, but much slower than the average (educated, literate) person and with much difficulty
  • Obfuscating Disability: inverted. He goes to a lot of trouble to ensure that no one knows that he has a reading disability.
  • Oblivious to Love: Through almost the entirety of the work, he is unaware that his assistant, Thomas, is in love with him.
  • Parents Are People: He tries his best to be a good father, but he does have problems such as unconsciously favoring one child over the other and also being a human being
  • Parental Favoritism: he favors one of his sons over the other, mostly due to the fact that his favorite son is a Hot-Blooded Bad Ass, while the other one is The Stoic and a Genius Bruiser, Nice Guy who he shares few interests with. He eventually gets called out on it.
  • Polyamory: a complicated case. He and his wife are in a situation where essentially the only reason they are still married is for the sake of their younger children and the fact that divorce is somewhat taboo in this setting. He sleeps with other women outside his marriage (no romantic attachments though and he tends to avoid penetrative sex, to prevent getting ST Is or having bastard children) and his wife already assumes this and accepts it. His wife seeks relationships outside the marriage as well, except they are rarely sexual, due to the fact that giving birth to a bastard child while you have a husband would be extremely looked down upon in this setting.
  • Real Men Hate Affection / Men Don't Cry: was raised to believe this and his behavior often reflects it. Gets deconstructed HARD when he hits a Heroic B.S.O.D. and completely breaks down
  • Sexless Marriage: a subversion. He and his wife rarely sleep in the same bed (mostly to do with the fact he needs to travel frequently for his work) and rarely have sex anymore (and when they do, it's mostly to keep his wife satisfied) and is usually Ikea Erotica more than anything else.
  • Street Smart
  • "Well Done, Son!" Guy: It’s not a defining aspect of his character but the fact that he was never able to make his parents happy still lingers as some insecuirity
210 TheMuse15th May 2013 01:06:33 PM , Relationship Status: Browsing the selection

edited 17th May '13 6:35:08 AM by TheMuse

211 TheMuse17th May 2013 06:35:17 AM , Relationship Status: Browsing the selection
Hey, could someone please look over my filled out template? :) Thanks

212 Gaon17th May 2013 11:20:53 PM from Grim Up North , Relationship Status: Above such petty unnecessities
I liked how your character dealt with his disability, and to imagine a man with dyslexia in such a high and important post in the military, and how he'd deal with it, seems to be story that deserves to be told.

On criticisms, I'd say he lacks something. I don't know what, he lacks something to give him a stronger character. Some flair or extra spice, some extra trait.

Nonetheless, a interesting character with story potential.

And now for my newest hero [not protagonist, hero]:

Name: Pope Julius IV [real name Alberti Figlioulo], "The Lion Of Rome"

Age: 72. Badass Grandpa all the way.

Personality: Julius IV is a devout catholic [well, duh] who is remarkably Hot-Blooded for the pope, constantly shouting, gesturing wildly and practicing Brutal Honesty towards his catholic peers. He is fond of making biblical metaphors and analysis [being the Pope, he obviously knows the bible].

Julius is mostly a energetic and friendly man in person, treating people from all religions as equals and always vividly trying to solve the world's plight. He is, however, absolutely adamant on his worldviews: If he thinks you are wrong, he will brutally tell you. No euphemisms with his Pope.

Julius' more promient trait is how he is willing to protect people with his actual fists and army [he has a papal army in this 'verse].

Abilities: Despite his age [or maybe because of it], Julius is a Master Swordsman and a excellent strategist, leading his armies in person to battle. His personal charisma also inspires his troops frequently.

His bombastic manner of speaking also makes him a excellent orator.

Weaknesses: Being Hot-Blooded is not such a good thing in the game of politics; he often makes rash decisions because of poor impulse control. As you can expect, he isn't so good at manipulation because of his Brutal Honesty [which is a problem, when his main foe is The Sky Baron].

He also never compromises, not even in the face of apocalypse. Which also cripples his political game, forcing him to rely on sheer force alone.

Goals: To bring The Sky Baron's empire to a halt [Word of note: The Baron is based on Josef Stalin. This is the size of the problem here].

Less specifically, to strengthen christiandom [his actual job as the Pope] and the world.

Motivation: Altruism, sense of national duty [only in the case, the nation is christianity].

Role in the story: He's the Big Good to the Sky Baron's Big Bad, the overwhelming force of good helping the heroes, but never too directly [as he has, y'know, a church to run]

Backstory: Well his backstory doesn't have anything interesting in it: A young italian lad who became a priest in his youth, and climbed the ranks until he became Cardinal. While he was a cardinal, The Great Offscreen War [think WWI] broke out, and he watched with horror as the Church was powerless to stop it. After the war ended, Julius was elected as the Pope [as his predecessor had a Death by Despair], since in this world all unified nations fell [and now city-states are the rule], he re-militarized the Catholic Church to keep these city-states in check so they won't destroy each other.

Then, he found out about The Sky Baron. Cue problems.

Relevant Tropes:

edited 17th May '13 11:21:17 PM by Gaon

213 VampocalypseNow18th May 2013 12:11:07 PM , Relationship Status: Above such petty unnecessities
I'm down with a combination of Ned Stark, BRIANBLESSED and Winston Churchill.

More seriously, I do like the character, especially in contrast to the Baron. It almost seems a shame that they won't be the main focus, unless you're going for the whole 'keep the major players mysterious' angle, which I can get behind. I have no real criticisms, although if it was my character, I would probably play up his more unorthodox qualities and how other people in power react to it.

