Funny: Mystery Science Theater 3000
With nearly two hundred 2-hour episodes (including the KTMA era) featuring some of the most ludicrously awful films ever made, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a series packed with funny moments - and not just the unintentional ones in the films being riffed.
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The Crawling Eye
- Some of the riffing in this episode is pretty funny, for instance:
Alan (in film): Too many things missing…
Crow: Like a plot!
202: The Sidehackers
- When Rita pulls out a lock and Rommel asks "Now what am I gonna do with that?" and Rita replies "It's what I'm gonna do with it", Crow's mouth drops open.
- The Invention Exchange features the Mads' tank tops... as in, tops that are tanks (a shot of the Mads opening fire was used in the opening credits throughout the Joel/Frank years).
- Crow & Tom Servo pranking Joel with a fake movie sign after the intro.
- This riff:
Joel, Tom, Crow: We-are-scientists! Get-out-of-our-way!
- While trying to escape the planet:
Scientist: (to robot) "How much longer before we have to leave?"Servo: "About...two...minutes...ago..."
- The Jet Jaguar Theme Song.note
He jock it made of steel
Eats sushi from a pail
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him
He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity
He dickey covers up an Adams apple the size of a Toyota
He basically good-hearted but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock
(Knock! Knock! Knock!)
His head looks like Jack Nicholson
Don't smile like that, it will stay that way
(after singing finishes) Don't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man.note
- The final fight between Godzilla and Jet Jaguar vs Megalon and Gigan, treated like a tag team Professional Wrestling match:
Tom: So what will Godzilla bring to this fight?
Joel: He'll bring the legend that is Godzilla!
Crow: Yep, he's the policeman: I don't always agree with his methods, but I respect him.(Later, when Godzilla uproots a tree and starts clubbing Megalon with it:)Crow: He's got a tree! He's got a tree!! This is not the Godzilla we know; he's fighting dirty!
Servo(as Jet Jaguar): A tree? That is not like you.
Joel(as Godzilla, as he tosses the tree aside): You're right, it isn't even the right club for this hole. Now let's win it our way!(Later)Joel: This is what it all boils down to, a little game of life that we call "character".
Crow: Yeah, even if Godzilla doesn't win this fight he's still aces in my book!
- "Dysfunctional Popcorn".
301: Cave Dwellers
- The redoing of the opening credits skit, especially the really really huge numbers of things that were apparently the property of Gizmonic Institute.
- During the village scene...
Ator: "Ravani was a great man..."Tom (as Ator): "...but dumber than a bag of hammers."
- Practically the entire episode can count, really. Other high light include "The second most important thing- is Peanut Butter!", Ator flies, "I'm grinding the Romano Cheese" and plenty of others.
- The reactions to Ator's hang glider, summed up with Tom's perfectly delivered "This is a little ridiculous."
- When the Mads check with the crew to see their after-movie reaction, all Joel, Tom and Crow can do is shake their heads disapprovingly and growl. Once they regain the power of speech, they rip into the movie.
Crow: "...Okay, during the raping & pillaging, a prehistoric caveman is clearly seen wearing a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? It's OG!"
- "It has nothing to do with pods; it has nothing to do with people; it has everything to do with hurting."
- Crow's "Potato Soliloquy".
- The voice Crow did for Trumpy and most of his lines, this one in particular;
Tommy: Now we can play!Crow: [As Trumpy] Like hell, more food!
- The Mads' (completely justified) reaction to the third host segment.
- Idiot Control Now! Hideous control now! Ninny on the road now! Minnie in control, wheels on fire, burnin' rubber tires...
- "Face it, kid. Trumpy never loved you."
- Crow & Tom Servo arguing about whether Mac or IBM is the superior operating system, in addition to Servo's inability to work with the IBM clone.
Tommy: This is rich! "Bad command or file name". They expect you to be a MACHINE to operate this machine!Crow: I suppose you'd prefer a little animated clown who would juggle over to the little file cabinet, wink at you and point to the right drawer?Tommy: Yeah, sure! At least I don't have to have a photographic memory to get my Mac to work!
- What happens when "the button" - the one Frank presses to end the show - gets broken? Here's a hint; it takes a full three minutes and nine seconds for the real credits to roll. Perhaps one of the funniest credit sequences in TV history.
- And, of course....The epic, 'PANTS UP SONG!'
- From Fugitive Alien: He tried to kill me with a forkliiiift!
- Tom's increasingly dark accompaniments to the theme music, culminating in:
Tom: "Now watch the kids go to their fates/they'll disappear into the woods/it will be days before they're found/Cornjob will be blamed."
- Tom Servo's rendition of "The Spider March":
Tom: "SPIIIIDER! SPIIIIIDER! SPIIIIDER! SPIIIIDER!"
- The short "Catching Trouble," wherein Joel and the Bots take one of the most uncomfortable cases of Values Dissonance you will ever see and turn it into a triumphant example of Crossing The Line Twice.
- The "Catching Ross" skit afterwards was funny as it was awesome. The best part was the high pitched voice Joel used on the Ross doll as he torments it.
"Not the giant rattler! Please! Please, not the giant rattler! I can't do that! He hates me! We went to camp together!"
- "Gamera's main characteristic?! OF COURSE!" Riff: "He's FRENCH!"
- One outtake was supposed to have Joel have a simple word while eating waffles. And he blows it, apparently for no better reason than because he can.
Joel: Pancakes! — oh, I blew it, I'm sorry.
Kevin Murphy: You nut! Get outta town!
Joel: I'm sorry!
Jim Mallon: Blah blah blah...
- The short The Home Economics Story features one of the series' outstanding riffs: "Look look! Look at my crotch! Look look! Look at my crotch! Look at my crotch! LOOOOOOK at my crotch!" It gleefully Crosses the Line Twice and is pure hilarity.
- The Mads' invention exchange is a device to bring meat back to life, which they use on a chicken. After Joel and the Bots get done with their invention, we cut back to Deep 13, where Frank and the chicken are now fighting with knives.
Frank: Dear god, What Have I Done!?
- This exchange:
Rocky: "They say it could blow up the universe."Servo: "Or worse!"
- The opening sketch, with Joel and the Bots generating new Mex-American food items by mixing up random words, leading to such stunning examples as the "Bel Rocco Poco Loco Roccoco Taco" and the "Pat Morita Fajita".
Joel: It's just part of the American way, turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer.
- The downright bizarre Mr. B Natural short/advertisement for Conn marching band instruments inspires some of Joel and the Bots' sharpest riffing.
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apologies for all of this. Please.
- "There's no place in the civilized world for a creature that big."
Servo: So we're sending him to Cleveland.
- This bit when Carradine and the hero are arguing and the camera suddenly cuts to one of those 'inside the human body' models:
Joel: "Stop fighting and get me skin!"
- Joel and the bots talking about what they want for Christmas.
- Several of the Brains have pointed out that they probably only got away with lines like that because it was a cute robot saying them, instead of a human.
