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"THOSE BOOBS! THEY'RE TOO AWESOME! WATCH OUT! I'M COMING IN HOT! REAL HOT! AAGH I'M GOING DOWN!"
Being an animated teen sex comedy means there's not going to be any shortage of Crosses the Line Twice.

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    In General 
  • All of Jay's family, from his divorce's lawyer father, his alcoholic mother, and his brothers Val and Kurt who force Jay to trim their pubes and eat semen. If they were real people, they'd be bastards, but the cartoonish exaggeration makes it too hilarious to take seriously.
  • Maury keeps several disembodied dicks in his possession, which all seem to have sentience. It's also implied that all hormone monsters have this, or at least the male ones.

    Season 1 

Ejaculation

  • Andrew talking about why they need to find dates for the dance, and we find out Jay has some odd ideas about sex.
    Andrew: Jay's been saying he's going to get fingered at the dance!
    Nick: Okay, I think he's got that wrong. Either that or you have grossly misquoted him...
  • Maurice the Hormone Monster appears before Andrew while he sleeps over Nick's house and convinces him to masturbate to Nick's cat clock and think of his dad's co-worker Susan. He finishes in his underwear.
    Maurice: Good night, you prince of Westchester. You king of the tri-state area.
    Andrew: What do we do about the mess?
    Maurice: Sleep in it, pig. Mwah.
  • When Nick goes to talk to an older girl:
    Jessi: Those girls are gonna eat him alive...and then barf him back out because they're bulimic.
    Matthew: You're fucking funny. She's funny! We're friends now.
  • Coach Steve horrendously singing along to “Lady in Red”.

Everybody Bleeds

  • When one of the students asks if Nick and Jessi are dating, we get a few seconds of everyone staring at Nick and Jessi while dramatic music plays, and then we cut to a squirrel in a tree...and a ladybug pops out from inside the acorn the squirrel was holding:
    "Oh, shit! What these motherfuckers gonna do?"
  • Jay gets interrogated and profiled by security guards after he tells his friends he's gonna make the Statue of Liberty disappear. After winning them over with magic, they say he's way more fun than Kal Penn, who's shown wearing a bag over his head in a selfie with the guards.
    Jay: Oh yeah, Kal Penn can straight up go fuck himself!
    Guard: Maybe dial it back there, kid.
  • Coach Steve, to no surprise, has no idea the Statue of Liberty was originally a gift from France, and when Mr. Lizer tells him about it, he says they never taught him that at a list of increasingly bad colleges, only to finally admit that he can't even read.
  • On the way back from the Statue of Liberty, we get the song "Everybody Bleeds" (sung by a tampon with Michael Stipe's face) while the bus gets stuck in traffic. Everyone decides to get off the bus and stand around in the middle of traffic like the video for the R.E.M. song being parodied...until the song stops with the bus driver yelling at everybody to get back on the bus.
  • Coach Steve accidentally buying marshmallows instead of pads for Jessi, since he can’t read.
  • If a kid called their parents by their first name in real life, they'd be a brat. Connie telling Jessi that it's an empowering part of female puberty and Jessi then bellowing at her mom "GET THE HELL OUT, SHANNON!!" is still wrong, but it's a funny kind of wrong.

Am I Gay?

  • The ridiculous movie trailer Nick and Watch in the opening, which is apparently an actionized adaptation of Paul Bunyan, starring Dwayne Johnson.
  • Nick doesn't realize that Jessi broke up with him due to how nice she was about it.
  • The "Gay Test". It's similar to an eye test, but it shows images of people the one being tested might be attracted to in order of femininity to androgyne to masculinity. First a Girly Girl and a Tomboy, then the Tomboy and Tilda Swinton, then the latter and David Bowie as Ziggy Stardust and finally, David Bowie in Labyrinth and The Rock.
    • Andrew shockingly realizing he really might be gay.
    • Maurice fills out a form after the exam, then reveals that he's just drawing a unicorn. A super muscular unicorn fucking Mr. Clean.
  • Andrew's father shutting off his light for bedroom, then remaining in the dark when Andrew wants to talk to him so as not to waste electricity. This one is especially funny if you're Jewish and are all-too familiar with the phrase "I don't own stock in Con Edison!"
  • Andrew asks Matthew for advice when he thinks he might be gay, and Matthew says that it would make sense considering how bad he is at being straight. Cue a girl walking up to Andrew to turn him down pre-emptively just in case he ever tried asking her out, and Andrew being completely understanding.
  • The beginning of the scene with Nick and Andrew going to the movie theater:
    Nick: God, what’s taking so long?
    [It turns out that Coach Steve, who has pinkeye, is at the front of the line, and wandered into the movie theater on accident]
    Man on line: Hey man, hurry it up! We’re gonna miss the movie!
    Coach Steve: Movie? I thought this was the self-checkout at Walgreens! No wonder why I couldn’t find prescription eye drops and those sticks you could floss with!

Sleepover: A Harrowing Ordeal of Emotional Brutality

  • Connie's full-throated R&B song about Devin's flat-iron hair.
  • Andrew walking through Jay's back door through a pile of discarded sneakers saying that it reminds him of a Holocaust museum.For those who don't know...  Of course, Andrew is allowed to say this because he's Jewish.
  • Jay having a Pitbull named Featuring Ludacris, so when you introduce him, it sounds like "Pitbull featuring Ludacris."
  • Jay gives them a tour of his house, ending with "The Door We never Open".
    Andrew: Because there's something terrifying behind it?
    Jay: It's the door we never open!
    • During the climax, it turns out it's actually just Jay's mom's room.
  • The horrifically violent and sexist video game the boys play at Jay's house, which mostly revolves around killing women.
    Andrew: Oh my god, they die in real time?!
  • While walking home at the end, Nick refers to the sleepover as "a childhood memory they'd bring up as adults as a fun anecdote, only to realize it was almost certainly child abuse."

Girls Are Horny Too

  • Every time one of the male characters finds out that girls get horny too, their head literally explodes.
    • Maurice's head explodes as well after Andrew tells him.
      • After Nick's impassioned reading of a passage from the steamy book, Lola's head explodes.
  • When Jessi enters school with her new sexy red bra, Andrew is so distracted that he says "Hi Red Bra." Maury lampshades this.
    "Jesus, Andrew."
  • Barbara's fantasy sequence about Gustavo from The Rock of Gibraltar (a Dashing Hispanic who is magically turned into a horse), which is interrupted by Marty's scallops diarrea.
    Fantasy!Gustavo: Madre de dios! Even when I was a horse I did not make sounds or smells of this nature!
  • Leah trying to explain the complexities of what women find arousing to Nick, who has a bit of trouble with the subtleties.
    Nick: Wait, babies and faceless guys are sexy?

Pillow Talk

  • When Missy says that Andrew with a hat reminds her of Woody Allen, Caleb goes on a non sequitur about the director's personal life.
    "Woody Allen was accused of molestation. He says he didn't do it, but he did marry his stepdaughter. It is both very complicated and very simple."
  • Nick and Andrew forge permission slips from their parents so they can skip school and go to New York.
    Coach Steve: Well, these were obviously forged... in the fires of good parenting!
    Andrew: I feel bad taking advantage of this man...
    Nick: I think he's honestly just happy to have any human interaction...
  • After Pam leaves with Scorpion, Jay decides to start a relationship with his bathmat.

Requiem for a Wet Dream

  • Maury tells Andrew that life started on planet Earth when a giant alien came to fuck it.
    Andrew: So life started because a giant alien had sex with the Earth? I don't know, that sounds like Scientology.
    Maury: Yup. Of everyone, they got the closest.
  • After Ms. Benitez tells the class that they'll be in teams of three instead of two for the science fair, the class goes to pandemonium. Highlights include Lola breaking a beaker and threatening anyone who gets close to Devin, yelling that Devin's hers and two kids tearing a third kid's arms off.
  • In this episode, we are introduced to Coach Steve’s Hormone Monster, Rick. Rick has some of the funniest lines in the episode:
    “You’re the man, Steve! Give her a kidney!” [Falls down]
    • His line after Ms. Benitez confesses her (platonic) love for Coach Steve:
      "And I love pizza! Cowabunga, dude!"
  • Matthew tricking Jay into thinking Trans Equals Gay and convincing him to tell everyone that, all for the sake of his own entertainment.
  • Ms. Benitez teaching Coach Steve to read:
    Ms. Benitez : Okay, Steve, you're going to have to learn your letters.
    Coach Steve: Well, obviously, I know the big song. (To the tune of the alphabet song) Teepee, fat guy, sideways moon, other fat guy, sideways comb!
    Ms. Benitez : Wow. That is a song.
    • Afterwards, Coach Steve mentions a Noodle Incident of someone being nice to him in the past.
      "Wow, Miss B, you're so nice to me! You're not trying to steal my kidneys are you? Because I've been fooled multiple times..."
  • Maurice tries to push Andrew into masturbating. Andrew counters Maurice's influence by willing Garrison Keillor (former host of NPR's ''A Prairie Home Companion) into existence. Keillor's lack of sexual charisma apparently causes Maurice pain.
    Andrew: FEEL HIS SEXLESSNESS!!
    Keillor: [speaks boring gibberish]
    Maurice: [screams in pain]
    Keillor: And now I'll breathe through my nose hairs.
    • Right before Andrew and Missy can have their First Kiss, a tremor happens. What makes it funny is Maury's declaration right after it stops.
      "THAT WAS ME! I DID THAT! I'M TAKING CREDIT FOR IT, LIKE ISIS!"
    • Maurice then reveals that he tore Keillor's head off in a fit of rage. Garrison Keillor keeps talking in his dull voice, which makes Maurice scream "There's only one way to make you shut up!" and forces the head to give him a blowjob.
  • Juicy by The Notorious B.I.G. being the end credits music for this episode.

