April 29, 2006: The 2006 White House Correspondent's Dinner - where Stephen delivered scathing commentary feet away from his biggest targets. The hosts didn't think it was funny, but everyone else, well...
Stephen: Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality'. And reality has a well-known liberal bias. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's two-thirds empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
Cookie Monster: Me had crazy times in the 70s and 80s, okay? Me like the Robert Downey Jr. of cookies!!
July 16, 2008: The entire episode of The Colbert Report with Rush thanks to Jimmy's constant meddling causing the Colbert Anthem to be replaced by "Limelight" and Stephen's teleprompter to be rewritten to the lyrics of "By-Tor and the Snow Dog."
October 27, 2008: During "The Word: It's Alive!", Stephen humorously berates the neocons trying to distance themselves from Sarah Palin.
June 10, 2009: The segment where Colbert and Hollywood nice guy Tom Hanks prepare a care package for the troops is pure gold. Let's just say, Hilarity Ensues. It's all topped off with Tom Hanks sucker punching Colbert into a crate and sending him to Iraq.
June 18, 2009: "Murder in the White House" coverage — of President Obama managing to kill a fly during a televised interview — continues, and Jeff Goldblum joins Stephen to speak up on behalf of flies everywhere. This continues into the next episode as the guest in question turns up to defend nasal spray Zicam after a recall, even though they have no personal stake in that matter, and Stephen finally has to ask them to leave and stop giving stirring speeches.
September 30, 2009: Stephen Colbert may have failed to rename Node 3 after himself, but he got a pretty sweet consolation prize. Ladies and gentlemen, NASA proudly presents the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill. It's a Moment Of Fun with Acronyms. At this point, the patch◊ is just gravy. This also counts as a CMOA.
Even better during the show itself where Colbert showed a clip of a CNN anchor breaking off the news asking if this was serious.
Al Gore on Worthy Opponent, especially making Colbert go through on a really stupid claim by dunking his head.
Colbert's segment on the wikiscanner, when he revealed that a person from the New York Times wrote on the George W. Bush page of Wikipedia the phrase "jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk."
January 11, 2010: Stephen coming to the defense of Old Man Potter from It's a Wonderful Life, claiming he was a hero and that George Bailey was a violent monster. He then claims that Old Man Potter's grandson, Harry, would go on to defeat Lord Voldemort.
Pretty much the beginning of any Sport Report segment, where Colbert plays air guitar (complete with vocal sound effects) for at least ten seconds after the intro sequence, getting increasingly ridiculous every time. Best, and most recent, example is this.
Stephen: If a diamond is a girl's best friend, then coal is its hotter, younger sister. In the early days of coal mining, it was dirty, dangerous work as seen in this sad footage. (Cue clip fromDig Dug.) Stephen: We lost a lot of good men to inflatable dragons. Thankfully, modern science has found a much safer way to get our coal: BLOWING THE TOPS OFF MOUNTAINS! AWESOME! OH DADDY!
That same episode, returning to the Even Steven segment with Steve Carell.
Steve: What's the matter, Jon Stewart's teat doesn't come with an extension cord? Stephen: Ooh, ten chairs! You could seat everyone who saw Dan in Real Life!
July 27, 2010: Stephen Colbert... vs. Kevin freaking Kline on who can out-pronunciate each other. Followed by who can act out famous Shakespeare characters the best using only facial expressions and grunts.
In that same episode, Colbert finds out that plants can apparently think and remember. He proceeds to yell at his plant Phil and shove it in the garbage, screaming: "Oh yeah! Try to make chlorophyll in there, motherfucker!"
July 28, 2010: This installment of the long running series "Stephen Colbert's 2010 Midterm Republican Gubernatorial Primary Battle Watch '010", featuring the first appearance of Basil Marceaux.com. The whole thing is utterly insane, and ends with Colbert breaking down when he discusses Basil Marceaux.com's role as an agent of the Freedman's Bureau. Also, this part:
Stephen: I believe Islam is the one great and true cult, praise be to Allah and the Nike's he wears, all glory and honour to the comet that hides his spaceship!
When talking about how a magazine cover digitally removed a woman standing next to President Obama for the photograph, Stephen Colbert says, "Everyone, I am a big fan of Photoshop. And so is my friend Abe Lincoln." A picture then appears of him with his arm around a portrait of Abe. The joke continues on as he removes the oil slick from the Gulf, replaces that with clean tropical water, puts the picture into the size requirements for a magazine cover, and then puts on text: "Stephen Colbert solves oil disaster!" Once he was done, he looked at the camera and said, "Nobel Prize, please! Wait..." After a few clicks on the computer, a picture of him holding the Nobel Prize appears in the top left corner. The huge smile on his face as he points to the picture just makes it better.
