The Simpsons Season 5 / Funny

Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

82. - "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Bart happens upon a "Melvin and the Squirrels" record during the Springfield Swap Meet. Apparently, it's not the first Alvin and the Chipmunks clone of its time.
Bart: What the hell is this?
Comic Book Guy: Melvin and the Squirrels; part of the rodent invasion of the 1960s.
[Comic Book Guy takes the record and plays it.]
Melvin and the Squirrels: Stuck a feather in his hat...
Melvin: ...and called it Rice-A-Roni!
Dave Seville Expy: Mel-VIN!!!
The Be Sharps are performing at the Springfield Retirement Castle.
Abe: That's my son up there!
Old Jewish Man: What, the balding fatass?
Abe: Er... no, the Hindu guy.
The Be Sharps perform in front of convicted criminals at the Springfield State Prison.
Snake: (holding a small gray rock) I'm gonna nail that cop right between the eyes... right after this song is over.
(The Be Sharps finish singing. From the crowd, Snake throws the rock and hits Chief Wiggum, knocking him off the stage. Then Snake laughs)
- At the start of that song, the Be Sharps were on their knees. Wiggum was straining himself trying to get up.
Homer fires Chief Wiggum by taking him to the middle of nowhere and leaving him. Wiggum even understands what’s going on after Homer drives away and belts out a Big "NO!" which turns into a howl.
The group of singers is holding tryouts to replace Chief Wiggum. Homer decides he has had enough of putting up with his dad's audition.
Homer: Get off the stage!
Abe: I want to, but I can't!
- Jasper's audition consists of him singing the theme from A Summer Place, but he doesn't seem to realize that it has lyrics because he just sings the title.
  Jasper: (sings) Theeeeeeme...from a suuuummer plaaaace...from a suuuuummer plaaaaace, the theeeeeeme, from a suuuumer place — it's the theeeeeme...
- A mysterious, overweight gentleman in Victorian garb sings the closing number to ‘’Dr. Doolittle’’, “Talk to the Animals”:
  Gentleman: If I can talk with the animals/ (voice increases to an off-pitch fervor) If I can run and squawk and SQUEAK with the animals!…
  (The piano abruptly cuts mid-tempo as everyone in the audition hall gasps as the gentleman’s mustache falls off, revealing)
  Skinner: Good lord! Doctor Doolittle is actually Chief Wiggum!
  Wiggum (visibly panicking): This bird’s gotta fly! (Wiggum runs off stage, vaulting over the piano and crashing into the street below with a ‘bah!’ )
Apu is told by the group's agent, Nigel, that he needs to have his last name changed.
Apu: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay!
- What makes it even funnier is that Nigel wanted it changed to be shorter. Which it is, by a whole three (four without the space) letters:
  Du Beaumarchais
  Nahasapeemapetilon
The group's manager tells Homer they need to keep his marriage a secret, because "a lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and, ah, we want them to think they can." Homer considers this and says, "Well, if I explain it to Marge that way I'm sure she'll understand."
A reporter asking Apu (who, at Nigel's request, changed his last name to Du Beaumarchais) if he is Indian.
Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
One of the Be Sharps' performances has them performing for a crowd (including then-President Ronald Reagan) at the Statue of Liberty. Homer decides to do a dedication:
Homer: We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She's a hundred years old, and she weighs over two hundred... tons.
Man: This enormous woman will devour us all! (he screams and jumps overboard)
Homer: Er, I meant the statue.
Homer meets George Harrison in the flashback.
Homer: (narrating) And then came the greatest moment of my life.
George Harrison: Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my God! OH MY GOD! Where did you get that brownie?!?
George Harrison: Over there, there's a big pile of them.
(Homer just spends the next 20 seconds shoving brownies into his mouth, without regarding George Harrison at all)
Homer: Ohhh, man... (continues gorging)
George Harrison: (sincerely) Well, what a nice fella.
Barney and his girlfriend record a song that supposedly sounds similar to the start of John Lennon's song "Revolution #9".
Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH*
Homer finding, and dismissing, a number of Mrs Glick's valuables at the swap meet: the Declaration of Independence, Action Comics #1, a sheet of rare stamps with an upside down plane, and a, "Strada-Who-vious?"
"I'd like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat."
- And then Moe produces exactly that — preprepared — without comment.
On the way home from the swap meet, Homer reveals that he sold their spare tire. Cue a blowout and an annoyed grunt.
George Harrison takes one look at the Be Sharps' rooftop concert and sums up the entire episode.
George Harrison: It's been done.

83. - "Cape Feare"

The Simpson family looks through all of Sideshow Bob's threatening letters to Bart. Marge notices that one reading "I KILL YOU SCUM!" isn't written in blood. It turns out Homer wrote that after Bart somehow wrote the words "WIDE LOAD" on his butt. Bart, Marge, Lisa, Abe, and Nelson (who randomly appears at the kitchen window) all laugh about it.
At one point, Homer gets one of the letters and thinks it's for him. He loudly freaks out and the whole family dashes around him, even a random mouse.
The very random song that was dedicated to Bart on the radio with the message, "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully!"
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Wipeout!"
There's a brilliantly delivered Noodle Incident which occurs as Bart and Lisa try to figure out who is sending Bart letters written in blood.
Lisa: Bart, I figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
Bart: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it!
Initially thinking Moe is the culprit after Bart, Lisa calls him, warning him to stop or they'll call the police. In a panic, Moe goes behind the bar where a bunch of mobsters are gathered. Moe tells them that business is over... and frees a group of pandas they had captive.
Bob's parole hearing:
- Selma tells the parole board that Bob tried to kill her on their honeymoon. The Blue Haired Lawyer then asks the court how many are thinking of killing her right now. The entire jury raises their hands (after Blue Haired Lawyer tells them to be honest), including Patty.
Patty: Eh, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
- "Parole granted!"
Blue Haired Lawyer: And what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"?
Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The".
Female Parole Officer: No one who speaks German can be an evil man.
Bart is woken up by his radio alarm:
Radio announcer: And this one goes out to Bart Simpson with the message "I am coming to kill you, slowly and painfully!"
["Wipe Out!" by the Surfaris begins playing, while Bart fearfully lowers himself under his blanket]
Sideshow Bob and the Simpsons end up meeting each other by coincidence at a movie theater after he's granted parole.
Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right...stay away...forever!
Homer: Oh, no!
Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good. (groans, leaves, then returns) Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say, "Stay away from my son!" again!
Marge: (annoyed) No! (Bob groans and leaves)
- Before that Marge complains that Sideshow Bob is rude for smoking a cigar in the movie theater. Homer agrees, while smoking a even larger cigar.
Chief Wiggum glances over some other laws in a book, after Lou points that yes, it is illegal to mail threatening letters.
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. (the camera pans over to some other cops doing just that) Boys, knock it off!
Chief Wiggum informs Homer about a certain way the law works.
Chief Wiggum: Once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.
Homer: Is that so? (leans head out window) Oh Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen?
(Homer stands lying menacingly in wait behind a doorframe, pounding his fist into his other hand)
Chief Wiggum: Uhh, it doesn't work if you invite him. (Flanders arrives at that very moment)
Ned: Hidely-hey!
Homer: Go home.
Ned: (turns right around) Toodely-doo!
The Witness Relocation Program attempts to move the Simpsons to a new location.
Agent 1: Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job. New identities.
Homer: Ooh! I wanna be John Elway!
(dissolve to Homer's fantasy of playing for the Denver Broncos, also the only player in a leather helmet)
Announcer: Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last second magic, the final score of Super Bowl XXX, Denver: 7 San Francisco: 56.
Homer: (back in the office) Woo-hoo!
- The discussion continues.
  Agent 2: We have places your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Feare, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville...
  Homer: Ooh! Ice Creamville!
  Agent 2: Uh, no. Screamville.
  Homer: (screams)
- The Agents tell Homer he is now Homer Thompson and address him with that name.
  Agent 1: Tell you what: From now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice for a bit. When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
  Homer: Check.
  Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. (Homer sits at the table silently) Remember now: Your name is Homer Thompson.
  Homer: I gotcha.
  Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. (Again, Homer sits at the table silently)
  (Agents 1 and 2 look at each other, there's a transition to much later where they've taken their jackets off, 2 is smoking, and the other Simpsons look exhausted)
  Agent 1: (exasperated) Now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
  Homer: No problem.
  Agent 1: (while stomping repeatedly on Homer's foot) Hello, Mr. Thompson.
  Homer: (looks at his foot, pauses, then leans back and whispers to Agent 2) I think he's talking to you.
Shortly after arriving at the houseboat, Homer assures Marge he tied up all the loose ends before they left. Cut to Abe outside the house.
Abe: Hello! Helloooooo! You have my pills! Hellooooooo? I'm cold and there are wolves after me.
(howling is heard in the distance)
Homer unknowingly torments Sideshow Bob as the family drive to their new home. Bob had strapped himself to the underside of the Simpsons' car, but couldn't plan on Homer's... unique style of driving.
Homer: (seeing a whole lot of cacti in the distance) Hey, kids? Who wants to drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Sideshow Bob: (horrified) NO!
Homer: Oop! 2 against 1! (he turns and drives through the cacti, oblivious to Bob's moans and screaming in agony)
The highlight of Sideshow Bob's long and memorable existence:
- ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan)
  - The rake gag ends with a cut to the Simpsons' new houseboat, with Homer sitting with a beer and Marge retrieving something from a box... Both of them are oblivious to the sounds of Bob still accidentally stepping on rakes.
- The Brick Joke later on, when Bob springs into action. The first thing that happens? ker-THWACK!!
- Meta-example. Originally, Bob was only going to step on one rake and Kelsey Grammer provided one groan while recording. The episode was running short, even with an extended Couch Gag, so they extended the rake scene to fill in for extra time. The same groan was used following each rake, and Grammer reportedly loved the result when he first saw it.
Bart discovers that Sideshow Bob has followed the family to Terror Lake.
Bob: Surely there is no harm in lying in the middle of a public street? (a parade occurs and everything tramples over him) AHHH, NOT the elephants! (He gets crushed by elephants carrying marquees that says: "Terror Lake. Salutes. Hannibal. Crossing. The. Alps.")
- A separate elephant was used for the word "The".
Bart is trying to fall asleep in the houseboat, but Homer scares him twice within a matter of seconds:
Homer: BART! YOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?!

Homer: BART! YOUWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK!?
Sideshow Bob bursts into Bart's bedroom.
Bob: Your family can't help you now!
(the entire family is shown tied up, including Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II, Homer is still asleep and drooling)
Lisa: Oh no, Dad's been drugged!
Marge: No, he hasn't.
During the climax, Bart tries to jump over the side of the houseboat to escape Bob, but sees a crocodile snap at him in the water. Bart then runs to the other side of the boat, but sees a group of electric eels on the other side (somehow). Bart then runs to the first side again, only to see the crocodile snap at him again.
Bart: Oh, yeah...
Bob gets apprehended when the boat collides with the shore where police just happen to be waiting. "It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel."
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here.! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
As the Simpson family gets to go back home after Sideshow Bob is arrested (again), they see Abe standing outside the house, begging for the family to let him in so he can take his medication as he has turned into a woman (physically, as in, he grew breasts and a curvy body). Jasper (Grampa's on-again/off-again friend) offers the newly-feminized Grampa a date rather than have the family go in the house and get his meds.
At the very beginning of the episode, Lisa receives a call from her pen-pal Anya, in a wonderful burst of Black Comedy.
Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and (voiceover changes to a gruff male voice) replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull, and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, little girl.
Sideshow Bob's one-man performance of H.M.S. Pinafore is awesome. That at some point during the two-hour-long performance, he acquires costumes and produces a freaking playbill, and Bart even seems to forget Bob is trying to kill him and joins in the singing, on the other hand...

