Thirsty?
Beings who dwell within The Cafe zone.
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Chip
What can he get you?
- Chip: M-m-mocha, eh? N-n-n-no p-p-roblemo!
A barista of Fluid State Comestibles Incorporated, note who works in a cafe right outside the lobby of Dr. Tori's surgical ward.
SPECIAL NOTE: For tropes relating to Chip after his Q-36 Procedure, please click here.
- Anthropomorphic Personification: Of baristas. Serving coffee, making the occasional mistake, and apologizing for said mistakes, are crucial for Cafe performance throughout the Perception Range. He isn't the original. The Parliament somehow forced him to take the job. He is quite relieved when he gets to return to his former position.
- City in a Bottle: Flair really doesn't let Chip leave his post…Chip: s-so... while we're asking q-q-questions.... ww-w-what's it l-like out there in the non c-c-c-cafe z-zones, anyway?
Fern: Oh... uh... it's... well... something. It's. Something.
Chip: W-wow! That m-must be p-p-pretty n-neat! - Cosmic Keystone: Believe it or not, Chip is this for the Cafe.
- I Taste Delicious: He's well aware of this, and freely offers what amounts to his lifeblood to any customer who'd ask for it... though Word of God insists that he never drinks his own mocha.Commentator: Ironically he doesn't drink coffee.
Bogleech: For him, that would be like drinking human blood, yeah. - Major Injury Underreaction: When pouring mocha from his own head into a normal cup, Chip screams out the sort of bloodcurdling shriek a human would give, if he were stabbing his own brain. Then he presents the cup to his customer with a merry "Enjoy!"
- Mascot: During his time as the barista, they had a drawing of Chip's head
on the canopy over the Cafe's entrance. - Nervous Wreck: Between the stammering and jittering and all the cracks in his head, it probably won't be long until he shatters completely.
- Non-Human Head: He has a badly cracked coffee mug for a head. Notably, this isn't actually attached to his body — he manually holds it a bit above where his neck would be.
- Passing the Torch: Chip very desperately wants out of his job. But he can't just leave; Dr. Tori must get someone else to replace him.Chip's Memo To Tori: I KNOW YOU SAID YOU JUST DON'T HAVE ANY DONORS I'D BE INTERESTED IN SWAPPING WITH, BUT I JUST REALLY NEED A BREAK FROM THIS POSITION. I'LL TAKE ANYTHING. I REALLY DON'T CARE.
- Power-Up Food: It's a one-time only deal, but Chip's mocha allowed Fern to level up, from Level 10 to 11.
- Punny Name: Actually, Chip's far more "cracked" than chipped. And now he's a computer chip.
- You, Get Me Coffee: Or whatever else you'd care to wet your throat with.
Flair
A smile like that really makes you want to tip your barista...
Are you sure you want to click this?
Service with way too many smiles!
- Flair: Chiiip, you're not bothering customers with your job-irrelevant thoughts again, are you?
The boss of the Cafe; a button pinned to the front of whoever's serving as barista.
- Admiring the Abomination: She adores dolphins for being so thoroughly evil.
- Ambition Is Evil: No matter why she's turning Slobs into her puppets, it's clear it's for her own evil sake.
- Ax-Crazy: It seems she's killed before, and would gladly do so again, except that profits come first.Joe: COME ON, FLAIR, DON'T YOU EVER GET THE URGE TO JUST... NNNNNGGGGG... JUST....' 'CUSTOMERS.... I DON'T KNOW, JUST, JUST RRRRRIP 'EM IN HALF?!
Flair: Well of course,'' but it's unfortunately proven... unprofitable. Work before fun, sugar. - Being Personal Isn't Professional: As her pull quote shows. She offers Fern a free drink of her choice for Chip's faux pas; Fern later made good on this offer after Joe takes over.
- Big Brother Is Watching You: Having Flair literally pinned to your front doesn't leave you with much room for privacy, if you work as her employee.
- Blatant Lies: She gives Eyeslob a bottle of "safe tea", which contains something that looks an awful lot like Flair as a Puppeteer Parasite. His infoid larvus quickly confirms that it's hazardous.
- "It" Is Dehumanizing:Flair: I'm so terribly sorry, miss. Our employee apparently thinks customers want to hear its problems.
- Greed: Flair continuously grows and more outspoken about how she feels your life is only worth sparing if you got money to spend.Joe: PLEASE CHOKE TO DEATH.
Flair: Now, sugarmush, we talked about this. Not until after we have all their money. - Mean Boss: Seriously, you try working for a boss that compels you to painfully pour your own cranial fluids for complimentary customer consumption, and never lets you leave your job site.
- Subverted with Joe, however. As Bogleech himself put it, she and Joe have a lot more in common. In any case, she's a lot more patient with Joe than she ever was with Chip and even calls Joe by pet names like "dear" and "sugar".
- Meaningful Name: 'Flairs' are decorations which people like baristas are obligated to wear as part of their uniform.
- Me's a Crowd: All Cafe employees get Flair badges pinned to their front.
- Miss Big: She's pretty large for a badge. Subverted later; once Flair is shown through Eyeslob's point of view.
- More than Meets the Eye: Flair's not just a bunch of badges, she's actually a huge parasitic lifeform hanging from the Cafe's ceiling, with her tendrils implanted in every one of her workers.
- Pet the Dog: Amazingly, she actually gave Joe a layer break as a reward for good behavior and told Fern to scram and leave him alone. Which might not seem like much but given who we're dealing with, is generous by her standards. One has to wonder if Chip ever had such luck.
- Puppeteer Parasite: She controls her workers by feeding them a "safe tea" infested with a parasitic larva of herself. It's assumed that after swallowing it, this larva matures and connects its host to Flair's main body in the Cafe.
