Funny / House of Fools

Series 1

Episode 1 - The Conan Affair

• The episode opens with Vic messing around with a gauntlet and getting it stuck in Bob's graduation portrait.
  Bob: What are you doing?
  Vic: I was just admiring this graduation picture of yours, it's so good, it's so fabulous that I think I might point at it all day.
• Bob criticising Vic's bad house habits.
  Bob: There's the continued confusion between toilet rolls and curtains...
• Beef's introduction:
  Beef: My name is Beef, I'm a hard lovin' beast,
  And I live next door to these two.
  I travel this land, removing my pants,
  While making love to African la-dies.
• "I've been down the dog pound, I thought you could get a dog for a pound."
• Vic sticking his face through the painting of an African pygmy tribesman.

Episode 2 - The Pork Pie Affair

• Vic cooking Bob's entire breakfast in a single saucepan. Yes, that's egg, bacon, black pudding, tea, even his toast!
  • This:
    Vic: Your egg, Simon.
    Bob: Yeah, I'm Bob.
    Vic: No, the egg's called Simon. I've kind of grown to love it over the past three minutes, so be gentle with it.
  • And prior to that:
    Vic: So how long do I cook this egg for?
    Bob: Six foot seven!
    Vic: I said how long do I cook the egg for?
    Bob: Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you asked me how tall Gandhi wanted to be when he grew up!

Episode 3 - The Probation Affair

• Vic's horse-themed wallpaper. "Some of 'em galloping, some of 'em... not so galloping."
  • Bob's initial reaction:
    Bob: What do I think? It's awful! It's like seeing your mum in a codpiece!
  • The fate of Billy Bongo the racehorse.
    Bob: Whatever happened to Billy?
    Vic: He got eaten by the IRA.
  • "Well I tell you what, Vic. I'm gonna live with it, up till half an hour or so, then you can rip it down and we'll have it burned in the brazier at a gypsy encampment."
• Vic's attempt to freshen Bosh's breath with fly spray, which causes a huge pile of foam to come out of his mouth. Plus a chicken.
  Bosh: Well how about that?
• Bosh's revelation that he possesses "exotic photos" of Bob and horse racing pundit John McCririck, which he threatens to send to the national press if Bob doesn't help him. What sells it is the startled look on Bob's face.
  • A few minutes later, when Bob rips up the photos:
    Bosh: But that won't destroy the negatives, mate.
    Bob: [groans] I should have killed you when I had the chance!
• Bosh very politely calling his probation officer a "twat".
• Bob asking Bosh to think of a job he could do.
  Bosh: I know! I wanna be like that twat off the telly!
  Bob: What, Gordon Ramsay?
  Bosh: Yeah!
• "What plan? What whole plan?"
• The ingredients that Beef brings round.
  Vic: What is it?
  Beef: Does it matter? I mean does it really matter?
  • And what does the sauce turn out to be (after all three of them have tried it)?
    Beef: It says here, "Mugabe's personal nerve agent. Sugar free, may contain nuts. Please follow us on Twitter and Facebook."
  • The revelation regarding said "sauce" is immediately followed by this (possibly NSFW) advert for it. Even for this programme, it reaches a whole new level of "WTF?". It Makes Sense in Context though. Sort of.

Episode 4 - The Wig Affair

• Vic uses Photoshop to discover what Richard Branson would look like without a beard. By crossing it out.
• "Oh what a fool I've been with the purchase of this frying pan! I tell you this, if ever you need a frying pan, go to a regular store, and not Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shithouse."
  • And then afterwards:
    Vic: I like your boots, Beef.
    Beef: Yes, they're Canadian. Made from a wolf's peeniiss.
    Vic: Did you get them in Canada?
    Beef: No, I got them in Hartlepool.
• The numerous flashbacks to their forefathers in the '70s and '50s encountering the "rat beaver thing".
• Vic getting a vase stuck on his head while pumped up on Bosh's energy juice and becoming "Professor Lightbulb", which leads to him being unmasked in typical Scooby-Doo fashion.
  Bob: Right. Let's find out who you really are, Professor Lightbulb, or should I say... [removes vase] Vic?
  Beef: So Vic was Professor Lightbulb the whole time!
  Vic: Yes! And I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that caretaker!
• This gem from Erik:
  Erik: Father, you know your problem?
  Bob: What?
  Erik: You're the type of scum who goes to buy a Curly Wurly, and comes back with a Straight Wurly.

Series 2