WARNING: Spoilers are unmarked.
1x01 - The Man Trap
- This exchange between Spock and Uhura:Uhura: Mr. Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word "frequency" again, I'll cry.
Uhura: I was just trying to make conversation.
Spock: Well, since it is illogical for a communications officer to resent the word "frequency," I have no answer.
Uhura: Yes, you do; I'm an illogical woman who's beginning to feel a little bit too much a part of that communications console. [beat] Why don't you tell me I'm an attractive young lady, or ask me if I've ever been in love? Tell me how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy night when the moon is full.
Spock: Vulcan has no moon.
Uhura: I'm not a bit surprised, Mr. Spock.
- Spock's OOC Is Serious Business moment near the end is a fine example of Narm. After Spock enters the room to find the Salt Vampire, in Nancy Crater's form, advancing on Kirk, he turns to McCoy and yells for the doctor to shoot the creature. McCoy vehemently refuses (believing it to be Nancy), so Spock grabs for McCoy's phaser before getting between Kirk and Creature!Nancy and yelling "It's killing the captain! SHOOT IT, QUICK!" When McCoy still refuses to fire, Spock starts punching Creature!Nancy repeatedly, to no noticeable effect upon the creature.Spock: [as he punches Creature!Nancy] This is not Nancy! If this was Nancy, could she take this?!
- Even funnier, Creature!Nancy strikes Spock and sends him flying against the wall, and he falls to the floor with the funniest dazed look on his face.
- At one point, Uhura reports that a Starbase commander demands an explanation regarding Enterprise's delay, as they are carrying vital cargo destined for the station. Kirk tells her to pass on a message to the commander that the peppers he was promised are just fine, and that Kirk hand-picked them himself. Just try to imagine Captain James T. Kirk gardening.
1x02 - Charlie X
- Kirk wins his chess game against Spock, who comments that his illogical approach sometimes comes in handy. Kirk replies that he prefers to call it 'inspired'. That's funny enough on its own, but then Spock only responds with "As You Wish." Of course, The Princess Bride didn't come out until many years later, but to modern viewers that certainly doesn't help quell the shipping.
- Kirk and Mc Coy trying to pass the ball on who should give The Talk to Charlie. And then Kirk ends up having to explain to the kid why it is "not done" to slap Yeoman Rand's butt.Charlie:She said you'd explain it to me
Kirk: Me. I see. Well, um, er, there are things you can do with a lady, er, Charlie, that you er. There's no right way to hit a woman. I mean, man to man is one thing, but, er, man and woman, er, it's, er, it's, er. Well it's, er, another thing. Do you understand?
- "My legs. They're broken." Oh, Spock...
1x03 - Where No Man Has Gone Before
- At the beginning, Kirk and Spock are playing a game of chess. Spock is sure he's going to win, to which Kirk laughs.Kirk: Have I mentioned that you play a very irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Irritating? Ah, yes. One of your Earth emotions.
Kirk: [makes a checkmate move, to which Spock frowns] Certain you don't know what irritation is?
- Then when Spock mentions his Human heritage, Kirk deadpans that it "must be terrible having all that bad blood in you."
- The bridge crew ask Kirk if Spock got the phaser rifle they sent down. As Kirk responds that he didn't ask for one, Spock walks in with a rather large gun.Kirk: ...Affirmative.
1x04 The Naked Time
- When McCoy checks Spock over, he deadpans about his pulse being too high and his blood pressure being non-existent and also makes a comment about Spock's green blood. Spock's response is to call the readings "normal" and say he is "delighted" with McCoy's comments.
- Sulu as a Musketeer. "Richelieu, beware!"Sulu: [grabs Uhura] I'll protect you, fair maiden!
Uhura: Sorry, neither!
- Even better, Nichelle Nichols apparently ad-libbed that.
- "Take D'Artagnan here to sickbay!" Said by Spock, of all people.
- And before all of that, when Sulu first bursts onto the bridge, Kirk reaches for Sulu's rapier, only to prick his palm on the point. His expression and subsequent reaction when that happens is utterly priceless.Kirk: Sulu, give me the— [pricks his palm and pauses] Put that thing away!
- Lieutenant Riley torturing the crew with "I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen." When he announces his intention to sing it "one! More! Time!," Kirk responds with "Please, not again."
- The random crewman laughing hysterically... at a paintbrush. Then we see he's painted the words "Love Mankind" on the wall, which Spock discovers. His reaction is priceless.
- Chapel's attraction to Spock is Hilarious in Hindsight when you consider this episode was made before the one where it was revealed she had a fiancé.
1x05 The Enemy Within
- William Shatner gleefully devouring the scenery as Evil!Kirk.
- After Good!Kirk alerts the rest of the crew about the duplicate:Evil!Kirk: [smashes a monitor] I'm Captain Kirk! III'M CAPTAIN KIIIRRRRRRK!!!
- The scene near the end that takes place on the bridge:Evil!Kirk: I'm the captain! Don't you understand?! I'm captain of the ship! [grabs the helmsman and throws him across the room] I'M THE CAPTAIN! THIS IS MY SHIP!! MY SHIP!! IT'S MINE!!!
- After Good!Kirk alerts the rest of the crew about the duplicate:
1x06 Mudd's Women
- McCoy and Scotty being captivated by the three women while Spock remains completely unaffected (and also looking slightly amused by McCoy's and Scotty's expressions).
- Spock's amusement continues when Kirk goes into shock upon meeting the three women. He knows the drill.
- Harry Mudd's growing frustration with the computer. "Incorrect."
- Chapel asks Spock whether he's been engaged. Kirk raises an amused eyebrow while Spock's expression shows a brief flash of bafflement. While it could be a rather funny Call-Back to Chapel's actions in "The Naked Time," this is also another case of Hilarious in Hindsight come "Amok Time."
- The writers trying to get across why Chapel doesn't like Andrea without offending the Moral Guardians' delicate sensibilities.
- Korby: Christine. Do you really think I could love a robot?
Chapel: Did you?
- "I AM ROGER KORBY!"
- While the Kirk android was being made, Kirk placed a message for Spock within it, to tell him he'd been compromised. That message? "Mind your own business, Mr. Spock! I'm sick of your half-breed interference, do you hear?" The crowner comes later when Spock questions him about it:Spock: Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term "half-breed", Captain.
Spock: You must admit it was an unsophisticated expression.
Kirk: [trying not to roll his eyes] I'll remember that, Mr. Spock. The next time I find myself in a similar situation.
- When the symptoms for the virus don't appear on Spock, McCoy says it's because "the little bugs have no appetite for green blood." To which Spock quips that being a red-blooded human has its disadvantages, before proceeding to point out the "museum piece" that McCoy has (a regular microscope), and how different it is from—McCoy: Spare me the analysis please, Mr. Spock? It's enough that it works.
- Later:Spock: I am a carrier, so I cannot go back to the ship. And I do want to go back to the ship.
- Kirk desperately trying to talk down the Onlies as they slowly advance on him before swarming him.
1x09 Dagger of the Mind
- Kirk notices Spock looking intently at his computer. He tries to look over Spock's shoulder curiously like a little kid before asking "What's so fascinating?"
- Spock's reaction when he sees that Jim and Dr. Noel have met before. And his reaction to Kirk's discomfort.Spock: Problem, Captain?
Kirk: [tries not to glare] Mr. Spock, you tell McCoy that she had better check out as the best assistant I ever had.
- Later, when Spock suggests Dr. Adams is lying:Noel: Foolish!
Spock: Please repeat that, Captain. I didn't copy.
- In the climax of the episode, Spock has just come down to rescue Kirk and the inmates. He finds Kirk kissing Noel, and when Kirk notices and looks over at him, Spock looks back with an expression that screams "Really, Jim?"
1x10 The Corbomite Maneuver
- When they first come in contact with the cube:Bailey: It's blocking the way!
Spock: [deadpan] Quite unnecessary to raise your voice, Mr. Bailey.
- Later, Bailey tries to explain why he raised his voice. It's left ambiguous whether Spock doesn't know what adrenaline is or if he's just being sarcastic.Bailey: Raising my voice back there doesn't mean I was scared or I couldn't do my job. It means I happen to have a Human thing called an adrenal gland.
Spock: That sounds most inconvenient. Have you considered having it removed?
- Which leads to the immortal line from Sulu:Sulu: You try to cross brains with Spock, he'll cut you to pieces every time.
- Later, Bailey tries to explain why he raised his voice. It's left ambiguous whether Spock doesn't know what adrenaline is or if he's just being sarcastic.
- Meanwhile, in sickbay, McCoy is running a physical on Kirk:McCoy: Just a few seconds more.
Kirk: [cue You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! look] "Just a few seconds more."
- This is followed by him muttering over and over "You're killing me!" while McCoy only smirks. And when Kirk notices the alarm:Kirk: You could see the alarm lights flashing from there, McCoy; why didn't you tell me?
McCoy: I had to finish the physical on you, didn't I? What am I, a doctor or a moon-shuttle conductor? If I jumped every time a light went on around here, I'd be talking to myself.
- This is followed by him muttering over and over "You're killing me!" while McCoy only smirks. And when Kirk notices the alarm:
- After the cube has been destroyed, and they consider whether or not to go on ahead:Spock: If you are asking for the logical decision...
Kirk: No, I'm not. The mission of the Enterprise is to seek out and contact alien life.
Spock: Has it occurred to you that there's a certain inefficiency on constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about?
Kirk: It gives me emotional security.
- Kirk's reaction to the salad that Rand gives him, and then finding out that McCoy ordered his diet changed. He's apparently put on a couple of pounds.Kirk: Will you stop hovering over me, Yeoman? Bring some for the doctor, will you?
McCoy: Oh, no, I don't eat until the crew eats. [smirks]
- During the countdown, after Bailey (suffering a nervous breakdown) had already pointed out that Sulu's counting down wasn't helping:Sulu: Four minutes left. In case anyone's interested...
Scotty: You have an annoying fascination for timepieces, Mr. Sulu.
- This gem:Spock: I regret not having learnt more about this Balok. In some manner, he was reminiscent of my father.
Scotty: Then may Heaven have helped your mother.
