- At the start of the film, a rather serious, lengthy, "hell-yes" quote about Korea from MacArthur scrolls past while Hawkeye emerges from the officers' latrine at the depot... and is quickly followed by a quote from Eisenhower, completely out of context, simply saying, "I will go to Korea."
- At the beginning of the film, Hawkeye — after getting yelled at by an African American motor pool sergeant — whispers under his breath, "racist".
- After newly-arrived Major Houlihan gets her first taste of Hawkeye's personality:Houlihan: I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps?
Father Mulcahy: He was drafted. note
- When Burns and Houlihan are getting it on in her tent, Radar puts a microphone under her cot and hooks it up to the radio outside Henry's office.
- Father Mulcahy sees the crowd gathered around the radio and asks if he can join them. The collective facial expressions of the other "audience members", all of which amount to "Um, well, actually Padre, that might not be a good idea...", are hilarious, as is Mulcahy's expression when it dawns on him that they are not, in fact, listening to an episode of The Battling Bickersons,note at which point he says he forgot... something and beats a hasty retreat.
- Eventually, the "audience" decide to share the experience with the entire camp, and so the rest of the camp gets to hear some... interesting things broadcast over the P.A. system.Houlihan: Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!note
Hawkeye: (listening) Dr. Frank Burns is doing a bit of dilatation and curettage.
- The next morning, Vollmer tells a returning Henry that "there was nothing [he] could do about it" (meaning the radio broadcast of Burns and Houlihan's tryst)... but as he doesn't bother to explain what "it" is, Henry has no idea what he's talking about and simply says it can't be helped.
- After Frank Burns attacks Hawkeye and gets hauled away in a straitjacket:Duke: Colonel, fair's fair. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?
- When Painless tells the others that he's been experiencing...performance issues and intends to commit suicide, everyone in his tent instantly starts throwing out suggestions (while Murrhardt asks if he can have the dentist's record player).Hawkeye: Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you plan to do it? Uh, .45 between the eyes?
Trapper: Oh, that's awful sloppy.
Murrhardt: It's reliable, though.
- To try and get Painless to end his life at peace with God (having given him a non-fatal black capsule), Hawkeye recreates The Last Supper◊.
- Henry heads off potential trouble from the higher-ups:Gen. Hammond: By the way, I have a report here, Henry, from your chief nurse, Major Houlihan. She makes some accusations, Henry, that I find very hard to believe.
Henry: Well, don't believe 'em, then. Thank you, General, goodbye. (hangs up)
- In the climactic football game, the 4077th discover that they're not the only team with a ringer, as the 325th Evac have a running back nicknamed Superbug who played for the Los Angeles Rams before he was drafted into the military. Rather than put Spearchucker in before they're ready, they take Superbug out of the game by giving him an injection (though not before swabbing the injection site with alcohol - they're still medical professionals!) that makes him believe he is in a track meet, not a football game. When the officials fire the gun to end the first half, he sets himself up on imaginary starting blocks and charges straight into the 325th's cheerleaders.
- Major Houlihan may be a good nurse, but what she knows about football would fit comfortably on a postage stamp, as we see when she organises the other nurses as a cheerleading squad for the big game.
- In the third quarter, a red flag is thrown onto the field:Houlihan: [ecstatic] Look! A red flag, we've got a red flag! [leads the other nurses in a cheer]
Henry: HOT LIPS!... It's a penalty, you blithering idiot!
- As the players re-group, Judson suddenly starts attacking the #88 player on the 325th Evac team:Henry: [through his megaphone] JUDSON! Get off of him, you'll be thrown out of the game!
Houlihan: [bounding over the bench between Henry and Radar] JUDSON, KILL HIM!
- Judson tells Spearchucker that #88 called him a racial slur. Spearchucker says this was just a deliberate attempt to provoke Judson into getting himself thrown out of the game, and he suggests Judson return fire: #88 has a sister called Blanche with, it appears, a dubious reputation. We don't hear what Judson says to #88, but no sooner have the players lined up on the line of scrimmage than #88 starts chasing after Judson in a rage, getting himself ejected. Since Judson is wearing #69, Houlihan leads the other nurses in the film's most quoted line:
- As the game gets under way again, the gun is fired to signify the end of the third quarter.Houlihan: Oh my God! They shot him!!
Henry: [sighing] Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop, it's the end of the quarter...
- In the third quarter, a red flag is thrown onto the field:
open/close all folders
- In "To Market, to Market", Hawkeye and Trapper promise Henry's new antique solid oak desk to black market dealer Charlie Lee in exchange for much-needed medical supplies - without consulting Henry first. In the episode's climax, Henry has discovered the theft and watches dumbfounded with Frank as a helicopter carries it away, and Hawkeye and Trapper join him:Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, uh... isn't that your desk?
Henry: [still not quite taking in what he is seeing] Yep. That's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry: I dunno what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up, up, up...
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place I'm sure.
- In "Chief Surgeon Who?":
- After another tense OR session, Radar brings Henry a report from Frank Burns, to which Henry reacts with his usual disgust - out loud, unaware that Frank has entered while he has been reading:Henry: [as Radar hands him the report] Where do I sign?
Radar: Sir, I'd read that very carefully, it's from Major Burns, he's right outside in the hall.
Henry: Well, tell him I'm not in!
Radar: Yes, sir. [he heads for the door, but Frank enters the office before he can get there; Henry is facing the back wall and shakes his head as he reads] Sir?
Henry: Frank Burns has to be the biggest horse's patoot on this post.
Frank: [unamused] You think so? [Henry turns around slowly as Radar hums innocently and points to Frank with a rubber stamp]
Henry: Frank. Dismissed.
Radar: [to Frank] You heard him, sir.
Frank: [angrily] He's talking to you! [Radar makes a swift exit]
- The report includes charges Frank wants to press against Hawkeye:Henry: You seriously wanna press these charges, Frank?
Frank: You bet I do.
Henry: [sitting down and reading] "Insubordination". "Failure to salute a superior officer".
Frank: I'm a major, Pierce is a captain. He's never saluted me once.
Henry: Frank, the nearest thing to a salute on this post is the camp mutt scratching the fleas behind his ears! [Frank is unmoved; Henry scoffs and goes back to reading] "Lack of military courtesy: Captain Pierce constantly calls me by my first name."
Frank: Not allowed, Henry, Page 85, Army Officer's Guide.
Henry: You honestly want him to call you "Major Burns"!?
Frank: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders! [points to one]
Henry: And I've got dimples on my butt! None of that means anything here, Frank!
- Hawkeye shows up to answer the "charges" against him - in his bathrobe. Frank gets uppity when Henry names Hawkeye chief surgeon:Henry: [after breaking up a near altercation between Hawkeye and Frank] Now this can't continue.
Hawkeye: Why don't you sell me to the Red Sox?
Henry: I'd love to. But what I obviously need to do is appoint a chief surgeon.
Frank: Now you're talking.
Henry: He'll be in charge of all surgical situations. In addition to his own work, he'll assist each shift. To help out with the really tough cases. The job'll be a killer.
Frank: I can adjust.
Henry: I hope you can: I'm giving it to Pierce.
Hawkeye: [unenthusiastic] Oh, thanks.
Frank: What? You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry: Frank, the one thing that'll get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
Frank: Well, what about rank!?
Hawkeye: Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
- Later on, Frank and Margaret get General Barker to come to the camp, hoping to get Hawkeye replaced by Frank as chief surgeon. Hawkeye proves that he is capable, first by delaying a surgery until the patient has been given some blood so that he won't die during the operation, then by spotting a perforation in the lung that everyone else missed by some telltale bubbles.Gen. Barker: I'm impressed.
Hawkeye: So am I!
- After Hawkeye proves that he might be a nut, but he's also a highly capable surgeon, General Barker admits that he does have what it takes to be Chief Surgeon. Henry points out that Frank won't let it go.Gen. Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
Col. Blake: Yes sir.
Gen. Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
Trapper: With full pack.
Gen. Barker: Good touch.
- While he's looking for Henry, one of the people that General Barker meets is Klinger in his usual getup. Barker snarks at Klinger about him "[s]till trying to get out on a psycho", and Klinger replies that he'll just have to try harder before skipping away. Later, on his way out, Barker, Hawkeye, and Henry encounter Klinger again - and this time, he's naked.
- After another tense OR session, Radar brings Henry a report from Frank Burns, to which Henry reacts with his usual disgust - out loud, unaware that Frank has entered while he has been reading:
- "Yankee Doodle Doctor":
- Many of Hawkeye's one-liners, like this one used as a rebuttal to Frank's usual show of disgust.Frank Burns: Why you... you...!
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?
- Hawkeye and Trapper are so disgusted by the Manipulative Editing used in the film in the episode's title to make the war seem more romantic and heroic than it really is that they expose the reels to light and persuade Henry to let them re-shoot it from scratch. The results are, unsurprisingly, hilariously irreverent,note and Frank's earnest narration just provides the icing on the cake.
- After an introduction from General Clayton (which is overenthusiastically applauded by Henry, Frank, and Margaret), Hawkeye and Trapper's contribution begins, with assistance from Radar, Lt. Cutler, and various other nurses and corpsmen...[over an establishing shot of the camp]
Frank: [narrating] This is the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital somewhere in Korea. [the camera cuts to two nurses passing Hawkeye, Radar, and Trapper holding up a blanket with "MASH 4077th" written on it] Not a very attractive military post, mainly because the men of the 4077th have no time for anything but the vital work they do. [Hawkeye and Trapper drop the blanket to reveal they are not wearing trousers, while Radar is just wearing boxer shorts and boots; they strike various bodybuilder poses as the nurses roll their eyes, shake their heads, and walk off]
Hawkeye: [as the audience members roar with laughter while Cutler pinches Radar's cheek] Hey, Radar! Hey. Beautiful.
Henry: [to General Clayton, sheepishly] Just a little medical school humour, sir.
Clayton: [not buying it] Uh-huh.
- The film then switches to a Marx Brothers pastiche, with Hawkeye (as Groucho) sporting slicked back hair, glasses, a greasepaint moustache, and a prop cigar, while Trapper (as Harpo) wears a trenchcoat with Hammerspace pockets and a hat and carries a bicycle horn:Frank: [narrating over footage of two corpsmen carrying Radar out of the back of an ambulance on a stretcher] Men at the 4077th are on 24-hour duty, always ready to receive those GIs who need medical help.
[Hawkeye and Trapper exit the pre-op ward dressed and acting like Groucho and Harpo Marx, respectively]
Cutler: Doctor! Doctor! Can you give him a hand?
Hawkeye: I'd rather give you one.
Radar: Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
Hawkeye: I certainly am.
Trapper: [pulls a face and honks his bicycle horn as he moves his stethoscope up and down Radar's body]
Trapper: [in mess tent] Radar, you're terrific.
Hawkeye: [giggling] Just look at these guys!
Radar: Shh, shh.
Radar: [on screen] Gosh, I'm glad they brought me here.
Hawkeye: Wait a minute. Have you got a reservation?
Radar: A reservation!?
Hawkeye: I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Year's.
Trapper: [continues pulling faces and honking his bicycle horn as he moves his stethoscope around Radar's body]
Radar: But Doctor!...
Hawkeye: I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well. [Radar puts his hand to his cheek and gives the camera an exaggerated look of surprise as he is loaded back into the ambulance]
Clayton: [as the rest of the audience laughs] What the hell was that?
- The scene switches to OR, and the Marx Brothers homage continues...Frank: [narrating as Radar, now with a moustache drawn on his lip with eyebrow pencil, is carried into the OR on another stretcher] Brave men struggle in a makeshift operating room while the dogs of war bark at the very door.
Cutler: [running into the OR] Heads up, everybody! Yankee Doodle Doctor's coming! [Radar lifts his head and smiles] Lucky. [pinches Radar's cheek]
Trapper: [enters, honking his bicycle horn]
Hawkeye: [entering with Trapper] Nurse, is that patient prepared for surgery?
Cutler: Yes, Doctor.
Hawkeye: Well, I'm certainly glad one of us is.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn again]
Hawkeye: Tell me something. Did you take his pulse?
Cutler: Yes, Doctor.
Hawkeye: I told you to take his wallet. First things first.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn again]
Hawkeye: Let me have a scalpel. [Trapper undoes the belt of his trenchcoat and starts digging into the pockets] Don't get undressed. Just give me a scalpel. [Trapper hands him a rubber chicken] That's not a scalpel. [tosses it aside; Trapper hands him a rubber hammer] Well, that's not a scalpel. [tosses it aside; Trapper hands him a saw and whistles] Now, that's what I call a scalpel.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn]
Hawkeye: [to Radar as he puts the blunt side of the saw against his body] If this hurts, you'll be the first one to know.
Nurse: But, Doctor, what about the anaesthesia?
Hawkeye: No, thank you. I prefer to be awake through this. [Radar sits up on the table; Hawkeye turns to Trapper] Give him some anaesthesia. [Trapper hits Radar with a mallet, making a comedy "boing!" sound; Radar falls unconscious] Try not to laugh, you're unconscious. You'll be a better man for this, my friend. [starts "sawing"] We'll just spare the tree. [stops sawing] Well, that's enough of that. [tosses the saw aside] I think it's time to do some sewing.
Cutler: Sew what?
Hawkeye: That's what I say.
[audience laughter as Clayton grimaces; cut to later, Trapper and Cutler are pretending to sew Radar closed with some twine]
Cutler: Incision closed, stitches in place. You're finished, Doctor.
Hawkeye: Yes, but who are you to remind me? Tell me nurse, would you like to hop into the oxygen tent for a little heavy breathing? [audience laughter] Uh-oh. Wait a minute. [listens to Radar's abdomen]
Cutler: Anything wrong, Doctor?
Hawkeye: I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn toward Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: [to Radar's abdomen] How dare you say that in front of a lady. Good night, folks.
Trapper: [honks his bicycle horn]
[Clayton and Margaret look increasingly dismayed]
- And Hawkeye and Trapper aren't finished:Frank: [narrating over Hawkeye and Trapper walking across the compound] And there are those rare moments when these saints in surgical garb may relax with simple, wholesome pleasure.
[as Hawkeye and Trapper enter the mess tent, they throw off their coats and join in the raucous party taking place, which includes Cutler dancing on a stage as Hawkeye joins her; in the audience, even Henry can't help laughing]
Hawkeye: [taking a ladies' shoe from a nurse and holding a bottle of champagne] Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I give you the war. [pours champagne into the shoe as the other revellers pour champagne into their combat boots, then everyone drinks] ... EUCH!
Everyone: Blecch! [they all double over and continue to make retching noises; in the audience, Henry tries to sneak away, but Clayton, without even looking at him, puts a hand on his shoulder and forces him back into his seat]
- After an introduction from General Clayton (which is overenthusiastically applauded by Henry, Frank, and Margaret), Hawkeye and Trapper's contribution begins, with assistance from Radar, Lt. Cutler, and various other nurses and corpsmen...
- Many of Hawkeye's one-liners, like this one used as a rebuttal to Frank's usual show of disgust.
- Henry's dazed reaction when a jeep is sent into his tent. "Jeep, boom, through, kill." And after the latrine he was in was blown up, all he could manage was "Boom!"
- At the climax, Henry is Alone with the Psycho and Hawkeye and Trapper find the letter he's been waiting for, which may be a "Dear John" Letter. It's coming from Reno. Turns out that's where Cowboy lives. Trapper opens the letter, reads the first two words, and silently hands it to Hawkeye. Turns out John is Cowboy's real name.Henry: (with disbelief) "Dear John from Reno"?
- In "I Hate a Mystery", Henry is turning the Swamp upside down looking for stolen property. Turning up nothing, he comes to the stove and accusingly asks Hawkeye and Trapper what's in the stovepipe, to which Trapper deadpans, "Soot, sir." Not believing him, Henry disassembles the pipe and looks into it—getting a face full of soot. It's a pretty standard slapstick cliche, but what makes it funny is Hawkeye's reaction, laughing so long and hard it's impossible not laugh with him. Radar is also obviously trying not to laugh, and even McLean Stevenson (who plays Henry) is corpsing a bit himself.
- "Dear Dad":
- Any time Colonel Blake attempted to give a lecture involving cardboard cutouts of male and female labelled A and B (in syndicated re-runs, these scenes are nearly always cut). In this episode, he fumbles his way hopelessly through a lecture about sex, reproduction, and extramarital relations.Trapper: What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married, but figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands off figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure? [laughter]
Henry: Uh... well, according to the Army, he's got to forget her.
Hawkeye: That figures.
- Father Mulcahy convinces an MP to let him handle a situation with Klinger after the Corporal knocked out Major Burns.MP: (relenting) I'm not even Catholic.
Mulcahy: (genuinely) Would you like to be?
- The bit where Trapper and Hawkeye prank Burns and Houlihan by messing with everything in their tent, particularly Houlihan's screaming as the whole tent collapses.
- Any time Colonel Blake attempted to give a lecture involving cardboard cutouts of male and female labelled A and B (in syndicated re-runs, these scenes are nearly always cut). In this episode, he fumbles his way hopelessly through a lecture about sex, reproduction, and extramarital relations.
- The whole of "Tuttle" deserves praise, where Hawkeye and Trapper essentially warp reality note by convincing the world that Tuttle exists.
- At first, the only people at the 4077th who know the name "Tuttle" are his "creators", Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar. However, Henry sees Tuttle's name on some supply requisitions, and although Radar is able to convince him that the two have met, things get complicated when Henry insists that Tuttle be made OD (Officer of the Day) instead of the always-volunteering Frank, and then Frank and Margaret, neither of whom remember meeting Tuttle, insist on seeing his personnel file. So the three co-conspirators have to forge a file in a hilarious scene:Hawkeye: Okay, now, let's see, when was he born?
Trapper: Um, how about, uh, 1924? [to Radar] That was a good year for doctors.
Hawkeye: [writes] Okay. Mother?
Trapper: Mmm... yes!
Hawkeye: [writes] Father?
Hawkeye: [writes] Harry and Frieda Tuttle. Birthplace?
Radar: Uh... hey, how about my hometown?
Hawkeye: No, they've already got enough to be proud of. How about, um...
Trapper: Battle Creek, Michigan.
Hawkeye: Yeah, that's good. That's perfect. Yeah, good. [writes] Okay. Um... uh, religion?
Trapper: Uh... atheist.
Hawkeye: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid. [starts writing]
Radar: What's that?
Hawkeye: They worship trees.
Radar: Ah, tree surgeon.
Hawkeye: [gives Radar a look as he finishes writing] Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes. All right, now, what about medical school?
Hawkeye: No, no, he can't be at any place they'll check.
Trapper: Well, how about, uh, um... Berlin Polytechnic!
Hawkeye: [grins] Perfect. Berlinisches Polytechnicum.note [writes; Radar whistles, impressed]
Trapper: [nodding] Oh!
Hawkeye: Right after he graduated from Adolf Hitler High... no, that's a bit much.
Trapper: You should write fiction.
Hawkeye: You should read my file. All right, now a little something for Hot Lips. [writing] Height: six feet four. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair: auburn. [Radar starts giggling] Eyes: hazel.
Trapper: [smiling dreamily] I think I'm in love!
- The personnel file (the physical descriptions in which, as predicted, pique Margaret's interest, to Frank's alarm) and a call to General Clayton (actually Hawkeye) do not entirely calm the two majors' suspicions, so Frank tries a counterbluff and insists to Henry that he be transferred to Tuttle's tent, claiming that Clayton asked him to look after Tuttle (whom Hawkeye-as-Clayton claimed to be engaged to the general's niece) personally, and that they "speak the same language". We are thus treated to the following:Henry: Radar, there's something going on with Major Burns.
Radar: Uh, yes, sir, with Major Houlihan. I know one guy who got pictures.
- Hawkeye and Trapper "discover" that Tuttle is owed fourteen months' back pay, and Hawkeye, posing as Tuttle to a representative from the paymaster, insists that both the back pay and all Tuttle's future pay be donated directly to Sister Theresa's orphanage. Word works its way back to General Clayton, who decides it would be good PR to recognise this act of charity publicly, although his conversation with Henry takes a while to get on rails:Radar: [entering Henry's office and picking up the phone] Colonel?
Henry: [reading a magazine] Hmm?
Radar: General Clayton.
Henry: General-!? [stuffs the magazine in his desk drawer and takes the phone as Radar leaves the office] Colonel Clayton, General Blake here, sir!
Clayton: ... steady, Henry.
Henry: Yes, sir.
Clayton: Uh, I just called to offer my congratulations.
Henry: [beaming] Well, that certainly means a lot coming from you, sir!... uh, may I ask for what?
Clayton: Well, I just got a letter from Sister Theresa.
Henry: Oh, I didn't know you had a sister!
Clayton: ... she's a nun.
Henry: Oh, you must be very proud, sir.
Clayton: [sighs in exasperation] Sister Theresa is a nun who runs an orphanage near your outfit.
Henry: Oh, well- well, I mean I don't know every nun in the, uh... it's not my habit, sir, to- uh, uh, that's not what I mean...
- Rather than try to sustain the lie in the face of ever-mounting obstacles, Hawkeye decides that since he created Tuttle, he must now destroy him, and claims at the intended commendation ceremony that Tuttle went out to do some field surgery and was killed jumping out of a helicopter without a parachute. The look of horror on his face when Henry suddenly asks him to deliver the eulogy is hilarious (as is Frank muttering to Margaret that he should give the eulogy, as he, not Hawkeye, knew Tuttle better than anyone), but then Hawkeye manages to pull it off. Such is the power of persuasion he exercises that Margaret says she'll never forget Tuttle, and Henry says he was the best OD the 4077th ever had.
- At first, the only people at the 4077th who know the name "Tuttle" are his "creators", Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar. However, Henry sees Tuttle's name on some supply requisitions, and although Radar is able to convince him that the two have met, things get complicated when Henry insists that Tuttle be made OD (Officer of the Day) instead of the always-volunteering Frank, and then Frank and Margaret, neither of whom remember meeting Tuttle, insist on seeing his personnel file. So the three co-conspirators have to forge a file in a hilarious scene:
- "The Army-Navy Game":
- Hawkeye and Frank are debating going out to examine the bomb. Trapper comes into the room.Trapper: What's the scam?
Hawkeye: We're just about to draw straws to see who goes out and defuses the bomb.
Trapper: Boy, do I know when to come into a room.
- Klinger explaining to Mulcahy about his draft board examination.Klinger: I ate the eye chart. I licked the doctor's ear. I jammed his letter opener in my heel.
Father Mulcahy: Not one of life's volunteers, are you, son?
- Henry telling Radar about his experiences with the Illinois football team.Henry: Two minutes to go. Crazy Wolensky great quarterback, only weighed 120 pounds. Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse. Anyway, Crazy snaps one off, throws a bomb to Tanker Washington. Old Tank runs it down to the Ohio State one-foot line. One foot! Can you imagine?
Radar: 12 inches.
Henry: Not 12 inches, one foot! Anyway, Tanker twisted his ankle. So, quick as a flash, thousands of eyes on me, I run across that field and tape that leg good and tight, then run off. 30 seconds to go. The ball snapped to Crazy. Crazy fakes a hand-off to Butcher Palasco, and then gives it off to Tanker. And Tanker starts off and hits the ground screaming, his face twisted with pain.
Henry: No. I taped the wrong leg.
Radar: Oh. [long pause] Was he mad?
Henry: To this day, once a year, Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light. [sighs] And he's a judge now.
- Hawkeye, Trapper, and Ugly John turn a poker game into an Absurdly High-Stakes Game. The poker chips are worth $5,000, $10,000, and $25,000...unless the bomb doesn't go off, in which case they're 25 cents, 50 cents, and a dollar.
- The utterly epic Oh, Crap! look on Trapper and Hawkeye's faces when Henry reads the defusing instructions out of order.
- It's even stupider than that. The instructions themselves were out of order.Henry: And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
[Trapper cuts the wires]
Henry: But first, remove the fuse.
- It's even stupider than that. The instructions themselves were out of order.
- Hawkeye and Frank are debating going out to examine the bomb. Trapper comes into the room.
- Hawkeye upon learning about the titular (false) ceasefire from General Clayton.Hawkeye: General Clayton, this is Benjamin Franklin Pierce, look I realize you're a general and I'm just a captain but I want to have your baby.
- "Divided We Stand":
- Captain Hildebrand, while he is observing Frank and Margaret's rendezvous and subsequently Hawkeye and Trapper's prank on the two.
- The funniest scene of the episode however is when Hildebrand has delivered his summation and pretty much the entire main cast start flinging worded barbs at each other.Frank Burns: Well, how would you feel if you were forced to serve alongside a pair of medical misfits?Hawkeye: Olè!Frank Burns: And this one has no respect for human decency. He turns everything into a hollow mockery.Hawkeye: That's a lie. I've never once taken out the insides of a mockery.Margaret: He's right, Captain. They're both impossible.Trapper: Stay out of this, Hot Lips, or I'll stop selling tickets to your shower day.[Margaret taps her foot repeatedly in anger. Trapper mockingly taps back]Henry: Alright. Steady, people.Margaret: You [Trapper] are no gentleman!Hawkeye: Good thing you are.[Margaret stutters in shock. Hawkeye teases her with his own stutter][Hawkeye stop and taps Hildebrand on the shoulder with the hand of a skeleton model]Hawkeye: While you're writing, make note of the fact that thanks to the failures of the world's various elected heads, not to mention just plain dictators, to keep a cold war from turning hot, I am forced to operate alongside a surgeon who can't trim his toenails without committing malpractice.Frank: I resent that!Trapper: How do you know he meant you?Frank: Well, who else? I mean ...Henry: Captain, we're not as bad as we...Margaret: There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest.Trapper: Except the male ones.Hawkeye: Speak for yourself.[Radar appears by the window outside and knocks. Margaret points frantically at him]Margaret: THAT ONE SPIES ON EVERYBODY!Hawkeye: Now dear, he is our son.[Margaret's jaw drops momentarily]Henry: He is not!Radar: [bursts into office] Sir?Henry: Radar, what the hell is it?Radar: Choppers. More wounded.[Everybody drops their various attitudes, leap into action and leave the office. Captain Hildebrand is left stunned by the sudden change in behaviour]
- The episode "Five O'Clock Charlie" in its entirety. Just the fact that only Burns and Houlihan actually take Charlie seriously, to the point one of the generals they try to complain to is overheard placing bets on Charlie's ineptitude.
- "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde":
- Radar asks Henry Blake about whether or not they should send some food supplies back.Radar: Uh, sir?
Henry: Can't stop now, Radar. We've got ourselves some new wounded.
Radar: Well, sir, should I send back those 1941 frozen surplus chicken wings we got?
Henry: I wouldn't. They're a lot better than those 1939 surplus hamburger patties.
- After a prolonged OR session, Hawkeye is keen to get some sleep, only for new wounded to arrive almost immediately. He ignores Trapper and Henry's insistence that he get some sleep and goes straight back into OR with them, to Frank's disgust:[Frank enters OR, which is abuzz with activity, including Hawkeye conducting surgery on a chest patient]
Frank: [elbowing Henry, who is holding a hypodermic needle] Henry!
Henry: [squirting the contents of the hypodermic needle everywhere; deadpan] Yeah?
Frank: [nodding his head toward Hawkeye] What's he doing in here?
Henry: Gee, I don't know, Frank, he's a doctor, maybe somebody's sick.
Frank: I've been asleep three times while he's gone on operating! You know what that means?
Hawkeye: Yeah, you're Sleepy. And I always thought you were Dopey. You're certainly not Doc. [to nurse] Sponge. [Henry chuckles]
Margaret: [marching over to Hawkeye] What that means, Colonel, is that this man is probably operating below par!
Hawkeye: Nonsense, I've already had six holes in one. Get it? Six holes in one! Little Gallows Humor to relieve the tremendous pressure, [to Margaret] I must have your body. [Henry laughs again]
- At Henry's orders, Radar carts Hawkeye back to the Swamp in a wheelchair (though not without his "passenger" stopping to flirt with "a herd of nurse")... only for his sixth sense of incoming choppers to kick in. Hawkeye rubbishes Radar's insistence that he get some sleep, musing on the wonders of the adrenal glands before pushing the bewildered company clerk out of the way and heading back to OR. The funniest part comes when he exits the Swamp, walks chest first into a line of laundry hanging out to dry, and drags it with him toward OR without so much as acknowledging it.
- Hawkeye keeps returning to OR every time more wounded are brought in, until he has been awake for three days. Finally Henry has enough:[Hawkeye stumbles out of OR and turns on the tap at the scrub sink... and simply rests against the wall over it]
Henry: [storming out of OR] Listen, Pierce! You were ordered to stand down!
Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again. [takes in the sight of Henry in full surgical garb] Oh, uh, lemme see... uh... [points at Henry] The Lone Ranger. Very good. [he walks away from the sink, the water still running; Henry shuts it off]
Henry: You've gone against orders, Pierce. Somebody else could have operated.
Hawkeye: Well, I asked the kid to sit in our waiting room, but he's read all our magazines.
Henry: [unties his mask] I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce!
Hawkeye: [confused] You're gonna be Frank with me?
Henry: I mean blunt!
Hawkeye: Oh, that's good, 'cause otherwise, Frank would try to be Henry with me, I don't think I could stand that.
Henry: Now, you pay close attention. Can you understand what I'm saying?
Hawkeye: Why, is there something wrong with your mouth?
- Hawkeye becomes so sleep-deprived that he begins obsessing over how the war started, and he eventually decides to ask Frank of all people. However, he starts by looking for him in Margaret's tent:[Margaret is sitting in front of a mirror touching up her roots with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a cotton swab; when she sees Hawkeye enter, she quickly throws the swab down, stands up, and hides the peroxide bottle with a towel]
Margaret: Don't you believe in knocking!?
Hawkeye: No, if I can't say something nice about somebody...
Margaret: What do you want?!
Hawkeye: Sorry to bother you, Major, but there's something of major importance I have to discuss with the major. [opens Margaret's wardrobe] Where's Frank?
Margaret: [giving Hawkeye a Death Glare] You mean Major Burns?
Hawkeye: [pushing the contents of the wardrobe to one side] You sure he's not in here sniffing your dress shields or something?
- Margaret finally points Hawkeye toward Frank's orientation lecture for the enlisted men (most of whom have fallen asleep or otherwise stopped paying attention), so he asks the major directly why North Korea wants to invade America ("Is it something we said? Something we didn't say?"). Frank replies that the North Koreans envy the American way of life, and half of them have never even seen a bathroom; Hawkeye concludes that the war might end if the North Koreans had indoor plumbing, and concocts (and partly carries out) a plan to ship the latrine to the North Koreans to end the war, just as General Clayton arrives (in search of the person - Hawkeye, naturally - who sent Harry Truman a telegram saying "Who's responsible?") and proceeds to enter said latrine. Radar's freak-out is hysterical, and Trapper can only laugh his head off as he watches the mess unfold.Clayton: [as his driver pulls their jeep to the officers' latrine] Now wait right here, son, I'll only be a minute.
Radar: [panicking] Ooh! Uh... ooh! Uh, uh... uh, sir?? [races over to General Clayton; Trapper tries not to laugh] Sir! Sir! Uh - sir - uh... [interposes himself between the general and the latrine] Don't go in there, General.
Clayton: Out of my way, soldier! [pushes Radar aside; Radar gives him a quick salute] Or I'll have you court-martialed for interfering with an officer's bodily functions! [enters the latrine]
Radar: Uh - uh... uh... [the door closes; Radar bolts toward the ambulance to which Hawkeye has chained the latrine just in time to see Hawkeye climb into the driver's seat] Uh, Hawkeye! [waves to get his attention] Uh, don't, don't. [Hawkeye misinterprets Radar's wave and waves back] Uh... [Hawkeye starts the ambulance] HAWKEYE! Don't! [waves his arms frantically, but too late; Hawkeye puts the ambulance in gear and drives off, the chain slowly becoming taut until it drags the latrine behind it]
Clayton: [from inside the latrine] Sergeant! Get me outta here! Do you know who I am!? Let me outta here! Wait a minute! WHERE. ARE. WE. GOING?!
[Radar and Clayton's driver can only watch in disbelief, while Trapper splits his sides laughing, as do several of the soldiers who watch the ambulance and latrine drive past; some of them salute it]
Clayton: SERGEANT! SERGEANT!!!
- Most of the plans for getting Hawkeye to sleep are humorous as well, especially the attempt to inject him with a sedative; they get the wrong rump and knock out Frank instead.[Trapper knocks the roll of pictures of the latrine that Hawkeye is planning to send to the North Koreans to the ground, but as Hawkeye bends down to retrieve it, Frank moves to between the two captains]
Frank: Pierce, return to your tent and get some sleep. [close up shot of Trapper injecting someone in the backside with sedative] Now that's a direct order I gave you, Pierce. [he starts to walk away... and after two steps, he suddenly falls to the ground like a puppet that's had its strings cut]
Margaret: FRANK! [runs over to him]
Hawkeye: Well, he was close. He's out on my feet.
- Radar asks Henry Blake about whether or not they should send some food supplies back.
- "The Trial of Henry Blake"
- Klinger's attempt to desert the camp by hang-gliding out of it... in aviator goggles, a blue housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers. The Special Effects Failure only makes it that much more funny. The reactions of Hawkeye and Trapper add to it.(Hawkeye is making time with a nurse, when...)
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
(Trapper runs up with another nurse)
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: [to the nurse] See?
(Back at the trial...)
Henry: He was found several miles from the camp, unconscious and looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Hawkeye and Trapper walk in on Margaret with Frank in her tent, massaging his neck with an electric device:Hawkeye: I've always said it. Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator.note
- Klinger's attempt to desert the camp by hang-gliding out of it... in aviator goggles, a blue housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers. The Special Effects Failure only makes it that much more funny. The reactions of Hawkeye and Trapper add to it.
- "Dear Dad Three":
- A racist soldier asks Hawkeye to make sure he gets "the right color blood". Incensed, Hawkeye and Trapper use a tincture of iodine to slightly darken the soldier's skin while he's out. When the soldier comes to, he asks Klinger if he seems darker. Klinger, clearly in on it, says, "Are you sure they gave you the right color blood? This has happened before." But the real clincher comes when Ginger congratulates him on "Passing" for white. Then tells him that she's an officer, so he should "Watch his mouth".
- In the same episode, as Trapper arrives in the post-op ward to assist Hawkeye in giving the racist soldier the works:Trapper: I hear you're in need of a medical man.
Hawkeye: I see you couldn't find one.
- "The Sniper":
- Radar and Henry's shower antics... including a very brief, inadvertent glimpse of Radar's bare butt, a first on U.S. network television.
- Also, Radar's snack break in the mess tent at night, later on... during the siege... (almost getting himself killed by Hawkeye and Frank in the process....all for a crappy 'ketchup on rye')Radar: (to Henry) I have this peculiar metabolism. If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid. My shoes are full of water.
- "Carry On, Hawkeye": The entire scene of Henry attempting to retake command despite still being sick is one of the show's most fondly remembered comedy pieces.Hawkeye: Should you be up?Henry: I'm fine. I'm just perfect.Hawkeye: You look like an ad for death.Henry: You know what kind of bird moves into another bird's nest while the colonel bird is sick?Margaret: Somebody had to take command.Henry: So you did it together. Well, that's double indemnity, that's what that is. I seen it in a movie.Hawkeye: You're burning up. Get back to bed.Henry: Oh no, no. So you two can just sit around my desk and smoke my cigars?Margaret: Oh, stop.Henry: Well, forget it. Just get out of there, Mrs. Judas, I'm taking over. Yessir, I am back on the bridge. I'm in command around here again.[Henry sits down in his chair. Hawkeye and Margaret wait for the inevitable. It happens; Henry's eyes roll up and he slumps, sliding down out of the chair.]Hawkeye: He went down with his desk.
- "Deal Me Out":
- Hawkeye and Trapper, who are showering, make wisecracks about Radar's appearance and height. Radar says, "That's okay, I can take a joke"... then swipes their robes and leaves.Hawkeye: HEY! Where're you going? I was kidding, you're beautiful!
- Hawkeye asks Sidney what the psychological basis for gambling is.Sidney: Sex.
Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, Doctor.
Sidney: I'm taking a five-dollar chip. That was a house call.
- At one point, Klinger brings the group sandwiches, including "something brown that just lays there." Later in the evening:Hawkeye: Hold it! Everybody freeze!
Sidney: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: One of the sandwiches just moved.
[everyone stops to look at the sandwiches suspiciously]
- Sidney trying to talk down a distraught patient (a pre-fame John Ritter) who has Burns at gunpoint.Sidney: He's a good man, one of the best in the profession, a terrific doctor and a great human being.
Henry: Maybe we should call Father Mulcahy.
Hawkeye: Yeah. He could give the truth last rites.
- One time, during the card game, everyone speaks using clichés and accents from classic Western movies.Trapper: Well, I think it's time we separated the men from the boys around here.Hawkeye: You the new sheriff?Trapper: That's right, sonny. This here [Klinger] is the new schoolmarm.Sam Pak: Deal, Tex. Already.
- Frank Burns gets a water pitcher thrown at him by an irritated patient.Frank: Lights out, soldier!Patient: Stuff it, Major![Patient throws the pitcher. Frank ducks.]Flagg: What was that?Frank: Oh, he's just pretending to be violent.Flagg: Great imitation.
- Henry is annoyed with their conversation as it has put the game on hold.Henry: Are you guys gonna play cards or chew the fat?Sam Pak: If I wanna chew the fat, I'll eat a sandwich.
- Captain Halloran aka Colonel Flagg asks if the men and woman playing cards in the Swamp can be trusted. The woman is Klinger.Flagg: Colonel, can these men be trusted?Henry: Certainly.Flagg: What about her?[Klinger looks up]Sam Pak: She's my wife.Sidney: That's a very interesting joke, Sam.[Sam gives Sidney one of his poker chips]Sam Pak: Thanks for seeing me, Sidney.
- "I'm not going out there without A BULLETPROOF COUCH!"
- Whiplash Hwang, Professional Accident Victim. "The Falldown King of Korea".
- Hawkeye and Trapper, who are showering, make wisecracks about Radar's appearance and height. Radar says, "That's okay, I can take a joke"... then swipes their robes and leaves.
- "Hot Lips and Empty Arms":
- Margaret bursts into Henry Blake's office and finds him, Trapper and Hawkeye watching an adults-only movie. Disgusted by their behavior, she goes on to admonish the three of them like children, blames Hawkeye and Trapper for the lack of respect she gets from everyone, insults Henry's style of command, and outright demands a transfer.
- An inebriated Margaret's discussion with Frank Burns as to just what her real personality is.
- Hawkeye and Trapper's method of sobering Margaret up: drenching her in the shower.Margaret: [screams] What are you doing?Hawkeye: New surgical procedure. You have to scrub from head to toe. In your clothes.Margaret: That's ridiculous. [laughs] But I like it.Trapper: [deadpan] More.
- "Officers Only":
- After the wounded Private Mitchell's X-rays reveal he needs to go into surgery immediately, the exhausted Trapper sends Radar to the Swamp to wake Hawkeye up to assist. Hawkeye at first doesn't respond, so Radar pulls the cover down... And is met with a close-up view of Hawkeye's feet. At the other end of the bed, Hawkeye gets up... very slowly.Hawkeye: Radar, who asked you to wake my feet?
Radar: Sir, your head's at the wrong end.
Hawkeye: No it's not. It's always been here. [Radar looks confused] I'm gonna count to three, and by the time I get to "one", I want you out of here.
Radar: McIntyre needs you in surgery. [grabbing Hawkeye's clothes from a hook]
Hawkeye: I just came off fourteen hours of surgery! If I cut open one more body, it'll be yours for waking me! OUT! [Radar sighs] Cover my feet, the light's shining in my toenails.
Radar: [drops the clothes on the bed and walks around to the other side] It's a chest case and they're prepping the patient. [grabs Hawkeye's feet and drags them onto the floor]
Hawkeye: [sitting up, whining] Aw... what?... [sighs heavily as Radar puts one of his boots on for him] If I'd been a plastic surgeon I could have been doing noses at $1,000 a nostril.
Radar: Yes, sir. [moves onto the other boot]
Hawkeye: As an eye man, all you do is turn out the lights, you say "Read the top three lines," and you go to sleep while they read it.
Radar: Yes, sir. [stands up, walks behind Hawkeye, and grabs his shirt again]
Hawkeye: Even as a proctologist, I'd have been seeing new faces all the time.
- Private Mitchell turns out to be General Mitchell's son, so, inevitably, Frank tries to force his way into the operation with Margaret's help. Hawkeye and Trapper are having none of it.Margaret: [walking up to an observing Henry, a freshly scrubbed Frank behind her] Colonel, Major Burns is ready to assist.
Trapper: What do you think I'm doing, stalling 'til my room is ready?!
Margaret: I think it only fitting that a captain be assisted by a major when working on the son of a general, Colonel.
Hawkeye: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon.
- Henry Blake gives Klinger some advice about his latest scheme to get out of the army.Henry: Klinger, you asked for my advice. Now I realize how badly you want out of the army.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry: But it's, um, my considered opinion that no one is going to believe that you're pregnant. [the camera pulls back to reveal that Klinger has a fake "baby bump" under his dress]
- Radar interrupts Henry's conversation with Klinger to report that General Mitchell will be arriving momentarily, so Henry orders Radar to take down the lingerie drying on a line in his tent and tells Klinger he's terminating his pregnancy. Unfortunately for the CO, the general enters his tent seconds later to find Henry in his underwear with his trousers around his ankles and a stocking stuck to one of the fishing hooks on his hat, Radar saluting from behind a slip drying on the laundry line, and Klinger still pretending to be pregnant.Mitchell: You, uh, do much fishing, do you?
Henry: Oh, uh... [takes his cigar out of his mouth] I do a little fooling around.
Mitchell: [removing the stocking stuck to the hook on Henry's hat] I'd like to have seen the one that got away.
Henry: [embarrassed] You know how it is.
Mitchell: [wistfully] Yeah. I used to.
- The grateful General Mitchell sends Hawkeye and Trapper for three days' R&R in Tokyo at the Imperial Hotel, and a series of phone calls to Henry reveals they get rather carried away...Radar: [on the phone in Henry's office] What? [Henry enters] Oh, wait, hold on, he just walked in. [covers phone; to Henry] Telephone, sir.
Henry: [takes phone; smiling] Hi there! How are you today? [covers phone; to Radar] Who am I talking to?
Radar: Uh, Mr. Yukuri. He runs the Imperial Hotel.
Henry: [into phone] Yes, sir, what can I do for you?... When?... [smile fades] Last night?... In the main dining room? [to Radar] They sent a case of pipe cleaners to MacArthur's table! [into phone] Well, sir, I can guarantee you the men will be severely reprimanded the min- what?... When?... 4:00 in the morning? Well, uh- yes, sir, I'll grant you, that's a little out of line.
Radar: What, sir?
Henry: [covers phone] Rickshaw races in the lobby.
Radar: Whew... [heads for the door]
Henry: [into phone] What is your name, sir?... Yaugerhan... Yau... Everett, is it? Everett, let me get back to you.
[later, in the Post Op ward, Henry is on the phone again]
Henry: If you'll just tell me, ma'am, how many of the girls are missing, maybe I can help you. [listens] Half the graduating class of your pearl-diving school?
[still later, Radar walks up to the door of Henry's tent; Henry is lying on his cot wearing a Sleep Mask]
Radar: Sir? [no reaction; Radar hesitantly enters the tent] Uh, sir, are you asleep?
Henry: [neither getting up nor removing his sleep mask] What have they done, Radar?
Radar: The Fujikawa bath house in Tokyo.
Radar: They report Captains Pierce and McIntyre were bobbing for customers.
Henry: Thank you, Radar.
Radar: Yes, sir.
- After the wounded Private Mitchell's X-rays reveal he needs to go into surgery immediately, the exhausted Trapper sends Radar to the Swamp to wake Hawkeye up to assist. Hawkeye at first doesn't respond, so Radar pulls the cover down... And is met with a close-up view of Hawkeye's feet. At the other end of the bed, Hawkeye gets up... very slowly.
- "Henry in Love" opens with the camp preparing for Henry's return after a week in Tokyo; Frank has been in charge in his absence, and is proud of the military discipline he has tried to impose on the camp, but notes there has been some pushing back...Frank: Leadership is a lonely business. Your Napoleons, your Kaisers, your Attilas... the Hun were all alone there in the front office, as I have been this week. I've thought of you. I know you have thought of me. But some of the notes in the suggestion box were really below the belt! I mean... why drag my mother into this!?
- "For Want of a Boot": Having had enough of the cold, Trapper has zipped himself up in his sleeping bag, all the while giving Hawkeye advice about what to do with his boot problem.Trapper: There's only one thing left to do, Hawk. [beat] I think we should go lean on the supply sergeant.
Hawkeye: Very good advice. From a man who's zipped his fly to new heights.
[Trapper turns to "face" him]
- "Operation Noselift":
- This conversation, after Radar has seemingly had his nose broken and needs a visiting plastic surgeon to operate on it (a cover for said surgeon performing a purely cosmetic nose job on a self-conscious private):Radar: [into phone] Uh, yeah, I'm holding.
Frank: [storms out of Henry's office] Be advised, Colonel, General Mitchell will hear about this in my weekly anonymous report!note [notices Radar] What are you doing here!?
Radar: I was drafted, sir.
Frank: [pushes Radar's nose] Your nose is supposed to be broken.
Radar: Uh, yes, well, Dr. Pierce said it was just a sprain and if I keep off it for a month, I'll only have to put liquids in it.
Frank: I'm a doctor, and that's crazy!
Radar: [straight-faced] I've heard that, sir.
Frank: I have bigger fish to catch than you. [starts to leave]
Radar: Uh, uh, uh... uh, Major, telephone. It's your wife. [hands Frank the receiver] Your anniversary call.
Frank: [confused] But that was last month!
Radar: I just got through! [heads into Henry's office as Frank sits down]
Frank: Louise? [all smiles] Yes, it's me, darling! How are you, sweetheart? [Margaret enters behind him] Oh, gosh, it's good to talk to you, honey.
Margaret: [furious] WHO THE HELL IS THAT!?
Frank: [covers phone, angrily] It's my WIFE! [into phone, nervously] What? Uh, uh, oh, Major Houlihan just came in. [forced laugh] Hi, Jim!
- Frank and Margaret confront Hawkeye, Trapper, and visiting surgeon and friend of Hawkeye Stanley "Stosh" Robbins, demanding to know the true identity of their nose job patient. They point out that a nose job is difficult to hide, and head out to look for the patient... only to find everyone in the camp wearing bandages on their noses. Including the camp dog!
- This conversation, after Radar has seemingly had his nose broken and needs a visiting plastic surgeon to operate on it (a cover for said surgeon performing a purely cosmetic nose job on a self-conscious private):
- "The Chosen People":
- The Produce Pelting moment at the beginning of the episode when Radar is blowing his bugle.
- Through Sam Pak, the main cast learns why the Korean family has settled in the compound grounds, and they all react.Henry: What's the poop, Sam?
Sam Pak: Well, the poop is he says that this is his farm and you are on his land.
Hawkeye: That settles it. Let's go home.
Frank: Are we going to stand around and let these foreigners take over the 4077th?!
Hawkeye: Frank's right. This is their land. What right have they got to it?
- Sam Pak's introduction to Choon Hi and Su Yong.Henry: Uh, Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi. The baby is Su Yong. [beat] Stand by for the fingering of the father.
Sam Pak: Ahh...
Choon Hi: [points at Sam] Him not doctor.
Sam Pak: You betcha. I don't make house calls.
- And just before the introduction:Sam Pak: Good news.
Henry: I'll take it.
Sam Pak: I had a long, reasonable talk with the farmer. Everything's cool.
Sam Pak: You got three days to get the hell outta here.
Henry: Sam, what's Korean for "suicide"?
Sam Pak: That's the Japanese. We don't do that shtick.
- "As You Were":
- During a lull in the fighting, Henry gives another sex lecture with Figure A and Figure B, the gist of which is supposed to be a warning against contracting venereal disease. The lecture is down to his usual standards...Henry: [over loud chattering from the audience in the mess tent] Hey, guys, let's settle down, huh? Folks, I'd really like to get started. I'd really like to get, uh... Radar?
Radar: QUIET! [the chattering dies down as everyone takes a seat]
Henry: Thank you.
Radar: You're welcome. [sits down]
Henry: Well, being as how we've got so much spare time on our hands lately, I thought I'd deliver the required commanding officer's monthly, uh, orientation lecture this morning, rather than wait for another time, which, while we have it, why not use it, huh? [chuckles] So, uh, if you guys are ready, why, uh, we'll start with today's subject.
Trapper: Which is what, Henry?
Henry: Uh, I'm going to answer questions later, McIntyre.
Hawkeye: Can you give us the subject first, in case we can't tell what it is from your talk? [laughter]
Henry: [forced smile] Uh, could you quiet up? [more laughter] No, seriously, guys, this is a, uh, not an easy lecture to give, and I'd appreciate the, uh, fullest of your total attention on this. [chuckles] Uh, Radar?
Radar: Yes, sir. [gets up and removes the cloths covering the diagrams of Figures B (man) and A (woman)]
Henry: There we go. [more laughter; Radar smiles and points to Figure A]
Mulcahy: [embarrassed] I think I'll check on my candle shipment. [gets up and hurries out of the tent]
Henry: [some corpsmen toss a football around] Simmer down. Radar, do you want to, uh... [Radar sits down again] Well, here are our old friends, Figure A [taps the picture with his pointer] and Figure B. [taps the other picture with his pointer] Man, woman... mom, dad... boy, girl.
Hawkeye: Maggie and Jiggs.
Henry: Now, uh, whether a person, uh... be an A or a B, he or she is blessed with a... uh... a... [gales of laughter] I mean... Okay, after all, I, uh, I guess I don't have to tell you what you Figure Bs are blessed with. [more laughter] Uh, the, uh, human body, you know, can, uh, whether, uh, she be A or he be B, can find itself with a certain kind of, um... medical, uh, trouble.
Trapper: What kind of trouble is that, Henry?
Henry: Uh... [nervous chuckle] I'll come to that later.
Hawkeye: I may not be awake then.
Henry: Now, guys, uh, some of you are going, uh, back home to your wives. Some of you are going back to your sweethearts. And some, for all I know, are going back to both. [laughter]
Hawkeye: [to Trapper] I've heard this guy, he's great. [Trapper chuckles]
Henry: Irregardless of what you've got waiting, I mean, uh, you owe it to that waitee to return home with a clean mind and a clean body. [laughter] Because, uh, like I like to say, uh, "Clean is as clean does and... clean does as clean thinks." [laughter]
Trapper: Henry!... Figure A just fell asleep! [louder laughter]
Henry: McIntyre, we can do without the levity.
Hawkeye: Will you stop levitting? [even louder laughter]
Henry: Well, uh, excuse me.... [gets note cards out of his pocket and reads one, then clears his throat] "Difficult, you ask?" Of course. Well, I can understand that question having just asked it myself. It is, uh... difficult, men. [laughter] Um... um... I mean, really. Uh, you're, uh... it's Saturday night. You got a 24-hour pass. You're 20,000 miles from home.
Hawkeye: You can't make it, I tried. [laughter]
Henry: You walk into a bar, and it's full of B girls. [more laughter]
Radar: Shh! [elbows the corpsman sitting next to him]
Henry: Now, you guys know what I'm talking about, men. Resist. Know what I mean? Use your heads. Use your common sense. Come on now, quit giggling, guys. [loud laughter]
Radar: Shh! [elbows the man next to him again]
Henry: You've got to fight temptation. I mean, now look. Okay. Whatever you do, don't run the risk of catching today's subject. [more laughter] Are there any questions at all? [Radar raises his hand] Radar?
Radar: [stands] Uh, sir, I just have one question.
Henry: What is it?
Radar: Uh, do you suppose that someday you could give us a talk on VD? [Henry looks uncomfortable as the rest of the audience roars with laughter; Radar's confused reaction suggests he genuinely didn't realize Henry's talk was about VD]
Hawkeye, Trapper: [leading the rest of the tent in a round of applause] Yay! Bravo!
- Klinger asks Father Mulcahy for his opinion of a letter he is about to send to General Mitchell to prove he is crazy. Mulcahy responds by listening to every word with a dull reaction, a slight roll of the eyes and an "Oh dear" upon looking at a picture of Klinger dressed up as Rita Hayworth. When Klinger finishes recounting the letter, Mulcahy had this to say about the whole thing:Mulcahy: Klinger... The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you take the cake!
- On the second day featured in the episode, Radar is signalling the morning reveille, badly as usual. Hawkeye and Trapper are wide awake, gazing expectantly towards Frank's cot. The camera moves over to the cot, showing the viewer there is a large crate on top of it. Then the crate moves.Frank: Hey, get me out of this! [pause] Is there anybody there?
Hawkeye: Anybody where, Frank?
Frank: GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU ANIMALS!
Trapper: Out of where, Frank?
[Frank goes silent. One of his fingers pokes out of one of the crate's holes and feels around the circle.]
Frank: I'm boxed in!
Trapper: We all feel that way at times, Frank.
Frank: You guys'll pay for this!
Hawkeye: Take it easy, Frank. The pilot says we'll be in Chicago in an hour.
- Hawkeye and Trapper sitting in the Swamp wearing gorilla costumes, acting nonchalant. Even better is when Frank, at Margaret's insistence, reluctantly asks for the pair to operate on his hernia. Hawkeye replies that he needs to consult with his colleague. The two begin hopping around, making gorilla noises, until Hawkeye turns to Frank, drapes his arm over Trapper's shoulder and says that "We'll do it—me and the missus." Bonus points for Trapper moving into the "Thinker" pose.
- During a lull in the fighting, Henry gives another sex lecture with Figure A and Figure B, the gist of which is supposed to be a warning against contracting venereal disease. The lecture is down to his usual standards...
- In this episode, set during a cold snap while supplies are running low, people are stealing from Henry's office in order to keep fires burning, including slowly dismantling his desk over the course of the episode.Henry: Radar, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking?
Radar: Well, somebody cut the legs off, sir.
Henry: Aw, that's dirty pool.
Radar: Well, they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.
Henry: I know! But to cut off a man's legs, and steal his drawers!
- Father Mulcahy's spin on Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and everyone's reactions to it.Father Mulcahy: It's been years. Let me see if I can recall that prayer. "And now I lay me down to sleep, a bag of peanuts at my feet."
[[Trapper raises his head up in surprise]]
Father Mulcahy: "If I should die before I wake, give them to my brother Jake."
[Frank jaw drops in the background behind him, Radar and Henry stare at him bewildered, and Hawkeye and Klinger genuinely laugh]]
- At the end of the episode, Henry's sitting in the middle of his now-empty office, trying to request new... well, new everything, as they were forced to burn everything "that didn't move or salute." For reference, the only three things inside Henry's office besides Henry himself are the phone, the skeleton hanging in the corner that presumably couldn't be burned, and a jerry can that Henry is using as a seat.Henry: [on the phone] I'm sitting here talking to you from inside a real big empty!
- In this episode, set during a cold snap while supplies are running low, people are stealing from Henry's office in order to keep fires burning, including slowly dismantling his desk over the course of the episode.
- From "Mail Call", Klinger's (fake) letters from his family. Especially the scene in which Henry Blake reads from an extensive group of letters requesting that he be given a discharge because various people are dying or pregnant. In the last, half the family was dying, the other half was pregnant.Blake: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes, sir. [Beat] I don't deserve to be in the army.
- "The General Flipped at Dawn". Eccentric, racist General Steele, played by Harry Morgan, the same actor who would later play Col. Potter.
- Already chafing from Steele's orders that the 4077th will participate in daily calisthenics and only wear uniforms conforming to military regulations, the staff are alarmed when Steele decides to pay a week-long visit to the camp. Henry decrees that Klinger, in particular, is not allowed to wear dresses or skirts while Steele is visiting; Klinger being Klinger, he defies the order in the hopes of getting a Section 8, but when he shows up for the inspection, he walks toward the general... and gets the last reaction any of them expected:[Henry and Steele walk up to the officers in the front row of the formation, starting with...]
Henry: My second-in-command, Major Frank Burns.
Steele: [looks Frank up and down for a few seconds] Trim the hair in your nose! Got that, Sergeant Donovan?
Donovan: [writing] Yes, sir. [Frank looks upset, but suppresses it after a few seconds]
Henry: You gave him an "N", General?
Steele: "Nostril". I'll know what it means.
Henry: [he and Steele move on to...] Our head nurse, Major Margaret Houlihan, sir.
Steele: Gut in, chest out! [a startled Margaret obeys immediately as Steele turns to Henry] Black Jack Pershing, 1915.
Henry: Oh, sir, would you like the sergeant to write that down?
Steele: It isn't noteworthy!
Henry: [to Donovan] Uh, don't write that down. He knows what it means. [he and Steele move on to...] This is our chaplain, Lieutenant Father Mulcahy.
Steele: There are no atheists in foxholes!
Mulcahy: ... I've heard that.
Steele: [looks Mulcahy up and down] I'd like to see a shine on that cross, Father.
Henry: [he and Steele walk to the far end of the front row, to...] This is my company clerk, Corporal O'Reilly.
Steele: [harshly] The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! [suddenly all smiles] Non-coms. The backbone of the service. Where are you from, son?
Radar: Iowa, sir-
Steele: [suddenly harsh again] NO TALKING IN RANKS! [a terrified Radar shuts up immediately; Steele moves on to inspecting the enlisted men in the back row]
Radar: [gets a horrified look and whispers to a passing Henry] Sir!
Henry: Not now, Radar!
Henry: What is it!?
Radar: Straight ahead at 12:00!
[Henry looks in the same direction as Radar and sees Klinger walking toward the parade; true to form, he has ignored Henry's orders and is in full drag, complete with stockings and garters, which he takes a moment to adjust]
Henry: [deflating] Oh, no...
[with Henry powerless to stop him, Klinger strides up to General Steele and salutes him proudly]
General Steele: [sotto voce] Not now, Marjorie, I'm inspecting the troops! [walks off, leaving a thoroughly confused Klinger lost for words]
- Steele insists that there is too much waste at the camp (including telling Henry that a tongue depressor found lying in the dirt can be sterilized and re-used), and concludes that the 4077th must be moved closer to the front. He takes Henry and Frank to scout out a new site and insists that Henry salute when complying with his order that the move occur the next day. Henry and Frank point out that the area is full of snipers, who would know which of them to aim for if they saluted. But Steele insists, and sure enough, they are soon under fire from snipers:[the sniper fire continues throughout the following scene]
General Steele: [draws his service revolver as Henry and Frank take cover behind Steele's jeep] Well, we can stand and fight... [looks at his watch] or we can have lunch.
Frank: [panicking] LUNCH!
Henry: [trying not to panic] Lunch.
General Steele: [nods and holsters his revolver] Yeah, I'm a little hungry myself. [as Frank and Henry take cover in the passenger and back seats respectively, Steele casually gets into the driver's seat, adjusts his gloves, looks at himself in the rearview mirror, and sings as he starts the engine] "I... love a parade... the beat of the drums, da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum..."
- The exchange that ultimately leads to his being Kicked Upstairs is just too much, wrapped into something so simple:[Hawkeye has refused to call back an evac chopper that is carrying a patient to Seoul so that Steele can use it to observe the camp's unnecessary move closer to the front]
General Steele: You're insubordinate!
General Steele: You're insolent!
Hawkeye: Right! And you're nuts!
- General Steele's breaking out singing "Mississippi Mud" during what is supposed to be Hawkeye's court-martial hearing will bring a tear to your eye. Bonus points for the JAG officer overseeing the hearing staring dumbly at the spectacle, till he quietly places his papers back inside his valise, confirming that the hearing is now over.
- And in the final scene, we get Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry dancing out of the Swamp singing "Mississippi Mud" after reading about Steele's promotion, accompanied by rhythmic boot polishing from Frank.
- Already chafing from Steele's orders that the 4077th will participate in daily calisthenics and only wear uniforms conforming to military regulations, the staff are alarmed when Steele decides to pay a week-long visit to the camp. Henry decrees that Klinger, in particular, is not allowed to wear dresses or skirts while Steele is visiting; Klinger being Klinger, he defies the order in the hopes of getting a Section 8, but when he shows up for the inspection, he walks toward the general... and gets the last reaction any of them expected:
- "Rainbow Bridge":
- As the bus is leaving for Rainbow Bridge, Frank blows his whistle while standing in the doorway. The bus moves off, and he falls into a heap on the stairs just as it moves out of the camera's view.
- Hawkeye, Trapper and Frank head off to pick up some wounded that are being returned to them. They are warned that they are not to bring weapons, at the risk of losing the wounded in question to prisoner camps. Frank, being Frank, sneaks with him a small handgun, giving himself away when he goes for it in response to a misunderstood gesture. The man in charge of returning their wounded is royally pissed off at this breach of contract and demands that Frank produce the weapon. When he does...[laughing incredulously] What the hell is that!?
- The gun is so hilariously tiny that Hawkeye is right in deeming it as something that would have come out of a box of Cracker Jacks. For reference, Frank holds the gun up with two fingers.
- "Officer of the Day":
- Yet another round of either Hawkeye, Trapper or both saying hi or goodbye to Frank, and the latter interprets it to have some unfriendly meaning.Trapper: Hi Frank.Frank: That doesn't scare me one bit.[...]Trapper: Bye Frank.Frank: That was totally uncalled for.
- Frank orders Hawkeye to wake up so he can start his duty as Officer of the Day and a sleepy Hawkeye lazily responds by going back to sleep and a moment later tells Frank to go away. An unperturbed Frank pulls him out of bed, to his surprise and irritation.Frank: Wake up, Pierce. Come on, get up.Trapper: Hey, Frank, lay off. He was 14 hours in OR.Frank': Tough Tilly. Up, up, up.Hawkeye: Get lost, Frank. Go rinse out the flag.Frank grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him upHawkeye: Trap, you're a witness. He's violating the dead.
- Frank, acting as CO in Henry's absence, orders Hawkeye to carry a sidearm while appointing him Officer of the Day, leading to a hilarious rant:Hawkeye: I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll care a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, Carry Me Home to Old Virginia! I'll even hari-kari if you show me how! But I will not carry a gun!
- During Hawkeye dealing with the second Kim Luck of the day:Hawkeye: Can you identify yourself?
Kim Luck: This is me!
Hawkeye: Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that.
- Later on, another person presents the same card.Hawkeye: Boy, this card is getting a workout today.
- Klinger's latest scheme in getting out of the army or at the very least trying to get some leave in Seoul, is to dress up in various disguises, the first of which is as a nun, and try to get past the camp guards.
- In The Tag, Trapper comes in to Henry's office to show his new pinstriped suit to Hawkeye and Radar. It's pinstriped all right, horizontally, from the shoulders all the way down to the ankles.
- Yet another round of either Hawkeye, Trapper or both saying hi or goodbye to Frank, and the latter interprets it to have some unfriendly meaning.
- The scene where Hawkeye, Margaret and Frank are all acting like schoolchildren and Henry is the tired schoolteacher ignoring what's going on when things get tense between the three in the operating ward.Henry: Pipe down, Burns.
Frank: Oh, sure. Always. You jump all over me but he can say what he wants and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are.
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess.
[Hawkeye shoots liquid out of a syringe into Frank's face]
Margaret: [scandalized] Colonel, did you see that?!
Henry: Do you mind, Major? I'm trying to sew my glove into this patient.
- When told to go donate some blood at the mess tent, Klinger starts imitating Dracula, taking on the stereotypical accent made famous by Lugosi and wraps his nurses' shawl around him as if it were a vampire cape, and walks towards the camera and offscreen.
- The scene where Hawkeye, Margaret and Frank are all acting like schoolchildren and Henry is the tired schoolteacher ignoring what's going on when things get tense between the three in the operating ward.
- In "Springtime", Klinger gets word from his girlfriend that she wants to marry him.Col. Blake: Klinger, has she seen you?
- "Check Up":
- Once again, Frank reflexively reacts defensively to Hawkeye and Trapper simply saying "hello" to him.Trapper: Hi Frank.
Hawkeye: 'Lo, Frank.
Frank: That's your business!
- Hawkeye asks Margaret amorously how she wants to start her physical checkup. She responds by sharply blowing through the stethoscope into his ear.
- Once again, Frank reflexively reacts defensively to Hawkeye and Trapper simply saying "hello" to him.
- "Alcoholics Unanimous":
- Impatient with waiting for Klinger to fix a problem with the film camera on a very wet movie night, Trapper turns around to demand the return of the absent sound. Mother Nature responds instead via rainwater leaking in through the tent roof and spilling on his head.Trapper: You ask for sound and you get water.
Hawkeye: That's show business.
- Sickened by his tentmates' alcohol consumption and with Henry away in Seoul, temporary CO Frank declares Prohibition in the camp, and is gloating to Radar:Frank: The men detest me, don't they?
Radar: Oh, no, sir.
Frank: You can tell me the truth. They hate me, don't they?
Radar: Just your guts, sir.
Frank: This is for their own good. They don't have to love me.
Radar: I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, sir.
Frank: You don't have to stand there talking to me, go to sleep!
Radar: I can do both at the same time.
- While Hawkeye and Trapper are desperately searching the supply room for anything with alcohol in it, Margaret enters and secretly tops up a hip flask from a bottle of brandy in a file cabinet. Hawkeye and Trapper insist that she share, and one Gilligan Cut, all three are absolutely fall-down drunk in the Swamp. Frank is outraged and revokes his exemption for Margaret from the rules against alcohol consumption, then storms out...Margaret: Who was that? [Hawkeye and Trapper roar with laughter]
- Frank recruits Father Mulcahy to give a temperance lecture, and asks if he has any experience:Frank: [entering Henry's office with Mulcahy] Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
Father Mulcahy: Well... [removing his hat] no, I haven't. But on the troop ship, I was asked to give a lecture on, uh... the "sex" thing.
Frank: [sitting in Henry's chair] Good!
Father Mulcahy: [sitting opposite Frank] Well, being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film... about two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small, rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart. Lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Frank: [clearing his throat uncomfortably] Father, please, this is important...
Father Mulcahy: The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer... with three other young ladies and... a man with a whip.
Frank: [embarrassed] Father...
Father Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.
- Frank decides the entire camp must attend the temperance lecture. Having never spoken in front of such a large audience before, Mulcahy is so nervous that he accepts Klinger's suggestion that he take some Liquid Courage (given to him by a grateful soldier after a particularly conscience-clearing confession) and ends up giving the lecture while drunk. For bonus points, Radar actually stands up after the following line before realising they're in the mess tent.Father Mulcahy: It's rather warm in here... Radar, would you open one of the stained glass windows?
- Impatient with waiting for Klinger to fix a problem with the film camera on a very wet movie night, Trapper turns around to demand the return of the absent sound. Mother Nature responds instead via rainwater leaking in through the tent roof and spilling on his head.
- "There Is Nothing Like a Nurse":
- In the opening OR scene, Nurse Baker mouths off to Frank after one of his many Never My Fault reactions to her doing what he said to do instead of what he meant to say to do. Margaret decides to speak to Henry shortly afterward, but Henry is badly hungover and is less than receptive:[Henry is slowly pouring a solution of antacid powder and water from one glass to another to mix it; Radar enters]
Radar: Sir? Uh, Major Houlihan requests permission to see the colonel.
Henry: Well, tell her I died of a hangover and didn't leave a forwarding address.
Radar: Yes, sir. [he heads for the door, only for Margaret to throw it open and march straight past him]
Margaret: Colonel, I want a few words with you.
Henry: [wincing] I just hope I can hear you over the tom-toms.
Margaret: I think you'll be able to hear me all right, all right.
Henry: [takes a drink of his antacid solution] Mm-hmm.
Radar: [handing Henry his University of Illinois mug] Here's some black coffee, sir.
Henry: God bless you, Radar.
Radar: Hope so, sir.
Margaret: [impatiently] Colonel!
Henry: Radar, turn on the news. Maybe the war just ended and I won't have to talk to her.
Radar: Uh, yes sir, I'll get you that station right away. [as he leaves, Henry takes a sip of coffee while Margaret grabs the chair opposite him and slams it down, aggravating his Hangover Sensitivity even further]
Margaret: [sitting in the chair] Colonel Blake, I wish to charge Lieutenant Janet Baker with insubordination and I insist on your assurance that she will be given prompt and vigorous punishment.
Henry: Well, Major, there's a French unit right down the road. Now, why don't you just run down there and see if you can borrow their guillotine.
- Radar mistakenly thinks Margaret Houlihan is much older than his thirty-seven year old sister. The major is of course visibly offended.
- Before the nurses are evacuated, Hawkeye takes the time to have a last-minute date in the supply room. Unbeknownst to him, Trapper had the same idea and is currently on his date in the next aisle.Trapper: Do you mind? I paid good money for this supply room.
- Everyone else's reactions to Hawkeye and Margaret's big kiss before the nurses depart.Frank: [appalled] Pierce! [turns to Henry] Colonel!
Henry: [watches for a bit] Cut it out, Pierce.
Trapper: I'd like to leave a call for eight-thirty.
- Hawkeye then gently pulls away from a very pleased and satiated Margaret. Then Frank confronts him with an angry outburst.Frank: That has to be an affront to every decent army officer all the way back to George Washington!
- Frank and Margaret are about to finish up their phone conversation when Hawkeye and Trapper reveal they've been listening in on the extension.Frank: Let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
Margaret: Okay, you start.
[Frank and Margaret are left momentarily stunned]
Margaret: [enraged] Get 'em, Frank!
- It leads to an even funnier moment. Frank gives chase to Hawkeye and Trapper as the two flee the administration office. Pursuing them outside, Frank then slips and falls into a foxhole. Hawkeye and Trapper turn back and decide to take advantage of the situation, grabbing a Jeep and driving it to stop and park right over the foxhole, leaving Frank unable to get out.Frank: Pierce! McIntyre! Stop! Wait! Hold it!
Frank: Help! Cut that out! Help! Stop that Jeep! Help! Let me outta here! Help! LET ME OUT!
Trapper: That's amazing, Frank.
Hawkeye: Camouflaging yourself as a Jeep. You [Trapper] get the film. I'll get the projector and popcorn.
[Hawkeye and Trapper leave]
Frank: You can't park a Jeep over a superior officer! [beat] LET ME OUT!!!
- The viewing of the wedding video and subsequent riffing of it is not only one of the funniest moments in the episode but also one of the whole series and an absolute delight for fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000.Hawkeye: I've invited you all here today because I'm ready to name the murderer.
Henry: It must be [his wedding], I don't see a casket.
Trapper: Boy, they sure did invite a lot of empty chairs.
- And then there was the look on the face of the "blushing" bride, who throughout the entire movie, had the sourest expression on her face like she had never smiled a day in her life.
- In the opening OR scene, Nurse Baker mouths off to Frank after one of his many Never My Fault reactions to her doing what he said to do instead of what he meant to say to do. Margaret decides to speak to Henry shortly afterward, but Henry is badly hungover and is less than receptive:
- "Adam's Ribs":
- Hawkeye starting a riot in the mess tent after being offered fish or liver for lunch.Hawkeye: I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver that I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!
- And after Hawkeye gets everyone chanting 'We want something else! We want something else!', the shot switches to Radar chanting along, but eating the crappy mess tent food anyway. Radar even swipes Klinger's food. Klinger's dancing in rhythm to the chanting of "We want something else!" is also hilarious.
- Later that night, Hawkeye snaps and decides to place an order. Klinger, on guard duty, stops him.Klinger: Halt! What's the password?
Hawkeye: [not slowing down] Out of my way or I'll split your head open.
Klinger: [looking as Hawkeye passes by] Close enough!
- He wakes up Radar, has him call Chicago to place the order.Hawkeye: Chicago. Hog butcher for the world. Tool maker. Stacker of wheat. Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler. Stormy, husky, brawling, city of the big shoulders. Sandberg knew, Radar! Spareribber for the universe! Maker of meat on a bone! Inventor of the pigsicle! Give me your tired, your poor, your coleslaw!
- Then, after he manages to a) call halfway across the world, b) bluff an operator into getting him properly connected by pretending to be a reporter, and c) actually get the restaurant on the line...
- Discussing Klinger's uncle who lives in Chicago.Hawkeye: Does he like you? Would he do you a favor?
Klinger: You kidding? He'd kill for me! He'd kill for you! For $100 he'd kill for anybody!
Hawkeye: Would your uncle pick up a package for me?
Klinger: Sure, for a price!
Hawkeye: He doesn't have to kill the package!
- Hawkeye starting a riot in the mess tent after being offered fish or liver for lunch.
- "Mad Dogs and Servicemen":
- While Radar is feeding his menageries of animals, Henry Blake comes to him and delivers the news that he found his tortoise in the shower.Henry: Radar, your little friend and I just had another shower together. I think he's trying to have an affair with one of my corns.
- Radar's dog finally returns to the 4077th. Seeing their chance to get Radar out of the hospital, Henry and Trapper try to grab it. The dog runs and the two give chase all around the compound. The scene is capped off with the two finally cornering the dog just offscreen. Then we hear an angry growl and Henry and Trapper come tearing back into view with the dog chasing them.
- While Radar is feeding his menageries of animals, Henry Blake comes to him and delivers the news that he found his tortoise in the shower.
- "Private Charles Lamb"
- The stunningly unimpressed Greek soldier who nearly bumps Frank with a trunk and then provides his name and serial number...in Greek.
- The sheep has disappeared but Henry doesn't yet know how.Henry: Everything in this country disappears except me. Boy, what I wouldn't give to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.
- Col. Henry Blake unknowingly giving sending the lamb home via a hardship discharge.Trapper (reading the form): Private Charles Lamb?
- Henry marveling at the insanity of the situation.Henry: I gave a discharge to a sheep!
- In "Bombed":
- One of the artillery shells raining down on the 4077th hits the latrine while Henry and Father Mulcahy are in it. Klinger has an... interesting way of establishing if Henry is in the pile of wood:Klinger: Hold it! I heard a moan! Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times! If you can't, knock twice! [we can practically hear the sarcasm in Henry's two knocks; Radar covers his mouth in horror as Klinger gets a grave look on his face] Oh, lord, he's dead...
- Dazed from being trapped in the collapsed latrine, Father Mulcahy mumbles out a little story about how one time his sister had made a crabapple pie.Mulcahy: [as Klinger struggles to keep him on his feet] Mommy came into the kitchen and said, "What the hell's going on in here." [turns to Klinger] I remember, Mommy... you know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear. [Klinger looks disturbed]
- Radar's outburst after being informed the people responsible for the 4077 being shelled are the United States Army.Radar: If I ever get out of this war alive, I'm gonna write a book exposing it all, AND THAT GUY'S GONNA BE IN IT!Klinger: What's his name?Radar: I'll make one up!Klinger: Will you put me in it?Radar: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Page one.
- Trapper and Margaret are trapped in the supply shed when an artillery shell blocks the door with debris, and Trapper suggests he and Margaret share a blanket for warmth, as they'll have twice the body heat that way. Or, as Trapper puts it:Trapper: 98 degrees plus 98 degrees equals 196 degrees.
- Seoul City Sue's radio show:Sue: This is Seoul City Sue, bringing you GI Joes your favourite songs, and reminding you that all your wives and sweethearts are being unfaithful to you.
Father Mulcahy': Not true! Not true! Don't pay any attention to her.
Sue: You know who's romancing them at home every night? Every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Henry: There's a Harry at the country club. [beat] Nah. Lorraine wouldn't horse around with a busboy.
Sue: Take Sue's word for it. Go home 121st Evac, MASH 4077th. Go home where the big money is. Don't help imperialistic forces in Korea.
Henry: Another Harry. He repairs the golf carts. [beat] Nah. He has dirty nails and he's always digging one finger in his ear.
Sue: I'll be right back. But first here's a golden oldie to remind you of those wonderful cheating wives and lovers back home.
Henry: Father, will you ask Radar to get something else on the box?
Father Mulcahy: Yes sir.
- One of the artillery shells raining down on the 4077th hits the latrine while Henry and Father Mulcahy are in it. Klinger has an... interesting way of establishing if Henry is in the pile of wood:
- "Bulletin Board":
- When Trapper wakes up Hawkeye for the night shift, his irritated friend starts a throwing fight in response. Then there comes a moment where they pause and Hawkeye suggests to start throwing things at Frank instead.
- The picnic and barbecue.
- Father Mulcahy comes behind a puppetry stage to congratulate Trapper a nurse for putting on a well-received romantic Punch and Judy story, only to find the two of them actually kissing.
- The fill-a-glass-of-water-with-a-spoon contest.
- Frank promises to lend Margaret the money she asked for, as long as she's prepared to sign an IOU as well as offering him five percent interest. Naturally, Margaret gets furious and chases. This leads Frank to accidentally take part in a race and becoming the winner of said race.
- And finally, the tug of war. The game ends with Covered in Mud for all of the main cast. You can even hear them shout, "Henry! Get Henry!" when he's the only one left not pulled in.
- "The Consultant":
- Radar's lousy driving at the beginning of the episode.
- After Hawkeye and Trapper's trip to Japan, Radar prepares a primitively made bathhouse for them and Henry Blake to use.
- Henry is seen enjoying this so immensely that not even a constantly complaining Frank Burns could spoil the mood.Henry: Radar, this is heaven.
Radar: Yes sir.
Henry: You're a genius.
Radar: Oh, yes sir.
Frank: Colonel Blake, you're not listening to me.
Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak up, Frank. I'm not listening to you.
- It gets more hilarious as Frank constantly tries to get Henry to take him seriously, becoming The Thing That Would Not Leave so much that Henry dunks his head underneath the water so he does not have to listen to him anymore. When Frank finally leaves, Henry resurfaces and blows a raspberry at him.
- And then comes the punchline. As Henry settles in the pool for peace and quiet, Hawkeye comes jumping in and interrupts it.
- Henry is seen enjoying this so immensely that not even a constantly complaining Frank Burns could spoil the mood.
- "House Arrest":
- In the washroom, Trapper informs Frank that he cannot allow dirty language to be spoken in front of Hawkeye. He promised his mother.
- Henry Blake tries to get Hawkeye and Frank to make peace between each other after Hawkeye punched Frank. Frank, however, will not accept an apology and wants his demand for a court-martial pushed through. Henry gives him a What the Hell, Hero? speech by mentioning how much work it will take to do that. Then Radar iterates the first part of the procedure, namely placing Hawkeye under house arrest. Hawkeye interprets this as a good thing since it means he doesn't have to do anything for the duration of the investigation and happily accepts it. Frank, of course, is satisfied as it also means the ball will start rolling and the two leave. Finally, Henry stalks towards Radar and tells him in a low, angry voice to get out of the room.
- Trapper creates a cover story to get Hawkeye out of trouble while relaying his witness statement to Henry and Radar. At first, Henry points out how silly it is and then he just goes with it.Trapper: And then I said to everybody, "Watch out for that bar of soap. Look out for that bar of soap, everybody." I specifically said to Major Burns that a bar of soap on the floor can be very slippery.Henry: Frank says Pierce hit him.Trapper: Oh, no, no, Henry. When Frank fell on the soap, Hawkeye tried to break his fall.
- The bar of soap turns into a Running Gag, eventually culminating in one of the final scenes of the episode where a furious Margaret, after discovering Frank was cheating on her, corroborated Trapper's statement.Hawkeye: I don't want him sharing my house arrest.Margaret: You're innocent, Doctor. He slipped on a bar of soap!
- "Aid Station":
- Before Hawkeye leaves for the aid station, he and Trapper drink a toast to the Ritz Brothers. They then promptly throw their emptied martini glasses at the door, causing them to smash and startle Radar who is just about to knock.
- Frank Burns complains that Trapper ruined the ending of the movie he was planning to see the next evening.Henry: Nobody went to the movie. It's, um, Sherlock Holmes.
Trapper: The butler did it.
Frank: Oh! I was gonna see that tomorrow night!
Trapper: I was kidding, Frank. The maid did it.
- Hawkeye, Margaret and Klinger's reception after they return from the aid station. Trapper thinks Hawkeye took advantage of the mission to romance Margaret, Frank gets jealous when Margaret does not give him any romantic attention, and Klinger discovers Radar gave away some of his dresses prematurely.
- "Big Mac":
- Another "Hi Frank" moment:Trapper: Hi Frank. How are you?
Frank: Pretty big talk.
- Frank tries to insult Hawkeye's surgical skill in the OR when a special case gives Hawkeye cause to read a textbook while operating. It of course backfires on him spectacularly.Frank: Need some help, Pierce?
Hawkeye: No thanks. I'd rather save the patient.
Frank: That got him.
Hawkeye: Unless they taught you something special at Vivisection State Teachers' College.
[the rest of the medical staff break out in laughter]
Hawkeye: Which I doubt.
Henry: Here we go.
Trapper: You better quit while you're behind, Frank.
Frank: I've been a practising surgeon for twelve years!
Hawkeye: When do you think you'll be ready to operate? Just an estimate, Frank.
Trapper: Frank, I begged you to quit.
Frank: And another thing...
Margaret: Frank. They'll kill you.
- Four of the corpsmen are seen putting up a welcoming sign in anticipation of MacArthur's arrival. When they finish, they begin to leave, congratulating each other for a job well done. Then the sign starts to fall down and they hurry back towards it to prop it back up. The sign falls down again when MacArthur arrives.
- Klinger shows up to the rehearsal of MacArthur's arrival to practice an attempt to prove he's crazy. Dressed in a kimono, he accosts theMacArthur stand-in, elaborates that he's crazy and should be discharged, and starts kissing the general's corncob pipe. He is then dragged away by the MPs. One the funny parts of that scene is that the stand-in, Radar, never breaks character.
- After the real MacArthur arrives and proceeds to drive through the camp without stopping, the last shot of the episode is Klinger, dressed as the Statue of Liberty complete with a flaming torch. MacArthur looks up from his papers to salute "her".
- Another "Hi Frank" moment:
- From "Payday", Frank confronts Klinger over wearing a dress instead of military uniform to payday. Klinger comically misses the point. Since this is happening right in front of Father Mulcahy, the chaplain is watching with slight amusement.Frank: Klinger.Klinger: Yes, sir.Frank: Just where do you get the gall to show up for payday dressed like a two-dollar streetwalker? [turns to Father Mulcahy] Sorry, Father.Klinger: I was worried about these earrings with tweed.Frank: Not only is masquerading as a starlet not going to get you out of the army, military regulations specifically state that no soldier may receive his pay unless in uniform. In uniform. Do you read me, Corporal Crazy.Klinger: Oh, gimme a break, sir. I gotta get my money. It's important.Frank: And next time, stand a little closer to the razor when you shave.Klinger: My knees get in the way.
