MovieSeveral, many of them quite subtle and quiet, but notable ones are:
- At the beginning of the film, Hawkeye — after getting yelled at by an African American motor pool sergeant — whispers under his breath, "racist".
- After newly-arrived Major Houlihan gets her first taste of Hawkeye's personality:Houlihan: I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps?
Father Mulcahy: He was drafted.
- When Burns and Houlihan are getting it on in her tent, Radar puts a microphone under her cot, and so the rest of the camp gets to hear some... interesting things broadcast over the P.A. system.Houlihan: Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!note
Hawkeye: (listening) Dr. Frank Burns is doing a bit of dilatation and curettage.
- After Frank Burns attacks Hawkeye and gets hauled away in a straitjacket:Duke: Colonel, fair's fair. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?
- When Painless tells the others that he's been experiencing...performance issues and intends to commit suicide; everyone in his tent instantly starts throwing out suggestions.Hawkeye: Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you plan to do it? Uh, .45 between the eyes?
Trapper: Oh, that's awful sloppy.
Murrhardt: It's reliable, though.
- During the football game, a gun is fired to signify the end of the quarter.Houlihan: Oh my God! They shot him!!
- At the start of the film, a rather serious, lengthy, "hell-yes" quote about Korea from MacArthur scrolls past while Hawkeye emerges from the officers' latrine at the depot... and is quickly followed by a quote from Eisenhower, completely out of context, simply saying, "I will go to Korea."
- Henry heads off potential trouble from the higher-ups:Gen. Hammond: By the way, I have a report here, Henry, from your chief nurse, Major Houlihan. She makes some accusations, Henry, that I find very hard to believe.
Henry: Well, don't believe 'em, then. Thank you, General, good bye. (hangs up)
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- In "To Market, to Market", Hawkeye and Trapper promise Henry's new antique solid oak desk to black market dealer Charlie Lee in exchange for much-needed medical supplies - without consulting Henry first. In the episode's climax, Henry has discovered the theft and watches dumbfounded with Frank as a helicopter carries it away, and Hawkeye and Trapper join him:Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, uh... isn't that your desk?
Henry: [still not quite taking in what he is seeing] Yep. That's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry: I dunno what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up, up, up...
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place I'm sure.
- In "Chief Surgeon Who?":
- Frank gets uppity when Henry names Hawkeye chief surgeon:Frank: What? You can't do that! I won't stand for it!
Henry: Frank, if there's one thing that won't get you anywhere it's imitating my wife.
- Later on, Frank and Margaret get General Barker to come to the camp, hoping to get Hawkeye replaced by Frank as chief surgeon. Hawkeye proves that he is capable, first by delaying a surgery until the patient has been given some blood so that he won't die during the operation, then by spotting a perforation in the lung that everyone else missed by some telltale bubbles.Gen. Barker: I'm impressed.
Hawkeye: So am I!
- After Hawkeye proves that he might be a nut, but he's also a highly capable surgeon, General Barker admits that he does have what it takes to be Chief Surgeon. Henry points out that Frank won't let it go.Gen. Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
Col. Blake: Yes sir.
Gen. Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
Trapper: With full pack.
Gen. Barker: Good touch.
- Frank gets uppity when Henry names Hawkeye chief surgeon:
- "Yankee Doodle Doctor":
- Many of Hawkeye's one-liners, like this one used as a rebuttal to Frank's usual show of disgust.Frank Burns: Why you... you...!
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?
- Hawkeye and Trapper are so disgusted by the Manipulative Editing used in the film in the episode's title to make the war seem more romantic and heroic than it really is that they expose the reels to light and persuade Henry to let them re-shoot it from scratch. The results are, unsurprisingly, hilariously irreverent,note and Frank's earnest narration just provides the icing on the cake.
- After an introduction from General Clayton (which is overenthusiastically applauded by Henry, Frank, and Margaret), Hawkeye and Trapper's contribution begins, with assistance from Radar, Lt. Cutler, and various other nurses and corpsmen...[over an establishing shot of the camp]
Frank: [narrating] This is the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital somewhere in Korea. [the camera cuts to two nurses passing Hawkeye, Radar, and Trapper holding up a blanket with "MASH 4077th" written on it] Not a very attractive military post, mainly because the men of the 4077th have no time for anything but the vital work they do. [Hawkeye and Trapper drop the blanket to reveal they are not wearing trousers, while Radar is just wearing boxer shorts and boots; they strike various bodybuilder poses as the nurses roll their eyes, shake their heads, and walk off]
Hawkeye: [as the audience members roar with laughter while Cutler pinches Radar's cheek] Hey, Radar! Hey. Beautiful.
Henry: [to General Clayton, sheepishly] Just a little medical school humour, sir.
Clayton: [not buying it] Uh-huh.
- The film then switches to a Marx Brothers pastiche, with Hawkeye (as Groucho) sporting slicked back hair, glasses, a greasepaint moustache, and a prop cigar, while Trapper (as Harpo) wears a trenchcoat with Hammerspace pockets and a hat and carries a bicycle horn:Frank: [narrating over footage of two corpsmen carrying Radar out of the back of an ambulance on a stretcher] Men at the 4077th are on 24-hour duty, always ready to receive those GIs who need medical help.
[Hawkeye and Trapper exit the pre-op ward dressed and acting like Groucho and Harpo Marx, respectively]
Cutler: Doctor! Doctor! Can you give him a hand?
Hawkeye: I'd rather give you one.
Radar: Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
Hawkeye: I certainly am.
Trapper: [pulls a face and honks his bicycle horn as he moves his stethoscope up and down Radar's body]
Trapper: [in mess tent] Radar, you're terrific.
Hawkeye: [giggling] Just look at these guys!
Radar: Shh, shh.
Radar: [on screen] Gosh, I'm glad they brought me here.
Hawkeye: Wait a minute. Have you got a reservation?
Radar: A reservation!?
Hawkeye: I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Year's.
Trapper: [continues pulling faces and honking his bicycle horn as he moves his stethoscope around Radar's body]
Radar: But Doctor!...
Hawkeye: I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well. [Radar puts his hand to his cheek and gives the camera an exaggerated look of surprise as he is loaded back into the ambulance]
Clayton: [as the rest of the audience laughs] What the hell was that?
- The scene switches to OR, and the Marx Brothers homage continues...Frank: [narrating as Radar, now with a moustache drawn on his lip with eyebrow pencil, is carried into the OR on another stretcher] Brave men struggle in a makeshift operating room while the dogs of war bark at the very door.
Cutler: [running into the OR] Heads up, everybody! Yankee Doodle Doctor's coming! [Radar lifts his head and smiles] Lucky. [pinches Radar's cheek]
Trapper: [enters, honking his bicycle horn]
Hawkeye: [entering with Trapper] Nurse, is that patient prepared for surgery?
Cutler: Yes, Doctor.
Hawkeye: Well, I'm certainly glad one of us is.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn again]
Hawkeye: Tell me something. Did you take his pulse?
Cutler: Yes, Doctor.
Hawkeye: I told you to take his wallet. First things first.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn again]
Hawkeye: Let me have a scalpel. [Trapper undoes the belt of his trenchcoat and starts digging into the pockets] Don't get undressed. Just give me a scalpel. [Trapper hands him a rubber chicken] That's not a scalpel. [tosses it aside; Trapper hands him a rubber hammer] Well, that's not a scalpel. [tosses it aside; Trapper hands him a saw and whistles] Now, that's what I call a scalpel.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn]
Hawkeye: [to Radar as he puts the blunt side of the saw against his body] If this hurts, you'll be the first one to know.
Nurse: But, Doctor, what about the anaesthesia?
Hawkeye: No, thank you. I prefer to be awake through this. [Radar sits up on the table; Hawkeye turns to Trapper] Give him some anaesthesia. [Trapper hits Radar with a mallet, making a comedy "boing!" sound; Radar falls unconscious] Try not to laugh, you're unconscious. You'll be a better man for this, my friend. [starts "sawing"] We'll just spare the tree. [stops sawing] Well, that's enough of that. [tosses the saw aside] I think it's time to do some sewing.
Cutler: Sew what?
Hawkeye: That's what I say.
[audience laughter as Clayton grimaces; cut to later, Trapper and Cutler are pretending to sew Radar closed with some twine]
Cutler: Incision closed, stitches in place. You're finished, Doctor.
Hawkeye: Yes, but who are you to remind me? Tell me nurse, would you like to hop into the oxygen tent for a little heavy breathing? [audience laughter] Uh-oh. Wait a minute. [listens to Radar's abdomen]
Cutler: Anything wrong, Doctor?
Hawkeye: I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn toward Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: [to Radar's abdomen] How dare you say that in front of a lady. Good night, folks.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn]
[Clayton and Margaret look increasingly dismayed]
- And Hawkeye and Trapper aren't finished:Frank: [narrating over Hawkeye and Trapper walking across the compound] And there are those rare moments when these saints in surgical garb may relax with simple, wholesome pleasure.
[as Hawkeye and Trapper enter the mess tent, they throw off their coats and join in the raucous party taking place, which includes Cutler dancing on a stage as Hawkeye joins her; in the audience, even Henry can't help laughing]
Hawkeye: [taking a ladies' shoe from a nurse and holding a bottle of champagne] Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I give you the war. [pours champagne into the shoe as the other revellers pour champagne into their combat boots, then everyone drinks] ... EUCH!
Everyone: Blecch! [they all double over and continue to make retching noises; in the audience, Henry tries to sneak away, but Clayton, without even looking at him, puts a hand on his shoulder and forces him back into his seat]
- After an introduction from General Clayton (which is overenthusiastically applauded by Henry, Frank, and Margaret), Hawkeye and Trapper's contribution begins, with assistance from Radar, Lt. Cutler, and various other nurses and corpsmen...
- Many of Hawkeye's one-liners, like this one used as a rebuttal to Frank's usual show of disgust.
- Henry's dazed reaction when a jeep is sent into his tent in "Cowboy". "Jeep, boom, through, kill." And after the latrine he was in was blown up, all he could manage was "Boom!"
- In "I Hate a Mystery", Henry is turning the Swamp upside down looking for stolen property. Turning up nothing, he comes to the stove and accusingly asks Hawkeye and Trapper what's in the stovepipe, to which Trapper deadpans, "Soot, sir." Not believing him, Henry disassembles the pipe and looks into it—getting a face full of soot. It's a pretty standard slapstick cliche, but what makes it funny is Hawkeye's reaction, laughing so long and hard it's impossible not laugh with him. Radar is also obviously trying not to laugh, and even McLean Stevenson (who plays Henry) is corpsing a bit himself.
- "Dear Dad":
- Any time Colonel Blake attempted to give a lecture involving cardboard cutouts of male and female labelled A and B (in syndicated re-runs, these scenes are nearly always cut). In this episode, he fumbles his way hopelessly through a lecture about sex, reproduction, and extramarital relations.Trapper: What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married, but figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands off figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure? [laughter]
Henry: Uh... well, according to the Army, he's got to forget her.
Hawkeye: That figures.
- Father Mulcahy convinces an MP to let him handle a situation with Klinger after the Corporal knocked out Major Burns.MP: (relenting) I'm not even Catholic.
Mulcahy: (genuinely) Would you like to be?
- The bit where Trapper and Hawkeye prank Burns and Houlihan by messing with everything in their tent, particularly Houlihan's screaming as the whole tent collapses.
- Any time Colonel Blake attempted to give a lecture involving cardboard cutouts of male and female labelled A and B (in syndicated re-runs, these scenes are nearly always cut). In this episode, he fumbles his way hopelessly through a lecture about sex, reproduction, and extramarital relations.
- The whole of "Tuttle" deserves praise, where Hawkeye and Trapper essentially warp reality note by convincing the world that Tuttle exists.
- At first, the only people at the 4077th who know the name "Tuttle" are his "creators", Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar. However, Henry sees Tuttle's name on some supply requisitions, and although Radar is able to convince him that the two have met, things get complicated when Henry insists that Tuttle be made OD (Officer of the Day) instead of the always-volunteering Frank, and then Frank and Margaret, neither of whom remember meeting Tuttle, insist on seeing his personnel file. So the three co-conspirators have to forge a file in a hilarious scene:Hawkeye: Okay, now, let's see, when was he born?
Trapper: Um, how about, uh, 1924? [to Radar] That was a good year for doctors.
Hawkeye: [writes] Okay. Mother?
Trapper: Mmm... yes!
Hawkeye: [writes] Father?
Hawkeye: [writes] Harry and Frieda Tuttle. Birthplace?
Radar: Uh... hey, how about my hometown?
Hawkeye: No, they've already got enough to be proud of. How about, um...
Trapper: Battle Creek, Michigan.
Hawkeye: Yeah, that's good. That's perfect. Yeah, good. [writes] Okay. Um... uh, religion?
Trapper: Uh... atheist.
Hawkeye: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid. [starts writing]
Radar: What's that?
Hawkeye: They worship trees.
Radar: Ah, tree surgeon.
Hawkeye: [gives Radar a look as he finishes writing] Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes. All right, now, what about medical school?
Hawkeye: No, no, he can't be at any place they'll check.
Trapper: Well, how about, uh, um... Berlin Polytechnic!
Hawkeye: [grins] Perfect. Berlinisches Polytechnicum.note [writes; Radar whistles, impressed]
Trapper: [nodding] Oh!
Hawkeye: Right after he graduated from Adolf Hitler High... no, that's a bit much.
Trapper: You should write fiction.
Hawkeye: You should read my file. All right, now a little something for Hot Lips. [writing] Height: six feet four. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair: auburn. [Radar starts giggling] Eyes: hazel.
Trapper: [smiling dreamily] I think I'm in love!
- The personnel file (the physical descriptions in which, as predicted, pique Margaret's interest, to Frank's alarm) and a call to General Clayton (actually Hawkeye) do not entirely calm the two majors' suspicions, so Frank tries a counterbluff and insists to Henry that he be transferred to Tuttle's tent, claiming that Clayton asked him to look after Tuttle (whom Hawkeye-as-Clayton claimed to be engaged to the general's niece) personally, and that they "speak the same language". We are thus treated to the following:Henry: Radar, there's something going on with Major Burns.