Stephen Colbert was unimpressed with how Barack Obama announced the soldiers were coming back to America. His version of how it should have been done is the most Crazy Awesome thing he could have ever described.
Everything Stephen did in relation to the 2010 Olympics, including:
Helping the US speed skating team raise money after their main source of income went bust and "racing" against Shani Davis to show there was no hard feelings after Shani apparently took Canada's side in the "Icehole" insult battle.
Technically, since it was for NBC not the Report, but Colbert's appearance during the Vancouver Olympics (which includes riding a stuffed moose and climbing into the studio's fake fireplace while exclaiming how awesome NBC is for its "realism") had the host and the film crew dying of laughter.
And of course Colbert's Vancouver Olympics shows, where he used a blue screen "window" to relocate the studio from a mountain top to a blimp to NBC studios, and used his own fake fireplace to do satellite interviews.
August 5, 2010: Stephen tells us how to ruin gay marriage. Apparently, it involves getting into a long-term relationship with a gay Jewish man named Jonathan, getting engaged to him and then jilting him at the altar. He breaks down in tears partway through telling the story.
While it seems to fit - especially given that it's a Jewish ceremony - Stephen mentions that "Jonathan's" mother is named Janet. Jon Stewart's mother's name, according to That Other Wiki, is Marian. Of course, Stephen has also said on the show that his wife is named Lorraine- when in fact it's Evelyn. Maybe he's following the old RPF rule of not involving the families of celebrities that aren't celebrities themselves?
Whenever that odd-sounding note sounds, it's accompanied by Colbert wiggling his eyebrows up and down, independent of one another. This is done for the duration of the note. But one time the note was mistimed, and ended up with the note being cut off and Colbert Corpsing.
The Colbert Report's segment for their Emmy nomination for writing:
September 29, 2010: Koalas are being infected with chlamydia at a rapid rate. Threat #2 on the ThreatDown: Whoever's F@%$&*% Our Koalas! (2:00) (Colbert starts laughing so hard he breaks character.)
Earlier in the segment:
Stephen: Nation, I love the Guinness Book of World Records. It is by far the best alcohol-sponsored reference book. Sorry, Captain Morgan's Rhyming Dictionary. It's a thousand pages of words that rhyme with "arr", like carr, and starr, and Tennessee Senatarr Lamarr Alexandarr.
Stephen: Rawesome member James Stewart explains the complex etymology of the co-op's name. James Stewart: The word "awesome" with an "R" in front of it. Stephen:[voice-over] But everything isn't so rawesome: on the morning of June 30, armed government agents swarmed into this private business, and carried out a blitzkrieg raid. [Images of Rawesome employees are shown] These terrified Rawesome members will never forget where they were when the s**t went down. Arnel Kalindes: I was, uh, in Minnesota. Stephen: OK that doesn't help. Anybody else wanna tell us what happened?
Later, one employee mentions the types of raw milk offered, including camel milk.
Stephen: I will pay for everyone here tonight to travel to Washington, D.C. on a bus from Chinatown. That's right, the Shin Wu Bus Line - departing somewhere in the bowels of Chinatown and dropping you off at an undetermined location in the D.C. metro area. [shows map of Washington D.C. with a question mark over it] On Shin Wu, you'll learn the latest Mandarin curse words from your driver. And Shin Wu boasts the latest in comfort technology, like seats. And often has windows. Remember, on Shin Wu, your chicken rides for free. A quick disclaimer: Shin Wu takes no responsibility for engine failure, lack of toilet, or chicken bites. And just to be clear, I am not putting you up in a hotel, paying for your meals, or bringing you back to New York.
Stephen figuring out that there are more germs on the average keyboard than the average toilet seat.
Stephen: I've only got 1 question... who's rubbing their asses on our keyboards? They can at least leave a nice little note saying "I rubbed my ass here".
February 2, 2011: Stephen trying his best to get a cat named Christiane Aman-purr to psychicly predict the outcome of the crisis in Egypt, by having it choose between two different food bowls marked "Democratic Uprising" and "Islamic Power Grab".
March 9, 2011: Colbert mentions going on a religion bender (i.e. Catholicism) while trying to give up religion on Lent. He almost makes it, but in the closing days he going and getting drunk on religion the way people go out and get shitfaced. He even remembers saying a "Hail Mary" and an "Our Father" at the same time—"that's right, the Catholic speedball."
