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Webcomic / Ansem Retort

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The first strip. It pretty much goes downhill from here.

"Ansem Retort: Combining comedy and cancer into a delicious fruity mix."

Ansem Retort is a Black Comedy Sprite Comic wherein characters from the Kingdom Hearts series move into a Reality TV Show Mansion. Hilarity Ensues.

Warning: Ansem Retort may be considered offensive to Buddhists, orphans, homeless, fat people, New Yorkers, midgets, anyone affiliated with Reality TV, Oprah, Dr. Phil, Muslims, Catholics, Mexicans, Dick Cheney, the Republican party, the Green party, the Democratic party, God, Yaoi Fangirls, the 1927 New York Yankees, the Special Olympics, the Jewish, Sith Lords, Jewish Sith Lords, British royalty, the US military, Jesus, Jimmy Carter, Santa Claus, the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Walt Disney, the population of Florida, the country of Tibet, Keanu Reeves, fans of the movie High School Musical 2, Iron Man, Ozzy Osbourne, children whose parents are divorced, New Jersey, the Cable-Satellite Public Affairs Network, gays, pro-life supporters, and pretty much anybody who can be offended...Oh, and Canada.

Yeah, it isn't the nicest of webcomics out there.

Ansem Retort ended in December 2012. Author Duke had previously said that there would be No Ending, he'd just stop updating the comic when he was done with it, and that's exactly what happened. In May 2017, the website finally went offline, which means Ansem Retort is now only available through fan archives of the comic, like this one, or this one.

This comic provides examples of:

  • Aborted Arc:
    • The whole Roxas trapped in Sora's brain arc with DiZ and Deus. According to Duke, he has no plans of starting it up again.
    • There was also the thing with Skull-Fucky. The initial Season 7 arc was going to be based around someone looking for it. Then Duke took several months off writing the strip and forgot where he was going with the storyline, so he dropped it in favor of the time travel storyline - taking time to Lampshade it in the process.
  • Alternate History: Thanks to Xemnas' manipulations, Chicago got destroyed and Canada was the Soviet Union instead of Russia. Riku, Axel, Zexion and Marluxia went back in time and fixed everything.
  • And There Was Much Rejoicing
    Ansem: As you all know, the Kairi tragic death-
    Zexion: Tragic? We had a party, you were invited. You ate the "Hooray Kairi's Dead" cake.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: One of the current ads lists the vices of the comic: "Drugs. Murder. Politics."
    • And Larxene started revolutions in Egypt, Libya... and McDonalds.
  • Art Evolution: A minor example; after seven seasons, Duke finally uses a font that's not the infamous Comic Sans.
    • The font was made larger and became easier to read from #328 onwards.
  • Asian Speekee Engrish: Yuffie can speak proper English, but when she speaks in Engrish people always assume she knows kung fu.
    Sora: Please don't kill me, skank version of Jackie Chan!
  • Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence: Axel reaches "Reverse Nirvana" due to his mind being so filled with evil and chaos that he actually attains total inner peace. This makes him an evil Buddhist god with mind bullets and the ability to nuke cities at will.
    • And apparently, the only other person to reach this state was Black Mage.
  • Ascended Extra: Red XIII. And maybe Marluxia, who was Demoted to Extra and later managed to undemote himself.
  • Ascended Meme: Riku is a Time Lord and alcohol is his TARDIS. Axel even lampshades it.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Larxene.
  • Back-Alley Doctor: Zexion.
    Zexion: ...Whatever. Just place him in the operating room.
    Zexion: THE KITCHEN! Just throw his bloody corpse-to-be on the kitchen counter.
  • Back from the Dead: Matt, the demon Marluxia killed in Season One, returned in Season Two to referee the murder-off. Arguably, Darth Maul as well (he was killed in The Phantom Menace only to turn up alive and well in Ansem Retort). It was thought that this was done with Yuffie, but it turned out she just had an identical twin sister... also named Yuffie.
  • Batman Gambit: In one arc, Zexion tries to run for governor. To help him improve his chances, the rest of the cast decide to kill off his competitors. Aerith then comes up with a scheme to take advantage of Cloud's personal vendetta against Axel to trick him into going on a murderous rampage, which includes the Republican and Democrat candidates. However, there was a second third-party candidate, Cid, in the election - so they put Cid in the path of Cloud's rampage, only for Axel to appear at the last second and kill Cloud, saving Cid's life, thus marking Zexion and his cabinet as heroes; ergo, improving their chances of winning.
  • Bestiality Is Depraved:
    Sora: Where do mermaids come from?
    Ariel: Well, when a man loves a dolphin more than society says he should...
    • Also This. Then again, it's Larxene.
  • Big Bad: There have been various nemeses, but so far Xemnas appears to be the worst of them. Although depending on how you look at it, Ansem could be the Big Bad behind the main cast.
    • Ansem is not really pushing destruction or anything, he just wants ratings and does not care how they get them. It could come from Axel gutting Orphans, or the publicity gotten from buying out the rights to Watchmen. Really, his biggest claim toward this trope is the fact that he brought the cast together.
  • Black-and-Gray Morality: The closest we have to someone who is 'good' is Naminé, and she works for Zexion's administration. Sora's too stupid to know right from wrong. Riku, Kairi before she got killed, and maybe Marluxia are more neutral than evil, but everyone else? ...yeah.
