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It was the best night ever!
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    Season One 
  • From "Pilot":
    Ted: Kids, when you're out on a first date, you really don't want to say Smurf penis. Girls don't usually like that.
    • Barney kissing Marshall.
    • The cab driver asking about the spankings. "So, these spankings. You in pajamas, or au naturel?"
    • Lily with an eyepatch, freaking out when Marshall speaks from outside her field of vision. And then she teases Ted for not kissing Robin.
      Lily: Aw, Ted, that is so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch.
    • Ted suggesting Robin throw a drink at him. "That IS fun."
    • Ted's daughter facepalming after Ted admits he said "I love you" on his first date with Robin.
  • From "Purple Giraffe":
    • Ted runs into Lily and Robin talking at the bar.
      Ted: Since when did you guys know each other?
      Robin: [points to the top of her empty glass] Since about here. Lily recognized me from the news and they [notices Marshall and Lily are making out] Hello sailor!
    • Later in the episode, Marshall flips out at Ted for throwing three consecutive parties to hang out with Robin, who happens to be right behind him. Upon noticing her, he stammers for a moment, before grabbing Lily and heading for the bedroom.
  • Another hilarious moment is in "Okay Awesome" from the first season when Ted is saying random things like "I got kicked out of Sea World for humping a dolphin" which are in subtitles and just as the music dies down, you hear Ted yell out "I'M WETTING MY PANTS!!"
    • At Marshall and Lily's wine-tasting party:
      Marshall: You know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Clara's ultrasound video, and I swear to god, even the baby looks bored.
      Lily: Come on, it's not that bad. We're really starting to click with these guys. Clara and Austin just invited us to their fondue fest next Saturday night!
      Marshall: Are you honestly trying to get me excited about fondue?
      Lily: It's dipping stuff in hot cheese, what's not to love?
      Marshall: [beat] Okay that does sound good.
    • Minor, but there's a very strong implication that Marshall got high on some sort of drug (most likely cocaine) when he went to the bathroom at the club.
    • Robin and Lily's conversation outside the club.
      Robin: I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
      Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day. [beat] [both Robin and Lily giggle]
    • Robin saying that a guy is going to get her into the VIP Room.
      Barney: He just wants to show his own VIP, if you know what I mean.
      Robin: Alright, what does VIP stand for in your weird universe?
      Barney: [beat] Well I know the P is Penis.
  • Barney and some random dude at a Halloween party acting as Ted's shoulder devil and angel, respectively over whether he should pee off the roof rather than wait in line for the bathroom. Then the angel asks if they have any weed.
  • The cockamouse.
    • "...It can fly..." [Beat] "...AND IT'S COMING THIS WAY!"
  • Poor Lily walking into the apartment during Ted and Marshall's sword fight over the apartment, right when the table collapses under Marshall.
    Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!
    Marshall:: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through. .
    Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?!
    • Moments before this, Lily asking the Doctor to send in "the Knights of the poorly constructed round table."
    • When Lily comes home to her apartment for the first time in 3 months and discovers that during the interim it's been turned into a Chinese restaurant... and still furnished with most of her things.
  • "Belly Full Of Turkey", the gang ends up spending Thanksgiving at a strip club, while Robin muses at the weirdness of "Thanksgiving in November", and Ted chats up a stripper:
    Stripper: I'm Amber.
    Ted: Oh, I'm Ted.
    Stripper: Actually, I'm Tracey.
    Ted: [beat] Still Ted.
    Future!Ted: And that kids is the true story of how I met your mother.
    Future!Kids: WHAT?
    Future!Ted: Haha, I'm kidding.
    • This becomes even more Hilarious in Hindsight when it turns out that the mother's name really was Tracey.
    • Earlier in the episode, Robin and Ted are shocked to find Barney volunteering at the shelter.
      Ted: What are you doing here?
      Barney: Oh, just the Lord's work.
      Ted: But you're Satan.
  • From "The Pineapple Incident":
    Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire.
    Ted: Hey, how easy do you think it is to sneak into a zoo? I have to see some penguins like right now!
    Ted: Hey I'm something me.
    Ted: Barney, you may go to my stables and take my finest horse. His name is Windjammer!
  • In "Drumroll Please" when Barney says "The meter's running dude! Crap or get off the pot!"
  • "I wanna know you. Like, know your soul."
  • In "Game Night," Ted asks Marshall and Lily not to embarrass him in front of Victoria.
    Lily: Us? What would we do?
    Ted: Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents I still have and in fact moved here to get away from.
    • The group moves down to the bar after Barney storms out. Then it turns out Marshall brought the Twister spinner with him.
      Marshall: Well we're not gonna stop playing just because Ted's so far ahead!
      Ted: I was winning?
  • In "Cupcake", Marshall accuses Barney of deliberately setting him up to get a massive bill from his tailor to force him to accept his job offer. Barney, in a shocked and indignant tone, starts to say, "I most certainly did not!" but trails off after "did."
    • This starts from Barney coming into the apartment and finding Marshall using a marker to put colored patches on his underwear so that the holes in his suit don't show. Barney tells him to just wear another suit.
      Marshall: I don't have another suit! My only other suit options are "track" or birthday!
    • Barney then tells him to come with him to Barney's tailor, and when Marshall refuses, proceeds to rip a hole in Marshall's pants.
      Marshall: So, noon?
    • Lily sits on a cake. While wearing a massively expensive dress. Then tears the dress accidentally. Luckily, Barney had offered to get Marshall an interview at his company so Marshall could put the suit to good use.
      Marshall: [to Barney] So, noon?
  • From "Life Amongst the Gorillas":
    • Lily can't say the word "sack" without giggling.
  • "Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM"
    • Barney and Robin come to Lily's class to explain what they do for a living. On the blackboard behind them, there's a listing of who's coming in today, reading: "Fireman, Doctor, Reporter, Barney - Not the purple one."
  • In "Life Among the Gorillas", Marshall and Lily's argument about Marshall's package (house, money, etc)
    Marshall: I just thought, maybe I can make some money for a few years. We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. You could quit your job and focus on your painting, I know you say you don't need it, but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I wanna give you the package.
    Lily: Package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package Marshall, I love your package.
    Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package.
    Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a HUGE package.
    • Also, right after that dialogue, a woman who overheard the conversation, turns around and looks at Marshall with a very... interested look on her face. Marshall, realizing how the conversation sounded like, shrugs it off with an ironic "Yeah..."
      • Even better, so does the guy behind her.
  • In "Mary the Paralegal", Ted's conversation with Mary when he mistakenly thinks she's a prostitute.
    Mary: I've had clients riding me all day. And this one guy: anal, anal, anal!
  • From "Best Prom Ever," the nerd at the prom pulling out a pair of nunchuku.
    • "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but my wardrobe just isn't slutty enough."
    • Barney using an Air-Vent Passageway to get into the prom and immediately getting caught. Then bribing a janitor for a mascot costume (as a turtle) so he could sneak in.
      Ted: But you got in! Slow and steady won the race!
      • Later, after the aforementioned nunchuku incident, the boys get kicked out of the prom. Barney steals the head for the turtle costume out of the security guard's hands and legs it, letting Marshall and Ted get back in.
        Ted: You know for a turtle he's surprisingly quick.
  • Ted winds up in Duchess County after helping Lily with something she can't tell Marshall about. She then leaves him there. So he calls Barney. Unfortunately, Marshall happens to be there.
    Marshall: What are you doing in Duchess County?

    Season Two 
  • From "Where Were We?"
    • Ted talking to Marshall, and telling him not to call Lily.
      Ted: Listen. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first. And I will punch you in the face!
      Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.
    • Barney immediately realizing that Ted and Robin finally hooked up.
      Barney: We are about to embark on...[looks between Ted and Robin] Aw man, you guys did it, didn't you!
    • Ted offering Marshall some food.
      Marshall: What's the point? I could eat some food but it's just gonna leave me!
      Ted: Well at least in that scenario, you get to do the dumping! C'mon, it's Sunday, it's pancakes day!
      Marshall: Lily always made the pancakes. God, I loved her pancakes. So soft, so warm, so perfectly shaped.
      Ted: Are we still talking about her pancakes?
    • Ted giving Marshall a pep talk, telling him about the day they met and how since there was a Marshall before Lily, there can be one after her, too. It's heartwarming, then:
      Marshall: Ted? I was high that day. I was so high, I thought you were the dean.
  • From "Brunch":
    • Marshall's response to Lily breaking out a low-cut dress and deep breathing? Breaking out a certain body part she has a weakness to. His calves.
    • It turns out Robin is the first girl Ted's dated who hasn't been asked by Ted's mom whether she's considered kids.
      Robin: So great to know I'm the one girl your mom doesn't want you to have kids with.
      Ted: [weakly] ...Hoo-ray?
    • Lily deliberately drops an ice-cube down her cleavage.
      Marshall: That's it, I'm out of here. [stands up to leave] [sits back down] Never mind.
    • Barney is kissing up to Ted's parents and invites his mom to an 8 AM Mass.
      Ted: You're able to cross the threshold of a church?
    • Marshall and Lily sniping at each other over brunch.
      Marshall: Are you wearing a push-up bra?
      Lily: Did you mystic-tan your calves?
      Marshall: I withdraw the question.
  • Barney attempting to "tame the cougar" (Marshall's smoking-hot law professor, played by Jane Seymour) in "Aldrin Justice." Barney expects a desperate old lady, and instead ends up completely at the cougar's mercy! The entire time, the professor remains aloof, detached, and completely deadpan.
    Barney: That was amazing!
    Prof. Lewis: ...C-minus.
    Barney: C-minus?! What are you talking about? I pulled an all-nighter!
    Prof. Lewis: You didn't budget your time well, you glossed over some of the most important points, and your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.
    • Later:
      Barney: I think I'm falling in love with you...
      Prof. Lewis: Oh, dear God, please tell me that wasn't your first time. (beat) Although that would explain a lot.
      Barney: We had sex yesterday!
      Prof. Lewis: ...Oh, right. That. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the Spring semester.
    • At the end of the episode, he pulls off what she deems a B-plus effort...and breaks his hip in the process, something he had taunted her about earlier in the episode.
      Barney: It's not broken! [beat] It's just temporarily dislocated!
  • In second season, anything related to Hammond Druthers' 'tower.' Especially because almost every time it's referenced they use euphemisms, and the actual tower is always covered up, even when the businessmen arrive to see it, and his face falls, followed by a quietly surprised:
    Businessman: That's a penis!
    Businessman: I'm not building a penis.
  • "Let's Go To The Mall — today!"
  • SWARLEY!!!!! [Cue Cheers theme song]
    Radio Host: "This next one's goin' out to Swarley. All your friends know you miss Barney, but he's gone, and you gotta accept that, baby. And Swarley, you're gonna be a better woman for it."
  • Lily proposing to Marshall, and teasing him about how his proposal to her went.
    • Barney running into the Chinese gamblers in Atlantic City. Particularly their attempts at his catchphrases.
    • The utterly baffling Chinese game that Barney plays to get the money to bribe a ship captain into taking Lily and Marshall out to international waters and marrying them.
      Robin: Is Barney winning?
      Ted: I don't even know if he's playing.
  • The first slap in "Slap Bet", coupled with the first time we see Robin Sparkles.
  • Barney refusing to support that his gay, black brother is going to marry a white guy. Not because of the gay marriage thing, or interracial marriage thing, but because it is a marriage. He tells everyone how it is going to destroy singles everywhere:
    Barney: "If gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it... Think of how the American family will be strengthened!
    • When James tells Barney he & Tom are going to adopt, Barney immediately goes from denouncing his brother's marriage to sheer adorable glee over becoming an uncle.
  • From "How Lily Stole Christmas", at the end where Ted is celebrating Christmas with some very religious family members. The gang comes over, Lily admits to having been a "Grinch", where one of the kids ask what a "Grinch" is. About 10 seconds later, we hear the kids cheering "Grinch, Grinch, Grinch". And a shocked Ted and Lily proceed to quickly leave. Knowing which word "Grinch" is being used instead of, it becomes hilarious.
    • Don't forget the part where the kid asks his mom what "Grinch" meant. Cue Spit Take.
    • After Lily stole the apartment's Christmas decorations:
      Ted: [Lily] stole all the Christmas presents! What a Grinch!
      Future!Ted: That time I really did say Grinch.
      • Moments before this, Future Ted remarks that "this was a problem not even alcohol could solve." Then present Ted chugs the apology beer he'd bought Lily.
        Future Ted: Actually, the beer helped a little!
    • From the same episode, there's the bit where Robin has to take care of a sick Barney, whose whining gets on her nerves so much that she eventually drugs him. In light of the two of them becoming an Official Couple, it becomes even funnier in rewatch.
    • Later in the episode, we get a flashback to Ted, Marshall, and Lily in college, stoned out of their gourds. Ted and Lily are talking, and then Marshall comes in.
      Ted: Dude, how was the concert?
      Marshall: I couldn't find...outside. [starts laughing]
  • Robin trying to get past The "I Love You" Stigma.
    Future Ted: (narrating) And then there's the moment you know you know it, and you can't keep it in anymore.
    Robin: Ted?
    Ted: Yeah?
  • From "Monday Night Football":
    • Ted and Marshall praying to the Tivo gods.