Radar: Uh, yes, sir, with Major Houlihan. I know one guy who got pictures.
- Hawkeye and Trapper "discover" that Tuttle is owed fourteen months' back pay, and Hawkeye, posing as Tuttle to a representative from the paymaster, insists that both the back pay and all Tuttle's future pay be donated directly to Sister Theresa's orphanage. Word works its way back to General Clayton, who decides it would be good PR to recognise this act of charity publicly, although his conversation with Henry takes a while to get on rails:Radar: [entering Henry's office and picking up the phone] Colonel?
Henry: [reading a magazine] Hmm?
Radar: General Clayton.
Henry: General-!? [stuffs the magazine in his desk drawer and takes the phone as Radar leaves the office] Colonel Clayton, General Blake here, sir!
Clayton: ... steady, Henry.
Henry: Yes, sir.
Clayton: Uh, I just called to offer my congratulations.
Henry: [beaming] Well, that certainly means a lot coming from you, sir!... uh, may I ask for what?
Clayton: Well, I just got a letter from Sister Theresa.
Henry: Oh, I didn't know you had a sister!
Clayton: ... she's a nun.
Henry: Oh, you must be very proud, sir.
Clayton: [sighs in exasperation] Sister Theresa is a nun who runs an orphanage near your outfit.
Henry: Oh, well- well, I mean I don't know every nun in the, uh... it's not my habit, sir, to- uh, uh, that's not what I mean...
- Rather than try to sustain the lie in the face of ever-mounting obstacles, Hawkeye decides that since he created Tuttle, he must now destroy him, and claims at the intended commendation ceremony that Tuttle went out to do some field surgery and was killed jumping out of a helicopter without a parachute. The look of horror on his face when Henry suddenly asks him to deliver the eulogy is hilarious (as is Frank muttering to Margaret that he should give the eulogy, as he, not Hawkeye, knew Tuttle better than anyone), but then Hawkeye manages to pull it off. Such is the power of persuasion he exercises that Margaret says she'll never forget Tuttle, and Henry says he was the best OD the 4077th ever had.
- At first, the only people at the 4077th who know the name "Tuttle" are his "creators", Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar. However, Henry sees Tuttle's name on some supply requisitions, and although Radar is able to convince him that the two have met, things get complicated when Henry insists that Tuttle be made OD (Officer of the Day) instead of the always-volunteering Frank, and then Frank and Margaret, neither of whom remember meeting Tuttle, insist on seeing his personnel file. So the three co-conspirators have to forge a file in a hilarious scene:
- Henry telling Radar about his experiences with the Illinois football team in "The Army-Navy Game".Henry: Two minutes to go. Crazy Wilensky great quarterback, only weighed 120 pounds. Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse. Anyway, Crazy snaps one off, throws a bomb to Tanker Washington. Old Tank runs it down to the Ohio State one-foot line. One foot! Can you imagine?
Radar: 12 inches.
Henry: Not 12 inches, one foot! Anyway, Tanker twisted his ankle. So, quick as a flash, thousands of eyes on me, I run across that field and tape that leg good and tight, then run off. 30 seconds to go. The ball snapped to Crazy. Crazy fakes a hand-off to Butcher Palasco, and then gives it off to Tanker. And Tanker starts off and hits the ground screaming, his face twisted with pain.
Henry: No. I taped the wrong leg.
Radar: Oh. [long pause] Was he mad?
Henry: To this day, once a year, Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light. [sighs] And he's a judge now.
- Hawkeye upon learning about the titular (false) ceasefire from General Clayton.Hawkeye: General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce, look I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain but I want to have your baby.
- The episode "Five O'Clock Charlie" in its entirety. Just the fact that only Burns and Houlihan actually take Charlie seriously, to the point one of the generals they want to complain about is overheard placing bets on Charlie's ineptitude.
- "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde":
- Hawkeye stays awake for three days straight, and becomes so sleep-deprived that he stumbles into a lecture by Frank and asks him why the war is happening ("Is it something we said? Something we didn't say?"). Frank replies that the North Koreans envy the American way of life, and half of them have never even seen a bathroom; Hawkeye concludes that the war might end if the North Koreans had indoor plumbing, and concocts (and partly carries out) a plan to ship the latrine (and the visiting general inside it) to the North Koreans to end the war.
- Most of the plans for getting Hawkeye to sleep are humorous as well, especially the attempt to inject him with a sedative (they got the wrong rump and knocked out Frank instead).
- "The Trial of Henry Blake"
- Klinger's attempt to desert the camp by hang-gliding out of it... in aviator goggles, a blue housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers. The Special Effects Failure only makes it that much more funny. The reactions of Hawkeye and Trapper add to it.(Hawkeye is making time with a nurse, when...)
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
(Trapper runs up with another nurse)
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: [to the nurse] See?
(Back at the trial...)
Henry: He was found several miles from the camp, unconscious and looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Hawkeye and Trapper walk in on Margaret with Frank in her tent, massaging his neck with an electric device:Hawkeye: I've always said it. Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator.
- Klinger's attempt to desert the camp by hang-gliding out of it... in aviator goggles, a blue housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers. The Special Effects Failure only makes it that much more funny. The reactions of Hawkeye and Trapper add to it.
- "Dear Dad Three":
- A racist soldier asks Hawkeye to make sure he gets "the right color blood". Incensed, Hawkeye and Trapper use a tincture of iodine to slightly darken the soldier's skin while he's out. When the soldier comes to, he asks Klinger if he seems darker. Klinger, clearly in on it, says, "Are you sure they gave you the right color blood? This has happened before." But the real clincher comes when Ginger congratulates him on "Passing" for white. Then tells him that she's an officer, so he should "Watch his mouth".
- In the same episode, as Trapper arrives in the post-op ward to assist Hawkeye in giving the racist soldier the works:Trapper: I hear you're in need of a medical man.
Hawkeye: I see you couldn't find one.
- "The Sniper":
- Radar and Henry's shower antics... including a very brief, inadvertent glimpse of Radar's bare butt, a first on U.S. network television.
- Also, Radar's snack break in the mess tent at night, later on... during the siege... (almost getting himself killed by Hawkeye and Frank in the process....all for a crappy 'ketchup on rye')Radar: (to Henry) I have this peculiar metabolism. If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid. My shoes are full of water.
- "Deal Me Out":
- Hawkeye and Trapper, who are showering, make wisecracks about Radar's appearance and height. Radar says, "That's okay, I can take a joke"... then swipes their robes and leaves.Hawkeye: HEY! Where're you going? I was kidding, you're beautiful!
- Hawkeye asks Sidney what the psychological basis for gambling is.Sidney: Sex.
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
- At one point, Klinger brings the group sandwiches, including "something brown that just lays there." Later in the evening:Hawkeye: Hold it! Everybody freeze!
Sidney: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: One of the sandwiches just moved.
- Even better, everyone stops to look at the sandwiches suspiciously.
- Sidney trying to talk down a distraught patient (a pre-fame John Ritter) who has Burns at gunpoint.Sidney: He's a good man, one of the best in the profession, a terrific doctor and a great human being.
Henry: Maybe we should call Father Mulcahy.
Hawkeye: Yeah. He could give the truth last rites.
- Hawkeye and Trapper, who are showering, make wisecracks about Radar's appearance and height. Radar says, "That's okay, I can take a joke"... then swipes their robes and leaves.
- In "Officers Only", Hawkeye and Trapper operate on General Mitchell's son; the grateful general sends them for three days' R&R in Tokyo at the Imperial Hotel, and a series of phone calls to Henry reveals they get rather carried away...Radar: [on the phone in Henry's office] What? [Henry enters] Oh, wait, hold on, he just walked in. [covers phone; to Henry] Telephone, sir.
Henry: [takes phone; smiling] Hi there! How are you today? [covers phone; to Radar] Who am I talking to?
Radar: Uh, Mr. Yukuri. He runs the Imperial Hotel.
Henry: [into phone] Yes, sir, what can I do for you?... When?... [smile fades] Last night?... In the main dining room? [to Radar] They sent a case of pipe cleaners to MacArthur's table! [into phone] Well, sir, I can guarantee you the men will be severely reprimanded the min- what?... When?... 4:00 in the morning? Well, uh- yes, sir, I'll grant you, that's a little out of line.
Radar: What, sir?
Henry: [covers phone] Rickshaw races in the lobby.
Radar: Whew... [heads for the door]
Henry: [into phone] What is your name, sir?... Yaugerhan... Yau... Everett, is it? Everett, let me get back to you.
[later, in the Post Op ward, Henry is on the phone again]
Henry: If you'll just tell me, ma'am, how many of the girls are missing, maybe I can help you. [listens] Half the graduating class of your pearl diving school?
[still later, Radar walks up to the door of Henry's tent; Henry is lying on his cot wearing a Sleep Mask]
Radar: Sir? [no reaction; Radar hesitantly enters the tent] Uh, sir, are you asleep?
Henry: [neither getting up nor removing his sleep mask] What have they done, Radar?
Radar: The Fujikawa bath house in Tokyo.
Radar: They report Captains Pierce and McIntyre were bobbing for customers.
Henry: Thank you, Radar.
Radar: Yes, sir.
- "Henry in Love" opens with the camp preparing for Henry's return after a week in Tokyo; Frank has been in charge in his absence, and is proud of the military discipline he has tried to impose on the camp, but notes there has been some pushing back...Frank: Leadership is a lonely business. Your Napoleons, your Kaisers, your Attilas... the Hun were all alone there in the front office, as I have been this week. I've thought of you. I know you have thought of me. But some of the notes in the suggestion box were really below the belt! I mean... why drag my mother into this!?
- "Operation Noselift":
- This conversation, after Radar has seemingly had his nose broken and needs a visiting plastic surgeon to operate on it (a cover for said surgeon performing a purely cosmetic nose job on a self-conscious private):Radar: [into phone] Uh, yeah, I'm holding.
Frank: [storms out of Henry's office] Be advised, Colonel, General Mitchell will hear about this in my weekly anonymous report!note [notices Radar] What are you doing here!?
Radar: I was drafted, sir.
Frank: [pushes Radar's nose] Your nose is supposed to be broken.
Radar: Uh, yes, well, Dr. Pierce said it was just a sprain and if I keep off it for a month, I'll only have to put liquids in it.
Frank: I'm a doctor, and that's crazy!
Radar: [straight-faced] I've heard that, sir.
Frank: I have bigger fish to catch than you. [starts to leave]
Radar: Uh, uh, uh... uh, Major, telephone. It's your wife. [hands Frank the receiver] Your anniversary call.
Frank: [confused] But that was last month!
Radar: I just got through! [heads into Henry's office as Frank sits down]
Frank: Louise? [all smiles] Yes, it's me, darling! How are you, sweetheart? [Margaret enters behind him] Oh, gosh, it's good to talk to you, honey.
Margaret: [furious] WHO THE HELL IS THAT!?
Frank: [covers phone, angrily] It's my WIFE! [into phone, nervously] What? Uh, uh, oh, Major Houlihan just came in. [forced laugh] Hi, Jim!
- Frank and Margaret confront Hawkeye, Trapper, and visiting surgeon and friend of Hawkeye Stanley "Stosh" Robbins, demanding to know the true identity of their nose job patient. They point out that a nose job is difficult to hide, and head out to look for the patient... only to find everyone in the camp wearing bandages on their noses. Including the camp dog!
- This conversation, after Radar has seemingly had his nose broken and needs a visiting plastic surgeon to operate on it (a cover for said surgeon performing a purely cosmetic nose job on a self-conscious private):
- "As You Were":
- During a lull in the fighting, Henry gives another sex lecture with Figure A and Figure B, the gist of which is supposed to be a warning against contracting venereal disease. The lecture is down to his usual standards...Henry: [over loud chattering from the audience in the mess tent] Hey, guys, let's settle down, huh? Folks, I'd really like to get started. I'd really like to get, uh... Radar?
Radar: QUIET! [the chattering dies down as everyone takes a seat]
Henry: Thank you.
Radar: You're welcome. [sits down]
Henry: Well, being as how we've got so much spare time on our hands lately, I thought I'd deliver the required commanding officer's monthly, uh, orientation lecture this morning, rather than wait for another time, which, while we have it, why not use it, huh? [chuckles] So, uh, if you guys are ready, why, uh, we'll start with today's subject.
Trapper: Which is what, Henry?
Henry: Uh, I'm going to answer questions later, McIntyre.
Hawkeye: Can you give us the subject first, in case we can't tell what it is from your talk? [laughter]
Henry: [forced smile] Uh, could you quiet up? [more laughter] No, seriously, guys, this is a, uh, not an easy lecture to give, and I'd appreciate the, uh, fullest of your total attention on this. [chuckles] Uh, Radar?
Radar: Yes, sir. [gets up and removes the cloths covering the diagrams of Figures B (man) and A (woman)]
Henry: There we go. [more laughter; Radar smiles and points to Figure A]
Mulcahy: [embarrassed] I think I'll check on my candle shipment. [gets up and hurries out of the tent]
Henry: [some corpsmen toss a football around] Simmer down. Radar, do you want to, uh... [Radar sits down again] Well, here are our old friends, Figure A [taps the picture with his pointer] and Figure B. [taps the other picture with his pointer] Man, woman... mom, dad... boy, girl.
Hawkeye: Maggie and Jiggs.
Henry: Now, uh, whether a person, uh... be an A or a B, he or she is blessed with a... uh... a... [gales of laughter] I mean... Okay, after all, I, uh, I guess I don't have to tell you what you Figure Bs are blessed with. [more laughter] Uh, the, uh, human body, you know, can, uh, whether, uh, she be A or he be B, can find itself with a certain kind of, um... medical, uh, trouble.
Trapper: What kind of trouble is that, Henry?
Henry: Uh... [nervous chuckle] I'll come to that later.
Hawkeye: I may not be awake then.
