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But the crumbs… remembered.

This page covers the Parliament and their minions; both their willing accomplices and unwitting pawns, and even characters from their storybooks.

WARNING: Unmarked spoilers below!

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The Parliament of the Old Flesh

Family 2


A mysterious interdimensional organization that seems to have close ties to Fern's son. Very, very long ago, they used to be the crumbled remains of an unfathomably ancient lifeform.

  • Absolute Xenophobe: The Parliament loathes all things which are not also of the Old Flesh, which they refer to as the "Neoflesh."
  • All for Nothing: What they want is basically impossible, because it is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of what they really are. Even if they manage to reassemble reality as we know it back into the original being, it will just die and break down into the new reality again, because that was the primary nature of its existence in the first place.
  • Animal Motifs: Crabs, alluring to their affinity for reality-infecting cancer.
  • Apocalypse How: They plan to enact an Omniversal 404 by essentially causing what amounts to a reverse Big Bang.
  • Assimilation Plot: Omniversal assimilation of everything in the multiverse into a single "unisentience" is one of the Parliament's larger goals. They have a big problem with individuals and individuality.
  • Big Bad: These guys are Fern's ultimate enemies and are responsible for nearly every bad thing going down around her, including infecting her son with the Old Flesh's corruption and slowly, systematically fusing the multiverse together.
  • Big Brother Is Watching: The "SOON" message the Parliament left for Fern in her Hospital exam room is them openly admitting they're keeping tabs on Fern. What's more, it's doubtful they'd have gone to the trouble of writing that message upon an unremovable metallic plaque note  if they weren't aware of note  the Commentators and their kleptomaniac tendencies.
    • They also seem to be aware of the Commentators' powers to give Fern suggestions, hiding their threatening ad against her when the Commentators were trying to warn her and even cheekily winking at the audience when Fern looks away again.
  • Blue-and-Orange Morality: They really view the idea of going back to a simpler time (i.e. when there was nothing existing but the Old Flesh) in supremely high regard. It's just that to them, the best solution is to essentially fuse the entire Perception Range together to try and remake the Old Flesh. Also, they hate things that are not of them, especially if they're artificial.
  • Boomerang Bigot: They hate everything with a separate existence, themselves included.
  • Can't Kill You, Still Need You: They plan to use Fern's son to revive the original being, which will destroy the entire multiverse in the process. Most of them do not like Fern messing with their plans, but they can't use their Perception Filter on her or let her unexist because she has a direct connection to her son, which would make those things affect him as well.
  • Color-Coded for Your Convenience: While the Parliament themselves are all stony grays and browns you'd expect of stalagmites, there is a specific shade of red that's come to be associated with them; a red-tinted picture of bacteria under a microscope.
  • Connected All Along: The first time we see The Parliament, it looks like they might be some disconnected bit of quick, random spookiness, à la everything in the Grinch's Paraphernalia Wagon. Nope.
  • The Evils of Free Will: These guys detest individuality itself and plan to fuse the multiverse together into one single living entity, identical to its original state.
  • Evil Luddite: For all the hatred the Parliament directs at those of the "Neoflesh," they at least seem to respect them for being flesh-based and organic. But inorganic objects and beings just absolutely offend the Parliament's thoroughly Biopunk sensibilities.
  • From Nobody to Nightmare: If we take the storybook at face value, these ominous multiverse-destroying entities apparently originated from the crumbs of a sapient birthday cake. A cake that wouldn't have looked out of place right in Hello Kitty!
  • Given Name Reveal: The Periphera IV conversation reveals the names of the Parliament's members. Drainflunk is the leader. Redbert and Wallflap have their own sections, just below. The Parliament consists of VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV, Skleper 2, Scarbox, Arm Chorus, 95-zeedje, and Seeping Undulator.
  • Gone Horribly Wrong: The thing about them that is most dangerous is not the goal they are trying to achieve. It is how completely disastrously their experiments go awry as they try to achieve their goals.
  • Knight of Cerebus: While most of the other characters and antagonists are treated with some silliness and comedy, these guys are treated with complete seriousness. Whenever they are involved, expect the light-hearted, wacky atmosphere to go down the drain and the stakes and immediate danger to Fern to skyrocket.
  • Not-So-Omniscient Council of Bickering: They're mysterious entities who want to return all of existence to the Old Flesh, but some of them still skip meetings for reasons as trivial as pique over having to bring their own snacks.
  • Oh, Crap!: Wallflap, the most lackadaisical of the Parliament seen so far, barely holds it together when the Commenters tell him there are dolphins about.
  • Omnicidal Maniac: The Parliament longs to eliminate everything that isn't them, fast.
  • Omniscient Council of Vagueness: All we know with absolute certainty about the Parliament is that they're a malicious bunch.
  • Organic Technology: They use perversely biological mimicries of modern-day necessities and electronics to assist in their schemes.
  • Mistaken for Granite: As it turns out, the Parliamentary members are only "rocky" on their exterior. Inside, they're quite fleshy.
  • The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: The Parliament are aware of The Commentators and do NOT approve of them, or the "behavioral eccentricities" they tend to inspire. They refer to Commentators as "buzzers." Whenever possible, the Parliament will quarantine and extinguish buzzers, along with the people they're "corrupting."
  • The Power of Hate: The Old Flesh was reduced to nothing but crumbled fragments and died in a state of uncontrollable anger and hatred. Somehow, the largest pieces grew upwards into ominous stalagmite-like formations, remembering that hatred.
  • Unseen Evil: Even though their names are revealed over time and we get glimpses of their silhouettes, (and even outright see what certain members look like) they remain shrouded in mystery and largely unknown throughout the comic's storyline.
  • Secret Other Family: Every page in Awful Hospital isn't just numbered, but cleverly titled as well. The Parliament's debut comes on page #184, with them looming over the crib of Fern's baby. Scroll down the webcomic's archive and see for yourself what #184's been titled.
  • Synthetic Plague: Crash explains that the Parliament's trying to engineer a highly contagious disease capable of infecting reality itself; everything organic, inorganic, physical, non-physical, and everything in between, and later on it's revealed they've successfully staged a lethal pandemic in Fern's universe.
  • The Stoic: They usually show nil emotion, although Wallflap seems more bored than anything. Drainflunk in particular expresses himself by announcing that "this unit is experiencing a negative emotional reaction." However, he also swears when he hears that the Hospital is causing them harm.
  • Time Abyss: These things are older than existence itself, originating from the death site of a being older than... well, everything.
  • Tome of Eldritch Lore: The first snatch of concrete information about The Parliament comes in the form of an 11-page children's picture book Fern buys in an item shop. A picture book whose publisher chose to hire the same bookbinder that made the Necronomicon... with humanoid facial flesh peering out from the front cover. It was also originally chained up, and is known to have funny mental effects on its readers.
  • Tragic Dream: Even if they did revert everything back into the original being, it would just die and recreate reality again. And there's no guarantee the new reality would be the same or not. Also see All for Nothing above.
  • Weirdness Censor: Somehow, the Parliament has spread some sort of corruption that has made it so that Hospital staff members are utterly deaf to every mention of themselves.
  • Would Hurt a Child: In fact, children are their preferred targets, mostly due to how vulnerable they are.