  • Black Comedy:
    • The number of strips before a burning orphanage is Played for Laughs? 0.
    • Not to mention the 'Spock Diet' Zexion has Sora on, which consists of DEAD BABY SMOOTHIES!!!
    • Exaggerated when Axel feeds Sora the fetus of his and Aerith's child!
  • Black Comedy Rape: Naminé has the alcohol tolerance of a baby otter, and passes out after a single hard lemonade. Zexion offers to sell her body to Aladdin at a rate of fifteen bucks for fifteen minutes. (#593)
  • Black Dude Dies First: Parodied. Zexion notes that until the black guy dies first, they can't be killed by werepires. Then Naminé notes there AREN'T any black guys.
  • Blackmail: As it turns out, Naminé caused Sora's amnesia. Zexion thinks nothing of blackmailing her into shutting up when she gets too preachy with this.
  • Blessed with Suck/Cursed with Awesome: Riku. Has what DiZ calls Time Lord Down's Syndrome, making him retain his face every time he regenerates.
  • Body-Count Competition: Played straight with the "Murder-off". (#121)
  • Body Horror: Every single surgery act Zexion has ever performed. This includes: replacing somebody's lung with the ass of a monkey, creating a heart out of a Hot Pocket and some straws, putting a firecracker in Riku's liver, and merging Cid's DNA with oreos just because he could.
  • Brain Bleach: Naminé would like to file an order.
    • Make it a double. (#288 & #289)
    • Apparently the cast actually uses pot to keep from going batshit insane. (#539)
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: The creator, Duke, frequently does so to make various announcements.
    • The characters do it in #577. Axel and Zexion take requests for the best way to abuse Riku.
  • Breakout Character: Zexion.
  • Brick Joke: Zexion mentions in #537 that, if he and Axel fused, they'd just turn into Andrew Jackson. In #551, that is exactly what happened.
    • Seasons ago, someone (Marluxia?) made a mocking comment regarding salvation from a "song and dance routine" by Axel and Zexion. See the reasoning behind the above.
    • Likewise, Zexion mentioned Soviet Canada many seasons ago.
    • You thought Zex was just bullshitting about Reagan turning into The Incredible Hulk? Well...
    • Axel and Zex first mention werepires here, in what seems to be a contrived story. Fast forward a couple seasons, and they're the Big Bad of the season.
    • See pages 11 and 541 for a minor one.
    • The mother of all brick jokes: #562, Naminé notes she thought Riku "had really died there" and he tells her that he did and it'll make sense once they get to it. Ninety comics later, it turns out that Riku is a Time Lord and can regenerate while keeping his face. Riku did die, but he got better. This was foreshadowed all the way back in #599. Holy crap.
    • In #206, Darth Maul tells Ansem that he tricked Yuna and Girl Rikku into going to the Vatican and trying to dig to the center of the earth. In #672, Yuna and Girl Rikku explain that they were totally in the Vatican and they were totally digging to the center of the earth.
    • Comic 334 happens to be very similar to comic 668, even ending on nearly the same line. The author admitted on his Formspring account that this was indeed intentional.
  • Bridezilla: Both averted and used literally. When the cast is preparing for the wedding between Aerith and Axel, the bride is remarkably calm. On the other hand, Bridezilla, a Kaiju in a wedding dress, has destroyed half of downtown.
  • Brown Note: For Cloud, it's "One Winged Angel". Unfortunately, it's also Axel's Theme Music Power-Up.
  • But for Me, It Was Tuesday: Played with. Axel never planned to get a Grand Theft Auto game, since the murder, violence, and crime he could do in the game was "shit [he] did last Tuesday!".
    • And again:
    Axel: Today's Wednesday. I always kill orphans on Wednesday.
  • Butt-Monkey: Riku in spades. Sometimes it's deserved, though. Marluxia fills in for him occasionally.
    • Sora too, but he forgets about it rather quickly.
    • There isn't a single time that the Large Body hasn't been ridiculed/stabbed in his appearances.
  • California Doubling: Kinda. The Destiny Islands background from Chain of Memories did double duty as Mexico and Hawaii. Same for an Alice In Wonderland background: it was both an unspecified location in Eastern Europe and a hotel room in London.
  • Calvinball: Subverted by the person making the rules ends up losing.
    Zexion: What do you mean you lost? You were making up the rules!
    Naminé: She played a Monopoly "get out of jail free" card. How am I supposed to beat that?
  • Catchphrase: Because fuck X, that's why
    • Also, Because you're X
  • Can't Hold Her Liquor: In #593, Naminé.
  • Characterization Marches On: Zexion famously started out as a straight man compared to Axel and Marluxia, then became the king of all jerkasses.
    • Naminé's TV-watching habit disappeared after the first season.
    • Marluxia was originally supposed to be Axel's partner in crime and psychopathy. Then he came down with a severe case of Demoted to Extra. Now he's playing the Straight Man role that was originally intended for Zexion.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Parodied.
    Naminé: Why did you put a firecracker in his liver?
    Zexion: I don't know, but it'll probably be really funny later on.
    • Played straight in later comics, where Axel fights a shark, which turns out to be a werepire's only natural predator. AND it's named Chekhov. And then subverted once again, when the shark suffocates.
    • Subverted when Roxas aka "what Sora could have been" gave Naminé a password to be told to a man in red bandages. When the man in bandages presented himself to Axel, Sora, and Naminé, Naminé had flat out forgotten about it.
    Roxas: That's fucking DiZ! Tell him '13 Points'! That's the fucking password you stupid fucking whore! I need to get the fuck out of here!
    • Believe it or not? That Riku always recovers from serious injuries is one. Or would this technically be Chekhov's Skill?
  • Chekhov's Time Travel: The team time travel to find Jesus for the hangover cure when they get drunk.
  • Chewbacca Defense: Unintentional example from when Zexion is on trial:
    Sora: I plead the 19th!
    Phoenix Wright: You plead the right for women to vote?
    Sora: Am I going to get the death penalty?
  • The Chew Toy: Riku.
    Zexion: We trained this to bite your face off.
  • Christmas Special: "And now back to Revolver Ocelot's Christmas Carol.
  • Cliché Storm: Lampshaded in this strip (invoked).
  • Cliffhanger: Played straight with the end to season four.
  • Cloudcuckooland: Apparently the story takes place here, seeing as just about everyone in the story besides Naminé is a Cloudcuckoolander. Zexion, strangely, shows signs of being a former Only Sane Man gone native, and Aerith went native as we watched.
    • Naminé's an interesting case: she started OUT as a Cloudcuckoolander obsessed with Saturday morning cartoons, but is now probably the closest thing we have to a sane person.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Anything Andrew Jackson says.
  • Coming-Out Story: Marluxia has one in Season Five. No one is even remotely surprised.
  • Companion Cube: Larxene's skull, Skull-Fucky.
  • Corrupt Corporate Executive: Ansem and Vexen, hell, anyone in FOX. They secured the rights to Watchmen just to remind people how evil they are.
  • Couldn't Find a Pen: When the cast played Pictonary, Axel did his drawing in Riku's blood for kicks.
    • Later, one of the messages left for Marluxia appeared to be written in blood, warning of impending doom. Marluxia just complained about everyone writing on the wall and how he has to clean it.
  • Country Matters: So far, there's been one C-bomb dropped in the comic - in response to readers complaining to Duke about the amount of swearing.
  • Crossover: Aside from the source sprites themselves being a crossover (Kingdom Hearts crosses Disney, Final Fantasy, and original characters), there have also been crossover transplant characters with Scooby-Doo, The World Ends with You, Sinistar, Star Wars, The Bible, Phoenix Wright, Final Fantasies VII, VIII, IX and X, and, of course, Kingdom Hearts II.
    • And Ansem Retort's also crossed over with another comic, when Riku summoned a ghost to try to fix a betting pool, and with AR's affiliate Easy Skankin, though this tends to be more of a fourth wall breaking as the conversations are between Duke and Dingy, the Author Avatar for Easy Skankin.
  • Crystal Dragon Jesus: Parodied, ironically enough, by Jesus himself.
    Jesus: Batman DIED FOR YOUR SINS!
    [He is joined by Axel and Zexion]
    Everyone: Accept Batman as your lord and savior.
  • Cyanide Pill: Zexion carries a bunch of them around in case any his patients can't be saved and should be spared their suffering. Or if they are annoying him. Then Naminé replaced them with Mentos.
  • Deadline News: When Larxene nuked Disneyland.
  • Deliberately Monochrome: The Roaring Twenties are depicted this way. Our time traveling team shows the only color therein.
  • Demonic Invaders: The first Arc of the series.
  • Demoted to Extra: Marluxia was demoted from Season 3 through the first half of Season 6, Darth Maul was demoted as of Season 7.
  • Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: Axel mentions in this strip that he had won staring contests with Cthulhu. Unfortunately for him, he finds Snooki (played by Ursula) even worse.
  • Disability Superpower: Parodied.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: Darth Maul attacked Marluxia, complete with Force Lightning... all because Marluxia said mango-strawberry was a gay flavor. And then they both attacked Xemnas when they thought he called them box-openers.
    • And one time Aerith attacked an airline pilot just because the in-flight movie was The Devil Wears Prada. Axel declared it the best honeymoon ever.
    • Another example is when Axel and Zexion threw Riku in a volcano, nuked it, tricked Riku into creating mustard gas, and then beat him up with failed retribution ideas...because he slapped them. It didn't even matter that the slapping was a good thing.
  • Distracted by the Sexy: Axel accuses Marluxia of being a gay football player. Marluxia can't think of a comeback because he can't stop thinking about Tom Brady's ass. [1]
  • Distressed Dude: Sora.
  • The Ditz: Sora
    "We'll die, and then come back as the Ghostbusters. And then we'll play soccer!"
    "I wonder what fire tastes like." (Beat Panel) "Fire tastes like bacon!"
  • The Dragon: Ansem to the FOX director (initially), Vexen to Ansem, Larxene and then Red XIII to Xemnas.
  • Dragon Ascendant: Ansem, the Dragon to the FOX director in season one, now a Big Bad in his own right.
  • Drinking Game: Invoked. Zexion decides to play one where they drink every time Xemnas says a long-winded exposition...much to Marluxia's confusion.
    • Later:
    Xemnas: Do you have any idea what will happen should Sora die?
    Axel: No...but you could explain what would happen.
    Zexion: Okay, boys, drinks at the ready!