  • Name: Colonel James 'Jim' Carver
  • Age: 76
  • Personality: Misanthropic and prone to stupid jokes and cynical monologues. Good with kids, although won't hesitate to call his beloved (adopted) daughter a moron to her face.
  • Abilities: Earth wizard, which gives him super strength (which he uses a lot) and the ability to move large quantities of soil (which he never uses). Good with firearms, especially pistols. Good at close quarters combat, especially fist-fighting. Non-combat skills include playing cards, guitar and Fighting Games.
  • Weaknesses: Violent misanthrope, which makes him bad at diplomacy and negotiations. Foul-mouthed, alcoholic chain-smoker. Disrespectful of authority.
  • Goals: Investigate vampire attacks (which turns into stop the vampocalypse), train his charges, raise his two newly-adopted daughters
  • Motivation: Originally out of boredom, eventually gains some Morality Pets, which makes him a bit more compassionate
  • Role in the story: Starts of as The Hero, although other characters take this role later and he ends up as The Obi-Wan (He may spend some time as the Big Good. It has yet to be decided.)
  • Backstory: (Takes place in the fictional island of Nova Anglica.) At 16, Jim joined a group of anarchists. A few years later, the group attacked and isolated a town from the reach of the government. After a period of chaos and turbulence, Jim helped the nearby army take the town, in exchange for a pardon and a place in the army. He has spent 60 years alone in a kind of semi-retirement, not officially stationed anywhere, but taking jobs that are offered to him out of boredom. The story starts with him investigating a series of vampire attacks that he thinks are connected, and the general offering him three 16-year-olds to help, and to fulfill a government obligation
  • Relevant Tropes:

edited 19th May '13 2:41:23 PM by VampocalypseNow

"Words, they're all we have to go on." Guildenstern, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
214 JewelyJ19th May 2013 07:49:46 PM from A state in the USA
Sounds interesting. I like how you balanced antihero traits with traits that softened him up. It's important not to let your antihero become to 'anti' or people will start hating him and siding with his enemies. But you know where to draw lines and keep him likable. That's impressive.


Name: Elliott Skyler "Skye" Stryke Jr. Age: 13 going on 14 at the beginning of the story, turns 14 around middle. Personality:

First of all Skye is protective. He's protective of those he cares about most like his family and his brother. Sometimes this can make him overbearing to someone he's protecting. It can also blind him to rationality and cause him to make highly irrational choices, like keeping an important incident in his brother's life a secret.

He also holds himself to responsibility and accountability with his parents. He genuinely adores and looks up to his father and wants to be a good son, but never feels like he's good enough. He regrets being as he sees himself a "spoiled brat" as a young child and he blames himself for an incident that contributed to the loss of one of his brothers, which is part of why he protects his younger brother so much. He was bullied emotionally by his older half brother Dex. Dex made him feel so guilty over his family's loss that he repressed the memory.

Skye finds it annoying to stick out and does his best to fade into the crowd. He keeps to himself and holds everyone at a distance who aren't family. Part of this is his power and keeping his family secret -the powers- safe. He keeps himself at a distance so that he doesn't risk hurting his family-even hesitating to use his power to save his life, because another person is watching. He also doesn't want to let himself be emotionally tied to people and hurt by them. Dex hurt him a lot and Skye is still afraid of him and a part of him still cares what Dex would think of who he grew up to be.

Abilities: Skye is very athletic, from being on the soccer team. He can run long distances and keep going for a surprising about of time. He is unusually durable being a Psi. He is also very perseverant being able to pull through a situation by remembering that others are counting on him. He also has telekinetic powers which are tied to his emotions. When they're intense, he can be scary.

Weaknesses: He has a lone wolf attitude and a tendency to try to "deal with things all on his own". His reluctance at letting people in is a mix of a fear of hurting them and a fear of being hurt. He has a phobia of crowds due to the incident with his brother. He has a hard time controlling his telekinetic powers and gets headaches whenever he uses them due to being out of practice. his powers are also tied to his emotions and thus become out of control when he's angry. He holds grudges and sometimes has a very black and white view of things. Also sometimes when it comes to protecting his brother he can be a bit irrational.

Goals: Keep himself and his family and friends safe in the oncoming feuding that's started again.

Motivation: Protection. Skye is dedicated to keeping his loved ones safe. He also wants the Toyakas to be put to justice for his parents' deaths. Role in the story: When he is sent to live with his paternal grandparents he starts investigating the Toyakas with his cousin , he eventually ends up breaking into Dex's office at night to get proof that Dex is responsible. The events after start the dominoe chain that leads to the old feud picking up again.

Backstory: Skye's father, the son of a man who headed one of the oldest Psi families, the Stryke family, left his sociopathic arranged wife. He found someone else and had a son (Skye) . They were happy for awhile, until Elliott Sr's firstborn son was sent to live with them.

Relevant Tropes: BECAUSE THIS IS TV TROPES DAMN IT!! (Sorry, forgot to change the template fully

edited 23rd May '13 10:43:54 AM by JewelyJ

215 JimmyTMalice1st Jun 2013 12:10:26 PM from Ironforge , Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
[up] Seems like a good character. I can see you've thought a lot about his motivation. Can't say I'm fond of the name Skye, though.

I may have already posted in this thread, but I'm not sure.

Name: Thomas Merriweather

Age: 22

Personality: Quiet and studious. Doesn't enjoy being thrust into an adventure, and simply wants to get it over with and get back to studying the science of magic further.

Abilities: Mainly light-manipulation (heliomancy, to use the butchered technical term). Freaking laser beams, blinding flashes, illusions.

Weaknesses: Know-it-all, somewhat arrogant, lack of empathy, inexperienced in combat

Goals: Basically just wants to go back to his (relatively) normal life.

Motivation: Mentor is Stuffed into the Fridge, forced into prophecised role.

Role in the story: Somewhat of an audience surrogate, but he's also The Chosen One because of his unusual inheritance. Killing him is key to the Big Bad's plan.

Backstory: An orphan who joined the Arcane Institute after learning that he could become a sorcerer. Yes, it's rather clichéd, but there is a justification for it that would be too much of a spoiler to go into.

