The Simpsons Season 6 / Funny

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Season 6: Part 1

104. - "Bart of Darkness"

Springfield is being affected by a heat wave.
- Hans Moleman stares at the sun. His Coke bottle glasses concentrate the sun rays and set him on fire, burning him similar to what a magnifying glass does to an ant.
  Moleman: Oh, rats...
- Principal Skinner is in a wax museum full of melted figures, and complains that he's up to his knees in the original cast of M*A*S*H.
- A hippie makes the mistake of singing John Denver's "Sunshine on My Shoulders" and is punched by a random guy.
Bart and Lisa runs outside when they hear the ice cream truck coming, only for the ice cream man to inexplicably be yelling about how he's out of ice cream while still playing the truck jingle.
Driver: ICE CREAM! I'M ALLLL OUT OF ICE CREAM! It's true, y'know. ICE CREAM!
- They're disappointed, but then they hear another truck approach...
  Texan: CHILI! BOILING HOT TEXAS-STYLE CHILI! AND WE GOT GINGER ALE! BOILING HOT TEXAS STYLE GINGER ALE! (truck disappears from sight) TEXAS!
Bart and Lisa nag Homer for a swimming pool in their backyard.
[Lisa and Bart walk into the living room, where Homer is watching TV, and stand between him and the set]
Lisa: Dad? [Homer kneels on the floor and leans over sideways to look around her at the screen; she turns around and switches it off] Dad! [Homer glares at Lisa and switches the TV back on with the remote; Bart glares at Homer and unplugs the TV] DAD!
Homer: [innocently] Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Bart & Lisa: [rapidly, in unison] Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?
Bart: Can we— [Lisa stops him]
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
The Simpson family's first attempt at building a pool results in a large barn being built.
Homer: All right! Everybody in the pool!
Random Amish Man: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
Homer: D'OH-ETH!
Right after Bart misses the pool and crashes onto the ground, Nelson points and gives this trademark "Ha-HA!":
Milhouse: "Woah, Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg!"
Nelson: "I said 'Ha-HA'!"
Bart playing Stratego by himself.
Bart: I swear, I don't know where the bombs are! Only the miners know that!
Homer and Marge are skinny dipping. A police helicopter flies over.
Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, c'mon. Continue! C'mon! (Beat) All right, Lou, open fire.
Days after the opening of the pool, Homer goes for a morning swim. Much to his horror, the quality of the water has been neglected to the point it’s overflowing with algae. Lisa tells him that proper pool care needs occasional chlorine treatment. Smash cut to the next day, where the kids are complaining of burning skin.
Bart uses the telescope to spy on the neighbors Rear Window style...and finds Jimmy Stewart doing the same thing.
Stewart: Grace, c'mere! There's a sinister-looking kid I want you to see!
[...]
Stewart: [after Bart leaves his room to try to save Lisa] Oh no! That crazy looking kid is coming to kill me! Help! Help! [falls over in his wheelchair]
Bart: There was an optics festival and I wasn't informed?! You go now.
Lisa: But-
Bart: GO! (Lisa leaves. Once she's gone, Bart gets out a MAD Magazine proclaiming "The Dark Side of Hippies", and starts chortling) They don't care whose toes they step on.
Lisa is trapped in the pool after everyone gets out to go swim at Martin's pool.
Lisa: Huh? Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out!
Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back.
Ned Flanders was mistaken for murdering his wife Maude. Homer doesn't realize Maude is right there with the others.
Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife!
Maude: Um, I'm right here.
Homer: Oh, I see! So then I guess everything's all wrapped up in a neat little package! (Beat) Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic!
- When Bart asks why did he hear a woman scream, we get this
  Ned: [awkwardly] Oh? Well, now that I can't explain.
  Lou: [holding Maude's dead plant] Found it, chief!
  Ned: [Screaming]
  Bart: Oh.
When Martin gets his own pool:
Martin: Soon I'll be queen of summer! Oh, uh king! King! (cut to two bemused-looking pool guys)
- Later, when Martin's pool has been destroyed by having too many kids in at once, Nelson yanks his trunks off and leaves him standing naked and forlorn amidst the wreckage of his pool. Then Martin starts singing.
Martin: Oh, the gentle caress of a summer breeze. [with the sun setting, bittersweet Jazz music begins to play as Martin sings to no one in particular] The Summer Wind, came blowing in, from across the seeeeeaaaa...
When Bart phones the Springfield Police Department after seeing Ned walking into his house with an axe:
Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-u-Fone[tm]. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. (Bart randomly presses numbers on the keypad) You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.
Bart hears digging coming from the Flanders' garden and sees Ned filling in a grave:
Bart: Oh, this can't be what it looks like! There's gotta be some other explanation!
Ned: I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned: (yelling) I'M A MUR-DIDDLEY-URDLER!!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.
Bart figures if his leg is broken he can at least spend summer watching TV. Alas, since this is the mid-90s, no dice.
Krusty: Krusty's out of here for the Summer, but in the mean time, we'll be showing... (groans in disgust) Klassic Krusty.
(immediately, it starts playing an old 60s Krusty the Klown show, a black and white talk show)
60s Krusty: Good evening. My guest tonight is AFL-CIO chairman George Meaney. We'll be discussing collective bargaining agreements.
Meaney: It's a pweasure to be here, Kwustey.
Krusty: Let me be blunt: Is there a labor crisis in America?
Meaney: Well, that depends on what you mean by "cwisis".
Bart: Awwwwww...

105. - "Lisa's Rival"

Lisa's class is taking a test.
Ralph: (whispering) Lisa, what's the answer to number 9?
Lisa: (whispering) Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: ...My cat's name is Mittens.
Marge and Lisa agree about their food tasting weird. Homer tells them why it does.
Marge: Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.
Lisa: It hurts my teeth.
Homer: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! (holds up a bag containing "Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar") Marge, our ship has come in! I found 500 pounds of sugar in the forest that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for a low, low price of $1 per pound.
Marge: But the grocery store sells sugar for 35 cents a pound.
Lisa: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.
Homer: Those are prizes! (eats a mouthful, then takes something out of his mouth) Ooh, a blasting cap.
Homer attempting to sell sugar to Seymour Skinner.
Homer: (ringing the doorbell) Sugar man! (He takes a bite of sugar from the bag, then Seymour answered the door)
Seymour: Door-to-door sugar? (chuckles) What a marvelous idea! (Then Agnes is heard talking what appears to say, "Who's at the door?") What's that mother? I'm just talking to the sugar man! (Agnes is heard again) Mother, I'm a big boy and I can do as I wish! (to Homer) Excuse me. (he closes the door for a moment and opens it again) Thanks a lot, Simpson. Now I'm grounded!
Marge wants Homer to get rid of the sugar pile. Homer gives her reasons for why he won't do it.
Homer: Never! Never, Marge. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
- Earlier we have the random British guy hiding in Homer's sugar pile to steal sugar for his tea. We also have this piece of advice for success by Homer.
Homer: In America, first you get the sugar. Then you get the power. Then you get the women.
Bart somehow got Milhouse's name on the America's Most Wanted. It ends up with him in a parody of The Fugitive.
- Milhouse is on a jungle gym when two FBI agents spot him from a car and "try" to take him alive by driving into the jungle gym.
  Milhouse: Oh, No... Not Again! (jumps off, is seen running from the car in the background)
- Bart tipped off the feds as to the whereabouts of Milhouse. Cut to Milhouse being held at gunpoint by an FBI agent at a dam a la The Fugitive.
  Milhouse: I'm telling you, I didn't do anything!
  FBI Agent: I don't care!
  Milhouse: (jumps off the dam) My glasses!
  - And later, Milhouse is back, and has tape all over his glasses.
Some bees find their way to Homer's sugar pile and start eating it. Homer tries to shoo them away and he gets stung by them.
Homer: OW!! AHHHH! They're defending themselves somehow!
The beekeepers find out their bees were attracted to Homer's sugar pile. For whatever reason, they're modeled after Adam West and Burt Ward as Batman and Robin.
Beekeeper #1: To the bee-mobile!
Beekeeper #2: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper #1: (beat) Yes.
(later)
Beekeeper #1: Simpson, you diabolical...
Homer's fear about people taking his sugar proves accurate when he finds an Englishman in it, holding a cup of tea.
Homer: Alright pal, start talking. Where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Man: I nicked it, when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. (sips tea, while walking away) Goodbye.
Lisa gets depressed that Allison gets a seat in the school band and does an imagine spot where the second best musicians to form the second best band only to get booed.
Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?
At the diorama fair, Üter's display is for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but Skinner and Miss Hoover only find an empty box and a chocolate-smeared Üter.
"I begged you to look at mine first! I begged you!"
Bart's reaction after Lisa's Oliver Twist diorama gets blown out the window.
"Well, the important thing is we survived."
Jimbo auditioning for the school band. He hits a hand drum once, and Largo is impressed: "Someone's been practicing this summer. Welcome aboard." Jimbo: "Yes!" (knocks Martin on the head with the drum)

106. - "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

Marge tells Homer that he spent his Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool instead of working all day at the nuclear plant.
Homer throws Marge's copy of The Bridges of Madison County into a fireplace that magically appeared in the bedroom (it was actually recycled footage from "Dog of Death").
When recapping "Bart the Daredevil", new footage is added in of Homer in the stretcher falling down Springfield gorge.

Commentary

Since this episode was a clip show and a little thin on humor and actual plot, the writers used the commentary time to go over how a Simpsons episode is created from start to finish. After exhaustively cataloging the tremendous amount of work that goes into each one, David Mirkin notes that the process isn't truly complete until the fans label it the worst episode ever (even if the episode is later considered one of the classics).

107. - "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

As they arrive to Itchy and Scratchy land
Helicopter Pilot: Welcome to Itchy and Scratchyland, where nothing can possib-lie go wrong. Uh, possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
- Followed by a quick shot of the Simpsons looking very nervous.
When Bart and Lisa eagerly ask Marge if they can go to Itchy and Scratchy Land. Marge straight-up says "no"and tells them they're going to see the bird sanctuary. Cut to Bart and Lisa looking both crestfallen and slightly off-model.◊
Marge leaves Grampa Abe some instruction on how to take care of the household pets while they are on vacation.
Marge: (to Abe) And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
Abe: No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it.
Marge: OK, bye-bye.
Homer: Bye!
Bart: Bye!
Lisa: Bye, Grampa! (Homer drives the car away)
Abe: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? (looks to the animals) Which one of you is the mailman?
(the animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another)
On the way to Itchy and Scratchy Land, the car encounters an inspection booth, looking for fruits and vegetables:
Homer: Oh, no!
Marge: What's the matter, Homer? We don't have any fruits or vegetables.
Homer: (twitches nervously) The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge! (he looks down at a book labelled "The E to Z Guide to Smuggling Fruits and Vegetables")
(A Squeaky Voiced Teen approaches the car)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Got any fruits or vegetables?
(Homer makes unintelligible noises of utter panic, and guns it. As the car drives off, fruit and veg pour out of the trunk)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Mr. Wembley! It happened again!
Homer and Marge go to a 70s nostalgia bar. Marge notes how the bartender looks like John Travolta. The bartender, who is indeed Travolta, mutters "Yeah, looks like." Some people would say it's even funnier considering he would make his comeback with Pulp Fiction right around this episode's original airdate.
Bart and Lisa view an Itchy & Scratchy short where Itchy is "Pinitchio".
Scratchy (Geppetto): Now you be-a good, Pinitchio. And don't-a you lie.
Itchy (Pinocchio): I promise I will never hurt you.
(Pinitchio's nose grows and skewers one of Scratchy's eyes out)
Scratchy (Geppetto): OUCH-A!
Bart and Lisa check out what is for sale at the gift shop.
Bart: Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"..."Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Boy: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
The vacation starts turning into hell for the Simpson family.
Marge: (to clerk) I want all 5 T-shirts to say "Best Family Vacation Ever!".
P.A.: Attention, Marge Simpson! Your son has been arrested.
(shoppers gasp)
Female Shopper: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother...
(Marge groans)
P.A.: Attention, Marge Simpson! We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
(Marge groans more)
- On top of that, notice the clerk very quickly pressing the first shirt before Marge can change her mind.
As Lisa and Marge go to get Homer and Bart, a park employee reports that all the Bort license plates have been bought in the gift shop. This led to defictionalization, as the Universal Studios theme parks sell Bort key-chains. And yes, they frequently sell out.
The store also sells dolls of characters from the short-lived Itchy And Scratchy And Friends Hour. Problem was, the shorts never had a supporting cast, so the show featured a bunch of half-assed new characters such as Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, and Ku-Klux-Clam, all of them rather unmemorable though Bart claims Disgruntled Goat had his moments.
Lisa and Marge arrive at the jail cell with Homer and Bart inside.
Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
Guard: (German accent) OK, throw her in the hole.
Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!
- Afterwards, Homer claims he was a political prisoner.
Marge: HOW were you a political prisoner?!
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt, do I have to draw you a diagram?!
Professor Frink believes his math is correct, but he ends up tempting fate.
Prof. Frink: Not to worry, gentlemen. According to my calculations, the robots will not go insane for at least 24 hours. (robots go insane, checks his sheet again) Oh, I forgot to carry the one.
The Simpson family is left to deal with an army of killer Itchy & Scratchy robots. As they use flash photography to stop the robots, Homer attempts to imitate Bart channeling his inner movie action hero.
Homer: Die bad robots! Die! (laughs) With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.
Marge originally planned a family vacation to a bird sanctuary. When they're being attacked by the robots during the climax, she bitterly says that they should have gone there instead. Cut to the bird sanctuary which is currently in the middle of a massive bird attack à la The Birds.
Hans Moleman: [in a phonebooth with birds slamming against it] I need the biggest seedball you have! ...no, that's too big.
The sheer slapstick and over-the-top nature of the water log ride. It begins with a classic 'jerky' start, at one point Marge nearly has an eye poked out and it ends with their log being cut in half.
Euro-Itchy and Scratchyland being totally empty:
French attendant Come on... my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!

Deleted Scenes

Lisa tries the Liar's Paradox on the robots.
Lisa: Robots, listen to me carefully. Everything I am about to tell you is a lie. Now... I am lying to you.
Robots: (shrugs) Eh.
Lisa: Oooh, they're smarter than I thought!

Commentary

David Mirkin claims the genesis of the episode came about from a change of staff at Fox, who summoned him to their offices and said "Our standards have changed, you can't do Itchy & Scratchy anymore." According to Mirkin, his response was "Well, our standards have not."