The stalagmites' sinuous scarlet sidekick.

Fern's Son: hole frend

An enormous, silent red worm who ostensibly serves as the Parliament's eyes on the multiverse. He appears to be the Rod of Asclepius on The Hospital's door



A blob of pale flesh encrusted in bulbous sphincters, who observes the progress of the Parliament's experiments on reality.

  • Affably Evil: Wallflap is perfectly willing to have a civil conversation with Fern's buzzers, despite them having conflicting goals.
  • Beige Prose: Out of all of the Parliament Members, Wallflap speaks the most like a normal human would. He barely uses any Techno Babble words unless strictly necessary and seems to prefer more causal speech.
  • Drowning My Sorrows: Fern encounters him in the Plank Maze, drunk and venting out how lonely he is and how frustrated he is with his colleagues and their plans.
  • Gone Horribly Right: Wallflap is already starting to fear that their plans might work, but not in the way they hoped, and that an existence that was always separate from the Old Flesh might remain to threaten them.

Agents and Affiliates



When the slob made from Jay's left eye steps out of the room he was "born" in, he discovers this stranger awaiting him in the hallway. It introduces itself as an emissary of the Parliament, and seems to have appeared here for the sake of recruiting the young slob into the Parliament's service.

  • Blah Blah Blah: The young slob has no interest in hearing about the Parliament's magnificent rise and all of their fantastic plans for the conceptual range beginning with the fourth flaggelance of the gellatined minnowloss. So he mentally tunes out the Emissary's history lesson and quickly walks on past.
  • Electronic Speech Impediment: Has this when it first begins speaking.
  • Given Name Reveal: The first time the word "Parliament" is officially uttered In-Universe, is by this Emissary.
  • No Name Given: It's just an unnamed "humble emissary".
  • Organic Technology: It looks like a walkie-talkie formed of biological matter. As yet, it is unknown whether the Emissary is using this "walkie-talkie" to communicate with the young slob from a remote location, or if the Emissary is the walkie-talkie.

"*sigh* we go."

Jerry: "I'm still a thing. You're still a thing. Everyone else is still a bloody tedious thing so much. Ugh."

A little red thing that dwells in the flesh, providing the Eyeslob's first conversation page. Does not think highly of the Parliament or existence.

  • Absolute Xenophobe: When Fern asks him why the Old Flesh has to not only revive the original being, but do so in a way that will wipe everyone else out, Jerry condescendingly explains that as far as they are concerned, the original being is the only thing that ever should have existed. From their perspective, the mere existence of other beings, who are effectively their unwanted children, is Organ Theft.
  • Anything but That!: Fern and Magdolene threaten to surgically turn him into a spleen if he doesn't talk. That rather quickly gets his attention.
  • The Cynic/The Eeyore: Think very little of everything, including itself. Of note is that while he dislikes The Parliament and its actions he thinks going against them is utterly futile. At least he "didn't vote for them".
  • Ignorance Is Bliss: The way Jerry describes beings that are not of the Old Flesh. Having evolved far away from it, they are perfectly content being individual beings. But beings that are too close to the Old Flesh are stuck with the torment of knowing that they are broken Pieces of God, no matter what state of existence they are put in.
  • Swallowed Whole: Jerry and an Ottoman get eaten by one of the Abyss Dwellers in the same gulp.
  • Too Much Alike: There's probably a reason he really doesn't want to get turned into a spleen, what with the patient spleen also being The Eeyore.
  • Who Wants to Live Forever?: He doesn't want to exist, at least not as an individual being, but doesn't have a choice in the matter. Killing him will only result in two of him.

     The Ottomen

Clusters from the underblast through seventh-level exoduct coils are advised to be scrutinizing of potentially vexatious deviation from subgenesis protocol. A behavioral eccentricity indicative of buzzer corruption, Suspect clusters are to be reported immediately to your sector's ottoman for quarantine and extinguishment.

Commentator sensors which are stationed within Parliamentary territory.

