Recap / Mystery Science Theater 3000 S 05 E 03 Swamp Diamonds

Films watched: What To Do On A Date (short) and Swamp Women aka Swamp Diamonds

Joel and the bots were less than impressed with Connors' pseudonym "Touch," which was his nickname when he played NCAA basketball.

What To Do On A Date is a 1950s educational short which attempted to teach...socially awkward teens of the time activites they could invite girls on dates to: exciting events like swim meets, weenie roasts and "scavenger sales."

The host segments provide examples of:

The MST3K treatment of Swamp Diamonds provides examples of:

  • Cat Fight: While the female fight scenes were almost certainly made with this in mind, Crow and Servo definitely play along with it in their commentary.
    Crow: You usually see this kind of stuff on pay-per-view!
  • Getting Crap Past the Radar: "Beverly sure can handle a Johnson!"
    • also, "ooh, you're kneeling on the little Touch!"
  • The Long List: All the names "Touch" Connors might have taken:
    Thrust, Jab, Fudge, Crunch, Blast, Smidge, Shout, Batch, Scrod, Flake, Wink, Sploot, Pinch, Probe, Wing, Snake, Jab [again?], Grunt, Flink, Branch, Snake [again!] Pitch, Pat, Hal, Snake [yet AGAIN!], Snack, Slap
    • In the Rough Cut, the crew adds more, sometimes saltier, names for him.
      Fritz, Poop, Splayed, Tucchus, Putz, Klutz
  • Running Gag:
    • Referencing Phil Harris, Curt Gowdy, The Gun In Betty Lous Handbag, etc.
    • Servo's narration during the many, many tracking shots of the swamp from the boat: "As we left the clam flowage that day..."
  • Sophisticated as Hell: Invoked by Servo at Vera's Even Evil Has Standards moment:
    Vera: Nice kid! Sell her man right down the river!
    Servo (in bad Joisey accent): Yeah, some women have no class!
  • Spot the Impostor: When the girls are saying what they plan for the future, Servo has Lee say, "Well, I hope to make Detective... oops!"

The MST3K treatment of What To Do On A Date provides examples of:

  • Big "NO!": The main character, Nick, is looking at a list of events he could take Kay to on a date:
    Narrator: "Would Kay enjoy a bike trip?" [switch to a close-up of the list] "Or a weenie roast?"
    Joel, Crow, and Servo: "Nick, NO!"