Vacsa-not-masturbating. "It is a set of realistic prosthetic arms, that make it look like you're just going about your business, so that no one will know that you're going about your business." Cue Colbert hiding his mouth behind the suit's jacket to conceal just how hard he's laughing. Furthermore, showing that Vacsa-Not Masturbating can be used to free you up to handle the issue of restless leg syndrome at a romantic dinner, driving to work, even during a high profile TV interview, with the last photo showing Colbert.
April 12, 2011: Stephen Colbert's Twitter campaign on Jon Kyl using the hashtag: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Some examples:
Stephen: Once a year, Jon Kyl retreats to the Arizona Desert and deposits 2 million egg sacs under the sand. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Stephen: On weekends, Jon Kyl shoots manatees with paintball guns. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Stephen: Citing religious reasons, Jon Kyl refuses to utter the number 8. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement.
Colbert: Folks, there is electricity in the air, (reaches under his desk) and if you resist arrest, in your central nervous system! (brandishes tazer, to no avail) It's fucking broken...
May 1, 2011: Most if not all of The Colbert Report on Bin Laden was a party on SEAL Team Six assassinating him.
WELCOME TO THE REPORT!WE GOT HIM!!!USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!WOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
The aforementioned celebration.
Because Barack Obama did kill Bin Laden he was going to lay off the insults and sets an egg timer for how long he'll lay off the insults. Then parodies Obama walking out to give the announcement claiming it to be self indulgent.
"Folks, I can not put this any plainer that golly gee willikers, by which I mean suck my giant American balls Al Qaeda."
Stephen: I am as giddy as a schoolgirl who just shot Bin Laden in the eye. In the eye! Hey, Osama, No 3D movies for you in hell.
And as he jogs over to speak to one of his guests he turns to the camera, goes "whooo!" and makes a finger gun motion by his eye.
Stephen: And I hope I am never again this happy over someone's death. And I'm sure, I know if I saw myself in the mirror I would be appalled by the look on my face." (holds up mirror) "Nope I like this. That's a good look. I want to stay like this forever."
After a report on college kids celebrating Stephan Colbert brings up how young they would have been when 9/11 happened, so he brings up a montage on the spate of shark attacks that was the big news before the terrorist attack.
Stephen: See? Just sharks. So with Bin Laden gone we have nothing to worry about so long as no one chums the ocean." (cue report on Bin Laden's burial at sea) "Noooooo!!! You fools!!! Don't you realize the Fukishima plant is leaking massive amounts of radiation into the sea, and if a mutant shark combines with Bin Laden's DNA we could be facing the summer of Fin Laden!!!
Bin Laden's death raises a lot of questions. For example, whether Muammar Gaddafi owns a bullet proof pair of Ray Bans.
Colbert: Folks, and the entire tour is to raise awareness about America's great history. So far she's lived up to her promise by visiting Gettysburg, the Liberty Bell, and the Alexander Hamilton Service Area at Exit 15E of the New Jersey Turnpike. It's where Hamilton famously swore he'd never eat at Roy Rogers again.
June 7, 2011: Colbert reports on Italian officials seizing a shipment of tap shoes headed for North Korea, which has a ban from the UN on "luxury goods" being shipped to Kim Jong Il's government. Colbert runs with the absurdity of the implications, and then brings out a tap dancing troupe composed of six dancers cosplaying as Dear Leader.
And then Colbert joins in.
June 21-23, 2011: Stephen's entire several-part segment with Jack White. The entire time, Jack seemed to be wondering just how the hell he got himself into this.
Stephen: Think The Black Belles are ready for the Colbert Bump? Jack: What's a Colbert Bump? Stephen:You, motherfucker are about to find out!
July 25, 2011: Making fun of the controversial commercials for Summer's Eve feminine wash (which use hands-as-puppets as "stand-ins"). The version target at black women is described as "having an urban feel to it", and Steve finally loses it at the Latina stand-in, which asks to "get rid of that leopard print thong; <that is the tackiest thing I have ever seen in my life—and you know I've seen it!>"
Colbert: This is America; our vaginas speak English! (loses it)
Then there's Stephen's response in the form of a dick creme...
Summer's Eve was parodied again on August 17, 2011 with a fake commercial by Jeff Bridges.
August 3, 2011: Threat #3 on the ThreatDown: Fake States, after the revelation that North Dakota did not swear an oath of allegiance to the U.S. Constitution in its state constitution. After announcing this item:
Colbert: Nation (and I'm not talking to you, North Dakota), there are now over 670,000 foreigners massed on our northern South Dakota border, just waiting to stream into Real America and take the jobs we don't want to do, like living in North Dakota. We should have seen this danger coming, folks - we should have seen it coming after that terrifying documentary. (cue Fargo movie poster) They've got strange native garb, they refuse to speak English... (cue clips of characters in Fargo saying "Yah") Colbert:Yah. And they make a very disturbing sausage. (cue scene of Gaear Grimsrud shoving Carl Showalter's remains into the woodchipper) Colbert: I warned you. Now until North Dakota fixes their constitution, they are not a state, so it is time to update the flag.
