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The testing logs for SCP-914 are by far the most extensive on the entire SCP Foundation wiki, so naturally, there are a lot of hilarious moments with the Clockworks… especially since it seems to be screwing with the people testing it on purpose.

Because of the sheer number of entries, all tests on this page will be identified with and sorted by their test number, as shown in the experiment logs on the SCP Wiki.

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  • The researcher behind this one should be thankful that it didn't turn out worse:
    Items Used: One (1) block of concrete, 12x one (1) foot lengths of steel rebar, One (1) can of Krylon brand spray paint, One (1) picture of SCP-173

    Input: Contents stated above
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Thirty (30) miniature replicas of SCP-173, all animate and extremely cute hostilenote . They cannot move within direct line of sight. Objects are reported to attack by bumping into the legs of personnel and are extremely resistant to being moved.
  • Fun with alcohol.
    Name: Agent Smithers
    Date: 8/19/████
    Total Items: Two (2) bottles of mass-produced supermarket beer and two (2) bottles of microbrewed, hand-crafted beer.

    Input: One (1) bottle of high-quality beer.
    Setting: Very fine.
    Output: A small glass orb filled with a glowing gas. Mass is identical to the beer bottle. Later testing revealed that physical contact with the orb produces an inspirational effect on the subject. D-8742, upon contact with the object, requested a sheet of paper, which he folded into a paper [DATA EXPUNGED].
    Update: It's been five months since D-8742's termination, and that thing is still in the air. Possible SCP classification?
  • A little bit of Fridge Humour: If you put a copy of ET The Extraterrestrial in 914, and set it to Fine, it returns a boxed copy. As in, it's better as a collector's item or shelf decoration than as a game.

    Experiment Logs 0100- 0199 
  • Test #  SCP-914 does not appreciate tax forms.
    Input: 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "Morgoth".

    Input: 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: An anachronistic IRS Form "MXL"note  filled out by Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus.
  • Test #  This bit is an amusing piece of Mundane Utility... well, "utility" might not be the right word:
    "Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." Note 1  Note 2 
  • Test #  Fun with art:
    Input: One (1) print of [Les trahison des images by René Marguite]
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A blank piece of paper with the memetic property of inducing observers to believe that it is a pipe. The paper was accidentally destroyed by Dr. C███████ who placed it in his mouth and set it on fire. Dr. C███████ was treated for minor burns to his face but was otherwise not injured.
  • SCP-914 is not a fast food station:
    Test 914-0116
    Name: Dr. ██████
    Date: ██/██/20██
    Total Items: Three (3) sheets of 8.5x11 in printing paper with varying instructions

    Input: A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A single sheet of 8.5x11 in paper, with the words “I would like a Whopper. No Ketchup, No Mustard. Small order of onion rings, and a medium Coke”

    Input: A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A stack of US counterfeit currency, composed of standard paper and printed with #2 pencil lead. The currency totals to the exact cost of the requested order, plus tax.

    Input: A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A single sheet of 8.5x11 in paper, with a series of symbols inscribed upon it which do not correspond to any known system of writing. Subjects viewing the symbols describe a sudden and intense desire for a cheeseburger.
  • Test #  Having already made SCP-437 in an earlier test, SCP-914 once again proves itself capable of producing SCP-classifiable items:
    Input: 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is, however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties, and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.note 
  • Test #  Applying 1:1 to the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 results in... a grenade.
    Note from Dr. Sutherland: I did this out of curiosity and because I wanted to prevent my phone from exploding in my pocket. Apparently SCP-914 has a sense of humor, and keeps up with current events.
  • Test #  This one is hilarious:
    Input: One pound of █████ brand bacon. Fully cooked. One photograph of SCP-682.
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: One miniature replica of SCP-682, approximately five inches tall at the shoulder, made entirely out of cooked █████ brand bacon. Entity is fully animate and extremely hostile toward all life forms. It escaped containment, attempting to kill all staff present. It was unable to inflict any damage due to its small size and the materials used in its composition. Entity made a “sizzling” sound as it moved that several staff described as “pleasing to the ears.” Classification of entity as SCP-682-BAC denied.
    Note: Very funny, Dr. Curtis. You are suspended from testing SCP-914 until further notice. Though I have to admit, it smelled delicious. -Dr. Gears note 
  • Test #  After 914 produces a legitimately-fortune-telling Magic 8-Ball, one of the doctors decides to consult it:
    Note: I asked it if I would have any girlfriends for the next two years. The answer is more depressing than I thought. - Dr. Wittig
  • Test #  Putting a stress ball in SCP-914 turns out to be a terrible idea:
    Input: One (1) of the above-mentioned "stress balls"
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An unaltered stress ball. A stress ball that, at random intervals between a minute and five minutes in length, hurls itself at the face of the person in closest proximity to it. If the face is covered or otherwise protected, it will alternatively aim for the stomach or crotch. Object secured and destroyed.
    Note: I'm guessing it took the idea of a "stress" ball very literally. Ouch. - Dr. Hadian
  • Test #  Apparently, 914 hates crosswords, despite its questionable sentience:
    Input: An unsolved crossword puzzle
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A brief typed letter requesting the meanings of various short phrases. Examination shows that they line up with the "clues" given in the crossword.

    Input: An unsolved crossword puzzle
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A crumpled-up piece of paper. The output was launched at high velocity and trailed smoke.
    Note: Yeah, I never really liked those things, either.
  • Test #  After a speaker turns into something that loudly (300db, more than enough to deafen people!) blasts whatever the person has in mind:
    Note: I can't believe the last thing I ever heard was Barry Manilow. We couldn't have found a D-Class with better music taste? -Dr. Maguire
  • Test #  SCP-914 + Skateboard Wheels = Bad Idea:
    Input: One (1) wheel (green)
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One (1) bearing, suspended by an invisible outer wheel of unknown material. Although invisible, the outer wheel physically exists and appears to use higher-dimensional translations to redirect the force of gravity and propel the object forward at at about half the speed of free fall. The wheel can be easily stopped at low speeds, but gains momentum quickly while unhindered. Prospective researchers should note that under the influence of gravity, the wheel will always retain a 1/4mg horizontal force, even while at rest.

    Note 1: And they say you can't reinvent the wheel. - Dr. Collins
    Note 2: Following the collision of a Class-D personnel with Dr. ████ at ██ mph, all human testing has been suspended until Dr. ████ can come up with a procedure that isn't idiotic.
  • Poor, poor Dr. Mason; just when he thinks he’s made a breakthrough… well, just read for yourself.
    Test 914-0159
    Name: Dr. Mason
    Date: 07/06/2017
    Total Items: Five (5) realtime location beacons, standard Foundation issue.
    Note: The area above and around SCP-914 was set with receivers before this test. In this test, all directional notation is relative to the central "Intake" and "Output" booths, i.e., a subject standing at the mainspring is facing "North".

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Small amounts of various scrap metals and other composite materials of tracking beacons.
    Path: Within the first 0.15 seconds, the signal was traced to move 3.41 meters "North" before turning exactly ninety one (91) degrees. Signal was lost after another 0.3 meters.

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One (1) tracking beacon, with battery and transceiver unit removed. No other visible damage.
    Path: While again initially traveling "North" for 3.41 meters, the tracking device remained functional for almost twice the amount of time as the first trial. This path appeared to follow the outer edges of the rectangular main body of SCP 914 before the signal was lost.
    Note: I wonder if there are set paths that each setting follows. - Dr. Mason

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One (1) unlabeled tracking beacon consistent with those used by Canadian counterterrorism groups.
    Path: "North" for 3.41 meters. Signal then moves towards one of the "Southwestern" outer segments of SCP-914, where it repeatedly follows an equilateral triangle for 0.13 seconds before losing signal. Analysis of received signals shows a new signal retracing a path back to the booths.
    Note: Seriously, though. What is that first bit Northward for? I've checked the recordings, it does that in every test. Every. Single. One. - Dr. Mason

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One (1) apparent tracking beacon, components consistent with Foundation-specific requirements. Tracking beacon is smaller than standard, with certain unknown components. Testing revealed it to be fully operational, although signal was lost mid-test, as the output ran a different operating system.
    Path: "North" for 3.63 meters. "South-southeast" for 0.7 meters. Accelerates in the opposite direction for four (4) meters before signal cutoff.
    Note: So, I was talking to a colleague about my testing, and they said that the Fine output sounded familiar. Turns out the smaller beacon and the new OS are both prototypes right now. Guess we end up using them. - Dr. Mason

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One (1) thin strip of translucent film, shown to be attachable with static cling. Discovered to be remarkably resilient for its size when D-1126 tore a fingernail pulling it off of the wall of the Output Booth. Currently unreadable.
    Path: "North" for 3.41 meters. Subsequently appears to reach all parts of SCP-914, although high speeds prevented receivers from accurately tracking the path.
    Note 1: Well, that was disappointing. At least I got a strip of fancy tape. Hopefully I'll be able to get something out of the prior results. - Dr. Mason
    Note 2: So, turns out if you let that tape stick itself to your hand, you can draw the paths of whatever it recorded. You also draw a legend, and what appears to be a menu screen. I'm going to try to get this put onto a D-Class to preserve my wrists. - Dr. Mason
    Note 3: Wow. So, not only did the new tracker record its own movements, it somehow recorded ALL of the movements. Of EVERYTHING that 914 has worked on over the last 3 months. I think I've finally gotten 914 to work with us, albeit with a lot of analysis involved. This is amazing. - Dr. Mason
    Note 4: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. I thought it would make sense for ONCE. But no, it had to be messing with us again. One of my interns - sorry, Junior Researchers - found out that, if you superimpose all the paths from the tracker, you get a 3D image of the Foundation logo. It's pretty for art drawn in GPS, but it still makes this whole project meaningless. Piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] doesn't follow set paths. It does whatever it wants. - Dr. Mason
    Note 5: Dr. Mason has been placed on psychological leave due to apparent stress. Junior Researcher Chen has taken over. Analysis of the object paths taken will continue. - O5 Command
  • Test #  Dr. Hertz put in a CD of his own self-recorded guitar music set to Very Fine. The machine returned a CD with silent tracks and copies of books for beginner's singing, songwriting, and guitar playing. Dr. Hertz did not take kindly to the implication of being a Dreadful Musician and had to be dragged out when he attacked the machine.
  • Test #  An attempt to analyze a computer virus known as "Creeper" doesn't go as planned.
    Input: Creeper source code on USB drive.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A metallic figure, green in color and vaguely phallic. The object self-destructed upon being removed from SCP-914, in a manner comparable to a commercial firework. The remains have shown no anomalous properties.
    Note: Well, that was anticlimactic. - Dr. Manheim
  • SCP-914 doesn't think highly of Nazis.
    Test 914-0189
    Name: Researcher M. Inselmann
    Date: 04/12/2018
    Total Items: Three copies of 'Mein Kampf,' by Adolf Hitler. Text in the original German.

    Input: A copy of Mein Kampf
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A book titled 'How to Make Friends, Influence People, and then Murder Them,' subtitled 'How to be a Dickhead for Dummies.' Text mostly consists of hyperbolic German profanity.

    Input: A copy of Mein Kampf
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A pile of ashes.

    Input: A copy of Mein Kampf
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: An animate 45-centimeter tall origami caricature of Adolf Hitler. Object does not appear to be sapient, but is able to vocalize a non-stop stream of threats and boasts. Voice confirmed to be that of the original Adolf Hitler. Object also noted to often clumsily fall over or bump into walls while goose-stepping about. Object is harmless, and mildly regenerative (the origami will refold if disrupted), and can be kicked by researchers as a form of stress management at their discretion.
    Note: Outside of the testing area, please. I should not need to specify that. - Dr. Veritas
  • Test #  SCP-914 manages to produce the one thing SCP-999 doesn't like:
    Input: 500mL sample of SCP-999
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A small, spherical blob of translucent, azure-colored slime roughly 12cm in diameter, with a strong garlic-like odor. Found to be mobile and sentient, and capable of making gurgling, chirping vocalizations similar to SCP-999 but at a much deeper pitch. The entity, designated "E-999-A", was immediately hostile to all staff, attempting to either leap upon researchers' faces or "headbutt" their shins via rolling across the floor at high speed, though its small size and mass prevented it from doing more than mild bruising.
    E-999-A was eventually contained and presented to SCP-999, with the assumption that this was its "offspring", and that SCP-999 could teach it to become more docile. SCP-999 instead reacted with immediate hostility, attacking E-999-A with its pseudopods while E-999-A rolled around SCP-999, emitting loud "growling" and "snarling" noises while dodging. SCP-999 finally eliminated E-999-A roughly two minutes later via engulfing it with two pseudopods, rapidly dissolving E-999-A inside its body similar to how SCP-999 digests its meals.
    No change in SCP-999's color or demeanor following the incident has been noted, however, it is the first and thus far only time that SCP-999 has ever reacted to anything with hostility or violence. Further research involving SCP-999's slime is temporarily suspended save for researchers with at least Level 3 clearance, and any experiments involving SCP-999 and SCP-914 are completely prohibited. Mentioning E-999-A to SCP-999 results in it immediately "ignoring" whoever speaks to it, often by wandering off to play with a nearby object or person.
    Note: Prof. Snider is currently facing disciplinary action due to violation of biological safety protocol. The next one I catch is losing their clearance indefinitely. - Dr. Veritas.
  • Fun with credit fraud:
    Test 914-0199
    Name: Dr. Naismith
    Date: 18/04/2018
    Total Items: One credit card and one piece of paper.

    Input: Dr. Naismith’s credit card
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A similar credit card covered with a series of unidentified corporate insignias and the phrase “RANK-ALEPH INFINITE MONEY PRIVILEGES.”
    Dr. Naismith, I didn’t think I need to remind you that SCP-914 is not to be used for personal financial gain, but it seems I was wrong. Consider this an official warning. -Dr. Coltrane

    Input: A printout of the above note from Dr. Coltrane
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A printout of a note reading “Dr. Naismith, I didn’t even think of using SCP-914 for personal financial gain, but that seems like a solid idea. Consider this official permission to reap the fruits of your labor. -O5-11”
    Note: Guess I have no choice but to keep the new card. I have written permission on file if anyone has any questions. -Dr. Naismith

    Experiment Logs 0200- 0299 
  • Test #  Testing lightbulbs eventually leads to this:
    Input: One incandescent light bulb.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One anthropomorphic humanoid light bulb. Object vocalized to staff in English with a slight German accent. Claimed to be Thomas Edison who is (erroneously) credited with inventing the first light bulb.

    "This thing will not stop talking about its "grand scientific achievements" to everyone it meets. Request to gain as much information as possible about its existence and smash it with a sledgehammer?" - Researcher Blais
    "Just incinerate it, Blais." - Dr. Veritas
  • Test #  Transmuting old keys eventually leads to a surprise. And by "a surprise", we mean "ready-made identity fraud".
    Input: The former access key to the janitors' closet
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: One metal credit card, VISA #4███████████████8, belonging to JP. B████ the CEO of Amazon.
    Note: I guess money can buy you access. - Kurt
    Note: You're not keeping that. - Chief Security Officer Wright
  • Even on the lower settings, putting sunglasses through SCP-914 has weird results:
    Test 914-0217
    Name: Researcher Blais
    Date: 05/05/2018
    Total Items: Two pairs of standard UV protection sunglasses.

    Input: One pair of sunglasses.
    Setting: Rough.
    Output: One tinted pane of glass Dimensions 50x50x3 mm. When pointed at a light and looked through, the pane generates extreme hallucinations from the light source. Such hallucinations have included "dragons and smoke monsters" to "birds with blue flaming wings and horns like a goat". Hallucinations vary from subject to subject and seem to have no correlation to the viewer's mental state or personality. When the pane is turned away from the source, the hallucinations immediately cease and "reset" until turned back to the light.
    Note: Multiple D-class subjects have reported seeing a "Deer with enormous antlers and crazy floating orbs" when looking through the pane of glass. Investigation into a possible connection to SCP-2845 is underway.

    Input: One pair of sunglasses.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One pair of aviator style sunglasses with mirrored lenses. Memetic effects occur when a person views another individual wearing the sunglasses. Subjects will exclaim and persist that the glasses are the most “extremely stylish” and “hip” they have ever seen. Further testing is in order.
    Note: Definitely the most sexy pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen in my life. I have to keep them if I’m ever going to get a date. - Researcher Blais
    Note: Sure Blais, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain. I stored it in the anomalous item wing for study. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you. - Dr. Veritas
  • Test #  Experimenting with tabletop games eventually takes a turn into pseudo-VR disaster:
    Input: 1 character sheet for the tabletop roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons, 3.5th Edition, filled out by Researcher Thompson.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A sheet of paper promoting the non-existent tabletop roleplaying game Fear in the Foundation, 1st Edition. The paper repeatedly makes claims about the fun factor of the game but gives little information as to its actual content. Upon reading the entirety of the paper, subjects undergo an out-of-body experience in which they perceive themselves to exist in the game world. Based on subject’s reports, elements of the game are taken from several different tabletop roleplaying games. The game is also noted to contain several Foundation and SCP-related characters, items, and locations. Subjects will exit this state upon either dying in the game, or defeating the final villain.

    Note: "I gave this a try, and ended up seeing SCP-096's face after rolling a 1 on stealth. If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, I've blown my brains out." -Researcher Jacobson
    Note: "Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to 'Fear in the Foundation' now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards." —O5-6
  • More fun with Mundane Utility:
    Test 914-0221
    Name: Dr. Hazard
    Date: 23/05/2018
    Total Items: One AP Calculus textbook

    Input: One AP Calculus textbook
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Large shreds of paper and plastic in a pile

    Note: What? Don’t look at me like that, school’s over. - Dr. Hazard
    Note: Hazard, if I catch you using 914 as your personal paper shredder again, I'm reassigning you to Site-██. Yes, the one in Antarctica. - Dr. Veritas
  • SCP-914 does not want to make any contact with SCP-882. In fact, it doesn't even want to be reminded that it exists. Why is SCP- 914 afraid? 
    Test 914-0232
    Name: Dr. Stern
    Date: 08/06/2018
    Total Items: Four A4 printed photographs of SCP-882

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One 200x148mm piece of paper in the shape of a zero or letter O. One similarly-sized piece of paper in the shape of a capital letter N or Z. Several hundred 5-10mm triangular scraps of paper. One small puddle of brownish ink.

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One A4 sheet of paper, printed with the word "NO" in 83 different languages, taking up approximately one-half of the page. The rest of the page was occupied by angular pictograms arranged seemingly at random, which were reported as producing "a feeling of trepidation and discomfort". Subsequent investigation revealed these symbols to be a minor cognitohazard, and the sheet of paper was put into containment.

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One inked origami model of a human in a kneeling position, hands raised to its head. When picked up, the model abruptly unfolded, giving Dr. Stern a shallow cut across the tips of three fingers and the thumb. The unfolded model resembled a human body torn into four pieces.

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Although planned, this test was cancelled on request from Dr. Stern.
  • An ill-advised test causes Dr. Veritas' blood pressure to spike.
    Test 914-0236
    Name: Researcher Jed
    Date: 30/06/2018
    Total Items: One gear from SCP-914

    Input: One gear from SCP-914
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Failed to operate. Gear destroyed. A replica was made and is currently being installed.
    Note: A vote by the O5 suspended Researcher Jed from testing for one year. SCP repaired as of 07/05/2018.

    Note: He did what?! - Dr. Veritas
    Notice: In an effort to preserve SCP-914's structural integrity, and for the sake of Dr. Veritas' blood pressure, I strongly caution against personnel using its own parts in testing. Thank you. - Dr. Gears.
  • The stupidity continues immediately.
    Test 914-0237
    Name: Researcher Wood.
    Date: 07/05/2018
    Total Items: One vial of corrosive slime recovered from SCP-106's containment chamber.

    Input: One aforementioned vial.
    Setting: Very Fine.
    Output: Before the refining process could begin, the test was interrupted by security personnel and Researcher Wood was restrained. The vial of SCP-106's slime was disposed of.

    Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion, but for Christ's sake, use common sense. I swear, when I find Wood, I'm going to [REDACTED]. Dr. Smith.
    Note: Due to his failure to follow basic guidelines, as well as to preserve his own safety, Researcher Wood has been transferred off-site.
  • SCP-914 is not a beautician. Or, at least, it shouldn't be one.note 
    Test 914-0240
    Name: Junior Researcher Summers
    Date: 23/07/2018
    Total Items: Junior Researcher Summers

    Input: Junior Researcher Summers
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Junior Researcher Summers, with noticeably clearer skin, longer hair and a better figure. She was very disoriented, but otherwise unharmed. Junior Researcher Summers was apprehended upon output.

    Note: She told us she just wanted to try with her hair clip. By the time we realized what she was actually doing, it was too late to stop her. Needless to say, she's since been terminated, and I hope I don't need to tell you all to not do it again. - Dr. Veritasnote 
  • Test #  Dr. Veritas tests the replacement gear by processing some thermometers. The final test is… interesting.
    Input: One digital thermometer.
    Setting: Very fine.
    Output: An intricate instrument with several digital dials that change when exposed to different temperatures and directions. One of the dials seemingly moves without purpose. The symbols do not correspond to any known mathematical object to count or measure.

    Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of Mercury. Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers. Hilarious. After four years of working with the damned thing, it's still taunting me. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find. - Veritas.
    Note: After some concerns raised, we should mention that Dr. Veritas is not authorised to feed his colleagues to anomalous objects. We do, however, approve of his… request to refrain from using parts of SCP-914 in testing. - Site Director Hackett.
  • Test #  Dr. Anton's testing with Rubik's Cubes goes horribly wrong:
    Input: One Rubik’s cube.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A “hypercube” space anomaly. When Dr. Anton tried to rotate it, the cube sucked his hand into the rift, breaking several of his hand's bones.
    Note: Firstly, ow. Second, I am not surprised at this result, a hypercube. Third, does anyone know how to solve it? - Dr. Anton
    Note: Anton, we try to solve spacetime anomalies after we get out of the hospital wing. - Veritas
  • Test #  Jr. Researcher Pals learns the hard way that when it comes to 914, anything that sounds Too Good to Be True is absolutely not trustworthy:
    Input: Two bottles of hand sanitizer
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A large bottle of hand sanitizer, mass equivalent to initial input. On the front is a sticker that reads as follows:
    NEW DELUXE EXTRA LARGE SCP-914 HAND SANITIZER! KILLS 199.8% OF GERMS!
    Note: Could it be? Has 914 made something useful for once?
    Scratch that. Apparently 914’s idea of what “germs” are also includes human skin, so now I have chemical burns.

    Note: Frankly, I think you walked right into that one. -Junior Researcher Beatrice
  • Test #  Dr. Xerial attempted to see what 914 would do with various pictures of SCP objects. The final test:
    Input: One (1) picture of SCP-173.
    Setting: 1:1
    Note: Oh shit. - Dr. Xerial
    Note 2: Xerial's remains (what was left) have been disposed of. Someone write up the cause of death as "natural selection". - Dr. Veritas
  • Using thaumatology on SCP-914 backfires immensely.
    Test 914-0261
    Name: Dr. Devant. Thaumatology researcher.
    I hope to find answers where Dr. Mason only found SCP-914 messing with him. - Dr. Devant
    Date: 03/10/2018
    Total Items: 5 Thaumatologically crafted letters (acting as tracking beacons) in envelopes that will remotely write the path taken on an associated paper sheet outside of SCP-914. These letters are also sealed closed with special trigger symbols in sealing wax that, when traversing boundaries of realities or alternate universes, will trigger the associated wax candles outside of SCP-914 to light themselves.

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Rough
    Output: A small pile of cinnabar, a tiny beeswax honeycomb structure, scraps of paper, and a small pile of glitter (presumed to be the thaumatological writing from the letter).
    Notes: The candle did not light, an outline of a human face was drawn on the paper sheet.
    Yes! We're getting somewhere. No way this drawing could form the Foundation logo. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: 1 unfolded envelope (no visible markings), one letter with SCP-3669-2 notation in glittery black ink. One unbroken wax seal with the stylized initials C.F. stamped on it.
    Notes: The candle did not light, the paper showed a zig-zagging pattern being drawn across it.
    The arrows on the letter do not match the chaotic movement on the paper. I'll have the letter analysed by another department. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A punch card labeled "FORTRAN STATEMENT" wherein 688 of the 800 positions were punched. Each of the punched holes had a shape of thaumatological significance. The surface of the card feels "waxy" and has a slight glitter-like glint to it. The nature of the program on the card is being analysed by the anomalous computing dept.
    Notes: The candle produced a small puff of smoke, but did not light. On the sheet of paper, a pair of human eyes were drawn.
    While the results of the candle were inconclusive, SCP-914 seems to be drawing a human face.
    I'm beginning to believe that my plan has already failed. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 origami helicopter (modeled after a Bell UH-1 Iroquois), the windows are painted on with glittery black ink, the engine compartment is made of red sealing wax. After manually winding the blades, the helicopter can fly a short distance in a random direction.
    Notes: The candle produced a small spark and puff of smoke. A pair of human ears, a human nose, & voluptuous lips were drawn on the paper.
    I'm not quite sure what the candle is signaling here, it should just light itself when the seal traverses to another reality, this effect needs further investigation. The face drawn on the tracking papers is too crude to do any facial recognition on, let's see if the Very Fine setting helps. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 wax sealed envelope, addressed to the high school nickname of Dr. Devant, the seal was stamped with a heart symbol. Inside the envelope was a letter of rejection to Dr. Devant, written in black glittery ink. This letter is currently being investigated for cognitohazardous effects.
    Notes: The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid, it produced a sketch of ████████ ████████████ (now deceased), a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant. Dr. Devant has been placed in the psych ward after excessive sobbing and showing of suicidal tendencies.
    This one's odd to me. All my experiments so far have conformed to the belief that SCP-914 works via associations of the operator. Unless the good Doctor can tell me otherwise, that doesn't seem to be the case here. I would suggest against using thaumaturgy on 914, it's already weird enough as is. -Researcher K. Midaeus
  • Dr. Einen is a nerd:
    Test 914-0265
    Name: Dr. Einen
    Date: 01/05/2018
    Total Items: One container filled with 20mg of tears. One clay doll resembling a wide-eyed child.

