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Axis Powers Hetalia
- A Hetalia fanfic called "Never Before." America and England, while fighting in WWII, also have a pun war with each other. The results are hilarious, to say the least.HAVING A FINE TIME IN HILDESHEIM STOP
HAVE YET TO FIND A HILDE STOP
THERE MAY BE ONE IN WILDENHAUSEN STOP
I ALSO HAVE THAT TOO STOP
BUT BY THE TIME WE GET TO BREMEN FRANCE WILL BE IN BADEN-BADEN AND THAT'S NOT ALL BAD STOP
ARE YOUR EARS BLEEDING YET FROM THE PUNS STOP
IF NOT I'VE GOT A DIVISION OF THEM FULL STOP
- Don't forget America's response to Pearl Harbor and being dragged into war with Japan: CLEARLY THE ANSWER IS TO SHOVE MY JETS SO FAR UP JAPAN'S ASS THAT HIS ANCESTORS FEEL IT AND CALL OFF THE ATTACK BEFORE IT HAPPENS
- There's also the part where they're fighting together, only for France to unexpectedly begin shooting at them:Why is France shooting at us? I thought he wasn't supposed to shoot at us!
Fuck if I know! I blame the syphilis!
…he still has that, huh?
America, what's worse than a clap-addled sex maniac under the thumb of the nazis?
I dunno, what?
A clap-addled sex maniac under the thumb of the nazis who is still sniping at you you idiot, get down!
I'm getting down, I'm getting down—ha, okay, I think we've got the beachheads, I'm pretty sure I see France pulling out. Awesome.
France, pulling out? Now that's something you don't see every day.
Ha ha ha. Give me a hand with Oran, will you? I don't think I'm going to have any more problems with Casablanca.
Certainly. I'll come in from the West.
You know, Iggy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I think we ought to call it the end of the beginning.
- An Axis Powers Hetalia Kink Meme fill featuring Canada leaving passive-aggressive notes: "Thank you all for talking over me through the last meeting. I hope it made you all feel better about your tiny landmasses."
- Another, when America and Canada attempt to film Twincest porn: "Why would a pizza delivery guy deliver pizza to his brother's bedroom?"
- One hilarious one has America discover how the nations have been putting requests on the kink meme for ages, and begins reading their prompts aloud as a team-building exercise. This reaches extreme heights of hilarity when Greece wakes up and joins in the conversation."Natural thing," he said, when they'd finished. "Sex, I mean, not the internet, though if you consider beaver dams natural, are human creations so different? The human animal is an animal, of animal urges…"
"Hey, this prompt is for Mama Greece and Mama Egypt dubcon," America said.
"…and I will kill you all like animals," Greece finished, and snapped his pen in half.
- The rest of the fic is the nations reading said Ancient Greece/Ancient Egypt fic aloud, passing the phone from one another as Greece attacks them. By the end? "Greece had to be sedated, England needed three stitches (and some alone time), and France had to get a new phone." And according to the footnotes, Hungary provided the sedatives for "…Horse…emergencies"
- The Axis Powers Hetalia fanfiction Chasing an Empty Dream manages to be hilarious, even with the romantic and Tear Jerker elements to it. One such moment is in Chapter 15, when Germany has discovered that he used to be the Holy Roman Empire and Prussia wants him to tell Italy the news.Germany stiffened when he heard a familiar "Ciao!" on the other line. "Hey there, Italy! You'll never guess what—!"
Germany swiped the phone out of Prussia's hands. "Wrong number," he hissed into the receiver and hung up.
Prussia blinked. "I called him by his name. You really gonna think he'll believe that?"
"Hey fratello, who was that?"
(Back in the plot…)
- The next chapter is cracky from beginning to end, as Germany tries to go on a date with Italy. Romano finds out and spies on them in a Paper-Thin Disguise of a mustache as their waiter, which Italy completely fails to notice ("Ve~ you know, if you shaved that mustache, you'd look just like my brother…"). Hilarity Ensues as Spain bursts in with an ax, England bursts in with his eyebrows dyed pink, France bursts in to carry off England, and Canada has to get rid of an overly-excited America. There's also this exchange, as Germany and Italy have a bowl of pasta together:Germany swallowed, feeling his face getting red. "Err, I don't mind…sharing…" he mumbled.
(Outside: "You communist!" America shouted.)
- The next chapter is cracky from beginning to end, as Germany tries to go on a date with Italy. Romano finds out and spies on them in a Paper-Thin Disguise of a mustache as their waiter, which Italy completely fails to notice ("Ve~ you know, if you shaved that mustache, you'd look just like my brother…"). Hilarity Ensues as Spain bursts in with an ax, England bursts in with his eyebrows dyed pink, France bursts in to carry off England, and Canada has to get rid of an overly-excited America. There's also this exchange, as Germany and Italy have a bowl of pasta together:
- The Axis Powers Hetalia Kink Meme fill Guys, Greece Is Never Holding This Conference Again. Ever. is pretty much hilarious from beginning to end, as Eros, god of love, decides to fix some political tensions by making the nations fall in love with each other. The entire thing is cracky, but especially hilarious are the responses the non-infected nations have to this all."Silence!" shouted Germany over all the voices and started pointing at nations one at a time. "Denmark! Get Sweden to his own chair! Finland, stop recording already! Hungary! You too! Prussia! Stop laughing! Japan, stop taking notes of this! Egypt, would you stop looking like nothing has happened? And Greece! What the fuck is going on!?"
Greece stared to the window past Germany where Eros was doing a victory dance to himself. "How should I know?"
- One Hetalia fanfiction has England drunkenly crashing a re-enactment of the American Revolutionary War. This results in him screaming and swearing at the participants, which the viewers seem to find more entertaining than the actual performance.The angry British man had begun to attract a larger crowd than the war reenactment itself. Amused Americans used cell phones and cameras to record him as he swung himself across the field, flailing his arms in a failed attempt to point at everyone at the same time. In less than two hours a video titled "Crazy British Guy" would gain 4,000 hits on youtube before it was deleted by a disclosed source.
- There's also this gem:"You are a gentleman and a scholar, my boy," England said in a clearer, happier voice than before. "I don't know why I ever doubted you."
"You too, buddy," America smirked, mentally cataloguing it all for future story telling. Or maybe blackmailing.
- Towards the end, England (still drunk) promises American that he can have his second-best unicorn, Wistera. When England finally sobers up later in the day, there's this exchange:"Hey there sleeping beauty," he teased when England finally finished and collapsed back against his pillow.
"Sod off. What the hell did I do last night?"
"You mean this morning."
"Don't worry, I'll tell you the whole story later," he said, closing his eyes again. "And I'll take good care of Wisteria, I promise."