  • Action Bomb: They are capable of exploding, blowing entire rooms to the Abyss, which will automatically happen if they get fed a Swarl Clister. Nevertheless, they actually can survive their own detonations, though they need a bit of time for their Healing Factor to kick in.
  • Airborne Mook: Ottomen float.
  • Combat Tentacles: They're quick, thick, and shoot out from inside an Ottoman's eyeball-mouth.
  • Expy: Of Evil Otto from Berzerk, although instead of hounding The Eyeslob endlessly, room after room, the Ottoman quits chasing him as soon as he'd fled from Parliamentary grounds.
  • Healing Factor: Even after self-destructing, the tiny fragment that's left can regrow itself quickly.
  • Nonindicative Name: The only part of their names that's meaningful is the 'Otto' part. An Ottoman is not a man, Turkish or otherwise. It's not even an ottoman.
  • Oculothorax: The Ottoman's "smile" isn't actually a smile. It's its eyelid shut. Though it is also the mouth.
  • Robo Speak: For a biological being, the Ottoman's dialogue would be equally suited for a killer bot from a 1950s B-movie.
  • The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: The primary function of Ottomen are to detect and kill Commentators, and the people whose minds they occupy.
  • Telepathy: Ottomen are able to scan brains. They're particularly on the lookout for Commentators.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Isaac throws a Swarl Clister at it, and it actually opens its mouth to catch and eat it.
  • Wake-Up Call Boss: For the Eyeslob. Up until encountering the Ottoman, the Eyeslob was able to traipse around the Parliament's territory completely unopposed.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: Swarl Clisters, a type of Old Flesh snack. If an Ottoman eats one, it'll initiate its self-destruct sequence.


     Vending Machine
How much for the alien child?

Fern: THE KIDDO, ya clownhonk! Spittin' image of 'er mama! Cough'er up and we ain'ts gonna gots no trouble, SEE!

A vending machine which was was keeping Nicole's daughter as its prisoner inside a Burgrr break room. Fern was able to identify it as an agent of the Parliament.

  • Eats Babies: Eventually, the Vending Machine would've sold Nicole's daughter off to some hungry Burgrr employee TO BE eaten.
  • Hidden in Plain Sight: Nicole's daughter, (the green thing in the top-right of the Vending Machine's window.) The Vending Machine was passing her off as just another snack available for purchase.
  • Invasion of the Baby Snatchers: It's unknown whether the Vending Machine, itself, actually snatched Nicole's daughter or another Parliamentary agent. Regardless, the Vending Machine has been keeping the girl as its captive.
  • Mechanical Lifeform: It's a living vending machine with humanlike teeth.
  • No Name Given: It's just referred to as "Vending Machine."
  • One-Hit KO: One slash was all it took for Fern to break the Vending Machine's window and free Nicole's daughter.
  • Noodle Incident: How exactly did Nicole's daughter end up in there? We don't know and it probably doesn't know either.
  • Shout-Out: To Invader Zim. The Vending Machine's last words before dying evoke those of Tallest Red, when all of the Massive's snacks were lost in "Dib's Wonderful Life Of Doom."
    Vending Machine: MY SNAAAAAAAAAAAAACKS! IT'S OOOVERRRRRRrrrrrr!!!....
  • The Mole:
    Fern: Who ya really working for, Bozo?! R.E.C.P...whatcha got, bro?!
    Polyp: Eh? Moi? Well, this joker hasn't got no colon but he sure smells red.
    Fern: Knew it! KNEW IT! This hunka junk's a Parleymint mole!!!
    Vending Machine: Clever girl.
  • Tempting Fate: When Fern demands it return the kidnapped child and exposes it as a Parliament mole, it asks her what she's going to do about it. She proceeds to draw out her sword and kill it.


    Red Blight
Green meets Red.

You step through the eerie, luminous opening, waves of nausea on a rampage through your guts...

When Fern and her corpse fauna friends blew up the polyp to nothing but smoke and cinder, giving way to an ominous red passage, the woman was not prepared for what was on the other side. What was waiting for the four girls was this titanic, seemingly infinite hall of flesh, apparently trying to recreate Fern and failing to do so, resulting in the abomination she sees before her eyes. It's eventually revealed to be a highly infectious super-disease engineered by the Parliament that can afflict literally anything, whether it be organic, inorganic, physical, non-physical, or in-between.

  • Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: Some of the "Ms. Reds" are literally mountain-sized, compared to Fern Green. One has an eye that looks to be the size of the moon.
  • Bigger on the Inside: The space which the red biomass occupies in the Inert Vessel is infinitely larger than it should have any right to be on a human body.
  • Body Horror: GOOD LORD.
  • Clone Degeneration: All of the Ms. Reds look like what might happen if cloning experiments were conducted in the heart of a nuclear reactor.
  • Eyes Do Not Belong There: With no shortage of Extra Eyes, to boot. There are also many other body parts where they don’t belong, such as mouths, heads, and hands.
  • Half the Woman She Used to Be: None of the Ms. Reds have formed anything that would go below a stomach, not even in the wrong places.
  • Meat Moss: What the red biomass amounts to. What's more, it seems to be slowly spreading throughout the Hospital, at a perception level invisible to most.
  • Prophet Eyes: Big, all-white, and wide open.
  • Rapid Aging: From huge, lively and smiling, the Ms. Reds can deteriorate into desiccated-looking corpses within an eye-blink.
  • Sealed Evil in a Can: Fern and her team needed to blow up a huge boulder of a polyp to first gain access to the Red Blight.

     The Slobs
Someone cue Yakkity Sax!

Dr. Balmer: Your ugly little friends spread fast, but I fear they haven't quite got the hang of keeping their disgusting "worlds" under proper control...

When Fern returns to the Morgue from the Inert Vessel, she is greeted by Balmer, who has good news and bad news. In the time it's taken her to step through the portal, it seems that the carrion-eating culture has developed into a full-blown empire. Its people, and the exvironator flesh they now feed on, have spread across every carcass of Fern Green throughout the Morgue. That's the good news. However, they haven't yet achieved proper mastery over the reanimated bodies, which have all mutated into these horrific, shambling, sharp-toothed beasts which seem to be the ultimate stage of the Red Blight's infection.