84. - "Homer Goes to College"

When the Nuclear Power Plant is having a meltdown, Mr. Burns gets in an escape pod and locks Smithers out.
Smithers: For the love of God sir, there are two seats!
Mr. Burns: (opens pod door and pokes his head out) I like to put my feet up. (closes door again)
- The escape pod malfunctions soon after takeoff, sending Mr. Burns crashing down the street.
Homer and some of the plant's other worst employees are assigned to the basement during the inspection to guard a bee in a jar. They fail.
Homer: The bee bit my bottom, now my bottom's big!
One of the inspectors is baffled about the work station simulation meltdown that Homer caused.
Inspector: I still don't understand how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck.
- And Homer's brief rampage:
  "RAAAWWWR!! MUST. DESTROY. MANKIND. (watch beeps) Ooooh, lunchtime! (shakes off the glowing radiation)
At a meeting where Mr. Burns lobbies for Homer to be accepted to college in spite of his obvious lack of academic ability, he has a giant demon chair. He then attempts to recreate the scene from The Untouchables where Al Capone beats an underling to death with a baseball bat. Emphasis on attempts.
Board Member: What are you doing?
Mr. Burns: (already pained and struggling) I'm giving you the beating of your life.
Board Member: Look, if— Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?
(Burns collapses)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, dismember the body and send his widow a corsage.
Lisa helps Homer apply to college.
Lisa: Dad, don't let these college essays get you down. Let's see: "List your 3 favorite books and how they've influenced your life".
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: (flatly) No.
Homer: Son Of Sniglet?
Lisa: (flatly) No.
Homer: Katharine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: (annoyed)'' No!
Homer: (moaning)'' Aw, I suck!
Homer receives a letter in the mail which tells him he has been accepted into Springfield University.
Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! (lights it on fire) I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
- What adds to the scene is the fact that he's burning his house down while he sings this. Plus, the misspelling was an actual mistake on Dan Castellaneta's part that got thrown in.
Homer's physics professor makes an opening joke about "out with the old and in with the nucleus". Everyone laughs except Homer. A moment later he drops his notes, and Homer laughs hysterically.
Homer learned everything he needs to know about college life from a cheesy Animal House ripoff movie called The School of Hard Knockers.
Homer attempts to prank call the dean.
Homer: (in a badly disguised voice) Hello Dean, you're a stupid head!
Dean: (looks out the window and sees Homer on a pay phone) Homer, is that you?
Homer: (screams and runs away)
Mr. Burns bribing the Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspectors: "You can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box."
- "The Box! The Box!"
The nerds assuring Homer that they can survive on their own.
Snake: Uh, wallet inspector!
Doug: (the nerds immediately give him their wallets) Here you go. I believe that's all order.
Snake: Whoah! I can't believe that worked! (runs away)
Homer: (slowly realizing the nerds are now broke) Hey, that's not the wallet inspector!
Homer boasting that he's worked in a nuclear power plant.
Homer: Uhh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and I think I know how a proton accelerator works.
Professor: Well, please come down and show us.
Homer: All right, I will!
(Smash Cut to the building emitting a green glow. Students run away screaming while Homer, once again glowing green, addresses two technicians in radiation suits)
Homer: In there, guys.
Technicians: Thanks, Homer.
When he finds out he doesn't have to attend the review session at the end of his class, Homer is quick to ditching it so he can chase squirrels around a tree with a stick while giggling like a little girl.
Homer finally gets the nerds readmitted to the college by admitting to the dean it was his fault they got expelled in the first place, and thinks everything has worked out... only to be handed the semesters final exam and realize he never actually did any studying! The nerds help him with a massive cram session leading up to the exam... and he still gets an F because there's no way to make up that much studying in that short of time.
- Homers original plan for the exam was to "hide under some coats and hope everything somehow works itself out."
Homer tries to deliver An Aesop at the end of the episode. It doesn't go very well.
Homer: These nerds learned about the value of the world outside college.
Nerd: No we didn't.
Homer: Oh. And I learned that the true meaning of college is to study and work hard!
Lisa: No you didn't! You only passed your course by cheating which you always taught us was wrong!
Homer: Oh right.
The credits montage of Homer taking the session again.

85. - "Rosebud"

The opening scene shows guards outside Mr. Burns' mansion.
(The Wizard of Oz-esque guards goose-step in sync with one another while chanting)
Guards: All we own, we oo-wwe! All we own, we oo-wwe!
(Mr. Smithers pops his head out of the window, quietly and beratingly shushing the guards)
Guards: (whispering, on tiptoes) All we own, we oo-wwwe. All we own, we oo-wwwe!
Smithers envisions what he would want for his birthday.
Smithers: The preparations for your birthday have begun.
Mr. Burns: I won't get what I really want.
Smithers: No one does. (dreams about Mr. Burns bursting out of a cake wearing nothing but a sash singing "Happy birthday, Mr. Smithers...", moans)
The Ramones perform "Happy Birthday" for Mr. Burns.
Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, The Ramones. (applause)
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
Joey Ramone: 1-2-3-4! (punk rock music)
The Ramones: "Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday, Burnsie! Happy Birthday TO YOU!"
C.J. Ramone: Go to Hell, you old bastard! (Mr. Burns looks shocked; the curtain closes)
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.
Mr. Burns: Have The Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
During the flashbacks, Bobo winds up with Adolf Hitler in his bunker during the invasion of Berlin. "This is all your fault!"
How the Kwik-E-Mart gets ice: Instead of just freezing water in the freezer, Apu sends teams to the Arctic to dig ice up.
Explorer: You've gotta stop selling this stuff for a dollar a bag! We lost four more men on this expedition!
Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it!
(the explorers all turn to each other and shrug)
Bart gives the doll to Maggie. In a classic Failed Attempt at Drama, the camera zooms in on the doll to reveal something. As the accompanying musical sting swells, the camera focuses in on the doll's "100% Cotton" tag. Cue a Record Needle Scratch, and after awkwardly fumbling around, the camera finally settles on Bobo's nametag as the sting resumes.
Mr. Burns is trying to reclaim his long lost bear Bobo, which is now in Maggie's possession. Smithers and he use a zip-line from on top of the Flanders' roof to get inside the Simpsons' house.
Mr. Burns: Now remember, Smithers. We have to get in and out in exactly 60 seconds.
(climbs onto zip-line, kicks off....then gets stuck midway across. Transition to the next morning, and a rescue effort)
Marge: More cocoa, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
- At the start of the attempted heist, Flanders pops out of a hatch and, being his usual bright, good-natured self, asks if he can assist Burns and Smithers. Mr. Burns responds by gassing Flanders full in the face with an aerosol can full of knockout gas, to which Flanders woozily and incoherently mumbles before collapsing back into his house.
A second attempt to get the stuffed bear back involves Mr. Burns and Smithers climbing across the Simpsons' kitchen ceiling, at night, using suction cups. Homer walks in, oblivious to the two intruders, opens the fridge and pulls out a stack of processed cheese.
Homer: Mmmmm, 64 slices of American cheese. (he eats a slice of cheese) 63. (he eats another) 62.
(the scene transitions to morning; Homer is still sitting in the same place with a much smaller stack of cheese)
Homer: (sounding ill) 2. (he eats the last slice) 1.
(Marge walks in and sees Homer sat at the table; He now looks visibly ill)
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind!
(Mr. Burns and Smithers fall off the ceiling, get up)
Mr. Burns: Good day to you.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers walk away)
Mr. Burns and Smithers take away TV and then feel the need to provide original programming.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm home! (canned laughter)
Smithers: What, already? (canned chuckle)
Mr. Burns: Yes. (loud canned laughter)
Lisa: Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse?
Homer: It's about the same. Uh oh, look out, Smithers! (laughs) I love this show.
Mr. Burns finally makes a move, taking over every channel on TV one by one.
Mr. Burns: As you can see Simpson, I've taken over all seventy-five channels, and I won't return them, until you give in. What's that? You can live without television, so long as you have beer?
Homer: That's right!
Mr. Burns: Wrong! All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a problem with this... talk to Homer Simpson. (Mr. Burns begins laughing)
(someone rings the Simpsons' doorbell. Homer answers it to find an unhinged Barney holding a gun)
Barney: Homer... give him what he wants!
Homer: Look, Barney, leave me alone. (Homer slams the door in Barney's face; there's the sound of Barney falling over, the gun firing, a woman screaming and the sound of police sirens)
Barney: Uh-oh.
Bart faces the fallout for Homer's actions.
(Bart is surrounded by the bullies in the playground)
Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man! Let's get him!
Jimbo: Wait, why're we gettin' him?
Martin: Look fellas, the first snapdragon of the season.
Nelson: Never mind. Let's get him!
- Adding to this is the fact that Bart is in a crouching position through the whole scene, and never once moves.
Having sworn to make Homer's life a living hell, Homer is bothered at work. Just as he thinks it can't get much worse, he's subject to much worse punishment: Having to constantly push a wheel while whipped by an overseer.
Homer: After lunch, can I whip you?
Overseer: (cheerfully) Nope!
Homer: Aw, no fair!
(The overseer continues whipping Homer, as the camera pans up to see what the wheel is connected to: A little turnstile in the plant lounge covered in cakes. Lenny and Carl walk past)
Lenny: I wonder what makes it turn.
Carl: Who cares?
After Smithers wakes up Burns while he's muttering about Bobo, Burns claims that he meant Lobo. "They never should have cancelled that show." A minute later, cut to Homer, muttering in his sleep, "Lobo! Lobo! Bring back Sheriff Lobo!"
When Homer first visits Burns to negotiate over the bear:
Burns: Naturally I can't afford to pay you much of a reward, because I'm strapped for cash. (The ceiling above gives way and a heap of money and jewels fall around him, including a crown on his head.) As you can see, this old place is falling apart. But I'm sure we can come to an understanding.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Homer's Brain: Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer.
Burns: May I offer you a drink?
Homer: Sorry, Burns! No deal!
It is a blink-and-you'll-miss moment, but among the gifts received by Burn there's a unicorn ruminating.

86. - "Treehouse of Horror IV"^note

A. - The Devil and Homer Simpson

After the break room runs out of donuts, Homer looks in his hollowed out Emergency Procedures Manual, only to find a note reading, "Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut, signed Homer."
Homer: Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
The reveal of the Devil's true identity:
Homer: Flanders!? You're the Devil?!
Devil Flanders: Ho, ho! It is always the one you least suspect!
Homer tempts Devil Flanders by finding a loophole.
Devil Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish that donut I own your soul.
Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, right?
Devil Flanders: Well, technically no...
Homer: (singsong) I'm smarter than the de-vil! I'm smarter than the de-vil!
Devil Flanders: (morphs from Flanders into Chernabog) YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON! (he then shrinks and disappears)
Devil Flanders pausing in sending Homer to Hell when Bart walks in the room.
Devil Flanders: (completely casually) Hey, Bart.
Bart: (just as casually) Hey.
Homer's fat ass won't fit in the portal to Hell so Devil Ned has to force him in with a toilet plunger.
Lisa interjects to the Devil's attempt to take Homer to Hell:
Lisa: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
Devil Flanders: (exasperated) G'oh! You Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials"... This is always so much easier in Mexico!
Homer in Hell's Ironic Punishment Division
(Homer is strapped into a chair, as a demon looms over him; behind them is an entire wall of donuts)
Demon: So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer: Yuh-huh.
Demon: Well, have all the donuts in the world!
(a machine begins force-feeding Homer donuts two at a time; the scene fades to several hours later: the wall of donuts are gone, the machine is still force-feeding a bloated, but smiling Homer... and he's still going)
Homer: More!
Demon: (frustrated) I don't understand it! James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!
Flanders Jury of the Damned (presided over by The Grim Reaper); Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Blackbeard, Richard Nixon, John Dillinger, John Wilkes Booth, and most terrifying of all — the starting lineup of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!
Marge and the kids: (gasps in horror at the last one)
- Nixon protests his inclusion, since he's not dead yet (at the time the episode was made):
  Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! Uh, in fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook!
  Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you!
  Nixon: (resigned) Yes, master...
- Of course, the Jury has to use furniture in the Simpson household. Dillinger, Nixon and one of the Flyers are forced to share the coffee table and Blackbeard gets stuck with Maggie's high chair.
Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this was the last one.
Blackbeard: Arr, this chair be high, says I.
For Homer's trail, Lionel Hutz is once again the defending attorney:
Hutz: (combing himself with a fork) Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry! I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
Marge showing the jury her and Homers wedding photo...which was taken at the hospital.
Nixon: Wait, you got married in an emergency room?
Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding... (the jury laughs)
- Blackbeard thinks the text on the back of the photo is a treasure map.
  Benedict Arnold: You idiot, you can't read!
  Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'...
The ending when Devil Flanders turns Homer's head into a donut.
Marge: Homer, stop picking at it!
Donuthead Homer: Ohhh, but I'm so sweet and tasty. (sighs) Well, time to go to work.
Lisa: Dad, I wouldn't go out if I were you.
(cut to outside the Simpson house where the entire Springfield police force is waiting with coffee cups in hand)
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.

B. - Terror at 5½ Feet

Bart awakening from his nightmare about the bus crashing and killing him.
Bart: (touches his damp bedsheets) Ew, hope this is sweat...
When he comes down to breakfast, Bart is still a bit on edge, freaking out when a horn sounds behind him. Homer shows up and reveals that he just looted a boat at the marina, including a foghorn, which sounds just like the bus horn.
- Later, while Bart is fighting with the gremlin, Homer drives by and honks the horn again, completely oblivious to Bart's danger.
Martin is relieved that the other kids are mocking Bart for being spooked by his nightmare, because it distracts them from his "Wang Computers" shirt.
When Bart tries to warn Otto about the gremlin on the side of the bus, Otto looks and spots an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman and proceeds to ram him off the road. Moleman thankfully stops just a few millimeters from a tree. Then his car explodes for no reason (except maybe because Otto pushed him off the road).

