The genius billionaire playboy philanthropist, CEO of Stark Industries, and superhero with a Powered Armor. His first appearance at the Super Café is the moment viewers realized that the café isn't just for Superman and Batman.
- Adapted Out: Iron Man 2 did not receive a HISHE for unknown reasons.
- Berserk Button: He doesn't take his forced retirement (due to having blown up all of his suits) after Iron Man 3 very well.
- Catchphrase: "Tank missile!"
- Forgiveness: Unlike his Captain America Civil War self, he gives up his Revenge Before Reason after Bucky poignantly apologizes for the murder of Tony's parents.
- Forgiven, but Not Forgotten: The Infinity War HISHE implies that Captain America Civil War may have still happened the way it did, but when Bucky casually brings up how he (unwillingly) killed Tony's parents, his response with how he's still not okay with that is said in a cheerful tone, and then jokingly calls him a "one-armed Jesus" (because Rocket took Bucky's metal arm while he wasn't looking).
- It's All About Me: Admits to Batman and Superman that he likes the attention after revealing his identity to the world at the end of the first Iron Man.
- Genre Savvy: He answers Superman that killing off Obadiah Stane was the better option, because its been proven time and time again that putting the villain in jail would only have the bad guy vowing revenge to one day break out and go on another rampage.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Nick Fury calls him out on the mess Ultron causes with all electronic systems.
- In How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended, as he advocates the Sokovia Accords, he gets reminded that he created Ultron. Cap even renames the document "The Tony Accords".
- OOC Is Serious Business: His tank missile! catchphrase is usually said with a goofy falsetto. Except for when he's about kill Bucky where he's dead serious
- The Roast: Calls out Batman in The Dark Knight Rises HISHE for not being able to explain how he managed to return to Gotham after escaping from a prison on the other side of the planet.
- Same Story, Different Names: Points out to Aldrich Killian how his story is similar to Syndrome from The Incredibles.
- Story-Breaker Power: His "tank missile". Whereas in the films proper he used it only once to get rid of a random tank and didn't even consider using it on any of the villains, these shorts just have him use it to blow up pretty much all of his enemies with zero effort.
- Take a Third Option: Doesn't matter who wins between Superman and Batman. Iron Man claims that he will beat them both.
The WWII hero that was always just kinda there until winning over the fans with The Winter Soldier.
- Actually Pretty Funny: "Captain America burn" as pointed out by Superman after Cap pokes fun at the Justice League being unable to call for their services.
- Berserk Button: When the whole crew of Captain America Civil War plus Superman and Batman start poking fun at him once more with yet another variation on his 1960s theme song at the Café, he is definitely pissed off.Cap: Please stop FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
- In Avengers: Endgame, because he passed on the mantle to Falcon, he's free to do this himself as payback for all the other times.
- Bicep Kiss: He kisses his exposed bicep during the Steve-stops-a-helicopter scene. Bucky's brain goes critical at the sight.
- Butt-Monkey: As mentioned in Theme Tune below, Batman and Superman enjoy picking on Cap at the café.
- Catchphrase: "Language!"
- Curse Cut Short: Often tends to be the one invoking this with his "Language!" schtick. Ironically enough, he himself falls victim to this in "How Captain America Should Have Returned The Stones":
- Damn You, Muscle Memory!: In-Universe in the Deadpool 2 HISHE.. He cuts off the Juggernaut from swearing, but he's using one of his Infinity War shields, so it doesn't return to him like his old shield and he asks for someone to get the shield for him.
- Foreshadowing: In How Age of Ultron Should Have Ended.
- Mr. Fanservice: Lampshaded: he stops to admire his own physique during the already-fanservicey helicopter scene.
- Mythology Gag: The very controversial comic book issue Captain America: Steve Rogers #1 by Nick Spencer is jokingly addressed to Steve by Iron man in How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended.Iron Man: What are you? HYDRA or something?
Cap: No! Why... why would you think that?!
- The Roast: He once made fun of Superman and Batman over the thought that compared to the Marvel heroes gathering to do the Avengers, they were still waiting on the call for the Justice League.
- Running Gag:
- Sarcasm Mode: Cap's reaction to hearing his theme song; "Ha ha, guys. You're hilarious."
- Shout-Out: During The First Avenger, there's a brief moment at the beginning where Steve Rogers is dressed up in a Fantastic Four costume, which is a reference to the fact that Chris Evans played two Marvel characters.
- Theme Tune: Batman and Superman tend to pick on Cap in the form of his 1960s theme song; that despite his "mighty shield" supposedly being able to go through anything, it failed to go through some certain objects, such as the ice from First Avenger, and the Winter Soldier's metal arm in the sequel.
- Throwing Your Shield Always Works: His primary way of attacking from afar. At least with his old shield.
- Subverted in How Deadpool 2 Should Have Ended, where he attempts this with one of his gauntlet shields, but it does not return to him.
- You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!: After Vision destroys the Quinjet in How Civil War Should Have Ended.
- Would Hit a Girl: Has no problem throwing his shield straight into Aunt May's face to cut off her Precision F-Strike while shouting his "Language!" Catchphrase.