- Their repeated Alternate Character Interpretation for Santa:
Henderson: "Hello, Santa!"Crow: "Get the HELL out of my shop!"
- The montage of fake-looking military stock footage has some amusing lines.
- Patrick Swayze Christmas, anyone?
- And, twenty years later, they enhanced it.
- "IT'S SANTA BEAR!"
- "Santa Claus, you're coming with us!"
Joel: You're comin' to town!
- Tom Servo's essay, "A Child's Christmas in Space."
"It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and bible black. And as I look down on the big blue bean we would call home, I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star, and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight, because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile... of course, his face would be rosy, because it's a vacuum out there. I mean, Santa's heart would explode! But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper! Oh, the humanity! And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out...And the reindeer — oh, the REINDEER!!! — keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails! Prancer: BOOM! Dancer: BOOM!"
405: Being from Another Planet
- The Mads' Tragic Moments Figurines, such as "Sparky's Last Romp" (a little boy holding his just-run-over-by-a-car dog).
- "No shrews were hurt in the making of this picture! Well, a few..."
- The running gag about Dixieland jazz.
- Joel's Will Rogers "impression".
- The scene where Servo and Crow have Joel whip up a super-sugary drink called the "Killer Shrew". Joel takes one sip and passes out, then Frank tries some and starts dancing with an affronted Dr. Forrester.
Dr. Forrester: New rule, Frank: don't ever touch me!
- The outtakes:
- During the Super Freak Out bit, Gypsy knocks over the prop box used for the Super Freak Out kit. It results in revealing that the box is actually for a toy spider that's part of the He-Man toy line, with Joel and 'Bots reacting in terror to the spider.
- Crow's line during one of the host segments is "I hate movies where the men just wear shorter skirts than the women." During one take, Trace instead says "I hate movies where the women wear shorter skirts than..." and as he trails off Kevin makes Tom say "I love movies like that!"
- During the Pants Song, Joel flubs his line and says "Shit", which results in Joel, Trace and Kevin singing about shit instead of pants.
- And before the Pants Song, Tom falls off the table, leaving Crow singing shyly alone while Joel helps him up.
- Here, for your listening pleasure: Pants! Pants! Sing the praises of pants!
- Crow flat-out stating that a drawing a kid sent in during the letters segment isn't very good. The way Crow delivers the line so matter-of-factly is what sells it.
- The ending: Joel and the Bots receive a "Banner-Gram," which results in Bovaro from the movie (played by John Banner) visiting the SOL. They find him so annoying that they send him to Deep 13, where he annoys Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank throughout the credits. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for the SoL crew.
- "Welp, I can't take a crap! Bobby's my witness."
- The entire "They Just Didn't Care" sequence is hysterical, but the Mads' "rebuttal" from the film's director, Larry Buchanan (Mike Nelson in a torn, homemade "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt, backwards baseball cap, bad wig, and utterly vacant expression), is the icing on the cake:
Forrester: They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we Frank.
Frank: Yeah. Hey Larry, c'mere. C'mere. (pulls Larry over to the camera) Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream, your vision, and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream, and turned it into a reality through year- well, days of hard work, determination, struggle, you took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (resigned) you don't really care, do you. (Larry smiles, nods, and points at Frank as if to say, "That's right!")
Forrester: (sighs) Push the button, Frank... (Frank shrugs and pushes the button)
- Johnny at the Fair, perhaps one of the darkest shorts of the Joel era. And damn, it's hilarious.
Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland"...Joel: Oh, we've all been there.Narrator: ...But there are lots of people inside, so he thinks he'll check on things.Crow: A whiskery man hands him a small package. "The first one's free," he says.
- Later in the short, when Johnny is hopping in front of a trick mirror.
Narrator: Johnny can't stop jumping up and down.Crow: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.
- Later in the short, when Johnny is hopping in front of a trick mirror.
- Hugh Beaumont angrily answers the phone:
Crow: "The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy!?"
- Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...Servo: "Oops"?Narrator: ..."radiation".Servo: Oh.
- "Yes, I made that phone noise."
- The hilarious song Tom sings during the Circus On Ice short:
Tom Servo (Singing): These two girls, they make quite a pair. They both come from your worst nightmare. They will haunt your soul forever. And now. When you see pink. You're gonna think. "We're doomed." They are agents of Satan...Joel (Laughing): Stop it, Tom.
- Even the tone of voice TV's Frank uses to announce the short is hilarious.
Frank: Circus.Forrester: [Chuckles gleefully]Frank: ...on Ice.Forrester: [Laughs maniacally]
- The episode starts on a high note with the Invention Exchange, which has an action figure theme. Dr. Forrester declares that if Joel's invention is judged superior, the SoL crew will get to watch Local Hero, but if the Mads' invention is declared superior, they will have to suffer through Monster A-Go Go. Frank is appointed judge and, naturally, makes no pretence of being impartial. The Mads' invention is nevertheless a classic - Johnny Longtorso, the action figure who is himself sold separately.
Forrester, Frank: (singing while marching in place) Johnny Longtorso, Johnny Longtorso, the man who comes in pieces! (whip noise) He's long!note
- The instantly-memetic "I'm the wind, baby!"
- "Take that kazoo out of your mouth!"
- Joel and the Bots dissecting "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)":
Tom: Since 72 percent of the American population lives in a landlocked state or province, in actuality this couple has no idea whether they like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape!
The Bots: Let's see, uh...."Hungry as hell...gee, that leg looks swell...." (the later bit is not a real lyric).
- The best part? Joel off-handedly informing the bots that the title character in another Rupert Holmes-penned song, "Timothy" (who is eaten by his fellow trapped miners while they await rescue), was in fact a duck. This causes Crow and Servo to immediately drop everything and analyze the song line by line.
- Circus shorts tend to bring out the dark humor in the cast. In Here Comes the Circus, Joel chides the bots for it...
[Clowns are waving to kids in the stands]
Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Wooo...
Tom: Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't begin to understand.
Crow: "Sieg heil!"
Tom: "Sieg heil, kids!"
Joel: Hey, guys; c'mon, lighten up...
[Later, during the elephant act...]
Joel: An elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie!
[The bots gasp]
Tom: Now who's getting dark? Heh heh, I mean I like it, but...
- The Failure song and dance.
- Just about everything regarding the hero's ineptitude, really.
"Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed!"
"Are you with the bride or the failure?"
- Just about everything regarding the hero's ineptitude, really.
- Joel and the bots trying to figure out what exactly is sampo.
Dr. Eric Vornoff: I am not coming home.
Crow (as Vornoff): Not till Mommy says she's sorry.
- The episode gets off to a flying start with the Invention Exchange:
- The Mads have a guillotine to chop the heads off chocolate Easter bunnies with a minimum of mess.
Dr. Forrester: (reading execution order) "You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine." Ah, off with their head, Frank.
- And on the Joel side of the Exchange, the Cartuner, which merges comic strips together to make new ones.
- The Mads have a guillotine to chop the heads off chocolate Easter bunnies with a minimum of mess.
