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Now here's something you don't see every day on this station.note 
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    Season 1 

The Emissary

  • Trying to beam Odo back hits a few snags, given O'Brien's unfamiliarity operating Cardassian technology. Giving in to his frustration, O'Brien kicks the console. That gets it to work.
  • The "oh shit, how do I explain this" look on Sisko's face after the Prophets ask him what time is.
  • Sisko loves baseball, but apparently finds it harder to explain to the Prophets than time.
  • Sisko goes back to meeting Jennifer for the first time, and after awkward attempts to explain, he endearingly shoves the lemonade at her.

Past Prologue

  • Bashir telling everyone in Ops about his first encounter with Garak, especially suggesting that O'Brien put a Tracking Device on him in case something happens to him, assuring Sisko that he won't reveal any Federation secrets, etc.
  • Bashir and Garak's first encounter alone, which could really be called a Speed Date. Garak gets very chummy with the good doctor in the space of a few minutes... and there's no way to tell if Garak is legitimately flirting with Julian or just trying to (metaphorically) screw with his head. Given that he's a Cardassian, and more to the point, Garak, it was likely both.


  • Quark desperately trying to get his money back from a Dabo player, while pretending to be stricken with the virus.
  • Quark later admitting to Odo he only ever saw the transport process done instead of ever doing it himself, right when he’s about to transport Odo who reacts horrified.
    Quark: ENERGIZING!
  • When Odo catches Quark using the replicators in an abandoned quarters on the crew level, Quark asks Odo how he caught him. Odo says he didn't believe Quark's story about Rom fixing the replicator, since Rom is an idiot. (In later seasons Rom ended up working for Chief O'Brien, and was one of the brightest members of the engineering crew.)
  • Although the situation was serious, it was kind of funny hearing the infected crew saying nonsensical statements like "Frosted Wake" and "Replay Morning".

Captive Pursuits

  • When O'Brien takes Tosk to Quark's, he introduces the Ferengi as someone who exploit his every vice. Tosk apologizes to Quark, saying that he has no vices to exploit. Quark happily declares Tosk a challenge.


  • Although also a Moment of Awesome, it was also hysterically funny: Q shows up for the first (and only) time on Deep Space 9. And Sisko promptly sucker-punches him.
    Q (flat on the floor): You hit me! Picard never hit me!
    Sisko: I'm not Picard.
    • Right after hitting him, Sisko has the best "you better recognize" face.
    • The way it starts is hilarious as well:
      Q: [with amazing handlebar mustache] Marquess of Queensberry Rules...
      Sisko: [high-pitched, incredulous] What?!
      * Q hits Sisko*
      Quark: I'll wager 5 bars of latinum on Sisko.
      Vash: You're on!
    • Q exclaiming, "Fisticuffs! Pugilism!" during the fight.
    • And from the blooper reel:
      Sisko: Bring them back, Q! Now!
      Q: Or what, you'll ravish me? (realizes he was supposed to say "thrash me") No, it's not "ravish", I'm sorry.
      Sisko: (softly) I might...
  • Earlier, when Vash is first visited by Q on the station, she instantly starts arguing with him while unpacking her bags. Q responds by teleporting her filled bag back into her arms over and over, until Vash gets so fed up that she throws the bag at Q's head.
    • Then, they start arguing about each other's poor track records, which leads to this:
      Vash: You're the one who almost got me killed on Erriakang VII. And they weren't exactly thrilled to see you on Brax either. What did they call you, "the god of lies"?
      Q: They meant it affectionately.
      • Then Quark happens to open the door, and before he can react, Q loudly tells him to go away (and teleports him away to make sure).
  • It's the delivery of Q's line here that really sells it; instead of being boastful, he's nonplussed, and just making a statement of literal fact.
    Vash: It's over, Q! I want you out of my life! You're arrogant, you're overbearing, and you think you know everything!
    Q: But... I do know everything.
    Vash: That makes it even worse.
  • Odo remarks that he can't understand the obsession with gathering material possessions. Quark starts listing off various luxurious items, trying to find something Odo would like. Odo dismisses each out of hand, until Quark suggests a Latinum-lined bucket to sleep in.


  • Something about Kira's delivery of this line (and corresponding facial expression) in reference to the attempted kidnapping of Jadzia, is hilarious. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that eight episodes into the series, and the viewer already knows that it's NOT a good idea to annoy Major Kira.
    Kira: You Klaestrons are allies of the Cardassians; your knowledge of the station confirms that they must have given you the layouts. Which not only compromises Bajoran security, but also... annoys us.
  • Someone suggests, completely seriously, that they make the symbiont testify.
  • The judge's snarks towards just about everybody during the hearing. Her opening line was basically "I have no patience and I'm old as dirt."
    • Then there’s when she suggests the easy solution - cut out the symbiont, ship it to Klaestron, keep the humanoid on the station. When told it wouldn’t be possible, the judge’s response amounts to “yeah, why am I not surprised?”

The Passenger

Move Along Home

  • Sisko's not happy to learn that everything Jake "knows" about women came from Nog. He immediately makes plans to do Damage Control.
  • The Wadi come to DS9 for an official First Contact — and the first thing they want to do is go to Quark's and play games.
    Sisko: First contact is not what it used to be.
  • The look on Kira's face when she's forced to play hopscotch while singing a nursery rhyme to proceed through the maze.
    • Speaking of the hopscotch scene, Avery Brooks has a lovely singing voice.
      • His singing voice shows up again in the seventh season where he duets with Odo, which is just awkward and absurd enough to be hilarious.
    • Dax and Bashir sound like they're reciting a formula, Kira has an "I want to kill something" tone, while Sisko has apparently decided to just roll with it.
    • Fridge Brilliance: Sisko is likely quite familiar with children's rhymes, being a parent.
      • More fridge brilliance: Dax and Bashir sound like they're reciting a formula because they're scientists.
  • Falow and Odo's reactions to Quark having a hysterical screaming breakdown down to falling to his knees when he believes the game is killing the trapped crew and is told to sacrifice one of the pawns.
  • When Kira defies Sisko's command to leave him and Jadzia behind. It goes from dramatic to snarky to silly, very quickly.
    Sisko: I gave you a direct order!
    Kira: Court-martial me.
    Sisko: I can't, you're not in Starfleet.
    Dax: If I were your superior officer, I'd court-martial you both!

The Nagus

  • There's a moment in "The Nagus" where Jadzia encourages Sisko to go find Jake, who's late for the dinner he has on the table. After Benjamin leaves, Dax just ladles out a bowl of stew and starts eating it like getting him out of the way of dinner was the plan all along.
    • Knowing Dax, it probably was.
  • In that same episode, the whole scene-wide homage to The Godfather. Down to Don Quark stroking a pet in his lap.
    • At one point, the production crew apparently even looped in the actual music for the scene, though as they didn't secure the licensing rights, the scene was never released with it.
  • When O'Brien asks Nog to show him his report on ethics.
    Nog: I don't have it. My pad was... stolen.
    O'Brien: Stolen? How?
    Nog: Well, I left it on the table and there were some Vulcans nearby and—
    O'Brien: Hold on. So you're saying... Vulcans stole your homework?
    Nog: Yes, sir. Ask Jake. He was there.
    O'Brien: Jake, did it happen?
    Jake: I guess so.
    O'Brien: You guess so?
    Nog: Go on.
    Jake: Yes, I was there.
    O'Brien: Now, why would Vulcans steal your homework?
    Nog: Because... they don't have ethics?
    (several other students giggle)

Battle Lines

  • Kira's outraged reaction to the Cardassian prefect's very minor file on her.
    • At least by the time of "Ties of Blood and Water" she has an entire section in the Cardassian Central Archives. One wonders how much of her coverage was inspired by Dukat's obsession with her, how much was inspired by her dating Bareil and Shakaar (two very important members of the Bajoran religious and civilian leaderships, respectively), and how much was inspired by Ghemor giving her more attention in the press.

The Storyteller

  • Quark makes the mistake of calling Varis "little lady" as he gives her a drink. She promptly throws it into his face before storming out. Not missing a beat, Quark announces, "I'm still charging her for the drink."
  • Nog plays a prank on Jake, Odo, and Varis by convincing Jake and Varis to help him steal Odo's bucket, which he'd secretly filled with oatmeal prior, and then spilling the oatmeal on Jake. Odo then punishes the boys at the end of the episode by making them clean his office.
  • O'Brien's awkward attempts at being the Storyteller.
    O'Brien: Once upon a time... uh... there was a Dal'roq!


  • Kira's whole interaction with Mullibok is one long string of funny moments (largely at her expense), but she gets one wonderfully understated moment of her own when the old Bajoran is telling her his life story.
    Mullibok: So, once again, starvation and I were staring each other in the face. Uh... I'm not boring you?
    Kira: [shakes her head] No, no not at all. I want to hear who won.
  • Several from the subplot about Jake and Nog:
    • Not even O'Brien, the chief engineer, knows what a "self-sealing stem bolt" is for.
    • Jake and Nog pretend to be businessmen and call themselves the "No-Jay Consortium".
    • When Jake and Nog are given some land, Nog is unhappy about this and says that land is basically just dirt.

If Wishes Were Horses

  • Odo and the bird in the Promenade during "If Wishes Were Horses". "This isn't a show!" Also, when he warns the customers at Quark's to refrain from using their imaginations... leading to Quark rebuking him for having no imagination himself... which leads to Odo "imagining" Quark into a cell—with a very satisfied smirk.
  • One of the imaginings was a lusty version of Dax, conjured up by Bashir. This led to some funny moments.
    • When the imagined creatures are wondering why people would dream them up, the fake Dax says this.
      Fake Dax: Why would mine imagine up a woman and reject her?
    • When Bashir and the real Dax were talking about it.
      Real Dax: She really is submissive, isn't she? Is that how you want me to be, Julian? So submissive?
      Fake Dax: I am not submissive! (to Bashir) Am I?
      Bashir: (stammering) Uh, no...I don't think so.
      Fake Dax: I'm just not the cold fish you are.
      Real Dax: "Cold fish"?
  • One of the creatures imagined up was Rumpelstiltskin, who's complaining about how everyone knows his name now.

The Forsaken

  • Odo's panicky reactions to Lwaxana Troi's flirtations. And Sisko’s loving it:
    Odo: She seems... interested in me!
    Sisko: (Grinning) So she's after you, eh?
    • Odo refuses the idea of romance.
      Odo: Frankly, in my humble opinion, most of you humanoids spend far too much time on your respective mating rituals.
      Sisko: It does help the procreation of one's species.
      Odo: Procreation does not require changing how you smell, or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection.
    • Sisko just can't help loving how rattled this is making Odo.
      Sisko: Constable, you can handle thieves and killers, but not one Betazoid woman?
      Odo: I understand thieves and killers. I don't understand… her!
    • Lwaxana tells Odo how she got a holosuite deal from Quark. Odo clearly vows to never set foot in the bar again.
      Odo: You told Quark you were going to a holosuite with me?
      Lwaxana: Well, of course. He's preparing a special picnic basket for us!
      Odo: Good lord...
    • Culminating in the moment when Odo and Lwaxana realize they're stuck in a lift:
      Lwaxana Troi: Well! Alone at last...!
      (Odo gives an Oh, Crap! look for the ages.)
    • Shortly before the above, Odo trying to turn down her offer of a picnic on the grounds that (among other things) he doesn't eat:
      Odo: Every sixteen hours, I turn into a LIQUID!
      Lwaxana: (Beat; shrugs) I can swim.
      • What makes Lwaxana's line even funnier is it can be seen as a dirty joke. Leave it to Lwaxana Troi to see the Power Perversion Potential in Odo's shapeshifting abilities!
    • Lwaxana is going on and on (and on) about a former lover of hers as Odo looks around.
      Lwaxana: What are you doing?
      Odo: Uh, nothing. I was just wondering how many volts are in that exposed circuit...
    • Meanwhile Bashir suffers having to chaperone a trio of stereotypical "Ass" in Ambassador types, finally whining to Sisko, who’s admittedly taking a "perverse pleasure" in the whole thing.
      Sisko: You never know just when the right ambassador will be along to help your career.
      Bashir: Another hour with them could DESTROY my career!
      • A moment later, when Sisko says he should just "keep them happy", Bashir finally loses it:
        "NOTHING MAKES THEM HAPPY! They are dedicated to being unhappy and spreading their un-happiness wherever they go!—They ARE... The AMBSSADORS OF UNHAPPY!!!"
  • Odo revealing that he used to entertain people at parties by shape-shifting into whatever people wanted, but he hates it.

Dramatis Personae

  • After getting tossed over the bar by Kira, Quark wanders into Odo's office wearing a massive neck brace. Odo does a priceless double-take.
    Odo: Is this some sort of Ferengi fashion statement?
  • Also, the conversation they have before Kira throttles Quark.
    Quark: "What can I do for you, Major?"
    Kira: "Get lost?"


  • In the otherwise-serious "Duet", there's this exchange between Odo and Dukat when they're talking over subspace.
    Dukat: I do miss working with you, Odo. I miss our games of Kalevian Montar.
    Odo: As I recall, Gul Dukat, we played one game, and you cheated.
  • Also the completely deadpan answers Marritza gives Kira during his initial interrogation.
    Kira: You know I never heard of a filing clerk becoming an instructor at a military academy.
    Marritza: Until now.
    Kira: What did you teach?

In The Hands Of The Prophets

  • Odo's Deadpan Snarker commentary about the episode's murder victim, who was killed before being placed in a plasma conduit to destroy the body. Turns out he'd been going to Runabout Pad C, not to the conduit, defying the assumption that he'd been on a repair job.
    O'Brien: A runabout? What was he doing in a runabout at four in the morning?
    Odo: Apparently, he was getting murdered.
  • There's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment when Vedek Winn and Vedek Bareil meet. When Winn reaches to grab Bareil's ears, he grabs her hand and smiling as he does it.
    • It's in fact a Brick Joke, as earlier, when Sisko spoke with Bareil, they'd commiserated on how neither of them like the habit of many of the Bajoran clergy to grab the ears of someone as a greeting, to sense their pagh or spirit.

    Season 2 

The Homecoming

  • Quark momentarily helping Odo by selling out one of his enemies. As he explains to Rom, "every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemy."
  • After Quark gets branded by the Circle, Sisko and co. pay him a visit, which results in a tense conversation about the state of the Bajoran provisional government. When Quark begins to say he intends to sue the government for financial compensation, Sisko cuts him off with an amazingly curt dismissal. It's totally sudden, but it couldn't have been said better.
  • When Quark enters Kira's quarters to show her the earring, we get this.
    Quark: I've always wondered what your quarters look like.
    Kira: That better not be your only reason for being here.
    Quark: You don't entertain much, do you?
    Kira: I entertain a lot. I just don't entertain you.
    Quark: Let me guess, the bedroom.
    Kira: You take one step in here and I'll promise you it'll be your last.
    Quark: It could be worth it.
    Kira: You have five seconds to tell me what you want.
    Quark: Aren't you going to offer me a beverage?
    Kira: Five, four—
    Quark: Can we at least sit down?
    Kira: (pushing him out) Three, two, one.
  • This line from Sisko. note 
    Sisko: In other words, they're unwilling to risk going to war with Cardassia over an earring. I can't say I blame them.

The Circle

  • When everyone starts entering Kira's room while she's packing to leave the station. More and more people keep entering, Kira keeps getting more agitated, conversations get mixed up and Quark mistakes it all for a party.
    Bashir: Will someone please explain this conversation to me?
    • When Quark enters, Odo has an utterly priceless "oh, dear God" eye roll. And then Quark makes it clear he's hoping giving Kira a special drink will win her over.
      Kira: Is this a joke? Did you plan this?!
      Bashir: Nobody could have planned this...
    • And then Vedek Bareil walks in and wonders if he picked a bad time.
  • Quark expressing his panic about the Circle to Odo. "We got to leave! Well, I do, anyway. You can just turn into a couch."
  • Odo declares it's time to work on this.
    Odo: Quark, I hate to do this...
    Quark: That's not fair!
    Odo: I haven't done anything yet!
    Quark: Whatever you're going to do is not fair!
  • Quark's reaction to being deputized and he and Odo a team? Hysterical laughter.

The Siege

  • Quark reveals he plans on fleecing people trying to get off the station. Rom reacts appropriately.
    Quark: Do you think I would sell you out, my own brother, just for the sake of profit?
    (Beat, before Rom nods)
    Quark: It would have to be the deal of a lifetime.
    Rom: Yes! My lifetime!
    • And then, after the runabouts leave, Quark shows up at the docking ring carrying a suitcase full of latinum... only for Bashir to tell Sisko that Quark wasn't on the passenger manifest. Turns out Rom had his ticket, and used it to bring along one of the Dabo girls.
  • O'Brien waxes lyrical about the combat rations. Sisko's response is to tap his combadge and say deadpan, "Sisko to all units. You can thank Chief of Operations Miles O'Brien for your repast this afternoon."
  • Jadzia's sarcastic assessment of the broken-down old fighters. "Hooray, seat-of-the-pants technology."
    • At one point, a fire starts. She grabs the extinguisher... And it emits a brief squirt before going empty.
    Jadzia: That's it?!
  • Nog failing to pronounce "coup d'etat" and upon hearing that it's French, calling it a "stupid French thing".

Invasive Procedures

  • When Verad says, "I wish I didn't have to do this" about taking Dax's symbiont, Sisko says, "Then don't."


  • Bashir going to Sisko in the middle of the night in "Cardassians" to request the use of a runabout.
    Bashir: It's Garak, sir. He wants to go to Bajor.
    Sisko: Bajor? For what?
    Bashir: ...He wouldn't tell me.
    Sisko: Well, by all means! Will one runabout be enough?
  • Bashir and Garak are trying to get information about an adoption from a Bajoran orphanage. The woman they talk to isn't particularly cooperative, saying they have no records from that time, when Bajor was occupied, but Garak points out that the Cardassians were meticulous record keepers.
    Garak: Certainly computer entries were made on a regular basis.
    Woman: I wouldn't know. I wasn't a volunteer then. I was in the underground [resistance fighters].
    Garak: [delighted] Really? Perhaps we have met!
  • When Garak hears that Gul Dukat was allegedly worried about his well being, for a moment his mask drops and he has a 100% honest response...laughing out loud at the thought of it because he knows how much of a lie it is.
    • For that matter, coming back to this episode, knowing the animosity between Garak and Dukat, hearing Dukat contact Sisko upon learning of the incident with Garak being bitten by the Cardassian boy and not just feigning concern, but actually describing Garak as "an amiable fellow, if there ever was one"... One can only imagine how difficult that must have been for Dukat to say.
  • Yet more of that Bashir/Garak Ho Yay goodness, as Bashir, having a sleepless night, hears someone enter his quarters, and finds Garak standing right over his bed.
    Garak: Come, Doctor, get dressed. We need to be going.
  • Garak points out to Bashir that Cardassians are particularly meticulous in their attention to detail, so the fact that Cardassian orphans being left behind on Bajor was not "an accident." This leads Bashir to interrupt a conversation between Sisko and Dukat, indirectly accusing Dukat of having done so intentionally. When Dukat ends his side of the conversation, Sisko confronts Bashir, who explains his reasoning.
    Sisko: So, you deduced that Garak thinks Dukat is lying about something you're not sure of and you proceeded to interrupt my conversation to confront him about whatever that may be.
    Bashir: I'm sorry, Commander. It just seemed an opportune-
    Sisko: Don't apologise. It's been the high point of my day. (stone cold serious) Don't do it again.