Relevant Tropes:

edited 1st Jun '13 12:12:47 PM by JimmyTMalice

"Steel wins battles. Gold wins wars."
216 NickTheSwing1st Jun 2013 07:17:58 PM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
[up] Seems kind of...I dunno, thin. Standard. Like I'm seeing a demo of how to write a basic hero. Try to...hmm, how to say this, add more flavor to him. He seems rather vague and without very much uniqueness.

As you said yourself; "I know it sounds rather cliched". A lot of that character seems like a cliche.

  • Name: Johnson Viandas

  • Age: 15

  • Personality: Johnson is a very, very curt young man, and is basically the opposite of Matthew, hero of my other work running in the same time frame, in some ways. Johnson is irreverent and snarky, preferring to be witty and upbeat in the chaotic world he was born into. He can seem cold and detached at times, while at others rushing into battle with a dark enjoyment few can match. He can be a very callous person, preferring to tell people straight to their face what he thinks of them rather than sugarcoat it or lie. He believes strongly in being cruel in order to be kind, believing that lying to preserve someone's feelings is actually the most damaging thing you could ever do to them. "Never live inside a lie. No matter how you wish for it, that lie can never become the truth." He seems to have a "Hedgehog's Dilemma" as the story begins, having difficulty trusting anyone beyond the few people in his mercenary troop who have gotten to know him. He believes his father, The Emperor, to be his Arch-Enemy, and will stop at nothing to bring him down....until love entered the equation, in the form of a girl he inadvertently rescued at the very beginning. Johnson is actually quite a Tsundere, constantly acting "Tsun Tsun" toward his love interest, the seemingly normal village girl Meena...until she stays by him long enough. He even actually says "I-I just need you to pay me. I-I'm not doing this because I like you or anything..." He is still a very teenage boy, being capable of astounding awkwardness and insecurity, even though he seems mature for his age. He also has very, very complicated issues regarding Caelan. He desperately wants to bring Caelan back to his senses, even though he knows Caelan is now the "Blood-stained Fallen Angel of Vice". He mixes genuine desire to see Caelan returned to normal, and wanting vengeance on him so thoroughly that Johnson himself isn't entirely sure what he wants. Apparently, Caelan taught him swordsmanship, rescued him when he was a child, and recruited him into his first mercenary band. Johnson is also starting to grow into being a rather magnetic hero, despite efforts by an already-jealous Caelan to make him into a "pure berserker."

  • Abilities: He is at first a Badass Normal, wielding the Anti-Magic sword Blackiron Triangle, which well, resembles a long triangular blade coming up out of an octogon. However, Johnson also discovers he is capable of channeling his own type of magic through Blackiron Triangle, a supposed impossibility. Mostly, these take the form of Sword Beam's, and blasts of air pressue imbued with Mana. He has a special power sealed inside him. What Caelan became through trickery and sacrifice, Johnson is naturally. He is called a Supremacie, or a "Ten'ou" on Earth. This means he has tremendous internal Mana, the ability to naturally create and control External Mana, and quickly use incredibly powerful, normally complicated spells.

  • Weaknesses: His strongest powers are all Eleventh Hour Super Power's, his Sword Spells are mostly able to be used once or twice in a fight. And he's still, you know, a young teenager at the start, meaning he cannot swing around that big freaking sword so easily. In fact, after fights, he frequently suffers a lot of pain from pulled or torn muscles, requiring a healer to treat him. Though this one fades after the three year timeskip.

  • Goals: He wants to 1) bring his father down. 2) Stop / Take vengeance on Caelan somehow. 3) Punch out as many A God Am I villains causing trouble as he can.

  • Motivation: He was helpless and unable to do anything but watch from beginning to end as Caelan transmuted everyone he knew into Mana, using that to ascend to Godhood. Before that, he saw what his father was doing to stop the Phoebononians and other threats.

  • Role in the story: Byronic Hero and Protagonist.

  • Backstory: Johnson started leading a very cozy, coddled life, learning how to be the heir to his father, the only hint of the world outside being the occasionally present Court Jester Ein Woe, but even Ein was mostly Laughably Evil. However, one day, Johnson was led down to the outlying tower by a "shadow thing" who told him that there was something Fredrick wasn't telling him, and that this Tower "contains all of the world's evil". He opened the door and stumbled into a horror show. Half-Demonic servitors creating the various monsters that were helping Fredrick oppose Caelan. Often through utterly repulsive ways, and this being one of the scenes in the reimagination where nothing is parodied. We see exactly how horrified Johnson was. He then sees his father's "true form", and runs away from home, almost completely broken, even as his father tried to explain or rationalize, Johnson interpreting his father's running after him as his father wanting to eat him. Johnson was rescued by Caelan in the midst of a swamp outside Acturia City, and from then on, he was almost emotionally dependent on Caelan's charisma, smile, laugh, and guidance. And then as they trained and became strong together, things...happened. Caelan was not a popular man with Fredrick. Johnson was helpless but to watch as Caelan was abducted, and returned...simply not the same. Shortly after, Caelan used the Daemon's Core, and transmuted his comrades - sans Johnson due to his Supreme Core - into Mana he used to "ascend". Ever since that day, Johnson has searched for a way to "un-ascend Caelan", or a way to fight him. He joined a new mercenary troop devoting to Demon Slaying, beginning to forge new friendships and a new lease on life. While others would've become a nihilist, Johnson outright rejected nihilism. "So what if this world's half empty? So what if there's havoc and chaos everywhere? I say fuck that. Accepting that the world is what it is and not trying to change anything...that's the same as surrender, and that word doesn't exist in my dictionary."