  • Animate Inanimate Object: The slob condition can be passed onto inanimate objects. They come to life as slobs.
  • The Assimilator: Their core purpose; slobs are biologically branchinations of the Old Flesh, and a slob infection completely overwrites the existing host's branch. As a result, they don't have cores, and thus, are more extensions of the Old Flesh than they are their own individual creatures and its desire to reabsorb all existence. However, Magdolene believes it's possible from the Eyeslob's behavior that they can develop cores and become independent.
  • Blank Slate: The way slobs begin life. They normally start out with no alignment to any side, the Parliament included. They are effectively equivalent to wild dogs, dangerous, but capable of learning and being domesticated.
  • Giggling Villain: Kinda. When slob infection reached a critical state, the Zombie Infectee enters a manic state, Slasher Smile and all, before they mutate. Subverted with the slobs themselves, as the antagonistic ones are dumb wild animals or otherwise serious - the only truly happy-by-nature slob, Isaac, is a heroic Cheerful Child.
  • Healing Factor: Given enough layers, slobs can grow back what they've lost. The Burgrr Zone takes advantage of this to "harvest" them.
  • In-Series Nickname: Jay was the one who first dubbed them "slobs". Fern went with it.
  • Loss of Identity: While slobs can develop intelligence, it's a completely separate personality than the infected they were born from; in fact, it's more than possible for a single branch of a person to be infected and become a slob while the rest of the person remains intact, and their mind goes to another self, as shown by Jay and Eyeslob/Isaac.
  • Non-Malicious Monster: The majority of slobs are starving animals who simply believe that food is where the Parliament or their agents point them at. More than once Fern has managed to scare one off peacefully, and Miss mentions a few of the gray zone slobs are pretty cool people.
  • No Zombie Cannibals: Averted Trope. Slobs will attack and eat each other.
  • Our Zombies Are Different: From all "traditional" zombies, and from one another, seeming to be themed after the most major health problem of the infected body they were born from.
  • Picky People Eater: Initially, Staph made it seem like the only things Slobs were interested in devouring were replications of Fern, herself. But they'll eat any human flesh regardless of its source.
    Staph: Regrettably, the Blight refuses to replicate outside your specific biomatter…
    • Maybe they evolved, or maybe Staph was simply mistaken, but it turned out they had a much broader diet.
  • Pieces of God: They are basically extensions of the original being, which is gradually returning to existence by replacing the current reality with pieces of itself.
  • Plague Zombies: The Red Blight's the plague in question, able to spread between corpses in separately-interred morgue drawers. It's also able to infect other beings, such as Jay, and even inanimate objects and machines, such as Crash.
  • Technically Living Zombies: Well, the red exvironator cancer is "alive." But note  a mindless thing like cancer has no humanity to it; not even the tiniest sliver of their hosts' previous memories remains in any of their animalistic brains.
    Staph: put it in terms you might understand, they are once again "living beings."
  • Tragic Monster: See... each individual slob represents its own "world" within the great "interplanetary empire", ruled over by Fern's friend, Queen Celia. And whole civilizations of sapient fungi, bacteria, and maggots populate each "world". Fern doesn't want to be a Mike Nelson, Destroyer of Worlds, but sadly, Celia seems to powerless to prevent her bloodthirsty "worlds" from attacking others.
    You don't really want any trouble...some of your best friends live in one of these things...boy that's a weird thought. Unfortunately, the "slob"... is approaching fast, claws and teeth bared as it gibbers and snarls.
    • Once Isaac joined Fern's team, killing enemy slobs became less morally problematic.
    Willis: He was hungry!!
    Fern: Things — er — people might be in there, though? I think? I met people who, um, kinda live in my......corpses.
    Willis: De...decompadosers?? Everybody's gots those. They're in our friend now!
  • Zombie Apocalypse: The ultimate goal of the Parliament is to use them to inflict a cosmic one, overwhelming the entire Perception Range and forcing a fusion back into the Old Flesh.


     The Old Flesh
…And there was NEVER EVER anything else. Everything was just fine.

Picture Book: The Cake enjoyed being the ONLY THING there EVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN. Until, without warning, it began to feel UNWELL. As the innocent, sweet cake grew increasingly ILL, things began being that were NOT CAKE.

A character seen only in a picture book, but one that hints to major backstory. A primordial being that existed in itself before the multiverse came to be and it slowly deteriorated over time, its remains changing into what is now reality as we know it... and the Parliament.

  • Absolute Xenophobe: In the storybook, the Old Flesh was highly distressed and offended by everything that wasn't itself. Probably didn't help that all those non-Old Flesh things were out to get it, though.
  • Allegorical Character: The storybook's an allegory. The Parliament didn't literally originate from a cake.
  • Anthropomorphic Personification: The concept of medicine herself reveals to Fern the Old Flesh was the concept of death, existing so that new things could form and exist in its place over and over again as it eternally rots away.
  • Blue-and-Orange Morality: It wasn't able to comprehend that something other than itself may exist, and felt such an intense hatred of the Zones because of this that its remains became the Parliament, running purely on The Power of Hate.
  • Eldritch Abomination: If it wasn't literally cake, then it was surely this. Probably it's this even if it WAS a cake. And if nothing alive has any idea what it truly was, who or what knows what it actually looked like? It's almost certain it resembled something closer to the Slobs, given how they seem to be living fragments of its body.
  • Emphasize EVERYTHING: The author of the Old Flesh's story does this to convey QUITE a BIT of the Old Flesh's INTENSE, HIGH-STRUNG EMOTION and DEEP, ABIDING RESENTMENT AT ALL THE UNFAIRNESS IT SUFFERED in the tale's written prose, combined liberally with Rainbow Text.
  • Grand Theft Me: In a sense. With the help of the Parliament, it is effectively trying to bring itself back into existence by replacing Fern's son with itself. It is also manifesting slobs in a similar fashion, by corrupting the very cores of other beings.
  • Make Them Rot: Like any normal real-life cake that's left uneaten for too long… cultures of microorganisms eventually settled upon the birthday cake, and it decayed completely as nature took its course. This is symbolic of the Old Flesh's slow, gruesome demise at the hands of time.
  • Nothing Is Scarier: Very little is known about the Old Flesh other than the fact it was represented by an anthropomorphic birthday cake character in a Tome of Eldritch Lore and its emblem adopted by the Parliament.
  • The Hermit: The very first thing we learn about the Old Flesh is how perfectly happy it was in nothingness and solitude.
  • It's All About Me: It was quite a narcissistic thing, and even that's pushing it.
  • Pieces of God: Reality as we know it was formed from its rotting, crumbled remains. The Parliament remembers this and regards this state of being as being fundamentally broken, and the Slobs turn out to be still-living fragments of its body, scattered across the multiverse.
  • Sigil Spam: Even outside the storybook, The Parliament seems to have adopted the Old Flesh's birthday cake self as their mascot.
  • Start of Darkness: Its whole story.
  • Time Abyss: If the book it appears in is any indication, the Old Flesh existed before existence was even a thing!

     The Very Hungry Grey Worm
They will try, but nobody will stop the hungry hungry worm...

Picture Book: In a horrible void on a despicable filth wad, there was an idiot green egg. One layer, a hungry little grey worm hatched from the meddling egg.

The main character from a storybook which the Eyeslob bought at a Parliament store.

  • Allegorical Character: Every bit as allegorical as the Birthday Cake. Deciphering the story's symbolism would lead an informed reader to conclude that the person the grey worm represents is none other than Fern's son.
  • Big Creepy-Crawlies: This worm reaches a gigantic size.
  • Evil Makes You Ugly: The more the worm eats, the more uncute, pimply, wild-eyed and monstrous its appearance.
  • The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: The storybook's final illustration shows the now-enormous worm ripping straight through the Commentators.
    Bogleech: (responding to a Commentator) ...Your connection to Fern and everything you've accomplished as commentaries could be "eaten."
  • Grimmification: Of Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
  • Hero Killer: It's shown to have devoured Staph and Celia.
  • Rule of Symbolism: Curious how the egg the worm hatches from is the same green as Fern. And that the worm would happen to be a grey worm. note  And that when the worm splits the egg apart, the egg is shown to be bleeding...
  • Turns Red: The worm starts grey, but rapidly turns Parliamentary red.
  • Villainous Glutton: It spends its story eating things and people all across existence while growing hopelessly bigger and more terrifying.

     The Immense Thing
Look upon me and despair.

Maggie: Our dear friend is in danger!

When Fern and her companions blew up the polyp, they ventured forth to see what it had blocked. Fern's three inhuman companions looked upon what lay on the other side, and declared it to be an exquisitely sumptuous feast. Fern rather disagreed. But when the poor woman fled the "banquet" and her feasting friends, this thing intercepted her.

  • Abnormal Ammo: This hairy abomination fires hairballs from itself like cannonballs.
  • All There in the Manual: Its image file refers to it as a "thing".
  • Color-Coded for Your Convenience: Brought to you in Parliament Red!
  • Disc-One Final Boss: The Immense Thing is the most daunting foe that Team Green battles in the Inert Vessel.
  • Eye Scream: When Maggie uses "Flytning Bolt" on its eyeball.
  • Giant Space Flea from Nowhere: How did this tentacular titan manage to sneak up on Team Green?! Especially after they had explored literally every nook and cranny of the Marrow Dungeon beforehand! In-story, it's acknowledged that this creature is not a natural denizen of this environment:
    Staph: ...this thing... it's like nothing I've ever smelled...
    Maggie: Sure ain't of the surroundin' tissue, that's fer sure.
  • Half the Man He Used to Be: Staphellie doesn't quite manage a complete vertical bisection of the Immense Thing. But she comes pretty close, and it's sufficient to end its life.
  • Hell Is That Noise: In place of Boss Banter, the Immense Thing spews out all sorts of nonsensical babble.
  • Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: See that green speck on the end of its tentacle? It's not a booger.
  • Kill It with Fire: Has a weakness to Maggie's "Flyerballs". And to Molotov cocktails.
  • MacGuffin Guardian: It housed the exvironator, the very thing Balmer has been searching for all his life — and what would eventually lead to the Red Blight spreading even further than ever before — hidden behind the ID card the surgeon Circula Tori left in the cadaver it was found in, apparently growing from the surrounding tissues.
  • My Name Is ???: In-story. The Commentators ended up coming up with the nickname of "Terrortoma".
  • Non-Standard Character Design: Because it was drawn by Bogleech's wife Margaret. The effect adds to the Immense Thing's alien, out-of-place wrongness.
  • Obviously Evil: Between the hellscape of bloody skulls, its sinister silhouette, and what it does to Fern… what more evidence do you need of its malice?
  • Spikes of Doom: To the point where its lower portion practically resembles a bramble bush, in silhouette.
  • Whip It Good: It can use its own nerves to lash its foes! Though this particular attack is a double-edged sword.
    ????????? SUFFERS RECOIL DAMAGE! That's what you get for hitting things with your own nerves!

Guess what, Jay? Everyone hates you right back!

Are you sure you want to click this? 
Isn't it all-too-fitting that such a crabby guy should transform into this?

Jay: Told you you'd just get me caught. The least you could help me do is bury this thing.
Fern: But I… she wasn't… "Bury?"
Jay: Yeah! You didn't know?! For some reason, if you bury something in the walls or floor, "off the map," I guess, it usually never comes back! …Nothing else even remembers it!

An extremely condescending and unpleasant fellow human patient whom Fern found in the Plank Maze within Dr. Tori's surgical ward. For a brief span of time, Fern followed him around. Just like Fern, Jay's an unnatural color and has been fleeing from the clutches of the Hospital Staff. It's currently unclear if he's the titular patient from "Doctor Phage's Hospital." His Hospital room is an unmarked and starkly dilapidated exam room located within the Plank Maze.

Special Note #1: The eye-based slob of Jay has demonstrated enough of its own unique individuality — separate and distinct from Jay and his fellow slobs — to warrant his own personal character entry. Tropes pertaining to him can be found here.

Special Note #2: For tropes relating to what Jay becomes after his Q-36 Procedure, please click here.