- "And there goes Torgo, he's rounding the Master, heading for the straightaway and there he goes!"
- After a particularly long scene where the actors are all standing around, not saying anything to each other:
Joel:...WILL SOMEONE BREAK THE ICE, PLEASE?
- "The damn car won't start." "Yeah, that's a real bitch, Daddy."
- Michael orders Torgo to put their bags back in the car:
Michael: "Right now! Fast, damn it, fast!"
Joel: [as Torgo, sarcastically] Yeah, here I go. Vroom.
- As Torgo takes nearly a whole minute to stand up and say one line:
Joel: DO SOMETHING!! God!
503: Swamp Diamonds
- The Invention Exchange has TV's Frank's picture-in-picture TV that shows what you'd be doing if you weren't watching TV, while Joel and the Bots have the Andrew Lloyd Webber Grill, which incinerates any of Lloyd Webber's "overblown scores" in seconds.
- The episode hits the ground running with the opening sketch in which Tom and Crow are trying to get Crow's temperature down to absolute zero.
Joel: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel R- hey, wait a minute, what's with the Crow-in-the-box?
Tom: Oh, we're bringing his temperature down to absolute zero! Seems like it might be kinda fun.
Joel: (feels outside of box, then puts on industrial glove and hurries around the table to the box) Wait a minute, you can't do that, if you go to absolute zero there'll be no molecular motion, it'll start a chain reaction and kill us all!
Tom: Yeah, that's kinda how it played out in our scenario- (realisation dawns) well, wait a minute, that's kind of stupid, isn't it!?
Joel: Yeah, it's stupid, we gotta get him outta there! (reaches into box... only for Crow to fall apart as soon as Joel touches him)
Tom: Oh, good one, Joel!
Joel: Oops. Uh, we'll be right back, I...
Tom: I'm not puttin' him back together, either! (leaves)
Crow: I'm shattered!
(after the break, Crow is sloppily put together with clamps, clothes pegs and glue)
Joel: Okay, there ya go, good as new.
Crow: Sure! If you ignore the massive structural damage and my complete lack of any re- resale value...
Joel: Yeah, I was ignoring that.
(Tom enters, his head filled with flowers)
Tom: (dazed, speech slurred) Oh hi! Say, would you guys hurry up with that glue? It's really starting to affect me... (faints)
- The hilarity continues through the Invention Exchange, in which Joel has invented the Porkerina to imitate the incidental music on The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, and Petticoat Junction, while Dr. Forrester drains all of Frank's blood and replaces it with antifreeze... For Science!
- The show often made fun of the social attitudes at the times that the film du jour was made, but never with more shocking directness than during I Accuse My Parents, when the protagonist skates on a manslaughter charge just because he had drunk parents: "Wow. Thank God I'm white!"
- The clearing-the-land sequence from The Truck Farmer short. "Early tractor pulls, not that much fun... this is the freestyle competition!" "Aaaugh, it's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!"
- The Invention Exchange from this episode features the Mads' Cake-and-Shake. Frank's idea to fold the exotic dancer into the cake before baking is rather ill-received by Dr. Forrester.
Crow: Oh, it's beefcake!
- When Jimmy decides on the spot to rob a restaurant: "Uh, c-...can I...can I rob you?"
- Early in the film, Erika comes to see Cain in his room, but thanks to a bad case of Special Effects Failure, the door opens outward, leading Crow to sputter out:
Crow: Hey... wait a minute, doors don't open like that... there's a number... he's in the hall!
- The other scenes that focus on Cain's room would end up either having the women asking why his stuff is in the hall or Cain musing why the girls are in his room when they leave.
- Near the end of the episode, Mayor Polk goes to confront Cain. He reaches back for his guns, which aren't there:
Joel: [as Polk] Draw, er... wait a sec!
- This is followed by Polk appraoching Cain with a pitchfork, the angling of the camera causing Crow and Tom to sing out part of the Green Acres theme!
Crow: [as Polk approaches] Do-doo, do-do-doo, the chores!Tom Servo: Do-doo, do-do-doo, [switches to Cain] ...the hell?
- During the opening credits:
Tom Servo: Mittens? An action film called Mittens?Tom Servo: Mithril? Oh, wait, it's Mitchell.Crow: Oh, the Martha Mitchell story.Tom Servo: Joe Don Baker IS Martha Mitchell!
- Joel & the bots beat-boxing to the Bow Chicka Wow Wow music of the opening credits.
- Joel and the bots reaction to the bottle of baby oil on Mitchell's nightstand.
Crow: (to the Thematic Theme Tune playing in the background) Oh my, my, my, my GOD!!!
- In the outtakes, Mike attempts to tell a story from his childhood and flubs it up, prompting Trace to have Crow say "Get to the part where you pee!"
- One of Mike's first riffs:
as Darth Vader: Luke, join me or you'll star in Corvette Summer.
- This exchange:
Mikey: Betty, I gotta talk to you! I just gotta!
Tom: (imitating Mikey's high-pitched nasal voice) I think I'm a hermaphrodite!
- Tom's freakout. "END! EEEEEEEEEEEEEND!"
- The entire Cheating short:
Miss Grandy: "Did you really earn that grade, John?"Servo: (as John) "Oh, hi Miss Grandy...Ah! AAAAAAAAAAAGHHH! GET AWAY!!"
- Miss Grandy haunting John as a disembodied visage:
- Crow's squeaky Kathy Ireland impressions.
- And, for that matter, Kathy Ireland's acting.
- The 'Name that Emotion' skit, in which Mike is supposed to guess the character's emotions based on still shots from the movie. Once he realizes that every still-shot shows Dull Surprise, he racks up quite a high score.
- Mike and the 'Bots interrupting the Mads' "Us Day". Mike has to close Crow's mouth for him.
- Servo's random impression of Frank Nelson. "Mmmmyeeeeesss?"
- "We're not afraid of big ol' bugs / Army guys like gentle hugs!"
Wainwright: [very firmly and forcefully] "You know I'm not given to hysteria, and you've got to listen to me with an open mind!"
Tom Servo: [panicked, hysterical gibberish] ARUHRAAGHWE'REALLGONNADIEAHDAHCRICKETSGFNUHH
- The Invention Exchange, with Crow and Tom imitating Dr. F and Frank, and vice-versa. The meta joke of Trace's two characters mocking each other is delicious. "I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and I've got my head stuck up m--"
- The rather copious amounts of flesh on display in Outlaw [of Gor] inspire Mike and the Bots to pay homage to them in song. "It's an areological, auto-erotical, tubular boobular joy / Exposularegional, batchical-pouchular fun for girl and boy..."
- The crew reading Jack Palance's diary while the movie was being filmed. In the last entry, Jack says he may have killed someone.
- As the closing credits of the movie roll, Mike says that the movie probably aired on the USA network. This leads to them making up various original movies, complete with cast. Six of them star Jeff Conaway.