Spock: Quite the contrary. She considered herself a very fortunate Earthwoman.
1x13 The Conscience of the King
- The huge grin Kirk gets when he first lays eyes on Lenore. Here we go...
- Kirk tells Spock later that they're due for a pickup, to which Spock shows confusion. Then Lenore beams aboard, wanting to see Kirk...Spock: How did you know this lady was coming aboard?
Kirk: ...I'm the captain.
- Spock goes to McCoy in order to ask him whether he's noticed the captain acting strangely. Specifically, he doesn't know why Kirk let the acting troupe aboard. McCoy thinks it's because of Lenore.Spock: I considered it. And then I dismissed it.
McCoy: You would.
- McCoy trying to get Spock to drink. When Spock rejects the offer, mentioning that Vulcans are immune to the effects of alcohol, McCoy muses that it explains a lot.
1x14 Balance of Terror
- Meta: The Casting Gag when you realize that the same guy who played the Romulan Commander goes on to play Sarek, Spock's father, in Season 2. No wonder Stiles mistook Spock for a Romulan!
- During the silence, it's Spock, of all people, who slips up.
1x15 Shore Leave
- In the prologue, McCoy's "WTF?" face when he sees the white rabbit.White Rabbit: Oh my paws and whiskers! I'll be late! [hops away as McCoy stares]
Alice: Excuse me, sir. Have you seen a rather large white rabbit hereabouts?
[McCoy silently points to where it went, then Alice thanks him and runs off. Beat as McCoy registers that yes, that really just happened.]
- A bit of fuel for the Kirk/Spock shippers: Near the very beginning, Yeoman Barrows gives Kirk a massage, and for a moment Kirk thinks Spock is behind him doing it, and he seems to like it... And then when he sees that it isn't Spock, he just looks embarrassed...no, they're not lovers! Why do you ask?
- Not to mention Spock getting the one-up on Kirk when The Captain refuses to take any time off.Spock: We have a crewmember aboard who's showing signs of stress and fatigue — reaction time down 912%, associational reading norm minus 3.
Kirk: That's much too low a rating.
Spock: He's becoming irritable and quarrelsome, yet he refuses to take rest and rehabilitation. He has that right, but...
Kirk: A crewman's right ends where the safety of the ship begins. That man will go ashore on my orders. What's his name?
Spock: [pretends to study paper] "James Kirk."
Kirk: ["You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" face]
Spock: [smirks] Enjoy yourself, Captain.
[Kirk narrows his eyes in annoyance]
1x16 The Galileo Seven
- Kirk's growing irritation with the commissioner, who keeps showing up on the bridge like an unwanted alarm clock with Kirk having to constantly slap down the snooze button.Kirk: I am aware of how much time I have left.
Commissioner: I am delighted. However, I shall continue to remind you.
Kirk: You do that.
- When Spock leaves the shuttle, after having told the crew that three men will have to stay behind (and also saying they must see if they overlooked any minor damage):Boma: If any minor damage is overlooked, it was when he put his head together.
- When they run out of fuel:Spock: That will solve the problem of who to leave behind.
- Upon lifting off, Spock goes into yet another lecture about logic:McCoy: Spock, remind me to tell you that I'm sick and tired of your logic.
Spock: That is a most illogical attitude.
- And then when Spock admits he made a mistake:McCoy: Well, at least I've lived long enough to hear that.
- And then when Spock admits he made a mistake:
- The ending, in which the crew try and get Spock to admit that he acted emotionally; everyone is noticeably trying to hold back their laughter until the very end:Kirk: When you jettisoned the fuel, you said there was no chance of it being seen and yet you did it anyhow. That would seem to me to be an act of desperation.
Spock: Quite correct, Captain.
Kirk: Now we all know, and I'm sure that some would agree with me, but desperation is a highly emotional state of mind. How does your well-known logic explain that?
Spock: Quite simply, Captain, I examined the problem from all angles, and it was plainly hopeless. Logic informed me that under the circumstances, the only possible action would have to be one of desperation. Logical decision, logically arrived at.
Kirk: I see. You mean you reasoned that it was time for an emotional outburst.
Spock: [suddenly realizing what he's just admitted] Well, I wouldn't put it in exactly those terms, Captain, but... those are essentially the facts.
Kirk: You're not going to admit that for the first time in your life, you committed a purely human emotional act?
Spock: ...No, sir.
Kirk: [chuckles] Mr. Spock, you're a stubborn man.
Spock: Yes, sir.
1x17 The Squire of Gothos
- Spock's inability to comprehend Kirk and McCoy's romantic view on deserts. This doesn't surprise McCoy, who deduces that a mirage could never affect Spock's "mathematical brainwaves." Spock thanks him for the compliment and moves on.
- Like Harry Mudd, General Trelane ("Retired!"). Talk about a Manchild.Sulu: Is he for real?
- Sulu's sarcasm in general.Trelane: Anyway, the décor of my drawing room is much more appropriate— [he flicks a finger; the bridge crew suddenly find themselves in Trelane's house] —and tasteful. Don't you agree?
Sulu [from the table]: No.
- Meta: If you look closely, you can still see the frozen Kirk and Sulu moving.
- McCoy isn't sure whether he's quaking with laughter or terror. And when Uhura asks him what was down on the planet, he tries to explain but then just gives up. "Forget it."
- Trelane insisting to his parents that he would have beaten Kirk as he's being taken away.
- The ending, when Kirk is describing Trelane:Kirk: He was probably doing this comparable to the strange, mischievous pranks you played when you were a boy.
Spock: Mischievous pranks, Captain?
Kirk: Yes. Dipping little girls' curls in ink wells, stealing apples from the neighbors' trees— [notices Spock's look of confusion and shock] Forgive me, Mr. Spock. I should have known better.
Spock: I should be delighted, Captain. [walks away, but pauses to give a Fascinating Eyebrow]
- Spock's brief reaction when McCoy mentions his "pointed ears."
- Kirk and Gorn's famous battle is one of the funniest action pieces in the series.
1x19 Tomorrow is Yesterday
- Admit it; you giggled at the beginning when you saw the Enterprise shakily flying around in the 1960s sky.
- John Christopher meets Spock for the first time. His flabbergasted expression is priceless.Christopher: [as he walks onto the bridge] I never have believed in little green men.
Spock: [appearing before him] Neither have I.
- And then, on the bridge, Christopher continues to stare openly at Spock, absently grabbing his own ears as if to check that they're still human.
- Christopher adjusting to the Enterprise crew in general.
- Christopher: [pointing at a passing ensign] That's...that's a woman.
- The treasury of funny background moments that is John Christopher meeting Uhura. He hasn't even recovered from Spock yet, and his eyes turn into dinner plates when Kirk introduces her as the communications chief. Made even better when he wonderingly strokes the panel and she smacks his hand away like an exhausted mom managing a curious child.
- Spock informs Kirk that Christopher can't go home:
- Kirk: Your logic can be most... annoying.
- The new voice of the computer...dear.Spock: It also has an unfortunate tendency to giggle.
- This:Kirk: Now you're sounding like Spock.
McCoy: If you're gonna get nasty, I'm gonna leave.
- And when Spock arrives, admitting he made an error:McCoy: Oh? This could be a historic occasion.
- And when Spock arrives, admitting he made an error:
- When McCoy tells Spock that he should be working on his time-warp equations, Spock (who, it should be noted, is standing unflinchingly in the transporter room, staring dead ahead without blinking) simply says, "I am."
- The reaction of the security guard (who caught Kirk and Sulu) when he accidentally beams up to the Enterprise.Kirk: As you can see we have... another problem.
- The guard then remains frozen in place as McCoy slowly takes the gun and communicator from him.
- "Believe me, Colonel... you wouldn't believe me."
- "I popped in out of thin air."
- Kirk's expressions as the 1969 Air Police who have just captured him play with his phaser, not even knowing it's a weapon.
- They are called Security Forces, and knowing that it was a weapon probably wouldn't have stopped them.
- And when they're interrogating Kirk about his Space Clothes, it leads to this wonderful reply:
- The Air Force colonel then barks that he's going to lock Kirk up for two hundred years. Kirk deadpans that should be just about right.
- Even funnier is that it should be three hundred years. Kirk either completely missed it or was just past the point of caring.
1x20 Court Martial
- After kissing Lieutenant Ariel Shaw on the bridge of his ship, Kirk goes to sit in the captain's chair with the stiffest poker face ever seen. Spock and McCoy, on either side, are staring straight ahead. After a pause, and a flicker of a glance at Spock...Kirk: She's a very good lawyer.
McCoy: Indeed she is.
- The absolutely deadpan delivery would shame the most orthodox Vulcan.
1x21 The Return of the Archons
- The whole thing could count as one; it's certainly one of the series' weirder episodes. But that's what happens when you run into a planet where the entire populace is mindlessly docile, inexplicably go nuts for twelve hours before back to normal the next morning, no rhyme or reason involved... and then you find out they're under control of an entity (actually a machine), who's keeping them under Mind Control, all behavior implying they're essentially an immune system made of people, called 'The Body'.
1x22 Space Seed
- Spock can't understand why it always gives Kirk pleasure to see him proven wrong. Kirk admits it's an emotional "Earth weakness" of his.
- "Scientists, Mr. Spock. I'm sure you know the type. Devoted to logic, completely unemotional..."
- This:Spock: If you are suggesting this was a penal deportation vessel, you have arrived at a totally illogical conclusion.
Kirk: [eyebrows go up] Oh?
Spock: Your Earth was on the verge of a Dark Age. Whole populations were being bombed out of existence. A group of criminals could have been dealt with far more efficiently than by wasting one of their most advanced space ships.
Kirk: [trying not to sigh] Yes. So much for my theory. I'm still waiting to hear yours?
Spock: That theory requires facts, Captain. And so far I have none.
Kirk: And that irritates you?
Spock: Irritation? I am not capable of that emotion.
Kirk: [trying not to smile too widely] My apologies, Mr. Spock.
- When Khan threatens McCoy, also counts as a moment of awesome for the Doc.McCoy: Well, either choke me or cut my throat. Make up your mind.
Khan: English. I thought I dreamed hearing it. Where am I?
McCoy: You're in bed, holding a knife at your doctor's throat.
- Spock's inability to comprehend why Kirk, McCoy and Scotty admire Khan while they also hate him:Spock: Gentlemen, this... romanticism about a ruthless dictator is...
Kirk: Mr. Spock, we Humans have a streak of barbarism in us. Appalling but there, nevertheless.
Scotty: There were no massacres under his rule.
Spock: And as little freedom.
McCoy: There were no wars until he was attacked.
Spock: (Astonished) Gentlemen!
[all three laugh while Spock just looks on in confusion]
Kirk: Mr. Spock, you misunderstand us. We can be against him and admire him all at the same time.
- When Spock is escorted down to Sickbay by one of Khan's men, he walks past where Kirk is hiding, merely glances stoically at Kirk, then turns as Kirk gets the drop on the henchmen so Spock can execute his nerve pinch.
- How does Kirk finally defeat Khan? By hitting him with a piece of plastic.
1x23 A Taste of Armageddon
- Proof that Vulcans have a sense of humour:Spock: Sir, there's a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. [neck pinches the guard]
- And then, he just casually walks away like nothing happened.
- "The best diplomat I know is a fully operational phaser bank!"
- When Spock and his party finally reach the council room where Kirk is being held, he is surprised to find Kirk holding the entire council and four guards at gunpoint.
- Team Spock is attempting to convince a woman who supposedly "died" in the simulations to not actually kill herself. When he goes to find Kirk, he orders a yeoman to knock the woman down and sit on her if she has to. His deadpan delivery is what really sells it.
1x24 This Side of Paradise
- Upon realizing the settlers of the planet are alive, and having been greeted by the head of the colony:McCoy: This is just speculation, an uneducated guess, but I'd say that man is alive.
- Spock: "I've never understood the female capacity to avoid answering a direct question."
- Spock's behavior after being hit by the spores. Laughing, smiling, climbing trees, mouthing off to Kirk...
- And Kirk, upon seeing the aforementioned Spock, is struck speechless and has to clear his throat before calling out to him.
- In order to get Spock back to normal, Kirk has to make him angry. He didn't quite expect the reaction he received.Kirk: It isn't every First Officer who gets to belt his Captain... [rubs his face in agony] ...several times...
Spock: You did that to me on purpose.
Kirk: Believe me, Mr. Spock, it was painful... [holds his arm in pain] ...in more ways than one...
- Then Spock reminds Kirk that striking a fellow officer is a court-martial offence. But then Kirk reminds him that if they're both in the brig, there'll be no one to save the rest of the crew. Spock sees his point and drops the subject.
1x25 The Devil in the Dark
- Everything involving Schmitter.
- Spock, having given a theory of silicon-based lifeforms (which was met with skepticism from McCoy) is fascinated with the silicon sphere sat on the desk. Kirk asks what he thinks of it, which leads to this comment:Spock: [after glancing at the waiting McCoy] I have given Dr. McCoy sufficient cause for amusement; I would prefer to cogitate the possibilities for a time.
- Kirk tries to get Spock to go help Scotty. Kirk really should have learnt from Sulu's comment earlier in the series.Kirk: This will be a dangerous hunt. Either one of us by ourselves is expendable. Both of us are not.
Spock: Captain, there are approximately one hundred of us engaged in this search, against one creature. The odds against you and I both being killed are 2,228.7 to 1.
Kirk: ...2,228.7 to 1? [Beat] Those are pretty good odds, Mr. Spock.
Spock: And they are, of course, accurate, Captain.
Kirk: Of course. [sighs] Well, I hate to use the word, but...logically, with those kind of odds, you might as well stay. But please stay out of trouble, Mr. Spock.
Spock: [look of confusion] That is always my intention, Captain.
- Later, when Kirk is confronted by the creature and Spock contacts him:Spock: Captain, I've just read some fresh signs. The creature is in this area. I'll take a life-form reading.
Kirk: That's not necessary, Mr. Spock; I know exactly where the creature is.
Spock: Where, Captain?
Kirk: Ten feet away from me.
- It's the casual, nonchalant way he says it which really sells the moment.
- Spock's rapid opinion shift about how to deal with the Horta after hearing this.
- McCoy's reaction to being told he has to heal the Horta.McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a brick-layer!"
- According to Spock, the Horta has a logical mind, which he finds "curiously refreshing."
- And the Horta, apparently, really likes Spock's ears. Which both Kirk and McCoy can't believe.
- The last lines:Kirk: Mr. Spock, I suspect you're becoming more and more Human all the time.
Spock: [in shock] Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted.
1x26 Errand of Mercy
- When Kirk and Spock beam down, they find themselves in a small town which doesn't look technologically advanced at all, and yet no one bats an eyelid at them.Kirk: You'd think they have people beaming down every day.
Spock: Yes, curious lack of interest.
- Spock apparently "has a gift for understatement."
- Kirk asks Spock their odds.Spock: Difficult to be precise. I would say 7,824.7 to 1.
Kirk: [Beat] Difficult to be precise? 7,824 to 1?
Spock: 7,824.7 to 1.
Kirk: ...That's a pretty close approximation.
- A few minutes later, after having been told that more hostages are being rounded up, Kirk asks for more odds:Spock: Less than 7,000 to 1, Captain. It is remarkable that we have gotten this far.
Kirk: Less than 7,000 to 1... Well, getting better, getting better...
- Then at the end of the episode, Spock shows surprise that they beat the odds. Kirk just says that the game was ruined by the interference of the Organians, not to mention that they never really stood a chance, anyway.
- A few minutes later, after having been told that more hostages are being rounded up, Kirk asks for more odds:
- Kor's rather pathetic attempt to try and attack the Organians. He's so focused that all it takes to stop him is an outstretched arm.Kor: I have an army!
- This is after he'd just witnessed them disable his weapons, render his ships powerless, make it impossible for him to even touch his enemies, much less kill them. Denial, thy name is Kor.
- At the beginning, McCoy injects cordrazine into Sulu in order to revive him. Kirk advises that it's tricky stuff, and is about to ask whether McCoy is sure about it. Then Sulu wakes up, perfectly fine.McCoy: You were about to make a medical comment, Jim?
Kirk: Who me, Doctor?
- Upon meeting the Guardian of Forever, it calls Spock's sciences "primitive." Spock looks offended.Spock: Really.
Kirk: Annoyed, Spock? (Spock whirls over to give Kirk an annoyed look as if to say "Don't start")
- Kirk's attempted explanation of Spock upon arriving in the 1930s. As Spock said before, "that should prove interesting":Kirk: My friend... is obviously Chinese... I see you've noticed the ears; they're actually easy to explain... [looks to Spock helplessly]
Spock: Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child...
Kirk: The unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical...rice picker... But fortunately, there was an American...missionary living close by who was actually a, uh, skilled, uh, plastic surgeon in civilian life—
- Even better is that when Kirk gets to 'rice picker', Spock stares at him for a moment. When he looks back at the officer, his look has changed from confident to 'look, please bear with me.'
- Then when the police officer has them stand against the wall:Kirk: Oh, how careless of your wife to let you go out that way. [gestures to his clothes]
Spock: Oh, yes. It is quite untidy. Here, let me help you. [nerve pinches him]
- And when they finally escape:Kirk: You were actually enjoying my predicament back there. Sometimes you seem quite Human.
Spock: Captain, I hardly believe that insults are among your prerogative as my commanding officer.
- When Kirk suggests that Spock builds a computer:
- When Kirk arrives back to the flat where Spock is working, Spock starts making lists of the things he needs. Kirk, who has just carried home the previous things Spock has asked for, looks put out before he tells Spock that with the situation as it is, his new list of materials isn't likely to be completed any time soon. Then Spock proceeds to complain, comparing the current materials to working with "stone knives and bear skins"; seems Kirk's not the only one who habitually expects too much.
- And then Edith appears at the door, sees the equipment, she's utterly confused and asks what it is.Spock: I am endeavoring myself, ma'am, to construct a mnemonic memory circuit using stone knives and bear skins.
- Edith's blank "OK, whatever" reaction is just as hilarious.
- Later, when Kirk returns, he asks, "How are our stone knives and bear skins?"
- And then Edith appears at the door, sees the equipment, she's utterly confused and asks what it is.
- McCoy, upon arriving back in time, is uncertain whether he's unconscious or demented. When Edith tells him he's in the 1930s, he concludes that he's unconscious AND demented.
1x29 Operation: Annihilate!
- When Spock beams down to the planet for the second time, he is confronted by a colonist. The episode fades out, making it look like the battle against the colonist will be hard and nerve-racking. But when we fade in again, the colonist pathetically lasts about two seconds against Spock.
- Spock and McCoy's brief Fascinating Eyebrow war. Spock wins, obviously.
- The revelation that Vulcans have a second eyelid.Kirk: Mr. Spock, regaining eyesight would be an emotional experience for most. You, I presume, felt nothing?
Spock: Quite the contrary, Captain. I had a very strong reaction. My first sight was the face of Dr. McCoy bending over me.
McCoy: It's a pity brief blindness didn't increase your appreciation for beauty, Mr. Spock.
- And then, when McCoy asks Kirk in a hushed tone not to tell Spock that what he said about him being the best First Officer in the fleet, Spock overhears and thanks him.Kirk: You've been so concerned about his Vulcan eyes, Doctor, that you forgot about his Vulcan ears.
- And then, when McCoy asks Kirk in a hushed tone not to tell Spock that what he said about him being the best First Officer in the fleet, Spock overhears and thanks him.
2x01 Amok Time
- At the beginning, McCoy expresses concern for Spock, saying he hasn't eaten in three days. Kirk sees no big deal.Kirk: Oh, that just sounds like Mr. Spock in one of his contemplative phases.
- While it's part of the drama, everyone's wide-eyed "WTF JUST HAPPENED!?!" expressions upon being confronted by an angry Spock.
- Chekov's growing frustration with constantly changing course, so much so that he and Sulu become tired of this and have the course to Vulcan ready in advance.Sulu: How do you figure it, Chekov? First, we're going to Vulcan, then we're going to Altair, then we're heading to Vulcan again, and now we're heading back to Altair.