- Slasher Smile: Instead of 'Don't Worry, Be Happy,◊' her grin is best described as 'Be Worried, TOO Happy!'
- The Starscream: Claims to be a member of the Parliament, but it's clear she actually wants to take them over for herself.
- Skewed Priorities: You might almost wonder if there the Cafe has a demographic which responds positively when baristas like Joe tell them, "I hate you." At least he pushes the club card on them!
- Took a Level in Jerkass: Not that Flair was all that great to begin with, but after Joe joined her team,◊ she put "SCRAM" and "ORDER AND GET OUT" in big letters right for all the Cafe's customers to see!
Joe
You'd be better off drinking the Neurotoxin than his Blackish Foam.
- Joe: WELCOME. TO THE CAFE. I HATE YOU FOR SOME REASON.
Flair: Now, Joe, we've talked about this.
Joe: Y...YES MA'AM. WELCOME TO THE CAFE. I HATE YOU. FOR SOME REASON. ASK. ABOUT OUR CLUB CARD.
Flair: See, was that so hard?
Chip's foul-tempered replacement.Special Note: For tropes relating to the man Joe used to be before his Q-36 Procedure, please click here.
- Admiring the Abomination: He talks about how a dolphin painfully ripped apart his previous self into bloody pieces and gushes at how cool it was, wishing he could be a dolphin too.
- Anthropomorphic Personification: Ends up taking the role of personification of baristas from Chip. Baristas range wide will probably be ruder as a result.
- Ax-Crazy: Whatever sanity he had back when he was Jay the human seems gone now.Joe: COME ON, FLAIR, DON'T YOU EVER GET THE URGE TO JUST...NNNNNGGGGG... JUST.... CUSTOMERS.... I DON'T KNOW, JUST, JUST RRRRRIP 'EM IN HALF?!
- Brutal Honesty: "I hate you for some reason," "Choke to death forever," and other such pleasantries.
- CAPS LOCK/Wanton Cruelty to the Common Comma: JOE SPEAKS HIS. DIALOGUE THIS WAY WITH WEIRD. PERIOD PLACEMENT. PROBABLY AS A RESULT OF. ALL THE COFFEE THAT NOW SERVES AS HIS. BLOOD.
- Cosmic Keystone: Joe inherited all the responsibility of being this from Chip. Meaning Flair's not letting him leave the Café anytime soon.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: There's a distinct possibility he enjoys being the barista... a little too much.◊
- Father Of A Thousand Young: Joe still suffers from his slob condition, even after the Q-36 Procedure. However, Flair has no problem subduing all of Joe's "young," slapping Flair badges on their bodies, and adding them to the Cafe's workforce.
- Going Native: The fact that he now uses non-Earth time measurements would seem to suggest this.Joe: FOR A QUASISPIRAL ONLY, EVERY DRINK INCLUDES A COMPLEMENTARY SAMPLE OF OUR BRAND. NEW. HOUSE FLAVOR.
- I Taste Delicious: Fern and her Commentators certainly don't think this at all about the Blackish Foam inside Joe's head-cup.The only thing you're certain of is that this will never enter your mouth.
- Laser-Guided Amnesia: It's unknown whether his Q-36 Procedure was slightly botched, or whether Flair subjected him to a memory wipe, but Joe doesn't seem to recall his old life as Jay. Nonetheless, he instinctively hates Fern on sight.
- Lethal Chef: Joe's Blackish Foam is outright poisonous to EVERYTHING. When Willis soaked the Bandages with Blackish Foam during Team Green's fight with Dr. Man, not only did it corrupt the Bandages' healing ability into a harming ability, but he eventually died from it. He still holds a grudge against Fern after being brought back to life.Dr. Man: His previous vessel... turned. He has had no difficulty adjusting to a replacement, as you have done innumerable times yourself, though he found your tactics... distasteful... and has articulated... colorful... opinions of your character.
- Mascot Villain: As with everything else, Joe assumed all of Chip's old mascot duties; his mug is over all the Cafe's canopies.
- Morphic Resonance: Even after his change, Joe is lanky thin, and although his body no longer has the "bacterial" pattern Jay had, Joe wears a blue-colored uniform and his cup-head is also blue. Even the neck brace Jay was wearing during his final life cycle "translated" to one of those "HOT! CAUTION!" covers that coffee shops put on their disposable coffee cups.
- Non-Human Head: His head is a styrofoam cup attached to his body with a neck brace.
- Poisonous Person: As mentioned above, the Blackish Foam which Joe naturally produces... isn't fit for consumption.
- Punny Name: Because it's apparently unacceptable for any Café worker's name to NOT be a coffee-themed pun.
- Redeeming Replacement: Nope. Between Chip and Joe, Chip was the better barista, and his mocha will be missed.
- Static Role, Exchangeable Character: To quote Word of God: "...it could have been far, far worse for Jay. SOME-body has to be the Barista, anyhow."
- Swapped Roles: Jay was swapped into Chip's role and species.
- Un Coffee: His head fluid is "Blackish Foam", a grey slop that stinks like melted tires mixed with congealed bacon grease. It's apparently some Zone's version of coffee.
- The Unsmile: What a grimace!
- Unholy Matrimony: It may not be 'matrimony,' but Word of God says Joe and Flair are an item together!Bogleech: Fan canons already existed that they had a relationship like that and it really only seems natural. Joe/Jay is that type of person who practically craves being miserable and will jump on the tiniest excuse to hate someone and complain about something, while Flair is a power-crazed greedy parasite. Together, they each make the other feel very fulfilled, but also keep each other from really bothering anybody else.
- Walking Spoiler: His existence pretty much spoils what Jay becomes post operation.
- Was Once a Man: Joe was once Jay.