      Ted: Almighty Tivo. We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The ability to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, Oh Magic Box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats. [both Marshall and Ted say Amen]
  • Barney dresses up like a robot and acts in a horrible one-man play, in which the robot falls in love with a toaster and starts tap-dancing. Marshall interrupts the play by slapping Barney so hard he falls over.
    • The first forty minutes of said play involve him saying the word "moist" over and over again because he knows Lily hates the word. After that he crouches at the front of the stage and starts shooting her in the face with a small squirt-gun.
    • "Toaster oven, you're the onnnnnnne!" Also, Barney, as part of the play, keeps saying "Moist" directed at Lily. That's now a running joke around this household. The more diehard fans (myself included) have even adapted Ted and Robin's running joke of saluting when someone uses a military term ie, "You're being a major buzzkill!" * Salutes* "Major Buzzkill!"
  • Ted trying to teach Barney how to drive in "Arrivderci, Fiero."
    • Marshall's initiation test for his brother's Fiero. The mere sight of Marshall with: a mullet, acne, braces and no clothes on while screaming as hot coffee burns his skin is enough to make anyone's sides split.
    • Lily and Robin take the Fiero out to get some Thai food. One speedbump later, the car's entire interior is drenched in Thai sauces.
    • When Ted and Marshall drive across the country, with only the 500 miles song to listen to:
      Ted: I'm so sick of this song.
      Marshall: Don't worry, it'll come back around.
      Ted: What will?
    • Later, when Ted and Marshall are huddling together for warmth:
      Ted: Are you still thinking about Lily?
      Marshall: Yeah.
      Ted: Please stop.
  • Barney's phonecall to Ted while he's holding all his stuff hostage in "Moving Day":
    Barney: This isn't Barney... but I hear that guy's awesome. Alright. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one. Put on the suit. Number two. Meet me at [McLarens] in an hour.
    Ted: [deadpan] How will I know who to look for, since we've never met?
    Barney: [beat] I look like Barney. [winces]
    • Even better because the tense music stops when Ted points out that gaping hole in Barney's plan.
    Barney: This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs. [looks at Robin] This is bad for you too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?
    Robin: I'm not wearing makeup right now.
    Barney: Holy crap, you're beautiful!
    • With Ted gone, Marshall and Lily decide to celebrate, realizing that now that they live alone, they don't have to confine themselves to the bedroom, or be quiet. Cut to them fully clothed, on opposite ends of the couch, quietly arguing with each other.
    • Barney's David Letterman impression.
      And the #1 name I came up with for the moving van before Ted had been a jerk and taken it back, "The '69 Chevy!"
  • The half-euphemism from Bachelor Party.
    • "Battery-powered adult recreational...fake penis."
      • And then when Robin finds out that the party is filled with elderly, uptight women far too late to get a different gift, she winds up switching the "From" cards on her gift and another one...which happens to have been from Lily's grandmother. Robin has apparently been stress-drinking and her increasingly pained faces as she finds out who the gift is marked as from now, followed by Lily's grandmother (who thought she was giving Lily an antique sewing machine) making a speech before Lily opens the gift, are priceless.
        Grandma Lois: This handy little device has been in our family for generations. I used it, your grandmother used it. Now, her mother didn't use this one, but she used one just like it. Course, back then, they were made out of wood. And before then, just had to do it by hand.
      • And then, after checking in with how the guys' half of the story is going, they cut back to her grandmother, still going.
        Grandma Lois: When I was a girl, my mother taught my sister and I to use it. We used to have contests to see who could finish faster. It was so exciting, the whole family would gather around to watch. And then, when I was a new bride, this is what kept me busy, all those long nights when your grandfather was in Korea. And speaking of your grandfather, though I don't think he'd care to admit this to any of his army buddies, but he'd have a go at it every once in a while. And he enjoyed it!
  • At Lily and Marshall's wedding:
    Marshall: Hat. We thought of "authentic Native American headdress" before we thought of "hat".
    • After Marshall comes in with the bleached tips that lead to the above line, he starts freaking out.
      Marshall: Lily is gonna kill me! Look at me! She's not gonna wanna marry me like this!
      Ted: That's crazy, of course she will!
      Marshall: Would you marry me?
      Ted: No, but not because of the hair. It's because I have a rule - never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with.
      Marshall: Oh great, so now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married?
    • The hilarious moment when Marshall actually shaves his head. His Slasher Smile as he turns around seals the deal.
    • Literally the second after the two have their "you may now kiss the bride" kiss, Marshall frowns.
      Marshall: Did you smoke?
      Lily: ...No?
      Robin: [to Ted] Wow, first lie of the marriage, that didn't take long.
  • "And Ted, my boy, it's going to be legen- wait for it!"

    Season Three 
  • "-dary!"
  • Marshall, Lily and Barney's reactions once they discover that Ted got a Tramp Stamp of a butterfly.
    • First Marshall and Lily got to remain calm in front of Ted, and their first action is to call Barney immediately.
    • Once Barney arrived, they managed to make Ted show his tattoo to Barney without noticing it yet, and Barney falls over when he sees it. Barney trying to contain his laughter is hilarious, then followed by all the puns at its expense until they finally decide to let him know about it.
    • Ted goes over to Robin's house, telling her that he can't deal with a polite, calm breakup with no yelling, so now he's going to yell.
      Robin: You shaved.
      Ted: I did!
      Robin: I liked the beard.
      Ted: I did too, but it was getting kinda hot. Maybe, when it gets colder, I'LL GROW IT BACK OUT AGAIN! [beat] Okay, I'm done.
    • Robin reassures Ted that the guy she came back from Argentina with isn't perfect.
      Ted: Name one way I'm better than that guy.
      Robin: You're bigger.
      Ted: Don't patronize me, if anything he may even be a little taller.
      Robin: No, Ted. You're bigger.
      [beat] [Gilligan Cut to Ted in the bar with Marshall and Barney]
      Ted: I win!
      Future!Ted: Kids, I can't remember exactly what helped me get through the whole Robin-Gael incident. I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful and not at all macho and petty.
  • The ending of "Third Wheel" involves Barney trying to figure out if Ted slept with two women at the same time or not. Barney going back and forth (mostly with himself) with Ted barely saying a word gives the impression that Barney's head is about to explode.
  • In "Little Boys", the tiny Barneys are hilarious, but even they pale before the teeny tiny dancing Ted at the end of the episode.
  • In "How I Met Everyone Else", they're telling the story of how Barney and Marshall's first encounter went. Barney challenged Marshall to go up to a random chick, who is actually Lily, but Barney hasn't met her yet, and get her number. Marshall went up...and started making out with her.
    Barney: [Spit Take] That man is a GOD!
    • Then Marshall reveals that for two weeks afterwards, Barney followed him around, asking Marshall to teach him how to live. He even did Marshall's laundry once.
      Barney: I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi sort of thing!
  • Ted's guesses of what his friends finds wrong with his Girl of the Week. First guess is that she claimed her English teacher had sex with her and he was put in jail with uncomfortable looks from everyone, even Barney. Second guess is that she volunteers at the pound and gets an adrenaline rush from putting puppies to sleep and makes bracelets out of their collars, which makes Robin uncomfortable. Third guess is that she used to have a penis and causes Barney to have a Spit Take.
    • At the end of the episode, Ted sees her with a deaf guy, making them perfect for each other. Ted signs to him "She sure does talk a lot, doesn't she?"
  • From "Slapsgiving":
    • "See, what I'm doing here, is that these are turkeys, but they are also hands. Because we're gonna eat turkey, and then I'm gonna slap you in your face."
      • The Cheshire Cat Grin that Marshall shows while saying it, specially the "and then I'm gonna slap you in your face" part, makes it even funnier.
    • "Did you know that some mushrooms are carnivorous? ... Probably?"
      • "...not?"
    • Barney tries to pretend that the countdown isn't getting to him, before eventually snapping, practically bursting into tears, and fleeing the apartment, claiming that Marshall can slap his face, "BUT YOU CAN'T SLAP MY MIND!"
    • Not to mention the look of pure joy on Marshall's face when Lily says "You can slap him."
    • Marshall's song, and Barney joining in on harmony.
  • The whole scene of the gang being in the gym, especially how the gang intentionally made fun of unattractive Robin in the gym.
  • In "The Platinum Rule," the flashbacks stack when the group are trying to persuade Ted that dating his doctor is a bad idea. We wind up with three layers of flashbacks.
  • From "Ten Sessions":
  • Barney singing at a karaoke bar while holding a baby's sock.
  • From "Sandcastles in the Sand", Robin's argument with Marshall and Lily being very reminiscent of a teenage girl arguing with her parents. Especially the bit at the end with Ted:
    Ted: ... So, today at work—
    Marshall: NOT NOW TED!
    Lily: Young lady have you been drinking?
    Robin: Yeah. We all have. You bought the last round.
    • Also Barney suddenly slipping into video game mode as they wait for the news that Robin crushed her jerk ex-boyfriend.
      Ted: The coup de grace!
      Barney: FINISH HIM!
      Robin: I'd love to!
      Barney: [imitates the game over sound from Pac-Man]
  • Even though it's in the middle of a massive Tear Jerker, when Barney asked Ted to punch him somewhere besides his face in "The Goat," Ted opting for a Groin Attack is pretty hilarious.
  • From "Miracles," after Barney gets hit by a bus, he's in a hospital bed with multiple broken limbs.
    Barney: I got one bone downstairs that ain't broken. Marshall, you know what I'm talking about. Up top! [wiggles the fingers on a casted arm]
    Marshall: Are you sure?
    Barney: Yeah, dude, why do you think I had them set it this way?
    Marshall: Okay...[hi-fives Barney's broken arm]
    Barney: [cries out in pain] ...Worth It!
    • Marshall deems Ted and Barney surviving car accidents that could easily have killed them a miracle. Robin denies this, and we finally find out that the reason she's so skeptical is that when she was a kid, her parents tried to pass off a turtle as her beloved but aged-beyond-capable living dog Serscratchewan after a "canine-testudine cerebral xenograft."
    Lily: ...How long did it take you to realize-
    Robin: Longer than I'm proud of, Lily. Longer than I'm proud of.
    • Moments later, Ted is informed that his tests came back and yeah, he's fine, he can leave and go get Stella back.
      Ted: Why didn't you tell me?
      Irritated Hospital Worker: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I should have stopped resuscitating that guy with the rake sticking out of his chest!
  • From the blooper reel, the scene where Marshall and Lily fight is revealed to actually be Jason Segal ranting about George Washington Carver's peanut experiments.

    Season Four 
  • Barney's attempt at calling up Robin and asking her out in "Do I Know You?", culminating with him panicking and trying to pass the whole thing off to Lily as a practical joke, and then running out of the room.
    Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.
    • The icing on the cake in this scene is when Robin calls him back a few minutes later and manages to do a perfect imitation of the sound he made.
    • Barney catches feelings.
    Barney: "I close my eyes, I see Robin! I... I hear a song, it reminds me of Robin!"
    Random hook-up walking out of the bedroom: "Morning!"
    Barney: "I sleep with that chick, I'm thinking about Robin!"
    • When Lily sets them up on a date, Barney panics.
    Barney: Wait, wait, I can't do this. She'll never take me seriously. She thinks I'm some womanizing idiot.
    Lily: Hey, we both know you're more than that. Just show Robin the Barney I met the other day.
    Barney: You mean the insecure, touchy-feely shemale who sounded alarmingly close to Ted?
    Lily: Hey, Ted hit that for over a year.
    Barney: [beat] Wish me luck. [goes in]
    • Marshall's astonishment at Stella never having seen Star Wars.
      Marshall: The only people who haven't seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars! And that's 'cause they lived 'em, Ted! They lived the Star Wars!
      • Ted high-fiving his fifteen-year-old self through the space-time continuum for getting engaged to a hot chick who likes Star Wars.
        Ted: We did it, you masturbating little bastard!
    • After it turns out Barney banged the gullible chick Robin set him up with:
    Lily: Damn it, Barney! I mean, for the last time, you can't, you can't be in love with Robin and still be sleeping with every bimbo on the planet. You have to choose right now.
    Barney: (thinks a moment) I choose bimbos.
    Lily: What?!
    Barney: Hey, Lily, bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos.
    Lily: No, no, this is just a defense mechanism because you're afraid of getting hurt. You're just confused.
    Barney: Oh, I'm not confused, Lily. You know who is confused? Bimbos. They're easily confused. It's one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares, their sluggish, unencumbered minds, their unresolved daddy issues. I love them, Lily, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin. Mostly thin. B-man don't do thick crust. What up? (raises hand for high five)
    Lily: See you, Barney.
  • The running gag of Robin being extremely hungry in "The Best Burger In New York" and constantly being denied the opportunity to eat. Not only is she always served her food last, but whenever she does get her burger, Marshall inevitably declares that they need to search for the burger elsewhere and the gang whisks her off just before she can take a bite. When the whole quest (temporarily) ends up nowhere, she ends up deliriously asking if they can order food from an ATM and Ted has to stop her from eating something off the sidewalk. Moments after that, we see her licking an envelope, presumably for the adhesive.
    • Marshall's ongoing job search:
    Future Ted: Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews.
    Marshall: [into the mirror] You are confident, you are energetic, you are focused!
    Future Ted: A lot of interviews.
    Marshall: You are flexible on salary, you're willing to compromise, you're not gonna cry this time.
    Future Ted: Too many interviews.