  • Relevant Tropes:
  • Anti-Nihilist: One of his berserk buttons is people either claiming Godhood or making a nihilistic rant. His Shut Up, Hannibal! usually consists of stabbing the person with his sword.
  • Badass Boast
    • "Alright, lets see which of you guys shivering in your boots wants to meet your maker first!" -sticks out his middle finger and then uses it to do a bring it on motion-
    • (to Cal Maynes) "You're close to God, huh? Well, I'll send you right to his side, you fucking lunatic!!"
    • (to Baron Greima) "Huh, the only monster I see here is you, and you know what I do to monsters, right? I chop them right the fuck up!"
  • Blood Knight: He really likes fighting, to the extent that if he gets bored, he'll go pick a fight in a bar.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: To almost comical levels at times, he is even at one point asked why he has such a foul mouth, for a "noble son".
  • Crazy Awesome: His plans are usually crazy, over the top, and frankly bizarre. One of them involved a lot of beer, three elephants and an imp.
  • Cruel to Be Kind: He often does cruel or callous things...most often to motivate people to do something the right way by way of negative role model, or if he thinks they need someone to be a bit frank with them.
  • Deadpan Snarker: He tends to point out the more ridiculous One-Winged Angel forms, the paper thin disguises, and other ridiculous things. He has some of the best, funniest lines in the entire book. Its almost like he knows he's in Dark Fantasy, and that "I know that whatever the hell's behind this door is gonna be gruesome, disgusting shit...oh hell, I'm opening it" -opens door and sees disgusting fetal abominations rushing at him, quickly slams door shut "Well that's another memory I'm gonna be repressing...repressing...there, gone, thank goodness."
  • Demon Slaying: Its a business, and it keeps him moving toward his goals. He actually has nothing against demons, but everything against "Monsters".
  • The Determinator: He is incredibly determined, and is very resolute, not about to give up, not even to a nihilistic "this world sucks" mentality.
  • Did You Just Smack the Ascended God of Fate Silly and Then Disintegrate Him?
  • Distracted by the Sexy: Happens to him a lot. He is a teenager, remember?
  • Do You Want to Copulate?: Played With. He's frank as usual about this "So, you wanna fuck or not?" Though if someone actually takes him up on that, he's oddly shy about his sexuality.
  • Eleventh Hour Super Power: His Supreme Core was sealed by his father, due to how risky that power is. He actually unlocks it himself during his final battle with Caelan. It turns a battle Caelan was winning overwhelmingly into a complete curbstomp on Caelan. He seals it back up afterwards. To put this in perspective, he did things not even Caelan was able to do. His jumps are punctuated by huge sonic booms, he can fly with the aid of two vaguely wing-like energy streams from his shoulders. He is covered in grey energy that functions as armor. When viewed by a Sensor character, he's impossibly bright. And Blackiron Triangle is in its true form, Valdafard the Holy Sword, every swing resulting in massive energy waves and over the top blasts. Too bad indeed that it got sealed back up...
  • Heroic Build: A slight version. He is quite muscular, but again, he's young, so he's not very bulky. After the time skip, though, he's taller, more muscular, and went from "between boyish and handsome" to "just plain handsome".
  • Magnetic Hero: He is developing some very real people skills, and good charisma. At one point, he makes an army of demons and an army of humans stop, in a world where both races have a lot of Fantastic Racism against one another, and then join forces against the Phoebononian Incursion, via Rousing Speech.
  • My God, What Have I Done?: Asks this a lot after he finds out that his father Fredrick wasn't the Big Bad, and Ser Claiomh wasn't The Dragon, and that he just spectacularly played into Caelan's hands, namely, that disabling - nay, crippling - Fredrick's Mana Storm form was all Caelan needed to massacre an entire city to a man. Its one of a few times when Johnson's really, really rattled and about to collapse. While they were far from innocent of any crime, defeating them had allowed Caelan to do far worse to people they were actually protecting the whole time.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: The above incident. Caelan played Johnson like a fiddle in the guise of a close friend again. YOU BASTARD, CAELAN!
    • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: But by all means, congrats on fixing Johnson afterwards by kidnapping his love interest, giving him the motivation to keep going, and unseal his powers, and beat the snot clean out of you. Good going, Caelan.
  • Red Baron: "The Black-Clad Prince", "Manslayer", and "Demon-Sword".
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Johnson has a very colorful vocabulary. He even shouts at Zachaia once, "Go crawl in a cunt and die, fuckin' bitch!"
  • Warrior Prince
  • The Woobie / Iron Woobie: Johnson has been through a lot. Is he going to whine? Is he gonna go emo and mope? "HELL NO! I'm fighting fate to the day I keel over."
  • Other:
    • Some of his best lines:
  • "Look, I know creativity might not be encouraged in demonic schools, but really? Tentacle Monster, again!? What the fuck? Can you turn into anything else? Really, anything else would be good. This is the 8th tentacle monster I've fought this week!"
  • -opens door, sees Demon Worshiper Orgy- "Well, shit. This always happens to me, doesn't it? And I suppose if I open any other door, I'll see something just as fucked up?"
  • -opens door in other mansion, sees same group from above- "Well, small world, isn't it?" -slams door shut-
  • -one evil torturer priest in Cal's employ, treated as if he's perfectly normal otherwise, is a dolphin-guy with cube-shaped body parts and wearing a purple robe- "What am I looking at? Seriously, I've fought demons, eldritch sea food surprise, and et cetera, and this is the weirdest shit I've seen all day. Do none of you people see what's wrong with this guy?"

edited 7th Jun '13 5:12:52 PM by NickTheSwing

217 Insano24th Jun 2013 08:39:33 PM from At my laptop, refusing to waste time , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
Mad Pinoy
[up]An...interesting character, to say the least. Partially crazed, with an intriguing personal outlook on existence in his kind of world. This Johnson character could be a really well-liked character as long as you present him properly.

Okay, my turn.

  • Name: Joshua, The Traveler Agathos, Divinity of Virtue

  • Age: Early 30s Non-applicable, existed before time.