The nuclear physicist who turns into a large green monster when angry. Only this one is a lot friendlier, most of the time.
- Adaptation Personality Change: The Hulk seen here is a big cry baby, and doesn't get angry as much as his comic counterpart. Banner is also never seen, except for in How Age of Ultron Should Have Ended Part 1 and How Avengers Infinity War Should Have Ended (although he technically has become the dominant personality from the Endgame HISHE onward as Professor Hulk).
- Adapted Out: The Incredible Hulk did not receive a HISHE, which was later mentioned in the Thor HISHE.
- Brick Joke: In The Avengers HISHE, Superman wonders if Hulk stole the motorcycle Hulk's seen with in The Avengers, which he is then seen riding in the Winter Soldier HISHE.
- Butt-Monkey: Being left out seems to be a recurring issue for him. His movie, The Incredible Hulk gets glossed over from having a HISHE, which causes Hulk to cry outside the cafe for being left out when Thor gets to go in for his movie's HISHE. Then, for the Winter Soldier HISHE, he is told to sit out as Cap's team state that they can solve the problem themselves, which causes Hulk to cry once more.
- Catchphrase: "Hulk sad."
- Spit Take: Has a moment in the HISHE for The Avengers when Hulk's told that someone died when he wasn't around.
The other Asgardian guy besides Loki.
- Accidental Murder: In the Infinity War HISHE, he snaps his fingers with the Infinity Gauntlet while jamming to a beat and accidentally murders all the villains at the Villain Pub.
- Big "WHAT?!":
- Gets one when Heimdall informs him that he can see Jane bathing on Earth.
- He does a "Say WHAAAAAT?!" after he is told that Tony destroyed all his suits in Iron Man 3.
- The Cameo: Thor pops up at the end of the Attack of the Clones HISHE, agreeing that he would have made the same choice as Anakin to go after Padmé (in reference to Padmé and Jane Foster being played by the same actress).
- Combat Pragmatist: Instead of throwing Stormbreaker into Thanos' chest, he throws it at his left arm, cutting it off and separating him from the Infinity Gauntlet.
- Out of Focus: Thor's time in the HISHE for his sequel movie is actually quite small since The Dark World is used to introduce the Villain Pub.
- The Roast: Roasts Batman and Superman for at least still having a live father despite Odin's questionable parenting.
- Skewed Priorities: Ultron takes control of everything and shuts all systems down. What does Thor panic about at first? Not being able to watch Game of Thrones anymore.
- Stood Up: Superman and Batman leave Thor hanging when the Asgardian stops by the cafe for The Dark World HISHE.
One of Marvel's most well-known properties, everyone's Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man(s). He was kept out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe for years, but that's history now. As Spidey is the most rebooted superhero in recent movie history and since the show's drawing style evolved, he's had quite a few different HISHE iterations over the years (and they can all show up in the picture at the same time).
- Art Evolution: And how. His suit is far more detailed in the Spider-Man: Far From Home and Spider-Man 2 HISHEs. In the latter HISHE, he facial features are far more defined.
- Breaking the Fourth Wall/Fourth-Wall Observer: Points out there have been three movies about him up to this point to Venom, and points out Venom's plans won't work because he's the hero and the villain will end up killing himself.
- The Bus Came Back:
- Butt-Monkey: The butt of Superman's and Batman's jokes. They never let him join them inside the café, and they are baffled at Peter's "emo / bad boy" antics from Spider-Man 3.
- Genre Savvy: Tells Venom how predictable and doomed to fail his Evil Plan is since every villain he met has kidnapped Mary Jane to mess with him before, and it's failed the exact same way both times:Spidey: "I'm just saying, there's only way this is going to go down. It happens every time! We'll fight for a bit, you'll tear my mask. But in the end, I'm just going to leap out of the way, and you're gonna do something that makes you kill yourself.
- Quit Your Whining: He's quite whiny, and Mary Jane bluntly tells him to stop.
- Running Gag: "Emo / bad boy" Peter strutting by the Super Café's front window.
- The Team Wannabe: He was seen asking to join Superman and Batman at the Super Café. They finally let a Spider-Man in... when the character was rebooted with Andrew Garfield.
- Took a Level in Cheerfulness: In the Spider-Man: Far From Home HISHE, he's not the whining, barely contained crybaby he's been depicted as for years. He's actually pretty happy to meet his MCU counterpart.
The Spider-Man of Marc Webb's The Amazing Spider-Man films, as played by Andrew Garfield.
- Big "WHAT?!": Does one when he finds out Harry Osborn recognized his non-disguised voice.
- The Bus Came Back:
- He came back along Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man in the Spider-Man: Homecoming HISHE Super Café bit, reminding the new Peter Parker that he did replace someone despite not wanting to.
- He came back again in the "How The Venom Trailer Should Have Ended", to announce that he's available after the death of Holland Spider-Man in Avengers: Infinity War.
- Butt-Monkey: Still a bit of a butt to Batman's and Superman's jokes due to his first movie's Plot Holes, but nowhere near what Tobey Maguire's Spidey got from them.
