History Funny / SCPFoundationSCP914ExperimentLog

Note: Excuse me? Every page from [[Website/TheOtherWiki Wikipedia]] and Wikileaks, to Website/{{Deviantart}} and Pixiv, to CNN and KMBC 9 News, all the way to UsefulNotes/{{Steam}}, Website/{{Twitter}}, Apple Inc., and even two of our internal network servers [[DisasterDominoes got shut down within ten minutes of that experiment]]. I was told that Site Director Hackett threw an entire experiment log folder across the room after he heard the news. Consider yourself lucky that there were no severe containment breaches during the two hours when our network servers went down (and Site-17 was still cleaning up the mess caused by an SCP-953 containment breach attempt). Engelhart, you better fix this mess, fast. And don't expect Veritas to not revoke your testing permits. - Cleveland\\

* Darby and Calloway collaborate on a test. [[HilarityEnsues Disaster ensues.]]

* 914 tries to write erotic SelfInsert fiction. HilarityEnsues (along with copious amounts of BrainBleach).

* A new researcher tries to use 914 to edit some of his prior writing. HilarityEnsues.

Note: Dr. Hadian has been sent to the antimemetics department for treatment by Dr. Veritas, or to use his words: "No, I don't want a [[PrecisionFStrike [REDACTED[=]=]]] spade." - Security Officer Schwartz''

I [[PrecisionFStrike [EXPLETIVE[=]=]]] hate chihuahuas. Soulless bastards. - Dr. Matism\\

'''Output:''' Several small economy airline tickets from Site ██ for Researcher Darby. When Researcher Dan attempted retrieval, they folded into paper airplanes reminiscent to [=C-130s=] and attempted to escape containment. Four were captured by staff, two were shot by onsite weapons, namely the H20-9000, and one escaped retrieval by entering the air vents and has presumably escaped.

'''Output:''' Seemingly unchanged album of ''A Night At The Opera'' with the anomalous effect of causing anyone within a 7-meter radius to repeatedly ram their heads on the closest surface during ''Bohemian Rhapsody''[='=]s hard rock section. Researchers within its radius began to complain about sore necks and headaches.\\

''Note: [[OhCrap [EXPLETIVE REDACTED[=]=]]] and I had meant to set it to Fine, not Very Fine. This is definitely going into the incinerator. - AR King''\\

* The [[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventure [=JoJokes=]]] practically write themselves here:

'''Output:''' A note with a crude sketch of MT Johnson and [[CallBack a tall, vaguely mechanical-looking Caucasian female]] engaging in [[RuleThirtyFour [DATA EXPUNGED[=]=]]].\\

''Note: "Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to [='=]Fear in the Foundation[='=] now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards." —O5-6''

''Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion, but for Christ's sake, use common sense. [[TranquilFury I swear, when I find Wood]], I'm going to [=[=][[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon REDACTED]][=]=]. Dr. Smith.''\\

'''Output:''' A VHS tape labeled "Foundation Daze: Seriously Crazy Pratfalls." Footage on the tape shows accidents throughout the SCP Foundation, including personnel injuries, containment breaches, and [[NoodleIncident [REDACTED[=]=]]], all set to a laugh track and voiced over by Tom Bergeron. All depicted incidents confirmed to have never happened.\\

''Note {Darby}: [[GratuitousRussian Я НЕ КОММУНИСТ 914 ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ЭТО ДЕЛАЕТЕ ДЛЯ МЕНЯ! Теперь я не могу перестать говорить по-русски, и все это параноид от меня.]][[labelnote:Translation]]I'M NOT A COMMUNIST 914 WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME! Now I can't stop speaking in Russian, and it's all paranoid for me.[[/labelnote]]''\\

''Note {Darby}: [[GratuitousRussian Я НЕ КОММУНИСТ 914 ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ЭТО ДЕЛАЕТЕ ДЛЯ МЕНЯ! Теперь я не могу перестать говорить по-русски, и все это параноид от меня.]]''\\

'''Total Items:''' Five 8GB [=SanDisk=] 8GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single [=FAT32=] partition with the file ''monika.chr'' from the 2017 parody horror visual novel "VisualNovel/DokiDokiLiteratureClub", developed by Team Salvato.\\

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]][[EscalatingPunchline Eventually.]] His first several appearances are far more mundane (he's subject to a minor HumiliationConga and has law enforcement come looking for him, but is otherwise treated largely like any other tester in his first several appearances); he first shows up in the 0200-0299 experiment logs, but doesn't truly become a RunningGag until midway through the 0400-0499 logs. Even more amazing, he doesn't die and lasts all the way to session 1521 before he is transferred.[[/note]] Other researchers who become {{Running Gag}}s include Dr. Calloway (who is relentlessly {{troll}}ed), Dr. Nukea (who has a bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'', to the point where it becomes an OverlyLongGag (and SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with him)), Maintenance Technician Johnson (who SCP-914 ''tries'' to be nice to, [[UnwantedAssistance but ends up doing so in a way that breaks Foundation protocol]] [[note]]and in one case, makes him into a GaryStu (which he doesn't appreciate)[[/note]], and it also [[CargoShip possibly has a crush on Johnson]]), and Professor Wren (who SCP-914 develops a fondness for, but [[TheGadfly it still isn't above screwing with her from time to time]]).

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0118[[/labelnote]] Having already made SCP-437 in an earlier test, SCP-914 once again proves itself capable of producing SCP-classifiable items:

''Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of [[NamesTheSame Mercury]]. [[LamePunReaction Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers. Hilarious.]] After four years of working with the damned thing, [[{{Troll}} it's still taunting me]]. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine [[FedToTheBeast gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find]]. - Veritas.''\\

''That's the sidereal rotational period of ''[[NamesTheSame Mercury.]]'' [[LamePunReaction Son of a…]]''

* [[strike:Insert corny ''Transformers'' reference here]] 914 is more than meets the eye:
-->'''Test 914-0909'''\\
'''Name:''' Prof. Wren\\

'''Total Items:''' Three ''Franchise/{{Transformers}}'' themed 8GB USB flash drives, each containing an [=MP4=] copy of the 1986 animated film ''Transformers the Movie''.\\
''Note: All 3 flash drives are modeled on the Decepticon "Ravage." Each flash drive has 2 configurations; a "disguised" configuration resembling a standard flash drive, and a "transformed" configuration resembling a robotic panther. I thought these were pretty neat a few years back, [[TechnologyMarchesOn but nowadays the limited storage space makes them a tad useless]], so… [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness bon voyage, little friends]]. -Prof. Wren''\\
''Note: At the start of each test, each drive will be in its "disguised" configuration.''\\