- There's also this gem:
- Father Figure, a Bleach short story has one for Mayuri, who via a subtle Batman Gambit manages to obliterate Hueco Mundo. How? Jacking Yachiru up on super sugar and shooting her into Hueco Mundo with a giant
cannonNot A Cannon.
- This little gem from Not Quite As Planned:Ichigo: I'm not even going to turn around. Rukia? Who snuck up on us this time?
Rukia: …Captain Aizen…
Ichigo: Of course it is… Any chance of him going away if we pretend we didn't notice him?
Aizen: I'm afraid not.
Ichigo: Didn't think so.
- Code Geass: Colorless Memories has it's own page of hilarious events.
- This scene from the Code Geass fic 32 Pickup:"Hm, I think I'm gonna move my horse…" Nonette smirked confidently and picked up the piece.
"Firstly, it's STILL not your turn yet because I STILL haven't moved yet, and second, IT'S A KNIGHT." Lelouch hissed, his grip on the table tightening and his knuckles turning white.
"Can I move here?" Nonette would set it down halfway across the board, knocking Lelouch's queen off the board as she did.
"NO, because it's not your TURN AND because KNIGHTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!"
"But I thought the horse can jump over guys."
"IT'S NOT A HORSE! IT'S A KNIGHT! AND IT CAN JUMP OVER ONLY TWO PIECES, NOT GUYS, PER MOVE!"
"Well, I did only jump over two guys." Nonette smiled and pointed to her pawn and Lelouch's pawn, not only on the other side of the board, but also two columns away. "My guy and your guy. Then I killed this guy. Now I'm next to your other guy. So, king me."
"YOU CAN'T MOVE THAT WAY, THOSE ARE PAWNS, THAT IS A QUEEN, THAT IS A KING, IT'S NOT YOUR TURN, AND THERE IS NO KING ME IN CHESS!"
"I don't know why you're raising your voice at me, it's just a game. Nellie was right, you're such a kid." Nonette blew some hair from her face and reached in for another piece.
"I refuse to play with you until you learn how chess works, Ms. Enneagram. Good day." Lelouch rose from the table, while Nonette raised both fists in the air and grinned.
"I win again! The crowd goes wild!" She then made haaaaaah noises into her hand for a bit as she watched the prince retreat to the safety of his room.
- In Chapter 24 of Lelouch of Britannia, Kallen's assassination attempt on Lelouch, which is short in seriousness and high in awkwardness:Kallen: WHY ARE YOU NAKED?
Lelouch: [thinking] It was a difficult question, considering his life may well depend on the response. [aloud] Usually, people undress for showers.
- And because this is Lelouch (if Alternate Universe-still-a-Britannian-prince Lelouch) he acts like himself and completely misinterprets her behavior: he thinks she's a Stalker with a Crush. Though arguably the funniest and certainly the most awkward part is when his bodyguards barge in to rescue him, Kallen slips, and they find the two of them lying on top of each other, soaking wet, and respectively half-dressed and buck naked. And because he doesn't want to ruin her reputation (It's not her fault she was smitten with him), Lulu pretends it's exactly what it looks like and calmly gives orders for a cover-up… while still lying on the floor, naked and being crushed by Kallen's boobs.
- The author's note on Chapter 17 also deserves a mention:I've wanted to write that parade scene for some time now. More specifically, I wanted to write a scene in which girls passed out enmasse screaming Lelouch's name; seemed appropriate.
- And the time when the excerpt at the beginning of the chapter was about a media manhunt for Lelouch. Apparently Alternate History and being renamed "Jim" has had very little effect of Jon Stewart's personality.On Monday, the Enquirer offered £100,000 for "photo evidence of [Prince Lelouch's] current whereabouts." A rival publication, the Weekly Mail, responded with an offer of £200,000 for new footage of the prince "in a casual, unguarded setting." The latest entrant into the escalating tabloid war was the Pendragon Post, who offered £375,000 for pictures capturing the Prince with "non-familiar female companionship." In his opening segment on Tuesday night's The Daily Show, Jim Stewart predicted that by week's end someone will put up a million pounds for "images of the Prince directing amphibious operations at a nudist beach." The fake news program host called upon the Prince to "take one for the team" and undress for magazines. "Their women will defect and Europe will lose all its fighting strength; war's over. All hail Britannia."
- "When using a human shield, grab a fat guy."
- Schneizel defeats Lelouch by sponsoring a pizza chain.Dear Zero, we regret to inform you that Pizza Hut is no longer able to support the rebellion. Yours truly, Pizza Hut.
- Also, Bismarck's cocoa puffs and strawberry milk.
- This Code Geass fanfic, during a Britannia attack, we have this dialogue:Mao: Anyway, Rakshata wants a flying monkey. [A Vincent frame]
Zero: What? Mao, I don't have time for your crazy. Either make sense or shut up.
Mao: No, I'm serious. Old man Chuck released the flying monkeys, and your mad scientist wants you to bring her back one.
Zero: Fine, when this is over, she can have all the flying monkeys she wants.
Mao: Ha! [pointing a triumphant finger at Tamaki, who was standing nearby, pretending not to be listening] And you thought I couldn't make him say it.
Tamaki: You let me down, Zero! [scowling, pulling out his wallet and handing Mao a five dollar bill] You let me down!
- It's prequel Your Past, My Future has several gems as well, including:Lelouch: Hey, Rivalz. Are you alright?
Rivalz: Alright?! You go off and hijack a bunch of terrorists, and you ask me if I'm alright? I was worried sick about you! Have you gone nuts? Have you lost your mind? Did you ever think what it would have been like for me if I had to tell the whole student council how you got yourself killed in a spontaneous burst of idiocy?
Rivalz: What were you thinking? "Hey, look! There's some mortal peril over there! Let's get closer!" You're usually pretty smart, man, but that's just stupid! I mean, you're a chess player, not some secret agent of the empire! Are you?
Lelouch: A what? Rivalz, I honestly think that's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said.
Rivalz: Uh, Lulu, this isn't one of those, "I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you" things, is it?
Lelouch: If I said yes, would you tell the whole school about it by tomorrow?
Rivalz: …I might not.
Lelouch: Rivalz, listen to me. You are blowing things way out of proportion. I'm fine. Ask me tomorrow, and I'll be able to explain everything to you, I promise. And I'd appreciate it if you would please not mention this to anyone at school until you know all the details. You know how rumors fly around, and apparently I already have a harem of Eleven girls to run while running the largest trafficking of refrain in the country, and I'm not sure I could handle being an imperial agent as well.
- And after killing Clovis:Lelouch: Sorry brother. Force of habit.
- There's also this segment, where Mao shows up to save C.C. in prison under Zero's watch.Mao strode to the indicated cell and opened it up dramatically. "C.C., your knight in shining armor is here to save you."
C.C. stared at him in surprise, slow recognition, and finally, shock. "Oh no. Oh please no."
- It's prequel Your Past, My Future has several gems as well, including:
- From Cornelia of the Defection, we have Lelouch's reaction to being Mistaken for Gay.Lelouch: It's called metrosexual and I'm fabulous.
- In Untitled Memoirs, Charles zi Britannia leaves a note directing whoever overthrew him to his journals but leaves a ps at the end.Charles: PS. If this is Clovis reading, then I can honestly say that I'm surprised. Well done, I suppose.
- In the Peggy Sue fic Like A Wish where Kallen and Suzaku have gone back to Shinjuku (though neither knows about the other), Kallen catches Arthur when it has Lelouch's Zero mask on it. She hides the mask then decides to have some fun and brings the cat back with the "incriminating evidence", namely her bra.
- Experiments have several, as an example of being a series of experiments Lelouch does with his Geass. The first chapter alone has a series of ones testing the ability of people to do impossible tasks while under Geass control like licking their own elbows, and it goes from there.
- Of Monsters and Men: Suzaku snarkily describes Lelouch having the physical abilities of a 'wounded marshmallow', noting he was impressed he got 10 feet away before Euphie managed to tackle him.
- The Black Emperor
- Milly shuts off Lelouch's alarm clock by kicking it so hard it shatters against the far well. Then C.C. accidentally rolls too far and falls out of bed before swearing into the carpet that she'll have her vengeance.
- Kallen accidentally lets slip to her mother Naomi that she's in a relationship with Milly and Lelouch.Kallen: Little bit more than friends at this point. …You heard nothing!
Naomi: Baby pictures…
Kallen: No. You cut that out right now mom! No baby pictures!
- In The Art Of Drowning L and Watari use a keyword variety of Spy Speak which Light later unwittingly uses when pretending to be L:L: I would rather avoid Watari all together, but if there is a chance that he is not in league with Roger, then I would prefer him by my side. I'm just not looking forward to the interrogation.
Light: Well, at least he'll bring tea and scones.
Light: Erm, I told the boys to tell him to bring tea and scones? So he'd know it was really you? Because you tell him that a lot?
L: You told him to come armed to the teeth and prepared to kill.
Light: I – what? I did?
- "It's… you know… lubricant—from the Shinigami world."
- In Constant Temptation there is a moment where Mello, Matt, and Near find themselves in a position where they have to confess to spying on L and Light's bedroom activities:Near: Are we sure we want to do this?
Mello: It's not like you to have doubts.
Near: I don't usually face such definite trouble.
Matt: That is the one thing we can guarantee will happen. We still in agreement over who to confess to?
- Followed by the punishment Kira inflicts upon the Wammy's Boys: Dresses.
- The Deathnote Dating Gameshow has two:
- This scene:Light: So we're standing outside your door, ready to call it a night. How would you go about ending our date to ensure it was memorable for me?
Light: Good answer, Misa!
- Everything L says/does. Everything (in particular his depiction of a 'date' with Light and Light's reaction).
- This scene:
- One from The End Is Near that really stands out:Matt: Let me get this straight. Your ex is thin, pretty, blonde, overreacts to everything, and has a penchant for Gothic clothing?
Matt: Are you sure you weren't dating Mello?
- In chapter 32 of The Faceless a Death Note After the End AU, has the following exchange when the cast stops at a bar:Light pulled himself up to the counter, putting on his, 'I'm completely normal and if you don't believe me, I'll Kill You!,' façade. Evidently, it didn't work; the bartender simply continued to stare apprehensively at the faded blood-stain on Light's uniform before slowly reaching for his gun. Best not to trust soldiers.
"He's going to shoot us, isn't he?" Nathanial watched as the bartender froze and carefully removed his hand from the vicinity of his rifle, noticing for the first time, perhaps, just how many weapons the rag-tag team had.
"Someone's always trying to shoot us." Marcus was very apt in pointing things like this out, creating a philosophy that predicted all manner of reactions to their ensemble.
The bartender made an inward estimate of the money he would lose through property damage. Damn foreign soldiers.By the end of the night, it was difficult to decide whether Naomi was scarier drunk or sober. At least when she was sober, she had better aim and didn't attempt to have a sense of humor. Either way, everyone was disturbed.
- All of Grub in which Roger, the child-hating entomologist, describes L's childhood using insect metaphors.
- In Chapter 9 of Heart Beats there is an instance where Light and L attend a fancy dinner party while chained together and L is wearing a fish mask (for the sole purpose of humiliating Light) and while Light is chatting with someone L makes a grab for the snack tables, reaching for a sugar cube. However L can't see very well because of the mask. Turns out it wasn't sugar it was wasabi.
- The parody of poorly written angst in Chapter 7 of The Human Whose Name Is Written In This Fanfiction "In which everyone is very tragic":Don't you just love to read pointless and poorly written garbage about fictional people's problems?
Well if you do you're a complete sadist but that's okay, you've come to the right place. This is the land where we step over the borderline from "tragic past" to "Loaded up with so many problems it's kind of sick". Sounds like fun huh?
Take a glance around the room and you will see our first victim. His name is L Lawliet. Although he possesses legions of adoring fans they all seem to be obsessed with torturing him. Let's take a closer look.
L sat sadly in task force headquarters. He felt his imminent doom hanging over his head as well as the pain of his unrequited love for unnamed love interest/dead love interest. This reminded him of all the tragic things that had happened to him, the things that kept him awake every night for fear of terrible nightmares (because this explanation of L's insomnia isn't complete rubbish at all).
He thought back to his childhood as a poor orphan boy. He thought about that flashback he was going to have later in the series when he died and how it showed how tragic a character he was.
It had all started when the young boy had to watch his family be brutally murdered. They were shot/burned/eaten/poisoned/exploded/forced to watch the Pokémon movies. It was a horrifying memory that would haunt the detective all his life.
After many heart-breaking scenes of carnage Watari brought the young L to Wammy's house. He was very emotionally scarred and had no friends. Then one day Watari brought two new children to the house, A and B.
L immediately fell in love with A/B/random other chick. Unfortunately they died. All of them. Violently. While still carrying his child. Right in front of him. Other wretched stuff.
- In Lab Specimen Ryuk takes up writing Emo poetry in the Death Note while Light is incarcerated and the ensuing death is attributed to Kira:Dreary and long are my days,
I have come to realize that
Perhaps I have made a mistake.
Understand I never meant to go this far;
Time will pass, and I hope
Someday you can forgive me.
Suffice to say, that is all.
I cannot undo the past.
Lord help me.
- And like Kira's previous messages Ryuk's poem has a special hidden message: L IS STUPIDL: Are you trying to tell me something, Kira-kun?
Ryuk: Oh ho- it worked! I wasn't sure if John Greene would write that before dying, but I guess it was vague enough that it worked! He wrote it in his own blood too! Too bad I couldn't watch him do it! That would have been fun.
L: I never knew Kira-kun had such an… emotional side. You should have been in the poetry club.
Ryuk: Oooh! Did you hear that? My poetry is good! It was fun to write too, I wonder if I could practice some more. What did you think, Light? Oh, I forgot, you can't talk to me, right.
Light: You know what it says.
L: Yes. That's not very nice, Yagami-kun.
- And like Kira's previous messages Ryuk's poem has a special hidden message: L IS STUPID
- From Office Politics L begins to regret breaking up with Light:Granted, Raito is a terrifying, jealous, power-hungry, arrogant sociopath Serial Killer, but these are all things that L knew the first time he and Raito played six hours of mind games that led to strip poker and somehow anal sex. It was really rather unfair of him to simply abandon the game mid-session; it wasn't as if he wasn't allowed to change the rules. Perhaps, he'd been hasty.
- "L supposes… Chief Yagami is smart enough to know that his son was not always found nude in the company of L because they were planning on being completely heterosexual with one another."
- "L still has fond memories of surfing S&M websites with Raito; bathed in the glow of the computer, it was almost romantic."
- When jilted Kira sends L a message via dead rapists:Raito stormed off, and four hours after that, all the detectives gather around the television, torn between laughter and louder laughter when a gang known for kidnapping, gang-raping, and trafficking young girls and boys into prostitution all die of what appears to be autoerotic asphyxiation—bodies falling conveniently in a public square.
The chief squints. "Does that—?"
L narrows his eyes and drinks more coffee.
"Yeah," one of the others says.
"It totally does," another detective chimes in.
"L SUCKS DICK," the Chief reads.
Just under his breath, L mutters, "Not anymore, that's for damn sure."
- Light changed L's screensaver to an ad for erectile dysfunction medication.
- L and Light's Spy Speak to talk about their relationship troubles.L has used his extensive knowledge of cryptology to code in things like "Perhaps we should reconsider our relationship and consider reapplying generous amounts of sex in the butt." (Though it frustrated him greatly, even L's awesome mind could not properly work the semantics of forensic pathology and the word "fucking" together.)
Raito raises one fine, fine brow at L when L says this, and replies, "On the other hand, perhaps the coroner wasn't thorough enough in his external examination—needle-punctures can be wildly difficult to locate and I have not yet abandoned the idea that some of these deaths could have been caused by the application of excessive insulin. Local law enforcement has, after all, been writing them off too easily on Kira."
After Raito has left the room, L says, "That was completely uncalled for."
- In The Parameters of Ghosts when L stops by for a friendly haunting:" L…?"
"How will I know this wasn't just some dream when I wake up? Can't you do something to prove that you really are a ghost, and not just part of my mind?"
"Hmm," L briefly pondered. "Does it matter? Trying to prove my existence to you would be tedious. I don't think it would be worth the effort." He shifted around in the large chair, which was probably not cushioned enough for his tastes. The dead, it seemed, could also feel uncomfortable. "You'll just have to deal with matters of sanity on your own."
"Alright, thanks," Light replied, sarcasm apparent.
Light lied back down, but after a minute, he sighed again, still very much aware of the detective's presence.
"You're just going to stay here and watch me sleep? Can't you disappear or something?"
"I've got nowhere else to go. I'm not even sure that I can leave right now. Does it bother you?"
"Whatever. It doesn't matter."
"Goodnight then, Light."
"…See you later, I guess." Never again would be nice, too, he added to himself. He turned to his other side so his back was to L, and didn't say anything more.
- A sideplot in The Prince by Neverending Odyssey gives us a pair of Trolls under the usernames Kirin and Anti-Kira who troll the Kira-worshipper message boards, in addition to arguing and having innuendo-laced conversations with each other. Of course Kirin and Anti-Kira are Light and L. That's right Kira trolls his own message boards. And then there are of course the Kira-worshipper's responses… to Kira.
- In Sex Note there's the instance when Light is discussing with Ryuk how even though he's lonely and bored he still refuses to use the Sex Note to change people and destroy lives for his own amusement:Ryuk: Maybe in university you'll find someone with no friends and no family who you can change!
Light: Sure, Ryuk, there'll be people with no friends and no family who'll ask me to change them.
In two different parts of Japan, a bleached-blonde model and a reclusive detective both sneezed simultaneously.
- In Sweet Surrender L has sex with Light in an attempt to get a confession in the most awkward way possible:Light: Oh, God, that's it… don't you dare stop, I'll fucking kill you if you stop…
L: Will you, now?
- In Those Who Stand for Nothing Fall for Anything B murdered Light's new suit:"Where are my clothes?"
"They're in the sink," he says with a pharmaceutical smile.
"What? No," I gasp. 100% rare breed wool from the Shetland Islands. Woven by nuns. "They're dry clean only, you bastard!"
"Oh. That explains the strange colour of the water. I rinsed them through with boiling water and now they're soaking in cold water. Is that ok? I put ice in it. It's like suit mojito in the kitchen."
"Light, I'm sure that he just overlooked the washing guidelines," L sighs, putting his trousers on under the sheets. "You have other suits."
"Other suits? Other? Suits?"
B pulls my cigarette holder and lighter out of his pocket and holds them out to me. At least he didn't put them in the sink. "Here," he says. "Give yourself cancer."
"What time is it?" L asks.
"Just after ten."
"It was one of a kind. Only virgins can make suits like that," I moan while lighting a cigarette. "Do you know how hard it is to find a virgin these days? Let alone a virgin who's dedicated herself to God and weaving. There are no 'other suits' like that… And I looked fuck amazing in it."
L stares at me with a blank expression. He stares at me for quite a long time. I almost feel stupid after ten seconds. "Cry me a river."
Fine. No sympathy. No support. My suit's been destroyed and he doesn't give a shit. Fine.
- Xanatos had quite a few, a lot of them involving Matt.
Matsuda: Aw damn! We've been Rickrolled!
- Chapter 1: Mello tries to prank Near by slipping hair dye in his shampoo. It backfired when Matt wound up using said shampoo, and came out of the shower with bright red hair!
- And he liked the look! Mello's reaction consisted of a priceless expression coupled with My God, What Have I Done??
- Chapter 2:Matt: So, I'm just curious…why the mafia?
Mello: Isn't it obvious? It'll be the best advantage, since I can't work with an organization that operates with Near, and without being restricted by the law, I'll have the upper hand.
Matt: And, of course there's always a great excuse to dress in tight black leather.
Mello: What the hell are you implying?
- Anything concerning the Kira-troll. Even better when it turns out Matt had been the troll all along!
- Two words: Matt's. Driving.
- Matt and Linda's dialogue when they're about to meet L for the first time:Matt: Relax, it's not a job interview…uh, well, it kind of is, but honestly, you'll be fine.
Linda: You mean it?
Matt: No Linda. You will fail. It will be tragic and L will personally throw you out the window.
- Chapter 11: L and Matt's Snark-to-Snark Combat.
- In Hermit, after Frieza is killed on Namek King Cold goes to Zuno and asks him to tell him everything he knows about his son's killer... And due the specific words of the question, Zuno is magically compelled to tell him the whole history of Goku's life.For a brief moment, King Cold wondered if keeping these fools alive was even worth it. He sighed. The information this man contained within his mind was far too valuable at the moment. He would simply have to make do. Zuno continued.
"Believing him to be motivated by lecherous tendencies, the young girl lifted up her skirt in order to show the young boy her undergarments."
King Cold groaned loudly, placing his right palm over his eyes.
This was going to take a while. And it was not going to be pleasant.
Kenichi: History's Mightiest Disciple
- Moments from the Peggy Sue fic History Strongest Disciple Again:
- What is one of the first things Kenichi does once he meets fellow time traveler Nijima again? He punches him-out of reflex.
- Pretty much everything of the dinner where Kenichi and Honoka invite their best friends over:
- Upon finding out that Kenichi has invited Miu (the third time traveler), the Elder gives him severe rules, and concludes with:"Rule 4: I am the way, and I know when you aren't following my rules. Break any of them, and you'll find some bones surely broken too."
- Honoka tells Kenichi and Miu that her friend will bring with her her older brother, and that they had been adopted but now live alone due the death of their stepfather but are nonetheless rich. They tell themselves that it can't be the Tanimoto siblings... And their reaction when it turns out they are is priceless.
- Kenichi's father ditching a work meeting because he heard Honoka brought home a boy and wanted to threaten him with one of his shotguns. Tanimoto, who thought it was about his company, is completely floored by it... And the mother putting him in his place.
- Kenichi's father suddenly giving him and Tanimoto The Talk, and their vain attempts at avoiding it.
- Kaede Tanimoto wants to track down Sogetsu Ma... Because she's convinced he ran out on their mahjong match, that he was losing. And as her brother's musings later reveal, it would have been the 100th time in a row.
- During the talk Tanimoto had vowed to kill Kenichi for accidentally pulling him into it, but after the dinner he was changing his mind... Then Kaede muses that she wants Kenichi's mother to be their mother too and it could happen if she married Kenichi (or her brother married Honoka), and he decides to murder Kenichi at the earliest opportunity.
- Upon finding out that Kenichi has invited Miu (the third time traveler), the Elder gives him severe rules, and concludes with:
- Shigure convincing herself she and Sakaki had a date and Akisame's reaction.
- When Kenichi, Miu and Nijima announce they'll go at Koryo High in spite of their high grades, their teachers, worried for the poor reputation of their chosen school, try to convince them otherwise, and when that fails they go to talk with their parents. Kenichi's father just says he supports Kenichi, but with the other two, Hilarity Ensues:
- When Kenichi is brought to Ryozanpaku to reveal the masters he's a time traveler, Kensei, Akisame and Sakaki demand proof he knows their habits:
- Kenichi convinces Kensei by handing him his favorite dirty magazine.
- While not decisive, the first proof he brings to Akisame is his glorious hatred of green pepper.
- With Sakaki, he declares that his fiancee is Jennifer Gray. Cue denial... And Shigure asking if Sakaki was having an affair with her when they had a date, angering Akisame. That Sakaki tries to pacify by saying he's not interested in Shigure... Prompting a demand of why and if he thinks Shigure is not good enough.
- At one point a trio of thugs plan to attack Miu during a date in revenge for having been beaten up by her, and want to sell her into slavery. Just one problem: her grandfather heard them. You can guess how it ends.
- In the original timeline, Ukita never found out Shiratori is actually a girl. Here he finds out... Because when he quits Kisara's subgroup of Ragnarok he ends up fighting her, and in the process accidentally gropes her, and squeezes more than once to try and understand what those fat bumps are. He's promptly kicked in the head by Shiratori, Kisara and Miu.
- And of course, Takeda and the male members of Kisara's gang are shocked at the reveal.
- It later comes out that the triple kick made Ukita forget.
- In the original timeline, Nijima had to trick Kenichi, Takeda and Ukita to help him with Loki's ambush. In this one he does the same thing with Ukita, uses other means to have there Kenichi and Takeda... But his main counter to the ambush is James Shiba, the world's greatest boxer. Curb-Stomp Battle doesn't even start to describe how one-sided it was...
- To deal with Kenichi, Loki had the idea of kidnapping Honoka... And succeeded on the fourth attempt. What had happened on the first three times left him and his Shadows traumatized:
- #1: one of the Shadows tries to nab her in the presence of her father. Who opens fire... Because he thinks he's trying to flirt with her.
- #2: three Shadows try and kidnap Honoka while she's with her mother... Who's quite good with the skillets, and has more than she should possibly have. And then her father arrived with two guns.
- #3: this time Loki went out in person with all his Shadows, made sure she was alone, so they attacked outside any store for fear the owner had a machine gun... And tried to jump her right after she had met with Apachai." Is it too late to get the crazy gun guy again?" Shadow 20 whimpered.
Hours later, Loki's forces were making their way back to base empty-handed. Though not physically injured too much, Apachai had decided to show off to Honoka how he could juggle eight people with his legs.
The trauma and damage to his team's cohesion were devastating.
Especially after he had to forfeit his team's match in the annual Ragnarok Soccer fundraiser due to his team's unanimous fear of dribbling.
- When Freya and her Valkyries show up to punish Kisara's presumed betrayal of Ragnarok, Miu immediately asks one thing: why exactly do Freya's group and Kisara share the same codename? It's enough to get Freya to blush-and admit she has no idea.
- Turns out, Freya is terrified by mice-and Kenichi just happened to have Tochumaru with him.
- Of course, one of the Valkyries decides to deal with the mouse and squash him with her nunchaku. Cue the shocking discovery Tochumaru is better with that weapon.
- And after Shigure has arrived and driven away Freya and the Valkyries, Nijima shows up to recruit Freya... And has Siegfried with him. A dozen kittens out of nowhere later, Kisara has been recruited.
- Turns out, Nijima has access to his cousin Hiruma's blackmail folder.
- How does Sho Kano's react to finding out Miu is dating Kenichi? He asks them to break up. And when that fail, he tries to kill Kenichi... For completely unrelated reasons.
- How did Nijima take control of the Zanshin Taisha-ryuu, a dojo affiliated with Yami? Easy: they had the bright idea of attacking Ryozanpaku and ended up racking up a huge debt between the challenge fees and the medical expenses, and when Yami refused to pay for their stupidity Nijima bought it.
- Sho Kano interacting with the rest of Yomi. That's all.
- As in the original timeline, during the DofD tournament Rachel decides to invent a feud with Kenichi to get more attention. Just one problem: knowing what was coming, Kenichi escaped right before she could start.
- Garyu X's antics manage to be even funnier than in the original timeline simply due having almost all of Yomi as witnesses and his victims being not Kenichi and Miu but the Shinpaku Alliance fighters.
- "What the hell is this?" hissed Sho, "What the hell is Ryozanpaku comprised of, maniacs?"
"It does seem to be rather... extreme," admitted Tirawit.
"Who cares, now this is entertainment!" shouted Rachel in glee, who was for once not angry at the show being stolen. The disciples all had to admit, though, seeing the Invincible Superman in action was certainly worth watching.
- At the summer camp there's a swim race between the boys. Near the end it appears that it'll be either Kenichi or Sho to win... Then, literally at the last moment, Nijima surpasses them both. He had decided to imagine Kokin was chasing him...
- When Kei Retsumin, the Human Calamity, shows up, Kaku shouts in fear about his reputation of having killed more people than any plague... In front of Natsu, Sho, and Tirawit. They promptly point out it's at least hard to believe that he killed more people than the Black Plague and guess that he may have forced people to call him that to start his reputation, before Sho remembers that Hongo told him about Kei and called him "inefficient, brutish, and devoid of any style!""I was planning to deal with you with one arm," started Kei slowly as he put the birdcage on top of his head, "But now, I'm going to kill all of you with both arms! Then I'll kill your pathetic masters!"
- Renka, Sho, Natsu, Tirawit, and the Three-Headed Dragon seeing Apachai inflicting "The Punch You Don't Let Good Children See" on Kei."I will... have to revise my assessment of Khru Agaard's opinion of Apachai Hopachai," noted Tirawit. In regards to Apachai, Tirawit had always believed that Agaard had been exaggerating when he said that Apachai didn't know how to hold back, considering Apacahi was a Katsujinken fighter. Now, he was believing that Agaard had understated that part.
- In Art Pamphlet, this exchange occurs when Tsuruko starts showing interest in Keitaro.Kitsune: What makes you think you can just sweep Keitaro off his feet?
Tsuruko: This. [promptly sweeps Keitaro off his feet and carries him out of the room]
My Hero Academia
- In Unexpected the rules of the U.A. entrance exam allow a candidate to bring anything as long as it fits the gate of the practical test area... So Izuku shows up with a tank. Built by Hatsume Mei.
- In Izuku's Catsuki, Izuku has a Quirk: to turn anyone he touches into a cat, lasting one day per year they've lived. He's pretty much invincible with it.
- ''Questions and Answers: When Izuku first arrives to class, Bakugou goes off on how he told Izuku not to become a hero, which causes Izuku to start searching around the room.Bakugou: Oi! Deku! What the fuck are you looking for, stalker?!
Izuku: Oh, don't worry about me, Bakugou. I was just searching for where the fuck I asked for your opinion on the matter.
- Chapter 9 of "A Study in Firsts" has the whole gang get hit by what's basically an impulsive truth-telling Quirk, and they use this for Truth or Dare (and pretty soon just "Truth"). Uraraka asks Momo what she has made with her Quirk that she regrets the most.Instantly Momo flinched back, her face blanched. Her hands came close to clutch each other close to her chest. She whispered, unable to stop, a pasta noodle that I ate. A pause, then Momo wailed in dismay. You dont understand! It just kept coming, and I kept eating it. I dont know where the noodle ended and where I began- where does the noodle end?
- This excerpt from Ask Me No Questions. (Yes, team 7 is Sasuke/Naruto/Hinata, and YES they fought a Shoggoth. (They're now in an alternate world now.)The description of the shoggoth was particularly vivid, as well as their various experiences inside the beast. Sasuke used a minor genjutsu, with permission from the adults who knew it was harmless, to give a brief recap of it chasing them out of the swamp, which he still remembered in vivid clarity.
"Oh, my. I'm certainly glad we don't have those in our world," Sarutobi said grimly.
"Really?!" Naruto asked.
"No. I've fought some amazing things, including the Kyubi, but I've never seen or heard of anything like that," Kakashi confirmed, feeling a little proud of 'his' students.
They paused to consider that amazing revelation that even some of the fundamental stuff of their world was not the same in the new one.
Then, very seriously, Sasuke walked over and gave Kakashi a hug.
Kakashi was, needless to say, somewhat freaked out by this.
"Best. Alternate." Hinata began.
"World. EVER!" Naruto cheered. "Woohoo! No shoggoths! Goodbye nightmares, hello sweet dreams! Forget trying to fix things," he said, turning to the Hokage. "Can we stay? Please?"
- Chapter 11 of Danzos Team channels Forrest Gump in a moment between Naruto and Ibiki.Ibiki: Alright Bugs! That's more than enough excitement. The next time one of you insects steps, looks or twitches in a way I don't like I will personally ruin you. I am the head of this chuunin selection exam's first test, but you don't need to know that. All you need to know from now on is that I am the man other gods call God. So when I say move you damn well should already be where I want you. Am I clear!
Naruto: Crystal clear, Sir!
* Ibiki appears directly in front of Naruto*Ibiki: What did you say genin Uzumaki?
Naruto: I said crystal clear, Sir!
Ibiki: That's right! You must be some kind of god damn genius! Genin Uzumaki! You are the only bug in the room that managed to get my question right.
- Naruto ducks out of genjutsu training in The Great Sage, saying he "doesn't do subtle." Sakura tosses some confetti on him and hands him a paper medal saying "Understatement of the Year."
- In Hell And Back Naruto has spent over 50 years in Hell (though only 3 for everyone else) and when he finally uses a real bathroom, he falls to his knees in joy. Tsume even asks if she should give him and the latrine some time alone.
- While building levees in Naruto Myoushuuno Fuuin, Naruto comes up with the idea to use seals to turn the annual flood into a lake and tells Kakashi to figure out how big a lake they'll need while Naruto designs the seal. After Sakura repeatedly corrects his math, Kakashi throws her the scroll and turns to Sasuke.Kakashi: So, you come up with a way to make me feel inadequate and completely superfluous today, too?
Sasuke: Well, I could show you my two sharingan eyes if you really want.
* Kakashi shoves him into a pile of sand bags.*
- Nothing but Trouble is pretty much nothing but this but one line really stands out.Tsunade: Did your (female) genin just motorboat me?
- In Reaching for a Dream after Naruto and Xanna make love for the first time, rather than the usual fanon about how great it was for both of them, Xanna tells Naruto he sucks and tells him to spend some time in brothels until he gets better.
- In Super Naruto Naruto tries to unravel the mystery that is Fanon!Haku:During training, he meets a cute girl who proves not to be a girl at all, but a guy who Naruto suspects to be a girl after all. By the time he gets to wondering why a girl would pretend to be a guy pretending to be a girl and whether he — or she — was really a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl, the girl — who actually might be pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl — had already left. He had a headache by the time hermaphroditism entered his theories about the girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl, or boy pretending to be a girl. Then he knocked himself out.