Henry: Now, guys, uh, some of you are going, uh, back home to your wives. Some of you are going back to your sweethearts. And some, for all I know, are going back to both. [laughter]
Hawkeye: [to Trapper] I've heard this guy, he's great. [Trapper chuckles]
Henry: Irregardless of what you've got waiting, I mean, uh, you owe it to that waitee to return home with a clean mind and a clean body. [laughter] Because, uh, like I like to say, uh, "Clean is as clean does and... clean does as clean thinks." [laughter]
Trapper: Henry!... Figure A just fell asleep! [louder laughter]
Henry: McIntyre, we can do without the levity.
Hawkeye: Will you stop levitting? [even louder laughter]
Henry: Well, uh, excuse me.... [gets note cards out of his pocket and reads one, then clears his throat] "Difficult, you ask?" Of course. Well, I can understand that question having just asked it myself. It is, uh... difficult, men. [laughter] Um... um... I mean, really. Uh, you're, uh... it's Saturday night. You got a 24-hour pass. You're 20,000 miles from home.
Hawkeye: You can't make it, I tried. [laughter]
Henry: You walk into a bar, and it's full of B girls. [more laughter]
Radar: Shh! [elbows the corpsman sitting next to him]
Henry: Now, you guys know what I'm talking about, men. Resist. Know what I mean? Use your heads. Use your common sense. Come on now, quit giggling, guys. [loud laughter]
Radar: Shh! [elbows the man next to him again]
Henry: You've got to fight temptation. I mean, now look. Okay. Whatever you do, don't run the risk of catching today's subject. [more laughter] Are there any questions at all? [Radar raises his hand] Radar?
Radar: [stands] Uh, sir, I just have one question.
Henry: What is it?
Radar: Uh, do you suppose that some day you could give us a talk on VD? [Henry looks uncomfortable as the rest of the audience roars with laughter; Radar's confused reaction suggests he genuinely didn't realise Henry's talk was about VD]
Hawkeye, Trapper: [leading the rest of the tent in a round of applause] Yay! Bravo!
- Hawkeye and Trapper sitting in the Swamp wearing gorilla costumes, acting nonchalant. Even better is when Frank, at Margaret's insistence, reluctantly asks for the pair to operate on his hernia. Hawkeye replies that he needs to consult with his colleague. The two begin hopping around, making gorilla noises, until Hawkeye turns to Frank, drapes his arm over Trapper's shoulder and says that "We'll do it—me and the missus." Bonus points for Trapper moving into the "Thinker" pose.
- During a lull in the fighting, Henry gives another sex lecture with Figure A and Figure B, the gist of which is supposed to be a warning against contracting venereal disease. The lecture is down to his usual standards...
- In this episode, set during a cold snap while supplies are running low, people are stealing from Henry's office in order to keep fires burning, including slowly dismantling his desk over the course of the episode.Henry: Radar, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking?
Radar: Well, somebody cut the legs off, sir.
Henry: Aw, that's dirty pool.
Radar: Well, they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.
Henry: I know! But to cut off a man's legs, and steal his drawers!
- And at the end of the episode, he's sitting in the middle of his now-empty office, trying to request new... well, new everything, as they were forced to burn everything "that didn't move or salute." For reference, the only three things inside Henry's office besides Henry himself are the phone, the skeleton hanging in the corner that presumably couldn't be burned, and a jerry can that Henry is using as a seat.Henry: [on the phone] I'm sitting here talking to you from inside a real big empty!
- In this episode, set during a cold snap while supplies are running low, people are stealing from Henry's office in order to keep fires burning, including slowly dismantling his desk over the course of the episode.
- From "Mail Call", Klinger's (fake) letters from his family. Especially the scene in which Henry Blake reads from an extensive group of letters requesting that he be given a discharge because various people are dying or pregnant. In the last, half the family was dying, the other half was pregnant.Blake: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes, sir. [beat] I don't deserve to be in the army.
- "The General Flipped at Dawn". Eccentric, racist General Steele, played by Harry Morgan, the same actor who would later play Col. Potter.
- Already chafing from Steele's orders that the 4077th will participate in daily calisthenics and only wear uniforms conforming to military regulations, the staff are alarmed when Steele decides to pay a week-long visit to the camp. Henry decrees that Klinger, in particular, is not allowed to wear dresses or skirts while Steele is visiting; Klinger being Klinger, he defies the order in the hopes of getting a Section 8, but when he shows up for the inspection, he walks toward the general... and gets the last reaction any of them expected:[Henry and Steele walk up to the officers in the front row of the formation, starting with...]
Henry: My second-in-command, Major Frank Burns.
Steele: [looks Frank up and down for a few seconds] Trim the hair in your nose! Got that, Sergeant Donovan?
Donovan: [writing] Yes, sir. [Frank looks upset, but suppresses it after a few seconds]
Henry: You gave him an "N", General?
Steele: "Nostril". I'll know what it means.
Henry: [he and Steele move on to...] Our head nurse, Major Margaret Houlihan, sir.
Steele: Gut in, chest out! [a startled Margaret obeys immediately as Steele turns to Henry] Black Jack Pershing, 1915.
Henry: Oh, sir, would you like the sergeant to write that down?
Steele: It isn't noteworthy!
Henry: [to Donovan] Uh, don't write that down. He knows what it means. [he and Steele move on to...] This is our chaplain, Lieutenant Father Mulcahy.
Steele: There are no atheists in foxholes!
Mulcahy: ... I've heard that.
Steele: [looks Mulcahy up and down] I'd like to see a shine on that cross, Father.
Henry: [he and Steele walk to the far end of the front row, to...] This is my company clerk, Corporal O'Reilly.
Steele: [harshly] The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! [suddenly all smiles] Non-coms. The backbone of the service. Where are you from, son?
Radar: Iowa, sir-
Steele: [suddenly harsh again] NO TALKING IN RANKS! [a terrified Radar shuts up immediately; Steele moves on to inspecting the enlisted men in the back row]
Radar: [gets a horrified look and whispers to a passing Henry] Sir!
Henry: Not now, Radar!
Henry: What is it!?
Radar: Straight ahead at 12:00!
[Henry looks in the same direction as Radar and sees Klinger walking toward the parade; true to form, he has ignored Henry's orders and is in full drag, complete with stockings and garters, which he takes a moment to adjust]
Henry: [deflating] Oh, no...
[with Henry powerless to stop him, Klinger strides up to General Steele and salutes him proudly]
General Steele: [sotto voce] Not now, Marjorie, I'm inspecting the troops! [walks off, leaving a thoroughly confused Klinger lost for words]
- Steele insists that there is too much waste at the camp (including telling Henry that a tongue depressor found lying in the dirt can be sterilised and re-used), and concludes that the 4077th must be moved closer to the front. He takes Henry and Frank to scout out a new site, and insists that Henry salute when complying with his order that the move occur the next day. Henry and Frank point out that the area is full of snipers, who would know which of them to aim for if they saluted. But Steele insists, and sure enough, they are soon under fire from snipers:[the sniper fire continues throughout the following scene]
General Steele: [draws his service revolver as Henry and Frank take cover behind Steele's jeep] Well, we can stand and fight... [looks at his watch] or we can have lunch.
Frank: [panicking] LUNCH!
Henry: [trying not to panic] Lunch.
General Steele: [nods and holsters his revolver] Yeah, I'm a little hungry myself. [as Frank and Henry take cover in the passenger and back seats respectively, Steele casually gets into the driver's seat, adjusts his gloves, looks at himself in the rearview mirror, and sings as he starts the engine] "I... love a parade... the beat of the drums, da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum..."
- The exchange that ultimately leads to his being Kicked Upstairs is just too much, wrapped into something so simple:[Hawkeye has refused to call back an evac chopper that is carrying a patient to Seoul so that Steele can use it to observe the camp's unnecessary move closer to the front]
General Steele: You're insubordinate!
General Steele: You're insolent!
Hawkeye: Right! And you're nuts!
- General Steele's breaking out singing "Mississippi Mud" during what is supposed to be Hawkeye's court-martial will bring a tear to your eye. As will Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry dancing out of the Swamp singing "Mississippi Mud" after reading about Steele's promotion, accompanied by rhythmic boot polishing from Frank.
- Already chafing from Steele's orders that the 4077th will participate in daily calisthenics and only wear uniforms conforming to military regulations, the staff are alarmed when Steele decides to pay a week-long visit to the camp. Henry decrees that Klinger, in particular, is not allowed to wear dresses or skirts while Steele is visiting; Klinger being Klinger, he defies the order in the hopes of getting a Section 8, but when he shows up for the inspection, he walks toward the general... and gets the last reaction any of them expected:
- "Officer of the Day":
- Frank, acting as CO in Henry's absence, orders Hawkeye to carry a sidearm while appointing him Officer of the Day, leading to a hilarious rant:Hawkeye: I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll care a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, Carry Me Home to Old Virginia! I'll even hari-kari if you show me how! But I will not carry a gun!
- During Hawkeye dealing with the second Kim Luck of the day:Hawkeye: Can you identify yourself?
Kim Luck: This is me!
Hawkeye: Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that.
- Later on, another person presents the same card.Hawkeye: Boy, this card is getting a workout today.
- Frank, acting as CO in Henry's absence, orders Hawkeye to carry a sidearm while appointing him Officer of the Day, leading to a hilarious rant:
- "Rainbow Bridge":
- Hawkeye, Trapper and Frank head off to pick up some wounded that are being returned to them. They are warned that they are not to bring weapons, at the risk of losing the wounded in question to prisoner camps. Frank, being Frank, sneaks along a small handgun, giving himself away when he goes for it in response to a misunderstood gesture. The man in charge of returning their wounded is royally pissed off at this breach of contract and demands that Frank produce the weapon. When he does...[laughing incredulously] What the hell is that!?
- The gun is so hilariously tiny that Hawkeye is right in deeming it as something that would have come out of a box of Cracker Jacks. For reference, Frank holds the gun up with two fingers.
- Hawkeye, Trapper and Frank head off to pick up some wounded that are being returned to them. They are warned that they are not to bring weapons, at the risk of losing the wounded in question to prisoner camps. Frank, being Frank, sneaks along a small handgun, giving himself away when he goes for it in response to a misunderstood gesture. The man in charge of returning their wounded is royally pissed off at this breach of contract and demands that Frank produce the weapon. When he does...
- In "Springtime", Klinger gets word from his girlfriend that she wants to marry him.Col. Blake: Klinger, has she seen you?
- "Alcoholics Unanimous":
- Impatient with waiting for Klinger to fix a problem with the film camera on a very wet movie night, Trapper turns around to demand the return of the absent sound. Mother Nature responds instead via rainwater leaking in through the tent roof and spilling on his head.Trapper: You ask for sound and you get water.
Hawkeye: That's show business.
- Sickened by his tentmates' alcohol consumption and with Henry away in Seoul, temporary CO Frank declares Prohibition in the camp, and is gloating to Radar:Frank: The men detest me, don't they?
Radar: Oh, no, sir.
Frank: You can tell me the truth. They hate me, don't they?
Radar: Just your guts, sir.
Frank: This is for their own good. They don't have to love me.
Radar: I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, sir.
Frank: You don't have to stand there talking to me, go to sleep!
Radar: I can do both at the same time.
- While Hawkeye and Trapper are desperately searching the supply room for anything with alcohol in it, Margaret enters and secretly tops up a hip flask from a bottle of brandy in a file cabinet. Hawkeye and Trapper insist that she share, and moments later, all three are absolutely fall-down drunk in the Swamp. Frank is outraged and revokes his exemption for Margaret from the rules against alcohol consumption, then storms out...Margaret: Who was that? [Hawkeye and Trapper roar with laughter]
- Frank recruits Father Mulcahy to give a temperance lecture, and asks if he has any experience:Frank: [entering Henry's office with Mulcahy] Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
Father Mulcahy: Well... [removing his hat] no, I haven't. But on the troop ship, I was asked to give a lecture on, uh... the "sex" thing.
Frank: [sitting in Henry's chair] Good!
Father Mulcahy: [sitting opposite Frank] Well, being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film... about two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small, rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart. Lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Frank: [clearing his throat uncomfortably] Father, please, this is important...
Father Mulcahy: The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer... with three other young ladies and... a man with a whip.
Frank: [embarrassed] Father...
Father Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.
- Frank decides the entire camp must attend the temperance lecture. Having never spoken in front of such a large audience before, Mulcahy is so nervous that he accepts Klinger's suggestion that he take some Liquid Courage (given to him by a grateful soldier after a particularly conscience-clearing confession) and ends up giving the lecture while drunk. For bonus points, Radar actually stands up after the following line before realising they're in the mess tent.Father Mulcahy: It's rather warm in here... Radar, would you open one of the stained glass windows?
- Impatient with waiting for Klinger to fix a problem with the film camera on a very wet movie night, Trapper turns around to demand the return of the absent sound. Mother Nature responds instead via rainwater leaking in through the tent roof and spilling on his head.
- Watching Frank's wedding movie in "There Is Nothing Like a Nurse", with added MST3K-style commentary supplied by Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry.Hawkeye: I've invited you all here today because I'm ready to name the murderer.
Henry: It must be [his wedding], I don't see a casket.
Trapper: Boy, they sure did invite a lot of empty chairs.
- And then there was the look on the face of the "blushing" bride, who throughout the entire movie, had the most sour expression on her face like she had never smiled a day in her life.
- "Adam's Ribs":
- Hawkeye starting a riot in the mess tent after being offered fish or liver for lunch.Hawkeye: I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver that I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!
- And after Hawkeye gets everyone chanting 'We want something else! We want something else!', the shot switches to Radar chanting along, but eating the crappy mess tent food anyway. Radar even swipes Klinger's food. Klinger's dancing in rhythm to the chanting of "We want something else!" is also hilarious.
- Later that night, Hawkeye snaps and decides to place an order. Klinger, on guard duty, stops him.Klinger: Halt! What's the password?
Hawkeye: [not slowing down] Out of my way or I'll split your head open.
Klinger: [looking as Hawkeye passes by] Close enough!