The Head Pusher

  • At the start of the episode, the school is putting on a version of The Crucible mixed with Scientology, with the main character based on Tom Cruise, because the Church of Scientology donated money to the school.
  • Nick's eyes and tongue bulge out cartoonishly when he meets Tallulah...and then they won't go back inside his head, leaving everything (including his pupils and irises) drooping on the floor.
  • Judd bought wine for Leah and her friends, albeit reluctantly.
    Judd: Alright, here's your gay-ass wine for you and your gay-ass friends. The Jack's (Daniels) is mine, I hope your party sucks.
    Leah: Thanks Judd, you're America's sweetheart!
  • When Jay arrives, Nick asks how he knew there was a party. Jay nonchalantly reveals that he has a camera in the Birch's kitchen.
    • He tells Nick it's to watch Nick's mom cook. His own mom just puts fast food on the table and lets him and his brothers fight over it like animals.
      "BOYS! FEEDING TIME!!"
  • Jay brings over a case of Cotton Candy Brandy to the party, a liquor brand "made for kids, by kids", which is not only marketed directly to kids, it also causes temporary blindness, and, if the ending is canon and not just a one-off joke, brain cancer.
    • Jay's dad defended the distributor and only lost the case because he called the judge "a fat bitch".
    • Nick lampshades how absurd it is that Jay's dad represented a child liquor distributor.
    • It gets dark after Jessi reads the label on the bottle.
      Jessi: "Cotton Candy Brandy. Made by kids, for kids. Please help!"? Christ! Where did this come from?
      Jay: Bangkok. A children's prison actually.
      • After Jessi expresses her disgust, Jay points out that it isn't being made anymore because the jail burned down.
  • The Deliberate Values Dissonance of Judd repeatedly calling Nick "retarded faggot." The sheer over-reaching he's doing to be offensive (and the reality that many teenagers like him do just this to sound cool) is too idiotic to take seriously.
  • Nick pokes fun at the fourth wall after accidentally telling Jessi about her mom's affair.
    "Aw, fuck, me and my big mouth! [belches] Big Mouth, that's the show. That's the show. (to the viewer) Hey, you. Are you at home on the elliptical watching this? I see you. Don't you say a fuckin' word. [laughs]."
  • Right after kissing Jessi, Jay says it's better than when he kisses his bathmat. This is partially the cause for Jessi to vomit on Jay.
  • All the ghosts in the attic making fun of Nick's penis.
    Ghost of Whitney Houston: (singing) Your dick loooook's like a baaaaby's nose!
  • The cutaway gag about what a head push is... done as a spoof of Seinfeld to soften the blow of an otherwise serious discussion.
  • Daniel's behavior most certainly isn't funny, but some parts veers into Crosses the Line Twice, such as him claiming that Leah giving him blue balls counts as assault.
    Daniel: All I wanted was a blowjob at a high school party, is that so wrong?
    Jay: Hey, only I get to quote my dad's law commercials!
  • Pretty much the entire "Head push" conversation, mainly because it involves the high schoolers, the middle schoolers, the hormone monsters and the ghosts. Especially this contribution from Maury.
    Jay: How else are men supposed to get blowjobs?
    Maury: You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air, and say, "Dinner is served!"
  • Topping of Daniel's Humiliation Conga has him discover that someone slashed the tires of his car, which turns out to have been Judd. Nick thinks it's because Judd was getting back at Daniel for being a dick to Leah, but turns out Judd was just slashing the tires of every car in the neighborhood.

I Survived Jessi's Bat Mitzvah

  • When Diane expresses her sadness that she's going to have an Empty Nest, Elliot tells her that she can take care of him instead.
    Elliot: You want me to dress up like a baby?
    Diane: You're such a weird perv sometimes.
    Elliot: Aww. You remember of vows? Mommy.
    Diane: [starts crying]
  • Connie and Jessi complaining about how terrible her life is, as well as the terrible dress her mother made her get for the Mitzvah. Connie then suggests Jessi burn the house down in a particular moment of anger, and use the dress as kindling.
  • Jay pulling a rose out of his sleeve to cheer up Jessi doesn't work so well because the rose he uses has sharp thorns, which gives him a bloody arm.
    Jay: Ta-AHHH! JESUS FUCK!!
  • Following up on the cameras in the Birch's kitchen, Jay tells Nick that he actually has cameras all over the house while he lambasts Nick for being a poor son.
    Jay: I watched how you treat her with all the cameras I have hidden all over your house. It's fucked up bro.
  • Coach Steve DJs Jessi's bat mitzvah, and tells all the Jews to get onto the (dance) train. Matthew and Lars are offended they weren't included.
    • Coach Steve later has to specify that he does not actually know the difference between the various religions.
  • At the height of everything going completely wrong, everyone takes a break to put their problems aside. Why? So they can do the Electric Slide!
    Nick: Are we really gonna do the Electric Slide right now?
    Andrew: I guess. It is a bat mitzvah.
  • The “Life is a Fucked Up Mess” musical number.
  • When Nick goes to talk to his mom, you can see a passed out Lars on his wheelchair, which is slowing moving forward.

The Pornscape

  • Sylvester Stallone in a porn film. If that concept alone doesn't make you laugh, then hearing him shout "Adriaaaan!" when he climaxes will do it. For added humor, the porn in question is actually real, though it obviously does not include this scene, since the film in question was shot years before Rocky.
  • Maurice punching a hole in Andrew's wall... then immediately deciding that it looks enough like a vagina to want to fuck it.
    • He draws a caricature of a woman for the hole, which remains for the entire episode.
  • The Pizza Boy Special Delivery porno that Andrew and Maurice briefly watch.
    Ron Jeremy Look-Alike: Did someone order a pizza? 'Cause I already ate it.
    Woman: (exasperated) Jesus, Ron, are you gonna to burp into my pussy again?
  • Andrew hallucinates in class and thinks Ms. Benitez wants to "punish" him. When he's brought back to reality, his teacher is naturally unhappy with him.
    • Even funnier is how Caleb and Lars repeat the dirty talk Andrew said while hallucinating.
  • While on a date with Jessi, Jay mentions that his dad has a shower in his office and that both his dad and his dad's secretary have robes there too. Jessi naturally assumes that Guy Bilzerian is sleeping with his secretary. Jay only realizes this after Jessi says it out loud.
  • After Jay and Jessi find a dead body, Jay decides it's a good time to ask Jessi to be his girlfriend. She lampshades that it is not a good time for that conversation.
  • Maurice brings up the time he uh..."skull intercoursed" Garrison Keillor's severed head.
  • When Nick finally goes through puberty, he gets assigned a Hormone Monster, who turns out to be Coach Steve’s Hormone Monster, Rick.
  • Marty is more concerned over the hole in the wall in Andrew's room than the fact that his son is being arrested for being a Serial Killer.
    Marty: Andrew, my son... you put a hole in my drywall! (despairingly) I'll have to go to Home Depot on a Sunday!! Officer, take him away!
  • Andrew doesn't enjoy his stay in prison.
    "My cellmate called me a pretty shit today, it's a real mixed message!"
    • The fact that they apparently put a 14-year old boy in adult prison! Even the worst underage suspect goes to juvenile care, or more often than not, is released into their parents' custody.
  • While talking to Nick in the prisoner visitor room, Andrew accidentally quotes one of Guy Bilzerian's law commercials.
    "They're saying I'm a serial killer, but I'm just a chronic masturbator."
  • The evidence that clears Andrew's name is a security camera the caught both the real killer dumping the body and Andrew throwing his jizz soaked socks, the latter of which has gone viral. It's titled "Pear Shaped Perv Dumps Jizz-Soaked Socks at Synagogue".
  • The final scene of the episode (and, by extension, the season) in which Maurice basically apologizes for the show itself.
    Maurice: Look, I know this all seems embarrassing right now but maybe one day, you'll look back on this time fondly and perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.
    Andrew: What, like a show about a bunch of kids masturbating?
    Nick: Isn't that technically child pornography?
    Maurice: Holy shit, I hope not! I mean, maybe if it's animated, we could get away with it. [looks sheepishly at the fourth wall] Right?

    Season 2 

Am I Normal?

