Villain Critique Thread (Because Its About Damn Time!)

Regarding what you've written so far, though, these villains all seem fairly well-rounded. I particularly like your description of Saskia/"the Hornet", as to me the fact that she's just using an already evil ideology as an excuse for her own sadistic whims serves to make her even more terrifying- and there's just enough humanity there (like being an ex-love interest of the hero) for her to cause a sense of discomfort as well. They all seem like great antagonists, but even as I read the others' profiles she was the one who stuck out to me.

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So...my villain is for an Elsewhere Fic set on one of the many parallel earths in Arrowverse. She's a fairly minor antagonist who may eventually get a pseudo-redemption arc, but either way, I'm curious as to what you all might think. Being from a parallel earth, she's a doppelganger/alternate version of a canon Arrowverse character...but personality wise? Well, you'll see.

Name: Felicity Megan Smoak/ “Technomancer”. When not in the field, she goes by her middle name.

Age: 30

Personality: Megan is primarily driven by a desire for what she believes to be completely justified revenge. This is not to say that she can’t be cruel or petty, and she’s often self-centered; however, she is not cruel in the sense of being a truly sadistic person. She doesn’t enjoy seeing people in physical pain the way a true sadist would, but she does enjoy humiliating people or causing intense paranoia for reasons that will become clear. She is highly intelligent, but like her Earth-1 counterpart, she’s surprisingly awkward in social situations.

Abilities: Megan is a “metahuman” (genetically enhanced human with superpowers.) Her brain itself is an interface that can hack anything with an internet connection. She’s a Technopath, if you will.

Weaknesses: She can only hack such technology within a 100 foot radius. Unplugging the devices in her radius (if they’re ones that need to be plugged in) renders them useless. Additionally, she can be slowed or forced into mental exhaustion if a computer virus finds its way to her brain (though her immune system will eventually fight it off.)

Goals: To humiliate every single person who picked on her in school by leaking personal information. This may include removing all money from their bank accounts, making their credit card numbers public knowledge, subjecting them to a barrage of viruses, sabotaging their electronic devices.

Motivation: Revenge. She was also bullied all through high school and college for her lack of social awareness, and wants others to feel just as humiliated as she did. Role in the story: A minor villain in a larger Rogue’s Gallery-type setup. She is eventually Reformed, but Not Tamed, but even then is far from trustworthy due to her deep-seated anger.

Backstory: Prior to her accident, Megan was horrible with computers. She was bullied all throughout her young adult years because of her tendency to spout double entendres, and thought she’d be nothing more than a friendless cashier her entire life. But that changed one night when she was staying in Central City, surfing the web on a laptop in the comfort of a hotel room, and a machine known as a particle accelerator exploded, sending mysterious “dark matter” into her. It altered her DNA, turning her into a living interface for technology.

While she initially used it for harmless pranks, she realized quickly just how much power this implied...and set out to settle some old scores with some of her former classmates.

Relevant Tropes:

It's All About Me: She can be extremely self-centered and struggles to prioritize other’s feelings above her own.

Best Served Cold: She had wanted vengeance against her old classmates for years, but gaining her powers was what actually helped her get on that track.

Technopath: Her core superpower.

The Cracker: When she gainer her abilities, she started as a Playful Hacker but gradually became this instead.

Hackette: As she disguises her voice when she is heard, typically wears a suit that obscures her features (very little definition in the chest, short hair, mouth covered, and a opaque “Google Glass”-esque piece of eyewear), and uses a gender-neutral codename, many are surprised when they find that the hacker who’s been leaking their darkest secrets and ruining their lives through technology is a rather young woman.

Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds / Who's Laughing Now?: She’s aiming to make her old tormentors feel just as powerless as she once did.

Not too knowledgeable about the Arrowverse, but as a standalone villain Smoak seems pretty cool. There aren't enough technomancers: Royal Pain and Spindly Johnny are the only ones to come to mind, and Smoak seems different in her own regard. She's like Aiden but she doesn't need a cell phone or a united system to hack like CTOS. Terrifying, especially with her honestly-petty motivations. I honestly question the part where you say she's not a sadist: it's just as common for a sadist to enjoy psychological pain as much as physical pain.

Anyhow, here's another member of Ensiferum for my Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid story: Tsuneo Hiragi, AKA Thor, another member of Ensiferum's inner circle. Bankwell's right-hand man, if you would.

• Name: Tsuneo Hiragi
• Age: 51
• Personality: The Stoic. A Noble Demon. Not so far as the Token Good Teammate of Ensiferum, but he still has enough standards and a sense of honor to stand out among the other members of the inner circle. He's still ultimately on their side, though, and as long as he sees the logic in his orders he will follow them, even if it means doing truly heinous things. Genuinely loves his wife and his teenage daughter Akira. Yeah, Akira. As in Akira Hiragi, the former Governeur of Mermaid.
• Abilities: Genius inventor of all manner of weapons, vehicles and other instruments of destruction. Wears the Type-7 Járnglófar Power Armor: it's constantly charged with electricity that he can use to defend himself by deflecting projectiles by creating a Deflector Shield, or project it as devastating lighting blasts. Wields Mjolnir, a high-tech warhammer that likewise is charged with electricity: he can shoot it as blasts, manipulate electromagnetism and throw cars and such, or just smack people with the thing.
• Weaknesses: Non-projectile attacks (explosions, cave-ins, flamethrowers and the like) can bypass his shield. The armor takes a lot of energy, and depending on how hard he's fighting it can run out rather quickly.
• Goals: To serve Ensiferum's cause and keep humanity safe from the infected.
• Motivation: Loyalty to Bankwell's cause.
• Role in the story: The Dragon
• Backstory: An arms dealer and weapon engineer recruited by Ensiferum soon after their conception. Has worked for multiple nations and causes before settling down full time with Ensiferum after hearing about Bankwell's run-in with a SOLDIER team.
• Relevant Tropes:
• Anti-Villain: By being probably the only major Ensiferum member with a hint of standards.
• Badass Normal: Like Bankwell, he's a normal human being. With the help of his Power Armor and warhammer, he can devastate almost any Liberator in front of him.
• Basso Profundo: That's not voice manipulation in his helmet or anything: this guy has got a deep freaking voice. Like, think Ralph Ineson.
• Darth Vader Clone: Black Power Armor? Check. Big Bad's right-hand man? Check. Akira's father? Check. Magic Knight? Well, it's an electromagnetic warhammer, but it gets the point across. Anti-Villain? Check. Deep, booming voice? You better believe it.
• The Dragon: Bankwell's right-hand man.
• Drop The Hammer: Mjolnir, his electromagnetic warhammer.
• Establishing Character Moment: Two moments: the first is when a group of Ensiferum soldiers are clashing with the JSDF and he's called in to back them up. He calmly annihilates every single one of the SDF soldiers without breaking a sweat. The next is when an Ensiferum soldier informs him that his CO is pulling rank and sadistically rounding up non-infected girls as well as infected. He confronts said CO, never raising his voice above a calm, even tone, and when the CO tries to bullshit his way out of it Thor literally smashes his face in with a single Power Armored punch. He then gives the informant a field promotion and goes on his way.
• Even Evil Has Standards: Takes great pains not to harm noncombatants and non-infected. When he learns one of his underlings is ignoring the results of the scans for the Armed virus and just capturing people wholesale, he's quick to put him in line with extreme prejudice.
• Evil Redhead: Turns out Akira gets her hair color from him.
• Gadgeteer Genius: Has spearheaded the invention of every single weapon, mech, drone, Cool Plane and anti-Arm countermeasure Ensiferum uses.
• Genius Bruiser: A genius inventor and mountain of muscle: he's an imposing sight even out of his Power Armor.
• Magnetism Manipulation: Electromagnetism through use of the electricity in his warhammer.
• One-Man Army: Can take on multiple Liberators at once and beat them easily. It takes Mirei fighting with everything she has to even get him breathing hard the first time they encounter each other.
• Shock and Awe: His weapon and armor are both charged with electricity.
• Well-Intentioned Extremist: Genuinely believes in Ensiferum's cause, unlike his comrades in the inner circle whose motivations range from sadism (Loki) to unreasoning hate (Bankwell) to a complete lack of ego (Heimdall).

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Aug 2nd 2019 at 5:43:25 AM

As a new writer, i am currently trying my hand at making a story about a young princess with big ambitions.... Read more to find out, but remember to lock your doors at night since she will murder you simply for knowing her true self.

Name: Mary Plantagenet

Age: 9

Personality: The sociopath. Puts on the appearance of a well-mannered and very smart little princess but is in reality tactically assassinating nobles above her in the line of succession, including her own father. Now that you know who she truly is, be careful to not die a fiery death at her hand as John of Lancaster found out the hard way

Weaknesses: Lack of Allies. I mean, who will support a murderous 9 year old girl's plot to ascend to both the English and French throne? An easily manipulated child might be pushed to the throne, but a murderous child like her will never be. Plus her fear of getting caught has led her to tip off Jean the servant into her true nature. Jean was only joking to her about her killing King Charles, but her reactions made him realize that she really did kill the king.

Goals: To ascend to both the English AND French throne

Motivation: A very strong lust for power

Role in the story: The villain protagonist of the story

Backstory: Born of noble birth on the 15th of April, 1411, Mary proved to be a very smart child from the moment of her birth. She was able to speak full sentences at age 2 and learnt to read and write at the age of 5, impressive even by modern standards. She also proved to be a very well-mannered child who always replies respectfully and with a smile. But all this is just a mask worn by Mary, who is really a sociopath who finds life inherently meaningless and lusts for power over others in an attempt to make her life meaningful. She begins her assassinations a few months after the Treaty of Troyes is signed, naming Mary's uncle, King Henry V and his family as heirs to the French throne. Her assassinations cause major upheaval in the French Royal Court as nobles scramble to find who is responsible for the death of so many kings so quickly, never realizing the true assassin is smiling right at them

Relevant Tropes:

• Artistic License – History: Mary Plantagenet never actually existed and as such, the events in the book never actually happened

• The Chessmaster: She can expertly manipulate people into beliving her innocence as she racks up the body count. As for those that refuse to belive her innocence, just ask John of Troyes and Jean "The Servant".

• Enfant Terrible: Lets see, murdering King Charles, King Henry V, her own father for the crown in addition to murdering John of Lancaster and Jean "The Servant" for finding the truth about her

• The Sociopath: Mary kills her uncle, father and brother as if she was crushing ants. She herself admits to faking ever emotion she ever showed to anyone

Edited by Uncivildiscussion on Aug 29th 2019 at 5:22:13 AM

I quite like the idea of a killer princess being Beneath Suspicion, but I think her being nine is just too young for it to work. She'd have to be early teens at the youngest for me to buy it. I also think making her a Villain Protagonist might be a misstep; you'd have to make her more charismatic than Hannibal Lecter to make a character with no emotions be engaging in and of herself. Personally I'd like to see her not do her own killings but manipulate others into doing it for her. If you're trying to do a mostly serious historical fiction novel, she needs to be more grounded, especially for a protagonist.

Right, onto mine:

Name: Alfred Maurice "Alfie" Shap

Age: Early twenties

Personality: To his superiors, a bootlick. He's very elitist and condescending to anyone inferior to him in rank, class, or whatever other criteria he can come up with to establish his superiority. He lavishes praise on anyone who he respects in the hopes of receiving a compliment, but if it's not returned he'll become sulky and passive-aggressive.

Abilities: Trained as one of the NIB's best. He's also pretty tall at 6'2, so his reach can give him an advantage in certain situations. He also has a fair amount of resources and contacts because of his father being a highly-ranked member of Boyd Industries.

Weaknesses: Pretty cowardly, panics easily, very insecure. Highly disliked by virtually everyone he meets, either because he's a hardass or a suckup.

Goal: Assist Governor Rydinger in subduing Gikania and taking Captain Gaymon's place as CO of Rydinger's private death squad.

Motivation: To receive positive attention, respect, and affirm his status as a soldier and a powerful man.