- From "White Gold":
- After setting Perkins free, Flagg systematically messes up the confinement tent to make it look like Perkins fought him and escaped. He casually kicks a chair down, scatters a deck of cards all over the room, tears a novel in two, upends a mattress and then an entire cot, and breaks a telephone receiver on the back of his own head. Then comes the crowner; as circus music starts playing in the background, Flagg sizes up a closet and prepares himself for what he's about to do next. When he's finally ready, he charges toward the closet, breaking the doors in headfirst.
- Klinger informs Hawkeye and Trapper that he saw someone breaking into the supply room. Thinking it's the recently escaped Perkins coming back for the penicillin he tried to steal earlier, the three head on over there to stop him. They are shown entering the supply room and exiting offscreen. Loud fighting is then heard erupting from within, which brings Father Mulcahy running over with a flashlight and looking inwards at the fight. The fight stops, with Hawkeye, Trapper and Klinger re-emerging with the thief, only to turn out that the thief is Colonel Flagg.
- Trapper and Hawkeye laugh at Flagg as they remember past incidents when he broke his own arm and rigged a jeep to run himself over.note Trapper: You're gonna kill yourself!
Flagg: If I have to.
Trapper: Hey, that's the spirit!
Hawkeye: If we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you.
- "Welcome to Korea":
Hawkeye: Major Burns, Major Houlihan, may I present Captain B.J. Hunnicutt.
- Radar imitating a marching tune as he follows Frank across the compound to collect Major Houlihan for assembly.
- Hawkeye comes back from the leave he spent in Tokyo, being driven into camp by a bicycle-drawn carriage. As is typical of him, his arrival crashes Frank's military assembly with a bucketload of indifference and snarkery that earns laughter from the troops, much to Frank's indignation.Hawkeye: Here we are. This is good. The corner of 42nd Street and Filth Avenue.
Hawkeye: No man calls me that and lives.
Frank: Captain Pierce. Officers returning from leave are supposed to check in with their commanding officer upon their return.
Hawkeye: Hello honey, I'm home.
- A random colonel's suspicious and then appalled reaction to the supposed trialling of the new military rank "Corporal Captain".Colonel: Well I don't like it. [Beat] No sir. I don't like it at all.
- During the cleanup of the Swamp, Klinger rifles through one of Hawkeye and Trapper's nudist magazines, making various commentaries on the articles while, barely a foot away from him, Frank is currently admonishing the state Hawkeye and Trapper have left the quarters in after he moved out.Klinger: [whistles] I thought they were strictly volleyball. They play croquet and everything.
Frank: Look at these socks. Boots covered in blood. [Beat] Animals.
Klinger: Here's some people clipping hedges. [Beat] That could be dangerous.
Frank: Get on with it. Throw those away.
Klinger: "Girl phoning". Wonder what a naked girl sounds like on the phone.
[Klinger stuffs magazine under his jacket for later reading]
- Frank Burns' entire Word Salad Philosophy about how respectfully people should be treating the opportunity to serve in the army.Frank: Beats me how some people treat this war like it's some kind of picnic, when it's really a privilege to be asked to serve in the army. Of course, it's not just our army. We're here with the UN, which I personally have nothing against, except that it's full of foreigners, which of course is what did in your League of Nations.
- Hawkeye bluffs his way past an MP checkpoint by pretending Radar has "neuropraxia," an apparently very contagious condition that would cause him to foam at the mouth and try to bite his nose. The MP asks Hawkeye if he's afraid of catching it.Hawkeye: [leans right into the MP's face] I can only carry the germ.
- From the second part of the episode, the voice-over recap mentions how they started on their way back to camp.Narrator: Their jeep stolen, they naturally stole one belonging to a general!
- Later on, they get a flat tire, and then come under fire from a guerrilla band. Radar tries to go back for the jack.Radar: This is a general's jack!
Hawkeye: Salute it and get in!
[Radar actually salutes the jack and then throws it on the ground]
- B.J.'s introduction to Frank Burns. Especially since Frank had just been saying he was going to mold the new surgeon in his own image. Unfortunately, Hawkeye got there first.
[B.J. tries to manage a sense of decorum by saluting but he soon bursts into drunken laughter]
B.J.: What say you, ferret-face? [falls down laughing in drunken stupor]
- "Chain of Command":
- Frank throws a childish and childlike temper tantrum upon learning that he's being relieved of duty as commanding officer for the soon-to-arrive Colonel Potter — complete with feet stamping, fists pounding, crying out "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S MY MASH! MINE!!! and even holding his breath! Later still, Frank "runs away from home," as Hawkeye puts it. And even later again, when Frank returns and reports himself to Potter the next morning, the look on his face when Potter compliments Klinger's Shirley Temple ensemble is priceless.
- Arriving at the camp, Potter comes across Radar outside the administration building tanning in the sun. When he notes that the clerk is not paying attention to him, he beeps the horn of his Jeep to get it. After Potter beeps the horn a second time, a fed-up Radar reports at him to stick the horn in his ear. Affronted, Potter walks up to him.Colonel Potter: On your feet, soldier. I'm Colonel Potter.
Radar: [opens his eyes] Oh boy.
- As he is making himself at home in the office, he meets Klinger who walks into the room, fully prepared with his fresh attempt at getting a Section Eight. Potter treats the attempt with apparent disinterest but allows it to go on until Klinger is finished.
- At the officers' meeting, he first addresses Father Mulcahy. The chaplain makes his presence known by politely flashing the cross he wears around his neck.Colonel Potter: Oh. Yes, of course. [regards Mulcahy's file] Uh-huh. Mm-hm. Uh-huh. You're clean.
Father Mulcahy: Thank God, sir.
Colonel Potter: Catholic?
Father Mulcahy: Yes sir.
Colonel Potter: Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?
Father Mulcahy: I handle all the denominations, Colonel.
Colonel Potter: Any other Methodists in the outfit?
Father Mulcahy: Two or three.
Colonel Potter: Good. I hate to sing alone.
- He moves on to Margaret, who stands dutifully at attention, unaware that Hawkeye is silently mocking her in the background.Colonel Potter: Major Houlihan?
Colonel Potter: Chief nurse.
Margaret: Yes sir.
Colonel Potter: Ten years. Spotless record.
Margaret: Thank you, sir.
Colonel Potter: [moves to read from Frank's file] Major Frank Burns?
Margaret: Just friends, sir.
[Colonel Potter looks up, frowning]
Margaret: [realises what she just said] I mean he's not here, sir. He's indisposed.
- Because of Frank's absence, Potter goes on to Hawkeye and B.J., commenting on some of the things Frank has reported on them.Colonel Potter: Captain Pierce?
Colonel Potter: Keep your yos to yourself. [tuts at what he reads in Hawkeye's file and moves on to B.J.'s] Captain Hunnicutt?
B.J.: Yes sir.
Colonel Potter: You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.
Hawkeye: That was an accident.
B.J.: We were having a weenie roast.
Colonel Potter: In the latrine?
B.J.: We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.
Colonel Potter: Also, Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown in here by helicopter claiming it was a patient.
Hawkeye: It was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.
Colonel Potter: And a year ago, the Tokyo provost marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.
Hawkeye: I couldn't get a cab.
Colonel Potter: I gather you drink.
Hawkeye: Only to excess.
- And finally there's Frank who makes his appearance before the colonel at episode's end with Frank promising that he will help the colonel to maintain the military efficiency and discipline he himself established at the unit with his temporary command. Then Klinger walks in, out of uniform and back in a dress. Frank looks on dumbly as Potter gives the corporal a positive comment.
- "It Happened One Night":
- As Radar is busy trying to get Hawkeye up for duty, something is heard bumping against the door of the Swamp, punctuated by a cry of "RATS!". The something turns out to be someone when B.J. enters the tent. Hawkeye assumes this to be a case of Gosh Dang It to Heck! and asks what happened.Hawkeye: What did you bump into?
B.J.: Just what I said. Rats. If they get any bigger, we can hold a rodeo.
- Klinger's hilarious reaction to Hawkeye's choice of a midnight snack of a can of baked beans after he has read the information on the can, namely the year it was produced.Klinger: '1943?!' These beans are from World War Two!
Hawkeye: Nice. They're has-beans.
- When Radar enters Margaret's tent to wake her so she can go on duty, he has trouble avoiding the major's washing line and clothes. Then, as he approaches Margaret, it is implied she is having an Erotic Dream. Radar taps her on the shoulder to rouse her from sleep. Margaret stirs, mouthing the word "Animal". Radar replies it's just him. Margaret shoots awake.Margaret: Are you crazy?!
Radar: It's my job. It's midnight. You're on duty.
- Margaret ignores his excuse, vocally suspecting him of ogling her in her sleep. Radar just digs himself deeper by being truthful rather than denying the insinuation outright.Margaret: How long have you been standing there, looking at me?
Radar: Not long, really. Just a little long, honest.
Margaret: Get out of here, you little creep pervert, you. Get out! You're not the first one in this man's army to drool over me with your hot little non-com breath!
Radar: [offended] I didn't! I never breathe around you!
- Radar then tries to leave but accidentally get himself tangled in Margaret's washing.
- Klinger tries his best to mentor Jenkins in handling sentry duty appropriately, demonstrating by holding up Frank.Klinger: You just watch me. Halt, who goes there?
Frank: Uh, it's me. Major Burns.
Klinger: What's the password?
Klinger: I thought it was Carib-bean.
Frank: It's the same thing, you simp!
Klinger: Advance and be recognised, sir.
Frank: Blow it out your nose.
Klinger: [turns to Jenkins] See?
- The scene in the mess tent where Colonel Potter is quietly having a cup of coffee, confident that his friend General Morrisson has had the shelling stopped for good. The shelling then starts up again, startling Potter. His cup upends, spilling the hot coffee into his lap. He stands up, moaning in pain and curses Morrisson.Colonel Potter: I hope he gets stuck in his helmet.
- When Frank learns that Margaret has been collecting all the love letters he sends her, he tears her tent apart (even using a knife to rip apart boards she was using as a wall) searching for them. He eventually falls asleep on the floor, where she finds him after she finishes her night shift. When she confronts him, he sheepishly asks "Have you got a pencil?" and blames all the damage on him trying to find one to leave her a note.
- As Radar is busy trying to get Hawkeye up for duty, something is heard bumping against the door of the Swamp, punctuated by a cry of "RATS!". The something turns out to be someone when B.J. enters the tent. Hawkeye assumes this to be a case of Gosh Dang It to Heck! and asks what happened.
- "Hey, Doc": Potter gets a tank sent to the 4077th to scare away a sniper. Frank brags to Maj. Houlihan how well he can drive said tank and decides to take it for a spin. He does not do well. At all. The tank goes bonkers and drives through half the camp (literally), including flattening the Swamp (sending B.J. combat-rolling out the side through the mosquito netting and running for it), the rampage finally culminating in Potter parking a jeep in front of the tank and ordering Burns (who has no idea how) to stop. He gets out of the way, but the jeep does not. As he surveys the mangled remains of the jeep, a grim-faced Potter draws his pistol and shoots it to put it out of its "misery" like you would a horse.
- Bonus points: Potter is former Army cavalry and earlier in the episode, he refers to tanks as "Today's Cavalry". It's the punchline to one episode long horse joke.
- Even better: It's probably a reference to one of the famous Bill Mauldin's WW2 cartoons, where an old cavalry Sergeant tearfully shoots a broken down jeep.
- "The Bus":
- When Colonel Potter gives the order for officers to walk one hundred yards in a different direction from one another to scout out the area, Frank gets worried about travelling alone in what might be enemy territory. Potter replies to take one of the enlisted men with him. Radar sniggers at this...until he remembers he's the only enlisted man in the group. He turns to an unamused Frank, who thumbs in the direction they're going to take.
- Frank's first scene where he operates the walkie-talkie, trying to contact help with it. He is oblivious or ignorant to the others telling him that it's part of a two-way set, the other being both busted and back at the camp, and he continues to report information over it.Frank: I was just trying to help.
Colonel Potter: Stop trying. That should help right off.
- Burns takes a screwdriver from the North Korean soldier accuses the POW of sabotage (he actually was fixing their broken-down bus). Burns is holding the screwdriver, and...B.J.: (gently pushes the screwdriver down) Careful, that could be loaded.
- In The Tag, B.J. discovers that the second walkie-talkie has been on the bus all along. At his and Hawkeye's urging, the North Korean prisoner speaks into it, leading to Frank hearing him on the other end and believing that he has tapped into enemy communications.
- "Dear Mildred":
- As someone knocks at the office doors while he is writing to his wife, Potter absentmindedly says, "Someone's at the door, dear". Radar, the only other person in the room, thinks Potter is talking to him and goes to answer it.
- In their preparation to lasso the horse, Hawkeye gets into position to draw the horse's attention away from B.J. as he swings the rope. B.J. throws the lasso...and ends up snaring Hawkeye instead.
- Hawkeye and B.J.'s reactions to Radar successfully taming the horse with just his gentle nature.
- The horse giving Hawkeye and B.J. trouble as they try to treat it and remove the shrapnel from its wound, leading it to kick the door of the Supply Shed into pieces.
- "The Kids":
- In Klinger's first appearance, he helps out in the preparations by acting as Major Houlihan's right-hand man and repeating every one of her commands. Since he didn't ask her if he could do this, she gets tired of it and tells him to help on a more active basis. Klinger misses the point, gesturing to his dress as the reason why he can't.Margaret: Are you gonna stand there clowning around or are you going to help me?
Klinger: Major, I guess you haven't noticed. This is not a housedress.
Margaret: Go get in your fatigues.
Klinger: Fatigues in the evening?
Margaret: Move it!
Klinger: [storms off] Is she beautiful?
- Hawkeye's Large Ham reaction to the reason why Frank got awarded the Purple Heart when Frank notes it was due to him getting wounded by a shell fragment when two snipers attacked the camp some time ago.Hawkeye: Hold the phone, Central! I'm the one who treated that eye. That was an eggshell fragment!
- Hawkeye tells the two Korean boys a story about a bad, bad Major. As he is describing the events of the story, which is of course Frank being awarded the Purple Heart, Frank leaps up from his cot behind the boys, revealing he'd been in the scene all along.Frank: If you think I don't know who you're talking about, you're a dumb Dora.
- Seeing that the two boys he was telling the story of Androcles to have fallen asleep, B.J. chooses to cut the story short. Hawkeye treats this as Yank the Dog's Chain.Hawkeye: You're not gonna finish.
B.J.: I think your senility's here ahead of schedule.
Hawkeye: Okay, okay. Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you the version where the Papa Bear comes home alone.
- Doubles as Heartwarming, but after a pregnant refugee has been shot and the doctors manage to save her and her child, Klinger offers to donate a particularly nice article of women's clothing from his collection to her. Potter and Margaret overhear this from the operating table, prompting this exchange:Potter: I've got to get him that discharge.
- Again doubling as Heartwarming, Mulcahy is offering up a prayer for the mother and child, and Klinger bows his head in prayer.Mulcahy: Klinger, I thought you were an atheist.
Klinger: I gave it up for Lent.
- In Klinger's first appearance, he helps out in the preparations by acting as Major Houlihan's right-hand man and repeating every one of her commands. Since he didn't ask her if he could do this, she gets tired of it and tells him to help on a more active basis. Klinger misses the point, gesturing to his dress as the reason why he can't.
- "Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?":
- When bombardier Captain Arnold Chandler shows up at the 4077th convinced he is Jesus Christ, Colonel Flagg shows up, hell-bent on getting Chandler either back in a bomber or hauled up for dereliction of duty. His mixture of metaphors is not lost on Hawkeye and B.J.:Flagg: Chandler's turned chicken. It's my job to cut him off at the pass.
Hawkeye: You're gonna cut a chicken off at the pass?
Flagg: I've got to nip this rotten apple in the bud. This sort of action's contagious. One man decides he's not gonna fight, it catches on. Next thing, you know what you got on your hands?
- The staff decide instead to call in Sidney Freedman, who delivers his diagnosis that the reality of the death and destruction he had caused as a bombardier caused something in Chandler to snap, leading to a trauma-induced belief that he is Jesus Christ. He says that while they may be able to lead him back to the world where he is Arnold Chandler instead of Jesus Christ, he will never be psychologically capable of handling the demands of military service again. Flagg is unimpressed, and his attempt to discredit Sidney leads to a single-line distillation of his entire character:Flagg: I gave you a chance to play ball. Now I'm blowin' the whistle on you, Freedman.
Sidney: Blow away.
Flagg: Colonel Potter, this man, this American, never signed his officer's loyalty oath. And I intend to see that he's thrown out of the service.
Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney!
Hawkeye: I wish I'd thought of that.
B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?
Hawkeye: You crafty devil.
Flagg: Wait a minute!... Wait a minute. You are very smart, Freedman.
Hawkeye: I told you.
Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe, cosy civilian practice.
B.J.: He's onto you, Sid.
Flagg: You're not smart, Freedman. You're dumb. Very dumb! But you've met your match in me! [B.J. can't help chuckling at the poor choice of words]
- The end joke has Klinger attempt the same thing, by walking up to BJ and Hawkeye dressed as Moses.
- When bombardier Captain Arnold Chandler shows up at the 4077th convinced he is Jesus Christ, Colonel Flagg shows up, hell-bent on getting Chandler either back in a bomber or hauled up for dereliction of duty. His mixture of metaphors is not lost on Hawkeye and B.J.:
- "Dear Peggy":
- The contents of Peg's first overseas package includes generally regular stuff, and then...Hawkeye: [looking into the box] Chocolate jockey shorts?
B.J.: [laughing] The Hershey bars melted on them!
- Hawkeye reads a story in Life about fifteen Caltech students piling into the same Volkswagen, so he decides to go one better by squeezing sixteen 4077th staffers (including himself, Father Mulcahy, and, after some persuasion, Margaret) into the same jeep. The shots of the various would-be record-breakers' arms and legs sticking out of the sides and bulging the roof are hysterical.Hawkeye: All right, how many have we got here? Count off!
Jeep passengers: [in unison] ONE! [laughter]
Hawkeye: [grins sarcastically and nods] Fine, all we need is fifteen more. [someone grabs his arm and begins dragging him into the jeep] Wait- WAIT! Wait, wait, wait, I have to take the picture! Wait a minute! [the jeep's horn starts blaring]
- Potter gives a talk to Klinger about how none of them want to be there in Korea, but that they have a job to do. No sooner does he clear off Klinger than does Frank come in to whine about Hawkeye's regular antics. Potter points out that Hawk is just trying to raise Morale, to which Frank says his morale is fine and he likes it there.Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.
- Potter has the idea to train some of the locals as ward orderlies, and unwisely assigns Frank the task of teaching them English. After teaching them how to say "Do you have a fever?" and "I will get the doctor" (but not what they actually mean), he moves on to teaching them pro-U.S., anti-Communist propaganda phrases until Hawkeye relieves him. He starts as Frank did, by teaching the Koreans to say "I will get the nurse", but then moves on to something more useful...Hawkeye: "Frank Burns eats worms."
Koreans: "Frank Burns eats worms."
- Klinger is more desperate than ever to get out of the Army but keeps getting caught by the MPs when he tries to desert. Halfway through the episode's second act, he is caught trying to swim down to the Inchon River, then to the Sea of Japan, then across the Pacific. The MPs drag him into Potter's office as he is dictating a letter to Radar. Klinger rubbishes Potter's insistence that he would have drowned - and puts a self-inflating rubber raft on Potter's desk and pulls the cord. The raft knocks both Radar and Potter to the floor as it inflates.
- Near the end of the episode, Hawkeye and B.J. have had to go back into one of Frank's patients after he develops peritonitis thanks to Frank missing some shell fragments - which horrifies Mulcahy, who, at the behest of visiting chaplain Colonel Hollister (Ned Beatty), wrote to the lad's parents telling them everything was going to be okay with their son. Fortunately, the news after the second surgery is encouraging, and we get the payoff of the Koreans' English lessons:[Mulcahy is nervously pacing outside the hospital building; he moves to sit down, then changes his mind and kneels, but his prayer is interrupted by Hawkeye, B.J., Margaret, Frank, and a group of Korean orderlies exiting the building]
Mulcahy: Is he gonna make it?
Hawkeye: It depends. We could get bombed, there could be an earthquake or Frank could operate on him again.
Mulcahy: Thank God.
Frank: [glares at Hawkeye] Twerp!
[Hawkeye's face lights up, and he turns to the Korean orderlies and points to them in a "That's your cue!" gesture]
Koreans: [in unison] YOU TELL 'IM, FERRET FACE! [Hawkeye and B.J. laugh uproariously as Frank stomps off in a rage, with Margaret hurrying after him]
- In The Stinger, B.J. is finishing his letter to Peg while playing chess with Hawkeye. Two MPs walk past leading what looks like a tree...Hawkeye: Nice try, Klinger!
[the MPs turn the tree around; sure enough, it's Klinger in disguise]
Klinger: I would've made it if not for that dog!
- The contents of Peg's first overseas package includes generally regular stuff, and then...
- In "Of Moose and Men", Frank goes into a dither because a local buried something, thinking it was a mine or a bomb. When it's dug up, B.J. and Hawkeye snark that Frank was excited over a kimchi potnote .B.J.: I'd get title to this land, Major. Before word gets out.
Hawkeye: Don't you understand, man? You've struck coleslaw!
- In "The Gun", Radar is blamed for the loss of a colonel's personal revolver (actually stolen by Frank Burns). Radar eventually gets drunk and confronts the colonel; at the same time, Frank tries to return the gun... and shoots himself in the foot. The stunned look on Radar's face really sells it.Radar: You better believe it, or I'm dead where you stand. [points teddy bear at colonel like a gun, at which point we hear Frank shooting himself in the foot; Radar looks stunned] MY BEAR WENT OFF!
- "Mail Call... Again" reveals (via home video) the face of Radar's mother... who looks astonishingly like a Radar in drag.
- The More I See You has a long sad scene with Hawkeye explaining who Carlye is and how co-dependent their relationship was and that she left him, but theres a perfect Mood Whiplash when he leaves and B.J. makes a oooh-kay face.
- In the episode "The Price of Tomato Juice", Radar is on a call to Sparky, and thanks him for sending him a copy of Fanny Hill, which, due to missing pages, Radar has mistaken for a "whodnit" style mystery novel, and asks Sparky who did it in the end. Sparky informs him that "Everyone did it.
- The episode has insects everywhere, and Hawkeye/B.J. are trying to fumigate. Hawkeye accidentally sprays B.J. in the face, and mewls out an Im really sorry that comes off like the spraying wasnt meant to happen in the script.
- "Bug Out":
- The unit tries to find a new site for the camp. Potter has Mulcahy bless the new site (apparently a customary measure) and then Burns tries to pass what he's saying along the line of jeeps and trucks. The Death Glare Potter gives him could melt steel. Then they find out what else is in the site: a bunch of women using the schoolhouse as a brothel. Frank doesn't get it.Potter: The oldest profession.
Burns: [surprised] A bakery?
Burns: [excited] Tarts? Peach? Raspberry?
Hunnicutt: [clearly trying to not fall over laughing] Frank, it's a brothel.
Burns: A den of iniquity? Here? Permission to get a squad and evict them by force, Sir! [blows the whistle he's been using all episode]
Potter: [yanks the whistle out of his hands] CONFISCATED!
- As tense as the moment is, Hawkeye, Margaret, and Radar running around like headless chickens is prime comedy. The Chinese are coming, so they rush to hide in one of the tents, all three trying to pass through the door at once... only to make it inside and notice the whole thing is an empty frame. With a door in it.
- The unit tries to find a new site for the camp. Potter has Mulcahy bless the new site (apparently a customary measure) and then Burns tries to pass what he's saying along the line of jeeps and trucks. The Death Glare Potter gives him could melt steel. Then they find out what else is in the site: a bunch of women using the schoolhouse as a brothel. Frank doesn't get it.
- In "Out of Sight, Out of Mind", Hawkeye is temporarily blinded by a stove exploding in his face. As he sits in his tent Frank comes in through the door, whistling. It's easy to miss, but the tune Frank is whistling? "Three Blind Mice".
- "The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan":
- Margaret leaves camp to deliver a local woman's baby, and only Klinger knows where she is, but he is half-asleep when asked by Radar and mumbles "She's having a baby". So the 4077th make the mistake of recruiting the assistance of Army "intelligence" in the form of Colonel Flagg, leading to this gem:Potter: Flagg, let's not cause any more casualties.
Flagg: What's war without casualties?
Flagg: If it wasn't for war, you wouldn't know what peace was!
B.J.: [to Hawkeye] He has a point.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.
- Klinger to a little Korean girl in camp:Klinger: This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
- Margaret leaves camp to deliver a local woman's baby, and only Klinger knows where she is, but he is half-asleep when asked by Radar and mumbles "She's having a baby". So the 4077th make the mistake of recruiting the assistance of Army "intelligence" in the form of Colonel Flagg, leading to this gem:
- Throughout the episode "Dear Sigmund", pranks have been played on just about everyone by B.J. Hunnicutt. At one point, Sidney the psychiatrist exits the tent to find Frank digging an air raid shelter to hide in, just in case. Towards the end of the episode, Sidney comes outside to find Hunnicutt whistling as he fills the shelter with water. He asks if Sidney wants to help and tells him to shout "air raid" as loud as he can. Sidney does so, and Hilarity Ensues.Sidney: Air raid!!
Frank: (snaps awake in his bunk) AIR RAID!?!? (sprints outside) AIR RAAAAAAAIID!!! (makes a flying leap into his shelter and lands with a loud "sploosh")
- In "Mulcahy's War" , Col. Potter and Hawkeye have to instruct Fr. Mulcahy, over the radio, in how to perform an emergency tracheotomy. The Fr. succeeds and signs off over the radio.Potter: Well, what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think I'm an idiot. I came all the way to Korea to do surgery when I could have stayed at home and phoned it in.
- "Hawkeye, Get Your Gun":
- B.J. hands Hawkeye his gun as he and Potter head to a Korean Army hospital suffering a staff shortage.B.J.: [to Hawkeye] Your artillery, pard.
Potter: Is it loaded?
B.J.: I filled it with water myself.
Hawkeye: Look out everyone, I shoot to drown!
- Later in the episode, Potter and Hawkeye are getting drunk on their way back to the 4077th when they are pinned down by enemy fire and seek refuge in a foxhole. Potter insists Hawkeye join him in returning fire:[Potter fires his sidearm back at the enemy]
Hawkeye: What are you shooting for?
Potter: [ducking back into the foxhole] Well, that's the way this game is played. They shoot at us, we shoot at them. The last one to shoot wins. [hands over Hawkeye's sidearm] Here. It's your turn.
Hawkeye: Oh, no, no, no, no. The reason they're shooting is that they're angry. If I shoot back, they'll just get angrier.
Potter: Pierce, you got a good sense of humor but a lousy sense of timing. Fire that weapon.
Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [to gun] You're fired. [hands the gun back to Potter] I did it as gently as I could. [crosses his legs lazily]
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye: [snaps his fingers in the air] Oh, waiter. Would you take this man's order, please?
Potter: Fire the gun, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Look, Colonel. I'll treat their wounds, heal their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds!
- B.J. hands Hawkeye his gun as he and Potter head to a Korean Army hospital suffering a staff shortage.
- This little exchange from "The Colonel's Horse", in response to Hawkeye and B.J. complaining about having to put up with Frank Burns as acting Commanding Officer whilst Colonel Potter is in Tokyo:B.J.: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down, have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
- In "Exorcism", some locals set up a good-luck totem in the camp, but are forced to take it down. Bad things start happening to the camp, culminating in one of the locals getting injured. The man refuses to be operated on until the OR is exorcised, so Hawkeye walks up to the building and rattles off the names of a few medications.Hawkeye: Sodium amoxicilic! Phenobarb and arcephenomene! [Frank walks out of the building] My god, it worked!
- In "The Most Unforgettable Characters", Klinger sits down and starts pouring what appears to be gasoline over himself, in preparation of setting himself on fire, in another attempt to get a Section 8. Colonel Potter calls Klinger into his office to try to talk him out of it, takes a curious sniff, and whispers something to Radar behind Klinger's back. A minute later, Klinger rejects Potter's offer and storms back out to resume pouring the "gasoline" over himself. At the first splash, Klinger spits out the real gasoline, then yells "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?!?" He gets up and runs into a nearby shower tent. A nurse runs out, screaming and covering herself with a towel.
- The entirety of "Movie Tonight".
- Everyone passing Mulcahy's hat around for the "Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest".Hawkeye: [high voice] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
Klinger: [high voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Frank: [high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
Margaret: [high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
Radar: Sorry, Father. [high voice] It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
Potter: [high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
- Bonus: all the impressions of Mulcahy sound like a drunk Mickey Mouse.
- Everyone passing Mulcahy's hat around for the "Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest".
- "Fade Out, Fade In" provides a hilarious farewell for the (absent) Frank Burns and an equally hilarious welcome for Charles Winchester.
- After Hawkeye, B.J., and Potter learn that Frank Burns has been committed for psychiatric observation and transferred out of the 4077th:
- Hawkeye's final conversation with Frank ends with Hawkeye throwing the phone out of the office, leaving poor Radar to chase it down. B.J. asks what happened and Hawkeye responds with, "The Army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all chargesnote , they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel." B.J. immediately grabs for the phone just as Radar has brought it back in, and Radar holds on as tight as he can until B.J. gives up and leaves.
- Winchester's Establishing Character Moment after making Hawkeye's snake-in-the-bed prank backfire.
- The conclusion of "Last Laugh". Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J. have returned from clearing B.J. of an offense committed by his old friend Bardonaro. They're drunk out of their gourds, and in the Swamp, Bardonaro waits because B.J. has his travel orders for home. He tells Bardonaro to take the jeep, "It's all gassed up." After Bardonaro leaves, B.J. receives a bill from the hotel where the offense took place—$580 in damages. He and Hawkeye laugh about it, then:Hawkeye: What the hell are we laughing at?
B.J.: Oh, he'll be walking back here in about an hour.
Hawkeye: He'll be walking back??
B.J.: The only thing gassed up in that jeep was us! [He and Hawkeye totally lose it]
- Also funny is, when B.J. gets the bill, Hawkeye is nearly passed out in bed. B.J. reacts by yelling, "Bardonaro!" and Hawkeye instantly pops up and yells, "Bardonaro, you creep!" without knowing why.
- From "The Winchester Tapes":
- Colonel Potter painting Winchester's portrait weeks after his arrival:Winchester: This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting AWAY!
Potter: (infuriated) DON'T CHANGE THE COLOR OF YOUR FACE!! I'M OUT OF UMBER!!
- And then Potter reveals Winchester's portrait... painted just as angry, irascible, and open-mouthed as his likeness. And it hangs in the background for the rest of the series.
- Hawkeye gets a letter from a nurse inviting him for a hot weekend in Tokyo. He's trying to get some gear together so he can go and wants to borrow B.J.'s pajamas.
- The closing line of the episode, where Winchester makes a plea to his parents on his cassette recordings:Winchester: [Sighs] Finally, a peaceful moment to conclude this tape. The would-be Lothario Pierce is sound asleep and the 38-hour day is done. Now, Mother and Dad... I will put this as eloquently and succinctly as possible.
(Beat as he tries to pour a cup of tea, fails, then pulls a rubber chicken out of his teapot)
Winchester: Get me the HELL out of here!!
- Colonel Potter painting Winchester's portrait weeks after his arrival:
- In "Change Day", Potter gets a little snarky when Hawkeye rubs him the wrong way:Potter: (chuckling) You know, Pierce, sometimes you can be very funny. (suddenly deadpan) And then there's now.
- Father Mulcahey goes full ham over the PA system, with Hawkeye's fruitless attempts to stem the flow of holy fury:"Attention, all personnel. Well, uh, not all personnel. This is Father Mulcahy, addressing the one personnel who stole the money entrusted to Captain Pierce. You may think you've reaped a profit by this act, but as ye sow, so shall ye reap! Robbery itself is a sin, but robbery of your comrades-in-arms is an abomination before the Lord and A REALLY DIRTY TRICK!"
"That should do it, Father."
"VENGEANCE IS MINE, sayeth the Lord! Oh, ye generation of VIPERS!"
"I think that did it."
"And he who blasphemeth against the Holy Spirit better that man had never been born!"
Eventually, looking a touch shamefaced and/or drunk on power, he winds down, signs off, and blesses the microphone.
"Uh, how'd I do?"
- Father Mulcahey goes full ham over the PA system, with Hawkeye's fruitless attempts to stem the flow of holy fury:
- Hawkeye singing "Goober Peas" in "Comrades in Arms".Hawkeye: [singing in deep, goofy fashion] Peas peas peas....eating goober's peas....oooOOOOOHhhhhh HOW DELICIOUS....
Margaret: WILL YOU STOP THAT!?
- When Margaret needs a pregnancy test in "What's Up, Doc?", Radar allows his rabbit to be used, provided the doctors not kill it. Hawkeye and Margaret manage to perform surgery on a rabbit despite having no experience or idea of what they're doing. Margaret thanks him afterward, and Radar says, "That's all right, Major. You'd've done the same for her."
- "The Smell of Music" presents: Hawkeye and B.J.'s B.O. versus Charles' French horn.
- In "Patent 4077" — in which the B-plot is Margaret having lost her wedding ring — Hawkeye and B.J. get the bright idea to ask a traveling merchant with a lot of dubious gear to craft a replacement, after recognizing one of the rings he has as the exact same model. Not only does the merchant himself try and talk them out of buying the ring, as he regards it with clear shame, his reaction to Penobscot's "romantic" inscription is a heartfelt "Pee-yew!" To cap it all off, he tells them that he'll build them a surgical tool they desperately need for only $10 because "Anybody willing to buy this crummy ring deserves a break!"
- How did Margeret know the ring was fake: the inscription was "Over hill, over dale, our love will ever fail". Becomes Harsher in Hindsight when Penobscot treats her like shit and later divorces her.
- "Colonel Potter's Retirement":
- A mole is sending reports to the Inspector General about Col. Potter and he's debating retiring as a result. Hawkeye and B.J. confront Charles, assuming that with his grudge against Potter he'd be a logical informant. Charles's response is as always, erudite and hilarious.Charles: There are no informers in my family! Winchesters do not spy! [Beat] We do on occasion hire them...
- At the end of that scene Charles takes a drink out of a bottle of hair tonic that was in his footlocker. When Hawkeye points out to him what he's drinking Charles retorts that it's actually Scotch; with Hawkeye and B.J. around, he didn't dare keep it in the original bottle. Hawkeye immediately reacts in disgust.Hawkeye: Eugggh!
B.J.: What's the matter?
Hawkeye: I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!
- A mole is sending reports to the Inspector General about Col. Potter and he's debating retiring as a result. Hawkeye and B.J. confront Charles, assuming that with his grudge against Potter he'd be a logical informant. Charles's response is as always, erudite and hilarious.
- "Major Topper":
- In one subplot, Klinger has been assigned a new tentmate: Corporal Miller (Hamilton Camp), who turns out to actually be even crazier than Klinger pretends to be.
- The tone is set when they are on mess tent duty and Miller pretends his ladle is a microphone, with which he goes around interviewing the other personnel:Miller: [walking across the tent, speaking into his ladle] "Boots" Miller, on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged - you can see it in their faces. I'm about to interview one of these brave and courageous young soldiers! [heads over to Col. Potter] What's your name, soldier, and whaddaya do? [holds the ladle toward his CO]
Potter: [trying to dodge the gravy dripping from the ladle] My name's Colonel Potter, soldier, and I bust wiseacres like you.
Miller: [into the ladle, jovially] Ha-HA, these Brooklyn boys have a language all their own. How 'bout you, trooper? [holds the ladle toward Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Please, I have ladle fright. [B.J. waves his hand eagerly; Miller holds the ladle toward him]
B.J.: Hi, Mom!
Potter: Klinger, you in charge of this man?
Klinger: [marching across to Miller] Miller, gimme that!...
Miller: [covering the ladle] PLEASE! We're on the air!
B.J.: Klinger? Protegé of yours?
Klinger: Whaddaya think, I'm crazy!? [walks up to Miller; sotto voce] Listen, this place ain't big enough for two psychos, c'mon.
Miller: [ignoring Klinger as he sees someone enter the tent] Aha! Here's a young lad with the peach fuzz still fresh on his cheeks. [the "young lad" is revealed to be an unamused Margaret] How old are ya, sonny? [holds the ladle toward her]
Margaret: "Sonny"? What's going on here?
Miller: Now, now, don't be nervous! [holds the ladle toward her again]
Margaret: Why is this man talking into a spoon?
Hawkeye: They're out of forks. [B.J. shrugs]
Margaret: Just stay away from me. [to Klinger] Isn't one of you enough!? [heads to the mess table]
Miller: [rhapsodically] Ah, now, let's pause for a musical salute for these brave young soldiers! It's Rosemary Clooney and "Come On-a My House"! [starts dancing and singing falsetto] "Come on-a my house, my house, I'm-a gonna give you candy..." [continues to sing as he dances out of the tent]
Potter: Klinger, you'd better keep an eye on Rosemary Looney.
- Later that evening, Miller has gone from pretending the ladle is a microphone to pretending it's a movie camera:Miller: [as a whistling Klinger returns from the showers in a robe and shower cap] Hold it right there, son, I'm from Movietone News and I wanna get your picture! [mimes turning the crank on a camera] Now, just act natural, stay in the light...
Klinger: [humouring him] Come off it, Miller, who you kidding? You can't take a picture with a microphone!
Miller: [as Klinger turns sideways on relative to him] No, uh, no profile shots, please, I don't have a wide angle lens.
- Later that night, when Klinger relieves Miller on guard duty, Miller tells him that enemy gliders have been circling overhead for hours on reconnaissance missions, which Klinger shrugs off... until Miller starts opening fire on the imaginary planes, startling the entire camp. Klinger re-assures the other enlisted personnel, then bawls Miller out for a dangerous stunt that could get them killed, saying that if Potter gave him a Section 8 that night, he'd give it to Miller instead. He shoos Miller away by playing to his anthropomorphisation of his shoes and socks, and as Miller scurries back to the tent, Klinger can only watch in disbelief.Klinger: The only thing I don't understand is why he's not an officer...
- So Klinger reports Miller's erratic behaviour to Col. Potter, who doesn't believe him - until he witnesses said behaviour himself:Klinger: Sir, I've gotta talk to you.
Potter: Not now, Klinger, I'm due at a forty wink festival.
Klinger: But it's about Corporal Miller! You told me to keep an eye on him.
Potter: What is it, is he wearing your dresses?
Klinger: No, he's past that, sir. He talks to his socks.
Potter: As long as he keeps them clean.
Klinger: Colonel, during guard duty, he shot down imaginary enemy gliders with not-so-imaginary bullets!
Potter: Klinger, I'd like to do my dreaming in bed.
Klinger: Colonel, it's the truth! Right now, he's in the field, interrogating the two "glider pilots"!
Potter: And you're upset 'cause you didn't think of it first.
Klinger: I'm tellin' you, the guy is Looney Tunes, and [à la Porky Pig] ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-that's all folks!
Potter: [points at Klinger] I got it, you're workin' with him! Well, the two of you together don't add up to a Section 4! Good night. [turns to leave]
Klinger: [stops Potter in his tracks] Take it from me, the guy is funny from the funny farm, [mimes wearing a straitjacket] wraparound jacket and all! [in the background, Miller marches back from the field, gun at the ready]
Miller: Left, left, left, left... present ARMS! [points his rifle toward Potter and Klinger, but not at them] All right you two! Move over there! [watches his imaginary prisoners head across to the OR exterior wall] Keep your hands in sight, move slow, and NO TALKING!
Klinger: Colonel, may I present a lunatic?
Miller: Colonel Potter, is there somewhere we can keep these two dangerous prisoners?
Klinger: [singing] "In the rubber room..."
Potter: Corporal, put the gun down, you're givin' me the shakes.
Miller: Sir, that's ridiculous! I got two dangerous prisoners here! If I put this gun down, they'll disappear in a minute!
Potter: [gently] Miller... let's talk about this. Hand Klinger the rifle. He'll watch the prisoners.
Klinger: [in the same tone as Potter] You just show me where they are.
Miller: Okay. [starts to walk toward Potter and Klinger, then suddenly whirls around] HALT! [fires in the direction from which he arrived as Potter and Klinger hit the deck, face down] Oh no! They've got another glider, they're taking off! HALT! [runs back the way he came, continuing to fire]
Potter: [as he and Klinger turn to each other] When he runs out of ammunition, bulldog him! I'll be in my office, doin' the paperwork to get him out of here!
Klinger: Oh, Colonel, as long as you're filling out one Section 8 form, what would it hurt to do another? [Miller fires another shot; Potter and Klinger immediately turn face down again]
- In The Tag, Klinger enters the mess tent with a package for Col. Potter... from Miller. The package contains a "Mr. Sock" toy, of which Miller claims in the accompanying letter to have sold over 50,000 in his new job as VP for R&D at a toy company. He writes that he has a new idea for a toy called "Enemy Glider" based on the one he shot down, but says that while he has been able to reproduce the pilot, he can't remember what the glider looked like and asks if they took any photographs of it. Potter and even Klinger admit this is Actually Pretty Funny.
- The tone is set when they are on mess tent duty and Miller pretends his ladle is a microphone, with which he goes around interviewing the other personnel:
- In another subplot, Hawkeye and B.J. keep letting themselves get roped into tall tale-telling contests with Charles, which he inevitably wins with stories he insists are true.
- The competition begins during a marathon OR session on the passengers of a troop truck of Marines that fell off a cliff. Charles may be relatively new to "meatball surgery", but his surgical career is still extensive:B.J.: Ah, this guy landed right on his chest, he's got fractured ribs, lacerated lung, I'll have to do a lobectomy.
Charles: If there's too much of a problem, uh, Hunnicutt, I can take it, there's a fractured femur here for you.
B.J.: [smiling thinly below his mask] Thanks all the same, Charles, but I've done at least fifty of these.
Charles: [scoffs] Oh-ho, really! That's almost half as many as I've done.
Hawkeye: I beg your pardon, rookie, but in what war?
Charles: The big one! The War of the Boston Commuters. [Hawkeye looks at Margaret, who is assisting him, and rolls his eyes] The contingency does not exist for which I am not prepared, you name it, I've done it successfully.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah? Have you ever done a mesenteric arterial thrombosis?
Charles: Before or after medical school?
Margaret: Dr. Winchester leads, one to nothing.
B.J.: Oh yeah? How about an abdominal aortic aneurysm?
Charles: Yes, but it was very difficult.
Hawkeye: Ohhh, you actually admit that...
Charles: Yes, of course I do - it was during a power blackout.
Potter: The snow's getting pretty thick in here...
Charles: How many people in this room can say they have performed a portacaval shunt?
Hawkeye: I can do a cartwheel.
B.J.: During an appendectomy.
Charles: I thought so.
Margaret: Game, set, and match to Major Winchester!
Hawkeye: He hasn't won anything! We're just as good as he is. Now, the hip bone is connected to the neck bone - no, no, no, it's connected to the thigh bone - no, wait a minute...
- Later, B.J. gets a letter from home with news about a notorious beer drinker he knows back in California, and the one-upsmanship begins anew:B.J.: [reading the letter] Oh-ho-ho-ho! How 'bout this one?
B.J.: "Beer Belly" Gus broke his own record!
Hawkeye: That's unbelievable!... what's a "Beer Belly Gus"?
B.J.: Just the biggest brew guzzler in the West! [shows Hawkeye the letter] Says right here he just chug-a-lugged a whole half keg at the Petaluma Lumberjack Festival!
Hawkeye: [waves his hand dismissively] That's as easy as falling off a log! Lemme tell you about Skowhegan Seth, our old Maine fishing guide. He once fell in a seven-foot brewer's vat. [Charles smiles, clearly not believing a word] He'd have drowned if he hadn't drunk himself down to five feet!
B.J.: Can you imagine what he'd have done if he'd had pretzels with him?
Charles: Gentlemen, your tall tales are... mildly... amusing, er, care to hear a short, true one?
Hawkeye: [as Col. Potter and Fr. Mulcahy join them at the table] Gather 'round the campfire, partners. Old Gabby Winchester is about to open a crock of Boston baked bull!
Potter: You boys never give up, do you?
Charles: My story can be verified.
Mulcahy: I have my Bible if you'd like to swear on it. [holds it up as proof]
Charles: [nods] Perhaps... later. [Hawkeye and B.J. look at him expectantly] Paddy O'Gorman, our former handyman, was a prodigious drinker. At my sister's wedding, when it came time to toast the happy couple, there was not a bottle of champagne to be found. We looked down the aisle, and, ah, there was Paddy, belching from the bubbly, setting up all his empties for his own private bowling tournament!
- In yet another subplot, the 4077th are down to a single box of morphine, and the first patient to whom they administer it has an adverse reaction, leading them to junk the whole box for fear of contamination and instead give the patients placebo pills until another shipment of morphine arrives the next day. Despite Charles' scepticism, it works on most of the patients. Later, the three Swampmen and Col. Potter are expressing their astonishment that it worked - well, most of them are astonished. Not Charles:Hawkeye: It was just amazing.
Charles: Obviously to a Maine boy, it would be.
Hawkeye: Oh, and you've witnessed better?
Charles: [scoffs] Of course I have! Massachusetts General, '47, appendectomy - no anaesthesia.
B.J.: I know, your handyman inhaled it all!
Charles: Dr. Babcock put the patient under by hypnotising him with his gold watch.
Hawkeye: And when he woke up, his appendix, the watch, and the doctor were gone!
Charles: Jest if you like, it's all there in the Massachusetts medical records.
Hawkeye: Now I have a reason to go home, I wanna look that up.
Charles: Wouldn't help you a bit, Pierce, it doesn't have pictures. [laughs, then gets up and leaves]
Hawkeye: [sarcastically imitates Charles' laughter, then turns to B.J.] I'm gonna get that guy.
B.J.: I hate to top you, but I'm gonna get that guy.
Hawkeye: Would you settle for we're gonna get that guy?
Potter: Come on, little boys, you've had a busy day.
Hawkeye: [as he and B.J. get up to follow Potter out of the tent] I'm sick and tired of Charles topping us every time we open our mouths.
Potter: Yeah, he does do his best to humiliate you, but that's part of his charm. [exits the mess tent, followed by the two captains; cut to an outside shot of the tent]
Hawkeye: Care to join us in the big top, sir? We're gonna work him over.
Potter: Thanks, I'll read about it in the court-martial.
- And finally, when the one-upsmanship breaks out again, Charles has pictorial proof that shuts Hawkeye and B.J. up for good:Hawkeye: Hey Beej, did I ever tell you about Lenore Clement, voted Miss New England of 1949?
B.J.: Noooo, d'ya know her?
Hawkeye: Are you kidding? I knew her when she was Miss Maine of '48, and even Miss Crabapple Cove of '47!
Hawkeye: I painted a swimsuit on her.
B.J.: Oh-ho! Funny you should mention swimsuits; once, down in Hollywood, I dated Esther Williams' stand-in.
B.J.: I could kiss her for an hour at a time, she could hold her breath so long!
Hawkeye: [grinning] Tell me, was she, uh... beautiful?
B.J.: Gorgeous. From her head to her gills.
Charles: Ever hear of Audrey Hepburn?
B.J.: Sure, big brown eyes, beautiful smile, lot of talent... I understand she can act, too.
Hawkeye: And you dated her stand-in, right?
Charles: Course not! Dated her.
Hawkeye: [as he and B.J. rise to their feet in disgust] Oh, COME ON!
B.J.: Thaaat's it, we're callin' you on this one, Charles.
Hawkeye: Look, Charles, we've had enough of your lies. Your handyman, okay. The hypnotist, maybe.
Hawkeye: But Audrey Hepburn!?
B.J.: [laughing along with Hawkeye] It's just a laugh!
Hawkeye: Never! I've seen her, and not only couldn't you date her, she wouldn't let you into a theatre where one of her movies was playing! [B.J. laughs again]
Charles: Actually, I've, I've never seen any of her films.
B.J.: Aha, right, yeah.
Charles: I just had dinner with her.
Hawkeye: [as he and B.J. start laughing again] Don't you ever give up?!
B.J.: Face it, Mother Goose, we gotcha this time!
Hawkeye: Quasimodo would have a better chance of dating Audrey Hepburn than you!
Charles: [digging into his pocket] Heh... gentlemen... [Hawkeye and B.J. point at him and laugh in disbelief as he pulls out his wallet] I... [scoffs] I hate to do this... [pulls a picture out of the wallet and hands it to a laughing Hawkeye; Hawkeye looks at the photo and immediately stops laughing]
B.J.: [still grinning] What is it, lemme see.
Hawkeye: Nothing, nothing. It's just a picture of Audrey Hepburn having dinner with... I can't say it. Charles.
B.J.: It's a fake! [grabs the picture and looks at it] It's NOT a fake!
Hawkeye: I'm gonna be sick.
Charles: [beaming] A charming little girl. Lovely Old World manners, appetite of a bird!
B.J.: Guess that shows you. [hands the picture back to Charles]
Charles: When will you two cretins realise that your feeble imaginations cannot keep up with my real life.
Hawkeye: Oh, yeah?
Charles: Brilliant riposte, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, YEAH?
B.J.: C'mon, Hawk, next he'll be telling us how he climbed Mount Everest. [they move toward their cots]
Charles: You know, it's very strange you should mention climbing.
Hawkeye: ... He went up Everest. [he and B.J. stand up again]
Charles: Well, not yet, no, the Matterhorn. In winter. Well, it's more sporting that way!
Hawkeye: That's it. THAT'S it! [lies down on his cot]
B.J.: Uncle! Uncle! [lies down on his cot]
Charles: I'll never forget the morning we set out - eighty mile an hour winds. [Hawkeye pulls his blanket over his head and puts his pillow on top of it for good measure] Lars, our guide, immediately doubled his fee. [B.J. grabs a white hanky and waves it in surrender] I fired him, of course, led the expedition myself... [fade to black]
- The competition begins during a marathon OR session on the passengers of a troop truck of Marines that fell off a cliff. Charles may be relatively new to "meatball surgery", but his surgical career is still extensive:
- In one subplot, Klinger has been assigned a new tentmate: Corporal Miller (Hamilton Camp), who turns out to actually be even crazier than Klinger pretends to be.
- "Commander Pierce":
- With General Hammond having been replaced as head of I Corps by General Embry, Col. Potter is summoned to Seoul for a meeting (which, judging from the few scenes we see of him there, is a purely social occasion during which the officers drink heavily and swap stories). So a replacement CO must be appointed...
- Charles, as a major, is the natural first choice; unfortunately, he's sick as a dog, so the "honour" falls to Hawkeye instead:[the camera pans across the Swamp as we hear Charles wheezing and snorting in a failed attempt to clear his blocked sinuses; B.J. turns face down into his pillow, while Hawkeye puts his pillow over his head]
Charles: Oh, dear... [sits upright from where he is hunched over the steam from a kettle, a blanket over his head] Ohhhh, if only I could breathe...
Hawkeye: [unsympathetic] Ohh, if only I could sleep!
Charles: [likewise] Why should you rest when my sinuses are pounding out the "Anvil" chorus?
B.J.: Charles, you're blowing a good night's sleep for us all!
Charles: [staggering to his feet] Drip, drip, drip... this is making a shambles of my throat! [grabs a bottle of mouthwash and a tin cup]
B.J.: NOW what!? [Charles takes a swig of mouthwash and gargles with it]
Hawkeye: Oh, good, he's drowning.
Potter: [entering] Evening, boys. [Charles spits the mouthwash into the cup] Same to you, Winchester. You're just the man I wanna see.
B.J.: Could you see him outside?
Potter: You'll wanna hear this too. [sits down] There's been a big shake-up at I Corps. General Embry has replaced General Hammond, and Embry wants a pow-wow with all the major officers in his command tomorrow.
Charles: [deadpan] That's fascinating, Colonel, especially at this hour of the night - what makes you think I could find this of the remotest possible interest?
Potter: Just this, Señor Hoity-Toity: as of 0600, I will be en route to Seoul, and you will be interim commander of this post. Congratulations.
Hawkeye: [sitting up on his cot] Charles in command?! That's like giving Captain Bligh his own fleet!
Charles: Colonel, I'm touched that you thought of me, but it's out of the question.
Potter: [standing up and walking across to Charles] It wasn't an offer, it was an order.
Charles: And under ordinary circumstances, I would be happy to comply, but my sinuses are clogged, and they're ready to burst! [takes Potter's hand and puts the back of it against his forehead] Here, feel that, feel right there...
Potter: [pulling his hand back in disgust] Major! We don't know each other that well. [rubbing the back of his hand] All right, Winchester, you're off the hook. [sits next to Hawkeye] Pierce, you're temporary CO.
Hawkeye: I'm who!?
B.J.: There goes the war.
- And no amount of persuasion will sway Potter, although Hawkeye is at least able to get Charles and his noisy sinus infection out of the Swamp so he and B.J. can sleep in peace:Hawkeye: OHHH no! No you don't! I'm unfit for command!
Potter: You have a cold, hangnail, warts?
Hawkeye: And scurvy!
Potter: You're still it.
Hawkeye: What about B.J.?!
B.J.: I don't want it. [lies back down on his pillow]
Potter: That's good enough for me.
Potter: You've got seniority, Pierce!
Hawkeye: But I'm a coward! My insignia's a cringing chicken! I don't know how to give orders!
Potter: That's all right, no-one around here knows how to take 'em. [gets up to leave] Don't worry, Radar knows the routine.
B.J.: Colonel? How long will you be gone?
Potter: No idea. I've seen these things take an hour or three days.
B.J.: We'll leave a marker where the camp was.
Potter: Get some sleep, commander: 0600 gets here early. 'Night, boys. [Charles is seized by a coughing fit] Courage, Camille. [exits]
B.J.: [deadpan] Hawk? I'm truly happy for you.
Charles: So am I, it's like one of those Westerns where the town drunk becomes sheriff! [takes another swig of mouthwash]
Hawkeye: [impatiently] All right, here's my first command! [points at Charles] You! Bubble cheeks! Get your steam room and your gargle out of here and into Post Op on the double!
Charles: [spits out the mouthwash; defiantly] I will not!
Hawkeye: [bolting to his feet] You will for your commander! Ten-HUT! [leaning in Charles' face] Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!...
Charles: I will to get away from my commander. [gets up and heads to the door]
Hawkeye: Good! Left, left, right, right, left, right, right! [Charles exits; Hawkeye turns to B.J.] Well, that wasn't so bad.
- Charles, as a major, is the natural first choice; unfortunately, he's sick as a dog, so the "honour" falls to Hawkeye instead:
- In the final scene, Potter has returned, to the relief of Hawkeye, B.J., Margaret, and Radar. After several days of trying and failing to get Hawkeye to give him a Section 8, Klinger tries his luck on the returning colonel, with worse than usual results:Klinger: [strides into Potter's office carrying flowers and chocolates, all smiles] Colonel, I missed you!
Potter: [not even looking up from the papers he is signing] No.
Klinger: About my heart murmur, sir-
Klinger: My double vision is coming back-
Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat-
Klinger: [dejected] Glad to have you back, sir. [takes the flowers and chocolates and leaves]
- With General Hammond having been replaced as head of I Corps by General Embry, Col. Potter is summoned to Seoul for a meeting (which, judging from the few scenes we see of him there, is a purely social occasion during which the officers drink heavily and swap stories). So a replacement CO must be appointed...
- The bathtub saga in "None Like it Hot" has several.
- Hawkeye and B.J. have ordered a collapsible bathtub to beat the summer heat, initially planning to keep its existence a secret between themselves when it occurs to them that if word gets out, the entire camp will want a bath. Unfortunately, Charles returns to the Swamp just as they are trying to hide it and initially assumes it's a gift from his family. Hawkeye and B.J. rebuff his attempts to persuade them to let him use it - until he plays the ace up his sleeve:Charles: [as Hawkeye and B.J. scramble to fold up the tub and return it to its sleeve] A tub!? What are you two doing with my tub?!
B.J.: What makes you think it's yours?!
Charles: Well, it's characteristic of my family to send me one!
Hawkeye: We bought this from our relatives, Abercrombie & Fitch!
B.J.: To make a long story short, Charles, you come out high and dry!
Charles: [calmly] Your middle class sense of decency and fair play will overwhelm the malice you now bear me, and soon I shall be luxuriating in that canvas Xanadu. [Beat] And, if that craps out, I'll just bribe ya silly.
B.J.: [scoffs] Not on your life, boy!
Charles: All right... [heads across to the desk, sneering] Perhaps you gentlemen wouldn't be averse to, uh... [sits down] to a little blackmail. [Hawkeye and B.J. freeze; Charles turns to face the exterior netting] Oh, ca-amp!
Hawkeye, B.J.: [racing over to Charles, who grins smugly] NO!
B.J.: Fifty people wouldn't fit in that tub!
Hawkeye: You wouldn't tell everybody about our tub, would you?
Charles: Not if I'm in it.
- Hawkeye takes the first bath in pre-op, giggling like a fool, singing, and squeezing a rubber ducky. Meanwhile, B.J. is outside, trying to dissuade Father Mulcahy from coming in. B.J. is talking calmly to the Father as if nothing's wrong. You can clearly hear Hawkeye laughing hysterically in the background, along with the quacking of the duck. When the Father finds out, he chides them but acknowledges that they need to hide the tub. Then Margaret bursts in (having learned of the bath from Charles in exchange for letting him use her bubble bath). Bear in mind that all Hawkeye has on right now is a small towel.Margaret: (lustily) I want it!
Hawkeye: Women often have that reaction when they see me naked.
- Before long, the whole camp knows about the bathtub, and Col. Potter imposes a ten-minute limit on its use; there are frequently over a dozen people queueing up to use it. And soon, tempers fray...Zale: Hey, hurry up in there, nobody's that dirty!
Charles: [joining the queue behind Zale] How would you know?
Zale: [sarcastically, with accompanying gesture of "deference"] Oh, pardon me.
Charles: I cannot. You are inexcusable.
Zale: Listen, Major, just because you live in this line doesn't mean you own it.
Charles: Curb your tongue, dogface!
Private: [cutting into the queue in front of Zale and patting the man in front of him on the forearm] Thanks for saving my place.
Zale: Whaddya mean your place? Your place is behind him! [gestures to Charles]
Private: Nothin' doin'! I forgot my shampoo, now I'm back where I was.
Zale: You're gonna be some place you've never been if you don't get outta here!
Private: Make me!
Charles: [as the two begin scuffling] Now, now, now... (Idiots.) [the queue gradually dissolves into a crowd watching the fight; Charles casually walks toward the bath tent throughout the following] Hey, there's a fight... good fight over here... throw some water on them... break it up, there's a war on, you know... [toward the tent] Hey, there's a fight out here, good fight... [the occupant of the tent exits to watch the fight; Charles turns to the oblivious crowd with a smug grin] Gentlemen. [he disappears into the tent]
- Better still, Potter breaks up the fight and immediately prohibits anyone from using the tub. The saddened crowd departs, leaving Winchester inside to soak in the tub listening to his classical music for as long as he likes.
- Klinger's attempt to get a Section 8 in this episode involves wrapping up in fur coats and long underwear and drinking hot chocolate in spite of the heat; Potter decides that if he keeps the charade up for 24 hours, he will give him a discharge. With just one hour to go, Klinger snaps, strips off his warm clothes, and charges into the bath tent - causing a screaming Margaret to rush out of the tent, wrapped in a towel.
- Hawkeye and B.J. have ordered a collapsible bathtub to beat the summer heat, initially planning to keep its existence a secret between themselves when it occurs to them that if word gets out, the entire camp will want a bath. Unfortunately, Charles returns to the Swamp just as they are trying to hide it and initially assumes it's a gift from his family. Hawkeye and B.J. rebuff his attempts to persuade them to let him use it - until he plays the ace up his sleeve:
- In "Out of Gas", Winchester insists on coming along with Mulcahy to engage in some horse trading with individuals from the black market. After being The Load for the whole episode, they return to camp.Mulcahy: Having the Major along was a real blessing. And God willing, I'll never be blessed with him again.
- In "Dear Comrade", Father Mulcahy is trying to feed a wounded North Korean prisoner, who is refusing to eat. Enter Kwang, a North Korean spy posing as Winchester's house boy, who informs Mulcahy that the POW thinks Mulcahy is trying to poison him because he's North Korean. Kwang suggests Mulcahy try the food himself to prove it's safe. Mulcahy ruefully says he was saving that option as a last resort, but samples the food anyway. When the POW and Kwang laugh at Mulcahy's facial reaction, the Good Father takes advantage of the POW's open mouth to force feed him a spoonful as well.
- The escalating prank war between Margaret and B.J. and Hawkeye in "An Eye for a Tooth", orchestrated behind the scenes by Charles who is playing both sides.note
- First, Margaret overloads Hawkeye's coffee with sugar while she is delirious with delight over the news that her divorce attorney has persuaded Donald Penobscot to release her half of their joint savings. A food fight ensues in which Hawkeye throws a glob of oatmeal into Margaret's face. Charles persuades Margaret to get revenge by sending Hawkeye and B.J. booby-trapped letters; Hawkeye's envelope contains an electrified "joy buzzer", while B.J. blows into the envelope containing his letter before removing it... and gets a faceful of powder.
- So the two captains declare war on Margaret, but Charles has already set their revenge prank in motion by getting Klinger to deliver a message that makes it appear visiting chopper pilot Captain Hill is asking Margaret out on a date. When she goes over to reply in person, he clearly has no idea what she is talking about, leaving her humiliated.
- At Charles' insistence, Margaret fires back by stealing Hawkeye and B.J.'s robes while they are in the shower and joining a waiting crowd of nurses with popcorn and magnifying glasses to ambush the two nudists as they return to the Swamp. Whereupon Charles persuades his bunkmates to set up a prank in which Margaret is "attacked" in her tent by "Little Mac", the counterweight dummy Captain Hill uses if he only has one patient in his chopper.note
- But this is a bridge too far for Charles; Margaret, Hawkeye, and B.J. compare notes and realise they have all been played, so Margaret pretends that she sent a letter to Peg about her year-long affair with B.J., which began when Hawkeye introduced them. A horrified Charles admits everything before the other three reveal that this time, he has become the victim of the prank.
- From "Inga", a Swedish doctor comes to the unit. Hawkeye tries to score with her, using some of Charles's music to set the mood.Hawkeye: All he's got is drums and cannons! I want her to melt, not keel over!
B.J.: Try the Ariosa, by Bach. Peg and I like to put it on at bedtime.
Hawkeye: Does that really work?
B.J.: Have you seen my baby pictures?
- "The Price":
- A young Korean was trying to hide in the showers to avoid being press-ganged into the military. He runs afoul of Margaret. Hawk and B.J. carry the young man off, and Margaret suggests that he may have had a camera and taken pictures of her.Hawkeye: Then we'll make sure everyone gets copies.
Mulcahy: None for me, thanks.
- Radar sees that Potter is wearing a pair of silky, hot magenta-colored boxer shorts, that he seems really proud of.Potter: Before you say anything, Mrs. Potter made these for me. Now what do you think of 'em?
Radar: Thanks for the warning, sir.
Potter: Would you like her to send you a pair?
Radar: Ugh... could she make the same thing in white?
Potter: It's a rare treat to share your underwear with a friend.
Radar: Sure, sir.
- A young Korean was trying to hide in the showers to avoid being press-ganged into the military. He runs afoul of Margaret. Hawk and B.J. carry the young man off, and Margaret suggests that he may have had a camera and taken pictures of her.
- "Rally Round the Flagg, Boys":
- As the episode opens, Col. Potter is regretting asking Hawkeye to be his partner in a game of bridge with two locals:Potter: [sorting the cards in his hand] I bid one club. Did you hear that, Pierce?
Hawkeye: One club, I know what means, you want to know what I got.
Hawkeye: All right, reading from left to right, I have-
Potter: Winchester, get a deck and start warming up.
Charles: I can play from here.
Potter: Your bid, Mr. Pak.
Hung Pak: One club to me... I bid one no trump. [points to Hawkeye; his partner, Doo Pak, says something in Korean and laughs gleefully]
Charles: You really got 'em on the run, now, Pierce.
Doo Pak: Your bid, swifty.
Hawkeye: I'm reminded of a story, you probably heard it. The, uh, King and Queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs... [Potter gets a This Is Gonna Suck look] Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. [Charles gives Potter a bemused look] And just then, his little sister Deucey and her dog Trey [Hung Pak and Doo Pak struggle to keep from laughing] started singing "Four diamonds are a girl's best friend..." whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. [to Potter] Did you get it?
Charles: [darkly] Everybody did.
Hawkeye: Well I didn't, what do I bid?
Potter, Hung Pak, Doo Pak, Charles: TWO CLUBS!
Hawkeye: [turning his cards back] No prompting, please! I bid two clubs.
- When Hawkeye operates on a severely wounded North Korean soldier ahead of an only slightly less severely wounded American soldier, it attracts unwelcome interest from the 4077th's favourite CIA goon:[Col. Potter and Fr. Mulcahy enter the former's office to find Col. Flagg sitting behind the desk, reading a file with his feet on the desk]
Potter: Aw, pony pucks.
Flagg: [setting the file down] Don't you knock when you enter a room?
Potter: Flagg, how did you get in here?
Flagg: That's classified.
Radar: [entering] Sir? [sees Flagg] Hey!... I was just sittin'- wh- how did you get in here!?
Mulcahy: [deadpan] Not from above.
Flagg: Let's talk about your camp, Potter. [stands up and slams the open file drawer shut, then points at the other three] Don't play dumb! You're not as good at it as I am!
Potter: What is it this time, Flagg, fluoride in the soup?
Mulcahy: I think I'd better leave.
Flagg: Freeze, Mr. Vatican, nobody goes 'til I do and I never do. [Radar stands rigidly to attention] Potter. You got a wounded North Korean officer here, and as usual, you failed to report it.
Radar: Oh, no, no, we did report it!
Flagg: You mean I worked over my informant just for the fun of it?
Mulcahy: [shocked] Oh my lord!...
Flagg: Good cover, but who are you?... Never mind, I'll get to you in a minute.
- Hawkeye is as uninterested in dealing with Flagg as ever:Flagg: [stepping out from behind a curtain] Pierce!
Hawkeye: [startled] Ahh!
Flagg: I'm gonna give you a chance. Why did you do it?
Hawkeye: Oh, I don't know, why does anybody do it?
Flagg: Now you've done it.
Hawkeye: Well, you'll have to clean it up, I'm in a hurry. [starts to leave, but Flagg plants his arm against the wall in front of him]
Flagg: I've got you dead to rights, Ivan. You saved that Commie crumb bum, why?
Hawkeye: Well, it was something to do. Besides, he was dying.
Flagg: I'm onto you, Pierce! Now you took a yellow Red before a white American, which is pretty pinko.
Hawkeye: You're even boring in Technicolor. [tries to leave again]
Flagg: You're a Communist dupe! I've waited a long time for this, you're mine! Your butt is in my sling!
Hawkeye: [flirtatiously] All right, take me, I'm yours.
Flagg: I knew it, you're one of those too. [Hawkeye rolls his eyes and hits his head against the wall behind him] Now when I dig up the proof, real or otherwise, that you're the traitor that I know you are, then I'll know it and you'll know it too!
Hawkeye: [with an insincere smirk] It was nice talking to you again. [holds up crossed fingers, then leaves]
- So Flagg tries to recruit Charles to assist him in digging up enough dirt on Hawkeye to arrest him as a Communist spy. Charles is sceptical:[Charles exits the mess tent and walks past the garbage cans]
Flagg: [off screen] Major! [Charles stops in his tracks for a second, then continues] Major...
Charles: [turns around and sees no-one there] Not funny, whoever you are.
Flagg: [coming out of hiding] Whoever I am is me. Colonel Flagg.
Charles: Hello. Goodbye. [turns to leave again]
Flagg: Hold it, Major! Don't make me make you listen to this!
Charles: [turning back again, stunned] Aren't you the tyrant!
Flagg: [beckoning] I've got a proposition. [Charles follows him back into his hiding place behind some crates] Pierce is hiding something. Find out what it is and name your price.
Charles: One, you cannot afford my price, and two, what are you talking about?
Flagg: Don't kid with me, I have no sense of humour!
Charles: You could've fooled me!
Flagg: Now, Pierce is the rottenest apple in this sleazy barrel. I've always thought he was a Communist sympathiser, and this business with the North Korean proves it, he's a CommSymp or worse!... Problem is, I... don't have the proof. You're his bunkie. Get it.
Charles: [smirking] For a man with no sense of humour, you are awfully funny!
Flagg: [holds up his finger; Charles' smirk vanishes] Do you believe that I can break your leg with this finger?
Charles: Strangely enough, [stammers] I do.
Flagg: Bright boy. [lowers his finger again]
Charles: Uh, Colonel, the very notion of Pierce being a spy, let alone a sympathiser, is absurd! Pierce has a big mouth, he's always butting into other people's business, but that makes him obnoxious, not a spy!
Flagg: Doesn't wash. I'm obnoxious, and I'm a spy.
Flagg: [tenses up as he hears two nurses laughing] Someone's coming. See who it is.
Charles: [walks around the crates and sees the nurses] Just a couple of nurses. They appear to be American, shall we... [leers suggestively] tail them?... [sees Flagg has disappeared] Colonel? [walks back behind the crates] Co... Colonel? [Flagg shushes him and appears from inside one of the garbage cans] Of course!... You are under cover.
- So Charles returns to the Swamp and starts searching Hawkeye's foot locker. He gets momentarily distracted by a racy magazine, which he turns sideways while muttering, "How do people...?"
- Hawkeye's stories of Flagg's ruthlessness lead Charles to try bailing out of their deal, but when Flagg threatens to make him "disappear", he plants a map of the camp with an arrow pointing to the Swamp and a drawing of a clock face showing 10:00 by the North Korean's pillow. He still has to explain every detail to Flagg when he "finds" it.
- And the equal parts hilarious and awesome payoff: 10:00 is the time of the next bridge game in the Swamp between Potter and Hawkeye on one side and Doo Pak and Hung Pak - respectively mayor and police chief of Ouijongbu - on the other, leading to Flagg making an even bigger fool of himself than ever.
- As the episode opens, Col. Potter is regretting asking Hawkeye to be his partner in a game of bridge with two locals:
- From "Preventative Medicine", Klinger's voodoo.Klinger: (jumps out from behind a corner, shaking what looks like flour at Col. Potter and Radar) Um-dallah! Moo-goo-gai-pan! Hear me, oh spirits of darkness! [Beat] [points at Col. Potter] That's the guy.
- "Are You Now, Margaret?":
- Klinger spends the episode doing a paparazzo act, leaping out at people unexpectedly with a camera and a headline ("Colonel Says Hello to Visiting Fellow!" "Head Nurse Stokes Up for Heavy Duty!"). He returns, magnificently, for the Honey Trap climax, as the Congressman's aide who suspects Margaret of being a Communist sympathizer is entangled in her arms:Klinger: [opens closet] "VIP Makes Major Mistake!" [slams closet]
- As Hawkeye, B.J. and Winchester enter the tent:Williamson: (startled) The-there's somebody in that locker!
Hawkeye: (mock surprise) Really?
Winchester: You're right, they're everywhere!
B.J. (approaches the locker and opens it) Klinger, is there anybody in here?
Klinger: No sir, I've been in here twenty minutes and no one's come in!
- Klinger spends the episode doing a paparazzo act, leaping out at people unexpectedly with a camera and a headline ("Colonel Says Hello to Visiting Fellow!" "Head Nurse Stokes Up for Heavy Duty!"). He returns, magnificently, for the Honey Trap climax, as the Congressman's aide who suspects Margaret of being a Communist sympathizer is entangled in her arms:
- A bit of Gallows Humor in "Period of Adjustment", with Margaret's reaction to the Dartboard of Hate of Radar: "Now that's sick!"
- Then there's the Mood Whiplash when B.J. howls with laughter seeing Hawkeye enter with a soldier's helmet, after the former and laid out the latter with a roundhouse punch earlier.
- Every other moment from "The Yalu Brick Road":
- B.J.'s terrible driving, Hawkeye screaming in terror at his terrible driving, the very unsuccessful righting of the jeep, Margaret tearing down the Swamp's mosquito net the better to threaten Charles (the door was right there), Father Mulcahy's unholy glee at the salmonella outbreak which finally lets him be useful, and enough one-liners to sink a battleship.B.J.: Pierce, this is your lucky day. You're looking at Spokes Hunnicutt, Mill Valley's finest surviving motorcycle rider. We got no problem. [Looks in fuel tank, and in exactly the same tone—] We got one problem.
- Another one-liner from when Hawkeye and B.J. return to camp with a North Korean soldier who surrenders to every person he comes across.B.J.: Don't you understand the international symbol for touchdown?!
- B.J.'s terrible driving, Hawkeye screaming in terror at his terrible driving, the very unsuccessful righting of the jeep, Margaret tearing down the Swamp's mosquito net the better to threaten Charles (the door was right there), Father Mulcahy's unholy glee at the salmonella outbreak which finally lets him be useful, and enough one-liners to sink a battleship.
- "Dear Uncle Abdul":
- After being told by Klinger for the umpteenth time that I-CORPS won't replace her broken footlocker because it wasn't damaged in combat, Margaret calmly borrows Winchester's hunting rifle, walks inside her tent and then shoots said footlocker.Margaret: There I was, alone in my tent! Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Bang! Bang! Without hesitation, my valiant foot locker threw itself into the direct line of fire, giving its life that I might live!
- Hawkeye and B.J. are arguing about who can tell jokes the best. Beleaguered Assistant Klinger snipes this winner at them:Klinger: I'm writing my Uncle Abdul about what it's like over here-doctors, nurses, saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties. And a snooty major who pays me twenty bucks to go out into the woods with him and watch him blow up a pigeon with a land mine. And if that doesn't beat all, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you guys do is tell jokes. What the hell's so funny about that?
- After being told by Klinger for the umpteenth time that I-CORPS won't replace her broken footlocker because it wasn't damaged in combat, Margaret calmly borrows Winchester's hunting rifle, walks inside her tent and then shoots said footlocker.
- "Bottle Fatigue". Hawkeye tries to quit drinking temporarily after seeing just how much alcohol he's been consuming. The first morning, he comes in singing loudly while B.J. and Charles are hung over and trying to sleep. Charles's reaction is priceless.Charles: Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had. He too was cheerful in the mornings, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese and they ate him.
- From the B plot, Charles is angry that his sister is engaged to marry an Italian. While speaking to Father Mulcahy about it in the mess tent he puts his foot in his mouth even further by stating an Italian is at least preferable to an Irishman. Mulcahy immediately drops his tray onto Charles's foot.Charles: Why is everyone so testy?
- From the B plot, Charles is angry that his sister is engaged to marry an Italian. While speaking to Father Mulcahy about it in the mess tent he puts his foot in his mouth even further by stating an Italian is at least preferable to an Irishman. Mulcahy immediately drops his tray onto Charles's foot.
- "Heal Thyself" has the exchanges between Col. Potter and Maj. Winchester when they are quarantined with each other after catching the mumps.
- Friction between the two patients sets in immediately, and gets worse when Potter refuses to let Charles listen to a record:[Charles and Potter are playing gin rummy on the top of Charles' record player; Charles is reading a thermometer]
Charles: 99.4. Up another tenth.
Potter: Then hurry up and discard before the grim reaper comes marching in.
Charles: Oh, very well. [puts a card face down in the discard pile and then sets down the cards in his hand] Gin.
Charles: Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus to master the numerical sequence of ace, deuce, trey. [mentally adding up the points from the "deadwood" cards left in Potter's hand] Fifty-four points... record. [updates the score pad]
Potter: Oh, shut up and deal. I can't remember the last hand I won.
Charles: Oh, really? [chuckles as he gathers up the cards] Having won so few I should think they'd stand out in your memory.
Potter: On second thought, I think I'll read a little, and then turn in. Some Zane Grey maybe.
Charles: Ah... Zane Grey. Tolstoy with spurs.
Potter: [testily] He happens to be a great writer!
Charles: Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill, Zane Grey is to literature. [opens the lid of his record player] Therefore, I shall counter with something civilised: Caruso.
Potter: [stiffens, and hurries on his elbows to the edge of his bed] En-ricko Caruso!? The singer?!
Charles: [deadpan] Why, yes, I do believe he sings.
Potter: Nix on that! I hate opera!
Charles: Colonel, a closed mind is an empty mind. All I ask is that you listen, and I assure you, you will be carried away on majestic clouds of musical rapture. [starts playing the record]
Potter: That guy sounds like a banshee in a bear trap! [pulls the needle off the record]
Charles: Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music! [tries to play the record again, but Potter removes the needle again]
Potter: If I want music... [slams the lid of the record player shut before Charles can get to the needle] I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s. If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!
Charles: Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal Enrico Caruso!
Potter: Oh, yeah!? If you wanna match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?
Charles: Not even at gunpoint!
- Relations between the two soon spiral toward rock bottom...[Potter has his easel set up on his bed and is painting while Charles lies on his cot and stares at the ceiling]
Potter: Another long session in O.R.
Charles: At least the other doctors have something to do. The only activity I am allowed is talking.
Potter: Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!
Charles: I do not understand why you are allowed your pleasures, and I am not allowed mine! [stands up and walks over to Potter's bed]
Potter: Because my pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!
Charles: [taking in the painting on Potter's easel] Ah! That is either a horse or the RCA Building.◊
Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end. Fortunately, I have a live-in model! [glares at Charles]
Charles: Ha, ha-ha, ha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
Potter: Winchester, go about your business!
Charles: I have no business!
Potter: Take a nap!
Charles: I'M NOT SLEEPY! [grimaces and holds his throat]
Potter: Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash!
Charles: [walks over to his record player] Even the most despicable convict is allowed the basic pleasures of life, but not I!
Potter: Don't rile me, Winchester. My face gets any redder, somebody's gonna get whupped.
Charles: [opens the lid of his record player, then takes a record out of its sleeve and puts it on the turntable] Threaten all you want, I can't take anymore! I demand my rights! I'm going to play my music!
Potter: Don't touch that dial!
Charles: I need this music to nourish my fading hope that truth and beauty still exist! Viva Caruso! [chokes]
Potter: I'm warning you! Eighty-six that Italian!
Charles: I have nothing left to lose! [starts playing the record] Ahh...
Potter: [slams down his palette] That tears it! [stands up and staggers toward Charles]
Charles: What are you gonna do?
Potter: I'll decide when I get there!
Charles: No, Colonel! [cut to outside Potter's tent; the record stops with a scratch] Oh, no!
Potter: Oh, yes! [hurls the record through the door like a frisbee, shattering it on the side of an ambulance]
- The two officers finally reach an understanding: Potter plugs his ears with cotton wool while Charles plays his records. Unfortunately, the peace doesn't last long...Charles: [as his Caruso record finishes] Bravo! Bravissimo! A virtuoso performance.
Potter: [reading a Zane Grey novel] There's a lesson. Never insult seven men... when all you're packin' is a six-gun.
Charles: [laughs] Colonel, what a delight. Since we worked out our differences, the remainder of our quarantine shall be passed in peace and harmony.
[the door opens and a mumps-ridden Klinger stumbles in, his belongings falling out of his arms. Charles Facepalms]
- Friction between the two patients sets in immediately, and gets worse when Potter refuses to let Charles listen to a record:
- "Morale Victory" has a quick bit at the beginning when Hawkeye and B.J. stand in front of the movie screen and parody the dialogue and actions from Tales of Manhattan (showing for at least the dozenth time).
- "Goodbye, Cruel World":
- As he settles into his role as company clerk, Klinger has his mother send over some personal effects from Toledo. However, his re-decoration includes everything from hanging rugs to beaded curtains over the doors to all manner of knick-knacks on every flat surface - which does not please Colonel Potter when he takes in the sight...Potter: [entering Klinger's office, where Klinger is hammering] Klinger, have you seen- [stops in his tracks] GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! [the camera pans across the new decorations as the oblivious Klinger stands on a ladder and continues hammering a bag attached to a string to a ceiling beam; a second bag is waiting to be put alongside the first] KLINGER!
Klinger: Thank goodness you're here! Could you give me a nail?
Potter: [acidly] You wouldn't like where I'd put it. Why does my company clerk's office look like Polly Adler's parlour!?note
Klinger: Sir, these are treasures of my civilian world! My mom sent me a few things from my room.
Potter: Made you sleep in the attic, did she? [walks toward the ladder, then recoils from the smell of the bag] What... pray tell, is this?
Klinger: Shanklish cheese, sir! Sort of a Lebanese Limburger. Aromatic, isn't it? [smiles and sniffs the bag]
Potter: Makes the whole office smell like feet!
Klinger: [descending the ladder] Am I to take it the colonel is displeased with the decor?
Potter: Bullseye, Corporal! Now, take these Arabian... nightmares and put 'em where they belong - in the minefield!
Klinger: Sir, you would destroy my family's precious heirlooms? [picking up a trophy from the top of the filing cabinet] My father's trophy - three times Bowler of the Year, at the height of the Depression! [hurrying over to a lamp over his desk] My Uncle Hakim was married under this lamp! Twice! [running over to a hanging rug at right angles to a set of beaded curtains] And look, with my Aunt Fatima's rug, I made a private room! [enters his "private room"]
Potter: If you don't take it down, this is going to be a private's room!
- However, Potter agrees to put the question of removing the decorations to a vote, and tells Klinger to get some of the medical staff for a second opinion. So Klinger brings Hawkeye and Margaret into the office where Potter is waiting with Charles and B.J., and the two react with Stunned Silence... until B.J., obviously trying to avoid laughing, lifts up a massive conch shell that he found in the room. Then the two majors and the two captains lose it.Hawkeye: [through laughter] You... you said this was a staff meeting, not a rummage sale!
Margaret: You've got everything here but a statue with a clock in its stomach! [Hawkeye laughs, Klinger looks sheepish and turns around a statue matching Margaret's description, which just makes her and Hawkeye laugh harder]note
Charles: Klinger... [clears throat] Looking at these... "treasures", I now understand why Toledo is kept in Ohio! [he, Hawkeye, B.J., and Margaret burst out laughing again]
Klinger: [offended] These are treasures! [hurrying over to a hanging rug] That's a genuine Persian rug! You rich people use 'em in your houses!
Charles: Not as walls! [he and B.J. laugh] Will you also be, uh, laying some paintings on the floor?
Margaret: [through more laughter] Klinger, you've outdone yourself. There's not one thing here that belongs on a military base.
Hawkeye: Well, unless you're with a unit of fighting grandmothers. [Margaret howls with laughter]
B.J.: Of course, the cheese does have killing capabilities! [more laughter]
- As he settles into his role as company clerk, Klinger has his mother send over some personal effects from Toledo. However, his re-decoration includes everything from hanging rugs to beaded curtains over the doors to all manner of knick-knacks on every flat surface - which does not please Colonel Potter when he takes in the sight...
- In "April Fools", pranks abound.
- To offset the disgust the surgeons express at the meal awaiting them in the mess tent after a long OR session, B.J. distributes goodies sent by Peg from home, but mostly as a vehicle to prank Charles with a spring-loaded boa. Potter is angry at the two captains for pulling such an immature stunt, but Charles takes it in stride:B.J.: [opening a box] Take heart, famished friends, I brought some after-surgery snacks. Actual edibles from Peg. [pulls out a round tin and opens the lid to reveal...]
Hawkeye: AHH, BROWNIES, DIBS! DIBS! [grabs the tin, removes the cellophane from the top, and starts wolfing down one of the brownies]
B.J: [pulling out a jar] And... homemade fruit cocktail for our peach of a colonel. [hands the jar to Potter]
Potter: Ah, sweet cubes of delight!
Hawkeye: [singing] "At last I've found you..."
B.J.: [removing a can] What else... pralines!
Charles: [jumping up and grabbing the can from B.J.'s hands] Ah, pralines! The South's only contribution to civilisation! [chuckles and sits back on the bench]
B.J.: Don't be shy, Charles.
Charles: [opens the can... only for a spring-loaded boa to leap out, startling both Charles and Potter] DAIEE! [Hawkeye and B.J. laugh themselves silly as Charles thumps his chest as though suffering a cardiac event]
B.J.: Hey, Charles, beware the perils of praline!
Hawkeye: [continuing to laugh] Brilliant, doctor! [shakes B.J.'s hand]
Potter: [with a Disapproving Look] Dagnabbit, you two should be ashamed of yourselves. What's next, whoopee cushions on the wheelchairs?
Charles: The true cruelty of this lame jest is that there are no pralines... [looks glumly inside the can]
- Margaret squawks offscreen, and Hawkeye and B.J. look at each other questioningly, until Margaret barges into their section of the scrub room.Margaret: Alright, who left the dead minnows in my pocket?
Charles: [indignantly] They were alive when I put them there, you've killed them!
- At the end of the scene, Potter walks out of the scrub room, claiming he's above the jokes and he's Seen It All. He turns to leave... revealing someone has attached a tail to the hem of his shirt with a surgical clamp.
- It's not just the surgeons who are targeted by pranks. Father Mulcahy, blood boiling, storms into Klinger's office wearing the sort of dress the company clerk wore in the early seasons:Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: [smirking] Good morning, Padre. Or should I say "Padress"?
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this! While I was showering, somebody stole my robe and left me this, this house frock!
Klinger: Better not take it off, Father, you'll be a defrocked priest!
Mulcahy: [Death Glare] Klinger, how would you like to get the last rites and a few lefts? [holds up his fist]
Potter: [pushing Mulcahy's fist down again] Uh, holster thy knuckles, Padre. This, too, shall pass.
Mulcahy: It better. [he exits the office to a chorus of wolf-whistles] OH, SHUT UP!
- The prank wars escalate over the first act of the episode: Margaret gets all three Swampmen, putting oatmeal in Hawkeye's boot, spiking B.J.'s mouthwash with Tabasco, and writing "KILROY" on Charles' bald head as he sleeps (though only the first is shown on screen). They decide to get revenge by stealing the canvas of her tent, leaving only the frame, and hiding a skeleton in Hawkeye's bed when she storms over to the Swamp to confront them. They continue to stoke her anger with a Hurricane of Puns:Margaret: [holding a pillow and giving Hawkeye a Death Glare as he, B.J., and Charles roar with laughter] Where - is - my - tent!?
Hawkeye: We pitched it somewhere!
Margaret: [attacks Hawkeye with the pillow, feathers flying everywhere] You crumb! You crumb! [advances on a backpedalling B.J.] Where is my tent?!
B.J.: We gave it to a dog, now it's a pup tent!
Margaret: [starts hitting B.J. with the pillow] You IDIOT! [turns her attention to Charles and begins attacking him with the pillow] You schmo!
Charles: AHH! Don't hit a pillow when it's down!
- The stiff-backed Colonel Tucker arrives in the middle of the pillow fight; Margaret and the three Swampmen try to look as dignified as they can while covered in feathers. When the colonel demands an explanation, Margaret says the "crumbs" have hidden her tent; Hawkeye corrects her, as according to her, only Hawkeye is a crumb, while B.J. is a schmo and Charles is an idiot (B.J. and Charles promptly remind Hawkeye that it's the other way round).
- To offset the disgust the surgeons express at the meal awaiting them in the mess tent after a long OR session, B.J. distributes goodies sent by Peg from home, but mostly as a vehicle to prank Charles with a spring-loaded boa. Potter is angry at the two captains for pulling such an immature stunt, but Charles takes it in stride:
- The staff meeting in "Your Retention Please", Potter is required to give his officers a speech convincing them to voluntarily extend their tours. He prefaces it by saying he doesn't want any laughter or snark. When he finally gets to the part about them making the Army their career, there is a beat before Charles makes a squeaking noise and Hawkeye and B.J. bust out laughing.Hawkeye: Sorry, Colonel, if I'd held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
- In "A War For All Seasons", Father Mulcahy spent a summer growing corn for the camp, and looked forward to eating it off the cob as part of their 4th of July celebration. When he sees the way camp cook Igor has prepared it, it's obvious he's trying not to explode with anger: "You... you CREAMED it! You—you— NINNY!!"
- "No Sweat" finds the 4077th in the grip of another blistering heat wave - literally so in Margaret's case, as her entire backside is covered with a giant prickly heat rash and the camp has run out of camphor menthol lotion. The other main cast members deal with the heat in different ways...
- Col. Potter, after several consecutive sleepless nights, decides to take a sleeping pill, which requires going to his office (keeping them by his bedside would be too tempting). As he enters the clerk's room, he gets a shock:Klinger: Look out!
Potter: [stops in his tracks and takes in the sight of Klinger lying on his stomach on the floor, surrounded by electrical components and an open manual] Great Caesar's salad, Klinger, what are you doing up at 3 in the AM!?
Klinger: Couldn't sleep, sir - the heat, sir.
Potter: [points at Klinger] That's one I can buy. Must be extra tropical for you totin' around that permanent vicuna coat. [walks around the array of electronics] Perhaps you'd care to explain the fallout from the Motorola plant. [gestures to said "fallout"]
Klinger: [scrambles to his feet, stands to attention, and salutes] I took the PA system apart, sir.
Potter: [gestures to Klinger to stop saluting] What in blazes for?! We need that contraption!
Klinger: I know that full well, my bleary-eyed boss! I figured the middle of the night would be the perfect time to get some off the job training for my new mail order course!
Potter: In what? Office demolition?
Klinger: No, sir, electronics! [holds up a piece of the PA system] Some day this little shootout's going to end, and when this Johnny comes marching home, it'll be with a screwdriver in his hand! [holds said tool up proudly]
Potter: You gonna fix radios?
Klinger: No, sir, television! The wave of the future! Which, thanks to good old Yankee know-how, will mean busted sets by the millions! And Max Klinger will be there to reap the whirlwind of outrageous repair prices.
Potter: [pointing his finger right in Klinger's face] Mark this, Marconi. When Reveille blows, this system better be workin', or you'll be spending the rest of this war on the roof, screaming messages at the top of your furry lungs!
- Meanwhile, B.J. is obsessing over a letter from Peg, which is preventing Hawkeye from getting any sleep as he repeatedly turns on the light. B.J. finally reveals that Peg says the gutters need clearing, and Hawkeye doesn't see why that should be such cause for concern. However, when a wounded soldier arrives and the two bunkmates head into the OR, assisted by Margaret and Nurse Jo Ann, we see that the heat has made B.J. paranoid about what might happen on the home front in his absence...
- The ladder Peg would need to use to climb up to the gutters has a broken rung, which B.J. didn't tell Peg before he left for Korea. Big deal, says Hawkeye; she'll see the broken rung before she tries to climb the ladder and get a neighbour to do it. Not as simple as that, says B.J.:B.J.: Oh, that'd be just great. You wanna know about our neighbours?!
B.J.: On the one side, there's Eddie Hoffman, who's bagged most of the time. If he got on a ladder, he'd fall right off on his face and get up and slap a million dollar lawsuit on me.
Hawkeye: [to Jo Ann] Clamp.
B.J.: Or Peg could ask our other neighbour, Old Man Wallerstein, he's maybe 83...
Hawkeye: [to Jo Ann] Clamp.
B.J.: He'd be only too happy to go up and have a heart attack.
Hawkeye: [to Jo Ann] Butterfly net.
- So perhaps Peg can put off cleaning the gutters? No way, says B.J.; one good rain and they'll overflow into the basement window well, flood the cellar, and extinguish the pilot light in the furnace. Perhaps they have a handyman, then? Yes, but...B.J.: Oho, no you don't! Not Carl!
Hawkeye: Oh, well, not Carl, of course not, [scoffs] Carl, how stupid of me!... What's wrong with Carl?
B.J.: He's maybe 6 foot 4,note and works out with weights! He's got these huge arms...
Hawkeye: Well, that certainly is a strike against a handyman: strength. How's this guy's pressure?
[during the following, Margaret heads over to the supply shelves and discreetly rubs her backside against the counter so as to avoid giving away her case of prickly heat]
B.J.: Fine. Wears skin tight T-shirts with the- with the sleeves cut off... he's better looking than Errol Flynn... she's only human, y'know! First, it's the gutters! Then he says, uh, "Anything else I can do, Mrs. Hunnicutt?" "Well, for starters, you can call me Peg."
Hawkeye: [looks between B.J. and Margaret, then at Jo Ann] Some fun, huh, Jo Ann? Over here we've got a guy who's losing his marbles, and over there, a woman who's slipping on them. [a startled Margaret drops the pads in her hands]
- With their patient in stable condition, Hawkeye and B.J. hit the showers, and Hawkeye tries to assure B.J. that Peg will get along all right without him - which just sets B.J. off in yet another direction:Hawkeye: There's really nothing to worry about. Peg's a big girl! One way or another, your gutters'll get cleaned out and everything will be just fine!
B.J.: Yeah, she'll take care of it.
B.J.: Probably better than if I were there to help. [chuckles] I'm sure she's becoming more self-sufficient all the time.
B.J.: Matter of fact, by now, she probably gets along just fine without me. [Hawkeye gives B.J. a look of utter disbelief] I might as well just stay away altogether, what the hell's she need me for anyway!?
Hawkeye: You are a complete and total jerk! No wonder Peg is leaving you! [B.J. whirls round and gives Hawkeye a Death Glare]
- The ladder Peg would need to use to climb up to the gutters has a broken rung, which B.J. didn't tell Peg before he left for Korea. Big deal, says Hawkeye; she'll see the broken rung before she tries to climb the ladder and get a neighbour to do it. Not as simple as that, says B.J.:
- As for the third Swampman, Charles is using the long tables in the empty mess tent to sort through three years of Winchester family financial paperwork which Charles Winchester II has rushed to him; Father Mulcahy arrives mid-self-audit and innocently asks if this is what wealthy people do instead of counting sheep. Charles explains that the family accountant has just been incarcerated for financial crimes, and the IRS are now very interested in whether or not they've received their fair share of the Winchester coffers. He implies, without actually saying, that a certain amount of book-cooking goes on to ensure that while every penny is declared, it is done so as to minimise the amount of tax they need to pay, and he needs to ensure the columns all add up properly to avoid being slapped with a lawsuit; Mulcahy summarises this by saying "The family that pays together, stays together." Finally, when Charles sends Mulcahy away for yet another pitcher of lemonade when the priest's number-saturated anecdote keeps throwing off his calculations, Igor arrives to set up the mess tent for breakfast and tries to help Charles cool off by switching on a giant electric fan... creating a snowstorm of tax papers.
- Col. Potter's sleeping pill kicks in after mere seconds... which is unfortunate, as various camp personnel keep having to wake him up:
- First, Klinger has to get him to order a chopper to evacuate Hawkeye and B.J.'s patient first thing in the morning:Klinger: [handing Potter, who is asleep on his feet, the camp phone] Order for the morning.
Potter: Hello, room service? Send up a couple of poached eggs, a bowl of prunes...
Klinger: [covers the mouthpiece] A helicopter. Order a helicopter.
Potter: No thanks... I'm not that hungry.
- Next, Winchester needs to get five pieces of carbon paper out of the camp safe (in which Klinger has locked them), and only Potter knows the combination.Charles: [leaning over the sleeping Potter, sounding extremely sheepish] Yoohoo... noble warrior... [Potter half wakes up at best, and we cut to Charles leading him out of his tent] Here we go... I know the hour is late but I am in the direst of straits.
Potter: [still asleep on his feet] A straight, my full house beats that...
- Finally, when Margaret hears that a chopper will be on its way first thing in the morning, she decides to add an order for camphor menthol lotion for her prickly heat-afflicted backside.Potter: [as Margaret is leading him to the office] You're very kind, Major Winchester.
Margaret: Oh, wonderful. Sir, I need medicine. For my... Where I sit, I have an inflammation.
Potter: I hope you got the chopper so you could make copies of it with the carbon paper.
- Which is nothing compared to the conversation that ensues when they get to the office. Unfortunately for her, said conversation takes place just as Klinger finally gets the PA system working again, but inadvertently leaves the microphone in the "On" position:Margaret: [to Potter, who looks more out of it than ever] Sir, please try to understand. All you have to do is tell I-CORPS to put some camphor menthol shake lotion on the helicopter.
Klinger: [flips a switch, and the PA system lights up; triumphantly] Ha ha!
Potter: Medicine? Who's sick?
[an external shot of the PA speakers reveals that the rest of the conversation is being broadcast to the entire camp]
Margaret: Nobody's sick, sir, I have a little rash.
Potter: Well, I have two grandchildren myself.
Margaret: Sir, please try to understand! This is Margaret! [glares at Klinger, who keeps reaching between her and Potter to grab his tools off the desk and put them away] I have a bad case of prickly heat. A severe irritation on my gluteus maximus!
Potter: Oh, I get it. A bad case of keister itch.
Margaret: Well, you could call it that, sir.
Potter: I sure gotta sympathise with you on that one. [external shot of the camp] Ain't nothin' more bothersome than a case of the ol' fanny fungus. [shot of Charles, Mulcahy, and Igor picking up Charles' tax paperwork, listening in confusion; over the PA, we hear Margaret groan] With all this heat, that cute little caboose of yours must be red as a beet!
Margaret: [shot of Jo Ann in the supply room, also listening in confusion] Oh, really, sir, I'd rather not talk about it.
Potter: [shot of Hawkeye and B.J. in the showers, also listening in confusion; Hawkeye switches off the water, and B.J. follows suit] I dunno how bad off your wazoo is, but I bet it don't come close to the rump rots I had back in the Big War.
Margaret: [shot of Charles, Mulcahy, and Igor breaking down laughing] Sir! Sir, the chopper?...
Potter: We were pinned down near Chantilly, and I was stuck for a whole damn night [shot of Jo Ann laughing] in a wet foxhole. I'll never forget it. [shot of Hawkeye and B.J. laughing themselves silly] No matter how many times you change your skivvies, the fire on the ol' back porch just keeps burnin'.
Margaret: [over an external shot of the camp as gales of laughter come from every tent] Sir, please, could you just call?
Potter: Must be hell for you tryin' to sit or sleep. You sure got-
Margaret: [finally hearing the laughter] Wait a minute, is this stupid PA on!? Klinger, you idiot!!
Klinger: Major, wait! Oh, no! Please don't! It took me three hours to fix that- [SMASH] [static] [laughter continues]
- With the ultimate follow-up: the next morning, Potter - who has no idea that he did anything last night but take a sleeping pill and go to sleep - walks into the mess tent where Margaret, who is still unable to sit down, is waiting.Potter: At ease, Margaret!
Houlihan: [Death Glare]
- First, Klinger has to get him to order a chopper to evacuate Hawkeye and B.J.'s patient first thing in the morning:
- Col. Potter, after several consecutive sleepless nights, decides to take a sleeping pill, which requires going to his office (keeping them by his bedside would be too tempting). As he enters the clerk's room, he gets a shock:
- "No Laughing Matter" involves a frustrated Hawkeye being told by B.J. that he's insecure about life and needs to constantly make jokes. Stewing over it for a night, Hawkeye makes a bet that he can go one full day without riffing. Though we don't get to see the majority of Hawkeye's day during the bet, the finale where a visiting VIP is accused of trying to make advances of Maj. Houlihan has Hawkeye trying desperately to hold every joke he's wanted to make all day in.
- "Oh, How We Danced":
- Hawkeye blackmails an infantry commander who assaulted Winchester with an over-the-top impersonation on the phone, complete with an outrageous imitation of Winchester's accent and Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness. ("I think I hurt my tongue.") Among other things, he uses the word "sidacious", then heads off B.J. and Klinger's questioning looks by covering the receiver with his hand and admitting that he just made it up. To cap it all off, he demands "AN harmonica", leading B.J. and Klinger to look at each other and silently mouth those words. After he hangs up, he leaves with a spot-on imitation of Charles's "Gentlemen..."
- From that same episode, a Korean offers to teach Karate to Charles in case the same infantry commander thinks of attacking him again. Charles goes full Large Ham on the motions and shouting when he does indeed encounter the commander again and ends up scaring him off after breaking a chair with his foot, then cries out and holds his foot in pain after the commander's gone.
- In "Bottoms Up", B.J. pulls a prank on Hawkeye and Charles that involves Charles frequently getting pantsed and Hawkeye getting the blame and almost turned into a camp pariah.
- Initially, Hawkeye assumes the prank is a two-man operation; a fake patient is brought into the O.R. and is commandeered by Charles, only for Hawkeye to pull the strings on Charles' trousers so that they fall to his ankles. However, not only is Hawkeye the only person who laughs, but everyone else gives him Death Glares (Potter says he has "pole-vaulted" over the "fine line between fun and imbecility",note while Margaret says, "Trust Pierce to do something so tasteless!") - leading his partner in pranking, B.J., to pretend he isn't involved. Later in the mess tent, Hawkeye finds himself an outcast, while Charles milks the camp's sympathy for him for every drop:[as Hawkeye enters the mess tent, everyone present begins booing and jeering]
Hawkeye: [smiles and waves sarcastically] Please, please, you're too kind. [walks over to Father Mulcahy, who is standing by the coffee urn] Father, what would you think about giving these people a refresher course in "Thou shalt not kill"? [Mulcahy pointedly avoids eye contact with Hawkeye] Father? [Mulcahy finally turns to Hawkeye with an "I'm not speaking to you" expression] Oh, no, not you too!
Mulcahy: Captain Pierce... having heard about the callous prank you played on poor Major Winchester I choose not to speak to you. For if I did, I would tell you you are a goon and a blockheaded bozo! But as a man of God, I'm above name-calling...
Hawkeye: [exasperated] Oh. Yes.
Mulcahy: Good day. [sweeps off]
[Charles enters the mess tent to cheers and applause]
Charles: [smiles and waves as he walks over to the food trays] Thank you, everybody. Thank you. That's very kind.
Hawkeye: Okay, Charles. Let's get this settled.
Charles: [taking a tray] Settled?
Hawkeye: Settled. Let's get it settled. Get even with me. [Igor serves Charles some peas and a slice of bread] Right here, in front of everybody. Here. [spoons some stew onto Charles' tray] Come on. Dump a tray of food all over me. Or - worse, make me eat it.
Charles: Pierce, I could never do anything so insensitive.
Hawkeye: Sure you can, it's easy. Come on. Get your revenge. Tit for tat and all that.
Charles: [as Igor continues to spoon food onto his tray] I bear you no malice, old fella.
Hawkeye: What a rotten thing to say.
Charles: Oh, Pierce, I understand you. I studied a bit of child psychology, you know. [over the following, Hawkeye looks at Igor, who nods in agreement with Charles] And I have nothing but- we must all have compassion for- ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse! I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown, but rather... pity him. [everyone applauds as Charles heads to a table]
Hawkeye: [as Igor continues applauding] Will you stop!? [swats Igor on the arm]
- So Hawkeye comes up with a fake revenge prank: he and B.J. invite Charles for a drink in the Officers' Club, and Hawkeye plans to ensure that his own chair is covered with glue. The camp will decide Charles is now even with Hawkeye and forget the prank war. But things don't go as planned...Klinger: [as the Swampmen enter the Officers' Club] Hi, guys.
Klinger: Your table's right over there.
B.J.: Thank you, Max. Oh, don't forget. This is on Mr. Pierce's tab. He's the lanky fellow with the egg on his face.
Hawkeye: [to Margaret as he passes her table] Would you like to join us?
Margaret: Oh, no, thanks. I caught your matinee performance in O.R. I'll be in my tent. [picks up the change on her table and leaves]
Hawkeye: [as the Swampmen reach their table] Okay. Good. [to B.J.] You sit there. [to Charles, who is about to sit in the chair meant for Hawkeye] Uh - no! No! Uh, no. Why don't you sit over here, Charles?
Charles: [immediately suspicious] Why?
Charles: What possible difference could it make where I sit?
Hawkeye: Because... you know, well, you saw that ugly mob before. I gotta keep my back to the wall.
Charles: Oh, yeah, well, that's quite understandable. The survival instinct is strong in the lower species. [sits down]
Hawkeye: [sits down and feigns surprise] Oh... my... what has happened? I'm... [stands up... and his fake surprise turns to confusion] not stuck to my chair.
Charles: Oh. [looks down at his chair] Uh... I suddenly feel as though there is something... very wrong... down there.
Hawkeye: No... no!...
Charles: [icily] Oh, my scheming friend... now I understand why you so carefully ushered me to this chair.
B.J.: Hawkeye, I don't believe you! Enough is enough!
Hawkeye: Charles, I swear! There's been a mistake!
Charles: Oh, oh, indeed, there has - but it was mine. Oh, h-h-honestly... in believing for the briefest moment that you were actually a civilised human being! [he stands up, his chair stuck to his backside, prompting loud groans from the patrons of the Officers' Club, and walks over to the bar] Max! Give me a knife!
Klinger: Major, don't! It's not worth it!
Charles: [glares at Klinger] For my pants.
Charles: [groans and sits down as Klinger gets a knife and begins cutting the seams on his trousers] Attention! Attention, all personnel! [chuckles] It would appear that old Doc Funnypants is at it again, and once again, I am the butt of his joke. [boos from the other patrons] Please, please, please. We must all remember that the poor man is demented. He's obviously suffering from a fanny fetish! [smirks as the other patrons laugh and applaud] Thank you all very much. You are indeed a source of inspiration during these di- [gasps as Klinger's knife gets dangerously close to his crotch] di-i-ifficult... times. I assure you: I shall endure. [rips away what remains of his trousers and stands up as the Officers' Club patrons cheer and applaud] Thank you, Max. Thank you. [heads to the door] Klinger, I will need another pair of trousers. [laughs] Perhaps, uh, several. [laughter from the other patrons] No telling how often I'll be torpedoed by Rear Admiral Pierce! [gives Hawkeye a mock salute] Thank you. [exits to more applause]
Hawkeye: It was supposed to be this chair!
B.J.: This is getting pretty embarrassing, you know. If you plan any more stupidity, just plan it alone. [he storms off as the other patrons begin jeering and pelting Hawkeye with pretzels]
- With B.J. out as his co-conspirator, Hawkeye tries to recruit Klinger's help in staging a prank with himself as the victim, but Klinger is confused when Hawkeye says the glue-covered chair was meant for him and not Charles... as B.J. told him to switch the chairs. Hawkeye then tells an initially dubious Charles that B.J. is the true mastermind behind the pantsings, and they fire back in grand style: they strip B.J. while he's asleep, stick him and his cot in the nurses' tent and nail his blanket to the cot so that he can't use it to cover up. Then they fake an announcement of incoming wounded to ensure that B.J. comes outside, where Hawkeye and Charles are lying in wait with an audience of nurses and enlisted, and a camera to capture it all for posterity.
- Initially, Hawkeye assumes the prank is a two-man operation; a fake patient is brought into the O.R. and is commandeered by Charles, only for Hawkeye to pull the strings on Charles' trousers so that they fall to his ankles. However, not only is Hawkeye the only person who laughs, but everyone else gives him Death Glares (Potter says he has "pole-vaulted" over the "fine line between fun and imbecility",note while Margaret says, "Trust Pierce to do something so tasteless!") - leading his partner in pranking, B.J., to pretend he isn't involved. Later in the mess tent, Hawkeye finds himself an outcast, while Charles milks the camp's sympathy for him for every drop:
- Rumour has it, in "Rumor at the Top", that the 4077th is to be broken up and the best officers are being scouted, so the staff try to convince the visiting Major that they're all too incompetent to be useful, from Klinger going full religious fanatic to Margaret's increasingly unsubtle hints about Colonel Potter:"And if you hear rumors of senility, don't pay any attention to them."
"No, we haven't heard anything about that down in Seoul."
"Of course you haven't, because they're 90% not true."
"...and if you have any further questions, I'm sure Colonel Potter will be happy to answer them. He's very alert after his afternoon nap."
"How often does he nap?"
"Oh, whenever he remembers."
"[You haven't seen the Colonel?] Oh, then he must be eating on Sophie. [...T]hat's his horse. He loves to spend as many hours in the saddle as he can. It's a habit from his old cavalry days. He's been doing it since, oh, 1918. I'd better go check. He loves an afterdinner nap, and sometimes he falls off."
- From "Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye", Hawkeye breaks up an argument between a Turkish patient and his commanding officer, who is convinced the man shot himself in the foot in order to get taken off the front lines (surprisingly, the soldier didn't shoot himself, which is a switch from when it normally comes up). When the argument escalates, the officer pulls out his pistol and is preparing to shoot the patient then and there for cowardice. Hawkeye and Winchester hustle the officer out of the tent, we hear a struggle and a shot. After a tense pause, Hawkeye and Winchester carry the limping officer back into the tent, saying, "Now, see, that's what a self-inflicted gunshot wound looks like..."
- Near the end of "Wheelers and Dealers", Charles, Margaret, Father Mulcahy and Hawkeye find Klinger - who has just gone through a several-day marathon session of filling out laundry inventory forms and helping Potter cram for a driving test (the CO having been caught speeding and sent to Sgt. Rizzo's remedial driving school) - asleep in the mess tent, face-first in his breakfast.Hawkeye: Waiter, there's a clerk in these eggs!
Charles: I knew one day this food would claim a life!
- "Communication Breakdown": Charles offends the rest of the camp over an allegedly stolen newspaper. An anonymous prankster or pranksters then proceeds to steal first Charles' bathrobe while he's in the shower then later all of his clothes and belongings. Charles ties the main support pole of the Mess Tent to a Jeep with the intent of bringing it down on top of everyone inside but he's stopped at the last minute by Potter, who sets Charles straight about what really happened to his missing paper. Potter then proceeds to grab Charles by the ear like a naughty child and drag him to the office and forces him to get on the P.A. system to make a public apology.
- In a particularly well-directed shot, Winchester (in a too-short kabuki robe replacing his stolen bathrobe) jumps in the jeep and looks up to see Potter standing directly in front of the jeep giving a withering Death Glare that stops him in his tracks. Potter climbs directly over the hood of the jeep and literally shoves the evidence of Winchester's mistake in his face.Potter: Before you take that tent for a spin, Major, read this!
- And the payoff - at no point did the jeep get untied. So when Klinger exits the tent - leaving only Winchester inside - he sees the jeep, makes a comment about people parking anywhere they please, and drives off in it - collapsing the tent on Winchester.
- In a particularly well-directed shot, Winchester (in a too-short kabuki robe replacing his stolen bathrobe) jumps in the jeep and looks up to see Potter standing directly in front of the jeep giving a withering Death Glare that stops him in his tracks. Potter climbs directly over the hood of the jeep and literally shoves the evidence of Winchester's mistake in his face.
- "Snappier Judgment" as Winchester prepares a legal defense for Klinger who is being court-martialed for theft. They speak to Father Mulcahy who praises Klinger for getting a supply of Bibles seemingly out of nowhere. It turns out the Bibles in question are from the Gideons, which are typically placed in hotels, which means Klinger likely stole the Bibles from several hotels. At this, Mulcahy can only roar in indignation:Mulcahy: Klinger, hot Bibles?!
- From "Pressure Points", after Charles has enough of cleaning up after Hawkeye and B.J., he goes full slob. Eventually, they get sick of the mess and start cleaning. Hawkeye is holding a magazine/dustpan while B.J. sweeps dirt onto it when Charles comes in and throws a piece of trash on the floor. Hawkeye then deposits the contents in Charles' bunk. This begins a long sequence of each side destroying or dirtying the other's stuff. They do this so calmly, not saying a word or trying to stop each other, or even reacting much at all other than to take turns performing more and more outlandish acts of destruction as an audience gathers to watch. The best moment is when Charles takes Hawkeye's mattress and launches it through the wall of the tent. When Klinger goes to get Potter, the old man's only reaction?Potter: I think that bunk would look better on top of Winchester's desk.
Klinger: ...Is that all, sir?
Potter: No, one more thing. [eyes the feathers lying around the room from when Hawkeye and B.J. ripped open Charles' pillow] Order a new pillow.
- "Sons and Bowlers" has this exchange toward the beginning about a softball game the 4077th just lost to a team of Marines:Margaret: Colonel, nobody wants to win more than I do, but don't get yourself upset, it's only a game.
Potter: You cost us the game! [Margaret gasps in outrage] It's that skylark attitude of yours that got you thrown out at home plate!
Hawkeye: [tiredly] Colonel, we lost 24 to 4.
Potter: She killed a rally!
B.J.: [half-heartedly] Murderer.
- "Picture This":
- The opening, where a barefoot Hawkeye comes to the breakfast table, and immediately crawls underneath checking everyone's socks to find out who stole his (obviously B.J.). The next five minutes are him acting like a feral brat and his very tired friends trying to calm him down.[a barefoot Hawkeye, seen only from the waist down, gets what passes for dinner from the mess tent]
Igor: Peas or carrots, sir?
Hawkeye: Oh, a little of each'll be fine.
Igor: Good, 'cause I don't know which is which.
Hawkeye: Mm. And some mashed potatoes.
Igor: Those aren't mashed potatoes, sir. It's congealed grease.
Hawkeye: Perhaps some other war. [he looks around the tent, then carries his tray over to the table where B.J., Margaret, Charles, and Father Mulcahy are eating]
Charles: Ah! Back from the old swimmin' hole, eh Hawk?
B.J.: I see you're a foot soldier now!
Hawkeye: [deadpan] Hello.
B.J., Margaret, Charles, Mulcahy: Hello.
Hawkeye: [sets down his tray] Excuse me one minute. [gets down on his hands and knees and starts crawling under the table, grabbing his fellow officers' trouser legs and looking at their socks]
Margaret: AHHH! What are you doing!?
Charles: [overlapping with Margaret] What in the hell are you doing?!
Mulcahy: My goodness, Hawkeye!...
Hawkeye: [seeing the socks B.J. is wearing] AH-HA! Just as I thought!
B.J.: [as Hawkeye grabs his foot and drags it to the tabletop] Hey! What is this!?...
Hawkeye: Gotcha! Though you were a smart guy, huh?!
Margaret: [as Hawkeye slams B.J.'s foot onto the table] Pierce, are you out of your mind!?
Mulcahy: Really, Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: [grabbing the top of one of the socks] These are my socks! Look at this, look at this! [turns the top of the sock down] "B.F.P." That's me!
Charles: What a touching reunion, "B". Is it too much to ask that we postpone it until [through clenched teeth] after I have finished my dinner?!
Hawkeye: [glaring at B.J.] Well, what have you got to say for yourself!?
B.J.: [smiling sheepishly] "Can I borrow your socks?"
Margaret: Pierce, I really don't see the big catastrophe here, you know?
Mulcahy: I'm sure he didn't realise they were yours.
Hawkeye: [finally pulling B.J.'s foot off the table; B.J. puts his foot back on the ground] Oh, of course not, no, they were just lying around, in my foot locker!
B.J.: [exasperated] I'm SORRY! I'll wash them out and give them back.
Hawkeye: After they've been on those big feet?! Last socks you borrowed, I'm now using as a winter coat!
Mulcahy: Honestly, Hawkeye, don't you think you're overreacting a little?
Hawkeye: [lifts his own foot to the tabletop] Have you ever rubbed the tops of your toes with sandpaper? It's only a little less painful than wearing combat boots without socks!
B.J.: BIG DEAL! I'll buy you another pair!
Hawkeye: [glaring at B.J. again] SOCKS is not the issue! PRIVACY is the issue!
Margaret: Your foot is invading our privacy! [Charles mutters and gestures to Hawkeye's foot in irritation; Hawkeye puts it back on the floor and turns back to B.J.]
Hawkeye: You went into my foot locker without even asking me and took my last pair of socks, [Charles continues to make hand gestures of disbelief until Hawkeye bolts to his feet in rage] and it wasn't the first time, either!
Charles: [putting his hand on Hawkeye's shoulder] Pierce! [Hawkeye sits down again] Pierce, I will buy you a dozen pairs of argyles if you'll kindly SHUT UP and let me eat my dinner in PEACE! [slams his hand on the table]
Hawkeye: [calming down] All right! I've made my point. I won't say another word.
[later, after Col. Potter has joined them and said he is starved for ideas for Mildred's next birthday present after the previous year's fleece-lined mukluks]
Hawkeye: Boy, I wish I were in her shoes.
Hawkeye: [innocently] Oh, nothing, nothing. No.
B.J.: [elbowing Hawkeye] I thought you weren't going to say another word.
- Things continue to deteriorate between Hawkeye and his bunkmates that night when he insists on keeping the light on to read while B.J. and Charles are trying to sleep. Eventually, Charles comes up with a creative solution to their problem:[B.J. looks over at the light coming from Hawkeye's corner of the tent, then hops off his cot, still in his sleeping bag, and heads over to Hawkeye]
B.J.: 'Scuse me! [grabs Hawkeye's pillow from under his head and returns to his cot, where he lies on his side with one pillow over each ear]
Hawkeye: Hey! That's my pillow!
B.J.: [removing the pillow and sitting up] Yeees, and [points] these are my eyes, which your light is in.
Hawkeye: I need this light to read my book.
B.J.: Well, you wouldn't if you read it during the daytime.
Hawkeye: [angrily] During the daytime I was busy chasing socks!
Charles: [tired, not even sitting up in bed] Pierce... daytime is for talking. Nighttime is for sleeping.
Hawkeye: Forget it.
B.J.: [livid] Look, we're over here fighting for democracy! All those in favour of turning out the light say "aye". AYE!
Charles: [exasperated] Aye!...
Hawkeye: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown! I will turn off this light when and only when I get to the end of this book.
Charles: [sits up in bed and pushes his sleep mask from his eyes to his forehead] Very well, Pierce. [gets out of bed, marches over to Hawkeye's corner of the tent, grabs his book, and tears it down the spine at the page Hawkeye is currently reading before handing him the first part of the book] You are now... at the end... of your book. [points at the new "last page", then turns off Hawkeye's light] Good night. [heads back to his cot]
Hawkeye: [turns the light back on] JUST a minute!... [gets cut off by B.J. throwing his pillow back into his face]
- The hostilities continue to spill over into the first sitting for the group portrait Potter is planning to paint for Mildred's birthday.Potter: [standing at his easel, palette and brush at the ready] Okay, everybody! Big smiles for Mildred! [notices that B.J., Hawkeye, and Charles are standing far apart in the back row] Can't you fellas in the back close ranks a bit?
Charles: We can; we choose not to.
B.J.: Colonel, I wanna be in another row.
Hawkeye: I wanna be in another painting.
Margaret: [slaps her knee impatiently] Will you three stop it? You're behaving like five-year-olds.
Hawkeye: [childishly] Are NOT!
Potter: Ten-HUT! [gestures] Close ranks! [B.J. and Charles reluctantly close the distance between themselves and Hawkeye] That's more like it. Now stay happy 'til I tell you to stop.
B.J.: Be sure to get Hawkeye's socks in the picture, he doesn't like to go anywhere without 'em.
Hawkeye: You're going to need very light paint for B.J.'s fingers!
Potter: [as Charles yawns loudly] Uh, Winchester, Mildred doesn't care anything about looking at your tonsils.
Charles: I'm terribly sorry, sir, I can't imagine why I'm so tired, unless it has something to do with being kept awake half the night! [glares at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: [points to Charles] This jerk tore my book apart!
B.J.: [points to Hawkeye] Because this jerk was reading 'til two in the morning!
Mulcahy: You're all acting like jerks!
Hawkeye: You stay out of this, Father, you live alone!
Margaret: [outraged] Just like you, Pierce, to pick on a priest!
Hawkeye: Oh, shut up, you live alone too!
Klinger: Can't we just be quiet and get this over with?
B.J., Charles: SO DO YOU!
B.J.: This creep threw a light in my face!
Margaret: How can the colonel paint with this racket!?
Charles: [through clenched teeth] Imagine trying to sleep through this!
Hawkeye: You destroyed my book, you fascist!
- The opening, where a barefoot Hawkeye comes to the breakfast table, and immediately crawls underneath checking everyone's socks to find out who stole his (obviously B.J.). The next five minutes are him acting like a feral brat and his very tired friends trying to calm him down.
- From "Trick or Treatment":
- Charles doesn't have a lot of patience for people who do stupid things that require medical attention, so he turns his snarking up to eleven and becomes a master Troll when dealing with a Marine who got a pool ball stuck in his mouth.Charles: Hello, I'm Dr. Winchester. And your name is?
Charles: Would that be with one "M" or two? [Laroche grumbles around the pool ball in his mouth and gestures insistently] Of course... three. [writes on pad] Now then, what seems to be the, er, problem? [Laroche makes more frustrated, indistinct grumbling sounds] Now, my dear lad, don't be shy, the doctor is your friend! [more grumbling from Laroche as he gestures to his mouth, but Charles is deliberately avoiding looking at his face and instead puts his stethoscope against Laroche's back to listen to his breathing] You seem to be a bit... congested. [grumbling from Laroche] Maybe a little frog in your throat? [Laroche grumbles again, shakes his head, and points to the pool ball in his mouth, but Charles continues to pretend he hasn't seen it] Could you... could you cough for the doctor, please.
Laroche: [high-pitched] Mm-MM! [shakes his head]
Charles: [takes his stethoscope out of his ears] Well, my dear man, how can I discover what's wrong with you if you will not co-operate? [Laroche grumbles and points at his mouth again, but Charles puts his ear next to Laroche's mouth instead of looking] Oh, I see, you want me to take your temperature! I can do that. [he picks up a thermometer, then pretends to only now notice the pool ball in Laroche's mouth] GAD-zooks!... You realise you have something in your mouth?
Laroche: [nods frantically] Mm-HMM! Mm-HMM!
Charles: What on Earth could that be? [Laroche mimes playing pool] Oh looky! There's a little "6" painted on it. Could that be... how old you are? [Laroche groans] Oh! Now I see! You may not realise this, but you have a pool ball lodged in your mouth. [Laroche nods and taps the end of his nose to say "You've got it!"] No sweat, there is an alternative... I'll just take your temperature the other way! [he shoves Laroche over onto his side]
- Winchester finishes the scene by giving the Marine a threat that is equal parts Awesome and Funny.Winchester: The next time we meet, I will perform surgery. Whether you need it or not!
- Charles doesn't have a lot of patience for people who do stupid things that require medical attention, so he turns his snarking up to eleven and becomes a master Troll when dealing with a Marine who got a pool ball stuck in his mouth.
- The entire episode "The Joker is Wild". After accepting a dare from Hawkeye, who had been unfavorably comparing B.J.'s pranking ability to his old friend Trapper's earlier, B.J. proceeds to play an elaborate prank on him. He wagers that he can prank the other six regular characters - Hawkeye, Potter, Margaret, Charles, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy - in under 24 hours, and if he succeeds, the prank victims must stand on a table and perform a striptease while singing "You're the Tops"; if he fails, he will perform the same forfeit. The next day is anything but ordinary...
- Hawkeye is woken by a blood-curdling scream from Charles, whom he sees attacking a snake in his cot with a golf club. The major confronts B.J. and then disposes of the snake while Klinger summons the three Swampmen to Potter's tent. As they head over, we get this gem from Charles...Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits, and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray that you will turn to me so that I can laugh in your face.
- The conversation is interrupted by Potter screaming "Sweet Mother Macree! I think I'm gonna die!" They race over to his tent, where he says he was brushing his teeth and suddenly bubbles started coming out of his nose; Charles sniffs his toothpaste and shaving cream tubes and says someone has spiked the former with the latter. Potter takes it in stride, then says he needs a volunteer to swap places with a doctor at the 8063rd; Charles volunteers to get "out of the line of seltzer fire". Later, in the Post Op Ward, Victim #3 enters in a rage...Hawkeye: [as Margaret enters the ward] Morning, Margaret.
Margaret: Buzz off! [storms over to B.J.] You!... [lowers her voice to a whisper] Doctor Fink! Over here!
B.J.: [following Margaret to the edge of the room, out of earshot of the patients] Hi, Margaret, how the heck are ya?
Margaret: You jerkface, you lousemouth!
B.J.: Aw, you're just saying that.
Hawkeye: What's the matter, what did he do now?
Margaret: [unfolding her silk bathrobe and putting it on over her clothes] I put this on, and I went to take a shower. Needless to say, I wasn't wearing my fatigues at the time. I only took a few steps out of doors when suddenly things got chilly. Here's why! [turns around to reveal the seat has been cut out of her robe]
B.J.: [smirking] Gee, Margaret, you look like you could use a bun warmer!
Margaret: [turns to give B.J. a Death Glare] Shut up, you lowlife! I turned and ran back into my tent, but not before hearing a chorus of whistles, catcalls, and one marriage proposal!
- Later, in the mess tent, the ever more paranoid Hawkeye becomes convinced Igor has partnered with B.J. in a Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo when he talks up the peas and carrots and says the beans are unfit for human consumption, so he helps himself to B.J.'s lunch instead. Father Mulcahy chides Hawkeye for being a stick in the mud, then takes a forkful of food...Mulcahy: [grabs his throat and begins turning bright red] Argh!... Hot!... Hot!...
Hawkeye: You are the lowest!
Mulcahy: Water!... [points to the jug between Hawkeye and B.J.]
B.J.: Me? What did I do?
Hawkeye: Look at him, you poisoned a priest!
Hawkeye: I cannot believe you could be so insensitive. [Mulcahy finally leans over the table, grabs the jug, and gulps directly from it] I just can't believe it.
Mulcahy: [wipes off his mouth] B.J.... B.J., you crumb!
B.J.: Father, if you'd want some water,note why didn't you just ask? [Mulcahy sputters in disgust, slams down the jug, and storms out of the mess tent]
- Klinger rigs the doors of his office with mess tins and other metal objects that clatter noisily when the doors are opened as part of his determination not to become Victim #5. However, as Hawkeye exits and heads back to the Swamp, there is a huge explosion, and Hawkeye races back into the office to find a fire burning in the file cabinet which he helps Klinger extinguish before being ordered out by the terrified clerk, who declares Hawkeye a "walking time bomb" (an assessment not helped by a grinning B.J. looking through the window of the post-op doors and holding up a single finger to signify that Hawkeye is the only prank victim left). By this point, Hawkeye is so paranoid he ends up surrounding his cot with barbed wire fencing and keeping a golf club at the ready, refusing to sleep.
- The next morning, a sleepy, hungry Hawkeye shows up for breakfast with B.J. and his five victims and starts gloating. However, the others reveal they were actually in on it the entire time. Hawkeye was the only target. His expression when the The Reveal happens is priceless. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- Hawkeye is woken by a blood-curdling scream from Charles, whom he sees attacking a snake in his cot with a golf club. The major confronts B.J. and then disposes of the snake while Klinger summons the three Swampmen to Potter's tent. As they head over, we get this gem from Charles...
- "Settling Debts":
- After leading the planning session for the party to celebrate the final payment of the mortgage on the Potters' house, Hawkeye closes with the unforgettable "We will now leave one by one according to order of departure."
- Plus, the conflict? Potter believes that his wife bought a houseboat, and throws an out and out tantrum about it because he doesn't want to go to Florida, because no one over the age of 60 should be taking scuba classes and he shrivels up in bright sunlight. He is absurdly upset about this.
- "The Moon is Not Blue":
- The 4077th is in the grip of a blistering heat wave, the film courier has brought them the World War II-set Humphrey Bogart vehicle Sahara for the umpteenth time, and General Rothaker, one of the latest batch of wounded, has ordered Potter to ban the consumption of alcohol during his stay. When Potter reluctantly announces the news to the crowd in the Officers' Club, B.J. reminds Hawkeye that they "still have the still"... or so he thinks. Then a potential solution to their misery appears... or, again, so they think:B.J.: [approaching the Swamp] I'm gonna go in there and pour my heart out. [holds the door for Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: I'll drink to that! [as he and B.J. enter, their faces fall]
B.J.: No you won't... it's gone. [sure enough, the still's usual table is empty except for a newspaper and a letter]
Hawkeye: Damn it!...
B.J.: Wait - they left a ransom note. [picks up the letter, reads] "Sorry boys, but I've had to impound your hoochmobile for the duration of Rothaker's stay." [thwacks the letter in irritation] "Reluctantly, Colonel Potter."
Hawkeye: [taking the letter] Lousy revenuers.
Charles: [entering] Gentlemen.
B.J.: [looking through the newspaper] Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.
Hawkeye: I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
Charles: Indeed I did, but alas, I had to leave when the film broke, which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector - and I would have been here sooner, but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience. [notices the empty table] My, my. What has become of your wino's Erector set?
Hawkeye: Potter took it. Rothaker has declared Prohibition! [throws down the letter]
B.J.: [notices something in the newspaper] Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen to this! "Blue movie banned in Boston"!
Hawkeye: What? [reads over B.J.'s shoulder]
B.J.: "The Moon is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theatres due to its suggestive nature!" [grins eagerly]
Hawkeye: [grabbing the paper] Philistines, they said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.
Charles: [chuckles] Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind Boston would have banned Pinocchio.
- Hawkeye and B.J. go on a string of shenanigans to try and get the film sent to the 4077th, culminating in having a clerk physical swap the film in the canisters so the movie slated to head to the 4077th will be The Moon Is Blue instead of what it says on the tin. Then, they get back to camp, excited to see this racy banned film, only to find that the visiting General Rothaker, in a show of gratitude, as arranged for a special film to be delivered to the camp for movie night: The Moon Is Blue. Hawkeye and B.J.'s disappointment is profound.
- And as Charles predicted, when the 4077th finally get their hands on a copy of The Moon is Blue at the very end of the episode, the audience find it disappointingly tame:[on screen, we see an exchange from The Moon is Blue between Maggie McNamara as Patty O'Neill and William Holden as Donald Gresham]
Patty O'Neill: I'm so glad you don't mind.
Donald Gresham: Mind what?
Patty O'Neill: Well, men are usually so bored with virgins, I'm so glad you're not. [Gresham looks embarrassed and leads her off]
Hawkeye: I'm outraged! It's a disgrace! I've never seen a cleaner movie in my life!
B.J.: There was more filth and dirt in this morning's breakfast!
Mulcahy: Well, one of the actors did say "virgin".
Hawkeye: That's because everyone was!note
- The 4077th is in the grip of a blistering heat wave, the film courier has brought them the World War II-set Humphrey Bogart vehicle Sahara for the umpteenth time, and General Rothaker, one of the latest batch of wounded, has ordered Potter to ban the consumption of alcohol during his stay. When Potter reluctantly announces the news to the crowd in the Officers' Club, B.J. reminds Hawkeye that they "still have the still"... or so he thinks. Then a potential solution to their misery appears... or, again, so they think:
- In "UN The Night and the Music," Charles becomes acquainted with a British surgeon, Dr. Kent, who, in his words, "Summered in Sanremo and Wintered in Sussex," and also shares Charles' high-class taste. Rather than hitting it off, however, Dr. Kent spends his time with Charles correcting and scrutinizing him (such as the location and quality of a restaraunt, his taste in brandy, and trivia about a painter). After getting drunk, the two exchange insults, and Charles tells Kent to, "Take your father's villa and stuff it", to which he laughs and finally reveals that his father was merely the butler, and he himself was the chauffeur when he was older to put himself through medical school, and Charles had assumed the rest.Dr. Kent: You assumed that only people of wealth and breeding have any taste or class. Well, mate! You have been outclassed by the son of a bloody butler!
- Although it may have a Heartwarming conclusion, the B plot of "Say No More" in which Margaret gets laryngitis just before she is due to meet Steven Chesler, an ER doctor she greatly admires but whom Charles dismisses as a quack, is full of funny moments.
- Margaret walks into the mess tent for breakfast the day after giving herself a home permanent, to the admiration of many men present, but then gets a nasty surprise (besides the usual ones) when she walks up to the breakfast table:[as Margaret enters the tent, several men wolf-whistle]
Corpsman: Good morning, Major Monroe!
Igor: [fanning himself] Hel-LO, Madame! It will be my great privilege to serve you breakfast! We just got a fresh shipment of Wheaties, how about a heaping bowlful? [holds up a bowl]
Margaret: [smiles] Well- [is shocked to hear her voice come out as a strangled rasp; she tries coughing to clear her throat] Well- [no improvement; she coughs again, but it still doesn't help, and she grabs her throat] Hahh...
Igor: Major, I feel the same way about the food here, but this is all we got.
Margaret: [throws down her tray and shoots Igor a Death Glare] Idiot!... [struggling to get the words out] I need- um- I need a doc- [runs over to the table near the door, where Charles and Father Mulcahy are having breakfast]
Mulcahy: Good morning, Major! If you don't mind my saying so, hubba hubba!
Margaret: [smiles politely at Mulcahy, then turns to Charles, who is pointedly ignoring her] Muh... Muh... Char... [she pounds the table]
Charles: Ahh! Margaret! Can't you just say "good morning" as civilised people do!? [he turns back to his breakfast, but Margaret grabs his arm, then points at her throat and then over to the building housing the exam rooms while groaning] It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play Charades. [turns back to his breakfast again; Margaret groans again and pounds the table]
Mulcahy: Uh, Doctor, I think you're being paged. [Margaret nods and points at her throat and the exam room again, still unable to get a coherent word out]
Charles: May I at least finish my Wheaties? [Margaret grabs Charles and drags him out of the mess tent] Margaret!... What is wrong?...
- Charles examines Margaret and delivers an unwelcome diagnosis - and some even more unwelcome editorial comments:Charles: [removes the reflector disc from his forehead after examining Margaret's throat] It would appear that last night's unfortunate meeting between your wet head and the chill air has resulted in a rather nasty case of laryngitis.
Margaret: [shoulders sag; speaking in a hoarse whisper] No!... The lecture...
Charles: Lecture?... ohh, that silly talk in Seoul by this quack you've been drooling over.
Margaret: Must go there.
Charles: So, go! Last I knew, the only thing you needed for a lecture were ears, yours look fine to me. [pushes her hair away from her ears]
Margaret: [angrily smacks Charles' hand away] No! I...
Margaret: Meeting Dr. Chesler after... personally.
Charles: [smirking] Really! I thought this was merely a medical sabbatical.
Margaret: [glares at Charles and punches his upper arm] It IS! [sighs] I've admired the doctor for years. Heard he was coming here. I wrote him.
Charles: Fan mail to a physician! [chuckles] That's cute!
Margaret: Never expected a reply. He wrote... saying how impressed he is with my ideas of triage. He wants to meet me. ME!
Charles: Well, well, well. It would appear that your current affliction wouldn't make any difference. Your starry-eyed admiration for the good doctor would have left you speechless anyway!
Margaret: [grabs Charles by the shoulders; through clenched teeth] Winchester, voice gone, fists fine. [holds one up to illustrate]
- When Chesler's plans change, Margaret is forced to recruit a still reluctant Charles to act as her voice for a phone conversation:[Margaret is in her tent gargling]
Klinger: [over PA] Attention, Major Houlihan! You have a telephone call from a Dr. Steven Chesler in Seoul! [Margaret's eyes bulge and she quickly spits out the mouthwash] Please hurry, I can't tie up the phone long! [Margaret quickly puts a coat on over her bathrobe; cut to the Swamp, where Charles is sleeping and B.J. is grooming himself]
B.J.: [Margaret bursts through the door carrying a pad and pencil and hurries over to Charles' cot] What a pleasant surprise, it's Harpo! Love your outfit. [Margaret hisses at Charles, trying to rouse him, but he is fast asleep] Sometimes a grenade in his jammies does the trick! [Margaret writes on the pad and shakes Charles, holding the pad in front of his face]
Charles: [finally wakes up] Hmm? What do you want with me now? [cut to Klinger's office; Charles is on the phone as Margaret stands next to him] Dr. Chesler! Well! This is indeed a... phone call. I am Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester, perhaps you are familiar with my work?... [Margaret rolls her eyes] Oh. Well, I'm in... [shoots Margaret an impatient look] the Boston Yellow Pages.note Ah, I'm speaking on behalf of Major Houlihan, who is here with me, but who is unfortunately suffering from a rather severe case of laryngitis. However... [Margaret puts the pad down on the desk in front of Charles] she wanted me, er, to tell you, er, how much she's looking... foodward...
Margaret: No! [taps the pad]
Charles: Sorry, forward, to your lecture. Ah. She's always felt that you are the... [reads the pad again and gets a disgusted look; Margaret taps the pad again] er... greatest surgeon... in the wood. [Margaret groans and points to the word again] World! Sorry, in the world. ... Don't... thank me, believe me, those are... her words. ... Oh, yes?... yes, I'll tell her. Just, just, just a moment. [puts the receiver against his shoulder] Dr. Chesler has had to change his plans suddenly, he must return to the States immediately and he's been forced to cancel his lecture.
Margaret: [groans] NO!...
Charles: However... if you can be in Seoul by 11 tomorrow morning, he will be honored to have a meeting with you at the hospital. [Margaret gets an excited look and nods; Charles speaks into the phone again] She said that'll be fine. ... Right, she'll see you then. Ah! ... Oh, thank you! [grimaces as he hangs up the phone]
- Margaret walks into the mess tent for breakfast the day after giving herself a home permanent, to the admiration of many men present, but then gets a nasty surprise (besides the usual ones) when she walks up to the breakfast table:
- From the Grand Finale, "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen":
- One final rant from Hawkeye:Hawkeye: I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five.
- The four words you'd never, in a million years, think you would hear out of Klinger's mouth: "I'm staying in Korea."Hawkeye: You don't have to act crazy anymore! We're all getting out!
- Klinger leading up to his proposal to Soon-Lee:Klinger: Remember when I told you that I used to wear dresses to try and get out of the Army?
Klinger: Well, I saved a couple of 'em, I brought one over.
Soon-Lee: Oh, good, I always wanted to see you in one!
- Hawkeye and Margaret's kiss that goes on... and on... and on, while Potter, B.J. and Charles stand awkwardly and try to look anywhere else. Colonel Potter's reaction in particular is hilarious. Charles has a Funny Background Event as he starts reading from the book he was giving to Margaret - one he didn't even like - and is several pages in by the time the kiss finally ends.
- One final rant from Hawkeye:
- When the Swamp is taken down.Charles: Oh, how I wish I could have swung the axe.
Hawkeye: Think of all the rats that are homeless now.
Charles: Don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.