- He wakes up Radar, has him call Chicago to place the order.Hawkeye: Chicago. Hog butcher for the world. Tool maker. Stacker of wheat. Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler. Stormy, husky, brawling, city of the big shoulders. Sandberg knew, Radar! Spareribber for the universe! Maker of meat on a bone! Inventor of the pigsicle! Give me your tired, your poor, your coleslaw!
- Then, after he manages to a) call halfway across the world, b) bluff an operator into getting him properly connected by pretending to be a reporter, and c) actually get the restaurant on the line...
- Discussing Klinger's uncle who lives in Chicago.Hawkeye: Does he like you? Would he do you a favor?
Klinger: You kidding? He'd kill for me! He'd kill for you! For $100 he'd kill for anybody!
Hawkeye: Would your uncle pick up a package for me?
Klinger: Sure, for a price!
Hawkeye: He doesn't have to kill the package!
- Hawkeye starting a riot in the mess tent after being offered fish or liver for lunch.
- "Private Charles Lamb"
- Col. Henry Blake unknowingly giving a discharge to a sheep.Henry (upon finding out): Private Charles Lamb?
- The sheep has disappeared but Henry doesn't yet know how.Henry: Everything in this country disappears except me. Boy, what I wouldn't give to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.
- Col. Henry Blake unknowingly giving a discharge to a sheep.
- In "Bombed", Trapper and Margaret are trapped in the supply shed when an artillery shell blocks the door with debris, and Trapper suggests he and Margaret share a blanket for warmth, as they'll have twice the body heat that way. Or, as Trapper puts it:Trapper: 98 degrees plus 98 degrees equals 196 degrees.
- From "White Gold", Trapper and Hawkeye laugh at Flagg as they remember past incidents when he broke his own arm and rigged a jeep to run himself over.note Trapper: You're gonna kill yourself!
Flagg: If I have to.
Trapper: Hey, that's the spirit!
Hawkeye: If we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you.
- "Welcome to Korea":
- Hawkeye bluffs his way past an MP checkpoint by pretending Radar has "neuropraxia," an apparently very contagious condition that would cause him to foam at the mouth and try to bite his nose. The MP asks Hawkeye if he's afraid of catching it.Hawkeye: [leans right into the MP's face] I can only carry the germ.
- From the second part of the episode, the voice-over recap mentions how they started on their way back to camp.Narrator: Their jeep stolen, they naturally stole one belonging to a general!
- Later on, they get a flat tire, and then come under fire from a guerrilla band. Radar tries to go back for the jack.Radar: This is a general's jack!
Hawkeye: Salute it and get in!
[Radar actually salutes the jack and then throws it on the ground]
- B.J.'s introduction to Frank Burns. Especially since Frank had just been saying he was going to mold the new surgeon in his own image. Unfortunately Hawkeye got there first.B.J.: What say you, ferret-face? [falls down laughing in drunken stupor]
- Hawkeye bluffs his way past an MP checkpoint by pretending Radar has "neuropraxia," an apparently very contagious condition that would cause him to foam at the mouth and try to bite his nose. The MP asks Hawkeye if he's afraid of catching it.
- "Chain of Command":
- Frank throws a childish and childlike temper tantrum upon learning that he's being relieved of duty as commanding officer for the soon-to-arrive Colonel Potter — complete with feet stamping, fists pounding, crying out "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S MY MASH! MINE!!! and even holding his breath! Later still, Frank "runs away from home," as Hawkeye puts it. And even later again, when Frank returns and reports himself to Potter the next morning, the look on his face when Potter compliments Klinger's Shirley Temple ensemble is priceless.
- Potter's reaction to Klinger's first try to "prove" he's deserving of a Section 8, and Potter bluntly saying that Klinger's antics are far from new, or that imaginative.Potter: Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!
- "It Happened One Night": When Frank learns that Margaret has been collecting all the love letters he sends her, he tears her tent apart (even using a knife to rip apart boards she was using as a wall) searching for them. He eventually falls asleep on the floor, where she finds him after she finishes her night shift. When she confronts him, he sheepishly asks "Have you got a pencil?" and blames all the damage on him trying to find one to leave her a note.
- "Hey, Doc": Potter gets a tank sent to the 4077th to scare away a sniper. Frank brags to Maj. Houlihan how well he can drive said tank and decides to take it for a spin. He does not do well. At all. The tank goes bonkers and drives through half the camp (literally), including flattening the Swamp (sending B.J. combat-rolling out the side through the mosquito netting and running for it), the rampage finally culminating in Potter parking a jeep in front of the tank and ordering Burns (who has no idea how) to stop. He gets out of the way, but the jeep does not. As he surveys the mangled remains of the jeep, a grim-faced Potter draws his pistol and shoots it to put it out of its "misery" like you would a horse.
- Bonus points: Potter is former Army cavalry and earlier in the episode, he refers to tanks as "Today's Cavalry". It's the punchline to one episode long horse joke.
- Even better: It's probably a reference to one of the famous Bill Mauldin's WW2 cartoons, where an old cavalry Sergeant tearfully shoots a broken down jeep.
- During "The Bus", the four surgeons plus Radar get stuck out in the wilderness with a broken-down bus. Burns takes a screwdriver from a North Korean soldier who surrendered to them and accuses the POW of sabotage (he actually was fixing their broken-down bus). Burns is holding the screwdriver, and...B.J.: (gently pushes the screwdriver down) Careful, that could be loaded.
- "The Kids":
- Doubles as Heartwarming, but after a pregnant refugee has been shot and the doctors manage to save her and her child, Klinger offers to donate a particularly nice article of women's clothing from his collection to her. Potter and Margaret overhear this from the operating table, prompting this exchange:Potter: I've got to get him that discharge.
- Again doubling as Heartwarming, Mulcahy is offering up a prayer for the mother and child, and Klinger bows his head in prayer.Mulcahy: Klinger, I thought you were an atheist.
Klinger: I gave it up for Lent.
- Doubles as Heartwarming, but after a pregnant refugee has been shot and the doctors manage to save her and her child, Klinger offers to donate a particularly nice article of women's clothing from his collection to her. Potter and Margaret overhear this from the operating table, prompting this exchange:
- "Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?":
- When bombardier Captain Arnold Chandler shows up at the 4077th convinced he is Jesus Christ, Colonel Flagg shows up, hell-bent on getting Chandler either back in a bomber or hauled up for dereliction of duty. His mixture of metaphors is not lost on Hawkeye and B.J.:Flagg: Chandler's turned chicken. It's my job to cut him off at the pass.
Hawkeye: You're gonna cut a chicken off at the pass?
Flagg: I've got to nip this rotten apple in the bud. This sort of action's contagious. One man decides he's not gonna fight, it catches on. Next thing, you know what you got on your hands?
- The staff decide instead to call in Sidney Freedman, who delivers his diagnosis that the reality of the death and destruction he had caused as a bombardier caused something in Chandler to snap, leading to a trauma-induced belief that he is Jesus Christ. He says that while they may be able to lead him back to the world where he is Arnold Chandler instead of Jesus Christ, he will never be psychologically capable of handling the demands of military service again. Flagg is unimpressed, and his attempt to discredit Sidney leads to a single-line distillation of his entire character:Flagg: I gave you a chance to play ball. Now I'm blowin' the whistle on you, Freedman.
Sidney: Blow away.
Flagg: Colonel Potter, this man, this American, never signed his officer's loyalty oath. And I intend to see that he's thrown out of the service.
Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney!
Hawkeye: I wish I'd thought of that.
B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?
Hawkeye: You crafty devil.
Flagg: Wait a minute!... Wait a minute. You are very smart, Freedman.
Hawkeye: I told you.
Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe, cosy civilian practice.
B.J.: He's onto you, Sid.
Flagg: You're not smart, Freedman. You're dumb. Very dumb! But you've met your match in me! [B.J. can't help chuckling at the poor choice of words]
- When bombardier Captain Arnold Chandler shows up at the 4077th convinced he is Jesus Christ, Colonel Flagg shows up, hell-bent on getting Chandler either back in a bomber or hauled up for dereliction of duty. His mixture of metaphors is not lost on Hawkeye and B.J.:
- "Dear Peggy":
- The contents of Peg's first overseas package includes generally regular stuff, and then...Hawkeye: [looking into the box] Chocolate jockey shorts?
B.J.: [laughing] The Hershey bars melted on them!
- Hawkeye reads a story in Life about fifteen Caltech students piling into the same Volkswagen, so he decides to go one better by squeezing sixteen 4077th staffers (including himself, Father Mulcahy, and, after some persuasion, Margaret) into the same jeep. The shots of the various would-be record-breakers' arms and legs sticking out of the sides and bulging the roof are hysterical.Hawkeye: All right, how many have we got here? Count off!
Jeep passengers: [in unison] ONE! [laughter]
Hawkeye: [grins sarcastically and nods] Fine, all we need is fifteen more. [someone grabs his arm and begins dragging him into the jeep] Wait- WAIT! Wait, wait, wait, I have to take the picture! Wait a minute! [the jeep's horn starts blaring]
- Potter has the idea to train some of the locals as ward orderlies, and unwisely assigns Frank the task of teaching them English. After teaching them how to say "Do you have a fever?" and "I will get the doctor" (but not what they actually mean), he moves on to teaching them pro-U.S., anti-Communist propaganda phrases until Hawkeye relieves him. He starts as Frank did, by teaching the Koreans to say "I will get the nurse", but then moves on to something more useful...Hawkeye: "Frank Burns eats worms."
Koreans: "Frank Burns eats worms."
- Klinger is more desperate than ever to get out of the Army, but keeps getting caught by the MPs when he tries to desert. Halfway through the episode's second act, he is caught trying to swim down to the Inchon River, then to the Sea of Japan, then across the Pacific. The MPs drag him into Potter's office as he is dictating a letter to Radar. Klinger rubbishes Potter's insistence that he would have drowned - and puts a self-inflating rubber raft on Potter's desk and pulls the cord. The raft knocks both Radar and Potter to the floor as it inflates.
- Near the end of the episode, Hawkeye and B.J. have had to go back into one of Frank's patients after he develops peritonitis thanks to Frank missing some shell fragments - which horrifies Mulcahy, who, at the behest of visiting chaplain Colonel Hollister (Ned Beatty), wrote to the lad's parents telling them everything was going to be okay with their son. Fortunately, the news after the second surgery is encouraging, and we get the payoff of the Koreans' English lessons:[Mulcahy is nervously pacing outside the hospital building; he moves to sit down, then changes his mind and kneels, but his prayer is interrupted by Hawkeye, B.J., Margaret, Frank, and a group of Korean orderlies exiting the building]
Mulcahy: Is he gonna make it?
Hawkeye: It depends. We could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again.
Mulcahy: Thank God.
Frank: [glares at Hawkeye] Twerp!
[Hawkeye's face lights up, and he turns to the Korean orderlies and points to them in a "That's your cue!" gesture]
Koreans: [in unison] YOU TELL 'IM, FERRET FACE! [Hawkeye and B.J. laugh uproariously as Frank stomps off in a rage, with Margaret hurrying after him]
- In The Stinger, B.J. is finishing his letter to Peg while playing chess with Hawkeye. Two MPs walk past leading what looks like a tree...Hawkeye: Nice try, Klinger!
[the MPs turn the tree around; sure enough, it's Klinger in disguise]
Klinger: I would've made it if not for that dog!
- The contents of Peg's first overseas package includes generally regular stuff, and then...
- In "Of Moose and Men", Frank goes into a dither because a local buried something, thinking it was a mine or a bomb. When it's dug up, B.J. and Hawkeye snark that Frank was excited over a kimchi potnote .B.J.: I'd get title to this land, Major. Before word gets out.
Hawkeye: Don't you understand, man? You've struck coleslaw!
- In "The Gun", Radar is blamed for the loss of a colonel's personal revolver (actually stolen by Frank Burns). Radar eventually gets drunk and confronts the colonel; at the same time Frank tries to return the gun... and shoots himself in the foot. The stunned look on Radar's face really sells it.Radar: You better believe it, or I'm dead where you stand. [points teddy bear at colonel like a gun, at which point we hear Frank shooting himself in the foot; Radar looks stunned] MY BEAR WENT OFF!
- "Mail Call... Again" reveals (via home video) the face of Radar's mother... who looks astonishingly like a Radar in drag.
- "Bug Out":
- The unit tries to find a new site for the camp. Potter has Mulcahy bless the new site (apparently a customary measure) and then Burns tries to pass what he's saying along the line of jeeps and trucks. The Death Glare Potter gives him could melt steel. Then they find out what else is in the site: a bunch of women using the schoolhouse as a brothel. Frank doesn't get it.Potter: The oldest profession.
Burns: [surprised] A bakery?
Burns: [excited] Tarts? Peach? Raspberry?
Hunnicutt: [clearly trying to not fall over laughing] Frank, it's a brothel.
Burns: A den of iniquity? Here? Permission to get a squad and evict them by force, Sir! [blows the whistle he's been using all episode]
Potter: [yanks the whistle out of his hands] CONFISCATED!
- As tense as the moment is, Hawkeye, Margaret and Radar running around like headless chickens is prime comedy. The Chinese are coming, so they rush to hide in one of the tents, all three trying to pass through the door at once... only to make it inside and notice the whole thing is an empty frame. With a door in it.
- The unit tries to find a new site for the camp. Potter has Mulcahy bless the new site (apparently a customary measure) and then Burns tries to pass what he's saying along the line of jeeps and trucks. The Death Glare Potter gives him could melt steel. Then they find out what else is in the site: a bunch of women using the schoolhouse as a brothel. Frank doesn't get it.
- In "Out of Sight, Out of Mind", Hawkeye is temporarily blinded by a stove exploding in his face. As he sits in his tent Frank comes in through the door, whistling. It's easy to miss, but the tune Frank is whistling? "Three Blind Mice".
