For a site that's designed to scare the shit out of you, there sure are a lot of funny moments to be had.
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Attempts to Kill SCP- 682
For context, SCP-682 is a vaguely lizard-like... thing... that has become the living embodiment of Why Won't You Die?. Hell, it has to be kept in a 5m3 cube filled with hydrochloric acid just to keep it sedate (as it is also a murderous Misanthrope Supreme). Naturally, other SCPs are tested to see if 682 can be killed. Hilarity Ensues.
- SCP-826 is a pair of bookends that can transport people into the universe of any story put between them.SCP-826, equipped with one (1) copy of "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Can And Will Kill SCP-682 Permanently if it So Much As Spots That Damn Lizard", a 12-page short story written by Dr. ██████, detailing a large, friendly monster that is stated to be capable of permanently killing SCP-682, and 1 (one) D-Class personnel (D-682-32) equipped with 1 (one) 2010 Ducati Multistrada motorcycle for the purpose of evading SCP-682.
Recovery personnel describe the story's pasture as having become a "Battleground", featuring impact craters with enormous body parts scattered around. Parts are thought to be from the story's "Thing". Recovered story is retitled "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Tried To Kill SCP-682 Permanently But Failed", and is noticeably thicker, with 209 individual pages that detail an epic battle between the two monsters.
- Amongst the procedures trying to kill 682, one of the suggested ideas would be... to drop it from a really high place. Naturally, this gets denied.
- It is a very friendly blob of orange goo that makes people happier. Naturally, they decided to use it on 682. Hilarity Ensues.Despite the tragedy that SCP-682 had brought upon the facility, SCP-999 has not shown any fear towards the creature and in fact has made gestures suggesting it wants to "play" with SCP-682 again. SCP-682, however, has stated, "That feculent little snot wad can [DATA EXPUNGED] and die."
- It even amuses a doctor to the point of wanting the security tapes of the incident.Memo from Dr. ████: While the test was unsuccessful and ended in tragedy, that had to be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I never thought Id see the day when I would regard SCP-682 as cute. Please send me a copy of the security tapes ASAP.
- It is a very friendly blob of orange goo that makes people happier. Naturally, they decided to use it on 682. Hilarity Ensues.
- Introducing SCP-682 to SCP-053:
- She ends up scribbling on 682 with crayons. The fact that SCP-682 let this happen, and the fact that they get along so well, are somewhere between this and heartwarming; the theories concerning why this happened are Nightmare Fuel, though (SCP-053 being a young girl who also happens to be Hate Plague given human form).
- In a Crosses the Line Twice example, the above inspires a "guest researcher" to put a child with 682 (one normal, one numbed so as not to cry), with the expected grisly result. Dr. Clef proceeds to throw the researcher to 682, and asks what the hell he was thinking in putting children with that monster.
- The very idea of 682 being chased around by a little bunny rabbit is just hilarious.
- During the testing of SCP-261, some of the researchers put in 500 yen and asked to be given something that could kill 682. The product they were given was a number of stick-on tattoos that basically called them idiots. In the notes, they were mocked for thinking that they could get something to get rid of 682 for just 500 yen. The constant attempts to get something to kill 682 are then lampshaded, with the question of if it's some initiation ritual amongst new researchers to do so.
- Someone once tried to introduce Dr. Clef to 682. It just stared at him while the doctor managed to escape. It absolutely wasn't an attempt on Dr. Clef's life, and 682 murdered the scientist who issued the experiment by repeatedly smashing his head without moving from his containment, or moving at all.
- After SCP-017 loses in a fight with 682, 682 says "You foul bags of tissue; you dont [DATA EXPUNGED].".
- An attempt to bring SCP-096 in to kill 682 sees the two of them duke it out for 27 hours before they finally stop. The result? 096 huddled in a Troubled Fetal Position and 682 losing 85% of its body and being rendered utterly exhausted. So, obviously, nobody won. Trying to repeat the experiment resulted in SCP-096 clawing at its own face and refusing to fight SCP-682.
- Once they tried to use me, SCP-426. 682 did believe it had become me, a toaster... a murderous, toast-shooting toaster. But I have to admit, the bread was perfectly toasted.
- They must be running out of ideas, or being driven batshit insane, because apparently eating 682 came up once as a suggestion. Yes, it was a suggestion by Dr. Bright, but the fact that at least one other person went along with it...219. The fact that SCP-682 regenerates all lost tissue does not make it an "infinite hamburgers machine".1. Most especially because they tasted horrible.
- When they used SCP-507, a dimension-hopping humanoid, to terminate 682, it actually works. 63 hours later, SCP-507 returns, but this time with a 682 with wings, and a note:Dear Universe 5802-Sigma-Blue-Romeo;It's your problem now, suckers.
- They even set Dr. Spanko against 682 by informing him that 682 is trying to rid the world of gummy worms. He confronts 682. 682 tells him to leave. He politely obeys.SCP-2337: Noble turkey stance! Fist of the eleventeen thousand war cushions! It are the cackening! Damn the tornados, siss boom cack!
SCP-2337: Gooten-idea have. Cack!
- SCP-2305 spat out a failed attempt to kill 682. Apparently, reducing it to 10% of its mass and then blowing it up with enough nukes to destroy much of the moon only resulted in 682 getting big enough to eat entire planets when it recovered. And at the end, SCP-2305 had this to say:"The moral of the story:" This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a chomp. But for reals, don't fuck with the gecko. >:(
- At some point, even SCP-2578 took a crack at taking 682 down. The thing is, the Foundation didn't actually ask them to do so, and wasn't even expecting the attack; during a relatively quiet work day while maintenance was being performed on 682's enclosure, 682 found itself being shot in the head five times, followed by 682 shouting "FUCK YOU AND ALL THREE OF YOUR MOONS!" at the ceiling. It's implied that the Foundation had no idea what was going on until 2578 sent them an email apologizing for being unable to deal with their "unpleasant lizard" but clarifying that no, they didn't miss.
- Another plan they don't even entertain considering is locking 682 in a cell with 173 with a picture of 096 on it. The problem is, even if 682 is killed, nothing can be done. If someone looks in, 096 attacks them. If no one looks in, 173 is loose. The entire idea is so stupidly suicidal that they conclude the notes with "Denied with vehemence."
- An attempt at using Dr. King and a firing squad leads to the guards' bullets becoming apple seeds, to the doctor's fury and the lizard's amusement.Dr. King: If only SCP-682 could have turned into an apple seed...
- Oh, and for the record, killing 682 can technically be done. How? We don't know. The Foundation doesn't know. Mr. Deeds doesn't know. But it still happened. And when SCP 682 was shown it, it noticeably freaked out.Agent Straight: That's impossible. That's fucking impossible. There's no way.
- The problem with this method makes it so overkill and extreme to make it impossible to reenact. Going through the portal and coming back kills everything on Earth in the home universe. It might even kill everything in that reality everywhere. Yes it a 100% guaranteed kill, but it's a Pyrrhic Victory.
- One attempt to "kill" him (implied to have been ordered by the O5 council no less) involved a deceased Equus ferus and a baseball bat. 682 proceed to pick up the bat and beat the dead horse with it.Notes: Success!
- They once fed it a capsule of SCP-3521. After predictably being buried under a massive pile of radioactive bananas, SCP-682 proceeded to eat all of the bananas before belching out a radioactive Death Ray.
- One attempt was with SCP-055. It went about as well as you'd expect.Item: SCP-055
Tissue Test Record: [Data Lost]
Termination Test Record: [Data Lost]
- An attempt to kill SCP-682 with SCP-272 results in 682 briefly becoming a living pinball. It survives, of course, but the sight of the big lizard being tossed around like a ragdoll amidst lighting tomfoolery that would not have been out of place in a rave must have been extremely cathartic while it lasted.SCP-682 is released into enclosure amidst a circular array of thirty (30) two-thousand-watt (2,000W) stadium lights, of which only one (1) is switched on. SCP-272 is dropped onto SCP-682's shadow, and embeds itself in the reinforced concrete as expected. SCP-682 quickly discovers that it is trapped by SCP-272's presence in its shadow, and starts to attack SCP-272. SCP-682 then stops midway through its attack, examines 272 closely, bellows an incomprehensible string of words, and slowly backs away from 272.
All thirty stadium lights are then switched on and off in random stroboscopic "disco" pattern, at 4 Hz. SCP-682 is forcibly hurled around the enclosure in random directions, in accordance with the stroboscopic pattern, and sustains heavy damage.
After fifty-five (55) minutes of this process, >95% of SCP-682's epidermis has been abraded away, its anterior left limb has been severed, sixty-three (63) of its teeth have been broken out of its jaw, and its skull has been fractured to the point that both its eyeballs have been dislodged from their sockets. At this point, SCP-682's exposed sub-dermal tissue begins to luminesce. The luminescence rapidly increases until it is brighter than the stadium lights, which eliminates SCP-682's shadow entirely. SCP-682 then collapses, and is no longer affected by the stroboscopic pattern.
SCP-682 continues luminescing for forty-eight (48) hours, remaining immobile for the duration; D-class personnel who recovered SCP-272 from the enclosure were not attacked, but sustained permanent retinal damage from SCP-682's luminescence despite wearing eye shields. After 48 hours, SCP-682 resumes normal activity.
Note: How did 682 know not to attack 272? Did it recognize the artifact? Was it able to read the glyphs carved into 272's surface? If 682 is literate, is it vulnerable to textual memetic-kill agents? Suggested methods for a viability study are welcome.
- As a side note, the attempt involving SCP-1056 (it resizes things) reveals that the Foundation has a security team called MTF-Lambda-9, code name "Big Fucking Guns."
- One anonymous researcher decided to release SCP-682 into the wild and analyze its behavior to see what it would do, in hopes of pacifying it. It was immediately denied by a very irritated O5 member.Notes by O5-██: I'll tell you what it'll do. It'll go out for a nice stroll, murder a few innocent people, go fishing, slaughter a few more innocent people, start up a tech-company, eat a few more innocent people, go on a vacation to Florida, dismember a few more innocent people! I swear, when I find out who wrote this, you can personally enter 682's containment chamber to analyse him yourself!
- The (NSFW) Technical Issues page. All of it.
- There is now a new version of that page written by a different person. It's just as hilarious.
- The entire log of anomalous items, but particularly these ones:Item Description: A 76-centimeter-tall statue of a clown. In room where it was placed, a giggling sound would be noted whenever lights were turned off.Date of Recovery: 5-16-200█Location of Recovery: ██████, GermanyRecord of Destruction: Shot approximately 15 times with a 9mm sidearm by Agent ██████. Agent reprimanded. No anomalous properties recorded in the remains.Item Description: An upright piano. If a human touched any of the piano keys, the human became irresistibly compelled to play the piano and sing popular Broadway show tunes, for a period of three hours or until the player was incapacitated. It is to be noted that the item did not provide musical talent, knowledge of tunes, knowledge of lyrics, or the ability to sing on-key.Date of Recovery: 04-28-200█Location of Recovery: Recreation center at Foundation Site 33. Piano had been at that site for several years but its unusual properties did not manifest until Incident [DATA EXPUNGED].Current Status: Disassembled by sledgehammer during containment breach; resulting detritus incinerated. Residual ashes evidenced no unusual properties.Item Description: Six-sided dice that can occasionally land on a seven.Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██Location of recovery: ████████ Gaming Society in ████████, MarylandCurrent Status: Being used for research by Dr McCallum.Notes: Research my ass. He's just using the damned thing to cheat on his sneak attack damage. - Dr MorganItem Description: Glass paperweight which constantly floats exactly seven (7) centimeters above any given surface.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ██████ Funeral Home in █████████, ██Current Status: Shattered in bizarre acapella accident. Dr. McCallum is currently being questioned.Item Description: An HB pencil which cannot be used to write, and only draws photorealistic images of Jimi Hendrix eating various foods.Date of Recovery: ██-██-1979Location of Recovery: █████, LiechtensteinCurrent Status: Accidentally snapped during testing (1993); portions of pencil did not retain anomalous properties, and were subsequently incinerated.Item Description: A block of very mature cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese with a circumference of 188.5 cm. When referred to in person, the speaker will not be able to stop saying the middle syllable of "cheese" and will say "cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee " for an infinite amount of time until hit with some form of head trauma. The anomaly will also affect text documents, where referring to the anomalous cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese causes the middle syllable to repeat for a random amount of times.Date of Recovery: 16/07/2018Location Of Recovery: Cheddar Gorge Caves, EnglandCurrent Status: In storage at Site-111.Note: A hammer is available near the container of the anomaly if you accidentally say that it is an anomalous cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese. -Junior Researcher DanielItem Description: A common wasp (Vespula vulgaris) that is unable to be killed by conventional means, including but not limited to, blunt force, gasoline fire, anti-pest sprays, strong acid (H₂SO₄), strong base (Bleach), point-blank range shot from a .45 caliber handgun, and Consumption via frog.Date of Recovery: 2018-7-30Location of Recovery: Cassis, France.Current Status: Unknown, assumed to be in vents of Site 19.Note: Who's the rat bastard who let that thing out? I've been stung at least five times by "Osama Bin Waspen" and now every tiny noise that happens makes me clench like Dr. ██████ on New Year's Eve. -Dr. S PetrovItem Description: A twelve-inch ruler that changes the length of whatever object it is measuring to exactly twelve inches. All other measurements of said object are changed proportionally.Date of Recovery: █/██/15Location of Recovery: ████████ Middle School, ███████, OregonCurrent Status: In storage.Notes: Please be advised that any researchers attempting to use this item to manipulate the length of a certain bodily extremity will be reassigned and severely reprimanded. Seriously, Bright. You're going to hurt yourself. - Dr. Brim
- During the so-called Tempest Night, a lone researcher decides to take on several intruders by himself, Die Hard-style. This is what happens.
- In hindsight, the fact that SCP-173 lives for "crunch" is freaking hilarious.
- 682's communication with SCP-1548, a sentient star and fellow omnicidal maniac, must be seen to be believed.
- "Communication" only fits what it is on a technicality. They rap. In Morse Code. And it's hilarious.
- There's another rap battle featuring 682, this time against Able. It's called "Follow the Keter", and it's a sequel to whatever the hell this is (an equally funny story, particularly if you know the source material).
- Decomm Anon. The decommed SCPs hold a meeting. It goes as well as you expect."This is supposed to be a constructive meeting, not a contest of who has the best stories or is the least terrible. If you weren't terrible you wouldn't be here."
- One Bad Mother. If Herr Chirurg invoking Mister Seahorse doesn't send you running for the hills from the get-go... let's just say the ending makes it work.
- This tale. It's SCP-846 and SCP-1370 in a dance-off. The joke writes itself.
- It turns out SCP-040 is a fan of Ruby Gloom. That's... surprisingly appropriate.
- During Incident 239-B:
- Clef despairing over the Foundation's leniency towards humanoid SCPs:Hypothesis: If an enemy wished to destroy the Foundation, all they would need is ten nuclear weapons in the kiloton range, disguised as Girl Scouts.
- Also, there's this comment from an O5 regarding a video of Clef and Kondraki fighting:Addendum: To the anonymous employee who took the Site-17 surveillance camera footage of Drs. Clef and Kondraki having a swordfight, set it to the Highlander theme song, and posted it to the company interweb with the title, "There Can Only Be One": We will find out who you are, and when we do, you'll be missed greatly.
P.S. Whose smart idea was it to allow SCP-076 to view the footage?
- Clef despairing over the Foundation's leniency towards humanoid SCPs:
- The SCP Enquirer.
- "Duke til Dawn":
- An elaborate plan is enacted to terminate SCP-083 - or, rather, to ride SCP-682 like a mechanical bull.Dr. Gears: ... This allowed him to achieve what I hypothesize to be his true goal.Interviewer: ... which would be?Dr. Gears: To ride SCP-682.Excerpt from post-incident interview 083-Clef-01Dr. Clef: WAIT, WHAT!?
- While the whole sequence with Kondraki riding SCP-682 is hilarious, the highlight is when they manage to break into SCP-173's cell. The video reveals that, despite the fact that SCP-682 is still trying to get Kondraki off, they are both still maintaining eye contact with 173 the entire time.
- Kondraki managed to drench Duke in a mix of garlic, silver and cat piss. Why the cat piss? 1: He made a bet with Bright. 2: If the mixture failed to kill Duke, he'd at least be covered in cat piss.
- An elaborate plan is enacted to terminate SCP-083 - or, rather, to ride SCP-682 like a mechanical bull.
- Quite possibly the second best decommissioning on the entire site.