    Marshall: You are sad, you are beaten down. You will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants, and take a nap.
    • Ted's reaction to the delicious burger that starts the whole adventure:
    Ted: It's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at MacLaren's, where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.
    • Regis Philbin playing an exaggerated psychotic version of himself, who terrifies the boys into finding the burger for him on pain of bodily harm and blows off his new game show "Heads Or Tails" in order to get a bite.
    • Barney insisting that Chinese food, Indian food, and Mexican food are the same thing:
      Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
    • The reveal that, at the last place Lily and Marshall tried to find the titular burger, Marshall wasn't wearing pants.
    • Marshall's apparently off-the-cuff speech about how amazing the burger in question was is a little funny, but then, after he finishes:
    Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the internet.
  • From "I Heart New Jersey," the montage of how Ted really does hate New Jersey.
    Ted: Okay, so maybe New Jersey isn't my favorite state, but once Stella and I get married and Stella and Lucy move in with me, I'll never set foot in New Jersey again! Unless I'm going to see a Giants game. Or flying out of Newark. Or God forbid, disposing of a body.
    Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
    Ted: What if I murder you and bury you somewhere else?
    Lily: Eh. I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.
    • Barney refusing to lower his fist until someone bumps it after he makes a bad joke. It takes most of the episode, and by the end of it he's clearly in serious pain from holding his arm out for what seems to have been at least an hour. Then he makes another bad joke and asks for a high-five.
      Barney: [looks at his raised hand] Oh no.
  • "You know kids, I've walked into some weird things in the apartment..." (Lily painting a really strange still-life, Barney doing Harry Houdini's water tank escape trick, Robin getting into a Mexican Standoff with a pair of robbers, a goat)
  • During the montage of interventions the group has given each other, one is for Marshall wearing a Dr. Seuss-esque tall, striped hat. Robin's contribution is delivered in Seuss style iambic tetrameter.
    • "Dear Marshall,
    • I do not like that stupid hat,
    • I want to beat it with a bat.
    • Or maybe stab it with a fork;
    • it makes you look like such a dork."
    • It all starts with an intervention for Stuart's drinking. It's heartwarming, yes, but then Barney busts in with a bottle of alcohol, thinking they're celebrating Stuart's birthday and he's about to drink and get crazy.
      Barney: People don't want Bruce Banner, they want the Hulk! Hulk! Hulk! Hulk! What? [Lily whispers in his ear] Oh. [laughs nervously] Well, that's what I get for skimming the e-vite.
  • Ted talks with Tony about how he's going to be "sticking it to the mother of [Tony's] child."
    Ted: Actually, I've already been sticking it to her plenty of times why do I always have to correct people.
  • "Happily Ever After":
    • After Ted has a thought out confession to his friends about how he has finally gotten over Stella leaving him at the altar and how he is a changed man, Lily reminds him that the wedding was yesterday.
    • The montage of the gang's attempts to cheer Ted up (despite him insisting he's okay): Lily and Robin bring over pizza and beer (wanting to hang out), Marshall invites Ted to play a game of catch (baseball mitt included), and Barney brings over two women, not anticipating that Ted would be home.
    • "Finally, after two weeks, the inevitable emotions boiled over."
      Ted: Hey, you guys wanna get dinner?
      Lily: Oh, shut up... (everyone looks shocked)
      • "Ted, you've been through something traumatic, and we're trying to be there for you as friends, but you're not letting us, and it's pissing us off, you selfish bitch! (everyone looks shocked again) Sorry."
    • If you thought Ted calling her a "Grinch" was bad, apparently another thing Ted did while Lily was in San Francisco was to suggest to Marshall that he should set Lily's things on fire.
      Lily: Seriously?! Oh, nice, thanks Ted...
    • Ted's method of dealing with the fact that Stella was in the same restaurant as them?
      Ted: Everyone? Follow my lead... (ducks under the table)
  • One word: "Woooo!"
    Lily: "We saw you Woo."
    Robin: "Saw who woo?"
    Lily: "Saw you Woo."
    Robin: "I didn't Woo."
    Lily: "You did too."
    Robin: "That's not true."
    Lily: "Your nose just grew."
    • And Ted's second one when Barney tells him SVEN were fired:
  • Pretty much any moment one cares to pick from "The Naked Man", but the pose discussion stands out in particular.
    • And then, when the titular man gets proven right about his "two out of three times" success rate (Lily seduces Marshall with it, Ted scores with a girl from his building, and Barney gets thrown out on the street naked), Barney is running around NYC trying to find some clothes. He finds a rack of suits outside...and then passes them over with a look of disgust after a few moments perusal.
  • The flashback of Marshall and his brothers' fight club, while the song "Murder Train" plays in the background.
  • From "Little Minnesota":
    • When Robin beats Marshall's high score at Fisherman's Quest (FQ) and Marshall says, "SHE'S CANADIAAAAAAAAAN! ROBIN'S CANADIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
    • Marshall selecting a specific karaoke song in the Hoser Hut to mess with Robin.
    • Ted tells the others about his sister Heather.
    Ted: Here's the back of Heather's baseball card. It took her six years to graduate from three different colleges, during which time she wrecked two cars, got married for five days, and lived in a tree for nine weeks only to realize nobody had any intention of cutting it down.
    • And then, Heather shows up.
    Heather: I moved into your old room. Did you know you can see straight into Mrs. Gottwald's bedroom across the street?
    Ted: Oh yes, I am aware of that! How's she looking?
    Heather: Ted. She's sixty-two.
    Ted: Answer the question.
    Heather: [beat] Surprisingly perky!
    • Barney's Christmas-themed songs about wanting to nail Ted's sister and even ending it in a Hannukah song.
    Ted: You're like "Weird Al" Yankovic if he only wrote Christmas songs about banging my sister!
    • When Ted, Lily and Heather walk into the apartment, Barney spins around in a chair that he actually brought over just so he could spin around and say "I've been expecting you." when they entered.
  • "Benefits" has Barney's escalating "Awesome..." sequence. And the bit when the sledgehammer comes in through the wall of Marshall's bathroom.
    • Then later in the episode, we find out that Barney had a bathroom in his office the whole time.
    Marshall: SON OF A-
  • "Three Days of Snow" has a couple - Ted and Barney's bar montage to "Kokomo"; Lily and Rajit with the beer; Marshall's Double Entendre-fest while on the phone - but the most hilarious of all has to be "BINGO!"
    • When Ted and Barney realize just how many people they've agreed to bartend for, they have a telepathic conversation. Ted is in favor of closing up. Barney's response? More of "Kokomo" playing in his head. It works.
  • Barney's video resume.
  • From "The Stinsons":
  • Three words: DRUNK BABY LILY.
    • For context: while Marshall has to lead a meeting, Lily is in the building, utterly smashed on wine, and wearing a nightie. Marshall is trying to balance keeping her out of view with leading the meeting, and at one point Lily rockets by just outside the meeting room on a swivel chair, using a fire extinguisher as propulsion. Marshall quickly excuses himself to chase after her.
    Businessman on the TV: Did anyone else see the drunk chick?
  • "The Front Porch" has alot of hilarious moments.
    • Marshall giving his reasons for wearing his nightshirt, number one being that you don't have to wear anything underneath (With Ted asking him to cross his legs), number two being they're sexy (With Lily asking him to uncross his legs).
    • The Funny Background Event of Robin's show with her putting a chef on fire out, resuscitating the weatherman who has had a heart attack and helping birth a baby on Live TV with a look of utter disgust on her face.
  • The entirety of the episode "The Murtaugh List". Barney with pink hair and a pierced, infected ear, wearing what looks like fishnets over his clothes, having thrown out his back and blown out his knee.
    • "A gentleman's agreement!" "HUZZAH!!"
    • "Alright, chumps, let's do this! BARNEY STIIINSOON"
    • "My ear hurts so bad, I can hear it. I can hear my own ear. Think about that."
    • Robin dialing Barney so he'll put the phone to his infected ear. And that sadistic cackle.
  • In "Mosbius Designs," Marshall is worried he'll be laid off and asks if Barney shares that worry.
    Barney: Are you kidding? The things I know about this company, I won't ever be fired. I mean, there's a pretty good chance one day I'll wash up on shore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I won't be fired.
    • Marshall looking for his "thing":
    Marshall: Hey, Barney. I thought of a thing to make me more essential here. I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody loves a guy who recycles, right?
    Barney: Fired. What else you got?
    Marshall: I thought of a few others. Wacky Tie Guy.
    Barney: Fired.
    Marshall: Daily Fun Fact Guy?
    Barney: Did you know that you're fired?
    Marshall: I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?
    Barney: Downward-facing fired.
    Marshall: Monty Python Guy?
    Barney: [high-pitched] We are the knights who say, [normal voice] "You're fired."
    Marshall: Wait! Wait! I did use to run a fantasy baseball league back in law school.
    Barney: That's not bad. You might be onto something.
    Marshall: Awesome. Awesome! I'll be Fantasy Guy!
    Barney: We'll have to make you Sports Guy. We already have a Fantasy Guy.
    Fantasy Guy: [walking by, dressed like a wizard] What's up, bros?
    Barney: Hey, Frank.
    • At the end of the episode, Marshall and Barney are eating.
    Marshall: Hey, Food Guy!
    Barney: Hey, Toy Guy!
    Marshall: [sees a man dressed like a ninja, wielding a sword] Who's that guy?
    Barney: He doesn't work here....I think we should leave the building.
    Marshall: Really?
    Barney: This has happened before. [they start to leave slowly, then break into a run]
  • In "The Three Days Rule", Barney explains the Biblical origins of the titular rule, and goes on and on and on and on and on about it. The other actors' unconcealed and totally in-character Corpsing is the icing on the cake.
    Ted: Barney, the three-days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
    Barney: Jesus.
    Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
    Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he'd have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey, Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday." And then they'd be all, "You look pretty alive to me, dude." And then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle. And then the dude would be like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro."
    Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
    Barney: And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days. Three.
    Ted: Okay, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
    Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead." Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.
    • Turns into Fridge Heartwarming if you watch it close enough. Think about it: most of Barney's fake history lessons are pretty short. So why does he keep dragging this one out? Because Robin is sitting right next to him, cracking up. Every few seconds, he looks at her, smiles, and keeps going with his explanation. He made it longer than he otherwise would have because he was happy about the fact that he was making Robin laugh.
    • When Barney and Marshall are arguing over which one of them Ted has gay dreams about.
      Marshall: Ted and I have a history! I could do things to him that would blow his m... ...Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?
      Barney: I don't know; it's weird.
  • "As Fast As She Can"
    • Ted's breaking down over not being able to design a building shaped like a cowboy hat, calling it a "sick cosmic joke" that this is what his career has come to.
    Robin: You just need to get out of the house. Take a walk. Get a bagel.
    Ted: Yeah. Yeah, that'll solve everything. I haven't slept for thirty-four hours, but a bagel is the answer. A cinnamon raisin bagel, with a little cream cheese! [beat] Actually that sounds pretty good, I'm gonna get a bagel.
    • Marshall and Ted acting like the charts he kept messing around with were drugs.
    Ted: You wouldn't stop using, so we flushed your stash!
  • "The Leap"
    • When Robin says she's going to tell Barney "No" to them getting together:
    Lily: Oh, man, you're gonna break his...whatever it is that pumps that black sludge through his veins.
    • Ted getting beat up by a goat. A girl goat.

    Season Five 
  • T-Dog, you're in the wrong room bro.
  • Marshall's fantasy of Lily contracting a fatal hiccup disorder and dying that he has to imagine in order to be able to fantasise about other women in "Double Date". Especially fantasy-Lily telling Marshall that she wants him to find 'that busty delivery girl from that one time and plow her like a cornfield'.
    • The preacher at the funeral using the same phrase was even funnier.
    • Lily decides to help Marshall get over his guilt by letting him watch her stripper doppelganger. Then she gets into it and throws the stripper money.
    Lily: Crawl for it.
  • Barney's poem about the Sexless Innkeeper.
  • Also in "The Sexless Innkeeper", Marshall's obsession with making photo-montages over mundane events.
    • His double-date with Lily, Barney and Robin shows the latter two looking totally bored while he and Lily are totally excited. Followed by a photo of Marshall having just smashed up an egg-timer with a hammer.
    • The look on Marshall's face as he sneakily hides a food stain on the couch.
    • When Marshall catsits for Lily's mother. While he's photographing the two of them, the cat jumps out the window to its death. Marshall makes sure to take a photo of himself looking panicked.
    • "Cat Funeral" has Marshall solemnly singing about how it wasn't his fault, accompanied by pictures of Lily's mother about to throttle him.
    Cat funeral, cat funeral.
    It was an accident, and not entirely my fault.
    Meow, meow, meow, meow, Cat funeral, Cat funeral
    • Marshall's argument with Lily in which he says, "I make more money than you." Ask any woman and she'll tell you it's a Berserk Button. Followed by Barney and Ted's expressions:
      Barney: Ohhh, Marshall.
      Ted: Dude.
  • "Duel Citizenship" had a few - Lily's constant "I need to pee", 'TANTRUM!', and Robin's Canadian relapse.
    • Ted hallucinating.
      Future Ted: And then finally it happened. Marshall and Lily globbed into one big married glob.
      Marshall-Lily Glob: We'd love a cornmeal body scrub!
      Ted: Whoa. I gotta dial back on the Tantrum.