- "The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan":
- Margaret leaves camp to deliver a local woman's baby, and only Klinger knows where she is, but he is half-asleep when asked by Radar and mumbles "She's having a baby". So the 4077th make the mistake of recruiting the assistance of Army "intelligence" in the form of Colonel Flagg, leading to this gem:Potter: Flagg, let's not cause any more casualties.
Flagg: What's war without casualties?
Flagg: If it wasn't for war, you wouldn't know what peace was!
B.J.: [to Hawkeye] He has a point.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.
- Klinger to a little Korean girl in camp:Klinger: This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
- Margaret leaves camp to deliver a local woman's baby, and only Klinger knows where she is, but he is half-asleep when asked by Radar and mumbles "She's having a baby". So the 4077th make the mistake of recruiting the assistance of Army "intelligence" in the form of Colonel Flagg, leading to this gem:
- Throughout the episode "Dear Sigmund", pranks have been played on just about everyone by B.J. Hunnicutt. At one point, Sidney the psychiatrist exits the tent to find Frank digging an air raid shelter to hide in, just in case. Towards the end of the episode, Sidney comes outside to find Hunnicutt whistling as they fill the shelter with water. They ask if Sidney wants to help, and tells him to shout "air raid" as loud as he can. He does so, and Hilarity Ensues.Sidney: Air raid!!
Frank: (snaps awake in his bunk) AIR RAID!?!? (sprints outside) AIR RAAAAAAAIID!!! (makes a flying leap into his shelter and lands with a loud "sploosh")
- In "Mulcahy's War" , Col. Potter and Hawkeye have to instruct Fr. Mulcahy, over the radio, in how to perform an emergency tracheotomy. The Fr. succeeds and signs off over the radio.Potter: Well, what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think I'm an idiot. I came all the way to Korea to do surgery when I could have stayed at home and phoned it in.
- "Hawkeye, Get Your Gun":
- B.J. hands Hawkeye his gun as he and Potter head to a Korean Army hospital suffering a staff shortage.B.J.: [to Hawkeye] Your artillery, pard.
Potter: Is it loaded?
B.J.: I filled it with water myself.
Hawkeye: Look out everyone, I shoot to drown!
- Later in the episode, Potter and Hawkeye are getting drunk on their way back to the 4077th when they are pinned down by enemy fire and seek refuge in a foxhole. Potter insists Hawkeye join him in returning fire:[Potter fires his sidearm back at the enemy]
Hawkeye: What are you shooting for?
Potter: [ducking back into the foxhole] Well, that's the way this game is played. They shoot at us, we shoot at them. The last one to shoot wins. [hands over Hawkeye's sidearm] Here. It's your turn.
Hawkeye: Oh, no, no, no, no. The reason they're shooting is that they're angry. If I shoot back, they'll just get angrier.
Potter: Pierce, you got a good sense of humor but a lousy sense of timing. Fire that weapon.
Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [to gun] You're fired. [hands the gun back to Potter] I did it as gently as I could. [crosses his legs lazily]
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye: [snaps his fingers in the air] Oh, waiter. Would you take this man's order, please?
Potter: Fire the gun, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Look, Colonel. I'll treat their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds!
- B.J. hands Hawkeye his gun as he and Potter head to a Korean Army hospital suffering a staff shortage.
- This little exchange from "The Colonel's Horse", in response to Hawkeye and B.J. complaining about having to put up with Frank Burns as acting Commanding Officer whilst Colonel Potter is in Tokyo:B.J.: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down, have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
- In "Exorcism", some locals set up a good-luck totem in the camp, but are forced to take it down. Bad things start happening to the camp, culminating in one of the locals getting injured. The man refuses to be operated on until the OR is exorcised, so Hawkeye walks up to the building and rattles off the names of a few medications.Hawkeye: Sodium amoxicilic! Phenobarb and arcephenomene! [Frank walks out of the building] My god, it worked!
- In "The Most Unforgettable Characters", Klinger sits down and starts pouring what appears to be gasoline over himself, in preparation of setting himself on fire, in another attempt to get a Section 8. Colonel Potter calls Klinger into his office to try to talk him out of it, takes a curious sniff, and whispers something to Radar behind Klinger's back. A minute later, Klinger rejects Potter's offer and storms back out to resume pouring the "gasoline" over himself. At the first splash, Klinger spits out the real gasoline, then yells "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?!?" He gets up and runs into a nearby shower tent. A nurse runs out, screaming and covering herself with a towel.
- The entirety of "Movie Tonight".
- Everyone passing Mulcahy's hat around for the "Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest".Hawkeye: [high voice] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
Klinger: [high voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Frank: [high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
Margaret: [high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
Radar: Sorry, Father. [high voice] It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
Potter: [high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
- Bonus: all the impressions of Mulcahy sound like a drunk Mickey Mouse.
- Everyone passing Mulcahy's hat around for the "Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest".
- "Fade Out, Fade In" provides a hilarious farewell for the (absent) Frank Burns and an equally hilarious welcome for Charles Winchester.
- After Hawkeye, B.J., and Potter learn that Frank Burns has been committed for psychiatric observation and transferred out of the 4077th:
- Hawkeye's final conversation with Frank ends with Hawkeye throwing the phone out of the office, leaving poor Radar to chase it down. B.J. asks what happened and Hawkeye responds with, "The Army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all chargesnote , they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel." B.J. immediately grabs for the phone just as Radar has brought it back in, and Radar holds on as tight as he can until B.J. gives up and leaves.
- Winchester's Establishing Character Moment after making Hawkeye's snake-in-the-bed prank backfire.
- The conclusion of "Last Laugh". Potter, Hawkeye and B.J. have returned from clearing B.J. of an offense committed by his old friend Bardonaro. They're drunk out of their gourds, and in the Swamp, B.J. awaits Bardonaro because B.J. has his travel orders for home. He tells Bardonaro to take the jeep, "It's all gassed up." After Bardonaro leaves, B.J. receives a bill from the hotel where the offense took place—$580 in damages. He and Hawkeye laugh about it, then:Hawkeye: What the hell are we laughing at?
B.J.: Oh, he'll be walking back here in about an hour.
Hawkeye: He'll be walking back??
B.J.: The only thing gassed up in that jeep was us! (He and Hawkeye totally lose it)
- From "The Winchester Tapes":
- Colonel Potter painting Winchester's portrait weeks after his arrival:Winchester: This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting AWAY!
Potter: (infuriated) DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR FACE!! I'M OUT OF UMBER!!
- And then Potter reveals Winchester's portrait... painted just as angry, irascible, and open-mouthed as his likeness. And it hangs in the background for the rest of the series.
- Hawkeye gets a letter from a nurse inviting him for a hot weekend in Tokyo. He's trying to get some gear together so he can go and wants to borrow B.J.'s pajamas.
- The closing line of the episode, where Winchester makes a plea to his parents on his cassette recordings:Winchester: [Sighs] Finally, a peaceful moment to conclude this tape. The would-be Lothario Pierce is sound asleep and the 38-hour day is done. Now, Mother and Dad... I will put this as eloquently and succinctly as possible.
(Beat as he tries to pour a cup of tea, fails, then pulls a rubber chicken out of his teapot)
Winchester: Get me the HELL out of here!!
- Colonel Potter painting Winchester's portrait weeks after his arrival:
- In "Change Day", Potter gets a little snarky when Hawkeye rubs him the wrong way:Potter: (chuckling) You know, Pierce, sometimes you can be very funny. (suddenly deadpan) And then there's now.
- Hawkeye singing "Goober Peas" in "Comrades in Arms".Hawkeye: [singing in deep, goofy fashion] Peas peas peas....eating goober's peas....oooOOOOOHhhhhh HOW DELICIOUS....
Margaret: WILL YOU STOP THAT!?
- When Margaret needs a pregnancy test in "What's Up, Doc?", Radar allows his rabbit to be used, provided the doctors not kill it. Hawkeye and Margaret manage to perform surgery on a rabbit despite having no experience or idea of what they're doing. Margaret thanks him afterward, and Radar says, "That's all right, Major. You'd've done the same for her."
- "The Smell of Music" presents: Hawkeye and B.J.'s B.O. versus Charles' French horn.
- In "Patent 4077" — in which Margaret has lost her engagement ring — Hawkeye and B.J. get the bright idea to ask a traveling merchant with a lot of dubious gear to craft a replacement, after recognizing one of the rings he has as the exact same model. Not only does the merchant himself try and talk them out of buying the ring, as he regards it with clear shame, his reaction to Penobscot's "romantic" inscription is a heartfelt "Pee-yew!" To cap it all off, he tells them that he'll build them a surgical tool they desperately need for only $10 because "Anybody willing to buy this crummy ring deserves a break!"
- "Colonel Potter's Retirement":
- A mole is sending reports to the Inspector General about Col. Potter and he's debating retiring as a result. Hawkeye and B.J. confront Charles, assuming that with his grudge against Potter he'd be a logical informant. Charles's response is as always, erudite and hilarious.Charles: There are no informers in my family! Winchesters do not spy! [beat] We do on occasion hire them...
- At the end of that scene Charles takes a drink out of a bottle of hair tonic that was in his foot locker. When Hawkeye points out to him what he's drinking Charles retorts that it's actually Scotch; with Hawkeye and B.J. around he didn't dare keep it in the original bottle. Hawkeye immediately reacts in disgust.Hawkeye: Eugggh!
B.J.: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!
- A mole is sending reports to the Inspector General about Col. Potter and he's debating retiring as a result. Hawkeye and B.J. confront Charles, assuming that with his grudge against Potter he'd be a logical informant. Charles's response is as always, erudite and hilarious.
- In the final scene of "Commander Pierce", Potter has returned from a conference in Seoul after leaving Hawkeye in charge of the 4077th. After several days of trying and failing to get Hawkeye to give him a Section 8, Klinger tries his luck on the returning Potter, with worse than usual results:Klinger: [strides into Potter's office carrying flowers and chocolates, all smiles] Colonel, I missed you!
Potter: [not even looking up from the papers he is signing] No.
Klinger: About my heart murmur, sir-
Klinger: My double vision's coming back-
Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat-
Klinger: [dejected] Glad to have you back, sir. [takes the flowers and chocolates and leaves]
- The bathtub saga in "None Like it Hot" has several.
- Hawkeye and B.J. have ordered a collapsible bathtub to beat the summer heat, initially planning to keep its existence a secret between themselves (although Charles walks in as they are opening the tub and threatens to tell the whole camp unless he is allowed to use it as well). Hawkeye takes the first bath in pre-op, giggling like a fool, singing, and squeezing a rubber ducky. Meanwhile, B.J. is outside, trying to dissuade Father Mulcahy from coming in. B.J. is talking calmly to the Father as if nothing's wrong. You can clearly hear Hawkeye laughing hysterically in the background, along with the quacking of the duck. When the Father finds out, he chides them but acknowledges that they need to hide the tub. Then Margaret bursts in (having learned of the bath from Charles in exchange for letting him use her bubble bath). Bear in mind that all Hawkeye has on right now is a small towel.Margaret: (lustily) I want it!
Hawkeye: Women often have that reaction when they see me naked.
- Before long, the whole camp knows about the bathtub, and Col. Potter imposes a ten-minute limit on its use; there are frequently over a dozen people queueing up to use it. And soon, tempers fray...Zale: Hey, hurry up in there, nobody's that dirty!
Charles: [joining the queue behind Zale] How would you know?
Zale: [sarcastically, with accompanying gesture of "deference"] Oh, pardon me.
Charles: I cannot. You are inexcusable.
Zale: Listen, Major, just because you live in this line doesn't mean you own it.
Charles: Curb your tongue, dogface!
Private: [cutting into the queue in front of Zale and patting the man in front of him on the forearm] Thanks for saving my place.
Zale: Whaddya mean your place? Your place is behind him! [gestures to Charles]
Private: Nothin' doin'! I forgot my shampoo, now I'm back where I was.
Zale: You're gonna be some place you've never been if you don't get outa here!
Private: Make me!
Charles: [as the two begin scuffling] Now, now, now... (Idiots.) [the queue gradually dissolves into a crowd watching the fight; Charles casually walks toward the bath tent throughout the following] Hey, there's a fight... good fight over here... throw some water on them... break it up, there's a war on, you know... [toward the tent] Hey, there's a fight out here, good fight... [the occupant of the tent exits to watch the fight; Charles turns to the oblivious crowd with a smug grin] Gentlemen. [he disappears into the tent]
- Better still, Potter breaks up the fight and immediately prohibits anyone from using the tub. The saddened crowd departs, leaving Winchester inside to soak in the tub listening to his classical music for as long as he likes.
- Klinger's attempt to get a Section 8 in this episode involves wrapping up in fur coats and long underwear and drinking hot chocolate in spite of the heat; Potter decides that if he keeps the charade up for 24 hours, he will give him a discharge. With just one hour to go, Klinger snaps, strips off his warm clothes, and charges into the bath tent - causing a screaming Margaret to rush out of the tent, wrapped in a towel.
- Hawkeye and B.J. have ordered a collapsible bathtub to beat the summer heat, initially planning to keep its existence a secret between themselves (although Charles walks in as they are opening the tub and threatens to tell the whole camp unless he is allowed to use it as well). Hawkeye takes the first bath in pre-op, giggling like a fool, singing, and squeezing a rubber ducky. Meanwhile, B.J. is outside, trying to dissuade Father Mulcahy from coming in. B.J. is talking calmly to the Father as if nothing's wrong. You can clearly hear Hawkeye laughing hysterically in the background, along with the quacking of the duck. When the Father finds out, he chides them but acknowledges that they need to hide the tub. Then Margaret bursts in (having learned of the bath from Charles in exchange for letting him use her bubble bath). Bear in mind that all Hawkeye has on right now is a small towel.
- In "Out of Gas", Winchester insists on coming along with Mulcahy to engage in some horse trading with individuals from the black market. After being The Load for the whole episode, they return to camp.Mulcahy: Having the Major along was a real blessing. And God willing, I'll never be blessed with him again.
- The escalating prank war between Margaret and B.J. and Hawkeye in "An Eye for a Tooth", orchestrated behind the scenes by Charles who is playing both sides.
- From "Inga", a Swedish doctor comes to the unit. Hawkeye tries to score with her, using some of Charles's music to set the mood.Hawkeye: All he's got is drums and cannons! I want her to melt, not keel over!
B.J.: Try the Ariosa, by Bach. Peg and I like to put it on at bedtime.
Hawkeye: Does that really work?
B.J.: Have you seen my baby pictures?
- "The Price":
- A young Korean was trying to hide in the showers to avoid being press-ganged into the military. He runs afoul of Margaret. Hawk and B.J. carry the young man off, and Margaret suggests that he may have had a camera and taken pictures of her.Hawkeye: Then we'll make sure everyone gets copies.
Mulcahy: None for me, thanks.
- Radar sees that Potter is wearing a pair of silky, hot magenta-colored boxer shorts, that he seems really proud of.Potter: Before you say anything, Mrs. Potter made these for me. Now what do you think of 'em?
Radar: Thanks for the warning, sir.
Potter: Would you like her to send you a pair?
Radar: Ugh... could she make the same thing in white?
Potter: It's a rare treat to share your underwear with a friend.
Radar: Sure, sir.
- A young Korean was trying to hide in the showers to avoid being press-ganged into the military. He runs afoul of Margaret. Hawk and B.J. carry the young man off, and Margaret suggests that he may have had a camera and taken pictures of her.
- From "Preventative Medicine", Klinger's voodoo.Klinger: (jumps out from behind a corner, shaking what looks like flour at Col. Potter and Radar) Um-dallah! Moo-goo-gai-pan! Hear me, oh spirits of darkness! [beat] [points at Col. Potter] That's the guy.
- Every other moment from "The Yalu Brick Road":
- B.J.'s terrible driving, Hawkeye screaming in terror at his terrible driving, the very unsuccessful righting of the jeep, Margaret tearing down the Swamp's mosquito net the better to threaten Charles (the door was right there), Father Mulcahy's unholy glee at the salmonella outbreak which finally lets him be useful, and enough one-liners to sink a battleship.B.J.: Pierce, this is your lucky day. You're looking at Spokes Hunnicutt, Mill Valley's finest surviving motorcycle rider. We got no problem. [Looks in fuel tank, and in exactly the same tone—] We got one problem.
- Another one-liner from when Hawkeye and B.J. return to camp with a North Korean soldier who surrenders to every person he comes across.B.J.: Don't you understand the international symbol for touchdown?!
- B.J.'s terrible driving, Hawkeye screaming in terror at his terrible driving, the very unsuccessful righting of the jeep, Margaret tearing down the Swamp's mosquito net the better to threaten Charles (the door was right there), Father Mulcahy's unholy glee at the salmonella outbreak which finally lets him be useful, and enough one-liners to sink a battleship.
- "Dear Uncle Abdul":
- After being told by Klinger for the umpteenth time that I-CORPS won't replace her broken footlocker because it wasn't damaged in combat, Margaret calmly borrows Winchester's hunting rifle, walks inside her tent and then shoots said footlocker.Margaret: There I was, alone in my tent! Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Bang! Bang! Without hesitation, my valiant foot locker threw itself into the direct line of fire, giving its life that I might live!
- Hawkeye and B.J. are arguing about who can tell jokes the best. Beleaguered Assistant Klinger snipes this winner at them:Klinger: I'm writing my Uncle Abdul about what it's like over here-doctors, nurses, saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties. And a snooty major who pays me twenty bucks to go out into the woods with him and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine. And if that doesn't beat all, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you guys do is tell jokes. What the hell's so funny about that?
- After being told by Klinger for the umpteenth time that I-CORPS won't replace her broken footlocker because it wasn't damaged in combat, Margaret calmly borrows Winchester's hunting rifle, walks inside her tent and then shoots said footlocker.
- "Bottle Fatigue". Hawkeye tries to quit drinking temporarily after seeing just how much alcohol he's been consuming. The first morning, he comes in singing loudly while B.J. and Charles are hung over and trying to sleep. Charles's reaction is priceless.Charles: Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had. He too was cheerful in the mornings, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese and they ate him.
- From the B plot, Charles is angry that his sister is engaged to marry an Italian. While speaking to Father Mulcahy about it in the mess tent he puts his foot in his mouth even further by stating an Italian is at least preferable to an Irishman. Mulcahy immediately drops his tray onto Charles's foot.Charles: Why is everyone so testy?
- From the B plot, Charles is angry that his sister is engaged to marry an Italian. While speaking to Father Mulcahy about it in the mess tent he puts his foot in his mouth even further by stating an Italian is at least preferable to an Irishman. Mulcahy immediately drops his tray onto Charles's foot.
- "Heal Thyself" has the exchanges between Col. Potter and Maj. Winchester when they are quarantined with each other after catching the mumps.
- Friction between the two patients sets in immediately, and gets worse when Potter refuses to let Charles listen to a record:[Charles and Potter are playing gin rummy on the top of Charles' record player; Charles is reading a thermometer]
Charles: 99.4. Up another tenth.
Potter: Then hurry up and discard before the grim reaper comes marching in.
Charles: Oh, very well. [puts a card face down in the discard pile and then sets down the cards in his hand] Gin.
Charles: Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus to master the numerical sequence of ace, deuce, trey. [mentally adding up the points from the "deadwood" cards left in Potter's hand] Fifty-four points... record. [updates the score pad]
Potter: Oh, shut up and deal. I can't remember the last hand I won.
Charles: Oh, really? [chuckles as he gathers up the cards] Having won so few I should think they'd stand out in your memory.
Potter: On second thought, I think I'll read a little, and then turn in. Some Zane Grey maybe.
Charles: Ah... Zane Grey. Tolstoy with spurs.
Potter: [testily] He happens to be a great writer!
Charles: Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill, Zane Grey is to literature. [opens the lid of his record player] Therefore, I shall counter with something civilised: Caruso.
Potter: [stiffens, and hurries on his elbows to the edge of his bed] En-ricko Caruso!? The singer?!
Charles: [deadpan] Why, yes, I do believe he sings.
Potter: Nix on that! I hate opera!
Charles: Colonel, a closed mind is an empty mind. All I ask is that you listen, and I assure you, you will be carried away on majestic clouds of musical rapture. [starts playing the record]
Potter: That guy sounds like a banshee in a bear trap! [pulls the needle off the record]
Charles: Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music! [tries to play the record again, but Potter removes the needle again]
Potter: If I want music... [slams the lid of the record player shut before Charles can get to the needle] I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s. If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!
Charles: Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal Enrico Caruso!
Potter: Oh, yeah!? If you wanna match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?
Charles: Not even at gunpoint!
- Relations between the two soon spiral toward rock bottom...[Potter has his easel set up on his bed and is painting while Charles lies on his cot and stares at the ceiling]
Potter: Another long session in O.R.
Charles: At least the other doctors have something to do. The only activity I am allowed is talking.
Potter: Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!
Charles: I do not understand why you are allowed your pleasures, and I am not allowed mine! [stands up and walks over to Potter's bed]
Potter: Because my pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!
Charles: [taking in the painting on Potter's easel] Ah! That is either a horse or the RCA Building.◊
Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end. Fortunately, I have a live-in model! [glares at Charles]
Charles: Ha, ha-ha, ha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
Potter: Winchester, go about your business!
Charles: I have no business!
Potter: Take a nap!
Charles: I'M NOT SLEEPY! [grimaces and holds his throat]
Potter: Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash!
Charles: [walks over to his record player] Even the most despicable convict is allowed the basic pleasures of life, but not I!
Potter: Don't rile me, Winchester. My face gets any redder, somebody's gonna get whupped.
Charles: [opens the lid of his record player, then takes a record out of its sleeve and puts it on the turntable] Threaten all you want, I can't take anymore! I demand my rights! I'm going to play my music!
Potter: Don't touch that dial!
Charles: I need this music to nourish my fading hope that truth and beauty still exist! Viva Caruso! [chokes]
Potter: I'm warning you! Eighty-six that Italian!
Charles: I have nothing left to lose! [starts playing the record] Ahh...
Potter: [slams down his palette] That tears it! [stands up and staggers toward Charles]
Charles: What are you gonna do?
Potter: I'll decide when I get there!
Charles: No, Colonel! [cut to outside Potter's tent; the record stops with a scratch] Oh, no!
Potter: Oh, yes! [hurls the record through the door like a frisbee, shattering it on the side of an ambulance]
- The two officers finally reach an understanding: Potter plugs his ears with cotton wool while Charles plays his records. Unfortunately, the peace doesn't last long...Charles: [as his Caruso record finishes] Bravo! Bravissimo! A virtuoso performance.
Potter: [reading a Zane Grey novel] There's a lesson. Never insult seven men... when all you're packin' is a six-gun.
Charles: [laughs] Colonel, what a delight. Since we worked out our differences, the remainder of our quarantine shall be passed in peace and harmony.
[the door opens and a mumps-ridden Klinger stumbles in, his belongings falling out of his arms. Charles Facepalms]
- Friction between the two patients sets in immediately, and gets worse when Potter refuses to let Charles listen to a record:
- "Morale Victory" has a quick bit at the beginning when Hawkeye and BJ stand in front of the movie screen and parody the dialogue and actions from Tales of Manhattan (showing for at least the dozenth time).
- "Goodbye, Cruel World":
- As he settles into his role as company clerk, Klinger has his mother send over some personal effects from Toledo. However, his re-decoration includes everything from hanging rugs to beaded curtains over the doors to all manner of knick-knacks on every flat surface - which does not please Colonel Potter when he takes in the sight...Potter: [entering Klinger's office, where Klinger is hammering] Klinger, have you seen- [stops in his tracks] GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! [the camera pans across the new decorations as the oblivious Klinger stands on a ladder and continues hammering a bag attached to a string to a ceiling beam; a second bag is waiting to be put alongside the first] KLINGER!
Klinger: Thank goodness you're here! Could you give me a nail?
Potter: [acidly] You wouldn't like where I'd put it. Why does my company clerk's office look like Polly Adler's parlour!?note
Klinger: Sir, these are treasures of my civilian world! My mom sent me a few things from my room.
Potter: Made you sleep in the attic, did she? [walks toward the ladder, then recoils from the smell of the bag] What... pray tell, is this?
Klinger: Shanklish cheese, sir! Sort of a Lebanese Limburger. Aromatic, isn't it? [smiles and sniffs the bag]
Potter: Makes the whole office smell like feet!
Klinger: [descending the ladder] Am I to take it the colonel is displeased with the decor?
Potter: Bullseye, Corporal! Now, take these Arabian... nightmares and put 'em where they belong - in the minefield!
Klinger: Sir, you would destroy my family's precious heirlooms? [picking up a trophy from the top of the filing cabinet] My father's trophy - three times Bowler of the Year, at the height of the Depression! [hurrying over to a lamp over his desk] My Uncle Hakim was married under this lamp! Twice! [running over to a hanging rug at right angles to a set of beaded curtains] And look, with my Aunt Fatima's rug, I made a private room! [enters his "private room"]
Potter: If you don't take it down, this is going to be a private's room!
- However, Potter agrees to put the question of removing the decorations to a vote, and tells Klinger to get some of the medical staff for a second opinion. So Klinger brings Hawkeye and Margaret into the office where Potter is waiting with Charles and B.J., and the two react with Stunned Silence... until B.J., obviously trying to avoid laughing, lifts up a massive conch shell that he found in the room. Then the two majors and the two captains lose it.Hawkeye: [through laughter] You... you said this was a staff meeting, not a rummage sale!
Margaret: You've got everything here but a statue with a clock in its stomach! [Hawkeye laughs, Klinger looks sheepish and turns around a statue matching Margaret's description, which just makes her and Hawkeye laugh harder]note
Charles: Klinger... [clears throat] Looking at these... "treasures", I now understand why Toledo is kept in Ohio! [he, Hawkeye, B.J., and Margaret burst out laughing again]
Klinger: [offended] These are treasures! [hurrying over to a hanging rug] That's a genuine Persian rug! You rich people use 'em in your houses!
Charles: Not as walls! [he and B.J. laugh] Will you also be, uh, laying some paintings on the floor?
Margaret: [through more laughter] Klinger, you've outdone yourself. There's not one thing here that belongs on a military base.
Hawkeye: Well, unless you're with a unit of fighting grandmothers. [Margaret howls with laughter]
B.J.: Of course, the cheese does have killing capabilities! [more laughter]
- As he settles into his role as company clerk, Klinger has his mother send over some personal effects from Toledo. However, his re-decoration includes everything from hanging rugs to beaded curtains over the doors to all manner of knick-knacks on every flat surface - which does not please Colonel Potter when he takes in the sight...
- In "April Fools", pranks abound.
- B.J. distributes goodies sent by Peg from home: brownies for Hawkeye, fruit cocktail for Potter, and pralines for Charles - or so he is led to believe, as he finds only a spring-loaded boa inside the can. Potter is angry at the two captains for pulling such an immature stunt, but Charles takes it in stride:Charles: [looking glumly inside the can] The true cruelty of this lame jest is that there are no pralines!
- Margaret squawks offscreen, and Hawkeye and B.J. look at each other questioningly, until Margaret barges into their section of the scrub room.Margaret: Alright, who left the dead minnows in my pocket?
Charles: [indignantly] They were alive when I put them there, you've killed them!
- At the end of the scene, Potter walks out of the scrub room, claiming he's above the jokes and he's Seen It All. He turns to leave... revealing someone has attached a tail to the hem of his shirt with a surgical clamp.
- It's not just the surgeons who are targeted by pranks. Father Mulcahy, blood boiling, storms into Klinger's office wearing the sort of dress the company clerk wore in the early seasons:Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: [smirking] Good morning, Padre. Or should I say "Padress"?
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this! While I was showering, somebody stole my robe and left me this, this house frock!
Klinger: Better not take it off, Father, you'll be a defrocked priest!
Mulcahy: [Death Glare] Klinger, how would you like to get the last rites and a few lefts? [holds up his fist]
Potter: Holster thy knuckles, Padre. This, too, shall pass.
