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Common Hollywood Sex Traits

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Elly: Michael - what on earth are you watching? That is not for young children. I'm changing the channel.
Michael: But Mom!
Elly: It's garbage, Michael! Real relationships aren't like that!
Michael: Mom, I...
Elly: I'm not going to let you sit there and be filled with explicit information. It's confusing and it's wrong.

In fiction, sexual activities do not have to be realistic. They are not there to give people realistic expectations. So they may as well present rare luck, implausible stuff, or be downright impossible.

However, since Reality Is Unrealistic, real sex isn't always sexy. At best, the authors tend to run on a mix of Rule of Fun, Rule of Sexy, and a good dose of let's-not-squick-people-out. With or without Lampshade Hanging. At worst, they simply don't know better and assume such things to be realistic.

Porn, it should go without saying, dials this up to 99999999[meter broken].

Thus, welcome to the wonderful world of Idealized Sex, where sexuality often works like this:


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    Everything I know about vanilla sex, I learned from the Movies 
  • No one ever plans to have sex, unless they really plan and go all out with candles and rose petals. Couples never simply agree that after work tonight they'll enjoy some "together time". There are exceptions like Pete in Knocked Up casually and nonchalantly asking for sex while brushing his teeth, but overall, people in movies rarely have an actual conversation about wanting to have sex. Instead, we have a smash cut from seductive looks to a squeaking bed, or a couple will just start passionately making out for seemingly no reason. It's always an impromptu act of passion, emotion, and perhaps raging hormones.
  • Once the commitment to sex has been made, it is impossible to delay the act, so you must rip each other's clothes off and be lucky if you make it to the bed. Ripping off clothes is always treated as a sign of how incredibly attracted the characters are, and never seen as ruining (sometimes very expensive) outfits just to get into bed 30 seconds sooner.
  • People in fictional works show real grace in the bedroom. You never see them get their shirt stuck on their head (save for Starship Troopers) or trip over their pants. They must also have great coordination when they're able to passionately make out on their way to the bedroom or in a cramped space without stubbing a toe or tripping over furniture.
  • Since A Man Is Always Eager, if a man loses his commitment to sex for no logical reason while his girlfriend remains Ready for Lovemaking, it means that he's actually gay. This is a stock Coming-Out Story.
  • Nobody performing oral sex has any sense of taste. Porn stars seem capable of giving a blow job regardless of where the penis has just been.note 
  • They Got Over Rape Instantly. A sexual assault victim is saved or escapes the assault and immediately displays romantic or sexual interest in their savior or another love interest without having to address the trauma which is also never brought up again.
  • No-one has difficulty getting into position. No one ever gets pinched because an arm is in the wrong place, no awkward elbows or knees. It is not necessary to communicate to coordinate yourselves. Everyone will simply transition from one position to another as smoothly as Olympic gymnasts. Even if the lights are so dark that nothing can be seen. The exception is if extremely advanced positions are attempted, which in a comedy will result in hilarious injuries while in drama can result in accidental death.
    • It is worth noting that the same trait does occur in written works (literature, comic books, and manga), although in them it's more a case of Conservation of Detail, being that describing where everyone puts their limbs at a particular moment is far more difficult and long-winded, taking up time and space, than in a movie where showing people taking difficulty getting into a position takes a few seconds at most rather than a page and a half.note 
    • Averted in Biloxi Blues where the prostitute has to tell her inexperienced customer that he's putting his knee in her stomach, and later in the act has to remind him to breathe.
  • Lubrication is also not required. No matter how big the difference in sizes, penetration will take no more than a brief grunt. Sexual organs are also auto-targeting and therefore will require no help finding the right orifice.
    • And when lube is used, it is sometimes dangerously improbable. Blood is popular in goth/vampire fiction, even though blood is the opposite of a lubricant and will coagulate in contact with air (otherwise we'd all bleed to death from a papercut); sugary substances would get sticky after a while and could cause a nasty yeast infection in a vagina; oil, lotion, and any other oily lubricant including medical ointments would dissolve a latex condom; gun and motor oils are toxic; and alcoholic beverages would burn. The exception is menstrual blood, which contains anticoagulants (alongside mucus and bits of tissue and other things most people don't find erotic).
    • This trope is very dangerous in Real Life for both people involved, for (even microscopic) cuts or scratches on the inner genital are ideal entryways for HIV. The practice of dry sex (using large amounts of soap and herbs to dry out the vaginal lubrication before sex) may be the main culprit for the explosion of HIV infection via heterosexual sex in African countries. Besides, it's just as painful as it can be imagined.
  • Impotence, if it occurs at all, is never a temporary or minor thing. If it happens, then angst must follow and serious steps must be taken to fix the problem. It never fixes itself if you relax and give it a minute.
    • Averted twice in Choke; both times it's treated as normal.