Chekov: I think I'm going to get Space-sick.
- Later, after having overheard Kirk and Uhura:Chekov: Mr. Sulu, you don't think...?
Sulu: Maybe you ought to plot a course back to Vulcan. Just in case.
Chekov: [throws up hands]
- Later, after having overheard Kirk and Uhura:
- Just the extreme awkwardness in the conversation where Spock is explaining the nature of pon farr to Kirk, while also dancing around the terminology for the sake of good taste. Kirk tries to tell him not to feel embarrassed about it... while looking obviously uncomfortable himself.
- Kirk's Oh, Crap! expression after he's told by T'Pau that the Kun-ut-kal-i-fee is a fight to the death — right after he is chosen by T'Pring to be her champion in Stonn's stead.
- While the humor is partly out of the intense drama of the last few minutes, Spock's reaction at the end of the episode when he realizes that he's just been emotional in front of Kirk, Christine Chapel, and McCoy is hilarious.Spock: I'm... pleased, to see you, captain; you seem... uninjured.
McCoy: There's just one thing, Mr. Spock. You can't tell me that when you first saw Jim alive, that you were on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would've brought the house down!
- Not to mention his (not very convincing) attempt to tell them that he wasn't being emotional.
Spock: Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient Captain.
Kirk: Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand.
Spock: Thank you, Captain.
McCoy: Of course, Mr. Spock. Your reaction was quite logical...
Spock: Thank you, Doctor.
McCoy: [just as Spock and Kirk are at the door] ...in a pig's eye!
- The buildup to the revelation nails it. Spock is standing there, telling McCoy how he must turn himself in for killing Kirk... and Kirk just comes up behind him, grinning, and unable to resist acting completely casual as he lets Spock know he's still alive.
- Then Spock realizes he's smiling and shuts down all expression, including the swelling music, which grinds to a very awkward halt.
2x02 Who Mourns For Adonais?
- McCoy laments that someday Miss Palamas will find Mr. Right and leave the Fleet. Kirk attempts to look at it philosophically, not as losing an officer, but gaining a...and then realizes he's losing an officer in any case.
- Apollo officially introduces himself and leaves everyone stunned. Except for Chekov, who doesn't skip a beat, dropping this line in the most deadpan tone possible:Apollo: I am Apollo!
Chekov: And I am the Czar of all the Russias.
- Kirk's reaction to the above line is priceless.
- Later, Chekov begins to list, in McCoy's words, "the whole encyclopedia" of creatures which generate their own energy. When Chekov says that the Captain requires complete information:McCoy: Spock's contaminating this boy, Jim.
- And then Chekov starts making comparisons to Apollo disappearing, "like that cat in the Russian story." Kirk corrects him by saying it was an English story (the Cheshire Cat), but Chekov shakes his head and says it was a Minsk cat.
- When Chekov offers to assist Kirk in finding out what happened to Carolyn:Kirk: How old are you?
Chekov: Twenty-two, sir.
Kirk: Then I'd better handle it.
- Scotty calling Apollo "you bloodthirsty Saracen!" and charging at him, only to get struck by lightning and sent falling to the ground.
- Kirk sternly reprimanding Scotty for engaging Apollo before adding, in a gentler tone, "Besides, you stiff-necked thistle-head, you could've gotten yourself killed."
2x03 The Changeling
- This:Nomad: [in reference to McCoy] This is one of your units, Kirk?
Nomad: It functions irrationally.
McCoy: [raises eyebrow]
- When Scotty is revived: "What in the devil are you starin' at me for?"
- Spock's almost gloating look when Nomad refers to him as a "well-structured unit."
- The ending:Spock: My congratulations, Captain; a dazzling display of logic.
Kirk: [happily] You didn't think I had it in me, did you, Spock?
Spock: [deadpan] No, sir.
[Kirk stops smiling and looks like a kicked puppy]
- Spock's bafflement when Kirk refers to Nomad as his son.
2x04 Mirror, Mirror
- When Kirk and McCoy wonder what the counterparts are doing in their own universe, we get a Gilligan Cut to William Shatner hamming it up to the extreme as Mirror!Kirk, who was immediately found out by Spock and is being hauled off to the brig.Mirror!Kirk: [struggling with the guards] I ORDER YOU... LET ME GO!!! TRAITORS!!! SPOCK! GET THESE MEN OFF ME!
- After being thrown in the brig with the others, Mirror!Kirk rants about how he's going to punish Spock, angrily wonders why everything's changed, and finally tries a smarmy attempt at bribery, all while Spock stands there stoically before calmly laying down the law to Mirror!Kirk.
- "I'm a doctor, not an engineer!" "Now you're an engineer."
- How Scotty and McCoy get into the engine room; Scotty appears and gives the Terran salute to the guard outside. The guard turns for only a moment to salute back, during which time McCoy arrives by his side and sedates him with barely any change in expression.
- The ending, in which Spock tears up Kirk and McCoy effortlessly. Don't cross brains with Spock, indeed:McCoy: Jim, I think I liked him with the beard better. Gave him character. Of course, almost any change would be a distinct improvement.
Kirk: What worries me is the easy way his counterpart fitted into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart.
Spock: Indeed, gentlemen. May I point out that I had the opportunity to observe your counterparts here, quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous in every way. Splendid examples of Homo sapiens; the very flower of Humanity. I found them quite refreshing.
Kirk: ...I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted.
McCoy: I'm sure.
- The beautiful double takes from Bones, Scotty, and Uhura when this universe's version of Marlena in a blue Starfleet uniform, comes to have Kirk sign something for her. Then the smile on Kirk's face at her appearance as the other three are openly thinking "Oh, no, here we go...."
2x05 The Apple
- The beginning, when they first land on the planet:Chekov: Makes me homesick. Just like Russia.
McCoy: More like the Garden of Eden, Ensign.
Chekov: Of course, Doctor. The Garden of Eden was just outside Moscow. A wery nice place. It must have made Adam and Eve wery sad to leave.
Kirk: Just outside... Moscow, all right.
- When Chekov gets closer to the female yeoman with them:Kirk: Mr. Chekov, I know you and Landon find each other fascinating, but we're not here to conduct a field experiment in human biology.
- After breaking a rock in half, Spock throws it away... only for it to explode. Without missing a beat:Kirk: Would you mind where you throw your rocks, Mr. Spock?
- When Spock wakes up from being knocked out, he complains that McCoy's medicine is giving him an upset stomach. McCoy retorts that this is the fault of Spock's green blood.
- And when Kirk tells Spock not to save him again, asking rhetorically how much Starfleet has invested in him, Spock begins to answer accurately in figures. Kirk just tells him to never mind.
- Spock then gets knocked back, leading to his understatement of the episode:Kirk: A force-field?
- He later comments on McCoy's understatement abilities:Spock: Doctor, you have an unsurpassed talent for understatement.
- This is right after he got hit by lightning. Attacked by a plant, knocked back by a force-field and then hit by lightning. It's really not Spock's day.
- When told that love is forbidden:McCoy: Well, there goes paradise.
- The natives wrap flower chains around the arms of the crew. Including Spock.Kirk: It does something for you.
Spock: Yes, indeed it does, Captain. It makes me uncomfortable.
- And then Spock gives his name. The tribe just laugh at him.Spock: I fail to see what they find so amusing.
- And then Spock gives his name. The tribe just laugh at him.
- The "Replacement" discussion. Spock's embarrassment at having to explain the concept of "reproduction" is hilarious.
- What's funnier is Yeoman Landon's attempt to ask how the Vaalians — if the need ever arose — could 'do it' without actually 'knowing' about it — while also trying not to explicitly say it. And the just-as-difficult answer would be that, likely, they'd get the necessary..."instructions".McCoy: [in disbelief] From a machine? [Beat] That I'd like to see.
- And all the while, Kirk is just sitting there with a smirk, eating an apple.
- What's funnier is Yeoman Landon's attempt to ask how the Vaalians — if the need ever arose — could 'do it' without actually 'knowing' about it — while also trying not to explicitly say it. And the just-as-difficult answer would be that, likely, they'd get the necessary..."instructions".
- And for classic Star Trek Black Comedy, watch as the four Redshirts who beam down get picked off one by one. Seriously, are there invisible bulls-eyes on them?
- The ending, in which Kirk makes a subtle joke about Spock looking like Satan (which, funnily enough, was an actual issue with the show towards the beginning of its run).Kirk: Doctor, do I understand him correctly? Are you casting me in the role of Satan?Spock: Not at all, Captain.Kirk: Is there anyone on this ship who even remotely looks like Satan?(he and Bones both circle Spock, focusing on his pointed ears. Spock finally realizes what's going on and simply crosses his arms with an annoyed face.)Spock: I am not aware of anyone who fits that description, Captain.Kirk: No, Mr. Spock, I didn't think you would.
2x06 The Doomsday Machine
- This:Spock: Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
McCoy: In plain, non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky.
Spock: I believe I said that, Doctor.
- Kirk pilots the USS Constellation on a suicide run and gets ready to leave, just as the transporter shorts out. As the Planet Killer moves in while Scotty races to fix the transporter, Kirk first asks in his usual brisk manner that they beam him abroad, then when nothing happens in response, can't help but hurry them up a bit:Kirk: Ah... gentlemen, I suggest you beam me aboard!
- After the three cackling witch illusions, a la Macbeth, urge our heroes to turn back:Kirk: Spock, comment.
Spock: Very bad poetry, Captain.
Kirk: A more useful comment, Mr. Spock.
- Kirk nearly refers to McCoy by his usual nickname of "Bones", until he sees what's in the iron maiden. He changes his mind and calls him "Doc".
- The Reveal at the end: The aliens' true forms are utterly laughable.
2x08 I, Mudd
- At the end of one of their standard arguments, Spock gets in an epic burn on McCoy.McCoy: He has avoided two appointments that I've made for his physical exam without reason.Spock: That's not at all surprising, Doctor. He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles.
- The look on Kirk's face when he sees Mudd on the throne, which screams "Oh, God, not this idiot again!"
- This exchange:Mudd: ...Do know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb V?