'''Input:''' A USB drive.\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' The same flash drive, now in its "transformed" configuration. Drive data altered to include [=MP3s=] of the soundtrack to ''Transformers the Movie''. Sound quality is equivalent to that of a tape cassette.\\
''Note: I consider this an upgrade rather than a tradeoff, personally. -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' A USB drive.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' The same flash drive. Analysis shows it can now hold up to 128TB of data. Drive data altered to include [=MP4s=] of all episodes of the 1980s ''Transformers'' animated series in 7 languages. Video and sound quality are comparable to Blu-Ray.\\
''Note: I'll have copies available to anyone who wants one. Same with the soundtrack. Well, those were two very pleasant tests… [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong dare I hope for a trifecta?]] -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' A flash drive.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' The same flash drive. Upon the output booth opening, device switched to its "transformed" state, making a sound identified as the transformation sound from the 1980s ''Transformers'' animated series. Device attacked D-class administering test with [[WaveMotionGun a mouth-fired laser weapon]] before attempting containment breach. [[CurbStompBattle Breach thwarted when device was captured and destroyed by D-class.]] Analysis of data on drive is currently on hold.\\
''Note: I wouldn't. For all we know, hooking that thing up to something may just give us another shapeshifting deathbot, only with more material to work with. Still, as horrifying as the thought of creating a real-life Decepticon is, it was almost adorable watching it [[ImpossibleTask trying to dig through a door that had about 8,000x its mass]]. -Prof. Wren''
* Wait, what even happened here?
-->'''Test 914-0910'''\\
'''Name:''' Doctor Mayo, D-46931\\
'''Date:''' 08/07/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' Five wooden statuettes of Keanu Reeves.\\
''Note: I've been into whittling for a while and decided with all the recent love for Keanu, I'd have my hand at making some statuettes of him. I have three spare if anyone would like one. - Doctor Mayo''\\
\\

'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Ash in the shape of Keanu Reeves' face spread on the bottom of the output booth.\\

'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' The statuette has been converted into a wooden action figure of Keanu Reeves and dismantled. The parts were laid out from left to right as; one head, one torso, two arms, and two legs. The joints have been rounded to balls and sockets which fit snugly when reassembled.\\

'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A statuette of Doctor Veritas. The facial expression is stern and stands with arms crossed.\\
''Note: The craftsmanship on this is not half bad, actually. It really brings out the fierce look in his eyes. - Doctor Mayo''\\
\\
'''Input:''' One statuette.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A statuette of an unidentified mountain range. An anomalous affect of a cool breeze is experienced when observing the statuette. All who feel the breeze immediately feel calm and collected.\\
\\
'''Input:''' One statuette.\\

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0129[[/labelnote]] This one is ''hilarious'':
-->'''Input''': One pound of █████ brand bacon. Fully cooked. One photograph of SCP-682.\\
'''Setting''': Very fine\\
'''Output''': One miniature replica of SCP-682, approximately five inches tall at the shoulder, made entirely out of cooked █████ brand bacon. Entity is fully animate and extremely hostile toward all life forms. It escaped containment, attempting to kill all staff present. It was unable to inflict any damage due to its small size and the materials used in its composition. Entity made a “sizzling” sound as it moved that several staff described as “pleasing to the ears.” Classification of entity as [[{{Pun}} SCP-682-BAC]] denied.\\
''Note: Very funny, Dr. Curtis. You are suspended from testing SCP-914 until further notice. Though I have to admit, it smelled delicious. -Dr. Gears'' [[note]]The next researcher to enter the testing room wonders why it smells like bacon.[[/note]]

* Fun with video game noises:
-->'''Test 914-0836'''\\

'''Name:''' Prof. Wren\\
'''Total Items:''' 3 Casio synthesizer keyboards, 1 each of the following game consoles: Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Sega Genesis, Sony Playstation.\\
''Note: Been a while since I've done a musical experiment. Maybe 914'll be nice and give me something to make chiptunes with. As a precautionary measure, however, I'm having everyone present wear hearing protection. If nothing else, the PSX test may involve its startup noise, and that sucker is '''loud.''' -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' 1 keyboard, the SNES.\\

'''Output:''' A 32-key synthesizer stylized in the fashion of the "Super Scope" SNES accessory. Pressing a key causes a person in the device's line of fire to hear a digitized note.\\
''Note: Neat, but kinda useless. If we could [[LoudOfWar amplify the volume]] on this thing, however, I suppose it could be used as a sort of [[SensoryAbuse sonic weapon]]. -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' 1 keyboard, the Genesis.\\

'''Output:''' [[Franchise/SonicTheHedgehog A small spherical synthesizer, blue in color.]] Attempting to press any key causes it to begin to rotate 1/8" in the air, parallel to the ground. Rotation begins at 200 RPM and accelerates to speeds determined by the note pressed before dropping back to the ground and rolling away at speeds exceeding 120 km/h. Unit destroyed after colliding with the testing area door after a 5th-octave B-flat was pressed.\\

'''Input:''' 1 keyboard, the PSX.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A synthesizer with an attached compact disc tray similar to that of the input console. The first note pressed during a song [[LoudnessWar is played at volumes exceeding 170 decibels]]; effect does not repeat unless the instrument is untouched [[{{Cooldown}} for a period of at least 128 seconds]]. The CD tray functions normally for music [=CDs=], but has the same volume effect on the first 20 seconds of any song played.\\
''Note: D-class performing the test was terminated by [[GaleForceSound a massive sonic concussive blast]] from the device while testing the CD tray. The shockwave ruptured internal organs.''
* [[labelnote:Test #]]0837[[/labelnote]] Testing with a spoon leads to [[ShoutOut an obvious reference]] to ''Film/TheMatrix'':
-->'''Input:''' 1 metal spoon\\

'''Output:''' 1 bent metal spoon.\\
''When Assistant Researcher Erickson viewed the input booth, he appeared extremely confused, repeatedly stating “The booth is empty” and “there is no spoon”. Upon picking the object up and handing it to him, it phased through his hands. It appears that he is unable to interact with or perceive the spoon.- Researcher Graymont''
* Trying to refine cleaning supplies in SCP-914 ends disastrously.
-->'''Test 914-0841'''\\
'''Name:''' Prof. Wren, Assistant Janitor Wakowski\\
'''Date:''' 31/05/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' Five 25 liter containers of "industrial purple" multi-surface sanitizer/cleaner, purple in color with a typical "cleaning fluid" smell.\\
''Note: Wakowski put in a formal request a few days ago, hoping to use 914 to make something to better keep the facility clean with. While his request was denied, I've gotten him clearance to observe this test and offered to run it myself. Personally, I'm kinda hoping at least one of these [[GoneHorriblyWrong goes horribly wrong]] so that people will stop getting the idea of using an unpredictable SCP to make their jobs easier. -Prof. Wren''\\
'''Input:''' 1 container.\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A 25 liter container of "landfill lime" multi-surface sanitizer/cleaner, now green in color and smelling like rotting garbage.\\
''Note: Yeah, needless to say, this one went '''straight''' in the incinerator. -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' 1 container\\

'''Output:''' 2 2.5-gallon containers of "agricultural yellow" sanitizer/cleaner, now yellow in color and smelling like fertilizer.\\
''Note: Wakowski asked that we try a higher setting, since clearly 1:1 was getting nowhere. I wholeheartedly agree; these previous test results stink in every sense of the term. -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' 1 container\\

'''Output:''' A plastic, pump-action water rifle with a 25 liter capacity, filled with the "industrial purple" solution. Pumping the handle shoots a spray of roughly 207ml of fluid over a distance of less than 2 meters.\\

'''Input:''' 1 container\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A large plastic disc filled with 25 liters of the "industrial purple" solution. No means of removing the solution without destroying the disc has been found.\\
''Note: Well, those were kinda useless. Wakowski wanted to try Very Fine on the last one, so be warned. -Prof. Wren''\\
\\
'''Input:''' 1 container\\

'''Output:''' A small plastic container with a plastic cap on top. Container found to contain 25 liters of the "industrial purple" solution under extreme pressure.\\
''Note: D-class testing the device was terminated upon removing the cap, which caused the container to explode, strike him with high-velocity plastic projectiles, and scour much of his face off with high-pressure chemical spray.''\\

''Note: I suspect Wakowski and I are both going to get our asses chewed for that one, but hopefully this gets the point across to the rest of the Site staff. Silver lining, at least the cleanup crew got a head start on this one. -Prof. Wren\\
Note: Half of the testing area walls are purple and the other half of the walls are [[{{Gorn}} smeared with D-21392's remains]]. The cleanup crew will have a head start on the job because the two of you will be doing most of it. - Veritas''
* In the wise words of WebVideo/JonTron: Nope nope nope nope nope nope [[NoJustNoReaction sooooooo much nope]]!
-->'''Test 914-0858'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Clocks\\
'''Date:''' 09/06/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' Three sets of short stories written by Creator/HPLovecraft\\
\\
'''Input:''' One set of Lovecraftian stories\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One altered set of stories written by Lovecraft. Writing now is more up to date, events in the book take place in more modern areas and times and leading characters are more varied with characters ranging from all sorts of backgrounds and ethnicities.\\
\\
'''Input:''' One set of Lovecraftian stories\\

'''Output:''' One stack of SCP files, each with clearance level 3. Confiscated by Dr. Veritas.\\
''Note: It is funny to see what 914 did here. Then again, most of these monsters that we keep locked up could definitely work in some [[CosmicHorrorStory Cosmic Horror stories]]. -Dr. Clocks''\\

'''Input:''' One set of Lovecraftian stories\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One hardback covered book. The front cover of said book depicts [[BlackSpeech a language currently unknown in origin]]. Before proper analysis was taken into place, Dr Clocks almost instinctively removed the book from the testing area and placed it into the incinerator.\\
''Note: [[GenreSavvy Look, we all how this would have ended.]] We've all read Lovecraft and we know [[GoMadFromTheRevelation exactly what will happen]] when we read it. -Dr. Clocks\\
Note: Good call. - Veritas''
* 914 only respects one man[[note]]okay, ''maybe'' two men[[/note]]… much to his chagrin:
-->'''Test 914-0869'''\\
'''Name:''' Junior Researcher Jimson\\
'''Date:''' 17/06/2019\\
'''Input:''' One typed note reading "Hello, 914. I have been recently assigned to work with you. I am interested in us working together as effectively as possible."\\

'''Input:''' Above mentioned\\

'''Output:''' A typed, one-page brochure entitled "How to effectively work with 914". Aside from the title and some generic black-and-white graphics, the brochure is blank. A cognitohazardous effect when viewing the output causes the viewer to have the overwhelming urge to find and speak at length to MT Johnson on the subject of the intricacies and good strategies of equipment repair. Output incinerated and JR Jimson along with two security guards were administered amnestics after being escorted to the infirmary by a very irritated-looking MT Johnson.\\
''Note: Aside from the cognitohazard and being administered amnestics on my first test at this facility, I'd say this first test went as well as it could. On a related note, my future tests in this series will be run on settings no higher than 1:1; less chance of producing anomalous effects that way. - JR Jimson''
* Fun with literature:
-->'''Test 914-0880'''\\
'''Name:''' Junior Researcher Jimson, D-49918, D-49919\\
'''Date:''' 22/06/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 5 old texts acquired from a local book sale.\\
''Note: Between cognitohazards and oil baths, I've decided using a D-class is the only smart thing to do.''\\

'''Input:''' A copy of the Encyclopædia Britannica Vol. 11 dated 1952\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' A pile of shredded paper and book covering. Some parts appear to have been singed while others appear to be torn. No cut marks were noted.\\

'''Input:''' The complete works of William Shakespeare.\\
'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' A book titled "A Complete Anthology of [[Literature/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy Vogon Poetry]]". Upon retrieval from the output booth, D-49918 took it upon himself to open the book and read some poetry. Upon doing so, [[BrownNote his brain activity immediately ceased]]. Book was incinerated.\\
''Note: While I'm curious what combination of words could possibly lead someone's brain to stop functioning, I've read The Hitchhiker's Guide and know enough to not find out for myself. I thought burning the book would be doing the universe a service.''\\

'''Input:''' One copy of Merriam-Webster's English dictionary\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One copy of the Oxford English dictionary.\\
\\
'''Input:''' One Physician's Desk Reference dated 1977\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One Physician's Desk Reference dated 2063. Result sent for study and possible usage by the medical staff on-site.\\
''Note: Nice! If it's real, then that should have some new tricks to make our doctors happy.\\
Note: It would be, [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome but the text references instruments that don't actually exist, as well as some unknown anatomical terms]]. - Veritas''\\
\\
'''Input:''' One text entitled "The Complete World of Greek Mythology" by Richard Buxton\\

'''Output:''' One ornate hard, paper box with a hinged lid clasped shut. On the top of the box was inscribed the words "Jimson's Box". A note was found next to the box that read "Do not open". Given the myth concerning Pandora's Box, D-49919 was terminated by security forces on JR Jimson's order when attempting to open the box after retrieval from the output booth. Output placed in secure storage locker while awaiting approval for further testing.\\
''Note: Why "Jimson's Box"? Am I supposed to open it? [[SchmuckBait Is it weird that I'm very tempted to see what's inside?]] I'd like to request permission to study the contents of this box in a controlled setting to determine its potential value to society. -Junior Researcher Jimson\\
Note: Denied. [[DontTouchItYouIdiot Opening something with even a slight resemblance to the mythical object sounds like a poor idea.]] - Veritas''
* Fun with coffee:
-->'''Test 914-0883'''\\

'''Date:''' 25/06/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One metal mug, filled with coffee; One (cleaned) coffee machine\\
''Note: After a conversation with Intern Walker about coffee, where I seemed to be harsher than I anticipated, I've decided to try and create a coffee generator as a recompense. -Laskenta''\\

'''Input:''' One filled mug; One coffee machine\\
'''Setting:''' Very fine\\
'''Output:''' The mug has been welded on top of the coffee machine, [[GoneHorriblyRight and will be constantly filled to the top with coffee. If the coffee is removed without drinking it directly from the mug, it will be replaced with a sharp metal dust, as soon as it enters a human digestive system, which will result in severe abdominal pain for the drinker]]. The coffee machine will work as expected, but upon making coffee everybody within close range of the machine will feel a strong sense of guilt.\\
''Note: This will not do for the break room. I will disassemble the output. I am just happy that Very Fine didn't result in… something like 3023. -Laskenta''\\
'''Addendum:''' Upon separating the mug from the coffee machine, both items grew metallic limbs and attacked everybody in sight with hot coffee. Both items were quickly disabled and incinerated by security. Result held no anomalous traits afterwards. No casualties, besides first degree burns on the hands and torso of Researcher Laskenta, who separated the items.\\
''Note: I need coffee and a day off. Sorry Walker, maybe next time. -Laskenta\\
Note: I told you it wouldn't work, and now look. You wasted so much perfectly good coffee. And we need a new coffee machine. - Walker\\
Note: The one I have in my room (brought from home) will be used as a compensation in the break room until I buy a new one. -Laskenta''
* An attempt at alchemy with 914 ends [[EpicFail the only way such an experiment could possibly go]]:
-->'''Test 914-0893'''\\
'''Name:''' Guest Researcher Dr. Alex [=McDermott=]\\
'''Date:''' 01/07/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One each of the following: Honda Silverwing scooter, 2.5kg block of lead, [[BloodMagic 256oz. jar of Dr. McDermott's blood]]\\
''Note: Dr. [=McDermott's=] request only noted the use of the scooter for this test. Additional items were stowed within the scooter and were not authorized to be brought in.''\\

'''Input:''' The lead block and jar.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' The jar, now filled with a heavy, dense, gold-colored fluid.\\
''Note: I've done it! The secrets of alchemy have at last been uncovered!''\\
Note: Jar was inadvertently dropped and shattered after the test; the fluid within it then leapt straight at Dr. [=McDermott=], covering his body and entering through multiple pores and orifices, terminating him within moments. Autopsy revealed the fluid had returned to his arteries and become regular blood again; cause of death was determined to be lead poisoning across all of his organs. No further anomalous properties detected from within his remains.''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0900-0999]]
* Another attempt to make coffee in 914 just leads to a series of {{Mind Screw}}s.
-->'''Test 914-0901'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Laskenta; D-46931\\
'''Date:''' 22/06/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' Four metal mugs, filled with black tea\\
''Note: We had many tests lately with uncommon inputs. So I will just try to make coffee. -Laskenta''\\
\\

'''Output:''' One mug, filled with green tea.\\

'''Output:''' One metal mug, filled with water; a small cluster of tea leaves.\\
''Note: D-46931 and I checked if the dial was on Coarse. It was not. - Laskenta''\\

'''Input:''' One mug of black tea.\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One tea mug, filled with metal. Result collapsed instantly. No anomalous traits detected.\\
''Note: Output booth cleaned by myself. The metal will be used for another mug when I got time. - Laskenta''\\
\\

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0212[[/labelnote]] Testing lightbulbs eventually leads to this:
-->'''Input:''' One incandescent light bulb.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One anthropomorphic humanoid light bulb. Object vocalized to staff in English with a slight German accent. Claimed to be Thomas Edison who is (erroneously) credited with inventing the first light bulb.\\
\\
''"This thing will not stop talking about its "[[KnowNothingKnowItAll grand scientific achievements]]" to everyone it meets. Request to gain as much information as possible about its existence and smash it with a sledgehammer?" - Researcher Blais''\\
''"[[KillItWithFire Just incinerate it, Blais.]]" - Dr. Veritas''

* More fun with MundaneUtility:
-->'''Test 914-0221'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Hazard\\
'''Date:''' 23/05/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' One AP Calculus textbook\\

'''Input:''' One AP Calculus textbook\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Large shreds of paper and plastic in a pile\\

''Note: [[DefensiveWhat What?]] Don’t look at me like that, school’s over. - Dr. Hazard''\\
''Note: Hazard, if I catch you using 914 as your personal paper shredder again, I'm reassigning you to Site-██. Yes, [[ReassignedToAntarctica the one in Antarctica]]. - Dr. Veritas''
* SCP-914 does ''[[OhCrap not]]'' want to make ''[[TheDreaded any]]'' contact with [[MechanicalAbomination SCP-882]]. In fact, it doesn't even want to be reminded that it ''exists''. [[labelnote:Why is SCP-914 afraid?]][[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-882 SCP-882]] is a conglomeration of gears [[TheAssimilator that consumes all metal objects that it comes in contact with]], so if SCP-914 was actually introduced to SCP-882 for real, the encounter would likely end with 914 being eaten and [[KilledOffForReal neutralized]] (and 882 getting a ''lot'' bigger).[[/labelnote]]
-->'''Test 914-0232'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Stern\\
'''Date:''' 08/06/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' Four A4 printed photographs of SCP-882\\
\\

'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' [[BigNo One 200x148mm piece of paper in the shape of a zero or letter O. One similarly-sized piece of paper in the shape of a capital letter N or Z.]] Several hundred 5-10mm triangular scraps of paper. [[BringMyBrownPants One small puddle of brownish ink.]]\\
\\
'''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\\

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0280[[/labelnote]] Researcher Darby picks up his first injury:
-->'''Input:''' Superhero graphic novel [Batman], One Kilogram Iron filings\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One small toy Joker as described in the novel, when retrieval was attempted the miniature Joker attacked Researcher I. Darby and [DATA EXPUNGED]. Object successfully neutralized with only minor injuries and the loss of Researcher I. Darby's pride.\\
''In the future I'm letting the D-Class Personnel retrieve objects, that can never happen again - Researcher I. Darby''

* An attempt to give 914 a tune-up ends in an unexpected fashion:
-->'''Test 914-0287'''\\
'''Name:''' Maintenance Technician Johnson\\
'''Date:''' 18/11/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' Five gallons industrial strength degreaser, One gallon industrial strength rust remover, One gallon industrial engine lubricant, One handwritten note reading “Use these supplies to give yourself a tune-up”\\
'''Note:''' Let’s see if I can give 914 a tune-up. Who knows how long it’s been since it last had one?\\

'''Input:''' All of the above\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A foul-smelling mixture of the aforementioned degreaser and lubricant. Analysis reveals substantial amounts of rust, ash, and soot. The note is unreadable due to being completely blackened. One small metal and a plastic statue of Maintenance Technician Johnson holding a wrench and standing in a gallant pose. Statue has memetic properties leading to viewers gaining an intense urge to give M.T. Johnson either a promotion or a pay raise, whichever would lead to him getting paid more. This effect lasts for an average of two hours after viewing. Moved to secure containment.\\

''Note: Now every pay raise or promotion I could ever possibly receive is going to be treated as a possible containment breach. [[UnwantedAssistance Great.]] - Maintenance Technician Johnson\\
Note: The cleanup took 2 bloody hours. Remind me to take the clearance of the next technician that tries this without conferring with a senior researcher first. - Veritas''
* Dr. Day and [[RainbowSpeak his amazing technicolor pens]]:
-->'''Test 914-0298'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Day\\
'''Date:''' 30-11-18\\
'''Total Items:''' 4 broken pens.\\
''Note: I'm getting pissed off at all my pens breaking. -Day''\\
\\

'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A mechanical pencil with what appeared to be a plastic cartridge. melted into ink when Dr. Day tried to retrieve it.\\
''Note: God dammit, [Data Smudged] hands [Data Smudged] with ink -Day''\\
\\
'''Input:''' 1 broken pen\\

* Dr. Harvey is more than a little bitter over getting chewed out:
-->'''Test 914-0354'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Harvey\\
'''Date:''' 04/03/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' A wallet, pieces of a desk, a mug labeled “number 1# researcher”\\

'''Input:''' A wallet\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Torn up leather and plastic\\

'''Input:''' Pieces of a desk\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Sawed up wooden planks\\

'''Input:''' A mug labeled “number 1# researcher.”\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' None\\

''Note: Dr. Harvey was detained before he could continue. He also had other items that belonged to Dr. Ricardo.\\
Note: Both of their testing licenses have been revoked. Don't care who started it, I'm finishing it. [[GetOut Now get the hell out of the testing area.]] - Terren\\
Note: What the hell?! Look, I know you're mad about last Sunday, but that's just low. -Dr. Ricardo''
* 914 doesn't care to follow patterns:
-->'''Test 914-0364'''\\
'''Name:''' Assistant Researcher Erickson\\
'''Date:''' 23/01/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One Bugle, three cubes of brass (Varying sizes)\\

'''Input:''' The aforementioned bugle, One small cube of brass.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One piccolo trumpet.\\

'''Input:''' The aforementioned trumpet, One medium sized cube of brass.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One trombone.\\
''If I'm correct, the next one should be a tuba. - Assistant Researcher Erickson''\\

'''Input:''' The aforementioned trombone, One large cube of brass.\\

'''Output:''' One brass statue of Rick Astley. [[JustForFun/{{Rickroll}} Statue played the song "Never Gonna Give You Up" nonstop from an unidentifiable source.]]\\
''This goddamn machine… I can't deal with this. -Assistant Researcher Erickson\\
The statue was melted down to scrap in the site incinerator as instructed, but [[ItWontTurnOff it's still playing the F*CKING song]]. -Agent Alyson''
* This is why you don't play with weird devices:
-->'''Test 914-0369'''\\
'''Name:''' Jr. Researcher Stan\\
'''Date:''' 26-01-2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One solid-state USB drive with a capacity of 128 GB. Drive is empty and unformatted.\\
''Note: I wanted to see if 914 could write information onto a drive, and if so what it might put in there. I have a Windows computer on a closed system with no internet or system access. This will be tested with the drive. - Stan''\\

'''Input:''' One SSD, empty\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One SSD with a USB compatibility. Appears to be a different model than the input device. The drive has a small switch on the top, with the activated position marked with an engraved 'X'. The computer appeared unable to recognize the drive when plugged in, disallowing any manual transferring of files. When the switch was pushed to the 'X' position, the computer malfunctioned. Upon further testing, it appears the drive deletes "[=System32=]" off of any computer running Windows OS when the switch is activated. Item has no effect on non-Windows operating systems.\\

''Note: Later that day, a researcher wearing a plastic Guy Fawkes mask entered secure storage using proper security clearance and stole the drive. All Windows computers connected to the Foundation system later came under malware attack despite foundation security software and were disabled via deletion of [=System32=]. The researcher responsible was identified through the records of the security card scanner. The researcher has been fired and amnesticized.\\
Note: I don't think he realized that all of the important Foundation computers run SCP OS. -Stan''
* 914 knows who holds the cards:
-->'''Test 914-0372'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Calloway\\
'''Date:''' 29/01/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 1 note, labeled "Best Researcher ever".\\

'''Input:''' 1 note, labeled "Best Researcher ever".\\

'''Output:''' 1 note, labeled "Veritas"\\
''Suck up. -Dr. Calloway''
* SCP-914 seems to carry a torch for Johnson:
-->'''Test 914-0381'''\\
'''Name:''' Maintenance Technician Johnson\\
'''Date:''' 30/01/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 3 abridged copies of MT Johnson's personnel file, which have been scrubbed of all sensitive information\\
''Note: Since 914 partially operates by intent of the operator, let's see what happens when I create some feedback by putting in information about myself.''\\

'''Input:''' 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A copy of the mission statement of the Department of Maintenance, an obscure department which is responsible for the upkeep of SCP containment enclosures.\\
''Note: If no one's heard of us, then that means we're doing our jobs correctly. - MT Johnson''\\
\\
'''Input:''' 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file\\

'''Output:''' One large origami wrench embossed with the words "Secure, Maintain, Protect"\\
''Note: About what I expected, but that's not the Foundation's actual slogan. Perhaps it's my perception of it? - MT Johnson''\\

'''Input:''' 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[BrokenRecord The file now contains several pages of the word "maintain" handwritten over and over in printer ink.]] Writing confirmed as identical to that of MT Johnson. [[MadnessMantra Writing starts out normally but gets rougher and rougher as it progresses, as well as containing an increasing number of capital letters. By the end, it is barely legible as well as being entirely capitalized.]] The folder has what appears to be an emblem made up of a pair of crossed wrenches pressed into its front and back as well.\\
''Note: This feels like it's from the typewriter scene from Film/TheShining. I'm just going to leave this in secure storage and [[BrainBleach try to forget that this ever happened]]. - MT Johnson''
* [[labelnote:Test #]]0389[[/labelnote]] A test with a shovel has a very strange ending:
-->'''Input:''' One standard-issue military entrenching tool, as produced by SCP-914.\\

'''Output:''' An anomalous military entrenching tool that, when held, prompts the subject to attempt to exchange it for cheap goods and services, regardless of whether the recipient is willing to accept it.\\
''Note: The remainder of the test postponed while I go see if anyone wants a duplicated shovel. - Dr. Hadian\\
Note: Dr. Hadian has been sent to the antimemetics department for treatment by Dr. Veritas, or to use his words: "No, I don't want a [[PrecisionFStrike [REDACTED[=]=]]] spade." - Security Officer Schwartz''
** It becomes more hilarious when you realize it's a reference to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nWG-kqUc40 this!]]
* A test with amnestics goes bad quickly.
-->'''Test 914-0392'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Range — Medical Department\\
'''Date:''' 05/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 1 Class-B amnestic, small tablet.\\
''Note: Attempting to see if 914 can create more powerful amnestics. A low level one was used for obvious reasons.''\\

'''Input:''' Class-B amnestic tablet\\

'''Output:''' Visually unchanged tablet. Anyone within a five meter radius of this tablet appears to suffer from short-term memory loss, which is removed once outside the range.\\
''Note: Took a while, but eventually tablet was incinerated. Every time someone tried to move it, they'd take two steps, forget why they had it, and set it down. -Dr. Range''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0400-0499]]
* [[labelnote:Test #]]0400[[/labelnote]] Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird shit is not appreciated.
-->'''Input:''' One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One paper with a [[BigNo big "NO"]] written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source\\
''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction …No. Nope. I've had it.]] I'm done. No more. I quit! [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Where's the medical bay, I'll take whatever amnestics I need to to get out of here!]] - Archivist Morgan\\

Note: To site security: I would like to report that there is [[FreakOut a mental breakdown in progress]] in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesticize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "[[RageQuit I quit]]" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen\\
[[AndAnotherThing Note:]] I've seen 914 archivists [[HeroicBSOD melt down]] before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen''
* Dr. Hadian has weird tastes:
-->'''Test 914-0404'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Hadian\\
'''Date:''' 11/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' Three copies of an adult graphic novel, title [REDACTED]\\
''Note: I know it's not professional, but frankly I'm surprised nobody's tried it yet.''\\
\\
'''Input:''' A copy of the aforementioned book\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A book of diagrams indicating how to fill out an unidentified form, written in Japanese. Cursory translation suggests that the form is financial in nature, and references details such as the owner's age, date and location of birth, marital status, star sign, personality type, and various other personal details.\\
\\
'''Input:''' A copy of the aforementioned book\\

'''Output:''' A catalog of land vehicles, food items, and firearms, arranged without a clear pattern.\\

'''Input:''' A copy of the aforementioned book\\

'''Output:''' A graphic novel in a similar style. Those handling it have reported an immediate spike in their libido upon picking it up.\\
''Note: While that last outcome was more or less as anticipated, I have to wonder about the first two. Perhaps 914 is configuring them to the preferences of the operator? - Dr. Hadian\\
Note: Who the fuck gets off on paying their taxes? - Researcher Jenkins''
* Yet another security breach:
-->'''Test 914-0405'''\\
'''Name:''' [[PaperThinDisguise Researcher Mi Sicx]]\\
'''Date:''' 11/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One Warrant for Researcher I. Darby, 5 platoons of SCP-705\\

'''Input:''' One arrest order for Researcher I. Darby, 5 Platoons of SCP-705\\

'''Output:''' 5 Platoons of SCP-705 wearing thick paper SWAT armor, dyed black from printer ink.\\
SCP-705 disappeared during the confrontation of Researcher Mi Sicx and are presumed to be loose in the ventilation shafts. Robot sweepers are to be sent into ventilation to collect rogue SCP-705 Elements.\\
''Note: What's the status of that background check? First police and now UsefulNotes/MI6 are attempting to arrest Researcher I. Darby, also bring him to my office when you are able - Chief Brandt to staff\\
Note: Created instances of SCP-705 have been destroyed and relevant members of [=MI6=] have been administered amnestics. I have no idea who let them in, but Director Hackett is absolutely furious and I advise the one responsible to stay far away from his office for a while. - Senior Security Officer Schwartz and Dr. Veritas''
* Calloway has no luck with musical things:
-->'''Test 914-0406'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Calloway\\
'''Date:''' 12/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 1 copy of '[[VideoGame/BattleBlockTheater Battleblock theater]]'.\\

'''Input:''' 1 copy of 'Battleblock theater'.\\

'''Output:''' 1 plastic cube. The song [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwZISypgA9M 'It's a secret']] from the game 'Battleblock theater' appears to be playing anomalously from the cube, [[ItWontTurnOff with no end]].\\
''[[IncessantMusicMadness Someone make it stop.]] -Dr. Calloway''
* Remember, safety first!
-->'''Test 914-0429'''\\
'''Name:''' Jr. Researcher Stan\\
'''Date:''' 19/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One squeezable plastic pouch of instant drink mix, fruit punch flavored\\

'''Input:''' Drink mix\\

'''Output:''' A similarly shaped pouch to the original. The label read "'''Bomb'''astic Explosive Flavor!" with no nutrition information or ingredients.\\
''Note: We've decided to test this in a reinforced chamber with a remote arm. [[StuffBlowingUp I think you know why.]] -Stan''\\
''Results: A technician operated the remote arm from behind reinforced glass with Jr. Researcher Stan. The remote arm poured the mix into a glass of water. Drink mix was shown to be colored bright red. Upon fully diffusing into the water, it began to violently react and created a small explosion, destroying the glass and sending shards throughout the room. Remote arm and drink pouch were unharmed.''\\
''Note: I was expecting something more grenade-like, but it was awesome anyway. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong We got permission to break open the pouch over a 20-liter tub.]] -Stan''\\
''Results: Remote arm was used to crush the pouch, spilling most of its contents into the tub. After roughly five minutes, the water in the tub began to react, bubbling and spilling its contents, making loud gurgling noises. A loud bang is audible as the camera feed cuts out. Later inspection shows the camera was destroyed when a piece of the tub impacted it and broke it open, allowing water to damage the circuitry. The remote arm was also destroyed by a mixture of blunt force damage, shrapnel, and water.\\
Note: [[BringMyBrownPants Anybody got some clean pants I can borrow?]] -Stan''
* [[labelnote:Test #]]0430[[/labelnote]] Researcher Calloway hasn't gotten the memo that testing with amnestics is a bad idea.
-->'''Input:''' 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A colorless, odorless gas. Detection methods proved unable to detect the gas, so the chamber was declared empty, and several researchers, including Calloway, were affected. The gas proved to be anomalous, with the effect of making all subjects who inhale it speak and write backwards for an unknown length of time.\\
''Note: .sruoh flah a dna eerht rof siht ekil kcuts neeb ev'I ,em pleh enoemoS [[labelnote:Translation]]Someone help me, I've been stuck like this for three and a half hours.[[/labelnote]] -Researcher Calloway\\
Note: We're going to let him sit this one out for the duration of the effect [[WhatWereYouThinking to allow him to ponder the question]]: [[TooDumbToLive Is testing of mind-affecting substances through unpredictable anomalous objects a good idea?]] No one tell him the answer; he'll have to come up with it on his own. - Dr. Veritas.''
* '''The very next test''' makes the same mistake:
-->'''Test 914-0431'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Tsubasa\\
'''Date:''' 21/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One vial of Y-909.\\

'''Input:''' See above.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' [REDACTED]. Object seems to emit a pulse of an unknown energy that renders all who view it [[DeathOfPersonality to immediately revert to a vegetable-like state]]. Object was terminated by several members of the amnestics division.\\

''Note: Oh thank god I wasn't there to see it, I needed to take a [REDACTED]. -Dr. Tsubasa\\
Note: [[LampshadeHanging .sekatsim ym morf denrael evah dluohS]] [[labelnote:Translation]]Should have learned from my mistakes.[[/labelnote]] -Sr. Researcher Calloway''
* The best candidate for Darby's "[[EstablishingCharacterMoment Moron Event Horizon]]" is probably his "dihydrogen monoxide" test:
-->'''Test 914-0433'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 20/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One 2-Liter Tub of water (Labeled Di-Hydrogen Monoxide), One pamphlet describing the dangers of Di-hydrogen Monoxide;\\
''This test is to see if SCP-914 can fall for the same "Tricks" as we can''\\

'''Input:''' One Di-Hydrogen Monoxide Pamphlet\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One Pamphlet describing the dangers of Pollution\\
''The Framework has been set, now to see what it does to "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"''\\

''The bucket of water was carried in a sealed container by four men in haz-mat suits as if it was an incredibly dangerous liquid.''\\
'''Input:''' One 2-Liter Tub of "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One 2-Liter Tub of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide\\
''[[TemptingFate It did nothing?]] I was expecting it to super heat it or destroy it in some way, well, better deal with this water and [[LethallyStupid dispose of it properly]]. - Researcher Darby''\\

'''''[[EpicFail Site-19 has been put into Quarantine]] until the "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" can be flushed out of the drainage system and affected areas. SCP-914 apparently turned the bucket of water into a bucket of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, this change was only detected when Researcher Darby was put into the medical bay approximately two hours after drinking from the bucket. All reported claims of Di-Hydrogen monoxide as stated by the pamphlet are revealed to be the case as reported by medical staff's examination of the researcher.'''''\\
''Note: Please, please, test everything that comes out of 914 if it looks unchanged. This was quite annoying to deal with… - Dr. Range - Site 19 Medical Department\\
Note: He actually drank from the ██████ bucket? I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when [[TooDumbToLive the idiot inevitably gets himself killed]]. - Dr. Veritas''
* An attempt to defictionalize [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 Bonk! Atomic Punch]] goes exactly how you'd expect.
-->'''Test 914-0436'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Artium\\
'''Date:''' 20/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One copy of the game "Team Fortress 2", One "Scout Picture", One aluminum can filled with drink mix\\
''With multiple video game-related tests conducted with 914, I thought that I would test results with this game due to the high number of random objects that appear in the game, this may help determine what 914 would determine as worthy of "fine" and "very fine". -Artium''\\

'''Input:''' All of the above items\\
'''Setting:''' very fine\\
'''Output:''' One full can of "Bonk Atomic Punch". D-Class personnel performed a test to review if it had the same effect as in-game ''Atomic Punch''. After a single sip, D-41241-WA [[HollywoodHeartAttack immediately grabbed their chest in pain and collapsed]]. On conduction of an autopsy, medical staff confirmed the cause of death to be a heart attack, along with toxic amounts of plastic and wood pulp forming in the stomach and liver, presumably the remains of the game and the picture.\\

''Note: It appears that the drink's total amount of sugar [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome conformed to reality]], so instead of [[SuperSpeed making a person able to move impossible speeds]], their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.\\
Why are you letting '''UNRESTRAINED''' D-Class test this in the first place? They could escape if the effect had been to speed them up rather than blow their hearts with sugar! - Researcher [[PunnyName Al Catraz]]''
* Testing with data storage devices ends terribly for Darby:
-->'''Test 914-0450'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 28/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One Calendar for the year 2019, Map of the world circa 2019, [[strike:One Set of Handcuffs,]] One copy of the Voyager II disk, One 2 Terabyte Hard-drive\\

'''Input:''' One Calendar circa 2019\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One Calendar circa 9102\\
''Well, now we know the day [[WorldWarIII WW3]] started, there's a memorial for it on [REDACTED].''\\
\\
'''Input:''' Map of the world circa 2019\\

'''Output:''' [[ApocalypseHow Paper mache Nuclear mushroom]]\\
''[[{{Understatement}} That's worrying.]]''\\

'''Input:''' Voyager II disk copy\\

'''Output:''' [[strike:Unchanged]] '''Unknown'''\\
''Staff have no memory of taking disk out of output booth, but it cannot be found and several researchers are reporting symptoms similar to amnesiac victims.''\\

'''Input:''' One 2 Terabyte hard drive\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[strike:Unchanged]] Hard Drive now acts as a matter containment device, device specifications (Storage: 500 Meters[[superscript:2]]) has been inscribed on packaging along with the Apple logo.\\
''Note: Researcher Darby was [[TooDumbToLive absorbed through contact upon picking up device with bare hands]]. At this time, Researcher Darby still has not been recovered, though several attempts have been made and tests are ongoing.\\
Note: If he doesn't survive this time, let it be known that I called it. - Dr. Veritas''
* This may be 914's Greatest TakeThat yet:
-->'''Test 914-0465'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Viridine\\
'''Date:''' 03/09/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One Blu-ray copy of the full series of Film/{{Twilight}}, one printed copy of the "Fanfic/MyImmortal" fanfiction\\

'''Input:''' Blu-ray disk containing all Twilight movies.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A blu-ray disk containing the entire [[Film/Underworld2003 Underworld]] series. Upon further examination, a note within the case of said disk reading "[[BigNo NO]]" was found in the place of a printed digital download code.\\
''Note: Me too, 914. Me too. -Dr. Viridine''\\

'''Input:''' Printed copy of "My Immortal" fanfiction.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A hardcover copy of a book titled simply "HOW TO WRITE". Pages completely blank. Experimentation revealed that if a reader viewed each page within the book, they were suddenly compelled to write. Several D-Class subjects were instructed to read the book, and each produced within several hours a full draft of a fictional story with an incredibly detailed plot. Permission of further research on book and possible classification as an anomaly of its own requested.\\
''Note: I think even 914 is disgusted by that fic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a completed manuscript to email to my publisher. -Dr. Viridine''
* Darby pisses off a terracotta army:
-->'''Test 914-0469'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher I. Darby\\
'''Date:''' 18/03/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 5 Terracotta Soldiers\\
''Note: These were obtained in a completely "Legal" manner''\\
\\

'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Pile of clay shards and dust\\
''Note: My intern said he heard screams, [[ItsProbablyNothing I think he's imagining it]] so I'm sending him to get the components for my next experiment from storage.''\\

'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' Neatly disassembled and arranged on floor of booth\\
''Note: Put straps on those pieces and you could wear it like armor.''\\

'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' Egyptian Anubis statue (Shrunk to size)\\
''Note: What? Why? How? [[FridgeBrilliance Oh wait]], the soldiers guard the Emperor in death and the statues guard the tomb.''\\
\\
'''Input:''' Terracotta Soldier\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' Terracotta Soldier\\
''Note: The soldier has been cleaned and refurbished as if it was brand new.''\\
\\
'''Input:''' Terracotta Soldier\\

* Dr. King tries to get Researcher Devyn to produce a catalytic generator with 100% efficiency by using SCP-682. Of course, since it involves [[RunningGag Dr. King]]…
-->'''Test 914-0538'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Devyn\\
'''Date:''' 09/04/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One handheld catalytic generator, 18% conversion efficiency.\\
''Note: Researcher Devyn is on assignment from Dr. King.''\\

''Note: In case anyone is wondering, a catalytic generator produces electricity via a catalyst between [DATA EXPUNGED]. A handheld unit like the one provided can produce up to 48 watts of power an hour for a period of up to 4 hours. However, the process currently leaves 82% of the materials in an unusable state without refinement, resulting in the short life span before replacement of materials is needed. The goal of this experiment is to produce a generator with close to 100% efficiency, in order to tackle the Foundation's growing energy needs. -Researcher Devyn''\\

'''Input:''' The catalytic generator.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' ''(crossed-out: [[RunningGag 157 apple seeds]])'' 157 smaller catalytic generators, each having 1/157 the mass of the original and measuring approximately the size of a piece of candy corn. Tests revealed that, while each generator had 99.4% conversion efficiency, they only output 0.04W an hour. Additionally, a cognitohazardous anomaly causes anyone directly viewing them to perceive them as appleseeds; viewing through a camera feed mitigates the anomaly. Further analysis of the changes in the devices' technology is currently pending.\\

''Note: Dammit, should have known this would happen…also, what the hell are you people talking about? Those are clearly [EXPLETIVE DELETED] apple seeds. -Researcher Devyn''\\

''Note: Suggestions to deliver the generators to Dr. King are preemptively denied.''
* Fun with quantum mechanics:
-->'''Test 914-0540'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 10/04/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 5 Papers on Quantum Theory, 5 small balls of steel, 4 beef Ramen bowls;\\
''Note: Who took that last bowl of beef ramen? Also, don't ask what the point of this is because I have no answer. - Researcher Darby''\\

'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel;\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Shreds of Paper and Steel fragments;\\
''Note: Not surprised - Researcher Darby''\\
\\

'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' Paper, Steel, Plastic, and Ramen neatly separated along with a puddle of ink;\\
''Note: Again, standard coarse reaction to input. - Researcher Darby''\\
\\
'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' Paper on Planetary Physics, Steel Cube, Chicken Ramen bowl;\\
''Note: In my opinion 914, turning a perfectly good bowl of Beef Ramen to a bowl of Chicken Ramen is regression, not equivalent exchange. - Researcher Darby''\\
\\
'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' Paper describing 7th Dimension travel, Steel bull, Cooked beef Ramen, [[MindScrew Researcher Darby]];\\
''Note: I'm looking at myself watching me write this note…. - Researcher Darby''\\
\\
'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\\

* An attempt at making a request is either interpreted as ReversePsychology or [[{{Troll}} flat-out denied]] (you never really can tell with SCP-914):
-->'''Test 914-0548'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Matism\\
'''Date:''' 10/04/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 1 note reading "''Don't expose me to a cognitohazard please.''"\\

'''Input:''' Above\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' Cognitohazardous symbols that when viewed, cause extreme cravings of Mexican food.\\

''Note: God [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] 914, you had one job! - Dr. Matism\\
Note: Who the hell put that thing in the cafeteria during pizza Wednesday? Everyone starved themselves! - Researcher Danok\\
Note: I just folded the pizza into a taco and put toppings on it. -Intern Lunar\\
Note: Can we hire Lunar? His ingenuity is baffling. - Dr. Matism\\
Note: Let him send his resume to my office. I have a feeling a position is going to open up if you keep up the level of professionalism that you currently have. -Veritas''
* Should have seen this one coming.[[note]]Keep in mind that SCP-914 is explicitly stated to follow conservation of mass; however much matter goes in is the exact same amount of matter that goes out.[[/note]]
-->'''Test 914-0552'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. V█████\\
'''Date:''' 11/04/2019\\
'''Total items:''' One toolbox containing one each of the following: A flathead screwdriver, a Phillips screwdriver, a claw hammer, a ballpeen hammer, a 16' measuring tape, a hacksaw, needle-nose pliers, vice grips, a crescent wrench adjustable to up to 2-1/2", a set of metric Allen wrenches, and a set of standard Allen wrenches.\\
''Note: [[TemptingFate If all goes well with this test]], this will create the perfect multi-tool, suitable for any task. Then [[FreudianSlip I…er, the Foundation, rather]], can reverse-engineer it and market it for millions! -Dr. V█████''\\
\\
'''Input:''' The toolbox.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A large, multi-limbed arthropodal creature made of plastic and metal. Its abdomen and head resembled the toolbox. At the end of each limb was the end of one of the tools. Immediately upon the "Output" booth opening, the creature attacked Dr. V█████ and smashed his head in with its hammer-appendages, killing him instantly. Security personnel moved in and destroyed the creature.\\
\\

* Dr. Xerial turns out to ''not'' be [[WhatAnIdiot the bottom of the barrel]] in terms of common sense:

Note: [[WhatAnIdiot He actually drank from the ██████ bucket?]] I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when [[TooDumbToLive the idiot inevitably gets himself killed]]. - Dr. Veritas''

''Note: [[WhatAnIdiot What did I really expect from SCP-914 honestly.]] Whelp, goodbye Website/{{Reddit}}. - Dr. Engelhart\\

''Note: [[WhatAnIdiot What he thought was going to happen from touching what was effectively the blade of Maria Sharapova's lightsaber is beyond me]], but I guess this is why we '''have''' these guys. -Prof. Wren''\\

''Note: One of the D-class who tested it tried to use too much of his own bioelectricity [[LeeroyJenkins in an attempt to charge and attack the security personnel]] before suffering from cardiac arrest. This serves as a reminder that your heartbeat is partially controlled by bioelectricity. - Junior Researcher Kai'' [[note]]Even if the D-Class ''didn't'' [[SelfDisposingVillain kill himself by ruining his metabolic integrity]], he was still trying to use ''a melee weapon'' [[WhatAnIdiot to attack]] ''[[WhatAnIdiot people armed with guns]]'' and trained to use them to lethally dispatch belligerent entities without already being right next to them. In other words, [[EpicFail he would have been shot to death without achieving anything.]][[/note]]

Note: Excuse me? Every page from [[Wiki/TheOtherWiki Wikipedia]] and Wikileaks, to Website/{{Deviantart}} and Pixiv, to CNN and KMBC 9 News, all the way to UsefulNotes/{{Steam}}, Website/{{Twitter}}, Apple Inc., and even two of our internal network servers [[DisasterDominoes got shut down within ten minutes of that experiment]]. I was told that Site Director Hackett threw an entire experiment log folder across the room after he heard the news. Consider yourself lucky that there were no severe containment breaches during the two hours when our network servers went down (and Site-17 was still cleaning up the mess caused by an SCP-953 containment breach attempt). Engelhart, you better fix this mess, fast. And don't expect Veritas to not revoke your testing permits. - Cleveland\\

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0109[[/labelnote]] SCP-914 does not appreciate tax forms. Inputting an IRS 1040 form on "Fine" results in the SCP using all the blank space available on the paper to curse out the concept of taxation in five different languages, and putting in the form on "Very Fine" produces a tax form filled out by filled out by [[UsefulNotes/{{Caligula}} Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus]].

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0112[[/labelnote]] Fun with art:
-->'''Input:''' One (1) print of [''Les trahison des images'' by René Marguite]\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A blank piece of paper with the memetic property of inducing observers to believe that it is a pipe. The paper was accidentally destroyed by Dr. C███████ who placed it in his mouth and set it on fire. Dr. C███████ was treated for minor burns to his face but was otherwise not injured.

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0109[[/labelnote]] SCP-914 does not appreciate tax forms.
-->'''Input:''' 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "[[Literature/TheSilmarillion Morgoth]]".\\
\\
'''Input:''' 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' An anachronistic IRS Form "MXL"[[note]]1040 in Roman numerals[[/note]] filled out by [[UsefulNotes/{{Caligula}} Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus]].

''Note: We spent 45 minutes trying to figure out why this thing was moving the way it was, to no avail. Then I looked into where certain other personnel were at the time and I found the answer. It was bouncing off the wall directly between it and Researcher Darby, and has been locked onto his location ever since. Given the elevation it's maintaining, and Darby's luck with 914 in general, there's a good chance [[GroinAttack this thing's going for a crotch-shot]]. Whether it'll stop at one hit or [[UpToEleven just keep pelting him in the groin until the heat-death of the cosmos]], however, is anyone's guess. -Prof. Wren\\

* [[WhatAnIdiot An ill-advised test]] causes Dr. Veritas' blood pressure to spike.

'''Output''': A crumpled-up piece of paper. The output was launched at high velocity and trailed smoke.\\

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]][[EscalatingPunchline Eventually.]] His first several appearances are far more mundane (he's subject to a minor HumiliationConga and has law enforcement come looking for him, but is otherwise treated largely like any other tester in his first several appearances); he first shows up in the 0200-0299 experiment logs, but doesn't truly become a RunningGag until midway through the 0400-0499 logs.[[/note]] Other researchers who become {{Running Gag}}s include Dr. Calloway (who is relentlessly {{troll}}ed), Dr. Nukea (who has a bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'', to the point where it becomes an OverlyLongGag (and SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with him)), Maintenance Technician Johnson (who SCP-914 ''tries'' to be nice to, [[UnwantedAssistance but ends up doing so in a way that breaks Foundation protocol]] [[note]]and in one case, makes him into a GaryStu (which he doesn't appreciate)[[/note]], and it also [[CargoShip possibly has a crush on Johnson]]), and Professor Wren (who SCP-914 develops a fondness for, but [[TheGadfly it still isn't above screwing with her from time to time]]).