    • Conversely, a man who isn't impotent will respond instantaneously to arousal, as though it was spring-loaded.
  • Unless impotence occurs as mentioned above, men ALWAYS climax during sex with no trouble. Nobody has "death grip syndrome," when a man has trouble reaching orgasm outside his masturbation routine.
    • Averted in 'The Five-Year Engagement'.
  • Pre-sex hygiene and post-sex clean-up are not required, except perhaps sharing a shower for romance reasons or a villain ordering his servants to give the captive damsel a pre-rape cleaning. Condoms or fluids of any kind are assumed to be left to their own devices and do not need to be cleaned up/disposed of (there is no such thing as a urinary tract infection), and underwear will have regenerated by morning so that the participants can get out of bed in view of the audience, though this can be Truth in Television, if they get up in the night to use the bathroom and put on their underwear before getting back in bed.
    • This one, in particular, was averted in a Neil Gaiman erotic short story where the characters briefly do anal; neither have reached a climax so before they continue, the woman tells her partner to throw out the soiled condom.
    • Averted in A Brother's Price, where Jerin's wives all clean him up before leaving his bedroom. Sharing a husband between several sisters only works if everyone leaves him as she found him, after all.
    • Averted in The Society, which is surprising given the show’s young adult genre (which is typically full of Hollywood Sex traits). Protagonist Allie gets a painful urinary tract infection after an ill-advised one night stand, prompting a chiding from her more worldly older sister.
  • Condoms are never mentioned, unless it’s integral to the story, like Ben failing to put one on in Knocked Up. No one ever mentions having a condom, no one ever puts one on, and no one ever takes one off after finishing. Despite condoms being a fairly important and integral aspect to having safe sex, especially with a stranger, movies almost never mention them, and characters always seem to just jump right into the action without a second thought.
    • Surprisingly always averted in Harlequin's modern-day Romance Novels, where condoms are always used except for in those stories where the sex leads to pregnancy.
  • Nobody suffers flatulence or similarly awkward noises during sex, despite this being a distinct possibility, what with people twisting their bodies or compressing their lower orifices slightly to get into certain positions, along with the loss of muscle control at certain points.
  • Nobody ever makes weird faces during sex or while climaxing.
  • Couples always come at the exact same time. Unless:
    • If a man climaxes prematurely, his partner will be left unsatisfied, as it is impossible to continue sex or bring the partner to climax any other way.
    • The female orgasm is an elusive creature rarer than the rarest Mon. Women simply fake it to spare their partners' feelings, as if communicating what does and doesn't work would not make it as easy to climax as any man.
  • Socks simply don't exist, as there is really no way to remove them in a sexy fashion, nor is it sexy to leave them on. (Sexy to the mainstream, that is; foot fetishists didn't get a vote.) Hence the Sock Gap.
    • The exception being thigh-high or knee-high socks, which may be allowed to exist since they can be removed in a sexy fashion. With much panning down the legs and so forth.
  • Couples sharing true love have gentle, sweet sex; couples sharing a wild, passionate romance have, well, wild and passionate sex.
  • A woman's first time will always be bloody and painful, no matter how relaxed and horny she may be (and don't even mention foreplay). From her second time on, however, she'll be perfectly used to the sexual act and having multiple orgasms (and still no sign of foreplay). In reality, this is more likely to be due to her inexperience and/or her partner's than any biological hurdle, and sex becomes more enjoyable as she learns what she does and doesn't like. The first time doesn't have to hurt.
  • Related to the above: The presence of a hymen and bleeding as proof of virginity. Not only is this misconception perpetuated in fiction, but it's used to humiliate women all over the world in real life. note  In reality, all sorts of physical activity can rupture the hymen, and many women have one that doesn't cover the vaginal opening and isn't significantly altered (if at all) during sex. Some are even born without one! A hymen that does cover the vagina is a medical disorder and not the average state of affairs. As mentioned above, vaginal bleeding or lack thereof during sex has more to do with the partners' inexperience rather than any sort of biological hurdle.
    • Zig-zagged on True Blood. Jessica was 16 and a virgin when she was turned into a vampire. After having sex with Hoyt, she's horrified to find out her hymen had grown back and she would have to deal with the pain of breaking it every single time she had sex. At no point is she stated to have an imperforate hymen. The ridiculousness of this didn't get past viewers, and this aspect of her character is quietly dropped after the second season and she is later shown enjoying sex with no problem whatsoever.
    • Tampons have been seen as controversial in more conservative cultures and time periods due to how it may interact with the hymen, as some people honestly believe that a girl can be deflowered by a hygiene product.
  • Roll in the Hay: Stables and barns are a perfect place to make love. They're not cold, dirty, or smelly in the least and those blankets that appear out of nowhere are always perfectly clean as well. (And hay never, never pokes you in an impertinent manner.) They're also never full of spiders, mice, snakes, and other creepy crawlies that you would expect to find in a barn.