    Input: Both previously mentioned items
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Object has the appearance of the original doll, but with the capability to move around. When agitated, it appears to be able to shoot out 'tears' from its supposed eyes. Object neutralized after being exposed to a small wooden replica of a cross.

    I just wanted to know what would happen, the game is damn fun. - Dr. Einen
    Again, please try not to create anything that might become living. I’m not saying that you were intentionally trying to create █████, but really? -Dr. Nome
  • Test #0277's final result is quite silly when you think about what it must look like in-universe.
    Input: One IPK
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: One platinum weighing mass with tapered handle & ornate embossments of the phrase "1 kilogram" in various languages. X-ray imaging of the device showed an internal space filled with iridium metal parts moving continuously and chaotically. Its anomalous effect is made apparent when the "weight" is placed on the surface of an object that is not fastened to the ground in some way, this object will now weigh exactly one kilogram regardless of local gravity or acceleration. The object behaves like a regular weighing mass when used on a balance scale.
    I recommend using magnetic boots when carrying this weight, walking whilst weighing only one kilo has proven to be very difficult. Dr. Lefèvre‑Gineau
  • Test #  Researcher Darby picks up his first injury:
    Input: Superhero graphic novel [Batman], One Kilogram Iron filings
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One small toy Joker as described in the novel, when retrieval was attempted the miniature Joker attacked Researcher I. Darby and [DATA EXPUNGED]. Object successfully neutralized with only minor injuries and the loss of Researcher I. Darby's pride.
    In the future I'm letting the D-Class Personnel retrieve objects, that can never happen again - Researcher I. Darby
  • An attempt to improve a tracking device gets taken too far.
    Test 914-0286
    Name: Researcher Daniel
    Date: 18/11/2018
    Total Items: One Standard Foundation Tracking Device, Six (6) AA Batteries
    Note: Before the test, subject D-4936 was given these devices, which were receiving signals from tracking devices near SCPs. The intention for this test is to try and create an SCP tracker.

    Input: One Standard Foundation Tracking Device
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Improved Tracking Device. When loaded with batteries and pointed at an SCP, it will emit a beeping noise that will speed up with proximity. The batteries go flat after five minutes of operation.
    It actually worked, albeit for short periods. Attempting to improve. -Researcher Daniel

    Input: One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Improved Tracking Device. Battery life increased to thirty minutes.
    Still too short. Let's try one more time. I don't understand why so many people are complaining about 914. -Researcher Daniel

    Input: One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Improved Tracking Device. Upon the Output booth opening, it attached itself to the booth wall and made a loud blaring noise. The object was unable to be removed from the wall of the booth. Attempts to destroy the object without causing damage to SCP-914 resulted in failures. Despite not being able to remove it, the tracker could be slid along the walls. The object was then slid out of the Output booth, across SCP-914, and into the Intake booth.

    Input: One Improved Tracking Device
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Burnt pile of metal and plastic
    Finally shut that thing up! -Researcher Daniel
    Note: Researcher Daniel was reprimanded for his carelessness and admitted to the medbay for an aspirin. -Senior Researcher Brad
    Note: Why am I surrounded by complete imbeciles? - Veritas
  • An attempt to give 914 a tune-up ends in an unexpected fashion:
    Test 914-0287
    Name: Maintenance Technician Johnson
    Date: 18/11/2018
    Total Items: Five gallons industrial strength degreaser, One gallon industrial strength rust remover, One gallon industrial engine lubricant, One handwritten note reading “Use these supplies to give yourself a tune-up”
    Note: Let’s see if I can give 914 a tune-up. Who knows how long it’s been since it last had one?

    Input: All of the above
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A foul-smelling mixture of the aforementioned degreaser and lubricant. Analysis reveals substantial amounts of rust, ash, and soot. The note is unreadable due to being completely blackened. One small metal and a plastic statue of Maintenance Technician Johnson holding a wrench and standing in a gallant pose. Statue has memetic properties leading to viewers gaining an intense urge to give M.T. Johnson either a promotion or a pay raise, whichever would lead to him getting paid more. This effect lasts for an average of two hours after viewing. Moved to secure containment.

    Note: Now every pay raise or promotion I could ever possibly receive is going to be treated as a possible containment breach. Great. - Maintenance Technician Johnson
    Note: The cleanup took 2 bloody hours. Remind me to take the clearance of the next technician that tries this without conferring with a senior researcher first. - Veritas
  • Dr. Day and his amazing technicolor pens:
    Test 914-0298
    Name: Dr. Day
    Date: 30-11-18
    Total Items: 4 broken pens.
    Note: I'm getting pissed off at all my pens breaking. -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A mechanical pencil with what appeared to be a plastic cartridge. melted into ink when Dr. Day tried to retrieve it.
    Note: God dammit, [Data Smudged] hands [Data Smudged] with ink -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A pen that is always activated. Changes to a new color every time the button is pressed.
    Welp, the pen I was using to write this report broke. Hopefully 914 made this one indestructible as well. -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An ornate fountain pen. The ink is imbued in the outer case. Ink cartridge is empty.
    Note: Great job, great freaking job, 914. -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A pen that will write down everything that is said in the general vicinity, of about 3 meters.

    Note: This is great! Now I don't have to write! Hey, Dayman, you can't use that, we don't know what properties it has.
    But all my pens are broken!
    I will see if we can get you some more pens, Dayman.
    Can't I use it to finish writing this report first? And don't call me Dayman. Wait, did it just record everything we said? Yes, apparent- -Pen
Advertisement:

    Experiment Logs 0300- 0399 
  • Fun with personnel files.
    Test 914-0307
    Name: Dr. Anton
    Date: 10/12/18
    Total Items: Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes

    Input: Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A bingo card, containing several marks on it, including a "bingo" configuration. Several iron balls, engraved with numbers, some of which correspond with the marks on the card.

    Input: Personnel File for Maintenance Technician Johnston, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One small metal and paper statue of Maintenance Technician Johnson holding a wrench and standing in a gallant pose. Statue has memetic properties leading to viewers gaining an intense urge to give M.T. Johnson either a promotion or a pay raise, whichever would lead to him getting paid more. This effect lasts for an average of two hours after viewing.
    Note: This again!? - MT. Johnson

    Input: Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Documentation for SCP-914, level 3 clearance. Test logs not included.
    Note: …No comment. - Dr. Anton
    Note: To whoever gave Anton my personnel file: Pray that I don't find out who you are. - Veritas.


    Input: Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: no change The document has significant changes, and a memetic effect where talking about them changes the color of text. Main changes include [DATA EXPUNGED]. Cube has a purple tinge.

    Input: Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An iron gear, and an apology note. Upon reading, Dr. Anton burst into tears and had to be removed by security personnel.
  • Test #  A test with various measuring devices leads to a Brick Joke.
    Input: One wristwatch, one thermometer
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One wristwatch without markings. The hour hand appears immobile at first. Further testing indicates that it moves albeit extremely slowly; it completes one full round every 1407.5 hours.
    That's the sidereal rotational period of Mercury. Son of a…
  • The restrictions on biological testing are in place for a reason.
    Test 914-0325
    Name: Junior Researcher Murray
    Date: 22/09/19
    Total Items: Five 8GB SanDisk 8GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single FAT32 partition with the file monika.chr from the 2017 parody horror visual novel "Doki Doki Literature Club!", developed by Team Salvato.

    Input: One memory stick
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Melted heap of silicone, metal and plastic, equal to mass, volume and weight of input product. Data likely lost.

    Input: One memory stick
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: Memory stick disassembled into its separate components. FAT32 partition has been corrupted.

    Input: One memory stick
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One Kingston DataTraveler G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single ExFAT partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites, and a compilation of fan art of the character "Sans" from "Undertale", a game created by Toby Fox in 2015.

    Input: One memory stick
    Note 2: Upon closer inspection of security camera footage, it appears that Junior Researcher Murray had also placed a large bucket's worth of stolen human tissue (from the medical department) into the input chamber.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: [DATA EXPUNGED], promptly terminated after breaching the walls of SCP-914's containment. Junior Researcher Murray, showing an almost memetic attraction to the entity, was also terminated after trying to shield said entity from the bullets of the guards' assault rifles.
    Note 3: Alright, who else wants to create a fucking sentient reality bender waifu with SCP-914? For those that fail, your prize will be Class E amnestics. - Senior Researcher ██████
  • A military mishap in the making:
    Test 914-0326
    Name: Dr. Anker
    Date: 27/11/19
    Total Items: Three completed ‘Revell’ plastic models consisting of one German Battleship Bismarck 1:350, one British Aircraft Carrier Illustrious 1:700, and one German Cruiser Prinz Eugen model 1:720. This is along with one completed ‘Trumpeter’ model of British Battlecruiser Renown 1:700.

    Input: One completed ‘Revell’ German Battleship Bismarck model, 1:350.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A completed ‘Revell’ German Battleship Tirpitz model, also 1:350.

    Input: One completed ‘Revell’ German Cruiser Prinz Eugen model 1:720
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A completed 1:720 model of German Aircraft Carrier Seydlitz. ‘Revell’ and ‘Revell of Germany’ have both never made a model of Seydlitz, carrier or cruiser, and in fact, Seydlitz was never finished as either.
    Note: This will be a fine addition to my collection. - Dr. Anker

    Input: One completed ‘Revell’ British Aircraft Carrier Illustrious model 1:700
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A completed 1:700 model of British Aircraft Carrier Illustrious which was found to be functional. The planes were able to drop miniature bombs which were painful but non-lethal. They flew towards Dr. Anker and he was admitted to the infirmary for minor burns after the planes subsequently attacked him. Item placed in secure storage.
    Note: This is why I prefer boats. - Dr. Anker

    Input: One painted ‘Trumpeter’ British Battlecruiser Renown 1:700 put back into the box.
    Note: I got bored, so I painted it, but I remembered it was for the test, so I put it back in.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A painted in-box ‘Figma’ of British Battlecruiser Renown from the mobile game ‘Azur Lane’. ‘Azur Lane’ is about girls being made from weaponry, in this case, ships. ‘Figma’ has never released an item related to Azur Lane.

    Input: One completed 1:350 model of German Battleship Tirpitz
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: When the door opened, a full-size artillery shot killed █ and severely injured Dr. Anker. [The model] escaped containment and was observed as ‘floating in midair’. It was terminated due to a weapons malfunction around 24 minutes after, with total casualties estimated at ██ caused by both it and the breach of containment caused by it.
    Note: Ow. - Dr. Anker
    Note: To the next genius that decides to test model military equipment: This is why you don't do it. - Veritas.
  • It's not long before Researcher Murray's mistakes are repeated:
    Test 914-0328
    Name: Junior Researcher Altdamm
    Date: 04/01/19
    Total Items: Two 4GB SanDisk 4GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single NTFS partition of the .apk file of the 2.0223_274 version of Girls' Frontline; one X-Sponge; one 1:10 model of the Girls Frontline character Grizzly MkV

    Input: One USB and one X-Sponge
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One X-Sponge which automatically redacts all information not related to the game Girls Frontline in any form. ███████ ███████ ████ ██ ████████ ███████████ ██████████ ██ ███ ████ ██ ███████ ███████ ██.
    Note: ██████ ██, ████ ███ ████ ██ ████ ████████ ██ ████? -Altdamm

    Input: One USB and one model of Grizzly MkV
    Reviewing security footage has shown that Junior Researcher Altdamm inserted a box full of human tissue stolen from a deceased D-class personnel in the Medical Department, including said personnel's clothing.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: An entity resembling the Girls Frontline character Grizzly MkV, as well as a fully loaded Kel-Tec PMR-30 automatic pistol. Initially disoriented, the entity grabbed the pistol and shot Junior Researcher Altdamm six times in his abdomen and chest, before surrendering itself to Foundation authorities. Junior Researcher Altdamm himself died of blood loss.
    Note: Again? Seriously? The next person caught attempting to create a reality bender waifu with 914 will be rewarded with a bullet in the head. -Senior Researcher ██████
    Addendum: When cleaning up 914, a clock was found at the output booth. The hour hand always points at Dr. Veritas, the minute hand always points at Dr. Cleveland, and the second hand always points at Maintenance Technician Johnson. The clock would also constantly rotate such that the "V" marking always points towards the entity resembling Grizzly MkV. Security footage has shown that the entity used 914 at the "Very Fine" setting in an attempt to alter the automatic pistol.
  • The Foundation's security seems to be lapsing:
    Test 914-0348
    Name: Detective Brandt
    Date: 16/1/2019
    Total Items: A photograph of Researcher I. Darby and an arrest warrant for said Researcher.

    Input: Above Mentioned
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A Photograph of Researcher I. Darby that shows his actions, no time of reference is included so no information can be granted from said photograph. Arrest warrant has been folded in shape of a small german shepherd and is completely animate.
    Note: First off, HOW THE HELL DID A POLICEMAN GET INSIDE THE FACILITY?! Second, why did you let him walk out of here after using 914? - Security Overseer Brundon
    Note: How this man managed to enter this facility aside, given the arrest warrant, will someone please do a background check on Researcher Isaac Darby? The last thing we want is a criminal in charge of these experiments. - Dr. ██████
    Note: The detective was administered amnestics. I would also really appreciate it if you yelled at the Human Resources instead. - Dr. Veritas
  • Dr. Xerial turns out to not be the bottom of the barrel in terms of common sense:
    Test 914-0353
    Name: Dr. Harvey
    Date: 02/03/2019
    Total items: A picture of SCP-096.

    Input: A picture of SCP-096
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A picture of SCP-690
    Note: Thank goodness -Dr. Harvey.
    Note: No one looked at the photo and it was upside down the entire time.
    Note: What the hell? What made you think this was a good idea? Didn't you learn from the test I performed earlier this year? This isn't a game! Requesting Dr. Harvey be reviewed for disciplinary actions. Count yourself lucky it didn't decide to kill you all. - Dr. Ricardo
  • Dr. Harvey is more than a little bitter over getting chewed out:
    Test 914-0354
    Name: Dr. Harvey
    Date: 04/03/2019
    Total Items: A wallet, pieces of a desk, a mug labeled “number 1# researcher”

    Input: A wallet
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Torn up leather and plastic

    Input: Pieces of a desk
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Sawed up wooden planks

    Input: A mug labeled “number 1# researcher.”
    Setting: Rough
    Output: None

    Note: Dr. Harvey was detained before he could continue. He also had other items that belonged to Dr. Ricardo.
    Note: Both of their testing licenses have been revoked. Don't care who started it, I'm finishing it. Now get the hell out of the testing area. - Terren
    Note: What the hell?! Look, I know you're mad about last Sunday, but that's just low. -Dr. Ricardo
  • 914 doesn't care to follow patterns:
    Test 914-0364
    Name: Assistant Researcher Erickson
    Date: 23/01/2019
    Total Items: One Bugle, three cubes of brass (Varying sizes)

    Input: The aforementioned bugle, One small cube of brass.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One piccolo trumpet.

    Input: The aforementioned trumpet, One medium sized cube of brass.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One trombone.
    If I'm correct, the next one should be a tuba. - Assistant Researcher Erickson

    Input: The aforementioned trombone, One large cube of brass.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One brass statue of Rick Astley. Statue played the song "Never Gonna Give You Up" nonstop from an unidentifiable source.
    This goddamn machine… I can't deal with this. -Assistant Researcher Erickson
    The statue was melted down to scrap in the site incinerator as instructed, but it's still playing the F*CKING song. -Agent Alyson
  • This is why you don't play with weird devices:
    Test 914-0369
    Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
    Date: 26-01-2019
    Total Items: One solid-state USB drive with a capacity of 128 GB. Drive is empty and unformatted.
    Note: I wanted to see if 914 could write information onto a drive, and if so what it might put in there. I have a Windows computer on a closed system with no internet or system access. This will be tested with the drive. - Stan

    Input: One SSD, empty
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One SSD with a USB compatibility. Appears to be a different model than the input device. The drive has a small switch on the top, with the activated position marked with an engraved 'X'. The computer appeared unable to recognize the drive when plugged in, disallowing any manual transferring of files. When the switch was pushed to the 'X' position, the computer malfunctioned. Upon further testing, it appears the drive deletes "System32" off of any computer running Windows OS when the switch is activated. Item has no effect on non-Windows operating systems.

    Note: Later that day, a researcher wearing a plastic Guy Fawkes mask entered secure storage using proper security clearance and stole the drive. All Windows computers connected to the Foundation system later came under malware attack despite foundation security software and were disabled via deletion of System32. The researcher responsible was identified through the records of the security card scanner. The researcher has been fired and amnesticized.
    Note: I don't think he realized that all of the important Foundation computers run SCP OS. -Stan
  • 914 knows who holds the cards:
    Test 914-0372
    Name: Dr. Calloway
    Date: 29/01/2019
    Total Items: 1 note, labeled "Best Researcher ever".

    Input: 1 note, labeled "Best Researcher ever".
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: 1 note, labeled "Veritas"
    Suck up. -Dr. Calloway
  • SCP-914 seems to carry a torch for Johnson:
    Test 914-0381
    Name: Maintenance Technician Johnson
    Date: 30/01/2019
    Total Items: 3 abridged copies of MT Johnson's personnel file, which have been scrubbed of all sensitive information
    Note: Since 914 partially operates by intent of the operator, let's see what happens when I create some feedback by putting in information about myself.

    Input: 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A copy of the mission statement of the Department of Maintenance, an obscure department which is responsible for the upkeep of SCP containment enclosures.
    Note: If no one's heard of us, then that means we're doing our jobs correctly. - MT Johnson

    Input: 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One large origami wrench embossed with the words "Secure, Maintain, Protect"
    Note: About what I expected, but that's not the Foundation's actual slogan. Perhaps it's my perception of it? - MT Johnson

    Input: 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The file now contains several pages of the word "maintain" handwritten over and over in printer ink. Writing confirmed as identical to that of MT Johnson. Writing starts out normally but gets rougher and rougher as it progresses, as well as containing an increasing number of capital letters. By the end, it is barely legible as well as being entirely capitalized. The folder has what appears to be an emblem made up of a pair of crossed wrenches pressed into its front and back as well.
    Note: This feels like it's from the typewriter scene from The Shining. I'm just going to leave this in secure storage and try to forget that this ever happened. - MT Johnson
  • Test #  A test with a shovel has a very strange ending:
    Input: One standard-issue military entrenching tool, as produced by SCP-914.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An anomalous military entrenching tool that, when held, prompts the subject to attempt to exchange it for cheap goods and services, regardless of whether the recipient is willing to accept it.
    Note: The remainder of the test postponed while I go see if anyone wants a duplicated shovel. - Dr. Hadian
    Note: Dr. Hadian has been sent to the antimemetics department for treatment by Dr. Veritas, or to use his words: "No, I don't want a [REDACTED] spade." - Security Officer Schwartz
  • A test with amnestics goes bad quickly.
    Test 914-0392
    Name: Dr. Range — Medical Department
    Date: 05/02/2019
    Total Items: 1 Class-B amnestic, small tablet.
    Note: Attempting to see if 914 can create more powerful amnestics. A low level one was used for obvious reasons.

    Input: Class-B amnestic tablet
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Visually unchanged tablet. Anyone within a five meter radius of this tablet appears to suffer from short-term memory loss, which is removed once outside the range.
    Note: Took a while, but eventually tablet was incinerated. Every time someone tried to move it, they'd take two steps, forget why they had it, and set it down. -Dr. Range

    Experiment Logs 0400- 0499 
  • Test #  Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird shit is not appreciated.
    Input: One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One paper with a big "NO" written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source
    Note: …No. Nope. I've had it. I'm done. No more. I quit! Where's the medical bay, I'll take whatever amnestics I need to to get out of here! - Archivist Morgan

    Note: To site security: I would like to report that there is a mental breakdown in progress in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesticize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "I quit" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen
    Note: I've seen 914 archivists melt down before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen
  • Dr. Hadian has weird tastes:
    Test 914-0404
    Name: Dr. Hadian
    Date: 11/02/2019
    Total Items: Three copies of an adult graphic novel, title [REDACTED]
    Note: I know it's not professional, but frankly I'm surprised nobody's tried it yet.

    Input: A copy of the aforementioned book
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A book of diagrams indicating how to fill out an unidentified form, written in Japanese. Cursory translation suggests that the form is financial in nature, and references details such as the owner's age, date and location of birth, marital status, star sign, personality type, and various other personal details.

    Input: A copy of the aforementioned book
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A catalog of land vehicles, food items, and firearms, arranged without a clear pattern.

    Input: A copy of the aforementioned book
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A graphic novel in a similar style. Those handling it have reported an immediate spike in their libido upon picking it up.
    Note: While that last outcome was more or less as anticipated, I have to wonder about the first two. Perhaps 914 is configuring them to the preferences of the operator? - Dr. Hadian
    Note: Who the fuck gets off on paying their taxes? - Researcher Jenkins
  • Yet another security breach:
    Test 914-0405
    Name: Researcher Mi Sicx
    Date: 11/02/2019
    Total Items: One Warrant for Researcher I. Darby, 5 platoons of SCP-705

    Input: One arrest order for Researcher I. Darby, 5 Platoons of SCP-705
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 5 Platoons of SCP-705 wearing thick paper SWAT armor, dyed black from printer ink.
    SCP-705 disappeared during the confrontation of Researcher Mi Sicx and are presumed to be loose in the ventilation shafts. Robot sweepers are to be sent into ventilation to collect rogue SCP-705 Elements.
    Note: What's the status of that background check? First police and now MI-6 are attempting to arrest Researcher I. Darby, also bring him to my office when you are able - Chief Brandt to staff
    Note: Created instances of SCP-705 have been destroyed and relevant members of MI6 have been administered amnestics. I have no idea who let them in, but Director Hackett is absolutely furious and I advise the one responsible to stay far away from his office for a while. - Senior Security Officer Schwartz and Dr. Veritas
  • Calloway has no luck with musical things:
    Test 914-0406
    Name: Dr. Calloway
    Date: 12/02/2019
    Total Items: 1 copy of 'Battleblock theater'.

    Input: 1 copy of 'Battleblock theater'.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 plastic cube. The song 'It's a secret' from the game 'Battleblock theater' appears to be playing anomalously from the cube, with no end.
    Someone make it stop. -Dr. Calloway
  • Remember, safety first!
    Test 914-0429
    Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
    Date: 19/02/2019
    Total Items: One squeezable plastic pouch of instant drink mix, fruit punch flavored

    Input: Drink mix
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A similarly shaped pouch to the original. The label read "Bombastic Explosive Flavor!" with no nutrition information or ingredients.
    Note: We've decided to test this in a reinforced chamber with a remote arm. I think you know why. -Stan
    Results: A technician operated the remote arm from behind reinforced glass with Jr. Researcher Stan. The remote arm poured the mix into a glass of water. Drink mix was shown to be colored bright red. Upon fully diffusing into the water, it began to violently react and created a small explosion, destroying the glass and sending shards throughout the room. Remote arm and drink pouch were unharmed.
    Note: I was expecting something more grenade-like, but it was awesome anyway. We got permission to break open the pouch over a 20-liter tub. -Stan
    Results: Remote arm was used to crush the pouch, spilling most of its contents into the tub. After roughly five minutes, the water in the tub began to react, bubbling and spilling its contents, making loud gurgling noises. A loud bang is audible as the camera feed cuts out. Later inspection shows the camera was destroyed when a piece of the tub impacted it and broke it open, allowing water to damage the circuitry. The remote arm was also destroyed by a mixture of blunt force damage, shrapnel, and water.
    Note: Anybody got some clean pants I can borrow? -Stan
  • Test #  Researcher Calloway hasn't gotten the memo that testing with amnestics is a bad idea.
    Input: 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A colorless, odorless gas. Detection methods proved unable to detect the gas, so the chamber was declared empty, and several researchers, including Calloway, were affected. The gas proved to be anomalous, with the effect of making all subjects who inhale it speak and write backwards for an unknown length of time.
    Note: .sruoh flah a dna eerht rof siht ekil kcuts neeb ev'I ,em pleh enoemoS Translation  -Researcher Calloway
    Note: We're going to let him sit this one out for the duration of the effect to allow him to ponder the question: Is testing of mind-affecting substances through unpredictable anomalous objects a good idea? No one tell him the answer; he'll have to come up with it on his own. - Dr. Veritas.
  • The very next test makes the same mistake:
    Test 914-0431
    Name: Dr. Tsubasa
    Date: 21/02/2019
    Total Items: One vial of Y-909.

    Input: See above.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: [REDACTED]. Object seems to emit a pulse of an unknown energy that renders all who view it to immediately revert to a vegetable-like state. Object was terminated by several members of the amnestics division.

    Note: Oh thank god I wasn't there to see it, I needed to take a [REDACTED]. -Dr. Tsubasa
    Note: .sekatsim ym morf denrael evah dluohS Translation  -Sr. Researcher Calloway
  • The best candidate for Darby's "Moron Event Horizon" is probably his "dihydrogen monoxide" test:
    Test 914-0433
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 20/02/2019
    Total Items: One 2-Liter Tub of water (Labeled Di-Hydrogen Monoxide), One pamphlet describing the dangers of Di-hydrogen Monoxide;
    This test is to see if SCP-914 can fall for the same "Tricks" as we can

    Input: One Di-Hydrogen Monoxide Pamphlet
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Pamphlet describing the dangers of Pollution
    The Framework has been set, now to see what it does to "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"

    The bucket of water was carried in a sealed container by four men in haz-mat suits as if it was an incredibly dangerous liquid.
    Input: One 2-Liter Tub of "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One 2-Liter Tub of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide
    It did nothing? I was expecting it to super heat it or destroy it in some way, well, better deal with this water and dispose of it properly. - Researcher Darby

    Site-19 has been put into Quarantine until the "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" can be flushed out of the drainage system and affected areas. SCP-914 apparently turned the bucket of water into a bucket of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, this change was only detected when Researcher Darby was put into the medical bay approximately two hours after drinking from the bucket. All reported claims of Di-Hydrogen monoxide as stated by the pamphlet are revealed to be the case as reported by medical staff's examination of the researcher.
    Note: Please, please, test everything that comes out of 914 if it looks unchanged. This was quite annoying to deal with… - Dr. Range - Site 19 Medical Department
    Note: He actually drank from the ██████ bucket? I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when the idiot inevitably gets himself killed. - Dr. Veritas
  • An attempt to defictionalize Bonk! Atomic Punch goes exactly how you'd expect.
    Test 914-0436
    Name: Dr. Artium
    Date: 20/02/2019
    Total Items: One copy of the game "Team Fortress 2", One "Scout Picture", One aluminum can filled with drink mix
    With multiple video game-related tests conducted with 914, I thought that I would test results with this game due to the high number of random objects that appear in the game, this may help determine what 914 would determine as worthy of "fine" and "very fine". -Artium

    Input: All of the above items
    Setting: very fine
    Output: One full can of "Bonk Atomic Punch". D-Class personnel performed a test to review if it had the same effect as in-game Atomic Punch. After a single sip, D-41241-WA immediately grabbed their chest in pain and collapsed. On conduction of an autopsy, medical staff confirmed the cause of death to be a heart attack, along with toxic amounts of plastic and wood pulp forming in the stomach and liver, presumably the remains of the game and the picture.

