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Quotes / Explain, Explain... Oh, Crap!

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    Audio Plays 
We just got a mysterious summoning to a house out in the middle of nowhere without any idea who our host is or their intentions nor were they at the door to greet us when we arrived and there's no one around for miles who could possibly help us and — we're all gonna die, aren't we?

    Comic Books 
Janet Van Dyne: Here you are, all cheekbones and six-pack like some kind of Calvin Klein model, but the second you open your mouth you sound as ancient as my dear, old dad.
Captain America: To tell you the truth, I've probably got ten years on your father, Jan.
Janet Van Dyne: Now there's a creepy thought.

Gary Lester: It's too strong now, John. You'll never hold it. It'll never fit in the bottle, man. The bottle...?
Constantine: [Inner Monologue] Oh dear. The penny's finally dropped.
Gary Lester: You haven't got a bottle, John. How're you going to catch it? [eyes widen] Oh no. No. Please no...
Constantine: [Inner Monologue] A blizzard of flies engulfs us...
Hellblazer: A Feast Of Friends

    Fan Works 
[while discussing the Chrono Displacement spell Fairy Tale stole from the Shuzen estate, and Akua and Kahlua being members of Fairy Tale]
Mikogami: Where exactly was this secret archive of his? I'm surprised it wasn't guarded better if it housed such dangerous spells.
Kou: It was well-hidden and protected by Lord Shuzen's personal guard. It was a family secret that only he and his daughters knew about. It—
[Beat as Kou realizes what that means]
Mikogami: A family secret, you say? So Akua and Kahlua would have known about it as well, correct?
Kou: Ye-yes...

Matsumoto: Hey, um, this might be a stupid question... But...shouldn't someone from the cyber department have come to check on us by now?
Chiaki: Oh, we told them to barricade themselves in and not come out until we said it was safe.
They all paused.
We told them to barricade themselves in.
There’s a brainwashing video being broadcast.
The room they’re in is full of monitors.
It sank in for everyone at the exact same time.

Everyone: Shit!

“Hey Jason!” One of Jason’s neighbors, a tall, pretty woman with an afro who wears a very tight skirt and a tank top, leans out of her window to see them crawling out of the window. “Remember, Bat Night’s in two days!”
“Got it, thanks Marcie!” Jason says, waving.
“What’s Bat Night?” Steph says, following Jason down the fire escape.
“It’s weird, that what it is,” Jason complains, helping Steph leap from the end of the ladder by catching her. “Once a year he just shows up and he just… fights every crime. Literally everything. Nothing’s too small. He’s just here, all night, and it’s weird.” He shrugs. “So this year, everyone’s planning on staying in and not doing crime that night.”
[On Bat Night, Jason and Stephanie try to steal Batman's tires, and are caught, like Jason was in canon]
“Try and catch us, you big boob!” Jason yells, as the two of them scramble into the alley, away from the scene of the crime. They run and they don’t stop until they get back to the apartment, where they finally let themselves breathe easily.
“Do you think he followed us?” Steph whispers, locking the door behind them, as Jason throws himself down onto their mattress, next to their stack of paperback mystery novels that they bought for a dime from the second-hand shop.
“Why’d he bother?” He asks, shrugging. “He’s Batman, he’s got better things to do than hunt us down.”
“But…” Steph says, sitting down next to him. “If he cleans up all crime in Crime Alley tonight… and no one else was committing crimes…”
Jason stares at her, eyes widening. “Oh shit,” he says, just as the door swings open, revealing Batman on the other side.