He then pulls out his "flag updater" from a box, and denotes North Dakota's status by putting an asterisk next to one star.
Colbert: Of course, Colbert Super PAC is all about building bridges, and that is why I was truly gratified recently to see that, even after the things I've said about Muslims, I received a contribution from Arab-American viewer Suq Madiq. *hides his face behind a stack of papers as he attempts to compose himself Colbert:...I trust I'm pronouncing that correctly. You've made your parents proud! Your father, Liqa Madiq, and your mother, who still goes by her maiden name— *breaks down laughing as "Munchma Quchi" shows up on-screen, before he has the chance to finish saying the name*
"Munchma Quchi" has now become a Running Gag on the show.
September 6, 2011: The "Cheating Death" segment introduces Vaxamalgam, the one-pod-of-pills-fused-together-fits-all cure to insomnia, drowsiness, angina, eczema, dry mouth, damp mouth, constipation, diarrhea, night terrors, day terrors, brunch terrors, sore throat, Deep Throat, lockjaw, slackjaw, Jabber Jaw, nausea, rashes, heart arrhythmia, erectile dysfunction, blood in urine, urine in blood, shingles, cedar shake, aluminum siding, or whatever that yellow one does. Depending on what condition you have, Vaxamalgam will cure it... or cause it. Side effects include asperger helper, Jimmy-crack-corneas, and explosive diorama.
You also should not take it with milk...but that shouldn't be a problem as it's a suppository. (Mind you, it's about the length and width of a tv remote, sooo...)
September 12, 2011: Colbert reports on a seemingly irrelevant story at length before revealing that the New York Times had completely plagiarized it and outright fabricated a new story.
September 13, 2011: Stephen's guest, Al Gore accidentally breaks the fourth wall and mentions Stephen's "character." Stephen's reaction is priceless.
After Stephen ended his 6-month long best friendship with Jimmy Fallon, Anderson Cooper offers his friendship to Stephen, along with a plug for his daytime show, but is rejected with a "Too soon". The exact same thing happens with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night the next night.
In this clip from the June 24th, 1999 shot on The Daily Show about the end of the show "Another World": Stephen's real name isn't actually Colbert, and he's Jon's bastard elevator baby.
November 14, 2011: Stephen Colbert relentlessly mocks the "vodka tamponing", especially when he learns that girls aren't the only ones doing it. Even worse, Stephen has to stop himself from Corpsingright in the middle of his delivery.
Stephen: (closing out the segment) And if you salt the tampons in tequila, don't salt the rim! We'll be right back! (turns away from the camera to laugh his ass off)
December 12, 2011: Horrifying news! Norway has run out of butter! And they will soon be overrun by the butter cartels. When that happens, we will see such things as desperate butter mules swallowing condoms filled with sticks of Land 'O Lakes, then push them on the streets of Oslo to spreadheads tweaking on shortbread. Butter kingpins will be meeting by the docks to move bales of fresh-churned Golden Cow, then test its purity by backing apple turnovers in the back of a truck. In short: things will get ugly and delicious.
The January 11, 2012 episode, where Mitt Romney's winning the New Hampshire primary and Stephen's coming to the realization that he might just have to settle for him is treated like the climax of a Romantic Comedy, complete with a gay best friend who gives advice.
"A couple of times a year, the network sometimes asks me to do an integrated sponsorship, which I love - the money's green and I'm in. These sponsortunities have led to some of our most memorable segments, from the Hail to the Cheese Stephen Colbert's Nacho Cheese Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign coverage, to last week's Syrian Atrocity Update, Brought to You by Fruit Roll-Ups. Fruit Roll-Ups: overthrow your tastebuds."
Then there's the hilariously specific memo that states that Stephen cannot be shown eating more than 16 Wheat-Thins promoting the product on the show. He jams all 16 into his mouth:
Stephen Colbert:[with his mouth full] This feels right. But I still want more. [to the audience] Whaddaya say? Shoud I go for seventeen? [Audience shouts "YEAH!" Colbert reaches below his desk and pulls out a seventeenth Wheat Thin. As he is about to put it in his mouth, the show promptly cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" image for about four seconds. When it cuts back, Colbert's mouth is empty, a lawyer is standing behind him, and Colbert is reading another sheet of paper]
Stephen Colbert: I would like to apologize to Wheat Thins, and the entire Nabisco family of snackable products. I thought that I was building a purposeful experience relevent to the brand but I see now that I was being a crusader and/or a rebel.
Stephen Colbert: Well, I want to echo Stu Varney's sentiments, and remind you it's always brightest before the dusk. And the fragrance of the sweetest blossom carries with it the first whiff of decay. Even the perfect infant you cradle in your arms will one day grow old and die. And your friends won't be there to comfort you, because they'll be dead too. Remember the good times, and more importantly, remember that they are over and can never happen again. Ashes. Nothing but ashes. The happiness you feel today is merely the plateau from which you will soon plummet. And during that freefall, you'll remember that you left the stove on. Barack Obama.
"I have always felt a special kinship with the land down under. After all, if my Irish great-great grandfather Seamus Connolly hadn't jumped off that Sydney-bound convict ship, right now, I'd be doing segments like Tip of the Bush Hat / Wag of the Didgeridoo, and Alpha Dingo of the Week. So I assume that Australians celebrate Easter just like us, except of course below the equator, where Jesus comes out of the tomb counter-clockwise."
In the April 12, 2012 episode, James Cameron's back-sass when Stephen argues with him about the Mariana Islands and the metric system.
Stephen: It's part of America, SIR, it's not nowhere. Cameron: It's in the Federated States of Micronesia, SIR.
April 30, 2012: This interview turned Colbert and Diane Keaton into giggling ten-year-olds who are also drunk. It's truly charming. (Some people speculate that Keaton actually was drunk, which makes it no less funny.)
May 30, 2012: Mitt Romney's camp produces an app that comes with the typo, "For a Better Amercia," the best campaign app since Angry Pauls. Colbert runs with it as a new nation, and Hilarity Ensues as he recites Amercia's national anthem: a version of "America the Beautiful" with nearly every single word misspelled and mispronounced. Then, at the end, a banner drops down saying "Ronmey 2102", and Colbert chants, "S! U! A! S! U! A!"
Colbert: Folks, when a loved one dies, so many questions come to mind: "Why did this happen?", "Did I tell them I loved them enough?", and "Where can I get a low-foam skinny mocha latte?" Fortunately, a funeral home in South Carolina has the answer. [Clip about how said funeral home is adding a Starbucks to their facilities] Colbert: Yes, Robinson Funeral Home is serving Starbucks next to their chapel and crematory. So just be sure that's cinnamon you're sprinkling on your latte, and not Sid Bitterman (cue graphic of urn that says "Sid Bitterman"). Folks, this is a great way to ease the grieving process, because nothing soothes the pain of losing a loved one like your eulogy being drowned out by... [mimics the sound of a frappucino maker for several seconds, then picks up a Starbucks coffee cup from under his desk and holds it in the air] Colbert:[imitating a barista] "Jeff? Half caf no-foam for Jeff? Hey you, the guy crying behind the podium, are you Jeff?" [puts the cup away] Colbert: Plus, a Starbucks in a funeral home will encourage more people to come out to grieve for your loved one. You'll find yourself saying, "Wow! Who knew Uncle Ted was friends with so many aspiring screenwriters and homeless guys who need to armpit-wash in the sink?" [Covers his mouth as he tries to stifle his laughter] Colbert: Sad. Sad occasion. Now a Starbucks in a funeral home is great for mourners, but what about the deceased? Don't they also deserve coffee? [Once again he covers his mouth as he begins corpsing]
Stephen: They've replaced the book of Job with the book of rim-job. (later) Stephen: You don't need a Bible. You're all alone in a hotel room, you have a panic attack in the middle of the night, wondering what all of this means. What you need is a 500 page book about an inexperienced 22-year-old getting worked over good by a sociopathic businessman with a shvantz like a kielbasa. I mean, where else are you gonna find that kind of thing in a hotel room? (image of pay-per-view porn is shown)
August 8, 2012: This Cheating Death segment about pills that have a tiny sensor that can send out reminders to other family members. The pill sends out a message once it is in Grandma's digestive tract (also the plot of the most disturbing Magic School Bus story ever).
Colbert's remedy is Uni-Vacsa, a digital alert system made from cutting edge technology found in an abandoned RadioShack. His description is so funny he's trying not to corpse by the end:
Stephen: Now it couldn't be simpler: you just swallow the tablet (which is a Tablet), then activate Bluetooth to your desktop by performing a hard restart holding down your navel and your left nipple until you taste the red light. And it's all powered by eating a box of baking soda and chugging a bottle of vinegar. The resulting volcano sends a signal to an orbiting satellite, which relays your medical condition to everyone on the Dish Network.
When Neil deGrasse Tyson explains the tides, Colbert first proclaims the moon to be god, claiming that Armstrong must be punish for stepping on it, but then claims that Neil himself is god, due to being an astrophysicist.
August 31, 2012: Following Clint Eastwood's bizarre and memetic conversation with an empty chair representing President Obama, Colbert has the chair brought on the show to be interviewed. The chair begins to deliver an inspirational, and completely silent, speech that Colbert enthusiastically responds to. This is all accompanied by swelling, epic music, mist appearing from the background, and red, white and blue spot-lights shining down on it. It all culminates in Stephen cursing that they didn't nominate the chair to be the Republican presidential candidate instead of Romney.
Stephen reports a story that a presidential candidate increases in popularity the more his Wikipedia page is edited. He first suggests the next president will be season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then runs with the idea and edits the candidate he wants to win.
September 26, 2012: Stephens fear that Obama will restart the Ottoman Empire.
February 13, 2013: Stephen mocking senator Marco Rubio'spainfully awkward rebuttal to Obama's State of the Union address by recreating and playing up Rubio's odd tics and mannerisms. He tops it off by saying that professionals know that they should maintain eye contact to avoid awkwardness. He then proceeds to stare at the camera as he climbs over his desk, crawls over to the bookshelf for a bottle of water, and sneaks back to his desk.
February 20, 2013: Stephen's method of bringing up the horse meat scandal in the UK, and summarizes the blame game with a horse-race style commentary.
March 7, 2013: Stephen, on the eve of a two-week break, is tired about talking about news, so he talks about The Bachelor instead. Near the end of the segment, he shows a clip of a man and two women staring at each other for a minute before the man decides who to give a rose to. He wonders how something like that could attract so many viewers... so he brings out two authors and proceeds to do the same thing to determine who the night's guest is.
April 17, 2013: Stephen and Alan Cumming skewer Brad Paisley and LL Cool J's country/rap duet "Accidental Racist" with their country/rap duet "Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe".
May 8, 2013: Stephen's repeated use of helium to make his voice high and squeaky while calling out the GOP's efforts to spite Obama. The next segment is about parents not using diapers for their babies, and Stephen addresses the subject in Sarcasm Mode pretty much the whole time.
During the conversation, it's revealed that not only has Carey not read the book, she can't read at all.
June 10, 2013: In the "Cold War Update" segment, in response to the low grade of the U.S. missile launch crews, Stephen develops a new video game called Call of Duty: Padded Chair, a "first-person sitter" designed to train the next generation by having the player try to resist pressing the big, beautiful, shiny, red, candy-like button. He presses the button, causing a nuclear explosion, resulting in a "GAME OVER" sign.
Stephen: Oh well, you can play again in 100,000 years.
June 24, 2013: During a report on two members of the Ku Klux Klanbuilding a death ray, Stephen shows an animation of a Klansman shouting "WHITE POWER!" and firing a laser gun.
June 26, 2013: Since the US Supreme Court struck down the Voting Rights Act of 1965, that apparently means racism in America is over, so Stephen celebrates by singing"Old Man River", only to incur the wrath of the "technical difficulties" screen.
July 16, 2013: Stephen tries to disprove a study saying that people who constantly multitask have poor cognitive abilities by doing his share of multitasking, but due to his absent-mindedness, he butters his smartphone, types on his pizza box, uses his piece of toast to call his credit card service provider, and inadvertently pays the pizza delivery man with his MacBook Air.
Stephen: It's hard to believe that only a few years ago, black and white Americans put aside their differences to hunt aliens. I mean how, how did we forget that so soon? (Stephen gets neuralized) Stephen: ...
August 5, 2013: Stephen and Hugh Laurieread a list of inappropriate words and phrases that are forbidden by the FCC from network TV but acceptable on basic cable. At different points, Stephen and Hugh look uncomfortable at their next items that they try to force the other to read instead.
Stephen: Oscar, surely you're angry. Oscar: No, no, I'm grouchy. A subtle, but important, emotional distinction. Stephen: Well I'm Angry! I'm angry that you two aren't angry! Oscar: Well that's silly. You need help.
What makes this even funnier is that at first when Stephen asks if Radcliffe could take Wood in a Radcliffe started doing the whole, 'I respect the man and his work and we wouldn't fight,' shtick, but halfway through it he decides to drop it and call Wood out.
Stephen: Oh, so the "Affordable Health Care Act" requires everyone to buy a computer. Which you can't even order online without, you guessed it, a computer. So now I need two computers!? Stephen: The phone!? You mean Mr. Bell's demon box? How am I supposed to navigate this infernal contraption? I don't have a clue! I mean, look at these numbers! Why is there even a hashtag button down here? Are we supposed to tweet our health problems now?
October 8, 2013:
Stephen unintentionally Crosses the Line Twice and breaks character when he accidentally draws himself a Hitler mustache. In the middle of a discussion about Hanukkah.
In the same segment, Stephen attempts to draw a hand menorah, which requires him to use both hands for the outline and his mouth to draw it. It goes as poorly as expected, and he breaks down laughing as he shows the result.
October 23, 2013: "The ObamaCare website is a disaster, and I am loving it. This techno-turd taco will be Barack Obama's true legacy. It's his Gettysburg Address if Lincoln had said, 'Four score and Error 404, Emancipation Not Found.'"
Stephen Fry: You cheer but do think of the implications of it. Between the ages of 13 and 17 he probably didn't know he had a penis. You were just lost in a tragic world of walking trees. Stephen Colbert: No, I had one. I had a golden ring on it. And I never wanted to put it down.
November 6, 2013: Stephen talks about how Ms. Marvel is being brought back as a Muslim American heroine.
Stephen: This is nothing more than a Sharia creep, plain and simple. First, she's a comic character. Then she gets her own movie, then action figures. Then, next thing you know, my kids are dressing up as her for Halloween and shouting, "Trick or treat! Death to Captain America!"
November 11, 2013: The entire "Poncho Denews" segment spoofing the controversy over the 60Minutes Benghazi story. "Poncho" is played by Sam Waterston in-character as Charley Skinner from The Newsroom. Bonus points for the greatest fake beard of all time.
November 19, 2013: While interviewing Robert Reich, Stephen asks him what he would suggest America do to decrease the wealth gap under two conditions: without using the word "tax", and using 10 words or less. Robert goes over 10 words in each attempt.
December 3, 2013: After hearing rumors that the Pope has a secret life, Stephen immediately assumes that he's Batpope.
Stephen: The point is, being distracted from your poverty is the new form of wealth. And, by that standard, America's middle class are the richest people in history. [...] So, quit complaining. Okay? You are rich with TV. Remember, Marie Antoinette may have lived in a palace, but she never got to watch The Learning Channel.
December 19, 2013: Stephen tries to defend Phil Robertson's racist remarks of black people not "singing the blues" back in the day by saying that blacks had it great in the past because they had their own water fountains. He also says that black were so great back then, that white people tries to copy them, cutting to a picture of Al Jolson in blackface from The Jazz Singer.
January 6, 2014: In the first show in the new year, Stephen has to scrape ice off the camera, then put salt around his desk and finally start the desk again since it's so cold.
January 16, 2014: Stephen gets a letter from Carol Burnett, apparently wishing him luck at the upcoming Grammy Awards, until Carol shows up and tries to explain that the letter was sarcastic, which Stephen can't get.
January 30, 2014: The mayors of Seattle and Denver, Ed Murray and Michael Hancock, respectively, make a friendly bet in case their cities' team loses at the Super Bowl. Murray offers some salmon and Hancock offers some beefsteak. As they shake, sealing the bet, Stephen has them arrested, since gambling is illegal in New York state.
February 3, 2014: In his report of the conservative firestorm that erupted from Coca-Cola's Super Bowl ad, he listens to the ad where "American the Beautiful" is sung in foreign languages, followed by cutting to him covering his ears in total agony.
February 4, 2014: Stephen reads the last words of China's "Jade Rabbit" moon rover, with Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings playing.
February 12, 2014: Stephen reveals that he's the First Lady of France, and starts adopting French mannerisms such as smoking, eating a baguette, and smoking the baguette. La cerise sur le gâteau is that now, Colbert's titles in the credit include one more: Première Dame de France.
Stephen opens the show by celebrating Black History Month with a slideshow of various African-American icons: Frederick Douglass, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King Jr., Kirk Lazarus in blackface, and Macklemore.
March 6, 2014: Stephen tries to sing "Happy Birthday to You" in honor of its 90th anniversary, but can't because of copyright issues. Instead, he premieres his new "royalty-free birthday song". Of course, in typical Colbert fashion, it's a parody of the national anthem.
"And the candles' red glare, don't set fire to your hair. You're getting so old and you're shaped like a pear."
April 28, 2014: When Stephen learns that Popes John Paul II and John XXIII were canonized, with John Paul II's blood and John XXIII's skin sample present, he fears that the Vatican is creating a Frankenpope.
'Stephen: We are all painfully aware of the ongoing tragedy along our southern border. Despite our best intentions... it remains impossible to pair an outfit with turquoise jewelry. Don't believe the man at the kiosk, you will look like an extra from Dances with Wolves.
August 5, 2014: Stephen complains about Hillary Clintion's book "Hard Choices", particularly the various foreign dignitaries she names. Before he can even finish stating his disbelief that Hillary could be in so many places, she walks onto the set. After a name drop-off (in which Stephen tries to drop the bomb of Former President Bill Clinton), Hillary demands that Stephen plug her book, or she won't appear on the show. Stephen points out that she's already on the show, whereupon Hillary snaps her fingers and causes a mosaic to appear over her face (a trick she says she picked up from George Lucas).
September 8, 2014: When discussing a new bracelet that shocks users that don't exercise enough as well as posting a status on Facebook, Colbert discussed his product, the Spine Spider:
Colbert: And what a workout! The Spine Spider takes over your motor faculties, and marches you over into a barren field where you build a large crystal pyramid. What is the pyramid for? Why does Gorlock need it? What will happen when it's finished? With Spine Spider...your brain is prevented from thinking those questions. And folks I've been using the Spine Spider for weeks, and lifting mysterious prisms at the behest of an unknown alien overlord has done wonders for my core.
September 18, 2014: Stephen tears into an argument about putting "boots on the ground" with a relentless, rapid-fire barrage of footwear puns, complete with the footwear used in each shot. Also goes into Moment of Awesome territory considering that he pulled this whole thing off in one go without a single hiccup in the delivery. (The barrage starts at about 3:30 on the linked clip.)
October 2, 2014: Bill O'Reilly got upset after Stephen mocked his plan about a mercenary army, and said on his show: "Mr. Colbert and others of his ilk have no bleeping clue how to fight the jihad." tephen's reaction:
Stephen: That's outrageous! Bill O'Reilly has to do his own bleeping? Come on, Rupert Murdoch, spring for the bleep machine! I got one here, watch! Bill O'Reilly is a [bleep] egomaniac.
October 13, 2014: Stephen asks South Dakota governor Dennis Daugard for his opinion about the intense congressional race and who he's endorsing, namely Republican candidate Mike Rounds, though it turns out he's actually an actor playing Daugard.
October 27, 2014: After seeing a news report where CNN reporters used chocolate syrup to simulate Ebola exposure areas, Colbert takes the metaphor further and uses ice cream and a variety of dessert toppings. In the end, after looking at the delicious sundae he created, he decides it's his Ebola cheat day and eats the dessert.
George: Stephen, democracy is a sacred trust. Yes, it's a messy business, but the will of the people must not be abdicated to a machine. Only by engaging more deeply in the issues and voting your conscience can we hope to move beyond the eternal gridlock that threatens to destroy our society. No matter how bleak things may seem, you have the power to change them. Do your duty as an American, and as a citizen of the galaxy, vote.
November 5, 2014: Stephen's interview with Representative Barbara Lee. They do a two-person wave and end playing with silly string and hula hoops.
November 17, 2014: Stephen offers safety tips on how to handle buckets, but his head gets stuck inside the bucket until a bear saves him. Amazed, Stephen asks if the bear will forgive him for years of antagonism, and he does. So they slow-dance and have sex, too.
December 8, 2014: President Obama's guest appearance on the show when it was shot down in Washington D.C. Specifically The Word, or rather, The Decree, where President Obama walks onstage and decides that he could do as good a job as Colbert, and proceeds to read Colbert's lines word for word, including a little Self-Deprecation on the president's part. Apparently, Obama's the kind of guy who likes to talk about himself in the third-person.
December 9, 2014: The final segment of "Better Know A District."
December 11, 2014: The interview with Smaug is both awesome and freaking hilarious.
The best shot is of Smaug dressed in a motion-capture tennis ball suit on a green screen stage. Just... holy crap.
It gets off to a great start when Stephen talks about how similar the two of them are.
Stephen: ...[W]e're both fiscal conservatives who sleep on huge piles of money.
Smaug: Quite right. It's time to return to the gold standard. Rand Paul 2016!
Stephen starts a "Cheating Death" segment, but Grimmy tries to attack him for cheating, so Stephen kills him, becoming immortal in the process.
Stephen sings "We'll Meet Again", getting joined by Jon Stewart along with past guests, crewmembers, American soldiers abroad, and astronauts. Along with Colbert's counterpart characters, such as Tek Jansen and Esteban Colberto.
In the end, after becoming immortal, Stephen rides off with fellow immortals Santa Claus, Abraham Lincoln (who reveals he's actually a unicorn), and "The one with all the answers"... Alex Trebek.
Stephen: Oh, Mr. Trebek. Where will we go? What will we do?