  • Personality: Joshua is a quiet, humble man. He is generally known by people who know or simply meet him as one of the kindest and wisest people they have ever met. He is always willing to lend a helping hand, and he will never abandon a friend in need. That said, Joshua is far from naive or stupid, able to outsmart his opponents and recognize ploys. He is very good at reading people's intentions and inner thoughts, almost as if he's known that person their whole life. He has a sharp sense of humor, responding to insults with wit and occasional sarcasm. Despite his compassion, Joshua has little tolerance for evil. While he can forgive those trapped by habit, circumstance, or who have simply made a mistake, he can't stand those who have no thought to redeem themselves. That said, he always tries to appeal to a person's inner decency, no matter how far buried it is under their outer evil. And when an evildoer expresses genuine regret, Joshua is quick to forgive and pick that person up. But to those who have no thought for redemption, he expresses pity and disappointment in them.

  • Abilities: Joshua has an almost supernatural charisma about himself and he appears knowledgeable about the goings-on of the world. As God, he is basically omnipotent and can use magic to an unlimited degree.

  • Weaknesses: Joshua is but a regular human with little combat training aside from using his staff, and can be killed like any other.

  • Goals: Travel to the Red Lake, strengthen resistance the Empire of the First Family, Give magic to the rest of humanity in order to resist evil.

  • Motivation: He's just tired of watching the world suffer due to human arrogance. He also wants to give mankind the power to resist evil for themselves and save the world.

  • Role in the story: Big Good, The Obi-Wan, Cool Teacher, Team Dad, The Leader, Enigmatic Empowering Entity, Sacrificial Lion, Spirit Advisor, Chooser Of The One, and Messianic Archetype

  • Backstory: The Companions don't know very much about The Traveler, aside from that he was a carpenter from a very small town with only his mother to look after since his father died. He now asks them to accompany him to the Red Lake on the Western Continent, as it will apparently bring an end to the Empire. In actuality, Joshua is Agathos, Divinity of Virtue and creator of the world. Born to a virgin and her betrothed, Joshua grew into a man who one day realized the mission he was born to fulfill. When his earthly father died, Joshua departed from his mother and his hometown with only the clothes on his back and his walking stick. With his Companions by his side, he will stop at nothing to fulfill his journey.

  • Relevant Tropes:

edited 27th Jun '13 10:27:09 PM by Insano

Allurand and surrounding world loading, 28%...
I am not exactly the right person to ask. It's obvious that Joshua is a Christ figure. Why did you leave the personality out? Is he meant to be blank slate or you simply haven't decided yet?

Name: Svetlana Reska

Age: Late teens to early twenties. Personality: Is extremely reckless and usually only realizes the danger when it's too late to avoid. She often disrespects rules an authority for the sake of it. Gets bored very easily. Has a set of personal morals for which she rather die than go against them. Unless she's under the demonic spores influence then she loses most inhibition. She is prone to quickly fly into a violent rage. Has some very strange beliefs.

Abilities: Is miasma sensitive can track down most demons. She is capable of physically fighting to a minor extent. Can create visual illusions and intense bursts of light of varying degrees. If the spore is activated her physical strength increases tenfold, the spore can modify her body to a small extent. Can return disembodied souls, overtime she gains the ability to control them.

Weaknesses: Is far too impulsive. Will go after opponents who she has no chance of beating and is too proud to flee. If her spore is activated she start acting animalistic and loses the ability to think logically. The spore will continue fighting despite serious injuries making them worse.

Goals: At first to beat back boredom. Latter to prove herself worthy to Jela. Towards the end she wants to get back on Jela for manipulating her. Role: The protagonist. The main plot is about her rivalry with her own mentor Jela.

Relevant Tropes: Is a Blood knight although she won't admit it.

Leeroy Jenkins obviously.

Demon slaying despite the fact she's more of a bait. Jela does the actual slaying.

Sealed evil in a person shaped can: The demonic spore is slowly adapting her body to house the dark god Cernohlav. Its slightly subverted because the spore itself is not evil its sole physical presence is playing into the big bad's hands. The spore really wants to regain part of its soul and no one will get in it's way. When it succeeds it goes against the villains.

Strange girl.

Nice job breaking it hero: When fighting Echo she allows the spore to surface. It turns out Echo controls the spore...

edited 26th Jun '13 5:27:54 AM by Mora

219 Insano26th Jun 2013 11:27:20 AM from At my laptop, refusing to waste time , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
Mad Pinoy
[up] Haven't finished him yet. Also, put links on the relevant tropes. It makes 'em stand out and allows uneducated readers to get a quick understanding of your character.

edited 26th Jun '13 11:28:47 AM by Insano

Allurand and surrounding world loading, 28%...
220 TairaMai27th Jun 2013 06:28:21 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
[up][up]A lot of writers say "my character is impulsive", it hurts but actually make her impulsive.

When I was in a Whateley'Verse RP I had a character who was a Genki Girl 'drider. She fought, she ran her mouth, she snacked on sweets and got hyper. It was an excuse to act the Cloud Cuckoo Lander.

But her fights got her detention. Some characters counldn't stand her, other saw her as just a kid[tm]. And she had to tone it down. In the end, she still was sleeping with her teddy, but she started to become more of a team player and used her brain before her fists (and tail, she's a whip scorpion drider...).

Show Svetlana acting then thinking "Why did I do that?" Show the upside and downside to being impulsive: on one hand you are Fun Personified on the other hand that can rub people the wrong way.

edited 27th Jun '13 6:33:09 PM by TairaMai

221 TairaMai27th Jun 2013 07:07:43 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
In a galaxy, where the United Earth Government has fought a civil war, losing several worlds to the Southern Cross and had a war with the Alien Cay Union, hope rides in a ship called Victory

Name: Lieutenant Commander (Doctor) Arcent Harken

Age: 30


Really Gets Around/ Bi the Way/Ethical Slut/ Polyamory /Chivalrous Pervert, Hooker with a Heart of Gold / The Chick / Light Feminine Dark Feminine leading to Nice Girl

She has a very “cheery” disposition, loves making friends and takes pride in knowing how to heal. Like all Martissans, she values education.