Role in the Story: He's The Dragon's Dragon; a Number Two for Brains to Connor Gaymon in Rydinger's death squad.

Backstory: Born two years before the Cataclysm, he hardly remembers life back on Earth; he does know, however, that it was a lot better than things in Musden. His father, Maurice Shap Senior, was a rich and lonely businessman and prominent board member of Boyd Corp, even naming his son after CEO Alfred Boyd. Having alienated all his friends and his wife in the pursuit of wealth, Maurice lavished praise upon his only son, gave him everything he ever wanted, and repeatedly enforced the belief that the destitute make their own beds and deserve to lie in it. However, Maurice also remained distant to an extent; terrified Alfred would leave him as wife had, he refused to make any emotional bond with him, and instead using material possessions in place of affection. As a result, Alfred was much like his father; rich and lonely. Desperate for a place to belong, Alfred grew to resent his father, who was overprotective and refused to allow Alfie any degree of autonomy for fear of him leaving him. Fights between the two were frequent, culminating in Alfred giving his father a bloody nose after a debate over Alfred going out with friends. Maurice, however, had begun to depend on Alfred for all human interaction and became a manipulative Extreme Doormat towards him. After the Bullettown Disaster, in which a munitions factory in Gikania exploded killing thousands of migrant American workers, Shap had a perfect target for all those years of resentment and hate, and when Director of the National Intelligence Bureau Gill Alford began a recruiting drive in prepatation for his coup, Alfred was one of the first to join. His father, terrified that he would die, pulled some strings to get Alfred assigned to the relatively safe position of second in command of Ethan Rydinger's personal death squad, under the impression he would never actually see combat.

He was, of course, wrong.

Tropes:

• Affably Evil: Of a sort; when he and Tom drive out to the desert to execute Sonnorya Frigg, he's generous in lavish praise in the hopes of getting a compliment out of him. Tom doesn't take the bait, at which point he becomes sulky, passive-aggressive, and petulant.
• Bad Boss: Openly dismissive of anyone under his command.
• Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Presents himself as a bootlick to Gaymon, but frequently complains about him behind his back. Of course, Gaymon's not stupid enough to believe his praise and is openly insulting to him.
• Buried Alive: Thrown into the grave he intended to bury Sonnorya in, although she notes the weight of the soil was probably enough to kill him instantly.
• Fantastic Racism: Hates the Foksoran/Gikani with a passion. Also just a straight up racist given how he talks to the African-American Culpepper.
• Jerkass: Openly abrasive to everyone he meets.
• Kick The Son Of A Bitch: Does this to all of the men in Rydinger's Death Squad, all of whom deserve it (excepting Marlo and Wainman and perhaps Bagman). Not that he's any nicer, since at least some of them have the decency to be Affably Evil.
• Kill the Poor: Seems to regard anyone poorer than him as absolute scum, often times stating that the solution to poverty in Gyrstol should just be "a big fire". He's enranged he has to serve under the lower-class Gaymon.
• Mistreatment Induced Betryal: His attitude to the working class comes back to bite him; while he's respectful of Paget and Mc Phee for being the sons of middle-class families, he's openly dismissive of Culpepper, enough for him to pull a Heel–Face Turn.
• Mook Lieutenant: Acts as this during the scene where Sonnorya and Tom team up to escape, commanding Culpepper, Mc Phee, and Paget.
• No-Respect Guy: Considered this among the Death Squad; Hitchens and Piggott are openly dismissive to his face, Marlo frequently tells him to "fuck off" when drunk, and Gaymon calls him "useless" any chance he gets. When he dies, everybody looks relieved. The sole exception is Bagman, who adds a self-harm scar after hearing of his demise.
• Number Two for Brains: Appointed as deputy of the squad only so Rydinger could pocket a large bribe from his father; nobody else bothers respecting him and it's obvious the de facto second in command is Conn Hitchens. He's aware of this fact and greatly resents Gaymon and Hitchens for it. He's also the first of the squad to die, getting offed by a relatively minor character just as Act Two starts.
• "Well Done, Son" Guy: Any suitably militaristic male older than him will recieve no end of praise all in the hopes of getting a morsel of positive reinforcement in return.
• Yes-Man: To Gaymon, at least to his face.

Sounds like a massive Hate Sink, but still interesting as a character. At least he gets a pretty good death.

• Sophia Giordano

• Bloodline: Lucifer (Maternal Grandfather), Lilith (Mother), Dracula (Father)

• Race: Half-Vampire/Half-Demon

• History: Long ago, Lucifer raped an unknown peasant woman, impregnating her. She died in childbirth, and her daughter Lilith grew up a half-demon who enjoyed terrorizing all around her. When Lilith came of age, having made herself known as a monster who loved inflicting pain and suffering, Lucifer returned and revealed himself as her father, and inviting her to reject her human side and become a full-blooded demon. Lilith happily accepted the offer.

Millennia later, an unknown mortal man performed an unknown ritual to Lucifer in attempt become a powerful vampire. Lucifer accepted the deal and erased the man's name from history, rechristening him "Dracula". Having received his vampirism directly from Lucifer instead of inheriting it from another vampire, Dracula was considered an "Original Vampire", far more powerful than most others and with his own bloodline that had unique strengths and weakness from the other vampire clans, each of which have their own Original Vampires.

Lilith later approached Dracula and seduced him. Giving birth to a vampire-demon hybrid, she gave the child to Dracula, telling him he was to look after her. Dracula was furious at the deception, wanting nothing more than to enjoy his immortality, but he knew that even his own power as an Original Vampire paled in comparison to the daughter of Lucifer himself, and so reluctantly agreed, naming his daughter Sophia.

Dracula raised Sophia to be a monster like himself, but she was never quite like the rest of her family. Sophia was certainly bad, unhesitant to kill and feed off humans, but never took sadistic pleasure in it. Also, despite the horrible treatment, she couldn't help but genuinely love her father, even if he never loved her. At some point in her adulthood, Sophia started converting select humans into vampires, beginning the Dracula Clan. (Even though she's technically the progenitor, Dracula is still the Original Vampire, so the clan is named after him despite him never turning anybody.) Nobody knew it at the time, but Sophia was actually far more powerful than her father, and any other vampire for that matter, as her unique physiology as a vampire-demon hybrid caused the two halves to greatly amplify each other, making her exponentially more powerful.

Centuries later, Dracula eventually fell to Abraham Van Helsing, and while Sophia grieved, she decided not to take vengeance, instead making plans to expand her clan as the now official matriarch. Over the span of a century, Sophia's influence grew and the other clans recognized her power. Eventually, all other clans bowed to Sophia, either out of love or fear, and declared her the first ever Queen of all Vampires. (There's never been a King either.)

• Present Day: Sophia continues to rule as Queen, with her base situated somewhere in Sicily, having taken the surname "Giordano". Her influence spans all across the globe, with vampires taking root in every major country, and even some minor ones. She serves as the main antagonist, while her mother and grandfather secretly watch and make their own plans.

• Personality: Sophia could be considered the "grey sheep", far from a saint, but nowhere near as evil as the rest of her family. She genuinely loved her father when he was alive despite his mistreatment of her, and never showed sadism in her actions. She genuinely wants to make the world a better place for vampires, believing them to be the evolution of humanity.

She's also very selective in deciding who may or may not become a vampire. All vampires, not just the Dracula Clan, must appeal to her through the chain of command as to which human they wish to convert. If she feels the human wouldn't make a proper contribution to vampire society, she rejects the request. The punishment for creating a vampire without permission is death for both the culprit and the new vampire. While many vampires consider this harsh and controlling, they can't argue with the results, as all vampires approved by her have indeed proven to be capable and worthy members of their society.

Tropes

• Achilles' Heel: Being a vampire-demon hybrid, Sophia is particularly weak to a common Kryptonite Factor between the two halves. Not gonna say what it is here because of spoilers, but I can tell you now that it's not holy artifacts.
• Anti Anti Christ: A strange variant. She's the granddaughter of Lucifer himself, but she acts independently of both her mother and grandfather, preferring to pursue her own goals rather than be a puppet. She's still evil, though.
• Big Bad: Serves as the primary antagonist, although her father serves as a Predecessor Villain while her mother and grandfather are both Greater-Scope Villains.
• Daddy's Little Villain: Nope! Yes, she is the daughter of Dracula, and yes she is evil, but while did love her father, her current ambitions are all her own.
• Daywalking Vampire: Usually vampires have to survive for hundreds of years and consume blood from thousands of humans in their lifetime before they can withstand the sun's rays, and even then are completely unable to use their powers. Original Vampires such as Dracula start off immune to the sun's more harmful effects, but even their powers are greatly diminished in the sunlight, but not outright nullified. Sophia, being only half-vampire, is completely immune to the sun's effects, and can even freely cast her powerful magic without any sign of handicap.
• Dhampyr: Sorta, except she's half-vampire/half-demon.
• Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas: Dracula never cared for Sophia, but she couldn't help but look up to him.
• Evil Overlord: Has already managed to gain a strong influence all over the world, and this influence continues to grow every year.
• God Save Us from the Queen!: Actually, not exactly. She's evil, and she's a queen, but she treats her own kind relatively well. Yes she has harsh punishments for those who defy her laws, but other than that is rather polite, and nobody can doubt her competence as ruler.
• Hybrid Power: Being a unique hybrid of vampire and demon, the two halves massively amplify each other's strengths while nullifying most of their weaknesses. Although there is one particular weakness that also got amplified. See Achilles' Heel above.
• Non-Human Humanoid Hybrid: Half-vampire/half-demon.
• Pragmatic Villainy: She sees no benefit in sadism or letting one's victim's suffer, considering it immature and a waste of time.
• The Social Darwinist: Considers vampirisim to be the next link in the evolutionary chain, and ensures only select humans are allowed to join that link, while the rest of humanity exists only as cattle.
• Vampire Monarch: The first, and so far only, vampire to earn the allegiance of all clans.
• Well-Intentioned Extremist: Kinda... She wants to make the world a better place... for vampires, as she genuinely believes vampires are the next evolutionary step for humanity.
• White Sheep: Okay, maybe closer to Grey Sheep, but she's nowhere near as vile as the rest of her family.

Edited by DelphineTheDelphox on Sep 22nd 2019 at 10:07:42 AM

RIP KissAnime.

Okay, prepare yourself people for plenty of writing from my part. Because Uncivildiscussion did not read the rules and did not write a critique for Tsuneo Hiragi (by krimzonflygon2), I will write 2 critiques here. I want to be fair with them.

Uncivildiscussion, if you're reading this, remember that there is a rule on this, Hero and Neutral Character Critique threads - before you want your character critiqued, you have to write a critique of the previous character.

First off, let's discuss Sophia. The way you presented her, it reminded me of Vlad von Carstein from Warhammer Fantasy. Incredibly powerful and evil vampire, but somewhat sympathetic (especially in his End Times incarnation). He wanted to use the power of Undeath to create more vampires and conquer the world, but for the sake of ending the infighting and corruption within the Empire (the most prominent human faction in the setting). But, I still wonder what is her weakness if the holy weapons are not supper effective. Don't tell me it's allergy to garlic. Overall, she makes for in interesting character.

Anyway, now let's discuss Tsuneo Hiragi. I'm not familiar with Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid AT ALL. That's the reason why I held back with my critique for so long. That said, I do like his personality and weaponry. Because he believes in his cause of protecting people from the infected, it makes him more sympathetic. And, because he believes in his cause, it makes him far more dangerous and determined. I wish I could said more, but my aforementioned knowledge of the Valkyrie Drive prevents me.

