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Fan Fic / Those Lacking Spines

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Once upon a time, in The World That Never Was, at an indeterminate time of day, Xaldin, Vexen, and Lexaeus encountered a monster that was destroying the Organization by taking their... you know. Immune thanks to them being "ugly" (a teenage fanbrat is in control and clearly doesn't realize that Lexaeus is MANLY), these three nobodies embark on a world-hopping journey to save their comrades, battling the gutless and countless pop culture references, in an attempt to restore logic, sanity and good humor to the fanfiction universe, all while protecting their groins from assault by the Semes. Who are kind of like The Heartless, but instead of hearts, are disembodied, um... you know.

Yes, really.

Those Lacking Spines is a Kingdom Hearts fanfiction written by Gexegee of Organization VI. As a Meta Fic, it parodies just about every aspect of bad fanfiction. Xaldin, Vexen, and Lexaeus race through alternate universes, and encounter a wide variety of Fanfic Tropes, including Slash Fics, High School AUs, Self Insert Fics, Song Fics, Cross Overs, Crack Fics, Wangst, and Canon Defilement, while keeping the plot of Gutless changing the remaining members of Organization XIII into shadows of themselves. Along the way, it viciously lampoons several other franchises, lovingly mocking everything under the sun in a brilliant, hilarious (and sometimes long-winded) romp through fanfiction itself.

A 4th anniversary Dramatic Reading of the fanfic has been started by the author.


Those Lacking Spines contains examples of:

  • Added Alliterative Appeal: The V for Vendetta reference.
  • Animate Inanimate Object: Xaldin's sideburns.
  • Apathetic Teacher: Ms. Larxene. She spends almost all of her screen time flirting with the class' parents, or explaining to the class why they will never amount to anything.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: The heroes have landed on the City of OC, subverted the Mary Sue's intimidation power, easily destroyed Marly-dono's prospective army, and are about to storm his lair. "Agh! And they're throwing their unconscious bodies into my beautiful rosebushes! THOSE WERE RAISED BY HAND, YOU BASTARDS!"
    • "Organization XIII was not a nice group of sort-of-kind-of-former people. They toyed with minds, they twisted relationships, they used lives as tools, they manipulated innocents, they spread chaos, they captured hearts, they lengthened the lines at the DMV and they commanded Heartless."
  • As Long as It Sounds Foreign: Parodied; a lot of characters have vaguely Japanese-sounding gibberish for last names. Sora's is Wanahakaruugi.
  • Attack Pattern Alpha: “Let’s attempt Maneuver 35, shall we?”
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  • Author Filibuster: Our three heroes will often speak at length about the different shortcomings and merits of different tropes of fanfiction. As with all tropes, they hang a lampshade on their tendency to do this.
    Vexen: My, wasn't that heavy-handed?
  • Author Avatar: All of Organization VI appear at some point. Gexegee does deserve special mention, as she appeared on the GSS Existentialist completely randomly, shouted from the ship's bedroom for Xaldin to bring in the whipped cream, and then got thrown out into space.
  • Badass Boast: Jeffiroth's, though lampshaded by Xaldin and Lexaeus.
  • Ballroom Blitz: Aku-chan interrupts Destiny Sanctuary Peak High School Academy Grammar School's Spring Fling Formal Prom Hop to create Gutless out of the student characters. The protagonists interrupt his plan right back.
  • Beauty Equals Goodness: A justified inversion: Vexen, Xaldin, and Lexaeus are seen as "ugly" (read: not Bishōnen) and are more-or-less immune to Ukeification because of it, since their supposed ugliness means they're often ignored by the Fan Dumb. The Semes, who were created by a teenage Fangirl, actually are Bishōnen and are working as the villains.
  • Berserk Button: As Vexen clearly enunciates, “Nobodies. Do not. Have. Hearts.
    • Zexy-poo does NOT listen to Savage Garden!
  • Best Years of Your Life: Vexen wants to know who "they" are that say that, because he'd rather jump in front of a train than live knowing they were the pinnacle of his existence.
  • Big Bad: The Grand Master Fangirl.
  • Big Damn Heroes: Xaldin, Vexen and Lexaeus are rescued from the Mary-Sue Gutless by the revived Larxene.
  • Big "NO!": Happens fairly often. Riku does this, not once but three times in the High School A.U. chapter.
  • Big Red Button: The button to the BETA.
    • Xuxastell also pushes one, thinking it would make her the first Nobody with a heart in Chapter 5. It turns her back into Larxene instead.
  • Bishōnen: As a type of Gutless.
  • Bizarrchitecture: The floating second darkest tower in Vacillating Heights has a basement... despite the lack of earth to house such a basement.
  • Blackmail: After being restored to their normal selves, Axel and Larxene gleefully set up a tea party for their currently-Ukeified comrades and record the entire thing.
  • Bland-Name Product: Mostly averted by giving the actual names of products, but one chapter has a computer with a 'Macrohard Exceed' program.
  • The Body Parts That Must Not Be Named: When the Semes take the protagonists' male friends' genitals, the testicles are referred to as the "you know" and the penis as the "that".
  • Bold Inflation: Doubled, with Jeffiroth (JEFFIROTH). "He was so badass his font was bolded."
  • Bowdlerise: Parodied with the Gutless' name. Vexen "was going to call them the Nutless, but Disney put their foot down. Some nonsense about not scaring the children and lawsuits, something about a VHS cover or something."
  • Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs: Almost all of which are in a single, long paragraph. See Long List below.
  • Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: "The Saïx we recruited is stoic, collected, and mildly psychopathic with a sadistic twist."
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: Too many times to count.
  • Brick Joke: The time of day in The World That Never Was, Jeffiroth's choir, pages of blank verse.
  • Brown Note: "I can't see. I cannot see. My retinas have committed suicide."
  • Camp Gay: Marly-dono and almost all of the Ukes.
  • Cerebus Syndrome: The first ten chapters poked fun at all of the clichés and themes in the Kingdom Hearts fandom while having what is little more than an Excuse Plot; the next two ramp up the seriousness of the plot (if there was any to start with) while keeping numerous pieces of snark.
    • In a different manner of speaking, the fic was originally a Troll Fic. After a while, the readers and Gexegee realized she had a real gem in her hands and actually started writing it to be a good fic.


Example of: