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Freddy Krueger vs. Wolverine
Played by: WAX
"One, two, Freddy's coming for you..."
- Alien Blood: He bleeds green.
- All Girls Want Bad Boys: He claims that "heavy-metal bitches" find him attractive.
- Alone with the Psycho: The settings Freddy appears in — an Abandoned Playground, a narrow hallway, a dark alley, and a spooky forest all at nighttime — give off feelings of isolation. Even when Wolverine wakes up in his bed and appears to be alone at first, Freddy is still stalking him in the shadows.
- Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: He grows to giant size in Wolverine's nightmare.
- Blade Below the Shoulder: He's got knives on the fingertips of his glove. Wolverine, whose claws are real, isn't greatly impressed.Wolverine: I'll call you tomorrow morning if I need my toast buttered.
- Body Horror: He's covered head-to-toe in burn scars. Wolverine even remarks that Freddy's face looks like "Deadpool's ballsack."
- Card-Carrying Villain: As in canon; he brags about being the product of a "twisted mind" and claims that beneath his terrifying exterior, there's nothing but the love of killing.
- Chick Magnet: He believes himself to be one. He says this after turning himself into a giant magnet to defeat Wolverine.Freddy: As for me, I'm a chick magnet
So heavy-metal bitches are real attracted.
- Dirty Coward: Wolverine berates him for preying on sleeping victims, and Logan can even tell just by looking that Freddy is intimidated by him. This is cemented by the final verse, wherein Freddy would rather surreptitiously stalk Wolverine in the background instead of confronting him directly while Logan is actively looking for him and gearing up for a fight.
- Dirty Old Man: Wolverine mocks Freddy's fascination with young girls.
- Dream Weaver: He can enter dreams at will and alter them to his choosing.
- Dream Within a Dream: After Freddy's second verse, where he seems to be overpowering his opponent, Wolverine wakes up in his bedroom... or so it seems. Freddy keeps appearing subtly in the background, showing that Logan's still asleep.
- Evil Makes You Ugly: Wolverine repeatedly mocks his burnt appearance.
- Evil Sounds Deep: He's got a deep, booming voice.
- I Was Beaten by a Girl: Wolverine mocks the fact that Nancy Thompson killed him.
- Iconic Outfit: His brown fedora, red and green striped sweater, and knife glove — all of which are mocked by Wolverine.
- Ironic Nursery Tune: He starts out singing his "One-two Freddy's coming for you" rhyme, even doing it in an Abandoned Playground for emphasis.
- Knight of Cerebus: He seldom has moments of levity, but it really kicks into effect during his second verse, where he starts messing with Wolverine in incredibly freaky ways, just like in his source material.
- Magnetism Manipulation: In the dream world, Freddy turns his arms into giant magnets to defeat Wolverine.
- Medium Awareness: He knows that both he and Wolverine are fictional characters, and even uses their respective origins as a diss.Freddy: Bitch, I come from Wes Craven's twisted mind.
You come from comic books that kids get when they're well behaved at Christmas time.
- Mirror Monster: In the final verse, Freddy briefly replaces Logan's reflection in his bedroom mirror.
- Mundane Made Awesome: Uses a pair of giant magnets against Wolverine that would look tacky if anyone else wore, but considering the context, it makes it all the more awesome and terrifying.
- Never Sleep Again: Freddy comes after people in their sleep and gives them deadly nightmares.
- Nice Hat: He wears a brown fedora; Wolverine doesn't think it's so nice, however.
- Offscreen Teleportation: At the end, when Wolverine appears to have woken up in his room, Freddy continues to appear in several places in the background just outside Logan's field of vision.
- Pædo Hunt: Unlike the original movies, where Freddy was only said to be a child murderer (and any sexual perversions on his part were merely implied), here Wolverine explicitly calls Freddy a pedophile in reference to the reboot and compares him to R. Kelly.
- Sadist: True to form, he takes great pleasure in psychologically torturing Wolverine.
- Self-Mutilation Demonstration: He cuts off two of his own fingers and grows them back to show he means business.
- Serial Killer: He's murdered countless innocent people over the course of his series.
- Sinister Scraping Sound: In his title screen, we see Freddy dragging his claw across the bottom of the screen, creating sparks and an eerie scraping noise.
- Sinister Silhouettes: He briefly appears as a shadow in the window behind Wolverine in his bedroom.
- Slain in Their Sleep: When he kills people in their dreams, they die in the real world, too.Freddy: Better stay awake like a meth head.
Spread red on your bedspread till you're lying there in your deathbed.
- This Is for Emphasis, Bitch!: "Welcome to primetime, bitch!"
- Torches and Pitchforks: As Wolverine points out, Freddy was burned alive by a vigilante mob of angry parents as revenge for what he did to their children.
- X Called; They Want Their Y Back: He uses this line against Wolverine:
- Weaksauce Weakness: Wolverine points out that Freddy only has power in the dream world, and can't hurt people when they're awake.Wolverine: Don't sleep? That's all you got for me? I could defeat your ass with a cup of tea!
- Would Hurt a Child: He's murdered (and apparently molested) countless children.
- You Need to Get Laid: He remarks that Jean Grey won't be in Wolverine's bed anytime soon.
- Your Worst Nightmare: Freddy specializes in exploiting people's fears to make it easier to kill them in their dreams. He demonstrates this against Wolverine by growing to giant size, depriving Logan of his claws, and turning his (Freddy's) arms into giant magnets to make sure Wolverine can't escape.
- You Will Not Evade Me: Freddy turns his arms into giant magnets to pull the Adamantium-infused Wolverine closer, presumably so Freddy can go for the kill. Fortunately, Logan wakes up before he gets too close.
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"I been to hell and back and whooped Satan's ass!"
- Actor Allusion: Both Freddy and Wolverine himself make references to Hugh Jackman, who played Wolverine in the movies.
- The Alcoholic: He flat out says that the only thing that scares him is a fridge with no beer in it.
- Atrocious Alias: Freddy mocks Wolverine's nickname, reasoning that a wolverine is just "some kind of an angry beaver".
- Canada, Eh?: Freddy makes a few jokes about Wolverine's Canadian heritage (ending a sentence with "eh?" and then comparing Logan to Justin Bieber.)
- Catapult Nightmare: He kicks off his second verse waking up from his nightmare, screaming and bolting upright in his bed. Mind you, due to his "Weapon X flashbacks" this is normal for him.
- Chekhov's Gunman: Has was mentioned twice since Season 4 (first by Stan Lee, then by Boba Fett) before finally making an appearance.
- Cigar Chomper: He's briefly shown with a cigar in his mouth before his verse.
- Dark and Troubled Past: Wolverine says that nothing Freddy conjures up could ever compare to Logan's "Weapon X" flashbacks.
- Did Not Get the Girl: Freddy mocks him for not getting together with Jean Grey.
- Guttural Growler: He's got a raspy, snarly voice.
- Healing Factor: He can heal from any injury. Freddy points this out, but isn't impressed.
- Height Angst: Freddy repeatedly mocks Wolverine's short stature.Freddy: Look at the size of your body! How could I possibly think I'm in trouble?
I can't tell the difference between your action figure and your Stunt Double!
- Horned Hairdo: Freddy mocks his outrageous hairstyle.
- Hot Blooded Sideburns: He's got his signature mutton chops, which Freddy mocks.
- Iconic Outfit: He's wearing his white tanktop/blue jeans/brown belt ensemble from the X-Men Film Series during the last verse.
- I'm Not Afraid of You: He gets a little shaken and caught off guard a few times, but Wolverine is not frightened by Freddy's tricks at all. Even after a vivid Nightmare Sequence where Freddy disempowers and nearly kills him, Logan isn't intimidated, but enraged.Wolverine: You've got the wrong room if you're looking for fear
The only thing that scares me is a fridge with no beer!
- Like a Badass out of Hell: "I've been to hell and back and whooped Satan's ass"
- Logical Weakness: Because Wolverine's bones are infused with Adamantium, Freddy manages to slow him down by turning his arms into giant magnets.
- Monochromatic Eyes: Not quite; Wolverine here still has black pupils, but his irises are white like his sclerae, which gives him a subtly unnatural and feral appearance.
- No-Sell: While the nightmare with Freddy does unnerve him, nothing Freddy does actually hurts Wolverine, and he shakes off the initial fear quickly.Wolverine: That verse stung, bub, but I've already recovered.
- Not Wearing Tights: Averted for most of the battle, in which Wolverine wears a comic-accurate costume (which he rarely does in live-action appearances.) Then in his last verse when he wakes up, the trope is played straight when he's wearing a singlet and jeans like in the movies. Note
- Pretender Diss: Wolverine mocks how Freddy's claws are artificial — unlike Logan, whose claws are part of his anatomy.Wolverine: Nice glove, bub, but I'm real from bones to teeth.
That claw's like a strap on: there's a pussy underneath.
- Wolverine Claws: Naturally, Wolverine has razor-sharp claws that, unlike Freddy's glove, are actually part of Wolverine's body. In the nightmare, Freddy disempowers Logan by taking away his claws.
Che Guevara vs. Guy Fawkes
Played by: Robert Rico
"I'm known worldwide for my steely-eyed look!"
- Always Second Best: Guy Fawkes claims that, no matter how hard Che tries, he'll never live up to a certain other Communist revolutionary of the time:
- Aroused by Their Voice: He claims that even if he's asthmatic, his voice will take your breath away.
- Badass Beard: Sports a rather nice beard. In fact, his actor, Robert Rico, stated that the reason he decided to play Che Guevara was so he could have a beard (as he "can't grow facial hair at all" naturally)
- Bourgeois Bohemian: Guy Fawkes mocks Che for the fact that Capitalists have taken his image and turned it into a marketable brand that rakes in huge profits.Guy Fawkes: As a communist it must really hurt
That your face has been cheapened, weakened, besmirched,
Being plastered on posters, coasters and shirts,
Making capitalists rich off of you on merch!
- Chummy Commies: He's a guerrilla fighter and communist revolutionary, true, but he's shown here to be an idealist and optimist for his cause.
- Cigar Chomper: He lights up a stogie at the end of his second verse...
- Cigar-Fuse Lighting: When hes done, he throws his still-burning cigar onto one of the powder kegs in Fawkes background. Stuff Blowing Up ensues.
- Clint Squint: As he boasts, "I'm known worldwide for my steely-eyed look."
- Dirty Communists: His communism is referenced as both a boast on his part and a diss on his enemy's side.
- Do Wrong, Right: He disdains Guy Fawkes not for trying to blow up the House of Lords, but for failing and getting caught.Che Guevara: You tried to rebel against James the first.
Here's a tip for your next plot: try to rehearse!
- Even Evil Has Standards: The Catholic Church's unfortunate pedophilia epidemic is about the lowest of the low even by the standards of a ruthless Communist revolutionary.
- Handicapped Badass: "Asthmatic, but I'll take your breath away!"
- Large Ham: Worthy of the telenovelas that South America is also known for (and ironic for a person most often represented as a static image).
- The Man Is Sticking It to the Man: Guy Fawkes points out the hypocrisy of Che fighting for communism while his face is on lots of merchandise and is making capitalists rich.
- Merchandise-Driven: As both he and Guy Fawkes point out, Che's likeness has been used on various merchandise.
- Nice Hat: He's a self-proclaimed "fresh Kangol wearer."