  • Absolute Xenophobe: Due to assuming that all the monsters are automatically, well, monstrous.
  • And Then Jay Was A Slob: Somehow, someway, mere minutes after he and Fern parted company, Jay's injured arm transformed into that of a Slob. His mind went right along with his arm. Fern rediscovers him in the organ bank, eating some Hospital worker's brain. He attacks her on sight.
    • It turns out that this happens to every version of Jay eventually, their own myriad injuries morphing into the most distinctive feature of each resultant slob. Jay's brief stint as a protagonist comes with a Sanity Meter that tracks the remaining time until his gruesome transformation.
  • Anonymous Benefactor: Although "benefactor" would certainly not be how Jay would describe this person... somebody with 'surgical clearance' admitted Jay into the Hospital without any surgical records and kept reviving him whenever he died. Was this benefactor a well-meaning soul, who only wished to see Jay cured? Or were there more sinister motivations at play, bringing this murderous man to a place with no shortage of victims?
  • Arc Villain: Of Phase 1, Chapter Three, alongside Crash.
  • Asshole Victim: There's no denying Jay is all sorts of horrible. There's also no denying he's suffered tremendous hell.
  • Badass Abnormal: Give this devil his due; he's not one to be trifled with. He's a practiced killer when human, and strong in some of his slob states.
  • Batter Up!: The weapon Jay wields for his final life cycle is a nail bat.
  • Battle Theme Music: "Boreworm Boss" from Splatterhouse 3 for his Final Jayslob form.
  • Body of Bodies/Giant Enemy Crab: His "Final Jayslob" form.
  • Body Snatcher: Jay's infection "snatches" his body as he transforms into a slob. It's unclear at what exact point in his mutations that Jay's "soul" gets snuffed out then usurped by a completely different slob-consciousness. But once this happens, Dr. Tori sets to work crafting Jay an all-new human body.
    • It's known that the "eye-based" Jay slob doesn't self-identify as being Jay… note referring to Jay as "that bad ol meenman!"
    • At an earlier point in time, Jay once got killed by a foot-based slob of himself.note 
  • Bottomless Magazines: Jay doesn't really keep count of how many bullets he has left… and he almost doesn't need to. Almost.
    Commentator: …The gun has to run out of ammo at some point… right?
    Bogleech: At Awful Hospital, guns only run out of ammo when you don't hope they will.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Bogleech has stated that Jay's handgun was the same one Fern could've gotten from the Crooked Spine very early on in the story. Back then, though, it was unloaded and had no trigger.
  • Color-Coded for Your Convenience: Jay's got a blue-tinted version of the "bacteria under a microscope" texture coloration Fern has.
  • The Corruption: He periodically transforms into a slob, reverting back into his normal (if blue) form after being killed and "resurrected" by Tori. He even gets an infection meter in his own pages.
  • Crazy Survivalist: Jay consistently relies on stealth and ambushes to get around the Hospital. He's willing to eat food more suited for nonhumans in the name of staying alive. And yes, Jay isn't playing with a full deck, which is only exacerbated all the more by his slob condition.
  • Deader Than Dead: He knows how to cause this — by "burying" the corpses of those he killed in the corridor maze. Since he's more than willing to kill anything he perceives as a monster, this can be a problem for Fern.
  • Diary: He's written a journal. It's also possible he may have written the "Dr. Phage's Hospital" story.
  • Determinator: If his journal is to be believed, Jay has kept going through tens of thousands of loops and horrible deaths. He's running off little more than raw spite at this point.
  • Dirty Coward: When Jay senses he's in trouble, he'll try to turn someone else into the fall guy. And he does it with all the grace of a panicked kindergarten-age brat.
  • Establishing Character Moment: On his debut webpage, Jay kills a monster. The very next page he appears in, Jay treats Fern very rudely.
  • Evil Counterpart: Jay is what Fern would be if she had absolutely no nobility to her.
  • Explosive Stupidity: Final Jayslob is able to produce "Slobbombs" from his body. Rather than throw them at his enemies from a distance, he lets them explode right next to himself. And thanks to Willis' Shield ability, he ends up hurting himself a LOT more than his targets.
  • False Memories/Weirdness Censor: Very strangely, with each new surgery Tori performs on him, Jay keeps getting his old handicaps fixed, only to wake up with a different body part injured, and even more strangely, a different weapon. He remembers it as the only handicap/weapon he's ever had, but other characters seem to remember his previous versions. Also, Jay cannot see any of his blueness, (similar to Fern, with her greenness.)
    • Additionally, there's the strange fact that Jay can remember Fern and her kidney stone killing him, but NOT that he, himself, had mutated into a slob at the time; effectively forcing her to kill him in self-defense!
  • Fantastic Racism: While Fern tries to see the humanity, (for lack of a better term,) in the Hospital's monsters and get along with them, Jay explicitly doesn't see them as people.
  • From Nobody to Nightmare: Before he was brought to the Hospital, Jay worked some kind of regular white-collar office job back on Earth.
    Your EQUATIONS never amounted to anything. You were a wiz back at the office, but nothing seems to work the same in this world.
  • Gone Horribly Right: In a Meta sense. Bogleech set out to create a truly repellent human being with Jay. He succeeded so well, that it repelled some of Awful Hospital's readership!
    Bogleech: Some people have also stopped reading entirely because they've felt that the surgical ward has not only taken too long (and I kind of agree), but that it's been too grim, too depressing, and Jay too unbearable even as an intentional bad guy.
  • Green Around the Gills: Well, blue around the gills, anyway. Though much like Fern, whatever his blueness represents, it's asymptomatic.
    • His slob infection, however, is a completely different story.
  • Guys Smash, Girls Shoot: Inverted at first, averted when he "switches" to a machete.
  • Handicapped Badass: Incredibly, Jay cycles through handicaps whenever he dies! But it never hinders him from slaying monsters, no matter what part of him is crippled.
  • Hate Sink: He's a realistically unpleasant and harsh guy to contrast with the antagonists so far, which are much eviler yet very wacky and inhuman. Also, Bogleech admitted he's meant to be irremediably hateful.