    • This troper has to give it to Marshall swearing he won't have ANY fun when Ted kidnaps him to drive the rest of the way, leaving Lily at the B&B, and the irony cut to "Four Minutes Later": "And I will walk five hundred miles and I will walk five hundred more!"
      • "Ol' Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac and got splattered like a watermelon at one o' them Gallagher shows."
    • Barney vs. Robin
    Barney: *Chanting* U-S-A! U-S-A! *The rest of the bar joins in* U-S-A!
    Robin: Okay, okay. You know, what does that even prove, okay? You chant anything, people will join in. *Chants* Ca-na-da! Ca-na-da! *No one joins in* Ca-na... Okay, they won't chant anything.
    Barney: Shrimp fried rice! Shrimp fried rice! *Rest of the bar joins in* Shrimp fried rice!
    Ted: *Just arrived* Shrimp fried rice, totally!
    • Barney's psyched about Robin taking the test for citizenship:
    Barney: But, you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. It's not like the Canadian citizenship test.
    Robin: How do you know the Canadian test is easy?
    Barney: It's Canada. Question 1: Do you want to be Canadian? Question 2: Really?
    • "I got six cans of Tantrum! Well, four cans. One burned through the can and I drank one." [rips a pillow in half] TANTRUM!
      • Marshall one-ups it by ripping a phonebook in half, and at the end of the episode, Lily (after drinking four cans) is riding on top of the car, screaming TANTRUM!
    Lily: TANTRUM!!! .. I have to pee.
  • "The Scuba Diver"
    • When it turns out Barney slept with the girl Lily was trying to hook Ted up with:
    Lily: Oh, and by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you.
    Ted: Hmm. Let me think, do I wanna go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? Guys, help me out with the harmonies? Hell no... [the others, including the new girl Barney's trying to score with using the Scuba Diver, join in with their own "Hell no"'s]
  • Tim Gunn's scene as Barney's tailor in "Girls vs. Suits". Mainly for Barney's extreme anthropomorphization of his "injured" suit.
    • Ted confiscates a bunch of alcohol from some underage students. He grabs two six-packs, and then:
    Ted: [Eyes the last six-pack] Hard lemonade? You know what, Boomer, you can keep that.
    • Cindy gives a brief description of her roommate.
    Ted: What's she like?
    Future Ted: I didn't know it, but I was about to hear the very first description of the woman I'd one day marry.
    • Cindy reveals that guys are always falling in love with her roommate.
    Present Ted: I promise you. I'm not going to fall in love with your roommate.
    Future Ted: [gleefully] Oops!
    Marshal: What would you do if you had to choose between your suits and a pot of gold?
    Barney: Suits.
    Ted: What would you say if you gave your suits away and in return you'd never grow old?
    Barney: Suits.
    Robin: What would you pick, one million chicks, or a single three piece suit?
    Barney: It's moot.
    Lily: What if world peace were within your reach and—
    Barney: I'm going to stop you right there. It's suits. C'mon Lily, get your head out of your ass.
    • And after the big finish, where Barney has made it about as clear as possible that he cares more about the suits than the girl, he stops and says "then again, she is pretty hot." Bonus points for the look of confusion Lily gives him.
    Barney: [back in the bedroom with the girl] I choose you, baby. First thing tomorrow, I'm getting rid of the suits. [looks over at his suit closet as the girl pulls him down on the bed and whispers] You guys are fine.
    • Barney claims that not wearing suits would be easy. Robin protests, saying that he's never not in a suit. Then we're given a picture of him from summer 2009 jet skiing while wearing a suit.
  • From "The Perfect Week", after Barney achieves the eponymous streak, the group hangs up his tie in the bar.
    Marshall: May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of for generations to come!
    Ted: Yeah, I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day and tell them about the time Barney nailed seven chicks in a row. [cut to Ted's kids]
    Future Ted: Am I a bad dad?
  • The gang's super long, super intense argument about which is better, rabbits or ducks.
    • Robin sits down at the bar with a pint glass.
    Ted: That beer looks a little flat.
    Robin: Oh, it's scotch.
    Ted: Whoa.
  • From "Hooked":
    Present Ted: Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her.
    Future Ted: I should have given up on her.
    Present Ted: This girl is special.
    Future Ted: She was the Devil!
    Present Ted: Things are gonna work out with Tiffany!
    Future Ted: No they're not, dumbass!
    • Followed almost immediately by Barney saying Ted needs to cut her out of his life forever...then finding out that Tiffany is a pharmaceutical sales rep, and immediately saying Ted needs to hold onto her forever.
    Barney: Ted. Is Tiffany a...pharmaceutical sales rep?
    Ted: Yeah, how'd you know?
    Barney: AND YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO MENTION THAT? [slams his hands down on the table, knocking a bowl of bar peanuts into the air]
    • Barney explains how throughout history hot women have typically flocked to one specific job. It's okay until he gets back to the modern day, when:
    Barney: And then man said, "life is hard. I should start taking lots of prescription drugs." And so hot girls rolled into doctor's offices looking sexy enough to render the very erection pills they peddled ironically redundant.
    • Barney then urges Ted to go on the prowl amongst the "pharma girls" with him.
    Barney: Join the Barnacle in a Pharma Girl Free-For-All! Side Effects May Include: Loss of clothing, rugburns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning what in the world is up!
    Marshall: I'm not gonna live forever!
  • Ted bursting into song during "Of Course" and Barney's reactions to it.
    • "Bang, bang, a-bang-ity bang, I said-a bang-bang-bang, bangity bang..."
      Ted: Hey Marshall, what are you doing?
      Marshall: Oh, just singing a song about this chick Barney banged.
      Ted: Well put me down for a verse!
    • At the end of the episode, Lily and Robin join in with them while Marshall pulls out a tiny banjo.
      • And Barney just sits on the couch, smiling.
  • "Say Cheese"
    • Lily really loves her birthdays.
    Lily: (at 00:00) It's my Birthday!! (a sleepy Marshall gives her a tiara and goes back to sleep)
    Lily: (at 09:00 am) It's STILL my Birthday!!
    • Barney has the same pose in every photograph.
    Barney:: "The camera loves me Robin. More than loves me. The camera lusts after me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights and do all the work while I just lie there with my eyes closed."
    • "Name that Bitch"
    • There's the discussion about Ted's habit of bringing "random skanks" to their gatherings.
    Lily: You should listen to Robin.
    Ted: Right. Because Robin's your best friend.
    Lily: Yes.
    Marshall: [Whispering to Lily] It's a trap!
    Ted: And what was Robin before she became your best friend? That's right, one of my random skanks!
    Robin: (who is sitting right beside Lily) Hey!
    Lily: Yes, this skank managed to work out-
    Robin: Hey!
    Lily: -but she's the skanky exception, not the skanky rule.
    Robin: Hey, I'm crying a little here.
    • After the flashback to one of Ted's random skanks, a smelly hippie calling herself Strawberry, who ruined the celebration at a restuarant of Marshall's passing the bar by screaming "Meat is murder!" and throwing red paint on the chef:
    Ted: Okay, Strawberry was a mistake, but how could I have known that going in?
    Barney, Robin, Marshall, and Lily: Her name was STRAWBERRY!!!
    • Also funny how Lily described her.
    Ted: (Flashback accoding to Lily) Hey, guys! This is "The Disgusting Smelly Hippie" I'm dating.
    Ted: I did NOT say that!
    Lily: Well, you might as well have.
  • The final scene of "Zoo or False". Both the reenactment of King Kong (1933), and the implication that Ted's embellishing the end of the story for his kids much as Barney just told him he would.
  • When Ted tells his friends he bought a house that is...not in good shape:
    Barney: And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over closing costs?
    • The inspection of the house.
      Inspector: I finished downstairs and the outside. Now I could keep looking and see what else I could find, besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage, the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards, hey! Look at that, no termites! The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, the outdated fuse box, and the paint job in the kitchen, which is fine, but the trim ''really'' clashes with the countertops. Or I could just recommend that you do not buy this godforsaken Guantanamo Bay of a house and suggest that we all get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind blows the whole sumbitch down.
      Ted: Well, uh...What if I already bought the sumbitch?
      Inspector: [beat] [fights a grin] Well, I'll check out the upstairs. [laughs uproariously as he leaves]
      Marshall: Did he say he found a hobo?
    • Ted then starts to defend the house with one of his usual heartfelt speeches, saying he sees a life he can have there. Then the inspector falls through the ceiling.
      Barney: I see a lawsuit!
      Inspector: [still on the floor] Found termites!
  • From "Twin Beds":
    • Don has no idea that Robin dated Barney. Or Ted. Or that Ted is straight.
    Don: Don't you think it's weird that Robin's still friends with Barney?
    Ted: I think it's weird that we're all still friends with Barney.
  • This exchange from "The Wedding Bride":
    Ted: Royce!
    Movie!Tony: Stella!
    Royce: Ted?
    Movie!Stella: Tony!
    Movie!Ted: Tony?!?
    Barney: Ted?
    Ted: Barney? (Barney slurps his drink)
    • And then:
    Barney: Kiss him!
    Future Ted: Kids... he didn't say "kiss".
    Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
    Future Ted: Still not saying "kiss".
    • Upon being thrown out by the usher:
    Barney: Who the kiss are you?
    • Also, in the same episode, when Robin claims that it is possible to tell how overly-nice Marshall is by watching him walk down the street. We see him do so, saying hello to everyone, even in different languages, helping fix bikes and even fake-begrudgingly breakdancing ("Oh you guys I could not today it would just be—") with some teenagers, in which the body double is hilariously obvious.
  • After Barney reacts to realizing he'd been making Robin feel bad with his womanizing after their breakup:
    Marshall: I can't believe you threw up in your Stormtrooper helmet.
    Barney: Eh. I did something worse in it after The Phantom Menace premiere.

    Season Six 
  • "Cleaning House":
    • "The entirety of Barney's reaction to his brother's birth father: from him believing he's a "really light-skinned African-American" (and Marshall asking his friends to just let him think he's black for a day), to him trying to sing Stand by Me alongside James and Sam (and Lily pulling him away by his tie repeatedly), to "Dad, look how fast I can run! Dad, you're not looking!" And of course, there's the ending bit with the auto-tuning!
    • The subplot had Robin trying to set up Ted and one of her coworkers, and being coached on how to avoid overselling him.
      • At first, Robin doesn't understand. Then Ted proceeds to compare it like overselling The Karate Kid by geeking out about it. Robin then realized that she did overhype him.
      • Then Robin did a very long and ridiculous text message about Ted's attributes and flaws that accidentally gets sent to everyone on her contacts list. Cue to the front of the truck, where Marshall, Lily, James and Barney are laughing their asses off while reading it.
      • Ted finally realized that Robin actually overhyped her coworker, by saying she resembled a celebrity.
        Robin: ...Yes, she does. She looks like Robert de Niro.
  • Marshall Vs. The Machines in "Subway Wars".
    • Then, he collapses at one point, and wakes up to find a guy in a mascot suit standing over him, doing advertising for an electronics shop. The mascot? A calculator.
    Marshall: [screams in terror] The machines have won!
  • "Baby Talk":
    Robin: In other news, later today a Manhattan architect gets punched in the throat.
    [Cut to Ted holding his throat]
    • The montage of Barney trying to pick up girls with pick-up lines that make him sound like a little boy.
      Barney: Do you wanna wrestle with our special bathing suit places?
    • Later in the episode, Robin visits Barney at his apartment and finds out that somehow, Barney did get a girl to sleep with him by talking like a little boy. It's just she's completely insane, and he's now terrified and she won't leave his apartment.
      Robin: I got this. [grabs a sword off the side table and walks into the bedroom]
  • From "Natural History":
    • Zoey calling Ted and GNB "fat cats."
      Ted: We're not fat cats, are we?
      Barney: Of course we're not. [adopts a posh accent] I say Marshall, how's my bowtie?
      Marshall: [in the same accent] Impeccable, old bean! To industry!
    • The flashback to the trio's college days, where Marshall and Lily accidentally tear a guy a new one for wearing a suit, calling him a corporate drone. He was on his way to his mom's funeral.
      Robin: I wish I knew you guys back then. You know why? Because you can't kick a story in the nuts!
    • Since The Captain gave himself his own nickname, Ted introduces himself as Galactic President Superstar Mcawesomeville. And The Captain rolls with it.
    • Robin and Barney running around the museum touching stuff, simply because they were told not to. Some especially funny moments include Robin opening a pair of beers on a stuffed lion's teeth, Barney dressing up as an Egyptian pharaoh, and the two of them enthusiastically playing the bongo drums on the shell of a stuffed turtle.
    • Ted running into a man with a monocle.
      Ted: Oh my god. You have a monocle! Is this real? Is this real?! [gets dragged away by Zoey] Good luck killing James Bond!
      • Later, he's seen with the same guy.
        Ted: Don't get me wrong, it's a great look, I think it could totally come back. But answer me this - is it half as expensive as regular glasses?
    • Ted is in top Deadpan Snarker form in this episode. When Zoey tells him that he's going down, he replies smartly:
      Ted: Down where? To the yacht club? I would love to! [Zoey walks away] Wait, I'm half Jewish! Will that be a problem?
  • In "Blitzgiving", Lily's explaining how the gang minus Ted ended up hanging out with Zoey, who's been a thorn in Ted's side. When they first see her, they start out talking about how to mess with her.
