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Characters / Ansem Retort

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This is the character sheet for Ansem Retort.

Ansem Retort Protagonists

Axel Rose
The first cast member introduced and generally one of the most focused on. Is a evil Buddhist god and is married to Aerith.



Aerith Rose (neé Gainsborough)

Axel's now wife, joined after Kairi's death. Originally one of the saner cast members, starts joining the insanity after dating (and later marrying) Axel, though having a Split Personality exacerbated by Namine's meddling doesn't help.

One of the cast members. Has both short term and long term memory damage and has the power of a demi-god which is almost always ignored. Is incredibly stupid.

  • Butt-Monkey: Not that he remembers it happening.
  • Distressed Dude: Twice now.
  • The Ditz:
    "We'll die, and then come back as the Ghostbusters. And then we'll play soccer!"
    "I wonder what fire tastes like." (Beat Panel) "Fire tastes like bacon!"
  • Eats Babies: The 'Spock diet' Zexion and Axel force him on. Later, they make him eat an alcohol-assisted aborted fetus.
  • Flanderization: He used to be just somewhat stupid and merely had amnesia before becoming completely retarded with short-term, long-term, and short-term memory loss.
    • The memory loss turns out to not be Sora's fault, though. Its Naminé, having been flanderized into mucking about with his memory far more than in-game(by pushing him head first into the floor giving him a severe head concussion).
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: There might be hope for Sora yet. (Key word: Might.)
  • Summon Magic
  • Too Dumb to Live: Yet somehow he's still alive after setting himself on fire to find out how it tastes, was repeatedly injured by cans of soda falling on his head when it was stuck in a vending machine and forgetting how to breathe on a few occassions.

Riku Imabitch
The Butt-Monkey and Chew Toy of the cast, Riku is very emo and is usually the most common victim of Axel and Zexion's abuse. Is actually a Time Lord, which is how he survives all of the abuse he gets which often consists of being cut in two and losing his heart. He has a Down Syndrome version which prevents him regenerating like Doctor Who.

  • A Day in the Limelight: Got his own story arc recently.
  • Butt-Monkey: Riku is the poster boy for this, given how everyone gives him nothing but abuse.
  • Casting a Shadow
  • Chew Toy: Riku has been cut in half several times, had a firecracker in his liver which contributed to being in half the second time, had his heart removed by Cloud stabbing him in the chest and losing it to a seagull, has been stabbed by Axel's chakram on multiple occasions and tortured in so many ways. He also has AIDS.
  • Emo Teen: This has been downplayed in later seasons, but Riku is very emo.
  • Ill Boy: Riku. Axel and Zexion infected him with AIDS to make him the poster boy for AIDS Aid.
  • Ripple Effect-Proof Memory: Riku is the only member of the group shown to have this. Justified by being a Time Lord.
  • Super Mode: Parodied when Riku enters "Emo Mode".
    Riku: The Dragon Ball Z clause states that any transformation, no matter how stupid, makes the user much stronger.
  • Throw the Dog a Bone: Yuffie crushing on Riku.
  • Time Lord
    Axel: Holy shit! Do you know what this means? TV Tropes was actually right about something!

Guillermo del Zexiero lo Marquis (formerly Zexion Doreone)
Governor of Pennsylvania and Jerkass extraordinaire.

  • Antagonistic Governor: So far, he's stolen tax dollars to finance his best friend's wedding (just to prove he can) and invaded New Jersey. (Granted, he's only a lesser office, not President. Yet.)
    • In a more recent season, he sold New Mexico back to Mexico for the right of all US citizens to have sexy Latino names. His is Guillermo del Zexiero lo Marquis.
  • Breakout Character: Became a much more major character than author Duke had originally planned.
  • Characterization Marches On: Started off as the straight man. Turned into the king of Jerkasses.
  • Deadly Doctor: Averted. While Zexion is both a Doctor and Deadly (especially to his patients), he doesn't fight using a medical motif. Instead, he uses Lightsabers (courtesy of Darth Maul).
  • Even Evil Has Standards: He hates racist pancakes. He also doesn't want to run for president if it's going to be too easy.
  • Fusion Dance: With Axel - they turn into Andrew Jackson
  • Heterosexual Life-Partners: With Axel. The two are such good friends that Axel did nothing when Zexion hit on Aerith DURING THEIR WEDDING. Anyone else and it would've been a massacre, a slaughter, and a bloodbath, in that order.
  • Jerkass: He prides himself on being a huge dick.
  • Latin Lover: He had his name legally changed to Guillermo del Zexiero lo Marquis.
  • Morally Ambiguous Doctorate
  • President Evil: Well, close. He is Governor Evil.
    • Just to remind people, he invaded New Jersey and stole tax dollars to finance Axel and Aerith's wedding just to prove that he can.
    • He also sold New Mexico back to Spain so that any person in the U.S.A can have sexy latino names.
      • He also started running for president, but after realizing his campaign slogans where actually LIKED by a roomful of people (or because they're a bunch of overly-accepting morons) he quit, sticking Sora on stage...who immediately got the same results.
  • Running Gag: He always goes to order Chinese food at the season finale.
  • Teleporters and Transporters: Does this in the fight against the Fox executive at the gate of Fox headquarters.

Martin Luxia "Marluxia" Queenly
The gay guy. He's gay.

  • Butt-Monkey: Not to Riku's level, but he gets mocked throughout most of the series.
  • Camp Gay: Mixed with Straight Gay
  • Characterization Marches On: Marluxia was actually meant to be Axel's partner in crime and psychopathy. He's now the Straight Man to Axel and Zexion.
  • Demoted to Extra: He was pretty much a background character between Season 3 and Season 6.
  • Petal Power
  • Straight Man: Became this after Season 1.
  • Transparent Closet: Before he came out in between Seasons 4 and 5. Like everything else, it was anticlimactic.
    Marluxia: I've been really confused about who I am. I think I always knew the truth, I just couldn't admit it. But I'm sure now, I'm gay.
    Zexion: And this is more important than my watching Seinfeld reruns... because?
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: He had this kind of relationship with Darth Maul from Seasons 2 through 6. According to Duke, at some unspecified point they became a couple.

Laxrene Jones
She's on a lot of drugs, that's pretty much it.

  • Cloud Cuckoolander: Side effect of drugs.
  • Companion Cube: Skull-Fucky.
  • Face–Heel Turn: For a time she was working with Xemnas before Namine and Aerith talked her back over to their side. Of course, the terms 'face' and 'heel' should be taken with a grain of salt.
  • Genki Girl: She never stops. Ever. Probably because of the crack.
  • Shock and Awe: Which is just as often aimed at Riku as it is enemies.

Namine Gomez
The other Straight Man of the cast. She keeps the state government running. She just had sex with Zexion.

Darth Maul
The Jewish Sith Lord, he showed up in Season 1 and never left. He doesn't exactly do anything besides prank call prostitutes and watch TV.

  • Demoted to Extra: For a while he was a semi-major character - he antagonized the replacement cast and participated in the infamous airplane hijacking. As of Seasons 7, he makes 2 or 3 appearances per season.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: Darth Maul attacked Marluxia, complete with Force Lightning... all because Marluxia said mango-strawberry was a gay flavor. And then they both attacked Xemnas when they thought he called them box-openers.
  • Jerkass: The main difference between Maul and Axel is laziness. They were friends in college.
  • Shock and Awe: As a Sith he can do this.
  • The Slacker: He's so lazy he called Ansem to pick up the TV remote that was four meters away from him.
  • Straight Gay: According to Word of God, he's Marluxia's boyfriend now.

The only cast member from the replacement cast that wasn't murdered by Axel and Zexion. His kind was created to kill Time Lords. He was recently killed by Riku when he was channeling Optimus Prime.

Other Characters

The guy who started the show. He's currently the president of FOX, since the cast killed the last one.

  • Driven to Suicide: Well, he was until he remembered he can't tie a noose with one arm.
  • Greater-Scope Villain: Is this alongside the Grand Organizer due to getting the cast together and releasing Xemnas from prison while letting both do their own thing.
  • Jerkass: He works for and is currently president of FOX, it's only natural.
  • Only in It for the Money: More ratings then money, but he got the cast together because they're so messed up that they're ratings gold. He even had Xemnas released from prison so that he could kill the other reality shows in order to get more ratings.