Mulcahy: It better. [he exits the office to a chorus of wolf-whistles] OH, SHUT UP!
- The prank wars escalate over the first act of the episode: Margaret gets all three Swampmen, putting oatmeal in Hawkeye's boot, spiking B.J.'s mouthwash with Tabasco, and writing "KILROY" on Charles' bald head as he sleeps (though only the first is shown on screen). They decide to get revenge by stealing the canvas of her tent, leaving only the frame, and hiding a skeleton in Hawkeye's bed when she storms over to the Swamp to confront them. They continue to stoke her anger with a Hurricane of Puns:Margaret: [holding a pillow and giving Hawkeye a Death Glare as he, B.J., and Charles roar with laughter] Where - is - my - tent!?
Hawkeye: We pitched it somewhere!
Margaret: [attacks Hawkeye with the pillow, feathers flying everywhere] You crumb! You crumb! [advances on a backpedalling B.J.] Where is my tent?!
B.J.: We gave it to a dog, now it's a pup tent!
Margaret: [starts hitting B.J. with the pillow] You IDIOT! [turns her attention to Charles and begins attacking him with the pillow] You schmo!
Charles: AHH! Don't hit a pillow when it's down!
- The stiff-backed Colonel Tucker arrives in the middle of the pillow fight; Margaret and the three Swampmen try to look as dignified as they can while covered in feathers. When the colonel demands an explanation, Margaret says the "crumbs" have hidden her tent; Hawkeye corrects her, as according to her, only Hawkeye is a crumb, while B.J. is a schmo and Charles is an idiot (B.J. and Charles promptly remind Hawkeye that it's the other way round).
- B.J. distributes goodies sent by Peg from home: brownies for Hawkeye, fruit cocktail for Potter, and pralines for Charles - or so he is led to believe, as he finds only a spring-loaded boa inside the can. Potter is angry at the two captains for pulling such an immature stunt, but Charles takes it in stride:
- In "A War For All Seasons", Father Mulcahy spent a summer growing corn for the camp, and looked forward to eating it off the cob as part of their 4th of July celebration. When he sees the way camp cook Igor has prepared it, it's obvious he's trying not to explode with anger: "You... you CREAMED it! You—you— NINNY!!"
- "No Sweat":
- Col. Potter's sleep-medication-induced rambling anecdote about prickly heat... over the PA system while Margaret, who has that condition and wants to keep quiet about it, is trying to explain the situation delicately. What she didn't know is that Klinger, who's taking a correspondence course in TV and radio repair, has finally reassembled and reactivated the PA system after dismantling it overnight for practice. When she finally hears the rest of the camp laughing and realizes why:Houlihan: Wait a minute, is this stupid PA on? Klinger, you idiot!!
Klinger: Major, no! It took me 3 hours to fix this thing- (SMASH)
- With the ultimate follow-up: the next morning, Potter - who has no idea that he did anything last night but take a sleeping pill and go to sleep, walks into the mess tent where Margaret, who is still unable to sit down, is waiting.Potter: At ease, Margaret!
Houlihan: [Death Glare]
- Col. Potter's sleep-medication-induced rambling anecdote about prickly heat... over the PA system while Margaret, who has that condition and wants to keep quiet about it, is trying to explain the situation delicately. What she didn't know is that Klinger, who's taking a correspondence course in TV and radio repair, has finally reassembled and reactivated the PA system after dismantling it overnight for practice. When she finally hears the rest of the camp laughing and realizes why:
- "No Laughing Matter" involves a frustrated Hawkeye being told by B.J. that he's insecure about life and needs to constantly make jokes. Stewing over it for a night, Hawkeye makes a bet that he can go one full day without riffing. Though we don't get to see the majority of Hawkeye's day during the bet, the finale where a visiting VIP is accused of trying to make advances of Maj. Houlihan has Hawkeye trying desperately to hold every joke he's wanted to make all day in.
- "Oh, How We Danced" has Hawkeye blackmailing an infantry commander who assaulted Winchester with an over-the-top impersonation on the phone, complete with an outrageous imitation of Winchester's accent and Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness. Among other things, he uses the word "sidacious", then heads off B.J. and Klinger's questioning looks by covering the receiver with his hand and admitting that he just made it up. To cap it all off, he demands "AN harmonica", leading B.J. and Klinger to look at each other and silently mouth those words. After he hangs up, he leaves with a spot-on imitation of Charles's "Gentlemen..."
- From that same episode, a Korean offers to teach Karate to Charles in case the same infantry commander thinks of attacking him again. Charles goes full Large Ham on the motions and shouting when he does indeed encounter the commander again and ends up scaring him off after breaking a chair with his foot, then cries out and holds his foot in pain after the commander's gone.
- In "Bottoms Up", B.J. pulls a prank on Hawkeye and Charles that involves Charles frequently getting pantsed and Hawkeye getting the blame and almost turned into a camp pariah.
- Initially, Hawkeye assumes the prank is a two-man operation; a fake patient is brought into the O.R. and is commandeered by Charles, only for Hawkeye to pull the strings on Charles' trousers so that they fall to his ankles. However, not only is Hawkeye the only person who laughs, but everyone else gives him Death Glares (Potter says he has "pole-vaulted" over the "fine line between fun and imbecility",note while Margaret says, "Trust Pierce to do something so tasteless!") - leading his partner in pranking, B.J., to pretend he isn't involved. Later in the mess tent, Hawkeye finds himself an outcast, while Charles milks the camp's sympathy for him for every drop:[as Hawkeye enters the mess tent, everyone present begins booing and jeering]
Hawkeye: [smiles and waves sarcastically] Please, please, you're too kind. [walks over to Father Mulcahy, who is standing by the coffee urn] Father, what would you think about giving these people a refresher course in "Thou shalt not kill"? [Mulcahy pointedly avoids eye contact with Hawkeye] Father? [Mulcahy finally turns to Hawkeye with an "I'm not speaking to you" expression] Oh, no, not you too!
Mulcahy: Captain Pierce... having heard about the callous prank you played on poor Major Winchester I choose not to speak to you. For if I did, I would tell you you are a goon and a blockheaded bozo! But as a man of God, I'm above name-calling...
Hawkeye: [exasperated] Oh. Yes.
Mulcahy: Good day. [sweeps off]
[Charles enters the mess tent to cheers and applause]
Charles: [smiles and waves as he walks over to the food trays] Thank you, everybody. Thank you. That's very kind.
Hawkeye: Okay, Charles. Let's get this settled.
Charles: [taking a tray] Settled?
Hawkeye: Settled. Let's get it settled. Get even with me. [Igor serves Charles some peas and a slice of bread] Right here, in front of everybody. Here. [spoons some stew onto Charles' tray] Come on. Dump a tray of food all over me. Or - worse, make me eat it.
Charles: Pierce, I could never do anything so insensitive.
Hawkeye: Sure you can, it's easy. Come on. Get your revenge. Tit for tat and all that.
Charles: [as Igor continues to spoon food onto his tray] I bear you no malice, old fella.
Hawkeye: What a rotten thing to say.
Charles: Oh, Pierce, I understand you. I studied a bit of child psychology, you know. [over the following, Hawkeye looks at Igor, who nods in agreement with Charles] And I have nothing but- we must all have compassion for- ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse! I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown, but rather... pity him. [everyone applauds as Charles heads to a table]
Hawkeye: [as Igor continues applauding] Will you stop!? [swats Igor on the arm]
- So Hawkeye comes up with a fake revenge prank: he and B.J. invite Charles for a drink in the Officers' Club, and Hawkeye plans to ensure that his own chair is covered with glue. The camp will decide Charles is now even with Hawkeye and forget the prank war. But things don't go as planned...Klinger: [as the Swampmen enter the Officers' Club] Hi, guys.
Klinger: Your table's right over there.
B.J.: Thank you, Max. Oh, don't forget. This is on Mr. Pierce's tab. He's the lanky fellow with the egg on his face.
Hawkeye: [to Margaret as he passes her table] Would you like to join us?
Margaret: Oh, no, thanks. I caught your matinee performance in O.R. I'll be in my tent. [picks up the change on her table and leaves]
Hawkeye: [as the Swampmen reach their table] Okay. Good. [to B.J.] You sit there. [to Charles, who is about to sit in the chair meant for Hawkeye] Uh - no! No! Uh, no. Why don't you sit over here, Charles?
Charles: [immediately suspicious] Why?
Charles: What possible difference could it make where I sit?
Hawkeye: Because... you know, well, you saw that ugly mob before. I gotta keep my back to the wall.
Charles: Oh, yeah, well, that's quite understandable. The survival instinct is strong in the lower species. [sits down]
Hawkeye: [sits down and feigns surprise] Oh... my... what has happened? I'm... [stands up... and his fake surprise turns to confusion] not stuck to my chair.
Charles: Oh. [looks down at his chair] Uh... I suddenly feel as though there is something... very wrong... down there.
Hawkeye: No... no!...
Charles: [icily] Oh, my scheming friend... now I understand why you so carefully ushered me to this chair.
B.J.: Hawkeye, I don't believe you! Enough is enough!
Hawkeye: Charles, I swear! There's been a mistake!
Charles: Oh, oh, indeed, there has - but it was mine. Oh, h-h-honestly... in believing for the briefest moment that you were actually a civilised human being! [he stands up, his chair stuck to his backside, prompting loud groans from the patrons of the Officers' Club, and walks over to the bar] Max! Give me a knife!
Klinger: Major, don't! It's not worth it!
Charles: [glares at Klinger] For my pants.
Charles: [groans and sits down as Klinger gets a knife and begins cutting the seams on his trousers] Attention! Attention, all personnel! [chuckles] It would appear that old Doc Funnypants is at it again, and once again, I am the butt of his joke. [boos from the other patrons] Please, please, please. We must all remember that the poor man is demented. He's obviously suffering from a fanny fetish! [smirks as the other patrons laugh and applaud] Thank you all very much. You are indeed a source of inspiration during these di- [gasps as Klinger's knife gets dangerously close to his crotch] di-i-ifficult... times. I assure you: I shall endure. [rips away what remains of his trousers and stands up as the Officers' Club patrons cheer and applaud] Thank you, Max. Thank you. [heads to the door] Klinger, I will need another pair of trousers. [laughs] Perhaps, uh, several. [laughter from the other patrons] No telling how often I'll be torpedoed by Rear Admiral Pierce! [gives Hawkeye a mock salute] Thank you. [exits to more applause]
Hawkeye: It was supposed to be this chair!
B.J.: This is getting pretty embarrassing, you know. If you plan any more stupidity, just plan it alone. [he storms off as the other patrons begin jeering and pelting Hawkeye with pretzels]
- With B.J. out as his co-conspirator, Hawkeye tries to recruit Klinger's help in staging a prank with himself as the victim, but Klinger is confused when Hawkeye says the glue-covered chair was meant for him and not Charles... as B.J. told him to switch the chairs. Hawkeye then tells an initially dubious Charles that B.J. is the true mastermind behind the pantsings, and they fire back in grand style: they strip B.J. while he's asleep, stick him and his cot in the nurses' tent and nail his blanket to the cot so that he can't use it to cover up. Then they fake an announcement of incoming wounded to ensure that B.J. comes outside, where Hawkeye and Charles are lying in wait with an audience of nurses and enlisted, and a camera to capture it all for posterity.
- Initially, Hawkeye assumes the prank is a two-man operation; a fake patient is brought into the O.R. and is commandeered by Charles, only for Hawkeye to pull the strings on Charles' trousers so that they fall to his ankles. However, not only is Hawkeye the only person who laughs, but everyone else gives him Death Glares (Potter says he has "pole-vaulted" over the "fine line between fun and imbecility",note while Margaret says, "Trust Pierce to do something so tasteless!") - leading his partner in pranking, B.J., to pretend he isn't involved. Later in the mess tent, Hawkeye finds himself an outcast, while Charles milks the camp's sympathy for him for every drop:
- From "Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye", Hawkeye breaks up an argument between a Turkish patient and his commanding officer, who is convinced the man shot himself in the foot in order to get taken off the front lines (surprisingly, the soldier didn't shoot himself, which is a switch from when it normally comes up). When the argument escalates, the officer pulls out his pistol and is preparing to shoot the patient then and there for cowardice. Hawkeye and Winchester hustle the officer out of the tent, we hear a struggle and a shot. After a tense pause, Hawkeye and Winchester carry the limping officer back into the tent, saying, "Now, see, that's what a self-inflicted gunshot wound looks like..."
- Near the end of "Wheelers and Dealers", Charles, Margaret, Father Mulcahy and Hawkeye find Klinger - who has just gone through a several day marathon session of filling out laundry inventory forms and helping Potter cram for a driving test (the CO having been caught speeding and sent to Sgt. Rizzo's remedial driving school) - asleep in the mess tent, face-first in his breakfast.Hawkeye: Waiter, there's a clerk in these eggs!
Charles: I knew one day this food would claim a life!
- "Communication Breakdown": Charles offends the rest of the camp over an allegedly stolen newspaper. An anonymous prankster or pranksters then proceeds to steal first Charles' bathrobe while he's in the shower then later all of his clothes and belongings. Charles ties the main support pole of the Mess Tent to a Jeep with the intent of bringing it down on top of everyone inside but he's stopped at the last minute by Potter, who sets Charles straight about what really happened to his missing paper. Potter then proceeds to grab Charles by the ear like a naughty child and drag him to the office, and forces him to get on the P.A. system to make a public apology.
- In a particularly well directed shot, Winchester (in a too-short kabuki robe replacing his stolen bathrobe) jumps in the jeep and looks up to see Potter standing directly in front of the jeep giving a withering Death Glare that stops him in his tracks. Potter climbs directly over the hood of the jeep and literally shoves the evidence of Winchester's mistake in his face.Potter: Before you take that tent for a spin, Major, read this!
- And the payoff - at no point did the jeep get untied. So when Klinger exits the tent - leaving only Winchester inside - he sees the jeep, makes a comment about people parking anywhere they please, and drives off in it - collapsing the tent on Winchester.