- In A Twist of Chance, Naruto shows up earlier than normal to a team meeting. In between his arrival and Sasuke's, Kakashi walks past at least five separate times without Sakura noticing once, doing things like walking a dog, buying groceries, and escorting children. Naruto then realizes that Kakashi always shows up on time but keeps leaving until Sakura notices him, and since she keeps insisting he doesn't show up for at least three hours, Naruto and Sasuke show up later, causing Kakashi to show up even later. By sunset (the meeting was set for noon), everyone's been there for hours but due to Naruto's new outfit and the fact he's quietly reading, the others still haven't noticed him yet. When Sakura finally realizing the coughing civilian is Naruto, she demands to know where he's been. Naruto rattles off a list of excuses that exactly match what Kakashi was doing earlier.
- Vengeance: The Musical! Starring Sasuke Uchiha. Pretty much all of it, but special mention has to go to:
- The "Flaming Motorcycle to Impress Chicks" technique.
- Itachi threatening to beat Kisame with an umbrella for 72 hours.
- Orochimaru and Haku discussing their respective shampoo brands.
- Some from One Eye Full Of Wisdom:
- In the Wave Arc, Naruto's epic trolling of Zabuza using Shadow Clones disguised as both Kakashi and Tazuna.
- At the end of the arc, Zabuza has to ask where did Kakashi hid Tazuna. He was at Ichiraku: Kakashi sent him back after the attack of the Demon Brothers and had one of Naruto's Shadow Clones impersonate him the whole time.
- In the second Omake chapter, everyone at the local bar knows that Kakashi wears a second mask under his first. But in a piece-of-clothing exchange betting game with Anko (It Makes Sense in Context), she gets him to remove that one as well, she and every other shinobi in the bar leaning in close as it's pulled down to reveal… a third mask. Kakashi considers the results — being chucked through the window by Anko, chased through town by drunk and angry bet-losers (civilian and ninja), and having to pay the repair bill for the bar after the crowd trashed the place — to be totally Worth It.
- In chapters 46 and 47, Hidan versus Zidan, a Jashin follower with his identical power set.
- In the Wave Arc, Naruto's epic trolling of Zabuza using Shadow Clones disguised as both Kakashi and Tazuna.
- In Never Use Shadow Clones to do Your Paperwork, Naruto tries to latch onto a loophole to avoid having to marry four strangers.Naruto: You said the marriage would only be valid when I became a chunin and I'm still a genin.
Tsunade: That reminds me. [tosses Naruto a flak jacket] Nice job on the promotion brat.
- In Songs gone Unsung, the spin-off to Of The River And The Sea, Gaara decides to bond with his siblings. So he wait for training and uses his powers over the sand to give Kankuro a wedgie. Their instructor had to attend a psych eval following that to be reassured it was not some hallucination.
- Then you have Naruto belching in front of one of the Seven Swordsmen and the Lady of Otogakure. You can taste Kakashi's dismay. And right before that, Shikamaru knows Naruto is about to do something, with his thought process being "please, he can't be THAT stupid… he is".
- Zabuza's reaction? Giving it a six for effort.
- Then you have Naruto belching in front of one of the Seven Swordsmen and the Lady of Otogakure. You can taste Kakashi's dismay. And right before that, Shikamaru knows Naruto is about to do something, with his thought process being "please, he can't be THAT stupid… he is".
Neon Genesis Evangelion
- This fanfic, essentially a Bum Review of End of Evangelion is absolutely hilarious. Chester does his best to review the movie, even trying to explain it:"And then… well… so now… you see… this thing… oh, how can I explain this? Give me a moment."
"So um," The Bum was writing on his notepad, wearing glasses and trying to figure out what happened next in the movie. "there're more strange dialogs, monologs, ass-ologs. More random flashbacks and cut-scenes… a floating head of a panda… an upside-down chicken mask… a heavily-armed clown…Michael Jackson…"
The Bum was drawing alien symbols and calculating mathematical equations on a chalk board, still clueless about the rest of the movie. "So there are these Rei clones appearing spontaneously…um, whoever they touch turns into carrot juice…then there are some people walking into a theatre… and oh yeah, Michael Jackson."
- And then, at the end, he finally snaps…"So let's review this… there's an Eva pilot who has a fetish on exposed hospital patients, an officer who likes to have sex with young boys and a Lieutenant who's secretly a lesbian working in a special agency."
"WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOTIC SCREWBALL WROTE THIS SCRIPT? I bet the entire animation staff were high on drugs during the entire production! Even I could have made a better movie than them!"
- And then, at the end, he finally snaps…
- Chapter 1 of Zentrodie's Neon Genesis Evangelion Body-Swap/Gender Bender comedy fic It Can't Get Worse is one CMOF after anonther. Standout moment is Asuka-in-Shinji's body waking up to her/his first morning erection:For roughly ten seconds Asuka's sleep deprived and overly stressed mind continued to fantasize about his guardian. His hand under no actual central control found a happy little friend that was standing by the curbside that morning. "Oh hello there Little Asuka how are you today?" the hand asked. Little Asuka's reply way "I'm a little lonely how about you and I dance for awhile?" To which the hand joyously said, "I thought you'd never ask, lets dance to Misato's fucking hot?" Little Asuka let Mr. Hand lead with a parting, "I think I can get to like that song."
- In Deus ex Evangelion, Shinji got swallowed by the Eva during his first battle, and Asuka needs to be flown in to be his replacement. Later on, Toji's revealed as the Fourth Child about ten episodes early. After the Gaghiel fight, he asks Asuka out on a date. Right in front of the "Eva". Cue a silent If You Ever Do Anything to Hurt Her... moment between the two.
- Absolutely everything in the Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction Shinji Just Snaps and Totally Wails on Everything, with is Exactly What It Says on the Tin. Highlights include but are definitely not limited to Gendo's Laz-E-Bastard, an EVA-sized Groin Attack, the tragic fate of Sergeant Trumpy, Asuka's epically failed attempt at using fanservice as a weapon, and Rei's non-verbal Precision F-Strike.
- In Supernova One Piece, Luffy tries to use Geppou to fly ahead to an island after two days without food only for Nami to latch on and suplex him into the ship's deck.
- In Tell it to the Marines, Ace realizes Riskua — his kinda-crush and sworn sister — is Shanks' daughter when he meets her dad. Cue awkwardness while he desesperately tries to not think sexy thoughts about her in order to avoid death by Overprotective Dad.
- In Twelve Red Lines, after learning Luffy is Dragon's son, Sabo's brother and Garp's grandson, a freaked Usopp asks if Luffy's other brother is the Pirate King's son.Jones: No, I haven't told him anything about Ace.
- Also, quantum mechs are the reason why Zoro has No Sense of Direction.
Ranma 1/ 2
- The entire Anything Goes Martial Arts Baseball Game from Girl days.As the Black Rose fumed at this most preposterous of humiliations, a heated argument began between the two team captains. Ranma's captain insisted that the ball had been caught on a pop-fly,so Shampoo was out. Shampoo's captain insisted that Kodachi wasn't on the team, wasn't in the game, and wasn't even in the school, so the ball was live. The umpire was beating her head against a tree and saying something about moving to Australia.
- Examples from A Tale of Two Wallets
- When Shampoo shows up and makes Akane unable to remember Ranma, Nabiki decides to get rid of her... By getting her with Kuno through a Marriage Challenge. Shampoo revealing that, as a Village Champion, she's entitled to two husbands is the less that happens. Especially after Kasumi gets involved to try and have everyone get along.
- In this story's version of the Golden Pair arc, the pet targeted by Azusa isn't Ryoga's cursed form... But Shampoo's. And nobody knows that, they just think it's Shampoo's very intelligent pet cat that she mailed Ranma from China.
- In Heated Storm Yields a Wild Horse's Heart Ranma gets engaged to Nabiki. Thus the moment that Kodachi, the first rival for his heart shows up, Nabiki tries to mock Kodachi by offering to rent him for 300,000 yen... Not realizing yet that Kodachi is Kuno's sister, and thus can pay it with ease.
- After Shampoo shows up and gets engaged to Ranma, Nabiki decides to explain her the whole situation with Ranma's curses. After a moment of surprise, Shampoo decides Nabiki deserves a reward for keeping her from killing the man she was supposed to marry... So she elects Nabiki as her sister-wife. By giving her the same passionate kiss she gave Ranma.
- In Queen Rat, Nodoka finds out that a slap makes doctor Tofu come out of his Kasumi-induced silliness and tells Kasumi this fact, only to be told taht Kasumi has never slapped anyone. The solution? She suggests that Kasumi practice on Genma.
- In A Matter of Trust, the incident from Soul and Maka's double-date with Tsubaki and Black Star, involving "a horny Black Star, a willing to please Tsubaki, and a popcorn box with a hole cut in the bottom. Toss in the group of nuns sitting behind them…"Maka: At least we weren't banned from that theater along with them. I thought the manager was really very understanding when we explained that we had no idea who the two perverts were.
Soul: Hm. Surruptitious Ninja Handjob my ass. Points to Tsubaki for trying to pass the mess off as butter though.
- Near the beginning of the fic, Maka realizes she's attracted to Soul and we get this line:Maka had blushed, feeling foolish because this was Soul, the guy who ate raw fish and left his dirty socks on the coffee table and was his ass always that illegally delicious?
- Near the beginning of the fic, Maka realizes she's attracted to Soul and we get this line:
- In SoMa Family Drabbles, Soul tells Kid that he'll need to take some time off because Maka is pregnant. Kid's response? Snark at him.Soul: Maka's pregnant. She's already a couple weeks along. I missed the beginning of this, I'm not missing any more of it.
Kid: Well, I assume you were there for the beginning of the whole thing.
Soul: Fuck you.
Kid: I don't want to risk impregnation, thanks.
Soul: What? Wait, how do you… Never mind, I don't want to know.
- From A Very Soul Eater Christmas, Soul attempted to decorate the Christmas tree the year before and somehow ended up setting it on fire. Even he's not sure how it happened.
- Kid, Liz, and Patty's attempts to decorate their manor for a Christmas party, made very difficult by Kid's Super OCD.
- Tsubaki finishes baking for the party and comes into the living room to find Black Star sitting on top of the Christmas tree:Tsubaki: [Face Palm] Why are you up there, Black Star?
Black Star: Come on, Tsubaki, you know we have to have the biggest star on top of our tree!
- The oneshot It's Elementary, in which Spirit tries his very best to preserve his daughter's virginity and Hilarity Ensues.
- As a very unsubtle warning, he puts a picture of a severed penis in Soul's locker.Black Star: Look at this! Look who signed it! Soul found it in his locker. It's hysterical!
Tsubaki: Spirit drew this? Oh, my god, it's all bloody! He even drew sound-effect screams! Goodness!
- When Spirit recruits Stein to help him "cock block [his] daughter."Spirit: Anyway, so she mentioned that she and her ugly little horndog weapon had a plane to catch for a mission in Canada. Tonight. They left about ten minutes ago, actually. So we're going on a little panty raid.
Stein: Every single syllable you just said both terrifies and disturbs me. No. No, no, no.
Spirit: I need you! This is difficult for me! I need moral support! I thought we were friends!
[One Gilligan Cut later, they're both at Maka and Soul's apartment]
Stein: I hate you.
- Then there's what Spirit insists they both wear on their "mission": ski masks and matching T-shirts that have "Virginity Police" on them in glittery, bright pink lettering.Stein: [holding his shirt at arm's length] Tell me you didn't have these made.
Spirit: Nah, I had them laying around.
- Stein going full-Deadpan Snarker and giving Spirit a hard time.Spirit: You take the bastard's room, I'll take my darling marshmallow flufflet's room.
Stein: Right. What exactly am I looking for? A calendar with one day marked 'Fuck Albarn's daughter into the mattress?' An economy-sized box of Magnum condoms? Gallons of K-Y?
Spirit: [squeals, trips, and hits his head on the wall]
Stein: You and Blair are fucking so enthusiastically I think the Pope has occasional heart palpitations out of sheer principle.
Spirit: [holding Soul's shirt on a pair of tongs] Evidence, right?
Stein: Indubitably, my dear Albarn. You know there's a lot more where that came from in the scythe's room. It's a cross between Vegas at New Year's and Hugh Hefner's bachelor party in there. Really, I'm rather impressed. You should see the sex swing, it's amazing the ceiling of an apartment this old can support it -
Spirit: You keep this up I'll take back your Virginity Police shirt.
Stein: I can only hope.
- As a very unsubtle warning, he puts a picture of a severed penis in Soul's locker.
- By the same author of the above fic, there's They Shook Death City, in which Maka and another meister (who turns out to be equally bad driver Black Star) get into a fight over their conflicting driving habits, with disastrous consequences.Upon being enlightened as to the full extent of the damage his two top meisters actually caused — including but not limited to three smashed cars, four toppled trees, one stop sign used as a giant frisbee of doom, a severely traumatized poodle that was briefly sent into orbit, the total loss of one 7-11 convenience store and the neighboring pizza place, the creation of a new lake, and the burned, gutted remnants of an Escalade mysteriously impaled atop a telephone pole — Lord Death roundly refused to pay any bail. In fact, he assigned them both trash pickup on the side of the freeway for the next year.