    Note: It appears that the drink's total amount of sugar conformed to reality, so instead of making a person able to move impossible speeds, their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.
    Why are you letting UNRESTRAINED D-Class test this in the first place? They could escape if the effect had been to speed them up rather than blow their hearts with sugar! - Researcher Al Catraz
  • Testing with data storage devices ends terribly for Darby:
    Test 914-0450
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 28/02/2019
    Total Items: One Calendar for the year 2019, Map of the world circa 2019, One Set of Handcuffs, One copy of the Voyager II disk, One 2 Terabyte Hard-drive

    Input: One Calendar circa 2019
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One Calendar circa 9102
    Well, now we know the day WW3 started, there's a memorial for it on [REDACTED].

    Input: Map of the world circa 2019
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Paper mache Nuclear mushroom
    That's worrying.

    Input: Voyager II disk copy
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Unchanged Unknown
    Staff have no memory of taking disk out of output booth, but it cannot be found and several researchers are reporting symptoms similar to amnesiac victims.

    Input: One 2 Terabyte hard drive
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Unchanged Hard Drive now acts as a matter containment device, device specifications (Storage: 500 Meters2) has been inscribed on packaging along with the Apple logo.
    Note: Researcher Darby was absorbed through contact upon picking up device with bare hands. At this time, Researcher Darby still has not been recovered, though several attempts have been made and tests are ongoing.
    Note: If he doesn't survive this time, let it be known that I called it. - Dr. Veritas
  • This may be 914's Greatest Take That! yet:
    Test 914-0465
    Name: Dr. Viridine
    Date: 03/09/2019
    Total Items: One Blu-ray copy of the full series of Twilight, one printed copy of the "My Immortal" fanfiction

    Input: Blu-ray disk containing all Twilight movies.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A blu-ray disk containing the entire Underworld series. Upon further examination, a note within the case of said disk reading "NO" was found in the place of a printed digital download code.
    Note: Me too, 914. Me too. -Dr. Viridine

    Input: Printed copy of "My Immortal" fanfiction.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A hardcover copy of a book titled simply "HOW TO WRITE". Pages completely blank. Experimentation revealed that if a reader viewed each page within the book, they were suddenly compelled to write. Several D-Class subjects were instructed to read the book, and each produced within several hours a full draft of a fictional story with an incredibly detailed plot. Permission of further research on book and possible classification as an anomaly of its own requested.
    Note: I think even 914 is disgusted by that fic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a completed manuscript to email to my publisher. -Dr. Viridine
  • Darby pisses off a terracotta army:
    Test 914-0469
    Name: Researcher I. Darby
    Date: 18/03/2019
    Total Items: 5 Terracotta Soldiers
    Note: These were obtained in a completely "Legal" manner

    Input: Terracotta Soldier
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Pile of clay shards and dust
    Note: My intern said he heard screams, I think he's imagining it so I'm sending him to get the components for my next experiment from storage.

    Input: Terracotta Soldier
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: Neatly disassembled and arranged on floor of booth
    Note: Put straps on those pieces and you could wear it like armor.

    Input: Terracotta Soldier
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Egyptian Anubis statue (Shrunk to size)
    Note: What? Why? How? Oh wait, the soldiers guard the Emperor in death and the statues guard the tomb.

    Input: Terracotta Soldier
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Terracotta Soldier
    Note: The soldier has been cleaned and refurbished as if it was brand new.

    Input: Terracotta Soldier
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Animate Terracotta Soldier, exited output booth with a confused expression until seeing Researcher I. Darby. It then moved in an aggressive manner while yelling early Chinese; upon reaching Researcher I. Darby, it proceeded to assault him until it was crippled by security personnel and put into containment. Researcher I. Darby suffered several broken bones and has been sent to the infirmary while the Terracotta soldier is interrogated.
    Note: Audio translation of Chinese; You devil! You killed the Emperor! NOW I WILL KILL YOU!
    Note: I caught a few junior researchers taking bets on Darby's demise, how long he has and in which manner he'll get himself killed. Take that outside of my testing area and put 50 bucks on 12 months for me. Crushed by a large object. - Dr. Veritas
  • Test #0472 is gut-busting, but sadly cannot be transcribed here because of the unbelievably chaotic formatting. Long story short, computer viruses and incompetence were involved.
    Thanks for the extra work, buddy. -Rosen
  • SCP-743 would be proud:
    Test 914-0477
    Name: Researcher I. Darby
    Date: 20/03/2019
    Total Items: 3 Mech Blueprints, 3 Tons of Steel, 3 AI Cores, Box of Chocolates

    Input: 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: 1 Blueprint of Site-██, .90 Ton Pure Iron, .05 Ton Diamond, .05 Ton Unidentified, 1 AI Core of a different model.
    Note: Can I sell those diamonds? I need the money. - Researcher Darby
    Note: That's hilarious, Darby. - Veritas


    Input: 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 Steel Cube with Paper accents, (AI Core implanted inside)
    Note: Scrapping this, you can't even use the AI as it has no outlet.

    Input: 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 Unarmed Automatic Mech
    Note: Once I finish this next test I'll send it to MTF Command to be used containing anomalous objects. - Darby
    Note: Yeah, they're not exactly subtle. If we were to use these, we're limited to using them only in Transformer cosplay events. - MTF Captain Niles.


    Input: Box of Chocolates
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Miniature feminine humanoid produced entirely from chocolate.
    Upon output booth opening, Object rushed at Researcher Darby and proceeded to feed him chocolate until he fainted from inability to breath through the chocolate. Then the Object avoided Security Personnel attempts to contain it and accessed the Mech from the previous test, which it used to enact a massive Containment Breach until MTF forces took it down with a AT weapon. Researcher Darby is in ICU due to Medical Personnel taking longer to reach him due to Containment Breach.
  • Researcher Darby plays Russian Roulette with 914:
    Test 914-0481
    Name: Researcher I. Darby
    Date: 22/03/2019
    Total Items: Can of Onion Powder
    Note: Researcher I. Darby is out of ICU on probation and feels well enough for a small test

    Input: Can of Onion Powder
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Tear Gas Grenade
    Note: Uhh, no one touch anything until I grab a gas mask.

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Mustard Gas Grenade
    Note: That's not good, but I'm going to see how far this will go.

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: CS Gas Grenade
    Note: That's better than the last output, but still dangerous.

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Agent Orange Grenade
    Note: I'm going to go and grab a NBRC Haz-Mat suit.

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Incendiary Grenade
    Note: At least it's not a Gas Grenade, going to run it one last time.

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: White Phosphorus Grenade (Ring Pulled)
    Note: EVERYBODY OUT NOW!!

    Incident Report: Researcher I. Darby was severely wounded by White Phosphorous in his attempt to force his Assistant Personnel and Security Escort out of the SCP-914 Containment Area. SCP-914 was not damaged, but its Containment Area requires cleaning and minor repair. Researcher I. Darby has been returned to the ICU and has been banned from using SCP-914 until he is fully healed. - Site Manager
    Note: Maybe SCP-914 is still on the Fritz after that panel got taken off. - Jr. Researcher Norton
    Note: Every test this guy does is a spit in Darwin's face. It's a miracle that he survived this long, I have half a mind to have him classified as an anomalous object. Someone get me a bloody aspirin. - Veritas
  • Test #  914 has unique taste in knock-knock jokes. note  In summary: "Knock knock. Who's there? Peak hatch. Peak hatch who?" note 
    The note card is now folded into the shape of a rodent-like creature, confirmed to be the mascot of the Pokémon franchise. Upon the creature's name being uttered, the sound of 2 snare drums and a cymbal were heard from an unknown location.

    Experiment Logs 0500- 0599 
  • SCP-914 has no patience for IKEA products:
    Test 914-0505
    Name: Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
    Date: 03/04/2019
    Total Items: One "Stuva" loft bed manufactured by IKEA (unassembled and still in box)
    Note: We've seen this machine work miracles in the past. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren

    Input: The aforementioned box with all proper contents inside.
    Setting: Fine
    Note: For about 14 minutes after I turned the key, nothing happened. I'm pretty sure I heard lots of clanging and banging from in there, though. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
    Output: A heavily damaged cardboard box, multiple furniture pieces assembled in a shape vaguely resembling a giraffe with others strewn around the floor, [REDACTED] origami throwing stars later determined to be made from the assembly instructions. The paper stars were clocked exiting the "Output" booth for a duration of 48 seconds at speeds of up to 526 kilometers per hour and struck Prof. Wren in multiple locations, including multiple strikes to the face and groin. No serious injuries were reported.
    Yeah, can't blame you there, 914. Gotta say, though, the origami game is definitely on point. Pun fully intended. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren.
    Note: A copy of the security footage has been made available with the professor's permission for anyone who wishes to view it.
  • Test #  Fun with… cannons?!
    Input: 1 Howitzer, 1 Log, 1 Copy [of [REDACTED] paperwork]
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 Test Log Cannon, upon booth doors opening the cannon proceeded to wheel itself out. When Researcher Darby exited his control booth to examine the object, it proceeded aim itself at Researcher Darby and fire with no discernible trigger. The projectile appeared to be a small (6cm) log of compressed SCP-914 experiment logs and it exited the barrel of the cannon at a relatively low speed for a cannon. However, the velocity was still enough to put Researcher Darby in the infirmary for severe blunt force trauma.
    Note: I think I'm getting a flak vest, or maybe a suit of armor - Researcher Darby
    Note: Money changing hands due to bets made on Darby's injuries can be done outside of my testing area. -Veritas
  • SCP-914 appears to have a lot of respect for Bob Ross:
    Test 914-0527
    Name: Researcher Lombardi
    Date: 06/04/2019
    Total Items: One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.
    Note: 914 has been encouraged to do creative acts before - let's see if adding instruction helps. - Lombardi

    Input: One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: As above. The paints have been mixed to more closely match the colors commonly used by Bob Ross. The contents of the VHS has been altered to contain different episodes of 'The Joy of Painting' - all of which have been verified identical to existing broadcast episodes.
    Note: 914 has locked onto the theme at least. Now we will test if upping the setting results in a painting of the given style. - Lombardi

    Input: Output of previous test
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A VHS case formed out of the canvas, easel, and plastics of the paint containers. Case has a grayish brown color, created by mixing all of the paints together. VHS now contains episodes of 'The Joy of Multidimensional Manipulation'. Each episode depicts Bob Ross operating 914 to produce fantastical and anomalous creations.
    Ross demonstrates a great deal of skill and familiarity with the device, explaining why he places a given item into 914, along with other factors that influence its output. These include specific thoughts or visualizations in his mind, temperature and humidity levels of his studio, and amount of light shining upon 914. These explanations do not provide insight into 914's operation, as they are offered as a means to an end. Example: "I've turned it up to the 'fine' setting now. I want super-cooled fiber optic sheets, so while I turn this key I of course need to think about my grandparents driving along a busy highway discussing their taxes."
    Each episode follows a similar format:
    • Bob Ross declares what sort of creation he will be making during the show.
    • He wheels out a series of bins containing common household objects.
    • He begins refining them on various settings - frequently switching between 'very fine' and 'coarse' to create some advanced piece of work and then break it down safely into component parts.
    • Frequently he will manually combine or alter items outside of the device, usually to cause some sort of expected chemical change.
    • In cases where an output is hazardous, he has appropriate safety gear on site both for himself and for viewers. This can take the form of censoring of video or muting of audio if output contains a memetic hazard.
    • Has a similar arc to most 'Joy of Painting' episodes in that the creations seem to progress steadily towards the desired output, regress considerably halfway through the process, only to come together perfectly at the end.
    The tape contains the following episodes:
    • 'A crystalline trumpet that emits music notes of pure energy'
    • 'Anti-gravity rollerskates'
    • 'Edible stars'
    • 'A rainbow that can be molded like clay.'
    Note: Of course Bob Ross makes it look easy. - Lombardi
  • SCP-914 doesn't seem to know what to make of SCP-682... or maybe it knows exactly what to make of it:
    Test 914-0536
    Name: Doctor Sheath
    Date: 09/04/2019
    Total items: Five incomplete test logs, with the input as "SCP-682."
    Note: Don't lie, we’re all curious what would happen. Hopefully 914 can fill in the gaps for us. -Dr. Sheath

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Rough."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log, with input "Rough" and setting "SCP-682."
    Note: No, not quite, 914. Try again.

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Coarse."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "course." Included at the bottom is a childlike doodle of SCP-682 in a racecar driving along a race course.
    Note: I'm not sure it understands what I'm going for.

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "1:1."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-1" and setting "682:682."

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Fine."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log for Experiment Log T-98816-OC108/682, detailing an attempt to kill SCP-682 by throwing SCP-914 at it.

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682” and setting “Very Fine."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One piece of paper, with a cognitohazardous symbol on it. Those who look at it fall into a dreamlike state where they imagine a titanic SCP-682 ruling over something. No two dreams have been the same thus far.
    Note: The paper has been incinerated at the request of many. All I saw was 682 burning down the entire planet. Apparently I got lucky. Some researchers witnessed it eating a galaxy, others saw it killing individual family members, and at least two saw it try to seduce them.
  • Fun with quantum mechanics:
    Test 914-0540
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 10/04/2019
    Total Items: 5 Papers on Quantum Theory, 5 small balls of steel, 4 beef Ramen bowls;
    Note: Who took that last bowl of beef ramen? Also, don't ask what the point of this is because I have no answer. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel;
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Shreds of Paper and Steel fragments;
    Note: Not surprised - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: Paper, Steel, Plastic, and Ramen neatly separated along with a puddle of ink;
    Note: Again, standard coarse reaction to input. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Paper on Planetary Physics, Steel Cube, Chicken Ramen bowl;
    Note: In my opinion 914, turning a perfectly good bowl of Beef Ramen to a bowl of Chicken Ramen is regression, not equivalent exchange. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Paper describing 7th Dimension travel, Steel bull, Cooked beef Ramen, Researcher Darby;
    Note: I'm looking at myself watching me write this note…. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Animate Steel Beetle with Ramen and Plastic Legs and Paper Wings. Upon exiting output booth, it charged at Researcher Darby's control booth and forced him to enter the Input booth. Researcher Darby's Intern attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but was stopped by a burst of ink from the Beetle and the Quantum Darby holding him back. Once Researcher Darby was fully inside the Input booth, the Beetle initiated SCP-914 (on Very Fine) and managed to slip inside the input booth before it closed. When 914 finished refining, security personnel attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but instant examination of the Output booth showed that both Researcher Darby and the Beetle were gone.
    Note: It had to happen. Otherwise, we would be stuck in a paradox, and nothing gets done. I would also like my Researcher status restored, as I am Researcher Darby and not a Quantum Anomaly. - Quantum Darby
    Note: Darby, are you stealing my beef Ramen bowls through some sort of quantum shenanigans? Cause if you are, then I would appreciate if you would stop, as the Ramen is the food for my mug cat. Also, try asking Rosen if he can help you with the status problem. Also, where are you? -Intern Lunar.
    Note: Apparently I don't exist anymore, I'd tell you my location but I'm not even sure where that is. - Researcher Darby
  • An attempt at making a request is either interpreted as Reverse Psychology or flat-out denied (you never really can tell with SCP-914):
    Test 914-0548
    Name: Dr. Matism
    Date: 10/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 note reading "Don't expose me to a cognitohazard please."

    Input: Above
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Cognitohazardous symbols that when viewed, cause extreme cravings of Mexican food.

    Note: God [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] 914, you had one job! - Dr. Matism
    Note: Who the hell put that thing in the cafeteria during pizza Wednesday? Everyone starved themselves! - Researcher Danok
    Note: I just folded the pizza into a taco and put toppings on it. -Intern Lunar
    Note: Can we hire Lunar? His ingenuity is baffling. - Dr. Matism
    Note: Let him send his resume to my office. I have a feeling a position is going to open up if you keep up the level of professionalism that you currently have. -Veritas
  • Should have seen this one coming.note 
    Test 914-0552
    Name: Dr. V█████
    Date: 11/04/2019
    Total items: One toolbox containing one each of the following: A flathead screwdriver, a Phillips screwdriver, a claw hammer, a ballpeen hammer, a 16' measuring tape, a hacksaw, needle-nose pliers, vice grips, a crescent wrench adjustable to up to 2-1/2", a set of metric Allen wrenches, and a set of standard Allen wrenches.
    Note: If all goes well with this test, this will create the perfect multi-tool, suitable for any task. Then I…er, the Foundation, rather, can reverse-engineer it and market it for millions! -Dr. V█████

    Input: The toolbox.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A large, multi-limbed arthropodal creature made of plastic and metal. Its abdomen and head resembled the toolbox. At the end of each limb was the end of one of the tools. Immediately upon the "Output" booth opening, the creature attacked Dr. V█████ and smashed his head in with its hammer-appendages, killing him instantly. Security personnel moved in and destroyed the creature.

    Note: "If all goes well with this test?" He seriously said that? Since when has that ever happened with anything involving 914, especially on the Very Fine setting? I've only been here a few weeks and even I know better than that. -Prof. Wren
    Note: If he was trying to do this for profit, you could say he was being a tool. Also, yeah, don't think Very Fine is going to do what you want. -Intern Lunar
    Note: Why is the body count in my testing area on par with bloody 682's termination record? Am I not strict enough in security measures or are half of my research staff just drooling imbeciles?! - Veritas
  • Test #  Testing with painkillers has intriguing results.
    Input: One of the above mentioned vials.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Prescription Vial of 12 unmarked pills, each of which are the equivalent to the mass of two pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain Killers. Take one every 24 hours for instantaneous pain relief." D-Class testing reveals that all previous sensations that could be defined as uncomfortable are immediately alleviated for exactly 24 hours. No negative side effects have been witnessed at this time.
    Note: After having it tested for anomalous tendencies, I'm going to bring this to the lab for possible reverse-engineering. Lord knows that you people could use these. -Doctor S.

    Input: One of the above mentioned vials
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One Plastic Prescription Vial of 24 unmarked pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain. Take one every 12 hours for instantaneous pain." Within three seconds of being consumed by D-Class, subjects fall to ground screaming in agony. Within 1 hour, subjects stopped screaming due to loss of voice, but continued to roll of ground in agony for 2 more hours before being administered a "914 brand Painkiller" to test which drug is more powerful. Subjects state there was still a dull throb of pain across their entire body after being administered pain killer. A physical evaluation of subjects reveal no lingering damage to internal organ structure or bodily functions.
    Note: I guess 914 doesn't care much for "Do No Harm" -Doctor S.
  • Mixing soda and hot sauce in SCP-914 proves to be a bad idea:
    Test 914-0556
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 11/04/2019
    Items: Three 12-oz. bottles of homemade soda, 1 8-oz. container of fruit salad, 1 bag of Earl Grey tea, 1 packet of hot sauce.
    Notes: As disgusting as I'm sure that Passion Fruit-Ranch stuff 914 made a can for the other night, it did give me a couple of ideas. If these pan out, we might be able to market them on a front company for increased revenue. Or at least serve them in the break room. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 bottle of soda, 1 container of fruit salad.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One 20-oz bottle of carbonated beverage. The label shows a variety of fruit made entirely out of bubbles.
    Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. As expected, it's soda with a mixed variety of fruit flavors, most prominently apple, grape, and strawberry. Marketability level: 8.5/10. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 bottle of soda, 1 tea bag.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One 12-oz bottle of brown liquid, warm to the touch, and 2 small cubes later identified as pure cane sugar. The label shows the Union Jack made entirely of bubbles.
    Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. Basically, it made carbonated tea and stripped the sugar I used to make the stuff out entirely. Yuck. Marketability level: 1.0/10. -Prof Wren

    Input: 1 bottle of soda, 1 packet of hot sauce.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One 12-oz bottle of fizzy red liquid, shaking violently. Security footage showed the label to have nuclear hazard symbols around the edges with the word "CAUTION!!" repeated over and over in between. Bottle exploded shortly after the "output" booth opened, spraying the booth with liquid and glass shards while lodging the cap in the ceiling. No indication of NBR hazards were found; explosion thought to be caused by the liquid being superheated. Cleanup crews cleaned the "output" booth of soda spray and shattered glass without incident.
    Note: I thought this one might be a bad idea going in, but I didn't think it'd be THAT bad. Marketability level: -∞/10. -Prof. Wren
  • Test #  More fun with credit cards:
    Input: One MasterCard.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: The card appears unchanged. When used, it seemingly pays with money from a random person's bank accounts, even if they don't own a credit card.

    Input: One MasterCard.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The card appears unchanged. When picked up by Researcher Luke, it began materializing money in the output booth. During the process, a sudden drop in Researcher Luke's bank account balance was noticed and is proportional to the money created by the object. Anomalous activities ceased when the object was dropped. The object was moved to anomalous objects-storage and the money was returned to Researcher Luke.
    Note: Oh boy, one day this thing's gonna ruin my existence. -R. Luke
  • Darby and Calloway collaborate on a test. Disaster ensues.
    Test 914-0559
    Name: Researchers Calloway and Darby
    Date: 12/04/2019
    Total Items: 15 kilograms of steel, 15 capacitors, 2 hard drives, 2 notes with smiley faces
    Note {Darby}: I am missing a hard drive due to someone forgetting which way goes up in transit and breaking it. Also I have had my Researcher status restored on probation, they still don't believe I'm the same Darby that went into 914 and came out [REDACTED] years prior to that test.

    Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Darby.

    Input: 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 6 1-kilogram Steel cockroaches run by AA batteries (presumably what the capacitors transformed into), 1 control module with mini USB female port.
    Note {Darby}: I can plug this into my laptop, let's see what it does. Oooh, it controls the cockroaches. Apparently they locate nearby electronics and do something. Maybe R&D can use this or… maybe not, the cockroach just ate Calloway's laptop and is making a duplicate of itself from the mass it gained.
    Note {Calloway}: Just… keep those things away from me.


    Input: Note with smiley face
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Note; however, the smiley face has been replaced by a Soviet Hammer and Sickle. Viewing of note affects the viewer, causing them to believe they are Russian spies infiltrating the SCP Foundation. Researcher Darby was apprehended and administered anti-memetics after attempting to send Top Secret documentation about SCP-914, Site 19, Dr. Veritas, SCP-682, and others to the current Russian Spy Agency.
    Note {Darby}: Я НЕ КОММУНИСТ 914 ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ЭТО ДЕЛАЕТЕ ДЛЯ МЕНЯ! Теперь я не могу перестать говорить по-русски, и все это параноид от меня.
    Note: Someone keep him on amnestics for a while before he hurts himself, or more importantly, my equipment. -Veritas

    Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Calloway.

    Input: 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A steel device, which acts as a sort of "human hard drive", allowing the downloading and uploading of memories and thoughts via a cerebral device. Upon use on D-Class Personnel, all memories were erased, excepting those relating to SCP-914.
    Note: Nice try, 914. -Researcher Calloway

    Input: 1 note, with a smiley face drawn on it.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 note, with an anomalous symbol drawn on it. When viewed by a subject, all personnel viewing the subject will become convinced that it is SCP-096 for fifteen minutes.
    Note {Calloway}: The only reason I didn't get stuffed into a containment chamber faster than you can think is that we got a Class-D to get the test item. There were containment breach alarms going off everywhere, and we panicked, of course. Until it wore off, and we let the poor Class-D out of the containment chamber.

    Note: These tests were performed by both Researchers

    Input: 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, Note {Calloway's}
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Twisted mass of steel, copper, and paper in the shape of an Archaic rune. Study reveals that had the rune been on paper, it would have imparted a blind rage upon viewers, causing them to attempt to terminate any living being nearby.
    Note {Darby}: I did not expect 914 to fail that bad at killing us, Calloway, want to do another test with my note instead?

    Input: 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, note {Darby's}
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Metal cube with paper symbols on the sides, the symbols compel the viewer to press a large glowing button on the cube. Upon both Researchers pressing the button, it sent out a wave of energy throughout the entirety of Site [REDACTED], disabling most security and containment systems and causing a Major Containment Breach. Thankfully, the SCPs that escaped containment were drawn to Researcher Darby and Calloway and attempted to eliminate them, causing massive casualties to personnel in their way. The effect of the cube lasted for 3 hours, upon which the SCPs were contained and repairs began.note 
    Note {Darby}: I couldn't resist it, looks like my researcher status is again in question. I'm going to my roomCell until Veritas figures out what to do with me.

    Note: This was a major disaster, we had 34% of D-Class, 18% of Research Staff, 30% of my Security Forces, and my secretary killed by the Containment Breach and we still have not re-contained all of them. Thank God for fail-safes or it could have been worse. - Security Chief Brandt
    Note: Dr. Veritas' request to reassign Researcher Darby and Calloway to the mobile Site orbiting Mars has been denied. His request to reassign Darby and Calloway to the Research base in Antarctica is currently under review. - Site Director Hackett
  • 914 isn't ready to stop tormenting Darby and Calloway yet:
    Test 914-0565
    Name: Researcher Z. Larua
    Date: 13/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 note, 1 pencil
    I'm hoping I can get some insight into more direct and efficient testing if I can somehow determine what this machine has an affinity for. -Larua

    Input: 1 note that reads "What do you desire, 914?", 1 pencil
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A cognitohazardous note with "DARBY-CALLOWAY" burned into it. Upon viewing the paper, Researcher Larua began muttering "I must deliver them" continuously.