  • After Melora corrects her order at the Klingon restaurant, the chef takes her original plate order and tosses it over his shoulder. After he gets his payment, he then bites into the bar of latinum before throwing it into his cash box.
  • Quark and Odo are discussing a potential threat on Quark's life.
    Odo: I have no reason to hold him for now and he knows it. I'll watch him the best I can, but I suggest you carry a comm badge with you at all times. Call me at the first sign of trouble.
    Quark: What if the first sign is the last sign?
    Odo: You people sell pieces of yourself after you die, don't you?
    Quark: Yes.
    Odo: I'll buy one.
  • Before all that, when Quark blurts about a man wanting to kill him, Odo offers a beautiful smug smile.
    Quark: What?
    Odo: Nothing. Just a passing thought...
  • One of the side effects of Melora's medication is that her backside is warming up.
  • Odo on Ferengi materialism.
    Odo: I'll never understand this obsession with accumulating material wealth. You spend you entire life plotting and scheming to acquire more and more possessions until your living areas are bursting with useless junk. Then you die. Your relatives sell everything and start the cycle all over again.

Rules of Acquisition

  • Quark's reaction to learning that Pel is a female: He faints dead away in the center of the bar.
  • When Pel is trying to hide that she's female but Quark wants to go to bed but they're forced to share a bed. At first, she says the bed's lumpy, but he says it isn't, then she tries to talk business, but he's not interested, then she kisses him.
    • Which is followed by Pel apologising for kissing Quark but he just denies she kissed him.

Necessary Evil

  • If you can stomach Rom's screaming, the scene where Rom saves Quark from a killer:
    Odo: Oh, quit screaming, Rom! You're a hero!
    Rom: ...I am?
    Odo: Yes. You saved your brother's life.
    Rom smiles for a moment, then realizes he won't be inheriting his brother's bar and starts screaming again. Quark (who's comatose) smiles.
  • In the Flash Back, Odo meets Quark, who offers him some alcohol. We get this.
    Odo: I don't drink.
    Quark: A soft drink, then?
    Odo: I don't... drink.
  • When Rom says he has to get back to "his" bar, to which Odo sternly states (about Quark) "He's not dead, Rom!"
    • Related: when Odo has Rom do a Vision Quest of sorts to see his memories, we get this.
      Odo: What do you see?
      Rom: I see the bar. With my name on it!
      Odo: We're talking about the past, Rom. Not the future!
  • Rom revealing he can break into the storage room and get to the hidden box much faster than the methods Quark was planning to use. Particularly since the methods he used are ones he got good at by regularly breaking into Quark's storage room in the bar.

Second Sight

  • The premise of the episode is that Sisko has a crush on a mysterious woman who keeps disappearing. He tries to report her to Odo but there's a lot he doesn't know about her.
    Sisko: I'm looking for someone. A woman.
    Odo: Name?
    Sisko: Fenna.
    Odo: First name or last?
    Sisko: I don't know.
    Odo: Species?
    Sisko: I don't know. Humanoid.
    Odo: What ship did she arrive on?
    Sisko: I don't know.
    Odo: Well, what can you tell me about her?
    Sisko: Let's see. I'd say she's about one point six meters tall. Brown skin, dark hair. And the last time I saw her, she was wearing...(dreamily) she was wearing red.
    Odo: Well, that's something anyway.
    Sisko: Do you think you can help me?
    Odo: I don't know.
    Sisko: I need to find her, Constable. I think she may be in some kind of trouble.
    Odo: What kind of trouble? Let me guess. You don't know. Well, it's not much to go on, but I'll do what I can.
  • When Jake tells a story to his father about a girl throwing up, Sisko is distracted and says, "That's nice."
    Jake: Nice?! She threw up!
  • When Jake figures out his dad has a crush and wants to meet her, Sisko says no.
    Jake: So when do I get to meet her?
    Sisko: I think it might be a little early to do that.
    Jake: Why? She likes you too, doesn't she?
    Sisko: I think so.
    Jake: So then what's the problem?
    Sisko: Well, er, it's just that, er, she keeps... disappearing.


  • Kira's assessment of her conversation with Quark, wherein Quark urgently called her to complain about a musician in his bar distracting people from gambling.
    Sisko: Ah, Major. Get everything settled with Quark?
    Kira: [seething] Oh, that little toad is this close to doing a 360 out an airlock.
  • Jake and Nog discussing Jake's date, who's a dabo girl. Who studies entomology. Nog has a hard time keeping up.
    Nog: What is entomology?
    Jake: The study of bugs.
    Nog: [suddenly understanding] Oh, you mean she wants to be a chef?
  • Quark complains to Odo about the Skrreeans, namely the way they smell and the way their skin flakes. Odo responds by being Odo.
    Odo: They won't be here long.
    Quark: I hope not, they're driving my paying customers away! They stay here too long and I'll be out of business.
    Odo (smirking): In that case, I hope they never leave.
    • One of the things Quark dislikes about the Skrreeans is how they don't buy anything.
  • Nog stating that his father always gets angry when Nog gets caught.
  • Quark complains that Skrreean children don't learn manners... and then Nog hisses.
  • Before the Universal Translator translated their language, a Skrreean woman pointed at a dress and said something. Kira buys the woman the dress, thinking she meant she liked it but really, she meant she didn't like it. The best part is that Kira didn't like it either and both women start giggling and going on about how revolting they think the dress is.


  • Why Quark doesn't trust Martus.
    Quark: The 47th Rule of Acquisition says, "Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own."

The Alternate

  • Sisko trying to justify to Jake why he needs to learn Klingon opera:
    Sisko: You may find yourself... among some Klingons... in a job... somewhere.
    • Jake turns it around by asking Sisko when he last had to speak Klingon. Sisko admits it was when he was forced to learn it at Jake's age.
    Jake: Just because you suffered through all that doesn't mean I have to.
    Sisko (huge grin): Yes, it does!
  • When the scientist mentions that Odo doesn't "integrate" socially, Odo replies that he integrates as much as he wants to. When the scientist asks what that means, we get this.
    Odo: "As much as I want to" means "As much as I want to"!
  • Odo's reply to Quark asking if he's serious is "Have you ever known me not to be?".

Armageddon Game

  • The subversion of Spotting the Thread when Keiko suspects a security video has been tampered with because it shows O'Brien drinking coffee in the afternoon, which he never does. Then after she's proven right and everything's wrapped up, he asks for coffee. When she says in confusion that he never drinks coffee in the afternoon, he says, "Sure I do."
  • Doctor Bashir's fumbling attempts to thank O'Brien afterward, when the chief would clearly rather be alone with his wife.
    Keiko: Miles, he saved your life, you know.
    O'Brien: And he's never going to let me forget it!


The replicant of Chief O'Brien is being examined in the infirmary. He's pretty annoyed.
Bashir: Well, your sense of humor seems normal enough.
O'Brien: I don't have a sense of humor.
Bashir: Cough.
O'Brien: (Does the fakest cough ever.)
Bashir: How's the sex life?
O'Brien: (Deadpan) I don't have a sense of humor.


  • The little girl who Dax and Odo meet on the planet tells them a story about someone Tricking the Shapeshifter by telling an evil changeling to turn into a loaf of bread, leading to the protagonist gobbling him up.
    Odo: That changeling in your story wasn't very smart.
    Girl: Could you turn into a loaf of bread?
    Odo: So you can gobble me up? No!
  • The little girl meeting Odo.
    Odo: I can change my shape.
    Girl: You mean you're a changeling?
    Odo: Yes.
    Girl: But there's no such thing as changelings. They're make-believe. Everybody knows that.
    Odo: I'm not make-believe.

Playing God

  • In "Playing God", pretty much all the interactions between Dax and Arjin. Arjin keeps expecting Drill Sergeant Nasty and reacting to Jadzia's Blithe Spirit ways.
    • In the same episode, the voles. It's a tossup between them and Tribbles as the worse infestation.
      Sisko: Phasers on stun, Chief. I want those voles taken alive! (His tone of voice is great)
      Sisko: (later) ...and take those phasers off stun, Chief! No more Mr. Nice Guy.
      • An increasingly desperate O'Brien even resorts to contacting Gul Evek for any advice on dealing with the voles. Evek stolidly suggests that the Federation could always give them back the station.
      Evek: By the way, their mating season begins in about six weeks.
    • Also, when Quark reports that someone wants to kill him. Odo just turns to him... and smirks.
  • When Dax notices that Arjin isn't eating.
    Dax: I see you've moved your food around to make it look like you've eaten some.
    Arjin: I didn't need to move it. It moved itself.
  • Dax gives O'Brien a box containing Bashir's "solution" to the station's vole problem. It's... a flute.
    O'Brien: (reads note) "It worked in Hamlin." Very funny.

Profit and Loss

  • After Odo agrees to let Natima Lang and her students go — they're Cardassian dissidents — Quark expresses his gratitude with a hug.
    Odo: Let. Go.
  • Natima Lang acts like she doesn't like Quark very much. Odo snarkily asks Quark if she "dislikes" him or "hates" him, to which Quark states that it's none of his (Odo's) business.
  • How does the first meeting of Quark and Natima in years go? He runs out of the bar to greet her, she slaps him across the face and shouts that she told him never to speak to her again. One has to imagine she wasn't the first to tell him that...

Blood Oath

  • In the episode "Blood Oath", Kor is very understanding of Jadzia's sense that she should come along their quest for revenge, even though it was technically the late Curzon who owed the debt. He makes it sound like vacation on Risa.
    Kor: Of course you should come! The splendor of fighting and killing; a bloodbath in the cause of vengeance; who wouldn't want to come?!
    • Drunken Kor, that is all.
    • When Koloth first shows up in the detention area, looking to spring Kor from the drunk tank, Odo asks him how he got in.
      Koloth: I am Koloth.
      Odo: That doesn't answer my question.
      Koloth: Yes, it does.
    • After taking one good look at the still-drunken Kor and calling him out on said drunkenness, Koloth looks at Odo and shouts, "KEEP HIM!" Kor just waves goodbye and goes back to sleep. Odo rolls his eyes and sighs long-sufferingly.
    • On top of that is Odo's subsequent rant to Kira in Ops about how this has been another "Klingon afternoon", implying this isn't even the most outrageous day with the Klingons he's had.
    • Quark's explanation to Odo about Kor's hogging the holosuite, as he mangles the Battle of Klach D'kel Brakt — calling it "the battle of Klachdachbrach or some such thing".

The Maquis Parts 1 & 2

  • When Dukat has been taking captive by the Maquis and is being interrogated. He proceeds to make fun of their ineptitude as terrorists; but then again, what would one expect from Federation citizens?

The Wire

  • Bashir treating Sisko for a minor injury and warning him against yelling at diplomats, and Sisko replying that he wasn't yelling, he was just expressing his feelings loudly.
  • After meeting Enabran Tain for the first time and learning (through conversation) just how on top of everything he is, Bashir snarkily asks if Tain wants his opinion on the newest nillimite alloy rackets.

The Collaborator

  • This line from Odo to an alien who'd been away for awhile.
    Odo: Welcome back. You're under arrest.


The Jem'Hadar

  • Quark mispronouncing jambalaya as "jumbo-whatsit" and complaining that it has bugs in it.
    Sisko: I thought Ferengi liked to eat bugs.
    Quark: Only certain bugs. Ferengi bugs!
  • Quark gets symptoms similar to hayfever on the uninhabited planet, he shouts that he's "allergic". When Sisko asks what he's allergic to, he states that he's "allergic to nature".
  • Quark's sleeve catches fire and he waves his arm as he starts leaping around whilst screaming in panic. Fortunately, Sisko quickly puts it out with a blanket.
    Sisko: Are you all right?
    Quark: No, I'm not all right! My ears itch, my nose is running, I'm eating foreign bugs. Now look at me. One minute I'm trying to pick out a couple of bugs out of that jumbawhatsit pot, next thing I know, whoosh!
    Sisko: Quark, calm down! Look, do us all a favor. Sit down and try to stay out of trouble.
  • Jake and Nog can't get the ship out of orbit because they don't have the authority to override the autopilot, so they have to disable it. The only trouble is, neither one of them knows how to do it. Jake tries and pulls out an absurd number of isolinear chips. Nog tries and pulls out one chip...which happens to be the one that destabilizes the warp field. It's only then that Jake finally remembers something that allows them to actually disable the autopilot.
    • After they finally confirm the autopilot has been disabled, Nog orders the ship to plot a course to the wormhole. Which it can't do, owing to the fact that the autopilot has been disabled. Jake has to try flying it manually, with no training. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
    • Shortly thereafter, they're found by a rescue party from the station. O'Brien beams aboard and takes one look at the state of the runabout, leading to this exchange.
      O'Brien: Having a little trouble getting her out of orbit?
      Nog: How'd you know?
    • Hilarious in Hindsight kicks in when you realize that, five years later, the pilot of the Defiant during the final battle of the Dominion War is none other than Nog. Someone clearly set about learning his lesson...

    Season 3 

The Search

  • In Part 1, Sisko telling Quark that he’s going on the mission by order of the Grand Nagus. The entire scene is funny enough (Quark trying to get out of going with funny reasons); but then Sisko pulls out the Grand Nagus's Staff, meaning Quark has no choice under Ferengi Law. The look on Sisko's face as he gets to do this is truly something to behold. Avery Brooks spends the scene looking like he’s practically one second away for Corpsing the entire time
  • In Part 2, Quark blatantly referenced Martin Luther King's speech, saying that he had a dream of all races together... gambling.

The House of Quark

  • Most of the episode "The House of Quark", which could earn a position on this list for concept alone (Quark becomes head of a Klingon Great House) but it doubles up with some HILARIOUS dialogue:
    Rom: What about Kozak's family? What if they come here for revenge?
    Quark: If that happens, I'll stand up, look them straight in the eye... and offer them a bribe.

    Gowron: The charge has been made! That you have used... money... to bring down a Great House!

    Quark: I am Quark, son of Keldar, and I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of... whatever.
    • Then there's this: there's just something utterly hilarious about watching the most powerful men in the Klingon Empire trying to wrap their heads around Quark's explanation of how D'Ghor financially manipulated the House of Kozak to the edge of bankruptcy.
    • Gowron's initial reaction to having to deal with such a silly matter is priceless. The wide-eyed Klingon incarnation of Ambition Is Evil on his throne of success, completely discombobulated and trying to pronounce Quark's name right.
    • And how he became head of a Klingon Great House is funny too— an angry, drunk Klingon fell on his own knife and died, but everyone thought Quark killed him.
  • When the woman who Quark accidentally ended up married to asks what she could do for him, he asks for a divorce.
    • The brevity of a Klingon divorce is just as amusing - Grilka delivers a slap across the face (this seems to be a trend for Quark and women...), shouts "Our marriage is done!" in Klingon, and spits at him for good measure. Then Grilka smiles and says, "You're a free man."
  • When Quark states that it's not about profit, Rom says in a bewildered voice, "It isn't?!"
  • This conversation.
    Grilka: You mean D'Ghor has been scheming and plotting like a F--
    Quark: (proudly) Like a Ferengi!
  • Grilka assures Quark that she's very grateful for his help...which is why she gives him the choice to take his hand off her thigh instead of just breaking every bone in his body.


  • Odo attempting to stir a souffle in the beginning of "Equilibrium" (i.e. a stationary spoon and moving the bowl in a circle around it).
    • Plus the beets conversation.
      Kira: What are we having? It smells delicious.
      Jake: Blackened redfish with creamed spinach and saute'd beets.
      Bashir: Beets?
      Sisko: You don't like beets, doctor?
      Bashir: Well, they're not exactly a personal favorite of mine.
      Sisko: That's because you haven't had them prepared properly. (ladles some out) Beets are a very misunderstood vegetable.
      Bashir: Well, I'll look forward to understanding it better.
  • Bashir was apparently Afraid of Doctors as a kid because he thought they made people sick.

Second Skin

Civil Defense

  • Dukat's hilariously awkward team-up with the main characters when he screws up and can't beam out of the station — after he'd beamed in specifically to gloat at them for not being able to fix the problem. Basically anything Dukat does in that episode, from his epic snarkbattle with Garak to ordering tea from the replicator that's shooting at everybody.
    • The awkward look on Dukat's face when Garak openly accuses him of using the current crisis to "flirt" with Major Kira. Garak even sounds genuinely disappointed when pointing out Dukat is a married man.
    • Sisko gets in a remark about Dukat, despite not actually interacting with him in the episode, after they've heard several minutes worth of Dukat's recorded messages.
      Sisko: You know, I never knew how much this man's voice annoyed me.
  • The idea that Dukat's superiors went out of their way to implement a secret program for the sole purpose of ensuring that, if Dukat ever lost control of the station or tried to blow it up, he couldn't leave everyone behind to beam away. They really knew who they were dealing with here. Bonus points for another officer taking the time to record a video message to go along with it, where he just tells Dukat how much he sucks.
    Kell: Dukat. If you're seeing this recording, it means you tried to abandon your post while the station's self-destruct sequence was engaged. That will not be permitted. You have lost control of Terok Nor, disgracing yourself and Cardassia. Your attempt to escape is no doubt a final act of cowardice. All failsafes have been eliminated. Your personal access codes have been rescinded. The destruct sequence can no longer be halted. All you can do now is contemplate the depth of your disgrace, and try to die like a Cardassian.
  • Quark and Odo's banter at the end of the episode:
    Quark (reading Odo's file about him): "A self-important con artist, who's nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is." That's your official security evaluation of me.
    Odo: Quark, I told you to stay away from the computer.
    Quark: Two hours ago you told me I was the most devious Ferengi you ever met.
    Odo: I thought we were going to die! I was trying to be nice.
    Quark: Name one Ferengi who's more devious than I am.
    Odo: Grand Nagus.
    Quark: ...All right. Name another.
    Odo: Daimon Tye.
    Quark: One you personally know.
    Odo: Your brother Rom.
    Quark: My brother?!
    Odo: Your uncle Frin.
    Quark: Frin?!!
    Odo: Your cousin Gaila.
    Quark: Gaila?!! ...The one with the moon?
    • You know Odo is trolling Quark once he names Rom, as Rom is the least devious Ferengi ever invented.



  • Almost the entirety of "Fascination".
    • ...but special mention must go to Lwaxana dancing with Odo.
      Lwaxana: "Dance with me."
      Odo: "I don't dance."
      Lwaxana: "I saw you moving to the music."
      Odo: "That wasn't dancing, that was swaying."
      Lwaxana: "Then sway with me."
  • The premise is that everyone (except Sisko, Odo, and the O'Briens) is crushing on someone they shouldn't be— Jake on Kira, Kira on Bashir, Bareil on Dax, Dax on Sisko (which he and Bashir thought was a joke), and perhaps the weirdest of all, Quark on Keiko.
    • Jake pointing out that Sisko had been encouraging him to find a new girlfriend after his previous one dumped him.
      Sisko: "I didn't mean Major Kira!"
  • Poor Vedek Bareil, goes so far as to attempt to assault Sisko in his attempts to get to Dax. However, since Bareil is normally a pacifist. The Commander barely even registers the man's attacks.

Past Tense, parts 1 & 2

  • In "The Past Tense, Part 2", O'Brien and Kira are hopping through time to find Sisko and Bashir but can't quite find the right time period. When they find themselves in the Sixties, two punks give them the "peace" sign and watch them vanish as they're beamed away.
    • During the same scene, Kira has a band-aid on her nose and tells someone she broke it.
  • Sisko's line about how they don't want Dax to be injured lest the past doctors X-ray her and find out she's not human conjures up a funny mental image.
  • After Sisko intervenes to stop B.C. killing Vin, threatening to shoot him if he does, we get this:
    B.C.: I thought we were on the same side here!
    Sisko: We are, but you get on my nerves and I don't like your hat!

