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Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!):
BFS EnthusiastSounds rather similar to the character I'm submitting. This story sounds like one I might enjoy. If he finds his dad, I might imagine the twist would be that he wouldn't like what he found.
edited 4th Nov '12 8:16:10 PM by NickTheSwing
It would be interesting to see Matthew in a grey situation. I think there should be more information why he has the lance imbedded in him. I wouldn't be surprised if the big bad took out the lance and left Matthew to die. Does Matthew forge the swords like a smith or do they magically appear in the air when he needs them? I would be interested to hear more of the story he is in.
Name: Heavy Metal species: robot a.k.a. Thamee Age: 30 - 60 depending where you are in the story line Personality: defiant, supportive, vicious and ruthless, loving, Abilities: jet pack, super strength, grappling hooks (Hurts when they go under the jaw), carries around a plasma gun, and an assault rifle Weaknesses: anything that can tear up steel Goals: Survive, kill slasher 2, collect as many survivors with minimum casualties Motivation: Might die if he doesn't help, has to save his friends and family from death Role in the story: Big guy, one of 8 man band Backstory: Found as a basic android that fought for the communist that was left to rot. He was recovered and given a human personality with six other communist androids. He journeyed the universe with his generous benefactor. Then war broke out in the universe and he found himself running through zombie infested cities and other areas looking for human or alien survivors. Relevant Tropes: robot buddy, big guy, badass automaton, eating machine (drinks oil), improbable aiming skills, heroic sacrifice, true companions
I've faced demons, heroes, and monsters. Come then, hero, finish me!
BFS EnthusiastThe Big Bad of the second book uses her phasing magic to try to do exactly that. It...doesn't go very well for her. You Cannot Grasp the True Form applies. As for a grey situation, he is in one from Book II onward. As for the swords, there's usually around three spell circles that form, and then energy forms between them into a blade, basically performing blade forging that would normally take months or even years, and doing it in seconds. He can even specify if he wants a dulled blade so he doesn't do (much) lasting damage to his enemy.
edited 4th Nov '12 8:19:47 PM by NickTheSwing
A well-built robot character from what I see, specially with the Heroic Sacrifice part you added. Always makes me sad.. I do think you were a little too brief on your description of him, I'd like to have heard more about Heavy Metal and his personality. But from what I see, he looks pretty nice. —- Name: Captain Jonathan Tremble. Age: Sixty years old, Badass Grandpa all the way. Personality: A very over-the-top yet tranquil old man (he is the kind of person who drinks tea and laughs up with a good joke when his plane is being shot at), exceedingly british, and as such he is a cheerful, cultured, intelligent and overall gentleman. Abilities: A genius at aerial strategy and a master at the helm of his Blimp [this is a steampunk 'verse, as you can notice], he is also a Ace Pilot of ridiculous levels [his nickname is "The Sky Terror"]. He is also a pretty apt swordsman and quick thinker. Weaknesses: Similarly to Anakin from Star Wars, he has a crippling fear of losing his loved ones [his daughter, mostly], which sometimes leads him to do stupid or morally ambiguous things. Villains beware, though. He also has a tendency to forget of other's feelings when he is at the helm, but it's more a case of genuinely forgetting than lacking empathy. Goals: He seeks to explore all of the world's mysteries as a main goal. In a less noticeable [but just as important] objective, he wants the happiness of his daughter. At any cost. Motivation: The world is full of wonders, so why not explore? Role in the story: Protagonist. Backstory: Born in a aristocratic family, he was always a sheltered child to wanted to see the world more than anything. His rich family eventually grew into povertry due The Great Offscreen War (think this world's equivalent of WWI). To help his family he became a pilot for the army, where he acquired his Ace Pilot skills and nickname. His family died one by one, victims of the war (which is what caused the aforementioned crippling fear of losing his loved ones), and he was left alone. After the war was over, he decided to pursue his dream and mounted a crew to explore the skies [as I said, in this world there are flying islands, monsters, and all sort of weird thing]. He met the love of his life on his trips and had a daughter, but his wife left him for reasons uknown to him [he woke up one morning and she...left]. Now he continues his journeys alongside his [currently fully-grown] daughter. Relevant Tropes:
edited 5th Nov '12 1:18:45 PM by Gaon
Library of useless factsI'd be interested to see this guy in the cockpit of the Protagonist slot. (Pun intended). This archetype is usually the sort that dies in the first chapters of a story and inspires said younger hero. I'd tread carefully about not including health troubles associated to a 60 year old man. Young at heart is fine, but you're losing a great deal of interesting content if you don't make his age a crutch at some point. Just think of how bad ass it is to whoop someone DESPITE a bad hip. Just saying. Here is the secondary protagonist in my story for those interested: Name: Zamella Glemeis AKA Zam Glam (stage name) Age: 20 Personality: Bossy, Confident, Overbearing Picture here◊ Abilities: Zammela is a powerful magician capable to using the four basic elements. Though her application of magic teeters between cosmetic and practicality. All of her magic usage is based around her actual knowledge of the world. She understands the fundamental potentials of the elements and merely unlocks them through magic. Example, she knows the conditions under which fire thrives so she re-creates those conditions rather than recklessly conjuring it. She has learned this sense of control and perfectionism because of her primary limitation. Zammela’s reserve of magic is limited to her mental fatigue. While this is true with any inhabitant of Pange, the average man, woman or child cannot drum up enough magical might to make them so much as yawn. So instead Zammela has learned the fine art of deception. Above all else, she is a stage magician with real power, as she puts it: A Magician Extraordinaire. Weaknesses: Stubborn, Gets hung up on small details, Extreme pacifist, Things on high Shelves , Magic isn't practical, it literally makes her fall asleep. Goals: Glory. Power. Motivation: She's out to prove to the world that the Managul is not a threat, but a boon. Role in the story: When the story begins Zammela is travelling with her parents across Geldbane. Abruptly she insists on investigating a place of power, one of the few places she can use her magic freely. Her parents reluctantly leave her there with intent to have someone else pick her up a few days later. After receiving a tip from a priest steeped in a strong smelling herb named Richie: The same man that stranded Derrek in Pange under the command of the ‘Goddess’. She ends up in the company of the Dimanagul (the MC, Derrek) and his travelling companions. When she meets Derrek she easily identifies him as the Dimanagul. To her: he is a void of magic; a gap in space. She also refuses to accept him as someone