108. - "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

Marge gets rid of Bart's fireworks, believing that they're for a prank.
Bart: (condescending tone) Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, er, fireworks. (displays a bundle)
Marge: Mmm...Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. (takes the bundle, douses it in sink, and throws it away)
(cut to Springfield Elementary School)
Skinner: And now, as a special sendoff and a way to say "Gong Hei Fat Choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. (he motions to Bart; Bart looks at Mrs. Krabappel and she groans as she gives him an "F")
Chinese Principal #1: All week, he promise big firework display.
Chinese Principal #2: Bad student.
Chinese Principal #1: Uh-uh...bad principal.
When Lisa complains about having to listen to Birch Barlow's right-wing talk show, Homer replies that he's driving and thus he picks the radio station. When Lisa drives, then she can pick the radio station. Gilligan Cut to Lisa driving the car and listening to "St. Elmo's Fire."
Homer: Ooooh. I can't take it anymore! Let's switch back!
Bob's broadcast is discovered by Lisa, who breaks the news to Bart.
Lisa: Bart! Your mortal enemy is on the radio!
(Bart looks anxiously at the radio)
Radio DJ: It's time for more DEEEEEEMENTIA with Dr. Demento!
(Bart screams in terror and throws his radio out the window)
Radio DJ: And now, the Funny five!
(The radio crashes outside)
Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy: Sideshow Bob.
Bart: (gasps) Sideshow Bob? I'm only ten and I've got two mortal enemies.
When Sideshow Bob is released from jail, he falls into the water because the prison is established on an island.
Guard: Boat's on the other side!
Bob: Yes, thank you.
The Springfield Republicans meet at a Castle Dracula-like castle (which is and will be known in the series as the Republican Party Headquarters) and start off every meeting with Ominous Latin Chanting. Then they select a new mayoral candidate, which happens to be Sideshow Bob.
Barlow: If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield.
(the door opens to reveal a water cooler; everyone applauds. The cooler bubbles)
Senator: What'd it say?
Barlow: No, no, no, Bob. Bob, come in!
Bob: A fine "Mahoke" to you all.
Dr. Hibbert: Why, he's even better!
Rainier: I agree. I like the human touch.
Jimbo Jones bums bumper stickers off Bart and Lisa. He covers Milhouse in a bunch of them, puts him in a shopping cart, and rolls him down a hill.
Jimbo: All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
Bob: That was a big mistake, Bart. No child has ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it.
- After that, Sideshow Bob kicks Bart out of his limo. Next, the whole Archie Gang — Archie, Jughead, Reggie and Moose — pull up in Archie's Alleged Car and kick Homer out to the sidewalk, all frowning at him as Moose warns him to "Duhh, stay outta Riverdale!" before driving off. Noodle Incidentary at its finest!
The political ad for Sideshow Bob's campaign speaks for itself here:
"Mayor Quimby supports revolving door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob, a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Major Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for mayor."
The Springfield voters can be pretty stupid.
- Homer is shown inside a voting booth, reading a pamphlet.
  Homer: Hmm, I don't approve of his Bart killing policy. But I do approve of his Selma killing policy! (pulls lever)
- After him there's a cut to Krusty in the voting booth.
  Krusty: He did frame me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. (pulls lever)
The Simpsons family gets a rude awakening due to an earthquake-like rumble.
Homer: Aaaaahhhh! It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes! (he runs outside and sees Mayor Sideshow Bob)
Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction for our new Matlock Expressway. (A big bridge is seen under construction above the Simpsons residence and other surrounding houses) However, I an a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
Marge: Homer, we have to stop them!
Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwiggiger. And no one in my family is gonna stand for it!
(a honking sound is heard on the bridge where Grampa Abe is driving a car)
Abe: Move your gol-darn house, son!
Bart and Lisa are told to meet a mysterious man (Smithers) in a parking garage, as he has information to give them.
Lisa: This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein.
Bart: Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting in the car reading Archie comics.
Homer: (reading the comic and grumbling) Stuck-up Riverdale punks. Think they're too good for me''
Bart and Lisa finding out Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper apparently voted for Bob. The Bopper's tombstone has a figure of him holding a telephone with "GOOOOODBYE, BABY!" inscribed under it.
Bart's reaction to Lisa declaring "Now it's personal!" after finding out her dead cat was involved in Bob's election fraud.
Bart: Hey, um...he did try to kill me.
Sideshow Bob in court. Supporting Bart and Lisa's case is Lionel Hutz.
Hutz: Mr. Mayor, did you rig the election?
Bob: (completely stone-faced) No, I did not.
(Beat, before Hutz looks at Bart and Lisa)
Hutz: Kids, help.
There's a decent A Few Good Men parody between Bart and Sideshow Bob in court.
Bob: What do you want?
Bart: We want the truth!
Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!
Sideshow Bob's speech in court.
Bob: Because you need me, Springfield! Your guilty consciences may force you to vote Democratic, but inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! That's why I did this! To protect you from yourselves! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.
Judge Snyder: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest!
Bob: What?! (resignedly) Oh, yes, all that stuff I did...
Mayor Quimby's political jingle.
♪Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really stink.
We wouldn't have a tire yard or a mid-sized roller rink.
We wouldn't have our gallows, or our shiny Bigfoot trap.
It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed!♪
And the message at the end: "Quimby! If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you! Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee."
Bart being sent back to kindergarten by Bob's manipulations. He turns out to be perfectly happy with it. Adding to this is when Skinner informs Bart about this. Mrs. Krabappel appears behind Bart with a bottle of wine and a wine glass, and laughs at him.
Kindergarten Teacher: Now, who can tell me what this is?
Bart: Triangle!
Teacher: (sincerely) Very good, Bart. You have first choice of toys for free play.
Bart: Cool! I call the Flinstones Phone!
(he rushes over to the phone and 'dials' on it)
Fred Flinstone: Yabba-dabba-do, I like talkin' to you!
(Bart guffaws like an idiot)
The beginning of the mayoral debate.
Larry King: The League of Uninformed Votes presents: The Springfield Mayoral Debate. I'm your moderator, Larry King. And now a word to our audience: Even though we're being broadcast on... Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.
(the audience begins obnoxiously hooting and hollering)
Larry King: Uaugh!
Birch Barlow's not-exactly-neutral questions at the debate:
Barlow: Sideshow Bob, councilman Les Whinen says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that?
Bob: I'd say that Les Whinen ought to do more thinking and less whining! (audience laughs and claps)
Lisa: There's no councilman Les Whinen.
Bart: Good line, though.
Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you're well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much blood on the knob-
Quimby: What is your, uh, question?
Barlow: My question is about the budget, sir.
Sideshow Bob's inaugural address as mayor:
Bob: (approaches podium) A-hem... (maniacal, evil laughter)
Kent Brockman: And just look how happy he is!
Bob: (continues to laugh evilly, so much his face starts turning red)
The ending to the episode:
(Bob crumples a newspaper detailing his arrest)
Bob: Someday, I'll have my revenge... someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool!
(the camera pulls out to reveal Bob standing in front of an open gate in a minimum security prison. In the background, a group of rowers are practicing)
Team Captain: Stroke, stroke, stroke... say, Terwilliger's a Yaley. Bob, come on! We need a ninth to run against the Princeton alums.
Bob: Princeton!? (annoyed grumble)
(Bob immediately rushes over to join the team)
(Bart's listening to the radio during school)
Barlow: Well, I've had it! I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free.
Bart: Nooo!
[class stops, looks at him]
Edna: Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.
As Barlow supports Bob, we get this, from Moe's Bar:
Barlow: My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want everyone listening to do everything they can to get him out of jail.
Moe: Alright, you heard the man. (he takes out a box of grenades and starts handing them out) Here, everyone take one hand grenade each.
Barney: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots political action.
Moe: Gee, ya think so? (he considers this) A'right, everyone give the grenades back. C'mon. Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?!
(the scene cuts away)
How Lisa acquires the information on who voted for whom:
Records clerk: Here you go, all twenty-eight thousand voters and who each one of them voted for.
Lisa: I thought this was a secret ballot.
Clerk: (shrugs) Meh.
The Brick Joke of the bats in the public library.
During the mayoral campaign, Bob tries currying favour with the OAPs.
Abe: That Mayor Quimby promised to build us a Matlock Expressway! How ya gonna top that, smart guy?
Bob: Hmm... how about this? I'll not only build your Matlock Expressway, I will spend the rest of the afternoon listening to your interminable anecdotes.
Abe: Hot diggety damn! Me first! (the elderly mob Bob) Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. T'weren't much on the air back then. Just Edison repeating the alphabet ooooover and ooooover. "A", he'd say. Then "B". "C" would usually follow...
Bob: (annoyed grumble)

109. - "Treehouse of Horror V"^note

A. - The Shinning

The Simpson family is driving to Mr. Burns' lodge.
(the title card says "Tuesday", then cut to the family in the car)
Homer: Well, it's been a long trip, but we're almost there.
Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
Homer: ...D'oh!
(cut to title card that says "Wednesday", then back to the family)
Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're almost there again.
Marge: Homer, when you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
Homer: D'oh-d'oh!
(cut to title card that says "Thursday", then back to the now tired family, only this time, Grampa Abe is missing)
Lisa: (gasps) Oh no! We left Grampa back at the gas station! (dead silence) What about Grampa?
The parody of The Shining's premise, where it isn't the building responsible for Homer's behaviour, instead...
Mr. Burns: Yes, by cutting off the cable TV, and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to consider that maybe it was doing this that caused all the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Mr. Burns: (thinks about it) Hmm, Perhaps you're right. Tell you what, Smithers, we come back and everyone's slaughtered? I owe you a Coke.
Bart uses a chainsaw to saw his way out of a hedge maze. Groundskeeper Willie finds out Bart has the Shinning and advises him when to use it.
Bart: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Willie: Why you little— (thinking) No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into Haggis!
Bart: What's Haggis?
Willy: (gasps) Boy...you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
Bart: You mean "Shining".
Willie: Shhh! You Wanna Get Sued?? Now look, boy: if your da goes gaga, you just use that... "Shin" of yours to call me and I'll come a runnin'. But don't be reading my mind between 4 and 5. That's Willie's time!
How Homer is convinced to turn on his family. Whereas Jack Torrance had to be worked on by the hotel for weeks, Homer takes about two minutes.
(Homer's sitting alone in the mansion's ballroom. Moe's ghost appears at the bar.)
Moe: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe: No, not unless you kill your family.
Homer: ... Why should I kill my family?
Moe: Uh... they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer: You don't look so happy.
Moe: Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy! La la la la la, see? (grabs Homer) Now waste your family and I'll give ya a beer!
Marge figures that what Homer typed on the typewriter would be a window into his madness. But when she approaches the typewriter, she is relieved when the paper only says, "Feelin' fine" written once, but then discovers a phrase written on the walls: "NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY"
Homer: (eerily calm) So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking of something along the lines of "No TV and no beer make Homer..." something something.
Marge: (nervous) ..."Go Crazy"?
Homer: (hysterically) DON'T MIND IF I DO!! (goes on a wacky rant)
(Marge screams and smashes open a case labeled "Break glass in case of spousal insanity" and grabs the baseball bat within)
Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!
Homer: (chases Marge up some stairs) Give me the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat. Gimmethebat! Come on! Gimmethebat! Gimme the bat! (says random words and makes a scary face) Ha ha ha! Scaredy cat! (makes another scary face) Bleaahhh... (sees himself in a mirror) AAAAAHH! (falls down the stairs, knocking himself out; Marge leaves his unconscious body locked in a pantry)
"Now you stay here 'till you're no longer insane." (looks at pantry shelf) "Hmmm, chilli will be good tonight." (takes can of chilli and leaves)
Homer locked in the pantry:
(Homer is busy stuffing himself with everything he can get his hands on)
Moe: (knocks on door) Homer, it's Moe! Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned that the project isn't moving forward.
Homer: (while chewing on a turkey leg) Can't murder now. Eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud... C'mon. (Moe, alongside several horror villains such as Freddy Krueger, Pinhead, Dracula and Jason Voorhees bursts in and drags Homer kicking and screaming out of the pantry)
As the rest of the family is eating dinner, Homer has been dragged out of the food pantry and he starts chopping down doors with an axe.
(Homer chops through a door with an axe)
Homer: Heeeere's Johnny! (the camera pulls back to reveal an empty room) D'oh!
(Homer chops through a second door)
Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman! (the camera pulls back to reveal Grandpa standing at the door)
Abe: Hi David, I'm Grampa!
Homer: D'oh!
(Homer chops through a third door)
Homer: (holding a ticking stopwatch) I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes! (gives sadistic grin)
Family: Aaaaah! (they get up and start running)
Groundskeeper Willie dies from being axed in the back by psychopathic Homer.
Willie: I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! (opens door to lodge) All right, loony: show me what you got!
(Homer drives an axe into his back)
Willie: Ack! Is that the best you can do? (collapses to the floor)
Homer sees the hand held TV Lisa finds in the snow.
Homer: Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover... Urge to kill fading...fading...fading... (family approaches) RISING!...fading...fading...gone.
The family becomes frozen from sitting in the cold snow and is forced to watch the Tony Awards, hosted by Tyne Daly, as "One" from A Chorus Line is performed.
Bart: Homer, change channel!
Homer: Can't. Frozen!
Singers: ONE!
Family: AAAAAAAAHHHH!''
Homer: Urge to kill, rising...