Heart of Stone

  • In the beginning of the episode, Odo and Kira get into an argument over Kira not consulting Odo about going to a governor's dinner. The fact that they're arguing over places to go together makes them sound like a married couple.
    • And of course, Odo didn't even want to go to the dinner in the first place. He's just annoyed Kira didn't let him refuse the offer.


  • O'Brien has to work with a female Cardassian engineer who really gets on his nerves, and he responds in kind. Then he learns this is how Cardassians flirt.
    Gilora: I assure you, I'm quite fertile... I could provide you with many healthy children, if that's your concern, but frankly I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
  • During one of those arguments, Gilora inspires some meta-humor when she sees the secondary backups that O'Brien installed and asks, "What are the chances that both a primary system and its backup would fail at the same time?" Well, judging by the failure rate of the inertial dampers, the holodeck safeties, the warp core ejection systems, various force field containment systems, and on and on and on, maybe Starfleet should install a few more backups.
  • The 34th and 35th Rules of Acquisition are respectively "war is good for business" and "peace is good for business". Quark notes that it's easy to confuse them.
  • After Jadzia warns Quark that his kanar has gone bad, what does he do with it? Well, a few scenes later, Morn gets food poisoning from some kanar that was on the house.

Prophet Motive

  • "Prophet Motive" is another barrel of laughs:
    • Quark and Rom arguing over Rom's messy room... and the contents therein.
      • Bonus points for the in-scene Running Gag about Rom's ear cleaner.
    • Quark and Rom's "discussing" who should tell the Nagus to move out of Quark's room.
      • When Quark makes Rom tell him, he kneels on the floor and yells, "GRAND NAGUS!!! FORGIVE ME FOR DISTURBING YOU...!!!"
  • Quark trying to see if there's a "hidden message" in the book of Revised Rules of Acquisition... culminating in his licking the cover!
    • He also thinks the first word of every chapter might be a code and gets the Non Sequitur "If never keep profit, a good smile honesty."
  • When Quark explains that being associated with Zek's new Rules would lead to them all being thrown from the Tower of Commerce, pointing dramatically up. Cue the following:
    Rom: The Tower of Commerce?! But... that's the tallest building in the Ferengi Alliance. A... fall from that height could...
    (Quarks starts lowering his pointing arm, slowly)
    Rom: (Watching it fall) ...could...coul-oh...! (Epic Oh, Crap! look)
  • Two words: beetle snuff.
  • The revised Rules of Acquisition themselves and Quark and Rom's reaction to them.
    Quark: I can take it. Tell me.
    Rom: Rule number two hundred and eighty five. A good deed is its own reward... ...Brother, are you all right?
    Quark: I just have to sit down.
    • Quark concludes that the revised Rules of Acquisition must be part of some devious plan concocted by Grand Nagus Zek. Later...
      Zek: Quark, my boy. What say we buy everyone a drink? Put it on my tab.
      Quark: But why?
      Zek: It will make everyone happy. And that will make me happy.
      Rom: It must all be part of his plan. Wheels within wheels, brother.
  • As Quark prepares to take Zek to the Prophets, we get this:
    Rom: (to Quark) I wish I could come with you... but I won't.
  • Quark's meeting with the Prophets can basically be summed up as them revealing that they consider the Ferengi's greed disgusting and devolved Zek to a less evolved, less greedy version of a Ferengi and telling Quark they're planning to do the same to him, only for Quark to remind them that if they do that, there'll be more and more Ferengi to disturb them, demanding to know what they've done to their loved ones, at which point they realize their mistake, change Zek back after Quark promises they don't have to see any more Ferengi for the rest of their lives and boot him out mid-sentence.


  • In the episode "Visionary", DS9 plays host to a delegation of Romulans.
    Sisko: When you're in with the Romulans, try to be... diplomatic.
    Kira: I'm always diplomatic!
    (Gilligan Cut to:)
    Kira: That is the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever heard, and I resent the implication!
  • Just as funny is the subject matter of what the Romulans are implying - that either she has feelings for Odo, he has feelings for her, or both. Later, when she tells him about the Romulan interrogation, he also shouts that it’s ridiculous, even though we already know from a few episodes earlier that he very much has feelings for her that he's hiding.
  • When O'Brien urges Quark to try a game of darts, Quark throws them all at once to O'Brien's horror, and they end up embedded into Morn, who looks quite distraught. Quark then mentions how it was O'Brien's fault for having such a dangerous game in his bar.
  • Odo's discussion of his investigation with Sisko includes this exchange:
    Odo: Don't worry, I plan to investigate the Klingons, the Bajorans, Quark, the visiting Terrelians...
    Sisko: You think Quark had something to do with this?
    Odo (confused): ...I always investigate Quark!
  • At the end, O'Brien uses his future knowledge to troll Quark by telling him about someone winning at Dabo just before it happens, and then immediately leaving the bar before Quark can get more answers out of him - smirking all the while.
  • O'Brien tells his future self how he used radiation to get to the future which is making him sick.
    Future O'Brien: Wait, if you're me from the past and you feel bad...shouldn't I feel bad too?
    Both O'Briens: I hate temporal mechanics.
  • When the Romulans accuse Quark of making up his whole story, he says that at least he was being consistent.
  • While the scene of O'Brien seeing his own death and Bashir saying he's "given up" is a huge Tear Jerker, it gets funny when he wakes up in the infirmary.
    O'Brien: I haven't given up! I won't give up! (Bashir looks confused)
    • O'Brien then says Bashir needs to do a certain procedure to save his life.
      Bashir: Who told you that?
      O'Brien: You did. In the future.
      Bashir: Oh. Well, who am I to argue with myself?
  • The scene itself can be considered kind of funny in macabre way if only because the two of them are standing there calmly discussing his death.
    Bashir: I couldn't tell what had happened until I was doing the autopsy.
    O'Brien: Autopsy?
    Bashir: Yes. I just finished doing it a few moments ago. Do you want me to show you the results?
    O'Brien: No, no, that's all right.
  • Past O'Brien wakes up his future self...
    Future O'Brien: Oh no, not you again. What is it now?

Distant Voices

  • The whole premise for the episode is that Bashir is in a coma and is seeing himself on an imagined version of the station. He reckons that the other crewmembers represent parts of his personality.
    Bashir: You represent my doubts and disbelief.
    Imaginary O'Brien: No, I don't.
  • When Bashir discovers he's in a coma.
    Imaginary Kira: You can't just stand there and say you're in a coma. That's crazy!
  • In Bashir's hallucination/nightmare/whatever, he's getting older and older until he's a weak 120-year-old man. When he wakes up, he says that he's not insecure about turning thirty anymore.

Through The Looking Glass

  • Sisko is in the Mirror Universe, pretending to be his counterpart. Due to shenanigans ensuing, he ends up pissing off Intendant Kira, to the point that he and the Terran rebels end up running through the corridors of Terok Nor, finally being cornered in Ops. But, because of his knowledge of his DS9, knowledge his counterpart wouldn't have, he's able to activate the self-destruct. Then, when Kira tries using her access code to deactivate the self-destruct, the computer refuses. Sisko shouts, "I changed it!" in a beautifully mocking tone and flashes a roguish grin to her, before dictating terms.

Improbable Cause

  • Doctor Bashir asks Garak if there's anything Bashir can do while Garak is gone, like water his plants.
    Garak: If you go into my quarters and examine the bulkhead next to the replicator, you'll notice there's a false panel. Behind that panel is a compartment containing an isolinear rod. If I'm not back within 78 hours, I want you to take that rod... and eat it.
    Bashir: Eat it? You're joking.
    Garak: [cheerfully trolling] Yes, Doctor. I am.
  • Garak once again twisting Bashir's sense of morality on its head with his reinterpretation of the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
    Garak: Are you sure that's the moral of the story?
    Bashir: What else could it be?
    Garak: Never tell the same lie twice.
  • Odo and Sisko have just talked to a Romulan officer:
    Sisko: The question still remains: Why would the Romulans want to have Garak killed?
    Odo: I don't know. Considering those uniforms of theirs, you'd think they'd appreciate a decent tailor. (Sisko smiles at that).
  • When Bashir asks Garak if he's okay after his shop burns down, Garak replies that he's fine but the bad news is that Bashir's pants probably won't be ready in time.
  • Garak gives several Blatant Lies as to the reason his shop exploded including claiming he was exiled from Cardassia for failure to pay his taxes.
  • When Sisko and Odo are speaking to the Romulan official, they have Garak listed as a cobbler. When Sisko points out he’s actually a tailor, the Romulan states they’ll correct their records and you can tell she’s very annoyed at the inaccurate information.
  • Discussing possible suspects, Garak brings up Kira.
    Garak: I don't think she likes me very much.
    Odo: She doesn't, but if she wanted you dead, you would be.
    Garak: You do have a point.
    • When Garak later visits Odo's office asking about progress, Odo says, "Major Kira has an alibi."

The Die Is Cast

  • Some Black Comedy after Tain recalls how Garak traumatized a confession out of a doctor by sitting and staring at him for four hours.
    Tain: He spent three years in a labor camp, then returned to Cardassia Prime. I think he's practicing medicine again. When we get back, you should look him up.
  • The way Garak goes about pointing out that Odo had no reason to trust him in the first place in "The Die Is Cast" after Odo acts betrayed. Odo gets the upper hand later in their battle of wits and wills but this line is priceless especially with Garak's trademark delivery.
    Odo: I don't believe you, Garak, and I doubt I'll believe much of what you have to say from now on, so save us both some trouble and leave me alone.
    Garak: Why, Constable! You seem positively disappointed in me. Oh, I suppose it's understandable; after all, I did pledge my undying devotion and eternal allegiance to both you and the Federation, and you and I have been through so much together, shared so many experiences, and I know you considered me a close friend. No wonder you feel betrayed.


  • We get to see Leeta and Dr. Bashir flirt at the bar and it's hilarious:
    Leeta: You're Dr. Bashir, right? I've been meaning to come by the infirmary to see you. (obviously fake cough)
    Bashir: Oh dear. It's a good thing you came to me when you did, we need to start your treatment immediately.
    • (The "treatment" is hot toddies from the bar. Bashir decides he might be getting "sick" too and orders one for himself.)
    • It gets even better when Dax comes by to interrupt the action. Bashir quickly gives her "the immunology data you asked for" and discreetly hands her a P.A.D.D. that says "GO AWAY".
  • "Jerusalem"!! And the following conversation:
    O'Brien: I hated you when we first met! And now... I...
    Bashir: And now...
    O'Brien: And now, I... don't.
    • Meanwhile, Bashir considers confronting the other doctor but O'Brien says, "not now" on account of the fact that Bashir is drunk as a sailor and having trouble walking.
  • Jake thinking his father needs a girlfriend and planning to set him up with someone.
    Ben: I cannot believe I'm getting advice about women from my son.
    Jake: Don't think of me as your son. Just think of me as another guy. Another guy who happens to know a very attractive lady who wants to meet you.
  • Jake writes a story and Sisko notes that he seems to be writing not from his own experience...unless he secretly joined the Maquis.
    Jake: I can't talk about it
    (long Beat)
    Jake: I had you going there.

Family Business

  • Quark, returning to Ferenginar with Liquidator Brunt, sees that his mother has decided to wear clothes for their visit. This leads to one of the most hilarious It Makes Sense in Context lines in Star Trek history:
    Quark: Mother, get undressed this instant!
  • When Quark hyperbolically says he will kill his and Rom's mother, Rom shouts, "Moooooooooogieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
  • Quark's Heroic BSoD—specifically the fact that he apparently actually freezes for a while.
  • The whole thing about Rom being more comfortable with his mother's clothes off. (It Makes Sense in Context... sort of) And the fact that she understandsand complies. (In a nutshell, Ferengi culture views the concept of clothed females as Squick.)
  • Rom snapping and giving BOTH Quark and Ishka a "The Reason You Suck" Speech, capping it off with:
  • Quark and Brunt's farewells, said with the most cheer either of them can manage.
    Brunt: I sincerely hope I never see any of you again!
    Quark: The feeling is mutual.
  • Sisko encounters O'Brien, Bashir, and Odo outside of the bar, who are trying to break into said bar to get the dartboard. As Sisko leaves O'Brien assumes that he’s going to see Kasidy, who Sisko hasn't met yet but Jake has already told everyone about. Sisko is a little irked at that, and is forced to plaster an artificial smile on his face as he walks away in a "What next?" attitude.


  • Audrid-in-Quark's body talking about the birth of her first child. Hearing those words coming out of Quark's mouth and the tone they're said in is pretty hilarious. Also, Quark's reaction to having to go through this Trill ritual.
    Quark: Just remember, not a word about this to anyone.
    • Before he became Audrid, Quark was pretty unenthusiastic about, as he put it, "sharing his body with a dead person".
    • Dax casually asking her friends if she can borrow their bodies.
  • Quark's reaction to seeing Curzon-in-Odo's-body. Especially when Curzon/Odo plants a big kiss on his forehead just to troll him.
    • Curzon/Odo also says, "I am security!" when Quark threatens to contact security.
  • Tobin-in-O'Brien's-body Apologises a Lot and has a nasally voice.

The Adversary

  • The premise is that the characters are on a ship with an evil Changeling. When the evil Changeling shape-shifts into Odo and is in the room with the real Odo and both are giving O'Brien information, O'Brien says he has better things to do than play "Choose the Changeling".

    Season 4 

The Way Of The Warrior

  • Worf's first meeting with Kira and Dax, who had been up in the holosuite in a medieval fantasy program and in costume... including hennin of all things (which Kira has an amusing fight with, trying to get it off her head).
    Dax: I can't believe you did that!
    Kira: He didn't leave me any choice!
    Bashir: Wait, wait, wait. What did she do?
    Dax: She knocked out Lancelot.
    Kira: He kissed me!
    Dax: He's supposed to kiss you!
    (Bashir and O'Brien chuckle, realizing Kira didn't get it.)
    Kira: But I was playing a married woman!
    Bashir: Lieutenant Commander Worf, this is Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax and Major Kira Nerys, our first officer.
    Worf: (Beat) Nice hat.
  • Remember the prune juice joke from TNG? (Where Worf calls the beverage a "warriors' drink") It returns...
    Quark: Let me guess... Klingon Bloodwine.
    Worf: Prune juice, chilled.
    Quark: (laughing) Prune juice!?
    Worf: *DEATH GLARE*
    Quark: (meekly) I-if you say so.
  • Right afterwards, O'Brien and Bashir try to invite him to play darts. Worf proceeds to throw the dart so hard that it over-embeds into the dart board. That's quite an arm he's got...
  • Quark refusing to leave the station as he wants to defend his bar. Odo asks him how, so Quark takes out a box. Odo replies, "You're going to hit them with a box?"
    • Following from the above moment, Quark thinks he's got an ace in the hole when he gets out his disruptor prior to a Klingon attack on the station. However...
      Odo (reading a note in Quark's disruptor pistol box): "Dear Quark, I used parts from your disruptor to fix the replicators. Will return them soon. Rom."
      Quark: I will kill him!
      Odo: With what?
  • When the alarms sound, Quark wonders "Now what?!" Garak promptly snarks, "Well, I can't be sure, of course, but my guess would be Klingons." Quark then frustratedly lampshades the Sorting Algorithm of Evil:
    Quark: The Klingons! First it was the Cardassians! Then it was the Dominion! Now it's the Klingons! How's a Ferengi supposed to make an honest living in a place like this?!
  • Odo warns Bashir to be careful as he could be a target when the Klingons attack.
    Bashir: Watch yourself. Killing a Changeling can be worth a Klingon song or two.
    Odo: Doctor, if a Klingon were to succeed in killing me, I'd expect nothing less than an entire opera on the subject.
  • How can you have a moment be both this and Awesome at the same time? Garak walks up to Dukat and offers his hand in defending the Council from Klingons about to invade the station. While Dukat accepts the help, he and Garak trade barbs the entire time... even while holding off a rush of about ten Klingons.
    Garak: I find this hand-to-hand combat really quite distasteful!
    Dukat: I suppose you prefer the simplicity of an interrogation chamber!
    Garak: You have to admit it's much more civilized!
  • Also, the priceless reply to a belligerent Klingon insulting Odo (in his native tongue, naturally):
    Garak: Actually, I'm not sure Constable Odo has a mother.
    • Immediately after...
      Odo: I didn't know you spoke Klingon.
    • And then when Garak is assaulted by the Klingons to the point of ending up in the infirmary, he still claims victory because he "got off several cutting remarks which no doubt did serious damage to their egos". Sounds like something Garak would say.
    • Garak is baffled at why the Klingons would go after him as he claims the two races have always gotten along well.
      Bashir: With the exception of the Betreka Nebula incident.
      Garak: A minor skirmish.
      Bashir: That lasted eighteen years.
  • The Klingons were just before hassling Morn, asking "So what it is it that you do on this station?" (He’s Quark's chief customer/mascot.)
  • Worf is being nostalgic about the Enterprise, and O'Brien attempts a joke to lighten the mood:
    Worf: Chief, do you remember the time we rescued Captain Picard from the Borg?
    O'Brien: How could I forget? It was touch and go there for a while. There were a couple of moments when I thought we were all going to wind up being assimilated.
    Worf: I never doubted the outcome. We were like warriors from the ancient sagas. There was nothing we could not do.
    O'Brien: Except keep the holodecks working right!
  • There's something funny about Worf unable to contact Gowron, Emperor Kahless, or his brother Kurn who sits on the High Council to find out why the Klingon fleet is at the station, when you remember all three of them own their current position directly because of the actions of Worf.
    • And how he actually finally does find out the truth- by getting drunk with an old Klingon warrior that was a friend of his father's and owed his family a favor.
  • Toward the end of Part 1, Quark and Garak are talking, and Quark initiates a metaphor for the Federation. A good case of Humans Through Alien Eyes:
    Quark: I want you to try something for me. (pours a dark liquid from a red carafe into a highball glass) Take a sip of this.
    Garak: What is it?
    Quark: A human drink. It's called root beer.
    Garak: I don't know...
    Quark: C'mon. Aren't you just a little bit curious?
    (Garak sighs, takes a sip, and gags on it as Quark resumes)
    Quark: What do you think?
    Garak: (genuinely disgusted) It's vile!
    Quark: I know. It's so bubbly and cloying and happy.
    Garak: Just like the Federation.
    Quark: But you know what's really frightening? If you drink enough of it, you begin to like it.
    Garak: It's insidious.
    Quark: Just like the Federation.
    Garak: Do you think they'll be able to save us?
    Quark: I hope so.
    • And earlier than that, when Quark pours Garak a glass of kanar (on the house!) and explains himself, Garak responds with one of the most hilariously vicious backhanded reassurances in television history.
      Quark: I got eighty cases of this stuff sitting in my stockroom, and the way things are going I'll never unload another bottle, unless it's to you.
    • Garak (naturally) gets in another zinger when Quark is whining about what a poor business decision it was to go into barkeeping instead of arms dealing.
      Quark: I'm a people person! I like interacting with my customers, like you and I are doing right now. Talking to one another, getting to know each other...
      Garak: I can see the attraction, for you.
  • A Freeze-Frame Bonus one. Might be unintentional on the extra's part, but when the newly-rescued-and-blood-tested Dukat enters the Defiant bridge, and seeing Sisko and Dax banter about a bet they had that the latter wonnote , the security guard minding Dukat can be seen smiling at the entire exchange. Apparently, this isn't news for any of the officers posted at the station or Defiant.

The Visitor

  • A future Nog visits Jake to tell him how Quark "finally got around to buying that small moon" and Rom went with to make sure it wasn't a disaster. The new owner of the bar? Morn.
    Jake: Talking his customers' ears off and drinking himself out of business, I bet.
    • Future Nog also claims that he's gotten more dates ever since he stopped asking girls to chew his food for him (a Ferengi tradition among straight couples is that the woman chews the man's food; mothers also chew food for their kids).