Now's that out of the way, let me introduce you to something new. I was thinking of writing a Magical Girl Warrior kind of story, focusing on two factions fighting for the fate of the world... or what's left of it. The main focus here will be (of course) the bad guys calling themselves The Remnants.
Backstory time: Earth was invaded by a hostile race called Xreni. The aliens would've easily wiped out all life on our planet if not for Vega, the Star Princess. She comes from a race that opposed the Xreni since the beginning of the universe. She came to Earth to give the humanity a chance to fight back against the invaders. With her powers, she created Star Shards, familiars that granted their masters magical powers! These Star Warriors would form Magical Corps to combat the Xreni to save the Earth. After a long and bloody war, humanity ultimately won after defeating Overlord Feregus. But, they paid a heavy price. Most of the planet was in ruins and Vega fell into a deep sleep after sustaining severe injuries fighting the Overlord. The only country that relatively came unscathed was Japan, the country were Vega first landed and led the resistance.
20 years later after the great war, a new threat arrived. A group calling themselves "The Remnants" suddenly appeared one day and declared war against Japan and their Magic Corps. Polaris, the leader of this group, alongside her 7 lieutenants attacked Kyushu and defeated all Star Warriors who tried to get in their way, including the fabled Alpha Squad that took part in the final battle against Feregus. Polaris made her intentions clear - she will punish Japan for their sins and claim Vega's powers as her own.
Tsubasa, a newly appointed Star Warrior who claimed the legendary Star Shard of Hikari, the heroine who dealt the killing blow on Feregus, will have to face the new aggressors to protect Vega. But, this conflict will reveal dark truths that will shake her and her teammates' convictions. Like, for example, why they have the same powers as Star Warriors?

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• Name: The Remnants
• Members and their Roles:
  • Polaris - The leader of the group and Big Bad. Ambitious and ruthless, Polaris will not stop at nothing from claiming Vega's powers. She claims she needs the Star Princess' powers to "bring back hope to the world". She has access to all elemental magic, making her incredibly dangerous. Her armor resembles a dragon.
  • Dubhe - Member of Terrible Trio and defacto leader of it. Despite being user of Fire Magic, he's calm and precise, like all professional demolition experts should be. His armor resembles a phoenix.
  • Merak - Member of Terrible Trio. The hot-blooded member of the team and ironically wielder of Ice magic. Her armors resembles a wolf. She will form a rivalry with Tsubasa.
  • Phecda - Last member of Terrible Trio. He's surprisingly honorable and friendly, especially with Tsubasa's team. He wields Electric magic and his armor resembles a hyena.
  • Megrez - The Brute of the group. Mentally unstable and extremely volatile, Megrez relishes combat and enjoys wreaking havoc. While he wields powerful Earth magic, he prefers to use his immense strength or his arsenal of weapons to crush the Star Warriors. His armor resembles a rhino.
  • Alioth - Enigmatic Minion and Noble Demon of the group. He does not carry the usual antagonism towards Star Warriors like his comrades and tries to avoid causing collateral damage when fighting. Akane, Tsubasa's The Mentor and Sixth Ranger, feels a strange, familiar vibe coming from him. He's a master of Wind magic and can use powerful sonic attacks. Fitting that his armor resembles a bat.
  • Mizar - The Dark Chick of the group. A sadist who loves to torment her enemies either physically or mentally. Because of this, and the fact that her weapon of choice is a whip, she gives a strong Dominatrix vibes. She is a master of Dark magic and her armor resembles a black panther.
  • Alcaid - The Dragon to Polaris and by far her most dangerous lieutenant. He's extremely loyal to Polaris and her cause. Because he only speaks when he deems it necessary or he is rarely send into combat, he remains an enigma. He has access to Light magic and his armor resembles a lion.
  • Alcor - The Evil Genius of the group. They rarely enters the battlefield. Instead, they does research on Star Shards to create new weapons for Remnants and seek out weaknesses of Star Warriors. Aside from Alioth, their closest friend, no one knows their true gender or what magic do they wield. Alcor is a girl. Alcor's armor resembles a Nine-Tailed Fox.
• Goals: Wreak havoc upon Japan and claim Vega's powers. Alioth, Alcor and Phecda want to save her from Polaris by awakening her under Altair's (her lover) request.
• Motivation: A desire for revenge against Japan and, oddly, wanting to save the world. For Alioth, Phecda and Alcor specifically: repay Altair for saving their lives.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Well-Intentioned Extremist: Polaris and her followers claim that their reason for wanting to destroy Japan and steal Vega's powers (which might kill her) are to save the world. Considering how the world got ravaged by Xreni's invasion and how Vega's powers can rejuvenate the world, they might have a point.
  • Dark Magical Girl: Merak fits this the most out of the group. She would be among the first members of Remnants to switch sides, under Alioth's request
  • Enigmatic Minion: Phecda, Alioth and Alcor. They are Good All Along and are working for Altair, Vega's lover
  • Revenge: They want to punish Japan for their apparent sins. The said sin was abandoning the rest of the world after the war. Japan isolated itself from the rest of the world and refused to help in rebuilding devastated countries. Any call for help fell on deaf ears and refugees were kept from entering the country by force.
  • Wham Episode: Alioth is a master of this trope. He will reveal most secrets behind the whole story.
  • Wham Line: When Tsubasa and Akane demanded why he knew so much about Hikari and her Star Shard:

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Usually, I put more tropes for characters, but I think wrote enough for now. I might try to write about them individually later. And I need to learn how to properly quote (as in text formatting quotes).

Btw, if any of you have any hero, could you please post them? My heroes that need a critique for quite some time now.

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

I posted a critique there a little while ago. Hope it helps!

@ Arctic Dog Well it's been a long time since I've been here, but let's see what I've got. Your story is an interesting one and I do appreciate the brief summary you gave so that the characters and their background make sense. It does seem a darker take on the usual Magical Girl formula, yet I like that it isn't ridiculously over-the-top dark a la *Madoka Magica*.

The "evil" squad you assembled each seems to be a potent threat in their own right, powers-wise (which is always good) and like any well put-together team, have their own motivations to act, which then splice into the greater whole of their goal. I put "evil" in the quotes, because even though their goal—the destruction of a sovereign nation—is sinister on it's own, the spoiler information puts some of it in context and makes for a grayer hint.

PS: I understand that I critiqued the story idea more than I did the characters, and I do apologize for that. It's just that there are more than one and I'm not used to commenting on groups of individual characters (organizations/armies are different). I hope this helps.

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Agent Kirin, thank you. Much appreciated and sorry for nagging about this.
Swordofknowledge, that was my intention to with The Remnants. When compared to the Xreni or Prime Minister Takao and Star Defenders, they're the least evil antagonists in the story. Almost everyone has good reason for what they do. With exception of Megrez and Mizar, who are Axe-Crazy Blood Knight and Evil Is Sexy Sadist respectively, every member runs on Necessary Evil with varying leves of sympathy.
Your critique helped a lot. Next time, I'll simply give emphasis on individual members of the group and highlight their backstories.

[EDIT] I forgot to mention, that I was inspired, so to speak, by Tansformers Devastation soundtrack. I associated certain songs to characters. For example, Megrez with Blitzwing's theme [1], Alioth with Soundwave [2], Alcor with Shockwave [3] and Kickback [[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k44o6z9fSD0&t=107s]] (specifically, to their "combat darlings" Master-less Star Shards.

Anyway, I'll let you guys pick who do you want to know more first.

Edited by ArcticDog18 on Sep 30th 2019 at 5:49:17 PM

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

Well I'm glad it helped. Yes, good stories (in my opinion at least) are when the characters from The Hero to Random Guard No. 11 feel like fleshed out characters with their own motivations, reasons and circumstances that led them to the path the reader finds them on. So from what little I read of what sounds like a big tale, you're doing well so far. On another note I know what it's like to have a team of characters that you want to put all at once so I definitely empathize!

Edited by Swordofknowledge on Oct 2nd 2019 at 6:29:03 AM

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

So this villain is from a setting my brother and I created and have been tinkering around with, adding and subtracting elements from and building for over twenty years.

• Name: Fear of Erth

• Age: Several thousand years

• Appearance: Fear is a female Winged Humanoid standing a little under 11 feet tall. Her skin is snow-white and crisscrossed with cracks that pulse with golden light in time with her heartbeat. Nine feathery wings extend from her lower back, the feathers being a metallic silver in coloration. In their "base" state, her wings are five feet long, but can extend almost indefinitely. Her "hair" consists of more of these silvery feathers growing downward from her head. Fear's eyes are maroon colored and each eye has a second eye directly above it. However this second pair remains closed most of the time, giving the illusion of eyebrows. For clothing, Fear wears a long white gown similar to an ancient Greek peplos and no shoes. Like her brothers in the Abyss Guard she is accompanied by a blinding white glow that either shines from her or behind her as she wishes.

• Personality: Fear is a paranoid and anxious creature. She trusts very few people, even those loyal to her. The closest to trust Fear can achieve is the assurance that she can dominate or kill a potential ally if they turn on her. Similarly, she has a low tolerance for anything she cannot readily understand, viewing it as a threat. As the physical embodiment of the Bright King Erth's sense of fear, his personal concerns are also hers. Losing his place as Top God, his creations losing respect or turning against him, harm coming to the universe and mortals he created...all of these worries eat away at Fear and she knows no peace from them. Because of this, and her role as a protector of creation, Fear has a...complicated relationship with mankind. She sees mortals and the worlds of men as valuable and worthy of keeping safe. However this concern comes with the condescending view that they are accident-prone and lacking in sense and insight. Fear believes fully that mortals need strict boundaries to keep them in line or that they need to be placed in an environment where they are unable to harm themselves or the universe her father made. While Fear's relationship with Erth's creations is a twisted and smothering desire to protect, she despises all forms of life made by other gods, even Erth's allies. To her they are an infection in her father's grand design and she has no qualms about butchering and ultimately annihilating whole civilizations if she feels they are likely to endanger Erth's peace.

• Abilities: Simply being in proximity to Fear can induce terror. She can increase this sense of fright to such a degree that those affected are driven to madness or even scared to death. Fear has an innate understanding of the personal terrors that sleep within every creature she looks at, and she can assault the minds of her victims with extremely realistic visions and hallucinations of these fears. This power can affect hundreds if not thousands of people at once, driving whole armies into a frenzy. Like the other Abyss Guard members, Fear was originally created to serve as a living weapon to defend Erth's creations from evil. Because of this, she has superhuman strength, speed, reflexes and durability. This durability is almost on par with the avatars that the gods use when interacting with the mortal plane, making her nearly unable to be harmed by modern weapons or magic. Even most darkness-based attacks have little to no effect. Fear can fly high into the stratosphere of most worlds, and can do so at high speed. Fear's wings also function like Combat Tentacles and Razor Wings; they can retract and extend at will and either twist around people and objects to crush them or move so fast that they cut flesh and bone to ribbons. Feathers removed from her wings can grow at her command until they become large feather-shaped swords. Fear possesses a scream that, when at its strongest, can be heard by every person on every world in the mortal plane, and can weaken the boundaries between planes. She is capable of granting power to those who worship her, though on a much lesser scale than Erth and can cure diseases, heal wounds and even halt the progress of possession by a Nameless God. In the Dream Land known as the Silt, Fear was able to effortlessly move from dream-world to dream-world, and had an affinity and kinship with any inhabitants created from the fears and anxieties of people in the waking world.

• Weaknesses: Fear's paranoia has led her to turn on loyal allies simply because they demonstrated behavior she was not familiar with, weakening her cause. She was no match for Erth's power, and when he threw her and her siblings into the Silt, Fear was trapped for millennia, and forced to rely on her loyal worshipers in the waking world, such as the knightly Order of the White Wing to put events into motion that would free them. The ritual that freed her and the rest of the Abyss Guard from the Silt caused them to leave much of their power behind in the dream plane. Thus while Fear still has much of her durability and illusion-inducing powers, her physical prowess is greatly weakened, though it slowly recovers the longer she spends in the waking world closer to Erth's realm. Fear and her brothers have a crippling weakness to the jet black crystals known as Void-Stones. As a true manifestation of the Abyss, even proximity to the crystals can absorb parts of their bodies and weaken them until they fade from existence entirely.

• Goals: Fear's primary goal is to keep mankind (Erth's mankind) safe from any conceivable harm. Her first method was to destroy any culture or civilization she felt was endangering this peace, but her current idea is to merge the entire mortal plane with the Dream Land of the Silt, placing all people in an endless dream where their desires will come true and no real harm will ever come to anyone. That this catastrophic plane-shift will likely kill most of the populace and leave the survivors incurably insane, means little to her.