    Barney: And then, I'm just gonna leave her there...buck naked, covered in candle wax, tied to the bed.
    [everyone at the table stares at Barney in horror]
    Marshall: ...Barney, I know Ted doesn't like that girl, but that seems a little extreme.
    Barney: Wait, Ted doesn't like that girl?
  • The entirety of "Glitter". From the porn trope-infested "Space Teens" (the inexplicable Jiggle Show sequence along with the whole gang's reaction to Robin & Jessica "aiding" Alan Thicke both deserve special mentions) to Jessica as the NY Rangers' organist (with her playing some of the bars from "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" after mentioning Robin's previous suicide attempt) and "The Beaver Song", the whole episode is just spit-out-your-drink funny.
    Barney: Space Teens?! IS THIS A PORNO?! (prepares to slap Marshall)
    • It's worth mentioning that Marshall is recoiling in anticipation; even he was convinced!
    • Later, Barney and Ted sit down with Robin to watch more of it.
      Robin: But if either of you makes even one peep about this show being dirty, I'm turning it off. I'm serious!
      Robin Sparkles: Hey, Jessica, how's your beaver?
      [Spit Take from Ted and Barney]
  • "The Mermaid Theory"
    • Ted's inability to remember what Barney and Lily were fighting about.
    Barney: Lily, I guess that leaves just you and me. Wanna hang?
    Future!Ted: And then, Lily said something to Barney that insulted every fiber of his being.
    Lily: Nah.
    • The baffling Noodle Incident which features Ted randomly bursting into the bar wearing a gauzy green dress and informing Barney "Okay, now we're even!". It gets explained a season later (in the episode, "Now We're Even"), and is just as hilarious in context as out of it.
  • Barney's Leaning on the Fourth Wall moment in "False Positive" where he asks a girl to give the gift of booty. Then, when it fails, he immediately turns around and tries it on another girl.
    • Robin takes a new job. When she's getting her photo taken for her ID, she gives her biggest and brightest smile. Gilligan Cut to her photo, which shows Robin mid-convulsion.
    • Marshall freaks out after he thought he was gonna be a dad and starts waving for no reason.
  • Sexytimes go very wrong in "Oh, Honey" between "Honey" and Barney.
    "Who's your daddy?"
  • In "Garbage Island", Robin points out that Barney can't say "Nora" without smiling. He proceeds to prove her right, to the amusement of the others and his own embarrassment.
  • Robin's date, Scooby, whose behavior mirrors that of a dog. The scene where the gang is in the bar making jokes at Robin and Scooby's expense is a classic, as is the scene where Scooby escapes from the apartment and the gang finds him outside peeing on a fire hydrant.
  • From "Legendaddy":
    Barney: Look, it's been 30 years, and now, you just show out of nowhere. This is... this is gonna take me a minute.
    Barney's dad: Ah, I understand. By the way, helluva tie. Is that Italian silk?
    Barney: I love you, Daddy! I'm so glad we're best friends now!
  • From “The Exploding Meatball Sub”:
    • Ted telling how "challenging" his relationship with Zoey was, Lily has this to say:
      Lily: Your relationship sounds exhausting.
      Ted: Maybe yours is a little lazy.
      Lily: Marshall and I have been together for 15 years and the only debate we had about "Tommy Boy" is whether it's awesome or super-awesome. That's love, bitch. (Lily and Marshall high-five each other without looking)
    • Barney finally able to use his revenge on the year 2021.
    • When Ted attempted to speak Spanish, made funnier by the fact that the person he had to translate for spoke perfect English.
    • Robin tells Barney a long, apparently harrowing story about how she witnessed her father murder a man and helped him bury the body... which she almost immediately tells him she completely made up to get him drunk so he'd tell her what was wrong.
  • When the gang (along with Barney's dad) decided on which club to go to.
  • The return of the Cockamouse in "The Perfect Cocktail". And apparently, it had babies!
    • The whole gang's reactions to different kinds of alcohol, especially absinthe.
  • Ted's dream which motivates him to vote that the Arcadian be destroyed. Especially the end.
    Ted's Mom: Mommy has magic lady bits Teddy.
    • From the same episode, Ted and Barney wanting the buy a bar again, except this time, Marshall and Robin agree.
  • "I am the provider of this house. And I have provided! 'Provode'? Provided!"

    Season Seven 
  • The Ted Mosby Is A Jerk song, but especially this:
    "I know the truth about you, Ted Mosby. You look, and act, and talk like a real human being, but I know what you really are. You're a Cylon. And your only goal is total annihilation of the entire human race. I talked to my best friend, Dr. Baltar, and he told me, so don't tell me that you love me. Don't tell me that you have feelings, you can't have feelings. You're a frakking toaster!"
  • In the preview for season seven, Barney singing a part of Deee-Lite's Groove is in the Heart.
  • "Classic Schmosby Wedding Meltdown (Remix)"
  • From "The Best Man", we have CLASSIC SCHMOSBY!
    • At the start of the episode, Barney asks Ted if his tie is okay.
      Ted: Oh thank god. Barney Stinson needs your help the day of his wedding, you assume there's at least one dead hooker in the closet, right? [laughs, then checks the closet]
  • The Noodle Incident in "The Naked Truth" - "BARNELL!!"
    • Beercules. Especially Garrison Cootes's casual acknowledgement that yes, Marshall has a "huge snake", but needs to put on some pants.
    • The reveal that Marshall's old, constantly drunk, college buddy is a surgeon.
  • From "Ducky Tie":
    • Lily got her "pregnancy boobs," which is distracting literally everyone in the group.
    Ted: Jesus Lily, it's like you have a butt on your chest.
    • This leads to the bet over the titular tie.
    Lily: This whole thing stinks, I tells ya! It stinks!
    Robin: Lily, are you really suggesting that Barney spent six months commuting back and forth to Hoboken to learn a signature cooking style of a restaurant he doesn't even like so he could win a bet he hadn't even made yet? (beat) Yeah, the whole thing stinks.
    Lily: I am going to have to walk this earth knowing that Barney has touched my boobs.
    Robin: Yeah it stays with you. His email reminders don't help.
    • After Ted and Victoria kiss, both start freaking out, and Victoria blames herself.
      Victoria: I invited you to wash my dishes, I said my oven needed cleaning! I invited you into a porno!
  • Patrice in "The Stinson Missile Crisis" when Barney is sending Nora flowers, balloons and chocolate. And when Barney sings to Nora, Robin's sudden outburst:
    Patrice: He's so dreamy!
  • Barney attempting to show a presentation on sex lessons to Ted's class:
    Ted: [appalled] Barney, these are 18 year olds!
    Barney: [annoyed] Ted, these are 18 year olds.
  • Barney's film about trying to convince Marshall and Lily to find out the sex of their baby was written and produced by him and directed by McG.
    • Barney & Robin teasing Marshall & Lily about the sex of their baby.
    Barney: Twins! Is the feelgood comedy of 1988.
  • In "Noretta," Barney is convinced that he's finally going to get to have sex with Nora because she's mentioned he's getting a special treat that night. He finds out she's talking about ice skating, seems bummed, and then...
    Nora: [whispers into his ear] And after that we're going to shag.
    Barney: [leaps out of his seat] WE'RE GOING ICE SKATING EVERYBODY!
    • When she reveals that they're going ice skating instead of "Booty Town," Barney's brother James makes a follow-up to the Hurricane of Puns Barney had unleashed moments before.
    James: Pork Authority's closed, little buddy. Looks like it's Hand Central Station for you tonight!
    • Also in this episode, Ted claims to have given "Weird Al" Yankovic the idea for "Like A Surgeon", which none of the others believe. The final scene proves that Ted was telling the truth, complete with Al having a Eureka Moment.
  • From "The Slutty Pumpkin Returns," Lily's Pregnancy Brain. Her repeated attempts to say "the Slutty Pumpkin" resulting in things like "the snuffy tuffkin," "the sniffy napkin," and ending with "the slouchy foreskin...okay, I'm a little ty-ty," and setting her head down on the table.
    • And when Marshall points out she's being affected by it, she protests.
      Lily: Just because my body is growing a fungus -
      Marshall: Fetus.
      Lily: Doesn't mean my metal factories -
      Marshall: Mental faculties.
      Lily: Are in any way funicular!
      Marshall: [beat] No idea.
    • Barney finding out he's one-quarter Canadian, and the resulting shout-out to The Empire Strikes Back.
      Robin: [sticks a Canadian flag in his jacket pocket] Welcome to the tribe, hoser!
    • Barney's spit-take and hissing at the Canadian whiskey.
      Barney: I want scotch! American scotch! From Scotland!
    • Towards the end of the episode, Robin promises to stop teasing Barney about being Canadian - if he'll go to the Halloween party as a Mountie.
    Barney: You can't be serious.
    Robin: [adopts a heavy Canadian accent] Oh, I'm as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel.
    Barney: [beat] I don't know what any of those words mean.
    Robin: Yes you do.
    Barney: [ugly look as he realizes that yes, he does know what those words mean]
    • Ted finally finding the Slutty Pumpkin. He sees the costume in a shop, and asks the guy behind the counter if he has a record. The dude immediately breaks out a giant book, apparently having the records handy.
    • The epilogue of the episode, when Barney has a dream where he meets a Canadian version of himself with a Mountie outfit and stereotypical Canadian accent, and angrily punches him, but Canadian Barney is Too Kinky to Torture, annoying American Barney even further.
    Canadian Barney: Oh, hey there. I'm Barney. How are ya?
    American Barney: [seething anger] No, I'M BARNEY! [punches Canadian Barney in the face]
    Canadian Barney: Woah, that packed quite a wallop there. Hope you didn't hurt your hand.
    American Barney: Why are you so NICE?! [smashes a vase on Canadian Barney's head]
    Canadian Barney: Oh, sorry about my thick noodle there. How about we split the cost of the vase, eh? [punch] Holy Zamboni. [punch] Wow, you really put your weight behind that one. That was a really good one. [punch] Oh, heavens to Gretsky, that was a real chiclet rattler.
  • Disaster Averted is one of the funniest episodes they have ever done. Barney trying to get out of wearing the ducky-tie, Marshall's fear that whenever he goes anywhere he will be mauled by a bear. The random French interlude...
    • After Marshall goes to the bathroom, Barney starts to tell that Lily confessed humping Barney after Barney was humping Marshall's mom, which is really a lie so Barney can piss Marshall off enough to make him exchange his last slap for the Ducky Tie.
    Lily: Since this might be the end, I gotta confess something. Can I?
    Barney: Might as well.
    Lily: Barney and I have been doing the Wild thing. Long time, except a brief period during last year when he was shagging Marshall's mom. But likely, three ways were on the menu, so...
    (Back to reality)
    Robin: Marshall, you know she didn't say any of that, right?
    Marshall: (Ready to slap Barney) I know!! But I just wanna slap him so bad! But that tie is so stupid. But the slap would feel so good. But he hates that tie so much.
    • Then Kevin intervenes:
    Kevin: Perhaps I can help. Marshall, ask yourself this question. Why today? He hasn't say anything about that tie for weeks, and yet suddenly today, he can't wear it another second? Now there's a reason. He's got something coming up. Somewhere where you're on display. Vulnerable. Exposed. It's not work related. No, this is relationship stuff. You're trying to impress someone. In the lie you told, you said you were being chased by two goons, so it's two people. A couple, perhaps. You're meeting Nora's parents tomorrow!
    Barney: Wroooong!! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! It's in two days and I really want them to like me!!!
    (Ted and Kevin high five)
    Ted: Therapisted!! Shrinked? Shrunk?
    • When Barney exchanges having to wear the tie for three more slaps, he immediately accepts...then immediately regrets his decision when he sees Marshall limbering up.
    Barney: I wanna put the tie back on, I wanna put the tie back on, why do I have to be Barney right now? [gets slapped so hard he spins around and falls against the bar]
    • Then he almost immediately gets slapped again.
    Barney: I think I want to go home and re-evaluate how I make life decisions.
  • "Mystery vs. History, when Kevin finally flips out and rants about how codependent the whole group is.
    Kevin: About the only unhealthy behavior I haven't seen from you people is physical violence!
    A lightning-quick montage of the various times they have assaulted each other, set to "Murder Train"
    Group: Yeah, good thing we don't do that.
  • High Ted and Marshall's epic, hour long quest to get nachos for Lily. Everything from the nacho line to the guitar guy. Except, they were gone less than two minutes, and in the span of those two minutes, they ended up in the "nacho" (read: women's bathroom) line four times, the guitar guy was a cardboard cutout (It's a sign, bro) that Ted knocked over (Heart attack), and Ted pulled the nachos out of the garbage. Arguably, the abridged version was even funnier.
    • Ted - still high - sitting at MacLarens.
      Ted: Boy, it's good to be sober again. How long have we even been here?
      Kevin: Twelve seconds. [beat] And you're in the wrong booth. [camera pulls back to see Ted's one booth over]
  • From "The Rebound Girl", Marshall retells how he got signs of quitting his job, all those lead him to... be a Ghostbuster. More exactly a paramedic car passing by, a big sign with a Don't circle, a firehouse on sale and after running into Ernie Hudson on the street, he asks him to borrow his cellphone, to which Ernie replies "Who ya gonna call?". After the story, Marshall reevaluates and still wants to buy the firehouse. Lily's response is the punchline.