    Incident Report: Researcher was then detained by faculty staff and escorted to the med-bay for amnestic administration. Prior to reaching the med-bay, Researcher Larua had escaped and was later found in Dr. Veritas' office. He was attempting to coerce the doctor, in a monotone voice, to redact his ruling to send Darby and Calloway to Antarctica.
    Note: We've ascertained in the past that 914 isn't sentient in the past, at least not as we understand it. Starting to wonder, then, if those two aren't anomalies themselves… given how many of Darby's experiments end in stuff going KABLOOEY, I'd suggest Keter classification. -Prof. Wren
    Note: I'm not giving either of them the satisfaction, Wren. The only two anomalous things are their stupid luck and my patience. -Veritas
    Note: Fair enough, boss, but if they do another collab like this, I'm evacuating the premises and would suggest everyone else do their best to keep up! -Prof. Wren
  • Fun with music:
    Test 914-0566
    Name: Prof. Wren, accompanied by D-4884
    Date: 13/04/2019
    Total Items: One CD ("Queen: Greatest Hits")
    Note: Sacrilegious, I know, but CDs are on their way out anyway, and this copy's scratched badly enough that "Bicycle Race" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" don't even play, so what good is it really? As for the D-Class… I plan on using Very Fine today, so I'm taking precautions. -Prof. Wren

    Input: The "Queen: Greatest Hits" CD
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A new CD, "Muhammad Ali's Greatest Hits," showing a green silhouette of the legendary boxer against a yellow background on the cover art. No tracklist supplied.
    Note: D-4884 was supplied with headphones and a CD player, and instructed to listen to the album. D-4884 described it as an announcer detailing a match between Ali and George Foreman, shortly after which his body jerked violently as if struck by a hard punch. This continued for nearly █ minutes before D-4884 was terminated by a violent twist of the head focused at the jaw, breaking his neck. Analysis of the placement and timing of the perceived blows coincided with footage of the "Rumble in the Jungle" match between the two aforementioned boxers in 1974. The album is being transferred to anomalous object storage.
    Note: "Greatest Hits" indeed. Ouch. Stuff like this is why we should tread cautiously with the Very Fine setting, guys. -Prof. Wren
  • Larua isn't done probing 914:
    Test 914-0570
    Name: Researcher Z. Larua
    Date: 13/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 note, 1 pencil
    Note: I was going to test to see what this machine had an affinity for, but I was informed I already performed it. Dr. Veritas also told me not to do it again. Sternly. So instead of the prior test, let's examine what this machine is incompatible with. -Larua

    Input: 1 note that reads "What do you wish to avoid, 914?", 1 pencil
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A pencil that is completely worn all the way down to the eraser head, and one note that seems to be completely coated in graphite. Upon closer inspection with a microscope, the paper has the phrase "17 Again" written continuously from corner to corner on the front and back. When viewed at a certain angle in light, the shading on the graphite seems to display the name "NUKEA".
    Note: I'm afraid to ask. -Larua
    Note: Well, sorry. I have too many copies of 17 again. -Nukea
  • 914 doesn't grasp the concept of "peace" or "reconciliation":
    Test 914-0573
    Name: Probationary Researcher Darby
    Date: 13/04/2019
    Total Items: One Twenty-three page peace treaty covering any possible situation, One Pen
    Note: Maybe 914 will accept this - Researcher Darby

    Input: Above Mentioned
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Signed Peace Treaty
    Note: Does this mean that 914 will stop trying to kill me? - Researcher Darby

    Note: Researcher Darby was found nearly dead this morning after the Peace Treaty he signed transformed into a paper assassin and attempted to kill him. He was found by security personnel bleeding out, covered in papercuts, and suffering from poison derived from the Ink. The assassin has not yet been found and guards equipped with water guns have been assigned to Researchers Darby, Calloway, Nukea, Wren, Stan, Lombardi, and any other Researcher that has had negative interactions with 914 within the past 6 months. note  - Security Chief Brandt
    Note: My porcelain cat mug got it. I think it rolled over spilling the tea I had in it and then shredded it with its claws. I found the paper assassin's head and torso struggling to get out of the cat mug's mouth. I was going to rip it up and incinerate it but the cat ate it. If it weren't for the fact that that cat has shown nothing but kindness towards people, I would get rid of it. -Intern Lunar
  • Who?
    Test 914-0575
    Name: Junior Researcher Kenwol
    Date: 14/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 slip of paper

    Input: 1 slip of paper with the words "Please don't assassinate me"
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 slip of paper that reads "Who", that when read, every other word spoken or written becomes "who"

    Note: I who to who it who fine (Probable) Translation  - Junior Who Kenwol
    Note: Junior Researcher Kenwol was later found putting the paper in the incinerator, saying "Who"
    Note: I don't… someone get the Site Psychiatrist of Amnestics specialist for Kenwol, he's doing… something he's not supposed to do. -Veritas
  • A janitor attempts to use 914 to destroy Jeff, Intern Lunar's mug cat. 914 does not approve.
    Test 914-0580
    Name: Janitor Svede
    Date: 14/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 Mug Cat
    Note: This Cat spilled my water all across the mess hall, Ashes to Ashes and all that - Janitor Svede

    Input: 1 Mug Cat
    Setting: Rough
    Output: 1 Mug Cat, unchanged
    Note: WHAT? Is it not supposed to destroy things on Rough? - Janitor Svede

    Tests 2-68 Removed for Brevity

    Note: Maybe if I try on another setting, it will work. - Janitor Svede
    Input: 1 Mug Cat
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 Mug Cat, patterned differently from input
    Note: Janitor Svede was found crying in a corner moaning about "Mug Cats" and "The Gears were laughing at me". He has been sent to psychological counseling and reassigned to a different section of the facility. - Site Director Hackett
    Note: I oversee a testing department consisting of blubbering petty children and clumsy disasters in the shape of research personnel. I don't get paid enough for this crap. -Veritas
    Note: You get paid plenty, Lucius. Plus, I let you yell at them all you want. You can't buy that kind of stress reliever. - Site Director Hackett
    Note: Touché. - Veritas
    Note: Don't steal my mug cat, please. Its claws are comparable to ceramic knives. I've lost several mouse pads to its claws. Also, don't cry over spilt liquids. -Intern Lunar
  • Using rope in 914 leads to having a bad time:
    Test 914-0588
    Name: Dr. Matism
    Date: 15/04/2019
    Items: One 8 meter strand of hempen rope.
    Note: I'm going for an unbreakable rope.

    Input: The 8 meters of rope
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A hempen ambush noose. When approached by a human, it lunges at them in an attempt to wrap itself around its neck and strangle them.
    Note: Dr. Matism has been hospitalized due to a ruptured airpipe. Object incinerated by orders of Facility Manager ███████.
    Note: It's official, this skip doesn't like me - Dr. Matism
    Note: Your power of deduction is shocking. - Veritas
  • It continues on the very next test:
    Test 914-0589
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 15/04/2019
    Total Items: One 8-meter strand of hempen rope, one katana.
    Note: I'm testing Dr. Matism's hypothesis on his relationship with 914 while simultaneously seeing if using the same inputs with the same settings can yield different results. Textbook definition of insanity, I know, but what isn't with this thing? -Prof. Wren

    Input: The rope.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A hempen chihuahua. The dog lunged at, and bit down on, Prof. Wren's ankle upon approach; it fell to the floor and went inert upon being slashed to pieces. Further testing revealed the rope no longer contained any anomalous properties. Rope incinerated as a precautionary measure.

    Note: And that's what the katana was for. Not sure how this bodes with Dr. Matism's hypothesis, though. I mean, this wouldn't be the first time 914's attacked me (see footage of IKEA experiment for details… and laughs), but it could just be that 914 saw the same stuff as before and responded as if it were the same tester? Maybe 914 just doesn't like hemp? Either way, don't think I'm gonna be doing a three-peat of that experiment. -Prof. Wren
    I [EXPLETIVE] hate chihuahuas. Soulless bastards. - Dr. Matism
    Note: If he can bring a Katana to work, can I bring weapons to defend myself? - Researcher Darby
    Note: You're a walking disaster as it is, Darby. Wren didn't get his PhD slashing everything resembling danger up. You should be glad that Hackett took pity on you and you're not in Antarctica right now. - Veritas
    Note: Perks of being on good terms with security, Darby, even if I did have to file some paperwork to get clearance for it… and agree to let them keep the H2O-9000. They'll probably get better use out of it anyway, especially for fire control situations. EDIT: By the way… "He?" "His?" I would have thought the C-cups were a giveaway. Ah well. -Prof. Wren
    Note: Umm, now that explains a lot. - Researcher Darby
  • Well, it is an apt comparison…
    Test 914-0599
    Name: Researcher Z. Larua
    Date: 16/04/2019
    Total Items: Ice skates
    I honestly really want to see if I can get another one of those perpetual motion rods. -Larua

    Input: One pair of ice skates
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A single rod of metal, about 1 meter in length and 0.5 meters in diameter. When a D-Class was sent in to retrieve the rod, a blast of steam shot out from all openings on their uniform the moment they touched the rod. Once the steam dissipated, all was that was left was a completely dehydrated corpse. It is assumed that D-Class expired instantly upon touching the rod. Hazard personnel were called to retrieve the rod. Upon examination, the metal was revealed to be pure potassium with anomalous properties. Any water that touches the metal, the water will instantly vaporize instead of the potassium reacting. Should any biological entity touch the rod, all water within them will instantly vaporize without causing any physical damage to the body.

    Note: That went horribly… for that D-Class. This rod, however, will give me yet more interesting research to perform. I'm just happy that 914 didn't output some kind of other anomalous alkali metal that would've literally exploded in my face. I wonder how well this potassium rod would work against 682? -Larua
    Note: DON'T. From what I can tell, we don't want a contact-killing 682 from that. -Intern Lunar
    Note: Well, it already kills everything in its path. - Dr. Matism
    Note: I just realized that 682 is the SCP version of Kirby. - Junior Researcher Kenwol
    Note: A VERY ANGRY Kirby, no less. -Intern Lunar

    Experiment Logs 0600- 0699 
  • Fun with viruses (if your definition of "fun" is synonymous with "mayhem", anyways):
    Test 914-0603
    Name: Dr. Engelhart
    Date: 17/04/2019
    Total Items: A virus used by the Foundation to hack anomalous websites, stored in a USB.
    Note: I want to see what it could do to improve an already high quality virus, and what it thinks actually could be improved. - Engelhart

    Input: Above mentioned USB
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Once plugged into a computer, there are no changes of note until 5 minutes in, when every website last visited in the last 24 hours abruptly shuts down. This effect has lasted from 5 minutes, up to 10 months.

    Note: What did I really expect from SCP-914 honestly. Whelp, goodbye Reddit. - Dr. Engelhart
    Note: DAMN YOU VIRUS, it killed my favorite game site. - Researcher Darby
    Note: Excuse me? Every page from Wikipedia and Wikileaks, to Deviantart and Pixiv, to CNN and KMBC 9 News, all the way to Steam, Twitter, Apple Inc., and even two of our internal network servers got shut down within ten minutes of that experiment. I was told that Site Director Hackett threw an entire experiment log folder across the room after he heard the news. Consider yourself lucky that there were no severe containment breaches during the two hours when our network servers went down (and Site-17 was still cleaning up the mess caused by an SCP-953 containment breach attempt). Engelhart, you better fix this mess, fast. And don't expect Veritas to not revoke your testing permits. - Cleveland
    Note: Damn it Engelhart, I have Hackett yelling at me from one line and Rosen from another. I don't know what the hell you did, but you're washing dishes and cleaning testing areas until either your hair turns grey or some skip puts you out of your misery! -Veritas
    Note: This just came in. Thanks to Engelhart's computer virus, two more containment breaches occurred within the first three hours. One of SCP-4560 in Site-64; and another of SCP-1591 in Site-79. While the former only affected one individual (a D-class, no less); a systems failure in the latter caused the fallen star to brighten by 67.1 million lux, in addition to causing the disintegration of 23 personnel, five of which were research doctors. To quote Director Edgar Holman of Site-64, "We're buried under a ████load of troubles." - Cleveland
  • Test #  Professor Wren's tests with T-shirts lead to an amusing potshot at Darby's expense:
    Input: 1 shirt.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Same shirt, but now with a logo printed on it via lightly-singed cotton. The logo reads "I Survived The Darbypocalypse And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."

    Note: Testing had to be suspended for 5 minutes due to uncontrollable laughter on the part of Prof. Wren and several other staff members present at the time. Laughter was determined not to be caused by any anomalous properties of the shirt.
    Note: "Darbypocalypse"? I'm not that dangerous or destructive, right? - Researcher Darby
  • Engelhart's efforts to fix his mess lead to disappointment.
    Test 914-0610
    Note: After hours of pleading with Veritas, I got permission to run this test to try to get the servers back online. - Dr. Engelhart

    Name: Dr. Engelhart
    Date: 17/04/19
    Total items: One USB containing a virus that is used to bring websites online, in the case that we would need to bring an anomalous website online, one 100mg vial of luck, and a post it note saying, “please have mercy and don’t let me be fed to SCP-682”.

    Input: Above mentioned items.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A USB with a plastic casing, discovered to be the same mass as the vial, and a post it note with a cognitohazardous symbol that causes the viewer to be convinced that they’re being eaten by SCP-682. When the USB is plugged in, it recovers all afflicted websites, except it only works for 5-300 minutes, and then the websites all shut down again.
    Note: Since this is your fault, you’re on recovery duty. - Veritas
    Note: Still better than being eaten by 682. - Engelhart
    Note: Don't give me any ideas, I can think of worse. - Veritas
  • 914 continues to subvert expectations:
    Test 914-0616
    Name: Dr. Matism
    Date: 17/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 Class-F amnestic vial, 1 Foundation recruitment poster
    Note: I'm trying to make an "amnestic" that can rewire the brain to [make people] believe they are Foundation personnel.

    Input: Each of the above
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A substance composed of Class-F amnestics and ██████████████. When injected into a Class-D personnel, symptoms of Class-F amnestics were noticed. Soon after, the Class-D believed himself to be a Foundation recruitment poster and attempted to glue himself to a wall.
    Note: Oh. - Dr. Matism
  • Well, at least he's gracious about it…
    Test 914-0620
    Name: Dr. Engelhart (Test performed by D-18392 while communicating via walkie talkie due to injuries from previous experiments)
    Date: 17/04/19
    Total items: 5 Bottles of assorted essential oils.

    Input: The oils
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A small glass trash can with what looks like the oils inside. It also has the anomalous effect of making anyone within a 2-meter radius of the trash can vomit instantly at 3-5 second intervals.
    Note: Oh dear God I am so sorry maintenance crew for making you clean that one up. - Dr. Engelhart
  • 914 expresses its opinions through roleplaying:
    Test 914-0621
    Name: Dr. Engelhart (Test performed by D-27917 while communicating via walkie talkie due to injuries from previous experiments)
    Date: 17/04/19
    Total items: A file of all SCPs Dr. Engelhart has access to, and a DnD 5e handbook.

    Input: All of the previously mentioned items
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A Labs and SCPs 1e handbook.

    Note: I did some reading, and turns out this is one huge insult. Here are some pre-made player excerpts.
    Dr. Engelhart: An ignorant buffoon that can't for the love of God, cause a containment breach less than once per week. -3 to intelligence and -1 to wisdom. When rolling for any type of hazard they have x1.5 the chance to get it.
    M.T. Johnson: A incredible hero to all of mankind and totally still deserves a pay raise. +10 to Strength +10 to Dexterity +10 to charisma +10 to intelligence +10 to wisdom and +10 to constitution. 0% chance for all hazards to reach this hero among men.
    Dr. Calloway: An idiot that can't stop getting cognitohazards. Used to come to SCP-914 frequently but doesn't anymore due to past events there. Cannot enter 914's room because of this. -5 intelligence +1 constitution. Has a x2 chance to roll for a cognitohazard.
    Note: I think you get the idea. Still a great game if you can get past the bias and tweak a few things to even it out. - Dr. Engelhart
    Note: And then MT Johnson becomes an in-game Mary Sue. What could you expect? - Dr. Cleveland
    Note: Am I in here, let's see, aha! 'Dr. Matism: A self conscious, blubbering moron whose own ego gets in the way of his judgement. +1 to intelligence, -1 to wisdom, and -1 strength. Has disadvantage on saving throws.' Wha- no, I'm way better than that! Go to hell 914! - Dr. Matism
    Note: In the process of making me the best, 914 also made me totally unplayable. I see it's being just as helpful as always. - MT Johnson
    Note: What am I on this? A Chaotic being with immense luck? - Researcher Darby
  • Desperation breeds disaster:
    Test 914-0624
    Name: Physicist James Renwev, Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon (transcribing).
    Date: 18/04/2019
    Items: One Hydrogen fuel cell, one paper detailing a proposed method of achieving aneutronic fusion.
    Note: This is being written retroactively. Renwev conducted this test spontaneously during a minor breach of SCP-3199. Both the escaped instance of SCP-3199 and Renwev entered the room during the breach, whereupon Renwev conducted the test for defensive purposes. -Jr. Researcher Rasclon.

    Input: See above.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A detonation which dented the output door of SCP-914, flash-blinded the instance of SCP-3199 and P. Renwev, and moderately injured Renwev. After this, water began condensing on the walls of the test chamber. A mangled, burnt combination of paper and metal was found in the output chamber.

    Note: MTF arrived while the instance of 3199 was disoriented, and contained it. Current working theory is that 914 switched the paper of the research and the hydrogen in the fuel cell, causing a rapid rise in pressure which led to the hydrogen combusting. As a side note, has anyone created the SCP Foundation Darwin Awards yet? I have an entry. -Jr. Researcher Rasclon.
    Note: I'm entering Calloway right off the bat. - Veritas
    Note: It's a close call, but Xerial's Escapades of Evolutionary Expedition are just narrowly beaten by Ranwev trying to create nuclear fusion in 914. Let's all just be glad it can't do transmutation, or that might have worked. -JR. Rasclon.
  • The deadliest game… of catch:
    Test 914-0629
    Name: Dr. Matism
    Date: 18/4/19
    Total Items: One Aerobie Pro™ frisbee

    Input: The frisbee
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The frisbee, but the edges are lined with an anomalous glowing material. Testing of this item shows that only Dr. Matism can catch the frisbee. Anyone else who attempts is shattered into a pile of glowing shards approximately 2 cm3 each.
    Note: Ok, now 914 is blatantly ripping off the TRON light disk. This isn't the first time it's done something like this. Rest in pieces D-13992. - Dr. Matism
    Note: If 914 ever makes another one of these, can we have competitive disk wars? I'll collaborate with Kain to make the armor - Dr. Matism
    Note: No thanks, I choose life. - JR. Stan
    Note: The next time Engelhart causes a containment breach, I know what weapon I'm using. Did I mention I was in my college's ultimate frisbee club? - Dr. Matism
  • Jr. Guard Romanio decides to spice things up:
    Test 914-0633
    Name: Dr. Matism
    Date: 18/04/19
    Items: One air conditioning condenser
    Note: My A/C is broken

    Input: One condenser
    Setting: Fine Very Fine (Attending Jr. Guard Romanio was seen on security footage switching the setting to Very Fine)
    Output: One condenser, when placed into an air conditioning unit, the air conditioning unit produces cold water instead of cold air by rapidly condensing water vapor present in the atmosphere.
    Note: Well, there goes all my important papers. I'm coming for you with my frisbee, Jr. Guard Romanio. - Dr. Matism
    Note: This is why Veritas replaced your frisbee with a well-made replica. Good luck against those rubber bullets. - N.C.E.
    Tell that to Romanio - Dr. Matism
  • Darby causes a ruckus with alcohol:
    Test 914-0638
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 19/04/2019
    Total Items: 1365 bottles of Vodka, 230 bottles of Scotch, 47 Boxes of various teas;
    Note: I'm back and ready for business, and hopefully 914 will make something I can give to Veritas as a peace offering. Maybe if I can not blow up the facility or anything else bad, I won't get banished to Jupiter. - Researcher Darby

    Input: 1000 Bottles of Vodka
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 750 Gallon jugs of Premium Vodka

    Input: 200 Bottles of Scotch
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 200 Bottles of Irish Whiskey

    Input: 40 Boxes of various teas
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 40 Boxes of coffee
    Note: Not an improvement 914, not an improvement in the slightest - Researcher Darby

    Input: 365 bottles of Vodka, 30 bottles of scotch, 7 boxes of tea.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Upon drinking any of the output, the drinker gains a reportedly hilarious accent and actions according to the type of drink. Drinking of Vodka causes a Russian or a similar accent and actions consistent to stereotype of drunk Russians. Drinking tea or scotch imparts the same effect with the difference of either a British or Scottish accent.
    Note: I'm so glad I didn't drink any of the scotch. Also, did I complete a test without anyone dying from anything? - Researcher Darby
    Note: That Vodka was tested with a few D-Class personnel, who proceeded to attempt a revolution down in their cells, which killed two of them. I was on surveillance and saw when they broke out. They surprised two guards and managed to lock them in their cells. Then they took the D-Class that didn't drink the vodka and started accusing them of spying for the capitalists before shooting them. So no, you did not manage to run a test without casualties. - Security Chief Brandt
    Note: On another note, however, Veritas seems to like that coffee you gave him. A lot. He has gone through 5 cups. With the help of said coffee, Darby managed to avoid whatever Veritas was going to do to him by employing the "avoid eye contact and back away slowly" technique. I recommend all personnel to maintain a distance of a least ten meters from the SCP-914 testing area for the next three days or so. - Security Chief Ozark
  • Fun with chocolate bunnies and clockworks:
    Test 914-0639
    Name: Intern Lunar, Dr. Cleveland, Researcher Jane Cho, Researcher Darby, JR. Rasclon, MT Johnson, Junior Researcher Stan
    Date: 23/04/2019
    Total Items: 35 ███████ brand chocolate bunnies, 7 pocket watches.
    Note: Since Veritas has stopped twitching whenever any of us go near the testing area, we’ve starting testing back up. To start, we wanted to see scientifically whether or not 914 is capable of holding grudges, and has opinions of specific people. To do this, every test will use the same input and setting. 5 chocolate rabbits and a hand watch is the input, partially just as arbitrary complex objects for 914 to project meaning onto, and partly in keeping with the holiday spirit. Fine is the setting, chosen because it has more variance than the other options, but is less likely to kill people than Very Fine. We also have a lot of security and medical personnel on standby, due to 914’s repeated attempts on… certain researchers’ lives.

    Note: The following test was performed by Intern Lunar.
    Input: 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 chocolate dog with a watch set into it, the wrappers read “what goes tick tock woof.”
    Note: It’s a “watchdog”. - Intern Lunar

    Note: The following test was performed by MT Johnson.
    Input: 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One chocolate and plastic bunny sculpture that can be mounted on a wall. It contains clockwork components and makes bunny noises at passersby. It can also wiggle its nose and move its ears. It possesses the anomalous property that people who look at it feel amused instead of what they were originally feeling. The effect fades almost immediately after viewing of the object ceases and no after effects whatsoever have been noted. The effect is strongest on MT Johnson and does not affect Researcher Darby at all. Instead, the sculpture makes aggressive bunny noises towards him.
    Note: It’s a chocolate clockwork wall bunny that makes you feel happy. It’s good for at least briefly cheering someone up when they feel down. It’s also slightly anomalous in that it can react to outside stimulus, but that’s about it. 914 still seems to like me. - MT Johnson

    Note: The following test was performed by JR. Rasclon.
    Input: 5 chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An anomalous, semi-solid lump of chocolate and metal which is capable of slow movement. When moving, it emits faint ticking sounds reminiscent of clockwork. This mass can be controlled by the last person to have interacted with it, moving exactly opposite to how the controller intended. This was seen to be consistent among all personnel who operated it.
    Note: When Researcher Darby touched it, it immediately shaped into a form with many sharp edges and points, and began moving towards him in a hostile manner. It was easily stopped by a security guard, due to its slow speed. Darby later said the only thing he had tried to make it do was to not kill him.
    Note: This thing is really unintuitive. It’s like playing a video game with reversed controls, only with a 3-dimensional form. Still, it’s possible to control once you get the hang of it. I’d like to apply to keep and study it, after putting it through every level of hazard testing I can find, of course. -Rasclon.


    Note: The following test was performed by Dr. Cleveland.
    Note: Let's see what I would get - Dr. Cleveland

    Input: 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 pocket watch made of chocolate, and one intricate robot bunny. Testing on the former showed that while edible, the chocolate will not melt under a heat of ████K, has a Vickers hardness of 14100, and is compatible with standard pocket watch components. The latter has no anomalous properties.
    Note: That means it is brittle. Like diamond. I'll keep the bunny. - Dr. Cleveland

    Note: The following test was performed by Researcher Jane Cho.
    Input: 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 8 animate chocolate bunnies, smaller and rounder in appearance, tied to a small 5-wheeled clockwork machine via metal chains. The machine is composed of a large center wheel connected via axles to a structure with 4 legs, each with a small wheel at the bottom. While the center wheel rotates, it plays a repeating tune via a mechanism similar to a music box. The chocolate bunnies are compelled to pull the machine indefinitely and will only stop when tired. Occasionally, some of the bunnies may fall asleep while the others are still pulling the machine.

    Note: The following test was performed by Researcher Darby.
    Note: I am the last one to do this test. Hopefully all goes well. - Researcher Darby
    Note: Don’t worry, we've got 7 security guards & 3 medical doctors on standby if things do go wrong. - Dr. Clockworks
    Note: Famous last words -Intern Lunar

    Input: 5 chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.
    Setting: Fine Very Fine (The identity of the person who let Jr. Guard Romanio into 914’s testing area again is currently unknown)
    Output: One large chocolate rabbit whose eyes have been replaced by a singular large metallic gem-like protrusion with clockwork decorations. Upon sighting Researcher Darby, it charged forwards and shot beams of energy from its gem at security personnel. After dealing with the local security personnel, it proceeded to attack Researcher Darby with its claws, leaving major wounds. Reserve personnel arrived and began firing at the Rabbit, causing it to explode into liquid chocolate, leaving a large puddle of red-coloured chocolate and the gem-like object.
    Note: The energy rays produced by the gemstone, upon contact with living organisms, accelerates entropy to a point that immediately after being hit, the affected region becomes unresponsive and blackens as if from a major burn. After several minutes, if the affected region is not treated by amputation, the effect spreads to the whole body and death is observed after several hours. The gemstone has been sent to secure storage for containment and possible future study. - Medical Director Candon
    Note: Okay, so that's not how this works. Who wrote
    energy ray? Gemstones are not power sources either. That's a laser, it's concentrated light. From what the lab boys tell me, the rabbit used some sort of chemical reaction from the chocolate and used the materials from the watch to create an optical amplifier. I personally think that they're making something up because they can't figure out how it works exactly, but with 914's track record, I don't blame them. - Veritas
    Note: I knew this would happen. Veritas, can you send Romanio to Antarctica? - Dr. Matism
    Note: And you didn't warn me or your colleague? I'm not in the mood for smartasses, get out of my testing area or you'll be the one going. And it's Dr. Veritas for you. - Veritas
  • SCP-914 does not appreciate being used as a proofreader:
    Test 914-0648
    Name: Junior Technical Writer Natascha Wright
    Date: 23/04/2019
    Total Items: One halfway-corrected copy of the 914 test logs, two copies of a 6-page document detailing various grammatical rules, two dictionaries, one pair of reading glasses.
    Note: I've just been assigned to ensure that these documents conform to Foundation writing standards and guidelines. I've read enough of the logs to know that this is probably a bad idea, but it's gotta be worth a shot, right?

    Input: The copy of the 914 test logs, one grammar document, one dictionary.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A stack of paper the combined size of the three inputs. The first page is stylized to look like the cover of a standard composition notebook, with the title "Do your own work: A comprehensive list of people who answer to you." written in JTW Wright's handwriting in the designated space. All other pages are blank.
    Note: Laughed my ass off. Touche, 914. Okay, one more try. Perhaps I can get something that will at least highlight needed fixes for me? -JTW Wright

    Input: One pair of reading glasses, one grammar document, one dictionary.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A pair of reading glasses, as well as the two input documents. When the reading glasses are worn, a cognitohazardous effect causes the wearer to become incapable of recognizing any errors in written word. This effect persists for five hours after taking off the glasses.
    ntoe: screw you 914, im gonna lose a while days work thnks to you. -JTW Wright
  • Test #  A test with amnestics produces a sorely-needed result.
    Input: 1 Bottle of Class-B amnestics
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 Bottle of Class "Darby" amnestics. One dose allows you to forget the existence of Researcher Darby for approximately 1 hour. Contains 200 doses, according to the label. Bottle was given to Veritas for personal use.
    Note: And he better thank me for it. Everyone on site would love to own that bottle, myself included. -Dr. Beiderman
    Note: I don't remember why, but I wrote a note to myself to give you a raise next time we evaluate your contract. Must be a good reason. - Veritas
  • More fun with amnestics:
    Test 914-0667
    Name: Dr. Beiderman
    Date: 25/04/2019
    Items: 3 bottles of Class-A amnestics
    Note: Given the rousing success of the tests with the Class-B amnestics, I have decided to move onto something stronger. - Dr. Beiderman

    Input: 1 Bottle of Class-A amnestics
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: 1 Bottle of Class-Z mnestics

    Input: 1 Bottle of Class-A amnestics
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 Bottle of Dar-Be-Gone. Appears to have similar chemical composition to most insecticides.
    Note: Ethical ramifications of use on Darby currently in discussion with the Ethics Committee. - Dr. Beiderman

    Input: 1 Bottle of Class-A amnestics
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: [DATA EXPUNGED]
    Note: I don't remember what happened, but it was bad. 17 casualties among Site security. If anybody locates my left ear, please put it in ice so they can save it. -Dr. Beiderman
    Note: I found it in Jeff with ice cubes in him, I'm concerned that the cat can read and somehow has access to this testing log. -Intern Lunar
  • Test #  A paper person proves to be Too Dumb to Live.
    Input: Starship Troopers
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One large Origami Soldier identifying himself as "Juan "Johnny" Rico". Sadly destroyed when given a cigarette and a lighter upon asking for one. His ashes have been given to Researcher Fa Ke for burial.
    Note: He was really something wasn't he, 914 can do some cool stuff - Researcher Fa Ke
    Note: I'm unclear on why you thought giving that thing a lighter wasn't a poor idea. - Veritas
  • Fun with mnestics meets fun with alcohol.
    Test 914-0670
    Name: Dr. Beiderman
    Date: 25/04/2019
    Total Items: 3 bottles of Class-Y mnestics. One group photograph of the site-12 research team, prior to Incident [REDACTED].
    Note: Just to cover all my bases. -Dr. Beiderman

    Input: One bottle of Class-Y mnestics
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One bottle of Class-B amnestics.

    Input: One bottle of Class-Y mnestics
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One bottle containing a neon substance. Testing proved this to be a "super mnestic". It is probable that nobody who has been sprayed with this can ever be forgotten.
    Mabye we colud use tis to remember 055! - Dr. Beiderman
    Note: There is no 055, Beiderman. Have you been drinking? - Security Chief Ozark


    Input: One bottle of Class-Y mnestics, One Photograph.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One empty bottle of Class-Y mnestics, One photograph of the members of Site 12 prior to incident [REDACTED]. The photograph cannot be destroyed, and produces a memetic effect causing viewers of the photograph to have awareness of who each person present is, how they died, and why they were unusual. Dr. Beiderman has been allowed to keep the photograph for aesthetic purposes.
    Note: To those jolluy oled suols, may thay rest in peice! Godd sped, gentts! -Dr. Beiderman
    Note: If anybody would like to talk to Dr. Beiderman, he can be found sobering up in the Site drunk tank. I understand his pain, but alcohol is not the solution. That said, anybody want these two kegs of lager I confiscated from him? - Security Chief Ozark
    Note: Veritas might. -Intern Lunar
    Note: I'd rather have Beiderman's testing clearance for a while. I'm suspending amnestics testing for the time being. I'd like to avoid the scenario where we all wake up without knowing where and who we are. The only reason that I haven't kicked him out yet is previous test results. - Veritas
  • More fun with alcohol.
    Test 914-0672
    Name: Junior Researcher Stan
    Date: 25/04/2019
    Total Items: One bottle of red wine, one jar of moonshine
    Note: Doing a test to see what alcohols commonly associated with countries will result in. Not sure what the cheap wine will do, but it should be interesting. Don’t ask where I got the moonshine. - Stan

    Input: Bottle of wine
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Seemingly unchanged bottle of wine. When investigated, the label claimed that the wine had been “aged 100 yeers. (sic)” The wine appeared to have been rapidly fermented during the transformation. Samples showed that the yeasts had become toxic and the wine was unsafe for consumption.
    Note: I was hoping for an ancient Greek or maybe a French joke. - Stan

    Input: Jar of moonshine
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Seemingly unchanged bottle of moonshine. Lab testing could not find anything toxic or potentially dangerous about it. (Excluding the extremely high alcohol content)
    Note: Knowing 914, anything that is “Seemingly” unchanged is generally more dangerous than the more obvious outputs. To determine what was changed, we’re going to have a D-Class take shots of extremely powerful alcohol, because caution was thrown to the wind long ago. - Stan
    D-3568 was placed into a testing room with a table holding five shot glasses of the output moonshine. D-3568 smelled the contents of the shot glasses and became visibly more excited and willing to continue with the test. Subject was then instructed to drink one shot and showed signs of mild intoxication after 15 minutes. D-3568 continued to drink the moonshine and became further intoxicated. The subject was noted to begin speaking in a slurred southern United States accent which intensified as the subject’s blood alcohol content increased. Once all of the shot glasses had been consumed, the D-Class went on to yell and rant about the Foundation in a stereotypical “southern” accent, using many mannerisms they previously did not use. This behavior went on for roughly 10 minutes, at which point the subject vomited, attempted to sing “Country Roads”, and blacked out. After recovery, D-3568 retained a slight accent and continued use of a few mannerisms and slang.
    Note: Even though half of his arguments were ad hominems or unintelligible, he made a few good points. - Stan
    Note: The jar has gone missing. Anyone caught talking like a Texan will face disciplinary action, specifically the ones not being raised Texan. - Veritas
    Note: mah darn cat spilled that moonshine on this here keyboard, and now I need a gosh darn new one. -Intern Lunar
    Note: I got a new keyboard and it looks like the cat steals stuff. Don't leave out liquids you don't want being moved. If someone wants 25 kazoos back, tell me. -Intern Lunar
  • 914 continues to produce whimsical gadgets.
    Test 914-0675
    Name: Dr. Terren
    Date: 26/04/2019
    Total items: One handgun and a Samsung smart fridge.

    Input: One handgun
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A handgun. If fired at a person, all of their mass will be transformed into a bubble.
    Note: None of the D Class said they didn't like it. That's because they all popped before I could get their opinion. -Terren

    Input: One Samsung smart fridge
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A machine labeled “Darby Regeneration Center.”
    Note: The Darby Regeneration Center has been put in storage for now. If we want to test the Darby Regeneration Center, then it would risk losing Darby. -Terren.
    Note: Or we could see what happens using a skin sample -Intern Lunar
    Note: Absolutely not. I ran out of the stuff that Beiderman gave me and we have no guarantee that that thing won't function as a clone bay or something. I moved it to anomalous storage. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you. - Veritas
    Note: You ran out?! How did you manage that? That had two hundred 1 hour doses! It’s been two days! - Beiderman
  • Test #  Testing with the Bible has unexpected results:
    Input: 1 Bible
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The Bible. Exposure to it causes anyone who reads it to have advanced knowledge of the Catholic Church, including undisclosed Vatican secrets.
    Note: No, just no. I didn't need to know what they're actually doing with the Notre Dame money. - Dr. Matism
  • Using the Dar-Be-Gon has unanticipated consequences.
    Test 914-0679
    Name: Researcher Festiv
    Date: 25/04/2019
    Item: One note reading "what happened to Darby?"
    Note: We used the Dar-Be-Gon on Darby after realising that if he does die for good, we can just use the Darby Regeneration Center. When we sprayed him with it, he just dissipated into thin air; this is to see if we can get a response from 914 as to what happened to him. Not expecting much, though… -Researcher Festiv

    Input: The note
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Extremely faded Product Recall notice for "Dar-Be-Gon", on the back of the notice was a drawing of 914's dial switched to very fine
    Note: Okay… I'll go grab it - Researcher Festiv

    Input: "Dar-Be-Gon"
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: "Dar-Be-Ceen", when Researcher Festiv picked up the bottle, it was yanked out of his hands by an unseen force and proceeded to release its content in the air, creating a cloud of cleaning solution. When the cloud cleared, it revealed Researcher Darby standing there holding the bottle and covered in chemical burns from the extreme acidity of the reaction between "Dar-Be-Ceen" and "Dar-Be-Gon". Researcher Darby was sent to the ICU for chemical burns and the "Dar-Be-Ceen" has been destroyed.
    Note: I don't know what was in that "Dar-Be-Gon", but I couldn't touch anything, say anything, or interact in any way. It's like I was a ghost but I couldn't haunt anyone, I think I may need some personal time after that. - Researcher Darby
    Note: I suggest in the future we refrain from actively murdering researchers just because we have an untested machine we think will clone them. -Lombardi
    Note: I have to agree with Lombardi on this one. At this point I am going to run out of "914 Brand Pain Killers" to give Researcher Darby and I don't entirely know if they are non-addictive. -Doctor S.
  • 914's feelings about Professor Wren may not be entirely wholesome:
    Test 914-0681
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 26/04/2019
    Total Items: 5 ███████ brand chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.
    Note: Seemed like a neat experiment, thought I'd see what my results were. -Prof. Wren

    Input: All of the above.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A small clockwork octopus.
    Note: Upon the booth opening, a number of long, thin chocolate "tentacles" erupted from the device and attempted to ensnare Prof. Wren. She responded by smashing the device under her heel, stating that she'd "seen enough hentai to know where that was going" before doing so. Upon its destruction, the device erupted a sizable quantity of chocolate all over her.
    Note: Dr. Veritas, I am formally requesting deletion of the security footage of this test and amnestics for anyone who saw it. Also, a towel. -Prof. Wren
    Note: Way ahead of you, Wren. - Veritas
  • Your guess on how this happened is as good as ours:
    Test 914-0685
    Name: Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon (thrice), D-3127
    Date: 26/04/2019
    Items: Two iron cubes, measuring 3cm on each side. JR. Rasclon (twice).
    Note: This is an experiment I've been itching to try. I want to test the projection of ideas into 914's input, and how that differs from placing objects in it. I'll start with generic, meaningless objects for now. -JR. Rasclon

    Input: One iron cube, mental image of iron cube projected by D-3127
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One iron sphere, of the same mass and volume as the cube. D-3127 reported their mental image changed into a sphere as well, without being told of the physical result prior. They also reported a feeling of mild nausea due to this.
    Note: So far, it seems that the image will change in the same way as the object, at least on 1:1. Let's test on higher settings. -JR. Rasclon

    Input: See previous input.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One iron sphere, of the same mass and volume as the cube. D-3127 reported a feeling of distress and an inability to discern between cubes and spheres, with all cubic objects in their sight and mind appearing as spheres. This effect was neutralised by amnestics.
    Note: Fine seems to have made additional "improvements" to the mental image of the cube, rather than the cube itself. Interesting. Tentatively going for Very Fine next. -JR. Rasclon

    Note: The next test happened spontaneously after the dial on 914 was set to Very Fine. Both the input and output emerged simultaneously from their respective booths. JR. Rasclon from up to this point in the test will now be referred to as Rasclon 1.
    Input: Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon, hereafter referred to as Rasclon 2. Rasclon 2 was unable to keep their balance and began to crawl away from 914, seemingly repelled from the object by some kind of force.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon, hereafter referred to as Rasclon 3.
    Note: What? -Rasclon 1
    Note: .niaga siht ton ,sdog hO Translation  -Rasclon 2
    Note: To reiterate, what? -Rasclon 1
    Note: Rasclon 3 proceeded to grab Rasclons 1 and 2, and shove them both into 914, stating "Not explaining, you'll figure it out when you're me in about 30 seconds."
    Note: ?!tahW ?tahw -ni tahW Translation  -Rasclon 2


    Input: Rasclon 1.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Rasclon 2.
    Note: Once 914 was activated, both Rasclons 1 and 2 disappeared. Rasclon 3 later admitted herself to the infirmary, giving the reason "Cause and effect is fucked and I have a migraine." Due to the absence of an acting researcher, the remaining test was suspended indefinitely. Rasclon 3 will now return to being referred to as Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon.
    Note: 914 reversed my direction of travel through time. Twice. Is putting living organisms through 914 still an issue if I'm doing it to stop the timeline from screwing itself? You know what, I don't care. The consequences of my - do they count as actions? The possible consequences of my maybe-actions can find me in the infirmary, but I maintain that everything I did was temporally necessitated by 914. Time travel is bullshit. -Rasclon
  • Test #  Professor Wren continues with her musical experiments:
    Input: 1 guitar, 1 amp.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A large chest colored like the Stratocaster. Chest is kept shut by a combination lock styled after the amp's control knobs. Upon being opened, a DVD labeled "Sing, Cover, Perform" was found inside. Analysis of the disc found an anomalous property wherein a purely instrumental version of whatever song the person who presses Play is thinking of at the time will start, complete with on-screen lyrics as needed. Additionally, whoever induces the anomaly will find themselves compelled to sing the song in question; no improvements in singing ability have been documented.
    Note: Good lord. Compulsory karaoke… I honestly don't know whether to be pleased or mortified. -Prof. Wren
  • A bout of tabletop maschochism:
    Test 914-0692
    Name: Researcher Gailen
    Date: 27/04/2019
    Total Items: Three copies of the D&D module Tomb of Horrors 3.5th edition.
    Note: I finally made some more testing time. Also, I request that the guards be equipped with water guns and the water gun sniper rifle from a previous test in the case of the module animating into a paper gargoyle or something like that. -Researcher Gailen

    Input: One Tomb of Horrors module
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One Tomb of Annihilation module

    Input: One Tomb of Horrors module
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One origami figurine of each species of monsters in the Tomb of Horrors, excluding Acererak, made from the pages of the module.
    Note: Requesting to keep all of these, the attention to detail is amazing and I'd like to use them in an actual campaign if possible. -Researcher Gailen

    Input: One Tomb of Horrors module
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Upon the output booth door opening, an animate origami recreation of Acererak the Demi-Lich from the Tomb of Horrors module emerged. The figure began laughing maniacally before raising its hands and drawing in every piece of paper in the room towards itself, absorbing them upon contact. Security personnel in the room began shooting it with water guns, causing visible damage to Acererak. The figurine, estimated to be 1.5 meters tall at this point, turned towards the guards and began turning pieces of paper into several slivers of paper, which were then hurled at the guards and Researcher Gailen before being shot in the head by a guard using the water gun sniper rifle. Minor paper-cuts were dealt to 3 Security Personnel and Researcher Gailen.
    Note: Acererak's quest for knowledge spanned to this world as well, albeit momentarily. A terrifying thing to behold even if it's only paper. Also, ouch. -Researcher Gailen
  • Another nerdy researcher has a round with 914.
    Test 914-0695
    Name: Dr. Artium
    Date: 29/04/2019
    Total Items: One copy of "Borderlands", One copy of "Borderlands 2", One copy of "Tales From the Borderlands", Three ███████ brand laptops
    Note: It has been a while since my last test with 914. I decided to continue with a similar string of tests involving video games with multiple random and different items to test possible 914 outputs. - Dr. Artium

    Input: One copy of "Borderlands", One ███████ brand laptop
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: An small animate figure of the character "CL4P-TP"; upon exiting the output booth, it greeted Dr. Artium by saying "Hello Traveler!!" it then proceeded to speak with Dr. Artium for two minutes before deciding to dance. Upon further examination of the output booth, several components of the original laptop have been left apart, most likely considered by 914 to be unnecessary.
    Note: With permission, I would like to keep this with me in my office for reasons of testing, excitement, and to maintain everyone's sanity. -Dr. Artium
    Note: Artium, I'm telling you what I tell everyone. You can keep it, but don't complain when that thing starts shooting up your office on day 19. - Veritas


    Input: One copy of "Borderlands 2", One ███████ brand laptop
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A mask resembling the face worn by the main antagonist of the game, "Handsome Jack". Like the last test, upon examination of the output booth, there were multiple extraneous computer parts belonging to the original laptop.
    Note: Jack was always my favorite video game villain, neat. Request to keep this in my office after examination of potential anomalous abilities? -Dr. Artium
    Note: Read above. - Veritas


    Input: One copy of "Tales From the Borderlands", One ███████ brand laptop
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A replica and seemingly working version of the "Echo Eye" used by the character "Rhys" throughout the game. Strangely though, there was also an unfinished prosthetic arm belonging to said character.
    Note: My colleagues, it is my intention to test this "Echo Eye"; however, I intend on being the subject. While this may seem unprofessional, I believe that the possible abilities that one could gain from the device makes it far too dangerous to implant into a D-Class subject, I have learned my lesson from the punch. I will write a report on the effects and abilities as soon as I can. -Dr. Artium
    Note: Two hours after the conclusion of Doctor Artium's tests with 914, the "Echo Eye" was implanted into his left eye. Over the course of two weeks, Dr. Artium has made significant progress in running tests on the potential benefits of this new technology. However, as of ██/██/██, Dr. Artium said that he has started seeing the character "Handsome Jack", most notably from the second game in the "Borderlands" franchise.
    Note: I will admit it has been a surreal experience so far, especially now having Handsome Jack in my head. Surprisingly, I am able to at the very least tolerate him, and he has been some help in recalibrating the eye when a small error occurred. For right now, I have no intentions of removing the "Handsome-AI" from the "Echo Eye". -Dr. Artium

    Experiment Logs 0700- 0799 
  • Fun with poetry:
    Test 914-0727
    Name: Dr. Tanger
    Date: 01/05/2019
    Total Items: Three copies of Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein.
    Note: I want to see if 914 understands simple poetry. If it does well on this test, we might move on to more advanced writing. - Dr. Tanger

    Input: One item mentioned above
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One copy of It's Raining Pigs and Noodles by Jack Prelutsky

    Input: One item mentioned above
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One copy of The Foundation's Follies by Alexander Tanger, detailing the major failures of the Foundation in poetry form.
    Note: Why is this machine trying to get me fired? - Dr. Tanger

    Input: One item mentioned above
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A plain-looking paperweight / That changes the linguistic state / Of the author to write / Anything that they might / In a poetry form that they hate.
    Note: A break is what I need now / If Veritas would ever allow / 914 has me done / So I have to run / Limerick poems are horrible - wow. - Dr. Tanger
  • Dr. Clocks decides to experiment with literature:
    Test 914-0729
    Name: Dr. Clocks, D-07431
    Date: 01/05/2019
    Total items: Five copies of Macbeth
    Note: Due to the whole 'cursed' nature of the aforementioned play, I've naturally sent a D-Class in for cover, just so I don't turn into another Darby. -Dr. Clocks

    Input: One copy of Macbeth
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Lumps of leather alongside piles of shredded and burnt paper.

    Input: One copy of Macbeth
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One standard white paper cup filled with a reddish type of liquid. Chemical analysis shows it to be a sample of 'bad luck'.
    Note: This is exactly what I was expecting with this test. Let's just hope it doesn't get any worse. -Dr. Clocks

    Input: One copy of Macbeth
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One copy of Titus Andronicus.

    Input: One copy of Macbeth
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One altered copy of Macbeth titled 'Clocks'. Analysis reveals it to be almost identical to the original play aside from several assets being changed and the characters being replaced with Foundation personnel. Macbeth has been replaced with Dr. Clocks, Lady Macbeth has been replaced with Prof. Wren, and King Duncan has been replaced with Veritas.
    Note: Weird. I get what 914 was going for, but why am I married to Wren? I'd also like to notify that the characters 'MacDonald' and 'The Thane of Cawdor' have been replaced with Researcher Darby and Dr. Nukea. Both of whom have been killed off in the play beforehand. -Dr. Clocks

    Input: One copy of Macbeth
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Three miniature models of what appeared to be witches made entirely out of paper and slight traces of leather. When Dr. Clocks approached them, they yelled out 'Hail thee, █████ Clocks, Senior Researcher.', 'Hail thee, █████ Clocks, Site Director.' and finally 'Hail thee, █████ Clocks, Foundation Administrator here on out!' before being immediately being terminated by security personnel.
    Note: No, just no. I've already had a rough day, so no. -Dr. Clocks
  • 914's latest gadget has a high affinity for faces:
    Test 914-0737
    Name: Researcher A. Drossnote 
    Date: 05/05/2019
    Total items: One VR headset, several high quality tablets, and a graph paper drawing of a 'protogen'.

    Input: Aforementioned items.
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: A black, somewhat triangular object that attached itself to R. Dross after an attempt to remove it from the output booth. The object promptly turned on, displaying what appeared to be the eyes, mouth, and nostrils of the protogen.
    No adverse effects observed during and after attachment.

    Note: Despite efforts by medical personnel to get the visor off, it cannot be removed. Further attempts are discouraged, due to it now being R. Dross's face.
    Note: Researcher A. Dross retains the ability to breathe, eat, and see through anomalous means. Additionally, emotions such as anger and sadness display emoticons on the visor.
  • Darby returns and has wised up... somewhat. Unfortunately, 914 perceives precautions against its shenanigans as a dare to take them up a notch.
    Test 914-0740
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 07/05/2019
    Total Items: Six Boeing 737 jet engines
    Note: I obtained military grade blast shields, so hopefully if things go wrong, I will not get hurt - Researcher Darby

    Input: One Boeing 737 engine.
    Setting: Rough
    Output: One mangled and scorched Boeing 737 engine.

    Input: One Boeing 737 engine
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: Several piles of engine components and a bucket of fuel.
    Note: Did I forget to flush the fuel from the engines? Well, it's too late at this point anyway. - Researcher Darby

    Input: One Boeing 737 engine
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Two Rolls Royce engines.

    Input: One Boeing 737 engine
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One liquid fuel booster (bell nozzle).

    Input: One Boeing 737 engine
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Steel mannequin dressed in heavy plate armor reminiscent of medieval German armors. Mannequin is armed with several blades arrayed around its body and is posed as if to ambush whoever enters the booth.
    Note: Thankfully, it is not animate, I don't think there's enough Security Personnel to contain it if it was. I do like that it is completely anatomically correct, it even has fuel for blood. - Researcher Darby

    Input: One Boeing 737 engine
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Seven miniature jet fighters that, upon SCP-914's output door opening, flew out and attacked Researcher Darby to no effect due to crashing into Researcher Darby's blast shield. Inside the output booth, 13 more planes were found. They seemed inoperable until Researcher Darby attempted to collect them, upon which they self-destructed, fracturing several bones of both Darby and surrounding security personnel.
    Note: I think maybe I'll try something simpler next time, like a teddy bear, or a log. That can't possibly hurt me, right? - Researcher Darby
    Note: The log (if wood) would probably explode giving everyone splinters, and the bear probably would find some magical way to hurt someone. Why not try a mug? It couldn't be that bad, right? -Intern Lunar
    Note: What about a plastic bottle full of oxygen? Surely that couldn’t harm Darby if it was refined… right? -Dr. Clockworks
    Note: Darby got really lucky this time. Normally such an outcome would result in at least one death. - Dr. Cleveland
    Note: I'm glad that you are taking more precautions towards your safety, Darby. This should be an example for everyone and will definitely help with lowering the amount of pain killers I've been prescribing to this research unit. -Doctor Starr.
    Note: Darby, maybe a battery next test. It might make something compatible with this stupid thing on my face. - Researcher A. Dross.
    Note: Oh. Darby's back. Fantastic. - Veritas
  • Yet more fun with alcohol:
    Test 914-0753
    Name: Dr. Mensa
    Date: 09/05/2019
    Total Items: 3 crystal wine glasses
    Note: These were expensive, this better be good. -Dr. Mensa

    Input: 1 Wine Glass
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: 1 crystal pint glass
    Note: the “pint” glass is considerably smaller than a regular pint glass -Dr. Mensa

    Input: 1 Wine Glass
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A crystal statuette of a sobbing boy.
    Note: Despite the terrible pun (whining), the statuette itself is quite exquisite. Permission to keep it in my office? -Dr. Mensa
    Note: Granted. You have a weird taste in decoration, Mensa. - Veritas


    Input: 1 Wine Glass
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Unchanged. When D-23546 went to retrieve the glass, she immediately started acting like she was intoxicated. Proceeded to attempt seducing Dr. Mensa, who was visibly uncomfortable. Upon guards attempting to retrieve D-23546, she became very agitated and attempted to attack a guard, after which she was terminated. Output was later moved to anomalous item storage.
  • Fun with gemstones:
    Test 914-0769
    Name: Researcher Jane Cho
    Date: 12/05/2019
    Total Items: 0.1kg arkose sandstone, 0.1kg shale, 0.1kg limestone, 0.1kg chert, 0.1kg laterite, 0.1kg anthracite coal
    Note: I'm putting the same things in again, but this time on Very Fine. I’m only putting in one tenth of what I put in last time because it might get dangerous. Also, I’m having D-99823 take care of the output, just in case. - Jane Cho

    Input: Arkose sandstone
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A roughly octahedral mass of arkose sandstone that is capable of vocalization. The sandstone proceeded to engage in a conversation (recorded below) with D-99823 before being taken out of the output booth by security personnel.
    [BEGIN LOG]
    Sandstone: Hello!
    D-99823: Aah!
    Sandstone: I’m Sandy!
    D-99823: Oh. (To security guards) It’s a talking rock. I think it’s safe.
    Sandstone: I come from the planet of SAND!
    D-99823: Uh… Actually, you were made by this clockwork machine.
    Sandstone: I’m Sandy!
    D-99823: Huh?
    Sandstone: I come from the planet of SAND!
    D-99823 pauses for a few seconds, and then proceeds to take the object out of the output booth.
    Sandstone: (At 110 decibels) SAND!
    D-99823 became stunned by this and was unable to take the object out of the output booth. Security staff was able to remove the object successfully via use of earplugs. Object currently in storage.
    [END LOG]
    Note: Apparently, the 4 phrases it vocalized during the incident are the only things it can say. Object presumed to be not sentient. - Jane Cho

    Input: Shale
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A rectangular object with a small circular cavity on one side and a similar sized circular protrusion on its top. Touching the circular protrusion causes light to be emitted from the cavity. When projected onto a canvas, it shows real-time footage of shale being formed.

    Input: Limestone
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The same limestone, however with the words “SUPER LIMESTONE” engraved onto it. All subjects viewing it will be persuaded that it is superior to all other limestone, and will praise it for being high-quality.

    Input: Chert
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A levitating toroid made of silica. When in the vicinity of a rock composed of >90% silica, the object will emit a beam of light and attempt to destroy it. All attempts are unsuccessful.
    Note: Thank goodness I wasn't in there when it came out of the output booth. That thing shot at my phone while being carried away because of the amethyst bunny keychain. - Jane Cho

    Input: Laterite
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A small ruby on a dark red pedestal. Upon being removed from the pedestal, the ruby emitted a bright flash of light, and caused all personnel on-site to compliment Intern Lunar whenever they were in his vicinity. This effect lasted for 5 hours.
    Note: I have a feeling that I’ve seen this one before. Also, I duct-taped the ruby to the pedestal and put it in a box so it doesn’t activate again. - Jane Cho
    Note: Those that gave me gifts can take them back now if you want. I don't think I should have a Level 3 access card. -Intern Lunar


    Input: Anthracite coal
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Very fine coal powder
    Note: Wait, what? - Jane Cho
    Note: 914 going literal, huh? The world has gone mad. - Veritas
  • Darby cannot even experiment with teddy bears without nearly getting killed by 914!
    Test 914-0777
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 15/05/2019
    Total Items: 511 teddy bears
    Note: My tea tasted really fishy this morning, so when I’m done with this I’m going to the infirmary. Luckily I found five-hundred eleven teddy bears so I have something to experiment with. - Researcher Darby
    Input: One hundred teddy bears
    Setting: Rough
    Output: A pile of cotton fluff and ripped fur completely filling the output booth.
    Note: A teddy bear holds a surprising amount of fluff inside. - Researcher Darby

    Input: One hundred teddy bears
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: Neatly separated piles of Cotton, folded sheets of fur, and plastic components.
    Note: That pile of eyes gave me the creeps, I think it was watching me. - Researcher Darby

    Input: One hundred teddy bears
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Fifty pairs of stuffed toys in many different species, such as Lions, Tigers, Bears, Penguins, Elephants, Pigeons, Deer, Moose, Dogs, Humans, and many more.
    Note: It's like Noah's Ark in here, permission to keep a penguin, Dr. Veritas? - Researcher Darby
    Note: Fine. - Veritas


    Input: One hundred teddy bears
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One hundred polar bear stuffed animals, noticeably cleaner and of finer make than the input.
    Note: I was not expecting something like that. I would have expected a reaction like that on a setting such as 1:1. - Researcher Darby

    Input: One hundred teddy bears
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Wall of Fur A giant humanoid bear that left the output booth and proceeded to hug Researcher Darby into unconsciousness A large parasitic and animated Fur-suit that forcibly knocks potential hosts unconscious and puts itself on them. Replaces Host's skin within 24 hours and forcibly overwrites host consciousness within 12 hours. Researcher Darby was recovered successfully and the suit was sent for examination, Researcher Darby has requested that he be given amnesiacs to forget the event.
    Note: I am never going to do tests with anything fur related again and am giving the remaining 11 Bears to other personnel, starting with Prof. Wren. - Researcher Darby
    Note: Darby, how, just how, did this manage to occur. - Researcher Dross.
    Note: Where on earth did you find five hundred eleven teddy bears? - Dr. Hort
    Note: I was just lucky, I guess. - Researcher Darby
    Note: Well, that sounded like it was supposed to be an explanation. - Veritas
  • Fun (read: fiascos) with food:
    Test 914-0780
    Note: The following test was authorized after a formal request was put in from the kitchen crew.

    Name: Asst. Chef Barkley
    Date: 14/05/2019
    Total items: Five 20kg bags of various spices.
    Note: We're seeing if maybe we can use this to liven up the menu choices a bit, seeing as our site doesn't have an infinite pizza box like some locations. -Barkley
    Note: They don't actually use it there. It's an SCP, so eating from it for no reason is against the rules. - Jane Cho
    Note: Oh yeah, using the machine in an attempt to create better condiments, this cannot possibly go wrong. - Veritas


    Input: 20kg bag of cinnamon.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A 1kg statue of the Egyptian sun deity Amon, made entirely of cinnamon, wearing clothes and jewelry made from the bag. The statue possesses an anomalous quality wherein looking into its eyes compels the viewer to commit some variety of immoral acts. note 


    Note: Well that wasn't anything close to what I was hoping for. Maybe the next one will do something better? -Barkley

    Input: 20kg bag of oregano.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Five 4kg bags of oregano. No anomalous qualities or other dangers detected. Taste-testing by D-class revealed each cube to have a different taste to them.
    Note: Huh. Interesting, but not sure how well these will be received. -Barkley

    Input: 20kg bag of thyme.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: None. Testing halted for 20 minutes while attempting to assess what happened to the input.
    Note: Oh man, I'm not gonna get in trouble, am I? -Barkley

    Input: 20kg bag of sea salt
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A 20kg bag of a salt-like crystalline powder and a 20kg bag of thyme, matching the input from the previous experiment. note  The salt-like product was confirmed to be sea salt, but with an intensely stronger flavor. D-class was ordered to stop consuming the salt but refused; D-class terminated moments later after rapidly going through dehydration and desiccation.

    Note: Asst. Chef Barkley was escorted to medical for psychological screening and administration of amnestics. Remaining item and bags of oregano were returned to the kitchen staff.
    Note: Can I still punish him for something he can't remember? - Veritas
    Note: I'll talk for the main Chef for you, Lucius. Somehow, I think I'll be able to get the message across at a lower volume. - Site Director Hackett
  • In a world full of Brown Notes, having Super Senses is extremely dangerous:
    Test 914-0785
    Name: Researcher Lombardi
    Date: 15/05/2019
    Total Items: One wooden door with attached frame, one remote exploration drone.

    Input: Wooden door with attached frame
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: One wooden door with attached frame. Resulting door is square, thinner, and with a much larger surface area. Object emerged diagonally to fit within the output booth. The door reveals a spatial anomaly when opened. From the front, a darkened, metallic enclosure can be made out. When viewed from behind, no anomaly is seen.
    Note: Obviously light can reach us from the other side of the anomaly, but that is no guarantee that solid objects will be able to travel both ways. We are going to send in an exploration drone to map out the area and give us some GPS coordinates of its location. - Lombardi

    Input: One remote exploration drone
    Note: We have determined that the spatial anomaly leads to the input booth of 914. - Lombardi
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A spherical object resembling a cybernetic eye. Object is rough 30 centimeters in diameter. Both sides of the device are equipped with touch interfaces in the shape of stylized hand-prints. Testing has revealed the device grants the operator the ability to observe a volume of space centered around their location, through all sensory means. Initial tests recorded below.
    [BEGIN LOG]
    Lombardi: D-87273, please pick up the object in front of you.
    D-87273 picks up the cybernetic eye, placing her hands on the touch interface in the process.
    D-87273: Woah. I can see the entire room.
    Lombardi: Please elaborate.
    D-87273: It's like I can see and hear everything at once and it's not overwhelming — I'm inside and outside of the room at the same time. I am everywhere. Like — all of you are clothed but I see your bodies as well. I can even see inside them. Brains, guts, everything.
    Lombardi: Are you able to control where your vision extends?
    D-87273: Yeah, it's like the device is responding to my thoughts. I bet I could see this entire building if I wanted to.
    Lombardi: I strongly advise you not to-
    D-87273 suddenly shrieks and collapses, presumably from observing every memetic and cognitohazard contained within site-19 simultaneously. D-class slowly rises, babbling and showing signs of rapid body mutation. On-site security quickly terminate and incinerate subject.
    [END LOG]
    Note: The eye has been confiscated and moved to anomalous item storage. As for the remote-input door, we're keeping that contained until we determine if its utility outweighs the inherent risk, and if we would even able to destroy it without damaging 914. - Lombardi
    Note: God damn it, Lombardi, I'm already up to my neck in janitorial complaints and the Security Chief calling me daily, you just had to add the memetic containment department to that list as well. - Veritas
    Note: I see a mandatory training seminar for "Effective management of D-class" has been added to my calendar. Point taken. - Lombardi
  • 914 still doesn't appreciate being used as a job aid:
    Note: After hearing about prior experiments involving 914 producing potentially monatizeable products, the Site-19 Head of Funding, Mrs. Sally █████, ordered us to see if we can replicate previous results.

    Test 914-0791
    Name: Site-19 Accountants Lawrence and Dan.
    Date: 17/05/2019
    Total items: One post-it note, reading: "Make us something useful, 914.", one set of five 5 kilogram cubes, each made out of steel, chromium, copper, silicon and gold respectively, 5 plastic boxes containing 10 kilograms of PCBs, 5 tanks of ██-Brand printer ink, one of A4 paper.

    Input: Above mentioned
    Setting: 1:1 Very Fine, unintentionally turned past 1:1.
    Output: A rectangular device with a single red switch and a commercial printer. Upon the activation of said switch, the Site administration printing press stopped functioning. The printer printed a cognitohazardous symbol that caused those affected to slap any Foundation accountants they see, telling them to "Do their own jobs."
    Note: Printer and switch incinerated, cognitohazard ceased. Testing licenses revoked. - Veritas
Advertisement:

    Experiment Logs 0800- 0899 
  • 914 is asked to present more of its opinions:
    Test 914-0807
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 23/05/2019
    Total Items: 3 blank VHS tapes with pictures of various research personnel on the labels.
    Note: We've seen some… I suppose "interesting" is the word?… results regarding photos. Let's see what happens here. -Prof. Wren

    Input: A VHS tape labeled with a photo of Researcher Darby.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A VHS tape labeled "Foundation Daze: Seriously Crazy Pratfalls." Footage on the tape shows accidents throughout the SCP Foundation, including personnel injuries, containment breaches, and [REDACTED], all set to a laugh track and voiced over by Tom Bergeron. All depicted incidents confirmed to have never happened.
    Note: Suggest making this available to everyone, because some of these were pretty funny. -Prof. Wren

    Input: A VHS tape labeled with a photo of Dr. Veritas.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A VHS tape labeled "Dr. Veritas' Circus Calamitus." Footage on the tape shows various 914 research personnel performing multiple circus acts, such as Researcher Darby juggling knives on a tightrope, with Dr. Veritas visibly struggling in his role as ringmaster while trying to keep the acts from ending in disaster. Footage ends 23 minutes in with the circus tent bursting into flames.

    Input: A VHS tape labeled with a photo of Dr. Nukea.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A VHS tape labeled as a copy of 17 Again. Footage on the tape is a continuous 5-hour "TV Color Test" overlayed with the sound of the Emergency Broadcast System.
    Note: What surprises me about this is exactly how unsurprising it is. -Prof. Wren
  • 914 gets to work on electric fly swatters, with amazing results:
    Test 914-0810
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Total Items: 3 electronic fly swatters, designed to run on 4 AA batteries.
    Note: For those who don't know, these are basically bug zappers shaped like tennis racquets. [REDACTED] was having a clearance sale on them, so I figured, why not? For all we know, this might wind up creating something that can kill SCP-682 or something. -Prof. Wren

    Input: A swatter.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: At first glance, an unaltered swatter. Switching it on, however, causes the head of the swatter to glow blue and produce a low hum, producing varied noises when swung or switched off. D-class testing the device expired touching the head against orders and suffering a fatal electrical shock. Device instantly switched off afterwards due to the batteries being drained.
    Note: What he thought was going to happen from touching what was effectively the blade of Maria Sharapova's lightsaber is beyond me, but I guess this is why we have these guys. -Prof. Wren

    Input: A swatter.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: The same swatter, but with the wires forming the "strike zone" of the head missing. Objects passing through the now-empty hoop while it is active are exposed to a localized electromagnetic pulse contained completely within the "strike zone." EMP is strong enough to completely destroy unprotected electronics.
    Note: Well, that's just useless. Okay, time to wrap this test up with a VF run. Heads up, everyone. -Prof. Wren

    Input: A swatter.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A "swatter-drone" with 2 wings comprised of the head split down the middle (forming 2 full heads at half thickness) and attached to the handle. Drone hovers in the air via electromagnetic propulsion. Drone appears to hover in place, moving only when pushed, unless a flying insect enters within a vicinity of approx. 20 meters of it, at which point it will fly directly at the insect at a clocked air speed of 35 km/h and slap its wings together, electrocuting the insect and reducing it to ash. Wings are otherwise safe to the touch. D-class suffered 3rd-degree facial burns during testing when a gnat landed on his nose.
    Note: This will be handy if we can just get it to quit swatting bugs while they're on people. Sweet. -Prof. Wren
    Note: As of time of writing, the drone has remained in air for 7 hours 43 minutes; means of the batteries producing the power for this not yet known, likely an effect of running the batteries through on the "Very Fine" setting.
    Note: Due to its method of levitation, the floor of SCP-914’s testing chamber is now heated to over 100 degrees Celsius. Object has been deactivated and put in anomalous storage. Personnel are prohibited from entering the room until it cools off. - Security Chief Sedna
    Note: Okay, so that's two design flaws. My bad. Shouldn't be too difficult to install a remote on/off function directly inline with the power supply, though. Now if you'll excuse me, my ears are still ringing from getting an earful from Dr. Veritas, and I have a security manual to re-read. -Prof. Wren
  • Asking 914 to be artistic is just asking for trouble:
    Test 914-0812
    Name: Researcher Loki
    Date: 25/05/2019
    Total Items: 100 Kilograms of modeling clay, 1 bucket of yellow paint, several tubes of other colored paint
    Note: I shall unlock SCP-914's artistic talent, and then I will sell it for millions like they do for zoo animals. - Researcher Loki

    Input: Above mentioned
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Life-size model of SCP-173. Researcher Loki was transferred to the medical bay due to dangerous levels of adrenaline in his blood.
  • Fun with video game noises:
    Test 914-0836
    Date: 31/05/2019
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Total Items: 3 Casio synthesizer keyboards, 1 each of the following game consoles: Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Sega Genesis, Sony Playstation.
    Note: Been a while since I've done a musical experiment. Maybe 914'll be nice and give me something to make chiptunes with. As a precautionary measure, however, I'm having everyone present wear hearing protection. If nothing else, the PSX test may involve its startup noise, and that sucker is loud. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 keyboard, the SNES.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A 32-key synthesizer stylized in the fashion of the "Super Scope" SNES accessory. Pressing a key causes a person in the device's line of fire to hear a digitized note.
    Note: Neat, but kinda useless. If we could amplify the volume on this thing, however, I suppose it could be used as a sort of sonic weapon. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 keyboard, the Genesis.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A small spherical synthesizer, blue in color. Attempting to press any key causes it to begin to rotate 1/8" in the air, parallel to the ground. Rotation begins at 200 RPM and accelerates to speeds determined by the note pressed before dropping back to the ground and rolling away at speeds exceeding 120 km/h. Unit destroyed after colliding with the testing area door after a 5th-octave B-flat was pressed.

    Input: 1 keyboard, the PSX.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A synthesizer with an attached compact disc tray similar to that of the input console. The first note pressed during a song is played at volumes exceeding 170 decibels; effect does not repeat unless the instrument is untouched for a period of at least 128 seconds. The CD tray functions normally for music CDs, but has the same volume effect on the first 20 seconds of any song played.
    Note: D-class performing the test was terminated by a massive sonic concussive blast from the device while testing the CD tray. The shockwave ruptured internal organs.
  • Test #  Testing with a spoon leads to an obvious reference to The Matrix:
    Input: 1 metal spoon
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 bent metal spoon.
    When Assistant Researcher Erickson viewed the input booth, he appeared extremely confused, repeatedly stating “The booth is empty” and “there is no spoon”. Upon picking the object up and handing it to him, it phased through his hands. It appears that he is unable to interact with or perceive the spoon.- Researcher Graymont
  • Trying to refine cleaning supplies in SCP-914 ends disastrously.
    Test 914-0841
    Name: Prof. Wren, Assistant Janitor Wakowski
    Date: 31/05/2019
    Total Items: Five 25 liter containers of "industrial purple" multi-surface sanitizer/cleaner, purple in color with a typical "cleaning fluid" smell.
    Note: Wakowski put in a formal request a few days ago, hoping to use 914 to make something to better keep the facility clean with. While his request was denied, I've gotten him clearance to observe this test and offered to run it myself. Personally, I'm kinda hoping at least one of these goes horribly wrong so that people will stop getting the idea of using an unpredictable SCP to make their jobs easier. -Prof. Wren
    Input: 1 container.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A 25 liter container of "landfill lime" multi-surface sanitizer/cleaner, now green in color and smelling like rotting garbage.
    Note: Yeah, needless to say, this one went straight in the incinerator. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 container
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: 2 2.5-gallon containers of "agricultural yellow" sanitizer/cleaner, now yellow in color and smelling like fertilizer.
    Note: Wakowski asked that we try a higher setting, since clearly 1:1 was getting nowhere. I wholeheartedly agree; these previous test results stink in every sense of the term. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 container
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A plastic, pump-action water rifle with a 25 liter capacity, filled with the "industrial purple" solution. Pumping the handle shoots a spray of roughly 207ml of fluid over a distance of less than 2 meters.

    Input: 1 container
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A large plastic disc filled with 25 liters of the "industrial purple" solution. No means of removing the solution without destroying the disc has been found.
    Note: Well, those were kinda useless. Wakowski wanted to try Very Fine on the last one, so be warned. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 container
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A small plastic container with a plastic cap on top. Container found to contain 25 liters of the "industrial purple" solution under extreme pressure.
    Note: D-class testing the device was terminated upon removing the cap, which caused the container to explode, strike him with high-velocity plastic projectiles, and scour much of his face off with high-pressure chemical spray.

    Note: I suspect Wakowski and I are both going to get our asses chewed for that one, but hopefully this gets the point across to the rest of the Site staff. Silver lining, at least the cleanup crew got a head start on this one. -Prof. Wren
    Note: Half of the testing area walls are purple and the other half of the walls are smeared with D-21392's remains. The cleanup crew will have a head start on the job because the two of you will be doing most of it. - Veritas
  • In the wise words of JonTron: Nope nope nope nope nope nope sooooooo much nope!
    Test 914-0858
    Name: Dr. Clocks
    Date: 09/06/2019
    Total Items: Three sets of short stories written by H. P. Lovecraft

    Input: One set of Lovecraftian stories
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One altered set of stories written by Lovecraft. Writing now is more up to date, events in the book take place in more modern areas and times and leading characters are more varied with characters ranging from all sorts of backgrounds and ethnicities.

    Input: One set of Lovecraftian stories
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One stack of SCP files, each with clearance level 3. Confiscated by Dr. Veritas.
    Note: It is funny to see what 914 did here. Then again, most of these monsters that we keep locked up could definitely work in some Cosmic Horror stories. -Dr. Clocks

    Input: One set of Lovecraftian stories
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One hardback covered book. The front cover of said book depicts a language currently unknown in origin. Before proper analysis was taken into place, Dr Clocks almost instinctively removed the book from the testing area and placed it into the incinerator.
    Note: Look, we all how this would have ended. We've all read Lovecraft and we know exactly what will happen when we read it. -Dr. Clocks
    Note: Good call. - Veritas
  • 914 only respects one mannote … much to his chagrin:
    Test 914-0869
    Name: Junior Researcher Jimson
    Date: 17/06/2019
    Input: One typed note reading "Hello, 914. I have been recently assigned to work with you. I am interested in us working together as effectively as possible."

    Input: Above mentioned
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A typed, one-page brochure entitled "How to effectively work with 914". Aside from the title and some generic black-and-white graphics, the brochure is blank. A cognitohazardous effect when viewing the output causes the viewer to have the overwhelming urge to find and speak at length to MT Johnson on the subject of the intricacies and good strategies of equipment repair. Output incinerated and JR Jimson along with two security guards were administered amnestics after being escorted to the infirmary by a very irritated-looking MT Johnson.
    Note: Aside from the cognitohazard and being administered amnestics on my first test at this facility, I'd say this first test went as well as it could. On a related note, my future tests in this series will be run on settings no higher than 1:1; less chance of producing anomalous effects that way. - JR Jimson
  • Fun with literature:
    Test 914-0880
    Name: Junior Researcher Jimson, D-49918, D-49919
    Date: 22/06/2019
    Total Items: 5 old texts acquired from a local book sale.
    Note: Between cognitohazards and oil baths, I've decided using a D-class is the only smart thing to do.

    Input: A copy of the Encyclopædia Britannica Vol. 11 dated 1952
    Setting: Rough
    Output: A pile of shredded paper and book covering. Some parts appear to have been singed while others appear to be torn. No cut marks were noted.

    Input: The complete works of William Shakespeare.
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: A book titled "A Complete Anthology of Vogon Poetry". Upon retrieval from the output booth, D-49918 took it upon himself to open the book and read some poetry. Upon doing so, his brain activity immediately ceased. Book was incinerated.
    Note: While I'm curious what combination of words could possibly lead someone's brain to stop functioning, I've read The Hitchhiker's Guide and know enough to not find out for myself. I thought burning the book would be doing the universe a service.

    Input: One copy of Merriam-Webster's English dictionary
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One copy of the Oxford English dictionary.

    Input: One Physician's Desk Reference dated 1977
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Physician's Desk Reference dated 2063. Result sent for study and possible usage by the medical staff on-site.
    Note: Nice! If it's real, then that should have some new tricks to make our doctors happy.
    Note: It would be, but the text references instruments that don't actually exist, as well as some unknown anatomical terms. - Veritas


    Input: One text entitled "The Complete World of Greek Mythology" by Richard Buxton
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One ornate hard, paper box with a hinged lid clasped shut. On the top of the box was inscribed the words "Jimson's Box". A note was found next to the box that read "Do not open". Given the myth concerning Pandora's Box, D-49919 was terminated by security forces on JR Jimson's order when attempting to open the box after retrieval from the output booth. Output placed in secure storage locker while awaiting approval for further testing.
    Note: Why "Jimson's Box"? Am I supposed to open it? Is it weird that I'm very tempted to see what's inside? I'd like to request permission to study the contents of this box in a controlled setting to determine its potential value to society. -Junior Researcher Jimson
    Note: Denied. Opening something with even a slight resemblance to the mythical object sounds like a poor idea. - Veritas
  • Fun with coffee:
    Test 914-0883
    Name: Researcher Laskenta; D-46931
    Date: 25/06/2019
    Total Items: One metal mug, filled with coffee; One (cleaned) coffee machine
    Note: After a conversation with Intern Walker about coffee, where I seemed to be harsher than I anticipated, I've decided to try and create a coffee generator as a recompense. -Laskenta

    Input: One filled mug; One coffee machine
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: The mug has been welded on top of the coffee machine, and will be constantly filled to the top with coffee. If the coffee is removed without drinking it directly from the mug, it will be replaced with a sharp metal dust, as soon as it enters a human digestive system, which will result in severe abdominal pain for the drinker. The coffee machine will work as expected, but upon making coffee everybody within close range of the machine will feel a strong sense of guilt.
    Note: This will not do for the break room. I will disassemble the output. I am just happy that Very Fine didn't result in… something like 3023. -Laskenta
    Addendum: Upon separating the mug from the coffee machine, both items grew metallic limbs and attacked everybody in sight with hot coffee. Both items were quickly disabled and incinerated by security. Result held no anomalous traits afterwards. No casualties, besides first degree burns on the hands and torso of Researcher Laskenta, who separated the items.
    Note: I need coffee and a day off. Sorry Walker, maybe next time. -Laskenta
    Note: I told you it wouldn't work, and now look. You wasted so much perfectly good coffee. And we need a new coffee machine. - Walker
    Note: The one I have in my room (brought from home) will be used as a compensation in the break room until I buy a new one. -Laskenta
  • An attempt at alchemy with 914 ends the only way such an experiment could possibly go:
    Test 914-0893
    Name: Guest Researcher Dr. Alex McDermott
    Date: 01/07/2019
    Total Items: One each of the following: Honda Silverwing scooter, 2.5kg block of lead, 256oz. jar of Dr. McDermott's blood
    Note: Dr. McDermott's request only noted the use of the scooter for this test. Additional items were stowed within the scooter and were not authorized to be brought in.

    Input: The lead block and jar.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The jar, now filled with a heavy, dense, gold-colored fluid.
    Note: I've done it! The secrets of alchemy have at last been uncovered!
    Note: Jar was inadvertently dropped and shattered after the test; the fluid within it then leapt straight at Dr. McDermott, covering his body and entering through multiple pores and orifices, terminating him within moments. Autopsy revealed the fluid had returned to his arteries and become regular blood again; cause of death was determined to be lead poisoning across all of his organs. No further anomalous properties detected from within his remains.

    Experiment Logs 0900- 0999 
  • Another attempt to make coffee in 914 just leads to a series of Mind Screws.
    Test 914-0901
    Name: Researcher Laskenta; D-46931
    Date: 22/06/2019
    Total Items: Four metal mugs, filled with black tea
    Note: We had many tests lately with uncommon inputs. So I will just try to make coffee. -Laskenta

    Input: One mug of black tea.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One mug, filled with green tea.

    Input: One mug of black tea.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One metal mug, filled with water; a small cluster of tea leaves.
    Note: D-46931 and I checked if the dial was on Coarse. It was not. - Laskenta

    Input: One mug of black tea.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One tea mug, filled with metal. Result collapsed instantly. No anomalous traits detected.
    Note: Output booth cleaned by myself. The metal will be used for another mug when I got time. - Laskenta

    Input: One filled mug
    Setting: 1:1 Fine
    Output: One mug, filled with strike . The same mug with strike . The fluid in the mug can only be described as normal coffee, which it is. Result incinerated. The output was the same mug filled with strike . It is strike . The tea in the input booth was not strike  changestrike d.
    Note: I slipped on a bit of tea that I missed and accidentally turned the dial to Fine. Not describing the strike  and then using the words, was the only way to describe it. I will get myself a coffee without effects that imitate me.note  -Laskenta
  • This could have very easily turned out worse.
    Test 914-0904
    Name: Dr. Steph, D-63924
    Date: 05/07/2019
    Total Items: One copy of Nintendo's "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate."
    Note: Just to be safe, I'm having a D-Class personnel do the dirty work. -Dr. Steph

    Input: The aforementioned item.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The inputted item, but upon opening the box, proceeded to blast the D-Class personnel with an extremely bright stream of light, before quickly closing the box again. Item has been stored in anomalous storage. D-63924 suffered temporary blindness afterwards, but did not suffer any permanent injuries.
  • Communicating with 914 is not easy:
    Test 914-0908
    Name: Researcher Jay
    Date: 05/07/2019
    Total Items: Five 32 GB USB drives, each containing a single empty text document titled "SCP-914's Hopes and Dreams"

    Input: One USB drive
    Setting: Rough
    Output: One USB drive. Disintegrated upon opening of the output booth.

    Input: One USB drive
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: The text document is now titled "Jay ███████'s Hopes and Dreams."

    Input: One USB drive
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Two small pills with "914 Brand Pain" carved into it made out of metal and plastic. No anomalous effects.

    Input: One USB drive
    Setting: Fine
    Output: The document is now titled "914 Brand Dreams." The text file is presumed to contain a cognitohazardous symbol that causes viewers to enter REM sleep.

    Input: One USB drive
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The document is now titled "914 Brand Hops." The text file contains a cognitohazardous image that causes effects of intoxication in viewers lasting up to six hours.
  • Insert corny Transformers reference here 914 is more than meets the eye:
    Test 914-0909
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 08/07/2019
    Total Items: Three Transformers themed 8GB USB flash drives, each containing an MP 4 copy of the 1986 animated film Transformers the Movie.
    Note: All 3 flash drives are modeled on the Decepticon "Ravage." Each flash drive has 2 configurations; a "disguised" configuration resembling a standard flash drive, and a "transformed" configuration resembling a robotic panther. I thought these were pretty neat a few years back, but nowadays the limited storage space makes them a tad useless, so… bon voyage, little friends. -Prof. Wren
    Note: At the start of each test, each drive will be in its "disguised" configuration.

    Input: A USB drive.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: The same flash drive, now in its "transformed" configuration. Drive data altered to include MP3s of the soundtrack to Transformers the Movie. Sound quality is equivalent to that of a tape cassette.
    Note: I consider this an upgrade rather than a tradeoff, personally. -Prof. Wren

    Input: A USB drive.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: The same flash drive. Analysis shows it can now hold up to 128TB of data. Drive data altered to include MP4s of all episodes of the 1980s Transformers animated series in 7 languages. Video and sound quality are comparable to Blu-Ray.
    Note: I'll have copies available to anyone who wants one. Same with the soundtrack. Well, those were two very pleasant tests… dare I hope for a trifecta? -Prof. Wren

    Input: A flash drive.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The same flash drive. Upon the output booth opening, device switched to its "transformed" state, making a sound identified as the transformation sound from the 1980s Transformers animated series. Device attacked D-class administering test with a mouth-fired laser weapon before attempting containment breach. Breach thwarted when device was captured and destroyed by D-class. Analysis of data on drive is currently on hold.
    Note: I wouldn't. For all we know, hooking that thing up to something may just give us another shapeshifting deathbot, only with more material to work with. Still, as horrifying as the thought of creating a real-life Decepticon is, it was almost adorable watching it trying to dig through a door that had about 8,000x its mass. -Prof. Wren
  • Wait, what even happened here?
    Test 914-0910
    Name: Doctor Mayo, D-46931
    Date: 08/07/2019
    Total Items: Five wooden statuettes of Keanu Reeves.
    Note: I've been into whittling for a while and decided with all the recent love for Keanu, I'd have my hand at making some statuettes of him. I have three spare if anyone would like one. - Doctor Mayo

    Input: One statuette.
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Ash in the shape of Keanu Reeves' face spread on the bottom of the output booth.

    Input: One statuette.
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: The statuette has been converted into a wooden action figure of Keanu Reeves and dismantled. The parts were laid out from left to right as; one head, one torso, two arms, and two legs. The joints have been rounded to balls and sockets which fit snugly when reassembled.

    Input: One statuette.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A statuette of Doctor Veritas. The facial expression is stern and stands with arms crossed.
    Note: The craftsmanship on this is not half bad, actually. It really brings out the fierce look in his eyes. - Doctor Mayo

    Input: One statuette.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A statuette of an unidentified mountain range. An anomalous affect of a cool breeze is experienced when observing the statuette. All who feel the breeze immediately feel calm and collected.

    Input: One statuette.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: No change noted to the statuette when the output booth was opened by D-46931 The statuette walked to the edge of the booth and whispered something to D-46931, who immediately collapsed. An autopsy on D-46931 found that the cause of death was asphyxiation with no physical cause identified. The output has been incinerated.
  • While Test #0920 is mostly heartwarming and tearjerking, the exchange between Veritas and Hackett at the end kind of ruins the moment.
    Note: We're using my testing area for grief counseling now? - Veritas
    Note: Give me this one exception, Lucius. - Dr. Hackett
    Note: Fine, Dr. Hackett, but normal therapy for your friends next time. - Veritas
    Note: Appreciate it. - Hackett
  • Apparently, the staff has not learned from Wren and Wakowski's experiment.
    Test 914-0938
    Name: Doctor Mayo, D-39274
    Date: 23/07/2019
    Total Items: One bottle of [REDACTED] brand glass and steel cleaner, one bottle of [REDACTED] screen cleaner and one can of [REDACTED] brand compressed air.
    Note: All of my previous tests have been fairly structured with a set of identical inputs on all five settings. I'm specifically going for very fine upgrades of typical cleaning products to see if 914 will do what it has in the past and produce useful outputs. - Doctor Mayo

    Input: One bottle of [REDACTED] brand glass and steel cleaner
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One bottle of "914 brand clear view glass and steel cleaner". The output when used will cause any steel/metallic surfaces to become completely reflective as though observing a mirror.
    When used on glass, it causes the glass to be completely transparent. Any attempt to sully the surfaces of the affected materials is met with failure and is immediately reflected upon the user. The bottle and the liquid has been disposed of.
    Note: When D-39274 attempted to use a permanent marker on the glass, after a few minutes of using various markers, turned to face me with their front and face completely covered in overlapping lines and drawings. I was planning to have them attempt to break the glass and cut the steel slips, but as it would most likely result in the death of D-39274 before the experiments are concluded, I will come back once the testing is completed. - Doctor Mayo

    Note: I will be skipping the test with the screen cleaner, as I only have Foundation monitors to test with, to avoid any possible damage to the equipment, as I think it may provide a similar output to the glass cleaner. - Doctor Mayo

    Input: One can of [REDACTED] brand compressed air
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One "914 brand air cannon". The can reads: "A cannon in a can, air the nozzle at the offending dirt and watch it be blown away" The plastic straw used for the normal airflow has been shortened and widened to 5cm in diameter. The testing area was cleared apart from D-39274, who was instructed to fire at a target set up across the room. When D-39274 fired, they were visibly blown backwards and the air pressure in the room was recorded at 12.79 PSI. When the can was retrieved from the remains of D-39274, it was found to still be weighted as though it could be used more than once. The can has been put into secure storage and the maintenance team are working to remove the embedded target fragments from the wall.
    Note: As the final test resulted in the death of D-39274, I will not be completing the test of destroying the glass and steel slips used in the first set of testing, and placing them into anomalous storage. - Doctor Mayo
  • Darby isn't even testing anything, and still manages to cause chaos.
    Test 914-0941
    Name: Researcher Dan
    Date: 23/07/2019
    Total Items: One airline ticket for Researcher Dan to Hawaii, seven blank airline tickets
    Note: This is not duplication for personal gain, it's merely a work field trip for the broke. - Researcher Dan

    Input: Above
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Several small economy airline tickets from Site ██ for Researcher Darby. When Researcher Dan attempted retrieval, they folded into paper airplanes reminiscent to C-130s and attempted to escape containment. Four were captured by staff, two were shot by onsite weapons, namely the H20-9000, and one escaped retrieval by entering the air vents and has presumably escaped.
  • 914 tries its hand at sports:
    Test 914-0952
    Name: Researcher Laskenta; D-40049
    Date: 09/08/2019
    Total Items: Four table tennis bats; Two table tennis balls
    Note: Junior Researcher Kai and I were talking about table tennis and the physical performance of its players the other day, hence the input of this test. -Laskenta

    Input: Two table tennis bats; One table tennis ball
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A figure representing a plump generic Chiroptera (bat) mostly made out of wood with chunks of celluloid.
    Note: If one instance of SCP-504 were to be placed between me, the last test result, and SCP-914, could it even choose? -Laskenta

    Input: Two table tennis bats; One table tennis ball
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The same two bats, small missing pieces of red paint. The ball has been coloured with the paint of the bats to represent a tomato. Upon opening the output chamber, all items slowly floated to the center of the room to start a match of table tennis. The ball ricocheted between the bats and where a ping-pong table would have stood; the bats flew around as if they were held by two humanoid players with unnaturally high speed, strength, and constitution. The speed of the ball reached a peak of ~245km/h. After 46 minutes and 33 seconds, the match ended with the ball being shot in the direction of the security camera with a speed of ~220km/h. This resulted in the total destruction of the ball and the armoured camera. The bats fell directly to the ground after the ball was destroyed. Results held no anomalous features afterwards.
    Note to Dr. Veritas: My last pay check and the bill, which already went through accounting, lies on your desk at top of the second "Accidents" pile. -Laskenta
  • Test #  Bohemian Rhapsody gets taken up a notch.
    Input: The third album, Queen's A Night At The Opera.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Seemingly unchanged album of A Night At The Opera with the anomalous effect of causing anyone within a 7-meter radius to repeatedly ram their heads on the closest surface during Bohemian Rhapsody's hard rock section. Researchers within its radius began to complain about sore necks and headaches.
    Note: I almost threw up after writing this. I don't know whether to incinerate this or keep it to prank people, but I am NEVER doing that again when I'm within this thing's radius. - Assistant Researcher Takahashi
    Note: I was passing through the hallway when I heard Bohemian Rhapsody and decided to sing along. Then, I got the worst case of whiplash the medical team has ever seen throughout their tenure at this Facility. If I ever get my hands on that vinyl when I'm back from medical leave in a week, I will give your room an SCP classification with that played on loop. - Junior Researcher Kai
  • "Terrible testing idea" is probably an understatement:
    Test 914-0957
    Name: Dr. Steph
    Date: 16/08/2019
    Total Items: One cardboard box, 30cm long, 20cm wide, and 25cm high, with a note attached that reads "Schrödinger's cat."

    Input: The aformentioned items
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A cardboard origami cat, with the same mass as the inserted box. Note is crumpled up next to the cat. When picked up, it has a 50% chance of instantly killing the person who touched it via cardiac arrest. The cardboard cat killed two guards, but left Dr. Steph alive. Item was collected by D-Class personnel and later incinerated.
    Note: Dr. Steph is temporarily suspended for gross incompetence, and has 14 days to think about what constitutes as a terrible testing idea. - Veritas.
  • Test #  This serves as a reminder that the D-Class personnel tend to be Too Dumb to Live, even without being prodded into lethal situations at gunpoint:
    Input: One trident
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One trident, capable of absorbing minute amounts of bioelectricity within the body and redirecting it as static electricity between the spikes

    Note: One of the D-class who tested it tried to use too much of his own bioelectricity in an attempt to charge and attack the security personnel before suffering from cardiac arrest. This serves as a reminder that your heartbeat is partially controlled by bioelectricity. - Junior Researcher Kai note 
  • 914 tries to write erotic Self-Insert fiction. Hilarity Ensues (along with copious amounts of Brain Bleach).
    Test 914-0964
    Name: Intern Walker
    Date: 20/08/2019
    Total Items: Three copies of SCP-914's file

    Input: SCP-914's File
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A file describing one 'Clockwork-chan'
    The file describes a tall, Caucasian female with orange hair and red eyes. She has no booths, instead her mouth [DATA EXPUNGED]. She is described as being snarky, and playing pranks on the researchers that operate her. She is described to have a crush on Maintenance Technician Johnson, and enjoys torturing Researcher Darby, perhaps out of spite. The testing logs seem to have remained the same, save for additional dialogue and [DATA EXPUNGED]
    Furthermore, the character [DATA EXPUNGED]

    Tests 2 and 3 were canceled with extreme prejudice by order of Dr. Veritas, Dr. Hackett, and the Ethics Committee.

    Notes from various personnel:

    Note: I just read some of the testing logs. Yes, they are similar to the real logs, but it felt like I was reading [REDACTED] instead of an official Foundation document. I think I'm going to enjoy burning this to ash. - Intern Walker
    Note: I read through some of the logs in my free time. I'll be back after getting my hands on as many amnestics as possible. Afterwards, I'll join Walker in burning those cursed texts. - Dr. Steph
    Note: I'll personally see to it that every trace of this is destroyed. Failure to cooperate in voluntary amnestic administration will result in termination. - Veritas
    Note: I've already burned it, sir. I'll gladly take an amnestic, though. - Intern Walker
  • 914 is not above engaging in slapstick:
    Test 914-0965
    Name: Junior Researcher Kai, D-90313
    Date: 22/08/2019
    Total Items: Sixteen feather dusters of █████████ brand, one note with "Be creative!" written on it

    Input: Sixteen feather dusters, one note
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One tightly-compressed ball of feathers and one equally-sized plastic sphere
    Note: D-90313 picked up the ball of feathers and began laughing and shivering slightly. She later described the experience of being "tickled all over the body by feathers" while holding the ball. After picking up the plastic sphere, D-90313 yelled out loud and dropped the ball. When questioned, she claimed to have felt a "sudden hit from a cane-like object". I theorise that the two outputs are the cognitohazardous equivalents of the two non-standard functions of a feather duster — to tickle people with the feathers and to hit people with the handle. I honestly expected the spheres to explode or do something equally dangerous, not to get a tickle ball and a punish ball for children. I’m going to get some Tylenol now for the stress. On a related note, the feather ball has been donated to the break room for recreation purposes. - Junior Researcher Kai
  • More fun with amnestics.
    Test 914-0970
    Name: Junior Researcher Kai
    Date: 26/08/2019
    Total Items: Three bottles of Class-A amnestics, three bottles of Class-B amnestics, three bottles of Class-C amnestics
    Note: I managed to requisition the Class-C amnestics from the medical bay. Thanks, Dr. Veritas.

    Input: One bottle of Class-A amnestic
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One bottle of vodka, 55% ABV
    NA symbol of my thanks, Dr. Veritas. - Junior Researcher Kai

    Input: One bottle of Class-A amnestic
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One bottle of amnestic, labelled "Ordo-α". Spectrometry gave inconclusive results and testing was evaluated to be not worth the risk. Output incinerated.

    Input: One bottle of Class-A amnestic
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One empty bottle, surrounded by a fine mist of amnestic of unknown composition. Junior Researcher Kai attempted to pick up the bottle but failed repeatedly to complete the action. Output retrieved mechanically and incinerated.
    What? I thought I was going to pick up the bottle? Why is it still in the booth? - Junior Researcher Kai

    Input: One bottle of Class-B amnestic
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One bottle of Class-Darby amnestic
    This seems ominous. Someone please check where Researcher Darby is currently posted. - Junior Researcher Kai

    Input: One bottle of Class-B amnestic
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One syringe, made of the same plastic as the bottle and filled with unchanged Class-B amnestic. When the syringe is filled with any liquid, the contents are instantly converted via anomalous means to an equal volume of a suspension of Class-B amnestic in a third of the original liquid. Output incinerated.
    That's useful, but not enough. I don't think the medical team can afford the time and resources to purify the amnestics obtained from it. - Junior Researcher Kai

    Input: One bottle of Class-B amnestic
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One Class-B amnestic of bottle One small tablet, determined to have a cognitohazard carved on both sides that induces hallucinations of all pill-shaped objects to be perceived as bottles of Class-B amnestics. Output incinerated.

    Input: One bottle of Class-C amnestic
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One bottle of vodka, 89% ABV
    Donated to medical bay for sterilisation purposes. - Junior Researcher Kai

    Input: One bottle of Class-C amnestic
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One inanimate plastic statue. Later determined to attack any person within a four-metre radius that lies about something. Output incinerated after severe injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] personnel who shouted, "I'm not going to shoot it!" when it attempted [DATA EXPUNGED].

    Input: One bottle of Class-C amnestic
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One torn page documenting the "Veritas Spell", found to be removed anomalously from SCP-239's "spell book". Upon discovery of this fact, both Site-19 and Site-17 were placed under lockdown and a thorough evaluation of SCP-239's containment procedures was made before it was determined to be SCP-914 that had somehow accessed Site-17's document archives. It is currently unknown how SCP-914 acquired the page, as the original "spell book" was destroyed in the aftermath [DATA EXPUNGED] and virtual access to the surviving copies is only available through the Site-17 intranet database.
    A text copy of the page is available as inserted below:
    Veritas Spell - Makes people tell the truth!
    Simply say Veritas to someone and you will make the person very sleepy and willing to tell the truth! Careful, don't abuse it.
    No more testing with amnestics. Not in a very long time. - Junior Researcher Kai
  • Magnets and prosthetics do not mix:
    Test 914-0978
    Name: Senior Researcher Vivic
    Date: 01/09/2019
    Total Items: Six One electromagnet with a strength of 1.25T

    Input: One electromagnet
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One unchanged magnet When supplied with power, the electromagnet was found to have gained additional magnetic strength anomalously and flew off the testing room floor. It appeared to be drawn only to metals used in biomechanical applications, which caused it to collide with Senior Researcher Vivic's prosthetic left arm at roughly 15m/s, causing moderate damage. The electromagnet then fell to the floor and cracked in half 5 seconds after impact, losing all anomalous and non-anomalous properties. Output incinerated.
    Note: That was extremely painful. No more magnets and all my other tests have been cancelled. I don't know how it went after the metal in my arm and not 914 itself, so I'll be in the medical bay. - Senior Researcher Vivic
    Note: So a researcher with a prosthetic arm was refining an electromagnet? I'm wondering when we can expect prosthetic frontal lobes, to allow researchers like this to have better decision making in the future. - Veritas

    Experiment Logs 1000- 1099 
  • Fun with the Nintendo Switch:
    Test 914-1018
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 18/09/2019
    Total Items: Three black Nintendo Switch game consoles, 3 games for said console.

    Input: One console with "Super Mario Maker 2" inserted.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One red Nintendo Switch with blue Joy-Con controllers attached, stylized to resemble the uniform worn by franchise mascot Mario. The game's data now includes a level titled "Super Cario Pros 1-1," a perfect copy of World 1-1 from the original Super Mario Bros. NES game done in the game's "dark haunted house" theme.note 
    Note: Not bad for a first time level design, 914. Love what you did with the console. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 console with "Sonic Forces" inserted.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 blue console, marked as a "Sega Switch." Joy-Con controllers are red with a white stripe across the center, similar to the shoes of company mascot Sonic the Hedgehog. Data on the game cartridge was completely erased.
    Note: Well, can't really say it's not an improvement… -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 console with "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild" inserted.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A stylized tablet resembling the "Sheikah Slate" from the game. Functions on the tablet include a detailed map of the facility as well as a number of "rune" apps that enable the device to perform various functions. D-class testing the device was terminated upon attempting to use the "Bomb Rune" app; the blue sphere produced by the device was safely dissolved via the device without further incident.
    Note: Well. That just happened. Am I correct in guessing this is going straight into anomalous storage? -Prof. Wren
    Note: Very correct. - Veritas
  • Everyone is here, including the ones who absolutely shouldn't be!
    Test 914-1020
    Name: Dr. Meyer
    Date: 19/09/2019
    Total Items: One disk on key, containing “Avengers: Endgame

    Input: One disk on key, containing “Avengers: Endgame”.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One Nintendo Switch cartridge, containing “Super Smash Brothers Ultimate”.

    Input: The Switch cartridge from the above test.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Nintendo Switch cartridge containing what seemed like the title “Super Smash Brothers: Ultimate”. When loaded, it was discovered that the fighters were replaced with SCPs and multiple Foundation personnel. Result incinerated after SCP-096’s silhouette appeared in the “Challenger approaching!” screen.
    Note: Man, that sucks. That game was better than the original. – Dr. Meyer
  • Test #  Researcher Rare stumbles headlong into a minor catastrophe:
    Input: One SD card [containing a copy of the paper “A Study of the Behavioral Differences between Anomalous and Baseline Felines,” by Samuel Rare]
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A small, animate cat made of plastic and metal.
    Note: Interesting. Something new to study. - NT Rare
    Addendum: The cat has been found to be capable of swapping its voice with that of a human subject. When this occurs, the cat gains the ability to speak in the subject’s voice, and the subject becomes incapable of making any vocalization other than meowing. The cat has been placed in containment until a method of undoing this can be found.
    Note: Meow! - Researcher Miniwa
    Note: Dr. Veritas has discovered a method of counteracting the cognitohazard. Said method involves striking the cheek of the subject forcefully, while vocalising encouragement to "snap out of it". While unorthodox, this method has been effective on 100% of the victims so far. - Sedna
  • Test #  Testing with lightbulbs has a strange outcome:
    Input: One lightbulb
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: strike  One Lightbulb which flew to Intern Scott's head and levitates above his head through anomolous means. Appears to flash morse code which correlates to Intern Scott's current emotion. All writing by Intern Scott anomalously is changed from a informal setting to a formal setting.
    Note: This strike  lightbulb keeps flashing SOS in morse code, strike  most likely because I'm strike  currently feeling distressed in my situation. Please strike  remove this lightbulb off my head. -Intern Scott
  • Anyone familiar with the term "Orgasmatron" will have already seen the outcome of this test coming:
    Test 914-1039
    Name: Assistant Researcher King
    Date: 27/09/2019
    Total Items: 3 Happy's Head Trips

    Input: One Happy's Head Trip
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One small metal ball, one 15cm metal rod, six 10cm metal wires, six 8cm metal wires, 30g of plastic

    Input: One Happy's Head Trip
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One metal back scratcher

    Input: One Happy's Head Trip
    Setting: Fine Very Fine
    Note: [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] and I had meant to set it to Fine, not Very Fine. This is definitely going into the incinerator. - AR King
    Output: [DATA EXPUNGED]. Output incinerated.