- In a particularly well directed shot, Winchester (in a too-short kabuki robe replacing his stolen bathrobe) jumps in the jeep and looks up to see Potter standing directly in front of the jeep giving a withering Death Glare that stops him in his tracks. Potter climbs directly over the hood of the jeep and literally shoves the evidence of Winchester's mistake in his face.
- "Snappier Judgment" as Winchester prepares a legal defense for Klinger who is being court-martialed for theft. They speak to Father Mulcahy who praises Klinger for getting a supplies of Bibles seemingly out of nowhere. It turns out the Bibles in question are from the Gideons, which are typical placed in hotels, which means Klinger likely stole the Bibles from several hotels. At this, Mulcahy can only roar in indignation:Mulcahy: Klinger, hot Bibles?!
- From "Pressure Points", after Charles has enough of cleaning up after Hawkeye and B.J., he goes full slob. Eventually, they get sick of the mess and start cleaning. Hawkeye is holding a magazine/dustpan while B.J. sweeps dirt onto it when Charles comes in and throws a piece of trash on the floor. Hawkeye then deposits the contents in Charles' bunk. This begins a long sequence of each side destroying or dirtying the other's stuff. They do this so calmly, not saying a word or trying to stop each other, or even reacting much at all other than to take turns performing more and more outlandish acts of destruction as an audience gathers to watch. The best moment is when Charles takes Hawkeye's mattress and launches it through the wall of the tent. When Klinger goes to get Potter, the old man's only reaction?Potter: I think that bunk would look better on top of Winchester's desk.
Klinger: ...Is that all, sir?
Potter: No, one more thing. [eyes the feathers lying around the room from when Hawkeye and B.J. ripped open Charles' pillow] Order a new pillow.
- "Sons and Bowlers" has this exchange toward the beginning about a softball game the 4077th just lost to a team of Marines:Margaret: Colonel, nobody wants to win more than I do, but don't get yourself upset, it's only a game.
Potter: You cost us the game! [Margaret gasps in outrage] It's that skylark attitude of yours that got you thrown out at home plate!
Hawkeye: [tiredly] Colonel, we lost 24 to 4.
Potter: She killed a rally!
B.J.: [half-heartedly] Murderer.
- From "Trick or Treatment," Charles doesn't have a lot of patience for people who do stupid things that require medical attention, so he turns his snarking Up to Eleven and becomes a master Troll when dealing with a Marine who got a pool ball stuck in his mouth.
- The entire episode "The Joker is Wild". After accepting a dare from Hawkeye, who had been unfavorably comparing B.J.'s pranking ability to his old friend Trapper's earlier, B.J. proceeds to play an elaborate prank on him. He wagers that he can prank the other six regular characters - Hawkeye, Potter, Margaret, Charles, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy - in under 24 hours, and if he succeeds, the prank victims must stand on a table and perform a striptease while singing "You're the Tops"; if he fails, he will perform the same forfeit. The next day is anything but ordinary...
- Hawkeye is woken by a blood-curdling scream from Charles, whom he sees attacking a snake in his cot with a golf club. The major confronts B.J. and then disposes of the snake while Klinger summons the three Swampmen to Potter's tent. As they head over, we get this gem from Charles...Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits, and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray that you will turn to me so that I can laugh in your face.
- The conversation is interrupted by Potter screaming "Sweet Mother Macree! I think I'm gonna die!" They race over to his tent, where he says he was brushing his teeth and suddenly bubbles started coming out of his nose; Charles sniffs his toothpaste and shaving cream tubes and says someone has spiked the former with the latter. Potter takes it in stride, then says he needs a volunteer to swap places with a doctor at the 8063rd; Charles volunteers to get "out of the line of seltzer fire". Later, in the Post Op Ward, Victim #3 enters in a rage...Hawkeye: [as Margaret enters the ward] Morning, Margaret.
Margaret: Buzz off! [storms over to B.J.] You!... [lowers her voice to a whisper] Doctor Fink! Over here!
B.J.: [following Margaret to the edge of the room, out of earshot of the patients] Hi, Margaret, how the heck are ya?
Margaret: You jerkface, you lousemouth!
B.J.: Aw, you're just saying that.
Hawkeye: What's the matter, what did he do now?
Margaret: [unfolding her silk bathrobe and putting it on over her clothes] I put this on, and I went to take a shower. Needless to say, I wasn't wearing my fatigues at the time. I only took a few steps out of doors when suddenly things got chilly. Here's why! [turns around to reveal the seat has been cut out of her robe]
B.J.: [smirking] Gee, Margaret, you look like you could use a bun warmer!
Margaret: [turns to give B.J. a Death Glare] Shut up, you lowlife! I turned and ran back into my tent, but not before hearing a chorus of whistles, catcalls, and one marriage proposal!
- Later, in the mess tent, the ever more paranoid Hawkeye becomes convinced Igor has partnered with B.J. in a Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo when he talks up the peas and carrots and says the beans are unfit for human consumption, so he helps himself to B.J.'s lunch instead. Father Mulcahy chides Hawkeye for being a stick in the mud, then takes a forkful of food...Mulcahy: [grabs his throat and begins turning bright red] Argh!... Hot!... Hot!...
Hawkeye: You are the lowest!
Mulcahy: Water!... [points to the jug between Hawkeye and B.J.]
B.J.: Me? What did I do?
Hawkeye: Look at him, you poisoned a priest!
Hawkeye: I cannot believe you could be so insensitive. [Mulcahy finally leans over the table, grabs the jug, and gulps directly from it] I just can't believe it.
Mulcahy: [wipes off his mouth] B.J.... B.J., you crumb!
B.J.: Father, if you'd want some water,note why didn't you just ask? [Mulcahy sputters in disgust, slams down the jug, and storms out of the mess tent]
- Klinger rigs the doors of his office with mess tins and other metal objects that clatter noisily when the doors are opened as part of his determination not to become Victim #5. However, as Hawkeye exits and heads back to the Swamp, there is a huge explosion, and Hawkeye races back into the office to find a fire burning in the file cabinet which he helps Klinger extinguish before being ordered out by the terrified clerk, who declares Hawkeye a "walking time bomb" (an assessment not helped by a grinning B.J. looking through the window of the post-op doors and holding up a single finger to signify that Hawkeye is the only prank victim left). By this point, Hawkeye is so paranoid he ends up surrounding his cot with barbed wire fencing and keeping a golf club at the ready, refusing to sleep.
- The next morning, a sleepy, hungry Hawkeye shows up for breakfast with B.J. and his five victims and starts gloating. However, the others reveal they were actually in on it the entire time. Hawkeye was the only target. His expression when the The Reveal happens is priceless. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- Hawkeye is woken by a blood-curdling scream from Charles, whom he sees attacking a snake in his cot with a golf club. The major confronts B.J. and then disposes of the snake while Klinger summons the three Swampmen to Potter's tent. As they head over, we get this gem from Charles...
- In "Settling Debts", after leading the planning session for the party to celebrate the final payment of the mortgage on the Potters' house, Hawkeye closes with the unforgettable "We will now leave one by one according to order of departure."
- Plus, the conflict? Potter believes that his wife bought a houseboat, and throws an out and out tantrum about it because he doesn't want to go to Florida, because no one over the age of 60 should be taking scuba classes and he shrivels up in bright sunlight. He is absurdly upset about this.
- Although it may have a Heartwarming conclusion, the B plot of "Say No More" in which Margaret gets laryngitis just before she is due to meet Steven Chesler, an ER doctor she greatly admires but whom Charles dismisses as a quack, is full of funny moments.
- Margaret walks into the mess tent for breakfast the day after giving herself a home permanent, to the admiration of many men present, but then gets a nasty surprise (besides the usual ones) when she walks up to the breakfast table:[as Margaret enters the tent, several men wolf-whistle]
Corpsman: Good morning, Major Monroe!
Igor: [fanning himself] Hel-LO, Madame! It will be my great privilege to serve you breakfast! We just got a fresh shipment of Wheaties, how about a heaping bowlful? [holds up a bowl]
Margaret: [smiles] Well- [is shocked to hear her voice come out as a strangled rasp; she tries coughing to clear her throat] Well- [no improvement; she coughs again, but it still doesn't help, and she grabs her throat] Hahh...
Igor: Major, I feel the same way about the food here, but this is all we got.
Margaret: [throws down her tray and shoots Igor a Death Glare] Idiot!... [struggling to get the words out] I need- um- I need a doc- [runs over to the table near the door, where Charles and Father Mulcahy are having breakfast]
Mulcahy: Good morning, Major! If you don't mind my saying so, hubba hubba!
Margaret: [smiles politely at Mulcahy, then turns to Charles, who is pointedly ignoring her] Muh... Muh... Char... [she pounds the table]
Charles: Ahh! Margaret! Can't you just say "good morning" as civilised people do!? [he turns back to his breakfast, but Margaret grabs his arm, then points at her throat and then over to the building housing the exam rooms while groaning] It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play Charades. [turns back to his breakfast again; Margaret groans again and pounds the table]
Mulcahy: Uh, Doctor, I think you're being paged. [Margaret nods and points at her throat and the exam room again, still unable to get a coherent word out]
Charles: May I at least finish my Wheaties? [Margaret grabs Charles and drags him out of the mess tent] Margaret!... What is wrong?...
- Charles examines Margaret and delivers an unwelcome diagnosis - and some even more unwelcome editorial comments:Charles: [removes the reflector disc from his forehead after examining Margaret's throat] It would appear that last night's unfortunate meeting between your wet head and the chill air has resulted in a rather nasty case of laryngitis.
Margaret: [shoulders sag; speaking in a hoarse whisper] No!... The lecture...
Charles: Lecture?... ohh, that silly talk in Seoul by this quack you've been drooling over.
Margaret: Must go there.
Charles: So, go! Last I knew, the only thing you needed for a lecture were ears, yours look fine to me. [pushes her hair away from her ears]
Margaret: [angrily smacks Charles' hand away] No! I...
Margaret: Meeting Dr. Chesler after... personally.
Charles: [smirking] Really! I thought this was merely a medical sabbatical.
Margaret: [glares at Charles and punches his upper arm] It IS! [sighs] I've admired the doctor for years. Heard he was coming here. I wrote him.
Charles: Fan mail to a physician! [chuckles] That's cute!
Margaret: Never expected a reply. He wrote... saying how impressed he is with my ideas of triage. He wants to meet me. ME!
Charles: Well, well, well. It would appear that your current affliction wouldn't make any difference. Your starry-eyed admiration for the good doctor would have left you speechless anyway!
Margaret: [grabs Charles by the shoulders; through clenched teeth] Winchester, voice gone, fists fine. [holds one up to illustrate]
- When Chesler's plans change, Margaret is forced to recruit a still reluctant Charles to act as her voice for a phone conversation:[Margaret is in her tent gargling]
Klinger: [over PA] Attention, Major Houlihan! You have a telephone call from a Dr. Steven Chesler in Seoul! [Margaret's eyes bulge and she quickly spits out the mouthwash] Please hurry, I can't tie up the phone long! [Margaret quickly puts a coat on over her bathrobe; cut to the Swamp, where Charles is sleeping and B.J. is grooming himself]
B.J.: [Margaret bursts through the door carrying a pad and pencil and hurries over to Charles' cot] What a pleasant surprise, it's Harpo! Love your outfit. [Margaret hisses at Charles, trying to rouse him, but he is fast asleep] Sometimes a grenade in his jammies does the trick! [Margaret writes on the pad and shakes Charles, holding the pad in front of his face]
Charles: [finally wakes up] Hmm? What do you want with me now? [cut to Klinger's office; Charles is on the phone as Margaret stands next to him] Dr. Chesler! Well! This is indeed a... phone call. I am Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester, perhaps you are familiar with my work?... [Margaret rolls her eyes] Oh. Well, I'm in... [shoots Margaret an impatient look] the Boston Yellow Pages.note Ah, I'm speaking on behalf of Major Houlihan, who is here with me, but who is unfortunately suffering from a rather severe case of laryngitis. However... [Margaret puts the pad down on the desk in front of Charles] she wanted me, er, to tell you, er, how much she's looking... foodward...
Margaret: No! [taps the pad]
Charles: Sorry, forward, to your lecture. Ah. She's always felt that you are the... [reads the pad again and gets a disgusted look; Margaret taps the pad again] er... greatest surgeon... in the wood. [Margaret groans and points to the word again] World! Sorry, in the world. ... Don't... thank me, believe me, those are... her words. ... Oh, yes?... yes, I'll tell her. Just, just, just a moment. [puts the receiver against his shoulder] Dr. Chesler has had to change his plans suddenly, he must return to the States immediately and he's been forced to cancel his lecture.
Margaret: [groans] NO!...
Charles: However... if you can be in Seoul by 11 tomorrow morning, he will be honored to have a meeting with you at the hospital. [Margaret gets an excited look and nods; Charles speaks into the phone again] She said that'll be fine. ... Right, she'll see you then. Ah! ... Oh, thank you! [grimaces as he hangs up the phone]
- Margaret walks into the mess tent for breakfast the day after giving herself a home permanent, to the admiration of many men present, but then gets a nasty surprise (besides the usual ones) when she walks up to the breakfast table:
- From the Grand Finale, "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen":
- One final rant from Hawkeye:Hawkeye: I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.
- The four words you'd never, in a million years, think you would hear out of Klinger's mouth: "I'm staying in Korea."
- Klinger leading up to his proposal to Soon-Lee:Klinger: Remember when I told you that I used to wear dresses to try and get out of the Army?
Klinger: Well, I saved a couple of 'em, I brought one over.
Soon-Lee: Oh, good, I always wanted to see you in one!
- Hawkeye and Margaret's kiss that goes on... and on... and on, while Potter, B.J. and Charles stand awkwardly and try to look anywhere else. Colonel Potter's reaction in particular is hilarious. Charles has a Funny Background Event as he starts reading from the book he was giving to Margaret - one he didn't even like - and is several pages in by the time the kiss finally ends.
- One final rant from Hawkeye: