Series I (SCP- 001 proposals, SCP- 002 to SCP-999)
- The SCP-001 proposal "Keter Duty" involves Keter-class objects being made to contain each other. The last pair of items is none other than SCP-055 and SCP-579. The description? "Can't fit round pegs into square holes."
- SCP-041It has come to my attention that several personnel have used SCP-041 as an ad-hoc 'she likes me/she likes me not' detector. This is one of the most appalling things I've ever heard. Are we safeguarding potentially world-destroying objects or are we in third grade? Dr. Klein.
- SCP-048 would fit, if it ever existed. 048 has no SCP assigned to it, because it is "cursed".Addendum 1: This is ridiculous. I'll prove to you superstitious bastards that you're all just being pussies. The restriction on SCP-048 is now removed and assigned to [DATA EXPUNGED]. - Dr. Cortez.Addendum 2: SCP-048, [DATA EXPUNGED], was accidentally thrown into the trash this morning and lost. In an unrelated incident, Dr. Cortez's arms were accidentally traumatically amputated in a horrific lunchroom blender accident. SCP-048 closed. - O5-11
- SCP-050 is a Clingy MacGuffin that people can "win" if they can prank whoever owns it. Add dangerous SCPs to the mix, and you have "The Great Researcher Prank War".Memorandum 050-A: No good will come of this. O5-█
Dr. Hughes: Okay, I'm going to need to ask you some questions about number 55 now.
- The personnel debriefing for this eminently forgettable thing:
███████: Number what?
Dr. Hughes: SCP object 55. The object you just examined.
███████: Um, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't think we have a 55.
Dr. Hughes: Okay, then, ███████, I'd like you to tell me what you've been doing for the past two hours.
███████: What? I <subject appears uncomfortable> I don't know.
Dr. Hughes: Okay, then, do you remember that we all agreed that it wasn't spherical?
███████: That what wasn't Oh! Right! It isn't round at all! Object 55 isn't round!
Dr. Hughes: So you remember it now?
███████: Well, no. I mean, I don't know what it is, but I know there is one. It's something you can't remember. And it's not a sphere.
Dr. Hughes: Wait a minute. What's not a sphere?
███████: Object 55.
Dr. Hughes: Object what?
███████: Doc, do you remember agreeing that something wasn't shaped like a sphere?
Dr. Hughes: Oh, right!
- When someone attempts to refine a list of 'Everything we know [the above item] is not' with 914's "Very Fine" setting:Output: A list of something, about something. Researcher and Guard failed to recall what was on the list. List was misplaced, somewhere.
- The testing log for SCP-061, a computer program that controls people's minds. The vague "Run on treadmill" command resulted in the test subjects attempting to run on an unmoving treadmill, run on a treadmill at full speed, and jog until told to stop, respectively, the latter two of which ended up flying off the end of the treadmill, AFV-style.
- SCP-076 winds up leading a task force code-named Omega:
Able's getting bored, and he's started putting his team through live fire exercises: they get bullets, he gets training weapons. Have you ever seen someone break a man's jaw using a Nerf sword? He's not gonna stop until someone gets killed.
- Able and his task force got assigned to a mission. Someone objected, but was ignored and the mission was conducted anyway. He responded again, attaching hello.jpgnote to his response. Poor guy was not only completely disregarded, he got reassigned to SCP-682 dutynote .Subject: I hope you're fucking proud of yourself, motherfucker.
Message: (inline attachment of hello.jpg) because you're a bigger asshole than this guy.
- SCP-080, about an incorporeal entity which psychologically terrorizes people and disappears if exposed to luminosity greater than a child's night light, has the following addendum:Note: All personnel are requested to stop referring to SCP-080 as "The Boogieman". - Dr. ██████
- SCP-095, a comic book depicting Ronald Reagan as a Buck Rogers-esque hero. And there are "other issues" telling about the future presidents (along with what appear to be references to Sarah Palin and Al Franken running for the job).
- SCP-109 is used in hazings of new D-Class. How?Addendum 109-3: "It has come to my attention that new class D personnel are often dared to empty the bottle. Guards are reminded that they are to discourage such activity, and inform them that SCP-109 is bottomless. Chanting 'Chug!' repeatedly is considered unprofessional." Dr. Klein
- While aging a bottle of scotch in SCP-119:Dr. Grant: Subsequent testing determined that the results of this experiment were delicious.Dr. Deral: It would seem Dr. Grant is a rather poor whiskey connoisseur, as whiskey does not age outside of the barrel. Your delicious experiment resulted in a 37-year old bottle of 12-year old scotch. Well done.Dr. Grant: I stand by my initial assessment. Delicious.
- SCP-147: As has been verified repeatedly, the presence of persons born after March 1965 does not in and of itself trigger a hostile event. For reasons still unknown, SCP-147 objects mainly to manufactured items. Dr. ████████ ████ recently conducted an experiment in which he clothed himself with vintage (pre-1965) articles of clothing, with the caveat that he had three Bic Flair pens (invented in the 1970s) in his shirt pocket. What he saw while seated in front of SCP-147, he would later describe as "a bizarre episode of I Love Lucy featuring a surprising amount of gunplay."
- SCP-152 is a huge, constantly-changing book that describes numerous different ways humanity could go extinct. Apparently half the entries in the last fifty or so pages are devoted to many ways the Foundation screws up and accidentally destroys the universe. One Foundation staff member suggests making SCP-152 required reading material in order to keep newbies from inadvertently wiping out all life.
- SCP-157: █████ ██████, found with extensive scalp damage after mistaking SCP-157 for a bottle of shampoo and applying some to his hair. Victim was apparently immune to SCP-157 anesthetic and began screaming, attracting the attention of his wife, who had been eating a snack. "It was the weirdest thing Ive ever seen he had a pastrami sandwich on his head, and it was eating HIM!"
- The bizarrely adorable sapient calculator, SCP-168, wants a storage room with a window;Upon entering storage room 185-D to continue testing with SCP-168 on the morning of January 15, 2008, I discovered the only table in the room upended, with SCP-168 resting next to it, in an upright position. Its screen read; HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? TEACH YOU TO LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALL DAY. JERK.
- SCP-173 becomes marginally less frightening when you realize it bears a distinct resemblance to Invader Zim.
- SCP-202, the guy who does everything in reverse:Addendum: Direct Order from Commander [EXPUNGED]: "We're not having any more discussion about what happens when two oh two goes to the bathroom!"
- Telling a nine year old Reality Warper (SCP-239) about Santa Claus. Should have seen it coming:Note from Dr. ████████, dated 12/26/04: Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to tell her about "Santa Claus" and then tell her that it was just a story?! Now we have another potential SCP to deal with, but we can't catch him because he is "magic".
- The list of food items procured from SCP-261, a magic vending machine.
Edible. Testing concluded.Notes - More than half of the male staff avoided contact with the thing like it was made out of explosives. It is funny that the majority of staff here would prefer to have a picnic with SCP-682 over touching a fucking penis-shaped candy.
- It dispensed a six-inch long caramel figurine of SCP-682, the local Nigh Invulnerable, regenerating badass monster... that proceeded to "... do an apparent barbershop routine, dancing with a suddenly materializing cane and hat upon the counter. Music came from an unidentified source and resembled a standard barbershop routine, but those present were unable to place the singers." (This is made even funnier by nearby security guards opening fire on it, to absolutely no effect.)
- X-Treme Chips: Fed chips to D-Class 24045-06, whose voice immediately grew deeper and requested this agent join him in extreme sport activities such as surfboarding, mountain climbing, and bungee jumping. Request was denied.
- "Snapple" - A seemingly normal Granny Smith, with a small, hand-written tag attached to the stem. Further examination revealed the center to be composed of solid tin.Explanation
- The money used on the machine also decides what it'll spit out:Money entered: 1 counterfeit 500 yen coin (minted on site, otherwise identical to authentic article), accepted by SCP-261
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: After a delay of approximately 3 seconds, an unmarked, opaque white cellophane package was dispensed. Package contained candies similar to "Gummi Bears," but shaped like human hands with extended middle fingers. Item was interpreted as a threat and not consumed. Testing revealed candy contained lethal amounts of potassium cyanide.
- When the Foundation slipped in a note reading "I.O.U. 500 ¥", SCP-261 dispensed an opened bag of Smartfood brand White Cheddar popcorn, containing only crumbs of said popcorn and a note reading "I.O.U. 41 popcorn kernels". This seems to prove that not only does SCP-261 have some form of sentience, it also has a sense of humor! Later, when they inserted 500 yen, the machine dispensed the promised 41 popcorn kernels, without any package.
- And finally, they drilled a hole through a 100 ¥ coin, tied a string to it, and yanked it out of SCP-261. The first few tests yielded edible food that later caused subjects to vomit up the food in question. After several similar tests, it produced for the testers a live grenade. The Foundation declared a moratorium on all further attempts to mess with SCP-261's coin delivery system.
- The machine seems to take personal offense to pressing the coin return button; the second time they tried it, it spat out a red soda can that was humming loudly (a large insect was inside it) with the phrase "Stop that." on it.
- Doctor King can get nothing from SCP-261 but apple seeds, one for each yen put into the machine. Other researchers after him tried to use the machine that same day, but also got apple seeds and promptly blamed him for "breaking" the machine.
- "Mr. Q's Cumbersome Soda Bottle", a Shout-Out to Ramune bottles. It took an hour for the researcher to figure out how to drink it properly.
- "Mr. Mercer's amazing condiment", a food additive that makes everything taste delicious, and we do mean everything, including wood, stone, sand, rotten meat. However, it does not change the composition of the object it is applied to.
- A penis made of chocolate. Filled with liquid white chocolate.
I'm not gonna lie; I [EXPLETIVE] myself. I'm not coming in this room anymore if we're playing coin tricks with this thing!
- Someone had the bright idea to try the coin-on-a-string trick again, with one Dr. Yatts, who was present the last time this was attempted, described as seeming very nervous. Sure enough, 261 dropped another grenade, which prompted everyone in the vicinity to dive for cover at which point the grenade exploded into a shower of confetti with a noisemaker sound, filling the room with the taste of peppermint.
— A very nervous Dr. Yatts
D-3489 ingested beverage without incident, but experienced an increased rate of flatulence for three hours after consuming drink; each flatus repeating the phrase "Yoo-hoo!"
- A can of "Blueberry Yoo-Hoo", which yelled "Yoo-hoo!" in a high-pitched voice when opened. The experiment log speaks for itself:
- Turns out SCP-294 has a sense of humor:"Researcher reported a quantifiable level of surprise at the occurrence."
"Upon consumption, Dr.████████ reported that he remembered everything that had ever happened to him. Following this test, Dr.████████ entered his office and returned 48 hours later with a 538-page autobiography."
- The poor dude ordered "Surprise me". 294 gave him a cup of superheated water, which exploded in his face.
- From an earlier revision: Someone orders "Whatever the next person orders", to see if it can predict the future. Of course, the machine just waited until the next person ordered and gave both drinks at the same time. "Cleanup took two hours, and the researcher was told in a firm voice not to do it again."
- What happened when someone asked for "my life story".
- SCP-299 is a Keter-class botanical SCP that turns any plant into a ravenous carnivore upon contact. For some reason, the Foundation decided to test it on a sunflower.Specimen's trunk snapped upon introduction of researcher's foot. Remains incinerated.
- The old version of SCP-323, an otherwise bad object that got replaced, has containment procedures containing possibly the greatest sentence ever written."The room must be shaved daily."
Once a normal community of 387 was constructed, a small mound of Megablocks (a common copy of Lego) was placed near the community. When this happened, everything constructed of 387 stopped moving, turned slowly towards the Megablocks and [EXPUNGED].
- What happens when you expose sentient Lego blocks to cheap Lego copies:
Addendum 387-6: Jesus fucking Christ. - Dr. Arch
- When you expose kids to sentient Lego blocks."Addendum 387-1: How the fuck did these children gain knowledge of the workings of a M1 Abrams Tank, no less [EXPUNGED]!?"
- The fourth testing log from SCP-404, as two doctors discover really, really embarrassing things about each other's private life. Also, the very fact that this item is numbered 404. If you don't know why that is relevant, check what HTTP status code 404 means.
SCP-423 (Fred): (after entering Ulysses) Ow, ow, bad idea.Dr. E. Mann: Note this as a potential punishment for SCP-423 if it misbehaves.
- 423 is a character named Fred who moves from book to book, adding himself in the story. The best there now is Ulysses, which he doesn't edit and says it hurt, and House of Leaves, which he complains was way too confusing. It's great to know that even SCPs can't figure that book out.
Results: Identical, except for the insertion of the words "ruggedly handsome" in several sections of the log.
- And then he edited Green Eggs And Ham. His response afterwards? "That was fun."
- They also gave him access to a copy of his own test log to see what he would do...
Results: No changes.Notes: SCP-423 stated the following: "You all disgust me. So. Fucking. Much."
- Sending Fred into a transcript of a ballet routine just added an extra dancer who walks onstage, looks at the other dancers, shrugs, and leaves.
- Sending him into the extended testing log for SCP-1459.
Description: Hello, I am SCP-426. I must be introduced this way in order to prevent ambiguity. I am an ordinary toaster, able to toast bread when supplied with electricity. However, when any human being mentions me, they inadvertently refer to me in the first person. Despite all attempts, there is yet to be a way to speak or write about me in the third person. When in my continuous presence for over two months, individuals begin to identify themselves as a toaster. Unless forcibly restrained, these people will ultimately harm themselves in their attempts to emulate my standard functions.
- My description is written entirely in the first person and is incredibly funny as a result. Just don't go back and read what I do to others.
Thank God there are some limits to my effects. A lot of us were really starting to get worried about me.
- The doc's note at the end:
- SCP-445:Folded Into: A paper boat/hat - When placed in water, became self-propelling at speeds of up to 60 km/h. When inverted and placed on head, subject's physical attractiveness was greatly increased in the eyes of viewers. When both were performed simultaneously, both effects were achieved, with subject reported as looking 'dead sexy' while scooting around the water upside-down.
Folded Into: Origami copy of SCP-682 - Animated halfway through folding process, causing Dr. G considerable injury. Testing session ended.Notes: Let's not try that again. - Dr. G
- Also, Experiment Log 447-A, summarized in the following line:"What is WITH you people?" - Dr. A. Clef
Accepted, Have fun. Dr. Markman
- One log details a terminated attempt to test SCP-447-2 with a dead body. The next log? SCP-447-2 is tested on Dr. Clef. Clef "threatened to kill staff members carrying out the experiment if it were not for the fact that doing so would violate experimental protocol". Or rather, he wants everyone involved in this dead and was fully willing to kill them right there and then... if that wouldn't put the SCP in contact with dead bodies. He has to wait until he's been fully cleaned of the stuff to retaliate.
- It's pretty funny how they always mention minty freshness...
- Able tries a drink based on 447-2, noting its "refreshing" flavor. But when he's told of the effects of 447-2 he just backs out and loses interest. Yes, even a psychopathic killing machine is afraid of what will happen when 447-2 meets a dead body.
- At one point, the lab runs samples of 447-2 through SCP-914. The final one involves putting a sample of SCP-447-2 into the machine at the 1:1 setting. The output is... a dead body.Further cross-testing of SCP-447-2 with SCP-914 has been enjoined by order of O5-[REDACTED].
- One researcher uses SCP-447-2 as a sexual lubricant, and states that the test "went really well". He then comments that SCP-447-2 could be marketed as such unfortunately, he doesn't think they could stop necrophiliacs from using it.
- Marketing for use with Duct Tape denied on the grounds that there's Duct Tape for Everything.
- A box of Lego turned out well; unfortunately, Lego is a known choking hazard, so no marketing applications. Then...
- One test was to submerge an (unplugged) computer in a vat of 447-2 for five minutes. It broke.
"Hey, has anyone seen my phone?"
- They didn't learn their lesson a later test involved doing the same thing to a smart phone. They had to incinerate the poor thing afterwards.
- SCP-451's Journal should be sad. But keep in mind that people still see him as normal, then imagine how the situation would look like from bystanders' points of view it becomes Fridge Brilliance humor. Especially the 6/17 entry, when he stops wearing clothes and walks around Site-19, naked, with only sneakers, and wakes up shivering the next day with the temperature dropped to 5° Celsius, forcing him to steal new clothes to wear since he incinerated his old ones. Oh, and whenever he wants something, he will steal it from his old friend's room.
- From the exploration logs of SCP-455:T2L: T2L here HQ, we sent up a man as advised and he returned in four minutes. Sent him back twice in a sprint, two minutes. We all recorded thirty to get down this far at least, and we all recorded our scout's return times as well. There is definitely something inconsistent.HQ: Proceed as planned T2L, time lapses have been recorded but we see no need to abort mission over this. Please use precautions when these lapses occur and immediately try to raise us should you suspect one so we can confirm time since last contact. In addition if radio silence is encountered use utmost discretion.
- SCP-483, pills which "de-age" the subject, in that they leave them biologically the same age but change all records of them to say they're younger;Note: I've always been paranoid about memetic and mind-altering effects. Lucky for me, my countermeasures saved my memory from the overdose. Unfortunately, however, I've lost my clearance, seniority, staff, awards, retirement date, and the opportunity to have my aging mother ever recognize me again. Fixing at least some of these problems would be simple; that is, if anyone knew who the hell I was! That's the last time I get a rookie to draw up an experimental procedure for me, goddamn it. - Dr. BlastNote: Dr. Blast, please refrain from using official documentation as a medium to voice complaint. That you're 2 weeks old is no excuse. - Dr. ████████
- This line from an After Action report about an incident wherein a D-Class prevents SCP-498 from getting out of control: "... D-4112 was treated for severe internal bleeding, commended for preventing a potentially catastrophic containment breach, and successfully terminated at the end of the month."
- "SCP personnel below Level 3 are now banned from handling SCP-500. This is not to be used to cure a hangover. Get AIDS and then ask permission."
- A happy accident leading from the constant changing of SCP numbers being deleted and reassigned Funny enough that when SCP-503 was deleted and reassigned yet again, the article (the pasta pot, that is) was eventually dug up again and put back up as an archived item.
- Similarly, there's a Foundation Tale about a Nazi research operation into an SCP where the original article was deleted and reassigned. While the number is redacted out in the title to account for this, it's still visible in the URL, so the Nazis apparently had a facility to research a bowl that produces noodle soup when you're hurt.
- SCP-504, a series of tomatoes that attack anyone or anything that tells bad jokes in its proximity.
- "Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken."
- The Take That! in the test notes:Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook)
Result: At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.
- And this:Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit.
Result: Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.
- And this:Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke.
Transcript: "2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part; we still have to find the imaginary part".
Result: Supersonic blast detected; computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Sensor readings indicate an approximate speed of 3500 km/h (2174 mph).
- One test subject told a deliberately terrible, ill-paced joke. He was promptly killed by a tomato that broke the sound barrier.
- 504's reaction to exposure to The Funniest Joke In The World:Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
Subject: A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch "The Funniest Joke in the World".
Transcript: "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
Result: Tomato explodes. Debris clocked at 137 mph. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter all other components proved functional after cleanup.
- SCP-507, a man subject to Random Transportation, is subject to mostly scary alternate worlds. Still, there are at least two post-retrieval requests ("Food and water 'that doesn't taste like sand.' Granted." and "One camera; subject stated 'the view was breathtaking'. Denied.") and this dialogue in what appears to be a prison world:The prisoner then pleaded with the subject to release him from his cell. Subject [SCP-507], jokingly, replied that he would free the prisoner if he promised not to stab the subject upon release. There was roughly a seven second pause before the prisoner asked what stabbing was. After a moment of deliberation, the subject defined stabbing as The creation of a new orifice through the use of a pointed object. Another pause followed. The prisoner eventually affirmed that he could not stab the subject, because all of his objects were very blunt.
- One shift landed him in a dimension consisting of an "endless forest of apple trees" and a race of people who all looked like Dr. King, with a message for Dr. King. According to the report, Dr. King is apparently one of them and all the appleseeds were his people trying to communicate with him and get him to come home. 507 asks if he can give the message to Dr. King:Denied, for the safety of SCP-507.
- One shift landed him in a dimension consisting of an "endless forest of apple trees" and a race of people who all looked like Dr. King, with a message for Dr. King. According to the report, Dr. King is apparently one of them and all the appleseeds were his people trying to communicate with him and get him to come home. 507 asks if he can give the message to Dr. King:
- SCP-514, a flock of doves that shuts down any attempt at violence and disables all weapons in its area of effect. This results in groups fighting to control it using... alternate methods of conflict resolution.O5-██: Are you serious? The fate of one of our SCPs could be decided on the outcome of rock-paper-scissors?!Captain ████████: I assure you sir, you have nothing to fear. We are dead serious about these matters.O5-11: Captain, couldn't you have chosen a more dignified game as your primary conflict resolution method? Seeing two grown men in all-black tactical gear taking a children's card game so seriously is off-putting.
- The ending of SCP-523.Note: Since it seems that SCP-523's transformations are more or less proportional to the gravity of the situation it is being used for, it is imperative that it be destroyed immediately in the event of an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, as it may turn into something that would further exacerbate the situation. Like the Sun. -Dr. Willis
- SCP-539 Test 539-1:"Security personnel ordered to line up all with clear lines of sight on tester, with instructions to not break eye contact with tester under any circumstances. When the disc was thrown, the security personnel experienced a "sudden wardrobe existence failure", causing all of them to lose eye contact with the tester, being more concerned with the loss of clothing and the issue of the climate being rather uncomfortable to a nude security guard."
- SCP-555 draws dead matter to it, with its radius of effect growing as more is attracted. Now, in general the containment procedures leave out instructions not to do obviously stupid things, but since it involves dead bodies...SCP-555 is never to be stored in the same site as SCP-447.
- SCP-572, which is a parody of ignorant wannabes who obsess over the "quality" of cheap, impractical swords.Should the sword be successfully wrested away from an affected subject (preferably using long-handled tongs to prevent the retriever being affected), all psychological effects can usually be expunged by a single swift blow to the back of the subject's head.
- SCP-586. A small green piece of pipe that makes people use Malapropers when writhing about it. Once you've gotten juiced to translating the typographical eras, it's hilarious.Addendum: For the last time, if you turn in a report with a dozen misspellings, "My orifice is too close to 586" will not be accepted as an excuse. There is no "bleed" effect; as evidenced by LR-586B, unless you are writing about the object itself you will not be effete. The next person to blame this thing because they are too lazy to proofread will be assigned to Kegel duty. Dr. █████
- SCP-606, while otherwise silent, suddenly became... talkative:God dammit, which one of you [REDACTED] gave it 2 MB of porn? It's already being considered for Keter, now we can't get it to shut up about [DATA EXPUNGED].
- Abusing SCP-661, a rude saleman with the power of a Compelling Voice.- '████. It ████████ reeks in here. Open a god ████ window or something' (Denied. Security Officer ██████ farted instead.)
- His rudeness prompts passive-aggressive torment from the guards and researchers. When he asks for a Pepsi, they give him a Coca-Cola, and a Monkees album instead of Led Zeppelin.
- Normally, Containment Procedures are there to heighten the dread of an object's effects. SCP-677's Containment Procedures do something similar, but to a slightly different effect...SCP-677 is currently in the vicinity of Saturns orbit.
- SCP-705, an army of miniature clay soldiers and tanks.In less than an hour, SCP-705 had taken control of the Mr. Coffee machine, declaring independence and control over the region. The assault was routed when Dr. Rights brushed them away from the burner, resulting in massive casualties and a complete rout. Interviews with SCP-705 remark on this day with great fear and resentment.
- SCP-731's "rebuttal" to the scientists' experiments is simply funny.
- SCP-732 is an entity of sorts which vandalizes articles with bragging L33t L1ng0 $%^&and has psykic powers and can blow peple up with teh blink of an eye#$%^. Its appearances in other articles are also played for laughs, such as an incident report where it's explained a Self-Insert managed to be killed because its entry was corrupted by 732, making it look much more powerful than he seemed.
- The insult box.
- They attempted to "defeat" SCP-738 by putting him against the Foundation's legal counsel. It was amazing."Come back any time. I haven't had so much fun in years!"
- On the same page, 738 negotiating with the "dyslexic and seriously mentally retarded" D-class. It actually feels bad about it.
- SCP-743 is a Keter chocolate fountain that devours people. The Foundation plans to feed condemned D-class personnel to it. What do they call this plan? Death By Chocolate.
- The entry for SCP-756, a miniature solar system:Planet III: mostly ocean dotted with islands of varying biome, presently inhabited by a sentient species of nomadic reptilians, with a religion based on ocean tides and the unexpected sight of Doctor ████████'s helmeted face in the night sky.Addendum: Any personnel caught placing glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls of the cell will be reassigned to paperwork.In the event that Planet IVs inhabitants attempt to build another satellite weapon (see Incident Report SCP-756 A), personnel assigned to remove it must remain aware that although missiles fired from IV's surface cannot penetrate standard-issue spacesuits, helmets or visors, weapons platforms will almost certainly fire more quickly than the average human being can move.
- SCP-807 is a plate which turns all food placed on it into extremely unhealthy treats. Soon enough, placing fatty food on it was prohibited after someone placed a Luther Burgernote on it.
- A D-Class with little intelligence and imagination is tested on SCP-825, a helmet that uses disturbing (to the person) audio/visual hallucinations.Results: As expected the subject reported perceiving confinement in a room with several rodents. When asked if he was being bitten, the subject responded "No... wait, now they are." Further suggestions as to how the vision could be worse (e.g., larger rats, being restrained, being confined in a tiny box filled with rats, the rats specifically attacking subject's eyes and genitals) were all subsequently introduced into the subject's vision after a short delay.
- SCP-826 is a set of bookends which can portal users into the universe of whichever book is placed between its halves.On ██/██/20██, SCP-826 was discovered to be missing by Dr. Clopine, who alerted Foundation security personnel. Security camera footage revealed assistant researcher D█████ V████████ had removed SCP-826 before leaving for the night. Personnel then proceeded to V████████'s apartment, where they detained him as he was entering the building. Searching his bag, Personnel found SCP-826 along with a new bottle of KY Warming Gel and a DVD copy of The Little Mermaid. SCP-826 was returned to the Foundation and V████████ has since been reassigned to Keter Duty.
- SCP-846, a small toy robot, with hundreds of accessories hidden in its chest cavity. It is sentient but is quite single-minded, leading to...SCP-846: THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE IS EQUIPPED WITH OVER A HUNDRED NEW ROBO-ACCESSORIES AND ROBO-FEATURES, INCLUDING 'VOICE ACTION', 'POWER PUNCH' AND 'ROBO-DANCE'. ROBO-DUDE WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ROBO-DANCE.Dr. ███████: No thank you, SCP-846, I'd like to -(At this point, SCP-846 began a 'Robo-Dance', which lasted twenty-three (23) minutes. SCP-846 ignored all questions during this time period.)
- SCP-871, a collection of 237 cakes which, if eaten, will replace themselves within 24 hours and if not eaten will replicate themselves. Seems normal enough, but the funny part is that it's categorized as Keter class, with Foundation scientists estimating that an uncontrolled outbreak would destroy the world by drowning it in cake! Also, the containment procedures suggest executing any D-class who refuses to eat the cake. Eat that cake or die. It goes on to say that personnel who do eat a cake can volunteer to eat more, those who've consumed one should not be permitted access to any other SCP projects, and their monthly termination can be postponed if they exhibit "exceptional usefulness". Yes, as a D-class you can get a risk-free job that lets you survive indefinitely so long as you're willing to keep eating a lot of cake.
- Parts of this log, especially:Sample 887-1111: The musical score for "SCP Foundation, The Musical"Personally, I think we should try to sell this to Broadway. I mean, really; how else are you going to see Dr. Bright and Dr. Clef belting out a duet about SCP-682's eating habits? -Dr. Edison
- Also, the test log for SCP-914, which is big enough to require its own page.
- Subject 9-3-1is rather humorous, yesand should be here, too.
- A test log of SCP-978, a camera that produces photographs of what the subject really wants to be doing:Subject: Kitten (stray lab animal)
Photographs Activity: Being held for the picture by Dr. █████
Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - I would NEVER do that to a kitten! -Dr. █████
- When describing a photo of Dr. Clef after arguing with Dr. Bright, his head has been replaced with a fist giving a middle finger.
- SCP-890, the doctor who can operate on machines, is shown with the camera on his desk, rolling his eyes and gesturing for it to get out.When shown the photograph, SCP-890 stated that although it would never actually "be that rude to a patient", it has "no time for hypochondriacs".
- The one for 682 shows it having killed several personnel and mauling the photographer.Notes: Well, that was predictable. -Dr. Valence
- And then there's the one of 053:Subject: SCP-053
Photographed Activity: Coloring in a coloring book.
Photo Result: Riding on SCP-682's back in a pastoral setting; SCP-682 is wearing a bright red hair-bow and a floral dress similar to SCP-053's favored clothing, and has bright pink nail polish on its claws. Adult humans are present, but facial features are indistinct.
- They also ran tests on researchers:Subject: Research Assistant James ██████
Photographed Activity: Smiling for the camera, neutral pose.
Photo Result: Subject is shown looking much more tired and unprofessional, drinking from a flask.
Subject: Research Assistant ███ ██████
Photographed Activity: Smiling for the camera, neutral pose.
Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - Research Assistant ███ ██████ is placed on temporary psychiatric leave.
Subject: Dr. ██ ██████
Photographed Activity: Smiling for the camera, neutral pose.
Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] expresses extreme embarrassment and apologies for this.
- And one on several people trapped in an eleven-second-long "Groundhog Day" Loop:Subject: Participants in SCP-176, photographed at 3.1 seconds through the 11.3-second cycle.
Photographed Activity: Working on the device.
Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #1): [DATA EXPUNGED]
Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #2): [DATA EXPUNGED]
Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #3): [DATA EXPUNGED]
Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #4): Kissing unidentified researcher #2
Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #5): Using the toilet
- And when they used it on Dr. King, the photo result was a macro-image of an apple seed.
- "Sing-along guidelines". That is all.
- While much of SCP-993, a kids' show that blanks out the minds of adult viewers while programming children into psychopaths, is pure Nightmare Fuel, including the episode logs, the final two episodes detailed are darkly humorous. The next to last is titled 'Bobble The Clown Hates You', and is just the titular clown staring angrily at the screen for half an hour, possibly in response to when the SCP Foundation began blocking the transmission of the episodes. The last is given the title '[EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU', and it is directed right at the SCP Foundation, including detailing all the best ways to breach security protocols and cause the most amount of damage to the facility. Apparently, 'Bobble The Clown' is not pleased by the fact that the SCP Foundation has succeeded in blocking his transmissions.