C. - Bart Simpson's Dracula

In the opening, Bart narrates about a painting that was so terrifying they couldn't make a story out of it, so they just threw together something with vampires. And just what is that painting?
Homer: (screams) They're dogs... and they're playing poker! (runs off screaming and laughing in complete insanity)
At the start of the episode, Kent Brockman is reporting about the latest of several victims who have been found dead and drained of their blood with bite marks in their neck. This one also had a cape nearby with the name "Dracula" on it. "Police are baffled."
Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed.
- Lisa then tries to convince the family that it's a vampire. Homer assures her that vampires are make-believe, "just like elves, gremlins and eskimos."
Mr. Burns is a vampire and invites the Simpson family to his castle in Pennsylvania.
Mr. Burns: (over intercom) Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Mr. Burns: Oh, son of a bi--!
If you watch Mr. Burns' shadow while he's talking to the family, you can see it pull out a yo-yo for a single second.
Lisa: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Burns: I heard that!
Homer: It was the boy!
As Bart and Lisa search for evidence Burns is a vampire:
Bart: Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire, and even if he is, we're not gonna stumble across his secret hiding place. (Bart leans on a torch, making it move. A section of the wall slides back to reveal... a laundry room.)
Lisa: I guess you're right. Let's go ba- *gasp*
(We see what Lisa's seeing: A neon sign declaring "Secret Vampire Room - No garlic")
Just to ram the point home, Mr. Burns apparently has an autobiography labelled "Yes, I Am a Vampire", complete with a foreword by Steve Allen.
When Mr Burns catches Bart, he's already forgotten his name.
Burns: Well, if it isnt little...uh, boy!
Lisa runs back to tell her parents that Mr. Burns is a vampire and has captured Bart... just as said duo return, Burns with his fangs covered in blood and Bart looking very pale and sporting two puncture marks on his neck.
Bart: [monotone] Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. "Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.
The next night, Lisa is woken up by a sound outside her window. She opens it to reveal Bart, Milhouse, Martin, Ralph, and Janey, all as vampires.
Bart: Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies!
Immediately after the family confirm that Bart is a vampire, Grampa Abe shows up.
Abe: (runs into room with a stake) Quick! We have to kill the boy!
Marge: How'd you know he's a vampire?
Abe: He's a vampire?! AAAAAAH! (runs away)
Lisa's deadpan expression when Homer realize Bart is a vampire, after trying to convince the rest of the family.
In the shot of the family after Bart turns into a bat and flies away, Maggie is shown waving good-bye to Bart. A mix of funny and adorable.
Homer is told that he has to kill Mr. Burns in order for Bart to turn back to normal.
Homer: Kill my boss?! (thinking) Do I dare live out the American dream?
The sheer Schmuck Bait of the Super Fun Happy Slide ("I know I shouldn't... but when am I gonna be here again?"):
Homer: Super Fun Happy Slide!
Lisa: No, dad.
Homer: Aww... I guess killing him will be fun enough.
Homer tries to kill Mr. Burns and is unsuccessful.
Homer: Take that, vile fiend! (hammers the wooden stake through Mr. Burns)
Lisa: Dad? That's his crotch.
Homer: ...Oh, right. (pulls it out)
He drives a wooden stake through Mr. Burns' heart and he dies, only for him to come back to life and shout "You're fired!" before turning back to dust.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge reveals that she is the Head Vampire.
Lisa: Mom?!
Marge: Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
The family lunges towards Lisa, ready to strike - and then they all turn to the screen, saying "Happy Halloween, everybody!" in unison. Then they all start humming "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" as it starts snowing, with Milhouse playing a tiny piano and Santa's Little Helper dancing Snoopy style.

87. - "Marge on the Lam"

Homer's vision of ballet is of a bear wearing a fez hat while driving a small car in circles. Which as it turns out, is also Lenny's idea of ballet.
Ruth asks Marge to borrow their power sander. Homer first denies having one, before it's pointed out that he's resting his feet on it, while it's turned on and destroying the carpet. Homer then relents, saying, "Okay, but remember, it's mine." The sander is labelled, "Property of Ned Flanders."
At the end of the day, when Homer is about to go home and take Marge to the ballet as he promised her, he sees a vending machine and tries to pull a soda out of it, but gets his arm stuck in it. He tries to leave anyway, to honor his promise, but gets distracted by another vending machine, and gets his other arm stuck in it. Even then, he somehow manages to phone Marge, who unfortunately but obviously doesn't believe him.
- The fire department's "rescue" of Homer
  Paramedic: (holding a buzzsaw) Homer, this... this is never easy to say... I'm going to have to cut off your arms off.
  Homer: They'll grow back, right?
  Paramedic: (eyes dart nervously) Oh, Yeaaaah.
  Paramedic 2: (looking in machine with flashlight) Homer... are you just holding onto the can?
  Homer: Your point being?
  (cut to Homer walking away from the plant with laughter in the background, rubbing his arms and looking ashamed)
- And the pay-off, when Marge gets home:
  Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines, that's why I had the firemen write me a note.
  Marge: (reads note) "Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down."
  Homer: D'oh! Lumber has a million uses...
While talking with Ruth, Marge tries reassuring her about her failed marriage:
Marge: You were unlucky, but there are a lot of good men out there.
(Barney rushes up to the waiter next to them)
Barney: Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.
(Ruth shudders in horror)
As Homer sulks about Marge being away, Bart reassures him he's not emasculated.
Bart: Don't worry, you'll feel much better when we put your hair up in curlers and give you a make-over, Homina.
Homer: (in a falsetto) Why, that would be delightf— (snaps back to normal) Quiet, boy.
Homer and Bart's battle of wits when Homer tries to leave the kids at home alone:
Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.
Homer: Wait a minute... (Homer checks a card stating "Always do opposite of what Bart says.") You kids DO need a babysitter!
Bart: Blast that infernal card! (Bart gets an idea, and turns back to look at Homer) Don't give that card to me.
Homer: Here you g- (Homer catches on and snatches the card away) NO!
Marge notices smoke coming from her house's chimney. It turns out to be babysitter Lionel Hutz burning documents in the fireplace.
Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
Lionel: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
- Even funnier is the way Hutz says "Sanchez", with a slight hesitation, like he'd only just come up with the name that moment.
- And at the very end of the episode, he's changed his name again, to "Dr. Nguyen Van Hoch".
Homer's flashback to his and Marge dating: Homer smashing a weather-station with a club ("C'mon, Marge. It's fun to smash things!") before immediately turning around and telling Marge she has "real purdy hair".
As Homer sits down glumly on the replacement weather station, Wiggum emerges from the bushes behind him.
Wiggum: Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still. (he sees Homer.) Oh, Simpson! (he tosses the moonshine behind him, it immediately causes a massive fire).
Marge and Ruth out at Sh(o)tkickers get approached by two hicks, a la Thelma & Louise.
Hick: Hey, baby, feel like getting lucky?
Marge: I am lucky, I have a husband and three wonderful children, thanks very much.
Hick: (threateningly) Listen, baby, I always get what I want.
Marge: I said "no".
Hick: Oh, didya? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies. (the two hicks respectfully back off)
The entire chase scene starts because Wiggum wanted to pull Ruth over and tell her one of her taillights was smaller than the other.
Ruth managing to escape Chief Wiggum:
Ruth: I know how to lose them.
Marge: I don't think that's gonna be easy. I mean, these are profession lawmen and—
(Ruth turns off her back lights)
Wiggum: Oh my god, it just DISAPPEARED! It's a ghost car!
(Wiggum brings the police car to a screeching halt, throwing Homer into the front seat)
Wiggum: There are ghost cars all over these highways, y'know.
Homer: (timidly) Hold me.
Wiggum: Only if you hold me.
(The two huddle together in terror)
Bart and Lisa wake up and realize that neither of their parents are home yet. Lisa points out that Lionel Hutz is still there to care for them. Lisa tries to wake him up. Lionel jumps with a start, brandishing a knife, and yelling, "Don't touch my stuff!" When he realizes where he is, he sheepishly laughs, "Hey, this isn't the YMCA."
Kent reporting on the chase.
Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion, lest their behavior incite other women, leading to anarchy of Biblical proportions.
(Beat, as we see Bart and Lisa staring blankly at the TV)
Kent: IT'S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!! (a graphic stating "Please stand by" depicting Kent Brockman in a straitjacket with a cuckoo clock bird popping out of his head appears on the screen)
The epilogue reveals the fates of the major characters from the episode in the style of Dragnet. And, as an added genius bonus, the actual narrator from Dragnet, George Fenneman, provided the narration.
Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her husband's auto theft charges and ordered him to pay back all child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Foch, was paid 8 dollars for his 30 hours of babysitting. He was glad to get it. Marge Simpson was arrested under police code 18A; Wanton Destruction Of Precious Antique Cans. She was ordered to pay 50 cents to replace the cans, and 2000 dollars in punitive damages and mental anguish. Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Military Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Reed, Maryland for extensive testing.
Homer: WOOHOO!
How Lionel Hutz wound up babysitting Bart and Lisa in the first place.
Hutz: (Homer answers the door to find Hutz standing there) Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is one hundred and seventy-five dollars an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: Okay, two, and I get to keep this old bird-cage! (holds up a dilapidated bird-cage)
Homer: Done.
Hutz: Still got it!
Wiggum's attempt to call in his location, rivalling the Suspect Is Hatless incident above. "I'm, uh, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt... um, ah, geez, trees, shrubs... uh, I'm directly under the Earth's sun... now!"

88. - "Bart's Inner Child"

Homer reads the "Free Items" column in the newspaper and sees an advertisement for a free trampoline.
Homer: Oh my God!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: TRAMAMPOLINE! TRABOPOLINE! (he runs off)
Bart: He said what, now?
Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!
The "Free items" page is a treasure trove of Freeze-Frame Bonus; other entries include a free Fat Boy bomb, a free Vietnam era flamethrower (which takes regular unleaded gasoline), a Good 'n' Plenty collection dating back to 1963, a Good News Bible ("Ask for Ned"), 40 lb. of black jelly beans, a Lear Jet for only $36, itchy wool sweaters ("lots to choose from"), oars described as "good for paddlin'", oranges described as "good eatin'", and a grave digger's lantern.
Homer tries returning the trampoline to Krusty at one point.
Homer: So, I was thinking we could talk about...
Krusty: (pulls out a shotgun) You just keep right on drivin'.
He then tries dropping the trampoline off a cliff. It lands on a large rock, stretches, then bounces back up and hammers Homer into the ground.
Homer: If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now...
(The scene fades into a nighttime shot, with Homer still buried in the cliff. A wolf howls in the distance.)
Homer: I'm thirsty!
(No sooner than he says that, the cliff breaks off.)
How the trampoline is eventually disposed of:
Homer: (Brandishes a buzz saw.) Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline! (He powers it on, and screams as he charges towards it. Cut to the kitchen where we see the plug cord isn't long enough, causing Homer to fall backwards, the buzz saw flying out of his hand and wrapping itself around the trampoline. Cut back to the kitchen, and we see the plug socket literally get ripped out of the foundation, alongside a large chunk of the wall it was set into. Marge and Maggie look at it in confusion.)
Homer: (standing over the trampoline) Alright. Alright, you win for now... But someday you'll RUST! Rust, I tells ya! (he immediately starts laughing hysterically)
Bart: Dad? Dad! (Homer stops laughing) You really wanna get rid of this trampoline?
Homer: Yuh-huh.
Bart: Observe: A bike-lock.
(Bart ties the lock around one leg of the trampoline, then gets Homer to turn around)
Bart: Now, just turn around and count to three.
(He turns back to see Snake already trying to crack open the bike-lock.)
Bart: Uh, better make it five.
(They turn around again. There's a snapping noise.)
Snake: Alright, I got me a bed!
Jimbo and Kearney use Homer's car as a trampoline after Homer gets rid of the actual trampoline (either by leaving it in the desert ^note syndicated version or letting Snake steal it ^note).
There's a scene where Homer walks into the living room in a subtly-exaggerated fashion for no apparent reason, and greets his wife with "What up, Marge?"
In Troy McClure's video, Troy can't read the cue cards correctly.
Troy McClure: That's right, it's the Brad Goodman (squinting at cue-cards) something-or-other...
- Fridge Brilliance: We later learn in "A Fish Called Selma" that Troy McClure wears glasses and can't read anything without them.
- Not to mention he's got a can of fortified wine with him, which he's eagerly drinking.
Brad Goodman uses an exercise at the seminar he hosts in the Springfield Community Center.
Brad: Now, listen to your inner child. What's he saying?
(camera pans to Ned Flanders)
Ned's Inner Child: Stay the course, Big Ned! You're doing super!
(camera pans to Homer)
Homer's Inner Child: Food goes in here!
Homer: It sure does!
(camera pans to Moe Szyslak)
Moe's Inner Child: (with heavy Italian accent) 'Ey, Moe, wassa matta, huh? Why you no talk wit you accent no mo?
Moe: (clapping hands on face in astonishment) Mamma Mia!
Brad Goodman encourages the audience to yell out their problems:
Mayor Quimby: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship!
Burns: I'm too nice!
Apu: I have problems with-
Lenny: I'm always interrupting people!
Brad Goodman states that Bart is the inner child he's been talking about. The scene cuts to Lisa with a dark look.
Lisa: What?
- This dialogue:
  Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this...
  Bart: Rudiger.
  Brad: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger—
  Marge: His name is Bart.
  Brad: His name isn't important!
- He then ends the seminar by encouraging everyone to be like Bart, getting them to chant, "Be like the boy! Be like the boy!" Unfortunately, the seniors in the back chant, "We like Roy! We like Roy!"
This:
Bart: Lisa, today I am a god.
Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on your ice cream sandwich?
Bart starts to discover the down side to everyone acting like him when his classmates give snarky answers to Mrs. Krabappel's questions - and even she laughs at them:
Mrs. Krabappel: The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tell me what his first message was?^note "What hath God wrought?"
Bart: [raises his hand] Uh-
Milhouse: [raises his hand and affects a stereotypical Italian accent] I wanna change-a my name-a!
[the whole class, including Mrs. Krabappel but not Bart, laughs hysterically]
Mrs. Krabappel: Ah... good one, Milhouse. [Milhouse chuckles proudly] Anyone else? The first message by wireless.
Bart: It was-
Martin: [standing up, hand raised] Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp!
Bart: [once again, the only one not laughing] Ah, geez, everybody's a comedian.
[cut to later, as Bart walks down a road]
Bart: I'm blue. Time for some of my patented spitting off the overpass. [stops in his tracks; zoom in on his face] Aw, man...
[dozens of people are spitting off either side of the overpass; we hear cars honking and crashing in the background]
People start fighting with each other at the "Do What You Feel" festival. Reverend Lovejoy believes it's happening because they had made a false idol out of Brad Goodman. Apu tells him that's not true, and the people turn on Bart.
Apu: You must not blame yourself, Reverend. It was that little boy. He started it all.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: (talking about Bart) Get him!
Bart: Eeep! (he starts running and an angry mob of people chase him)
Groundskeeper Willie at the "Do What You Feel" festival:
Willie: (at the mayor's podium) As elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot o'ya, and burn your town to cinders!
Festival Employee: (whispers in Willie's ear) Sir, it's on.
Willie: I know it's on!
At the end, the Simpson family is watching McGarnagle, a show about a Cowboy Cop.
(the exterior shot of the house is seen with just the voices heard)
Chief: You're off the case McGarnagle!
McGarnagle: You're off your case chief!
Chief: What does that mean exactly?
Homer: (yelling) IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!!
Lisa: Dad, sit down.
Homer: Sorry.