Abilities: the medic, Doctor's Orders : she's a qualified flight surgeon and a licensed shuttle pilot


Goals: She wants to travel, serve her 20 years in the EDF and retire at the age of 43.

Motivation: “I want to protect everyone! This ship and it's crew is my family and we live and die for our families.”

Role in the story: Aside from being Mae's boss, a gifted surgeon, she's a deconstruction of the Green-Skinned Space Babe, as a character she's one of the doctors, Mr. Exposition or The Watson depending on the scene.

Backstory: Arcent Harken is the middle child of a family of seven, her mothers and fathers raised their children in hope that they could become doctors and scientists. Her species was made a slave first by a race they call “The Masters” and then the Cay when the Cay Empire “liberated” them. When the Cay Empire became the Cay Union, things did not look good. Then the humans came. The population is split between the Southern Cross and Earth Space with a small population still trapped in the Cay Union. Her family has always sent one of their children to the EDF as gratitude for being truly made free by humans. She wanted to study medicine ever since she was a little girl. Was The Pornomancer in medschool, since some humans think Martissans are kinky and exotic. Of course cultural differences led to most of those relationships ending after graduation (see weaknesses).

Relevant Tropes:

edited 3rd Jul '13 4:26:44 AM by TairaMai

222 TairaMai28th Jun 2013 08:14:57 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
223 NickTheSwing28th Jun 2013 10:17:30 PM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
[up][up] I find myself liking her quite a lot. She seems relatable and fun, and her motive is one I like to see in protagonists. She sounds like she can be a strong female protagonist while also poking at the usual tropes for such characters.

Now to put Matthew back through, as most likely, he too has changed a bit.

  • Name: Matthew Streika

  • Age: 16

  • Personality: Matthew is an incredibly amiable young man who generally is very easy to get along with. He's talkative, kind, and listens to your problems. Being very highly empathic, he seems to detect emotions from people and uses this talent of sorts to help people with their problems. Despite his position on the school football team, he's a very kind boy with a sensitive nature, though do not think Matthew is a complete pushover. That may have been true at the start, but its not true any more. He can have a rather protective nature, even if the person he wants to protect really doesn't need his protection. He cannot stand bullying and people abusing their positions of power. He is very determined and has a persistent nature. Even if he fails once, he'll keep trying. And despite his position, he's actually quite a prude, insisting on not going through with very intimate moves with people interested in him. He even flushes and gets very, very embarrassed at overt moves made.

  • Abilities: Matthew's abilities are based around his desire to be the Sword and Shield of others. Hence, he can create weaponry with edges, and as he learns to use his Spell Core, his precision and range expands to include legendary weapons wielded by old heroes, and Magitech Weapons created to slay eldritch abominations. Due to the Lance of Longinus implanted in him, his biological "limitations" are removed, essentially making him "superhuman", his strength, speed and resilience increasing over the course of the books. This also lets him manipulate External Mana in the environment, potentially making him incredibly dangerous. One could even count his empathic nature as a dangerous power, as he is smart enough to use it to talk people down when "copious use of swords" fails.

  • Weaknesses: Matthew's very nature makes him very likely to do very, very stupid things because he thinks they are the right thing to do. He also has very few long range attacks, aside from swinging his sword strongly enough to make air pressure blasts and his Aura Rave spell. Unlike a lot of other Mages, at the start, he also has no way to take to aerial combat.

  • Goals: Matthew wants to protect as many people as he can from the bad side of the supernatural, and later decides to fight the villains of the mundane world as well when a corrupt senator kidnaps a friend for Sharon Tate Roman's plans.

  • Motivation: He really cannot forgive himself for just sitting there as his father "died", and as bad things happened to his friends.

  • Role in the story: The Hero

  • Backstory: Matthew has a very convoluted, odd backstory. He had his memories tampered with from an early age to make him remember an abusive father and a dead mother, when in reality, the only father he's ever known was Kyrio, and Kyrio's wife is just fine. The reality is that Matthew was initially just planned to be a Phantom Claw Assassin, possibly one of the best. He was trained since six in how to kill people, and at ten, his memories were "repackaged", and repressed forcibly, and then altered here and there by Kyrio's illusion magic. Kyrio eventually grew to view his youngest assassin as his son, despite protests to the contrary. Kyrio was forced to fake his death when The Seer and Queen Anathema showed signs of catching on to what he was doing. He sent Matthew to train further with three of his friends, and then went off with Phantom Claw. Matthew grew up seemingly normally, despite the evil seed planted inside of him. He became a very talented athlete and student, though his grades suffered due to his Bully Hunter activities. At the present, he is walking out of school for the day when he sees an odd spectacle, changing his life...