Series II (SCP- 1000 to SCP-1999)
- SCP-1006 is a cluster of spiders. Communist spiders. The clincher is the following:Once supplied a source of black ink and poster sheets, SCP-1006 will communicate with humans by creating signs written in English. These communications are largely centered around demands for the dismantling of western imperialism, a scathing critique of the bourgeoisie, and a request for less mosquito spraying in the surrounding area of the park.
- Not straight-up funny like most of these, but SCP-1025 is a glorious bit of metafictional commentary by way of Reality Ensues. At first, it looks like your typical Keter-class object with a long experiment log killing a bunch of class-Ds, which eventually degenerates into an Apocalyptic Log... and then someone from O5 comes along and says that absolutely no unusual pathogens were detected and all the thing actually causes is "hypochondria by proxy." He/she then wonders who thought it was a good idea wasting all this money on the SCP, cuts the research funding, stuffs the book in a locker, and reclassifies it to "Safe."
- SCP-1068's product description is hilariously over the top, and it of course includes the mandatory Unreadable Disclaimer.
- SCP-1126 is a palm tree dressed in a dark grey trench coat which is capable of speech and somehow locomotion, and acts like a captured spy from a Get Smart-esque criminal organization, T.R.O.P.I.C."My confederables Agent Spanish Moss and Agent Jewel Beetle are waiting for me on the outside."
- 1147 is a plum tree of unknown species that grows in anything the seeds are planted in. The whole tree takes on similar physical attributes to the material it was planted in, including the leaves, flowers and fruit. They tested the results of growing 1147 in a variety of materials, some with very obvious non-scientific objectives.
- This test:SCP-1147-MOSubstance: $2,183 US in mixed bills, shredded and mixed with water to form pulp.Result: Similar structure to SCP-1147-PA, but trunk is a pale green in color. Leaves bear a random mix of symbols and images commonly found on currency, but do not resemble complete and passable bills. Flowers have the scent of fresh dollar bills.Fruit: A paper skin filled with dark ink. Sample of ink had a mild plum flavor.Notes: I told you it wouldn't work. I'm glad I didn't chip in to the collection. -Dr. Laurel
- There's also the comment that the head researcher makes after one test where they grew one tree in beer:"I would recommend disciplinary action against Researcher Adams for liberally sampling SCP-1147-BE-2 before proper D-Class testing, but I believe the hangover is punishment enough."
- It stops being so funny when they start growing it in animal-based materials, though. Though the doctor's response afterwards may give a bit of levity:"This is exactly why I went into botany in the first place."
- The fact that growing the tree in milk essentially produces fruit-shaped lumps of brie is pretty funny, especially with this bit:"Serves well with white wine."
- SCP-1160, an invincible spectral bird whose size and aggression inversely correlates to the number of people aware of its existence. At the time of discovery, it measured 85 meters tall almost 280 feet! It quickly became clear to the Foundation that successfully containing 1160 meant spreading awareness of it as widely as possible. So they turned it into a breakfast cereal mascot. Currently, 1160 measures only 25 centimeters tall, and any dip in the market value of Super Coco Pows cereal is considered a major security risk.
- SCP-1171-1 is a monstrous eldritch abomination that hates humans. Think less "Adolf Hitler in Cthulhu's body" and more "your white trash idiot friend who keeps complaining about black people".SCP-1171: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M NOT RACIST OR ANYTHING. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE HUMAN.
- SCP-1233, MOON CHAMPION! He's an invincible, incredibly hammy Cloudcuckoolander in a spacesuit (or possibly just an animated spacesuit) who believes himself to be the defender of a race of "Moon People". He speaks mainly in non sequiturs, and chews the scenery with every line. Also, it's implied he can't actually see anything through his visor. Here's his introduction, which is a crowning moment of funny in its own right:Moon Champion: (Speaking to a 32-year-old man) Greetings, little girl. I am MOON CHAMPION, champion of the MOON, defender of space justice and destroyer of evil.
- SCP-1247, albeit in a very darkly humorous way. The SCP is a man who, after watching the movie Holes, perceives any animal as looking exactly like Shia LaBeouf. In the buff. The clincher, though, is the punchline:SCP-1247's copy of 'Holes' has been recovered. Testing has determined no anomalous effects. SCP-1247 has expressed disinterest in a second viewing.
- SCP-1295 are the Four Horsemen, who arrived early when War mistook the Hiroshima bombing for the End of Days. Now Dwight, Warren, Fredrick and Pat just hang out in a diner, waiting for the real deal.
"Just fucking take it!"
- It's funny enough that there's a "deliver-a-llama" SCP, but the real hilarity comes when they asked it for SCP-1545, Larry the Loving Llama, a two-person llama suit wearing galoshes.
- One order results in the delivery of a lama... as in, a Buddhist holy man, who has no idea how the hell he got there.
- SCP-1313, a mathematical equation to which the answer is a single female grizzly bear, is hilarious for anybody who's familiar with math, including things like:That SCP-1313 can be used as an element of other equations to produce semi-anomalous results. For example, √SCP-1313 resolves to the square root of a live grizzly bear likewise, SCP-13132 is the product of two live grizzly bears multiplied together. It is not recommended that such 'derivative' equations be solved, as the creatures produced are usually poorly integrated into our reality, and invariably extremely hostile during their brief periods of existence1.That grizzly bears exist within the set of all real numbers, and are not prime. The square root of a grizzly bear is prime, however, and is the only prime number that a) is not a cardinal number, b) is neither even nor odd, and c) contains an animal component. The implications that the root of a bear is an integer, and therefore that bears themselves exist on an ordinary number-line, are currently being investigated by Prof. Hutchinson.This is footnote 1:Research into the possible military applications of irrational, exponential, and imaginary grizzly bears is currently being undertaken by a joint team from the Foundation's mathematical and zoological departments.
- SCP-1352. Basically, just imagine a dog as a tornado.
- SCP-1357 is, itself, not very funny. However, some may recognize the page image from a certain image macro◊.
- SCP-1370, a rather hostile robot with grandiose appetites for destruction that is really just incapable of harming anything. To give you an idea of how incapable, a test log shows it losing against a potted plant. No, not another SCP, just an ordinary potted plant.If SCP-1370 encounters an object it believes to be sapient, it will attempt to engage the object in combat while introducing itself with a variety of elaborate titles which appear to be selected at random. Examples include Doom Bot 2000, Robo Lord the Destructor, Prime Minister Sinister and Darth Claw Killflex. SCP-1370 will often include variations to these titles based on responses it receives from personnel; Foundation staff have successfully introduced Patheticon the Garglemost and Pester Bot to its lexicon.
- The article for SCP-1373 introduces a Mobile Task Force specializing in containing anomalies that threaten marine vehicles. They are MTF Theta-5, "The Bigger Boat".
- Although some aspects of SCP-1425 fall under Nightmare Fuel or Paranoia Fuel, the TV show transcripts swing more toward Black Comedy.
- SCP-1442 is a sentient corporation that tries to flirt with one of the Foundation's fronts. The humor is in the buildup, in this case. The article starts with an undercover infiltration, making sure no one is aware about the SCP itself being sentient. You read about how it seems to be subtly manipulating people in order to send its messages, as well as think properly, and how it constantly makes attempts to communicate. And then you read the messages, expecting a powerful, possibly malevolent entity, and the messages are less "threats and ill omens" and more "chatroom flirting".i'm est. 1984/$324 per share/Boston HQ you?
- SCP-1459 is full of Black Comedy Animal Cruelty, especially the last four tests with the Maintenance Technician. Even if you do like puppies, the myriad ways 1459 kills them are so utterly absurd, you can't help but laugh:
"You are definitely going to Hell for this.
- Killed by "The Judicial System"? Numerous puppies, one of them dressed in the stereotypical judge's robe and wig, and another dressed in a police uniform (presumably the bailiff), the rest sitting on a bench. The initial dog is "sentenced" to death and hung. The others were killed the same way shortly after.
- Killed by "civil war"? A man dressed in a Confederate uniform from circa 1863 (so, the American Civil War) walks out and kills the puppy.
- Killed by "BATMAN!"? A stone bust of him falls out of the ceiling and crushes the puppy.
- Plead for the puppy's life by crying "Please, no kill dog!"? 1479 literally pets the dog... and then pulls out a kitten and kills that instead.
- Then there's the extended testing log. Including "assassination", in which the puppy is dressed like Abraham Lincoln before being poisoned, beaten, stabbed, and shot the last of which produces two bullet holes even though only one was fired.
- Dr. King tries using the machine. The puppy gets crushed by an avalanche of apple seeds.
- Choosing "dog fighting" results in the two puppies being placed in miniature World War I biplanes and made to perform an aerial battle.
- One researcher made the mistake of choosing "Surprise me." The machine waited 20 minutes until the doctor got closer, then delivered a massive screamer-style shock of loud sounds and scary images that gave him a heart attack and killed the dog from shock. It then dispensed aspirin.
- The machine is also flexible enough for different interpretations of its commands. For instance, "Supernova" resulted in the puppy being beaten to death by various Supernova-model implements. "Poker" introduced several other puppies playing poker, and the losers being killed by a fireplace poker. "Titanium" resulted in a puppy being killed by a CD single for the song "Titanium".
- The request "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Critique of Pure Reason." had already been used.
- Somehow, Dr. Callagher's "request" (which consisted of him screaming nonstop for the entire 15-seconds period where you're allowed to make your request) was accepted, and resulted into the puppy being bludgeoned to death by a miniaturized clone of Dr. Callagher who also screamed nonstop for the entire duration. The resulting cookie contained "toxic amounts of capsaicin", implying that the machine wasn't too happy with him for screaming into its mic.
- "Noodles" draws curtains over the machine and makes it unclear what exactly killed the dog or how its corpse ended up the way it did. Actual noodles, however, were clearly not involved.
- When an unaware researcher comes across the machine and says "Um, what?", the machine produces a dog with a digital collar that patiently spells out the rules of the game and it provides a demonstration.
- "Unfunny Jokes" results in lethal Produce Pelting to a stand-up comedian puppy. The machine itself then indulges in some unfunny jokes by pulling the corpse off with a Vaudeville Hook and proclaiming "That's the way the cookie crumbles"...and producing a crumbled cookie as the prize.
- The first attempt at "Great Wall Of China" instead decides to be the great firewall of China, and a dog is beaten by guards for accessing censored Internet content.
- "Bludgeoning, but the puppy is only to be hit exactly 7 times, and once this is completed, exactly 33.55 kg of Kingsford brand charcoal is to be placed on the puppy. 3 Samsung Galaxy s6 mobile phones are to placed around the puppy in a triangular formation, and each phone is to have both "Premium Tetris" and "Dog Barking Translator" installed on them. Once this is done, put a thermonuclear bomb inside the machine that is exactly 3 cm in width and 10 cm in height, and it is to be placed on the second Samsung Galaxy s6 placed in there. It is to be detonated using a functioning remote control made entirely out of sausages." It's already been done.
- "Don't kill anything" produces two dogs, one labeled "Anything", who is spared.
- "Something incomprehensible" results in the puppy being beaten to death with a copy of Finnegans Wake.
- One researcher managed to say "SCP-68-" before being punched out by the nearby security guard. The machine accepted the interrupted entry by dispensing a puppy version of SCP-068 which then electrocuted the original puppy.
- "Death ray" resulted in a stingray with a dog skull marking stinging the puppy, and "Stingray" resulted in a wasp that set the puppy on fire with a laser beam.
- Some curious researcher decided to try have the puppy die by Procedure 110-Montauk. The machine REFUSED, just harmlessly removing the dog and giving the researcher a cookie filled with cyanide.
- SCP-1472. Velociraptors in Meido costumes are involved. The entire thing is just so bizarrely hilarious.
- SCP-1492, an armored car which steals valuable things by teleporting them inside itself and leaves snarky messages in their place, tries to steal a SCP item. The message left behind? "what the hell is that get it off oh shit oh shit take it back"
- SCP-1541, which can basically be summed up as a long-forgotten deity who harasses the descendants of his followers. Via text messages. While drunk. The message log between SCP-1541 and a woman he constantly pesters to worship him has to be seen to be believed.
- SCP-1570 (NSFW) is the corpse of an old woman who, for whatever reason, projects a ghost of itself in random areas, especially where weird shit happens. In life, she was a huge fan of shock-jock moral outrage against weird people, in the vein of shows like The Jerry Springer Show, and died watching an episode of Geraldo about men wearing women's underwear. That's not funny. What's funny is that one of the containment efforts involved SCP Agents dressing in assless chaps, as seen in the photo she's heavily implied to be directly responsible for San Francisco, Austin, Las Vegas, and the Burning Man Festival being known hubs of weirdness, because the Foundation decided the best way to contain her was to get counterculture stuff like SF's infamous BSDM festival.
- SCP-1618 is a gold-plated urinal that, when urinated in, turns objects associated with capitalism into various disgusting things. Bank notes become toilet paper, a luxury Armani suit becomes a weave of used sanitary towels held together with dental floss, a smartphone becomes an inflated pig bladder, and a truncheon becomes a severed Gag Penis of equivalent length. Human feces, on the other hand, turns into gold. This usually causes severe intestinal distress to those nearby.
- SCP-1689 is a sack containing a pocket dimension filled with potatoes; the only ones allowed to open it are Level 3 personnel and the kitchen staff. Some highlights from the exploration log:"They told me today I was going to be leading Fredrick, Carlen, and Xander into a sack of potatoes. Okay.""We ran out of food rations today. Xander freaked out and started saying we were going to starve, until I told him he was a fucking idiot."
- SCP-1722 is a crudely decorated stick that, when brought near any written or recorded document, infests said document(s) with commentary from a grumpy old man. Some of the more hysterical testing logs:On a sappy romance novel: AND THEN THEY FUCKED AND GOOD GOD THIS PROSE IS PURPLE. (written in block capitals, one letter per page)
Hamlet's soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2: GODDAMMIT SHUT UP.
Singing along (badly) to Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone"
On its own testing logs: Oh look, its a guy with a stick. Wonderful, wonderful. Another guy walks in, Hey Bob, hows it going? Oh, you know, just holding this stick here. Oh really that sounds interesting! Here, hold this book. Gee wiz, Frank, now Im holding both a stick and a book and aaaaaaaaaaaargh do something already!
On the writings of an 18th century member of British parliament: Look, now, youre on the right track here, but just think about what youre saying. Stomping down on the colonists is just going to get ugly for all parties involved. Best option would be to keep them as a semi-autonomous district, with a locally elected official serving as regional governor, accompanied by a second position who serves as representative in parliament. Also, knock it off with those curly fs. Theyre annoying as shit to read.
On a fan fiction: This is the fifth apostrophe Ive had to place in THIS FUCKING PARAGRAPH. You know what? Fuck it. Im not reading this anymore. [The remaining 71 pages are unedited.]