B. - Time and Punishment

Homer's hand gets stuck in the toaster. TWICE. Not to mention the whole Mood Whiplash of it all. Homer is eating breakfast with his family talking about how great it is to be with his family, when suddenly, Lisa screams about the toaster.
As Homer realizes he's moving through time:
Homer: Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!
Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer: You are the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody!
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!
- Given Brick Joke status when Mr. Peabody and Sherman end up replacing Kang and Kodos in a later scene.
  Kang: Foolish human, totally unprepared for the effects of time travel!
  (Kang and Kodos laugh for a good ten seconds, then suddenly time alters...)
  Kang: (as Sherman) What happened to us, Kodos?
  Kodos: (as Mr. Peabody) Quiet, you!
Homer thinks back to his father warning him about the Butterfly Effect on his wedding day: not to touch anything when in the distant past (in this case, prehistoric times).
How Homer breaks the timeline in the first place. Having resolved not to kill anything, a mosquito buzzes past him. Annoyed, Homer swats it.
Homer: But that was just one innocent little mosquito. Surely that can't change the future, right? Right?
(A giant sloth walks past, shrugs and makes a "I dunno" noise)
Ned Flanders as the unquestioned lord and master of the world. And yet he's still Ned, even when he's talking about total frontal lobotomies.
Ned: Just relax, and let the hooks do their work.
"What the hell are you smilin' at?"
While Homer escapes from the Re-Neducation center with a couple Attack Dogs in tow, he holds a chain of sausages and states that they will give him the energy to escape when he could have used the sausages to distract the Attack Dogs and buy himself some time. Surprisingly, he manages to get back to the time toaster in one piece.
Homer goes back in time to change Earth from being run by Ned Flanders, only to flee from an attacking Tyrannosaurus rex. He manages to dodge and leap over every plant and animal that gets in his way, but then a stereotypical Darwin fish crawls out of a lake and he absently squashes it.
Homer: Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish...
- The fish also makes a hilarious "Bleergh!" noise as its sat on.
The next present he visits, he almost gets squished by a giant Bart and Lisa who think Homer is a bug that looks like him.
Homer accidentally sneezes on the same T. rex that tried to eat him... and starts a chain reaction that ends with all the dinosaurs dead.
Homer: Thiiis is gonna cost me...
- What really sells this is that all the dinosaurs are literally standing in a perfect line, dying one after another as Homer looks on. Not to mention the pterosaurs are dropping straight down from the sky.
Homer arrives back in the present with the time machine toaster. The house has been transformed into a luxurious estate and Marge and the children are expensively dressed.
Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Homer: Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan. Woo-hoo! I hit the jackpot! (he sits down at the table, trying to sound like a rich gentleman) Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge: Donut? What's a donut?
(Homer screams like a crazy man and runs back to the time machine; Marge looks out the window and sees donuts falling from the sky)
Marge: (nonchalantly) Hmph. It's raining again.
Immediately afterwards, Homer goes back to prehistoric times and smashes stuff.
Homer: Don't touch anything?! I'll touch whatever I feel like! (he begins beating every animal and tree he sees with a wooden club. He stomps on one small animal, but the topper is when he punches a huge prehistoric mosquito before beating it with his club)
Groundskeeper Willie dies again in a Sound of Thunder spoof.
Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I... (Maggie drives an axe into his back) Argh! (collapses)
Maggie (voiced by James Earl Jones): This is indeed a disturbing universe.
After many, many, many weird and crazy alternate presents, Homer finally ends up in a timeline where everything is the exact same except everyone has lizard-like tongues they use to eat their food. Homer decides its "close enough" upon seeing this and joins his family for dinner.

C. - Nightmare Cafeteria

The school staff's behavior is undeniably horrific, but some of it is kind of funny.
Skinner: That's your third helping, young man. It'll make you fat and plump... (licks lips) and tender. (regains composure) Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter.
Uter: For how long?
Skinner: Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do...
Marge takes Adults Are Useless and Too Dumb to Live to astounding new heights.
Lisa: Mom, mom, you gotta help us, they're cooking kids in the school cafeteria!
Marge: Kids, you're eight and ten years old now, I can't be fighting all your battles for you.
Bart: But mom-!
Marge: No "buts"! You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye, and say "don't eat me"!
Bart, Lisa, and Milhouse - who, along with Ralph Wiggum, are the only students who have not been sent to detention as the first step toward being cannibalised - sneak out past an overweight Mrs. Krabappel (who is too busy reading The Joy of Cooking Milhouse to notice them leave) and pass the Detention Room, which now has kids in cages barely large enough for them. One of them is playing the inevitable Captivity Harmonica, while Martin shudders in terror in his cage.
Skinner: [tapping the bars] Easy there, young man, you'll only make yourself tired and stringy. Now, to check on the free range children! [he looks out of the window at a small fenced enclosure; several kids are walking aimlessly around it with haunted looks]
Groundskeeper Willie gets a third axe-in-the-back death.
Willie: Hang on, kids! I'm comin' to rescue the lot of ya! I'll— (Principal Skinner puts an axe in his back) Ach, I'm bad at this. (collapses)
It turns out this segment was simply a bad dream of Bart's. He's safe with his family from everything... except the fog that turns people inside-out seeps into his bedroom.
- After they're turned inside-out, the Simpson family sings a demented version of "One".
  Simpson Family: "One! — chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop
  Willie: (also inside-out) Too!
  Everyone ...many dancing people, covered with blood, gore, and glop. Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out: It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about! Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in. The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine. Happy Halloween!"
- And after they say that, the dog attacks Bart and drags him offscreen, while no-one does anything.

Deleted Scenes

In 'Time and Punishment', there's an expansion of Ned's world.
Bart: Don't you remember dad? Flanders is unquestioned lord and master of the world.
Lisa: He's created a near-perfect society where there's no crime, hunger or war, and all have access to the lively arts.
Homer: If that's your world, I don't wanna live in it!
Instead of Kang and Kodos being turned into Mr. Peabody and Sherman, their laughter is broken by Earth suddenly turning into a giant boxing glove on a spring and wrecking their ship.

110. - "Bart's Girlfriend"

While most of the kids are playing "cowboys and indians", Nelson comes in with a Nerf-like gun and cleans house.
Bart: That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Killmatic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey, records from that era are spotty, at best.
When Bart first sees Jessica, she's backlit by light. Then it cuts to outside the church, where it turns out a nearby lighthouse is shining on it.
Lighthouse-keeper: I'm telling ye, the light would work better if it pointed out to sea!
Sea-Captain: Dar, shut up! I know what I'm doin'!
(The Sea-Captain watches as a tanker runs aground, before emptying his pipe into the ocean.)
Sea-Captain: Yar, I hate the sea, and everything in it.
Groundskeeper Willie goes on about the history of the kilt before Bart pranks him.
Willie: Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ballgown covered in sequins! The idea was to blind you opponent with luxury.
(Bart then ties balloons to Willie's kilt, with the audience reacting with disgust at what lies under)
Willie: Ahh, 'tis no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes.
- Not long after that, Bart gets caught by Skinner, who gloats about Bart getting 3 months of detention...and unintentionally upsets Willie:
  Skinner: There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest.
  Willie: (overhearing Skinner) There's not?! Ya used me, Skinner! YA USED ME!
  - What makes this even funnier is Seymour's totally guilty face as he was being chastised. He almost looks legitimately regretful for lying to Willie.
After Jessica and Bart (unwillingly) pull the Springfield Elementary fire alarm, panic ensues, though Groundskeeper Willie has one concern.
Willie: If I don' save the wee tur'les, who will?! (he kicks open a door to a lab and rushes in; moments later, he runs back out, with turtles biting him all over) Gah! Save me from the wee tur'les! They were too quick for me!
Marge notices Bart's behavior is different and talks to Homer about it.
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... He looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.
Homer putting a coupon for 30 cents off Shake'n Bake in the church collection plate.
Marge: 30 cents off Shake N' Bake? Homer!
Homer: We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.
Bart skates over a sunflower seed carried by an ant and falls down the hill.
- What really sells this is that a seed is what stops him after everything he went through. This was not only an extremely steep hill, but there was a crashed and spilled gravel truck, a crashed and spilled ball bearings truck, and then a glue truck which subverts the previous 2 vehicles.
  Driver 1: Any glue leaking?
  Driver 2: Nah, that glue ain't going nowhere. [Bart zips past them]
- A battered Bart lands at the bottom of the hill.
  Driver 2: Oh no! There goes the glue after all!
  (Bart turns to see a tidal wave of glue heading toward him, and is completely covered by it)
  Bart: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Bart hears angelic singing from the church, which he thinks is Jessica. Genius Bonus: The song Flanders is singing is J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring".
Lisa: Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat!
Bart: Oh, Lise. She's already drawing me to her beautiful siren song...(runs into the church and sees...)
Ned Flanders: (singing falsetto)
Bart: (shudders) That's very disturbing...
After Jessica steals the collection money, leaving Bart to take the blame, he quickly bolts, leaping out of an open window.
Homer: (AFTER Bart escapes) Stop him! He's headed for the window!
We see where Nelson draws the line:
Milhouse: (to Bart) No way would a minister's daughter go out with you.
Bart: Oh, yeah? I'll prove it! (he walks over to Jessica) Hey, Jessica!
Jessica: Yes? Am I supposed to know you?
Bart: Jessica, we just— (Nelson gut-punches Bart)
Nelson: That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name!
Reverend Lovejoy attempt at denying that Jessica was responsible for stealing the collection money:
Lovejoy: Well, it's obvious what happened here. Bart has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. (sees everyone staring at him) Well come on, use your imaginations!

111. - "Lisa on Ice"

Principal Skinner speaks over the PA system to the students.
Skinner: (over the PA) Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. (to himself) Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.^note
- SNPP.com added the perfect observation: "Memorial? Butthead's dead?"
Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" into his Apple Newton (an early 1990s digital note-taker that was notorious for mistranslating what people write), only for the phrase to be misprinted as "Eat up Martha".
Ralph Wiggum is called forward to receive an academic alert.
Seymour: (announcing to students in auditorium) All right, first academic alert. Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph: I won, I won! (he happily walks up to receive one)
Skinner: No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English.
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Chief Wiggum as a hockey coach:
Chief Wiggum: We won! We won! But uh, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going for pizza.
Lisa worries that failing gym is going to haunt her. A futuristic vision shows Lisa being inaugurated in as President of the United States.
Supreme Court Justice: I now pronounce you President of these United —
Reporter: Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our President-Elect got an F in second grade gym class!
(crowd gasps; Lisa is handcuffed)
Justice: (to Lisa) In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island! Don't worry, it's just a name.
(later, Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters)
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula!
Lisa tries out for volleyball. Instead of catching the ball, one of the points on her hair pops it. The coach has this to say:
Coach: Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year.
Homer, to Bart on the way to the game:
Homer: Okay son, just remember to have fun out there today. And if you lose, I'll kill you! (He and the family laugh, then Homer growls at Bart while angrily shaking his fist)
Then after the game:
Homer: And just as I promised, here is your turtle, alive and well.
Homer allows Lisa to ride in the passenger seat of his car.
Homer: Okay, little buddy, hop in!
(Bart steps forward)
Homer: Ah bah! I mean my little girl buddy.
Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: Okay, hon.
(Lisa gets into the car)
Homer: Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!
Bart fails to be a scholar due to him being a slacker in school all his life and irritating Mrs. Krabappel. Jimbo, Kearney, and Nelson restrain Bart to the ground.
Nelson: (beating up Bart) This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!
Lisa: (punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt halfway over his head) Lay off, guys! He's with me.
(Kearney and Nelson back away; Jimbo also backs away partially due to him being Lisa's teammate)
Jimbo: (pointing to Bart) It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother!
Lisa has finally given in to the more primal aspects of hockey during her tenure as goalie:
Lisa: Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guards! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
- And Homer's reaction:
  Homer: Wow! Eye of a tiger, mouth of a teamster! (turns to Bart) And to think of all the time I wasted on you! (sees Marge glaring at him) Uh, not wasted, I mean... uh... I love you, boy. (condescendingly pats Bart on the head)
The success Lisa has in hockey begins to make Bart jealous.
Bart: (sarcastically) Hello, Queen Lisa.
Lisa: Bart! What are you doing in my room?
Bart: Lisa, certain differences, rivalries, if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny! (holds up a headless stuffed rabbit in one hand, its head in the other hand)
Lisa: Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
(beat)
Bart: Aah! Mr. Honeybunny! (tries to repair it, kisses it numerous times)
Homer: (from downstairs) Quiet down, Bart!
Lisa: Bart, just get outta here.
Bart: Hey: it's a free country. You get out.
Lisa: That doesn't make sense.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Get Out!, get out!
Bart: OK, but on my way, I'm going to be doing this. (windmills arms) If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this. (kicks) And if any part of you should fill that air, (kicks) it's your own fault.
- They walk towards each other, then start fighting. In the kitchen, Marge overhears Bart and Lisa's yells as she's taking a pie out of the oven.
  Marge: Oh, I better go check that out. (to Homer) Now Homer, don't you eat this pie!
  Homer: Okay... (Marge leaves) All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. (chomps air 3 times) And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! (walks towards the pie, chomps air 5 times, and his head hits the range head with enough force to dent it) Ow! Oh, my... aw, the hell with it. (grabs the pie and eats it, chewing noisily)
At the hockey game between Bart's team and Lisa's team, Homer asks Marge which kid she likes best.
Homer: Now that we’re all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best.
Marge: No.
Homer: Oh, so you’re a Bart-woman are you?!
Marge: No.
Homer: Well you can't possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin' for nobody!
(Maggie jumps up to intercept a beer bottle flying at Homer's head)
Bart and Lisa exchanging pre-game banter:
Bart: Good luck out there, Lisa. I'll try not to hurt you!
Lisa: Don't worry, I'm carrying my lucky rabbit's head! (shows Bart Mr Honneybunny's head on a chain)
Bart: (gasps) Mr Honneybunny, you inhuman monster!
Lisa: You wanna piece of me?!
(The two start laying into each other, until Apu and Chief Wiggum separate them)
Apu: Stop it, stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.
Chief Wiggum releasing all of his prisoners so that they'd come out and watch his Little League hockey team play on the grounds that they won't commit any more crimes, and Snake saying straight to his face that what he's saying is sheer lunacy and that there'd be no promises.
The crowd's reaction to the tie. This bit gets a bit of bonus funny when you realize that the NHL doesn't do ties anymore, adopting an overtime/shootout format. There are a lot of hockey fans these days who would love to see a tie.
Man in audience: Tie game?
Woman: What the hell?
Abe: Ripoff!
Hans Moleman: We paid for bloooooood!
Chief Wiggum: Let's tear this place apart!
(they do, the entire stadium falls apart instantly)
Snake reacts to Bart and Lisa hugging.
Snake: Those two are, like, so sweet. If only they'd had peewee hockey when I was a lad. (Beat) Oh well. (picks up crowbar and uses it to start tearing the stadium seats apart)
After the weather forecast the previous night has predicted a snowstorm, Lisa tricks Bart into going outside in his pajamas:
Bart: You're going to eat a blizzard of— (looks around and sees no snow) ...unseasonable warmth?
Lisa: I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer!
(all the kids laugh at him)
Jimbo: Nice PJs, Simpson. Did your mommy by 'em for ya?
Bart: Of course she did. Who else would have?
(Beat)
Jimbo: All right, Simpson, you win this round.

112. - "Homer Badman"

A flashback shows how Homer got the winning candy bar — rummaging through a bunch of them at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Apu: Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to... ask you nicely again.
Bart is disappointed finding out which babysitter will watch Lisa, Maggie, and him.
Marge: (the doorbell rings) Oh, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two anymore. I had to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo.
Bart: (goes to answer door) Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo.. (opens it)
Ashley: Hi, I'm Ashley Grant.
Bart: (groans) Oh...
Homer steals the Gummi Venus de Milo. Marge and him make a daring escape from the candy convention. Homer mixes a can of cola with some Pop Rocks and uses it like a grenade to stop the candy conventioneers from advancing.
Homer: SEE YOU IN HELL, CANDY BOYS! [he dramatically jumps away from the explosion]
- The writers referred to this as "a parody of every Bruce Willis movie ever made".
Homer's reaction to an angry mob of protestors showing up at the Simpson residence.
Homer: Oh, no! The candy conventioneers tracked us down!
Ashley: There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me!
Homer: Phew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just the — (realizes) D'oh!
This particular chant from the protestors:
Protestors: Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! Great meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!
The protestors rocking Homer's car as he tries to get to work. They continuing doing this even when he's at his work station.
Protestor 1: Try pushing your buttons now!
Protestor 2: We're not crazy about nuclear power, either!
Smithers: (walking in) Hey, you people aren't allowed in here! (the protesters go quiet)
Homer: (dejected) It's okay, they're with me. (Smithers leaves and they get back to yelling at Homer)
As Homer gets out of the shower, he sees a helicopter hovering outside his bathroom window, causing him to shriek and fall over, getting wrapped in his shower curtain. It is quickly being shown on the television.
Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent, which he believes gives him sexual powers!
Homer: Hey, that's a half-truth!
Kent Brockman covers the case with his usual professionalism:
Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. (screen shows blue house, orange Simpsons watching TV) Now, this technology is new to me, but... I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. (closeup of oven - it's very obviously cooking a turkey or chicken) His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees - he's literally stewing in his own juices.
Homer needs help to clear his name.
Homer: Help me, God! (phone rings and Homer answers) ...Hello?
Deep Voice: Hello Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom".
The intro to the Rock Bottom TV show mentions another story.
Godfrey Jones: Tonight, on "Rock Bottom", we investigate a sex farm for sex hookers.
(cut to a farmer being interviewed)
Farmer: Ah keep telling yer, Ah only grow sorghum here.
Interviewer: Uh huh. And where are the hookers?
Farmer: 'Round back... oops.
In an edited version of Homer's interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices are discernible because the clock in the background keeps changing times.^note
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can / so I grabbed / her / sweet can / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can / I just wish I had / her / sweet / sweet / s / s / sweet can /
Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
(There is a clearly freeze-framed image of Homer, VCR artifacts and all, looking like a buffoon.)
Godfrey: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further!
(The frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in.)
Godfrey: No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO! (freeze frame on the shouting Godfrey)
Announcer: (quickly) Dramatization. May not have happened.
Homer's reaction to a TV film adaptation of his predicament, Homer S.: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber (starring Dennis Franz).
Homer: Oooh, portrait. Sounds classy. (realizes the family is staring at him) Does it?
- The film's ludicrously over-the-top account of the incident, which starts with Homer as portrayed by Dennis Franz cackling maniacally while driving through parking meters as Ashley Grant's representation screams.
  Movie Ashley: No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature!
  Movie Homer: I don't care! (runs over cat and drags car to a stop) Now I'm gonna grab me something sweet!
  Movie Ashely: No, Mr. Simpson! That's sexual harassment! If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud the whole country will hear!
  Movie Homer: Ha ha ha ha, with a man in the White House? Ha ha ha, not likely! (laughs maniacally)
Homer imagines how life would be like for the family through an "Under the Sea" parody sequence, during which he happily gorges himself on the friendly, dancing sea creatures.
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen.
Homer: Not with that attitude!
- It's also Hilarious in Hindsight, considering what eventually happens in the Season 16 episode Future-Drama.
Being disappointed that nobody outside the family believes him, Homer goes to his bedroom to be alone.
Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV is right. TV's always right! (walks upstairs)
(Bart and Lisa hug the TV)
Homer: (shouting from upstairs) Are you hugging the TV?!
Bart & Lisa: No... (they kiss it)
The list of corrections at the end of Rock Bottom is totally worth freeze framing.
- "Bart is bad to the bone."
- "Licking an electrical outlet will not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.."
- "If you're reading this, you have no life."
- Which appears some time after "The people writing these have no life."

Deleted Scenes

At the candy convention, a man carrying chocolate bumps into a woman carrying peanut butter.
Woman: You got chocolate in my peanut butter!
Man: (scoffs) You got peanut butter in my chocolate!
(the woman takes a sample taste of the peanut butter chocolate)
Woman: Our product is ruined! We'll be bringing legal action!
Man: Fine, we'll drag it out for years!
(Homer walks by and just takes the chocolate)
Homer: Case closed.

113. - "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Grampa Abe asks Homer what the problem is with Marge.
Abe: Welcome home, son. I broke 2 lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N— yes. But please, don't you say that word.
Abe: What, "seeex"? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about seeex? I had seeeeex.
(Homer shudders)
Homer tries to sell the tonic to a random passersby in the mall.
Homer: Sir! Uh, hello sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So— [the man punches him in the face]
A person in the crowd points out Homer's face being on the bottle of "Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic", revealing that he's not the impartial observer he claims to be. Then there's a cut to Grampa Abe and Homer being run out of town by a group of hillbillies, accompanied with the song "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" by Flatt and Scruggs (A.K.A. the Foggy Mountain Boys) playing in the background.
Abe: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.
Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! (turns off radio playing banjo music)
(The chase stops; the pickup full of hillbillies comes to a halt and turns around)
Having separated ties with Homer, Grampa Abe continues to sell his tonic with help from one of Homer's friends.
Abe: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney!
Barney: (walks out from behind a curtain) I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. (belches)
Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.
Abe: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
Barney: Oh — (collapses)
Grampa, while on the road with Homer: "And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. Now as for your generation..."
Homer spends more time with Bart and Lisa because he isn't selling tonic anymore. The kids don't appreciate it that much.
Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
(Homer gets into his car and drives off)
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
Lisa: That's what I assumed.
Lisa buys a copy Al Gore's book, Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow. Bart buys a book proclaiming that aliens are among us and that the American government is trying to surpress the evidence of their existence. Their purchases are sent to satellites, registered by the government, and a G-Man rushes to tell Gore... that someone finally bought a copy of his book.
Al Gore: Well. This calls for a celebration. (turns on his record player)
Kool & the Gang: ♪Celebrate good times, come on!♪
Al Gore: I will.
The scene where the increasingly paranoid kids think they've figured out what's going on:
Milhouse: Okay, here's what we've got: The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the Saucer People—
Bart: Thank you.
Milhouse: And under the supervision of... the Reverse Vampires—
Lisa: Ugh...
Milhouse: Are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of DINNER! (dramatic sting plays) We're through the looking glass here, people.
- A Deleted Scene exists that continues further with the kids finding out what is really going on... and missing the point even further, tragically cut because the showmakers felt Ralph being the one to explain it didn't make sense. But Bart's sincere delivery of his summation is gold.
  Ralph: I know what our parents are doing! I hid in the closet and saw them?
  Children: Tell us! What happened?
  Ralph: They were... having sex!
  (beat, as everyone stares blankly)
  Bart: Sex, eh? And where you find sex, you find the MOLE PEOPLE!
When Grandpa sits saddened in his old family home, he concludes the tonic has caused him nothing but trouble and attempts to dramatically fling it into the fireplace, whereupon it turns out to be flammable and violently explodes in his face, setting the whole room on fire.

Deleted Scenes

Before leaving, Homer picks up two bottles of Abe's tonic. Marge, not unreasonably, draws a wrong conclusion.
Marge: (amorous) Oh, Homer...
Homer: Marge, please! I'm not a machine! (as he removes the corks) I just need these for ear-plugs!
(cut to Abe and Homer in the car, with Abe going a mile a minute, while Homer has the corks in his ears)
Homer: (monotonously) Well said, dad. Well said, dad. Well said, dad.

114. - "Fear of Flying"

Due to being banned from Moe's Tavern, Homer becomes sad as he can't go back.
Bart: Cheer up, Homer.
Homer: (depressed) Can't.
Bart: OK!
Marge: What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?
Homer: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.
Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity!
Homer decides that he's going to find a new bar to drink in and asks Bart where his (Homer's) wallet is at.
Bart: (pulling it from his own pocket) Right here, Dad!
Homer: Thank you!
As Homer searches for a new bar to drink and hang around in, he goes into what is very clearly a lesbian bar.
Homer: Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place... (looks around) I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a FIRE EXIT! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies! (leaves)
Lesbian: What was her problem?
- And if you look closely, you'll see that there is something wrong with that place: a woman suddenly gets a tattoo and another one completely changes ethnicities!
Homer goes to a bar which features most of the main cast of Cheers.
Norm: Woody, give... give me another beer.
Woody: I'd better not Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.
Norm: Just gimme another beer, you brain dead hick! (smashes beer bottle against the bar) I'll kill ya, I'll kill all of ya!
(Norm lunges at Woody; Cliff and Frasier grab him and hold him back)
Cliff: Whoa there Normie. You got to save your pipes for karaoke!
A man identical to Homer, wearing an unconvincing moustache, enters Moe's Bar.
Guy: Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.
Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. I... AUGH!
(the camera pans outside as he's beaten severely and thrown out, lying unconscious on the sidewalk; the real Homer then passes by)
Homer: (gasp) Oh my God! This man is my exact double! (gasp) That dog has a fluffy tail! (he runs as he chases the dog) Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Here Puff, here Puff! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
Homer running out of bars in Springfield.
Homer: (outside the Black Box) This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If I can't get a drink here, I'll have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: YAY!
Homer: Shut up, liver! (he punches himself in the liver) Ohh, my liver hurts!
As Homer's inside the Black Box, a man comes in looking for a pilot.
Air traffic controller: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
(all the pilots get up)
Pilot: Me, me! I'm your man!
Air traffic controller: Conditions are a little windy...
(all the pilots immediately lose interest and sit back down. The controller goes up to Homer.)
Air traffic controller: How about you?
Homer: Well...
Air traffic controller: Hey, you're not just pretending to be a pilot so you can drink in here, are you?
Homer: Yeah, that's exactly what I am.
Air traffic controller: (laughs) Ah, you flyboys, you crack me up. (he drags Homer away)
(cut to Homer being shoved into the cockpit of a plane)
Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!
Air traffic controller: (angry) And I keep telling you you flyboys crack me up!
The Simpson family comes home from the airport, after Marge decided to get off the airplane. One family member is missing.
Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something.
(cut to Grampa Abe still on the airplane)
Abe: (screams) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (cut back to the Simpson house)
Homer: Ehh, I'm sure it's nothing.
Marge reveals a fear that Homer has, while he was explaining hers.
Homer: Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying!
Bart: So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."
Marge: Everyone has a fear of something.
Homer: (smugly) Not everyone.
Marge: SOCK PUPPETS!
Homer: (panicked) Where!? Where?! AAAUGHH! (runs off-screen)
Homer doesn't think Marge has a problem after the first incident.
Homer: Kids, your mother is fine.
Marge: (holding the pets) I just realized we never had a wedding for the dog and the cat. They've been living in sin.
"Springfield Psychiatric Center: Because There May Not Be Bugs On You."
Bart sees someone familiar at the psychiatric clinic.
Bart: Principal Skinner? Well, well, well. I never thought I'd win this easily.
Skinner: Oh, this has nothing to do with you, Simpson. I have many problems with My Beloved Smother, Mother! Damn!
The parody of Alive. "Pass me another hunk of co-pilot."
Having settled her traumatizing fear of being an airplane, Marge and Homer sit inside one and things go wrong.
Homer: That's just the engine powering up... that's just the engine struggling... that's just a carp swimming around your ankles.
During a series of flashbacks of when Marge his reminiscing about where her fear of planes come from, there is a particular one that stands out because of how bizarre it is, whether it be in or out of context:
[The last flashback shows Marge as a child and her mother standing in front of a cornfield.]
Jacqueline: This is what a cornfield looks like, honey!
Young Marge: Hmmmmmm-MMMMM-mmmmmmm...
[Out of nowhere, a plane swoops down towards Marge and Jaqueline--and it's'' '''''attempting to shoot them dead''''' ''with its mounted machine guns as they run off!]

115. - "Homer the Great"

Homer can't park near the entrance to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, so it turns out he parks in a spot that's on the opposite side of the house's backyard fence.
The entire "It's a secret." "Ssssh, shut up!" Running Gag between Lenny and Carl.
Homer wants to find out what Lenny and Carl are doing without him being involved and he tells Marge.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did!
Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. (gets up) I'm... going outside to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. (Beat) D'oh!
Homer trying to get into the Stonecutters by saving Lenny and Carl's life.
Homer: (after stomping on Lenny's sandwich) That egg sandwich could've killed you by cholesterol!
Lenny: Pfft, forget it Homer. While it has been proven that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been conclusively proven that they raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.
Homer: (glaring) So, one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
Lenny: Uh, you got it all wrong Homer, (makes desperate "get away" motions) I-it's not like that.
(pan to a man in an egg costume hiding behind the door. They run away as Homer chases after them.)
Homer: You'd better run, egg!
- And of course, the egg shows up as a member of the Stonecutters later.
Part of Homer's initiation into the Stonecutters is getting his butt spanked with wooden paddles by current members.
Number One: This ritual is called "Crossing the Desert".
(Homer's ass is paddled by numerous people in a line)
Number One: And this, we call "The Unblinking Eye". (more ass paddling)
Homer: Hey... have you ever noticed that the "Crossing the Desert" is a lot like "The Unblinking Eye". And it's exactly like the "Wreck of the Hesperus"!
Number One: And now, the final ordeal: "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass... With Paddles". (yet more paddling)
- Made even funnier with Patrick Stewart's Shakespearean dulcet tones.
Homer taking the Stonecutters oath:
Homer: I swear that, if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs.
Moe: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!
Once Homer's ceremony is over.
Number One: Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong!
The Stonecutters song.
All: "Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do!
Carl: Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Lenny: Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
Alien: We do! We do!
All: Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do! We do!
Skinner: Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Homer: Who rigs every Oscar night?
All: We do! We do!"
After destroying the Sacred Parchment, Homer is forced to walk home dragging the "stone of shame" behind himself while naked. Then they notice a birthmark on his ass and realize he's the Chosen One.
Number One: You are the chosen one, whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory! Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation! Remove the Stone of Shame!
Homer: Woohoo!
Number One: Attach the Stone of Triumph!
(an even bigger stone is chained to Homer's neck)
Homer: D'oh!
Homer is sitting on the couch in front of the TV and talks about how significant he is currently living.
Homer: I always wondered if there was a god, and now I know. There is, and it's me.
Marge: You're not a god, Homer.
Lisa: Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.
Homer: So?
Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.
Homer: No.
Lisa: Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever!
Homer: Everything lasts forever.
Lisa: Don't you see, getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
Homer: Remove the girl!
Lisa: Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now. There are no lackeys to carry out your every—
(Bart appears, puts his hand over her mouth, salutes Homer, and then drags her away)
The Stonecutters are considering a rebellion against Homer:
Moe: We've gotta kill him!
Number One: Take it easy, Moe! Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council before we act too rashly.
Orville Redenbacher: Kill him!
Jack Nicholson: Kill 'im.
Mr. T: Kill the foo'!
George H. W. Bush: Afraid I have to disagree with Orville, Jack, and Mister. Can't we just do something to his voicebox?

Season 6: Part 2

116. - "And Maggie Makes Three"

Homer's first attempt at storytelling clearly has a few... Embellishments.
Homer: (in voiceover) I was at my workstation, when...
(the lights cut out)
Evil Brit: Attention, American Workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.
Homer: Not on my shift!
(Homer immediately leaps into an air duct. The scene moves to Mr. Burns' office, where he, Smithers and Carl are being held at gunpoint by said terrorists. Homer enters and quickly disposes of all of them effortlessly)
Homer: Simpson, 10. Terrorists, 8.
(Mr. Burns, Smithers and Carl laugh)
Lisa: (voiceover) Mom, make dad tell the story right!
As Homer quits his job at the Nuclear Power Plant, he does humiliating things to Mr. Burns, which includes playing his (Mr. Burns') head as bongo drums.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralysed with rage. And island rhythms.
- One of Homer's punishments is removing the coaster from underneath Burn's drink. He's actually enraged by this.
Marge doesn't want Patty and Selma to give Homer the news about her pregnancy, so they do something to get the news out in a different way.
Marge: I've got to tell Homer about this baby in just the right way and at just the right time. Until then, please, keep this to yourselves.
Patty: (with a smirk) Oh, if he found out now, it would probably destroy him, huh?
Marge: Oh, yes.
Patty & Selma: Gotta go!
Marge: Wait a minute! Wait, I know that look. Now promise you won't tell Homer.
Selma: Oh, we promise we won't tell...Homer.
- At their apartment, they rush to the phonebook, and open it to page one.
  Patty: (on the phone) Hello, is this A. Aaronson? It might interest to you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant, again.
  (the scene fades away, making it look like a lot of time has passed, and the phonebook is on the last page)
  Patty: (on the phone) Just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zykowski. (hangs up) There. Aaronson and Zykowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know.
Indeed, soon everyone knows except Homer, who's going to his new job at the bowling alley.
Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!
Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant.
Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you: I ''do'' enjoy working at the bowling alley.
When Homer arrives home, people are just throwing Marge a baby shower.
Homer: Hey, it's me. It's hell out there! Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts. Hmm...with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude: By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job? ...Marge is pregnant?! (pulls out 1 of the 3 hairs on the top of his head) Noooooo!
- The flashbacks of Homer ripping out all his hair after learning about Bart and Lisa.
Homer sets up a flashback to his being devastated about Marge's pregnancy, as it will screw up the family's finances. And then Homer's head explodes.
Homer: (moans) We're doomed! Doomed I tell ya! AAAAAUUUGH! (his head swells up and explodes)
Marge: (in reality) Bart, let your father tell the story!
Bart: Okay, but I know funny.
Homer: (in the story) We're doomed!
Marge: (disembodied) Homer, you had a head.
Homer: (disembodied) Check.
(his head pops out of the collar of his pajamas)
Marge: (disembodied) And your bottom was a little bigger.
Homer: (disembodied) Aww. (his butt inflates slightly)
Homer tells the family they're going to have to cut back on spending, leading to this very underrated joke:
Homer: From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.
[Bart's face contorts in rage, he runs at the wall behind him and then punches it]
Homer wants to increase business for the bowling alley so he can get a raise. First, we see him sitting at the table and reading Advanced Marketing. Cut to the book in the trash can and Homer reading Beginning Marketing. Cut to that book in the trash can and Homer looking up the word "marketing" in the dictionary. Finally, cut to Homer staring at a bowling ball.
Homer tries to increase business at the bowling alley by firing a rifle into the air while shouting, "Bowling! Bowling! Get your bowling here!" He ends up scaring people.
Lisa: Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Marge: (sheepish) That's what really happened.
Lisa: (disappointed) Oh.
As a parting gift, the others at the bowling alley give Homer a bowling jacket - upon getting close enough to the power plant, however, the jacket - and only the jacket - is completely dissolved by the atmosphere.
Two meta examples:
- There was a meme saying that in 1995 viewers felt sorry for Homer having to work in the power plant for the rest of his life but by 2013 they were jealous of his job security.
- In late 2018, Executive Producer Matt Selman found a continuity error in this episode that had gone somehow unnoticed in over two decades: When Marge announces she's pregnant with Maggie, there's already a picture of her on the wall. Cue several fans saying with varying degrees of seriousness that this destroys the episode's premise entirely.
- There's an even more bizarre case where the portrait of Lisa remains at the staircase that Homer run up to when he flips out discovering Marge's pregnancy with both Bart and Lisa!

117. - "Bart's Comet"

Willie tries to shoot down the "Big-Butt Skinner" balloon and attracts the attention of two jets. Mistaking him for an Iraqi fighter jet, one jet fires a sidewinder missile which hits the other jet. He then fires a second missile which turns around and hits him.
- The pilots aren't even phased.
  Pilot 1: This is what happens when you take money out of the military and put it into healthcare!
  Pilot 2: It's a good program, just give it a chance, that's all I ask!
  (Their parachutes disintegrate, causing the two to plummet to the ground, where they immediately start pummelling each other)
The constellation◊ of "The Three Wise Men".
After Principal Skinner tries to get the "Big-Butt Skinner" balloon down, he finds that Bart was making a call on his cell phone. He hears the astronomer tell Bart that he discovered a comet, yells a Big "NO!" in defeat and let's the balloon go. Upon realizing he let the balloon go, Seymour yells a Big "NO!" in defeat again. Then, a newspaper boy drops off the morning issue, in which the headline reads, "PREZ SEZ: SCHOOL IS FOR LOSERS!" Seymour shouts a Big "NO!" in defeat one last time.
The attempt to blow up the comet with a missile fails.
Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed.
Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
Rev. Lovejoy: (running down the street) It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!
A bill to save Springfield is defeated:
Kent Brockman: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress.
Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of —
Congressman: Wait a minute, I want to tack on a rider to that bill: $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?
(everyone boos)
Speaker: Bill defeated. (bangs gavel)
Kent Brockman then comments on his "final" newscast.
Kent: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. But it doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay: (rapidly scrolling Long List appears)
Marge: (disgusted) Turn it off.
Homer: (taking notes) Just a second...
Homer predicts that the comet will burn up in the atmosphere and end up the size of a Chihuahua's head. Bart, Lisa and Marge all groan when he mentions that they will be horribly crushed from above somehow if he's not right.
Homer: Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.
Lisa: We have a bomb shelter?
Homer: Homer Simpson takes care of his family.
(cut to the family at the Flanders' backyard bomb shelter)
Homer: (pounds on the door with his left fist 3 times) Flanders! Open up! (Ned opens the door)
Ned: H-Heidi-ho-arooni, neighbor. What can I do ya for?
Homer: Get outta there! My family needs to use your bomb shelter.
Marge: Homer!
Ned: Ho-ho, I kinda figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families!
Homer: (sternly) No deal, out.
Marge: Get in the shelter, Homer!
When the door to the Flanders' bomb shelter can't be closed because it's stuffed full with the residents of Springfield, someone has to get out. Krusty starts listing the people they'll need after the comet hits; Moe says they'll need power, which Homer can do. Homer looks around shiftily, and says "Uh, yeah... I can do that." After Reverend Lovejoy starts over on the list, Homer declares that left-handed stores won't be needed, and therefore Ned Flanders should leave the bomb shelter he owns (while also making hushed apologies to Rod & Todd).
Moe Szyslak decides that the people can play a game as they wait for the comet to destroy Springfield. The game turns into havoc.
Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ah-ahem. (makes some unidentifiable noise)
Chief Wiggum: It's a pig!
Bart: It's a cow, man.
Lisa: It's a pony.
Krusty: No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.
Selma: There are no lady goats! A lady goat is a sheep.
Dr. Hibbert: I believe she's right.
Otto: You're crazy.
Captain McCallister: Arr, what's it to you?
Otto: What's it to me?
Krusty: First off—
(Everyone starts arguing. Amongst it, some dialogue is more clearly audible.)
Lisa: Hey, it's a pony!
Krusty: Why don't you all shut up!
Homer: Doesn't anyone even care that I'm hungry?!
Marge: Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? (There's a long silence inside as Ned is heard singing "Que Sera Sera" outside.) Say, Moe, was it a duck?
(everyone argues again)
Homer: NO! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP IT! STOP IT! I can't take this any more. I can't let that brave man out there die alone! I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you, especially his children! I'm going out there! (shuts the door, then opens it again) And it was a baby ox! (shuts the door again)
Moe: He's right you know.
Skinner: About the ox?
Moe: (angrily) About everything damnit! Hey Homer wait up, I wanna die too!
The citizens of Springfield deciding to burn down the Observatory, so nothing like this ever happens again. Bart and Lisa then comment on how what Homer predicted came true.
Homer: I know, kids - I'm scared too.
(Homer hugs Bart and Lisa, and all 3 of them look around terrified)
- This is followed by a relaxing waltz instrumental of "Que Sera Sera" over the credits.
In a deleted scene, Ned lets Bart read a censored Ranger Rick comic (basically putting a black bar where private parts are suppose to be on presumably naked cartoon characters). Ned even went so far to censor the many "genitals" on the centipede.

118. - "Homie the Clown"

Krusty quickly demonstrating how frivolous he is with money.
Krusty: Put $5,000 on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G. to play for me in the elevator. My house is dirty, buy me a clean one.
Krusty getting in trouble with other, much better, comedians.
Secretary: (on intercom) George Carlin on three.
Krusty: (picks up phone) Yeah? Lawsuit?! Oh come on! My "7 Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "7 Words You Can't Say on TV" bit! So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME! (hangs up and turns to his financial advisor) Give him 10 grand!
Secretary: (on intercom) Steve Martin on four.
Krusty: 10 grand!
Krusty responds to his financial advisor's suggestion of opening a clown college.
Krusty: Forget it. I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelettes. Mmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.
Due to seeing a billboard for Krusty's Clown College, Homer has some clown hallucinations, complete with that circus music. He also makes a circus tent out of mashed potatoes.
Homer: Maaaarge…
Marge: Yes, Homie? (hums a few notes of "Entry of the Gladiators")
Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! (walks out the front door)
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
The students are trying on baggy pants, but Homer's pants fit perfectly.
Krusty: Okay, we'll start off with the baggy — (sees Homer) wha? Those are supposed to be baggy pants! BAGGY!
Homer: Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants fit this well in my liiiife.
During Krusty's demonstration of how to liven things up at a party, he throws a pie in the face of a wealthy older woman and her head gets embedded in the wall. This is what Homer took from that demonstration:
Homer: "Kill wealthy dowager."
Krusty demonstrating props:
Krusty: These Krusty-brand balloons are three bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost ya? (to nearby man) Hey Bill, what'd that cost us?
Krusty goes through the funny place names during clown college and Homer laughs hysterically at Seattle.
As Homer is riding on the tiny bicycle, his pants get raveled up in the axles as he continues pedaling. It exposes his naked rear end.
Krusty: (to his financial advisor) Uhh, burn that seat.
On graduation day at Krusty's Clown College, Krusty gives out the diplomas and shakes the recipients' hands with a joy buzzer. When it's Homer's turn, he swipes the diploma from Krusty's hand before he gets zapped.
Homer: Got it! No shock for me! (he turns and runs away) Hee-hee-hee-hee!
Krusty: Oh yeah?!
(Krusty catches up to Homer and shocks him repeatedly; Homer yells out in pain while Krusty laughs at his expense)
Homer's first gig as Krusty the Clown has him dropping in by parachute. His yelling increases in volume as he rapidly reaches the ground and lands on a structure; the parachute follows shortly afterward. Then, Homer sees the Krusty-Burglar.
Boy: It's the Krusty-Burglar!
Homer: Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why you little... I — got you!
(Homer immediately starts beating the crap out of the Krusty-Burglar, as the kids in attendance watch in horror)
Announcer: Uh, H-Homer, it's all ju-just an act.
Boy: (sobbing) Stop! Sto-o-o-o-o-p! He's already dead!
(two guards have to drag Homer away)
Announcer: (baffled) Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody.
(scattered applause from the kids)
Krusty-Burglar: (in Slavic accent) Please look at my medical alert bracelet. (groans)
While impersonating Krusty to get free stuff, Homer takes the family out to Luigi's.
Luigi: Hey, Krusty, what a beautiful date, and such lovely children.
Bart: I'm more striking than lovely.
Luigi: Come with me. You don't want to sit with the rest of this scum.
(The various customers start complaining, Luigi steps back into frame.)
Luigi: I only consider you scum compared to Krusty!
(The customers stop complaining and calm down)
Luigi: Yeah, you see how you scum.
- Homer's sheer delight at getting a bucket of paint. For free!
Krusty bets against the Harlem Globetrotters, apparently not knowing it's all a show.
Financial Advisor: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty: Oh, I thought the Generals were due! HE'S SPINNING THE BALL ON HIS FINGER! JUST TAKE IT! TAKE THE BALL!
(a Globetrotter on TV kicks the basketball off his foot backwards and it goes through the hoop)
Krusty: That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!
Two words: Speed holes.
Homer: I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Klown, which is me! Krusty!
(the mafia hide behind a fence and Louie takes out a gun)
Louie: Hey! It's Krusty, alright. Should I shoot him ganglance style or execution style?
Fat Tony: Listen to your heart.
Car Salesman: Well I can't give you the car, Krusty, but I can let you have this little number for practically nothing. Only 38 thousand.
(bullets hit the car)
Homer: Hey, what are all these holes?
Salesman: These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
Homer: Oh yeah, speed holes.
(more bullets hit the car, popping the tires and shattering the windows)
Salesman: You want my advice? I think you should buy this car
Fat Tony: We need more ammo. Let's go to Big 5!
- Homer putting speed holes in his car.
(Homer is hitting his car with a pick)
Ned: Watcha' diddly-doing, neighbour?
Homer: Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster!
Ned: Is that so?! Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders-mobile could use a—(gets shot and stands back up) Wow! Lucky, I always keep a Bible close to my heart, huh? (gets shot and stands up again) Ho ho ho! Lucky, I was wearing an extra-large piece of the True Cross today. (looks around nervously) I think I'll go inside. (runs away)
(another bullet hits Homer's pick, causing its head to whizz around)
Homer: What keeps doing that?
(cut to the mafia hiding from a bush where they've ran out of bullets)
Fat Tony: I told ya we shoulda bought more than 3 bullets. Let's just grab him.
To avoid Fat Tony and the rest of the Legitimate Businessman's Club, Krusty flees the U.S.A. and gets plastic surgery in a foreign country.
Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.
Krusty: (looks in mirror) AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!
Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.
Krusty: Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?
Homer gets abducted by Fat Tony and his henchmen due to his resemblance to Krusty.
Homer: But, wait! You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson!
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney, Yeah. Barney Gumble.
Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually, my real name is, uh — think, Krusty, think. — Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about Organized Crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!
Don Vittorio finally has the real Krusty at gunpoint, but can't bring himself to pull the trigger.
Vittorio: To murder a funny man of such genius would be a crime.
At the very end of the episode, we learn just how much Krusty owed the mob in gambling debts: $48.
Krusty: (Forks over bill) Here's fifty.
Don Vittorio: (Takes money and gives change) Annnd two, your change, and we thank-a you.
(Jaunty version of theme plays as credits roll)

119. - "Bart vs. Australia"

Lisa tries to explain the Coriolis effect to Bart.
Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the Southern Hemisphere.
Bart: What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?
Lisa: Haven't you ever looked at your globe? (she tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it) See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equa... (stares at Bart) this line.
Bart: So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally (points at Rand McNally logo on globe), all their water goes backwards?
Lisa: Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
Bart: (impressed) Cool!
Bart calls a man living on an island engulfed in lava from a recent volcanic eruption. When he sees a pay phone floating by and ringing, he reaches over and ends up drowned/incinerated.
The President of a South American country that isn't Brazil misinterprets Bart's phone call as a sign that his people are revolting against the government.
Bart: (slowly) Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
Aide: (in Spanish) He says the tide is turning!
Presidente: (in Spanish) Ay, carumba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee! (dives out window)
One of the people Bart calls is an aged Adolf Hitler, who's still alive in South America.
Hitler: Eine Minute, eine Minute! Ach! Das Wagen-phone ist ein...Nuisancephone! (Just a minute, Just a minute! Augh! This carphone is a Nuisance phone.)
Nazi passing by on bike: *Salutes* Buenos Noches, Mein Fuhrer! (Good Evening, My Fuhrer!)
Hitler: Ja, Ja! (Yes, yes!)
A koala gets electrocuted when Bart makes his phone call to Australia. Doubly funny as it immediately just climbs back up now singed and smoking to try again.
Bruno Drundridge is upset about his phone bill of $900 and tells someone about it.
Bruno: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of Parliament. (yells out window) Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you.
(Gus is tending his swine)
Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister. (they go down to a lake) Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!
Andy: (floating naked on an inner tube with a beer) Eh, mates! What's the good word?
Homer mispronounces the country of Uruguay ignorantly.
Homer: (looking at globe) There it is! Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. (laughs) Look at this country: U-R-Gay! (the family just looks at him)
Homer in the Australian pub:
Pub bartender: What'll it be, yank?
Homer: Gimme one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about!
(the bartender pulls a giant can of Fosters onto the bar. Homer stares at it in alarm.)
Bartender: Somethin' wrong, yank?
Homer: (dejectedly) No. It's pretty big, I guess...
Marge wants coffee, but the bartender will only serve beer.
Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, I said coffee.
Bartender: Beer.
Marge: Cof-fee.
Bartender: Be-er.
Marge: C-O...
Bartender: B-E...
- Homer Harassing a U.S. Marine who is standing guard in front of the American Embassy in Australia.
Homer: Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything?
(Homer makes silly faces and laughs in front of the Marine; the Marine gives a blank stare for a few seconds before finally punching Homer in the face)
Marine: No, Sir! US Marine Corps, Sir!
- The same U.S. Marine punches Homer in the face after Homer does his irritating "Australia/America" schtick.
  Bart: Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
  Marine: Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir!
  Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia... (jumps over the line) Now I'm in America! (jumps back over) Australia! (jumps) America!
  Bart: (flatly) I get it, Dad.
  Homer: Australia! America!
  Marge: (exasperated) Homer, that's enough!
  Homer: Australia! America! (Marine punches him) Ow!
  Marine: Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, sir!
The whole scene involving the Australians choosing a boot to use on Bart.
Homer: What kinda sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?
Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense, it's one of their proudest traditions!
Many people in Australia chase The Simpsons, including some thugs from Mad Max.
As Bart and Homer get close to the embassy gates, the ambassador sees them approaching, and tries to shut them out, pressing a large button with the words "MADE WITH PRIDE IN THE USA" underneath it. As expected, the gate shuts halfway, allowing Homer and Bart to get in.
Bart moons the Australians with the words "DON'T TREAD ON ME" written on his posterior. Then the family runs from the angry mob and escapes by boarding a helicopter.
Marge: I'm glad you're OK, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

120. - "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

Homer almost spills the beans about the financial problem he is in.
Marge: Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes 'til our usual bedtime.
Homer: Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been...
Marge: Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?
Homer: (imagines Marge dressed like a queen) Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. (Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her dressed as a princess) And Lisa, my little princess. (Bart walks up) And who could forget dear Ratboy? (envisions Bart to look like a rat)
Bart: "Ratboy"?! I resent that! (gnaws on doorframe)
Marge: Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
After Homer throws Patty and Selma out the first time, Marge goes out to apologies to them.
Marge: He's just a very complicated man.
(Homer leans out of the bedroom window above and smashes a plate over his head)
Homer: WRONG!
Patty and Selma force Homer to light cigarettes for them.
Homer: Request permission to slink by.
Patty: Permission pending. First...light our cigarettes.
Homer: But you're already smoking cig — (they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats) You're really pushing it.
Homer accidentally throws Marge out of the house as he's kicking Patty and Selma out after the Gruesome Twosome rat Homer out on his bad investment.
Homer takes up a job as a limousine driver to work off his debt to Patty and Selma. He is seen driving Mel Brooks.
Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, "Young Frankenstein"? Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
- Homer's conversation with Brooks gets weird.
  Homer: Sir, today, ever nation has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems back in your day?
  Mel Brooks: Sure, sure. Of course, back then we was caves, but every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem...
  Homer: And what was that national anthem, sir?
  Brooks: (singing) Let 'em all go ta Hell, except Cave 76!
- Mel Brooks: (to Chief Wiggum) How about you be Carl Reiner, and I be Police Chief Wiggum. I HATE Carl Reiner!
Bart falls in a ditch as he's being chased by bullies for admitting his love of ballet.
(as he's about to jump, Bart sees the disembodied head of his ballet instructor)
Instructor: Jump, Bart. Use the Ballet! Leap like you've never leapt before!
(Bart takes a running jump... and then falls halfway over)
- And the bullies are ultimately okay with this turn of events, "as long as he's hurt!"
- Then Lisa appears:
Lisa: Bart, you've shown a sensitive side of yourself which can never be hidden. From this day forward, we are kindred spirits. (she leaves)
Bart: (weakly) Why did she just leave me here when I clearly need medical attention?
Since Homer had his chauffer's license revoked, he needs to take a DMV driver's test, overseen by none other than both Patty and Selma.
Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.
Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair.
Patty: Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus 1 point.
Selma: Failed to check blind spot. Minus 2 points.
Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?
Patty: You are a loser, Homer...and we're winners. You gotta learn that.
Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus 1 point.
Homer: Nagging the driver. Minus 10 points for you!
Patty: Grazed a cone. Minus 5 points!
Homer: Being a jerk. Minus a million points!
Homer saves Patty and Selma from potentially getting fired (or at least downgraded) for smoking at work by grabbing both cigarettes and smoking them himself.
DMV Manageress: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir?
Homer: (monotone) Yes. (coughs) I am in flavor country.
DMV Manageress: (skeptical) Both of them?
Homer: (hacks) It's a big country.
DMV Manageress: (to Patty & Selma) Ladies, I apologize. (to Homer) And you, sir, are worse than Hitler. (slaps him)
- Patty and Selma try to repay Homer for taking the blame. Homer ends up getting what he wants.
  Patty: Homer, um...I'm speechless. You just saved our hides.
  Homer: Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides!
  Marge: That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
  Homer: I didn't do it for them...I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you...
  Marge: No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see!
  Patty: Homer...we're...sorry.
  Selma: If there's anything we can do to make it up...
  Homer: Call off the debt?
  Patty: Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test...
  Homer: Call off the debt?
  Patty: Uh...well...
  Homer: Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. (he grabs Marge. They go to his car and get in; the tires squeal as it leaves)
Homer, looking for money and having been denied a loan by the bank, goes elsewhere:
Moe: Sure, Homer, I can lend you money. But since ya got no collateral, I'm gonna hafta break your legs in advance.
Homer: Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in?
Moe: (now angry) Hey, are you loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? (lifts up a sledgehammer from under the bar) Now let's get cracking on them knees!
(Homer flees the bar)
When Homer finally turns to Patty and Selma for a loan, the two break into an Evil Laugh. Homer slowly joins in, the three of them stand there laughing... until Patty and Selma finally stop when Homer breaks into genuine, uncontrollable SHRIEKS of laughter for no reason whatsoever. See here.
Patty: Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!
At the DMV, Marge asks Homer that he try to be nice to Patty and Selma (even though they're the ones antagonizing him). Homer ain't taking.
Homer: Alright, Marge, I'll try to be nice to them. And then I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous SNAKES! ... now that's sarcasm.

121. - "A Star is Burns"

That Springfield is backwards scientifically is shown on TV where Principal Skinner about to be burned at the stake.
Skinner: I'm telling you people, the Earth revolves around the Sun!
Abe: Burn him! (he starts to light Principal Skinner on fire)
Photographer: (takes a picture) What a story!
Abe: (chasing the photographer) You've stolen my soul!
At the town hall meeting, Patty and Selma give their suggestion of how to improves Springfield's image and attract more tourism.
Patty: The easiest way to become popular is to leech off the popularity of others.
Selma: That's why we propose changing the name of the town from Springfield to Seinfeld. (Seinfeld-like scene transition music is heard)
- Then we get to Bart's suggestion, which is just a ploy to moon the town with a slide of his own butt. He attempts to escape by rising up with the retracting projector screen, but gets rolled up inside it instead.
  Bart: Aww, this is the last time I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse!
  Milhouse: (rolled up in the other end of the screen) Sorry, Bart...
Marge chimes in, despite knowing the town hasn't appreciated some of her previous suggestions, like switching to the metric system.
Abe: The metric system is the tool of the Devil! My car gets forty rods to the hog's head, and that's the way I likes it!
Mayor Quimby: The old person's remarks will be stricken from the record.
Regardless, Marge suggests a film festival, which actually does go down well. But this only goes so far.
Crowd: Film festival! Film festival!
Marge: You like my idea? Actually, I have several others...
Crowd: (still chanting) Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck!
Bart films Homer putting on his trademark blue pants and names the film "The Eternal Struggle". It's apparently a part of a series, alongside "Homer in the Shower" and "Homer on the Toilet".
As Rainier Wolfcastle is being interviewed by Jay Sherman, a clip of "McBain: Let's Get Silly!" is seen.
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? (Beat) That's the joke.
Random Man: You suck, McBain!
(McBain pulls out a machine gun from his jacket and starts firing at the audience)
- Rainier Wolfcastle continues talking about the movie.
  Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80,000,000.
  Jay: (disgusted) How do you sleep at night?
  Rainier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
  Jay: (disgusted again) Just askin'. Yeesh.
Also, why Jay decided to go to Springfield;
Jay: (After Marge's letter out on the streets) Do I really want to leave Manhattan?
Rainier: (Angrily confronts Jay) Mr. Sherman, I just realized you insulted me! (draws unfeasibly large gun from out of nowhere) Now you will die.
Jay: Uh, hey nudnik, your shoe's untied!
Rainier: From here they appeared to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look. (Looks at his shoes)
Jay: Taxi! (Gets into a cab) To the airport! (Drives off)
(Fade to night. Rainier is still looking at his shoes)
Rainier: On closer inspection, these are loafers.
- The scene cuts to black with Rainier still staring at his feet.
There's a meta-joke when Bart is about to watch The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons and moans that it's another cheap cartoon crossover. Then Homer introduces Bart to Jay Sherman.
Homer tells Jay Sherman about winning the belching contest^note and shows off his trophy before he belches in Jay's face. Jay compliments Homer and then lets out an extremely loud and long belch that blows things around and sets off 2 car alarms, winning by a landslide.
At the Simpson home, Jay Sherman talks with Patty and Selma while Homer watches.
Patty: Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert.
Selma: So tell us. Who's gay?
Jay: Oh, I don't know ... (mumbling) Harvey Fierstein.
Selma: No!
Patty: Who else?
(Homer whispers into Jay's ear)
Jay: Oh. MacGyver's gay. (Patty and Selma growl and advance on Jay, who cowers from them; Homer giggles)
(the scene shifts to outside; Jay has been stripped to his underwear and is dangling from the rain gutter by the waistband of his shorts)
Bart: (sees Jay and laughs) You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?
When Mr. Burns is attempting to pick who gets to play him in a biopic, there's a sequence where several people including William Shatner and Hannibal Lecter give their try with Burns's "Excellent" Catchphrase. Then it's Homer's turn.
Homer: Exactly.....heheheh.....D'OH!
At the film festival, Hans Moleman's film "Man Getting Hit by Football" involves him getting hit with a football thrown at his groin. Homer is the only one laughing.
Homer: (laughs hysterically) This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000!
Jay: (disapprovingly) This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.
Homer: But ... the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels! (still laughing) Roll it again!
As Barney Gumble's film entry "Pukahontas" is playing, a woman in the crowd talks about how touching the sad biopic is.
Woman: (softly) It's brilliant. Savagely honest, heart-breaking. He has the soul of a poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: (rudely) Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die.
(cut back to the film)
Barney: My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scouts' meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?
One scene in Mr. Burns' film has his character, a cowboy, promising to help a village of poor Mexicans (Led by Bumblebee Guy), falling off of his horse, and getting dragged around because his foot is caught in the saddle's stirrup.
Mr. Burns: We did twenty takes, and that was the best one.
Mr. Burns' film entry "A Burns for All Seasons" draws a strong negative reaction from the audience.
Mr. Burns: (shocked) Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Oh, no, sir. They're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".
Mr. Burns: (to crowd) Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
Crowd: Boooooooooooo! (they throw random objects at Mr. Burns)
Hans Moleman: (to himself) I was saying "Boo-urns".
The film festival judges meet after all the films were presented. Jay Sherman is appalled about Krusty giving his vote to Mr. Burns' film.
Jay: How can you vote for Burns' movie?
Krusty: Let's just say it moved me...to a bigger house! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
Jay Sherman mentions to Homer that there are better things in life that watching a man getting hit in the groin with a football. Out of nowhere, a football hits Jay in his groin and Nelson Muntz (off-screen) does his signature "Ha-ha!" laugh.
Barney wins the film festival's grand prize.
Barney: I've learned I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumble: hardworking, clean and sober!
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your grand prize: a lifetime supply of Duff beer!
Barney: Just hook it to my VEINS!!
[a man holding an IV needle comes up to Barney and does exactly that]
Mr. Burns bribes all of Hollywood into voting for his film, and it still ends up losing, this time to a remake of "Man Getting Hit by Football" which stars George C. Scott.

122. - "Lisa's Wedding"

A blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, but there's a shot as Lisa and Hugh arrive in England via a Wright Brothers-style plane, where Big Ben has been converted into a digital clock- and the clock has completely stopped, repeatedly flashing at 12:00.
Ned Flanders beats Waylon Smithers during the knight exhibition.
Chief Wiggum features an animal at the Renaissance Fair.
Chief Wiggum: Behold the mighty esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...and the body...of a rabbit!
(the bunny jumps out of its pen and starts to hop away; Lisa chases it)
Lisa: Here, bunny bunny. Here, bunny.
Chief Wiggum: (corrects her) Here, esquilax.
The Fortune Teller reads Lisa's future using tarot cards. Just not all the usual ones.
Lisa: The Death card?
Fortune Teller: No, that's good. It means transition, change.
(she draws another card, of a cheerful squirrel)
Lisa: Heh. That's cute.
Fortune Teller: (horrified) The Happy Squirrel!
Future Quimby is now driving a cab, under the name Mohammed Jafar. And Future Otto owns the cab company.
Future Otto: (on videophone) Hey, Quimby, when you're done on this fare, haul your indicted ass out to the convention center!
Future Quimby: (under his breath) I cut the ribbon at that convention center!
Future Lisa asks Future Marge to make sure Future Homer doesn't ruin her wedding. Turns out Future Marge took her promise very seriously, because as soon as Future Homer proposes they hold the entire wedding at Moe's, she pulls out a court order stating Future Homer isn't allowed to have anything to do with planning the wedding. Future Homer takes it surprisingly well.
Future Homer is insistent that Hugh pull his (Homer's) index finger.
Future Homer: So, Hugh, have you heard all the latest American jokes? Uh...here's a good one: pull my finger!
Hugh: (chuckles) Yes, we have that one in England, too, Mr. Simpson.
Future Homer: (in a threatening tone) I said pull my finger.
Milhouse learning of Lisa's engagement:
Milhouse: Hey, hey, there with a personal call, Simpson!
Homer: But Mr. Milhouse, my little girl's getting married!
Milhouse: Lisa?! (sadly) My one true love...
(Dissolve to a flashback. Lisa and Milhouse are sitting in a beaten-up car, Milhouse is looking slightly slovenly. Lisa is looking awkward)
Lisa: It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't think I ever plan on getting married.
(Milhouse breaks down crying. Dissolve back to the present day, Milhouse snaps out of his memory and glowers at Homer.)
Milhouse: I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson.
(He storms off. Homer, completely missing the point, smiles in anticipation)
At Future Moe's, the Virtual Reality bar games scene. Future Bart was playing some VR pool, until another guy hits him with a virtual dart while playing a game of VR darts. Soon, Bart and the other guy engage in a VR Bar Brawl, until Future Moe breaks it up by playing an ear piercing tone through their VR headsets that makes them collapse to the floor and writhe and scream in agony.
Future Smithers receives an invitation to Lisa's wedding.
Future Smithers: "Mr. Smithers plus guest"...huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. (pulls a frozen Mr. Burns from a slot in the wall) Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for 17 stab wounds in the back. How're we doing, boys?
Future Professor Frink: Well, we're up to 15!
Scientists: Yay!
Future Lisa tries to tell Future Marge that she doesn't want to wear white at the wedding because she had sex with Milhouse before getting married (and, as popular wedding traditions go, only women who stay virgins until their wedding day are allowed to wear virginal white). Future Marge's response: "Oh, Milhouse doesn't count."
Hugh introduces his parents to Future Homer, and braces himself for Future Homer to act like a complete dumbass. Future Homer simply tells Hugh's parents he liked Octopussy, and you can hear Hugh's trying very hard not to cry Tears of Joy.
The Fortune Teller informs Lisa of the grim ending to her vision about Lisa's future.
Fortune Teller: (to Lisa) The next day, Hugh goes back to England, and you never see him again.
Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this, isn't there any way to change the future?
Fortune Teller: No...but try to look surprised.
Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love.
Fortune Teller: Oh, you'll have a true love, but I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.
- Following this, the fortune teller tries to disappear by smoke bomb, only for it not work. After a moment of awkward silence, Lisa backs out of there.
Homer tells Lisa what he was doing as Lisa was getting her future told by the fortune teller.
Homer: Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing.
Lisa: Hi, Dad! (hugs him)
Homer: I ate 7 pounds of fudge!
Lisa: Wow!
Homer: The man at the stand said it was a record.
Lisa: Wow! What else did you do, Dad?
Homer: I rode the teacups, then I got a little sick and I had to sit down. But then, I rode them again!

123. - "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"

While on his restless streak, Santa's Little Helper digs up the cable TV cable, and then drags it along the entire street.
(The Wiggums are watching TV in bed when the signal cuts out)
Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing technical difficulties. Resist the temptation to read or talked to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
(Chief Wiggum lifts up his bedsheets and looks down)
Chief Wiggum: Well, I'll be darned.
Santa's Little Helper squeezes out of the window of the car and starts running away.
Homer: Don't worry. We'll catch him or run him over trying.
At the dog racetrack, Bart sees Santa's Little Helper do something unusual to the greyhound dog called She's the Fastest.
Bart: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it! (Marge covers his eyes)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end. This is the end of dog racing.
Marge: I think they're in love!
Others in the Audience: Awwwwww!
Homer: So that's what's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.
As Homer is sitting on the couch eating potato chips, some of the young greyhound dogs jump up and steal each one.
Mr. Burns' has a rousing cover of "Be Our Guest" called "See My Vest", wherein he describes the various animals he killed for his wardrobe.
- After the song is finished, Lisa is stunned in horror, only to notice that Bart is humming the song.
  Lisa: Bart!
  Bart: Sorry. (shrugs) You gotta admit, it's catchy.
When Lisa yells at Mr. Burns that he stole the puppies, he gives her a cell phone, telling her to "call someone who cares." She dials 911 before Burns snatches the phone back.
Homer appears to have hung in the basement, but is actually grabbing onto a rafter and batting a lightbulb as a means to cope with the loss of the million-dollar-winning greyhounds he let Mr. Burns adopt for free.

124. - "The PTA Disbands"

The historical recreation showing Springfield's mix of casual violence and stupidity goes back a long way:
Tour guide: The 19th Bearded Infantry were fluffing and tanning their beards in the sun, when suddenly enemy troops crested that hill over there,
(A group of sickly and wounded soldiers in Confederate uniforms limp down the hill, their leader carrying a white flag)
Confederate leader: Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally!
Confederate soldier: We're sick! We need leeches, and hacksaws to cut off our gangrenous limbs!
Springfrield soldier: C'mon, boys! Those white flags are no match for our muskets!
(The Springfield troops charge the soldiers, opening fire or stabbing them. One soldier tries desperately waving a flag, and gets stabbed.)
Tour Guide: But the Springfieldians were too brave to accept their enemies' surrender, and slaughtered them as they prayed for mercy!
- Then it pans back to see the Springfield Elementary kids trying to watch this from outside the park... and Bart's having to stand on a student's head.
  Bart: It's hard to tell what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers.
- And then one of the actors notices them...
Actor: Hey! They're trying to learn for free!
Tour Guide: GET 'EM!
Actor 2: USE YOUR PHONY GUNS AS CLUBS!
Edna and Seymour's argument over funding.
Edna: Our demands are very reasonable! By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures!
Skinner: Oh, come on, Edna! We both know these children ''have'' no future!
(The entire cafeteria falls silent as the children look at Skinner in shock)
Skinner: Prove me wrong, kids! Prove me wrong!
Marge writes notes for her kids in their lunches, but they're a bit different.
Bart: Uh, I think I got your lunch. (holds up note reading "I am very proud of you. Love, Mom")
Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was for me. (holds up note reading "Be good. For the love of God, please be good.")
Bart is at a construction site and causes havoc with a megaphone. The foreman eventually shows up to stop him, and he just happens to sound like Bart.
Foreman: (speaking in a voice that sounds like Bart's) Hey! Can't you tell my voice from a 10-year old kid's? Ay carumba!
After the teachers' strike is announced, there's a Jump Cut to a little girl in the empty gym hanging from the rings on the roof.
Girl: Hellooooo? Mrs Pommelhorse? I'd like to get down now!
Bart visits the bank and pulls a prank on the people waiting in line.
Bart: (in Voice #1) What do you mean the bank is out of money!?
Bart: (in Voice #2) Insolvent?!
Bart: (in Voice #3) You only have enough cash for the next 3 customers!?
(crowd starts going crazy)
Bank Guy: No, no, no, no, no! I don't have your money here! It's in....Bill's house...And...Fred's house!
Moe: (turns to guy next to him) Hey, what the hell are you doing with my money in your house, Fred? (punches Fred, setting off a huge fight)
Bart watches the teacher's strike going on and tricks them with a lie.
Bart: Now for Operation Make-Strike-Go-Longer. (to teacher) You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.
(the teachers whisper it through the line)
Teacher: (to Edna) Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher.
Edna: Well! We'll show him, especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" remark.
Due to not being in school, Lisa develops a need for being graded. Then Homer and Marge talk about the kids in bed.
Lisa: Grade me! Look at me. Evaluate and rank me! I'm good, good, good, and oh so smart. Grade me!
(Marge scribbles "A+" on a blank piece of paper; Lisa sighs with relief; the scene cuts to Homer and Marge's bedroom)
Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: (scoffs) Pbbbt, I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. (eyes the machine) It just keeps going faster and faster!
Marge: (gets out of bed and looks out the window) And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Bart: (looks at Marge from outside) Hello, Mother dear.
Marge: (groans as she shuts the blinds) That's it! We have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. (calls out) Lisa, get in here.
Lisa: (opens the bedroom door) Uh...
Homer: (angrily) In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! (points to the machine)
During the PTA Conference led by Ned Flanders, a man freaks out.
Man: The PTA has disbanded! Huh! HUH! AARGH! (jumps out window)
Ned: No, the PTA has not disbanded. (same man jumps back in and sits down)
- "Oh yeah, the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes!"
- Just before the freak out:
Ned: I guess we'll just have to... agree to disagree!
Skinner: I don't agree to that.
Edna: Neither do I!
Jasper Beardly is a temporary volunteer substitute teacher for Lisa's class.
Jasper: Talking outta turn... That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window... That's a paddlin'. Staring at my sandals... That's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe... (narrows his eyes) Oooh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.
- Lisa later grumbles that Jasper sent them home early because he got his beard caught in the pencil sharpener.
Meanwhile, the kindergarten kids get Professor Frink. Using a corn-popper to demonstrate physics.
Professor Frink: ... and this causes the rapid oscillation, you can see it there, of the neighbouring particles. (he starts rolling the popper back and forth, until a kid holds up a hand) Yes, what, what is it?!
Kid: Can I play with it?
Frink: No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do! (starts playing with the popper again) Whoa-hoah, wah-hey, the colors, children!
Bart: (talking to Principal Skinner) She said you'd fold faster then Superman on laundry day.
Bart degrades fast during the school strike:
Bart: Hey, Milhouse, I found a swarm of bees, wanna go throw rocks at it?
Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome Scandal.
Bart: Buh?
Milhouse: However, it might be feasible in a fortnight.
Bart: Guh?
Milhouse: I can play in two weeks.
Bart: Juh?
- And later:
  Milhouse: But Bart, you'll never get Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabbapel together. They're like two positively charged ions.
  Bart: Zuh?
When Marge becomes the substitute teacher, Bart hurriedly tries to get rid of all the booby traps. The first is the relatively tame thumbtack on the teacher's chair. The second is a battering ram swinging down from the ceiling - that Marge has a complete non-reaction to.
"Kids have been doing that one since my day."