  • Duct Tape for Everything: What's keeping Riku's body together.
  • Dude, She's Like in a Coma: Hercules tries to take advantage of Larxene when she's out cold. Axel is disgusted by this.
  • Dueling Shows: In-Universe example: Season 8 begins with Ansem Retort competing with the new reality show Shibuya Shore. Judging by this strip, it seems to be an uphill battle for AR.
  • Early-Bird Cameo: Aerith appears briefly at the end of Season 1 before joining the cast in Season 2.
  • Eats Babies: The 'Spock diet' Zexion and Axel force Sora on.
    • They've upgraded to fetuses: specifically, the aborted fetus of Axel and Aerith.
    Zexion: You're not leaving until you finish it, you know.
  • Elective Broken Language: Yuffie invokes Asian Speekee Engrish because it makes people think that she knows martial arts.
  • Emo Teen: Riku.
    Riku: "Crawling in my skin... these wounds they will not... What the? Aww crap. I'm being beaten by giant keys! The only plus side is I have no dignity to lose!"
  • Epic Fail: Sora debating an owl during the Lieutenant-Gubernatorial debates. About halfway through the debate, Red XIII killed the owl. Sora still lost the debate.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Axel, responding "WHAT?" when accused of domestic violence?! Yes, it happened - (an Embarrassing Cover Up moment when Aerith blamed a black eye on him. She really just had a clumsy moment.)
  • Evil Versus Evil: Just about everyone on any side of any fight is either a complete psychopath, a complete Jerkass, or both.
    "In metaphor form, it's like a duel between Jack the Ripper and Hitler."
    • Or in Riku's case, just really really unlucky.
  • Eye Beams: Bitch, I got Lightning-Vision!
  • Face–Heel Turn: Red XIII, twice. First he turned on the replacement cast, and then he sided with Xemnas over the main cast.
  • "Facing the Bullets" One-Liner: Zexion: "I'll die as I lived: a complete and utter tool."
  • Fan Girl: Taken to the extreme with Kairi back in Season 1; supremely ironic considering the actual Kairi's status among actual fangirls. Then they killed her off, because there were only so many jokes that was good for.
  • Fan Nickname: Xemnas's is referenced in-universe.
    Larxene: Ooh, ooh! Do you know what you get when you mix around the letters?
    [cut to the Ansem Retort house]
    Marluxia: X-E-M-N-A-S. MANSEX?
    Darth Maul: You would say that.
  • Fate Worse than Death: Mocked. As it turned out, training the cast had been worse for Jesus than his own crucifixion.
  • Flanderization: Pretty much the entire cast went through this. Sora and Zexion are probably the best examples, as Sora used to be just somewhat stupid and merely had amnesia before becoming completely handicapped with short-term, long-term, and short-term memory loss, whereas Zexion was just one Jerkass in a cast full of them before becoming the absolute king of all jerkasses.
    • The memory loss turns out to not be Sora's fault, though. It's Naminé, having been flanderized into mucking about with his memory far more than in-game.
    • Interestingly, Characterization Marches On seemed to have the opposite effect on Marluxia; over the course of the comic he actually seemed to come closer to his canon personality.
  • Foreshadowing: Delivered with all the subtlety and grace of a brick to the face here and here.
  • For the Evulz: The motivation for easily a majority of the actions on this show is "evil for evil's sake". Axel used this as an argument for why Zex should finance his wedding: to steal tax dollars just to prove he could.
    Naminé: Why did you put a firecracker in his liver?
    Zexion: I don't know, but it'll probably be really funny later on.
  • Fusion Dance: Axel and Zexion - they turn into Andrew Jackson, who obviously doesn't resemble either of them.
  • Gambit Pileup: So far: Ansem's always planning something, there's a group of Eldritch Abominations that made Sora a demi-god for laughs, it's been revealed that Kitaniji hired Yuffie to sabotage the show, Aerith pretty much only dated (and then married) Axel to get back at Cloud... and then there's Zexion...
  • Giant Flyer: Axel insists that he be carried back to America on a "world-killing god whale". Sin later returns for a cameo as an airline's mascot, Barry.
  • Gilligan Cut: Several, but the most memorable is probably the one where Aerith claims that during her bachelorette party, that she and the other people there intend to "out-crazy Axel!" Cut to a news reporter with an airplane in the background, along with pictures of Axel and Zexion, saying "We repeat, the hijackers have been identified!"
  • Girl on Girl Is Hot
    Zexion: Topping our demands for the fourth straight season, more lesbian fanservice.
    • Joshua's take on how to deal with Yuna and Girl Rikku's stupid conversations.
      Joshua: Yeah, I just wear earplugs and hope they start making out with each other.
  • Godwin's Law of Time Travel: Parodied when Xemnas's manipulations caused the Nazi occult experiments to occur sooner...but he could have saved himself a lot of time and effort by going to the original time in the first place.
  • Goggles Do Nothing: This strip.
  • Groin Attack: Owww.
  • Guest Spot: More like Guest artist of sorts, Some of the sprites used in Ansem Retorts are made by a sprite artist that goes by the nickname Lost Digi Girl, her first appearing sprite was a little girl talking to Jesus in #362 and then Re-appeared in #667 #670 and the gay army ranger in 680,. There have Been Various others and Duke Acknowledges her often. Now includes dancers in #709 at the bottom of the screen.