- SCP-1731 is a refrigerator covered in Noodle Implements that functions otherwise as a normal refrigerator, but if a ridiculously elaborate 100-step summoning ritual is completed (which had multiple parts of it obscured in the instructions found with the refrigerator, and it took the Foundation an entire year to figure out the missing parts even when the summoning circle necessary for the ritual gives a visual indication on a successful completion of a step), it causes a seemingly threatening Eldritch Abomination to be manifested. The problem is that the entity in question always manages to disturb its own summoning ritual in some way, which instantly desummons the entity and requires the ritual to be set up again (such as wiping away the runes needed for the ritual or knocking over the refrigerator itself), giving the impression that the entity in question is either bound by the ritual itself to disturb its own summoning ritual, doesn't want to be summoned to begin with and thus disturbs the ritual on purpose, or is just an extremely incompetent klutz who manages to always disturb the ritual and desummon itself by accident. After witnessing the entity ruining the ritual numerous times in a row, the Foundation wisely decided to move onto other SCPs.
- SCP-1746. Think of it as the anti-SCP-231-7: Like 231-7, there is a ritual to be performed for containing it which is not detailed in the report. Unlike 231-7, the lack of details makes it hilarious.[Cause of Containment Breach]: Squirrel 2 failed to carry the frozen dairy confection to its designated mark before consuming it.
- This bit from the second test log for SCP-1759. It's even funnier because 1759's anomalous effect only affects those who make contact with the art on the side of the plane. D-0215 did not.[Sniffling sounds from rear cabin]Dr. Silver: D-0215, is that you?
- SCP-1781, a theater where every movie features Hugo Weaving, even if as Professor X's chair in the X-Men Film Series. The "making of" is equally amusing, since all the scenes with Hugo Weaving inserted in were filmed with the man himself, who agreed to do so for his own dancing golem.Observation Log: 06/24/18Film Title: John Wick (2014)Role Taken: One of John Wick's handguns.Variations: During the assault on the nightclub that housed Iosef Tarasov, John Wick utilizes Hugo Weaving in a suit as one of his handguns. Notably, the scene lasts a further thirty minutes, due to John Wick requiring multiple stops to rest. Despite this, the action of the film remains the same. Hugo Weaving vocalizes gunshots, throws bullets, and is reloaded by being handed magazines.
- SCP-1839. The SCP is a book that makes the reader think they are a fish. However the effect is memetic and the entry is also trying to convince you are also a fish. This is ridiculous of course, because, since you're a fish, there's no possible way you could read the SCP entry and its attempts to convince you that you're a fish. Which you are. The best part: the addendum at the end is credited to "Dr. U. R. A. Fish."
- SCP-1867 is the self-professed "Lord Theodore Thomas Blackwood", who's entirely oblivious to the fact he happens to be a sea slug.
Series III (SCP- 2000 to SCP-2999)
- SCP-2030 is modeled off shows like Candid Camera, and while the "pranks" and implications are horrifying, there's something oddly hilarious about several octopi with the heads of Ryan Seacrest, Jack Nicholson, Johnny Cash, and Martin Freeman all singing Row Row Row Your Boat in the middle of a hospital delivery room.
- SCP-2072 is a pet cemetery in Florida that, inexplicably, also contains the grave of all former, current, and future Prime Ministers of Montenegro. There is one grave for each continuous term served perfect clones of Milo Đukanović, for example, who has served four non-consecutive terms as Prime Minister of Montenegro, are found in four separate graves. The gravestones of future prime ministers go from current Montenegrin politicians, to children, to people who have not yet been born, to Cyborgs, to a strange religious cult, to a "Godhead" comprised of silicon and, finally, end with... Milo Đukanović.
- SCP-2115 is a dating site that lets you meet extradimensional aliens. On the questionnaire you fill out to make an account, questions include "Number of poisonous body parts", "types of extremities", and this gem:"(click »here« for a description of the difference between a pet and a slave)"
D-9224: Golden retrievers are cute. FALSE[D-9224 is incinerated]D-9225: Golden retrievers are ugly. FALSE[D-9225 is incinerated]D-9226: Golden retrievers are tasty. TRUE Wait, what? That's fuckin' nasty. FALSE[D-9226 is incinerated]
- 2128 is a furnace that only burns humans that lie while inside it. It isn't humorous at first, but the last experiment log definitely is for those who enjoy Black Comedy.
- One D-Class rattles off a string of completely accurate statements that indicate that the SCP in question is alive, sentient, hungry, and sadistic. The next D-Class who is put in gives a statement that allows for just a tiny bit of potential falsehood or misunderstanding, and he is burned in a particularly agonizing fashion. This is one SCP that doesn't appreciate being trolled.
- SCP-2164 consists of two people: a Wizard Classic who talks in Middle English, and a Granola Girl. They both can do actual magic in the styles one would expect, except it stops working when you get too far away. And they don't get along with each other. At all.
- One item sold by SCP-2197: a telephone which receives a call despite not being plugged in, always resulting in a young girl's voice saying "seven days". After that period of time, the nearest phone to the answerer rings, and when picked up, the same girl simply reminds them it's been seven days and hangs up, and nothing else happens.
- SCP-2206, a radio broadcast from an alternate universe where baseball is a Blood Sport with Calvin Ball tendencies. Even better are the MLB Teams analogues, combining puns, in-jokes, and just plain absurdity. Shenanigans include:
- The Minnesota Twins are the Minnesota Clones, consisting only of genetic replicas. The roster has remained unchanged since 1985.
- The Montreal Expos never left, and play in the active crater of Mount Royal.
- The Detroit Tigers are the Detroit Wolverines, where "members of the team appear to be immortal."
- The Philadelphia Phantoms have been cursed to haunt their own stadium until they win a season. This is regardless of the fact that, as ghosts, they're literally incapable of playing anywhere other than their home stadium.
- The Florida Flounders (known for being the only fully-amphibious baseball team) regularly plays against the Atlantis Aquatics on the Pisces Cup. Not the Atlanta Aquatics, the Atlantis Aquatics. Apparently, the winner of the Pisces Cup gets fishing rights for the entire North Atlantic.
- The New York Urbans are known for assassinating rival team members. Following an incident where they took out an entire rival team's roster, "off-field murder" was banned the next season. And then the ban was lifted in 2000.
- The San Diego Whales are apparently frequently mistaken for actual whales by Japanese whaling ships and often subject to attacks from them.
- The Seattle Storms were banned for an entire season after they used divine intervention from several weather gods to turn games in their favor. New rules instituted now limit teams to "one patron deity per season."
- Meanwhile, Seattle's national team, the Autopilots, is made up of unmanned aerial drones, self-driving cars, and roombas. Somehow they're able to play.
- Finally, there's the related tale, which pretty much shows just how insanely hilarious a typical game can get. The kicker? The radio announcer describing the sports events is nearing a Despair Event Horizon because he believes his dimension's version of baseball is too boring.
- 2221 is a Magically Binding Contract hidden in the Terms of Service of various websites, causing those that agree to them to turn into hyper-religious, noose-obsessed extremists. After a successful containment of a large population of people affected by the anomaly, the Foundation finds that it has edited its own fine print:Recently discovered instances of SCP-2221 have an addition to Clause 217: "By reading this clause, members of any organizations listed in Appendix K.iv agree to go fuck themselves." The SCP Foundation was one of the organizations listed, along with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Republic of Letters, and several other groups of interest and governmental organizations.
- The entry continues to explain that personnel who read the clause have not shown any anomalous effects, including literal ones.
- 2221 is a Magically Binding Contract hidden in the Terms of Service of various websites, causing those that agree to them to turn into hyper-religious, noose-obsessed extremists. After a successful containment of a large population of people affected by the anomaly, the Foundation finds that it has edited its own fine print:
- 2270 is about a guy who spent $75,000 for a series of texts with extremely intricate and complicated explanations of rituals and incantations to call down the wrath of Nergal, Mesopotamian god of war and the Sun, upon an enemy, with the summoning itself requiring a blood sacrifice, and the price for the summoner being eternal enslavement to Nergal's furnace in the Sun upon death. The guy's target? His annoying neighbor.
- Even better, the ritual is described as being incredibly difficult to execute properly (such as reciting a 400-page incantation without ever misspeaking), and messing it up results in the summoner becoming the target of Nergal's rage instead. So what ends up happening to the summoner? He successfully completes the ritual, celebrates by drinking a lot of beer, and dies when he subsequently crashes his car into a tree.
- For added points, the texts are incomplete. The missing volume is an appeal to the caster to stop what they're doing, basically a lengthy explanation of the horrible tortures that await them should they actually complete the ritual. Idiotically, not only does the guy entirely ignore the hints in the other volumes of the awful consequences, but also asks the seller if he really has to read the whole thing.
- SCP-2293 is pretty much Mood Dissonance: The SCP. It alters media to include characters suddenly saying "Did you know that world-renowned writer Stephen King was once hit by a car? Just something to consider.", usually at a moment of drama or tension. One GAW member noted that it happened during an episode of Game of Thrones, with a character saying it right before executing someone. It's made even funnier when you read the chat logs surrounding it and realize that bluntfiend created it as a joke, and the Foundation finding out about it and considering it Keter-class was just a bonus.
- SCP-2305 is a leaflet that outlines possible neutralization techniques for Euclid and Keter SCPs, how harmful the aftermath of these techniques would be, and "the moral of the story". The extended documentation includes one for 2123, the aftermath of which is an absolutely ridiculous chain reaction of SCP effects that would ultimately destroy the entire universe. What makes this one funny is the moral:"The moral of the story": Everybody hates you. Everybody.
- While most of SCP-2310 is serious, there is one funny bit.2310-As acting under Foundation direction enter the house. Several of these volunteers are threatened with guns by converted agents. However, the original Sarah Palmer was unfamiliar with the operation of assault rifles, and none of the converted agents are able to turn off the safety.
- SCP-2325, a peaked cap and several accompanying security headsets. If somebody tries to shoot someone wearing the cap, anyone wearing the headset will be forced to take the bullet. No matter what. The testing logs, as the Foundation tries to determine the limits of 2325's power, are an escalating series of Black Comedy moments.
- SCP-2337, AKA "Dr. Spanko":
Upon containment, SCP-2337 appeared to take hostile action against Foundation personnel, emitting blasts of noise that ruptured the eardrums of 3 agents. Upon later examination, it was revealed that SCP-2337 was attempting to make friendly conversation.
- Dr. Spanko is a talking bird with a bizarre speech pattern who takes having No Indoor Voice to comically absurd levels.
Dr. ██████: Please discontinue yodeling.
- The following phrase during Dr. Spanko's interview:
- Spanko is a walking CMOF in every article it appears in. Case in point: its Character Blog Ask Dr. Spanko, which contains what little there is of an English-to-Spanko dictionary:Basic Angler (n.) The name SCP-2337 gives for the language he speaks. SCP-2337 also claims to be fluent in Japanimation, French Fries, Universalistics and Antidisestablishmentarianism, each of which appear to be a separate language loosely based on Japanese, French, Esperanto, and Cockney Rhyming Slang, respectively. As efforts to translate these languages have proven especially difficult, SCP-2337 has been asked to stick to his "native tongue" when communicating with Foundation personell. See Document 2337-████-C: I Need A New Computer Because The One I Was Using Literally Melted When I tried to Translate The Stuff Dr. Spanko Was Saying for more information on these other languages.
Shiny Brown Pygmy Lemons (n.) Coffee Beans. Not to be confused with Shiny Brown Pygmy Limes, Happy Color Pygmy Lemons, Shiny Lemon Brown Pygmys, and Coffee Beans.
rub your face in jell-o (id.) Meaning unknown, but possibly a literal instruction.
happy lettuce dance (id.) A euphemism for corn crake mating rituals.
She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe (n.) Used to refer to SCP-2337 mother. At this time, it is unknown whether "She-Mom" is an actual name, or if it is a common term used by members of SCP-2337's species.
mashed potato (n. v. adj.) Linguistically equivalent to "(v.) Donated", "(v.) Obtained", "(v.) Pilfered", "(adj.) Pertaining to the campaigns of Genghis Khan" or "(n.) Coleslaw", depending on context.
- Then there's this:Dr. King: Dear Dr. Spanko, I think I'm starting to come down with a cold. Do you have any advice?
Dr. Spanko: Appleseeds!18
- This is note 18:Appleseeds: General advice to the effect of taking things easy, getting plenty of sleep, and drinking plenty of water. Perhaps one of the most well-understood idioms in SCP-2337's vocabulary.
- Showing the Church of the Broken God can get weird, SCP-2360 are teenagers who became integrated to their Xbox 360 consoles, run on a liquid mixture of Mountain Dew and Doritos, and do nothing but play Modern Warfare. And as a nice bonus, there are several notes in the article and interview logs taking potshots at the Xbox 360's poor design quality."It's how we're gonna transcend. Like meditation. Except epic. Every point we score, we get closer. Every match we win, that's a step away from meatspace. We are the most pro that there has ever been. The aimbot is within us. And we will reach heaven with no-scopes."
- SCP-2398 is a baseball bat that makes living things explode when swung at them. Testing had to be suspended after the following chain of Disaster Dominoes:During setup of the swinging robotic arm rig, the arm swings prematurely, striking Dr. Towns in the arm and causing him to violently explode. The swinging robotic arm rig is destroyed. The resulting explosion causes SCP-2398 to arc across the test chamber and strike the test pig, which also violently explodes. That explosion causes SCP-2398 to then strike two D-Class personnel used as operators in earlier tests, who also violently explode. The test chamber is destroyed as a result of the four explosions. SCP-2398 is unaffected, and later placed back into containment.
- SCP-2416 is Too Dumb to Live personified. Each iteration of his death is pretty ridiculous, but there are a few that really take the cake.SCP-2416-3: Overconsumption of pepper sauce. Witnesses report that SCP-2416-3 was attempting to become "the spiciest".
SCP-2416-8: [REDACTED] The badgers suffered only minor injuries.
SCP-2416-18: Climbed into Site-59 incinerator. Was looking for a bathroom.
- Among his list of deaths are three separate incidents; one involving a table saw, another involving a rattlesnake, and the third involving Chilean anarchists. What do they all have in common? In each case, his last reported words were "gimme a kiss".
- SCP-2439 is notable for being an "article" written by D-Class staff. As in, they've written a full article on the wall of a containment cell where they're fairly sure no higher-ups will see it. This is because if the higher-ups found out about it, it could control them, which the D-Class are assuming would be very very bad. The fun part is that there are random extra bits of graffiti in the "article", such as "BRIGHT IS A COCKSUCKING MONKEY", and this gem:what about assholes who just want to tell them?refer to containment procedures first paragraphnote
"Sir, I wanted us to nuke Carthage".
- 2513 is a bridge that makes you utterly despise Carthage, or anything and anyone that now lives where Carthage used to be. In practice, the levels of sheer hate produced, and the fact that it can be reversed if you cross the bridge north to south, combine to make it hilarious.
"I'll fucking kill you, you fucking backstabbing elephant-riding son of a bitch!".
- A D-class crossed the bridge with full intent to kill, which visibly deflated as he reached the end of it until he was mostly just confused at the end of it.
Doctor Cimmarian: A super early draft by Blarghalt was mostly an experiment log containing the line "fucking backstabbing elephant-riding son of a bitch!" and I was like "I made a good choice".
- Lengthier experiments lead to an elderly SCP official getting into flame wars with people who played Carthage in an unspecified RTS while dedicating their time to playing one Curb-Stomp Battle after another against it in another one, and vandalizing articles about Carthage in every wiki he could find.