Vexen O'Hanniducy
He's Ansem's right hand man.

  • Inner Monologue: It turns out that the flashback he had about tracking down the cast was just an inner monologue.
    Aerith: You just stood in that pose and didn't do anything for 20 minutes.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Ansem hired him to track down the cast after they ran away at the end of Season 2 because Vexen was the only guy in his employment insane and retarded enough to think like the Ansem Retort cast.
  • Meaningful Name: His last name is a combination of rightwing pundits Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, as well as Danny Bonnaduce. At the time, Danny Bonnaduce had been caught on tape cussing out a "truther" who was harassing him and openly admitting to being a Republican.
  • News Parody: Sometimes appears as the host of one.

Grand Organizer

The founder of the Assembly AKA the Gods. His defeat against the 7 warriors of the soul and the Original Soul in Utah is the cause of the events in Ansem Retort. His status(dead or alive) is never made clear in the strip.

A recurring villain from the Assembly who wants to remake the world using Sora's powers. No one really takes him seriously.

  • Meaningless Meaningful Words: Pretty much his entire dialogue is nothing but this.
  • Physical God: Like all members of of the Assembly.
  • Power of the Void
  • Sealed Evil in a Can: No thanks to Deus tricking him into thinking the 7 warriors of the soul were playing naked hide and seek which led to Darth Maul getting him arrested. He soon gets broken out by Ansem though dosen't do what Ansem expects(kill all the other reality shows) until his first defeat at the hands of the cast.
  • Time Crash: How Xemnas intends to tear down the worlds and remake them to his designs and he plans on having what's either The Perfect Order or the Original Soul do it in the form of Sora's evil clones.

A member of the Assembly who was assigned to Earth alongside DiZ. He's the one who turned Sora into a demi-god.

  • Casting a Shadow
  • In the Hood
  • It Amused Me: Why he gave Sora the Trinity Field.
  • Physical God: Like all members of of the Assembly.
  • Shapeshifting: Since Deus doesn't have a body per se, he takes whatever form he wants. Once he took the form of Roxas to troll DiZ. Another time he took the form of Donald Duck, for no reason other than lulz.

A member of the Assembly who was assigned to Earth alongside Deus. He's opposed to Xemnas (not to mention the defeated and hopefully dead Grand Organizer).

  • Big Good: The closest thing to one anyways...
  • Mr. Exposition: Is usually the one to explain the backstory behind certain characters. Notably, he's the one that said that Sora was the Original Soul and that Riku was a Time Lord.
  • Only Sane Man: Which isn't that hard to be.
  • Physical God: Like all members of of the Assembly.

The Perfect Order
Sealed within the Trinity Field thus creating Time. Ended up inside the Original Soul/Sora.

He works for Microsoft(actually he works for Assembly Member Physical God Deus: the working for Microsoft ruse was an attempt to distract the cast from Deus giving Sora the Trinity Field for the lulz). Out of the cast of Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, he has among the fewest appearances. After Marco and Roy die (Roy was killed by Axel and Marco was killed by accidentally electrocuting himself while distracting Zexion in a fake fight to the death) he and the Unknown are the only workers of Deus left.

  • The Brute: When working for Microsoft.
  • Funny Foreigner: In addition to the speaking Spanish thing, he's just weird. He likes "cat juice." And hates clowns.
  • Gratuitous Spanish: HE SPEAKS SPANISH. ONLY SPANISH.

The Unknown

He like Lexaeus, Marco and Roy works for Deus.

Jesus Christ
The Messiah himself. First showed up to train the cast in order to find Larxene, later officiated at Axel and Aerith's wedding, and later still joined Axel, Riku, Zex, and Marluxia in their time traveling shenanigans. Not Latino, much to Marluxia's disappointment.

  • Covert Pervert: Apparently Jesus is into porn freaky enough to squick out Zexion.
  • Fate Worse than Death: Given a choice between training the cast and going on the cross, Jesus would rather go back on the cross.
  • Jesus Was Way Cool: Notably, he gets along with everyone in the cast, and that's no small feat

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