- In the first act, The Mads have pretended to build a time machine. Dr. Forrester stops in Caveman Times, while TV's Frank visits Ancient Rome. In the last part, they do various dances, starting with a waltz, then moving to the charleston, a medley of 60s dances, and ending with the tango. Dr. Forrester accidentally drops Frank on the floor, then trying to act like nothing has happened, pushes the button.
- Radar Secret Service is preceded by the driving-safety short Last Clear Chance. After the kid's brother has been killed in a car crash:
Mike (as cop): You know, son, 40% of all accidents...Servo (as kid): OH, SHUT UP, will ya!
Servo: "Why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town!? Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Ptah!"
- "Would you identify this bucketful of your brother?"
- "And yet, many people who've lived through a crossing accident will say..." "AGGHHHHH!!!!"
- The sketch that results from this is also incredible.
Tom: Nearly 40% of all accidents represent...er, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares?! Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you! It'll happen to...the other guy!'Mike: [Thrusts lint into his own face] AAAAAAAAHH!Crow: Why don't they l-Mike: [Cutting off Crow and thrusting more lint into his own face] AAAAAAAAHH!Crow: Why don't they look?
- Culminating in Servo's epic Screw This, I'm Outta Here!:
- The disastrous attempt at Christmas caroling in the opening bit of Santa Claus.
- "The devil is a weiner!"
- "We're gonna burn burn burn those calories!"
- When Santa uses a magic key to unlock the gates to a house, the guys start making security alarm noises, with a barking dog to sell it.
- "Ho ho...Oh, I forgot France. Oh well! Ho ho ho!"
- From Teenage Crime Wave, Mystos. Dear Lord, MYSTOS!
- And the "Ode to Doughy Guys".
605: Colossus and the Headhunters
- "He looks like a cross between Spock and Bones!" "Dammit, me!"
- The entire sequence with Bobby and his extremely rotund grandfather.
Crow: This is a portrayal of deep clinical psychosis.(later)Crow: (as the grandpa deals with an extremely steep slope) Uh oh, here comes the most challenging scene of this movie!
- The entire dance party sequence is tremendous fodder as well, especially the one spastic dancer the crew compares to Jerry Lewis. They all laugh at the Dull Surprise reaction, "My God. What is it?"
Crow: Even the chemistry teacher is getting down!
- After the narrator announces that the monster next appeared in 'Lover's Lane,' we get yet another shot of the incredibly ponderous beast struggling up a hill:
Servo: "What's that say? 'Lover's Lane: Eight miles'?! AWWWW!"
- Gypsy tries - and fails - to pull off a Stealth Insult.
Gypsy: Now I understand why he's so sick! Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with "bitch"! Oh! I mean, with "witch"!
[Movie Sign activates, and everyone panics]
Tom: Wow! She said it! She said the word! [Singing] Gypsy's in trouble, Gypsy's in trouble...
[Later, when they get into the theater]
Tom: Can I say it?
Mike: No, you can't say it...
- Magic Voice's "What-if" scenarios.
- As Tso-Tsing picks up a ringing phone:
Tom: This is Quinn Martin; we're not going to series.
- As the remarkably stuffed opening titles roll by:
Tom: Oh, I know what this is; it's an I Can't Pay You, But I'll Put Your Name In The Credits cast list.
- "Coffee? That's better than sex!"
- From The Violent Years, that musical classic... Tom Servo's theme song.
- The short Young Man's Fancy is hilarious from beginning to end, but certain bits stand out:
Servo: "Hey, where's the fire-extinguisher?!"
- Bob runs downstairs after a show:
Judy: "When I look at him I get, you know, squishy!"Mike: "Uh, that's nice, ma'am, I'm just trying to sell my magazines..."
- Judy on the phone, discussing Alex:
- There's a subplot about a couple going through a divorce and the effect it has on their teenage son, which, honestly, few viewers probably cared about. But when the same kid steals an Ercoupe and has to be talked through flying and landing safely, we're treated to some of the darkest, most deliciously hilarious riffs ever.
"Davey? All those people down there are getting divorced because of you!""Davey, you're gonna meet a guy in a black robe who wants to play chess with you...""The faces of those you’ve wronged will be floating up on your left.""By the way, Davey, where are your dental records?"
Crow: (as Davey) "AH! THE HAND OF GOD! Oh."
- Earlier, Davey is looking through the binoculars at the planes and Pernell teases him by putting his hand in front of the lens:
- This bit from the short:
Benjamin Franklin: "Plan your spending."William: (sarcastically) "Oh, that's sounds alright if you've got a lot of money to play with."Servo: (as Franklin) "Listen, you little toad..."
- Crow complains about having amnesia, spouting off things he shouldn't know if he did (his name, the date, his friends, obscure historical references). After getting struck by a clown hammer, he realizes he didn't have amnesia, he had Ambrosia (a 70's pop group). He starts singing "Make A Wish, Baby".
Servo: Hit him again. Harder this time.
- As the Angels pose in one shot:
Mike: (as an Angel) Who's not thrusting?(later)Crow: And who brought the brain?(later)April: We can still do it!Servo: And we have THESE!
- As one Angels climbs a ladder, show from below.
Crow: HEY! You're giving away the plot!
Crow: ... alright, I'm giving in and looking at the breasts.
- As a baddie looks in his girly magazine:
Mike: (as one Angel) Patty, is that the issue you're in?Servo: Beer and porn DO make the shift go faster.
- As said baddie takes said magazine into an outhouse:
Mike: Even for me, it's quite pungent in here.
- When the compound is exploding.
Servo: (as a barrel rockets in the air) Wee-hoo! That's some hot chili!Crow: My Charlie Daniels Band t-shirts were in there!Mike: The stench of trucker tapes and Slim Jims fill the air.
- When Michelle is performing her disco song "Shine Your Love", Mike whinnies at a closeup of her long face.
Crow: (as a depressed bettor walking in) I just lost $10,000!(later)Crow: (crusty) Hey, how about shinin' my steak while you're at it?
Crow: This was Jim Backus' first film after he died.
- During Michelle's photo shoot:
Servo: She's bouncing on Alan Hale's stomach!Mike: They're shooting her in some mall parking lot.Crow: Miss Max-Fly.note
- When a baddie bunches April in the gut.
Servo: HEY! That's my womb!
- All of the tortue scenes with Sticks.
Servo: They're revoking his membership!(later)Crow: (as Sticks) Can I have my wiener back?
- Mike reacts to Terry being a Sassy Black Woman:
Mike: Right on, Wilona!
- Watching Terry walking.
Mike: Sheesh, she's an arachnid!
- The general joke of a past-his-prime Arthur Godfrey being a burping, sleazy Dirty Old Man.
- Mike and the 'bots being turned into the cast of Renegade. It doesn't last.
- Frank dressed as Bobby Riggs and Forrester as Billy Jean King (while retaining his Skunk Stripe mustache.)
- Crow's laugh when you first see El Santo is priceless.
- Every time the devil shows up. "I have a question!"
Season 7 (including The Movie)
- The introduction of Crow:
Crow: According to my calculations, we can tunnel our way right back to Earth!Tom: Crow, you dope - you can't "tunnel" through space.(moments later, explosive decompression begins)Crow (mildly concerned): Well, this isn't right at all. Mike, could you pass me my plan?... Ah. Here it is: "Breach hull; all die." I even had it underlined.
- The overdramatic door sequence.
- Nor-mal VIEW!
- Tom reveals that he's had an interocitor (a way to communicate with Earth) sitting in his room all along, but didn't think it was important.
"I've been using it to make hot chocolate."
- The entire segment of Crow reading a book to a sick Pearl called Love's Sweet Throbbing Gondola.
Pearl: (to Forrester, in a daze) There was a small golden man reading to me from a dirty book.
- The guys had a ball with the Big Lipped Alligator Moment scene with the old couple.
Mike: They were open-minded to cast aliens in these roles.Servo: Did someone switch reels on us?!Crow: What is happening?!
Servo: She's got huge bird feet!(Crow starts making odd chicken clucks and turkey gobbles)
Mike: The Incredible Melting Grandma!
- Some good riffs during the Melting Man's attempt to get the young redneck woman:
Servo: (when she screams as she discovers the Melting Man eating her boyfriend) The eight-track ate Flirtin' With Disaster!Crow: (as she screams during a freakout after cutting his arm off) God I hate this wallpapeeeerrrrr!
- After Dr. Ted Nelson identifies himself and is immediately shot by security guards:
Mike(As the Melting Man): Woah! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here!
- "Look, are you READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!" becoming a big Running Gag.
- The SoL is heading straight for a black hole! There's only one man who can save the satellite...no! One woman...Captain Janeway! Sorta!
- "Captain Janeway" then ends up singing "Proud Mary." It must be seen to be believed.
- The ludicrous translated voices given to the turtle aliens. "Howdy-doo!"
Mike: "Well, did you?!"
- When the turtle alien captain is (apparently) chewing out his underlings, one turns to the other:
802: The Leech Woman
- "You know, if old women give him the creeps, maybe he shouldn't have gone into Old Womanology."
- "This is the 50's, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car!"
- "Neil? NEIL! NEIL!"
- "When you killed me, I diiiiied!" "Are we in the Southern part of the Galaxy?" The funniest part is that Crow is asleep for the entire segment - well, he does perk up to declare he likes the "Turkey Turkey" song.
- The opening segment has multiple sources of hilarity. The apes repairing the religious cult's "holy and everlasting Bomb", unaware all the while that they will be killed if it detonates (the heading "Bomb will detonate but people aren't dying" in the "Troubleshooting" section of the manual somehow does not tip them off); Mike inadvertently helping them render the bomb operational (to the Bots' horror); the Nanites building an entire control system in the SoL in a fraction of a second after tracking down a misplaced work order (when Mike asks why, if it could be built so quickly, they did not do the job weeks ago, the Nanite foreman scoffs, "Hey, I don't go to the john without a work order!"); and Mike dramatically pointing forward and declaring, "Engage," only for nothing to happen until Crow clears his throat and motions toward the throttle.
- "Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi"
Crow: (creepy monotone) "Go ahead, Mike. Tickle him."Mike: "No!"Crow: "Oh, I think you'd better, Mike. Tickle Me Carlo Lombardi doesn't like to be disappointed."
- A second planet falls to Mike's incompetence:
Ned the Nanite: "Hey, Steve! Mr. Nelson wants a number seven!"Mike: "Well, there you go! That took care of...Hey, what's a number seven?"Everyone: "AAAAHHH!"Servo: "Mike! You blew up another planet! What is your deal?!"Mike: "I just told them to take care of a little problem!"Crow: "And they did! Here comes Mike: Destroyer of Worlds!"Servo: "Oh, god of fire and vengeance, stay away from me, you loser!"
- The overweight sheriff played by Alan "Skipper" Hale doesn't exactly distinguish himself as a man of action, leading to this exchange:
Tom: The new Alan Hale Action Figure! He sits down, he snacks, he sits down again, he farts, he drives, he comes with his own lunch!
Mike: Action Alan Hale and Action Alan Hale's gut sold separately.
- "Could it happen?" "Could the movie get even worse?"
- The hero, Ivan, in classic fairy tale style, distracts a bunch of mountain trolls or something trying to rob him, and throws their cudgels so high in the air they won't come down until winter. The trolls watch the cudgels fly away, and then look back down at Ivan, and we get, in a completely deadpan indignant voice,
"You didn't tell us you were mythical!"
- Mike Nelson is Lord Of The Dance!
- A mushroom spirit begins playing hide and seek with the hero (it's that kind of movie, I guess); but the spirit has the power of invisibility, which is kind of an advantage.
Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors!
- The same mushroom man disappears in a puff of smoke:
Servo: Woah, I didn't know there were that many landmines left in Narnia!
- Anytime the Trope Namer of The Freelance Shame Squad shows up. Really, the crew has a ton of fun with Marfushka, including:
Crow: Ah, Penny Marshall was an adorable child.
(When the wicked stepmother is piling on the makeup on Marfushka)Crow: Ah, she has a healthy clown glow.
- It make be an Incredibly Lame Pun, but when Ivan is turned into a bear and spooks a trio of girls, Bill Corbett's delivery is perfect:
Crow: Am I un-bear-able?
- As Nastenka knits:
- The classic exchange:
Ivan: Nastenka, darling, will you marry me?
Mike: (as Nastenka) I should have married him. I'm getting so old!
Mike: 9as Nastenka) All the men I meet are either married or a bear.
- The legendary scene in which Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds blows up a planet in the most inconceivable fashion: with a baking soda bomb. Mrs. Forrester asked Mike to send air support from the SOL. She got far, far, far more than she bargained for...
Mike: (pouring baking soda into a bomb casing) Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...
Crow: I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—
Mike: (ignoring Crow) ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...
Tom Servo: D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.
Crow: Just a little too much—(sees Mike pull out a much larger box of baking soda) Whoa...
Mike: And for that temp job I worked on, too...(bitterly) until that one guy in receiving got me fired...
Crow: Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—
Mike: (again ignoring Crow) It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he?
Crow: Oh boy...
Mike: Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...
Tom Servo: So! Bombs away, Mike!
Crow: Okay, Mike! Bombs away!
Mike: Oh! Right... (walks away with the bomb as Crow and Tom Servo cheer)
Crow: Bombs away, Mike!
Tom Servo: Bombs away! (to Crow) Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.
Crow: Is that so?
(Mike reenters without the bomb)
Crow: Okay, okay! Hee-hee...
Mike: There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...
Crow: A little distraction!
(KABOOOOOOOOM!!!) (The bots are knocked off the table)
Crow: (gets back up) Okay...few things, Mike. First, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?
Tom Servo: Think so...
Crow: Second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!
- A man peeks out the window, giving away his hiding place as several henchmen are staring right back at him.
Crow: Five hours of staring at the window finally pay off.
- The hero rescues the girl from an assassination attempt and (maybe?) gropes her breast.