- No Such Thing as Bad Publicity: Doesn't seem all that bothered that his image has been so thoroughly merchandised, despite his communist ideology. Any way of getting the message out is good enough for him, it seems.
- Smug Smiler: Che is one confident Communist.
- Take That!: He claims that Guy Fawkes is only known "because of Alan Moore's third-best book!"
- Totally Radical: He uses a fair amount of slang from The New '10s, such as lit, Epic Fail, and you had one job! While this works well enough for the most part, his reference to What Does the Fox Say six years after that meme had come and gone makes him seem a little late to the party. Alternatively, it fits with his general theme of calling Guy Fawkes a has-been and only being known superficially, therefore comparing him to said outdated memes.
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"I'm a pious man, and I fight for the Lord!"
- Astonishingly Appropriate Interruption: In the last verse, right before his powder kegs blow up in his face in the most literal way.
- Bomb-Throwing Anarchists: He's an anti-government radical with a penchant for explosives.
- Badass Mustache: A meta example. Peter grew out his beard for the role, which was then shaved down into the mustache and goatee combo that Guy is famous for. He laments that he was only able to wear it for that one day of shooting, because he needed to shave it clean in order to dress up for the Edward Scissorhands cameo that features in Freddy Krueger vs. Wolverine.
- Cold-Blooded Torture: He claims he went through this twice in his lifetime.Guy Fawkes: I was tortured until I could hardly sign my name,
and listening to you felt pretty much the same!
- Epic Fail: Che Guevara characterizes his failure to blow up a certain government building as a humiliating defeat on Guy's part.Che Guevara: You had one job, cabrón: to strike a matchstick!
Got caught with a fuse like your bars: not lit!
- Face Death with Dignity: He realizes hes about to get blown up at the end of his verse, and he lets off one last boast before accepting his fate.
- Flipping the Bird: Gives the British two-finger salute variation.Guy Fawkes: Revolt all you want; I don't give two Guy Fawkes!
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Literally; at the end, he gets blown up by his own powder kegs.
- Made even more hilarious when you realize that the only reason why the powder kegs got lit up in the first place is because Fawkes himself backhanded away a cigar that Che threw at him. If he hadn't, the kegs probably wouldn't have detonated.
- Hypocrite: He mocks Che for getting his image stolen and flipped for profit by corporations and businessmen, despite the same thing having happened to Guy himself with the famous mask bearing his image (which appears throughout the battle.) Of course, since Fawkes fought for his Catholic cause and the Catholic religion has never really been consistently anti-capitalist — in fact, the main charge against the Church by protestants was precisely its materialism — it would not be much of a diss on Fawkes.
- Nice Hat: He wears a tall, black hat that is mocked by his opponent.Che Guevara: And this porn star pilgrim look, what's up with that?
It's more like V for Very Bad Hat!
- Pedophile Priest: While Guy himself was neither a clergyman nor a child molester, Che still mocks Fawkes devotion to the Catholic Church despite their "bad touching-little-boys habit."
- Real Men Love Jesus: He's proudly devoted to his Catholic faith.
- Religious Bruiser: "I'm a pious man, and I fight for the Lord!"
- Stuff Blowing Up: He ends the battle getting blown up thanks to Ches thrown cigar landing on one of Guys powder kegs.
- Take That!: "Look at Venezuela: what you're fighting for sucks!"
Ronald McDonald vs. the Burger King
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"The undisputed GOAT of putting burgers in bellies!"
- Always Someone Better: He emphasizes that he'll always be the superior brand and Burger King just Can't Catch Up:Ronald: I'm fast food Eminem; you're Machine Gun Kelly
I'm Coke to your Pepsi; I'm Mac, you're Android.
- Cordon Bleugh Chef: The Burger King claims McDonald's patties turns his digestive system into a drive-through.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall: "Let's be real — I'm NicePeter, and you're EpicLloyd".
- Let's Get Dangerous!: "Why don't you call me Ronald Jeremy, cause I'm getting nasty!"
- Monster Clown: Burger King seems to think he's creepy:Burger King: You spooky-ass clown, you're so creepy, it's insane!
You look like you just ate someone's brother in a storm drain!
- Mystery Meat: Burger King brings up McDonalds' use of pink slime in their meat.
- Non-Ironic Clown: While the Burger King considers him a creepy clown, Ronald is more of a playful clown.
- The One Thing I Don't Hate About You: He admits that Burger King's onion rings are pretty good.
- Perpetual Smiler: Has a cheerful demeanor and sports a playful grin throughout the battle.
- Shout-Out: "Ask Rick and Morty who's the lyrical boss! I've got lines for days; call me Szechuan sauce!"
- So Last Season: Wendy mocks him for essentially being replaced by the Happy meal logo as his own franchise's mascot.
- Tempting Fate: Declares himself the "best trash-talking mascot in town" in his last verse. Not five seconds later, Wendy makes her appearance in the battle and thrash-talks both him and the King into Stunned Silence.
The Burger King
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"Welcome to BK! How can I serve you today?!"
- Authority Equals Asskicking: He claims that because he's a king, he's automatically superior to anything Ronald can throw at him.Burger King: You can't beat the king with your crew, please!
The whole head of your government's name is Mayor McCheese!
- Badass Beard: A very impressive one.
- Catchphrase: Uses both franchises' catch phrases in his raps, first by declaring that roasting Ronald is "have it your way!" and in his second verse stating that he isn't "lovin'" shit.
- Cool Crown: Although McDonald claims he's the one wearing the crown at the end.
- Cordon Bleugh Chef: McDonald mocks The Burger King for using Cheetos in their recipes. Ronald also claims that BK's burgers are made of horse lips and ass meat.
- Fur and Loathing: He's wearing his fur-trimmed robe while dropping bars.
- Hypocritical Humor: He calls McDonald creepy, but as Wendy hints at, the general public considers him far creepier.
- Memetic Molester: Wendy mocks his infamous creepy face.
- Requisite Royal Regalia: Wears a fur-trimmed robe, a crown, and several gold rings on his fingers, clearly indicating that he is of high rank.
- Toilet Humor: He's not averse to bathroom jokes:Your pink slime meat turns my asshole to a drive-thru!
You're number one, like the whiz I took in your ball pit!
Played by: MC Goldiloxx
"I'm the fast food queen mean with a Tweet sesh!"
- Action Girl: Jumps at the end of the battle to verbally attack both Ronald and the King.
- Adaptational Attractiveness: Thanks to Age Lift, she has defined cheekbones and her Youthful Freckles are not that pronounced.
- Adults Dressed as Children: Think of the Wendy's little girl mascot with the youthful attire and Girlish Pigtails but worn by a woman in her twenties or thirties.
- Age Lift: The original Wendy's mascot is supposed to be a child. This one is clearly an adult.
- Big-Lipped Alligator Moment: How she's treated by the other two. Once she leaves they just look at each other and shrug.
- Dimensional Traveler: She is seen entering a portal when she exits the battle.
- Fiery Redhead: She's a redhead and quite the Large Ham.
- The Gadfly: She proudly brags about her roasts on Twitter.
- Genki Girl: Much more energetic than the other two.
- Giant Space Flea from Nowhere: She's an unannounced competitor.
- Girlish Pigtails: It's her trademark hairstyle after all. Her inserts are seen twirling it.
- Incoming Ham: Enters the battle with an increasingly louder repeating "WHERE'S THE BEEF? RIGHT HERE!" line.
- Little Miss Snarker: Gets off an entire verse of non-stop disses on both the King and Ronald.
- Skip of Innocence: Exits the battle doing this, though she subverts the innocence part.
- True Blue Femininity: She's wearing her iconic sky blue dress.
Thanos vs. ???
George Carlin vs. ???
Played by: Peter Shukoff