  • Relevant Tropes:
  • Awakening the Sleeping Giant: Nebiros and Ein Woe kind of realized they underestimated him when he hit a giant panther demon so hard it smashed through a wall.
  • Authority Equals Asskicking: Leads the 317th, a corp of Air and Land units, and which is notably unstable and difficult to control. Matthew is respected deeply by most if not all of them.
  • Badass: leads a Badass Army, moves incredibly fast, hits incredibly hard, and takes insane punishment. At one point, he even stands there and lets a woman he scared as Dark Matthew kick him in the groin six times, and smiles afterwards, asking her if that made her feel better.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: Among other beware tropes, Matthew is known as one of the nicest people in a world where sociopathy for the sake of magical achievement is encouraged. When he becomes a commander of a powerful unit, his moniker is even "Matthew The Angelic". He is just the most sweet and innocent boy you've ever seen. But for Pete's Sake, do not make him mad at you. Best illustrated when a rich guy almost hits Adam and Samantha with his Ferrari, refuses to apologize, gets out and antagonizes both, and then calls all three of them some very nasty words. Matthew grabs him, asks that he apologize, and he refuses. Matthew releases him, and then punches the Ferrari's hood, making a massive dent and almost destroying the engine. The apology could not leave the guy's mouth fast enough.
  • Curb-Stomp Battle: The Heavenly Blades got one when they awakened his evil side, Dark Matthew, who is basically a lot like Gilgamesh. The kind and honest boy basically turned into a bloodthirsty, haughty sadist who took extreme joy in slashing his opponents to pieces. He basically spends the fight slowly walking forward, grinning in a completely uncharacteristic, disturbing manner. And after that, even as his normal self, the Terrible Trio is usually sent blasting off within three paragraphs.
  • Deadpan Snarker: One trait he shares with Johnson. He's usually oddly polite about his snarking.
  • Even the Guys Want Him: Matthew managed to attract a number of men, as well as women.
  • From Bad to Worse: When Kyrio undoes the Fake Memories, all the trauma comes roiling back in. Due to this, Matthew temporarily becomes a more jaded hero, more brutal, and willing to kill. It took Graverobber giving him a What the Hell, Hero? speech for it to stop.
  • Future Badass: One version of himself comes to the past to teach himself something. He's still a massive nerd, and Future Matt acknowledges it by bleaching his hair white, and wearing a familiar outfit "I know past me. He'll react very well to this outfit and appearance, while Sharon, being Sharon, won't get what I'm doing."
  • Groin Attack: Aside from the above incident, Matthew himself when held by Medraut's new ability apologizes in advance before kicking Medraut in the balls so hard he throws up.
  • Heroic Build: As seen in the Baptism Rite scene, Matthew is freaking ripped. We see from Sorata's view point, and she basically concentrates on his abs and pecs so much, he has to say My Eyes Are Up Here.
  • Innocent Fanservice Boy: Utterly mystified and confused when told that people find him attractive.
  • Irony: He fights a group of Nazis at one point, and he looks basically like their "Aryan Ideal." The Nazis are mostly fat old white men experimenting with Spell Cores.
  • Kick the Son of a Bitch: Then again, the Heavenly Blades were fundamentalist idiots who used brainwashing, had absolute zero empathy for their fellow man, and were previously pretty darn evil. And said rich guy above was known in town already for almost hitting kids with his speeding...
  • Kill the God: He's done it plenty of times, to the point that when he's told "An evil ancient Pagan God is wreaking havoc down town", his reaction is "so its Monday, then? -sigh- I hate mondays."
  • Nerd: Despite his outward appearance and social standing, inside, he's a very, very nerdy guy. He owns a lot of Visual Novels, he frequents hobby shops, and he references a lot of media, including comics both Japanese and American in origin.
  • Not What It Looks Like: At one point, after swimming, he has just taken off his shorts when Samantha runs in to inform him about something. He panics, slips and falls. Queue Shuuji and Sorata walking in and seeing a naked Matthew on top of Samantha. Both immediately say it for him.
  • One-Man Army: Especially after he gets Golden Armor that basically channels magic so well he has an unbelievable supply to use for a Mana Shield, and huge air pressure blasts. He at one point wipes out twenty men by himself, just charging in and throwing them aside.
  • Pretty Boy: A very muscular one, but he has an incredibly effeminate facial structure, including long, pretty golden blond hair.
  • Psycho Rangers: His psycho ranger is Darksword, a legacy character. Darksword was first an utterly insane social reject. He got the ability to make floating dark energy swords. Darksword 1 was succeeded by his cousin. Who is somehow even crazier. The point is that the Darksword(s) were, in classic fashion, taught how to counter Matthew's fighting style.
    • In a more philosophical sense, while Matthew is trying to form his own unique personality, Darksword is willingly embracing the idea of being a Legacy Character. While Matthew creates weapons able to defend, Darksword's weapons cannot do anything but cut or be shot at people like missiles.
  • Rogues Gallery: He almost has a superhero style one! Insofar: Nebiros, Ein Woe, Zel Kade, Mavis Kade, Raval Kade, and other members of the Kade Family, Sharon Tate Roman, Silmarill, Hector Gibbs, Elijah Gibbs, The Lance, Graverobber, and Lord Master, Sir Regal Kalvin, Kyrio Streika, The Gaean,Ignius / Strife, and Tyson Streika
    • Rogues-Gallery Transplant: Temporarily, Zachaia and Mordecai menace him in Book II.
      • As a general rule, most of them either are trying to change the world with magic, using it to get material gains by taking advantage of how powerful it is compared to current war technology, or in the case of the Terrible Trio of Lance, Lord Master and Graverobber, and numerous others, are just nerds trying to act out their supervillain fantasies.
  • Seen It All: After a book or three, he's not really surprised by anything. When Ein Woe tells him that he'll be facing a Nuckelavee, he just nods and says "Of course."
  • Shipper on Deck: He ships Adam x Lindy, and Shina x Liam.
  • Shirtless Scene: A ton. I do try to please the estrogen brigade.
  • Shout-Out: He makes many of them. Mainly because its how he keeps his spirits light.
  • Stepford Smiler: Matthew always smiles, purely to put people at ease and show he's alright, no need to worry. Deep down, he's a lot more messed up than he shows.
  • Superpowered Evil Side: If you make him too mad, or mess with his friends to a deep, dark level, out comes Dark Matthew:
    • The Casanova: Dark Matthew likes pretty girls, so he claims. "We'll have fun when I'm done. This Matthew's body...he's got nice size downstairs, you'll love his muscles too. You'll like it, trust me."
    • Horrifying the Horror: The genre changes to Horror when Dark Matthew fights, with a special emphasis on him gruesomely killing mooks one by one, purely to demoralize and break down his foes. He claims he does this because its fun.
    • It's All About Me: Self centered, vain and egotistical, to contrast his usual demeanor. He even gets pissed when someone scratches his favorite sword, so he painfully flays the guy's whole arm.
    • Knight Templar: Everything is for the greater good. Regardless how hypocritical it might sound.
    • No-Nonsense Nemesis: Dark Matthew doesn't play around in a fight, unless its to demonstrate how hopelessly outmatched you are.