Hippocratic Oath

  • O'Brien and Bashir chatting about the former's argument with his wife.
    O'Brien: Exactly! See, you understand! Now why can't she see that? Why can't she be more like y- [trails off and pretends to be busy looking at the console]
    Bashir: More like...?
    O'Brien :Um... er... more like - more like a man!
    Bashir: [with a look that just screams 'oh yeah, brilliant save there'] So... you wish Keiko was a man?
    O'Brien: I wish I was on this trip with someone else, that's what I wish!
  • After the runabout crash-lands on Bopak III:


  • Dukat getting a cactus spine in his behind and Kira having to pull it out.
  • The entire Kasidy/Sisko B-Plot. Especially the scene where Sisko talks it out with Bashir and Dax.
    • And then Quark joins in, to expound on how great Ferengi relationships are, where the woman stays at home and does whatever she's told, or else. Sisko rolls his eyes at least three times through the scene, and his expression just screams "are there any Jem'Hadar nearby, and can they please kill me?"
    • Bashir saying that Kasidy moving to the station is a "very big step"... despite berating Sisko for saying those exact words.


  • This otherwise tearjerking episode has a funny moment with Dax and Bashir doing magic tricks. Highlights include Quark declaring, "It's a trick!" and Bashir responding with "Of course it's a trick," and Bashir and Dax pulling latinum from behind Quark's ear and saying that his "head is full of latinum".
    • When Bashir does it, Broik leans in to look inside Quark's ear, trying to see if there's still latinum in there.
  • Bashir's dinner date with Lenara Kahn and Jadzia. While Lenara and Jadzia are giggling, grinning, and generally acting like a couple of lovestruck teenagers at boarding school, poor Bashir is stabbing at his food with a fork and wearing the most hilariously bored expression ever.
  • Dr. Kahn and her team make the mistake of asking Worf if Klingons dream.
    Dr. Kahn: What do Klingons dream about?
    Worf: (staring into the distance) Things that would send chills down your spine, and keep you awake at night. ... it is better you do not know. Excuse me. (leaves)
    Dr. Kahn: Is he joking?
    Kira: You know, I can never tell.

Starship Down

  • In "Starship Down," Hanok, a Gamma Quadrant trade minister, is furious at having been cheated by Quark and indignantly denies that he would ever resort to Quark's shady business practices. Then, a Jem'Hadar torpedo lodges itself in the wall of the Defiant and Hanok has to defuse it, which he knows how to do because, as he reveals, he sells the torpedoes.
    Quark: Wait a minute... these things are supposed to go off on impact, right? I thought you said you didn't sell any substandard merchandise.
    Hanok: ...Maybe I should offer them a refund.
    Hanok: Hahahahahaha!
    • From the same scene, as Hanok tells Quark he doesn't know which of the two diodes he should remove to disarm the torpedo, with both still laughing their asses off:
      Quark: And if we pick the wrong one, WE DIE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Oh... This is not funny.
  • It's a generally tense and dramatic scene, but when Kira is trying to keep a seriously injured Sisko awake, she tells him "It's very important that you listen to me, because..." and then after thinking for a moment, "...there's going to be a test later!" Even the two of them can see the funny side.

Little Green Men

  • Nog trying to intimidate the humans by pointing at a random location on the map and saying they will invade it. They respond with "You're going to invade... Cleveland?!"
  • Quark trying to bluff that he and his people have been studying Earth for years, based on the tiny bits of Earth culture he picked up on the station.
    Quark: We know all about you people: Baseball... root beer... darts.
  • Quark using his finger as a death ray.
    General Denning: Looks a lot like a finger to me.
  • Worf isn't very enthusiastic about being at Nog's auction, until he finds a tooth sharpener. The way he says "How much?" really sells the punchline. Clip!
  • When Quark is being examined by Faith, the Ferengi he speaks to her is unintelligible — except the word "oo-mox." Then it becomes crystal clear what he's trying to propose to her...

The Sword of Kahless

  • Quark complaining about Klingon literature.
    Quark: You know what I like about Klingon stories? Nothing! So many characters die and nobody earns any profit!
  • When Jadzia says that she would check the shroud's authenticity in the morning, Worf, excited to get the results, asks her why she can't do it right now. When she answers, "Because right now my head is swimming with bloodwine," Kor gets a look on his face that clearly says, "Well, you're not wrong."

Our Man Bashir

  • Everything about "Our Man Bashir" (before it gets dramatic), especially if you're a James Bond fan. Such as Bashir knocking out a man with a champagne cork and making a gun out of parts of his shoe.
    • And of course, the always classic:
      Anastasia (who looks like Kira): I never thought I'd see you alive again after you fell out of that dirigible over Iceland!
      Bashir: I had a parachute... and there was a submarine waiting for me.
    • There's also all the hilarity that comes with playing through a James Bond scenario with an actual spy, combined with moments of Garak being... well, Garak.
      Bashir: I work for one of the nation-states of this era, Great Britain, which is battling various other nations in what is called the Cold War. This apartment, my clothes, weapons, even my valet were provided to me by my government.
      Garak: ... I think I joined the wrong intelligence service.

      Garak: Kiss the girl, get the key - they never taught me that in the Obsidian Order.

      Garak: I only know one thing for sure, Doctor... When the molten lava begins pouring into this cave, you and I are going to be very uncomfortable.

      Garak: Interesting, you saved the day by destroying the world.
      Bashir: I bet they didn't teach you that in the Obsidian Order.
  • Anastasia being very confused by the whole conversation the men are having, and demanding to know who Dax is.


  • As the episode starts, the wormhole has been opening and closing repeatedly for no apparent reason. When it finally returns to normal, Kira's mild dejection (as the wormhole is home to the Prophets, the gods of her people) leads to one of the best Worf lines in Star Trek history.
    Kira: Part of me was hoping that the Prophets were behind it. That they were finally going to show themselves to the Bajoran people.
    Worf: I prefer Klingon beliefs.
    Kira: I suppose your gods aren't as cryptic as ours.
    Worf: Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millennia [sic] ago. They were more trouble than they were worth.
    Kira: I don't think I'll ever understand Klingons.
    O'Brien: Don't worry about it, Major. Nobody does. That's the way they like it.
  • Though it comes as part of a tense scene (Sisko is trying to convince his father Joseph to take a blood test to prove he's not a changeling, and Papa Sisko is having none of it, despite that Sisko has two armed Starfleet security officers in tow) we get this moment:
    Joseph: You take these two vampires and tell them to either sit down and take a menu or get out of my restaurant!
    Sisko: Jake, get them a menu.
    Security Officer: But sir—
    Sisko: I would recommend the shrimp creole.
    [Security officers scurry off like scared mice]
  • At the beginning of the episode, Jake is apprehensive about going to Earth because he knows Joseph will put him to work in the restaurant. Sisko, who conveniently managed to go the whole conversation with his dad not mentioning how he was planning on staying in San Fran, assures Jake that now that he's a grown lad, his grandfather won't make him work in the kitchen for nine hours a day...


  • Odo and Worf describing the various ways to be antisocial.
    Odo: There are other ways to create order in your life. Your quarters, for example. Everything in mine has its specific place, and it's all arranged just so.
    Worf: Yes, mine too. Even with my eyes closed, I would still know where everything was.
    Odo: Exactly.
    Worf: I would not tolerate it any other way.
    Odo: I'll tell you what else to do. Make sure everyone knows they can't just drop by your quarters to say "hello". If someone does, whatever happens, don't make them feel welcome.
    Worf: Of course not. That would only invite subsequent visits.
  • Quark insisting that Odo have some food.

Sons Of Mogh

  • Bashir's lame joke about the disguise that he applied to Worf:
    Bashir: There. Very ugly. Well, uglier. [Worf looks at him and Julian gets a bit defensive] A joke.
    Worf: [more annoyed than angry] I got it.

Bar Association

  • Worf gets his tooth sharpener stolen. While he's ranting that nothing like this ever happened on the Enterprise, Odo just grins and begins to read off a long, long list of similar incidents. You know he's just been waiting for the chance to do this.
    • Hilariously, the PADD with this list is just lying on top of his desk, and he presses a couple buttons when he picks it up—he probably took it out any time he had to meet with Worf, waiting eagerly for the chance to use it.
    • There's how the thief is found: He literally falls out of the ceiling and in front of Worf, who happens to have his weapon on him. When he sees the man stole his tooth sharpener, Worf looks ready to rip the guy's head off.
  • O'Brien and Bashir's conversation about taking a cyst off of O'Brien's neck: after Bashir states that the cyst is harmless, O'Brien says that either he'll paint a nose, eyes and a mouth on it and pretend he has two heads or Bashir takes it off, with Bashir joking that he'll go find some paint.
  • O'Brien and Bashir are surprised to see Worf enter the bar during the strike. O'Brien heads in, "just to talk" to Worf. Gilligan Cut to the trio sharing a cell as Sisko rants about them getting into a brawl where Bashir was punched out trying to calm things down.
    • The kicker: Sisko decides to just let the three stay in the cell all night.
  • Sisko tells Quark to settle the strike when it causes a scene between his senior staff. Quark drags his feet about negotiating, until Sisko reminds him that the Federation had been very generous in not charging Quark for operating his business at no cost.
    Sisko: Let's see...five years of back rent, plus power consumption, plus you know how much latinum that is?
    Quark: ...a lot.
    Sisko: That's right.
    Quark: I'll talk to my brother.
    Sisko: I'm glad we're in agreement.
  • Rom the Ferengi starting a worker's union? That's funny. Rom the Ferengi quoting Karl Marx? That's hysterical.
    • And then O'Brien tells Rom an inspiring story about his ancestor Sean Aloysius O'Brien leading a coal miners' strike...and the story ends with Sean's body being fished out of the river with over 30 bullet wounds.
    • There's also the difficulty that Rom has actually announcing that they're forming a union. The look on his face after the word comes out of his mouth makes it seem that he's afraid that the FCA will spontaneously appear at the utterance of the word (and, honestly, with how fast Brunt shows up, it's not that ungrounded a fear).
  • Rom's method of getting people to support the union's cause? Bribing them with strips of latinum and thanking them for their support for not visiting Quark's bar.
  • With his workers gone, Quark tries to replace them with holographic copies of himself that he bought from a passing merchant...which malfunction constantly in the presence of various types of radiation present on the space station, causing them to keep dropping the drink orders on the floor when they dematerialize as a result.


  • This bit:
    Quark (to Worf): Did you hear? Keiko's gonna have another baby!
    Worf (alarmed): ...Now?!
    • Remember the time in TNG where Worf had to deliver a baby? Keiko's baby? He does.
    • It goes on and gets even funnier:
      O'Brien: No, seven months from now.
      Worf: Seven months. Unfortunately, I will be away from the station at that time. Far away. Visiting my parents. On Earth. Excuse me.
    • And how Quark himself found out.
      Bashir: Quark! Did you hear? Chief O'Brien is having a baby!
      Quark (to O'Brien): I thought your females carried your young.
    • How O'Brien found out:
      Molly: I have a little brother.
      O'Brien: (points at her doll) Is that him?
      Molly: No. (points to Keiko's tummy) He's in there.
  • The episode starts with O'Brien and Bashir coming into O'Brien's quarters dressed in World War II flying suits.
    Bashir: I told you we should have left the holodeck earlier.
    O'Brien: And let the Jerries cross the channel! Never!
  • The two then quickly try to tidy the place up.
    Bashir: It's almost like...sculpture...A monument to your year as a bachelor...Who are we to dismantle this...piece of art?
    O'Brien: I don't know, but if we don't, Keiko'll dismantle me.
  • The book Quark used to read to Nog: "See Brak acquire. Acquire, Brak, acquire."

Shattered Mirror

  • Sisko faces karma as word has gotten out to the Mirror Universe rebellion he's not from their dimension. Mirror Bashir punches Sisko in the face just as Sisko did to him. Likewise, Mirror Dax slaps Sisko for "sleeping with me under false pretenses" and threatens him with a dagger. In both cases, Sisko just has a look of "Yeah, probably had that coming."
  • Horrible yet funny: Intendent Kira of the mirror universe is languishing in a jail cell and tries flirting with the guard. He snarls that she executed his wife.
    Kira: What a coincidence! I was hoping you weren't married!
  • Regent Worf is berating Garak for being the only officer who escaped when the rebels seized Terok Nor
    Worf: You are attempting to shift the blame away from yourself!
    Garak: [On his knees, in chains] Am I succeeding?
    • Later, one of the Klingons guarding Garak has lost the key to his collar, instantly making Worf assume that he manage to steal it somehow and is hiding it somewhere and that it's possible he's swallowed it: Garak counters by stating that he's been searched three times already and that he's "very particular about what I eat!". Worf then stabs Garak in the stomach with his dagger, intending to find out for sure whether Garak swallowed the key or not, only for the original Klingon to notice that the key had slipped into his boot when he wasn't looking.

The Muse

  • Odo's face when Lwaxana tells him she's pregnant. His expression screams, "How am I going to get out of this?!" note 
  • Worf has a similar expression when Lwaxana is talking to Kira and Jadzia. He probably thought he'd never see her again, when he left the Enterprise...
    • Worf volunteering to go on a walk with Odo just to get out of the conversation he contributed nothing to.
    • Not to mention Dax and Kira getting massively depressed from listening to Lwaxana's miseries. While in full holosuite costumes.
  • Odo and Ambassador Troi playing hide and seek.

For The Cause

  • Ziyal arrives in Garak's shop. He has no clue why she's here. He was, after all, involved in some way with the death of her grandfather and has made no secret of the fact that he'd like to kill her father as well. According to what we know of the Cardassian culture, she would be perfectly justified in killing him anytime, anywhere. And yet all she wants to be is his friend. This is so incomprehensible to Garak that he's quite awkward, one of the only times in the show that he has not felt in control of a situation. Just look at him while they talk, usually he can predict the other side of a conversation several lines in advance, but not with her.
    • And later when Kira interrupts while he's fitting some new pants for Quark in order to threaten him about Ziyal, the latter jokingly muses how it could possibly be a plan between the two women — Kira makes him let his guard down, and Ziyal takes him out. It's hilarious to watch the normally calm and collected Garak wide-eyed with paranoia and dread.

To The Death

  • The completely gobsmacked expression on Weyoun's face when he drops the mention of the Iconians and their gateways, as if he expected that the Federation couldn't possibly have experience with them, only for Sisko to basically go, "Yeah, we know about them, what about it?" And, as Worf makes a mention of, he was actually on the planet presumed to be the Iconians' homeworld.
  • Discussing the Jem'Hadar, specifically their lack of women and need for sleep or food.
    Worf: Now, we consider Klingon women to be our partners in battle. They are the mothers of our children.
    Dax: And a lot of fun at parties, too.
    Worf: [Beat] True.
  • Pre-battle banter, Jem'Hadar style versus Starfleet:
    Omet'iklan: I am First Omet'iklan, and I am dead. As of this moment, we are all dead. We go into reclaim our lives. This we do gladly, for we are Jem'Hadar. Remember, victory is life.
    Jem'Hadar: Victory is life.
    Weyoun: Such a delightful people.
    O'Brien: I am Chief Miles Edward O'Brien. I'm very much alive and I intend to stay that way. (crewmen laugh)
    Sisko: Amen. Let's get it done!
  • This exchange
    Worf: It has come to my attention that First Omat'iklan has threatened to kill you one the mission is done.
    Sisko: I wasn't aware this had become public knowledge.
    Worf: ...You told Dax.
    Sisko: That'd explain it.

The Quickening

  • The otherwise heartbreaking episode starts with Quark having manipulated Deep Space Nine's systems to broadcast his advert: "Come to Quark's, Quark's is fun! Come right now; don't walk, run!". Major Kira threatens that if they aren't removed by the time she gets back from their next mission, "I will come to Quark's. And believe me...I will have fun."
    • Quark quietly singing along with the jingle. He's clearly pleased with his work.
      Quark: (smiling wistfully) I love the part where my name rotates around...
    • And then Worf comes in moments after we see the ad, and reveals that Quark has tampered with the replicators as well, to serve all beverages in mugs that sing the same jingle when tipped. What really sells it how Worf is almost quivering with barely restrained rage out of the annoyance of having to constantly listen to the jingle while trying to drink his prune juice.
      Worf: I ordered a glass of prune juice from the replicator in the Defiant's mess. (raises mug) what it came in!
    • Look closely, and you’ll see that Quark's offers free refills (with the disclaimer "limit one per customer").
  • Bashir reveals that his "first patient" was a teddy bear.

Body Parts

  • Pretty much all of "Body Parts", but especially the scene where Quark and Garak are testing assassination methods for Quark in the holosuite:
    (After Garak snaps holo-Quark's neck)
    Garak: How's that?
    Quark: Awful. Did you hear that sound of bone snapping? I don't want that to be the last thing I hear.
    Garak: It wasn't that loud...
    Quark: You don't have these ears. Snapping vertebrae is out.
    Garak: We're running out of options, Quark. You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body, the disruptor ruined your clothing, the knife was too savage, the nerve gas smelled bad, hanging took too long, and poison... what was wrong with poison?
    Quark: It doesn't work. If I know the food is poisoned, I won't eat it. Could you get rid of this? The sight of it is making me sick.
    Garak: Computer, remove corpse.
    • Also, Quark's hilarious revelation that he isn't actually dying from a terminal illness:
      Dr. Bashir: Quark, I just got an odd message from a Dr. Orpax on Ferenginar. He wanted me to tell you he's very sorry. You don't have Dorek's Syndrome. Does that make any sense to you?
      Rom: You don't have Dorek's Syndrome...
      Quark: You know what that means, Rom?
      Rom: It means you're going to live!
      Quark: (Elated with realization) IT MEANS I GET TO SUE DR. ORPAX FOR MALPRACTICE! ...and I'm going to live.
    • When Brunt demands delivery of what he paid for (basically Quark's ashes):
      Quark: Maybe I wasn't clear... I'm not dying.
      Brunt: Maybe I wasn't clear... I don't care. I want... my merchandise. Now, I have... a thousand ideas on how to defile your remains. Would you like to hear my favorites?
    • The reason Brunt wants his ashes-equivalent isn't business; it's because he hates Quark so much he wants him dead (or at least to have to break a contract with a Ferengi, which essentially makes other Ferengi treat him as if he were dead). Why? Because in his view, Quark is too nice to his employees and customers. This culminates with Quark accidentally slipping out that he gives his employees vacation, infuriating Brunt even further. Then Quark tries to backpedal by claiming the employees have to pay for their vacation, but Brunt sees right through him:
      Quark: I didn't give them anything. They contributed to a central fund which I manage.
    • And when The Power of Friendship comes to Quark's rescue with furniture and drinks so that he can restart his bar, he tries desperately to salvage what's left of his pride. And Sisko just rolls with it.
      Quark: Captain, you can't do this! (off Sisko's look) Not without paying a storage fee... A minimum storage fee. Practically nothing.
      Sisko: Send me the bill.
  • When Keiko's unborn baby gets moved into Kira's uterus due to Keiko being injured, and Bashir tells O'Brien and Sisko.
    Bashir: I had to find a place for the baby and the only people available were Major Kira and me.