- On a meta level, how the article came to be in the first place. According to the discussion page, one user was complaining about Carthage in Total War: Rome II, and a couple of others decided "That should totally be an SCP!"
- SCP-2557. Just the idea that a Foundation employee tried to get rich by selling the concept of this SCP number (and likely succeeded, given the testimonials in the article). Not to mention that said article is basically a big advertisement for Envelope Logistics, an investment banking firm dealing solely in abstract concepts like gender dysphoria, a specific company's HR policies, or the idea of trip hammers. There's also a form at the bottom of the page you can fill out to create an account with them. It's mostly mundane but does include a section to indicate which universe you inhabit (if any), and the payment methods range from blood tithes to lifespan partitioning to gift cards.
- SCP-2570, where an attempt to revive Adam "MCA" Yauch goes wrong because the ones doing the ritual played The Beach Boys instead of Beastie Boys. And the resulting anomaly shows an aversion to Kanye West!
- SCP-2576 is a memetic entity that somehow got stuck in the form of a goat thanks to a Pakistani goat herder, and alternates between declaiming about how humanity sucks and it's going to do terrible things to us, and acting like a typical goat. Being an unreal goat, absolutely no-one takes it seriously. At one point during an interview, SCP-2576 starts loudly complaining about its situation, at which point the goat herder calls him Pooki and slaps him, making the entity shut up.
- 2602, which used to be a library, makes people insist that a building is a former library, you know. It gets even more funny when it's insisting obvious former library things like a rack for patrons with overdue library books, Dewey radiation, and shrines housing skulls are normal for a former library to have.
- A D-Class was exposed to TYRFING, an SCP infoallergenic hazard designed to erase concepts from someone, and had their concept of libraries removed before being shown information about 2602, making them immune to the compulsion to describe it as a former library. However, everyone else is still affected by 2602, so they describe the D-Class as talking about a former library. And since the D-Class now has no concept of libraries, they can't hear their interviewers when they refer to 2602 as a former library.
- SCP-2635. So apparently the Special Containment Protocols basically consist of the SCP Foundation and the Unusual Incidents Unit passing around a Hot Potato, since if either organisation holds it for over a year, half of its members will literally burst into flames.
- That being said, the people behind its creation ain't that pleased when these two organisations decided to play against the rules:
"Jesus Christ! Stop! Please! I just took a shower!"
- To summarize, the article's title is "Cthulhu f'UCK OFF!".
- It's essentially an Eldritch Abomination who happens to be a fairly decent guy... who just so happens to spawn cults dedicated to freeing him and worshiping him in extremely profane and disgusting ways. This form of worship squicks him out, big time. He's not so much contained as voluntarily staying, so that he can minimize his contact with the outside world and keep these things to a minimum. What primarily makes this funny is his reactions, which, in spite of being an Eldritch Abomination, are identical to that of an average human being in the same situation.
- The third log also implies some hysterical things. The first being that SCP-2662 is evidently just out of its 'teen' years and is 'barely legal', 'only' two-hundred years old. The second being that the 'barely legal' comment implies that wherever it comes from, Eldritch Abominations have to be a minimum legal age before they are allowed to have a cult, and finally that getting a cult is its equivalent of getting married.
- Then there's a tale where 2662 and the above-mentioned 1171 meet in an online game. Complete with nude pictures!
- In the incident logs he twice attempts to persuade his "followers" to take up other religions like Christianity or Buddhism. There's something inherently funny about an Eldritch god's response to his followers effectively being "Y'all need Jesus."
- The third incidenct log implies that the whole "brainwashed cult" thing is not only involuntary on his part, but it's just something that happens to his species when they mature, since he notes that he's finally able to somewhat control the cultists. Basically, this whole mess is an Eldritch Abomination going through puberty.
- SCP-2702, Professor Abnormal's Science Lab. What if Bill Nye the Science Guy knew too much about The Foundation? The Mad Scientist on the page image makes it even funnier.
- The testing log for SCP-2719 has a couple of hilarious incidents once you wrap your head around it.
- One of the earlier logs, where the Foundation was apparently still futzing around with it to figure out how it works, resulted in a containment cell being put inside a D-class. The log notes "Inside dies." They then put a second cell inside the (presumably splattered) D-class before finally making a third cell the thing you put things in.
- Someone tried using it to give Dr. Bright intestinal distress. It didn't work... and the very next logs have a researcher being given to intestinal distress, presumably as retaliation by Dr. Bright.
- SCP-2741 is a box that laughs manically when you stick your hands in it, and proclaims YES YES!! MY TASK IS COMPLETE. YOU HAVE BECOME SINISTER!!. All it does is make you left-handed, i.e. "Sinister". And it broke when an ambidextrous person used it.
- SCP-2835 is a lost episode of The Adventures of Paddy the Pelican, an infamously bad cartoon series by Sam Singer. When the tape is put in a VCR, the titular character will interact with the viewer through the TV, prodding for feedback on his cartoon. He usually responds to criticism by going into incoherent and vulgar rants and then threatening them by telling them where their family lives. After all, "reap what you sow."
- SCP-2875 describes a small town in Wisconsin that becomes overrun by bears every three or so days. Some audio from a cell phone found by personnel details a possible origin for this phenomenon. The audio details the town mayor Tom Miller apparently calling up someone to send bears into the wildlife around town to get rid of the town's coyote problem, leaving his phone number for the exterminator at the end of each call. By the last call, the town has become overrun by bears. As a panicking Tom calls one last time, he is attacked by a bear himself. What makes the call funny is that while he is being mauled, he still has the nerve to leave his phone number for the exterminator before the call ends. The name of the entry deserves special mention as well: "The Town That Got Fucked By Bears".
- SCP-2902 are both capable of having their skeletons exit their bodies without any harm. They have a rather tragic backstory, which they tell us... in the form of a duet mimicking their routine at Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting. One of them is a cat. You can just feel the researcher trying not to burst out laughing as they do this.
- SCP-2928 are ninjas. In the past, they were effectively invisible due to using a Perception Filter based on what people thought ninjas were supposed to be like, but it's implied that the sudden popularity of Naruto caused people to expect Highly Visible Ninja instead. Even more hilarious? The interview log implies that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are real.note And even better than that? It's implied that the Foundation is responsible for Naruto's Arc Fatigue.
- SCP-2941 has some of the most hilariously mean containment procedures on the site. The Foundation has to make a bunch of adorable fruit people miserable or else they'll grow out of control, so they have to do things like call a melon a "hideous cube" and finger-flick a peach repeatedly while counting how many times they were able to do so. A D-Class ruins things by saying the researcher in care of the SCP has "some nice round melons", which leads to the instantaneous death of him and several other people when the melon SCP-2941-3 suddenly grows ridiculously huge.
- "SCP-2952 is a male Pembroke Welsh Corgi measuring over 30,000 kilometers in length." It only gets better from there.
- SCP-2966 is an infinite roll of toilet paper. Seems innocent enough, until you realize it also obeys the laws of thermodynamics and has to be constantly hooked up to a fusion reactor and used every eight hours, lest it go critical and create an explosion several hundred times the size of the Tsar Bomba. The hilarious part comes in when you realize that this is a roll of toilet paper of all things that manages to be Keter.
- SCP-2979 is an extremely alien-sounding word that causes anyone who hears or sees it to immediately recognize it as the name of their high school science teacher, fabricating Fake Memories, often self-contradictory, to accommodate this fact. This is not particularly funny. What it is particularly funny is the fact that said high school science teacher is A, sapient, and B, extremely unhappy with the situation:D-10380: Like, it's illegal to not say his name, right? Or are there exemptions? Oh! Yup, that's right. He told me once in class that it was only legal to not say his name during interviews. Yes, that's right. I don't know how I forgot. You're supposed to say his name when you greet people, though. It's always been like that, ever since graduation when they made us all run down the street. Good times. And it was only possible because of him and his valor during the harvest, even though he said it wasn't, all up on the podium with bags under his eyes going "Bill, you're not a high school student and I'm not a high school teacher. For the love of God do not tell the interviewer my name". But that was Mr. [REDACTED] for you.
Dr. Holloway: I suppose so. I know he'd always sing to himself around school wh-
D-10380: No he didn't.
Dr. Holloway: Yeah he did. He'd sing that one song, "Oh No There's Two of Them Now Please Make It Stop." Something like that. Really weird song, come to think of it.
- SCP-2980 is a lamp that summons a Big Red Devil. A Big Red Devil who proceeds to read bedtime stories.
- After the invasion iteration for SCP-2998 begins, the Foundation is doing their usual shtick of enacting all the global panic plans and preparing to combat the invaders. The hilarity comes with the juxtaposition of the next iteration, where the Foundation has instantly failed to stop the invaders, Earth is an alien-dominated wasteland, and the only intact part of the Foundation has undergone a theocratic coup. These theocrats spend the entire entry condemning the Foundation for heresy, worshiping the Overseers, and spouting hatred for aliens. Then, in the iteration after that, the theocrats have been wiped out and the aliens have their hands full trying to stop all the SCPs they inadvertently released. ("I think they've accidentally adopted an entire planet full of anomalies that they'll have to take care of now. I can't help but think that's pretty damn funny.") How are things solved? Surviving agents set off a dual breach of SCPs 055 and 579, resulting in a Reset Button.
- The Easter Egg relating to SCP-2999's first image reveals that one of the formerly blacked-out icons on its toolbar is Yume Nikki.
Series IV (SCP- 3000 to SCP-3999)
- SCP-3008 is the perfect blend of comedy and horror. Sure, the exploration logs contain more than enough stuff to send shivers down your spine, but considering the description of the object, it's basically all the comical stereotypes one expects of the IKEA furniture store taken Up to Eleven for scary effect, essentially resulting in Surreal Humor and Black Comedy. For those who do work at or have worked at an IKEA (or heck, retail in general), the way the "staff" mauls "customers" while they try to politely inform them that the "store" is "closed" can come off as catharsis for those who have ever had to deal with customers taking their sweet time shopping during store closing time.
- SCP-3035 is a strain of cockroach that mimics the appearance and behaviour of other living things around it. While the last couple of emails and the exploration log are Nightmare Fuel, the image of cockroaches walking around like humans, sitting at oversized tables, typing on nonexistent keyboards, and pretending to drink coffee is pretty funny.
- The beginning of the exploration log is also pretty funny:
WOLF 1: Wolf 1, here.
WOLF 2: Wolf 2, awwrrroooooooo!
WOLF 3: Wolf 3, caaawwrroooooo-kie crisps!
- SCP-3042 is an adorable small dog who just wants to love its "owner"... who will continually follow the human it is imprinted with and keep licking them until they die, upon which SCP-3042 imprints on the person it deems responsible for its previous owner's death. Also, it just so happens that the dog is invincible and can tear through any material with ludicrous speed and strength to reach its target. Especially funny is the final note in the article.Director's Note: I have assigned a Special Engineering team to modify a standard termination chamber which and I never imagined writing these words allows swift and easy escape of SCP-3042. We can't keep replacing doors every three weeks. -L.E.
- SCP-3043 is not the mysterious gumshoe Murphy Law who turns any narrative he encounters into a gritty 1940s Film Noir mystery with himself as the detective. SCP-3043 is actually a typewriter that can rewrite any physical document to suit its own purposes. And it's pretty damn pissed that Murphy Law has barged in and taken over things:STOP
JUST FUCKING STOP
HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU REWRITING MY STORY INTO YOUR OWN FUCKING STUPID HUMPHREY BOGART FANFIC NONSENSE
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY STORY NOT YOURS
- SCP-3045 is a computer application that can trim down certain types of text or video-based media file, returning a shortened version of the work inside the original file with superfluous scenes, details, and dialouges trimmed. Running those files through 3045 will result in even shorter versions, until they're reduced to simply the word "bzzz" if text-based or a black screen with a buzzing sound if video-based (unless the work in question directly reference bees, in which case things go horribly, horribly out of hand). The laconic versions of the works used have some pretty hilarious lines as a result, particularly the tests with Hamlet:HAMLET: I am moody.
CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: Do not be moody.
HAMLET: I am no longer moody.
Exit all but HAMLET.
HAMLET: I am (secretly) moody.
- The entire text of Waiting for Godot after being trimmed just once:Enter CHARACTERS.
CHARACTERS: We are waiting for GODOT.
GODOT does not arrive.
- The entire text of Waiting for Godot after being trimmed just once:
- SCP-3061: SCP-3061-1 is an Eldritch Abomination that makes deals with whoever summoned it using SCP-3061. However, the person who originally summoned it killed several people in order to summon it and was also willing to sacrifice both his children in order to... pay off his bills. The SCP's reactions are hilarious.Paul ████: Well, you see I need a lot of cash. I cant stand it around here and I want to leave. I'm in heavy debt and just want it to all go away
SCP-3061-1: Well it's pretty simple, you're not exactly the most creative are ya? But I can do that. Now you must exchange something for me in return.
(shows an image of a young child)
Paul ████: T-Tony!?
SCP-3061-1: Yes You weren't prepared for such terms weren't ya? I could come to another arrangement if you so desire though But it will —
Paul ████: No! T-thats fine! But I have another kid too, I can give you Christie as well if you want!
SCP-3061-1: (confused) Wait Pardon?
Paul ████: Do I have to wake them up? Or will you just take them?
(The SCP stares at him for several seconds)
SCP-3061-1: Aw, for fuck's sake — Is this really what I've gotten myself into!? Are you actually serious!?
Paul ████: What? I dont under-
SCP-3061-1: Of course this was going to happen Dont act like you dont fucking understand! Do you even know what youre doing? Just tell me, what sort of debt are you in to make you do this?
Paul ████: Mostly for my car An extension for my home. What does this have to do with anything?
SCP-3061-1: Bills!? Fucking bills? Why not call me up to do your goddamn taxes for you next time!? I cant do this, Im out Have fun cleaning up all your shit.
(The SCP vanishes)
SCP-3061-1: ...Did you just offer me a fucking deal?
- An interview after the SCP is contained reveals that it was offended by its target immediately agreeing to its deal. It prefers to gradually cajole and tempt people, and considers immediate gratification to be no fun at all.
- The ending line really makes it, as the skip suddenly realizes...
- SCP-3116 forcibly logs people out of whatever social media platform it was sent to them on, and if someone sends it to other people too much, they end up sleepwalking and using the Internet in their sleep. One user of it ended up proposing to their girlfriend, which went about as well as you'd imagine. (She said yes.)(removed): i had everything planned out
(removed): dinner at (restaurant removed), the expensive wine and all that
(removed): then we float up to the ceiling and the chandelire explodes into fireworks
(removed): and then everyone at the restaurant does a dance party
gaycopmp4: fuck i forgot how weird your shit is
(removed): so let me copy+paste how i ACTUALLY proposed to my girlfriend, thanks to you messing with my head
(removed): "grace we have to get married or i'm gonna SHIT"
- SCP-3166 is, for the most part, a standard anomalous entity that tortures its target... except it's Garfield themed, and its method of torture is force-feeding lasagna. It's also responsible for the infamous Halloween arc from 1989. What sells the article is the opening line of the containment procedures.The Garfield media franchise is to remain active and successful for as long as feasibly possible.
- SCP-3171 is about how, for entirely justifiable reasons, the Foundation ended up running a phone sex line for sentient plants.To the overseer council: our approach towards SCP-3171 is patently unethical. The "services" we render in exchange for fluid sacs are an affront to human (as well as plant) dignity. Foundation resources should be reallocated to research into the value system and poetry of SCP-3171. Dr. Wang
Alice: out of all the morally questionable stuff we do here, this one isnt in the top hundred that keep me up at night. Denied. O5-██
- SCP-3186: You know how sometimes you can botch recording a message and have no idea how to delete it? That's what happened here, except someone left this message written in the stars.
- SCP-3236 is a device that's supposed to let you create simulated sex dreams for whoever's inside it. However, it's broken, so all it'll let you do is input an intangible concept as the user's sex partner. Which results in things like this:Command: Freedom
Outcome: "That was awesome. I was flying and it was like the sky itself was doing stuff to me..."
Outcome: "I don't remember anything about it other than the fact that I just got fucked."
Command: Los Angeles Police Department
Outcome: "That was frightening and brutal. Also, Dr. Dre was there for some reason."
Outcome: "She was amazing, up until the point when she grew fangs and tried to bite me."
Outcome: "Go fuck yourself too, doctor. You sick fuck."
Outcome: "That girl had so many edges, I was scared I'd get cut!"
Command: The year 2387
Outcome: "So. Many. Goats."
- SCP-3288 is largely Nightmare Fuel, given that it refers to a strain of the House of Habsburg that's become so mutated thanks to their inbreeding that they've essentially become inhumanly strong cannibalistic mole people... but there's something darkly humorous about the fact that SCP-3288-ALPHA (otherwise known as "The Imperial Majesty, Emperor Maximilian the Great") never seems to catch on to rape, cannibalism, and other atrocities generally being frowned upon by the common folk.SCP-3288-ALPHA: Excuse my uncouth ways - you are clearly a superior creature and have asserted yourself. We are at your mercy. Does our guest wish to feast upon our flesh? To rape the festering wound?Dr. Tobias Moser: [Taken aback] Good God, no! Why would you even [Dr. Moser takes a deep breath] No. That won't be necessary. I see that our customs differ quite significantly.
- SCP-3301 is a board game created by a division of Dr. Wondertainment that completely simulates the Foundation. The fact that whoever created this game had extensive knowledge about the Foundation, only to use it to create a Safe board game is amusing enough, but then we get to the testing logs and seeing the normally stoic researchers getting really into the game, even to the point of getting salty and cussing each other out when things don't go their way.
- The funniest bit is when another researcher convinces Dr. King to join in on a game, and the inevitable happens.D-85493: It's appleseeds. Just appleseeds for miles.Dr. King: (Incoherent yelling)
- The funniest bit is when another researcher convinces Dr. King to join in on a game, and the inevitable happens.
- SCP-3305-1 is a humanoid made of bread which offers parts of itself to be eaten. Eating its bread cures all physical and mental illnesses, and causes those who eat it to worship 3305-1 and bread in general. When one of the resulting cults ran amok, attacking and killing people, the Foundation asked 3305-1 about them:Dr. Teller: Are you aware of the actions of a group called The Westing Church of Wonderbread? They were responsible for an attack on a bakery in town for selling, and I quote, Whole Grain, the heathens bread.SCP 3305-1: I have.Dr. Teller: Have you spoken to this group at all?SCP 3305-1: Not directly, but I should have. I do not condone their message. Wonderbread is terribly bland. I much prefer Pepperidge Farm.
- SCP-3388: An Eldritch Abomination finds itself unwillingly Sharing a Body with a cactus. Much to the Eldritch Abomination's horror, the cactus now has its powers, and tries using them to get the sort of things cacti like, such as sunlight, water, rocks, etc. Blackly funny hilarity ensues.
- SCP-3435 is a painting of a Cybernetic Dinosaur and a Dragon Wizard fighting. This would be funny enough, but then it turns out that thinking the painting represents anything political causes migraines and trying to tell someone or write down what it represents in politics causes sickness. The article's name? "Dinosaurs and Dragons Care Not For Your Politics."
- SCP-3477 is former Prime Minister of Australia Harold Holt, who disappeared in 1967. Well, more correctly, SCP-3477-0 is Holt. 3477-1 to -34 are a number of different entities all claiming to be him, all of whom appear to be him (mentally, at least), and are all biologically immortal, but all achieved that immortality in different ways, ranging from one that claims to have achieved it through "forbidden molasses-based alchemy"note , to one that appears to have become an immortal satyr by taking the corgi train to the Seelie Court and challenging a vain and arrogant prince to a riddle contest", to one that apparently became a Reality Warper by attending a free, three-hour self-help seminar.
- SCP-3492 discovers his true origins.
- SCP-3521 are supposed to be tablets that kill anyone who takes them with a lethal dose of radiation. The parapharmacologist who created them decided he wanted something that wouldn't draw attention, so he chose potassium since bananas contain potassium, you could use bananas to kill someone without drawing attention, right? The thing is, you need somewhere over fifty million bananas to kill someone with radiation, so you'll actually be killed by exsanguination, suffocation, or in most cases the crush trauma resulting from having 9.15 million kilograms of bananas appearing in your stomach. On top of that, depending on where you take one, there may well be people who need to be rescued from under fifty million+ bananas, which are collectively extremely radioactive. This is not what anyone would call "not drawing attention".
The most advanced age a subject is believed to have experienced was D-89102, who was believed to be no younger than two-hundred years old. Despite D-89102's incredibly advanced age, the subject was reported as being "notably hostile" and expressed "a strong desire to forcefully insert Dr. Eisengraft's head into her vagina", for the express purpose of "feeling something again, goddammit".
- dado, the parapharmacologist in question, is generally hilarious due to his extremely bad handling of the English language leading to terrible misunderstandings, coupled with having so much skill in his area he just doesn't stumble into the limitations that would stop him. As examples:
- When asked for a viagra replacement, he somehow misunderstood the order as a pill to make people "old and horny" and provided something that gives you temporary Rapid Aging coupled with extreme sexual desire (notably creeping everyone else out), and doesn't actually fix erectile dysfunction. When the Foundation tried giving a D-class two pills at once, she exploded into ash... ash that made the group who cleaned it up "feel incredibly sexually uncomfortable." When it was used on an asexual person, it caused them to age backwards while going on and on about their love of flying kites.
- There's also this gem:
- He had a perfectly good laxative going, and then decided that if so many people were saying the "world is shit", he might as well do his part in cleaning it up. So he "outsourced" pooping, which means when you're constipated and take the pill, you first empty your bowels, and then empty everyone else's bowels through teleportation of some kind. No one that's taken the pill has stopped shitting yet.
- The guy that wanted euthanasia pills should have never gotten euphemistic with dado and asked for something that "put them to sleep", because what he got puts people in hibernation/suspended animation for a long, long time and is better than anything even the Foundation has.
- He misunderstood a request for a hair tonic as a hare tonic, and provided something that made children grow pet rabbits out of their scalps. The process is perfectly painless and harmless for children, but messy and lethal for adults; dado was apparently not keen on the idea of adults using it.
- His attempts at energy drinks were terribly hampered by euphemisms again. He understood "out of this world" as "make me hit escape velocity", "rad" as in "radiation" and "on fire" as in "actual fire", and the results were catastrophic. But hey, he did warn them; it says right there on the website, "not for human consumption".
- In one universe of the multiverse, he's the one running the Foundation, and its purpose is to sell anomalies! The researcher who was contacting alternate Foundations for the Multiversal Collaboration Project Network gets a You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me reaction. dado then sends him SCP-____-J. The Multiversal Diplomacy Department advises to block communication with this universe.
- He isn't any better when communicating in Spanish. In SCP-ES-114, he was asked to come up with some pills for depression. The first time, he makes pills that cause massive hypertension before an unseen force presses down until the subject's crushed. The poster clarifies it's depression pills, not pressure pills. A contrite dado apologizes and sends over pills that have the exact opposite effect tremendous lightness and nausea.
- Also, he pays his taxes with ICBMs launched from the Pacific Ocean loaded with various valuable, strange, or just plain anomalous objects rather than money (which the Foundation confiscates as assets). Given dado's questionable literacy, said missiles are aimed at the post office of some random town in Washington state rather than the IRS in Washington D.C. and have the word "revenue" misspelled on them in a different way every time.
- SCP-3583 is a self-driving schoolbus that takes kids home via a hell dimension filled with natural, man-made, and supernatural disasters. However, it turns out there're some unexpected advantages to having it around:Agent Patel: Anyway, before I leave, I wanted to thank you.Principal ████████: Hm?Agent Patel: For being so reasonable about this. A lot of the time, if we have to leave the, uh, anomaly on site, the locals get upset.Principal ████████: Well, yeah. If we really wanted it gone, we wouldn't have stopped reporting it.Agent Patel: My bosses'll want an explanation for that.Principal ████████: You can't just tell 'em we don't mind having it here?Agent Patel: Hey, come on. Would you accept that?Principal ████████: <sighs> Look. Whatever it is, it pretty clearly wants to be a schoolbus. And it's not doing that bad a job. I mean, hell dimension aside, it's got a perfect safety record. Been doing this five years, and it's never so much as had a kid get hurt in a fight. I've had living drivers who can't say that. And okay, look, can I be honest with you?Agent Patel: Please do?Principal ████████: Do you realize how much a schoolbus costs? Just the bus, not even counting the fuel and the maintenance and the driver? With what we've saved since this thing showed up, we were able to hire a music teacher.
- SCP-3634 is a corkscrew which makes In Vino Veritas very literal, because when it's used to open a container of alcohol, it turns the liquid inside into a truth serum that causes people to blab random compromising details about their lives, and if they're particularly susceptible, do things they're really not supposed to. When it gets used during a Christmas party being held by a Big, Screwed-Up Family, blackly funny Hilarity Ensues.(Agent Prince enters the interview room)M.L.: Took you long enough! It's been hours. I've had to masturbate to pass the time!(Agent Prince leaves the interview room. She excused herself from interviews for the next two hours, citing frustration.)
- The interview log is absolute gold. Highlights include the host's brother-in-law throwing a TV at his father-in-law for sleeping with his mom, a woman chasing her prettier and more successful sister through the house with a kitchen knife, someone setting the punch bowl on fire, a 21-year-old man breaking his little brother's arm for refusing to stop doing a Fortnite dance, a couple having sex in front of their family while singing Spice Girls songs, the housekeeper falling in love with the family dog, and an elderly man eating the family jewelry because "it looked tasty".
- SCP-3670 is a throw pillow that grants your desires to the best of its ability, so long as it can fit creamed corn in there somehow. Food? Creamed corn. Money? Bills submersed in creamed corn. Another car? Replaces the contents of your fuel tank with creamed corn. Location of an escaped captive? Found dead with a stomach full of creamed corn. Killing SCP-682? Doesn't work, but whatever it tried involved a whole lot of creamed corn. You get the idea. One test log mentioned trying to get "something that isn't creamed corn." The result was the researcher's rations being replaced by bitter creamed corn.
- SCP-3671 ("A very angry box of cereal") is Exactly What It Says on the Tin: it's a cereal box that became angry at a researcher who accidentally tore it while retrieving its contents, so it started manifesting all sorts of deadly contents and labels with hilariously ineffectual threatening messages. The following manifestations are particularly funny:Date: 2018-03-20
Label: What do you call a box of grains that goes on a killing spree because somebody couldn't be bothered to open it carefully?
A cereal killer!
Seriously though, I hate you.
Contents: Bullets of various calibers.
Label: Alright, I'm tired of ranting at you guys. Accidents happen, even if you could have dealt with this one better. What do you say we go back to being friends?
Contents: Corn flakes. Testing revealed them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.
Label: Shit, I was sure you'd fall for that one.
I still hate you, by the way.
Contents: Pieces of military-grade plastic explosive.
Label: I will murder you, Frank. I will find out where you live and I will slit your goddamn throat while you sleep. You will pay for what you did to me, just you wait.
Contents: Various human teeth. Found to match those of Dr. Wright in both shape and genetic material.
Notes: Dr. Wright requested, and was granted, a security detail. However, SCP-3671 is currently not believed to be capable of acting upon the threats given.
- SCP-3734 is a set of five small Lego pedestals that turn earthworms into Super Sentai teams.
- SCP-3740 is Ashur, the Assyro-Babylonian god of air, who can pulverize buildings and cause natural disasters like cyclones and tornadoes. He's also an easily fooled twit and thinks card tricks and static electricity are demonstrations of divine power. At the end of the article, Suen, God of the Moon, tells Dr. Barrett that Ashur was essentially being babysat by the rest of his Pantheon before the Foundation tricked him into containment. Of particular interest is "that Nazarene wino with the fish obsession", who's been dodging his shift for around 2000 years.
- SCP-3753 is chamomile tea that allows you to wrestle anthropomorphic personifications of any infections or physical conditions you have, with victory giving you significant, and often total, recovery from them. One particularly fun example from the test log is Agent Ursula Nunez, who was suffering from depression and hypertension, and ended up fighting her brain and vascular system simultaneously:Nunez engaged both instances, shouting various profanities. The vascular system demanifested after Nunez defeated it, and Nunez proceeded to violently assault her brain with her fists and feet even after it submitted. Later followup reported significant alleviation of her hypertension, consistently higher serotonin levels, and decreased frequency of depressive episodes. Nunez requested repeated uses of SCP-3753.
PoI-3758-27: [...] As for Sarkicism, we abandoned Grand Karcist Ion a long time ago - we just borrowed his magic to keep the dodos alive, to keep Hualiet from coming back.
- It turns out Grand Karcist Ion is the petty type:
Dr. Henderson: And why did you abandon
PoI-3758-27: 'cos he's a prick.
[ A large, dark, malignant growth of flesh instantaneously generates on the scalp of PoI-3758-27. ]
PoI-3758-27: and very easily offended.
- Dr. Naismith interviews a condescending noble. However, that condescending noble is a dodo, and it submits to Dr. Naismith once it is reminded that Naismith is taller and heavier than it.
- SCP-3758-B, the anomaly the Foundation is trying to contain, is a Gigantoraptor that emits extremely lethal radiation. It is also very nice and has advocated for a number of societal reforms during its lifetime.
- SCP-3848 causes certain geographic regions to forget the existence of a concept. On March 18, 2011 approximately 2 million people in Queens forgot about the existence of turn signals. And nothing really changed.
- SCP-3872 is William Henry Seward, US Secretary of State from 1861 to 1869, and appears to be biologically immortal. He became this way due to what the Foundation's American predecessor described as "forbidden molasses-based alchemy".
- SCP-3855 is a community straight out of Mad Max that happens to exist in a fairly realistic universe. As a result, they are constantly causing cars to explode.
- SCP-3922, known as "STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!", is a device that, when used on any film or cartoon, causes futuristic police officers to show up and intervene in any crimes that occur on the show in question. For example, in The Dark Knight, they immediately kill the Joker, arrest Bruce Wayne, and occupy Gotham.
Director Naismith: For all animal lovers in the personnel, please, don't watch this tape. You've heard of what happened to the animals when this was being filmed, I cannot stress enough that it isn't much better here either. If anyone needs me, I'll be scrubbing my eyeballs. Metaphorically.
- When used on a porn movie, the SCP-3922-A officers only show up to ensure that all the sex is consensual... with rocket launchers.
- When used on Batman: The Killing Joke, the SCP-3922-A soldiers capture and kill the Joker, and force Alan Moore to come out at gunpoint and ensure that the Joker's death cannot ever be retconned or otherwise reversed.
- When used on Monty Python and the Holy Grail, King Arthur is assassinated, the knights are arrested on various charges by the police just like in the movie, the Killer Rabbit is removed via "tactical holy smart bomb", and the police provide preventative treatments to stop the animator from having a heart attack.
- They test it on Star Wars: A New Hope. After an epic battle scene, it ends with the SCP-3922-A soldiers capturing the Death Star and freezing Darth Vader in carbonite.EMERGENCY ADDENDUM: I'm putting a moratorium on further experimentation with Star Wars. The possibility that we just gave a previously-fictional superweapon to the ☽☽☽ Initiative cannot be ignored as a significant risk to our safety. - Dr. Naismith
- They propose testing it on Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Gods, but the test is canceled.Dr. Naismith: The possibility of a nonfictional group of interest enlisting the aid of planet-destroying humanoids poses even more of a risk than the Death Star. Even Yamcha would be a potential new Keter to worry about.
- A testing proposal for The Passion of the Christ is also rejected:Dr. Naismith: I have already forbidden the use of any tests featuring god-like beings, we do not want even the slightest risk of Jesus of Nazareth becoming a potential threat to the Foundation.
- When used on Sharknado, instead of SCP-3922-A showing up, instead, SPC-3922 shows up and starts punching the sharks to death.
- They try using it on Barney & Friends, which leads to an SCP-3922-A officer just showing up in a Barney suit with a whiteboard bearing the message:Is the Foundation staffed by five year olds? Playing this episode in the hopes of watching us vaporise Barney is inappropriate to say the least. Act befitting your station or playtime is over.
- The Foundation tries it on Bobble the Clown. He promptly shoots down the 3922-A spaceships and disintegrates their soldiers.
- When the Foundation starts using edited film of previous SCP-3922-A interventions in earlier movies designed to make the 3922-A troops look like villains, they instead just start showing up in different uniforms, and finally just nuke the entire scene with a big message saying "SERIOUSLY, CUT IT OUT."
- The Foundation uses SCP-3922 on Pinocchio and it triggers during the Pleasure Island sequence. Three words: "TACTICAL UNDONKIFICATION ORDINANCE". They also kill Monstro with a Kill Sat and arrest the Blue Fairy for "unlicensed reanimation of plant tissue".
- When used on A Clockwork Orange, the SCP-3922-A guys arrest Alex and execute his buddies by firing squad. Each execution lasts almost an hour and continues well past the point of death. And then they force Alex to eat the remains before executing him too.
- Similar to the above, Red Zone Cuba has Griffin being beaten for two hours with blunt objects (he's also the writer\director of this terrible movie, after all) and then shot afterwards, to which the researcher has to comment "Ouch".
- Just the fact that the Foundation tried it on an episode of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and it actually worked.
- When used on a recording of a Californian man smoking a blunt, the trooper gets confused due to the conflicting federal and state laws on the legality of marijuana, and all he can do is remind the guy to properly dispose of the butt in a dumpster because there is a consensus on littering being illegal.
- Testing it on a recording of a pro wrestling event results in the bulk of the SCP-3922-A troops entering the ring as wrestlers... and several more handing out tickets for littering in the background.
- Testing on The LEGO Movie results in minifig versions of 3922-A instances arresting Lord Business... only to cut to the real world, where another 3922-A instance confiscates Lord Business from a very confused Man Upstairs.Note: We don't really understand what happened, but the unaltered version of the movie wasn't much clearer.
- They tried it on one of those Lofi hiphop beats to study/relax to livestreams (a recording, obviously). The troopers show up after eight hours, informing the girl in the video that, though studying is important, sleep is also vital. The rest of the recording consists of the girl's empty desk, night time ambience and quiet snoring in the background.
- When they attempt to use it on Blazing Saddles, Mel Brooks informs the 3922-A instances, along with the Foundation staff overseeing the experiment, that due to a contract signed by several parties (including the Foundation's founder), the Foundation isn't allowed to experiment on his films. The Foundation is understandably confused by this turn of events.
- So apparently presenting SCP-3922 to Cannibal Holocaust depicted something that troubled the viewers after watching it.
Doctor Margin: "Yeast of thought and mind my ass. I want this thing given an SCP class"O5-4: "Not enough evidence to support it, but we'll keep an eye on this film."
- When tested on the Globglogabgalab clip from Strawinsky and the Mysterious House, attempts to neutralise the Globglogabgalab for its "book violation" by 3922-A instances were simply devoured, including an armed battalion sent to kill it. Even a bloody nuke couldn't stop the thing, as apparently it closed the film with the words "Yeast of thoughts and minds".
- Sending SCP-3922-A instances into the realm of The Dover Boys doesn't do them justice either. When one 3922-A instance tries to apprehend Dan Backslide from kidnapping Dora, it's frozen in place when the old man comes across the screen whilst Dan successfully kidnaps Dora with no problems whatsoever. The instance is frozen until the very end when the narrator asks "So, you gonna move buddy?", upon which the instance unfreezes, faces the camera, bows, and proceeds to walk off in the same manner as the old man throughout the short.
Series V (SCP- 4000 to SCP-4999)
- SCP-4010 starts out with a researcher asked to create a complete timeline of the universe using every file the Foundation has at their disposal. If you're at all familiar with the SCP Foundation, you realize how bad an idea this is. What follows is the record of someone trying to make sense of the wiki's timeline and realizing how many times reality has ended and restarted, how much time travel there is, how many alternate realities there are, and just how often the articles contradict one another. And it somehow goes even further off the rails when the researcher realizes that in making the timeline (and thereby enacting order on the ridiculously chaotic Foundation universe), she's accidentally erasing every SCP from existence, and the Foundation is retroactively whittled down to fewer and fewer anomalies and employees, until it's just the researcher and 173, which then disappears as well. After a breakdown at realizing that no one knows the Foundation ever existed and that anomalies no longer exist either, she does the only thing she can think of to convince anyone that she's not just a crazy person: posting a picture of 173 along with its containment procedure on a message board. Of course, she realizes what she's done the next day.Day 360: I hate myself I just realised. I I am an actual idiot. A bunch of horror writers
- SCP-4032 is a plant that produces berries which cause uncontrollable flatulence in any animal that eats them until that animal dies (usually by suffocating on their own gases). They fed one to a D-Class to observe the effects, which led to widespread smell complaints from first the D-Class, which prompted the addition of a venting hood and then the opening of windows, and then the site staff, leading to the D-Class being relocated to an outdoor facility while they build a proper filter. Which, in turn, led to environmental watch groups noting the abnormal air pollution around the site...
- SCP-4096 was a complex topological manifold which represented a method of reversing the two sides of an established dichotomy, enabling the members of opposite or antithetical pairings to be switched (night and day, black and white, etc.). Then it started reacting to the investigatory team's experimentation until it finally hit on switching a subset of 'contained' and 'containing'... so now the Foundation is SCP-4096, and the Overseer Council is permanently contained by the manifold.SCP-4096 is, under the manifold's current definition, contained. A method of breaching said containment is currently being investigated.
- SCP-4131 is a surviving member of the extinct Anomalocaris genus with an obsessive hatred of trilobites and a large number of built-in weapons to help it kill them, who's constantly on guard against any suspected trilobites that might be around, and will take any opportunity to talk about its previous trilobite-killing exploits. The Foundation just pretty much humors it to keep it in containment.
- SCP-4222 is a tuna with the City Trust International Bank integrated into its gut. As in an actual tuna, swimming around in the ocean, with a financial institution as part of its digestive system. The bank's employees are aware of their location, and seem to have absolutely no problem with this. In order to avoid the potential financial consequences of getting too close to SCP-4222, the Foundation trained a pod of dolphins to protect and contain it, but some of them have escaped to establish tuna-based economies.
- SCP-4223 is a universe where Mountain Dew Baja Blast can only be produced by the eruption of a geyser in South America once a year; attempts to artificially replicate it on Earth result in the production of an uncarbonated liquid universally agreed to taste like battery acid. Their Foundation found that while unlikely, Baja Blast being created like that was non-anomalous... right up until someone from an alternate Foundation pointed out that no, that was totally anomalous. Then came the discovery of a third universe where Mountain Dew is actually mountain dew, forming from accumulation on grasses on a few Siberian mountains in the morning, and as a result the Baja Blast Foundation's Department of Extra-Universal Affairs is trying to find out if there are any other universes where this Exactly What It Says on the Tin thing takes place.
- SCP-4338 is a classic island volcano god that demands monthly offerings of large quantities of various food products (fruits, vegatables, meats, and other sundries), or it will emerge from within the volcano's caldera and selectively kill the current leader of the local population, absorbing and then replicating their body to be a proxy through which they can deliver demands of their worshippers. The joke comes about after a junior researcher accidentally feeds the volcano deity some typical junkfood items by disposing of the remains of his lunch in a nearby lava flow, causing the deity to emerge ahead of schedule and immediately kill the current lead researcher in order to obtain more Cadbury eggs. Seriously. The first revision of the article (in which the deity is demoted from Keter to Euclid) indicates that the core of the deity has increased in size by 100%, and the regular offerings are now all varieties of junkfood snacks (chocolates, cookies, chips, etc) in much larger quantities than the previous natural food offerings. The new lead researcher who has taken over has become exasperated by the scale of these new demands and manages to pressure the deity (who has degenerated into a sullen and pathetic state not unlike a moody teenager) into settling for bulk brand generic knockoffs of each of the junkfood products. The final revision of the article identifies the deity as Safe, and mentions that the Foundation is considering using the deity as a means of disposing of slaughterhouse byproducts and other waste materials. At this point the deity is totally demoralized and is just happy to continue being fed, and the lead researcher has grown accustomed to dealing with it as if she were a slightly put-upon mother figure.
- SCP-4390 is a shitty, unimaginative knockoff of a Labyrinth-style maze created by a frustrated Dr. Wondertainment candidate who got passed over for the job, and the very fact it sucks so much helps make it hilarious.
- SCP-4444 doesn't seem like it would be funny on the surface; it's an alien entity which took up permanent residence inside the head of Al Gore while he was Vice President, speaks entirely in Word-Salad Horror, and came to Earth as the spearhead for an invasion which would bring about The End of the World as We Know It. However, the details of its discovery, as well as the Foundation's subsequent efforts to contain it, quickly descend into humor.
Clef: If you think this is the first time we've fucked with your elections, I've got some bad news for you there bub.
- The entity came to the Foundation's attention via the UIU, two agents of which overheard a conversation between Bill Clinton and Joe Andrew; the latter remarks on how he just got off the phone with Gore, who was going on about how he intended to run for President in 2000 and how there was an alien living in his head. Clinton initially dismisses this as Gore being high...only for Andrew to then relate that, according to Gore's security chief, the Vice President has apparently developed the ability to phase through solid objects. The President's response?Clinton: Yeah, that's...hmm. That's probably not the reefer, then.
- When it becomes clear that they can't dissuade Gore from running, the Foundation holds a meeting with various officials, including four FBI officials (two from the UIU), a US Army general, and a number of Foundation employees, including Jack Bright. Once it becomes clear that the initial plan of using an Incorporeal Entity Vacuum Chamber to contain SCP-4444 isn't a sustainable plan (on account of the fact that it will, as a side effect, kill Al Gore), the Foundation decides instead to throw their weight behind George W. Bush in hopes of getting him elected instead. Unfortunately, it turns out that Bush took a bullet to the head on a hunting trip and suffered brain death; however, Sophia Light, upon confirming that most of Bush's body is physically fine, has an alternate idea.Director Light: I think... I think I know how we're going to oppose the Vice President's campaign.(silence)
- One of the FBI directors' hilariously deadpan reaction to Dr. Crow:
- Clark: That is a talking dog.
- General Roland is shocked that the Foundation would even suggest messing with the US election, the very foundation of their democracy.
- The meeting is immediately followed by a profanity-laced complaint from Bright, complaining about how much he hates the plan to insert him into Bush's body, as well as how he apparently can't take a shit without assistance in Bush's body. The note at the top of the complaint form urging employees to be as succinct as possible and not use profanity is just the icing on the cake.
- During the election campaign, the Foundation comes up with various possible scandals to introduce to the public in hopes of discrediting Gore; most of these are rejected, including a rumor that Gore poisoned a third-world town's water supply out of spite (rejected because, in the words of the article, there were "No towns with reasonably convincing poisoned water supplies"), a rumor that Gore once had sex with a pig (rejected because Gore had no farm experience, and the Foundation didn't think their photo-editing software could convincingly fake an image of the scene), and a rumor that Gore believes himself to have communicated with space aliens (rejected for being too close to what's actually going on).
- The entirety of the September Debate scene, which includes Jack Bright (as Bush) going completely off-script with a profanity-laced and extremely offensive speech, SCP-4444 casting a "dark spell" over the audience (including the phrase "Gregarious enchant the manatee!"), and finally the entity and Gore ending the debate by running straight through a nearby wall. The incident report ends with a footnote adding that SCP-4444 is apparently very sorry for "casting a dark spell" and promised not to do so again. The debate section includes an image of SCP-4444 casting the "dark spell," which shows Al Gore with a glowing red face and bright white eyes. The dead-serious caption beginning with "SCP-4444 casting a dark spell on the audience..." makes the picture funnier.
- The article also includes various unaired campaign ads from the Gore campaign, including one in which he encouraged humans to tape cows' anuses shut, and then the camera pans over to reveal dozens of cows with plastic bags over their rear ends.
- Of course, it wouldn't be an article about the 2000 election without mentioning the infamous events of election night. With the Florida vote in limbo and the race looking like it was going to end with Gore being declared the winner thus opening the door for SCP-4444's race to come to Earth the Foundation put into place an emergency plan... that plan being to cause a fatal gas leak in the Democratic headquarters in hopes that it would allow them to contain SCP-4444. When the election results slowly start to swing back towards Bush, the Foundation has to hastily rush over and stop the gas leak before anyone can be hurt.
- The entity came to the Foundation's attention via the UIU, two agents of which overheard a conversation between Bill Clinton and Joe Andrew; the latter remarks on how he just got off the phone with Gore, who was going on about how he intended to run for President in 2000 and how there was an alien living in his head. Clinton initially dismisses this as Gore being high...only for Andrew to then relate that, according to Gore's security chief, the Vice President has apparently developed the ability to phase through solid objects. The President's response?
- SCP-4445 seems like a normal entry at first, but odd phrasings and references keep creeping in. By the end of the final part, it's clear that the whole thing is a giant American Pie joke; music literally died that day.
- SCP-4455 is the superhero known as the Streamliner, who has the power to, well, streamline narratives, allowing him to bypass logical lines of causality. In practice, this means he has the power to Hand Wave his way out of any problem unless the narrative space is already taken up by someone's exposition, preventing him from finding a way out. So to capture him, you've got to narrate everything you're doing so he can't take advantage of any possible narrative space and escape. Opposing him is SCP-4455-Ω, the supervillain known as the Expositor, who does Exactly What It Says on the Tin, exposit continously about himself at length.
- SCP-4469 is called "ASMR: But I Come Out of the Screen and Beat You with a Shoe", and is Exactly What It Says on the Tin: if you're sleep-deprived and watch certain ASMR videos, SCP-4469 comes out of the screen and starts hitting you with something, and the sound from your beating helps you fall asleep.
- In SCP-4498, Jack Bright accidentally breaks an artifact skip, which triggers an effect that interacts with Bright's amulet, copying his mind onto the inhabitants of Site-53 all the inhabitants, humans, animals, and skips alike. Havoc ensues.
- The recordings taken from various site cameras are absolutely hilarious, as the newly created Brights act even crazier than normal, and Mann, Crow, Gears, Lament, the original Bright and a few others desperately try to survive like they're in a survival horror movie where all the monsters are nut jobs.
- Instead of being "just" a copy of Bright, each Bright has a bunch of new quirks, turning Site-53 into absolute pandemonium. Zyn Kiryu-Bright declares herself a pirate queen, talks like a pirate all the time, and has her followers build a pirate ship out of one of the Site-53 tanks. Beth Masters-Bright declares her and her followers the AquaJacks, protectors of the toilets. Elisa Henson-Bright apparently started some kind of culinary cult, and Ivan Anders-Bright rules the Sneaky Darkness Jacks, who inhabit the part of the site where power has gone out.
- 096 was affected!096-Bright: Fingers crossed, bitch! It was me the whole time! Fuck yeah, this is awesome.
- Poor Sophia has to clean up this whole mess. She decides that, since 096, Clef and Kiryu have snapped out of it, the rest will probably do so too, so they're just letting the whole madness play itself out. The Brights still inside have apparently established a feudal system with a janitor-Bright on top. Also, Clef was apparently not affected at all. He just played along because he thought it was hilarious.
- Troper: What is so amusing about SCP-4500?
Editor: SCP-4500 is a location that can only be accessed by philosophically pondering an abstract ideal. It's basically the ancient Greek gods' version of the Foundation, used by them to contain such hazards as Pandora's box, Typhon, and irrational numbers, which they treated as a Euclid class infohazard that "causes severe distress during initial exposure." The kicker is the very last recorded dialogue, which implies that the Twelve Labors of Herakles were him being reassigned to their equivalent of Keter duty after getting a fellow researcher killed.
- SCP-4533 is an adware vision corrector. If you have problems with your eyesight, SCP-4533 will correct or even improve your vision... at the cost of having a good part of your visual field occupied by adverts for several weeks or months.
- SCP-4553 is a sapient anthropomorphic mass of worms self-identifying as "Bob Shepherd", which is actively campaigning for the position of United States congressional representative. Aside from being an anthropomorphic mass of worms, his campaign platform seems reasonable (consistently emphasizing infrastructural development, retention of individual liberties under the Constitution, institutional countercorruption initiatives, and environmentalism), and he appears to present no overt threat to American society or consensus normality at large. No-one seems to be particularly bothered about SCP-4553 being an anthropomorphic mass of worms apart from the Foundation, and he's currently at 89% in the polls.
- SCP-4680 is Grigori Rasputin, the legendary Mad Monk himself, who discovered a way to become biologically immortal... that unfortunately does not allow the regeneration of amputated extremities. Having been very much The Casanova in his mortal days, he's really, really not happy about the fate of his most valued body part:
- SCP-4703 is a supermarket that retains both steady customers and a legal right to open despite cheerfully engaging in bizarre, dangerous, and unethical business practices (typically involving a variety of deranged hazards such as deathtraps, hungry Barbary lions, random poisoned kisses, mandatory extraction of lipids, etc.) because said practices are perfectly legal (thank you very much).
- SCP-4852 sees Site-19's Research Wing A grow a large pair of chicken legs, detach itself from the rest of the site, and go running off with the staff still inside. The staff members rise to the occasion with Clef shooting Bright's current host, Kondraki and Clef starting a civil war, and Crow making a break for it in an egg walker.
Overwatch Command: Oh shit, it does have legs.
- Overwatch Command - The O5s' hilarious reaction to the whole thing.
S19 Command: Do you think we should extract them?Overwatch Command: Nah, they'll be fine. Focus on figuring out a way to stop Baba Yaga.
- SCP-4934 is the door to Chuck Jones' private study, which goes into Toon Physics mode every time someone tries to open it.
- SCP-4950 at first starts like your typical ritual skip, with a cult trying to summon a nanomachine god to create a Grey Goo scenario. However, the ritual requires billions of sacrifices, and with the cult's lack of resources and want to stay hidden, they can't exactly do this. But they discuss that it doesn't necessarily have to be corporeal lives sacrificed. Cue them causing a loophole involving an amiibo, several monitors all playing Fortnite, and the cult's guild chanting "Blood for the Blood God". And this actually almost works, partially summoning the god. Fortunately, the summoning fails due to modern commonplace technology still being too weak to fully summon it. And then we get this final line discussing the Foundation searching for the remnants of the cult.Current lines of investigation are centered around the memetic phrase "press F to pay respects".
SCP-4950: Wh... wh... where... where we... where we dropping, boys?
- There is also the implication that SCP-4950 was influenced by the fact that Fortnite was being used to summon it. Once it speaks, the single line it says basically serves as the article's punchline:
- SCP-4960 is Kedesh-Nanaya, an ancient Sumerian sex and fertility goddess associated with eroticism and sexual pleasure. The Foundation utilizes her by seeking her knowledge about supernatural phenomena to assist in containing the anomalies they encounter. The problem is she enters a dormant state and can only stay awake if enough people are worshiping her, "worship" here being defined as...well, as deriving great personal enjoyment from her visage. The humor comes in how the Foundation engenders her favor: after requiring Foundation personnel to participate in "worship" stopped being enough to keep her at full strength, they opted to start anonymously distributing pornography featuring her likeness online to trick civilians into "worshiping" her, ultimately culminating in a series of hentai OVAs, the circulation of which has had the following effect:Compulsory participation by Foundation personnel in Procedure 166-Anahita is no longer required.
- SCP-4985 is an investment management firm that causes its employees, shareholders, and their immediate families to behave like it's a medieval European-style monarchy:West: O most illustrious and noble King of Zoller, by the Grace of the Dow, beloved of the shareholders, I present to you the respected Lord Gonzales, a Senior V-P of the Public Corporate Society, who comes to pay respects to your royal person and our Kingdom.
Gonzales: Greetings, your noble Majesty. My, uh, lord and master has sent me to establish relations with your organisation.
SCP-4985-1: Normally I would have the Count here handle matters with a minor realm such as yours, but your audacity in seeking an audience intrigues me. We are one of the mightiest investment companies south of Wall Street, victors of a hundred mergers and acquisitions. Tell me, sir, what is to stop me from asset-stripping your little Company here and now, which does not even have a NASDAQ listing?
Gonzales: Your Majesty, we are small, but we are more than you may assume - we have close relations with the United States government, and -
Agitation amongst the courtiers.
Courtier: A Commission spy!
Shouting of insults towards 'Federals' and 'regulators'.
SCP-4985-1: Silence! A spy would not enter our front gates and announce himself so brazenly. Sir, you tread dangerous ground. We are no heretics here - we recognise the spiritual authority of Washington and pay our tithes - but now is a low ebb for temporal and spiritual relations. The poisonous words of Dodd and Frank have even caused rumours of schism. The last Commission visitors made outrageous demands, and it did not end well for them.
Gonzales: You misunderstand, your Majesty. We have relations with the government, but have altogether a different mission. We would like to prevent your company from coming under too much scrutiny, from the government, the public, or otherwise. We know the FBI has taken an interest in your affairs -
Angry shouting from the courtiers resumes; SCP-4985-1 holds up a hand to silence them.
Gonzales: - and would like to, ah, divert some of this attention.
SCP-4985-1: An intriguing proposal. I would discuss this with you further. All but the Duke Yankee Candle and Count GrubHub, leave us.
Series VI (SCP- 5000 to SCP-5999)
- SCP-5000 while horrifying for most of it, it almost turns into a bit of Black Comedy with the creative ways the Foundation start using anomalies to exterminate mankind.
- SCP-5004 is a demonic imp that was sealed beneath the U.S. Capitol by Supreme Court Justice and noted sorcerer Charles Evans Hughes, one of several magi in the Court. As it has grown to incredible size and power by absorbing the conflict energies of Congress, the Foundation teams up with the UIU to contain it by hacking the 2016 election to bring "reality sink" Donald Trump into power. Hilarity Ensues.
- Special note goes to Jack Bright's reaction; while most of the other members of the team are disgusted that they have to rely on Trump for this mission, Bright is left cackling with laughter after the initial reveal, telling the rest of the Foundation that this is exactly what they deserve after they forced him to be George W. Bush for several years.
- The caption for this image◊, which might well be one of the most surreal things ever uttered in the franchise:Powerful wizard Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- From the Spanish site, SCP-ES-061 the Alternative VHS Player (which can now be read in English here) is quite funny when it isn't made to reproduce alternate history:
Suddenly Episode VII now feels even less original.
- Many of the article tests are related to Star Wars: the pic of the article is a pic of Kurt Russell as Han Solo supposedly screencapped from one test; playing a tape of The Empire Strikes Back shows Carl Weathers as Lando Calrissian and Billy Dee Wiliams as Han Solo, with no sign of romance between the latter character and Princess Leia; and one testing of A New Hope shows a movie with a remarkable similarity to George Lucas' original draft (the one with Luke Starkiller rescuing Princess Amidala and Han Solo being a bat-headed being), with the villain being played by Vincent Price of all people. Still, the doctor doing the test finds the latter film "better than the prequels anyway". And in the extended experiments, when another viewing of Episode IV brought a version where the only real change was that it now starred the 16-year old Gender Flipped version of Luke (who then developed romantic tension with Han Solo), the doctor in charge could only comment:
I bet this movie couldn't be any worse. I won.
- A 1969 episode of Doctor Who becomes a 1972 episode of Inspector Spacetime.
- Experimenting with porn tapes doesn't bring any change on them... except with the last one tested, where what was supposed to be a film starring three Caucasian men and an Asian woman becomes a "she-male" tape.
- The complaints by the reborn Christian investigator and his final Rage Quit.
- For added fun, note the initials and last name of the investigator that approves the experimentation tests, including the one with porn tapes. It refers to famous Japanese porn actress Maria Ozawa. In the words of one forumgoer: "Foundation personnel does have very interesting cover jobs".
- Now the article has a experiments list (which has also been translated). Highlights include the knowledge that in another universe HBO would have chosen The Black Company instead of A Song of Ice and Fire for a prime time fantasy drama, the idea of a gender flipped and middle aged James Bond, and a very awful Direct-to-Video Bolivian film having absolutely no change when reproduced.
- The same SCP turned The Lion King into The Lion President, in which Scar is a vulture joining up with a group of foxes to derail Simba's political career to stop him from becoming President of Africa.
- From the Japanese site:
- SCP-242-JP, a piggy bank that treats itself as some sort of online course. It's something of a Take That! to websites like that, forcing readers to repeatedly pay for the "premium course" to continue reading the article. The prices start off at 500 yen (approximately $5) per passage, and the price keeps going up to the point where the last sentence costs a total of twelve thousand dollars to display. And the very best part? The most expensive part in the entire article, the one that costs ten thousand US dollars? It's a single character.
- SCP-488-JP is just a pack of grey wolves who edit information about themselves insisting that they are basically all-powerful werewolves. The end result is that they mostly can't edit red text, but they will try to add extra words to twist the text written by the Foundation into, well, something else. They also aren't very good at writing. As one of the comments put it, "they are just some wolves who want to look big and bad, but they are just good boys in disguise."
- SCP-729-JP is a chair that appears in Chinese restaurants, waiting for an adult male to sit in it, upon which it enforces the tropes of Jackie Chan movies on everyone around it - the man sitting in the chair starts a fight with someone next to them, both of them break out skilled kung fu regardless of their physical condition, the man in the chair uses it as an Improvised Weapon, and everyone around them watches the fight rather than run away or call the police. Finally, the man who was sitting in the chair wins, his opponent faints, and he leaves the restaurant after paying for both his and his opponent's meals, upon which the chair teleports to another Chinese restaurant nearby, repairing any damage inflicted on it, ready to start the whole thing over again. If there's a hilarious Epic Fail during the fight, it neutralises the chair's effects before the fight finishes, the chair treating it as a blooper and ending the 'take'.
- SCP-835-JP, aka the story of how the Foundation created their own mascot antiheroine. SCP-835-JP is a mysterious phenomenon that manifests every 1-3 months, causing Foundation personnel to disappear completely, leaving only a large puddle of blood. The only known condition for an SCP-835-JP event is that it must be in darkness; no other similarities between the events or victims have been found. SCP-835-JP's true nature is still unknown, but people being people even at the Foundation, an assistant researcher came up with Cliché Storm concept art in their free time presenting it as a Sugar-and-Ice Personality teenage girl called Yamiko Keteru, who grew up in a secret organisation trained to be an assassin, wields a kitchen knife, and can teleport and control the darkness. While the assistant researcher was subsequently punished and transferred elsewhere, SCP-835-JP was inactive for five months afterwards, and one of the doctors speculated this was because it had been affected by Foundation personnel imagining an identity for it. Therefore, they instituted Protocol Idol-835, requiring that all references to SCP-835-JP contain detailed information about Yamiko Keteru, and that all Foundation personnel be informed about her. Foundation artists were ordered to create moe artwork of her to be widely distributed around all Foundation facilities, and light novels, manga and anime about her were also created, with Foundation personnel encouraged to consume them. SCP-835-JP has never resurfaced since Protocol Idol-835, reclassified from Keter to Safe, and even though the scale of it has subsequently been toned down, art of Yamiko Keteru can still be found throughout Foundation facilities.
Group of Interest entries
- A PROMETHEUS LABS GRANT REQUEST FOR A REPLACEMENT KEYBOARD BECAUSE THE CAPS LOCK ON THIS ONE IS BROKEN. To elaborate, the prospect of a Prometheus Labs member having to file the excessively formal grant request form for a broken keyboard is hilarious in its own right. Soon, it gives a Take That! towards Apple (note the "sent from my iPhone" note in the table that Kevin e-mailed), and gets progressively more bizarre. It's actually the hijinks of a technological Hive Mind who, while being able to pass off for a human while also not being a serious sociopath, is quite unhappy with the fact that his genesis is the result of all the keyboards in the lab being linked to a neural network. Apparently, he got sick just by looking at someone's internet history. Also, it's heavily implied this is what caused Prometheus Labs to dissolve. Not bad for an Ascended Meme.
- Decommissions have been known to be a little... over-the-top. The termination of SCP-809, described by the site as a self-insert cyborg boyfriend for the (now gone) SCP-808, actually begins with a heated discussion of how to kill 809 in the most ridiculous way possible, including feeding it to 682, processing it with 914, booby-trapping 808's shower, using high-grade explosives, and throwing a rock at him ("Like a big-ass rock?" "Like as big-of-an-ass rock you can find!"). Ultimately, it was decided to restrain him with high-power electromagnets and crush him with a magnetically-pulled 10-ton weight... cast in the shape of a giant fist.Gephart: I do want to say one thing, though.Kondraki: And what's that?Gephart: In the end, you wound up hitting it with a rock after all.Interviewer: "I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?"Dr. Clef: "Not really, no."