edited 3rd Jul '13 11:57:16 AM by NickTheSwing

224 NightChaos1st Jul 2013 11:54:24 PM from In The Gates of The Watchtower , Relationship Status: Owner of a lonely heart
Dark Knight Lv.19
[up] Here's my thoughts on him. Please, do not take anything I say here personal. We're all here to help each other.

From his profile, the first thing I noticed is that Matthew sounds to be VERY powerful, like, TOO powerful. There's no problem having a powerful hero, but keep in mind that the opposition must be equally if not stronger than he is. The hero can have a superb Magitech Sword and be the one of the very few humans able to control both light and darkness with ease. However, he must be up against someone who can take him on, like a Magnificent Bastard Fallen Angel who wants to destroy the world, master at Xanatos Speed Chess, with a army of angelic-like monsters at his disposal (and this isn't half the list). Otherwise your story will get boring, because there's no one to really oppose the hero and he will reach his goal too easily.

Also, I noticed the only flaw he apparently has is being "very likely to do very, very stupid things because he thinks they are the right thing to do". Didn't he have (or at leats he thinks so) an abusive father and a dead mother? Such troubled past, even if didn't really happen, should have a deep impact on Matthew's personality, and in such cases, it generally goes for the worse. OK, he has a dark side, but personally, I think it shouldn't be up to his dark side being active for him to have more flaws. If he's got more personal flaws to overcome, this can spice the story in interesting ways... Give this a thought.

Overall, I believe your character has potential, specially regards his backstory. I don't know your setting, the whole story, or even the other characters, and they definately influence how the audience will percieve and react to Matthew, but I think he needs some spicing. Having the audience like and cheer for a overly-powerful, handsome, little flawed hero can be something hard to pull off.

As for my character, here goes nothing:

Daniel Booker

Age: 21 years old.

Personality: Generally is shy and introspective. He is not used to have friends around and claims to “not being good with people”. Has a very distrustful nature, more than necessary to the place where he lives, being controlled by a dictatorship. He is quite literate, since his parents left him a small collection of fiction books from the past centuries (XX and XXI). Considerably self-centered, he wishes to achieve a better life for himself and his grandfather, who he likes and respects very much, even if he has to work with what he hates most: Mechanical Engineering. He can be a nice and polite man, as long being so doesn’t involve going against the authorities that will put him under the police’s attention. Seeing himself as a weak guy and not being used to fights, he avoids any kind of confrontation, mostly out of fear of getting beaten up.

Having been raised in a system where people are not taught to think by themselves and told to obey the system, he tries to be the perfect “good citizen” of New Delzen (the fictional country where the story takes place in), the only way to join the elite for a better life… Until one day, the finds a keycard leading into the forbidden section of his university’s library. Taken by his intense curiosity and a fever for new books, he commits his first –and serious – infraction, which will lead to his grandfather being arrested in his place, leading him to run away with a classmate when they mutually dislike each other. From there on, Daniel’s world and values will continuously be shaken to the core, having to learn to trust people he never thought he would side with and to finally open his eyes to everything that is wrong with the nation, and he will go from alienated bystander to the pivotal figure of a national uprising.

Abilities: At first, he can run notoriously fast and be somewhat sneaky. After reading a book called “Tropes: Conventions in TV and other Media” (unknown author) and associating it to all other stories he read through his life, he will become Genre Savvy. Later, after being subdued to some dangerous experiments, becomes the first successful genetically enhanced human.

Weakness: No combat training, little knowledge about machinery, and even less courage to face both personal problems and the social disasters New Delzen is submerged in.

Goals: Free his grandfather and escape with him to abroad… Only realize the only way to truly be free is to confront President Rebald and take him down.

Motivation: He really likes and respects his grandfather, and seeing that soon he will be the only who can provide livelihood, he wishes to deliver the best possible for both of them, as he promised to his parents when they left. As he travels around the country and encounters all kinds of people with all kinds of stories of suffering and attempts to escape misery, he decides that President Rebald must be stopped for the common good. And especially after he learns 1) his grandfather is working with the President 2) he used Daniel to try to destroy La Résistance and 3) his parents are not living abroad in the USA, they were arrested and executed for working with the rebels.

Backstory: Daniel always had a pretty ordinary life, always more worried to attending his own wishes and not caring much about the rest of the world. He suffered some bullying while in school, and ever since he never had many friends and is not inclined to change that anytime soon. When he was 12, his parents left the country claiming to have to take care of family business in the USA, and promised to take care of his grandfather when he grows up. Now he strives to achieve money and social status by becoming an Engineer and ascending to the New Delzen’s elite.

Role in the Story: As the protagonist, he is ordinary college student who needs to escape the government’s secret police alongside a distrusting classmate. Later revealed to be an Unwitting Pawn in President Rebald’s plan to destroy the rebels from inside out.

edited 2nd Jul '13 12:12:38 AM by NightChaos

"......Huh?" Myself, 2014.
225 NickTheSwing2nd Jul 2013 12:33:44 AM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
Matthew himself is trying to erase his flaws. This starts something that comes to a very bad head later. He tries to convey "impossibly good paragon" when he's got a lot of flaws lurking under the surface, only barely covering them. Kyrio's fake memories come undone and he almost goes Fallen Hero.

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