  • Half-Human Hybrid: Cid: Half-human, half-cookie. And Hercules: half centaur, half man. Upper half centaur, lower half man.
  • Have I Mentioned I Am Gay?: Marluxia has never done anything gay other than be the butt of the gay jokes. He sorta got better in Season 8.
  • Heel–Face Revolving Door: Larxene will go turncoat on anyone for drugs/sugar/(invisible)shiny things.
  • Heel Realization: "Wow, we're assholes!"
  • Hollywood Board Games: What more proof do you need that jerkass Zexion and Ax-Crazy Axel are best Pals with Jesus (albeit one whose Fatal Flaw is being addicted to porn) is that they hang out and play Pictionary together?
  • I Call Him "Mister Happy": Zexion calls his dick The Torrent. Axel's? Little Jack the Ripper (and the testicles are Slashy and Stabby)
  • Idealized Sex: Parodied. Zexion inquires what a serial rapist skeleton is supposed to rape his victims with.
  • I Drank What?: Axel, after discovering that Chuck E. Cheese doesn't sell tequila.
    "Ugh-oh. I think I've been drinking bleach for the past hour. Fuck."
  • If I Had a Nickel...:
    Sora: Man, if I had a nickel every time a roommate committed a crime against humanity...
    Namine: You would have $7.12.
  • I Have Boobs, You Must Obey!: In a guest comic Duke did for Easy Skankin', Dingy tried to invoke this to get Duke to do a guest comic for her. Duke points out that her boobs violate the Geneva Convention, and she would have to admit she's lazier than a sprite comic artist. She refuses.
  • Indy Ploy: Axel's plan for taking on the Final Boss of season 1.
    Axel: I've been in a lot of final boss battles, each one more final than the last. All of them involved complicated plans that failed miserably.
    Axel: So this time, I'm just going to wing it.
    Marluxia: Coming from you, that fills me with absolute terror.
  • Inner Monologue: "Understand what? You just stood in that pose and didn't talk for twenty minutes."
  • Insane Troll Logic: "Well, all your plans seemed to rely on Sora being alive, so it seemed like a good idea."
    DiZ: "Look, there's twisting words around, and then there's being retarded just for the sake of being retarded."
    • According to Axel, because the San Fransisco 49ers play in a "gay city" and Marluxia is gay, that proves that Marluxia is a gay football player (just like Tom Brady).
    • Inverted here, when Axel quite logically points out the flaw in a plan (things suffocate in the vacuum of space), and everyone stares at him like he's crazy.
  • Insult Misfire: The second panel of this strip.
  • I Take Offense to That Last One: Played with, due to a misunderstanding.
    Darth Maul: Pandora? Is he calling us box openers?
    Marluxia: I think he's calling us box openers.
    Darth Maul: Let's kick his ass!
  • It Can't Get Any Worse: Cue more werepires. "Oh you dickhead!"
  • It Runs on Nonsensoleum: The "it" is time travel. The "nonsensoleum" is alcohol. Somehow, it works.
    • It works because Riku is a Time Lord. The alcohol happens to be his TARDIS.
  • It Was His Sled: Parodied. When Darth Maul is watching the show to see if he's the Best Man for the wedding when Marluxia points out that Darth Maul was there in person when they choose the best man and tell him what happened. invoked
    Darth Maul: Thanks for spoiling it, Jackass! This is just like when we saw The Phantom Menace.
  • Jerkass: Pretty much the entire main cast, but especially Zexion, who cheerfully admits it.
    • He's such a jerkass, he can use his douchiness to defy the laws of physics.
  • Jesus Was Way Cool: Jesus gets called in by Ansem to train the gang in preparation for their battle with Xemnas and Larxene. He gets along well with everybody, even Axel (!) (Well, he does cure hangovers, Painlessly!).
  • Jumping the Shark: Parodied/mentioned in this comic. invoked
  • Kangaroo Court:
    Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION!
    Judge: Objection overruled; go fuck yourself sustained.
  • Killed Off for Real: Kairi was killed by a demon in Season 1, and has managed to stay dead ever since. Red XIII was also killed when Riku tore off his face in Season 7.
    • Duke has stated that if Kairi comes back to life, he has officially run out of original story ideas. Given that one story arc featured Riku, Axel, Zexion and Marluxia going back in time through binge-drinking, don't expect to see her anytime soon.
  • Kill It with Fire: Almost quoted verbatim by Zexion when Axel engages in Operation Shoot the Messenger (which consisted of Axel killing everyone that didn't tell him where Larxene was quickly enough).
  • Kill the Poor: Zexion carried this out as governor. Axel's only problem with the plan was that Red XIII kept eating too much of the bodies to get them identified as poor people and keeping him from getting paid the proper amount per person.
  • Lampshade Hanging: Many, including the absolute King of Lampshade Hangings:
    Aerith: I feel like I'm on a bad TV show, which is ironic since I am in a bad TV show.
  • Laser-Guided Amnesia Sora.
    • More like Laser-Guided Cluster-Bomb Amnesia.
  • Latin Lover: Guillermo del Zexiero lo Marquis
    • Also, when Ansem announces that the group is to be personally trained in teamwork by Jesus. No, not a Mexican named Jesus, Jesus Christ.
    Marluxia: Aw, but I wanted the hot Latino.