  • After watching Jay interact with Pam, Jessi asks herself "What the fuck am I doing?".
    • After Jay and Jessi part ways from Pam, Jay assures Jessi he was with Pam before they got together, and that since then, he's only been with her... and his bathmat. He then decides to prove it by reading from his jerk off journal.
      Jay: January 8th-
      Jessi: Jay!
      Jay: -I woke up with a boner that could cut glass.
      Jessi: Ugh!
  • Marty's solution to make Andrew more normal is wax his lip.
  • While kissing Jessi, Jay says he's forty. This ruins the mood, as Jessi isn't into pretending to be engaging in pedophilia.
    • After Jessi calls him a psycho, and a random bystander says he sounds like a psycho, Jay claims he took a test that came out negative on being a psycho.
  • Connie fears for Jessi's future.
    Connie: You're gonna be one of those weak women who go for bad guys with stupid brains and garbage dicks!
    Jessi: Oh my god I'm going to be living in Tampa, Florida!
    Connie: And you're gonna have dirty ass kids with juice stains around their mouths!
  • After Jessi discovers that Jay took Suzette back with him, he tells her a ridiculous story about how he had to get Suzette out from the situation she was stuck in: a couple was using her to lure in tough magicians to have threesomes with. Well, if nothing else, at least the kid is consistent with his fantasies and/or delusions.
  • It's revealed the Coach Steve still goes to a pediatrician because, in his words, "I'm what's known in the medical community as a manbaby".
  • Duke's advice for Nick, who feels like he'll be a little guy forever, is to get a gun.
  • Jay and Jessi decide to give up and return home after Jay blew through the last of their cash ordering Hungarian meatballs at a diner, because "it sounded funny".
  • The premier episode ends with a montage of Coach Steve throwing up from eating cottage cheese (since it was established early on in the episode that he was lactose intolerant), being put on a stretcher, grabbing a carton of milk out of nowhere, going into anaphylactic shock, being put in a body bag only to spring back to life and inexplicably comes of of the body bag with a big wheel of cheese, only to die again and dramatically rise from the grave. The final shot is him licking a cow's teat while it throws up in a nod to Tom Green.

What Is It About Boobs?

  • Missy isn't aware of how bad things are with Jessi's parents. So when she sees that they're watching the girls' soccer game, she thinks it's a good sign, until Jessi tells her that it's bullshit, her dad is living in the basement, and her mom is dating a woman.
    Missy: Ohhh! Ok. [kicks a soccer ball] I am playing this cool, but some of that is new information.
  • Jay says that the girls aren't playing real soccer, and that it's only sports if it's being played by men, starving dogs, or juiced up horses.
  • This page's image, which ends with Maurice breaking his legs and begging to be euthanized. Lars then tells Maurice that Disney World is better when you're disabled.
    Maury: Kill me! Somebody kill me! I don't want to live my life in a chair!
    Lars: It's not all bad. We can do Disney World in like, an hour and a half.
  • Coach Steve has never seen a naked woman before, so when he sees Jay with his penis hidden between his legs, he thinks that Jay is a woman, and that he's accidentally walked into the "triangle body locker room" again.
    • He was also unaware that you can have sex without conceiving a child, and the boys have to tell him this.
  • When Andrew has dinner at the Birch's place and they start talking about breasts, Maurice naturally gets excited. He goes from wondering if Leah and her mother will have sex to wondering if Nick's mother will let Andrew suck her breasts.
    • The reveal that Maurice doesn't know any of the other Birch's names, and thinks Nick's last name is "Bork".
  • Nick impresses Gina with his Coach Steve impression, which is only spot-on because they're both voiced by Nick Kroll.
  • After Andrew wakes up from an Imagine Spot about a field of boobs, he finds that he's humping Caleb's backpack. Caleb goes berserk and beats the shit out of him for doing this. Jay goes from panicking and shouting "That's his one rule!" to thrusting his crotch and cheering on the violence.
    • Gina and Nick watch this, and Nick unconvincingly tells Gina "they're actually very good guys."
  • When Andrew is wondering whether he can have horny thoughts and still be a good person, Maury responds as such:
    Maurice: Look, as His Holiness the Dalai Lama once told me, you have enough blood to fill your heart or your schwantz. Not both.
  • After seeing Jessi yell at Cantor Dina, Missy had this to say:
    Missy: Hey mom, I just want to say, thanks for not getting tempted by a vixen.
  • After Andrew apologizes to Missy about making girls feel weird about their bodies, which she has no idea about, he proposes that if they're still single in three years that they should get married.
  • As messed up as it is, there's something darkly amusing about Jessi making her mother cry and telling her to go to her room.

The Shame Wizard

  • Jay fails to do an alley-oop, hits the rim face first, and finally falls into the pool.
  • Jay reveals that he only pees once a week, for half an hour.
  • Gina's grandmother is fine with Gina being alone in her room with Nick because Gina's grandmother considers him a "safe boy", to his chagrin.
  • Gina's little sister repeatedly tells Nick to sleep over.
  • Nick blatantly pitches Netflix to Gina.
    • When he gets to the part about a way to get it for free, the screen goes black, with a messages saying "Scene Redacted".
  • Andrew tries to confess to a rabbi, but it is of no help because: A) he doesn't believe Jews feel shame, only guilt, and B) he's busy advertising his son's business, a wig store for religious dogs!.
  • Andrew's argument with a catholic priest, where they trade stereotypical insults and ends with Andrew saying this:
    Andrew: A lot of adult men would be attracted to me and this big can of mine. [pats his rear as he walks off in disgust]
    • The priest is immediately confrontational with Andrew when he learns he's Jewish.
      Priest: I'm just not surprised you're in here trying to get advice for free.
    • The priest gets angry when Andrew accuses him of being a pedophile, and tries to prove that he sleeps around with grown women (mostly divorcees) by showing panty pictures on his phone.
      Andrew: These are shorts.
      Priest: These are shorts. Looking at these now, I see that they're shorts.
  • Andrew being put on trial by the Shame Wizard is funny for so many reasons.
    • The Shame Wizard tricks both and Andrew and Maurice by telling them the courtroom is actually a mac and cheese restaurant.
    • When Andrew is accused of masturbating to his dad's secretary every night, Maurice objects and says that he does it during the day as well.
    • One of the people testifying against Andrew is a giant tooth that has a face on it and has a woman's lower body.
    • Andrew is accused of sexual assault by a sock.
      Sock: He used me like an object! I mean, I am an object, but for feet, not for... [cries].

Steve the Virgin

  • Coach Steve reveals that he has no idea what a condom is. When he was young, and a guy named Gary visited his mother while his father was away so that he could "do push ups", Coach Steve would later find "yogurt balloons" that he would eat.
  • The episode opens up with Coach Steve singing the opening theme, completely off-key. At the end, he asks if the viewer fast-forwarded through the credits, which makes it hilarious if you actually did do that, catching you off-guard as a result.
  • Matthew announces that Donald Trump has declared a national "Pantsing Week", to help kids toughen up while also keeping it sexy. Matthew's tone of voice implies that he's just as baffled as everyone else.
  • "I'm Gonna Do Sex on a Lady", in case you didn't realize how little Coach Steve knows about sex.
  • Lola straddles her mini-golf club and calls out to Andrew.
    “Hey, Andrew! I’m Quidditch!”
    • Her increasing frustration at Andrew not pantsing her.
      "Andrew, why won't you pants me? I'm wearing one of my mom's thongs, and I put tanning cream all over my buttcheeks!"
    • At one point, she's so pissed that she breaks her mini-golf club on her thigh, and goes on to pants various people to prove to Andrew how simple it is (Nick unfortunately included, unfortunate because he isn't wearing anything underneath his pants).
      Caleb: (after getting pantsed by Lola) I feel... embarrassed?
  • When the Shame Wizard targets Jessi, Connie tells him to get the fuck out of here. In just his second episode, the Shame Wizard has already lost his menace.
  • When Nick is pantsed by Lola at a mini-golf course, his father tries to take the heat off him by pantsing himself. Naturally, he gets arrested for indecent exposure.
  • Coach Steve thinks that Rick is a genie, so when the latter says that he needs to leave, the former says his last wish is to set Rick free. Rick himself notes how ridiculous this is.
    Rick: I love this guy, but he thinks I'm a genie!

The Planned Parenthood Show

  • In Missy's skit, Andrew is a janitor who has to throw poop out the window by hand.
  • After learning that Coach Steve has no idea what contraception is, Matthew makes a comment on the person the former lost his virginity to.
    Matthew: I think the person who had sex with you may have committed a crime.
  • Matthew's skit has Nick's sister Leah in a Bachelorette-type Imagine Spot where she's courted by anthropomorphic birth control methods. The pull-out method is represented as a trashy guy who flirts with her mother immediately after she picks him.
    • Diane stops this because this method gave her chlamydia. She then states that Leah will be on the pill and use condoms.
  • Elliot telling the entire class that he is getting a vasectomy. The reason is so that he and his wife can enjoy sex as much as they want without worrying about Diane getting pregnant. Nick, understandably, tries to stop his father from saying all of this, but fails.
    • Afterwards, he tells Nick the story of how he met Nick's mother while getting a vasectomy and on some strong painkillers. The timeline is all over the place (e.g. he claims to have been an adult in the 50s) and there's always this lobster that likes to watch them while masturbating.
      Elliot: My penis was as hard as it is to watch you kids grow up.
      Nick: Dad, this is unforgivable.
  • When Andrew is born, his dad practices yelling his name before deciding he likes it. The guy knew exactly what kind of parent he was going to be.
  • Coach Steve correctly predicting that conservatives are going to be up in arms about the episode's controversial subject.
    Coach Steve: And thank you Liberal elite for your awesome agenda!
  • It's revealed that Coach Steve has at least one real friend in life. Who's that friend, you ask? None other than Slenderman.