• Motivation: Fear along with her brothers Compassion, Wisdom, and Rage were created by Erth to act as guardians of creation in the age before the gods chose mortal heroes to be their champions and enforcers. Fear wants nothing more to to prove herself worthy to her father and worries greatly about his well being.

• Role in the story: The leader of the Abyss Guard, four legendary protective beings who disappeared thousands of years ago for an unknown reason. An object of worship by a knightly order that once served the church of Erth and has since fallen into Fantastic Racism and religious fanaticism. When she and the Abyss Guard are released, Fear serves as the Big Bad and a particularly nasty enemy for the Guild of the Triumvirate and its leader Simon Travers. She is also a personal enemy to Tyren Aros the current Champion serving Erth, since part of her plan involved bringing four twisted and depraved versions of him with her from the Silt to serve as vassals for her and her brothers.

• Backstory:

Eons ago, Erth, the "Bright King of Light" formed the worlds of the mortal plane out of the Cosmic Fountainhead and populated them with living creatures of his own creation. Though he did not assist in the original creation, Erth's brother Darkness Father of the Void took an interest in the project and created his own world, also creating a race to populate it, though they differed from Erth's mortals. The creation of the universe enraged the Nameless Gods, the longtime enemies of the brothers, and the monsters spent much of the fledgling universe's early days trying to destroy it through various means. Eventually they gave up their overt assaults and it seemed peace would reign. However a fallout between Erth and Darkness created a far deadlier enemy. Darkness would become mankind's worst enemy, trying to destroy the universe through overt attacks or the steady corruption of mortal souls. Many worlds ceased to exist as Darkness' plane, the Abyss, encroached upon the universe without mercy.

In desperation, Eth decided that his creation needed protection beyond what he could provide for it alone. Since he did not trust anyone but himself, Erth decided to use himself to make a security force for the worlds. He chose emotions that, when combined together, created a peerless warrior. Erth then separated parts of those emotions from himself and wove physical bodies around them and gave them phenomenal powers.

Compassion to make one merciful and protective towards the innocent, Rage to fuel murderous intent and resolve to attack, Wisdom to strategize against an opponent, and finally Fear to cause caution and avoid charging into truly dangerous situations. Fear was made their leader due to the idea that she would make them prudent about how they went about their duties and engaged any enemies.

For a time this worked as Erth's "children" drove back the Abyss corrupted hordes. They were revered as protectors of mankind, earning the name the "Abyss Guard". However Darkness never relented in his attacks and as other gods appeared to stake their own claims in the mortal plane, Fear became increasingly troubled as she watched people and then whole civilizations turn away from worshiping Erth to these new gods. Finally unable to take it anymore, she led attacks against those who failed to give her father proper respect. This resulted in chaos and disaster as the Abyss Guard turned their powers on those they were supposed to protect, becoming twisted parodies of themselves.

Eventually Erth could no longer excuse or tolerate the threat they posed and removed them from the mortal plane and placed them in the lowest possible rung of creation, the Dream Land of the Silt. Soon after, he and the other gods began to choose mortal heroes to be their enforcers and protectors.

Within the Silt Fear witnessed the fantasies and nightmares of mortals above play out as the Silt brought them to life and then reabsorbed them in an endless cycle of creation and destruction. Fear's paranoia grew worse the longer she was separated from the mortal plane, where she believed her presence was desperately needed.

This continued until thousands of years later when she met a young mage named Gilbert Simms, who had accidentally traveled to the Silt as he walked the planes of existence in search of a cure for his worsening possession by a Nameless God. The two of them struck a deal—Gilbert would find a way for Fear and her brothers to leave the Silt and return to the waking world to reclaim their duty, and she would keep the eldritch parasite from consuming his body and soul.

• Relevant Tropes:

• And I Must Scream: Ovettans, the only race the Father of the Void created, have souls with a link to the Abyss that expresses itself when they are in danger. Fear exploits this as part of her plan to sink the mortal plane into the Silt by having the Negative Tyrens and her worshipers hunt down any Ovettan they can find and capture them to be strapped to large obelisks the Order of the White Wing erect in the territories they capture. Fear then traps their minds in a personalized nightmare made from their greatest terrors. This causes the power of the Abyss inside of them to flare, the obelisk spreading it out so that it can corrode the borderlines of reality itself.

• Anthropomorphic Personification: Explored. As her name suggests, Fear of Erth isn't the embodiment of fear as a whole—just Erth's. What makes her so dangerous is that she is afflicted with his fears without any of his restraint or redeeming qualities, allowing those worries to run rampant within her and make her carry out vicious and borderline irrational actions. Her brothers Compassion, Wisdom and Rage are similar, their flaws all stem from having only a single emotion at their core, with all others being superficial at best.

• Bad Boss: Fear's rampant paranoia makes it extremely difficult to work with her unless you have proven beyond a doubt that you are loyal...and even then it isn't guaranteed she won't turn on you if she thinks something is off. She kills three knights from the Order of the White Wing when they fail to find a group of Ovettans who were hiding in the surrounding countryside of an area the Order had captured. Why did she do this? Because the three had been so successful at capturing them previously that she beleived this failure must be intentional and the result of them turning against her plans.

• Big Bad: While the Abyss Guard are all dangerous, destructive entities in their own right, Fear is their created leader and it is her plans that the Negative Tyrens and the Order of the White Wing follow, threatening every world within the mortal realm.

• Body Horror: After Gilbert gets his arms chopped off by Simon and the Guild, it becomes clear that he is near-useless since it limits the spells he can cast...including the ones using the Ovettans souls to sink the mortal plane. So Fear simply lets his Nameless God possession progress enough to replace his arms with the over-sized gnarled and slimy arms the Nameless God within him would have when it took over his body completely.

• Brown Note: Just being in Fear's presence will make you feel a sense of unease and anxiety that will constantly have you on edge and with the urge to check your surroundings...while being afraid that suddenly looking away from her will cause offense. And that is if you are one of her allies. Fear can force people into a frenzy of terror with this same proximity effect and has undone whole armies just by approaching them. Her voice is more of the same; it always seems to come from a blind spot or over your shoulder, startling you and further adding to the discomfort. And her scream...well, that is a whole other story. See Make Me Wanna Shout.

• The Chooser of the One: When it comes to the evil Tyrens who came from the Silt. The four who came with the Abyss Guard were picked personally by Fear. The reason she chose those specific four was because of all the awful versions of Tyren born from his insecurities and inner struggles, they were a perfect blend of hateful, powerful, and willing and ready to follow orders.

• Charm Person: Her terror-inducing presence has the exact opposite effect on Silt denizens born from the nightmares and fears of people in the waking world. They see Fear as a warm and welcoming figure, making them more likely to follow her orders and at least hear what she has to say. Which is most likely how she was able to recruit an army of monstrous variants of the universe's citizens to storm the mortal plane as a last resort.

• Code Name: Fear bestowed one to nearly all the Negative Tyrens who serve the Abyss Guard. This was to avoid calling them by the same name since they are alternate versions of the same young man. The names are based on their powers as well as their experiences and deeds within their particular dream. They are Tyren the Inquisitor, Tyren the Steel Guardian and Tyren the Gorgon. The only exception to this was Tyren the Blood Drive who gave himself this name in a fit of lunatic joy when first obtaining his vampiric powers and nature.

• Combat Tentacles: Combined with Razor Wings. Fear's wings function more like prehensile limbs that can twist around an object or victim and crush the life out of them, or can move so fast that her target is sliced to ribbons without warning.

• Daddy's Girl: Fear deeply loves Erth but her nature causes this love to manifest itself as a deep pathological worry that he will fall victim to one or more of his many worries. Her protective intentions towards the mortal worlds are only because he created them and the races that live there. Any other race is not only unworthy of being protected in her eyes, but poses a dire threat to be eliminated.

• Destroyer Deity: The Abyss Guard as a whole, while hailed as guardians and protectors, were actually these. Even when functioning as they were meant to, they hunted and killed anything or anyone that Erth believed threatened the peace of the people and lands he had created.

• Diabolical Mastermind: Averted. Fear appears to be a cunning genius, recruiting evil versions of Tyren from the Silt, and manipulating disgruntled nobles and knights of the Solinri Empire who bear ill-will towards the increasing acceptance and friendliness between the races created by different gods. However it was her brother Wisdom who came up with the idea of using the mortals in the waking world to free them from the Silt and Gilbert who came up with the means and methods of sinking the entire universe into the Silt itself. To her credit, Fear did have the original idea of transporting all mortal life into the endless dream but she relies heavily on these two for directions on how to carry out this scheme.

• Dimensional Traveler: When in Erth's service, Fear could freely travel between the mortal universe and Erth's light-filled plane of existence. After being exiled to the Silt she lost this ability. However she could travel within the Silt and pass from one dream-world into another at will. This allowed her to view the events in those worlds as they played out for good or for ill before the Silt swallowed it up and repurposed it into someone else's dream or nightmare. When returned to the mortal world, she still lacks the ability to go to Erth's realm.

• Disproportionate Retribution: One of Fear's worst traits, and what led her to be imprisoned in the Silt for all eternity. When other gods came into existence through various means and joined Erth to form the Exalted House, Fear reacted to mortals worshiping these others by annihilating their civilizations entirely. She also lets Erwist and Caroline Cavar, the noble couple who founded the group that released her be Eaten Alive by Tyren the Gorgon's "pets". Why did she do this? The group of knights that were present when Fear and her brothers emerged from the Silt were dressed in modernized medieval armor and carrying guns, a sight that confused and scared her. Furthermore, she hates the Locksmiths simply for existing due to them replacing the Abyss Guard as Erth's guardians and her attempts to break Tyren go far beyond just needing him as part of her plan.

• Driven to Suicide: Fear eventually is driven into a corner with her plans to force all mortals into an endless dream dashed forever, her brothers dead, and her servants destroyed or scattered. Furthermore, she is facing both Tyren, her father's champion and Simon, the champion of Darkness. Seeing both of them working together as allies and genuine friends hammers home the point that the two had been making the entire time about putting aside differences and working with one another. She declares that she isn't brave enough to do something like that, and uses a fallen void-stone sword to impale herself through the chest.

• Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: She legitimately cannot understand the concept of bravery—i.e. being afraid and yet choosing to continue ahead, or staying one's hand from attack and talking things out with someone or something you fear. This proves to be her ultimate undoing, since Simon Travers and Tyren are able to persevere even through her aura of terror in order to sabotage the spell powering the darkness-spreading obelisks and stop the mortal plane from descending into the Silt.

• Expy: Of Several characters, namely Asura (Soul Eater), Hela (Thor: Ragnarok) and Barbatos (DC comics)

• Fallen Angel: Fear isn't an angel exactly (these do not exist within this universe) but she fits the archetype by virtue of being both a light-based Winged Humanoid who served a powerful and benevolent creator god, and who now endangers mankind due to her fall from grace. Slightly deviating from this trope, Fear has no resentment or anger towards Erth at all; if anything she sees her imprisonment in the Silt as a mistake on his part and just wants to reconcile with him...by going above and beyond her duty to keep mortal kind safe for eternity.

• Green-Eyed Monster: Fear despises the Locksmiths, champions of Erth chosen from humans he believes are worthy. She sees their existence as both a dire insult and a sign that her father has become so desperate that he is giving protective duties to the same fragile, accident-prone creatures they were supposed to protect in the first place. She has a personal grudge against Tyren Aros without ever meeting him due to his status as the latest in this long line of heroes, and she attempts to break him to prove that as a mere human, not only is he unsuited for the duty but the entire position was a mistake.

• Holy Backlight: Emits a golden or sometimes white glow from her skin and clothing at all times that pulses in time with her heartbeat. Depending on what she desires, the light can come from her or it can shine behind her, though no one is sure how this is possible.