Monokuma:Heeheeheeheheheheh... alright, listen up toots! I’m about to explain how split personalities work. Some cases of DID have split personalities happen through changing at mostly on a whim, or whatever! However... you’re not as lucky. Doubtless as you know, your personality switch is triggered by external stimuli. Blood, shocks, whatever works, works. You know what those personality switches are tied to even, yes...?~”
Chihiro: *gets it immediately, and begins tearing up* "N-No... he doesn’t mean...!"
Mondo: *furiously* "Th’ fuck this shitty bear getting at?! He’s seriously pissing me off even more!"
Toko: "W-What, you building that suspense up for n-nothing?" *cocky laugh* "T-The way you put it like that, I honestly w-wonder if you aren’t... aren’t..."
*Toko's face immediately warps in horror upon realizing what Monokuma was implying*
Toko: *paralyzed in fear, tearing up* "I-If... y-you aren’t... T-Tear out my nervous system..."
Another Side: Sporting Hopefuls, precious mere moments before Toko is lobotomized as part of Jack's "Execution"

    Film — Animated 
Fry: What happens to a fish if it drinks too much antidote!?
Joe: [drinks antidote] IT BECOMES HUMAN!
Fry: And can a human breathe underwater?
Joe: OF COURSE N-! [drowns]

(Manny, Diego, Crash, and Eddie are stuck dangling over the Chasm of Death, trying to avoid breathing in the toxic fumes)
Eddie: (couldn't hold his breath any longer) I can't take it anymore!
Crash: He breathed it! (gasps) And now I'm breathing it!

Meg: Look, it wasn't my fault. It was this wonder-boy, Hercules.
Hades: (his eyes widen in anger)
Panic: Hercules... Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Uh, maybe we owe him money?
Hades: What was that name again?
Meg: Hercules. (Hades starts fuming) He comes on with this "big, innocent farm boy" routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.
Pain: Wait a minute! Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...
Pain / Panic: OH MY GODS!
(the two try to run, but Hades catches them and holds them by their necks)
Hades: So you "took care of him," huh?! "Dead as a doornail"! Weren't those your exact words?!

Elastigirl: [Screenslaver]'s a brilliant guy. If he's smart enough to conceive of technology like this, he's smart enough to think of something to do with it. The guy we put in jail delivered pizzas.
Evelyn: So? Einstein was a patent clerk. He could— Look, you won. You got the guy who...
Elastigirl: Wait! All Screenslaver needs to do to hypnotize someone is get a screen in front of their eyes. But what if the screen doesn't look like a screen? What if... the pizza guy... is really a pizza guy, but he was controlled by the screens built into his gla—!
Evelyn: (slaps a pair of hypno-glasses on her) You are good.

    Film — Live-Action 
Tony: Divide and Conquer is... great... but, [Loki] knows he has to take us out for him to win, right? That's what he wants! He has to beat us, he has to be seen doing it. He needs an audience.
Cap: Right. We caught his act in Stuttgart.
Tony: Yeah. That's just preview. This is opening night! And, Loki, he's a full-tilt diva, he wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the sky with his name plastered
[Beat with Cap raising an eyebrow pointedly at Tony's choice of adjectives for Loki]
Tony: Son of a bitch. (he realizes Loki will use his own Stark Tower for summoning the Chitauri)

How can [the Commando Elite toys] be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard; the materials are standard; the mechanicals are standard; even the... (is about to say "...chips are standard", but a dawning realization about the chips cuts the sentence short) oh.
Larry Benson, Small Soldiers

[while discussing the message the Shredder gave her for the Turtles]
April: They said if you don't meet them at the construction site tonight, he said he'll send Tokka and Rahzar out again. This time into Central Park.
Donatello: Central Park?! But how are they gonna avoid all those... people?

The housemind had consulted 17387 volumes of thaumaturgical notes from the Master's libraries and found no description of any magical process that encouraged or required the practitioner to fall down a staircase and feign increasingly realistic death for half a month.
Primary Conclusion: Master Malkuril had terminally erred in neglecting the security of his footwear.
Pragmatic Secondary Conclusion: Master Malkuril would not be blasting his housemind for presumption. Or for any other transgression. Ever.
Private Simulation of Ambiguous Exasperation: Well, shit.
The Fall and Rise of the House of the Wizard Malkuril, by Scott Lynch

    Live-Action TV 
Lily: Oh Ted, you're such a doof! I mean, this girl sounds amazing.
Ted: She was completely amazing. She was amazing and funny and we connected on every level and I'm never gonna see her again. (beat) Dammit, I have to see her again!

"Your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, okay? There were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents. So the joke, my friend, is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything. Nobody cares that I'm dead! (Beat). Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead?"
Ross, Friends

Vastra: I am trying to be delicate. I know how you can blush. When did this baby... begin?
The Doctor: Oh, you mean...
Vastra: Quite.
The Doctor: Well, how would I know? That's all human-y private stuff, it just sort of... goes on. They don't put up a balloon or anything!
Vastra: But could the child have begun on the TARDIS, in flight, in the Vortex?
The Doctor: No, no, impossible! It's all running about, sexy fish vampires and blowing up stuff. And Rory wasn't even there at the beginning. Then he was dead, then he didn't exist, then he was plastic. Then I had to reboot the whole universe... long story. So, technically, the first time they were on the TARDIS together, in this version of reality, was on their w-w-w-wwww...
Vastra: On their what?
The Doctor: [almost choking] On their wedding night.
Doctor Who, "A Good Man Goes to War"

[After the Doctor has just sabotaged a Dalek transmat device]
Ace: So no more Daleks can be transported here?
The Doctor: [Fiddling about inside the transmat] Well, it should slow them down a bit; until the operator can repair the system.
Ace: Operator?
The Doctor: [Distracted] Yes, the Daleks usually keep an operator on station in case of malfunctions.
Ace: And that would be... another Dalek?
The Doctor: ... Yes.
Doctor Who, "Remembrance of the Daleks"

Captain: Brad, what do you have in your hand?
Brad: A pin.
Captain: Your other hand?
Brad: A grenade.
Captain: And what doesn't work in what you just said to me?

Simmons: Damn. Got hydrocarbons up the wazoo, but not a single oxidising agent that would cause an explosion.
Fitz: No nitromethane?
Simmons: No.
Fitz: Sulphonic acid?
Simmons: No, just carbon, nitrogen, phosphorous...
Fitz: Waitwaitwaitwait. Did you find selenium?
Simmons: How did you know?
Fitz: Jemma, you didn't find pieces of bomb casing in that office. You found pieces of...
Both: Inhuman husk.
Simmons: Fitz, you're brilliant!
Fitz: Well, we both said it at the same time.
Simmons: So that means somebody in that office went through a Terrigenesis, and then what, just exploded?
Fitz: We've seen worse. Big question is, how did Shockley... survive it...?
Simmons: Bloody hell.

Spike: Our little witch gives her the info and pop - Alice heads back down the rabbit hole.
Adam: The witch.
Spike: Uh, Willow. About so high, perky, good with math. Natural choice.
Adam: Her friend.
Spike: Right.
Adam: One of the friends from whom you've so efficiently separated her.
Spike: Damn right I did. You should've seen 'em. They won't be talking to each other for a long, long... [beat] Hang on. I think I might have detected a small flaw.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Primeval"

[Buffy, Dawn, and Spike are discussing Glory's Mind Rape of Tara]
Dawn: How's Willow?
Buffy: She was looking to go all payback-y on Glory for a minute. But I cooled her down a little. Actually, a lot.
Spike: So, she's not gonna do anything rash then?
Buffy: No. I explained that there was no point.
Spike: [skeptically] Mm-hmm.
Buffy: What?
Spike: You - so you're saying that a... powerful and mightily pissed-off witch... was plannin' on going and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what, "explained"?
Buffy: You think she'd... no. I told Willow it would be like suicide!
Spike: I'd do it. Right person, person I loved. I'd do it.
Dawn: Think, Buffy. If Glory had done that to me...
[Buffy realizes they're right and dashes off to save Willow]
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Tough Love"

"I can do this. Everything's under control. The crying has stopped. My catapult's almost done. The baby's gone. (Beat) THE BABY'S GONE!!!"
Josh, Drake & Josh

I'm reviewing the situation
Can a fellow be a villain all his life?
All the trials and tribulations!
Better settle down and get myself a wife!
And a wife would cook and sew for me,
And come for me and go for me
And go for me and nag at me
The finger she will wag at me
The money she will take from me
A misery she'll make from me...
I think I'd better think it out again!
Fagin, Oliver!