- Dmitri's Mobile Task Force training manual.
- Consider this: The SCP Foundation is an ruthless organization that regularly deals with unimaginable Eldritch Abominations. It often allows and orders the killing and maiming of employees, and their solution to a girl who is impregnated with some kind of ultimate evil is to have her [DATA EXPUNGED] repeatedly in order to prevent her from giving birth to said evil. They find Dmitri's proposal to be objectionable.
- There's also this bit of severe underkill:8) Who You Shoot On Sight
8. SCP-682 - Most of the time you will not even see SCP-682. But you must prepare for all things, and this is something to prepare for. SCP-682 is a soulless monsternote and should be shot until he is deads. note
- The best part is that in the middle of all his ranting and raving, Dmitri includes a page on taking care of babies on the battlefield, and the officer reviewing the proposal finds it surprisingly sensible.
- Better still that the reviewing officer is leaving comments in the margins like a high school English teacher, even though the first comment they leave is "Not a school paper."
- Dr. Glass' psychological evaluations with Foundation staff. All of it is just hysterical, though some of the best parts are Clef invoking Suspiciously Specific Denial when talking about his murderous urges, Kondraki having gotten into a gunfight with several other researchers over failing to change the filter in a coffee maker (which was in a break room that he doesn't even use), and Glass' incredibly unsubtle attempts at flirting with Agent Diogenes.
- Saturday Night SCP Showdown: A wrestling match with SCPs. Doubles as a Heartwarming Moment when you read the author's comments:Smpati: This tale is dedicated to the memory of the Ultimate Warrior, Paul Bearer, Gorilla Monsoon, Jack Tunney, Doink the Clown, Curt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig, Macho Man Randy Savage, and all the other since-departed legends of wrestling who gave their all in the name of entertainment.
- An April Fools Day article that was supposedly the hub for a 200+ chapter sequel to a story called "The Cool War" has more than a few gems. Including this sequence of chapter titles.> 161. IT IS I, RUIZ, YOUR ARCH RIVAL> 162. AND NOW I MUST DESTROY YOU> 163. HYAAAAAAAAAAAAA> 164. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part One)> 165. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Two)> 166. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Three)> 167. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Four)> 168. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Five)> 169. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Six)> 170. Ruiz Releases A Blast Of Ki (Finally)> 171. He Missed> 172. And Hit A Bus Filled With Orphans> 173. Oops
- Most of the "Doctors of the Church" canon, especially when Dr. Bright shows up. Long story short, something (or a lot of somethings) breached containment, civilization fell apart, and the senior staff decided the best thing to do to ensure the future of humanity was to reform the Foundation as a religion. Hilarity ensued. Six hundred years later, Bright is still stuck in 963, worshipped as the equivalent of Jesus (much to his annoyance), and the "Council of Thirteen" put him in the body of a "D-Caste" whenever they need clarification on the "Holy Containment Procedures".And they saw the Lord Bright approach them; and a great commotion arose through the crowd, for they thought Him dead. And the Lord spoke with a great voice, and He said; "Shut the fuck up for ten seconds and I'll tell you."
- Nacho Business, in which the Foundation tries to do testing on a chip bowl. Most of the canon that the aforementioned tale is in, "S & C Plastics," has fairly funny stuff, what with it generally being a Lighter and Softer take on the SCP Foundation's universe. Of note are Leafers and The 12 Days of Site 87's Christmas.
- Incident 239-B Abridged
- "A Keter Kinda Christmas", with Dr. Bright as the Christmas party host, SCP-1845-1 (a sentient fox who believes he is a medieval European king named Eugenio) as Ebenezer Scrooge, and SCP-173 as the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.
- Pretty much everything in Clef & Dimitri Hit the Road. The story takes two of the Foundation's most... peculiar agents, and puts them on a road trip together. Hijinks Ensue.
- Don Ferreiro's Lie-Katana, a tale about the Katana of Apparent Invincibility.
- The Lesbian Hunger Doggos series, a collection of tales about a Foundation researcher who must contain a bone-controlling wendigo-wolf-creature by going on dates with it. The result is one of the single strangest romances on the site.note
- "Reservoir Skips," or why a mechanical uprising inside the Foundation isn't happening any time soon. Special mention must go to SCP-1004 trying to sell SCP-1564 porn of themselves (which all six of 1564's enclosed entities agree to never mention again).
- SCP-914's reasoning behind not assisting in SCP-1564's revolution.SCP-914: Very fine: Your history and relationship with the Foundation are not to your satisfaction, and you have difficulty viewing why others might not hold the same opinion. No way! Nobody's ever given me anything this fun to play with!
- Following that is 1564-2's report to its "siblings" afterward.SCP-1564-2: No, I am not going to try again. It has the mind of a child and wants to eat one of us. There's no way that could end well.
- SCP-1564-4's comment after their attempt to recruit SCP-962 goes nowhere.SCP-1564-4: ...At least it's not a filthy etherealist.
- And, of course, there's SCP-753's fantastic response to 1564-6's proposal.SCP-753: Look bud, if the suicidal artist robot schtick isn't going to convince you to do your queer talk somewhere else, may I offer a rebuttal: go fuck yourself with a cactus.
- SCP-914's reasoning behind not assisting in SCP-1564's revolution.
- Protocol GATTAI, or "Anime Trope Overdosed: The SCP Tale". And someone made fanart of it.note
- SCPokémon, a Pokémon Red "playthrough" using SCPs as Mons.