• Humanoid Abomination: All of the Abyss Guard are these and Fear of Erth is no different. She and her siblings are essentially a fragment of one of Erth's emotions separated from his mind before having a physical body and intellect "built" around it.

• Kryptonite Factor: Void-stones, "fragments" of Darkness's plane, the Abyss which have then solidified. They are the only thing that can feasibly harm the Abyss Guard and they are very rare. However they are so potent that even proximity to the stones causes their bodies to begin to fade away.

• Light Is Not Good: In a universe where the protagonists have gone up against a Corrupt Church and bigots who utilize the power (both political and literal) of Erth against anyone they see as being unholy, Fear and the Abyss Guard stand as the pinnacle of this trope.

• Lotus-Eater Machine: She fails spectacularly at creating one of these. After Tyren's failed attempt to defeat Wisdom of Erth, Fear places him into one of her illusions, spinning a future in which Tyren had passed his mantle of Locksmith to a successor and retired, having several children and grandchildren with his long-time girlfriend. However Fear's nature leaks into the picture and soon Tyren's stories of his heroic glory days turn into tales where he either lost badly or committed atrocities against the people he tried to save. He soon figures out what is going on after that.

• Make Me Wanna Shout: Fear's scream is ear-piercingly loud, but it is more than mere sound. It carries the pain and horror of all whose lives were taken by the Abyss Guard and that is a power all of its own. The higher one's aura capacity is, the more they are affected by this sound; those with lower capacity will be knocked down and may bleed from the nose. Those with high capacity such as mages, users of Ki Attacks, and others who utilize their auras regularly will feel all of that pain and suffering and will either be struck dead or driven insane. Furthermore, the scream even makes the boundaries of reality just a little weaker. In "normal" circumstances, this wouldn't mean anything but when the mortal plane is slowly being lowered into the endless dream...

• Master of Illusion: Fear can induce hallucinations in people that mimic all five of the senses. Before being imprisoned in the Silt, she would combine her ability to "read" people's fears and her illusion effect to give her victims a hallucination of their greatest terror coming at them. After being in the Silt and seeing the more complex and varied fears of mankind, she cause people to hallucinate whole scenarios, complete with the passage of time.

• Mind Rape: When Tyren calls Fear out for her failed attempt at pacifying him with a Lotus-Eater Machine, she loses her temper and brings the full brunt of her power to bear against him. She first reveals the Awful Truth that the evil versions of him that are terrorizing the land were born from him...or rather all the psychological baggage he had acquired from being a Kid Hero forced into life or death situations at an early age, and then manipulated and fought over by a Deadly Decadent Court. Fear then forces him to experience the lives of each of his evil counterparts in the Silt—not just the four she chose, but all of them. From mass-murdering overlords to homeless drug addicts. By the time she is done, he is nearly catatonic.

• Mysterious Benefactor: To the Negative Tyrens. Due to the dream-worlds that they called home being born of an anxiety or nightmare of the waking world's Tyren Aros, each of them had suffered a fair amount of trauma and horror...even if some of it was due to their own actions. Furthermore, they were living on borrowed time due to the Silt breaking down and recycling dream worlds once their given purpose was fulfilled. Gilbert Simms would travel to these gods-forsaken lands and recruit them on Fear's behalf if she felt they served her purpose.

• Nightmare Fetishist: Despite her nature, she takes a strange and perverse pleasure in bearing witness to the nightmare worlds contained within the Silt. To her they prove that mankind is a fragile, frightened thing that must be protected at all costs due to how numerous these terrors are.

• Orcus on His Throne: Fear doesn't directly attack the heroes of the Guild until the final conflict. Justified since her focus is tormenting the captive Ovettans in order to maintain the spell that undermines the fastenings of reality.

• Teeth-Clenched Teamwork: With Tyren the Gorgon by the end. Fear resents and eventually comes to hate him for multiple reasons, but one of the strongest is his treatment of their arrangement. While the other Negative Tyrens look to Fear and her brothers as lords they serve, Tyren the Gorgon views it as a partnership that he can leave at any moment should things change.

• Volcanic Veins: Glowing gold ones that pulse with her heartbeat.

• You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Her ultimate plan for the Negative Tyrens, and indeed all who live within the Silt's temporary dream-worlds, nightmare or not. Fear intends for the Silt to become the permanent home of all mortal life. As long as the Silt continues to produce separate dream versions of the people, it won't be fit for her plan of creating a paradise where every wish will be granted in an instant without any risk to the populace. Thus she plans to find a way to make the Silt unable to create any more worlds once mortals are transported there. This flies directly in the face of many of the promises she made to the Negative Tyrens of granting their varying wishes if she is victorious.

Edited by Swordofknowledge on Oct 29th 2019 at 7:55:33 AM

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Bumped since I think I killed the thread.

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Oh its no problem, I was gathering some ideas - and I like what I see there. I've seen a few times the idea of fear and horror being some kind of protective or smothering force. Like with some of the Hellraiser comics - fear being used to keep things orderly or insulated. And I really like that kind of interpretation. I prefer a fear based villain when they're basically Lawful Evil instead of just LOL EVIL.

• Name: Belkhide The Soul Collector / The Master of Stygian Darkness

• Age: Belkhide's age is a funny thing.

• Personality: Belkhide is the kind of villain who has one unifying message for all his underlings; "gather unto me, and you will see your grievances avenged". He answers the grudges and desires of his followers, and in return for providing what they thought would never actually be given, they are by and large extremely loyal. He seems to believe that everyone is formed by grudges and dark emotions, and that the best way to handle them is to lean into them and handle them with cunning and ambition. Your inner darkness needs to be channeled and focused, made part of your goals rather than deny that part in you. Belkhide believes power is everything, the power to crush your hated foe, the power to wring his family's life before his eyes, and the power to banish your doubts. The Soul Collector promotes the idea that having doubts about your course and being anything less than The Unfettered is doing a disservice to your goals. If you cared enough, you would discard anything. Anyone. Who doesn't get with the program. Belkhide is utterly ambitious and cruel, and expects the same out of everyone in his cult of followers. And his ambition is to reach the very pinnacle - finally becoming a God in his own right. He is prideful in his ambition and even wants to usurp positions and mythical titles of dread in the meantime.

• Abilities: Belkhide's Soul Collector moniker forms a horrifying basis for his powers - he is capable of not only Life Drinker but drains the soul as he drinks the body. He stores the soul away, and can force it to inhabit hulking crystalline forms - which both lends his creations a hapless, powerless voice and power. He very frequently employs Energy Absorption to a very highly developed level - even being able to override and seize power over his foe's own magic and abilities to use against them. Even aside from that he is a peerless Mana manipulator, being able to form and shape his Mana into any number of blasts and lightning bolts, which, due to his absolutely toxic essence, are heinously destructive. He is capable of Super-Empowering by infusing trapped souls' energy into his minions. Belkhide is even capable of very, very convincing Mind Rape and mental illusions he can inflict upon his victims, letting him make it seem time, space and perception move however much he wants.

• Weaknesses: Belkhide in particular has an I Know Your True Name problem, and owing to being sealed away technically a lot of the time, banishing or exorcising him can make for something like an end to the problem for a while. He also literally cannot resist the chance to "twist the knife".

• Goals: Nothing less than a celestial override, and making himself into a new God. He doesn't care how it happens, just that it does.

• Motivation: Belkhide's original and guiding motivation was that he was a human warlord who worshiped the Dark Gods, slaughtering and dedicating his acts to them. But as he led this life for decades, he grew to despise how his body withered and became frail. And this led right into his hunger for more...

• Role in the story: Occasional Big Bad and Bigger Bad more often.

• Backstory: Belkhide started out as Barin Bel-Harid, a warlord who had from a young age worshiped the Dark Gods. He dedicated his life to conquest, magical power, and the Gods, slaughtering and destroying everything that would not submit to him. But over time, he grew to realize he was becoming old, weaker and tired, while the young men around him were going to achieve even bigger and better things than him. He tried to beseech the gods for some solace, but all they told him was to acquire the status of a Demon - which itself was not a solution to Barin. He yearned to both reign and live forever, and existing as a Demon would put him beneath the Gods in the immediate... forever. Instead, Belkhide saw the squabbles and arguments between the Dark Gods and came up with a plan. He formed a rigorously constructed, cunning deal that saw him acquire power and the prestige of being the "First-Crafted" of each of the Gods of Darkness all at once. The plan ultimately worked, and the Gods realized all too late what they had wrought. Belkhide was made, and due to the contract he retroactively existed from nearly the dawn of time. From there, the Soul Collector became a scourge upon the world - empowered so far that he could threaten conquest upon the world and all beyond it. Ultimately, a coalition of nine Mages of extraordinary power sealed Dread Belkhide away inside a device called Black Protocol 9. The Seal was solid...for the most part. Even they could not wholly seal Belkhide's mind, which would begin infecting mortal consciousnesses. Few care to imagine the horrors that would surely ensue if Belkhide fully escaped his bindings.