    Bogleech: He is basically all the characters AND real people I can't stand rolled into one... I can say I modeled this guy after character tropes I hate... I find nothing particularly unfair about people joking we should kill him.
  • Hero of Another Story: He may not be as directly tied to the Hospital's machinations as Fern has found herself, but he's been stuck there much longer than her. Also, it's possible, (though not officially verified,) that Jay might be the "hero" of Dr. Phage's Hospital. note  Consider, also, this Word of God response to Jay/Fern Shipping, before we really got to know him;
    Bogleech: Everything I could say to the people wanting to ship this guy with anyone, hoping he'll be representative of anything good, or crushing on him themselves… I guess re-read the original Phage story and decide for yourself if that guy sounds like he'd be any fun at this point.
  • Horrifying the Horror: Jay comes to honestly fear Fern as some out-of-control homicidal maniac with knowledge of how to permanently end his life. Though you can credit this to Crash purposely giving him a warped version of the events that happened to his previous iteration.
    She's out there, that woman. Unstoppable, bloodthirsty. So terrifying she's got monsters on her side… And she knows how to undo you if she ever decides she needs to. For good. You told her how yourself.
  • Horror Hunger: The closer Jay gets to becoming a slob, the more appetizing food-man-was-not-meant-to-eat appears to him.
    The babbling thing reminds you a lot of the jellybabies, but larger, chunkier, and smellier. Significantly smellier. What's that smell remind you of? It's somehow giving you an appetite. Weird.
  • Hulking Out: His '????' option in combat, which seems to be triggered whenever he gets especially emotional. He blacks out when it happens, and chalks it up afterwards as "not knowing his own strength". Oh, and it depletes his infection meter.
  • Instant Expert: Whatever all-new weapon Jay wakes up with in his inventory, he's already a master at wielding it. And why wouldn't he be? In his mind he's been using it since day one.
  • It's All About Me: The one and only person whom Jay values at all is himself.
    Alright, Jay… what's the worst case scenario? You suppose it would be that you just saw your own version of your own world, and it's completely f@#%cked. Everyone and everything you ever knew might be gone.
    [long pause of thought]
    …THAT'D sure be a load off.
  • Jerkass: Jay's two most distinguishing personality traits are his violence and his loathesome personality. The latter actually supersedes the former: while Jay won't try to inflict violence on every single person, he will inflict his loathsomeness on absolutely anything that crosses his path.
    • He also appears to become more and more of a jerkass as his infection timer ticks down.
  • Lean and Mean: Jay's got a lanky build, and he doesn't lack for meanness.
  • Left It In: Originally, Bogleech was planning for The Hospital to be more akin to Silent Hill, in that it would feature several humans who all had severe personality flaws. Bogleech regards Jay as a holdover from this "beta version" of Awful Hospital, who nonetheless ended up being included in the webcomic's final draft.
  • The Lost Lenore: Deep down, Karen is this to Jay, in spite of their divorce.
  • Machete Mayhem: After being killed by Fern, he wakes up in his room without his gun. Instead he has a machete, and believes it to be the only weapon he has ever had in the hospital. He's VERY good at hacking up monsters with it.
  • Make Me Wanna Shout: In combat, Jay's valiant Shriek is capable of temporarily dropping enemy levels! His author has compared the sound of his screams to those of Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.
    • As his infection timer gets close to finishing, Shriek no longer makes Jay scream in terror. Instead, he loudly and angrily berates the enemy like a Grumpy Old Man.
  • Metamorphosis Monster: Whatever injury he has this branchination is the basis for his slob mutations when his infection meter hits zero. The resultant slob also violently mutates throughout the battle.
  • Mood-Swinger: Can go from mean-spirited snark to deranged excitement on a dime.
  • Mr. Exposition: A role he's played to many a grey-zoner, much to his annoyance.
  • Nonstandard Character Design: Not Jay, himself, but his "Final Jayslob" state. As with the Immense Thing, the "Final Jayslob" was designed by Bogleech's spouse, Revereche.
  • One-Winged Angel: Invoked by Crash who, as a last ditch effort to stop Fern from putting his core in stasis, breaks Jay's entire skeleton to turn him into a massive, crab-like slob.
    • Clipped-Wing Angel: Crash may have made Jay a powerful slob, but it also had the side effect of making the Final Jayslob rather fragile for a slob as well. The creature is tearing itself apart simply by standing still, which meant it took damage from every single attack, especially from its own slobbombs.
  • Orwellian Retcon: Jay originally demanded that one of the monsters he fought "Speak English!" However, this was considered to be hurtful rather than funny, so now he says something else.
  • Pajama-Clad Hero: As with Fern, the Hospital doctors also shoved Jay into a hospital gown.
  • Player and Protagonist Integration: During his stint as protagonist, The Commentators acted as Advisors to Jay, much as they did with Fern. But — while not downright mutinous — Jay was markedly less cooperative with the Commentators than Fern ever was.
  • Prematurely Bald: The front of Jay's hair is actually styled in a combover.note 
  • Prophetic Dream: Oddly enough, Jay gets one of these; dreaming of turning into a coffee monster right at the time Fern has arranged to have him swap cores with Chip.
  • Punny Name: He's a blue Jay. Get it?
  • Rogue Protagonist: Jay was already quite a rogue to begin with. But then he tries to hunt down Fern and kill her after his stint as protagonist, fulfilling the criteria for this trope.
  • Room Full of Crazy: Though he's got a notebook in his room, there's a load of tally marks and calculations on Jay's walls, as well as a drawing of Bill Cipher.
  • Sanity Slippage: Jay grows more deranged the closer he gets to becoming a slob again.
  • Screams Like a Little Girl: As mentioned under "Make Me Wanna Shout," his "Shriek!" command causes him to let out a "valliant wail" that de-buffs the enemy. This is an Evolving Attack tied to his current mood. When he's been freshly reconstituted, it's a squeal of terror, but as his infection meter depletes, it becomes a snarling rant.
  • Seen It All: He claims he's this, having died thousands of times and encountered numerous humans. His Trigger Happy panicking clearly suggests otherwise.
  • Slasher Smile: He grins disturbingly when discussing and committing murder.
  • The Smurfette Principle: Inverted. Of the four unambiguously human characters, Jay is the only one who identifies as male.
  • Something Only They Would Say: His first words are pressuring Fern to name any random date on the calendar, something only grey-zoners would understand. Even then, he only puts up with her questions as long as she doesn't slow him down.
  • Spear Counterpart: To Fern.
  • Suddenly Fluent in Gibberish: When Jay draws closer to becoming a slob, incoherent monsters suddenly become coherent to him.
    Jay used SLASH!
    Jay: (smiling evilly) You know...I never thought of it that way.
  • Superpowered Evil Side: A very inconsistent Zigzagged Trope, in Jay's case.
    • First played ramrod-straight with the "arm-based" slob which Fern battles: it's both superhumanly strong, and viciously intent on slaughtering Fern.
    • Then completely inverted with the "eye-based" slob Jay becomes later on. Not only does this version of Jay see itself as a "litul bebie slubbubbub" note  who isn't strong, but it's intent on helping Fern!
  • Swapped Roles: When Scissie and Scissane perform the Q-36 Procedure on his core, it pretty much spelled the end of Jay and his Hospital wanderings, as well as Jay's rebirth as "Joe".
  • To Hell and Back: Jay actually has succeeded in escaping the Hospital altogether more than once! But he's always found himself in some all-new zone which is even more intolerable to him, so he ended up returning right back.
    Jay's Journal: …I didn't feel like sticking around long enough to find out who or what lives in a city made of giant moldy feet.
  • Tomato in the Mirror: Inverted. Jay's slobs don't know that they used to be Jay, and in fact fear him as a hunter of their kind. Jay for his part is only aware that he occasionally blacks out, and believes that all of the other "humans" in the Hospital are actually slobs disguising themselves to eat him. He has yet to realize that most humans, including himself, deteriorate into these things due to being unable to handle the strain of being inside the Hospital.
  • Token Evil Teammate: Bogleech has stated that he straight-out wanted Jay to be a bad person who won't ever get any nicer to defy audience expectations and because he didn't want a repeat of Celia.
    Bogleech: Setting up a jerk character just for them to learn may be fun and all, but it's SO common that it's getting silly. I have genuinely started to miss villains who are just villains. We already had Celia, who literally murdered us dozens of times before she learned and turned completely around. Now it's time to do something else instead of repeating that whole act with a new coat of paint.
  • Transformation Horror: Jay's metamorphosis from human to slob does not look pretty or pleasant.
  • Trigger Happy: Shooting his gun is his default reaction when confronted with a nonhuman.
  • 20 Minutes into the Future: A page from Jay's journal shows that he hails from the year 2026. Bear in mind that Fern first arrived at The Hospital on August 1, 2014. (Well... at least on OUR side of the Fourth Wall.)
  • Unreliable Narrator: Jay's recollection of how things were like for him in previous lives cannot be counted on.
    …the MACHETE you found day one. Your only weapon. Always.
  • Unwitting Pawn: It's implied that Crash regularly messes with Jay and has been doing so for a long, long time. In their first on screen interaction Crash convinces Jay that Fern, of all people, is the mass murdering psycho by taking advantage of the fuzzy spots in Jay's memory.
    • More pressingly, The Parliament has their eye on Jay. It's possible that all Jay's murdering might well be secretly directed and influenced by them. Even if it isn't, it at least has their full blessing and approval. What makes this all the more disturbing is that Jay hasn't given any indication of being aware The Parliament even exists.
  • Villain Episode: For a time, the Commentators directed Jay's actions!
  • Virus Victim Symptoms: The closer Jay draws towards slobification, the more euphoric, vicious, demented, and hungrier he grows.
  • Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Jay has developed a fear of the sapient kidney stones. Learning that Fern has a kidney stone minion and that she succeeded in killing its enormous mother (when he couldn't), instills real dread within Jay.
  • Wrong Genre Savvy: Jays seems to see the Hospital as a "run 'n' gun" example of Survival Horror, where it's better to shoot first and ask questions later, rather than a Point-and-Click style Adventure Game where you need to collect items and negotiate. Highlighted nicely by the pixellated look the webcomic takes on, when he becomes the protagonist.
    Bogleech: Jay has a more video-game-like perspective.
  • 0% Approval Rating: Jay's automatic hatred of all nonhumans have left him quite friendless in this place. His treatment of his fellow humans is only slightly less abysmal... and even they're not safe around him.
    Bogleech: By now, he's probably made sure every monster hates him… or just finds him hilarious to mess with.
  • Zombie Infectee: Jay's doomed to transform into a slob with each new life. The infection point always seems to be whatever handicap he happens to be saddled with on that particular life.
    • Also, he wrongly believes all other human Hospital patients are the actual "slob infectees," not himself. That's probably why he's killed and buried so many of them.

     Two Unknown Murderers
Beware this gruesome twosome!

Chip: I b-b-believe there are at least two more entities contributing to these d-decommissionings, in a s-similar f-fashion to J-j-jay.
Fern: Oh. Great. You're saying we've got two more murderers, basically.
Chip: L-l-likely much more c-careful to hide themselves than old b-b-blue. Be c-c-careful.

Chip warns Fern that there are two more killers prowling the Hospital, similar to Jay.

  • Ax-Crazy: If their kill counts are truly on par with Jay's, then they are most assuredly this.
  • No Name Given: Chip didn't provide any names or identifying traits for either of these murderers. We don't even know if they're working separately or as a team!
  • Unwitting Pawn: It's possible that they're as "unwitting" as Jay was. Or maybe they'e completely witting, complacent pawns. Either way, Word of God attests they're "carrying out the Parliament's will."
    Commentator: Oh, murderers, huh?
    Bogleech: i.e. two people who aren't the parliament, but are carrying out the parliament's will

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