Spock: The guilty party has his choice: Death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging...
Mudd: The key word in your entire peroration, Mr. Spock, was, death. Barbarians. Well, of course, I left.
Kirk: He broke jail.
Mudd: I borrowed transportation.
Kirk: He stole a spaceship.
Mudd: The patrol reacted in a hostile manner.
Kirk: They fired at him.
Mudd: They've no respect for private property; they damaged the bloody spaceship!
- And this:Mudd: Just think of it, laddybuck. Harry Mudd with his own crew of lovelies aboard your vessel. Think about that.
Kirk: I'm trying not to.
- Once they're informed they're to be kept captive by the androids, there's the following conversation. By the end, the look on Kirk's face is priceless:Kirk: Well, opinions?
Chekov: I think ve're in a lot of trouble.
Kirk: That's a great help, Mr. Chekov. Bones?
McCoy: I think Mr. Chekov's right. We are in a lot of trouble.
Kirk: Spock. And if you say we're in a lot of trouble...
Spock: We are.
Kirk: ["aw, come on!" expression]
- Kirk tells the androids to "go away", leading to this charming interaction:
- Chekov's comment of "This is better than Leningrad!" after confirming that the androids sent to serve him were programmed by that "unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous kulak" Harry Mudd.
- The crew defeats Mudd's robots by confronting them with a barrage of bald-faced illogic, climaxing with some incredibly silly pantomime with the crew enjoying every minute of it. Particularly good is Spock telling a pair of identical robots that he loves one and hates the other, and it's precisely because they're identical that he feels that way.
- Blink and you miss it, but when he tries and fails to nerve-pinch an android, Spock looks at his hand as though it's developed a fault.
- Once everyone pretends their make-believe bomb exploded and everyone's flailing around from the concussive force, Spock walks away like nothing of the sort happened; he's not even trying anymore. Which was probably intentional, as this would only confuse the androids more since before he was going along with the illogic... and also probably because a Vulcan can only handle so much illogic in one go.
- The icing on the cake may be that Scotty, who was "dead" from too much happiness a few seconds ago, leaps to his feet and gets out of the "bomb's" range.
- The exchange that finally fries Norman's circuits is particularly amusing:Norman: But—there was—no—explosive!
Mudd: I lied.
Kirk: That's right, Norman! Everything Harry tells you is a lie!
Mudd: Now listen to me very carefully, Norman... I... am lying.
Norman: You say you are lying—but if everything you say is a lie, then you must be telling the truth—but how can you be telling the truth if everything you say is a lie?! You—lie—you—tell the truth—ILLOGICAL! ILLOGICAL! PLEASE EXPLAIN! ONLY HUMANS CAN EXPLAIN THEIR BEHAVIOR!!
Kirk: I am not programmed to respond in that area.
[Cue Norman's BSOD]
- If you're paying attention, you'll realize that Norman has finally learned the meaning of the word "please."
- It's both funny and relieving when you think about it: Kirk and company are able to disable a planet full of androids by acting like a bunch of over-caffeinated theater kids. The androids have only had Harry Mudd, who is kind of an imbecile, for reference all this time, so they really don't know a thing about human behavior. A bit of resistance, and a bit of illogical silliness, and down they go. Even if they'd gotten hold of the Enterprise, their plan to put all of humanity in a gilded cage wouldn't have gotten very far.
- The very end, in which Kirk places a Cool and Unusual Punishment on Harry: Having him serve his sentence on a planet of beautiful androids...complete with a detachment of at least 500 duplicates of his scolding wife to keep him in line.
- The way Mudd stammers in complete shock and disbelief upon seeing Stella 500's number plate: "Number...five...hundred?!?!" and then shakes his head as if trying to wake up from a nightmare.
- Spock trying to convince Kirk to ask the Companion about its nature and patterns... while Kirk is trying to negotiate with it for their freedom. Kirk is quite rightly irritated.
- Spock's surprise at Cochrane's disgust by the Companion. Considering his own attitude towards Humans... It's enough to make Kirk smile for the time being.
2x10 Journey to Babel
- McCoy's inability to perform the Vulcan salute.McCoy: This hurts more than the uniform.
- The awkward look Spock and Sarek share after Kirk asks Spock to explain the Enterprise's computer systems to the Vulcan Ambassador.
- After McCoy meets Spock's mother and she tells him that when Spock was little he had a pet sehlat, an animal like a "fat teddy bear." The way McCoy's eyes light up while Spock tries desperately to pretend he didn't hear that is priceless.
- Not to mention, when he teases Spock about it a minute later:Spock: Not precisely, Doctor. You see, on Vulcan, the "teddy bears" are alive, and they have six-inch fangs.
- What makes it even funnier is that Amanda glanced at Spock with a grin before she answered. Seems the embarrassment was intentional. Ah, mothers.
- Not to mention, when he teases Spock about it a minute later:
- The ending, in which both Sarek and Spock tease Amanda. Seems that while they're unemotional, Vulcans do hold the capacity for that.Sarek: Spock acted on logic. One does not thank logic, Amanda.
Amanda: Logic, logic! I'm sick to death of logic! Do you want to know how I feel about your logic?
Spock: Emotional, isn't she?
Sarek: She has always been that way.
Spock: Indeed. Why did you marry her?
Sarek: At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do.
Amanda: [realizes they're teasing and smiles]
- Sarek's response gets even funnier when you realize what the English equivalent is...
- Then there's McCoy shouting down both Kirk and Spock at the end of the episode.Kirk: No, no—
McCoy: [to Kirk] Now, if you keep on arguing with your kindly, friendly doctor, you're going to spend your next ten days here. If you cooperate, you'll be out in two.
Spock: Doctor, I think I'll return to my station now.
McCoy: You are at your station, Mr. Spock!
Kirk: Dr. McCoy, I believe you're enjoying all of this.
Spock: Indeed, Captain. I've never seen him look so happy.
McCoy: Shut up! [Spock and Christine Chapel stare at him while Kirk opens his mouth] Shhh! Shhh! [Kirk lies down with a resigned look; McCoy looks over at Spock and Chapel, who are still wordlessly staring at him, and then back at Kirk who is giving him the same look before he turns toward camera, grinning. To Nurse Chapel] Well, what do you know? I finally got the last word.
2x11 Friday's Child
- Kirk almost gets himself into a combat situation with a tribesman. Turns out, said tribesman finds Kirk "a disappointment" when he refuses. All Kirk can do is shrug innocently.
- While giving his standard examination on Eleen, Bones feels her pregnant belly. Which earns him a smack. He does it again and gets another one. At which point, he smacks her, and goes right back to work.
- The fact that it seems to turn her on is hilarious in itself.
- And then Spock shows up just as she's rubbing McCoy's hand, and looks amused.
- "The last thing I want around is a ham-handed ship's Captain!"
- "What the Klingon has said is unimportant, and we do not hear his words. (aside to Kirk, as the locals snigger) I just called the Klingon a liar."
- McCoy makes the mistake of accidentally claiming the baby as his:McCoy: Repeat; the child is mine. The child is mine. The child is... [realizing that what he's saying can go both ways] ...uh oh.
- Later:Eleen: McCoy... bring our child.
Kirk: ...Our child?
McCoy: [after hesitation] I'll explain later.
Spock: That should prove very interesting.
- Later, when Scotty arrives:Spock: Well, at any rate, this should prove interesting.
Spock: When the woman starts explaining how the new High Teer is Dr. McCoy's child.
Scotty: What was that, Mr. Spock?
Kirk: We don't actually understand it ourselves, Mr. Scott.
Spock: Nor does Dr. McCoy.
- McCoy trying to get Spock to hold the baby. Heaven help Uhura in the alternate reality if she and Spock ever decide to have children.
- More Chekov funnies:Scotty: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Chekov: I know that saying. It was invented in Russia. [chuckles mischeviously]
[Sulu smirks and realizes Chekov is just messing with them as Scotty is mildly annoyed.]
- Kirk having to explain Baby Talk to Spock while McCoy is cooing over the baby.McCoy: [tickling the baby under the chin] Ootchie-wootchie-cootchie-coo!
Spock: "Ootchie-wootchie-cootchie-coo," Captain?
Kirk: [deadpan] An obscure Earth dialect, Mr. Spock. "Ootchie-wootchie-cootchie-coo." If you're curious, consult linguistics.
- One can only imagine Uhura's reaction when Spock comes to her and asks about it.
- At the end, when it's revealed that the new Teer is named Leonard James Akaar:Spock: [in Vulcan shock] The child was named Leonard James Akaar?
McCoy: Has a kind of a ring to it, don't you think, James?
Kirk: Yes, I think it's a name destined to go down in galactic history, Leonard. What do you think, Spock?
Spock: [genuinely exasperated] I think you're both going to be insufferably pleased with yourselves for at least a month. Sir.
- It's even funnier from a Meta point of view, given that the line is spoken by Leonard Nimoy.
2x12 The Deadly Years
- Chekov's scream. Dramatic back then, hilarious nowadays.
- Chekov's annoyance at the continual poking and prodding from the others, who are trying to figure out why he isn't suffering Rapid Aging.Chekov: "Give us a sample, Chekov." "A little won't hurt, Chekov." "Roll over, Chekov." "Breathe deeply, Chekov." "Blood sample, Chekov; marrow sample, Chekov; skin sample, Chekov." If I live long enough, I'm going to run out of samples.
Sulu: [quietly amused] You'll live.
Chekov: Oh, yes, I'll live, but I won't enjoy it!
- At the end, the Enterprise is attacked by Romulans. Kirk pulls off the Corbomite Maneuver again, which makes the Romulans pathetically flee. So much for the fearless Empire.
- "Interrupting another autopsy report, Mr. Spock, is not a disturbance. It's a relief."
- Followed by this:Spock: I need your advice.
McCoy: ...Then I need a drink.
- Followed by this:
- Chapel threatening the young Ensign is a moment of funny for her—and then we discover that it had been a bluff. She was, in her own words, "applying psychology."
- As Kirk, Bones, and the others are standing outside Garrovick's quarters, where Spock was last seen fighting for his life against the creature, when the door opens to reveal Spock, looking perfectly well.Kirk: Don't misunderstand my next question. Mr. Spock, why aren't you dead?