that would kill her. Instead she decides to try and befriend him (and on a spectator’s terms it comes across as make him her minion.) They find that despite their differences in upbringing, they see eye to eye on many things. But most importantly the threat Gelbane’s sun poses to the world. She convinces him to aid her stop the impending calamity Richie warned her of. The Dimanagul can act as a sort of ‘battery’ for her. Being in close proximity to Derrek allows her to both expend her magic slower and bounce back from fatigue. The City of Water Agellas has two portals above and below it. Ocean water pours around the city typically, and is cast out above the ocean from the lower portal. The portals are connected to the mile wide suns that lob over Pange. They don’t actually go underground at all when they set, instead they are launched elsewhere. The largest of these suns lobs straight up and down and threatens to manifest from the lower portal of Agellas, destroying the city and the people in it. Worse, it was going to happen while Gelbane’s sun was over the city: Earth-Shattering Kaboom . The Calamity is averted with some backup from the rest of the party; it saves Agellas but it only delays the inevitable. The lower portal is left unstable. Next time it lapses, it will stay open permanently. Moving forward, Zam comes to the very real possibility that there is truth behind her mother’s warning. She may have to die at Derrek’s hands to save Pange (But of course there’s another way) Her attempts to get closer to him to ensure their friendship (master/minion relationship) remains intact come across as clumsy attempts at seduction. As a Love interest: Later in the series, while the initial interest is not present on her side of the coin, she unwittingly sparks a romance between them. Generally odd, and a mixture of inebriation she propositions him to sleep with him. (Because of his proximity recharge thing) With the UST already present, Derrek spells it out to her that he is interested. She decides to humor him oblivious to the reason for his interest in her. (Duh.) However she insists their relationship stay a secret. She initially sees it as a strategic opportunity for survival, but starts to grow attached. The Lady Knight in the party, Naida, has real chemistry with Derrek, and they become emotionally close. Not to mention she can directly relate to his dreams of death as she has endured one. Zam recognizes their closeness, but decides you let it flourish. Instead of worrying about Naida as a Romantic Rival, she uses her as a point of reference (Making Naida an unwitting Cyrano). Zam eventually realizes how terrible this is as she develops a deeper bond with Naida and the rest of the party. Backstory: Zammela is the Managul, a linage of powerful magicians that are not bound by the typical limitations of magic. ((Typically people in Pange can only use two elements and only utilitarian magic at best.)) When a living Managul dies, the next girl born into that blood line will be born with the power. Her aunt, Beatriz Adakasin was the Managul before her, and died a year before her birth making her the next in line. When all of the line is wiped out, a new Managul is chosen at random. Beatriz earned her power in that way. Zammela was raised in an attempt to keep her from being sheltered. She was dragged around Pange to all corners of the world and discouraged from being obsessed with her gift. While it made her knowledgeable of the world, it did nothing to make her sociable. Stamped a brat and insufferable by her peers, Zam managed to stay an outcast despite her noble upbringing. She shows little interest in following her father’s footsteps as a politician, nor interest in marrying into another house. Eventually her parents bargained with her to settle on marrying just to preserve their line (it is very rare in Pange to have more than one child). She agreed that when she turned 21 she would give them a grandchild and let them do with it as they will. Then she would be able to pursue her magic and a life of real freedom. Zammela has been told the truth of her role as the Managul as well as what little information her mother had concerning Beatriz’s mission to ‘save the world’. She was also given the grim warning that if she ever saw a Dimanagul, she must flee for her life. She was told the truth of her aunt’s death at the hand of the Previous Dimanagul, Clayton Cobb. Relevant Tropes: Small Name, Big Ego (Zam Glam), Black Magician Girl , Technical Pacifist , Significant Green-Eyed Redhead , The Napoleon , Green-Eyed Monster (Mostly Inverted)
edited 9th Nov '12 3:46:58 PM by Dimanagul
All Heroes die. Some just more than others. http://dimanagul.wordpress.com
For this, at least for now, I'm just going to do his role in the story I'm writing for NaNoWriMo, though I might also do his one for later parts in the larger story I will construct. Now, to the person above me, after I write the whole thing out! Right, forgot to respond to above. Interesting character. Giving her the power to use magic, but then making her a pacifist, though do you mean extreme as in never, ever hurt someone, or just not kill? Seems like a well rounded character to me. Not much to comment on, though I'm not really the best at this stuff anyways. Not yet at least Name: Richard Age: 17 Personality: Socially awkward, has trouble speaking to people, not good in groups unless it's something like a warband. Richard has a strong sense of justice, and always believes in doing what is right. ALWAYS! He is also good at hiding his emotions, usually keeping a blank face, although there have been recent moments of sadness and anger flowing through. Abilities: Able to think on his feet, and a very good warrior, at least with a sword. Also has an advanced understanding of basic hand to hand combat, as well as tactics. Clever when he puts his mind to things, although he rarely does that anymore. Weaknesses: Unmotivated, rarely able to put effort into things. His code of honor often conflicts with what most people would do. Lacks any ability with ranged weaponry. Apathy seems to be taking him in it's grip. Goals: To find some sort of reason to be alive, some sort of motivation. Motivation: He lacks any true motivation, except his search to find some. His search for motivation is his motivation, I guess, though I don't mean that per se. Role in the Story: The Protagonist. I guess most people have messages they're trying to send in their stories, but I don't quite have one... Backstory: He was born to a bankrupt feudal lord near the edge of a large mountain range. At a young age, too young to remember his parents, he was stolen by one of the many marauding mountain clans. He was raised as a warrior among their peoples, and excelled at the use of the sword, where he upclassed his fellows with his smaller frame, yet superior agility. He stood out among them, mainly due to them being mostly broad a burly, while he was rather tall and thin. He began fighting at the age of eleven, which became his life, his purpose for being alive. A large war erupted a few years later, more than the usual skirmishes. After a series of battles, his clan, among others, was eliminated, and it's members that refused to assimilate were hunted down. After awhile, he managed to narrowly escape, and arrived into the plains where he once lived, to search for something to do after his entire life fell apart. With no meaning, no more purpose. Relevant Tropes: The Protagonist. The Stoic. Some more probably, but I don't quite know all the tropes...
