In the next cubicle there's two pairs of feet
And I hope this is water covering the floor
And I'm whistling cause there's no lock on the door!"
When Potty Emergency strikes, one is forced to find a place to go, fast. Looking around, you notice a public toilet. You sigh with relief, until you open the door...
This place is littered with Bathroom Stall Graffiti, spare bits of toilet paper and paper towels, liquids and solids of undetermined origin (or rather, origins you don't want to think about), and a toilet bowl that was possibly installed discoloured, clogged and smelling. It's full of used syringes, sleeping hobos, dead hobos. The handles on the faucets and bowls may be missing. In this case, it is probably better to just go in the woods behind it.
Part of the reason this trope exists is a form of the GIFT. While clearly not on the internet; the idea that anonymity and lack of consequences/responsibility leads to complete asshattery is still demonstrated. People naturally expect privacy in the restroom, and public toilets are not cleaned by them, so they feel less guilty for trashing them, scrawling insults on the wall, or insulting their peers. And the less said about "glory holes" cut in the partition walls, the better. It is fading, but there's no better way to ensure the janitor will hate you than ruining the bathroom — see The Dreaded Toilet Duty for those unfortunate souls who have to clean these things.
This trope of course comes from Real Life, as anyone who's ever had to go at a rest stop, a park bathroom etc. can attest. Even an ill-maintained flush toilet is extremely disgusting, but pretty much any toilet without flush technologies is going to be worse (even Porta-Potties tend to be a borderline case). Outhouses and latrines were once a familiar and disgusting part of everyone's life, and while they are now rare in the industrialized world, they're still necessary in situations like wilderness camping or a Third World village; therefore, the outhouse isn't something that will ever become so obsolete that people entirely forget such a nauseating (but necessary!) phenomenon. Can be played for laughs, horror, or just plain Nausea Fuel. Contrast with Wondrous Ladies Room.
A variation is the Disgusting Public Shower — some multi-user showers such as beach, gym, and recreational/work area showers can easily rival their toilet counterparts. For the opposite end of the bathroom niceness scale see Fancy Toilet Awe.
- There's this commercial where a drag queen has to make a stop at a truck stop toilet, which is naturally horrible - then she brings out the product advertised and turns it all sparkling.
"How was the restroom?"
"Fit for a queen."
- There's a Lysol ad that starts out with a woman taking her young daughter into such a restroom, making the point that your own toilet might be just as full of germs. Mocked on one of Current TV's "Target Women" segments:
Sarah Haskins: Why are you taking your kid to the bathroom in Grand Central Station in 1972?!?
- Polnareff of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders keeps running into these. The first one he went to had a pig sticking its head out of the toilet because it dumped directly into a pig sty, though the toilet itself seemed pretty clean. Joseph, on the other hand... found a disgusting one in the middle of desert where there's absolutely no water and then he's supposed to clean it with sand. This prompts him to hold off taking his shit until he gets to a hotel.
- In an early issue of Excalibur, Kitty Pryde needs to answer a call of nature while being carried by Meggan across the Atlantic. They spot a freighter and land on it so she can go to the restroom, but the place is disgustingly filthy.
- Hellblazer: A writer trying to track down John Constantine for an article ends up beaten and face down in a disgusting pub bathroom. And it's implied it wasn't even John's fault; that much bad luck just descends on everyone around him.
- In Like a Velvet Glove Cast in Iron there is one of these located in a porno theatre. Inside a special cubicle is a Hindu wise-man who starts the main character on his quest to find his wife. Uh... and some other stuff.
- In the The Lord of the Rings Fan Fic Don't Panic, the Prancing Pony restroom is one of these. Obligatory comparison to the bathroom from Trainspotting ensues.
- There is a crossover fanfic in assembly at Fanfiction Dot Net, where the slightly maladjusted Doctor Sheldon Cooper and friends from The Big Bang Theory are inevitably going to end up in the city of Ankh-Morpork on the Discworld. Lavatory technology on the Discworld lags some 200 years behind modern California. A hole in the ground and a septic tank are considered posh. And Sheldon Cooper is... Sheldon Cooper.
- At the start of Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson's night of drinking in If They Haven't Learned Your Name, Steve keeps having to use the bar's restroom every few minutes because his serum-ized super metabolism keeps processing the alcohol too fast. Every time he comes back out, he describes a new and horrifying piece of graffiti he's noticed next to the urinals. Eventually, Sam is so disgusted by Steve's descriptions of the graffiti alone that he refuses to use the restroom, stating that he'll piss in the street if he has to.
- The Bolt Chronicles: In "The Insomniac," Mittens is unsure what, if any, afterlife exists. She jokingly expresses hope it's not like a gas station bathroom in the Bronx.
Mittens: I mean, if the afterlife is like a gas station bathroom in the Bronx, it ain’t exactly gonna be a joy — but at least I’ll have a little warning and maybe start poppin’ vitamins and hittin’ the treadmill to put it off as long as possible.
- In a Tiny Toon Adventures Direct to Video movie How I Spent My Summer Vacation, we don't see a bathroom, but we do see Hampton's family suit up in hazmat type suits so they can clean the public bathrooms before using it.
- The Teacher's Pet movie has Leonard's mom don a Hazmat Suit as she prepares to clean a gas station bathroom before using it.
- In Accepted, the team visits a former mental institution for the first time in an attempt to clean it up. But upon seeing the bathroom, everyone gags and closes the door as soon as they opened it. Furthermore, the school is then opened to all sorts of people, but only the protagonist is concerned that his parents will see the filthy mess.
- The toilets on Cabrini Green in Candyman are terrifying. Not just for how disgusting they are (complete with excrement graffiti), but for the horrific attacks that happen there.
- In Desperado, the entrance to the secret room is concealed within a truly disgusting bathroom stall, to discourage casual visitors.
- The bathroom of the Narrator used in Fight Club, complete with a revolting bathtub and water faucets that spew out brown water.
- Glorious: Most of the movie is spent inside a disgusting public restroom. An Eldritch Abomination has somehow materialized inside one of the stalls and only talks through a gloryhole. Guess what he wants...
- 'The worst toilet in Scotland' was also referenced in Gorsky And Butch: In a pastiche of The Matrix, the whole team escaped through the pipe, with Morphinius staying behind to flush them. It resulted in The Can Kicked Him when agent Butch caught up with him.
- The public bathroom in Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later is a good example of this trope. It's dark and grimy, the faucets are leaky, the floor is covered in litter and there is no toilet paper in the stalls. One wonders why the mother didn't just tell her daughter to pee in the bushes. At least then, it would be much more hygienic!
- Kate. The title character drags her hostage Ani into one so she can bandage her own injuries before confronting the Yakuza (Kate is already dying, so it's not like infection is an issue). Ani is grossed out, and even more so when Kate leaves her Bound and Gagged and tied to a faucet, with an Out of Order sign on the toilet door.
- There's a particularly revolting one at a gas station in The Layover. It gets even worse when Kate's attempt to climb out of the window goes awry.
- The toilet on board the train from The Mummy Returns is revolting, the moreso as whomever used it before Alex hadn't bothered to flush.
- And when you do flush it, it just dumps out onto the train tracks. Eewww!!note
- The Port Authority bus terminal bathroom is like this in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.
- There's one in No Holds Barred in the Bad-Guy Bar that Mr. Brell visits.
- Rovdyr: The women's restroom at the gas station is disgusting, and includes a male vagrant sleeping off a bender in one of the cubicles, who scratches Camilla when she startles him awake and then passes out again.
- Saw: The setting for most of the first movie is a dilapidated industrial bathroom, though it appears to be cleaner than most other examples of the trope. In Saw II, it's shown that the bathroom is part of an abandoned house, and it makes further appearances in Saw III and Saw 3D.
- "The Worst Toilet in Scotland" in Trainspottingnote . Including cringeworthy scene where the hero dives into the toilet bowl.
- In The Tripper, Frank Baker hides from the killer in an out of order portaloo. The bowl is completely backed up with excrement. To escape the killer, Baker climbs into the toilet and completely submerges himself in the septic tank.
- Subverted in The Warriors. The bathroom in which the Warriors face the Punks is a bit grungy, but it's nowhere near as bad as one would expect from a public mens' room in a New York City subway station.
- The title character in Who Framed Roger Rabbit gets flushed down one of these while trying to sneak into the Acme factory. After accidentally falling through a jammed window Roger tumbles headfirst into the toilet below splashing water everywhere. The toilet flushes swirling him round and round in circles before finally sucking him down as he stretches his neck trying to avoid the nasty water.
- This scene is also an example of the Rule of Funny and Nausea Fuel. Because being flushed down a toilet would be the funniest way for Roger to sneak into the factory he was forced by the Rule of Funny to do just that. Unfortunately for Roger gags like this usually happen on cartoon sets with clean prop toilets, and since Cartoon Physics apply to toons where ever they are Roger had no choice but to endure the Nausea Fuel of being soaked, flushed, and sucked down a real Disgusting Public Toilet instead of a prop.
- Adrian Mole: In "The Wilderness Years", Adrian describes a filthy lavatory on a Russian train, with various comparisons, including a couple of healthy young skunks.
The lavatory on the train defies description. However, I'll try. After all, I am a novelist.
- Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony includes a scene where Mulch tracks Doodah Day to a secret shellfish restaurant popular with pixies (who love lobster even though it's illegal in the Lower Elements.) He has to get through a filthy toilet stall in a dive bar to find the secret establishment within.
Pixie Hostess: Do you have a reservation?
Mulch: More than one. For starters, do you think it's a good idea to put the secret entrance to an illegal restaurant in the bathroom? It didn't fool me, and I think I've lost my appetite.
- Dave Barry described places like this as either "not having been cleaned since Rome fell" or "containing the skeletons of Health Inspectors who died trying to examine it". A column about summer camp referred to it having the sort of latrine where you wonder how it could get so disgusting when nobody ever has the courage to use it.
- Diary of a Wimpy Kid:
- The Long Haul has Greg go into a gas station bathroom only to find out that it's full of graffiti, toilet paper sprawled on the floor, and the mirror is partly broken. He decides to go in there anyway.
- In Old School, Greg's father reveals that when he went to Hardscrabble Farms, the only available toilet was a gross outhouse.
- Discworld: Since Borogravia has not encountered the invention of Sir Charles Lavatory, the men's privy at the inn where Polly enlists in Monstrous Regiment is pretty gross, to the point where behind a tree is a better option, even if it's snowing and you can hear wolves. The one at the Duchess isn't much better; Polly sloshes two buckets of water in every day while trying not to breathe, but that doesn't stop weird moss from growing on the floor.
- Fighting Fantasy gamebook The Crown of Kings has one in the guard barracks, complete with illustration. You can search it if you want. There's nothing useful or interesting at all there, and you risk catching a disease by searching it.
- Referenced in the first Harry Potter - apparently, mountain trolls smell like a cross between old socks and "the kind of public toilet no-one seems to clean."
- The Someday Birds: The toilet in the camper is so foul-smelling that Charlie refuses to use it. When the travelers arrive at a convenience store, he rushes to the bathroom, only to find a concrete cinder block with no toilet paper and an empty soap dispenser. Charlie is so desperate that he goes anyway, but he can feel his hands crawling with germs, and insists on going to another public restroom ten miles away so he can wash his hands.
- The Big Bang Theory: In "The Fetal Kick Catalyst", Sheldon mentions preparing to go into a Halloween haunted house by going into a bus station bathroom. When Amy points out that he never went into the haunted house, Sheldon explains that "you never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station."
- Birds of a Feather: In "Sunday", the girls are locked in a car park, with the only route being through a gent's bathroom. Said bathroom is apparently so bad that the girls decide to wait a week to be let out instead.
- CSI: "Disarmed & Dangerous" opens with a fastidious FBI agent entering the men's room at a filling station. The inside is pretty gross, with an unidentified liquid leaking on to the floor from a broken urinal. The agent then becomes the Victim of the Week and dies in the disgusting bathroom.
- CSI: NY: "Tri-Borough" finds Detective Flack and CSI Burn with a victim who was subjected to Overturned Outhouse in a Porta-Potty before dying at a construction site. Flack makes her examine it since there might be evidence. She opens the door and is completely grossed out.
Aiden: Ewww, what do you guys *do* in here?!Don: I don't go in public.
- Mike Rowe in Dirty Jobs has seen some of these. The bathroom in New Orleans shown after Hurricane Katrina deserves special recognition.
- Hank Zipzer: While attending the rock festival in "Hank Rocks Out!", Stan encounters a portable toilet so disgusting he decides to hold it in for the entire weekend.
- The MTV show Homewrecker, which modified the bedrooms of pranksters into unlivable disaster rooms (think Trading Spaces or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition turned on their heads), turned one room into one of these.
- The Singaporean talkshow It's A Small World is about foreign talents working in Singapore discussing cultural differences - one episode, on the subject of travel, leads up to the subject of toilets all over the world, naturally leading to this trope. Of special note, one 'toilet' in China is basically out in the open, with little ditches with some running water acting as the 'receptacles', and the running water isn't very strong so some stuff will be left around...
- On The John Larroquette Show, the bus station has one of these as a Running Gag.
John: People did that? Bears, I could imagine. But people?
- Subverted in Monk. Monk expects the men's room at the theater to be like this, but instead it's incredibly clean and even has an attendant offering a variety of scented soaps.
- Played straight though in the first episode of Monk, in which Monk runs into a toilet and it's overflowing with waste and toilet paper.
- During a segment of Not Necessarily the News, Danny Breen is asked to check out a men's bathroom in a New York City subway, something he is disgusted by - it's not helped by the gunk on the doorknob. However, when he enters, he's greeted by a men's room attendant dressed as The Jeeves, with a palatial bathroom.
- In one episode of The Office Jim and Michael go out on a sales call. When the camera catches Micheal coming out of a gas station's Women's Room, he explains that the Men's was too disgusting to use.
- The Bodega Bathroom sketch on Saturday Night Live mashes this trope with songs from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.
- Wynonna Earp: At the beginning of "Purgatory", Wynonna describes the toilet on the coach as a 'crime against humanity'.
- "Gas Station Washroom" by The Frantics is about one of these.
- "No Lock on the Door" by The Lancashire Hotpots is about one of these at the singer's local pub; the eponymous complaint is just one of very, very many.
- Shown on the cover of post-1986 issues of Beggars Banquet by The Rolling Stones.
- "Weird Al" Yankovic's song "One More Minute" details all of the disgusting, painful, and generally unpleasant things the protagonist Would Rather Suffer than spend one more minute with the girl who has just dumped him. One of these things is cleaning all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with his tongue.
- Ricky Gervais in Fame finds that even the most refined places - where there's classical music playing and people discussing Kierkegaard - will have the most revolting toilets.
- Urinetown has Public Amenity #9, where the poor have to pay to pee. Many of them would rather do it anywhere else, especially given that the line in front of the decrepit toilet runs to the hundreds, but for the Dystopian Edict against it.
- Flush Force uses gross and slimy toilets as the transport from the sewers into the above ground. This ties into the motif used for the toy packaging, which are slimy water-activated toilets that break to reveal the Flushies.
- In Bad Mojo, The first-floor restroom in the bar you explore plays with this. Eddie went to the trouble of painting the walls, but the rest of it still looks grimy. Oh, and because you play as a cockroach, you get to explore it disgustingly up close.
- Subverted in BioShock Infinite. One of the toilets in the Salty Oyster restaurant has flies all around it and two brown lumps in it, setting up this trope... but the lumps turn out to be potatoes. Which you can eat.
- The dook huts (Porta-Potties which double as loot chests) in Borderlands 2 are purest distilled Nausea Fuel. When you open one, you're greeted with a revolting squish noise and a geyser of sewage. Have fun rooting through that!
- One of the chore minigames in Cook, Serve, Delicious! involves this at first, but this can be subverted when the player upgrades it.
- The restrooms in the adventure game Dark Fall: The Journal are fairly gross, and they've gotten much, much worse in Dark Fall: Lost Souls. The girls' and staff bathrooms in Dark Fall: Ghost Vigil are not only disgusting, but haunted as well. Averted in Dark Fall II: Light's Out, as the tourist restrooms on Fetch Rock 2004 aren't filthy, they just need their trash bins emptied.
- Fahrenheit starts with a grisly murder in the Disgusting Toilet of a Greasy Spoon.
- In Hector: Badge of Carnage, Hector starts the game by having to fish out something out of a toilet in the prison cell of a police station which while not 'public' fits the trope completely. After many other disgusting bathroom jokes and puzzles, episode 3 has you interacting with the portable public toilet at an outdoor festival.
- The school bathrooms in Kraken Academy!!. Honestly, it's a surprise the sinks even work. In addition to the usual grime of a filthy bathroom, there's also rats running around, and tentacles in the toilet. Don't worry about the tentacles though, that's just the headmaster.
- Lakeview Cabin Collection uses a movie theater for its Hub World; one of the toilets is completely backed up, overflowing and completely unusable.
- In The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, the bathroom of the Stock Pot Inn in Clock Town has some fungus growing inside it, as seen when wearing the Mask of Scents. From midnight to 6:00 AM, the toilet has a huge nasty hand of unknown identity sticking out of it. "Pa-Pa-Pa-Paper!" This hand reappears in Oracle of Ages and Skyward Sword, but in those games it is less creepy than the original.
- Madagascar: Invoked in Penguin Mutiny when Skipper flushes all the toilets on the ship, distracting nearby crewmen enough for him to sneak past.
- The Dur-T Cafe from Mother 3 is basically one of these in restaurant form; as for its actual bathrooms, you thankfully don't get to actually see what's in them, but they both have rather questionable-looking doors to say the least, and at one point, the "women's" one even (presumably) gets used by a quite-literal wild cow!
- One of the Portal Doors strewn across the map in Nexus Clash was once the door of a fast-food men's bathroom and now leads directly to the pits of Fire and Brimstone Hell. It's implied that this may be an improvement on its previous destination.
- Played with in Nightmare Ned, where a transition between two nightmare levels involves a toilet with a sign overhead marked "The Worst Toilet in Ned's Nightmare". The titular character opts to avoid it entirely and drop down a crevice instead...leading into a nightmare level inspired by his fear of bathrooms.
- Aya Brea in Parasite Eve 2 has great fun discussing the bathrooms and lavatories she investigates, before coming to the conclusion she needs to get out more.
- Scattered around Paradise, AZ in Postal 2 are these and in Paradise, there's no Wondrous Ladies Room. They look just as nasty as the men's room with toilet bowls full of piss and grimy floors.
- One of the levels in PowerWash Simulator is set in a washroom containing six of these, with the Player Character having to clean them up with their trusty high-pressure washer. However, since the protagonist is wearing a full-body suit complete with respirator mask, it's a bit less disgusting than it otherwise would be.
- Inverted in Sam & Max Hit the Road; the bathrooms at Snucky's are told to be the cleanest in five counties. After Max does his business, he and Sam can steal the keys as no one deserves bathrooms that clean (they also need the rasp from the keychain to get past the bouncer at the Bigfoot convention).
- In Shin Megami Tensei: Strange Journey, you don't see the bathroom itself, but apparently the Red Sprite's bathroom gets so disgusting that Kanbari, "God of the Privy", invades. After you defeat him, he chides the crew for not taking better care of their facilities.
- Silent Hill 2 opens in one of these. James eventually plunges his hand into one of these to get a key. Ugh...
- Silent Hill 3 also features equally disgusting toilets, though unlike James, Heather outright refuses to stick her hand in one if you have ''Silent Hill 2'' save data on the same memory card.
- The Sims: This can be a randomly-rolled fear of a Sim, which means that they fear using a public toilet in general, even if it's clean, but when it's one of these it becomes a thousand times worse.
- In The Sims 4, a Sim that uses an outdoor public bathroom will get hit with a negative "So Gross" moodlet, saying "Setting foot in that public bathroom may have been a mistake."
- This is an item available to use as a decoration in Starbound. Naturally, it's located in the derelict human prisons.
- In The Grossery Gang webseries, the toilet of the Yucky Mart is even more disgusting than the store itself, which says a lot, considering the state of the store. The walls are littered with marker graffiti and random stains, while the toilet is actually hairy. Most of the time, characters are flushed down it to get rid of them.
- TP is mainly set in a public washroom that's shown to be very filthy and unkempt. This is likely a stylistic choice to emphasize how bleak the protagonist's situation is. We see the outside world in the credits, though.
- San Antonio Rock City "Autobiography II"
- Subverted in an old Basil Flint strip. Basil expects a gas station's restroom to be filthy...and is awestruck when it turns out to be the cleanest restroom he has ever seen. He spends an entire strip sitting on the toilet basking in the restroom's radiance.
- Better Days: 
- In this Death and the Maiden comic, the protagonists try to lose one of Death's 'accidental' corpses in a public bathroom stall, getting second thoughts when seeing the stall. Nobody, they reason, would sit there - not even to die.
- In Daisy Owl, the Rest Stop bathroom described by Mr. Owl is a humorously extreme example.
- El Goonish Shive: Subverted in this strip where Elliot initially dreads going into a gas station bathroom, out of fear that it will be absolutely disgusting. However, someone really takes pride in keeping that bathroom clean. (In The Rant, Dan admits that the reason for this is that he shares Elliot's distaste to the extent that he couldn't bring himself to draw a "realistic" gas station bathroom.)
Janitor: I'm gonna win the prize someday!
Clerk: There's no prize for clean bathrooms.
Janitor: I was talking about Highlander.
- In this I'm My Own Mascot comic, this leads to the destruction of the Earth.
- An old sub-comic hosted on Bob and George, Jailhouse Blues, featured Nasty Toilet Man, the multiple failed attempts at defeating became a running gag of sorts. He was finally beaten with More Ammunition Than God and a microwave.
- St. Dyphna Academy: There's one bathroom at the school so absolutely filthy that even the ghost won't go into it.
- Toilets With Threatening Auras on Twitter exists for images of this trope.
- In "20 Reasons Why NOT to Be 'In Da Club'" by Matthew Santoro, Matthew says that the bathrooms at clubs are a reason to not go to the club. He gags, and says that that reason is self-explanatory, so he won't bother getting into it.
- In an episode of Counter Monkey, Spoony describes how he used to clean/"muck out" the facilities in the game store he once worked at. It was not pretty. As he described it, when faced with a public restroom, gamers seemed to "lose all sense of public decency".
- Cracked has this article in which a normal, decent restroom gradually becomes one: 
- In East Park 3. the toilet bathroom has Xenomorph eggs in it.
- In Season 12 of Red vs. Blue, Grif finds one stuffed with a dead body.
- The website Retail Hell Underground has an entire section dedicated to this. Let's just say...people do some really disturbingly gross things in public bathrooms, and sometimes even worse, when people don't even make it to the toilet, or when they mistake the fitting rooms for a Bathroom Stall.
- The book Retail Hell by Freeman Hall, one of the founders of Retail Hell Underground, describes a story in which he walks into the bathroom and finds that someone had taken a massive dump in the urinal, and nobody could use the men's room for the rest of the day. He also describes a very disturbing incident involving a fitting room disaster...Let's not go there. Too Much Information. Really, let's NOT.
- There once was an SCP called The Worst Place/Thing In The World which is located inside a porta-potty. It's driven all who have seen it, even over a video feed, insane. So do most SCPs really, but this one does a really good job of it. Although it was removed from the official SCP site, one may still find it elsewhere.
- In Animaniacs, the episode "Potty Emergency", Wakko is in a desperate search to find a bathroom and arrives at a gas station. When he turns on the light, the entire wall seems to recede: It's covered ceiling to floor in cockroaches, and the rest of the horrors within are mercifully implied by Wakko's reaction to it rather than shown to us.
Wakko: I can't potty in there! It's disgusting!
- In the Animaniacs movie Wakko's Wish, King Salazar's torture routine involves a trip though the same restroom. The attendant's previous warning of "I haven't cleaned it in a year" is changed to three years. Played for Laughs, obviously.
- In Big Mouth, Nick and Andrew have no choice but to use a gross restroom at a sketchy truck stop (inexplicably run by Coach Steve) during a Passover vacation to Florida, having no time to waste because of Andrew's perpetually irate father. The restroom is disgusting enough on its own, but there's also substantial evidence that someone was murdered there.
- On Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Bloo has to stop at a truck stop to go to the bathroom, and he wears plungers on his feet "because public bathrooms are so grody" and he wants to keep from stepping in the germs.
- The Venture Bros. - there's a porta-john at the Venture compound yard sale. They're never really pleasant, but the Monarch just won't shut up about it. However, his issue is less of sanitation and more about discomfort. He ends up determined to break into the building and find a real bathroom.
Dr. Girlfriend: How'd it go in there?
Monarch: Oh not well. It was all sound and fury, signifying nothing. We have to find a real toilet!