- This:Scotty: Captain, thank Heaven!
Spock: Mr. Scott, there was no deity involved. It was my cross-circuit to B that recovered them.
McCoy: Then thank pitchforks and pointed ears!
2x14 Wolf in the Fold
- Sulu shows just how Seen It All the crew of a starship can be sometimes:Redjac: [over intercom] You and all aboard your ship are about to die!
Kirk: Try and cut that thing off.
Sulu: [only slightly worried] That's the first time I heard a "malfunction" threaten us...
- After Redjac invades the Enterprise's computer, Spock deals with the situation by ordering the computer, under highest priority, to calculate the value of pi all the way to the end. Redjac shrieks as the computer slips out of his control.
- Kirk walking down the corridor with Hengeist, who's continuing his threats to kill everyone on the Enterprise between giggles, slung casually over his shoulder.
- To help combat Redjac, who feeds on fear, Kirk orders the crew to get an arm full of tranquilizer each. The entire crew becomes giggly and carefree (even Bones). Sulu in particular looks baked. To make it even funnier, Sulu undergoes a mid-sentence mood swing because of it. The tranquilizer takes effect so rapidly that Sulu begins sounding concerned, then, once McCoy sticks a hypo in his arm, he shifts abruptly to chuckling and quipping about Redjac's gloominess.Sulu: [smiling blissfully] With an arm full of this stuff, I wouldn't be afraid of a supernova!
- Spock and Kirk are the only members of the crew aboard who don't partake in the tranquilizer, and Spock in particular is visibly annoyed by the behavior of the other crew. Kirk just quips that he doesn't expect a lot of work to get done for the next few hours.
2x15 The Trouble with Tribbles
- Every one of Kirk's "This is such a BS mission" moments, and his not-subtle-at-all insults to the man responsible for starting it.Kirk: I have never questioned the orders, or the intelligence, of any representative of the Federation. (beat) Until now.
- Kirk downing his drink in one the instant he manages to get to a bar. His day only gets worse from there.
- Kirk's growing frustration with the Tribbles multiplying on his ship is hysterical to watch, especially this bit, where he ends up buried up to his armpits in Tribbles. The glare he gives Bones after telling him to find out how the Tribbles died is priceless.
- The massive shit-eating grin McCoy is wearing when he comes in to say how to stop the Tribbles from breeding.McCoy: Jim, I think I've got it! All we have to do is quit feeding them! We quit feeding them, they stop breeding!
- Then Kirk's reaction to it:Kirk: [with deadpan exasperation] Now he tells me.
- This moment is even funnier when those Tribbles keep hitting Kirk in the head every few seconds. They're being thrown by some prop guys on the other side, but they kept going long after they should've stopped.Kirk: As captain, I want two things done. First, find Cyrano Jones. And second... (glances up at the open door in sheer annoyance) close that door?
- It gets even better. In-Universe, those Tribbles keep falling on him because Sisko and Dax were throwing them!
- Even even better is the meta reason for the avalanche. There were originally only meant to be a dozen or so Tribbles, but the crew decided to keep throwing them long after they were meant to stop because they'd had enough of Shatner's attitude.
- Then Kirk's reaction to it:
- Whenever Kirk encounters a tribble (or many tribbles), the soundtrack plays a discordant, off-kilter, sing-song trill, which perfectly captures just how fed up Kirk is getting with the little varmints.
- The massive shit-eating grin McCoy is wearing when he comes in to say how to stop the Tribbles from breeding.
- Spock picks up a Tribble and begins absentmindedly stroking it.
- Not to mention the end when we find out that the fuzzy little balls of trouble were transported to the Klingon ship, which is all the more hilarious because you learn early on that Tribbles and Klingons hate each other.
- The scene in the bar. Particularly memorable are the Klingons insulting Kirk and no one fighting until Scotty loses his cool when the Klingons insult the Enterprise.Scotty: Laddie, don't you think you should...rephrase that?
Korax: (with Scottish burr) Yerr right...Ah should.
- And then there's Kirk's reaction to the fight afterwards:
- Even better is how Scotty cheerily rattles off the various insults the Klingons had slung towards Kirk before indignantly telling Kirk what had tipped him over the edge, primarily because of Kirk's expression upon hearing all the opportunities Scotty had intentionally let slip by to defend his Captain.Scott: Well, Captain, the Klingons called you, uh, a tin-plated, overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood.Kirk: Is that all?Scott: No, sir. They also compared you with a Denebian slime devil.Kirk: I see.Scott: And then they said you—Kirk: I get the picture, Scotty!
- Even funnier is Kirk's barely-audible "No?" in response to Scotty's reply about whether he threw the first punch after the Klingons insulted Kirk.
- And after all this, Kirk has to punish one of his senior officers for starting a bar brawl with a hostile species over insults to a ship.Kirk: You're confined to quarters until further notice.
Scotty: Yes sir. (beat, huge grin) Thank you, sir! It'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals!
(Kirk watches Scotty leave with a "what did I do to deserve this" look on his face)
- Also Cyrano Jones's Strolling Through the Chaos bit during the fight, complete with drink in hand. He reaches the door of the bar and a mass of Enterprise security officers comes pouring into the room, followed by the bartender who snatches the drink away. Jones just pulls another drink out of his jacket pocket and downs it.
- After Kirk presents Cyrano Jones with an alternative to being shipped off to a rehabilitation colony, which is to pick up every Tribble on the space station:Kirk: You'll do it?
Spock: He'll do it.note
Jones: I'll do it!
- And the poor bartender is just standing there in the background, buried in tribbles.
- This little bit:Kirk: Oh, I heard you.
Spock: He simply could not believe his ears.
[Kirk starts to answer, but then double-takes a look back at Spock, clearly not believing he just said that.]
- This exchange between Spock and McCoy in Sickbay:Spock: There's something disquieting about these creatures.McCoy: Don't tell me you've got a feeling.Spock: Don't be insulting, Doctor. They remind me of the lilies of the field; they toil not, neither do they spin. But they seem to eat a great deal. I see no practical use for them.McCoy: Does everything have to have a practical use for you? They're nice, soft, and furry, and they make a pleasant sound.Spock: So would an ermine violin, but I see no advantage in having one.McCoy: It's a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if they're attractive in some way.Spock: Doctor, I am well aware of human characteristics. I am frequently inundated by them, but I've trained myself to put up with practically anything.
- When McCoy states that he likes the tribbles, Spock makes an exasperated look that screams "not this again."
- And Spock's response to McCoy saying he likes tribbles better than he likes the Vulcan/Human officer:Spock: [The tribbles] do have one redeeming characteristic.McCoy: What's that?Spock: They do not talk too much. [McCoy looks annoyed] If you'll excuse me, sir. [leaves]
- The It's Personal-intensity in the look on Shatner's face and the tone in his voice when Kirk finds the tribbles have eaten his chicken sandwich and coffee. That's the last straw!
Kirk: I want these things off the ship! I don't care if it takes every last man we've got, I want them off the ship!
- The tribble that consumed the coffee is still jammed in the cup, with just the top bit of fur poking out.
- After the tribbles screech at Darvin, Kirk starts holding them near various people to confirm what that means:Kirk: (Holds tribbles near Korax. Tribbles screech.) You're right, Mister Jones. They don't like Klingons. (Holds tribbles near Spock. Tribbles purr.) But they do like Vulcans. I didn't know you had it in you.
Spock: Obviously tribbles are very perceptive creatures, Captain.
Kirk: Obviously. (Holds tribbles near Baris. Tribbles purr.) Mister Baris, they like you. Well, there's no accounting for taste. (Holds tribbles near Darvin. Tribbles screech.) They don't like you, Mister Darvin. I wonder why...
- What's the Klingon version of the Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique?Kirk: Mr. Darvin, you want to talk?Darvin: I have nothing to say. (1 second of having two trilling tribbles pushed a few inches closer to him so they start screeching) All right! I poisoned the grain! Take them away!
- And when Kirk tells Koloth to get his butt out of Federation space after the plot to poison the grain is exposed, the tribbles in Kirk's arms start screeching at Koloth, as if they're saying "Yeah, get outta here!" No wonder Kirk starts warming up to them.
- When the bartender and Cyrano Jones are negotiating the sale price per tribble, the bartender goes from one to two to four credits, but when he's forced to up his offer to five, he says the word in a hollow, groaning, pained voice.
2x16 The Gamesters of Triskelion
- Scotty needs to learn how to phrase things better to prevent confusion:Scotty: Mr. Spock, the Captain, Lieutenant Uhura, and Chekov... They vanished! They got onto the transporter platform and... they just... vanished!
Spock: [beat] I presume you mean they vanished in a manner not usually consistent with the workings of the transporter, Mr. Scott?
Scotty: Aye, of course, I mean that! You think I'd call if they just beamed down!?!
- Spock explains that they must have hope for a rational explanation:McCoy: Hope? I always thought that was a Human failing, Mr. Spock.
Spock: True, Doctor. Constant exposure does result in a certain degree of contamination.
[McCoy tries very hard not to look irritated while Scotty gives him a "you should have known better" look]
- All of their banter throughout the episode is hilarious.
- "You're out of your Vulcan mind, Spock!"
- Just the look on Chekov's face when his thrall tries to get... comfortable with him. And on top of that, pronouncing his name wrong.Chekov:That's very kind of you....miss?, but....
2x17 A Piece of the Action
- Kirk distracts a group of gangsters by teaching them Fizzbin, a complicated card game which he improvises on the spot. Kirk, Spock and McCoy break free while the gangsters are busy trying to figure out the intentionally complicated rules.
Kirk: ...but the odds of getting a royal fizzbin are astro— Spock, what are the odds of getting a royal fizzbin?
- Made into possibly the longest Brick Joke in Star Trek history when Deep Space Nine makes a reference to the game.
- Kirk and Spock wearing gangster suits and hats.
- Kirk's attempts to drive a 1930s-styled car.Kirk: I kind of like this. I'm going to get one myself. [proceeds to drive the car in reverse]
- A kid takes note of Spock's ears, and Spock points at the boy and goes "Young man..." in a chiding tone.