Crow: Hey! He copped a feel!
Mike: [disappointed] I saw that.
Tom Servo: [as hero] Hey, I touched her boob! I'm not a virgin anymore!
- Prince of Space rescues a scientist near the end, who says his name excitedly.
Servo: No, it's Michael Jeter— OF COURSE IT'S PRINCE OF SPACE!
- In the final host segment, when the movie's villain Krankor refuses to leave, Mike scares him off by saying "Aah".
- The Neptune Men menacingly approach the recently arrived Super Chief. As they do, Mike and the 'Bots drone out in sync "Ha. Ha. Ha. Your costume is ridiculous."
- The Who's on First? Noh theater host segment, where Mike (purposefully) messes with Crow and Servo.
Crow: Mike, I'm going to ask you a series of simple questions which even a cretin like you could answer "yes" or "no." Now, is there theater in Japan?
Crow: Good. And do you have a particular favorite type of Japanese theater?
Crow: Well, good. Now, we're gettin' somewhere. Mike, will you tell me the name of your favorite form of Japanese theater?
Crow: Why not?!
Mike: Why not what?
Crow: Why won't you tell me your favorite Japanese theater?!
Mike: I just did!
Crow: Did what?!
Mike: Told you my favorite form of Japanese theater!
Crow: You did?!
Crow: Well, will you tell me again?!
Mike: Yes. Noh.
Servo: Oh, c'mon!
- Pearl and Brain Guy fighting over a noose after seeing a huge statue of Bobo naked.
- "They took out the Hitler building!"
- And Tom's "Eat it movie!" song shortly thereafter, made even better when you know that Kevin Murphy really did hate the film because of the Hitler Building (as did the rest of the crew).
- The jokes involving the Enforcer chase and the movie's hero, David Ryder.
- This exchange:
Commander Santa Claus: Don't blame yourself, son.Crow: It's not your fault you're a chunk-head.
- Tom and Crow fighting in the escape pods.
Tom: Eat munchy-crunchy-chocolatey-cocoa DEATH, Crow!Crow: Enjoy a nice serving of brown betty...WITH DEATH! But mostly, eat death.
- "Slab Bulkhead!" "Slate Fistcrunch!" "Big McLargehuge!" "Bob Johnson! Oh wait..."
- "Ow! Why do you hate my groin so much?!"
- The scene where Servo installs way too many railings in the Satellite of Love. Then he adds some pits to justify the existence of all the railings, including a very deep pit that Mike falls into.
- "Wall-mounted keyboards! It must be... the future!"
- "That scene really makes me think... about how much better a root canal would be than this movie!"
- Over the credits, Tom and Crow ridicule Mike about how very Eighties the movie is. "All because of your Eighties. Your precious Eighties." "Yeah, it wouldn't have stopped being the Seventies if it wasn't for you, pal.", resulting in all 3 getting in a fight.
- Mike and Pearl have a cup of coffee and discuss things in a very straightforward manner - almost the only scene in which Pearl isn't a Large Ham.
Mike: Pearl - there's something I've always wanted to ask you. How come you're so... evil?Pearl (contemplatively): I don't really know. I'm full of hate - I don't know if that helps.
- The introduction segment has Mike attempt to do a recap, only for Tom to trick him into saying that they are Lost in Space. Cue him and Crow acting like The Robot and Dr. Smith, respectively.
Crow: You, you (stops using the Dr. Smith voice) You suck!Mike: HEY!Tom: DANGER DANGER! WARNING! DANGER WILL, ROBINSON DANGER!
- It gets even better when Crow runs out of alliterative insults and has to resort to this:
- Crow's reaction to finding out the main protagonist is a nerd:
Crow: I will not except this as our hero, movie! Movie! I demand to see your manager movie!
- Servo's disappointment that there won't be any skydiving grandmas in the movie.
- Crow tries to go back in time and stop Mike from getting trapped on the Satellite of Love. Unfortunately, Mike's slacker teenage self won't listen to him, leading to this exchange from Servo over the radio:
Tom: Hey Crow, this is Tom. It's almost Commercial Sign. Why don't you just kill him or something?Teenage Mike: Who's that?Crow: Uh, God.
Servo: DEAR GOD! He's a Journey fan!Crow: Oh-no! I'M COMING FOR YA' MIKE!
- The reason Crow was convinced by Servo to do this in the first place:
- When Crow finally succeeds in keeping Mike off of the Satellite, it results in his older brother Eddie being on the satellite instead. Eddie turns out to be a total Jerk Ass, making Servo his cowardly yes-man and personal ashtray.
Eddie: Did this guy just say our reality sucks?
- Eddie smacks both Crow and Servo around if they make riffs involving puns.
- At one point during the movie, Eddie gets up and walks over to the other side of the theater to smoke.
The Chairman: Fingal, YOOOOU AAAARE MIIIIINE!!Crow: ...With Béarnaise sauce!!
- One unfortunate close-up of The Chairman.
Mike: The most face any screen has ever held!
902: The Phantom Planet
- When the protagonist starts getting echoing audio flashbacks, Mike and the 'bots decide to join the fun:
Servo: Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...Mike: Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...Crow: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ainMike: Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...Crow: I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...Servo: You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
- Pumaman, he flies like a moron...
- "Help I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
- "You... You... Non-British guy!"
- The shout of "Pumaman!" as Tony plays dead, trying hard to ignore the large bug crawling on his ear.
- "Take that, members of Boston!"
- After witnessing Puma Man fly for the time, "Why don't you give me that belt back; I'm gonna give it to someone else."
- The whole 'fly blackmail' bit is one of my all-time favorite quips.
- Crow: N-no, not THAT kind of "go"!
- "Behold, Coatimundi Man is born!"
- "Oh no, they're gonna start Tango-ing!"
- This exchange:
Jane: But this is proof of outer space presence in our history!
Crow: You said that about waffles.
- The opening sketch has Mike trying to escape the Satellite of Love down a long ladder, with vague promises to Tom and Crow to bring them down as well that he likely has no plans to carry out. The Bots exact revenge by having Mike climb down into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are eating breakfast. The fact that Team Forrester barely even acknowledge Mike while forcing him to beat a hasty retreat makes the scene doubly funny.
Mike: (over radio to Bots) I am opening a hatch of some sort and am dropping the ladder in. (does so) I will enter the actual structure now, which appears to be a barn of some sort, or... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my where- (takes in the sight of the breakfasting Pearl, Bobo, and Observer) whereabouts...
Pearl: (without looking up from the back of her box of Crunch Berries) Brain Guy.
Observer: (without looking up from the back of his box of French Toast Crunch) Yeah. (psychokinetically summons a cannon and points it at Mike)
Mike: Ahh! Okay, I'll get back up and watch my movie... ah, which is, uh, what again?...
Pearl: (still reading the back of her cereal box) Werewolf.
Mike: Werewolf, right. Uh... Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you?
Observer: (still reading the back of his cereal box) No.
Mike: No, didn't think so, just checking, I'll... get back up and watch my... (hastily climbs back up the ladder)
- "The very model of a modern man-made werewolf."