    Video Games 
"Would the owner of a white hovercar shaped like an egg please report to the front desk? Your car has been broken into. Repeat: Would the owner of a white hovercar shaped like an egg please report the front desk? Your car has been broken i— wait a minute, what the HECK?!"
Dr. Eggman, Sonic Colors

"But as I left this mortal coil... I started to feel apprehensive. If you don't have a SOUL, what happens when you...? Something primal started to burn inside me. 'No,' I thought. I don't want to die!"

"Why am I telling you all of this? [Player], I said it before. Even after all this time... You're still the only one that understands me. You won't give me any worthless pity! Creatures like us... Would't hesitate to KILL each other if we got in each other's way. So that's... So... that's... Why..."'
Flowey, after realizing that you intend to kill him, and without a soul he won't go to the afterlife, Undertale

[Snake is riding down the elevator and gets a Codec call from Otacon]
Otacon: Snake, there's something I forgot to tell you before.
Snake: What?
Otacon: There were five stealth camouflage prototypes in my lab.
Snake: Yeah, so?
Otacon: If you take out the one I'm wearing, that leaves four.
Snake: Hey, this isn't first grade math class.
Otacon: I thought I'd get one for you, so I went back to the lab and...
Snake: Yeah?
Otacon: The four suits were missing. Also, about that elevator I checked out... it's really strange. It was like someone was intentionally holding it.
[BGM gets more dramatic as they start to put it together]
Snake: When you were riding on it, did the weight limit warning go off?
Otacon: That's another thing that bothered me about it. The warning went off and I know I couldn't be over the limit.
Snake: How much do you weigh?
Otacon: About 135. But that elevator had a weight limit of 650 pounds.
Snake: It would take at least five people to go over that limit...
[Otacon's face fills the image on the Codec screen, a look of terror on it]
Otacon: L-look out, Snake! The guys who stole my stealth prototypes are in there with you!!
Invisible Soldier: Too late, Snake! Time to die!

(defeat Proto fal'Cie Adam; battlefield goes dark)
Serah: I don't understand. How did the future Proto fal'Cie end up here?
Noel: This place must be like the Void Beyond - a crossroads where the past and future intersect.
Serah: And that would enable time travel... Noel, do you realize what this means? The Proto fal'Cie could have used this place to travel through time and infiltrate the artificial intelligence. Then it could have manipulated the AI to kill all the humans in the tower... and build the fal'Cie of Academia's future.
Noel: You're saying the Proto fal'Cie took control of the AI and ordered it to build... the Proto fal'Cie. It's a closed loop - a chicken-and-egg paradox.
Serah: Right. A paradox is exactly what it is. The Proto fal'Cie was trying to protect the distortion that gave birth to it.
Noel: And it knew all along that it was part of the paradox.
Serah: Just a sec! If the Proto fal'Cie can manipulate the past, that means...
(battlefield illuminates; Manipulators descend)
Noel: It can travel back in time and rebuild itself!
Mog: As long as the crossroads exist, you cannot defeat the Proto fal'Cie, kupo!
(begin fight against Proto fal'Cie Adam)

Alphinaud: Tell me something, Alisaie.
Alphinaud: Have you not managed to determine by whose will Bahamut exists?
Alisaie: No, I have not. At first, I assumed that Bahamut had no people of his own—that the Allagans had perhaps discovered a way to simulate prayer itself.
Alisaie: However, Nael's words gave me cause to reconsider—specifically, the shade's mention of Bahamut's "beloved children."
Alisaie: From that, I inferred that the primal is given form by the will of worshipers whom we have yet to—
Alisaie: Oh.
Alisaie: Gods strike me down for a blind fool!
Alisaie: Bahamut's beloved children, right there before my very eyes... How could I be so stupid?
Alisaie: Who else but the dragons of eld would summon Bahamut? Who else but they could sustain him? And to think I wondered why the Allagans kept them imprisoned here!
Final Fantasy XIV, "The Final Coil of Bahamut - Turn 1"

"This Quest is for experienced Special Permit holders only. We've a Bloodbath Diablos at Ingle Isle that needs hunting. ...Actually, word just in is that there are two Bloodbath Diablos on the island. Good luck, Hunter!"
Chief Researcher, Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate, "Bloodbath G5: Hunt"

    Web Animation 
Yeah, so we never told Antoine [Griezmann] about the secret fight club because he's always got thousands of cameras following him. [suddenly realizes he's talking to the Confession Cam] Oh, wait, f[bleep]k.
Diego Costa, The Champions

    Web Video 
Vegeta: Why isn't it here? I don't get it! Who could have- The kid! But... how could he have found it? It was- wait... the watch... that watch was no watch at all! It was some kind of Dragon Ball locator! Which means... which means...
Ghost Nappa: He took the Dragon Ball.

Asuna: Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing?!
Kirito: Well, clearly I'm stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me— Oh god, what am I doing?

Brett: [Reading a screen prompt after a successful mission] Pigug the Shadow escape- [Beat as Brett remembers who that is] Pigug... Shadow... Escaped...

"No, we didn't really have 'The Internet' back then. And it's not that old! It's only, like, twenty-one years ol... my God. Super Mario Kart is old enough to drink."
Gabe, Penny Arcade

Joyce: My brother Joshua took me out himself. He always said it was important. He'd always point to these old photos of our parents taking out John and Jordan, he'd show them to me, and he'd show them to my mom...
Joyce: [sudden realization]
Sarah: ... Your family eventually had a problem with Halloween.
Joyce: My family had a problem with Halloween!

    Western Animation 
Steven: Well, everyone else managed to get off the ship, so where were you?
Lars: I ran and hid, Steven, like any sensible person would... do... if they wanted to get trapped on a ship. Oh.
Steven Universe, "Stuck Together"

Stockman: That ploy might have worked against a lesser mechanoid, but as always, I'm one step ahead in my design work. In addition to the central power nodules, each component in my cyborg armor has its own internal backup power source! Hah!
Donnie: [approaches the Arm Cannon Leo previously sliced off] So, what you're saying is... this arm should still be fully functional, right? [levels it at Stockman]
Stockman: ...Oh no.

"Oh, what're you gaping at? The curse is only activated if you ring the gong three times and — and — and you already hit it two times, didn't you?"
Scrooge McDuck, talking about a gong that's supposed to unleash a gold-eating dragon, Ducktales 2017, episode "Woo-oo!"

[singing to the tune of the theme of The Flintstones] ♪Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history! From the! Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree!♪ —AAAAH! [hits chestnut tree]
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Now for a little peace and quiet...and gardening. Hmm... Where did I leave my shovel? Oh, yes, it's right outside THE DOOR?! (screams and panics) THE DOOR! I FORGOT TO MAKE A DOOR! I can't get out! I'm trapped! DOOMED!
Rabbit, The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; "No Rabbit's a Fortress"

Max: Why is that pipe cornered from our water meter to your water meter?
P.J.: And what's that supposed to mean, Max, huh? Are you suggesting my dad would do something unethical and dishonest? (realizes who he's talking about) For the sake of our friendship, don't answer that.
Goof Troop, "Bringin' On the Rain"


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