125. - "'Round Springfield"

The introduction to the Krusty the Clown Show, where Krusty keeps Digging Himself Deeper:
Krusty: Hey, kids, it's story time! I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: his sexual harassment suit! (laughs unconvincingly) Oh, boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he has a new court-ordered sidekick, Ms. No-Means-No. (looks at her) Wow, you're hot! Let's get some dinner after the show. (she blows a whistle and holds up a NO sign) I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel?
Sideshow Mel: (indignantly) We've never spoken outside of work.
Bart: (watching the show at home) I'm surprised he didn't blame his problems on his Percodan addiction.
Krusty: Wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor: PERCODAN?! Aw, crap!
Groundskeeper Willie teaching French:
Groundskeeper Willie: BOOOONJOOOURRRRR, you Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys!
Krusty tries to defend himself on TV.
Kent Brockman: This just in: Krusty the Clown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme park is a death trap, and that he's marketing videos of Tonya Harding's wedding night.
Krusty: And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives. Next question?
Woman: What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal?
Krusty: To prove that this metal O is harmless, I will personally eat one. (eats it) See? There's nothing (starts screaming and writhing) Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides!
Sideshow Mel: Er, Krusty, that wasn't the metal one, that was a regular Krusty-O.
Krusty: (weakly) It's poison!
After an earlier appearance, the Hot Dog Vendor appears at the cemetery.
Marge: What do you do, follow my husband around?
Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
Bart appearing in Bleeding Gums' room while Lisa is speaking to him, all so he can introduce Dr. Cheeks.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: What are you here for?
Lisa: My brother just had his appendix out.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Is he gonna be okay?
Bart: (shaking his butt with two eyes drawn on and a stethoscope) Hello. I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds and, uh, I'm a little behind.
Lisa: (dryly) He'll be fine.
Lisa has a dream where she speaks with "Bleeding Gums" Murphy one last time. Some other beings also show up.
Mufasa: You must avenge my death, Kimba — I mean Simba.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
James Earl Jones: This is CNN.
"Bleeding Gums" Murphy: Will you guys cut it out? I'm trying to say goodbye to Lisa.
Other guys: We're sorry.
The crummy jazz station Lisa finds:
DJ: (on Bleeding Gums's record) I'll spin it for you, but ain't no-one gonna hear it. Our broadcasting station only has a range of twenty-five feet, which makes it the most powerful jazz station in the entire US of A.
Lisa: Jeez, your station has problems.
DJ: Tell me about it. Just look at our morning guy.
(pan to the recording booth, where Hans Moleman is talking into the mic)
Moleman: Hello, and welcome to Moleman in the Morning. Good moleman to you. Coming up, part six on the series of the agonizing pain I live in every daaaaaaaay.
Bart's Imagine Spot of coming back as a butterfly and framing Principal Skinner for burning down the school.
Skinner: I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly!
Chief Wiggum: He's crazy, boys. Get the taser. (scene pans up to show Butterfly Bart doing an Evil Laugh while holding a gas can)
The scene with Bleeding Gums Murphy's musical mentor Blind Willie Witherspoon.
Blind Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing jazz for 30 years and I just can't make a go at it. I want you to have my saxophone.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: This isn't a saxophone, it's an umbrella!
Blind Willie Witherspoon: So I've been playing an umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anybody tell me?
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Hey, we all thought it was funny! (laughs)
Blind Willie Witherspoon: That's not funny.

126. - "The Springfield Connection"

As Marge chases after Snake, Homer chases her and becomes extremely exhausted after running for a short distance.
Marge ends up smacking Snake in his head with a garbage can lid. Then Snake is arrested by the police.
Chief Wiggum: Cuff 'im, boys. We're puttin' this dirtbag away.
Snake: Ha! I'll be back on the street in 24 hours.
Chief Wiggum: We'll try to make it 12.
- Another police car pulls up. Homer gets out and is still gasping for breath from running.
Marge watches 3 police cars arrive back at the police station. The officers bring something inside.
Chief Wiggum: All right, get in there.
Lou: You're goin' down.
Eddie: I wanna piece of him.
Chief Wiggum: You think you're pretty hot, huh? Well, we got everything we need on you.
(the camera pans down to show a pizza with toppings; Marge enters the front door knocking)
Marge: Excuse me?
Chief Wiggum: (quickly) What, what, what, what, what-what-what? This better be about pizza.
Marge: Uh, actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
(the officers laugh for 15 seconds, then stop)
Chief Wiggum: Welcome aboard.
Chief Wiggum addresses Marge and 4 other people being recruited.
Chief Wiggum: All right, ya scrawny beanpoles, becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight — it takes 1 solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Gun-Obsessed Recruit: (angrily) FORGET ABOUT THE BADGE! WHEN DO WE GET THE FREAKING GUNS?!
Chief Wiggum: (sternly) Hey, I told you. You don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
Gun-Obsessed Recruit: (angrily) I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR "RULES"! (he walks away)
Marge attempts to climb over the brick wall on the obstacle course.
Chief Wiggum: Heh. Women always have trouble with the wall. (other recruits are seen walking through a door) Can't ever seem to find the door.
Marge sees Lionel Hutz rummaging through a dumpster outside of the Junkytown Legal Clinic.
Marge: Hello, Mr. Hutz.
Lionel: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
Marge: I just wanted to say "hello".
Lionel: Oh... Hello. (laughs nervously)
- As Marge walks away, he lights up a butane cigarette lighter and tosses it in the dumpster, setting it on fire.
At the Kwik-E-Mart, Apu tries to bribe Marge with some money. After Marge refuses, he sets it on the counter and turns his back; Marge does the same thing. Then Mr. Burns walks by and snatches the money while drinking from a carton of milk he didn't pay for (not even with the money he took).
Homer is whistling as he takes some of Marge's yellow tape that reads "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS" and puts it across the front of the Flanders' house.
Lisa: Mom's police tape isn't a toy, dad.
Homer: S-shush, dear. You'll ruin daddy's fun.
- They hide behind the hedges. Homer is grinning as Lisa is frowning with her arms crossed. Ned arrives home.
  Ned: ♪Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the...♪ (gasps; drops bag) Oh my Lord. Something horrible has happened! (Homer comes out of hiding)
  Homer: (laughs) Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead. (continues laughing) Did ya get it? (laughs some more; Ned chuckles) They're not, though.
  Ned: No.
  Homer: (laughs) But you thought they were.
  Ned: Yeah.
  Homer: (laughing) That's why it was so funny.
  Ned: Yeah.
  Homer: (laughs) But they're not.
  Ned: (chuckles) That's a good one.
Inside the kitchen at the Simpson house, Lenny is shuffling cards for a game. Homer uses a handheld radar speed gun on him.
Homer: Hey, hurry up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at 2 miles per hour.
Lenny: Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer.
Homer: (still using the radar gun) All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per— (Lenny punches him) OW!
Marge arrests Homer for taking her police officer hat.
Homer: (impersonates Marge) Ooh, I'm Officer Marge. I'm here to arrest you. (Marge slaps the cuffs on Homer; he drops the voice) Hey, wha?! Woah, Marge, not here. (realizes she's serious) Hey, you're not really arresting me?
Marge: You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right. (wails maniacally)
Homer eats Hans Moleman's last meal right before he (Hans) is about to receive capital punishment.
Rev. Lovejoy: All right, Hans. Time to go.
Hans: But he ate my last meal.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.
Hans: Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail?
Rev. Lovejoy: From this point on, no talking. (Hans is sent away by two officers)
After Homer is released from jail, he decides to draw a line across the bedroom.
Homer: I'm drawing a line down the center of the house à la I Love Lucy. You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side. (he doesn't pay attention to where he is and traps himself in a small corner) D'oh!
This line from Homer:
"You know, when Marge joined the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting. You know, like that movie: Spaceballs. But, instead, it's painful and disturbing, like that movie, Police Academy.
Moe rags on Homer for saying "garage" when he really means "car hole."
The Springfield Police laugh at Marge again when she tells them she quits.
Due to not knowing what happened out in the garage, Barney, Carl, Moe, and Lenny are waiting for Homer to show back up for Poker.
Lenny: I don't think they're comin' back.
Moe: Well, that does it. That does it. I'm looking at his cards. (looks at Homer's cards) Aw, crap. I fold.
The episode's Chalkboard Gag has Bart write "I will not mock Mrs Dumbface".

127. - "Lemon of Troy"

The history of the feud between Springfield and Shelbyville. The two founders differed on a key issue: whether people could marry their attractive cousins.
The end of the lemon tree story.
Abe: The people of Springfield believed they had founded a sweet new town. And so, to commemorate this, they planted this lemon tree, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.
Marge and Homer react differently to Bart's plan on raiding Shelbyville.
Bart: I've got to teach some kids a lesson.
Marge: I choose to take that literally.
Bart: Death to Shelbyville!
Homer: Yes. Our son is a tutor now.
- Given a great Call-Back later in the episode when the truth is revealed.
  Marge: Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!
Homer and the other Springfieldians try to get the lemon tree back from Homer's Shelbyville counterpart.
Homer: That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our fore fathers! Give it back, or we'll bust in there and take it!
Shelbyville Homer: Bust in here and take it?! You must be stupider than you look!
Homer: Stupider like a fox! (tries to climb over the gate but fails)
- After which the latter takes a bite out of a lemon. His face puckers up.
Dejected, the group of men and boys begin to head back to Springfield in Ned Flanders' RV; Bart hatches an idea when the vehicle passes the hospital.
Homer: (dismal) This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody wants me, I'll be in the shower.
Bart: There's got to be a way to get that tree back. —Hey, look. A hospital! Pull in there!
(Bart grabs the steering wheel to turn the RV so Ned can park it in the "NO PARKING" area.)
Homer: (from inside the RV shower) Oh, great! Now I'm upside-down!
The lemon tree hits the "Welcome to Springfield" sign after the rescue operation.
When Bart finds the tree, he says that he'll never find it because it's "as useless as that lemon-shaped rock over there." The camera pans over to what appears to be a lemon... but then it is a rock, and the lemon was behind it.

128. - "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1"

On the school roof, as Skinner surveys the damage the building suffered after Willie struck oil in the basement, Superintendent Chalmers confronts him:
Skinner: (looking down through the holes in the various floors) My lord! Such destruction.
(Chalmers arrives through a hatch)
Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers! How are you going?
Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded", I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"!
The "Profit projections to Pete Porter in Pasadena" scene, which ends with Homer taking the package back to Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: (Sputters) My name is the return address, you senseless dunderpate! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer: (Thinking) I've worked here for ten years and my boss doesn't even know my name. Well, that's gonna change right now. (Speaking) My name is Homer Simp- (Burns pushes a button and tiny weight drops on Homer's head) On!
(Weight reads 1000 grams)
Mr. Burns: Sounded large when I ordered it. I can't make hair nor hide of these metric booby traps.
Homer finding out that Mr. Burns didn't add his name to the thank you note, you actually see his pupils get smaller as he goes into Tranquil Fury mode and asks Bart and Lisa to step outside (Which they do as fast as they can since they're scared of his reaction) and he takes a deep breath as he lets out an F bomb that's covered by a church organ as everyone on the street stares at the Simpsons house in shock. The note the organ players? *F* Minor, of course.
Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
Mr. Burns stomps on the buildings in his model of Springfield.
Burns: Take that, Bowl-o-rama! Take that, convenience mart! Take that, Nuclear Power Plan... Oh, fiddlesticks.
While driving, Homer is having hallucinations of multiple Burns appearing and never calling him by name.
Burns hallucinations: (appearing one at a time) Smithers, who is that ignoramus? Smithers, who is that lollygagger? Who is that blubber-pot? Who is that baffle-wit? Lummox, Puddinghead, Limp Noodle, Drizzlepuss, Fumble Face.
Homer: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!
Burns hallucinations: Look out!
Homer: What?
(Homer accidentally drives his car through the safety barrier to the plant's parking lot)
Mr. Burns walks into his office and turns on the light. Homer is holding a can of spray paint, with MY NAME IS HOMER SIMPSON painted on the wall.
Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?
In response to the above, Homer understandably goes absolutely bonkers, attacking Mr. Burns while shouting "MY-NAME-IS-HOMER-SIMPSON!" at him. And Mr. Burns still doesn't understand what this long-term employee's name is.
Then later:
Mr. Burns: (reveals a holstered gun) I've decided to protect myself, after I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.
Homer: (offscreen) D'oh!
A line only Burns could say: "Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun!"
Lunch Lady Doris lines up for the school's equipment request:
Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen.
(beat)
Doris: I want to hire a new staff.
At the town meeting, as everyone list their grievances with Mr. Burns, Bart adds his:
Bart: Look what he did to my best friend!
(everyone in the room turn to stare at Milhouse, who is in the middle of eating a bag of Cheese Puffs, and gasps)
Milhouse: (confused) Wha...?
Bart: No! My dog!

Funny / The Simpsons Season 6

104. - "Bart of Darkness"

105. - "Lisa's Rival"

106. - "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

107. - "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Deleted Scenes

108. - "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

109. - "Treehouse of Horror V"^note

A. - The Shinning

B. - Time and Punishment

C. - Nightmare Cafeteria

Deleted Scenes

110. - "Bart's Girlfriend"

111. - "Lisa on Ice"

112. - "Homer Badman"

Deleted Scenes

113. - "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Deleted Scenes

114. - "Fear of Flying"

115. - "Homer the Great"

116. - "And Maggie Makes Three"

117. - "Bart's Comet"

118. - "Homie the Clown"

119. - "Bart vs. Australia"

120. - "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

121. - "A Star is Burns"

122. - "Lisa's Wedding"

123. - "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"

124. - "The PTA Disbands"

125. - "'Round Springfield"

126. - "The Springfield Connection"

127. - "Lemon of Troy"

128. - "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1"

Video Example(s):

Burns falls off his horse

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Burns falls off his horse

Funny / The Simpsons Season 6

Edit Locked

104. - "Bart of Darkness"

105. - "Lisa's Rival"

106. - "Another Simpsons Clip Show"

107. - "Itchy and Scratchy Land"

Deleted Scenes

108. - "Sideshow Bob Roberts"

109. - "Treehouse of Horror V"note A.K.A. "The Simpsons Halloween Special V"

A. - The Shinning

B. - Time and Punishment

C. - Nightmare Cafeteria

Deleted Scenes

110. - "Bart's Girlfriend"

111. - "Lisa on Ice"

112. - "Homer Badman"

Deleted Scenes

113. - "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Deleted Scenes

114. - "Fear of Flying"

115. - "Homer the Great"

116. - "And Maggie Makes Three"

117. - "Bart's Comet"

118. - "Homie the Clown"

119. - "Bart vs. Australia"

120. - "Homer vs. Patty and Selma"

121. - "A Star is Burns"

122. - "Lisa's Wedding"

123. - "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"

124. - "The PTA Disbands"

125. - "'Round Springfield"

126. - "The Springfield Connection"

127. - "Lemon of Troy"

128. - "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1"

Video Example(s):

Burns falls off his horse

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Index

Next

Burns falls off his horse

109. - "Treehouse of Horror V"^note