- screen shows "WEREWOLF" "I don't know, you had him last!"
- "An American werewolf in traffic."
- The general aggravation at The Untwist ending.
Servo: Come on, dead people know what's going to happen!Crow: (after a clattering noise is heard onscreen) That was the director giving up and leaving.
- The credits sequence, with Mike and the bots doing a medley to the generic Native American drumming on the soundtrack. TUSK!
- "Sure, she seems depressing now, but you should see her when she starts playin' her banjo!"
- The opening sequence with the band.
Crow: Eeeeeeeeiiiighht miiiilllless WRONG!"Mike: There's me, 1982.Tom Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go straight to the heroin.
- Any of the references to Vicki's flaming towel.
- All the bitter exchanges between Hargrove and his chainsmoking wife:
Crow: *sighs* Has the hate gone out of our marriage?
- When Vicki dreams about the dog's death:
Servo: "Avenge me! Ruff!"
- Vicki shows Manfred the photos she took of Hargrove's documents:
Hargrove: (developing the film) "There we are..."Servo: "Excellent pictures of YOUR THUMB, thank you very much!"
- The bowler-hatted guy at the end:
Mike: "Hello, I'm here for the movie, am I late?"
- From The Space Children: When the soldiers are running offscreen into an underground bunker:
Crow: (as soldier) Does anyone know what's down here?All: (scream in pain and fear)
- "Paint my muscle car PRUNE color, please!"
- "It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!"
- After the goblins escape from teh vault
McCreedy: Those creatures... The vault... I tried...Crow : Sentence fragments. Just phrases.
- Tom's interpretation of the incomprehensible lyrics to the song from the club scene.
Singer: (Incomprehensible)Tom: Let me tell you about our drink special tonight!Singer: (Incomprehensible)Tom: Don't park in the alley or you'll get towed!Singer: (Incomprehensible)Tom: While I'm up here let me point out the restrooms!
- The commentary for the gardening tool fight.
Mike: I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.Crow: THROW SOME MIRACLE-GRO IN HIS EYES!
- The guys' reaction to the nerdy kid's dream girl.
Crow: Aaaughh! Robert Plant!Mike: "That's EXACTLY what I want to look like."Tom: I don't really need to see every part of the human body outlined in spandex! I can trust it's all there!
- At the end of film, after the vault has been blown up:
McCreedy: There's been an accident at the studio.Crow: We made Hobgoblins.
- The part where Mike and the Bots pretty much give up trying to watch the film and bring out pre-recorded cardboard cutouts to riff for them:
Mike Cutout: Here's this guy. What's he up to?Tom Cutout: Boy, this is stupid!Mike Cutout: I wouldn't do that! Would you?Crow Cutout: No.
- "Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and The Claw!"
- The gang riffing on the characters' lack of reaction when Nick is seemingly incinerated right in front of them:
Mike: Aw, come on, Nick... oh yeah, he burned to death. Oh well.Crow: Nick's a smoking husk right now. He won't mind if we use his van.
- Crow's documentary about whether or not women exist. At one point it shows a clip of Mike, happily eating a sandwich, saying he was the closest thing they found but experts say he's not a woman.
- The sea shanty: "They got into port and everyone was okay / They went out to lunch and felt better!"
- Even funnier if you know the song Crow's parodying, Gordon Lightfoot's "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald".
- The Intro segment (shown before the movie) has Observer trying to beat Bobo in arm-wrestling. It...doesn't end too well for him, as Bobo easily beats him with a bored expression.
- This is especially funny if you realize Pipper sounds very similar to Steve Smith. It takes until almost the end of the episode for the crew to make the reference, but they finally do with "And remember: If women don't find you handsome, at least they'll find you handy."
- Hell, anything they said during the Pipper sequence. The man sounded like a real-life Yosemite Sam, goldang it!
"If it's any consolation, I hates that rabbit, too..."
- Pipper's explanation of Ziox culture, with Servo's interjections.
Mike Pipper: Now, thousands of years ago...
Tom Servo: Uh-huh?
Mike Pipper: ... long before the Indians...
Tom Servo: Yeah?
Mike Pipper: ... this land was inhabited by the Ziox.
Tom Servo: No, it wasn't.
Mike Pipper: They were a highly intelligent race...
Tom Servo: Nu-uh.
Mike Pipper: ... far advanced in science, and architecture, and literature...
Tom Servo: No, they weren't.
Mike Pipper: ... they built a huge city...
Tom Servo: No, they didn't.
- Hell, anything they said during the Pipper sequence. The man sounded like a real-life Yosemite Sam, goldang it!
- All of the Larry Csonka jokes, but particularly this one, as the camera focuses on the framed photo of the character who looks like him:
- Tom: MVP, Super Bowl VIII, for Miami.
- (after Rowsdower escapes the villains and catches his breath) "Hold on, I'm having a series of elaborate heart attacks."
- (after Rowsdower wakes up screaming from a nightmare) Mike: "I forgot the liquor store closes at 8:00!!!!!"
- The Canada song, gleefully Crossing The Line Twice.
- A close-up of one of the cult statues with its mouth open leads Tom to riff: "Mammy! Ehhhh."
- Devil Fish: "That's six degrees off the port beer, I mean, bow."
Mike: Sorry about the electricians crack. My father's village was attacked by electricians.
- The Gumby short "Robot Rumpus" features some razor sharp riffing from Mike and his own robots. "It's my seventh day without food or water, have mercy!"
- "That squares my breasts!"
- "Thank goodness for the internal genitalia!"
- "When did you start having these feeling that you were a Commissioner?"
- In one host segment, Tom and Crow decide to play a prank on Mike by spraying Crow's head white, removing his eyes, and putting fake teeth in his mouth to make him look like a skull. Mike's OTT reaction is priceless: he screams non-stop while attacking Crow with a bag of chips, then a baseball bat, then a golf club (after taking a few moments to select the right club). A terrified Crow and Tom get through to him for just a moment to explain the joke, but when Crow demonstrates his scream with a half-hearted "Rahh," Mike begins screaming and attacking him again - and this time, he knocks off Tom's dome for good measure.
- Even better, the original showings on The Sci-Fi Channel aired a small bug for Volkswagen right at the tail end of that sketch. Their slogan at the time? "Drivers wanted."
- "Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me."
- The Spy Speak:
It's a nice day if it doesn't rain.
It's always a nice day if it doesn't rain.
If the sun isn't too warm.
Mike:(As Tee) So you're a Delta Knight too, huh?
- The Bots warming up to Pearl.
Crow: Mint-giver, we love you!