Drug Buddies

  • While talking about taking drugs for the first time, Jessi and Nick go on a non sequitur about how much they miss Obama because he was their best president.
  • Nick realizes that Jessi is using peer pressure to get him to try drugs with her, but all she needs to do to convince him is ask if he would prefer to do little dick boy stuff instead.
  • Jay reveals that he used to do marijuana, but doesn't anymore because it interfered with his libido.
    Jay: I couldn't get hard... enough.

Guy Town

  • Nick points out an odd detail about the back support belt Elliot is wearing.
    Nick: Dad, are you wearing a weightlifting belt for women? Because that (cut to the image on the back) is for sure Rosie The Riveter!
  • Tyler, Nick's new hormone monster, wants to take a picture of Nick's penis and set it as Nick's contact picture on his phone.
  • Elliot acts just as weird towards his male friends as he does his family members.
    Elliot: (while sitting between Marty and Greg in the front of a truck) I don't understand why they call this the bitch seat. [puts his hands on Marty and Greg's knees] I get to rest my hands on the knees of two men who I truly love.
    Marty: Take your hand off my knee!
  • Marty sums up Guy Town in one sentence.
    Marty: Ugh, look at this place, it's like a daycare center for lonely men!
    • He's also the only one who seems to be concerned over the massive amount of safety and construction violations throughout the building. For one thing, the rooms don't seem to have any outlets, just extension cords running into business outside. Another thing, the spot where a smoke detector is supposed to be just has a singing novelty bass hooked into it.
  • Elliot is so weak that, even with his back support belt, he throws his back out from carrying a box of blankets.
  • Caleb gives a Blunt "Yes" when asked if he thinks Matthew's just young, gay, and mean.
  • After Nick's successful date with Gina, Tyler grows his horn. Unfortunately, he wasn't aware that it would be a very painful experience, so he screams how much it hurts during the credits.

Dark Side of the Boob

  • Tyler completely fails at helping Nick with Gina in the beginning.
    • While the two are having a good time, Tyler tries to convince Nick to admit that he's hard, which he doesn't do.
    • After the two start kissing, he suggest that "[Nick] put his wiener in".
    • While Connie performs an awesome music number to help set the mood, Tyler clangs cymbals together, which manifests at Nick forcing his tongue into Gina's mouth, to her clear discomfort.
    • After Gina puts Nick's hand on her boob, Tyler asks Connie a stupid question.
      Tyler: Should he choke her?
      Connie: Not unless he wants to get smacked.
      Tyler: Does he want to get smacked?
      [Connie smacks Tyler with her hair]
  • The Shame Wizard telling Maurice and Connie that he has a vintage Nazi dildo collection? Wrong. Shame Wizard's tone of voice sounding almost proud when he reveals this, along with Connie and Maurice's reactions ("This fucking guy." "Of course he found a way to ruin dildos.")? Pure, twisted laughs.
  • After Nick reveals that he made out with Gina, Jay asks some very unusual questions.
    Jay: I. Want. Details. Ooh! Does she still have all her baby teeth?
    Nick: What? Hu-Why would I know that?
    Jay: Did she let you keep any of her teeth?
    Nick: No!
    Jessi: What the hell is wrong with you, you psycho?
    Jay: How did her teeth taste?
    • It turns out that Jay has a very different idea of what "second base" means.
      Jay: Whoa. She put a finger in your ass?
      Nick: What? No! That's not second base.
      Andrew: What do you think third base is Jay?
      Jay: Dude, you don't want to know.
  • Jay and Andrew's reaction to learning that Nick touched Gina's boob is topped off with a cutaway of Nick climbing Mt. Everest. This same cutaway shows Andrew frozen to death with both of his hands down his pants.
  • While the Shame Wizard's a Knight of Cerebus who takes joy in his job of shaming teenagers for their natural impulses, his scenes aren't entirely without humor. For example, the scene where word begins to spread about Nick feeling up Gina, is contrasted by him first acting like a conductor of an orchestra as all the hurtful texts about Gina begin to spread, then donning a pair of headphones and acting like a DJ at a rave.
  • After Coach Steve reveals that he slept with Jay's mom, Andrew and Jessi's heads explode.
    Andrew: Wait a second. You're mom is the woman Coach Steve lost his virginity to? [head explodes]
    Jessi: It was her warm? [head explodes]
    • Maury and Connie then comment on Coach Steve's probable dick size.
      Maury: I bet that manbaby has a big old horse cock.
      Connie: [while pounding her fist into her palm] The dumb ones pound the hardest.
  • The Shame Wizard's banter with Matthew:
    Shame Wizard: You don't fit in anywhere, do you?
    Matthew: Well, that's fine, I don't wanna fit in!
    Shame Wizard: You know how I can tell when you're lying? You look fat!
    Matthew: Oh, boy, you're good!
  • For some reason, Steve is wearing french bread pizzas as shoes.
  • When trying to break up a fight, Coach Steve accidentally smacks Ms. Benitez with a wiffle ball bat.
    "Oh no! I meant to hit the kids!"
  • Jay has some serious misconceptions on how homosexuality works.
    Jay: (after the Shame Wizard makes him believe that Matthew is coming on to him) Nice try Matthew. But I'm not gonna to let you park your dick inside my dick.
  • After the Shame Wizard's song number, Coach Steve suddenly tells all the students to go back inside as there's no more time for songs.
    Coach Steve: Alright everybody, back inside. No more songs from floating grampas about what's happening.
    Shame Wizard: (while gigantic) I'm not a floating grampa. I'm the Shame Wizard.
    Coach Steve: Oh. Okay.

Smooch or Share

  • The episode begins with the Shame Wizard giving a dramatic monologue. However, when it ends, it's revealed that he's actually talking to Tyler, whom he's preventing from gnawing on his own genitals. When words don't work, he puts a cone on Tyler's head. This just causes Tyler to start humping him.
    Tyler: Oooh. Thank you. You're such a good master. [humps the Shame Wizard]
    Shame Wizard: [whacks Tyler with a newspaper repeatedly] No! Bad! Down boy!
    Tyler: [bends over] What about my tushie?
    Shame Wizard: [continues to whack Tyler] Stop enjoying this!
    Tyler: But I love it! [laughs]
    • Later, when Maury sees Tyler with the cone on his head, even he's exhausted dealing with the young hormone monster.
      Maury: What are you wearing man? You look like a lamp.
      Tyler: It's a special necklace to help me be a good boy.
      [Maury groans]
  • The Shame Wizard in is the middle of tormenting Missy when he's interrupted by Coach Steve.
    Coach Steve: Hey! It's the floating grampa.
    Shame Wizard: For the last time you imbecile, I'm the Shame Wizard.
    • Coach Steve then proceeds to tear out copious amounts of pubic hair before tossing them in the air, as they were apparently pulling his balls to his butt. Then he calls the Shame Wizard his best friend.
  • One of the bits of bathroom graffiti in the bathroom stall where Coach Steve's drawing is says "I miss Vine."
  • The beginning of the end of the Shame Wizard's terror starts when he finds out that Coach Steve is simply too stupid to feel any sort of shame, despite his miserable life or pathetic relationships with the other characters.
  • Tyler thinks the Jansen twins, who are clearly Dutch, are Chinese.
    Maury: You think those girls are Chinese?
    Tyler: Oh God! I'm sorry. Are they Korean?
  • Jay's moment of acting sensitive before he has to kiss Matthew backfires.
    Jay: (about not wanting to seem gay) If I didn't want to kiss you it'd be because you hurt my feelings.
    Matthew: Mmm. That's even gayer.
    Jay: FUCK!
  • After thwarting the Shame Wizard, all the kids have a rave that Crosses the Line Twice in the most hilarious ways possible.
    • Andrew takes a group of kids on a tour around the school showing them all the places where he's ejaculated.
    • Nick rides around on a Segway with his penis hanging out.
    • Missy dry-humps her favourite toy.
    • Caleb spray-paints "gym wall" on the gym wall.
    • One boy takes his pants off, climbs onto a basketball hoop and takes a dump through it. The next morning, the police investigating the aftermath state that said dump ''kept its heat through the night.''

The Department of Puberty

  • Nick's clothes get sucked into the portal when he first gets close to it, leaving him naked.
    Nick: Okay.
  • It takes an hour for Coach Steve to understand that Principal Baron is firing him.
    Coach Steve: Okay. I think I finally understand. Because of what I did, you never want me to come back to this school... of fish. [holds up a plastic bag full of dead fish in a liquid]
    Principal Baron: Close enough! I'll take it.
    Coach Steve: I guess these fish don't like soda. Hohoho! More for me. [proceeds to drink the fish and soda]
  • When Maury catches Andrew hugging the Shame Wizard, he assumes Andrew did it because he was horny.
  • Andrew takes a peek at his files on Maury's computer and is much elated to discover that his projected future job is manager at a bowling alley. Incidentally, Missy's projected career is "ambassador to the Moon", which makes Andrew hope they'll have bowling alleys on the moon.
  • Due to working with the Shame Wizard, Tyler has been demoted to personal assistant for Gavin, a cartoonishly chauvinistic Testosterone Poisoning hormone monster who's so abusive even Nick feels Tyler is getting too harshly punished.
    Tyler: He puts out cigarettes in my butt! He calls it his ass-tray!
  • After Connie manages to save Jessie from the Depression Kitty and pulls her out from the asylum cell.
    Maury: Yes! The men saved her!
    [Connie rolls her eyes]
  • After returning to Nick's room, Andrew finds that he's the only one covered in pubes.
  • Shannon didn't know what scissoring meant and stops Jessi when the latter explains it.
  • The Imagine Spot of the lunar bowling alley...with Nathan Fillion as the janitor.