    Robin: And did Marshall become a Ghostbuster?
    Marshall: That firehouse is still for sale...
    Lily: Even Ernie Hudson begged you not to go through with that!
    Marshall: Ernie Hudson is a coward!!!
    (both Lily and Robin get mad at him)
  • Despite the overall sadness that is Symphony of Illumination, everyone's attempts to cheer Robin up in both her fantasy and real life are funny and sweet. Particularly Barney's failure at telling her jokes and then suddenly yelling "Pratfall!" and immediately falling over a seat of the booth.
    • There are a few funny moments earlier in the episode, like finding out Barney's friend "Insane" Dwayne got a girl (whom he would eventually marry) to go home with him using only one word, "Boner".
    • Robin explaining to Dr. Sonya that no, Barney's not her husband, and no, he's not her boyfriend either.
      Dr. Sonya: [rubbing her forehead] Oh boy.
      • Followed by Barney and Robin dancing when they find out she's not pregnant.
    • Robin repeatedly apologizing to her imaginary kids when she repeatedly says that she doesn't and will never want children.
    • Robin saying "screw you" to a baby because it's so cute.
  • The "Puzzles" theme song becomes a hundred times funnier when you realize that Ted and Barney took the time to write and rehearse this exchange:
    Ted: Puzzles is a place where people go to feel like they belong.
    Barney: Gonna take advantage of dumb drunk girls.
    Ted: No we're not.
    Barney: Bro!
    Ted: That would be wrong...
    • The reappearance of Doug, apparently now working as a bouncer. He made hats for New Years.
      Doug: And why is nobody wearing the hats I made?! [everyone scrambles to put them on]
    • The ticker along the bottom of the broadcast that Sandy Rivers is on lampshading how drunk he is, wondering if they can show that on TV, and suggesting people switch over to Seacrest.
  • How I Met Your Barney.
    • What about How I Met Your Mother, Russian version?
    • Drunk!Ted playing poker with Stripper Lily and New Marshall's buddies. Actually, pretty much every millisecond of Drunk!Ted in "46 Minutes" is a CMOF.
    Ted: "I was totally bluffing - I don't even have enough cards!"
    • "It is party for New York Yankees and Coca Cola".
    • "We built chip city! We built chip city on all your dough!" [gets his tie nailed to the table with a butterfly knife]
    • These thoughts occur as Robin, Barney and Ted decide what to do during the night
    New Marshall: I wonder why Dr. Kevin doesn't recognize me from all those sessions three years ago?
    Kevin: Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?
    • Robin and Kevin getting over the "relationship chicken" phase (earlier in the episode we'd seen that they had gone bungee jumping, birdwatching and to butcher classes because they didn't want to say no to each other) and telling each other that no, he doesn't want to go out to Long Island to see Marshall and Lily and no, she doesn't like high fiving him.
    Kevin: [internally] Aww, I really liked the high fives!
  • Ted's mental freakout while lying in bed after he asks Robin if she wants to get back together in "No Pressure". He comes up with the ridiculous excuse that he went insane due to lyme disease he got while camping, which Robin didn't know about because he goes camping in secret. Josh Radnor's facial expressions during the inner monologue are absolutely side-splitting, as is the moment when he decides to just tell Robin to forget he said anything, but when he gets up to find her at his door, he blurts out "I GO CAMPING IN SECRET!" just before Robin shoves her tongue down his throat.
    • She says they need to talk about it, saying that "if there's any more surprises, I'm gonna hit someone!" This is immediately followed by Patrice showing up and Ted just barely catching Robin's arm before she punches Patrice.
    • Robin hysterically screaming at Patrice, her arch-enemy from work.
    • When Lily has to leave Barney alone at her house and warns him to stay out of trouble, Future!Ted plays the scene from both Lily and Barney's points of view:
    Lily's POV: "While I'm gone, don't go snooping around in our stuff. I know you think we have a sex tape hidden somewhere, so I'll save you the trouble: we don't. Goodbye."
    Barney's POV: *in which everything in his line of sight is fogged out except for Lily's breasts* "Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-we have a sex tape hidden somewhere-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!"
    Barney: Challenge accepted!
    • Also, Lily and Marshall's attempts to respectively persuade and dissuade Barney from watching their sex tape.
    "I spank my own ass!"
  • In "Karma", Ted keeps trying to find hobbies to get over Robin. Turning the now-empty room into a smokehouse goes without incident, the chair he builds falls out from under him while he's talking to Barney, and when he tries pottery, he lobs a lump of clay onto a spinning pottery wheel only for it to shoot off and shatter the window.
    Imagined!Robin: Holy long walk for a short drink of water, Batman!
  • The Lampshade Hanging at the end of "The Broath." Especially considering who he's talking to.
    Ted: Well, that's the entire story of me and Robin, 2005 to the present. What do you think?
    Ned: I think your stories are way too long dude.
    Martin: I feel bad for your future kids.
    • Also the Gregorian chants: "Brooo, Broooooo, Bro-o-o-o-o"
    • As part of their apology, Barney makes Lily and Robin kiss. After that, he says, "Now the gentlemen-" and Marshall and Ted proceed to awkwardly kiss as well. Then...
    Barney: I was going to say, "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?
  • "Trilogy Time", when past Ted and Marshall (as college students) mention supply and demand, while goofing off. Ted realizes that they just used terms from economics, thinking they'll ace their finals. What does Future Ted reveal? "We both got zeros."
    • The guy across the street having a mental breakdown, trying to figure out why the "Well-Dressed Blonde Man" (Barney) comes outside everyday at 8pm, walks exactly 7 paces and smiles... cut to the bar, where we find out that Quinn having moved in with him means Barney can't fart in his apartment anymore.
      • Then finding out that he only walked out front because he didn't think of using the balcony. Where Quinn has been letting hers go.
  • "Now We're Even" has this hilarious lampshading of Ted's tendency towards Another Story for Another Time.
    Security Guard: This isn't my whole life. I'm in a band. And we're gonna make it.
    Ted: And, kids, they did make it. But I'll get to that later. ...You know what, I'm probably not going to get to that later. They had one song, it didn't suck, the end.
    • It's an especially well-timed lampshading, since the episode itself is following up on a previous instance of Ted promising to get to something later.
    • Earlier in the same episode, Ted talks about how great it is to be living alone.
    Ted: Because let's be honest. Sitting around watching tv, drinking beer and eating ribs alone is what every red-blooded American would rather be doing at all times!
    Marshall: Yeah but wouldn't it be better to have someone to share the...I mean, don't you get lonely without the...yeah, that sounds pretty great.
  • Marshall and Barney have their phones turned off for one hour to stop them worrying about everything. Lily goes into labour during this hour. Oops. Her messages to Marshall's phone get more panicked until...
    If you're trying to get back at me, you have chosen a WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE WAY OF DOING SO!
    • To get Marshall to turn off his phone (since he'd been going a little nuts about the impending birth), Barney promises to wear the ducky tie again.
    Marshall: The ducky tie? I thought you threw that thing away.
    Barney: I did. It came back.
  • From "The Magician's Code, Part 2" - Ted mentions the first thing that'll go through his kids heads the first time they see their best friend holding their child. Cut to Marshall and Ted in college.
    Past Marshall: [finishes stapling up a poster] [looks at the staplegun] I wonder how much this would hurt. [staples himself in the bicep] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
    Future Ted: That guy's a dad.
    • Ted meets Victoria at the bar, trying to subtly find out if she's still engaged or not. She shows a wedding dress. Ted's understandably baffled.
    Ted: So, what'll you order?
    Victoria: Oh, just black coffee.
    Ted: I like it that way too.
    Victoria: Yeah, it just tastes better to me.
    Ted: I find that if the beans are good enough you really don't need - why are you in a wedding dress?!?!
    • Barney's kick-ass magic trick that he uses to propose to Quinn. He pulls out a sword. Mind you he is doing this in the security office of an airport. He also initially got tased when he refused to disclose everything to the airport security guards.
    Security Guard: How did you get that past the x-ray machine?!

    Season Eight 
  • "The Pre-Nup" has Barney come up with an overly extensive, completely over the top and utter ridiculous list of rules for marriage. So the girls band together to form a even more outlandish set of rules for Barney, including an idea from Lily: a shock collar to keep him in line, or more specifically a cock ring.
    • It turns out all the couples are having problems, and this is just the spark that set it all off. When they all have it out in the GNB conference room, they finally come clean. Ted is uncomfortable that Victoria's nudist ex-fiancee Klaus is still staying with them (despite having invited him, as Victoria points out) because he feels they're never going to escape their past, Lily and Marshall are arguing over how gingerly they need to treat baby Marvin (Marshall feels that it seems like Lily doesn't trust him as a dad, Lily acknowledges she has trust issues but assures him she knows he'll always be there for the kid), and Robin gets off on watching herself on the news while she's having sex with Nick. Robin's boyfriend Nick is...less than upset by this.
    Nick: Oh. [beat as he considers it] Well that's cool. [beat] [both Nick and Robin run for the doors to go have makeup sex]
  • At the end of "Nannies," it turns out that Barney hired the kindly nanny Mrs. Buckminster to keep him from hooking up with every random chick he comes across. She points out to him that the girls he's going after are immature and winks at him. Cut to them in bed.
    Barney: That can never happen again.
    Mrs. Buckminster: Oh, pish-posh! You said that five times ago.
    • Earlier in the episode, after he's been beaten up by all the nannies he seduced, and Ted and Robin try to talk him down, he points out that he's fine.
    Robin: You're still getting over Quinn. You can't just dive right back into Single Barney Mode!
    Barney: But I can't stop myself! I'm out of control! No I'm not. I'm fine! Now if you'll excuse me, that blonde at the bar looks as loose as my rear molars. Stopmedon'tstopmeI'mfinehelpbeingsinglesgreat!
  • From "Who Wants to Be a Godparent?":
    • One of the questions is how to discipline Marvin: Barney would force him to use a cheap belt, Ted would be too permissive and Robin would apply her dad's methods...
      Robin: (imitating her father) "You know where you're headed, chief? The British Columbia Military School for Boys. Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have to (suddenly gains a Thousand-Yard Stare) shave all your hair off and burn your girly clothing in an old oil drum while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames."
      Marshall: (very disturbed) I think that Robin wins this round... because... we love her and she's in a safe space. Right, guys?
      (Barney, Ted and Lily immediately agree)
    • How Barney would handle Marvin's "First Heartbreak":
      Barney: I know this hurts, little buddy. But you will love again someday. Because time will heal a broken heart... But not that bitch's window. (Barney gets a brick and throws it into a house) RUN!!
    • Barney says how Ted would handle "Heartbreak": Professor Infosaurus is giving the talk... to Ted.
      Professor Infosaurus: Cheer up, squirt. There are plenty of other wonderful women out there.
      (Marvin is the one giving the talk to Ted)
      Ted: (crying) But I thought that she was the one.
      Young Marvin: I'll be at Uncle Barney's.
      • Speaking of Professor Infosaurus, we have Future!Ted trying him out on his kids. Not when they are younger; at the exact moment in time he is telling the story. There's also the nice touch of Professor Infosaurus "turning" to face Future!Ted when this fails.
      • The Professor Infosaurus fun doesn't stop there! When asked how he would handle "The Talk", we get a rapping Professor Infosaurus.
  • A Funny Background Event in "Splitsville" - as the group are sitting in Lily and Marshall's apartment having Chinese takeout, Barney repeatedly tries to eat from his box, but between stopping to talk and apparent difficulties with the chopsticks, he never quite manages to get the food up to his mouth.
    • Also from "Splitsville", Barney sitting cross-legged on Marshall's back as Marshall does push-ups.
    Barney: [in between counting out the push-ups] When did you become able to do this?!
  • The Shout-Out to The Wire. Made funnier that Lily's Former Teen Rebel stories were the most extreme, but her's were the only ones to turn out to be true and when she goes back to her old stomping ground she gets the same panic stricken reaction, enjoying that she's still a badass.
    "Lily comin!"
  • Brad's "Frog Lake" video which features him dee-jaying... on a lake.
    • Marshall's imagine spots.
    Marshal: Great. Now I've awoken the Frog King.
  • From Lobster Crawl...
    • After Ted sees Lily's baby crawl, Lily really wants to see it herself.
    Lily: If you ever wanna see these boobs again you will get on your knees and crawl, you son of a me.
    Marshall: Well, you know what they say. A watched tot never crawls. [beat] Or calls us in college after seeing this disturbing footage.
    • Shortly after that, when Lily leaves the apartment, she gives a video camera to Marshall:
    Lily: Keep recording. If he crawls and you miss it, I'm leaving you.
    (Cue Marshall turning around and he sees Marvin is several feet away from the spot he was when he last saw him)
    Marshall: (Beat) Yeah, that seems about right...
    • Robin is trying to come up with ways for Barney to take her back, including dressing as Angelina Jolie. When they fail she turns to Lily, who suggests getting freaky with another girl while trying to jump Robin's bones. When Robin misses the extremely strong hints to pick her, Lily is pissed. And Lily missed the baby crawling again.
    • In the first scene, Barney tries to perform CPR on his tie.
  • In "The Overcorrection" how everyone kept borrowing Ted's things and not returning them. Special mention goes to the red cowboy boots!
    • Also, Barney's "Two Can Play At That Game" play from The Playbook
    • The return of the Intervention Banner
    Robin: Please tell me this is about my drinking.