89. - "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"

Marge leaves to go to the grocery store and tells Homer.
Marge: Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Money's too tight for steak.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: (lying) Sure, steak.
Homer loses the last peanut he was going to eat. Thinking it fell under the couch, he looks for it and pulls out a $20 bill.
Homer: (moans) Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
(he turns around and slips on the peanut he was looking for, causing him to fall down. The $20 bill floats away outside the open window into the wind and Homer screams because he lost it)
Homer unknowingly passes by Bart and Milhouse who are covered in bubble gum.
Homer: Mmm... free goo.
The all-syrup super squishee.
Bart: (after taking a slurp of the super squishee) Woah, that's good squishee. (Begins to experience a colossal sugar high, to the point where he starts seeing triple) Buhhhhh...
Milhouse: (splitting into three) What's it like, Bart? ...Bart? ...Bart?
Bart: ADEBVLELEBLBELEBLEBLDEVLBE.
Milhouse: Gimme that! (takes a slurp, experiences the high) Ughhh... Wuh-wuh-wuuuh!
Bart: Okay, we're young, rich, and full of sugar. Whadda we do?
Milhouse: Let's go crazy, BROADWAY-STYLE! (cue musical number)
After the Disney Acid Sequence of a musical number, Barney Gumble (wearing a sailor suit) wakes up groaning in a pile of burlap sacks filled with baklava on a Greek ship in the middle of an ocean.
Barney: (realizing where he is) Uh-oh! Not again!
Homer is sitting on the couch. Bart points out a camping-related error in an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.
Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.
(a second Homer walks past the window)
Bart reads a book on pocket knife safety.
Bart: "Don't do what Donny Don't does." (sigh) They could have made this clearer.
Bart walks into the living room wearing his Junior Camper uniform. Homer proceeds to poke fun at him.
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And make crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? (the chair he is sitting in collapses) D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart versus Homer in a battle of wits:
Bart: Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him and he'll say no. Then it'll be his fault.
Homer: I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes.
Homer's Brain: Wait, are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip!
(Bart and Homer march out onto the landing and square off)
Bart: (through clenched teeth) Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me!
Homer: (also through clenched teeth) Bart, I'd be delighted to go on this trip with you!
(Homer and Bart both realize what Homer just said)
Bart and Homer: D'oh!
Hans Moleman's knife.
Moe: (wielding a knife) When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it!
Moleman: You call that a knife? (pulls a massive blade out of his cane) This is a knife! (Moleman starts to stumble from the knife's weight) Woah! Woah! Down I go.
As their stranding at sea continues, Homer loses hope, while Ned tries to stay optimistic:
Homer: (exhausted) What does it matter?! We're doomed!
(a seagull files by the boat)
Ned: Wrong! We're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die.
(the seagull emits a meek death-rattle and plummets into the sea)
Homer: (lifts his arms in triumph) Woo-hoo! (to Bart) See that, boy?! Your old man was right! Not Flanders! We are doomed! (to Ned) In your face, Flanders!
Near the end, Homer tries to give Bart a Swiss Army knife, only for it to accidentally pop their raft. Homer's Oh, Crap! face is great, but what's better is Bart's dry reaction.
Bart: Dad, don't take this wrong, but your expression doesn't fill me with confidence.

90. - "The Last Temptation of Homer"

The episode begins with Bart painting parking spaces on the school parking lot. Why?
Bart: (to Milhouse) The beauty of it is each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game...
Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away!
(The teachers pull up, and immediately find there's a problem)
Skinner: (to Mrs. Krabappel) Blast it, woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mamma!
Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this!
- One of the teachers screamed that he can't breathe.
Homer, Lenny and Carl complaining about the stuff they won't be able to do with a female coworker.
Lenny: Oh, if they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor.
Carl: And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot.
Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain. (Beat, as Lenny and Carl have squicked out reactions) I mean, not... you know, if we wanted to, not that I ever... did.
Homer and Mindy are stuck in the elevator together. Homer tries his hardest to Think Unsexy Thoughts (which includes his sisters-in-law shaving their legs together in the bathroom and picturing Barney Gumble in a jumbo thong bikini drunkenly humming the I Dream of Jeannie theme). He fails at that (as he immediately pictures Mindy in a bikini blowing a kiss) and just forces open the elevator and jumps out, while it's somehow halfway up the cooling tower and had been going down.
Homer tries to talk about his problem to Moe without using his own name.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey...Joe Joe...Junior...Shabadoo?
(a random man in Moe's Tavern looks up with interest)
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(the man runs out crying)
Barney: Hey! Joey Joe Joe!
- Homer caves and admits he's talking about his own attraction to Mindy. Barney offers some astoundingly insightful advice, which Homer points out.
  Homer: Barney, that was so insightful... how'd you come up with that?
  Barney: It was on one of these bar napkins. (holds up a napkin with exactly what he just said written on it)
Homer, Carl, Lenny, and the factory worker Charlie fall unconscious in a trapped room of toxic gases and somehow get out alive.
Charlie: I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a ''real'' emergency exit.
Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea! What else? Perhaps you'd like real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes maybe? (tone turns harsh) Smithers, throw [this notebook] at him!
- Once Smithers does so, Burns has a tube suck Charlie away.
  Burns: Smithers... where does that tube go?
  Smithers: I'm not sure sir, it was here when we moved in.
  (cut to a generically "middle eastern country. Charlie is deposited among a room of men in turbans)
  Men: DANCE! DANCE! (Charlie does so, badly. The men start cheering)
When Homer tries to take his mind off Mindy by watching TV.
Kent Brockman: Tonight, "Eye On Springfield" takes a look at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush, and Clinton. Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next when we play "Hail to the Cheat."
(Homer changes channels to a nature documentary)
Narrator: The Burmese Melon Fly has over a thousand sex partners, and suffers virtually no guilt-
(Homer changes channels to a bunch of scantily clad women working out on weight machines)
Woman: (seductively) Just do it!
Homer: AHHHH!!!! (runs out)
Woman: Examine your scalp for ringworm.
Homer is greeted by his guardian angel, who takes A Form You Are Comfortable With. Unfortunately, Homer doesn't recognise his preferred choice.
Newton: Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you'd recognize and revere: Sir Isaac Newton.
Homer: Sir Isa-who-who?
Newton: (sighs) Oh, very well (transforms)
Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you get my letters?
Klink: I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form.
Homer: Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
Klink: Hooooo-MERRRR!
Homer's guardian angel (tries) to show him the miserable life he'd live if he lived with Mindy: They live in a giant mansion with no children around, and play tennis.
Mindy: (with upper-class accent) I'm so happy, darling.
Homer: (with similar accent) I as well. Are you happy, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Yes, sir. Quite.
Homer: Then we're all happy!
Klink: Let's get out of here!
(The two fly away)
Klink: Sure, life is good for you... but what about Marge?
(The two look down at something)
Homer: Marge lives here?
(The camera pulls back to reveal the White House)
Aide: Madam President, your approval rating is soaring!
Marge: Hrrm.
Klink: This dream is ov-er.
- And the kicker, once it ends and Homer's sent back to his body: Lionel Hutz walks up to the knocked-over phone booth Homer's trapped in, and yells at him to get out of his office.
Homer calls out to his guardian angel as the situation he is in gets worse.
Homer: Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced. COLONEL KLINK, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!
Klink: (appearing) What is it? Do you have a question?
Homer: Heh-heh, did you know Kinchloe had a radio in the coffee pot?
Klink: He did? (disappears in a huff)
Homer singing about Mindy to the tune of Mandy. "Oh Mindy. You came and you gave without flaking. But I sent you Bengay, oh Andy. You kissed me and stopped me from something. And I-"
- Then Lisa interrupts, not accepting his excuse that he has "a small role in a Broadway musical." She’s not alone - after stating that, Homer’s brain sarcastically says “Bravo”, followed by Sarcastic Clapping.
  Lisa: According to your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy. Or a man named Andy.
  Homer: Lisa! Look behind you!
  Lisa: Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that.
  Homer: No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around now before it's too late!
  Lisa: Huh?
  Homer: (running away) Sucker!
At Madam Chao's, Homer reads a fortune cookie telling him he'll find happiness with a new love. "Oh, even the Chinese are against me." Cut to the restaurant kitchen, where someone notices they're out of the "new love" cookies. He's told to open the "Stick with your wife" barrel.
While in the hotel, Homer still struggles with temptation:
Mindy: Homer, I've got a wicked idea which could get us into a lot of trouble.
Homer: Ooooh, Mindy. We have to fight our temptation!
Mindy: (seductively) No, Homer, let's do it... (suddenly grabs the phone) LET'S CALL ROOM SERVICE!
Homer: Oh.
Which, it turns out, Burns is prepared for. ... sort of.
Smither: Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, we'll just see about that!
(Burns walks over to a cage covered in a cloth, which has winged monkeys in it. He opens the cage)
Mr. Burns: Fly, my monkeys! Fly!
(the monkeys charge out of the window... and then naturally fall to the ground several stories below)
Mr. Burns: Continue the research.
The "Bart becomes a nerd" subplot has quite a few moments:
- The scene in which Bart first becomes a nerd culminates in Bart receiving a throat spray that (temporarily) changes his voice.
  Bart: [in a Jerry Lewis voice] Oy, thanks nice LAY-dee, my voys iz KRAY-zee vid da spraying, alreddi. Oy! I veel zo mech BEH-tir Mister Medikkal SY-ens-Type-Poy-sun!
- Bart sits down in class, sees his reflection in Milhouse's glasses and exclaims, "I'm a nerd!" Milhouse looks back, sees his reflection in Bart's glasses, and exclaims, "So am I!". Apparently Milhouse had never seen his own reflection until that precise moment.
- Bart accidentally runs into a stack of books, and ends up with an "Advanced Calculus" book on his head:
  Jimbo: Hey! He's learning on his own!
  Kearney: Get him!
  (the bullies beat up Bart)
- The random, but still very funny, shot of the country bumpkin staring at Bart.
"Yer goofy-lookin'! Hee-hee-hyuck-hyuck-hyuck!"
- Once Bart can get rid of his prescription glasses and orthopedic shoes, he throws the shoes out the window, breaking the Flanders' window.
  Ned: Did someone pray for giant shoes?
  Rod: I did!
  Ned: Okilly-dokilly!
- Bart appears before the bullies, no longer looking like a nerd.
  Nelson: Let's get— Huh?
  (smiling smugly, Bart walks up to the bullies)
  Bart: Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me, and you would be beating one of your own.
  (beat)
  Nelson: (shrugs) Whatever.
  (the bullies beat up Bart again)

91. - "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"

Homer putting on a pair of glasses (after fishing them out of the toilet) and thinking he became smart.
Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Man: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'OH!
- Cut to Mr. Burns' office, where Dr Henry Kissinger is being shown around. Smithers tells him he hopes his glasses turn up, and Kissinger claims that he probably left them in his car. He then thinks, "No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords."
- Homer brings the glasses home.
  Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you.
  Homer: (looks at a distorted Bart) Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
- After Lisa takes them away, the news comes on, announcing that Dr. Henry Kissinger was hospitalized after walking into a wall.
Mr. Burns remembers a childhood memory when he repeatedly rammed an Irish worker with a bumper car, causing him to start laughing continuously over several hours (even while he's asleep).
Mr. Burns: (finally stops laughing) Ah... What was I laughing at now? (pause) Oh yes! That crippled Irishman! (bursts out laughing again)
Homer telling the family that he got a job at Burns' casino.
Homer: As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer!
Marge: Your "lifelong dream" was to be a contestant on The Gong Show—and you did, in 1977, remember?
(footage from The Gong Show shows Homer and Barney in a giant pair of overalls playing an equally giant harmonica and dancing. They are getting booed, loudly, while one of the panelists violently and repeatedly rings the gong)
Homer: (nostalgically) We got more gongs than the breakdancing robot that caught on fire...
A Deleted Scene involves Homer dealing a game of blackjack between James Bond and Ernst Blofeld.
Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. (Homer gives him a card) Joker? You were supposed to take those out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry. (he deals another card)
Bond: What's this? "Rules for draw and stud poker"?
Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond. (Jaws and Oddjob grab Bond)
Bond: What? But, I don't lose! I never lose! It's Homer's fault! (Bond starts getting dragged away) At least tell me your plans for world domination.
Blofeld: (laughs) I'm not falling for that one again.
Homer attempts to make his own breakfast by combining a full bottle of cloves, a similarly full bottle of Tom Collins mix, and a frozen pie crust. The expression on his face as he tastes it is unforgettable.
Homer: (in a VERY deadpan tone after one bite of his breakfast) Let's go get mom...
The boogeyman sequence — which became a meme in 2019.
Homer: (kicks down Bart's door) Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeyMEN in the house!
Bart: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Krusty's failed stand-up at the casino, after beginning with a flat attempt at doing a routine on Herpes.
Krusty: (as the audience, which has barely anyone there, don't laugh) You people are the worst audience I've ever seen.
Man in Audience: Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen!
Krusty: Then I guess we'll just sit in silence for the next ninety minutes!
Man in Audience: Fine with us!
Homer sums up the situation to Lisa (who just described herself as a "monster" thanks to her Florida costume).
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
The entire subplot of Mr. Burns going Howard Hughes-crazy. Right when he seems to have shaken it off and resolved to return to the plant, Mr. Burns points a gun at Smithers as he forces him to get inside a small model airplane called the "Spruce Moose".
Mr. Burns: I said hop in......
- Made funnier by the fact that's their last scene in the episode.
Burns imagining the germs on Smithers' face chanting "Freemasons run the country!"
Homer breaks Marge's gambling machine.
Homer: (loud angrish)
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!
Homer: (The same, but slower and with better enunciation)
Marge: Think before you say each word.
- The rest of the dialogue manages to be both a Tear Jerker and one of these:
  Homer: You broke a promise to your child.
  Marge: What?
  Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little trooper.
Principal Skinner announces the costume contest results.
Seymour: And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.
Ralph: I'm Idaho!
Seymour: Yes, of course you are.
When Marge comes home in the middle of the night and apologizes for being out so late, Homer says it's like a heartwarming moment in a sitcom. He then trips over the ottoman.
Milhouse's disastrous attempt to perform a magic trick using two cats. Not only do both cats maul him in full view of his audience, but they applaud at the spectacle.
The Shout-Out to Rain Man comes complete with a Tom Cruise lookalike. He doesn't say or do anything, he just sits in the background flashing his trademark winning smile.
Abe brushes off a bum asking for spare change saying that "Everybody wants something for nothing!" — and then immediately walks into the Social Security Office exclaiming "I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

92. - "Homer the Vigilante"

The family wakes up and discovers that they have been burglarized.
Bart: Dad! We've been robbed!
Lisa: (shouting rapidly) Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Bart: And our portable TV!
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: And my necklace!
Homer: (nonchalantly) Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge: Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom.
Homer: Oh, you probably got a whole drawer full of 'em.
Marge: (pulls a necklace from a huge wad of red pearl necklaces) Well, yes I do, but they're all heirlooms, too.
Bart: Burglar even took my stamp collection!
Lisa: (in a mocking tone) You had a stamp collection?
Homer, Marge, and Lisa: Ha ha ha ha ha! (the phone rings, Bart picks it up)
Nelson: Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
Kent Brockman reporting on the crime wave in his usual fashion:
Kent: So, professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Mm, yes I would, Kent.
Wiggum fails to find a pattern in the burglaries until he moves a few pins around and it almost looks like an arrow. When Lou points out that it's pointing right at the police station, they all run in fear.
When Lisa asks if they have insurance:
Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance?
Homer: (to a jar nearby) Curse you magic beans!
Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
Ned Flanders suggests forming a neighbour hood watch:
Flanders: Now, who should lead the group?
Man: You!
Mob: YAAAAAY! Flanders! Flanders! Flanders!
Flanders: I don't really have very much experience, but I'll be happy to -
Moe: SOMEONE ELSE!
Mob: YAAAAAY! Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!
Homer: I'm someone else!
Lenny: He's right!
Homer and his love for hoedowns.
When Grampa wants to join the neighborhood watch, Homer turns him down:
Homer: Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. (tickles Abe, who laughs) Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes they are! Yes they are! Tee hee—
Abe: Stop it! That's a form of abuse.
Homer's group decides to arm themselves, and then Marge comes in.
Marge: I don't think the guns are a good idea.
Homer: Marge! We're responsible adults—
BANG
Moe: Whoops!
Homer: And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way...
BANG
Sea Captain: Sorry.
BANG
Skinner: Uh oh.
BANG
Moe: Me again.
BANG
Bart: Sorry!
Homer giving out the group's codenames. "I'll be Cueball, Skinner, you can be Eight Ball, Barney can be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you can be Cueball." Moe bluntly replies, "You're an idiot."
Homer attempts to use a megaphone designed for rappers.
Homer: (through Rapmaster 2000) Move along there. (drives off)
Kid on street: (gasps) It's Hammer!
Homer and members of the Vigilante (Moe, Apu, Principal Skinner, & Barney) are patrolling the street they're walking on and see a street musician who's playing a saxophone.
Homer: Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone?
Musician: (pause) Sears.
Homer: GET HIM! (they proceed in chasing the guy)
Homer and his vigilantes kick a man's burning leaf pile.
Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
Man: I got one.
Homer: (as the group members and him run away) TOO LATE!
The vigilante group encounters Jimbo Jones using purple spray paint to write "CARPE DIEM" on a wall.
Homer: (holding a tire iron in his hand) You better have a good reason for doing that, boy.
Jimbo: It makes me feel like a big man.
Homer: Let me check my reason list. (checks it) Yep, it's on here.
Jimbo: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo: Can I?!
Homer: You're in. Here's the sack.
Moe: But you gotta supply your own knobs.
At the dinner table, Homer tells Lisa what the Vigilante is doing.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas: Literacy programs. Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination.
Lisa: (beratingly) World domination?
Homer: (chuckling nervously) Eh, that might be a typo. (thinking) Mental note: the girl knows too much.
Lisa calls Homer out on abusing his power like all vigilantes.
Lisa: If you're the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I 'unno. Coast Guard?
As Homer's trying to guard the world's largest cubic zirconia, Abe, Jasper and Molloy appear.
Abe: Son, we wanna help you catch that pug-ugly yeg.
Homer: (gently) Dad, the best thing for you to do is to set a good example. (snaps back to normal) Just stand around and don't steal anything. (they walk off. Seconds later, Homer sees something.) HEY!
(We see what he sees: Abe and Jasper stealing an exhibit)
Abe: We're on our break!
When Grampa spills the beans on who the Cat Burglar is, it turns out to be Malloy, an old man like himself. This leads Grampa to gloat:
Abe: So you see? Old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of ya. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! (laughs)
Moe: Shut up.
Abe: (sheepish) I've had my moment.
Chief Wiggum tries, for once, to be a competent cop, when the people of Springfield want to let Molloy go.
Chief Wiggum: Gee, I hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mister Molloy here broke the law, and when you break the law, you gotta go to jail!
Mayor Quimby: Uh, that reminds me, (holds up a brown envelope) here's your monthly kickback.
Wiggum: You just - you couldn't have picked a worse time.
After Molloy just offhandedly mentions all the money he has, along with where it's buried, Homer and the cops catch on.
Homer: (casually) No kidding...
Wiggum: Big T, eh?
(Homer, Wiggum, and the cops start backing towards the door, eyeing one another carefully)
Homer: Well, I guess I'll be going home now, to sleep.
Wiggum: Yes. Me too. I will also go home. For sleep.
(beat, then the four of them rush at the door)
The Brick Joke with Kent, noticing everyone madly looking for Molloy's treasure:
Kent: Hordes of panicky people are leaving town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mm, yes I would, Kent.
At the very end of the episode, everyone's dug themselves into a massive hole looking for Molloy's loot (having not realised it was a distraction).
Otto: How're we gonna get out of here?
Homer: We'll dig our way out!
(They start digging)
Wiggum: No, no, dig up, stupid!

93. - "Bart Gets Famous"

Bart taunts Lisa about how his class gets to go on a field trip, and she doesn't. Lisa doesn't mind.
Lisa: You're right, Bart. School is for losers.
(dissolve to a fantasy of an adult Lisa in an elaborate fancy house, sitting at a typewriter)
Adult Lisa: And that's how I ended war, cured world hunger, and reunited all the cast members of TV's Facts of Life, including long-time hold out Tootie.
Adult Bart: Ugh, sounds like another Pulitzer for me to polish.
(pan out to reveal a slovenly adult Bart is working as Lisa's janitor, polishing her many awards)
Adult Lisa: Hush, Field Trip Boy!
(she kicks Bart, impaling and instantly killing him on one of her awards)
Auldt Lisa: (apathetic) Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize. How ironic.
(cut back to reality, where Bart is snapping his fingers to get Lisa's attention)
Bart: Hey, Lisa. Come back, come back!
Lisa: Why? I'm so much happier here...
Homer answers the phone at work, having run from the showers (much like Marge just did at home).
Homer: You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Homer is informed Bart went missing from the box factory field trip (he ran away to the TV studio next door):
Homer: (grabbing Principal Skinner) Whaddaya mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! (he notices Bart's hat on a box in the assembly line) Oh, my God: that's his lucky red hat! He's a box! (falls to his knees) My boy's a box! (shaking his fist at the sky) DAMN YOU! A BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!
Bart versus the security at Krustylu Studios.
(Bart walks up to the gate at Krustylu Studios. As he does, a security guard blocks his path)
Security Guard: Ah, ah, ah. Do you work here, little boy?
Bart: Yeah.
Security Guard: (salutes) Well, then, go right in, sir!
Bart steals a Danish from Kent Brockman and gives it to Krusty (who also wants one).
Krusty: Oh, great. Now where am I gonna get a Danish?
Bart: Here's a Danish, Krusty.
Krusty: (excited) Gimme, gimme, gimme. (chews) Now that's Danish. Where'd you get it?
Bart: I stole it from Kent Brockman.
Krusty: Great. (stops chewing) He didn't touch it, did he?
Bart: No.
Krusty: (resumes chewing) Good job, kid. What's your name?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail... I reunited you with your estranged father... I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special?
Krusty: Yeah, well What Have You Done for Me Lately??
Bart: I got you that Danish.
Krusty: And I'll never forget it.
A flashback of Homer as a teenager shows him performing "Tighten Up" by Archie Bell and the Drells as part of a one-man band. He ends up getting attacked by an Italian organ grinder's monkey.
Bart tries to show Nelson, Lewis, Milhouse and Martin his name in the credits for Krusty's TV show. Thanks to a Credits Pushback, it's basically unreadable:
Milhouse: Looks more like Brad Storch.
Martin: No. It says Betty. Betty Symington.
Nelson: (punches Bart in the stomach) That's for taking credit for other people's work!
Bill & Marty on the radio after Bart's disastrous performance:
"And that was "Kung Fu Fighting". Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid?" "Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh." (cue wacky, recycled stock sound effects)
In one Deleted Scene, Bart is opening Krusty's mail and reads one letter:
Bart: (reading) Dear Krusty, I am an American farmer. My mule is sick. Please send me $100. Signed, Homer Simpson.

94. - "Homer and Apu"

The episode begins with Apu overcharging customers for products ($4.20 for $2 of gas). Angry, the customers storm out, one stopping to try and destroy a twinkie. He has no luck, and resorts to just throwing it on the ground, prompting Apu to yell after him.
Apu: Silly customer! You cannot hurt a twinkie! (the twinkie springs back into shape)
Homer confronts Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart after eating some rotten expired ham.
Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
Apu: Oh, I'm so sorry. Please accept 5 pounds of frozen shrimp. (lifts up a bucket and places it on the counter)
Homer: (picks up a shrimp and sniffs) This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny!
Apu: [lifts up a second bucket] Okay, 10 pounds.
Homer: Woo-hoo! (cut to an ambulance, again)
After losing his job for selling tainted meat, Apu declares that he doesn't want to live anymore. How does he decide to take his life? By eating one of his hotdogs. The man sent to tell him of his termination apparently took this very seriously, as he had to physically restrain Apu to keep him from eating the hotdog.
Apu approaches Homer with his arms out as if to strangle him, which he then explains is, in his village, a traditional pose of apology. "You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly."
- Then, after he explains that he wants to square himself with Homer.
  Homer: You're...selling what now?
  Apu: I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
  Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! (slams the door)
  Apu: He's got me there.
Homer finds out Apu is hanging around the house still wanting forgiveness.
Homer: Is he still out there?
Marge: Yes, he's raking the yard.
Homer: What?! That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood-chopping...!
Homer compares Lisa's shenai playing to an album that Grampa released. (Which, sadly, we don't get more information on, not even in later episodes.)
While staying with the Simpsons, Apu cooks for them.
Homer: All this food is really getting the cholesterol out of the old heart.
(Zoom in to Homer's stomach. A portion of the cooking dislodges some cholesterol, which moves up to Homer's brain, short-circuiting it. Zoom back out to Homer staring numbly)
Homer: Mmm. Apu me friend good.
James Woods curses a blue streak as he's scraping caked cheese off the microwave walls and arguing with his agent on the phone.
James Woods: T-Tony, you're, you're my agent, you have to do something about this. (sighs) How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a tightly-wound convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter? (listens) Ah-hah. Ah-hah. Mm-hm. Hmm. ...Well, actually that's...that's a pretty good explanation. Now this gross, this'd be gross points, right, in this new — okay. Yeah, cause those monkey p-...yeah. Okay, good. Book me a flight, rent me the igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E Mart that, boom, I am outta here, I am a dot, I'm gone, okay? (sticks his head in the microwave and chisels at the hardened cheese inside) Whaddya mean I gotta give two weeks' notice, what, this damn freakin' no-good mother- *BLEEEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* CHEESE! —No, not you, I was just talkin' to my oven.
Woods trying to get feedback on his being a Kwik-E-Mart guy from Jimbo.
Jimbo: Actually, I thought it was a little labored. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.
Woods then tries again, even as Jimbo's walking off.
Woods: Hey, hey-hey-hey-hey, HEY! Get over here! (Jimbo does so) Now, let's try this again. You're you and I'm me.
Jimbo: I'm... me?
Woods: (threatening) Hey. Don't jerk me around, fella.
On finding the first ever Kwik-E-Mart, Apu is given three questions. Unfortunately, Homer blows them...
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Approach, my son. You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because all I need is one. How do I—
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Yes.
Homer: Really?
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Yes.
Homer: You?
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
Apu: But I must—
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Thank you, come again.
Apu: But—
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Thank you, come again.
(cut to Homer and a dejected Apu walking back down the mountain path)
Homer: Well, that was a bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
(a furious Apu snarls, and advances on Homer)
Homer: No need to apologise, Apu. It was as much my fault as it was yours.
(Apu leaps on Homer, and begins strangling him)
Homer: (as he's being strangled) Okay... Apu... I accept your apology.

95. - "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Homer discovers a giant keyboard in the toy store, and proceeds to break it by dancing on it and performing a Hollywood Tone-Deaf version of "Rock Around the Clock".
While the family is driving to the mall, Grampa annoys them all with a Rambling Old Man Monologue.
Grampa: Anyway, about my washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, "Injun eyes", and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball."
Grampa rants about different things on the car ride home from the mall.
Grampa: Why didn't you buy something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Eww, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh, look at that one! (Homer parks the car and the other family members quickly pile out) Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The President is a Demmycrat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seatbelt! HELLO! (honks car horn, despite being strapped in the backseat)
Lisa is outraged by Bart's comments about the doll's phrases and goes on a breathless rant, with Bart just staring at her in confusion.
Lisa: It's not funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act — that they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and land a rich husband! (fumes with rage)
(beat)
Bart: Just what I was gonna say.
Lisa: (growls with rage, then throws the doll out the window)
- Cut to the b-plot, where Abe is riding a bike in the street in an attempt to be young and carefree. The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bike, sending him screaming into an open grave (with two grave diggers having lunch and not doing anything about the old man who just fell in the hole).
  Abe: Hey... this ain't so bad...
This bit, when Lisa's ranting about the doll to her family over dinner:
Lisa: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
(Homer, Bart, and Marge continue eating normally)
Marge: Lisa... ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade! (he holds up a newspaper declaring "Local Gays Show Their Pride", where the main picture is Bart's face)
Homer: (sarcastically) And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria!
This classic bit, when Lisa is on a tour of the Malibu Stacy factory:
Tour Guide: Welcome to Enchantment Lane, where all the parts come together and Malibu Stacy is born! Some folks say there's a little touch of fairy dust in the air!
(Cut to a scene with a thuggish, hunchbacked minion on the assembly line, putting together Malibu Stacy dolls. The assembly line stops when the chute spewing the doll parts gets jammed.)
Assembly Line Minion: (grumbling) Aw, crap. There's a clog in the torso chute! Leroy! Get your ass in gear!
(Another equally world-weary line worker appears to dislodge the clog with a broom.)
Minion 2: Shut your hole!
At the end of the tour of the Malibu Stacy factory:
Tour Guide: If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer!
Lisa: I have one.
Tour Guide: Yes?
Lisa: Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake?
Tour Guide: (giggling) Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns.
Corporate Executive: (wolf whistling from the next room) Hey, Jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here.
Tour Guide: Oh, you. Get away! (still giggling)
Corporate Executive: Ah, don't act like you don't like it.
(the Tour Guide enters the boardroom, slamming the door with her ample rear as she does so)
Lisa and Abe sitting at the kitchen table:
Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: (walks in) I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me — no matter how dumb my suggestions are. (Opens a cupboard, pulls out a can labelled "Nuts and Gum: Together at last!", starts chomping and exits.)
Lisa: Well I'm not going to accomplish anything just sitting here—
Abe: —and griping. It's time for—
Lisa: — action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy, and see if I can get her to—
Abe: —come out of retirement. I'm gonna get me a job — a real Malibu ...and see if Stacy...can help...invent...me...young...Help!
Lisa: You're getting a job.
Abe: Yes! I'm going where the action is.
- Cut to Abe, working at a local Krusty Burger.
  Abe: (wearing a headset and twiddling knobs on a control panel) Come in, come in...Mayday! I'm losing your transmission...
  (a man is in his car outside, at the Krusty Burger drive-thru. A line-up of cars is behind him)
  Man: (yells) I said "FRENCH FRIES!
  Abe: (surprised and uncertainly) What the...? Do we sell...French...fries?
Smithers turns on his computer to find some information about Stacy LaVelle for Lisa. A pixeled image of Mr. Burns (who is implied to be naked) shows up on the computer monitor.
Mr. Burns Image: Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
Smithers: Uhmmm, you probably should ignore that...
Lisa enters Stacy LaVelle's mansion. A teenager comes rushing behind her, exclaiming, "All right! I've been waiting nine years to get my Frisbee back!" and retrieves his Frisbee. Before the show cuts to commercial, we see the Frisbee fly back into Stacy's yard and the boy groans in exasperation.
In order to combat Lisa, the company behind Malibu Stacy call in a favor from Washington.
Senator: (on phone) Yes? I understand. I'll take care of it personally.
(The Simpsons' house, at night. The Senator's limo drives past, and he throws a brick at the door, chuckling evilly before driving off]]
Lisa: Dad, did you hear something?
Homer: I'unno.
"We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise out in the sun."
Grampa Abe decides to quit his job at Krusty Burger when he realizes the senior citizens are right to make complaints.
Abe: And one more thing! I never once washed my hands! That's your policy, not mine!
- Even better, the Squeaky Voiced Teen looks utterly appalled at this.
- The elderly diners lift Abe in victory — then promptly collapse because of their frailty.
At the very end of their rope, the Malibu Stacy designers come up with a last minute solution: They give Stacy a new hat. Lisa's attempts to make the girls of Springfield see reason fail.
Lisa: WAIT! Don't be fooled! She's still the same old Malibu Stacy with a stupid cheap hat! She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before!
(beat, as the girls (and Smithers) stare blankly)
Smithers: ...But she's got a new hat!
One of Lisa's friends ended up getting a defective Malibu Stacy doll, causing it to speak in a deep male voice "My Spidey Sense is tingling! Anybody call for a webslinger?"

96. - "Deep Space Homer"

Just as NASA decide they need to find a blue collared slob, they discuss how to find one:
Dr. Babcock: I suggest a lengthy, inefficient search, at the taxpayers expense of course.
Director: I wish there were an easier way...
(the conference room phone rings)
Homer: Hey, is this NASA?
Director: Yes?
Homer: Good! I may be just a blue collared slob, but I know what I likes on TV, and I'm sick of your boring space launches.
Director: How did you get this number?
Homer: SHUT UP! And another thing, how come I can't get no Tang 'round here? And another thing... hold on a sec. (he leaves to flush a toilet. The NASA personnel look at one another in triumph.)
Director: Gentlemen, our long search is over!
- The scene then cuts to Moe's, where Homer is now bothering Bill Clinton about getting Tang.
  Homer: Hey, is this President Clinton? I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. (pause, as Clinton presumably asks him how he phoned him) SHUT UP!
Homer becomes distraught at the NASA press conference.
Homer: The only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes. (Beat) Wait a minute...Statue of Liberty? THAT WAS OUR PLANET!!! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (starts sobbing)
- "And no more questions about whether this is a joke!" All of the journalists' Hands Go Down.
Homer's face changes into Popeye.
Homer: (in Popeye's voice) I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE!
There's a Star Trek-esque fight that Barney and Homer participate in which is apparently part of astronaut training at NASA.
- "Esque" nothing. They use the actual fight music from the show. One of the scientists even bets in quatloos.
Homer is told that astronaut training doesn't have a swimsuit competition like in beauty pageants.
Homer: You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?!
"Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way you're both winners. But in another, more accurate way, Barney is the winner." In celebration, Barney and Homer are offered champagne. Barney takes a few sips, and the camera zooms on him as dramatic music cues his shift back to alcoholism.
Barney: It BEGINS!
- Barney then struggles with NASA scientist Dr. Babcock for the champagne bottle, eventually taking it from him. He proceeds to hijack an experimental NASA jetpack. Barney hums an off-key rendition of the "Charge" song, proceeds to take off, flies for a few feet, before crashing face-first into the roof of a pillow factory, and then getting run over by a marshmallow truck.
- And then, the twist.
  Dr. Babcock: I don't understand! That was non-alcoholic champagne.
- As a result, Homer is made the winner by default.
  Homer: Woo-hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language! De-fault! De-fault! De-fault! De-(Doctor Babcock hits him with a cosh)
  NASA Director: Where'd you get that, anyway?
  Doctor Babcock: Sent away.
Homer opens a bag of chips in zero gravity, causing them to fly everywhere:
Race Banyon: THEY'LL CLOG THE INSTRUMENTS!
Buzz: Careful! They're ruffled!
- To solve the problem, Homer unbuckles himself and starts floating around the capsule, eating the chips to the Blue Danube waltz, with his munching in time to the beat. However, the makes things worse by floating toward an antfarm:
  Ant: (in subtitles) Protect the queen!
  Ant 2: Who's the queen?
  Ant 3: I'm the queen!
  Ant 1: No, you're not!
  (Homer smashes against the case, sending them flying as well)
  Ant: Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!
- And thanks to an ill-timed video feed of the mess, Kent comes away with the wrong impression.
  Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen... speaks for itself. The Covair spacecraft has been taken over, conquered if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether the ants will consume the astronauts or merely enslave them, but one thing is clear — there is no stopping them, the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
- On seeing this, Marge tries reassuring Bart and Lisa.
  Marge: Hrrm... don't worry kids. I'm sure your father will be alright.
  Lisa: What are you basing that on, mom?
  (awkward silence)
  Marge: Who wants ginger snaps?
- A few minutes later, it seems someone explained to Kent what really happened.
  Kent: Well, this reporter was... possibly a bit hasty earlier and would like to... reaffirm his allegiance to our human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now. Oh, and the shuttlecraft in extreme danger, risky re-entry, may not make it back to Earth, blah blah blah blah. We'll see you after the movie.
- Lest we forget the "HAIL ANTS" sign Brockman had hanging behind towards the end, which he hastily takes down.
Everything involving the Inanimate Carbon Rod. "Hey, what is that?" "It's an inanimate carbon rod!" Smash Cut to the rod on the cover of Time, followed by it getting a parade.
Homer tries to find escape in TV...and fails.
Homer: TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me.
(he turns on the TV and there's a guy laughing hysterically at the camera)
Guy: You stupid—!
Homer: D'oh!
Bart writing "Insert Brain Here" on the back of Homer's skull.
(Lisa starts giggling when Homer turns his back)
Marge: Bart, I told you: don't draw on your father's skull. (looks at the back of Homer's head and starts snickering)
Homer: What? What does it say?
(Homer starts trying to look at the back of his head, causing him to fall to the ground and starting spinning on the floor, while the entire family laughs until it eventually goes on for so long that they begin to feel uncomfortable)
Sweet dreams and flying machines, in pieces on the grou-oh, uh...Sweet dreams and flying machines, flying safely through the air...

97. - "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned Flanders offers Homer the other football game ticket he won in a radio contest. Homer slams the door in his face and starts complaining.
Homer: (yelling at the ceiling) Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
(Marge pries the waffle off of the ceiling. Homer catches it)
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (nom) ...Mmm, sacrilicious.
Mr. Burns gives an inspiring speech to his football team:
Mr. Burns: Men, there is a little, crippled boy sitting in the hospital who wants to you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.
(cut to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents by his bedside)
Milhouse: (to his parents) I hope they win... Or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
Lisa's description of the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. "They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall."
Ned's delighted when Homer says he wants to go to the game with him...and then notices he's armed with a pipe. Flanders reacts...well, like Flanders.
Ned: Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Gonna give my noggin a floggin'?
Homer: (sheepishly) Well, yeah...
Ned drives past Lenny and Carl in the football stadium parking lot. Homer doesn't want to be seen with Ned, so he pushes Ned down to hide him.
Lenny: Hey look, Homer's got one of those robot cars!
(the car crashes because Ned could not see where he was driving)
Carl: One of those American robot cars.
- Later, on the way out, Ned offers to duck again:
  Homer: I want everyone to know that (yells at Lenny and Carl) THIS IS NED FLANDERS, MY FRIEND!
  Lenny: What did he say?
  Carl: I don't know. Something about being gay.
When Shelbyville loses the game, Homer takes the opportunity to rub it in their faces.
Homer: Losers! Losers! (shakes his ass) Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville! (dodges a beer can) Whoo! Ha-hah! I am invincible! Invincible! You're- (gets hit in the face with a keg) OOOWWWWW!!!
Homer receives the game ball from Stan Taylor. At home, he removes the wedding picture of Marge and him off the mantle so the football can go in its place, then throws the picture and frame in a garbage can.
Marge: (takes the picture out of the trash) Homer, that's our wedding photo.
Homer: Marge, quit living in the past.
Homer's Rapping With Ronnie Reagan tape, guaranteed to make the trip go faster.
Homer breathing though his nose and Ned's violent reaction.

98. - "Bart Gets an Elephant"

The Simpsons' house is very filthy and Marge prevents Bart, Homer, and Lisa from doing anything else until it's clean. She instructs each of them to choose a place they want to clean.
Homer: I CALL THE BASEMENT!
Bart, Marge, and Lisa: (relieved, in unison) Fine!
Homer: D'oh? (opens the basement door and sees a big mess) D'oh!
In the basement, Homer gets high off the cleaner fumes (after not heeding to the warning, "Use only in well-ventilated area") and imagines all of the cleaner bottle mascots (the Turtle Wax turtle, Mr. Clean, the Scrubbing Bubbles) attacking him.
Mr. Clean: I must destroy you!
(Homer starts screaming as the mascots attack him)
Marge: What's going on down there?
(The mascots stop attacking and look about sheepishly)
Homer: ...Nothing.
Marge: Then stop screaming so loud!
(the mascots go back to attacking Homer, who just whimpers quietly)
Radio DJs Bill and Marty attempt to dissuade Bart from wanting the elephant gag prize.
Marty: We think we know how your mind works, Bart. So how about this: we pay your principal $10,000 to pull down his pants and keep them down for the rest of the school year, ha ha!
Seymour: (deadpan) I'll do it, Bart.
Bart: Ermmm...no.
Bill: OK, OK...what if we use the $10,000 to, er, surgically transform Skinner here into, er...some kind of a lobster-like creature?
Seymour: (deadpan) Well now, wait just a minute! That wasn't discussed with me.
Bart and Homer are tossed out of the radio station because Bart demands an elephant. Homer says "Whee!" as he is thrown outside. Bart starts shouting loud enough outside the station to be heard over the airwaves.
Bart: (on the radio) Where's my elephant?!
Abe: Hey, they're playing The Elephant Song.
Jasper: I like this song. It reminds me of elephants.
Kent Brockman reports on what happened to Bart.
Kent: So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives: "Where's my elephant?" I know that's what I've been asking.
Bill and Marty's boss presenting their potential replacement if they don't get an elephant, the DJTron 3000, which can automatically play records and has three different types on inane banter, which she demonstrates.
DJTron: Whoa. That Was The Caller From Hell. Well, Hot Dog, We Have a Wiener!^noteBill had used this exact phrase earlier
Bill: Hey, that thing's great!
Marty: (through clenched teeth) Don't. Praise. The machine!
Stampy uses his trunk to send a young boy flying a small distance in the backyard. Homer then demands payment from the boy's mother.
Homer: Your kid flew 10 feet. That counts as a ride. 2 bucks.
When a cattle egret lands on Stampy and starts pecking him,
Homer: (gasps) That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him!
Lisa: No, Dad, he's grooming him.
(Cut to Homer sitting on the couch, a bird on his head.)
When Stampy stomps through the Flanders' yard:
Ned: (wakes up) It's the four elephants of the apocalypse!
Maude: That's horsemen, Ned.
Ned: Well, gettin' closer. (goes back to sleep)
Lisa blames Mr. Blackheart the ivory dealer for Bart and Stampy's disappearance. Homer becomes mad.
Homer: He took Bart, too? (runs to window, shaking fist) That wasn't part of the deal, Blackheart! THAT WASN'T PAAAAAARRRT!!!
A peanut factory foreman sees Stampy approaching the building.
Foreman: This is the moment we feared, people! Many of you thought it would never happen. But I insisted we spend two hours every morning training for it. You all thought I was mad. Many of you requested to be transferred to another peanut factory. But now we... (Stampy bursts through the door and crushes the foreman)
Homer hits a deer statue with his car.
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer!
Homer is pulled out of the Tar Pits.
Homer: I'm saved! And I owe it all to this feisty feline...
Lisa: Dad, a feline is a cat.
Homer: Elephant. It's an elephant, honey. And I'm sure he'll make a grand piano.
Lisa and Bart: Dad!
When Stampy is brought to the elephant sanctuary at the end he immediately begins aggressively headbutting the other elephants, causing some concern from the family:
Marge: Gosh, I thought he'd be happier in his true habitat.
Warden: Oh, I think he is.
Marge: Then why is he attacking all those other elephants?
Warden: Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks.
(The camera pulls out to reveal Homer is currently headbutting the warden in a manner identical to Stampy)
Warden: Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

99. - "Burns' Heir"

Waylon Smithers has a bump in the road with the infatuation he has for his boss.
Mr. Burns: (sadly) Smithers, do you realize if I had died, there would be no one to carry on my legacy. Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm, I never fathered an heir. Now I have no one to leave my enormous fortune to. No one (Smithers clears his throat) You? (laughs) Oh, no my dear Smithers. I have a much greater reward in store for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. (shows a diorama of the grisly plan, complete with screaming model Smithers)
Smithers: ...Oh — goody.
Mr. Burns makes Lenny beg to keep his job without using the letter "E":
Lenny: Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say—
Mr. Burns: You will.
(Mr. Burns presses a button that sends Lenny falling down a Trap Door)
Lenny: EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee~~~
Mr. Burns holds auditions for a young man suitable enough to inherit his vast fortune.
Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, "No geeks!"
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool.
Mr. Burns: Next.
Nelson: (demanding) Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the call back list.
Martin: [singing] "Clang, clang, clang went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring went the bell / Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings... / Oooh! (Nelson punches him)
Mr. Burns: Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
- Lisa auditions:
Lisa: I propose to you that your heir need not be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours—
Mr. Burns: I don't know what "phallocentric" means, but no girls!
Milhouse: (in drag) So much for Plan B.
- When Bart auditions, he reads from Homer's badly written cue cards:
Bart: Hello, Mr... Kurns? I bad want... money now. Me sick.
Homer: Oh, he card reads good.
Bart: So pick please me, Mr Burns.
Homer: It's "Kurns", stupid!
Marge: No it's not.
Homer: Disregard.
When leaving the mansion after the auditions:
Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably! The lesson is, never try! (snickers at Bart) Right in the butt.
Homer's reactions to Bart's bratty behaviour, first when he's flicking peas at Lisa:
Homer: Lisa, stop getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas!
- And then Bart feeds his dinner to Santa's Little Helper.
  Homer: That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!
Homer demands Bart to leave Mr. Burns' mansion and come home.
Mr. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst!
(Bart, Mr. Burns, and Smithers retreat inside. Homer runs to the door and tries to open it)
Homer: He locked the door! I'll show him! (he rings the doorbell and runs away)
- There's something about the sheer incredulity in Homer's voice when he says "He locked the door!", as if it's something really unusual.
There's an alternate/deleted scene for Homer at Mr. Burns' mansion when he demands Bart to come home. (It was first shown on the "138th Episode Spectacular" clip show in Season 7.)
Mr. Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
(a hidden door opens, and out pops...a robot that looks like Richard Simmons)
Robo-Simmons: (accosting Homer) Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns!
(a speaker juts out the side of its head, and starts blasting a song by KC and the Sunshine Band called "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty". After about five seconds of this, Homer screams in fear and runs away)
Robo-Simmons: (suddenly appearing next to Bart, Mr. Burns, and Smithers) Come on, come on, girls! Shake, shake, shake!
Mr. Burns: (shooing Bart away) Smithers, it's out of control!
Smithers: [pulls out a shotgun] I'll take it out, sir!
(Smithers fires a shot at the Robo-Simmons' head, leaving a huge hole...which then morphs back into place T-1000-style; Robo-Simmons continues singing and dancing, but the recording breaks down, then plays at many times the original place, as the robot shakes violently)
Smithers: His ass is gonna blow!
(they all scream and run back into the house; the robot then explodes, its severed head landing near the gates of Burns Manor)
- Arguably the best part of that scene is how the way Mr. Burns says "The robotic Richard Simmons" indicates that he has other versions of Richard Simmons waiting to be unleashed.
Mr. Burns hires three rather unconvincing actors to play the rest of Bart's family so he can convince Bart to stay. He then has to flip through the script to tell the fake Homer that "Homer Simpsons does not say "B'oh!", he says... "D'oh!"
Homer and Marge approach Lionel Hutz to regain custody of Bart. Not only does he fail, Judge Snyder finds that Burns is clearly Bart's biological father, and Hutz is more concerned about repairing Snyder's shoes.
Marge: You know, we should really stop hiring him...
- Later, they hire someone to kidnap Bart and "deprogram" him at the Happy Earwig Motel ("Our crawlspace now body-free!").
  Deprogrammer: You do not love Mr. Burns! You love Homer and Marge! You are their son! What you are doing is wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
  (in the next room over, Mayor Quimby and a young woman glower at the wall)
  Quimby: Do you mind? You're killing the romance in here!
- Some time later, he presents them with a brainwashed Hans Moleman, who Homer takes to instantly, kissing his forehead enthusiastically. He's still there at the end of the episode, when Homer introduces Bart to his "new brother". Homer then resumes kissing him, telling the others it's "like kissing a peanut." Marge tells him she wants "that thing" out of her house.
While staying with Mr. Burns, Bart has him get Krusty to deliver pizza, despite Krusty's show being filmed live.
Krusty: Eh, I threw out an old re-run, no-one'll know the difference.
(Bart looks over at a TV where the Krusty Show is on. On-screen, Krusty is given a telegram)
Past!Krusty: Children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded! I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! (he instantly pulls down a map of Argentina and the Falklands) The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina...
Krusty: (facepalms) Urrrggh...
Burns shows Bart that he has cameras all over Springfield, including in the Simpsons' house. This reveals to him Homer's secret shame: He loves eating flowers in the bathroom.
Bart: So, that explains his mysterious trip to Holland...