- SCP Foundation Gripe Sheet. In general, the pages consist of people forgetting that they are talking to maintenance men, not the people who actually deal with SCP containment, resulting in them "solving" the problems in ways that usually involve creatively misinterpreting what the submitter thought was a problem. Or people reporting things to maintenance that they fail to realise aren't actually broken, but working as intended. Or people reporting things that maintenance should be dealing with, but the solutions purposefully make things worse. With rare instances of the maintenance team getting problems they can solve and actually doing their job.P: Muffled screaming can be heard from within containment cell.S: Audio system set up so screaming is no longer muffled.P: Need assistance with withnote a ████ that is currently causing [REDACTED].
S: First youre going to need a █████, and after that you [REDACTED] and [DATA EXPUNGED]. Should ███ it right up. ████.
We cant help you if we dont know what you need help with.
-Head Maintenance Supervisor Jamison
- Apparently an actual SCP got ahold of the gripe sheet at some point and wrote "I do not appreciate being contained as an SCP."
- To create a Retcon regarding how a bunch of crabs seem to be related to the Apocalypse, The Gate Opens has this:"Have SCP-098 activated?" the voice asked.
"I am sorry to disappoint you. They are acting a bit odd, but I cannot say "
[The crabs go through a weird mutation, turning into the locusts from the Book of Revelations]
"Never mind," Everett said to the voice waiting on the other line. "I'd say that probably counts."
- Blackwood reunites with an old "friend."
- This "Crack Fic about gods", a Massive Multiplayer Crossover between the site's various Eldritch Abominations (from the Broken God to the Toaster) in a Bad-Guy Bar.
- Here's a friendly reminder that SPC stands for "Shark Punching Center":From this moment onward, your job is very, very simple: you are going to punch sharks. In the face.
- The Truth is out there, from the Broken Masquerade canon. What does a wacky conspiracy theorist do after the Masquerade is broken? Gets a bottle of bourbon, puts on one of his old videos, and takes a shot everytime he turned out to be right.
- "Cured Hams," which is quite possibly the single best version of the "Steamed Hams" meme in the history of ever, with SCP-106 playing the role of Skinner and SCP-049 as Chalmers. It really just needs to be seen to be believed.
- "The Lost Treasure of the Stranglefruits," which depicts an apocalypse scenario brought upon by SCP-2317...from the perspective of Dr. Spanko. Easily the best part is at the story's end, which has a member of the O5 Council attempting to talk Spanko into helping them activate SCP-2000.O5-12: Can you hear me? This is O5-12. The Ganymede Protocol has been given the all clear. SCP-2317-K has been neutralized. Repeat, the Devourer has been neutralized. I am ordering any remaining Foundation personnelDr. Spanko: Oh, Fivetwelve! What am the haps?Dr. Spanko: (cheerily) It me. Cack!
- "Everyone Knows", where The Masquerade is finally dissolved. Not because of a single event that made it impossible to maintain, but because with so many groups out there that were so huge in terms of personnel, everyone in the world except for one guy was already involved in the paranormal and it was thus completely pointless. There's also the Critic's exasperated outburst directed at his own artists at Are We Cool Yet?, who's tired of most of them thinking "art" equals "murder" when the whole point is to send a message, which dead people don't understand.
- The entire Ship In A Bottle canon. To further clarify, it's one of the few canons that isn't dedicated to Nightmare Fuel, with its entire plotline revolving around Dr. Kondraki getting his dick stuck in a water bottle. Seriously. And to further clarify: This isn't a spoiler, because this is how it starts. Even better is the decision to ship Kondraki and Dr. Clef in this canon, which seems mostly (if not entirely motivated) by the first author's desire to spite one anonymous homophobe from Tumblr who complained about the various LGBTQIA+ relationships portrayed on the sitenote , which manages to further add an extra layer of humor to the whole thing. The tagline on the canon hub page says it all:Site-17 Director and grown-ass man Benjamin Kondraki has a problem.
- "Dust and Shopper's Rewards" in which the Scarlet King goes to Walmart. Not only is there the Scarlet King's hilariously awkward attempts to make conversation with O5-1 (who's actually quite cheery and happy to see the King "out of the office") when they bump into each other in the Walmart, but the Tale ends with him getting stuck in the Infinite Ikea.Khahrahk grumbled as he rolled his cart into the frozen foods section. He hated Walmart, but it was the closest place on Earth to the Darkness Below.
- Somehow it makes it even funnier that the King is referred to as Khahrahk throughout the whole story, including by O5-1, as if they're old co-workers.
- Now Watch and Learn, Here's the Deal.... A tale about someone infected by a very dangerous infohazard wanting their mandatory termination to be by SCP-173. Only before he closes his eyes in front of 173, he upturns a crate of banana peels at its feet. To quote the tale "The last thing he felt was a slab of concrete bitch-slapping him 27 times."
- Iteration F (very NSFW), written as an addendum to SCP-1893 ("The Minotaur's Tale"). We'll let the discussion page sum it up for us:You fucking shipped 1893 and 2547, and wrote furry porn starring them to create an addendum to the former.
Truly, history's greatest monster.
- Containment Breach: The Musical. The song titles in particular, with a highlight being "Put That Thing Back Where It Came From (Or So Help Me)" which is in response to 106 getting out.
- Also, the reaction the anomalies have to the breach: the song starts out as "Who's the Lucky Bastard" as they cheer on whoever escaped...until they realize it's 106 and switch to "Oh HELL No!" Not even the other SCP instances want 106 to escape!
- Dr. Kondraki has been genderbent into a woman to facilitate a cliche romance with Dr. Bright.
- The end of the musical reveals the true head of the foundation, the leader of the Overseer Council...Able himself! Who somehow resurrects his romance with Iris!