    Note: You do not want to know what that was. I'm definitely going to be more careful with the selection panel from now on. - AR King
  • 914 continues to demonstrate its... unorthodox ideas:
    Test 914-1040
    Name: Researcher Miniwa
    Date: 27/09/2019
    Total Items: 10 [REDACTED] brand First Aid Kits, 10 canisters of water, 10 canisters of liquid nitrogen, 10 canisters of salt, 10 kilograms of 90% carbon coals, 10 kilograms of aluminium foil, 10 kilograms of magnesium.
    Note: SCP-914, what's your idea of a "first aid kit"? You have plenty of things here to work with. Make a first aid kit. And I'm not stupid, I'm having a D-class turn the key. - Researcher Miniwa
    Note: We're talking to stationary objects now? - Veritas


    Input: All above items
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Ten "SCP-914 First Aid Kits", from input. First Aid Kits cannot be opened, but can be cut through. Cutting through the First Aid Kits immediately causes an explosion and many gasses and liquids to flow out. Despite being labelled "First Aid Kit", it does not appear that it can be used to treat wounds of any kind. Of the ten original "SCP-914 First Aid Kits", two have been cut through (and destroyed) and the remaining eight have been placed in storage to be used for future experiments.
    Note: Ow. Even with protective gear on, having a metal box explode in your face still hurts. - Researcher Miniwa
    Note: Have you considered it's supposed to be absorbed into your chest after being injured like in a video game, Researcher Miniwa? - Dr. Zavalosa
  • The JoJokes practically write themselves here:
    Test 914-1044
    Name: Dr. Zavalosa
    Date: 28/09/2019
    Total Items: Anime figurine of Star Platinum

    Input: Above
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A figurine of Dr. Veritas, non-anomalous, placed in the break room
    Addendum: During the regular lunch break, Intern Snevets was on the phone with Researcher Darby, discussing dioxygen difluoride. When Researcher Darby exclaimed to "put it in 914", loud slapping was audible as well as expletive language about "a mini Veritas slapping the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] out of me". Intern Snevets then went to the break room and found that the figurine of Dr. Veritas had disappeared. The figurine has been recovered by Dr. Zavalosa, when he exclaimed "We should put a live grenade in 914" and the figurine anomalously appeared before him and assaulted Dr. Zavalosa for approximately a minute before becoming inanimate again. Both Dr. Zavalosa and Researcher Darby reported no meaningful injuries.
    Note: I'd incinerate it, but I have a notion that Dr. Veritas would want to keep this figurine - Dr. Zavalosa
    Note: What would Veritas' stand even be called? Karma Police? - Researcher Connolly
    Note: I'd suggest "Dare To Be Stupid", but Veritas seems to have the exact opposite attitude. - GJTW B██████
  • You know what they say about loose lips...
    Test 914-1045
    Name: Researcher Miniwa
    Date: 28/09/2019
    Total Items: Ordinary (60cm x 90cm) whiteboard

    Input: Ordinary (60cm x 90cm) whiteboard
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 2m x 3m whiteboard, otherwise identical to input. 2m x 3m whiteboard which, when written on, the text written vanishes. 2m x 3m whiteboard. When an SCP-914 researcher speaks aloud something embarrassing in Facility 19-23, it immediately appears on the whiteboard as text. When there is no room for the next embarrassing thing said, the oldest thing vanishes and is replaced by the newest embarrassing thing.
    Note: Request to hang this up in the break room? - Researcher Miniwa
    Note: As it turns out, if no embarrassing thing is said for 1-5 hours, the whiteboard will take a random embarrassing thing from the past. - Researcher Festiv
    Note: My current favourites include “there’s no toilet paper”, “If an instruction tells you to put your [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] inside something, you've got the wrong manual”, and a string of expletives about Dr. Veritas. - Dr. Zavalosa
    Note: There's a chance this could cause a security breach, information leak, or breach of protocol unless it possesses an automatic redaction system. - SR Vivic
    Note: Placed in anomalous storage. - Veritas
  • Fun with motivational posters:
    Test 914-1050
    Name: Transfer Researcher Ivanoviv Alaskya
    Date: 30/09/2019
    Total Items: 401 assorted motivational posters
    Note: A close friend asked me to run a test for him while I was here, so I shall. - Transfer Ivanoviv

    Input: 100 Motivational posters
    Setting: Rough
    Output: 100 shredded posters.

    Input: 100 Motivational posters
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: 100 Degrading posters
    Note: Posters have cognitohazardous effect causing irrational anger and irritation towards others.

    Input: 100 Motivational posters
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: 100 rolls of toilet paper
    Note: I do not wish to think to deeply of this. - Transfer Ivanoviv

    Input: 100 Motivational posters
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 10 large Extremely Motivating posters that give viewers the enthusiasm and will to accomplish any task, even as little as fully describing an anomalous object that came out of the wonderful machine known as SCP-914.
    Note: After leaving sight of posters for extended periods of time, viewers suffer extreme hangovers and withdrawal symptoms due to lack of endorphins that the posters flood viewers' brains with. I personally feel like I drunk an army's worth of Vodka and then went a few rounds with Joseph Stalin. - Transfer Ivanoviv

    Input: 1 Motivational poster
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 Motivational poster with a cat hanging off a branch on it.
    Note: No harmful cognitohazards were found in the poster, merely an uplifting of spirits. Poster has been placed in cafeteria and has improved workplace happiness by a large amount. - Transfer Ivanoviv
    Further Note: In-depth analysis of the poster reveals a memory erasure cognitohazard targeted at specific memories; what memories have been erased can not be determined due to no-one currently at the site escaping the poster's influence. Poster has been contained in mirrored tube and sent to the cognitohazard laboratories for further study. Anomalous effect ended when poster was covered. - Security Sergeant Brandt
    Note: Poster incinerated. The absolute genius that exposed a possibly cognitohazardous object to as many people as possible had their testing licenses revoked. They will also be attending a mandatory cognitohazard safety seminar and doing the dishes for the entire cafeteria to really let this sink in. - Veritas
  • A new researcher tries to use 914 to edit some of his prior writing. Hilarity Ensues.
    Test 914-1056
    Name: Guest Junior Technical Writer Matthew Bradley
    Date: 09-25-2019
    Total items: 5 Transcend StoreJet portable hard drives containing the documentation of a rough plan for a fan-made sequel to the video game "Elite Beat Agents", with lists of songs themed around the Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Heavenly Virtues as defined by Roman Catholic theology. The documentation also contains reasoning behind the selection of each song. The songs themselves are also contained on the hard drives.
    Note: Hello, everyone. I'm eager to work with this machine; I've heard amazing things about it. The portable hard drives I'm testing today contain the data for a project that I've been planning for a long time. Every song has been carefully chosen, but some were more carefully chosen than others, and I feel that there's still room for improvement. Before I actually present the lists on the osu! Reddit to recruit help for developing the project, I'd like to use 914 as a sounding board to see which songs I should replace. The main goal of this exercise for this facility is to examine what 914 will do with a sequence of information arranged around a series of themes that are themselves arranged around a single fundamental theme. (Specifically, the information is music, the series of themes is the Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Heavenly Virtues, and the fundamental theme is the importance of morality to the proper function and maintenance of human society and well-being.) To put that in more succinct terminology, I want to see what 914 will do with a multi-layered concept. However this turns out, I’m sure that it will be intriguing and inspiring. Heck, if I'm lucky, 914 will do most of the production work for me… it is familiar with osu!, right? -GJTW Bradley

    Input: One portable hard drive.
    Setting: Rough
    Output: A smashed portable hard drive. The hard drive no longer functions.
    Note: I didn't expect anything different from the Rough setting. - GJTW Bradley

    Input: 1 portable hard drive.
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One physically undamaged portable hard drive. Data is readable but has been rearranged randomly.
    Note: That's not quite what I expected, but it's still not too unusual for the Coarse setting. - GJTW Bradley

    Input: One portable hard drive (not an output from the previous test).
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One physically undamaged portable hard drive. All of the songs have been replaced, but each song is roughly equally well-suited to its theme as the song it replaced.
    Note: Huh. A lot of these were actually ideas that I had briefly considered myself. It looks like 914 can follow a multi-layered theme. But I want to hear new ideas. Also, I was perfectly happy with most of the songs. Let's try this again. - GJTW Bradley

    Input: One portable hard drive (not an output from a previous test).
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A pair of small plastic and metal statues — one shaped like an angel, the other shaped like a demon — that sing incessantly when a human is close enough to hear them. The angel statue appears to only sing songs associated with the Seven Heavenly Virtues, while the demon statue appears to only sing songs associated with the Seven Deadly Sins. Both statues have cognitohazardous effects — anyone who hears the angel statue sing is compelled to act virtuously, and anyone who hears the demon statue sing is compelled to act sinfully. Both statues' effects last for as long as the subject is exposed, and then continue to linger for three hours after the subject can no longer hear the statue's singing. However, if a subject is exposed to both statues at the same time or is exposed to one statue while the other's effects are lingering, the statues' effects cancel each other out. The statues were placed in anomalous storage.
    Note: I was hoping that this would be the test that actually gave me useful song replacements, but I forgot that 914 can do weird things on any of its settings; Very Fine just makes weird things more likely. I'm going ahead with the Very Fine test anyway. - GJTW Bradley

    Input: 1 portable hard drive (not an output from a previous test).
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A star-shaped plastic and metal badge that, when worn, compels the wearer to seek out an individual who is stressed and in a crisis situation and then sing and dance for them to "inspire" them to overcome the problem. The actual effectiveness of the "inspiration" is dependent on the wearer's skill at singing and dancing, which is not modified by wearing the badge. The effect ends as soon as roughly six hours after the badge is removed from the wearer's person. The badge was placed in anomalous storage.
    Note: Well, that was embarrassing. Sorry about all the distractions. Hopefully I wasn't too much of a nuisance! - GJTW Bradley
    Note: Now that you're done dancing around the building like an idiot, I'd like to see you in my office. -Dr. Veritas
  • An attempt to produce Bleeprin goes exactly how you'd expect.
    Test 914-1058
    Name: Guest Junior Technical Writer Matthew Bradley, D-956320.
    Date: 01/10/2019
    Total items: 1 L of bleach, 2 bottles of generic aspirin each containing 50 100-mg tablets.

    Input: The above-listed materials.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The aspirin and bleach have been combined into a bottle of 200 100-mg tablets containing a medicine called "Bleeprin". D-956320 was instructed to consume two tablets while concentrating on a sequence of numbers. Upon D-956320 consuming the tablets, they reported having forgotten what they were told to remember. Minutes later, D-956320 quickly came down with an illness and was carted off to the medical bay. The symptoms were found to be consistent with the effects of bleach poisoning and aspirin overdose.
    Note: Poor guy. The idea was to create a substitute means of amnestics production. - GJTW Bradley
    Note: Leave that to the experts, please. - Dr. Sedna
  • Researcher Darby is back, and his shenanigans pick up not too far from where they left off.
    Test 914-1060
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 01/10/2019
    Total Items: One airplane ticket, one brand-new suitcase, one arctic parka embroidered with the SCP Foundation logo, three changes of casual winter clothing, one paperback novel “Communications Failure”, five bags of assorted snacks, one pack of gum
    Note: I just got back from [REDACTED] in the Bering Sea, and for some reason they've reassigned me here. Why, you may ask? I have no clue, but reports of a cognitohazardous poster some Russian put in the cafeteria might have something to do with it.note  - Researcher Darby
    Note: "Reassigned"? I don't remember anyone by your name conducting 914 tests. I'll check through the logs. - Researcher Rasclon
    Note: I do. I just don't remember him doing many tests. - R.A. Walker


    Input: Above airplane ticket
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One crumpled paper airplane, examination shows that a standard airplane ticket is unsuitable for use as a paper airplane.

    Input: Above suitcase
    Setting: Rough
    Output: One suitcase that appears to have been dragged through a warzone, being covered in mud and what appear to be bullet holes. No longer usable.
    Note: That is not actually mud. SCP-914 took material from inside the suitcase and made it look like mud. It is, in fact, a mixture of rubber and plastic that somehow acts like a liquid. Why? Don’t ask me. I’m not a materials engineer, I’m a mechanical engineer. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Above articles of clothing
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One light rain-jacket with the Foundation logo emblazoned, three large cloth bags, one pile of tags and cotton.
    Note: That jacket looks nice, but it's a size too small for me. Maybe a smaller researcher wants it? I'll ask Wren, it looks like it would fit her. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Above food and gum
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One plate of beautifully displayed fale food, most of the dish originates from Russia.
    Note: I love Russian food, but that stuff is completely unfit for human consumption. I think 914 was trying to poison me, or at least put me on the toilet. The food I put in stayed as food and would have, in fact, tasted like good Russian food, but intermingled with it was the gum that 914 had somehow poisoned and made incompatible with human biology. Lunar's mug cat liked it, so I gave the food to it when we were done with testing. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Above novel
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One origami flagship, appearing as described in the novel. Attempted to ram Researcher Darby, but had no effect due to having no methods of propulsion and being constructed out of paper.
    Note: It would appear that I managed to give 914 a set of inputs of things I want disposed of. I have deduced that while 914 is not sentient, it may have some sort of learning mentality, and it has learned that results that end in my death are desirable. However, it has failed to achieve its goal due to the inputs not being suitable or in large enough quantities for its task. - Researcher Darby
    Note: While Researcher Darby may have survived his test today, Jeff, who has been wandering around the Facility, threw up everything he ate today on Facility Director Hackett's shoes after he ate the food produced by Darby's test. Please do not feed Jeff any of 914's outputs, thank you very much, especially after testing has revealed them to be poisoned. - Intern Lunar
    Note: I searched through the logs for tests conducted by a "Darby". Veritas, I have filed a formal request for enhanced safety measures in 914's chamber, the surrounding Facility, and the anomalous storage wing. I think I know what memories the poster targeted, and why it improved people's moods. - R. Rasclon
    Note: Oh, Christ, why did you have to tell me this? - Veritas
    Note: I've read through his tests since I don't seem to know him, his actions with 914 in particular. Given the large number of casualties stemming from his tests, this Darby should be overseen by a researcher with at least 4/914 clearance. - Dr. Cleveland
  • Kai and Vivic try to make a fursuit:
    Test 914-1062
    Name: Senior Researcher Vivic, Junior Researcher Kai
    Date: 02/10/2019
    Total Items: One pair of synthetic wolf ears, one pair of synthetic wolf paws, one synthetic wolf tail, one synthetic anthropomorphic wolf head
    Note: We’re going to attend the Alamo City Furry Invasion 2019 two days from now. It's a day-long road trip and we’ve left our letters for unpaid leave on Dr. Veritas’ desk. - JR Kai
    Note: We’ll be putting the items in on Fine separately for safety reasons, and also because we don’t want an anomalous wolf furry to suddenly sprout out of the output booth and try to bite our heads off. - SR Vivic


    Input: One pair of wolf ears
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One pair of wolf ears that appears unchanged, but when worn, corresponds to the mood of Senior Researcher Vivic.
    Note: The wolf ears apparently only works with Vivic. I’m somewhat surprised it hasn’t fused to his hair yet. - JR Kai
    Note: "Rough rough!" Get it? - SR Vivic


    Input: One pair of wolf paws
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One pair of wolf paws with retractable claws.
    Note: This reminds me suspiciously of Assassin's Creed. - JR Kai
    Note: I love that game. I might just keep these for… scientific research. - SR Vivic
    Note: Confiscated and placed in anomalous storage. - Veritas


    Input: One wolf tail
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One wolf tail with a metal prong on the tip where the harness should be. Testing with D-class personnel was aborted after the prong suddenly and anomalously fused with her coccyx upon being moved to her lower back.

    Input: One wolf head
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One apparently unchanged wolf head. Senior Researcher Vivic insisted on testing it personally; upon being worn, Junior Researcher Kai noted that Senior Researcher Vivic temporarily began behaving like an actual canine until the headpiece was removed. Post-removal, a cognitohazard was found on the inside of the headpiece that temporarily impresses the mental patterns of the common grey wolf (Canis lupus) onto the wearer. During removal, it was noted that a complete and anatomically correct wolf maw was seen through the mouth of the headpiece instead of Senior Researcher Vivic’s face.
    Addendum: The wolf headpiece was determined to not have stuck on Senior Researcher Vivic's head. His reaction was a purely psychological reaction to having a non-human thought pattern temporarily imprinted on him.
  • Fun with photos and some sort of slime:
    Test 914-1065
    Name: R.A. Walker
    Date: 02/10/2019
    Total Items: A framed picture of a few researchers, interns, and other characters from Facility 19-23, a bottle of unknown goo

    Input: Framed drawing of Jeff the mug cat
    Setting: Fine
    Output: The following poem:
    My naym is Jeff
    I am a cat
    I hold the drink
    But it go flat
    I eat the food
    And not get fat
    I spill the tea
    All on your hat
    My naym is Jeff
    Jeff the mug cat
    Note: ‘On your hat’? As far as I know, Jeff’s never spilled on someone’s hat.
    He got into my room and spilled tea on my favorite beanie. - Intern Snevets


    Input: Framed picture of Dr. Zavalosa
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Framed picture of Dr. Zavalosa. His legs, arms, and torso are made of metal and synthetic materials. He appears to be running from something. He wears the look of someone who fears for his life.
    Note: Mmm, I don't like this one bit, please incinerate it. - Dr. Zavalosa

    Input: Framed picture of R. Vivic
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A framed picture of a wolf with Vivic's eyes and clothes.

    Input: Framed picture of R. Jane Cho
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Framed picture of five cats. Items worn by three of these cats point to them being R. Cho, R. Miniwa, and Intern Lunar. Jeff and a green cat that might be Olive are present as well. They are playing in a cat tree together.

    Input: Framed drawing of "Olive the Peridot Cat"
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Framed picture of "Perry the Olivine Cat"

    Note: I found some odd-looking goo in the corner. I cannot identify it. Perhaps SCP-914 will be of assistance. - R.A. Walker
    Input: Bottle of questionable goo
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A bottle labelled "94D Amnestic".
    Note: How the hell did I get here? I was just sprinkling some plastic on my city model. What's this bottle? I don't think it's mine. Maybe give it to Darby? - R.A. Walker
    Addendum: R.A. Walker was placed in the infirmary to determine whether or not 94D Amnestic has any long-lasting ill effects. After three days, he was lectured about placing unidentifiable things in 914, then returned to work. It was determined that merely possessing the bottle caused memories to be erased. The bottle was personally delivered to Darby by █████, using a drone to carry it.
    Note: Thanks for the model glue, guys. - Researcher Darby
    Note: Items placed in anomalous storage. Walker was assigned to mandatory hazardous material training and is required to write an essay titled: "Is using unknown, possibly dangerous material with SCP-914 a stupid idea?" On my desk by Monday. - Veritas
  • 914 has never given straight answers to people's questions before, and it's not going to start now:
    Test 914-1067
    Name: Guest Junior Technical Writer Bradley
    Date: 03/10/2019
    Total Items: Three notes, three pencils
    Note: I have a lot of tiny pencils that I can hardly use anymore… might as well have 914 use them up. - GJTW Bradley

    Input: One note reading "Why are you so hostile to Darby?", 1 pencil
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A note with a laughing-face emoticon in the middle of a concentric series of rings resembling the Looney Tunes logo.
    Note: So… it's saying that torturing Darby is funny? In other words, Darby is a designated slapstick victim? I thought slapstick was supposed to not cause serious injury. - GJTW Bradley

    Input: One note reading "Why are you so friendly to MT Johnson?", one pencil
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A note with a crude sketch of MT Johnson and a tall, vaguely mechanical-looking Caucasian female engaging in [DATA EXPUNGED].
    Note: I did not need to see that. - GJTW Bradley

    Input: One note reading "How exactly do you function, 914?", 1 pencil
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A note with a diagram of an apple going into a booth and an orange coming out.
    Note: From what I've heard, that statement is completely accurate and completely useless. - GJTW Bradley
  • Fun with rubber balls, and 914's vendetta against Darby continues.
    Test 914-1069
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 03/10/2019
    Total Items: Five 13g rubber balls

    Input: A ball.
    Setting: Rough
    Output: 13g of shredded rubber.

    Input: A ball.
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: The same ball, unchanged.
    Note: Huh. Well, I guess it's already about as sorted as it could get, so…okay? -Prof. Wren

    Input: A rubber ball.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A rubber ball with near-zero elasticity; impact with anything more viscous than air causes it to come to a complete halt and drop to the ground.
    Note: Brought in a second D-class for a quick test, had the first one whip this at the second one as hard as he could. Apparently even arm hairs can bring it to a dead stop; second D-class never even noticed it touch him. -Prof. Wren

    Input: A ball.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 13 1g rubber balls. Each ball has improved collision elasticity to where they retain over 99.999% of their kinetic force when bouncing off of a surface other than each other. Contact between any of the balls causes them to lose all kinetic energy within them, accompanied by a loud "pop."

    Input: A ball.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A rubber ball. Upon the output booth opening, the ball flew through the air and struck a nearby wall. Object continued to bounce lightly off the same spot on the wall, maintaining constant elevation off the floor, for 7 minutes before moving in a bouncing path along the wall. Attempts to contain the object beyond closing the test chamber have failed.
    Note: We spent 45 minutes trying to figure out why this thing was moving the way it was, to no avail. Then I looked into where certain other personnel were at the time and I found the answer. It was bouncing off the wall directly between it and Researcher Darby, and has been locked onto his location ever since. Given the elevation it's maintaining, and Darby's luck with 914 in general, there's a good chance this thing's going for a crotch-shot. Whether it'll stop at one hit or just keep pelting him in the groin until the heat-death of the cosmos, however, is anyone's guess. -Prof. Wren
    Note: While I’m sure Darby deserved it somehow, there should be an effort to contain the ball before we find out. - Dr. Zavalosa
    Note: My money is on that thing being as relentless as the Ginosaji. May I suggest locking it in a steel box and bolting that to the floor? - GJTW Bradley
    Note: It’s good at avoiding being contained, perhaps trying to destroy the ball would do. - Dr. Zavalosa
    Note: Maybe we should test if the effect ends eventually? See what happens? Ah, fine, let me get Sedna. - Veritas
    Note: Researcher Darby was sent outside the facility to the parking lot. All doors in-between SCP-914's testing chamber and the main exit were opened and the ball sped towards him via the shortest route possible. Destroyed by Security Agent Sedna by .50 caliber anti-material rifle.
  • Test #  Assistant Researcher King ends up being turned into a facsimile of a helicopter parent:
    Input: One mindfulness brochure
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A mindfulness brochure with a memetic symbol on it. Whenever a person looks at the symbol, they suddenly become very conscious of the mental state of those around them.
    Note: Are you sure that you’re okay? There are a lot of strange things happening in this place. Tell me if you need help, okay? - AR King
    Note: Go away. - Veritas
  • Enhancing a first-aid kit doesn't go as planned:
    Test 914-1073
    Name: Researcher Miniwa
    Date: 02/10/2019
    Total items: One 914 first aid kit, from test 914-1040. 3 kilograms of Phosphorus sesquisulfide (P4S3), in an airtight container with no oxygen (to prevent ignition). Ten-kilogram canister with the first 5 noble gasses (Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon).
    Note: Random stuff. How does the 914-health pack change? - Researcher Miniwa

    Input: Above items.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Health pack, labelled "Fire Lord's 914th health pack". Placed in anomalous storage, encased in fireproof material in case it detonates.
    Note: Phosphorus sesquisulfide was picked for its commercial use. Further research shows it's used for matches, aka used for fire. Noble gasses. Noble. Like "one step below royal", like "Lord". Bad puns, 914. Bad puns. - Researcher Miniwa
  • An attempt at Time Travel leads to Mind Screw:
    Test 914-1074
    Name: Senior Researcher Vivic
    Date: 01410/2019
    Total Items: One Kant counter, one HTC Vive, 1kg of beryllium bronze
    Note: I'm hoping to get a device that will allow me to travel back in time to slap myself for an embarrassing action I made previously. - SR Vivic

    Input: Above items
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A device with a simplistic design. It appears to be a head-mounted device, similar to the VR headset inputted. It also possesses multiple additional physical features, but the object is subject to an antimemetic effect and cannot be described further. When the device is worn, the wearer's consciousness is transported approximately 30 seconds into the past, inhabiting their past body. Actions taken during this period overwrite contradictory past actions. Those who have previously worn the device are made aware of changes, but not their nature or extent. After removal, subjects report a temporary feeling of nausea. Object lost during transport to incinerator.
    Note: Apparently, no one remembers the existence of this object except for me because of my natural resistance to antimemetics. However, I underestimated how strong its effects were and lost it after I dropped it on the way to the incinerator. If anyone kicks something so weird that you just can't seem to describe it on the floor, tell me immediately. This presents a serious continuity problem because a lot can happen in 30 seconds. - Junior Researcher Kai
  • 914 is a Pungeon Master.
    Test 914-1082
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 05/10/2019
    Total Items: Four saxophones of varying ranges/sizes (one each soprano, alto, tenor, and baritone).
    Note: As much as I love the sound of a good sax, this is one instrument I actually can't play. Kind of embarrassing, given how easily I've picked up some of 914's musical creations in the past. -Prof. Wren

    Input: The soprano sax.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A brass figurine of a man at a diner-style table. When looked at, the viewer hears the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey played for roughly 40 seconds before it abruptly cuts off.
    Note: I was halfway into getting the next test going when I realized this was a reference to the ending of that show, The Sopranos. Very cute, 914. -Prof. Wren

    Input: The alto sax.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A large brass abacus. The abacus has 12 rows of brass beads with 6 beads per row. The outer frame has wood inlay decorating it, presumably formed from the saxophone's reed.
    Note: Beautiful, but unless we suddenly have to calculate stuff in base-7, this is kinda useless. -Prof. Wren

    Input: The tenor sax.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Ten small brass-fiber bags with handles formed from the reed, each containing one small brass boating paddle.
    Note: Okay, this just makes no sense. Moving on. -Prof. Wren
    Note: Final test was temporarily suspended when Prof. Wren let out a loud groan.
    Note: Oh, for the love of God… It turned the "tenor sax" into "ten oar sacks." Uuuugh! -Prof. Wren


    Input: The baritone sax.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A long, narrow brass halberd. The entire weapon is hollow with an opening at the bottom. The upper portion of the handle is lined with a series of holes. The back of the halberd head consists of the reed and mouthpiece. The remaining portions of the halberd head have been confirmed not to be sharp, rendering it useless as an actual weapon.
    Note: The whole thing plays a bit like an oversized flute. It's a bit odd to hold, but I have to admit, the sound quality is pretty nice. Permission to add this to my music collection, Dr. Veritas? -Prof. Wren
    Note: Just be sure to practice safe sax. - R.A. Walker
    Note: Walker, any more puns and you're on cleanup duty, out of the testing area now. Keep the instrument, Wren. - Veritas

    Experiment Logs 1100- 1199 
Test 914-1119
Name: Prof. Wren
Input: One box set, full series of Game of Thrones.
Setting: Fine
Output: One box set, full series of Game of Thrones (Family Friendly Edition). Analysis of the discs shows each episode has been altered to remove all instances of violence, nudity, vulgarity, and sexual acts; entirety of contents located on first disc. Remaining discs and 94% of first disc are devoid of data. Total run time clocked at 43 minutes, 19 seconds.
Note: Frankly, I'm surprised there was that much PG-rated content. -Prof. Wren

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