  • Leeroy Jenkins: He is called "the greatest tactical mind of ours, or any, generation."
  • Logic Bomb: Aerith pulls one on a fake Sora here.
  • Long List: When the house got attacked a second time.
    Employee: Yes, our main suspects are: Axel, Larxene, you, Cloud, Zexion, the former FOX president, the guy Zexion turned into a cookie, Darth Maul, God, Derek Jeter, a guy in red bandages, fat people, Axel again, a demon in Sora's head, and the Trix Rabbit.
    Ansem: So we're blaming terrorists?
    Employee: Canadian terrorists.
  • MacGyvering: Parodied; Zexion makes Riku a new heart out of some bendy straws and a Hot Pocket.
  • Manipulative Bastard: Xemnas has pulled two characters to his side, one by promising them drugs (Larxene) and the other by promising to help him find out more about himself (Red XIII)
  • Meaningful Name: C-SPAN 53X. Look at it closely
  • Mundane Made Awesome: Andrew Jackson talks in bold Old English font.
  • Mythology Gag:
    Sora: I wanna fuse with a talking dog! No, now wait! I wanna fuse with a pantsless duck! Wait, wait...a talking dog AND a pantsless duck!
  • My Friends... and Zoidberg:
    Axel: Ladies, Gentleman, Marluxia of the jury...
  • Negative Continuity: Lampshaded here. Axel sure as fuck doesn't remember the hooded Microsoft guys.
  • No Ending: The strip ended during what seemed to be the climax of Season 8.
  • No Fourth Wall
    Riku: My god, the past has been changed, and only I can tell. Ooh! I get my own story arc!
  • Noodle Implements: Subverted with Lampshade Hanging.
    Zexion: Damn. Well, I've got another plan.
    Riku: Is this where you list off a bunch of random items that don't make sense until you execute your master plan?
    Zexion: Uhh, no. All I need is chloroform and a gun. This plan really isn't that complex.
  • Noodle Incident: #383. Even Axel can't think of a good crazy excuse to explain how the Wii got broken.
    Namine: I'm sorry, I don't see why you had to smash the Wii.
    Darth Maul: You'll thank me when zombies aren't putting your brains on a delicious tortilla!
  • Not So Above It All: Joshua from Shibuya Shore, unfortunately.
    Joshua: Hey, don't let Hercules get to you. I know you're not actually gay.
    Marluxia: No, I AM gay. I like having sex with men.
    Joshua: Oh. Fag.
  • Number of the Beast: The exact strip number that Season 7 ended on.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: There might be hope for Sora yet. (Key word: Might.)
    • Yuffie also does this with her English skills when she first meets people. She does it so she can rob them easier. And it makes people think she knows kung fu.
  • Offscreen Teleportation: The Duet Summon ability
  • One-Steve Limit: Parodied. While the main cast was in hiding, the show had a substitute cast. One of the cast members was also named Rikku (albeit with an extra K). Darth Maul just called her 'girl Rikku'. By the time she showed back up in Season 8, her actual name was Girl Rikku.
  • One-Winged Angel: The song itself is both Cloud's greatest weakness and a Theme Music Power-Up for Axel.
    • As for the trope itself, Belle becomes a werepire. Since, y'know, she is one.
  • Only Sane Man: Naminé
    • Red XIII to an extent as well. He's still extremely violent, and can't be understood by the rest of the cast, but he's by far the smartest character, and the only people he mauls he either does so to eat them, or if it's Riku.
    • Joshua is quickly proving himself to be this in the rival reality show Shibuya Shore.
  • Orphaned Series: The creator stopped updating the comic in 2012.
  • Our Werewolves Are Different: They're actually werepires.
  • Out of Character: Lampshaded. Naminé flat out says she risks being this to tell Sora that she hates him. It's not really OOC.
  • The Pete Best: Technically speaking, Kairi. In-universe.
  • The Power of Friendship: Naminé suggests this and is shot down.
    Kairi: You actually believe that Saturday morning cartoon bull& *$# don't you.
  • Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: "Madness? THIS! IS! HULA!"
  • Punctuated Pounding
    Riku: Stop kicking me!
    Axel: Not unless you apologize for being horribly, horribly injured!
  • Punny Name: "Sho Catoa"
  • Quest for Identity: The reason Red XIII sides with Xemnas is because he believes that he can learn more about himself that way.
  • Ratings Stunt: This is why Ansem won't give in to Zexion's demand for lesbians: he's saving that for when they need a cheap ratings boost.
  • Reality TV
  • Reality Warper: Axel. Maybe.
    Naminé: The sheer force of your insanity actually warps reality! Earth changes to accommodate your insane view of the world!
    Axel: Sorry, what? I'm kinda fighting a shark right now.
    • Ansem believes the entire cast has this ability, though he specifically names Axel, Zexion, and Larxene.
  • Refuge in Audacity: Everything.
    • A very good example of this is, when asked about recent killings of reality show casts, Axel's alibi is that he was killing other people at those times, so it can't be him. Vexen then uses this as evidence that Barack Obama is the murderer.
  • Ripped from the Headlines: In this strip. This gag works better if you remember that New Jersey really has only recently allowed gay marriage.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Larxene's attack is apparently "Lighting!".
    • Looking through the older strips, this sort of thing happens a lot.
  • Rule of Funny: Most of Zexion's surgical procedures, for starters. Oreos, anyone?