    (Lily hands her a drink)
    Robin: Dammit!
  • Barney being jinxed in The Final Page Part One.
  • In Band or DJ
    • Robin's dad is trying to get Barney to shoot a bunny.
    Barney: I don't want to do this!
    Robin Sr.: Do you think I wanted to kill that bear?
    Barney: Yeah, kinda.
    Robin Sr.: Well yeah, you're right.
    • Followed by Barney having given the bunny a name and a backstory.
    • Robin asks her dad about his having remarried.
    Robin: Dad is there something you want to tell me?
    Robin Sr.: Well in the early 80s I did some wet-work for the CIA...
    Robin: Yes, Daddy, I remember the bedtime stories. No, I'm talking about your Facebook page.
    • Marshall concludes that Marvin has potty-trained himself and wants to have Barney check the cameras he has in the apartment.
    Lily: [alarmed] Barney has cameras in the apartment?
    Marshall: Well, I mean...don't you think?
    • Later in the episode:
    Future!Ted: It wasn't confetti.
    • Ted runs into his lesbian ex Cindy.
    Cindy's girlfriend: Ted, do you believe in destiny?
    Ted: You really don't know me, do you.
  • In "Ring Up":
    • The Imagine Spot of Ted describing the events of his date with Carly. Including bluffing about Vietnam and imagining all the club patrons as children.
    • Ted pretends to have been in Vietnam because Carly thinks he's that old.
    Marshall: [gives Ted a mock salute] We thank you for your service to this nation, Private.
    Ted: [shamefully] Colonel. [everyone groans]
    • Ted warning Barney about how old Carly thinks he is.
    Ted: She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues!
    • And then, when he finally finds a connection with her - Star Wars - he's overjoyed. Then he finds out she only saw the new trilogy. You can practically hear his teeth grinding for a moment before he goes "Close enough!"
    • Barney's general horrified realization in "Ring Up" that Ted slept with his younger sister. It's definitely a karmic payback for Ted, especially since Barney has heavily alluded to hooking up with Ted's mother.
    Barney: There are four million women in the city of New York, Ted, and you hook up with my sister? Why would the universe do that to me?
    Barney: You banged my sister! My sweet, little, innocent-
    Ted: Pierced!
    Barney: Really? Where? Don't answer that!
    • Two words: "Retraction Five!"
    Ted: Barney, let me ask you something this morning, were you feeling a little sore this morning? Especially *whispers something in Barney's ear*
    Barney: *Gasps* FRIENDSHIP OVER!!
    • Barney makes his sister and Ted swear they'd never hook up again. They promise, but mess with Barney by winking.
  • P.S, I Love You had a few gems:
    • After it's revealed that Ted's new girlfriend started a fire just to meet him, Marshall tries to convince him she's a stalker.
    Ted: You're just jealous because Lily never burned anything for you.
    Marshall: Clearly, you've never tried her pot roast.
    (Barney, who has a snare drum set, does a Rimshot)
    • While watching the music video "P.S, I Love You", one of the lines is "If I get married, he'll always be second to you".
    Marshall: (To Barney) That's gotta feel good.
    • And the Canadian reactions to the "birth" of Grunge music.
    Alex Trebek: That day is now known in music history as the day grunge was born.
    Ted: In 1996. In Canada, that seems right Trebek.
    Marshall: Give him a break, he's not a music guy.
    Geddy Lee: That day is now known in music history as the day grunge was born.
    Marshall: Oh that's a bummer.
    • The scene between Robin and the Robot in the P.S. I Love You music video
    Robot: Move on!
    Robin: I'M TRYING!!!!
    • And who could forget Barney picking a fight with Alan Thicke because he thought "P.S. I Love You" was about him, only for Alan to keep him down with ease, while at the same time, eating a donut (even though Barney said the fight was to a draw).
    • The true story of how Lily and Marshall met. After seeing him Lily sabotages her stereo then goes knocking on dorms to find him. She quickly turns down a geek, reluctantly turns down a hunky guy, and really struggles to turn down a Butch Lesbian before finding him.
  • Despite what happens after, Ted coming home to find out that Marshall and Barney let his Yandere ex-girlfriend into his apartment has some several funny moments.
    Ted: And then she left?
    Barney: I think she left.
    sound of breaking glass
    Ted: [beat] ...Are you sure she left?
    Marshall: I am ninety percent sure that she left. [crashing noise] Eighty percent. [sound of more glass breaking]
  • Barney! You weren't THERE!!!
  • From "Weekend at Barney's"
    Barney: Besides, there's no way I'll ever top "Weekend at Barney's"
    Barney: *wakes up* Weekend at Barney's 2!
  • From "The Fortress," just about all of Barney's insane modifications to the apartment, but especially the "Escape From Bitch Mountain."
  • Everything about Robin and Marshall's fight over the drink name in 'The Time Travellers'. Like the writing on the bathroom walls and the dance battle.
    • Marshall doesn't know Carl's last name.
  • Lily gets an offer from the Captain to move to Italy for a year. She turns it down initially, but doesn't tell Marshall that she wasn't going to take the job, saying that he's not even that crazy about the idea. Cut to Marshall, in Little Italy, dressed in a white three-piece suit.
    • When she finds out that Marshall has been using Jedi Truth to cover up the fact that he's basically unemployed, and speaking literally in most cases:
    Lily: Wait, so when you said you were about to get reamed...
    Marshall: Oh, no, nothing like that, it's just Bernard and I sometimes throw reams of paper at each other. [a ream of paper flies by his head] Bernard! Not the time! Read the room!
  • When helping to sort what to take to Italy Ted finds a gorilla suit and blonde wig: Lily and Marshall deny they were used for kinky shit. Turns out Lily was the one in the suit. And they sneak it out, then sneak one out behind Ted's back.
  • Also drunk Robin, wanting to stick things in her butt.
  • Lily has some truly funny lines in "Something New".
    Lily (talking about Ted finding his future wife): She's out there, walking around New York City right now! Probably in a pair of really cute boots that she'll let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size!
    • Even more funny when in The Stinger we see the Mother actually wearing a pair of cute boots. Plus, she looks about Lily's size.
    Lily: You can't miss the day after the wedding! That's when we sit around, all hung over, drinking mimosas and talking smack about who looked fat! That's my Christmas!
    • Ted doubts that Marshall's mom is going to spoil the Italy trip. Lily shows him a picture of her posing with baby Marvin, and blocks spelling out "USA".
      Ted: That's inconclusive!
      Lily: Oh? [switches to the next picture, of Marshall's mom and Marvin posing with blocks saying "ROME SUX"]
      Ted: Getting conclusiver.

    Season Nine 
  • Before the season even starts, the trailer at the Comic-Con panel. Ted's future kids have had enough of this multi-year ramble and want him to get to the fucking point!
    • And lampshading how disturbing some of Ted's stories are when you think about his audience;
    Penny: All you've done is go on about an endless parade of sluts you banged! Do you realize how disturbing that is? You're our father!
  • The first episode has Barney and Robin realize they share a cousin and that they themselves may be related. Also the implication that Barney may have gotten a Ring Bear instead of a Ring Bearer.
    Barney: [calmly] Ranjit, would you be a dear and pull over?
    Ranjit: Pulling over.
    [Robin and Barney calmly open their doors and vomit out the sides of the car]
  • The Mother cements herself as a character by seeing Lily be emotional and offering to comfort her with her "sumbitch" cookies. Then there is this exchange:
    Lily: Sorry I tried to bite you.
    Mother: Sorry I swatted you on the nose with a rolled up magazine.
    Lily: It's the only way I'll learn.
  • Drunk!Lily and her blunt accidental reveal of James getting divorced while everyone else was trying to keep it secret.
    • Made even better (if somewhat confusing) by the reveal that she wasn't drunk at all, it'd been nonalcoholic drinks she'd been having the whole time.
      • Makes sense when you realize that she's hiding her pregnancy worries from everyone and probably just let it slip from stress and her usual inability to keep a secret.
    • Ted trying to make Lily stop drinking, just so Linus gives her another from behind a door... and another... and another... and another. "Thank you, Linus" indeed!
  • Marshall in Wisconsin. All of Marshall in Wisconsin.
    • Especially if you're actually from Wisconsin. Seeing Vikings fans squirm is always hilarious.
  • Marshpillow 2.0. A Marshall sized pillow dressed as him with a iPad so he could see the wedding reception. Which freezes. Then Lily shares a similar incident with the pillow.
    "The same thing happened last night. I was on all fours and was just taking the panties off..."
  • From "The Broken Code," the fact that copies of the Bro Code have replaced the Gideon Bible in certain hotels and are available on certain airlines (including Lufthansa!).
    • Barney saying that Ted's moment with Robin at the carousel wasn't a problem, because he knows Ted's his best bro. Ted immediately starts crying. Not because he's touched or anything, but because he'd just dropped a six-hundred dollar bottle of scotch.
      Barney: Oh come on, it's not that big a deal...
      Ted: No, it's not that. That was a six-hundred dollar bottle of scotch! [Barney immediately starts crying as well]
  • From "The Poker Game":
    • The back-and-forth that Marshall, Ted, and Lily had when they're trying to figure out whether or not Ted gave them a wedding present. Including Marshall dressing up as a wedding present, and Ted dressing up as a thank you note for Halloween - where Ted misses the Slutty Pumpkin because he's too busy passive-aggressively drinking coffee.
      Ted: I drank so much coffee that year my resting pulse sounded like the drum solo from Wipeout!
      • The flashback to Marshall with his head growing back from being half-shaved is priceless.
    • Barney's rant at his family is classic.
    Barney: James, let me spell this out for you: now that I've got Robin, we are not brothers anymore. Uh-huh. If you and Robin are both ever hanging from a cliff and I have one hand free, enjoy the fall. Uh, buh-bye.
    If you... (Loretta enters the room) Oh, Mom! Good! You should hear this, too. This mother-son thing— it's over. It's been a nice few decades, but I've got a wife now, so you mean nothing to me. Oh, and me coming over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, that's done! No more of that! And you know why? Because Robin said so! This came directly from her! See ya, losers!
  • Lily rants to The Mother about Ted's driving quirks and you can clearly see the Mother trying to hide the fact that she shared the same quirks, whilst the scene pauses immediately after each denial by the Mother, whilst Ted reminds the kids of something that happened in their childhoods because of their mother & is in direct contrast to what Lily had mentioned. The Mother's nickname for Ted to get him to drive faster?
    Future Ted: It was "Lady Tedwina Slowsby". And it worked.
  • Lily's Mondegreen quotation of Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride.
    Lily: My name is Rodrigo De Goya! You killed someone I love! dance!
    • "Yes, that's actually what your Aunt Lily thought the line was."
  • The "No Questions Asked" episode has a lot of Noodle Incident situations from the gang:
    • Ted's "No questions asked"
      Ted: Hey, listen. I need you to do something for me, no questions asked. OK? Meet me in the corner of 55th and 8th. Bring your drill.
      Marshall: I broke federal law drilling into that mail box.
      Ted: Hey! I was a man in need!
      Marshall: I know. You were a Priority Male.
    • Barney's "No questions asked Nº1":
      Barney: Marshall. I need you to rush to the Macy's and Harold Square and find me in the closet of the 3rd floor and bring me the following things: A pair of clean underwear, a pair of clean pants, a box of moist towels, hand sanitizer and a garbage bag. No questions asked.
      Marshall: You deuced your pants.
      Barney: (Beat) Nevermind.
      (Return to present)
      Barney: Ha! You didn't wind up helping me. Face!
      Marshall: Yeah, I should be the one embarrassed by that story. But that wasn't the one I meant:
    • Barney's second "No questions asked":
      Marshall: Star, clover, horseshoe... Barney, did you swallow real versions of the Lucky Charms items?
      Barney: (Beat) No questions asked. But, come on! Let's hit the bar, I'm buying. I just won 50 bucks from an irish guy in a dare.
    • Robin, inexplicably dressed in a bright purple unitard, leaps into Marshall's armsnote , tells him to run as she somersaults away while they're being chased by somersaulting women in similar brightly colored unitards.
      Marshall: I didn't ask who those weirdos were, why they were calling you, "Night Falcon", or what was in those darts they were blowing at us.
      Robin: Your vision came back, didn't it? (sighs) Wuss.
    • Lily's "No questions asked"
      Lily: Ted. I need you to come to my classroom right now with two dozen cupcakes and a box cutter. No questions asked.
      (Ted finds Lily bound and her kids causing a riot)
      Lily: Ted, put the cupcakes at the feet of their leader and cut me loose. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!
    • Marshall, in turn, explained all his situations to Lily: Got in jail because he tackled Russell Brand in Central Park because he thought he was Big Foot, got almost mauled by feeding a raccoon, made a robot with the TV and tackled Russell Brand again.
  • Marshall leaving Clint behind on the road during "The Lighthouse." In the stinger:
    Clint: [stops meditating, looks around] [beat] SON OF A BITCH!
    • Ted deciding to "settle" for Cassie, who turns out to be a total downer.
      Ted: What music do you like?
      Cassie: ....Nothing.
      Ted: [disgruntled Aside Glance]
  • From "Platonish", Hammond Druthers' attempts to alternately win back Ted to his company, and to intimidate him. What sells it is Ted's completely uninterested way of saying "No" the same way each time:
    Hammond: I want you on my team. And I won't take no for an answer.