- Confronted by an unidentified ship shadowing the SoL, Mike must take charge. Unfortunately, he confuses it with the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Mike: Alright, I'm in command. Good, uh... put alien ship on viewscreen. (ship appears on screen). There!Servo: Uh, yeah, I think we'll need a little something more Mike, life support is still failing and all.Mike: Okay, uh, increase magnification!Crow: Um, Mike, we actually don't have-Mike: (oblivious) Alright, just a little bit more, good. Alright. Uh... shields up.Crow and Servo: (confused) Shields?Mike: Arm photon torpedoes.Servo: Mike, we only had that one photon torpedo, but Crow set it off in your locker if you'll remember.Mike: Well then... close hexfield. (viewscreen shorts out) ...There. I've broken the hexfield. Carry on, I'll be in my ready room. (flees)
- Crow losing his contact lens just when Natalie was undressing. Crow comes back too late, and Tom mercilessly taunts him.
Crow: Aw, hell. A ROBE?! What the hell?!Tom: I saw it! I saw everything!Crow: Shut up, Servo!
- And during that bit:
Crow: Did you say she's turning around?Tom: No, I said, "She's spurning a clown!"Crow: Well, I like that, too!
- "EEEWW! That took my soul, right there!"
- The return of Joel and TV's Frank gives us this:
TV's Frank: I know! Let's play ring toss with your soul!
- This bit, where they make fun of Joe Estevez's voice:
The Man: So that's your decision, then?
Mike: So shat's your deshishen, shen?
- After a car crash in the movie;
Crow: I hope we were thrown violently out of the movie.
- The host segment where Mike spoofs Critter's wimpy singing and guitar playing while Crow is in the dreamy image above trying to tell him about a fire on the SOL. And the best part? Mike is a far better singer than Critter is.
- Joanie shrieks for everyone to "GET OUT!!" and Crow quickly tries to leave the theater in response.
- "Remember to believe in magic...or I'll kill you."
- "Ride, Shadowfax, ride!" when Merlin disappears when someone he was talking to turns around to look at him again.
- When the film suddenly cuts to the animated short Balloon Land with the short's villain laughing maniacally, Servo casually states "Okay. Now we're in hell."
- When one of the characters, who had previously made a big deal about how he can destroy stores with his reviews, is trying to find a spirit he summoned, Mike chimes in with "Come out or I'll review you".
- Crow's riff of "All. His. Pants. Are low-riders."
"This place is a maze!"Crow: We call it a corn.
- "It's Super Pope!"
- "Yo. Let's pick wildflowers."
- During the final battle scene: "I open my mouth at you!"
- After the title "Special appearance by Mel Novak" appears: "It'd be more special if we knew who the hell he was!"
- All the jokes about the guy wearing the beret being in the French Revolution, especially "Vive le resistance!" and humming the French national anthem.
- As the camera pans up a character... "Ladies and gentlemen, FRED BURROWS."
- Crow: "OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it."
- "He was trained by Bruce Lee... bowitz."
- As one of the dinosaurs dies:
Servo: "I came to warn you...an asteroid!"
- Crow's thoughts on Maltese men.
- Mike trips. Again. And again. And again.
- The final time, they mean the other definition of tripping.
Servo: Oop. Mike's tripping.Crow: I'll say.
- The final time, they mean the other definition of tripping.
- "Cut his throat in a church!"
- Servo: "I guess there's no chance there'll be a jet-ski chase in this movie, is there?"
- The rough cutnote , where between filming we get to hear Mike, Kevin, and Bill discussing A Case of Spring Fever and coming up with ever more filthy names for Coily like Fecey, B Mey, Stooly, Peanut-Studded Loggy, and of course Shitty.
- "Fucking squeak". Followed by Kevin chewing Bill out for ruining a perfectly good take, and Bill melodramatically declaring "Cut it if you must, I had to!"
- In-movie a tree crashes through a Southern home at dinnertime:
Crow: Save the chicken-fried collard greens!
- This memorable line from A Case of Spring Fever:
(during Gilbert's long rant) Crow: Look, God has a spring.
Gilbert: "There are springs in mousetraps, guns..."Servo: "Guns, huh?"
- Just before that:
Coily: "Alright, mister! I'll see to it that you get that wish!"Crow: "In Hell!"
- When Gilbert makes his fateful wish:
- The host segment that starts out with Mike trying an experiment on a worm. He ends up frying it, then pulls out a bowl filled with a bunch of other fried worms.
Mike: He died like all the others!
- The first shot of Diabolik:
Mike: Starring this Muslim woman!
Doctor: Take her to the Infrared Room.
Bots: Infrared what?
[cut to shot of half-naked woman]
Crow: ...Mike, I beg you to get us an Infrared Room RIGHT NOW.
Mike: EXTREEEEEME Organized Crime!!
Prime Minister:...the socially sick elements of our society.
Servo: Yeah, look who's talking!"
- There was also a rough cut of the episode in which—unbeknownst to the show's three stars—the show's producers edited in several clips from previously shown movies, including: "STAAAAY!!!," "Wurrwulf?," "Mom... 'm I nuts?," "Rowsdower," and "Creeper, creeper, creeper... you give me the creeps!"
- This outtake from the Little Golden Statue Preview Special:
Servo: (Interrupting Crow) Cray—...Uh, "Cray"? ...Crow.
Crow: ...Well, thank you for the compliment, but I'm hardly a Cray... (Chuckles) More of a PC...
Servo: Shut up.
- This very simple but hilarious outtake.
- Pretty much any of the many outtakes where the 'bots fall apart (they usually stay in character and freak out), but especially one memorable incident where Crow's eyes came loose and rolled around so that the pupils were hidden:
Crow: "I'M BLIND!"
- On another occasion, Crow's net falls off. Crow just looks at it and gives a completely deadpan "What the fuck?"
- In the production copy of one episode, the 3 are standing around in the studio for a water break between movie scenes. After Kevin makes a remark that bottled water is probably less safe to drink than tap water (due to a lack of regulation on bottled water), Mike starts listing the ingredients of bottled water...only it's the ingredients of the infamous soup in Track of the Moon Beast, said in that same monotone. Kevin is trying so hard not to crack up that all he can let out between the snickers is a quick "Look..that..just..fuck you" before completely breaking down.
- The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide has quite a few funny observations from the writers:
Paul Chaplin: The farm family in Teen-Age Crime Wave' is a little weird. We learn that Ma and Pa were married in 1910, but Ben, their only child, wasn't born until 1927. They seem like a reserved couple, but come on! All I can figure is they were Yankee fans, and their favorite team's stupendous performance that year (the '27 Yankees are considered the best ever) sent them howling into their one and only frenzy of desire... hold on. Assuming their passion peaked during the World Series, Ben wouldn't have been born until mid-1928. So it must have been something else.
- Teen-Age Crime Wave:
- In the Q&A section, one person asked, "What are each of the stars' favorite movies or books?" The response was, "Their favorite movie is It's Pat!. Their favorite book is The Making of It's Pat."
- Paul Chaplin mentions in one of the episode recaps that he's been to Istanbul, and says he'll probably bring it up again before the book's over. Sure enough, he says "I've been to Istanbul" in unrelated contexts a few more times throughout the book.
*credits end* Idiot Control Now! Hideous control now! Ninny on the road now! Minnie in control, wheels on fire, burnin' rubber tires...note