    • When asked whether Marluxia can now turn into a dragon at will]], Duke's reply invoked this trope.
      • Similarly, he's stated that Sora will remember his powers when it's funny for him to do so.
  • Saying Sound Effects Out Loud: Larxene, again.
  • Scarpia Ultimatum: Subverted. Sora tries to convince Xemnas to leave the others alone if he goes with him. He's shot down... by Marluxia, of all people, who's been getting more screen time than normal because of Xemnas attacking.
  • Screw the Rules, I Make Them!: Naminé made the rules for the Card Game against Larxene... and yet she still lost.
  • Serious Business: According to Marluxia and Darth Maul, smoothie flavors are worth fighting over. With weapons like Dark Side lightning and giant scythes.
  • "Shaggy Dog" Story: Season One, arguably. All that fighting and buildup to get to the FOX president (including a fight with Ansem, someone getting god like powers, and a dragon with a nuke on its back), and the president was beaten with a stab in the back. Zexion lampshades this with a 'screw you, we won'.
  • Shout-Out: Far too many to say them all so let's just go with the most notable ones:
    Where'd the pencil go? How'd you make it disappear?
    • Sora got three in one when he crashed into an emergency room:
    Sora:I'm sorry cast of House's Anatomy!
    Random passerby: You killed Zach Braff!
    This is the friend I was talking about: Yuffie Kisa...ChunLi..Ryu.
    Ansem: I wished to welcome Miss Kusa...LiuKang...Kano.
  • Show Within a Show: The events in the comic is a Reality TV Show. Several characters have the habit of watching the actual show (making this an example of Type 2).
    • Yes, including watching themselves watching the show. On a crystal ball.
    Darth Maul:That's some paradoxical $#!@ right there!
    • And again with Darth Maul watching Shibuya Shore, while the latter's cast (including Joshua) watches them.
    Joshua:This some paradoxical shit right here.
  • The Slacker: Darth Maul refused to go to Hawaii because he would rather sit around eating HoHos and crank calling prostitutes. He has also been known to do nothing but lie on the floor and eat barbecue sauce for 2 consecutive weeks.
    • He called Ansem for help because he couldn't be bothered to move four feet to get a remote. That should tell you something.
  • Social Services Does Not Exist: Actual ages aren't stated, but since Naminé has claimed she and Riku are underaged, and the latter and Sora have tested for their drivers' licenses (which can be done as early as age 16 in the US), it's the only explanation that those three are even on the show, much less put up with everything in it.
    • And Riku's hinted that his parents never wanted him in the first place.
    • Social Services would've intervened the minute Kairi got killed.
  • Spanner in the Works:
    DiZ: [to Deus] You took the form of a rabbi and laughed at Hitler's paintings! YOU FUCKED UP PRETTY BADLY!
  • Spin-Off: Duke just announced that in between Seasons 6 and 7 there will be the mini-series "Andrew Jackson Fucks Shit Up".
    • The spinoff has been delayed so as not to overload us with too much Andrew Jackson too soon.
  • Split Personality: Aerith's mental disorder.
  • Spoof Aesop: The moral of Axel and Aerith's bachelor/bachelorette nights?
    Aerith: Don't drink and cheat on your murderous fiance.
    Red XIII: Bullshit I'm not adorable!
    Larxene: I will not name things.
    Darth Maul: I can hijack a plane with only a comb and a pack of Tic-Tacs!
  • Stating the Simple Solution: After messing with the timeline enough to change the date of the Nazi experiments, Red XIII asks why Xemnas didn't just go back to the experiments themselves. Xemnas concedes that would have been much easier.
  • Straight Man: Naminé, and Aerith's 'normal' personality. Zexion is also capable of this if it abets his efforts in being a Jerkass. As of Season 7, Marluxia is the gayest Straight Man ever.
  • Strawman Political: Done in the same Crossing the Line Twice style as everything else. Fox News and everyone working for it, especially Vexen O'Hanniducy, is a Card-Carrying Villain.
  • Strictly Formula: Mocked.
  • Suicide as Comedy: Invoked. Cid confronts Zexion about the surgery that turned him into a cookie, and asks what Zexion has to say for himself. Zex replies that if Cid slit his wrists right then, it'd be "the tastiest suicide EVER."
    • There's also the time when Riku demanded to know why Axel and Zexion got him a razor and a noose for his birthday. Their response: "Either you cut the emo crap, or you make good on the suicide promises."
  • Sure, Let's Go with That:
    Q: So does Riku's Dark Firaga still exist and does it still cause nightmares?
    A: Sure, let's go with that.
    • Many questions asked on Ben's Formspring account are usually answered this way.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial:
    Sora: No, I'm not trying to summon Bill Murray and the other Ghostbusters!
    • Later averted with Axel, who claimed he wasn't blowing up a city with his mind, only to say:
  • Take a Third Option: Axel has a choice: Stop Xemnas, or save Sora. His choice? Well...
  • Take That!: Numerous, including one aimed right at us.
  • Take That, Critics!: Apparently, someone complained about how much Andrew Jackson had been swearing. Duke's response was to have him say, for absolutely no reason, "bitch-ass nigger cunt".
  • Talking to Themself: Besides the obvious Aerith, we have Axel's bachelor party, when he and Zexion hijack a plane and are negotiating directly with the governor and his advisors. You know, Governor Zexion and his top advisor Axel?
  • There Are No Therapists: Well, why should there be? Ansem picked the cast members because they were so fucked up. There are, however, "mental health examinations" conducted by a psychic sitting in a crude approximation of a psychiatrist's chair.
  • There Can Be Only One: Parodied. Season Six started with various reality show casts being murdered, with Ansem Retort being the only one unharmed. Axel's response upon finding out?
    • Unfortunately, their dominance of reality TV is suddenly threatened by Shibuya Shore as of the end of Season 7.
  • This Is for Emphasis, Bitch!: This is how Andrew Jackson talks.
  • This Is Gonna Suck: Zex's reaction to Shibuya Shore's premiere.
  • Those Two Guys: Darth Maul and Marluxia.
  • Time Travel: Thrice.
    • Sinistar was sent back in time by Ansem so he wouldn't bother anyone ever again. He ended up eating the Challenger. The O-ring was a cover story.
    • Xemnas's plan is to take the Original Soul, Sora, back in time. Red XIII, by now Xemnas's Dragon, vows to eat Riku's parents in the process.
    • Axel and Zex believe the quickest way to time travel is getting drunk. They recruit Marluxia to drink the gay drinks, because he's gay.
  • To Make a Long Story Short:
    Ansem: Back at FOX, we had this great idea for the next plot line. It had monkeys and samurai, crazy stuff. Long story short: big chemical spill.
  • Token Minority: Darth Maul, the resident Jew of the show.
  • Too Dumb to Live: Hercules. Apparently, he's a Half-Human Hybrid, with the upper body of a centaur, and the lower body of a man.
  • Training Montage: Including Eye Of The Tiger.
  • Unfortunate Implications: Parodied In-Universe. Zexion notes that IHOP's Happy Face Pancake looks like blackface. He responds with "FUCK YOU RACIST PANCAKE!"
  • Unholy Matrimony: Axel and Aerith.
  • Unresolved Sexual Tension: Zexion and Naminé. Disturbingly, since Naminé's a bit young for him. Still, Naminé's well acquainted with Zex's taste in hookers, Zexion takes a break on his way to a sexual encounter with a werepire to inform Naminé of what he's doing, and Naminé is apparently turned on by Zexi..., er, Guillermo del Zexiero lo Marquis' new name... Also, when his cyanide pills were replaced with mentos, he immediately knew it was she who did it. Oh, about Zex's taste in hookers - he likes them "blonde, stupid, and not dead inside yet". Naminé meets 2 of the 3. One could even infer that the only reason Zexion does not get with Naminé out right is because she's too smart for him.
    • They claim to hate each other, but they interact often and even call each other in times of crisis. Mainly because they're both a little more intelligent than the others (Zex chooses to be a crazy jackass). She even introduced him to her date for Axel's wedding. Not that it went anywhere...
    • As of Ansem Retort #625, Namine even has "Zexion senses". However, that doesn't necessarily mean she'll actually DO anything about him needing her help.
    • As of comic 700, this seems to be canon on Naminé's part.
    Zexion: Shit's about to get freaky.
  • Unsound Effect: Happens a time or three...
    • When Larxene starts a fight with Ansem in #49, she says "ChingBattle!" Ansem promptly tells her that that is not a sound effect.
    • When Larxene and Axel fight in #344, we get *Adam West* as a sound effect.
    • In #494, a swarm of bats go *Bat Noises*
  • Verbal Tic: See the This Is for Emphasis, Bitch! example above.
  • Viewers Are Morons: To quote Duke: "Gotta love April Fools Day. Not that that's going to stop any of you from e-mailing me about this comic thinking it's real."
  • Villain Protagonist: Oh yes.
  • Wham Line: Red XIII when talking to Xemnas about Riku.
    Red XIII: What do you mean, I already ate his parents?
    • Strip 700 gives another.
    Namine: I love myself.
  • What Cliffhanger: Parodied here.
  • Where the Hell Is Springfield?: It wasn't until Season Six that we learned that Ansem Retort takes place in Pennsylvania. Zexion didn't even know... and he's the governor of it.
    • Real Life Writes the Plot: Around the time that comic was released, Duke revealed on the site that he had always planned to set Ansem Retort in wherever he went to college at.
  • Wonder Twin Powers: Played with here.
  • Worth It: Here. Of course, this was shortly after Riku was shown to be getting stabbed in his own daydream, so you could argue that being hanged with a lei is a bonus for him.
  • Would Hit a Girl: To the surprise of absolutely no one, Axel.
  • You Can Keep Her!: Played with. When Belle tried to extract a ransom from Zexion to let Larxene go, Zexion refused and listed his demands to take Larxene off her hands. Cut to a week later, and Belle is giving in.
    • Exaggerated later, when Xemnas takes Sora hostage. Axel corners them, and Xemnas asks how Axel is going to stop him and save Sora. Axel says he's okay with one of two, and throws his own chakram at Sora.
  • Your Head Asplode:
    Fox Action News reporter; I'm outside Jericho, New York, where the entire population has just died from contagious head explosion. Odds are though, they deserved it.
    • And another time:
    Lulu: You totally deserve having your head explode for dissing The Godfather.
  • Your Mom: Aerith called the 'you're a towel' strategy the rich man's 'your mom' joke.