    Ted: No.
    Hammond: [threateningly] I don't think you heard me, Ted.
    Ted: No.
    Hammond: [desperate] Come on, Ted! Please? They're gonna give me a parking spot if you say yes.
    Ted: Do I get a parking spot?
    Hammond: Well, we can go tandem.
    Ted: No.
    Hammond: Every other week then?
    Ted: No.
    Hammond: You know, Chicago's more of a walking town.
    Ted: No.
    Hammond: All right! You can have the parking spot. [Pause, hopefully] So, that's a yes?
    Ted: Mm, no.
    Hammond: [trying to be threatening again] Look, Ted. I can make your life very difficult.
    Ted: [mildly curious] How?
    Hammond: How?! [Pause, tries to think of ways] I will call you a lot. I will Tweet at you like crazy.
  • From "Bass Player Wanted"
    • The Mother's first interaction with Marshall: pretending to be a scarily accurate psychic. Marshall, being Marshall, isn't even fully convinced not to be freaked out even after she tells him she only knows so much about him because Lily told her.
    • Barney confronting Ted over his impending move to Chicago.
      Ted: Please, keep it quiet.
      Barney: You're moving to Chicago?? [grabs a passing woman] He's - he's moving to Chicago! When do you move? At least tell me it's not til next year, or something.
      Ted: It's not until...Monday.
      Barney: Monday. So you are just gonna disappear the day after my wedding. After ten years of being best friends.
    • After Robin convinces Lily to take out her anger on Marshpillow, Lily gets a little over-enthusiastic to the point where Robin (gun-toting hockey-watching attracted-to-beat-up-people Robin) is visibly disturbed.
    • After Marshall gives The Mother some advice on dealing with her slimeball bandmate, she tries his recommended insult out on Linus, the bartender.
    The Mother: Skunk...junk? Is that even a little bit intimidating?
    Linus: Nope. And the knitting's not helping.
    The Mother: Sorry, I just met a baby and he needs a hat.
    • The Mother's slimeball bandmate Darren apparently recycles the plots of Disney movies as his own backstory.
    Linus: Plus, it is so inspiring about how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda.
    The Mother: Gah, that's Finding Nemo! [Beat] That's new.
    • The Mother taking advice from Lily:
    Lily: You should steal this douche-monkey's van, and run my husband over with it!
  • In Slapsgiving 3, Marshall is about to slap Barney in slow motion while "O Fortuna" is played. And after the opening credits, it still continues until Future!Ted cuts in and realizes that he has to continue the story.
    • Marshall tells the story of the three ancient masters he learned the technique of The Slap of a Million Exploding Suns from. It's Robin, Lily, and Ted. Each one supposedly retired years ago.
    Marshall: What do you mean, you're like thirty-two.
    White Flower: I am one hundred and one years old.
    Marshall: What is in these noodles?
    • He deems Cleveland "the city equivalent of being slapped in the face."
    • When he finds the third identical run-down Chinese joint that the slap-tutors are in, he's starting to notice.
    Marshall: Man, is this a chain or something?
    • And later, Marshall is finally giving the slap to Barney in slow motion again with "Adagio for Strings" played in the background.
    Marshall: My training is complete. I'm ready.
    Barney: (resigned to his fate) I'm ready too.
    Robin: (to Barney) I love you.
    Barney: Enough to take this slap for me?
    Robin: No.
  • And in the next episode, it cuts back to the group at the Inn's bar, drinking. Barney has a bright red handprint on his face.
    Barney: You can't still see where Marshall slapped me, can you?
    Ted: Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal.
    Robin: Your face looks like a photo negative of the Hamburger Helper box.
    Ted: A palm reader could tell Marshall's future by studying your face.
    Robin: The phrase "talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening" doesn't work for you because the hand is on yo face!
    Barney: [beat] A simple yes would have sufficed.
  • From "How Your Mother Met Me":
    • The Mother's friend trying to get her to come out with her.
    The Mother's Roommate: It's St. Patrick's Day! The holiday of my people!
    The Mother: ...You're not Irish.
    The Mother's Roommate: Binge drinkers!
    "Oh well, 2 out of 3."
    • "Can I tell you an embarrassing story?" "Is it this one taking place right now?"
    • "I might have some stuff to figure out."
    • This exchange:
    Lewis: Can I buy you a drink?
    The Mother: Oh, no. I'm sixteen.
    Lewis: Oh... well, have a good night.
    The Mother: Wait, you believed that? I like you.
  • From "Sunrise":
    • Barney recruits two young guys to teach them how to live. He finds a strip club out of nowhere.
    Justin: Aren't you worried this guy might kill us?
    Kyle: We just put a down payment on adult-sized bunk beds. Would being killed really be so bad?
    • Later on, he suits them up, and then assures one of them that talking to women really is simple.
    Barney: What's your name?
    Justin: Justin.
    [cut to them back at a party]
    Justin: [shaking hands with the girl] So simple, so...elegant.
    Kyle: That's it? You just walk up to someone you don't know and introduce them to your buddy? I don't know, that sounds kind of...
    Hot Chick: Hi, Kyle!
    Kyle: [looks at Barney incredulously] Are you Jesus?
    • Ted and Robin going over his top five past relationships. #2 of which is him and Marshall pretending to be gay so that they could help sell Barney's apartment. #1 is Victoria. Apparently, there's a running e-mail chain about it.
    Ted: I do miss her sticky buns.
    Robin: A euphemism?
    Ted: Nope!
    • Ted turns out to have called her - now living in Germany - to find Robin's locket. She calls him out on wanting to blow up the wedding.
    Victoria: You would never run off with a girl on the day of her wedding? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-
    Ted: Okay that's a fair point.
    Victoria: I'm not done. -iiiiiight.
    • She promises to overnight it the locket, and then:
    Ted: So this bakery...what kind of-
    Victoria: You want me to send you some chocolate truffle streuselkuchen?
    Ted: Yes please you're the best!
  • From "Rally":
    • Ted recalls how Barney can never take a bad photo, thinking it could work for the family wedding pictures. Unfortunately, it doesn't work after a test snapshot.
    Ted: Guys, Barney may be dead.
    • After discovering his mother lied to him about being "allergic to bacon":
      Ted: I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff. Bacon, donuts... Halloween candy... Not saying "Thank You" Oh my god! The bitch lied to me!!
      • Ted goes on a rampage and cleans and entire tray of bacon, eating all the bacon he has been missing in a lifetime, to the point he hisses at Marshall when he tries to tell him to "Take it easy".
      Ted: I have seen the face of God!
      Ted: I finally found The One. Her name is "Bacon"!!
    • Everytime the gang broke "The Vow":
      • Marshall did it in 2020, when running for New York Supreme Court Judge against Brad. He also swore it would never happen as long as he still had a head full of hair. Marshall gets so drunk of stress just minutes before his press conference:
      Marshall: As your new commissioner...
      Lily: State supreme court judge.
      Marshall: ... of Gotham City.
      Lily: State of New York.
      Marshall I VOW to make Batman to work harder.
      (Lily and the press stare confused)
      Marshall: I say shine that Bat-signal even for small stuff, like uh... shoveling snow, or like uh... a police horse dumps out in the park.
      • Robin's vow was broken in 2017, while she and Barney were on vacations in Argentina. They ended up in a room with an unknown baby.
      • Ted's vow was never broken. Instead The Mother was the one with the massive hangover in 2022.
    • Robin decides to try some of her father's tricks he used on her and Katie to wake them up.
      Robin: You know, when my sister and I had trouble getting up for school, my dad had a few cute little tricks...
      (Those "cute tricks" included soaking Barney in iced water, opening his eyes in front of a roaring bear -on video- and...)
      Robin: (about to cut Barney's tie with a pair of scissors) I'LL DO IT!! I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL DO IT!!!
      Lily: (horrified) You dad used to do this to you?
      Robin: Well, was for the Cabbage Patch Doll and an ax, the same idea. Trust me, I was never late for kindergarten again.
      (Lily pulls Robin to give her a pity hug)
      Robin: (gets Lily off her annoyed) What. Come on.
    • Lily's suggestions about her and Robin make out to wake Barney up.
      Lily: Ok, there's one thing we haven't tried yet. Making out with each other.
      Robin: You think that will wake him up?
      • Then Robin agrees to try it. Lily's reaction of joy is priceless.
        Lily: (Squeeing with a bright blush) Are you sure?? Oh my god! Okay. You know what?... I mean... Probably it won't even work and... I'm stupid, I'm stupid...
      • Even further? It actually works.
  • From "Vesuvius":
    • Ted sees Barney going into a random hotel room and bribes the concierge to tell him who is in that room. One "Susan Tup". He goes to confront him at the room, and Barney drags him into the room, which turns out to be full of suits.
    Ted: This room belongs to Susan Tup!
    Barney: Who?
    Ted: Susan Tup!
    Barney: [fighting a smile] Who?
    Ted: [slower] Sue...Tup. Suit up.
    Barney: I'm trying to!
    • Lily tries to get sentimental with Robin, and then complains to Marshall.
    Marshall: Everyone deals with getting married differently. I got what I thought was the worst haircut ever. I fixed it with the actual worst haircut ever.
    Robin: It's a wedding. Who cares what people wear?
    [Gilligan Cut to Ted and Barney trying to pick a suit for him]
    Ted: [brandishing a suit at Barney] SAY YES TO THE SUIT!
    Barney: I can't!
  • From "Daisy":
  • From "Gary Blauman"
    • When Lily tells her story about how Blauman saved her from getting a Sugar Ray Tattoo in her entire back, Lily finishes with...
      Lily:Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime of looking at Sugar Ray while we do it on your birthday.
    • When Ted and The Mother are on their first date it keeps going increasingly badly until she runs and hides behind a van when she sees her ex-boyfried Louis.
      Ted: We're crouching behind a van, hiding from your ex boyfriend. Forgive me, I'm a little bit of a detective. Was it a bad breakup?
      The Mother: Pretty bad.
      Ted: Bad like there was a big fight?
      The Mother: Bad like there was a big ring.
      Ted: Bad like this happened in the past year?
      The Mother: Bad like it happened Saturday.
      • As a result, The Mother has a minor freak-out and decides she shouldn't be dating anyone. Ted walks her home, continuing the story he was telling, and upon reaching her home, calmly says goodnight and walks away.
        Future Ted: Eight years earlier, I probably would have given some embarrassing speech, confessed my love, and scared her off. But I didn't, because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out.
        The Mother: [calls after him] Ted?
        Ted: [quietly] Oh thank god.
  • From "End of the Aisle":
    • The one time Ted summarizes a story, it's the ridiculous lengths he went to to retrieve Robin's locket, accompanied by a montage of what he went through.
    Ted: Psh. How does anyone find anything? [cut to Ted looking in his pencil box] You hear it might be in your racecar pencil box. It's not there. [Cut to Ted talking to Stella] So you swing by your ex-fiancee's storage locker on the opposite coast. [Cut to Ted having turned her storage locker upside down] It's not there. [Cut to Victoria holding the locket] You learn Victoria has it in Germany but Jeanette intercepts it, [cut to Jeanette holding the locket] throws it into Central Park Lake. It's a nice day for a swim, so what the heck? [Ted dives over the bridge] You dive in, scoop it up, make it home in time for Jeopardy! [Cut back to Ted and Robin] Ease to the pease! Happy wedding!
  • From "Last Forever"
    • The flashback to when Robin became a part of the gang:
      Lily: I like this girl and we need some estrogen up in this bitch. All we ever talk about is scotch and sports.
      (cut to Robin at the bar)
      Robin: Five Glen McKennas 21 years neat and (points to the TV) switch it to the hockey game cause my Canucks are gonna bury the Bruins yo!
      • Also another moment from the flashback between Robin and Barney:
        Barney: Maybe stealing a bro’s wingman is okay back in… I’m sorry, what’s the name of this third world banana republic you claim to be from?
        Robin: Canada.
        Barney: (Beat) I have literally never heard of that place.
    • Ted and Barney's "High Infinity"
      Ted: Totally worth it.
      Barney: Worth it.
    • Ted and the old lady at the train station.
      • "Just be cool lady, damn!"
    • Playbook II Electric Bang-a-Loo
    • When Tracy reveals to Ted that they can't get married by implying she's pregnant by saying that when they do get married, "she'll want to be able to fit in her dress". Cue a triumphant emotional moment for her and Ted.
      Robin: What's going on?
      Barney: (in a "good for you" voice) She's getting a boob job.
    • Ted's callback to the third episode of the series and Barney's reaction...
      Ted: We licked the Liberty Bell.
      Barney: We did?
    • The Mother, of all people, snarking Barney when he talks about trying to get a perfect month and how he may have gotten a girl pregnant.
    Number 31? Ooh, that's pretty. Is it French?
    • "I kept this story short and to the point."
    • After we see more of Ted debating going to talk to Tracy at the train station, we cut to the next night where Marshall (with Lily) is at McLarens commenting on how things feel different with Ted's disappearance... only to see him at their booth.
      • And after they ask why he isn't in Chicago:
        Ted: (genuinely confused) Huh? (suddenly realizing) OH! ... Yeah, I'm not doing that.
      • Then, when they find out he's staying because of a girl, they get pissed... until they find out who it is, at which point they immediately switch from angry to interested and happy.


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