Broken Link

  • In "Broken Link", Bashir speculating on Odo's ailment: "I mean, for all I know, this could be a normal biological process—the changeling equivalent of puberty... or... menopause..." Odo's reaction to the last bit is priceless.
  • Garak calls Odo into his shop on the pretense of reporting a crime, so he can set Odo up with the pretty Bajoran woman who is obviously flirting with him. Her dinner invitation sails right over Odo's head, and Garak's exasperation is priceless.
    Garak: Now that you mention it, I've just witnessed a crime.
  • Kira's version of Morning Sickness.
    (Kira begins sneezing)
    Jadzia: Two. Three. I say she stops at seven.
    Sisko: I say eight. Mr. Worf?
    Worf: (reluctantly) Ten.
    Kira: (stops after sneezing eight times) Uh, I hate being pregnant!
    Sisko: I win.
    • And at the end...
      Sisko: In the meantime, I want [Odo] left alone to rest, agreed?
      Kira: Atchoo!!!
      Sisko: Agreed.
  • Quark somehow getting into the discussion and mentioning that Ferengi men have to pay their women for the duration of the pregnancy—they consider it more of a "rental."
  • Tasked with occupying Odo's attention on the trip to the Founder's homeworld, Garak delights in weaving half-truths about his mysterious past for Odo to puzzle out. This later backfires hilariously when Garak, trying to make a good diplomatic impression, is trying to ask Odo whether he looks presentable and Odo is too obsessed with figuring out the mystery to care.
  • Bashir is about to throw a pebble into an ocean to pass time. The ocean in question is the Great Link of the Founders.
    Sisko: Doctor?
    Bashir: Ooooooooooooh. [looks at the pebble] Right.

    Season 5 

Apocalypse Rising

  • From Dukat's visit:
    Dukat: Major, I must say I'm shocked [to find out that] you're pregnant! I hope First Minister Shakaar appreciates what a lucky man he is.
    Kira: Shakaar's not the father.
    Dukat: (Sounding perplexed) Then who is?
    Kira: (nonchalantly) Chief O'Brien! note 
    • Said moment is even funnier when you remember that Dukat's hobby consists of making eight babies with his wife, having two more (that we know of) with his Bajoran mistresses, and keeping track of pretty much everyone he knows' (but especially Kira's) sex life. Dukat's face just shows a look of "She wouldn't give me the time of day, but now she's carrying on with the O'Briens? Seriously?!"
      • Does this mean Dukat was imagining a Kira x Miles x Keiko threesome? Wow, Dukat, you're a perv.
    • And speaking of who the father of Kira's baby is... note 
      Kira: But don't forget, this [her being pregnant]... is still your fault.
      Bashir: My fault?
      Kira: You performed the transfer from Keiko to me.
      Bashir: After you volunteered.
      Kira: After you put the idea in my head.
      Bashir: After you flew the runabout into the asteroid field.
      Kira: After you insisted we check on those anomalous bio-scans.
      Bashir: That was Keiko!
      Kira: That's right. It was. But I'd rather blame you.
    • Worf pulling a Drill Sergeant Nasty act so as to get Sisko, Odo, and O'Brien into character as Klingons. Hilarity Ensues:
      Worf: I called you a dung beetle!
      Odo: I heard you!
      Worf: And what is your response?!
      Worf: (Sighs, heads to Sisko) Sir...perhaps it would be best if I were to—
      Sisko: (backhands Worf and enters Large Ham mode) ARE YOU QUESTIONING—THE VALIDITY—OF MY PLAN?!?!
      Worf: Very convincing, Captain—but was your intention to challenge me to a fight to the death?
      Sisko: (snapping back to polite and reserved) ...No, not at all....
      Worf: Then next time, do not strike me with the back of your hand—use your fist.

The Ship

Looking For par'Mach In All The Wrong Places

  • Quark and Bashir eavesdrop on "the battling O'Briens" having another argument — and it's not Miles and Keiko, but Miles and Kira. When Keiko shows up to end the argument, Quark and Bashir lament that the fun is over.
  • Worf's "WTF?" face when Jadzia tells him that Grilka was Quark's wife.
  • Quark's "impassioned" speech to Grilka. Desperately stalling for time so that Dax can fix the mechanism Worf's using to control Quark's bat'leth, he invents the Ferengi Rite of Proclamation so that he can make a speech.
    Quark: To this end... my blade soars... through the... aquarium... of my soul... seeking the... kelp of discontent which must be severed so that the rocky bottom of lies waiting, with fertile... sand for the coming seed of Grilka's affection.
    [pauses; goes slower and more sincerely this time]
    Quark: And yet... does this explain my need for her? No. It is like... a giant cave of emptiness... waiting... for the bats of love to hang by—
    [Worf gets the machine fixed; back to the fighting]
  • Also: "War! What is it good for? If you ask me, absolutely nothing."
  • When Quark and Grilka come to Sickbay injured and tell Bashir that it was because they had sex, Bashir is grossed out and tries to erase the mental image. Then Worf and Dax come in, similarly injured, and when Jadzia begins to try to explain...
    Bashir: No... No, I don't need that image, either. In fact I'm gonna stop asking that question altogether. People will come in, I will treat them, and that's all.
  • Worf's attempt to woo Grilka at the start involves tossing Morn out of his seat. Before doing so, he hesitates.
    Worf: I will apologize for this later.

...Nor the Battle To The Strong

  • Quark is trying to provide non-caffeinated drinks for Kira. His efforts are...not good.
    Odo: (Trying to keep a straight face) So much for "Quarkachino".
  • Quark brings up how on Ferenginar, a pregnancy is considered "a rental." Kira and Dax react as you'd expect.
  • Bashir and Jake assist an emergency hospital close to a Klingon warzone. Afterwards, when Bashir makes a surgery joke about his food, it causes Jake to become nauseous and run out the room past three Starfleet doctors who were on the same shift casually eating.
    Doctor 1: His first day?
    Doctor 2: Yeah.
    Doctor 3: Pass the salt.
  • Odo suffers an injury as he leapt off the second-deck of the Promenade, chasing some crooks. It was only halfway to the ground that he remembered he couldn't change into a hawk.
    Sisko: That would have been impressive.
    Odo: I thought so...

The Assignment

  • The Pah-Wraith that possessed Keiko has O'Brien running around the station making changes without understanding why he's doing them. Rom figures out what the objective is, and nonchalantly asks O'Brien why he wants to kill the wormhole aliens.

Trials And Tribbleations

  • Does the word "tribble" appear in the episode's title? If so, prepare to laugh long and hard. "Trials and Tribble-ations" is made of these.
  • One speech by Bashir (and response by O'Brien):
    Bashir: You know, no one ever met my great-grandfather. This could be a predestination paradox! Come on, Chief, surely you took elementary temporal mechanics at the Academy? I may be destined to fall in love with that woman and become my own... great-grandfather.
    O'Brien gives Bashir a disbelieving look that could melt glass
    Bashir: Come on, Chief, you can't just dismiss this!
    O'Brien: I can try.
    Bashir: All right, but I can't wait to see the look on your face when we get back to Deep Space Nine and you find out I never existed!
    • Kira asks them if they're ready for beam-out. O'Brien's reply: "Are we ever!"
    • O'Brien almost manages to keep a straight face as they are beamed out.
    • When the young woman in question tells Bashir "your flap's open", O'Brien's immediate reaction is to look down at Bashir's pants (perhaps he thought she said, "fly").
  • When Worf, Odo, Bashir and O'Brien are in the bar and see Scotty, Chekov, and Freeman enter, they confuse Freeman (from behind) for Kirk. Freeman was played by Paul Baxley, William Shatner's stunt double.
  • Worf and the angry tribble. Enough said.
    "Where did you get that... thing?"
    • And of course Odo: "Oh, another glorious chapter in Klingon history. Tell me, do they still sing songs of 'The Great Tribble Hunt?'"
    • The fact that Odo of all people is tenderly cooing over a Tribble is hilarious, even though he's not exactly himself at the moment.
  • Sisko tries to contact the Defiant by tapping his chest... then remembers that this is the 23rd century, and there's nothing there but cloth. He has to actually pull out his communicator, flip it open, and repeat his hail.
    • It's the look on Dax's face, as she waits for him to figure it out, that really sells that moment.
  • There's also the pair of Department of Temporal Investigations agents, who play the "humorless government investigator" stereotype to the hilt.
    Lucsly: So you're not contending that this was a predestination paradox?
    Dulmer: A time loop, that you were meant to go back into the past?
    Sisko: No.
    Dulmer: Good.
    Lucsly: We hate those. So, what happened?
    Sisko: This may take some time.
    Dulmer: Was that a joke?
    Sisko: No.
    Dulmer: Good.
    Lucsly: (utterly stone-faced) We hate those, too.

    Sisko: (on whether he thinks anything might have changed) My crew and I would have noticed if anything had changed the instant we got back.
    Lucsly: (to Dulmer) Why do they always say that?
    • And their names are Dulmer and Lucsly. Guess what these are anagrams for.
    • For that matter, the fact that they consider Kirk to be something of a menace, given his numerous time travel adventures.
    • When Sisko gives the stardate the crew was sent back to, one of them identifies exactly how far back in time that was, and the other instantly identifies it as a Friday.
  • And the ending, where tribbles have overrun the Promenade, with Quark leaning against the bar, surrounded by tribbles and one on his head.note 
    Odo: Did you tell them?
    Sisko: They didn't ask. I'm open to suggestions, people.
    Dax: We could build another station.
  • "The Trouble With Tribbles" made Kirk the butt of most of the jokes. "Trials and Tribble-ations", while being respectful, piled on just a little bit more.
    Dax (upon spotting Kirk and Spock): He's so much more handsome in person. Those eyes!
    Sisko: Kirk had quite the reputation as a ladies' man.
    Dax: Not him. Spock.
    • Considering the number of female fans who crushed on Spock, this is a perfect inside joke.
    • Later, we find out that those stray tribbles that keep falling on Kirk's head are, in-universe, being tossed by Sisko and Dax.
  • For a while during that episode Jadzia was struggling to figure out where she knew the name McCoy from, turns out she actually met him when she judged a gymnastics competition as Emony at Ole Miss, she wasn't surprised to see he was a doctor then; remembering fondly that he had the hands of a surgeon.
  • They have to scan every tribble on the Enterprise and Station K7. O'Brien and Bashir protest, citing there there must be thousands of them.
    Dax: One million, seven hundred and seventy one thousand, five hundred and sixty one. That's starting with one tribble with an average litter of ten every twelve hours. After three days.
    • Later, she and Sisko are in the storage compartment that Kirk opens and hear Spock make the same calculations. She gives Sisko a look of 'told you so.'
  • The entire segment where Odo, O'Brien, and Bashir see the Klingons from that era, much to their disbelief, and an embarrassed Worf confirming that they are Klingons. When the others ask for an explanation of why they look so different, he merely replies with a prickly "We do not discuss the matter with outsiders."
    • Before that, the barmaid having to point out the Klingons to Bashir and O'Brien.
      Bashir: (looking at the TOS Klingons) Those are Klingons?
      Barmaid: ...I think you fellas have had enough to drink.
  • O'Brien, by any measure one of Starfleet's best engineers, being completely baffled by Enterprise's systems (and the modifications Scotty has made to them)—to the point that he can't use an elevator and almost blows his cover by cutting power to an entire deck.
    O'Brien: Obviously the first thing we should do is to take this transtator here, and - (the lights go out) - and leave it exactly where it is.
    • Bashir also has to make an excuse for why a doctor is assisting an engineer—he says he's conducting a study on work-related stress. And after O'Brien cuts the power, he claims he needs more rest and escorts him back to sickbay. O'Brien even takes a moment to sheepishly ask the engineer they had to fool not to mention this to anyone.
  • Darvin (when he still had his cover identity) claiming the Cardassian equivalent to coffee is hot fish juice. Ew.
  • "Barry Waddle"/Darvin refers to the Klingons as 'foul-smelling barbarians.' He then apologizes to Worf, standing right there.
    O'Brien: I wouldn't take it personally, Worf.
    Bashir: I rather like the way you smell.
    O'Brien: Yeah, sort of earthy, peaty aroma.
    Bashir: With a touch of lilac. [Worf is not amused]
    • Cut to later on the bridge of the Defiant, and O'Brien is chatting with Sisko and Dax.
      O'Brien: Trust me. Next time you see him, just sniff the air and go 'is that lilac?'
      Dax: Find somebody else. I have my own ways of torturing Worf.
  • Dax's joke about how the Temporal Investigation people are always on time. And the two temporal investigators conspicuously refuse to comment on the joke.

Let He Who Is Without Sin...

  • Quark and Bashir's reaction when they learn Leeta has a crush on Rom.
    Quark (hands the fertility idol to Bashir): Take this, You need this more than I do.
    • Also, there's a pretty good reason why Quark shouldn't be able to see Rom as sexy.
  • The Ferengi version of the Eskimo Postulate:
    Quark: I've seen drier days on Ferenginar, and we have 178 words for rain. Right now, it's glebbening...and that's bad.
  • When Dax wants a swim, but Worf didn't bring a bathing suit, she says, "I won't tell anyone."

Things Past

  • Garak is complaining about his treatment at a conference talking to Bajorans.
    Garak: Giving me a name tag that read, 'Elim Garak – Former Cardassian Oppressor' was hardly polite.
  • Odo and Sisko both have an encounter with past Quark, who wants them to work at his bar in a 12 hour shift with only 2 5-minute breaks and the pay of only a single slip of latinum and is being ridiculously condescending and sarcastic towards them when they don't immediately jump at the opportunity to do so:
    Odo: How much damage would it do to the timeline if Quark were to suffer a mysterious "accident?"
    Sisko: I'm not sure. But maybe we should conduct a little experiment and find out.
  • Garak is annoyed they're tossed into a large cell area.
    Garak: You'd think they'd put us in our own cell block instead of with the common criminals — after all, we are accused of attempting to assassinate the station commander. That deserves SOME respect!
    Sisko: Maybe they'll salute when they execute us.
  • Dax has caught the eye of past Dukat, who has brought her to his office after an assassination attempt. He begins monologuing about how the Bajorans are children who look to him as a father.
    Dukat: Bad manners are the fault of the parent, not the child. My weakness is I'm too generous, too forgiving. My heart is too big.
    (With his back turned to her, Dax knocks him out.)

The Ascent

  • First in The Ascent, Quark gets a classic piece of snark out as he grabs a pad from an infuriated Odo, as he's being escorted to a court hearing:
    Quark: Or what? What're you gonna do, arrest me?
    • Then reaches a new level as he reads from Odo's pad: it's a trashy romance novel.
  • After being stuck together in the runabout, Quark gets irritated with Odo smacking his lips. Then he complains about a buzzing sound that Odo can't hear.
    Odo: With all this lip-smacking, how can I hear anything?
  • Quark directing Odo's gaze by his nose has the potential to give plenty of fans stitches.
  • Odo laughs on how Quark is testifying over a deal he screwed up.
    Odo: Well, I guess you're not as successful a businessman as you think you are.
    Quark: Which means you spent the last ten years of your life trying to catch a nobody — with little success, I might add. So you tell me, which one of us is the bigger failure?
  • Odo trying to wake up Quark, only for Quark to yell at him to stop hitting him.
  • After Odo's leg gets broken, Quark has to lift Odo into a makeshift stretcher:
    Odo: Stop looking at the leg. You'll pass out again.
    Quark: Not looking at the leg doesn't help. I still know it's there.
  • Quark's reason for bringing Odo with him when his leg got broken.
    Quark: Don't you get it? I'm not trying to save you. I'm taking you along as emergency rations. If you die, I'm gonna eat you.
  • The fact that what pushes Quark to make it all the way to the top of the mountain with the transmitter is the realization that his brother will inherit the bar when he dies and his remains won't be vacuum-dessicated and sold if they don't find his body.
  • Nog and Jake spend the entire episode reuniting but Jake’s annoyed Starfleet has turned Nog into a rules-abiding neat freak. It culminates in a huge fight where Jake snaps about Starfleet uniforms "looking like pajamas" and Nog moves out.
    • This leads to Rom and Sisko teaming up as Rom can't put up with Nog living with him. He's so concerned about Nog's new attitude that he actually drew blood to make sure he wasn't a Changeling and carries the vial around for hours.
    • Sisko finally lays it out to the duo on why they have no choice but to get along.
    Sisko: (to Nog) I'm your captain. (to Jake) And your father. And what I say, goes. Good day, gentlemen.
    • Also, Jake dismissing Starfleet uniforms as "pajamas" is pretty rich, considering he spent the first two seasons in one-piece outfits that wouldn't look out of place as the carpet of a mid-nineties arcade...
  • While the scene is mostly dramatic, there's something kind of amusing about the fact that Odo and Quark's Volleying Insults end with alliteration.
    Quark: "Freak!"
    Odo: "Fraud!"
    Quark: "Fascist!"
    Odo: "Failure!"

The Rapture

  • Rapture is a mostly serious episode, but it does include one particular gem from the party celebrating Bajor's upcoming acceptance into the Federation. Everyone is in the bar when Quark calls for silence, and directs their attention to a couple of Dabo girls on the balcony, holding a folded up cloth. He calls for a drumroll, the cloth is unfurled over the balcony, revealing... a banner displaying the insignia of the Klingon Empire and "WELCOME KLINGONS" written in Klingonese characters underneath. Quark has to quickly pull the RIGHT banner displaying the Federation insignia out from behind the bar.

The Darkness And The Light

  • This otherwise dark episode does have a funny bit of Worf and Dax on a shuttle. Dax snaps at Worf smirking at her as it seems Dax (who, remember, has lived several lifetimes) got taken at a poker game and cleaned out for two bars of latinum.
    Worf: Do you even have that?
    Dax: I have it...Most of it...Worf...
    Worf: No!
    Dax: Fine, I'll go to Quark. He likes me.
    Worf: Quark may lend you the money, but remember Rule of Acquisition number one hundred and eleven: "Treat people in your debt like family — exploit them."
    Dax: You know the Rules of Acquisition?
    Worf: I am a graduate of Starfleet Academy. I know many things.

The Begotten

  • In this otherwise serious episode, Odo, while teaching the infant Changeling how to shapeshift, says "Here comes Mr Cube" while pouring it into a cube. Yes, Odo!
  • Worf: Constable, why are you talking to your beverage?
  • Bashir and Odo's conversation when Odo comes in to the infirmary with a pinched nerve and Bashir tells him he needs to relax.
    Odo: That's what you said last week.
    Bashir: And?
    Odo: ...And it helped. Well, that and the prune juice.

For The Uniform

  • This otherwise fairly dark episode does have one lighter moment when O'Brien is explaining why he's having Cadet Nog handle the relaying of communications, due to his Ferengi hearing.
    O'Brien: I figured you'd want someone who could hear you while the bridge is exploding all around you.
    Nog: ...Exploding?
    Sisko: We may be going into a combat situation. Do think you're ready for that, Cadet?
    Nog: (standing to attention) Sir. Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.
    Sisko: I'm glad to hear it. Report to the bridge.
    Nog: Aye, sir. (heading off, muttering under his breath) Exploding?