    Season 3 

Girls Are Angry Too

  • Lola built a doghouse for Andrew in woodshop.
    Lola: Andrew! I made you a doghouse! Get in you bald bitch!
  • The absolute chaos that ensues in shop class after Andrew cuts the tip of his finger by accident.
  • When Andrew learns that Jay's stopped masturbating, he asks if he's really Going Cold Turkey. Jay takes his words literally.
    Jay: Cold turkey? If I was gonna fuck a turkey, I would warm it up, LIKE A GODDAMN GENTLEMAN!
    • He later literally has sex with a turkey. After which it is revealed that Featuring Ludacris made the turkey for a dinner party.
  • Marty's response to Jenna introducing herself as if she were in rehab is a quote from one of Guy's commercials.
    Marty: I'm not paying for this crazy woman's bullshit rehab.
    Guy: Stop quoting my legendary law commercials!
  • Principal Baron is completely out of fucks to give because she's retiring in less than two months.
    • After saying that there will no longer be any uniforms or sexist dress codes, she has this to say:
      "The next student who speaks to me is expelled."
  • Mr. Lizer saying Missy with her overalls could look like a Minion.
  • When Lizer is called out for the lack of dress code for boys, he says that the school will ban wrestling masks and profane T-shirts. Lump Humpman is wearing both.
    Lump: I feel personally targeted.
  • Connie got a tramp stamp for the Slut Walk. Unfortunately, instead of "Slut Walk" it says " I ♥ Tim Allen".
  • Jay is so backed up that seeing the girls in slutty outfits causes him to start humping Nick, who responds by hitting him with a rolled up newspaper.
    Nick: Jesus! Jay, just go jerk off already. [hits Jay with a newspaper]
    [Jay runs away on all fours while making dog noises]
  • The parents have a meeting with Mr. Lizer at the school after the Slut Walk. While the other parents voice their opinions, Jenna reveals that she has a secret daughter.
  • Lola spraining her ankle because of her high-heels.
  • The reveal that Ricky is Mr. Lizer's Hormone Monster.
  • Andrew joins the MGTOW movement, then realises within seconds that not only do they hate women, but also black people and the Jewish.
    • Maurice suggests torching the place Inglorious Basterds style, holding up a film reel and a lighter.
    • The Shame Wizard returns. Andrew wonders if he's back to torment him for hanging around neo-Nazis, which the Shame Wizard meekly says is true. Then one of the MGTOWs mentions the Shame Wizard wanting to buy a Nazi dildo...and that his card has been declined.
  • Andrew meeting Nick by the lockers the day after the meeting.
    Andrew: Hey Nick. How am I? I'm okay. I went to a Nazi meeting.
    Nick: Oh, Andrew...
    Andrew: Oh, no no no. I didn't like it!
    Nick: Well, that's good news...
    [...]
    Andrew: They hated Jews so much!!

Cellsea

  • When Matthew messes up and sends a text he meant to send to Jessi to Aiden, he panics on what to do. Maury's suggestion is kill himself.
    Matthew: You're always pitching that!
  • Lola was on a Judge Judy-esque show, and was found guilty of wearing her mom's nightie and getting hummus on it. In response, she declared that she's been railroaded, tackled the bailiff, and stole his billy club.
    Lola: (wielding the billy club at the bailiff) I will smash your brain into a smoothie and drink your thoughts!
    • It's later revealed that there is video evidence of Lola via a camera in a teddy bear.
      Lola: That teddy bear is a total narc!
  • Coach Steve's latest job: catering, except all the other staff members are raccoons, and it's implied the food he serves is scavenged from dumpsters. And one of the other raccoons outranks him!
  • Nick, Jessi, Jay, Matthew, and Diane all getting antsy over their phones getting notifications during the dinner party, all while Andrew is telling the most boring story ever about the tallest girl he's met.
    • Eventually they attack him and scramble to get their phones back.
    • Andrew tries to get the conversation going again by picking a conversation idea out of a hat, but it turns out to be about aborting developmentally handicapped fetuses and quickly drops the heavy subject matter.
  • Jay isn't scared of seeing the ghosts in Nick's house's attic because there are a lot of ghosts in his own house.
    Jay: My old man says: "Witnesses have a funny way of dying."
    Ghost of Whitney Houston: (singing) Stop quoting your daaaad's law commercials.

Obsessed

  • Diane expresses how she really feels about Nick ignoring her while she's talking about her dying mother.
    Diane: (after Nick exits the car to go to school) Bye Nicky. Have a great day with your phone. So glad I opened to you about my dying mother, you little fuck.
  • Jay's Hypocritical Humor after Missy gets mad at him for grabbing her fanfic notebook.
    Jay: Missy. Calm down. It's just a stupid notebook. STOP OVERREACTING, OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
  • When Jay compliments Missy's fanfiction, Missy asks if he was making fun of her because she was legitimately uncertain if Jay knew how to read.
  • Elliot hugs Nick while covered in lotion. After Nick remarks that Elliot is as slick as a seal, he slips out of Elliot's hands and is bounced and spun on Elliot's nose.
    Elliot: If I'm a seal, then you're my ball. Is this a dream? For me it is.
  • After breaking the lock of the box that Cellsea's in, Judd takes the little bag of Nick's baby teeth that was in there as well.
  • Coach Steve's demonstration video on how to drive, using a pizza in the place of a steering wheel. After spilling hot cheese on his crotch, he plays a tutorial video on how to deal with burning himself while making instructional videos... made by himself.
    Andrew: Okay, this isn't going to help at all, but I gotta watch this. [...] Who do you think these are for?
  • Andrew, Nick, Connie and Maury trying to drive themselves off to Montauk, New York, only to fail and destroy the garage door in the process. Maury panics and snorts a bag of cocaine to avoid arrest.

Florida

  • Marty complaints a lot throughout the episode.
    • Marty complaining during the opening titles and telling it to speed things up.
    • Martin tells the story of Passover and claims the reason the Jews had to wander the desert for 40 years was because they didn't know how to make good travel time.
    • After Nick finds Coach Steve working at a rest stop in North Carolina, Martin yells from the car that they don't have time to do the Running Gag.
  • During a pit stop, Andrew and Nick have to visit the Disgusting Public Toilet, which is not only filthy and in near-ruins, there's blood in there, and signs of someone using the bathroom to change their identity while on the run.
    Andrew: Oh Nick, he turned his back for a second and they got him!
    • When Marty starts to leave him behind, Andrew tries to jump into the car, but ends up jumping face first into the door.
  • The entire Passover story.
    Marty: We were the Pharaoh's slaves, forced to do back-breaking labor. Unlike Andrew, who couldn't handle a Swiffer Wetjet!
    Andrew: (lifting an enormous stone block as a slave) It is not as intuitive as it looks!
    Marty: Then one day, God spoke to Moses as a burning bush...
    Connie: (Pops up wearing a robe and scratching her crotch) Ew, I've had that before.
  • There's a baby playing with two AK-47's in front of the sign welcoming visitors to Florida.
    Maurice: Oooh. Someone is for sure going to die.
  • At the old folks home, an old man in a wheelchair grabs Nick by the arm.
    Old Man: Help me son, I died yesterday!
    • There's a senile old woman standing around outside babbling nonsense, and at one point during the storm, you can see her being eaten by an alligator through a window.
  • Andrew's grandfather makes everyone sleep on the floor. There's a spare bed in his bedroom, but that's where he keeps his collection of old newspapers.
  • Nick is shocked to see that Andrew seems to be enjoying the miserable grind of a vacation.
    Andrew: I like it when things are as bad for you as they are for me.
  • The song number "Anything Goes In Florida".
  • After Andrew decides to make out with his cousin Cherry, Maurice chants "We're gonna cross a line!"

How To Have An Orgasm

  • The way Jessi first learns how to masturbate is through her vagina hosting a game show where the goal is to climax.
  • The school sign asks: Did you do incest?
  • Maury repeatedly referring to Andrew's manhood as a 'chode' despite Andrew's insistence that it isn't that, but then later on throughout the show it becomes something of a Running Gag as other characters such as Vicky and Duke also refer to it as a chode.
  • Maury helps Andrew by taking pictures of his dick so that Andrew can send one to Cherry. The whole thing is treated like a photoshoot.
  • Borders on Cringe Comedy, but there's something embarrassingly hilarious about Andrew's parents finding out that he took some very NSFW photos and sent them to his cousin. But special mention goes to the quick-thinking on Maury's part when he gives him a fake ID.
    Maury: We leave right now, start all over. I've got the passports. Kenneth Proudfrog.
    Andrew: What?
    Maury: [shows him the fake ID with a new appearance and all] You're a Native American pool table salesman.
    Andrew: I can't memorize all these details!
    • Although she doesn't say it directly, the way Barbara describes Andrew's dick is the way to identify a chode.
      "Marty, that's not a hotdog. That's a short, fat, you-know-what on a pair of human testicles."

Duke

  • Duke uses some very strange analogies in his story.
    Duke: My father was as smooth as the transition from slavery to the prison industrial complex.
  • Duke's childhood friends, "Big" Bowser Blakely (who clearly has gigantism), Crumbumb Tootles, and Mondee Tuesdee, who's legs face the wrong way.
    Bowser: Mah bones hurt...
    Tootles: Toot-toot!
    Tuesdee: My bones also hurt!
    • When Nick is taking bets on which of the characters in the story Duke lost his virginity to, Tootles is one of the wild card bets, right after Roosevelt's horse.
  • Duke and his friends used to be visited by former President Theodore Roosevelt while playing baseball, because he was bored with retirement and looking for new hobbies. He looks and acts exactly like Coach Steve, implying Roosevelt is his ancestor.
    Teddy: Did you guys hear that they're gonna put my face on a mountain? So...
  • When Duke's story gets to the part about him in church, Jay interrupts him and asks if he had sex there.
    Jay: Whoa whoa whoa. Did you have sex in church? I came in a bible once, but I think it was okay because I was at a funeral.
  • Duke talks about how his father was a butler for a doctor in 1911. They still had to work out some of the kinks in medical knowledge.
    Doctor: Your bones are haunted. Drink this entire bottle of arsenic and ring me in the morning.
  • Duke and Jay comment on Nick being a "Big dick boi".
  • Duke's mother, who's lack of boundaries put Nick's mom Diane to shame.
  • Duke accuses Andrew of "La La Land-ing" him when he's interrupted.
  • The latter half of Duke's story is interspersed with scenes of sentient penises recreating World War I after Maury's "Arch-Dick Ferdinand" is assassinated, and it's called "World War Cum".
    • And then it's revealed that Duke and Jay can see all of it happening, but Nick and Andrew can't, which makes it confusing for the latter two when Duke alludes to it.
  • When Andrew once again tries to interrupt with a message about the intricacies of societal expectations and racism, Nick points out that Andrew recently went to a Neo-Nazi meeting.
  • When a young Duke goes to the ghost of Harriet Tubman, who lived in his attic back then, she is insulted that he's trying to equate playing at a club to her escaping slavery.
  • When Duke finally has enough of Andrew interrupting him by being a Know-Nothing Know-It-All, he possesses Andrew and makes him punch himself in the chode.

Rankings

  • Throughout the episode, multiple people note that DeVon and Devin are children and are getting married, seemingly for real.
  • The fact that Jay legitimately thought he was hiring a child younger than himself or his classmates as a stripper for DeVon's bachelor party is funny, no matter how messed up it is.
    Jay: I don't get it, she told me she was a dancer- Ooooohhhh, I see what happened.
    Nick: Jesus Jay, she's a child!!
    Jay: Well what do you want, some saggy-ass 20-year old?
  • When the new student, Ali, introduces herself, one of the things she says is that she's pansexual. This gets the entire class' attention, much to Ms. Benitez' discomfort, as she futilely tries to change the subject.
  • After it's revealed that Nick has the Janssen twins as Nr. 2 on his Hottest Girls list, everyone starts acting as if Lotta is the hotter one rather than Mila. Keep in mind, the Janssens are identical twins.
  • At Devin's bachelorette party, Lola tries to start a version of pin the tail on the donkey where they instead try to put a dick on a muscular man.
    Lola: But don't lick it, because it tastes like paper.
  • Jay asks Duke if he should come out as bisexual, and Duke answers that maybe he should keep it to himself like his good friends Marlon Brando and Richard Pryor. He then summons the ghosts of Brando and Pryor... who are in the middle of sixty-nining each other.
  • Ali reveals that her Top 3 list includes Lola of all people, much to Devin's anger that she wasn't even included.
    Devin: What? You're into this mess?
    Ali: I dunno, there's just something about her! She's like a sexy refrigerator and I want to know what's inside!
  • Lola hired an erotic dancer for Devin's bachelorette party. Unfortunately what they got was Coach Steve in a hamster costume, as the agency that sent him told him she wanted an aerobic hamster. Cut to the girls cheering on Coach Steve as he runs in a giant wheel in a giant cage, complete with a water bottle. He gets thrown off by the wheel moving too fast for him, as he doesn't know how to stop it.
    Lola: (after he's thrown off the wheel) Now show us your dick!
  • Andrew's Acquired Situational Narcissism after he's revealed to be Nr. 7 on one list, and his own Lampshade Hanging of it when he mocks Nick right afterwards for not making it onto anyone's list.
    Andrew: Sorry Nick, that 7 went straight to my head.
  • Matthew's news program becoming even more profanity-laced than usual thanks to the talks about sexuality on it, causing Ms. Benitez to observe: "We have got to put a delay on these broadcasts."
  • Nick awkwardly confessing to DeVon that everyone thinks that Devin is a total bitch, and DeVon being more shocked that everybody else knew. Followed by Nick's surprise at that fact that DeVon was aware that she was a bitch too.
  • Lola threatening to kill a raccoon waiter that tried to refuse her another pig-in-a-blanket, and Matthew stating (on-camera) that she's terrifying.

The ASSes

  • The episode starts out with Jay being interrogated by the police. When asked to reenact what happened, Jay pretends to be Elliot and Diane, the former saying he might be gay, and the latter saying she loves Jay like a son and a lover. The cops then stop Jay, as he's terrible at doing their voices.
  • Jay's backpack contains: crumpled pieces of paper, rotten bananas, a stop sign, and a dead squid.
    • After going on Adderall and improving in school, Jay cleans out his old backpack, and one of the items he decides to stop bringing with him is a pile of spaghetti.
      Duke: You don't even have a free period to f**k it anymore!
  • When Shannon tries to encourage Jessi by saying she could be the first female president, Greg is surprised that the U.S never had one before, and thinks he remembers one. Turns out he was thinking of Claire Underwood from House of Cards (US).
  • One kid decides he would rather eat a peanut (which he is allergic to and will kill him) than continue taking the test. Luckily, a teacher stops him before he could do it.
  • Coach Steve calls the ASSes "The teepee snake snakes".
  • After Coach Steve talks to Nick and reveals that he's a lyft driver now, he immediately crashes into a tree.
  • After Nick takes Jay's Adderall, he believes that he can see through peoples' clothing by squinting, causing Andrew, Jessi, and Missy to squirm and cover themselves.
  • Andrew reveals that his uncle Skip got addicted to motion sickness pills and tried to marry his boat.
  • When the police burst in on the test, DeVon puts on make up and a wig, as well as changes his accent, so that he looks like Conan O'Brien. The cops completely buy it.
    • The kids then start confessing to the things they've done, but Lola's is the funniest.
      Lola: I started taking these Ukranian diet pills that makes food look like spiders, but then I got a taste for spiders!!

Disclosure the Movie: The Musical!

  • Mr. Lizer is directing a stage adaptation of the 1994 film Disclosure with the students as actors, wildly inappropriate since the original movie is an erotic thriller, and for some reason, it's been adapted into a musical. This is lampshaded by Caleb when he reads the introduction for the auditions.
  • Lola's confirmation name is revealed to be Ugfuglio.
    Jessi: Um, I'm sorry. Did you say Ugfuglio?
    Lola: He's the patron saint of sausage and peppers!
  • Jay nominates Coach Steve to get made over by The Fab Five. Hilarity Ensues.
    • Antoni is taken away by seagulls and later becomes a feral bird-man, even cawing angrily at other seagulls.
    • After his successful makeover, Steve doesn't recognize himself in the mirror, thinking it's a window with a handsome man on the other side.
  • Principal Baron once again demonstrates how she's tired of everything.
    Principal Baron: (in response to complaints about the musical) I know you kids think you're fighting for something important here. But have you ever stopped to consider... that you're annoying?
    Gina: What?
    Principal Baron: I've eight days left until I retire to Lake Chitaqua. I'm not gonna cancel the play and get a bunch of parents mad at me.
    Jessi: But it makes a mockery of sexual harassment!
    Principal Baron: Jessi, you're a child. You don't understand how good it feels to be drunk in a lake.
  • Even though he just saw her give Mr. Lizer a foot rub, Andrew finds the fact that Lola calls Mr. Lizer by his first name even more disgusting.
    “Ew, you call him Terry?! That sucks!
  • The unambiguously disgusting scene of Mr. Lizer tricking Lola into giving him a foot rub (and later a back rub), then gaslighting her about it is momentarily relieved by Mr. Lizer Waxing Lyrical.
    "My dogs were barking, Lola! But who let them out? Who? Who? Who??"
  • Jessi tries to explain what happened with Mr. Lizer to Lola... but can only get it through to her by comparing it to Pretty Little Liars.
    • When Lola gets it, she gives a Big "WHAT?!" and smashes the lunch table.
  • The play is cancelled the night of the premiere because of Mr. Lizer's misconduct, so we never get to see it, but from the rehearsal shots, it apparently includes a massive animatronic of Nick's character Tom Sanders.
    • The song rehearsals and casting list also gives some hints to exactly what the play was about, and it's hilarious in a very Crosses the Line Twice way, such as a song about how empowering it is to portray women as sexual predators. Missy's role is the only female character who even gets a name, Susan Sanders is just referred to as "Dutiful Wife", Gina is cast as "Senorita Cleaning Lady", and Ali is cast as "Hot Asian with Asian Boobs".

Super Mouth

  • Andrew's invisibility powers only works when he farts. One of his farts is so potent, it causes Maurice to have to lie down.
  • It's a small moment, but Marty once again makes a decision for his son.
    "Andrew, wake up! I put garlic powder in your oatmeal, like I decided you like!"
  • When Marty and Barbara think Andrew already left for school, they decide to have sex in their son's bedroom. What they don't know is that Andrew is still there, just invisible, and really doesn't want to watch what they're doing.
    Maury: (to Andrew) Eughhh. Your poor bed is being suffocated by those huge balls.
  • Caleb names and draws costume designs for everyone (hinting at The Reveal at the end that the episode was Caleb dramatizing the relationship breakdown between everyone in his imagination), and some of the names he picks are pretty funny.
    • Jay becomes "The Cumbender", who can control his own cum like an elemental bender from Avatar: The Last Airbender.
    • After Jessi discovers that her power is making people tell the truth by touching them, he dubs her "The Scarlet Truther".
      Jessi: I don't like that name, Caleb.
  • Principal Baron putting a stop to the super-battle in the cafeteria because she now has only two days left until retirement.
    Principal Baron: You can kill each other when I'm on a pontoon boat drinking my grandchildrens' names out of my mind.
  • After Jessi discovers that she can make people tell the truth by touching them, some of the things that are revealed are pretty unexpected.
    • Her dad reveals that he doesn't know when her birthday is.
    • Her mom reveals that she's experimenting with BDSM.
  • After Andrew uses his powers to win the dodgeball game, Caleb points out that Andrew's penis is bigger than Nick's and reveals that he keeps track of all the penises he sees.
  • When Andrew is thrown into the flagpole and lands groin first, Maury asks if his chode is okay.
    Andrew: (weakly) It's not a chode.
  • During the big fight, Ali insults Devin, saying she's a "basic ass bitch". Devin refutes this, saying that she isn't basic because her husband is black. DeVon doesn't exactly agree with this sentiment.
  • When Elliot advises Nick to look at Andrew's point of view the way he does when he quarrels with Diane, Diane reveals that Elliot does this by wearing Diane's nightgown.
    • When Nick uses the normal analogy of putting on Andrew's shoes, Elliot, uncharacteristically angry, says it has to be a nightgown.
  • After Jay reveals that he stole some of the Birch's plates and made a turkey, he has to specify to Kurt that it's for eating, not fucking.
    Kurt: [zips up his pants] I know. Duh.
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    Season 4 

The New Me

  • Season 4 opens up with a recap of season 3, done as a musical number, covering all the plot points the viewers might have forgotten.
  • At camp, Nicky is reunited with Seth Goldberg, his camp best friend, who turns out to be almost exactly like Andrew.
  • Milk, a nerdy kid with an Ambiguous Disorder, constantly blathers on about barely relevant nonsense to whatever is going on, to the point that he's a Phrase Catcher for "Shut the fuck up, Milk!" At one point, one of the counselors says it!
    • After Milk says Bob Reedy one too many times, all of the guys start whaling on him.
  • A former camp attendee named Gabe returns, having begun taking hormone blockers and transitioned to living as female, and is now Natalie. The boys are exactly as open-minded as you'd expect from a group of teenagers.
    Seth: Okay. You know what? Everyone, I'm just gonna ask the thing that we're all thinking, but not asking. What does your crotch look like?
    Other Kid: That was my question.
    Another Kid: Thank youuuu.
    Seth: I know. Someone had to.
    • When Natalie is introduced, the counselor tries to be supportive.
      Counselor: You see kids, gender is like pasta...
      Natalie: No, it's not.
      Counselor: It comes in many different shapes and sizes!
      Natalie: Making it worse!
  • Matt's boyfriend Aiden meets Jay for the first time when they go to the public pool.
    Aidan: Matthew said you kissed him like you were trying to push his tongue out a window.
  • Part of the reason Marty is making Andrew go to camp is because he doesn't to give in to his enemy: i.e. his own son.
    Andrew: Wait. I'm your enemy? I thought your enemy was City Bike?
    Marty: No! It's you!
  • Maury is furious to discover that Rick, Nicky's old, incompetent hormone monster, managed to land an advertisment deal with Monster Energy Drink, a Call-Back to season 1.
  • Lola teaches Jay a trick involving Monster Energy and Ukrainian diet pills. She drops a pill into the can and shakes it, making it shoot off like a rocket into a Walgreens...and right into an employee's ass.
    Walgreens Girl: My proctologist will never believe I didn't do this to myself!
  • Connie spends most of the episode stumbling around in a pair of water skis because they got wedged on her hooves and she can't get them off. She is finally able to do so by kicking them into Maury's buttcrack.
  • Natalie's former hormone monster turns out to have been Gavin of all monsters, making her already difficult experience with puberty a thousand times worse. When she realizes she's trans and starts taking hormone blockers, Gavin nearly has a nervous breakdown over being foiled.
    Gavin: Now you'll never write for Bill Maher!
    • Not only that, but the hormone blockers put up a literal force field around Gavin!

The Hugest Period Ever

  • Natalie's immediate reaction to seeing the results Jessi's particularly heavy period: "Holy shit, did you kill someone?"
  • Unlike Jessi, who's questioning if the amount of period blood is normal, Jessi's vagina assures her it's normal and that it's also her favorite time of the month.
  • The email Natalie's mom sent explaining that her daughter doesn't have to go swimming literally starts saying "Dear Bald Fuck."
    Natalie: I don't have to do swimming. Didn't you read the detailed email from my mom, you bald fuck!?
    Bald Counselor: The one that started "Dear Bald Fuck"? Yes, I did. You and your mom are both very mean.
  • Connie referring to the dolphoodle as a "sexy freak of nature".
  • Jessi's menstrual pads being so absorbent that they drain the entire lake and suck in anyone or anything that goes near them, including passing planes.
  • Missy, who is still being voiced by Jenny Slate at this point, looking at the viewer when saying why she can’t say the N word.
  • Natalie finds a box of "slender" tampons to help Jessi with her large period. Three of the tampons pop up, trembling and pleading in soft, delicate, pixie-like voices:
    Tampon 1: We're dainty!
    Tampon 2: Your massive flow will surely drown us!
    Tampon 3: I don't want to die!

Poop Madness

  • Seth attempts to impress Natalie by doing a pull up on a branch. He just ends up breaking the branch and landing on his ass.
  • Nick's dreadful singing in his stand up routine.
    • Before that, he ends up offending everyone with his horribly awkward jokes.
  • Seth reveals that he's a good kisser because he practices with the meat his butcher father cuts up.
  • Andrew’s shit being framed like a birth sequence (after almost a month of not defecating due to stress-induced constipation), with Nick being his supportive partner.
  • The Reveal that Milk is the biggest troll in the entire series:
    Milk: My dad's friend Bob Reedy says he calls his testicles his "juevas."
    Nick: (visibly concerned) Hey Milk? You be careful around Bob Reedy.
    Milk: Nick? Can I tell you something? [whispers in his ear] There is no Bob Reedy. [Runs off, Naruto-style]

Cafeteria Girls

  • When Connie says that she loves how seventh grade girls will always be 12-years-old, Nick notes how wrong that sounds. Her attempts to make it sound different do not help.
  • Nick notices how creepy it sounds when Andrew says the two of them are now on the prowl for seventh grade girls, making them come across as sexual predators.
  • Andrew's attempt to look cool in front of Izzy by opening her locker with his elbow falls flat when he ends up hurting himself.
  • Nick and Andrew realizing they're in two different shows at once.
  • The Fuck Goblin. A monster that somehow manages to make the Hormone Monsters look prudish!

A Very Special 9/11 Episode

  • Lola crying because she has a personal connection to the tragedy: one of her mom's ex-boyfriends was on one of the planes. As in, he was flying it.
    Jay: Soooo, he was a... pilot?
    Lola: Kind of. Like, towards the end he was.
    Jay: Oh-. Wait a minute...
  • Coach Steve is happy about the field trip to the 9/11 Museum because it's on his birthday. He also thinks that the museum was made to celebrate it.
    • Adding to this is the fact that Coach Steve has apparently lived in NYC his entire life and has, up until that day, had no idea what 9/11 actually was or that it even happened.
  • When he sneaks off to the party with Missy, DeVon leaves a cardboard cutout of himself with Devin. The cutout does nothing except stand there and spout generic phrases about how pretty she is, and Devin still never notices. When the real DeVon comes back several hours later, she's still busy taking selfies.
  • A Freeze-Frame Bonus shows that DeVon has code settings for "Black", "Liberal White", "Devin", "SUPA DUPA BLACK", "Pretzels", and "White".
    • Missy asks about the pretzel setting, which DeVon demonstrates for her. Turns out pretzels are raging metalheads, which is why her cousin Lena kept that setting on her code switching dial.
  • Michael Angelo makes a spray painting of Andrew, which excites the latter. When it's done, we see that it's he painted a sheep with Andrew's face that's eating poop that comes out of a phone.
    • Andrew himself doesn't have a problem with this as he's just happy that Michael Angelo used him in the painting in the first place.
  • And to cap off the episode with one last bit of Black Comedy, Lola making an argument that considering America's reaction and subsequent geopolitical policy for decades afterwards, the terrorists DID win!

Nick Starr

  • The Crapsack World Bad Future Nick dreams up is this, in a very dark Crosses the Line Twice kind of way.
    • The poor are now forced to compete on humiliating and dangerous game shows just for basic necessities and healthcare, and there's a good chance they'll be killed anyway even if they win just because the audience wants it. The show Nick hosts in this episode is called "Brother Fucking", and revolves around making two siblings have sex.
    • Oh Yeah!, which Nick is addicted to, is an inhalant that simulates an orgasm without the pesky need for physical intimacy, even with yourself. We later find out that Andrew works for them, and it's actually just semen.
    • The crazy guy Nick runs into on the surface who's screaming about global warming being fake even though he's literally on fire.
  • Jay and Lola founded a sex tribe in the Bad Future. Because of course they would.
  • Lola says she was able to narrow down who her father was to four men.
  • Judd founded a cult with his raccoons.
  • Maury is Andrew and Gina's son's Hormone Monster.
  • The world is coming to an end. Everyone decides to spend their last moments alive either having sex or getting one last wank in. The crowner on top is Andrew and Gina's son going up to his room with Maury (who suggested doing this to him), with the door locked.

Four Stories About Hand Stuff

  • DeVon finally "divorces" Devin because she wouldn't give him a handjob (actually because she's mean and borderline abusive, as revealed later in the episode), and makes Caleb serve her the papers.
    DeVon: How'd she take it?
    Caleb: With her right hand!
  • Jay is so scared of getting his nails clipped that he needs to ask help from Nick and Andrew; one to hold him down, while the other does the actual clipping.
  • Jay goes to his brothers for advice about doing "hand stuff" with Lola, which goes about as well as you'd think. One of their claims is that they've collectively fingerblasted 3000 women, and that Jay should make sure to jam all his fingers in at the same time.
  • Kimberly cares more about the fact that a married couple had a divorce than the fact that the married couple in question are kids. Matthew lampshades how absurd that is.
  • Maury films his own web series called Spunk History, a parody of Drunk History except he drinks cum.
    • He also has it filmed in Andrew's bedroom while he's sleeping.
  • Nick talks to Andrew about masturbation, and finds out about his incredibly elaborate ritual which he does every single time before masturbating; framed as a jazz number, because he's worried something bad will happen if he ever deviates from it.
    Nick: Wait, if I hadn't interrupted you, were you going to outright ejaculate in front of me?
    Andrew: Yes.
    • And of course, the one time Maury manages to convince Andrew that not doing the ritual every time will free up so much time, and let them get to the point faster, Andrew does... and literally the second afterwards, they overhear Andrew's dad on the phone, finding out Andrew's grandfather died.
    • Even funnier, right afterwards, Maury denies ever encouraging Andrew to stop using the ritual.
  • Devin goes on a talk show to talk about her divorce and her subsequent attempt to get girls to refuse to do sexual acts with men. The talk show host has a question right before they get into things.
    "I have to ask. Is your husband also a child? I think I hope the answer is yes."

The Funeral

  • When Connie tries to help Jessi by finding her a seat on the train to Bridgeton that isn't with the Depression Kitty and Tito, they find that the only open seat is next to a man who's masturbating while using his tablet.
  • Lola and Jay show up for the funeral because the former is Marty's rock. Andrew finds this very weird.
    • Marty is touched that Lola is there to support him, while at the same time telling her that losing her was the biggest mistake his son ever made.
  • Andrew hits a new low, as he's caught masturbating at his grandfather's funeral. In the same room as his open casket!
    • Even worse, the ghost of Andrew's grandfather set him up to do this just to embarrass him!
    • After the funeral, his parents have a serious talk with him.
      Barbara: What are we supposed to do with you?
      Marty: Military school? Chemical castration?
  • The Shame Wizard shows up at the funeral, and tells Andrew he feels proud of him because Andrew is now literally the most shameful person he's ever met.
  • Just as the Glasers (and Connie) have a group hug, Rick shows up wanting to join in.
    Connie: Rick, sit down and shut the fuck up!

Horrority House

  • Rick tells Duke that he needs to go to the bathroom, but can't get his hotdog costume off.
  • While stuck in a series of nightmares, Andrew wakes up, only to discover himself on a plane. He's relieved that it was just a dream, only for the intercom to turn on and we find out who the pilot is.
    Steve: Hey everybody. This is Coach Pilot Coach Steve.
    Andrew: Oh no...
  • The many ways in which Andrew dreams himself dying: getting trapped under burning rubble, getting stung by a bee, driving a segway off a cliff, shitting himself inside-out, hitting a car while escaping the Yakuza, getting crushed by a boulder Wile E Coyote-style, getting shot after birthing a horse and then dying in an elevator.
  • Andrew accepts death as inevitable when he finds himself Buried Alive. He also take the time to "yoidle my doidle".

What Are You Gonna Do?

  • Nick Starr possessing the real Nick's body, and acting like a smarmy douchebag.
    Elliot: How about a breakfast hug?
    Starr: Hard pass. How about a nice fist bump instead?
  • When Nick tells Rick that he doesn't have time for the latter because he's "a fucking ghost", Rick thinks Nick wants to fuck a ghost and suggests Casper.
  • Duke teaches Nick how to possess people: by going up their butts.
  • Nick comments that he feels wobbly when possessing Marty, and says it might be because of Marty's huge balls.
    Nick: It feels like I have two paint cans hanging from my taint.
  • Andrew asks Nick, who's currently possessing Marty, to tell Andrew that he's proud of him. Nick find this sad but does it, though Andrew insists that he do it the way Marty would.
    Nick: (trying to imitate Marty's voice) Andrew, you useless sack of nothing! I'm proud of you!
    Andrew: Oh. Thanks dad.
  • Nick Starr pays Coach Steve $2 to eat his own underwear. Coach Steve does it because he's hungry.
  • In order to help Nick, Andrew and Missy knock out Nick Starr and tie him up in a position that has his butt sticking out, giving Nick easy access to his body.
    • Both Duke and Connie initially think it's a buttfuck party when they see it.
  • After Jay and Lola break up, Featuring Ludacris says he's going to miss eating their cum.

    Other 

My Furry Valentine

  • Nick has tender nipples throughout the special, which he first realizes when he puts on a shirt and notes how painful it is.
    • Connie is seriously unsure if it's natural for boys to have tender nipples.
  • When Nick asks Connie if he's the first boy to ever have a Hormone Monstress, she replies in the negative... before revealing the he's the first boy she's ever worked with.
    Nick: What? I'm the first boy you've ever had?
    Connie: They like me with girls mostly.
    Nick: I don't think I'm a girl, am I?
    Connie: [points at Nick's crotch] No, you definitely got a penis.
    Nick: Right. I'm a boy.
    Connie: Or a girl, with a penis. [points at Nick's crotch again]
    Nick: You know what? I really just got to go.
    Connie: Alright. You run along baby. I'll be here farting up in your bed. [proceeds to fart, which sounds like jazz music]
    • Connie's mortified realization about her fart.
      Connie: That came from the front.
  • Jessi is uncomfortable while listening to her mom and Cantor Dina enjoy themselves.
    Connie: Your dad did not understand.
  • The hormone monsters repeatedly referring to anal sex as "bussy" ("butt-pussy"). So disgusting... but so funny!
  • Judd insult doesn't faze Elliot, and in fact just results in Leah being disgusted by her father's response.
    Judd: Dad, your breath smells like pussy.
    Elliot: It always does.
    Leah: Ewww. Gross.
  • Part of the reason Lola is throwing a Valentine's Day party is because she asks her schoolmates to bring food. She needs it as she spent all her grocery money on perfume, which she's been living off of since buying.
  • Andrew trying to draw Missy's attention by jumping up to touch a door jam fails and results in him hurting himself.
  • Nick tries to prove that he was faking it to Connie when he masturbated by pretending to ejaculate in front of her. However, he does this in the cafeteria, so everyone looks at him for doing this.
  • When Nick and Connie fight, the latter keeps saying Nick wants to fuck his mom.
  • After Andrew makes Missy cry and run away, Lars and Caleb give their commentary.
    Lars: Whoa. What happened there, cowboy?
    Caleb: He offered her money and love isn't supposed to be transactional.
    Andrew: SHUT THE FUCK UP, CALEB!
    Caleb: Okay.
  • The Michael Shannon Valentine's Day card. That is all.
    Card: I love you with all the veins in my head. (creepy breathing)
  • Maury using a literal gaydar after Matthew meets Aiden to see if the two are compatible.
  • After seeing how Marty did the exact thing to Barbara what Andrew did to Missy, Andrew asks Maury if he's becoming his father. Maury's answer: "Check your balls. Are they gigantic like his?" It's also implied that Maury was traumatized by the size of Marty's testicles.
    Maury: (Frowning) I still see them every time I close my eyes...
  • After Nick says he hates Valentine's Day, everyone else in the restaurant starts airing out their various grievances. Including the incestuous conjoined twins.
    Twin 1: I'm tired of you jacking me off!
  • After Leah gives him the same advice Connie did, Nick says he has to go find Connie. When Leah asks who that is, he replies: "She helped me cum!"
    • It's clear from how she responds that Leah doesn't know what to think about that statement.
  • When Nick tells Gina he has to see a monster, she assumes he means Lola and says she's in the kitchen.
  • Andrew getting his hair ripped out and subsequently humiliating himself after being thrown out by Lola is both hilarious and cathartic.
    • Andrew takes his anger out on a trash can and has it spill all over him. Then, he tries to attack the mailbox in a fit of impotent rage and somehow loses. Then he farts, to Maury's disgust. While everyone else watches from the window.
      Nick: Why did he go for the mailbox?

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