edited 10th Nov '12 9:01:14 PM by MacNasty
Jolly Good ShowAlright, might aswell join in. I think you need to work on making your character a bit more...exciting. Right now, he seems like a really good template for a character that could be very interesting as a secondary one, but might grate a bit as the protagonist. I like the theme, he's apathetic, but maybe throw in something else; cynicism, severe trauma, maybe even outright depression. He's far from a bad character, you just need to make him exciting and fluent aswell as good. Now, doubtless, my own character will be very boring. He's one of five brothers I'm writing for a big old story, the story being an invasion of a very large but peaceful medieval country by a small group of very professional and very dogmatic warriors. Name: Erik Ulfrson Age: Thirty-one Personality: Erik is the brother they turn to when they need something very, very dead. In camp, he's reasonably talkative, sometimes playful, often jovial if there's a drinking festival. He shuns the faith of his father and country, though often takes part in the Five Prayers as...well, that's how he was raised. He's closest to the eldest brother, Ragnar, and the pair are the thinkers of the family. While Ragnar is extremely theoretical and good at grasping concepts and rhetoric, Erik is extremely practical, good at using those ideas in a day-to-day sense. He's horrendous at anything that doesn't pertain to war, as he simply doesn't care, but since he's in a warband, well... When it comes to a fight, though, Erik just wins. His entire purpose becomes the killing and devastation of his enemy, and this ostracises him from his brothers at times - he is the only one who wasn't severely scarred emotionally by his first real fight, and he wondered why; now, he just uses his apparent immunity to the trauma of war to be the most ruthless, practical and effective frontline leader the brothers have. Abilities: Erik is basically a man who's beemn brought up to fight to his last breath. With an axe and sword in hand, he's an absolute devil in a fight. Alongside this, he's a brilliant frontline commander, able to keep his head in the heat of battle and utterly ruthless yet practical in it. He will capture a valuable foe, but he'll massacre prisoners if they can't be fed. As previously mentioned, he's scary practical. Weaknesses: He's also scary useless in politics, farming, metallurgy, haberdashery - if it doesn't pertain to killing people, Erik doesn't care. The most notable example is when Ragnar notes that all the brothers are literate - except Erik. Alongside this, personality wise, Erik is physically addicted to the rush of adrenaline. It ostracises him from his kin who look upon war as a necessary evil. Eventually, he will be the one always favouring the violent option. Lastly, he's arrogant. He believes that a band of well-trained, hardened soldiers can overcome anything; and he thinks he's a lot better at killing than his brothers. In brief, he's narrow-minded, he's addicted to violence, and unbelievably arrogant. Goals: To 'have it all'. To conquer until there's nothing left to conquer. Motivation: His father, Ulfr The Prophet, instilled in him the belief that the strong conquer. Add into the equation his arrogance, and you have a recipe for a man who believes he has a right to any bit of land that can't be held. Role in the story: Erik is the one who makes things happen. He fixes the military problems. When the Five Brothers run up against a fort, it's Erik who captures it. When they come up against a Dragon Rider, it's him who works out how to bring it down. But, on the flip side, he's the one who always supports Ragnar's overriding and often megalomaniac schemes simply because it allows him to keep fighting. He's the madman's henchmen in many ways. Also, he's the group's resident 'Hero Killer', as the Five Brothers probably fit more as villains than anything else. Backstory: The important bit is the same for all of the brothers; their father started a religious revolution in their homeland, and sparked a civil war that lasted most of a decade. Eventually, he was defeated, and the five brothers and their followers were exiled. Relevant Tropes: The Unfettered, The Lancer, The Strategist, An Axe To Grind, Blood Knight, Hero Killer
edited 11th Nov '12 2:14:38 AM by Minister
It's your God, they're your rules, you go to hell." - Mark Twain
The Lancer or The Smart Guy as opposed to a straight up Hero role. His goal and stoic personality remind me of Casshern a little bit. This is the main character for the story I'm planning to write. I'm trying to keep this as spoiler-free as possible.
Name: Stella Blaze Age: 200+. Physically, she looks like someone in her twenties Personality: Brash, sardonic, sarcastic, incredibly tomboyish and somewhat eccentric. Has a vengeful side. Loves a good fight. Has a fondness for music (mostly Rock and Metal, but "anything that sounds good" works for her too), comics, and video games (prefer's more arcadey games due to her constant traveling). While far from heroic, Stella will help others whenever she can, and is very protective of the people she cares about. She also has an affinity to cute things. Abilities: Being a Demon, Stella has enhanced strength, speed, durability, agility, high-level regeneration etc. Can create and control fire/hellfire and darkness (usually combines the two). Is a very skilled swordswoman and marksman Her equipment includes a giant chainsaw sword called Bloodedge, twin handguns Skoll and Hati, and her revolver Fenrir. She also has a pair of goggles, because "goggles are cool!". Weaknesses: Is somewhat lazy, holds back a tremendous amount of power, usually keeps to herself and has trouble giving out proper information to certain people (mainly her rival). Goal: Currently, her goal is to find her former friend, Nera, and kill her. The feeling is very mutual. Motivation: Her motivation for wanting to kill her former best friend is mostly out of an odd sense of sisterly love, respect, and something of a moral code. Because she and Nera were once so close and understand each other so well, she feels that she's the only one that can "properly" kill her, preferably in a Duel to the Death. Her motivation for becoming a Demon in the first place was because it was the only way she could feel that she was truly "alive". Role in the story: Main Protagonist Background: After some unspecified incident when she was still a human, Stella made a Deal with the Devil to become a Demon for power. In exchange she was to work as Hell's bounty hunter and hunt down the wicked souls of the world, either sending them directly to Hell, or by absorbing said souls into her self, something Stella was all to happy to oblige. Relevant tropes: Ax-Crazy, Blood Knight, The Berserker, Badass Longcoat, Badass Biker Butch Lesbian, Deal with the Devil (subverted, for the most part), Deadpan Snarker, Dark Is Not Evil, Good Is Not Nice, Noble Demon —-> Jerk with a Heart of Gold, Tsundere Psycho for Hire, Anti-Hero, Byronic Hero, Nineties Anti-Hero, Too Many Belts, Spikes of Villainy, Sociopathic Hero / Heroic Comedic Sociopath, The Musketeer, The Dreaded, Walking the Earth, Hired Guns, Rock Me, Asmodeus! (sort of, in contrast with Nera and Satan, Stella has more of a "metal" theme going on, hence the abundance of belts and spikes on her clothing).
edited 12th Nov '12 1:08:51 AM by CrimsonFlameKnight
Geek ExtraordinaireSounds good, just be sure to really flesh out her motivation for killing her friend so that it doesn't seem like she's too gung-ho or too casual about it. Name: Chance Kariya Age: 16 as the story begins. Personality: An intelligent geek who thinks carefully through problems. He's an insufferable smart-aleck who never shuts up and always has a wisecrack, but he gets serious when he's angry. Chance is pretty laid-back, but fiercely protective of his friends. Abilities: Chance is a computer prodigy, winner of a nationwide programming competition, and able to crack an alien operating system in around a year. He can project force fields, initially only big enough to shield him but large enough to protect others as he grows more powerful. These force fields absorb energy, which Chance can redirect as energy blasts, or kinetically in the form of physical attacks. Weaknesses: Chance can only absorb energy at the cost of a great mental strain; if his field is hit hard enough or overloaded with too much energy, his force field breaks and he is rendered unconscious. Coupled with that, he has a limit to how much energy he can hold; too much buildup will cause him to purge the energy he's absorbed. He's also not the most athletic kid, so he can't run for a long period of time or fight hand-to-hand very well. Goals: Chance basically just wants to stay alive, and to protect his new friends. Motivation: After his superpowers manifest, he finds himself on the run from a killer targeting others with powers. Basically, he doesn't want to die. Role in the story: He's essentially the protagonist, though not the leader of the group. He often finds himself defending his teammates, or as he calls it, "playing a support class." He's the comic relief, and occasionally the moral center. Backstory: Chance grew up playing video games and reading comics, and is basically overjoyed when he finds out he has superpowers (which are the result of alien experimentation but I'm not going to get into that now.) Relevant Tropes: Ascended Fanboy Insufferable Genius Non-Action Snarker Barrier Warrior Energy Absorption Asian and Nerdy Anime Hair Chest Insignia Scary Shiny Glasses Nerd Glasses
edited 11th Nov '12 2:08:57 PM by RedM
The very best, like no one ever was.
...can still biteWhy does she want to kill her sister? What did she do? More info? Name: Thaddeus Age: late teens - early twenties Personality: A Bitch in Sheep's Clothing, he thinks he cares about other people when he is actually really selfish and only uses them for his own ends. He is also very bigoted towards commoners, despite technically being one himself, and has a sense of entitlement. Somewhat similar to Griffith. Abilities: As a demi-god, he has a physically enhanced body (including Super Toughness, Super Strength, and Super Reflexes). Because his father was the particular god who controlled the power of Fate, he has the ability to see possible futures and choose the best one, giving him Combat Clairvoyance (this power is purposefully the same as a Save Scumming RPG hero). Weaknesses: Rather stupid and cowardly. Goal: To become a king and kill the Big Bad. Role in Story: Decoy Protagonist Background: He is descended from royalty from his princess mother, his mother's kingdom which was taken over by the resident Evil Overlord (found at this thread, post 44) when he was young. He knew about his lineage from a young age, and thus actually considers himself a crowned prince despite not actually having a kingdom. He wants to become a king either through re-establishing his mother's kindom, or by marrying a princess of another. He also wants to kill said Evil Overlord, and was prophesied to do so. This is despite the fact that said "Evil Overlord" is a Reasonable Authority Figure (despite, or perhaps because, of his ravings about destroying the world), while the original royal family were bigoted tyrants, and Thaddeus seems like he would take after them. Do you see what I'm going for here?
edited 11th Nov '12 2:11:00 PM by shiro_okami
Why does she want to kill her sister? What did she do? More info?It's a Cain and Abel kind of thing basically. Still trying to keep things as spoiler free as possible: The two were once part of a mercenary-like organization until a traumatic event occured that caused the two to be separated for years, and said organization to be disbanded. While Stella had become a mostly solo mercenary since then, Nera had become a power-hungry Nietzsche Wannabe out for her own gain having started up her own Nebulous Evil Organization composed of some of the former members from their old mercenary group. When she and Stella met up again years later, the latter tried to reason with her, but to no avail, this lead to a fight in which Stella narrowly escaped with her life intact. At this point, Stella was convinced that nothing she could do could "save" Nera, and that she had become far too dangerous for the world's Church Militant to leave her alone, and that she had to be stopped. However, she believed that if anyone was going to stop her friend, it would be Stella herself, not the law, and that she would do so as her friend, and as her Worthy Opponent. Think of their rivalry as something similar to Dante and Vergil's from Devil May Cry, or Spke and Vicious from Cowboy Bebop (which these characters were partly inspired by).
edited 11th Nov '12 3:35:28 PM by CrimsonFlameKnight
Name: Not yet decided, or unknown. (Take your pick) Age: 27 Personality: Mature, deadpan, logical and calculating, idealist. Anti-murder, enjoys cooking, hunting, surviving, nature, and kicking ass, though he doesn't admit it. Abilities: His abilities are slightly enhanced by a kind of magical drug with permanent effects or whatnot. He is very strong, he can think very fast, and is a good marksman with a variety of weapons. His main skills however, are stealth. He can move within feet of people without them noticing, and breaking in and out of places without being noticed is his specialty. To go with this, he has self taught a martial arts style that basically involves taking people down as quickly and quietly as possible. Weaknesses: He pretty much never smiles, and is not much of a team player. He can be reckless, and has a berserk button when people harm innocents, or mention his parents. Overestimates the strength of his comrades, and doesn't connect when they're in trouble or are quietly suffering. Goals: To find out what happened to his parents, stop a global terrorist threat, end WWIII, and protect the weak and innocent. (He accomplishes the first and third, but not the second. The fourth one is ongoing.) Motivation: Mostly self shame. He was in the SAS for a few years, and killed a lot of people which he isn't proud of. He wants to end his life as the "coward who kills people." His village was attacked when he was young, and his parents were taken. This, and his experiences in the armed forces, have caused him to grow a hatred for powerful preying on the weak. Role in the story: He works for a top secret private military, intelligence, and weapons development organisation. His work mainly includes fighting the mob, or sneaking into enemy territory to gather information, and put a thorn in their side. Badassery: Given that he's a bit of a superhero, I'm gonna go ahead and mention a bit of his attire. He wears specialised custom combat gear, (because why not) and uses non lethal pistols, and a crossbow. My avatar is a picture of his face. The red eye patch thingo is a night vision and thermal imaging module, that helps him see in the dark and spot targets. Relevant tropes: Stun Guns, he uses these to avoid killing. Automatic Crossbow, not really automatic, but pump action. The Hunter, yep. Parental Abandonment, later becomes a convenient orphan. Thou Shalt Not Kill, given that he's in the strong department, he prefers not to kill and avoid hypocrisy. The Quiet One, not just because he's a badass, but because he's introverted and matured in general. Nerves of Steel, because a hero like this needs them.
edited 13th Nov '12 8:07:20 PM by Frogger5
Wanna see the random crap I get up to? Me neither. http://jesseskwilliams.tumblr.com/
Thunder, Perfect MindPlease try to give a critique of someone else's character before posting yours. A paragraph or so would be ideal, but you could at least spare a few words.
That was a bit rude of me, I admit. I apologise if it seemed so. @Red: What are his friends like? Are they gamers and programmers like him? If so, then I can imagine that he'd be the sort of annoying guy that they hang around with because he's there, and not so much a close friend. Does he realise how insufferable he is? If yes, then he's probably arrogant, which would tie in with his achievements as a programmer. Just some things to consider. I think it would also be wise to make sure that the circumstances of him gaining his powers, and learning to use them aren't too contrived. One of the reasons many people prefer Batman over Spider-man, is because Batman spend years training to gain his badasery, whereas Spider-man is just a troubled teenager who happened to get bitten by a spider which by chance gave him super powers.
Wanna see the random crap I get up to? Me neither. http://jesseskwilliams.tumblr.com/
edited 14th Nov '12 10:05:14 AM by FullMoon
Library of useless factsThe only think I raise an eyebrow to with this character is their weapon of choice. 'Two handed sword' taken as a heavy blade like a Claymore is an extremely unwieldy weapon for anyone other than an burly brute. I would put extra effort into explaining this weapon choice beyond 'he stronger than he looks' I'm thinking a fighting style based on Vaulting etc... Now of course you might just mean a sword that he wields with two hands rather than a BFS That aside, I like characters that have an impending realization looming. It's a great tool for Character Development. Another Hero (unrelated to my novel) one of the leads in a Short story / possible Novella: Name: Nell Draadich Age: 25 Personality: Soft Spoken, Hesitant, Earnest: Outwardly Nell is more of a follower than a leader. However she is a follower filled with good ideas, insight and Is Wise Beyond Their Years . Usually this all gets blockaded by confidence issues. When she drinks she comes across the same but shows a snarky side and isn’t shy about showing her approval of a situation (she still bottles complaints). Abilities: Nell is a fire magician and doesn’t dabble in any of the other elements. Because of this she often needs to find applications for fire even when it is not appropriate for the situation. Example: If someone is immune or resistant to fire she might burn off the air around them to make them faint. Nell is limited in her use of magic by a short staff she carries with her. Without it she can only use magic through her familiar ‘wisp’. However, she suffers no such limitations while she’s drunk. Nell is what is called Ambrosia, effectively the vampire equivalent of prime rib. She is unable to be turned to vampirism, nor influenced by their illusions. She’s also immune to common ailments caused by disease. Weaknesses: Frail built, Not particularly athletic, Extremely indecisive (When Sober), Confidence issues (When sober), Usually tired (do to a sleeping disorder) Goals: Defending those oppressed by the undead. Motivation: With less time to work with Lifespan She wants to make every minute count. Role in the story: Nell is a member of an Association that hunts the undead. Their primary focus tends to be vampires as they are the primary threat to humanity because of their ability to control lesser undead (in the story’s mythos) Because of her status as Ambrosia she is constantly plagued by vampires. (they are naturally drawn to her) She is almost never seen without a silver choker around her neck. Which is laden with countless bites from vampires. She got these willing, as she actually empathizes with Vampires a great deal, and does not kill them indiscriminately. Nell holds a great deal of empathy for her fellow hunters in the association and appreciates their sacrifice. Because of her ailment, she is not expected to live long. Though later she finds that her bad habit is actually prolonging her life span. Alchohol off sets the encroaching effects. She often gets taken advantage of by her co-workers and has a reputation for being ‘easy’. Regardless of this mistreatment Nell thinks highly of them and sees beyond their Misogynistic ways and keeps focused on the sacrifices they make on a daily basis. On the other side of the coin, they truly value Nell as a hunter and are extremely protective of her. The story starts with her partnership with Culvir Silverdark, a no nonsense stick in the mud that lives by the book (Someone ironic as he is a rogue, the closet thing you can get to a Lawful Good rogue). Nell finds herself drawn to his selfless intentions despite his ‘don’t have time for women’ attitude. Culvir also has little appreciation for her boozing, despite the fact it actually makes her a more potent magician. He insists she is a competent magician in her own right without reliance on a drug. Backstory: Nell paved her own way through a well-known magical academy by sweat and tears. She worked her way through waiting tables at sleazy establishments. (a tall order considering she isn’t the most coordinated of people). Her parents are celebrities, a famous duo of dancer and bard. They have little love for her choice of work. Nell has a younger (17) sister named Aure who is a talented swordswoman though manages to keep the favor of her parents by making a sincere attempt at applying her talents to show business rather than the ‘greater good’. Nell has acquired a regular Rogues Gallery of ex boyfriends over the years. She has a bad habit of falling for the wrong kind of guy. Relevant Tropes: All Girls Want Bad Boys : Nell can be obnoxiously spineless (when sober) / amicable (when drunk.) Official Couple : Nell and Culvir click very early, UST ahoy. It’s no secret they’re a couple. Hot Librarian: Moonlights(Day lights?) as a School Teacher, Girl Next Door : Nell’s mannerisms are most of her draw not her figure. Hartman Hips : Culvir points this out frequently (but clearly approves) White-Haired Pretty Girl : Silver colored hair, runs in her family. Red Eyes, Take Warning: While her eyes are grey, they reflect flame oh so well. Familiar : Wisp. A floating ball of flame she seems unhealthily attached to.
edited 14th Nov '12 1:35:25 PM by Dimanagul
All Heroes die. Some just more than others. http://dimanagul.wordpress.com
Looks good, sounds plausible and interesting without being too cliche. I've heard though that people tend to sympathize poorly with weak protagonists, which could make things more difficult for you.
Street Writing Man
Nell can be obnoxiously spineless (when sober) / amicable (when drunk.)You might turn male readers off with this one, so I'd use it sparingly if at all. Otherwise, looks good. Run with it.
This is the protagonist in the two detective novels I've been working on. Name: Eckart, Amber Jane Age: 33 (born September 5th 1979) Personality: A gentle but sharp-witted cynic. Eccentric, but stable and practical. Quick to believe the worst in human nature (her job exposes her to a good deal of it), especially where relationships are concerned. A compulsive snarker; the more stressed she is, the more her mouth runs. Does not like bullies. Does not join causes. Skills: Jack of all trades, from living alone and growing up in a do-it-yourself household. Tech-savvy but not a “hacker” in the popular sense of the term. Knows how to shoot a gun. Knows police procedure and politics. Is capable of quick thinking when pressed. Weaknesses: Does not do well in relationships...she tends to pick the wrong guys, a blind spot she constantly finds black amusement in. Is made uncomfortable when people mention her failed ambition to be a police officer, sometimes to an irrational degree. Goals: Run a business. Keep the doors open, the lights on and the paychecks going out to her employees. Find the truth. Stay alive. Motivation: Use her talents and knowledge in a practical way, and again...keep her business open. Role In The Story: Amber provides the narration. She is also the one who generally cracks open the mysteries, but she has help from her staff. Back Story: Amber was raised in small town with conservative values, by a family with three generations of law enforcement in its history (father and grandfather were city police, two of her uncles were FBI, etc.). Had aspirations to be a cop until a small youthful indiscretion ruined her chances *. Halfheartedly pursued an art degree and drifted for a few years before an old professor of her encouraged her to start her own PI practice. Relevant Tropes:
edited 18th Nov '12 4:51:37 PM by drunkscriblerian
Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. ~Sophia Loren~
Wütend Jaeger@DS - Sarcastic female private detective...hmm...it's not a type that I am familiar with. I can see that your character is most definitely a very decent person, that's for sure. Other than that, I can't say much from what you have.
edited 19th Nov '12 7:28:58 PM by dRoy
"I'm going to kill them all, but not before I teach them how to speak so they can beg for mercy while I kill them slowly and painfully!"
Behind you!Seems pretty good. Realistic problems blended with the fantastic seems good. Name: Wurhan Grommelson Age: 19 Personality: Cautious, a bit snarky on occasion Abilities: Can write well, a good memory, and a pretty good sketcher. Weaknesses: Almost no combat skills, secretly craves glory. Goals: Write a compelling history of the mission to stop Scaebious, live long enough to become respected and famous Motivation: Glory and fear for his life and well being. Role in the Story: while not the narrator, is the Po V character. Ordered to go along with the other characters to record their actions. Backstory: Raised in a middle-class family of historians as part of an order. Married a farm-girl when he was 18. Received a visit in the middle of the night from Scaebious and his bodyguard, asking him to translate some tablets. He could not, and Scaebious decided to spare him since he had a pregnant wife. An inquisitor and Blood Templar showed up the next morning, with lots of questions. Two days later, he was shanghaied into a quest. Relevant Tropes:
edited 22nd Nov '12 8:59:25 AM by Ninjaxenomorph
Several webcomics I work on! Debre Insonis, Forged Men, and Arcane Fantasy
Hm, nice, average Ishmael. I like nice, average Ishmael. Enough of a personality so they aren't flat, but not well-rounded enough to the point where they feel like a different person. Well, it's time to stop posting mere villains for my Friendship Is Magic / New World of Darkness crossover, let's see the OC allies of the Mane 6! Name: D-39 Utgard-Loki (originally C-21 Garmr, but he changed it to reflect his...new understanding of himself.) Age: He was created around 20 years before the story, five years later he became sapient. He has the appearance and mannerisms of a middle-aged man though. Personality: Introspective, playful, and a bit amoral, Utgard-Loki is the epitome of the noble Centimanus, having made piece with the idea he will never be human and instead acts to point the way for those Prometheans who can be something more...though he makes it as clear as possible that it's going to be nearly impossible. For his part, he's contented himself with becoming an ever-improving version of his original purpose of being the ultimate security system, by becoming the Mysterious Protector of a town or city he's settled in before the Wasteland kicks in and he has to leave. Of course, he's also a bit overzealous, and there is that Torment problem, so his help is a double-edged sword. Abilities: As one of the Unfleshed, Utgard has all the Promethean standard fare, and is very experienced with Mesmerism, Disquietism, and Electrification Transmutations...as well as Pandoran. He also has a variation on the Lord of the Roaches Irradiation Transmutation as his Bestowment, giving him the ability to summon a seemingly-infinite supply of Combat Drones to fight and spy for him, and he has a device in his hand that turns him into a walking Hacker Cavern. Besides that, he's socially savvy and extremely focused on his goals, to the point of not having morals, just guidelines for what would make those goals pointless. Weaknessess: All standard Promethean weaknesses as well, plus the fact that, being an advanced Centimaus, he can't go out in public without being shot at (though he isn't nearly as ugly as organic Centimani-Pandoran Transmuations simply make an Unfleshed more obviously mechanical, like a cyborg, especially given his development). One of those weaknesses is moral, ironically-he thinks trying to control Pandorans, given his self-defined purpose of protecting organic life, is stupid. He's also very emotionally vulnerable (unsurprisingly, given his nature) and in particular hates being reminded of his demiurge, the only human he knew who was immune to Disquiet, and thus treated him like a person instead of a loathsome weapon. Waving this at him is quite risky, given Torment, but it does rob him of most of his faculties if Torment is indeed triggered and like all Prometheans sends him into a Heroic BSOD after it runs out. Goals: Perfect his understanding of himself as a monster to become a "Wolf of Gubbio", as he calls it-a monstrous protector of humanity. He also develops an interest in the Mane 6 for [MAJOR SPOILERS, THOUGH NOT GROUND UNTREAD] and as way to find out more about the God-Machine, which seems to be interested in our heroes. Motivation: Find a different way of being close to humans without being shunned and eventually killed due to Disquiet, since he's convinced he was "not meant" for the New Dawn (transmuting himself into a mortal being) thanks to Internalized Categorism. He later becomes interested in-many would say obsessed-with the God-Machine, which he becomes sure is planning an Assimilation Plot of some sort. He's right, but it's not that scary-the God-Machine simply plans to repair itself and rejoin with its lost components, ie humans and ponies. Think the Helios ending from Deus Ex; perhaps not the most palatable evolution of the species to many people, but not lacking in individuality or empathy-the traits we generally mean when we say "humanity"). Indeed, the reason why the Wounded World (ie, NWoD Earth is such a terrible place to live is because most of the God-Machine's "circles" (think the servers to its cloud computer) have gone haywire and went completely insane, from the merely Cloud Cuckoolander (Hecate), to the Ax-Crazy (the Adversary), to the downright megalomanical (At'Enar). Backstory: Before the Azoth turned him into an android, C-21 Garmr was the artificially intelligent (though not a true, sapient AI, just a really well designed program) Master Computer of the security system of the Helheim facility of Task Force VALKYRIE. One of the programmers, Dr. Adolf Abendroth however, was never satisfied with what was essentially a highly-complex early warning system, and kept on trying to make Garmr more and more like a tireless security guard that he became a demiurge and infused the main terminal and server with the Divine Fire, causing the security system to rip itself out and reconfigure itself as a humanoid android with the ability to summon the security drones that were originally linked to him out of nowhere. Of course, it ended badly-but not as soon as was probably the greatest for Garmr's sanity. See, his Disquiet is similar to the Tammuz, in that it impassions people to force him back into his original purpose. Since Garmr was fine with his original purpose of guarding the facility, this simply caused people to begrudge him his position despite hating his guts. The only person immune to this was his "father", who viewed Garmr as somewhere between an apprentice and a son. He taught Garmr about humans and Earth, which given his personality, was actually a pretty rosy and noble picture (though not naive-he admitted upfront that when humans go bad, they become the reason Humans Are the Real Monsters as a trope exists). Unfortunately, this made him curious, and the guards caught him trying to hack into the Internet to get a better picture of the world. Some Disquiet-fueled Insane Troll Logic later, the overseers of Helheim decided that Abendroth and his creation were plotting to take over the facility, and executed the good doctor in front of Garmr. It's also at that point that they discovered Garmr's Torment, reverting back to his original purpose of pursuing and destroying threats. One very collapsed Helheim and dead cell of VALKYRIE later, Garmr wandered off, looking for a new purpose. He encountered other Prometheans then, curious about this new Progenitor of a robotic Lineage, and taught him about the Pilgrimage to the New Dawn. Initially, he was resolute about joining the humans which he so admired...and due to a combination of Disquiet and realizing just how unlike him they really were, came to believe that while the Pilgrimage may be possible, it was not for him. Thus, he wandered off the path to humanity and onto the path of Flux...but unlike other Centimani, he did not develop a misanthropic streak, and in fact admits to still being as fascinated with mortals as most Prometheans-he just doesn't think he can become one, so he stopped trying. He hypothesizes that a progeny of his might, since they were created to become human rather than becoming an accident of technology. Hence, the renaming of himself to D-39 Utgard-Loki, after the Trickster Archetype giant king of Utgard (who is an entirely different person than Loki the Aesir). After all, the mythological Utgard-Loki was definitely not human, but Thor and Aesir-Loki learned something from his magical mischief, didn't they (namely, be sure to check the rules of the contest)? Before the advent of the story, however, he killed a man named Harvey Ecks, aka the Rest Stop Killer, aka the Driver. Ecks was obsessed with a vision he called the Dream Map, which he tortured and maimed people he was sure had Genetic Memory of in order to gain a more complete picture. After a long and grueling battle that killed Ecks slowly (albeit unintentionally-he was impaled on his own weaponized hood ornament), Utgard saw the Dream Map himself, and realized it was, in fact, the God-Machine's schematics. Knowing that the God-Machine has some link-and might even be-the Principle of Pyros, he's become paranoid of what it actually is, and even his self-directed purpose takes a backseat to categorizing and classifying a possible threat at times. Role in story: After the Mane 6 go to Earth for the first time (in human disguises, of course), he's one of the first people that detects they aren't human and begins to observe them, initially hoping to make some new Promethean friends but then growing understandably alarmed when he realizes they're aliens. Of course, then he sees what they look like under the human suits, and after a bit of an even more understandable misunderstanding ("yes, I look like your version of The Fair Folk, with giant metal tentacles sticking out of my back, but seriously, I'm not going to hurt you...please don't run"), they befriend him (being immune to Disquiet due to [MAJOR SPOILER]) and have him both as guide to Earth and first real "human" ally. He also serves to inject some more grey into the proceedings when he shows some of his frankly draconian measures to keep the peace...and how they often work. At the end of the story, I'm debating whether he regains hope and attempts the Pilgrimage again. Other Tropes:
edited 27th Nov '12 6:31:12 PM by Leliel
darthnazgulNot gonna lie, it took me a while to fully read that. Feels like there's a lot of story (well detailed, mind you) that I am not getting. More to the point of the character; He is pretty interesting, I especially like deconstructing and subverting Straw Nihilist. I also like the Torment idea. Just try and explain it in a bit more English next time. I'm thinking of posting a hero, or rather two. I was wondering if it'd be okay to do both of them at once, as they're largely [[Foil foils]] for one another.
My name is darthnazgul and TV Tropes has ruined my life.
Nice GuyI like him. There's a lot of setting detail there that I'm not familiar with, but from what I could piece together there he seems like he could be very interesting. I don't have a whole lot of specific points for you, unfortunately. Here's the main character of Remus. See also Seth Williams, as Seth figures pretty heavily into Ryan's... everything, really. Name: Ryan Davidson Age: Mid 40's Personality: Ryan usually presents himself as a fairly charming, laid back man, which makes for a somewhat startling contrast with what he does for a living. However, this is largely an act. Ryan's intentions are genuinely good, but he's also a shell-shocked man who feels that emotions ultimately get in the way of what needs to be done. Though he's hardly amoral, he's extremely vicious and will cross lines that the rest of his team won't without hesitation or regret. The only reason he bothers with the fake smile is that it makes dealing with people far easier. Abilities: Ryan is an incredibly competent soldier, trained to survive in almost any situation and cover most combat roles in at least a basic capacity. Thanks to his training, he's also able to take an immense amount of punishment without feeling pain and ignore non-critical injuries. He has some talent for manipulation, but just enough to keep himself out of harm's way. Weaknesses: Because the government is painfully aware of exactly who he is, he has to be extremely careful with who he lets see him. In addition, he's not a very good tactician - he's not creative enough to come up with the kind of tactics that the Resistance needs to counteract Seth. Fails to acknowledge that even if Seth prodded him a little, he ultimately made the choice to kill hundreds of people entirely of his own free will. Goals: Ryan shares the Resistance's belief in protecting freedom, but believes in a slightly more proactive approach than the resistance takes. His first priority is to kill Seth. This is far, far easier said than done. Motivation: Primarily does what he does because he believes it's necessary - not always right, mind you, but necessary. However, he also acts out of a desire for revenge against Williams for everything that he believes he was manipulated into doing. Role in the story: Serves as a footsoldier for the paramilitary wing of the Resistance. Backstory: Ryan served in the US army rangers and the Delta Force during the Second American Civil War. After a few years, he was handpicked for an experimental CIA program designed to produce small, independent teams to counteract the Partisans by any means necessary. The team was under the leadership of a then-unknown Seth Williams, and came to be known as the Butchers. Ryan had already been a fantastic soldier, but Seth's training turned him into a force of nature. Ryan and Seth quickly bonded, and the squad slowly gathered a reputation as some of the most dangerous people on earth. But as the war dragged on and the government's crackdown on civil liberties intensified, Ryan and Seth both began to change. Ryan began to question what exactly he was fighting for, and whether he was truly supporting his own ideals by backing the government. Seth, meanwhile, learned to enjoy the power that his position gave him over both the squad and the populace, and began to turn the attentions of the Butchers away from direct enemy confrontation and towards protecting the crackdown. He justified this by saying that rather than taking out individual cells and letting two more spring up, fueled by resentment and martyrdom, he was striking at the root of the problem. Ryan wasn't convinced. Eventually, Ryan announced his intention to leave the squad after one final mission. Seth seemed to take this well, but during the final mission, he trapped Ryan on top of a building that had been rigged to explode and attempted to kill him. Ryan barely survived the resulting duel, but was left with a large scar across his face from Seth's knives. When he got plastic surgery to change his face and enable him to go into hiding, he requested that the scar be kept as a reminder to himself of what Seth had done to him and to the country. During the seventeen years between the end of the war and the start of the plot, Ryan worked as an arms dealer. He largely supplied guns to the Resistance, but occasionally sold to less scrupulous individuals to make ends meet. He largely lived on the street or squatted in bombed-out apartments, occasionally getting help from another ex-Butcher who'd been sympathetic to him and had set up shop as an information broker. Relevant Tropes:
edited 6th Dec '12 2:00:42 PM by KyleJacobs
Read Remus! Has nothing to do with wolves.
Tolkien freak@Kyle, Ryan sounds pretty interesting, so I might just read that. Here's Che, hero of Cuba Libre. Name: Che Guevara (yes, really!) Age: 14 Nationality: Cuban Ethnicity: mulatto (mixed-race) Personality: He's sarcastic, passionate about his ideals of social justice and a socialist government, and relatively friendly. However, he isn't afraid to tell someone what he thinks of their actions if he doesn't approve of them. Abilities: Can shoot, write and give speeches, play sports, and write and sing a bit. Weaknesses: Has severe asthma and a club foot. Goals: Wants to bring down President Cabrera of Cuba. Motivation: Loyalty to his guardian and a sense of justice. Backstory: He's a modified clone of Che Guevara, created to serve as an infiltrator for Eva (Evita) Valverde, a famous actress with dreams of becoming First Lady/vice-president of 22nd-century Cuba. He's grown up as normal as possible, working in Evita's kitchens as a servant from the age of four and getting an education. He faces prejudice and dehumanising treatment due to living in a society where clones and other artificial humans are treated as slaves and organ donors globally. The whole story's about his experiences of political intrigue and attempts to fight against government corruption through using a government radio show (and eventually getting his own). Tropes which apply to Che:
edited 27th Dec '12 1:33:26 AM by MorwenEdhelwen
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
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