100. - "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

The chalkboard gag, "I will not celebrate meaningless milestones."
Groundskeeper Willie has to catch Santa's Little Helper in the air ducts of Springfield Elementary school.
Willie: Lunchlady Doris...have ye got any grease?
Doris: (flatly) Yes. Yes we do.
Willie: (tears off his shirt) THEN GREASE ME UP, WOMAN!
Doris: (stares, then goes back to usual) ...Okey-dokey.
Willie: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
Apu rants to Principal Skinner about his novel idea which he calls Billy & The Clonesaurus.
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...(cut to later, and Apu is still ranting)...it was on the bestseller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had...(cut again to later still)...one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! (Skinner is looking straight down, clearly dejected) I mean, thank you, come again.
When Bart visits Skinner at boot camp, Skinner calls off a rocket-launching drill. Since the fuses had already been lit, the troops could only redirect their shots. Cut to Apu opening up a gas station just outside the Kwik-E-Mart and noticing something coming from the sky. The scene then cuts back to Skinner and Bart, just as a familiar-looking "K" lands several meters away.
- As Bart and Skinner talk, this happens:
  Skinner: Frankly, the army just isn't as I remember it.
  (A tank rolls past driven by Skinner's trainees, whooping and cheering. One is mooning him, another throws a beer can at his head.)
  Recruit: Up yours, sergeant!
  Skinner: (utterly deadpan) Actually, it's exactly as I remember it.
How Flanders ultimately gets fired, after Bart tries to show Chalmers how bad the school's gotten:
Flanders: Cockily-dockily-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Chalmers: "Thank the Lord—Thank the Lord"?! That sounded like a prayer. (ominous music plays) A prayer...A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organised religion! Simpson, you get your wish! Flanders is history!

101. - "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

As Bart is walking down the street, he sees Homer and Homer spots him. Both of them gasp and hide behind a wall.
Bart: I can't let Dad see me playing hooky.
Homer: I can't let the boy see me skipping work.
(Bart brushes his hair forward; Homer uses a comb as a mustache)
Bart: (walking past) Good afternoon.
Homer: (walking past) How do you do, sir?
Bart & Homer: (chuckle) Sucker...
Principal Skinner is pursuing a truant Bart, and walks straight through a river.
Bart: Oh my God, he's like some sort of... non...giving up ...school guy!
At Freddy Quimby's trial, Skinner looks at Bart from the jury box.
Skinner: (I know you can read my thoughts Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.)
Homer: (I know you can read my thoughts Boy. Meow Meow Meow Meow, Meow Meow Meow Meow, Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow.)
Lisa reassures Bart that a sensible jury will acquit Freddie. Cut to:
Homer: Ohhhh, jury duty?! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this!!
Lisa: I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
Freddy Quimby's trial is going smoothly until Freddy believes his lawyer mispronounces a certain word.
Lawyer: Even though I've proven Freddy Quimby's innocence already, I would like to call him to the stand so we can all bask in his gentle decency. (Freddy takes the stand) Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mister Lacoste?
Freddy: Of course not. I love each and every living thing on God's green earth.
Lawyer: Well then, you certainly would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the prononciation of "chowder"?
Freddy: That's chowdah! CHOWDAH!! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury!! (people in the courtroom gasp)
Lawyer:...Well, that didn't go well.
Lionel Hutz has Dr. Hibbert on the stand for use as testimony against Freddy Quimby. He doesn't understand what he says afterward.
Lionel: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.
Lionel: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge: You rest your case?
Lionel: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.
At the hotel, Homer watches Free Willy on the television.
Homer: Jump, Free Willy. Jump! Jump with all your might!
(on the TV, Willy jumps over a rock barrier as Jesse smiles, but a shadow looms on his face and the smile turns to fear; Jesse gets crushed by the whale)
Annie: Oh, no. Willy didn't make it. And he crushed our boy!
Glen: Ew. What a mess.
Homer: Ohh, I don't like this new director's cut.
During his clash with his conscience, Bart decides to watch TV.
Announcer: Next up on Magarnacle, Magarnacle is framed for a crime he didn't commit. The only witness - a little sissy boy too scared to confess.
Magarnacle: Tell them what you saw, Billy.
Billy: (through tears) But I'm so scared, Mister Magarnacle.
Magarnacle: You gotta do this for me, kid.
Billy: Okay. For you, Magarnacle!
(the scene cuts to Da Chief ranting at Magarnacle)
Da Chief: Well, Magarnacle, Billy is DEAD! They slit his throat from ear to ear!
Magarnacle: Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here!

102. - "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge tells Homer that he didn't do a good job decorating the birthday cake. "What, it's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh."
- After Homer eats the extra letters, he starts eating more.
Marge: Homer stop that! (points at another cake with a bunch of letters jumbled up) I made a special cake for you to ruin!
Abe's reaction when he believes he's in love.
Grandpa: Oooh, I feel all funny.... I'm in love! ...No, wait. It's a stroke!
Cuts to an ambulance zooming down the street
Grandpa: Wait, it is love!
(the ambulance stops and tosses the stretcher carrying Grandpa into the road, which goes zooming down it)
Grandpa: I'M IN LOOOOOOVVVEEEEEEE!!!! (the stretcher carrying him zips down the off-ramp into a freeway)
Mr. Burns is smitten with Marge's mother.
Mr. Burns: I'm in love!
Smithers: (flatly) Whoop-de-do, sir.
Mr. Burns: Yes, whoop-de-do! Whoop-de-do to the world! Whoop-de-do, Mr. Florist! Whoop-de-do, Mr. Physical Trainer! Whoop-de-do, Mr. President!
Bill Clinton: I'm happy you finally found love.
Mr. Burns: Whoop-de-do, Tarantula Town! (talks into the Nuclear Plant's speaker system) Whoop-de-do, employees! Everyone that's found true love may leave early today!
(Homer and a bunch of excited employees run off, leaving one sad worker by himself)
Mrs. Bouvier: I swear, Monty, you're the Devil himself.
Mr. Burns: WHA?!! WHO TOLD Y—! ...Oh, err, heh heh.
After Bart orders an animation cel using Homer's name and credit card, he waits for the delivery. First, a man in a suit rings the doorbell with a "special delivery" for Homer Simpson. When Bart answers, he gets a punch in the face. "Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra." Soon after, a slightly younger man with the Squeaky-Voiced Teen's voice rings the doorbell, again with a "special delivery." When Bart answers, he gets punched again. "Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range!" The third time, Bart is hesitant to open the door, and the delivery guy makes no effort to specify what this "special delivery" is, but Bart looks through the mail slot and sees the cel in a package. He opens the door, accepts the package, thanks him, and then gets punched again. "That's for keepin' me waitin'!"
The Graduate Homage where Grandpa interrupts Mr. Burns and Mrs. Bouvier's wedding by pounding on the glass of the organ box, only for it to break and send him faceplanting into the floor. It doesn't phase him and he just jumps to his feet and keeps yelling.
Grandpa: Mrs Bouvieeeer! Mrs Bouvieeeeeer! (glass shatters) YAAAAARRRR!
Homer's reason for why he opposes the romance between his father and Marge's mother.
Marge: Homer, what possible reason could you have against Grandpa being in love?
Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids...they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
(Bart, Lisa, and Maggie suddenly change appearance, with all of them looking like children in the real world)
Homer: AAAGGGHHHH!

103. - "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

During poker night at Lenny's house, Moe gets angry at Homer because he inadvertently bluffed him, by failing to realize he had a straight flush:
Carl: (to Moe) Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just 'cause he's a little slow...
Homer: (gasps)
Homer's Brain: Something was said! Not good! What was it? "Don't yell at Homer?" No, that's okay... What was it...? "Slow"! They called you slow!
Homer: How dare you call me that!? I... huh?
(he discovers that it's now much later at night and everyone is gone; Lenny is in his pajamas at the fridge)
Lenny: Hey, Homer, you're still here? Boy, you are slow!
Homer: (gasps)
Homer's Brain: Something said! Not good...!
Lenny: Get the hell outta here!
Homer is upset over being called slow:
Homer: Oh, who am I kidding? I am slow.
Marge: Oh, Homie, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that...or you could take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.
Moe teaching a self defense break dancing course.
Moe: Say some gangsta is dissing your flygirl. You just give 'em one of these.
On the way to his new teaching job, Homer goes through the Krusty Burger drive thru just to chat with the order box — which, in the city of Springfield, is a felony offense. He then gets arrested for doing it again a few scenes later. "You were warned about teasing the box!"
Pimple-faced teen: (after Homer dashes off) Wait, I need closure on that anecdote!
Homer runs a red light, claiming he's allowed to do it since he's a teacher. Ms. Hoover overhears him, exclaims "I didn't know we could do that!" and proceeds to run the light as well.
Homer tries to liken a good marriage to eating an orange.
Homer: (holding an orange) You see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First...you've got the skin, and then the sweet, sweet innards. (eats the orange messily)
Apu: I..I don't understand.
Willie: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would've taken the orange-eatin' class.
(cut to said class)
Moleman: The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
Abe: JUST EAT THE DAMN ORANGES!
Marge doesn't like Homer telling his class secrets about their marriage. He tries to defend it.
Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like — I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!
Marge: (yanks Homer's collar, yells, Death Glare) Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again!
Homer: (meekly) Yes ma'am.
Lisa encounters Homer's fake version of Marge he made out of a tall plant and a paper plate stuck to it for her face.
Homer: Good news, Lisa. I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way!
Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant.
Homer: Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. KIIIIISS her! (the plant falls out of the treehouse and smashes) Aah! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! All right, let's get our stories straight — she tripped, right?
Lisa: ...Look, I brought you some rice pudding.
Homer asks his brain for advice on winning Marge back.
Homer's Brain: (rapidly) Eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding.
While exiled to the tree-house, Homer sees Reverend Lovejoy coming to the house.
Homer: Reverend Lovejoy! He'll tell Marge to get back together with me. He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his God will punish him...
(cut to the reverend and Helen Lovejoy having tea with Marge)
Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.
Marge: Isn't that a sin?
Reverend Lovejoy: (holds up a Bible) Marge, just about everything is a sin. Ya ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
Homer: (to Marge) That's it! I've found out what I can give you that no one else can: Complete and utter dependence!

Funny / The Simpsons Season 5

82. - "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

83. - "Cape Feare"

84. - "Homer Goes to College"

85. - "Rosebud"

86. - "Treehouse of Horror IV"^note

A. - The Devil and Homer Simpson

B. - Terror at 5½ Feet

C. - Bart Simpson's Dracula

87. - "Marge on the Lam"

88. - "Bart's Inner Child"

89. - "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"

90. - "The Last Temptation of Homer"

91. - "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"

92. - "Homer the Vigilante"

93. - "Bart Gets Famous"

94. - "Homer and Apu"

95. - "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

96. - "Deep Space Homer"

97. - "Homer Loves Flanders"

98. - "Bart Gets an Elephant"

99. - "Burns' Heir"

100. - "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

101. - "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

102. - "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

103. - "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

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Index

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Funny / The Simpsons Season 5

Edit Locked

82. - "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

83. - "Cape Feare"

84. - "Homer Goes to College"

85. - "Rosebud"

86. - "Treehouse of Horror IV"note A.K.A. "The Simpsons Halloween Special IV"

A. - The Devil and Homer Simpson

B. - Terror at 5½ Feet

C. - Bart Simpson's Dracula

87. - "Marge on the Lam"

88. - "Bart's Inner Child"

89. - "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"

90. - "The Last Temptation of Homer"

91. - "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"

92. - "Homer the Vigilante"

93. - "Bart Gets Famous"

94. - "Homer and Apu"

95. - "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

96. - "Deep Space Homer"

97. - "Homer Loves Flanders"

98. - "Bart Gets an Elephant"

99. - "Burns' Heir"

100. - "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

101. - "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

102. - "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

103. - "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

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Index

Next

86. - "Treehouse of Horror IV"^note