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Tall, Dark and Snarky Writer
/ Graphic Designer
/ Voice Actor
*Takes a deep breath*
Hi there. If you're reading this, you probably have too much free time. Fortunately for you, so do I. So here's a bit of information about me.
I'm a student who's always had a passion for fiction - books, movies, whatever. I look for works that do something creative and show me something I've never seen before. So, when a girl I was dating told me she was into anime and manga and recommended that I start reading Fullmetal Alchemist
and watching Baccano!
, I got completely hooked. I've recently taken up a mild interest in tabletop gaming after reading Erfworld - the creativity required to think of the ending to book 1 made me look for a situation in which I'd have to exercise that kind of outside-the-box thinking for myself. These days, my downtime is spent serving as the film critic for my college's paper, playing guitar, writing songs, running a Legend campaign, designing Legend's official character sheet, GM screen, and other visual aids
, and dealing with school.
I'm a Serial Tweaker
, an Eclectic
, and a proud member of PLATTER
. I'm currently floating around the Tabletop Games sub forum.
Those of you familiar with the awesomeness that is DOUBLE K
may have seen a little video
I threw together that Captainosaka was nice enough to feature.
I provide examples of:
- The Anti-Nihilist:
- Badass Beard: I certainly like to think so, anyway. Also shows up a lot in my work.
- Badass Longcoat: I have two, both of which I chose specifically for this effect. They are also Awesome Yet Practical in the New England winter.
- The Bartender: Slowly but surely building up this reputation.
- Berserk Button: Several, but the only one big enough to effect an actual immediate personality change is defective tech and/or badly written instructions. If I'm trying to do something, the instructions aren't working, I can't Macgyver a solution, and other help is not forthcoming, I go from my usual laid-back Nice Guy self to being an impatient short-tempered Jerkass in 10 seconds flat. And I flip back just as soon as it's working again.
- Big Ol' Eyebrows: They have been mistaken for caterpillars. Runs in the family.
- Bi the Way
- Brief Accent Imitation: I slip into this far too frequently for my own good. The fact that I'm not nearly as good at it as I like to think I am doesn't help.
- Casanova Wannabe: On the one hand, by any reasonable standard, I have a pretty decent sex life. On the other hand, when you compare me to the people I spend my time around, one of whom is essentially the long-lost child of Ferris Bueller and Flynn Rider, and compare where I am to where I'd like to be...
- Chivalrous Pervert / Ethical Slut: Somewhere in the middle, depending on how much action I'm getting at any given time.
- Do Not Call Me Paul: There are about ten people on earth who I allow to use the unshortened version of my real first name, and all of them are blood relatives. Anyone else who refers to me with that name will make me very unhappy with them.
- Ear Notch: I'm not sure if I was born with it or if it's the result of an incident with my cousin when we were very young, but either way, there's a noticeable chunk missing from my right ear.
- Evil Laugh: Mine scares children. Only when I want it to, though - my real laugh is much more jovial.
- Fatal Flaw: SLOTH, to an absolutely ridiculous degree.
- Fiery Redhead: Sort of.
- For Happiness
- Game Master: Well, yeah.
- Generation Xerox / Identical Grandson / Like Father, Like Son: My father's side of the family has some damn strong genes. Pretty much every single physical trait I have also appears on him. The exceptions are hair * , height* , and the specific details of our individual vision problems * . We're both avid readers and movie buffs, with similar taste in music (although I've always been willing to go heavier than him).
- Good Parents: I couldn't ask for better.
- Grammar Nazi: I'm not that anal about it, but a really easy way to get me ticked is to screw up its/it's, their/there/they're or say would/could/should of. Really, internet?
- Hates Being Alone: There is a very good reason that ignoring me is listed as my Berserk Button.
- He Cleans Up Nicely: 90 percent of my wardrobe consists of T-shirts and jeans. The rest contains some very, very nice suits that I look very, very nice in.
- I Can't Dance
- Keet: I've been known to get pretty good vertical airtime when I get excited about something.
- Large Ham: When I want to be. Case in point.
- Limited Social Circle
- Loud of War / Make Me Wanna Shout: I'm certainly capable of this; see No Indoor Voice below.