- That same kid offers to help Kirk and Spock pull off a hit on mob boss Krako, provided they give him "a piece of the action." Kirk negotiates with him seriously, and the kid's plan actually works.
- Near the end, Spock finally gets the hang of Iotians' current social conventions.Spock: [points a machine gun in Oxmyx's face] I'd advise ya's ta keep dialin', Oxmyx.
- On a similar note, Kirk is clearly having way too much fun talking like a gangster. Particularly funny is he keeps having to drop the gangster voice to quietly explain to Scotty what the hell he's talking about.
- Scotty tells Krako that he'd better mind his manners or he'll be wearing "concrete galoshes." Scotty just stands there, smiling proudly to himself over having nailed the weird slang, and the guy cautiously asks if he means "cement overshoes." Scotty hesitates for a moment before saying yes.
2x18 The Immunity Syndrome
- When the viewing screen goes blank:Kirk: Malfunction, Spock?
Spock: Negative, Captain. All equipment functioning properly.
Kirk: Then kindly tell me what happened to the stars!
- After a power loss, Scotty tells Kirk not to ask how it happened.Kirk: I am asking how it happened!
- This:Kirk: What boundary?
Spock: The boundary between where we were and where we are now.
Kirk: ...Are you trying to be funny, Mr. Spock?
Spock: It would never occur to me, Captain.
- Scotty tries to put the ship into reverse, only for it to lurch forwards. Spock suggests applying forward thrusters. Scotty doesn't think it'll work as it "goes against logic," and Kirk replies that if it doesn't he'll never let Spock live it down.
- Both Spock and McCoy volunteer to go into the organism, and after consideration, Kirk decides that Spock is more qualified to go (and more capable of surviving). After penetrating the organism:Spock: Oh, and Dr. McCoy... you would not have survived.
McCoy: You wanna bet?
- Then, when they finally enter the organism and get thrown around the bridge:
- And when they discover that Spock is still alive, they put a tractor beam on his shuttle. Spock tells them to forget the attempt, which leads to this immortal exchange:McCoy: Shut up, Spock! We're rescuing you! [determined nod]
Kirk: [returns the determined nod with an amused (and moved) smile]
Spock: Why, thank you, Captain McCoy.
- Then this, after they escape:Spock: Shuttlecraft to Enterprise. Permission to come aboard.
Kirk: Spock, you're alive!
Spock: Obviously, Captain.
- What's funnier is that Kirk snarked at Chekov for being a Captain Obvious earlier.
2x19 A Private Little War
- While Spock appears to be out cold, Chapel takes his hand in hers worriedly, but she lets go again when Dr. M'Benga enters. Then the doctor explains that Spock is in a state of concentration, meaning that he's fully conscious. Then comes the line, "I suppose he even knows you were holding his hand." A double whammy, as it not only confirms Spock's knowledge of this but also that M'Benga was aware of it too. Chapel's wide-eyed reaction is priceless.
- Later, Chapel is asked by M'Benga that when Spock regains full consciousness, she has to do whatever he says. What does he ask her to do? Hit him, over and over. So hard that Scotty thinks she's attacking him and restrains her, in time for M'Benga to arrive and take over. When done, Spock grabs the doctor's arm effortlessly.Spock: That will be enough, Doctor.
- Chapel then offers to help him, but he turns her down.Spock: I am quite recovered, Nurse.
Chapel: [irritated that he's back to his usual self] Yes, I see you are.
- Later, Chapel is asked by M'Benga that when Spock regains full consciousness, she has to do whatever he says. What does he ask her to do? Hit him, over and over. So hard that Scotty thinks she's attacking him and restrains her, in time for M'Benga to arrive and take over. When done, Spock grabs the doctor's arm effortlessly.
- At the end, when Kirk contacts Spock:McCoy: Spock, you're alive?
Spock: An illogical question, Doctor, as you are obviously hearing my voice.
McCoy: Well, I don't know why I was worried. You can't kill a computer.
[Spock frowns while Scotty grins]
- The entire episode is about primitive (stone age) aliens trying to get their hands on phasers, but throughout the episode various characters keep hitting each with rocks. The viewer can be forgiven for wondering, why would anyone need phasers when there are so many convenient rocks lying around?
2x21 Patterns of Force
- When Kirk and Spock beam down to the planet Ekos, they see a news reading saying that a missile destroyed the enemy. It was the same missile which the Enterprise effortlessly shot down earlier.Kirk: [turning to Spock] You look well for a man who's recently been destroyed, Mr. Spock.
- When a soldier confronts them and sees Spock:Soldier: What kind of monsters are the Zeons sending against us?
Kirk: [pushing Spock away before stepping next to the soldier] He's right! Look at him!
[soldier looks, turning away from Kirk, who proceeds to knock him out]
- Later, when Spock is in the uniform:Kirk: That helmet covers a multitude of sins.
- The then proceed to carry out a similar tactic with another soldier, only this time Spock nerve-pinches the guy.Spock: Your uniform, Captain.
Kirk: Yes, it's a shame yours isn't as attractive as mine.
- Spock then tells Kirk that he would make "a very convincing Nazi." Cue Kirk's Double Take.
- Later, when Spock is in the uniform:
- During the interrogation:Kirk: You're making this a rather one-sided conversation, Major.
- Then when a superior officer arrives, he takes one look at Spock and states that he's not from Zeon. Spock actually rolls his eyes before retorting, "Obviously."
- While making plans to escape, Spock points out the two flaws: The locked door and the guard outside.
- According to Kirk's strain and impatience ("Oh my goodness!") when Spock climbs on his shoulders to use the overhead light as a crude laser, the First Officer is surprisingly heavy. When Spock pauses to explain that his aim will necessarily not be very precise, Kirk testily tells him he doesn't care if he hits the broad side of a barn, just hurry up. Spock is about to do so... then gets a puzzled look on his face, pauses again and asks Kirk in genuine confusion why he would want to aim at such a structure? Kirk's reaction is pants-wettingly hysterical.
- How do they eventually escape? By carrying their Zeon friend (acting unconscious) outside.Kirk: We've caught so many Zeons we have to dump them outside.
- How do they eventually escape? By carrying their Zeon friend (acting unconscious) outside.
- According to Kirk's strain and impatience ("Oh my goodness!") when Spock climbs on his shoulders to use the overhead light as a crude laser, the First Officer is surprisingly heavy. When Spock pauses to explain that his aim will necessarily not be very precise, Kirk testily tells him he doesn't care if he hits the broad side of a barn, just hurry up. Spock is about to do so... then gets a puzzled look on his face, pauses again and asks Kirk in genuine confusion why he would want to aim at such a structure? Kirk's reaction is pants-wettingly hysterical.
- Spock begins to understand why Earth men enjoy gambling:Spock: No matter how much you compete with the odds of success, there is still a... exhilaration in the risk.
Kirk: Very good, Spock. We may make a human of you yet.
Spock: [Vulcan horror] I hope not!
- McCoy getting beamed down half-dressed and looking irritated as hell.McCoy: Stupid computer made a mistake in the measurements! The boots are too tight!
Spock: There is a logical way to proceed, Doctor. Point your toe and push.
- The fact that it takes him half a damn minute to realize that they're all (including himself) dressed as Nazis. "What in blazes is this!?!"
- Just before this, Uhura tells Kirk that Bones is having trouble putting on the SS uniform, and Kirk replies "Well, send him down naked if you have to! We need him!" Cue the transporter beam whine starting immediately, and Kirk having an Oh, Crap! look on his face at the possibility that they're actually following that order.
- Spock's Fascinating Eyebrow when a Nazi describes him as "stupid", and the comic irony that the guy who said Nazi is insulting as intellectually inferior is actually far smarter than anyone else on the planet.
- Spock and McCoy's ending argument:Kirk: Gentlemen, we've just been through one civil war. Let's not start another. Mr. Chekov, take us out of orbit, warp factor 2... and hurry.
2x22 By Any Other Name
- Scotty working his way through his entire liquor cabinet:Scotty: I found this on Ganyroom... uh, uh, Ganymeer... mede...
Tomar: What is it?
Scotty: It's... uh... it's green!
- Also, when Scotty finally, finally drinks him under the table: Scotty/Scotch forever!Scotty: We did it... you and me!
- And then, Scotty tries to get the component that'll help them save the ship...but he's so plastered, he doesn't even make it out of the doorway.
- This scene gets a Shout-Out when Scotty appears in The Next Generation.
- Also, when Scotty finally, finally drinks him under the table: Scotty/Scotch forever!
- Near the end, Kirk is intentionally making Rojan angry, intending to overstimulate him as part of the plan. During the process, Kirk is hurled away, right into the reflexive arms of Spock and McCoy, who have just walked in:Kirk: [like this is normal] I'm stimulating him.
[Spock and McCoy simply throw him back into the fray with barely any change in expression]
2x24 The Ultimate Computer
- McCoy doesn't like the idea of one computer running the Enterprise, and Spock can't help but comment: "The most unfortunate lack in current computer programming is that there is nothing available to immediately replace the starship's surgeon."McCoy: Very funny. If it could, they wouldn't have to replace me. I'd resign.
- Spock is very fascinated by the new computer.McCoy: [to Kirk] Did you see the love-light in Spock's eyes? The right computer finally came along.
- A Black Comedy example: Kirk's hammy line to Daystrom after the M-5 kills a Red Shirt.Kirk: [to Daystrom] That wasn't a minor difficulty. That wasn't a robot! That thing murdered one of my crewmen, and now you're telling me YOU CAN'T SHUT IT OFF?!
- The M-5 goes to red alert, moments after Kirk asks Uhura to put them on alert. This is right after the M-5 automatically acknowledged a message from Starfleet.Uhura: Captain, the M-5...
Kirk: Yes, we can hear the red alert, Uhura.
- "Fantastic machine, the M-5; no off switch!"
- McCoy tells Spock to not say the computer is "fascinating" for doing the opposite of what Dr. Daystrom intended. Spock instead calls it "interesting". McCoy gives a massive eye-roll.