  • You are much more likely to see a woman performing oral sex on a man than vice versa. In some contexts this is an Enforced Trope: the MPAA has been accused of automatically giving more stringent ratings to scenes of male-on-female oral sex than female-on-male.
  • A woman is biologically incapable of experiencing orgasm without screaming the words "God" and "Yes" and, usually, proclaiming in a loud and clear voice that they are about to experience said sensation. Yes, this can be Truth in Television, but these vocalizations can just as easily be quiet moaning or subdued grunting as loud ecstatic exclamations and screams.
  • All couples huff and puff under special L-shaped bed sheets that reach up to the armpit level on women but only the waist level on men. However, often during the seventies and early eighties, many couples did so under unisex bed sheets that only reach waist level on both women and men.
  • Shirts are a turn-off to women; in fact, they'll ignore you if you're wearing one, like the female sports reporter in this Diet Rite commercial does. When a woman meets up with two very attractive, fit, muscular guys in which one's shirtless and the other one's wearing a shirt, she'll choose the bare-chested guy over the guy who's fully clothed. Even though women consider shirts to be unsexy on a guy, there are a couple of exceptions. Those two exceptions being if he's wearing just a vest or if the shirt's unbuttoned at least halfway.
  • Foreplay is not required; you can go from a passionate kiss to intercourse with nothing in between, and it won't be painful or lack sufficient lubrication for either partner.
  • Anal sex doesn't require any sort of stretching or preparation.
  • Virgins instinctively know what to do and how to do it.
  • There's no need to worry about urinary tract or yeast infections. No one in the movies is shown urinating after sex, especially women, even though that (and washing hands, genitals, and anus) is the best way to prevent them. And no one ever has problems with receiving oral because they're susceptible to these sort of infections. In real life, this is a very real concern, especially for women.
    • Averted in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend when the protagonist Rebecca gets one after having a lot of sex with Greg
  • Only conventionally-attractive people (women especially) have any hope of having sex. Hollywood Homely, Hollywood Pudgy, over a certain age, scarred or otherwise disfigured, or otherwise not fitting into that category? You're shit-outta-luck. And when the occasional Hollywood production does show so-called "normal" or subjectively "non-attractive" people having sex in a realistic manner, it's either played Played for Laughs, depicted as unpleasant for one or both partners, or depicted as Nausea Fuel in such an unpleasant way you wonder how population levels can possibly be sustained.
    • Discussed in Seinfeld
      Jerry: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good-looking?
      Elaine: 25%.
      Jerry: 25%, you say? No way! It's like, 4 to 6%. It's a 20 to 1 shot.
      Elaine: You're way off.
      Jerry: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there!
      Elaine: So what you're saying is that 90 to 95% of the population is undateable.
      Jerry: UNDATEABLE!
      Elaine: Then how do all these people keep gettin' together?
      Jerry: [shrug] Alcohol?
    • Averted on South Park of all shows. Kyle's parents are the overweight Sheila and the extremely-average Gerald, and they're normally portrayed as uptight Moral Guardians, but one episode shows them having a very active and passionate sex life, complete with roleplaying.
    • Averted on The Magicians: Josh is the least conventionally attractive of the core characters, but he's had at least four sex partners and claims many more. That being said, it's also made clear that he's outgoing, funny, and a great cook, making it understandable why he's a hit with the ladies.
  • A man (or, in the case of Slash Fic and the like, the Seme) might not disrobe completely. The act will be completed Right Through His Pants. A woman (or an Uke), meanwhile, will always wind up naked or nearly naked, even if they're doing it in an unlikely setting.
  • Speaking of which, no one ever gets caught or gets in legal trouble if they choose to do the nasty in public. In the rare event that they do get caught, it's almost always Played for Laughs.
  • Every hot chick will usually be totally nude at home and she'll keep the blinds up and windows open in her home and if she wears any clothes at home, it'll be either a string bikini or just her bra and panties. And if she does wear clothes, it will be only a shirt with panties - either a very small and tight t-shirt, or a button-down shirt that has one button, if any, buttoned.
  • Women never experience vaginismus (clenching of the pelvic floor muscles that makes penetration difficult or impossible, and painful) or dyspareunia (pain during sex), or even trouble lubricating. The only time a woman will ever experience pain during sex is if she's a virgin (see above), or if she's being raped.
    • Averted in The Lightbringer Series, where the protagonist can't consummate his marriage due to his fiancée's vaginismus. The author had to include an afterword explaining the condition after his beta readers - which included some women - thought he was making it up.
  • Elderly people (women in particular) always lose interest in sex. In actuality, many people can and do have healthy and active sex lives well into their old age. note  But because this is considered Fan Disservice to most, you'll almost never see or hear of older people getting it on in fiction. (In the rare event that you do, it's Played for Laughs or Nausea Fuel.)
    • Famously averted in The Golden Girls, where the main characters—four women over 50—are portrayed as sexually active, with Blanche in particular being defined by her promiscuity.
  • Men don't require a refractory period or a very long refractory period, and neither do women unless the situation is being Played for Laughs. And if a man falls asleep after sex, it means he doesn't really love or care about his partner, who almost invariably wants to stay up and talk or cuddle. (In actuality, it's just a side effect of elevated oxytocin levels from the sex.)
  • Women can get sex easily; men have to prove themselves to a potential partner. (Needless to say, real life doesn't always work that way.)
  • There's no such thing as asexuality. That, or all women are asexual, while all men are horny 24/7 and will screw practically anything with a pulse (which is the reason why women can get sex easily while men have to prove themselves).
    • Also, all people who are asexual literally never have sex, ever, not even with their romantic partners (In reality, while asexual people do not feel sexual attraction, they may still have sex for reasons of romance or reproduction, and can often still derive physical pleasure from it).
  • There's No Pregger Sex. In actuality, most women can have sex all through pregnancy.
  • While the good guys prefer either "vanilla" sex or Casual Kink at most, Villains are incapable of either; they always prefer the rough stuff mentioned below, even with a consensual partner.
  • The Law of Inverse Fertility is in effect: couples who are actively trying for a baby will have difficulty. Couples who are not actively trying for a baby will conceive easily, even if they're using protection.
  • When single men and single women get together and play either cards or a board game, they'll always play the "strip" version of said game.
  • If the woman is having her period, sex will not happen. In Real Life, period sex is (usually) quite doable, and can be beneficial (i.e. can help alleviate cramps), although some might find it off-putting.
  • Women are always shaved or waxed "down there," and their labia minora (the "lips") are always short, symmetrical, and pale pink, and never crinkly. In Real Life, every set is different, and not all women choose to shave or wax, or even trim their pubic hair.
  • When a woman hits the shower, a man will join her in less than 10 seconds. And there is always enough room for two people to engage in sex, even with the shower screen closed.
  • The main reason why anyone visits a day spa is to get a Happy-Ending Massage. If they don't, then the following hijinks will ensue:
    • If a man goes to a spa, then he's sure to get an irresistibly-attractive masseuse, and she will gleefully offer him sex that is nigh-impossible to turn down (unless he's in a Seduction-Proof Marriage).
    • If a woman goes to a spa, even if she goes there without any desire for sex, then the mere act of being touched by his hands will make her uncontrollably horny. She'll then have the masseur get naked and she'll be all over him.
  • Seduction Proof Marriages are freakishly rare; almost every married person is immediately tempted by the first attractive person to show interest in them. Probably because in most fiction (especially sitcoms), married couples stop having sex at some point, or at least stop enjoying sex with their spouse. (In Real Life, married couples have more sex overall than couples who are unmarried, and definitely more than singles do.)
  • Male personal fitness trainers and instructors in anything are gigolos, and when a woman signs up to take lessons, she's paying him for sex, whether she's aware of it or not. Invariably, the actual lessons are really foreplay.
    • Lampshaded in Jessica Jones (2015). Trish has sex with her trainer then decides afterwards not to keep seeing him; he simply shrugs and says, "Sleep with a client, lose a client." This clearly wasn't the first time it happened.
  • When a hot chick takes up swimming as part of her workout, she'll only swim at night and she'll be naked while swimming laps. The only times when she'll wear her bikini is during the daytime when she's washing her car or while sunbathing in her yard or hanging out at the beach or neighborhood pool and if it's legal, she'll go topless.
  • Cougar class: When a virginal teenage boy asks a sexually experienced MILF if she would want to have sex with him, rather than fight off his advances, she will become a sexual mentor and make a man out of him in her bed. In bed, the cougar will then teach the young man kissing and caressing techniques, how to French kiss, how to unhook a bra, foreplay, and sexual positions as well as how to stimulate a woman's body, perform cunnilingus and give multiple mind-blowing orgasms. The MILF will then unleash him on the girls his own age.
  • Very rarely do sexually active teenage girls and women wear white bras and panties. Usually, their bras and panties are black. A woman or a teenage girl will almost always wear a Black Bra and Panties in preparation for the sexual encounters that will come her way.
  • Every heterosexual and bisexual woman will always and without exception check out the butt and bulge of every attractive male age 16 and older who's within her line of vision, whenever he's standing in front of or walking past her.
  • All female flight attendants without exception, have a guy-in-every-port sex lives. They regularly hook up with both pilots and passengers, always have one night stands during layovers and every airline stewardess is a member of the Mile-High Club.
  • No one is ever on any medications (such as antidepressants or blood-pressure medications) that put a damper on anyone's mood or ability to have or enjoy sex. Similarly, no one ever seems to have any medical conditions in the first place that would or might put a damper on anyone's mood or ability to have or enjoy sex, such as depression or diabetes.
  • Service personnel that come to the house (plumbers, maids, poolboys, electricians, cable techs, exterminators, etc.) can be paid in sex.
  • Virginity almost always makes a female character considered to be more "valuable," and/or grants her some type of special power or status. Male virgins either do not exist or are ridiculed for their virgin status. Occasionally, particularly in more modern works, a virginal female character might be considered a prude or ridiculed, but that's relatively rare.
  • A "good" character (particularly if female) will either be a virgin or (if not virginal) at least chaste and will likely cover up more. A bad character (or an anti-hero) might be more promiscuous and/or wear skimpier clothing.
  • In addition to his duties of greeting and interacting with guests to determine what their needs are and fetching towels, snacks, and drinks for them, a cabana boy is also a gigolo who provides sexual services to the female guests. In fact, that's one of the reasons why women visit these resorts.
  • If a guy has a swimmer's build and he doesn't have a whole lot of hair on his chest, a hot chick will readily admit that she likes seeing him in a thong like Kathy does in this scene in Summer Job.
  • During their foreplay, straight couples never French kiss, even after their clothes come off.
  • Regardless of what angle they approach from, or the location or circumstances of the lovemaking, men are magically able to engage without having to so much as look to make sure they're poking the correct orifice. And, unless the scene is being Played for Laughs, they never get it wrong.
  • When a newsbabe's assigned the sports beat and goes into the men's locker room to conduct post-game interviews with football and soccer players, sometimes after doing the interviews, she'll have a gangbang with the players.
  • The relationship can't be discussed before the sex. If one partner wants romance out of it while the other only wants a one-night stand, it can't be known until the emotional damage is already done to the former.
  • This Cracked video has a few, like how a lot of couples in movies seem to be so into it that they don't care that they're shoving pricey and possibly irreplaceable items to the floor when having sex over say, a desk or a table.
  • You rarely ever see onscreen sex depicted in any position outside of missionary, as this position is the easiest to convey onscreen that intercourse is happening without showing any naughty bits. Doggystyle is the #2 choice for this.
  • In Japan, female news anchors and reporters often have sex on the air during their newscasts and segments. Japanese-American female anchors and reporters have imported this custom, as demonstrated by Tricia Takanawa on Family Guy.
  • "Jackhammering" ensures that both partners receive maximum pleasure and have an orgasm. In actuality, it's an excellent way to hurt your partner and yourself.
  • Couples in love not only have an orgasm every time but have an orgasm at exactly the same time every time. In actuality, even perfect soulmates aren't always perfectly in sync...and sometimes even under the best conditions, The Big O just isn't going to happen. It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't love you, or even necessarily that you fail at sex.
  • Sex Equals Love: Having sex with someone will permanently bond you emotionally to that person, even if you've never met them before. Needless to say, it doesn't always work this way in real life. (Not to mention, it carries some pretty Unfortunate Implications where rape victims are concerned.)
  • Every woman who wears revealing clothing does so to indicate to men that she is promiscuous and available. No woman ever dresses this way simply because she likes the way it looks, or because it's a hot day and she's wearing that outfit to help stay cool.
  • Surprise arousal. In erotic fiction (written by men), a woman often won't know how aroused she is until she touches herself and is "bemused" when she realizes she's wet. This makes as much sense as a man not knowing he has a boner until he looks down. Women are fully aware of when they're turned on.
  • Vaginal wetness and arousal are one and the same, and if a woman doesn't get wet enough to allow for comfortable penetration it means that her lover is failing to turn her on. In reality, there are many reasons why a woman might not get particularly wet: age, certain medical conditions and medications, low estrogen levels shortly after a period or while breastfeeding or simply the way her body works (similar to how some men make a lot of precum and others almost none). Conversely, vaginal wetness can be due to reasons other than arousal, such as vaginal discharge and cervical mucus.
  • Nurses and doctors (especially the former) can provide Intimate Healing to their patients. (And without finding themselves out of a job, or being hauled before the ethics board, or losing their license, or getting sick themselves, or causing any kind of harm to their patients.) Also, instead of wearing boxy scrubs, nurses wear skimpy dresses on the job even though the "classic" nurse uniform hasn't been worn since at least the early 90's.
  • Sex causes permanent physiological changes to women who have it. Completely aside from the issue of the hymen:
    • The inner labia become "stretched out" by sex, and a woman who is claiming to be a virgin but has visible labia minora is a lying liar who lies. (The length, color, or shape of the labia has nothing to do with how much sex or how many partners their owner has had. Speaking factually, it is more common in adult women for the inner labia to stick out from between the outer ones. In general, none of this can be altered without plastic surgery.)
    • The vaginal cavity losing its elasticity from overuse. This judged purely based on how many sex partners a woman's had and not how often she actually has sex. The idea that we can compare Alice, who married her High School Sweetheart at 18 and by age 25 has had sex with him (and only him) hundreds of times, with Brandy, her single friend who has had sex 50 times in that same seven-year period but with varying individuals, and claim that Brandy is more "used" than Alice, is Insane Troll Logic at best.
    • Speaking of the above: vaginal delivery in childbirth must "loosen" the vagina. This only happens if there was tearing that wasn't stitched afterwards, which is generally not an issue in modern times if the mother gave birth in a hospital or was at least tended to by medical professionals.
  • Pizza Boy Special Delivery: Male contractors are also gigolos who provide sexual services to their female clientele in addition to doing the job they were actually hired to do.
  • When a woman gets undressed to have sex, she does so in front of a window and doesn't close her blinds or curtains.

    Everything I know about BDSM, I learned from Comic Books and Fan Fiction 
  • BDSM practitioners are all the same in interests and preferences. If you like it at all, you must be into everything that might be categorized as BDSM. There is no such thing as individual tastes or preferences, not even the rather straightforward Sub (likes to be tied up) vs Dom (likes to do the tying). Either you are into BDSM or you are not: There are only two kinds of people: Vanilla and BDSM.
  • Communication is totally unnecessary. Fictional dominants seem to know their submissives' needs and limits better than the submissives themselves. So why waste time checking if the sub has any relevant medical conditions, phobias, or physical quirks, let alone preferences? Right? Of course right.
  • Related to the above, having a Safe Word might as well be redundant. If you do use one, you can safely assume it to be foolproof. Surely a person could never be too proud, scared, high on endorphines, or whatever to use one when they need it, right? So just keep running full throttle; as long as you don't hear a Safe Word, nothing could possibly be wrong.
  • Bondage is not only cool but so cool that gravity itself defers to it. Go ahead, tie your sub just like the one in the comic book - leaning forward, with the only rope supporting them also pulling forward. Surely they won't fall?
  • On a related note, blood circulation seems to be optional. A person's body weight can easily rest on a thin rope that pulls the body in a really awkward position. Don't bother studying real shibari before trying suspension bondage, it's not like fan fic writers do.
  • If Bob is a bad person because he's into BDSM, then just why is it bad to be into BDSM? Well, obviously because a person like Bob is into it. We already know that he's a bad person, right? That's all we need to establish a Designated Villain... abusively so.
  • Whether one is a dominant or a submissive is 100% fixed and completely rigid. Switchable persons, in the world of Idealized Sex, are given the same treatment as bisexuals. Whilst in Real Life some practitioners of BDSM do have an exclusive preference for one role alone, this isn't true for all of them.
  • A true masochist enjoys all kinds of pain, and will eventually be happy to submit to anyone who is brutal enough. Surely a suddenly sprained wrist must feel orgasmic? Best way to start a healthy kinky relationship? Well, just force the kinky stuff on a complete stranger. If you can keep him from running away, you can add the relationship part, and upgrade to healthy later. Building trust and earning confidence is the easiest part, right? (Naturally, this works just fine for Vanilla romances as well!)
  • Related to the above, all BDSM must involve pain: whipping, spanking, hot wax, and the like. In reality, not every sub is into being beaten nor is every dom into inflicting pain. There's a multitude of non-painful BDSM activities: edging (bringing your partner to the edge of orgasm and prolonging it as long as possible), tickling, nipple play, ice, electro, and so on. In the media, however, bondage only means bullwhips and paddles.
  • If a male is a Dominant, he is always dashingly handsome, ridiculously wealthy, vaguely in his 30's, and does BDSM with his coworkers or employees.
  • If a character is into BDSM or other kink/fetish stuff, it's the most important thing about that character.

    Everything I know about fetishism, I learned from pornography and the plot-twist of detective stories. 
  • Fetishism is the same thing as BDSM — if you are turned on by leather, rubber, or high-heeled shoes, you are automatically into whipping as well. And vice versa. There's no such thing as Casual Kink.
  • If someone has a fetish, their entire life automatically revolves around it. Or better yet, their fetish is their life and entire identity. They exist only to be some alien object for others to stare at in one way or another.
  • If a person wears clothes in materials associated with fetishism, this person is either evil or only a sexual object without any relevant personality of her own.
  • On the other hand, fetishists who play with shoes or whatever (rather than wearing outfits) are automatically incapable of being evil or competent in anything malicious. Their lot in life is to be a Red Herring for cops and others to stumble over.
  • If you have a fetish, it must be incorporated every time you have sex. There's no such thing as a quickie.
  • Love & sex fiction and urban legends quote a list (too long to be posted entirely) of objects and foodstuffs which are supposed to turn oral sex into a breathtaking earth-shaking spine-trembling experience: mint (in Britain, Altoid Mints, in other places creme de menthe liqueur), cognac, ice cubes, tea, ice cubes and warm tea, ice cubes plus cream and warm tea, ice cream...

    Nobody ever cared to explain how these are supposed to work note  and even people goaded to try after reading about them reported nothing extraordinary. They stem from the Steam Age stories of High Class Call Girls and attempts from the ordinary public to find a reason why they were so desired by men of wealth and power in their time.
  • If a man likes or expresses interest in any form of anal play, it means he's secretly gay or bisexual. (In actuality, plenty of straight guys like butt-play as well...and plenty of gay/bi guys don't.)
  • If someone has a fetish they have absolutely no standards. They will be attracted to anyone who wears, has, or does whatever their fetish is. For example, if someone has a foot fetish they will pursue any type of feet regardless of gender, the person's overall appearance, or the appearance/condition of their feet, as if fetishists don't have their own preferences just like everyone else.
  • If a character has a fetish, not only will it be their defining trait (as mentioned further above), they have no boundaries or sense of appropriateness. They wear bondage gear to the supermarket, do "scenes" in public regardless of who might be watching, and discuss their fetish as casually with people they've just met as if they were talking about the weather.
  • If a character has a fetish or kink, they aren't interested in a long-term relationship, only sex.
  • "Birds of a feather flock together." If a character has plot-relevant knowledge of a sexual fetish, it can only mean they have that fetish. Heaven forbid they might just be knowledgeable and accepting of different sexualities.

    Everything I know about same-gendered sex, I learned from slash fiction, manga, and pornography (gay and straight) 
  • For LGBT people in the world of Idealized Sex, everything on the above lists might also apply.
  • Don't expect anyone to discuss their sexuality beforehand. Whether they're Victorian housewives, cowboys from the 1960's, or a modern pair who meet in the wild, they will immediately get it on without ever establishing that they find the same gender attractive. Incompatible Orientation may exist as a source of temporary angst, but the hero will always strike jackpot with the main love interest.
  • In some settings, a person is either "normal" or "deviant". It's all or nothing. Thus, every homosexual is also a sadomasochist and fetishist. Hopefully it stops there.
  • In other settings, each character can have exactly one trait that deviates from the mainstream. Thus, it's not possible to be both gay and into BDSM. Or to be gay and Muslim. When being female is such a trait, it's also impossible to be a lesbian.
  • Conversion is easy! Whether you're gay or straight, all it takes to jump borders is some mind-blowing sex from the "right" one on that side. Whether you want it or not.
  • All same-sex couples have a dominant aggressive one on the giving end attempting to seduce the passive, submissive receiver. In other words, one is the "man" and one is the "woman." Male couples always have one Manly Gay Seme and one twinkish Uke. Female couples always have one Butch Lesbian and one Lipstick Lesbian.
  • All gay and bi men enjoy anal sex and do it every time they're intimate. According to most fiction, the only way two men can have sex is anal penetration. In real life, it requires a lot of preparation on the part of both partners, so queer men might not always be up for it every single time they're horny. For a quick roll in the hay, they might do oral, mutual masturbation, and/or other acts generally considered foreplay. But in fiction, there's never foreplay. At most, they'll lovingly make out then dive straight into the buttsex.
  • There is either no such thing as versatility, or the couple is equally reversible with them easily swapping all the time and both partners being 100% comfortable in whatever position. There's also no such thing as one partner being uncomfortable giving whatever kind of oral sex (forget the idea of masturbatory aids all together!).
  • Scissoring is the only thing lesbians can do.
  • A bottom's anus is a discount vagina, essentially. It even self-lubricates! A really egregious example of this trope will even have a hymen (the Hollywood "barrier" version) back there! And since it's roughly located in the same vicinity as a vagina, gay couples have zero problem getting into popular male/female sexual positions.
  • If somebody is bisexual (assuming they exist), they are equally attracted to both sexes; it is impossible to be more attracted to one than the other. For instance, a real-life bisexual might enjoy sex with men and women, while preferring romantic relationships with men. Fiction assumes bisexuals have no preferences or standards at all. Being attracted to both sexes means you can't have a type and will just sleep with anyone at all.
  • Lesbians always have long, well-manicured fingernails. Hopefully, the problems with this are self-evident.note 
    • A similar problem occurs with some Camp Gay characters.
  • Then there's the other extreme where two women can only have sex using their fingers or other masturbatory aids, or the implication that two women don't have "real" sex if there's no penetration involved.
  • If a character is "just experimenting", their partner will always understand, and in fact, will often be "just experimenting" themselves, even without talking about it beforehand (which almost never occurs in fiction anyway). Everyone's just automatically on the same page and nobody feels jilted because they developed romantic feelings for their partner, who inevitably decides that it really was "just a phase," or "just the alcohol talking" and they're really straight after all.
  • A man can become pregnant as easily as a woman can, with no explanation. (Not even "A Wizard Did It!")
  • Since Girl on Girl Is Hot, it's not considered cheating if Alice sleeps with Carol while in a relationship with Bob that isn't explicitly stated as an open relationship. Even if Bob would fly into a jealous rage if Alice so much as looked at another guy. Curiously, even in settings where Guy on Guy Is Hot, two men doing it (where one or both of them are involved with a member of the opposite sex) would be considered cheating, unless it wasn't consensual. (And sometimes, even then.)
  • When two girls do it, it doesn't really "count," since there is no penis involved...and also Girl on Girl Is Hot. So Alice can have all the lesbian sex she wants and still be considered a virgin, and not lose Virgin Power, or the privilege of being on the "Madonna" side of the Madonna-Whore Complex spectrum. Also, if a woman engages in sexual contact with another woman without her consent, it doesn't count as rape, and does not leave the victim Defiled Forever or traumatized.
  • When a guy sees two hot chicks having lesbian sex, they will ask him to join them for a threesome.
  • When a hot chick catches two hot bisexual guys performing fellatio on each other, she will immediately take her clothes off and invite herself to join them for a two-guys and one-girl threesome.
  • There's no such thing as bisexuality or pansexuality.
    • If a man has a sexual encounter with another man, he is gay and only gay. Not bi, not experimenting, just pure homosexual. If he dates/marries a woman afterwards, she's The Beard and as soon as she's not looking, he's browsing Grindr on the down-low.
    • If a woman has a sexual encounter with another woman, she's a straight girl who's either having meaningless experimentation or is just calling herself bi to attract men.
    • If a character is identified as bi, their encounters with the same gender will never be more than sexual. Their romantic relationships will always be with someone of the opposite gender.
    • Or, especially where women are concerned, the person who identifies as "bi" is really just "confused," or "going through a phase," and their next relationship will be them finally getting their shit together and "picking a side." They will often settle with a partner of the same sex due to the idea that "once gay, always gay", essentially treating any sign of same-sex attraction as a Chekhov's Gun pointing towards full homosexuality.
  • Since Most Writers Are Male, when two women do it, it's Fanservice. When two men do it, it's Fan Disservice, and (in some settings) may cross the Moral Event Horizon.
    • Sadly enforced in real life. Many swinger clubs will actively encourage sexual activity between the women of the group while forbidding men from the exact same thing.
  • MMF bisexual threesomes regularly occur in coed saunas, steam rooms, locker rooms and gang showers at health clubs.
  • When a hot chick is caught pleasuring herself by another hot chick, the two of them will immediately have lesbian sex.
  • Hotel bellboys and valets are rent boys who offer their sexual services to male guests. They also service female guests, as shown in Oxford Blues, when Las Vegas Lady (Gail Strickland) pays Nick De Angelo (Rob Lowe) the next morning after they have sex.
  • Bisexual guys like performing cunnilingus more than their straight counterparts do.
  • Transgender and intersex people don't exist, unless it's part of a "joke," or an Unsettling Gender-Reveal.
  • Only lesbians French kiss.
  • There's no gay culture. Only gay bars and bathhouses.
  • Since Girl on Girl Is Hot, every MFF threesome will have the girls act on each other as well as the man, but in a MMF one the men will never do so, instead focusing completely on the woman.
  • Any time a gay person has a large build or is just really tall, they'll always seek out someone smaller to dominate (consensually or otherwise). Fiction never considers that a large person might be more attracted to someone their own size or that they could be sexually submissive themselves. We must have hetero parallels, dammit!
    • Oddly enough, the inverse is almost as popular. Any time a real-life gay male couple has a major height difference, everyone will make a joke about the shorter guy being the top.
  • If a black man has penetrative sex with a man of a different race, he will always be the top. If an Asian man does it, he will always be the bottom. Heaven forbid the black guy may want to bottom for the Asian. And since Most Writers Are White, and black and Asian men are often fetishized when they appear in fiction, you're far more likely to see them in interracial sex scenes than with someone of their own race (where someone would have to take the opposite role).
  • Bisexual or pansexual characters are always up for threesomes and poly relationships. Or, they're only interested in sex, and don't even learn their partners' names, or stay for breakfast, much less get into a serious relationship. In actuality, most bi and pan people are just as likely as anyone else to prefer monogamy and pursue romantic relationships.
  • Sexual orientation is determined exclusively by orifice. If a man likes to have anal sex with a woman, he is gay, because "liking anal sex with women" means you must be attracted to men. (And god forbid he procure a strap-on and request his female partner penetrate him.)
  • Gays and lesbians (mainly the latter) are usually the only people who play naked Twister.

For other ways, things can go unnaturally smooth, compare and contrast Common Mary Sue Traits. While such traits are a way to function socially and Idealized Sex is a way to function sexually, they are both unrealistic in the same basic way. (Not to mention that those people tend to try their damn hardest to serve as fanservice anyways...)