- Foreshadowing: Amazingly, HISHE foreshadowed his arrival in the MCU in How the Amazing Spider-Man 2 Should Have Ended, in which a throwaway joke is made that Marvel and Sony finally came to an agreement to make him appear in the MCU, a few months before that actually happened in real life.
- Heroic BSoD: He goes completely nuts when Gwen Stacy dies, points a gun on Batman's head and threatens to kill him if Superman doesn't turn back time and bring her back.
- I Have Your Wife: He takes Batman hostage and points a gun at his head unless Superman turns back time and prevents Gwen's death. Superman unexpectedly caves in.
- I Let Gwen Stacy Die: He goes ballistic when it happens and demands that Superman bring her back while holding Batman hostage.
- Jumping Off the Slippery Slope: Goes from being a superhero who saves innocents to an unhinged man taking a hostage and blackmailing another superhero to bring his loved one Back from the Dead.
- Shooting Superman: At one point in the middle of his crazed rant, he points a gun at Superman. Superman sneers at him, "Dude really?". Unfortunately, he wises up to this and points the gun back Batman.
- Superior Successor: Batman and Superman feel that he is a lot less whiny than Tobey Maguire's Spidey.
- Throw the Dog a Bone: Superman and Batman accepted him inside the Café, for the Superior Successor reason above.
- True Love Is Exceptional: How he feels about Gwen, hence why he goes nuts when she dies.
The Spider-Man of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), as played by Tom Holland.
- Characterization Marches On: At first, in his Early Bird Cameos in MCU-related HISHEs, he looked like, sounded like, and acted like Andrew Garfield's Spider-Man. He eventually gets a new design, personality and voice in How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended more akin to Tom Holland's iteration.
- Combat Pragmatist: In How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended, he just webs Team Cap up as they charge on the airport tarmac, shortening the battle.
- Complexity Addiction: Just as he's about to climb on the Washington Monument to save his comrades from the elevator in How Spider-Man Homecoming Should Have Ended, Michelle points out he can simply catch them at the bottom of the monument, sparing him the need to climb and gaining tremendous time. Cue Spidey building a safety net with his webs.
- Early-Bird Cameo:
- Spidey's first appearance as a bona fide MCU character following the Marvel Studios-Sony deal happens in Super Café: And The Reboot Goes To.Spider-Man: I'm gonna be in the Universe! Did you hear?
Superman: Everybody is in the universe you goof!
Spider-Man: Not THIS universe! WOOHOO! Marvel, yeah! Reboot!
- He then appeared in How Age of Ultron Should Have Ended. He's seen trying to stop the train Ultron let loose in Seoul the same way he stopped the train in Spider-Man 2.Spider-Man: I got it! Just your friendly neighborhood Marvel Universe Spider-Man!
- Spidey's first appearance as a bona fide MCU character following the Marvel Studios-Sony deal happens in Super Café: And The Reboot Goes To.
- Kid Hero:
Cap: Is he even old enough to vote?
- Just like Captain America: Civil War pointed out his youth, the fact that he's the youngest movie Spider-Man to date doesn't go unnoticed.
- Superman is outright disturbed that Tony offered him a full-time spot on the Avengers without running it by his guardian, arguing that it's tantamount to kidnapping.
- Mythology Gag: He briefly assumes his Andrew Garfield counterpart's voice in How Spider-Man: Homecoming Should Have Ended in the Washington Monument scene.
- Parental Issues: In the Café scene of How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended, Spidey expresses some concerns about Tony Stark potentially dating his aunt May.Spider-Man: Are you gonna date my aunt? Because... I don't know if I'm ready for you to be my... my dad-uncle...
- Tempting Fate: Declares that he, unlike his two previous iterations, won't be replaced any time soon. Cue Miles Morales promptly sticking his head in the door.
- Throw the Dog a Bone: After being the resident Butt-Monkey of the Super Café, Spidey finally joined the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and thus entered the Café.
The first Spider-Man of Miles Morales' universe, as voiced by Chris Pine. He claims to be the all of the above Spider-Men.
- Composite Character: In keeping with his film's Adaptation Distillation, Peter claims that he is the same Peter Parker as all the other ones listed above, claiming that he's dodged grenades, saved his girlfriend, became an Avenger, and threatened to shoot Batman in the face. He's also forced to contend with the (now grown up) kid who wants him to stop narrating again.
- Old Shame: He doesn't feel too proud of the time he threatened to kill Batman.
The badass (now former) director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the man behind the creation of the Avengers.
- Adaptation Personality Change: He seems to channel Samuel L. Jackson's fiery persona from his earlier movies like Pulp Fiction and Snakes on a Plane compared to the relatively stoic Nick Fury of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It helps that the voice actor pulls off one hell of a Jackson impression.
- Complexity Addiction: In How Captain America The Winter Soldier Should Have Ended, he insist on NOT calling the other Avengers (aside from Cap and Black Widow) to deal with the Hydra-S.H.I.E.L.D. crisis.
- Crossover: He makes an appearance in Kong: Skull Island thanks to Samuel L. Jackson's role in the film (along with Loki, Rhomann Dey, and Captain Marvel).
Peter Quill a.k.a. Star-Lord, Gamora, Drax the Destroyer, Rocket Raccoon and Groot.
- Borrowed Catchphrase: Groot's baby form provokes Batman into a lengthy Catchphrase duel, due to his own Pokémon Speak trademark phrase.Baby Groot: I am Groot!
Batman: I'm Batman!
Baby Groot: I AM GROOT!
Batman: I'M BATMAN!
Superman: This could go on for a while...
- Carries on to How Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Should Have Ended, but with Yondu joining in with "I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!"
- Subverted in How Avengers: Infinity War Should Have Ended. Since Groot is a teenager, he doesn't care about anything anymore.
- And then he does it again in the Avengers: Endgame HISHE... against Thanos's "I am inevitable," with Batman ending with "I'm Batman" before snapping Thanos away.
- Bullying the Dragon: Rocket's mocking of Taserface's alias backfires on him when it turns out it's not metaphorical.
- Catchphrase: Obviously Groot. Mantis says "Sleeeeep" before knocking out someone.
- Change the Uncomfortable Subject: When Superman and Batman try to ask him about his seemingly Alien father, Peter turns up the volume of his iPod and keeps talking about movies, despite Gamora trying to repeat the question. Batman then realizes that he is conveniently changing the topic.
- HeelFace Turn: Aside from Mantis, both Nebula and Yondu are in the Café after being antagonists in the previous film.
- Pragmatic Hero: In one of the endings, Rocket just shot Carina with a stunner as she was about to touch the Power Stone.Rocket: Sorry, but that girl looked like she was about to get in-between me and becoming stupid rich!
- Fish out of Temporal Water: Peter is surprised how portable music players (and songs subjects) have changed since he has been taken away from Earth. He gets very excited when he learns about the existence of Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies... Then ends up disappointed after watching them.Peter: Well... now I know. And knowing is half the battle!
- Grumpy Bear: Rocket, in the Super-Cafe scene.
- Literal-Minded: Drax takes Peter's "chance to give a crap" speech... in a gross way. He also doesn't get why Batman calls himself "Batman", as for him he is only a man in a bat costume and bats are just non-scary "tiny mammals".
- Parental Issues: In Vol.2, Peter mentions that all of the team seems to have problems with their fathers (he killed his evil dad, Mantis and Rocket mention they never met theirs, Drax proudly proclaims his father's sexual prowess and both Gamora and Nebula are sure that Thanos will kill everyone on the galaxy)
Ultron's creation who ended up being used against him, and a new member of the Avengers whose set of powers sounds quite familiar to someone at the Café.
- Alternate Company Equivalent / Expy: According to Superman.Superman: You stopped an evil robot by creating a superhero that's pure and good... and shoots lasers... and is red, yellow and blue... and flies. [cough] Sounds familiar.
Iron Man: Any of you jokers want to join? We've even got our own Batman and Superman!
- By the time of How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended, he even takes the exact same relaxed pose as Supes when sitting at the Team Iron Man table in the Café.
- Genre Savvy: In How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended, he directly aims his forehead beam at the Quinjet to stop Cap and Bucky instead of destroying the nearby control tower.
- Hey, That's My Line!: Borrows a part of a famous phrase to Batman.Vision: Do you want to ask me if I bleed?
- Kill Him Already!: As Vision, Thor and Iron Man concentrate their beams on Ultron, they stop all of a sudden. Vision asks them why they stop, both think he did first. Vision denies, and they all resume destroying Ultron.
- Spared by the Adaptation: In the Infinity War HISHE, while Vision is still killed by Thanos, he's recreated by Shuri.
- Story-Breaker Power: Which is probably why he wasn't there when Crossbones was dealt with in Captain America Civil War (the actual movie). In HISHE, he shows up and shortens the chase, preventing the subsequent suicide-bombing by immobilizing Crossbones.
A new member of the Avengers who can't be called a "mutant".
- Bullying a Dragon: Batman mocks her accent at the Café after his failed "secret identity" seduction attempt. She responds by using her mind/fear-manipulating power on him, which makes him see bats everywhere, scaring him shitless.
- Catchphrase Interruptus:Batman: Oh wait, I already am! Because I'm- [Wanda uses her power on him] AFRAID OF BATS! BATS EVERYWHERE! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME! IT'S SO TERRIFYING!
- Curb-Stomp Battle: She crushes Thanos into a ball when he's still saying that he doesn't know who she is.
- Screwed by the Lawyers: Her father, Magneto, calls her and Pietro "mutants" despite them not being technically mutants due to the X-Men property being owned by Fox and not Marvel Studios.
- Happy Ending: He doesn't die saving Hawkeye and a child, unlike his movie self.
- No Fourth Wall: He uses his speed to move bullets in mid-air with a lawyer-friendly version of "Time in a Bottle" playing... just like Peter Maximoff, the X-Men films Quicksilver.
- Screwed by the Lawyers: His father, Magneto, calls him and Wanda "mutants" despite them not being technically mutants due to the X-Men property being owned by Fox and not Marvel Studios.
Quicksilver: One of us might have died!
- How he saves Hawkeye in the Age of Ultron: Part 2 HISHE plays out in a similar manner to X-Men Quicksilver's standout scene in Days of Future Past.
- To the HISHE for Lord of The Rings as well.
The size-shifting superhero... whose presence wasn't really necessary in his own movie.
- Borrowed Catchphrase: Copies Batman's "Because I'm...!"
- Brutal Honesty: His answer to Hank Pym's "Mission Impossible caper with ants" plan.Scott: Nobody cares, Hank.
- Hey, That's My Line!: When Superman asks him how he managed to put his suit on so fast, he answers "Because I'm Ant-Man!". Batman overlaps him with his Catchphrase and tells him to stop saying it.
- I Am Not Weasel: The Toy Story protagonists mistake him for a toy.
- Right Under Their Noses: At first, he doesn't seem to be at the Café with the others of Team Cap and Team Iron Man in How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended. Turns out he was there, just shrunk, and Superman sat on him unknowingly.
The retired first Ant-Man and inventor of the Pym particle. He loves complicated plans.
- Adaptation Personality Change: He is goofier than his movie self due to his Complexity Addiction.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: He lets his fondness for Mission: Impossible take over more rational thinking.
- Complexity Addiction: A major case of this.
- First, he wanted to get Scott Lang to work for him by hiring Luis and go through all the process that is seen in the actual movie. Hope convinces him to directly pick up Scott once he gets out of jail and tell him everything.
- Then, at the Super Café, he regrets using his keychain tank to steal the Yellowjacket suit immediately after its presentation, not having realized his dreamed "Mission: Impossible caper WITH ANTS" to mess with Darren Cross' plans, which would have made the movie much cooler (and makes most of the actual movie's action scenes entertaining).
- Hand Wave: In his discussion with Batman at the Café.Batman: If the mass is still the same, shouldn't that tank weight like 60 tons?
Pym: Oh, science, molecules...
Pym: You understand what I'm saying.
The prince/king of Wakanda who wears a vibranium-laced suit.
- Alternate Company Equivalent / Expy: A masked superhero who dresses in black and takes the exact same seat and pose as Batman (minus the coffee mug) at the Team Iron Man table.Iron Man: Any of you jokers want to join? We've even got our own Batman and Superman!
- Badass Boast: Throws one to Batman as he wants to take his seat.Black Panther: Move, or you will be moved!
- Berserk Button: He hates being compared to Batman.
- Borrowed Catchphrase: Uses the phrase "Move, or you will be moved" to address Batman at the Café, which in the movie he appeared in, was said by his security chief.
- Enemy Rising Behind: Rises behind Helmut Zemo in The Stinger.
- In-Series Nickname: Iron Man nicknames him "B.P." and Batman nicknames him "Catman".
- Only Sane Man: He finds the "choose a side" thing very childish, especially when Tony insists he move tables for picking Cap. Tony doesn't disagree.
Steve Rogers' long-lost friend. HYDRA brainwashed and kept him in cryostasis, turning him into a Super Soldier.
- The Atoner: Genuinely regrets killing Tony Stark's parents and accepts his demise when Tony's "Tank Missile" is aimed at him. It's enough for Tony to spare him and go for Zemo instead.
- The Cameo: He appears in the Villain Pub (when the Winter Soldier was still considered a villain) during the segment when the group is talking about masks.
- [[Spoiler:He also shows up in Aquaman, and crashes his helicopter when Arthur distracts him by staring over his shoulders.]]
- Distracted by the Sexy: Is distracted by Steve kissing his biceps as he holds the helicopter from leaving. He ends up crashing the copter into the platform. He did it again in his surprise cameo in Aquaman HISHE in The Stinger. Arthur's "permission to come abroad?" line caused two mercenaries to faint, following by a cut to the distracted Bucky crashing his helicopter into the submarine.
- Face Death with Dignity: Accepts his fate when Tony Stark is out for revenge for the murder of his parents and aims his missile. Since we're in HISHE, it ends well.
- Happy Ending: Compared to the movie's Bittersweet Ending, he manages to make amends for the murder of Tony Stark's parents and Tony accepts it rationally, doesn't end up with his robotic arm severed, and solves the Manchurian Agent words problem.
- I Shall Taunt You: In the Winter Soldier HISHE, he catches Captain America's shield... then doesn't throw it back, keeping it to taunt Cap instead.Winter Soldier: Thanks for the shield! I'm keeping this!
Cap: Give it!!!
Winter Soldier: [runs away with the shield] Woopoopoopoopoo!
- Mundane Solution: In How Captain America Civil War Should Have Ended, as Helmut Zemo starts reciting the Russian words that can turn him into a Manchurian Agent, Bucky simply plugs his ears. He then burns the booknote containing the words at the Café for good measure.
After the Career-Ending Injury that ruined his hands, Stephen Strange became the Master Sorcerer of the MCU.
- Adaptational Alternate Ending:
- He decides to "drive responsibly", focusing on the road instead of checking medical cases sent to his car phone.
- Dormammu changes his mind and crushes him after the bargain.
- Strange reverses time on the Ancient One, bringing her back to life. And he also fixes his hands.
- He uses the Time Stone to restore Tony to life after his Heroic Sacrifice in Endgame.
- Big Damn Heroes: In Villain Pub - The Boss Battle, he rescues Batman from being eaten by the Jaws shark using a Sling Ring portal. Batman refuses to admit this and doesn't tell the truth to Superman.
- Calling Your Attacks: Has a tendency to do this in the Infinity War HISHE. For instance:Strange: (as he's about to hack off Thanos's gauntlet) Cloak of Levitation! And Sling Ring!
- Deus ex Machina: Comes out of nowhere using his Sling Ring's portal to save Batman's life Just in Time as he was being fed to Jaws in a pool.
- Early-Bird Cameo: He appears in the climax of Villain Pub - The Boss Battle, which was made before his own movie's HISHE episode.
- Story-Breaker Power: He gets the idea to use the Eye of Agamotto to undo the death of the Ancient One, fix all the damages done in the film and even fix his hands.
- In "How Thor: Ragnarok Should Have Ended," he also shows up to trap Hela in a never-ending wormhole abyss and restore Thor's hammer back to normal.
- In one possible future for the Infinity War HISHE, he uses his Cloak of Levitation and Sling Ring to hack off the Gauntlet from Thanos's hands. In another, he uses the Time Stone to turn Thanos into a baby.
Michelle "MJ" Jones
A classmate of Peter's who keeps a close eye on him and his activities.
- Foreshadowing: MJ saw Martha in action and did a sketch of him, several episodes before his proper debut in the Justice League episode.
- The Gadfly: She loves messing with people. She somehow gets into the Cafe and does a doodle of Batman in crisis.
- Only Sane Man: Points out to Peter that he could just catch his classmates from the bottom of the Washington Monument.
- Sherlock Scan: MJ notices that Spider-Man sounds just like Peter Parker, who went missing earlier.
- Shout-Out: In her drawing of Batman "in crisis", she draws a picture of the Sad Affleck meme - a reference to Affleck's dismayed reaction when he was told that Dawn of Justice had been critically panned.
- Take That!: Gets one in on both Dawn of Justice and HISHE Batman in the process.
- Worthy Opponent: After witnessing her sketch of him, even Batman begrudgingly admits defeat to Michelle.
Charles Xavier / Professor X
The powerful telepathic mutant who founded the X-Men, and the benevolent headmaster of his School for Gifted Youngsters.
- Big "SHUT UP!": In How X-Men First Class Should Have Ended, as Charles has been paralyzed by the bullet Magneto deflected and needs to be brought to a hospital, he shouts "ENOUGH!" and freezes everyone minus Magneto as they are quarreling over Magneto's brotherhood project instead of caring about his severe injury. He then mind-controls Azazel to teleport himself to a hospital.
- The Cameo: He unexpectedly shows up in the Frozen HISHE, accepting Elsa into his school and ensuring she grows happy and confident.
- Chewing the Scenery: In the X-Men: Apocalypse episode, he commands Jean Grey to "UNLEASH YOUR POWER!!!"
- "Could Have Avoided This!" Plot/Set Right What Once Went Wrong: In the X-Men Days of Future Past episode, Batman points out Kitty could have sent Wolverine even further back in time, in the 1960s, to prevent both the conflict between him and Magneto and the accident that crippled him from even happening, in addition to preventing the Sentinels-dominated Bad Future. Guess what happens next at the café?Xavier: Hey fellas! Just outside enjoying my legs!
- Friendly Enemy: He and Magneto are perfectly happy with their tumultuous love-hate dynamic in "How X-Men: Apocalypse Should Have Ended."Batman: So, you guys aren't going to disagree anymore?
Professor X: Oh no, we will ride this merry-go-round to our graves!
Magneto: Just before that, we'll time-travel and start it all over again!
[Professor X and Magneto laugh merrily together]
- Guile Hero: He convinces Apocalypse to give up his evil ways, and observes that the latter's "true passion is giving people makeovers." Apocalypse then opens a hair salon.
- Medium Awareness: He's aware that he's a film character because he's pleased by the idea of "Never-ending reboots" in the X-Men: Apocalypse skit.
- Nice Guy: He is pretty much the only superhero who gets treated equally to his comics and film portrayal, if not better. He even helps out Elsa from Frozen to control her powers.
- Odd Friendship: He's this with Magneto, given their opposite views on Mutants-Humans tolerance. Charles himself lampshades this by pointing out how odd it is that one moment they are playing chess and the other they are fighting over ideologies.
- People Puppets: He puts everyone (except for Magneto) on "pause" at the Cuban beach so that he can concentrate on using Azazel's teleportation ability to bring himself to a hospital.
- Shout-Out: When Magneto asks him if he has a son, Charles responds, "No Erik, not at this time." David Haller is Xavier's estranged son in comics, but Legion takes place in a parallel universe which is separate from the films.
- Sophisticated as Hell: He's normally polite, but he doesn't hesitate to call Magneto a "selfish a-hole" for caring more about the formation of the Brotherhood instead of helping Xavier with the bullet wound that Magneto had just accidentally caused. He also says "Well, poop" instead of "Well, shit."
Erik Lehnsherr / Magneto
- Adaptation Dye-Job: In the HISHE spoof for X-Men: Apocalypse, his Horseman armour is purple instead of red like in the film.
- Badass Cape: Tells Voldemort how nice-looking capes are.
- Brutal Honesty: In How X-Men Apocalypse Should Have Ended, he's well aware of the necessity of the death of both his wife and daughter to have a Freudian Excuse for his new descent into villainy, so he just bluntly tells his daughter that both her and her mother are most likely to die.
- Crossover: He shows up in How Age of Ultron Should Have Ended, defeating Ultron and his army in a matter of seconds, and telling the MCU Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver they are his children and that they are called mutants. The MCU and X-Men films are not part of the same continuity due to rights issues until Wandavision.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: It is ridiculously easy to defeat Ultron and his robot army when you're a metal-controlling being.
- Friendly Enemy: He and Professor X are perfectly happy with their tumultuous love-hate dynamic in "How X-Men: Apocalypse Should Have Ended."Batman: So, you guys aren't going to disagree anymore?
Professor X: Oh no, we will ride this merry-go-round to our graves!
Magneto: Just before that, we'll time-travel and start it all over again!
[Professor X and Magneto laugh merrily together]
- Insistent Terminology: In the Age of Ultron episode, in a reference to a legal issue Marvel Studios face regarding the Maximoff twins, Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, and Mutants in general, as the rights belong to Fox.Magneto: Those two are my children. And we are called MUTANTS!
- Internal Homage: In How X-Men Apocalypse Should Have Ended, Quicksilver tells Magneto the truth about him... which sends Magneto on the same "I HAVE A SON!" antics as Darth Vader, who cameos at that very moment.
- Luke, I Am Your Father: Reveals he is the father of both cinematic Quicksilvers in the X-Men: Days of Future Past and Avengers: Age of Ultron episodes.
- Odd Friendship: Professor Xavier is this with him, given their opposite views on Mutants-Humans tolerance. Charles himself lampshades this by pointing out how odd it is that one moment they are playing chess and the other they are fighting over ideologies.
- Running Gag: See Luke, I Am Your Father above.
- Skewed Priorities: Cares more about forming his Brotherhood than helping get Charles to a hospital in How X-Men First Class Should Have Ended.Magneto: Charles, what... what's going on, what are you doing?
Xavier: [speaking in unison with a mind-controlled Azazel] I've been shot you selfish a-hole!
[Azazel then teleports Charles away]
James "Logan" Howlett / Wolverine
The regenerating mutant who needs no introduction.
- Adaptational Alternate Ending:
- He goes back in time in the sixties to warn both Charles and Erik about the outcome of both First Class and Days of Future Past, preventing both Charles' paralysis and the Sentinels-dominated Bad Future from happening.
- In How Logan should have ended, he refuses to stay at the Munsons' home thus preventing both the slaughtering of that family and the murder of Charles (which happen in the film by the hand of X-24), knowing full well he, Laura and Charles are hunted down.
- Deadpool shows up to save his life at the end of Logan.
- Been There, Shaped History: One sketch in How Wonder Woman Should Have Ended has him fight alongside her as a reminder that he was also in World War I.
- Cigar Chomper: He constantly has a cigar in his mouth in How X-Men Days of Future Past Should Have Ended.
- Curse Cut Short: His consciousness is sent back in time in the 1960s and takes over his 1960s body right in the middle of the insult he was addressing to Charles and Erik when he rebuffed them.Logan: Go fuuu-AAAaaagh... Erik's going to kill Shaw and get Charles paralyzed! Guys, sit down! I'm from the future, I've so many things to warn you about!
- Easy Amnesia: In the Super Café discussion of How X-Men Days of Future Past Should Have Ended.Xavier: Erased? Logan, what is he talking about?
Logan: Mmh Timey-Wimey... I don't know, I don't remember anything... Who are you people?
- Hidden Depths: He's a really good singer, as Frozen shows.
- Song Parody:
- He sings a solo bit of HISHE's lawyer-friendly version of "Let it go" as Elsa has joined the X-Men in How Frozen Should Have Ended and put them in the mood to sing.
- Practically the whole Logan short is a parody of Les Miserables (which also starred Hugh Jackman). Still pretty tear-jerking... until Deadpool shows up, that is.
- Ripple Effect-Proof Memory: Averted, since it's the 1973 Logan who's sitting in the Café in Days of Future Past HISHE, with no memory of the Bad Future. It borders on Easy Amnesia since he doesn't even know who the people he's talking to in the Café are.
- Shirtless Scene: He's bare-chested throughout the X-Men: Apocalypse skit, including when he's looking through the window from outside the Café.
The X-Men film series' speedster mutant.
- Big "WHAT?!": Utters one as Magneto reveals he is his father.
- Borrowed Catchphrase: In How X-Men Apocalypse Should Have Ended, after saving the MCU Quicksilver from his death, he borrows said guy's last phrase from his movie.Peter: Bet you didn't see that coming. [Wink "Ding!"]
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: He decides to prevent the death of his MCU counterpart all of a sudden, and addresses the audience directly right afterwards.
- The Cameo: Apart from sparing the life of his MCU counterpart, he also saves Vanessa Carlyle's life in Deadpool 2.
- Luke, You Are My Father: How he reveals himself to Magneto, when the latter reacts with "I have a son!? I have a son!". Oddly, Erik already knew in Days of Future Past without this reaction.
- The Prankster: He uses his speed to find out about Batman's Secret Identity at the Café (by looking under his mask), much to Batman's annoyance. He then sticks a paper with Bruce Wayne's name on the Bat's face before leaving.
- Story-Breaker Power: His ludicrous speed is the very reason he was Put on a Bus mid-way through X-Men: Days of Future Past, as it would have shortened the rest of the film considerably. In HISHE, Charles Xavier has the very clever idea to keep him along so they can prevent Mystique from killing Trask more easily, and thus prevent the movie's messy situation when Magneto tried to kill Mystique with a crowd watching them, which ended up furthering Trask's cause.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool
The Merc With a Mouth... in a PG-13 world.
- Anti-Hero: The very reason he isn't allowed to stay in the Villain Pub. It's even invoked by Voldemort.
- Big Damn Heroes:
- He shows up in the X-Men Apocalypse short to save the group inside Stryker's base with the help of Cable.
- He shows up again in Logan to give the serum to Wolverine and defibrillate him.
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: Naturally.Deadpool: You think the studio could afford Beast?!
- The Cameo:
- Green Lantern appears in How Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Should Have Ended, asking to enter the Café as usual... but reveals himself to be a disguised Deadpool, who has just come there to taunt Batman because he killed people in the film.
- He appears in the X-Men Apocalypse HISHE with Cable inside Stryker's base instead of Wolverine. He then says "Someone has to save this franchise!" note and goes on a rampage on Stryker's soldiers.
- In Logan, he shows up to save Logan's life.
- Curse Cut Short: On two instances, he tries to swear... and Captain America prevents him from finishing his word, by throwing his shield in Deadpool's face.Captain America: LANGUAGE!
- He gets even with Cap in How Captain America Should Have Returned the Stones, when Steve meets the Red Skull.
- Everyone Has Standards: In the Deadpool 2 video, he tells Thanos he could just make new resources with the Infinity Gauntlet and he doesn't need to kill half the universe.
- Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Voldemort and Palpatine point out this character trait is not enough to make him evil.Palpatine: There is still good in you. Leave us!
- In-Series Nickname: Palpatine calls him "Van Wilder", which is a reference to a role played by Ryan Reynolds in the film of the same name.
- Other Me Annoys Me: When he's warned to leave the Villain Pub, Deadpool leaves behind Weapon XI (the In Name Only Deadpool from X-Men Origins: Wolverine), much to the disgust of everyone.
- Sound-Effect Bleep: When Captain America is not around to enforce his "Language!" shtick, a Bleep sound covers Deadpool's profanities. HISHE is not rated R, obviously.
- There Is No Kill Like Overkill: He shoots in Ajax's head and beheads him for good measure.Deadpool: Now f-[BLEEP] die already!
- Toilet Humour: He shows his bare butt to Batman and Superman in the Logan HISHE short.
An Afro-Latino teenager and the second Spider-Man of a reality where Peter Parker died in battle.
- Art Evolution: In the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse HISHE, he is changed from the picture shown here into an approximation of his design from that film. In general, the design is also sleeker as well.
- The Cameo: He shows up in How Spider-Man: Homecoming Should Have Ended just as Tom Holland's Peter Parker was saying he won't get replaced any time soon, after Holland's predecessors pointed out he replaced them with all these Continuity Reboots.MCU Peter: Oh, Mr. Stark, I don't want to replace anyone, you know, that would just suck...
Marc Webb Peter: Yeah, it does suck, being replaced such a whole lot.
Sam Raimi Peter: (whining) Now you know how I feel...
MCU Peter: Guys, I'm really sorry... I guess I just feel so lucky, you know. There's been all these reboots and do-overs, but... I made it! I'm finally home now. And now I know they'll never replace me.
Miles Morales: Yeah, don't be too sure about that!
- Only Sane Man: In that he's the only one genuinely confused about the fact that he got dragged out of his bed to sit in an alternate dimensional cafe and listen to Batman and Superman talk smack about his movie.
- Ship Tease: He gets a little more assertive with telling Gwen that he's interested in her. She requites the shoulder touch much to everyone's delight.
A sapient symbiotic lifeform that bonds with a human photojournalist named Eddie Brock.
- Anti-Hero: So much so that his morality makes him incompatible for neither the Super Cafe or Villain Pub, resulting in HISHE creating the Machete's Chimichangas food truck (first seen in the Deadpool 2 HISHE) for him and other Anti-Heroes to hang out and talk.
- Creepy Good: Anti-Hero at best. Especially when he attempts stop a robbery by eating a robber.
- Gender Bender: He casually switches genders depending on his hosts. He remains female after taking over Anne Weying following Eddie's death.
- Malaproper: None of the similes he uses make a lick of a sense, to the exasperation of the gas station robber and the cashier. Though his exchange with Garfield Spider-Man was Exactly What I Meant To Say.
- Odd Friendship: He hangs out with Wonder Woman having ice-cream in a cafe in The Stinger.