• Relevant Tropes:
• Abusive Precursors: He is positively ancient - and forms a singular example of this. His attempts at conquest frequently leave dark temples and underground buildings littered with traps, abominations cobbled together from animal parts, and evidence of horrid rituals.
• Ambition Is Evil: It certainly led him down a path of destruction - Belkhide's fault was easily that he never stopped being ambitious and desiring more; even when "wanting more" would easily harm those around him.
• Ancient Evil: Thanks to his Cosmic Retcon, he's older than the universe. He's even this without the revision, being an ancient warlord who made a Deal with the Devil to become what he is.
• Appearance Is in the Eye of the Beholder: Belkhide in his more spiritual forms can change how he looks to best suit what his human minions or pending minions want to see.
• Badass Boast: In response to someone correctly guessing his identity on the fly, "Ah, I see you scrambling humans still retain the wisdom to learn your history that far back...? Long has it been since I have been able to crush flesh beneath mine grasp, let the blood sluice between my fingers. I will enjoy this."
  • "Hero of Light, you will wither. Not a single mote of your light will save this city, drowned in shadow. It is a fitting offering unto me, both the city and its errant protector, to crumple as the spirit dries and the heart shrivels."
  • "Let it be known as I pry your soul from your body that as evil as you claim to be, nothing in your little black heart rivals the Darkness which I call my home. Evil is a word, a mere menu item for the mighty."
  • "Why is everyone falling over, little ant? All life knows to scurry to the master's side."
• Bad Guys Do the Dirty Work: With that paramilitary force breathing down their necks, Matthew and co. couldn't really do very much and were pinned down. Belkhide taking care of them was highly convenient but uniquely horrifying.
• Beam Spam: At his highest output, Belkhide can simply charge up more power - which represents as scything destructive beams arcing off of him.
• Black Knight: Belkhide's Knights historically are known for their heraldry being stained black, and lacking identification. The black of their armor due to contact with Belkhide seeming to ooze and shift as if alive.
• Blood Knight: Deeply enjoys exercising his horrid power over his foes, and enjoys it even more when people actually manage to fight back.
  • "I never thought I would find a psychic of such stern might among this rabble! Never since my own day have I felt such sublime power. You and I...will speak further."
• Body Horror: Being possessed by Belkhide is a fast track to this. He basically turns the body into whatever form and configuration he needs moment to moment.
• The Corrupter: His whispering voice in the ear of countless people led them to acts of evil and death.
  • "I remember each of those I spoke to. Before I spoke with him, Richard Ramirez was a pretty young lad who thought only about the girls he hoped to ask out. How...did that turn out? How many people did he manage to kill?"
• Deal with the Devil: He encourages making these with him - with of course the promise being to serve him eternally after death.
• Demonic Possession: His specialty, and he deeply enjoys using it to set up his cults and Religion of Evil type things when he's not using it to horribly screw with someone's body and mind.
  • I did not want to think that thing was my daughter. Its three foot mouth, whipping limbs, and hundred jagged teeth made me PRAY it was not her.
• Destroyer Deity: His most common role in his Religion Of Evil and Cult outfits. Worshiping him requires worshiping destruction as a means of advancement.
• Did You Just Scam Cthulhu?: He outright scammed the Dark Gods into giving him far greater powers than what they intended. As a result, while he's immensely powerful, they're loath to give him full command over the whole of their armies.
• The Dreaded: He is regarded such. When a specialized jar containing him was being fooled with, possibly releasing him in a populated area, even the Diabolist (a type of Mage who specializes in summoning and binding evil things to his will) who had it, Toby Grace, freaks the fuck out and begs his enemies not to let "the Nightmare King" out. They do, just to try and fight it as they'd had success against Toby's other minions, and the lesser villains all die horribly.
• Driven by Envy: Of the Gods themselves. Not a good combination with Ambition Is Evil.
• Egopolis: His driving tendency. "Belkhide's Holy City", anyone?
• Eldritch Abomination: By comparison to other Demons - Belkhide is impossibly ancient (literally), bragging about being older than the universe, and even sealing him away can't 100% solve the problem.
• Energy Absorption: Can absorb energy very well indeed, and even use this to hijack the powers of others to harm them.
• Enraged by Idiocy: He has no patience for fools or idiotic behavior. "Now, Sieg, I want you to pull up your little britches, suspend your issues and rip out that boy's throat with your bare hands. Or you and I will have a more permanent ending to our discussions."
• Everyone Has Standards: Despises indulgent behavior, nepotism, base corruption and Stupid Evil behavior.
• Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: Has nothing but sheer disdain for pacifism, and whenever it is presented, he schemes to drive said pacifist(s) to violence purely out of spite.
• Evil vs. Evil: Keeping with at least some kind of manner in regards to his "summoner", Belkhide in the incident logged under The Dreaded focused his attention on the Gibbs Conglomerate aligned forces. The Gibbs forces were paramilitary, scary Right-Wing Militia Fanatic types...and they barely last two minutes with all their military training.
  • "Matthew Streiss, first you imprison me yet again within that jar, now you desire a fast end to these curs? ...Very well. I needed to replenish my strength with a duly prepared meal."
• False Reassurance: He pulls this trick often, particularly in possession. "I swear unto you, I will not harm the dear little child, not even a hair!" He proceeds to possess the child and make it bite its own mother's throat out.
• God Guise: In the occasions he's been out, he usually sets up cults and in some stories full on Religion of Evil type organizations. It helps in comparison to even other Demons, Belkhide is in a league of his own.
• Hero Killer: His original rumble back in the day saw most of the heroes of the time die trying to stop him. Even in the present Belkhide getting resealed frequently results in excessive casualties.
• I Control My Minions Through...: ...his method is rather unique. He ties service to him to resolving and answering grudges and hate. By the time he's done, he's earned a new fanatic, because so many many problems have been solved by working for Belkhide. Even problems you didn't even know you had at the start...
• Immortality Immorality: He was already a hideously amoral man when he was just a human, being a pillaging, burning warlord who basically lived every day for more destruction and advancement. Then he undertook a deal to acquire immortality his way, and became worse. Now he searches for even better immortality as a God.
• Intangibility: His sword, the Vantablack Blade, can change from a regular looking blade to a shadow and back again. This has deceptively many uses.
  • Soul-Cutting Blade: On top of everything else, the Vantablack Blade not only damages the body but severely drains the soul.
• Large and in Charge: Unquestionably powerful and in charge of his armies and cults, and absolutely gigantic in most of his forms.
• Manipulative Bastard: Very, very capable of this. He stirs resentment and fear in Toby, and drives him to collect more dark spirits of more dire nature. Why? Because even though Toby is his jailer, he wants to see him follow this path to its end whatever it may be.
• Mind Rape: Simply being touched by him can cause it, and he can create very convincing mental illusions which give the illusion of the passage of time and physical sensation.
• Numerological Motif: Eight. Belkhide has eight wings, eight arms, eight eyes in his most common form, and his insignia is an eight pointed star superimposed over an infinity symbol. Which is an eight on its side.
• One-Hit Kill: Against less than optimal foes, Belkhide just needs one hit with that Vantablack Blade. And that covers a pretty wide terrain of foes.
• Orwellian Editor: He has a habit of claiming to be various figures - usurping their position.
• Person of Mass Destruction: Capable of personally causing destruction on a heretofore unknown scale. Once he tired of waiting, he personally entered the fray against tremendous magical armies thousands or hundreds of thousands strong...and all that remained of them were 64 individuals.
• The Power of Hate: A big believer in it. "In my opinion, spite makes right. Destroy and hate those who would cast you down."
• Sealed Evil in a Can: He's often sealed away, but getting him to stay fully sealed is a really big problem.
  • Leaking Can of Evil: His cans inevitably turn very much full of leaks. It is difficult to keep his mind from being able to ah, take mortal vessels for joy rides, and the longer it goes on the worse it gets. Only the Black Protocol device can really hold him very well, and even that has its limits.
• Shock and Awe: Frequently manifests deadly lightning bolts which he can use to either kill people or levitate them up. Even the latter is referred to as being heinously painful.
• Super-Empowering: A rather darkly exploitative version - he can empower those around him with energy from his stolen souls.
• Time Abyss: "I am older than the universe, fool. You cannot fight me in as much as you cannot fight the sun!"
• Walking Wasteland: Belkhide's very presence in his physical form can have this effect. Simply landing reduces a prosperous field to a withered husk. And his touch or his Mana can similarly have negative effects on human beings and others.

Edited by NickTheSwing on Nov 21st 2019 at 3:13:52 AM

Sign on for this After The End Fantasy RP.

My apologies for how long this critique took to make!

Unlike a lot of your other villains, Belkhide strikes me as a very Self-Made Man. If I may, he honestly reminds me of Merlin's backstory from Seven Deadly Sins (the part about "obtaining" the blessings of so many powerful competing deities through trickery and using them to his advantage). Also if we're going into anime references, his name reminds me off the evil artifacts that prey on your worst moments and turn you into a demon in Berserk so there's that.

Anyway, about being a self made man: so many of your other villains have, for one reason or another, served dark evil powers whether it be out of genuine—but malignant—loyalty or out of the need for power to fuel their own ambitions. Beklkhide stands out from the ones I can recall because he is the exact opposite. Someone who is uncompromising about being his own person and never giving away his autonomy or freedom for power, even though he craved it. So much so that he took an entirely different option to ascend into something greater than himself.

Now abut his powers. While I don't have anything to exactly say about his abilities—they are interesting and suitably monstrous for his personality and your setting, they don't exactly have any really unique markers that I can latch onto to comment about. I do like the Transformation of the Possessed thing he has going on, since that is one of my favored aspects of inhabiting another body so thumbs up there.

Again, all I can really say about Belkhide is that I like where he is as a person and character in regards to your other villains. I do also appreciate how you manifested a villain who is pure evil without going over the top to create a Complete Monster (such as Elijah Gibbs). Again making him dissimilar to your other creations, they came off as either monstrous and inhumanly evil or "evil but honorable and someone you'd like to grab a drink with and/or pledge yourself to their service. This one is a weird fusion of the two.

"Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake." —Edgar Wallace

Name: Jablis

Age: Timeless

Personality:
It is a devil that wants acrimony and sengsara through many means. It is nourished by the inherent darkness of humanity and suffering. It openly despises the Amida and the Josses of Cathay.

Abilities:
It is capable of projecting illusions to tempt and manipulate people over a large distance. It rules over the material realm of desire, which is the world of humans and uses its domination to manipulate events to prolong sengsara, ignorance and desire.

Weaknesses: It cannot comprehend the radiant light of compassion, wisdom and mercy of the Amida, the Josaphats & Ilahi. It also finds it difficult to battle Josses without retreating once it becomes prolonged, painful fight. It cannot handle the harmony of the Kaom Amarelo. It is also weak to relics, amulets and the Amida's thaumaturgy and budi (preternatural knowledge).

Goals: Keep the Kaom Amarelo in a state of ignorance and sengsara by every means and convince the Amida into giving up.

Motivation: As it is.

Role in the story: Secondary antagonist

Backstory:
A powerful devil that rules the Material World conceived from the darker depths of the hearts of the Kaom Amarelo and the rest of humanity. It is a emanation of humanity's total ignorance, death, evil, pollution, despair, agony and impermanence. It came to existence because of it.

Jablis attempted a temptation towards Intan's previous incarnation, Saka Josaphat so that it could thwart him from attaining enlightenment and freeing himself from sengsara.

Defeated, Jablis waited for another thousand years until the birth of the regent Josaphat, Intan who was prophesied as the Amida, the anointed one of the Kaom Amarelo who would deliver them from suffering of the toils and injustices of slavery.

Relevant Tropes:

• A Form You Are Comfortable With: It uses its illusions to transform into comprehensible forms.
• As Long as There Is Evil: As long as there is wickedness, ignorance, despair and suffering in humans, it will continue to exist and rotate the wheel of suffering.
• Deity of Human Origin: It is a devil born from the darkest of humanity's impulses and demons.
• Eldritch Abomination: It is indescribably awful and horrifying entity with otherworldly goals that manipulates humanity and warps reality with its illusions. Even the Josses could not encounter it directly without a battle and consider it the unspoken, ancient evil.
• Greater-Scope Villain: While it is a major force in the story, it is presented more of an obstacle than a confrontational villain.
• Fantastic Slur: Refers the Kaom Amarelo as Earthen and humanity as illusory creatures
• Made of Evil: It is a living manifestation of humanity's suffering and darkness.
• Outside-Context Problem: Due to its horrific, alien and acrimonious nature, Joss Masu did not talk about it to Intan unless necessary.
• Shadow Archetype: To the Amida Intan, Joss Masu, the Wali and the Oracle of Cathay, Syakamuni Josaphat and the Ancient of Days.
• The Scottish Trope: As the Josses dread it because of its nature and consider its name a great taboo, they prefer to refer it as the True Enemy, the Acrimonious One, the Accuser, Saitan, the August Star, Lord of the Impermanent, the Nameless Evil the Turner of the Wheel and Mara
• Ultimate Evil: Every time it appears, it takes on one of its illusionary masks or brief, unclear glimpses of its true form.
• You Cannot Grasp the True Form: As usual for its type. It is a formless entity. Instead, it takes form of a frightening amalgamation of... things.
• Walking Spoiler: As its nature reveals a large amount of background information about the setting..

@ Jablis

Took a trip to Wikipedia to suss out a lot of it. Much as I like mythology a lot of the terminology was actually a bit unfamiliar to me. Judging by what I've read though, it seems Jablis is almost a Mara-esque figure with a side order of Gnostic Demiurge.

It might help if you add trope links to some of the terminology, make it easier for those less versed in Buddhist mythology to understand.

@ Belkhide

Between his characterization and that one use of False Reassurance Exact Words, I'm getting strong Dio Brando vibes from this guy.

I think that's what makes a truly effective Complete Monster rather than 'lol I evil'. Someone who knows what he wants and will cross any line to get it is a lot more believable than someone who just gets off on doing wrong. They can indulge in wickeder impulses when they're entirely secure in their power, and that is a buffer against Stupid Evil. The latter can be done well (#Monokuma), but it's difficult if you want the character to be taken seriously.

In other news, two more villains for my Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid fic. The third (and fourth) member of Ensiferum's inner circle: Heimdall and Hel. Yes, it's a joint entry, but since these two are a Liberator/Extar duo, it'd be wrong to do them separately.