In Purgatory's Shadow/By Inferno's Light

  • "In Purgatory's Shadow" and "By Inferno's Light" had some very funny scenes.
    • Worf assuring Sisko he'll bring Garak back.
      Sisko: I don't need to tell you to keep an eye on him.
      Worf: At the first sign of betrayal, I will kill him, but—I promise to return the body intact.
      Sisko: I assume that's a joke.
      Worf: (smirks) We shall see....
    • Garak pleading with Worf to consider sponsoring his entrance into Starfleet. Worf can't believe it, but Garak's impassioned speech about his need for redemption wins Worf over enough for him to promise to consider it... then Garak suggests his experience should mean he can fast track into commander rank, where he can become Worf's superior officer, and Worf realizes he's been the butt of an elaborate joke.
      Worf: Do not play games with me. You have no intention of joining Starfleet, do you?
      Garak: No, I'm afraid I don't.
      Worf: Then why all this deception?
      Garak: Because lying is a skill like any other and to maintain a level of excellence, one must practice it constantly.
      Worf: Practice on someone else.
      Garak: Mr. Worf, you're no fun at all.
      Worf: Good!
    • On the same runabout trip, we learn Garak doesn't care much for Picard's tea of choice.
      Garak: I would like to get my hands on that fellow Earl Grey and tell him a thing or two about tea leaves!
    • Just before they are captured by the Jem'Hadar, Garak politely asks them "Could one of you point us in the direction of the wormhole?" before getting smacked with the butt of a disruptor rifle.
    • Ziyal's sarcastic reaction to Quark moaning about a loss of profits if the Dominion takes over the station.
      Quark: The Jem'Hadar don't eat, don't drink and they don't have sex. To make matters worse, the Founders don't eat, don't drink and they don't have sex either. Which, between me and you, makes my financial future less than certain.
      Ziyal: It might not be so bad. For all we know, the Vorta might be gluttonous, alcoholic sex-maniacs.
      Quark: I hadn't thought of that! I wonder what their favorite food is!
      • And even funnier if you remember what we later learn about the Vorta: they're a race of clones whose sense of taste is largely limited to the foodstuffs they had before being genetically engineered, and are immune to most poisons, including alcohol. So, sorry, Quark, but looks like the Vorta also don't eat, drink, or have sex. (Although Weyoun is shown to really enjoy playing Dabo a few episodes down the line.)
      • Although it seems as though there was a minor missed opportunity for humor with Quark attempting to replicate a dish making use of kava nuts and rippleberries or some kind of "texture sampler" plate in a desperate attempt to earn at least some of his money.
    • A subtle but funny callback at the end of the two-parter. Near the start of the two-parter, Garak promised a worried Ziyal he'd return safely and she reached out to touch his hand. Dukat, who had just arrived on the station and spotted this, attacked Garak in a rage over getting too close to Ziyal. At the very end of the two-parter, when Ziyal launches herself into Garak's arms in relief at seeing him back in one piece, he does not immediately return the hug. Instead, he shoots a furtive look around the place as if expecting Dukat to attack him from the shadows before relaxing and returning the hug.
  • In the prison camp Martok promises to seek out the greatest bards on the Klingon homeworld to compose a song about Worf's incredible duels with the Jem'Hadar, even promising to include Bashir as the healer who saw to Worf's wounds. Worf snaps back that the only verse he's interested in hearing is "the one where they escaped".
  • Garak lied to Sisko about the message, saying it was an old planetary survey and nothing more. He describes the senior staff's looks of surprise and disbelief, only for Bashir to be equally incredulous. Garak has fun pointing out to Ziyal how the others had that exact same expression and Ziyal smiles.
  • Worf is more scared of Dax losing the isolinear rods containing his Klingon operas than he is of dying in battle. Dax enjoys rubbing this in.
  • Dukat has come to Kira, angry that she has "let" Ziyal associate with Garak while he's been away from her and the station.
    Kira: She was lonely. The last time I checked, he's the only other Cardassian living on the station.
    Dukat: The man is a heartless, cold-blooded killer.
    Kira: Like I said, he's a Cardassian.

Doctor Bashir, I Presume

  • After Bashir learns he's being considered as the model for a new medical hologram:
    O'Brien: Just think. If this pans out, you'll be able to annoy hundreds of people you've never even met!

A Simple Investigation

  • Odo interrupts Julian's spy holonovel to ask him for advice, which distracts Julian enough that O'Brien (as a villain, in an in-universe version of Typecasting) shows up on the other side of Julian's car and points a gun at him.
    O'Brien: Car trouble, Mr. Bashir? (breaking character) Hi, Odo!
    • And after a conversation, Odo slips out of the car while Julian's distracted. O'Brien seizes the opportunity to hold Julian at gunpoint, causing Julian to complain how it's unfair towards him.
    • What was Bashir doing when Odo dropped by for romantic advice? Drinking champagne with the villain's girlfriend. Like Dax and Garak, Odo is keeping up the grand tradition of cockblocking Bashir.

Business As Usual

  • Quark and Gaila are waiting for Hagath in the bar. Quark is Properly Paranoid that Odo may be spying on him, so he starts rattling the chairs.
    Gaila:: Would you stop doing that?!
    Quark: Shhh! Just being careful. Odo could be anywhere! (thinks for a moment) ...Or anything.
    (Quark grabs Gaila's drink out of his hand and puts his finger into it.)
    Gaila: Quark! (grabs his glass back) We saw him walk down the Promenade five minutes ago.
    Quark: He's very tricky!
  • Julian's professional opinion as Chief Medical Officer as to why Yoshi won't sleep.
    "Perhaps he's become prematurely aware of life's existential loneliness?"
  • A ragged O'Brien puts Yoshi down for a nap... in ops. Specifically, the pit. Everyone in ops comes over to see him.
    Sisko Don't you people have work to do?
    • Before that, he tries to play darts holding him.

Ties Of Blood And Water

  • In "Ties of Blood and Water" the recently reintroduced Weyoun, upon hearing that a bottle of Kanar intended for Ghemor has been poisoned, cheerfully chugs it down and admires its toxicity the way one might appreciate a rare vintage. Only then does he go on to explain that in addition to regularly cloning the Vorta, the Dominion has genetically engineered them to be immune to just about every imaginable kind of poison, as this apparently comes in handy for a certain kind of diplomatic negotiations.
    • Given that the Vorta are the "carrot" to the Jem'Hadar's "stick" (i.e. join peacefully, or we'll conquer you), it's quite plausible that some might try to stall by making the diplomats mysteriously die/become ill whenever they came to visit...
    • This scene is funnier in part because both Sisko AND Dukat stare at Weyoun with a look of pure "what the freak?" followed by Dukat promptly chewing Weyoun out for it.
    • And right before this scene Weyoun was playing Dabo and, surprisingly, being freaking adorable about it. You may be happy, but you will never be "Weyoun playing Dabo" happy.
  • When Dukat tells Kira that her father figure, Tekeny Ghemor, is responsible for an atrocity during the Bajoran Occupation, Kira calls him out on his sick little games. When he admits he gets a certain pleasure out of it, all of a sudden she throws a tea cup at him. He barely dodges as it shatters against the wall behind him, with an "I might have miscalculated" look on his face.
  • The obvious glee Sisko takes in pointing out to Dukat that, with the Federation not recognizing the Dominion-installed government on Cardassia, as well as the lack of any extradition treaty between both powers or between Cardassia and Bajor, there’s little chance of him getting Tekeny Ghemor to be handed over to Cardassia, and then hanging up on him with a grin. He is JUST keeping from going “nyah-nyah-na-nyah-nyah!”
    • In the same scene, when Dukat is trying to score a point with Sisko about how he prefers the simplicity of the title of "Gul" over "Legate," "First Minister," or "Emissary," Sisko has none of it and offers the alternative of "Dominion Puppet." In a Funny Background Event, the two guards behind Dukat on the viewscreen are a Jem'Hadar and a Cardassian, and, when Sisko makes his suggestion, the Cardassian gives an uncertain glance to the Jem'Hadar, who doesn't even blink.

Ferengi Love Songs

  • Quark comes home to stay for awhile and finds the Grand Nagus hiding in his closet. At first, he doesn't notice, even when the Nagus takes his bag, and the Nagus tries go pretend he's not there. But Quark takes another look. Without skipping a beat, Zek asks what Quark is doing on Ferenginar, and admonishes him for coming back despite being banned by the Ferengi Commerce Authority. Adding to the insanity, Quark doesn't bother questioning what the heck the Grand Nagus (and his bodyguard) are doing in his closet until he's halfway out the door.
  • Quark spending the whole episode watching his Moogie and the Grand Nagus in Sickeningly Sweethearts mode.
  • He later finds Liquidator Brunt in his closet... twice.
    Quark: (annoyed) What are you doing in my closet?!
    Brunt: (smugly) Conducting official FCA business.
    Quark: In my closet?!
  • Quark puts a phaser to the side of his head just as his mother walks in. She sees right through his bid for attention.
    Ishka: Quark, the power cells are empty.
    Quark: I must've been too depressed to notice.
  • Kira gets to play Commander Contrarian when Leeta is trying to convince herself she did the right thing by calling off her upcoming wedding to Rom (doubles as Heartwarming as well):
    Leeta: I hate him.
    Kira: No, you don't.
    Leeta: All he loves is latinum.
    Kira: No, he doesn't.
    Leeta: Cancelling that wedding was the best thing that ever happened to me.
    Kira: No, it isn't.
    Leeta: I am so glad he's out of my life.
    Kira: No, you're not.
    Leeta: Major, you haven't been listening to me.
    Kira: Yes, I have.
  • Rom being unsure about his nontraditional wedding because a Rule of Acquisition says that "latinum lasts longer than lust". O'Brien's reply is that "sometimes lust can be more fun".
  • Quark has a rough first day as Zek's financial advisor due to his forgetfulness. When he comes home, Ishka suggests stroking the Grand Nagus' lobes to help him concentrate. Given that their earlobes are erogenous zones, this suggestion is highly inappropriate to Quark.
  • Ishka talking to Quark after her bad break-up, and his causing financial disaster:
    Ishka: (tenderly) I know you think about yourself first, but right now... I DON'T CARE!
  • Quark talking to Brunt one last time.
    Quark: Now, get back in the closet where you belong!
    Brunt: It's not over, Quark!
    Quark: Don't make me come in there after you!

Soldiers Of The Empire

  • "Soldiers of the Empire" starts with General Martok in the infirmary after getting injured while training in a holosuite (he'd spent two years in a Dominion POW Camp, lost an eye, and said his reflexes were dulled). Julian tells him off for being a moron, and after some back-and-forth grumbling Martok thanks him for fixing him up.
    Julian: You really want to thank me? Don't walk in here dripping blood anymore. It takes days to get it out of the carpet!
    • What sells the moment is Bashir's smile a few moments after he says it. It's clear that he has been waiting to say something like this.
  • As Worf prepares to board the Rotarran, Jadzia follows him. He tells her that he'd rather that they didn't have any lengthy goodbyes. She agrees, then follows him as he starts to board. When he tries to stop her again, she casually informs him she's taken leave and is joining the crew.
    Worf: Why did you not tell me?
    Dax: It's more fun this way.
    • It gets better when you apply some fridge logic. As Worf is the Rotarran's executive officer, there's no way that he wouldn't have known that Jadzia joined its crew as a bridge officer...unless Martok deliberately kept it from him. That means that Jadzia and Martok must have conspired to screw with Worf.
  • The officers aboard the Rotarran stare at Jadzia when she arrives on the bridge. She shouts, "Boo!" to get them to stop.
  • Later, in the mess hall, she's given some grief about the fact that she and Worf are in a romantic relationship.
    Dax: On this trip, my bed is as empty as yours, Leskit. Except mine is empty by choice.

Children Of Time

  • Though it's a major Downer Ending episode, "Children of Time" has one of the funniest Worf moments in Star Trek:
    Gabriel: Are you the son of Mogh?
    Worf: Yes.
    Gabriel: Is it true you can kill someone just by looking at them?
    Worf: (Beat) Only when I am angry.

Blaze Of Glory

  • In "Blaze Of Glory" there's an interesting off-screen story of how Quark made one of his patrons freak out by sharing his opinion that the Dominion was going to win the war and kill everyone on the station. The poor guy hits Quark with a barstool, runs screaming through the promenade and surprises a meditating Kira by bursting into the Bajoran Shrine completely naked and crying for the Prophets to protect him. What makes it hilarious is the identity of the patron: Morn. Wow.
    • And what makes it even funnier is both Bashir's silent appalled reaction to Quark's prophecies of doom, and the utterly deadpan way Odo dryly summarizes it all:
      Odo: And that's when Morn hit you with a barstool and ran onto the promenade screaming "We're all doomed."
      Quark: Some people just don't react well to stress.

Empok Nor

  • Nog reporting for the mission with his relativelynote  huge phaser rifle held at Port Arms.

In The Cards

  • "In the Cards", just in general. "The entire future of the galaxy may depend on us tracking down Willie Mays ... and stopping him."
    • To put the above quote in context: Nog and Jake are scurrying around the station trying to get a Willie Mays rookie baseball card for Captain Sisko. Weyoun is wondering what the heck is going on and abducts them to interrogate them. After their first story falls flat (that they were trying to get Sisko a baseball card), they tell this hugely over the top story about how the guy in the card is in fact a time traveler. Weyoun says that he believes them. Nog, in utter disbelief, asks "You do?" (Weyoun believes their first story and sends them on their way.)
    • Worf staring intently at some wall art.
      Sisko: Worf, you've been paroled. You can go now.
    • In the beginning during the gloomy dinner, Nog keeps trying to clean up, including the alcohol. Everyone keeps taking it from him and giving him the side-eye.
    • Jake and Nog spend the majority of the episode busily working on their Chain of Deals to obtain the baseball card. At one point Worf has Nog use his Ferengi hearing to detect and remove subharmonic distortions from his Klingon opera recordings. The fact that Worf is just anal enough to want to get rid of distortions he isn't even capable of hearing is hilarious.
    • Jake very earnestly explaining to Odo the nature of Giger's work: "It's a device used to keep the cells in your body from getting bored. You see, he was going to transmit messages to people's cells to keep them entertained so they wouldn't die off and as a result these people would... live forever."
      • Cut to the Promenade and Nog fretting about Odo charging them with filing false reports.
    • Don't forget about Jake guilt-tripping Nog into helping him in the first place. Nog realizes it immediately, but can't resist the power of Jake's Ham.
      • Jake tries using Picard's words about "bettering themselves and the rest of humanity" to explain why they don't have money. Nog is confused as to what it actually means, to which Jake gives the flustered reply "It means we don't need money."note  Double-punch of funny — Nog's reply.
        Nog: Well, if you don't need money, then you certainly don't need mine!
    • Giger goes missing, Nog and Jake go to deliver some material to him and can't find. After visiting Odo, and being dismissed, Jake recalls that someone for the Kai was bidding on the same thing that held the baseball card. This results in Jake and Nog going up to Kai Winn and Jake saying, "We need to talk." Quick cut to a pissed-off Sisko, in his office in Ops:
      Sisko: You accused the Kai of burglary and kidnapping?!?
    • There is something hilarious about Weyoun kneeling on the floor trying to hear Giger's machine better, accompanied by a whole team of Jem'Hadar sweeping it with tricorders. You can just imagine the Jem'Hadar are thinking, "Dammit Omet'iklan, why'd you have to kill Weyoun 4? Weyoun 5 is so paranoid ..."
    • When Jake and Nog meet Giger, he says, "Let me ask you a simple question. Do you want to die?". Jake replies, "... Not really."
  • When Jake has to add humor to a speech about irrigation, he tries adding a pun about the subject being "dry", only for Nog to bluntly tell him it's not funny.
  • During the montage at the end, Leeta is seen searching for the teddy bear the boys gave back to Bashir.
  • Giger asks for anaerobic metabolites in hydrosaline solution. The boys ask Bashir for some, with Nog saying that it's a "surprise for someone". Bashir quips, "They're not going to drink it, are they?", to which Jake says, "I don't know. Is he?".

Call To Arms

  • Garak reminisces to Odo about the events in "Way of the Warrior".
    Garak: When the Klingons attacked the station, Gul Dukat and I were fighting side by side. At one point, he turned his back to me, and I must admit that, for a moment, he made a very tempting target.
    Odo: You'd shoot a man in the back?
    Garak: Well, it's the safest way, isn't it?
  • Leeta wants Sisko (being the Emissary) to perform her wedding to Rom. So how does Rom ask him?
    "Will you marry me? I mean, us? I mean...will you perform our wedding?"
  • Garak is showing off a total of 153 wedding dresses from various cultures and Leeta has hated them all. He shows off one...revealing outfit.
    Rom: I like it. Don't you?
    Leeta: Rom, it's two handkerchiefs and a loin cloth!
    Rom: I suppose we could lose the handkerchiefs.
    Leeta: Ferengi tradition or no Ferengi tradition, I am not going to be naked at my wedding!
    Rom: Who said anything about naked? You'll still have the loincloth!
    • Of course, being naked at one's own wedding is actually Betazoid tradition.

    Season 6 

A Time To Stand

  • Worf and Dax have been separated from each other for five weeks, and when they're reunited, Martok says that there is a matter that has been weighing heavily on Worf's mind — Dax scheduled the ritual targ sacrifice for after the feast, not before. Martok mutters to Sisko that Worf hasn't shut up about the wedding the whole time they were gone.
    Dax: Okay, have it your way. First we'll shed blood, then we'll feast.
    Worf: As it should be.
    • Then, when Sisko offers a comment about how he suggests a small wedding...
      Dax: Well, you get married the way you want, and I'll get married the way I want. (very pointed gesture to Worf)
  • In the previous episode, Jake had stayed behind on the station to cover the Dominion occupation of Bajor for the Federation news service. When he finds out that the Dominion is blocking his reports from being sent out, he tries to invoke "freedom of the press". Weyoun gives him a stare and says (in an almost pitying tone), "Please tell me you're not that naive..."

Rocks And Shoals

  • In "Rocks and Shoals", Sisko's crew is in pretty dire straits; they've just crashlanded on a hostile planet, having to abandon their ship and swim to shore. They're lightyears from any help, there're still enemies in the area, and Dax has been severely injured. Then, as they're crawling up onto the beach, we get this:
    O'Brien: Ah, no.
    Sisko: What?
    O'Brien: Oh, I don't believe it!
    Sisko: What?
    O'Brien: I tore my pants!
    Sisko: You... you tore your pants? (begins to laugh)
    O'Brien: (also begins to laugh) ...Yeah, I tore my pants!
    Everyone else: (is laughing by this point)
    O'Brien: I guess, I guess I'm really in trouble now, huh?
  • Later, Garak informs him it's an easy fix. Unfortunately, Garak's sewing kit is still on the submerged ship, so...
  • When Garak and Nog are sent to scan the area for fresh water and vegetation, the former notices that the latter is deliberately staying behind him (to the point of stopping when he stops) and demands to know why.
    Garak: Does this have anything to do with that unfortunate business between you and me last year?
    Nog: You tied me up and threatened to kill me.
    Garak: There were extenuating circumstances!

Behind The Lines

  • "I just shared a bottle of kanar... with, Damar! Hehehe, that rhymes!"
    • And Quark talking of why he can't stand Jem'Hadar. "They just sit there. Staaaaaring...."
    • Drunk Quark in general is a scene stealer.
      Quark: Why didn't you think of that when you set up the minefield?
      Rom: Uh...I don't know.
      Quark: (mockingly) Duh, he doesn't know.
    • Also, while drunk, he can't tell the difference between "defector" and "deflector".
  • Dukat and Weyoun's posturing and competition when the Founder shows up, until she tells them to Dispense with the Pleasantries.

Favor The Bold

  • The battle for Deep Space Nine, control of the wormhole, and the entire future of the Star Trek universe ultimately hinges on... Morn taking birthday presents home to his mother.

Sacrifice of Angels

  • Quark and Ziyal bring a Hasperat souffle to the security office, ostensibly to give to Major Kira. The Cardassian at the front desk immediately starts checking it with a pen to see if something is smuggled inside.
    Quark: Stop poking it! [meekly, seeing guard look up at him suspiciously] I-it's very delicate.
    [Ziyal knocks the distracted guard out with a hypospray, and he falls face-first into the souffle with a plop]
    Quark: Now you've ruined it.
  • Quark, dual-wielding phasers, surprises the Jem'Hadar guarding the cells that Major Kira, Rom, Jake, and Leeta are being held in.
    Quark: All right, no one move!
    Rom: Brother! I knew you would come.
    Quark: It's a surprise to me. Now, just keep calm and stay where you are. Understand? Don't move. You, open the holding cells. [sees neither of the guards moving to open the cells] I said, open the holding cells.
    Ziyal: You just told them not to move.
    Quark: Right. Nobody moves, except you.
  • In spite of the deadly gravity of the situation, there's something hilarious about this exchange Sisko has with the Prophets.
    Sisko: Return me to my ship!
    [the scene shifts to a Prophet-vision version of the Defiant bridge]
    Sisko: That isn't what I meant!
  • Weyoun's almost jaunty reaction upon realizing the Dominion forces are going to have to abandon DS9.

You Are Cordially Invited

  • Worf and Martok are conversing about whether Jadzia can sufficiently impress Martok's wife Lady Sirella, who has veto power over the marriage (being that it would be bringing an outsider into House Martok, which is the lady's purview). Martok reveals that Sirella doesn't like Worf either, but then:
    Martok: Don't let that bother you. I had every right to bring you into the family and she's accepted the fact that there's nothing she can do about it.
    Worf: (completely deadpan) How comforting.
    Martok: (stares at him, then bursts out laughing) And they say that you have no sense of humor. BA HA HA HA HA HA!
  • When the crew of Deep Space Nine have agreed to join Worf's Klingon Stag Party, which is like a human bucks party, minus the fun and with added pain.
    Scene shows O'Brien and Bashir hanging by the arms over hot rocks.
    Bashir: Miles... it's working. I've had a vision, about the future. I can see it so clearly.
    O'Brien: What is it?
    Bashir: I'm gonna kill Worf. I'm gonna kill Worf. That's what I'm gonna do. I can see it clearly now, I'm going to kill... him...
  • As part of the Klingon marriage tradition, Sisko, O'Brien, and Bashir are required to assault the newlyweds immediately after they tie the knot. After the ordeal they've been through, O'Brien and Bashir are... enthusiastic about this.
    Martok: NOW!
    (Smash to Black; thumping noises)
  • The first sign of trouble is, rather than the 4-day party the humans expected, they begin a 4-day fast and deal with extreme heat. This is the "Deprivation", the first of six stages. What are the other five? "Blood, pain, sacrifice, anguish, and death" - words you never want to hear from a Klingon in your direction.
    • What makes matters worse is that the ceremony is usually supposed to take much longer. When Bashir is astonished at having to do it for "four days," Martok replies that it is a shame that they have so little time, but they will have to make do.
    • Immediately after the stages are listed:
      Bashir: Sounds like marriage, all right.
      O'Brien: How would you know?
    • Although it's notable that Martok and Worf are not present in the scenes where O'Brien and Bashir are undergoing deprivation, suggesting that the two Klingons are having a joke at the humans' expense.
    • Also absent during these scenes are Sisko and Alexander, the two most likely to call BS on what Worf and Martok are saying as they have better experience with "Klingon Klaptrap," lending more credence to the thought that this is a joke at O'Brien and Bashir's expense.
    • And O'Brien and Bashir can't catch a break - they get a reprieve from the fasting when Dax and Worf call the wedding off, and just when they're about to get served a full course meal by Quark, they find out the wedding - and thus, the bachelor's fast - is back on. And you know that Quark still billed them for the food.
      Sisko: Quark, take it all away. No food for those on the path to Kal'Hyah.
      Quark: No refunds for those on the path to Kal'Hyah as well. Sorry.
  • The Klingon wedding ceremony involves swordplay and a promise by each to slay the other's enemies, which is written into the vows—because, well, of course it would be.
  • The first trial of Worf's "bachelor party" requires ritual bloodletting. Worf and Martok ask for volunteers while their backs are turned, and Sisko, Alexander, and O'Brien take a step back without alerting Julian, making it seem like he "volunteered."
    Worf: I did not expect it to be you, Doctor.
    Bashir: [looks meaningfully at the others] Neither did I.
  • According to the family chronicle of Sirella, Klingons tried democratic elections once. Klingons being Klingons, they refer to it as "the dark times".
  • The morning after Jadzia's bachelorette party, she and Worf are having a serious discussion - which is interrupted by the discovery of Kira and Odo in Jadzia's closet.
    • Also, during said party, Morn dances, and Kira says she can decide when the party stops, being the first officer.
    • Nog leaping around, while Dax makes cat-like dance moves.
  • Quark's summation of why the wedding's been called off:
    Quark: She says it's because he's a pig-headed, stubborn man who puts tradition before everything else. He says it's because she's a frivolous, emotional woman who refuses to take him or his culture seriously. You can see the problem.
    O'Brien: They're both right.
    Quark: Exactly.


  • When Kira explains to the Mirror Bareil that they will have to climb up 57 levels in order to get to the landing pad. The man let's out an audible sigh at the very thought.
  • Mirror Bareil's interactions with Intendent Kira, he seems more annoyed by her erratic behavior than intimidated by her.

Statistical Improbabilities

  • Jack (the leader of a group of genetically-engineered people) starts a "party" by putting music on and party hats on everyone. When O'Brien comes in to replace something, Patrick (another genetically-engineered person) gets all emotional because O'Brien didn't want a party hat, and therefore (according to his logic) doesn't like him.
  • Jack calls Bashir over to get rid of an annoying noise that only the augments (and, to some extent, Bashir) can hear. When Jack's impatience gets the best of him, he grabs Sarina and threatens to snap her neck if they don't deal with the noise. How does Bashir defuse the situation? By threatening to tell O'Brien that the noise went away on its own. And it works.
  • When O'Brien arrives to take care of the noise, Jack has some pointed words for him:
    Jack: "Well why don't you fix it, dear fellow, dear fellow? Well why don't you fix it, before I go mad!"

The Magnificent Ferengi

  • "The Magnificent Ferengi":
    • The look on Sisko's face when Quark and Rom accidentally pop out of the hatch in his office.
      Sisko: May I help you, gentlemen?
      Rom: (to Quark) I was following you!
      Quark: (to Sisko) Must have taken a wrong turn.
    • Quark and his recruited team of Ferengi associates failing miserably at a holosuite simulation for rescuing Ishka (Quark's mother) from the Dominion. Quark ends up getting shot in the leg, his cousin Gaila dropped his weapon and ran away while screaming, Rom ran into a wall, and Brunt tried to surrender (and got shot for his trouble). Seeing all of this happen, Leck decided to shoot Ishka, reasoning that he might as well "put her out of her misery" since the Ferengi clearly weren't able to rescue Ishka.
    • A Vorta is killed by a Ferengi, and his last words become "I HATE Ferengi."
    • Ishka giving Yelgrun financial pointers, with every indication that the latter actually appreciates the advice.
      • Becomes Heartwarming when you hear that Iggy Pop was terribly nervous at his foray into acting, and it was Cecily Adams, who was playing Ishka, who took him under her wing and mentored him throughout.
    • Rom not being quite as good at pulling a Weekend at Bernie's gambit as he thought he was.
      • Meaning they leave Keevan's corpse eternally walking into a wall.
  • Quark being shifty.
    Kira: "He's not to be trusted."
    Quark: "Neither am I."
  • When Quark finds Rom after searching for over an hour.
    Rom: "Now you hide and I'll search for you."
  • When Rom says, "No!" to Quark's news three times (sounding almost singsong due to the sound of his normal speaking voice), Quark says, "Will you stop saying that?!".

Who Mourns for Morn?

  • All of it, but especially the classic line:
    Quark: Someone's extracted all the latinum! There's nothing here but worthless gold!
    Odo: [savoring the Schadenfreude] And it's all yours.
    Quark: No! Nooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
    • Immediately after this, we cut to Quark wiping down the bar until he spots Morn's vacated bar stool and attempts to rip it out in a fit of rage. Though not too long after, he begins to think of how he can dispose of the gold with lesser civilizations that still find gold to be of value.
  • When Quark finds a woman lying in the pool of mud that Morn (apparently) slept in, he tells her to "Get out of my mud!".
  • One of the criminals claims that Morn (whose main shtick is that he's a barfly) was a prince. It turns out to be a lie, but that's still a funny thing to imagine.
  • Quark does a Happy Dance several times in this episode.
  • In shock over Morn's (presumed) death, Jadzia mentions to Worf that she once had a crush on him. Worf's astonishment only increases when Jadzia adds that Morn turned her down.

Far Beyond The Stars

  • The "donut battle" between Douglas (Odo) and Hebert (Quark), arguing over whether the donuts are stale, which — from Benny and Kay's comments — has been going on for quite some time.
  • Darlene's reaction to the description of her counterpart, Jadzia — "She's got a worm in her belly! Oh, that's disgustin'. That's interestin', but that's disgustin'." Especially considering she says the line in a thick New York accent.

One Little Ship

  • The basic premise of the episode is incredibly silly, shrinking a runabout, but the episode immediately acknowledges and lampshades it by Kira breaking into giggles on the bridge of the Defiant.
    Kira: So, how small are they?
    Nog: The miniaturization process won't begin until the runabout reaches the edge of the accretion disc.
    Kira: I see. And then they'll begin to shrink?
    Nog: Yes, sir.
    Sisko: Major, are you laughing at our investigation of this subspace anomaly?
    Kira: No, sir.
    Worf: The data collected here could provide Starfleet with the key to creating transwarp corridors through space. It could give us a substantial tactical advantage over the Dominion.
    Kira: It's very important research. What? I'm not laughing! Just because we are shrinking three people to the size of coffee cups! (completely cracks up)
    • Immediately after, Sisko starts laughing too.
    • It's expected that Worf, being... Worf would not be laughing. But then Nog, who comes up to about the sternum of most of the rest of the bridge crew, speaks up that he finds nothing funny about "being small."
  • O'Brien is a bit twitchy about being shrunk.
    O'Brien: I'm just not in love with the idea of being small. [Bashir smiles] What are you smirking at? You're as small as I am.
    Bashir: Actually, you're sitting 1.14 meters closer to the focal point of the anomaly, which means you've shrunk .04% more than I have.
  • The three take the runabout into the Defiant via a warp plasma conduit.
    Bashir: This conduit's filthy, Chief. Don't you ever clean up in here?
    Dax: All right, all right. Let's not badger the chief.
    O'Brien: Thank you.
    Bashir: I'm sorry. It was very small of me.
  • They have to open a door by bumping the runabout into a button.
    O'Brien: Don't hit it too hard. It could shatter the control panel.
    Dax: Don't worry. I have a light touch.
    Bashir: Not according to Worf.
  • Kudak'Etan, the new First, surprises his men by simply distributing the White without any ritual. One confused soldier starts to recite the loyalty pledge until Kudak'Etan hushes him, saying that they won't do that anymore.
  • And then there's the poem that Worf composes for Jadzia, of which he reads the opening:
    "This is the story of a little ship, that took a little trip."
    • And then Jadzia looks at his PADD and sees that there's nothing on it.
  • Odo trolling O'Brien and Bashir by implying that they're a little shorter than they should be after being unshrunk. Quark joins in on the prank, and enjoys a laugh with Odo when the other two leave in a panic.

Honor Among Thieves

  • It's a mostly dark episode but there's still comedy in how, without O'Brien around, everything on the station literally starts falling apart.

Change Of Heart

  • Jadzia and Worf's conversation in the runabout.
    Worf: I have a sense of humor. On the Enterprise I was considered quite amusing.
    Dax: That must have been one dull ship.
    Worf: That is a joke! I get it. It is not funny, but I get it.
  • When Worf visits the recuperating Jadzia at the end, she doesn't know what to say. When he prompts her to thank him for saving her life, she does so. When he prompts her to say she loves him, she does so. When he prompts her to say that she'd violate orders and get in trouble with Starfleet to save his life, she balks (or, more likely, pretends to balk as a joke) a bit. "My career is very important to me, you know."
  • At first Julian refuses to go along with Miles' plan to beat Quark at tongo. At first O'Brien appeals to him on the basis of it being a challenge and a chance to win money. Neither argument sways Julian. Finally Miles asks Julian to imagine the look on Quark's face when he loses at a Ferengi game to a "lowly human" (when it comes to money and gambling most Ferengi look down on humans for not using currency unless they absolutely have to). A significant pause, and Julian agrees to the plan.
  • Dax joking that needing her bandage changed so often must be a record, despite being in danger of dying.
    Worf: "This is no joking matter."

In The Pale Moonlight

  • One in the middle of the otherwise very dark episode "In the Pale Moonlight":
    Garak: I've locked him in his quarters. I've also left him with the distinct impression that if he attempts to force the door open, it may explode.
    Sisko: I hope that's just an impression.
    Garak: It's best not to dwell on such minutiae.
  • We're told that there are two versions of the fake Dominion of Romulus scenario that's presented to Vreenak, though we and Vreenak only to see the revised scenario, which Sisko feels is better because Weyoun and Damar seem "more real."
    Garak: Yes, and all I had to do was add a little petty bickering and mutual loathing.
  • Dax pretends to be a Romulan so Sisko can practice talking to them. When Sisko comments that Dax would make a good Romulan, she says that she'd prefer the spots to the Pointy Ears.
  • An unintentional one, but the way Vreenak exclaims "It's a faaaaaake!" is pretty hilarious.

His Way

  • "His Way": One of the stranger first kisses in TV history. Comparisons to the legendary first kiss of Sam and Diane are not unwarranted:
    Kira: Now—are we gonna have dinner together, or not?
    Odo: And if we do? Then what?
    Kira: I don't know!—Maybe we could go dancing?
    Odo: And after that? I suppose you'll expect me to kiss you!
    Kira: Well, it's possible!
    Odo: Well then, who needs dinner?—Why don't I just get it over with and kiss you right now?!
    Kira: Well WHY DON'T YOU?!?
    (Odo seizes her and gives her a Big Damn Kiss.)
    Kira: (Breathless and weak in the knees) You're right... who needs dinner...?
    (They resume kissing — quite intensely.)
    • Dax watching Odo snogging Kira with what can only be accurately described as a "Get it, girl!" expression on her face. Quark similarly has a "My main man just got some!" sort of smile on his face.
      • Meanwhile, the rest of the Promenade has ground to a halt in shock at the sight of Odo and Kira kissing.
    • Earlier, Quark was clearly enjoying himself baiting poor lovesick Odo:
      Quark: You're not exactly the most lovable person in the galaxy. You're not even the most lovable person in this sector. Or on the station. Or even in this room.
    • Odo's Adorkable smile as he "plays" the piano, ending with a "Cool!"
      • Followed up by his absently mumbling "No They're Not Going To Take That Away From Me" in Sisko's office... and Sisko joining in.
    • Vic using 60s slang, which goes completely over the heads of the Starfleet officers.

The Reckoning

  • The prophecy the episode revolves around has a translation problem. According to Dax, the last line says either that the Bajorans will suffer horribly... or eat fruit. For the record, no Bajorans (well, maybe Kai Winn) suffer horribly. Which means the Prophets actually bothered writing down that the Bajorans would indeed eat fruit.
    • Hilarious in Hindsight: If you rewatch the episode, you might notice there's an earlier scene where Kira's having breakfast with Odo... and she's eating fruit salad.

Profit And Lace

  • From "Profit and Lace":
    Grand Nagus Zek: Boys, we're going to reconquer an empire, or DIIIIIEE in the attempt!
    • The Running Gag of Nilva's... enthusiastic plugging of his cola:
    (Shoving a bottle in Nog's face) HERE!—Have a Slug-o-Cola!
    • Rom showing Quark how to walk like a female... and everyone stares at him.
    • Quark devoting to his "character" with Nilva: "When it comes to profit, I'm your girl...!"
  • Quark's alias is "Lumba" because he'd been "lumbering around".

Time's Orphan

  • Worf faces his greatest opponent: Kirayoshi O'Brien, and his stubborn refusal to sleep.

The Sound Of Her Voice

  • The crew is maintaining a continuous comlink with Captain Lisa Cusak who is stranded on a harsh planet, but Doctor Bashir is engrossed in his work and not paying her much attention, leading her to pull a hilarious Not Listening to Me, Are You? gambit on him...
    Voice: She's gone.
    Bashir: Who is this? What have you done?
    Voice: I have eaten her.
    Bashir: What?!
    Voice: I've eaten her! What difference does it make to you? You weren't even listening to her!
  • When Odo is quoting station regulations to Quark about how his bar stools are unsafe, he spins Morn's stool around to make a point, creating a hilarious juxtaposition of Morn spinning around on his stool confusedly while Odo keeps lecturing Quark how Morn might severely injure himself if he were to fall off the stool.

Tears Of The Prophets

  • Kira is very mad at Odo at the beginning of the episode, why? Because he arrested a Vedek for raising money for charity without a permit (Odo tries to defend himself by pointing he was only detained for an hour).
  • In an otherwise tragic episode, we get a cute moment with Dax and Worf discussing whether or not to have children. They go to the Holosuite for hours to talk about it, and when they come out everyone asks what they were talking about up there for so long.
    Worf: It is a private matter.
    Dax: We're thinking about having a baby!
    Worf: It was a private matter.
    • Quarks reaction to this news is to worry the kid will look like Worf.
  • The normally composed Weyoun almost has a rage stroke when he finds out that Dukat has somehow managed to make the wormhole, the only way Weyoun's people have to get home or receive reinforcements, disappear. Dukat is completely unfazed by this screw-up of Biblical proportions. The icing on the cake is Damar's quiet look of concern as he stands in the background.
    Weyoun: You mean to tell me that the wormhole is gone?!
    Dukat: I know things didn't go as well as we hoped but ...
    Weyoun: *turns head and makes indistinct scoffing noises while probably wishing he had Eris's telekinesis*

    Season 7 

Image in the Sand

  • When O'Brien explains that Worf has to win a glorious battle in Jadzia's name to get her into Sto-vo-kor, Quark offers to let Worf win a game of tongo.
    O'Brien: Not good enough. Not unless he has to carve his way through a hundred Jem'Hadar to get to the table.

Shadows And Symbols

  • Quark's reaction to getting his hand cut by a Klingon knife.
    Quark: (cries out in pain) That hurt!
    O'Brien: It's supposed to hurt.
  • Quark hoping that Worf will say "thank you" to him.
    Quark: All I'm asking for is two little words.
    Worf: (grabs Quark) BE QUIET!
    Quark: That's two words, all right, just not the two I was hoping for.
  • Also, Quark asking O'Brien "Well what're you waiting for, FIRE!" when the EM pulse is ready. When it's reported the EM pulse is working, an exhausted Quark simply goes "Great. Now, can we leave?"


  • As Ezri muses over what to order from the Replimat replicator in "Afterimage", you can see her raise her hand and drum her fingers in what is clearly an "eenie-meenie-miney-mo" gesture.
  • Ezri has a conversation with Sisko while standing on her head. It takes Sisko a full minute to ask her why she's standing on her head. Even funnier as he's on the floor so he can talk to her at eye level, clearly having decided to just roll with whatever she's doing.
  • There's also something unintentionally hilarious about seeing Captain Benjamin Sisko, commander of the station, Emissary of the Prophets and hero of the Dominion War...lying on the floor like a stereotypical schoolgirl at a slumber party and talking like he's trying to get his friend to ask out her longtime crush.
  • Sisko's reaction to Ezri telling him that he intimidates Worf is to heartily laugh.
    Ezri: You like that, don't you?
    Sisko [trying not to laugh and failing]: Of course not.
    Ezri: Come on. I've been a man, I know.
    • Later on when Ezri uses Worf as a reason not to stay, Sisko says that if Worf has a problem with it...
    Sisko: (completely straight-faced, serious tone) You just say the word and I will intimidate him for you.
  • Two episodes earlier, O'Brien spent half the night drinking with Worf to get him to open up about what's bothering him. In this episode he shows up with a bottle again and Worf groans "oh no, not again."
    • Even funnier when you take into account that in that episode, O'Brien complains about Worf matching him drink for drink, meaning each one thinks the other is the unstoppable hard-drinking lunatic.
    • He's also sharpening his Bat'leth as O'Brien walks in, after threatening Bashir and Quark for interacting with Ezri.
  • At one point, Quark is being treated by Bashir, screaming bloody murder while he's fishing around Quark's ear with a pair of forceps. Bashir then pulls out a broken off piece of metal around 5 inches wide out of Quark's ear, who then comments that he knew he shouldn't have let an amateur perform a "tympanic tickle" on him. Bashir doesn't know the term so Quark offers to elaborate, but Bashir prefers to not know any more on the subject.

Take Me Out To The Holosuite

  • The episode "Take Me Out to the Holosuite" gets its kicks in this category. O'Brien making Scotch-flavored chewing gum and Odo practicing his umpire-manship are classic in their own rights, but Worf's lines throughout are comedy gold.
    Sisko: All right Niners, let's hear some chatter!
    Niners: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Swing batter!

    O'Brien: He didn't touch home, Nog!
    Nog: Well, what do I do?
    Worf: Find him and KILL him!!
    • What makes it even funnier is that Worf grew up in a Federation colony and played human sports (which sadly includes accidentally killing another boy while playing soccer) so he likely well understands 'chatter' — he's just choosing to play the 'angry Klingon' up to the hilt.
  • Possibly the earliest moment in the episode: Sisko announces just what game their "clash of the Titans" is going to be. Kira looks up at him with an expression that screams "I hate you," "My commanding officer is a twelve-year-old boy," "I want a transfer," and "I am going to get you for this," all without saying a single word. Poor woman.
    • Even better? Earlier in the series, she had admitted that she viewed him as a messenger of her gods. Now think of this situation in that light.
  • When Worf and Sisko argue with umpire Odo over the called third strike on Worf.
    Sisko: You can't tell me that ball was over the plate. What were you doing, regenerating?!
  • Speaking of Odo, the look on his face when he ejects Solok from the game for touching the umpire.
  • Benjamin Sisko, a man who has faced down Cardassians, Klingons, Jem'Hadar and actual celestial beings without breaking a sweat...completely and utterly loses it over a baseball game.
  • At one point the enemy captain watches the crew practice. Worf states if he is conducting reconnaissance, he must fear their team. Rom goes up to bat. After spinning around, landing on the ground, and throwing the bat, the enemy captain just leaves.
  • After the game, when Solok makes yet another remark about humans.
    Ezri: Human? Did I forget to wear my spots today?
    Quark: All that intelligence and he still doesn't know what a human looks like.
    • To the point that Solok leaves in a glorious huff.
  • At one point we see nearly the entire team in the infirmary, for a variety of crazy injuries. At first it seems as though Sisko has been working them too hard, until we start to hear more vague hints about the Noodle Incidents. Turns out Rom was responsible for every single one (except for Ezri, who tried to channel previous host Emony and failed). Rom, naturally, is one of the only ones completely unharmed.
  • Rom's actor (Max Grodenchik) apparently was such a good baseball player in real life that he couldn't fake being bad effectively enough, so they made him play with his off hand.
  • After Rom accidentally bunts the ball and his teammates celebrate his helping Nog score a run, the leader of the Vulcan team takes the field to complain and taps Odo on the shoulder. He realizes his error a moment too late. Odo takes absolute glee in ejecting him from the game.
  • Just the sight of Odo in his office practicing his umpire calls, in that hokey voice. Kira's "my cup runneth over" face is awesome.
  • After Kasidy makes Sisko tell her the story of why he and Solok don't get along, he makes her promise not to tell the Niners. She agrees...and one Gilligan Cut later, she's told the team everything.


Treachery, Faith And The Great River

  • Often overlooked as an "O'Brien must suffer" episode, "Treachery, Faith, and the Great River", Sisko orders O'Brien to repair the Defiant in an impossible amount of time. To procure a part that the chief won't be able to get in time using the normal channels, Nog uses O'Brien's access code to pull off a string of horse trades worthy of Corporal Klinger. Of course many of these trades are borderline illegal, and as the episode goes on, it seems increasingly likely that O'Brien will be facing a court martial, demoted, and possibly murdered by Martok.
    O'Brien: I don't know how you did it, Nog.
    Nog: I never lost faith in the Great Material Continuum.
    O'Brien: Ah, like you say, the river will provide.
    Martok: Chief!
    O'Brien: The waters just got choppy again.
    • And speaking of rivers, there's Nog talking about the rewards of navigating the river known as the Great Material a guy whose river adventures frequently land him in the infirmary.
    • One of the people Nog deals with is an unseen officer, Al Lorenzo, who likes to take pictures of himself sitting behind famous captains' desks (even Picard gets name-checked). As part of a trade, Nog loans out Sisko's desk to Lorenzo, and it goes missing while Sisko is away. O'Brien's attempt to simply replace the desk leave a lot to be desired.
      O'Brien: What do you think?
      Bashir: It's white.
      O'Brien: I know it's white, I'm gonna paint it.
      Bashir: It's the wrong shape, the wrong height, the wrong width. Other than that, it's perfect. The captain will never suspect you switched desks on him.
      O'Brien: Julian, I need help, not sarcasm.
      Bashir: I'm afraid Nog is the only one that can help you now.
      O'Brien: If he gets back to the station before the captain does.
      Bashir: Maybe he's not coming back. Maybe he's decided to make a run for it.
      (Kira enters and looks at the new desk)
      Kira: That isn't the captain's desk!
      Bashir: He's gonna paint it.
      Kira: Get it out of here!
    • Note that when hearing the list of famous Starfleet captains whose desks Lorenzo has gotten photos with, O'Brien loses it when presented with the implication that this guy snuck into his old boss's office.
  • Weyoun eating pepperoni pizza... with chopsticks.
  • The mere fact that there are two Weyouns currently active gives Damar two reasons to hate his life.
    Damar: Clones...keeping track of them is a full-time job.
    • Making it all the funnier, in a dark sense, is that, because the Vorta are clones, killing one of them is (Weyoun 6's turning on the Dominion notwithstanding) little more than an inconvenience, since their next iteration will be right back at work the next day, it is all but stated that Damar arranged Weyoun 5's death, and he and Weyoun 7 are in an I Know You Know I Know dance about it, with Damar not admitting it and Weyoun 7 not having enough evidence to accuse him. Since it had no practical effect, Damar must have killed Weyoun 5 purely for shits 'n giggles.

Once More Unto The Breach

  • When Ezri suggests that Kira might make a good counselor, Kira acts out how a session might go.
    "You dreamed about what? You're crazy. Now get out of my office. Next patient."

The Siege Of AR-558

  • Rom tries to get an opening act at Vic's show by singing "The Lady is a Tramp". Vic tries to let him down easy by telling him he actually needs a comic who can make the audience laugh:
    Rom: I can do that! My brother tells me people are always laughing at me!


It's Only A Paper Moon

  • Nog refuses to leave the holodeck after being shaken by his experience in "The Siege Of AR-558." During a meeting, the team discuss the ramifications of his behavior, when Quark just has to be Quark:
    Quark: And just who is going to pay for all this holodeck time?
    [everyone slowly looks at him]
    Sisko: And it's very generous of you.
  • Bashir's more and more indignant and defensive hey replies as Quark calls his Vic Fontaine program adolescent and the others mention the other programs that could be "worse".
    • Making it even better is the fact that only two of the listed programs - Vic's and the spy game from 'Our Man Bashir' are actually Julian's. The rest of them are Chief O'Brien's, and even Julian thought that the Viking program (the one that finally pushes him too far) was a bit silly at first.

Prodigal Daughter

  • A shipment of gagh arriving on DS9 during "Prodigal Daughter". Ordered by Jadzia before her death, Ezri experiences some rather nauseating memories of how different varieties taste... and wriggle.
    Ezri: I can remember what each one tastes like... and the way they... move when you swallow them. Torgud gagh wiggles. Filden gagh squirms. Meshta gagh jumps. [...] Bithool gagh has feet. (Beat) Flush it out the airlock—all of it.
    Odo: Mm-nn. Environmental regulations.
    Kira: Well, why don't you just give it to Martok?
    Ezri: (Wryly beams) He'd insist on sharing it with me, as a point of honor. (Beat) Wistan gagh is packed in targ blood... (Beat) I have to go now.

The Emperor's New Cloak

  • In The Emperor's New Cloak, mirror-Garak is about to execute Quark, Rom and Zek. The trio then berate him for not being as competent and sophisticated as their Garak. An irritated and confused mirror-Garak then asks:
    Mirror-Garak: I don't understand. Is this Garak of yours an assassin or a tailor?
    (all together)
    Quark: Assassin.
    Rom: Tailor.
    Zek: Both.
  • When the Regent, aka. Mirror Worf, is first shown in the episode, he sneezes loudly as a result of trying out Zek's beetle snuff and saying he likes it. By the end of the episode, his ship has been rendered completely useless thanks to Rom sabotaging the cloaking device, forcing him to surrender to the Alliance and is taken as their prisoner: thus, in the most literal sense of word, Worf Had the Flu.

Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang

  • You know the episode's gonna go in a different direction when Vic Fontaine's lounge suddenly changes into a seedy lounge with a cabaret act. After meeting Frankie Eyes and his bodyguard, O'Brien attempts to instruct the holosuite computer:
    O'Brien: Let me handle this. Computer, delete characters Frankie Eyes and..., uh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
    Bodyguard: Cicci. (pronounced like Cheech from Cheech & Chong)
    Bashir: Cicci! (shouting so O'Brien can hear over the noise)
    O'Brien: ...Cicci, from the holosuite's program.
    (Beat, nothing happens)
    Cicci: (turning to Frankie) What's a holosuites?
    Frankie: Beats me.
  • A little later, Odo and Kira are investigating — while Kira distracts Frankie, Cicci (who turns out to have a first name, Tony) is amazed by Odo's shapeshifting (Odo's using said ability to make it look like his arm can stretch out to retrieve a mug). Cicci asks where Odo's from:
    Odo: Bajor.
    Cicci: That's in Jersey, right?
    Odo: Right.
  • Cicci is seen hassling a waiter over a bad cheesesteak, slapping him with said cheesesteak and telling him that he wants a real cheesesteak "And I don't care if you have to fly to Philadelphia to get it!", topped off by Cicci stuffing the cheesesteak into the guy's mouth.
  • When the DS9 crew— fully kitted out in 60s attire— does a Team Power Walk up to Vic's to enact their plan (with a jazzy version of the main theme playing in the background), we pan over to Quark and Morn, who are Locked Out of the Loop:
    Quark: I'm telling you Morn, something's going on in Vic's that we don't know about.

Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges

  • Ross, trying his first sip of Romulan ale ever and discovering just how potent the stuff was. He apparently was one of the few Starfleet officers who actually did not touch that particular Forbidden Fruit.
    Bashir: Need a medical team, sir?
    Admiral Ross: No, thank you.
    Kimara Cretak: Don't tell me this is your first glass of Romulan ale.
    Admiral Ross: Well, it was...(coughing)...illegal.
    Kimara Cretak: That never stopped most of your colleagues.

Strange Bedfellows

  • Weyoun threatening to turn Worf and Dax over to Damar if they do not respond to interrogation:
    Legate Damar: It is my duty to inform you that you will be turned over to a Cardassian tribunal, where you will be tried as war criminals.
    Ezri Dax: War criminals? What are the charges?
    Legate Damar: That is not necessary for you to know. All you need to know is that you will be found guilty and executed.
    • Damar's case of the giggles after Worf catches Weyoun off-guard and snaps his neck. (Jeffrey Combs has a wonderfully startled expression when this happens, while Damar busts out laughing.) This doesn't slow Weyoun down much, but he's miffed that Damar "finds the death of my predecessor so amusing."
      Damar: The execution is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Fourteen hundred hours.
      Weyoun: Have they agreed to cooperate?
      Damar: No. [Beat as he tries and fails to keep a straight face] Maybe you should talk to Worf again!
      • As a bonus, Damar's bottle of kanar in this scene has a twisted neck. One more "screw you" to Weyoun, perhaps?
    • Also, Damar's advice to Ezri and Worf:
      Damar: They'll just make another copy of him, you know. You should've killed me, there's only one Damar.
    • Later in the same episode, as Weyoun frets about Ezri and Worf's escape and having to inform his Founder of this, Damar (who's feeling even less sympathy for him than for his predecessor) cheerfully remarks "I'm sure she'll understand... but if she doesn't, I look forward to meeting Weyoun 9."
    • Damar cheerfully greeting the replacement Weyoun with barely restrained delight at his predecessor's death:
      Damar: Well, helloooo! [laughs while shaking his head at how ridiculous the whole situation is]
    • It's also amusing when Weyoun remarks that Damar seems different, almost half-dressed, oh, that's it, he's not holding a bottle... only to commit the colossal blunder of misinterpreting Damar's new optimism to be due to the Dominion forces' recent victory, rather than his having determined this to be the ideal moment to backstab them all (starting with Weyoun).
    • Since Damar was just hours away from turning rebel and he knew it, he was extra salty the whole episode releasing some seriously pent-up frustrations towards Weyoun.

The Changing Face Of Evil

  • Despite the wrongness of their relationship and the fact that they're planning to release the Pah-Wraiths, Kai Winn has a somewhat funny response to "Anjohl" trying to flatter her.
    "Anjohl": I am but a moon made warm by the light of your sun.
    Winn: I hope you're a better farmer than you are a poet.
  • Damar's apparent reasoning for attacking the Dominion cloning facility on Rondac III: that's where the new Weyouns come from.
    Weyoun: (terrified) I could be the last Weyoun.
  • Worf tells Ezri that Miles and Julian are children playing with their Alamo model. Then he stops mocking the idea in general and turns to the hopelessness of the task, saying that the Alamo needed more men. Ezri teases him by saying he should go down to "help" Miles and Julian. Shades of "the lady doth protest too much, methinks."
    • And it comes up again when Miles complains about Julian losing the figurine of Colonel Travis.
      Worf: He plays with toys.
      Ezri: It's a model.
      Worf: With little figures.

When It Rains...

  • Martok is inducted into the Order of Kahless with Sisko and Admiral Ross in attendance of the ceremony. It begins, as most Klingon ceremonies do, with Palm Bloodletting. Sisko and Ross watch Gowron, then Martok, slice their palms open, and Sisko says to Ross that they're next. It takes a moment to sink in for Ross, and when it does, the look on his face is priceless.
    • Cut to later, and their hands are now bandaged.
      Ross: It still stings.
      Sisko: That's what the bloodwine's for.

Tacking Into The Wind

  • A meta moment, but after Gowron's death was filmed, Robert O'Reilly was just left on the floor (since it's impossible for someone to get up while in full-Klingon dress and makeup), prompting him to remark "boy, once they kill you off, they forget all about you."
    • Also, Michael Dorn's reaction to learning he'd kill Gowron was to find O'Reilly and apologize.
  • Ezri and Worf trying to discuss Martok approving of Ezri as Jadzia's successor.
    Ezri: It's very sweet of him.
    Worf: Sweet?
    Ezri: Not a very Klingon word, is it?
    Worf: No.
    Ezri: It's very...honorable?
    Worf: Better...albeit a little obvious.
  • Although the overall context is grim (Gowron trying to get Martok killed or discredited because he fears the popular general will attempt to seize power), there's something funny about the delivery of his response to Martok's apparent grievous injuries, seemingly because even he seems to realize that he probably has overplayed his hand a little, right to Sisko's face and needs to backtrack his prior bluster and feigned outrage.
    Gowron: He is expected to survive...
    • Said with a shrug in a "I don't see what you're complaining about" tone.

Extreme Measures

  • The scene in "Extreme Measures" when Julian is trying to convince Miles that he loves him more than Keiko.
    O'Brien: Julian, you are beginning to annoy me!
  • The look on Sisko's face and his little 'oh' when Bashir and O'Brien inform him that they're planning to obtain certain information through the use of illegal Romulan memory probes. You can just see him thinking, "This is going to be one of those plans." Meanwhile, Bashir annd O'Brien look nervous like a couple of naughty boys waiting for their father to scold them for getting in trouble.
  • Julian remarks that the liquor that he and O'Brien are going to celebrate with is older than he is. Miles barks "What?!" in disbelief, grabs the bottle, looks at it, sighs, and starts to pour, saying, "I'm drinking with a child!"
    • The dirty look he flashes to Julian is just the cap to the exchange.

The Dogs Of War

  • Mila relates to Kira, Garak, and Damar one of the rumors being told, with humorous results...
    Mila: Oh, you should hear the stories. "Damar is alive." "My cousin saw him on Kelvas Prime." "He faked his own death." "He is plotting a new offensive from his secret mountain hideaway."
    Garak: You never told me you had a secret mountain hideaway.
    Damar (grim smile, almost completely deadpan): I was going to surprise you.
    • Earlier, there's something funny about how the three of them lie on their backs with matching expressions of disinterest and despair, speaking in the same tones, recounting their failure.
  • Quark, upset by the changes to Ferengi society, makes a pronouncement that's hilarious if you recognize it from Star Trek: First Contact.
    Quark: The line has to be drawn here! This far and no farther!note 
    • Zek promptly turns to Ishka and asks "Are you sure we picked the right brother?!"
  • After Bashir and Ezri have decided to be just friends, they take the lift to Ops. Once it reaches Ops, we find them locked in a passionate everyone else in Ops watches confusion. Worf eventually hits a button to send the lift back down, either to give them some privacy, or because he was getting uncomfortable watching. (Probably both.)

What You Leave Behind

  • During the final party the O'Briens are discussing where to live when they move back to Earth. Various hometown suggestions are made. Worf keeps offering Minsk. Rule of Three applies and is used well.
    • Each repetition is more aggressive, to the point that the final 'Minsk' almost sounds like a threat.
  • Admiral Ross's reaction to the Cardassians switching sides upon having enough of their Dominion oppressors and thus winning them the battle by shifting it from a three-to-three to a four-to-two advantage.
    Admiral Ross: I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for the Cardassians.
  • Garak, Kira, and Damar are locked outside of Dominion headquarters. They underestimated the amount of explosive that they'd need to break in, so they're trapped. Leaving isn't an option and they're running out of time. Garak, then Kira, then Damar and the others laugh about the sheer irony that they can't sacrifice their lives in battle because the door is locked. All of them needed the catharsis after the weeks of oppression and hiding that they've been doing.
    Garak: (giggling) Here we are, ready to storm the castle, willing to sacrifice our lives in a noble effort to slay the Dominion beast in its lair! (one of Damar's lackeys starts to smile, Kira starts to laugh) We can't even get inside the gates!
    Kira: (giggling) Maybe, maybe we could go up to the door (makes a knocking gesture) and ask the Jem'Hadar to let us in!
    Damar: (finally smiles) Or just have them send the shapeshifter out to us! (everyone laughs)
  • Kira and Quark's final interaction is a humorous callback to their final scene together in "Emissary": Quark again getting mischevious and Kira again having to threaten him.
    Kira: As of this moment, betting pools of any kind are illegal on this station. I catch someone placing a bet, I put you in a holding cell for fifteen days. Is that clear?
    Quark: 15 days?! [beat] Can I bring my own pillow?
    Kira: Quark!

  • This action figure commercial, from Quark hawking the toys to security (presumably Odo) showing up.
  • This fanvid combining so many of the funny moments from the show....with "Last Friday Night". It works surprisingly well.
  • Armin Shimerman once told a story during an interview of how the 1994 Northridge Earthquake struck during filming of Season Two's "Profit and Loss". The quake was significant enough that he rushed home to make sure his wife was okay. Thing was, he rushed so fast that he didn't have time to remove all the Ferengi prosthetics and ended up driving fast enough that he got pulled over. He ended the story with the cop walking up to the car to reveal a space alien in the driver's seat.