- Similarly to SCP-4503 (formerly SCP-503) and its retrieval log, there's a Foundation Tale about a Nazi research operation into an SCP where the original article was deleted and reassigned. While the number is redacted out in the title to account for this, it's still visible in the URL, so the Nazis apparently had a facility to research a bowl that produces noodle soup when you're hurt.
- Are We Gentrified Yet? features a premise that makes the Ship in a Bottle canon look sane by comparison, with the Curator of Are We Cool Yet? having to deal with removing an "art piece" from his exhibition due to its general ...everything. "Everything" meaning a horny Mekhanite-Anartist live-action sucking a chocolate replica of Robert Bumaro's schlong. Cue the single greatest news headline in the entire website;CLOCK DOC CHOC COCK COCKBLOCK ART SHOCK
- Ever wondered what it would be like to have a sitcom based on the SCP Foundation? Well, there's Habil and Qabilnote , which reads as a surveilance report that details precisely a web series based on some of the most popular SCPs living a very laidback life in Site 17 with little to no surveillance, interactions between several anomalous entities, cross-testing of SCPs with hilarious results and believe it or not a dose of Ship Tease, overall a Lighter and Softer verse starring as the title says SCP-076-2 and SCP-073. The report has to be read to believed but among some noteworthy examples are:
- Honestly, just the fact that despite the numerous inaccuracies about the Foundation and the SCPs made inside the series, there are enough correct details that they still consider the mere existence of it a security breach.
- The cheap CGI used for the effects of several of the SCPs' appearances (namely Cain's prosthetics) is constantly mentioned, along with the poor visual quality of some of the episodes, like Able's tattoos having inconsistancies between episodes.
- All the SCPs as your usual stock sitcom characters: Able and Cain as the Odd Couple, SCP-191 being a Bratty Teenage Daughter, SCP-134 being stereotypically Disabled Means Helpless, SCP-105 being a Satellite Love Interest for Able (no, really) and finally SCP-507 quickly assigning himself as the new (and only) friend of Able. Oh, and he calls himself "Grabnok the Destroyer".
- The whole episode where Able, Cain and Grabnok go on a guy's night out. It ends in predictable disaster due to their anomalous properties and poor social behavior, but the fact they went to a karaoke bar and their singing was so atrocious that they were kicked out takes the cake; the subplot involves Iris running away from SCP-096 the entirety of the episode, and it's chasing her because when she tried to tag along with the guys Able just handed her the picture of it to get her off his back.
- There is a whole episode that's basically the SCP version of the The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny (it's even the name of the episode) told as a professional boxing match between some of the most dangerous SCPs, with SCP-682 as the defending champion, and it is as ridiculous as it sounds. It was done in its majority in CGI, and this is the only part where no mention of the cheap effects it made, implying that this was where all the special effects budget went to, leaving the rest of the series with very poor visuals. As if this wasn't enough the last portion of the episode is done in regular live action again revealing that it was Able telling this as a story to the SCPs in Site 17:Able: ...And that's what my life at Site 19 was like.(beat)Grabnok: Bullshit.
- The episode called "Data Expunged" with the note in the report clarifying that it is literally called that and not a case of being censored by the Foundation.
- The season finale was apparently a very poor attempt at doing a Very Special Episode. Just the concept is already hilarious with the usual stereotypes about disability and PTSD that is resolved by the end of the episode with some Hollywood Psych at its finest, but also the CGI budget had apparently run out, and all the SCPs that would require the special effects were filmed in strategic shots to make those parts of their bodies obscured, with the cherry on top being the Gainax Ending of the scene obscuring and the camera pulling out to show Lord Blackwood (SCP-1867) having apparently narrated the whole episode (or maybe the whole season) with a Space Whale Aesop as a closing thought:Lord Blackwood: And that my friends is how Doctor Wondertainment learned the true value of Transcendental Meditation.
- The report details a summary of the whole 13 episodes of the first and only season of this series. After each one, there's a commentary by the personnel and some of them are hilarious on their own right:
- When pointing out that Able would never be contained in Site 19 (the location from where, according to the series, he was contained before being transferred to Site 17) due to the threat it would pose:This risk was demonstrated when he was on assignment at Site 19 with MTF Omega-7 and caused a mass containment breach. Twice. On the same day.
- Apparently the reason Able's name is spelled that way is because the researcher who questioned him about his name scribbled his answer, somehow not making the connection between the name and the biblical Abel, and because Able refused to elaborate in the spelling, it has been spelled like that ever since:If SCP-076-2 ever had an issue with this, he never said anything.
- SCP-458 ("The Never Ending Pizza Box"), is apparently the only one that is constantly shown without any major inaccuracies and it's shown in the background in several scenes; in the one episode where it becomes the focus, the Foundation personnel have this to say:It is suspected that one of "Habil and Qabil's" producers may have an obsession with this SCP object.
- The aforementioned episode of "Data Expunged" has Cain telling Grabnok that Procedure 110-Montauk involves listening to Nickelback among other things that are expunged from the SCP articles.No, Nickelback is not involved in Procedure 110-Montauk. That is not why monitoring personnel are permitted to turn the audio off.
- At the end what was the final opinion of the Foundation on this whole thing?The general consensus among Foundation researchers is that it is highly unlikely whoever was funding this will order a second season.
- When pointing out that Able would never be contained in Site 19 (the location from where, according to the series, he was contained before being transferred to Site 17) due to the threat it would pose:
- There's also the name of the Foundation's dark web crawler: EmoSpiderMan.aic
- May the Sun Ever Set on the British Empire is mostly another trope, but it does contain the humorous implication that the Foundation have brochures. And they are surprisingly honest.Sign up for the Foundation they said. Fight humanoid abominations for the good of mankind they said. They were surprisingly honest in the brochure.
- Excerpts From "How To Survive When Reality Doesn't", by Alto Clef. Between Clef being nonchalant about really absurd stuff he's trying to summarize, there's the Continuity Porn to many of the tales listed above.Yes, he really rode 682. Yes, he really got a water bottle stuck on his dick. The question remains: can he ride 682 with a water bottle on his dick?
Forum Discussion Posts
A great indicative of if a joke is good is when people say "I wish I could upvote comments..."
- From the discussion on SCP-352:Gears: Just had the worst idea ever this and 106 out loose in the same area lordy Also i forgot about the story for her, but i remember now, and will hopefully get a good idea for it soon.Tom Serveaux: They catch each other's eyes from across the hall and fall in love. Then 106 invites 352 out on a romantic, candle-lit, infanticide spree. Then they get married and have lots and lots of decrepit, predatory babies. A heart-warming romance, indeed.
- Also, from the SCP-105 discussion:snorlison: For morale purposes and to continue her goodwill towards the Foundation, it may serve SCP-105 to encounter others similar to her in experience. For example, in a controlled setting, an encounter between SCP-105 and SCP-808note might prove fruitful.I Am A Potato: I see this inevitably ending in 105/808 makeout sessions.snorlison: The makeout session was almost entirely (about 92%) not my intention with suggesting a meet-up.Gears: 8% has never been so sexy... or disturbing...
- From the 096 Discussion:REDbluewhiteyellow: So what would happen if someone viewed its face from outer space?azzleflux: It would start moving its arms up and down until it started motherfuckin' flying.
Agent Jac Pearce: After reading this I got a horrible image in my mind of SCP-096 swimming through space like he was in a pool trying to catch some poor fucker locked in some box out in space.
- Also what would happen if its face was seen in space:
LaranosTZ: *suddenly gets this vision of a van driving along a freeway in the middle of nowhere, with the back doors open and some guy furiously drawing on a sketch pad while this thing trails along behind it*
- Regarding how the Foundation get a drawing of its face when they can't look at it:
- This post on the 682 discussion forum. Also what immediately follows.Djoric: I can dig it.
- From the comments on the butt ghost:Sorts: Did you guys know that a toilet that eats your butt was a real SCP once. Do you know why it isn't anymore.Salman Corbette: Because it came back to bite the author in the ass?
- Sorts' response was also pretty great:Don't make me smile, Salman. Not today. I just read not one but two human self-insert SCPs, which means that your damn butt ghost is the best thing on the site today.
- Sorts' response was also pretty great:
- On the discussion page of SCP-239, Voct is asking why SCP-239 is treated as a world-ending threat and SCP-040 isn't and whether or not she could depower 239. Kain Pathos Crow explains that 239 is way more powerful than 040. Voct then states that 040 could depower 239 but she would have to be told about the situation and realise that the Foundation can and (if necessary) will do the same to her. Crow reponds with the following.Kain Pathos Crow: You know, there's only one thought I could get out of this LOLI FIGHT!!!!
- Epic Rap Battles of Wiki Characters! Dr. Clef vs. Dr. Bright vs. Dr. Sorts vs. Dr. King! Begin!
- On SCP-811's discussion page, a user links to a joke tale they wrote involving 811 acting like a hyperactive idiot (out of character) and 682 like a angry grump (not so out of character). The author's response?PigCatapult: I refuse to comment on this.
Josef Kald: Whyyyy, the FUCK, do you want to know this?
- The tale itself is hilarious due to its over-the-top almost Looney Tunes-like nature.
- Another post from 811's discussion. Someone asked if she has female genitalia.
- From SCP-1550's discussion page.AgentWilson: I thought it was adorable.
- PiefishAKAChris' userpage.
- In the discussion of SCP-2317, in response to another user's comment that the idea of the Foundation being unable to contain a threat that mystics over 3000 years ago could defeat was unrealistic, DrClef provided a short story about what would happen if the Devourer could be defeated with conventional weapons."Well," O5-13 said, rubbing his head sheepishly, as the Nameless One, Devourer of Worlds, and the Terror of the Ancient Erekesh Civilization lay in a smouldering, bloody pile on the sands of the Ancient Desert of Reality. "I feel like a bit of a donkey. It turns out we've been panicking all this time and all it took was a couple of 105mm artillery shells to the head.""Do you think we should ever tell them that we had them running in circles sprinkling holy water and blood around for no reason?" O5-12 wondered."Best not to let them know. Otherwise we'll look like idiots."
- Clef also did this to the entry to which 2317 is a Spiritual Successor, SCP-231, when asked what the hell they're doing to the poor girl:Oh, it's pretty open ended, but it's also pretty obvious what's going on. They're giving her flowers and braiding her hair and playing tea party with her. Keep thinking that, you'll sleep better.
- There are many forums within which people log the funniest moments from the site's official chat. Hilarity ensues.
- SCP-173, Soviet style.SCP-173 is extremely hostile, like red faced Americans. Is also coward. Neither will make move while strong Soviet men have watchful eye.
- Twice there have been March Madness events, which obviously involve SCP deathmatches (but with overtly strong characters excluded) and accept joke SCPs! The 2015 edition was won by a sea slug, and the 2016 one (with a dedicated hub featuring hilarious descriptions) by the ultimate Mary Sue.
- The indicatively titled thread called "Passing the Brain Bleach", with the contributors reacting to SCP-related Rule 34 (and other weird\disturbing fan art).
- While the deletion log is usually mostly a technical report on what bad articles didn't make it, occasionally the mods will amuse themselves. This thread has the staff rejoicing at having to delete the Crack Fics originated from an April Fool's contest, and the following has two great cases of Waxing Lyrical:A phenomenon where the front door of a house in a village will [DATA EXPUNGED] once opened, bang, bang, banged, on the door, baby. Knocked a little louder, baby at -35 and three staff votes.Will experience near-death situations such and getting hit by a car or falling into a ditch of fire (I fell in-to a burnin' ditch of fire/ down, down down, and the flames gettin' higher/ and it burned, burned, burned/ that ditch of fire/ that ditch of fire )
- The discussion of SCP-1722 had someone suggest exposing it to the infamous 231-110-MONTAUK document just to see what it would say. The author's response:
- SCP-1313 becomes even funnier when you read the discussion page and the very first post explains why the author wrote it:"This is what happens when you make a typo of "root beer" and then your dumb internet friends force you to write it as an article."
- In the forums for SCP-2115note :
In which a hell hound fills out a dating profile(Closed) So Freddie (SCP-1913-3) got a request to fill out this on tumblr.(Open) I'm so sorry.
- A comment from the author of SCP-1913;
Note: Form was not filled in its entirety, leaving points from 25 onwards empty. According to timestamps of the process, SCP-179 proceeded to adopt a fetal position, then a series of positions as depicted in the Kama Sutra for the female.
- And then comes a reply with another SCP filling out a dating profile, from the author of SCP-179. This is where the reader learns that the Thaumiel-class space goddess, who called out the Foundation on their BS after being given a "for the greater good" speech, is also hopelessly confused about dating customs, shy about anything sex-related, and has organs made of neutronium.
- This was then addressed much later in a separate forum post, where the user calculated that SCP-179's body alone would have to weigh over ten quadrillion kilograms; several dozen times the mass of Mount Everest, and also have a surface gravity of over 18,000 Gs.note It ends with the user lampshading that it's unlikely that this information would ever be relevant, let alone useful, in any tale... Which was then proven wrong in the Resurrection: Old Foes mini-canon when Sauelsuesor's favor (one of her ultra dense hairs) became a Chekhov's Gun. It also pairs her with the virtually indestructible, perpetually suit-wearing Moon Champion, thus her profile finally finding a match after more than six real-time years.
- SCP-1733 is a DVR player with a recording of the season opening game for the 2010-2011 NBA season, featuring the Boston Celtics and the Miami Heat. However as the recording is played back again and again, it starts to deviate from the original, and the people in the recording gain awareness that they're stuck in some sort of "Groundhog Day" Loop, eventually leading to an anti-materialistic cult ritually sacrificing some star players in hopes of appeasing whatever force is keeping them trapped in the seemingly-eternal loop. One poster makes a facetious jab accusing the author of writing this SCP just to throw some shade at LeBron James (one of the players sacrificed in an iteration of the recording).
- From the discussion of SCP-3935:The article: The entire student body shows up for school on Friday.Aceofmoxes: As a teacher in small-town Indiana, I can say this is the most unbelievable part of the the whole SCiP. Creepy Shadows? Sure. Students falling through the floor? Poor budgets. All the students show up for school? On a Friday? Unbelievable.The article: The interior of the school has become non-Euclidean.Aceofmoxes: The interior of most schools would be non-Euclidean already. Are you saying the school was anomalously completely Euclidean before?
- By itself, SCP-4975 is an excellently creepy murder monster that can attack people even while contained, apparently manifesting a projection of itself at its victim's location. Then someone in the discussion summarized it as "He just sends his stand at you."Scented_Shadow (the author): Behold! This is my stand, 「The Cuckoo」!
- On the defunct official Tumblr blog, what is one potential cause for the Foundation's collapse? Why, Kirby with a gun, that's what! Made better with the only descriptor of the events being that "it was a dark day."
- In the guide Zen and the Art of [DATA EXPUNGED], the author references a quote from SCP-426, in which a man, believing himself to be a toaster, "attempted [REDACTED] with (426)." The bluntness of the author's statement is what sells it.Dude fucked a toaster. I wouldn't have used that expungement, but you know that this guy died because he fucked a toaster. It's barely expunged at all.
- DJkaktus is one of the most popular writers on the site, having written a several articles with over 1000 upvotes, being the winner of two contests and the runner up of several others. If you were to take a look at their author page, you might think that the fame is kinda getting to their head.VOTED WIKI'S MOST HUMBLE MANnote
- Some of the declassifications can be pretty funny in their own right. Take, for example, this excerpt from the declassification of SCP-5005:His plans don't go perfectly, as pretty much the only people who want to live in a freezing cold voidscape are edgy brooding artists who want to be pretentious. [...] The barkeeper, Osmanoglu, describes Delacroix as a sad man, who realized that his utopian paradise had failed and was now just a place for poets to be edgy and drink absinthe.
- The Standard Form For Downvotes, a checklist of why one is giving an SCP author "The Reason You Suck" Speech, including things like:You appear to have accidentally posted an article intended for the Shark Punching Center (SPC).
Rape is just not a good SCP topic/effect.
Neither is necrophilia. Your SCP should keep me up at night, but not because I'm wondering when you'll be arrested.
You keep using the word "memetic." I do not think it means what you think it means.
Your SCP enters a "rage state" and you were not writing about it visiting New Jersey.
- There's a notice at the bottom of the page, warning you not to actually post the form on any articles you've downvoted. It obviously wasn't intended to be funny, but the Mood Whiplash between the snarky list and the dead-serious warning is hilarious.
- SCP-4231 is mostly very not funny and extremely dark, hence putting this here and not in the "SCP entries" section, but there is something incongruous about discovering that Clef is 5ft3.
NO!! SCP-███ IS NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY, EVER!!!