- Man of a Thousand Voices: Let's see... I can do three distinct types of Guttural Growler, the Gollum voice, the Stitch voice, Mr. Burns, Marge Simpson, Riff Raff, three types of Fake Brit, Fake Russian, a decent Southern drawl, a bad Scottish accent, an even worse Irish accent, a decent impression of Spongebob, and a few more that aren't based on anything but my sheer desire to be annoying. This made me one of the go-to guys for reading dialogue in English class, at least until the incident detailed under Sir Swears-a-Lot happened.
- Martial Pacifist: My philosophy on violence. It definitely shows through in my work.
- Metal Head: Although it's worth noting that outside of an appreciation for horror movies, an incredibly in-depth knowledge of the genre, and a few mild Nightmare Fetishist tendencies, I don't fit the stereotype at all.
- Stop Being Stereotypical: And I tend to have this reaction to the ones who do - I get enough crap about my tastes without these guys forcing me to explain to everyone else that they're heavily in the minority.
- Motor Mouth: Whenever I get very involved in fixing something, I pretty much become this. Also, this.
- Multicolored Hair: It's a mixture of Ginger and dark brown, with a jet-black stripe running down the middle of my beard and equally black eyebrows. All of this is completely natural.
- Myers-Briggs: Textbook INFP. Literally everything in this article (aside from family conflicts) is 100% accurate.
- Nightmare Face: Capable of pulling an incredibly creepy one.
- Nightmare Fetishist: Not to the extent of most, but I am fascinated by the macabre and enjoy scaring the shit out of people considerably more than is likely healthy.
- Noodle Incident: At present, there is a full deck of playing cards glued to my ceiling. Not even I know why I decided to put them there, although the most likely candidate is Alcohol-Induced Idiocy.
- Pigeonholed Voice Actor: Psychopaths, teenagers, and psychopathic teenagers.
- Real Men Wear Pink: I firmly believe this - not that I'd ever follow the trope name literally, but that's just because I don't think I look good in the color.
- Ridiculous Procrastinator: Oh dear lord, where do I begin with this one...
- The Roleplayer: With a dash of The Loonie.
- Sad Clown: Used to be one. I keep up the clowning these days, but I've gotten much happier.
- Serious Business: If I decide to get involved in something, it instantly becomes this.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Again, considerably more so in real life than online. Pretty much every session of my Legend campaign where I've been on the mic has qualified for Cluster F-Bomb.
- This has actually gotten me in trouble once in a while when I accidentally let myself off the leash. Most notably, I once translated the passage that gave us the name Country Matters into modern English. While keeping the vulgarity level roughly the same. In the middle of English class. While the teacher was present. To be fair, I did substitute a slightly less vulgar alternative for the big one.
- Sugar and Ice Personality: Most of the time, I consider myself pretty amiable, if a bit overly boisterous. Other times... not so much.
- The GM Is A Cheating Bastard: Homeboy here might as well physically throw his Legend handbook out the window if there's a high enough potential for something awesome to happen. -Exelixi
- Trademark Favorite Food: Rotates. At the moment, Mapo Tofu is in the top spot.
- Waistcoat of Style: I've taken to wearing them.
My characters provide examples of:
Altusholt (D&D 4E):
Campaign: The Golden Dragon
- Anthropomorphic Personification: Of heavy metal, explaining his Ethical Hedonist nature.
- Author Filibuster: See Berserk Button below
- Badass Biker: See below.
- Berserk Button: Don't force your will on people, and don't hurt kids.
- Also, don't try to tell him that Heavy Metal is based on hate / anger / rage. He shares this one with me, and one particular incident resulted in the following rant:
"A great man
once said, "If Heavy Metal
ran the world, there'd be a lot of songs about war and a lot of songs about death, but nobody would actually die
. You lost because you thought what we do is about hate. It's not. It's about love - loving people enough to open yourself up to them, loving what you do enough to share it with them, loving yourself enough not to care what anyone else thinks of you for it. Every time I go on stage, I see the audience coming together to share something that makes them happy. I see my band acting as a single unit to do what we love, what we're passionate about. I don't see hate, or violence, or evil. I see joy."
- Blood Knight: Depends on his mood. He enjoys fighting most of the time, but not enough that he won't prioritize protecting innocents. And if you manage to piss him off...
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Despite the fact that he's got a screw loose, he's an incredibly competent fighter and a damn good musician. Also capable of giving some surprisingly good advice when necessary.
- Casual Kink
- Chivalrous Pervert
- Cool Bike: It's the one from Painkiller's jacket art. If you don't know what that is, then observe.
- Crazy Awesome: The aforementioned insanity is also what results in him riding such a cool bike and coming up with metal several centuries before its time.
- Ethical Hedonist: With heavy emphasis on the "Hedonist" part, but he's also quick to get serious and do whatever he can to help someone who needs him. He is, at his core, an entertainer.
- For Happiness
- Friend to All Children: Yep.
- Hell-Bent for Leather: Spikes and all.
- Instrument of Murder: The Axe of Fate is also a literal axe. That is on fire.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Pretty much his defining trait. Usually an amoral, hedonistic jackass, but if someone's actually suffering he's the first to get serious and unleash the righteous fury. He's also The Medic.
- The Medic
- Memetic Sex God: This actually wasn't my idea - we needed a reason for a certain monk to stay with the party, and everyone simultaneously concluded that Alt was good enough in bed that said monk would be willing to stick around.
- Metal Head: No shit. That said, he does actually play other styles when the situation calls for them.
- Nightmare Fetishist
- The Power of Rock
- Special Snowflake Syndrome: Amazingly, not an intentional victim of this. The conversation that led to his creation went like this:
Me: What's the one-sentence setting description?
GM: Medieval Japan, but fantasy version.
Me: Awww, there goes my heavy metal Tiefling bard idea.
GM: Actually, I'll let you do that.
- Tranquil Fury: Gets like this whenever he's sufficiently pissed off - which is pretty frequent, come to think of it.
- Wisdom from the Gutter: Any legitimate advice he gives is this, simply because it's coming from him.
Atwiless Habagabar, Lord and Master of the Duchy of Froofibowiway (Self-proclaimed) (Legend System)
Campaign: The Prisons of Drear
Things Mr. Jacobs Is No Longer Allowed To Do In An RPG:
- If I see signs of an impending boss fight in a tomb, I cannot open the coffins, dismember the skeletons, and shove the individual bones through a closed portcullis.
- I am not allowed to make choo-choo noises when the GM attempts to dissuade me from doing this.
- If my character attempts to reason a point, and has a high enough intelligence score that they can reason it well, the point may not be completely stupid.
- My tail does not give me +5 to acrobatics.
- Do not allow the party to split. EVER.
- I really should have learned this lesson after my first ever session left me stranded in a trap-filled room... while everyone else was fighting a boss. The fact that I kept failing my perception and thievery checks led to the following immortal line:
ITT: We all fight the boss while Kyle plays Nethack
- Not allowed to force the party into fighting in a cramped hallway just because I'm trying to keep the session moving.
- Especially not when they are all level one and are dealing with a level four barbarian. It's worth noting that this would have been balanced in their favor if not for the fact that they were trapped in a hallway.
- Not allowed to cannibalize NPC names from whatever I have lying on my desk.
- If the campaign is set in feudal Japan, I am not allowed to play as a Tiefling heavy metal bard whose guitar is also an axe and on fire. Because he's underpowered. Skalds, however, are fine.
- Said skald does not know the spell "Summon Groupies".
- Just because I can one-shot half the party does not mean I should take on a boss on my own while everyone else stays back fighting minions. Especially when I'm the squishiest member of the party.
- Smite Evil cannot be used against abstract concepts.
- I am not allowed to declare the party's absentminded old wizards lengthy monologues as Evil and smite them.
- No longer allowed to start singing "With Catlike Tread" any time the party fails horribly at being stealthy.
- My paladin is not a member of the church of the Most Holy DM.
- Not allowed to play a character without a solid grasp of the concept of "Around".
- I am no longer allowed to play an omniglot just because I took "Good With People".
- "Peasant" is not a separate language and if it was I would not speak it.