• Name: Heimdall and Hel
• Age: 21 (Heimdall) 23 (Hel)
• Personality: Empty. Whatever SOLDIER training they got under The Organization broke them entirely, and now they're more weapon than human.
• Abilities: 'Hybrid' Infected like Lady J and Rain Hasumi or the denizens of Bhikkhuni: Heimdall's drive is twin revolvers, Hel is a huge sniper rifle. Gen 2 SOLDIERs like Mirei: elevated strength, speed, durability and endurance.
• Weaknesses: Their aforementioned physical abilities have their limits: enough damage will kill them.
• Goals: To serve Ensiferum
• Motivation: To serve Ensiferum
• Role in the story: Whatever Bankwell orders them to do.
• Backstory: Difficult to suss out, but their status as Hybrids hints at a past on Bhikkhuni before they were scooped up by The Organization and made into SOLDIERs. Captured or bought by Ensiferum at some point and made into the rough equivalent of a blunt object for them.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Boobs Of Steel: Hel is bustier than Heimdall, and fights with close-range Gun Kata, while Heimdall's specialty is sniping from a distance.
  • Cold Sniper: Heimdall: her partner Hel becomes a sniper rifle as an Arm, and Heimdall wields her with deadly precision. While Hel starts showing hints of emotion during her fight with Lady J and Rain, Heimdall never shows anything but icy calm, even as she's plummeting from a skyscraper to certain doom.
  • Empty Shell: They're more machine than human: to say they entirely lack ego isn't far off.
  • Evil Counterpart: To Lady J and Rain: they too are hybrids and freely swap between Arm and human form mid battle depending on the situation, and Hel's Arm is a huge sniper rifle similar to Rain's Disarmament Buster. But whereas Lady Lady are flashy and prioritize their freedom over anything else, Hel and Heimdall are silent, unquestioning drones in the employ of Ensiferum. Fittingly, the two teams battle.
  • Expy: One is a flat, long-haired brunette with a colossal rifle, and the other is a busty, short-haired blonde with dual handguns: their personalities may not fit, but the uncanny resemblance to Ryoubi and Ryouna is still there.
  • Gender-Blender Name: Heimdall is the name of a male Norse god, and for a while it looks like Ensiferum's sniper is a man too: turns out that not only is she a girl, but she's an Extar/Liberator hybrid in the vein of Lady Lady, with her huge anti-materiel rifle the Arm form of her partner Hel.
  • Good Scars, Evil Scars: Hel has an hideous burn scar that covers the left side of her face and body. Fitting, considering her codename.
  • Guns Akimbo: Heimdall's Arm form is twin revolvers.
  • The Gunslinger: Hel, who wields Heimdall's Arm with fluidity and grace as she leaps and darts around the battlefield blasting away at her opponents.
  • Implacable Man: Are we sure these two aren't Terminators? They're almost as stubborn as Bankwell himself in pursuing their targets.
  • Improbable Aiming Skills: To give one example: Hel chucks one of her revolvers into Rain's face, then shoots the revolver in midair before it falls with her other one. The bullet ricochets off the grip and shoots Rain right in the kidney, and the revolver is sent spinning back right into Hel's hand.
  • No-Sell: Hel manages to keep Heimdall in her Arm form despite being hit by Rain Hasumi's Disarmament Buster through sheer force of will.
  • Pinball Projectile: Both Hel's sniper rifle form and Heimdall's revolvers form do this to almost ludicrous extents: they seem to home as much as ricochet, bouncing around the arena off of anything and everything and unerringly redirecting themselves at their target no matter how many times they're dodged. Justified in that there's nothing normal about Arm-based weaponry.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Initially, the two are almost interchangeable in personality, or lack thereof. As their fight with Lady J and Rain wears on, it's shown that Hel is the more emotional of the two. Despite not saying a word, she takes clear pleasure in fighting the two, at least at first, and indulges in taunting gestures like Gun Twirling and spinning the cylinder of Heimdall's revolver form, as opposed to Heimdall's machine-like calm.
  • Token Super: The only ones in Ensiferum with Arm virus powers: the fact they're probably the weakest of the inner circle should give you an idea of how freaking insane Ensiferum is compared to Mamori and Mirei's other enemies.
  • The Voiceless: Neither ever say a word. Even when Heimdall Drives she just buries her face in Hel's shoulder and whimpers a bit.
  • Villainous Breakdown: Hel gets visibly, progressively angrier as Lady Lady manages to keep pace with her, especially when Lady J blasts her with Disarmament Buster. Her attacks become wilder, starts mixing in grunts of exertion, baring her teeth and glaring viciously: understated by normal standards, but for Hel it's blind, shrieking, slobbering fury. Then when she's launched out the window by a second Disarmament Buster, she gets a look of horror and screams all the way down.

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Apr 5th 2020 at 2:36:32 AM

Don't forget to critique my villain.

There isn't much to talk about in terms of their characterization. They seem more like weapons than people - which can be intimidating, but they don't seem to have much going on outside of intimidation factor and presence in battle. The real villain would probably be the person who made them and maintained them.

• Name: Isaac Noble

• Age: 32

• Personality: Isaac at a first glance is a charismatic, witty and progress minded futurist billionaire who is at the heroes' side, providing aid and sustenance to them. Isaac is a bit of a showboat, definitely enjoys the life of a man with money, and is always keen on expanding his investments and interests. He's visibly fit and capable, being by far more than just a soft executive. Of course he wouldn't be here if he was just that... The truth is he is a charming manipulative cad, believing that the future belongs to those who plan for it and invest in it the most. He - like Lex Luthor - conflates his own accomplishments, ego and drive with that of humanity, seeing himself as a champion for humanity against the interests of explicit powerful superhumans. Making it all the more ironic that he has a superpower of his own; a compelling voice that has substantially distorted his personality around it. He believes that it is his duty to "make use" of this gift to push people in the right direction. Which just so happens to always involve his ends being met. Isaac is always willing to do cruel and underhanded deeds to make sure his "good ends" are met. Even then, he is demonstrably a fan of petty revenge, especially when his plans are threatened multiple times. Despite his calm and cool demeanor, he has a surprising amount of rage inside against other superhumans, as well as some issues regarding his parents.

• Abilities: Isaac has a powerful Compelling Voice, owing to practicing with it for over 20 years in secret. Nobody outside his secretaries know he has a superpower, and it's a carefully guarded secret. Isaac can either brutalize someone's mind to such an extent they end up basically a zombie, or carefully work someone over to an extent they never realize their opinions are not their own. Isaac is also fond of various machines to equalize the playing field, including suits of Powered Armor and Super-Slayer robots operated either by him or by a scientist. Isaac's strongest weapon is unquestionably though his keen, capable mind.

• Weaknesses: For all his intellect, Isaac is a consummate egotist, and he knows it well enough to admit it. For those with the right power set, there are definite tells when Isaac is either controlling someone else with his voice, or trying to do so. This is marked in story by use of blue text.

• Goals: Isaac wants the future to be one controlled and dictated by him and his company. "The world needs a stern hand at the wheel. Of course I won't be explicitly ruling the world. That's a fool's game. I'm just going to be saying my piece to world leaders...and they'll of course listen."

• Motivation: His father supposedly taught him about the true nature of people, and his mother taught him he needed to go and seize the day himself before another does.

• Role in the story: Greater-Scope Villain in a few cases, Big Bad of the Conquest Conglomerate.

• Backstory: Isaac started out as the son of Devin Noble, a wealthy philanthropist, science afficionado, and international financier. Devin was nothing if not cruel to Isaac - despite all Devin's efforts, Isaac was all of 5'8, red haired, 65 IQ, and incapable of reading, being physically active or socializing very well. Devin saw this as disgraceful and mercilessly abused Isaac all the way until a scientist showed up who had a method to "improve" Isaac. Devin then put Isaac through CRISPR Full Phase Genetic Therapy, despite the risks to his then 13 year old son's body and mind. And over a year or two, Isaac changed; his hair turned to his father's preferred shade of golden blond, he grew to six foot four (at age 15!), and became brilliant and physically astonishing (and unbeknownst to anyone else, his powers developed). However, Isaac still remembered the abuse and the hate his father showed while he was weak, and his mother's hedonism and disregard. So Isaac ultimately killed his father after posing the question "Why was I despised when I was weak, and beloved when I became brilliant?" Noble's mother however remarried when Isaac was 18 to a much younger man, never caring enough to really involve herself in the investigation that followed. Isaac for his part ahh, connected with his new stepfather, Kris Caulder. Mere months later, his mother then died in a clash between superheroes that destroyed the home she was staying in. This led to Isaac fully and finally inheriting his family's wealth and developing into the industrialist he is known as now.

• Relevant Tropes:
• Abusive Parents: A violent, horrible monster for a father, and a hedonistic, cruel harpy for a mother. "My answer is that my father saw me as a product..."
  • Self-Made Orphan: "...And in turn, I discovered I saw my father as a washed up, useless set piece."
• Affably Evil: Control Freak, egotist and aspiring shadow dictator, yes. Unpleasant company, no.
• Berserk Button: Losing out on investments, be they people or projects. "Let me make one thing clear, Mr. "Shriek". There's one thing I really, truly do hate. And that is my investments blowing up in my face. So put on your panties, pull up your tights, and kill those heroes."
• Bi The Way: Isaac is fundamentally bisexual - he has been described as "blond bisexual Lex Luthor". His sexuality is remarkably free of villainous acts, despite the dubious nature of his and Kris' relationship. He just has a very inappropriate idea of what constitutes a good relationship.
• But for Me, It Was Tuesday: He responds to a superhero confronting him about turning her brother into a mechanical monstrosity by saying "You're going to need to be more specific. Maybe you missed the giant army of my machines out there."
• Charm Person: But of course. He is fond of working pretty subtle.
• Combat Pragmatist: Being that he has only his armor, weapons and maybe his voice, he fights very dirty when it comes to it when he engages the superheroes.
• Compelling Voice: "I've got something of a talent with my voice." He has a lot of experience with it, including being able to embed commands in his speech such as "I mean, it'd be much appreciated if you'd consider thinking about my perspective before making these judgments on my character." This results in the person he's talking to switching from opposing Isaac's investments in the power grid to supporting them over a week.
• Corrupt Corporate Executive: Makes use of his money to his advantage.
• The Dog Bites Back: Isaac bit back so hard at his father that it ended in extremely violent dismemberment of Devin Noble.
• Enemy Mine: On occasions when both he and the heroes have the same foes, he's willing to overlook past incidents and put his resources forward.
• Genetic Engineering Is the New Nuke: Gene editing turned Isaac into one of the most dangerous men alive, on top of awakening his superhuman powers.
• Hypocrite: Claims to want to save humanity and the world. Converts many, many humans into his robot underlings because he doesn't trust people.
• Kingpin in His Gym: Isaac is shown working out and practicing fighting numerous times, always wearing rather skimpy gym attire. Workout Fanservice a plenty! It helps Isaac is physically a stunning specimen.
• Money Fetish: "All that you see before you I own. I've risked life and limb for profit and I live with the benefits. That's remarkably thrilling, and I can let you into that life."
• Mr. Fanservice: Isaac is absolutely ripped and not shy at all about showing it off or using it to his manipulative advantage;
  • "Oh, my apologies! I just got out of the shower." And of course Isaac walked in with a towel, clad only in a pair of sinfully tight black boxers that hid absolutely nothing.
• Muscles Are Meaningful: On top of fulfilling his ego, they're also useful in helping him throw down.
• Parent with New Paramour: Diana Noble didn't really care when her husband died, just that she needed a new one to finance her lifestyle of parties and luxuries. Isaac responded...by seducing his stepfather.
• Powered Armor: Makes use of a number of powered armor suits to keep up with the heroes when they manage to trace his villainy back to him. "I'll admit, I take a certain satisfaction in crushing your skull personally for once."
• President Evil: One of his goals. "We need to lower the age. Young people - like me - often have amazing ideas for this country. Lower the required Presidential age to...oh, 25. I'll run this country with an understanding of science, of business and the future."
• Puppet King: Makes use of these to manage shell corporations. Often literally, as these people often are just unthinking zombies who follow his commands.
• Revenge: Though not in any typical reason or rationale. He wants revenge on supers in general for the death of his mother...because he wanted to be the one to kill her, much like he did his own father.
• Robot War: Via accrued resources from countless schemes, Isaac laced water, medicine, and even food and drink with nanomachines that multiplied and spread - turning people into horrifying robots. At the same time, the governments are suborned by Isaac's Compelling Voice, and let the robots do as they will.
• Smarter Than You Look: Assuming Isaac is a vapid gym going techbro is a quick way to learn he's ruthless and just so happens to be flirty and Affably Evil.
• Sophisticated as Hell: "As much as I prefer not using such crude language, I hope that hole in your stomach hurt you disgusting son of a bitch." This follows him literally shooting a hole through a former extreme end Anti-Hero current Super Supremacist via a laser cannon mounted on Isaac's Power Fist.
• There Is No Kill Like Overkill: Once he is unmasked as a supervillain, he never does anything by half measures. When he's got the world under his thumb, he responds to news of the heroes surviving by trying to get a bead on them and then aiming a Kill Sat.
• The Vamp: A rare male example. Isaac is not shy about using sex to get what he wants.
• Villain Team-Up: The Conquest Conglomerate - consisting of Isaac and numerous villains. Unlike the usual, he invested in teamwork exercises and relationship building. "I find a good team is based on mutual respect and understanding of goals."
• You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: "I'm not a fan of loose ends, Colonel. Especially when loose ends come with loose lips like yours." He then kicks his collaborator out of the plane now that all use for the guy was done.

Edited by NickTheSwing on Jan 13th 2020 at 11:32:51 AM

Sign on for this After The End Fantasy RP.

Isaac Noble. Oh, how his surname is ironic.
Like you admit it, he's very similar to Lex Luthor in many aspects, not only his ego. With his resources, keen intellect and Compelling Voice powers, he makes for one threatening villain. The one that's very hard to remove. Overall, very nice, as everything fits nicely. Tell me, if there anyone who could see right through him and not get affected by his powers. The only thing comes to mind is a machine programmed to kill him specifically.

Now, it's time for me to present another villainous group. This time, it's for the Highschool Dx D / Shin Megami Tensei crossover - a Dark Summoner syndicate, the Lokapala!

---

• Name: Lokapala (in Hindu means: "Guardian of the Gods")
• Members:
  • Ichigo Hayakawa - Founder and leader of Lokapala. Former member of Kuzunoha Clan, currently allied with Hindu god Krishna and the Divine Powers (or Polytheistic Alliance). You can read about him here: [1]
  • Serph - Real name: Takumi. Second in command of Lokapala. Pragmatic and ruthless. Has natural affinity towards Ice magic and demons of that element.
  • Sera - Real name: Tomomi. Serph's twin sister. Loyal to her brother and oblivious to the real danger Ichigo and his master pose. Specializes in Healing, Support and Ice magic
  • Heat - Real name: Akira. Former Yakuza. Hot headed and brutal. Obsessed with Tomomi, nearly to Yandere levels. Affinity towards Fire and Physical skills.
  • Gale - Real name: Shouhei. Strategist of Lokapala. Member of JP's, who was blackmailed into service. Naturally adept with Wind and Dark spells.
  • Cielo - Real name: Ryoichi. A guitarist from a niche metal band. Greatly dislikes Ai Hina idol pair (if you played Devil Survivor 2, you will know who) for supposedly stealing his audience. His specialty is Electricity.
  • Agrilla - Real name: Aimi. Former nurse, who is loyal to Lokapala after giving her a reason to live. Specializes in Light and Support magic.
  • Roland - Real name: none. An artificial human created to be a killing machine. Is treated as a powerful demon with preference towards Electric and Physical skills. Created as a contingency plan by Serph and Magicians allied with Lokapala in case of Odin and the Divine Powers' betrayal.
  • Jinana - Real name: Raynare. Saved from death by Lokapala and fused with a powerful demon, her only goal is to destroy Occult Research Club and kill personally Rias Gremory, Hyoudou Issei and Shinjiro Kusanagi
• Goals: Varies, but generally all have one thing in common - destroy J Ps and Kuzunoha Clan, and prevent a peace treaty between 3 Factions. Gale and Argilla want to save Gale's wife. Sera later joins in.
• Motivation: For Ichigo, his loyalty to Krishna and the Divine Powers. For Serph, Heat and Cielo, greed. For Sera and Argilla, loyalty to Serph Not for long. Gale is being blackmailed. Roland has no will on his own. And, Jinana and Ichigo are motivated by revenge.
• Relevant Tropes
  • Shout-Out: All members aside from Ichigo have their code names and elemental affinities based on characters from Digital Devil Saga.
  • Dragon with an Agenda: Serph is not all that loyal to Ichigo and Krishna, considering how he turned Roland into anti-Odin weapon
  • Trapped in Villainy: Gale is forced to work for them, because they kidnapped his wife.
  • Butt-Monkey: Cielo is this. He is the least threatening member of Lokapala. And the first to die.
  • Desperately Looking for a Purpose in Life: The reason why Argilla stays with them. After talking to Otome and Sona, she was willing to defect
  • Undying Loyalty: Sera to her twin brother. It gets Subverted, after she finds out how dangerous Krishna and her brother are
  • Spared by the Adaptation: Dying Raynare is saved by Serph, who then fused her with Megami Lakshmi, receiving a huge power boost
  • The Dog Bites Back: Once Gale's wife is rescued, he immediately turns on Lokapala and severely wounds Serph
  • Redemption Equals Life: By defecting to J Ps, Sera, Gale and Argilla end up outliving their comrades
  • You Have Failed Me: Cielo and Heat were executed after failing crucial missions. Cielo was supposed to incite civil war in Devil's domain, while Heat was supposed to obtain Demon Summoning Program from J Ps
  • Dragon Their Feet: Raynare attacks Shinjiro after Krishna's plot was foiled and Ichigo died when fighting Issei.

---

I know it's not much. I usually write more about one character. I promise, next time, it will be one character. Maybe about a member of Remnants from my Magical Girl Warrior story?

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

@Nick

Took your suggestion to heart. Hel's now the more emotional of the two, to the extent that she actually seems to have emotions. As for their creators, that would be AAA/The Organization, the same people who made Mirei and Momoka into super soldiers via torturous experiments. Whereas Mirei got away and got a happy ending with Mamori and Momoka snapped into a Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds, Hel and Heimdall completely dissociated.

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Jan 17th 2020 at 6:11:01 AM

@Lokapala

Digital Devil Saga definitely needs more fans, and it's cool to see a shoutout to them in the form of your villainous team, though I'm curious as to the reasoning behind their naming conventions. Are each of its members related to the original Embryon in some way (Heat is still obsessed with Sera), or are they just taking up the names for some ironic reason? Otherwise, yeah: they're your standard-issue Evil Team. Glad to see they're not all just capital E evil for no reason, and there's plenty of backstabbing and antivillainy involving them.

I've developed the Big Bad of the Valkyrie Drive story I'm writing a bit more: Commander Bankwell, who you can read about here. A couple more tropes to make you hate this guy more.

• Bad Boss: A violent, unstable psychopath who basically terrorizes Ensiferum into mindless compliance.
• Eviler than Thou: After browbeating her into giving him resources, funding and equipment and forcing her to create the Ragnarok Virus, Bankwell injects the CEO of The Organization with it, turning her into the monstrous Garm and setting her loose against Mirei to cover his escape. The prior mentioned CEO was the one responsible for the SOLDIER program that turned Mirei, Momoka, Hel and Heimdall and countless other innocent girls into super soldiers through agonizing experimentation, which makes her responsible for the SOLDIER that slaughtered Bankwell's squad. Best Served Cold, huh?
• Hoist by His Own Petard: When Bankwell injects himself with the Ragnarok virus, he manages to absorb both Arms and Ragnarok from everyone, everywhere around the world, including Mamori and Mirei. Despite how obscenely powerful this makes him, Mirei manages to kill him, and when he dies, no more virus. It's thanks to him that the virus is finally, decisively cured, even from Mamori and Mirei, who would have been left the sole carriers if their initial plans had come to fruition.
• Master of Delusion: Somehow has managed to convince himself that Ensiferum's actions are the only thing keeping an ungrateful world safe from the Armed Virus, when in reality his organization is solely responsible for the Happy Ending Override and things being worse than ever.
• Moral Event Horizon: In-Universe, Thor considers Bankwell having crossed this when he learns of the Ragnarok Virus, an artificial strain of the Armed Virus that he forced the leader of The Organization to create. Those infected with Ragnarok turn into bestial, half-Arm monsters, and not even Mirei and Mamori's Valkyrie Drive abilities can cure it like it can with the Armed Virus. Bankwell intends to unleash it on the public to give Ensiferum something new to fight, to stroke his ego as detailed below. After all of Ensiferum's atrocities, it's this that finally shatters Thor's loyalty to him, and he promptly turns on Bankwell and starts helping the heroes to bring him down.
• Not-So-Well-Intentioned Extremist: His apparent belief that the infected and non-infected can't get along may be genuine, but deep down in a dark ugly place it was never about that. His true motivations stem from the fear he felt over nearly being killed by a SOLDIER way back when. Insuring a steady stream of new Extars and Liberators is nothing about 'making sure Ensiferum is always needed', or 'constant vigilance against the scourge of the Armed Virus' or any of that. The reason he actively attempts to create a Forever War is so he can keep soothing his bruised ego by tormenting the infected, reassuring himself of his strength every time he kills or imprisons one.
• One-Winged Angel: Injects himself with Ragnarok after being pushed into a corner by Mirei and Thor, becoming a huge monster made of lava with a flaming sword called Surt. When Surt is destroyed by the two of them, it crumbles into a smaller, humanoid form, though at that point, ironically, there's nothing of Bankwell left: while he kept his mind in lava-monster form, the humanoid form is a mindless incarnation of the Armed virus that goes on a rampage.

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Jan 18th 2020 at 2:51:55 AM

To answer your question, it's basically a huge reference to Digital Devil Saga, and there's an in-universe reason for it. The whole crossover, while following Dx D story, is a fusion between Dx D universe and SMT franchise as a whole, not just selected game series (you can thank Devil Survivor 2 cast for this, as they sorta botched regressing the world process). This also included Digital Devil Saga.
I wanted Embryon members to somehow appear in this story, as I already had planned characters of both Devil Survivor games, Shin Megami Tensei IV + Apocalypse and Devil Summoner to appear. They received the biggest Adaptation Deviation treatment, with them technically not being the Embryon members we know. They have some similarities to their canon counterparts, but in appearance and slightly in personalities, they are different people.

I hope I didn't mess up the answer.

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

A failed regression...so is this new Lokapala a Revealing Continuity Lapse? Like, an Embryon that could have been? That'd be interesting.

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Jan 18th 2020 at 5:37:13 AM

I'm not sure if it's the right thread for this, but let me list out things that happened as a result of this regression (which took place at the end of Triangulum Arc):

• J Ps, demons and other supernatural forces still exist, despite them attempting Record Breaker path
• Events of Devil Survivor 1 happen 2 years before the start of the story (Song of Peace route). Cast of DS 2 couldn't stop it from happening
• Septentriones (with Alcor) and Triangulum are back, but they are instead God's secret weapon against Trihexa. This time, Cor Caroli and Miyako are separate entities.
• Events of Shin Megami Tensei I and IV are prevented, but past lives of Nanashi and Flynn sacrifice themselves to do so. The incidents spurs the creation of J Ps
• Flynn, Walter, Jonathan and Isabeau were trained by the Church as Exorcists, then by Kuzunoha Clan as a part of alliance between the Church and the Clan. War of Bel happen - Flynn and Isabeau join Kuzunoha (with Flynn becoming new Raidou), Walter joins Gaeans and Jonathan remains with the Church. Jonathan joins Irina and Xenovia in their mission to retrieve pieces of Excalibur.
• Asahi, Hallelujah and Nanashi grew up in Kuoh Town with (relatively) normal childhoods.
• Amala Labirynth exists. Azazel of (Leader of Fallen Angel faction) plans to explore it.

I hope I didn't break the thread rules writing this...

I will become a great writer one day! Hopefully...

Jeez...let's hope the Akashic Records stay intact. What even caused such a catastrophic failure?

If you're worried about things getting off topic, I did put some more tropes for Commander Bankwell that need some perusing.../shamelessplug

How much do you know about Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid, anyhow?

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Jan 18th 2020 at 6:40:20 AM