- This, after McCoy tries to make Spock choose between humans and computers:McCoy: I was just trying to make conversation, Spock.
Spock: It would be most interesting to impress your memory engrams on a computer, Doctor. The resulting, torrential wave of illogic would be most interesting.
2x25 Bread and Circuses
- When Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam down to the planet, they find themselves on the edge of a cliff.Kirk: You could have selected a more convenient place, Mr. Spock.
- Spock goes into a lecture on the planet's atmosphere, and McCoy stops him by calling it "smog." Spock says he is aware of this and wonders when McCoy became a historian.McCoy: I am not, Mr. Spock! I was simply trying to stop you from giving us a whole lecture on the subject!
- "Once, just once, I would like to be able to land someplace and shout 'Behold! I am the archangel Gabriel'!"
- "You can hardly claim to be an angel, Mr. Spock, but say you landed someplace with a pitchfork..."
- The party gets shot at and are asked not to move. Kirk reaches for his phaser, gets shot at again, and the command is repeated.Kirk: I think he means it, Spock.
Spock: There would seem to be evidence to that effect.
- Spock: "I call them ears."
- Spock and McCoy arguing. For someone so logical, Spock is an expert on delivering a burn...Spock: Doctor, if I were able to show emotion, your new infatuation with that term would begin to annoy me.McCoy: What term? "Logic?" Medical men are trained in logic, Mr. Spock.Spock: Really, Doctor? I had no idea they were trained. Watching you, I assumed it was trial and error.
- Even better are the reactions from the peanut gallery...
- Spock and McCoy are forced to fight against gladiators:Spock: Doctor, do you need assistance?
McCoy: [on the floor and struggling] Whatever gave you that idea!?! [...] You tell him, buster! Of all the stupid [hit], illogical [hit] questions [hit] I've ever heard in my life!
- That and watching poor McCoy and Flavius, they really don't want to hurt each other. In the end, Flavius tries to coach McCoy through the fight!Flavius: At least defend yourself!
McCoy: [waves his arms exasperatedly, leaving himself wide open to attack] I am defending myself!
- Also, at the start, the broadcasters play some canned studio cheers, and McCoy looks around in confusion as to where the audience is.
- That and watching poor McCoy and Flavius, they really don't want to hurt each other. In the end, Flavius tries to coach McCoy through the fight!
- McCoy trying to thank Spock for saving his life and Spock shrugging the thanks off like it was nothing.McCoy: I'm trying to thank you, you pointy-eared hobgoblin!
- Kirk's explanation of what the Romans did to him? Threw him a few curves, which is Jim-speak for sleeping with a girl.
2x26 Assignment: Earth
- Spock holding the cat. He finds himself... strangely drawn to it.
- Gary Seven's frustration with the computer: "Computer, I have little time for Beta V snobbery!"Computer: Report for two agents not heard from for three days.
Gary: Why didn't you say so in the first place? [computer begins to answer] No, don't answer that.
- "I am aware of proper search procedures, 194!"
- Roberta. "It's typing everything I'm saying! Stop it! STOP IT!"
- "And you're safe, my little green friend."
- Seems the crew of the Enterprise didn't learn from their last trip to the past and end up beaming two police officers aboard.Officer: Charlie...
3x01 - Spock's Brain
- Spock, newly recovered from the brain surgery, sits up and launches into a discussion of what he learned about his captors' history. McCoy gets in a bit of snark:McCoy: I knew it was wrong; I shouldn't have done it.Kirk: Shouldn't have done what, Doctor?McCoy: I should never have reconnected his mouth.[Spock gives a supremely miffed look]
- What makes this even funnier is that when Spock realizes his crewmates are too busy laughing to pay attention, he leans over and begins giving the lecture to his kidnapper, Kara. (Granted, she probably needs the information more...)
3x02 - The Enterprise Incident
- Shatner gloriously Chewing the Scenery as Spock "betrays" him to the Romulan commander, balanced perfectly with Nimoy's stoic delivery of his lines.Spock: I cannot allow the captain to be further destroyed. The strain of command has worn heavily upon him.Spock: He's not been himself for several weeks.Kirk: That's a lie!Spock: As you can see, Captain Kirk is a highly sensitive and emotional person.[Kirk averts his eyes, fuming]Spock: I believe he has lost the capacity for rational decision.Kirk: Shut up, Spock!Spock: [to Kirk] I'm betraying no secrets. The commander's suspicion that Starfleet ordered the Enterprise into the Neutral Zone is unacceptable. Our rapid capture demonstrates its foolhardiness.Kirk: You filthy liar!Spock: I am speaking the truth for the benefit of the Enterprise and the Federation. I say now and for the record, that Captain Kirk ordered the Enterprise across the Neutral Zone on his own initiative and his craving for glory.Kirk: [charges at Spock, only to be restrained by guards] I'll kill you, you filthy traitor! I'll kill you! I...WILL KILL YOU!
- Scotty's comment after Kirk disguises himself as a Romulan:Scott: Well, you look like the Devil himself, but as long as you're alive.
- There's just something inherently funny about Kirk's Romulan disguise. After McCoy's reminder to remove it (or, as the good doctor put it, "bob his ears"), Spock puts it the best:Spock: Captain, please, go. Somehow, they don't look aesthetically agreeable on humans.
3x04 - And The Children Shall Lead
- The teaser, with the kids playing Ring Around The Rosie around Kirk, is simultaneously creepy because the kids don't seem to care that their parents are dead, and hilarious because of Kirk's thousand-yard "please kill me" glare. As if he just realized "So this is season 3, huh?"
3x05 Is There in Truth No Beauty?
- During a meal with the telepathic Dr. Miranda Jones:Miranda: I spent four years on Vulcan studying their mental discipline.
McCoy: You poor girl.
- After the gang finds themselves outside their own galaxy with no way of returning:Chekov: A madman got us into this, and it appears that only a madman can get us out.
Spock: An entertaining suggestion, Mr. Chekov, but not very helpful.
- Spock appears on the bridge, having mind-linked with Kollos... and smiles. "This is delightful!"
- His laughter is practically so alien that it took most viewers by shock.
- McCoy's reaction:McCoy: That's not Spock!
Spock: [stoic] Are you surprised to find that I read Byron, Doctor?
McCoy: That's Spock.
- Again we have Shatner chewing up the scenery as he verbally bullies Miranda into helping Spock.
3x06 Spectre of the Gun
- As Scotty readies himself to test the tranquilizer.Scotty: [takes a drink of bourbon] It's to numb the pain.
Spock: [confused] But Mr. Scott, there is no pain.
Scotty: Should have told me that before.
3x07 Day of the Dove
- At the end of the episode, we get to see Kirk and Kang share a laugh (laughter was necessary to drive off the alien invader forcing them to fight). Whether unintended or not, Kang gives Kirk a pat on the back so hard, poor Kirk actually staggers.
- Kang, when forcing the creature to leave:Kang: Out! We need no urging to hate humans!
3x09 The Tholian Web
- Part of the plot includes McCoy using an infamous Klingon nerve gas agent. Scotty, incredulous, points this out, to which McCoy stresses that, in the form he intends to use it in, all it will do is "deaden certain nerve impulses to the brain." It leads to this immortal line:Scotty: Oh, well, any decent brand of Scotch'll do that.
- Even better, Scotty makes off with the whole flask to see if it goes well with Scotch. With a cheery "I'll let you know!"
3x14 Whom Gods Destroy
- The Alice in Wonderland-esque argument between Garth and Marta over a poem the latter claims to have written:Marta: I'm beautiful! And I'm intelligent too. I write poetry, and I paint marvellous pictures. And I am a wonderful dancer.
Garth: Lies! All lies! You are the greatest liar I have ever met! Let me hear one poem you've written.
Marta: If you like. [later in the scene] Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Garth: You wrote that?
Marta: Yesterday, as a matter of fact.
Garth: It was written by an Earthman named Shakespeare a long time ago!
Marta: Which does not alter the fact that I wrote it again yesterday! I think it's one of my best poems, don't you?
Garth: I may kill you with my bare hands!
- Garth's massive temper tantrum in Kirk's form is a riot.
- This lovely exchange between Spock and Garth:Garth: Blind! Truly blind! Captain Kirk is your commanding officer and you are his subordinate. That is all. Yet, Mr. Spock, you are a worthy commander in your own right and, in my fleet, you will surely have a starship to command.Spock: Please forgive me, but exactly where is your fleet?Garth: Out there waiting for me. They will flock to my cause, and for good reason. Limitless power, limitless wealth, and solar systems ruled by the elite. We, gentlemen, are that elite, and we must take what is rightfully ours from the decadent weaklings that now hold it.Spock: Captain Garth—Garth: Lord Garth!Spock: [in a "Dude, whatever" tone] As you wish. At any rate, you must be aware of the fact that you are attempting to re-create the disaster which resulted in your becoming an inmate in this place.Garth: I was betrayed and treated barbarically.Spock: On the contrary, you were treated with justice and with compassion, which you failed to show towards any of your intended victims. Logically, therefore, one must assume—Garth: REMOVE THIS ANIMAL!
3x20 The Way to Eden
- Space hippies. Space hippies. The outdated slang ("I reach you, brother!") and goofy Protest Songs make for some So Bad, It's Good fun.
- Spock has a very serious talk with Dr. Sevrin, trying to understand why he's so disgruntled. Cut to the bridge, where Spock gives his thoughtful analysis to Kirk:Spock: Dr. Sevrin is... insane.
- McCoy taking time out to explain to Kirk that the plants are full of acid and extremely painful to touch while Chekhov (who had just touched a flower) stands there clutching his hand in pain.
3x24 - Turnabout Intruder
- Just about any scene with Janice in Kirk's body, especially the interrogation scene:Spock: I expect only to reveal the truth.Janice!Kirk: And with the truth revealed that I am not really the captain, and knowing that she would not be allowed to serve as the captain, then you would be the captain! It. Is. INEVITABLE!
- After Spock asserts that Janice is indeed in Kirk's body:Janice!Kirk: It is MUTINY! [pounding the table in anger] Deliberate! Vindicative! Insane at its base!
- After Spock asserts that Janice is indeed in Kirk's body: