Website / Chuck Norris Facts

Barney Ross: I heard another rumor. That you were bitten by a king cobra.
Booker: Yeah, I was. But after five days of agonizing pain... the cobra died.

— The Expendables 2

The first well-known Memetic Badass site, which makes up tall tales about the actor Chuck Norris, especially based on clips from the series Walker, Texas Ranger. The site is a spin-off of the Vin Diesel Facts site, which focused as much on bizarre and improbable facts about its target actor as badassery. Both trace their lineage to the "Bill Brasky" sketches on Saturday Night Live in which four men would take turns relating facts and anecdotes about their cartoonishly larger-than-life friend Bill Brasky.

The site has been noted elsewhere, such as on The Daily Show and Channel Awesome. It's influenced the long-running "The Most Interesting Man in the World" ad campaign for Dos Equis beer. Chuck Norris himself has taken the site with good humor and seems to enjoy the extra media attention.

Click here for the website.

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Chuck Norris provides examples of:

• Always Someone Better:
  • Why does Chuck Norris have a beard? Because his chin was less manly than Bruce Campbell's.
  • Bruce Lee defeated Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon - and Chuck has claimed that Bruce could have defeated him in real life as well.
  • One popular meme reveals that only 1 person has made Chuck Norris afraid. And that person was...Betty White.
• Anti-Humor: "Cropped Norris Jokes", which take out half the joke, resulting in them turning into Trivially Obvious statements or complete nonsense.
• An Arm and a Leg: Chuck Norris lost both legs in a car accident but was still able to Walk It Off. When listing this fact in his book, Chuck admits that it may come across as insensitive to actual limb amputation victims.
• Another Dimension: Chuck Norris once gave a roundhouse kick to Mr. T's chin at the exact moment Mr. T punched Chuck Norris in the face. The resulting implosion created an alternate dimension where Mr. T gives people roundhouse kicks to the face and Chuck Norris pities fools.
• Ascended Meme: The real Chuck is well aware of the jokes, and finds them hilarious.
  • Chuck Norris has published The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book: 101 of Chuck's Favorite Facts and Stories, which lists 101 facts and adds anecdotes from Chuck's Real Life relating to those facts.
  • One of the Chuck Norris facts (specifically, the one where a snake died after biting him) is mentioned in The Expendables 2.
• Asskicking Leads to Leadership: America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktatorship.
• Atop a Mountain of Corpses: Brokeback Mountain is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
• Award Snub: Justified. Chuck Norris never won an Academy Award for acting in any of his action movies - because he's not acting.
• Awesomeness Is Volatile: When Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar, the place exploded due to not being able to contain that much awesomeness.
• Badass Biker: Chuck Norris can ride a motor without the cycle.
• Badass Bookworm: Chuck Norris knows every word in the dictionary except for "mercy."
• Beat Still, My Heart: On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. (Being the romantic type, Chuck believes every day should be Valentine's Day.)
• Beyond the Impossible:
  • Chuck Norris expected The Spanish Inquisition, which says something about his abilities. For other examples, see the other tropes. The nutshell is "It's only impossible until Chuck Norris tries."
  • He also found the end of a rainbow. At night.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you to death with a cordless phone.
• Big Eater: Chuck Norris eats three 16-oz. steaks for every meal. Sometimes he forgets to kill the cow first.
• Big Fancy House: Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
• Blasphemous Boast:
  The Three Wise Men stepped forward to approach the manger containing the baby Jesus. The first Wise Man, Caspar, offered Jesus a gift of gold; the second Wise Man, Melchior, offered Jesus a gift of frankincense; and the third Wise Man, Balthasar, offered Jesus a gift of myrrh.
  Then Chuck Norris stepped forward, and he gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which Jesus would carry with him all the days of his life. The three Wise Men were so outraged by the preference given to his gift over theirs that they conspired to have Chuck written out of The Bible. All three were later found to have died of mysterious roundhouse-kick-related injuries.
• Blazing Inferno Hellfire Sauce:
  • Chuck Norris invented napalm as a cure for heartburn.
  • Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce for eye drops.
• Born Lucky: Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a staircase on Friday the 13th. The next morning he won the lottery.
• Charles Atlas Superpower: When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
• Check and Mate: Chuckmate! You lose!
• Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys:
  • When an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris, just to be on the safe side.
  • Remember the Soviet Union? They disbanded after watching a Delta Force marathon on satellite TV.
• Cure for Cancer: Chuck Norris' tears. Too bad he never cries.
• Deal with the Devil: Chuck Norris once made a deal with the Devil to receive some of his best attributes in exchange for his soul. He then roundhouse-kicked the Devil in the face and took his soul back. The Devil admitted that he should have seen it coming, accepted his defeat gracefully, and now plays poker with Chuck once a week.
• Determinator: Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: Chuck Norris did and Cthulhu died.
• The Dreaded: Even The Grim Reaper and the Bogeyman are afraid of him!
  "Chuck Norris died 20 years ago; Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet."
  "When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."
• Dude, Not Funny!: Invoked Trope in his book, where he mentions that some of the facts are "inappropriate" and specifically notes the example listed under An Arm and a Leg as potentially offending actual military veterans disabled by war wounds. He's also not a fan of the facts which are Blasphemous Boasts.
• Elvis Impersonator: Inverted. Elvis never lived. He was just another manifestation of Chuck Norris.
• The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: Chuck Norris is right behind you.
• Frivolous Lawsuit: Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law" and "Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs/fists.
• Final Battle: Subverted. One time Chuck Norris invited all of TV's badasses to an all-out brawl-for-all to determine who was the supreme badass. Unfortunately, only two of them dared showed up: MacGyver and Jack Bauer. And when they saw who the competition was, they scampered.
• Finger Gun: Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"
• Gag Penis: A variant. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by five. There are, however, many jokes which do involve his penis.
  • Chuck Norris is responsible for the invention of the "yard", as it was easier than saying, "Hi, my name is Chuck Norris, and my dick is three feet long".
  • He also once walked down a street with an erection. There were no survivors.
• God: In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothingness in the face and said, "Get a job." That is the origin of the universe.
  • When God said: "Let there be light", Chuck Norris answered: "Say "please"."
• God-Mode Sue:
  • The whole site invokes this In-Universe as a parody.
  • In his appearance on M.U.G.E.N, he is quite literally invincible — nothing short of a character that uses a registry modifier to make him automatically lose will kill him.
• Goo-Goo-Godlike: Chuck Norris delivered himself and afterwards drove his mother home.
  • When Chuck Norris was born, the only one who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
• Green Aesop: Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
• The Grim Reaper: Chuck Norris portrayed Death in Final Destination. That's why everytime someone cheats Death, they're dead. Because nobody cheats Chuck Norris and lives.
• Ground Punch: There were no nuclear bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
• Hoist by His Own Petard: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra. After five days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.
• Hollywood Evolution: There is no evolution — it's just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Chuck Norris himself used this fact to explain his own creationist views.
• Hollywood Heart Attack: Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't foolish enough to attack him.
• Hurl It into the Sun:
  • Once per year Chuck Norris selects one lucky kid to be thrown into the sun.
  • In M.U.G.E.N, he does the opposite- he drops the sun on you for a One-Hit Kill.
  • In his appearance in DEATH BATTLE!, this actually happens to Chuck courtesy of Segata Sanshiro (Whom is widely considered to be the one man who can match him). He comes out just fine, however.
• Idealized Sex: When Chuck Norris has sex, he is always on top. Chuck Norris never fucks up.
• I Don't Like the Sound of That Place: Downplayed. There used to be a bridge named after Chuck Norris. Although it didn't really sound bad, it still had to be renamed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
• Immune to Bullets:
  • If Chuck Norris gets shot today, tomorrow will be the bullet's funeral.
  • Chuck Norris blocks bullets with his beard. Abraham Lincoln prefers instead to catch them with his skull.
• In Spite of a Nail: Chuck travelled back in time and saved John F Kennedy by catching all the bullets with his beard. JFK was so surprised, his head exploded.
• Intimidating Revenue Service: Inverted. On tax day, Chuck Norris sends the IRS blank forms and includes a photo of himself crouched down and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. Ever.
• Lamarck Was Right: Chuck Norris fathered the Greatest Generation. That's why they were so tough.
• Lantern Jaw of Justice/Multi-Armed and Dangerous: There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• Light 'em Up: Chuck Norris can cast Patronus. His Patronus' form? Neville Longbottom.
• Logic Bomb:
  • Chuck Norris doesn't divide by zero — Zero divides by Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris has counted to infinity thrice. The last time he did it backwards.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • Chuck Norris holds all records in the Guinness Book (with those mentioned in the articles being the runners-up) — meaning, among other things, that he is simultaneously the world's tallest and shortest man (and woman).
  • For some men, one testicle is larger than the other. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the others.
  • He's also found the square root of the color yellow.
  • He also knows the last numeral of pi.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't move a muscle to go places. The universe moves for him.
  • He takes 20 minutes to pass one hour.
  • If it were possible for Chuck Norris to fight himself, he would win. Period.
• Made of Iron: When Chuck Norris wants to shave, he gives himself a roundhouse kick to the face — because only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris.
• Manly Facial Hair: As a symbol of masculinity, Chuck's beard is referenced by many Chuck Norris facts.
• Memetic Badass: The whole purpose of the site is to make jokes about how Chuck Norris is badass.
• Moonwalk Dance: Chuck Norris invented the Moonwalk, and it went forward. When Michael Jackson used a backward version in one of his performances, Chuck threatened to roundhouse kick him off the stage if he tried it again. Michael got so scared, he turned white.
• More Dakka: Chuck Norris can fire five machine guns at the same time - one in each hand, one in each foot, and he roundhouse kicks the fifth into the air so it sprays bullets in all directions.
• Morton's Fork: If you can see Chuck Norris, then he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, then you may be only seconds away from death.
• Mother of a Thousand Young: Gender-inverted. Chuck Norris is single-handedly responsible for the overpopulation of China. He attended a martial arts tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles spontaneously became pregnant.
• Must Have Caffeine: Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.
• My Own Grampa: It is an accepted impossibility for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The current scientific consensus is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
• Near-Death Experience: Inverted. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
• Ninja: All ninjas want to grow up to be like Chuck Norris, but most grow up only to be killed by Chuck Norris.
• Nothing Is Scarier: Defied. When Chuck Norris learned that nothing can kill him, he tracked down nothing and killed it.
• "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: Chuck Norris sang the theme song to Walker, Texas Ranger. This is not a joke. He actually fucking sang it.
• Omniglot: Spoofed in one entry, which states "Chuck Norris can speak Russian... in Chinese."
• Once Killed a Man with a Noodle Implement:
  • In an average room, there are 1,217 objects that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • One day, Chuck Norris plucked a hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
• One-Man Army:
  • Plenty of jokes are about how Chuck can take on armies without breaking a sweat.
  • When Chuck Norris first visited Iraq in 2006-2007, a Real Life American soldier was filmed holding a sign that read, "The War Is Over - Chuck Norris Is Here" - Chuck Norris mentions this man and the sign^Note He misquotes the sign as reading, "Chuck Norris is here! We can go home now!" in The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book, with the comment, "I wish that were true."
• Painting the Medium: One Chuck Norris fact is written in upside-down letters, saying that Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked this fact.
• Pillow Pistol: Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
• [Popular Saying], But...:
  • When the going gets tough, the tough get Chuck Norris.
  • The Pen Is Mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
• Portmanteau: Someone once made a videotape of Chuck Norris getting pissed off. The title? Walker: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
• Power Source: A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, if tapped, could provide enough electrical energy to power all of New York City for 45 minutes.
• Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: Ask Chuck Norris what time it is and he'll always say "Two seconds 'til." When you ask "Two seconds 'til what?", he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• The Problem with Fighting Death: Averted. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He defeats it fair and square.
• Product Placement:
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  • Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lays potato chip.
  • Chuck Norris CAN see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
  • Chuck Norris CAN hear you now.
  • The new ad campaign for Era detergent uses Chuck Norris Facts, labeling the detergent as "Chuck Norris approved."
  • The memetic Chuck Norris appears in a World of Warcraft commercial as a Hunter (except he doesn't hunt because the word "hunt" implies the possibility of failure). He spends the entire commercial hanging out with a tiger and roundhouse-kicking everything in sight. The only reason there are 10 million WOW players is because he allows them to live.
  • Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.
• Reading Your Rights: When the police stop Chuck Norris, they say "We have the right to remain silent."
• Reality Warper: Chucktanium, a substance found in Chuck Norris' legs, allows him to warp reality whenever he kicks someone.
• Refuge in Audacity: It would not be unreasonable to assume the site is not meant to be taken seriously.
• Roundhouse Kick: Many jokes make it one of Norris' most almighty moves.
• Rule of Cool: Basically, every joke is either Rule of Cool or Rule of Funny.
• Rushmore Refacement: Subverted. They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for his beard.
• Russian Reversal:
  • In Soviet Russia, roundhouse kick Chuck Norrises you.
  • When Chuck Norris is bitten by a zombie, he doesn't turn into a zombie. The zombie turns into Chuck Norris, instead.
• Sentient Cosmic Force: Chuck Norris appears in every Star Wars media, from both Legends and canon. He is the Force itself.
• Shout-Out:
  • Chuck Norris shaves using Jason's machete, combs his hair using Freddy's glove, and flosses his teeth using Pinhead's chains.
  • Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
• Signature Move: Just try to count how many times Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks someone. By the time you finish, he'll have added at least a dozen to the tally.
• The Sleepless:
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris once ate many sleeping pills just to try to sleep. The pills only made him blink.
• Smoking Hot Sex: Parodied. Rather than having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
• Sociopathic Hero: Many of the Chuck Norris facts involve him giving people roundhouse kicks to the face for little if any reason.
• Spin Attack: The power of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is powerful enough to break the time-space barrier, knock out Amelia Earhart, and crash her plane, probably because the amount of energy released in one of his kicks is equivalent to the amount released in the Big Bang.
• Staring Down Cthulhu:
  • Chuck Norris stared evil in the eye, and it went into hiding.
  • Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with Medusa, and won.
• Stealing the Handicapped Spot: The handicapped sign does not indicate a parking space reserved for handicapped people. It indicates that the space is reserved for Chuck Norris, and if you park there, he will make you handicapped.
• Super-Senses: Chuck Norris can see John Cena when Muggles can't.
• Super-Speed:
  • Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
  • Chuck Norris once had a race against time. The result? Time is still running.
• Super-Strength: When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he isn't pushing himself up. He's pushing the Earth down. Chuck actually put together a video demonstrating this fact as a gift to a hospitalized boy.
• Swiss-Army Tears: Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
• Tank Goodness: Subverted. The Sherman tank was originally going to be called the Norris tank, but Chuck ordered them to change the name because he found the tank to be weak and fragile. The U.S. Army officially apologized and promised to run future projects by him before using his name again. To date, no military weapon has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
• Take That!:
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King — and they gave it to him! And they got it right!
  • Chuck Norris walked up to a Burger King at midnight and placed an order. When they told him (at the time) that they closed at ten, he roundhouse-kicked it so hard it became a Wendy's.
  • A Straw Feminist once invited Chuck Norris to her house and challenged him to a duel. Not even 5 minutes later, he left her house with a sandwich and his shirt ironed.
• Testosterone Poisoning: Many of the jokes are about how impossibly manly he is, like never crying, ever.
• There Are Two Kinds of People in the World:
  • People who suck, and Chuck Norris.
  • Alternately, women who want to have sex with Chuck Norris, and women who want to have sex with Chuck Norris again.
  • There are two kinds of bad guys, the ones who live, and the ones who meet Chuck Norris.
• The Three Certainties in Life: Nothing is certain in life except death, taxes, and a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
• Toilet Humor:
  • Chuck Norris doesn't have to flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
  • They wanted to make a Chuck Norris-brand toilet paper. It was rough, it was tough, and it would not take shit from anyone.
• Tongue Twister: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
• Touched by Vorlons: There are no steroids in baseball; only players that Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Top Ten List: Supposedly chosen by Chuck himself (at least a few were), and read by the man himself here.
• Unusual User Interface: Chuck Norris' computer keyboard does not have a Ctrl button. Chuck Norris is always in control.
• Walk into Mordor: One does not simply walk into Mordor, unless he's Chuck Norris.
• Walking Armory: Chuck Norris doesn't need a weapon. He is one.
• White Collar Worker: If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, do not ask him for his three-hole punch.
• Worthy Opponent: Mr. T and Segata Sanshiro.
• Wrong Restaurant: Orders Whoppers from McDonalds. He usually gets them, but when denied, he kicks the place so hard it becomes a Taco Bell.

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